As an only child growing up I always did chores. Dishes, vacuuming, laundry. My mom worked days and my Dad worked nights so I used to start dinner (I loved to cook) and once a week after school my dad would take me to shop rite with a blank check and I would do the food shopping off a list my mom left me. When I got older my mom would pay me $50 to clean the house top to bottom once a week. Most of my friends also had chores but a few didn't. Chores are tedious but knowing how to clean and cook is a basic life skill that every parent should teach their kids. It's pathetic when you see twenty somethings who can't even cook a complete meal for themselves and live in a messy house like a teenager still waiting for mom to clean it up.
46
I didn't do chores, we had grandma. My kids never did chores, there was a housekeeper. Everybody turned out fine. Chores are highly overrated.
24
@AMM: Turned out fine...in whose opinion?
62
Another thing helping with housework teaches is time management. I had a roommate in college (3 bedroom apartment with 5 girls and no dishwasher) who didn’t do dishes during finals because she “didn’t have time.” She was also too busy to help clean the apartment prior to our move-out walk-through. (She also pulled ridiculous all nighters, even more insane because she has a serious medical condition that was exacerbated by sleep deprivation). Letting your kids not do chores because they should focus on school is no different than saying they don’t need to shower because they have to focus on school. There are certain basic tasks that always need to be done and part of life is learning how to fit them in.
138
My dad, a gun-ho military man, and my mother, who before marriage had graduated first in her OCS class in the WAC, both expected my sister and I to participate in keeping our household clean, neat and functioning. We had “duty rosters” posted in the kitchen listing who was responsible for what that week, e.g., emptying the garbage, washing dishes, vacuuming, etc. Our rooms were clean and our beds were made each morning. We were expected to help prepare and then clean-up after the mandatory entertaining expected of an officer. Each time we moved, we helped make sure our housing quarters were as clean and unmarked as it was when we first moved in.
We were not unusual— other Army brats were raised the same way. I didn’t realize how many civilians grew up as slobs or were waited on by moms until I left for college. While I understand that my upbringing may sound harsh to some, it really was just part of being a family unit. I also learned some life skills that have helped me survive what has turned out to be an unordered and unpredictable life— like the calm beauty of a well-made bed.
188
Obama? He did his chores for his grandparents and single mother. Clinton? Mowed the lawn quick so he could go flirt with the girl next door. Biden? Did a lot of chores but took him forever because he stopped to talk so much. Hillary? Washed dishes once or twice but mostly in her room studying. Trump? Never lifted a finger. Bullied his brother into doing his share. Had to be sent to military school. Learned how to yell and give orders. Didn't do any chores.
123
Father made a wooden step so that I could reach the sink to wash the dinner dishes and put them in the draining rack when I was 4 years-old. Fifty years later, I found out that after I went to bed, Mom dried and put away the dishes—after she had rewashed all of my dishes.
279
Sleepaway camp is another place to do chores. They give you no choice and no rewards - it’s just what you do, toilet cleaning included.
15
When you get a child to do chores you get him to bend to your will to do menial tasks. When you get him to understand that he has a responsibility to chip in, you have taught him that he is part of the family and that comes with obligations. Washing the dinner dishes is one thing. Getting a part time job when Dad is laid off is a contribution of a much higher order.
25
Start them young! Even a toddler can throw something in the trash (It is mistake-proof). Or give a kid a paper towel to wipe up their spill. (You can finish it up later.)
And change the term “chore” to “job” and it sounds far more positive.
32
I got a phone call from my daughter after her first week in the dorm. “Mom”, she said, “nobody here knows how to make up a bed!”
“I didn’t know you did!” I replied.
41
Adults who allow their children to train them out of requiring chores are idiots. Yes they will be done correctly with less effort if you do them yourself... but you have to keep your eye on the long game.
Six months or even a year of riding herd on a kid until they give up messing with you and just do their chores right the first time, means you have gained ten years of them actually contributing to the family. And bonus? The younger ones are even easier to train, since they have seen that there is no way to get out of properly doing chores.
My sister’s kids did nothing at her house, but when they came to live with me, they realized those tricks weren’t going to work in my home.
146
"Happy Children Do chores". Oh puh-lease. I was never happy, nor felt happy to do chores. But I did them, because I had no alternative. I didn't see them as helping to "run the ship," but as burdens inflicted upon me, because my parents didn't want to do them, or were doing more complicated or dangerous ones.
Happy? My parents weren't looking to make me happy.
I only started to like doing some of them, when dad started showing me how to use tools, and fix and build things along side him. Then there was a sense of real accomplishment attached. But I dont see that among my neighbors...as they hire handymen, landscapers and contractors, to do most of the work. Plus, most of my male neighbors can't work a screw gun.
I only "liked it" that my mother taught me how to wash my clothes in the 8th grade, when I could have my "cool" t-shirts and favorite jeans to wear when going out to meet girls in High School. And then again in college, when I knew what I was doing and most of my peers were all wearing dirty and/or stained clothes from not knowing what they were doing.
But Happy? Uh no.
Here's the Life lesson about chores. "Most times I do what I have to, the other times I might be able to do what I want."
That's Life. But that's not what enough American parents teach their kids. First mistake, they serve their children and fulfill their every need. My "needs" were determined by my parents, not me. I ate when they ate, shopped for clothes when they thought it necessary.
30
I remember the summer I went to vist my daughter when her twin boys were four, (I hadn’t seen them for a year) and they had learned to clear and set the table and empty most of the dishwasher without being asked. My clever daughter had rearranged all her kitchen cupboards and drawers so that the things they needed to help out were low enough to reach. Now why hadn’t I thought of that!?
53
Does it matter whether chores make kids “happy” or not? They build character and responsibility, as do many unpleasant things. What’s wrong with that?
41
Excellent question...here is one answer I have cultivated from observing people I know who have chosen to not assign chores and do everything in service to this children. Learning how to manage Adversity is out of fashion and too much for their little gods to handle.
22
At my house we did chores. Although we didn't like it, we could see that these were essential to providing a clean, safe home for all of us.
Fast forward several years on. Although I was raised in a lower-middle class household, a scholarship had brought me to a prestigious and wealthy university. Senior year I got an apartment with friends. I was absolutely shocked to see one of my flatmates "wash dishes" by scraping the plate with a knife under cold running water. Another flatmate put the entire jug of Tide in with her wash and flooded our flat with suds. In both cases, they had never done these tasks on their own before and had no idea that what they were doing was incorrect.
I called my parents and thanked them for my chores.
48
When I was a teenaged girl, I did my own laundry. When my older brothers came home from college, they would bring a duffel bag of dirty clothes, and my mother would go down to the basement and do their laundry while they hung out with their friends. I swore if I ever had a son, he would learn to do his own laundry. I do, and he has. I have to restrain myself sometimes from "correcting" him, but if he has something to wear and it doesn't smell, it's good enough. He is also a decent cook for a 15-year-old. Now, if I can just get him to clean the bathroom...
185
As soon as our kids could adequately use a sponge, they were helping to clean the bathrooms with non-bleach spray. When they could load dishes without dropping too many, they did that. Ditto on vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning up the kitchen completely, windows, doing their own laundry to include sheets and towels, putting away groceries as we brought them in, and various pet related clean-ups. My kids can follow a recipe for almost any meal, too.
Once our oldest got to college and was living with roommates, he was appalled at how few housekeeping skills other kids his age had and no sense that living in a clean home was important or their responsibility. He even told me he'd rather have his siblings for roomies because they knew to clean up after themselves. (Just the summer before he'd called them little pigs.)
Our kids weren't always happy, or even willing, to do their household jobs, but they did them. It's part of being a family.
31
Chores is a word that connotes "awful work". Kids resist it like it's the plague and parents believe that their kids will be awful people if they don't do chores. One commenter even said she was grateful to read in this piece that what she is doing is "worth the fight".
Ugh.
We didn't call it anything except "dinner", "laundry", "bed making" and we did it together and raised our family with the value that we are all here to help each other in all kinds of ways.
Not that there wasn't conflict in our house, but we had no fights over doing what needed to be done to keep a home and family moving forward.
Signed,
Empty Nester
14
Work work work, more chores, more school, more studying, more homework.. How about letting kids be kids for a change. The Times recentlyhad a story about how little sleep kids are getting.. too early start to school, too much homework, now more chores? Also, Americans being overworked and underpaid compared to the rest of the world.. a correlation? "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".
15
Thank you. Even if they aren't 'happy' when they do them. And it creates happy families, too.
11
So how do I send this to my sister without her getting offended? We spend weekends with my parents at their cabin and their teenage kids never help out, making their grandparents and parents cook and clean and run around like personal servants. It drives me nuts. My own toddlers find it fun to do tiny things like join us watering the plants, helping carry little garbage bags to the trash bins etc.
I just can’t believe these teens don’t feel embarrassed. I try to ask for help and it’s like they expert escape artists!
21
"I asked 1,050 parents an open-ended question: What do you least like about parenting? The most common answer by far was “discipline,”
My observations just this week of the undisciplined children while walking my dog in the park:
one with a stick trying to hit a squirrel
one grabbing handfuls of sand to throw at a pigeon
and the delight who threw a tennis ball and hit my dog in the head and the parent screeched "just playing"
20
Maybe within reason. Other parents however use their children. Operative word is use.
8
The author is correct. I would add that doing chores also contributes to a childs sense of self-worth and is a defense against the alienation that is so wide spread in our society. One thing I have noticed time and time again in the store at the park or where ever is parents that talk and talk but never back it up. "Raplh put down that rock, Raplh don't you throw that, Ralph I mean it, Ralph I'm not kidding, Ralph blah blah blah... " I assume it is the same at home when it comes to chores. I'm guessing Ralph here plays computer while Dad cajoles and threatens but in the end takes no action. In our house and others I know where the chores get done, jobs come first and fun after and if the kids don't want to, fine, but the computer or phone gets turned off until the chores are done. One doesn't have to be a monster, or get angry, just mean what you say. To parents who say the kids won't help, I say, come on! A little tough love goes a long way.
25
Lovely! Another way to judge the weary parent. Tsk Tsk.
13
Am I the only reader who grew up with a housekeeper, as did my mother and grandmother? I married not knowing how to wash a dish, nor change a diaper. I don’t know whether hailing from such a long line of princesses has undermined my ‘character’ but I do know that time today IS limited and I would indeed prefer that my children read or study or play sports—or catch up on well-needed sleep!—than learn to iron shirts.
17
Oops, I'm sorry @KJ Dell'Antonia but I tried and tried and tried again for a good number of years. It never worked.
4
Reading this article makes me think of trump's eminence grise, Stephen Miller. Mr. Miller, I understand, was known in high school as someone who thought it was okay to leave or throw trash on the floor of the cafeteria -after all, there were Janitors whose job it was to clean up. You can watch him saying this on YouTube.
Wonder where he learned that? Not from his uncle, I imagine.
26
Some of the comments set very high expectations, but if you struggle with getting your kids involved, start with a bunch of low hanging fruit chores. Emptying bathroom trash into the big trash, taking out recycling, setting and clearing the table, making their own bed... my four year old loves drying all of the non-breakable dishes and utensils and putting them away.
14
Parents are too busy, and too stressed to demand regular chores from their kids.
"Get the kids to do chores" is another stick to beat ourselves with. Right next to the "Good families have meals together" stick.
