I doubt know what is a better argument. X hundreds of billions of dollars for that weapons system seems like an awful lot of money. Well how much do you value your freedom? Or. I don't really feel like I am violent towards women. Yes you are because of your subconscious violence which you can't see but I can.
5
When I saw the title of this piece, I assumed that Yancy was talking about systemic sexism, i.e. patriarchy. But once Yancy started talking about how he regards his wife as personal property and his routine of conspiring with friends to assault women in his youth, it became clear that Yancy is simply a sexist person.
Instead of writing confessional essays in the NYT or starting hashtags to own his sexism, I’d suggest that Yancy start by trying to talk to his wife and maybe some of the women he’s assaulted. They are entitled to an apology.
14
Sexism is a problem.
Yancy's collective guilt trip is not the solution. SJW and intersectionality theory groups people by external characteristics like gender and race and then treats all members of that group the same. This sort of thinking, if it becomes widely adopted, leads to the gulag and re-education camps.
Yancy may think he will be the group that has power to perfect society further once his ideas win. History suggests otherwise. The intelligentsia are among the first to go.
25
Violence against women will never stop until men decide it’s going to stop.
20
Just when I thought that virtue signalling couldn't get any more abject and shameless, I read this article. Thanks, professor, for letting me know that we haven't yet reached the bottom!
58
Thank you, Mr. Yancy. It is a very simple but difficult step to take to admit that you need to change. I would never have labeled myself a racist, but I have had to take a hard look at some things I have said or done and to acknowledge that I fell far short of my standards for my best self. I can't fix the stupid things I said or did, but I can really try to do better.
It doesn't matter whether things are done from ignorance or by intention.
14
I am sexist. But the no matter how well-meaning the Kavanaugh hearing started out, it turned into a witch hunt.
Any time angry rants start happening on Facebook saying "He is a privileged white who drank beer in high school, therefore, he is obviously a rapist" start happening we need to step back and start reexamining contexts.
Any time people start saying "somebody hurt me once, therefore, this person who I know nothing about and is clearly a political scapegoat does not deserve to be listened to."
Any time we take as the unvarnished truth the testimony of someone claiming something 30 years in the past, who even the close friends who she brought forward claiming were witnesses can't collaborate, needs to be questioned.
17
We wonder about the gender disparity in the workplace. Is it sexist when the man who leaves early to coach his child’s team is applauded as a wonderful father, but the woman who leaves to tend a sick child is criticized?
21
I am watching with amusement this rising level of absurdity.
Go on , keep apologizing for being a man, beg for forgiveness, we’ll see if you deserve to live.
And wow, you realized that women are human beings too! How incredible!
26
I agree you are sexist. Stereotyping others on the basis of their genders is blatant sexism.
I am not.
You don’t know me.
Please don’t presume to judge someone you don’t know, or speak for them.
37
As a man who as a boy and as a young man was bullied and assaulted by men, I find this piece by Yancy an infuriating insult. That he was a creep to girls does not mean that all the rest of men were or are.
Perhaps Yancy was one of those bully boys who pushed me around. And now he wants me to share in his guilt?
If this paragon of virtue finds himself to be at heart a creep then all men must be creeps too? Is that an example of what Professors of Philosophy try to pass as reason?
26
Good grief. Reading this goofy dribble makes me wonder who appointed this self-doubting philosophy professor -- preaching down to us from an expensive private college inaccessible to most Americans -- a spokesman for my gender? Makes me glad I opted for community college.
40
Professor Yancy is simply playing the role of one of Nietzsche's ascetic priests in On the Genealogy of Morality.... and no they weren't role models for any man.
"Ascetic ideals reveal so many bridges to independence that a philosopher is bound to rejoice and clap his hands when he hears the story of all those resolute men who one day said No to all servitude and went into some desert."
~ Essay 3 Aph 7
6
Go ahead, marinate in your guilt, but Christine Ford lied in easily demonstrable ways, such as a fear of flying and installing an escape door in 2012 when it was really done four years earlier.
3
If I concur with Dr. Yancy's sexism definition, I am at times sexist and I am a woman. I remember one gorgeous fall day while drinking wine at a cafe ogling a group of Italian male bikers riding by in their lycra and loving every minute of it. Shame on me. I should have turned away.
And why do folks avoid using "chauvinism" to describe this male superiority complex, of which sexism is a subset? Maybe like abandoning Merlot and disco we don't favor the word anymore but it works better than lumping patriarchy, misogyny, and sexism in one sentence. I love Merlot by the way. It deserves attention just like chauvinism.
Females, too, can be chauvinistic, especially if they choose to hire only Italian bikers.
"Soul murder" has always sounded a bit harsh and a simplistic conclusion to a very intricate and complicated problem. How about "soul fortress" where we keep locked up the part of us who has no gender distinction at all? Opening those gates is the greater task than relegating males (or females) to the graveyards.
6
Thank you. You get it, and I appreciate you writing this piece.
7
"Subtle violence" is such a novel concept. He did it to his wife by his admission and now gets to talk about it. Have your cake and eat it. A few weeks ago, I saw a report about "forceful rape" on a college campus. These new concepts should be compiled into a unique dictionary and given a place in our "word-class" college education of 2018.
3
Sexism, like Racism, is not defined by overt hatred, which makes both difficult to own up to. One does not have to a man who hates women to be sexist, or a White person who hates Black people to be Racist. Sexism and Racism are so built into our realities, they're largely unconscious. And it's these aspects of Sexism and Racism that we need to become conscious of.
We are narrative creatures. We make up stories to explain everything we experience. When we experience sexism and racism, even subliminally (for instance, through assumed gender and racial roles and status), our brains "write" this experience into a story, which we may not even be aware of. But our brains are creating rationales for why things "must be" the way we experience them.
So, it is virtually impossible to NOT be racist and sexist, in a society where both racism and sexism are so much in evidence, even if one as an individual does not feel hatred.
To be asked to acknowledge this is not about blame or punishment of the individual, per se, as to work to become conscious of the pervasive myths and assumptions of racism and sexism, to question them, to challenge them in ourselves and in others.
I was raised to respect everyone. But I live in this world, and I have a brain that tells me stories to make this world seem "rational." That means racism and sexism, like propaganda, keep repeating in my experience, and I have to consciously clean myself, it seems like daily. But better than the alternative.
15
Thank you for your thoughtful piece.
From the comments I see that other men are completely clueless about their complicity in our sexist culture. Trying to point it out to them is like describing how water tastes.
Sexism hurts men too, by “soul murder” and defining acceptable male roles very narrowly.
There is so much more work to be done, but this is a good start.
11
Self-blame certainly seems like an (ill)logical next step for our social lunacy. But let me reference one of the greatest minds of our time:
"Nobody can give you freedom.
Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything.
If you're a man, you take it." --Malcolm X
3
In other words, not all, but most men in this world are raised as criminal, against humanity. Finally, someone honest is saying something worthwhile to listen to. I hope this article gets read widely, and wakes men up who are still consciously or unconsciously committing the unspeakable crime against women. Unless something drastic happens, such as impeachment and incarceration of Trump, the self-confessed card-carrying misogynist, this criminal tendency of men will continue, and we humankind do not have a future. What I wonder is, what is the chance of such a thing will happen in the near future?
2
Yancy makes good points about the way in which masculinity is constructed, there should be no doubt of this, but something is missing in his account of desire. Bodies are pleasurable, for both sexes, and for all manner of orientations. It is dangerous to equate desire with violence as directly as he does here. It is as if men can only violate women in the expression of their desire--an assumption that inadvertently produces and sexualizes women AS victims. I love women and I love women's bodies and I love their brains. You have to stop compartmentalizing or you'll wind up in the same place you started in, with more false constructions of masculinity. I don't trust it for a minute, either. I'm not saying that Yancy is being dishonest, but I'm definitely saying that this kind of mea culpa will only yield disingenuous actors.
10
I like how the author recommends individual male responsibility in the midst of male cultural rituals that perpetuate sexism. The examples seem innocuous but they contribute to the overall culture that perpetuates not just boorish behavior but worse violence against women.
This culture was on full display during the Kavanaugh hearing. Kavanaugh's explanation, under oath, of Renate Alumni, boofing, and other adolescent male sexual references as innocent drinking games defied common sense. Every American, male and female, who went to high school in the 80's knows the truth.
His denials were enough for male republicans to go along with this game of make believe. They believed the ends justified the means, even to the point of allowing a sitting judge to lie under oath.
This is not innocuous. Kavanaugh's display of injudicious behavior has permanently degraded the Supreme Court.
13
Beyond “speaking out on behalf of women,” a person should have empathetic, collaborative, creative, professional, personal, and FUN relations with women, as I have for many decades.
I "speak as an insider": a male person who has been part of women’s lives.
I am not sexist. I am not “a failed and broken feminist.”
I do not “mask my vulnerability.”
Godspeed, Mr. Yancy.
12
"I speak as an insider." Yes, I know the thoughts men sometimes think about attractive women. That much I can relate with. Everything else here though is so far removed from my own personal experience I don't know where to begin. Let's start with the last name thing.
I discouraged my wife from ever taking my last name. I cautioned her she would spend the rest of her life spelling the name out loud and correcting other peoples' pronunciations. Even changing a driver's license seemed like too much hassle for me. She insisted. Changing her name was more important to her than me. I didn't ask for an explanation.
Am I sexist? Absolutely. However, usually through thoughtlessness more than willful intent. Think before you speak. George Yancy's description seems more like something out of a black and white movie. We never had groping games when I was growing up. Yancy's entire essay actually sounds like a good argument in favor of all-boys schools. His was not my experience.
Aside from that tumultuous period around age 13, smart people learn the niceties of gender rather quickly. If you treat women poorly, you will stay a virgin forever. If you act decent and kind to everyone, you won't know what hit you.
Duran Duran sang the song "Hungry Like the Wolf." Well, real wolves are extraordinarily smart and very well adapted to survival. They don't hunt their mates. They catch prey and bring it back to the den. That's why Grey Wolves have been around longer than modern humans.
5
Who raises these toxically masculine men? Single dads? Gay male couples? Hardly.
It's so silly both strategically and logically to try to make "toxic masculinity" only about men. Stereotypes about how men should behave are perpetuated by women as well as by men. To lay all the blame at the feet of men is both inaccurate and counter-productive, because singling out and attacking one gender as responsible for all the ills of the other is not a good recipe for getting buy-in from either gender.
"Though the girls played, they were not to blame."
I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that at least many of the girls involved were thrilled to be chased. The game continued because there was buy-in from them as well. They may not have been predominantly responsible but to suggest they were somehow unwilling captives is almost certainly wrong.
This article reads like a perfect example of how *not* to convince people to buy into your view of the world.
14
Sorry Professor Yancy. I am NOT sexist! Each individual has a responsibility to be true to [choose our pronoun] -self. What that mean is we are all responsible for what we do. No, I did not even request that my ex-wife take my last name. No, I do not impose myself on women. I do, however, expect women to take responsibility for themselves just as they expect that of me. If we all do that, there will be fewer problems.
5
The issue with the #MeToo movement is that it creates a culture of victims, without doing much to address actual issues involving discrimination and sexual harassment.
6
What is “we men”? I am an individual. I am fallible, but I am not a member of a gang who has conspired to rob anyone. There have been times when a man was being treated unfairly and I spoke up. There have been times when a woman was being treated unfairly and I spoke up. Then, there were times I didn’t speak up, either because the subject defended himself or herself, or he or she was someone I simply didn’t like or didn’t like me, or the level of unfairness involved wasn’t severe enough. We are all treated unfairly every day.
The thing I most detested as a child was the notion, sought to be inflicted on us by a few teachers and administrators, that the “boys” were responsible for some mistreatment of a boy by another boy or small group of boys, or the “girls” the same, or cases where the “class” as a whole was punished for the misbehavior of a few.
It isn’t as if the women at the office are of one mind on every incident or point.
Stop lecturing. It is counterproductive in most situations.
6
According to Yancy, bell hooks tells us that "men unconsciously 'engage in patriarchal thinking, which condones rape even though they may never enact it.'" Which men? All? Some? What hooks actually says is that a certain subset of men interviewed in a study of date rape "saw nothing wrong with forcing a woman sexually," and it seems to be *those* men to whom hooks is referring, or at least about whom her claim might be justified (The Will to Change, pp. 59-60).
Yes, it is quite plausible that men who see "nothing wrong with forcing a woman sexually" are complicit in a sexist mind-set, poisonous masculinity, and toxic male culture. But it doesn't follow that the rest of us are.
11
The statistic "One in five woman are raped" may be artificially low, given how many women do not report for fear of reprisal (or not being 'believed', to wit: Christine Blasey Ford).
7
In other words, not all, but most men in this world are raised as criminal, against humanity. Someone honest is finally saying something worthwhile to listen to. I hope this article gets read widely, and wakes men up who are still consciously or unconsciously committing the unspeakable crime against women. Unless something drastic happens, such as impeachment and incarceration of Trump, the self-confessed card-carrying misogynist, this criminal tendency of men will continue, and we humankind do not have a future. Such an event is bound to happen as I am an optimist, but what I wonder is, how soon?
4
This article makes a very important overall point, which is that sexist behavior forms a continuum. At one end you have less injurious behavior such as men interrupting and talking over women, and at the other you have men raping and murdering women. One act may be less destructive than the other, but all behavior on the continuum denigrates women and is founded on a belief that they are secondary to men. Additionally, a focus on the worst of this behavior, as the author says, deflects from other acts that belie the same attitude.
13
Your "we" overlooks another set of victims of toxic masculinity: those of us who as boys were bullied by "you" for not behaving in the ways you now decry. Please don't lump me in your "we men." Thanks for now joining us in seeing women as persons and not as property or playthings.
6
Well, you just got woke. As a woman I have lived all you said in your piece. But let me say, as a girl I could be a little complicit, back in the 50s we played cowboy and Indians and we girls were tied up by the Indians, as a very young girl I felt desired. Truth. But I grew up and found out pretty early that I was 'property' both husbands demanded I change my name. Leering bosses, sexual harassment at work, at IBM no less, back in the 80s. I tried to wake my sons and hope I did a decent job, I believe both are enlightened but they are guys and live in a guy world at their jobs. I commend your self awakening, it would be great to live in harmony.
7
Most men and, sadly a lot of women, have internalized society's sexism and misogyny. Thank you to Professor Yancy for recognizing that fact and working to end the cycle. It seems like a lot of commentators here are not ready for the same kind of self reflection.
10
I understand men feeling targeted despite the fact they haven’t abused women. So use your male privilege- yes, you do indeed have it- to point out rude male behaviors and be there for women. Be part of the solution.
5
Bravo! Beyond that, I can't add anything to this other than my own "Me too."
4
In other words, not all, but most men in this world are raised as criminals, against humanity. Finally, someone honest is saying something worthwhile to listen to. I hope this article gets read widely, and wakes men up who are still consciously or unconsciously committing the unspeakable crime against women. Unless something drastic happens, such as impeachment and incarceration of Trump, the self-confessed flag-bearing misogynist, this criminal tendency of men will continue, and we humankind do not have a future. What I wonder is, what is the chance of such a thing will happen in the near future?
Women are not delicate flowers; that is a sexist trope. They are strong human beings and every bit men's equals. I feel that the author is leaning into women's supposed fragility a little bit too much and ends up condescending toward them.
The corollary to this principle is that women are equally capable of being jerkish human beings, both to other women and to men. Women police female behavior and sexuality at least as much as men. The cultural zeitgeist favors categorical apologies by men, such as this professor, who now suddenly profess themselves "woke," but the reality of how society shapes sexual and gender expression is much more complicated.
The author also spends a lot of time apologizing for his youthful indiscretions. "Boys will be boys" is not an excuse; it's a description of reality. To me, it means that boys will push boundaries, as they are not yet fully socialized. Anyone who has been through puberty knows the powerful romantic and sexual feelings that it conjures. That's fundamentally biological, not social. When that anarchic sexual energy spills out among peers, it's probably always going to be a bit messy. Despite the pernicious influence our "patriarchal" society, most manage to come out of it as well-adjusted adults. It is the small minority of maladjusted men who commit the vast majority of sexual assaults and rapes.
10
The defensiveness displayed by so many men in the comments is interesting. I'm especially intrigued by the notion that if George Yancy writes that misogynist men men should stop being misogynistic, then they'll vote for trump/conservatives.
Since when has spite-voting been patriotic, or something to confess to in public? Why do so many of these men feel the need to inform us they vote not for the people who are best for our state / country, but rather against the ones who share a sensibility -- about equality for women, for example -- with a philosophy professor? It's the craziest thing, a threat to vote against the country's best interests to "show those liberals."
8
"It’s time that we men take responsibility for our role in the problem of violence against women."
As adherent of rational philosophy I only take responsibility for things I am responsible for because I caused them. Since I have not committed any violence against women, and have actually been on the receiving end of violence by women there is nothing for me to take responsibility for. I also won't be taking responsibility for the contents of your column. I didn't cause it to be written. If I had written it I might need to commit seppuku in shame.
9
America has become a cultural show trial featuring public self-abasement, confessions, pervasive narratives of victimization, guilt and longing for redemption, outbursts of misandry and misogyny, resentments transmogrified into rage, cynical opportunism and agitprop, etc. Sifting truth from lies from misrepresentations is getting more difficult by the day, assuming these terms mean anything anymore.
Well isn’t that special?
9
I can't imagine that ALL men are all that bad in the States. Surely, in a country of 325 million+, there must be some non-sexists. Perhaps all Mr. Yancy needs to do is widen his social circle.
11
You speak for yourself & your "crowd". I never grew up in the disgusting male predatory culture you describe, & neither did my sons, so please don't include me, or them in your very broad brush portrait. This article reads like a very grandstanding "confession" to me.
All men are not equally guilty of your shameful conformist mindset/behavior.
7
My husband uses control and anger to force his will on me. A lot of his behavior, I would even say most of his behavior, I had trouble defining as abusive because it seemed so typically male. So many of my relationships have had similar issues. I don't care anymore what is typically male - wrong is wrong and men shouldn't get away with it
13
I chose to take my husband's surname, in part, because I really like it, and in part because I like its history and origins.
But mainly we decided to share a name because it represented the fact that we became a family when we married, and that we were completely committed to the relationship. The shared name has no connotation of ownership or subservience. To us it represents partnership and deep trust. No rings. Just a shared name.
8
Thank you for your accountability, your honesty, and your commitment to creating a better future, for women and men alike. I applaud your bravery.
12
The most well meaning men can be sexist, and they don't even know it.
I recently spoke up confidently at a meeting. It was video taped. I was in a room with men and women. I spoke knowledgeably and with confidence about a subject I know well. The audience was engaged with a lot of nodding and listening.
Later that day, I asked for feedback, as I needed to repeat the talk.
My female friends were thrilled with my remarks. These are friends who are brutally honest and whom I count on for truth. They spoke of my leadership, calmness, depth of knowledge and common sense.
The men, on the there hand, said I came across as a know-it-all.
To say I was floored is only the first of it. The secondary piece was a flooding of shame about my own cluelessness. I mean--what a disconnect between my experience and how I was perceived.
Of course I prioritized the critical feedback. More than feeling dumb, I felt acute anxiety knowing I might have such flawed self-awareness.
Then I saw the video recording, where I got to judge for myself.
You know what I saw? A confident, articulate, well-put together woman speaking softly and calmly but with authority and knowledge.
I was a hair too aggressive on one thing; but men get a pass for way more trespasses. However, measured against my own standards, there was one thing I wish I would have said differently.
But I was hardly a know-it-all. Just a confident female.
38
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the number of comments here that communicate the sentiment: "Well, that may have been *your* experience, but I have ALWAYS respected women! I've NEVER even HEARD of these shenanigans! NONE of this applies to me!"
Way to be introspective, guys. I guess that proves the author's point.
32
@Holly V.
why is it that every woke person thinks the fact that anybody disagrees with them proves what they're saying is true?
5
@Holly V. Thanks for judging all of us without knowing most us. I think that's called "bigotry".
4
Thankyou for this. This is the direction we need to be going in.
12
Might I also suggest that men take responsibility for the unintended pregnancies that they cause; which lead to the need for abortion. The availability of that procedure helps men as well as women reach their reproductive goals, but only women are stigmatized and abortion clinics and providers are subjected to unreasonable laws across there country. Have you ever heard a lawmaker suggest a regulation or penalty for men?
58
@M.P.Cohen
I don't disagree, but I get the sense that may women use pregnancy to try to trap men into marrying them.
1
@M.P.Cohen
Excellent point. And a much bigger concern, in my opinion, then this rather silly public flogging over playing chasing/kissing games as a child.
1
Thank you for this article, It reflects the vital understanding (and related actions) that past need not be precedent, we can change, improve, make amends. This is the way lasting change can happen.
9
Many of the comments that criticize Yancy’s argument do so by claiming that the article is a “confession” piece that seeks to wallow in guilt. These comments focus on the title of the article instead of on its argument, which is an analysis of how patriarchy works. When Yancy says, “I am sexist,” the statement is a portal to a discussion of HOW men are sexist and how they became so. This examination is what we need more of today, rather than mere accusations. Hearing this analysis from a man is valuable and welcome.
Yancy’s “confessional” argument actually demonstrates, through his use of biographical examples, how masculinity as an entrenched cultural norm results in the degradation of women and also of men by coercing them to conform to the masculine stereotype. Thus, the article is an analyis more than a confession. Yancy could not have foreseen that many men who are invested in patriarchy would defend the system by attacking what they deem his capitulation or confession.
I was surprised at the number of comments by articulate men who don't seem to understand the actual point of the article but instead are focused on defending themselves as men who have never behaved badly. I think these comments reinforce Yancy's point about the need for "good" men to take a stand.
As a white woman, I have been in situations where I could have taken a stand when I heard racist comments in conversations. It's difficult to step up, but we all need to do that.
32
You speak about being silent when other people have said racist things. But have you ever regarded a member of your family as your personal property or domestic servant simply because of the color of their skin? Because Yancy doesn’t just claim to have been silent about that kind of treatment of women — that’s how he actually thinks of his wife!
1
As a white woman, I think of how hard it would be to say #IAmRacist (of course I am), and how much courage it might take to speak about and apologize for my racism publicly (not nearly as much as it must take just to be black in America), and open myself up to the criticism and anger from all sides.
Thank you, Dr. Yancy, for this imperfect, sincere, heartfelt apology that neither demonizes men nor minimizes the pervasive misogyny we ALL breathe in everyday. It felt really good to hear it.
31
'The Gender Knot,' by Professor Alan Johnson is highly regarded as a key academic text on patriarchy, now an easy listen via audible. He lays out how patriarchy was established 10,000 years ago as we moved from egalitarian hunter-gatherer societies towards power based agricultural land systems. And how it has progressed to wreak 'soul murder' through the generations -- destroying women's life chances while harming men in the process. It is a massively complex issue that permeates all cultures globally. Core to change is men accepting that they gain from an unfair playing field -- every single boy grows up benefiting from male privilege. Understandingly, many are loathe to change something that benefits them so profoundly. But toxic masculinity has no place in a progressive society. It is as much an evil as racism and must be eliminated as a cornerstone of fairness in society. It is a massive task that will require generations to overcome.
23
We are like fish in water regarding patriarchy - it is so much a part of our environment that we are unaware of it. Maybe millennials are catching on and deciding they don't want to trade an enjoyable lifestyle as a single for dreary married life in the suburbs.
9
@Cal this seems like a nihilistic view. On the plus side, we have lifted 90% of the world out of extreme poverty. Today, the vast majority of people living in a U.S. city or “dreary” suburb have no want of food, shelter, or clothing. On the contrary, they enjoy a lifestyle of luxury unimaginable only 125 years ago when the average household survived on a dollar a day in today’s dollars. Most of human history has been dominated by death and suffering for men and women. We currently live in a golden age of prosperity. If you have a system of government and way to organize our culture that can do better, please share!
1
Professor Yancy challenges us to be vulnerable and open as readers, as he is vulnerable and open with us. I caution anyone who is instinctively mad or upset with his words to step back before reacting in anger and reflect on where he might get it right or wrong. He is describing something that no one wants to be true and doing it boldly and with grace. I feel he has hit the nail on the head in many ways regarding the societal challenges assailing men and women in traditional roles.
We can only be better if we are open to listening to the heartfelt arguments of those who oppose us.
19
We must think, say and publish a vast wardrobe of thoughts before we decide what to wear. This is a good collection of expressions to consider. At some point, I'm hopeful for a comfortable "bright line" we can step over and move forward from. Thank you for your perspective.
6
I understand that overt leering and ogling is not fair to women and it is not helpful to men (let alone women) to indulge and fall into a habit of merely sexually objectifying women. That is no way to relate to the other sex. But whatever happened to the Seinfeld Rule where you get to snatch a glance, like looking at the sun? I am not going to apologize for snatching glances at women toward whom I am attracted. I wonder that such behavior is even possible to stop. I am heterosexual after all and not just hetero. At some point, this becomes farce.
20
If a woman is not offended by such behavior, then it is boorish at best. But if the woman who is the target or any other woman aware of the act for that matter takes offense then you deserve whatever pushback they feel necessary to impose: immediate embarrassment, social media exposure, loss of employment, loss of friends/family, loss of housing, etc.
1
If I'm reading this correctly, what women want now, evidently, is guilt-ridden men who grovel.
20
@RBT1 Billionaires, CEOs, and surgeons may also apply.
1
Speak for yourself, George: I’ve always accorded women the same respect, courtesy, and equality due every human being.
If you’re somehow trying to make me accountable for Brett Kavanaugh’s crimes simply because I’m a man, then yes: #YouAreSexist.
19
Give me a break. I am sorry you needed your friends to push you into girls because no girls actually wanted to touch you. From this article it sounds like you have some deep issues and I truly feel for you, but your experience is not identical to other people. Some people are just genuinely good people that are not racist and sexist down deep.
18
@Mark
Can I encourage you to please think harder, dig deeper? You are from Iowa, like me from a midwestern American state, and things look pretty straight forward for us from this vantage point. Take a look at some of the academic research available on the internet, look at the Pew Research studies, read a book from an academic such as Alan Johnson. Good people are racist and sexist down deep -- they certainly don't mean to be, but it is impossible not to carry values that are subtle, instilled into our childhoods without our ever knowing it. You read the New York Times which indicates you're got the intellectual interest -- do please dig deeper on this topic. It is quite a revelation . . .
8
Thanks!
4
This is exactly the position we are in with race. Perhaps it's enough to listen, to think deeply about our own beliefs and behavior, and to do our best going forward-- speaking up when we see injustice. We can change the future but not the past. I'm afraid that any insistence that your fellows join you in your mea culpa will provoke a backlash.
7
Very interesting article. Thanks. Your anecdotes and analysis overall are enlightening and unquestionably have value.
But ...
"Yet I argue that we are collectively complicit with a sexist mind-set..."
I don't accept the validity of collective guilt, or guilt by association. Most Liberal thinking people that I know, when they recognize a situation of collective punishment, (which is premised on collective guilt) reject that as injustice.
So do I.
I will accept guilt for crimes which I have committed, but not for crimes committed by other members of a group to which I have been arbitrarily assigned, whether that group be "Americans", "white men", "men", "human beings", "short people", "balding people" or any other collective category in which my accuser chooses to place me.
12
@J Jencks -
Have I benefited from sexism? Possibly, maybe even probably.
Perhaps I got a job when a more qualified female candidate was passed over for sexist reasons. If so, it was unknowingly on my part. However, the crime of sexism would have been committed by my employer, not by me. And so the crime, so the punishment.
Had I known at the time, I would have turned down the job. Had I accepted it, I would then have become complicit.
Does that mindset apply to judging police and/or gun owners?
2
I read this article as satire! Judging by the comments, however, most readers ignored the implications of Poe's Law and accepted Yancy's guilty plea at face value... This seemed to me a rather over-the-top mea culpa for having been born into American culture with an XY chromosomal pairing...
11
I hear you. Your aim is to take full responsibility, and that's admirable. But the words #IAmSexist... It actually hurts hearing those words. It doesn't matter the context. So you grew up and became indoctrinated in the patriarchal world. Who hasn't! That's our system. Yes, we do have the power change the system. But not by internalizing our role(s) and then spitting them back out in their most blunt form. Please, by all means, do quietly reflect on the things that happened that make you who you are, and where your biases might have originated. That's a good thing. But only if it serves as a prompt to real action–meaningful action toward Parity in home, work, and political life for all people. This is what will transform us culturally into a truly egalitarian society.
For example: What's happening in your own philosophy department? Do you have parity there? Does your department look like a realistic cross section of our country or even the world? If not, then do the work now to make it become that. Because if you don't do the work, then the hashtag #IAmSexist is way too true for it to be any sort of balm. It's just more salt on the wounds.
5
Shucks, at my age, I'd be happy if men and women alike would stop referring to every animal of unknown gender as "he." Visit any zoo or aquarium and listen to parents describe the animals to their children. (It's an animal, for heaven's sake, you can call it an "it.") Always "he" this, "he" that, even so far as, "Oh, look at that cute [whatever] ... and his babies!"
Yes, I know this is not exactly the most serious problem of male-supremacist thinking. But it does illustrate the extent to which we take for granted that male is the norm and female is, at best, a variation on the norm. Read the philosophers and you might think that humanity existed as a male-only species ... perhaps like that cute animal with "his" babies?
10
@Marty We have "objectivised" members of other species for eons, and it has helped us create a barrier, subtle but powerful, between us and them. This in turn has allowed us to slaughter millions of them, if for no other reason than "it" has "no feelings, thoughts, consciousness," and because we could do so without consequence. Rather a "he" than an "it," I say. Not happy with that? Then sprinkle in a few "shes," or go all "she," for awhile. I hope you will examine, for the love of earth, your gut reaction, "it's an animal, for heaven's sake, you can call it an it." You too, Marty, are an animal. Are you an it? Other species once survived in their environments quite well. Or not. The controlling factors of their survival were themselves and the environment. We have destroyed that equation, for many of them. We are the most destructive creatures on the planet, which makes us, to my mind, "its" indeed.
1
@Marty
but men refer to things they love as "she." boats, motorcycles, cars, helicopters, guns. anything men love to spend time with is referred to as "she."
"she drinks a lot of premium gas, but i wouldn't drive any other car."
1
Calling all men sexist is sexist. It's okay to be a man. It's okay to be a woman. It's okay to be any gender. But it's not okay to be sexist towards any gender. The way you are dealing with your own issues here is to diffuse the responsibility for your own behavior onto others.
I see this kind of non-apology, non-solution to the question of bigotry a lot on the far left. You tend to be just regular racists or/and sexists, but with a guilty conscience. One "solution" to your problem of dealing with the guilt is to diffuse in. It won't work. Perhaps that's why so many male-feminists (not to be confused with normal men identifying as feminists) end up having some serious skeletons in their closets. Speak for yourself.
9
It is not possible to be sexist toward men because women have historically been denied the systemic power to diminish men. That you think it is possible represents a vile form of misogyny.
4
"When I was about 15 years old, I said to a friend of mine, “Why must you always look at a girl’s butt?”
I have to admit, that's a pretty strange thing for a 15 year old boy to ask. Its normal for adolescent boys (and men) to look at women's butts. This has absolutely nothing to do with criminals like Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein and I won't be joining your silly movement or all the venom spewing from academia about "patriarchy" and "toxic masculinity". A normal man looks at a womans butt and may lust after her but he doesn't force himself on her.
Are you trying to get Trump re-elected?
24
@Dave - you bring up a valid point. If individual survival and survival of the species are among the essential instincts of of virtually all living things, then lust is an impulse very likely to have arisen through natural selection.
It's how we order our behavior in society that becomes the main point to discuss.
5
And if the object woman or any other woman who becomes aware of that transgression objects, the male violator is then subject to whatever repercussions the woman wants to impose. It may not rise to the level of a criminal prosecution but the court of public opinion can be brutal.
@From Where I Sit I am curious what protocol you suggest we follow to implement this social norm. Should men only look at womens’ faces? Does the norm vary between work, non-work, and social situations? Are there times when the female would want a particular man or men to look at a part of her body other than her face? How should she communicate that? Are there times when looking at even her face is inappropriate? How should we handle involuntary glances? Is there a time limit?
3
This article comes from someone who told himself he was a good person, which he embodied in the idea of being a male "feminist", but later realized he's just another average guy. This is not to excuse this "average" behavior. On the contrary, human beings constantly internalize the fallacy that if we are just "being human" that there is no moral cost/expense for that, and nothing could be further from the truth. Human beings both male and female, are indelibly self-focused, morally centripetal creatures. In order to live with ourselves, we tell lies about our moral state, simply to bridge the unbridgeable cognitive dissonance between our true human nature, and aspirational selves. If we just admitted that, on a fundamental moral level, we as human beings aren't that great to begin with, there would be more occasion to correct our poor behavior along the way, and little need for such significant retrospective groveling.
I know that I have as much of a lizard brain when it comes to women as any other guy. I also know that acting on that brain can be hurtful to women, and generally doesn't do me any favors except signal masculinity to other alpha types (of which I am one). I grew up around a lot of women and it was patently obvious to me then that bad male behavior was very difficult on them. As a result, my married life is filled with many egalitarian "feminist" behaviors and apparent "role reversals", but with none of the flagellant virtue signaling rampant in this article.
7
Prof. Yancy is one of the most insightful guest writers to grace The New York Times. Thank you, sir!
