Surviving Myself (07wooten)

does this occur because one has the resources to do so? really depressed ( maybe just extremely sad, looking back now) when younger and wanted to inflict some sort of self-pain but was too poor to do so. no hammer, needles, razors etc to use nor spare when one was available - was too hungry for myself and my siblings and needed to go out there and hustle to find food. i suppose i could have used a rock or broken glass, but then that would mean self harm would take precious time off trying to find food and shelter to survive. hang in there colton and to anyone going through this, you matter.

Funny, (maybe not), how we all have coping mechanisms. Even into our later adult stages, we all seem to have fall back comfort actions. One wonders what Colton found to replace the self-harm 'n drug use?! Best of luck and the sticking around quote is a daily guiding thought. What will tomorrow bring?! Please may it be better.

well done! thx for ur courage to write this and help others who suffer.

DBT helps

How strange. How utterly strange. A healthy organism seeks pleasure and to avoid pain. To seek pain is a sign of a seriously unhealthy organism. Where would one's mind even get the notion of cutting oneself if it was not something being popularized by adolescents on social media? Research shows that exercise can be as effective a treatment for depression as medication. Why not try exercising and eating right instead of floating some theory that self-harm and mutilating the body releases endorphins and enkephalins --- if that were true, we should be using machetes on ourselves. Something is seriously wrong in a culture where so many of the young either hate themselves so much they will harm the body, or are so benumbed that they damage the body in order to feel anything at all.

As humans we search for the reasons why we do what we do. That I think is where the problem lies. Psychiatrists and psychologists struggle to understand why. They are both confounded and fascinated by human behavior. Even after Herculean efforts to understand, all they can ever come up with are explanations, not causes. Human behavior is too complex for science.

Some cut, some eat, some drink, some drug, some gamble...others shop 'til they drop. Same principle. It's all a form of mental illness....therapy is the answer.

Thank you for writing this honest article. I am a trauma and emotion-centered therapist with a passion for writing to educate the public about trauma and emotions, and how we heal using emotions as a catalyst for brain change. I was moved to write about “Renee” and why she cut herself, “Self-harming behaviors can be understood of as a person’s best attempt to become calm in the face of overwhelming emotional distress combined with utter aloneness. Despite the fact that cutting is ultimately hurtful, both the intention and the short-term effect of self-harming behaviors is to help, not to hurt.” It’s so important that all people receive education on emotions, especially core emotions and shame, and on how the visible and invisible traumas of life affect our brain and body. To me this is a main way to address the current epidemic in depression, anxiety, and addiction. It’s also a key to ending stigmas. Thank you again for writing Colten. I look forward to your book.

The impulse to cut is very deep indeed. Self-flagellation is not just a metaphor. Aboriginals in Australia used to cut themselves & allow their blood to flow onto the ground as a ritual sacrifice.

This was a useless article. Teenagers cut themselves-alright, Amy Adams played a cutter-alright. Things are hard in recovery, will you ever be fully recovered? Who cares. This type of thinking and rumination on depression leads to cyclical hopelessness that sends people that are suffering lower and lower. I’m tired of the endless darkness, small point of light description of depression, it’s lazy and irresponsible. And this was a lazy and irresponsible piece of writing. Shame on you

This makes no sense. We all get depressed, feel rejected or unwanted at some point. Is this reason to cut ourselves to ribbons? Some mental toughness is called for here imo.

Thanks for this courageous op-ed - and thanks to the NYT for its focus on "mental illness". Studies have already shown that for people with chronic physical pain, more than half of the pain is so-called "second arrow pain": pain caused by all the thoughts and emotions provoked by the very fact that you know that this pain won't go away and that there's nothing you can do. It's the fear of the future: what will happen to me professionally and socially if this continues until the end of my life? And financially? What if this will drive me crazy and I'll loose my mental health too? And during the few moments of less intense pain, how long will it take before it comes back, and will I still be able to distract my mind or will I become too "weak" and no longer be able to take it, and become depressive or even want to commit suicide, etc.? With specific mindfulness techniques though, you can completely take away this secondary pain, and learn how to turn towards physical pain with kindness and curiosity, and to feel when leaning into it becomes too hard to bear so that you can switch your focus to deep, positive emotions instead. In the case of chronic emotional pain, an additional layer of second arrow pain is clearly the still widespread social stigma surrounding it. That will only disappear when people like Colton have the courage to speak up and go public with it, so that people can finally understand what's happening, rather than being afraid and then judge others...

