I’m sure that liberals will pack your art house cinema feature.
Meantime, down the street, middle America packs the mall cinema to see a competing film. A flawed but disruptive leader, with the courage to stand up to the smug and self-serving political and media establishment, rebuilds American prosperity piece-by-piece.
And it works. Suddenly people have jobs. Fewer are on government aid programs. Retirement account balances are up. The Fed normalizes. We fight back against rarely-spoken of trade tariffs against us. We push back against Chinese trade aggression and intellectual property theft. We label Iran as an enemy, and Israel as a friend.
Meantime, the liberals who scorned the flawed leader when he said he might not accept the election results are, two years later, not accepting the election results.
I know which film I’ll be seeing.
Harvey Weinstein will be the only guy willing to produce this.
4
Got the lead character all wrong. Get the late John Cazale, Fredo, from Godfather. Size is wrong, he’s 150 lbs. too light, but the character fits. He’s weak and frightened but tries to act tough like his heroes. He turns on his closest people when he feels hurt and betrayed. He gets jobs he doesn’t deserve or can carry out, and messes up terribly. He goes for beautiful women to make himself feel better but it never works. In the end, his people feel they have to “dump” him to protect themselves, but he never sees it coming. Liam is all wrong; to strong, decisive, has a moral compass, acts rather than tweets.
5
It won't sell, no one would ever believe it, it is just too over the top to be believable.
7
Gail and readers, don't you think maybe Trump suffers from dyslexia? Never reading a newspaper, just watching Fox news. Never handling a memo of more than one page and unknown if he reads those. If this is the case, I don't think he is stupid, just ignorant, as well as having other flaws involving personality and character.
2
Clever. Funny. Sadly true.
9
Maybe it’s time to accept that America is morally bankrupt. Fix that, not Trump or his Whitehouse.
4
Peter Lorre plays Stephen Miller. The role of a lifetime
6
I've never read a piece that generated more interesting COMMENTS than this one by Gail Collins. Cheers to the author for creating a whole new generation of incipient screenwriters!
2
Alexander Harrison iterates and reiterates the same criticism he has leveled at Ms. Collins in previously published comments, that her attempts at humor go up like a lead balloon, fall flat because she is so partisan,anti Trump, as if the man who has done so much good for the country merited being the subject of endless mockery. In making fun of President Trump, Ms. Collins is also making fun of us who cast ballots for The Donald.Why is it that late William Safire, whose talent is greatly missed, could call HRC a "congenital liar" and not make it appear vicious, but almost humorous. What is the qualitative difference between Safire, Russell Baker and the author which made them so readable, delightful to read , and Ms. Collins who seems heavy handed? Perhaps because she is overtly pushing a point of view, and they were writing for our edification and entertainment.GS was great when she wrote for, I believe, Newsday:very funny!But since joining the Times newspaper, she has become in her own way preachy, snide, and has lost my sympathy and my incentive to read her is almost zero!Should Warren ,with her bogus claim to Indian blood in order to land a job at Harvard, or HRC with her hard drives being destroyed with a hammer in someone's bathroom also be fit subjects of humor?Advice to author: go easy on the proselytizing, its not funny!
2
Sounds like you made a mashup of “Manchurian Candidate”, “House of Cards” and “All the President’s Men” in a “Twilight Zone” episode. Needs some work but you’re on to something here.
6
Gail, might you suggest also to Charlotte and Fred an opening shot of the film’s title “Make America Great Again,” on a red cap sitting atop the U.S. Capitol dome, smoke stacks spewing black smoke in the background, and a soft puppet quartet of Mitch McConnell, Clarence Thomas, Paul Ryan, and Ben Carson singing “America the Beautiful,” or “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” Oh yeah, throw in a shot of Bernie Sanders directing a group of homeless families singing, “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” and the ending credits rolling by to Mariachi music and a uncharacteristically gleaming Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her father dancing with a group of immigrant children. Now that truly would be not only absurd but very funny!
Thank you, Gail.
10
I find it hard to believe that I've got two cousins who adore Donald Trump. One spent a good part of his career volunteering in a social group that invited diversity, or so I thought; the other is so bitter at Hillary Clinton, calling her "Killary", because several of his "buddies" were killed in Benghazi. They still believe Donald Trump is the greatest. How did he woo these men?
12
@bnc The problem is the Democrats do not offer a middle-of-the-spectrum platform that borrows from some of the Trump agenda(the left-behind manufacturing lower middle class,) without the abhorrent personal aspects, a little more brain power regarding foreign involvement (recognize allies and opponents,) the economy and taxes while still protecting the environment, worker safety, being vocally against racism, for free trade, etc.. There's no apparent recognition that any of the concerns of the Trump base are valid. So they're still in his corner because they see no alternative.
Charlotte and Fred, I'll take the manuscript as it is, unedited. Please call me at your earliest opportunity. My private cell # is 888-555-LIAR. $5M cash. David P.
8
Kathy Bates has to play Sarah Huckabee Sanders
50
Funny, but not really- the Russians got what they wanted- chaos and mayhem
3
No. Not Cathy Bates. Sarah must be played by Miss Piggy!
2
Makes Kevin Spaceys character look like a rank amateur and that’s hard to do!
6
@LaMonte Cherrick Makes Richard Nixon look like
an angel.
1
Maybe work it as a Duck Soup sequel. For authenticity, toss in the line: "Trumpavelli, you've got the mind of a four year old child, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
7
Also, Chico’s line. “Who you gonna believe? Me or your lying eyes?”
2
Hilarious. One of your best!
4
It will be an actual movie someday, hopefully soon. It will along the lines of "The Death of Stalin" and we will all laugh as we cry.
3
A mark of a stable, balanced person is that he/she has a good sense of humour; including the ability to laugh at and make fun of one's self. Sometimes this gets more laughs than anything else; when the joke's on us.
So I got to thinking in a light-hearted fashion of ole Don reading Gail's spirited all-too funny take down of his motley crew and their latest perdicaments.
I reflected only briefly on the likelihood of a little mirth in the countance of an amused head of state in his beleaguered garrison.
Then I realized that he would be overcome with hatred and envy that he was the object of all this fun, misery, and sadness.
And then I remembered he doesn't read. So only we can. cry, and suffer his unfortunate character,
Might be that Don would be willing to play himself in the movie "All the President's Con Men".
Really it's been an act all along and we've been taken for the ride. Last act in the works it seems.
Please vote for justice in November.
9
I would love to see some major 'camp' in this movie. You know, with Giuliani dressed up as Baby Jane Hudson and trump as his (her) sister Blanche Hudson and Rudy/Baby Jane keeps on declaring, over and over: "But YOU"RE the sick one, Blanche, YOU'RE the one who needs the doctor, Blanche"!. trump/Blanche, in a furious tizzy, falls from the wheelchair and succumbs.Fade out.The end.
12
Bravo! Bravo! Author! Author! Encore! Encore!
2
we forgot the giant cast of supporting characters: The working-class dipsh!ts that voted for this buffoon. They don't care about his scandals. They like it. The love it. He really COULD go shoot someone on 5th Avenue. And get rave reviews! Of course, it helps that there are no repercussions. Not one. There are literally no honorable Republicans in the senate willing to hold him accountable. None. Not one. Even the ones he insulted. Whose parents he's insulted. Whose war service. It's not a movie. It's a nightmare.
8
They don't call I'm out because they know he is crazy and he would just get more manic.
This was not scripted. This was improvisational tragedy.
3
The White House needs more than a rewrite.
It needs recastng of the characters.
4
I'm like to relate here what is going on in Australian politics at the moment, so you Americans can feel a little better about your own political scene:
Okay, so our conservative government is going to sack its leader today! (This will be the fourth time our ruling party has deposed a prime minister in just eight years!) They are doing this because the right of the party think he has been moving it to the left, when in actual fact he just hasn't been moving it to the right as fast as they would like!
They are doing this because they resent that it is losing support to a further-right minor party and they think if their leader is one of them it'll win this support back. This is despite the fact that we have preferential voting in Australia, which means votes for that minor party would usually end up counting as votes for them in the end anyway!
AND voting is compulsory in Australia and it is swinging voters in the centre who decide who wins our elections!
AND opinion polls since it first won office - and the last election when it only won by only one seat - clearly indicate that the general Australian public has been disappointed it hasn't moved noticeably to the left under its present centrist leader!
So it looks like they will vote today for it to lose in a massive landslide at the next election due before May next year!
And did I mention their preferred leader has been polled as having only 3% support as their preferred leader amongst the general Australian public?
9
First laugh I've ever had about this presidency. Thanks, Gail!
21
What, you’re not laughing All The Time?!?? Followed quickly by crying :/
2
This is exactly the reason why Tom Wolfe (may he rest in peace) gave up writing satire - that reality was superseding anything he could come up with.
Leave it to Donald Trump though to come up with the ultimate in 'reality' TV. May the Lord have mercy on us all.
4
If Bob Odenkirk doesn’t play the legal fixer, I won’t see it!
5
There's got to be a part for Sacha Baron Cohen in here somewhere.
Or maybe several. I can see him as Trump being interviewed by Hannity about Giuliani, as explained by Huckabee.
4
I do not believe a word of this script!
2
Opening Credits: Voice of FLOTUS giving a speech on cyber-bullying with visual of POTUS tweets.
11
As has been stated, with all of the late night comics off this week, GAIL SAVED US! Priceless.
6
Hope you've got a part for our Miss Betsie. The guns allocated to teachers would be fun, especially where the high school teacher catches the school scamps breaking into the gun lockers. All sorts of mischief can result with a scene looking like one of those Apple store heists. Should keep them (whoever "they" are) interested.
12
I am fascinated that the gritty episode of Manafort farming out his wife for multiple sex has been censored. Seems since Trump is eager to compliment M's family, his family ethics should be a serious question, not something to be deleted.
https://twitter.com/laurenwern/status/1008775748163899392
Seems, though this is ultimately scriptworthy, the NYT can't handle the truth if it's too dirty.
1
Brilliant and hilarious. As we've been saying for a couple of years now, you can't make this stuff up. But there it is. It sounds completely made up but is all true.
2
Ah yes--reminds me of Dr. Brown (Christopher Lloyd) in the 1950's setting of "Back to the Future" laughing uncontrollably about the notion that a B-list western actor would, in the 1980's, be president of the United States.
Those were simpler times...
7
Gail, thanks so much for a very funny column. I’m on Oahu, awaiting the approach of Hurricane Lane, and this was just the laugh I needed. Keep writing. Your humor is just what we need to get through this absurd moment in our history.
3
Of course there are python-skin coats; probably the best thing to do with a dead python, and an aid to the Everglades as well. The hardest part of casting would be casting the media; those with only one side are notoriously hard to photograph.
1
They already made this movie. It's called Idiocracy. I think the choice of a muscle bound ex-wrestler president was much better than a washed up reality TV star, but there you have the thin difference between a dystopian comedy movie and America today.
9
This was so funny I reread it.
I wish it could be published in our Trump-friendly local newspaper. Sadly, most readers wouldn't get past the title. But they'd love it.
7
Great Gail.
I also think the bit where not only is his wife an immigrant, his in-laws become naturalized citizens through chain-migration while all the while he's yelling about how bad chain migration is. Certainly going to be hard to get anybody to believe that part.
10
@Bill White
And Melania's sister is living in the US as well. Don't know if she is a citizen yet.
1
Marvelous, Gail! A classic piece of brilliant satire.
It's just too bad that it wasn't just a movie or TV show. Most of us would gladly trade The West Wing with President Bartlett for Presidency Apprentice with Don the Con Trump!
7
This plot is never going to work. Before the first rehearsal the illegitimate president gassed up his plane and defected to Russia where there is no extradition. Then his friend Putin stole all his money (he really had a couple million). Then Putin put him in jail because it is against the law to be poor in Russia. But it could have had a happy ending with the trophy wife marrying the president's arch nemesis Jeff Bezos!
7
"The cheery Republican House leaders who ignore everything that’s going on ... " Reminds me of a column by humorist Dave Barry, excerpts below. Speaker Ryan in particular comes to mind.
Dave Barry — Jul 18th, 1999
I watched the wrestling matches from a seat right next to the commissioner of Florida Championship Wrestling, Bernie Siegel. It is Commissioner Siegel's job to monitor the sport closely for cheating and impose stiff punishments on wrongdoers. "I haven't had an eye exam in years," he told me. ... a wrestler ... kicked his opponent in a very sensitive masculine region. "Did you see that?" I asked Commissioner Siegel. "See what?" he answered. In the next match, a wrestler thumbed his opponent in the eye, yanked on his hair, and then choked him for approximately five minutes ... "These are world-class athletes," observed Commissioner Siegel. ... Tony Apollo ... climbed into the ring and whacked Lane over the head from behind with his crutch. "I didn't see anything there," said Commissioner Siegel, before I even asked him. "We've had people get their eyes gouged out," observed Commissioner Siegel, adding, "They become referees." "It looks like he's slipping a chair into the ring," I said. "I'll have to check the tape on that," said Commissioner Siegel. "Is he allowed to hit him with the flagpole?" I asked. "He hit him with the flagpole?" responded Commissioner Siegel.
3
Gail Collins is always spot on with her commentary, but let's face it - this one is THE BEST ONE EVER!! Nailed it, Gail.
13
Gail, your insistence that the human world should be logical is intolerable! Desist now - or I'll get the Russians to troll you on Facebook!
(In other words: very funny - well done! Cheers.)
5
Meanwhile, Mike Pence plays the part of the street musician who everyone gives money to just to make him stop.
9
Thank you, Gail Collins! Hey, Liam Nesson, please start ordering
a nightly dessert--two scoops of ice cream on the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake. You'll be ready for the cameras in no time.
6
"The White House needs a rewrite."
No, no rewrite. Just cancel the Trump show asap.
11
The trouble is...its not so funny.
8
I've got some notes on the interaction between this investigator guy, Mueller, and the president. Who wrote this dialogue? I mean, come on... I get that he's supposed to be the consummate professional, but no one is that disciplined.
I've read the script from cover to cover and this Mueller character literally doesn't say a word. Isn't it supposed to be some kind of epic battle between the main characters? The audience is not going to believe that Mueller would let himself be continually slandered by Trump and his gang pretty much everyday for over a year and not say a WORD about it. That's insane. And speaking of insane, is Trump supposed to be corrupt or completely out of his mind? Why would anyone just keep screaming insults into the void?
In fact, as written, why do we even need anyone to play the part? I'm not paying Sam Watterson millions to appear on screen for all of ten seconds going into a courthouses!
And this had better not be some M. Night Shyamalan angle where it turns out Mueller was actually just a manifestation of Trump's guilty conscience; that Trump couldn't get rid of Mueller because he IS Mueller. That's played out. #whatatwist
Oh and... seriously... what's this "Steve Miller" character about? Is he supposed to be one of the Boys from Brazil or what? And his character is only 33 yrs old! Why is he speaking like Strom Thurmond's ill-tempered grandfather? Write him some human dialogue or let's just strike the character please.
134
@Matt oh, you are good
1
@Matt: As Alexander Harrison has noted in what he hopes will be a published comment on Ms. Collins's sense of humor or lack thereof,I can understand the comic effect that you are trying to achieve, but it's not coming off that way!If humor is biased, it is no longer humor! Have you never questioned Collins's choice of subjects to be mocked, and do you not think that DWS's efforts to rig the primaries in HRC'S favor, or her failed attempts to succeed in politics when she is simply not made for the political arena equally risible?During the 2016 campaign HRC's average crowd size seldomj exceeded 350 slightly bored onlookers, and how many of them were her own staff!Trump drew upwards of 10,000, had no ground game to speak of, but beat HRC in a landslide. What does that tell you?
Absolutely one of your best, Gail. Thanks!
7
I’m already bored; we covered this yesterday.
1
Don't forget the bit where he insults a war hero Senator from his own party, whose dying of cancer. No will ever buy that detail either...
