I thought happiness with being invisible at 57 was partly due to being introverted. Do you extroverts like it too?
77
You are the best columnist in my opinion and your articles have a simple directed charm that hurts a bit but is a love sting.
64
Wow. Why is no one talking about the joy of sex?! As a fully free, post menopausal women, I have been given the gift of truly great sex! Spread your wings, ladies. Or something else. Sex free of inhibitions is simply loving fun. Trust your partner and your taste and enjoy!
111
Slightly pathetic and does not reflect my experience at all.
94
Dunno, not entirely thrilled with the comments. I'm not willing to ponder 'where did my waistline go?' nor strive to be invisible (an invisible boss... how... interesting.)
At 51, orphaned for decades, I live for my kids and for me. I can't be copasetic about invisibility (the stages of women: too pretty, too smart, then too old? Seriously? ) and feel that I'm having a Dylan Thomas moment. I'm not willing to pull on elastic waist pants and roll my eyes at mention of sex. I look at men, hope they, too, look back.
140
I'm sorry, but I can't fully relate. I had an insignificant menopause with no real hot flashes. One day, I didn't get my period, and I never looked back. I've had very successful careers, and changed careers a couple of times. I was always "good looking," and maintain my appearance - what's wrong with loving clothes and makeup? I'm older than you, and I don't feel too old to do anything. I walk around Manhattan and engage with everyone; I have friends as young as two and as old as 95. No one is going to tell me not to have a cat or a dog. Invisible? Heck no. I enjoy people and make my presence known. In the political climate today, there is a responsibility NOT to be invisible.
313
So beautifully written! Thank you!
31
Older women can be very cantankerous and bitter -- as can older men. How's that for equality?
22
What a lovely, thoughtful musing about one's evolution with the passing of time. I just wanted to write and thank you for sharing your experience.
Devoid of the menopausal Rubicon, we men continue much as we've always done, in that intrepidly idiotic path toward validation and conquest, of whichever stripe. Even so, that tickling sensation that the gig is up comes knocking, knocking at our doors.
I, too, am 56 and feel that ridge line between before and after beneath the soles of my feet. I appreciate the grace you describe as you take in the world, Ms Renkl.
Many thanks,
Christopher
100
Doris Lessing wrote about this decades ago.
27
I'm good with my menopause. I'm fit, attractive, and sexually healthy. I just really wish I could say the same for the men my age...
264
I too love the invisibility, most of the time. I don’t miss the ‘male gaze’ at all!
However, is anyone more dismissed then middle aged women? Maybe old women, I don’t know yet.
When I was a young professional, with long blond hair, I was certainly aware I had to be smarter and better to be taken seriously.
Now I’m not sure even that works.
So easily dismissed! (In a male dominated profession).
It’s so dumb because we are so wise.
77
I am going back to school. My post menopausal self realizes what a luxury it is to learn. The first time I went to college men were a distraction. Now that I'm invisible, it's straight As for me!
85
I was listening to this song a couple of days ago and I finally understand what it means
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
35
now all you need is the bikini (if you want it) I learnes in Brazil thatbuts never late to wear a bikini (or a zunga for men). Seeing 80 yr old ladies in bikinis was enlightening.
52
Would you still be so delighted about being invisible if you hadn't already found the person with whom you have built a family and raised dogs?
155
The only problem with being invisible is trying to get a drink at the bar!
50
Menopause is like returning to your pre-adolescent self - when you were confident in yourself and weren't the least bit concerned about male approval. Not having to deal anymore with menses is great too!
104
I love being older. The things that would upset me for days are finished in seconds. I'm 74 and love being invisible, which to me means not having to look fashionable and put together: those drags on our time and attention. I am invisible to those I do not want to impress, the people who brush past me and ignore me. Their loss.
But the 'real' people, those who care about each other, pay attention to one another, they are jewels. I worked as a hospice chaplain. There's a whole subculture of ignored people, who 'get it': that relationships are key. When your loved one is dying, or you are, you find people who will come visit just when most people want to avoid you.
Every day I meet new people at the Parkinson's gym my husband goes to: the grandson of a man who just joined is part of an extended family from Nigeria--beautiful, intelligent, kind people--an amazing addition to our racial and cultural diversity. We talked about music and how music therapy helps those with neurological disorders regain functioning.
Real people do not rush and strive and push others out of the way. They put a hand out and help you up, even strangers. I don't understand the tyrants and bullies of the world. Billionaires they may be but they are poor in some essential ways.
151
A chance to vent here from the male perspective on behalf of my better half. Menopause for her began early, in her mid-40's although her hormone levels did not initially support that thesis. But her hot flashes and other changes affirmed it just the same. It seemed to be winding down as she hit 50 and we hoped that some normalcy might return.
At 52 years of age, the bloating at Easter which we all thought was a digestive issue was found to be ovarian cancer shortly after Memorial Day. I found out the Friday before Father's Day while I was attending the 2nd round of the US Open - we joke today that neither the Open or Father's Day will ever be the same. Thus began a nearly two year journey of surgeries, chemotherapy and endless infusions of magnesium to replace what her now-compromised kidneys would not permit to be absorbed.
Two years later she's in remission but not the same.....no, she'll never be the same. The energy she once had is a memory - going to the grocery store is an energy-sapping event. Worries about recurrence and further metastasization abound given the genetic mutation that we now understand was the root cause of her malignancy. Life is decidedly different forever as we worry about not only her but our kids who have the same condition.
In the midst of this train wreck though, we did adopt a dog. One of the few joys of the past two years. We wish this change of life had merely been a gift but we are grateful for the care that gave her a second chance.
154
I am very grateful as a woman of 71 that when I reached menopause there was for the first time information on possible symptoms and good books to read so I could understand what was happening. As a professional woman who gave speeches and had to dress well it was difficult to deal with hot flashes in public and not being able to wear warm clothes anymore. My thermostat has never recovered. I am grateful for estrogen despite the problems we learned about as it got me through my working 50s and early 60s. It is remarkable how many bodily functions are effected by loss of estrogen and appreciate that my daughter will have info available.
35
Haha. I've been saying "I'm invisible" for years! My retirement plan involves shoplifting.... :)
97
I turn 46 tomorrow and notice some changes in my cycle and body but still feel better than I did in my 20's. I run regularly and eat ok and my weight has stayed steady for a long time.. I just wish I knew more about my Moms experience with menopause. She is in hospice right now and will probably die within the next week and 15-20 years ago while she was in the midst of her menopause she was dealing with progressive MS and it was just not a subject I was going to bring up with her or my Dad..now I regret not knowing.
38
I got the puppy. I hope it works out as brilliantly for you as it did for me.
41
I am no longer invisible to myself. That is the gift of my menopause.
Thank you for the thoughtful and powerful writing.
Is there anything more wondrous than the dawn chorus as the sun seeps into the day?
So much to do, so much to be.
This beautiful catastrophe called "life".
91
Oh Dear, I have been projected via this article, into this topic, against my will.
Meno - Pause. I have thought about it much over these years -
'invisible' is a self projecting word by the author.
I reject that word. I respect the author's very authentic experience with menopause, but her position truly negates something else - she is incredibly 'visible' and does not know this?
17
My goodness, obviously a large number of folks feel similar and all they seem to be doing with their lives is watching paint drying and waiting....
I sure hope there are plenty of folks who think differently. Imagine having crossed the mid-fifties, you are unencumbered by that monthly nuisance, your kids are all grown and hopefully in a positive trajectory towards financial independance. Perhaps, retired from dreary jobs, you and your partner have finally achieved that state of freedom from all obligations. It's almost like being enlightened. Why on earth would you sit there wondering about invisibility? Idle minds, and idle bodies certainly cannot expect to sleep, where is that exhaustion? That satiation from having tackled the world theoretically or physically that sends you to bliss?
I too am in the same phase of life and I have never felt more alive. Walking down memory lane? Not yet, too much happening in the world around me to live in the past. Please folks, old age is not a curse or a disability, wake up and cheer up, it is fantastic to participate in life.
79
I am 65 and I am invisible now to many people. Last week, while talking with an old friend, we touched on the subject of our aging looks and being invisible. We ended up laughing, because we have both had the experience of being in public and forgetting that we are not young and turning heads anymore. We have both actually thought that younger men are giving us “that look” and realize that it’s for someone else. We ended up really having a good laugh. A sense of humor is a wonderful trait that will help get you through many of life’s changes. It can all seem so ridiculous.
54
I don't miss the male "attention" one bit. Feeling stalked for over 40 years was not a positive thing for me. It's nice to have a conversation with a man and not have their eyes drift down from my eyes to other parts...how refreshing. I'm going to be that little old lady who occasionally uses 4-letter words and flips the bird. Being a blonde in a bikini - that was the low point of my life.
80
Yes you are a woman who turned heads. You are. You are.
Great article. Much I did not understand, but electric writing, thank you.
7
Since I'm a 72 year old male, I don't have first hand experience, of course. But lots and lots of observations and experiences of siblings, friends of both sexes, and my own.
A few women have complete personality changes. Disorders. My ex-sister in law went from soft spoken and demure to a raving (fill in the blank) for the rest of her life, until she killed herself.
Some women continue with a healthy interest in sex, many just lose it altogether. Too many men still want sexual intimacy but there wives don't. And try dating.................... you don't know until it's too late, usually, that this otherwise great companion could not care less.
I was recently blessed with a love twenty years my junior. Still menstruating, still loving sex. My "Yes" girl. A given in that biological condition, not so much post menopause.
16
Bravo, Ms. Renki. Menopause has its problems, but the sheer joy of speaking from experience, and turning down the things that don't add to your enjoyment of life is a gift. Enjoy your puppy!
17
I'm 65 and these days I can't imagine dating a woman under say 53 or menopause age. I wouldn't be 14 or 24 or even 64 for all the tea in California. As Wallace Stevens had it,
Our bloom is gone. We are the fruit thereof.
Two golden gourds distended on our vines,
Into the autumn weather, splashed with frost,
Distorted by hale fatness, turned grotesque.
We hang like warty squashes, streaked and rayed,
The laughing sky will see the two of us
Washed into rinds by rotting winter rains.
59
I love the freedom and invisibility, but I do miss my old energy level. When it comes to planning my activities, sometimes my brain writes a check that my body can't cash.
BTW, I wonder if waistlines go to wherever lost socks go? Maybe if we found one, we'd find the other?
And, finally, to those of you who are still in the full bloom of glorious youth (and menstrual cycles): Enjoy your beautiful bodies & your glowing skin to the utmost! You're like a luscious peach at this point in life, and you are effortlessly beautiful (yes, you are, even if you don't believe me!). And heed Nora Ephron about bikinis - she was SO right.
48
Menopause. The reason not to wait until 36 to have your children. Why, you ask? Had first daughter at 36, had second daughter at 38, had son at 40. (and done). Fast forward 12 years. I'm 52 and start menopause while first daughter hits puberty a little late at the same time second daugher starts at little early. 18 months of insanity hormones fly around the house while husband and son wonder what the freak is going on. LOL now but not sure we've ever completely recovered. ;-)
39
Margaret Renkl's essays are one of my favorite features in NYT. This one was outstanding!
At 67 i still have hot flashes that started when i was
55 ~ but not as often and intense as in the earlier years,and definitely not missing' ovulation' and the messy and painful monthly ordeal of 'periods'!
So my waist has thickened some and the joints are protesting once in a while - - - but life is still good.One sentence stood out in this op ed piece: "A person who is not afraid of looking like a fool gets to do a lot more dancing". ~ Must take this advice at heart!
Enjoy that puppy of yours,looking forward to (maybe)some essays about your adventures together.
14
I wake at odd hours of the early morning and, living in Leland MI at the same 45th parallel as Paris, go out at night and see the Perseids and see the shooting stars and Milky Way and feel a part of the universe.
I am so alive and grateful.
46
I just turned 72 and I am not too old to have adopted a rescue tuxedo kitten a few months ago. (with 3 felines in my house, am I officially a CAT Lady?)
And I am not invisible! My hair is mostly silver and reaches below my shoulder blades. Other women are forever complimenting me.
I miss the electricity that came with ovulation - and never really minded the mess all that much. Know change is inevitable.
Love the essay
26
I was prepared to read about the experience of a woman in her 60’s. When I read that it was the most sings of a woman a year younger than I, well, it gave me pause, if you’ll excuse the attempted pun.
I am not happily becoming invisible- I work in a youth- obsessed industry and do not volunteer my age. I wasn’t a great beauty, but of late it seems that gravity and metabolism have conspired together to erode whatever pretense I was able to manage, “passing” for early 40’s no more.
I appreciate the author’s own embrace of post- fertility, but I myself feel unmoored and adrift as I seek to find a new equilibrium at the least, knowing that in this reverse adolescence I am the best I will ever be and there is only decline ahead.
11
That was a very thought provoking essay. Thank you. Although I can’t claim to uderstand the physiologic changes of menopause, for obvious reasons, your experience does resonate. I experienced my own sort of menopause, due to either medication side-effects or just my own physiology. No sexual desire. Our 45 year marriage now is one of cuddling and hugging: still as loving as ever, but without the physical component. We remember the “good times” of passion and lust. We are best friends, true to each other and living the “When I’m 64” life: grandchildren on our knees; only the names are different.
20
Thank you for this. I didn’t feel this at 56. But boy at 65 I do. It feels like freedom. I’m invisible, but when I speak, I’m listened to. And my aging terrier still keeps me walking. We have a few more years together of which I am grateful. And a 5 year old granddaughter that is full of spunk and spirit. She’ll keep me alive to the end.
31
Stopped having periods this year, at 55. That took long enough! Stopped being regularly appraised by men a few years ago. Don't miss that one bit either, regardless of which direction the appraisal went. All in all, I don't worry too much about aging. It's just part of the cycle of life.
27
I could relate to every line of this article. Reading it, I felt as if it was all the things I’ve thought and felt and lived over the past 5 years put down on paper including the death of a dog and a new puppy we adopted when I was 56. I just celebrated my 58th birthday and feel more empowered to be my authentic self and more grateful for what I do have ( and better able to accept the losses) then ever. And PS... the puppy was a great decision!
16
As a woman who went through very mild (if any) menopausal symptoms, I wonder if the feeling that one doesn’t care about others think, is just a natural part of aging.
14
@Jenjen231
For those of us that never fit in to begin with, learning to not care what others think is a necessary step to finding happiness in adulthood regardless of reproductive status. Now, as I enter menopause, I have the wisdom and experience to go with it.
27
Invisible? Are you kidding me? This is the first time in my life that I have felt completely taken seriously. I feel--powerful. And I like it.
82
The Times has run one article after another with liads of comments from middle-aged women about feeling invisible. I usually don't reply, but I completely disagree. I am in my late 50s (older than the author) and I'm not invisible at all. I am the same person I always was. If you want to be stared at, move to a big multi-unit building with an attended front desk. Someone at the desk will be looking at you every time you appear in the lobby!
55
I’m 60 and I’m with you ! All this angst and these women haven’t even hit the sixty mark !
30
loving your comment!
17
Hmm, I haven't had my period in five mos., so I guess that makes me peri-? I don't particularly miss the mess, but it does make me wonder how I'm supposed to feel. When I cycled regularly, I would get the mood enhancement around ovulation and the irritability PMS.
My co-worker and I are not cycling together. She asked me the other day if I had any stuff at my desk, as she got her period again after 10 mos.
3
There are more medical options out there to treat menopausal symptoms. I was miserable with the usual problems but had a progesterone releasing IUD put in, and in combination with an estrogen patch - symptoms gone. Except the weight, but I am working on that.
And now it's time to order more viagra for my partner!
8
life is about living, not survival. great piece. Thanks.
4
Margaret, go find a reputable breeder of purebred dogs through the AKC/parent cub websites, or go to a dog show. A reputable breeder will make sure your yard is fenced and you have a vet and you have experience with dogs--but we will never discriminate due to age. Pat Craig won the Hound Group at Westminster running round the ring with a big dog at age 80. In 2019 she's judging--and she still has those big dogs.
It may make you feel good to adopt a shelter dog, but unless you are at a local municipal shelter you're just perpetuating "retail rescue"--irresponsible breeding of dogs. Get a well-bred dog, and join the community of purebred dog owners who will value you for your ability to love your dog, and not some arbitrary age.
6
I, too love being invisible. I haven't paid for a meal at Whole Foods in years. I just load up a plate at the self-serve food area, take it over to the cafe, eat a leasurly lunch, and then do my shopping. I am as blatent as blatent can be, and no one has ever noticed.
17
@Dawn
I find this story unbelievable. I have been a Whole Foods shopper since 1994, and I don't see how this could be happening repeatedly.
12
@Dawn that you get away with it doesn’t make it right
30
Margaret Renkl, may you live forever in a rhapsody of postmenopausal poetry.
Your columns always delight, provoke, inform, always gently, lyrically, adamantine wisdom draped in silk velvet.
I have lived a decade longer than have you...my menopause began, at 53, the week my dear husband of 33 years died suddenly and oh so unexpectedly. In a fugue of grief at first, I couldn't hear what my body was saying. Later, I listened with wonder, some disappointment, some chagrin, and a dawning sense of new freedom, as it told me about the changes it was making.
Cliff and I had walked to work for years. One day, in early middle age, I said "You know, Cutie, when my hot flashes do come, they can't possibly be as bad as walking to work on an August morning." I was right. They weren't. They weren't good, mind you! But they were a part of life, like those hot summer morning walks to work with Cliff, to be understood and cherished.
Thank you, Margaret. Please keep showering these benisons on us.
7
I recommend a daily dose of Porsche Carrera. If lethargy and gloom persist, increase the dose. Repeat as needed.
25
Indeed. Works well for both women and men. I think that the smile erases at least ten years of care and worry and guarantees that you will never be asked to drive car pool again! Also, I think that they are pretty and I enjoy watching you enjoy the fruits of your labors.
4
Lol! I have a 2016 Carrera GTS that my husband gave me for my 55th! I love it and it loves me! Invisible?...NOT!
7
This is a lovely essay. As I write, there is a "singleton" puppy lying on the floor nearest my pillow. Our dog gave birth 10 days ago for the first time. Only two, one of which was stillborn.
I am going to raise the surviving puppy to be my own personal emotional support dog. My kids are out of the nest, I don't care about turning heads anymore, and now it's time to be me.
Revel in it, my dear. Do you.
11
Terrific article. For either gender.
8
Margaret, I do not think you are invisible and I enjoyed this story!
2
Being invisible is the best part of this stage of life. I have friends that dread how their pants fit or the gray hair or the wrinkles that showed up overnight. I keep telling them that they are not young things anymore, that these things shouldn't matter to them now. I've even gone so far as to say that no one is looking at them anymore! That the thick waist, thinning hair and aging skin tone are being much overshadowed by the young girls with gorgeous bodies and flowing hair. I love this stage of my life. My sons are grown and are contributing members of society...check that off my list. That my house and car are paid for...check that off my list. That I am able to work if I want to and not because I have to. That I am free to do anything I want on a weekend without checking in with someone else because I've chosen to live on my own. Nearly every single thing that has happened to me since menopause has immensely enriched my life and I wouldn't go back to the days of my youth again to just experience a period! Embrace your menopause. As you said, many are denied the opportunity to reach that phase in their life. Having experienced the loss of a very close friend before she reached menopause, I intend to live my menopause to the fullest!
25
Much of the "invisibility" and the power that comes with it is, I think, as much due to cold, hard life experience and learning that you just don't have to give a rat's behind about what others think. It's not about not being hot 20-somethings and not getting those looks and whistles anymore. After 20 to 30 some years beyond young adulthood, most of us realize we don't HAVE to prove ourselves to anyone. In many cases, we have already done "it," reached some goals, gotten to a good place or made peace with other choices, events. And we realize that our accomplishments are ours to savor, but not to gain entrance to a club that in many cases we really don't want to join anyway.
24
For me this article is written accepting the values of our Western World: Visibility is just for young people, that's why creepy businesses like Goop (ouch) keep selling the phantasy of being young forever.
What if the author of this article wrote about how becoming older is a richness of our own stories (wrinkles and physical appearance included).
21
I think that is what she wrote about.
13
Just beautiful : -))))
3
I’m reminded about that poem that goes, “Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” I’m just about starting menopause and while I’m not going to fight it, I also refuse to accept it in the manner that the author. I have lots more life to live and being invisible is not part of the plan. No thank you.
26
@CL
I love your attitude. I’m 63 and have obviously been through menopause. I think if I had listened to well-meaning friends, I’d have been the most depressed person alive. Don’t let that happen!
14
a thousand times yes to your comment!
7
Keep us posted on the puppy! You are not too old to do anything. I appreciate your columns and look forward to the next one.
8
When I was in my 20's and 30's I dreaded to be around a group of women in their 40's and 50's when no men were present because the conversation always turned to menopause. I really hated all the moaning and groaning so much so, that I became determined that I was just going to just ignore it when it came, and I did. And that worked really well! So, was I one of the lucky few who barely had any symptoms? or could it be that many women do not suffer but are not as vocal about it as the ones that do?
I too love my invisibility. I was very attractive "when I was fertile" and found the harassment from men intolerable. The only problem now being that men no longer bend over backwards for me at the hardware store or anywhere else for that matter, but oh well, small price to pay to be able to roam gloriously free!
12
I have been fairly silent with the transition of the Op Ed pages of late but this has been too much. Why does this woman continue to opine on anything other than subjects suitable for Women's Day Magazine. I have read about her family, her search for 'exotic' food in Nashville and now her change of life. Really? File this under You have gotta to be kidding me.
Roxanne Gay who is also a writer of subjects similar is by far a better and more interesting writer and she is relegated to the Style pages. This is where this belongs if at all.
Ms. Renkl does a bang up job on the Southern Festival of Books which in my opinion is fantastic and such a tribute to both readers and writers, her writing however....
Just stop, please stop if this does anything it will sufficiently nail in the coffin about Nashville being an "it" city. We do have interesting women here, I think. Maybe they are busy making deviled eggs. Wait didn't she write about that too? Yikes I live in Nashville now and cannot wait to leave as this further embarrasses me.
33
I'm amazed that 56 is considered too old to adopt a puppy. Really? Why? Is the concern that the adopter will die before the dog? Or that someone at the "old age" of 56 will lack the stamina to deal with a puppy?
Lovely essay, but as one who speaks from the perspective of a 70-year-old, let me tell you -- you're young. And the animal rescue agency is nuts!
13
(Pssst - read to the end)
9
I would rather have died young than experience menopause. I felt like my heart, body and soul had been invaded by demons. Some days the only way I could get out of bed was to fall out. I didn't have hot flashes, I was just HOT, 365! I didn't have mood swings, I was ANGRY 24/7. I didn't sleep for days at a time, experienced hallucinations as a result. My head never stopped hurting, no amount of medication helped. My friends, and family hated me, and I hated them. No way menopause is a gift. I'm surprised I didn't kill myself!
8
Same here - hot all all the time, constantly burning up, friends and fam brushing into me ask whether i have a fever. am annoyed at almost everyone and the insomnia is making me crazy. my head hurts at the end of the day by working all day trying to not bite people’s head off. sigh.
2
Have any of these commentators heard of “hormone replacement therapy “?!
It works wonders !
8
Beautifully written. Thank you. Thank you.
10
It's funny. The 'burns to the touch' status my upper '40s wife occupies has only caused this writer to be even more thankful she is my wife. Perhaps I never would have known how much she meant to me if this changeover had not come as it has. She's not invisible; she's more real now, perhaps, than ever. Sex was the mirage, I think.
15
Anyone notice that not only is there an absence of male commenters, there is also a conspicuous absence of vitriol, hate, and animosity? Obviously it's not the estrogen that makes us who we are, rather it's the beauty of our courage, compassion, and humanity.
16
Well, puppies are as troublesome as kids, and they chew shoes and couches.
They need walks and places to run.
They jump on the bed in the morning and lick your face.
An alternative: just sit in the dark, waiting for the end: 56, 57, 58...
7
Really? That’s what you think?
1
Ironic that you want a puppy, while older, more age appropriate dogs are overlooked and invisible to you!
48
That was such a lovely piece. I am not in that phase of my life yet, but I am beginning to see how invisible women become as they age in this youth-obsessed country. However, life is easier without the glaring spotlight and the frequent sexual harassment endemic when you're a young woman. As a friend of mine said, "I feel free."
4
If you want to be invisible, go live as a woman in San Francisco's Castro district. I used to think it was great, now not so much. Why? Well, invisible means no one will catcall you, but it also means bro's will CONTINUE to talk over you at company meetings, just like they always did! Invisible means you don't exist. Is that really what you want?
19
You definitely are not too old to adopt a puppy. I did it when 14 years older than you are and she’s a wonder, adding the unexpected and inspiring to life everyday.
3
Clearly someone that does not have to work for a living. Enjoying insomnia? Insane for anyone that has suffered for years and has to work to support a family in your 50’s
Where do these people work at?
44
Get the puppy you want. Go to a reputable breeder. I spent 35 years teaching children in the inner city. I feel like I don’t want to rescue anything or anyone. I recommend treating yourself to an Australian multi- generation labradoodle. Best dog I ever had. She is going to be 4 this August. Let’s be honest who wants to spend their retirement vacuuming. Don’t be a cheapskate spend the money.