I’m re-reading War & Peace at the moment, and a few days ago I was struck to be reminded that Natasha, the novel’s young heroine who some see as an avatar for Russia itself, engages in cutting onstensibly to demonstrate the intensity of her love, I think, for her cousin Sonya. (Or was it her brother Nikolai?) Just goes to show there’s nothing new under the sun - and nothing under the sun not addressed by Leo Tolstoy.

As a young child, I was one of many who were abused by our swim coach and found our parents were unable to deal with that reality for us (this was in the late ‘60s early ‘70s). I lost my ability to use words to express my inner turmoil and frustration and thought often of hurting myself, all the way through college when a 4 story building rooftop jump nearly became a solution. I got through it with the love of friends (not family). As a pediatrician now, I’ve seen a number of teens who clearly cut, pierce, and do so in relative silence. They’ve apparently lost their words too. Your column is the first time I’ve read something so simple to give this condition a context that may help me help them. Mahalo.

Amy Adams' command performance in Sharp Objects is excruciating to watch because its portrait of young person suffering from a pain she can just manage to tolerate through self destructive means rings so true. Ms Adam's character takes care to keep her affliction well hidden, but many real life characters like Montreal's Zombie Boy, the model who took his own life last week, make no secret of the pain they're in but vividly express it in horrific body art and 'crazing'. Zombie Boy clearly needed help, instead his extraordinary degree of self debasement briefly won him a celebrity friend and an agent who now claim to be bereaved at their loss. What a world.

I cut myself when words were not enough. These vulnerable and painfully honest words have placed flesh and bones and especially heart and soul onto thoughts and feelings which cut our skin and the fiber of our being. I have been treating patients who cut themselves for 30 years. The most important thing I know is that each person is different because each person is an indiviudal, not a patient that cuts. Therapy occurs when the relationship between patient and physician is real, personal and authentic, not clinical. I have seen that recovery begins when the experience is seen and described openly without malice, distain, judgement or remorse. It begins by labeling the feeling. When you give a feeling a name, you have dominion over it. Thank you for putting words into an act that is not only nonverbal but more significantly preverbal. People have shared that not enough research has been done on this behavior. I agree. There also has not been enough on its treatment. Fortunately, today there are many effective treatments. The best is done in combination with therapy and medications. The goal is to embrace or experience feeling fully and master the feeling. Then let it pass without acting on it in a self-destructive manner. Many have been prescribed SSRI’s but not enough people who cut themselves have been prescribed Lamotrigine . Nor have they received Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Finally, those you have failed previous treatment have done well with naltrexone.

Thank you for your bravery and I hope you find healing.

Imagine being a child in a neurotic family, and your most beloved connection -- your dog -- is hit and killed by an automobile. It should be clear to any moderately healthy person that what you need to do is bawl to the heavens, call out to your pup with the words and sounds, expressions and movements that are congruent with your feeling. But now, imagine that your aunt approaches you at the stunning moment of tragedy and tells you: "Rover wouldn't want you to cry! Use yours words -- write a poem about your happy and sad feelings about him." Feeling, not verbal or written expression, is the primary expression that can prevent self-mutilation. But it has to find the right words (and sounds), and even more, the right clear listener and carer. It's this last that so many children lack. And when their words and feelings fall at the feet of some blind or distracted or intolerant adult, the pain becomes buried. Later, it may take cutting to let it out, or the sight of blood to help you feel real.

There is clearly a need for more accss to mental healthcare in this country. I find it upsetting that close to 20% of teenagers hurt themselves and think that we should all be very very concerned! This should not be normalized.

We just started watching sharp objects. Amy Adams' performance is intense and near brilliant. Some actors I just love to watch to see how they will deliver their craft, and Adams is shining in this performance more so than anything I have seen in long time. I originally thought this was a one season event ala True Detective so I am sad to hear it going to wind down but I didn't think the story could sustain a longer narrative arc anyhow. I am looking forward to seeing what Adams does next. She has shown herself as one of the most talented actors working today. Thanks to Colton Wooten for sharing his experience and some wisdom and hope for people facing similar feelings. Although there does seem to be isolated instances of cutting in historical medical literature, I do feel cutting is an essentially modern expression that enjoys some significant portion of its increasing prevalence to modern media. Regardless of this catch 22, we still need voices of clarity and hope for those who have fallen into this cyclic dysfunctional behavior at an already challenging time of life for young people.

