The fact that Ms. Monahan refuses to disclose her proof leads me to the conclusion that Mr. Ellison and Ms. Monahan had a rocky relationship not an abusive one.
She appears to be enraged that the relationship ended
The fact that she continued to call Ellison for help points also makes me wonder about her true motives.
The fact that Al Franken left Congress has nothing to do with Ellison and his former girlfriend.
To this day I believe that Al Franken was not guilty of sexual harassment but of being a show off comic who is guilty of bad taste.
And Kristin Gillibrand is a opportunistic politician who used this incident to gain publicity to raise her public profile.
82
Too many women and too many claims about Keith Ellison who seems to be another angry man; he will fit it just fine with a political career.
11
People like the accuser here or Asia Argento are a serious danger to the #metoo movement and the real victims of real abuse.
37
Thanks for the thorough and well written article. Karen seems bitter and vengeful. Ellison may be the victim. Karen either has a video or not. Fantastic claims need to be supported with evidence. Otherwise, Karen is guilty of a political hit job against Ellison. Shame on Karen.
34
Anything is possible. But simply saying something doesn't make it real. And though this situation is uniquely about Ellison, it is also a case study in the power of words. If someone calls someone a racist, but offers no proof, is the person accused a racist? If someone calls someone a rapist but offers no proof, is the person a rapist?
Unfortunately, sometimes there is no proof of a crime or transgression. And this has given some bad actors the ability to get away with hurting other people. We still allow people to get victimized. And something in our nation's psyche knows that it's wrong. So to make up for these transgressions, we sometimes make an example of a person...and sometimes without any proof whatsoever. I think that's what happened with Ellison. The story doesn't add up. But to call her out would mean-to some- that we don't take domestic abuse seriously. So we let her say things that just don't make sense. Because we have let too many people get victimized. We are going to prove we take abuse seriously.
She claimed abuse. Days before an election. This in of itself seems suspect. Then she claimed she had proof. Ellison did not demand proof. She said she would offer it. And then she recanted. She posted screen shots of conversations...that prove absolutely nothing.
There are times when people get away with being blatantly racist/blatantly abusive. This does not appear to be the case here.
26
Someone needs serious psychiatric help here and it's not Mr Ellison. This is high drama driven to draw attention. Where does the abuse line get drawn?If a voice is raised, a dish broken, does this constitute abuse?.
35
We're living at a time when someone looking at you askance rather than providing affirmation, is considered 'emotionally abusive'. Also, gotta love 'narcissist abuse'. We're coming to a point where everyone will be locked up for not giving you a thumbs up and a smiley face.
33
‘Soul rape’? ‘Narcissist abuse’? That kind of rhetoric, those charged terms that employ images of physical violence and transfer them to relationship problems seem calculated to destroy the person she once cared about. This doesn’t seem like MeToo; more like I’mHurt.
43
Monahan's treatment of his daughter and inappropriate contacting of his subsequent partner makes me think she's an active partner if not instigator of the drama that turned out to be this relationship. Her jealousy over his meeting to discuss legal papers with a female friend seems controlling. He's a politician and probably self centered as driven people can be but from this article she's not coming off as a victim, and seems intent on smearing him as revenge. I realize the information is limited but at what point is everyone with an imperfect romantic history going to be subjected to the he said she said?
27
I am in no way a fan of Keith Ellison, but, if the "narcissist abuse" was so severe, why does Ms. Monahan choose to stay in his social orbit? And why not release the video, which would settle most questions?
21
Her accusations, if not true, are in themself a form of abuse.
25
I was lucky to have Mr. Ellison as my representative for 8 year and to have lived in Minneapolis for 24 years. Minneapolis is an extremely progressive city rich in mental health resources. Ms. Monaghan appears to be an individual of some resource yet she did not seem to reach out for assistance during this time.
It does not add up. If she was in danger, she should have contacted police and, or medical professionals. She was not financially dependent on him, yet continued to live at his house after they broke up?
What kind of person does that?
Mr. Ellison seems like a lousy boyfriend....that’s it, move on.
25
Narcissist vs Victim ? Get over it.
7
Hmmm.
The article states:
Amirah said in a public Facebook post that Ms. Monahan “quickly became actively territorial and threatening towards me.” Once, when she came home from college, Amirah said, she found that her bedroom had been turned into a storage closet for Ms. Monahan’s things and that Ms. Monahan falsely accused her of destroying her possessions.
This is rather odd behavior. I know that if I came home from college and found my bedroom into someone's personal closet, I, too, would be angry.
The article also states:
About a year after the breakup, Ms. Monahan sent an email to Ms. Hurtado, accusing her of stealing Mr. Ellison’s affections.
“Your desires, and how you acted on those desires, in this whole situation had nothing to do with Keith’s wellbeing,” Ms. Monahan wrote. “You thought of your needs, what you wanted, your desires, and it didn’t matter who you hurt.”
Hmmm. Well, we have the daughter who has had her room turned into a closest and then the new girlfriend being accused of "stealing." There's something more going on here.
25
Being a jerk is not abuse. His ex wife of many years and daughter back him up. I always err on believing the acuser,, but the kicker is the "I have video but I don't have to present it" stance. Red flag.
23
What Monahan is doing is no different than white folk calling the cops on black folk for daring to exist and show our faces in public. She seems to be a woman scorned who’s jealous that Rep. Ellison has moved on. Who goes to the media and accuses someone of narcissistic injury or whatever she called it? Why wait to this late date to come out with these claims against him? Her goal was to hurt him and cause maximum damage to his chances of winning an election.
It is no one’s business what goes on in a relationship between two people as long no laws are broken. People are people and we don’t always behave in our private lives in ways that are flattering to our public lives. If no laws were broken or charges filed, I don’t see why the media would report these scurrilous claims that cannot and have not been substantiated. This is character assasination of a black man and a Muslim who some people would love to see go down in flames.
15
"Soul-rape?" Oh puleeze, enough already.
28
Let this case stand as a caution light for the METOO railroad.
It seemed to me that Garrison and Al didn't deserve being run over by it, done in by a hug and a joke.
But this case is really beyond the pale. And 99% of the commenters get it.
Let's take our cold shower and demand a more creditable process from here on out -- something resembling real courts and due process.
Because a lot of people are being given an excuse to scapegoat others for their own problems. Ms. Monahan and. Ms. Gay need to look in the mirror.
25
Melody Hoffmann's conclusion that it is unfortunate that innocent men will be caught up in untrue allegations, but necessary, will cost every woman with a true story her credibility. I know a young man whose jaw was dislocated by a punch from his girlfriend. Another woman had hit another boyfriend on the head with a wrench and put him in the hospital. Another who hit her boyfriend's teenage daughter so hard, her teachers called Child Protective Service because of the bruises to her face and arms. Then this same woman claimed she had been raped by the girl's father. Thanks to solid evidence he was discovered to be innocent. Just as there are real women victims, and bad men, there are also women paranoids, narcissists, violent women, jealous women, women who play victim to manipulate others or get attention. There are women drug dealers, robbers and mobsters. They exist. If we are told to believe every woman no-matter-what we are going to return to believing no women no-matter-what. This is still America where we have the right to face our accusers and an impartial investigation. Metoo# needs to move on past the mob has become or it will not survive. Mr Ellison, like Senator Frankin, is innocent until proven guilty, and it needs to be of an actual crime, not a domestic fight or a bad joke. I wonder that more men and women don't turn to professional sex-workers and save themselves from all this drama.
25
I'm sensing a little projection on Ms. Monihan's part.. it seems like _she's_ the narcissist, at least based on Ms. Ellison's account.
10
The article and many comments misunderstand emotional abuse. Pathological narcissists are not the same as “self-centered people” or garden-variety jerks—just as alcoholics are not the same as people who occasionally drink too much.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is akin to sociopathy and is recognized in the DSM-5. NPD behavior is severely abnormal, devoid of conscience or empathy. Pathological narcissists cannot see others as separate beings with their own needs, and instead callously use others as tools of self-aggrandizement. They don’t seem like bad guys, though. They’re affable, charismatic and often powerful. They use those qualities—plus lies, tirades, threats and gaslighting—to manipulate and denigrate those around them. Imagine what it is to be with such a person. We’ve all dated jerks; this is orders of magnitude worse.
The accuser here seems confused, frazzled, unhinged. She seems like an unreliable narrator, easy to dismiss. But the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship, and the pressure to prove abuse claims, can destabilize a person. This is particularly true with narcissistic abuse, which is carefully and intentionally kept invisible to outsiders.
I do not know the truth of this situation. But please do not assume these accusations are a misappropriation of #metoo or just an airing of dirty laundry from a soured romance. Emotional abuse can destroy lives. Mocking the concept is a cruel thing to do to those who have suffered from it.
93
Emma,
The two women who lived with him the longest, his former wife and daughter disavow Ms. Monahan's character assassination of Mr. Ellison.
Yes, emotional abuse can destroy lives. It can also be perpetrated by women, as well as men. To think that women can't be as deceptive or manipulative as men is not putting women as equals.
Mocking?! Agreed, that would be wrong.
Ruining a persons career and character, playing an aggrieved, self perceived victim, wrong also.
22
@Emma...you're fair to mention that simply dismissing the accusation and labeling Ellison's ex manipulative is unfair. However, narcissists tend to project their failings on others. Sometimes the people who cry the most loudly are simply manipulative and want to look like victims so that no one will question their actions. Look at little kids who get found out-they start crying. Pretty smart-huh?
6
"narcissistic abuse" = virtually all breakups
15
I'm not sure I completely trust a person's story when it is filled with trendy phrases like "gaslighting" and narcissistic abuse". At the same time the person claims the daughter is the one lying and the new girlfriend stole her boyfriend.
10
Ms. Monahan sounds deeply disturbed. Whatever she thinks "narcissist abuse" is, it is not a crime. I'm sure Mr. Ellison rues the day he ever got involved with her.
19
Tread lightly with this one, NYTimes. It’s always popular to highlight stories of the man falsely accused. Your comment section just further illustrates how quick your readers are to jump immediately to the “me too is over” reaction. Domestic violence is still a very real and dangerous threat for women across this country and is the leading cause of death for women by firearm in this country. The vast majority of rapes are still not reported. Misogyny is very much alive and well and deadly in this country.
4
Ellison's problem seems to be having gotten involved with a loony-tunes opportunist whose bottom line is "victims should not be forced to prove their claims". In other words, takedowns and destroying a person's character and future are ok if you are an unhappy person. His ex-wife, daughter, and current girlfriend seem to be what Monahan can't stand.
If #metoo is to survive as a postive movement, people liek Monahan have to be cut loose and denounced.
15
This woman sounds like a piece of work. 'Soul rape'?? Um, OK.
The article also mentions her many 'allegations' of his cheating on her, yet we see no other substantiation. We also saw that on at least one occasion, if not more, she checked his private cellphone and read his text messages (and then made 'assumptions' about conversations he had with other women. No mention of the actual language in these 'conversations' with other women was specified in this story...). Is not picking up someone else's private mobile phone, and reading their messages, an invasion of privacy? Isn't that 'emotional abuse'?
She sounds like a classic very needy, insecure, full-of-drama nutcase girlfriend... fun and exciting at first, but in the end, one big regrettable headache for a man.
19
Did Ms. Monahan make this allegation? News here in MN said her son made the allegations, leading me to wonder if now she’s trying to support her son. This seems far more involved than “he was mean to me” with mistakes made on both sides and this should have stayed private
5
Where is this going to end? Who has not had a relationship that ended with one side accusing the other side of something or other that hurt emotionally? Is this the type of thing that has to be aired out as well? Your boyfriend or girlfriend was mean to you and you broke up? Grow up!
10
"We had a relationship that broke down, and I'm REALLY MAD AT HIM, and I want to ruin his career!"
*sigh*
No, Ms. Monahan, you are not going to ruin his career. You're just going to reveal yourself as being spiteful and foolish.
"He yelled at me! I went limp and refused to get up, so he pulled me off his bed!"
Sometimes relationships just don't work out, Ms. Monahan. Grow up, okay?
14
Wise words from Colorado detective Stacy Galbraith:
“A lot of times people say, ‘Believe your victim, believe your victim,’” Galbraith said. “But I don’t think that that’s the right standpoint. I think it’s listen to your victim. And then corroborate or refute based on how things go.”
Galbraith played a key role in catching a serial rapist, as recounted in the Pulitzer Prize winning story, "An Unbelievable Story of Rape." https://www.themarshallproject.org/2015/12/16/an-unbelievable-story-of-r...
10
This is just mind-boggling to read and it will certainly be used to undermine legitimate cases of sexual harassment and violence. A cheating husband or boyfriend, or one who isn’t pleasant or considerate, is not - because of that behavior - a sexual harasser. If that behavior disqualifies someone from office, then we have hijacked and weakened a legitimate movement and lost our minds.
20
We have the word of one jilted partner against the word of three other partners and Ellison's daughter. This wouldn't stand up in court and it shouldn't in our heads either.
15
As I understand her facts: 1) Ms. Monahan accuses Ellison of cheating on her; 2) This leads to a breakup of the relationship; 3) Ellison agrees that she can stay in his house while she looks for a place to live (apparently at no cost); 4)He gets angry when he is leaving for a trip and, rather than helping in the house by taking out the garbage, she is listening to her podcast on her bed. 5) he tries to pull her off the bed and then stomps out to catch his plane. 6) she now tries to ruin his carrer.
10
Just think, if the democrats take control of the House he may be the next speaker. Enough to make you proud to be a democrat!
2
@BecauseFactsMatter: Here is a fact that matters: Mr. Ellison is not running for the House again. He is running for Minnesota Attorney General.
13
This is what Dr. Phil and Iyanla are for. Please take it to that venue. One or both of them might be able to help you find peace.
We have to work with people. We don't have to be in relationships with them.
4
Seems Ms Monihan could have ditched the "Narcissist Abuse" at any time, seems she's a bright Progressive individual, a strong woman with morals... can she not think for herself? Does society now have to pander to every person that doesn't care for their boyfriend's demeanor or wandering lust, and yet chooses to stay?
11
While I do believe Ms. Alexander's experiences, I do not think this should be yet another a metoo moment, nor do I think we can keep trying to legislate against bad, even abusive, behavior. Something else is needed.
Labeling everything as abuse vis-a-vis metoo has become divisive, focused on vendettas, retribution and public shaming of all involved. It doesn't serve victims, help harm-doers be accountable, or ultimately change anyone.
Human relationships are full of pitfalls, conflicts, cross purposes, and many people have narcissistic or other personality flaws. Many have experienced trauma, are terrible at trust and intimacy, both men and women. How do we address that?
4
OK, I haven't read the whole article, but here is my first reaction:
Are there really so few candidates for a public office that we have to parse allegations like these? Surely there are other citizens who don't have sketchy issues in their lives who are competent to represent their neighbors in a government role.
A HUGE part of our current problem is that narcissistic/sociopathic jerks put themselves forward, and the average voter is apparently incapable of recognizing their "issues" and insisting on having a healthier choice...
5
I am bothered by Ms Monahan's statement that someone accusing another of this type of abuse (or to extend the argument--of sexual harassment) should not have to prove the allegations because they are the victim? Wait? What about innocent until proven guilty....Finding someone responsible for an action that could ruin their career based solely on someone's accusation shifts the scale too much and denies the underlying premise of our legal system.
14
With this and other recent developments I am hopeful that we are getting beyond the mindless destruction of the careers of many of our leaders on the basis of vaguely defined claimis of sexually related misconduct. It is not that the rules concerning sexual interaction should never change, as they are clearly doing. But what is needed is the kind of thoughtful discussion represented here, not the mindless assumption that every accusation merits humiliation and career termination for the accusee without a due and well defined process. I have met Ellison a few times, modestly supported his campaigns and voted for him repeatedly, most recently in the August 14 primary.
I admire him and wish him well.
12
In my experience women who have been sexually abused as a child can have unresolved feelings that can at times, have a very negative influence on their adult relationships. This is an extremely crushing aspect of sexual abuse. As the adult relationship begins to fall apart, the victim begins to deal with the earlier abuse, and things can get very complicated. If this happened in this situation, neither of these people can be held responsible, because it is the original abuse that is the main cause of the problems. So there may well be two victims in this sad story. Advocates of #MeToo should tread carefully in these situations. I disagree with Melody Hoffman's assertion that crushing an innocent person's life in a vendetta against evil is justified. It's real life, and real lives we're dealing with here. Please accept the ambiguity, and deal with it appropriately. You will protect your movement, and many women, (and men) in the long run. Men don't have a monopoly on abuse, nor are women the only victims of heartless cruelty.
10
If you were out to burn someone, and you knew that in today's environment you did not necessarily have to prove any allegation you made against the individual you sought to burn, would you limit your allegation to having "merely" been yanked off of a bed and screamed at? Moreover, would you limit your accusation(s) to just the one incident? If the woman/victim was just "out for money" would it not be more beneficial for her to fabricate an entire palette of domestic accusations against Mr. Ellison?
I would bet the house that she's telling the truth, was inspired by #MeToo to come forward but realized she did not have proof and Ellison would deny it. So she played the poker bluff re: the video hoping Ellison would bite. It's like when cops are interrogating a "perp" knowing he did it but having no proof, say, "We'll check the surveillance tape" or "we'll talk to the witness" (though there is no tape or witness) just to see whether the suspect confesses or changes their story. There may not be any video (does there need to be?), or perhaps the video also shows the victim screaming back or naked or something and therefore she's not comfortable releasing it. But when an entirely different and unrelated woman made similar allegations against Ellison 12 YEARS earlier (long before #MeToo was en vogue), a pattern of evidence is just as good as a video. Good for the NYT's to step up and take a deeper look into this. The local media have shamefully been dismissive of the story.
2
@Heather you get that Miss Alexander‘s claims were deemed so unreliable by the judge that he told her to stop making them and gave Mr. Ellison a restraining order against her for harassing and stalking him, right? There was never even any proof they had a relationship, so using her to establish a pattern makes no sense. Just like your excusing for Ms Monahan being a liar make no sense.
10
I am wondering who is inflicting the narcissistic abuse here. Who is really gaslighting? The details here make this picture muddy enough that this should be thoroughly investigated -- by professionals not through social media.
7
Going simply on those things that we have concrete and confirmable evidence of it seems that Keith Ellison was the one who was the victim of narcissistic abuse.
11
With all respect this is an ex-girlfriend situation that got out of control. This congressman gets around but her allegation push the boundries of what is abuse. Let’s just say he was tired of having her around. You could reverse the situation just for fairness and objectiveness.
6
I am a psychologist and would be interested in seeing a psychological evaluation of Ms. Monahan. I think it would be fair to Mr. Ellison and the (now viewing) public to have a greater understanding of Ms. Monahan's contributions to this (now public) complaint of "narcissistic abuse." I don't know about the bias of the journalist, but Ms. Monahan does not sound completely innocent in this piece.
10
World is going crazy. Here we appear to have what is little more than domestic squabbling being elevated to a world stage. Who needs Russian meddling when America so easily tears itself apart over an issue like. It is sheer madness that this has gone as far as it has.
13
I can judge some types of sexual contact to be sexual abuse. I can unequivocally say that violence in any form is physical abuse. What I can't do and what I don't want to do is to decide what non-sexual, non-violent human interactions between adults constitute emotional abuse. The woman in this story doesn't elicit our sympathy, but actually raises our suspicions. More than making her case, she seems to embody the absurdity of arguing for profound social censure upon those accused of emotional abuse: she is clingy, vindictive and deranged. His "emotional abuse" of her sounds mostly to simply be his disinclination to continue the relationship in opposition to her desire to do so. What about her publicly smearing him and airing their dirty laundry on social media? Is that not emotionally abusive? When it comes to what we'd term emotional abuse, vs. physical or sexual abuse, how aren't women just as capable as men of inflicting it? (Some of us would even argue that they have a significant edge). But reverse the sexes on these stories, and the man claiming to be a "victim" would inevitably be laughed out of court. Standing up for women who claim emotional abuse and inflicting consequences on men they finger is another example of the infantilization of all women (infants are blameless). If emotional abuse is the new front in the #MeToo movement, then the movement is destined to go down in the flames of double standards and circular logic.
10
Narcissistic abuse is absolutely real. And it's completely realistic that one woman may experience the abuse and another may not with the same man. It often doesn't appear until later in a relationship. I'm inclined to believe Ms. Monahan. And I'm relieved to see it making headlines.
@Liz they said it is not recognized in psychiatry, and if it comes out later in relationships you would think that his wife for 25 years would have seen signs - she didn’t!
6
No one gets to be believed if their story isn't logical. I've heard several versions of why Ms Monahan won't release the video of being dragged out of bed by Keith. It's too painful, it's lost, she shouldn't have to release it to be believed. I don't find it hard to believe that Keith may have done something like that. What I want to know is how did she video tape it???
11
"Abuse" is a grossly overused term now. It's been dumbed down to include virtually anything perceived as wrongful. Therapists have run amok in this and are creating legions of people who see themselves as abuse victims. Life is tough, and interpersonal relationships are the hardest to deal with for everyone. Stop already with victimhood. As an old girlfriend used to say to me: "Life's tough? Get a helmet."
11
"Behind the scenes, though, their relationship was rocky."
Anyone EVER been in a relationship that couldn't be described this way at one time or another?
8
She lost me at "victims should not be forced to prove their claims." If the victim shouldn't at least offer some proof besides 'because I said so' where does that lead us as a society based on rule of law? Anyone can make an accusation and the accused are automatically guilty if they can't prove otherwise? I thought our system is based on a presumption of innocence until proven guilty. If she had all this evidence, why not share it (and spare me the hiding behind some technological glitch - nearly anything can be recovered from a computer nowadays). And also why didn't she bring this up sooner - Mr. Ellison has been in the national limelight for some time now and this abuse allegedly occurred more than 2 years ago - why didn't she come forward then?
Women are not automatically saints - they have the capacity to lie, prevaricate, and abuse others just as much as men do. I support the #metoo movement and holding all men (and women) who abuse their power to account. However this situation sounds like a spurned lover seeking revenge (and let's be real - most relationships end with one party being able to claim some degree of emotional abuse ). Let's see some proof not one person's allegations being treated as if they are infallible.
16
Sounds as if we need a court of law on this one. What a wild idea.
2
“She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims.”
The #MeToo movement has been a powerful and necessary pushback against longstanding misogyny and sexism that has both actively and passively condoned sexual harassment, sexual violence, and the silencing of women in countless venues and in countless ways. However, reading this sentence from the article gives me serious pause, and should serve as a reminder that false accusations can be devastating to the wrongfully-accused. No one should be victimized by an abuser or by false accusations. If claims are going to be made, then there must be a fair, compassionate, and transparent process for verifying them, so the guilty are punished adequately, and no innocent people are made victims by false accusations.
6
Just chiming in to echo several of the well-written posts: whatever really occurred between Ellison and Monahan was indeed PRIVATE behavior between two people whose rocky relationship was coming to an end. Anyone over 30 knows that people behave badly in such circumstances. more often than not.
Ellison may not be a saint, but his actions as described have NOTHING to do with sexual harassment or #MeToo.
I would vote for him, if I could.
10
This illustrates why there is the concept of "Bright line law." An example is that if one party of an unforced sexual activity is below the states age of consent (from 14 to 18 among the States) then there the criminal act, a variation of rape to some degree. Yet, a day after that magic age, the same events are not subject to any criminal or civil action. (Well, criminal at least, civil I guess it's still possible)
This story of a relationship going bad is the stuff of hundreds of movies and series that we can watch at our will. But, given these were two adults, neither of who were forcefully restrained from leaving the premises, this should not be subject to the legal system at all.
Our courts are understaffed and the subsidies include jurors, who either work for nothing or are often paid if government employees. Those with the greatest wealth have a major advantage more extensive legal services. Two adults whose relationship has gone bad, without any physical injury, does not deserve to use our limited subsidized legal system.
2
I'm a retired attorney who has represented individuals on both sides of these issues. They are intensely emotional. Sorting them out is individual and fact based. I often say that nearly everything can be either used or abused. This applies to the #metoo movement. I think we have to approach situations like this carefully, especially when they become played out in media. So far the allegations, even if true, are not as egregious as in many cases. Here we're at a very early stage in sorting this out. I would say it's too early to arrive at any fair conclusions on either side.
