Mr. Sollisch: here's another hint at why it's SO GREAT to be a grandparent....you get only the fun stuff, not the "mean parent" or having to discipline...or say "no". (Grandparents only always say "YES!") And you get to sugar them up, and then hand them back to mom and dad....your work is done.
Congrats!
12
Every moment spent with my grandson and granddaughter is unfettered happiness!! (No better way to say it.)
35
I have a 21-year-old. She is gay. I don't know what the future holds in terms of "traditional" or "blood" grandchildren. However, I don't have to wait or pressure HER for little people in my life. There are a multitude of riches in our country in the form of small people who need a grandma, grandpa, gr-aunty, or gr-uncle in their lives. It's my responsibility to see where I am needed.
44
My grandson is 2 and some months. He is smart as a whip and seems to grasp concepts in a way that knocks me out (and would even if he weren't my grandson). I cried for three months when he was first born. You see the past and the future and the beautiful present, and get to see your kids as parents. It's the continuum of life. And it is such a beautiful and moving experience. I feel so blessed. I take care of him two days a week as do his other grandparents. I love him so much. I see the world differently once again.
28
Kinda sad to read. I never had children and my last parent just passed away. I wish I could have given them this thing that makes everybody happy but which I never wanted.
17
@Emery: They had YOU, and one's own children are the most profound human relationship--or should be. Grandchildren are a joyful bonus.
49
My husband and I did day care for our first 2 grandsons (who are 3 months apart in age) and the joke was that their feet never touched the ground for 2 1/2 years! It was the most special time for all concerned. Now they are looking at getting their driver's licenses... My advice is: Don't blink!
21
It's hardly uncommon that parents who fail to connect to their own children reinvent themselves as adoring grandparents.
It's remarkably insidious.
18
Respecfully, sir: You're saying you have **no worries** for new babies being born in the US? I'm terrified for all of us and esp for the new ones.
16
Sadly,a common theme: all about the grandparent's pleasure or pleasing the parents. Expensive pets.
8
Oh come on.
36
The other evening my 20 year old granddaughter asked if she could attend RBG the movie with me. What 20 year old wants to do something with Grandma?! She is the oldest of my four granddaughters, all of whom I love with a feeling I can't describe. I have two wonderful sons who married women I love and admire, but there is something different and special about grandchildren. It must be the time in one's life when these children come along.
39
Grand-kids are the Best!!
I don't know why, some say its because grandparents have less responsibility, others say that grand-kids are all about love.
Maybe I've mellowed with age. I don't know what it is but everything they do is cute.
11
Oh, so many useless things parents worry about with their children that grandparents know are so unimportant. My 18 month old grandson is waiting eagerly for me right now. I have my own business, but I am leaving early because, at age 66, I know what is really important. We are going to walk in the creek together to catch a water snake and some crayfish for his mom. Yesterday I taught him how to catch a butterfly. Then we picked sweet corn and rasberries. I can tell him to go get a net and his stick(all farm boys need a stick) and we'll catch some minnows, and he knows exactly what I am saying. And his parents worry because he cannot say 50 words at this age? And yet he can understand the instructions to go fishing? At nap time, I grumble to him to crawl up in my bed. He points to my side of the bed, says "Papa sleep." One old guy and one young guy, both tired , fall sound asleep. Later, my wife crawls in on the other side and naps too. It's the purest love I give and receive.
116
Enjoy your happiness while you are contributing to the destruction of the planet. Procreating is the most environmentally damaging thing you could possibly do, but it makes you happy.
18
Then start restricting your own energy and resource consumption patterns like not using a computer or cell phone to read and comment on The New York Times.
55
I have a grandson. He just this week left my arms to pursue his future in another state 2000 miles away. I remember one day when he was little and being rambunctious and a little naughty my daughter walked in and observing the scene, said to me, "You would never have allowed ME to do that!" I said, "You know, you get older, you look back on yourself as a parent and learn not to sweat the small stuff." Yes, we have to teach children to take care of themselves, to be accountable, we have to socialize them but it's good when they get that extra love and that little bit more freedom to just BE from grandparents.
18
There is nothing like it. Nothing.
8
There is something uniquely whole in the connection between grandparents and grandchildren. I call it unencumbered love. I have experienced it as a grandchild and I am now seeing it between my parents and my daughter.
I am exploring it in a recent post in Dosa Clafoutis, my blog on multicultural families. http://dosaclafoutis.com/2018/07/05/the-grandparent-connection/
5
Saw the headline without the byline and thought, I'm sure that's written by a man because the NYT would not publish an essay on the front page, above the fold, on such a pedestrian, domestic subject as the joys of grandparenting by a woman. Scrolled down. I was right.
Which does nothing to diminish the essay or the joys, which I am very much looking forward to some day.
16
Beautiful text!
I am a 9 months’ old grandfather and each and every word of this « témoignage » is to me, right to the point. A Love supreme, to quote J. Coltrane!
13
We are all thrilled that you--and every other grandparent--loves the new babies. But PLEASE don't foist them on everyone else. I am so tired of coworkers and friends' parents constantly showing pictures, sharing videos, clogging emails and dominating workplace conversations with baby stories, and--God forbid--insisting we say hi to babbling babies/toddlers over the phone.
This goes for anyone who goes overboard with something--puppies, kittens, religion. Share your joy, but moderate it, please?
18
If only it were that easy.
I too am an infatuated grandfather X3. My youngest is Jack, with whom my wife and I spend every Tuesday. I'm writing a book titled "Tuesdays With Jack," filled with love.
But there's more. My life and the book will also consider the weighty responsibilities we grandparents have. Boys and men in America are deeply damaged. Witness the increasing exposure of male entitlement, sexual assault and mass violence (98% committed by males).
While I treasure every moment with Jack, I also consider every comment, every choice, every response in light of the man I hope he will be. I had a long, successful, satisfying career. This is now my "work" as well as my unfettered joy.
32
Since Avery will definitely be attending an Ivy League university, open up a 529 in her name immediately!
6
yes, we can "fall in love again"!
6
I was waiting for my grandchildren at the airport. Then I heard running steps and suddenly, “Grandma, I wuv you.” My heart just melted.
30
Awfully sorry to be one, sour note in this concerto of joy, but -- as an unmarried gay man in his sixties with no children, let alone grandchildren -- I'm weary of being prodded to thrill and coo over my siblings' parade of grand-offspring. Yes, they are cute and endearing and say the darndest things, but, but, but...
Dear Grandparents: Show me ONE photo of little Cory or little Tiffany; don't show me FORTY. Recount ONE anecdote about their latest daycare capers; don't regale me for hours. I truly am happy that you are finding such joy and fulfillment in being grandparents, but don't expect me to go all dimply if you start talking diapers when I want to talk baseball.