I cut myself as a teen. My parents told me I was crazy but wouldn't pay for counseling. I did it periodically until I was about 40. One therapist didn't want to discuss it. According to her it was a red herring. Blood is red, I'll give her that. I cut myself badly enough to need stitches. I still have the scars from what I did. I did it because I was depressed that I couldn't feel anything. I did it when I felt extreme stress. I did it because I couldn't believe that any person could relieve my anguish as well as cutting did. I got very lucky with my next therapist. She was willing to have the necessary conversations about cutting. She had the strength to withstand my distress and give me an example of how to listen quietly to what was going on inside. I still suffer from depression but it's been over 20 years since I last cut myself. Of course given how things are now, being unemployed due to ageism, the worry of the costs of being unemployed may trigger the behavior again. The real problem for me, and I think for some others who cut themselves, is that we never really were comforted during our childhoods. I was abused and molested. I was told I shouldn't have born. All of this made cutting myself the logical choice. What I needed was what I never received in childhood (and still don't get now) was someone who liked me enough to love me and to let me depend upon them. What I received instead was continued abuse.

It's so brave of you to write about this aspect of yourself. But it's only one part of you and does not define you. The past is only a memory and not always a clear memory. So be careful with it and how you try to understand it now within the lens of a grown woman. I see patients day in, day out who struggle with so much human pain. Like you they have no words. They drink too much, shot drugs into their bodies, eat to the point of giving themselves heart disease, diabetes and the list goes on. I tell them, like I tell myself and like I tell you when you are despair, accept it. You might not know the answer to your pain today but trust that someday you will. Or someone else will. Or you may never know. Our pain, reaction to it doesn't define us it is just part of being human. You, by the way, sound really awesome.

A professional cannot risk thinking that a cutter will be okay.... sometimes when they go “too far” it is such a release that they do not stop. Yes maybe a coping mechanism, a cry for help, or a sucidal tendency. The cutting not only leaves physical scars, but deep emotional scars that need to be discussed with a mental health professional. Also, they can resurface later in life. Recognizing why is a major step as is realizing you’ve gone too far. Continue to reach out and strive for emotional healing.

I wish someone would write about people who start cutting later in life... not as teenagers but as middle aged adults. I suspect there are more than we realize

Thank you for an excellent combination of data and memoir about self-cutting. While cutting isn't diagnostic in itself (and is often limited to adolescence), it commonly accompanies borderline personality disorder. This sadly maligned syndrome features short-term, intense mood swings which may temporarily be relieved by cutting. As noted in the article, viewing cutting as a maladaptive coping skill may help loved ones empathize with the underlying pain the cutter is trying to cope with. More here: http://blog.stevenreidbordmd.com/?p=123

We are each of great value to our Creator. He went to a lot of effort to show us that he fully intends to have a relationship with us, and these psychological problems will make us forget all that. Whether you are the kid struggling to stand for the national Anthem or the toughest0case lifer in an institution, God still has plans for you.

Another reason for cutting and not limited to kids... Due to an extreme amount of abuse starting in infancy, I became a depressed and very anxiety filled child. The anxiety grew worse in adulthood while the depression abated somewhat. At 45, the anxiety became unbearable and a doctor prescribed Prozac. within 6 weeks, I was floridly suicidal and started cutting myself. At least 30 psych hospitalizations for suicidality and cutting and 15 years later, I had a moment of clarity, I realized I was only getting worse. I dumped the meds and the shrinks. Within a week or two, the suicidality and cutting were gone and have never come back. I consulted a neurologist who told me all the bizarre symptoms I was experiencing, including the cutting behavior were reactions/side-effects of the cocktails of psych drugs I had been taking. Moral of the story -- psych drugs can cause cutting and suicidality, e3ven in adults, so beware...

This is really bizarre behavior. But it's bizarre behavior I have been tempted to employ many times. I haven't gotten there (I'm hardly a teenager!) but I know how it feels to consider it though I can't explain why it feels like a solution. Maybe I haven't gone through with it because of my generally low pain threshold, a survival instinct like the author describes. I'm not sure what he means when he says that he didn't have language to express his emotions. For me, the language is the incessant chatter going on inside my own head that I can't make sense of, or make shut up. I never try to express the nature of my depression to another person - except, strangely, in the anonymous comfort of the occasional NYT comment! I knew a teenage girl who did this. Highly intelligent, accomplished, beautiful, hard working. She got through it and became a very successful adult. Cutting isn't recommended as a path to success, but it fills some sort of need. But it's a danger sign and should trigger prompt, compassionate intervention.