4
Why insult her for choosing a shelter dog? It isn’t being cheap; it’s being kind to animals.
32
@special educator: You and others should have finished the essay—she was able to rescue a puppy after all. Oh, and “reputable” and “breeder” don’t brlong in the same sentence. That would be oxymoronic, my dear. Rescuing is the only way to go, and it’s not about saving money: it’s about saving lives. I have a bumper sticker—best I’ve ever owned. It says “RESCUED IS MY FAVORITE BREED!”
37
I found menopause to be quite liberating and yes, I feel as sexual and attractive as ever. I definitely don't feel invisible in the slightest and still find men drawn to me. It's all in your mind and from all the negative comments, I can see women have once more bought into the horror stories they say women suffer when going through menopause. Why all the pitiful stories?
25
You are ridiculous! Nobody wants to be invisible and nobody should be invisible. How awful to feel that way.
35
@Jar: Well, I guess YOU don't want to be invisible, and that's your choice. Don't annoy the rest of us who are ENJOYING it. I'm sorry for you that you don't/can't understand the power & the pleasure of it!
I feel like my booster rocket has lifted me up & I've hit escape velocity. No more second-guessing myself.
14
Jar - either you completely missed the point or you didn’t read the article.
15
If menopause is so great why is it that women of all ages use rouge, an aid to beauty because it evokes a sign of enhanced fecundity?
3
It's easy for a partnered woman to celebrate invisibility. I'll be curious how the writer will feel if divorce or her husband's death leave her alone, maybe poor, maybe unable to find a job to alleviate that poverty. And, let's think about the ageism that permeates our culture: http://www.newclearvision.com/2011/12/16/old-who-me/
The next time you make a covertly ageist remark, consider what you are telling the world about yourself.
49
Mary, thank you for the link to that article.
It makes me glad that when I have a patient who says they're old, my standard response is to say "Congratulations! You made it!"
14
Re: the bikini: If you are fair skinned and older, the safest option is to wear a sunproof aqua shirt for protection against sunburn and melanoma. Bikinis vs one pieces are irrelevant to me because I only care about not getting burned, so I keep a long sleeved shirt on at all times. I also wear a big floppy hat to protect my face. If I look goofy, so be it.
8
Everything I've ever read of Maureen Renkl's work has a lovely, poetic quality that is sorely missing from journalism these days.
Have not much to say about menopause. I can hardly remember it. I think there was some kind of crone movement back in the day which was supposed make you feel better about going through the change. That didn't work for me.
8
Margaret - you are NOT too old to adopt a rescue dog, It's just your local rescue organization that's …..(thinking of an appropriate definition here and not finding one). We adopted a 10-month dog from Eleventh Hour Rescue (www.ehr.org) - I will not mention the adopters' age, but definitely over the number you quote. If you are on the East Coast, look into ehr.org - they are a humane, non-killing shelter and truly the last chance for the dogs. You will save a soul and have someone to love you and your husband.
4
Having read so many other posts, I am apparently very much in the minority here, but I was not thrilled with this article. It sounds as if it was written by someone who's 100 years old. What do you mean, you're "invisible"? Do you mean that men don't leer you anymore? Why would you define yourself like that?
65
@Angela A
I agree wholeheartedly!
10
Lucky you, to have someone to lean on and cozy up to. I did mine without that. Instead my girlfriends and I could laugh and make jokes about it. I was fortunate to have a fairly easy time. It feels good to be in my sixties and not care what anyone thinks. It’s so freeing!
5
Thank you
I am 66 and men stare at me in public. Looking forward to becoming invisible.
8
Should you are into Argentine Tango, becoming invisible shall not be to your liking .
No matter how wonderful a dancer you are, how well you can follow a male lead, the handsome, gifted male dance that previously happily provided the lead for the magic dance sending you on a flying carpet, now would rather spend hours teaching a pretty young thing not knowing where to put her feet, than asking you for a single dance.
Thus it is , when you become invisible: If you love the Argentine Tango : devastating
168
@Talesofgenji It sounds like that particular club or dance studio is attracting a certain type of 'macho' dancer who thinks himself the perfect lead and 'teacher' (when he is often decidedly neither). For such macho men, it's not so much an older vs younger woman thing, so much as it is his preference to elevate himself and 'boss' his female partner. A truly great male dancer (lead) simply 'leads', versus tries to 'teach' an often perfectly good female/follower how to dance. I've come across such men in the salsa dance world. It's all the same really. The truly good leads are very respectful and will dance with any female/follower, regardless of her age. If the woman/follower is clearly a Beginner, the more experienced male lead might nicely correct her or offer to teach her a move off to the side of the dance floor. Whereas the not so good male/leads, and who are macho and/or insecure, need a female/follower who they can feel superior to (i.e., boss around, 'correct' and/or otherwise 'teach'). Such men typically don't like dancing with any women who are their dance equals, never mind who may be superior to them.
11
@Talesofgenji I don't even know what the Argentine Tango is. But my husband is a lot more handsome than any Tango dancer, and as long as I'm visible to him, I don't need anyone else. We're not invisible - we're FREE!
11
This is adorable, beautiful, wise and funny. Thanks for taking off your invisibility cloak for a moment here. Nature's beauty is truly more vivid now for me too.
11
Shortly after I turned 56, I came in from a walk and wrote:
You skirted past me two blocks back
Outpacing me in your heels
I was a blur of mom jeans and worn sneakers
Now at the corner, flummoxed by the multiple signs,
Your map app not responding, you scan the passers-by,
You see me: open face, graying hair, glasses, kind eyes
And you know-I can ask her-she will listen, she will try to help
I do. I listen. I point you in the right direction.
You are not the first to ask, you will not be the last,
And I know-I was invisible until you needed direction
124
@aggie.mannix - Thanks for sharing your poem, I can relate. I hope you have kept on writing, you have a gift for observation and the talent to write it down well.
20
Great poem.
5
I think of menopause as a challenge. I agree with you: the insomnia has an upside-- things are still and quiet and clear, at four in the morning. I like to think of myself as a tough person; its a challenge to continue without batting an eyelash while your face is melting off. It's a skill that requires upping one's self control and ability to concentrate, which has it's own advantages. As Hunter S. Thompson said, when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
13
Why should anybody have to wait until menopause to be "invisible?" We should all be free to be invisible whenever we want, at any age. Anything else is unacceptable in a fair and just society.
14
Maybe I’m in the minority but it’s not tough for everyone. Exercise, good diet, an active life - age is just a number.
33
Whew! I was starting to get concerned! I’m way older than you and I was planning for a puppy in 2020 from The Humane Society! Invisible too, but my puppy will solve that problem!
14
Oh how I loved this essay. Thanks you for perfectly capturing the relaxed openness about menopause.
13
I’m a few years older than you and past the menopause. It came upon me all of a piece, after a complete hysterectomy. Because of this I was prescribed a particular HRT. I realised I would be gently but permanently scarred when I collected my first prescription from the pharmacy, and the female pharmacist kept looking at me as she went about her business gathering my medications. Eventually she apologised for the delay and told me that the reason she had been looking at me so intently was that my HRT was that given to men transitioning to women, and she couldn’t quite believe that’s who I was. I was quietly stunned.
5
Very sweet article.
I have to say, as a man of average looks and with a below average to average body, I have always been more or less invisible.
and frankly, since I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I want to be invisible to everyone except for people who simply want to get to know me an us.
35
Spot on! I do miss the sense that loading the dishwasher can be foreplay but otherwise I am so over my young adult years!!
5
Thank you for this lovely piece. I always appreciate your take on issues, Margaret. Your good sense and command of the language is a balm in these troubled times. And, FYI, I can hardly remember menopause and have been invisible for...oh, I can’t remember exactly how long. But life is good. Really good. Really.
15
It’s not that I’m invisible - I look strangers in the eye when I say hello and smile. How can I be invisible and still connect with others? What is invisible to me are the negative thoughts of others. I don’t believe in focusing on flaws - mine or yours.
27
That's why I am leaving all I have to animal shelters - humans are so execrable!
9
Reading this lovely op ed and the comments NYT selected letters reminds me of two prevailing sentiments:
Youth is wasted on the young.
and
We wouldn't spend so much time worrying about what people think about us if we realized how seldom they do.
38
This is depressing. Is Oprah invisible? Is Hillary Clinton? Is Madonna? Cher? Michelle Obama? Elizabeth Warren? The list goes on and on. Menopause equates only to the lack of periods and fertility, but not to the lack of a fertile mind and life. I know plenty of women over 50 who are turning heads just as they once did, and sometimes even a little more, all the while greeting each day with energy and enthusiasm and are absolutely not invisible to those in the world around them. You don't have to go gently, ladies.
77
@jennifer57 - The way I look at it, Margaret Renkl has accurately expressed the experience of most average women nearing 60 and older. I can relate to everything in her column, and no, none of it's depressing to me.
You name famous celebrities as examples -- whom I admire greatly -- but even in my best youthful age, while pretty and slender, if Madonna or Cher were standing next to me at ANY age including today, I'd be invisible to most men.
20
Right? And also, with the ceasing of those annoying urges to get it on, my head is clear and it is so much easier for me to focus on the big picture! I can't believe people take hormones. Embrace the change. Surrender to the dependency on glasses and what nots. The bloom is off the rose. Whatever. Now what?
13
Like it? I LOVE it. No one cares a whit whether or not I wear a bra (never), mascara (seldom) or heels (ha!). It's what I always envisioned being a man must be like.
33
@Cheryl I'm not menopausal and I don't care a whit if anyone cares if I wear a bra (never), mascara( (never) or heels (whenever I feel like it).
3
Not too pleased with menopause (will I ever feel cold again?) but I don't have to shave my legs anymore, so there's that. I don't mean quit shaving my legs because I stopped caring, I mean all the hair on my legs fell out!
18
I would have rather died young, than go through menopause!
5
I don't miss ovulation. It was hell on earth for me. I suffered from endometriosis for most of my adult life. But, the universe repaid me with the most uneventful menopause in the history of women-kind. Not a single hot flash. No insomnia. None of the rings of hell other women experience and for that I'm grateful. Looking back on those years, I do recall that I may have contributed to that ease of transition. I was into yoga, off of cow dairy and into soy milk. My indulgence was a bit of chocolate soy milk a few days a week. Turns out that may have done the trick. So I share that for anyone who may be suffering through this transition. Yoga and soy milk. I could be crazy, but I'm pretty sure it saved me - in hindsight.
10
Menopause is the beginning of “Act III” of a woman’s life. The challenges ahead include seeing yourself become invisible to the medical profession, and asserting yourself. For example, you may no longer see yourself reflected in a traditional Ob/GYN Office.
There is life after Menopause. We need to speak up about our changing needs and how best to continue complete active lives as we age.
21
So happy to hear that the rescue pup will have a new home - one lucky puppy to have such a thoughtful and kind caregiver.
:)
13
A beautiful piece. I am a 69 year old man and much of what you have said I can relate to. Especially about sleep. I dearly long for the feeling of when I was 15 and the twilight restful feeling of sleeping in on Saturday. I don't remember my dreams like I used to.
6
This is lovely, thank you for writing it. I'm a couple of years older than you, and have only just started to really notice the invisibility.
I admit to a certain panic -- it's weird to be looked past so completely (I've always been on the cute, nice-figure side). Like I've suddenly become someone else. But then I find it fascinating. I can walk around places where a man or a youth might get watched for signs of risk, and cute young women are always watched, of course -- but me, no on glances at.
My husband and I stopped by a skating rink in a mall last week just to sit and rest, and of course we watched the kids skating. No one paid us any mind, but it occurred to me that that was because of me. If my husband had been there alone, he probably would have been watched closely -- an older man alone watching a bunch of kids skating? That same sense of 'freedom,' if you will, follows me in airports or anywhere. I get past right through security without a second glance. And I'm sorry, but I get an inner chuckle imagining, sometimes, what I could do with my new ability to walk through walls undetected.
12
I just loved this piece. I am 55 and it has been a struggle for me as I learn to adjust to a life in this youth obsessed culture of ours. Thank you for your beautiful, honest writing. Just what I needed.
14
I sent this to my sister, who turned 70 this year, and to her daughters who presently marvel at the inferno. I sent this to my partner of 30 years who hates air conditioning and wore turtlenecks through the entire experience while I haven’t worn one since. This is a beautiful piece and these are beautiful women. And you can’t beat having a dog, no matter who gets rescued. Grateful.
19
Yes, yes, and again yes! What a delightful column that speaks to my heart and to my experience. Sure, there have been ups and downs, but menopause, like all the stages of this too-short life, has been and is an amazing experience. Thank you so much for sharing.
7
This was a nice article. As a 54 year old male, I too am invisible. I'm single, never married, though until recently I held out hope that I'd find someone or someone would find me. I used to wake up early on Sunday and read the NYT wedding announcements, feeling hopeful when someone my age was getting married. I'd click the bookmark to save the articles and then reread them when I was feeling depressed. This past year though I even gave that up, lol :)
I'd like to be noticed by someone but even women my age look past me like I'm a piece of furniture. When I was younger I didn't have time for relationships because I was too busy pursuing a seeming limitless interest in music, technology, travel etc. Now I have no interest in any of that and I wonder why I didn't try to meet someone when I was young and able. I guess life is a learning experience and I need to keep trying to make sense of this world and my place in it. Thanks again for the article. I bookmarked it :)
30
@Johnyou are not alone. Good luck
12
@John
John, You make the best decisions you can based on the information you have at the time.
Would you go back and change anything? Really change anything? Being single is terrific! And, as this article points out, you can always get a dog. Being single with a dog is heaven on earth!
12
Wow, I just breezed through menopause without even a...pause. No medicines, no sweats, no pain, no nothing. I didn't miss what I didn't miss.
It turns out, though, that fertility wasn't our only concern when we were younger. A 50-something friend called me a couple of years ago, in tears, saying that she'd just kicked out her 40-something boyfriend of 3 years because he'd given her herpes. "My whole life," she sobbed, "and I have to get herpes now!"
A cautionary tale, ladies, a cautionary tale.
14
Once the hot flashes, metallic taste in the mouth and insomnia was over I have enjoyed what Dr. Margaret Mead called "post-menopausal Zest." I am free of terrible migraines which I suffered during all my fertile years, I am free from the male stares and love walking about free and invisible wearing outfits I love and feeling beautiful. I am free to enjoy a new, deeper, more tender love-life with my husband of 55 years. I am free at 77 to be thankful every day for so many small, beautiful real gifts of life and not give a damn what anyone else thinks!!!
24
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
6
I am an 81 year old male widower of not quite 15 months and an English major lawyer who has traveled the world on business and pleasure. This is one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever read.
49
I agree... I absolutely love this article... love it. Forwarding to all my clients...you are so wise..
3
widowed at age 42 almost 20 years ago - I don’t like being invisible. I don’t think the author would say that if she didn’t have a partner.
40
I’m also sans partner and it’s still so freeing to be invisible- to observe rather than being observed.
9
@Me - I agree with @Austen Hayes. I don't have a partner either, and yes, it is freeing to be "invisible".
2
I love who I am past hot flashes. At 62 my husband and I adopted a 7 month old cat at the animal shelter that we found on Petfinders.com. He is Siamese as is my surviving cat niece to her uncle we lost at 19. No age restrictions. You can also see rescue orgs on this website. My female cat isn’t in love with our new arrival, but we are.
As for waistlines, try yoga. My waist is shrinking from the side planks and back bends and I lost 30 lbs. I love the 60s, more time to exercise and destress.
18
>PART 1:
Thank you for such a lovely article. Now, that’s a gift! I really appreciate not having had to put up with the word ‘fabulous’. No, thanks, I don’t want to be fabulous (read: exhibit narcissistic behavior on Instagram, text & talk like a teenager, display my newfound confidence everywhere I go, etc.) after I lose my fertility and venture into my 50s, 60s, and beyond. I want to be graceful, kind, well-mannered, and poised. I want to be a contributing member of society, if only by helping younger and older generations as much as possible.
8
@Azahara Ruiz
>PART 2:
By writing this article you have helped me feel a little better for a while, and hopefully it had a similar effect on some ladies older than you. I’m a strange case, since I seem to get more and more self-conscious as I grow older. I’ve never been confident after age 10, but now at 32 I feel worse about myself than ever. I’m aware it’s the consequence of a long history of EDs, episodes of sexual attacks, being “too visible” (too pale, too blond, too tall, too thin, too quiet, too serious), etc. Be as it may, I live in an area where I have never felt safe without a trusty man by my side. And even then, some women can be very cruel to someone who looks and acts so “different”. As a result, I have spent most of my youth recoiling and hiding, making myself invisible and missing out on many of the joys that life can offer in its first decades. I haven’t worn a bikini since 2006, or a swimsuit for that matter. And I live less 30min. away from the sea (by car). I bought a beautiful one-piece last summer, but the person who was supposed to join me at the beach finally decided I was not worth his time. I only have one more summer before hitting 34 in December 2019, so I’m not sure I’ll manage to follow your advice. But at least, I managed to smile a little while reading those lines. Thank you.
2
@Azahara Ruiz
>PART 2:
By writing this article you have helped me feel a little better for a while, and hopefully it had a similar effect on some ladies older than you. I’m a strange case, since I seem to get more and more self-conscious as I grow older. I’ve never been confident after age 10, but now at 32 I feel worse about myself than ever. I’m aware it’s the consequence of a long history of EDs, episodes of sexual attacks, being “too visible” (too pale, too blond, too tall, too thin, too quiet, too serious), etc. Be as it may, I live in an area where I have never felt safe without a trusty man by my side. And even then, some women can be very cruel to someone who looks and acts so “different”. As a result, I have spent most of my youth recoiling and hiding, making myself invisible and missing out on many of the joys. I haven’t worn a bikini since 2006, or a swimsuit for that matter. And I live less 30min. away from the sea (by car). I bought a beautiful one-piece last summer, but the person who was supposed to join me at the beach finally decided I was not worth his time. I only have one more summer before hitting 34 in December 2019, so I’m not sure I’ll manage to follow your advice. But at least, I managed to smile a little while reading those lines. Thank you.
2
I got menopause "for free" with the heavy-duty chemo that saved my life when I was 35. Happy to say that was 26 years ago. I've reversed osteoporosis twice and am about to reverse it again, without any low-dose estrogen this time. I'll never take my body's functionality for granted and I work hard to keep it healthy.
Still get hot flashes, but fewer and not as intense. Am in the best aerobic condition I've been in since before chemo sent me on a quick trip into what it's like to be 85 and disabled. Have reversed the heart and lung damage and most of the liver weirdness from the chemo drugs. Got my spinal reflexes back (that took about a decade of nerve regeneration), still can't remember names well but I've got a great excuse. Still have a good figure but my hair is average at best. Men look but they don't pursue. Perfect.
Most of all, I'm functional, with many friends across the age spectrum, and just started another career. I'm of use in the world. I've helped raise kids, been a teacher and coach; I'm an active musician and have a loving spouse. Compared to that chemo year a whole lot of things still look easy. Like root canals, which generally leave you feeling better, not worse. The lumpectomy and radiation thing--thank goodness they worked, thank goodness it was that simple.
Diet, exercise, mental stimulation, friendships, creative work--all sustained effort--all worth it. 20 years ago, I found a good naturopath and got to work, and it's been great for me.
17
When I asked my mother to describe menopause she said she hardly noticed it. My experience was very different. I remember the hot flashes, the night sweats, the insomnia and all the other wonderful signs that my body was changing. Now I'm in my 70th decade and I have yet to become invisible. I feel sorry for the men at the gym who stare or those who crane their necks as I drive by in my sports car. I want to say "go away- I'm old enough to be your grandmother!" I do relate to enjoying the early mornings all to myself enjoying all the birds and nature that is waking up with me. Enjoyed your article.
11
Many lovely insights, thank you.
However, is there a man in the known galaxy, other than a monk or a hermit, who'd embrace invisibility or the waning of libidinal impetus/capability/horizons at age 56?
Complementarily, must women become invisible to avoid sexual assault, harassment, and/or abuse - domestically, publicly, in workplaces, here, there, and everywhere? Might there exist any possibility at all for women of any age to live, if they so desire, as libidinal and also respected and cerebral and intellectual and sensual and sexual and creative and vital beings - that is, the the default existential setting for men at age 18-100 and on?
20
@Leora Lev
I think you have illusions about male life. I'm a short guy, and while handsome (some have aid model handsome), I spend a lot of time feeling invisible due to being short. Bald men feel invisible. Unhandsome men feel invisible. Poor construction workers feel invisible. Usually, when women think about male existence, they concentrate on men like Clark Gable, Brad Pitt, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Jeff Goldblum. I mean, men who are tall, handsome, and with full head of hair. Many men feel invisible much of the time. They say women notice the 20% of men who are most attractive and ignore the other 80%. Most men born under 5' 8" or who go bald by age 30 don't feel especially visible to women.
12
@richguy
I dunno. Best sex I've ever had was with a man who was my height, or just a tiny bit shorter. It was a fit thing. And, it was a fit thing...he was buff! So was I. Whew! So much for being post-menopausal!
Time to ride my bike and then take a cold shower.
3
After menopause,I took up weight-lifting and restorative yoga. At 58, I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt in my adulthood—I was a long-distance runner for years—and I sleep like a baby. I stride through life, now, with crazy strong abs and a zen-infused smile. I am happy to be past menopause. My husband thinks I’m beautiful and that’s all that matters.
30
I teared up, reading this poignant, beautifully crafted op-ed piece. I love being invisible. Barbara Sher also writes about older women's invisibility in "It's only too late if you don't start now." This is the best piece I have seen since that worthy book. Due to a serious illness I went through menopause in my early 30's and yet much of the journey Margaret Renkl describes has been mine as well. The road has been bittersweet, bumpy and then some, but always worth the risk for the ride. At 60 I don't know what is in store but I look forward to continuing to evolve into the wiser elder, the iron lady with the grit, the inner core and the freedom that comes with age.
9
I realized three important elements after reading this beautifully written article which made me smile: I am not the only person who would rather spend time with a book than attend a party; 56 is NOT too old to adopt a puppy; and that I am more grateful and happy to be alive, even with menopause, than to not be here at all. It's always a wonderful feeling waking up each morning on the right side of the grass.
Fantastic article Ms. Renkl! Please share more stories. Thank you.
25
I so get this essay. Now 10 years post-menopause, I love the feeling of "who cares what others think?" (other than my husband, that is). I get to be both invisible (on the street) and visible (I'm a professor). I haven't thought about periods or cramps or anything remotely connected to them for 10 wonderful years. Fortunately, I still sleep soundly. I feel like there are still great things I might do. In fact, I'm returning to school next month. I can't wait!
11
@JenD finally got my BA after going back to school at age 52! Now on to grad school!
9
@Jane Norton You go girl!!!
So beautifully written..... I just lost my aged 19 year old poodle, Sophie last week. Another poodle, JoJo, died 4 yrs ago at age 15 1/2. They were like my children (I never had human ones). Each required about two years of constant care as they declined with Dementia. As the intervals between the waves of grief have shortened .... I've slowly removed the dog world from my home....washed and packed up Sophie's toys and beds for donation ... wandering the house, at first bereft... now less sad, but missing the role of nurturing ... parenting.... giving so much love. Divorced, I don't currently have the "aphrodisiac (of) long love".... but I did learn from both dogs about giving and receiving unconditional love. And years of hiking with my little lovers of nature - whose deepest joys revolved around the challenges of climbing a steep rocky trail, swaggering on the way back, and exploration of smells along the way - helped to connect me deeply with all nature. Such beauty observed in the world as Ms. Renkl has found after her sleepless nights, for me, with my dogs, became an ever-present gift outside my door. As far as menopause is concerned.... hmmmm.... I'm turning 61 yrs. next week... I still have a waist... skied 47 days last year... I'm chased by younger men... I'm not invisible, nor do I ever intend to be.... perhaps it was all those years of hiking? My dogs may be gone, but I will continue to honor them by climbing the rocky trails until I can no longer....
18
@Marcia Johnson
What a lovely tribute to your dogs! You too have a talent for writing,and i wish you all the best.
3
Actually, I'm tired of women "embracing" their invisibility when they don't have a choice. I do want to be noticed, taken seriously in a conversation whether work-related or social. Somehow, older men - especially those with money and power - seem to retain people's attention so much better than women. It is a cultural imbalance that needs to be redressed.
101
@CathI find that that which people believe is precisely what they will find.
People who are confident, have something interesting to say, have a sense of humor, and/or who are genuinely interested in hearing what others have to say...who will process that dialogue and can then offer a thoughtful and/or insightful response.... such people typically do not have no problems retaining the attention of those whose attention is worth it.
If all some people care about is giving attention to men (vs women) or to powerful/rich people (vs those who are poor or without power), are such people really worthy of your time or energy?
I am neither male, nor rich/powerful, yet I rarely feel that I'm not being taken seriously, and certainly not solely because of any of these attributes. Sure, there may have been occasions and certain people where I felt I was not being given the level of attention or reciprocation I was looking for or expecting, but in such instances I chalk it up to any other number of possible explanations.
6
Menopause may have made me invisible but it also allowed me to speak up when I witness an injustice or an act of kindness. I say hello to strangers. Try it. It could make your day.
