When I was 21, I worked in a large hospital as a low-level pharmacy tech. There was a pharmacist (Gordie) who would come to our communal workspace and "come on" to me regularly. I would mock and belittle him, letting him know that I was not interested in him. One night, in front of 2 other co-workers, he grabbed me, twisted my arm behind my back, and insisted I go out with him. He had an erection and pulled me closer to him. I struggled to get away, I was afraid he would break my arm. My co-workers intervened, and he left. We agreed I should report this incident. The next day I described the incident to my male supervisor. He asked if Gordie and I had broken up. Shocked, I asked what he meant. He replied that he knew I had just spent a weekend on a camping trip with Gordie. He did not believe me when I told him that I had never seen Gordie outside of the workplace. Apparently, Gordie had been describing, to other pharmacists, in detail, the various sexual acts I had supposedly performed for him regularly. (this explained the peculiar way the other pharmacists had been treating me) I left the office in tears. My co-workers and other females in the department marched into the office, verified my story and other females told of his similar behavior toward them. Gordie was promoted. I left as soon as I could find another job. The last few weeks have made me relive this incident and others. I thought it was my fault. I still feel humiliated. I was lucky I had witnesses.
9
When I was 17 I had a younger girlfriend, almost 15, with whom I had sex (I was her first and she was mine). In retrospect I realize that even though she was only a few years younger, it was all the difference in our maturity. I didn’t coerce her that I can remember, but she was probably trying to keep up with an older boyfriend and probably really wasn’t ready. In any case I know the fallout was devastating for her - her parents found out, there was a pregnancy scare, we broke up when I left for college, and much drama ensued. It was awful. I am ashamed that I didn’t consider her feelings or understand the damage my actions would do to her. I approached her years later to apologize, but that was well before the #metoo movement and I have been rethinking the whole thing in a less forgiving light.
During my college years and in the immediate aftermath I was also pretty coercive with women in some instances, often drunk and with drunk women who may not have had the agency to consider what they were doing. While it wasn’t assault, it also wasn’t respectful, wasn’t honorable, wasn’t what I want for anyone or myself. How do I reconcile that with my having thought of myself as a supporter of women’s rights, a supporter of women in my male-dominated business, a feminist even? How do I reconcile that with my own identification as a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse? There aren’t easy answers.
11
It was very important for me to see this article. You have no idea - I have somehow had the idea that my experience disqualified me from feeling raped. I was 19 and a total innocent - and I loved him blindly, adoringly. He was 29, 10" taller, 70 lbs heavier, and determined. The only choice he gave me was not whether or not to have sex with him but whether I would be "badly hurt" first. I stayed with him for 8 years after that, and I am generally considered to have been immoral for being with him once I discovered he was also married. I retain the sense of guilt, but he never felt any at all.
3
My best friend was in the hospital overnight and I was staying at her house and sleeping in her bed. In the middle of the night, her 'boyfriend' climbed through the window and raped me. I struggled and said no over and over again but he wanted sex and it didn't matter to him if it was with me or his girlfriend. I was so ashamed. I thought it was my fault and that I'd betrayed my best friend. It took me nearly three decades to acknowledge that I'd been raped and I wasn't to blame.
13
It wasn't rape but I didn't want to have sex with him. I was a college sophomore and he had graduated from the same college but came back for parties (Red flag #1). I did want to kiss him and make out with him but when he pushed for sex I knew I didn't want that. My roommate didn't realize that and left the room. I didn't feel like I had a choice. I felt like I owed it to him, after all, there he was in my room and we had been kissing. He was older and very pushy and I was naïve and flustered. I tried to "date" him after that, but he ended up getting physical with me at a party the following weekend (slamming me against a wall in public). That woke me up. It still bothers me to this day, that I just acquiesced to sex with him but I'm older now and I understand the power dynamics much better and don't blame myself.
13
Luv, if you felt like you had no choice, it was rape.
7
Every single woman in the world has been sexually harassed and/or assaulted... Why, we are 2nd class citizens in our countries, the US included... That Susan Collins would vote YES on this nomination is appalling! Vote all these men and yes WOMEN out of office...
20
@alan haigh
"Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape," by second-wave feminist Susan Brownmiller, explores the question of rape in society as a whole and as an instrument of war. It is heartening to see that so many are now willing to confront this disturbing reality.
The law of natural selection dictates that whoever has successfully impregnated the most females has the greatest probability of genetic survival, presumably passing on to his male descendants the character traits that led to his violent behavior. (This is not to say that men don't have the obligation to exert self-control and overcome those impulses.) At the same time, countless generations of children have been raised as living reminders of their mothers’ victimization, often leading to child abuse, neglect and rejection. Perhaps contemporary women's increased ability to avoid forced pregnancy and childbirth through access to birth control and abortion--a very recent development in our evolution--will eventually help to create a male population with a lower propensity toward sexual violence, while increasing the number of men whose own positive childhood experiences will lead them to treat the women in their lives with love and respect.
5
As someone who was sexually attacked by a highly-placed Silicon Valley entrepreneur (still is, of course) years ago, in a public place in front of others that did nothing, and I said nothing except to friends because a job depended on it -- I understand everything about this piece. I look at Kavanaugh. I despair. They will always get away with it. They will always, always get away with it.
10
@Hypatia-No they won't. Things are changing.