Parents aren't stupid, and they aren't lazy. They are managing as best they can.
128
@jzu: This mantra that parents are sooooo much busier today than in the past is just an excuse. Someone has to take out the garbage, don’t they? If you have time to do it, one of your kids does too.
31
I'm a 69-year-old woman, and I think that makes a difference. Growing up, I was the oldest of six kids, and I did chores from age six on. That was just life in a big family with a lot of work to be done, and I accepted it. I learned to cook, clean, take care of babies (feeding, diaper-changing, comforting, minding), and do yard work (lawn mowing, using a sickle, hand weeding, using nails, saws, hammers and screwdrivers) by the time I was ten.
I'm glad I learned to do all that, because it came in handy when I lived on my own. Because chores were second nature to me, even though I live alone I have always been able to take care of my home, inside and out. I hire out big jobs, like replacing the HVAC system, but I have enough familiarity with basic mechanics to be able to discuss the job with bidders so that I get quality work done at good prices.
Chores teach useful specific skills as well as self-reliance and pride in a job well done. They also teach kids how to be well organized and resourceful: there's often more than one way to get a job done.
Why do I think my age makes a difference? Because I was a kid in the 1950's, and there were no cell phones or video games. And I think there was more agreement among the parents in my neighborhood about what to expect of their kids in terms of doing chores, having good manners, and doing assigned school work. When your friends all do the same, you're less likely to question it.
33
Frankly, I have not seen "happy children" when chores are involved.
They find them boring, as most adults do. But they have to be done.
I found that when my four children were growing up the best way for me or my husband to entice them was to thank them for doing the chores.
As they grew older we let our sons know that if they did not marry, they would have to know how to budget money, iron, wash dishes, clean house, and cook unless they were lucky enough to make enough money to hire someone to do this work for them.
I impressed upon my daughter the same lessons and one more.
That lesson was that she needed a good education in case she was going to support herself.
My Husband and I were on the same page, luckily
I believe that it is imperative that parents appreciate what their children do to help. Just as we parents want to be appreciated for all that we do for our children.
It is a human need to feel useful and appreciated.
19
Children should do "chores" but perhaps we need to rethink how we frame this work. My parents made them feel like punishments - not a good approach. My young nephew helped me with a major clean-up and we had fun. He was so proud of what he accomplished. We celebrated afterwards by making cookies. Doing something well has its inherent reward, so let's not make it a chore. When kids are very young they want to help. If we don't like our chores, neither will our kids.
16
When I was running a single parent household, I thought that each kid should make dinner once a week. One made hamburgers and every week the hamburgers got worse. That kid is grown now and gets up at five every morning to cook breakfast and lunch to take to work. That kid raises their vegetables and is a great vegan cook. Persistence paid off in that regard, though it took a decade or two.
12
Chores were an essential part of mine and those of my siblings beginning at age 4. It was the job of the older sibs to teach the younger, the ropes of the task we passed onto them. Once done, the elders graduated to bigger jobs. We each had to cook a meal for the entire family one night a week. We were given room to fail and learn. We didn't love doing our chores, and yes we envied our friends who didn't have a care in the world per se. With that said, there is truth in the importance of raising children to contribute to the greater good and being part of a team effort on a daily schedule. Where are some of those kids in our neighborhood who didn't have responsibilities? Some in menial, low paying jobs, bankruptcy, and others we have no idea. Where are we? All successful thriving entrepreneurs with grown, successful thriving children of our own. One family I know very well has raised all of their children on a farm, where they all had chores, school, sports, church and volunteer work. Every one of those kids are engineers, lawyers or will be going off to college soon. Every one of these kids are balanced, gracious, respectful, and unspoiled. There is no replacement for instilling work ethic on the home front first. Over scheduled, and over fraught self absorbed super achiever approach described by some parents in response to this article is an excuse. School and extracurricular activities are not jobs.
21
In my family, my siblings and I did chores. The family was facing survival in a third world country. I often wondered what on earth my parents did, other than work and make money to feed us, and make it sound like they were doing us a favor. If a if parent caught sight of you, it started: "have you already done . . . ., if not, why are you just sitting here?" They had no concern about the grades we were in, what colleges we wanted to attend, what we aspired to do. We were produced to serve them. When I got a scholarship to go to an American university, my parents asked first: who is going to do the work around here if you just get up and leave? When my brother left to study in the US, my parents complained: now who is going to do the work around here and look after us in our old age?
Now here we are, fast forward 35 years, living 'comfortably poor' in the US. We obsess over our kids. We second guess the teachers (all of us with post graduate degrees). We read everything about raising children. Our children do no chores. Everything is done for them. They have everything, value nothing.
Here is the key difference. I think the children we are raising, soft and coddled, risk-averse and incapable of handling vast amounts of uncertainty, disinterested in much, never having to worry about money to buy texts or buy lunch at school, and strangers to chores - are happier than I ever was. They seem to be turning out all right. Why worry?
6
My mother worked 3-11pm or the midnight shift and we, the 8 of us, did the chores. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and worked full time after high school.
My mother was never satisfied and we were always angry about helping, as other kids went to football and cheerleading practice and games. Dad was useless in his Barcalounger, reading the paper and waiting for dinner, which we the kids made.
I resented the work and never got over the anger and resentment of being labor for parents who had too many children and not enough money and no time or energy or us. Left the house at 18 and never looked back. I now have the cleaning lady I swore at 16 I'd have, every week, and I don't spend time doing chores.
I live my life and go to football games, the ocean, visit friends and relish all my time with family.
22
My father always said "Many hands make light work" which taught us all that if everyone pitches in the work is minimal. Everyone should help around the house! It only takes a few minutes to load or unload a dishwasher, to throw a load of laundry into a dryer, take out the garbage or sweep a floor. What would be a burden if only one person did all the work is almost no work at all when everyone had a part in making a home run. If a child has a workload that does not allow 15 minutes for daily chores, their workload is too much for them to handle. Home and family comes before pastimes and Netflix.
15
While an allowance is not necessary as part of chores, one of the things an allowance does do is help teach money skills. If a child wants to purchase something, be it a toy or an app, they need to make decisions regarding that purchase with the money they have balanced with their future needs and wants. This life skill is as important for them to learn as young as possible as it is to learn time management, thinking of others, and making contributions to one’s community (home, in the case of chores).
7
I'm one of four sons growing up in the late 30s and well into the 1940s. We are all college graduates and did very well in our careers and families. Growing up my mother decided at some point that not having any girls, we would all learn both the typical "boys" chores and those of girls. I was assigned baking and some other kitchen duties. Also, we did other chores, such as making our beds, emptying garbage, mowing the lawn, etc.
I found when I married, my wife and I shared chores so naturally - house cleaning, laundry, etc. We both worked in professions. I am a firm believer in what this op-ed discusses and I am sure that doing chores as a youth prepared me for adulthood and naturally being able to share in all household tasks while raising my own family.
27
Chores as some have said give a important awareness of being an important contributing member of a family - useful and valued. Moreover chores at best should impart skills however basic. Knowing how to cook, do laundry, care for an ailing family member, use tools, imparts a self of self esteem. Even talking and telling jokes are skills that can be included among "chores" if the child is contributing to the community.
Parents think they don't have the time to monitor skills but a little monitoring early in life has a huge payoff later on. Start young. A three or four year old wants nothing more than to help you load the laundry. Your kind attention is their loving reward. If you disregard their eager willingness then, they will walk away when they are six or seven having learned that their help is not wanted and it will be much harder to involve them later on.
Children want to grow up and be a part of the adult community. If we want them to be successful adults let them know their efforts and participation is important. Otherwise they remain forever children.
26
I grew up an only child in a neglectful and emotionally barren household. My parents did not expect or ask me to do chores. They didn't really ask anything of me. I used to envy my friends who couldn't come out to play after dinner until they had done the dishes. I could see that they were plugged into a family and had a functional role. I'm not in favor of overloading kids with chores, and especially not in favor of dumping parental-level responsibility on kids, but chores let the littlest family members know that they are part of a team and that what they do matters to the others and to the running of the household.
48
I am a little taken aback by the negative tone of this article: the idea that "chores" are unpleasant duties and parents had better enforce children doing them.
I worked full time, had three children, and had a husband who was a career Navy officer, and so gone much of the time. I needed help from my children.
I think children are much more willing to help when they see their help is needed, rather than having it presented as an unpleasant duty they had better do.
My son started doing all his laundry when he was about ten, because I simply couldn't get it done efficiently. My older daughter did a great deal of babysitting of her younger brother and sister because I couldn't afford to hire sitters. All three of them cooked, because I was often too tired to.
I think the key to making it work is always to appreciate their work, and never micromanage them. Whatever they cooked I gratefully ate. Our dog and cats loved them because they fed and walked them. (Even one cat used to go along for the walks.) The oldest was such a good babysitter that they youngest one started babysitting around the neighborhood at the age of ten. She wanted to be like her big sister.
They felt important and responsible, because they were. And now I have the pleasure of watching what great parents and spouses they are. I never have to worry about how they are caring for my grandchildren; they care for them like they cared for each other, and for me.
58
I am so thankful that my parents included me in the household chores as a kid. Not only did I learn how to work as part of a team but I also felt a lot of pride in my labor. I could tell that my parents needed help and it was satisfying to provide them with some assistance. Plus, when I arrived in college, I already knew how to cook, clean, and stay organized-indispensable life skills!
17
My kids "chores" are doing well in school, and all their after school activities. That's a much fuller day than I have. They have the rest of their lives to do laundry, clean the house, cook meals, etc. I was treated the same way in school and guess what? I have been employed full time ever since, run my home just fine, am financially secure, etc. Chores are like family dinners; they work for some families, but not for all.
13
It may have worked out for you, but I’m in academia and I know many people who are brilliant and who have brilliant careers and grew up in families that emphasized achievement over simple manual labor and chores but have trouble managing their daily lives. As adults, I see them easily come undone when they meet common, everyday challenges like a flat tire or cooking and cleaning or making phone calls to figure out their insurance claims. My family did enforce chores over school, to my disappointment at the time, and even maintain a menial job through the summers (I didn’t get freedom and leisure when school went out: I got work), but I feel much better equipped at taking on simple challenges, knowing how to keep my living space peaceful and clean, and helping others with skills I acquired. People have asked me as an adult where I “learned to do that” and have also commented that my early experiences of playing a part in the health of the household have made me a more well rounded, stable person.
35
Of course, the presence family dinners and chores do not guarantee positive outcomes, nor does their absence guarantee negative outcomes. Few things are ever so straightforward. However, that does not negate the fact that both habits increase the likelihood of positive outcomes for children and families.
9
And presumably they will learn those things magically when they turn 22 or you assume they’ll be wealthy enough to hire a maid to do it for them? Pretty sad. Part of the responsibility of a parent is to make sure a child learns how to clean a bathroom and kitchen, vacuum, dust, do the laundry, cook a meal, change a diaper, do yard work, manage money. These are not chores that are beneath them because they are so busy with school and extracurriculars. Adults work all day too and also have to take care of these tasks. Chances are good that a lot of these kids will not make enough to hire a maid or nanny. Even if they do, the maid or nanny will have a lot of days off.
10
Chores should be divided equally among the family's children and the children should be paid the same, regardless of sex. Teaching children that their work is of equal value to the family is enabling, building confidence.