23
Hang out with other people, then. I’m sure there are non-grandparents who talk baseball.
I’m not a grandparent but I understand the besottedness of those who are.
25
@Kim Murphy
Bravo, Kim. Well put. As also not a Grandparent and someone who wishes he had the chance of knowing his better, seeing the joy my Daughter brought to my parents and they to her, I think it could be a joy unparalleled.
5
We chose not to have children, to reproduce consumers of earth's finite resources. Glad you and your ongoing generations are enjoying yourselves.
11
You seem nice.
24
Without some children we would be extinct as a species in one generation. Do you like being alive? Why selfishly deprive others?
12
If the baby knew the life it was involuntarily thrust into and could speak, he might, paraphrasing Kierjergard, complain that she was not given a chlice and ask who was in charge to voice a complaint.
Parents are selfish. It's all pleasing themselves.
7
There is an old saying that goes something like this — children are the rainbow in your life, grandchildren are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Jim, enjoy being a grandfather.
30
Wait til she says "Papa, I love you."
4
There is also unparalled hapiness without grandchildren.
22
How in the world did Mr Sollisch get into my head and heart !
Well done.....
4
The first time around, I had 1 out of 3. As a grandparent, I have 1 out of 3. Having that one was wonderful. The other two have been aches in my heart. And it repeated itself in the next generation.
3
I recently became a grandparent too. Caring for my newborn son was wonderful, scary, painful, exhausting, and overwhelming. As a new parent, I didn’t have a lot of help. My mom was ill and my mother in law stayed home. My husband was easily distracted so even though he took a couple weeks of leave, he wasn’t home much.
My experience as a grandparent is so different. My son and daughter in law live nearby. I’m retired and my time is my own. My son took a month of leave when my grandson was born. My daughter in law’ sisters stayed with them for a month after the baby was born. I was invited over frequently to just hold my grandson while they ran errands or whatever else they needed to do. It has been some of the most precious moments of my life. The babe is now seven months and I babysit him three days a week. We play all day.
10
One of the many joys of being a grandparent is the look of surprise on my daughter's face as she watches her 3 year old daughter --- and now her 5 month old son --- turn her stoic, grumpy, gruff, disciplinarian father into a googly mound of mush, perfectly happy to play "I'll pretend I'm asleep, you tickle me awake" for hours on end, while Harold and The Purple Crayon plays in the background for the 10,000th time (first dvd in history to actually have the surface worn off it).
Who is this man, she seems to be asking. And what have you done with my grouchy father, the one who grounded me for being 10 minutes past curfew, the one who issued the "you must sign up for 2 activities during summer vacation" directive, the one who enforced the no getting out of bed once you're in it rules? The one who now aides and abets every excursion into the pantry for cookies or Motts or jelly beans or chocolate covered peanuts (none of which, by the way, were ever to be found in our pantry).
The joy, of course, comes in knowing that somehow, despite all my shortcomings as a father, my daughter turned out pretty okay and, in turn, has decided that having children of her own is a fine idea.
I have to agree.
25
I became a grandparent last year March and the joys are beyond measure. I have observed and enjoyed many things I missed raising my kids, while building a career. Last month my granddaughter was able to say papa and she repeats it many times, yet its never monotonous. Yes I am learning more about the "other kind of joy"
2
My experience is a bit different. I raised two boys, mostly by myself, and it was the defining purpose of my life. It wasn't that hard or traumatic, but endless fun. I'm lucky they didn't have serious medical complications or major emergencies, nor did they become the monster teenagers everyone warned me about. They are my favorite people, and now that I have 4 grandchildren from them in 4 years I'm so happy for them. I love my grandkids, it is very special, but the real joy is in seeing them love fatherhood, as I did, and having that incredible happiness like no other.
224
Bring it on! I can hardly wait. But wait I must. My daughter is 25, and enveloped in the throes of post-college early career and making the most of young adulthood. (And she is indeed making the most of it.) So I have to keep my fervent desire to become a grandmother, to experience the same joys mentioned here, a never-uttered secret for fear of pressuring her. This is a safe space to share, right?
70
Yes, and for me it’s been bitter sweet. My two beautiful grandkids, now 18+ months old were born 17 days apart — less than four months before my wife succumbed to pancreatic cancer. When friends and family members remind me of how fortunate we were that their grandmother got to hold her beautiful grand babies, their words are a cold sort of comfort. You see, the last four months my wife and I had together before her death were the hardest we’d ever experienced. Yet we celebrated. We kvelled.
As the poet Rumi pondered, How do we Survive such Horror and Splendor? I am surviving. I cherish my sacred time with my grandson and granddaughter. I love being their Bapa. And sometimes all I can do is hold them in my arms and weep.
As poet Mary Oliver reminds us:
We shake with joy, we shake with grief.
What a time they have, these two
housed as they are in the same body.
29
I've always had a thing for babies. I was adopted, and growing up had no aspirations beyond being a mother. I was a single mom for most of the lives of my two kids, and felt I had achieved the heights of fulfillment, despite distinguishing myself in no other ways. Then I had the first grandchild, the second, and the third. I actually thought no one else in the world could possibly feel this magnificent non-drug induced high. However, I then read Leslie Stahl's book on becoming a grandparent. Yup...it IS the all-time high.
Enjoyed this essay, but wished there was more...totally got the parenting parts, but was hungry for more of the grandparenting parts. So am going to quit writing and go back to watching video of my granddaughter walking 10 steps in her brand new shoes. After all, I have only watched it 35 times so far today.
53
I had a baby pretty late in life. When they wheeled her out of the OT was the only time I have seen my stoic, unfazed mother cry. At the sight of her first grandchild.
47
For every new grampa, thank you. From the first hours on, we touch eternity. A few months later, eternity smiles back. A three-hour nap on my shoulder? What, awake so soon? Another bottle? Sure. Read another book, sing another song, walk a little longer as she drowsily watches the shadows of the trees and the blue of the sky, her sky for now and many tomorrows. I’m too old to worry, but not too old to dance.
118
Preview: Age 1, first tentative steps standing up. By 15 months, standing up by herself and toddling across the room. Then she turns around and flashes the Big Grin, making it all -- and I do mean ALL -- worthwhile, making your mission on earth clear: make her smile and laugh. By grandparenthood you know it's going to turn out fine: the proof is smiling at you and offering her stuffed hedgehog for you to rub noses. Joir de vivre indeed!
28
I think this article is cute. Wholesome, nice quaint. It has a pureness of heart that is endearing. However, I think having children is overrated and it’s value is about antiquated with the realities of our current world. Despite humans having a consciousness that most animals lack, we still retain the same innate, seemingly uncontrollable need to reproduce based on a deep emotion that has no thought about the consequences each baby has on the planet. It’s as though each birth is justified as though they are key to the next generation. Again I like the article but wish people would question reproducing children a bit more deeply than each individuals ‘need’ to procreate. I think evolution beyond our old instincts is something that should be discussed.
