My 11 year niece is in 6th grade at a private catholic school with four other girls in her class. The other girls can best be described as "homely". One of their mothers, a tatted-out overweight bully herself, has decided to exclude my niece from organized activities with the other girls on the grounds she's not Catholic (we're Episcopalian).
It's made an excellent life-lesson for my niece on religious bigotry and also how adults are just as rude and obnoxious as teenagers.
7
I'm sorry, how is it relevant that the other girls are homely or one of the mothers is overweight?
10
@mcb My guess is her daughter is not homely and she is being bullied because of the other girl’s insecurities. Most bullies are insecure, and in girls, that can show up in looks unfortunately.
The overweight comment is most likely a defense to the fact that her daughter is dealing with bullying in her school. I’m sure she could have said a lot worse.
2
I loved these tips! I’m pregnant with my first daughter and bookmarked this to keep on hand 10 years from now. My father always said “At least no one was shooting at you.” which is a helpful mantra even in work failure situations. Now if only we can shake the people pleasing gene...
2
@Lauren
That’s great! „At least no one ...“ fits always - and its so simple.
Good luck with your daughter, and don‘t wait 10 years.
1
@Lauren Infants and Mothers, by T. Berry Brazelton. Best advice ever: Allow your infant/child tell you who he/she is and nurture their own authentic self. Brazelton was a terrific guide for new moms, especially those of us who, as girls, were not seen and nurtured for our innate strengths. All the best to you.
My mother said, "At least you weren't eaten by lions." Thanks for the thought, Mom.
5
I really enjoyed this article, and wish that my mother was able to offer these comforts during my own adolescence. In response to previous comments, the reason this article is focused on girls is because of the significantly lower rates in confidence girls experience versus boys in the same stage of life. I also think these tips could be very useful for children who have anxiety or experience panic attacks.
5
Enroll your daughters in Girl Scouts. If you can, be a volunteer. The all girl environment is proven to be a more supportive environment where girls feel safe to try new things, fail, and try again. There is opportunity to be involved in a vast array of experiences and confidence building activities.
That is my wholehearted recommendation.
20
I have rwo daughters ages 17 and 14 who experienced this confidence plunge. They're in high schooll now, and they're slowly building their conference back through risk. This is the best article I've read on the subject by a country mile.
12
There are so many places where I could express this but I wanted to start some place where all children are facing difficulty with confidence, anxiety and trauma. I may not have the backing of statistics mentioned in this particular article, but I speak as a parent who is on the front line with many other parents taking care of boys & girls finding that the experiences for many families and children knows no gender division.
I'm a mom of 1 son with autism & Tourettes & another son who was chronically bullied for his perceived sexuality at 11 & sexually assaulted by another student we are deeply in need of inclusive space for the conversation to evolve to the future belonging to all our children & their experiences. I have felt isolated going thru intensive therapy for my son this past year w/a national conversation that continues to exclude children on all levels of humanity, ability & gender spectrum .Boys continue to be left out of the evolving conversation.
I could link articles on the statistics impacting the emotional development, bullying, & cognitive delays that result for all children facing varying degrees of challenge and trauma and the lack of resources & meaningful, tangible support from our school systems & health care.
As a woman, as a mother as a #metoo, can we widen the lenses of our consideration for all children? Part of the solution for all that is erupting now is inclusion & balance in reporting stories and representating the future of all children.
19
@MR I agree that this story is applicable to all children and I hope parents of boys will translate it for themselves!
5
@MR - I agree 100% and have said this for years.
5
I’m a 30 year old man and I still struggle with confidence, feeling comfortable taking risks, and catastrophic thinking.
4
Interesting article. Nowadays so many specialists and volumes and volumes of literature is available to the parents and children as well. When we were growing up nothing of that sort was there. Our elders were the only people who did their best all the time in showing us the right path. We are thankful to them for what they have done for us. There might have been few books, which we were anyway unaware of.
2
I’m so tired of this myopic focus on girls. Why doesn’t anyone see how much boys need help? They are so far behind girls in so many skills, trapped in an educational system run by women that rewards female behavior. This article should be edited to replace the word girl with child.
29
You seem to have missed the part of the article that said girls’ confidence tends to plummet, while boys’ confidence continues to rise. Of course, this article can be applied to anybody, but it’s important to acknowledge what’s happening to our girls in this toxic culture and what we can do about it.
23
@Nicole MAYBE the culture is toxic because we are not paying enough attention to boys? Has this ever crossed your mind?
3
@RoseMarieDC Our society is all about boys. Where have you been?
