Walking on the streets of the UWS daily I see multiple books abandoned in boxes waiting for new owners. I remember when in the not so distant past one could take one's extra books to the public library which sold them for a nominal price. (That was whence I acquired some fabulous dictionaries and nonfiction and even fiction stuff. (NO MORE -- but they always want $$ to buy books IMO often of dubious value!!) No "little Free Library Boxes-- like bird feeders with books in them on the UWS -- altho there are a few in Upper Manhattan and the Village. (Where are the politicians in this one?? Costs next to NOTHING to implement -- what are you worried about?) I despair. I have the first book I read at 4.5-- quite complicated -- "The Little Squeegy Bug." When I had memorized it -- the words, the spaces , and could say it back -- I knew I could read. (Sight not phonetic.) Frankly, right then and there would have been the time to begin on a second language... but society/the educational system is NOT versatile enough to do that for native English speakers!! IMO we all deserve bi-lingual education.
Curious. I was foreseeing this issue in my own life yesterday evening. I'm an "older father" with a 4.35 year old daughter. Prone to melancholy, I often project forward to the things I'll most likely not experience with her while working hard to enjoy every moment I have. Last night, when she asked for a FOURTH book for me to read before I turned off the light, I caught myself debating between the lateness of the hour and how much I'd LOVE to read another book to her. There is such a sweetness to reading and rocking that is neither saccharine nor maudlin. It's one of those rare moments one knows you are in precisely the right place at the right time doing precisely what must be done with the most important person in the solar system. I do not look kindly on its passing.
5
Mr. Nguyen, mostly you should feel so good that your son loves the written word, not just from one book or one person's words but from many writers. Absorbing information this way allows his mind to process the world around him, not only as you have helped him see it, but on his own. That's the way he becomes better than you.
You are lucky to have such a son just as he is to have you as his father.
5
To the author: Your parents are a success story, and should be celebrated. I don't understand your rather melancholy take on the circumstances of your reading life, and that of your son.
I have the sensation, when I close a book, of turning off the sound, almost like turning off the TV.
When you first mentioned the name Ellison, being the surname of a writer as a first name for your son, my thought immediately went to sci-fi author Harlan Ellison. Confronting one's fears in a literary context as a child and the level of dread they inspire evoked Harlan's aptly titled short, "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream." May your sons adventures in reading take him to the most interesting of places, though hopefully without Harlan's reputed temper!
1
So long as there is reading matter lying around, a bright child will teach himself or herself to read around the age of four or even younger. My sister and I taught ourselves to read early on. So did both my kids. It's a myth that all children need to be taught to read. Some do, many don't.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-learn/201002/children-te...
2
@Colenso
I think I was just neurologically "ready" to read at an early age. My best friend didn't read fluently until age 12, but she is now the intellectual equal of anybody and an even more voracious reader than I am.
I was reading fluently by age four. For me, it was like a light switch turning on. I came home from the first day of school spelling words and was surprised to see my parents so delighted they were almost dancing. My mother swears I was reading before that. But after that day I went off and read on my own --- all of her bodice rippers, the Reader's Digest they kept in the bathroom, and whatever I could grab at the library. I never had much interest in children's books once I learned to read. That created some real anxieties when I started reading about diseases, war, and crime. I read the newspaper every day. My parents didn't ever try to censor what I read; they were barely high school educated and quite amazed when I skipped a grade and was placed in advanced classes.
My daughter also learned to read at an early age. When she was little, I read books like Treasure Island to her, and poems by T.S. Eliot. But I also read Beatrix Potter, which I had never read myself, so we both had that delight together.
2
Thank you for your wonderful reflections. It seems to me that reading contributed to your becoming a thoughtful person who has become capable of both understanding the complexities of being human and the importance from seeing history and life's narratives from more than one perspective.
Thank you and the NYT for publishing your acquisition of some wisdoms.
1
Books except the Bible and related books were suspicious at my house. Luckily, my mother was a Sunday School teacher, and "practiced" on her five year old about what she was going to teach the 2nd an 3rd graders that following Sunday. So I got read to every day as she prepared. No wonder Science Fiction became my favorite genre!
I learned to read trying to parse out the Beetle Bailey cartoons in the Sunday paper. I would spell a word out, and then ask, what does that say? She'd tell me, and I'd do another one until I got the entire sentence. Then I'd read it carefully and move on to the next bubble. So the first sentence I read with understanding was, "Where are the carrots, Bailey?" My mother's delight about that never ended. And my delight in reading has continued to be an amazing mystery and joy. How do we figure out that letters = word= meaning? Our mind and consciousness is an amazing phenomenon!
Reading silently is truly magic, just like our forebears feared centuries ago. Do you know that some religions forbade reading silently, thinking that the "voice" inside our heads making meaning was the Devil? Wow!
1
One of my earliest memories is sitting in my mother's lap as she relaxed with a book after supper. In my baby book it's noted that I was reading at three and "reading very well" at four. I honestly never was read to until, ironically, I was in kindergarten. Until then, I had no idea that people couldn't read.
My father, on the other hand, was never a reader, although Mom tried. However, my favorite childhood memory with him was sitting in his lap reading "The Monster at the End of This Book" aloud to him. As grandchildren began arriving, each of them marked it as a personal milestone when he/she could read that book aloud to Pop Pop. Shortly before he died in 2013, his oldest great-grandson, then five, was the last to read it to him. His younger brother started a new tradition of reading it aloud at the family Christmas gathering. We have two little girls--and another baby to be born next year--waiting in the wings.