When I grew up, my younger brother received $5 for cutting a 1/8 acre lawn with a power mower. "He needs money to save for college."
I received $.05 for darning each my father's large sock holes and $.50 for scrubbing the bathroom and the kitchen floor on Saturday. Nightly, I washed or dried dishes (my sister did the other task) without compensation. I also received nothing for keeping a breathtaking flower garden around the house." You like to garden." I learned early the accomplishments of males and females work was NOT equally valued.
29
Life long lessons for me came from childhood chores. I'm 51 years old and the youngest of three siblings -- all I had to hear from my mom and dad at a very young age is "you clean dishes after dinner better than your brother and sister" -- and that was it! While I'm not overly competitive with my siblings (we are very close and non-combative) I just thrived on the positive feedback! My parents somehow knew the right buttons to push and it worked. To this day, I'm proud of my kitchen cleanings skills (we are a family of 6 so plenty of work to share) but I must say to-date I have not inspired my own children to complete their chores. With two in college and two in high school, is it too late?
2
Not sure what to think about after reading this. Two daughters, ages 15 and 12. No set chores to do, yes they make their beds and put away the clean laundry that I leave in a basket in their rooms. But to require additional “chores” be completed in the evening seems not quite right. My 15 year old leaves for school at 7am, takes all honors classes and earns straight As. After school she plays a varsity sport (each season) and between games and practices, never walks in the house before 6pm. Takes a shower, eats dinner, and then on to hours of homework. And I’m supposed to tell her to also load the dishwasher? Similar schedule for my 12 year old. Totally get the idea of responsibility, but in today’s world it’s not realistic for these kids to spend a lot of time doing housework, especially if they are involved at school. In my generation, kids were home more so had more time for chores. Not saying it’s right, just saying it’s reality for a lot of families. And you know, if they have an extra 1/2 hour at night to relax, daydream, watch a Netflix show or go on the phone, I’m fine with that and I’ll take care of the “chores.” They will have plenty of time to do chores when they get older. Childhood doesn’t last forever-chores do.
9
@A mom I get you but I think re-evaluating whether your children have balance in their lives (chores withstanding). I know the culture of making sure we have high achieving/college bound kids is overwhelming, but when your kids don't have a 1/2 hour most nights to relax, dream, go on the phone, or load the dishwasher, then something has give. To me, the value of having my kids do a total of 30-60 minutes of chores each week, is equivalent, if not more, to another enrichment activity of class. My 10 year old just recently declared: "I kind of like doing chores, it feels good." With that statement, I know his future career, family life, and emotional health, are all going to be in great shape. Now back to our weekend chores....
9
4 kids here, all in multiple varsity sports, A students, involved in tons of clubs and church activities but they also have daily chores. These chores don’t take more than 15 minutes each day and teach them responsibility at home. They do like their Netflix too!
8
I actually think the insane expectations placed on kids today makes an excellent case for giving them a few light chores; they need to know that the demands placed on them are not the only aspect of life, and that school and activities don't fully define them. It's a small thing, but it's a subtle reminder that they're part of a family, and every relationship they'll ever have will require a certain amount of effort to support the unit, not just themselves.
24
I think that it is important for children to learn young, that they are part of something greater and larger than themselves. This is not intended to deny them happiness, but to instill confidence that they are important to the success of their family, their workplace, their community.
15
Social Psychologists discovered a long time ago that happy workers are not productive workers; but, productive workers are happy workers.
I assume the same psychological effect with children. When workers, or children, see their productivity contributing to achieving the goals of the work team or family it makes them feel better about themselves and therefore, happier.
12
Also teach your children about communication around their work. Allow and encourage them to have a voice and teach them to allow you to have a voice and go from there. I have hired teenagers and while many have been good, many have also not gotten back to me, disappeared, and other forms of not communicating. It's a two way street. Workers have rights and so do employers.
10
Thank you for this.
Like many other I grew up with cores but with my own 5 year old daughter, I confess that I get worn down with the elaborate excuses on why she cannot possibly be expected to tidy up all the toys at the end of the day or make her bed in the morning.
This evening, and tomorrow morning, I will persist - this will be my chore!
9
@Rosemary
Limit the number of toys. Worked for me. Mom took away the bulk of them...leaving me with a few...I learned to put them away. Got the others back...
The bed my mom gave up on...I still don't make it when I get up...gets "made" once a week, when I change the sheets.
4
I don't know about starting at age 3 or 4, but my brothers and sister and I all had to do chores while growing up. We may not have liked it, but we did them. We couldn't go out and play with our neighborhood friends after supper, for example, until we cleared the table and did the supper dishes. I know well that a lot of my ability to get along with colleagues in business (yes, and even provide leadership) was because of this attitude. Work together, get better results.
25
I have a cleaner once a week. So even I do not do some chores. But my two kids always had a few chores (pet care, non dishwasher dishes, their own laundry, cook a simple meal sometimes). More important than doing chores to feel part of the home endeavor, learn responsibility, etc was that crucial moment in middle school where they learned that I and their father would not tolerate sarcasm, silence or whining as communication methods. Make a reasonable request or statement, back it up with persuasive facts and arguments, and get treated seriously with courtesy. That saved all our lives through their teenage years.
12
My children still laugh at the memory of Saturday mornings. As soon as they heard me put on one of my favorite albums, usually Al Jarreau or Simon and Garfinkel, they knew it was time to get up and start Saturday chores. My husband worked weekends so it was mostly a singular struggle between me and 4 preteens and adolescents. I still chuckle at remembering the argument over leaf raking, that all the leaves on the sidewalks and curbs were "city leaves" and not our responsibility. And as my husband reminded them, if they didn't like manual labor they better keep studying or that's what they were likely to be doing the rest of their lives.
25
Chores! I wish. Our maternal grandmother came over every weekday on a rescue mission. She scolded us six children for our messes, backbit our working parents for their domestic failures, and angrily did the house work herself. (Our mother considered her mother a saint, though, actually, we kids made her a martyr among heathens.) While grandmother did chores, we played outside with other free-range children.
Our mother picked up groceries at the neighborhood store she passed near the streetcar, then cooked the evening meals after working all day as a medical secretary, presumably of necessity because our father was an unsuccessful 1950s family provider, but really, she hated housework and liked the professionals.
Us children were responsible for nothing other than school, getting ourselves there and back, somewhat neatly turned out.
Our parents lingered together at the table after dinner, sipping drinks, listening to records into the late nights, sometimes by candlelight, talking, arguing, laughing, crying. We children either performed little songs and dances or disappeared, watched TV, read books, fought, tumbled into our beds. We rummaged for clothes and shoes in the mornings. Bathrooms, the most cherished spaces, were competed for.
We grew up to make our own homes neat and attractive. Only one lives in disrepair, rigidly aiming for the 1950s model and failing along the lines of our childhood, but even that one's kids turned out great. I just don't know.
13
I live in a well-off area where housekeepers, nannies, and gardeners come and go all day. Except next door. I don't know what goes on inside, but this couple has two young teens who have cheerfully done yardwork and tended a garden with their parents since they were little. These kids are social, excel academically, and are involved in sports as well.
As my father used to say, people who live in houses do housework. Young, old, male, female. Everyone.
65
Well written article KJ. Parents should train the children in doing domestic chores right from an early stage else it becomes a bit difficult to convince them. Parents obviously will be happy whatever little help they get from their children to begin with. Some parents think that children are children after all and that they will learn on their own once they grow up. It would be too late by then.
We haven’t learnt domestic chores just like that. We all learnt in a slow and steady fashion after committing numerous mistakes and so do the children once they are initiated into them.
Both of my children did chores at an young age and as such they have had smooth passage as adults. Now my granddaughter, who is four years old helps her mother in her chores in a little way.
By helping in the chores, children learn about the benefits of sharing the burden. This will help them surely in future.They also learn as to how much they have contributed for the family’s happiness. They will be pleased as well. Further, not only the little acts will make them responsible citizens but also will enable them to face outside world well equipped when they grow up as adults.
9
Yup, children need to learn how to participate in a family. We teach them to do that so they know how to participate in relationships, society, and, to learn how to take care of themselves. It's a tough job. Parenting is a tough job. It's not something we do for fun.
We are raising the next generation. Do we want them to be good people who have ethics and don't just think of themselves? Or do we just take the easy way out and allow them to do as they please? That is no way to help a person grow who actually participates fully in life.
I say this from personal experience. And I'm not pounding my own drum, this is what all our friends and neighbors did. My sons and most of their friends are all in their 50's now and have become good, ethical people with a great work ethic. I always say that raising children is the hardest thing anyone will ever take on in their life. Its true.
16
There were nine kids in my family, so there was a lot of food preparation, dishes to wash, and laundry. Of course we all helped in an organized way. We had a large yard, not in any sense a lawn but in SW Louisiana it needed mowing. Besides my father's regular job, my parents at home kept books for businesses and did income tax. To our delight they let us check for errors, balance check books, and other small tasks that increased our mathematical acuity. In my opinion this is how it should be.
32
Well, children who do chores are not "happy" at the moment, perhaps, and that is all the more reason parents should remain consistent in their expectations. It sure does instill a sense, as I used to say, that "everyone who lives here, works here" that will go a long way in adulthood.
"Making" children happy by parents is way overrated and has led to a bunch of entitled, self-absorbed young adults.
36
I live in a neighborhood with one of the most lauded high schools in the area where houses are always in demand, always, just because of the school being there.
But the only time I see kids is when they drive by in a car or school bus. Never do I see them out and about around the house raking leaves, shoveling snow, doing anything, no signs ever of them helping their mom or dad in the garage, the garden, bringing in groceries-never. It's amazing.
They're just not to be seen.
And when they pass by as a passanger in a car their heads are lowered obviously staring into an e-device.
30
In a household with three boys and a girl (me), we all had chores. Some saturdays in the winter, it would take me all day to "clean" two bedrooms, a living room, kitchen and dining room. In the summer, it was amazing how how fast that went. But it taught us time management (to this day, I can straighten up and make a house look clean in 10 minutes flat). We all learned to cook, clean, do laundry, cut the grass, and maintain a car. I was and still am grateful to my parents for teaching us how to juggle our time and manage priorities. And, that mom and dad weren't there just for our benefit -- they belonged also to each other, their community and their jobs. It made us see the bigger picture and not be self-centered. They were parents and we all were grateful to them.
34
@cz Also, as we got busy with school and part-time jobs, we still had those chores, but our parents allowed us to barter with each other. As the youngest, I remember my next older brother (who had two jobs) and had moved out, bartering with me to include his laundry in my weekly chores. It was quite profitable for me. I'm sure my parents could have done all chores much better, but they were teaching us not just how to keep a home up, but that in life, lots of things and responsibilities had to be juggled, and sometimes you have to give up one thing for something else. That's important to know BEFORE one leaves for college or their childhood home.
14
Interested in knowing why this generation of parents shelters and coddles their kids in such a misguided way. Also related, is why don’t teens get jobs anymore? Scooping ice cream, bagging groceries, punching a clock used to be seen as valuable experiences and now the attitude seems to be my kid is too busy being destined for greatness to do menial work. Won’t all this create ill-prepared — and disappointed — young adults who will enter the workforce thinking every task expected of them is supposed to be fulfilling, exciting, and groundbreaking? Also, with no one “starting out in the mailroom” how can you run an empire if you don’t understand firsthand how things work from the bottom up? Yes, kids should absolutely be rolling up their sleeves and getting their hands dirty, starting with the dishes and laundry.