13
This article couldn't have been more timely. Just yesterday I was sobbing to my daughter's guidance counselor over how I felt her losing her confidence, how I have seen this pattern happen from age 10 onwards to so many young girls. I am livid that the teachers, predominantly female, do not recognize this is such a widespread pattern in girls' development. Did we not read that terrifying text by Dr Piper? Where are the empowerment workshops, the role modeling, the girl exhalting that should be happening to keep our daughters from slipping into depression, lack of self esteem and confidence? It seems even more ironically biting that this is still happening in the age of #metoo.
This is not just a psychological issue; it must become political. Any ideas?
16
@Irene I just finished reading the article myself (it was recommended by a colleague). I actually do an empowerment program for young girls and their moms. It's called "Motiv8: 8 Ways To ROCK Your Own World" and it teaches 8 critical skills to help improve the most important relationship: the one we have with ourselves.
I'd love to connect with you about bringing it to your daughter's school or to another venue (I do it in libraries, community centers, religious institutions, Girl Scouts, etc). If you'd like to connect, I'm at sheira at sheirabrayer dot com.
You're so right - this is so needed ESPECIALLY because of #MeToo. We can't have a women's empowerment movement without actually showing women and girls how to FEEL more empowered. That's the gap I'm looking to bridge.
Thank you for your important comment and I look forward to connecting.
2
I agree that workshops would help all students who experience confidence issues, but placing responsibility on “female” teachers seems sexist and irresponsible. If parents can’t recognize and advocate for their 1-3 daughters, how are over-tasked teachers expected to recognize personality issues in some of their 150 students who, by the way, rarely answer a single question in class, much less share personal information. Stop pushing your parental responsibilities on teachers. We have our hands full with the educational requirements for your children.
13
@Kimberly M
Thank you Kim! Well said!
The rest of the advice is good, but "Change the channel. Immediately after a disaster, do not analyze what went wrong,... Before rational thought can ensue, she needs a break. Have her take 30 minutes, or three hours, to do whatever will allow her brain to switch gears and take a breather. She can read a book, watch a show, play with the dog, kick a ball or take a walk" is ridiculous.
After a disaster, who can concentrate on reading a book or watching a show, or play with the dog, take a walk, etc., without ruminating on the disaster? None of those activities interferes with thinking, most encourage it.
If you want to shortcircuit the ruminating, better to do something that requires intense concentration, like playing an intensely active competitive game, video or other.
4
When a boy makes a mistake the Dad says he has learned a lesson in life. When her daughter errors the mom believes the daughter has a character flaw etc. moms need to stop the criticisms of your daughters.
25
@I saltzman: I think largely this because women fear so much that their daughters will not succeed socially or in the larger societal competition for mates (and now, for scholarships and internships and careers and acceptance to Ivy League schools, etc.)
The mother sees how much society values physical beauty, popularity, good grades -- and is both angry and terrified if her daughter is failing at any of these. (Today, you can probably add "sports", though not 30+ years ago.)
The mother herself -- probably roughly 35-50 years old -- sees her own aging, and lack of desirability, and what she has or has not achieved in HER life due to looks or weight or social skills -- and wants to correct her daughter lest she go down the wrong path, because the mother feels keenly every area in which SHE HERSELF has not succeeded (or wants desperately for her daughter to EMULATE her great successes).
You'll notice that 90% of the "criticisms" surround diet, weight, eating and only a relatively few about things like hygiene, grades, etc.
Women very effectively pass onto their daughters orthorexia….disordered eating (even short of a clinical health risk)….obsession with numbers on a scale….obsession with dress sizes….even women who mean well, cannot keep THEMSELVES from this behavior and "little pitchers have big ears".
1
I would dearly like to know how much of this loss of confidence is intrinsic, as suggested in this article, and how much is extrinsic, caused by the way the boys start behaving towards girls at this age.
It would be a clue if girls who attend all-girls' schools retain significantly more self-confidence than do other girls, and if those who not only attend all-girls' schools but also have limited social contact with boys suffer even less loss of confidence. Has anyone looked into that?
Another clue would come from somehow figuring out how much loss of confidence in non-social areas, especially in intellectual areas, is real and how much feigned due to a belief that doing too well in school is socially undesirable.
21
Karen: someone has looked into that. Educational research going back to (at least) the ‘80s suggests that adolescent girls - and boys - educated in single sex environments have fewer struggles with confidence than adolescents in co-ed environments. Find out more by looking at what comes up when you search google scholar for ‘school’, ‘single sex’ and ‘confidence’.
13
@Karen: yes because we all know it worked out BRILLIANTLY in the early 1980s in Maryland, where young Brett Kavanaugh and young Christine Blasey -- from affluent families with every privilege in life -- went to SINGLE SEX private academies.
At the minimum, it stands as proof that just limiting kids in SCHOOL to a single sex, is not going to remove dating or sexual competition from their lives -- and certainly not curtail things like rowdiness or drinking.