19
Invisible to whom? I get it, I feel the freeing changes too, but I don't feel invisible to the people who matter to me: my family, my colleagues, my friends, my profession, my students. Its not all about the sexualized male gaze. Perhaps they see me better than before. And so I still worry about what I wear and how my hair looks, if perhaps not as much as I did at 25, and not for the same reasons.
28
All this hand-wringing about becoming invisible, with every other female commenter bemoaning (and/or welcoming) her post-menopausal invisibility. Visibility seems to be defined as a male gaze focused squarely on your body parts, with lubricious intent. I've never once heard women who, say, do vital research, argue court cases, or practice medicine complain about becoming invisible after 50. If you dislike invisibility, pursue accomplishment.
50
Thank you for this article and focusing on an issue that people of make jokes about but don't discuss openly. Not only do I make jokes about the hot flashes and interrupted sleep, but I proudly let everyone know why I now keep a handheld fan on my desk at work. Who cares, it's part of life that practically every woman has experienced since the dawn of time. Bring menopause out of the shadows, that's my philosophy. Rechargeable handheld fans are my favorite appliance. One on my night stand, one for the first floor and one at work. A little over 5 minutes later, all done, not sweaty, all cooled off. I won't take hormones so I tried melatonin to help lengthen my sleep cycles but it didn't work. (19mg) So now I take 4, 530mg of valerian, which looks like dirt, smells like dirt and tastes like dirt but it is working, hurrah! After 2 weeks I now get to sleep for 3 hours at a time only waking up to use the BR. A double blind study says 2 to 4 weeks and hot flashes might diminish as well. During the day the flashes are still every 2 hours but my fans take care of that. Good luck ladies and please enjoy your lives at whatever age, life is too short. Also laugh as much as you can. Try to look at things through a Monty Python filter, it helps!
7
I had breast cancer at 43 (I'm now 62). I then had to take "estrogen-killers" that put me into immediate menopause - no gradual transition. It was pretty brutal - like running into a brick wall at 100 mph.
I'm certainly glad to have survived cancer but I'm still dealing with the fallout - of hard chemo, hard radiation and whatever the "natural" cognitive decline of menopause might have been. My brain was a wasteland after the cancer treatment (and still is in many respects). I have worked like crazy to get my capabilities back but it's a constant uphill battle.
If I only had the author's problems I'd be extremely happy.
15
If the author likes invisibility so much, what is her need to write an editorial in the NYT? I'm post menopause, but that is just a biological aspect.
20
I am 70. Super article. Please consider a daily or weekly column in the paper.
9
What makes you think you're not cute at 56? ;)
9
Love Margaret Renkl, but I don’t agree with this column.
I personally am offended by being involuntarily ‘disappeared’—professionally and personally—by men who (judging by looks alone, not to mention accomplishments) should be just as invisible in this culture as I am, but are not.
I’m divorced a long time and have been on my own since. Everything I accomplished—getting a masters degree at 30, a law degree at 40, buying my own house, raising and re-building that house after it was flooded in Hurricane Sandy—I’ve accomplished on my own. You would think that would be celebrated, or at least acknowledged. But it’s as if none of it ever happened.
I am still here, still interested and interesting, still passionate about things, still relevant in many ways. I am not satisfied merely knowing this myself; I would like the world (or at least the little world I live in) to acknowledge it, or at least continue to engage me. I don’t think women should be satisfied with less. Women turning invisible as they age is NOT a natural state—if it was, men in the same age range would be invisible as well, and they are not. We should not accept this as normal, and try to persuade ourselves it’s a positive thing.
65
@cirincis - if people who are close to you celebrate and acknowledge your considerable accomplishments, is that not enough? I don't think "the world" owes any of us any particular recognition for living our lives the way we choose, as it seems you have done, very successfully! I'm not sure there is any natural state anymore - we all live in a very human-made state, no?
4
Yes, my family and friends appreciate me, and I’m grateful for that. But I live and work in the larger world, and don’t appreciate having to struggle to get people to know and acknowledge what I provide professionally and personally. By way of example, my boss is a man my age, with only 1/3 my education and a teaspoon of my brains. Guess who gets credit for all my work, and makes significantly more money? I’ll bet you can ....
9
l live in a college town. It is vibrant and lively (sometimes too!) and decidedly YOUNG. At some point, albeit maybe many years past menopause, it occurred to me that pretty much NO ONE noticed me on the streets. Sometimes I could see that a stranger would look at me from halfway down our downtown pedestrian walk mall. They had a look of curiosity and a checking out...until they got close enough to see the gray/white my long curly brown hair and that I was indeed well beyond the age of any undergraduate. Then I could see them just shift their gaze to look past me. I was invisible. Rattled at first, I quickly saw the joy of it. I could wear anything anytime any wear. I was invisible. Age is my burka - it covers me and shields me. I feel freer than ever in my life.
16
I'm 75 now and didn't have a single symptom of menopause, except no more periods. I sleep like a log and wake up refreshed every day. My body has changed shape a little, but I am still slender, so I have no complaints. My cat, Phillip Norris, handsome dude, seems to enjoy my company. My only complaint is that retirement is a mixed blessing. I love the free time and I hate it too. I volunteer, but it is not the same. I think I may start sewing again. I certainly don't need the clothes, but I used to enjoy sewing. Maybe I'll make baby or doll clothes. Who knows, maybe I'll start a whole new career.
22
There is a certain freedom now, at 61, that I can't get enough of. It's like fresh air in a bottle- who could have imagined? Even though I still think menopause lingers, I now have enough ammo to last a lifetime. It has been well worth it...
6
Thank you and beautifully written. I went through premature menopause at age 39, blissfully said goodbye to pills and diaphragms forever, and luckily had few difficult symptoms to deal with. My husband and I grappled with the knowledge that we would never have a second child, and should we adopt, etc, decided that one wonderful child was enough for us. Now approaching 62, trying to stay in shape and healthy, I realize how glad I am to be free of the street and workplace harassment I faced when I was younger, and sometimes I even get offered a seat on Bart (our local transit). So I enjoy this time for what it is and can be, and hope I will be around for much more.
4
Menopause, like menarche and menstruation, is a normal, natural part of a woman's life. It does not render a woman "invisible" or anything else that has become associated with this part of a woman's reproductive life. Women are far more than reproduction. I can't understand why this stage of life treated with descriptions such as "brutal" or "gift". It's a stage and a phase that if a woman is fortunate, will be more than 1/3rd of her life. I welcome all phases of life because life is good.
8
@njbmd Perhaps you don't understand because you never experienced menstruation, PMS, hot flashes, insomnia, menstrual migraines? Yes, menopause is a natural phase, but no one has the right to define its meaning for anyone else.
2
Beautiful! Yes, we're invisible in many ways. Yet interestingly, just as we fight weight gain, our every accomplishment carries a little more weight than when we were young. I just retired from teaching at 63, and I swim two or three mornings a week at our town's aquatic center. Last week, I wondered why my dear friend, a daily swimmer 20 years my senior, hadn't come into the pool yet. Turns out, she'd driven an hour to meet a group of women for some open-water lake swimming at sunrise. Wow. These are the stars I'm watching these days.
21
Marvelous. Just marvelous.
4
What a terrific article with just the right blend of poignancy, humor and relevance! From so funny---the bikini line with the message underneath like that of the prom dress--do it and don't worry! So much worrying, so unnecessary. I did not listen, either to my mother who said so young....still.
Thank you.Still, no puppies for me, but nicely put and perfect.
5
This is so beautifully written. I myself am heading for my menopause years in the not-too-distant future. This article made me really appreciate the positive side of the experience.
All this talk of invisibility, though, strikes me as so odd. Even if we don't catch others' eyes as much we still have such power to wield. I can't see how any woman who votes could ever consider herself invisible. I hope that every woman who has embraced one kind of invisibility will gladly raise her voice in the biggest, loudest way and make themselves bigger, badder and way more visible then ever come November 6th.
26
@AnnaK
The invisibility is different, unexplainable and cannot be imagined, only experienced. It is subjective and totally owned by each of us. You will see, and welcome to the club.
6
Dear Margaret, this is so beautifully written, it is sheer poetry. I just turned 59, and I too love being invisible. I always was, sort of, since I never felt as “pretty” as any of my sisters, or schoolmates, or co-workers. But now, I simply do. Not. Care. And to be able to walk down the street in total freedom, totally being myself, even without makeup or jewelry, wearing only the most comfortable clothes for this day’s weather, is absolute bliss.
20
You can have a waistline even if you're not fertile. I was never a woman who turned heads either, but as I approach my 65th birthday I look forward to becoming more fit and svelte from my daily work-outs. Menopause has been brutal for me--vicious hot flashes, sleeplessness and yes cancer from estrogen therapy--but I still like to wear appropriate, interesting party dresses. Dressing up and enjoining nature are not mutually exclusive.
13
There's nothing great about the ever increasing decrepitude of the body (I'm 65), but I do not feel "invisible," and I'm happier than I've ever been mainly because I no longer have to work.
18
Menopause was not a poetic, wistful, philosophical, dreamy time for me, spent counting my blessings and being happy to disappear. It was hell on earth, a battle for survival following a necessary hysterectomy when I was 50.
After a nonstop year of it, when my doctor told me he had 70-year-old patients who were still suffering from menopause symptoms, I knew I could not do that. I had to earn a living.
My doctor prescribed low-dose estrogen, not just to help me get a grip on my tortured life, but to try to dodge the osteoporosis that made my mother and sister into tiny, fragile women, each a collection of brittle bones that broke one after another. (At 70, when my mother turned her head too quickly she snapped a vertebra in her neck.) They both lived to be 90, but plagued with pain and disability.
Not every day is perfect, but I still do my own housework (a couple of days ago I was up on a ladder reattaching a broken light chain switch), drive my car, solve most of my own and my husband's computer problems.
I am healthy now—not overweight, no diabetes nor heart disease, no osteoporosis—but I know that I am very, very lucky (I'm continually knocking on wood).
I have survived breast cancer, which killed another sister (the estrogen was after my breast cancer) and in a few days, thanks to brilliant medical care, I will celebrate 2 years of life cancer-free post-pancreatic surgery.
This month, in a couple of weeks, I will be 84.
896
@dutchiris
Good for you!
I, too, had 'early menopause @ 47 -- tho I must blame intense trauma and stress around that time for short-circuiting my hormonal balance and longevity.
Was on HRT for 5-6 years, which helped immensely.
Very sorry I quit / was talked into quitting. In hindsight, see they made all the difference between functioning and not.
Now, no one will put me back on, even tho I'm ready to take on the risks ...
Congrats on your good outcomes (knock wood, of course) with other serious issues.
Happy birthday to you.
bravo!!!
As in any well-written piece of literature, there is a personal message for each reader. For me, menopause is the metaphor for the retirement I'm newly exploring. I once asked one of my husband's successfully retired friends how he navigated it. I loved his answer: "I went from being "Who's Who" to "Who's that?"
13
Honestly, I don't quite get it. Just turned 45 and feel more visible than ever. I think in my 20's and 30's I was being looked at but never seen. Maybe people were distracted by the package and saw what they wanted to see? Now I finally feel like I command respect, and people, men included, actually care about my opinion. It's amazing.
22
I felt as you do in my forties. Then my fifties hit, and it was a whole other experience (much like this essay). I hope your experience is different. But it may be too soon for you to judge the essay's accuracy.
17
Wait a decade.
7
@Alyssa - You don't get it yet, but you will in 15 or 20 years. And by the way, 45 is a prime age which is why you "feel more visible than ever".
5
Thanks for this beautifully written, thoughtful and thought provoking piece. Enjoy the puppy and all the beautiful things you see on your sunrise walks.
17
I disagree with the writer. I am 54 and have worked so hard exercising one/one plus hours most days, preparing most meals with mindfulness, and not giving into a number and a stage in life. I have protected myself from the suns harm, kept my family first as well as working at an extremely all consuming career. Life has been unbelievably tough raising my children but I try to step forward with appreciation and motivation. Menopause isn’t a cane but a notch in life. It is how you look at it, half full or half empty.
23
"I've become invisible. I like it."
Yikes. Normally I find provocative teasers like that appealing, but as another postmenopausal woman, I've got a couple of problems with this premise.
a) The author seems to equate invisibility with physical attractiveness.
b) The author seems to buy in to the "riding into the sunset" stereotype of postmenopausal women.
In my fifties, in a career where it's been challenging for women to be taken seriously until about five minutes ago, I consider myself still on the ascent. I'm working harder and better than ever, now with the benefit of decades of experience. If I forget a word now and then, big deal. Some of my younger counterparts can't remember appointments and haven't figured out how to manage their calendars yet. Which is a bigger problem?
While I share the author's satisfaction with not having to worry about being judged on appearance (our younger counterparts shouldn't have to deal with this either), here are some of the places I do not find it acceptable to be treated as invisible:
Business meetings. Conferences. Restaurants. Electronics stores. Music stores. Car dealers. Old Navy. Forever 21.
I bet you all can add quite a few.
103
I like your comments. Can you write an article about the need for women at any age NOT to be treated as invisible?
5
@Wondering - It's not the author who equates invisibility with physical attractiveness (and youth), it's our society. And I disagree with your interpretation that the author is suggesting "riding into the sunset". Not at all. It's a shift in perspective, brought on by both how people instantly judge by looks/age, and by personal introspection that brings a more focused appreciation of all aspects of life.
3
When I was in my 20s, I turned heads. For a while, I dated a man in his 40s who usually dated only women his age or older. He told me something I never forgot: it's not that women are not attractive later in life. It's that they don't behave and dress like they're dying for attention, so men treat them with more distance and respect.
Now 50, I get it. I don't care one whit about getting attention. I used to be keenly aware of it, and fretted if I wasn't being looked at or hit on—I invested so much of my self-worth in my appearance, despite having many other things going for me...having a PhD from a top school, being able to talk about many topics, speaking multiple languages, having lived and traveled around the world, and being a kind person with a sense of humor who attracted lots of friends. I still have all those things, plus a terrific husband and interesting career, and I honestly do not miss the 20-something who paid for school with modeling jobs.
I do not dress to be noticed. I couldn't care less. If I want male attention, I still know how to get it, but I don't. Menopaused at 47. Hormone therapy made all the difference: did away with hot flashes, thinning hair, insomnia. There is help if you're willing to use it.
I love how at peace I feel in life. It's incredible to genuinely not worry about how I am perceived. It also means I appreciate men in a different way than when I was young, and it's mutual; we see one another as people now, not potential bedmates.
18
It's great to be invisible until people start talking over your head as if you didn't exist.
I saw this when I took my mother out to dinner and to other places where the servers would ask me what she wanted. I would always say "Ask the lady please, she will tell you"
When she was 93 and very ill the doctor asked my brother and I about surgery. I was infuriated , I interrupted the doctor, "Ma , do you want surgery?"
She said "No, No surgery!"
I told the doctor that she had my mother's order and that was the end of it.
That's not the kind of invisibility I want for myself.
66
Just lovely... a wonderful, authentic piece of intelligent and grateful reflection.
Thank you.
3
Menopause was rough for me, until I got hormone replacement therapy and changed jobs. Kids had left home, and my husband was pretty independent. My new job demanded quite a bit of international travel, along with a courage I had never had to find in myself. Invisibility did become my superpower, as I navigated foreign cities and dined alone in restaurants, free to explore and people watch. No one paid me any attention, when attention might have been intimidating. I had no one to worry about. Now at 71, I am so grateful for those years. There is much to enjoy about your 50s!
12
I am so glad she wrote this. It's a phenomena that no one prepares you for! At first, I didn't like my invisibility but I have grown into it and I do like it. I like to use it to my advantage. I believe Frances McDormand has the right attitude.
6
I am now past menopause. It took 10 years to go through it and there were some hard times (including a hysterectomy) but I made it through. I have not had all the same experiences as the author but I do agree with her enjoyment of being invisible. I was date-raped at the age of 20 and never had a positive physical image of myself after that. I was always terrified that any interest from a man would mean another rape. I knew intellectually that it was not the case, even had therapy on and off over the years, but emotionally I just could not trust ever again. But now that I am not young, firm, and physically attractive anymore, I can relax and be myself without fear. I am just another white haired granny that no one pays attention to, which is just fine by me - I am free to enjoy my life again.
10
Great piece Margaret. Our invisibility is our power now!
4
Beautiful! Thank you.
Simply wonderful piece.
Not that this is the point of the article but the writer is absolutely beautiful and looks like she is 40. How she feels is how she feels but she certainly isn’t invisible.
3
I'm 76 years old and menopause has been my companion for almost 30 years. Gotta say, they've been the best years of my life. My kids are grownup and providing me w/ grandchildren and now a great-granddaughter. I'm a retired city bus driver w/ an ample pension. I don't have to worry if I look beautiful because I know I'm not. I get to sit in my living room and read all the astro-physics and the evolution of homo sapiens I want. I design and make my own clothes. (Happily, my daughter is too smart to be embarrassed by that.) I get up when I want to, eat what I want to and read all the books--and the New York Times--that I want to. What's not to like?
39
Gosh, I loved this. Mrs. Renkel, I'd buy in a second a book by you about this very subject.
For goodness sake you're 56 not 86! I'm 56 and relish the fact that there is so much to do and experience - and I feel anything but invisible. This reads like it was written by someone who has given up - decades too early. Age is just a number! Go buy a dog and have some fun!
34
AMEN!
9
I have a different perspective. You see, I've been invisible all my life. I've never been graced by beauty as a man would define it and menopause has simply made me lost hope - the possibility of being on the receiving end of a "male gaze" is gone forever. I never had it and I never will. Furthermore, becoming hot-natured has just made life more uncomfortable. Maybe for some, too much male attention (of a sexual nature) is a negative, but is it not better than none at all?
10
As a young woman at concerts and music festivals she was easy to spot, way up front near the band, a gray-haired woman in a flowy skirt, dancing nonstop, with complete abandon, often alone. I have become that woman. If people whisper about me, fine. I can't hear them anyway.
27
Just the fact of not dealing with periods is a huge release. And like most women in Europe, I still wear a bikini at almost 60. Nora Ephron was way too timid. Men let their bellies hang out on the beach, why shouldn't women? Ours are usually in better shape anyway.
35
Beautifully done. As Rosie said in Mama Mia "Yeah, just more plumbing to be maintained, isn't it?"
Margaret, you are one sexy babe and your husband is a very lucky man!
My wife will be 57 in a couple of months. She's far from invisible, and I still find her sexy. Unfortunately, she finds my desire for intimacy annoying. I still try and I still hope.
24
I've a young PCP who runs marathons. She takes one look at me and I know she's thinking, pathetic. What she does not understand is the natural sleep deprivation of women during menopause. When I talk to here about it, she suggests that I am depressed and may need psycho therapeutic medications. How much time do they spend on studying menopause in med schools? Maybe a few minutes, if even that.
16
Oh, Ms. Renkl, keep writing. Your thoughts are a sanctuary, a retreat, from insanity. I will submit this and go do meditation.
Enjoy that puppy. While you're at it, consider an adult dog. They're invisible, too.
30
Is this the same woman who advised silence in the face of racism?
2
@Nicholas Balthazar
Yes, perhaps not silence but care to not alienate them or else how will they learn – or something along those lines. Yikes, she's only 56 and worried that this makes her
invisible. I think her views on things make her more invisible than her age.
7
To paraphrase a line of Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam: I am an older woman ..and I'm happy!
stop. not menopause, because it won't restart. it should just be called menostop. period.
and glad it did.
3
Brilliant. Thank you.
from Plato's "the Republic" "I may mention Sophocles the poet, who was once asked in my presence, ‘How do you feel about love, Sophocles? are you still capable of it?’ to which he replied, ‘Hush! if you please: to my great delight I have escaped from it, and feel as if I had escaped from a frantic and savage master.’ I thought then, as I do now, that he spoke wisely. For unquestionably old age brings us profound repose and freedom from this and other passions." Men feel the same way sad to say after probably 60.
5
If you engage with the world, have enthusiasms and passions, and know joy, you cannot be invisible. I am 65 - some of my closest friends are twenty years younger than I, and some are twenty years older. Last spring I hiked the Cotwolds - 15 miles a day for ten days. Next year I'm spending a month in Andalusia to perfect my Spanish. I race 10ks alongside a 75 year old pal who runs marathons. I've survived cancer, and every day is a blessing. I know no age, only possibility. And live with the constant goal of taking back this country for our children. Invisible? Not in my lexicon. - Bill's partner, Colleen
22
Peri-menopause, that period of time where we evolve into menopause,(for me lasted ten years) could be trying, but POST-menopause is a delight. Those hot flashes (the warms I called them and had maybe 50/day -not a typo) along with interrupted sleep tend to fade away once one is well and truly post-menopause (provided one keeps off of replacement hormones). Once one reaches true menopause life is great. It’s like being twelve years old again. You’re just YOU.
I love being invisible, too. It’s so freeing.
6
I have a sad(ish) story. At 40 I met and fell in love with a man 8 years my junior. I knew it spelled risk for my 60s, but I was young and confident. We built a home and a business together and raised 4 daughters, two his and two mine. Like a few others here have said, I loved my periods and the tumultuous cycles of fertility.
Menopause at 56, while physically easy, coincided with serious illness for my 85 year old, not well-insured mother who lived alone 1000 miles away. She moved into my home just as the youngest daughter went to college. I doubt that's the only reason, but I became less and less visible to him, and a month ago, at age 61, I gave him the business, sold the house and moved back with her to her home 1000 miles away. He spent my 60th birthday last year looking at hook up sites.
4
I’m sorry for your loss but maybe it’s your gain. You sound beautiful and the right person will see that. I wish you well.
12
Thanks for this. It expresses my sentiments exactly.
2
Beautiful piece. Such a lovely perspective on embracing change gracefully. Love of nature and living life more fully is a great freedom we gain as we age. This story resonated with me on many levels, especially having to say goodbye to our beloved ancient dog while going through menopause. Very tumultuous days indeed.
Survived the muckiness of it all, with among other things, a new dog and time upstate. The 50’s are powerful and quite magical too.
2
I liked this piece. It has meaning for many types of folks, if you look for or are open to it. I am sad about the comments essentially saying "you don't speak for me" or "it must be nice [to have a lake to walk to, or to be able to be groggy from sleeplessness the next day without having to work 3 jobs, or not having other worries." This is a theme with other recent OPINIONS from writers sharing meaningful, transferrable messages. Why begrudge someone her "privilege" (I bet she worked hard to get it, maybe had some luck, too) for such simple things like enjoying the beauty of nature? We can ALL do that, whatever our circumstances, however small the moment we can capture, whatever sadness or worry or distress weighs on us. In this instance, any woman can love her woman-ness, and anyone can embrace acceptance.
20
62 and have never slept better in my life. No hot flashes or mood swings either. Doctors tells me I'm a phenomenon. Maybe so, but maybe because I just never thought or cared about menopause in the first place. Anyway, still the best time of my life.
13
Hello to all the invisible ladies,
As a man of a certain age (65) I too, am a resident of the nocturnal world. Sleep is a wonderful mystery, a land that I visit only on occasion. Age may be a blessing, but its side affects are not. In place of a good night's sleep, I exercise while the city sleeps I run through miles of city streets. While bags grow under my eyes, my heart and lungs are strong and my body muscular.
Now as to the subject at hand, newsflash to all the invisible ladies, you are not invisible, maybe to some, the unaware, the unworthy, but to me, you are very visible, sirens of tremendous beauty. You are not girls, trying too hard to be attractive, unsure in your step.
You are gorgeous curvaceous women, you walk certainty of stride. You have knowledge of who you are and just what you want. Your qualities make you irresistible.
Oh yes, I most certainly see you and I am so glad that you are here.
121
I am now post-menopausal which means I still experience some effects every day. And, as it happens, I just self-published an illustrated eBook called “Mid-Century Modern selective stories before I become invisible” (Amazon) in which I attempted, with humor, to address the very issue of invisibility. I also illustrated - to the best of my ability - what a hot flash looks and feels like to me and refer to what I call “the insomnia years”. I do offer a solution to that which happens to work for me. But this is a state of continuous being, for better or for worse.
2
So glad about the puppy. I couldn't believe that 56 is too old!
6
And I'm sure that the puppy doesn't think so either. Blessings!
2
Being invisible won't last forever. Wait 15 or 20 years, and you will find the world beaming once again at you. All it takes is for you to walk down the street, pushing a stroller, with your grand baby inside, finally, at long last, sleeping!
2
I found this essay to be depressing and misleading as it is apt to give younger women the wrong impression about reaching menopause. First of all, not every woman has the horrible side effects of menopause. Some (like myself) never have hot flashes, our waistlines are the same and we are just as active and fired up about life as ever. And too old to adopt a puppy? I know women in their sixties who are not just raising puppies but taking care of chickens, goats and running tri-athalons! Stop the stereotyping about older women.
52
@Mary E totally agree. I also never experienced a hot flash, sleep like a baby and still have a waistline (albeit with a few more inches). Maybe it's the genes (my great grandmother became a mom at 50 and both grandmothers had 'menopause babies' in their late 40's).