10
In Venezuela laws made the women take her husband's name and if she refused that could be interpreted as a serious offense against his honour which make it possible for him to sue for divorce , one exception , any professional woman , having her own career or trade could keep her own lastname if she so preferred . It is the custom that professional women use their own last name when they exercised their profession. Up to the 18th century children could take on the last name of either of their parents , The first of Bolivars venezuelan ancestor was named La Rementaria but when he moved to Venezuela he took his mothers last name as his own . Spanish law has the couple decide what last name their children will carry and if they cant agree then the judge makes the decision for them .
1
I clicked into this article curious about the hash tag title, I accept that I didn't like the initial mea culpa tone but the author makes very fair points.
As good as the article was to me the highlight is the comments section, I have problems understanding why so many men are taking this as a direct attack to them, some arguing: "I wasn't raised like that" or "I was always nice to women", do they mean they don't believe that toxic masculinity exists? Because it does, and we shouldn't pretend it is not part of society (even if your immediate social circle seems more equal than the rest).
To all the guys reading this, if you think that the author or his supporters from the comments section are extreme feminists, then share the article with the women you know (family, friends, colleagues), ask them what they think of it, discuss with them what you didn't like about it.
It is always a good exercise to compare thoughts with the people you know. And if they agree with your criticism please ask them to leave their opinion here, because I've been reading and reading the comments, and all women seem to agree with the author.
17
@David Abensur -
Not only do I believe toxic masculinity exists, I KNOW it exists. Like you and probably everyone else reading this article, I have seen it.
Nonetheless, this article, like so many, has its foundations on "guilt by association", which I protest against.
It may well be that many, even most, men are sexist. But each must be considered individually, because each is responsible for his actions alone.
6
Until all misogyny is stamped out, every make IS GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION for not doing enough to pressure fellow men to end it. I’ve never met Harvey Weinstein but I am very culpable in his crimes because I was born a male.
3
When did the idea of teaching our boys and young men to respect women become a novel idea?
13
I'd cheer this article if I thought it would do any good, but it won't. And writers should know this by now. The overwhelming majority of men who read it will take offense, brush off the little things they do that are harmful to women and girls because they aren't out raping and molesting, point fingers at other men-or women for that matter, or deny they do anything at all.
11
Its because they refuse to admit that sexism is systemic. They bring it down to their individual level: if I’m “not sexist” nobody’s sexist enough to make it matter. Insert “racist” instead of “sexist” and there you have another systemic problem being denied.
2
A very good article, and it certainly makes sense to me, a 68-year-old woman who grew up with an older brother who certainly had privileges over me. In school, at work, everywhere, male sexism prevailed, and they were TAUGHT this behavior, as you say.
Unfortunately, the chances that many men will read this article and actually do something to alter their behavior are slim. Some men, especially some younger men, were raised to respect women. It's my hope that these men will influence future generations to improve. Women have come a long way, but there is still a longer way to go for true equality.
Finally, it is a fact that men's behavior toward women also influences men's behavior toward "others" who are not like them. While some men of all backgrounds are sexist, white men are the ones pushing this behavior in the USA. IMO this is true because they have been raised to power and are fearsome of losing it in the near future, when more women and minorities become involved in leadership, economic power, and political power, a hopefully inevitable result of increased diversity in the population.
14
Speak for yourself, Mr. Yancy. I'm sorry, but I can only take responsibility for my own behavior, which has never included violence against women, or sexism. Just because I have the same reproductive organs as many violent criminals, doesn't mean that I should share in their guilt, or have explicitly or implicitly enabled their behavior. I also have two hands. Many murderers have used their hands. Should I now feel ashamed for having hands? Of course not, because that would be guilt by association, otherwise known as a logical fallacy, which is what this article is.
12
@Diego
By taking his collective guilt point of view, Yancy is actually refusing to take responsibility for his own actions.
Sexism is systemic! How many times do we have to say it, and in how many ways??? You benefit from systemic sexism. I understand it’s hard to recognize the benefits accrued to you, since you’ve never had to go without — but your reference to self completely misses the point.
2
Kudos for reading feminist literature. Many men will not read feminist literature, which is the only place toxic masculinity is discussed openly and intelligently. Studies are done professionally, giving the facts. Then feminists analyse and speak clearly about how to solve the issues. Until our analysis as feminists is accepted as equal to the other voices out there, you've only got half the picture. You're right, masculinity conditioning starts from birth, so feminism needs to be taught to every boy and every girl, every man and every woman. Would that it were true.
15
These revelations of the past year have challenged me to really look at myself and where I stand in this metoo movement. This article is spot on in everything it says. Toxic masculinity is rampant in our society and we as men have to acknowledge our complicity in this matter, and work to make it stop.
24
My wife kept her name. So did many of her friends. Unlike Prof. Yancy, it was not an issue for me or her friends' husbands. Maybe Prof. Yancy pushed himself into girl's butts in high school but neither I nor any boy I knew did; the girls we knew would have kneed us in the groin if we had. I think Trump's disgraceful comments about women should have disqualified him from election, but if thinking about the features of nice looking women makes a heterosexual man guilty of "toxic masculinity" then I guess Prof Yancy is right; we're all "soul murderers".
One day, this opinion piece will be held up to show the moment when gender politics spiraled into madness.
14
Just like racism, sexism also has strange allies: white women. The fact is that white women have benefitted as much as been harmed by our sexist and racist society.
Until men and women of all stripes accept that we are racist and sexist and how these abhorrent (to me, a black man) attitudes permeate our society, we'll be in the same place, willing to admit that these attitudes exist but never calling anyone out on them.
11
White women have benefited from sexism? Funny, I must have missed that when I wasn't allowed to take certain classes, like shop or drafting, when I was in high school because I was a girl. Or when I was looking for my first job in the want ads of a certain ny city newspaper and the jobs were still listed as help wanted male and help wanted female. No girls allowed.
1
Please, please tell me this column is tongue-in-cheek.
18
Oh really! This assumes that women are mindless, spineless victims. No means No. Women, even the sexy young things in clinging black mini dresses, need to be clear " I will do this, and I won't do that. "
Who cares about your objectifying gazes and pornographic imaginations. There is fun, games and seduction; but no means no. The problem isn't the age old dance between men and women; it's women who feel like they should do things they don't want to.
If you're a woman and you don't have that withering look and a voice like a hammer, get it. There are a few predators that need special attention; but most men can be stopped in their tracks by a woman.
20
Sorry, but I read this column as parody.
21
Collective mea culpas ended with Stalin.
19
I heard not one morsel of true self-knowledge in this entire piece. And certainly not even the inkling of an idea about what to do about it. Maybe the author feels better about himself after having written it. So what.
14
@Mary Chapman
What he is actually doing is abdicating personal responsibility for his own actions.
"The toxic culture made me do it!"
1
“acts of soul murder”
Oh, brother.
17
Utter drivel churning out of the victimhood mill that has become the NY Times op-ed section.... Sexism is about gender superiority, not sexual politics and workplace harassment. Yancy is so desperate to make a macro-point and preach to men he has lost his point entirely. Be civil, be lawful, and call out those who aren't. Don't come at me with this original sin of male sexism nonsense, its a projection of you own guilt Yancy, writ large.
16
As I began reading the essay I took what I was reading at face value. But very soon I realized it was a clever parody. A very poker faced parody but deliciously so. Towards the end the mask fell, and I understood this is not a cartoon of overwrought victorianism no. It’s the real thing.
8
“Objectifying gazes, pornographic imagination” and so much more the author talks about apply to us women too. Does he think we women are all asexual beings? Also, every time in my life somebody demanded I behave in a certain way because I’m a woman, that person making the demand was another woman. Misogyny is not specifically a male problem. It’s a human problem. We all need to learn to become better people. Nobody is better than anybody else. And don’t come with this “women are better than we men are”. I know some people who are marvelous people, and others who make feel shame for the human race, regardless of sex, gender, whatever.
146
The fact is that many acts, when done by women, are not an expression of privilege nor are they the vile obscenity they are when committed by men. The sexualized thoughts you compare are a great example. A basic tenet of feminism protects women who wish to act sexually aggressive. That is their right and neither men nor women should be able to thwart them. Likewise, sex between high school teachers and a student differs greatly when a male is the actor.
6
@HLN
Okay, here's the sexism and mansplaining.
We males need to deal with our wrongheadedness as males, and have other males call us out on it! The male clique that thrives on the sexism, the violent imagery, the institutionalized patriarchy, aint gonna be broken up by women. No matter how many females we've let into our Boys Clubs, its not truly changed us at the core, or the seat of our power. (mostly because those few females let-in the clubs, adopted male behaviors to remain a part of the Club)
No one is saying that women dont have their similar issues, but you don't have the power we males have. And its from that power that we males will either find change, or not.
We can and should work out these issues together, men and women together - but we also need to work them out as individuals and as a same-sex group. Which is something women do much better then us males. Forming empowerment and self-analysis,and self-change groups.
We're not "into" empowerment sessions, when its perceived as giving up power, the very power we've come to rely on...even it its easily recognized as sourced from violence, aggression and dumbassery.
We males see power as not something we seek to gain, but how not to lose it! Which is where the dialogue has to start with men. How do we give up all these positions of rank power, without losing the all of who we are...
What is a male, if not the one with privilege and power over their small or large world?
18
@HLN
Agree. It’s a system we’re emmeshes in, men and women, and we all keep it going. It’s grandiose thinking (sexist?) to think men alone can fix it unilaterally. Let’s evolve a new way—together.
2
You need to be thanked for cleaning? I have clearly illuminated just how serious this problem is. The inferred violence of this action is beyond nefarious. I hope the statute of limitations has run out for your sake.
2
It was a violation of her because you insisted that she take your last name? She could have refused, and it sounds like she did. You did what you did because that was your perspective- and she said what she said because that was her perspective. Just because one person has a perspective that is in direct contradiction to someone else's doesn't mean they are oppressing or minimizing the other person.
At the time, were you able to see why she would want to keep her name? If you were able to see that, but your preference was otherwise, then you did nothing wrong.
This whole piece conflates two completely different isssues- one, where behavior was vulgar, inappropriate, and wrong. And others where being a male with a different perspective is being criticized.
The mistake we make, especially in the way we understand Trumpians, is that when we keep on asking for collective guilt, people say, "Enough. You know what, I would have agreed with you that sexism is wrong. But once you make me guilty when I've done nothing, I push back."
That's what happened in this presidential election, and is still happening.
My wife hired a (female) decorator to decorate our home. Every time I would offer an idea, they would both say, "Oh no, you can't ever do that." I stopped offering because clearly, as a "guy" I just didn't "get" it. Was I being discriminated against? Were they guilty of something?
Instead of calling for broad proclamation of guilt, isn't it just, "Follow the golden rule?"
12
An open letter to Professor George Yancy:
Your impassioned opinion piece in The New York Times left me with the impression that you somehow desire and even need to be congratulated for coming to the conclusions you have about being a full-fledged member of the patriarchal system--a ubiquitous system, I might add, which is so controlling of women's lives that we, as women, have been unable to promulgate our own system in which to live.
Although it's abundantly clear that you have finally "gotten it," what I discerned from your writing is that you now want to be viewed as "enlightened" so that you can proceed forward with all good intention and not truly suffer from the horrible and stultifying realities (I'm being sarcastic, of course) of being a privileged male who now has realized the many errors of his ways.
Somehow, professor, I failed to see anything substantive in your "mea culpa" that showed any intentions toward changing things as you articulated them: where are the remedies you might introduce or put into place for change (both personal and societal) to reduce or even eliminate male dominance; where are the serious actions you might initiate to bring about the empowerment of females? In my view, it's just not enough to be sorry.
Quite frankly, I was left with the impression professor Yancy, that you want your cake, and to be able to eat it without guilt or remorse.
7
@Cate
Don't think the point of the essay to be lauded by women at all. It's to be a masculine gadfly to men. The essay is not written to women. It is written to men.
6
@Cate-Couldn't the case be made that writing an op-ed in a national newspaper that's this disclosing is an act of bravery and contrition? Certainly important and also one that Prof. Yancy likely lives in his personal and professional lives.
1
@Ann: Thank you, Ann for your reply. Yes, I do appreciate that professor Yancy showed both bravery and contrition in his writing about being a sexist. The problem I have with the piece is that it seems to dwell solely on what he has done toward women that he now sees as sexist, but that he goes no further in offering solutions or ideas about fixing the reasons for sexist behaviors, which, to my mind, is what men really need to hear about. Prof. Yancy's approach struck me as rather limited and self-serving which was more glaring to me.
Amen, If only all men could begin to recognize and name their behavior, it would be a step forward. Baby steps to start!
2
This shows that sex abuse can be part of our culture conditioning, that acting out of sexual privilege doesn’t just spring up out of nowhere in individuals.
Some men are more prone to it than others, depending on their family and the social environment they grew up in---and also the media influence they’re exposed to.
Some men are more prone to negative group influence, like when they enter a college frat environment and are not too confident of themselves.
But let’s realize too that many or most men have not abused women. They respect women and don’t act out a dominant, privileged group attitude. Their sex relations are based on mutuality and equality.
We’ve seen recent vivid exposure of the famous and powerful, and arrests and convictions, and shocking senate hearings of sex abuse in the military and in colleges. So a lot of hidden abuse has recently been exposed now on the media. Some people have rationalized some of the insulting, exploitive behavior to women as less serious than it is. Many did this for Bill Clinton too.
But there are many men who don’t confuse their masculinity with dominance, who don’t abuse women and totally deplore those who do.
And there are societal trends in both sex abuse and in political and financial abuse by the powerful. As we see operating now.
1
We are so busy that they are missing the best parts of life and parenting - the profound conversations that seem to take place at the oddest moments; the lying on a blanket late at night watching stars falling; everyday tenderness; silly kid jokes; slow walks and letting your toddler show you the world as he sees it all for the very first time. We're all so busy and terrified (with good reason) that taking the time to be mommy will set us back financially that we are missing the joys of being a parent. We don't need to bear and raise little farm hands anymore so joy is really the only reason to bring new children in to an overpopulated world.
I think a great deal of the anger at men and the patriarchy comes from the fact that women and men are trying to live good lives in what is essentially an insane system based on colossal debt and working impossibly long hours. This is a system much bigger than a patriarchy, and it needs to be replaced with something that serves our humanity.
But hey, focusing on manufactured anger about gender, race, religion or party affiliation keeps us divided and takes our focus off a system that benefits only a few, so let's keep at it. Anger is easier than learning to listen and work together to build a world where our humanity is cherished.
9
I wasn’t aware that so many male professors of philosophy were sexist. I trust other professions do better.
8
While I agree with the general premise of this piece, I think the author leaves out an aspect that has been troubling to me for some time.
Because of the collective culture and reputation that we males have built, we have robbed ourselves of meaningful (non-sexual) interactions with people at first encounter. Women have to avoid eye contact and respond with guarded "hello's" when crossing paths with men on the street, lest they seem too warm and inviting. Similarly, men must avoid being too kind or friendly to children, lest they give the wrong impression to parents. This leaves us with shallow lives that are half-lived, overly guarded friendships with the opposite sex, and interactions with children from a safe distance. It's like having a glass wall between you and the rest of society. And the only male-male friendships that are considered "normal" are those involving fantasy sports, drinking, and poker. If those leave you cold, you just don't fit in. This is what we men have created for ourselves, and the legacy that we leave for our sons and grandsons.
14
@Steve
"This is what we men have created for ourselves,"
Half of it has been created by men, the other half is that it's what many women have come to expect from us...stalwart , stoic wage earners. If women are unfairly cast according to physical attributes, men are unfairly cast according to fiscal attributes. We are asked to show feelings, but when we do, we are often derided as weak, or asked "are you gay?"
10
@Steve-Very poignant and perceptive. In my case, I grew up without a father and was raised to be excessively "nice". While most of my encounters and relations with the majority of men were respectful and supportive--I didn't have training, high self-esteem, or even words to confront some male behaviors that went way out of bounds. I also had to learn when I went to work and in most social settings, how to shut down interest, as my friendliness was considered an invitation for more.
3
Yancy: “There are times when I fear for the “loss” of my own “entitlement” as a male.”
Yes, as ever in all things.
Often when power imbalances are challenged and start to be remedied, the powerful say that THEY are the ‘victims of discrimination’. We see that now.
And we see this in political/ economic equality and justice through history.
The aristocracies and the power elites of Europe and America in history felt threatened by the assertion of rights by the citizen majority to actually vote and get legal protections against exploitation and abuse. After all, they were deemed the inferiors of the elites.
Same with women going into ‘male jobs’, and taking places in universities where they never were before.
And white supremacists were threatened by a deemed ‘inferior race’ asserting human rights in a democracy. It’s was too humiliating for whites conditioned all their lives in total power.
Today the US corporate elite feels ‘insulted’ at any increase in fair taxation or govt regulation for a more equal society. A challenge to norms.
Hard for some of the powerful to accept that their ‘superiority and dominance is not a ‘God Given’ natural order.
Now America lags other nations in never having a woman as president. The ultimate power challenge in American democracy.
7
No, thank you.
You are welcome to perform penance and wear sack-cloth and ashes for your own poor behavior and transgressions in the past. I don't have to, because I've not committed the same transgressions that you have.
I was brought up in a household that respects women. My household believes strongly in equality. The behaviors you're talking about? Aren't a part of my life.
Even worse so, your position on "sexist mind-sets" and "poisonous masculinity" as regarding dating and courtship are ignorant of the largely unwritten and shifting morass that is courtship in the United States today. It doesn't come with a user manual. It doesn't come with rules. And it doesn't take into account the basics of humanity - we are human, we make mistakes, and dating is fraught with danger, rejection and more.
I would suggest that you read more on the subject. Might I suggest that you start by reading "Self Made Man" by Norah Vincent and actually spend some time looking outside of your own bubble and world-view? Actually try to observe and see what actually happens when people actually interact, rather than making assumptions.
Meanwhile I will decline your kind offer to pillory myself. If you're behaving poorly, maybe you should stop doing the things you're doing, and the problem will go away.
16
Dear Mr George Yancy,
Speak for yourself ! None of us on this earth are free from sin, but don't try to absolve your guilt by diluting it with a: "come on guy's let's all confess" ! If you feel you need to change, then do it ! Perhaps some therapy sessions with your wife, including some sincere apologies to her will help ? Instead of trying to make yourself feel better, by saying I couldn't help it, we were all brought up that way....
15
While we sensitive men are beating our breasts with remorse, let's keep a few things in mind. Patriarchy has been the norm in Western culture, if not most of the world, for millennia. It's a bit unrealistic to think one generation can just flip a switch and make it disappear. The process of changing something so deeply ingrained is going to take a lot of work. Feeling guilty because it doesn't change overnight (and one generation is much less than overnight when it comes to such long-standing institutions) is a bit masochistic.
2
If you could ask a fish to describe its environment, the last thing it would mention is the water.
Sexism is our water.
Everyone in this country is sexist -- women and men. If you think you're not then you're not examining your own beliefs and biases ruthlessly enough, and this is part of the problem.
Thank you, Mr. Yancy.
6
Why insist ONLY violence v. women/girls? Men generally the culprits too in wrongful sexual aggression v. other men/boys. Albeit women--or in one case v. me, a gang of teen girls--may target men/boy(s) or some other woman/girl(s). I'm glad we have MeToo as a feminist cause/movement. I agree scarier, more pervasively precarious, to be a gal than a guy. Albeit MEDIA shouldn't be erroneously reporting gals always the victims, or even guys always the culprit. Why this persisting?
4
We live in a world of cultures that support a mosaic of social contracts between men and women, and all of us, male and female, are raised to buy into, or least live with, these contracts, most of which embody some level of sexism. There is a lot of variation in this mosaic. But it's not just men who bring sexist attitudes to the table. We all support these contracts, to one degree or another.
Our social contracts, viewed in the aggregate, evolve slowly. Sexism isn't going to disappear in a flash. It does appear that some progress is being made, slowly and inconsistently, in some cultures more than others. There are still a lot of very ugly spots in the mosaic.
I do worry a bit about how we throw around the term "sexism." In our efforts to push our social contracts towards greater equality and respect for women, let us not fall into the trap of defining ANY perceived gender difference as sexist and something to be frowned upon or attacked. Gender differences can be celebrated, they can be wonderful; they are not all about domination. And of course many gender differences in our contracts do tend to be destructive. The hope is that we learn to recognize the destructive elements and work to minimize them, without erasing the differences that bring us joy, "chemistry," and creative engagement.
In any given interaction or relationship, there are complications, subtleties, and individual preferences that also need to be respected. We can't always apply hard and fast rules.
4
Haven't wives traditionally taken on their husband's name because of country club memberships and stuff? I mean, if a husband has a family membership, a wife goes to the club without the husband, she just gives her (his) last name. I think it dates back to a time when the husband paid for everything and, therefore, had his last name on everything (auto insurance policy, club membership, bank account, property documents, tuition checks, etc.). My sense is it wasn't about ownership of women, but about convenience.
1
The “norm” dates back to Coverture practices we adopted from the British who in turn got them from the Normans (French) who brought over their practice of “femme covert” or covered woman. In France centuries ago, when a woman married a man she kept her property/inheritance (land, a farm, a store, sheep etc) when she married. If she left him or died during childbirth (which was common) her family could take her property back from him. So French men decided to pass a law that turned a woman into property when she married (property can’t own property) so her family lost any claim; her husband owned her and anything she had (and any income derived from her former property). When last names evolved, woman as property of their husband, were branded with his name as was his other property. Her issue (children) were owned by him through her, so they were branded his as well. As property women lost protections under the law and any agency (ie no valid standing in politics etc). They lost property they brought to a marriage if their husband died (it was given to his closest male heir) and were often left destitute with their female children. The historical accounts are heart wrenching. That, by the way, is why originally women in America could not testify against their husband; his property could not speak against him. So it doesn’t really have a lot to do with club membership. Just look up coverture if you’d like to begin some research into this oft rationalized practice.
8
No, the name change for women in marriage is a symbolic acceptance that bonds one soul to another, creating a new being. Once married, both the man and the woman are no longer their former selves. They are bound to each other for life. Once you take a vow of lifelong love and commitment to another person, you can never go back to the “self” you were before. Keeping your name is a way of holding back a part of yourself that you may return to if things get bad. It’s a “fall-back” position. You’re not going for it 100%. I’m not a historian, but I would suppose the tradition of taking the male’s name as the family name reflects historically aristocratic practice, where the name itself carries real economic and political power. But when two human beings seriously take a vow to love each other and commit to each other for life, the issue of the balance of power in the relationship should have already been resolved.
1
@LK Mott-Please expand on this and submit it as an op-ed. Fascinating stuff.
1
This excellent and courageous column touches briefly on a topic that needs fuller exploration: Sarah Sanders defense of Trump's abuse of women. Only when we acknowledge how women contribute to sexual and other betrayals of other women will this subject be completely in the light. The author does not have space do discuss how his upbringing by his parents contributed to his attitudes, another subject to be raised. My mother objectified me as the "little mother" and nothing I did outside of housework, cooking and child care mattered much to her. I have seen numerous examples of women denying the reality of abuse (as many did with Dr. Ford) and supporting Trump-like men. Mothers AND fathers must join together to raise both sons and daughters to respect women, and all people, as full individuals.
6
Well said Dr. Yancy. You know that you’re speaking the truth when male comments are trending negative. We women see you and appreciate the honesty.
6
So interesting. My male friends aren’t sexist. Period. They are close friends who I adore. They can’t stand sexists any more than I can. And I’m here to stand up for THEM!
88
@Wendy Bradley
Thank you for your adult, sober, thoughtful words. Your pals are lucky. Most guys I know are like them, not like Prof Yancy.
9
@Wendy Bradley My male friends mostly aren't deliberately sexist either. But nor do they notice some instances of sexism until I point it out to them. And most of them do nothing even when they do notice it in others. After all, it's not "them" so it's not "their problem," right?
As others have pointed out, it's the water we swim in.
Happily, I've noticed my male friends in their 30's to be generally more feminist than my male friends in their 40's. So maybe that water is, very slowly, changing.
8
@Wendy Bradley right, the same way white people are in no way racist- they have black friends! They don't burn crosses! Yeah, but are they actively taking responsibility for the historical racism? No. The same way men do not take responsibility for historical sexism and patriarchy. That's what this article is touching on. Implicit complicity.
12
We are all brainwashed in different ways, and clearly George Yancy has been brainwashed into thinking that masculinity is some sort of social construct that is inherently sexist and bad for women. He clearly doesn't understand that there are certain male traits that are not only biological and immutable-- but they are necessary for the continuation of the human race. Imagine a world without "the male gaze." How are men supposed to get turned on-- just via personality? Feminists fighting for equal rights/opportunities is one thing-- but feminists who try to change social and sexual dynamics is another. Feminists want to live in a fantasy world-- but in the real world, our humanity DEPENDS on the male erect penis. If you are against guys viewing women through a sexual lense-- then you are anti-baby, anti-humanity, and pretty much a stick in the mud.
11
The Times should recall that Brett Stephens celebrated Trump's attack on Dr. Ford in his column. For the nationalist right section of the opinion page the assertion of male supremacy is part of their goals that they have woven into column after column. Each reader should understand that they pay for the dissemination of the very aggressive sexism that Prof.Yancy speaks about in this column when they send in their subscriptions.
4
So we are soaked in a toxic culture "programmed from birth", doomed to commit "soul murder"? This sounds a lot like original sin. Be wary of repurposing Christian guilt for a new religion.
10
This kind of reasoning reminds me of the teaching of the catholic church, that we all have to put our heads down because we all are sinners, no matter how hard we try. First, all white people are racists just because of their being. Here now all male people are declared sexists. Who is left out in the list of '...ists'? It is the non-white women in general. I am sorry, but to declare people generally as '...ists' on one side and as victims on the other side because of their existence does'nt work for me. I know racist non-white people and very sexist women....
10
Yes, I am Sexist... I'm in total agreement with Dr. Yancy. Black people will be free, when all African nations are free. Women will be free, when we men, all men are able or capable to treat them as equals.... Yes, I am.
4
In some ways it's interesting to watch progressive narratives on sex and love come full circle. When Dr Yancy was young, he was probably laughing at stuffy traditional views on sex and love. Now as an old man he has realized that sex as an act of love between committed adults who place moral significance in the action isn't a tired old idea; in fact it is bedrock of ethical respectful relationships between people of the opposite sex. If Dr Yancy had listened to his mom, dad or whatever adult tried to teach him that when he was 16, maybe he wouldn't be here publicly apologizing.
I have no reason to ever think that #IAmASexist because I am not. I am unfailingly committed to my wife. I have been since we first met when I was 21 and she was 20. Through the ups and downs of life and marriage, I have never treated her as anything other than my equal. Not everyone has something to apologize for and not everyone is looking for progressive street cred with flagellant hash tags and twitter declarations.
7
Is this article satire?
16
I find the times we live in scary. You have to be careful what you say and careful if you don't say anything at all....
6
I'm a person who understands there are dfferences between the sexes. If you want to call me sexist, fine.
I understand there are differences in ethnicities and culture. If you want to call me racist, fine.
I understand that I'm heterosexual. I only like my opposite sex. I don't know or care to know the trials of others because I have plenty of my own. You wanna call me homophobic? Fine.
I just don't care anymore.
9
I was troubled by your hashtag. Please don’t put shame onto yourself and have compassion that we all make mistakes. New thought: #ihavebeensexist. We ladies don’t need you to put that in the present tense.
2
I thought professors were supposed to be objective and original thinking. The only thing I learned from you about this article is that your opinions are rote with apologetic rhetoric.
11
Sorry, George, you can't include this male in your "We" wrap of communal guilt.
If you are honest, you will bear it alone, like a man?
11
You take responsibility for your own sexism. I know plenty of men, in particular the ones I reared, who are not sexist.
8
If you really think you have something to apologize for, then good on you for doing it. But please, stop apologizing on behalf of other men.
138
@Dustin I find this column offensive. It assumes ALL men are sexists. We have no real hope of redemption unless of course we get on their knees, beg for forgiveness & confess our alleged sins. What does this sound like to you...the Inquisition? It’s high time to we let academics like Yancy know we will not consent to nonstop progressive hectoring & we're not buying into this absurd drivel. Many otherwise enlightened people seem to think that putting a man down by shaming him for the transgressions of a few criminal men is a sort of privilege or entitlement. Why assume the worst transgressions of a few are characteristics of all? It doesn’t help women (or POC or LGBT individuals) to engage in the sport of putting down men. It's irresponsible. This new sexism, reverse sexism, is widespread in feminist and pro-feminist literature - or propaganda, one might say, - but largely ignored. One does not criticize feminism! But a fair number of feminists have criticized men based solely on their gender and/or ethnicity. Misandry is everywhere, culturally acceptable, even normative, largely invisible, taught directly and indirectly by men and women, , very damaging and dangerous to men and women in different ways and de-humanizing. If you seriously want to tear down the web of institutions that systemically oppress women you will need as many allies as you can get. Telling half the population that they're guilty of sexism, even in jest, is not the way to do that.
10
@Dustin please! It is not You or Me or some of us. It is men and manhood he speaks of.
No partial credit for any of us.
5
@Dustin-Well, you have a point. I think Prof. Yancy's op-ed deserves more reflection. To me, it's an invitation to examine behaviors where I go unconscious or into conditioned patterns, losing sight of others' value and humanity. At 60+, I'm just now starting to wake up to the subtle prejudicial lens I look through; seeing the toxic effect of media enculturation that throws up fear of 'other' and reinforces harmful stereotypes. Yes, I've been advantaged as a white woman in ways others haven't. Claiming otherwise because I'm a good person--doesn't take into account the disparities or help remove barriers that keep us apart.
6
Apparently some people are living in another universe. I was married for 37 years (my wife passed away recently) and during this time we treated each other as equals and with respect. And I have many married friends who treat their spouses in the same manner. We find the idea of anyone speaking in a derogatory manner to our spouses offensive and would confront such a person. And that means both spouses defending each other, not just a man defending his wife. Be careful, when anyone tells you something from "a man's point of view" they are talking from their perspective, as I am now, so judge for yourself and remember we're not all cast from the same mold.
11
I would only add that it is important also to bring this message to the sizable segment of women who participate, support and enjoy the patriarchal notions well described here. To bring along the many women who accept or even prefer the current social mores will help enormously in shifting attitudes and behavior in a more egalitarian and respectful direction. Promoting and combining enlightened thinking among complicit men with enlightened thinking among complicit women will get us more quickly to our destination.
3
I am concerned about the Cultural messages in Films, TV, advertising, etc.
We can help our Sisters by being very very sensitive to unspoken messages by speaking up to sources--Loudly
My least favorites are the "damaged" male, behaving totally inconsiderately, expecting women in is life to accommodate.
As long as fathers "babysit" rather than parent, rescue damsels and walk away from responsibilities, the messages are sent.
It isn't necessary to patronize anyone, to have balanced stories.
2
Power? The media is focused on the men who look like the young Clint Eastwood or who are super rich, like Harvey Weinstein. The media isn't considering the 90% of men who look like Steve Buscemi. Guys who look like Steve Buscemi don't feel like they have much power. Most men walk around hoping a girl will text them. They see young Clint Eastwood surrounded by four women giggling and preening. I'd say the percentage of men who feel empowered vis a vis women is much, much smaller than this discussion implies. Maybe Rick Fox feels powerful, but George Costanza does not.
5
@richguy And yet Steve Buscemi has had an extraordinarily successful career. Can you say that about whoever the female equivalent of Steve Buscemi is?
Because on TV he's paired with Kelly Macdonald and Paz de la Huerta.
1
As an African America, I won't wait for the majority society to lift me up and embrace me as an equal. This is something that has to come from within me.. to take it, and demand it. I believe that the same dynamics exist for women... take it, and demand it! And if you fear being criticized for your actions, then even in your own mind you're still not equal.
Power is never shared willingly.
8
I agree whole heartedly with this article but I would like our social media especially films and television to take a stand and start creating programs which reflect the problems women have in dealing with sexism in society and work places. Until this happens sexual mores will not change . We need to make it personal in the lives of every one , men and women alike. When was the last time any one of us saw a TV show with this theme as the topic???
2
@carol king
9 to 5
Norma Rae
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore (in a way)
The Shining (in a way)
The 1970's seemed to be a decade of women's empowerment. In terms of social awareness, I think we've LOST ground since the 70's. Why? Reality TV. The Housewives of Wherever.
1
@richguy
It is true that those 80's films are about blue collar women. Seemingly there weren't any white collar women in the USA in the 70's. Not kidding. The fact that there are female CEO's in America know does seem to show a big change since the 70's.
If we're talking about a female VP getting harassed by a male higher up, we're still talking about a female VP, something that, seemingly, wasn't even a possibility 40 years ago. In the 1950,s; I gather, the idea of a woman having a white collar job was almost unheard of. Things are not perfect, but they are better.
Whenever you see a commentator who tells us 'we' are all responsible for some horror it usually means that person has run out of ideas.
9
Hey, another 1000 men just showed up on election day to vote for Trump--or at least not vote. This kind of liberal self-loathing, written by the extreme fringe of academia, turn off the vast center of America from politics. It seems that today, the liberal purity test for men includes self-mutiliation, public weeping, and giving away half of one's money to everyone who isn't as privileged as us. No thanks. Meanwhile, those on the right are laughing all the way to the bank / a future that looks like the 1950s. What a joke.