1
Yesterday my 13 year-old was voted class President of her class. In France, where we've lived for just a few years and where her French is far from perfect (she apparently promised the kids cats instead of tag). Her American friend told her it was ridiculous to run; the French kids would never vote for her. Except that they did, gaining more votes than the three French kids she was running against. She also asked to be boosted up to high-school level acting class (granted) and joined an adult dance class.
There are a lot of generalizations in that article but I think a large part is that American kids, especially girls, are too coddled and sheltered. You're not doing your child any favors by helicoptering in and protecting her from the world. Don't get me wrong: she's tried plenty of things that didn't work and it wasn't a big deal. If things don't work out they don't, but she's never had trophy prizes (she got them when we still lived in the US but we'd take them away). She's a sore loser and, for the most part, we're just fine with that.
It's unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a child, boy or girl, to magically gain confidence or believe confidence is something that can be given by parents. Confidence has to be earned by a child. That cannot happen unless a parent supports a child which, in the case, means encouraging a child to push to the limits on her own.
14
but are the classmates going to get their cats??
17
@Michael You had my attention until "I think a large part is that American kids..." You speak of a lot of generalizations on the article, and then proceed to make one yourself. Have you lived in other countries? Have you interacted with 10/14 yo girls in other parts of the world besides Europe? Have you been to the US for anything other than tourism? I have, and I can tell you that girls, from Mexico to Namibia, face similar problems. It is not helicoptering parents, it is a patriarchal society reproduced by adults, both men and women. If we want to change the patterns, as another reader pointed out, then we need to include both boys and girls in our strategies. Boys should not gain confidence at the expense of girls losing theirs (or vice-versa). We can show them better, not only in the US, but throughout the world.
9
I’m currently in this boat with my 13 year old, a passenger while she navigates through this period. I’m finding my role is most effective guiding her through the “reset the channel” phase. Less hashing it out, less what went wrong, less how to reset from me, but more “let’s shake it up with baking together, having a spontaneous outing, planning a get together with friends or family. She remembers and values those recovery periods more than what feels like being schooled for the next try. At 13, she’s got that part!
11
What I did (because my daughters are almost 27 and 43) was allow them not to be great (or perfect) at everything, and tell them that "courage isn't the absence of fear, but doing what you have to do, even though you are afraid." Those seemed to help.
12
I think this is great advise! I thought my daughter at 13 was not listening to me because she would tell me or show me she wasn't. I kept telling her about my scary times when I persevered. When in high school she had to write about a person in her life who she admired, she wrote about me and my failures and rebounds. Now after many years of ups and downs, we are very close, affectionate and loving like we were before she became a teen.
This article provides excellent advice to parents. I think you can't assume they are not listening. Just keep remembering how they were as toddlers and young children. They often come back if you show love, vulnerability and kindness. It isn't easy, but it's worth it.
14
Nature tricks women in their childbearing years into lack of confidence, where they feel the need for someone more capable to look after them. This perception of their own inadequacy is fake, phoney, fraudulent - and powerful.
Men who fit the mold as protectors are older, taller and seem more confident; which, as in Donald Trump, is often fake, phoney and fraudulent. There are infinite ramifications of this on both sides of the gender divide.
12
Kids don’t want parents hovering. Two easy things: don’t criticize and keep your own parental anxiety in check. You have to believe in your girl to help her believe in herself. She will pick up on your feelings of fear and uncertainty. Finally, help her find something she can master on her own and be good at. Success builds confidence. I was an extremely anxious child undermined by a critical mom. But, my dad got me into the hobby of dog training which I loved. I had some failures but learned a lot about hoe daily work adds up to long term success.
18
This is totally unrealistic - very few tween girls will go along with this. And, most importantly, it misses the point completely. The problem is male overconfidence, not female underconfidence. The problem is the environment, not the girls. We need to change the environment to solve this confidence gap, and look at it from the other point of view: the lack of willingness and ability of men to exercise healthy self-doubt. Then things will rebalance. Stop making propaganda that to make this an equal society we need to change ourselves. We're good and so would our girls be, if society would be more friendly to them. This is just wildly hurting the cause.
29
I wouldn't say that males are overconfident, especially at that age. Society expects them to exude confidence or die, sure. But I didn't grow up with any male who was even truly confident, let alone overconfident.
A select few could fake it for a bit, but they also didn't have dads who were terrified of being seen without makeup or were raked by anxiety when the image of themselves and their families was less than perfect.
4
I disagree. These techniques can help anyone no matter the gender. Plus this helps a girl to mature and take charge of her life. it helps her no matter what other people do. Empowered girls can change the world. Besides boys this age aren't do confident themselves, maybe they show it differently.