We are already far too polarized on most issues and this situation falls within the intersection of many issues. Politics, religion, sex, power, social movements to mention a few. It's trite to say let cooler heads prevail but that's exactly what is needed here.
5
Emotional abuse is real, but also extremely subjective. Tarring and feathering should be reserved for documented predatory behavior or legal violations. The potential consequences of putting this kind of power into the hands of anyone, male or female, young or old, black or white, is extremely chilling. No one should be able to strip someone else of their reputation, livelihood or career with unsubstantiated accusations.
As a survivor of what is being termed here as narcissist abuse, I do not believe it precludes one from public service. It is usually reserved for intimate relationships.
5
Are we really now in the business of determining how and why romantic relationships end? Of figuring out who might have ever acted in a less than ideal manner to a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/son/daughter/mother/father/friend? Let all the people who have never said a mean and less than fully justifiable thing serve as judge and jury.
5
Thank you, NYTimes, for this news article. Now that I know more details about this relationship, I no longer have any reservations about voting for Mr. Ellison.
Keith Ellison will be an excellent Attorney General for the people of Minnesota.
12
No woman of equal power should allow abuse. If she was abused more than once, why did she choose to stay in the relationship?
3
As a woman, I want women to be believed. But I'm sorry, in this particular case, IF this article is accurate and complete (which is a big IF), I am not buying Ms. Monahan's allegations. Why was she still accusing Mr. Ellison of cheating on her even after she moved out? Why was it not clear to her at that point, that the relationship was over? I was involved in the past with a very needy, manipulative man. We never married or lived together. The relationship was very limited and unfulfilling, but I stayed for years because every time I tried to end it, he staged such a combination of drama queen neediness and accusations, wild promises to change, and preying on my insecurities, that I talked myself out of my misgivings, gave in to the way he preyed on my fears of being alone, and stayed to make the drama stop. Ms. Monahan's unreasonable expectations, accusations, drama outbursts, and manipulations remind me a great deal of that former boyfriend. I still have nightmares (my only ones) that I am somehow back trapped in a relationship with him, filled with the same sick dread, and in the dream I cannot figure out how to get away. I wake in a cold sweat.
Maybe Mr. Ellison was not a fully considerate partner, but it also sounds to me like Ms. Monahan made plenty of contributions to the dysfunctionality of their relationship. The fact that she has gone public seems very much like a vengeful attempt to ruin his reputation because she is angry that things didn't work out.
12
For goodness sakes. This was a bad relationship. She was a grownup and she needed to leave it. There's no evidence or even any thought that he physically abused her. If we are going to pillory everyone who has ever had a series of bad fights, that go on and on, the whole country is going to be in the stocks.
Really shocking the length that some people will go to be a victim, I 'm not sure that this is what the women's movement was about.
12
Public figures sometimes get in relationships that are overly dramatic and seem unbalanced.
This relationship seems very troubled.
I am going to walk my dog and get an ice cream cone and think about anything besides these two adults who sound so amazingly messed up.
7
Thanks for this article. I have to make a decision about this race in November. There's a lot at stake as his opponent will take our state in the wrong direction. Ellison is my House rep (for a few more months). I've been happy with his representation. I didn't vote for him in the primary because I was unsure about these accusations and wanted more information. This gives me more insight into the relationship
7
How can our society defend this as anything more than an intrusion of privacy? This is too far.
24
The article states that Ms. Monahan "wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it (cellphone video evidence) because victims should not be forced to prove their claims".
Does anyone else see a problem here?
More generally, the victim in such a case may legitimately be granted that the victim truly believes they suffered and, as a result of that belief, experience physical and psychological consequences. However, the mere presence of such a belief absent corroborating evidence does not establish that the alleged events occurred.
17
Further proving # me too imploding.
30
Hmm #metoo is imploding? Does this mean I was never actually fired for refusing to sleep with my boss?
#metoo is not a movement per se. It has no actual leaders. It's a bunch of people like me who got burned out of our jobs because we wouldn't put out for the boss.
Some women may have appointed themselves as leaders. But really we're just a bunch of women who have been abused on the job.
I don't know why this article is trying to attach itself to #metoo. I've been in bad relationships. I left them. It's really not the same as having your boss jump you in the pantry and find out you won't be getting a paycheck in the future because you turned him down.
4
Some people just never manage to leave middle school.
27
Pick a side; any side, doesn't matter. Who to believe; Ms. Monahan or Amirah(Mr Ellison's daughter)? Both are women, if we are to follow Ms. Hoffman, then the accusations by Amirah of abuse by Monahan should be dismissed and those of Monahan believed. Why? "Narcissist abuse", what nonsense, it's something conjured up to give support to those abusing #metoo and #timesup movements. From the way it sounds, it's Ms. Monahan who conjured up this term, this bogus term, to hide her own narcisstic and abusive behavior in her relationships with Mr Ellison and Amirah. I'll say "I told you so" a thousand more times. The methods of these movements have now been coming back to bite them in the a-s.
13
Flint still doesn't have clean water.
59
"My boyfriend looked crossly at me. Boo hoo, boo hoo! He must be fired from his job. He should be sent to prison. I will sue him."
Sorry #MeToo. All the good that you brought about is evolving into absurdity because of idiots.
40
Disappointing that the NYT is jumping on the "gotta make this a story" bandwagon. This doesn't sound like abuse to me, just a rocky relationship. Must we, the court of public opinion, scrutinize and opine on every disgruntled ex? I can feel abuse survivors around the country rolling their eyes when they read this.
41
The combination of politics, the internet and social media, and shacking up instead of marriage = a train wreck. In the old days, you'd just separate and call it a day, instead of airing these endless public recriminations and bitterness.
7
I think you are looking back with a considerable nostalgia. Relationships and marriages ending have rarely been coolly executed by participants. Recriminations, gossip, friends taking sides in a drama nobody quite understands, family rifts, real claims of mistreatment often not believed by others or dismissed by the accused out of hand, false accusations of abuse sincerely believed in by the accuser: these elements are of long standing. The only difference is their animation and spread through social media and the internet gossip mill.
1
I hope this is investigated more. I do believe in emotional and psychological abuse being as severe as physical abuse; however, the former two deserve severe scrutiny because they are so subjective. I am a victim of psychological abuse by a parent and know what I am talking about. This really needs investigation by qualified people before a person's reputation is destroyed. When someone dumps a dating or friendship is this emotional abuse? I would say "NO"
149
@Philip W Just because someone alleges psychological abuse, doesn't mean that it actually occurred. It looks to me like she may have been the abuser.
4
These movements can snowball into absurd public shaming and repression. There must be some separation between private life and public life, or between spheres of life. It is impossible to regulate "abusive" emotional relations. They penetrate every corner of life. Freud spoke about all those pains and dramas in the first round of life. What about narcissist moms and dads? And sibling rivalries and cruelties? Are children going to start suing, making public accusations against them, threatening their careers and jobs for emotional neglect, abuse and pain?
Are we going to be demanding only saints to be in public office and private companies and jobs? Are we going to ask everyone who has not been exemplary figures in ALL aspects of life to wear scarlett letters on their sleeves? This is getting out of hand and will soon create a boomerang effect. The remedy may be getting worse than the disease.
18
She looks like the harasser and abuser with daily different social media postings
28
Oh... so now the NYT has embraced Mr. Trump's communication style and accountability. The next thing you know... you will be only releasing your headlines on Twitter. I guess even the NYT doesn't care about responsible journalism and facts.... it's all about what gets the largest number of clicks. Sickening.
9
So..."victims should not have prove their accusations" and must be automatically believed?
Wow. That pretty much dispenses with our ENTIRE LEGAL SYSTEM.
That's lefty liberalism on steroids -- you can put it up there with "ABOLISH ICE".
It didn't take #metoo to go from legitimate grievances against Hollywood moguls....to baseless allegations....to "any bad relationship any woman has ever had".
18
Oh Please!!!!
They had some fight, they cursed, screamed, maybe threw a pillow, perhaps even pushed each other out of the way.
Sounds like a normal marriage to me.
Anyone married for > 10 years that never had that happen is either amnestic, lying, or a saint.
34
Amen to that!
3
Women: stop this insanity. Stop sharing your insecurities. Stop trying to destroy men with your need for revenge. If you can't handle m-f relationships— drop out.
26
Ms. Monahan has accused her former boyfriend of emotional abuse and says he once shouted profanities at her, while trying to drag her off a bed...."
this METOO THING IS GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH ITSELF...
It just sounds like a woman who is taking advantage of a situation where she can smear this guy with impunity and he has little to defend himself--he doesn't sound like HARVEY W, does he?
Who in this world hasn't had a really down and out argument with his spouse or partner?
How some COMMON SENSE here folks. If we are going for EMOTIONAL ABUSE, how about all of us suing our dear leader for nearly 2 years of "emotional abuse", and economic abuse if you want to get down to specifics.
THIS WOMAN should be ignored.
19
I had a longtime boyfriend who was emotionally abusive to me, due to his own emotional immaturity. We broke up, it was disappointing and sad, and we moved on. I'm not going to shout his actions now from the rooftops to destroy him. (And given his profession, I could.) Relationships -- of all types -- are a challenge. Humans are imperfect organisms. It's time for many people to let it go and stop shouting #MeToo like shouting "Fire" in a crowded theater. There are millions of people experiencing real suffering in this world. A crummy relationship doesn't put you in that category.
30
Ms Monahan sounds like a co-dependent trophy wife who has no life of her own. She was free to leave her relationship w Mr. Ellison at any time and probably should off.
She is obviously still a weak, dependent, codependent woman who has no idea how much she is humiliating herself. She needs to move on w her life and start assuming more responsibilities for herself and her child and let go of Mr. Ellison.
11
This seems to me much more about the NYT than the @metoo movement; hard to inagine anybody can honestly believe that it belongs there based on what you write: a kind of she said/he said without any independent corroboration. I believe it is wrong to do that with people’s lives and reputations, expecially if you are the NYT. Goving some extra credit to terms such as “narcissistic abuse” does not help. Abuse is abuse; considering what you report, this appears far from it. If that is all you found out, such a long story should not have seen now the light of day. By publishing it with an ambiguous title and a superficial connection to @metoo - a Nyt arbitrary choice - you raise automatically flags about Mr. Ellison without proof. Better would have been to hold the story until you could either confirm something or - looks more likely - debunk it (considering the accuser seems to misplace everything). Also, what about reporting that Mr. Ellison was involved in similar issues before, only to learn right after that a judge had put a restraining order...on the other party? Not even a controversy, rather a debunked accusation, but I fear the way you write about it is disingenuous - used to surrepticiously validate the relevance of running the story. I have the deepest respect for the work of the NYT, in this case I decry you editorial decisions.
3
Ellison should be removed from the ballot immediately. He is not fit to hold a position in public office.
1
Simply said, #MeToo is awakening us because it's shocking that known illegal actions have continued without due process for victims for so very long.
As we progress I too see consensus in call for clarifying distinctions.
How to brand and set a call to action on narcissism in a relationship with a person who is not a colleague and nor a perpetrator of domestic violence?
We do need a new brand, a new hashtag, and consequences.
However I too find that first #MeToo is best to elevate previously unrecognized, rampant, known-to-be illegal:
1. sexual, verbal or other harassment in the workplace (with or without specific restrictions in career advancement),
2. physical violence (assault, rape, et al.).
Ken Friedman, Mario Batali, Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Les Moonves, Michael Oreskes, Garrison Keillor, Charlie Rose, President Trump, and more deserve charges levied. (Louis CK is difficult for the average person because people don't see a hotel room as a workplace.) However anyone, failing to 'go along quietly' with his behavior (exposure or otherwise), did so because objecting constituted an assumed limitation in career talent acknowledgement / advancement in that workplace.
I trust that Wall Street enters the conversation shortly!
So Ms Monahan's charge that attempts were made to drag her off a bed with verbal abuse does call for legal review of domestic violence.
And yes, both domestic violence and narcissism change my view of Keith Ellison.
3
Unlike many victims in abusive relationships, Ms. Monahan apparently had independent means, was in no way coerced, and could, and should, have left the relationship if it was as bad as she claims it was. Allegations like this one do a serious disservice to women (and men) who are victims of real abuse, harassment and rape because they provide a creditable reason for those claims to be trivialized. As a survivor of such a relationship I resent those who who take advantage of others' suffering for their own gain.
19
This shows how the deep state Democrats are gonna whitewash this abuse against one of their own. As comments show here most leftists are giving Ellison a pass but if it was a Republican they'd be screaming 'resign' very loudly. Read the comments that seem to say this was just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship gone bad. The Left is eager to blame the victim here even the women Ellison supporters show no mercy to the lady. The Left has no shame left - they are the deplorable ones and I used to be one them believing every lie candidate Obama said.
2
@Larry
I admire the attempt to stir the waters, Larry, but it falls flat. This is a non-story that never should have been printed in the first place.
10
NYT as soap opera and Dr. Phil. I can't believe I wasted two valuable minutes reading this article but on the other hand I did learn the difference between what is important in the #MeToo movement and what is not. This is not.
14
In almost all of these reports of abuse I have believed the woman. In some cases, it has sounded like the women over-reacted to relatively mild actions, but in this case it sounds like the woman is at fault. She sounds like an entitled narcissist herself. If I were a Minnesota voter, I would not be impressed with her accusations, particularly since she looks like a woman spurned by a man who has moved on. Women can be abusers, too, and some of what is described seems like she is one.
9
@Susan Piper: Us MN voters were unimpressed with her, too. In the primary, he got 53% of the vote, with his nearest rival getting 16%. He has served MN well as a Representative, and he will serve us well as Attorney General.
7
A lot of women need to get a spine! What happened to the old feminist movement working to get women to be more assertive? What lessons did they teach their daughters? If you don’t like how the guy is treating you move on!!!
9
When people "emotionally hurt" you it's not abuse unless it's intentional and purposely cruel. The "metoo movement and it's various tributaries go too far to include everything that makes women sad. People throughout our lives will hurt us and that's part of life. Everyone needs to rethink what we are doing when good people are being destroyed because someone was hurt by them. The good people includes Al Franken, who never did anything wrong to begin with.
8
In response to this article, an ex of one of the authoring reporters of this piece makes generic and unsubstantiated claims of "emotional abuse" at some point arising from or relating to their failed relationship. Ex insists that it is somehow relevant to #MeToo movement. NYT does not publish any such accounts, as it deems the issue to be a private dispute, lacking evidence, filled with clearly conflicting narratives, and is not newsworthy for a publication of the NYT's asserted reputation. Ex then pitches article to David Pecker, who excitingly declares its fit for his esteemed publication.
1
This seems more like a story for the National Enquirer, not the NY Times. Give the man a break. Where does it end?
6
@Hans Figi accusation was in public. Good on NYTimes to do what most publications never do in these situations. Print something beyond the feeding frenzy that is the accusation announcement. Before this story, all I heard was Mr. Ellison is being accused of abuse by his ex-living girlfriend. I don’t read the enquirer so I would have missed this extended look.
It belongs in the NYTimes because truth or false tjis is serious.
3
That's what happens when domestic disputes are resolved in the kangaroo court of public opinion. It cheapens #MeToo and all true victims of true crimes.
5
Why are you covering this story? She's clearly an attention-seeker. Pathetic.
7
Is every last scrap of every last sin of every last male human being on earth the fair and legitimate target of ceaseless efforts to expose him to its own kind of slanderous abuse? This kind of thing has got to stop, and the Democratic Party has got to STOP encouraging it or it is going to find itself on the losing end more often than not. It is time for some sanity to get hold of the brains and leadership of the Party of FDR and JFK.
5
This story does not belong in the New York Times. This story does not require a notification to appear on my phone. This story is trashy gossip.
8
This woman's complaints are trivial. Unfortunately they are like far too many complaints by women. The complaints should not be believed or taken seriously. It is sad to see how many women handle emancipation poorly.
4
Nope. This woman is a known liar. Her former boyfriend has said she tried to get him fired when he could no longer stand her accusations of cheating. Same behavior here. Narcissist abuse is real. However this is exploitation. Likely this has something to do with her past abuse and the effect that it had on her.
I am sympathetic to her plight and volunteered with abuse victims in the past. But the facts just don't add up, including the statement from Ellisoncs former wife. If anyone would want a vehicle to get that out it would be her, not Karen.
I am a very big supporter of #MeToo, since a priest put me in that club as a preteen, and my family refused to believe me until he attempted the same with a younger cousin.
Exploitation of a movement that is finally bringing justice for so many is wrong, and that is what I see here. Call me cynical but it also would not surprise me if she has been paid by a Trump associate to make these allegations.
Ellison is a possible tap for a 2020 bid, or Cabinet position. GOP wants him out. Just like Franken.
8
According to this report, Ms. Monahan feels that "victims should not have to prove their claims." This kind of attitude is going to destroy the gains brought by the MeToo movement. Everyone is still innocent until proven guilty, and that's a standard we must continue to respect if we want women's accusations to be taken seriously.
6
Looking at the pictures of the woman making the accusations, sorry but I forgot her name, looks like a poor, disturbed waif.
I feel for such broken people. I hope that she can find professional mental health care.
She wanted to lay in the bed and not take out the garbage. I would yell at such a person. She has the narcissist personality.
4
Seriously? Emotional abuse?
Spare me - and everyone else.
Keep your private problems to yourself.
4
I'm so confused. NYT please tell me what to think ASAP. This doesn't seem to fit into the Political Correct Agenda Handbook. I looked in the index and couldn't find anything.
5
It is important to distinguish physical abuse from emotional abuse.
1
@david
It's even more important to distinguish abuse from nothing of the kind.
5
Falling in love with a narcissist is an exciting as it gets - on a superficial level. They are the center of the universe - where the sun, moon and stars revolve around them. You can join them on their ride to fame and fortune, bask in the their spotlight but the moment you play victim, you loose. My advice is shut up and move on.
7
Violence is one thing; that’s not acceptable, but yelling at someone, even profanely, is just how things go sometimes. You don’t like it? Then terminate the relationship. End of story.
23
This sounds like a woman who is not emotionally stable and who is reeling from being dumped.
19
Narcissistic abuse? Really? Come on ladies, this is going too far. If he treats you badly, leave him.
16
Seems the person in this article who can legitimately use #metoo is Mr. Keith Ellison.
19
This woman makes a mockery of women who have been physically and sexually abused. She will set back the MeToo movement.
Everyone who has had a relationship that didn't work out or a bad breakup is not a "victim of abuse".
I so hate it when this happens because women who have been abused physically and sexually won't be take seriously when people like Ms Monahan is trying to jump on the bandwagon to get her moment in the sun.
Please Ms Monahan, for your sake and ours, get a life, go away. Get counseling before this incident defines your life and ruins others.
18
Going by just the facts presented in the story, it seems truly unfortunate on different levels that these accusations are being covered in the New York Times and being used as political fodder. It seems that Mr. Ellison lost his temper and spoke and acted out of anger in a personal relationship that had become highly contentious. If that is a disqualification for leadership and a matter deserving of pubic exposure and disapprobation, how many heads would be on the chopping block?
There is a huge difference between sustained and malicious emotional abuse for the purpose of demeaning and dominating someone and lashing out in the midst of a highly charged conflict. The facts as reported in the story support the latter situation rather than the former.
If there is nothing more to the accusations that what has been reported here, the woman making them is doing a grave disservice to Metoo which addresses very real and serious instances of abuse and harassment by this display of what appears to be exaggerated self concern motivated by an angry vengeance.
19
Sorry but everything about Ms. Monahan's accusations indicate that she's lying like a Trump. She won't produce the video, or maybe she no longer has it. Her email got hacked and everything got deleted, the old Tony Weiner ploy. Everyone else is lying except her.
I don't believe her in the slightest, I wish for the best for Keith Ellison, and I hope he manages to get past this. I think the #metoo movement is vital and it disgusts me when people try to abuse it by making up these kind of false accusations.
12
@Dan Stackhouse
"Lying like a Trump" LOL
Love it and I will use it!
Thanks.
3
THATS emotional abuse??? You should have married my ex. I had a bucket of water thrown on me when I was in bed. If I dared said no to sex he waited until I was sleeping soundly then, around 2AM, he would jump out of bed, throw all the covers on the floor and scream at me for an hour, and not to forget this one, refused to speak or interact with me for 3 weeks while I took care of our 4 children under 5 because, again, I said no to sex. And this got WORSE during the the 35 years of our marriage.....there’s a lot more I could tell but you get the idea. I only wish I went through your one “traumatic “ episode. Get real, lady.
13
>She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims.
Uh. Why does this article need to be written? It doesn't look like the NYT was able to find a single person to interview who was willing to support Ms. Monahan, on the record, in her claims that Ellison was abusive, besides Ellison's direct political opponent. Bad breakups happen, and it was kind of Ellison to let his ex stay in his home until she found a place, but that situation can easily cause arguments.
10
@Diana- victims need to prove their claims.. period. end of story. that's the way it works here.. We're not in china or russia.
3
Al Franken was forced to resign because he pulled a dumb joke.
Keith Ellison gets the benefit of the doubt.
Another case of bending over backwards to support the far left by the far left and the far left media.
4
@G
A story like this can only hurt Keith Ellison, so how does that fit your conspiracy theory?
1
I suggest that the Times interview a few of Ms. Monahan's previous boyfriends - if they aren't in hiding.
25
She almost had me with the narcissist abuse until I read she accused Ms. Hurtado of stealing her boyfried's affections— a year after the break-up. Enough already! Stuff like this and the Ronell matter have the potential to sink the MeToo movement as fast as it arose if the movement embraces these women, and that would be bad for everyone.
13
This article is a perfect example of how this so-called #MeToo movement is just a scam that's mostly a media driven spectacle with one sole objective. To dis-empower men and to only empower women (primarily). This is a social justice Trojan horse. And Ms. Melody Hoffman's attitude requires that she ends up in an asylum. The fact that the subject of this article wasn't even ONCE quoted, but nevertheless; The New York Times ran with an ALLEGATION as if it was somehow proof of anything, tells you just how sad state of affair really is. Lastly, why is Ms. Monahan airing her dirty laundry to the New York Times in the first place ?
4
This boils down to "You should not elect this guy because he was such a jerk to me in our private life".
Although I don't support elected officials who are jerks to their own loved ones, this entire article sounds like hearsay and gossip!
8
@Red Ree- she was a jerk too, if you believe Amirah. Why shouldn't we?
6
Ms. Monahan clearly has issues.
Does Mr. Ellison? Of course.
One seems like damaged goods, the other is a politician.
Humanity in all its glory and fragileness.
2
Ms Monahan
You don’t have to go out with every man that asks.
Be more selective.
I’ve been single and dating since 1974.
I know what I’m saying when I tell you to get over it.
Move on or buy a cat.
13
Oh Please. Hearsay and Innuendo.
Nothing verified by anyone.
He said, she said.
5
This is the emotional version of the Aziz Ansari allegations. Aziz's situation wasn't a "me too," it was just bad sex. Likewise, this isn't a "me too", it's just a bad relationship.
13
Narcissist abuse? From the article it sounds like if a person has a relationship with a narcissist and that narcissist remains a narcissist then the narcissist is being abusive by being a narcissist. That seems...off. People have relationships with other people. All people are flawed. You take them or leave them with their flaws. You don't get a right to determine that they should fit into your ideal mold of a person and if they do not then it is their problem. That sounds kind of abusive.
1
It looks like the real narcissist here is the accuser. Classic projection.
“She continued to call on Mr. Ellison for assistance in text messages seen by The New York Times. In May, she contacted him when she ran out of gas on the highway. And in June, she sought a meeting with him to discuss the case of a pregnant woman, who she said had unjustly been sent to prison”
Monahan also harassed Ellison’s new girlfriend relentlessly on social media, accusing her of affection robbery. These are behavioral traits of a classic narcissist who cannot abide rejection.
In a nutshell, Monahan wouldn’t leave his house after the relationship was over, and basically squatted there until she could secure a new residence (at her leisure), harassed his daughter, and continues to harass and threaten him. Why is this woman profiled with that t-shirt in the Times? It paints an awful picture of Ellison, until one actually reads the article.
First the smears by Dershowitz and AIPAC, now this. Poor Keith.
11
It is an error to state that Sen. Franken accused of unwanted sexual advances. Whatever Franken was accused of it was not a sexual advance. The primary Republican accuser was on a USO tour to perform as a sexpot and the descriptions offerred by the few participants in photo-ops were not consistent with any sort of "advance" in pursuit of sex. Please be more careful in your reporting.