Moral of the story--kids reading to adults is much more fun.
6
I am a professor of Literacy Education. By all means, please continue to read aloud to your child. Read wonderful stories, informational texts, plays, poems...anything that intrigues you and him. Talk about ideas in texts so that you both arrive at deeper understandings.
23
Don't worry, there are so many ways of sharing books and being close to your son. I read to my son at bedtime until he was thirteen and we both enjoyed it enormously. Some nights we just couldn't stop because we both wanted to know how the story went on. I will always treasure that memory and was very touched when he packed his suitcase last night for a few weeks abroad and decided to take along one of the books we read together all those years ago.
When I was a child Monday used to be library day so on Mondays my sister and I usually went and exchanged our books. One Monday night we were all sitting in our living room, my father with his paper, my mother with her knitting and my sister and me with our new library books. Suddenly my sister laughed and said, "Listen to this, it's so funny!" and went on to read aloud from her book. After a chapter or two my Dad took over, then my Mom and me. After that we spent wonderful evenings reading aloud to each other from our childrens' books - another much treasured memory.
Taking an interest in what you son is reading may be a way of sharing and exploring the world of books together.
31
When I was learning to read, my mother regularly sat me down at the kitchen table, after work and while fixing the family dinner, and helped me with my literacy skills.
60 years later and I remember it well. I hated it yet she would not budge. It was that important. And I see that now.
I visited Mom last week. She’s 98 years old now and is facing the usual geriatric challenges.
When she had trouble sleeping one night while I was there I dipped into the bag of books the MPPL regularly delivers to her door (Bless u MPPL), found one about how Chicago dealt with daily life during WWII, and read it to her.
She dozed while I read. And I thought about how fortunate I was. The citizens of Chicago and the USA and our allies succeeded and defeated the forces of darkness. And my Mom taught me a vital skill that’s served me well over the years.
Thank you, Mom
31
I don’t think reading to your children is universal. I come from a third world country and don’t know that you should be read books and never seen anybody read to as children. My father was an educator , there were few books in the house but only for him , we were not allowed to touch them. Only here in the west I learned that parents read to their children , sometimes from they were in their mothers’ womb . Because it doesn’t exist in my culture therefore don’t feel I missed anything growing up, I don’t even know when I started to know how to read. I love books, started borrowing when I was in high school and never own a book until very late in life. But I’m a reader ! It will show if you have it on you. Not everyone read on to love reading . You grew up the same way I grew up( book wise), but you loved/love books , you found the way to make it happen because you had it on you. Glad you found your calling : congrats !
26
You are right that in many other cultures, parents don't read to children (I spent part of my own childhood in a third world country). But there are some objective benefits to that custom. One is that children will learn pronunciation when they hear a parent say words aloud. That is especially helpful for words which are spelled similarly but pronounced differently. Another plus is that children can ask parents the meaning to words they don't know, and so build vocabulary.
But however one comes to love reading, it is a great gift in life.
9
@Volany
Before Western countries colonized/invaded what today has become "third world" countries (destroying much of the local customs and disintegrating entire communities), many of them had traditions where books and literacy were mostly absent but where the very essence of what reading books to children achieves was a crucial part of the overall culture.
Reading books is most of all about telling stories, and many oral traditions cultivated this kind of art to the very highest level, both for adults and for children.
So the creation of secure attachment relationships (fundamental for developing self-confidence and learning in general), language skills, and the power of imagination - all things that reading books to children installs - was an important value in those cultures too.
On the other hand, one could argue that it's precisely in Western societies today that these things are actually more absent than in oral cultures, as movies took over the "story telling" part that you can find in any culture, but watching a movie together with your child (or as a kid alone, in your bedroom) doesn't develop any bond with a parent, and arguable contributes less to training language skills and imagination than what is possible through merely listening to highly cultivated language...
1
I still read to my son every night, at his request. He’s almost 10. We read longer books and discuss vocabulary, meaning, content, plot, characters and so on. I get to read new books or re-read favorites from my childhood with a new perspective. We both love it.
Don’t stop reading to him! It only gets better.
41
Some of the saddest evenings was when each of my sons, separated by 3 years, began reading alone at bedtime. I get emotional even now recalling about 30 years ago when I was seemingly no longer welcome to read the favorite stories, even some of the easier simpler ones we started with, when more complex and longer tales were what they wanted. I had imagined that writing a children's interest book and finding an illustrator would be easy, but in fact, there are very few of those combinations around. And without the illustrator, the story alone had a little less pizzazz.
The real book, pre-Disney, of the 101 Dalmations was our first long book, which we re-read every change of season for a few years. That book is still held tightly on my oldest son's shelf reserved for very special books.
Another was The Land Remembers, by Ben Logan. My son marveled at how much of what Mr. Logan had put on the pages mirrored what I had told him of growing up in a similar but later time period. We had the good fortune of hearing Mr. Logan give a seminar at the local University, with him at age 7 being the youngest in the room. Later we traveled to his family farm and he graciously, as we were unscheduled, invited us in and encouraged my son to experiment with his writing and how to work towards useful material.
Early on, they discovered the marvel of imagination, lead by a skillful writer, which far exceeds any special effects studio. Long live books.
22
The emotion you felt at their reading alone should be pride. You gave them an amazing gift that no one can take away, that will never wear out and that can be passed on. Congratulations
4
I have a friend with a grandson that just learned to read. Her solution to the loss that comes when a child no longer asks to be read to is to ask him to read to her.
