Thank you for sharing your story. Like some other commenters, it is very similar to my own. I grew up thinking that I was wrong in some way, or not good enough (though I always tried to make him happy) because he never showed the love that I so craved. Later, I learned that he had always suffered from depression.
Like you, my parents divorced and he remarried. My childhood need to try to make him happy was firmly ingrained so we did have regular contact. A decade before he died, he was more upbeat, but asked many times if I was depressed and with access to firearms.
My father was found when I was at work. He had used a gun purchased 10yrs prior without anyone knowing. After looking through the computer’s history and personal emails that he sent to himself, my dad’s medication had never fully helped and he tried acting ‘normal’ until the time it was too much for him to go on.
Our fathers lived with something that really only they could understand. They both made the choice to end their lives. And it is now our burden to live on, carrying the weight of unanswered, “what if’s?” I hope you do not take to heart any of these people that are writing about how you have had any part in what happened. No one - not you, not I, not your father, not mine, are to blame. In making that choice, as terrible as it is for those of us left behind, they are now free of pain and hurt. I never did truly see my father happy, so I hope that he is now and I hope the same for your father as well.
4
I keep reading comments that the father "tried his best". If you have lived with an abusive father like I did, you would never say that. My father thought we were not his biological children (even though we are). He referred to me so often as "my wife's daughter" that our neighbor asked me one day when I was an adult where my father lived. I grew up with a verbally abusive father who made our lives a living hell. Looking back, he was depressed and angry and determined to make everyone around him unhappy. ( and he succeeded). It took me years to realize that I was a good person, not the big failure he made me believe I was. Don't ever look down at or judge so harshly a son or daughter who chooses not to have a relationship with a parent who has caused so much misery.
7
It is interesting to see how many equate suicide with mental illness. Many people find it hard to believe that someone may decide to suicide without necessarily being mentally ill.
Clearly the father had problems which he did not articulate and which left others bereft, including his stepchildren and his daughter the author. But it is NEVER anyone's fault that a person decides to suicide.
5
So sorry for your loss. So many lost years. So much loss that didn't have to be...
2
A very sad story indeed and I feel so sorry for all involved. Mental illness and depression must be addressed in our society. I've seen people who seem to have very happy lives attempt suicide (I'm a nurse) and others who succeed at it. Like someone commented the older you get the more understanding and forgiving one can be. I'm grateful for that ability now.
3
While the story is sad and disturbing in many respects, what strikes me most is how the father obviously gave no thought to the repercussions of his attempted "murder." What if someone had been arrested and charged for this "crime"? Thank goodness for a police department and medical examiner who investigated alternate theories.
10
@MMS
An alternate theory but maybe not the real method used. I'd like to know what else was used to determine this "suicide". I'll acknowledge powder burns but what else?
Some of the comments are hard on the writer. Let's remember that a seventy-year-old knows what it's like to be thirty but a thirty-year-old can only imagine what it's like to be seventy; the father would have forgiven her for the snubs and harsh words. As for his means of death, couldn't that have to do with life insurance? Or did he simply wish none in his family to know how sad he was in his final years?
16
@Bridgman
the writer states that her father "My father never hit me. He rarely yelled. But he was withdrawn and distant" sounds like very typical "fathering" for that time. Estrangement seems to be part of family cultures and that is something the author should hope doesn't continue in her new family. There are so many times parents aren't perfect human beings, but care deeply for their children. Let's just hope that as her children mature into their 30's they have a more forgiving attitude toward their parents than she did to her father. Life happens, even to the best of parents, illness, divorce, job loss and parents become focused on immediate issues. Was she safe? Fed? provided for? helped through college? Maybe he did the best he could. Hopefully she will be a better mother and her children will be kinder children.
2
Parental estrangement, which is a large part of this story, is complicated, & we're only hearing one side of the relationship. Commenters here making judgments about the father need to remember that.
I experienced a much more abusive father, & certainly can understand the healing perspective that literal & physical distance can provide. But for this author to ignore her father for so many years, & not even allow him @ her wedding - when he had repeatedly reached out to her - reveals an unforgiving & punitive woman. How truly sad.