60
Lots of remembrances spring to mind; some good, some wishful regrets I'd handled the chore requirements differently, or with more wisdom and awareness. From my experiences years ago, I'd like to add that contributions children make handling a portion of family chores and duties gives them a sense of belonging.
I remember how happy and giggly one of my two-year-olds was at bath time, running with her stripped off laundry to hurl into the dirty clothes hamper; and making her bed--her on one side, I on the other with no concerns for perfection. Good memories.
12
Being a farm kid and having lived at least half my life in rural America, age appropriate chores are common in every family and includes both inside and outside the home. Raising our own kids was the same. Now, it is another generation. Watching our grandchildren (both male and female) doing yard work and cooking when they come to our home is a treat. Our 9 year old granddaughter was quite interested in learning how to clean and fillet fish she caught herself. She and my wife were the chief cookie bakers last Christmas.
8
As a child, we all did chores. We weren't a happy household. Chores don't make you happy or feel wanted, only the emotional state of the household can achieve that.
There are no set chores in our house. What is expected is to lend a helping hand when needed. I left a lucrative career to keep our domestic front going so that there is less stress and more free time for everyone in our family. I'm not advocating this, I realize that this is a huge luxury anymore. I say this only to note that the lion share of household chores fall on my shoulders. With that said, my husband does the dishes and helps out with the laundry. Our son's main jobs are school and swimming. And no it's not about coddling him into the Ivy League. A strong work ethic and organizational skills are found in doing those things right. It takes time for a child to properly develop those important lifelong skills. He doesn't need to start cooking and cleaning at an early age to be able to do those things when he leaves the nest. Before he leaves, I'll make sure he has those skills. We are a happy loving household and our son is a happy loving person. And chores have nothing to do with that.
13
Being engaged to someone who is loving and happy but learned how to do household work after I taught him, i can tell you this is not the right way to do it. My fiance did not know how to cook, do laundry, clean a bathroom until I taught him. I wondered how someone who was accomplished enough to finish medical school could not have learned those things and my answer was when I went home with him for the holidays. At home his SAHM did not require he do anything ( not taking the dishes to the dishwasher, not doing his own laundry, not helping in cooking etc.). This crippled him in adult life because he did not know how to do these tasks when he moved out (Even though his mother tried to teach him for a week before he moved out). If you want your son to have an equal partner in their relationship and not necessarily be stuck with finding a woman or man who will give up their career to stay at home (which you admitted was a luxury), make sure he knows how to do this now.
30
I think there is truth in what third year med student says. As a couples therapist it’s pretty amazing to me how many people just expect their partner to do all the domestic/household duties. Their logic usually goes something like this: “I don’t really care about a clean toilet but since you do, you can do it.” I’ve watched many potentially lovely relationships just wither and die because of entitlement and arrested development.
14
My mother was too much of a control freak to let anyone clean the house or do laundry. It didn't turn out well for me as a young adult, but finally learned how to run my own household competently. Just learning how to do basic things would have been helpful.
Fortunately , I had a job as a teen and learned to manage my own money.
11
@A Reader. Yes, that was also a problem for me, but I was the control freak. I required my children to do chores, but went behind them and "fixed" their sometimes shoddy performances, and I think by doing so, took away much of the pride and self-confidence they would otherwise have gained from the exercise. As such, I believe I completely sabotaged my attempt to get them to "contribute to the family" and "do work that helped others"...all they saw was the work they did wasn't "good enough." I'm not sure where this need to have everything perfect came from, but I can tell you that it did not serve my children well. They both grew up suffering from depression and anxiety. I know it's impossible but I wish all the time I could have a "do over" for their sakes.
13
@Jdrider I respect your honesty.
2
When my oldest child was a toddler, I also had strong opinions about what particular parenting techniques were necessary for raising moral, empathetic, and happy children.
Two decades and three additional (very different) children later, the only wisdom I have to offer is that any article that purports to tell you the only "correct" way to raise every single child should be taken with several grains of salt. If regular weekly chores work for your family, absolutely assign them. If not, go ahead and find alternative ways to make sure your children learn household skills and contribute to their family and community.
57
No chores growing up for me and my brother. As an adult, he is a lot more 'lax', shall we say, about cleanliness, order and never had a super strong work ethic. Never volunteers to help out during family get- togethers. I'm a total clean and order freak and am always on my feet doing stuff during these get-togethers. Have held some kind of a job since I was 18. Same childhood home rules and dynamic, vastly different outcomes.
26
I try to frame chores as an act of being considerate. It’s not considerate to make a mess and expect someone else to clean it up. It doesn’t always work, but I think the concept is valuable.
61
@Andy. And it emphasizes concern for others, not just tidying the house because it needs tidying, which is one of the ideas.
8
I was the oldest daughter of nine. My 2 older and 3youngest brothers were coddled. As a teen I drove the younger kids to school and cooked supper every night when my mother took a full time job outside the house. At age 20 my youngest brother called my mother when she was out of town to ask how to operate the washer. I guess that was my mother’s generation.
As a result of my experience, By age 10 my only son did his own washing weekly and could use an iron. By 11 I had taught him how to cook a turkey while I stood by at the kitchen door. (Besides, our rule was that cooks can delegate the clean up to those to just eat.) At 17 his first job was cooking in a small Mexican restaurant. In college his friends loved inviting him over cause he could cook. Working nights in his 20’s his coworkers envied his crock pot midnight lunches. Today his family benefits from having a good cook on hand.
Today I can hardly cook French toast at my own house without being elbowed out of the way at the stove by his 7 and 3 year old kids.
Cooking and laundry duty provides important long lasting lessons in hygiene and orderliness that translates into better attitudes about what future children can do for themselves.
Clearly, in today’s society, everyone needs to be able to cook for themselves and wash their own clothes.
I think it’s really self preservation and egalitarian.
76
When my kids were young I stopped reading child-rearing "advice" like this article. Now that they are grown, I can read these type articles as humorous.
Both of my children turned out great. No chores. Lots of love. We tell each other every day that we love each other. Lots of yelling. Lots of mistakes along the way. More love. No "one size fits all" way to raise kids. Just let them know they are loved. And good for you if your kid does chores. Really a weird metric to measure your parenting by. But you go.
35
@Kris Sikes So your kids are the ones! The ones who drink the last cup of coffee at the office and don't start the next pot, the ones who use the last of the toilet paper and never get out another roll or gasp, notice the office is out and get it ordered. Your kids are the ones who don't pull their weight on collaborative projects leaving the heavy lifting to a few reliable people. Your kids are the ones that leave trash behind after forays to the park or beach, smoke upstream from others, talk loudly at the movies . . .
Trust me, love alone is not enough, and we don't love your kids.
22
We did chores as children—making our beds, keeping the bedroom neat, washing dishes and vacuuming. Sometimes we liked helping out, but sometimes we just liked giving our parents (mother mostly) a hard time. Somehow, just assigning chores was part of the parental playbook, complaining about them was ours.
That said we had the rudiments of living responsibly by the time we went to college. Including a small repertoire of meals we could confidently cook.
10
Well written, and timely.
The old always deride the young for their self-centeredness. But things are different, now, for those who grow up on social media, where a cultivated image is everything. Left to their own devices, children would spend all their time connected, engaging in only what they want in the way they want.
So, buying a puppy isn’t enough. Allowances are counter-productive. Youth sports give trophies for showing up. And schools put everyone on the honor roll lest they offend anyone who otherwise didn’t achieve honorable results.
And so we’re back to what was considered the norm before the World Wars. Much from that era should remain in the past, but families were stronger because they built homes together when life was harder.
The home is what the family makes it.
11
This article is interesting but overlooks parenting children from divorced or separated families. It’s a common situation and difficult when the children are disciplined differently in two homes. In one house there may be chores and in the other there can be chaos or do what you please. What then?
7
@gf
I encountered this situation and here's the simple answer: "in this house, this is the way we do it."
The critical factor is that both parents must be on board with this philosophy and support it.
17
@gf An aspect of chores not mentioned here is pride in a job well done and appreciation of the niceties of a well run home. When you go to a nice hotel, there is a stack of nice towels folded beautifully all laid out on a beautifully bed that all but beg you to take a shower and flop on the bed. Someone did that. In the case of the hotel, it is money that makes that happen. At home it is wanting that for oneself and taking the moment to do it before you leave for school so that your room is inviting to return to.
Slowly, and it will be slow, in your house, making it the one that one krafts into a place to live where it is clean, inviting, a refuge will make the kids want to be there and take part in maintaining it with pride.
I grew up in a household with, well a lot going on, but my mom's teaching us how to have the finer things, like walking into my bedroom that made me feel refuge, eat well because she'd taught me the skills to handle any cuisine, clean and iron a beautiful shirt and how to pick the right one at Good Will, even in the recession softened the blow of being broke down and out.
Good luck with your kids and have a great life.
8
The parenting industrial complex is quite profitable but more myth than fact based. Most of what parents provide for their children is DNA where about 50% of personality comes from- otherwise, kids look to their peers for the ques on how to behave- they aren't dumb and know where their future lies.
Try to raise your kids in a loving community where other kids aren't excessively stressed by their environment and teenagers aren't selling drugs on the street. Don't try to raise a mixed race kid in a lily-white working class neighborhood.
There's no harm in having kids do chores, but show me the data on how it actually changes outcomes. Last I checked,
research indicates that various child rearing strategies have very little affect on outcomes. The important thing is for parents to be loving and protective and, for their own sake, to let the child know who is boss. Of course, some investment capital for education and/or helping them start a business doesn't hurt.
10
@alan haigh Actually the data is in and does not support your perspective. Children from almost every other country and region in the area do more around the house than US kids and teens, are happier than US teens, have fewer pregnancies and sex later, are involved in drugs less, are better educated that US kids. Love your own kids? sure, but it is far from all you need to do to ensure their well being. What are they doing that we are not? Many things but the most important is letting the natural desire of very small children to help out do so and rewarding that with appreciation. That's it. After that, the rest is much easier.
P.S. can't remember where but in the past month there was a program on npr on a global and large sampling of households that is the basis of my comments here. Sorry I can't remember the name of the show.
10
@memo laiceps
That is not scientific data. What evolutionary psychologists look at is twins and siblings separated by adoption to different types of parents in terms of the culture of child rearing and comparing life outcomes. What you refer to is subject to other factors and is the type of epidemiological data that has to be sifted through to be useful and often conflates correlation to causation.
https://datahero.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-most-common-data-analysis-mistakes/
For a time, at least, I made my two sons help clean the house every Saturday morning, just as my brothers and sisters and I had done while growing up. I don’t think it lasted very long, but this was more than 30 years ago, so my memory of it may not be spot on. It makes me smile to hear now from my grandchildren that I was apparently a real taskmaster. They know because their dad is trying to get them into the same routine.
13
I owned and managed restaurants for 25 years and hired many young people. My interviews were basic because for me the kind of worker they would be was revealed on the first day. I could tell immediately whether they had done chores at home as children. It was so obvious! How they used a cleaning rag, how they organized their station, even how they used a broom, all these were instant indications of their childhood experience.
And for me it was so indicative of whether I could live with them day to day as new members of our restaurant family, if they worked side by side with all of us doing our chores.