8
I hope the NYT will publish more articles like this: eloquently written, and remembering fundamental values and how to cherish and cultivate them. In immoral times like these, we absolutely need such collective reminders.
Science has shown that telling well-written stories to children:
- increases their attention span and ability to focus
- develops their ability to imagine new situations and ideas
- develops their moral imagination (the ability to feel what other people are feeling even though you never felt like that yourself, and to care about what's right and fair in situations only books allow you to explore)
- develops their language skills, which in turn:
- develops their ability to label emotions, which in turn:
- develops their emotional intelligence, knowing that that, not cognitive intelligence, determines most whether you'll have a successful career or not
- develops a sense of secure attachments, which is the foundation of solid, fact-based self-confidence and the ability to acknowledge and learn from mistakes without questioning your own worth as a human being (in other words, which allows you to develop the brain networks necessary to distinguish loving yourself and liking or rejecting this or that result of your actions, so that you know how to unconditionally love yourself even when you dislike what you did and realize you need to change).
A democracy is only as strong/intelligent/thriving as its citizens are. So let's make America Read Again ... MARA!
6
I always read to my young children and now I read to my grandchildren. There is nothing as intimate as sharing a book or cooking with young children. No distractions just sweet moments.
2
Books and education are not everything.
We need advice and encouragement from parents throughout life.
The Bible says, we should honor our parents to thrive in the world.
=================================================
Now, there is the temptation of the web to pull kids from parents.
But parents can still serve as role models for us all to have.
My father was in business, and now in my seventies, I realize that I too have to be business-like and I miss his advice on selling, etc.
My mother was an artist, and now, I realize I can use pictures to communicate ideas.
Keep reading, but heed the advice of parents, for life.
========================================
@Harry Pearle My parents were more interested in trying to manipulate me than anything else. Consequently, my parents constantly gave me terrible advice from an early age all through childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. My mother continues to offer me poor advice even though I'm now old.
Just because you read something in the Bible does not make it true.
4
@Colenso
Good points. But maybe it is a matter of how we interpret parental influences. For example, we can try to balance the advice of both of our parents.
My father was very talented with machinery and my mother was talented in art. I had neither talents, as such, but I now see ways to integrate both influences in my studies with student motivation.
See my blog: www.SavingSchools.org
Viet Thanh Nguyen, please write me another book. The Sympathizer is, hands down, one of the best books I have ever read. Thank you!
2
Such a loss is a “happy fall” indeed.
A child who can converse any time he wants with every writer who ever lived will never be lonely.
2
My daughter and I would snuggle up together in bed every night and read. At first, short childrens’ books and eventually all of Little Women. It was my favorite time of day and one of the best memories I have of raising her. Apparently she treasured it as much as I did because when she first learned to read, she hid it from me!
1
But your reading times need not be lost. Now you need only ask your son to read to you.
3
i don't remember my mother ever reading to me. Like the author's parents, as a widow supporting multiple children she was far too busy being all things and working multiple jobs to perform this duty. I taught myself to read using workbooks bought for me while i was parked in endless waiting rooms of hospitals (my sister was very ill for quite a while.) At 4, i slowly figured them out and by the time i got to kindergarten i could read. i LOVED those workbooks.
Like the author, i also love to read. We were too poor for me to own books until my teens, but she unfailingly took me to the library each week where i consumed whatever i found. I skipped right over children's material and had to discover my favorite children's book, THE VELVETEEN RABBIT as an adult. At 6, I loved the "WE WERE THERE" books. I remember prowling the adult library stacks alone at 8, thinking there was absolutely nothing in them, except stupid "4 adults on an island during a hurricane with passions flaring" books. Sadly, i had to find the true classics as an adult.
That was the day, however, i found science fiction. What amazing worlds resided there! I still remember the day i started reading Isaac Asimov. Holy Moly- i had found a home. I gradually expanded my reading to the rest of the library too, blowing my 6th grade teacher's mind by reading GONE WITH THE WIND and IN COLD BLOOD. She questioned the propriety with my mother, who told her to let me read whatever i wanted to.
Thanks MOM.
37
My Ukrainian father’s education was interrupted by the outbreak of the First World War when he was a nine year old. He never had formal education beyond then, but after he came to America he was an avid reader, and loved “Increase Your Word Power” in the Reader’s Digest, as well as television shows such as “College Bowl.” I learned to read by following his finger as he laboriously pointed to each word as he read aloud to me in my childhood. It’s one of my fondest memories.
28
I remember learning how to read. I also remember that it was difficult. In my first grade class there were three reading groups: the rockets, the comets, and the blue jays.
You can probably guess which was the group for the slow learners. That was my group.
The summer between my first grade and my second grade my mother got some reading books, and had me practice with them. When I got better at it Mom took me to the nearby public library and got me a library card. I began to go to the library on my own, and took friends there.
I remember when i learned what "look" meant. That was quite a revelation. At the time LOOK magazine was published and had lots of photos. I enjoyed looking at the photographs. I was familiar with the word on the front cover, but I did not know what the word meant. Suddenly I knew.
Currently I won about a thousand books. i also write book reviews for Amazon. These can be found here:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/profile/amzn1.account.AGP3BKLZPFKWX4WFC5JDGMIF...
Profound and affectionate. Marvelous essay! And it touches on something I've wrestled with, what exactly is the pull of books? I've always loved reading but I couldn't tell you why. Is it the one-on-one with the words, lord knows I delight when I encounter just the perfect word in context? Is it knowing the story is waiting for me after I've put it aside for other things? Of course discovery of new things is always welcome. Or is it simple escape? Whatever it is, the pull is irresistible.