14
Sense of humor is what'll save us with this creepy clown. You recall those horror movie puppets with Putin now cast as the ventriloquist? So who's laughing?
3
Maybe we should name it "Lost in Space Farce (sic)!!".
3
Too soon! America needs not be reminded of this sad reality show for a while, considering the stripper and the wife are the only lovable characters.
With scripted reality shows, at least you can change channel if you don't like that. With this, real lives are destroyed and repercussions still unfolding for a long time to come.
Too much, too soon
2
Truth is stranger than fiction, even when truth isn't truth and there are alternative truths. If America does not not survive and is not not unseriously damaged by Trump, we can laugh about it with relish.
7
Fred Willard for the main role as president,sorry. And,God rest his soul,Jerry Stiller would have nailed Rudy. Coryell is perfect for Cohen. Thanks for the laughs,Ms. Collins. Since Albee is no longer with us, hand this off to the Coen Brothers.
100
@Tim Lynch
Jerry Stiller is still with us. His wife, Anne Meara passed away a few years ago. I agree on the Coen brothers producing & directing.
7
@Tim Lynch isn’t Jerry Stiller still with us?
@MK
Oh,geeze! That was a bad mistake on my part!
When you put it like this, the plot is worse than the sleaziest soap opera.
After all, it doesn't even mention the former national security advisor who plead guilty nor some other supporting characters within the first year of the presidency.
I suppose that we can only strain credibility so far before people tune out and skip the show.
9
Trumpnado ? But please lets not do Trumpnado 2
5
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. And she didn't make up a word of it! I cannot stop laughing out loud.
Bravo, Ms. Collins!
17
I’ll bet 47 screen writers have torn this out of the NYT, put it on their desk next to the laptop, and are now hammering out a screenplay, knowing time is against them. And it is. Even if they turn the script out in four weeks, get a producer that can raise the bucks, hire Mike Nichols to direct it--well, by then they're past the mid-terms, so when the script moves to production the impeachment hearings will be finished, and by then so is trumpet. Sad. But hold on. The writer could end the movie with trumpet finding four crazy or senile retired generals and organizing his delusional parade of tanks up the Mall toward the Capitol Building. When he is perceived as fatally wounded the world will crowd around him, like Brutus and Cassius, to taste his blood. Ridicule will be the coup de grace. Final scene: we’d need some extended event to symbolize his hardcore base becoming irrelevant. Yes, that would work.
Seriously. Somebody take this on. This is a freaking Academy Award for writer, actors, director, producer, and Best Picture.
3
Don't worry...it's all in the plan to destroy western civilization.....think it's not going to happen?
3
Who will play the smarmy Harvard shyster who asserts that hush money payments are a commonplace activity of honest trustworthy people conducting legal activities?
15
This would never be viable as a movie, even a made-for-TV format. Who is the audience? One has the attention span of a Tweet. Another would be asked to suspend incredulity beyond the point at which it becomes painful. One cannot enjoy a bucket of popcorn while the gut is wrenching. I could only see this theme work as a half hour episode of Twilight Zone, and that with several commercial, breaks.
3
Thank you, Ms. Collins. You have a rare knack for being able to clarify this insane world with gentle humor. There is not enough gentleness in this insane world.
6
This script would make a great comedy sequel to The Producers, after all he never really wanted to be pres and didnt expect it, now he must be very sorry.
Someone is sure to do this one!
6
Superb! Inspired! Gail, we need your sense of humor and perspective; otherwise, we might be so stressed that all of our hair and teeth would fall out. Most of us are REALLY concerned about what the sociopath is doing to our country. Maybe we need to exhume the guy who thought up the 'balance of powers' idea and get him to beef it up a bit.
3
Perfect illustration of why even those of us who hate Trump love the unfolding drama that was his candidacy and is his presidency. Good to know that Republican as well as Democratic presidents are frustrated in their inability hide their sexual-political indiscretions. All thanks to our Free Press and independent legal processes.
3
You are a JOY, dear one.
Since Trump's election, I have proclaimed that no novelist, playwright, librettist, poet, or anyone who makes a living creating fiction, could ever succeed with a character like Trump. The public could never imagine such a man. He is simply beyond belief! Even Mork is more believable. And yet............. . . . . . ?
3
This sounds like House of Cards. Oh, excuse me. I forgot, we are living the House of Cards dream. Corruption at the highest levels.
3
Good one, Gail. Right on target. If we can't find a bit of humor in this situation, what's to become of us?
4
Sure, I'd walk out with the opening credits. Where's the exit?
4
Your movie lacks a couple of scenes that Idiocracy portrayed in the future: a lawyer bought his law degree from Costco, there was an above ground pool on the White House lawn and crops failed because they were watered with gator aid. It was entertaining while your drama kind of painful.
4
Ms. Collins, I normally agree with everything you say however, with this column I believe that you have gone too far and unfairly maligned Danny DeVito. To imply that Mr. DeVito in any way resembles the clownish thug Michael Cohen does him a grave disservice. Perhaps you are mistaking Mr. DeVito with his alter-ego Louie DePalma, formerly of the Sunshine Cab Company. I often caution my friends not to judge an actor’s character by that of his roles. I would think that the role of Michael Cohen would more fittingly be offered to Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson or perhaps Kevin Spacey.
Thank you for listening.
3
She actually had Devito as Giuliani.
2
@Robert
Right.
I was thinking though that Danny DeVito might be better in the Cohen role. I guess that's because the characters DeVito plays often have some redeeming qualities (Louie dePalma for example) despite the obvious faults that make you want to sympathize with him.
I see that in Cohen, but not in Giuliani.
1
Gail -
Can you also urge them to work in the latest lawsuit filed against the lead for encouraging his supporters to beat up on protestors at his campaign rally? The pugilistic image that would be nicely captured by an overweight Liam Neeson needs some details to uh, flesh it out a bit.
1
Wow. Gail can't write a column now without visciously attacking the women on the other side? This is part of why feminism has about died - it was sold to a political party and hauled out to their back pasture to just sit there and be ignored for eight years at a stretch.
Donald Trump has an even smaller chance of being in trouble thanks to Cohen than John Edwards was a decade ago.
It's legal to pay folks to keep stuff quiet - look at the thirty-odd million Barack Obama is spending to keep the things his people did in the West Wing out of the public's right to know.
Dear Gail, This is one of your most unforgettable columns from the FNNYT ("Fake News!" h/t Trump). Your exquisite scenario this morning about our American White House catastrophe grade B movie needing a rewrite is the essence of truth. Notwithstanding that the President's own demented personal New York City lawyer has avowed to the world that "Truth isn't truth!".
Lordamighty, how do we get out of the dystopian and chaotic present we are all living in now? We shudder with fear at the possibility of our next American president being Mike Pence. We are sick of the word "collusion", repeated ad infinitum by this poorly educated President who likes big words and is a "very, very smart person". Gail, please continue to help your choir understand how we can live in this execrable made-for-TV movie that none of us wants to watch, witness or attend.
3
What would be do without your brilliant wit, Gail! As always, thank you!
7
The Trump presidency has been a bad joke from the beginning. Alec Baldwin has to star in Gail’s dark comedy. Unfortunately a Trump movie will bomb. Most of the public wishes that Trump would just go away. His reality show should be cancelled immediately.
3
In "The Wasps" Aristophanes pokes fun at the Athenian demagogue, Cleon, an unscrupulous bourgeoisie who was surrounded by sycophants.
Cleon was so incensed he tried to have Aristophanes arrested.
Aristophanes responded by writing at least 2 more plays making fun of Cleon.
I understand that ancient Greek had no word for satire so these plays were considered comedies.
Keep up the good work, I'm sure Aristophanes would approve.
2
The perfect ending for actor playing Donald Trump (that can be as difficult as finding a law firm that is willing to represent the president), should be, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my closeup.”
1
The last line of this piece should have been, "With apologies to those typecast."
I greatly appreciated Gail sorting out for me, in a way I could fathom, what is going in our political world - thank you.
1
Great story line, Gail, but will it play in Peoria?
3
We're already watching/living the screenplays for "All the President's Men" meets "The Godfather" meets "Citizen Kane." http://www.thegamesmenplay.com/blog/2018/8/22/all-the-presidents-henchmen
Those are our "comps," as they say in publishing.
Pretty good, but for the First Lady, it has to be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She could make her joke about being a housekeeper. When she splits with POTUS, he gives her half the White House as part of the divorce settlement.
3
I hope the sequel is set in a federal prison.
8
Gail, be sure to get this into the hands of Mr. Ianucci who capitalized bigly on "Veep" and more recently "The Death of Stalin." Unbelievable? Sure it is? But wow what a mini series it would make.
1
Reminds me of the insane goings-on in "The Death of Stalin." Maybe call it "The Death of Democracy"?
1
It's just a really good thing for our Nation and our Democracy that the koch bothers and Putin didn't find their reality show star with a brain. Russians call the Americans they buy and sell "useful idiots". I'm betting that Putin is seeing he only got the idiot part, not the useful part. I'm also betting he would like his money back.
We have a chance to save ourselves from the fascism that has been growing in the shadows and the ditches here in the U.S. because t rump is the only possible culmination of 60 years of republicans plotting their coup on democratic principles and decency with their dog whistles and wink winks of racism and misogyny.
But to make that chance a reality We the People must get out and vote in numbers that will overwhelm the obstacles.
2
I know the ending I want.
The whole extended family are seen climbing the stairs of a Boeing B777-300ER.
Donald at the top of the stairs.
Melania with Baron standing between her and Colin Kaepernick are seen on the tarmac waving good by.
As it lifts off we see the Aeroflot logo.
3
If only this were a movie and we could all enjoy a few laughs and then walk out of the theater. Unfortunately, we can’t walk out on this horror show.
4
It’s very funny, Gail, but you could never sell it in Hollywood. They would think you’ve lost your mind. Maybe the Republicans will buy the script and bury it in the garden at Mar-a-Lago. Hahahaha.
1
Wonderful column, Gail-- one of your best. Authentic and-- sadly-- immensely funny in every "hit."
3
I'm thinking a couple of "Weekend at Bernie's" characters for Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader would reflect the reality of the current situation.
4
@TR Sasha Barron Cohen and Michael Cohen. its a drop in.
Tom Hanks playing Forest Gump for Jeff Sessions.
Jim Parsons as Jared Kushner.
3
Mark Twain said that "the main difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to be credible'.
27
Hate to pop the humor bubble even though it is biting sarcasm. The next year of the video series is how the President dissolves the Constitution and appoints himself King. Ha ha, unbelievable plot.
But Nazi Germany and Hitler really, really did happen! Hitler's drooling sycophants let him get away with gassing millions of Jews.
"That's not fair," you say "Trump hasn't done anything even approaching that level of evil -- yet. But it really happened with the blessing of Hitler's nationalistic followers. And it took Hitler several years to lower himself to that status of egregious behavior. Is Trump capable of it? Only when his followers cheer. And they do cheer the tearing of babies from their mothers with absolutely no intention of maintaining documentation to make it possible to re-unite them. Yes he is capable of it!
Time to shut down King or Emperor or Dictator Trump while we still have some vestige of Democracy left.
25
@dpaqcluck, Trump cheers on people who march with tiki torches and assault weapons, chanting "Jews will not replace us", as fine upstanding citizens.
5
@dpaqcluck
Not to worry, Congress is making plans to move "President Windrip" to Europe on a "speaking engagement", then the rest will play out as it did in the book.
Already scripted and in production.
Page One rewrite!
4
I've always said that, you couldn't write what goes on with the Donald, in a script.
But, Gail has !
Well done..
F.
12
Trump does not need credits when congress is standing at the ready with Charmin TP. His can soil his underwear a million time and the GOP and Fox News will wipe his backside as clean as "clean coal" while whistling Dixie.
9
I think the opening scene should be of Trump in a Moscow hotel room with a couple of hookers.....
7
I can't wait for this movie. I bet it will have one of those funny clips after the credits so you have to sit there and wait until the very, very, very end with a very, very, very full bladder.
So when is it coming out? What? Wait...oh...
Never mind (in the voice of Emily Latilla)
2
I envision and opening scene in which the President stands in a Moscow hotel room with a couple of Russian prostitutes....
3
I’m sold, I’ll watch it! You could name it Sci-fi swamp.
Great colum, don’t let this success go to your head, please stay at the Times.
5
Dear Gail, laughing uncontrollably till I'm crying bitter tears at your White House movie scenario by Charlotte and Fred. This is one of your most unforgettable columns from the FNNYT ("Fake News!" h/t Trump). Your exquisite scenario this morning about our American White House needing a rewrite is the essence of truth. Notwithstanding that the President's own demented personal New York City lawyer has avowed to the world that "Truth isn't truth!".
Lordamighty, please save us from the dystopian and chaotic present we are all living in now! We shudder with alarm and excitement at the possibility of our American president projectile-vomiting on the next foreign leader he colludes with (as in "calloo, callay", not collusion as in the "Russian Connection No Collusion Witch Hunt !") Gail, please continue to help your choir understand how and why we are living in this incomprehensible grade B movie that none of us wants to watch, witness or attend.
We are waiting for the Deus ex Machina to descend on the Washington Swamp and remove not only our fake president and all of his henchmen and fixers from office, but also the destroyers of America's democracy who hold high offices in the Senate and the House. Please spare us (and your base) further indecencies, Mr. President! But if you don't -- may they be chronicled by Gail Collins, your Pepys. She's your truth-telling biographer par excellence!
4
I believe that seeing Trump as comic is furthering the disease. Trump is a buffoon but he is above all else a criminal acting with impunity.
1
TEN LITTLE WARLOCKS
Ten little warlocks thought that all was fine;
One himself did perjure and then there were nine.
Nine little warlocks believed that all was great;
One another ratted out and then there were eight.
Eight little warlocks next abandoned heaven;
One tumbled into hell and then there were seven.
Seven little warlocks pandered to some hicks;
One o’erpromised help to them and then there were six.
Six little warlocks were drinking in a dive;
One himself drank blotto and then there were five.
Five little warlocks a judge did go before;
One oh so guilty pled and then there were four.
Four little warlocks sought to cop a plea;
One on the others turned and then there were three.
Three little warlocks swam in swampy goo;
One sank beneath the gunk and then there were two.
Two little warlocks thought their trials won;
One was soon found guilty, though, and then there was one.
One little warlock, all his tweeting done,
Found himself o’ercome by fears and then there were none.
16
Don't forget to throw in a few classic mob movie quotes:
"You're gonna like this guy., Paulie "Suits". He's all right. Manafort's a good fella. He's one of us."
"Give Jared a living, but never discuss the family business with him."
"Cohen... you're nothing to me now. ...You're not a brother, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you, or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my White House. When you see the Special Counsel I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?"
Why didn't you say you worked for the President, Rudy? I thought you were just some cheap, two-bit hustler Fox News was running in trying to bluff me.
And of course:
"I’m smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb. I’m smart and I want respect from the failing NY Times."
2
This article reminds me of the stuff Chris Cillizza of CNN writes. https://splinternews.com/rip-chris-cillizza-owned-to-death-by-soledad-ob...
Me three years ago: “this screenplay is the most ludicrous, sophomoric nonsense I’ve ever read”.
Me today: “this screenplay is the most horrifying, depressing nonsense I’ve ever read”.
2
Bravo!
2
Gail, how could you have overlooked the recent rally where, as the President's legal problems swirl around him, he still manages to inspire a crowd to chant, "LOCK HER UP!!"
As Daffy Duck would say, "Ah--pronoun trouble!"
1
Come on Gail, give the show over to Shanda Rhimes. Let her work her magic on it and it will run for years.
1
Wake me up, please!
1
Collin's column proves one thing. We have a whole mess of brain dead people on the voting roles. Want to identify them? Follow Trump's campaign rally trips. Like the Pied Piper, he'll lead you straight to them.