I hope this author will come to a place where she can see her father as a man suffering his own arc through life, apart from only being her father, & have empathy & then forgiveness for his failures & mistakes. It will be better for her own growth, & for her life as a mother.
14
@Mme Flaneuse
I agree with you whole heartedly. As I read this article and saw how many times this father reached out to the author and she ignored him, I felt a sting in my heart.It felt very cruel. He may have been a withdrawn, depressed father, but depression is an illness. As time went by and he tried again and again to open up to you, I just felt his pain as you ignored him. Why do you think you couldn't forgive him, or at least hear his story?
I hope you find peace in your heart and that you see a therapist to prevent further coldness i your relationships.
1
The reason I think this hits me so hard is because I am both the child and the parent in this story. I spent nearly 20 years avoiding my father, only to finally forgive him when he was an old man in failing health. Regrets? Yes, many. But I am so thankful that I didn't wait until it was too late.
Now I am the father who has a 23 year old daughter who will have nothing to do with me. Yes, there was a nasty divorce, and yes, she sided with my ex. I too have tried to open lines of communication and have been met with silence, just as I have spent birthdays and Father's Days with no communication. Regrets? Yes, many. But I will keep trying until I open the lines of communication.
I can only imagine how pained your father was inside, and yes, it sounds like he struggled with depression. What I have learned is that none of us are perfect, and that we end up walking the same flawed paths as our parents in many cases. What I would tell you is to realize that you didn't cause your father to end his life, and most importantly, you need to allow yourself to heal. You have experienced a loss, and sharing this loss with others can be cathartic. God bless you.
24
@Jon Tanner I agreed with you right to the last lines. Then, no! If she's going to be honest, she did have something to do with her father's suicide. To say otherwise is an insult to her story and the person she will become. Her father suffered, and perhaps her cold shoulder was enough to convince him of carrying out his own suicide. We'll never know but she can be honest about her role.
3
@Jon Tanner
What a thoughtful, wise, and kind response. Yes, no one is ever responsible for someone else's suicide. That can never be said enough.
I hope that your daughter matures and moves to re-build your relationship before too long. And I hope for peace of mind and a happy family life for the author.
4
I remembered when my mom told me she wanted to jump off a bridge with my sister and I. It didn't happen because at that time someone was passing to ask her what was wrong? Sometimes we can't understand how mental crisis can affect so much. I appreciate she told me the story, she was going through a lot with my alcoholic father.
I think we can't blame them for the decisions they thought it was the best to be away of the pain.
Today, I realized that mental illness need to be addressed and faced. We need to bring more awareness.
11
I appreciate this back story to one of Florida's odder recent tragedies. My parents came from very different families, one happy, the other, immigrants, not, though the two children were high achievers, benefitting enormously from New York's schools. My mother occasionally let on about lasting physical damage from her early years and finally provided some details in old age.
1
Thank you for sharing - this hits very close to home for me also.
3
I cannot avoid the irony in this. First let me say with total confidence that there is no fault to be found around suicide. In many ways it is just a terminal disease.
But when the author says , "My father was tormented by something. By what, we don’t know." And then follows that (actually precedes, which is revealing) with the fact that she "had not called him on his birthday in 15 years... told him she was getting married but then said, 'It’s best that you don’t come'" the irony grabs and shakes you.
Again, his torment was not the cause of his death, but it would have been better to have wished him a happy birthday, and invited him to the wedding. Why? At least two reasons. First, the author wouldn't be carrying so much emotional baggage, but second and perhaps more importantly, it would have been the right thing to do.
I know it's hard but we should try to live each day as if it were our last.
20
I don't think there is a "right thing to do" in these situations.
She did the right thing for her, which is so much harder than doing what you claim is "the right thing."
I hope you've never had to make choices as difficult as this.
17
@Motherless Daughter
I disagree with your statement. We forgive so that we may be forgiven.
Don't let other commenters make you feel guilty about a thing. It sounds like you blame yourself for his suicide, and if that's true, then stop. He made the choice to end his life, not you.