Thanks for exploring the matter and sharing your own answers.
I remember when I learned to love reading, or at least books. My father, who worked 2 hard, exhausting jobs to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs, would find time every evening it seemed when I was little to read to me. I had a huge collection of Little Golden Books he read to me.
He challenged me to learn to read them myself. He was an inveterate story-teller and yarn-spinner. He would start varying the story in the book - and I would loudly call him out on it. His response was always, "How do you know if you can't read it?" So I rushed to learn to read, much as I loved those evenings in my Daddy's lap with the little books.
He wanted us all to get a college education and be able to support ourselves in less back-breaking work than he did. All 3 of his children did get college degrees, thank in large part, I believe, to the love of reading he instilled.
2
In 1962 we were poor and for nine months our TV was broken, so I read books that my parents had for us, The Hardy Boys, Tarzan, encyclopedias, etc., and old magazines like NatGeo, Life, Boys' Life, Readers Digest. I was hooked-- best thing that ever happened to me. Now I know many people (adults and kids) who have never read a book and view them as I would a starved creature.
2
Literature = Infinity.
If you love reading, you will never be bored or lonely. You will always have intimate companions at your fingertips. The internet doesn't have that power. It somehow leaves us empty, on edge, distracted.
I just read Stephen King's eloquent (I had written "very" eloquent but he said to avoid adverbs) book On Writing, and he said reading was akin to telepathy, a communication between minds, between psychological interiors. "The red umbrella was swept away by the wind." I just communicated that image to your brain.
The internet does not have that power. And yet Literature/English departments are endlessly under attack, always threatened with closure or defunding. Most of us Lit profs just want to make sure reading books remains a part of the arsenal for living a decent life.
6
@Clarice I've wondered about how schools teach literature. I dare say reading is the most self sustaining habit you can acquire. The best a good teacher can do is suggest the right titles to the most likely candidates and hope they result in marriage. Looking back some of my most treasured books were urged upon me - and some titles never took. But I continue to turn the page.
2
This is beautiful and made me cry remembering my mom, somehow buying us books in a small town in WV with no bookstore. She read to us and made sure we visited the bookmobile regularly. What a gift she gave us.
2
Reading changed my life. I can think of no better endeavor for your son.
2
Wonderful!
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.....let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness," (Gibran) but yes, tinged with a bit of sadness. I can't imagine what it will be like for this boy to discover his father's writing....it will be epic. Thanks for this piece, and please write one when he comes to you after reading your work for the first time.
1
Love this!
"The Sympathizer" is an amazing book, a must read.
1
For adolescent readers who may struggle, or who don’t find reading text as engaging as computer games, try LiveINK, for deeper immersion. This article is available in LiveINK at: http://www.liveink.com/Walker/Losing_Son_to_Reading.htm
2
What better tradition than to become a family that reads together? Many parents read to their children right through high school. Is there any better pleasure than hearing a book, even a familiar one, read aloud to us? We read to sick people because it is so healing. Lively discussions of books read and shared at dinner and on vacation create deeper relationships. Even grandparents enjoy hearing a young adult adventure novel read aloud. Dear Sir, you are a writer: release your ennui and lead your family in reading.
My mother read to me:
Mother Goose
Aesop's Fables
The Jataka Tales
The House at Pooh Corner
Charlotte's Web
Tom Sawyer
Huckleberry Finn
and many more...
The best part was that almost all that reading happened while wearing pajamas.
3
This piece is really beautiful.
1
I remember exactly when I began learning to read. It was the 3 day of first grade in a Catholic school in San Antonio, Texas. The Sister wrote letters on the black board and then she called on us to replicate the letters on the black board. When I was called for my turn I made the letter 'h' instead of the 'n'. Using her thumb, she erased the extended line and explained that letters must look like they sound so that when read they would sound like they were understood.
I loved that discovery at that moment; I might be able to write down what I thought the same way I might sing about how I felt, and the same way I could paint what I felt inside.
The world was a wonderful place then. No more guessing about what or why someone was angry or crying.
Too bad I didn't realize math was the language of numbers until I was much older.
35
When you can read, you can take any journey, be anyone you want to be. But you can close the book and instantly be home again.
As a teenager, I read to have a life that was different from that of my parents. They had never gone to college, traveled, lived in a big city, or of the other things that I hoped to do and did do. Books helped to give me those ideas and helped reassure my parents that I would be okay.
As an adult, I enjoyed sharing books that I loved with my mother and father, who were both avid readers. My mom lived into her 90s and I knew she was faltering when she began to savor books just a bit less and miss some of the subplots. Eventually, she lost much of her vision and was unable to read which was an immense loss. She was truly adrift and bereft without books.
She died five years ago, but when I love a book, I still often think of how much my mother would have enjoyed it too. Reading together is truly the tie that binds. Treasure it. I can assure all that it transcends even death.
61
My heart broke the day that my son came to me with the announcement that I didn't need to read to him any more. He must have known how important those reading times were to me, because he brought my wife, his mother with him to make the announcement.
Plunk when the strings of my heart.
Great essay. Viet Thanh Nguyen, I hope your son appreciates the great Gift you have given him
40
Earlier in an exchange with a friend at Versailles, I mentioned in passing that I found on the web, a photograph of my mother holding a large book in her hand with a smile, while her young son at the time, known as 'the child of the first bed', is looking up to her with such love and delight, the meaning of 'she meant the world to him', comes to light.