7
Reading this, I wondered if their recipe for success (or failure) was practiced on real tween/teen girls! Mine certainly would not have participated willingly is this sort of parenting. I had to sneak in messages about growth, life, failure, success on the fly.
8
Dismantling the culture of patriarchy and misogyny, the ideology of male supremacy and eliminating the ubiquitous porn culture are the only real and effective solutions to the decrease in girls' confidence that happens in the teen years.
The teen years are when sexual harassment and assaults become common and ordinary, something almost every girl is subjected to. The teen years are when the girls learn that they are only seen and valued as sexual objects; that appearance, beauty and sexiness are paramount; that the world is dangerous for girls as males will prey upon them whenever there is opportunity.
One partial solution is to educate girls at girl-only schools. That way the girls can be valued for their brains, they will not have to compete with bully boys who talk over them and command all the attention in the room.
33
Yes, this. The first time I was flashed and then chased by a man was at age ten. The tweens is when girls discover they are prey. It is deeply damaging.
7
The last (and only good) suggestion has the added benefit of meaning boys can finally be taught in a manner that fits their energetic and more aggressive classroom style, rather than having mostly female teachers teach (and discipline them) like they were girls.
3
Like Georgetown Prep. And then release the hounds.
15
The suggestions here make some sense, and are consistent with extensive empirical research findings stemming from Albert Bandura’s Self-Efficacy Theory. And while the focus here is on girls, many of the same factors affect boys as well. Differences of any kind, particularly, don’t play very well at this time in development. Key here is the true AVAILABILITY of a very caring and tuned in adult model, preferably at home, who can help the tween/teen process and, as necessary, reframe her experience. This requires TIME, a very precious commodity in frightfully short supply. The home also needs to become a fortress against the otherwise relentless influence of social media. Another prerequisite is that adults outside the home, such as teachers and coaches, foster a welcoming environment, so that tweens/teens feel safe enough socially to explore their talents and abilities. Community alliances to prevent bullying and relational aggression, established before the tween years, would also contribute to a climate favorable to self-efficacy. I’d be the first to suggest that these preconditions are difficult to achieve, given the priorities of broader society.
15
this to do list lacks real discussion on this topic. first point to consider, is a drop in confidence actually a problem? a drop in confidence usually comes with deeper self reflection and a certain early maturity that many boys lack. why is confidence a goal imposed by our culture as a strictly positive attribute? maybe because it's an attribute that benefits capitalism. and why isn't there a todo list for boys on how to manage (generally an unwarranted high level of) confidence and be aware of how that effects others around them? can we get an article on self reflection training for boys? likely we wont because as usual we ask woman to act like men to "make it" in our society but wont ask men to be more like women because it would be seen as "demeaning." i was deeply disappointed to see three women wrote this article that reinforces these old damaging patriarchical structures where the responsibility to perform/change is placed strictly onto woman/girls without any responsibility placed on how men/boys develope. our larger cultural/political division that we are currently enduring starts here. how do we develop better citizens across the board? most likely we have to learn from each others strengths and not see differences as weaknesses.
18
I think there needs to be some more information in this article between 'we used this polling firm' and the conclusions drawn from it which are presented, without further elaboration, as fact. I was hoping for a nuanced and intelligent as well as authoritative discussion of at least some of the possible causes of lack of confidence in girls. I didn't find it here. A lot of well-intentioned, if somewhat questionable, advice, instead.
6
Try and limit her social media use (I know, easier said than done).
Be cognizant of mixed messages being sent her on social media....messages of 'female empowerment' etc., juxtaposed with apps where (mostly girls) can add all kinds of special 'filters' to their selfies.
Be aware of the mixed signals that you too may be sending her. Don't tell her that 'what's inside counts more', and all the while she sees you obsessing over your own physical appearance.
7
@Lisa: boy, it really cannot be EMPHASIZED ENOUGH that children will emulate what they see parents doing and valuing.
If you the parent is on your smartphone 24/7….you cannot ask your kid to "put the phone down and play outside".
If you the parent are openly materialistic and jealous of other adult's possessions….you cannot tell your child not be acquisitive.
If you the parent diet -- hate on your own middle aged body -- fear food and constantly look for ways to avoid eating -- demonizing foods you fear are "fattening" -- or exercise like a fiend, because you think you can get back the body of a teenager -- your child will pick up on this, and do the same heartless critiques of THEIR bodies and start in on orthorexia and diets and eating disorders.
As you correctly note, and especially on social and other media -- "message of empowerment" are false and empty, because they are surrounded by message even clearer, that you won't be valued if you are not very pretty, very thin and very popular, and dress in just the right way with the "right hair". This is hard enough for seasoned adults to cope with -- for adolescents, it is a devastating series of messages continually making them feel inferior.
1
Reads like an after-school special on PBS and likely just as effective.
