The Absolute Necessity of the New-Mom Friend

I am constantly astounded that we have somehow survived as a species for over 200,000 years by procreating.

Human beings haven’t evolved much past the days of hunter-gatherers? Who would have imagined such a thing.

I suspect you meant no slur, but La Leche League does not demonstrate! They support women who want to breastfeed. They formed in the 50s, a time when most women were bottle-feeding and/or had been bottle-fed and there was little information and support for breastfeeding.

I met my dear friend Karen 31 years ago through the visiting nurse who was attending my son after his open heart surgery. She was the same visiting nurse for her son who had had heart surgery four months earlier. Her first message to me was “ I have been down your path, if there is anything I can do to help you I’m here”. We are still friends today as are our sons.

I'm still close with my new-mom friend, over 33 years later. Texting wasn't an option, but had it been, we'd have texted each other at all hours. Instead, we called: "Marc just drank "Shout", should I call Poison Control?" (Marc just became a father for the first time.) We spent time together, supported each other, and were it not for her, I don't think I would've been able to face each day because life had changed so dramatically. And we continued through our second pregnancies, too. Now we support each other thru the weirdness of having adult children, thru new life transitions with aging and dying parents, friends, and with our own aging. "Absolute" and "Necessity" are perfect descriptive words for this primary relationship. Thank you, Ms. Sullivan. And thank you to my dear friend, Abby.

I don’t have kids (yet) and would in any event be a father. But I’m struck here by the apparent absence of courses for new parents in the US. Here, many, many new parents take NCT classes with parents expecting a child at a similar time and form friendships with local parents in a similar situation. They’re run by a charity and offer concessions and discounts on a means-tested basis. People on the courses often form WhatsApp groups to talk so there is someone in a similar position who may well put up in the middle of the night. Surely there should be some scope for new parents to form networks and friendships along these lines? The relationships in this article seem haphazard - and while wonderful when they’re formed, we could and should do more to help new parents form them and find friends.

Somebody else wrote about a similar experience. I lost my best friend after she started a family. Suddenly I was at the end of her priorities which were: kids, career, husband. Now after the kids are on their own and after her divorce, I am in her sight again. But for me it isn't working. This was a painful experience.

I would just like to put in a good word for LA Leche League 26 years ago, it was where I made new-mom friends My husband ate I were the first of our crew to have a child. I’m adopted and my mom had a stillborn child before they ultimately decided to adopt, so late term pregnancy and childbirth were not discussion I would inflict on her. Once women connected with others in their tribe, village, or suburban street Today we do it in La Leche League or online. The connection is what matters, not the means to that end.

I appreciated this essay and it happens to be that my experience has been very similar to the writer’s. Regardless, I must say that the comments here fall into that extraordinarily vast and sneaky realm of mom-shaming. We do not all have the luxury of living near family, nor having friends in the same life stage during baby years. And while my husband is terrific and a wonderful dad, it does our marriage good for me to spread some of my happily obsessive baby talk outside of our home! The writer describes friendships that are meaningful to her, but she is not recommending some system. Why would we question an experience in her life more than we would question the way anyone happened to fall in love and his or her Modern Love essay??

It must be because the author’s experience so mirrors my own, but I cannot handle the extent to which these comments all say some version of “well she’s doing this wrong. She’s texting too much/too late. She should have connected with her husband/mother/mother-in-law/Neighbors/etc” Have we decided that we are all experts on motherhood and there is only one right way to do it? And has it really reached the point where it is controversial to say “I felt lost in the middle of the night and texted a friend?” Yikes. Really, judging this sweet essay on finding friendship while parenting a newborn. Great work.

When I was about to have my oldest child I confided in an older friend of mine - a gal I hugely admired who had three children and we had worked closely together as teachers; she was fifteen/twenty years older - about what wd I do if I didn't have any relevant friends? In other words, who were going to be my compatriots. 'Don't be ridiculous,' she said calmly. 'You don't need lots of friends to share this with you. You need one '. Fast forward. I found my one friend. We shared five children together, one pediatrician, one school, two husbands, lots of meals at the diner - she tuna sandwich with ketchup, me pea soup - and many dinners us nine and then - later - us four. Her daughter just got married. I sat next to her hubby. She was on the other side. It's a lovely time. Enjoy it.