8
I'm getting very tired of the #metoo movement.
7
I believe Ellison's ex-wife and his daughter, Amirah. Ms. Monahan seems to not be able to move on.
4
The #LieToo movement is definitely a mildly good thing gone horribly wrong.
Basically, if you are a girl (woman???) that didn't get what you wanted you just accuse a man of being inappropriate and let the games begin
Here' the new ash tag of the day:
#narcissisticabuse
I suggest that men need to wear hoods over their heads so there is no way to ogle or even pick out women for any reason. But if a woman would like to have an interaction with a man they, and only they, can remove the hood. And if anything goes wrong she can just slip the hood back on.
Good I'm smart.
2
Somehow the emails were deleted and the video is first misplaced and then won’t be shown....give me a break. Ridiculous!
6
Keith Ellison is the best candidate for MN State AG to protect the environment, consumers, and workers.
Even if if’s true that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend and once unsuccessfully tried to pull her out of bed for her to take out the trash, Minnesotans should still vote for him.
5
"Ms. Monahan claimed to have a cellphone video of the incident, but has so far declined to make it available to reporters. She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims."
That all but proves something to me...that Ms. Monahan is a liar.
7
Ellison's daughter's details ring exactly true.
The best used-car sales people have one top trick: they delude themselves into actually believing what they are saying. They're really good at it. Nothing sells like sincerity.
Lots of folks will believe "I'm an abuse survivor!" - and many more will just become confused. Win-win for the wicked step-girlfriend.
A perfect example of why it is called "mud-slinging". Not really substantive; but it sticks everywhere, is hard to clean off completely, and is just ugly.
Maybe a good retort for Keith to reporters: "Look, guys; I wish you could quit bringing this up; every time you do, I have to immediately take a long, hot, shower, with lots of soap. And, it steams the mirror up, so my narcissism starves. I think I'm becoming a survivor of slung-mud abuse."
4
Men like sex (most men do). If a wife gives a husband lots of sex, but also berates and belittles him, the husband still won't complain, because he's getting sex. Men are unhappy only when they're not getting sex. That, to a man, constitutes emotional abuse (sex deprivation). Men complain by seeking sex outside the marriage. I am not justifying infidelity. It actually nauseates me, but I think there's a direct relation between sex deprivation and infidelity.
Anyhow, many guys will complain about being stuck in a sexless marriage, but not about emotional abuse, because, to a man, sex deprivation IS emotional abuse. They are the same thing (going by two different names/descriptions). many husbands feel emotionally abused, but they don' call it "emotional abuse." They call it 'we never have sex anymore."
1
We don't know who is really guilty and who is fully innocent and yet, Media is publishing this story which will potentially damage Mr. Ellison's reputation for good. The irony is that the prominence media often gives to allegations is largely missing if in due course, a legal case emerges and the accused are proven innocent. Where is the responsibility of media in this age of allegations and counter allegations? If a legal case emerges from this (which I highly doubt) and if Mr. Ellison is proven innocent, then all Newspapers who covered this 'he said - she said story' with prominence should publish letters of apology on their front pages for the damage they may have caused to Mr. Ellison's reputation and career. If media's job is to hold people accountable, they should not shy away from the accountability for any damages that they may cause due to inaccurate reporting.
5
I long for the day that the worst thing a man does to a woman is call her a bad guest.
6
When Keith Ellison came on the DNC scene, I thought he was a racist, and a visibly angry man. As a Democrat, I was glad...no...relieved that Perez. I believe her!! Look at his speeches. Are they the speeches of a conciliatory person? His basic personality is laced with tension, resentment, and anger.
3
so being in a relationship with a wrong choice for you person is self abusive isnt it ? How do you claim that the overly self interested person is abusing you ? are you not an adult ? the terminology of "this doesnt work for me, i must take care of myself and walk away from this one" ??
1
Well we'll just have to elect the Republican. When ideological purity is at stake it's better safe than sorry.
/s
2
"Progressives" have created this atmosphere in which a mere, unproven allegation by a disgruntled ex-girlfriend or bad date can ruin you life. Let them live with the consequences of the society they've helped create. If Mr. Ellison is completely innocent of these accusations but his career is nevertheless destroyed--even better.
1
Mr. Ellison needs to take a break from these serial romantic involvements and focus on his daughter and career. He’s got too much going for him to risk this sort of needless drama. Without judging anyone, a pattern of unhealthy choices seems clear to me. Pause and gather yourself, sir.
2
I don't know what to make of this anymore. I am just exhausted by all this. I want to support #MeToo but it is just wandering into some strange territory. Compared to criminal conduct and physical or sexual assault, or workplace sexual harassment which is defined by law or company policy, this is extremely vague stuff. A lot of this sounds very much just an unhappy relationship of the kind that has existed since time immemorial, and where both parties will claim they are the aggrieved ones. They argue. They scream at each other. They have different recollections of how things happened (it's not always gaslighting, sometimes people just remember things differently...like the movie Rashomon.) But now progress requires us to to take sides in unhappy relationships, and make snap judgments about the most private parts of two people's lives? I think this is where I get off the bandwagon.
532
@citybumpkin I'm exhausted by it too, and angry. This is not what womens' rights movements should look like or be like. We can fight for equal rights and full humanization without destroying men in the process. We can't defend our own humanity while stripping men of their humanness.
277
@citybumpkin- "strange territory" isn't the phrase to use, it's blatantly immoral and borderline illegal(being sued for slander). "Garbage in garbage out"... The garbage the leaders of #metoo are feeding women comes out as this type of garbage: "accuse first, then shame them, who cares if there's no proof". Disgusting, rotten, smelly, stinking garbage.
3
@citybumpkin Her statement that she shouldn't have to prove her allegations makes me pause. Allegations must have some proof or we are in a serious state of anyone can be brought down with unproven allegations. I am a strong supporter of victims of abuse but also know that today's story of the day can be a one sided thing.
8
The only thing I take away from this is that Keith Ellison is really bad at choosing partners with whom to start relationships and even worse at ending them.
2
There's a 'victim' here in Vancouver who accused a prominent professor of rape (they had been a couple); an independent investigation by a retired (female) supreme court justice was done and the professor was cleared - no rape had occurred. But the 'victim' continues to go around calling herself a 'survivor' and she is now suing the university for not doing enough to protect her . . . meanwhile, the professor, who had been fired by the university (because of the 'believe the victim' and the heck with due process or at least hearing the other side mentality), remains fired and without a job and a once-stellar reputation destroyed . . .
7
Me-Too or Glen Close?
" Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, Dan!" (Basic Instinct-1987)
11
This is too much. What is Narcissist abuse? We need to stop giving people excuses to be weak. Words are just words. If you don’t like how he talks to you then leave. As far as I’m concerned, Mr. Ellison did nothing wrong. We spend too much time trying to protect people’s feelings. Why should his name be tarnished because of some woman’s version of “how he spoke to her?”
It’s stuff like this that will hurt the future generations. We will never have strong leaders if we allow future generations to believe it’s ok to be victimized by words. Ms. Monahan won’t even provide documentation of the emotional abuse; siting she feels she doesn’t need to prove her abuse. So will it become ok now to just make accusations against someone without proof? If your words are so strong then why couldn’t you stand up to your abuser? I really do hope this does not broaden the #MeToo movement. There is absolutely no substance here.
6
Sad, how people must air their dirty laundry on social media. To do so, is vindictive.
4
So, Ms. Monahan refuses to release the video of abuse she claims to have because "victims should not be forced to prove their claims." Oh, really? Really?
7
Surprise! We are all still human.
This sounds like a mutually abusive relationship. Time to move on.
1
My: he said, and she said!
Abuse? Who has not had nasty things said to them and about them? Abuse?
The ancient Romans would have laughed at this. They had the legal dictum that said one witness was simply hearsay: only two or more witnesses were credible.
This type of scenario is pure idiocy: and most probably orchestrated for - and by - PR.
4
NYT, when you write, “He WARNED her not to violate his privacy,” what are you referring to? From what I have read elsewhere, Ellison responded to Monahan with disbelief that she would violate his privacy by discussing the relationship in a memoir. But the word “warning” connotes a threat of some sort, as in, “Don’t you dare do this,” or “If you do X, then I will do Y.” “Warned” implies that he communicated to her that there would be some consequence for her if she went through with her plans. But if all he did was express disbelief, to me, that does not constitute a “warning.” And in that case, your use of the word “warned” would be highly irresponsible.
2
@Munazza Humayun He texted to not make him prove he was serious, which I took to mean he’d get lawyers involved if he had to
I am tired of the anonymous accusations of groping while having a picture taken with Sen. Franken at the Minnesota State Fair inflated (in articles about other people) to be "unwanted sexual advances" by Sen. Franken. The pictures were taken in front of crowds (see recent NYT coverage of Minnesota State Fair crowds) often containing husbands or other relatives of self-reported "victims" and rarely consumed more than one or two minutes of time.
Please--for accuracy--stop labeling an alleged "hand on my (bottom) during the picture taking" to be in the same category as an "unwanted sexual advance". Note your article's failure to include "alleged" or "anonymous accusation" qualifiers for what 6 to 8 women said in addition to the Republican fellow USO cast member who submitted a picture intended to be a joke for other cast members of the comedy show.
Sen. Franken was denied due process; the voters of Minnesota were cheated out of the senator for whom they voted and still support. While I blame Sen. Gillibrand and timid Democratic leadership, I blame media for lack of accuracy in reporting facts which continues today.
17
I have no use for Gillibrand anymore. Use to respect her from the time she was a representative for my district. She lost sight of the big picture in driving out Senator Franken who was best and brightest in the Senate.
7
It seems pretty clear that Ms. Monahan's claims are, at the very least, suspicious. She threatened Mr. Ellison with a tape, that she won't produce, she showed evidence of jealousy, and she threatened other people in his life. Whatever she suffered in the relationship, right now we have more evidence of her emotionally abusing him than vice-versa.
This is not a "he said, she said" situation where we would (in a post #metoo world) usually side with the victim. We can say for sure that at least one of Ms. Monahan's claims is not supported by evidence. Vengeance is only justice if the facts are supported by the evidence available. Saying you have a tape when you don't is illegal! (Libel) If Mr. Ellison looses his election and he can show she lied about the tape he can sue her for a lot of damages.
I was a victim in an abusive relationship, and I would probably say something if my abusive partner ever ran for office, but I wouldn't say I had a tape if I didn't.
5
Why didn't Monahan leave the relationship when it soured?
2
I’m sorry but this sounds like a girlfriend who is angry that she lost her boyfriend. She is now making up a new abuse “narcissistic abuse” if that was true abuse all Americans would have it from Trump. All these baseless accusations against new girlfriends and her constant Twitter requests says she’s not afraid and still wants him in her life. I believe she wants him back or she wants his life destroyed.
417
@Beth Welsh
Exactly. You are describing the fable of the Dog in the Manger.
1
"A victim should not have to prove her claim"? Seriously? If she has incriminating evidence against him, why wouldn't she release it, at the very least to bolster her credibility? Unless, of course, it doesn't really exist...
7
Relationships are tricky things. As they start to unravel both sides often behave badly. But when women continue to stay because they don't have the resources to get out, the problem turns to victimization. The women's movement continues to empower women - when they have financial and emotional resources and are taught value and independence, they are able to move away from a harmful situation.
Women cannot be enablers and then victims. But too many women feel men are their ticket to success and too often that's true. The #metoo movement is a great first step and the new generation of women seem to have more independence.
Success will come when a Harvey Weinstein is immediately held accountable and not protected by his corporation during decades of abuse.
1
There is a reason people are attracted to one another and a reason that those relationships work or don't work. Behavior happens in a context of relationships. So, is it possible that he had a non violent relationship with is wife and not with this other woman? Yes. And, this is not an attempt to blame any of the parties.
Narcissists gravitate towards roles like politicians, CEO's, performers, lecturers like religious leaders, managers, and doctors. They love positions of power and attention.
Do your homework before getting into bed with folks that fit this bill, get out when you see trouble, and address your issues that attracted you to this kind of person in the first place. It takes two to Tango.
None of us know exactly what happened in this relationship but from what has been presented here, this accusation seems like a bridge too far in what is generally a needed reckoning of how people treat each other. (as we've seen recently, it's not always men abusing women). Who hasn't been in a relationship where there wasn't some kind of "emotional abuse" going on? This shouldn't be a disqualifier for someone's professional life. There are a lot of real victims out there that deserve acknowledgement and justice but it also seems we live in a society where people like to portray themselves as victims.
4
I couldn't get through this. It sounds like none a cross between none of my business and a bad soap opera. I'm going to leave it alone, it's not in the public interest.
7
I look forward to the day when the most courageous thing a person does is done in private. She could have left him, she could have gone to the police. All quietly. But for goodness sake, stop broadcasting every little thing that happened to you in life, the good and the bad. The media has more important things to report while trying not to get shot (see Boston Globe today).
6
"emotional abuse"
That phrase and the blubbering it comes with basically sums up the infantilization of American society that prevents serious discussions and the productive airing of opposing views.
It will always to someone, somewhere be bullying and "emotional abuse".
4
This accusation by Ms Monahan is only part of my concern about Mr. Ellison. There is a record of one of his girlfriends calling 911 because of his behavior at her home. As a Minnesotan I’ve read a series of stories that make me realize he’s a guy who does what he wants and gets away with it. For example: multiple driver’s license revocations for failure to pay tickets, personal tax fraud, campaign finance fraud, Louis Farrakhan association, AND a nearly 7% record in congress for missing votes. Not exactly the guy to be our AG.
4
In the current environment, Keith Ellison will find it hard to fight back. If everyone who shouted a profanity at his/her significant other is to be publicly persecuted, the way of celibacy may be the only path left for rational people.
4
As I read this article, I kept thinking of Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Instead of boiling the pet rabbit, we have public shaming in the guise of "me too" movement.
4
Why would any politician in the future date anyone...your reputation may be smeared and ruined on any accusation -- no evidence, facts or legal process needed -- so why risk it.
Is this what we want.
Most of us realize if someone didn't "love" or "care" for another the way they wanted or imagined you should have, they could claim emotional abuse.
And of course most accusers would never ponder how perfect they are.
This case is like millions of relationships, many don't work out and someone who didn't get exactly what they wanted can claim abuse in some form.
Some supporters of this movement where any accusation is without question true and a form of abuse equivalent to rape or assault, need to grow up.
This story should have remained private and the fact the woman publicized it will give pause to anyone in the future having anything to do with her.
Who could ever trust her to be fair, and I'm sure she's never considered the possibility she has faults and shortcomings herself, or thought about her own contributions to why the relationship wasn't working.
No, looking in the mirror is only for the guy to do. And only he apparently has agency.
Metoo is on the edge of becoming as toxic as what it set out to expose and try and remedy. Frightening.
2
The comments to this story make me sad. One in four relationships contain symptoms of emotional abuse, which includes yelling, cursing, shaming, questioning excessively, belittling, lying to make someone think they are at fault or crazy, silent treatment, and others. People who end up in these types of relationships are drawn to abusers because they start off hot and intense, the abuser is often preening for their prey: charismatic, attentive, loving, giving, supportive. It can seem like a fairytale until 2 years later you are contemplating divorce every 2 weeks, crying on a weekly schedule (abuse is cyclical), so broken and unsure it’s hard to concentrate or hold down a job or be meaningfully productive.
This is abuse that is a silent killer, it is a constant extreme stressor. And it can take longer to recover from than being hit...because it’s pervasive.
Also if there are children involved, you’ll never escape the abuser. They’ll continue to attempt to harm their ex through parenting interactions. It’s so harmful and so insidious. And people in this post who commented have obviously never experienced it or known of anyone who experienced it. That’s because we don’t talk about it. Victims are almost never believed. They don’t act the way we think victims should. They look shifty and depressed. Or irrational because they have been emotionally damaged.
1
@SouthernDemocrat
"One in four relationships ..." What is your source for that "statistic"?
It sounds so good and is so handy to make things like that up, why kinda like women making up tales of abuse, I think
1
@SouthernDemocrat
Sorry, but as a child of divorce who grew up in 1970s New York I know allllllll about parents who put their kids in the middle of their emotional breakup dramas and ongoing wars with exes. I'm an expert. Sometimes children need to be protected from an abusive ex, true, but often they need to be protected from needy, cunning, manipulative"victims" who involve their children in their dramas. They can be abused by both sides of the former "adult" team, you see.
The woman in this story actually seems like an abuser if anything. Ellison's daughter's testimony is quite compelling. If Keith is to be pilloried here I'd say his biggest crime is letting this crazy woman into his life in the first place, then having her move in with his daughter before really getting to know her. Use better judgement, Keith. Think with the big head.
One thing is paramount: children are not comfort animals; keep them out of adult dramas.
4
I am becoming outraged over the current abuse of the Me Too moment. The idea that a woman can accuse a former partner of Narcissistic abuse is patently absurd. That's like saying a partner's vanity is hurtful to your psyche. Have we no shame as women who have to be especially responsible in how we use the power to accuse someone of actual abuse?
This woman who is accusing Keith Ellison, on the verge of running for Attorney General, raises many questions. Not the least of these is the self serving idea that she had no agency in her relationship and was only a victim. She had no ties to keep her in an allegedly abusive relationship. I do not believe a word she has said and do not believe a woman should be believed just because she is a woman. For the record, I am a woman and a Psychiatric Social Worker.
5
This is one of those that needs to be decided in court, unfortunately, because all parties involved sound unstable. But that’s what abused women do — they pick abusers because without even realizing it, they go towards the “familiar” when they meet a new man, and the familiar, for those women, is not going to turn out well.
There’s also enough here to make this guy extremely suspect. Narcissists love to choose damaged women (or men) so they can frighten and control them. They also love too run for office.
The #MeToo movement with its proposed "zero tolerance" and refusal to accept the complexity of human relationships among adults and in workplaces is not without its critics. Some of us whose careers were spent in workplaces far different than the ones which exist today under laws far different (not enough!) than the laws in effect today warned those who rushed to judgment about men who crossed lines of appropriate conduct that standards of due process had a place in the movement. Zero tolerance is inflexible and does not resolve every issue with equal grace.
What is applicable in the workplace may not achieve the best outcome. When the exposure of the failures of intimate relationships becomes a matter of election politics, the character of the opponent who uses such failures in ad's may indicate his own unfitness for office. Ms. Monahan's childhood abuse may be the source of her issues, not Ellison.
Keith Ellison is accused of one instance of physical contact which he denies and no evidence has been provided. The accusation of "Narcissist Abuse" seems like one of those problems only people with too much money and too much time, but too little maturity have with their former boyfriends. While nearly all voters are horrified by actual physical violence against people, children and pets, mental illness makes voters uncomfortable and their threats less likely to be believed.
Wardlow should not be using the personal pain of the people involved as an election issue.
3
She was a girlfriend for gods sakes. Get up a leave if you didn't like the situation. There were no marital bonds, no impediments to her leaving, no rationales that she was forced to stay in an abusive relationship. Simply standing up and saying "Im outta here" wouldve been the only act needed.
3
I made the decision to not vote for Keith Ellison in the primary for MN Attorney General well before the allegations from Ms. Monahan came out. Regardless of whether or not the allegations are true they directly relate to why I thought he was a bad candidate for statewide office. The man is just a hot mess.
Parking ticket and fines problems, income tax problems, girlfriend problems… I look at all of these stupid transgressions and poor life choices and just don’t see a responsible adult. Ellison is a talented politician in some regards, he promotes progressive policies I agree with, but there are plenty of worthy candidates out there who are equally talented and don’t bring the drama. Ellison was a good fit for the MN-05 Congressional district. It’s an urban, liberal area where Keith can be Keith and his shortcomings never show up on the radar.
Minnesota AG should have been an easy win for a Democratic (DFL) candidate but with Ellison it will be a lot harder. I hope he wins in the general and I will vote for him. Why? Because his opponent, Doug Wardlow, is from the far-right fringes of the Republican Party and has a long history in anti-LGBTQ politics. While I may find Ellison disappointing, Wardlow scares me and doesn’t belong in any elected office anywhere.
8
The fundamental problem here is, this man -regardless of whether you believe his accuser or not - has serial relationships with women while raising his daughter. He may well not be engaging in "narcissist abuse" but he certainly has loose morals and poor judgement. Does Minnesota want to sign up for that?
2
@Elizabeth Gross Did you vote for the serial adulterer in the WH?
2
This is simply TOO MUCH.
Look, we all have problems. NO ONE: not a single person of any race creed gender or culture comes without baggage. Nobody is peaches and creram; nor is a fair shake or even hand ever to be found in any relationship. Why because our expectations are never met nor can we always be the person we think we are or want to be all of the time or even a lot of the time.
We really never know what we are really getting into in any man/woman relationship. But for Ms. Alexander to torpedo Mr. Ellison in this manner isn't just reprensible but it ought to be illegal. However, our slander and libel laws have been overcome by conflicting points of view on free speech especially of public figures like Ellison. So she has a complaint because Mr. Ellison IS somebody.
Alexander grandstanding her pain and suffering by the treatment of someone she "thought" loved her only smacks of hateful push-back and her own brand of vengeful narcissim.
"Believing" Karen is a Rorschach test for readers to play upon their own projections in such matters in their owns lives; fruitless.
For the NYT to offer her a forum to vent is reveals our failure to understand the above realities of our flawed performances in partnership with others.
Funny women really are sure they want alpha males but fail to understand that by unconsciously attracting tough men who they cannot change or tame; they inevitably suffer unwanted consequences.
A blame game isn't live and learn; forgive and forget.
2
"I bruise you. You bruise me. We both bruise so easily."
"All I know" Art Garfunkel
4
You have GOT to be kidding! I refuse to even read the details. If there was no physical abuse or restraint then she should have stood on her two feet and walked away, temporarily or permanently.
I’ve been married 31 years to a great guy and there were PLENTY of times when one or both of us could have accused the other of emotional abuse, yet we both consider ourselves happily married because we grew from such episodes. It’s called LIFE.
I’m beginning to think some young women are completely out of touch with reality. They don’t understand themselves. They don’t understand men whom society is empowering them to attack for ridiculous reasons.
They often even deny that men and women are different. They are profoundly different, thank goodness. The average man is 4” taller, weighs 30 lbs more, and has far more upper body muscle mass than the average woman. Testosterone surges through him daily in amounts 400%-12000% greater than any woman ever experiences. The #MeToo movement is right in highlighting abuse of those differences or abuse of authority.
This new charge of emotional abuse disempowers women completely. I’m female, but I am not a wimp. I know how to speak up for myself.
The idea of ruining a man’s career over such nonsense is so repugnant, I want a new hashtag. Something like: #ForCryingOutLoudNotMeToo!
4
She is correct in her description of abuse from someone with narcissistic personality disorder--it is very difficult to describe to outsiders because the abuser figures out how to target an individual in a very hurtful, torturing way that may not be readily obvious to others. It is mocking, gaslighting, constantly picking fights and them blaming the partner for being upset, raging, put downs, controlling behavior. It is utter torture and very very painful to live through. It is difficult from this article to know for sure what has happened but people with NPD are often very successful at recruiting others to aid them (knowingly or not) in the creation of a charming facade and in discrediting victims. My ex was arrested for flagrant, harmful violations of our child custody order and he went around telling everyone I must be sleeping with the police and getting favors in return. His claims are absolutely ludicrous, but who from the outside might believe them, just a little? This is the tactic routinely employed by the White House these days, and is why Trump being elected president was a slap in the face to countless victims of emotional abuse.
3
Thank you, supposedly the general public is so unaware of this stuff it hurts to even talk about, but they are still not believing women and blaming the victim. Further, classifying her as mentally unstable. Granted when we are in that kind of relationship our behavior certainly can get wild.
The intrigue and drama is unending. Supposedly Ellison is a hot mess in all aspects.
2
I don't believe in these kinds of accusations unless they're directed against Republicans.
1
I am a heterosexual woman who went through a several-year period of harassment at the hands of a female (former) friend and neighbor who suffered from a personality disorder. She was convinced that I had harmed her emotionally and went after me with great vengeance.