Adult children are not required to be a fountain of unconditional love and patience for parents. I'm all for second chances, but second chances have limits.
23
@Andrea, She did NOT give her father a second chance! He asked for one and was denied--repeatedly. This is an honest story; don't make it something maudelin and dishonest.
2
Or perhaps to ensure life insurance? I do not want to intentionally be mean but it is the first thing that came to my mind. My condolences, no matter what, he was your Dad. Peace to your heart.
7
I felt badly after reading this. But mostly for dad. He was clearly depressed and tried his best, including by reaching out several times, and he was treated harshly and rebuffed by his daughter.
I hope for the author’s sake her child is more understanding when she is less than perfect.
21
You're lucky he cared about reconnecting. Some of us never even had that.
23
@Hmmm So very true. Some fathers want nothing to do with their adult children.
1
I certainly hope Ms. Abrahamson doesn't blame herself for her father's death. People are infinitely complicated. It doesn't sound like her anger towards him was baseless. Nor does she know what role that played in his overall assessment of his life. At any rate, she is not responsible for her grown father's behavior.
Of course this needs to be processed. But in the end, I hope Ms. Abrahamson will have the strength to focus on her own family, and bring as much love, joy and happiness to them as she can. That would be the most effective response to this tragedy.
10
If father was so happy with his second family, then why did he continue to plan to suicide? The fact is there doesnt have to be a reason for depression, chronic depression is genetic. It exists in my family, my step family, my husbands family. Most of them chose various medications, some chose suicide, some chose to live in a black hole of negativity that sucked the joy out of those around them. There is a mythology and fantasy that non professionals can do much of anything about this except tell them that there are treatments that help and/or to stay with the treatments and therapy. The non depressed need to learn the limits of how much contact they can reasonably have and accept their own limitations in being able to affect change. We do need better drugs and treatment for all kinds of mental disease and addiction.
13
It's very common for failed dads to make happy new families composed of the woman glad to have a breathing male with her in her mature years and stepchildren who may have complicated relationships with their own father.
I haven't spoken to my father in 28 years. A cousin told me a few years ago that he'd like to be in touch. But when he was in touch with my brother fifteen years ago, it was the usual nasty abusive behavior.
And trust me--a rotten upbringing doesn't doom you to repeat the pattern with your own children. My parents taught me everything not to do with my own child. It was a hard struggle to keep the hurtful words locked inside at times, but I did it, and if I could, anyone can. It is a matter of conscious will, keeping the garbage inside and not letting it poison those to whom you owe the best and not your worst.
Bravo for not falling for the manipulation. He had his hand-picked cheering squad.
23
Such a thought provoking essay. Relationships are so difficult. And parent-child relationships are the toughest. Having a parent who is so self involved that they find it difficult to make space for family, particularly children, is most difficult on the child. Please don't feel guilt. You probably instinctively did the right thing in keeping away avoiding a daily dose of underlying bitterness. Perhaps you searched out happiness to escape this melancholy that infused your childhood.
How terrible that he wanted to leave the world in a confusion of questions. Why did he want his suicide to remain undetected? How terrible if someone had been suspected or convicted of this crime? You made the right decision to be with your mother. Stay happy with your family. Age or death commands civility but not necessarily respect.
14
Wonderful piece -- thank you....
8
I understand your conflicted feelings about your father - I share them. My own father was, by turns, a good dad and horrible parent. He did something in his twenties that affected all of us, something he could never explain, something irrevocable that spelled the end of our family. And while my brother, sister and I all met with him in the last years of his life, he was unable to talk about "the incident", and when I, angered by his inability to shed light on the mystery, shouted, "Do you want to take this to your grave?", he answered, "Yes."
In the 30 years since his death, I have come to understand and to forgive him, but my older brother cannot find it in his heart to let it go. He has been in therapy for many years, and whenever we talk, the subject of Dad inevitably comes up. It is not healthy.