7
@Rick Wow. What is the point of your comment? Maybe try reading the article... It's not that she WANTS to be invisible. It's that there is a certain freedom in the TYPE of invisibility that comes with menopause -- namely, the type of freedom from men who feel entitled to comment on the "what, why, when, how, and where" of women.
19
Age 56? I'm age 69 and have survived several life-threatening events--and still run! Menopause caused some surprise weight gain in an otherwise slender frame. The solution was simple: natural progesterone cream to offset the estrogen-heavy imbalance. Otherwise life has been luxuriously liberating--no abusers no menstruation no pregnancy risk no oppressive employers. I'll take the invisibility any day! Happy menopause, Margaret!
13
You've not become 'invisible', but rather, have simply joined the majority of the population who have not nor will ever receive 'special attention' merely due to their age+gender.
I really tire of older (and typically 'white') women saying they've become invisible, when in fact, most of them are actually 'resenting' the loss of extra attention, smiles, perks and 'validation' they received from strangers, when they were younger.
Sadly, as far as women have progressed as a whole, far too many younger women continue to look outside themselves for validation.
22
The invisibility is freeing in all the ways the author states, but I'm so invisible now, people literally walk into me on the sidewalk, or pass me in line. That's annoying.
7
Funny! I have asked, sarcastically, a time or two if I AM invisible, usually while waiting in line after someone rudely cuts ahead. Don’t think it’s my age or appearance, though, just their boorishness.
3
I hope to have a similar perspective after coming to terms with this crazy menopause thing in a few years. Having just turned 50, the transition from visibility to invisibility is no joke. A wise woman once told me never to waste my forties wishing I were still in my thirties because, she assured me, at fifty- forty would seem very young. At forty this didn't make that much sense to me, but it does indeed now.
376
Thank you for this insightful piece. I hope to one day achieve the self-acceptance and satisfaction of the author, but right now I am still in it - raising 2 teenagers and working full time. I began perimenopause at age 41, now 43 and if I don’t take my daily herbs, my teeny dose of Effexor and get regular exercise, I will go right back to hot flashes every hour, on the hour, day and night. When this first began to happen, I decided that I would try to be as open and communicative/transparent about my experience because it’s not something we ladies talk about, and I could have benefited from more dialogue about the experience from my female friends of many ages.
3
Many of the women experiencing sleepless nights do so with the continuing need to perform at full time, and sometimes high pressure employment; often in ageist and possibly sexist workplaces where older worker's continuing worth are questioned.
Constant exhaustion and looking as tired as you feel become job, and financial security threatening problems.
Treating this as some lovely experience of self exploration ignores the real hardship and serious life challenges posed for many women by the inability to sleep in menopause.
Romancing that reality may feed into why there is no push for medical advancement to find aids for hot flashes and the resulting insomnia.
Maybe that advice to 26 year olds should be not to strive for a challenging professional career, since they won't be able to continue to perform at the needed level when they get middle aged. glass ceiling indeed.
9
@ah What???? Yeah girls do not try to have much of
a career, because all those women who were successful before and during and after menopause were just anomalies. Are you kidding me? Menopause is not an illness. There are ways and means of dealing with it. I am an actress and yes other actresses complained about the problems, but catch one turning down a plumb role because of boo hoo menopause. They did not and they thrived. Thanks a lot Debbie Downer!
2
@cheerful dramatist
I was trying to make a point about how the challenges of living with some of the symptoms are not taken seriously.
in hope of encouraging aide for the symptoms not seeking to limit anyones options.
if you have information on ways and means you mention of improving the symptoms of the severe hot flashes please do share them.
1
@ah I agree.I found this article cruelly elitist. Most women don't have the privilege of choosing to enjoy being invisible---they need their jobs too badly. Really tone-deaf.
4
I'll turn 54 in November. My doctor tells me I'm in peri-menopause. She has been telling me this for quite some time now. With each heavy flows and irregular cycles I long for the gift of menopause to come my way. I want this super power to be invisible because at present I clearly stand out.
3
I too feel this way about my menopause moment(s). Like my fertility, menopause is a reminder of how amazing my body was, is and will be. My relationship with my days and my nights are changing. I am learning new things about my days and nights and appreciating the new'ness' of each. Thank you for putting words to this gift.
2
I am one of the few women I know who loved getting her period. I liked the rhythm of it, the intensity of feelings, the sense of the power of biology in my own body. My relatively late menopause was a strange time of life, like a second adolescence in terms of the changes in the way my body worked. At 62, while I sometimes miss the sharp focus, high energy, and quicker mind of my youth, I mostly like this time of life as much as I liked each earlier stage. I particularly appreciate the greater perspective and the lack of self-consciousness. I worry less. And I do things I might not have done before, like taking dance classes with men half my age (I learn the steps as fast as they do).
For me the main drawback is that post-menopause brought periodic gut migraines about every other month that flatten me for a day or two. Has anyone else experienced this?
4
@BFG Not gut migraines, but regular migraines have returned. Haven't had them this often since before my 12 yo son was born. Now in perimenopause, and I can count on a migraine a month again...
Otherwise, I'm enjoying being 50!
3
Menopause was miserable for me. I was often depressed, but mostly I was physically miserable despite trying everything. Several years in, it turned out that I had a huge cyst on one ovary that most likely exacerbated the misery. Thankfully, it was benign.
After recovering from the hysterectomy, I no longer had depression and almost never experience anger or other negative feelings. Truly a miracle for my loved ones.
For many years, I have been a caregiver off and on to dying family members. After the death of my mother, a therapist told me I should look forward to the next third of my life. I like that.
My husband died last spring. We had a good and loving marriage. And now a new gentleman, whom I've known many years, is calling on me, and we're looking at the concept of "Living Apart Together". That was my suggestion; I've come to treasure my private time. But I'm also happy to know that, when we want him, Cupid is wiling to come around at any age.
16
Love being old and alone - my thermostat is the only one that matters finally. Alone doesn’t equal lonely.
18
I thought I was invisible at 56. Now I am 65 and I swear, I am transparent - people don't ignore me so much as look right through me. But that frees me up to be all kinds of free. Today I sat on a beach with my beloved, turned to him and said, "Oh, how much I love you!" - a younger (40s) woman heard, turned her head and smiled, perhaps thinking she has much to look forward to...
22
I got off easy in the menopause lottery. Very few symptoms or problems. Didn't do any hormone therapy. Not sure why I got off easy when my sisters certainly didn't, but I'm not complaining.
I'm glad the author has come to terms with it. 56 is not that old (or so I hope!) and there is still much we can enjoy in life.
6
I'm far into menopause. I never really thought about it, and still don't. One thing happened that was beyond my wildest dreams. My thick, unmanageable hair that I always hated stopped being that way, turning thinnish and manageable with only enough gray to masquerade as streaks. It's long! It now runs down my back for the first time in my life.
My appetite disappeared, with my taste for food becoming austere. The result is a fifteen-pound weight loss toward a desired total of 20. I feel better than I ever have, more confident and centered. I do have arthritis everywhere, but the pain is manageable.
I didn't think menopause would be this way. Great discovery! (age 72)
11
Oh, the consolation of words and writers, like Margaret Renkl, willing to speak of how keenly we feel the losses and joys time brings. It would have been enough, as the song says, to know how the connection of one human to another make all the difference.
5
Invisible is one thing, but dismissed and downtrodden is another. 56 with health insurance is good- without health insurance, not so much. 56 in a fulfilling job that pays a living wage is good and not having to work as a waitress on your feet all day or having to take a bus or taxi or walk to a minimum wage Walmart job.
For some women, 56 can be a life of desperation, dreams unrealized and a fear of destitution in old age- but for us fortunate well cared for middle, upper middle class, rich and educated women, yes there are things we can savor. We are the lucky ones.
23
As someone of the same age I was incredibly relieved to read the last sentence!
3
“Now my internal thermostat is broken. I wake up to throw off the covers and lie there, wondering if my beleaguered country can survive the cataclysm that has befallen it, if the Earth itself can survive the convulsion is it undergoing. Feeling old and tired and very worried — that’s not a recipe for hope.”
Perfect description of a shared experience. Thank you for writing it. Yay, I’m not alone! Let wisdom and effective action emerge from such awareness.
3
Enjoy. By the time you're 77, you'll find even more ways to enjoy invisibility and old age. My favorite experience is: One recent day I was driving around town running errands, listening to a great cd with old-time favorite music played by orchestras instead of bands. I turned it louder. Then louder still. Then I minimized the treble and sent the bass almost to its max. My 12-year-old Prius started to vibrate with all that percussion. I laughed at myself, recalling all those macho-teen kids who do the same thing at 2am on Saturday nights. Then I got to a red light. At first I was embarrassed and reached to lower the volume so others wouldn't hear it. Then I thought: Why not keep enjoying it? People in the surrounding cars probably looked at me, thinking that white-haired old lady either doesn't know how to tune her cd player, or she's too deaf to hear it. And I thought, well, if that's what you think, I might as well keep doing what I'm doing and I'll enjoy every minute of it. And a few seconds later the light turned green and everybody disbursed.
19
@cynic2 Awesome! ;-) I often think about the type of older person I'd like to be in my decades ahead. I relish older people like yourself, who have personality, individuality, who enjoy themselves, and whose energy invigorates and inspires others, often younger than they.
For me, wearing spectacular outfits is a 'present' to those who encounter me. I consider clothing - or rather, 'outfits' - to have the ability to be temporary street art. I love nothing better than encountering an older person on the street... a man wearing a three-piece suit, pocket hankie and fancy walking stick. Or a woman dressed all in shades of red and fuschia from head to toe.
I've often thought about the fact that many items intended to help the elderly and disabled be more 'mobile', are unnecessarily ugly, boring and sterile looking. Take canes for example. Why must they all be the same shape, and in either black, brown or silver (with black rubber tips)? Buy yourself a spectacular walking stick, or else a colorful cane. https://www.fashionablecanes.com/Elegant_Handle_Walking_Canes.html#filte...
If you must use a walker, why not decorate it? Wrap colorful ribbon around the poles. Add some fun decals.
One time I saw a guy on a motorcycle with salsa music coming out of his portable speakers. He seemed to be having a great time on his bike. Then I noticed his folding wheelchair hanging from the back of his bike.
When life gives you lemons, why not make lemonade??
4
Being an introvert, this is the perfect time for me. It's rather amusing to note that I I noticed an older woman sitting next to me in a restaurant, we both happened to order a glass of house Pinot Grigio. I really enjoyed it and thought to myself that I'd like to get the brand name, and before I could ask, I overheard her ask. I wanted to engage a little and agree that it was a very nice wine but the couple of times I did, I was not acknowledged by either her or her husband. Not sure if she did not hear me, or just had no concept of me, she and her husband seemed to be in their own world, so I left it alone. So while yes, I'd like to be left alone, I also think social interactions are important, especially if they are about mutual likes (I am going to try my best *not* to share my dislikes!).
6
Beautifully written. At 58, I'm learning to say no to *my own* expectations as well as society's. It's still difficult to accept certain missed opportunities, but getting easier every month. And after burying friends as well as parents, dealing with scary health episodes (my own and loved ones'), and not quite recognizing the terrain of that fuller, scarred, but still sexy body in the mirror, I feel far from invisible -- I feel POWERFUL and confident and commandingly attractive in ways I never did in the bloom of youth. What a good lesson!
7
I thought I was invisible for a hot minute but then I realized it was an assumption. Now 66 yo, I feel that get noticed constantly. People often comment on my energy and my hair which is silver. Young people including guys seem comfortable striking up a conversation in work and in social situations. I make eye contact, jokes and I smile. Works for me.
59
@Marguerite Cyr Thanks for adding this observation. I agree wholeheartedly. Far too many (hetero) American women have this notion that once they hit a certain age, that men will no longer consider them attractive. But you gotta ask...which came first, the chicken or the egg? Why would anyone find a person attractive if they are totally 'down' on themselves, and then 'give up' on even trying to be presentable, vibrant, or dare I say 'attractive'? Once we women hit a certain age, sure, we may not look 20 years old anymore, but is that necessarily a bad thing? All anyone can do is be the best version of themselves that they can be, and the rest will follow. ;-)
7
I cannot really relate with this piece, since I am in my early 40s. Also, until a few years back, I've been suffering so much from issues related to menstruation that my only thoughts on the matter involve throwing a big party when the time comes. I know it may turn out nasty, but at this point, nearly three decades of suffering overshadow everything else.
However, Ms Renkl's writing is absolutely beautiful! And, yes, please keep covering topics that for many people are kind of a taboo. We all have to benefit from openness and others' experiences/viewpoints.
One comment on the bikini point: ladies, wear it whenever in your life you feel up to it! And if you choose to do so, wear it for you, not for anyone else! I feel I am rocking it at 42, since it took me this long to realise the benefits of regular, well-balanced physical exercise. My goals are health and decent bone density after menopause, but a well-toned body and confidence I'd never experienced before are very welcome 'side-effects' indeed.
6
Male menopause is real but just takes longer. It's unfair that the timing isn't more synced up between the sexes. Just one more thing to complain about? No. But it is good to be aware of it. I, for one, enjoy post menopausal women more. The ones who just accept it. In some, I see an enormous realignment of their interests and priorities. It is for many, though painful and uncomfortable, a relief. Time for a new chapter....So much of our culture ( all of it?) is geared towards the young, nubile, always energetic, and the not so subtle pressure to be the alluring female....I prefer the wisdom that comes with age and maturity....
13
Living in a nice place where you can wake up at night and walk to a lake and see blue herons will definitely help your mindset. i am sure many women your age who live in ghettos or boring suburban tract homes must envy you. and rage against their fading youth.
13
Why take off the bikini at 34 if you like them?
I also wonder if we are invisible at all ages but only recognize as we grow older the fact that everyone is mostly caught up in themselves, their thoughts, worries, joy, agitations, to be concerned about others or what what I am looking like?
16
@Lois Joy I found that it wasn't so much age as having children which left me not liking the bikini any more. Or rather not liking what it revealed.
1
with diminished interest in dating men, i have no reason to deal with their noise
9
I wish. Turning 50 in a few weeks, with no sign of menopause, periods like clockwork. Can't wait for that problem, and the fluctuation in energy levels that comes with it, to be over. The waistline is long gone, but that's due to too much stress, too much food, too little sleep and too little exercise, not menopause. I was never pretty enough to get much male attention anyway, so I don't miss that. Never wanted kids, so won't mourn the loss of fertility. I do worry about employability post-50 though, especially since I work in an industry (higher ed) with some major transitions and downsizings likely on the horizon. I'd be less worried if we could get Medicare expanded to those in their 50's.
14
Sort of like a man losing his hair.
4
Yeah, not really. When men lose their hair it doesn’t stop them from reproducing, for example.
8
not. even. close.
9
@Ed Unless you're a man who looks like Kojak.
I just think it is wonderful, well not the menopause adjustment at first, but my Mom gave me great advice,
she said she just ignored the symptoms. Well she ignored
lots of things that should not be ignored, which is why
I have embraced therapy my whole life. But I must say that
I found it helped a lot, and I kinda figured on my own that
menopause was a natural occurrence and remember a
Chinese doctor at a lecture once saying hot flashes were very good things because they cleared the arteries of plaque and prolonged a woman's life. So I sort of enjoyed the hot flashes. I had very minor symptoms so I cannot recommend ignoring for everyone. But I tell you I feel like a kid again, about 10 years old and free from all that grown up, serious stuff. Yes old age is not for sissies and there are scary times thinking about the shorter future, and disease and disabilities but so far I have been blessed with good health, and eat organic and sleep on organic sheets and wear organic clothing as much as possible. Well LL bean clothes are probably full of toxins, but half my outer clothes are GOTs certified. Filter the water, eat raw garlic and ginger and so on. Yes, old age is not for sissies, but Damn, I enjoy life so much more, everything seems richer and gee I still feel very sexual. I do not act on it and younger men turn me off. But glad to find certain old men still can thrill me, Yipee!
12
I'm in my mid 40's. I was a fat woman until my late 30's. I was invisible then. I get looks now. My whole life is easier now. I see a lot of women my age, and they put on weight and are less concerned about their appearance and it is what it is- they look like me when I was fat and dressed to be invisible.
Maybe as you get older, and go thru menopause, your priorities change from being physically attractive- it's not the seniors crowding Sephora.... to other priorities.
I'm sure if you want to keep a bikini body- and are willing to put in that work (which is usually at cost of other things in life) you can. You can skip the wine, find 2 hours a day to work out, and eat really healthy. Or you can put that effort into other areas of your life.
I think (hope) by the time we all reach menopause, we have all decided to pursue what we really value with our time and money.
And I also think men disappear, unless they have a lot of money. But women can play the same game if they have wealth.
13
Enjoy the puppy!
10
Brilliant, just brilliant!
3
Am I the only one indignant that Margaret was denied the pleasure of adopting a dog? With hundreds of animals being euthanized daily, why wouldn't life with someone in their FIFTIES be preferable to death??? Margaret, I purchased a puppy at sixty something, and will continue to own a dog until I am unable to care for one...and that is a long way away. The key is selecting a puppy, or older dog, that is less demanding as we age. My King Charles Spaniel is the perfect companion for my husband and me, and I know many older people with daschunds, poodles, and even labs that wouldn't think of being without their furry friends. Find a different shelter, or look elsewhere!
15
@Janie Sounds like you didn't read the article all the way to the end, since they DID let her adopt the puppy. But I do understand your outrage at the cavalier way animal life is regarded, and the daily tragedy of the "disposal" of unwanted companion animals.
At 69, I've just adopted an 8-month old shelter cat that seems to be just this side of feral, so she'll be living (read hiding) in my house for the duration. The good news is, now I feel responsible to live another 18 years, just make sure she's OK till she dies. Hmm...
Like Ms. Renkl, I discovered and appreciate the invisibility of post-menopausal, and post-retirement life. Part of that is the quality time with animals.
6
@Janie
Last sentence redeems the shelter!
1
@Janie...."And when I got home, there was an email waiting for me from the animal rescue organization: It said I am not too old to adopt a puppy at all."
1
If you like being invisible why did you publish this story? and why is there a picture of you on the story?
No one wants to be invisible.
12
She didn’t mean non-existent. Thank you for explaining a woman’s thoughts to her, though.
21
@Rick Because she's a writer. So she writes. And because it's the newspaper's decision to publish the author's photo with their column.
9
@Kim Murphy
Brava Kim! LOL!
2
Tomorrow is my 54th birthday. Your essay is the best gift I could have gotten. Thank you!
Here's to strong, beautiful in our own skin, comfortable with our own thoughts, invisibility.
7
I, and many others I know older than you, have been approved to adopt rescue dogs--that's absurb. Try again with a different agency--there is a forsaken puppy out there that needs your kind attention. Your ability to love yourself makes you supremely qualified to love a lost dog whose only desire is to be found.
4
@Barbara
Read to the end of the essay.
2
I loved the essay. But, if I may, you sound like you face menopause with tremendous financial security--which is great. For single women without any savings, I imagine the feelings are somewhat different.
23
Be visible too.
8
I am 51. I have been going to a psychologist to deal with my invisibility. I was beautiful at one time, turning heads in every room. Now, not at all. My husband I waited to be seated at a restaurant and the hostess literally didn't see us standing right in front of her! This article and the comments section are so wonderful. I am so happy to see all the people feeling the way I do. I am so happy to hear the way they embrace their changing. I'm inspired! Now I'm going to disappear.
17
Your invisibility (and your gift as a writer) are your power. The young don't get it.
2
Menopause for me came in the form of a total hysterectomy at the age of 34 and I thanked every god, doctor, and person I could think of for being freed. Oh how I wish I would have known how great life could be at age 15 as I would have had the procedure done then. I prayed all month long that last month was the last period I would ever have for 19 years.
I do not recall too many hot flashes, I usually got them when I ate something with soy in it, now I do not eat soy. I just love being free of the days where the light through the holes in the shade felt like a thousand knives stabbing me and the pain so bad I could not move. I slept so much better after than I had ever slept.
I am still waiting to blend into the background at 53. I am not sure it will ever happen and I am fine with that. If people don't like what they see, they don't have to look.
It is too bad that menopause and Manopause (yes men go through a change too) cannot be wonderful for everyone.
5
Freedom from not caring what others think is a gift. To think of the year's wasted otherwise--- at any age. To think of the years never truly loving ourselves --- why? My brother killed himself a few months ago--- made me realize how much life gets wasted on things that don't matter. So, who cares if we are visible or invisible? Isn't that invisibility just to strangers anyway? Who are we ever trying to impress? Why do we give our power and self-love away at any age? I wish I learned this younger. I guess I am also lucky as I could not care less if there was a man in my life. Fine if so, fine if not. There's too many other enjoyable things to do with time as well. Love to all the sisters and brothers out there. Peace! (PS I went sailing with a bunch of men and women in their 70s this week. Vibrant, full of life and health and positive attitude. I could not care of they were 17 or 70. Same amazing energy.)
19
I was 46 when I had that last surprise baby and now I”m 56. I was ill equipped to cope with both a young child and menopause - including and especially the lack of sleep. The good news is that so far, no one has asked me if I”m his grandmother! Whether it’s a puppy, or a young child, there is something to be said for taking your mind off aging. I’ve had two friends pass away recently, both around my age and i’m Acutely aware that life can change very quickly. I’m trying to enjoy each phase of life as it comes, not easy. Sometimes i feel invisible but sometimes i feel all to visible as the oldest mother in the room (by far!). And then sometimes I just have fun with it all. THank you for writing about being 56!
9
of course you are not too old to adopt a puppy. heavens! my waistline took a hike too, and I too am invisible, but not to my senior pups.
i'm 69. no one bats an eye when I go to craig's list and adopt a senior dog that no one wants. we all need love. thank you
12
On my favorite HBO series ever, Six Feet Under, the mother in the series, Ruth Fisher, is befriended by a slightly looney woman, Bettina, played by Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates persuades Ruth to shoplift in a jewelry store and Ruth is horrified at the thought. Then Kathy Bates says "oh, come on, there's nothing more invisible than a middle-aged woman".
I have embraced that very liberating line for the last 15 years! While I'm not into shoplifting, I love the fact that no one is looking at me, or what I'm wearing or anything about me. I can just do what I like! SO LIBERATING!
14
@Amy. Funny you should mention Kathy Bates. I think of her in Fried Green Tomatoes whenever someone younger steals my parking space.
“Honey, I might be older. But I got more insurance”, as her raging hormones allow her to smash a teenager’s car.
7
“A person who is not afraid of looking like a fool gets to do a lot more dancing.”
The essence of liberation, literally and figuratively!
28
Yes. OMG, yes. Yes to all of this. Yes again.
3
I went through menopause, naturally, starting at 39. It was effortless. I’m now 60, retired after a 36-year legal career and will be taking the MCAT in the spring.
I spend my days with 22-year-old kids and professors who are younger than I am. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had.
I’m invisible when I want to be, which is most of the time. I need to study, play with my beloved dogs, talk to my grown children, read and garden. I’m a widow and can go days without speaking to anyone apart from those dogs.
Growing older has been so liberating for me. I would kill to have my smart, handsome, loving husband back, but obviously that’s not possible. I don’t date but have been tickled to be asked on occasion.
These things work for me. The author’s life works for her, particularly now that she’ll get her puppy. Many of the comments are sadly defensive, and filled with directives regarding hair color, exercise, and different choices.
One of the pleasures of aging is living without apology.
27
This piece is more about aging and wisdom than it is about menopause. I appreciate the author's point of view and the freedom she feels, but there is more of a correlation, rather than causation, between menopause and this freedom. As someone who recently experienced menopause in her early 30s as a result of having ovaries removed, I don't view it as a gift in the same way, and I don't feel invisible. As we get older, women can, should and do feel more and more content in our lives and decisions. The gift of menopause is not having to buy tampons.
9
Just read this to my wife. I read the first four paragraphs and saved it to read aloud to he for breakfast. She was able to jump ahead of my reading to the next aspect of this article with the uncanny knowledge of someone who lived it. Many bouts of laughter issued from both of us. Hindsight has a way of taking the edge off of what has passed. RAW
6
Very happy for you. Glad you can afford to be invisible. Some women in their 50s still have to work to support to support themselves and/or their families. They are as invisible as you are, but invisibility is not a source of joy, nor a reason for self-congratulation when your line-shift manager or your CEO simply doesn't see you when they are handing out promotions because you are over 50 and you are thus invisible.
40
@Alicia Ogawa Thank you for this - I am reading these comments amazed at how complacent so many women are at being "invisible." I guess that's a personal choice that can be made if you are able to retire to gardening and hobbies in your late 50s. But - we rely on my income and by my late 50s I will be caring for teenagers and aging parents. I cannot afford to be invisible. I need to be noticed for my intellectual abilities, compensated for my intellect and hard work and not accept being put out to pasture because I"m not 30. This is absolutely crazy to me!
12
I'm very sorry to hear you never thought yourself pretty when you were young, because here I am squinting at my monitor at your photo and I find you beautiful TODAY. I hope that doesn't sound creepy coming from a male stranger on the internet.
But perhaps my visual judgement is clouded by your writing, since most beauty comes from inside. I am still ruminating on your essay about the spider ...