Self inflicted pain and endorphin release could also describe extreme endurance athletes

Thank you for this article. It's not just young people. I began self mutilating in my middle 40's and it went on for at least 5 years, when it morphed into a severe eating disorder. It began because I needed to know if I could feel anything and then turned into rage. I had never been allowed to express anger in my youth and directed it all towards myself. I have been in recovery for about 15 years. The scars remind me of the pain and despair and when the sun shines on them I see a glow of hope.

I never cut myself as a teen or when I was in my twenties. I only started when I was thrown in the psyche ward and forced to take antidepressants. It was an immediate action--a coping mechanism. Although I cut myself for about ten years, I gradually limited my episodes to almost none twenty years ago--the time of my last hospitalization. I quit completely around four years after that--when I tapered off all psychiatric medications. I have never had the urge even once to pick cutting up again. When people ask me how I know for sure it was the medications/hospitalizations which caused me to self-mutilate, I say it's easy: Once I broke free of ALL psychiatric bonds, I quit that behavior--cold turkey and never went back. Yes, it was the medications/treatments (including severe psychiatric abuse) which caused the compulsion to cut myself. I'm surprised this isn't talked about more--psychiatric drugs can and do cause people to self-mutilate.

You cut yourself "when words were not enough" - enough to do....what? Who did you reach out to before you started? Anyone? You "did it covertly at first" - so you were aware enough to hide it - but "then with abandon", and no one noticed? Or were you hiding it still? Why did you not attempt to say anything during all this time? Then the same year you started cutting, you added cocaine and heroin. Yet that shift didn't alert you that your behavior was Just Simply Wrong.

Can't say thanks enough as it helps me process my experience with my daughter. Her cutting rocked my world and gave me endless confusion and despair. I would say I experienced 2 years of total anxiety until a wise friend told me "we all suffer scars of passage to adulthood. Mostly invisible but some visible ". If she had committed I don't know if I would have survived and so... I am lucky. Crazy world to grow up in.

Thank you Colton. Be safe and be well. XO

I have worked part-time on a mental health crisis line for 25 years and I never felt I handled cutters well. It is a practice that terrifies me. It is like mist; no way to grasp it or where the pain is coming from. No way to talk about it. The popularity of cutting defines a generation if only because we are so much more aware now. I want to take the pain away or at the very least find a way to deal with it. But as Mr. Wooten's article notes even cutters aren't clear what it does for them. I am afraid it is just another symbol of our own alienation from each other. I can only encourage people to treat is seriously and get their children to see a professional as soon as possible.

My daughter, began cutting at age 11. My first reaction was ‘Why are you doing this? You’re such a beautiful girl.’ I read postings by cutters. One cutter related they cut to ‘short circuit’ their mental pain and depression. They argued it was instantaneous and better than using drugs as it was quicker and there was no risk of an overdose or alcoholism. I’m sure there are many other reasons young people cut, but this one made sense. Over time (and with counseling) my daughter developed coping strategies, such as taking a long hot shower until the feeling passed. Sometimes successful, sometimes not. As a young adult she placed a few tattoos in many of those same places to act as a deterrent. To the parents, remember your child does not want to cut themselves, they just want the pain to end. Always let them know you love them, even in the toughest times. They'll remember that the most. Thank you Colton Wooten for your writings to bring awareness to a very common and misunderstood practice.

A friend of mine did this. He was a good person, but had spent his life in foster care and wondered why his parents didn't want him. I still remember seeing him walk out of the men's room at a bar, his eyes dreamy and half-closed, and wearing a big smile. Blood was dripping off his finger tips. Strangely, when we took him to emergency he was afraid of needles.

I know how you feel. I was molested as a child and in my later teens I would bruise and scrap my upper arms with the claw end of a hammer or bruise my face. Some how, it brought the deep emotional pain to the surface where it could be seen and acknowledged. I didn't do it very often but it went on about 3 years and I have a scars. It took a lot of work and determination to face my demons but I did and still do when I need to. Stay strong Colton, you are worth it.