In my experience, it's better to find a happy memory, however small, to hold onto, and through that memory find a way to forgive the faults of your father. Those faults belonged to him, and apparently were too heavy a load for him to bear, so why must you be burdened? Honor your father for his part in your creation, and forgive him for his weaknesses.
28
‘Honor your father for his part in your creation, and forgive his weaknesses.’ - beautifully written. Thank you.
5
This was heartbreaking to read. It reminded me of the intermitently difficult, sometimes estranged relationship that I had with my own dad, who, flat out, I loved dearly; he loved me dearly, too. And all I can say is thank God, at the low points, I didn't whip out any poison-keyboard letters. It's one thing to recognize your anger, it's another to weaponize it.
I understand the hurt Ms.Abrahamson's felt over by her father's neglect, and the jealously she felt over his 'easy to love' step-children. But there are productive ways to deal with this kind of anger, resentment, and hurt, primarily to see a good therapist to help resolve these issues. Her trunk full of anger stymied any potential for the healing, reconciliation, and forgiveness she could have had with her father.
I'm sorry that she ignored him when he reached out to her, just months before his suicide. There was a foresaken opportunity to raise this sunken ship.
15
Why do you assume she hasn’t had any therapy? The writer sounds quite evolved and possessed of emotionally wellness. It also doesn’t sound like these choices came to her easily, something I can very much relate to.
Relationships might only change when BOTH parties are willing to do immense amounts of work to repair the years of pain. But sometimes it is the healthier choice, and not an easy choice, for one party to conclude that the other person is either not yet ready or might not ever be ready to heal.
In the case of such chronically toxic relationships- unyielding pain or discomfort- the healthiest thing a person can do is to choose self-care, self-love and/or confine to value and love all that is good and positive in their lives. Privately one may wish good and peace on this difficult person, not with any hope for...whatever.,,but just so that person might find exactly that, some peace.
Sadly it doesn’t seem the writers dad found it but she was well aware of the path she was on and the path her father was on and it sounds like however difficult (and it is, my own father is almost six years silent - his choice - probably the alcohol and depression, I don’t know but this is not new) she has made the right decisions for herself and her family.
We are not obligated to families if they repeatedly hurt or abuse us and never seek redemption. But we must forgive in our own hearts in order to heal and move on, that’s all. Uninformed judgement is never appropriate.
8
It sounds as though you have forgiven your father. I'm sure he had forgiven you as well. I'm sure you will continue to make mistakes and perhaps some of them will be hurtful to your children or other loved ones in your life. I know they will continue to hurt you as well. We can only do our best and try to love and be loved, try to forgive and be forgiven, try to be kind and to accept kindness where we can find it.
11
@Glassyeyed - forgiven HER? For what?
6
Severely depressed parents leave deep scars on their kids. I know. I understand the author wanting to stay away from her father. It would just be a trigger for continuing anguish. He obviously felt badly about his performance as her father. But there wasn't much he could do about it. Miracle conversions don't happen. Most times, keeping a safe distance or avoiding avoiding contact altogether is the way to be most loving toward and protective of oneself. I was relieved when my depressed mother died. And somewhat sad. But not something I couldn't get over fairly quickly.
6
The takeaway from this thoughtful essay is you don’t have time. It may hurt but keep trying to communicate with your estranged one. I’m sure the writer of this piece wishes she could turn back time and do so. May her example be a lesson to us all
12
Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she chose her own path. One can’t guess.
5
@Marilyn Rosenberg That could be ONE lesson, but another lesson is stick to your intuition and past experience and don't keep trying to fix the unfixable relationship. You have no idea what the author wishes, because she chose, for whatever reason, not to spell that out in this essay. Perhaps she's full of ambivalent feelings, but, on balance, grateful that she didn't revive a relationship with a father who was clearly damaged, and damaged in such a way that was bad for HER environment.
7
Reading your essay, I got a sick feeling in my stomach remembering my own father's death--25 years ago. At that time, a part of me coldly rejoiced that I would not find him on the other end of a telephone again. I adored him and feared him and loved him and hated him and all of these and other complications still reside in a primitive heap in a part of my mind that was laid down when I was a child. In late adulthood, I have accepted that those feelings cannot be sorted because they remain inaccessible to reason. The best I can do today is to forgive us for betraying each other.