How A Female Engineer Built A Public Case Against A Sexual Harasser In Silicon Valley
https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2017/12/13/568455103/how-...
https://www.forbes.com/sites/geekgirlrising/2018/03/08/women-in-silicon-...
7
I think it is significant that women come forward about sexual assault later in life when the ratio of estrogen to testosterone shifts. I am enraged in ways I never was when this kind of thing was actually happening to me and my friends. These stories show so clearly what women's inner monologues are and their overwhelming concern for how they are being perceived and the welfare of even those who have been cruel to them. I was a champion at taking the blame, making excuses and seeing silk purses in swamps of sow's ears. Although many women fight menopause and try to remain desiring and desirable, to me it has been an enormous relief to move beyond those concerns, and finally be able to call out sexist and misogynistic behaviors and attitudes for what they are.
11
My heart is just plain broken.
signed,
some guy :_(
10
Being female makes one vulnerable automatically in a way no male can comprehend. End of statement.
23
Reading these horrific accounts, I'm struck by the "pathology of nice"--how many of us were raised from girlhood up to be nice; no matter what. We're conditioned to be polite, trusting, to extend the benefit of a doubt. And to overlook behaviors that are inappropriate and cross the line. We're taught to ignore our gut instincts for preservation; the perfect set up to be taken advantage of and not recognize danger and threats that can lead to violence up to including rape. I'm fed-up with being nice.
28
When I was 16, I was asked out by a senior boy from school that I'd had a crush on for weeks. He worked at a local movie theater, and told me that he got free tickets and we could see anything I wanted. He came to pick me up in his mom's car, but he didn't drive me to the theater. Instead he took me to his empty house. He told me to come in for a minute while he grabbed something he'd forgotten. But then he didn't leave. When I complained that we were going to miss the movie, he said, "Chill out! If you want to see a movie that badly we can watch one on TV!" And then he took my virginity on the living room couch while HBO played in the background. I never said no. He asked me out a couple more times, but I always declined. He told my friends he didn't understand why I wouldn't see him anymore. We're in our 40s now. Our parents are still friends to this day. I'm married, he's not. His mom sometimes jokes that I was "the one who got away."
13
I was a college freshman in the early 2000s when an acquaintance from my dorm tried to physically force me to give him oral sex after a party we had attended as part of a big group. He apologized the next morning. An apology seems to be more than most other victims in the story and the comment section got from their attackers, but it didn't take away the trauma. I pushed the experience to the back of my mind for many years, but lately I've been thinking about it daily as a result of the Kavanaugh hearings. I'm sure most of these men wouldn't remember what they did years or decades later, but for the women, it never goes away.
19
Generational gap aside, I found many relationships among young men and women started as sex first while the relationship came later or not at all. Two young people have a physical attraction to each other. After the deed is done, they spend a good amount of effort trying to decide whether they actually like the person they just had sex with.
I'm suggesting these scenarios did not typically involve rape. Some obviously did. Moreover, committing rape while within a formerly consensual relationship is entirely possible. However, more often than not, both parties would describe the act as consensual in the moment. Later though, when you find out the other party is undesirable and acts entitled to your sexuality, the initial encounter begins to feel very much like rape.
In my own experience, I feel as though I was both a victim and a perpetrator. I wonder how the scales would ultimately even out. You get a late night text asking whether you want to come over? Well, you just got booty-called. I went through the same anxiety and emotion anyone would over displeasing a vaguely familiar lover. Should I go? Is she going to be angry? What will everyone else think? Are we even dating? And so on.
No one ever said "No, Stop, Don't" but I'm not sure consensual is the right word either. I think the male interaction with sexual abuse is far more subtle than rape suggests.
12
@Andy-Thanks for your insights describing the confusion that can lead to unwelcomed behaviors on both sides.
1
Please, all of us, men and women: If we take nothing else from this conversation, can we all agree to teach our sons and daughters differently? Can we agree to teach our daughters to respect themselves, and their bodies, and to feel agency over their choices--and ultimately, to not be ashamed over the things they cannot control. And let us not leave our sons out of this! Our sons need to know that aggression doesn't equal manhood, and that drinking excuses nothing. I hope the next generation does better.
18
I was raped by a man I thought was my friend. I was a 16 year old virgin, he was 23. We were both sober. He said he thought it was time for me to have sex. I said I wasn't ready. He said "You're the kind of girl who will never be ready, you have to be forced into it." I went into shock, I could not believe this was happening. A man I thought was my friend turned into a monster. When he fell asleep, I escaped the room and went to the couch where I wrote "rapist" and "raper" on a piece of paper over and over before I too fell asleep. He woke me later, yelling at me, "How dare you call me a rapist?" holding the paper that he tore up.
I had no money, no vehicle, I had no way to leave, I was far away from home. So I walked to the nearest store and applied for a job, it took several weeks to find a store that would hire me and that I could walk to, I worked until I had enough money for a bus ticket, and then I left. I had to have sex with him every night until I could leave.
He said to me "This is what sex is, get used to it." Since I was a virgin, I had no idea how wrong he was. It took me about 30 years to recover from that..... When your rapist was a friend, you don't trust friends after that... And of course when you're a virgin, it completely perverts what you think sex is....