She was to lose him in her wish for him to become independent, and now, a grey beard, he still feels the sting of rejection. A solitary soul, he was to bury himself in the world of books, and sometimes slept on a bench in Central Park, when it was too late to come home at night.
My father encouraged us to read. He was out and about on the town, sometimes listening to jazz in Harlem; sometimes gone for three days on a prowl.
After all this time, the years long gone, the alliances, the separations, the friendships, the joys and sorrows, nobody has ever read to us at any age.
Our reading has never been censored. We are independent in our thinking, but Mr. Nguyen, you have inspired this reader to send this lost photograph to my sibling, because he might understand that his mother loved him.
My father was an author, and when far away at school, I used to send him postcards, telling him that all was well, ending with "Daddy, please write to me", but he never did.
Perhaps your son has the best of both worlds, and one day, he might be reading to you; reading your golden essay to him long ago, on a lingering summer day.
50
Upon entering the kindergarten door for the first time, my daughter turned to me and said, "I have no intention of learning how to read." I muttered something like, "OK." Many years later, after her college graduation, I reminded her of what she said on that day. I asked her why she didn't want to read and she said, "Because I thought if I learned how to read, you would never read to me again."
134
@tumpajo
Love this - so sweet
Shared reading can be yours forever, and must be for years. A child's listening level is years ahead of reading level through elementary school. Even as they learn to read, you'll read aloud together many books they cannot yet read alone. Continuing to share books is one of life's best things! Ask a librarian if you need help finding titles. :) I am a K-5 librarian, and share this truth with families every single year.
101
@Amy, K-5 librarian
My son and I read books aloud when he was in high school, and I hope he reads books to me when I am old. Reading may seem solitary but it connects us.
1
Actually you should continue to read to him through high school. The length of text will vary, as will the genre. For now sharing informational books and discussing the pictures or side by side reading aloud a picture book - you reading the page on the left and he the right page are important as you are nurturing his reading. As you discuss concepts and vocabulary, you and your son will share many special moments.
Eventually you'll both be reading the same adult books and discussing them and their authors. That is most enjoyable as well.
4
Through high school?! I don’t know whether to cringe at the thought of your average 16 yo cuddling up to you for you to read to her, or to ask: assuming they move away, why not call them up in their 30s to do the same? Or do we assume you’d prefer they just live at home?
3
@Pam Farris
I agree with you. Especially the part as it relates to informational text, interpreting Images graphs charts Etc. These are the skills that students need to deal in a world of information. to be successful in middle school high school and college you have to be able to interpret Informational text as opposed to narrative text and most children's reading does not prepare them for that process.
1
What a wonderfully written piece! My mom taught me to read before I started school. I think she did it to save her sanity, as my brother and I kept asking her to read the same book to us at bedtime. In the 1960s the District of Columbia let children have library cards when they were 6, and the day after my 6th birthday my mom took me to our local library branch to get my card. When the librarian handed it to me, my mom said "now you can read anything you want whenever you want", then she helped me pick out my first books to take home.
3
Completely outstanding. Entirely consistent with cherished and lasting influences in childhood, with the contribution of universal frame of reference. One simply must add, that the affection for language acquired in this way, compels the most implacable rejection of the incumbent President of the United States. It would sustain the same objection to his doppelganger, Putin, except it is impossible for the President of Russia to betray my country.
3
What a gorgeous piece. I have a four year old, and I am so excited for the book adventures we share now and for all those ahead — though I know I will both mourn and celebrate the day that he reads alone in bed at night, instead of snuggled against me, listening. Books are one of the greatest gifts I can give him, and I believe I’m joyously, thoroughly spoiling him in that regard. We share a love for the library, and all those amazing countries with not a single border guard to be found.
3
We also continued to read to our children long after they actually learned to read on their own, especially at bed time. Now that they are older, it has turned into a shared love of audiobooks on family vacations. While it is not the same thing as snuggling up with your child on a bed, listening together to a book allows for literary discussions that we otherwise wouldn't have if we were reading the books separately.
3
I will never forget how my parents read books for me as a child. For years, it was part of our bedtime routine.
As I'm writing "read books" though, all of a sudden I realize that the only books I remember were books with drawings and only one or two sentences per page. We then discussed the drawing, and that's it. I don't remember them reading books with mainly sentences, for instance. Maybe that was because they didn't know those books existed, as my parents actually never read books themselves ... ?
I soon learned reading myself, fortunately, and then became the "bookworm" of the family.
I don't know whether my parents felt any regret when I began reading myself, but ... I know that I did, once I became an adult and started to realize how much books can change your life and who you are as a person.
My parents came from working class families, and I'm the only one in the entire family (kids of the siblings of my parents included) who went to college.
It allowed me to get access to a totally new world, and to acquire an intimacy with my own thought and emotions that my parents and siblings will never have ... which actually alienated me from them more than a college degree in itself (after all, many students in college don't like to read books, paradoxically ...). Until this day, I continue to long for the days when there was real, emotional attunement between me and them, as my father was reading a wonderful book about a day in the life of a mice family ...
8
What a beautiful op-ed, thank you for this!
2 things:
1. "The better my parents were at taking care of their children by working endless hours, the less time they had to spend with us. It was the classic immigrant and refugee dilemma — sacrifice yourself for your children and in the process sacrifice your intimacy with them."