3
Encore! Encore!
1
Don't know whether to laugh or cry -- mostly laugh hysterically :-) ...but Gail, it's the last use of the subjunctive in the English language..."If all this WERE just a movie."
5
Come on, Gail, Shonda Rhimes's Scandal was more believable than this crazy story you've concocted.
Hello Gail:
Thank you so much for this well crafted satire, during a week of law review for me. The funniest sentence for me, was
"Also, while we understand you’re going for laughs, we’re pretty sure there is no such thing as a python-skin coat."
As a "legalist" data specialist, I have vigorously kept up with all the legal developments, and it is clear that this train is just not going to stop.
To quote Jethro Tull - Locomotive Breathe, I think his lyrics are appropriate given the expanded number of criminal investigations of the Kid Trumps, other campaign aides, and the Russia investigation has not yet completed.
Locomotive Breath
"In the shuffling madess
of the locomotive breath,
runs the all-time loser,
headlong to his death.
He feels the piston scraping --
steam breaking on his brow --
old Charlie stole the handle and
the train won't stop going --
no way to slow down.
He sees his children jumping off
at the stations -- one by one.
....
He's crawling down the corridor
on his hands and knees --
old Charlie stole the handle and
the train won't stop going --
no way to slow down.
1
The lunatics are in charge of the asylum.
2
Gail Collins used to write funny ironic columns but now she's just reporting facts?
13
Give the rabbit to the President.
And think of all the spin-offs, Gail :
“Crazy, Rich Cabinet Members”
“The Spies who Loved Them”
“ Saving Paul Ryan”
“All About Steves” ( Bannon, Miller, Mnuchin)
“ D.C. Confidential”
“The Russian Connection”
“Slumlord Millionaire”
“Little, Little Big Men”
“Mueller’s List”
“Andrew McCabe and Mr. Miller”
etc. etc. etc.
23
“Moscow on the Potomac”
Note to Charlotte and Fred:
Ignore Gail Collins. Leave the script exactly as it is. Just start the movie with a late-night bedroom scene of an attractive black, married couple in their early 50s, lying in bed and wearing pajamas. They close the books they are reading, kiss goodnight, and shut off the lights. Camera focuses on husband’s face as he drifts off to sleep.
The script, exactly as you have written it, then begins. As it comes to an end, have the black husband suddenly sit up in bed and shout, ”No!No!” Sweat is pouring down his face down his face, and he turns to his wife, now awake, and he says, “In the morning, why don’t you give a call to check up on Hillary?”
12
The W.H. needs a rewrite, and a deep steam cleaning.
Our next president, the ascending Pence, who may have self flagellation in common with the albino character in the Da Vinci Code, which explains constant smile in Trumps presence, is already playing his part.
2
"Right now (Melania's) way too wooden, and nobody will believe that pair has had sex since Dick Cheney was in power."
Superb! In one sentence Gail slams the Prez, Mrs. Prez, and Beelzebub's lackey, Bush 43. Brevity really is the soul of wit.
8
I love you, Gail, but the verb should be "Were" (subjunctive mood) not "Was" in the headline.
I wish it were just a movie.
3
The subject matter is, of course, what matters most. But the Times frequently gets hoity-toity about grammar -- they're the ones who bring it up, often to mock others.
The Times has lectured more than once about the subjective tense. It applies when an unlikely conditional statement is posited. And where such a statement begins with "if" correct grammar requires use of the word "were" not "was."
The unlikely conditional statement here concerns Trump's shenanigans not being real, but just a movie. The Times has spoken down to those who say "if this was just a movie", when correct grammar calls for "if this WERE just a movie.
The error here is not only flagrant, but it appears in a prominent headline.
Those who keep track of the Times' errors in matters of greater importance -- like me- find a boatload of errors on a regular basis. And most of them are not grammatical or trivial.
If a basic grammatical error is front and center in a prominent Times headline, just think how much else they get wrong on a daily basis. Take this, for example, Ms. Collins purports to identify the many sleazebags in her pretend movie. But somehow a professional fornicator and a model who makes big money for showing her private parts --both of whom are seeking to exploit their self-degradation for every dollar they can get -- didn't make the cut.
1
We should be so lucky as to have 'him' walk out early in this movie. He would then always get top billing over Nixon. Maybe there is another milktoast like Gerald Ford who could just hold the reins until all the upset people and foreign leaders calm down.
Then we could all go back to watching football instead of the news. Fox News would have to hire Brent Musberger and he would never again have to call a game on TV. Even more fun would be a new plethora of soft porn click bait teasers on the net.
Movie
OMG, Gail This is it! Slam dunk for the Trump Prize for whatever.
1
Maybe I'm getting old, but all this feels like old news to me. Watergate, VietNam, Monica Lewinsky, the Pentagon Papers, Halliburton, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Blackwater, the S&L scandal, Wikileaks, Enron, AIG, Goldman Sachs, Iraq, Iran, the crash of 87 or was it 88, Grenada, Lehman Bros, the crash of 2008, Abu Ghraib, Monsanto, Shkreli, Huntington Life Sciences, Chernobyl, Gitmo...Trump is just the latest brain tumor in this recurring cancer. In all honesty, I am really only worried about the suffering of animals, the environment, the next financial meltdown, heatwaves, wars, brush fires, overpopulation, religious fanatics, and floods. The politicians all smell the same to me: looters, vandals, embezzlers, invaders, parasites spreading havoc all over the planet, the eternal vermin sucking the blood of the rest of humanity. And the journalists are parasites feeding on Trump. He is just so much great copy - the way Nixon's nose fed all those cartoonists, so many years ago.
1
Omg omg omg. Lol lol.
Thank you
Muffin ,morning coffee,and elation because trump going down .
This movie should be shelved until we have more dirt to use.
Soon,very soon.
4
“As to the women — we like the stripper. (Reese Witherspoon? Jennifer Aniston?) When she gets paid off to keep quiet about having sex with the about-to-be president, can you give her some special phrase we could feature in the promos? Like “Kazowie, Mr. Candidate!’ Or ‘Real leaders use condoms.’”
Yeah, cute suggestions. But how about,
“Hey man, here’s a magazine with your picture on the cover. I’m gonna roll it up and spank your bottom.”
Yeah, yeah, not credible ... sorry.
1
The man world of Humpty Trumpty
Hey Charlotte and Fred,
The West Wing series was so much more credible! Pres. Bartlett had his crises, and rose to the occasion. Sometimes there were more than one at a time. But your president has so many at once, what could your writer be smoking? As for checks and balances, with your wimpy congress, the only checks are written by your president to his paramours, and your president is unbalanced. How about a reprise of West Wing starring Allison Janey, morphing from the Press spokesperson into the country leader? She is far more credible as both a Press Secretary and President than either of your choices for those rolls [sic, roles].
1
It reminds me of Mel Brooks’ Producers great Broadway hit “Springtime for Hitler”!
1
Just silly. Must be August.
You lost me at "condom"! Requiste gear for anyone reaching across the aisle to engage a Republican colleague: wear surgical gloves and use lots of hand gel afterwards.
4
Or just rent the Manchurian Candidate
2
@David Meli
or the Mnuchin Candidate
5
Part 2:
“The Syndicate, Part 2”
Even though Boss D.C. denied it -and there’s tape of him getting into a plane, provided to him for use by the U.S of A. - there’s trouble brewing on that front.
Boss D.C. told a bunch of his minions and followers at a recent rally that he “ain’t goin’ down without a fight” because they “aint’ got nuttin’ on me and prove it” while telling the crowd he’s going to do whatever it takes to get their children back into the coal mines “where Americans like them are great. GREAT!” There’s even some promises of some new coal burning power plants to get back to the “good old days” of the 1940s.
But, Michael “Bulldog” Avenatti says “he’s goin’ down and we’re gonna go forward with bringin’ our case against Boss D.C. to trial because we can now subpoena him to testify under oath.”
Crime syndicate lawyer Rudy the Lip’s very concerned about this because “it’s a trap for the boss. Anything he says can be used against him.”
Meanwhile, the organization's been hard at work with their influence on making sure nothing will be done with the $380,000,000 to possibly stop interference of the Russian Gang as there is speculation both mob families are working together on some deals made while Boss D.C. and his son-in-law, Donnie the Lame and Daughter-Dream Wife Ivy amass fortunes for the family’s “business.”
- by Gary James
1
Danny Devito as Rudy The Garden Gnome Giuliani = Priceless
7
Hello, I don’t want this comment published but wanted to point out a grammatical error in the headline: instead of “was” (past tense), it should be “were” (subjunctive, hypothetical).
Compare “If I were a rich man” to “If I was a rich man.”
1
"were" Gail. Please.
1
Very good
1
...and scratch the part about kidnapped babies in cages and endorsing a Nazi march, I mean come on.
11
Arrrrrrrggggggggggg.
1
***** NC-17
Four words sum up this diatribe: I love you Gail!
4
Maybe The Academy can add the Gilded Narcissist award. Ratings would be yuge, and Trump could put the trophy on his golden toilet.
1
The End Times have begun... the Antichrist is on the earth. His name is Donald Trump.
6
Indeed truth is crazier than fiction. Thank you, Ms Collins, for bringing some laughters into our otherwise depressing situation of our current nation.
If only all this was just a movie.
2
Gail, it’s called Double Mumbo Jumbo Muddle. http://www.savethecat.com/todays-blog/double-mumbo-jumbo-muddle
Treason ain't funny!
1
Absolutely ridiculous. In the real world the
women would be paying off such a man to not say he had sex with them! You can only strain credibility so far.
222
The Trump WH has killed binge watching House of a Cards.
2
How about Roseannroseannadanna for Sarah Huckabee Sanders?
162
@L
Joe Pesci as Scaramouche
2
@L
She would be honored!
@L I would work diligently to recruit her to play herself.
1
yay!
3
Dear Ms. Collins:
Who are Charlotte and Fred?
Sleepy in Snohomish
The Trump show jumped the shark before it got on the air. It's like the tail end of "Jersey Shore" where the only story was which stupid lippy drunk would pick what stupid fight.
Because it was TV, viewers could ignore it if they chose to.
Unlike "Reality TV" the real world has real consequences, and all too often the working definition of reality is what comes and bites you when you pretend you can ignore it.
Trump is just starting to get a lesson in reality. So is the rest of America.
Netflix and Amazon Prime are always looking for new material. But this is not one of those "truth is stranger than fiction" pitches likely to get attention. This is just "truth is strange." It is not something that has entertainment potential.
Even in the worst movies, the dialogue usually makes some sense and adheres to grammatical rules. Not true with the lead here. So I'd say just go back and come up with an entirely new idea. I can't believe this will attract any viewers whatsoever.
1
Really, really wish that living in Trumpistan with Trump's thieving mob of Trumpsters was just a bad movie and the rest of us could all walk out. Even, better if Trump and his goons would all get on a slow moving leaky barge at Mar-a Lago and sail back to Putin's Kleptocristan where they all really belong.
3
One of Gail's best columns.
2
It is television malpractice that Saturday Night Live is on hiatus this summer. When you sign up to work on the most important news show on television, you give up your right to a vacation. The news doesn't take a break.
Give Gail Collins a television show. That way, the NY Times will get greater exposure to the rest of the American people.
12
Dear Ms. Collins,
Any good comedy writer knows you can’t parody a parody.
1
Oh come on. Nobody is going to believe that. Must be some third world country. Hmm...
4
@RPU - Elbonia from the Dilbert cartoon comes to mind.
How about a double-bill with The Manchurian Candidate ? Or the Caine Mutiny ?
3
Question: Is this bizarre script idea supposed to be a comedy or a tragedy? Very confusing.
I would add that some of the lines written for the President in this script are simply much too ridiculous. No American voters or Congress—even a Republican Congress—would tolerate such ignorance and coarse, vulgar language in an American president—some banana republic perhaps, but never in America.
For example, what kind of a President of the United States of America, the most powerful nation in the world, would say in public:
“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
“The point is, you can never be too greedy.”
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”
“Fake news is at an all time high. Where is their apology to me for all of the incorrect stories???”
“One of they key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.”
“Why can’t we use nuclear weapons?”
And there are lots more unbelievable lines at https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/entertainment/people/donald-trump-quotes-5...
Vote and throw this dreadful plot and script in the trash on November 6, 2018
5
...and as the credits roll, the theme music begins "...you say potato...." with the members of the house and senate coming in on the chorus...."let's call the whole thing off!" that's a rap.
4
Gail
Rep. Hunter and his wife spending $250 to fly their pet RABBIT to D.C. for a vacation is a gift with your name on it! I expect that in your column from now on. Finally, a replacement for Mitt Romney's Seamus!
5
Just a small suggestion about the $600 plane ticket for the warrior Congressman's pet rabbit. Make it warrior bunny.
3
@Mike T; "That rabbit is dynamite!" MP
.....would that the the little girl from Kansas wakes up and it was all a dream! Pay attention to the man behind the curtain and the flying foxes rushing to his defense- there is the twister that made this all possible..
3
You took out the parts about the HHS Secretary with the $37k dinibg table, and sound proof phone booth, and what about that EPA guy being shuttled around DC looking for toiletries at fancy hotels and shagging one of his helpers to find used mattresses at hotels. Oh yah, and the T Bill Secretary that flew a military jet to somewheres in Kentucky with his wife to watch the eclipse.
That's some good stuff but I know, just not believable.
6
Not funny. We're talking about a criminal madman.
1
Lol. You forgot to give the script to Harvey Weinstein's movie house!!
if all this WERE just a movie. subjunctive much? sheesh
1
Dear Gail, You should know that the script has already been written (give or take a few scenarios). It's been made into a real movie. It's called "Idiocracy."
2
This is a little clever, mostly snarky, and just the wrong note.
I know it's humor. It's just not funny. Our president is a bigoted, serial sexual predator, money-launderer and fraud artist. He's degraded our country and ruined the lives of thousands of completely innocent immigrants who came to us for help and sanctuary, blackened our name with our friends abroad. He is running a government that is the most corrupt and morally bankrupt in memory. On top of it all, he is a traitor, and unless we have a lot of luck, he may get away with all of it and leave behind him a crippled, divided country that will take years to restore itself. If that is even possible.
I'm sorry, Gail, but this isn't a time for silly burlesques. You could do that with Bush I and II, you could even do it with Reagan.
Trump is no laughing matter.
5
The country needs a rewrite.
4
Lock HIM up! Lock HIM up! Lock HIM up! All together, now....come on congress, especially you Republicans out there...Lock HIM up! Lock HIM up!
6
I Heart Gail Collins.
1
Undoubtedly, one of your best columns of the year! Biting sarcasm and ROTF humor. And, what would you call this tragi-horror-dramedy? “No Country for Old Men!” or “The Trumpian Show.”
1
This pathetic but dangerously powerful swamp creature doesn't get satire or irony. And the truth is so much stranger and faster turning than fiction that articles like this have no impact or effect on the bamboozled followers.
You and we have to find another way.
1
I'm thinking Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street chaos and excess meets Pakula's All the President's Men gravitas meets incompetence of Arrested Development characters.
Cover every story aspect from Hillary's comments that set off Putin to Crimea to Russian hackers on DNC and troll farms on Twitter and Facebook to 4chan/Anonymous to "alt-right" and "deplorables" to George Papadopoulos shenanigans to Manafort subplot with Carter Page and Rick Gates to Russian oligarchs and mafia to Trump sex scandals involving more than porn stars to "sex escorts" in Thailand... whew! and much more to include...
That makes a bigger, wilder circus story than The Wolf of Wall Street.
1
Hey, let's make it a cartoon.
1
Make this movie stop!
4
Bahahaha, one of your best, Gail!