24
At 16 I was raped by a much older co-worker. I was the only young person working there. After work we went out as a group to a bar and the group snuck me in. I remember my rapist offering to drive me home since I had no license yet but taking me to his house instead. I remember his dog eating my cheap shoes. I remember feigning to be asleep because I knew I couldn't fight him off and I had no idea where I was. I didn't yet drive and had no idea what part of the city I was in or how I would get home, especially since my shoes were destroyed. The next day I told my boss and he angrily told me to quit if it bothered me. I went to the police and they blamed me for drinking and pretending to be asleep. My mother blamed me. I accepted responsibility and went back to work feeling deeply ashamed that I gotten myself into this position and terrified I had done something wrong by reporting it. He sent me a huge bouquet of roses, which was beyond confusing. The flowers were beautiful and utterly revolting. The women I worked seemed disgusted with me - not with him - and this further caused me shame. For 20+ years I've only allowed myself to feel shame and responsibility. Only now am I allowing myself to be angry.
91
@Smithy I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your bravery is inspiring. Shame is so deeply intertwined with trauma that Judith Herman (Harvard psychiatrist) has referred to trauma a 'shame disorder.' Anger is a healthy response to such a blatant and manipulative boundary violation.
10
@Smithy
I am so sorry that this happened to you and that no one stood up for you. I would have. You were young and people took advantage of you and your innocence. It was never your fault.
9
What kind of loser 18 year old dates a 14 year old girl? At that age the difference of a few years is huge. When I was a teenager I and all of my friends would have looked at this in disgust and would have harassed the 18 year old about it.
14
Almost a decade ago I had a very brief fling with a guy friend. After I ended it and said I hoped we could remain friends, he said he never sustains friendships with women he doesn't have a chance with. I was clear that I wasn't interested in that way, but still hoped to remain friends. Years later we were out on the town, I drank too much and he suggested I crash on his bed while he slept downstairs on the couch. I fell asleep fully clothed, woke up in the middle of the night to find him...uhm, molesting me. Yelled at him, grabbed my purse and drove home.
We're still friends, though not as close (ha.) I assume he thought he might be able to ignite some old passion, albeit in a crude and ignorant way. As for me, I was naive to put myself in that position and it won't happen again. But anyway, don't assume its just rich, elitist, white Republican males who are sexual opportunists. My friend is a liberal like me, and actively volunteers with Planned Parenthood. He's also one of these "sex positive" types who may not take sex as seriously as the rest of us. They're probably a whole lot more careful these days.
11
The best solution is for men and women to live separately and have prearranged and officially approved sexual encounters.
3
My best friend from high school assaulted me when a few months before graduating. After we experimented with a friends-with-benefits-type situation in the fall of that year, he ended it by insulting me and then wanted to try dating in earnest a few weeks later. I rejected him, and I think he thought he was entitled. I was so ashamed. I stopped spending time with our social group, worried that they knew or suspected. Years later, he described me to his wife as someone he had dated (not exactly). Years after that, he asked me to give the eulogy at his mother's funeral (why?). Years after that, I supported him through an ugly divorce (and his latent shadow side emerged again as a newly single middleaged guy messing with women on dating apps). Thanks to your coverage of the Kavanaugh debacle, NYT, I actually feel like it is my right to never see him again. Thank you thank you thank you.
42
I was sexually assaulted by a co-worker in the early 1980's as a naive 22 year old, fresh from college. I was working on a presentation the next day with my co-workers. They suggested that I bring some presentation boards. I went across the street to the main building to see if any of the art directors were still there as it was after 5:00pm. I found a guy I knew who worked with my then boyfriend. He gave me permission to use his supplies. I walked into his office and began to work, concentrating on my presentation boards and did not notice he had quietly closed the door. Suddenly, I was thrown against the slant board. I struggled to get free and told him I would scream if he didn't let go of me. What I did not realize is that during the attack, he had bitten me around the face and neck. I quickly left his office and returned to the meeting. When I sat down, I could see that all of the men, and I was the only woman, were grinning. One asked me where I was, insinuating that I had been engaged in something sexual. When I replied, "nothing, I was working on my boards", he said, "look in the mirror." When I did, I saw I had marks all over. I was never treated the same afterwords and was eventually forced to leave my job because my situation was intolerable. Every man in the office thought I was a slut. I knew I would never be believed. I still clearly remember the yellow sweater I had worn that day.
22
@j
My profound sympathies. Why didn’t you call 911?
I had a similar experience and I didn’t call or defend myself, so I’m not faulting you.
In the 70’s when this happened to me, confusion and humiliation reigned first. After it continued, I went to the surgery director to complain. He called me a liar, and threatened to expel me. I ended up taking an extra exam in general surgery.
The director died of Alzheimers in 2009. I hope it was long and progressive and he was aware of every neuron pinging him slowly out into the abyss.
10
I was raped by a friend back in the early 1990's back in college. I learned when speaking privately to another woman who was close wit him that he did the same thing to her and others. It was all very hush hush.
Then, one day a bunch of us (women from the group) were having a girls' night at someone's apartment. We drank cocktails, dyed each others' hair, did our nails and talked about sex, relationships, etc.
When the the guy who raped me came up in conversation (and people said nice things about him) I couldn't hold my tongue and shared what he did to me. This was later repeated throughout the group to everyone who wasn't there. The result? I was ostracized from the group, and to this day am no longer friendly or even friendly acquaintances with all but two members of it.
So there you are. Lesson learned. If it happened, keep your mouth shut or suffer twice.