11
@Shane
The best things in life often have an uncontrollable need and don't necessarily make any sense-- sex, kids, travel, music, art, coffee, tequila, faith, sports, friendship, falling in love, nostalgia, film, poetry, bird watching, mountain climbing, opera. Being a father has been my greatest joy in life.
You should be thankful that your parents had the desire to be together, and decided to have you... rather than "weighing the consequences" in their "need to procreate."
7
Grandparenting is all of the fun and joy and none of the responsibility. That’s why it is so great.
Plus, you get to leave them with your kids and go home to your own house.
6
Grandparents and their grandchildren get along super well because they both have a common enemy.
17
All the fun and joy of your own children times 1,000!
4
Isn't a bit worrisome to have so many children, they would seem to only help, or be victim of, the Anthropocene apocalypse ...
5
I am smitten with my new great niece, who is great. My child is a long way from parenting; this is just plain fun!
3
I couldn't have said it better myself! Mother of two, grandmother of 4.
1
Lovely. Thank you.
5
Ive been blessed with two granddaughters....2 years and 3 months.
When I hold them, I realize I’m holding the future.
I’m 66 years old, so there’s a good chance I’ll be gone before they ripen to full adulthood. They may never know me as adults.
(And then again, they may....)
So I try, from 800 miles away, to make my presence known. And when I’m with them, which is pretty often, I try to be as in the moment as I can.
I’m writing diaries for both girls...for them to have something of me when I’m gone.
But, in the meantime, I will enjoy the snuggles, and hand-holding, and excited smiles as much as I can.
Regardless of what else is happening in my life, when I see “my girls”, I am happy.
Life is good.
3
You echo every thought and feeling I have with my new (6 months) granddaughter. I live 15 minutes away and see her once or twice a week, but still interrupt my activities CONSTANTLY to look at photos and videos. Who knew it was going to be THIS wonderful. Fantastic article Jim!
5
One man's opinion: the greatest joy of all is watching you child (in my case, my daughter) parent her own children and to realize that all that stuff you were doing 30 years ago somehow sunk in. The strangest part: having to refer to your own daughter as "Mommy" when speaking with your grandchild.
10
This is a very nice article. The author is enjoying the unbounded joy of life as a grandparent, which is terrific. But I have to point out some perspective in this which has struck a discordant note with me.
The author says "I have raised children." No, sir, you have not. You have been in a partnership with your wife to raise those children. You can't claim all the credit for that.
You say that "I worked part time for the first two years of my firstborn’s life". You meant, OUR firstborn, didn't you?
And then, "When my second child, Max, came...". Correctly said, that would be "When OUR second child, Max, came..."
The overall tone of the article is one of the man doing everything except for the one act of birthing a child, and the wife is excluded entirely from the joy of bringing such a being into the world. Isn't child rearing a joint partnership? Isn't the joy of becoming a grandparent the same?
I wish you the best of luck and all the joy in the world for becoming a grandfather. But just remember who was at who's side during the experience as you enjoy it.
5
Max - agreed!
Yes, this is a sweet article. But.
The author was fortunate enough to work part-time. Most men of that generation focused the bulk of their time on work. So grand-parenting for some men is the first time they have had extended time just to devote to a child. What are grandmothers thoughts?
For many of today’s parents, there is a giant shift in gender roles in parenting, and men contribute much more. I wonder how « Grand parenting » narratives will change in the future.
And then there are grandparents who earn their titles far earlier than anyone planned, as their teenagers have children.
And most poignant of all, are those grandparents who become parents when mom and dad are unable to - because of addiction and other illnesses.
There are many ways to be a grandparent. Let’s be open to all their stories.
4
I have two wonderful, thoughtful adult children who have each shared that they do not plan to have children. I respect their decisions, which are based on the enormous costs of raising a child in this society and the uncertain future into which they would launch said offspring. They're still young, so they may change their minds. In the meantime, I have my granddog to spoil.
6
Yes! Still waiting on those grandkids but in love with that grandpup.
1
Mr. Sollisch is among the privileged group of Grandparents who are able to truly enjoy his grandchildren. While reading this piece, I couldn't help but think about the children who are being raised by a grandparent with no parent in the household. These are grandparents who most likely have custody for reasons including substance use, abuse and neglect, incarceration, mental health problems, death and becoming a parent at a young age.
These grandparents are more likely to be poor, i.e. live in households with incomes less than 200 percent of the federal poverty line. Grandparents in these families are less likely to be employed, less likely to receive help with child care and more like to suffer from physical disabilities and chronic health problems. They experience higher levels of stress compared with other grandparents and are more likely to face mental health and financial problems. Custodial grandchildren are reported by their grandparents to have higher levels of behavioral and emotional disturbances than children in the overall U.S. population.
See "More grandparents raising their grandchildren" PBS NewsHour
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/more-grandparents-raising-their-gran...
9
What a beautiful, touching assay.
Thank you, Jim
2
I have one grandson, almost 4. My 2 younger children have thanked their older sister: "Mom is so smitten that the pressure on us is off and won't return any time soon". It's true-one is as good as the biblical quiver.
But, you raise your children in a difficult and dangerous world and breathe an immense sigh of relief when the worst of the dangers seem to have been surmounted. And then here is a new hostage to fortune. It starts again; the concerns and worries about the traps and snares along the way and our world in the future. The tiny sweet face, the perfect little hands, the eyes that are so bright and clear that you know that you are in the presence of one of life's true miracles...the first laugh, the first " I love you but I love Mommy the most." As you should precious. ...
It cannot be described but there is gratitude overflowing.
And yes I know that there are too many people already.
Being a grandparent actually does remind you on a daily basis that we need to fix the world for all of the children. And that wresting children from their parents arms and proceeding to lose them is consummate evil and cruelty.
2
Oustanding Mr. Sollisch. Beautifully written. What a joy that you transmit.
What a blessing babies are, and how amazing their grandparents are. A beautiful relationship.
7
There is NOTHING like a grandchild. Parents love but we also worry. Grandparents get to just love. It’s a priceless gift after the years of loving and worrying for our children. As the old saying goes, “if I’d known grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first.”
10
We had our first grand daughter almost two months ago and my husband and I both feel deep, unmitigated love for her. Greater than what we have always felt for our sons? No, equal and that is huge as we have always loved our sons immeasurably.
2
Lovely article. Grandchildren are definitely payback. My own experience holding them the first time was feeling my heart literally expand, a complete body feeling, my mind wasn't even on deck.