Unfortunately, that's also the case for tens of millions of Americans whose (grand)parents were born here. As long as DC keeps wages artificially low by passing one tax cut after the other for the wealthiest Americans all while making ordinary life (HC, education, cars, ... ) more expensive for the other 99%, parents will be forced to focus on material things and sacrifice the other, not less important aspects of parenthood. So it's sad to say, but this kind of experience isn't limited to the kids of first generation immigrants...
2. Study after study shows how important reading stories to young children is: it develops their language skills, and even more importantly, it strongly helps to create a secure attachment relationship, which is the very foundation of emotional well-being, focus, productivity and even physical health for the rest of their lives.
Once they can read themselves, however, the need for intimacy with a parent doesn't disappear, quite on the contrary. Now, intimacy relies on more complex parenting skills, such as emotional attunement/intelligence, which is even more satisfying, as for instance Dr. S. Tsabary's books show ... :-)
9
My parents and older siblings read to me. I was so jealous of their reading ability. I finally caught on and learned to read for myself late in 1st grade. I am still crummy in math. I was actually moved ahead two grades to take English-reading with older students in upper grades. I'll be fine as long as you don't ask me to do a long division problem. I look back at learning to read as something of a liberation and a significant step in my life. I still -always- have a book going (whatever interests me at a given moment). I was so happy to see so many young people (and even some adults) so very enthused about the Harry Potter series. Even though a child reads on her own, she can still read with family members or older siblings and discuss passages of a book.
3
The bond is not lost. It just goes dormant until you turn 70 like me. I now remember all those supposedly forgotten hours curled up with my father wandering all around the world thru the pages of the books we read together.
2
My daughter is a bookworm like me. I read to her when she was a baby and she picked it up very quickly. She’s ten now and is a very independent reader. She doesn’t like reading with me because I’m too slow for her!!
On the other hand, if only I could loose my son to reading. He’s eight and is on the autism spectrum. Getting him to open a book at all is a nightly battle. I fear I have lost him to Minecraft, Fortnite and his rituals and routines.
2
@Kay,
You could always read your son 'The Riot's Act', although it may fall on deaf ears, and he might have a preference for cartoon books with a leaning toward vernacular English; or, a copy of The National Geographic where he asks you 'what does it say' before he goes to sleep, might be worth exploring on these reading endeavors.
1
This is a beautiful essay.
9
You never have to stop reading together. My little one became a bookworm this past year. She reads some books alone, we read some books together (swapping off pages) and sometimes only I read (character voices are always more fun if someone else does them). As she gets older, We can read a book in tandem and discuss it together like my mother in law (an English teacher) did with my husband as a child.
3
PART OF THE PROCESS OF PARENTING Involves watching kids grow and thrive, becoming more independent over time--more self-reliant. My wife and I have seen the change in our graondson, now 8, since the time we began providing day care for him as a 5 month old. He's still very close to us, but is capable of doing many more things on his own than when he was little. Yes, it's a loss. He doesn't want to climb on my lap and watch great stuff on the Internet with me anymore. But I know that he still feels the love and remembers all of the great science, music and art we watched and listened to together. That's nature's way. Human infants have the longest span of time from birth to independence of any species. Which makes it even more difficult to leave go, since it's difficult to know when the complex skills are sufficiently developed that a child achieves maturity and enters adulthood.
3
I am not a parent so I do not have any family-friendly stories of reading to my children. I have occasionally read to a girl-friend's child but that didn't happen enough that I had (in computer parlance) opened a folder on the subject. As for my parents I don't have much recollection of them reading to me (I remember very little before the age of 5) but I am sure my mother read to me when I was 2,3,4. My father was a reader though, even had a small bookcase full of books, and had a tag in the books indicating they belonged to his "library". So while we did not trip over books in my house they were respected, although neither of my parents went to college. Actually the inspiration that encouraged my fondness for reading was my big brother. He was 4 ½ older than me, a tough guy, belonged to a gang (it was the Bronx on the '50s, so that means they hung out in a candy store and smoked). He would enlist in the Marines at 17. He loved to read. I would borrow his paperback Westerns (he seemed to have dozens). We both moved on to more serious stuff. All these years later I still always have a book in progress and the next one lined up yet my big brother has read 3 or 4 books to my 1. But a book count it not important, it is the enjoyment and the learning. By the way that Marine became a middle-manager in IT and a Deacon in the church.
4
As far as I can recollect, my grandmother, mother, dad, and aunts have read to me. But no one was more helpful than my cousin.
She was my age, perhaps six or seven, then. The adults read to me, but were not fond of repeating the lines. I was always lost in thoughts related to the story and missed parts of the narration. My cousin was patient enough to repeat the lines to me - her impatient brother, while I imagined the settings and characters of the stories.
English was the third language that I spoke.
Later in school, I trusted her with recommending some of the best stories and writers - O. Henry, Agatha Christie and Oscar Wilde, among many others. I recall impressing girls with the names of great writers, which she recommended to me.
Further later, as I majored in Engineering and she in English and Mathematics, we rarely discussed literature. She became a teacher and we hardly have kept in touch - until one day, a couple of years ago. I landed on a beautiful short story in an English daily. I sent it her way. She loved the writing style of the author.
This article pushed me to think for the first time - who read to me that kindled an urge to follow great literature? It was my cousin.
Now we all live in different places and haven’t been in touch for a while, again. My brother recently mentioned that she was visiting and read a couple of stories to my four year old nephew.
Thank you dear sister!