4
The pressure must be getting to Donald. An hour ago Sarah Sanders was seen tackling Trump on the White House lawn. Trump was running around in his tightie-whities, waving his arms wildly and screaming "Save me from the invisible fire!" like Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights
And for so many years I thought Japanese politicians were ludicrous. Never ever did I expect the United States to elect a malignant ignoramus as its clown president. Your column made me laugh until I cried and then I could not stop crying.
2
“Drain the swamp!”,no, no, it was
"Wear the Jacket!" (from the swamp creature)
Wish you would um, note that typo.
1
Perfect.
3
Brilliant!
3
Delicious column, Ms. Collins!
3
It's more a horror show than a reality show.
Like that "Twilight Zone" episode with Dennis Hopper as a young American fascist who gets advice from a familiar figure in the shadows — "He's Alive" (1963).
Rod Serling's opening narration:
"Portrait of a bush-league führer named Peter Vollmer, a sparse little man who feeds off his self-delusions and finds himself perpetually hungry for want of greatness in his diet. And like some goose-stepping predecessors, he searches for something to explain his hunger, and to rationalize why a world passes him by without saluting. The something he looks for and finds is in a sewer. In his own twisted and distorted lexicon, he calls it faith, strength, truth. But in just a moment, Peter Vollmer will ply his trade on another kind of corner, a strange intersection in a shadowland called The Twilight Zone."
Vote!
4
Too soon.
1
Hilarious except whoever wrote the first paragraph of a potential script would have been given a 10 year contract to write Acts 2,3,4,5, etc.
I think this is going to have to be a cartoon. I mean, the main character is an orange racoon with a cotton candy comb over. Think of the merchandising possibilities! Not to mention the franchise possibilities. "Donald J. Racoon and His Merry Band of Deplorables". I see Pez Dispensers, lunch boxes, adult diapers.
6
Are the headline editors on holiday? “If all this WERE just a movie.” Since this is clearly a ‘state of unreality’ (in multiple dimensions), the subjunctive seems most appropriate.
2
Obviously this script is begging for a “wag the dog” mini war with the equally fat, crazy, and narcissistic North Korean dictator. Which then spirals out of control and threatens to go nuclear. Finally the cabinet wakes up to the existential danger and declares the president unfit. Then the VP is impeached when it turns out he is in on the corruption. And in the last episode we get the female democratic speaker appointed president who turns out to be even better than the woman who had the election stolen due to collusion with the Russians.
Stranger things have already happened!
May it be so!
2
Jim Carey has the chops to play the madness of Trump.
Jennifer Lawrence or Uma Thurman for Ms. Daniels. Daniel Craig (the coolest James Bond ever) for Michael Avenatti.
Michael Madden (Mr. D/Reservoir Dogs) would nail Manafort, and there is a real resemblance.
And, of course, Beavis and Butthead for Trump's two eldest sons.
3
@Rw
Michael Avenatti could play Michael Avenatti. He'd knock it out of the park during the movie publicity tour.
1
As long as the target audience is the dumbest people in America, the script will work as is, no rewrite needed. They want soap operas, lifestyles of the rich & famous, reality TV & celeb worship in general. You can't jump the shark with them.
2
@Jeff Atkinson - Agreed. The only Trump supporters I have met are ardent fans of Fox and various reality TV shows.
Gail, you need just a little bit of gallows humor in the script---my suggestion, throughout the drama, splice in some interviews from Trump's supporters and one of his rally's---their views on race, women, economics, morality, and general knowledge of the world would add just the right amount of comic relief.
3
Call it Idiocracy 2, the sequel!
2
"Scripts are for losers. I mean, I ran--you know, The Apprentice, and we had a bunch of winners on that show, a big bunch of them. They didn't need scripts. They just needed ideas and smarts. And, I gotta tell ya, Omarosa still needs 'em." --Fake Donald Trump.
1
As Barack Obama used to say "Only in America"
O How art thou fallen, O son of the morning!
1
“… take a second look at the wife.”
Why not have her standing, woefully, in an eighteen-mile-long Immigration line, and Dear Furor spots her at sixty miles per, in the dark, from the back of a speeding 30-door Limo?
He jumps out (car’s still rolling! But only barely – perhaps an enormous Orange to play the part of the Prez, for Safety’s sake – failing to notice his dominos-like knocking over of several dozen Illegals, and instantly, unthinkingly, proposes his very own style of Marriage. It's off to Vegas!
I’d buy that.
4
How about having him pooh-pooh global warming as the temperatures soar and fires burn over huge sections of California?
7
For the lead I suggest someone likeable like Kevin Spacey...
3
Good on you!
Brava, Gail!
4
Watch Ron Perlman in Hellboy and you'll know you've got your Trump.
1
I bet Harvey Weinstein would produce it, and Di Niro would be perfect for the NY Mayor-torney.
Me, I’m working on a screenplay for ‘Citizen Trump.’
1
Perfect. : )
1
How about the ridiculous clown of a President shoots someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and his cult following still supports him? At this point, I’m totally willing to suspend all disbelief.
3
Ms. Collins:
Right?
George Orwell already forecast the Trump Administration in "Animal Farm" and "1984".
Lin Manuel Miranda is the clear choice for " Trump" the hip hop musical.
While Jordan Peele is the obvious selection for " Get In" the film about the Trump era.
Spike Lee can return with "Do The Wrong Thing".
Forest Whitaker is my pick to play Trump,Sr.. Lupita Nyong'o as Ivanka. And Viola Davis as Melania. Chadwick Boseman as Don, Jr.. Michael B. Jordan as Mile Pence. MAGA!
2
@Blackmamba
On further reflection Mr. Jordan can play Eric Trump. Will Smith as Jared Kushner. Billy Dee Williams as Mike Pence. Denzel Washington as Bill Clinton. Angela Basset as Hillary Clinton.
Gail, you did not mention the title of this script. I suggest "Orange Julius Caesar".
5
The sex scene was so short, frankly, it was textbook generic.
In short may I say:
May the Farce be with you .... and screen writers everywhere.
2
Gail, your script doctors should also include the wife doing a 'Be Best' campaign and fight against cyberbullying, even though her husband is the biggest cyber bully in the entire world. Is she trolling him or just unaware or just stupid or whatever but that would be a fun situation, wouldn't it? At least I think so.
2
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people." "There's a sucker born every minute."
OK , so maybe both the Mencken and Barnum quotes are apocryphal, but they sure have staying power. Anybody here wanna buy a bridge?
An older reference goes to Hans Christian Andersen, who built the perfect story around the idea that we'd accept a naked emperor, who thought himself the epitome of rich style, as long as enough people kept saying how great he looked, over and over.
Cynical quotes and fairy tales. Are we living Orwell, or Huxley, or Lewis Carroll or Brothers Grimm? Whatever it is, it is a warped reality.
2
You will probably have to use cartoon characters because there is no way we could fit real people into this disgusting mess. Oh, wait, Trump did.
2
"If All This WERE ....". Please.
It does not matter who sits in the oval office for all men fall short of the Glory of God.
I think Liam Neeson would need to gain about 100 lbs!
Good job, Gail! Don’t let Larry talk you into changing the heavily accented immigrant theme for the First Lady! I know he’s pushing for the morally superior, anti- bullying resistance theme, but it’s not very convincing. Not many people will buy that she has any morals. She’s just another swamp creature who married for money and then got sucker punched.
2
The ending has to be the president and all his men and women in jail and the warden is, of course, Hillary Clinton.
4
@Nick Adams -- I LOVE your Movie!
1
If this was a movie...
...it wouldn’t even make the freebie leftover bin at the local library.
11/6/18. VOTE.
2
Awesome!
1
It's been done as a tv series. It was called "The Sopranos."
3
Manafort, Cohen
This is the way Trump world ends
A bang? A whimper
1
You’ve left out the dramatic ending - Washington, Oregon, California, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York and New Jersey secede from the union and become part of Canada.
3
I would like to suggest a name for this Black Comedy film-
"The Trump Card"
1
Oh, hey Charlotte and Fred.
Did you say this a comedy, because it’s not funny.
Maybe the low life reality star President could strap a dog to the roof of his car. THAT would be funny.
2
Dear Gail (May I call you Gail? I somehow feel like I know you…),
I fear you’ve missed your calling. I beseech you: please start writing full-length satires. You will give Martin Amis, Zadie Smith, and John Kennedy Toole a run for their money.
I’ve long known I could count on you for accuracy in journalism, but had no idea you could make me laugh so hard, let alone in such dark times.
1
Who will play the part of Seamus the dog? Isn't the some ridiculous Republican side show with a traveling dog on an aeroplane or a car in this drama?
How about making the First Lady a Russian spy, who seduced DJT way back when?
1
Proving once again, "you can't make this stuff up." Fiction, for all the interesting plot twists, turns, and memorable characters, is often outdone by reality. Unless we're all already living in someone else's script to begin with, in which case we're possibly in even bigger trouble.
1
You forgot the part about chain migration and the parents of the FLOTUS.
130
Not mentioned enough, in Trumpworld, where Trump *loves* Manafort's family, is that Manafort farmed out his wife for orgies - aka gangbanging - with his friends.
How would this fit in the script?
"‘Has mom been tested for STDs?’ The Manaforts’ home life and why it matters
"Hacked text messages containing several damaging stories about the former campaign manager can now be viewed by anyone with an Internet connection."
"“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The peculiar unhappiness of Paul Manafort’s family life is described in excruciating detail in 285,000 text messages from an iPhone belonging to one of his daughters."
"One daughter purportedly tells another that their father regularly made their mother have sex with a “room full of men”. (It appears that the texts are reproduced with the same spelling and punctuation as originally written.)
"“dad tapes it all”
"“Poor mom”
"“Dad is a sex addict”"
https://spectator.us/2018/07/has-mom-been-tested-for-stds-the-manaforts-...
Perhaps this is language more people can understand:
In today's episode of "The Syndicate"Part one":
Well, looks like the boss of the crime syndicate may be in for some trouble.
Rudy the Lip has appeared in some interviews attempting to define the word "truth." Meanwhile, Paulie has been indicted for money laundering, breaking campaign finance laws and basically robbery. He could get about 14 years in the slammer but he’s got a Federal trial starting in two weeks that may send him up the river for even a longer time.
Mickey the Fixer is singing like a bird where Boss D.C. (Don the Con) could be an “unnamed co-conspirator” the first sitting president to be named so since Tricky Dick. Mickey’s on the record - under oath now, not hearsay or opinion - that he was directed by Boss D.C. to pay the molls off for their stories about infidelity, one of the cornerstones of the GOP.
2
Love the rewrite ideas, but let's focus on the extras for a second. For the crowds at the rallies, let's switch from rabid all-white crowds (except for that one black guy that shows up behind the Prez), let's throw in a couple of Hispanics at each rally who can be waving signs that say, "Build that wall!" just for dissonant effect.
And how about a few scenes where the camera reveals the Prez contemplating stuff while staring out from the windows at the White House. We'll pan a bunch of homeless folks on the sidewalk out front. They'll be wearing rags and pushing shopping carts with homemade signs thanking the Prez for making America great again for them - MAGA hats for all. This will show that even the homeless appreciate the efforts of the Prez.
Then one scene showing folks suffering various illnesses and injuries outside hospitals, some in wheelchairs, all wearing MAGA hats and carrying signs thanking the Prez for killing off Obamacare, even though none of them have health insurance. They're grateful that they don't have to have insurance anymore, because who needs it?
7
Why wouldn't life be starting to imitate dumb television shows by now? Watching television is innately a dumb activity, yet for every generation since the fifties doing so has used up so much time that for all too many of us it must rightly be considered as being among life's major (if also emptiest) experiences.
7
Finally, even Gail can’t make it funny.
Valiant try, though.
4
Can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode. Hopefully no one dies because of the fool lead.
1
I agree. Nobody would buy it. LOL
1
Maybe you should release this as book first. That will cause the President many confused moments as he won't be in on the joke.
6
Anyone remember this? Public Interests; Last Year's Science Fiction? https://www.nytimes.com/2000/11/17/opinion/public-interests-last-year-s-...
My favorite Gail Collins column--until now!
1
Nobody could make this stuff up!
2
"We can’t buy the scene where the president goes to a rally right after all these stories break and he’s got the crowd yelling, 'Drain the swamp!' ”
https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/08/what-trumps-support...
1
Gail, this IS a movie. It’s the sequel to “ Goodfellas “. Known as
“ Hoodfellas “, a heartwarming tale of racism, unearned wealth and privilege, unfettered ego and unmatched Vanity. A sweeping family saga, legal thriller and the obligatory Women. Girls, Girls, Girls, like an Elvis Movie, except that Elvis NEVER had to pay for it. Please cancel this show, VOTE in November.
4
you missed the part about the trump tower meeting in June 2016. You have to watch the Godfather part 2 to understand
how to change your script to equate Don Jr. with Fredo. And remember, Fredo get whacked at the end.
6
Seems like politics needs to be so corrupt that it couldn’t stand 8 years of Obama purity and Republicans took the necessary steps in retaining its immorality. Bring out those back boys!
2
I do believe that your re-write should be more along the lines of Animal Farm. It's short, concise and we have all the actors to fill the parts of the pigs.
4
How about a remake of Meet the Fockers with DeNiro as Trump and Ben Stiller as Trump, Jr. I’d love to see Stiller with tons of hair gel saying, “If it’s what you say, I love it!”
1
Bravo, Gail. You had me laughing outloud. Sort of gallows humor, yes?
2
The kids, Gail! You forgot the kids!
I nominate the guys who did Wayne's World as Don Jr. and Eric.
As for Ivanka ... Britney Spears, maybe?
Finally - Jared has to be Paul Reubens. That's a definite!
8
As an alternative, have you considered bringing back “The Sopranos?”
1
May I offer an addition?
Do show a scene in which the leading reality TV host did drain the swamp - into the WH, and add a few more swamp creatures of his own. Maybe with Putin pulling the string as he does that?
3
Priceless!
2
Revive Your Career Dept: Roseanne Barr as press secretary. I would even watch.
3
Very, very good, Gail, because we all keep thinking this can't possibly be real. Right? But here's where you know, for sure, that it's not being staged.
Because Liam Neeson, even at 50 or 60 pounds heavier, would give viewers an image they could look at without the gag reflex kicking in.
But this Trump character? Have you seen this man? Especially video of him talking. How does he do that with his mouth? It's such a grotesque distortion of a mouth. And then when you toss the haircut he obviously gives himself, the Coppertone QT skin from the 60s, and the gag-me-with-a-spoon body blubber -- that's when you realize no one is going to cast that.
Forget about what he's saying. Just look at him for crying out loud!
And that you reach one inescapable conclusion --
It has to be real. Oh god, it has to be real.
4
You're on your game today, Gail! Great column!
5
Ms. Collins - you have outdone yourself. Hello, Operator? Could you get me the number of the Pulitzer Prize nomination committee, please . . .
3
Great article Gail! but you forgot the climatic ending where the lead/villian starts a nuclear war with let's see.... Iran? Korea? Europe?
6
@SAM -- Canada!
Oops
2
I see this story line taking a distinctly dark turn. Next season: while there is ample evidence to support impeachment and removal from office, the Congress will refuse to act against the buffoon who has morphed into a full-blown dictator.
This is because Congressional Republicans are terrified of the tens of millions of racist, hateful people who support this buffoon - cut away to Charlottesville footage here.
The dictator now understand that he is only limited by his imagination and the laws of physics. After all, he ordered brown skinned infants be put in cages, and suffered no consequence.
Further episodes demonstrate that the only thing keeping this unhinged tyrant from facing numerous criminal charges (in which he'd spend the remainder of his life in prison) is his presidency. Thus he takes the only step that will ensure he never sees the inside of a prison cell, and declares martial law. He suspends the upcoming 2020 election, and declares himself president for as long as he believes martial law should be in place.
The Supreme Court, comprised of several hand-picked toadies, allow this action as an acceptable exercise of his "executive powers".