9
"Yet I, too, participated in acts of soul murder."
You've also participated in acts of soul bruising hyperbole.
10
Hope your "confession" makes you feel better about yourself.
Men are toughest on other men. That you feel you must apologize for your culture is sad, but of course all cultures include some oddities (should we even mention religious teachings that we then culturally accept as notions a fellow citizen ought to be able to hold despite them being very bizarre and evidence free).
4
Yancy decries "our pornographic imaginations".
Talk about thought police!
Or some kind of neo-Puritanism, complete with the original sin that is being born both white and male. Instead of salvation, you become woke. Similar process. Just confess.
10
I admire your comments and courage to speak up, George.
Well done......
a woman...
52
Thank you, George. It means more than you know.
2
“It is time that we stop gaslighting their reality.” One the best and most accurate comments I have ever read.
Boys and girls are raised side by side in two completely different worlds (did not figure this out till college). His is a carefully constructed fiction (the male is hero, savior, supreme deity); hers is far more real. She, however, is taught (told) to pretend to live in his fiction (and be grateful that he allows her to occupy a small space in the world he owns).
This is The Talk girls get, by the way, - color of skin, ethnicity, economic status etc doesn’t matter, we all get it, directly as I did from my mother, or indirectly from everything and everyone around us. Perhaps that’s why boys and men are so viscous to girls and women (even if they don’t realize it) - males know it’s fiction too. How many male hero movies are needed to constantly reinforce what real male attitudes and behaviors contradict.
9
Just finished teaching A Streetcar Named Desire. Many of my students say they relate to Stanley's character who begins as a dominant, clearly sexist but "typical" guy in early 1950's America, who then devolves into a loutish drunk, abusing his pregnant wife Stella, and then finally emerges as a rapist by the final scenes of the play. They often admire him; even many of the girls say they enjoy the "way he carries himself" when they watch Brando in the film version, parts of which we also watch. Toxic masculinity is so deeply ingrained in our culture that when I think of all the literature we teach, it is found in nearly everything we read! In Shakespeare it is utterly pervasive, (we can blame the 1500-1600's); in Hurston's brilliant novel Their Eyes Were Watching God, protagonist Janie is beaten or threatened by all three of her husbands. In Things Fall Apart Achebe's hero Okonkwo, "rules his family with a heavy hand." In Fahrenheit 451 Bradbury shows us men who burn others alive. In Adichie's short stories there are multiples examples of abuse and murder. Of Mice and Men? Steinbeck's male characters are routinely brutal. The ancient Greeks? Oh yeah. They got the ball rolling didn't they? (That's why we're still so shocked by Medea--an outlier.) Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried sends us into the carnage men are expected to perpetuate in war. It goes on and on. This is the world we have lived in, still live in. Thank you Dr. Yancy, for it must stop.
126
This is hilarious. Great satire!
14
I'm confused. When I've looked at pictures of naked women, I don't feel any power. Mostly, I feel frustrated desire. I feel pleasure certainly, because I enjoy feeling lust, but I wish I were with the woman in person (or with a woman I desire). I don't think "Ha! You're subject to my gaze and my desire. You are abasing yourself for my delight." I think, 'why didn't that cute woman on the subway return my smile?"
Maybe a handful of Don Draper/Chris Hemsworth guys feel power, but most guys I know are at the gym ten hours a week trying to get girls to want them despite being not tall or being bald or being not rich. Most men I know are terrified of losing their hair, getting a gut, or losing their job, and the rejection from women that would probably ensue. But that's life in NYC.
When I was 12 and looking at my friend's dad's Playboys, I wasn't thinking "power!". I was thinking, "maybe someday, if I'm lucky, an angel like this will talk to me."
12
I am proud to say that I am not a sexist. I have had a great 50 year marriage until my wife passed away and have worked well with my female contemporaries in the workplace. While I enjoy seeing a pretty woman I have never, to my knowledge, countenanced violence towards women. Or, made them into a sex object.
1
You are such a beautiful man. Thank you.
2
I cannot accept this view that "we are collectively complicit with a sexist mind-set and a poisonous masculinity rooted in the same toxic male culture from which these men emerged." This "confess your sins" response to #metoo just blurs responsibility. I am not a Harvey Weinstein, and that isn't by accident. I deliberately chose not to act that way, I have no common cause with men who do act that way, and I reject being lumped in with that sort of man. Furthermore, if the response to #metoo can't differentiate between men who do and do not commit vile acts, then I think it will be the end of the movement.
14
Living in a supposedly more gender equal country, I'm ambivilant about this piece.
Demanding that your bride-to-be is to take your last name hasn't been acceptable behavior in Sweden for some time.
In general, we've made more headway against common sexism and attitudes towards women(according to international studies).
These "it all ads up"- and "nurture over nature"-theories who are just that(albeit important) - intellectual exercises, have become deeply rooted in everyday life over here.
Then MeToo rolles up, and many a awful stories are the same here as everywhere else. My conclusion is that the sentiment of this author is too abstract and trivial to make significant progress. It's biting off more than one can chew.
Lets focus on the worst aspects, ingrain on the public concience to speak up against obvious harrasment, that no means no, and all forms of intimidation are against the rules.
Once we've accomplished this, we can deal with people like the author and the aspects of our culture that encourage his frankly, sordid behavior.
The comments are even more illuminating than the article. They are filled with men who are "tired" of having these issues pointed out to them over and over. They say that repeatedly doing so will make them vote trump or be lost as an ally. If you're willing to vote trump and support his sexist, anti-LBGTQ, xenophobic, anti-science policies rather than listen to criticism you're part of the problem. If making suggestions about ways you could change will mean losing you as an ally--you're a pretty weak ally.
15
"As pathetic as this may sound, I saw her as my property, to be defined by my name and according to my legal standing."
What a sad post-modern commentary on what used to be a wonderful bargain. Once upon a time, a man "made a name for himself," or inherited one and lived up to its standards, and when he married, he GAVE that name to his bride as a gift, with all of the prestige and privilege that came with it. She was not his property; she was his RESPONSIBILITY.
Perhaps that arrangement has obsolesced, and the custom should not be followed any more. Now, a man is not expected to share the name he has made; he is supposed to expected to share the name-making space so that the woman can make her own name in competition with him. Then the man and the woman, with no complementary talents to offer, draw a name out of a hat and get married. Brilliant!
Perhaps the greatest intellectual fraud abroad today is that white privilege and male privilege are similar enough to treat as twin evils. But there is no biologically determined plus-sum, symbiotic relationship between races. Men want manhood to mean something. Women can have babies. What can men do that woman can't? What do men have to contribute other than what their testosterone tells them to do?
Life is complicated. When did philosophy professors become so reductive?
11
@Nemoknada,
Your letter made my day. Thank you so much for writing it!
5
Self hatred becoming the new norm is just sad. There is nothing wrong with trying to be a better person but the attempt to shoulder the guilt of what others do or for what you perceive society to be is naive and fruitless. The notion of blaming all men for what’s perceived as a patriarchal world will not make the world a better place. Postmodernism is just a cancer on society that breeds artificial division. Identity politics is the prescription for a new dark age, not a fix for what ails society. These ideas and practices are not at all needed for advancing the needs of women. This is already happening and has been in progress for some time. The reality is that before the enlightenment, virtually all people were oppressed, men and women. All human life was to a large degree about minimizing suffering. We have gotten better at this over the last couple of centuries and this has lead to many advancements in humanity and how we treat one another. It’s still a work in progress but that’s natural.
14
The misery that others and the world can inflict on us knows no gender. Women do statistically live longer than men however.
4
I think Yancy gets many things wrong.
I grew up as a shy Jewish boy in the 50s. My father was a leader in social justice organizations, and he may have been a feminist by the standards of that time. None of my male friends glorified the kind of sexism Yancy describes. TV and movies roles were mostly irrelevant for how I wanted to be. But as biology and hormones started their course in my teens, my natural male voyeurism and fantasies that Yancy described took hold of my consciuousness. Yet, I was able to keep harmful fantasies unexpresed as I tried to learn to be a respectful lover of women. During my adult life, the majority of my male acquaintances seemed to be just as respectful of women as me. Even those whose backgrounds glorified sexism.
Am I just naive?
Having said all this, I still want to learn to be a better man. The #meToo movement has had me reflect on the potential harm of some "innocent" sexual remarks and other subtle sexist behavior in the workplace.
5
@Gene Miller
part of it is being Jewish. I'm half-Jewish. I think about sex all the time, but I am very respectful toward and about women. I had two women on my dissertation defense committee. One of my dissertation chapters was on a female writer, but I still look at Scarlett Johansson with lust and will cop to it in public talk (like now).
I think Jews are not raised to value physical strength or power, because of the Holocaust. Our people felt the atrocity of power. Jewish kids are raised to mistrust power and the aggrandizement of physical prowess. we are raised to look upon everything depicted in the 'Triumph oft he Will' as toxic and conducive to atrocity.
2
I do not condone or accept abuse,inequlityl, lack of opportunity,or lack of encouragement for women in their lives. women. But I believe that women too can act in undesirable ways. There are countless women who would love sex with powerful, handsome males. This too must be considered
6
Let's acknowledge the missing fact here that men have remained silent not for fear of anything, but because IT WAS ADVANTAGEOUS FOR THEM TO DO SO.
It's sure easier to get ahead at work if your competition not only has to excel at her job but somehow she has to accomplish the same while being harassed, eh? Or heck, if she has to move jobs or departments just to escape the harassment.
You have to own up to the real reasons you were silent, men.
11
Finally, the awkward alienation some males like me felt during adolescence is becoming re-evaluated. Being an introvert or even so-called nerd, and an originally rather shy person who never understood the dominant mating process, learning about a lot of the #metoo movement finally feeling less displaced in the world. Those guys who did not want to discuss their attitude with me are now being called out.
Being privileged due to being male can be used to influence the current situation, and I do when I can - I feel a bit uncomfortable too see myself as “not innocent” (means guilty) for being what I never managed to be.
I have done quite my share no-so-nice things to people (like everyone has) but I cannot see where I enacted behavior as in any of those stories. I saw men doing this and got into trouble ever so often when it happened because I started to fight against it. I did not feel morally superior but rather really alone and those males wanted explain me “that’s how things work”.
What I see underrepresented in a lot of articles (not this one!) is the fundamental critique concerning any (!) kind of violence - sexual, physical, psychological, structural.
Quite often I am irritated that somehow representing violent behavior performed by female characters in any media is broadly seen as progress.
I still personally consume my share of violent media (PG level products and up apply) but started questioning the mental healthiness for me and others more recently.
4
While everyone should abhor sexual assault and sexual harassment, neither should we pretend or claim that there is no difference between estrogen and testosterone.
5
We need to oppose political parties, organisations, or movements that undermine the rights of women directly or indirectly.
We need to oppose wars that don't involve self-defence of a country. They cause untold misery to millions of women. A misogynistic foreign policy that fetishizes war abroad has the pernicious effect of affecting the culture of a country. It normalizes the oft heard term 'toxic masculinity' within the country and unleashes violence on women at home and abroad. Reduce the 'Defence' budget massively.
Modern day workplaces with their obsession with profits and brand image give secondary importance to women's safety and workplace rights. Without workplace democracy none of this will be achieved. We basically need to abolish the capitalist mode of production.
A massive redistribution of wealth from the rich will have significant effects on women's freedom to move away from abusive relationships and toxic work environments. Economic freedom and freedom of women are interlinked. Single payer healthcare that is free at the point of service, with high quality maternity services, abortion facilities and contraception will hopefully bring significant improvements to the lives of women. A political movement independent of mainstream parties is needed to bring this about. Economic resources are not a problem.
Men indeed need to reflect on their behavior towards women, but individual goodness and self-improvements can only go so far without larger changes.
4
If the patriarchy has infected every aspect of modern culture, then you are asking for the destruction of modern culture and its replacement with something (to be defined) new. This isn't going to happen.
By advocating for this, you turn off would be allies, and you divert energy away from the actual immediate problems of stereotyping and harassment in the workplace.
Here is what I believe:
1. Women deserve to be treated exactly as identical men would be: based on their own individual merit.
2. Workplace stereotyping and harassment are rampant, although continuously improving.
3. Men (and women) are responsible for speaking up against harassment and stereotypes when they see them.
BUT:
1. Men and women do make different choices. As gender equality increases, the choices of men and women diverge more. There are no conditions under which equality of outcome can occur because there are actual statistical differences between the genders that do not disappear with increased equality.
2. Individuals have a right to choose their own culture and their own sexual identification to the extent it does not actively hurt others. You can't dictate that somebody else change either. There is no perfectly equal culture anywhere. Invent one and show that it works BEFORE asking me to adopt a new culture, sight unseen.
I have done my best and stood up to discriminatory behavior when I saw it. I feel no guilt about my behavior. Forcing culture change on me means losing me as an ally.
8
@Jason
As if you were an ally to begin with.
THANK YOU so much Mr Yancy.
With your piece and the reports by men of their past transgressions published last week, I am finally starting to feel like we are having a real conversation about this very important subject.
For me, the undervoiced aspect yet pending is addressing how we all should perhaps start to refine for ourselves and in our relationships, and help our kids to be deft at separating feelings and urges from actions, behavior and speech. I think it would be wise to remember that human beings are animals. We do have powerful drives around mating. I don't think it is necessarily helpful to judge ourselves or each other for certain thoughts or feelings. The way Mr Yancy felt about his wife is not evil or malicious. Whatever process happened there that enabled him to see that her ability to hold on to her identity in a way that was vital to her takes precedence over his (in my opinion innate, normal territorial instinct AS WELL AS socially programmed) interest in owning her -- was perfect, and things turned out as they should.
Beating ourselves and each other up is not useful. I don't know that we should or can stop scoping attractive potential partners, but we can and must be more conscious about our interactions both with and regarding them.
Mr Yancy is dead on -- the issue is not only about men who rape or assault women, but much more importantly about the broader mentality that underpins that. He is working on his role, and setting an example for us all.
4
I asked my wife to take my name in the seventies. She did and we're still very happy we didn't let PC come into our personal lives then - or now.
10
@DaveD
Well, good for you and your wife. I know lots of women who kept their own names who have happy marriages. In the 1970's, my mother couldn't get a bank account under her own name without a male co-signer. I consider what my mother had to deal with to be of much larger significance.
13
@eheck
You may need to check that story about you mom not being able to get a bank account. Every woman I know had her own bank account in the 1970s. I know I did. Are you thinking of student loans or possibly a mortgage - did your mom need someone with a verifiable and reliable income to consign her loan?
I think that we are in the midst of re defining what a "man" and "woman" is, and how they should interact in the public and personal sphere. The issue with this is that not all people on this planet will agree with the post industrial western view of the sexes and I doubt they ever will. It is easy to fall into the thinking that we in the "West" speaking into our echo chamber can claim moral superiority and have the definitive answer.
2
Thank you Mr. Yancy. We desperately need more of this -- more honesty, more men talking to other men about sexism and misogyny. Every time I read something like this from a man I find myself profoundly moved -- in part because this kind of discussion between men is so rare (and so necessary), and in part because it's such a relief to have my experiences as a woman validated instead of trivialized or disbelieved.
14
This is a start, and men need to heed the call to change their sexist views and practices now, before they fall even lower in the estimation of the women they so casually abuse and belittle, who are in all cases their equals and in many cases their superiors. Yancy is applying the same logic he has used to tease out his own subconscious racism to the sexist situation, and his work on his inherited and monstrous social conditioning looks will be a lifelong deracination endeavor. Most of the men in the world are truly not up to the task, and patriarchal violence, like we saw on vivid and horrifying display in the manipulative antics of Brett Kavanaugh and Prince MBS of Saudi Arabia, show that sexism is rewarded in America and towards men's tarnished allies at the highest levels, and sends a terrible message to boys and young men that violence toward women and those less powerful is allowed.
4
I have a question for the author. The surname issue is well-articulated and represents a step in the right direction. But could you answer this: did your wife expect a diamond ring from you when you were engaged? I continue to be mystified how even the most ardent feminists cling to the patriarchal notions that the man must propose marriage (sometimes with the obsequious and subordinate pose of getting down on one knee) and more consistently expect and insist that the proposal be validated with the biggest diamond possible. I could be wrong but in the interest of honesty and candor I'd like to know how the author dealt with this issue which he conveniently ignores....while men can and should do much to engender equality we need to be sure to hold women accountable who cling to those traditional customs despite their patriarchal message.
14
@Social Justice - I'm an "ardent feminist", and when we decided to get married, my darling husband asked what sort of ring I wanted. I said "let's buy each other rings, nothing more than $50".
We decided it would be fun to keep this going, so we extended the plan and now we buy each other $50 (or less) rings for our anniversary. We each have sixteen really cool rings. I wear whichever one I'm in the mood for on a given day.
5
@Ellen L. Good for you. That's a great tradition but I suspect you agree with me that its the exception, not the rule....symbolism is powerful and in my very liberal academic environment the ring thing is remarkably resistant to change.....as Proverbs says--"A woman of valor is worth more than rubies"--I'm not a gemologist but I would propose that all people are worth more than the most precious stones. Still it is good to have a concrete, mutually meaningful expression of devotion....so congratulations on your solution.
In families where the father is largely absent, such as the family of the author (he has shared this in other writings, such as his piece at "What is it Like to Be A Philosopher?", it is women who are raising the men, teaching them in schools, being their librarians, babysitters, and caretakers. If there is sexism, guess where they're likely learning it, and from whom they are learning it?
8
@Observer of the Zeitgeist
Boys learn sexism from television, movies, advertising their peer group. Boys without in-home male role models quickly pick up the worst stereotypes around them.
In a world were it is clear that women are second-class boys do not take their behavioral cues from their mothers.
The argument that women raise boys and are therefore responsible for boys' sexism is an attempt to deflect responsibility from men - men who control gov't, media, wealth and culture.
3
Thank you. Yes we do need men like you to speak up and address this. This brought tears to my eyes. Because women are physically smaller and not as strong as men we are always in danger and aware of it even in simple daily actions like riding an elevator with a man or walking to our parked car in an empty lot.
We need to create a country in which women are seen and treated as equals. I am still waiting for the ERA to be included in our Constitution.
16
Most men if not all men are sexist. Some of the most sexist men I have met consider themselves to be "liberals" too. It is a societal issue we need to deal with. Getting people fired at 55 will not solve the issues young men and boys have.
5
@Jane
"Most men if not all men are sexist."
I have never been a fan of the omniscient observer voice on any side of any argument.
6
@Jane If only we had women as elementary school teachers.
3
@Jane
"Most men if not all men are sexist."
a vast generality predicated entirely on the gender of the group in question ... in short ... gender prejudice, i.e. sexism
plus ça change
Thank you for this thoughtful piece, most women I have spoken with in abuse circles wish for nothing more than apologies and acknowledgement.
6
Self-abasement must have made him feel good.
If you are guilty, you are guilty. If you are innocent, you are innocent, and should not be presumed or feel guilty.
15
"Yet I argue that we are collectively complicit with a sexist mind-set and a poisonous masculinity rooted in the same toxic male culture from which these men emerged."
Yes! Of course we are. Few males have never engaged in the sexism being passed around like a 40oz in a group of males. Even if uncomfortable with it, disgusted by sharing the backwash - most take a swig. And these groups can form in a moments notice and like puppets we males dance the same dance.
Ive spoken up many times, or most often walked away from such things...but its not an act of defiance, because there is no real consequence to a walk-off. No lesson taught.
I agree, we males are the ones who can fix things with women, and others we denigrate for not being male enough, or tough enough to deal with us.
One place to start is ridding ourselves, personally, of this "boys will be boys" as excuse nonsense. As it runs counter to our adult maleness. As adults we hate it when anyone might call us a "boy", so why do we use it, why especially do females protecting us use it, when its actually an insult.
Still being a boy as a grown male runs counter to most of the very traditions (mythological, religious, literature, etc) we rely on to form our paradigms about maleness and adulthood. None of them pay respect to adult males behaving as boys.
Every adult male should look at their boy-behavior, and how they unconsciously rely on the excuse. Expecting it be drawn when caught being very less then mature.
10
Wait, a lot of children have parents who model this for their kids. It would be rebellious and disobedient to question our parents' leadership on this and on many fronts. It's also in the Bible, as is rape and slavery. What are you saying, that we should just turn our backs on pretty much every cultural tradition and religion just because of a fad?
Male virility is the sacred quest that is motivated by the shame and fear of not being able to live up to its demands. Just because it's unfashionable right now should mean we have to give up trying.
Female virility is obviously catching up very fast. Women are encouraged to be as virile as men in life and career, which means men have to work harder at it, not just settle for reduced status.
Each individual is authorized by themselves, not by the gender's controls.
2
I hadn’t realized getting rid of slavery was just a fad. If so, I’m all for fads.
7
Trump is more worried about his sons because they are more likely to be indicted.
9
This piece reminds me of Chinese re education camps under Mao. Large groups of indoctrinated individuals forcing others to 're think their ignorant ways' to renounce their sins and once and for all to leave the dark side for the light. This columnist has come to believe that even teen age boys who are attracted to females and engage in harmless playful banter are somehow dangerous and threatening. This is the bizarre perspective we have come to expect from the second wave feminists that have taken over the rational, coherent, and courageous views of initial feminism in the 1960's. As I read this column I don't know if I should laugh or shake my head in disbelief as men are now brow beaten to believe that they must feel guilty and seek repentance for their gender, biology, and human nature. This all reminds me of the Victorian times when women were scolded for even the slightest interest in erotic aspects of life. Now the script is flipped and men are scolded for the same things. History may not repeat but it certainly rhymes.
49
@boji3 I agree. This could very well be the start of the next dark age. Postmodernism after all presumes that fact is not fact, but merely a collection of traditions. This movement sees every relationship as a display of power and dominance. What a petty and flawed way to look at the world.
13
The author asks society to stop shoving men and women into restrictive little boxes. Somehow, that's Maoism and a threat to freedom?
7
@boji3 Brilliant riposte
2
The ongoing problem with these pieces is that they assume (wrongly) that male aggression is primarily directed at women; in fact, it is primarily directed at other men. And given society's rules about male respectability and how "fighting" should be carried out, male violence against males is probably the most underreported crime in existence.
16
Agree that boys and men treat girls and women in these ways, and it should stop. However, the physical attraction of the sexes to one another is a reality that also needs to be considered in a re-visioning of gender relationships. We don't simply look into each other's souls; our gaze takes in externals too. Is this ideal? Possibly not, but it does seem to be part of our makeup as mate-seeking human beings.
8
Speaking as a philosophy grad student, this is the right-wing
counterrevolutionary nonsense I have come to expect from faculty in the discipline. To see why, let's imagine that we're in 1960's Spain and we notice how oppressive the Spanish state is, and university professors advise us to take responsibility for our role in it. That's all well and good, sure, but that's also not a strategy for dismantling the oppressive Spanish state---the proposed strategy is one which leads to people sitting in their houses and doing absolutely nothing. And this is the attitude philosophy faculty have with regard to literally everything---they want never to actually change oppressive tyrannical structures because they themselves benefit from them. For instance, how many faculty in the discipline have organized and confronted administrators over the use of adjuncts, for instance? We both know the answer to that.
Hashtag activism is not going to liberate anyone---it is not going to make the poor better off, it is not going to help create a democratic society, etc.---and as such it is a total and utter waste of time. We all know that, in the same way we know it's a total and utter waste of time for 1960's Spaniards to sit around blaming themselves for Franco's behavior. If we want a more fair society, stop with the virtue signalling---because that's what it is, and the right-wingers are correct in criticizing the left for this---and actually go confront the powers that be, eg by strikes.
8
@Andrew fortunately we don’t live in a dictatorship. Instead of striking, we can all VOTE!
@JG You should vote, that is right. and you should also strike, and march, and have sit-ins in the offices of your elected "representatives" (that's what we call the people whose job it is to represent corporations), and so on and so forth. We have to do these things because the Democratic Party is a right-wing party (while the GOP is just off the spectrum, ultra right wing nationalist at this point), and so there isn't a genuine left-wing option available. And this is not a crazy view: it's the view by some columnists in the Financial Times, for instance, who say that AOC is really just a run-of-the-mill European social or Christian democrat. (In Germany, the Social Democrats are supposed to be center-left and the Christian Democrats are I guess center-right.) So your advice is the same counterrevolutionary advice as that found in this piece, and also found, I should note, in speeches by one of America's and, indeed, the world's favorite war criminals, Barack Obama, who wants to encourage people not to be apathetic and to go vote. Sure, fine, go vote if it's gonna actually do something---but when it comes to the big stuff, voting simply is not enough, by any means
When the term "sex object" was introduced to me in my youth decades ago, I actually didn't know what it meant.
Sure, by then, I was attracted to the opposite sex by then; however, the strongest characters in my life up to that point were also female. To say the least, my sisters were more studious and have managed to achieve successes in academia as well as career. Many were teachers and well respected. Then, in college, my favorite professor was a student of Nelson Goodman - The Stone is a column about Philosophy about all - and she was a fierce 1st gen woman-liber, even though she might have been offended to be called a feminist.
The point? The real responsibility of each of us is to teach our children well and be kind to everyone and everything. Men, women, children, animals, insects. Getting swept up by movements may be exhilarating; but for something to be durable, you need to be on solid ground before you reach for heaven. You may not want to copy Greek life anthropomorphically, but the idea of using reasons and heart are universally acceptable. After all, when you talk about Nash's Equilibrium a la Game Theory, it is about the maximum good for the maximum population and an ever expansion inclusion a la Hermeneutic Circle
2
I commend you for writing this article and completely agree with everything you said in regards to boys wearing a "masculine mask." It's a fascinating perspective and makes me think long and hard about how I would raise my future children. However, as a women, I cannot help but think that I personally play a role in furthering that mask. Am I to blame for naturally being more attracted to masculine men?
Or, perhaps it was already embedded into my beliefs about femininity?
Thanks again for writing this article. I recently got married and also chose not to take my husband's last name for the same reasons your wife outlined :)
5
@Marla Becker Not all women prefer 'masculine' men.
3
That the top 6 "Reader Picks" for this essay are women tells us that Mr. Yancy, though beginning his essay with "Listen up men," has actually written a piece mostly of interest to women. Women appreciate his "mea culpa" in that he is aware of toxic ideas (and behaviors) inherited from the patriarchy.
However, if a man wants to do long-term inner work on himself to discover how he can become a gentle, relational, loving, sexy, fierce-yet-non-violent person, he absolutely cannot use the meme of "toxic masculinity," or he will slowly poison himself.
That said, it's a good idea for every man to examine himself closely on a continuous basis for internal sexism inherited from generations of the patriarchy. In every conversation or action a man undertakes in relation to a woman, he should be asking himself would he be talking/acting in this way if he were relating to a man? If not, what is the difference in his attitude? And why? Any man who wants to relate well to a woman should have this internal background "overseer" online at all times watching what he's doing, what's going on inside himself.
Ultimately, what women want most in men is that they be awake and aware inside themselves, and that they be fair, consistent, loving and generous to everyone irrespective of gender or sex.
Now the bad news: the abusiveness of the patriarchy will not completely cease until men stop killing men on battlefields.
We men must liberate ourselves from that one man at a time.
11
Some day we may be ready for a balanced and thoughtful discussion on gender, where men and women can be introspective about the good, the bad and they ugly in their experiences and actions. While the media, academia and politics of the left is dominated by self-flagellating men like this fellow, I'll sit it out.
18
I'm not sure why this has me pondering if we shall all become Eloi.
3
How sweet, if this message could be sent back in time. For many women of my generation, the damage has already been done. I can only hope, and I sadly hold out little hope, that the young men of today, will honor a woman's right to say no. To back off when it is obvious their advances are not welcome or desired. I was sexually abused in my 20's and despite many years of therapy, the pain still lingers on into my 50's. The current political environment encourages and also emboldens the idea, that the true victims, despite evidence to the contrary, are the alleged perpetrators, not the victims. Yes there needs to be due process, but in my experience, victims rarely receive it. Try walking into your local precinct, after an assault, and you will see what I mean.
13
The comments are so interesting, because so many men seem to be taking Yancy’s thoughts deeply personally; it’s not now nor has it ever been “their” normal. Sounds to me like the lady (gentlemen...as they’re assuring us) doth protest too much.
The point isn’t that ALL men are like this or that ALL women are assaulted. My understanding of Yancy’s point is that we all live on that playing field, if we care to look around. By saying “I would never do that” and thinking that’s where responsibility ends we enable those who do terrible things. Silence is the most despicable form of complicity.
21
Dear Prof. Yancy,
While I appreciate where this comes from, I am concerned about some persistent problems here. (Unacknowledged homophobia, for one.) I am most baffled by your hook line: Why would you deploy the speech act, "#IAmSexist," which give double circulation to this problem? (It could so easily be appropriated by intentional misogynists as a rallying cry.) It performs not only an indictment but also an identification.
There is no need to speak "out on behalf of women" or even "with women." There is something patriarchal about the ways that we cis-men assume our voices are collective, necessary, and essential. Instead, we should speak for ourselves as individual agents of change. I will endeavor to do the same.
7
Thank you Professor Yancy. Every man who speaks out such as you have helps to heal women's souls.
It is always up to the dominant social group to attack the structures and ideology of dominance - not for the subordinated group as you say - but with us. A person who considers himself justifiably superior or dominant to another generally cannot hear her argument for justice. I've said this for decades about race and gender.
You eloquently demonstrate what it means to be a true ally by personally describing your experience rather than simply objectifying through arguement. Thank you. Thank you.
4
I'm happy to join the left in pushing for equality between the genders. I'll be an "Ally." But I'm not going to wear a hair shirt for the rest of my life. If that's going to be a condition of being a part of the progressive coalition then count me out.
24
I was married once, for ten years. Other than that, I've been single. My intimate relationships are front and center in my attitudes toward women. And I believe that I was no more at fault in these relationships than were my significant others. I wronged them as much as they wronged me. They had as much power as I did in the relationships. And the compromises we made were fairly negotiated. There is simply no reason why I should be apologizing.
As for my relationship with my daughter the same goes. I raised my two kids 50-50 after the divorce and I cared for her pretty much the same as I cared for my son. She has the usual complaints as do I. But our relationship is a good one -- much better than with her mother -- and there is no need for apologies on either side.
Men who feel the need to apologize to women across the board have either done too many things that they shouldn't have or they are mistakenly caught up in the #MeToo movement. The notion that men are always in the wrong strikes me as total nonsense.
12
NOBODY said men are always wrong.
4
@michjas
"The notion that men are always in the wrong strikes me as total nonsense."
I never realized so many men-- who, oddly, have access to a news publication-- are completely illiterate until I read this article! I truly didn't know that male illiteracy was this big of a problem. I guess these guys are correct after all- boys really are falling behind in school. Is there a charity I can donate to? A literacy out-reach program that might help you? A place I can volunteer? I'm really good at reading.
All of these dudes reacting to words that aren't written on this page and that have never been said. . . . .
3
This editorial still misses the most insidious ways in which sexism manifests. It's not the Weinsteins or the Kavanaughs of the world who scare me. It's the Eric Schneidermans - the men who are so confident in their sense of superiority and entitlement that they voice feminist arguments as further evidence of their control and power over women. Look for example at how Yancy argues his points - by simply declaring things to be the truth. Don't worry women! A man has arrived to affirm us. For many men, feminism is just another opportunity to show themselves as the arbiters of truth. After all, it isn't true until men decide it's true. That is the nightmare in which victims of sexual violence live.
8
I can’t remember any editorial or column that had a nice thing to say about men.
Just imagine if there had been a similar flow of criticism pointed at women or a minority group.
My wife kept her last name at my suggestion. I do all the cooking and cleaning, and we split childcare. I have given tens of thousands of dollars to planned parenthood. I took many “women’s studies” course in college and read many women authors admit part of my major. I’ve hired and mentored many women professionally.
And .... I voted for Trump in the last election because I’m fed up with being vilified for being male. I’m tired of the rhetoric calling me toxic because of my gender.
This column is representative of a take no prisoners gender war, where truth, fairness and cooperation are forbidden.
Sorry, but it’s time to stop.
34
I’m a woman who doesn’t need the entire male population to hashtag their roles, allegiances, and apologies in life. The outing of the MeToo, alleged guilty, men on a National level, for their behavior of women, is a step forward to opening a once dark secret that has hurt communities across this country. The time for justice for them will come one day through thorough and honest police investigators and investigations, fair due process, and Constitutional bound rule of law and justice.
I’m not sure where Yancy is going. Maybe he wants a date and the article makes him feel like a great guy. Maybe he meant no harm and was trying to rely on the beautiful camaraderie that men tend to have when they have each other’s back. Definitely more so than women. Whatever the reason, two things I think I can be sure of. First, Mr. Yancy is a gentleman at heart, his intentions were kind no matter how displaced he puts the majority of our American men. Second, this is most important, I don’t think that Mr. Yancy voted for Trump at all. And especially with the mean premise that (a)men are treated so abhorrently in this country and (b) Trump’s politics, if you’re a lover of women, you’d NEVER pull that lever no matter how angry you got.
‘Vote Democratic not because you’re liberal but because you’re Americans’
Thomas Friedman
2
@Matt Sorry, but voting for Trump kind of outs you. And in case you haven't noticed, Trumps words and behavior makes it a lot more likely that the men who voted for him will be vilified.