None of her accusations - against me and others - were even remotely true. Some were positively delusional. For example, she had a whole theory about a mutual friend that his spouse had met him when he was a teenage prostitute living on the street when, in fact, he had been a college student from a wealthy family.
I bring this up because this story gives me a sense of deja-vu.
The idea that all women should always be believed is silly. We're half the population. That is a lot of women. Not everyone is credible. Barring further information, I believe Ellison's daughter here.
5
Interesting take on all the Keith Ellison apologists? I wonder if they’d be so understanding if it were a GOP party leader? Tribalism is a road to nowhere. I sincerely hope we can get the political middle back into the game. Extremists are choking our great nation and the middle is sitting as sheep amidst the wolves. The problem solvers caucus is the embodiment of politics returning to some level of leadership that is open to bipartisanship. Learn how we can get the extremists to the fringes. www.nolabels.org
4
Ms. Monahan definitely is on to something here in her description of the emotional abuse (other than the dragging-across-the-bed incident, which is physical abuse) she endured and the devastating psychological effect that living with a Narcissist can have upon a person. However, let's be clear about two things: First and foremost, she could have -- and should have -- ended the relationship at any time. People in bad relationships tend to stay in them for all kinds of reasons. They put up with the cheating, etc. because they have made a mental calculus that the benefits of the relationship offset the negatives. Admittedly, it is easy for those of us on the outside to question why she stayed in such a horrid relationship -- but the bottom line is that it was an individual decision that she made and she alone is responsible for her choice. It may have taken her awhile to figure things out, but she did get out, albeit with some psychological scarring. Second, let's also be clear that the emotional abuse described by Ms. Monahan is gender neutral (as opposed to the Harvey Weinsteins of the world, who almost exclusively are male). Women are just as likely as men to cheat, lie, abuse alcohol, etc. and act in a manner that is Narcissistic -- commonly manifested as Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD women inflict tremendous psychological damage to the men and children in their lives that is every much as devastating as that described by Ms. Monahan.
What part of this is news? People have bad relationships. As Daryl Hall said, "The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay". Please let's not elevate bad relationships to a) a medical diagnosis, and b) news.
2
"She sent him screenshots of the messages, and accused him of “soul-rape,” according to text messages she posted later on social media. She told him she might write a memoir about their relationship. He warned her not to violate his privacy."
So now; we can all take a trip in our way-back machine to drudge up old grievances of being "done wrong". I will start with the guy who "knew" I wanted him to ask me to the prom 47 years ago, then move on to the guy who wouldn't call-me-back.
Seriously; this is a disgraceful abuse of trying to attach oneself to the very real problem of sexual abuse and assault.
4
So let me get this straight: she is on the bed, they are fighting, and he then drags her off the bed. Ms. Monahan has the presence of mind to pull out her camera, focus, and videotape the incident. And Mr. Ellison, seeing her taping him, does not stop to think "Hmm, this is not going to be good for me." Please! I am a certified feminist and this is ridiculous. This woman has " issues".
7
Humans can get very nasty and abusive to each other and seldom do they know why they do it or why they don't stop those who do it to them until it's too late and now they're the ones doing the abusing. Domestic violence isn't domestic. It's public health crisis. Yet, so is abusing abusers. Just because a person is a victim doesn't automatically give them the right to behave unfairly. I feel very abused when nobody even looks at me and that happens in New York for weeks at a time. Just because I'm older, I'm invisible. Except when I count my change at the supermarket too slowly, then I get lots of attention! Maybe I'll sue God?
Call me chopped liver? Sorry for your problems, you young and attractive and wonderfully shallow people.
1
Sounds like she was unhappy with Mr Ellison during the whole relationship, not because of physical abuse, but because she didn't like the way he was; sounds like she had a bad relationship with his daughter.
She should have broken up with him when she was unhappy. There is no physical or sexual abuse here.
Being unhappy and having a bad breakup are not abuse. It's life.
Get a life Ms Monahan. Stop trying to milk this for as much as you can. The relationship did not work out.
4
The Democratic party is very lucky it didn't elect him as chairman.
3
"Self-Centered" people- also known as ALL POLITICIANS.
I think this is a case of #MeToo, but the abuser is Karen Monahan and the victim is Keith Ellison. The article says that she frequently accused him of cheating (no proof ever offered) leading to blowout arguments. That is emotional abuse. His daughter even suggests a pattern of abuse when Karen uses the daughter's bedroom as a closet.
Keith has had a lot of women in his life, and all of them are standing by him except this one. That seems odd.
We are silly to think that only men are abusers. I suspect that there are also a fair number of female abusers out there, and I imagine that their preferred method would be emotional abuse.
6
Clarence Thomas was accused of sexual harassment by Anita Hill just because he asked her a few times to come with him to lunch and in one or two occasions said some kind of jokes. Liberals in this country decarded that he was unfit to become Supreme Court Justice. Things were going downhill for conservatives and Republicans until this time. Now liberals are facing the real thing. Many of them have been accused of credible abuse. Let the people decide the fate of Ellison after properly evaluating the case by asking questions and obtaining information. If the lady is falsely accusing him of abuse, she should be held accountable. Probably we need a law to deal with false and made up accusations.
2
@Alex E sure, those jokes were really funny. Like the one about the Coke can when he was her supervisor. What a hoot.
It was more than asking Anita Hill out. Apparently you weren't around or weren't interested enough to follow the preceedings. I also find fault with your labeling any of this as liberal or conservative. The committee was bipartisan, run by Joe Biden and approved Thomas.
1
I'm sorry, but WHY EXACTLY is this story being reported on by respectable news organizations such as the Times instead of being relegated to the tabloids?
I'm not dismissing Monahan's complaints in the slightest, but there's a certain minimum zone of privacy that everyone should be entitled to, public figures included. This seems to fall squarely in that zone. This story is highly embarrassing to both Ellison and Monahan, and their breakup doesn't deserve to be turned into a public spectacle, no matter how obnoxious Ellison was or wasn't.
I thought we already went through this with Aziz Ansari. Babe.net was roundly criticized for publishing that story. How is this any different?
2
One person in the article claims “Karen Monahan is exploiting a movement.” How? It’s seems like a perfect fit. A woman feels abused. She bravely comes forward. Points out her abuser and naturally hopes for the same kind of justice that other victims are only now starting to receive. Why, she asks, should this abusive man hold a position of public power when his private life reveals him to be a kind of monster? The foundation of the MeToo movement is that we believe the accuser. Why would she lie? This has always been a flawed and potentially dangerous premise, ripe for revenge and retaliation.
“I want to make sure that women are believed,” said Betsy Hodges, a former mayor of Minneapolis. “I also want to make sure that we follow a process when we evaluate.”
But who is “we”? This is a fundamental question that no one in the MeToo movement has satisfactorily answered. Is it a court of law, a judge, a jury? Or is it a group of people who simply believe the accuser? And what is this “process” that “we” follow? Who defines it? The legal system has a process. Are we using it or bypassing it in the hope of a swifter outcome, one more to our liking? Harvey Weinstein will have his day in court but many others who summarily lost their jobs will not.
1
It's impossible for us outsiders to know the truth here, but it sounds like the dynamics are not too unusual. If we screened all our would-be public servants against family dysfunction, who would be left to serve?
9
It appears that Keith Ellison was lucky to get out of a bad relationship. No doubt he shares some fault, but as it has been said before, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
16
Representative Ellison has done good work for our state. The MeToo movement has done good for our country. Both subjects are complex, with many undertones.
Having said that, I do wish Ellison would get out ahead of this, and talk to the people of Minnesota. I actually believe every women referenced in this article, and thank Turkewitz and Stockman for digging down into a sad story. People are complex and flawed. Would I date Ellison? Never. Would I vote for him? It depends on the policy differences he and his opponent voice in their campaigns.
3
I feel relieved! I feel so informed. I know so much about Mr. Ellison's policies, his approach as he runs for AG, and how he motivates people. He stands firmly with the people. Thanks for enlightening me about gossip, none of which speaks to character, and none of which is mine or anybody else's business.
19
Time for a 300 million person class action suit against our Dear Leader for emotionally abusing the Constitution and the American people.
23
1. We have no-fault divorce so that people can "move on" without blistering narratives of fault scarring them forever, win or lose, in court. Why initiate fault narratives in public media? Do we really miss "fault-based" break up narratives so much?
2. A Twitter-mob, or Facebook-mob, is still a mob, and a lynch mob is still a lynch mob, even if just a reputational lynching. If we are to have a "fault trial," let's return from mob-rule to the courthouse. And if people really want to restore "fault" to the break-ups of relationships, let's do it right. (Please review some 1950's noir films to get a good sense of it.) Let the sworn testimony begin.
OR, we could not confuse sex-without-consent with two people b*tching at each other.
44
We know there is a generational sea change happening to our democracy when one of the pillars of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, The New York Times, stoops to the level of unsubstantiated gossip. Your publication is not a Facebook post, it is what a majority of Americans are relying on for fact based truth telling during an era of so-called “Fake News”. Narcissistic gossip already occupies The White House. Learn to pause before you participate in the potential destruction of another human being.
2
Almost everyone who has gone through a break up has felt emotionally abused. When your former paramour is a public figure, or an authority figure this must present a tempting opportunity to get even. I've been on both sides of the MeToo issue, decades ago I was sexually harassed at a major film studio by a couple of managers, one of whom has since been in trouble multiple times. Needless to say, they did not take my rejections lightly. Years later while directing a film I was accused (falsely) by a person I'd hired who also did not take rejection well. Looking back, I'm sure I exercised poor judgement on both occasions. In the first incident, by not reporting the harassment to management, and in the second instance, for not recognizing earlier how severely unbalance my employee was. I should have set strict parameters much earlier. By the time I did it was too late to avoid the problem. My greater regret however, was that I didn't report my managers to studio HR in the first instance. I'm not sure they would have done much in those days-The studio payed hush money to at least one victim, but if I'd reported them perhaps I could have saved future victims from suffering.
16
I've hear others say that THEY would probably not consider "sticking to marital vows" germane in terms of whom they vote for.
Maybe, it's just me - raised when "sleeping around" was thought to be worse than "not nice" - but I'm not sure I'd feel the same about Bill Clinton after Monica as before - to oversimply things.
BUT this case sure sounds to me - and yes, I would hope that an "(R)" after the person's name wouldn't influence me more or less than seeing a "(D)" there - like making the TERRIBLE error of conflating a person's "relationship skills" (on a one-to-one and intimate basis) with his/her qualifications to hold this or that office.
AGAIN, I'm sure it's a matter of degree - Mr. Schneiderman comes to mind as a person who abused his power ... ever bit as much as he may have abused this or that woman.
But - hard to say with DJT as President - "being a saint" should never be a requirement for higher office.
IF NOTHING ELSE, the men and women who choose "public service" over what I still believe are easier ways "to have a good life" ARE very strong-willed. Mr. Ellison is "accused of" being overly self-centered. Of course, that's very much a matter of opinion, but my common sense tells me that a candidate for A.G. in Minn. or anywhere else *is* more likely to be "self-centered" than, say, the average voter.
I know it's a nasty debating trick to try to turn the tables, but it IS unfair to lambaste a woman as "too assertive." Yes, KE is accused of worse, but who knows?
2
of coarse he says he is not guilty, yet two women claim the same story. Of coarse in his beliefs he is entitled to treat women however he chooses. they are lucky that is all he did, their rules say he was able to do so much more. Do we really want someone in control of our government that will try to take away the freedoms that women had to fight so hard to obtain because it is what they have been taught their whole lives is the truth and because part of that teaching is women are second class citizens. Welcome to America men and women are equal here.
7
What "we" want? Are you cheerleading? What I want is to make a decision without the prejudgements that have been solidified after reading articles filled with rumors and innuendoes. After reading this article, it was pretty obvious to me that this situation is too messed up and needs to be resolved between the two of them. And until that time I will not be a party to labeling him as an abuser or labeling her as vindictive ex.
2
@debbie...Did you notice the part regarding the court proceedings dealing with the 2006 allegations? Apparently not.
4
@debbie
What are Representative Ellison's beliefs? What does that have to do with the story? Yes, you rightly point out that 2 women are very unhappy with Ellison. What do you say to the other women in the story? Don't they also have a right to be heard?
Ellison is from my state, and I assure you I have never seen anything to indicate Ellison wants to abridge any of my rights. Unless I've missed something?
4
I write this as a woman and a defense attorney. This article, and the accusations, are highly problematic. Even accepted at face value, Ms. Monahan's allegations amount to no more than a dysfunctional romantic relationship, not to abuse. Anyone who has been in a failing relationship can see that. Mr. Ellison should not pay professional and political consequences as a result of these accusations. Further, I fear that women like Ms. Monahan risk diluting the claims of women who have suffered true abuse, sexual and otherwise. She is clearly trying to get revenge against someone with whom she had a bad breakup, and her allegations -- without more -- should be dismissed as such. That Mr. Ellison is a Muslim and a man of color should make this yet more troubling. I am also disturbed that the Times chose to cover this, instead of exercising some judgment and recognizing Ms. Monahan's allegations for what they are.
255
@jyounes - How is this not a NYT pick? Great comment.
3
@jyounes
Yes, this comment should by a NYT "pick. Why is this saga getting so much coverage? The media has a role to play in this, and in not letting #MeToo coverage devolve into clickbait voyeurism.
3
"would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims"
Doesn't that say it all? We are losing excellent public servants, intellects and talents to a movement that is being drastically abused. From the descriptions in the article it seems he has a strong case for stalking. This movement needs to "give it a rest" and think for a moment and stop ruining lives for what too often is nothing more than out and out revenge. The movement will quickly lose all credibility and will find the preponderance of society simply rolling its collective eyes with further abuses of this movement. It will become "the boy who cried wolf."
35
@Mark Zilberman, LCSW
"would not provide it (the alleged video) because victims should not be forced to prove their claims"
I totally agree with you. This line stopped me in my tracks.
2
In my eyes, it lost credibility long before this incident. #MeToo has been turned into a man bashing sideshow and sadly it diminishes the challenges true victims must deal with.
2
Not a fan of Ellison. but what is emotional abuse and is it illegal? If you don't like the way your partner relates to you, move on. Life is too short.
31
This is a logical result of our culture and media refusing to clearly define the vague terms under #metoo, as well as refusing to engage an honest conversation about sex. #metoo is now being used for any grievance that can somehow be connected to gender.
Emotional abuse?? This is such a broad category and could be used to describe any relationship that ends badly, not to mention divorce. I would really implore the media and everyone to be more responsible and critical in their thinking so as not to overshadow all the real abuses of power, starting with our government. (Btw, your coverage of poverty facing an aging population I consider far more crucial and worthy of more investigation and advocacy.)
12
Finally the Times digs deeper. It is telling that MeToo movement spokespeople so often gloss over injustices and conflate messy breakups with abuse. It is obvious in this case the complainant has multiple emotional issues. Not all complaints should be taken at face value. And Al Franken should still be in Congress.
35
@rabbit
Yes.
1
Mr Ellison should not have allowed a stranger to move in with him and his teenaged daughter. None of the "complaints" Ms Monahan alleges sound real - yelling profanities and pulling someone off a bed could be foreplay, who knows what type of sex life they had? If she felt she were being abused, why didn't she call the police? Why did she continue in the relationship? I don't believe her.
17
Seriously? They had a tumultuous relationship and said mean things to each other (don’t believe for a second that it wasn’t two way). To call this “abuse” makes a mockery of the government techniques depicted in 1984.
36
The fight over the #metoo movement is usually between people who demand we throw out the baby, and those who are outraged if you dare suggest that we not keep all of the bathwater. I hope we can find another position somewhere.
Ms . Hoffman says “Unfortunately, this wave of women being believed is so new, we haven’t figured out how to nuance it,” True enough, but now is the time to start figuring out those nuances.
10
This tells you everything you need to know about these claims:
"Ms. Monahan claimed to have a cellphone video of the incident, but has so far declined to make it available to reporters. She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims."
Actually, victims are ALWAYS forced to prove their claims. It's called due process and maybe Ms. Monahan should read up on constitutional rights before making claims right before an election to get back at a boyfriend who left her.
81
So, Keith Ellison is an imperfect human being. He has, however, consistently and effectively represented the interests of consumers, the poor, minorities, and women. Does any progressive person in Minnesota doubt that he would be an outstanding Attorney General? Even if one credits the allegations of Mr. Ellison's former girlfriend, would you really rather have Doug Wardlow, the Republican candidate, as your Attorney General? Look up Mr. Wardlow on Wikipedia. Among other things, you'll find that he is legal counsel for a group called the "Alliance for Defending Freedom", which has been identified as an anti-gay hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Think about this, people.
47
am sorry - this is just a relationship gone sour. Reminds me too much to Aziz Ansari being pilloried for a bad date. Here it's a bad relationship. Deal with it like an adult.
40
This is a logical result of our culture and media refusing to clearly define the vague terms under #metoo, as well as refusing to engage an honest conversation about sex. It has resulted in being used for any grievance that can somehow be connected to gender.
Emotional abuse?? This is such a broad category and could be used to describe any relationship that ends badly, not to mention divorce. I would really implore the media and everyone to be more responsible and critical in their thinking so as not to overshadow all the real abuses of power, starting with our government. (Btw, your coverage of poverty facing an aging population I consider far more crucial and worthy of more investigation and advocacy.)
7
I am completely behind the #metoo movement, even if occasionally men are fired more on suspicion than proof. Not that I believe it is right to fire anyone on suspicion, but because for millennia, men have fired women for no reason except that they could. Even when these women were supporting children. No reason given (usually having to do, I suspect, with turning down the man's advances), no recourse. It is time men understand what has been happening to women. Really understand the power/powerless relationship. That way, we may learn other ways of behavior in the workplace. But - narcissist abuse? Please. This is an embarrassingly messy break-up and has nothing to do with anyone's political potential. It belongs in a therapist's office. Most of us, men and women, have suffered in relationships with partners who were incapable of seeing any viewpoint except their own. It hurts. It is humiliating, often. It is abominable. It is, however, a private problem. This woman is seeking revenge in a public place.
30
Women with poor self esteem, usually related to poor parenting, frequently find themselves in relationships that do not serve them well emotionally. That being said, it also be very difficult to recognize the vicious cycle of emotional abuse that one may suffer in a personal relationship that is toxic. Not all of these are necessarily associated with heterosexual interactions. Considering human foibles, it is a reality that your interactions with your best friend of the same sex may also be toxic to you. Again, these can be hard to recognize when not fundamentally understanding your own self worth. All that being said, it is the responsibility of each of us to nurture and care for ourselves. The complainant is this case has not taken any personal responsibility for her own issues. Very shameful that she feels the need to point the finger at Mr. Ellison.
9
Absoute nonsense! Ultimately it will excuse and cover those who haven’t a better idea about a candidate.
In the bigger picture, sad commentary on younger generations who will never find fault with their own behavior.
Look in the mirror!
6
I am not sure how Keith Ellison will have time to be Attorney General given all the romantic complications in his life. If Mr. Ellison is so thrown off his game by not being selected as Democratic party chair, he is clearly not capable of being a leader.The choice of Tom Perez as DNC chair is looking better & better. This entire article was incredibly uncomfortable to read and seemed like way too much information. However, my view of Mr. Ellison has changed and maybe voters need to know. Yuck.
10
@mb Changed based on accusations by someone who refuses to provide proof? Doesn't take much to change your mind, does it?
2
@J. Faye Harding
I agree that Ms. Monahan's story is unpersuasive. Perhaps, this article is a hatchet job (as I said too much information with the parade of girlfriends etc.) but Mr. Ellison does not come off well. He seems incredibly insecure. He may be qualified to be a legislative backbencher but I would not want him in an executive role. Goes into a tailspin and breaks up with his girlfriend due to a political setback? Character counts.
1
Wow.
I was born in a wrong decade in a wrong century when folks did not talk about these things in public for sure - and may be with family. I am pushing 70.
I do not know what to make of this except for the fact that this pendulum has swing too far. It's time for it to come back - real fast - before it hurts more folks. Some sanity is badly required.
I am of a generation like Dick Armey, ex Republican Majority leader. At the height or depth of Lewinsky and Clinton - he said this what his wife's reaction would be:"she will shoot me first before asking how do I load another bullet."
We don't live in that world of solid marriages and even now it appears casual relationship.
Unfortunately, for a voter like me (though I am not from Minnesota) - smoke means fire and a reason enough to doubt whether a vote for him for no less an AG is a deserving vote.
What happened to Mary Tyler Moore?
3
@Neil You're forgetting Mary Tyler Moore was an actress. In real life, I hate to break it to you, but she too was divorced and successfully remarried.
3
Falsely accusing anyone of abuse is reprehensible Ms. Hoffmann.
18
It shows that Ellison has bad judgement.
Whether Monahan's accusations are true or not, Ellison is still a man whose had multiple live-in partners. He never seems to work it out with any of these women. That he has had so many women with whom he cannot work it out shows that he has a problem with all women and an inability to connect with them.
9
Or it shows that he works 24/7, and is effectively not available when it comes to the reality of a serious relationship. Which does not necessarily mean that he has problems with women. But which does, if one is an emotionally mature adult, mean that the ethical thing to do is to explain to whomever you are dating that you are too preoccupied, not interested in, or not “good at” what people refer to as “normal” relationships...
...with normal” in quotes, because people seem to be reacting as if there were such a thing — as if the multitude of emotions, good and bad, that accompany any serious relationship do not affect or apply to them.
5
@Aunt Toocy As far as I have ever heard he's lived with TWO women; his ex-wife and Karen. Geez...you people are acting like he's with a new woman every 3 months!!!!!!
3
It sounds like Mr. Ellison is self centered and it also sounds like Ms. Monahan sadly has some emotional issues she has been unable to deal with. I really struggle when people like Ms. Monahan use facebook, etc to air grievances against a partner the have broken up with as a kind of retribution. Every bad end to a relationship doesn't qualify as a "metoo" moment. If that were the case, probably the majority of the population would have to be fired or chastised. Ms. Monahan needs to seek some counseling.
13
Agree, seems unhinged to air dirty laundry on social media. Something is wrong with both Ellison and Monohan.
1
"Ms. Monahan claimed to have a cellphone video of the incident, but has so far declined to make it available to reporters. She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims."
Memo to Ms. Monahan: People who make claims which can disrupt the lives of others should be prepared to buttress those assertions.
Otherwise they mean little and have no credibility.
35
It's a shame that #MeToo has turned from a legitimate movement to publicly shame monsters and bring issues to the attention of law enforcement and has now morphed into a tool of vengeance by vindictive ex-lovers. It started with the public airing of a bad date with Aziz Ansari and then a tumultuous relationship with Chris Hardwick. And now we have the potential destruction of a promising Democratic star, in a party bereft of them, by a woman scorned.
To make matters worse, recently the #MeToo movement has looked increasingly toothless against a powerful man like Les Moonves, who was accused of more heinous conduct with more concrete evidence. The digital lynch mob didn't swarm over Moonves probably because it has no idea who he is.
10
Pulling someone off a bed and shouting obscenities at them is "emotional abuse"? I thought that was called "being in a relationship."
I mean, seriously, if the behavior described here is the worst this woman suffered, she's lead a charmed life. Every girlfriend I've ever had treated me infinitely worse than this.
I am a 100% supporter of the #metoo movement, but airing out everyday fighting like this is entirely absurd.
34
Stories about sex are now a standard political strategy. We encourage the practice by letting the stories engage us. I think we are learning to ignore them.
Sex stories aside, who would you rather have as our Vice President: Keith Ellison who may have once attempted to drag a girlfriend off a bed but who is otherwise principled and a champion of the downtrodden, or Mike Pence the current VP, who calls his wife mother but who stands for the .1% ?
21
@Prairie Populist...Pence
,Mr. Ellison has been injudicious in choice of lady friends.
9
Is this the same man who was an aid to or very close to or friend of the notorious anti-Semite, Louis Farakhan? The entire world knew about Farahkan spewing anti-Jewish tirades. Mr. Ellison, however, said he knew nothing about Farakhan being a rapid anti-Semite. Of course, that can not be true. The press and Democratic party just gave Ellison a pass. He was made vice-chair of the DNC and he was a member of congress. Now a woman comes forward and tell us more about Ellison. She is being dismissed! It is grossly obvious that a double standard is being applied here. Ellisson is getting away with conduct and a history that no one else can today. This man should not be state AG.