Let your kid figure out how to integrate without you micro-managing her life - despite your overwhelming sense that if only she would let you help her then her [well really your] life would be perfect.
Your kid's middle school life is not a do-over for your failures and embarrassments in middle school.
13
I appreciate the article but wish non-researchers would not collect their own data and interpret it without research training. You can't claim that girls' confidence levels fall from one age to another unless you collected longitudinal data. Differences found among girls of different ages at one point in time can be explained by many things and you can't assume that the 14 year olds in the study would have had the same confidence levels at age 8 (in 2012 or whenever these female participants would have been 8) as the confidence levels reported by girls who are 8 now (or whenever the survey was done). And keep in mind that the worlds of adolescents and pre-adolescents are rapidly changing which poses an enormous challenge to social scientists. It's important to interpret data accurately (longitudinal data being very different from cross-sectional data).
11
I think that compassion for one's feelings is an important ingredient for confidence-building. When a person is allowed to feel her sadness and anger when she "fails", she is able to process the experience and learn. Too often boys and girls internalize the message that those feelings are not okay, and they feel ashamed of them. This leads to risk-avoidance and a downward spiral of confidence. It's okay--crucial, in fact--for boys to cry and girls to feel angry.
18
15 years ago my daughter suffered from such low self-confidence as a high schooler that we moved her from her 4000 student high school to a small Catholic school where she promptly enrolled in Calculus. The teacher and the priest administer called me within the first weeks of school to tell me she was treading water: wouldn’t she rather move to a class more geared to her abilities? When I asked my daughter how she felt about this she threw an epic fit. I called the school back and told them she would remain in the class. At the end of the year she won Best Math Student. Today she is a Family Nurse practitioner at one of the country’s leading cancer hospitals. What did I learn from this experience? Don’t let my fears become hers. I’m in awe of the resilience and strength of girls when we get out of the way.
43
Sadly, it still goes on today. I heard my daughters math teacher in 5 their grade, state boys fair better in math than girls. How can teachers make these idiotic comments? We need to stop with gender stereotypes!
1
#1 factor in freaking out tweens: men and boys now seeing you as an object for sexual consumption, a face and body to be looked at, evaluated and rated. Catcalls, comments, noises, leers, touches. boys and grown men alike, alone or in groups.
oh, and you can get pregnant now too, so add that to the list of things to be worried about.
91
Also, the authors didn't write this so I - with not affiliation to them -- will. They jointly wrote a book called 'The Confidence Code' which might be interesting to all women but especially the mothers of girls. If you are not confident, your daughter will pick up on that.
8
Eek. Strikes me as too much parental meddling. Parents can't control everything in their child's life or protect them from every knock.
7
Some good thoughts and advice here.
In my experience I'd sum it up as you build authentic self-esteem and self-confidence by taking on a meaningful challenge appropriate for one's age and situation, learn through self effort what you need to know to meet it, and achieve some measure of success by doing.
Of course, as the author says, sometimes you like everyone will fail or not have much success.
But then you've learned something you often can only learn by trying, you now know for certain what doesn't work in regard to that project, and that in itself is valuable and is part of growing. You'll be much better on the next one.
As the old saying goes, we learn by doing. And some mentoring is often crucial too, don't be afraid to ask for it, especially from someone experienced and knowledgeable. Good luck to all on their journey.
3
I think this works for both boys and girls, depending upon personality. My daughter has never had a problem with her self esteem, but both my boys did. Luckily, bullying was not a problem at any of the schools we attended, but we really had to watch the boys and try and get them to talk about their days. You know, "how was your day?" "Fine". They often felt they were not masculine enough, or too fat, or too different, or they didn't have the right phone or the right clothes. We all ate dinner together, when a lot of things came out and not only their Mom and Dad was there, but also their siblings, to help give advice. I would never want to go back to being a teenager!
29
Allow her to fail. Don't expect her to succeed at everything the first time she tries it. Don't tell her that an A minus isn't good enough. Let her be the judge of that. Don't tell her all her faults in graphic detail either. Don't make her feel bad for wanting to do things without you. It's part of growing up. Most important of all, and something that a lot of parents never realize, do not parent your 13 year old like she's still 10 or your 16 year old like she's still 10. It tells her you still think of her as a child, a small one at that.
19
I wonder if this is a simple evolutionary trait. It would make sense that women become more risk averse with the onset of puberty, as that would foster more favorable approaches to raising children. Men can risk more because their main contribution is done and they are therefore more expendable.
8
It seems to me that you misattribute men’s evolutionary tolerance for risk. It might be that men became more tolerant of risk because it was the only way to bring home the protein (meat). I doubt that they gave much thought to the fact that they’re reproductive duties were done.