62
@paulyyams. That’s funny. I wouldn’t say my son would organize a workstation to your satisfaction. But at his first job at a pizza place they offered him night manager within a few weeks because he always said yes to what was asked of him, gave rides to other employees without cars including the ex cons, and always took another shift when someone didn’t show.
10
The trick is not to call them chores. My stay-at-home mother did not assign us chores. She felt that childhood was short and we would have plenty of responsibilities as adults. She asked for help which we would gladly do. My husband and I worked fulltime and had a part-time housekeeper to do the cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. Our kids had long school days and arrived home at 6 pm. They helped me out by carrying the groceries, putting them away, chatting about their day while I made dinner, clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, taking the garbage out. We never referred to this help as chores. If they didn't feel like it, they weren't obliged to do it. But they always did it in a spirit of family and we always thanked them for their help. They received an allowance that was not linked to chores but to learning how to manage money. It was deposited monthly into their bank accounts and they had debit cards to make withdrawals when they needed cash. Now that they have kids of their own, they are still kind, generous, helpful and cooperative as are their small children who are not assigned chores but help out as a matter of course. I don't believe that family life should be seen as work or as a paid transaction. We can learn how to be sensitive to others' needs by modeling behaviour that encourages our kids to be helpful little humans and by asking for help when we need it.
85
My parents were artists who came from conservative families. They were young and got married because I was on the way. Not caring about chores was part of their rebellion against society. I grew up with dishes being cleaned only when there were no clean ones left and laundry and everything else piling up. My parents partied late and didn't get up to make breakfast. I had to learn to take care of myself the hard way. I spent my summers at my grandparents in the countryside. There the hot chocolate was waiting for me to get up on the side of the stove every morning. The house smelled of wax because my grandma had already cleaned the house. To this day I love that smell.
It was not hard as an adult to find a balance between giving my sons a protected childhood and still raise them to become adults who know how to take care of themselves.
My parents were just as messy about money and I have found it much harder to teach myself how to manage money without having had models. Not having debts is my biggest accomplishment.
78
From a young age (7? 8?), every other week after dinner, my sister and I were made to scrub any pots or pans that couldn't go into the dishwasher. I swore there were always more pots on MY week, while my sister got away with merely loading the dishwasher. (Our brother had to unload it in the mornings.) But at least we HAD a dishwasher, which my mother insisted on buying sometime in the mid-1960s.
My son was given a toy vacuum cleaner when he was about 18 months old -- he used it constantly when either his father or I cleaned house. I started teaching him how to cook when he was about 7. To this day -- my son is now 31 -- he's a good housekeeper, knows the importance of good hygiene in the kitchen, whips up a meal for 7 or 8 in no time for his firefighter colleagues, made the wedding cake last week for my stepdaughter's nuptials, and makes all the celebration cakes for his girlfriend's family.
Contrast the attitude of my stepdaughter-in-law, who last week resented our using her two sons (15 and 13) as 'servants' quoteunquote after I asked them to help pass appetisers following the family wedding. Need I mention their house looks like a hoarder's rubbish tip? And that the boys have emotional issues? Their neurotic helicopter parents were too afraid, among many other things, of asking the boys to help out as youngsters, for fearing of causing tantrums. Ay-yay-yay.....
18
Congrats on raising such a resourceful and talented son! But I think that so much can be gleaned from the way you describe your step daughter in law. No doubt she’s aware of your feelings towards her. I’m not sure I’d want my kids involved if you described me like this and commented on their emotional issues. I’m willing to bet they would pitch in a lot more if you extended yourself and tried to like them.
10
@DemetroulaI am amused at your description of your step-daughter-in-law's objection to her sons being used as "servants" by being asked to pass food! My daughter was very resistant to the idea of chores although she did help reluctantly, but her idea of heaven was to be asked to help with anything to do with parties! Pass the hors d'oeuvres? Great! Take coats? Marvellous! Be the photographer? Sublime!
This was another kind of learning experience -- to learn to be kind to guests and make them feel at home while also being of real help to the family.
3
Unfortunately I think the goal of many parents IS to raise a coddled child who enters the Ivy League. However, its not an either or matter. And indeed a self-interested egotist is not an appealing Ivy League candidate. My alma mater’s motto is the University’s name “in the Nation’s Service and The Service of all Humanity”. Someone who has barely or never contributed to their household is hardly someone like to make lives better for others in the future. Many of the fellow students at my Ivy League University not only achieved in school and extra curricular activities but also played substantial roles in the running of their households. And this was not done because of parental orders. It was done out of necessity. This is certainly the case for many in this country including the middle class.
7
No number of studies can deny the obvious, namely, that chores are an essential part of a child's upbringing. It might be more difficult to persuade boys than girls to join in, as girls naturally gravitate towards their mums during cooking, but they should be persuaded nonetheless.
When everything is done for children they take life for granted, and getting them to undertake (and hopefully enjoy) chores they dislike will enable them to cope better in later life with routine tasks and duties that would otherwise constitute a burden.
My own grandchildren love helping my daughter, especially in separating waste for recycling, as the books they read about pollution have made them enthusiastic about protecting the environment. So it helps if a parent can persuade, rather than command, a child to do something.
16
The question isn't choosing whether or not to give your kids chores, (that should be a no-brainer), rather, making them do the chores—regularly and on a schedule.
But when I was a kid, (Gen-X, here), kids feared their parents. For better and worse, they don't anymore, which makes enforcing order more difficult. And that's on us, not them.
11
Those kids that want to be their mom or their dad the most seem to volunteer for chores more. Just my 2 cents.
Kids doing chores is indeed a preparation for adult life, no question about it.
4
@L'osservatore
Does anyone actually /want/ their kids to want to be them? Personally, that would be another kind of red flag.
1
It is easy to get them started helping while they still think it is fun, My kids wanted to wash dishes when they were 3 and 4. They stood on the kitchen chairs to do it. Yes, it was messy and took at least twice as long. These days my granddaughter brings out her bathroom stepstool so she can watch me cutting and mixing for dinner. At 2-1/2 she excels at breaking off the ends of the asparagus spears and seems very proud of being a good helper. She also wants to help feed the dog and water the potted plants on the patio.
39
love this. I'm a big believer in the value of engaging kids in the daily tasks that make a family run, for all the reasons outlined in this article. my dad made sure all of us played a part in household chores. he taught me to scour the bathroom sink when I was 5 and paid me a quarter each time. by age 6 I'd saved enough to by myself a Gumby, a Slinky and a Superball. Hot dog! I love to work, I love earning money AND i love spending it. Life is good. thanks Dad!
36
It's very much a question of role models: if only Ma and the girls are expected to help with housework ... or if your mother (like mine) says you have to work hard to get out of this working-class dump we live in, so no housework for you ... I later married a girl who had also learned that it was the woman who did the housework and raised the kids, while the husband went out to work. She too saw it as the kids' task to do well at school and not to "waste" time helping around the house. Small wonder, then, that our marriage eventually failed because she wanted more from life. Strangely enough, though, all three children (2 girls, one boy) became caring and responsible parents, and don't seem to have repeated our mistakes.
My children from my second marriage were not expected to help, but somehow they just did -don't ask me why! And I certainly did my share around the house this time round ...
What it comes down to is not making too many hard and fast rules, but finding a modus vivendi for all the family. If you're free and the dishwasher needs emptying, you do it. If for some reason you're in a hurry or have some other urgent task, say so and ask somebody else to do it. Learning to give and take might also be a good basic qualification for future presidents, don't you think?
26
Why do parents dislike discipline? There is nothing wrong with self discipline; that is what make us each successful.
Perhaps, what parents should think about is leadership. Parents will not have a successful college student or young adult who does not know how to manage her/his time and take care of their own needs.
We lead our children into adulthood, but teaching them what is important and showing them, by our example, how to complete the tasks. Early on, we should be turning over to young children as much of a task as they can handle. Success leads to confidence, and confidence spreads to all facets of the child's life.
In Married Student Housing, we treated our children like small people. We treated them with the same courtesy we treated our friends and colleagues, and we explained how to do things like put dishes in the sink. They are all successful, well-educated adults today.
8
It seems very odd to me that the majority of comments don't mention social class. I was expected to babysit my sister by the time I was about 9 or 10 yrs old. There was no allowance. This wasn't a 'chore.' It was a task that needed to be done and I did it. My parents were working class and only took a few college classes. They didn't have the income to pay for babysitters, especially when my sister and me were very young. I get the sense that most of the comments have been posted by adults who grew up in upper middle class or upper class homes.
142
@Leah. Exactly. Teaching a child to be neat so as not to trouble the weekly housecleaner seems vaguely important but not exactly compassion building or developing much responsibility.
1
Excellent observation. And I would surmise that is due to an overwhelmingly large number of The Times subscribers being from upper middle to upper class families.
AS A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO HAS PRIMARILY WORKED WITH CHILDREN FOR MANY YEARS, I would reframe the conversation that the author proposes. Children thrive from strong positive attachments to primary caregivers. They are comforted by being able to fulfill what they're wired to do--to imitate the actions of the adults so they can identify with them. That is the basis for letting kids participate in household chores at a developmental level that they can master. Children grow in their sense of self mastery since they thrive on the love, caring and affection they receive from the adults. They learn to be concerned about the feelings of others because they observe the adults in the family care about the kids' feelings. The writer's position is based on an incomplete analysis of what constitutes a functional family dynamic. It starts with adults who have received love and respect from their parents and other family members, so they can pass it down to the next generation. Setting clear expectations and giving supportive feedback about the child's efforts to master tasks are basic to the process of developing a sense of mastery, coping, problem solving and cooperation--all components of positive self esteem. The process can start even with infants who want to stick their fingers in the parent's mouth, then decide to share their food with the parents, mirroring the interactions the parents model. Of course there are many other examples. But I think that the goals is teamwork & love!
120
What I've seen not working about having kids do chores: disagreement between the parents about how those chores will be done. In the family I'm thinking of, the kids felt buffeted by competing demands the parents couldn't seem to iron out. As a result the kids grew to hate housework (even more than normal) because it meant being caught between 2 parents. The children very effectively learned that nothing good comes of housework.
11
One of the chores I had as a teenager was doing the weekly family grocery shopping. I was given a list and a certain amount of money. It was my job to get everything on the list with the funds provided.
I couldn't go over the amount given because I got dropped off at the store & had no way to get more (this was pre-ATM), but I did get to keep any money not spent, as long as I got everything on the list.
I learned how to shop economically real fast.
63
Happy? Who did you talk with?
I grew up on a very large farm and HATED it. My parents were professionals-the perennial Country Club tennis and golf champs.
They bought a large farm:
1) As great land speculation for a university town tripling in size and needing nice homes to draw good profs and staff.
2) To show us 5 kids that working was GOOD for us...there was NO happy about it. So while parents were working, then being with friends at the Country Club I was baling hay and tossing 70# wet alfalfa bales onto a flatbed truck. Putting up barbed wire fence with posts we cut from our woods-Black Walnut which had a zillion thorns in the bark so we had to cut off the barbs too. Working with beef cattle and getting stomped on often. I was always covered in deep scratches, abrasions, and bruises. I was embarrassed wearing short sleeves and skirts.
We went to a private school and looked COMPLETELY out of place. Even if I could have gone out for cheerleading, debate club, or class officers (I had morning chores and evening chores, weekends too, and worked ALL summer every day) I was embarrassed how I looked. I didn’t have one date in prep school. I heard the jokes.