29
The author wrote an absorbing, heartfelt, and tragic essay; however, I question her most potent line:
"My dad told us so much about himself in his method. He tried to protect us all. That is how he said goodbye."
While I understand Ms. Abrahamson's need to endow her father with a paternal kindness and sensitivity in death that he didn't show her in life, and while it may very well be true that he wanted to protect his survivors from guilt and tortured questioning, it may also be true that he wanted to be remembered as an eternal victim. Many depressives see themselves as victims -- and, indeed, they may be -- and feel empowered by their victimhood. Perhaps he was being true to himself in death by concocting a tale of a murder victim.
16
This is an interesting theory. As a life long depressive, I can only speak for myself but I don't feel like a victim. I lost my husband one week ago. I'm in great despair and have to stick around cause we have a 2.5yo daughter. I don't feel like a victim but sure would be nice to know why these things happen, to which of course there is no answer so on and on the circle goes.
4
Parents are not perfect, and neither are children.
I really became an adult when I realized and understood that my father and mother really tried to do their best always while we were children, despite their faults.
And I am glad I developed a close relationship with both of them as adults.
The really sad part of the author's story is that her father was trying to reach out to her, but she won't let him.
I bet she could have learnt quite a bit about her father at the end.
A sad story for sure.
32
A man who spends nine years "obsessively searching for ways to end his life" has a relationship with death that no family member can undo. My father, too, shot himself and no one could figure out why. I knew. I could see the inevitable in him from the time I was eight years old -- from the day when we were walking along the beach and he said to me out of nowhere, "I think the 'Grateful Dead' is the best name for a rock group ever."
19
However distant the author’s father was, he did try to reach out to his daughter AFTER she, by her own admission, bombarded him with hateful emails. No wonder she was a person of interest in the murder investigation. I hope his suicide causes her to practice some kindness to others and takes this as a lesson. She failed her father. She has reason to feel guilty. And, yes, I do judge because she’s put herself out there with this article.
35
@Pablo
Writing this article was not an invitation to judge the author. Children can't fail their parents. As parents, our job is parent, not be parented ourselves. I think the author shows remarkable generosity in her attempts to understand why her father failed as her parent.
23
@Pablo
You should realize that the legacy of suicide is sometimes insurmountable. You must forgive this writer and see that she has reached out postmortem to honor her father. He would be very proud. I am very proud of her.
6
@Pablo I agree completely.
2
Your Father’s efforts to conceal his suicide seems like a kindness, though misguided. Every death deals some measure of remorse for survivors: a suicide compounds remorse a thousand times over. His final act seems to me to be an effort to protect people he cared about.
8
Families that don't want children or aren't ready for children are at risk for neglecting and/or abusing a child.
We need to recognize that not everyone can parent a child. WE need to stop expecting everyone to want a child.
Our nation suffers from a huge weight of mental illness. The best solution is family planning and contraception for every person in America who wants it. A planned birth is a wanted child. A wanted child has a better chance of growing up healthy and productive. Prevention is not as sexy as scolding or treatment but it works better.
35
Parents aren't perfect. Neither are children. One of the most difficult things is realizing that our most important relationships have significant limitations.
I often listen to "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics.
12
I am so sorry. Complex parent/child relationships are a minefield to navigate, much less those that include older generation men who were taught to “be men” and not show emotions, and then add in depression.
Please don’t blame yourself. We can’t navigate the road to happiness for others.
I hope your father is now at peace. And I hope you find a way to peace within yourself too.
28
Making and keeping connections to others is a very important predictor of life satisfaction. You can't make up for what you miss in childhood, but you can apply yourself vigorously to finding substitutes for what you went without. If you don't find positive substitutes: friends, partner, community, you are apt to find negative ones: alcohol, drugs, consumerism, gambling.
This father sounds like he was a decent man who lacked the emotional resources to build a relationship with his child, and for awhile he managed to "borrow" another man's family. It was a reasonable substitute, not a perfect one.The author doesn't say whether he sought out a good therapist. I like to think it might have made a world of difference.