12
He’s getting away with behavior no one else would be allowed to get away with? ARE YOU SERIOUS??? The president of the United States, virtually everyone in his orbit, and half of Congress both in the House and in the Senate is behaving far, far worse. And they are most definitely getting away with it.
Minus claiming no knowledge of Farrakhan’s anti-Semitism, which, if true, is patently absurd, Ellison is getting away with the same behavior most people in relationships “get away” with at some point or another. Vocal support for the support of an anti-Semite is a different issue, and is unrelated to the man’s conduct in relationships.
If we want to make a difference in this country, and with MeToo, we NEED to keep our facts and our arguments as “jury-proof” as possible. Stating that Ellison once supported Farrakhan, and that he claimed not to know about Farrakhan’s well-documented anti-Semitism, has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with this case, or story. Ellison’s character as regards relationships cannot and should not be conflated with unproven accusations meant to serve as “proof of his bad character.”
Specifics matter. Staying on point matters. Conflating the issue muddles the movement. It’s a very important movement, and should be taken as seriously and researched as thoroughly as Mueller’s investigation.
7
@Charles Haughtry - Incredibly well said.
@Charles Haughtry...Do you agree with Melody Hoffmann, a feminist activist, who basically said in the last paragraph of this article that the #MeToo movement is justified in vilifying a few innocent men because so many men have abused women in the past? As in, guilty until proven guilty. Or, better to convict a thousand than to let one abuser slip through the cracks. Is that "jury-proof"?
2
Not every relationship ends with the words, "...and they lived happily ever after."
Hopefully, both Mr. Ellison and Ms. Monahan can find what (and whom) they are looking for in the "pursuit of happiness."
7
August is the political sleep month. So now is the perfect time to start fear mongering. There is no competition.
But when someone says, "She told CNN that she misplaced it, but wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims." about a supposed recording, wisdom suggests considering the victim claim. Victims should not have to prove their claims. But accusers MUST be required to prove their claims. Ms Monahan is welcome to claim the title of victim. But when her actions are that of accuser then, yes, she does have to prove her claims.
Doesn't pass the smell test.
18
Narcissist abuse?? Really? Grow up please, you’re not a child. If Ellison was doing this awful thing to you LEAVE! Millions of us do it every day. Seems like someone is exacting revenge by character assassination.
26
Narcissists aren’t simply “self-centered people.” They are personality disordered people who do profound damage to those around them. They are often successful and charming, making them extremely hard to spot. Their abuse is so calculated and gradual that their victims don’t realize what has happened until they have lost everything.
8
@Lynn Sherman...You are very misinformed about the nature of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. The internet can help. Give it a try.
2
@Lynn Sherman It is made-up pseudo-science
One has to be suspicious of these "October surprises", in this case an August surprise, the allegations against Keith Ellison coming out just before the primary. Sounds too much like revenge - a former partner wanting to destroy his career. If he were an abuser of women, we'd have heard about it long before now.
16
@St. Paulite Exactly - and he would have probably shown signs of it in his 25-year marriage, which his ex-wife has been quite clear was not the case.
6
There is a lively discussion within the American Psychological Association regarding the categories of personality disorder. The boundaries between such diagnosis as Borderline and Schizoid are contested. Add onto this that it has become more and more common to use the terms taken from abnormal psychology and using them as terms of abuse against anyone that one doesn't like. Every fired employee can refer to their former employer as a narcissist and compare them to Steve Jobs. Now comes a an expansion of the notion of abuse that knows no limits. 'Narcissistic abuse' is a label that partakes of the fuzzy boundaries of both of these terms. If one adds the notion that "the victim is to be believed, always" then we will have completed the process toward the use of litigation in all areas of human relationship. Ask yourself, what child might not accuse their parents of narcissistic abuse? Can friends use this term in regards to friendships that have been discontinued? Going back to the beginning sexual harassment and sexual assault are common and profoundly destructive behaviors that we must address. The use of victim blaming and non disclosure agreements have protected these behaviors to long. If the metoo movement would have been allowed to concentrate on those categories of behavior we might have seen change and not just controversy. Instead we have no had gay men claim sexual harassment by lesbian women. There needs to be some limits on claims to victimization.
9
Inappropriately riding the MeToo movement these types of accusations can bring great harm to a public figure.
This is a great test of how people will be able to sperate fact from fiction.
It seems Keith's biggest problem is being stable in a relationship. I'm not convinced in any way he's an abusive person.
13
Herostratus destroyed the temple to get the fame he craved, Ms. Monahan destroys her former boyfriend's life by projecting her issues on him. It is disgusting that bedtime stories like this get publicly discussed. Where are the bounds of privacy? Terrifying.
11
Once again the extreme left devours itself.
7
They were in a sour relationship and he yelled profanities? So we’re now going to disqualify 90% of Americans from public office?
26
Slapping labels on people is obnoxious. So people don't get along and what's new about that? Then one accuses the other of abusing them. Sometimes maybe it is real abuse; but not just because one one feels abused and gets to say it first in the media. This is getting to be like the Jerry Springer show.
Really very, very serious women's issues like educational and employment inequalities and institutional injustices are getting dragged into the revenge mud slinging that so commonly comes out of failed interpersonal interactions.
9
So a relationship spat is now grounds for a public campaign to not only trash a guy but to create new and increasingly ridiculous forms of "abuse?" Mr. Ellison may or may not be a perfect man, but this is what is called a relationship. Some go swimmingly well, others not so well. They don't all need to be in the public domain.
Just like the Aziz Ansari non-issue, if this type of nonsense is where the "Me Too" movement is going, its going to be widely discredited and de-legitimatized. It reinforces a notion that women are fragile, temperamental, and need (male or legal) protection. Not just from abuse, but from life.
13
Here's something I learned many years ago after being involved in what we used to refer to as "codependent" - and - "emotionally-addictive" relationships - both romantic and other wise --
It's not my job to take care of your feelings -
It's not my job to act in such a manner as it may (or may not) conform to your comfort zone --
Some people are aware of, and consider how their actions affect others - while some are less aware and considerate - and even others don't care at all about the "feelings" of others --
We've all had employers or supervisors who fall into those categories --
Emotional Abuse = hurting someone's feelings - and yes - sometimes in particularly intense and antagonistic manner --
But - in the end - it's my job to take care of my own feelings - and your job to take care of your's --
That may sound a bit simplistic - which is exactly how it is for people with healthy boundaries and an ability to deflect emotionally-inappropriate and abusive behavior directed towards them -
Very few people are going to tolerate any attempt to attach the #MeToo label to situations such as this...
8
"Ms. Alexander’s allegations, which came out in a Republican newspaper three weeks before he was elected to Congress, were politically motivated." Really? Ms. Alexander called 911 and spoke to the police about this abuse, was a girlfriend of Ellisons, and was working on behalf of the same organization as Ms. Monahan (all this is searchable online). How was all this "politically motivated"? The New York Times is attempting to discredit both women, and the assaults they sustained at Ellison's hand, to boost this man's political standing. Shameful.
8
@rgeorge1965...The women seem to have done a decent job of discrediting themselves, if one gives credence to The Times' reporter. And, if The Times were trying to give a boost to Ellison's political standing, they picked a strange way of doing it.
1
The metoo movement was always too subjective to me but it just got much more subjective. He said, she said and what really happened is impossible to determine. It is time to choose your battles and there are more serious issues here such as clean air and water, criminal activity from the POTUS, unfair immigration policies, dangerous foreign relations policies and the bold face lying of the current administration. The list goes on and on.
10
Here we go again ... feminists against one of their own because she accuses a liberal man... where have I seen this before?
Oh boy, had this guy been a white Christian conservative, my liberal feminists would have been at his throat. Immediately.
4
Sorry. The MeToo bridge is going way too far. This is laughable.
Someone yelled profanities at you? Awwww. Poor baby. How sheltered a life have you led? This is what comes from growing up in a bubble of "safe places" and "trigger warnings."
"Narcissist abuse?" Give me a break. You don't like how you're being treated, end the relationship.
I'm tired of being subjected to self-pitying, self-victimization abuse. This woman should be ashamed of herself.
21
Cheating, abusing, entitled.
Definitely the new symbol of the Democratic Party.
4
The left will quickly sacrifice this woman if her accusations endanger their political ambitions. Just watch it happen. It's happening right now in this comment section. The party of lies and hypocrisy! Lol!Lol!
2
Hmmmm. I wonder if liberals and feminists are going to give Ellision a 'bye' as they did Bill Clinton. These 'primciple' things are so messy, you know?
2
I admit, I did have a bias towards believing Ms. Monahan.
But that phrase "soul rape" really does give one pause.
19
@Glenn Ribotsky...I had a bias against believing Mr. Ellison. But, the "soul rape" bit was just too much on top of all of the other abuse whistles and the litany of questionable behavior of the "victim". The last sentence of the article was also disturbing.
3
Me Too is off the rails if an article such as this one can appear in the NYT. Emotional abuse leaves no marks. Who knows how bad it was? Karen Monahan should write a memoir and leave it at that. If Ellison is a pig, well, so many are - male and female. People can be really mean!
If the Times spent a fraction of its time on real stories - such as how the gigantic NYC budget is spent, in detail, with personal stories, investigative journalism here in NYC - it would be a real service to New Yorkers.
12
Physical and sexual abuse only happen in the matrix of emotional abuse. Having suffered all 3, it’s the emotional abuse that does the most damage. Emotional abuse makes you doubt your own reality, you don’t trust yourself. You second guess everything until you give up and numb out. You are no longer connected to yourself and can’t experience joy. It’s having a loved one defecate on you soul that have them tell you “don’t be so sensitive, it’s just stinky chocolate. Please don’t write off emotional abuse, it’s a hell like no other. The abuser comes off calm while the victim comes off unstable. And remember it all starts with love bombing.
5
article: "...if this is the cost of a public reckoning [that we must sometimes destroy innocent lives]... then it's worth it."
Some of the most frightening words I've ever heard, for the implications that are not considered, which is the human cost in this, the most priceless of our commodities.
Why is collectivist thinking dominating our political discourse? Race markers are now the determinants for who should speak. Gender markers are wielded in much the same way.
Where does this ideology marker lead us? Look to the past. The Kulaks in Russia were farmers, successful and competent, but they were slandered with the accusation that their abilities to get excellent yields on their crops was counter-revolutionary, and that they were 'wealth hoarders', and so...they were slaughtered and the land, in well-meaning attempts at land reform to right wrongs from the past and provide equity to its citizens, was given to inept farmers without proper experience or ability.
The result?
Millions starved.
Millions.
article: "rape and workplace harassment might have been “lumped together” with... bad dates or relationships that just went sour.
“Unfortunately, this wave of women being believed is so new, we haven’t figured out how to nuance it,” she said. "But if that was the cost of the public reckoning about the abuse of women, she said, it was worth it."
Funny how those who say "you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette" never suffer those consequences themselves.
8
If only a dose of sense and the belief that the accused is innocent until proven guilty had begun to enter the minds of MeToo agitators before they brought down Al Franken.
It is interesting that they are willing to consider a nuanced reaction now. This is good -- of course it's good. But what changed?
11
“Unfortunately, this wave of women being believed is so new, we haven’t figured out how to nuance it,” she said. But if that was the cost of the public reckoning about the abuse of women, she said, it was worth it.
________________________
This is, of course, what a "feminist activist" would say. And it is fairly easy for feminist activists to determine that "it was worth it". They don't pay the terrible price of the unfairness that is now in fashion. It is easy for them to consider this a matter of "nuance".
But there is another, large group that has not really weighed in yet. And when men do, this will be recognized for the nonsense that it is.
5
#Me Too having gone too far out in left field. Now anyone can defame, sue, and destroy based on alleged abuse of any kind, including lack of proper pronouns while addressing transgender folk, or directing them to the "wrong" bathroom.
What's next? No relationships, because what happens if they go bad? Believing any woman's claim of abuse, without any corroboration? Will anyone be willing to run for any public office with these kind of threats lurking in the background?
The fact that Mr. Ellison allowed the woman to stay in his house after their break up says a lot about his concern for her well being. Is she even aware of that?
16
I've had relationships with women in which I was the one who behaved badly and feel guilty for being verbally and emotionally cruel.
I've also had relationships in which the woman was the one who was cruel, and even resorted to physical violence against me.
Going on a quest for revenge against an ex-lover is a negative trait.
Ellison showed poor judgment by choosing to be in that relationship, and was clearly angry and mean at times as the relationship went bad.
Unfortunately, some parts of the MeToo movement is based on a mythology that males are bad, woman are virtuous victims, and men should be eternally punished for human failings common to both genders.
15
Shades of a series of events in N. Kentucky. When her attorney boyfriend wanted to date someone else, Shayna Hubers couldn't accept a future without him. She was sentenced to 40 years yesterday for his murder. Lives irrevocably shattered.
I truly hope Mr. Ellison recovers and thrives from the horrible publicity. Abuse & neglect are real. This example is one person's axe, grinding in the wind.
5
It is just as sexist and wrong and ethically problematic to automatically accept any woman's accusations against a man as it is for her accusations to be automatically ignored or rejected.
Public accusations against public figures can't be withdrawn, and in this political environment, only the willfully naive could believe such accusations won't be twisted and manipulated and thoroughly weaponized. To make the accusation, then, is to knowingly do harm. That harm is only justifiable if the allegations are true, and in America, the burden of proof has rightfully been the accuser's to bear.
The MeToo "movement" has already brought long overdue attention to the enormity of abuse levelled at women by the powerful, and to the enabling of abusers by too many that has served to silence their victims. However, that public good cannot justify nor be allowed to trample upon the fundamental due process rights of those being accused.
Would
573
@Julie
I agreed with you for awhile, but you really are preaching a false equivalence between, a woman who may have felt insulted or even out of a job, to ruining a mans career and possibly his life. All power corrupts, and we are seeing regularly, the corrupting power of "me-too"
Ms. Monahan, obviously feels completely justified in ruining Mr. Ellison's career. The real equivalence is road rage, where someone cuts someone off, and then get's shot for it. The outcome does not in any way match, the infraction. This is anger and vengeance masquerading and given credibility by a movement without any boundaries.
1
@Julie
Anyone stating the things your opening states was roundly rejected as even a U.S. Senator was hounded from office simply for making a comedy skit of pretending to fondle a woman on an aircraft, and some not-very-inflammatory statements to women.
These words have been needed but no one was ready to hear them for months.
2
@Julie If I hear you correctly, and I believe I do, you're implying there has to be due process for liberal men who are accused of abuse, for conservative men, that's another story...
"However, that public good cannot justify nor be allowed to trample upon the fundamental due process rights of those being accused."
1
Many harassment/abuse cases involve messy and unclear evidence: by definition, many of them are 'he said, she said' cases. But this particular case seems questionable given the lack of evidence, the failure to produce evidence after claiming it existed, and the otherwise outstanding reputation of the accused.
At what point does an unsubstantiated accusation become a form of emotional abuse against the accused? And at what point does the #metoo social media mob become complicit in that abuse?
7
Grew up in an abusive home where my mother was the perpetrator. My father lacked courage to act resulting in years of physical and emotional abuse to himself and me being raised by a truly psychopathic individual. Once he left, she told the world he abused her. Very convenient. Everyone believed her and even my attempt to set the record straight resulted in incredulous responses.
Nonetheless, neither of them can ever be fully characterized by their worst behaviors. My mother still taught me valuable treasured lessons and my dad courageously and graciously worked hard with me behind the scenes to help her while she was dying. Both struggled during their lives because they came from abusive homes themselves.
Even when abuse is within the private citizenry and is blatant thus requiring action, it is complicated, messy, and involves the risk for serious repercussions if we misjudge the situation. People’s lives are torn apart when these things are not handled with circumspection. I never got over how much my mother benefited from her charade and how people simply wanted to “believe”.
Each of these type of stories effect extended families, the cost of damage control, how their children are treated at school and whether or not they can go to the store for milk without being harassed. Shouldn’t the NYT wait until real evidence of something sinister other than a forlorn picture of a woman, a failed relationship and her erratic accusations before publishing such a story?
15
@AP..."they came from abusive homes themselves." What a profound statement that seems to emerge from every story of abusive behavior. Thanks for sharing your story and wisdom with us.
2
This is a tricky issue. Having been the victim of emotional abuse, I know it when I see it, but it is frequently difficult to see it unless you are really intimate with the abuser. Emotional abuse is learned behavior, & it can be unlearned. The abuser, however, has to be able to perceive it in himself before being able to unlearn it, yet most who are emotionally abusive will strongly deny that they are, because nobody likes to be labeled the bad guy in a relationship. So the abuser frequently never addresses the problem, because it would mean shouldering blame & responsibility for his actions, something his fragile ego is not capable of doing.
On the other hand, Monahan's behavior does not strike me as being either wise or mature. There are people of all genders who are unreasonably jealous, nearly always because they themselves are extremely insecure & have very little self-regard. Unfortunately, those people are the ones most likely to find themselves in relationships with the worst abusers.
Obviously, Ellison needs mental health counseling to help him figure out if his behavior is indeed abusive. And Monahan is in equal need of counseling, because her jealousy & insecurity are ruining her ability to see herself honestly.
It seems as if both of these people could use some help, but neither of them appear to be irredeemably evil. What does it say about a society that turns things into major problems, when a little counseling would go a long way toward alleviating them?
3
I fail to see the advantage of airing your dirty personal laundry in public, I think she is embarrassing herself. My husband was married to a narcissist, if you don’t like it get out of the relationship. I really don’t want to hear the trumpian details of someone’s personal relationship, it is none of our business, and it disrespects the me too movement.
8
"Victims shouldn't have to prove their claims"? This, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with the "#Metoo" movement. Everyone knows that people with power can abuse that power. People will also bear false witness. I like to think that an accusation does not equal guilt, and that evidence still matters, regardless of the politics or gender of the accused.
13
This story has no business being in a newspaper, especially the premier paper in the US. Beware all when the price of being any sort of public actor is your ex-relationship gets a public forum to debate your alleged personality flaws.
Let me compile a list for interviews of the ex-spouses and former relationships of all politicians with whom I disagree. Next, the people who comment on those politicians. Let’s start with the journalist and editors who produced this story.
Better yet, let’s get a grip and not. And learn the difference between a story about patterns of abuse of power, especially actions in the exercise of public authority and employment power, that deserve public approbation versus stories about people having private lives that deserve to be private lives.
9
He or she who is without sin may cast the first stone. Franken, Keillor now Ellison. What is wrong with my state. Back away from the cheese curds.
7
I was surprised to learn "narcissist abuse" is not a term officially recognized in psychiatry. I believe the Mayo Clinic would be surprised as well. saying "Trauma caused by Narcissistic Abuse is pervasive." To educate is simple, google Narcissistic characteristics, (President Trump) and perhaps Mr.Ellison, then Google Narcissistic Abuse to Spouse. I suggest Ms.Monahan seek some expert therapy, to disentangle from Mr.Ellison, as she is sending two messages, (women often do) the one message is the abuse, the other message is I need your help, "calling him because she ran out of Gas," Without seeking expert Psychiatric Help, Ms.Monahan will continue to flounder about. Mrs Trump has developed coping moves and skills, and with her son, rises above the din.
2
This is a tough call. He must
have really hurt her and she has
a "payback".
There are countless examples
of women and men who experience
"narcissistic abuse" in marriages
and relationships. The perpetrator
can be most revered and respected;
the victim accomplished and strong
yet the abuse endures, as does love.
It is courting tragedy to love a narcissist.
We must learn to identify the narcissist
because he or she will commit
hurtful, evil acts. The healthiest
reaction is to turn away from the
relationship and will yourself into
not caring because a narcissist is
incapable of changing or truly
caring for another person in an
intimate relationship. I feel
sorry for both of these people.
I consider myself an ardent supporter of the MeToo Movement. Having read this article, however, I regret to say that the accusations of Narcissist Abuse may well have been leveled in the wrong direction and by the wrong party.
10
Narcissistic personality disorder, meet borderline personality disorder. Not a recipe for a productive intimate relationship. Seems to me the blame for its demise is shared 50:50.
None of us will ever know what's truly in their hearts. As whacky as they both seem, they may not either...and there's the rub when we try to politicize something so personal.
2
Sounds to me as though Ellison is the one who was being emotionally abused.
7
If I were to classify any behavior as abusive, it's Ms. Monohan's turfing Amirah Ellison, the teenage daughter of Mr. Ellison, out of her own bedroom while Amirah was away at school.
" Ms. Monahan “quickly became actively territorial and threatening towards me.” Once, when she came home from college, Amirah said, she found that her bedroom had been turned into a storage closet for Ms. Monahan’s things"
I think Amirah Ellison was terribly hurt by this. One should read her facebook post.
No wonder the living arrangement Mr. Ellison and Ms. Monohan had crashed quickly. And,of course, Ms. Monohan calls the daughter a liar.
So who is the abuser here?
13
Seriously who really cares about this? Accusation of emotional abuse are far too easy to throw around. We are emotional beings by nature. So what? Maybe he was hard on her, she could have walked away, instead of making their personal life a public matter. There are much more important things happening out there.
4
Thought experiment: Ellison is a Republican. Media converage and result?
1
The alleged bed-dragging incident complicates this story. That's an assault. It may be minor, but it's the kind of thing that should not even happen once, period, full stop. If you are angry with your partner, sit on your hands or put them behind your back. And just take out your own trash, for heaven's sake. Conflict avoidance is highly underrated.
3
The last sentences of the article: "“Unfortunately, this wave of women being believed is so new, we haven’t figured out how to nuance it,” she said. But if that was the cost of the public reckoning about the abuse of women, she said, it was worth it."
The implications of this are terrifying. Stop and listen to yourself. You are advocating "guilty until proven innocent." Deep down this is no different than what Trump does, insisting that accusations alone are enough, facts don't matter. Please ... don't multiply the damage that the POTUS is already doing to our society!
8
What is the Party doing, actually DOING, to investigate? Why the blackout of information? Why is the public being “ghosted” by the people responsible for investigation, the higher-ups in the Democratic Party?
Ellison's real character flaw is his apparent pathological serial disloyalty to women who are romantically involved with him. Politicians with messy personal lives are lousy public servants. Voters beware.
5
"She sent him screenshots of the messages, and accused him of “soul-rape,” according"
I'm sorry but I just don't know what that means. Either the guy was abusive or he wasn't. If she is referring to the guy breaking up with her, well a lot fo folks out their could say the same thing about a breakup. Their are very few harmonius breakups, one person is usally left hurt. I remember a friend asking a woman at a social event about their breakup and mentioned he was or had been doing everything he could to maintain the relationship. She told him thanks but his best just wasn't good enough.
9
Shocking that the NYT and most of its commenters here give "the benefit of the doubt" to Ellison. I wonder what the criteria for that position might be? Black, Muslim, liberal perhaps....
3
@Pmac
Perhaps you mean this in jest? In your mind’s eye, make these two people Caucasian with blonde hair and blue eyes. Would you still not find this story lacking in evidence and merit? The NYT is not excusing him. Indeed, their running of this story only complicates his life and throws further suspicion of wrongdoing (true or false) on him.
Let’s embrace the real situation here which is that people of all backgrounds and persuasions are collectively realizing that accusations of abuse require some type of verification, not just the tears of those simply suffering a difficult breakup.
1
Dear Pmac,
It's not too shocking, Ms. Monahan's claims are not believable because she contradicts herself, is contradicted by other women in Mr. Ellison's life, and she has no proof at all. I'd say the same if Mr. Ellison was a white, Christian Republican.
2
Ellison has repeatedly lied about his close connection to the Nation of Islam and it's hate filled leader Louis Farrakhan so one should take his denials with a grain of salt!
6
The Media has all but disappeared this story.
I bet the times will get a call from the DNC about this one.
3
@Larry
What story? They had a bad relationship, of which she was half. It never should have appeared in the first place.
It's a good thing NO Republican has EVER been in a nasty relationship or that would make you a hypocrite.
2
I am certainly in no position to determine what occurred between Mr. Ellison (whom I've always admired a a politician) and Ms. Monahan.
I can attest, though, to the devastating effects of emotional/psychological abuse.
After about five years of physical abuse, I finally told my parents and they confronted him and found a new apartment for me and our children - which actually got him to stop the physical abuse and I ended up staying with him, for the kids' sake.