And then cut to the season finale, showing the dictators' tens of millions of jack booted white supporters marching through the streets with their semi-automatic weaponry, and rounding up those of us who are brown-skinned.
And anyone who thinks this scenario is highly unlikely now is incredibly naive.
8
Moral of the story.....got to get rid of the Electoral College!
8
if it was a movie there would be a good side
2
But who’s writing the ending?
Shakespeare or Dr Strangelove?
3
Another rejected scene......the candidate's dimwitted eldest son, played by Bill Hader, returning from a big game shoot on a hunting reservation, meets with Russian spies to gather "dirt" on the opposition. Rejected because it is determined to be unbelievable that the candidate's hunting base would accept as authentic the hunting bonafides of a dolt who would slaughter penned in animals on the endangered species list.
5
It's not funny anymore, Gail. There aren't enough dogs on roofs comments to get us to even crack a smile again, at this point.
4
Trump leading his scream-fest rallies against immigrants while his communist in-laws get fast-tracked for citizenship puts all this into cartoon territory.
The immigrant wife sponsored on a "genius visa" reading cue cards about saving kids from cyberbullying in broken english while the husband is Exhibit A for online haters takes it into sci-fi.
14
This rehash of the whole debacle and cast of characters proves one thing. Hillary was wrong when she called the people who support and vote for him deplorables. It's him, his associates, his family, (maybe not Melania and Barron), and those who work trying to make him look like a president.
If only reality were as funny.....
1
This brightened my day. Well written and funny. And then afterward I realize it isn't Liam on the front page, it's a real life, tantrum throwing doofus that has the nuclear launch codes with no moral character whatsoever.
2
You could sell this as a kind of "Monty Python meets All The President's Men."
You know, evil dystopian buffoonery.
4
Fun column. It reminded me of the ones Maureen Dowd used to write in the good old days. Ah, the good old days. We were all so innocent.
2
And the all important rating for Gail’s film:
Rated R- ( for Republican or alternatively Russian ) of course.
146
I would have said rated Я (for Яepublican/Яussian) given that our current crop of Яepublicans in Congress are doing more for Яussia than America.
2
I think, Ms. Collins, that a movie with famous stars is more than the Trump story deserves. A cartoon version to be shown on one of the third tier networks would accommodate all of the unlikely plot lines you point out.
Trump's stands on issues is so at war with his personal words and actions that his supporters must work very hard to accept one and deny the other. How did a Family Values party accept a man with his history of divorce and statements objectifying women? How do his supporters accept his extreme views on immigration with his "Einstein visa" immigrant wife and her chain migration parents who were (are?) members of the Communist party?
On second thought, 50 years from now, no one will actually believe the voters of the US allowed this man to be president. Perhaps the movie version they do in 5 decades will find a way to deal with this incredible period of US history.
1
Note from production Dept: This script would work well as a series on a number of networks in a number of genre slots. Suggested titles:
President Gone Wild.
Breaking America.
Mueller's War
Wait, WHAT!?
Putin's Surprise
and finally,
What's In It For Me?
145
@V.Brys
How about
Puttin' Up with Putin
Trumping America
and finally
Fool us Twice....
@V.Brys: The last one is the winner. Guaranteed audience of millions of Republican die-hard voters.
@V.Brys Do not forget the episode, "I Don't Really Care. Do YOU?
1
But what is that pale shadow stirring the background curtains while patiently waiting for his close-up? Looks like Mr. Pence is just a bit out of focus...for now....
267
@carrobin. Played by Mr. Clean wearing a wig.
I quote a t-shirt that I saw recently: “Make Orwell fiction again.”
348
@felixfelix
Brilliant; are there several million of those available?
I could use this as a journalistic version of Theatre of the Absurd in my classes. I explain to my students that post- two world wars, a great depression, the Holocaust, the invention and dropping of two atomic bombs on Japanese cities, etc., playwrights like Ionesco and Beckett didn't think life had any meaning. But rather than write plays that lament the state of the world, they wrote plays designed for audiences to laugh at the meaninglessness of it all. I guess it is better to laugh at nihilism than to drink or drug yourself to death. Oh wait...
Anyway, thank you for this before-bed laughter since, as mentioned, Colbert and others have all gone on vacation. Or are they down in New Zealand buying houses and enrolling their kids in school where they hope it's safe? If I had their money, that's what I would be doing.
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but a chuckle.
103
@JediProf
Oh, Great Jedi Prof, no need to hie thee and thy wee ones to far New Zealand. Have you not heard that the Un-Fair Lady Betsy DeVoss has proposed using education funds to buy fine weaponry for our schools rather than waste said wealth on books, teachers’ salaries, and STEM, Music and Art programs for our dear children. Surely these tidings should bring great hope to parents throughout the realm!
1
Love the script. I'm thinking the Muppets in the staring roles?
194
That’s an insult to Muppets.
@Uncle Sam
More like characters from Looney Tunes.
Don’t impugn the beloved Muppets!
There are so many delicious ways to end this movie. The president (played by Alec Baldwin who has done all the work to get ready for the part) is hauled off in a straight jacket screaming "No collusion!"
Or maybe the attorney general, played by Peewee Herman, does him in. Talk about justice.
A campaign rally would be a good place for the ending too. Something where a riot breaks out.
My favorite would be a jail scene where all the crooks are imprisoned.
272
@Nick Adams
I would like the ending to be an overhead shot of people pouring out of their houses, offices, and public buildings, filling the streets and chanting, “Lock him up.” The camera would gradually rise, revealing this happening all across the country. Every incensed American in the streets, finally demanding justice!
10
@Nick Adams
Peewee Herman - that's genius.
1
@Nick Adams, you must know "The Investigator", where (for those too young or not plugged in to reality back in the 50s) the Joe McCarthy character is indeed hauled off in a strait jacket muttering his mantra to himself.
1
Dear Charlotte and Fred:
If we want to be considered award-worthy, consider giving the story more heft. Consider going darker. Making him a buffoon gets old quickly. Paying hush money to sex partners is so ... trite. Perhaps it's just the tip of the iceberg? How about making this a guy who has silenced practically everyone he's worked with/stiffed/settled legal cases with by paying them off? Could we possibly make this more into a story about the power that immense wealth brings? And as we know, power can corrupt.
Think a cross between a Citizen Kane and The Jinx, both must see classics. You have a line where your character says he thinks he can get away with murder, so how does he manage to get elected despite that?
2
If all this was just a movie, we’d be getting better fare than mere action hero beefcake and Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner (who is beginning to resemble Dennis Franz) pretending that a martial arts expert and a deadeye with a bow are super-heroes. But we’d probably also have an already-failed print news medium lacking the paper sales and clicks required to keep its members afloat. You guys really should kiss Trump’s 72-year-old feet.
Dear Charlotte and Fred:
On second thought, go with the script as read, with some minor revisions. After all, we read the New York Times, so we’re inured to requirements that we suspend our disbelief.
The Cast
Have the “incompetent great-uncle” cum 9/11 mayoral hero ask Melania to “pull his finger, let’s see what happens”.
Foreign Affairs
Develop sub-plots about those mysterious absences of Theresa May, Angela Merkel and Marine Le Penn, when the main protagonist was supposed to be in Asia, not Europe. Check campaign funds to make sure unexplained withdrawals haven’t been made by “a younger Ray Liotta”.
Finally
Remind the audience that NEITHER candidate polled a majority of votes – kinda like the hubby of one of them back in the day.
Very good. Better to laugh than cry at this point. One could draft another drama based on avant guard theatre of the absurd, in straight face. Or a Kafkian novella--one wakes up one morning and ... and then little by little everyone in the household adapts to the great transformations in the monster-bug, until at the end, everyone gives a sight of relief and pretends that nothing much happened and "normality" sets in.
41
I would prefer one of those generational saga about how the president and his team foiled the rest of the world's attempt to stabilize the global temperature at a point where civilization could continue to function in a reasonable way.
A big part of the drama was the presidents charismatic leadership in transitioning the US to reliance on coal for 97% of the nation's energy needs. The subsequent almighty carbon release to the atmosphere thwarted once and for all attempts by others to stop the warming.
And for intrigue you can't beat the president's clever diversion tactics like creating a media/political hurricane by morphing some sexual escapades into arcane, politically charged, election law violations. While global warming was sinking islands, flooding coastal plains with their massive populations, and causing drought, famine and pestilence on a global scale. Priorities count, coal burning is at the top of the list.
151
Funny. I think your column answers your colleague Brett Stephens conclusion in his column where he uses Lindsay Graham’s words of 25 years ago and asks why. This reads so unbelievable to many of us who remember 25 years ago, but what’s acceptable today is much different. Heaven help us!!! The more crazy normal becomes, the more normal becomes crazy. Fly over country will dismiss it as everyone does it. Nothing will come of this.
52
We’re having one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction moments. If someone had told us beforehand what we were in for, we wouldn’t have believed it. Heck, we’re in the middle of it, and we can’t believe it.
Even the world is falling apart, like a disaster movie on steroids. The country is on fire at one end and flooded at the other. Crimes and natural disasters are becoming bizarre, straying into Twilight Zone territory. Lies are truth and the truth is lies. Planes are falling from the sky. The Catholic Church has suddenly discovered pedophiles in its ranks. Who could have guessed?
It’s as though America is so revolted by what’s happening that it’s throwing up.
The president is almost comic relief. He’s so weird and improbable that he can’t possibly be real, and yet, there he is, all three stooges rolled into one. You get the feeling that if he said his name backwards he’d disappear without a trace.
He’s got to be reading from a script. I’m thinking Larry David may have had something to do with this. Maybe that’s why I hear the theme to Curb Your Enthusiasm every time the president waddles onto the screen.
I get the feeling that the ending is going to be a doozie. Think Dr. Strangelove.
759
@gemli
Does the saying-the-name-backwards thing work if other people do it?
I, personally, have endeavored not to say his name under any circumstances. However, if saying it backwards will make this abomination disappear, I am all in!
(BTW--does it have to be the entire name, or just the last name?)
11
@gemli
Wow! I thought of that movie too. From "There's no fighting in the war room", to Rudy's, "the truth isn't truth."
2
@gemli: Pmurt!
1
Yeah, it's a crazy screenplay all right until you wake up every morning and realize we're living it. Besides, I can't think of any living actor who could play the part of the president with a straight face.
90
@Kurt Remarque. Perhaps Trump could play himself. He's not too busy since 75% of his waking hours are spent either watching TV or tweeting.
2
@Kurt Remarque I vote for Alec Baldwin as Trump. Obvious but still great.
Gail
You are absolutely correct in pointing out that the viewer desires at least one lovable/likable character - for a production to be successful. In this case, even a little back in time twist will not endear the main character to anyone other than the Aryan brotherhood. This unfortunate plot needs a new casting director.
3
If all this was just a movie...I'd leave the theater. This may sound silly but I do feel as if my reactions and actions seem to be part of a larger narrative. As if I'm reliving older times while carrying the wisdom of the last 250 years. I think of all those who knew, in their souls, they were on the right side of history when they fought against slavery, for civil rights, against misogyny, for equal rights, against internment and McCarthyism, for WW1 and 2, school desegregation, Gay rights and a host of other, equally obvious, human rights. I've lived long enough to remember black and white movies but I've never seen a choice more black and white, good and evil or right and wrong as the choice we have to make in November. Vote with a clear understanding that you are right, you are good and you are a star.
614
@Rick Gage
Good post, and not to quibble, but I like to think that all those people were heroic not because they believed themselves on the right side of history, but because—win or lose—they believed themselves to be on the right side of morality.
138
@Rick Gage
Tears welled up in my old eyes as read your post. I too remember our struggles to right REAL wrongs - to drag our Nation to moral modernity.
I am so sad to see our regressive, reactionary, mean, superficial, and fearful nature so predominate.
I am even sadder to see people who once knew better let our darker side prevail at the polls.
What happened to us? What happened to our spirit and commitment to right REAL wrongs - to make a positive difference for ALL.
If we followed any Gospel it was the Sermon on the Mount - what happened to that "Christianity".
Less concerned with the small stuff - less concerned with winning - less serious about dictated mores, more concerned with the the golden rule, fairness, brother/sisterhood, sharing, equality, righting wrongs, compassion, inner beauty, accepting difference.
While it existed it was a beautiful moment in time - at least philosophically - conceptually.
Sadly it lasted a brief moment - we soon became our parents - we had to - the war ended - jobs started - families started - the system forced it.
And we forgot who we were - forgot it profoundly.
We became A 1000 Clowns heading to work - we had to - the establishment and our obligations stronger than our peace and love.
Our hopes and energy - now only ashes scattered into the vacuum by the winds of fearful selfishness and conformity.
Worse some of our votes that proudly went to McGovern go perhaps to an antithesis like a Trump.
Sad - really really sad.
9
@Rick Gage. Thank you for this beautiful comment. It made my heart ache for our country. If you compare Trump with Barack Obama on every aspect of character, intelligence, and love of country, you will find the perfect representation for your moving summary of what has gone wrong in our country.
6
But, frighteningly, not only is a large section of the audience not walking out at the opening credits, they are in fact cheering for the main lead, and have started to see the DoJ and FBI as the villains . This presidency might resemble a bad movie but the audiences are very very real.
425
Dear Charlotte and Fred, Gail points it all the flaws in your script but neglects to mention an important one.The script is dark and disturbing and folks can go with that for awhile but they eventually need to see a hero or heroine come to the rescue and make sense of the comedy and tragedy.At the end there has to be a clarifying moment-a time for folks to cheer and leave the movie feeling that Justice won.When you cast Robert Mueller I suggest someone who reminds us of Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch.
415
careful there...remember what happened to Tom Robinson
Nope. Atticus Finch lost that case because of ingrained bigotry and racism. Hmm. Let's go for a more uplifting ending if we can.
@Janet Michael The British "House of Cards" did, but so far not the American.
A real winner, Gail!
Laughing through my gnashed teeth and tears! Too, too impossible to believe.
But so true. It hearts my heart.
8
You need to include a theme in which Sally Huckelberry Sandworth closes each press conference with a pained grin and the words "What me Worry?"
6
Gmail, this is hilarious.. if it weren't for the possible dire consequences that may occur before this fool removed from office.
4
Satire is the perfect medium o drive home th point. Humor opens us up to seeing ourselves in the three way mirror near the room where you try on clothes. It gives you a new perspective since you can see yourself coming and going almost at the same time. Satire , w artfully done, and it certainly was artful here, does just that
It is interesting that many of the comments try to wiggle with the satirical plot or cast the characters. That proves the satire worked. However the satirical drama goes on daily. None of us can predict the next plot point.
The three way mirror never presents the future as well as it doesn’t the past. When you look in the three way mirror you can see infinity as the images bounce back and forth and get ever smaller. The French call this ‘renvoir’. Great job Ms Collins.
2
Shouldn't that be "If All This WERE Just a Movie"?
1
That's really not fair, Gail. Millions of Republicans buy tickets to see this film every day. It's a blockbuster!
16
You are too funny as the phrase goes and I say thank you for the chuckles and my fervent hope that this sitcom doesn't get renewed.
I think Trump should be played by a cartoon character like Wimpy from Popeye who was addicted to cheeseburgers and they were all he could think about during the course of a day.
I still think a Disney automaton representing Trump's leading lady will work out just fine as nobody will know the difference. Just remember to run her programming by Trump once he finishes the programming re-work for No Sense Pence. He has to keep putting words into his mouth so it sometimes takes awhile for the audio.
2
@Andrea Landry. I would cast a life-size blow-up doll in the role of Melania.
Great plot line. But you forgot to mention the flashback where the protagonist simultaneously fails freshman English Composition, Introduction To American History, Government 101, and Introductory Religion & Ethics, yet goes on to win class honors as "Most Likely To Be President". Booyah, Wharton!!
15
Gail, baby, it is a movie, one from the minds of those who make up the sickness known as the GOP.