7
Attitudes to aging are cultural. In France if your menopause is difficult -hot flashes - you go to your doctor and get HRT for a few years. Many women have no problem with it.
I am 77 and do not feel invisible at all. I'm the same weight as I was at 15 , do not dye my hair and still flirt with men on the bus. True I don't wear bikinis but then I never did-- not practical for swimming .
A sense of humor and an interest in others and in our world count more than a flawless skin !
49
The whole "youth is wasted on the young" becomes extra real as you get older. Please pardon me on behalf of those of us over, gasp, so difficult to actually see in writing...70! It is both humorous and sad to read that women in their 40s already feel invisible. It is a gift for those in their 20s to appreciate what is fleeting, but it is also a gift to appreciate each stage of this journey, not matter what is out there to fertilize.
5
56 too old for a puppy hmmm..... My wife is 48. I have no idea what life has in store for us in the menopause department. I have my fingers crossed.
2
Other than the tumbleweeds blowing through my uterus and my withered parts (to reference Ignatius J Reilly), menopause has been quite liberating.
4
Oh, gosh- not invisible at all! Since my mid-fifties, I am asked directions on a weekly basis. I am perceived as safe, as a mom, as someone who will help. Perhaps even give them a Werther's hard candy before I send them on their way.
22
When she'll have 10 years of insomnia to the point of dreading night time, hot flushes every hour to the point of having to remove all clothing in the toilets at work because it is unbeatable, when she'll have put on weight that just won't shift, she'll truly have experienced menopause. Oh, and it doesn't improve with time either.
4
Girls, you think your emancipated, just imagine all the third world cultures where menstrauting women have to live in some shack outside of the village because they’re considered unclean. These women must feel really emancipated with their final period.
Just reminding us.
22
What Margaret Renki left out was the most wonderful gift of menopause! Great sexual intimacy without pills and birth control inserts. And it doesn't ever cease! Im in my nineties and enjoy orgasisms more than I did when I was pre menopause Sex pleasures do not cease at menopause. I learned many many years ago when my father was disturbed about his diagnosis of prostate cancer. He was 75 and was worried that treating his cancer would interfere with his intimate needs with my mother who was 70. We children were shocked "Our parents were still co habiting Yes they were A very important lesson in intimacy that does not stop at menopause It gets better!
7
I've never turned heads, thus I have always been invisible. I want to feel what it's like to be noticed! To be envied! I want to be beautiful at least once in my life!
17
This article is the work of genius. In 2 days I will be 56. We should have coffee sometime and share some invisibility time.
388
@Sophie Jasson-Holt If you're invisible and she's invisible, how will you see each other?
12
@Sophie Jasson-Holt I love this comment! Seems like a whole bunch of people commenting are about 56. We should all start an "Invisibility Coffee Group"!
1
Here in the U.S. women tend to become invisible long before menopause and I've been saying so for more than fifteen years.
There is something quite liberating about it.
6
I went through medical menopause at 17 due to cancer treatment. While everyone shared mournful platitudes about my fertility, I secretly rejoiced that I would never be trapped into motherhood.
Invisibility came later, of which I am thankful, because really, it’s nice to be left alone.
10
As a woman with premature medical menopause by decades, I expected to unload my anger and resentment in these comments. I have long felt my disease robbed me of years of youth, intimacy with my husband, pain-free joints when dancing like a fool, and nights where I could sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. Instead, I found beauty in your words. While I do not care for being invisible, I can appreciate the beauty of acceptance. Thank you.
583
Too old to adopt a puppy! That is crazy. I will be 50 later this year and I volunteer at a local shelter. We just adopted a lovely cat to a man in his 70s. Both will benefit from companionship and someone to love.
5
I'm not far behind you, but I can ride my bicycle 20 miles on hilly terrain (more slowly than my 20-something son) and still walk 5 miles at a pretty good pace. (I was never a runner). I'm more timid in the ocean than before, so I'm not body surfing anymore. I have definitely run low on oxytocin and have less patience for other people's problems now that my childbearing and rearing years are behind me.
4
I love the blurb: "I've become invisible." me too! And I love being invisible, too. But there are so many other gifts, which include no more periods and all the hassle they entail, no more worrying about birth control, no more worrying about what other people think about how I look or act or what I say. Freedom!! Glorious freedom!
9
Dear Margaret,
Wow. I was blown away by your column. I’ve never had the experience of having someone describe what I’m feeling so perfectly.
Just had my 57th birthday on Saturday. It’s even better than 56! ;-)
Thank you for the gift of understanding.
Hugs, Sue
8
This 76 yr old male who has been married for 55 years (to the same woman) and has daughters who have been mothers for some time, wonders what lessons he might derive from Ms Renkl's reflective personal piece. Having considered a number, I'm forced to the intermediate conclusion that "I've got nuthin."
But I think it at least amusing that perceptive Russell Baker, of happy memory, wrote in these pages - in a way peripheral to the significance(s) of this piece - of something society could do to acknowledge women's role in the perpetuation of the species.
He proposed an income tax benefit, likening it to the Internal Revenue Code's depletion allowance which has been said - inaccurately - to "compensate" those owning the right to "exploit" oil and gas reserves and/or mineral rights, for the ultimate "exhaustion" of those geological resources.
Mr Baker (who also wrote of marching as a young journalist in the parade for the coronation of Queen Elizabeth) proposed that from, a not implausible distance, women could similarly be said to be exploited and exhausted and therefore, despite the indirectness of such efforts on commerce, there are inarguably benefits not unreasonably deserving of society's taking on the tax recognition thereof. Having done tax work for a decade+ imo not too late to move on Mr Baker's suggestion.
Yes, tangential to the many facets of the piece's subject, but I respectfully submit it nevertheless. Also, it's this all man's got.
5
@Jethro Pen
Thanks for remembering Russell Baker!
3
I am 64 and soon to be 65. I was a head turner when I was younger. I enjoyed it and thought of it as my super power. And so very much of my energy went into maintaining that status. And so many bad decisions were made upon it. When I hit 35, I began to realize that I was losing the battle, until one day, indeed I was invisible. I found out in so many sad and funny ways, but there it was. I mourned my lost power for awhile, until I began to realize that I had a new super power. I now had a cloak of invisibility and there are many ways to use that for good. More recently I've noticed that the youngers see me again, now, as the aged, "someone's grandma." It's my newest superpower. LOL.
13
Up until my forties, when complimented on my looks, my typical response was "Of course I look great, I'm 30" (or whatever year). Back then, I knew that age and canons of beauty were intwined and I thankfully squeezed every drop of gorgeousness that comes with it.
Now in my 50's, I'm hoping to receive a compliment so I can pull my pithy, confident response. Perhaps I'll have better luck in my 60's.
4
I enjoyed reading this as it is similar to my own experience. The geriatric pet experience included. Waiting for a new dog til I've done some foreign travel which was very limited. Dancing and everything ese like no one's watching. Enjoyed the comments too. The judgey new york woman who thinks we should all be as skinny as her and who imagines she still is attractive in her bikini. The astounding woman who misses her periods!
4
I will never embrace being invisible although often I am. I have even had moments where a much younger woman - not in a bikini but she might as well have been - gets asked by the boy at the coffee counter for her order ahead of mine. Very well written and thoughtful essay. However I couldn't really relate to it. The sting of rejection when you are perfectly qualified for a job and they act as though you do not exist. A long-term marriage - been there, tried that. Single mother - been there, am that. How much simpler life is when you know who your partner is and where the two of you are going, and you have a second income.
27
Thank you for making me feel more depressed and lifeless than ever.
20
If you don't want to wait for menopause to be invisible, just put on some weight. Then the only notice you'll get is from women who follow you around in stores while casting hateful, judgmental stares in your direction.
28
Wow. I thought I was reading an autobiography, sans puppy. Thank you! (58)
3
We are newly visible after the Trump election - so mind your manners!
2
Great piece!
1
Either get the puppy or get a senior dog!!! Either way a win win!
3
You, dear Margaret Renkl, need to go and spend a summer month in Europe. Yes, you're not too old to adopt a puppy, and you're not too old to wear a bikini or even nothing at all. Go for it!
24
I don't get it! Finding a lot of articles here by females over forty, claiming they are invisible! Yet, I find many females in their late forties, fifty's, sixties, seventies, and beyond quite visible and appealing in many ways! Is there something wrong with this heterosexual man?! Or, then again, if I give them too much attention, I'm the one in trouble! Really ladies, lighten up, and realize menopause is not the disappearing act, obviously, well at least so many of these New York Times articles think it is!!!
40
@Counter Measures - Word! Thank you!
9
Being invisible is our superpower!
640
Exactly!
1
@caos Being invisible makes people foolishly underestimate me. I love it!
6
I'm over the cliff myself, at 52. I'm free to unfeel and yet I remember how the slightest touch of my hand unraveled me. Foolish then and now unashamed.
2
Delighted to read that you are still young enough for a puppy.
2
Get a puppy, you'all or any other dog, just rescue one! Your very lives will be much improved!!!!!
4
I'll be 63 this year. I've gained 30 pounds since my doctor pulled me off HRT (and there are nail marks around those letters. I was kicking and screaming as he did so..."Unopposed estrogen? Just take my uterus out - I don't need it any more!") I was dealt another shattering blow this past month. I - a sailor, a strong, healthy, vital, muscular woman - was told I had osteoporosis. (Does that mean I can't go bowling any more?!) I ranted to my GP last week..."I HATE GETTING OLD." And he, being my age, completely understood.
The odd thing about getting older is that while our physical being loses its sheen and sleekness, our wisdom swells. It is what enables me, despite my railing against time, to accept that maybe the trade-off isn't so bad.
Thank you, Ms. Renkl, for your ability to put into words what I've been feeling. And I hope you've gotten your new puppy. IMHO, one can live without bone density, but life without a dog is not worth living.
9
Invisibility is a sword that cuts me two ways.
I am also 56. For me, the plummeting estrogen levels of menopause have led to the plummeting of my hearing (which had never been great to begin with), so menopause is forcing me to contend with the fact that I will most likely become functionally deaf, not in old age, but with many years still ahead of me. And I will learn to be deaf long after the vital years of youth when new languages were easily acquired.
I have become invisible because I am thick-waisted, quiet, and 56. (I'm okay with that part.) But I am also invisible because I cannot hear you. (Every time someone says "never mind" I become a little more invisible.)
Unlike the elderly, hearing loss at menopause means I am facing decades of isolation at a time of life when learning ASL will be far more difficult. My loved ones are encouraging me to begin. "You really need to start ASL," they say. They don't offer to join me. It doesn't seem to occur to them that I won't have anybody to talk to.
Menopause means I am walking alone into the future, that I will need to make all new human connections or never be fully visible again. But don't cry for me. I can do this, and I will. For starters, I'm gonna get a puppy with really good hearing.
25
I am in perimenopause and still waiting for “enlightenment.” While I look younger than I actually am and am reasonably fit, the gray hairs keep coming and it takes commitment and financial investment to keep my skin from showing the ill effects of aging.
I don’t revel in the idea of becoming invisible. To me, it’s just a reminder that youth, vitality and potential are things that will soon be referred to in the past tense.
8
58 here...... yes, I am the invisible ma'am now. But I finally really see everything. Loved this column. We need a regular column for us over 50 gals.
12
Great article..I also appreciate being "invisible" & laugh when younger people call me ma'am! Haha..little do they know how FREE I am from the "trials & tribulations" of life as a 20-40 yo something!!
3
Not much about menopause in this essay.
Someone I know called menopause "putting men on pause":)
264
KJ - Anything else about menopause we already know. It is usually negative and repeating negatives can be harmful.
3
I cannot imagine why the times picked this as a "Times Pick." The entire thing is about menopause.
3
What a lovely read. Thank you
3
While I certainly appreciate this article on many levels, isn't hiding and inaction privileged at this dire hour? Mother Earth is calling for us to protect her. Women with life experience are needed more than ever to participate and fight for upholding democracy and environmental protections.
24
I love this column! I'm 62 and the worst of the transition symptoms have passed and though I'm surprised that I still have the occasional hot flash, they aren't as bad as they were. I confess to having mixed feelings about being invisible to the opposite sex. I don't miss the unwanted attention that made me uncomfortable, but I don't like to be called "hon" or "dear" in the store, either, like I'm doddering just because of the way I look. It would be nice to feel desired, but those days are gone.
The trade-off is a sense of confidence, no more self-doubt over silly things, doing what makes me happy, and ditching energy-sapping people and situations. I feel excited to pursue things that interest me, fortunate to be able to do so, and anticipate that final step to complete freedom, retirement in a few more years!
5
Too old to adopt a puppy at 56 ? I don't believe it. I know plenty of people older than 56 that have adopted puppies. This must be hyperbole.
2
Thank you, Ms. Renkl! I loved your piece. It was like music to my soul!! However, I must confess, I do not relish the animosity, but I do get that time is more precious now than ever before. There is no time for foolishness. Enjoy your new puppy.
4
I don't get it. As a 53-year-old woman I feel a thousand times MORE visible than ever before. People smile and nod at me. Men tip their hats.
Have I gotten beautiful in late middle age?
Hardly.
But now that I'm no longer afraid that making eye contact will expose me to harassment and assault, I look people in the eye. I smile at them.
And they smile back. Sure, I get the occasional baffled look from the under-30s (male and female): Why's that lady LOOKING at me?
But everyone else, from kids to those older than I, smile back.
I feel seen for the first time in my life!
77
I've always been just pretty enough. I'm 53 and still just pretty enough. I personally know a few women who were so gorgeous that they grew up with advantages they perhaps didn't realize came exclusively vis a vis their beauty. To struggle with the loss of that is sad to see. If you buy into it - our culture will be brutal on you.
15
The profound sense of well-being I felt after landing on the other side of menopause was nothing short of miraculous! I had no idea it was this wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't miss feeling like a piece of meat every time I was out in public. There never has been anything good to me about getting attention from men I didn't want it from or putting up with men's ridiculousness. Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband to share this special time in life with, and it's much more fun than it was 35 years ago when we were dating.
11
Very beautifully written; thank you.
2
Thank goodness——you could adopt a rescue puppy!
(In the same spot re thinking about one, and about the same age)
: )
2
Our bodies betray us at puberty; pretty, nubile young women get a superpower at adolescence. After twenty years, I traded in that superpower for invisibilty. It was disconcerting at first but now I'm OK with it.
2
Wow! I adopted a rescue "older dog" at 68 and she helped me care for my husband through his last illness; then took care of me after his death! Please consider an older dog--the definition keeps getting younger.
15
It's a shame that women would even want to be invisible, in contrast to a lifetime of being too conspicuous. As a woman, I see no positives in this story.
10
56 too old to adopt a rescue dog? What is wrong with that organization?
I love this article and completely agree with many things said here.
3
@Ericka - reread the last sentence of the essay.
5
I thought this article was kind of depressing. For one thing, 56 is NOT old. "Old," to my mind, is more like 97 (my aunt, an inspiration to the entire family but especially so for the women). I just turned 60 and am looking forward to 40 more years! The effects of diet and exercise on the aging and menopausal processes cannot be overstated; eat right and get to the gym regularly, and so much of what this writer bemoans will very likely be reduced or eliminated. During the menopausal process, I've paid close attention to my doctor's advice viz. making sure I get proper amounts of calcium and vitamin D, plus I take collagen faithfully - in addition to keeping my A1C and cholesterol numbers down. If you help your body adapt to the new reality, it will reward you. I say this as someone who eschewed exercise and ate what I wanted until my late 40s, BTW - no lifelong fitness Nazi here. But exercise helps SO much with the symptoms of menopause, and controlled blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar are the right thing to do at any age. So take charge! There's no reason to accept "being invisible."
49
@Sarah - Thank you for stating what I was thinking. I just turned 51 and after reading this, felt like I should basically give up and just check myself into the old folks home. While I do have a few health items needing work (BP and cholesterol), I still workout regularly, have minimal gray hair, few aches and pains, and oh yeah, there's still some semblance of a waist left (which I'm working on improving with better diet and exercise). And I certainly don't feel "invisible." I feel strong and plan to do everything in my control to stay that way.
21
@Maggie Ive been half-gray for years and love it and feel really beautiful and others think so too (not that that should matter.) Just sayin'.... that idea of gray is a society thing, like "invisibility" that could fall away to as a construct. I think the issue is people giving away their power to others. Who cares who we are visible or invisible to (?) is the question to me. Good on you to stay strong and do self-care!
2
Amen to this! I love being invisible on the street too! I love wearing beach shorts and a full rash guard into the ocean. I am absolutely fine with being called "ma'am" in the store by young men my son's age. Yes! Be respectful! (I am respectful back.)
It is a relief not to be subjected to the "male gaze," to be hounded, harassed, and admonished (when I was in my twenties, I was told by male, middle aged strangers to "Smile!" and "Stand up straight!" -- both of which I deeply resented). And I wasn't really beautiful either -- just young, slim, and vulnerable. The time a tall man pinched my breast in the street, then looked right in my eyes and dared me to complain was pivotal.
As for the insomnia, I have found bioidentical hormones to be really useful. The insomnia is terrible. With sleep, all is possible. They also helped my libido. With our son at college, my husband and I have really deepened our relationship and it's nice to feel so close again.
9
My mantra: Life's too short to . . . [fill in the blank]. And the corollary: Let it be.
I thought turning 60 would be like approaching the end times. It's really a new beginning.
6
I also was delighted to move beyond the era of visible male attention....re sleep, low estrogen is a major factor. Try estradiol without progesterone.
2
I'm sorry, you lost all credibility for me when you said 56 was too old to take in a shelter dog.
While yes, menopause has had its trials for me, it has also been very freeing. I had horrible fibroids and periods, and was never able to have children, so once I had a hysterectomy, my life changed for the better. At 52 I can do whatever I want, no more planning around heavy flow days when I could barely leave the house. I can wear white pants for the first time in myadult life. My husband and I are free to doanything and everything. Its wonderful. You sound so depressed. You are what, happy to be invisible so you no longer have to care about anything? Wow.
8
@Kelly You must not have read this article correctly. The author was relaying an anecdote that her local shelter's online system erroneously screened her out of adoption for being 56. At the end of the article, we learn that was an error.
12
@Kelly - If you read a little more closely, you’ll see that the last sentence of the essay said the author was NOT, in fact, too old to adopt a puppy.
3
@ck - She very clearly failed to comprehend this.
This is all easy for you to say because you have a husband.
And why not adopt some of those middle aged dogs no one wants because everyone wants a puppy, i know you don't want senior dogs because you just had two, but you have to live at least 15 years to raise a puppy.
4
@suejax She's 56! Is it a stretch to think she will live until 71?
1
For young women with GYN cancers, menopause feels like the opposite of a gift. Perhaps undergoing it as a 45+ woman is the gift!
4
Well I guess I'm not the only one who feels " invisible ".
Are the younger women noticed because they smell right or look right?
Is it my eyebrows?
They suddenly started dissapearing.
Thank goodness for YouTube and CVS.
My cat has taken to sitting beside my magnifying mirror.
He knows where to find me.
Too many changes to count with menopause.
Its much better to roll with it.
Thankfully I've made it to this age.
Many women don't have the luxury.
6
My dear old high school pal told me a couple years ago to embrace the anonymity of middle age. She said we are invisible and that's an asset-we can do so many things now! Become murderers, spies, thieves, whatever we please and not fear discovery, because NOBODY will suspect those old ladies of doing it. I haven't committed to a life of crime-yet. But I rest easy knowing that if I decide to, I can indeed do it.
Yes I lament my grey hair and fatness and lapses of memory. But I enjoy a lasting love that ebbs and flows and grows stronger when I never believed it was possible to. I have so many happy memories to help blot out the unhappy ones. Old age isn't for sissies, but I'm not afraid of it, nor should you be. It beats the alternative!
459
Exactly! It is so freeing to be invisible! And so much fun. At first I was upset and angry that that was the case. Now I and my older lady friends revel in it.
6
@Jo 'old age isn't for sissies'
you remind me of an old grandmother type who launched a hair care product money-back guaranteed to fix baldness - all you had to do was rub the lotion into your hair for ten minutes a day for 30 days.
Sales went through the roof - her pic looked so trustworthy - grandmas don't lie !
I bought some - first night - spent - ONE minute rubbing the lotion into my scalp before my arm muscles were exhausted - I suddenly realised - her guarantee that if you spent ten minutes a day - was worthless as no-one was going to be able to do that - the raised arm muscles are some of the weakest in the body
so - shady lady - since then I look at gray hairs askance - some dodgy characters there ...
2
I've recently decided that being overweight and grey haired isn't a problem, but a superpower known as invisibility. Frankly there are so many things and people I will no longer spend energy on and I am happy to have them pass me by.
4
This is not necessarily the gift of menopause but the gift of wisdom from aging.
Regardless of the reproductive status of my body, I still feel desire and want. I still want to be go out and be seen. I still want to feel young but as you say I just don't care about every little thing. I have accepted myself - unconditionally.
That is freedom!
4
I loved the description of heading to a lake and watching sunrise and the awakening of animal and bird life! Charming description of beautiful moments when a new day bursts into view and sound.
4
A lovely, poignant piece. You are more aware of the temporal, fragile nature of life, and now, at a certain age, you understand how important the quiet, observant times are. I feel the same way. At 56.
4
Menopause caused an inability to concentrate and made my already poor memory even worse. I wish that was also part of the conversation around menopause, because for a while there I was truly alarmed. I expected hot flashes and mood swings (the movie cliches), but when I started I mentioning my cognitive difficulties, older women friends replied “oh yes it’s jusf like baby brain, it’ll pass.” We need more talk about how changing hormone levels affect the brain.
But last year I was in NYC during the ice bomb blizzard, and I never even felt chilly, so there’s that.
413
@Jenny Marie Regarding the other symptoms such as brain fog, it's true. We all know about mood swings and hot flashes. It's all the other stuff in between that no one ever tells us about, and which totally catches us off guard.
After having to figure all this out on my own, I kindly but firmly chided both my P.C. doc and my gyno. I said 'you knew my age...you knew I was starting to skip periods.... it really would have been helpful if you'd suggested that I go online to read up on the LITANY of potential symptoms I might experience. Had I understood in advance, I would not have been so utterly confused.'
Anxiety attacks? I'd never had one in my life. Didn't really 'get' what they were. Then came the period of time where everyday at dusk, like clockwork, I had an inexplicable feeling of gloom and doom.
Or the brain fog (i.e., 'what the hell have I been doing these past six hours at my desk? I seem to have accomplished absolutely nothing....!').
Or the day I took a late afternoon nap in the dead of Winter, awoke in total darkness, and suddenly felt an Intense Depression? It was meno-related depression due to a sudden drop in my serotonin-levels (already whacko hormone levels + my waking up in the dark). It never even OCCURRED to me that actual depression can be part of a mood swing. Whenever I heard about 'mood swings', it was usually along the lines of crying one minute and being a ')itch' the next.
.
Pre-meno women: arm yourselves with information
8
@Jenny Marie I'm so glad you have mentioned the cognitive effects. That had me worried as well. I'm past it now (mostly) 2 years after my (happily) last period but it was scary.
1
Oh, I love this. I love this for women of all ages. I've listened to women in their 40s and 50s talk often about becoming invisible. I see how it will be a welcome relief in many ways. No more constantly feeling preyed upon; no more eyes conveying what's really on men's minds when they look at you instead of actually listening and hearing what you're saying.
As I read this I was thinking about muslim women who are forced to wear burqas because men in that culture can't control themselves (but why not force the men to wear chastity belts to which only their wives, daughters or mothers have keys?). These women are made to be invisible for the sole purpose of letting their men feel powerful, in control and self-righteous about their domination over another human being... Slavery and subjugation in the 21st century.
But I also don't know any women in the west who have ever felt truly free or safe in the world -- not at work, not in public, not online, and often not at home.
I look forward to the day when Muslim women don't have to be invisible to be valued.... And I look forward to the day when Western women don't have to be invisible to be free.
21
@Reader X
Hear, hear. I've often wondered why more people don't understand this.
1
"And when I got home, there was an email waiting for me from the animal rescue organization: It said I am not too old to adopt a puppy at all."
When my mother was on her death bed, she looked up at her three children, paused for a moment, smiled vaguely, and whispered, "I don't know, maybe I should have had puppies." It was too late for her then, of course, but I'm sure she would have been very happy for you.
6
Loved this article. A lovely and true picture of the journey.
The ending was perfect. Thank you Margaret!
3
With lots of produce each day, baked fish 1-2 night/ week, no fried foods, fruit for dessert and a glass of wine 5-6 dinners a week, I am back to my premenopausal weight. My husband also back to his weight of 20 years ago. He still has cereal Hal of his weekdays. I have protein whey drink most weekdays for breakfast.
We both have more energy than we did when we included potatoes, baked desserts, etc. in our diets. Regular walks with the pooch and hand weights every day for 5 minutes help us. People think we are 5-10 years younger than we are, and our physicians say the same about our physical health with such sensible diets.
What has changed is the types of soaps and moisturizers we need for showers and basin face washing. Seems to need adjustment every 5 years post menopause. Skin stays in good shape with those changes and religious use of sunscreen.
8
@Jean Wow - way to miss the whole point of the story.