4
@Mark Holbrook I see what you are saying, but my idea is less about personal conscious decision and more about outcomes of types of behavior. I don't think anyone was thinking about anything. If a mother with a baby did something risky and was killed, that mother and baby, and their behavior traits, probably disappeared. If the father got eaten by a saber tooth tiger, there was less meat to eat but it did not have the same impact on the group's wellbeing or evolutionary fitness. Again, generally, males are more expendable than females.
2
@Thomas
Hogwash and more male supremacist thinking. Women learned early that men were evil and would use their larger skeletal frames and musculature to rape, beat, bully and threaten women. As a result, women learned to behave in ways that maximized as much as possible their safety around the violent male human.
Women are able to climb mountains, kayak oceans, risk their lives in childbirth, risk their lives living with violent men.
It is men who are risk-averse by creating a world where women have to be obsequious to men in order to avoid male wrath and violence.
12
just watch out for bullying is all I can say.
19
It was bullying that screwed me up in the late 1960s. Decades of psychotherapy. Still not better. I am unhappy that this is still going on fifty years later.
10
Also review your girls’ nutrition at this stage; poor iron/vitamin levels may impact their confidence and performance.
14
I'm not sure getting your daughter to do this, and setting her mindset to that, and talking incessantly about failure is really the way to go to boost a girl's confidence!! Better to be there, trust your daughter, know she is perfectly capable, talk to her about the world, enjoy her company.
38
Good advice— so important. We do these things for our daughter...... and importantly for our son as well!
2
Great article. There’s a ton of risk in my house. My daughter and do a number of dangerous things: rock climbing, mountain biking and of course snowboarding. When she was 14, we started knocking off all the double diamond trails at my local mountain. I’ve always told her that it’s not the big wipeouts that define you, it’s what you do when you get up. When she was tiny, we had two mantras: 1. Ride fast and take chances and 2. Speed is your friend. And now that she’s 16, I still see no fear in her eyes. But hope that this continues into her adulthood. I know I expose her to way more risk than most parents find acceptable, but this is just how we live.
I also talk to her about taking big life risks and I try to walk the walk. I just took a job in Africa, my fourth overseas gig. And I hope I can teach her to surf there. Doing things is amazing for your confidence.
37
Such a fabulous article, well thought of research. We unconsciously did a lot of these steps for our daughter, but it was late, she was 17. At 21 she still goes through fear of failure, beats herself over how she could have been in humanities instead of mathematic and CS...both of which she is remarkably good at. Our favorite was retrain your mind, a phrase we recognized after our son had a concussion, and passed it onto our daughter. If only we had read this kind of book earlier on, our daughter would now be a confident, risk taker not afraid of failure. She is getting there slowly, learning that risk mitigating is not necessarily a productive pathway to take for every opportunity. I look forward to the day we can reminisce about those days when she was always measuring herself through her reflection in other people’s eyes.
My son at 13 is a born risk taker with a don’t care attitude....perhaps a wee bit of fear of failure would be less frustrating for poor parents:-))).
15
I remember that age 14 or so was when I both lost and gained confidence. Socially and physically, things were tough. I went from a pretty much oblivious tomboy to being keenly aware that my clothes mattered, I had to shave my legs (whereas my mom forbid me to so so and seemed to be throwing up roadblocks to my maturation), suddenly I was always being cautioned about hurting myself or being in danger for just being female in public... it was bewildering and upsetting. But at the same time I found myself academically and realized I was smart, and came to love the life of the mind. So it was both good and bad.
30
As a parent of a now wonderful 24 year old woman, and former dean at an all girls school, I recommend encouraging lots of hobbies. Not single focus, take up every moment activities, but good old fashioned hobbies and board games.
24
I wish my parents had read this article when I was that age! I struggled with my peers, self confidence, and eventually depression. I think it would have helped to have had someone ask me the questions you outlined, or talked through “maybe’ situations. I’m grateful to have learned these skills later as an adult. I don’t have children, but I am close with my ex-husband’s 10-year old daughter. I will strive to remember to listen and use these techniques. Thank you for the article.
14
I was a teenager in the 50s. When I was 12 we moved from Portland, Oregon (where every little girl was on the tomboy spectrum) to a Virginia suburb of Washington D.C., where I suddenly had to metamorphize into being a young lady. While it was difficult (especially having my pigtails replaced by a permanent wave, and ballroom dancing classes), I don't remember it being traumatic. I attended a huge school for grades 7-12. 3000 kids, but it still wasn't the end of the world. When did all this trauma just from being female begin?
12
If you are female and didn’t experience a confidence drop, then apparently you’re one of the lucky ones. The article says that the *average* confidence drop is higher for girls in adolescence than it is for boys. And regardless, the advice is relevant for everyone, not just girls.