Also... when I went to the campus doctor to get checked for stuff (including checking my anus because it hurt from being raped in there) the doctor laughed at me "Maybe tell Johnny to be more gentle next time"l he said. I was mortified and told no one about this because I knew it would amount to nothing anyway.
I was depressed in general for a long time afterward, and to this day I seem to have PTSD type symptoms that gave me panic attacks during my first sexual encounters with new partners when I was single and dating.
22
@Kitty Meow Meow-Horrified by what happened to you. If the doctor is still practicing--he's likely said similar and worse things to other vulnerable patients. At minimum, a letter to the college calling him out and to the state licensing boards and any other investigative body may help.
8
This is, on the one hand a compelling discussion, largely because of the way in which it reveals what appears to be a common way to process and rationalize the experience of being forced or coerced into unwanted sexual activity.
On the other hand, there is a disturbing lack of context and background to many of these discussions pertaining to consent, cultural attitudes towards the enjoyment of sex by both males and females, and also, whether or not all of us really want to jettison the non-verbal communication and cues that are part of flirting, courtship and romance in favor of interactions that are more scripted and legalistic.
1
Almost all of these stories seem to involve the women consenting. Being pressured into voluntarily making a bad decision sucks, but it's not the same as being the victim of a class A felony.
2
If you think “almost all” of these stories involve consent, you’re just not paying attention.
8
Did we read different articles?
7
To all the women, and those who have shared such personal and traumatic stories, please go and vote this November, that we women need to be taken seriously, and our concerns are genuine, and as a gender majority if we decide, we CAN take back power from those who are acting so irresponsibly. And to those Republican men, this is not a Democratic or Republican issue, a rich or poor issue, but a gender issue that affects all women. Why don't you believe them.
11
Think deeply about it. Try to study different religions and societies. Which society or religion has something to do with preventing such behavior? What is their strategy? I myself find Islam that offers the most effective way to protect women from such behaviors.
1
Indeed, by confining them in mobile tents and placing the onus of stay "pure" on them. Also, if one does not hear of such assaults in Islamic countries, it may have as much to do with their not happening, as with the shame (for women) associated with reporting them.
3
@A
It is interesting how societies and cultures, with customs that go back centuries if not millenia have all previously come up with solutions to these, and other problems.
Sometimes conservatism and tradition have much to offer. But I do not see that most western women would wish to live in a society ruled by Islamic law and customs.
1
I was groomed by an older friend of my father, starting at 14. He was 9 years older than me, and living as a roommate in our house. When I was 16, he told me he wanted to date me, and began making contact with me. I was troubled, already suffering severe depression, forced to never leave home (except for school), and mentally/emotionally abused by my step-mother for several years. I yearned for someone to care, which he said he did. At 17, he took my virginity. I thought I wanted it, to be with him. Shortly afterwards, one day after school, he was arrested for raping a 13 year old twice in our home. My parents allowed him to stay, after he got out of jail. They never asked me if he had touched me. I allowed it to continue, thinking I owed him for something. I knew it was illegal, but I was so lonely, unable to leave home, taking care of my siblings when I wasn't in school. He went to prison when I turned 18, for raping that girl. It took me 6 months afterwards to realize that he used me, that I had never really wanted that disgusting man. I regret allowing this, and hate myself for letting it continue. I never told my family...I know I would get no sympathy, and possibly even shamed for it. My fiance knows, and is helping me heal, even though it has been 6 years. I'm in therapy now, with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. He gets out of prison soon, and I am afraid he may return to my parents home. My sister is there, and she will be 13 soon. I am afraid for her.
14
@K.P.
My sympathies. Can your sister come to live w/ you? Since you parents colluded w/ your rapist, they clearly do not love or care about you.
It took me years to understand this about my abusive parents—that they had never loved me or cared what happened to me. They “double-messaged” and “gaslighted” a lot, so it was tough to see through the fog.
I advise you to stay away as much as possible from your family. It can hurt to realize that they freely chose complicity and not loving you. But that is not about you. That is about them—low, mean, and evil creatures that they are.
5
@K.P.-Please seek support from a rape hotline or other resource such as the Iowa Sexual Abuse Hotline (800) 284-7821 or the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800) 656-4673. Your sister is likely being abused as parents don't magically change. Talk to social services, talk to your therapist--get help about what you can do. He will be registered as a sexual offender but you and your siblings deserve safety and to be out of harm's way.
5
My aunt was my molester throughout my very young childhood. I truly feel the pain of other victims.
I support Ford and all victims, including especially the gymnasts who had so much to do with making an environment in which victims could speak out.
I hope more room is made for male victims to open up, especially when, like me, their attackers are female. I have been ridiculed by females who insist this is not the time for male victims to speak up, that this is a female-only moment. If that is true, then I fear METOO will lose much of its moral authority and power for good.
22
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry this happened to you. I agree we need to be more inclusive in accounting for sexual violence and trauma, which is not limited to women, and I am deeply moved by male survivors who are committed allies.
9
@Jojojo-Please know your story matters. And what happened to you is no less significant and horrifying. I hope you'll continue to get support and speak out. You are not alone.
"I Was Sexually Assaulted by Another Marine. The Corps Didn’t Believe Me."
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/07/magazine/sexual-assault-marine-corps....
4
@Jojojo
Welcome to the movement, Jojojo. I'll stand with you.