5
My father used to say,"If you don't want to spoil the child, slap the grandfather".
A grandchild. I am so jealous. I have two wonderful, creative, caring, talented kids but procreation doesn't seem to be in either child's portfolio.
1
As a granddaughter whose first and truest love was my grandpa, this article and its comments fill me with joy! Although he passed away almost twenty years ago, the love I received from him continues to sustain me. As soon as I would walk through the doors of his home, he would welcome me with a look of pure delight and love that the deepest, most visceral part of my young being immediately recognized and reflected back to him.
On many nights, I would find myself crying because I just missed him so much, prompting my mom to make late-night, long-distance calls just so I could hear his voice and peacefully return to bed. (Once I learned to memorize, his phone number was the first I committed to memory even before my own.) He was never mad that I called so late. I knew from such an early age how lucky I was to have him dote on me. It was the most special, once-in-a-life love.
53
When I stood in the hospital nursery, my granddaughter in her pink cap, under lights for some reason, I was immediately struck with a vision of the chain of life. Behind me, I could see my parents and grandparents and all who came before, and could imagine before me the road of children and grandchildren who would come through this child and others like her.
It was a profound moment; one I've never forgotten.
25
You’re feeding him too much/a child has to eat; he seems to cry a lot/he seems kind of lifeless; you’re going to spoil him/you’re not giving him the affection he needs; a boy has to become a man/I don’t want him to turn out wrong. I’m not saying you’re a bad mother, dear—I don’t blame you at all. You just don’t know better. You’re so busy with your career, you don’t pick up on these things. So I’m here to help, to do everything I can—when you can’t. Dr. King would have wanted it that way. Lord knows.
2
Just wait till you have grandchildren, only then will you know what pure joy - unaccompanied by worries - is.
3
No thanks. It’s easy to extol the costumes of grandparenthood once your life has already been devoted to raising kids and giving them your all.
Having children is why we have become too preoccupied and obsessed with them to better our world. One of the smartest, most fascinating women I know is a shell of herself 18 years after having a horrible, spoiled kid. She is obsessed with him and providing him the best of the best, and now he’s a mess and so is she.
She is not alone. So many middle to upper middle classers are raising little beasts because “parenting” is now a superverb.
As Philip Larkin concluded, “Man hands on misery to man, it deepens like a coastal shelf,
Get out as early as you can, and don’t have any kids yourself.”
15
All the joy and very little of the daily stress. I’ve never loved a human being like I love my granddaughter.
She walks on water in my world.
10
My siblings and I were raised by a single working mother who loved us immensely but due to her many responsibilities and concerns for us, was not very demonstrative and had many rules for us. So when her first grandchild, my son, was born and rules went out the window and my mother lovingly held my son every chance she had, I knew then and there that I wanted to be a grandmother.
Forget being a mother, skip the so-called joys of first day of kindergarten, graduation from college, beautiful wedding day. No, I wanted that joyous day when I would be made a grandmother. I was only 23 but I couldn’t wait for the joy my mother was showing me.
And all the comments today have not approximated the joy I have felt since I became a grandmother fifteen years ago and then again ten years ago. My beautiful and fun granddaughters have given me a new lease on life. I have learned about new music genres, new slang words, new YA authors, ( I’m a retired English teacher/School Media Specialist ). They like that I’m from NYC ( they were born and live in Hollywood, FL ) And there’s so much more ahead and all of it good because their mother will take care of all that makes these girls so much to fun to be around.
I just have to love and enjoy them.
14
You have captured beautifully my exact feelings when I'm with my grandchildren. I could hold a grandchild in the rocker for hours while he slept. Nothing was more important than doing that just then; everything stopped except for the joy and beauty of watching that amazing being. They are growing fast, but I still treasure each and every moment with them, as if it is more important than abslutely any other! Thank you.
8
While I share the joy of having grandchildren, I have a different view with the author on worry. My grandchildren are headed for a future that has a planet in great distress and the future of their lives as Grandparents is really not assured. I worry that some day my Granddaughter will ask me why did my generation stand by and let these things happen ? I worry that she will ask me what did I do to stop the abuse of the Mother Earth and the problems she will inherit concerning water, pollution and extinction of animal and plant life.
The worry is different for sure than mere existence but the joy is paired with sadness . When I turn on the news and see that Polar Bears are starving because the habitat they need is being destroyed by the pollution and willful consumerism that ignores environmental health for all beings, I say joy is only one feeling I have when I look into my granddaughter's eyes. I also have shame.
31
All so true! I think my absolute joy in my first grandson is matched by my pride, and that of my husband, in watching our firstborn be an amazing hands-on dad.
15
Jim Sollisch has captured in beautiful words what I have felt and lived for 14 years. That moment of absolute awe when I held my first granddaughter has so filled me with joy and empowered life in ways that are beyond words. I still feel that joy as I watch her grow in body, mind and soul. Tonight she inspired a conversation of depth that awoke my senses. It wasn’t the typical conversation of boys, her girlfriends or other teenage dialogue. We discussed deep things of self, the world and how she fits in to this world. Suddenly I was there again, a few moments after her birth and the world was wonderful.
I am a blessed man because I have two more granddaughters who each fill me with life as only they can. Thank you for this wonderful article.
15
I wholeheartedly agree! The joy is all consuming. You don't see them every day so you think about all the wonderful moments not the tiring, scary ones. My second is due in a week and it feels like the biggest reward for being a parent ever created!
6
The particular joy of grandparenting is less about the dna of the grandchildren, (though who can deny that cuddles and bonding are special moments!?), but more about the pure joy of seeing one’s own offspring relishing, enjoying, succeeding in his/her own parenting. I am in awe of my own children as I watch them parent...full heart!
12
I remember the night my first grandchild was born. That was both thrilling and frightening for various reasons, none of which I fully could explain.
The joy of a grandchild is wonderful. But I've had to joy of seeing great-grandchildren. I can see what kind of parents those grandchildren have become, as I watched them grow into adulthood wondering sometimes if all of us who loved them had been both good parents and grandparents.
Next year, I will watch my college bound great-grandson graduate from high school. How cool is that!
32
This essay and the comments really revive some regrets that I (41yr old w/o children) thought I'd made peace with. I intellectualized the question of whether to have kids to the point of classic analysis-paralysis, with ambivalence leading to deciding to do nothing, leaving my parents grandchildless. Makes me realize that had I had children, the Big Questions that paralyzed me would have been dwarfed in significance by the day-to-day trials and joys of raising a kiddo. I'm okay with that for myself, but will always ALWAYS regret not providing my parents with what the grandparents here describe.