4
Trump will go down in history the president who brought our unconstitutional "two party system" into such disrepute, the two parties began their shrink into non-existence upon the failure of his impeachment.
Trump is not a leader. Besides his ideas and plans demonstrate backward thinking. He became president upon a constitutional fluke neither of the political parties could be bothered to fix after Bush v. Gore fiasco.
Trump is actively dismantling all EPA progress in the Obama administration not because protections under Obama EPA are wrong, or costly, but because Trump despises Obama for two reasons: Obama's popularity with white people and the color of his skin.
During his campaign Trump's mantra was "Build the Wall," and to the rhetorical question, "Whose gunna pay for it," the crowds would shriek, "Mexico."
So why is our money being squandered on something an overwhelming majority voted against and does not want to pay for?
The two parties ate our democracy decades ago. They control the courts, our ballot boxes, who is chosen for the lifetime jobs and practically anything that happens - the parties have their grubby Trump-like fingers in the pot.
Because of the two parties, with their built-in confusion of realities, Trump's Impeachment is liable to fail. There will not be any other reason.
Trump represents an everybody-does-it Treason both parties rubber stamp. They are the corruption. They are the swamp.
http://levalive.live
3
Even with revisions, this film would go DTV. "Direct to Video" I was informed when checking out Seagal's latest. Not even worth a reviewer's time, since disaster films are so passe.
1
Sorry Gail, this column isn’t funny or enlightening. Our democracy and rule of law may be extinguished by Trump and his traitorous Congress. The time for supercilious parody is past. Good God, our nation is being destroyed!
3
Perhaps sometime in the future, we will be able to sit back and laugh at the present situation. But not now. This is not a joking matter. Our democracy is at stake. There are just too many Yahoos out there that will never turn away from trump, because it would be like admitting a big life direction mistake. And like spineless congress, trump’s supporters will remain quiet and remorseless, hoping some other racist (like themselves) will come along, who they could support.
2
Gail, LOL. I was imagining my grandchildren asking, "how could you let this ridiculous travesty happen?" Wouldn't even make a third-rate comedy!
1
"Something Rotten" is already taken as a title for this drama.
1
You forgot the part where the president's wife denounces cyberbullying.
11
One episode of this show will show Michael Cohen's luxury condo that he rents out for $25,000 a month, and then later in that same show he begins a GoFundMe page to pay his legal bills.
4
Gail, you passed up a golden opportunity to skewer Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan. Gee, do you think the possibility will present itself again?
6
Sounds interesting. How does it end?
1
I'm rather sad. We, the people, by our laws (Citizens United, the electoral college) or lack thereof (protecting the vote), have brought to the fore the worst in every way. We have shown ourselves and the world that racists, sexists, ideological jurists, and finally corporate lobbyists have gotten their grubby hands on the levers of power. And, nothing will be done about it because of a complacent, entertainment-driven and vacuous citizenry prefer the virtual to reality.
8
nice script, but please,no sequel.
2
Sorry, Gail, this time it’s not funny. We’re all walking out.
2
I can see the theater billboards now:
Send your taxes to Washington:
buy a Republican a yacht
fly a Republican bunny to DC
pay millions for a resort in Florida
pay for services from strippers
and of course, pay and pay and pay for legal fees!
1
That’s a terrible idea! No one would ever believe it. Have you lost your mind? How could anyone dream up these scenarios?
1
Great column Gail, but no, no, no to Meryl Streep. I suggest Salma Hayek.
1
Meryl Streep as Melania? Works for me. As for "Individual 1 (oops I mean the SCPOTUS) -it can only be Alec Baldwin!
2
The main problem is that the main character is simply unlikable. Even Gordon Gecko had a devilish edge that was quite breath-taking. Your main character here, this portly gent who is more needy than a baby that hasn't been fed in 4 hours, would be great if this was a comedy (and we could somehow resurrect Fatty Arbuckle), but as it stands he is not even funny, to be honest.
I'm thinking if we can do a course correction here, and do a DiCaprio-as Calvin-Candie kind of thing, we would have much more appealing and likeable character?
Let's stay in touch.
pjc
2
"every one of his lines screams “incompetent great-uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving.”
Memo to Rudy -- get out now. What little shreds of credibility and reputation you might have once had are almost gone. Don't lose it all, don't lose the rest of it. You're already past "Dancing With The Stars" redemption, bail out before you go all the way down in flames along with Trump.
1
@Jim Brokaw Jim, it is too late for redemption by Rudy. He is now the clown of the administration. Every time he opens his mouth he makes things worse. Time for him to go back to his drag act.
1
If all of this WERE just a movie? Subjunctive?
3
The Onion must be running parodies of this administration functioning smoothly. We are living in a mirror image.
1
Idea for a title: The Usual Suspects. Or has that already been used?
2
You can't make this stuff up.
3
Best Gail Collins column ever! So sad that it's based on a true story.
10
Gail,
Don't you realize that those writers only know reality-TV, just like the main character?
3
May I suggest a title for the movie? How about “The Creature From The Black Lagoon II”, subtitled “Will The Swamp Be Drained?”.
3
As a person who participated in countless movie industry story meetings for decades, listening to cringe-worthy, spitballing sentences that began with, “what if we...?” I’ve been wondering what genre of movie our current situation would fall into. Gail is correct that the implausible twists and turns and the buffoonish lead character and his band of evil idiots lend itself to comedy, but the tragedy of watching our democracy fall apart as the environment and our quality of life suffers, is too horrible to laugh at.
And yet, Gail’s brilliance is most appreciated. Even Hamlet had its share of comic relief.
299
@NYCtoMalibu
In the same genre as Dr StrangeLove.
1
@NYCtoMalibu
The genre is dark comedy. If you haven't yet, watch the farce "Death of Stalin."
Surprisingly timely.
@NYCtoMalibu
It is quite obviously a horror film.
Sorry, Gail, your column brought tears my eyes, and not of laughter.
4
Gail Collins channeling her inner Art Buchwald. How good is that!
7
Worse than J Kozinski's "Being There"!
Peter Sellers's character was a know-nothing, hyped into reality.
Trump is corrupt from the get go. Trumpies too.
2
Can I get a refund on my ticket?
2
Is it possible to include a witch hunt? I don’t think a Wizard of Oz look is what you’re looking for. Maybe think about something along the line of “Orange is the New Black.” Just a ton of options here.
6
Gail,
Clearly Charlotte and Fred have based their show on Through The Looking Glass. The Donald is the Red Queen in disguise. Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan are Tweedledum and Tweedledee in disguise. The President and the Republican Congress are the Walrus and the Carpenter, and Trump's supporters are the four oysters who get eaten. Rudy Giuliani is Humpty Dumpty, who understands and speaks Jabberwocky. And the 65.8 million people who voted for Hillary are Alice, who, however, is still stuck on the wrong side of the Looking Glass.
I think, however, that Charlotte and Fred have taken the lunacy of Through The Looking Glass even further than Lewis Carroll would have ventured.
3
Good one and hits the nail on the head. Pitiful isn't it!
2
Oops, you forgot the plot line about a sycophantic press who helped him get elected, but is now trying to eviscerate him.
4
The Trump years will either be known as "Truth Isn't Truth," "Sex, Lies, and Audiotape," or "From Russia, With Love."
5
Gail, maybe your best column ever. You can't make this stuff up. Your massive hammer is heading straight to that massive nail in front of us all.
1
O.K. Gail, it sounds like the characters for the movie could work out well, but why would anyone want to see it in the 1st place? I don't think you were trying to be funny. I believe you are letting your wit come out through your sarcasm.
This lying, narcissistic bully who doesn't read or study and knows nothing about government needs to wake up. But he won't, of course, because he likes himself the way he is. He forgot and /or didn't know that running for and being elected as president means EXPOSURE to the world. He was so used to operating from his protected office using underhanded tactics to run his business he thought he could get away with it exposed to all including the free press. Yes, they can be annoying but crucial to open government. He brought his family with him to the White House to shield and protect him but all they do is make the situation worse.
He has chosen fellow misfits as his legions who under his orders are ruining the environmental progress we have made, tried to demolish free public education and his so called foreign policy is bizarre. Well, you know the rest.
So why would I think he wouldn't direct his lawyers and friends to break the laws under his direction? Are you kidding me???
1
Always thought “Being There” was the coming attraction of “W”’s Presidency. Step up production and make this a movie of Trump’s impending Impeachment hearings, you know with lots of disjointed flashbacks of his spaced-out Presidency, maybe a Bill Clinton cameo as chief prosecutor. Daniel Craig will be great as Putin, and don’t leave out Moses tallying up Trump breaking The 10 Commandments: thousands of checks next to “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” Of course during his trial Trump will spend most of his time in the can with a terminal case of Moctazuma’s Revenge.
2
One can change to a different show or turnoff the TV when watching one of these terrible reality shows. Unfortunately, we are stuck every day watching this terrible unreality show. It reminds one of the movie Groundhog Day. What a terrible cast of characters from Pence, Mc Connell, Sessions, Sanders and Rudy the rat.
3
I am thinking that Larry David needs to be brought in to make this a bit less non-nonsensical. The casting will take care of itself - how about if the three visible Trump kids get played by Beevis, Butthead and Roseanne? Colin Hanks can easily portray Jared - he needs to drop 40 lbs and stay out of the sun for 14-16 months.
Maybe Mitt can lend Seamus to the production for the dog scene?
1
Gail, I think you're in the wrong job. You should be working for the Onion. I used to think Borowitz had an impossible job coming up with something more surreal than the news, but i stand corrected. Brilliant!
2
Dear Gail Collins,
You are brilliant! And so funny! Putting the Real Trump madness and insanity into a movie script critique is so very clever and wonderfully satisfying! Showing us the humor and absurdity of this ridiculous presidency is a gift to all who are suffering under Trump's mis-leadership! (I made that word up.) It's what Stephen Colbert does best also. That kind of sarcastic comedy is the only way some of us can cope emotionally with the clown show in Washington as we watch the destruction of our most precious democracy!
But, regarding that screenplay, this is what I wonder - in a kind of twilight zone style: What if Trump were somehow stripped of all his money?? (It reminds me of the white racist politician in "Finian's Rainbow" waking up one day and discovering he's suddenly a black man.) Why does Trump get away with his abominable behavior while so many Republicans say nothing? Because they are dazzled by his "huuuge" wealth and the power to buy anything or anyone! They all want a piece of it. His supporters think they'll get very wealthy too! (Now that's what I call a tragi-comedy!) But what an a disgusting morality, to worship and value money more than the earth and humanity.
Thank you again!!!
Could be a great movie for midnight screenings. Maybe on a double bill with The Rocky Horror Show. Meatloaf could do the the prez.
2
Thanks Gail for your cute article. I noticed you managed to do something both the Trump administration and Hollywood have perfected in different but not too subtle ways - ignore people of color - especially African Americans. Bravo! No roles for us in Hollywood and of course none in the Trump administration. Just ask Kellyanne Conway.
@JoeA: The brain surgery at HUD is a whole other story.
Re casting:
If there’s a spot for Mitch McConnell in the script there was a great character actor from the 50s/60s who was his doppelgänger - Edward Andrews - since deceased unfortunately.
Walking out before the opening credits? If only...
2
Thank you, Ms. Collins. Very well written parody - it was all fake, right?
I laughed 'til I cried.
Now if I could only stop crying...
5
Bravo: lovely satire!
2
Gail,
You're right, who could make this up as fiction? What more is to come?
Rob-Bob
3
The cognitive dissonance that is today’s America. Truth really can be stranger than fiction.
3
“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”
Mark Twain
6
Call me glum. I don’t find this funny at all.
Men and women have died and been maimed for the love of country. The part Donald Trump has played in dirtying the United States should never be turned into yet another money making event. Even the thought of it makes me sick.
Would it be possible once he is gone, to just put the classless ignoramus out of our minds? We will need to give our hearts and mind a break from him, not glorify him by movie making.
Gail might be kidding around, but Hollywood might just be writing scripts.
I think I’m pretty safe in Reese and/or Jennifer saying “Not me,”
3
And a good ending? The main character picks up his ball and goes home. Doesn't like this game anymore. But its not really over dear viewer. Mueller, the feds and NY staties pop up from the dead and try to get the Don. In his very own house (or pay-to-play resort). Will they? Will the Don prevail? Stay tuned...
4
Monty Python reunion?
3
Thank you!!
I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes...
The reality hit a stratosphere of absurdity -and POTUS STILL has ardent supporters - including Republicans in Congress!
2
And for the ending, as Trump and Putin are fishing together on a retreat at the Russian President's invitation in Siberia, Trump is in the process of landing a whopper. His pole is flexing beyond belief, the excitement of Putin is palpable and Trump is imagining the press coverage of yet other display of his machismo. As the monster fish approaches the boat, all of a sudden a scuba clad John Brennan comes to the surface, hook, line and sinker in hand yanking on the line and pulling Trump into the water. That's the end of season one.
6
Sheer genius! Best Op Ed ever. Thank you for sharing your brilliant hilarity.
3
I've read this article twice because I'm not sure if this is a critique of a mystery (Trump's connection to Putin, his complicity with Cohen to pay off women he had sex with) or if it is a comedy that tries too hard to be funny and fails miserably.
As to Ms. Streep playing the wife, I find that hard to imagine. Ms. Streep's ability to express emotion with her eyes and face should immediately make her the wrong choice.
1
The scary bit is, we were warned this would happen; the ironic bit is, we were warned this would happen HAD THE ELECTION GONE THE OTHER WAY. Remember? "It'll be the most corrupt administration in history..." "There'll be indictments every other week..." "The Constitution won't be worth the paper it's printed on..."
And, of course, "She only cares about three things: money, power, and herself!"
Yeah, if only this *were* fiction...
5
There will be a movie in the future, just as there was after Nixon and Watergate. But who gets to play the role of Deep Throat? Is their another Cohen hiding in the bushes we haven't heard of?
Stay tuned, it has many more episodes to be uncovered.
4
In another unbelievable plot twist - perhaps one worthy of its own movie or sequel - the American people discover that many Republican members of Congress are also in Putin's pocket. They are occasionally allowed to go before cameras and tsk-tsk at Trump to look like believable representatives, but they have been warned against doing anything to bring down Trump's presidency. They are frightened for their lives as Putin has sent clear warning signals about what might happen to any one of them should they decide to go rogue and let people know how they were bought and paid for. This helps to explain their reluctance to defend the Constitution and their country, and for a moment one almost feels sorry for them - careers ruined, their names next to the word 'traitor' in history books, and their families shunned by all.
8
Yes, indeed, you said it, Gail. Thank you. I'm assuming this horror movie will be titled "Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue"?
2
Could be funny if the reality would not be so sad.
4
Wasn't this done by Charlie Chaplin? The Great Dictator perhaps?
3
Thanks -- I needed that!
2
Here's a guy whose constituents (cult members?) could spend hours complaining about having to press 'one' on voice mail messaging systems to get the prompts in English (or as they would put it 'American') supporting a president whose signature program is banning immigrants, all the while, married (for the third time) to an immigrant whose 'genius status' involved nude modeling and who, (how do I put this delicately?) has marginal skills in the 'American language'.
4
I am looking for my favorite scene, the one where the bus from the federal prison pulls up in front of the white house and the entire Trump organization frog marches in handcuffs and shackles into it.
It drives off down a side street, no one paying attention to its buggish hummering down the street, into the cold and stormy night.
5
You've got to confess, Gail, that you heard some Democrat or other person say the Trump saga reminded him of WAG THE DOG. Your writers sound pretty savvy and the plot twists are most intriguing, but without your suggestions, it wouldn't make it past the first screening. The immigrant part, the first lady a former heavy-duty attorney and an immigrant excellent, and yes the yelling to a crowd of supporters about his electoral college win a little weak as the crowd like so many not sure about the difference in that vote and the popular. That main character's IN the White House. Still, with some tweaking, it could be a block-buster, in MHO.