The emotional/psychological abuse intensified, however, and after several years of living in hell and being afraid to come home from work (I hadn't yet learned how to stand up for myself) I came to my senses and moved in temporarily with friends. This actually shocked him into stopping, and I ended up moving back in with him for the sake of the kids. Not being allowed to abuse me psychologically, though, his attitude became one of emotional neglect(this had always existed) and the relationship finally ended.
I am simply writing this to attest to the devastation caused by emotional/psychological abuse, and to ask that it be taken seriously.
4
Why does the NYT feel the need to give this a platform of this size? A rhetorical question. Because #metoo articles generate clicks. So do articles on racial issues. Every NYT writer should be forced to read the comments, sorted by “Readers Picks”. Anytime my still beloved paper publishes articles of this kind, 9/10 of my most-picked fellow liberal readers see through the nonsense. I’m sure the writer does, too. Clicks are clicks, but this is starting to devalue journalism.
14
It is almost unbelievable that the NYT publishes a lengthy article on this.
17
She cray...
15
Ellison will probably loose his election over this after we lost Al Franken as a result of very questionable claims, he grabbed my butt at the county fair in front of her family, a photographer and large crowds.
Sorry but what we see is that he picked up with a disturbed individual who would not only ruin a career over a relationship gone sour but would interject herself in an election. It is not unusual for a women or a man to refuse to leave the other home when it is time to go. At what point are we as a society going to seek truth and justice. How many men do some women need to lynch before sanity prevails or are women (sorry but it is true) going to continue to ruin lives just because they feel like it. Men are beat and raped everyday where are women as a group on that.
If women are equal then they call the police right away when you have been mistreated. They don't com out much later and use the press to wreck havoc.
11
@The Iconoclast Considering who he is up against in November (Doug Wardlow), a man who works for an extremist hate group, I hope that you are wrong and that the people of my state see through this and elect Ellison in November! I cannot see us electing someone who promotes hatred of transgender students at school districts, among other awful things.
5
The ex from hell.
36
The allegations made by Ms Monahan, and its coverage on the front page of the NYT represents further erosion of the #MeToo concept, now approaching the level of absurdity. We've now had a feminist woman sexually abusing an underage man, then unapologetically slut shaming him.
If there's something actionable in the legal arena, have at it (e.g. Bill Cosby). Otherwise show some agency; how about leaving the relationship Ms. Monahan?
#MeNotListening.
28
Sounds like Keith Ellison needs to make better choices about who he brings into his life and his home.
26
X-cuuuuuzzzze me! Ms. Monahan should have taken a cue from Nancy Sinatra's old lyrics These Feet Are Made for Walkin'. If women are looking for R-E-S-P-E-C-T, we should run, not walk, away from a jerk.
This verbal abuse charge is so bogus for an adult that it makes her look like a little girl tattling on her brother.
48
Yes. That's the perfect analogy.
1
Qualifying and quantifying emotional abuse is impossible. I grew up in a family full of emotionally abusive people, and it has had a real effect on me. It’s affected my brother, too, albeit in radically different ways. But there are millions upon millions of people — billions, if we’re including the whole world — who would hear my descriptions of emotional abuse, laugh out loud, and explain that I had it lucky.
Who’s right?
217
@Charles Haughtry
It IS possible to quantify the effects of abuse, be it physical or emotional, and many studies have done exactly that. Why institutions such as the legal system do not yet use these methods is up for debate; we as citizens can and should demand that they do so.
On an individual basis, there are blood tests that can measure cortisol levels and how they vary in time; cortisol is produced in response to stress. There are also ways to measure distress via MRI scans of the brain. Neither of these uses self-reporting; both are objective.
At a population level, the effects of abuse are quantified via longitudinal studies that keep track of many people and their experiences over time. Adverse experiences, especially in childhood, show up statistically as an increased incidence of various illnesses later in life and a lower life expectancy, after other factors are accounted for.
1
One big difference. As a child, you couldn't leave. This pathetic woman is supposed to be an adult.
8
@Charles Haughtry
I think the important difference is that you were emotionally abused as a child. She's an adult who had the responsibility to herself to leave a relationship that was bad for her.
3
Terrific reporting. Balanced and complete, whole subject was new to me now I know the full context.
3
Never in a million years would I have guessed that the Democrat (House of Clinton) Purity Tests would be about sexuality.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
So to the topic: According to the MeToo Articles of Faith, it is about power and patriarchy. Since Ellison is both Male and "powerful" then he is automatically guilty and must be destroyed.
10
@Russian Bot
Since Ellison is both male and a prominent politician, people on here are mostly defaulting to calling his ex crazy, even though none of us have a way of determining who of the two of them is telling the truth. He will probably win his election; she will probably be remembered as his crazy ex-girlfriend - without any of us knowing the truth, without there being conclusive evidence on either side. This is how privilege influences public opinion.
@UA
Yet both positions are wrong, surely Democrats have better things to do before mid-terms?
3
@UA
"...even though none of us have a way of determining who of the two of them is telling the truth."
Think about the logic of this for a second. If that's true, why is story being reported in this newspaper? I'd say the woman is the one with the privilege. She makes an accusations, it gets printed. She is the one who has gone public with their dirty laundry, so she is the one who is influencing public opinion.
It requires a lot of mental gymnastics to see it the other way around.
3
Narcissist abuse? Will we next start a movement about emotional abuse caused by infidelity, or lying in general, or someone who treats us poorly for any reason on earth? When in a relationship with someone who doesnt share your moral standards, it's best to get out and move on. Sounds like this woman has an intense need to be a victim....and perhaps she is for other reasons., but it sounds more like an obsession on her part.
27
@JG
I do hope we next start a movement against 'emotional abuse' because the long-term effects can be as severe as those of surviving violence, war, or natural disaster. The UK already has laws under which some types of emotional abuse are a crime, as they should be. For more info, including biomedical studies showing that 'emotional' abuse is very much physical as well, even though the damage isn't as visible as bruises or broken bones, see links here:
http://bencamarillo.com
I made this website to share my own experience and show what biomedical and psychology researchers have found about such experiences, which unfortunately isn't widely known but should be.
As for infidelity--it doesn't matter that it is infidelity, but it matters whether it or any other act for that matter causes an injury. It should not be a moral judgment but a scientific/medical one (whether an injury exists) and an ethical one (that we have a right to safety from injury and causing injuries should be discouraged generally).
2
#metoo = guilty until proven innocent. Sorry folks, woman can be just as bad as men in their own way. It appears Ms. Monahan's allegations are unsupported by any credible evidence whatsoever. Indeed, Mr. Ellison's daughter and former wife support his character so this appears to be another emotional breakup with no shortage of baggage.
19
I don't understand this woman's mindset. She admits that eventually the relationship turned horrible and that she was miserable, yet stayed in the relationship. Why not just leave?
I understand that in abusive relationships there are psychological phenomenon that lead abuse victims to staying in relationships, but her claim is "narcissist abuse." So she was so abused by his self-centeredness that she felt she couldn't leave the relationship? Too many things don't make sense. Then add that the video and incriminating emails conveniently were lost when she was asked to provide evidence.
Most importantly, the fact that she feels victims should not have to prove their claims is in itself, insane.
33
@T - “I didn’t think I could leave” cries the woman who Ellison was trying to get out of his house for months after they broke up!!!
3
I really wish the media would stop giving this any attention, but at least NYT seems have dug a little deeper to get at the root cause of why she seems to be trying to destroy her ex-boyfriend's career and life! She is a very deeply emotionally distrurbed woman which is evident in how obsessively she has written about him, that she still contacted him asking for things way after they broke up, that she reached out to any woman she found out he was talking to including his current girlfriend, over a year after they broke up accusing her of "stealing his affections" She wants to be believed with no evidence and with contradictory statements, but then dismisses his daughter speaking her truth as " just not true" I think it shows what kind of man he is that he and his current girlfriend have not bashed Karen and have said that even she deserves compassion, as she attempts to destroy him.
Congressman Ellison has done amazing things for the 5th Congressional District, he has been our champion, he has increased voter turnout, he has worked tirelessly - and he will be fabulous as The People's Lawyer!
72
Ms. Monahan ....wrote on Facebook that she would not provide it because victims should not be forced to prove their claims.
______
This is the logical conclusion of the "(alleged) victim" focus of our culture. I doubt that presently most members of #MeToo embrace this kind of absurdity, but over time, I believe it will gain more traction.
It is a perversion of justice, fairness and the rules of evidence to state that *alleged* victims should not have to offer proof of their claims.
24
As someone formerly married to an individual with a personality disorder, I entirely relate to and stand by her claims. Psychological and emotional abuse have long-lasting invisible scars that take years of working with to heal. Compassion is strongly needed here. I applaud you, Karen, for speaking your truth. I know how hard it is and how many will try to spin this as her not having a strong enough voice or creating these claims. This story is real and needs to be shared.
7
I'm sick of people speaking "their" truth. You must love Rudy "truth isn't truth" Giuliani.
7
@B
Just because your story was real doesn't mean hers is. There really is no connection at all. Her story has holes large enough to drive a truck through, but I don't think you're inclined to see that.
3
This has absolutely nothing to do with #metoo. This ex is clearly a crazy ex- and is manipulating the movement for her gain. I mean please- this man's daughter says the ex acted possessive and strange, he's friends with his ex wife who has nothing bad to say about him, and his current girlfriend was harassed by the ex! Seems pretty clear who the abuser and manipulator is in this case....
984
@Amy Stevens. Maybe you’re right, but remember that the disgraced former NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman’s ex-wife supporter him against allegations of domestic violence and alcoholism brought by a girlfriend.
The only “safety” in our system is that the person who makes the claim has the burden of proof. No one has a “right” to be believed. They do have the right to be taken seriously if they can show some evidence in support of their charge.
1
@Amy Stevens
Perhaps the one needing investigation is the accuser.
1
@Amy Stevens
But its 2018. Women are always right and men are always wrong! Didn't you get the memo?
2
Every person who feels they got the short of end of the stick in a failed relationship can claim "emotional abuse."
But "emotional abuse" is NOT the same as sexual assault.
Playing with yourself in front of women is vulgar (Louis CK) and should be rejected. But it is NOT sexual assault.
Groping a woman as a form of comedy (Al Franken) should be rejected. But is NOT sexual assault.
EVERY time a woman (or man) tried to make the way their former lover wronged them a big deal, it provides cover for the people who commit SEXUAL ASSAULT.
I won't be on any jury judging "emotional abuse." I'll be struck off because I'll say the notion is stupid.
20
Groping certainly IS sexual assault. It is not rape, but it is assault.
1
Holy smokes. His house, his bed. He wanted her out of it and she wouldn't go quietly. It would be the same if the roles were reversed. The whole thing is a rocky romantic breakup, nothing more.
#MeToo is a legitimate, much needed national movement, but in this case Ms. Monahan needs to "woman up" and get over it.
If it weren't that Ellison were prominent in the political scene, this wouldn't be news in the local weekly rag, must less the NY Times.
51
A woman scorned will say anything
9
This story was helpful, but as a longtime survivor of true narcissitic abuse with over 100 emails and voicemails presented in court successfully, it does a disservice to a long overdue progress for abused women, and men. The lives of children are often fatally ended as well, so unless true examples of such horrendous behavior are presented this is a disservice to those who have lost their lives or truly suffered such abuse.
183
But that’s the problem! Who’s to say what “real (emotional) abuse” is? Is it abuse to be forced to sit up straight at the dinner table, or to be screamed at when you put your elbows on the table? Is it abuse to have those same elbows swatted off the table after you repeatedly refuse to move them? Is it abuse to have parents who divorce and then emotionally abandon you? Is it abuse to have relationships with people who cheat on you, lie to you, and publicly humiliate you?
I could go on forever, and with far more extreme examples from my life and the lives of most of the people I know. Because guess what? People are abusive.
Don’t get over it. Confront it. But please don’t claim to have THE definition of “emotional abuse.” You don’t, and without serious analysis, neither does any competent psychiatrist or psychologist.
3
@atagrrrl Have to agree with you that this does not sound like narcissist abuse, and like you I lived it for nearly 7 years, but we don't know enough details here. On the other hand, having been in such a relationship, where you feel completely powerless, I fully understand the frustration and anger motivating acting out to punish the abuser. At any rate, I don't think narcissist abuse should be encompassed in the #metoo movement, though I admit I am a male and should not make that decision. My abuser was very successful in his job, and his abuse of me did not make him unqualified to do that job.
@atagrrrl- yet Amirah's accusations are ignored? Why? What gives you the right to dismiss her valid accusations and support Monahan's?
1
Ok, but #metoo should be about fundamental respect for everybody, not just targeting famous people. Also, please don’t imply that men abuse women emotionally more than women abuse men - we know this is not true. This is a serious issue.
10
Ms. Monahan's accusations were implicitly credible because she claimed to have a tape of an incident that would confirm her accusations. It is difficult to understand why she would not release this tape if she really has it. Her ongoing attempts to get Mr. Ellison's attention after their relationship ended (evidently still happening) would seem to indicate that she is obsessed with Mr. Ellison. If her claims are true, it would be in her best interest to turn her tape over to the police so that charges can be brought against Mr. Ellison.
16
@Kris Bennett
If nothing else, the longer she claims to have proof but won't release,the more suspect her claims will look.
3
@Kris Bennett
And pray tell. What charges would they be? Maybe you can site the crime.
1
I don't know about Keith Ellison, but I still think Al Franken got a bad deal.
156
@Diane
No one but Al Franken made Al Franken degrade a female colleague by acting out for his bro buddies like a 13-year-old sexist jerk.
3
@Diane
If you want to see an even worse deal, look at what was done to legendary radio show host Garrison Keillor!
2
@Diane They both got a bad deal. And both are progressive Democrats which leads one to question whether the DNC could be behind this.
Good Lord ... " Narcissistic Abuse ". Who invents these things? As usual, and maybe thankfully in this instance, the Revolution devours it's children.
30
“Ms. Monahan said that after the alleged incident, she borrowed money to pay the deposit on her own place, but did not consider the relationship to be over until January 2017, when she discovered text messages on Mr. Ellison’s phone to two other women.”
This type of woman is so very destructive to women’s equality. It perpetuates the notion that women are frail emotionally. Yet all the scientific research supports that women are more emotionally mature with a higher emotional intelligence.
She was told to move out because the relationship was not working due to her jealousy and territorially manipulative actions towards him and his teenage daughter, she then takes her time to do so, (as he generously allows her to stay until she finds a place even though he is not thrilled), borrows money- she clearly doesn’t have any of her own cause she is a freeloader, she nearly drives him around the bend psychologically to the point where he wants her out immediately and gets physical with her...YET...she didn’t consider the relationship over until January 2017!?
Hello...this women is deeply disturbed and delusional.
If the me too movement considers bad relationships as justification to destroy people’s careers then it has gone too far and is in danger of self sabotaging something potential really transformative.
77
I believe that any man who demonstrates a lack of self-control by abusing a woman -- regardless of the provocation -- is not fit for public office.
His disqualification is compounded when he has his daughter defend him in a "Facebook" post.
What on earth is happening to our society?
9
That's a sarcastic post, yes?
Otherwise, what is happening to our society?
2
@Frank J Haydn
Apparently you're one of those old-fashioned men who doesn't believe women have free will and are capable of acting on their own accord. Otherwise, you wouldn't oddly assume that his daughter was forced to publicly defend him. Could it be that she knows more than you do?
2
If the behavior described by Ms. Monahan is in any way legally or morally bankrupt, and worthy of public accusation, then I have hundreds if not thousands of accusations to make — as does every cognizant person who has ever chosen to be in a relationship, and/or had the experience of not having a relationship work out.
Victims of abuse need to be heard. Period. Women (and men) need to be listened to, and their stories believed, and Ms. Monahan has every right in the world to tell hers. It’s just that her allegations, and allegations that are far worse in terms of emotional abuse, can legitimately be made by virtually every person who has interacted with other people.
#MeToo is important. Please don’t destroy this movement by conflating physical and emotional abuse. Please don’t equate the sort of behavior Weinstein and Cosby are accused (and found guilty of in Cosby’s case) with the behavior Ms. Monahan describes. She describes a human being; Cosby’s and Weinstein’s accusers describe monsters.
54
Amen
1
Many women and children who have been mistreated in the past have not been believed when they tried to reveal their mistreatment and we must correct that error. Deciding that we will now always believe every person who claims abuse is not a correction, but another injustice.
32
@Old blue
I agree and it's why the Me Too Movement is going to be fail at some point,despite the good it has done and some of the predators it has helped bring down.
Because if guilty until proven innocent is the criteria folks will use(and many of them have) it's only a matter of time before someone whom everyone declares guilty turns out not to be.
And when that happens,future accusations will not be believed even if they are true.
6
If women are going to make emotional abuse a topic of public concern, they are going to find themselves on the receiving end of charges by men.
This could get very interesting, very fast.
16
@MJ
Gee, I thought we were "men" for a reason.
@MJ
So, from an article about one apparently disturbed woman's allegations you get "women are going to make emotional abuse a topic of public discussion"? Really.
A number of men have made similar (mistaken) conclusions about this article in these responses. So I guess I should assume that all men cannot read well and have serious issues with women that prevent them from having quality relationships.
1
I’m optimistic Karen Monahan’s allegations will fall by the wayside and only serve to strengthen #MeToo. This article is well reported and her story, on its face, is incredible - especially the bit about cell phone video stolen via hacking.
And this other woman dredging up her allegation from 2006 isn’t the best character witness to have in your corner - there’s a restraining order against her and a judge ordered her to refrain from making the accusation.
Hopefully the truth will come out in a court of law and the truly aggrieved party will take legal action, and the truly guilty will be punished.
8
When Keith was practicing as an attorney, he got parking tickets and did not pay them. His car was subsequently towed.
That, and that alone, should disqualify him from any public office.
However, his excuse for parking illegally was that he needed to serve his clients. But not paying tickets and losing his car, prevented him from serving his clients!
The man is an idiot. There is no other conclusion.
17
@George Orwell
Omigosh, if letting parking tickets accumulate is the measure of a person everyone in DC needs to be disqualified from their jobs.
10
Emotional abuse is real, documented and psychologically proven when applied to children, bullying victims and victims of domestic abuse. It is also present in relationship where there is mutual acts of emotional abuse, ie. bad relationships. But it's not right to dismiss claims of emotional abuse, no matter how unhinged or damaged the complainant or her behavior seems. Emotional abuse can be the cause of such behavior.
It seems clear emotional harm was done to Ms. Monahan. Whether it was by Mr. Ellison or former relationships or a combination of both is not something that can be rightfully judged unless by a medical professional or domestic abuse expert. I sincerely hope she can find peace and healing for her pain and trauma, and a way to move on from this damaging and fraught relationship.
53
Emotional abuse can certainly be the cause of such behavior, and in fact often is. The problem for me here is that it is nearly impossible to find an adult who has not experienced the abuse Ms. Monahan describes at the hands of...well, at the hands of us. All of us. You included. I doubt you see your own behavior as “abuse,” but you have no idea how X, Y, or Z is or was perceived by others.
6
she sent a nasty letter to his girlfriend. that is abusive. she claims he is a narcissist, but her own childhood experience is text book for developing a personality disorder, and if you read further into her actions after the break up, her irrational behavior closely aligns to someone with a fear of abandonment. he becomes her enemy, the reason she suffers. I'm sorry, she's not the metoo victim, he is.
2
@Una Rose
A grown woman with a career who was not being held hostage may come to realize she's in the wrong relationship and then she needs to LEAVE it. If she suffered years of emotional abuse she can blame herself and/or whoever abused her as a child and created in her the identity as a victim. I am sorry for her pain but not convinced she has the right to claim narcissistic abuse.
Sue Fraser Frankewicz, MSSW
1
I feel sad and sickened. This article indicates that the NYT is selling out. This is article is nothing more than tabloid pablum. No wonder this country and the American Democracy is in such a mess. Shame on your staff. I am disgusted with your organization and am seriously thinking of cancelling my subscription.
49
@Leslie374 ... Yes, " Fake News ", or is it?
Publishing this story is very poor judgment on the part of the New York Times. Big brother (or sister) is alive and well, just not from the direction we expected.
20
I betcha if Miss Monahan had become Mrs. Ellison, she wouldn't be whining now. Sure sounds like sour grapes to me. Get a life, Monahan. Ellison is moving on with his.
36
Abusive womanizer and cheater? If liberals want to bash Trump for these character faults Ellison is fair game. As for Monahan, she needs an emotional support animal of some sort (I suggest a dog).
9
I say 'believe the woman ' but this old woman thinks this is straight out of Fatal Attraction.
75
@Leslie D Great comment. I've never seen Fatal Attraction but from what I know about it this old man tends to agree with you.
4
@Leslie D
This woman's complicated and confused emotions certainly sounds like the character in Fatal Attraction. Very dangerous!
8
Where to draw the line on sexual harassment?
What's the difference between Al Franken and Keith Ellison? Race? Religion? Both were darlings of the Progressive left?
The left has subjective double standards.
Being able to selectively destroy someone with just a accusation is mob rule, the antithesis of innocent until proven guilty, but that line has been crossed.
Ellison must go or all other politicians so accused get reinstated...to be fair.
5
These days when psychiatry has fully embarrassed itself, with 28 psychiatrists diagnosing Trump from afar and the APA publishing a diagnostic manual that pathologises grief and is a recipe book only good for the pharmaceutical industry, I suppose it's fair game for anyone to invent diagnoses like narcissistic abuse. After all Rand Paul called critics of Trump's behavior in Helsinki as having "Trump Derangement Syndrome."
So now that the inmates have taken over the asylum, let's all use psychobabble to call each other names.
9
I’m sorry, but I think Ms. Monahan might be in the very small minority of people who make up false accusations of abuse. “Soul-rape” and “world narcissist abuse day”? Give me a break. This is trivializing a very serious and complex issue. If she really wants to viewed as credible, she will release the tape (assuming it actually exists).
69
@Zareen: Why did Ms monahan check Elillison's cell phone? Not good at all. They were not really a couple and she should have left earlier. Drop all this and find something or some one else who cares.
4
@Dandy
What?
1
So we're supposed to just take her word and ruin someone life and career. I'm not buying it. I don't take anyone's word for anything unless their is proof and I grew up in a household where physical violence was a weekly occurrence.
34
Now that the accused is a progressive Democrat, watch the pundits on the left will forget their "victim blaming" and #BelieveWomen rhetoric. Can we all just agree to let these matters be handed in the court of law so that we stop bludgeoning each other with unreported claims that took place 10+ years ago?
9
Mr. Ellison seems to have a very bad pattern in his relationships with women. And I'm willing to accept Ms. Monahan's allegations as true. But that doesn't necessarily mean he's an abuser.
Trying to draw a clear definition of “narcissist abuse” and then apply that to this description of their relationship seems impossible.
In this situation, it seems from a distance to be as the reporter said, " a bad break up." And in my mind, this doesn't diminish the #Me Too movement one bit.
Breakups and divorces always involve some level of emotional pain on both sides. States long ago changed their divorce laws to allow for a "no-fault" divorce, at least in part because discovering the truth and assigning fault had become almost impossible to do with consistency and fairness to both parties.
Harsh words could be abuse. But so could stoney silence when one needs a human connection the most.
This seems like the classic case of irreconcilable differences and it seems but for politics and social media they would be like many couples who simply go their separate ways.
250
@drspock
I agree. Ms. Monahan is so intent on taking revenge that she has taken the low road and blown what should have been a private matter into a public scandal.
In doing so, she has shamed, not Mr. Ellison, but herself.
1
@drspock Just where in this article did you glean that he has had "a very bad pattern in his relationships?" Friends with his ex-wife who supports him, the daughter and the current girlfriend all support him. So, where's the "bad pattern?" I do not support or condone abuse but just throwing accusations around is not enough to convince me that the abuse actually happened.
2
@drspock- And Amirah's accusations? Are they not true? Why?. Monahan denies them, so you believe her denials and not support Amirah's? Please explain.
1
What an incredible mess. No one likes to air their dirty laundry in public, so you must admire the way Ms Monahan stepped forward. Being involved in an extramarital relation, and physically and emotionally abusing your mate are entirely different. Mr Ellison is a bad example of a moralist, he should be investigated and Ms Monahan should have her story listened to.
1
@Tom ,Retired Florida Junkman
What should he be investigated for?