I can do ANYTHING w carpentry, plumbing, wiring, and fixing tractors and equipment but I missed out on my childhood and my high school years. I turned inward and once I left home with a full scholarship I never went back home.
We were free labor. Not paid a penny and zero allowance.
Happy? Not on your LIFE!
40
Sounds like a great life honestly. Even if you had free time you would still have been an introvert.
3
@Nuschler: It sounds like your childhood home environment was unhealthy. It's sad that instead of working with their children on the farm to create parent-child bonds, your parents enjoyed a social life. It's difficult to ascertain from your post, but it sounds like your parents might have been somewhat neglectful of their children's needs, maybe in more ways than one? I have a hunch that after leaving home, you did what you had to do to heal and move on to create a happier and healthier adult life.
36
@Nuschler
Oh, the conversations you must be having around the Thsnksgiving and Christmas tables these days!
Your kids' takes on all this would be compelling reading....
May your family gatherings be truly blessed with health, happiness, and peace.
2
I was chained to the lawn each weekend, mowing, trimming, fertilizing, and edging it to perfection under my father's tyrannical supervision, or I was washing and vacuuming three automobiles, all from age nine. I had no time to socialize with neighborhood children, and by the time I reached adulthood I lacked social skills. My parents wound up paying for my therapy, which has totaled into the hundreds of thousands of dollars, for which I feel ashamed and guilty. Of course, there is nothing wrong with children helping out around the house, but like all good things, it should be done in moderation. Children need a little time to play, too.
110
@JDL But helping around the house is what the author is recommending, not unending labor you seem to remember being forced to do.
7
When I was in 8th grade, I reminded my mother that I had a track meet after school. She said: "No, you don't! You didn't clean your room, so you will not be be racing anyone until your room is clean. Extracurricular activities, like track, are a privilege." That was last time she had to remind me to clean my room. The track coach, however, never missed the opportunity to remind before the next meet.
60
The comments illustrate the wonderful diversity of families' approaches to chores. We settled on a collaborative game where the children assigned points as they thought were fair for our family, and by 6 they had a good grasp of fairness. And after piling up points they could redeem them for rewards, typically enhanced privileges like more video time. They defined the rewards in answer to what were fair rewards for that work. This concept of fairness was central to what we wanted to convey to our kids. Unfortunately, later on we learned that crossing rewards with non-trivial chores we probably were mixing up the rewards of a job well done and the reward associated with prize. But the persistent result of this approach was to break down the power relationship from big versus small to a collaborative one. We practiced as parents to work with and value our kids' concepts of fairness. This ability to communicate and trust outweighed any result of any chore being done. This worked for our family. Thanks to all for sharing their success stories. The common thread of success is when parents take the time and effort to make it happen.
3
I grew up with five sisters and one brother. Please hold your applause. We all thought we worked too hard, until we worked. Anything that makes you feel like a family, be it a meal, a ritual or a spring cleaning that ruins everybody's day, is worth it if you walk away, a little more family. Truth is I remember those chores as contributing, doing my share, making a difference. We fought all day and laughed all day and spent all day together. I know one thing for sure, it wasn't the chores that made me happy, it was my family.
90
Getting your children involved in household chores makes them more responsible, autonomous and grow up faster.
There was never the excuse of extracurricular activities to avoid helping out at home , when I was growing up long time ago .
Those were the rules that made us children responsible, diligent and caring
17
Children should do chores, but the attitude and language has to change. "Chores" has a very negative connotation -- in Japan, where chores are an integral component of a child's upbringing and education, the attitude among young children and teens is vastly different. "Souji" (English: cleaning) is everyone's responsibility and made part of the school's daily, not "routine" or "chore", but "life". This extends to the cafeteria and also at preparing meals and cleaning at home when not studying.
Children are taught that student has a responsibility, a job, and it works surprisingly very well. Beyond the school grounds, children are more likely than not to be careful about trash, litter and spills in general. If you've ever been to a densely populated city like Tokyo which has more inhabitants per square mile than New York City metro, the stark difference in cleanliness is like night and day: Tokyo is one of the cleanest and organized cities on the planet, while places like New York City or Los Angeles, not very much.
Everyone does it. Everyone is expected nothing less than taking part in the beautifying the home or school grounds for an 30-45 minutes each day and no one complains about it.
171
Edit: some postings emphasize the fear of a decline in doing well in school or work as a result of doing housework or chores -- societies where children are taught that cleaning up after themselves is just a basic part of life actually do better on test scores and extracurricular activities (e.g., Japan ranks as one of the highest test-scoring nations with zero illiteracy and schools there emphasize cleaning not just a classroom but every inch of the campus and also at doing their part at home and abroad -- search videos on Japanese children cleaning their own schools). It has to be instilled in children and teens as a basic component of their livelihoods.
There's no trade-off: one can take the time to do basic housework, volunteering for the local community to clean public spaces and clean schools without sacrificing in academics. It's not a routine -- it's life. This is what I mean by shifting the attitude and language.
11
@Tobias What you're describing is similar to the environment in which I grew up (In upstate New York) as a kid in the '50s. We all pitched in, and it seemed completely natural to do it. To this day, I don't litter, I return my shopping cart to the coral, I help others reach things on high shelves (I'm 6 feet tall), and I put things away when I'm done with them. It's ingrained. I'm glad I grew up when and where I did! And I'm glad that's still the way things are done in Japan.
7
As a parent with 5 kids, the oldest ones now parents of kids able (and actually doing) household chores I would say that the most important thing in getting children on board to do age, etc. appropriate share of chores is ... both parents sending them (more or less) the same message.
Resist tendency to do them yourself (even if done "better", which is often subjective criteria, or faster) while communicate the request to do them calmly and as a matter of fact.
So, from my corner, the article strikes reasonable, real life balance (also supported by inevitable, even prestigious academia studies:).
I would have only one (tongue-in-cheek or otherwise) question: Did the (based on NYT practices very likely) female Illustrator intentionally excluded a Caucasian boy from doing chores as critique of some patriarchal white privilege or due to general practices (in media, textbooks, etc.) to show "traditionally underrepresented" segments of population? I don't want my (impressionable) daughters to take the clue from the picture that day - unlike their brothers - are expected to be the ones doing most of the chores.
7
Best thing I ever did was to teach my twins how to do laundry. There is nothing more beautiful than when I see a pile of clean, folded clothes on my bed, ready to be put away. It’s like magic!
25
No surprise. Our country is more narcissistic than ever. The rights of individuals *trumps* the right of the commons. Look who's in the White House, a grifting conman who has bragged about never changing his children's diapers.
On a related note, teenagers used to learn a lot about personal responsibility and fiscal sensibility by having part-time jobs during the school year, working more hours during the summers. Those jobs don't exist anymore. Used to be teenagers working the fast food jobs, doing retail in the malls, mowing lawns and clearing snow in small businesses started by a friend in high school. Now the jobs with a paycheck have been taken over by adults who consider the employment a career track, while the government brags about the employment figures. And the entrepreneurial jobs working outside for cash from neighbors have been taken over by the hard-working Latinos. Adults doing jobs for a living that used to be the domain of teenagers, adults making what used to be spending money and part of the college fund for teenagers.
23
We are raising a generation of children who seem to be "accommodated" more and more. It's a type of spoiling that allows parents to think they are not really "spoiling" their children (because they sometimes say no, or have some rules, or don't buy them "everything they want"), but results in pretty much the same thing: children who believe that they should not HAVE to do (or go to, or hear, or experience) anything they find upsetting, disturbing or uncomfortable, because their parents consistently avoid insisting that they do so by accommodating them. I see this parental behavior often, and more often than not, it results in children who are having varying degrees of emotional and behavioral problems. One of the biggest is anxiety. Why anxiety? Because kids know they are not actually supposed to be in charge, and it makes them anxious to realize that they are. They can't tell you that, of course, and of course they want what they want when they want it (little ids that they are), but that does not mean they should be getting it.
Being a good parent starts with not abdicating your responsibility to be the person in charge. Your children need that more than you know. So yes, chores. And a whole lot more stuff they probably don't want to do (or go to, or hear, or experience) too.
74
Coming from a single parent family, I reflect on my mother's experience. I think that as a child she was exempt from family chores because her family was on an upward climb that spared her from ordinary household work. She had, I believe, an idea that she was above it all, that wasn't dashed until she had to raise three children on her own. A consequence is that she did not know how to teach us kids how we could contribute constuctively to our common enterprise. I also think that we probably weren't a very happy family.
People need to be taught how to be helpful in a common living group. And if you never learned it as a child, you have to be exceptional to understand it, make it part of your adult life, and then convey it to the younger generation.
19
Traditional verities like chores today … maybe low taxes, self-sufficiency and an unwillingness to allow an administrative state to intrude too pervasively in everyday life tomorrow? Could be a healthy progression.
As a child I had many chores, but the only fixed one I was assigned was the cleaning of the house's bathrooms. Since I was a-retentive (still am at 63), I was meticulous, and as most children come to learn fairly early, you inevitably get stuck with doing what you're good at. Those who survive and prosper learn to live with that and not let it destroy the desire to develop native talent; and those who suffer diminished life outcomes learn to avoid unpleasant tasks by being good at nothing.
The only downside to these lessons has been the need to consciously avoid janitorial services as an adult.
2
many years ago my friend dropped while my six year old daughter was sorting laundry and getting ready to load the washer. She was astounded but I felt it was something she was capable of doing and she did it easily. She's now a 45 year old executive who handles many responsibilities at home and at work and it all began in childhood.
16
I agree that children should have chores to do. But the parents must be willing to let the child learn how to do the chores correctly. My parents failed on that. My mother expected me to know things she never told me and screamed at me when I got it wrong. Very often she'd then tell my father what I did wrong and I got hit. What I learned from this was that I was their whipping girl, not a valued part of the family. It didn't matter what my brother or I did to help: it was never done well enough for them.
My mother complained that I didn't know how to cook a meal. But she never once sat down with me to plan a meal, to show me how to cook the meal, etc. She and my father complained, yelled, and beat me. It's a wonder that I ever bothered to learn to cook for myself, do my laundry, clean my room, etc. I will say that the way they treated me as a child when it came to chores and other things convinced me that being an adult was not something I ever wanted to be.
Having said this about my parents I will say that I don't feel that someone else should pick up my garbage for me, do my laundry for me, or that public spaces are for littering. I did grow up when there were ads and admonitions out there telling all of us to leave a place nicer than the way we found it. Too often now I see adults and children leave their garbage wherever they happen to have been sitting while they ate. Chores may not be the best part of childhood but they do teach us important things.
28
If you don't teach kids how to do stuff, including work around the house... how will they ever learn? Plus it helps them understand and even enjoy a sense of responsibility, sense of being needed, being reliable, and being part of something beyond themselves.
26
@former MA teacher. Lol. I never did my own laundry or cleaned anything til I lived on my own. It’s not rocket science. It really really easy to learn.
10
Healthy teens have jobs. What can we do to advance employment for young adults? How might we take advantage of the tight labor market to advance teen maturity?
We should not let this opportunity pass us by.
4
Learning to put away one's toys or to clean up after oneself or to help clear off the table do not constitute "chores", a left-over of an anachronistic frontier-type farm-ranch ideology. This is just growing up and learning some responsibility.