4
Thank you for so perfectly capturing the essence of our invisibility! Although it was a struggle for me to understand and accept the invisibility that does seem to come almost inevitably to most women after our 40's, I also have found it to be strangely freeing. After agonizing over so many interactions due to social anxiety and never feeling attractive enough throughout my entire life, I am now starting to feel that maybe I can just be myself. I also have at long last begun to believe that my opinions of other people are just as important as their opinions of me. That may well be worth the trade-off of invisibility.
4
At age 41 I went into surgically induced menopause. Sad because I theoretically would have wanted a second child. In the many years since, my main complaint has been weight gain and inability to lose even with dieting and exercise. Of course I’m not that popular in jdate either.
Life is what it is. We baby boomers can’t control everything. Best idea is to take what you get and make the most of every opportunity. We all have an expiration date.
1
How bittersweet - the wisdom of youth from one who cannot use it, to those who have it but cannot listen.
3
As a man closing in on 60, much of this article resonated with me. Ovulation and night-sweats, no. But everything else did. Thank you Ms. Renkl.
11
Ms. Renkl speaks about menopause as if it's a phase of female life written on stone. What if it isn't? What if women are still going through menopause because medical technology is still primitive? I look forward to the day when menopause is a choice and not a biological command.
3
I could tell the difference in my body as I aged, between my recovery after different children. I cannot imagine recovering from birth and the like in my 60s. Sorry, I think there are real reasons to close that chapter.
8
As an anatomist I can tell you that day isn’t happening. You’re born with your eggs and atresia is built-in.
And there are good reasons.
6
@Raindrop You may be content submitting to nature's commands, but it doesn't mean all women should. If you want to close "that chapter," more power to you. But, other women may find having children later in life is a joy for both themselves and their children.
I think regardless of whether young or old, fertile or not, women get objectified and defined by their external beauty (or perceived lack thereof). Btw, this objectification is not just from the male gaze, though that is very much there. Older (and sometimes peers) women have always opined about whether I am dressing right, having the right look for a job, date, etc. I get it that sometimes such free sexist advice is well-intentioned: my mom/aunt/neighbors don't want me to suffer for how my looks are judged; but it always came off as insecurity that they can no longer look like how THEY would have liked to look.
In my 20s I used to let myself get heckled by older women in particular, on how I *should" look, and changed myself way too much to tow the line. Now in my 40s I have thrown such caution to the winds, dress however I please, and even have cultivated a so-called "older woman" look (highlight my wrinkles and graying hair, don't hide my generous waistline, etc.) I have noticed how I immediately get invisible when I do that and wow, isn't that relaxing at times! Sometimes I have done controlled social experiments by dressing "younger" or "older" to see how I get perceived and what the social trade-offs are. Try it, it is fun when you laugh back at the judging world!
I think in the end, what we think of our own selves regardless of the societal lens is key to happiness, not how old/young we are.
10
@illinoisgirlgeek
It took getting a lot older for me to comprehend that people would tell me what I should do directly in proportion to my willingness to accept it - or care about it. I needed too much reassurance, and was leaning too much on others; when i learned ( still learning) set my own boundaries, people trod more carefully.
4
This is a lovely piece. I'm 56 and male so it was nice to see a woman's perspective on being this age (similar in many ways).
One thing I can't understand: are animal shelters putting an age cap on who can adopt a puppy? That's wrong on so many levels, not the least of which that it's probably illegal. Surely that was a technical glitch the writer experienced?
3
Did you not read to the end? They wrote and said it was a mistake.
8
Wow, I needed this article. It seems we don't spend near enough time expressing the good aspects of getting old. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to.
2
After many years suffering from the misery of menstruation without the need to have another child that would justify that state, menopause came and it was a feast. No migraines, no cramps, no bleeding, no depression.
These have been good years of doing what I want to do without needing to justify it. I so much love being a "respectable lady", not needing to keep my waist trim, not needing to fend unwanted advances.
I love my flabby arms that help me garden and my fat, but strong legs that keep me moving all the time. Even when the knees hurt.
As for puppies, right now I have two mutts that I adopted from a rescue, they the highlights of my days and the source of my unending joy.
I have a husband that I love and who loves me, even if we are no longer the two good looking people we once were. We enjoyed each other then, we enjoy each other now.
I don't know what is the origin of the idea that post menopausal women are an unhappy bunch. I am happy and in the company of many others who are too. Thanks Margaret, for writing this. I see so much of myself here.
11
I am glad to be on the other side of fertility. Pre-menopause was dramatic and, for me, a very difficult hormonal change, but I've come through it a new and improved Cindy. I love menopause. Invisibility is a long deserved benefit in life.
I love my body, all of it, the wrinkles, the gentle curves and the softness. I love my 'new' mind, I don't worry about EVERYTHING all the time anymore.
I feel lucky that I've had a chance to grow older. I love my family, my husband of 44 years, my friends--with a lighter, fuller heart. I love my life, my memories, even the tough moments-- I seem to 'understand' events with more empathy. I don't care as much about who won. I care more about who's happy.
Menopause is the reward. Becoming invisible is a gift to me. I get the attention I want now. I am ready to begin again.
5
Wonderful article. At 49 I experienced sexual highs that I'd never experienced before. Then I had an easy menopause. I found that I could call men and boys "honey" and not get into trouble. No more street harassment. And no more PMS, which was the bane of my existence from age 12 to age 52. But oddly I still get a kind of ghostly period whenever my young daughter comes home, and when I take care of two little girls who are like granddaughters to me. I am in awe of my body, whatever its flaws--this body created and sustained new life. And, yes, the menopausal weight is dropping, now that I've given up wine and have time to exercise every day. Like other women, I am sad about how awful I thought my body was when I was young, when I was beautiful. I've learned a lot about self-love and self-acceptance and by raising a daughter.
15
Lovely piece, but I have to tell you that insomnia DOES bother those of us with 9:00 to 5:00 jobs who have no option but to try to muddle through a workday when we haven’t slept the night before.
14
I’ve been calling invisibility my superpower. I love it. I was street harassed every day, multiple times a day for 15 plus years. Now I walk in peace.
At first becoming invisible was an adjustment. In my early 40’s I would see a mid-40’s man look my way and I would think, “OK, bald, overweight, flip-flops, whatever”. I soon realized he wasn’t looking at me, he was looking at the 20 year old behind me.
Menopause also means a coming to acceptance. There is the bittersweetness of reflecting back and smiling on the memories of lost loves and lost opportunities that will never come around this way again. Of what might have been. Now I make a cup of coffee, sit, watch the sunrise, and reflect on how glorious my life is.
9
Big problem here: We shouldn't have to become invisible in society because we become infertile, and celebrating this invisibility, while it does come with some perks, makes me queasy. In society, and culturally speaking, menopausal, perimenopausal, and of course elderly women are consistently ignored and shunted to the side, as if there is no longer any point to us, and we experience this daily and deeply, come to integrate it as some kind of inescapable and inevitable truth, and then write articles about how wonderful it is in order to make it all okay. It's not okay.
30
@genericmiddleagedwoman
Thank you for telling the truth instead of this idea of making it okay how this society devalues older women.
2
Oh to be 56 again! I started a second masters degree at 59 finished four years later and started a second part-time career teaching.
I’m 73. Still teaching one class in my specialty at a local college.
I can’t sleep either. And I too am glad not to be free of inhibitions. I can do and say and wear what I want.
But I do not feel invisible. I love parties and get togethers with younger people. Just this Saturday I was at a dinner party with a dozen people, mostly younger by a few decades. Everyone wanted to talk to me! Why? Because I am genuinely interested in listening to them. I want to hear all about whatever it is they are involved in. And don’t worry. I get my chance to talk and be listened to.
I like being the oldest person in the room.
41
Yes, there are benefits to aging. But, all in all, I’d rather be 35 than 60 right now.
6
I recall being in my teens or 20s, and feeling self-conscious about the way I looked, always trying to diet to lose more weight, spending way too much time and money on my clothes or hair -- and trying to figure out men. By my late 20s, I was already starting to encounter dreadful comments from men who were 20 years older than me -- that I was too old, that they wanted someone younger whom they could date for two years, then be engaged and married for a few years after that before trying to start a family. I did not have enough fertility for them, and I was 28. Now, at 49, I am newly in menopause, and although I have noticed a few issues, I certainly don't miss that nonsense from men!
9
The phases of women’s life cycle is such an undiscussed topic. In my 20s, I wish older women had told me what are the things to do and enjoy (or ignore) now because it fades away faster than you know. It’s not just about beauty, it’s about relationships, in love, friendships, professionally. The outlook on life. What seems tough now but will get better. In my late 30s, when I had children, I realized I knew nothing about dealing with pregnancy and newborns until I was deep into it. Advice came from experienced friends only when I was in it, why did I never hear about all that before? Today, I want to hear more about menopause, aging, retiring, empty nesting, taking care of my aging parents. I’m 42 now and seek opportunities to talk with older women and build long lasting friendships when possible. We keep hearing about the power of mentoring in professional development. How about mentoring on life phases? Thank you to all those like you who publish on those topics.
11
This piece made me cringe. I've had no menopausal symptoms, no gray hair or baldness, sleep fine, still wear a bikini, and can still turn heads. I am grateful because I do not want to be invisible. Ever. This is not every woman's present or future. Go to the gym and strength train, lower your carb intake. You will sleep better, look better and be able to lift things.
11
Ah, I wasn’t aware that lifting weights and eating fewer carbs changes one’s hair color. Some of us have been going gray since our 20s or younger, and not necessarily by choice.
10
@Raindrop Haha. I guess I hit the genetic lottery in that respect. But I have a very good friend who has had white hair since her 20s and is gorgeous, so it has nothing to do with looks. Gray hair is just a symbol of aging to most people. So dye it if you don't like it.
A beautifully written, thoughtful piece. But I can't help wondering and feeling a little angry about a society that makes women invisible in the workplace and social settings just because they are at menopausal age or older. Some of us aren't ready to be invisible, and still want to wear a bikini as long as we feel good in it. I think the point is, middle aged and older women should have a choice if we want to be invisible or not - and not be dictated to by society about our worth simply based on age.
12
Sorry ladies, this old widower is still looking. I just appreciate a senior lady walking with a sway. So as you go about your daily business out of your home, I and many other males appreciate your presence. You are not invisible.
153
A very fortunate lady you are indeed.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories and thoughts.
And, most of all, Congratulations on your new arrival!
3
Wonderful article, wonderful comments, and I want to add a different perspective. I became visible once I let my white hair grown in the last couple of years. Young men, even teenagers (and older guys too) try to catch my eye, sneak in a "hi", even gaze a bit too long. I had been invisible for the couple of decades I tried to cover my greying hair, then suddenly I get attention. I get complements from complete strangers like on elevators about my hair. There are a few other contributing factors, including having kept my weight down and going to the gym. Also I work quite a bit in Asia and when one's hair turns, suddenly one gets respect. Being taken seriously on the other side of the world does help one's self-confidence even on this side of the world. At age 66, I like being visible after many years being invisible, and I also like that odds are I will not have to fend off advances from the admirers. Another plus.
19
Margaret: I've been a member of this women's club for more years than I care to say. Your words resonate. And I am presently shepherding my own sweet cat Samson through his old age. Puppies are indeed almost magical little creatures. But consider that a grown up dog can show it the ropes about how to live in a household. The shelters are full of loving adult pets with so much love still to give. They often are passed over, invisible, for the adorable puppies. The shelter can help you make a good match. Just a thought.
13
I've never seen a green heron stand in the water or on the shore, but I enjoyed the read anyway.
1
@mary lou spencer
Oh, it there are plenty of blue and grey herons in and around Ann Arbor.
I live 40 mi it’s straight south. And we are so lucky to be 20 minutes from the marshes and shorelines off Lake Erie that are part of the largest seasonal flyways of migrating birds traveling even from Central America to the north, and back before winter.
I don't agree with this opinion. Women after menopause are beautiful and are not invisible. Women need to be confident of their beauty after menopause. As a woman, I firmly believe that men observe beauty in women at all ages, and vice versa.
13
This is one of those great essays that inspires lots of deep, meaningful readers' replies. Thanks especially to all the women of a certain age who have shared their thoughts and experiences here.
As a man, of course, I have no direct experience of menopause. Yet I can relate to more of this essay than one might think. At 61, while I stay in pretty good shape, I know what an aging body feels like. I am familiar with changed sleep patterns, and know the satisfaction of being wiser and more comfortable with myself. Also, my sense of humor has gotten better, more nuanced.
My main point, however, is that in this youth-obsessed culture, make no mistake, men also become invisible. Yet this too can be easily understood and taken in stride. Why would anyone my age expect young women (or men) to look at me the same way they did when I was in my 20's? As Springsteen sang, "Glory Days, they'll pass you by, glory days, and the wink of a young girl's eye …"
In any case, as many readers have noted, invisibility can be a relief (and even a source of amusement).
In general, every day above ground is a good day.
12
The shift from "needing to know" to "trusting wisdom" is such a gift. And reads too little about. Something "older women" told me when I was much younger than I am today, is, that life after menopause can be oh so good. I am here to tell you it is. I'm no longer sleepless, nor do hot flashes bother me--and no I am not on any meds. There is a blooming, an opening, a savoring of life that comes only with age and experience. I'd not go back to my younger life for anything. And yes, there's tremendous freedom in being invisible. There's a reason why the crone phase is celebrated and welcomed.
3
Brilliant piece. Lovely, lovely and paired exceptionally well with predawn coffee, alone but for my faithful dog, while the rest of my house slept the hours away.
Thank you for this writing.
5
I hardly felt menopause. I was busy taking three yoga classes and three spinning classes per week. But I had gone through the suddenly invisible experience years before, when I decided to go my premature white. After 18 months of sudden invisibility I ran back to my colorist.
Through the years, my body is doing inexplicable things. The weird sleep patterns; the insomnia that forces me to wait for the also inevitable narcolepsy. The age spots. The increasing facial asymmetry. The aches. Why is nature doing this?
I kept aging at bay with exercise — in my head, anyway. I now want calm. I want to read Barbara Ehrenreich’s latest book which essentially says “we all know how this is going to end.” I want off the FOMO wheel, and I’m gradually seeing it recede in the fistance.
Moving to a small village has been a most intelligent choice.
12
@joymars yes, yes, yes
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you.
3
I am 66 and totally invisible which, paradoxically, allows me to be visible, BUT ONLY WHEN I CHOOSE TO BE. An Elder Woman can be very subversive. What a joy! I still teach at a local college and have my own small psychotherapy practice. When I teach I am vocal about my age and encourage ALL my students to embrace their futures and all that those futures will bring. I hope I show the young people--especially the young women-- in my classes that being 66 is a cause for celebration and liberation and growth. Invisibility is a gift. "I am woman, hear me roar"--when you least expect it.
14
Never one to be comfortable with my appearance, I am thrilling to invisibility at age 70. When I retired a month ago from my post-retirement part-time job, I told my daughter I just wanted to read books and not have people looking at me. Mission accomplished, and quite happy about it. Many people don't understand that, but many of us do.....
17
Thank you, Margaret Renkl! I thought I would be sad once I became invisible, but I didn't! Rather, I feel a new freedom (and not just from no longer feeling compelled to hold in my stomach). When I go to the beach, I can just enjoy being at the beach--my favorite place on earth--and not worry about how my appearance compares to that of other women. Now that I am on the other side of it all, I finally realize how oppressive female beauty standards are on young women. I wish I could have had this freedom then, but better late than never!
14
I'm confused by this piece. Fifty-six is quite young. Don't give up and fade away, please. The world needs your voice and OF COURSE rescue groups will welcome your love.
23
Can only relate to speaking out and sleeplessness. Take valerian root and time release melatonin to sleep. Do a treadmill,weightlifting, meditate, teach, and concentrate on healthy eating. Older than you and don’t feel invisible. In the best shape ever.
9
Wait till you’re 70. Things change. It becomes more private, which is a good thing.
Can one learn to respect the aging process? Can one look in the mirror each morning and know that this is exactly where we're meant to be?
I miss my brown hair, good eyesight, functional knees and all the rest, but shall I come this far only to dismiss the evidence of a life that has been lived?
Dear God, it has been an uphill climb to this point. Might as well enjoy the view.
21
I believe that if we are lucky enough to be physically healthy, that our attitude about age is in our control. Last year I toured Iceland with a group of alumni from my college. I'm 44; the oldest among us was a woman in her 90s who went with her granddaughter. She was the most spry among us - hiking up hills and rocky roads with no problems, staying up past midnight to see the aurora...and she laughed the whole time. If my body holds up and I'm still alive, I want to be like her.
56
I'm 10 years in menopause and have gone through many phases of it. Taking no hormones, hot flashes are manageable. Weight gain, yes. Invisibility, partial and very welcome. The sensation of one's body no longer belonging to men on the street (and others) is great. I talked about menopause constantly while it was happening, out of a sense that men should KNOW what it is, not to mention younger women, and often felt their discomfort but didn't care.
1
I don’t know whether being able to say no comes with menopause (the urgency began earlier), but I feel truly liberated by finally saying yes to myself for the first time in decades. Ending a on-off relationship even if this meant being alone in my middle age; no longer waiting to buy my own home in case I were to move in with Mr Right. Trying to losing weight for my own well-being and the practical reason of not having to replace all those clothes, but at ease with the thought that if my body said it couldn’t and needs those pounds, well I will just get a new wardrobe. I now see movies and attend concerts and plays by myself, no longer worried about being alone.
4
I “went through menopause” at age 29 following a total hysterectomy. Already had two kids and was incredibly glad to be rid of the plumbing that had been the cause of so much pain and discomfort. I took estrogen for a few years and gradually weaned myself off it over a couple more, and then never looked back. I get the occasional brief hot flash but they are rare and minor, and I look at friends my age and younger struggling with menopause and count my lucky stars.
1
I'm 54 ,still in the throw of hot flashes, but happier in my life than I've ever been. I would never go back to my 20s, when I was punishing myself for my imperfections, or to my 40s when I was exhausted raising a small child. My 30s, though, those were great years. I might do those again.
7
I missed my periods when they stopped. The cycles always provided a regularity to life, and to time. It was a monthly reminder that a fresh start was always possible in life. I used to joke about how I would start my diet after my NEXT period. Now when will I start it? Where is the dividing line?
5
Best article I’ve read about growing older gracefully and being happy in your own skin.
So many positives amongst the negatives. The article is beautiful in it’s perspectives which we gain
with age and life experience. Thank you for a beautiful well written article,
10
I agree, there's a definite feeling of liberation after having finished menopause. Instead of viewing age as a decline, let's embrace our decrease in female hormones! Older women are wiser, more confident, more carefree, stable, assertive and secure. We have more time to be creative, to appreciate nature and art, to breathe deeply. We love to help others in meaningful ways, and we don't do things we don't feel like doing or keep the company of those we don't feel like hanging out with. If you embrace post menopause just as you embraced pregnancy, you might find that there's a familiar person emerging from within you-- the young girl you used to be.
9
I went to a class on goddess traditions in college. I was the youngest of about 20 women from 19 to 70ish.
We discussed the different stages in women's lives, including the "crone" stage.
That class, and the creative women in that class, made me look forward to my own cronehood. I have never been upset about getting older because of that experience.
This article, and especially the comments, describe so much of the pleasantness of cronehood. The freedom from the swings of hormones, liking yourself, not being obsessed with looks and men (although I still like the men a lot).
I am so glad to see this info in the public consciousness. I am in my late 40's and cronehood is everything I thought it would be. I feel peaceful and creative and individual. I feel settled and strong. I had terrible, terrible periods with bad mood swings and they are gone. I can make plans during any time of the month. I feel more beautiful than I ever have, even though objectively it isn't "true".
I look back at the pictures of me when I was younger and I wish I could give her a part of the peace I feel now.
7
At 61, I work with many young woman, and watch them cringe when they reach 30. Their eyes roll, and they sniffle and laugh as they blow out the candles on their office cake. If only they knew, the best truly is still far ahead of them.
10
@wynterstail
Speak for yourself. Right now I have issues with my feet, knees and need a hearing aid. My husband is ill. So I work during the day and come home take care of him. I long for the early years of our life when we were healthy. For me and my husband it is not the best.
4
Menopause is freedom. Yes the thermostat gets a bit wacky sometimes, but one adapts, just like we deal with global warming.
As for being invisible, suggest the author move to a walkable inner-city neighborhood where the panhandlers never fail to notice you, and boys young enough to be your grandson assume that it’s manly to sexually proposition you. They are then given the education they apparently didn’t get at home.
12
56 sounds very young to me. Much too young to be calling yourself old. There are drugs that will help you feel more alive. A small amount makes a world of difference. I’m 67 and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and wake up 8 hours later. Of course, I workout with a trainer, at the gym, and walking. Menopause years can be the best!
11
@SG
I mean estrogen- thought I should clarify the drug- haha.
Sorry but this commentary is a sad reflection of a culture that doesn't really value health, which is also probably the basic reason for lack of universal health care in this country.
10
wonderful
1
Menopause meant I got to ditch the 2nd string underwear & only wear the first string ones ( and boy are they fabulous looking). I've been without a sexual partner for 12 years but I do not forego orgasms. I've got several high-end vibrators that take care of my sexual needs whenever I want.
I've got my garden & weekly visits to the library so I am a satisfied woman, happy to be invisible so I can do what pleases me.
14
I take estrogen and sleep well.
2
I think The NY Times needs a regular column dealing with menopause issues
13
@E. Why limit to menopause? We need a “aging” happily and well article every few weeks!
2
Gain any weight, Margaret?
1
I turn 57 on Thursday and also enjoy invisibility, especially when I travel internationally for work. I travel often and now find that I can go anywhere (within reason) that I want without being bothered. I do miss my waist, however, and I am working on that.
3
I am 37 and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis 5 years ago. I have not hit menopause yet, and will not for perhaps 12 more years. The stress of the disease has not made me invisible, but I have started picking up on lessons from my female friends over 50, who have really bloomed after menopause, and implementing them in my life.
As a preference, I wanted to keep my hair short but kept it long to be more feminine and attractive to men. As someone who suffers with a lot of morning pain, short hair was the answer to a painful beauty regimine, but I just couldn't do it.
A few years ago, I stopped dying my hair, because a good deal of it fell out the last time I had it dyed. Apparently, sometimes the dye chemicals don't mix well with my medication and causes hair to burn off. When the dye grew out, I found out quickly that people at work treated me with more reverence and respect. It didn't ignite any physical attraction, and some men looked past me, but I realized that I didn't care.
This need to be seen as attractive and the results it led to, were not true accomplishments and I was now (thankfully) being rewarded based on my actual intellectual merits.
I finally took the leap to cut all of my hair short recently, and have been loving moving further down the road of invisibility. It has helped me be more confident. I wish I would have known all of this earlier in life, but happy I am learning it in my late 30's.
Thank you for this wonderful article.
10
Regarding menopause, I think some people in the comments may actually be referring to "perimenopause", the period of time leading up to menopause when most of the classic uncomfortable symptoms are at their worst. My perimenopause lasted for 10 years and was living hell. Hot flashes constantly, low energy, anxiety, depression, weight gain, sleeplessness. So glad my "perimenopause" is finally over!
Menopause, on the other had, has brought many of the positive experiences you describe, including not caring so much about what others think of me and saying more "No's" to experiences I don't want, as well as more "Yes's" to ones I'm interested in.
As far as being "invisible" goes, that doesn't appeal to me. I've gotten braver in menopause about wearing bright colors, cool eyeglasses, funky shoes. I'm less afraid to stand out.
P.S. I'm so excited for the puppy who will live with you! What love that puppy will be surrounded by!
11
I will be officially "menopausal" in 3 months. I can't wait!!! I won't miss the monthly hormonal roller coaster, bleeding, dealing with carrying/hiding/finding tampons.
What I do miss, however, is a sex drive. Still working on figuring that one out!
3
Must be nice.
"wondering if my beleaguered country can survive the cataclysm that has befallen it,"
What does this have to do with a great opinion piece on menopause? What has befallen our great country? Is the world suddenly ending and no one knows about it? If yes, being invisible won't help.
1
The writer's sleepless nights involve solving the problems of the world.
1
It might be part of why she can’t sleep.
1
Interesting that the author enjoyed ovulating. I'm 44 and I can't stand it. The sharp pains in my side, the mood swings, the intense, uncontrollable cravings for fatty food...and then two weeks after, more of the same with PMS. I have tried to make the swings go away with birth control pills but they only made it worse. So I look forward to menopause quite a bit.
5
I always said, menstruation lasted 3 wks. The week before of bloating, discomfort....the messy week of...the week after of bloating, discomfort. One glorious week a month! Glad that’s over!
3
@agrthv
I never had that problem with my period but I do know some friends of mine had that problem.
Menopause, that glorious stage of life when women turn inward for their wisdom. A woman at home with herself. How grand!
7
All the beauty you have and see is not what many older women face. The poverty out there is astounding. The invisibility is good I agree, but single income older women are losing their jobs, housing and husbands, some walking the streets homeless. I talked with an obviously insane 72 year old women that had been homeless for over a year.
I struggle with my desire to just take care of myself or to fully engage in fighting this terrible worldview of hatred, violence, the evil sexism and racism, the predatory capitalism and the greedy who are consuming our world. What is our role as elders to protect our world?