My best friends through 1st year of my daughter's life were my mother and my mother-in-law. They were absolutely great. They took it over when I was about to strangle my daughter. They talked me out of my worries. Sure, they have their idea about raising children which I may not accept, but they were there when I need a minute to sleep, they were there when my child had a first tooth, they were there when my child was sick. It was such a great help, that I only wish every woman has. Yes, I did have friends and acquaintances who were young and had same age children, and I valued them too, but really when I hadn't slept through the night because of the crying baby, I rather have my mother in law who takes over and let me sleep for a couple of hours, then my friend who was having same problem.

I was puzzled about why the fathers of the babies in question were not the primary confidantes with whom to discuss their children. I do not recognize the necessity described in this article. It seems to assume that neither the father nor the extended family of relatives can fulfill the functions described, which does not match with mothering experiences I know about.

As an adoptive parent of an infant, I had nothing to say (and little interest) in mommy groups where all they seemed to talk about were their bellies, boobs and bottoms...fortunately I came across a new parent group formed by a local Synagogue (to which I did not belong). Out of five families, three of us had just adopted. What a lifesaver! For various reasons, I am not in touch with any of these women 25 years later, but at the time I was awfully glad to have their company, support and friendship. Around the same time I joined the group, I also “met” another new adoptive mom on a chat board, and we still email several times a week.

Yay! Made it all the way through without using the word "father"! (Oh - but you lose the right to complain about having to do more than 1/2 the work of parenting.)

For hundreds of thousands of years, women managed to birth and raise children without texting, and this by having actual community and friends and neighbors and extended family. If the life you have created is so isolated and devoid of real human connection and community that you get off on texting with some stranger, that is a sad portent for the children.

No really you don't need to text someone at 2am. And who answers texts at 2am? Nor do you need a bunch of rando people to become your besties in order to get through birthing and raising kids. I had more than enough people who I had actual existing relationships with to offer advice and comfort - son like me were first time mothers in their late thirties and others had older kids. The best thing however, was that three partners at my firm gave birth in 3 month intervals and we were able to drop and pick up some of each others matters in succession and then hand then back - we each really had an opportunity to learn and beef-up parts of our practice areas and now have five gorgeous kids among us.

We need mom friends because in this modern era, we have lost the female community who supported and protected new moms in centuries past. The whole new mom experience was rough. Very lonely, especially in a big city.

As a childless woman, I have lost many female friends over the years after they become mothers. I have been there for their pregnancies, baby showers, fertility treatments and C sections. I have shown up at the hospital when their babies are born. I have kept calling and texting, listening and showing up. I have cared. I have come to considered some of these kids as family. Never forgotten a birthday, a school play or a game. But no matter how hard I have tried, it has never been enough. Sooner or later I have been replaced by newer friends with children of their own. If I had a penny for every initially friendly interaction that has abruptly ended when I answer the question: do you have children? I would be pretty wealthy indeed. No. I don’t have children. It does not mean I don’t have the capacity to have empathy for what a new mother goes through. It does not mean I don’t want to continue to be my friends’s friend when they have a baby.

I have a group of online friends with whom I have shared motherhood for 17 years now. We have had various gatherings over the years, and daily check-ins, since we are scattered all over the world. We have carried each other through babies, toddlers, teenagers, college, divorces, marriages, new jobs, deaths, miscarriages, transitions in gender identity, celebrations of joy, and the sharing of sorrow. I could not imagine motherhood without them.

Jeez...I can accept that because of their shared experiences, these mothers can give each other something that their husbands can't, but as a husband who went through two intense pregnancies and deliveries with my wife, I'd at least like to see some acknowledgment that husbands exists. We do; we love our wives and our kids; we share their hopes and fears, as they share ours; we're an inextricable part of this. We fully support anything that makes life easier for our wives and the mothers of our children, but we'd rather not be completely read out of the text. Please.