4
@Matt
I can appreciate that you feel vilified. But we women are being hunted. One cannot open a newspaper without reading about a woman who’s been murdered, gone missing, being trafficked, raped and left for dead. Once THAT problem is solved, yours will be, too.
2
It is good that the author has had the epiphany that he has been a patriarchal tool. The author also needs to take the next step and realize that many, many of us have moved beyond this already. He is not leading, but rather just running to catch the bus. You deserve credit for calling (further) attention to toxic masculinity, but you do not deserve a pat on the back for recognizing it any more than you do a pat on the back for having swept the floor or done the dishes.
4
But what last name do your children have ... and why?
14
Speak for yourself George Yancy.
24
They exist! My wife was not offered nor considered taking my name. Besides, she's a female and as such require zero fixing mostly because she is smarter, kinder and enjoys better human qualities than I have. I'm considered very smart, fortunate actually, because she picked me (to my utter delight and shock). I'm a hard core feminist without a single regret or doubt about my bonafides.
6
As a female, I say we need men, men like this author. thank you.
I also see desperation among male commenters getting oh so defensive. please, the toxic masculinity has been around since the dawn of time and is in the DNA. it's going to take a whole lot of social evolving to correct. goes for women too willing to accept it also.
15
Systemic misogyny with it's sense of male entitlement and the resulting sexual violence against women is a blight long overdue for public discussion. Alas, I think professor Yancy got it mostly wrong.
Almost completely absent is discussion of personal responsibility and respect for others. Whether as boys we were raised to be warriors, athletes, lawyers, teachers, artists or dancers; each and every one of us is responsible for making good choices which respect others.
Our freedoms and entitlements end where they bump against the freedoms and entitlements of others.
We need those Alpha warriors, athletes, politicians , lawyers and business people, all of whom have a burning desire to win. How do we do a better job of training them up to win without stripping them of all empathy and humanity so they don't risk becoming sexual predators?
I think it can be done.
We also need to have all the non-Alpha males know they can lead happy lives where they find love and companionship if they choose. Nobody needs more incel nonsense or violence.
So professor, less public wrenting of sackcloth and dramatic public confessions please. More on pragmatic solutions to what ails us.
How best do we imbue all young males with the necessary sense of respect and personal responsibility for their own actions, while still allowing them to follow their chosen paths?
7
Your support of non-Alpha males and suggestion that young men should be free to choose their paths in life is a blatant example of male privilege and the co-opting of :metoo. Women EARNED the right or be unlimited in their options. Being male doesn’t give one the right to act in privileged or patriarchal ways but that doesn’t absolve men from the responsibilities of manhood like serving ones country and perhaps even giving your life for it, doing the job before them without regard to their likes and wishes; recognizing that their employers needs outweigh their interests and further that employee turnover is obscenely costly and sinful.
1
Maybe a good first step is getting together as men, and stop falsely dichotomizing and stigmatizing yourselves in these "alpha versus other" categories that don't serve anyone in a meaningful or positive way (and there's plenty of good research now show, these labels and "traits" are not inherent and don't actually exist).
You can be competitive, you can be a leader, you can be whatever the case, without being a completely self-centered, self-imposing, self-righteous, self, self, self person. And, you can start with yourself, wherever one might be in that process, including with this article, which is a far cry from where it seems many are at by reading some of these self-aggrandizing posts.
3
@Tom McLachlin So all of the alpha warriors are male? Doubt it.
2
It is fine to make this admission. Many of us have. Now what the heck are we going to do? This exercise is a waste of words unless we commit to inclusive action. For example, we could change the way we educate our sexist ideation, create a new curriculum which endeavors to make sexist male attitudes unacceptable to all boys and young men. Simone was right, you’ve got to be taught.
3
I'm Not Sexist.
Please don't try to speak for me.
A teenage boy looking at a girl's behind is not sexist, and neither is a girl looking at a boy's naked chest. People look at each other. People are sexually attracted to each other, and it's a beautiful, normal thing.
Hoping that your wife will take your last name is not toxic masculinity.
The author is clearly suffering from a lot of self-loathing as well as latent hostility towards women, which he is right to examine and try to understand, but not to project onto the general male population.
40
You’re post is offensive from the first word to the last. Women have the absolute right to set their own limits, their own bar, in what they will and will not accept from men. If a woman is offended by a mans look, then he is guilty of privilege and sexualization. I was recently screamed at when I held the door for a woman. Frankly, I would have held it for anyone who was just two steps behind me, but this young woman saw it as an affront and acted accordingly. As such, I was notably embarrassed, probably as she intended. That is her right.
2
Rates of rape—men against women— makes men collectively looking at women’s butts a threat. It’s not a beautiful appreciation of women. It’s a bunch of guys proving how masculine they are by turning women into things.
2
The author really is obnoxious towards his wife. But Not all guys treat housework as an optional favor, or care about last names.
8
Religion has a lot to do with the male patriarchy.....In virtually every "fundamentalist" or "right wing" or "ultra conservative" religion -- Judiasm, Christianity, Mormonism and Islam....those in control are men - often men in dresses, oddly enough. Some sects have become more modern, but most have not. And, they all push a political agenda which is definitively anti-women.
6
@Vicki I guess you haven’t been to church in a while. As far as Christianity goes, women are pretty much holding up the Protestant denominations and would be doing even more in Catholicism if the clergy was not limited to men. And you should be more careful about labeling all of Christendom as right wing, ultra conservative, fundamentalists. Every group has its extremists and no organized religion or organized anything is free of dogma. The miracle that our society values the life and right to liberty and justice of each individual is a direct result of the impact of Christian ideals on Western Civilization.
6
I hope this column was intended as satire.
41
@me
Not likely in the deadly serious Times!
2
“We men” ??? Speak for yourself. The vast majority of men 80-90% don’t fit into this pigeon hole.
25
Good Lord! An entire article trying to prove to the world hes one of the good guys. A modern enlightened soul. A hero!! A New Age man! What a piece of work!! What a front runner! An entire article in the New York Times!! Hallelua. Open the bubbly and drink a toast to 21st century philosophy. Goodbye cave man. Free at last!!!!
21
What is that old saying? "Thou dost protest too much?" Yes, I would like the obnoxious men of the world--the Trumps, the Kavanaughs, the Roses, etc, etc, etc to grow up and treat women like human beings of worth. But just do it; don't sit around and whine about your awfulness. Just do it.
8
@Ceilidth-------I agree. All of us, men and women, are struggling to get free of many unpleasant ancient chimpanzee characteristics. We all inherited a lot of nastiness from those ancient parents but we did not ask for nastiness. We aren't to blame.
We are to blame, though, if we don't try with all our strength to get free of ancient nastiness. Men will fail, women will fail, but actually we're all together in this. Thus, we might as well put our arms around each other and help each other as best as we can.
It's going to take a while.
2
Well Mr. Yancy. You must surely have seen that Sinatra film, "Come Blow Your Horn" back in the day. Congrats on the metamorphosis.
We are all wearing golden ankle bracelets, indeed.
3
Until both men and women stop buying into this insidious behavior, it will not abate, no matter how apologetic a man is. Both sexes play a part in the macho environment.
Both sexes judge the other's looks, how they dress, how they behave, how much money they make, where they are in their working life, what kind of place they live in.
The difference is that most women do not run around raping men.
4
@Jean Nor do most men.
8
@Thomas
True . But most men to make unwanted passes at women.
@Jean Most men either.
3
After reading these comments, I'm surprised that there hasn't been a response to #metoo of men saying #notme! C'mon guys. I'm sure that you're (mostly) better than that. If your first response is to frantically deny problematic behaviors and benefitting from your privilige in order to absolve yourself of any responsibility rather than taking a long, critical look at your past behaviors, you're not all that much better than someone like Brett Kavanaugh, crying in his beer about what a "good and decent man" he is.
8
While this article is very interesting as far as it goes...it doesn't go wide enough. By "wide", I mean the article only describes violence of men against women. Some of that violence is sexual and some is simple domination. They do intertwine often, but not always.
What is missed here is the use of violence against anyone and everyone as a form of domination. We have a bully culture which stair steps all the way down. if the boss bullies you, then you may feel the need to bully some underling...or your wife...or your children...or your pets. Bullying has become a core strategy.
So, what are we to believe here? Real men are bullies? If you want power as a woman, you'd better turn into a bully too? As for your children...be worried for them if they are not acting like little bullies?
"Hey little Johnny, and yes, little Jenny. Why haven't I been getting reports from your school that you were misbehaving by bullying other children? Don't you want to become real men and women? Do you want to be failures as an adults?"
If Trump is the modern definition of an American man, I don't want to be one. If Trump's base is the definition of modern human, I'll choose o call myself a different species.
VOTE OUT ALL REPUBLICANS
9
The preening self knows no gender. I thought this was a satire, at first. So earnest. Puberty as patriarchy! Don't eat sugar, don't eat meat, don't look at that girl's seat. That'll cure things.
25
Mr. Yancy's column can be summed up in 'Boys are bad, girls are good'.
13
I can't tell if this is satire.
23
Hurts, huh? To be stereotyped? Welcome to the world of women.
2
I can't push back enough that a masculine eroticism that is visual, power based, part of how men construct worth and objectifying is constructed or a mask.
My experience certainly supports that there are masks and constructs that are built upon the root self that is a make self. those can and should be modified where they support and maintain abusive and unequal power structures and behaviour. but the core experience I have of being a cis bi male is one where desire is intimate with objectification's built tensions with subjective interpersonal space.
who I am is a building built on that foundation, but to be clear that foundation that is being so triumphantly denigrated now is essential to who I am. you're welcome to point out the parts that need burnishing to make shared space equitable for everyone, but don't for a minute think that a sustained ideology hostile to core foundational parts of who I've been for as long as I can remember has any place in my life.
I'm on board and ready to continue work to make equitable shared spaces... but they sure will not be spaces but on the fiction in this essay that everything distasteful to the author is construct and dismissible.
oh and let's be clear while we're having our flagillation party no one cares one Whit that you were an obstinate jerk to your wife. you and your sins only serve your current self construction. they have no place in a discourse about harms done to women.
1
Don't you just love it when one person takes their own failings and tries to project it on the rest of society? Why not just take responsibility for your own actions and not try to minimize your own failings by using the excuse that "everybody isle " is the same as you?
26
@Joe Sure as long as you take responsibilities for your own actions and everyone else does the same. Like Trump say. Until that's the case someone had better point things out.
1
So:
1. According to some polls, the generic preference (D vs R) in the House has basically shrunk to a dead heat.
2. The Dems, having overplayed their hand on Kavanaugh, are already alienating independent voters at a record clip.
3. Next brilliant strategy move: Shame all men as sexists. Start a new hashtag meant to inspire confessions from those of us who sinned at all levels (silence, indifference, not quite doing enough, or horrible overt acts).
Jeez.
Is it also possible to have a made-for-TV awards show the night before the election when all of Hollywood gets together to inadvertently eviscerate everyone living west of the Appalachians and east of the Sierras.
Liberalism really could win more often, on merits, if some of these tedious people would just shut it.
Can we not find a populist spokeswoman or spokesman who manages to get these ideas across without sounding like a modern-day Eddie Haskell?
20
"We need to admit our roles in the larger problem of male violence against women."
In the comments section?
On social media?
To the nearest female?
Is there an action plan here or did you just want to spread some generalized shame? You're not wrong, but it does seem a bit self-indulgent.
9
My response to your “I’m sexist” admission is okay sure, we all know most men are sexist. But the more vexing question/issue that you failed to answer is what are you and your ‘woke” brethren going to do about it?
Curious minds want to know because a hashtag ain’t doing it for me. Thanks!
9
I grew up in the Netherlands. When I came to America more than three decades ago, I got the feeling that many American women seemed to have a chip on their shoulder—a vague mistrust and even hostility toward men. Later, I concluded that there are a lot of macho jerks among American men, and that this might have something to do with that attitude. This column suggests that I was on to something; I recognize almost nothing from my own growing-up experience in it. Maybe it should be edited to say "American men" instead of "men".
26
@Ruleman I always appreciate the comments of people from other countries, especially when so many people try to use the "it's biology!" argument.
Sex ed in kindergarten, treating women as people... The Netherlands, in particular, gets a lot right.
Suggest retirement of terms like "toxic masculinity" if you want any hope of people treating one another with respect.
20
Why? Look at men’s rates of violence against each other and women! It is toxic!
2
@Annie Knox Violence is toxic. But the term is inherently hateful and contemptuous towards men . In fact, toxic to respectful discussion. We need less language designed to close down discussion.
I wonder why there is no engagement ring for a man.
13
@Evan I think it's quite simple. Most women love the idea of having an expensive diamond ring sparkling on their finger to display, mostly for other women. Most men have no similar desire. They can simply TELL their friends they've become engaged to a wonderful woman. I think you're on to something though. Maybe it's time we men insisted that our fiances buy us a new Rolex or something of similar dollar value and equally as ostentatious to celebrate our good fortune.
1
@Evan,
We actually have it in Italy, where married women do not change their names.
1
This is such an American Puritan piece. There are some sexist elements in all men's consciousness, for this is a sexist society, therefore all men are sexist.
No, actually.
What this reality means is that no men are perfect. Neither are any women, because they too grow up in a sexist world and will not, cannot, eliminate 100% of its influence. If, when your sexist behaviour is pointed out to you you acknowledge it and reject it, like Prof. Yancy and his wife's name, then you are not a sexist.
4
This is where PC culture has got it wrong. Individuals are not responsible for the actions of others. All men are not responsible for the actions of some men, just like all Muslims are not responsible for the actions of some Muslims, all black people / some, etc. Recently, a piece was published in the Atlantic about how PC culture is disliked by Americans of all stripes (97 percent of devoted conservatives, 61 percent of traditional liberals.) Times - please put a hold on the PC culture pieces until we make it through the election.
39
Maybe we could all learn something by watching birds. The males preen for the females to get their attention. The females choose the male they deem the best for them.
6
I couldn't care less whether my wife takes my last name or not, and find it odd that this should even be an issue in 2018. I didn't play sexual harassment games when I was a child. I believe Christine Blasey Ford, and most (though not all) women who make such statements. Etc.
I find essays like this creepy in their desperate rush to claim guilt, as if Mr. Yancy's theatrical display of contrition was, in itself, more important than protecting others -- and indeed, something to be applauded. I find this one patronizing in its assumption that he is somehow more enlightened than others. I find it disingenuous, because my experience tells me that overt displays of virtue are narciscistic and often duplicitous, inasmuch as they're just another way of getting over.
Here's my advice: don't be a jerk. And don't try to take center stage by self-flagellating in public.
26
When we got engaged in the 80s, I told my husband I planned to keep my last name. His reaction — sweetly intended — was “Oh! Then we won’t have the same last name!” My response: “Fine. Take mine.” It was a short conversation.
8
Reminds me of a teenage boy in a friend’s history class. My friend had pointed out that the use of the word “mankind” to refer to all of the world’s people hugely short-shrifts women and is sexist. The teenage boy snorted and said, “Oh come on! Everybody knows the word mankind refers to everyone! It’s not sexist!” My friend smiled and said, “Well then surely since we all know the word refers to everyone, you wouldn’t mind if we just switched to referring to everyone in the world as ‘womankind,’ right? You’re okay with being referred to as being a part of womankind, right?”
The boy’s face turned bright red. He got it.
We women may not need a man to tell us we are not paranoid, but I appreciate the validation and calling your misogynist violence what it is. Society cannot change unless we work together to change it!
6
The joyful bliss of the liberal intellectual fully engaged in his two favorite vices: self-flagellation and virtue signalling.
.
Men are not women. The perfect world would not, in fact, be one where all men acted and felt like women. Men are not capable of this, it would deny their biology, and women would like it less than some feminists might think. The dynamics between men and women are evolving, as they often have. #MeToo is nudging us towards changes, which is good and healthy. #IAmSexist is the epitome of virtue signalling, and as such little more than narcissism.
43
Professor Yancy, your accusatory essay, based on the liberal ideology that continuously comes down from many liberal pulpits and academic cathedra(s), is what drove me in the arms of the Republican Party.
All you people do is virtue signaling, and quite frankly, we - and not only the working class ‘boors’ and the country ‘bumpkins’, but even those of us in academia are tired of it.
My father, born in 1918, was not sexist, my brothers are not sexist, and neither are my husband and my sons. I did not ask my husband if I could keep my last name. It so happened that I just did.
Spare us your preaching.
35
@Rose M. It's fascinating to watch adults admit in public that they decide who to vote for based on essays by philosophers who don't even mention elections. You take it as a given that liberals are more tuned in to issues like sexism and misogyny; you feel guilty for your role in systems of oppression. You vote Republican, which you know is wrong, because voting for Democrats means you've 100% aligned yourself with views like those of Dr. Yancy. It's hard to imagine anything less mature, or patriotic.
2
Wow. Didn't anyone ever tell you to speak for yourself? Some of us figured these things out at a much younger age. This essay reminds me of the breathless excitement of those who discover in their '40s that exercise actually makes you feel better or that smoking really is in fact bad for you.
Perhaps if you had paid attention to some of the more intelligent women around you when you were a child and applied the critical thinking available to you even at that young age you might have realized that the assumptions of patriarchy might well be demonstrably false.
But welcome to the club.
8
I couldn't tell if this was satire or not.
17
Neither could the good professor.
3
"It’s time that we men take responsibility for our role in the problem of violence against women.”
“we men”, “our role”?
You are being way too inclusive with any violence against women. First of all, Trump won white women by 53% in 2016. Lets please include them in the whole, “taking responsibility” thing. As for myself personally, I have never committed any violence toward any women, and I voted Hillary. I never got drunk and attacked any unsuspecting women even though some have, and are sitting on the Supreme Court. So, please Mr. Yancy, tell me what else can I do?
2
@Prant Well it's clear, isn't it Prant? It's internal purification, a confession of your complicity even when you haven't done anything overt. In this little religion, we men are all guilty and what is being demanded is confession--it's a not so subtle emotional strongarming, and personally I find it offensive--when I don't find it a laughably transparent power trip.
3
@Chris Buczinsky Womendon't want your confession. We already know what men do. We'd just like to have that sort of behavior rewarded. Like with supreme court seats.
The fact that you didn’t mention anything at all about the other parts of women’s experiences reinforces your sexism. If you really care about equality, I suggest you start by co-leading a task force (with the highest ranking female at your institution) to make sure all female employees, from custodial staff through full professors, are promoted at equal levels, are paid equally, and are not penalized for becoming parents. That’s just one example, of many. Want to be a real feminist? Stop talking about only our body parts.
7
I'm a supporter of absolutely equal rights and privileges for both genders (and trans rights too, since it's topical) but if my capitulation towards becoming a mawkish, simpering apologist that equates engagement of "patriarchal thinking" (ie: following a generations-old tradition of merging two people from different families into their own family under one name) with "condone[ing] rape]", then yes, count me a sexist. This is an extrapolation of logic past its furthest useful boundaries and throws the proverbial baby with the bathwater and detracts from solving real problems, like actual rape and actual misogyny.
2
Many men like to think they are much worse than they really are. It's kind of self-destructive.
The metoo movement is under a trendy illusion. Women are sexist too. Americans in general need a better way to act.
5
"The history of toxic and violent masculinity should have been enough for us to give full weight to the reasonableness and believability of Ford’s testimony."
Thankfully, that is now how justice operates. An individual's guilt is to be determined based on evidence in their own individual, not on some mass stereotyping of a demographic group to which they belong.
10
Thank you for this article and for working to be a better human being.
2
Thank you for reminding me of the otherness of this place. When I moved back to Quebec after forty years away the first thing my wife was told by Immigration Quebec was that she could no longer use my surname she would have the name she was born with for all time.
When we left Michigan they were threatening to close public rest stops because men were using them to have sex. In Quebec people use rest stops for other things and many are unisex and even the leader of the official opposition was open about his flamboyant lifestyle. Marriage has little legal meaning and feminism means that for many jobs like doctors and lawyers women will soon be a vast majority and are now just a majority.
3
@Memphrie et Moi Was your wive a Quebecousie? T hey are awfully proud of their heritage, and I sure don't blame them for that. Go Habs Go!
The problems of #metoo and #iamasexist and the other confused liberal attempts to reinvent original sin are that humans are dual creatures. We are creatures who think. We imagine, we define, and we create moral structures. We are also creatures of biology. Our biology sometimes can be influenced by our thinking, and other times cannot. The patterns of behavior which our society has erected over centuries (men make moves on women, men initiate invitations, women stop the moves if they wish, women agree or disagree to the initiated invitations) are partly social, partly biological. Liberal ideas in the last 20 years have attempted to put all of biology under conscious control. It has not worked because nature is bigger than our conscious control and plans.
32
Great. Hopefully many men will read, digest, and recognize themselves in this, learning what they could not have by being told this by a woman.
Now, a similarly fulsome statement, replacing sexism with racism would also be very instructive for those who don’t understand the privilege inherent in society’s acceptance of whiteness as normative, and it’s treatment of people of color as exceptions to the norm.
7
@marie:
I think lots of such articles on racism have been written, as they should be.
I also think that the people who really need to read those articles - and this one - won't go beyond the first couple lines. It might enlighten a few, but not most, because most don't want to read something that A) criticizes them and B) they don't agree with.
I don't entirely know what to do about this, but it's a reason that *comedy* can be so effective in pointing out social issues, because laughing gets us to lower our defenses.
On the other hand, if you want to know how to *provoke* defensiveness, study and emulate this opinion piece closely.
3
@Ambient Kestrel Change on this level only comes incrementally, in baby steps, bit by bit, person by person, so reaching a few hearts and minds at a time, as you agree this article might, is still a very laudable goal.
I agree comedy, and many other art forms, are very effective in bringing cultural change. But I don't think it's a question of which one tactic to use, rather, it is about using them all. They will each reach different audiences. Of course some people are so deep in denial they can never be reached, and that will always be the case. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try, and try everything. We owe that to our daughters, and sons, of all races. And, importantly, some of it will enlighten, as you acknowledge.
@marie
Check out this author's op-ed called "Dear White America". He wrote it. And got hammered for it.
There are so many fascinating aspects of the Internet Age. One of the MOST fascinating is the developing "world brain," which literally focuses the attention of millions, billions, on single topics. In this way are sparked massive group musings in a kind of "meta-contemplation" or "meta-debate"--new, startling, and very rapidly-developing ways of engaging in what we might see as the developing "world self."
The present discussion (a colloquy between #MeToo and the just-now-offered #IAmSexist threads) exemplifies the development. It opens new vistas of possibility and challenge to the collective human psyche--the possibility that quite swift change and "consciousness-raising" is possible, with the equally distinct possibility that lone, individual humans will suffer Future Shock and circuit overload even as they are gifted with new insight into their own behavior.
I merely note these effects and potentials in what may seem to be an irrelevant sidebar to the instant discussion, but which gives thought to the question: How can we contribute to the healthful, positive growth of the World Self without blowing the fuses of the lone and struggling self?
3
@Robert:
Love your last sentence. And though I'm sure the author did not intend it, this piece is mostly a fuse-blower to many whom it would claim to be trying to reach.
"Lone and struggling" is exactly how I feel, about this issue and many others.
3
I'd like to know where and when Mr Yancy grew up. I graduated High School in 1978, making me 58 years old. Although I accept that sexism, to one extent or another, resides in all males (and all humans, for that matter). I do not recall "push me into a girl" or "chase a girl, catch a girl, steal a kiss" being played in my little backwater public school in central New Jersey. Maybe I just repressed it all?
4
This article reads like an attempt by the author to normalize his own sexism by projecting it onto every other male around him. It’s not unlike a high functioning alcoholic coming to terms with her own alcoholism by claiming everyone she knows is also an alcoholic.
If Mr. Yancy is sincerely trying to recover from his sexism then now would be a good time for Mr. Yancy to focus on himself and not put his struggles with treating women as human beings onto the rest of us. It’s just one more way for Mr. Yancy to avoid taking full responsibility for himself. Good luck to you in your recovery, Mr Yancy.
32
@Leo Ah -- denial. Those most disturbed/defensive about other people's sobriety are generally those who harbor doubts about their own drinking. Sounds like Mr. Yancy's piece uncomfortably close to home for you.
2
A difficult piece to write well.
The personal childhood descriptions of indoctrination to 'manhood' are the most revealing and chilling. Chilling for their ordinary-ness and the illustration of the poison introduced to boys that is destructive to women and men both. It made me nauseous to read (I'm a woman and a mother) not because it is surprising but because it is familiar and gross.
There is one sentence that stopped me because an important opportunity was missed: "There was no wiggle room for me to be both antisexist and antimisogynistic and yet a heterosexual young boy."
That statement totally misses the other thing that happens in childhood. The intensity of hatred for same-sex attraction or even affection. Loving and sweet young boys reach a point around 2nd or 3rd grade when they begin to be called out by peers as "so gay" (or other slurs) if they touch each other, sit too close, etc. Girls can still enjoy close friendships, hug, hold hands. It's later that the boys will sexualize (for their own dominant 'pleasure') the girls' friendships in order to claim women's sex as their own right.
For those engaging in honest self reflection about their own "toxic masculinity" please reflect on how hatred of queer people goes hand in hand with this process of claiming a place of power and dominance-over in order to be a Real Man.
Thank you for this contribution to the conversation, Mr. Yancy.
7
@taa
Very observant linking of homoophobia with male dominance over women. Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick examined this phenomenon at length (via literary works) in her ground-breaking books “Between Men: English Literature and Male Homosocial Desire” (1985) and “Epistemology of the Closet.”
3
Wow. Talk about meandering.
Yancy doesn't get it. Trump got elected by making people feel proud. Too many Democrats/liberals think they can make everything better by telling everyone that they should feel shame.
43
This article is unseemly in the way a church revival is unseemly. You know the scene, where the preacher whips the crowd up into an emotional frenzy, and one by one people step up to the altar to confess their sins while the rest of the congregation positively waters at the mouth, wallowing in the confessional purging of their most shameful thoughts and despicable actions, which turn out on further investigation to be normal human weakness and common human failures. And to think this is a philosopher writing, a man supposedly trained to critically examine concepts, especially the ones a community uncritically accepts as common sense. Preaching to the choir indeed.
41
If women had a shorter life expectancy than men, they would be clamouring for larger pension checks, on the grounds that they draw the benefit for fewer years. It happens that the discrepancy is the other way around, but I never hear any complaints about that.
7
@Ken Erickson I guess since men make one dollar for every 82 cents a woman makes (2016 statistics)--which translates into larger pension checks for men--men have nothing to complain about!
2
I am a white man and I have privileged
the greatest benefit to White Maleness has been when my mother told me that in America today I would receive no scholarships, no preferential admissions, etc. Everything I wanted, I would have to earn.
this created efficacy. If I was successful, I could be proud. If I failed, I looked inside myself to find out what I needed to change.
I wish I could share this with my daughter,
but society tells her she is a victim.
The current model on the left seems to be about creating equality by taking away my efficacy. It tells me I didn't earn my place. This may be true, but it does nothing to help my daughter.
I want a version of feminism that creates efficacy in young girls. I want a version of feminism that tells her she can create success and isn't some helpless creature waiting for male allies to confess their mysogyny
21
@DrY There are plenty of role models and writings that do what you say. This column says that men need to recognize their part in it and help effect change. Are you forgetting that men are in power? Or did you think that women and girls are going to arm themselves and take power by force?
2
@DrY Why so defensive, so touchy? I'm a white woman, and I'm not a racist, and not for a minute do I think I need to "confess my racism" and acknowledge that "I didn't earn my place." Nor do I believe that racial equality takes "away my efficacy," as if it were a zero-sum game. But I do believe that I have an obligation to stand with those who confront racists head-on, in an effort to stamp out racism, not only because its the right thing to do, but because the end result is an enriched, just society.
Women are asking for the same thing: that men actively and loudly confront misogynists in their midst in an effort to stamp out misogyny. And this is crucial not because women are helpless creatures, but because misogyny entails so many invisible hurdles and insidious guises that not only does it maim the spirit (and sometimes the body), but it prevents half the population from achieving its full potential. The version of feminism you wish for, the one where young girls have "efficacy," is unattainable as long as misogyny rules the day.
2
The mantra when I was young was: Never marry a man until you've seen how he is with a waiter, a child or a dog.
The unspoken mantra was pay attention to what another woman is saying, and life is short: Move on.
What's not said in your article is, that violence knows no limits.
It's not just women.
It's the dog.
It's the kid.
It's the......
6
In a world where every man is a sexist predator, Harvey Weinstein becomes the new normal, and there is no difference between someone like Roy Moore and Barack Obama. Sorry, that is not the world I'd like to live in. Let's save the confessions for those who have actually committed the sin. As an adult man, I've always strived to practice feminist ideals and treat women with the same respect and equality that I treat everyone. I'm happy to say that #IAmNotASexist
23
Thanks for this but somehow I doubt the most toxic men won't be persuaded by bell hooks.
6
@Kiki
You don't have to be a toxic male to remain unpersuaded by bell hooks; you just have to be a reasonable male.
1
My personal though is that it’s this simple: if you are bigger/stronger/more powerful, you have a responsibility to protect those that are not as powerful. You may not abuse them, and you must do what you can to stop abuse.
Any man that feels threatened by as woman... I’m just not sure what to say. Cowards? I can’t explain it. Be a man. Stop the abuse. Actively. Now.
Incidentally, I stick up for guys that are getting picked on, too.
5
The point is not, as so many commenters here urge, to paint men as the devil or make boys feel guilty for being male, but rather to urge recognition of the ways all too many men devalue women without realizing it.
This is a “do unto others” issue. How would you feel about being called the functional equivalent of “little lady”? Or being expected to thank your spouse every time she changed your baby’s diapers? Would you rail at cat calls or having your privates grabbed with impunity? Would you feel devalued if your fiancée took as a given you would adopt HER name? Would you like being judged first and foremost by your looks rather than your intellect, your accomplishments, your character?
Sure, there are many, many men who—either instinctively or because of the way they were raised—treat women with equal dignity and respect. I am eternally grateful to be married to one of them—especially after having been married to one of the others.
If you are one of those men who sees women on equal footing, my hat’s off to you—and I don’t mind saying so since there are all too many who do not. If you’re one of the ones who don’t, I’m glad you read Dr.Yancy’s essay. And I hope, for the good of your sons as well as your daughters—indeed for the good of one of the biggest divides in the country today—that you pause a bit before dismissing it out of hand.
14
@Magnolia
You summed it up perfectly. Thank you!
4
Okay much has been said,heard,wrote,published,tried,punished,debated,errand had been replaced. Who is ready guarantee the next president of the USA in 2020 a woman?
Let us not forget that sexism cuts both ways. Stop and notice.
6
There are a lot of men responding to this with the equivalent of "not all men".
Congratulations, you're a sexist!
You missed the entire point of this op-ed. If you're an ally, then you're vocal and defending women every single day. If you're an ally you don't need to shout, "but not all men are like that," from the rooftop or write that in comments when another man steps up and tries to be an ally. You're not helping any at all.
I welcome any and all male allies speaking up, not on behalf of the good men, but against sexism. Yancey, thank you for trying. Saying something and using your public platform for good is better than silence. I'm sick of the silence of "good" men.
8
@T Main
Then do something about it and cut men out of your life.
2
@T Main You can do that without admitting nonexistent guilt.
I grew up as a Catholic, and am now an atheist. I recognize this game-plan for what it is, and I refuse to participate.
If you want to indulge in pseudo-religious games, go ahead, but don't expect the rest of the world to join in - or feel bad for not playing by your ruleset.
The world doesn't need another hashtag. It doesn't need another self-involved mea culpa. As an ex-Catholic, I understand the appeal of a confession. But by blurring the line between violence and subconscious bias, you're sending a message that monsters like Cosby and Weinstein are in fact, "one of the boys." They aren't. And look around. We struggle to hold the most toxic males in our midst accountable. In what world do you think we have the time to comb through every subconscious thought for malicious intent, rather than spend our time and effort fighting to make the world better and SAFER for women? Can we stop the guy armed with a button that traps women in his office before we stop the guy with the oblivious comment? Kudos for acknowledging your implicit bias, but I'm willing to bet, women might appreciate the help to actually build that better world for them, rather than stepping out into the public square to announce that you've been a jerk. The former improves their lives, the latter is just there to make you feel (and look) better.
14
I suppose this article shows that progressivism has become a new sort of religion. You are supposed to always confess your inherently "fallen" nature, by confessing that you, too, are sexist. Even if, unlike Yancy, you never intentionally had yourself pushed into girls as a child in order to catch a feel, never played "chase a girl, catch a girl," never insisted your wife should take your name. Whatever you may think or do, it does not change your inherently fallen nature. The only solution is to confess to that fallenness every day, and pray to be forgiven for the sin that has marked your heart ever since Adam made the first micro-aggression against Eve.
I'm not sure where all this confessional talk leaves a non-believer like me.
18
Thank you for acknowledging that this culture is highly toxic for women and may you, as I do, extend what you now see to other persons not like you.
I love what the women in Iceland have done to expand and protect their rights as human beings - a national strike in the office,on the streets and in the homes.
Feminism is alive and well and getting stronger by the day.
2
i was interested in professor yancy's well meanining essay right
up to the point where he inserted the " information" that the
word " masculine" was somehow connected to the word " mask."
in what language might that be, doctor?
8
@rob morris I would love the good Professor to show me in the Oxford English Dictionary the connection between mask and masculinity.