29
So little of this is true for a woman living alone. Every day is a misery around here. I have no intimate companionship and never will again. I want to kill myself about once a week. (And yes, this is with a therapist and a psychiatrist and ample medication). Pets are not allowed where I live. I can't get a job (age discrimination) despite my years of experience. No social life to speak of. Post-menopausal life may be lots of fun for some, but not in this apartment (that is rented, not owned by me).
8
I am truly sorry for your situation but actually all of it can be true for a woman on her own. I’m 65, have by choice lived alone for 30 glorious years, I am happy and would not change a thing.
14
@Jenn
Please join a reading group ( maybe at your branch library),and think about doing some volunteer work at a school, a pediatric unit, or s museum. It will keep you stimulated and in contact with people, and do wonders for your morale. Also, there are plenty of free lectures even in small towns, let alone in a major city.
There is no need to be without human contact.
7
@Jenn I know that it is hard for older women to get a job. But no one turns down a volunteer - have you considered volunteering? It's apparently been scientifically proven to also improve one's mental state, and you seem to need that if you feel like ending your life. And you'll meet nice people. I consult for various nonprofit organizations and I swear all of them would welcome you with open arms, as they need all the help they can get. Please think about it.
5
I am relieved to hear that 56 is not too old to adopt a puppy.
9
Now it is twenty years since my menopause and I still smile to myself when I pass the tampon shelf in the chemist, so happy that I don't have to bleed every month any more.
8
This article, and the comments I have read (I had to stop) is just depressing. It sounds like a whole lot of giving up on yourself and settling for being tired and frumpy. Ladies, Helen Mirren has a waistline. So does Cher. If you want your waistline and energy back, hit the gym. That's what I do.
I do not understand all this nostalgia for one's fecundity. Or what it has to do with one's sex life. I have plenty of very satisfying sex with men who do not seem to mind that I am not 15 years younger than they are.
Dylan Thomas suggested that we should "not go gently into that good night." I am taking his advice. And loving it.
80
@Nadia - Cher is completely surgically altered.
6
As a menopausal woman, I always have to chuckle when I read these scare pieces, lol. A thick waistline, thinning hair and loose skin are more a function of lack of exercise, poor diet, dehydration and stress than chronological age or hormones. We now know that only 20% of what we think of as "aging" is due to chronological age. The other 80% is our habits. The only different between over 50 and under 50 is that, over 50, the consequences of your habits are more visible. The problem is, people with bad habits normalize the idea that aging--particularly for women--is hell. It's not. Invisible? Speak for yourself. I've never been more in demand. Only now it's for my health, beauty AND wisdom that's only gained by the experience of decades.
39
I’m 71. Not long ago, I got a stress fracture in my foot and had to wear one of thise ugly boots that imobilizes the foot. I was going through the revolving door at the drugstore and a man got in my compartment, grabbed my butt and squeezed it. I definitely didn’t feel invisible. The curses I unloaded on this fellow, once we got inside, stopped everyone in Walgreens in their tracks. THAT was as a result of my age. I felt absolutely uninhibited to give him a piece of my mind. Had that happened in my younger days, I might have felt shame and skittered away.
35
Rapidly approaching 63 . . . and wondering if I can make it through the next two years of full time work!
I don't miss having my period ... at all - but I've noticed significant changes in my body and there isn't much that can be done (crepey skin, what waistline?) I'm shrinking too. Osteoporosis came early in my life (mid-40's) and now I'm facing the decision on whether or not to take the dreaded pharmaceuticals. Am especially diligent about exercise (thank God for reformer pilates!). But I'm especially grateful for the wisdom that comes from living on Planet Earth for 6 decades.
5
It happened this week. I was minding my own business when out of the blue, with no warning…I turned 58. (Yes, I’m one of those women who tell their age. I say to hell with it.)
If you asked in my teens or twenties, what this time would be like I would’ve conjured up those old women in “Zorba the Greek,” all bent, dressed in black, and shaking their fist at the sky.
Instead something odd happened.
http://lauriestonewrites.com/2014/09/26/the-three-most-surprising-things...
4
Yeesh. Beauty need not end at menopause, despite what society keeps trying to tell us. I'm in my mid-50s too.
After I read this piece, I felt lousy, the opposite of what this fine writer intended. But then I went for a run (ok, more like a jog), and on the way back, I bought a new lipstick. It's bolder and brighter than my usual shade, and even prettier when I smile.
34
Wise, funny, heartfelt, and beautifully expressed.
5
I'm 58. I can be deliberately invisible when I choose. Heels , makeup, fluffy hair , and I'm very visible. For me the worst part of this age has been the ongoing , daily, and mostly depressing work of caring for an elderly parent with dementia.The small victories, and there are some, become so quickly overshadowed by the crushing tedium of the reality that things are never going to get any better, while one's life force is so easily sucked away.
15
I think we are more invisible than we think we are through life, but women, in particular, spend far too much time worrying about others’ opinions and perceptions.
I have two daughters, early teenagers, at the age where kids are so painfully self-conscious, believing that the whole world is looking at them and more crucially, judging them and judging them harshly and cruelly — because, let’s face it, their middle school peers are. Be cruel first lest someone be cruel to you seems to be the early adolescent credo.
I’ve explained to them that like zebras, whose physical resemblance to one another helps keep them from being eaten by lions, their peers’ need to dress and behave alike is protective: the multi-colored zebra is easier to pick out of the crowd and be mauled. But deep down neither of my kids is a regular zebra; they are brightly colored zebras (like the ones on the package of Fruit Stripe gum) trying to fit into a black and white world. It doesn’t go well most days.
I tell them that if I could give them one gift it would be not to give a damn what other people think of them. That the opinion of the narrow minded rabble shouldn’t get them down. I didn’t reach that point in its fullest until my 40s — it is freeing. I don’t know if they can get there except through time and experience, but I will keep telling them nonetheless because I don’t want them to waste time and emotional capital that I did on the opinions of strangers.
10
Invisibility is my new super-power! I can go places and do things without being harassed, wear what I damn well feel like wearing, speak up and speak out without being dismissed as too young or too pretty or too inexperienced. And you know what, I can still make myself very visible whenever I feel like it. The trick is not pretending to be younger, the trick is simply being your authentic self!
18
I'll be 60 in December and had my last period just 3-1/2 years ago, so my hormones are STILL settling. Oh how I miss a good night's sleep most of all, the years of falling asleep quickly and waking up (what seemed like) in the same position, refreshed and ready to take on the world -- without once having to get up to pee.
My sister recently sent me an old photo of us teenagers, one I'd never seen, and it personifies the author's comments about beauty and youth. We looked lovely back then, faces and figures -- impossible to imagine that we ever thought we were fat (fat being defined as 5 pounds overweight). Most of all, it's wonderful to see photos of us and other kids without any damn cell phones in our hands..........
6
I'm only glad to be invisible because I abhor the way I look these days. If I can get past that, I guess invisibility will have to take a back seat, because I won't give a **** about what people think and will do some of the things I was too uptight to do when I could wear that bikini!
I'm so glad you said at the end you weren't too old to adopt a puppy, because I was about to go nuclear on the shelter...my mom adopted a 6 month old kitten when she was 86!! He will now keep me company into actual old age. ;-)
2
Pretty sure that was a software glitch...
Great article and also loved the comments made!
3
Same age here and I've adjusted to the physical changes, and accomplished more in my career than all the eras prior. I was worried ageism would prevent me from launching my ideas, but someone saw my value and gave me a new chance. I'm my best self ever; minus the thicker waistline and dwindling libido. And I'm a newlywed!
5
Let's not romanticize chronic insomnia and hot flashes. Menopause is a serious medical condition that needs to be prepared for and properly treated. As soon as women hit 40, their doctors need to start discussing perimenopausal symptoms and possible treatments -- HRT only works within a certain window of time, and it's not for everyone. The sustained blows of perimenopause and menopause can cause heart disease, osteoporosis, and other serious health issues for women. Please, let's not wax elegiac about how great it is to be invisible, when what we need to be advocating for is busting the shame, stigma, and silence around menopause as a serious women's health issue.
12
I would venture to guess its not the menopause that brings the happiness, but the years of wisdom that accompany it.
4
I cannot relate. I've stayed in great shape and continue to be very active into my 50s and feel not that much has changed. Much of the anxiety, low-confidence, and pressure to yield to obligations in youth have disappeared and this is good. This is a benefit of life experience, but not menopause. I don't feel invisible, don't want to be invisible, and enjoy being considered physically/sexually appealing. Yes, our bodies age, but so do those of our male partners! And yes, men are often looking for women who are younger, but so what? Not fair, but makes sense in terms of our evolution. As long as our long-term partners continue to love us for who we are, what difference does it make? It's not like I don't enjoy looking at a youthful and muscular male body.
28
I'm 60 in the midst of menopause and all I can say is "HUH?" not sure it was worth my time to read this.
11
Wait till you’re in your 70s!
4
This entire piece is relatable, especially the insomnia (1:28am as I read the Times and flip the sheets on, then off, then on, then off).
5
Felt every word of this. Here's what I'm hoping: “Women trained to concentrate all their thoughts on the family circle are apt to think — when their children are grown up, their loved ones gone, . . . — that their work in life is done, that no one needs now their thought and care, quite forgetting that the hey-day of woman's life is on the shady side of fifty, when the vital forces heretofore expended in other ways are garnered in the brain, when their thoughts and sentiments flow out in broader channels, when philanthropy takes the place of family selfishness, and when from the depths of poverty and suffering the wail of humanity grows as pathetic to their ears as once was the cry of their own children. Or, perhaps, the pressing cares of family life ended, the woman may awake to some slumbering genius in herself for art, science, or literature, with which to gild the sunset of her days.” -Elizabeth Cady Stanton (MRS. Eugene!)
6
I wasn't raised in a household around "period" culture. My mother almost never mentioned it. I had four older sisters. We didn't sit around discussing who had their period, who didn't, who had cramps. I wasn't raised with the idea of PMS. I didn't have "mood swings." I was not allowed the excuse of being "hormonal," so I wasn't "hormonal."
I didn't want kids (four out of the five of us didn't have them). I had normal sexual relationships, and used birth control effectively. I didn't get married because the traditions it presented didn't appeal to me. I didn't want to be subordinate to anyone, and I believe that started with my feeling of not being subordinate, indebted to, or defined by my bodily functions.
Menopause for me brought a three year relationship with a man 11 years younger, bigger breasts and a feeling of complete wellbeing. My skin got better. I found myself.
I get a little tired of women talking so much about how their physiology defines them, that age is something to "cope with."
I was raised in a non-traditional religious household, and always knew I was made in the image and likeness of God, and that gave me an abiding sense of comfort.
When I walk down the street, I feel very confident. I like who I see in the morning (nearly all the time).
I wish all women (and men) could feel that that's like.
721
@AmesNYCI enjoyed your story MUCH better than the one the NYTimes published! Thank you for sharing...
8
@AmesNYC
Amen. You’re my kind of girl. I am a young 75,even my Dr. told me so!
1
@AmesNYC - you are lucky, then, never to have had to deal with the unpleasant effects of hormones. It is completely insulting for you to put them in quotation marks along with mood swings. I too was raised in a household where no one discussed menstrual cycles and their attendant emotional ups and downs, which are very real for many of us. I would have been much better off if my mother or sister explained that PMS might occur, rather than wondering why, for days every month I was depressed, a little paranoid, and generally just not right. Rational explanations of these things are certainly not an "excuse for being hormonal. As for women who "sit around discussing who has their period," many women, myself included, do enjoy being able to talk with friends about what we experience. If you get tired of women talking about their physiology, don't talk to those women, and don't read articles with female physiological terms in the titles. But if you do, you don't need to insult the rest of us. And yes, I'm also married (although my husband would be the first one to laugh at the idea of my being subordinate to anyone), and have children, although that does not make me indebted to or defined by bodily functions. Very surprised this comment is a Times Pick.
22
The writing in this essay was superior. I would hope Ms. Renkle would also write about turning 60, then 70. I am well past the time of her introspection. Menopause is just another memory. But her perspective reached me nonetheless. Thank you Margaret.
6
You are most fortunate. Many women suffer horribly under menopause, and those symptoms often include turning sex into torture, so they tend to get cut off from closeness with their partners. It would be nice if medical science saw fit to deal with aging a bit more thoroughly for both sexes, but for women especially.
10
56...
good grief,
you are a “baby”.
Enjoy your life
and your new pup.
Rescue another,
dance and be
young at heart.
18
How to survive menopause (or at least make it bearable): First, dress in layers. A short-sleeve top under an easy-to-remove cardigan works well. (Even in the dead of winter, your first layer should be a short-sleeve or sleeveless top.) Second, have ice water within arm's reach. Whenever you leave the house, take an insulated thermos filled with ice, water, and maybe a slice of lemon.
2
Invisible at 56? The media still amply displays George Clooney's handsome face, no less a heart-throb at 57. Why the double standard? At best, this article is a subtle commentary on gender bias in our culture. At worst, the author is unwittingly perpetuating a stereotype. And, puhleez, do stop bemoaning your age! At 68 I do (and should) still care about what I wear to the party...but oh, to be 56 again!
31
Excellent read.
2
Not so great if you are trying to find employment.
43
Well, I don’t like being invisible and my insomnia is wrecking my brain. The author and commentators ( thus far) seem happy and feel blessed. I hope some other cranky people write in. By the way, it’s “only” 1:00 a.m.
10
Thank you.
I have just about reached this reconciliation at 60++, the essay helps solidify it. Embrace the inner crone!
2
Yes. Bravo. But the sad thing in this article is that the writer, and many respondents, have bought into the idea that older women are unattractive, not sexy, not interested in love affairs...it's an American idea, perpetuated by the patriarchy (it's a long time since I've typed that word) and not true. I have four daughters, so it's clear to me I'm not twenty-five! That's not it. But relinquishing one's claim to sexuality, beauty, and a certain savior faire that comes only with age isn't for me!
25
Please, too old to adopt a rescue puppy at 59. What a stupid statement! My late mother at age 69 started a cat shelter (Katz's cat house was how one of the media outlets phrased it during the short time it used a well-located city building to accept animals). While mostly cats resided there, some dogs and one rabbit went in. Many went out to good, forever homes where they would be loved. Love, not age, was the main criteria. Anyway, folks say that sixty is the new forty. Unless you don't have time to properly care for the animal or you intend on doing lots of travel where a dog would be inconvenient travel companion, find another place from which to adopt an animal. There are plenty without homes. Or, foster one.
1
Menopause was my release. Thank you for saying it so beautiflully
2
I always have wondered why its called men-o-pause! Hmmm.
3
‘Too Little Too Late’: Bankruptcy Booms Among Older Americans
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/05/business/bankruptcy-older-americans.h...
10
To "freedom from bikinis", add high heels, impractical fashion and tampons. Talk about freedom.
4
Post menopause and aging is like a fox peeking out beyond the hen house.......watching and waiting. Sly and cunning.
1
The best thing about menopause: NO MORE MIGRAINES!
The next best thing, although this is just an age thing, ZFG about a million things I would have agonized over years ago.
Also, I got a chuckle over your missing ovulation. You felt sexy, I just got gassy. Don't miss that a bit.
7
Re sleeplessness: there was a great (and memorable) piece in The New Yorker by Jenny Allen in 2008 "Awake". Please look for it if the link doesn't take you there, but If this link works: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/06/02/awake-shouts-jenny-allen
3
Thank you for pointing us to this vivid account of a familiar state...laughter is the best medicine, especially when nothing else works!
2
@MN agreed!
Lovely.
1
Invisible at 56? George The media still amply displays George Clooney's handsome face, no less a heart-throb at 57. Why the double standard? At best, this article is a subtle commentary on gender bias in our culture. At worst, the author is unwittingly perpetuating a stereotype. And, puhleez, do stop bemoaning your age! At 68 I do (and should) still care about what I wear to the party...but oh, to be 56 again!
9
yes I am reading this at 4 am.
4
Oh good Lord. Oh, isn't it just dandy for you! You're okay. You've got your health and your husband. You're getting a new puppy. You are in a good place in your career and even if not, see number one - husband can support you! Things are just swell! As long as you're okay, I guess the rest of us ought to just be ashamed for feeling angry or disappointed or fearful. I guess there must be something wrong with those of us left without our life partners due to death or divorce, with slim odds of finding another, or those of us clinging to our jobs in a marketplace that values us less with each passing year. I guess the rest of us should just shut up about the indignity of being demeaned and condescended to or talked over when someone does see us. Or of seeing the way other women our age are treated, from the woman who works in a cafeteria to Hillary Clinton. Oh, and insomnia's probably not a problem when you have a job with flexible hours so you can take a little nap, I suppose, but try dragging yourself through a 10-hour day on three hours of sleep. Good for you that you live in a place where you can go out and watch the doe and spotted fawn frolicking with the spiders or whatever. Just know that you do not speak for many of your contemporaries.
62
@JM
I had many of the same sentiments when I first read this. I struggle with rage, envy and bitterness. I don't think those emotions serve me anymore. These feelings must be transformed. You must bless her success and she must open her eyes and care.
In a perfect world. :-)
9
Gosh 56 is hardly that ancient :-)). You make out like an old fashioned, aimless grandmother. All this comes from growing old without a purpose in life. Perhaps you need to sit down and enumerate what you hope to accomplish in this menopausal, dotage of your life. And stop walking back in time and wistfully thinking of stuff. Or feeling that the only reason for your living is to be near family or hear from them. Seize your freedom, do things you would never have dreamed of doing....including wearing that bikini on your waistless self. Trust me old is as you think. Stay current and involved with the world, it's the new, sexy, estrogen. I should know, I am quite close to you in age and you know what, I revel in the freedom menopause has offered me. And I sleep, very soundly indeed.
8
Adopt an older dog, not a puppy.
17
I loved this piece so much - it could have been plucked from my own brain, if I could write that well.
I am 58 and just got a new puppy - he's 12 weeks old and already weighs 25 lbs! I was thinking as I carefully struggled and juggled down the stairs with him at 2:00 am for nature's call that I was waaaay too old to have a puppy. Thank you for reminding me that such is not the case!
3
For me, it is just a different set of challenges, but still challenges, constant battles - I have been at war with my body since I was about 11. Big boobs, uncontrollable, unpredictable bleeding, no help shopping for 'feminine products' because we lived in the Philipenes, fits of anger and argument and quitting jobs has now morphed into an endless battle with weight gain, ever- expanding boobs - as you get older, they get bigger!! - no help from doctors at all, even female ones who don't even know enough to ask a question as to what state you are in..I am happy not to have to deal with pregnancy and ruined bloody clothes, horses' saddles, interview seats, whatever - all that inconvenience. But it has totally been replaced with fatness, even bigger boobs, and lack of attractiveness to anyone, really. Yes, getting a dog is a good solution ..
6
This couldn't have been more timely for me. I'm 56 going on 57, and have been trying to come to terms with the invisibility of menopause. Years ago, I remember reading a Germaine Greer essay about a group of older women having lunch and how they were invisible to the waiter, who lavished his attention on a table of younger women. At the time, I was one of those younger women, so it seemed both pitiable and impossible, because youth. I'll admit, at first I fought, cursed, and lamented the ravages of menopause––the thinning of abundant hair, the loss of supple skin, the beauty routines that were really just moving deck chairs on the Titanic. But I realized the one thing menopause cannot take away is your sense of style. Free from the constraints and conformities of youth and blissfully contemptuous of those shaming fashion don'ts, I can indulge my sartorial sensibilities to my heart's content. And no longer worried about attracting a mate, I have focused on attracting the most beautiful birds to my yard and finding my senior-dog soulmate. I'm gratified to have found a deeper beauty in the world around me--one I too often overlooked when I was chasing beauty of the temporal kind. (But for the record, I do wish I had worn that bikini until I was 34.)
16
I love your observations about nature in the first light of dawn. However, I could do without your musings about menopause and aging. Women and girls (whether old or young) should always be visible, vocal, and vivacious. And we really should stop obsessing about whether we can wear a bikini or be considered beautiful (to men or other women for that matter). Frankly, it's boring.
12
Thank you Margaret for your essay. Your insights were tender and humorous, truly hit home. Reading the essay brought cathartic tears to my eyes.
I hope you continue to write on this subject.
2
I'm a 69-year-old woman, but I'm six feet tall. Believe me, I never feel invisible. And the menopause for me was a breeze: no night (or day) sweats, no mood swings, nothing. My periods simply came further and further apart, and then they stopped. Not having to menstruate is wonderful. I hike, work out and feel great. I sleep fine. I never had kids and never wanted any. Everything still works. Sure, I look old, but my looks were never paramount for me. So it's not a big deal.
Not all women are alike. I read articles like this one, and the one in the last few days about standing in line for an $18 lipstick, and I realize, once again, how far from the mainstream of womanhood I am and always have been. I read about "tribes" and realize I don't have one. I relate to people as individuals, and that works well for me.
Thank you for once again reminding me that it's possible to live a great life and NOT be governed by stereotypes. I read articles like this and it's like reading about an ancient culture from another part of the world. I understand what I'm reading, and I don't doubt its veracity. It makes sense. But it is totally alien to me.
And although I'm pretty sure I'm in the minority, I'm not the only one who feels this way. You do you, author. But I hope you understand that you do not speak for me, or for all women. Some of us don't fit the mold, and we never will. And we're glad we don't. And we're not invisible. We're confident. We know we matter.
79
@GreenGene, thank you for this comment. While I appreciated reading this column and, especially, the readers' comments, I, too, felt a bit like a foreigner. As a woman of color, visibility and invisibility have their own, fluid social dynamics. As a 58 year old lifetime jock, I feel powerful and marvel at how my body's strength keeps surprising me. My voice matters and is much more fearless and certain--not strident, just more confident, self-aware, and ethically committed. Visibility, goodness, empathy, strength, and a language of solidarity and sympathy--that is what age has given me. And I am grateful.
13
@GreenGene I love this.
2
Having gone through menopause by the time i was 49 with little to no issues, I am now 59 and in some of the best shape of my life full of energy and a body of someone in their 20s. I have been divorced for six years and have yet had a date because men my age want someone younger as if I am a dried up prune. Far from it!
Being invisible has its moments especially when I travel on my own which is a lot. I don’t worry about eating by myself or going to a bar due to the fact I am invisible. I can venture out and explore the world without worries.
However, I do not like that our society still thinks of women, who are older, as not having a voice anymore. Being invisible takes away from our power and the wisdom that we have through our life experiences that we could share with everyone. I,for one, will not go quietly into the night. As Helen Reddy said, “I am woman, hear me roar!”
23
A note to women approaching menopause: Every woman is different and experiences menopause differently. I've not experienced any of the horrible symptoms the writer enumerates. I don't have insomnia. I still have a waistline. And my hair remains the same thickness as decades ago. But I am invisible. And even that isn't so bad.
5
Invisibility is my favorite superpower! It always was, even when I was young, because it meant freedom. I have found wonderful friendships with women are the greatest gift of being older. Also, the appreciation of the sweet “boring” days when all’s right with the world. When my little dog got paralyzed, I realized how fragile this whole life is. Thankfully he learned to walk again and taught me many lessons along the way. Life is sweet.
3
I am so glad you rescuing a dog, I too am in canine hospice mode. I was going to suggest a Greyhound, divine creatures. I am well past post menopause, it was a hideous time BUT while I too appreciate the loss of concern over " pretty" I threw myself into Boxing, pole dancing & do not believe for one moment Menopause means the loss of " beauty, bones or hair necessarily.
The message of the " Crone" is misunderstood, it is the " Crown" I disagree with the message re " loosing waist" etc, you do have to work harder, choose your real desires, if you really don't actually care & enjoy your invisibility, so be it, but it does not have to be that way.
No woman should be invisible for any reason but being " seen" is sometimes a choice I think. Menopause needs a revised paradigm. Dr Christianne Northrup has a very enlightening pov.
I still rock a bikini, 34 long gone. It's different for every woman, but there is some autonomy over Menopausal Madness!
3
Lovely and Amazing - thank you!
4
I didn't become invisible in menopause. I was born that way.
Much as I enjoyed Nora Ephron, I did not relate to her description of the loss of attention as she aged. That attention was never mine. You see, I went through my entire life as a fat, plain looking person with physical deformities and thus have hidden in plain sight the whole time. So, welcome to the club, ladies. There is plenty of room.
A few bits of advice: Drop all alcohol if sleep is a problem. If you are wide awake at 4AM -- give your body an hour-long strenuous work out and then begin your day. Get the dog, the degree or the tattoo if you desire. Consider foster parenting or "adopting" an older senior in your community. We never outlive our need for love and the ability to continually make meaningful connections is important for physical and mental health.
26
I think the author's husband's suggestion that they travel is an excellent one. The 50's are a great age for traveling. You still have a good amount of stamina and energy that you may not have as much of as the years go on. Time for a road trip (with or without the animals).
3
I work in an animal shelter and much prefer people over 50 to adopt any one of our animals, including a puppy. Older people provide a more stable home for an animal. They are typically more settled, have more resources, and are just overall more reliable, steady people than younger people. Younger folks have more life changes (jobs, locations, marriage/children ...) than often negatively impact a companion animal. Go to a smarter animal shelter, Margaret. They made a big mistake with you. And good for you for adopting, not buying, an animal.