15
When I was told that my first grandson was on the way, spontaneous tears ran down my cheeks. Never happened before. I love him and his brother in a way that I had never imagined. My grandparents were born in the 19th century into a world of horses and buggies. Their great great grandchildren can’t imagine that there was a time when iPhones didn’t exist. It’s mind boggling.
10
Being a grandparent seems to be about being the parent we always wanted to be. It is deeply ironic that for me it has transformed time itself, which i always felt was this finite entity, and turned it into the kind of dimension-less "now" I was always looking for. It is fair pay . And probably an illusion but I'm all in. And also aware enough not to sugar coat it: the "now" will not last. The child hugs we cherish now will become self-conscious gropings and then perfunctory to-dos. It is the way. But the connection made as they are young will always be there and it will nourish our later days. These Happy Days, today, never fully expected , are worth the wait!
10
Raised two wonderful sons, but when my first grandchild, Zachary was born nine years ago, on my birthday no less, I thought that I had died and gone to heaven. Such an intense love flooded through me, like electricity. He recently confided in me that I was his favorite grandmother, no less! His sister came along a few years later. I now have a shopping buddy, who resembles me and has my love for clothes and shopping. My husband is similarly smitten with these blessings who we call our grandchildren. They are the joy of our lives.
26
I can see this in my mind’s eye, you and your granddaughter shopping together, laughing and chatting, and maybe afterwards some lunch. I can feel your bond from here and it makes me smile.
9
@Socrates Only a woman who never had a daughter to shop with, could begin to understand. It’s a girl thing, I’m afraid.
Five grand kids thus far, a joy to behold. Let's trust we can love them without conditions, and teach them to think for themselves, become independent in thought and action, become better than we ourselves could, are true to themselves, use moderation in all they do, show solidarity, speak up for those that can't, and exercise prudence in their lives (doing what's right, however hard and/or hazardous). If they can transcend their flaws, and be humble for the immensity of what is out there to learn, compared to what they know; that would be quite enough for a happy life.
5
My husband and I are experiencing this particular joy with our first grandchild. I agree with Jim ~ 30+ years ago we were so absorbed in getting parenting right that we often forgot to relax and enjoy the experiences.
I also think being a grandparent is more poignant now because we're getting older, just as this new little person joins us. We hope to see him enjoy his childhood, graduate from high school and become a young adult, but in this life there are no guarantees. So we treasure every chance now to be with him, even though it requires flights across the country to reconnect.
8
As a relatively new parent (my oldest is almost four), it amazes me how into hanging out with my kids their grandparents are. Not that I don't love my kids, or appreciate their existence and the time I spend with them, but dang can they be a handful. At this point, thinking about parachuting into our house to take it all on like grandparents do doesn't exactly seem to me like the most rational thing to do.
But thank goodness for grandparents, amirite parents?
14
As a parent, you think nothing could rival the infinite love you feel when looking at your children.
But grandparent love is both more overwhelming and less demanding. The exquisite love you feel for your children is unbelievable, but the depth of the love you feel when watching your child hold THEIR child is indescribably wondrous.
18
How simply and wonderfully the writer expressed his joy! First, I was intrigued by the photo; then, the piece itself pleased me very much. As the writer himself knows well, I’m sure, there are people who have never received affluent affections from parents or grandparents during their childhoods. There are even people who had no families at all when growing up. Those who know how to love their children and grandchildren, how important their children and grandchildren are for them, should also know more than others, how important human lives are. I would like to ask to the writer; please try to extend your love over all your fellow humans - children and adults alike. Additionally, if you encounter an absurdly weird situation, (just hypothetically), such that you have to choose either your grandchild or a person unrelated to you; clearly, the choice will not be even a choice because it is so obvious for you. However, please take a second or two to remember. Every one was born to be cared and deserved for love.
11
Empathy for others starts with empathy in the home. There is no shortcut.
2
I have lost my heart to our new granddaughter. This new type of love took me by surprise but I am committed to it. Thank you for capturing it for all of us.
26
I am very privileged to be a Grandmother at 67 to the love of my life baby William age 6 months. I never expected the overwhelming feeling of adoration and awe. Thank you for sharing your experience and I love the wisdom you pass on to your kids:" But in keeping her alive, they will become fully alive. They will feel the awesome power of joy tinged with vulnerability. Only when you have everything to lose, do you have everything." That will help carry them through the many challenges of parenting!
6
And in a few weeks what a delight to see the little eyes looking back with understanding and, like a magnet, absorbing you into their new world!
62
Shucks, I'm going to be 30 sooner rather than later and still haven't settled down yet. It always fills me with a tinge of shame that I haven't made my parents grandparents yet.
52
@Andrew Ah yes, I'm 41 and neither me nor my 2 brothers have had children . . . or ever will, by mix of choice and accident and ambivalence. My parents struck out, grandchildren-wise. I too feel guilty, very much so, especially imagining that my mom is not experiencing what this writer describes. But you are a nearly 30-year old man, so you still have time to have kids if you want to.
7
@Andrew.......Don't rush a marriage, Andrew. Your parents would much rather see you marry the right person, rather than marry the wrong person because you think you should be married, and you should make your parents, grandparents. We parents never stop wanting the best for our "kids", and if that means a delay becoming a grandparent, while a son or daughter continues the search for the right soul mate, that makes us happy enough.
3
I had my first child, a son, at 39. Have fun doing what you do. There's still time.
3
I always appreciate essays and articles that remind me how empty and meaningless my life is because I chose not to have children.
12
@tlily
It's not about you, tilly. Relax.
Friendly reminder to all the childless who feel you are under siege: You don't have to click on these articles. That's what I do with Trump articles.
@tlily Oh brother.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/05/style/no-kids-for-me-thanks.html
Feel better now?
@tlily Do you want people to not write about skydiving, drinking great wine or traveling to Antarctica because you don't do it?
9
Twenty years ago when our children were 3 and 6, my parents began living with us during the summer months. While my husband & I and our children surely benefitted from having Grandma & Pop with us, I witnessed and remained convinced my parent's benefitted the most because of the joy they experienced from living with their grandchildren. I am hopeful one day I too will experience such joy.
13
And the hits just keep on coming - retired grandpa (Pops to my grand daughters) who is loving every minute of retirement largely due to them and my family. Relish each and every moment because simply, it's what it's all about.
14
I enjoyed the article and the writing. The fact that others come to articles on family to make comments like 'so glad I didn't have kids' or make a reproducing argument annoys me to no end. What value add does that have to anything? Everyone finds joy in different things and gosh just be happy someone is happy out there in this insane world.
92
@Christine Exactly! I don't curmudgeonly comment on articles that express some kind of joy for an experience I've never had the opportunity to have.