1
@rob morris
The wordplay on “mask / masculine” is not Yancy’s but the idea of bell hooks, whom Yancy is quoting here: " I find hooks’s description powerful and true to my own experience as a boy: 'Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term ‘masculinity’),” as hooks writes, “is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.’ ”
Neither hooks nor Yancy claims a linguistic relationship between the two words.
1
It's one thing for a dominant group to share power with everyone else, and another thing for that group to give up its power and let another group take over.
As long as our society condones privilege and top-down relations to the extent that we do, it doesn't make sense to give up your position just to let someone else take over and make you the subordinate. In such a system, everyone struggles to maintain or improve their position, and no one gives ground willingly.
If we morph our system to one that is more egalitarian, then the boss has authority but not rank. You need to let them organize things, but you don't owe them any social deference, and as long as you do your share, they can't help or hinder your future for their personal reasons. Also, anyone who gets the habit of picking on people is quickly corrected or shunned.
But that's not what we have now, is it? We are star-struck; you're either a leader or a loser. So to the extent that women and minorities are admitted to the fight, they're playing against each other and everyone else to gain power, prestige, and the salaries that go with it. And here's the rub: when and if they achieve full parity, most of them will still be individual contributors, because leadership is an exclusive position that requires multiple subordinates to keep it that way. And they'll know that the reason they aren't leaders isn't because of skin color or sex, it's because someone else outworked and outplayed them.
68
@mlbex
Good points.
One thing...we, as a culture and individuals, are struggling with our beliefs (wrong and right) about our nature and nurture, and who gets to decide maleness and womanhood. All while being buffeted with new identities that till now we mostly got to ridicule and vilify as almost non-human.
We live in an economic system where the "bosses" have all the power (destruction of Unions, decimation of employee rights, etc) and workers are...well livestock. Will be less then such as Trump and Camp continue to undermine workers, all for filling the coffers of Executives and their political playthings.
We face so many challenges right now it can be, and is in many ways, insurmountable. Overwhelms many people who would rather just pass the day in oblivion and not do any self-work. Or simply those who refuse what they call the mob incursion of Political Correctness into their and the society at large.
Our challenges are many, but we truly have no Leadership (uppercase L) at this moment in our history. Instead we have Egos running around, especially in POTUS. But no real leaders to rely on.
@mlbex Interesting perspective but not one I share.
2
@mlbex
Even in our current system, a boss can have authority, rank and respect without an exorbitant salary. And power and salary (money) do not correspond to having outworked and outplayed the competition--the evidence for that surrounds us.
1
Many years ago at a college party, I overheard a woman challenge a man, a burly, stereotypical Marlborough Man type: "When are you men going to stop trying to be so macho?" The man, who happened to be a post-doctoral fellow in evolutionary biology, answered without missing a beat: "When you women stop selecting us for it."
His point was that macho posturing provides men with substantial advantages, including advantages in the biological competition for mates and reproduction. If women drawn to macho men were few enough, machismo would cease to exist.
So while I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Yancy's call for men to engage in critical self-examination about our role in sustaining a sexist society, I think that women should also give thought to their role. Every time a woman puts on spike heels, for instance, or paints her face, or exposes her cleavage, is she not furthering the proposition that men are for strength and competence whereas women are for beauty? When a mother pierces her infant daughter's ears, is she not telling her daughter that her primary duty in life is to be pretty?
Many will say I am blaming the victim. My response is that machismo is a prison for men. All of us are victimized in different ways by rigid gender roles, and all of us must share responsibility to make change.
Or, to put it differently, men just aren't strong enough or capable enough to solve this problem by ourselves.
politicsbyeccehomo.wordpress.com
44
@Ecce Homo
I agree. As a woman, I am embarrassed when I see women taking advantage of stereotypical feminine behaviors such as expecting the man to pay for a date, expecting to have the car door openend for her, expecting the husband to take out the garbage and mow the lawn, etc. in the days of second-wave feminism (1970’s), women who were fighting for equality advocated more “unisex” roles and clothing. Unfortunately, that movement was largely confined to educated white women, and after Reagan’s attack on feminism, most women did not want to be seen as “male bashers” and many actually preferred the Pink side of culture, where they could win the game by letting men be dominant.
I am happy to see that many of the ideas of those feminists are again being recognized, as Yancy does in this column by quoting bell hooks and Luce Irigary. Now if only women news anchors would stop wearing sleeveless dresses. And I wish that awards ceremonies such as the Oscars featured Diane Keaton outfits instead of prom gowns!
3
@ecco homo
Well put, and great quote.
I wish someone could write a full op- Ed that discussed the role of human behavior and the biology of evolution in all this.
Would help rid ourselves of endless misunderstandings, shame and shallow articles.
1
I am a man. Therefore, I am part of the problem. I can, and want to be, and try to be a part of the solution, but by being a man in a violently patriarchal system, I not only am unfairly privileged, my existence is used by the patriarchy to reinforce their numbers. Every time my actions towards any woman or all women are less than perfect, I reinforce the patriarchy, and I fear that my imperfections reinforce the patriarchy more than my efforts to behave morally undermine it, even if it may be true that most of the time I behave morally, because in the present situation a little bit of patriarchal reinforcement goes farther than a lot of undermining. I know and admit that what I've already done isn't good enough. I am at fault. I have done wrong. I know that I will fall short sometimes in the future, and that it isn't good enough. No excuses. I am at fault.
Thank-you. It is always hard to share more of the pie, as we are seeing evidenced in full force these days. The hatred and bitterness toward those that want to share is open and palpable. It is growing through encouragement by a despot, but it is always good to read this honest piece. Sharing is always better.
2
I completely agree with this. As a man I have not sexually assaulted anyone but I think I have come close and in the past and done some questionable things. As I reflect on my behavior over the past 70 years one of the things I see is that there are no barriers put in the way of men. We are entitled to all the sex we can get and are duty bound to pursue it. It is up to women to stop us. The message is very supported.strong and culturally. Men are not taught or told that women are people with their own set of rights and that we must consider that in our relationships with them.
We need to teach boys the lessons of this article from an early age.
271
@rkh I am a 68 year old women, and I must say younger men are less of a problem -- and my 60 year old roommate is wonderful. Still handsome and athletic, he was always successful with women, two sisters and loved his parents. He is very respectful, does the dishes, folds the clothes etc . My biggest problem with entitlement is men who feel cheated, that women don't respect THEM enough. They are angry and feel they did not get what they deserved. The ex-nerds are the worst.
3
@rkh Or teach women that men behave this way. Why is it assumed the male proclivity is less real or culturally valuable. If you are at war, do you want soldiers who only pass out flowers and want to hold hands?
We have equal protection under the law; just enforce it; but don't make men have to be women in order to be considered "good" in your opinion.
2
@rkh: & as my father did me, teach me to fight back when we are touched by anyone we do not wish to be touched by. Knees or feet in groins for instance. Most of my girlfriends were taught to NEVER injure anyone, but, especially males. My girlfriends thought of that as ‘don’t hurt him to stop him, he’ll hurt me, just accept it & say nothing to anyone’. When young a boy in the neighborhood took my arm without permission & twisted the skin & flesh. Only reason was to cause pain. I kicked him, hard. I knew my hands were too small to hurt him as he did me. My friends told me it was wrong to hurt anyone for any reason, including being killed. ‘We are better than them’. Bull. If I don’t take care of me, who will? This is what I tell girls. This is what I tell parents. I always suggest martial arts training. All I say is killing them should be a last resort, but, don’t wait to be hurt, being backed over a desk because a boy in my kindergarten class loved to pat my blond hair in one case. I slugged him & thereby flunked resting. When my mother suggested one of us be moved so he couldn’t attempt to ‘pat’ me, she was totally flabbergasted, ‘why’? So, women must be proactive in using common sense. A 5 year old should not have to protect herself. That the boy was mentally deficient, & never left kindergarten is no reason to allow him to do whatever he wished.
2
When I was in my early teens I arranged to meet a friend at his house and was told the housekeeper was there and would let me in to wait for the return of my friend and his family.
The housekeeper let me in, stopped her work, engaged me in conversation and came over to sit close to me on the couch. She then put her arms around me and attempted to kiss me. I pushed her away and went into another room; she resumed her work.
When my friend and his family returned the housekeeper rushed to greet them and said I looked so much like her nephew in Poland that she couldn't resist giving me a hug. My friend's mother accepted the housekeeper's statement but looked skeptical. I chose not to tell the details to my friend or his family because no real harm had been done (well, I was definitely grossed out), and I did not want the housekeeper to be fired.
The housekeeper clearly had an established M.O. and a prepared alibi.
Men are not the only predators.
8
@Ro
Obviously this incident made a big impression on you. If you’re sharing this to point out and emphasize with what women go through EVERY DAY, then thank you. If, however. you’re trying to take the focus off a very real and pervasive problem for women, then you are part of the problem.
4
@Heartlander Please re-read my original comments, which point out that males may be sexually harassed by women (though I am sure it is most often men harassing women).
I believe that having been harassed made me more empathetic toward women who have had that experience.
Fifty years after consciousness raising and second wave feminism, we still live in a society with repressive gender roles that hurt us all. I raised my son in the 80s. I taught him to respect others by respecting him as a little person and encouraging him to be in touch with his emotions. He always had girls as close friends. Despite what I was told to expect as "normal," he and his best male friend never went through a period of isolating themselves from girls in adolescence. In fact, it was during adolescence that they developed their most enduring friendships with girls and boys.
Paradoxically, the thing that started to threaten the cameraderie of their group of friends is when the girls started to develop what could be called toxic femininity when they hit age thirteen. By this I mean gossip and exclusionary behavior. The boys were genuinely mystified by their friends suddenly becoming nasty and gossipy to one another and trying to draw the boys in to the drama. It was an eye opener.
As a woman who is older now, I think the one thing I'd suggest to younger mothers is to avoid the trap of stereotypical female competitive behavior and address it early with your daughters. Encourage an atmosphere of supporting your sisters and shunning drama. Rather than thinking in terms of attacking toxic male stereotypes - consider the issue in terms of mutual evolution. We all need to evolve our way out of the patriarchy, not just the men. The path to evolution is a two way street.
11
Thank you for this. It is good to have this recognized and explained from a man's point of view. Perhaps men will listen to your insights where they have ignored or ridiculed women's explanations - again a patriarchal problem. I have reached a point in my life where I am able to point out where sexism and misogyny occur in speech and attitudes. The usual response from men is "I'm not THAT guy, OK?" Women are better judges of who is THAT guy, and casual sexist comments and "jokes" reveal a man's inner monologue and most deeply held convictions. No, most of those "not THAT guys" won't rape or hit, but why are only those most extreme acts of sexual violence the litmus test? For most women it is the constant chipping away of our selves by men who insist on talking over us, speaking for us, instructing us as though we were children, making relentless comments directly or indirectly to remind us that our primary duty is to be desirable and noting where we rank, or used to rank, on the desirability scale.
191
@jlc insist on talking over us, speaking for us, instructing us as though we were children, making relentless comments directly or indirectly to remind us that our primary duty is to be desirable and noting where we rank, or used to rank, on the desirability scale.
Brillinatly described. Thank you.
6
@jlc
While I don't discount your experience, this has certainly not been mine. I don't feel like the core of myself is "chipped away at" or that I am constantly fighting to be heard. I also don't like the implication that I am a victim and should be wary or concerned about how I will be treated by men. In fact, I resent it.
How many years will it be until children growing up do not associate the word “violence” with individuals physically harming another person? The term has been ruled entirely meaningless, so much so that the Me Too movement has allowed actual victims of rape to have to suffer the indignity of having their experience compared to misplaced comments directed at women. It’s not the same. Violence is violence. Words are not violence. Microaggressions are not violence. When everything is violence, nothing is violence. The Left believes in objective truth? Hard to find the evidence of that in the rhetoric coming from the intersectional wing.
13
Speak only for yourself, sir. I am a 61-year-old female. You do not speak for my husband, my father, my son, my brothers, my uncles, my cousins, so many of the fine men with whom I’ve worked over the decades, or my neighbors. Have there been a few bums over the years? Sure. And I’ve known a few females who were bums as well. Were there events that weren’t their finest hour? Sure. Welcome to “trying to figure out life.” I have been raised, befriended, mentored, helped and loved by men. I am grateful for them as I am grateful for the many women who have touched my life. Stop demonizing all men.
41
Thank you
3
This is ridiculous. I’m not sexist. Don’t you dare tell me what I am
9
Prof. Yancy makes a great argument for inexpensive online education. Why pay $50,000 or $75,000 per year to be around sexists, even ones who are sincerely trying to reform?
5
Speak for yourself professor. Whatever weird guilt you're dealing with doesn't involve me.
Plus, you're a little late in the game. This bandwagon left a couple years ago, even if the Times didn't get the memo.
17
Finally!
1
I have a mixed reaction. Clearly it's healthy that men reckon with their participation in the range of ways women are mistreated, dehumanized, and disbelieved. On the other hand, I don't think I want professor Yancy to be my model. Until we can do this without being mired in judgement and shame, I think it's more likely that a kind of purity-seeking and purity-proving mentality will be what this kind of article fosters.
96
@Joshua Green
The examples Prof Yancy uses ARE shameful, at least I view them experienced as such by the girls in those remembrances from long ago. But when he asserts "I speak not for you but with you" he advocates anything but, to use your phrase, "judgement and shame." A pity you cannot recognize this.
This is a welcome, thoughtful addition to the #MeToo conversation.
2
@Joshua Green, I think the point of this article is self awareness of the inherent privileges by just being born male, not to mire you in judgment and shame.
I'm a female engineer, and the world I exist in day to day is different from my male counterparts in the unwanted attention that I get that is disruptive to my work day. They can come in, focus and work. I have to be aware of my surroundings and reflexively deflect AND solve complex problems.
No. It's not the majority of men. But its enough to give pause.
2
@Joshua Green Sorry, but tens of thousands of years are behind the judgement and shame. You don't just get a clean slate. You have to clean it yourself.
1
On the guilt of my white male forefathers, I promise to avoid all eye contact with others in my unemployed, castrated future.
16
@Pete Sounds like a win-win for all of us.
2
When we begin talking about masculinity because we are worried about our boys as well as our girls, then this rather religious-sounding message might actually make it past the congregation.
2
Being against objectifying women is not “religious.” Quite the opposite.
1
I've considered myself a feminist, or pro-feminism, for a long time and having two daughters cemented this in place.
Yet this piece is over-the-top and off-putting. I don't disagree with it especially, but it's overwrought. Nothing in life is so black and white. There are a million different reasons why people behave the way they do, but there's no room for nuance in this piece: We men are simply AWFUL.
Despite a brief nod to 'not all men do horrendous things' the piece has the overall tone that we're ALL guilty, basically terrible, and we all need to wear sackcloth and beat ourselves with nettles.
If I feel that way as a progressive, you know that the men who really need to read this won't get past the first paragraph!
Professor Yancy unfortunately seems like the living embodiment of the republican caricature of a liberal academic, telling us all how we should behave because he *knows better.*
Geeze I hate it when stereotypes sometimes hit the mark.
23
Enlightening.
I am sexist. And so are you. I am a man. I do not think and react to the world in the same way as most women. I do not have any maternal instinct and so do not have an innate desire to care for infants and young children as many women do. I am attracted to some women and when I see a women I find attractive I take notice, and I frequently take a second look. It is not something I have to think about, it just happens. I like to play and write music. I like to cook. I like to keep my home clean and in good repair. I like to work on old cars. I like to build things. I like to read (mostly fiction). I like to spend time with women talking about books, politics, food, etc., sharing a bottle of wine, eating a nice meal, and enjoying those things that can only happen between a man and a woman. It's supposed to be that way and that's good. I hate to shop. I watch very little television. I don't have cable. I love some women and treat those I do with respect, and I require the women in my life to do the same for me. I am a man and I feel no need to apologize for that. I don't aspire to be more like a woman. I am a man and I tend to behave like one. If women want me to be more like a woman that's not my problem.
12
@Gary It's striking how many men who've commented do so only from their very personal point of view. And how ultra snowflake sensitive y'all are. Yancy told his personal story to reveal a deeper understanding about the very air we breathe...which is patriarchal and misogynistic. Gary, you sound like a great guy. Truly. But it's bigger than you and me. The systemic pummeling that women endure is something we're all born into. And it would help a great deal if men would start to see it less personally.
1
You've pinned a very bright badge on yourself; you’re part of the problem.
11
When teenage boys are compelled to look at a female, yet do nothing in any way to demean or otherwise act upon a sense of attraction, can we call this sexist?
To me, sexism and biological urges are unrelated. Nature compels us to attraction. This is not a learned or otherwise mentally self-serving posture or bias.
What happened in the Kavanaugh – Ford matter was an emotionally charged man defending himself against serious allegations on a national stage. His posture and demeanor, at least to me, implied nothing about sexist bias.
But to the issue of men-in-general needing to ‘fess up’, and in the author’s dismissal of ‘innocence’, I’m struggling to find common ground.
I understand the author’s anecdotal recitation of his personal experience with his wife taking his name is meant as much a metaphor for sexism as for this circumstance itself to illustrate this point. But many of us find this naming convention to be ridiculous. I do. I did not want my wife to take my name 40 years ago, she choose to do so. I strongly encouraged my daughter to keep her name, and she did.
I was, and am, unapologetically attracted to my wife, but that does not damage her nor should it be a cause to vilify me or men-in-general. Most humans, regardless of sexual orientation, experience biological urges which are borne of nature and have nothing to do with being sexist.
Men in our society have many things for which to apologize to women, but not for the simply birth event of being a man.
4
Hear! Hear! About time.
- white male fed up with white males...
There are so many who cannot bring themselves to admit that they consciously and unconsciously participate in, benefit from and reinforce the vicious cultural values of sex, gender, race and status without raping or lynching anyone. Women do it to other women, men do it to other men, and certainly I as a white woman am just as guilty of it in myriad ways. My job as a citizen is to improve myself and my community by openly discussing these issues and treating others with the respect they deserve, and insisting that our laws and our culture make consistent steps toward equity for all.
3
Well, I guess, Yancy's op-ed is a start. And for that I can be grateful. But the fact that we are still only talking about the most egregious acts against women -- physical violence -- reflects how much farther we have to go. Sexual misconduct is the low-hanging fruit, easy to name, because it's well, salacious. It makes the headlines because it's a good story. I will feel that we've made some progress when we can talk about the actual air we breathe, the water we swim in which is the daily pounding women endure and absorb by being talked over, interrupted, dismissed, devalued. People like to call it subtle but it's not subtle at all. It's just shamefully 'normal.'
3
I’m not sure why the professor ignores the culpability of religion in poisoning the minds of both men AND women. Millions of women voted for the misogynist Trump. Humankind is brainwashed from birth with role models that do incredible damage to both sexes. Instead of perpetuating the men vs women media battle perhaps we should all take a good look at ourselves and honestly try to understand our own behaviors and how we may be contributing to the problems discussed here. We really can learn to treat everyone with dignity and respect while standing our ground when being disrespected. May not make you lots of friends, but it is very liberating.
1
"Soul murder" ... Do you want to know what actually kills souls? Stifling of their ability to express themselves, including in the inherent, wild, exquisite dance that is constantly playing out between male and female energy.
This article, like so much of what has come out of the Me Too movement, confuses the energy of violence (which is what is at work in rapes and other forms of sexual assault, as well as stalking, and of course women are more than capable of all of these) with the natural play and attraction between male and female energies, energies that are simply two halves of the exact same hole and whose natures a are ingrained in the very fabric of the universe itself.
There is a new narrative being written, one that recasts every male as a predator, every female as a victim, and any expression of these natural energies as at best disrespectful and at worst criminal, and yet the narrative can't change what's true. They dynamics between male and female energy will always be the same - the only thing that can change is to what extent we clamp down on any expression of that energy while in our physical bodies, to what extent we build up shame around these most natural, healthy tendencies.
I'm all for hauling out into the light those who commit acts of violence and doing our best to eliminate what actually contributes to them. But we are frighteningly off base right now, and risk robbing ourselves of one of the richest and most enjoyable experiences of being human.
20
Thanks for a great thought Kristen.
I think we've already robbed ourselves of the fun and beauty of being mothers. It's been reduced to a laundry list of tasks to be accomplished so we can get back to our "real" paid work and careers. Breast feeding, which can be a profound experience of love and energy exchange has been reduced to a product. Instead of interacting with our babies we're stuck in a cubicle, stressed out because we need to have our milk extracted by a pump like a cow.
4
It isn't just that we've devalued the tender instincts of early motherhood, it's that people are so busy that they are missing the best parts of parenting - the profound conversations that seem to take place at the oddest moments; the lying on a blanket late at night watching stars falling; everyday tenderness; silly kid jokes; slow walks and letting your toddler show you the world as he sees it all for the very first time. We're all so busy and terrified (with good reason) that taking the time to be mommy will set us back financially that we are missing the joys of being a parent. We don't need to bear and raise little farm hands anymore so joy is really the only reason to bring new children in to an overpopulated world.
I think a great deal of the anger at men and the patriarchy comes from the fact that women and men are trying to live good lives in what is essentially an insane system based on colossal debt and working impossibly long hours. This is a system much bigger than a patriarchy, and it needs to be replaced with something that serves our humanity. But hey, focusing on manufactured anger about gender, race, religion or party affiliation keeps us divided and takes our focus off a system that benefits only a few, so let's keep at it. Anger is easier than learning to listen and work together to build a world where our humanity is cherished.
1
Professor Yancey didn’t mention a prime historical driver of patriarchy and sexism – religion. Traditional religions give men the God-given right to be sexist. The world’s major religions like Judaism, Islam, and Catholicism enforce strict gender roles particularly in their orthodox manifestations. Jewish and Muslim women cannot worship with men and are subservient to men in their daily lives. Catholic women cannot be priests; the church is a boy’s club with a strict male hierarchy in control. One of the justices on Donald Trump’s short list of Supreme Court nominees, Amy Comey Barrett, belongs to the Catholic organization People of Praise, in which she took a pledge to be subservient to her husband.
When young males are indoctrinated with fundamental religious principles that view women as created from “Adam’s rib,” they are de facto given permission to embrace male privilege. Women’s status in religion’s Great Chain of Being is below that of men. They are handmaidens. Even in non-orthodox/fundamentalist forms of religion, the secondary role of women bubbles right beneath the surface.
If we are going to combat sexism, we are going to have to tear down religion’s sexist foundation.
5
This is like "white privilege", another idiotic crusade in which we folks who have this "privilege" are invited to step up and confess. It's like the circles of debasement in the Cultural Revolution. Except I am not participating. I look at women's butts, thank you, and that is my business. When I move from looking to grabbing, it becomes the business of the woman. I am not confessing to thought-crime, and I am not playing nice with this further stupidity of self-abasement.
25
Sexism like racism is part of the human condition like cruelty itself. No one wants to admit how many soul murdering things we commit as a society, as individuals. To recognize our complicity is a step in trying to do better. We can do better. We can become more aware of who we are: humans who have the ability to evolve. We can respect each other and our world. Trying to do the right thing in the face of failure goes back the Greek idea of a hero, Sophocles knew that the gods win, but the hero acts anyway.
2
So "looking at a girl's butt" is now "collective devaluation"?
The NYT Opinion section is now rife with unintended humor.
20
This is just the kind of embarrassing public confession that makes liberalism of a certain kind odious not only to "conservatives" but also to many liberals.
Sorry, Mr. Yancy, that you have spent your life objectifying women; however, please don't ascribe your retrograde views to all men. One would think that a philosopher would know better.
Plenty of men go through life loving and respecting their mothers, wives, girlfriends, and daughters. For that matter plenty of men and women go through life simply being decent because they were brought up that way. I know plenty of such people; I am betting that you do too.
If "everyone" does it--objectifies women, stereotypes minorities, harbors hatred in his heart for whatever group he is not a part of, what hope can there be of a remedy?
21
I’ve met toxic men, but I didn’t marry one, And we worked hard not to raise one.
Personally, I don’t care what men think or feel about women. Some of its biology and much is cultural. As long as they behave appropriately, we’re good.
3
I have never hit a woman nor have I advocated for it. Instead, I have advocated against it. Therefore, I am not responsible for any violence against women. Period.
For a variety of reasons, I suspect that I may also have ill-conceived and highly negative ideas and feelings about Christians, white southerners, Republicans, Germans, Russians, Yankee fans, radio talk show callers, deconstructionists, and people who give TED talks. But so what?
To think that my ideas and utterances actually cause crimes is, well, kind of goofy. It's the goofiness of identity politics where the mere thoughts of members of "oppressor" groups cause crimes.
4
These comments are gold and all the evidence you need of the fragility of the men who have been snuggled in the warm arms of patriarchal safety. I’ve no doubt you each speak out daily for the large and small inequalities you’re clearly nuanced enough to perceive.
5
Mr. Yancy firmly embraces the "I am an oppressor" orthodoxy which is demanded of white men by far left identity politics. Of course, there's a lot of truth which underlies this mindset. But it prefers to embrace convenient and reductive narratives then delve into the difficult task of examining the complex issues of gender in our modern society. Consistent with far-left doctrines, Mr. Yancy believes the only hope for women is the micro-management of male psychology through self-reflection and "admit[ting] our roles in the larger problem of male violence against women." On this part, Mr. Yancy goes so far as to state that "all men" engage in "patriarchal thinking, which condones rape even though they may never enact it." While I firmly believe that much progress is still needed to improve life for women (whether at work, in college or in domestic relationships) such change will not come by ignoring reality and embracing ideology.
7
It’s good that people of all genders become introspective. But I would say to the writer he may have gone a little too deep into his own mind which is simpler than the mind of all of us.
We are who we are because of everything and everyone. When women say “I want a man to make me feel safe, desired, cared for, etc.” they also play a role in shaping masculinity. It’s not just Professor Yancy’s male examples that shaped his masculinity. If he thinks honestly enough he will identify females that played a part too, for better or worse.
Right about now there are folks reading this that have shut down. Some will conclude I am making apologies and/or rationalizing bad masculine behavior. Neither is true. I am making the point that all of us have lots of introspection to do in regards to how we deal with and manipulate each other to get what we want. Getting what we want always leads to getting what we don’t wan as well.
When a woman says she wants to feel protected she plays a role in creating a protector who projects aggression that can turn in any number of ways. When a woman says she wants to be desired she creates one who “likes to look at her butt” and maybe other butts too.
Human behavior isn’t such a simple thing as mea culpa as much as we wish it were.
5
Brilliant. Some of my favorite philosophers. Their work still hard for many to understand. Dear man, you may yet be misunderstood for years to come but know some of us do understand. We see your soul and it’s struggle. We share in that. We wish you all the kindness of the wide world.
Thank you, George. I have known and admired your selfless work with white people, opening them up to the excoriating experience of being Black in our country, so that they can understand and (maybe) change.
We don't have to feel guilty and self-hating about our racism and our sexism. These are diseases that hurt us all. Even African-Americans and even women reflect them, with self distrust and sometimes distrust or hostility to those who are like ourselves.
Becoming aware is all we can do. It helps to remember that privilege hurts the privileged most of all. Look what it's done to so many men. It closes so many avenues to growth, to understanding, and to real happiness. Being willing to learn is all that is needed, and being willing to listen to experiences that we have been spared.
96
@Ann Michelini If being privileged hurts the privileged most of all (you gave no evidence that men suffer anything other than the violence of other men and other mobs who try to limit their liberty), then there's no privilege and instead men deserve more to compensate them for their suffering.?!?!
1
@Ann Michelini
I guess I don’t understand what’s wrong with feeling a little guilty and self hating? As a white woman i am guilty of benefiting from a racist and sexist system, unknowingly and sometimes knowingly. Part of working to change that means a little guilt and self hatred that might lead to some self examination, as long as it’s not self indulgent flaggelation. It’s part of taking responsibility for future actions. It doesn’t make me a bad person, just a real one.
1
While the Comments here all seem celebratory and congratulatory, I have to confess I'm out of step. The last few years have left me feeling hated. I am a white man. According to this op-ed, my manhood makes me guilty of sexism and misogyny, original sins conferred by my Y chromosome. I am also held responsible for the supposed "patriarchy" (where women are Senators, Congresspersons, Supreme Court Judges, Doctors, Scientists, billionaires, newspaper columnists, and everything else until we have a woman President, which will be soon). And the fact that my skin lacks pigment makes me also guilty of "White Privilege" which means anything I might achieve is only because I'm white, and therefore don't have to work hard or ever struggle (wrong). With all these congenital stains on my character, I regret there is no social baptism to remove them. I apologize for existing.
16
What many commentators who declare themselves not sexist are missing is that the entire structure of our society is patriarchal. That means if you are a man, even if you don't outwardly engage in sexist behaviors, or if you fold the laundry (WOW TRUE FEMINIST HERO), you still benefit from our patriarchal culture. In the same way I benefit from racism as a white woman. When confronted with my own internal racism, I am horrified and disgusted with myself and work to do address my own racism, not to dismiss racism entirely because I think of myself as an educated open-minded person who believes in a multicultural society. Do some basic reading on privilege and understand your role in it, however passive.
4
George, that game of 'Catch A Girl, Get A Girl' reminds me of something that the younger generation won't know about: Sadie Hawkins Day. Remember that? And who was running and who was chasing then? Yes, such games DO go both ways.
1
A plus for missing the point: if girls on Sadie Hawkins day had ground up against boys genitalia after “catching” them, I missed that part of the history books.
3
@Brian
Maybe so, but this is a false equivalence. Sadie Hawkins Day is once a year. We never had that tradition at all where I grew up, but “catch a girl, get a girl” was a regular thing.
2
@Brian Meadows
The existence of Sadie Hawkins day is a perfect example of the adage "the exception proves the rule."
Better luck next time.
2
Thoughtful essay.
It is interesting how so much of sexism is a group activity: men must show each other that they are men (looking at girls' behinds, putting notches on their belts to show other males their sexual prowess). It is about the insecure male ego, not even about women. Women are just used as props.
One form of sexism manifested as an abuse of power is the rampant preying upon young girls by grown men.
Think Roy Moore. This is illegal and should be prosecuted more regularly so that men know there will be consequences for their actions.
3
What a pathetic mash-up of liberal pieties. The answer isn't self-emasculation, Yancy, it's responsible masculinity. That will never come from left-wing ideologues who deny such a thing even exists. And yet it does. Every day, in millions of people's lives, good men play their roles. The roles are often overlapping, but not identical to women's. Anyone with common sense see's this, recognizes it and appreciates it. When narrow liberalism takes dead aim at maleness in general, it exacerbates the problem. Articles such as this help produce the neanderthal reaction we now see.
37
Wow. The left has lost its marbles. And you wonder why so many men are voting Republican.
25
@Shay
Please do enlighten us as to the exact logical connection between a man writing an op ed about sexism and examining his own biases, and people voting republican. I want you to explain the reasoning. Thanks.
3
Speak for yourself Yancy, I’ve never raised a hand to a woman and show proper respect.
Perhaps your parents missed that lesson.
15
I am a married woman who never took her husband's name. I have worked in professional environments of engineering and corporate executive suites dominated by men. I have stayed home to be with my kids. I have baked brownies for their school events. My own reactions to what is sexist have changed over time, sometimes in surprisingly directions. I may not agree with Mr. Yancy on everything, but I give him kudos for inviting other men to participate in this conversation. Without both the genders opening up to this dialogue, we will just be shouting at or being indifferent to each other. Let's be secure adults and hear each other out and look within ourselves for hidden biases.
9
Is this the right way to confront our issues with sexism?
Guilt is a powerful tone in this piece, but I wonder if that blinds ourselves to a more insightful understanding of how men and women interact— or should interact. The animal kingdom has been, by our definition, sexist since our origins. Our biology seems to be forgotten in this regard: men and women are different. As we evolve and make important progress toward parity and away from sexism, it’s equally important to understand these gender differences and their genesis.
Broadly indicting the boy who learns from his parents, school, friends and society that keeping his family name is normal is not the same as commenting rape, harassment, or assault. “Boys will be boys” could mean rough housing when I was a kid, but now has been encrypted solely as sexist behavior— so boys cannot be boys anymore? Acknowledging and even apologizing for our past behavior (myself included) is important— but it only works when understanding supplants guilt as the mechanism for change.
Viewing the past through the lens of today is powerful, just as is guilt. But it’s often misplaced. To move forward it seems we should just.... MOVE FORWARD.
4
I must have missed the party. As a very little boy, shy with girls, the only thing that saved me from a life of chastity was being a member of the Love Generation when the girls were the ones taking the initiative. I always thought of women as my friends. Finding sensitive male friends was always more difficult. All the conditioning of men implied in this piece appeared grotesque to me and I never related to the macho side of things (a lot of LSD didn't hurt either) When my ex was unable to have a biological child, we adopted. I insisted on a girl which fortunately was easier. I endeavored to raise her as a strong, independent female who could do anything and as a single parent from her age thirteen onward was able to concentrate on this goal. Now she is in her thirties with kids of her own and we are as close as ever. The sins of this author have always passed me by. I am writing this not out of self-congratulation but simply to point out that being a man and embracing the patriarchy are not synonymous.
17
“Think about its national and international implications as we take responsibility for our sexism, our misogyny, our patriarchy.”
Straight out of the textbook! I actually got halfway through this piece, thinking it was a spoof. By the end, I felt embarrassed for this poor guy. It’s as if he were tied to a chair by campus feminists and told his freedom depended on a full confession crafted from the exquisity and wornout vocabulary of campus feminism.