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Physicist, I agree - these ideas look useful for developing confidence in girls and boys!
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Jan: The critical factor in your sense of self confidence was most likely the fact that you were in an all girls school. Studies have shown that girls do better and feel better about themselves when they're not in an environment where they have to please males which they do by questioning and hiding their own intelligence and capabilities.
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That wasn't my experience at an all girls school. They can be vicious.
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I read this article with much interest. As the parent of three girls, I watched all of them lose confidence in the middle school years. My opinion is that the decline in confidence is, in part, associated with puberty onset in boys at the same time the girls are undergoing their changes. I vividly remember it as the time when boys were watching to see who had developed enough to be wearing a bra, who was pretty, etc. In my opinion, this sexual awakening in young men is the first time girls are subjected to being a collection of body parts instead of a whole person. It is no wonder girls who attended all girls schools during these years had a different experience.
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@Wendy Evans I agree. Periods are a huge source of potential humiliation. Boys control with jokes about boobs, periods, sex and who's pretty. Girls back them up to appear 'fun'. Girls who speak up get called ugly. Girls who do sports get sneered at for having 'soccer legs'. It's a wonder we women make it to adulthood sometimes.
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@Wendy Evans. Actually, my daughter did attend an all-girls middle
School. Best decision we made as parents (and best money ever spent). What caught my eye was that it was known for keeping girls interested in math and science. It turned out to be all that and more importantly, they understood that
Age group. First words in motto are “confident and capable...” I could go on and on. Looking back, middle School is the
Most important stage; if you can get them through that intact, they will make
It through high school just fine. If not, you’re in for a rocky time. School based on two books: “The Blessings of a Skinned Knee” (author?) and “Mindfulness” by Dr Carol Dweck.
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I sense a fight with political overtones over a reader's bragging about her life's success and attributing it in part to a lack of automatic trophies being handed out in her school years. Individual success (however that is defined and whose value system do we use?) depends on hundreds of factors---environmental, genetic, the luck of the draw of what parents we get, education opportunities, ethnicity, race, etc. A shelf of meaningless trophies (or lack of them) is a non-existent factor in determining the complex individual that a teenage girl becomes.
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Age 8-14 was the absolute worst time in my life. We moved from my childhood home in Southern California to a country suburb near Sacramento. My widowed father remarried, to a woman with whom I did not get along. I was continually bullied both at home and at school. The bullying intensified as puberty hit and everything became about connecting with the opposite sex. As an overweight, bespectacled, nerdy girl (in my 40s I learned that I am on the autism spectrum)... I was not very successful in that arena. I withdrew into a private world of fantasy from which I only completely escaped in middle age. Despite my scholastic talents and IQ measured at over 150, I have languished in clerical jobs most of my life. My point? The "middle school" age range is the most critical in a girl's life for establishing confidence and a sense of oneself. If not handled well, it can propel a young woman into a lifetime of loneliness and misery, and the world will experience a tragic loss of human potential that could have yielded so much more.
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I think that this previous comment raises a key point - we frequently see these articles about encouraging girls, yet I think a fair number of girls are bullied by their mothers at this age. Like the commenter here, I was also mistreated by my mother as a pre-teen and teen. Over many years, I worked my way into a successful career but I constantly had to overcome a hurtful legacy. I rarely see articles about this in the mainstream press, and I wonder how many girls are being left behind this way.
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@Martha Goff Clarification: In defense of my stepmother:
The home bullying I mentioned was primarily from one of my brothers and my grandmother (who stepped in between my mother's death and my father's remarriage).
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@Helen this is so true! I cannot tell you the number of conversations I’ve had with my female friends lamenting their relationship with their mothers. So much starts at home. When your mother is echoing and reinforcing the fears you already have you have no place to turn too. I think this stems from the lack of confidence mothers have and they take out their anxieties on their daughters. Maybe the article should be directed at mothers and how they need to gain confidence.
In Wendy Moguls book, “The Blessings of a Skinned Knee,” she speaks extensively of how children emulate their parents. They watch what you do not what you say and mimic that. This goes for both sons and daughters and mothers and fathers. Behave in a manner you want your children to behave and walk the walk yourself.
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Someone told me that a great question to ask a tween and teen is, what did you fail at today? This helps them understand that it's ok not be great at everything, and that your parents don't expect you to be perfect. It's a good dinner table question where we parents can also chime in ("I had to give a presentation in front of the new boss and I was so nervous", etc... or even "I tried this new recipe for you guys today but I can see it didn't turn out so good, oh well.")
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I always asked "What was the best part of your day and the worst part of your day?" And I would tell the same. It's a great way to see each other as people doing stuff in the world.