1
That's nice. Hope you weren't one of those fathers who worked from 7AM to 7PM to "provide for" (i.e., hide from) your wife and kids. I have completely lost patience with men who are now romancing grandfatherhood when fatherhood was a complete drag on their existence. Let me also hear no more from male teachers who wrap their lives around their students and ignore their kids. Always be in the here and now. Always be there for your family.
26
Yup!
2
@Name Working from 7-7 has a name, it's called normal, or called WORK. The fact that you have to do it to live does not mean you are there to avoid your family. It's a bitter view, at least.
1
You you just cannot explain to anyone who is not a grandparent what it is like. I didn’t understand either until I became “Grandma,” the most beautiful word in the English language.
It’s different from being a mother or a father, who have other responsibilities that rearing a child entails, including economic. We are free to just love love love.
17
I love my children 100%.
I love my grandchildren 200%.
44
The moment that grandchild is placed in your vicinity (hopefully in your arms, but that is secondary), you understand. You will never again roll your eyes at the legion of those who have gone before you who bury you in photos on phones, kindles or paper of their grandchild burbling the child's virtues. You are now one of them.
6
It's lovely to see all of the heartfelt comments from grandparents, echoing the message of the piece. It's also heartbreaking to read, having my own family reject my child because of their own racist, ignorant attitudes. Icy, distant, toxic. Certainly I'm not alone in this, but to give my child a loving extended family I've had to look beyond genetic boundaries. If I'm every lucky enough to be a grandma, I plan to be the most doting, hugging, adoring one possible (the way I feel about my child, too!)
55
Recommend your wisdom - I looked at my parent’s generation for positive and negative examples of behavior. I try very hard to be loving and helpful to my daughter and son- in-law. Of course I delight in my grandson beyond measure and it is hard to describe the joy he brings to me. I do worry a lot about the global conditions in the future for all of the children today.
5
call me. I'll be the best grampa you'll ever see. You both deserve it!
2
@MIna It is so horrible that people allow race, nationality or other reasons to stand between them and their family, between them and their children, between them and their children's children. They deny themselves the greatest joys of life. How, how can one know they have a grandchild in this world and not want to rush towards them and all the pleasures they would give their grandparents?!
1
....and then, when they become obstreperous or need more than you're able to give, you can hand them back to their parents and say: "Yours!".
5
Jim:
Great piece. Mazal tov. Welcome to the club.
Question: Do you know why grandparents and grandkids get along so well?
Answer: (Said with a BIG smile on my face, as the grandfather of 4) They have ... a common enemy.
25
@Joe From Boston
Reminds me of c second-hand telling of his friend's comment:
"Grandchildren are our reward for not having killed our children."
1
@adak
A friend of mine (grandfather of 7) was asked what it is like being a grandpa.
His comment was that it is GREAT, but now he is sleeping with a grandmother.
Joe very funny.
1
Sincere congratulations!
I hope for the same, some day.
4
I have never wanted children - yes, a few times I almost caved - but have never shifted much from that position. I am now in my 50s, so unlikely to have any. But I love children. I babysat all my nieces and nephew - and, to this day, I am not sure who had more fun. I or my constantly laughing nieces (they laugh at all your jokes when they are little). And, best of all, no worries (true, I worried some but never in the way that parents do) and no tantrums to deal with . . .
19
Being a grand parent is utter joy. We have 4 beautiful, healthy grandchildren. Unfortunately, we are estranged from one of our daughters who has two children. She has refused to let us see or have anything to do with her children. She most probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, which she would never acknowledge, as does her husband. We are fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with our other daughter, son-in-law and their two children.
There are millions of estranged grandparents. There is not enough understanding of this phenomenon. Moe articles and awareness are needed.
29
@Pam Parents who deny their children the love of grandparents are sadists.
9
@Pam: It goes the other way as well: my mother *definitely* had Borderline Personality Disorder and she took virtually no interest in her grandchildren, despite the fact that all her children gave her every chance to get to know her grandkids and bond with them.
Watching her interact with the grandkids was to see how she could not empathize effectively with another person, and how disconnected she was. I'd say she had a very low emotional IQ.
The grandchildren were bewildered, but as they got older, they understood that grandma just couldn't be bothered with them. Fortunately, they had many other loving relatives in their lives (including the grandparents on the other side), but it always struck me that it was my mother who missed out - first with her own children, and then with her grandchildren. Her whole life was colored by her personality disorder.
7
@Pam That daughter is exercising a form of child abuse and elder abuse.
2
Good piece but I feel it's BEYOND what you wrote. As a 60-year-old with 7 grandchildren. My oldest is 18 & on his way to start his computer science major. He picked my major - I hold a BS & MS in comp sci. That to me is beyond belief, especially my grandson being a 5th generation American of Puerto Rican decent!! My health is excellent because of them, I've told them. In June 2017, try to imagine visiting 6 European countries in 9 days with 22 lbs backpacks, 15-mile hiking-days with your two teen grandsons & all on your own - no tour guides? There's NOTHING to describe this experience, and I timed it to be long lasting so they will not become "another ignorant American" not knowing about the "world." I have a big budget - thousand$ - for their travel with me. I purposely downsized in my mid-50s, cut other costs in order to have more money "for them." Turn down promotions. So far, "my intervention"/engagement is working. I take to them NYC - my old neighborhood - and remind them of their roots. I've turned down job opportunities in order to be just a few miles from all 7 grandchildren. So far, zero regrets & my retirement funds are on target. Cuz I simplified my life to teach/guide my grandchildren in this "tough" world. These grandchildren grow too fast! My oldest is 18 & likes to hang out with his 60-year-old hip grandfather. What more do I need, what more do I want? ZERO.
78
@Sam: good on you! but I'd like to point out that you had your first grandson at 42!!! a very young grandpa. It means you had YOUR children in your early 20s!
Please say something to those men (several posting here) who have put off childbearing and even marriage, for their mid to late FIFTIES!
They have the right to do this, but if they do....kiss grandkids goodbye. They'll be too old when the grandkids arrive to do ANYTHING like Sam here -- with his backpacking through EUROPE! at 59! -- if you are lucky, you'll get to wave at your first grandbaby from the dementia wing of the nursing home.
Your choice -- but guys, be sure you KNOW what you are CHOOSING. "Freedom" has consequences.
2
Kvell like crazy. But you do not know what worry really is.... yet.... :-)
1
Absolutely agree.
Grandparents also have the benefit of hindsight, knowing that so many of the things that parents worry about are not really important.
Grandchildren are the greatest joy I have known.