10
A deeply honest story of chances missed, forgiveness and understanding not easily given because as Buddha said, "You think you have time."
I grew up an only child of a depressive mother and a father who survived the Holocaust but had lifelong PTSD (before there was a name for it). Her moods were volatile and turned mean and ugly as I grew into adulthood; he was distant and non-communicative and I never really knew him. I had no role models on how to be a good parent and didn't have an idea of how a decent family loves each other until I married into a large family. I spent years trying to earn my parents' love until I became tired of the constant stress and just let go of that need. At 50 I moved back to my hometown to help care for them in their final years, less for them than for me, for closure. I'm glad I did. My conscience is clear and the anger I once felt towards them changed into pity for the love they missed out on. I'm very close to my own four adult children and tell them I love them and am proud of them no matter what.
Sometimes the best way to learn how to be a loving parent is to understand what NOT to do.
68
Leave the baggage behind. You’ll never get into a suicide’s mind. Live your life.
35
"On Thanksgiving, his last one on earth, he sent me a message asking if I wanted to talk. “If so, I’ll call,” he wrote. I never replied. Another read: “Have so much I want to talk about. Maybe one day if you are ready.” I ignored that too. I didn’t feel like dealing with it; there was just too much to unpack. Another day."
I have trouble understanding why she didn't pick up the phone. It sounds like he was reaching out. If it turned out he wasn't sincere she could hang up.
28
Speaking as someone who has a difficult and strained relationship with their father I can say forgive and forget is hard even in adulthood. The scars that form on your heart in childhood do not easily fade. The pain and resulting anger diminish but don’t disappear. It’s hard for the now adult to forgive the man you loved so much as a child when you feel he failed you. Yes he reached out but there is a saying too little too late for a reason.
24
@Lisa: It can be like picking at a scab. Better to not open old wounds, just keep the bandage on.
12
Sounds like she was hurt and didn’t want to be hurt again, which is her right. We don’t have to welcome every attempt at contact from family members.
5
We all make mistakes. We all get old. We all need to be empathetic and not be consumed by prolonged anger, which is detrimental one's mental health
17
May your children always know that they are loved.
21
I am surprised that the question of this poor man's torment was was so mystifying. These Detectives must not have been very psychologically minded.
3
Thank you for sharing this story, Rachel. I had a very complicated, on-again off-again relationship with my own father for 62 years until he died last March. I exhaust myself thinking about and analyzing the terribly toxic and dysfunctional dynamics between the two of us until I have reached a point, with professional help, where I just can’t do it anymore and need to let it go. It’s very sad to have not had healthy role models as dads but we can’t undo it and just need to move forward as best as we can. Sending love and hopes for healing to you and your family.
33
I work in a different field of epidemiology but I do keep up on the literature on suicide epidemiology. Suicide is misclassified very often. Estimates run from 30% to 70% of suicides are misclassified as accidental in the western world. Gun suicide and self hanging are the most accurately classified, while undercounts in other means (overdose, self asphyxia, self poisoning, "falls" from heights, single passenger accidents and others) run very high.
Australia was very instructive. After halving gun access gun suicide seemed to drop. But not only did some of the decline get replaced by other means correctly ruled suicide, there was also a huge increase in self-caused death ruled accident. Peer reviewed work now shows there was a complete replacement of all reduced gun suicide by other means, some properly classified, the remainder in a large increase in self-caused death incorrectly ruled accident. "Accidental" self asphyxia rose 320% in Australia with reduction in guns.
We know the deceased, families and coroners often have an inclination to have the death classified as accidental and not accidental for reasons ranging from social stigma, religion, insurance, to, in the case of interviews with coroners a proven disinclination.
Attempting to make a suicide look like a murder is probably fairly rare, but a suicide ruled accidental, may be not just common, but a majority of suicide, especially where guns are not present.