((hugs))
7
The sad thing about these stories is that most of the men who committed these assaults don't remember them, as they meant very little to them. And, if accused, they would issue outraged, self-righteous and loud denials, along with accusations intended to detract from the credibility of the accuser (while quietly contacting friends and acquaintances who might remember otherwise to make sure they 'remember things correctly'). Sound familiar?
27
@Katz-I've observed that some people carry deeply shamed- and-wounded cores around sex. And when they act it out by taking advantage of others and get caught--rather that own up they dissemble, double down, and attack their victims. This is less painful than being confronted with the intolerable gap between the good guy image carefully cultivated in public and the shame-based abusive loser in private.
8
I've been assaulted four times by three different guys.
When I was a junior in high school, I was hanging out with me and my boyfriend's best friend. He started, out of the blue, fingering me over my pants. I sat there in shock. After a minute he stopped. He felt guilty for betraying his best friend but never me. I told my dad I was assaulted and he said I deserved it by leading him on. It took me a year to end the friendship because I believed what my dad said. The two are still best friends, even though I told him what happened.
My senior year, I was dating a different boy. I went to his apartment, and we kissed. I didn't want to go any further, but he took off my clothes. I kept saying no, but not leaving. I don't know why I didn't leave. Eventually he made me touch his bare penis and put his fingers in me. I again thought I deserved it. We dated several more months.
My freshman year in college I had a serious boyfriend who knew these things had happened to me. One night, I woke up and he was having sex with me. We'd had sex before, so I didn't think I had the right to be mad. Then he baptized me in the LDS church and I was committed to celibacy. He knew that, but had sex with me again, me lying like a dead fish and crying afterwards. I broke up with him 6 months later, and still had feelings for him 8 years later.
People doubt me all the time because they think it's impossible to keep your abuser in your life. It's not. And everyone who does has a different reason.
16
@Deb-Horrifying events and abuse of trust. I hope you know you are not alone and deserve compassion and support.
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/2014/02/why-my-socks-did-not-get...
2
When I was 16 I pressured my then girlfriend into having sex. I am mortified to admit this. She said yes but only after I hectored her relentlessly. She clearly didn't want it to be a part of our relationship. I rationalized my behavior at the time and afterward, but in the end it was me who chose do behave this way, not society pressuring me, not hormones, etc.
99
@Ashamed Thank you for this. This is the FIRST time I have heard any man speak out from this perspective. The comments and stories from women are (sadly) endless. With so many people who have lived through this, I have been waiting for the men to speak up on their memories of these events. All of these memories can't be just one sided. I think about the man involved in my situation frequently--does he remember? Is he thinking about it as much as I am now?
18
@Ashamed
Tell her how deeply ashamed and sorry you are. It’s not much but it’s something. It could be a letter.
A survivor
27
@Ashamed
Most of us, male or female, have done things we regret, and often we are burdened for life by the memories.
We also may learn most through our mistakes. Even "forgiveness" may not be enough. Nothing may be enough to erase the stains on conscience.
However, we may also wonder to what extent the politically ambitious ever sincerely regret the harm they do to others.
The shamelessly-rigged process to confirm Judge Kavanaugh may remain in history an example of the absence of conscience: faux procedures, faux regrets. Sound and fury signifying corruption of the soul.
Although I haven't been raped, I have experienced boys and men behaving badly, disrespectfully toward me. And I've continued to see them socially. There's many reasons for this but the one reason we don't dare speak is that bad male behavior is not rare. It's common. It's part of the wallpaper of our lives. I'm not saying it's the majority of men but predatory male behavior is so ubiquitous that the only way to be free of it would be to stay hold up in your home and never go out.
77
@cgtwet Part of the wallpaper of our lives.... An unforgettable (true) line.
4
@cgtwet-Understand but by staying silent--isn't that a set up for bad, disrespectful and worse behavior to be acted out on others; younger, more vulnerable teens and women? If we don't stop it, who will?
1
The fact that not one of these women names their rapists is sad and depressing. Apparently, they still take the blame for what happened to them and also wish to protect violent rapists. What about the rest of us? What do you think those rapists are doing today? They know from past experience they can not only get away with it, but also continue to enjoy relationships with their victims.
I am very sorry for these victims that they are still accepting the victim role and fail to do the one thing they can still do - Name the rapists. And, if they don't know the names, they do know the names of the employers and the places where these attacks occurred.
3
IDK - getting sued for slander/libel is no fun. Many years pass-witnesses are gone, isn't worth the effort.
1
Then there is the husband. He was a nice fellow student when you met. Years later when you have children who are very young he tells you he doesn't care whether or not you feel like sex and that he believes that there is no such thing as rape between a married couple. Sure he did what he wanted. But it was certainly the first step toward the eventual divorce. Some men change for the worse after marriage and the strain of parenthood.
44
@M
Thank you for writing this! Now I know I am not alone. After my first child was born, the doctors told me to wait to have sex so I could heal. He did not want to wait a moment longer than the recommended two weeks, even though I said I was not ready. He forced himself on me and I was in pain the whole time. I was shocked and numb after. Who could I tell? This was my husband? Everyone knew and liked him. Later on in our marriage as things began to fall apart, I not always wanted to be intimate with him. He would get angry and say "you owe me!" I was confused..as his wife did I owe him even if I didn't want to? That didn't feel right and I filed for divorce. His mom was so angry with me, said I hadn't tried hard enough to preserve our relationship. Maybe she would have thought differently if she really knew what was going on... I can only hope.