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The bottom line is: talk to your daughter, or if she won't talk, hang out with her. As in: "What's wrong?" and your daughter, looking distraught, answers, "Nothing!" Then her Dad and I sit on the couch with her, chat, maybe we get somewhere, maybe we get nowhere, but she knows we love her.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
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Great article! My girls are only 2 and 4 but I will keep this in mind. I already see signs of overreaction in my older daughter who often assumes the worst first. These tools could be very helpful, thanks!
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This is a no-brainer and applies to people of all ages. The best way to build confidence is to move out of one's comfort zone and become comfortable with uncertainty, setbacks, and sometimes even failure. This is how we all learn to be resilient.
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Parents are busy people with many challenges beyond parenting, and most are not that into intellectualizing. Just love our daughters as we try best to love ourselves. Meanwhile, gently but firmly prodding them to appreciate the intrinsic value of honesty and thoughtfulness and act accordingly (also, tell them it is expected and normal they make mistakes in both all the time because they are learning and that is why parents are watching and preaching for the moment).
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I certainly fell into the typical category - where it seemed the strong child suddenly was an teen bent on avoiding potential humiliation, which seemed to hide in all corners, pleasing others, and fitting in to the point of erasing my self.
All of these ideas are really clearly presented. Of course, people being people, parents maybe unable to change their own behavior -- or too involved in their own lives - to provide the cautious guidance that could help. Plus already, it is possible that the last person in the world a teen girl is going to listen to is a mother. SO these are solid suggestions for the favorite aunt, scout leaders, anyone who serves as a role model and advice giver to young women.
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It strikes me that the malady may lie, not in girls, but in what we expect from women: people pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking. These three qualities are survival skills for the less powerful. Watch, wait, listen, and check for danger before venturing out. Herbivores like deer engage in these behaviors to avoid predation. And so do women. Maybe what ails girls, their sapping confidence, is really just a reflection of the hostility and danger of living while female in a world set up by and for men.
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@voltairesmistress
And this is the age when middle schools take over from grammar schools, with all their toxic bullying and pressure to grow up too fast. That is certainly what happened to my daughter.
The article completely ignores the fact that the world is more dangerous for women and girls, and that parents can not afford to be oblivious to this fact.
Some of the techniques were fine as far as they went, but during this age I found I had to discourage behavior that was too risky (walking alone in isolated woods as a short cut to home, so I was not always encouraging taking risks. If there is concern about confidence dampening, imagine what a terrible experience can do to dampen confidence! Yes, I also had her take a class in defending oneself against attacks. But some risks are not worth the confidence building.
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@voltairesmistress
I already knew from reading the Times that men were responsible for all the ills of being female but thank you for hammering it home one more time!
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@voltairesmistress I don't disagree with your comment. However, it would be helpful to distinguish outward behaviors that people see from thoughts that one has about one's self. One can engage in some of those actions (people-pleasing, etc.) as strategic and yet not let them affect one's own perception of self. For example, my mother -- a small Asian woman with imperfect English -- would often intentionally play up people's perceptions of her as a weaker, less educated person to get the information she needed in business transactions. Then she would turn right around and take them to the mat for the best deal possible.
On a practical level, I would advise parents to notice and praise their daughters about accomplishments or activities other than those centered around beauty. Girls get comments around how they look regularly: comment on something else. Also, watch your own behavior: how you act or react matters more than anything you say. If the mother constantly doubts herself or the father comments regularly on women's appearances, then the daughters will pick up on that.
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My confidence level soared during this timeline of 8 to 14 years as a young girl. I was highly active in sports: softball, basketball, track, as well as active in dance and other activities. I found out for myself my limitations and abilities. My academic situation in an all girls competitive Catholic school also helped the competition. We did not receive participation trophies and all of the other nonsense of today. We achieved what we achieved by our own abilities and hard work. There was no affirmative action and it was great. As a result we became professionals as well as good citizens greatly achieving in our careers. People deserved and received what they worked for in those times. It is too bad the parameters were changed for many participating in the game of life.
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There's nothing quite as demotivating as seeing all the lazy kids get the same trophy as you, when you've busted your butt and have obviously done better. So many lessons lost for everybody involved.
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@Jan
And the walking ten miles to school in the snow uphill both ways no doubt helped too.
Just because an individual thrived in the “good old days” didn’t mean most did, or that they should be brought back.
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@DH @Jan I am so sick of the participation trophies thing being touted as the root cause of all the problems with millennials. First of all, who do you think gave us those trophies? We never asked for trophies, they were given to us by the older generation that grew up without them! Second of all, we all knew they were meaningless! I was on a competitive swim team through out middle and high school. We got those stupid things every year and they just took up space in a box in my closet. Do you think our generation is so stupid that we can't tell the difference between something that is automatically given and something achieved? Those trophies were garbage and most of us threw them out. Now do the same with that argument.
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