13
@Pat Suicide runs in my family. 2 uncles on my father's side (although just possibly one of those might have been murder), 1 on my mother's side. My father admitted helping cover up the deaths of his 2 brothers (in one case "it might have looked bad for his wife if I didn't"). A 2d cousin shot himself after murdering his 12 and 14 year old sons. I had planned to kill myself by driving into a concrete bridge the night I graduated from high school (long story, but I decided life was not yet unbearable and I could wait till it was, hence I'm 60 years older now and still waiting). Whenever I hear about a teen dying in a car crash I wonder. Ditto hunting accidents involving climbing over a fence with a gun and drownings when fishing alone. I agree with you on the underreportage of suicide and am fascinated re your report on matters in Australia. This is something that needs to be brought out of the closet.
15
I'm so sorry. But thank you for this article, for making something out of your grief. It helps others.
42
This is simply heartbreaking.
18
As the daughter of a father who goes out of his way to show how much he doesn't care, to show how much the other siblings are so much more deserving of his "love" and praise, I truly empathize. When every communication becomes toxic, it is normal to distance yourself.
52
@David G. Does it matter who's to blame?
2
@David G. Really! Happens all the time when one of the people in the relationship is a narcissist, a malignant narcissist, a borderline, or a psychopath. Why is it hard to believe that a narcissistic parent may play children off one another in a divide and conquer game. Oftentimes one person is responsible for a "poor relationship," unless of course the victim agrees to continue as victim, or scapegoat; however, that's not what I would call a real or healthy relationship.
1
Of course it matters.
There has been so much pressure to get married, have kids, be the ideal family person, compete in the world of comparisons...not quite as much pressure now, but still there.
All of these roles can be fraught, and many of us have few role models for how to cope, build resilience, or even find fulfillment in our perceived missteps, or how to forgive ourselves and one another.
Acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, compromise, gratitude could help us to heal ourselves and one another.
14
Creative suicides aside, the gentleman was a mess and the daughter's story is without redemption except the insanity of wayward guns.
6
@terry brady
Her story is without redemption, and so is much of life. Most people have regrets and familial problems that are never resolved, or if they are resolved it's often within oneself, because that's the most redemption possible. And it seems as though the author is working on that.
8
Thank you for sharing. Don't blame yourself for anything.
85
That's one of the saddest things I've ever read. Powerful.
22
I read the original story and am baffled as to why they didn't find a shell casing.
4
@stephen hoy Lots of guns eject no casing. Revolvers eject no casings. Casing stays in the cylinder until cylinder is manually opened and casing manually ejected. If you pull the hammer back on a revolver before firing it also takes very little force on trigger, meaning risk of the finger needing to be wrapped around trigger and caught in trigger guard after was lower than most other hand guns. Also, if you only intend to fire one shot you can easily alter any semi-auto firearm to not eject casing in about 30 seconds by filing down a tiny nib on the ejector.
6
Thank you for sharing your story. It is real life, warts and all. We all have dirty laundry, but most are not brave enough to air as you have.
It was refreshing to have read a story without any national politics whatsoever, only family politics / dysfunction, very rare in these NYT.
And I agree with the comment from E.D., the deception was terrible.- the shameful waste of police resources. This also gives insight into the person that your father was.
16
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you for writing. You've done well informing us.
20
Thank you for this very personal essay. It is so common for us to think that we are a piece of the despair that led to someone being destructive -- should I have done more, or even done less? But ultimately, in suicide, the person is so deeply inside himself that it is hard for anyone to penetrate the cloud, even when we are not aware there is a thick cloud invisible to the rest of us. If we have never been inside that cloud, it is incomprehensible. But it was not you, not your mother, and probably not even your father who put the cloud around him. But there was no escaping it. We wonder, how could I not have seen this? But really, how could we possible have seen this cloud around a man who was determined to hide it so well? I am very sorry.
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Brave and honest. Easy for us to judge what we haven't lived through. But the truth is, it's hard being human, and we cannot possibly understand one another or even our own motives, despite our desires to. I applaud the writer's attempt to deal honestly with this relationship, and to find meaning and make sense of how to bear its weight.