6
What a great essay, thank you! I grew up being called “bookworm” (and not caring too much) by my younger siblings because I would bring books with me to read in any almost situation (some of dubious appropriateness). I look back with fondness on those days and have my parents, especially my mom, to thank for helping to nudge me down that path. I have soon-to-be 3 and 5 year old sons who I hope will enjoy reading as much as I did at their ages all the way through to my age now. Tonight I read them a few pages of the Jungle Book. In writing this brief comment I’m taking a break from my current book (Men Against the Sea) which I will take back up while I sip an IPA, grateful to my wife for sleeping with the kids as I enjoy a short time to myself downstairs in the lobby of our hotel. I also am struck by the comments to this piece. It’s refreshing in our difficult political climate to see so many caring and perceptive responses in striking contrast to the invective that usually follows anything that touches on politics!
6
You aren't losing your relationship with him. You raise your child with roots and wings, the wings are at times books of course. If a parent 'loses' a child, it will have nothing to do with giving him an interest in reading.
3
My parents never read to me, but they did belong to a " book of the month " club and read for pleasure themselves. When I could read well enough to want books for myself, they encouraged my reading and bought books for me. I am 63 now and being a "reader" is probably one of the most defining things about me.
4
I must be an outlier here. My mom stopped reading to me when I was five. I read on my own since then. I was studying college chemistry texts in the 8th grade and in high school went to the University Library almost every weekend from 11th through 12th grade, 45 miles each way. But this timing was from the early sixties to 1974. I guess it is different now.
I did not lose any relationship. My parents were observant enough to help me progress as I could.
For me, to have an adult read to me past the point I could read for myself, would have been insulting.
2
it's beautiful to see him reading at 5, and challenging to keep him reading of 15. May he always find books as magical as they are now. They can be.
3
Thanks for a thought-provoking and poignant essay,
2
Don't worry. You aren't losing your relationship with your son, even as he develops his own relationship to the characters he reads about independently. Maybe you two can find new ways of sharing literature, like having him share with you the storylines he's reading, or describing to him some books that meant a lot to you, or trading reactions to works both of you know.
It's just the next step, not a closed door.
5
I read to myself, and my dad continued to read to me until I was 12 or 13. Then, I also read to my much younger sister, the kids I babysat for, and eventually my own daughter. Don’t stop reading to your son! You can read him more difficult and/or complex books. So fun!
8
Lovely and thoughtful read, but please continue to encourage your son to visit the public library. In fact go with him. Teaching him to use the library encourages participation in the community and taking advantage of a public good with his neighbors. The free and unfettered distribution of information and knowledge that public libraries provide also helps promote democracy itself. We should all use our public libraries!
20
You will always be his best teacher. You taught him to learn the most important thing - to see with his own eyes and not through the eyes of others. The foundation of justice is the independent search for truth.
25
Please don't stop reading to him! My son and I read together till he was about 13. (In fact, we sometimes still read things to each other ... he's 25 now.)
In addition to being wonderful time spent together, it's always good to read even to children who can also read to themselves. One doesn't have to replace the other, both are valuable! You can read aloud things that are a bit more advanced than what he can read on his own, and you'll be helping him become a better reader, increasing his vocabulary and comprehension, and talking about things that even if he could decode the words on his own, he might not grasp the nuances. This is win-win.
(I admit, there were a couple of occasions where we started reading something together, and he informed me he'd rather read it on his own. I knew this was a good thing, but I admit it made me a little sad.)
Congratulations on your son learning to read!
BTW, I'm not sure it's true most people don't remember learning to read. I do.
18
I remember the bittersweet time when my son decided he no longer wanted me to read to him--he preferred reading on his own. He was 10 and I had just bought A Wrinkle in Time and looked forward to sharing it. But, that was no longer something we would do together. And 37 years later I still remember--and I am now going through the same bittersweet end of sharing the love of books with my granddaughters.
8
As much as I thoroughly enjoyed reading to my children, I was happy to see them reading on their own and choosing their own books to devour. I felt as though part of my work as a parent was accomplished and they were on their way to discovering worlds and ideas on their own. My daughter is having her first child and instead of toys or ‘things’ for the baby, she requested books. We all gain when books are read.
17
@Jsbliv,
On a warm summer day, young Alice is sitting next to her sister on a river bank, feeling tired because the book her sibling is reading has no pictures, when she sees a rabbit remove a watch from his waistcoat, and follows him down a garden hole.
'Wake up, Alice dear! said her sister. "Why what a long sleep you've had!". "Oh, I've had such a curious dream", and she tells her sister of all her strange adventures. The author of 'Wonderland', Lewis Carroll, never mentions parents in this classic. Alice travels on her own, where she shows a spirit of independence, mixed with curiosity and civility at a young age.
Congratulations to your daughter and you, awaiting the arrival of a little parcel delivered by a heavenly stork, with a mile of good books to read.
1
This was a lovely read. There's no reason why you still can't have a tradition of reading to your son (and he to you, when he's a little older or now if he feels confident enough.)
6
English was my second language as well and I also remember getting teased in 1st or 2nd grade for mixing up 'chicken' and 'kitchen.' This was a sweet article.
6
Don’t forget that the reading adventures begin all over again once one is a grandparent.
My husband wasn’t (usually) home from work in time to read to our kids before bed; that was my pleasure.
But he’s always read to our grandkids, and a favorite picture in my head is of him sitting in the rocker, reading to the younger pair who are curled up on the bed with their dad, all avidly listening.
14
'Losing' a child to avid reader is one of the best problems a parent could have.