We live in a time when it would not be a bad thing at all for a lot of men — instead of sitting on their hands and maintaining silent thoughts that, believe me, do not correspond to Prof. Yancy’s —to actually dial up the things that make them different from women: bluster, bravado, dares, the wonderful art of the loving ironic insult, rowdy physicality, yes and even an ironic sense of machismo, etc etc. None of these implies any disrespect to a woman. Thank goodness, being a man can still be a wonderful thing in the 21st century and it would have zero tolerance for disrespecting or harming women in any way. And it would have nothing to do with sexual assault and violence. We certainly don’t need a college professor, wrapped in questionable contrition, to carry a banner for us. There is nothing sadder (and more dangerous) than an emasculated man. Somebody, please send Camille Paglia (who uses a wonderful term: male quislings) over to Emory to talk some sense into this man.
40
In terms of nurturing, friendship, character and role-modeling, women are the most important people in men’s lives. This is why I have never understood why they can condone, much less support, enable and champion the kind of sexist and mysoginistic behavior repeatedly exhibited by the groper-in-chief. From his feeble justifications for sexually assaulting women and mocking victims thereof to his creepy comments about dating his own daughter and the size of his “digit,” where is the care, love and, as Aretha Franklin would say, R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the women in our lives who make the world a more blessed place than it would otherwise be, and without whom we would not even exist? If you have a grandmother, mother, wife, daughter, niece, granddaughter or girlfriend how, on this planet or any other, can you tolerate and countenance such boorish disdain for the people who enhance, enlighten and brighten your every breath?
5
I don't share the the author's shortcomings, and his hashtagged attempt to force-fit me into his private mea culpa is annoying. I prefer the hashtag #Iamnotsexist. Now go out and prove it with your actions, by hiring women, empowering women, and respecting women. We can't pretend we haven't been programmed by societal norms of the past, but there should be no points awarded for crying in the confessional.
8
“Why do we have to claim we are sexists?” “What am I suppose to say that I am a civil respectful male? What are you gay?” This article is a disaster. The term “sexist” is so loaded in our current culture that it is irresponsible to use it to assign collective guilt upon us all. So the choices appear to be that I am either a sexist or a Kananaughist. Where does that leave the shy kid who was so nervous before his first kiss that he was more concerned with controlling his other bodily functions not his libido.
5
Your honesty is appreciated.
Oh, please! First of all, speak for yourself. "I recognize my silence as an act of violence." Only if YOU know it is an act of violence, on your part. Don't attribute such implied violence to others.
There are many responsible, reasonable, and respectful ways for enlightened men to respond -- in their own lives (what we do legally and politically is another matter) -- to the extreme sexism and to the discrimination against and abuse of women in our society.
Each such enlightened man has to reflect on the best response, for him. If we lead reflected lives, then each of us will recognize some degree of sexism in ourselves, men and women alike (since we are different, after all), and should find ways to diminish it. Eliminating it entirely is not possible. And beating our breasts, as suggested by this professor of philosophy, won't help. In fact, I suspect it's just another form of narcissism.
Self-reflection (along with whatever appropriate concomitant changes in behavior) is one watchword. The other is probity. If we can approach, perhaps even achieve that, then we will be decent human beings who treat each other as such.
9
@pb Very, very well said! I also don't agree with the author's premise and he doesn't speak for me either. I fully agree with your comments. There is a need for honest personal reflection and action on the part of both men and women and there is a need for education on sexual edicate for today. I've never abused a woman but I did get the courage to make the "first move" a few times when the signs were right and happily I "read her right" and it was reciprocal. But now I see I was taking a chance. In todays world it is taking a BIG chance. It's very risky and it could go badly wrong. If I were in the dating scene I wouldn't really know how I would approach a woman today. I advise my son to be very careful with women, let them make any "moves" and of course, "No" means "NO"! I think we need new "dancing lessons" for sexual behavior and relationships.
Male Original Sin? C'mon, man! If you want to make the case for that, you have to also accept the case that women are equally qualified, in roughly equal numbers, for your #IAmSexist label.
12
I read this hoping that it was some sort of satire I didn't understand. I am a liberal, but I guess you can't be a virtuous liberal without self-deprecation (loathing?). Perhaps we should start hashtags for all of our wrongs. #IAmSexist. #IAmRacist. #IGentrify. #IAmTryingtoUnderstandDiscussionsAboutGenderbutamnotthereyet. #IPlundertheEnvironment. #ICondoneAnimalCruelty. #MyGreatGrandfatherwasaButcher. #ISpankedMyKidsAFewTimes. #IHaveBulliedOnceorTwice. #MyWealthisBasedontheWorkandSufferingofOthers. Then we will have a lot of hashtags upon which we can throw ourselves. We would be visionaries and martyrs all at the press of a button.
I'm a white male, which surely you know by now. I am 51.
Congratulations, Dr. Yancy, in achieving your level of enlightenment, and the entitlement to assert I am a liar. I'm sure it took a tremendous amount of self reflection. As for me, I am doing the best I can with what I have. I try to treat everyone respectfully as I go, and improve myself as I learn. I'm not going to undermine that process by branding or punishing myself with pejorative terms, especially when they can be so broadly interpreted.
Call me a liar. Call me a denier & a coward. Call me whatever you need to to prove to yourself that you know the best way.
46
*whips self with belt studded with rusty nails*
mea culpa! mea culpa!
20
I am a 71 year old male, and I am not sexist, and never was. I was brought up in a home where women were expected to be as strong as men, and inequality of thought or action was not to be tolerated.
The girls on my block participated equally with the boys in many games, with never a thought that that was unusual.
There was teasing, some of it mean, but we all cared about each other.
It was a great place to live, and a great time to live there (Belle Harbor- 1950’s-1970).
I never insisted that my wife keep her name. I never played games where females were demeaned.
As a teacher I never tolerated abuse or bullying. I worked under several very strong women, all of whom were excellent at their jobs, all subject to vicious attacks, all of whom I defended, because I can’t stand bullying, by anyone, about anything. I learned that from my parents and grandparents.
As a father I let my daughter know, not only that she was loved, but that she could be anything she wanted. I encouraged, but never pushed.
My wife and I never pushed a particular genre of toys on her, but she chose dolls until she turned 12 (I think).
I am not and never was perfect. I did my share of things that I regret to this day.
But, I am not sexist, and will not own to being the villain du jour.
49
@William Feldman, were the men supposed to be as strong as the women in your home or was it just that women were supposed to be as strong as the men as you stated?
Vote democratic if you believe what you wrote
3
In this article George Yancy presents us with an image of what it is to be male in contemporary America. This of course is not the only image out there. Donald Trump also provides us with male imagery almost diametrically opposed to that presented by Mr. Yancy. Both these images are flat, stereotypical and cartoonish. However, if I were forced to choose one of the two, I would choose that offered by Mr. Trump. Keep it up liberals. You’re bringing about your own demise.
25
Of course you would “choose that offered by Mr. Trump.” Keeps you in the power position.
Wow! This is refreshing. I hope some men read this and pay attention.
@Natalie Leavenworth Yes, nothing like some stereotyping to start the day. I wonder what tomorrow’s sterotype will be? Women, blacks, Muslims? Who knows?
2
I can’t be absolutely sure because I’ve lived a while and read many absurdities, but this may be the most absurd proposition I’ve ever read. Obviously, Prof. Yancy is not a traditionalist, or he’d simply suggest that all men walk about with an “S” carved on their foreheads. Of course, an “S” doesn’t NEED to mean “Sexist” – it can mean most anything, including a number of pithy epithets.
We’ve always known that just about every man who ever lived, to one degree or another, was and is pond scum. It’s a state most brush aside as being a natural one while some of us acknowledge it as a curse and spend lifetimes working to assure that it not victimize women. But the thought that ruminating about it obsessively somehow will make us other than what we are smacks of a Twelve-Step group that is “sharing” and seeking mutual support in their efforts to stay clean and sober. On the other hand, it IS beginning to look like just the thing a 21st Century American man might do compulsively.
When I married in 1991, I gave my wife the option of taking my name or keeping her own, making clear that it wasn’t an issue with me. She chose to keep her own. To the best of my memory and honest understanding, I have never “betrayed a woman” since at least late adolescence, and never sexually or violently. So, while I acknowledge that in my desires and fantasies I also am pond scum, you, Prof. Yancy … sound like one attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey.
Hope the Twelve-Step group can help you.
14
Interesting choice of words: ‘you gave your wife the choice’ - which reveals so much more than you realise. I married the year before you and kept my name - without having to seek anyone’s permission.
25
@Richard Luettgen
I am not au fait with american law, but "you gave [your] wife the option of taking your name [...]", I bet she was grateful you were being so generous...
6
You “gave her the option” of keeping her own name. Nope, that’s not sexist at all.
6
I have a mixed reaction to this. On the one hand, owning our biases and how we men have hurt women is healthy, honest, and healing. On the other hand, I get a sense of judgement, turned inward and a remedy that consists of seeking purity. I also wonder, perhaps provocatively: does a man who holds this much shame experience himself as sexy? Does a women every look at such a man as sexy even as they applaud him?
7
@Joshua Green
"Does a women every look at such a man as sexy even as they applaud him? "
I DO!
Can't think of anything less attractive than a man who doesn't see me as a person with a full set of rights.
Introspection is hot. Concern and empathy for other people is hot.
2
@Joshua Green
Yes. An intelligent, introspective man who's capable of honestly examining of his own beliefs and behaviours is very sexy indeed.
2
"I speak not for you but with you. In my view, and in the view of many others, Kavanaugh failed himself, and you. And we have all played our part in that failure. I don’t want to fail women anymore."
No, you don't speak "with" women in an essay like this. Your very next sentences show that you speak "about" women. You simply pontificate, woke-style, and call that speaking with us? Whether you mean "in dialogue with" or "alongside," your own cultural soul-murder premise denies your capability to truly do so.
Accept the gulf between experiences, Prof. Yancy, and humble yourself to speak fallibly and incompletely "about" us - which is all you can do - as honestly you are able to.
Your next and concluding paragraph:
"Since the world is watching, we, as men,...need to tell the truth about ourselves." Yes, and that much is plenty for you, as men, to tackle for now.
Until you can handle speaking "about" yourselves clearly and insightfully, Professor, you would do well to use your prepositions regarding women advisedly.
2
Speak for yourself, Mr. Yancy. It seems to me like a very Puritan style confession of sinfulness, which, I suppose, is still a very American thing. If it helps you change, more power to you, I don't think ut's a useful model generally. I never expected my wife to take my name, our kids have one last name each. We both wash, cook, and clean (I do the ironing) and work full-time. It's not a big deal, really. Like every human I'm far from conforming to some abstract ideal of perfection, but those imperfections, while they may be gendered in some way due to the society I grew up in, cannot be reduced to my maleness. And I steadfastly refuse to take responsibility for other mens' behavior, though I will call that out, if I find it problematic.
36
Thank you for this, Professor Yancy. I'm sharing this with the men I know, including my husband. I hope this helps educate men.
3
@Bronwyn
Sorry but browbeating makes for a poor education.
1
Professor Yancey represents a side of the human species that by careful observation of society and self-evaluation is able to rise beyond the demands of DNA. The human genome is crammed with ancient evolutionary prompts that have allowed our human and pre-human ancestors to survive. As a species, however, we are capable of modifying and canceling the effects of our genetic heritage through conscious thought. But it takes education and training to do so—hence our long childhood. Unfortunately, most people do not receive the emotional and cognitive training or opportunity to control their atavistic selves.
While I applaud the work that Yancey has done to educate and modify his baser “instincts,” I fear that he represents only the tiniest fraction of humanity. In essence, he is an elite, in the best sense of the word, a person with the intelligence and, yes, privilege to seek the highest, even at the cost to his ego. Fear and greed offer too much distraction for most people to “think straight.”
3
Despite the good intentions of the author, his message is buried in his academic social justice warrior jargon.
When is the Left going to realize that it’s condescending language of moral superiority doesn’t win new supporters?
It’s long past time for progressives to stop speaking in language that satisfies their base and starts expressing their points in ways that appeal to 51% of likely voters.
51
So, hide intellectual acumen honed after decades of research, and dumb down one’s speech to address a portion of an electorate that isn’t concerned with learning new things anyway?
1
@Stephen K Nothing was buried. Everything is quite upon the surface and rings alarmingly true. he is an enlightenened man. That the 51% dont get it is sad. And typical.
@Stephen K Since when is a column about patriarchy meant to persuade people to vote a certain way? I guess this is your way of announcing your belief that Democrats are decent people and Republicans are turned off by calls that they, too, behave decently. What an astonishing admission.
Yancy writes in the last paragraph:
"...we, as men, need to join in the dialogue in ways that we have failed to in the past."
Well, that's in order. We should indeed take part in a dialogue about male/female relationships. And we should say something new. As the women involved should, too.
He goes on to conclude the article:
"We need to admit our roles in the larger problem of male violence against women.
Aha! It's one of those "dialogues". About me. And we're going to talk about my being somewhere between insensitive and a monster, and what to do about it.
Sorry, I don't participate in discussions where we assume the outcome at the beginning.
How about instead we consider how our relationship is fouled up, how it might be my fault, or her fault, or our joint fault?
Maybe we'll find out that I'm a crud, and that's it, as Yancy would stipulate as a precondition.
Or, surprisingly, maybe we'll discover a different dynamic.
Something new, as he seeks.
ps: the factoid that one in five women is raped at some point in her life is wildly misleading information that comes from a survey where e.g. one of the definitions of sexual assault is "sexual coercion.”
This includes suggesting sexual activity more than once, and expressing unhappiness at being turned down.
I guess this includes:
"We seem on the way to being lovers. Let's."
"I'm still nervous and hesitant, like last week..."
"Rats."
Don't blink. This woman has just been sexually assaulted.
10
Rape, once defined as penetration by force, has been sensibly expanded to penetration when the woman cannot consent. Unfortunately, zealots have sought to further redefine rape as silent nonconsent or even without penetration.
So, when I read Prof. Yancy’s one in three stat, I’m not sure what it really means.
8
Excellent point. I personally define rape as forced sexual activity, with or without penetration. By forced I mean compelled by the use of a weapon, or threat of physical harm if you refuse. I also include exposing, masturbating on, or penetrating the body of an unconscious or enebriated person by a sober person.
I do not believe it's rape when two drunk or stoned people engage in sex and one of them regrets it later.
1
How can men “speak out” without sounding like “pansies,” which even other men will label them? They can admit that they know exactly what Brett Kavanaugh did because at one time or another they acted as boorishly or stood by like Mark Judge while a friend acted as boorishly as Kavanaugh.
I’m not a fan of Bill Maher, but he seems to understand exactly what Kavanaugh and Judge were doing. It was more “prank” than “criminal,” though the fine line is often lost on the victim of the act. Maher knows because he’s been there, done that in one form or another.
Kavanaugh, though, compounded his prank and lied to the F.B.I. and the U.S. Senate. Most Americans would be facing time behind bars and not on the Supreme Court for such deception. Even Sen. Flake now acknowledges he didn’t believe Kavanaugh.
Flake knows because, like most men, he or someone he knows acted as boorishly.
1
@Tell the Truth - how is holding down a young woman, trying to pull off her clothes, and covering her mouth a prank? At the least, it was an assault and battery. Bill Maher knows zip when it comes to the subject of rape.
2
I believe he’s asking for a parade.
13
Noooo! It is articles like this that lend credibility to rightists’ claims that the left has gone screwball and wants to condemn normal people. This article will persuade no-one who is not a true believer and will rile most of those who are not. There are many males who are feminists who are not guilty of these crimes discussed. If every male has to confess their sins (and if you have no real ones, please use your imagination) or the denial of sins is taken as evidence of an unwillingness to accept responsibility.......... Well, we have seen this movie before, I think.
59
Thank you, Dr. Yancy. It means a lot for a man have insight into and speak sincerely and openly about his own sexism. It lifts a burden from me. I also know that when you have written about what it's like to be the target of racism you have been met with the vilest of hate mail. I want to take this opportunity to say that as a white person I have failed you and continue to fail you. In that way, I am racist. In the same way that patriarchal masculinity is soul murdering, white supremacy is as well. These hierarchies of power are at the root of so many of our problems. Thank you for calling on men to own up to their sexism. I'm calling on white people to own up to our racism.
6
I honestly wish people would realize how much gibberish like this from the left helped Trump win in 2016. This constant assault on people who’ve done nothing wrong, simply for who they are. I’m a white male. I’m NOT sexist. I’ve worked for women practically my entire career. It’s never even for one second occurred to me that they are where they are for any reason other than competence. I’m also not racist. I’m also not elitist.
I’m a lifelong Democrat, and all I’ve ever done is work hard and do the right thing. And for the last 3 years all I’ve heard from the left is what an awful person I am. You can’t judge people based on their race, gender, sex, sexuality, skin color, etc. But you CAN judge me. Because I’m a straight white male. And it’s open season on us.
So to the author: you may be a sexist. But I most certainly am not.
90
@Mike I'm with you all the way. I think it helps to understand the "theory" behind much of the current thinking (as in this article). In this clever theory no individual man is innocent because there's this thing called patriarchy that is a societal "structure" (important word)so much of this sexism is invisible and any male alive automatically benefits from it, whatever his experience.
Finally, to object to this "theory" is a tell-tale sign of "privilege" granted invisibly by said patriarchy, so any counter argument, however cogent, is just a sign of greater guilt. Tidy, no?
Just for kicks count how often the word patriarchy pops up in the comment bank.
5
I get frustrated with the idea that “the left” is judging white males undeservedly and creating an overly PC culture. What is happening is that actual women, people of color, LGBTQI&A individuals are talking about their real life experiences and asking to be taken seriously.
5
@Mike "constant assault", "open season", calling you an "awful person"? Strong words. No, the left isn't saying that, nor are such sentiments present in this thoughtful article by any stretch of the imagination. What you are doing is setting up straw man arguments to assuage your own anxieties and justify your anger. Did resentful people scared of losing their status help elect Trump? Sure -- and its exactly the kind of thinking you are engaging in here. And if you join them in their misdirected rage because you would rather avoid uncomfortable facts about American society -- that will be on you, not anyone else.
2
I refuse to join in a mass movement that erases me as a human being.
I didn’t participate in any of Professor Yancy’s childhood games using girls.
I, like at least 1 in 6 American men and boys, was sexually assaulted. My serial rapist was a woman. (Rape is what it is called when a woman sticks objects up a young boy’s behind.) She also poured hot sauce down my throat and kicked me until I had broken ribs. It went on for years. Nobody stopped her or believed me.
Nowhere does Professor Yancy describe my experience or that of 30 million other American men and boys who have been sexually assaulted. #MeToo deliberately excludes us.
I paid for my spouse’s higher education. I never asked my spouse to change her name. I cooked and cleaned the house and helped raise kids and worked a paying job to cover the costs the whole time. Then my job was taken away in the Great Recession so women on maternity leave could keep their jobs and paychecks.
And now I am supposed to call myself a Sexist?
No.
50
Thanks for speaking up. I was too abused by a woman and suffered the absolute lack of empathy from alleged defendants of victims.
1
@Frank
"Then my job was taken away in the Great Recession so women on maternity leave could keep their jobs and paychecks.
And now I am supposed to call myself a Sexist?"
Yes, apparently, based on what you wrote above. The fact that you were raped, however tragic, does not change that. What is the relationship to your sexual assault and you losing your job? Nothing.
No one is trying to erase you as a human being. There's no reason to make that logical leap.
" I cooked and cleaned the house and helped raise kids and worked a paying job to cover the costs the whole time."
You don't get brownie points for this. This is how to be an adult in the world 101
2
Yes - let’s all keep our names so our children have none or add hyphens so our grandchildren will have four. What silliness ... Vive la difference!
6
Many years ago, my late 20s, when I cut a far more dashing figure in a suit than I could ever hope to do now at the age of 69, I walked mid-day through Manhattan's Union Square. A group of women began catcalls, aimed at me. Some of the comments were overtly sexual -- and downright lewd. Before I could intellectually process it, my viscera responded with shock and violation. It was diminishing -- completely. From that point on I then had some basic (albeit minimal) sense of how dehumanized women must feel when faceless and nameless men objectify them.
15
Thank you for owning your sexism and speaking up. We need more men to do so.
That said, using #IAmSexist would only encourage cocky sexist men to use that hashtag to say, "Yeah, I am, and whaddya gonna do about it? I'm PROUD of being a REAL MAN." We see this with racism, with some white people thinking that "telling it like it is" a la Donald Trump is such a virtue that they have no obligation to eradicate their racism.
We're all learning. We're all growing. If we're going to use slogans, let's use positive ones that connect us with others who share our aspirations to end racism and sexism--and all other forms of dehumanization.
5
Many good points, but it seems to me the author, bursting bubbles, is in his own.
This kind of talk could be dangerous. It flies over too many men and women. It even alienates with its sanctimony. It could lose an election.
Why couldn't he publish in 3 weeks?
4
Amen! We must educate our boys to recognize sexist behaviors and resist the "Bro" culture that often dominates our educational institutions and media. I would go further in pointing out that demonization, abuse, and violence as methods of dominance and conflict resolution has become normalized in America, including by law enforcement. Vulnerable people live with this as a constant threat.
3
Patriarchy and sexism are systemic as well as individual issues.
All the mea cuplas and in the world won’t change much as long as the capitalist Imperialist System remains intact.
Male supremacy and white supremacy are two of the main ideological props sustaining this system of exploitation and oppression of Humanity.
One “privilege” few if any of those who promote dogmatic identity politics mention is what might be called “Imperialist privilege” that most Americans share. The wealth of the country has been built upon genocide, slavery, and endless wars.
Another point is that those who have “privilege” should use it to end the systemic exploitation and oppression of capitalist imperialism and fight for the emancipation of all of Humanity.
M
72
@Michael Bresnahan: Virtually every country in the world that is a decent place for its ordinary citizens to live is that way at someone else's expense (with the exception of a few small resource rich countries where the leaders are willing to share) . Until we devise an economy that supports a decent lifestyle without exploiting other places, that will continue to be the case. Replacing the current winners with another set will not fix anything.
1
@Michael Bresnahan
Name one society that does not suffer from "imperialist privilege"? All civilizations have conquered and taken from others. It's called survival. We are all animals, after all.
@Michael Bresnahan Your 'male privilege' is not inevitable if you do something about it. Don't be so fatalistic. Just your on yourself and don't worry about the capital imperialist system
I thought with relief that Professor Yancy's boyhood games of pushing and grinding into girls were not part of my growing up. No such games were played at my school.
Then a memory flashed. Eighth grade. My male classmates dared me to forcibly kiss a particular eighth grade girl after school, outside — I remembered the precise intersection.
I took the dare, sneaked up behind the unsuspecting girl, spun her around and pushed my face toward hers. When she immediately burst into tears, I stopped, shocked and ashamed. But I had played the game.
I don't want to relive memories of me at my worst. I want to think more highly of myself. But I want even more to lend a hand to creating a world where no eighth grade girl ever has anything to fear from any boy. It's worth the embarrassment to me.
For God's sake, I have three daughters and six granddaughters.
362
@Victor - What a generous letter yours is! And how honest. Little boys and little girls, and the adults that they become, are on the same team. If only we could remember that.
6
@Victor Thanks for having the courage to "see" this and share it. Yours is a great example of exactly what Yancy was talking about--the little things that were thought to be "boys being boys" or "harmless fun" were not, even back then. Your daughters and granddaughters are very fortunate.
4
@Ellen Thank you for that, Ellen.
This article is a worthy attempt to lean into the sexism problem. Women can raise their voices and make only so some movement forward. One reason is our own inter gender battle with women who tenaciously hold on to the myth and like it. Our need for males to accept the step of actively calling out their own male friends, family and acquaintances on this issue is the best first action to move forward. Many men will only see checking their privilege as a net loss. How sad. What male culture will gain in extra energy and opportunity from no longer being required to carry the heavy, ill fitting mask will be worth it for them and all human beings in their life. We are stronger together.
136
Yes, silence is the voice of complicity. But labeling oneself 'sexist' is not necessary; addressing acts that demean women or reduce them to a fraction of a man, is. Actions, not words, George. Thanks.
4
George Yancy starts out with very strong points about accepted norms of male attitudes and views in our society. But he lost strength in his argument when he brings in Trump and Kavanaugh and reduces an otherwise great argument to a partisan political rant. The #metoo and potential #Iamasexist movement deserve non-partisan respect.
4
If the so-called liberals in this country continue to believe that the solution to ingrained patriarchy is self-flagellation, then I'm sorry to say that they will continue to lose more and more votes from the (dare I say) majority of men in this country who are decent, hard-working, and respectful of women.
37
@J
The "majority of men in this country" voted for an overt misogynist creep, so I find little evidence that they "are decent (...) and respectful of women".
1
This essay is disingenuous and functionally bad. Although eloquent, it is written directly to a male audience, yet does a terrible job of speaking to that audience. It’ll convince a few and existing male feminists will share it on Twitter, but he’ll get savaged by the right and by a lot of otherwise friendly men. The tone is SO wrong - it feels like it was written by someone looking for plaudits by women, rather than actually trying to convince men.
I agree with his points. I understand why it’s cathartic to read for women, and why supportive men could benefit from it.
My work brings me into environments that aren’t conducive to typical feminist messaging. I know how this will go down. The answer? Not well.
This is why disingenuous is the right word to use. Either the author seeks to preach to the converted for social status, or he’s so involved in his own media bubble that he cannot functional communicate outside of it.
This kind of article is the culture wars equivalent of pre-2016 political reporting. Naive and lacking perspective.
25
@Robin Exactly. It was virtue-signaling to a female audience. That's all.
This is a reasonable article that illustrates many of the problems with sexism, yet there are a number of commenters who are extremely hostile to its message. Why is that? Perhaps if a white person wrote about being racist, there would also be hostile comments … yes … although what I've observed is that calling out misogyny seems to bring out a really nasty side in some men. This is particularly true of statements about how women really have all the advantages. It's a bit like saying children have so many advantages, like being able to fit in small spaces and not having to pay a mortgage or go to work each day.
269
@Jean Campbell exactly. it's super disappointing to hit this wall of ignorance over and over and over and over again.
5
Certain men will be hostile to it because they identify with Yancy. If Yancy is sexist, then they are also sexist. If they are also sexist, then they must be bad people. Feeling like a bad person feels bad. Much easier to deny that Yancy is sexist, so that they can deny that they themselves are sexist so that they can feel good about themselves. As a culture, if we want to move forward to a more equal future, we need to practice forgiveness of ourselves and others. Men need to be able to say to themselves, “I am sexist, but I am also generally a good person, and as such I can improve.” Women need to be believe that sexist men can be good people with the capacity to change.
2
The whole dynamic between men and women must change to one of true equality before any of this toxic masculinity will change. When a time comes when women will be just as likely as a man to initiate contact, ask to date, make the first sexual moves, and the like, then there can be the equality lacing today. But when men are expected to take the risk of seduction vs. harassment and women are either complicit or victimized, nothing will change. This kind of change was beginning to occur in the sixties, with women free to express lust, go topless, and initiate contact with men they were attracted to. But by the seventies it was back to lipstick and sexy clothing and the end of this nascent egalitarianism. Now we’re pretending it’s the fifties, with the imminent return of the chaperone as the prophylactic of the metoo movement.
84
@Ronald Giteck Wow, I find it hard to relate to your argument. In my experience, women just do not want sex as much as men do. From adolescence on, girls have to fend off males trying to have sex with them. Why would any woman want to go topless? She would just be harrassed even more. I guess the reason marriage was invented was to make men take some responsibility for the children they help create. Now that marriage has declined, women are in an even more vulnerable position - try raising a child by yourself for 18 years. Try living a life where you have to worry about being attacked as you walk to your car.
3
@Ronald Giteck
Bravo! But there's more to it than that! It's the Tinder hook-up generation. The soyboys of this generation seem to genuinely be truly vile; and they're enabled by the absurd prevalence of fall-down-drunkeness among both genders (excuse me, I meant to say "all 79 genders", not both!)
It's really time for a return to the idea that first you fall in love (at least, to some degree), then you mutually enjoy sex. The millenial soyboys seem to have no concept of what sex is about, so the hatred of "males" needs to be directed at them as well as the vile older creatures (Weinstein, et al) who took advantage of their power in such an abusive way.
There are approximately half a billion non-millenial white men in the world; and there are 200 or so who have been called out on metoo. Of these, perhaps 50% were legitimately called out for behavior that was unacceptable by the standards of the time. That makes it 100. That implies that 99.99995% of all white, non-millenial males in the world are reasonably free of metoo type of crimes.
Let's maintain and improve upon the substantial progress that women and men have together made towards equality between the two genders. Let's revert to the more successful practices of previous eras where men and women first fell in love before they became "lovers". Let men take the lead in boycotting Tinder and such, and pursue sex only with women with whom there is mutual feeling of love. That would be a healthy return to civilization.
2
@Ronald Giteck
I think the backlash started in the 80s rather than the 70s, but otherwise I concur. I was in college in the mid to late 70s, a time when most of the young men I knew were feminists, too. They understood why women didn't want men to open doors or to expect to pay for dinner. They would look askance at women who were made up and coquettish. The consensus among young women at the time was that to take a man's name was to consent to being his property, so they wouldn't do it. Then sometime in the early 80s things changed. People younger than I was were becoming obsessed with MBAs. Women teased their hair and wore shoulder pads. The standard pattern reversed; it was the young people who were the conservatives. And in that environment misogyny flourished. I never understood how it happened, but I don't think the economic connection is coincidental.
1
I believe this article offers us a profound truth. It parallels the argument that we are all, to some extent, racist. It also parallels the Christian argument that we are all, to some extent, sinful. Innocence is great for children. As adults, I believe we would do better to pursue wisdom--acknowledge the ways we have perpetuated norms of enslavement (of both ourselves and others) look for ways to improve our lives and our culture--and set about living lives of joy.
6
I started out sceptical reading Mr. Yancy's article - the "I Regret" vignettes were fairly self-serving, heavy on the noble male being earnest and truthful and very light on candor about their actions. By the end though he had I was thankful to him for writing it - thanks Mr. Yancy. The even handedness and quiet truth about what boys learn will hopefully contribute to the dialogue and help loosen that male mask a bit. For the commenters continuing to say #notme, well, they are not yet woke but maybe as a society we're slowly opening our eyes.
3
It is extraordinarily difficult to see one's own privilege; it is like air pressure: you cannot feel it, it is seen only in its effects. Mr. Yancy gives a few simple examples, women taking their husband's names, or men wanting to be thanked for doing housework, But these rather trivial examples are the only current expressions of his own sexism he gives. This piece would have been much more powerful if he had searched a little deeper in his soul.
Mr Yancy says "There are times when I fear for the “loss” of my own “entitlement” as a male." but then gives no real example. Certainly at Emory there are faculty politics around the advancement of women which would trigger a sense of entitlement. Does he silently appraise the looks of his female students while seeing his male students solely as intellectual objects? Does he mentally diminish female colleagues with children; does he think they are distracted from their real work?
I am not accusing Mr Yancy of these things, I am just asking him to enunciate the ways in which he is currently reinforcing sexism and male privilege.
I appreciate the general intention to renounce sexism, but it requires concrete action which requires admission of the myriad ways men benefit from it. The failure to enunciate those privileges evinces a determination to retain them.
Good start, but you can do better.
236
@ML
Oh, certainly he CAN do better! Not enough examination of the past, his attitudes, his soul! I recommend 6 months of solitude and the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises.
As He, serving now as the archetype of sinful Man, contemplates his sins and omissions, how about She?
Has She flirted, dressed to provoke male attention, had an affair with a married or partnered man, used quotas to advance past better qualified men? Or, most simply, has She always had her own agenda? I suspect the answer is yes.
2
@Robert Goodell
Oh, I like this one! Mr. Yancy wrote an essay for the NYT to elucidate his sexism, but is off limits for criticism. The generic "She", or perhaps the specific me, wrote a comment and is now accused of flirting or having an affair with a married man! No attempt to shame me into silence there.
So, let me take account of my soul: have I flirted--why yes! Many times in my youth, I thought it was great fun. Have I dressed to provoke male attention--why yes! Though mostly for my husband these days. Have I had an affair, No, I am happily married for 38 years--and I did take my husband's name. Have I used quotas, No, I'm a house wife. No quotas for those. Do I have my own agenda-Yes! We all do.
Strangely I do not see your accusations, with the exception of the "advancing past better qualified men" as instances of female privilege or sexism against men. They are all part of the shared human experience. Sexism would be treating a human being as less than because of their gender; privilege would be 'advancing past the better qualified' because of gender.
I actually believe that men and women can be attracted to one another sexually and yet still treat each other with fairness and respect. Radical, I know. I actually believe that it is not a zero sum game, that both men and women benefit when we are all given the space to reach our full potential without fear or shame. I think Mr. Yancy would agree with me.
1
@ML...its a START for goodness sake. Here again, focusing on what is a NON-ISSUE and not absorbing the essence of the article and where this author is coming from. Missing this and so many other points is the crux of the apathy and ignorance of this country.
I read your entire post and let me tell you directly, some men were not raised that way. Some men had good and strong female role models and didn't play the "push and grind" game as kids.
This article is ridiculous. If it was just as simple as "I did this and I'm sorry..." that would be one thing. But this paints the picture that this is the normal. That every boy is raised this way.
It wasn't my normal.