7
I was raped by the boy I had a crush on, in 1973, when I was only 15. I couldn't even drive, yet. He took me for a car drive one night, and drove onto a dirt road in the woods. When he tried to push himself inside me, I didn't even know what was happening. I'd never learned anything about sex, either at home or school. I said, "That hurts! What are you doing?!" and he replied that we were having sex. I'll never forget my actual words: "We can't do that! No!" It made no difference. He was determined to get what he wanted, and I quickly realized there was no way out. I went limp. The next day, he told me that either I sleep with him again or he would ditch me. I was a lonely girl with no friends who was being abused at home, and I was desperate for someone who cared. I remember clearly thinking, "I don't want this, but now I'm used. It doesn't matter anymore." I still had a crush on him, though I was crushed with disappointment over his demand. We dated for nearly a year, with him regularly insisting on sex, even when I was sick. When he cheated on me with someone else I was so sickened I cut off my long hair and turned inward in deep despair. I thought about committing suicide, and came close. For some reason, I carried a torch for him for decades, after: He was the first person to show an interest in me. The experience undermined what little self confidence I had, before. I never told anyone about the rape. I never even thought about it as rape. Until now, 45 years later.
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@L Yes you do understand. There is a dynamic here too in a marriage when children take the mother's energy and attention. The father wants attention he used to have and demands it without any sensitivity. It really is cruel to the wife and mother who feels her mother work is undervalued and unappreciated. To be told her desires do not matter is horrible given that a mother is often dependent on her husband for support. To be threatened and not supported is the worst.
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Thank you for sharing your stories, everyone who contributed. I have also been a victim of sexual assault -- and it's terrifying, a fear that never really goes away. I have also seen the men who assaulted me in "polite society" later on. You are expected to say nothing and move on. I was told, even by other women, to forget about it, avoid the creep if I could, move on, say nothing -- it would only be painful and embarrassing for me, as I would be marked as a "victim" and someone who was "damaged." Our society has tolerated aggressive, violent sexual behavior from men, and the time has come for that to end for good.
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@Sorka-Absolutely agree! I'm sad that so-called polite social conventions set girls and women up to be victimized; as well as women who enable and cover for abusers by looking the other way. There's a lot of work we have to do to unmask this sickness so that people with predatory patterns don't go on to intimidate and victimize others. Books like "The Betrayal Bond" and "Sex in the Forbidden Zone" show how unchecked power and authority can rationalize abuses and what to do about it. I also found www.chumplady.com helpful for calling out abuse. Clear-seeing and support can go a long way toward shutting this behavior down.
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None of these stories surprise me. Stories in this NY Times piece include the terms "took my virginity" and "took sex from me." Boys and young men were often told to try their luck and amid this luck-trying, many girls had sex taken from them and were "taken advantage of" by older, more muscular boys and men. Most male dominated religious cultures groom girls to be compliant, agreeable wives and helpmates. The religious cultures who claim to uphold purity, chastity and sexual morality sexualize girls and boys from the moment they are born. Notions of sexual morality trap and silence victims of sexual assault, be they girls used as sex toys by neighborhood boys, or boys and young men used as sex toys by clerics or TV evangelists. Women help perpetuate this system. Address the system.
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I could not believe my eyes (and ears) that while Trump was mocking Dr Lord at his rally in Mississippi, the women visible behind him encouraged and egged him on. Maybe things really are different down there.
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@Michael
The one good thing is that the internet has an unending memory. Their faces are forever laughing and cheering for a man who bragged about grabbing women by the ... and mocks a woman's testimony, just to whip up the crowd.
One day those women may have to answer when a granddaughter asks why they think rape is something to laugh at ... why it's okay to squeal in delight when a man mocked a woman because she remembered being groped, but not how she got home that night.
Or maybe they've already gone home and their own mother looked them in the eye and told them how she was raped when she was a young teen.
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Add my name to the list of college date rapes. Saying no didn’t work and I kept dating him trying to normalize or make legitimate the horrible event. I felt enormous shame so I couldn’t tell anyone, and lived in fear of getting pregnant and under the influence of this person for a year before I came to my senses and broke it off. I was so innocent and naive, knew nothing about sex until this happened. The experience deeply influenced all future relationships and it wasn’t until years after that I truly felt and expressed all of the rage of being assulted.
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@Carolyn I'm 63. A lot of women in my generation learned that assaults were our fault. Our role was to be the sexual gatekeepers. Guys were free to try anything; we were supposed to stop them and keep them under control. I was 4'11" and weighed 95 pounds in high school. Many of my dates (we did actually date back then, where a guy asked you out and came to your house, met your parents, and picked you up) were a foot or more taller and outweight me by 50 to 100 pounds. None ever assaulted me, but looking back, I honestly wonder if I could have fought them off had they tried.
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If a person is attacked, chooses to keep silent, and there are no other witnesses, I'm not sure what society at large can do. I'm sure there's room for improvement in the process of reporting and investigating sexual assault, but it is better than it used to be. On college campuses, where there are credulous administrators, counselors and other support for the victim, and a lower standard of proof, we are told there are epidemic levels of sexual assault but still almost no reports.
What can we do about a massive, widespread problem when the victims of that problem choose to keep it secret?
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@Tom You remove the stigma of reporting the incident. As a society, we remove the shame of the victim. We educate men and women, boys and girls.