20
Welcome to grandparenthood! Yes, it's amazing. It's a tangible link with your posterity, your legacy. Your grandchild is probably about fifty to sixty years younger than you. And I'm sure you've wondered what the future holds for her. What kind of air will she breathe? What kind of water will she drink? What sort of society will she belong to? The decisions we make today will directly affect her and the quality of her life. Long after we've gone our grandchildren will be adults in a world we can only hope is better than ours. Without dragging politics and current events into it, I can only say that it behooves us all to institute policies and to choose leaders who will create a world in which our grandchildren will prosper. Today's decisions affect all generations to follow. Enjoy your precious moments with your granddaughter; they pass so quickly.
26
Thank you from one grandparent to another, Jim.
I just returned from a visit to play with my one-year-old grandson and came away with one of the best feelings in the world: My son is an excellent parent. Maybe I did something right. And my grandson? Reminds me so much of his Dad.
58
This is such a beautiful thing to read. Thank you, Mr. Sollisch.
15
Thanks Jim for a wonderful opinion piece. I raised three sons and now dote on my precious grandchildren. They are all unique and special to me but nothing can top the big hugs and kisses I get whenever we spend time together! My life has been truly blessed.
8
When we become parents, we rush through everything just to make sure that all we can do for our little wonders is indeed taken care of. Do we all miss things our kids do in that struggle? Almost certainly.
But by the time grandchildren appear, we know that we are most of our way through this life, and we often find ourselves with far fewer things to rush to do.
And just by being grandchildren, they are of course much cuter!
13
We have four grand-kids, and they constantly provide us with laughter and stories we find ourselves telling to anyone who will listen. Each visit is a guarantee of something worthwhile.
They add a colored thread to the tapestry of life which would not otherwise exist. And they remind us of what's truly important.
8
I'm coming at this from the other side- I loved the grandparents whom I was fortunate enough to meet (the others died far too young because of war). I love my parents and am very close to them. But I deliberately have chosen not to have children and I so very much appreciate the fact that my parents haven't put any pressure on me, ever, or implied that there was something wrong with me or that I was missing out. Quite the contrary. My parents understand that if you have children, the goal is to raise them to be responsible, caring adults. Not because you want grandchildren or someone to take care of you. I think it's horrible that people expect their kids to have grandchildren. Some of us see the state of the world and don't want any child to suffer it. Others of us are not done growing ourselves. And still others don't have the money or care about human overpopulation. My parents respect my decision and we have an even closer relationship because of it. I call that joy and contentment.
101
@atb Thank you! I too love my grandparents, and I love seeing how happy being a grandparent has made my parents and in-laws. I also feel the ... disappointment ... directed at me from both sets of parents that I haven't provided them more opportunities to experience this amazing love because I've made the choice to be childfree. It has changed the dynamics of our relationships. Both sets of parents clearly prefer to spend time with the grandkids, often at the expense of their own child. It's a little hurtful. I matter less now that my parents have grandkids to pay attention to.
5
@atb I have complete respect for your decision not to have children, you have a perfect right to that decision.
Not sure why you felt compelled to tell us about it just because someone else is finding joy in his first grandchild. In fact I have noticed a disturbing tendency among the childless by choice to express all their, no doubt reasonable, feelings about the negatives of having children any time anyone says anything about having children.
Other people having children is not a reflection on you.
51
It's "horrible" for people to want grandkids? Isn't that overkill? It's unfair, it's self-centered, it's natural. But horrible? Which adjectives do you reserve for child abuse, the Holocaust or painful, fatal diseases?
6
My father in law, was allegedly not a great father or great husband, high school educated (maybe)
But when my son was born at 26 weeks one kilo, he sat by that incubator 15 hours a day
he stood in my shoes almost daily while I worked a doctor, with long hours, when son number two came two years later
he never missed a game they played in, a show, a birthday party
he and my two boys are beyond close
he taught them sports ( he was a great athlete)
Kindness, love, humor
He still has some of his faults ( a trump blind supporter)
But I will always be eternally grateful for what he did for my boys now 22 and 24, one starting at the biggest company in the US, and the other in a top 10 law school. Both very liberal, caring men despite his right wing views
My boys are adored by many, and really it is all because of him
Worlds most questionable parent, perhaps
Worlds best grandfather, in my eyes 100%!
199
Trump supporters love their families too. It's just that they seem not to care about other people's families. Especially non-white, non-Christian ones.
1
Every day I miss my mother, who died when I was in my 20s. If I had the chance to see her again or let her meet her grandchildren, I’d have to choose the latter. She would have burst with joy.
48
@Rill
I have the same thought all the time about my grandmother. She just missed the great-grandkids by a year.
4
I think this often about my own mother (a great lover of babies — when I had my first child, her old friends reached out to me to offer help because she had been so instrumental in their breastfeeding struggles). She died when I was 19. She would have adored her four grandchildren.
4
@Rill: lost my mom in my 20s too ... she did not live to see her grandkids. But they would have been the great joy of her life -- her GREAT grandkids now too!
She lives inside of them, and part of my great joy is seeing her (and my grandma, and great grandma) LIVE ON in this amazing way -- a lineage now stretching back over 100 years and forward hopefully that long -- and me, in the middle to chronicle and affirm it all, and remember -- so long as I am blessed to be on this earth.
3
Congratulations! Being a grandparent is a huge blessing. Long live "Twinkle, twinkle little star". We loved the photograph too. Thank you so much for this breath of fresh air.
12
When my son and then my daughter were born 50 and 48 years ago, I didn't know love could be so deep. And now my grandchildren, Alejandro, who died six years ago, and my granddaughters, Sierra, 18, Amaya, 17 (tomorrow) and Sequoia, 15, I didn't know love could be so profound--and the loss of Alejandro as well.
My heart leaps at the slght of them, thrills me and it constantly overflows. It's like always being in love.
68
Perfect Paloma and so very sorry for the loss of your granddaughter. Like being always in love x
3
Thank you for putting this into words. There really is a special kind of grandchild love I've never experienced before. Like you, I had glimpses of it as a parent. I'm convinced this must be built into the species, maybe to help sustain our gene pool. It doesn't matter. If grandchild love is a drug, I'm an addict.
12
I think it's because you don't feel judged like you do as a parent. I encountered a friend with her young grandchildren at a restaurant last week. The kids were rather "lively." My friend said, "I would have never let my children behave this way in a restaurant, but it doesn't bother me with my grandchildren." Go Grandma, go!
11
My first grandchild was born one year ago. I totally agree the joy is amazing and very different than becoming a mother. Part of the best part is watching my daughter be a mother!
9
When my mother made the difficult decision to move us across the Atlantic to the United States, it broke my grandmother's heart. I'll never forget the look on her face when she received the news from us, and the tears that followed. We came back often to see her on holidays, but it was never the same. She absolutely adored us, and we loved her dearly too. A Sephardic woman from the Middle East, she called us "Ayuni" - which means "My Eyes".
23
"Only when you have everything to lose, do you have everything."