290
@J Every boy I know growing up did these things described in this article. It was just part of their culture. They learned it from their fathers and their friends and films and they copied it, practiced it and honed their skills to the point where it became natural. It became so natural for meant to oppress women that they don't even realize they're doing it. That's why they deny it.
6
@J Not all boys/men may have done what the author writes about, but I can assure you that all women have endured psychological and physical attacks by men. It's part of the culture.
9
Right. Is want YOUR normal. It was his normal. Which is why it’s an opinion piece. And, sadly, for a lot of men, it was their normal, too.
That kind of abuse wasn’t my normal as a young girl either, but it was all around me, all the time. Just because I didn’t experience it doesn’t mean someone else didn’t.
7
I recently told my family about my MeToo moments and attempted suicide. My 84 year old father chatised me for airing my dirty laundry and cautioned me on the perils of drinking. (My first sexual assault occurred at ten.) My mother attepted to assign my depression to blows to the head I've suffered as an athlete. My 4 brothers remain silent. I've made them all uncomfortable. Poor dears.
48
@Ruth Anne I am so sorry your family has betrayed you. My brother's girlfriend was outcast by her family after she divorced her abusive husband. To grind glass into the wound, they welcomed him into the the family as their new son/brother, where he stays to this day. She is still trying to recover. I hope you have friends and other loved ones who will stand by you.
3
I, too, am a human being, possessed of many unfair prejudices, and I do my best not to vocalize the majority of them.
“We need to admit our roles in the larger problem of male violence against women. We need to tell the truth about ourselves.”
So, we need a scapegoat and a crucifix?
1
Thank you for your honesty, but you're projecting your own qualities, feelings and actions onto all men, and that's a mistake. I, for one, am not like you when it comes to women. My history and experiences are not like yours. I'm know I am not alone.
I know you speak accurately of many men, I just want to be clear that you do not speak for all men.
31
@Percy
Step back from the mirror & take another long look! & reconsider your comment.
Thank you in large part for the insights expressed here. One point: when the sexual assault/rape figures are given, once again there are no "actors" in the sentence. It's as if women "are raped" by invisible beings. No. It is men. When the sentences are written without the fear/habit of naming men, then men can see themselves in the issue. Men rape one out of five women, and other men as well. Men rape their intimate partners and aquaintances so much that half of the reported violence is by men the women knew. Etc. Say it. Name it. Men raping. Now stop it.
24
Bell Hooks should have, at the very least her name in capital letters. That's how we do names; yet ever instance begins with a lower-case letter.
The punctuation-archy notices these things, and struggles to determine if it's patriarchy, sexism, racism, or copyediting at the root of such a dismissive, demeaning mistake. Or maybe an AI copyeditor, that recognizes both her first and last name as words, but not a name together?
Otherwise, well done, though I'd quibble with numbers; nearly every women I know has been on the receiving end of a man's damaged and damaging notion of women and their place in the world as subordinate and there for men's gratification.
Thank you for the provocative essay, and welcome to your own full humanity.
3
hooks, bell / Gloria Jean Watkins (1952- ) ... As a writer, she chose the pseudonym, bell hooks, in tribute to her mother and great-grandmother. She decided not to capitalize her new name to place focus on her work rather than her name, on her ideas rather than her personality.
5
@Rebecca I am sure plenty of others will clarify, but bell hooks HERSELF spells her name with lowercase letters.
3
@Rebecca
Actually, bell hooks, who I know personally, prefers her name in lower case.
George Yancy
3
Professor Yancy
I am profoundly moved and grateful to you for writing this deeply thought-filled piece. My response after 66 years of living on this planet: At last there is a male voice in the wilderness speaking the truth. I wish this piece could be placed in the hands of every parent, educator, young boy and girl. Keep writing and speaking. The man in the White House is helping misogyny and racism flourish. As one of the countless women of #MeToo, we need your voice and your wisdom to help men begin to take responsibility. I cannot believe that we had to witness another Anita Hill travesty. Devastating to watch a again! Your words bring a bit of hope. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
7
The author states in re the Bett Kavanaugh hearings, that
"The history of toxic and violent masculinity should have been enough for us to give full weight to the reasonableness and believability of Ford’s testimony. But we did not."
Speak for yourself, professor! I find them both credible. Doctor Ford testifies that Kavanaugh tried to rape her when they were both in their teens. Kavanaugh states that he does not remember any such incident. In view of his recent admission of blacking out as a student, They are not inconsistent, and both could be accurate. This doesn't mean that both *are* accurate.
The presumption of innocence unless proven guilty "beyond reasonable doubt" is a vital criterion for a criminal prosecution, but not for a job interview!
4
@GHthree When did Kavanaugh admit blacking out? I’m pretty sure he denied it multiple times.
2
@GHthree
Do not sympathize with Judge Kavanaugh because of lack of corroboration. The Republicans and Kavanaugh resolutely refused to open the padlocked trunk in which Kavanaugh had hidden the body.
There you go again, Yancy! Telling the truth. Thank you for this gift.
6
Well, that right there is some EPIC virtue-signaling.
9
I read it and felt the same.
I also felt how big the problem is. Toxic masculinity is a thing, whatever you want to call it. When men criticize it and acknowledge it in themselves they get a massive eye roll.
2
Purporting to admit that you are sexist may make you feel good about yourself but it's not likely to accomplish much in dealing with the problem of the minority of men who engage in actual (as opposed to subconscious) violence against women. In fact, it's more likely that non-violent men will use this kind of confession as a clever way to attract women so that they can "score" with them. Thanks for the dating tip.
66
@Jay Orchard manipulation is the key tactic for any abuser and it usually starts with telling the soon to be violated exactly what they want to hear.
No, but subconscious violence impacts even more women than conscious violence, and is much, much harder to pin down and eradicate.
If you take this as a dating tip, I pity your dates.
62
@Jay Orchard Do you seriously think women will fall for that? We've seen that movie before. Why do you think so little of us?
1
It is not clear to me why pornography is brought into this matter of relations between men and women. If, for whatever reason, one has no sexual partners, watching pornography is quite healthy and pleasant. I wonder if this prudery about pornography is only part of a greater prudery about sex and sexuality in general. If we were more open and honest about sex and, yes, about relations between men and women, men and men, and women and women, maybe we'd all have more sex with each other and pornography wouldn't be so much in demand as it is now.
4
Guilty, Guilty, & Guilty,I am repenting for being a typical boy & man, by being for Women's Choice, washing the Dishes & putting them away. I even fold the laundry.However, no matter how I try to repent I am smitten by Guilt, and find myself yelling uncontrollably, when I think about the women I selfishly used to
satisfy my lust. I wonder if I had read this article when I was going into puberty if I would have acted differently towards women whom I truly love. I have been married 56 years, & only when I became impotent did I realize how important my wife is & what a wonderful friend she is.
1
This is a deeply personal and well thought out column - thanks!
I do understand and agree that most men have not engaged in the egregious behaviors exhibited by the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. I also understand and agree that, in spite of that, boys and men may have engages in "soul murder."
But Prof. Yancy overlooks that many women aid and abet men's ugly behaviors and transgressions. Take, for instance, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who defended Trump in noting that he was merely "stating the fact." As prof. Yancy notes, this is "a blatant lie and a further act of cruelty, a denial of Ford’s pain and denial of the collective suffering of women more generally from acts of sexual violence." there is no reason for Sarah Huckabee Sanders to defend Trump, but she chooses to do so. And, in doing so, she is helping advance the already present misogyny in men and aiding in "soul murder."
3
Of dear...
First of all I am against (can't even understand) all this movement which puts women vs men.
I have a fiance, we have a strong relationship, spanning from our high school years (15 years now). If you mess with one of us you're messing with both of us. We're well educated, have lawyers, gun keeping license, etc. We are a FAMILY, period !
We both judge (forming opinion) about other men or women from the way they dress, behave,etc.
We are working hard, long hours, none of us like the free loaders (as the case in a welfare state like Austria, where the average age of the students are 26 yrs, studying (partying) for free).
So no, I wont be part of any movement, I don't care how Im defined by ppl sitting on the fringes (both left or right).
We work, pay taxes, we obey the law and we take care of each other. Thats all.
5
My wife has used her "maiden" name for 40+ years; no big deal.
Sexual assault and rape are serious crimes. To be accused anonymously of such outside a court of law, where guilt or innocence can be established according to the rules of evidence and corroboration, is an abomination because under such conditions anyone can accuse anyone of anything without proof.
Look at the unsubstantiated (and initially anonymous) accusations of Dr. Blasey Ford, who accused Mr. Kavanaugh of sexual assault some 35 years after the fact though she was unable to remember the day, month, year, city or house in which the alleged assault took place, nor how she got to or from her home to the party. The several witnesses she named as being present were, according to the FBI, unable to recall the alleged incident.
Dr. Ford had 35 years to bring criminal or civil complaints against Mr. Kavanaugh, but did not do so and now says she does not plan to do so, undoubtedly so advised by her lawyers because her allegations could not possibly stand up in court.
As a life-long Democrat I am disgusted with the so-called Democratic leaders and their blatantly phony attempt to derail Kavanaugh's confirmation, an exercise in political theater rather than a true search for truth and justice.
Anonymous or unsubstantiated allegations of crime violate our legal system and cultural norms. It is therefore appropriate for men (or women) who are falsely accused to seek redress through the laws and the courts.
3
When my wife and I were planning our marriage - it was I who encouraged her to take back her family name - after 25 years of having used the surname of her previous husband --
It was she who found that idea to be odd - and had difficulty understanding why I didn't want her to proudly bear my name - to be identified as "Your Wife" --
There were a number of reasons - some having to do with stereotypical assumptions being made based upon a person's name - even before having met them --
However - my strongest argument to her was she she should be proud to be known by her family name -- and it was I who would be proud to be known as the man she chose to marry --
There are still men everywhere - from every strata of race and class distinction - who consider their wives to be their "property" -- equivalent to their car - lawnmower - golf clubs - etc --
My car - my lawnmower - my fishing rod - my wife --
I occasionally watch reruns of the old game shows - such as "To Tell the Truth" -
At one point - the emcee asks the female participants -- "What is your name, and what do you really do ?" -
And they answer --
"My name is Mrs. Richard Anderson, and I'm a homemaker" --
Or -
"My name is Mrs. Alton Stovers, and I'm a secretary" --
Ultimately - we never learn the real names of these women --
It's really very simple actually --
All you have to do is treat women just like they were regular people - which - of course - they are...
2
In his discussion of a collective misogyny Professor Yancy doesn't include any discussion of religion. I am not sure if that is because religion wasn't a significant factor in his life or not, but not only is religion a significant factor in the lives of millions upon millions of people, but also a factor in the collective culture of this country, and many others.
Christianity and the Bible have served to place and hold women in subservient stead for centuries. Women have been taught their place as defined by the ultimate patriarchy. The Bible and the teachings are the church are easily used to justify the superiority in men and the place of women as second, as property, as evil so that both men and women believe it.
You see it the effects of religion on women and their place in culture all around us, all the time. We saw it in the Kavanaugh hearings. In Trump's words. Women lie. Women can't be believed. Women should know their place and never question a man. The belief in the natural order, the dominance of man over woman. It is ordained. It is right. It is so written.
The poisoning of people's minds (it is really most effective when it's both men and women who buy into it) toward women by religion, and by religion I am speaking of the fundamentalist or conservative doctrine sorts, is obvious when you run into it from the outside. As I did when I first met my best friend's family.
3
Yet another article describing men as the devil. Regardless of how true this might be, how about the furious left give it a break until after the midterms? Being constantly bashed over the head with how horrible we are has driven a lot of otherwise reasonable white men into the ballot box for Donald Trump. Win first, debate the moral high ground second.
176
@JDub; I'm sorry but the position of 'Win first, debate the moral high ground second' precisely sums up the issues that every woman faces every day. There's nothing to debate about how women are treated in countless, daily encounters. There's no rationalizing the statistical evidence of the percentage of women who daily encounter physical and psychological danger. There is no moral high ground for not paying women equally their skills than their male colleagues. This transcends political leanings, it is the issue that defines us as a civilization; men strive to 'win', women strive to endure and, like Dr. Ford, be heard and believed.
4
@JDub I'm sorry Mr. Dub, but if you are driven to vote for Trump because of a few uncomfortable facts, you are not only misguided but you're a part of the problem.
3
@JDub No reasonable white man would vote for Donald Trump. Lots of unreasonable white men did. I would like to know exactly what is reasonable about the Trump presidency.
1
I have worked with and for female elementary teachers and I could not ignore how, unconsciously, they were nurturing the boys' need to be seen and treated as superior to girls. In other words, I think that schools contribute to toxic masculinity.
2
@Roland Berger The percentage of elementary teachers is more than 90% women. Has been forever. So women are to blame?
@Shamrock
No. Patriarchy is to blame. But women can absolutely perpetuate patriarchy.
I know you think this is clever, but it really just shows how little you understand this issue.
This is yet another wake up call to continue to be vigilant in questioning myself and what I can do to recognize my own contributions to our troubled culture.
I do have a question, and at the risk of being controversial, I feel I must ask it. I may be misguided, and if so, it’s all the more important that I be corrected, and others too, as I don’t think I’m the only one who has considered this:
The author says—
“The history of toxic and violent masculinity should have been enough for us to give full weight to the reasonableness and believability of Ford’s testimony. But we did not.”
It always seemed to me so obvious that CBF was telling the truth, and that Kavanaugh did do what she said.
The author also talks about how boys are raised in a culture that teaches them to disrespect women and view them as “prey”.
So it always seemed very clear to me that we as a society were asking ourselves a question in that political theatre:
Kavanaugh did it, and it was a despicable, but should an act of his youth deny him for the rest of his life from serving on the Supreme Court?
It seems so obvious. But the narrative has all
become about believing her or not. We all believe her, but half of America has to lie and say they don’t. Why is that? Can we fix that?
For a number of reasons, he should not serve. But the question still seems pertinent, given the author’s own admission that boys are corrupted from an early age by our society, just as girls are taught lies about themselves.
4
Well...I commend on the author for reflecting on this past transgressions, this is, most definitely, a first step that is needed to be done by everyone. I am quite shocked that the author did not think his insisting that his now-wife take his last name was not sexist at the time. There's really no other way to interpret that, now and then.
The issue of name change has always been odd with me. Coming from a culture where the women keep her last name, it always seemed like a sexist, patriarchal thing to do in the US, even when I first heard about it at 7 years old. I remember thinking at the time (and still do), I have a last name thank you. Why would I take yours? Why wouldn't you take mine or if we wanted the same last name, why wouldn't we get a new one together? The last name and how Americans have viewed property historically and currently always made me feel uneasy about this. It does surprise me though that so many of my feminist female friends still want to take their husband's last name.
3
The professor is right, of course, and I thank him for this thoughtful piece.
But I’m pretty sure men in general, won’t read this piece or if they do, they’ll roll eyes and think or say something about it’s author being feminized, or weak.
We are a long way away from breaking the strict boundaries of raising toxic masculine children. Think of the toys for boys v. toys for girls. Even the color of clothing they may wear is masculine policed. (Girls in a pink ghetto, boys better not wear pink)
To start a revolution of equality and end toxic masculinity we need a feminine culture starting from the top. That means a woman as president, and women in leadership. That means maternity AND paternity leave for new parents. It means daycare accessible to all and paid for by all. And as the professor said in his piece, the men will have to self examine and repent.
6
@Nicola
I don't think Yancey is "feminized" or "weak," but I do think he errs in attempting to globalize his experiences and impulses to those of all men.
I despise toxic masculinity, and I am constantly embarrassed by men — including the one currently in the White House — who, to me, signal their desperate insecurity with their macho posturing.
I literally don't fit any of the situations the professor describes, and even the woman I'm married to tells friends that I am more ardently feminist than she is.
I cannot understand how such broad-brush characterization and a call for self-flagellation would do anything at all to improve the situation. If anything, I suspect it is likely to stir more rigidity and backlash among the many insecure, terrified males out there.
2
None of the "sexist" things you reference happen in our family- no name change, I do almost all housework and childcare, bill paying, nobody assaults anyone etc- but we have two sons who are trying to get through school without hating themselves for being boys (no easy feat today-neither has had a male teacher into middle school).
Irresponsible pile-on articles like this (and there are hundreds saying the same thing) can be pretty damaging to boys already being taught all day that their gender is something they should feel guilty about. Right now they're still good, well-adjusted boys, but I fear for their futures.
226
@keith It is not "irresponsible" for society to divert it's attention away from the welfare of males and focus on the lives and experiences of women for a change! But apparently in a patriarchy that is an act of unforgivable hostility.
8
@keith - Why would your boys think their gender is something they should be ashamed of? I've read nothing that indicates 'maleness' is to blame for any of this behavior, and that's certainly not what this article asserts.
The societal construct of "masculinity" - specifically, the hyper-violent version known as "toxic" - is being targeted here.
Based on your description of your parenting and living style, your children are not being modeled in toxic ways, and they're doing just fine. They can look to you for an example of how to live as males, and more importantly, as PEOPLE.
3
If you can read the statistics about sexual violence toward women and call this piece “piling on” then I fear for the future of your sons as well.
6
Thank you. I kept my maiden name, but have found an underlying irritation as I read your piece that my children have my husband's name - a subtle societal indicator that I am not a full partner in this partnership. My husband's name was automatically put first on our deed, and so on, and so forth. The million tiny ways of being oppressed are both unimportant and truly telling at the same time.
11
If this gentleman had a real job -- meaning, spending most of his day doing things he actively disliked and finding himself harried and depleted at the end of it -- he wouldn't have so much leisure to be good.
This kind of virtue, which denies biology, is the luxury of the idle and the contemplative. Life is too short for most mortals to acquire either wisdom, sexless enlightenment or beatific attitudes.
Sure, do your best. Don't be jerk. But come on -- how many millennia is it, men and women at odds?
7
Expecting to be thanked is not sexist. It is the mark of a healthy relationship, because great relationships are often delineated by frequent expressions of gratitude. This is one of the positive interactions that Dr. John Gottman says are so crucial. If I don't thank my partner for a delicious meal, my partner knows there's something wrong. If my partner doesn't thank me, same thing. As for the name change thing, whatever. There's a healthiness in men in wanting their family name to continue. It is a sign of strength and pride. There is also a healthiness in backing off. If you and your spouse had discussed this before the marriage, and you decided not to marry her because of it and only it, that could be problematic. There is plenty of sexism by some men, and plenty of sexist expectations from some women, too. But not those examples.
8
For years Prof. Yancy has been repeating the same mantras, albeit with minor changes.
We already know that all whites are racists and he has actually written for the last few years that all men are sexist. I found this in his writings already in 2015, but it could also be earlier.
Maybe is he is correct, maybe all whites are racist and all men are sexist and I certainly could fit into a whole bunch of other"alls".
What is disturbing though is that Prof. Yancy is an academic and particularly a philosopher. I have spend decades trying to teach students that "all" is rarely correct, however used, even metaphorically, and a little more caution should be exercised.
Thus, some men are sexist and some not. Or they might be at times or not, or they might think sexist thoughts and not act. But there just might be some good men out there and maybe some of them are white. Jewish tradition teaches that those with pronounced "evil inclinations" which they can control are on a higher level, as it were, than those with no evil thoughts or inclinations. Note Jimmy Carter's comment of "lusting in his heart".
This is not to deprecate the problems that exist, but just a call to avoid this type of hyperbole.
55
Our cultural norms hurt both sexes. Boys are taught early to hide all emotions except anger. They cannot ever show vulnerability or ask for help. They are required to be emotionally stunted. This is awful. Both sexes are constricted by our culture, and it will take generations to change.
12
When I married, at age 39, I did *not* want my wife to take my last name. But she did, so that's what she did. At our house, work is shared, and nobody expects or demands thanks.
I notice beauty, but have never been accused of objectifying stares. I have never ever catcalled a woman, said something untoward about a woman's appearance or made a sexualized gesture toward a woman.
To the extent that my imagination is "pornographic," it is involuntary — but more important, it's private; I've never shared it with a woman who a) is not my partner and b) consents to receiving it.
I am not perfect. I have lost my temper at my wife, women co-workers and bosses and my mother. But not any differently than I have lost my temper at myriad men. The single instance of violence toward a woman in my life (which I regret, do not excuse, and have made amends for) was pushing my girlfriend at age 17, when we were both drunk.
When it comes to race, I am sometimes made uncomfortably aware that I have racist impulses, despite my outward desire not to and attempt to scrub my fallible human mind free of such noxious ideas. I continue to question myself constantly, do not act or speak on those impulses, and try, nonetheless, to improve.
I am sure that I likewise have unconscious sexist impulses. But contrary to Yancey's experience, even my wife — no slouch in the feminist department — tells people I'm less sexist than she is.
So, no, I won't be using the #IAmSexist hashtag any time soon.
15
@C.B. Evans - I applaud your continuing self-examination, but a question: Looking outside instead of inside, do you think you receive benefits in our society (without necessarily asking for them) by being white and male?
By this I mean tangible things, like higher pay, easier job-getting, less pulled-over-by-the-police-ing...things you may or may not notice (because how do we notice when we're NOT pulled over, for example)?
As a white woman, I am aware of many benefits (and likely unaware of even more) that accrue to me for no reason other than my whiteness.
So for me, self-examination begins by admitting that I benefit from historical and current racist constructs.
It's pretty difficult to benefit from something and at the same time insist you don't "believe" in it in your own case. That only works if you are an island, completely untethered from the surrounding world.
3
@C.B. Evans
I can only count to 'recommend' CB's once, but I can (I hope) amplify my concurrence with this reply.
Professor Yancy, your 'mea culpa' is not my mea culpa, and don't think you can lay it on me. As Jim from Pennsylvania wrote a dozen or so comments back, your experience in socialization (or not), as you recount it, is totally foreign to me.
I am married, and my wife adopted my name - her choice, not mine; I probably never proposed that I had an opinion on the matter. We raised two daughters.
I am aware of sexuality. As a few have noted elsewhere, one can admire and without ogling. And I am aware and agree that the "well why did she dress that way if not to make people look (or act)" excuse holds no water.
But as the term is generally applied, I will NOT accept the assignment of 'sexist.' Am I perfect? Of course not. Could I be better? Undoubtably, but couldn't everybody? (rhetorical question)
1
@C.B. Evans Your mind may be spotless, and if so, congratulations. You have still benefited from societal sexism in the way other people perceive you and treat you, and the chances you've been given.
2
A masterful parody of logic and reason, thank you Mr. Yancy for showing me new limits of comedy and biting commentary.
12
A toxic man finally gets it. I can die now.
My first instinct, typical for a woman, is to thank Mr. Yancy for 'getting it.' You know what? I'm not going to.
The paragraph that begins..."I speak as an insider"...perfectly sums up the toxic miasma I endured as a woman engineer back in the days when I was the only one in the office. Believe it or not, there were some decent men who did not participate in the "dehumanizing and despicable gestures." And, if their "pornographic imaginations" were in overdrive, I didn't know about it. They kept their eyes off my parts and on my face. I was silently grateful to those men, and there were more than a few, who unfailingly treated me with respect. I felt especially grateful to the very few who would speak up, or at least walk away, when the collective objectification began.
I always thought that as more women filled the seats around me, things would get better. Somehow, they only seemed to get worse. I guess there was just more meat to evaluate.
So, Mr. Yancy, I will congratulate you for being brave enough to write this insightful column, but not thank you. I'm tired of thanking men for being decent human beings.
541
@CF
And I likewise won't thank you for being (almost) non-judgmental about men.
6
@CF
How about thanking him for being on team human? Geez. We thank the rich who give to the poor, who build hospitals, food banks, schools. Can't we thank those who could turn their heads away but don't?
I'm thankful he speaks his truth and that he is able to admit it overlaps with mine.
1
This essay is interesting and thought-provoking, but it rambles about too many issues, thereby diluting its core message. While I agree to almost everything, I submit that "masculine" education is toxic not only to girls but also to young males. Think only of the hazing rituals, which have even resulted in young male students being killed.
On another of the many topics touched upon, it may surprise to learn that I, while coming of age as a male in Italy (arguably a particularly misogynistic country), have never experienced classmates pushing me into girls and have never rubbed myself against girls or women. And I always found faces to be much more interesting than butts (and I still do).
Also, let's not conflate these actions with "pornographic" thoughts. Thoughts are free, erotic thoughts are necessary to everybody's psychic equilibrium, and they often cannot be voluntarily controlled. There is nothing wrong with them, and having thoughts has nothing in common with acting on them.
12
Thanks so much for this insightful piece, Professor Yancy. I understand what you are saying and have experienced the shame I feel for my desire to do things on my own without the input of the men in my life. I think part of this feeling has to do with not wanting to hurt these men, not wanting to undercut their power and authority for fear that if I do, they will fall apart. I sense that men are quite fragile, that their sense of self is built on a house of cards that can collapse at any moment. For example, after years of going to a mechanic that my significant other claimed was the best and being disappointed time after time, I decided to scrap my old car and buy a new one. But I was so sick of being told what to do and how to do it, that I bought the car without letting him know. When he saw that I had purchased the car independently, he informed me that he was deeply deeply hurt and that our relationship would never be the same. This is from someone who I have allowed to dictate what I do and how I do it for fear of hurting his delicate ego. But was I really obligated to defer to him? No. Had he been imposing his will on me without my even contemplating what I wanted to do? Yes. So in a sense his behavior was a form of subtle abuse that he felt entitled to. I'm reminded of Kavanaugh and how tearful he was when confronted with his horrible acts. Have women been sacrificing their own well being to protect the infantile needs of men?
14
Couldnt you make the philosophical argument that by acknowledging a woman’s physical inferiority - particularly in the context of violence - sexism actually prevents more than it perpetuates?
We do live by the implied axiom that if a man ever does hit a woman, under any circumstance, he is irredeemable.
But that “rule” isn’t applied to man vs man or woman vs woman. It’s an exclusive protection that can be viewed as both chauvinistic and progressive at the same time.
Wait...never mind - that line of reasoning doesn’t fit into the binary, dogmatic absolutism that drives this madness
5
@Guy
Re: "a woman's physical inferiority"
This is an example of the attitude of sexism at work in our patriarchal culture, which values physical size, strength, and speed (most men) over physical energy efficiency and longevity (most women). But women are not "physically INFERIOR" members of the species homo sapiens. This is an attitude and valuation of worth that a patriarchal culture uses as a weapon, both mentally and physically, against women. Absent of value judgement, statistically speaking, most men are larger, stronger, and faster, than most women. But this does not imply women are "physically INFERIOR." That's because most women, in contrast to most men, are more energy efficient and live longer. So who is "inferior" when that ruler of physical attributes (energy efficiency and longevity) is used to pass judgement as to valuing one set of physical attributes over another? Sexual dimorphism is common in mammals. In the homo sapiens species, most women on average tend to be smaller, lighter w/ less muscle mass, thus are more energy efficient, than most men. In the course of evolution, natural selection of these traits benefited reproduction, the nurturing of young, and thus ensured the survival of the species. When food is scarce, women can survive on fewer calories thus endure to raise young. It is no accident that the only survivor of the Donner Party was a woman. So who is the more "physically inferior" member of the species in that type of scenario?
4
Professor Yancy, at first I avoided reading your piece, instead choosing to read other articles in close proximity. But I kept circling back to your piece with a odd mix of trepidation and curiosity. I had some hope that perhaps your opinion would be a thoughtful and self reflective attempt to reveal that sexism and misogyny are so embedded in the culture that even "good men" have internalized a toxic attitude towards women. You accomplished that. Despite this I found myself feeling agitated and irritable as I absorbed your thoughts, observations, anecdotes, and statistics. Towards the end I suddenly became tearful. I recognized my reactions as related to personal traumas such as rape, sexual assault, and the more subtle forms of misogyny and sexism that permeate the culture. Then I realized I am so, so angry. These are trying times for many. Please keep your conversation with men going because that is key to change. But please also recognize that an intellectualized discussion may not really capture the devastating damage inflicted on girls and women. I think in addition to understanding this men need to dig deep and really try to feel it.
201
Not sure about the term, "soul murder." It carries an exaggerated sense of potency and accomplishment. There's more a continuum of violence and coercion, I'd imagine.
I'll also note the special violence that is directed at the gender-non-comforming, from elementary school onward. A thorough sexist mea-culpa will include the violence and ostracism afforded those children, youths, and adults as well.
4
I have waited so long for this essay. This is the hope of the future, men being thoughtful and reflective about their own perspectives and behaviors. I understand that this is a very painful endeavor for men, but with that growth is the opportunity to have relationships with women devoid of most of the resentments that women acquire, which increase each year of life that these issues are ignored. Men will then enjoy the respect and affection of women in their lives and more importantly self respect. With this work will come forgiveness of your behavior developed by social norms by both yourselves and the women in your lives. Thank you Mr. Yancy for giving a blueprint for how to understand these complicated issues.
2
Dr. Yancy,
It would be tempting to box your ears in a moment of relief, for it has been the longest time that your voice has been missing from the New York Times. Some of us are feeling the need to do a head-count of our journalists, our philosophers, our contributors. If you go astray again and off to the Himalayas, you will not receive a drumstick at the Thanksgiving table. This is a promise, and not a threat.
There are tons of Trump jrs. running about in our midst, and with few exceptions, they are despised. Despised for their arrogance and strutting our country like masters of the universe. Regardless of gender, they are frowned upon, or sent abroad as 'remittance men'.
When I proposed marriage to my boyfriend years ago, after we went to see 'Young Winston' on the screen, he hedged a bit. It was the era when some women were burning their underwear, as a sign of strength and defiance. A costly proposition, and not recommended with the rise of inflation these days.
'Listen to your Lord and Master', followed by a laugh from my husband, used to be the cause of my wishing to spread my wings. The young days when I took myself too seriously.
There is no need give yourself a hard time, for you are neither craven, a weakling or a milquetoast. Keep in plain view, and keep writing to strengthen your readership. Some of us are listening to what you have to say, whether we are from Planet Mars or Venus.
1
Hormones and a variety of other human chemicals whose combinations and levels are determined by an individual’s DNA are massively powerful substances that in minute quantities often are more controlling of “who an individual is” than all the conscious efforts to counter that influence.
That’s not to say that these substances are all controlling with no other input having any influence on us, but, I’ve been in the medical field for 50 years and I have great respect for the awesome power of these chemicals.
There are men who are brutal misogynists, and men who are the complete opposite. How much of this is due to individual hormone levels and how much due to “external influences” I don’t know.
This is not an excuse for tolerating many mens’ attitudes towards women. That needs to be changed. But the task may be more formidable now and in future generations because of hormonal psychological effects.
4
If you replace sin with sexism this reads exactly like a puritan tract. I think it also serves the same purpose. I'm so lost to sin I don't even understand it, my every thought and breath is evil. Maybe if I obey the pastor I'll have a chance, he has seen the truth.
15
Just what we need - another article by someone who feels they speak for an entire demographic.
Most of what you cited as routine male behavior is utterly foreign to me.
39
@Jim Good point. I worry much more about my children's future than I do about being a victim of sexual assault.
3
let's take it a step further and say we're all -ist's. as long as we continue to differentiate for the sake of improving our individual lots in life, we are all guilty.
2
Prof. Yancy is additional evidence that we learn. Since we learn we can change. And we must take great care in what we teach.
3
I agree with most points made in this piece. However, there is one area where I disagree. I do not think that this is solely cultural. I think that it is both biological and cultural at the same time. I am loath to admit it but I have very little empathy for women, and human beings and other creatures in general. In my view, the same is true for other men who commit most acts of sexual violence. It comes both from a lack of empathy and from toxic norms concerning musicality (which were probably born of a lack of empathy in the first place). So, you cannot overlook the other part of the equation. Plus, in my case, nurture definitely beat nature as I am able to keep my baser instinct at bay. But I do not do it for me, I do it out of a strange sense of duty that I feel towards the women I dearly love. I do not know how or if this can ever be replicated, but there it is, a sense that I cannot hurt other women or men, because that is frowned upon in my micro-tribe.
By the way, my father had a sense of duty for protecting his own little tribe, of which he was a chieftain, as well. I guess, I inherited this from him, but only in my case, this sense of duty prevents me from hurting other people, whereas, in his case, it always forced him to hurt those who hurt his own. It has always been fascinating to me, how a certain thing can make one person be good, while at the same time making someone else commit terrible atrocities. The human condition is very strange, to say the least.
7
I agree with most points made in this piece. However, there is one area where I disagree. I do not think that this is solely cultural. I think that it is both biological and cultural at the same time. I am loath to admit it but I have very little empathy for women, and human beings and other creatures in general. In my view, the same is true for other men who commit most acts of sexual violence. It comes both from a lack of empathy and from toxic norms concerning musicality (which were probably born of a lack of empathy in the first place). So, you cannot overlook the other part of the equation. Plus, in my case, nurture definitely beat nature as I am able to keep my baser instincts* at bay. But I do not do it for me, I do it out of a strange sense of duty that I feel towards the women I dearly love. I do not know how or if this can ever be replicated, but there it is, a sense that I cannot hurt other women or men, because that is frowned upon in my micro-tribe.
By the way, my father had a sense of duty for protecting his own little tribe, of which he was a chieftain, as well. I guess, I inherited this from him, but only in my case, this sense of duty prevents me from hurting other people, whereas, in his case, it always forced him to hurt those who hurt his own. It has always been fascinating to me, how a certain thing can make one person be good, while at the same time making someone else commit terrible atrocities. The human condition is very strange, to say the least.