If a child enjoys being with a parent and helping out in various household "chores" that is fine. I did Sunday morning lawn work with my father for years. My younger brothers had allergies and that was out for them. Was this a "chore"? Did they not do "chores"? I don't know, but with or without chores everybody ended up successful titled professionals.
Some type of work ethic is important to learn, discipline and especially self-discipline is important, but there is no one size fits all. That goes for children and parents.
35
Where do you live that a farm or ranch lifestyle is considered an anachronism? It certainly is not in rural states. Someone has to raise the livestock and grow the crops before it arrives in a big city grocery. Kids continue to do chores. But these days the young would be farmer or rancher also needs a degree and should know how to run his or her ag business.
9
@Bookworm8571 And the "chore" ethos might be entirely appropriate and not anachronistic for a farm in North Dakota (or for that matter a kibbutz in the Beth Shean Valley), but that does not make it appropriate for Teaneck or Forest Hills.
My parents were not overly strict, but I was required to clean my room, load the dishwasher, weed the garden, fold laundry, shell peas, snap beans or shuck corn, etc. I spent hours mowing the lawn when I was 11 or 12. When I visited my brother, his 8 and 12 year olds were charged with feeding the cat and cleaning the litter box. Kids who don’t grow up doing this sort of thing are spoiled and entitled. We don’t need a generation of kids who think that sort of task should be left to the maid or to Mom. A work ethic is as valuable for career success as homework and cultural enrichment.
48
I came to be a believer in this headline during this past school year. I had two students who were both strugglingly mightily in their academic work. Both had two very caring, loving, involved, smart, hard working parents.
One student was given every distraction, toy, and trip imaginable. He suffered from depression. The other had chores. He knew just what they were and when he had to do them. He was one of the most cheerful people I have ever known.
Can’t really make anything of this- just two wonderful kids I observed. But watching them made me personally a believer that kids with chores are happy kids.
I’m convinced, chores must be one of the hardest, and very best gifts to give. Wish it weren’t so hard to follow through...
18
My mother didn't like to clean the house, so she made the kids do it. She discussed this with my aunt who told us about this.
Mother loved to cook, but didn't teach her daughters how.
Consequently I entered adulthood hating to clean and cook.
I'm single and don't have kids, but I do have a housekeeper.
11
I’m pretty sure now that you are an adult you can learn how to cook and clean now and don’t blame your mother about hating to clean. No one likes to clean.
3
I knew it; it was bound to happen.
Years ago, an older professor in my department had what she called "The Pendulum Theory of History," which is if you just live long enough, you will be hit in the head by the pendulum swinging back in a direction that once was the norm and fashionable. Especially with child rearing, she said.
So, after decades of worrying about children's self-esteem (now squashed in the age of addictive social media by trolls and brats), helicopter parenting, being a pal and good friend to your children, and stressing their success in school to get into an ivy/prestigious college, we are rediscovering the need to teach children responsibility for others, contributing to the household by doing chores (which is only fair, given working parents). Bravo!
I am pretty sure Trump's parents didn't ask him to do chores, and look how he turned out!
55
This was a good reminder to me that a child whining and complaining doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong. My son (7) does chores, but he complains the whole time while I stand there saying “Okay now put that fork in the dishwasher. Okay, now put the spoon in.” (I’m exaggerating, but that is how it feels sometimes.). I appreciate the encouragement to continue fighting the good fight.
278
@Jen and one day he'll say the same thing to his children if he ever has them. And when he goes off to college or lives on his own he'll know how to care for himself. In my opinion no child should be unable to take care of his laundry by the time he is a teen. No child should be unable to sort the recyclables. They should be able to make their beds, clean the bathroom, shovel a driveway, prepare a meal, etc.
Unless there is a substantial inheritance awaiting the child when she grows up, it's better to know how to take care of oneself and that's what chores are for. That they teach a child to be considerate is a happy side effect.
20
Happy Parents do not have the lazy, thoughtless attitude of: "coddle towards Ivy League". Happy Parents must understand that it takes hard work, doing the Homework, doing the thinking, doing the development of manners, to do well in School. Providing a foundation that will help their child towards landing a great position in the Future... their Future. It doesn't have to be the Ivy League. This author should know that.
As for New Products planned for Market, the chores that her kids do now, are pretty much eliminated. Clean their dishes, clean the kitchen, feed animals, take-out trash. All gone from the Household. Eliminated. Chores for Parents would be spending time with their kids, developing their conversation skills, for example.
Are the kids there for the Parents identity, or are the Parents actually there for the kids? I disagree with KJ, the article's author.
I suppose it could be worse, but I know it could be much more intelligent, and she could be preparing her kids for the best that life has to offer. Perhaps even helping them avoid debt and poor economic skills. At least she doesn't have them living on a harsh farm, or "off-the-grid".
6
@Kim Susan Foster
What invention do you have that takes out the trash? I need it.
4
It fills me with so much pride and happiness when I see my 4 year old daughter clean up her toy room.
She even offers to help me unload the dishwasher, fill the washing machine, and even fold the small towels while I fold the laundry. And I enjoy her company and talking to her while we complete these tasks.
Maybe the problem is that the demands of living in this country and earning a living are so great that we have to be away from home a lot that there's little time to do this work together. Most parents do housework after the kids are bathed and asleep.
109
@R
Also when children are young - they like helping! They like doing what adults do. Best to show them how when it's still fun - even if they get in the way.
45
I did many chores as a child because I wanted to. My parents didn't believe in forcing that type of domestic "situation". I had to do my homework, and was expected to excel in school - or, to my fullest potential. This was my "job", my chore, my father told me ... and so I did, and loved my father all the better for it. Then again, this was all a long time ago. Things are so different now.
7
I have raised a daughter, who fortunately married a man who is self-sufficient, shares in all household tasks, cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. Why did she pick this man? Because of the role model she grew up with. Her father and I split all the household tasks, We did not debate who did what. And, she was expected to participate. There wasn't a lot of negotiation when she was little and we started young, teaching her how to clean her room, throw things out, and be organized. The teen years were not pleasant or fun. She avoided all chores and found endless excuses, but she cleaned her own room and did her own laundry-as her mother, I simply refused to do these things for her when she turned 13. If more parent's were less accommodating and helped their children become independent all of you would be happier.
89
@Rachel Bird
Really important stuff you did that not all parents know to do: you showed her HOW to do the chores, and both you and her father MODELED what you wanted her to learn.
14
@Rachel Bird
"you would be happier" .... and so would they be.
1
I couldn’t agree more -children ought to be equal partners when running a home. If nothing else because it teaches them to be responsible to someone other than themselves.
Just as it should be for both men and women (husband and wife) sharing in equal measures the running of the home, but we know this is not the case. Women are the ones doing much more than their 50% share, even if she is part of a two-paycheck household.
We teach children to be ethical by our actions, not with our words.
We someone is in need, we help. They see us doing so.
We instill generosity and charity, we scold them for not being truthful, we point out injustices by making comments of how something or other was unfair. Children get the message loud and clear.
And we teach them that their own happiness comes from feeling good about themselves.
When you do something for others, the payback is yours alone. YOU did something good, never mind the benefit to that someone.
Actions, not words. And definitely not only chores around the house.
8
@c The statistics still indicate, as you mentioned, that women do more household chores than their male partners.
I always wondered and would like to ask you (or any other reader) what those males do when their female partners do that extra share of household chores?
They are on sofa watching TV or they are with buddies from work at after-work beer? They are not at gym or at shopping mall. So, what they do causing them not to do their equal share of chores? Thank you.
Note: I will skip the fact that - to a statistically significant degree - as far as household chores all the way to if kids should wear today a hat or not goes - women tend to insists that there is only one way and the best way - which happened to be their way - to do them.
2
@c- kids are kids not adults in some big corporation or partners in a law firm... geez.. stop and think.. kids need to be kids and have lots of play time too
Nope. No chores here. Maybe because I was’t expected to do chores as a kid. Yet as an adult I actually like cleaning and organizing and don’t feel like some that it’s drudgery. My husband who was expected to do a lot of chores can’t believe how clean our now young adult children keep their apartment and how “ into” doing laundry they are and how they can have a 15 minute discussion with me about cleaning products, when they were never expected to do chores or laundry.
We were definitely into the “ school is your job” thing. Worked for us.
32
@AJ
I am with you. Causation relation btwn kids being required to do household chores and how they - as adults - keep their home clean (and doing their equal share of chores with their partners) is overstated.
There are more variables than that in play. One of them is high expectations from themselves as far as achieving in life. That extra focus on academics (even at expense of not doing chores) pays off even in the ability to pay for domestic help.
The proverbial Asian high school and Ivy League achievers come from family background in statistically significant degree emphasizing priority of academic excellence over any household chores.
Not only with our 5 kids graduating from HS and heading toward college I never saw a parent, like anyone else witnessing Asian student dominance as valedictorians, salutatorians, Ivy League admitted freshmen saying: Well, my kids are not up there but I am happy and proud I have them do good chunk of household chores. That's real life.
6
@AJ Because, you can't do both scholastic work and household work? That is blatantly false - and don't kid yourself that all the work your kids are doing is schoolwork; lots of the computer time is social media - I was a school teacher and know.
8
@AJ
A good reminder that there’s no one “correct” way to raise a family
1
The key is to start young and keep your expectations reasonable. Don't expect perfection. Show appreciation for hard work and effort, and understand it will take time for them to become proficient. In the short run, it's easier to do it yourself, but you're not raising kids for the short term! At 4, we expected our kids to clear their plates, fill the dog's water bowl and put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. As they grew, we added jobs like walking the dog, setting the table, vacuuming, cleaning out the car, etc. By the time they were teenagers, they were each responsible for cooking dinner once a week. It sometimes made for interesting meals & I won't say they all love to cook, but they all can! And they left for college/work being able to sew on a button, cook a meal, do the laundry, unclog a sink & keep their living spaces in reasonable order. In addition to making them feel like valued members of the family, it prepared them for running their own households, for being grown-up. Kids want that.
62
@A. T. Cleary. My daughter, now vegan, declared herself to be vegetarian in high school so it became her responsibility to figure out healthy choice meals for herself, which we also ate from time to time. My son became deeply involved with Japanese culture through his language studies, so he made us sushi and noodle dishes from time to time. We always ate breakfast and dinner as a family. Food is so important for bonding.
6
I agree with you conjecture. My sister saw fit to birth five males, who, as they matured, were not tasked with any substantive and regular chores. As adults my nephews are largely devoid of a 'sense' or responsibility and service to others. Though 'Youth is wholly experimental." (Robert Lewis Stevenson), the 'experiment' must be tolerated by parents and society within reasonable non-destructive limits. Transition from youth to adult must be prepared by years of inculcating, through guidance and discipline, youth for the world they will assume.
8
@LongView
Who, who raised your five nephews that way?
Your sister? Their father whom she chose as life partner?
Patriarchal society through its devilish machinations?
I grew up in a strict Italian household. I now have three teenage sons who all do their chores. No ifs ands or buts. I never hit them. I never threatened them. I just made them aware of the consequences of their inaction and stuck to my principals. Don’t get me wrong, I’m surely not the best father in the world, but my children appreciate my honesty and sincerity. They understand that when I say no, I mean no. It’s really simple actually: if the boys don’t do their chores and help around the house, their lives will be different in every respect. And they know it. No chores, no phone. No chores, no going out. No chores, well you get the picture. Try it, it works.