My daughters live far from me, and as motherhood may be in their near future I am happy to read that such a thing as new-mom text friends exist. I'll be there with texting and Facetime but nothing beats having someone go through it with you.

Courtney this is great! Your essay brought a smile to my face because these kinds of connections in life are to be treasured. I love that your friend Steph connected you to your new texting friend! In the old days we took our babies to the park and by chance might meet life long friends. We also went on play dates with our children, and not to mention the moms we met at school drop off & pick up. Today all that has changed. Nannies take the children to the park & to their play dates as well as picking the kids up from school. All those wonderful opportunities to share experiences, to work out childhood challenges together is lost. 50 years later I still fondly remember those friendships made at the park & at school.

I think the more important takeaway from this is the importance of having friends, period. When my kids were small, I had a couple of very close female friends. None of them were mothers (I was the first). But I relied on their understanding and support. I occasionally used my maternal experience to soften up female strangers but I never felt particularly close to another human being just because she went through the same physiological process as I did. But friends are a different matter altogether. This was before the age of the social media and in a different country but I still keep in touch - Facebook makes it easier. Still, I find the absence of really close friendships, male or female, in the US sad and disconcerting. I grew up with the idea that a real friend will take a bullet for you. Judging by this standard, exchanging text message in the middle of the night doesn’t come close.

After reading this article, it reminded me of what I went through after the birth of my first child. Now I think, what luxury to worry about milk supply, nipple pain and sleepless nights. I gave birth to my second child a month ago, a newborn who will require heart surgery. It’s been endless doctors appointments and administering medications several times a day. I gave up on modesty when I nursed my daughter in waiting rooms, doctor’s offices and hospital cafes. I even breastfed her lying on an exam table while she was getting an echocardiogram. If anything, this experience has taught me to count my blessings and stay in the moment. Now more than ever, I’ve needed the support of other moms, and I’m grateful for my network of friends.

I feel sadness that we used to know so much through a kind of genetic understanding, when communities were a little smaller, a little tighter. All the new mothers who have to navigate today's world with all its distance and speed have my empathy. As a man I'll try to live under the knowledge Ms. Sullivan has shared here. I suppose in the Anthropocene that we are urged to accept now, the new normal will be to accommodate the spaces we've created between us with digital media.

The friendship that was strengthened through pregnancy and the birth of our sons all saw us through sore nipples, pre-school, potty training, moves out of the country, across the country, back in the same town, grade school, lice (!), middle school (made it!), high school, missed curfews, questionable behavior, college apps, college graduations (both well and truly launched!), a divorce after 30 years (she was my refuge, my lifeline to sanity), and, as of last week, both our sons turning 30. Friendship seems fully defined here, yet only one word to describe what began with a magnificent coincidence of timing.

What a shame that women no longer have neighbors or friends to turn to with a new baby. When I had my children, I lived on a one-block long street that had 25 children on the block (okay - one family did have 10 children!). I had all the support I could possible need right on my doorstep. I also had friends from the women's guild at my church. In fact, two women I met there, are still very close friends, 49 years and two out-of-state moves later. But no one needs to be texting/calling another new mother or anyone else 10-20 time daily! Somehow, I think these women were the ones doing that with their own mothers when they went to college! For that matter, do these women not have mothers/sisters? When my children were little, if the weather was nice, all the mothers were out front watching their young children play on the sidewalks. We would visit. In the winter, we gathered at a couple of houses with basement playrooms. We'd sit and enjoy a cup of tea while our babies/toddlers played. I cannot imagine why anyone would dread making friends with other women who are at the same stage in life as they are. It's how women have coped for thousands of years! It's why longtime friendships can wither when one is not just at the same life stage as another. No one who is not married or does not have children, really want to hear discussions about the best brands of nursing pads to buy! As to all this competition? Geeze, find some nicer friends.