16
There are kids involved here. He has a daughter and she has a child, too. By all means be the adult you needed as a child. Start by showing a little class and dignity, and not exposing children to the sordid details of your crazy love life. Talk about narcissism...
38
It’s all getting to be too much.
13
Kudos to the MN voters who ignored this obvious non-story.
82
Seems like an imbalanced woman who can't let go. Relationships end and it is painful. It is not abuse.
41
The evidentiary standard based on this story is preponderance of the evidence. The great preponderance weighs in his favor. She is a liar and using her lies to do what would hurt him the most, destroying his career at its most vulnerable moment.
21
Me Too has sadly and predictably become a prudish avenue for jilted lovers to seek revenge and destroy their former lover. Let the National Enquirer report this, so we have some diversion at the check-out counter
35
Metoo at its best—all accusers must be believed. Except those against our friends.
Now write a story about how Ellison is best buds with the open anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan.
15
@Jon. You are repeating a political smear. Even Louis Farrakhan stated (this February) that Ellison rejected FARRAKHAN's movement in 2006, and Farrakhan has an incentive to claim a positive relationship with a leader of the Demographic Party.
5
When anyone suffers emotional abuse from their partner, they can leave. That's called dating. It's not working out, you feel down or depressed, it's not the best deal for you, you leave. It's abuse, only because you are staying in the relationship. In fact, at least partially, you are abusing yourself. Ms. Monahan, was not under the employ of Mr. Ellison, and no other reason to stay with him other then their personal relationship. What's missing here, of course, is any mention of what Ms. Monahen contributed to the the discord. Was she really a wonderful supportive angel of a woman? Now, she has no physical bruises, but through vengeance and revenge she feels justified to destroy the mans career, based on emotional bruises. This is where the "me-too" movement loses any credibility, there are no boundaries, no proof, no evidence she could show a third party. She takes on the appearance of sad even despicable person. Next up, she will want monetary compensation.
42
Most failed intimate relationship involves something that could be called emotional abuse. Almost always by both people involved. Some shout, and there’s harm unaccompanied by raised decibel levels.
Public airing of details of a failed relationship is also emotional abuse.
Who reading this article hasn’t done something they would be ashamed of in this context if it were in the NYT?
39
Self-Centered couples?
What an Oxymoronic idea.
4
"The questions around Mr. Ellison come eight months after Senator Al Franken, another popular progressive leader in Minnesota, resigned amid allegations that he made unwanted sexual advances."
Were these ever the accusations against Al Franken? I follow things pretty carefully, and all I'm aware of is foolishly posed photos, and women complaining of being "groped" while posing for photos. That's not the same as "unwanted sexual advances."
NYT: What's up with your reporting?
38
Every instance of of abuse is worth reporting to authorities and should result in appropriate recourse is the same true of all noisy interpersonal relationship? When will the press learn to edit and stop reporting inappropriately? While news reporting and journalism are becoming increasingly the same in the media, it is important that they not be confused. Please consider where and what you report or publicize at the New York Times instead of simply trying to get the scoop in first
6
He blows through women 10 times worse than Trump. I am sure Ellison will be the first to throw the first stone at Trump.
2
@shmatka69 Uh - he's had 2 serious relationships since his divorce...how is that blowing through women?!?!
18
@shmatka69 He hasn't cheated on a pregnant wife with a porn star and made illegal campaign contributions to cover it up. I'm not defending Ellison,but he is not as bad as Trump for sure.
6
@shmatka69
I encourage you to listen to Trump brag about sexually assaulting women, and trying to bed a married woman, on the Access Hollywood tape.
Take a look at his multiple affairs with porn stars, while married.
No way is Ellison as bad as Trump. Not even close.
It's sad that Trump cultists have to lie so often.
3
Grew up in a home with extreme emotional abuse directed at my mother and all the children. A few of the worst moments in a bad relationship don’t count. Her use of the terminology is vague. This broadening of the term abuse and also overuse of the word assault minimizes the experience that survivors have had.
61
I cannot believe the spin. From Ellison, who I think is guilty and from the comments here. Seems like a total double standard being played out. Cannot have it both ways. How can a guy who has admitted he does not trust law enforcement be the state's prosecutor? I also think his law license has expired.
2
@Bob Why do you think he's guilty? Because you don't like his politics or "because he does not trust law enforcement?"
6
I voted for Ellison in the primary and will do so again in general. Ellison will actually be a more attractive candidate to many in MN because he hasn’t stepped down. After Franken being forced out, Minnesotans want more due process as Mayor Hodges stated.
38
@K Johnson, Not to mention that the R candidate is apparently severely right wing and counts an LGBTQ hate group among his clients. Not what we need in Minnesota.
3
Since the 'victim' is blaming women for stealing her man (even after the end of the relationship), her claims that he was the villain just don't seem to make sense.
Her own tragic childhood (according to the bit told in the article) may be reason to understand her need to be the winner, somehow, in the end of the relationship - reason, even to sympathize. But the current story as told by others, may suggest that the man here may be the more likely victim.
MeToo is a great advance over a too-common history of men's 'right' to abuse, women's to not tell. Now we need to recognize that every woman's tale of abuse needs to be heard - and addressed in new ways, both for healing and to sort fact from fiction.
6
Sometimes it's a bad relationship with an ugly ending. These cases are much different than rapes and physical abuse. Women had to learn to distinguish between a crime and a bad breakup. This unfortunate situation sounds like the latter.
15
Emotional abuse? We need to save this seat and past actions matter little.
2
The article quotes Betsy Hodges, a former mayor of Minneapolis who identifies as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.“I want to make sure that women are believed...I also want to make sure that we follow a process when we evaluate.”
Sorry. These two ideas can't be held together. We can't believe everything accusers say while also following a sound process of evaluation. When we always believe accusers say, the Karen Monahans of the world come out of the woodwork to ruin the lives of innocent people.
11
There is a record of a 911 call on May 16, 2005 from an Amy Alexander claiming assault by Ellison.
While I have read conflicting evidence about this (Alexander stands by her charges; Ellison states she was crazy) - nevertheless this is not the first time that a woman has claimed Ellison has exhibited this type of behavior.
7
@justme She was crazy - that is why HE got a restraining order against HER
5
@LiberalMama - and you know that she is crazy ... because Ellison filed a restraining order against her? Alexander also had a restraining order against Ellison.
How does one determine from the fact that both had restraining orders against one another - that Alexander is the one that is "crazy"?
1
We have no way of knowing the truth about their relationship or their treatment of each other. However, the phrase "narcissist abuse" is so subjective and loaded, we should be careful about judging anyone accused of such behavior.
No man or a woman should have a right to use personal vendetta or other problems to ruin anyone's life,
Sexism needs to be removed from our lives, but taking extreme, unjust, and unfair, measures to correct it would be as bad.
21
I give more weight to Karen's story because of the previous example of Ellison blowing up at the end of his relationship with Amy Alexander. Reading Amy's account in the Wright County Republican from 2006, a pattern emerges, and it's all the more remarkable because she had the audacity to tell her story before #metoo. She was dismissed at the time, even though there's a police report of the incident, and it didn't help that she went to political rivals to air her grievance. Now her account gives Karen's story more context. It's not just any emotional abuse from a bad relationship, it's making a partner feel terrified that I can't countenance.
That said, part of what gave Karen's story so much attention was the claim of video evidence of an Ellison tirade. If she can't produce it, that's going to hurt her.
I normally vote straight ticket DFL, and this November I'll be leaving AG blank.
3
@Jennifer Did you skip the part where he had no romantic relationship with Amy and won a restraining order against her to stop her from harassing and stalking him and was told to stop repeating her false accusations that they'd had a relationship?! She was jilted she didn't get a job she wanted! She tried to get a restraining order in retaliation and it was denied.
16
@LiberalMama I've read about that, and it didn't take very much just 12 years ago to dismiss and silence a woman. #Metoo is hurt as much by partisan defenses as it is by slogging into gray areas. It's hard to consider killing our liberal darlings, especially ones with successful track records of winning elections.
1
I'm drawing the line here. Imagine a male wrecking a females career with the reasoning that she "was emotionally abusive, forcing me to forego my female friendships, and spend all of my waking hours caring for her wellbeing with no time for myself". That's ridiculous.
Unless it's ACTUAL emotional abuse such as indoctrination and brainwashing of a dependant (e.g minors or wards-of-state and similar), then this is not a thing.
7
I cannot stand Ellison. The Me Too movement seems to believe that the woman is always to be believed, which, of course, is nonsense. This makes him a sympathetic figure in my eyes. He seems like a fragile person, however. That is OK, it is difficult to be strong, but, not what you want as an elected official. I will vote to send him back to private life.
1
If he really pulled her out of bed, that's a problem. The rest is a messy breakup.
4
Sorry Karen Monahan. No one should be able to ruin another person's life just by making an unsupported accusation. If you have proof, show us. I am ready to believe the worst of Keith Ellison, one of my least favorite politicians, but so far this accusation sounds like revenge for a breakup.
15
The “accuser” should be utterly ashamed of her actions, as should media companies and feminists for even airing this story. This is a bad relationship not physical abuse or other. Show me one element of her claims that constitute abuse or are worthy of public referendum? Perhaps she was a bad partner, obviously they were not compatible, perhaps she stuck around for god knows what reason (Ie it seems he requested that she move out of his home, and she did not), If this is the realm we are now entering, where Partners can come forward, and accuse their ex of “abuse” and publish texts, emails, etc showing how lousy a partner they were, then my friends, we are living in absurd times. For all the feminists defending her and her cause and this new form of abuse, I wonder if they were ever in a lousy relationship or ever fought with a partner verbally? Perhaps we should find your text messages or emails from your partner saying how hurt you made them feel, or how you let them down? Get real.
17
@Steve Thank you and I'm a woman who doesn't put up with abuse from anyone. But I'm sick of women being able to accuse a man and without proof, ruin his life because the relationship didn't work out. Sorry, but she sounds like a stalker.
10
Allegations are not facts. Many of us have either experienced maritial difficulty or known others who have. Anger, lies, revenge and yes, verbal and physical abuse can occur. When it spills over to the political, public domain, we as voters can only fairly evaluate factual truth; especially so close to an election. This woman claims she has evidence - she should release it forthwith.
4
Baselessly accusing someone of cheating (as well as trying to drive a wedge between them and their children) is practically the definition of emotional abuse. Sounds like someone was abusive in this relationship, but it wasn't Mr. Ellison...
9
This was a bad breakup, not abuse. From everything that's come out, from Ellison's ex-wife, daughter, colleagues, etc., Monahan has issues that she's dealing with in a non-productive way. Were there fights? I don't doubt it, but the abuse isn't Ellison's personality. When someone like Monahan claims to have a video, but says she'll never release it, this is nothing but an angry person who wants to hurt someone because she was hurt in her life. She needs help, not publicity.
33
It's a shame that the "me too" movement is losing its focus on rape and sexual abuse by predators who have power over the victim - either career power, physical power, or blackmail of some kind. Once the movement loses that clearly defined edge, we end up with stories like this, where an obsessed former partner is ardently pursuing revenge because she can't countenance the relationship ending, except on her terms. It's pretty clear that Ms. Monahan is the narcissist in this scenario, and it is shameful that the media are publicizing the private details of a rather unexceptional breakdown of a relationship. Partners falling out of love, shouting angrily at each other, and demanding that the former partner "get out" should not be in the same category as rape and sexual predation, and certainly should not become the subject of detailed exposes in mainstream media. If I were a victim in a Weinstein-like scenario, I would feel that my suffering and injuries were diminished by stories like this.
32
Al Franken, also a Minnesota democrat, had to resign the senate for less. Either you have standards or you don't.
10
@DK
I don't see your line of reasoning. Are you saying Ellison's situation is worse based on the perceived severity of the abuses alleged, as compared to those directed at Franken?
Whether you believe, substantively, that Al Franken deserved the outcome he received is a legitimate but separate debate. But there was no shortage of credible, tangible evidence surrounding the accusations made against him. One factor was the quantity of accusations (coming from multiple women w/ no reason to lie, who worked with Franken at different points in his life), as well as the fact that there was literally a photograph of him appearing to grope an unconscious woman on a USO tour.
There is no such credibility established (at least yet) around anything being directed at Ellison. Other women who have been in intimate, familial, and professional relationships with him find the accusations bizarre and inconsistent with their own experiences. There is no physical evidence of misconduct, even from electronic communications, which is vanishingly rare in this day and age.
They are separate cases and should not be conflated.
1
Expecting fidelity from still good looking divorced rock stars or politicians is an exercise in heartbreak.
A belief that you can cure emotionally bruised and psychologically damaged people should cause one to check their hubris.
Those in the arena or considering going into it have to be tough. And have tough partners.
The word "relationship" covers so much territory. In days of yore people scoped each other out by dating, then got married. Okay, it wasn't a perfect era either, but "moving in" with someone sounds like such a copout. It's an unwritten license to leave for both parties, and the ultimate temptation for people who love ambiguity.
3
The successful politician who is not a narcissist is a rare individual indeed. And as destructive as narcissism can be to personal relationships, it is a personality flaw and not a crime against humanity. The rest of us are responsible for how we deal with narcissists, and with minimizing the damage they can cause. Unfortunately for the very legitimate #MeToo movement, Ms. Monahan comes off as vindictive, immature and unhinged.
11
Do we need to know all this? I think not. Indeed, I regret having read as far into the article as I did.
11
I am a supporter of #metoo. I believe people when they come forward with experiences of abuse. I know that otherwise progressive men are capable of being abusive in their relationships with women and do not presume that they are less likely to be guilty because they are progressive in other respects. When the allegations first came out against Al Franken, I was quick to believe them because they were internally consistent and supported by evidence. I have not had cause to revise my views.
All of that said, I do not find the accusations against Ellison compelling. Members of Congress probably don’t make the best boyfriends. Nobody runs for Congress who isn’t at least a little self-centered. They keep strange hours and have meetings that are hard to explain. They often have a taste for drama. I think there are such things as emotionally abusive relationships, but it’s obviously a malleable term. Not every relationship that makes you feel crazy and miserable is neccesarily abusive in a way that demands a public airing. Similarly, continuing to live with someone after breaking up is almost always a very bad idea that doesn’t always bring out people’s better angels.
When you claim to have video of someone being abusive but then fail to produce it, it is not unreasonable to think that either the video doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t really show what is alleged. Until we have more evidence to the contrary we should not accept Ms. Monahan’s characterization of Ellison as abusive.
11
Why no mention of the 911 call made in May of 2005 claiming Mr. Ellison assaulted the caller? Assuming that call was made by Ms. Alexander it would fit in nicely in the paragraph where Ms. Alexander alleges Mr. Ellison shoved her and provide contemporaneous proof of her allegation.
2
Most commentators here side with mr Ellison. If the other party had been a Republican there would have been moral outrage. Unfortunately for ms Monahan, he is a prominent holier than thou Democrat.
5
She describes "narcissistic abuse." She sounds like she is engaged in "borderline personality disorder rage." A train wreck of a relationship but not worthy of Ellison being pilloried. He and she are responsible for badly relating.
9
“Minnesota Democrats have preached that we must believe domestic violence victims,” [the Republican candidate] posted on his website. “That is, until it is one of their own.”
And Minnesota Republicans have undoubtedly preached that we must give the benefit of the doubt when there is an accusation of domestic violence. Except apparently when it is a Democratic candidate.
26
Now there’s something called “emotional abuse”? What’s next “extrasensory abuse”? Or “thought abuse”? People in a romantic relationship are often hard on each other. It’s not all candy and roses. Sometimes they say mean things to one another. It’s unfortunate, often sad and hurtful. Abuse, however, implies a campaign of behavior the sole intent of which is to torment or damage a person. An argument or even a series of arguments is not abuse, though I’m sure one or both of the participants can easily perceive it that way. One can simply walk away and as long as there is no physical violence or one is not exercising some objectively coercive authority or power over the other, it’s not abusive. Trying to make it so may be, however.
58
The reality of what happens between romantic partners is hard for anyone, including therapists to discern. While physical and emotional abuse are terrible and not to be tolerated, one partner reporting that gives us one side of what is almost always a complicated interaction. Physical abuse as terrible as it is , is easier to define. The “diagnosis “made about this person may be true, what is left out of the equation is the potential “diagnosis” of the partner who is also in this complicated relationship. Therapists sort this out, not newspaper stories.
13
Very good. Now the truth comes out Keith Ellison. I love it! Cheers!
9
@Southern Boy How do you know it's the truth? Sounds like you just don't like Mr. Ellison or his politics.
3
@J. Faye Harding,
You got that right, but his behavior is typical. Thank you.
1
Unfortunately, I think this woman is going to make it harder for the women who come after her to be believed. She’s not coming off as credible. If she has the proof she claims she has, she needs to produce it.
56
@JJ
Proof of what? The breakup of an unhealthy relationship? I’ve been married nearly 50 years--mostly happily--but if I counted every time we yelled at or insulted each other...well, it wouldn’t be 50 years, would it?
7
@Pundette - Proof of being physically dragged off the bed by him. The yelling, insulting, I agree, is not anything but the breakup of an unhealthy relationship.
1
Odd - I thought that we were supposed to extend victim the benefit of the doubt in all cases, yet the comments here (and, for the most part, to the Argento story) all accuse the victim of instability and dishonesty. Wonder why that is?
10
@Hapax Legomenon Can't rock the boat of a liberal icon. Didn't you know that? Ask Bill Clinton; he knows all about the feminists' dounle standard.
1
@Hapax Legomenon
You want an honest answer? I will give you mine. She does not come across as someone who was emotionally battered like those who were victimized by HW. She claims she has proof, then won't show it then loses phone then computer gets hacked. She comes across as unstable and someone who came off a bad relationship. Her backstory comes into play as well. I don't believe her.
13
@Hapax Legomenon
Maybe it's because it--in this case, she--walks like a duck.As for Argento, she did pay Bennett off didn't she. You probably believe Trump had an affair with Stormy Daniels. That would be he said she said, but for the fact that $130,000 says all that needs to be said. How much did Argento pay? Was it $390,000? By the way, the accusation against Argento isn't instability. It's hypocrisy.
4
“They didn’t bring out the best in each other.” This judicious description of a broken relationship – universally applicable to love gone bad – should be the end of it. But no. Not nowadays. It's not the end but only the beginning of a concerted campaign to ruin a man – a public lynching. Even accepting as true everything Monahan says – including the angry bed-pulling – nothing Ellison did merits a public airing. It is all private and should remain private. Sometimes people are strongly attracted to each other for all the wrong reasons – but this takes some time to understand. When Ellison had understood it, at the end, he made the mistake of letting Monahan stay in his house when she should have been gone. Finally, he snapped and threw a temper tantrum to force her out. This is not exemplary behavior but who among us, reading this, is in a moral position to throw the first stone? The point is that social movements can easily morph into the very instruments of oppression they sought to defeat – and the MeToo movement is on the cusp of doing exactly that. This is an important article that should get us thinking and, hopefully, will help keep an important movement from going over the precipice. Said Betsy Hodges: “I also want to make sure that we follow a process when we evaluate. A bad breakup is not the same thing as abuse.” Amen.
1007
@Barry Schreibman
At the same time, I hope you advocate better laws to make it possible for women who are abused and need assistance get the help they deserve. This does sound like a bad breakup, but there are too many abused women who are dismissed by law enforcement. Somehow, we need to figure out how to thread this needle.
3
@SWLibrarian: I am with you. Some are still too willing to ignore the wrongs of centuries. It took millenia for women -- abused and powerless as a whole throughout much of human history -- to attain enough political power and legal authority to begin to right some of the wrongs that have been perpetrated upon them.
Too many forget that in this country, many of our grandmothers could not vote. And that there are still nations today where women do not have the freedom to vote. They forget that even today in our own country, there are still factions that do not want women to hold office, celebrate mass, run Fortune 500 companies, be a member of the judiciary, serve in the military, or have power and authority of any kind. All we have to do is to look at who sits in the Oval Office now, and we can see that there is still a long way to go and muchbwork to do before the old beliefs in male authority and female submissiveness are completely a thing of the past.
3
@Barry Schreibman
The #MeToo movement has already gone over the cliff. After the clearly innocent Al Franken was forced out of the Senate by his own people due to a transparent hit job from the Hannity crowd no one can take #MeToo seriously again. The current degradation of this once important movement has drawn the likes of Ms. Monahan, an unstable woman who is looking for a way to punish an ex-boyfriend for the demise of their relationship. She has no honor to attack a public servant over ambiguous but highly volatile accusations, and no self respect to use the most private moments of a personal relationship as if it were nothing. As the #MeToo movement drifts toward the ridiculous without sensing the mockery they are making of themselves they are sacrificing the real needs of women who have been damaged to their own need to chase the ephemeral viral moment. In the end they could end up setting the cause of women's rights in the workplace back a generation. You've come a long way baby, but you still have a lot to learn.
2
Based from personal experience, and a career that brought us into contact with people with relationships marked by jealous obsession, what Ms Monahan described is not something that the public should get to judge.
As for Ellison being narcissistic to some degree, self centered to a degree, well, yes, he is a politician ...
Her complaints can have some validity, which doesn't mean he was abusive in any sense that is a public matter. Her obsession with him suggests that she had unrealistic expectations about the relationship: that she would become the center of his universe and was shaken and vengeful when that didn't happen.
Her background suggests that she may have been primed to anticipate rejection in an intimate relationship. She carries baggage which may slant her interpretation of others. Normally, bringing up HER personal background - if there was any evidence of abuse - would be off the table, but since she has made a mission of publicly airing accusations about his personality to bring him down, her "stuff" is fair game.
His daughter would tend to be loyal to her dad, but her descriptions of Ms Monahan's jealousy are very convincing.
The lost cell phone and computer hacks sound like her own doing, to excuse the lack of evidence.
The loss of someone's love causes emotional pain. She views her pain as evidence of his wrongdoing, but that is not reality. She was not held prisoner, other than by her own emotional needs. This is not a Weinstein case.
165
@cheryl "As for Ellison being narcissistic to some degree, self centered to a degree, well, yes, he is a politician ... ".......now that sounds a lot like public judging
@cheryl - I tend to agree with you. It’s amazing that the woman seeking sympathy over unsubstantiated claims of tampering with her phone, readily admits and publicized her own invasion of his private phone and correspondence by taking screenshots of his private conversations and spreading them on social media.
Apparently she’s fine disclosing that evidence, but when it comes to her allegations of abuse, that’s where she decides she isn’t required to support her claims! Something smells fishy about all this to say the least.
3
This is getting ridiculous. Women need to know when it's time to leave a relationship that is ending and not antagonize the partner into retaliating. I've been there. You have to learn to read between the lines as they say. Life is full of disappointments and sometimes rejection. I totally support women who experience abuse but don't turn a break-up into victimhood, it's not healthy. It hurts for sure, but be honest with yourself about whether you just want vengeance and are willing to ruin the other person. If someone changes their mind in a relationship and wants to leave, that detachment and coldness in itself is not abuse-it sucks of course but come on, grow up. Don't use this new permission to report on real sexual/domestic abuse as a weapon to hurt someone who dumped you. It's like crying wolf.
109
@Deb Paley Victim bashing. Excellent! It's so hard to be a victim supporter when the bad guy is a liberal stalwart. Sheesh!
1
“Not antagonize the partner”?? That is classic victim-blaming language. What did you do to make him angry? Try not to upset him.
@SilverLaker 4284 You totally missed my point. In a dysfunctional relationship both parties can act badly. Give it a rest!
1
i have been following this story here in Minnesota since it broke right before the August primaries. It continues to look like a bad break-up, and how can this be worthy of major attention in the press?
All of us, as flawed human beings, should think hard about weaponizing our political opponents’ low private emotional moments, lest the bar for stepping into the public arena become so high that no one sane will want to subject themselves to running for office.
315
Sorry..pulling a woman out of bed against her will while cursing at her is both physical and emotional abuse. No way around that.
13
I agree. If true.
2
@Hank
I agree it's abuse, if in fact it happened. So far it's an unfounded accusation.
On another note, if he asked someone staying at his house rent free, to take out the trash and they refused or ignored him; that in itself is abusing his hospitality and quite rude. This would not excuse any form of abuse, but is reason enough to lose your temper and tell your guest to leave.
I find it difficult to build a mental picture of someone taking a video while being violently pulled off of a bed. I know it would be physically difficult for me.