2
It's after 3:30 am on the other side of the continent and I am sleepless in stitches!
Gail, this wins the Oscar for tickling the funny bone. I believe it tops any of your other creative op-eds in the past couple of years.
However, I am troubled by the omission of a very plausible - if sinister - subplot wherein a grim-looking (perhaps sexually repressed??) vice-president, who intends to turn back the clock on significant gains made in society on behalf of the LGBTQ community, is poised to take over the presidency once impeachment proceedings have finally concluded. Maybe check with Margaret Atwood on how to seamlessly meld details of The Handmaid's Tale into the script? You'd have to raise Bela Lugosi from the dead to play the role and get just the right piercing, vampirical look with those creepy eyes.
Now I really won't be able to get back to sleep...
9
The audience doesn't care that he didn't win the popular vote--since this is the stuff of fantasy, leave it in there!
2
Yes. This is he movie we are watching. However, I much prefer West Wing with President Bartlett.
5
Whatever Gail Collins earns, she deserves a raise. Who else could make this national tragedy into a hilarious sitcom? I do think this deserves a spinoff comedy about Betsy Devos, as who would believe that an Education Secretary wants to let schools spend federal money to buy guns? Are there really that many grizzlies threatening our schools?
14
@RLee, Here in the USA, guns are why we never ask any good questions.
If all of this was just a movie I would get up and walk out.
7
Good one Gail ;-) You gave me a couple of good laughs among all the tears ...
5
Even good satire or humor is tainted in these bizarre times.
2
Your column does stir the imagination for epic movie making:
How about a Nero Quo Vadian cinematic gem, only this time we have Trump Twittering as the American West burns in the background, while, in the foreground, Congress dressed in togas feed the Koch Brothers, Exxon-Mobile execs, and Rush Limbaugh marshmallows that are roasted over the still smoldering coals, and, of course, Mueller, Comey, and FBI and Justice Department employees - after being burned at the stake - are fed to a pride of lions?
Wait!
Could we somehow fit in a scene with Melania dressed in her green coat and wearing 4” heels walking through a burned out West Coast subdivision doing her impression of Scarlet O’Hara with a Russian accent?
And, we don’t need to pay no stinking, Streepian liberal actors nothing!
Wait is that a double or triple negative?
5
And the movie isn’t half over yet.
1
Please, PLEASE! Somebody make this, with exactly the cast and the tweaks. The reality of these times is too unbearable to remember as truth. Bury this history in fake. It's what they deserve.
4
When will Donald Trump simply tell us that we don’t deserve him and resign from office?
5
@Andrew G. Bjelland, Sr.: I'd love to see the bleeding idiot bawl about what we will lose by not having him to kick around anymore.
2
This is absolutely hilarious. Why do I feel like crying?
10
I'm still waiting for Trump's Face in the Crowd; Lonesome Rhodes moment. The masses who fell for his act finally figured out they were scammed when he inadvertently mocked them.
3
Ms. Collins, the lights are on here in full blaze at the expense of making the electric company feel more than satisfied year-end. The camera is dimmed so as not to scare the children and spook the horses.
'The Way We Live Now' by Trollope, deemed by some of his readership as his masterpiece, was written by the author in a fever of indignation in 1872, on his return to England. Society had collapsed, exposing all its vices and vendettas.
One of his younger characters is described as not approaching the higher sympathies of a dog and 'false from head to foot', but it is the colossal figure of Melmotte, who dominates the book and Trollope portrays him as a horrid, big, rich scoundrel...a bloated swindler...a vile city ruffian. He and his unfortunate family get their just desserts.
He's back! This time in America, parading under the name of Trump, where the novelty of this unprecedented president is wearing off. For a populist champion of the people, he is showing wear and tear, where he is not even able to address The Boy Scouts without placing a damper on this event.
There are times where I feel sorry for this man. We elected this Babbitt, perhaps with a little help from his Russian ally, who might be in charge of our foreign affairs, while on our national domestic front, lonely tweets the Don at night and probably feels the paucity of feathers in his cap.
There is no version of this script that would do full justice to this current pathetic state of affairs.
2
This plot would never fly because everyone knows that Republican politicians are always forgiven their trespasses and transgressions because they belong to a church somewhere so God uses them and forgives them, just like Catholic priests and evangelical preachers. Hypocrisy? Never heard of it. Not mentioned in the Ten Commandments.
5
Okay. Need good lyrics for the finale. Play off The Wicked Witch is Dead, but instead its The Wicked Rich are Dead. Huge casting. What fun!
3
As directed by Alan Smithee. (Google it.)
sigh...if it were only a movie script!
2
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Jared and Ivanka = Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin?
3
Reality is giving " willing suspension of disbelief" a whole new meaning...
1
Oh, if _only_ it were just a movie...
5
At least the Congressman's bunny wasn't strapped to the fuselage of the plane. (That infamous Romney Family vacation was 35 years ago. Rest in peace, Seamus.)
5
I've wagered ten beers on the outcome of the November election. My neighbour from Texas is sure
the Republicans will win.
I'm thinking of increasing my bet to 100 beers.
At 40 pesos ($2) a beer, that's serious money.
Gail, would you please let me know if you think I should up the ante.
saludos from sunny Yucatan
ancient Canadian
ps
This is the same Texan who keeps banging on about the 270% Canadian tariff on American products. He still won't believe the NYTimes editorial that explained that the U.S. exports $700 million of dairy products to Canada, and the U.S. only buys $400 million of Canadian dairy.
I keep explaining that if there was a 270% Canadian tariff on all U.S. dairy, there wouldn't be any U.S.
dairy exported to Canada. My Texan has an MBA,
he doesn't get it.
5
Lovely!
1
I strongly suggest "America Made Great Again" for the movie title.
Yes who would believe such a story, but what about the part where the protagonist lusting after his daughter publicly. Surely that should be included.
9
I wanted to laugh, but I just couldn't. I'm usually a cynic and appreciate satire, but it just fell flat for me today. I guess it's all finally sinking in. Trump is more than the buffoon we've laughed at all these months. He could very well be a criminal. This is sad news, even for those who've opposed him. It's one thing to laugh at his gracelessness, his misspellings, his garbled speeches and grandiose notions of himself. But, what's going on now really isn't funny. At least, right now it isn't. Maybe tomorrow.
4
@Ms. Pea trump has always been a crook. Most Americans just chose to not pay attention, or didn't care.
His long abandoned casinos in New Jersey were built by small business contractors who didn't get paid. He finally made money recently on one of them, when he sold it to the owners of Hard Rock Casinos.
And, he told us what a despicable man he is regarding wormen. He bragged about that on the Access Hollywood tape. Maybe, you might still find it online.
The ugliness of this electoral college president has always been out there.
2
Do not forget that Trump is also the greatest demagogue since Hitler (who also mangled his native language).
1
And there are still some people who think TV is better.
No entiendo.
2
The satire would be funny if it weren't so true. The joke about dogs was the only part that got a chuckle out of me. It's true: People really hate dog haters. Bad parents? Most people shrug. Not my place. You start mistreating a cute puppy though? Watch out! Frankenstein's monster has an easier time in public.
I was actually talking about this recently. I wish our western allies would get together and give Trump a dog. The gift could act as a symbol of their unwavering loyalty. The joke would go down in the history books for sure. You don't need to feel bad for the dog either; Trump doesn't even take care of his own children. There'll be a paid employee around to watch out for the dog.
7
@Andy If our western allies gave trump a dog, Huckabee Sanders would be the one looking out for it. She looks like she could use a friend.
2
Trump's philosophy (albeit he's probably not smart enough to know it's his philosophy):
The best place to hide is in the biggest lies you can find.
I love Gail Collin's take on this, as there is so much truth in the humor. Alas, It's just too soon for me to laugh about it.
7
This script is better than "Sharknado VI". Reality TV meets Sci-Fi meets Comedy Central meets Law & Order".....Can't Miss
4
A great piece of much-needed satire that helps us to better understand that these current times, which in many ways seem frighteningly normal (was it like this in 1930's Germany?), are insane.
Certainly I would never consume this story by choice, whether it is a book, a movie, TV show, or whatever. I've never watched reality TV in my life but now I am forced to be in the audience, along with all of the rest of us, of an all-consuming, horrifying spectacle. Unfortunately, I don't think there is a happy ending to this, especially when nearly half of the audience thinks this reality show is a smash hit. And like any horror show, we will never be able to forget it even after the lead is replaced.
21
Just way too bizarre to believe. Suspension of disbelief is just not possible. Ever thought about writing a superhero script?
1
Well done. Too bad it is all true, except for the part that people won't believe it.
6
Two words: Brilliantly funny.
15
Ms. Collins, while you write satire in jest, let me assure you that somewhere, at this very instant someone is working on the script for a new series or movie or documentary along the lines of "The Defendant". Impeachment and trial as entertainment and reality TV. Imagine the ratings.
13
Gail,
This would be humorous if it weren't all sadly and insanely true.
4
One thing I can say for certain about this movie. There will not be a dry eye in the house.
3
The problem is that this is not a movie, but an ongoing series.
13
"The problem is that this is not a movie, but an ongoing series."
We can only hope it gets canceled before season two.
3
You forgot that their version includes the simple "fact" that the President is in some textbook category (or a gigantic mix of categories) marked mentally ill or insane and that cable commentators spend endless amounts of time trying to pin down the exact categories, describe them, and fit them to the President's latest interview response, caper, or Twitter comment (don't forget to include his addiction to Twitter whatever you do).
3
Imagine the Trump presidency told as a story in another country, a banana republic somewhere. Same characters, different names and places. Most Americans would read it as "just another banana republic" but when it is happening here in real time 50% of Americans seem blind to it. The last things to know they live in water are fish.
6
Made me smile. Laughing is painful at this stage of the Trump presidency.
3
The Old Lady may not be famous for its sense of humor, but Gail Collins sure more than makes up for that. My favorite: the veiled reference to the parking ticket fixing scandal when Ralph Giuliani was NYC's "reform" mayor.
Clever, Gail, clever.
5
Well, yes, it would make a lousy script, but isn't that the whole point of reality TV? What do you need writers for if you can just get people to behave badly for the camera?
Since our institutions have quite literally been turned into reality TV by this crowd, I find it so sickening that it is beyond parody. I know we need to laugh, Gail, but I can't laugh at that.
13
The next time (could be in a day or so) Trump goes to West Virginia coal mine/MAGA hat rally he can declare;
“I’m a crook” - and one up his mentor Nixon.
Even more thoughts and prayers will be needed.
2
@Dry Socket, It would be like the end of Iron Man, where Tony Stark goes off script and announces "I am Iron Man!" and the audience breaks into wild applause. Same deal. Trump: "I am a Crook!" and his adoring fans break into unrestrained glee and admiration.
Sigh.
"Truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense" - Leo Rosten.
4
Gail, this may be the best piece you've ever shared with us all. Thanks.
3
Is Michael Moore working on this? No it wouldn't be satire, but it would be enlightening. Then as contrast, whoever produces VEEP should be put to work on the satirical rendering of this farce we call a government, maybe with input from the writers of The Americans?
8
Thanks, Gail. I loved it (unfortunately?). Sigh... if only it were just a weird movie script.
16
Sounds great! Producer, director, finance, book, screenplay and casting by RNC and you have a sure thing.
8
The truth is alternative facts are stranger than fiction.
2
Speaking of casting...who will be playing Maggie, Peter, Michael, etc in the future movie?
1
Funny, scary, sad. terrifying. And I am reminded yet again that nothing about Donald Trump's behavior is truly a surprise; he showed us all of his in his campaign. The disappointing surprise is the audience.
7
LOL! Thanks.
I am visualizing the current VP as Uriah Heep from "David Copperfield" but I'm not a movie buff so can't think of an appropriate actor.
5
It positively screams “reality show.” And at the end of each episode someone gets indicted.
16
Also, Charlotte and Fred:
The children seem like improbable plots.
A daughter attending a respectable law school while all of his isn’t occurring?
Another daughter and son-in-law with zero governing experience beingkey White House staff and the son-in-law responsible for taking from State Department he took ask of being lead man responsible for Middle East relations?
And the eldest son, who fostered a pre-election meeting with Russians, with goal of obtaining from the Russians spying dirt on an election opponent of the father? And then the same son dating one of the most popular conservative tv anchor women as the son’s wife begins divorce proceedings?
Aren’t these too many outlandish plots?
23
How about including Congress as a high-stepping clumsy chorus line? They have plenty of free time. They're sure not legislating.
8
@Cone: They're spending four hours each per day just grubbing for campaign contributions.
@Cone
Not legislating.......what’s so bad about that?!?
Thanks Gail. I just love Donald Trump. He is my President. I will vote for him again and again. Too bad he can only serve 8 years.
Chris, I'm sure he wants you (and others) to vote for him TWO more times, bless your heart!
1
Sounds like you’d make an exception to term limits when it comes to your mad king.
@Chris Anderson "You lie!"
1
Hollywood could not have come up with the soap opera that is the Trump presidency. Truth is stranger than fiction.
4
Anyone else find that this entire game of “what if this had happened instead of that?” might not be the best way to live life?
Just a thought.
Nice job, Gail. So good to have your winsome wisdom back again.
Of course there will be a film (or films) made of this mess and one wonders if how it could possible be exaggerated beyond the awful reality we are living through. No doubt our screen writers will find a way.
11
It's really funny...except it's not really that funny because it's real, no matter how outlandish.
It's like the 2 fathers of the Declaration and Constitution dying on the same day--the fiftieth anniversary of the 4th of July--not believable if it wasn't real.
4
I hate to be the spoil sport, but not everything is a joke. A big part of how we got where we are is that everything is treated as not quite important enough to be taken seriously.
Add to that the "clever" idea that "well, if this were a MOVIE, we could have things exactly the way we want them!". It isn't a movie, and this isn't going to help.
We've ended up with a "reality" president, and "reality" shows passing for press briefings. But hey, it's all just a joke, right?
@1DCAce
I think Gail is writing this column as an example of Tragi-Comedy. As is often said, you can't make this stuff up. Her point is if this scenario were proposed as a TV show it would be rejected as too over-the-top to be believed, and yet here we are. She didn't even include the scene where the President meets with Russians and Russian media, without any Americans, in the Oval Office right after firing the head of the FBI and tells them he has solved the Russian problem. Haha. Then we learn what happened from Russian media. What a hoot. Who would believe that plot line?
9
Great, Gail! You are a national treasure. Thank you.
5
Yes, reality is worse then one could have ever imagined. The scariest part of this script? The members of Congress looking the other way. There is just one way for Congress to retain the trust this country need to function as a democracy: use your powers as given by the founding fathers and take back control from this corrupt White House.
10
@Barteke, Alas, the poor fools neglected to use their Article I Section 8 powers to regulate the militia they armed with 10 million assault weapons, and now they have no idea what it will do if Trump is obstructed in any way
1
This genre-defying script is dystopian drama, outrageous black comedy, and documentary.
The flying puppy-rabbit scene is great, even without the details that ended on the cutting-room floor ("The indictment also accuses Hunter of illegally using the money to cover delinquent dentist bills, his children's private school tuition, a $600 plane ticket for the family's pet rabbit, and a $462 bill for 30 tequila shots and one steak").
5
My abiding hope is that the producer of the inevitable TV series about this chaotic time will manage to convince Martin Scorsese to play Giuliani.
p.
5
If only this was fantasy instead of the all-to-real national nightmare we are all being subjected to.
Vote D in November!
3
CREDITS ROLL
Is that the sun setting in the distance, or Liam walking away in an orange jumpsuit?
7
No need to change the pet rabbit to a fuzzy dog because the actual pet rabbit story would do fine. Hunter was angry because he said it was his kids' bunny rabbit, he hated it and would just as soon have seen the rabbit boiled in a stew.