It seems that you are trying to make this the victim's problem for not reporting the attack.
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Don’t you see and hear how women are treated when they speak out? It takes courage to put yourself through still more abuse—and threats.
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@Tom, the victims aren't going to keep it secret any more. So prepare for the response: attackers will get more aggressive, while painting themselves as victims. See Trump and Kavanaugh.
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It's important to recognize nuance. The article title mentions rape, but among some very serious situations it also includes an example of a male friend briefly groping a woman in a car after her husband passed away. This seemed to me like a very uncomfortable and disappointing situation, but more like a bad move rather than criminal abuse. I'm a woman with strong feminist convictions, and nonetheless recognize that sometimes men try to establish a connection in inappropriate ways. In those cases, moving the errant hand away (like the lady ultimately did) is actually more appropriate than feeling too victimized and/or involving the criminal system.
If the average man becomes too afraid of women's interpretation of his behavior, it may make things worse for the average woman. I think all professional women recognize the disadvantages of having male colleagues tiptoe around them on eggshells. We need to raise Metoo awareness in both sexes, but if it veers into hyper-awareness, it's also conceivable that a generation of extremely cautious men and very sensitive women might make it harder for young men and women to pair off, on average? I just think we should give men a break and not lump rape together with being handsy if both parties are adults.
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@Atlantan I don't think excuses should be made for inappropriate male behavior. While the grieving widow was not raped, it is really inappropriate to grope her in the car after the funeral! I can't imagine comforting a grieving male widower by putting my hand in his crotch.
Men and women in America no longer occupy separate spheres: we work together, socialize together, etc. There is no excuse anymore for "men who try to establish a connection in inappropriate ways". Women are expected to be socially and emotionally mature in relationships--so should men. Immaturity and groping a woman should not be excused as just trying to make a connection.
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@Atlantan Years ago, being "handsy", not brutal and the response was how we established boundaries.
Judging the past by whatever are the expectations today is to misunderstand what was going on. An example: people simply up and living together and popping out children without yet or ever intending to be married was, in those days, unimaginable, scandalous. A top movie star was actually blacklisted for "such conduct!"
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@Atlantan I will hold my breath for the day "male colleagues tiptoe around [women] on eggshells." Frankly, I'm tired of people trotting out their alleged feminist or egalitarian credentials to argue "it's worse for men to be uncomfortable than for women to be sexually assaulted."
We can "give men a break" (!!) when men give women a break from unwanted sexual advances up and down the spectrum.
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As a guy, I am appalled at the way that sexual abuse is woven into our culture. That parents don't prepare their children for the possibility is astounding. But then it is so intimately woven into the fabric that we have not been able to recognize it. Until now? I am not aware that my children were molested or abused, but from the evidence, I may be the last to know. I was emotionally abused by my mother. Once. It takes so little to make such great harm.
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@HT-Beyond sexual abuse--there's profound ignorance. "According to a survey of more than 3,000 18- to 25-year-olds published last year by the Making Caring Common project, which is part of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, more than 60 percent of respondents had never had a single conversation with their parents about how to be sure that your partner wants to be having sex with you. A similar share had never been told about "the importance of not pressuring someone to have sex with you.”"
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/29/opinion/sunday/sex-education-ethics-a...
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Thank you so much for publishing this. Sexual assault is extremely complicated, especially because many times it's by a familiar man you trust. Two boyfriends, 15 years apart, have sexually assaulted me, and I went back with them - I realize now in a subconscious way to regain power and normalize or dissipate what happened before. I thought I was the only one.
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@RDM
I have a sad story for you.When I was an impoverished medical student in the 1970’s,I went to the faculty gynecologist designated to treat women medical and nursing students. I was a virgin, but wanted to get an IUD. The gynecologist was interested in that and asked me who I intended to have sex with (like it would be a cast of thousands).I replied, “My boyfriend.”
W/what I now know to be his prurience,he eagerly helped me onto the exam table, and did a pap smear but left his fingers in my vagina, while stroking my outer genitalia.He said,“Most men don’t know how to treat a woman right. I’ll show you what’s right.”
I protested,but I was in an awkward position on the table w/ feet in stirrups,and he was insistent.He fondled me to climax. Then he left the room.I was shocked & didn’t know how to understand it. 2 months later I found myself returning to him to have the IUD removed b/c of problems.The fondling was repeated.
I managed not to return again,and I think my repeat visit was a desire to undo the trauma and have it come out differently.Trauma victims commonly do this “repetition compulsion” over and over to achieve a more acceptable end.
I was ashamed and humiliated for years,in part b/c I hadn’t reported him. A nursing student did,and his license was revoked.Why had I not thought to report him? B/c I thought I was the only one and that I had done something wrong. He moved to Pittsburgh,shortly before Three Mile Island. I hope he died of radiation poisoning.
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I wish I could understand why so many women think Brett Kavanaugh should be confirmed? But then someone would have to explain to me why any women voted for and admire Donald Trump in the first place.
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These are ALL horrific stories. I assume these girls/women were in SHOCK at the time and Frozen? My question is why, why, why NO Retaliation . . . even Years later? A public SLAP, Bottle to the Head, overturned table or run over with a CAR?
I was raised in the So Bronx. You can't STOP these men but you can make them sorry . . .