My parents, married 52 years, endured a nasty 6-month separation when I was 17. I cut myself, I think, to divert their attention from screaming at each other and toward comforting me. I stopped about a year later. Cutting just didn't do anything for me once they reconciled. Unfortunately, it cost me a little. My high school reunions are dotted with people who eye me warily and I know it's because of my cutting. That's how they remember me. Except now, they are adults. If only they would find out, even just by reading, why people - teenagers especially - do these things instead of being satisfied to treat people like me as outcasts who should be shunned.

Very well-written, insightful and brave account of a complex behavior. I was heartened to see that cutting was explained as a possible coping mechanism. As a physician, I don't understand many of my patients' behaviors but this piece gave much-needed insight. Thank-you Colton Wooten for writing this! I look forward to your memoir on addiction.

What an incredibly simple AND complex explanation of behavior that most of us don't encounter, and fear. I've never read a better clarification, enlightening and heartfelt. Thank you, and my sincere best wishes.

Thank you. You have explained a loved one to me better than she could ever explain herself. May your journey be peaceful.

Interesting opinion piece. I was a cutter in my teens (and a burner and piercer), although it didn't have a name and I had no idea anyone else did similar things, it just wasn't recognized or discussed (I'm 50 now). I am somewhat comforted by the current discussions of cutting, to know in retrospect that I wasn't as much of a freak as I felt. As the author notes, it wasn't a cry for help or an attempt at suicide, which I think is a very common misunderstanding. Unlike the author, I very much recognize the person I was and still, when emotionally overwhelmed, have the urge to cut myself. I rarely give in to that now, because as an adult I know the feelings will pass. I read Sharp Objects years ago, and my response to the main character was probably very different from others. I wasn't repulsed or horrified or confused; instead I understood the (albeit temporary) peace that can come from cutting, and it made perfect sense.

I'm curious to know how many "troubled people," to quote the Cornell description, would think to cut themselves if they hadn't heard, seen or read about it. Perhaps some people in pain would think to do it spontaneously but the behavior does seem more prevalent now and seems to have a contagious element. Were the "needle girls" in 1896 influenced by public descriptions of their behavior? One thing seems clear: like many addictive behaviors, cutting is easier to prevent, or to stop after one experience, than to deal with once it's become established.

Thank you for this brilliant, thoughtful, insightful and personalized account of this difficult-to-understand human condition. I wish you the very best in discovering more positive and fulfilling moments, and ways of being in this world while battling depression. You have already made a difference with this single article. You wrote: “I can’t say that I understood completely why I kept doing this to myself. I only knew that I cut myself when words were not enough — when I lacked language to express my quarreling emotions. And that self-injury gave me a feeling of agency over my pain.” These words are very penetrating and helped me understand just a little better, the manifestations of depression in someone close to me. Yes, words are not enough. But your words did give us a good glimpse. Many thanks.

This is a disturbing piece, and I hesitate to respond to it perhaps because at one time or another I have felt the urge to hurt myself or hurt another because of the hurt I felt within myself. We call it by many names, autism, depression, opioid addiction, suicidal tendencies or self mutilation, but words do not usually touch the pain people feel that generates these actions. If we were to be honest we all feel doubts about ourselves and often this only shows up as thoughts that get in the way of our doing our best. Anger often gets turned in against the person feeling it. These dark thoughts and actions form a toxic back ground in society that we rarely talk about as our expectations are of total personal happiness. Thank you for this courageous article and acknowledgement of personal struggle. Talking about it may actually lead to healing not only for yourself but all of us who suffer in silence.

Very powerful essay and outpouring of the soul. Thank you. Usually I have a strong idea about what I want to say after reading any essay or article, but this is one of those topics where I just don't know really how to react or what to say. I can only surmise that it requires some strong individuals around anyone that is experiencing this self destructive behavior. That those individuals give continuous and unwavering support that it will indeed get better. If that requires and in patient setting, then so be it. Whatever it takes. It seems to me that this is another aspect of medicine/psychology that is coming to forefront and not being in the shadows any longer. It also seems to me, that only the ones that have the proper insurance will get the proper care. Please do stick around, because indeed, it does get better.

I have never cut myself, so I don't really know. But I would bet that if a scientist conducted a brain scan on you while you were cutting, she would see some area of your brain light up that would not light up if I were cutting. We are only beginning to understand how compulsions, addictions, anxiety, and depression develop in people; I'm no scientist, although I've done a fair bit of reading because I have a brother who is an addict. The role of brain chemistry is complex, and mental illnesses are often comorbid. Thanks for contributing your insights.