Also, lovely writing. Thanks for this.
66
reader = reading
There's some irony is that typo. :)
My 10 and 13-year olds love to read, and still love to be read to. It's a great time for us to have together. Independent reading shouldn't be a signal of no longer having the joy of being read to, or reading to a child. Now, we take turns reading a shared family book.
19
I read to both of my boys, now age 29 and 27 for a very long time. We read Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter probably until 7th grade. Those were some of my favorite times. They are both great readers as adults.
My mother always had a book going and I HAD to read lots of books each summer for school. Those were great times that I cherish. I hope they do too!
6
My favorite moments with my granddaughters (5 and 2) are reading. They curl up on my lap and i reread their favorite picture books. The five year old has the words memorized and corrects me when I miss a page or paraphrase a word. My daughter and I shared books many years ago and she and her husband are continuing the tradition. My granddaughter says reading is sharing. I agree.
12
I once had a reading addiction. I was in my late 20's and I got so enthralled with reading I couldn't put any book down. Old novels with outdated syntax, cookbooks, instruction manuals, I was hooked! Often coming to the end of a great story my friends would find me overcome with despair. Later the despair began to hit at the rising climax. At those moments only a dramatic or wacky deus ex machina could put me out of the slump, but only until the last word on the last page. I became anti-social, and were it not for the intervention of a few illiterate friends who saw a tragedy in the making I would still be "a worm who never goes into chrysalis" as one of my entomologist buddies put it. Or was he an etymologist? I get those two professions mixed up! "You never come out anymore. When was the last time you saw a good TV show or let commercials affect your social ethos?" With their help I soon began attending Reader's Anonymous meetings and found common measure with many other addicts (instead of twelve steps they have twelve chapters). I was cured! I do have to watch it, though. Sometimes scouring news sites I have to remind myself to only read the headlines and look at the pictures and dope things out from there. And watch a lot of TV and Netflix and whatever Amazon calls it's video service! Movies are okay as long as I leave before the credits roll.
3
My 13 year old son came home from the library the other day with the strange choice of Roth’s “So I Married a Communist.” Unbeknownst to him, the character of the veteran-turned-blacklisted English teacher was based on my great uncle, who was a young Roth’s mentor. That my son serendipitously reached into the stacks and picked out a piece his own family’s history felt miraculous to me. Like any good teenager, he was nonplussed.
27
Some of my best memories as a dad was reading to my son and going to primary school to read to his class. The shared experience and intimacy is something I will never forget.
It also gave me such pride when I would find him reading for the sheer joy of it or to learn something on his own.
Sometimes, as a parent, you question yourself and then there are times you know with certainty you’ve done well. Reading to Matt was mine.
12
My Mother often told us about how proud she was when she got her first, very own library card: she was 7. She was a reader her whole life and earned an MLS from Columbia along the way. When people discover I don't have a TV, they can't figure out how I spend my time. "I read," I tell them, having inherited that love from my Mother. Yes, reading can make us independent, not just of the parent we no longer need to read to us, but also of the parent's ideas, beliefs, etc. But inheriting the love of reading from your parent(s) creates a lasting bond.
42
@meh Me too, no tv. Large type on an Apple huge monitor. Seven daily newspapers; two magazines. Kindle. People have forgotten how close attention Apple pays to handicaps.
1
I agree completely with the idea that a parent who shares a love of reading with a child who then learns to love to read in turn creates a lifelong bond with that child that is powerful. It might not be easy at first, television was a fierce competitor, but a parent can simply remove the television. This was done in our house for more than 10 formative years for our child and he is a profoundly different adult because of it. Save money, maybe even save America.
1
@meh
I haven't had a TV in the house since 2003.
Once, when I was teaching at a junior high school, a 7th grade student returned from an illness. I asked her what she did during the days she was sick at home.
She said she watched TV.
I said I didn't have a TV.
She said What are you? Some kind of Amish?
1
For a kid knowing how to read and then indeed do it is the best thing we can stimulate. What I have experienced myself though is being forced at schools to read certain books or obey instructions to stay away from certain authors. Brainwashing comes to mind here - kids should follow their own instincts and interests; the sooner the better.
13
I have fond memories of reading the Harry Potter books to my son. Even when he became proficient enough to read them on his own, I insisted that we do it together, especially with the last two books having such dark themes. It gave me a chance to have deeper conversations about the disturbing events.
I was sad when we finished the last book because I knew that I would not have this close experience again.
5
Keep reading to your son. It is more important at 5 than his learning to read. (Lots of kids become fluent later.) Around fourth grade students encounter language more common in written reading than the more limited oral language vocabulary. He will be well prepared for this transition if you have been reading to him. And the sharing is priceless.
19
My son is 8, and now he reads to me. But I know what you mean - it's part of the eternal heartbreak of being a parent: you are training your child to not need you.
50
@reader
While you may face a future not being so "needed" it's likely it will be a future where the relationship is wanted. Should that be the outcome, it's the best reward of parenting.
8
The love of reading is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. The books you bring into your home, your trips with your child to the library, your hours writing, your time spent elsewhere than in front of a TV -- all set for your child a priceless example.
Reading is on the one hand an early break from parental control, on the other a step by your child toward a peer-to-peer relationship with you & toward a thinking & adult relationship with the world. And there is every reason to hope that your child someday will follow your example & pass on these gifts to the next generation.
Mother & reader Mamie, Librarian Lucy W., rest in peace -- & thank you for installing in me a love of reading!
20