Glad this is just a fantasy tale made up by Gail and didn't really happen. That would be terrible.
3
Another “true is stranger than fiction” yarn.
Any other story would be funny. Since we’re dealing with the de-evolution of our country. Not so much.
1
Great piece. Watching Trump's cult rallies I find myself wondering, aren't these people parents or teachers or at the least familiar with children and their transparent ways?
I'm reminded of the time when my brother at age 3-4, wet his bed and claimed actually it wasn't him, there was a fire in the night and naturally the firemen had to show up and put it out with water.
Did anyone mock or yell at him? No, it made sense in regard to his stage of development, the imaginative excuse of a little boy who was embarrassed and couldn't own his accident. That is a far cry from a seventy something year old man who is not just a transparent, pathological liar, but is intentionally and broadly destructive in every possible way.
13
Sarah Huckabee Sanders keeps telling us that our law and order president has "done nothing wrong" because he hasn't been charged. Why won't we believe her. Because she forgot to add "yet."
19
Yes, we are teetering on insanity.
9
Hilarious and spot on! I do wonder how this whole embarrassing reality show is affecting show pitches in Hollywood. Is every hack writer now given free reign? (Not to mention, will every 2-bit tycoon now run for POTUS? I hear there’s lots of Executive Time in the job.)
2
I've got to admit this was funny. Who will play Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Lindsey Graham and Omarosa? Sadly I wish this were a movie script or a political novel rather than the true and present danger to our democracy.
5
@Rose Don't forget the "mooch."
For true irony, how about the Rock as Senate Majority Leader? Averaged out between real and ideal, though heavily weighted towards the Rock, they make an almost normal looking human.
Gail, your plot and character outlines are so yesterday! The Michael Cohen subpoena from the New York Attorney General investigating the Trump foundation would transform the movie script proposal into a science fiction comedy.
The listing of the President & his 3 oldest children on the civil suite that generated the subpoena, and the resulting elimination of presidential pardons as a plot devise, completely blows the inevitable "and they all lived happily ever after" ending everyone expects.
Well, you know where this is going. There is just no market for a Quentin Tarantino/Hunter Thompson (on acid) project that depends on a 60 white male midwestern G.E.D audience for ticket sales.
Try to work up something with Sly Stallone or Schwartzenegger based on an embattled real estate mogul fighting to escape from Washington, (or what's left of it)
2
Beautiful, Gail. But all the characters are too bizarre and all round creepy to pass for real. So here's the obvious question:
How many episodes of American Greed will it take to cover just Donald Trump Sr. himself?
I can't count on living long enough to watch his entire family and administration.
10
As Mark Twain said, "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."
What is also stranger than fiction is a Republican base. Charlotte and Fred have neglected to fully develop this key component of their script and Larry overlooks this failure.
Note to Charlotte and Fred: Consider adapting your script to a different country, such as Iran, or Cuba where the (mandatory) support of the people for the bizarre leader you have created will be more believable. Even Russia comes to mind.
20
"As Mark Twain said, "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.'" Aah, so that's where Rudy got his declaration that "Truth isn't truth." Suddenly it all makes sense. Thanks, @jabarry.
1
Confirmation bias is the tendency to believe evidence that confirms your pre-existing belief and conversely to reject any evidence that challenges your beliefs. Given Donald Trump's endlessly exposed lack of integrity and his unhinged performance as president, I think we need to invent a stronger term for his unshakable supporters--"confirmation insanity".
8
What is wrong with America that, a mere 45 years after Watergate we are in another, even worse, scandal?
And what is wrong with Republicans that is again their party?
I know you keep things light Gail, but this isn't funny.
7
If I could walk out of this movie, I'd run.
5
Compromised is exactly the right word. He is hopelessly and irrevocably compromised.
But let's not get too excited - his followers still support him. I talked with an elderly man in a city park last week who hasn't seen a penny of Trump's tax cut, but brags about how high the stock market is - and demands to know why the democrats love open borders, even though Obama deported more illegal immigrants than Bush - and says MS13 is coming for all of us - and Hillary is a criminal. He was a charming man, in spite of his blind refusal to listen to actual facts - he promised to be sitting on that very park bench in two years when Trump is reelected so we could chat again about Donald Trump.
The stuff of nightmares.
13
The trouble is about a third of the audience is not walking out. They want to buy tickets to see the show again. ?????
14
Cinema, possibly, but it’s all so wacky that full-blown opera might do it more justice. I’ve got some ideas for lyrics. Songs like ‘Collusion, Fake News, Truth, Ugly Dog, Cohen on the Wire, Sarah Spins, Loving Vlad’ ....and well..many more. Costumes already obvious, as is the theatrical makeup. Cast may be available for low,low, felons-on-day-pass rates.
4
Brava, Gail. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction. And an embarrassment to the country.
2
On a related topic, since the recent unfortunate election I have felt like I was in a Philip K. Dick novel every time I hear on NPR "Today President Trump said ..."
5
The marvelous and creative attempts at humor that is used as digs at the POTUS isn't really funny. We have come to a point in this horror show of POTUS and his sycophants where their collective actions and inactions have resulted in deaths, loss of jobs, rising prices and dishonor to our founders' vision. I read your column admiring your creative take on our collective disaster but I was crying.
3
Thank you, Gail, for allowing me to snicker at this Trumpollywood script. If only this were the reality, I would not have to live through it but could boycott it. You’re right: it’s too insane to believe and who would buy such baloney?
3
Some think this is too serious to joke about but I think there is something we all need to learn from this nightmare before an even worse one unfolds. And let's face it, most of us lose track of the main plot line in the intentional daily Trump distractions. We need a way to understand the whole sweep of this sprawling epic, including the nefarious international undercurrents of money, organized crime, state sponsored corruption and cyber madness.
I'm thinking something more operatic, like Faust, with Putin as Mephistocles, the creature from the underworld who trades Trump's soul for worldly success.
And I certainly hope Bob Woodword is exercising his talent for the inside story. His book "Plan of Attack" laid out the horrendous story of the W Bush Administration compromising the integrity of both CIA and State to initiate the Iraq War, which cost $6 trillion, killed a half million people and spawned ISIS.
With John Bolton as NSA and Pompeo at State, this nightmare could be repeated.
10
"How many characters, by the way, can get indicted before the credibility fizzles?"
The world has been asking itself that very same question for 2 years. As with every American TV show we keep watching, but this time we just can't figure it out, neither what you are trying to tell us or why.
8
I agree that there's really nothing funny about any of this, except that I find humor of any kind when unearthed, dragged to the surface, and applied to these dark, dystopian days a welcome relief . . . rain in the desert (or in Southern Oregon, where it's really needed right now: drought, forest fires and all . . . but of course, that would necessitate paying attention to That Which Shall Not Be Named: Climate Change/Global Warming as well as to a state that went blue in 2016. We're not even getting paper towels tossed in our direction.). As for the casting, I know she's over-rated, but Meryl Streep would, of course, be genius -- although Laura Benanti may already have the market cornered; and just yesterday I was watching the apricot toddler's Medal of Honor Awards ceremony and thought to myself, "Boy, that Alec Baldwin has him down pat . . ." until I realized it wasn't Alec Baldwin at all but the person he impersonates. So Liam Neeson might have to be bumped aside in favor of the more practiced Mr. Baldwin. No matter; thanks for the morning laugh. Going back now to the more depressing (and yes, tragic) news of the day.
67
An elegant demonstration of how satire, here at it's finest, can soften the blows of our agonizing reality. Thanks, Gail, for understanding this and contributing to what's left of our equanimity. Remember the old saying, "You might as well laugh or you'd cry."
94
@Hugh Beebe: Gail was fabulous in this column, and I like her changes in the script. When is the opening?
3
Thanks, Gail, for reminding us that truth is stranger than fiction, and that it's a whole lot scarier too. Let's hope that, in the end, the truth will set us free of this corrupt president.
77
Sorry. Your a great writer but your current offering isn't in the least bit funny. What's happening to this country is devastating. I think of the majority of people in this country who are struggling to afford and maintain adequate health care for their young families or aging parents. I observe all the American citizens who are scrambling to pay their taxes, rent and college loans while they read about their country's leaders plotting to stash money in offshore bank accounts. I watch the environment and natural diversity of this planet collapse and disappear as the wealthy oil oligarchs fuel efforts to pump more pollution into the atmosphere, ignoring decades of scientific research and claiming that Climate Change is a hoax. I observe people of all ages obsessively addicted to their mobile devices and incapable of having a conversation that involves more than 120 characters while social media moguls hit pay dirt by selling all their personal information and data to the highest bidder. Even more tragic, I watch a majority of our Senators and Congressional Leaders apathetically look away, keep their mouths shut and throw up their hands with expressions of "Don't Look At Me" on their faces. It's disgusting, deplorable and tragic. What will it take for the people of this country to wake up? It's not funny, It's tragic.
45
@Leslie374 I completely agree with what you say - these things weigh on me too all the time - but once in a while you need to at least poke fun at and laugh at the people who have caused so many of our problems. Satire both makes the consumer of it feel better for a moment, and serves as a caustic hot poker at the wrongdoer.
52
@Leslie374, I sure hope that in addition to spending your energy and time whining that you're spending them on gretting involved in politics to do something about fixing all the things you're complaining about and at the very least, voting. It wasn't the people who voted that gave us Trump, it was all the people who didn't vote, especially the Bernie Bros, and it looks like it is going to happen again this year and in 2020
20
@Leslie374
You're, of course , right Leslie, but Ms. Collins is tongue-in-cheek which makes it so sad.
I've discussed with friends that had they asked me to 'construct' the most despicable character possible to be president of this country my qualities would be less awful than what we have.
2
Thank you, Gail. This column was genius. Sometimes one gets so shell-shocked after reading the daily headlines and then panicked for America. But you've made it almost palatable. Thank you so much.
45
This soap opera is just further proof that reality can be stranger than fiction. Think of any author of political thrillers and he/she would be hard pressed to come up with this story line.
18
Well, I wanted to walk out at the opening credits myself but I was barely able to crawl to breakfast after I heard the news, morning after the count.
65
@SFR Daniel When is the end?!
I have come to believe that when Kurt Vonnegut died and ascended to the left hand of God, the chair on the other side being taken, he asked for only one thing. "Father, I always wanted to be a scriptwriter for a REALLY big show." And God, impressed with the man's works on Earth, gave him one season. "But don't disappoint me, my son." Clearly, he hasn't.
37
@Borden
Nailed it. [Relieved that it's only one season, thank God.]
1
Thank you Gail, I needed the laugh, thou after the events of the last few days I have finally been able to sleep better knowing the walls are all closing in on him.Oh I almost forget 'Truth is stranger than fiction'
41
Unfortunately they already made a movie of this presidency, a long time ago. It was Back to the Future 2, where Biff actually got the almanac and then the power to create a complete dystopia.
The actor cast actually works for this "president", too.
12
There are models we can learn from particularly Herman Wouk's Commander Queeg in "The Caine Mutiny" and Willie Stark, the protagonist in Robert Penn Warren's "All the King's Men." Queeg is unhinged while Stark is corrupt. Blend these characters and with some tweaking, we have our guy in the Oval Office.
White House staff and Cabinet members? Jimmy Breslin's "The Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight," provides all the imagination requires.
20
@Doc: Mr. Smith goes to Washington. We're still waiting for Jimmy Stewart!
3
Well done, as always Ms. Collins. As they say “ truth is stranger than fiction.” I wish none of this was happening, and yet, here we are. I hope our invertebrate Congress grows a spine soon, but I won’t hold my breath.
27
Too True to be Good!
13
Shaw wrote that play about T. E. Lawrence. Thanks for the reference. It led me to imagine Lawrence leading 4 or 5 thousand men on camels into D. C. to take care of our problem.
1
In 1945 at the end of WW2 my parents took me to Times Square for VJ day ,though a young boy, I remembered the city being so happy and festive, when Trump steps down from office as the seat there gets too hot under his bottom, I would hope we have that same style celebration in front of Trump tower.
86
More casting suggestions:
Zombie dancers, like those in M. Jackson's Thriller video, would be good for the Republican Senators, Congresspersons and Cabinet. All dancing along in a mindless lockstep, Pence in the lead.
Or the existing ones from DC could just act as themselves, crawling up from the swamp. Who'd know the difference?
The trump base could be played by child actors hyped up on excess sugar and unable to take direction in any scene.
Corporate CEOs could be animated from some of the Jurassic Park critters. Goldman Sacs, of course, to be played by the Jaws shark.
Ah, those improbable late summer movies...
35
@Myrasgrandotter One more suggestion: when the drump's mouthpiece is written-in, just have some grip with a hand-truck roll-in "The Scream".
And Pence can be played by an department store dummy of an albino. Just wheel him in for his scenes where he stands behind the lead staring off to the distant horizon, unblinking and creepy. A few strong nods of his head (note: use string to get this effect) and the occasional gormless smile when the lead says something crude.
106
As Sid Caesar might have said, we need more gorm. Plus some couth, please.
3
@Mat Pence should be played by Martin Mull.
3
@Mat
Ha! Cheapest actor ever on SNL.
2
When it has reached this level of absurdity, a sense of humor surrenders to simply re-telling the facts. Good column!
26
And no one will believe that the main man could possibly hire so many of the best, most accomplished people, fire them and keep finding more best people. Not to mention so many "best words" emanating from one character!
16
It's a good thing "the truth is not the truth," as Rudy recently explained. Great column.
19
Dear Mandy, Larry, et al.:
Thank you for your interest in my script. However, with all due respect, I find your incredulity perplexing. All you have to do is consider the 30-40% of our electorate and you’ll realize that my script is not all that preposterous. In fact, I believe other studios will opine I hadn’t gone far enough.
Should you change your mind and accept my script AS IS, the title I’ve decided on is going to be "In a Democracy, People Get the Leaders They Deserve.”
30
Gail,
I so wish that it was all a tv show or a nightmare dream but unfortunately for this country, it is our reality. I cannot just turn the tv off in disgust or wake up in a sweat. Every day is another lie, another scandal, and the GOP in Congress eerily quiet and complicit.
26
Sadly, there should be a role for the Republican lawmaker that stands up to the corrupt Administration and makes sure justice is served. Only in the movies I guess.
34
Sorry Gail, we all do love you; but, this is way past this kind of humor. Thx for trying. Each sentence is a knife in the ribs. It is not funny; it is frightening; and, it is not an illusion.
5
@Fabienne Caneaux Satire is meant to expose horrible situations by exaggeration, not humor. Sadly, it's nearly impossible to find anything/one to expose. The emperor is running around naked (I'm throwing up now), and all his followers are madly admiring his wardrobe! Remember Dr.Strangelove?
2
Thank you, what a great idea! But Liam Neeson as a villain? Isn't he too sofisticated, too refined for the role? Alec Baldwin maybe, loved him in SNL.
15
This series should never have been green-lighted in the first place. What were they thinking?
33
This is good! Thank you. Whenever I thought it could not get any worse, it did. Whenever I thought something could not possibly happen, it did. Whenever I thought this Republican Congress had no choice but to finally take up their Constitutional oversight duties, they declined to.
20
This script is lacking in one more twist. There needs to be an ambitious Christian Values person who agrees to help the protagonist become elected, but has designs on the top job himself.
Once in office, he leaks sensitive information about the campaign to the press to help along his own cause and turn this country into a Christian Republic of America.
23
I have long ago stopped being able to even produce a hint of a chuckle at the thought of the real nightmare of criminal presidential behavior that we are enduring every day. Thanks for trying, though.
12
It is quite a farce! Oftentimes I wish it was already out on DVD so I could fast-forward to the end - I can't wait to see what happens...
and for it to be over already.
30
@Hope
At age 77 I often wonder whether I'll live long enough to see the end. Sometimes I want to; sometimes I hope I won't.
4
@Hope "This DVD will self-destruct ..."