160
@Mickey
How well they do at school? What's their ranking? What college majors and professions they are pursuing?
Is there a statistically significant link between doing household chores and being above average or top x% academics and professional achievements?
6
You’re wrong about one thing Mickey, you’re a GREAT father. Your kids are lucky to have you.
3
Rather than giving children chores ask them to participate with an you. Washing the dishes with an adult who enjoys interacting with the child can be a real treat for both. Scrubbing floors on your hands an knees together (the only way to get them clean) means that kids will not only see themselves as becoming an adult it also makes them more protective of that clean floor.
Please don't ever give any child the trash detail . In their mind it is equating them with trash. If you want them out of your hair for a while ask them to pick up the books in their room. They probably wont pick up much but they will soon get lost in some book for a while. Ask them to work beside you on the chores and you may both be happy with the results.
16
@Bunbury
"trash detail" should be a regular chore for youth growing toward adulthood in a familial environment. As with washing the automobile, mowing the lawn, and helping grandparents, the 'trash detail' is a requirement in all families and, if properly presented, should give the child understanding that human-generated trash occurs in all societies through the millennium. An added positive of 'trash detail' is that, if presented in the proper context, youth may be educated about the enormous deprivation of the biogeosphere and the importance of a minimalist approach to use of Earth resources and the ultimate repository of the waste generated by resource use and consumption.
19
I bought my son a kid sized broom when he was three. Now a teen, he's still into helping out and cleaning around the house, 'without' having to ask. He has learned that cleaning is more fun doing it together. Also, that more hands make less work. Try teaching that to an entitled teenager or young adult. There are no do-overs. Have them pick up their own toys and put them away as soon as they are able to. Then start them on their clothes by putting them away, hanging up coats or in the laundry basket.
While you're at it, teach them to cook! Start by doing small prep work along side of you in the kitchen. They'll be whipping up omelettes if you show them. My kid's friend's parents adore him. He offers to do the dishes when he is a guest. I like having him around too. Not a bad egg.
183
Dr. Thomas Gordon, of the Parent Effectiveness Training program (and Nobel Prize nominee), noted that most children want to please their parents. Of course, he was referring to healthy homes where the children are happy and respected, not abusive homes where victimized children are abject and conforming to win a sliver of "love." It's the parents' approach to children, and the emotional atmosphere of home, that inspire children to want to climb on board.
37
@Fred- happy children do chores.. insisting an persisiting doesn't make a happy child!!! I know, i wasn't a happy child, so when my mom insisted and persisted and threatened and insulted me then hit me to get me to do chores, i figured out what kind of mom(and dad) i had. Resentment and eventually fear and loathing followed as years went by. i Think the author needs to re-evaluate her position and maybe get retrained herself.
Isn’t it great how children are being trained to do domestic housework when so many Americans used to only even have children to do hard labor? It’s just like the good old days.
Except now we know what a lifelong advantage that children who grow up surrounded by culturally enriching activities have. Oops.
3
Your nagging solution is a dead end. It's exhausting for everyone. It also requires equal commitment from both spouses. I myself wanted there to be consequences, things that would matter, things that would hurt (not corporal punishment of course). The spouse thought that any consequence should exactly fit the crime. The perfect punishment, in other words. This usually didn't exist so the chores didn't get done.
When I was a kid I did chores. If I didn't do them there were consequences, including corporal punishment. But I had far fewer privileges that my kids did. There were fewer opportunities to inflict non corporal pain. I absolutely agree with what you say about chores and it can be done.
4
Call a divorce attorney. Your kids, and my kids—who will have to work with your kids—will thank you.
8
How about this: no chores and I take your iPhone, iPad, and all electronic devices. No chores and you will not be allowed out with your friends. Just two off the top of my head. Hope it helps.
23
Recently saw post of parent's note to kids.. In effect .. I asked you to do the following chores or else. Not done. Here's the else... WiFi is now password protected.
Thought it an effective way to draw a line in sand. What was dismaying were comments from other adults who thought this was bad parenting. And not just bad parenting.. "Abusive parenting"... Etc.
2
Children want to feel needed. They, like most adults, desire to be part of a community and their earliest community is the nuclear family. I was the eldest of four children. My next sister and I seemed to have more chores assigned than the younger two - perhaps because my mother did not have the energy to 'encourage' chore completion as subsequent children appeared. In the 65 years since those earliest chores, my observation continues to be that those children charged with responsibilities at home become the most creative and engaged of adults. We chore-doers were often seen dusting or setting the table with noses in a good book. Mothers overlooked that, perhaps secretly pleased that children were getting the job done while dreaming bigger dreams.
16
As a mom of four 20-somethings (three girls and a son) I find myself eternally mystified by parents who run the household without the kids contributing. That would make me feel like servant. I would have been filled with resentment. As they hit their teens, in addition to having one room be their responsibility to clean once a week and doing their own laundry (they started at maybe 5 or 6 on that), I insisted they all learn to cook. Wow, were they stunned when they got to college and found that many of their peers couldn't wash their own clothing or scramble an egg while they could bake wedding cakes, make handmade pasta, and make entire meals on the grill. The happiest of the four? My son, now 25 and a grillmaster extraordinaire, who found that a young man who can put a full dinner on the table in an hour from scratch is an undergraduate God Among Men. Disclaimer? From what I can tell, he does WASH his own laundry, but putting it away seems to be just not-happening.
269
@Rebecca- your kids could have learned all of those wonderful things without you insisting on their doing chores.. I did, i learned, on my own after moving out during college into my own place, that i had to learn how to do all personal, basic daily needs.. I did.. Not rocket science, just a genuine desire with some common sense added. Don't have to start at the age of 5.. Kids do need to be kids- play is the magic word. work can come later in life.
20
@lou Andrews
Work CAN be very playful, especially with music and/or singing. Children respond well and learn faster.
@Rebecca. I never did laundry til I went to college. Exactly how hard do you think this simple task is? It requires knowlege of about 5 simple rules. It takes no practice to be good at.
Interestingly though as a kid I never had chores I actually like cleaning and thus never feel “ like a servant” because I let my kids concentrate on school elaborate meals work not house work. Today they both keep clean homes as young adults. Oh and they both easily picked up cooking although indod all the cooking at home. Again. This isn’t very hard.
1
Growing up on a farm, my sisters and I had a lot of dirty and fairly hard work to do especially at week ends and during summer vacations (helping with the harvests, large animal care, etc). Not much of it was fun but learning to drive the big tractors certainly was. Most of the work required some skills, especially with the animals, which were good to learn. Girls and boys were treated exactly the same and did the same work. As a result I never questioned feminism. The best thing I got out of all this was the sense of belonging to a community, that was earned through the work. I also got closer to my grandparents who were farmers too, and not yet retired when I was young. Going on vacation at their place meant more work, but I don't think I ever complained about it. We had lots of free time too!
Household chores, not so many benefits. My parents had a fairly strict system, nonetheless my sisters and I argued constantly on whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher. There is no skill involved, and it's not a real job. Sure it helped my mother a little and there was no question we had to do it.
However, as a parent, I think the better battle is to get my kids to be involved in anything outside the home and school: sports, music, whatever they want, but stick to it. Building a sense of purpose out of that is critical, I think.
10
At our house, my kids are expected to pitch in when I ask them, though I don't name specific things as "their chore". They do laundry, clear the table, set the table, cook simple meals like pancakes, watch babies, run errands, do dishes, and take out the trash.
But the kid who is most anxious as a young adult was also the one who mostly just didn't do these things. The others did, but he resisted, ignored, whined, or just seemed unable to do things. Mostly we gradually stopped asking. I wonder if it's not the chores that build character, so much as that people who are mentally unstable show it when they're little by not doing chores? Do we have cause and effect reversed?
77
I always thought that doing chores as a youngster was conducive to good mental health but I think you are on to something.
4
I know I'm old, but I didn't appreciate HOW old until seeing Eighth Grade recently. I was far more sympathetic to the father than to the suffering teenager. He was endlessly patient and giving and asked nothing of his daughter whom he was raising alone. She wasn't a bad person by any means and she will probably be a fine adult. Meanwhile she was being indulged beyond what seemed beneficial to her.
Far more was expected of me at that age and bad behavior was just NOT tolerated. I was sent to my first job by my mother when I was 13 and had at least one job throughout my remaining school years. Do I resent the privileges of young people now? NO, I do not. I think I was more independent at a younger age than I would have been if nothing had been asked of me.
31
@Yellow Dog- that's your opinion, the dad may feel otherwise, he and his daughter live together 24/7 you know. cut the guy a break.
1
I remember the chore schedule my parents put up for us 3 (eventually 4) kids. It was never done perfectly or without reminders but it did reinforce we all had a job to do.
I've just started enlisting my 5- and 7-year-old in doing the dishes after dinner (they've been clearing their plates for a while now). The thing is, when they are young, "chores" are actually fun. Both kids request to do the dishes now, and so far we take turns with the other kid wiping down the table or vacuuming. I know it won't last forever but I'm loving the eagerness to help out! Even if I do have to supervise and help load the dishwasher. It's also just a nice extra time to chat together. Way better than them not giving a second thought to who cleans up after them every day.
85
I grew up with "chores" - both of may parents grew up on farms and chores were not an option. At 73 I think they were a valuable part of learning a work ethic. Even in college as an engineering student I liked to go shovel sand in the school foundry - because I didn't have to do a lot of thinking about it (it was a student job). When in high school I would complain about not getting paid and my dad, love him, would say "you are eating what more do you need". My kids grew up doing chores and so are my grand-kids.
69
Absolutely agree. Chores, especially in the watered down Western sense, are most valuable for providing young humans with a sense of belonging to and connection with a system that extends beyond themselves. That is a valuable attribute to cultivate and nurture an appreciation of, in that it demonstrates how your actions materially affect your world - and the people in it - around you, for better or worse.
20
My mom got me into doing chores with a "ticket system." Different chores, like vacuuming, laundry, dishes were worth a certain number of tickets (she bought a physical roll of colored tickets) which I could "cash in" not for money, but for special outings with her, like to a game center, a faraway mall I favored, and more. It made sense - if I put my time into household needs, she carved out large chunks of time for us to have fun. I looked forward so much to those trips, I was always eager to build my way towards them.
And the chores themselves became ingrained. They built on themselves with time. Once I could drive, I became responsible for picking up groceries, then soon got into cooking. Cleaning up the kitchen segued into cleaning the bathrooms. And so on.
Okay, so I wasn't being presented with altruism as such. But I did learn to be responsible, and we both have fond memories of the times we shared.
191
Our kids had a few chores, mostly symbolic, like clearing dishes and taking out the garbage, when they were young. And they were busy with sports, music and school. We didn't push the chores thing too hard.
By age 10 or 11, they could help with bigger projects and learned skills, like operating a small backhoe or house painting.
From high school through college, there were summer jobs and campus jobs with real paychecks to help pay for college tuition. One worked all summer on an EPA Rivers and Streams study in the wilderness, the other on a public health project with a doctor in Incan villages in the Andes.
We never had to push them to work outside our home, it was their own motivation. I don't see an advantage in being too militant about chores for young children.
40
@Look Ahead
Nuanced opinion, thank you!
2