6
Sexist and very true observation (at least for me, a man in his 60s):
The value of getting older is that the universe of attractive women just keeps getting larger!
(I don't care what they say about cougars, in my 30s I certainly didn't think postmenopausal women were attractive. Now, they certainly are).
Does not resonate AT ALL. Sad to think the author (and judging from the comments) many, feel "invisible" just because they have reached a certain age.
9
I only have couple more years to go to be eligible for Medicare...yay! I understand the freedom that Margaret talks about, free from my own expectations and those of others. I am also free of appetites that drove me to unhealthy behaviors...wine, accumulation of material things, and yes, even sex... not afraid to admit it! However, I do not feel invisible in the least bit. Almost every one I meet responds to a genuine smile, eye contact that says "yes, I see you"; some form of greeting with or without words. And basically, men who love women, from 18 to 80, just...love women!
My beautiful big Dobie died in my arms three months ago, but today I have a tiny puppy who will grow up into a small dog. I call her my old lady dog, as sadly there are to be no more big dogs in my life. Animals keep us young and their sheer joy in waking up every day is infectious.
4
I'm 72 and kind of fat and very happy. I realize that my whole life was spent worrying about how I looked to other people. What a waste! I have recently been freed from all of that. My friends and, I who are also old and fat, now enjoy "Swim Club" once a week at a friend's house. No one cares how anyone looks; we just enjoy each other's company.
I hope you lots of "young" girls read this article and take it to heart. Thanks!
10
That shelter needs to be called out for age discrimination. The average life expectancy of a 56 year old woman is 27 years and the average dog lives 15 to 20 years. We need to push back on the idea that if you're over 50, you have one foot in the grave.
6
Wonderfully written article. I am 52 and menopause is a gift in itself. Everything the author says about not be being worried anymore about all these silly things is sooo liberating. Sometimes I think if you had these feelings in your twenties it would almost be like having super powers. Btw, I am still rocking that bikini. I don’t care. I am who I am.
1
This was/ is not my experience at all. I sleep fine and am healthier than I ever been. I keep a good schedule, do not nap during the day. I eat healthily and exercise daily. I have had no significant hot flashes, nothing more than I already had as a grown adult. The only thing different is that I stopped flowing.
1
One of my dearest memories is that of my Great-Great Aunt Ines at the age of 87, chasing after her hound puppy Brownie who had escaped the house and was running down the street. They caught up with each other some blocks later and decided home would be a good thing - as long as there were cookies.
3
Why, in western culture, do women become "invisible" after menopause, except that our limited ideas of sexuality and living get in our way? A nice piece of writing, but she seems to have packed everything that made her interesting, colorful and sexual away in a box and opted for "invisible."
Long ago I stopped making party dresses an issue in my life; in my 40's I woke up to the falseness and triviality of women's lives, shaking my head at my co-workers who inevitably spent their days off "shopping." But at age 61, I see it differently. Whatever brings you happiness is a precious thing, it's the slavery part of it that's wrong.
And yes, we were all pretty. That's the one thing I am sad about, that I was taught that I wasn't pretty enough, or thin enough, or popular enough. So don't tell me now that I should be invisible.
34
Finally, someone who has articulated what I’ve been feeling. For those of us who felt invisible when we were young, invisibility is NOT appealing.
6
This is so relatable. Getting older involves a calibration of feelings and attitudes, discard and another kind of growth. Margaret Renki expressed this beautifully. Thank you.
2
I am 45, not yet in menopause, but I am grateful for the comments of all the older people here, who mostly speak with humor and wisdom, and make me look forward to the journey of life, and perhaps meeting more people like you.
21
@Cate
Yours is one of the most beautiful comments I've read here in a very long time. Thank you.
6
This piece sings with the beauty that only comes with age.
My philosophy is that the beauty, lust and energy of youth is replaced with wisdom that grows from experience.
It actually seems a fair trade off.
There was a time that women who were post menopausal were the village elders, the crone who knew how to cure an illness or injury. The person who knew ways to help a new mother get her babe to sleep, how to store food or what will happen if there is not enough rain. Their age was honored not demeaned.
l loved reading this, and only can hope that other women when they read it recognize themselves and each other in the words. Youth and life is fleeting. Trying to hold onto something that is impossible to hold only causes suffering. Greet each day as a gift and walk forward as you age with grace.
5
Thank you, Ms. Renkl, for writing this beautiful article. I have had the wonderful opportunity of falling upon two of your articles this summer unexpectedly...one on loving an older dog and the second, this one, on menopause. Having lost our beloved 15 1/2 old dog this past June and having been running dog hospice for well over 2 years, your first article touched me deeply. I realized we weren’t alone in this endeavor of honoring these creatures who have taken care of us and loved us as they approach the end of their life and also what a gift it is to do so. Your second article on menopause made me smile and, again, realize that I am not alone in the night wakes and that, whereas I once spent those nights caring for our beloved Sydney as she needed to go out, etc, I now take night photographs, and a whole new creative side of my hobby has been awakened. Please keep writing these articles, Ms. Renkl.
4
If you really want a rescue dog, keep trying. My husband and I are 68 and 67 respectively, and recently welcomed a wonderful little "sato" (mutt) from Puerto Rico, via The Sato Project. Look them up! They do great work. We were also approved by several other rescue organizations besides the one from which we got our pup. Not all animal rescue organizations take pride in making it super hard to adopt a pet.
3
As a 39-year-old who is entering menopause a decade earlier than I am supposed to, I agree that it is liberating to finally say no to the things I don't want to do. Long term financial security also helps mightily with this.
13
A male friend of mine once said, "It's not being bald that's hard. It's going bald that's hard."
A female friend of mine once said the same about menopause.
And for the record, she's happier than she's ever been.
5
God, this is wonderful! Live and thrive, Margaret Renkl. And with the boost you've given my 80-year-old spirit, why, so will I.
12
Wow, such a contrast between this article and the one I just read before it, on the huge uptick in bankruptcies among seniors.
Obviously the point of each article is different, and I appreciate that for women it's great that there is a much more open and positive take on what used to be whispered about as 'the change of life.'
But I also can't help but feel that this writer is lucky, and I'm glad her tone is one of being thankful for this. Not everyone appreciates becoming invisible and most don't have a lake to walk down to at sunrise.
According to so many comments here, life just gets better and better as you age. How marvelous - I wish I was feeling more of that. Sure there are things you no longer worry about, but there are a flood of new and arguably more serious concerns.
For example, try being laid off at 66 and see how much you enjoy being 'invisible.'
59
@Ambient Kestrel
"According to so many comments here, life just gets better and better as you age."
What changes as you age is your perspective on life.
If life "gets better," as you remark, its because it is easy to give up the encumbrances of the past.
I am sorry that you have been laid off from work.
1
I agree with most of the sentiments expressed here, but want to note that the physical experience of menopause differs. I think too many women are encouraged to think of menopause as absolutely involving sleepless nights, hot flashes, and other physical symptoms. For at least half of us, symptoms are mild and hardly worth mentioning, particularly compared with the symptoms accompanying menstruation. I say that not to boast, but just to remind women to pay attention to their own experience and not necessarily think "hot flashes, etc." Actually I encourage women to time their hot flashes and count them. When you can measure them, you can sort of keep them in perspective. Mine lasted 1 minute and 45 seconds almost exactly. At their worst, six times a day. (Now, almost never). I realize that's on the milder end of the spectrum, but so are many others.
6
I learned this lesson during my first pregnancy at 32...don’t obsess about other people’s stories, good or bad. You can listen and learn, but don’t obsess. You will get what you get.
3
@Susan great comment. I experienced, literally no symptoms of menopause except the stoppage of menses. I never expected to have any symptoms either. Age 60 and feel great.
1
A healthy life is a gift. We have all buried friends who died to young and we should be living for them. Marketing creates the doubt in your lives about how you should look at every age. If we are lucky to have had parents who taught us to be strong and independent in our thinking, we didn't have time to worry about physical appearances we were busy doing activities being involved in life.
Treasure each moment because nothing is guaranteed.
10
Best day of my life: in September, 2000, after 37 years of suffering. But, I have never been invisible. Ask anyone who knows me.
8
Huh? You write about 56 the way I would expect to write about life at 90+.
Gray hair and glasses, not menopause, are what has made me invisible. I don’t see men with gray hair being invisible (although I am beginning to read accounts of it). I see men and women everywhere refusing to wear glasses. ( I know, because they constantly borrow mine when we go out.) How well you see is related to how well you remember things. I wonder if these people are trying to promote dementia by not wearing glasses?
Take magnesium supplements and start sleeping again.
20
It was a cruel awakening for me, after decades of looking forward to the end of painful irregular periods, to find out that menopause comes with its own set if issues. I assumed I'd suffer my fair share of hot flashes, but I hadn't expected 30-40 abrupt violent surges of anger and/or confusion inducing heat per day, leaving me constantly on the verge of tears and in need of a shower and change of clothes. During the past 7 years of riding this thermal/emotional roller coaster, there's been little opportunity to "enjoy" my deliverance from the tyranny of erratic menstruation and distorted body image. I'm too busy trying to stay clean and dry. Be careful what you wish for.
8
I turned 25 two weeks ago, and I would give so much to be invisible. When you are young, men seem to think they and their eyes have some kind of right to stare and invade your life. I love most things about being young - I am healthy and strong and about to enter my career - but the demeaning male gaze is something I can’t wait to shed. I hope menopause comes soon!
684
@Robin
There are a number of ways for you to psychologically manage the demeaning male gaze. (Accept that men are underdeveloped, conflicted, desperate for structure and insecure, for starters -- that's what I tell my 19 year old daughter.) No need to wait for menopause!
2
@Robin You are so right! I went through the same thing, and I hope you find ways to still live your life in an engaged, joyful way, in spite of the imposition of sexual innuendo.
Don't hope too much for menopause, tho, cause there's a lot of things not-so-fun that start happening then, much more unpleasant than thinning hair or loss of sleep.
Point is, be strong, be happy, give it all you've got!
3
@Robin
Oh, Robin. I am so sorry that this is your reality. I hope it gets better - the male problem- and you can be yourself. (France just made it a crime! YAY) Young women deserve to be free and unhindered!
I always wore baggy clothes to hide. Now I'm older - not old enough to be invisible, perhaps - but I do wear tighter clothing. If not now, when! And if anybody says anything, I'll rip his face off (metaphorically speaking, of course)...
2
The average age here on Marco Island is 63 so I’m still a babe. So far the biggest disappointment has been the fact that men want to date women at least 15 years younger. I’ve changed all the diapers I’ll ever change and have no desire to be anyone’s caregiver.
If the hair, waist, sweat and sleep issues are all I have to deal with, I’ll take them because I’m free.
Free of having men not hearing a word I’m saying because “you’re so pretty”, free of trying on 3 outfits before I go to a party, free of thinking I needed a man to complete my happiness. I can hire a plumber, electrician, handyman and I’m my own best friend.
Kinda sorry it took so long to get here but if menopause is the price I had to pay, I wish it had come sooner.
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My favorite comment so far, of many good ones in about this article! Thank you!
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@Solamente Una Voz If 'all' or most of the men around you want to date women at least 15 years younger, then you need to broaden your horizons. Sure, guys may indicate such age preferences on dating sites, but that's basically just throwing out bait to see what they might catch. In the real world, these guys may be a bit more realistic. And if that's still not the case, then clearly you are looking in the wrong places. Generally men who 'insist' on dating younger women are weak-minded. A man who is happy with himself and doesn't feel the need to 'impress' his guy friends with 'arm candy' is capable of seeing beauty in a 'woman', and all that 'woman' encompasses. (And btw, there are indeed plenty of men like this. It's just that women who are looking in the wrong places - or who repeatedly attract the wrong type of man - would rather lay the blame on 'all men being this or that', instead of asking themselves why they are only meeting shallow men.)
3
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I had a long, happy (more or less) marriage, a nice career, now I'm widowed, and a grandmother. I enjoy my Independence and the freedom I have to make my own choices everyday without considering the needs of others, something I haven't experienced since I married and became a mother 45 years ago. Now at 73, I am responsible for no one except myself and my dogs.
Aging is unavoidable, and there are certainly downsides, but there are positive aspects of it, too.
5
The most striking part of menopause for me was the shock of realizing how bad my body dysmorphia (and self esteem) had been in my youth. I mean, for most of my life I have been slim and beautiful, but the shame I felt with my body was pervasive and unrelenting. I actually thought it had merit. That I had REASON to be ashamed. In menopause, I gained more than 60 pounds. Now most of that weight is gone -- I hear some women, especially those without kids, lose the weight after "transitioning" -- and menopause has miraculously freed me from my hang ups. I am elated. My body is "old" -- lots of loose skin and whatnot -- but I'm elated, and feel a certain kind of self respect I've never felt before. I'm also terribly sad that I never got to enjoy the body I had. My entire life!
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@Jessica Mendes
How many of us looking back, are, like you, and Nora Ephron, realizing we punished ourselves relentlessly when we were younger for being imperfect, when we were lovely and sexy and in our best years!
I'm not exactly elated at being older, but relieved that I have finally come closer to valuing the more important things in life.
10
I'm with you. I had such body self loathing for no reason when I was your. Men don't! They can be fat and bald and still think they are sexy. Trust me young women, your body will only get worse with age, but it matters less. I'm still not happy with it. Again, women are self-critical, but I am happy with how I function physically (yoga, a trainer, pilates), eat what I am and am HAPPY.
4
From a longer perspective than the author of this article, sleepless still, I find when I see young men and woman that I too marvel at their energy, their optimism and their beauty. Youth is a work of art, and can be appreciated by all ages. Part of the beauty is that the young so rarely realize how precious youth is.
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You agree with George Bernard Shaw that youth is wasted on the young . . . . .@Anne Bergman
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@Anne Bergman
Hence the old saw "youth is wasted on the young."
2
What I’ve learned since beginning menopause twenty years ago — a lesson I cherish — is that nobody cares. What freedom it brings to know that nobody cares if I gain or lose a few pounds, dress for comfort rather than fashion, choose to retire from a long-standing career, and spend the day gazing at the horizon if that's what the day brings. Ignoring a zeitgeist that ignores me is a welcomed gift. There’s no pressure to know the latest movies, recording artists and TV shows. No pressure to host or attend parties. It took a while to fully embrace the freedom that comes with menopause. I don’t kow what I was waiting for.
28
Beautiful! At 65, I thoroughly revel in invisibility, having inherited my mother’s “what will people think?” mantra. Sadly, I let it dictate too much of my life, and it came as quite a surprise and huge relief to me when I realized that no one was constantly watching and judging me every time I took a breath. It took me a long time for me to forgive her for putting that burden of perfection on her child. No one is watching now.
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@NinaMargo It's quite likely that few people are ever watching. Someone said 'out of every 10 people,7 are completely indifferent'. We're all protagonists in our own little dramas...
3
Since I turn 56 in two days, I was nodding my head in agreement. My situation being slightly different: divorced after almost three decades of marriage and four children all now grown and successfully on their own. I'm living alone for the first time in my adult life (for six years now). Sometimes, it's lonely, but most of the time I'm happy to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it. I was two months shy of official menopause in early 2017 when, to my surprise, I ovulated once more...and experienced my final menses three weeks after a 29-year old Mexican hottie hit on me at a resort in Cancun. I laughed it off at the time, thinking he must be looking for a green card. My ovaries took it seriously. I still laugh about it. It was a pleasant way to say goodbye to fertility.
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@Susan. Congratulations!
3
Why do I find your “Mexican hottie” story so off-putting? Was it your assumption that he was looking for a green card? I think it more likely he was a pro, looking for his next gig. Silly you.
5
@Susan
Great comment but can't help but note that if a 54 yo andropausal man made mention of a 29 yo Mexican hottie hitting on them, the male bashing army would commence their daily assault.
5
When I was younger, I thought of myself as a sex activist, having the discussions others were not about women's desire. Now, I think of myself as a menopause activist, having the discussions others are not about this older way of being a woman. I have really missed a public discussion about menopause. So brava, Margaret Renkl, for this beautiful piece. We need more of them, because menopause is as various, and beautiful, and awful, as all the older women in the world!
Personally, I am through the night sweats and, having taken some alternative medicines, I now sleep through most nights. I hope you find your own individual way back to sleep, Margaret! Not having a long time partner, I'm interested in exploring this new, different sexuality I now have--hard because, yes, the waistline and, yes, my hormones work differently and, yes, societal expectations about women... for me, there's a beautiful adventure waiting here, if there's a right person to take it with me. But mostly, as you say, there's a new self confidence that my decisions are mine to make.
Someone once told me that when you go into menopause, you get your energy back for yourself--your physical energy isn't going into making you ready to make a child every month. And yes, that's the real beauty of menopause--you get yourself back! Enjoy, Margaret Renkl and all my older sisters.
One last thing--what are you naming your new puppy?
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When I learned about menopause, I knew God was a woman....
@Margot To your remark about being ready to make a child every month. I haven't hit menopause yet, but am not looking forward to it.
But an alternative medicine practitioner put it this way: menopause is when your body shifts its energy from maintaining fertility to maintaining longevity.
I hadn't thought about it like that. Perhaps this is why women live longer.
Ms. Renkl, your beautiful essay made me cry. Even though I am male, I identify with the feelings to which you give voice so powerfully.
I will be 59 in a few months; my girlfriend, who I met on Match, is a month older than me and we are head over heels about one another... not only because of great chemistry (the first time for both of us, a previous marriage for each notwithstanding) but precisely because we are at a stage in life where what is important has come into very sharp focus.
Holding hands and kissing in public; talking about all manner of topics over dinner; doing the NYT crosswords together; cuddling at the end of a long day -- these are the pyrotechnics of middle age.
I am going to email her a link to your piece. She will smile.
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My previous comment was not accepted just because I disagree with this article and the reader's comments. Being over 50 does not mean at all you become invisible. If you become invisible is because you give up. I'll become invisible when I die. Many years after menopause I still get looks from men, of all ages. Why, because I eat well and exercise staying in shape. I also stay current and communicate well with younger people. They enjoy interacting with me. I feel I'm getting younger and just getting started on new projects where I fail. Failure is an incentive to keep trying and staying positive. Contrary to what most think, your metabolism slows down when you slow down, not the other way around. Those who enjoy getting "old" are merely using that as an excuse for being lazy. Doing nothing is easy to do.
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@ART
Gray hair and glasses make you invisible to most. Not everyone can tolerate hair dye, wear contacts or benefit from corrective surgeries.
At any age so far I have found that men notice me when I am in shape and wear clothes that make it possible to notice that I am fit. People who want to be more visible should focus on looking and being fit rather than on their clothing, hairstyle and make up.
Your body strives to be efficient and it succeeds; it does more with less. You must learn to eat less as you age. Exercise that adds or keeps muscle helps, but it doesn’t stop the metabolism from slowing down/becoming more efficient.
5
@ART -- are you sure its not defensiveness that is keeping you young? It's okay that you move through your life differently; no one is watching.
What belies and detracts from your youth, is the need to call others 'lazy' for not moving through their life as you choose to move through yours. Enjoy your life and be open to being informed by others.
6
@ART
I have to add that when I started wearing glasses I thought guys would leave me alone. Just the opposite! Complaining about getting old is a defensive mechanism for not wanting to put the effort to keep taking care of yourself or learning new things. It's all about attitude. I learned about the value of experience from my grandparents who were dignified and who never complained they were getting old. Menopause is just a phase in life, it is not the end. As long as one is healthy, possibilities are many.
4
My mother died at fifty-seven, after years of fighting breast cancer. It pains me to think that her experiences of menopause and aging were affected so strongly, regardless of her grace in the face of such struggle. Twenty four years later, I am now in my forties, and I’m coming from a surreal place of experiencing the first signs of hormonal change, and knowing that there is a very good chance that I will outlive my mother by many years. I still mourn the loss, and do everything in my power to appreciate the time I have in this life, and the gift of my health. Thank you for this beautiful piece.
5
Lovely, thank you Margaret Renkl for this.
4
I like being invisible. Far less street harassment! But you are in more danger of being run over by cars turning at intersections or blowing through stop signs and red lights.
For me, the insomnia has diminished along with the hot flashes. Maybe that will happen for you, too.
3
You write beautifully and thankfully have learned to shed societal static like the sunrise raccoon you witnessed shaking off its early swim. Most importantly, you can rescue a puppy. Maybe grab a dejected discarded adult dog too while you can. That would save 2 lives and enhance yours doubly. Blessings.
13
Don’t do it Ms. Renkl - don’t adopt that puppy! Don’t make another forever committment! Aging out of ovulation means never again having to make a forever commitment to another living being. Aging out of ovulation means seeing what we couldn’t before, through our hormone tinted glasses. Try a different approach. Namely, rescue dog fostering. You provide the love, home and training rescue dogs need as they transition from a crummy situation, to a better one. The who, what, where and when of being a rescue foster home is yours to negotiate. Rescue pups can bring you the squiggly hopefulness you want in your home, while also leaving space for the rest of the new things being that invisible will illuminate for you. Let me tell ya - it’s a hoot!
7
@Nyte
Wow, excellent advice. I am trying to decide what to do after I retire, and I was thinking about dog walking.
The only downside to rescue dog fostering for me is that I would get emotionally attached and end up with a houseful of best friends!
7
Absolutely get that puppy... a dog gives you unconditional beautiful love ❤️. You need to walk them and care for them which is good for you too. I take mine for a 3-4 mile walk daily. I love making her happy.
1
You, madam, are a very good writer. Thanks.
From a soon to be 56 year old (on Thursday).
4
Not my experience. So I want to encourage younger women to not assume that this sad little kvetch is not necessarily your fate. I'm way past menopause. I feel great and I turn heads. Keep it together! Reach for life!
29
Thank you for reinforcing my own thoughts. This is a particularly freeing time for me and I enjoy every moment, even the little catnaps I take in the chair! I get enough sleep and I wake up early and who cares! Certainly not I.
6
It's sad to me to read women who have internalized the misogynist and ageist definitions of beauty our culture constantly throws at us ad nauseum. "Everyone" is beautiful when they're young? I guess if you think "beauty" is skin deep. And "I enjoy being invisible?" I would enjoy more living in a culture that doesn't assign women an expiration date.
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@Amy Luna While we can certainly spend time arguing over whether or not society (or certain societies) assign 'expiration dates' for women, that does not change the fact that we women can choose to either accept and internalize such notions, or reject them and see them for the hogwash that they are. Have we not all seen older women we thought positively vibrant and attractive? And no, I'm not just talking about women with money, or who have had 'procedures'. I'm talking about everyday, real, older women who simply take basic pride in their appearances. Who are confident. Who still believe themselves attractive. These are the very people who are invisible to no one. Whether young or old, male or female, so much of how we view ourselves...how we carry ourselves....determines how others will view us and treat us. You should not be handing so much of your own power over to 'society'. ;-)
2
Dogs will get you out of the house and moving; cats prefer you sit on the couch and occasionally visit the kitchen.
If you can, get both, but if not......
Lovely piece, btw.
5
It would be so cool to have a 60 year old woman play the next James Bond - able to go without sleep or food, fueled by caffeine, satire and crone wisdom - thoroughly and entirely invisible to boot! Such larks, such larks.
39
Sorry, but I have to point out that while you all are grooving many women and men are not, not even close. You all are so self satisfied while the majority of people on this planet struggle just to survive. I think the commenters here, the majority of whom are having the greatest time ever might considering helping out at an old folks home or a homeless shelter. Share your good fortune in life. Did you read today's article on elders having to go into bankruptcy? And if you don't care about sex, or men, and you found your youth to largely be about obligation then I guess sex was never meaningful to you in the first place. Renki's column is poignant and I wish there were more writing on growing old.
13
You don't know that we aren't doing these things.
@The Iconoclast-----" I think the commenters here, the majority of whom are having the greatest time ever might considering helping out at an old folks home or a homeless shelter. Share your good fortune in life."
Why do you assume the commentators are NOT doing that already? I live in a community of mostly retired folks and many volunteer their services.
The invisibilty of menopause can be a shock in the working world, where that face that earned it's sagging jawline, and the brain slightly foggier but still knowledgible, are not seen as edgy enough to be useful. I loved the article, but agreed with the comment that it was written from a certain point of privilege. Many of us are sallying forth with our flashes, facial hair, flatulance, fogginess, and fatness (what I call the "5 F's of menopause)- working, caring for aging parents, babysitting/raising the grandchildren, helping adult children when misfortune comes their way, volunteering, living. And yet, we are not seen by society at large as valuable anymore. I hope for all women there is a time they can watch the sunrise without worry..
43
Beautiful! And I'm glad that the shelter got in touch with you - you are definitely young enough to adopt a puppy, and it will be lucky that you did!
3
Bravo! I am 63 and through the worst symptoms of menopause. I look at my graying hair, crows feet, and incipient jowls and love it. The only thing I miss about being young is the energy. I can't remember who said it, but I often think of something I read long ago. " Youth is wasted on the young".
6
If only I'd felt this undaunted thirty years ago. Never been skinnier, though!
3