6
@Hank
Then I guess every kid in America who didn't want to go to school and got pulled out of bed by an angry parent is the victim of abuse. Would that be worthy of a news story too?
I can see how emotional abuse would be a significant issue. This particular case does not quite fit the definition cleanly.
14
Suspending belief that her claim is credible - she said she has a video on her phone but won't produce it, then reported that he computer had been hacked and she lost abusive emails. She's called the credibility of her statements into question.
71
I'm sorry, but this woman is clearly emotionally unstable and is using this moment to take revenge on a former paramour for a relationship that she's still bitter about ending. Case closed. I would recommend Mr. Ellison choose his partners more wisely in the future, as he clearly has a penchant for women who have emotional problems, and he seems to lack the morality that one would hope to find in a decent human being.
66
@Deineira
Upon what are you founding your belief his morals are lacking? What did he do indecently?
When he broke off his relationship with this woman, then he allowed her to stay rent free in his house. While I find that a recipe for disaster, it also reflects on his morals.
Not pushing a penniless woman out in the street and allowing her to stay after their relationship was finished, speaks highly of his morality, even though it calls his intellect into question.
6
@Ken First
While I heartily agree with the Constitution that there shall be no religious tests for holding office, I think a politician who is well known in part for his religious beliefs should hold himself to the standards of his faith and not live with a woman whom he has not married.
@Deineira
Wish you would explain how you arrived at your conclusion that he lacks morality.
1
In response to the woman who said we haven't figured out how to "nuance it", well, we do need to understand that figuring out the nuances is crucial. Showing lack of respect for a partner or screaming at a partner is NOT the same as penetrative rape.
The @MeToo movement could all too easily descend into vindictive social media mob.
39
Some of these reports appear to imply that these women are simply inferior beings, incapable of critical thought or action. But then again they assert that these women are the smartest the world has had to offer. Which is it?
Note to self: the AI singularity can't come soon enough. All hail the benevolent robot overlords.
3
Victims shouldn’t have to provide proof? Perhaps not, but, you sure do when you say you have it
87
@H. Savage
And it shifts the burden of proof
1
So this is what passes for a story of "abuse" now? Is this how low the bar is set? It basically amounts to, "He yelled at me." And yet here it is published in the NY Times, along with an examination of his private life and relationship history. This is disgusting.
Do women really think this is helping their cause? Does the NY Times think so? All this does is hasten the backlash. How long before men are going to need their own MeToo moment?
172
Emotional abuse is serious, and should not be dismissed, but we should not loose sight of the fact that women are likely to be some of the most significant perpetrators of such abuse. So if the #MeToo movement is going to tackle such conduct they had better be prepared for what that means for their movement, which has been deeply rooted in the idea that wrongful conduct is something men do to women.
8
#Me too continues to implode. Now every unhappy relationship gives the woman a chance to destroy the man with her tell all, the media more than happy to oblige with a detailed account.
Narcissist abuse? What kind of nonsense is this? I’m no fan of Ellison, but now every politician must account for every disagreement, shouting match, or uncomfortable moment in every past relationship? They must account for every interaction they’ve ever had? This is insanity. Me too.. a vindictive movement, a feminist tool, designed to allow women to punish men for any perceived wrong no matter how slight. The man is always lying, the woman always truthful. The media is the perfect place to hash this out and decide guilt. These are the absurd tenets we are supposed to accept. Let’s see what happens. Franken fell, but maybe there will be more wisdom here now that we’ve seen the true hypocrisy of Me Too exemplified by the recent cases where women were accused of wrongdoing. Everyone should see this as it is, a vindictive woman trying to bring down a powerful man, not much more.
90
@Rob Powerful man? Interesting definition you use which suggests Ellison craves admiration - a definition of narcissism to me. He clearly wants power. Weak men seek power- an opinion of course. John Poole
@Rob
Implode? Eh, no. Growing pains maybe. Abusers ain’t getting away that easily.
Any victim, child/adult, woman/man, deserves support and safety, and a shot at moving on. Unconditional caring and a willing and open listener are necessary elements of any life, especially in the wake of painful, damaging events.
But "victims should not be forced to prove their claims" is way, way beyond the pale.
Especially when, in cases like this one, a revelation is made at a uniquely damaging time, in a uniquely damaging forum, and the charges, while life changing, fall short of criminal behavior.
New Jersey attempted to memorialize such an attitude in a well-meaning but dunderheaded stab at keeping women safe. The plan was to arrest any one reported to be abusive and sort out legal niceties later. Just keep the victim safe.
Who could question such a thing?
Except it became "Make a call, get your partner hauled in handcuffs from the house, and let him or her struggle for permission to get back in, to retrieve belongings, to appear in court bearing the burden of having been arrested for abuse.
Victims may be sympathetic or no, honest or not.
Having achieved the legal status of being believed without question or evidence, they run the risk of becoming abusers themselves and, worse, casting doubt on the legitimacy of the impulse to instant, unquestioned care that began the process in the first place.
Victims need more than allegations, unsupported, to wreak this havoc in another life. Just as victims need support, safety, and the ability to move on.
31
@oogada
Well said
I consider myself a feminist, nevertheless I wonder if that woman isn’t committing “narcicist abuse” against someone who dared to leave her.
430
This is a gray area so we need to question what little evidence there is. He said she said situations must be navigated carefully. My default setting is to automatically believe a woman because in a significant majority of cases women don’t come forward unless it’s true due to intense scrutiny and abuse they receive. However, we have seen the exceptions in the past where a woman has lied for revenge, etc. Her erratic explanations does her no favors. Additionally, the inconsistent portrayal from other partners makes me question this accusation. Until more solid evidence or another significant corroboration is revealed, I am withholding my judgement. A contentious relationship should not ruin a reputation.
20
How can Ellison be a AG when he doesn't have a current law license?
9
https://kstp.com/politics/law-degree-not-requirement-minnesota-attorney-...
"Law Degree Not a Requirement To Be Minnesota’s Attorney General"
[[When Minnesota’s state constitution was adopted in 1857, there was nothing requiring the state's attorney general to be an attorney or hold a law license in Minnesota to earn the office. And that has not changed all these years later.
Which is why, in Minnesota’s primary Aug. 14, there are nine candidates listed on the ballot, including two Republicans without law degrees and one DFL lawyer not currently authorized to practice.
"There's clearly a spirit of democracy that says anyone can be president, or anyone can grow up to be attorney general, but a lot can be said for experience," Hamline professor David Schultz said.
But Article V of the Minnesota Constitution, then Article 7, section 6 simply requires the candidate to be 21, a resident of the state 30 days before the election and to be elected by the people.]]
2
@john garceau Ellison has completed the 45 hours of continuing legal education needed to get his (voluntarily inactivated ) law license reinstated in Minnesota. He has also filed a plan to complete an additional 45 hours of CLE. According to Minnesota Lawyer magazine, "CLE Board Director Emily Eschweiler confirmed that those two steps would put an attorney on track to reviving a voluntarily inactivated law license."
Many lawyers choose to go on inactive status when living outside the state, or when no longer actively practicing law. It is not a big deal.
6
A high profile politician accused of being a narcissist is akin to water being accused of being wet. But, where do we draw the line between being selfish and being abusive? All relationships have a ying and a yang. I have a solid marriage, but if it ever went off the rails, and its worst moments were exposed . . . I can only shudder.
225
Lord help us.
What is this world coming to?
Did this woman not have the opportunity to "just say no?"
Why if he was such an abuser did she stay?
I imagine she also abused him emotionally.
76
@esp - That sticks with me too. I’ve heard of people being abused into staying by a partner who wouldn’t let them leave, but it appears that Ellison actively ended the relationship and wanted her to leave, but she wouldn’t go and he unwisely continued to allow her to live in the house and support her for far too long after it was over.
If trying to get someone out of your house and life after a break up is abuse, then we need to come up with a different word for real acts of violence, because “abuse” appears to be losing its legitimacy.
4
So, now the feminists want men punished for "emotional" abuse. What is emotional abuse? The feminist answer is simple, it is whatever they want it to be, whatever they claim it is, whatever behavior they don't approve of.
But this will turn out to be a very foolish effort for feminists. Because emotional abuse is definitely a 2 way street, perpetrated by women as often and as severely as by men. Indeed, perhaps women are more often guilty.
35
@Errol
No. Errol, Feminists do not want men punished for "emotional" abuse. No where in the article does it say that. The "feminist activist" quoted "acknowledged that men who have been accused of rape and workplace harassment might have been “lumped together” with those who had bad dates or relationships that just went sour."
The article is about a disturbed woman, a politician who made a poor choice in a partner, and presents a balanced view of both sides of the story. Further, the majority of responses by women to the article object to Monahan's allegations being considered as #metoo allegations.
Your take on this article indicates that you may need to read more carefully, and get professional help with your own issues with women.
2
My local Democratic committee has advanced a candidate who has been accused of sexual harassment, sexually inappropriate and lewd conduct, and uninvited touching. Because it was handled in secret, within the town/school disciplinary protocol, determined in their unilateral discretion to not have been criminal or "bullying" by a preponderance of the evidence, the public may never know and like Mr. Ellison, he will thrive within the Progressive movement. Another Weinstein is born with Keith Ellison as mentor. There are plenty of really qualified men and women to lead the progressive charge. Why support anyone who has had their integrity called into question for such an important leadership position? He can alienate half the electorate. Even if it was a bad break up, it shows poor judgement, a lack of self-control, and basic diplomacy/communication skills. Whether its Steve Jobs getting a pass as a bad dad, or Ellison as an abusive boyfriend, Musk as the sympathetic snake oil salesmen dressed in bi-polar, these men have the kind of personalities we don't need in government or business. Yet, here again the NYT and far too many women want to give another bad boy the pass. Look in the mirror. Our boys and men are in pain, turning on themselves and us, and we continue to coddle them, push them forward, glowing NYT article and all. Mr. Ellison should set a mature example for bad boy junior and step down. I know a few good women who would gladly stand in, baggage free.
7
I think you need to also look in the mirror and accept that this woman’s role and actions clearly are also at fault. Life is a 2 way street.
22
@Underhiseye
When did Mr. Ellison do anything to warrant being compared as equal to Mr. Weinstein?
By deciding the man is guilty immediately, because he is a man with no corroborating evidence except word of mouth, is going to disenfranchise or dilute the effectiveness of any movement to safeguard women and their right to be safe in their work and personal environment.
While all abuse is abuse, this doesn't mean all abuse is equal and each case should be subject to individual treatment and not be lumped into an amorphous blob.
To do so could be considered abuse.
8
Seems like a person who is emotionally fragile and needs a new woman every time he goes into abyss. That isn't a strong personality for a politician . He first better resolve his personal issues.
11
@rajn
That's what you got out of this? The HE is the emotionally fragile person? To each their own.
10
A woman abuser has no business being an attorney general. Period.
13
Who knows what happened with Ellison and his ex? Maybe he is a narcissist. Maybe she’s suffering from borderline personality disorder. Unless others come forward with stories of physical abuse, I am inclined to think Ellison got into a relationship with an attractive activist, regretted it, and the breakup went bonkers.
Regardless, this whole episode is a reminder of how much the Internet has upended our lives - and in just the past decade. There is no such thing as a private life anymore, particularly for public figures Ellison. Social media might empower victims to hold abusers accountable, and that’s great in theory - but social media and viral reporting can just as easily be weaponized to less beneficial, more vindictive ends.
If I were Ellison, or any other single politician, I’d quit dating, period. Not worth the risk.
182
Seems a decision Lindsey Graham made.
4
This is crazy!!! This woman sounds extremely unstable and vindictive and is riding the coattails of the MeToo movement to exact revenge as a scorned lover.
It sounds like they had a dysfunctional relationship that ended badly. With her being as dysfunctional as she accuses him to be.
360
Women who make these claims are “believed” unless the perp is a democrat, perfect example is Bill Clinton. His war room team and Hillary blamed his victims for being his victims. Ellison will be given a pass by most democrats because they like his positions. Sad.
13
No, he'll get pass because the claimed abuse is out of character according to most people close to him and the accuser refuses to release the evidence she claims will vindicate her. It's a hatchet job, and an obvious one at that
11
Donald Trump is given a pass because his supporters like him, sadder.
4
So we have an ex-wife who states Mr. Ellison is a stand-up man.
We have a child who states Ms. Monahan essentially behaved like a step-mother out of a Disney film.
We have only positive statements being made by Mr. Ellison.
We have Ms. Monahan claiming she has evidence, but then not producing it because of "victimhood."
We have the accusations, not of physical abuse but "emotional abuse" being made at a time that clearly hurts Mr. Ellison's career.
Doesn't sound like #MeToo to me. Sounds like an anger-prone, ex-girlfriend trying to get revenge.
898
@melopsittacus Substitute Trump's name for Ellison's and I wonder how your opinion would change.
2
@melopsittacus The metoo is in fact enabling sexualized terror. Any relationship now may be reported as abusive or rape and one is supposed to believe the "survivor." That has to stop. If metoo is supposed to prevent abuse against women it is their onus to make clear distinctions and not just ruin lives based on unfounded accusations. But of course this is impossible, the whole movement, whatever it's intentions, is based on the possibility of slander and shedding terror.
4
@melopsittacus
#HellHathnoFury
I pity the journalists. Look at the things they have to write in order to keep their jobs.
63
I must say as a Democratic voter that Franken seems to have been indicted by the me too movement very quickly for behavior that was certainly boorish and childish and totally inappropriate but Ellison comes across as someone with difficulty dealing with women.
Quite a few cases of relationships going bad in a short period of time. Stay tuned.
13
@charles
Should your relationship history be taken into account in your employment? Do you want to be put under suspicion for "difficulty dealing with women"? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?
And we wonder why decent people don't want to run for office.
8
@J.C.yes, your relationship should be taken into account if it involves assualt
@charles
This involves an ~accusation~ of assault, and one that is never going to stand up in court. She's not credible. But thanks for being part of the witch hunt. May you never get caught up in it.
3
This is all so confusing. Who to believe? Who to support? On one hand is a charismatic black Muslim progressive - but a man. And on the other hand is a bevy of progressive female activists.
And then there is the issue of how to nuance the very real issue of soul rape via narcissist abuse. Can nuance be used as a verb? Should it be? Are any of these things even real? Is it appropriate to start a relationship with a woman whose divorce papers are being reviewed at a conference for the transgendered? Is that an abuse of power? Is that appropriate? Did it even happen?
Such are the frequent challenges of being the coalition of the fringes. Yes - many of us are survivors, of everything from soul rape to micro-aggressions. Yes - as a result, many of us have various personality and psychological disorders. But this is what makes being a progressive so glorious. It’s the struggle - with everyone and everything around you, always.
Anyway, many thanks to the Times for writing all of this up. I feel like these looks into the private lives of progressives aren’t common enough, and if more people on the edge can see how rich and exciting life in the movement can be, and that romance is hardly forbidden even if it’s fraught with risk and pain, then the movement will get bigger.
13
One of the conversations we need to have is the reality that some people become so attached to their identity as "victims" that they can no longer see themselves in any other light.
This can have grave consequences on the people around them.
I'm sure there are some skilled, licensed psychoanalysts and psychiatrists who could provide some insight. I'd really like to see their comments in this discussion.
I have learned to stay FAR away from people who show any sign of that kind of issue.
198
@J Jencks not only do good fences make good neighbors, good boundaries keep us out of relationships with emotional vampires aka borderline personality disorders.
People who succumb to the siren song of 'you are my everything' might find a dead pet rabbit soon thereafter.
6
@J Jencks
When you see crazy coming you cross the street, you don’t invite them in.
1
@J Jencks Being a victim is extremely sexy in 2018. It's the identity du jour. Hopefully this will change soon.
4
As usual, a movement started to battle true abuse overdoes it. I imagine most people who get divorced could claim emotional abuse by their ex partner, that doesn't make it true. I am not ready to believe any old accuser in he said, she said situations, especially where there are not multiple accusers. It's just way too easy for emotionally damaged, politically motivated or vengeful women to take advantage of the me-too movement. I am female.
261
Thank you! There isn’t a woman in this country who hasn’t encountered some form of sexual harassment. The #metoo movement is about stopping abuses of power. In this culture that often equates to men harming women. But not always. To say that women are always the victims is sexist and harmful. Girls need to be taught to be powerful on their own and not solely as the victims. When women (everyone really) find themselves in uncomfortable situations they need to have the courage to talk about it in direct and self confident ways not just go to the court of public opinion and start a smear campaign.
That victims need to be believed without proof is one of the more upsetting things I’ve heard. Accusers and accused both get equal protection under the law. We cannot throw out due process. Culturally men have been trained to react to problems with anger and women with manipulation both of these responses are dangerous and hurtful. Until we can look at gender roles as a whole and come together as a society of equals (equally strong, flawed and capable of harming each other) the #metoo movement will fail. It will remain a case of he said she said.
8
It’s possible we are seeing the me-too movement crest and break. Expanding the net from sexual predation to relationships between adults who just aren’t functional together is dubious, indeed. Aside from allegations, there is little substantiating the claims put forth by Ms. Monahan. All rise, as the court of public opinion is now in session.
164
Many people are seriously hurt by lovers who claim to love them and claim to want an exclusive relationship but then cheat. People in this position used to sue for broken engagements and "alienation of affection". Sometimes significant assets change hands under false pretenses and it is common for people to make career decisions based on representations of an engagement.
A woman was recently convicted and sent to jail for encouraging her boyfriend to commit suicide. Why wouldn't there be some accountability for men who lie to women? If you told a business that you would invest but had no intention of doing so, the business could sue. Why should a woman who has been told by the man that he will marry her and is exclusive to her have no ability to get any compensation when a business in the same position can get compensation? The legal situation now allows men to "lie with impunity" even when the results damage the woman financially as well as emotionally.
4
@Kay
This has gone totally off the rails. Why is it that when a woman gets her feelings hurt, a man has to be guilty of something and suffer some consequence? Relationships end. People get their feelings hurt. Welcome to adult life.
50
@Kay: if you fear men taking advantage of your emotions and financial investment, then there is a simple solution: refuse significant emotional and financial attachment until marriage. That will solve your problem and give you the legal standing you clearly want.
Actually, I believe we do want and need a level of commitment that only comes through marriage. Perhaps your mistake has been to settle for too little and have therefore wasted your capital on those who are not really interested in you.
As for this AG, the case against him seems weak based on this article. All claims should be heard, but not all should be acted upon. He has done well not to stoop to her level in public. Perhaps he could try to put things right with his wife.
7
@J.C. I'm talking about when a man tells a woman that he is single and available when really he is married or engaged. Why is that any different then telling a worker that they have a job and then telling them that they hired someone else after she quit her other job and moved?
There are two people in a relationship.Emotional abuse can he administered by women as well as a man.Alot of these stories seem imply the nice women was just standing there as her abusive partnered reined down on her.Anybody who has been in a long term relationship knows emotional and physical abuse can be perpetrated by both sexes.I wish some of these stories would start reflecting both sides to the story.
25
@robert conger
This article does present both sides. We have got to emphasize reading comprehension in our schools. Geez.
1
@robert conger
Seriously???!! You wish that some of these stories would start reflecting both sides.
Whatever does this article do if not exactly that?
Ever read Madame Bovary? Great Expectations? There are thousands of stories that evidence emotional abuse by a woman.
Like most adamant #MeToo feminist supporters I think this woman's claims are nonsense and have nothing to do with #MeToo and everything to do with an emotionally immature woman in a bad breakup.
But the idea that women have been historically considered blameless is so beyond idiotic I had to reply. In fact, even when they are rape victims, women have historically often been the only ones blamed, as having asked for it, etc, etc, etc. Oh, except if it was a white woman accusing a black man in the South. Then of course the black man was guilty even if the white woman had seduced him.
BTW, I am a very feminist white woman attorney, just to give some context to my comment.
4
I almost needed a flow chart to keep track of the various women Congressman Ellison has been involved with in the past decade. One wonders when he finds the time to do his job.
34
@GMC Let me know once you finished the flow chart for Trump.
19
@GMC No, you didn’t “almost need a flow chart.” Ellison was married, got divorced and dated just like millions of other people. As for the effects on his ability to do his jobs, it seems more likely that his commitment to his job has interfered with his personal relationships than the other way around. He is by all accounts a highly effective legislator and will likely make an excellent state Attorney General.
19
@abo Not talking about Trump here. Stay on topic, if you can.
2
There is no definition for "emotional abuse". I recall telling students facts about evolution, which is my job as a professor, and they told me I was engaging in "emotional abuse".
136
@Dan Styer
The students' complaint was indeed ridiculous, but it is incorrect to state that there is no definition of 'emotional abuse' or to imply the phrase is something frivolous in general. The UK has laws under which some types of emotional abuse are a crime. If anything, the US needs to catch up to that and the legal definition needs to be expanded.
1
Why stay in an allegedly abusive relationship? This guy might be callous, but that does not constitute abuse. This illustrates that the only safe politicians today are female.
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@William Stuber
It's the power that corrupts, not just the gender.
Mental illness is pretty evenly distributed.
3
@William Stuber
I assume you mean that the only politicians whose jobs are safe are the women and not that men aren't safe enough to hold office?
@Lawrence Well said!
"When Keith Ellison became the first Muslim elected to Congress in 2006, it made him an instant national star: a charismatic young black leader who was now a symbol of the Democratic Party’s commitment to diversity and equal rights."
And there's the set up right in the first sentence.
First Muslim, charismatic young black leader, symbol of diversity and equal rights.
Certainly both deserve due process and not trial by media but those kind of glowing words tip the bias scale already to give Mr. Ellison a pass on his alleged behavior. If you check the right boxes publicly, you can behave as you like privately?
Have leftists learned nothing from the damage caused by the enabling of Harvey Weinstein?
48
@CNNNNC. Interesting. You call it his "alleged behavior" as you try and convict him. In my reading, women like this are damaging to @MeToo...a necessary and vital movement.
8
@CNNNNC or does it set him up for a flogging by bigoted right wing nuts?
7
Two things can be true. He can be a bad boyfriend and he may not have physically abused her. I think she has a lot of issues going on and that he may be a womanizer. Doesn't sound like a #MeToo moment.
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@Ann
He is a man and there is a woman somewhere who doesn't like him. How is that not the core of the #MeToo movement?
2
The last paragraph of this story is remarkable, regarding lumping together actual cases of rape, abuse and mistreatment with relationships that just went sour. From Melody Hoffmann, a feminist activist:
“Unfortunately, this wave of women being believed is so new, we haven’t figured out how to nuance it,” she said. But if that was the cost of the public reckoning about the abuse of women, she said, it was worth it.
Wow. So facts don't matter. It's just nuance, and if you unfairly ruin a few lives of falsely accused people along the way, then that's okay. Ms. Hoffman should be ashamed. Perhaps some day she will be accused of a misdeed, and she can just go away and crawl under a rock, regardless of the facts.
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@limn Agreed. Dirty laundry isn't nuanced. That people can't distinguish between rape, workplace sexual harassment, and low points in a relationship is depressing.
18
@limn
I thought this sentence was stunning:
"She said she had never seen Mr. Ellison be abusive, although she was hurt by his sudden change of heart."
Look how smoothly the idea of abuse and disappointment at being dumped get linked with the simple and poorly-chosen word "although".
7
@limn I very much agree. That stopped me in my tracks. How can that be the last paragraph of this story -- a free pass and black check to destroy good people because villains like Trump get away with it. Random scapegoating. Read Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" if you want to know where that will take us.
1
Relationships often end in darkness and pain.
But to me, the real abuse here is making public a private struggle to break up and move on, and the press, by making this somehow a rightful topic for discussion, is coming pretty close to setting the standard for abuse of personal privacy.
Maybe American law needs to be changed so that the press cannot "print" personal details of a life that are not part of a court record, and even then, not until certain standards of criminality are met.
Enough already with this tell all abuse of private lives. I would write that if it were about George W. Bush or even Trump.
Hugh
105
@Hugh Massengill
I would err on the side of transparency. I don't remember who wrote this, but I find it a good principle: "Live in such a way that you'd have nothing to worry about if your talking parrot escaped to the house of the biggest gossip in town."
2
Me Too has performed a public service, but I hope it will not give license to constant exposure of all the messy intimate details of private relationships gone sour, which is what this story sounds like.
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