2
I think I want to forgive the Professor for being honest about what he says. But I’m not sure pure honesty can ever mend the damage done over time to women.
I ask myself why would I even consider forgiving a man, an intelligent, possible redeemable man, possible ally in the war I fight against sexism every day?
Is it because I am a woman and thus possess empathy in amounts men do not? Is it because he’s fessed up?
I’m just as confused as men I think. Not about what’s happening in 2018, not the confusion men of my age (65), feel trying to take it all in, and hiding or not hiding behind The Mask, but by how long this misogyny has gone on and how so many women are complicit in it, put up with it, are complacent.
This discussion will no doubt be very long. Will women ever achieve parity with men? I suppose that will depend on women. The burden again falls on us. To raise daughters and sons to reject sexism. Walk through any children’s department and see the seeds of “difference” and be a pessimist like me.
What a way to start the day.
20
I want to know if your brilliant and brave wife kept her own name? And if not, is it too late to change it? Owning our names is the very basis of owning ourselves. I changed mine to my mother's maiden name after my first husband died and my second husband divorced me. I'm 80 now, so that was eons ago. I have never been sorry I did that. That choice made me feel real.
17
@SFR
Thanks for this question. YES! MY wife did indeed keep her last name. And I appreciate your courage. Our names are part of who we are.
4
@George Yancy Thanks for the answer! I appreciate your, and her, courage as well. I've never before had a writer reply to my comments. Double thanks.
I'm sorry...if the premise of the column is that even we men who think we are liberated are not (a valid discussion!), then it should come from someone who has a legitimate shot at the delusion. When/where did Prof. Yancy get married? I am a straight, white male who has been married for over 32 years. At the time I got married I assumed my wife would keep her name, which she did. The same was true of almost all couples in our circle. Our children took my name, although we knew of all sorts of combinations (hyphens in both directions, portmanteaus, alternating, and so forth). Now my two married daughters both kept their names (one is married to hyphen). Prof. Yancy should have known he had a problem for a long, long time
11
Bravo for assuming your wife would keep her name. The fact that your children both took yours, however, so that your wife’s name has now vanished in the next generation of your family with her alone to carry it now (bearing a surname that sets her apart from you and your children, I’ll add), just demonstrates how difficult it is for a commitment to feminism and equality to be reflected in the family names we bear. Get off your high horse. People have all sorts of reasons for taking a spouse’s name, or not, and your assumption that women keeping their fathers’ names is de facto feminist—and that taking a husband’s name is patriarchal—is poisonous, judgmental, and outdated.
3
@Emily Let's say Professor Yanci married at age 21. Ronald Reagan was actively pursuing a human life amendment to the Constitution; equal pay was far from common; Jesse Helms was still bellowing his racist and sexist "truths" from a powerful position in the Senate, and the concepts of women's rights were far from generally accepted--they still have a long way to go. Recall that marital rape was first discussed in the 1970s and was not recognized in all states until 1993. Depending on where you lived, Prof. Yancy's discussion of insisting on his wife taking his name seems entirely plausible.
1
@Kathryn Warren On the name issue, I have absolutely no issue with any woman doing whatever she wants with her name when she gets married. But think on this: the whole idea of children taking a father's name is based on him formally taking responsibility for children that historically could never be proven to be his. That's all changed with DNA, etc. Just something to consider...
Thank you. This article is actually comforting to me. Men and women need to have these conversations. It is so difficult to navigate the world for both boys and girls as they grow in to adults. How we act towards each other is crucial to our mental health and our ability to lead a healthy life. Dignity, respect, and appreciation for each other is a noble goal . Many thanks to the writer for his honest self reflection.
13
I have always done my own shopping, cooking and cleaning. I have also always done all of my own home maintenance, banking, and tax preparation, not to mention being entirely self-supporting financially. I also never considered being part of a relationship in which a woman would take my last name as hers. Never. How weird. There are cultures where such a thing never happens and never has happened; women and men keep their family names upon marriage, in Italy for example, where it is a longstanding tradition. Finally, sexism exists on both sides. It does not manifest itself on the female side as it does on the male side, but it is just as toxic, and just as much a part of the problem.
17
Thomas tell me about how women express sexism against men. I’m curious.
@Nancy Becker Sure, although I can't believe you can't think of multiple examples yourself. Off the top of my head: generally by expecting a man to act in a stereotypically male way, such as by being repulsed by a man's expression of weakness and other forms of emotion that are not traditionally allowable to men, by refusing or being unable to perform a traditionally masculine task, such as asking a man out or proposing marriage, by refusing to accept a man's standard when it comes to performing a traditionally feminine task, such as cleaning a house or raising a child, assuming that her way is the (only) right way. There are many more, but I think you get the idea. Again, I can't believe that you actually think women are not sexist also. All women? No. You? I have no idea.
@Thomas
"...generally by expecting a man to act in a stereotypically male way, such as by being repulsed by a man's expression of weakness and other forms of emotion that are not traditionally allowable to me"
To be clear, everything you cited is a result of patriarchy. It's not men against women, it's recognizing and resisting the negative effects of patriarchy. Women can be sexist against women. (The examples you listed are still not expressions of sexism against men, in fact, if anything, they represent sexist ideals against women, because you are considering traditionally "female" behavior as bad behavior.) Patriarchy can hurt men (the examples you listed- patriarchy requires them to "be men" in a certain way). Again, it's not men v. women. It's abolishing oppressive structures like patriarchy.
Professor Yancy has offered a heartfelt expression of many men’s thoughts and experiences as we continue to fail becoming fully realized as human beings.
Yet, as a practical matter, the pathway to creating a just environment involves more than exhortations to do and be better. It’s women achieving at least parity in power with men. That puts us squarely in the realm of law, policy, and politics. Until women are the political equals with men (in the legislatures, the courts, and the executive mansion), they will remain at best a second class.
Men can help in that practical realm by supporting the election of women. It won’t solve the problems of patriarchy and sexism alone but points out the way.
Imagine if Trump had to congratulate Madam President at 12:01 pm on January 20, 2021. That would be a start.
33
@David Potenziani
"Imagine if Trump had to congratulate Madam President at 12:01 pm on January 20, 2021. That would be a start. "
OH! I had not thought about that scenario. That changes my thinking about the potential candidates. In fact, I am now switching my favorite from Bernie to Kamala. Imagine Trump having to sit through the inauguration of a black woman!
. . . ok, revenge is not the best rationale for choosing a president. But it would be so sweet.
Thank you. This is the type of self-reflection and humility that we need, that women need to see from men to trust them, and that was missing from the NYT's recent piece that highlighted 8 men who had groped/harassed/witnessed assaults on women in the past.
It also correctly frames the issue: men who carry around ideas that come from or reflect toxic masculinity are not bad people (generally). They just have some bad ideas.
Now the question is what men will decide to do about those bad ideas that culture has ingrained from birth once they learn that those ideas are hurtful to women.
20
Thank you Professor Yancy, for this honest reflection. Many men distance themselves from the Me Too movement on the basis that they have never assaulted women, or were raised to be "gentlemen."
This sets the bar too low. We need to look at our patriarchal history and accept that "boys will be boys" has led to a tactic approval of oppression, sexism and worse. It should start with our President.
47
I agree with much of what the author has to say but take issue with the oversimplification of causation. It is not enough to say the male-centered behavior we only now seem to recognize as bad is a social illness. Human attitudes toward sex differences did not emerge solely from the misguided ideas of our ancestral social architects. They are the by-products of natural selection among primates.
Nobody explains to a silverback gorilla--always male--how to lead a troop, and they are not known for their civility toward females. While it would be absolutely appropriate to change expectations for a moral actor, we must recognize that it would likely take many generations of rational training to domesticate sexual predatory instincts out of the male gorilla brain. And, that could only even BEGIN to occur once the subject actually recognizes and accepts the behavior as wrong.
The author's admissions and desire to make amends seem as extraordinary (and inspiring) as they are because they are way outside the norm. We are still waking up to the realization that historically acceptable practices of men are truly abysmal in a moral society, which means we have generations of counter-evolutionary education ahead before we can realistically expect permanent change.
In the meantime, we need to be cautious in assigning blame and patient while men right themselves, lest we find our nation even more deeply divided by snowflake men falsely claiming victim-hood.
25
@GBarry If you're going to take the route of "primate example" then it gets complicated, as our closesest primate relatives are not only gorillas, but also chimpanzees and orangutans (with bonobos trailing in the mix, and their behavior would really complicate your point). Each primate group has radically different social groupings and habits when it comes to male/ female interaction. Furthermore, whereas older primatology research frequently confirmed and supported patriarchal notions of the "naturalness" of male behavior towards females, once female primatologists got into the field, their research often complicated and contradicted their male colleagues' results (Donna Haraway's work is instructive on this point).
28
@GBarry This pseudo-science must not stand! We do not know, because we do not have the tools (and may never), what selective forces affected our social structures. Additionally, once we gained generational transmission of ideas, as well as genes, adaptation could happen without genetic changes. Don't make up science to further your own arguments!
2
WHILE I THINK THAT George Yancy's writing is not without merit, I disagree with his premise that admitting that all males are misogynists is counterproductive. The reality is that all humans are flawed, imperfect beings, irregardless of gender. I've worked for many years with abused and neglected children in single parent families, most all of which are headed by females. I get it that people who have been treated with brutality instead of love and respect, will unconsciously adopt brutality as a means of parenting. The task is for women and men to join together in changing a gender biased society. In Sweden, the government has embarked upon massive efforts to minimize gender bias. Still, Deborah Tannen, Sociolinguist, in her masterpiece, You Just Don't Understand, describes how gender influence styles of speaking, reflective of different world views. She says that women communicate to ask, Do you like me yet? And men tend to communicate to ask, Have I won yet? These are metamessages, sent unconsciously by the speakers. I believe that women and men are entitled to their style of speaking. I also believe that they are capable of being aware of gender differences in speech. Style-shifting can become conscious--it's like learning to speak another dialect, or in some ways another language. In fact, I'd say, that's where we start. Words are the tools humans have to convey their specific meaning. Style shifting may do it. NOT all males confessing to misogyny.
26
At 62 with 2 sons and a daughter, I have often told the story of being in college in the late 70s and telling peers how I saw a clear unfairness to how women were being treated, and how I was so often dismissed, even by many women. In the years that followed I treated women much more fairly and equally than many if not all of my peers. And yes, my wife hyphenated her name with my blessing. I wore this all as a badge of honor until recently as the #metoo movement came to the fore, explaining to my daughter that this no longer felt adequate, and how the "honor" I wore felt more like an excuse. Something uncomfortable was tugging at me and I didn't know quite what I was feeling until I read this opinion piece. Thank you for the clarity. We need many more of these.
128
It’s possible to be too sensitive.
2
But did you hyphenate *your* name?
Mine is not an opinion that is popular, because the nature of our collective (male & female) sexism is little understood. A more complete understanding of sexism is not simply a function of a cognitive understanding of men’s behaviors, as important as that is. Nor is a more complete understanding any excuse for failing to sanction men’s sexist behaviors.
While I do not disagree with the proposition that men (and women) should assume responsibility for their sexism, it is an incomplete rendering of a collective sexism, which importantly includes women. The one feeds the other, especially in the youngest among us,
Until boys and girls are provided, from infancy onwards, by both caretakers and society, equal access to cognitive and emotional expression, adults will be but immature examples of their potential. A far too narrow definition of masculinity, which truncates male emotional expression into rigidly acceptable limits in children will continue to result in all the problems we so superficially rail against in adults.
32
@jbg Spot on! I am a radical feminist and I 100% endorse this message! Thank You~
2
Thank you for writing this. Women have only just begun to tell their stories, with #MeToo waking people up to the rampant nature of the problem. But women have always known and complained about misogyny amongst themselves even if it was not socially acceptable to do so in mixed company. Real change, if it is to occur, requires men like Mr. Yancy to speak up. After all, men are the ones comming sexist acts; women are acted upon. Although most men are not actually committing sexual assault, it has become so normalized that many men turn a blind eye when they know that it is going on or don’t criticize men who brag about such acts. The acts of which Mr. Yancy describes himself as complicit in are harmful because they de-value women in ways that cause soul “deaths” by a million paper cuts, causing them to de-value themselves a little bit at a time.
Mr. Yancy is correct that we need to stop viewing sexism (and racism) as a zero-sum game. Allowing one group to gain equality does not lead to another group losing self-worth. In fact, valuing all people as equal makes us ALL better people.
59
@Kristi
"After all, men are the ones comming sexist acts; women are acted upon."
Um...not exactly.
Among children, over 1/3 of victims are boys. 40% of the boys' attackers (and 18% of girls' attackers) are women.
4
@Kristi
"After all, men are the ones comming sexist acts; women are acted upon. " "Mr. Yancy is correct that we need to stop viewing sexism (and racism) as a zero-sum game."
This strongly implies that only men commit these acts, and only women are the victims. You seem to buy in to the zero-sum-game view.
That is simply not true, of course.
I have been patted on the backside by women co-workers, had a female boss make a pass and, when i said not, she fired me inside a week. I was molested for years by my aunt when I was a small child. My mother knew but did nothing. Indeed, over 1/3 of child victims of sexual abuse are boys, and 40% of their attackers are female.
5
@Jojojo
I am so sorry that you have ever experienced anything like that in your childhood or at work. In no way did I mean to imply that boys, or even men, never experience sexual assault. Sexual assault in any form is despicable and should never be tolerated or condoned (silently or otherwise). In that we find common ground and should stand together. I, too, have been sexually assaulted, more than once, and I am sorry for your pain.
My comments were in response to this article, which addresses the normalization of sexism and misogyny - what we now call rape culture. As a woman, and starting when I was a preteen girl, I and most other women and girls have experienced sexism and misogyny that has been institutionalized, but I in no way meant to imply that men and boys do not experience sexual assault or harassment.
1
While the motive behind this mea culpa may be pure, the argument that men alone are responsible for misogyny and men alone can do something about it is patently false. It's women for the most part in North America and around the world who raise boys into becoming men, and girls into becoming women. This means women must also take responsibility for the role they play in maintaining the status quo.
48
@Leigh Your statement that it's "women for the most part in North America and around the world who raise boys into becoming men..." proves Professor Yancy's point exactly. If men took bigger a role in child-rearing, a role they avoid because it has been historically a woman's role, that might be the first step toward change.
73
@Leigh
And, in many parts of the world, sons, especially first-born sons are valued as economic security for the family. Mothers do take pains to make sure their sons fit the masculine norm. Economic progress for women will have to be part of our discussions and our efforts. It seems to me that historically recognition of women's power and women's intrinsic value have followed rising economic power.
10
@Leigh Yes, women raise sons...but along the way, those boys learn, as Yancy describes, that to be vulnerable and emotional is ‘not manly,’ is ‘gay,’ is unacceptable. So boys learn indeed the art of what might better be called ‘soul suicide.’ They cut themselves off from what is emotional because it is seen as ‘feminine’ and weak and ‘less than.’ And to accomplish THAT, they break their emotional ties to their mothers, to what is female, to what is denigrated as ‘feminine.’ They break the normal and necessary attachment bonds to anyone and anything that is seen as female. “Don’t be a momma’s boy.” What substitutes for that gaping absence is the ‘boys will be boys,’ frat boy culture that Kavanaugh’s hearing so clearly demonstrated. These boys become men who are distorted in their humanity, so they are incapable of recognizing and engaging the humanity of the girls and women in their lives. This perversion is also seen in the raping of the earth and its resources: all exists for MY needs and MY gratification. The attachment bond has been lost or perverted as in the fascination with pornography and the general objectification of women. All that is left to fill the hole is competition and domination, which will never feed the true human need. It is a tragedy that women have decried for centuries.
5
Really interesting. Thanks for sharing. I, too inadvertently feel I've reinforced the wrong stereotypes as a man. If you wrote this to get men to think, and hopefully take more action, it worked on me. So much more is needed. So much more...
71
I think at the heart of all of this is our core, human, longingness to feel loved and wanted by the opposite sex. Historically we have gone through many versions of what that means, and I am cautious to rush in and take the blame as a man, which has become popular these days. We might be better served by listening to each other and trying to understanding exactly why the other sex feels the way they do. Otherwise we may fall into the trap of just yelling at each other from across the table. No one form of masculine and feminine is right or wrong. Until we acknowledge that, we will continue to frame and reframe our need for love and fulfillment in terms of power and control, which are themselves proxies for a more fundamental feeling of human longingness which I suspect we have all collectively ignored.
24
The most concerning point in Yancy’s article was how young men are conditioned to varying degrees of sexism and chauvinism. A lot of this behavioral conditioning happens in peer groups, so I do not know of an effective way to address this systemically. However, I say with confidence – if we don’t find a way to address this issue, then there will always be a pipeline of new misogynists.
On other points: assuming this article is intended as a ‘true clarion call’, I don’t think it’s well grounded because it will not go mainstream.
On the other hand, if this opinion piece is more of a device to call out the ways in which ‘silent’ men can be complicit in perpetuation of status quo – then agreed and well said.
We do need to distinguish between ‘toxic’ patriarchy vs. patriarchy. Patriarchies are a natural social construct that have stood test of time for many reasons, not least of which is that they are not inherently evil. Clearly, as noted by Yancy, patriarchal cultures can and do actively contribute to enablement of various forms of male-dominant sexism and even rape. I find the notion of a wedded couple choosing a new surname together to be honorable, and something that I’d like to see become mainstream for many reasons.
I’m not advocating status quo with respect to patriarchies. I’m just saying let’s be clear about which elements are purely toxic, which are a mix, and which are positive.
8
Wow. I am tempted to thank you for this, but just like when my husband is looking for praise for doing the laundry, I will decline. But I cheer you on-- keep working, thinking, understanding! It is our duty as human beings.
213
@kglen Your response suggests that there is literally nothing that men can do to right past wrongs. The false equivalency of your laundry example basically says that men can just be "cheered on, " but not actually partnered with, even if they taking a position that one would think would be welcomed by any "human being," as you say. My honest question for you is what else can a man like Yancy do? He appears to be asking for help and solidarity, not looking for praise.
7
@jd I think she’s connecting with the author’s own point—that men expect to be “thanked when [they] clean the house, cook, sacrifice [their] time. These are deep and troubling expectations that are shaped by male privilege, male power and toxic masculinity.”
Thanking the author for reiterating points that women have been making for years would once again put her in a supplicant position—thanking the man for coming to women’s rescue. Cheering him on keeps them on the same footing, part of a team. You wouldn’t thank your teammate for scoring a basket in a game—that would be weird. You’d cheer them on, as someone who’s playing with you, not for you.
9
I believe her point in not congratulating the writer just as she doesn’t want to congratulate her husband on doing laundry is that why should one be congratulated for stating the obvious, for doing what is right or what should be common, for doing something or saying something that the other party might just say, “well, duh.”
It appears that some folks view showing gratitude as a weakness, that one must submit to another in order to have it. That’s interesting.
Perhaps it’s better to express satisfaction for being affirmed, for being validated. It’s not the writers act that he wrote it that needs gratitude (although this kind of piece needs to be written and read widely—for he woke, then he spoke), but that the first step in solving a problem is to admit you have one.
1
Thanks for being brave enough to share this. Some of it even surprised me, the young males pushing each other to press up against girls. I guess I was oblivious as a girl, and I think many girls are, to such an early interest in sex on the part of boys. Unfortunately, our culture is filled with highly sexualized images of young women in advertising and both sexes are inundated with this daily. Girls think they are supposed to look like the women in the ads, and get the message that the most valuable thing about them is their appearance. Trump plays on this when he denigrates the appearance of women. It is good that we are discussing publicly the problems women and girls face just trying to navigate daily life. Perhaps thoughtful, intelligent men will have a better understanding of ways they can help change the culture. Unfortunately, I fear many other men will continue to think of women not as thinking, feeling valuable human beings with much to contribute, but as primarily sex objects.
24
@Carolyn Thank you Professor, your stereotyping of men was instructive of the dangers of stereotyping any group. I will use your article to teach my students how inappropriate and harmful it is to speak on behalf of others and stereotyping. Especially apologizing for a group.
16
@Carolyn
No matter how enlightened men may become with respect to women, they will always be seen as "sex objects", except, of course for homosexual men. The continuation of the species depends on it. They key is to keep that in perspective while acknowledging all of the other qualities of women as being primary.
2
I would suggest the professor take a deep breath and move on. By the way, I married in 1976 and my wife did not "take my name" - there was no battle. And we tried to raise our boy without forcing any stereotypes, but in the end he ended up a boy and now a man. Nor have I ever stopped appreciating the qualities of a woman's body. I try not to stare, but seeing a beautiful figure, breasts etc is something we men respond to viscerally.
If we did not, it is hard to imagine how men and women would ever mate.
I represent many well educated baby boomers who tried to raise children without stereotypes - but it all came to naught. My nieces became girls and then women with most of what we would have expected and the boys became men as expected. What is different is that my nieces all were educated and expected to work - and they do. But they still behave like mothers to their kids. The fathers do more than my father did, but mother is in charge.
Cannot really fight mother nature.
146
@Terry McKennath
Mother Nature says, “You don’t really understand me, at all.”
“As expected” is the key phrase. Your nieces conform to your expectations.
106
@Rita actually no, these were not my expectations. Do you think the body and its complex biology play no role?
1
@Terry
Obviously the body and it’s complex biology play a role.
It’s just that families and society also play a significant role in notions about child rearing and expectations.
Mother Nature may dictate that a woman is the one who bears the child but doesn’t dictate the respective roles of the mother and the father in child raising.
2
When I speak with even educated, thoughtful men about some of these more "subtle" (to them, not me) issues, I often see a little smile in their eyes that says, "here she goes again," that exasperates me. What exasperates me more, though, is the fact that so many women hang on to cultural norms, such as waiting for a man to ask them out, or ask them to marry, because they feel their value is registered in some positive way by allowing men to act while women wait. Ever waited in a schoolyard to be "picked" for a team? Ever thought about how that affects not only self worth, but even skews what we think we want, when we are not the ones thinking about what WE want, and are instead just hoping to be wanted? I think all of this runs very deep, very early in our lives, and I am shocked that in 2018, women continue to actively support ideas of cultural powerlessness as a mark of femininity. We quite literally think we lose our power if we do the asking. We wait and wait and ask advice columnists how much longer to should wait. Women still seem to want the other-validation of "being asked," rather than the self-validation of choosing. This is so integral and deep in our thinking, that it's hard to imagine much changing before this changes.
331
@Kayle Simon Cultural norms like "men ask, women agree" allow us to form expectations, and indicate who needs to make a decision at a time. If we lose our cultural norms, people become confused. We are in the midst of a change in cultural norms. In many countries, young people have become very confused. They are not forming pairs. They are not marrying. Satisfied?
7
@Kayle Simon
Sorry for your dating anguish. I suspect some of your female acquaintances are waiting for a man to evince serious interest in them. It’s not just an “ask” it’s an “ask” from whom.
Repeated data across cultures and across species reveals many differences in courtship behavior, but one relative constant is that the female is pickier. To break through that female indifference, males use strategies from athletic displays of competence and fitness to peacock displays of wealth to power displays by brute force. We men would not be this way if the females of the past had not rewarded these strategies.
8
@Kayle Simon
All of the married couples I know "agreed" to be married; the Hollywood myth of " will he pop the question" is just that, a myth.
4
True true true. It is not a dodge or an excuse to ask how much our huMAN failing to be huMANe is innate and how much is learned. The more it is learned the more we may hope to do better, but I fear that we are not good enough sustain the effort. A new species is required to do that.
Yes. I have failed to do and be better than I am. How could I not have so failed?
4
Thank you for speaking with us.
Regarding surnames: I think it's time we consider the Spanish model: two surnames of the parents, with the option of putting the mother's surname first (http://civil.udg.es/normacivil/estatal/CC/art/a0109.htm).
And another point in our patriarchal misogyny: the undercurrent evident in women's reproductive care (e.g. Viagra covered under medical plans but birth control considered optional despite hormonal birth control a first line therapy for dysmenorrhea and other uterine conditions); the default of strange men wanting to chat with a women and monopolizing her time because she's attractive when her tone, body language and expression all say "I don't want to engage"; the idea that men lash out and abuse, mail, or kill noncompliant women who don't pay them romantic attentions or break off the relationship; the idea that a man is entitled to a woman's romantic interest despite his low character and behaviour; the "nice guy" who befriends women all for the sake of bedding them as if sex is payment for friendship; the misogyny in STEM fields of study where there is bullying and sexual harassment so women drop out.
It's everywhere, in small and large quantities.
108
@Lmca
One female above criticizes fellow females for waiting vainly for men to approach her, and this writer wants no men to approach at all.
We males are getting a very mixed set of signals from you women these days. You are, and have been, attracted to men of power but you despise men who use that power as they would in area of their lives; to get what they want.
Your example of the Spanish model of naming is inaccurate. First, women in many Hispanic countries, I.e. Argentina, do simply take the husband’s name. In others, like Chile and Mexico, women may retain a surname, but add as a final name de Garcia, or de Lopez, particularly in social situations where distinguishing themselves as a married couple has social value. To my mind having the “de” construction, which literally means “of” or “from” is even more patriarchal than the Anglo Saxon system. Finally, even in the most traditional Hispanic societies, the woman ends with the names of two grandfathers (los abuelos); her own and her husband’s.
2
@Lmca "Regarding surnames: I think it's time we consider the Spanish model: two surnames of the parents, with the option of putting the mother's surname first ."
No. Let's let women decide *for themselves*, as my wife did when we married.
1
@Robert Goodell: Gracias por ilustrar el concepto de el patriarcado y explicarme mi cultura. Sinceramente gracias!
First of all: do not conflate Spain's laws with the often archaic traditions of LATIN AMERICA.
and thanks for the manspalinibg of my own culture!
Thank you for this column. It's a time when the culture is changing and I think some of Donald Trump's "Make America Great Again" was aimed at men who don't like losing their position.
Regarding Judge Kavanaugh, his diatribe revealed a very politically partisan judge who never should have been confirmed for the Supreme Court for that reason alone.
Further, the really sexist culture in which he was apparently immersed in his high school and college years does not bode well for the subliminal shaping of his attitudes as he holds power over the lives of women as he rules on the Supreme Court.
More women on the Court...please.
128
@Jane. Or anyone of a different cultural background than that of the privileged, elite private school alumnus.
5
Self-awareness is key. That's the well-worn but too often forgotten truism that came to mind reading this, and feeling (as a female) the wave of relief described in other comments here written by women. The author's candor is a double-fold gift: first, he exposes and articulates a pervasive malignancy in our culture by exploring his own experiences; second, by doing so he clears a path toward healing. The statement that grabbed me the most: "we named the game." Precisely.
24
Every man knows that they have been "in the room where it happens." Most participate, some facilitate. That's why we get to excuse it as "locker room talk." That has been our fate. We are walking talking sexist superfund sites. Hopefully it is not too late to learn and heal. It would be a hopeless enterprise to apologize for all our past offenses. The best that can be hoped for is to think about what we are doing and change.
75
@John Thank you John. Well said!
1
@John
"walking talking sexist superfund sites" --what a great analogy. Thank you.
It is such a relief to have a man speak women's experience with honesty and rare insight. So many - men and women - have chosen to wrap themselves in the pseudo-legalistic protection of "innocent until proven guilty". We have all been well trained to do this. It takes a high level of introspection and understanding to come to the realizations articulated in this essay. It is so much easier for both genders to walk the beaten path then to own up to the stark reality of what really happens.
The Kavanaugh debacle has been a wakeup call. It is a mirror that reflects back what really happens to women - and men - over and over. Many men truly believe they have done nothing wrong and do not have the self-awareness to challenge their constructed image of themselves. Thank you, Professor Yancy, for writing it down where many can see and maybe learn.
Give yourself credit for the courage to change. I suggest #IAmEvolvingNotToBeSexist.
69
@MJM
Maybe "#IAmEvolvingNotToBeSexist" should begin with yourself. I love it when "innocent until proven guilty" is put into quotation marks by people claiming to uphold liberal values. You write that, "Many men truly believe they have done nothing wrong" and then - in the same sentence - bemoan people who "do not have the self-awareness to challenge their constructed image of themselves."
Thank you. There is something else seemingly so 'small' that even many women dismiss it. That is men calling women honey or sweetie or dear or hon. Whether a total stranger and acquaintance or a neighbor, this regular occurrence has nothing whatsoever to do with an actual intimate relationship. It is about power. The right to use a term of less formality than the relationship might dictate always falls to the more powerful, e.g., in a business the boss calls underlings by their 1st name if he/she chooses while those employees say Mr. Jones or Ms. Smith unless specifically invited to do otherwise.
I have had other women tell me that I am the problem; that "he doesn't mean anything by it" or "it's just habit" or that women like me create the problem by letting it "bother" us. BS! This seemingly small "habit" of many men is just another piece of the view of women as less than men, as their play things, and as people not to be taken seriously.
I am 69. A man in the church I attend, a place where I occasional preach & lead worship, where I am known as ordained clergy, often calls me "little lady." He & wife are longtime members. I know that to tell him off would be viewed as a big negative about me within the congregation. Yet, every time he does it I am so furious I wish I could just haul off and slug him!
222
@Anne-Marie Hislop
I bet if you replied with "I may be little, but I'm no lady" every time he said that, after about three times of hearing that he would stop saying it!
1
As a male clergy person, almost all of whose colleagues in parish ministry have been women, I'm sorry, but not surprised, to hear of the subtle but very real disrespect you've experienced from this man -- and others, I'm sure. Also no surprise to report that as a man I can't recall ever being on the receiving end of such diminishing language in the congregations I've served.
I'm very grateful to my female colleagues over the years who have taught me much about the reality of sexism in the church -- and in me. The details of my history are different from Professor Yancy's, but I share in the underlying reality he names so well. #IAmSexist.
1
@Anne-Marie Hislop
"That is men calling women honey or sweetie or dear or hon. "
Do you really think that only men say this to women, and not the other way around? If you do, you have not really been paying attention.
Even on Progressive MSNBC (my go-to station), I have seen host Nicolle Wallace call male colleagues "sweetie" and reach over to pat their leg or arm. If--for instance-- Ali Velshi or Chris Matthews did that to her, I strongly suspect there would have been a big outcry.
6
It's great to see this in the Times. So much of what Professor Yancy writes is spot-on. However, while all men need to "join in the dialogue" there is a lot more to talk about that informs sexism. His analysis effectively leaves out race, class, urban vs rural, schools, religion, laws, and assumes a binary view of gender. These and other factors inform the structures of the power dynamics that codify and enforce sexism. I urge all the men who read this article, especially white men who can wield their privilege on behalf of others, to speak up and to speak with the women in their lives. Remember that it's a sign of strength to listen and accept criticism of your sexist behavior without "but what abouts" and the like. The best way to respond to women is with changed behavior....privately in your own life but just as importantly when in public. I was one of the protesters in D.C. during the Kavanaugh hearings and wish that my fellow men could have experienced the power of being present with women without trying to "take over", to take to heart all the stories of abuse then take action on behalf of women.
29
@Jeff S.
Good on you Jeff to do your duties to the cause but not expect a voice. Fully agree you should hew the wood and carry the water for the women.
Great post. Thanks. It is important to recognize how traditions reinforce implicit bias. A friend and his wife created a portmanteau of their last names which their 2 kids use as their last name. Not the full last name of each, though.
15
This is incredible. I am almost weeping with relief, gratitude, and a lifetime of frustration. Thank you Professor Yancy for your lucid, heartfelt, and unrelenting rigor in interrogating your own history as a means to understanding how all men in their own way contribute to social structures that damage us all. Women too must look at their own sexism, self-directed and externalized. Sadly, we are not above sexism. Women too may be complicit or active participants, we too must address our internalized, subconscious definitions of gender and behavior. While the bulk of this awakening must come from men, I feel we all have work to do.
216
@Susannah Ray Seriously.
3
Thank you for this, Dr Yancy. Regarding the last name and marriage issue, i.e. the concern that your wife's birth name (often called maiden name) is her father's name and this not hers.... This statement ( shared by many people !) implies females never have their own names...that surnames belong only to sons, not daughters ( hence maiden name). This is an almost invisible form of sexism....when does a name ever become her name for a woman?
I prefer to call the name on a female birth certificate a birth name rather than a maiden name for that reason.
168
@Autumn Flower
His point was that she inherited her father's name, not her mother's, and this perpetuates the allegedly sexist system.
By the way, I think this issue is nuts. By tradition, we picked the husband's family name as the name that survives the marriage. We had to pick one - would the system have been any more or less "fair" if we'd picked the wife's? Hyphens are cop out, by the way. What do you do when two hyphenated people get married? Use a name with 3 hyphens?
4
Thank you Professor Yancy for writing this. I can only hope that men like Bret Kavanaugh will read your piece and attempt to make some changes in their behavior toward women. Am I optimistic they will? No, unfortunately. Many men, and women too, are cheering on the rantings of Donald Trump and his ilk. I am concerned for Kavanaugh's two young daughters. Who will protect them from "soul murder"?
The family name has to be one or the other of the parents. Or we take the risk of medical confusion and societal disapproval. The patriarchal style has been adopted for obvious historical reasons but today is simply a custom. Everyone is free to make the decision every time a child is born and the majority has picked patriarchal because it works well in today’s world. In another place and time other choices would have been made. There is a virtue in picking your battles.
1