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@Sas Look at what's happening now and you have your answer. Assaulting these men back will lead to charges against the woman if she does it. Her life will be ruined, not his. Again, just look at the drama we've been watching unfold. There's your answer: even if he did do it it was years ago and doesn't matter to him or to the people voting for him. She must be lying or she's trying to destroy a good man. The best is the attack on the Democrats and that this is all for Hilary Clinton's loss.
My favorite excuse is that it's meaningless because Ford didn't report it, it was 36 years ago and she doesn't remember every detail. Therefore because of that and because Kavanaugh says that he 100% never did it, he didn't.
All of this is why women and teenage girls do not bother to report these things. If we're not physically injured and have no visible injuries to prove it we aren't believed.
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@Sas
Personally, it wouldn't make me feel better to do that. I'm a gentle person. The legal realities of it would also be undesirable, but honestly I just don't enjoy the idea of hurting someone.
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Revenge is a meal better served cold. I would never forget someone assaulting me and would certainly exact retribution even decades later.
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I really think these men need to be named and called to account, even decades later. Let them howl and whine and deny - like Brett - let them all trash their victims, trash women, trash liberals. Let the world see the range of men, hiding in plain sight, pillars of the community, who rape and abuse. Let them see it's not just Ford-Brett, it's legions of Fords and Bretts and the Bretts all sound the same - not a drop of accountability, all denial, all indignation, all victim, all the time. Not one of these monstrosities has ever said: I did it, I am so sorry for what I did to you. Not one. Let us see what the GOP is about to put on the Supreme Court. Now we'll have two abusive whiny angry men judging for the country.
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@Lively B-This is especially important because teens and men who harass, intimidate, and sexually abuse others often go on to harass and abuse others. They hone their approach and may not stop at just one victim.
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This is not to belittle anyone coming forward with any injustice, but we have to remember that just because a woman has sex with someone when she really didn't want to, does not make it rape. Even if the guy is a jerk, and says stuff like "oh come on baby", etc.
Once, when I was 14, I fooled around with three older boys in a van. I enjoyed it. That for me, has always been liberating. I am lucky I was never raped.
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@Alexia No. When a woman has sex when she didn't want to, that is, actually rape. It's against her will.
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@Alexia, I've had sex with a woman because she wanted to that I didn't really want to and that definitely makes me a jerk, in my opinion. But I'll expect no tears shed for me and I don't want them anyway. I agree, there are legitimate victims and then there are the wannabes that only ruin it for the real ones.
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@Alexia
No it doesn't and most women are smart enough to know the difference between "fooling around" and sexual attack.
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I was married to a man who used to scream at me and sometimes physically abuse me if I refused to have sex with him. He wouldn't stop until I relented. We were married for 20 years and have a child in common. I never told anyone because I didn't want my son to know what his father did.
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@Trisha
I understand your feeling, however, martyrdom is what women are taught and sons who love their mothers need to know this is not normal behavior. I don't mean to preach, but I asked my mother not to tell my brother about what my stepfather had done. She immediately told him that I accused my stepfather of something untrue, making up some excuse that my brother swallowed.
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@Trisha When I read stories like yours, I try to imagine what life is like for women who are forced into marriages as girls or teens and not allowed to leave the house without male accompaniment. This is small comfort for the 20 years of awful memories, but at least in America, we can leave our abusers and have a reasonable chance of making our own way in the world.
2
@Katz
My life is much more pleasant now. I stayed for many reasons, all of which seem stupid now. But shame was a huge obstacle. Shame because my family was devout Catholics and no one had ever divorced. Everyone stayed married and if it was working out, then you should just try harder.
About a year after I finally divorced him, I put myself in therapy. I was an emotional mess, jumping from depression, to fear, to rage, uncontrollably.
I can understand each of these comments. I was 13 or 14 when the family doctor molested me. Like many molesters he knew he could get away with it with me. He'd seen how my parents treated me. He knew exactly how to appeal to me and he did it. It was not my choice to be molested or to have a "sexual awakening" in my early teens. I didn't ask for it when I went to his office during off hours. He was nice to me. He said I could come. He told me that he could help me become a physician. So I came and he did what he wanted.
He didn't hurt me physically. He hurt me by taking away from me a choice that I should have made. He proved to me that I was just a piece of meat to be manipulated by him, by my parents, or anyone who wanted to. My parents were abusive and not affectionate towards me. If there's one thing all parents should know it's this: physically and verbally abusing your children sets them up to be abused by others. You are teaching them that their bodies are not inviolate, that they have no right to expect to be treated with respect.
I never told my parents about the doctor, about how I cut myself to shreds for years, or what it felt like to be betrayed by people I should have been able to trust. I learned the lessons well: what I wanted or needed didn't count. And our senators and others who support Kavanaugh, who supported Thomas and others like these men prove it over and over again.
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@hen3ry
I have followed many of your insightful comments over the past few years. I recall you writing that you had been abused by your parents. Now I learn about abuse by a doctor. I am so sorry that you went through that. I give you a hug from a distance. You have enormous gifts of critical thinking and insight, and the ability to write well. You have taught me and others with this latest post.
Peace, and thank you.
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@hen3ry-My heart goes out to you as well as a promise that we will change this.
"When a child is sexually abused, it breaks bonds of trust. It is a violation of the sovereignty of the self and one’s zone of physical intimacy. It is an action of developmental exploitation. It is a spiritual act of violence that attacks not only the body but also the mind.” — Charles Bow, 6/1/2015
3