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Rachel - I'm so sorry for your loss. I sense this piece was driven by guilt. Unfortunately I can very much relate to what you've experienced, and even though my father is still alive I'm plagued by guilt over feelings of anger.
But from what you've written, you mourn the lack of a healthy relationship with your father and feel cheated because of it. Anger, guilt and shame are horrible to live with - so I wish for you that you come to terms with it.
For me, as I'm guessing for most families - it's complicated. My father was probably technically neglected from infancy through childhood. It clearly formed his personality. He has had irrational angry (sometimes violent) outbursts and little empathy. Definitely not good for kids or for a spouse - and my mother suffered horribly. I was so happy for her when they divorced. My anger now is when in conversations, my father blames my mother. He seems to have no memory of his anger. He's in his nineties. I have a lot to work through myself.
We all need good parenting, including our parents. I think many in my parents' generation didn't have that. I wonder about Trump. And I wish for healing with all the immigrant children now re-united with their parents.
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I'm so glad he managed to find a second family that he loved and who loved him. Second chances- all of us should be so lucky.
The author never wanted anything to do with him when he was alive. Why should it be different now that he's dead. I feel sorry for Nora who will never know the strength her grandfather had by being someone who "woke up every day with a smile on his face" despite suffering inside.
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@KCWhen it comes to stories and experiences like the author's, I find it best not to judge.
Life is messy.
No one is perfect.
A thank you to the author for sharing her story.
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@Kelly Agreed that it is best not to judge. But the author judged her father throughout the article.
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@Srini And she judged herself, too, throughout the article.
We're complicated beings. And this story broke my heart. I'm sorry, for the author, her dad, and the rest of his family and friends, that things ended this way.
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Knowing the end, if you could relive the past, what would you have done differently?
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@Ed I'm curious why you ask this question, which seems to invite guilty rumination.
I myself spent decades wondering what I should have "done differently" after my stepfather's 1965 suicide, subconsciously assuming that if I could only figure it out time would reverse course and he would live.
An excellent psychotherapist helped me notice the multitude of non-me factors that propelled his act.
(And your question also seems to assume that if only the author can figure out where she went wrong with her father, she might manage not to cause the suicide of other people down the line.)
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@Ed: this "what if" scenario is useless and hurtful. Time to get on with living.
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The healing begins when you come to terms with the fact that you will never know. You weren't meant to. Wrestling with that may be the most difficult thing you ever do. Good luck.
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There has been so much pressure to get married, have kids, be the ideal family person, compete in the world of comparisons...not quite as much pressure now, but still there.
All of these roles can be fraught, and many of us have few role models for how to cope, build resilience, or even find fulfillment in our perceived missteps, or how to forgive ourselves and one another.
Acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, compromise, gratitude could help us to heal ourselves and one another.
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I'm sorry for your loss. Parental relationships can be hard especially if there have been challenging circumstances. It is easy to blame oneself but you have tried by opening your family to him and attempting to repair the relationships.
Depression requires a lot of support and clinical help to address especially if it is persistent. The fact that you were kind to him and willing to open your world to him is what matters. You did try to move past it but it seems like his demons were always lurking.
Sorry again for your loss.
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@David G Your comment is so harsh.
He seems to have had depression for many years before it consumed him.
For each of us we have to learn to be happy with ourselves before trying to make others happy.
Children who have complicated parental relationships often have lifelong association problems and PTSD. She suffered too and in no way pushed him to die.
Please think of the people involved before being critical - it is easy to judge and hard to experience.
@David G. Did we read the same essay? Her responses, however cool they were, had nothing to do with his suicide, a subject he'd been researching for at least nine years, all the while acting the happy, loving, and beloved family man with his second chance.
"My dad told us so much about himself in his method. He tried to protect us all. That is how he said goodbye."
Yes. He also thought about that (how to protect you all) for nine years. An excruciatingly long time to deal with obvious overwhelming pain. He may not have communicated verbally his love, but his actions spoke very clearly.
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So sad. Family relationships are extremely complex. A sad story and loss of life. I wish these families peace. So many are jolted by a loss like this.
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