I love this statement so much. In addition to the usual daily frustrations of parenting, I make sure to take a moment to experience unfettered joy at least every day with my three young children. Having lost a child at 15 months of age to a complex disease, each moment his siblings live and breathe on this earth feels like a miracle.
Enjoy your beautiful grandchildren, thank you for this article.
36
Beautiful and insightful tribute to the joys of being a grandparent--thank you for warming my heart!
6
I got 2 grand babies this year! My happiness and love is so great that I feel like my hormones came back!
11
Whatever chemical newborns secrete so that they won’t be abandoned does smell rather irresistible, and children are fine as long as you can give them back to their owner when they start being obnoxious.
The notion that it takes having everything to lose to have everything is a bit much, though. Having everything to lose means that there’s a good chance of facing unimaginable suffering.
“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.”
6
Well, no, sorry.
I am not yet a grandparent though I do hope to be so blessed someday.
But really, I pity you if you did not in fact feel that rapture and unfettered joy with any of your own children.
I was as tired and stressed as any human being can possibly before and after giving birth to my child, with a wretched spouse, full-time employment out of the home and pretty much all the responsibilities in it, and yet, even with my head ready to fall off every evening, I had as much joy in parenting as is possible for the human heart and soul to contain without exploding in crystals of light.
I didn't expect to feel that way, either--no one would have ever described me as maternally-inclined before I began the deliberate planned journey towards motherhood, and I knew as much about babies as a potted plant might. But boy--let's hear it for instinct and hormones and whatever else nature gives us to give us a fighting chance.
Did I worry? Did I stand over the crib at night, listening for breathing sounds? Did I have the usual mothers' standard nightmares about misplacing the baby? You betcha.
But pure joy? Wish I could bottle it and hand it out to the populace at large, as my contribution to the general welfare. Sorry it took you so long to feel it. Hope your kids never noticed.
16
Sing it, sister SCA !
1
Wait until you have grandchildren. I love and cherish my two daughters; I loved every moment as they were growing up. I have five grandchildren now and can still remember the feelings that rushed in as I held them the first time. It's glorious! It's not a better love; just different. I hope you get a chance to experience this wonderful love.
9
Lightening up is the gift of grandparenting. You have that to look forward to!
8
I became a mother seven years ago and, not surprisingly, it has transformed my life. Prior to the birth of my daughters, while I couldn't fully understand the joy they would bring me, I did anticipate it, in a way.
What I didn't anticipate at all is the profound joy I get from witnessing the love and the relationship between my mother and my kids. So much love. So much happiness. What a gift!
11
Mazel Tov. May you have many many more years of kvelling from the nachas your grandchildren give you. Maybe even great-grandchildren!
I just had this conversation yesterday with my sister whose oldest is about to start college as a freshman at the University of Michigan. I told her in a four years you'll be an empty nester looking forward to the grandchildren.
Life goes on, l'dor vador. From generation to generation.
8
The only way I can describe this new "grandparent" feeling is comparing it to a heart. The heart has 4 chambers but as soon as I became a grandparent a fifth chamber popped. This new heart beats with a very special love.
33
Grandchildren give me a certain amount of joy.
I have five Canadian grandchildren, and three Mexican grandchildren....a continuing cross cultural experience.
Yesterday I took my ten year old granddaughter Ximena for her first riding class. The excitement was palpable, Such a little girl, such a big horse,
Ximena wants to learn how to ride "escaramusa" an intricate dance of young ladies in beautiful dresses riding fast.. Something like the Royal Canadian Mounted Police musical ride, without lances.
saludos de sunny Yucatan
ancient Canadian
59
I wish you were our role model. We can be one great 3-country group! But not with trump.
2
@David Andrew Henry beautiful images! I adore my mixed grand-children ( Lebanese/Canadian , Philippine\Canadian ) they will speak french, english and spanish and the smallest one at two and a half is already speaking english and bits of french and tagalog. Important moment in my life 18 years ago just watching my first grandson sleep ,my heart full, for two hours !
Saluts de Montréal!
2
There is absolutely no doubt that all grand-children under 5 years of age are geniuses.
56
MAzel tov and welcome to the grandparents club.
Nothing better
9
I just said goodbye to two of my grandchildren 4 and 7 who live in Mexico City. After their delightful yet tiring presence in the house for over a week, I felt grief well up as I would enter a room and find some odd toy left behind. Here is the paper where she wrote her name. There is where he fantasized that he was playing World Cup Soccer. My son is there for his family, all bilingual. It is hard to say fare well, but it is what must be. Once the sadness subsides I will be glad for this multicultural family, defying all the ugly stereotypes of Trump and his mignon Miller.
18
@Boomer
The luckiest of us can love without needing someone else to despise.
2
If none of your own just yet, try renting a grandnephew or niece from one of your nephews or nieces - couple of hours to a couple of days...
Especially at times when no one in the more immediate family can cover - and they really need to come up with a good plan B...
You should be able to drive a really good bargain rate – perhaps even for free…
That beautiful little he or she will remember their time with you far more than you might think – or even recall, yourself, in too short a time...
When they mention it to you later, validation that you lived a life worth – at least, by a still-beautiful then-little someone – remembering...
79
So beautiful, thank you.
6
Yes. Or as my husband and I agree...grandchildren are God's last chance to break your heart, you love them so much. How right this writer is. It's like nothing else in the world.
18
I'll get right on that. Do you think, being 58 and never married and heterosexual and morbidly shy (up to recently) and all, that I'm starting too late? I suppose I could skip a few steps by marrying a woman with grandkids of her own. Plus, I love my cat, so I've had lots of experience. Where would I start? The bars? The casinos? JDate? I do have a pretty good earning power, not a towering income, but nothing to sneeze at. Or I suppose I could just adopt. I wonder if that would seem weird. Or maybe I should just accept my fate and deal. Yes! Okay, never mind. I could just be the nice single grandfatherly type and be a grandfather to the world's children -- we need that. Okay, never mind, I figured it out. Thanks for listening.
11
@Danny
You have a good point on being a grandfather to the world's children...or even an adoptive Dad...I see ads all the time for foster parents for older kids still needing/wanting someone to give a damn about them personally. Happy searching...may you find a good match.
12
@Danny: you seriously just thought of this?
OK, I can help.
1. Yes, J-date.
2. There are morbidly shy women out there, who would LOVE to meet you...if you are a decent, kind man.
3. No, it is not biologically too late for a man to have a child (with some caveats).
4. You can adopt -- as a married man or a single -- probably a older child in foster care.
5. You can also volunteer to work with kids, such as Big Brothers Organization. Look it up!
6. No, it is not weird to adopt -- not in 2018! -- but geez, did you seriously not think of this at 40 or 50? because kids take a lot of energy!
7. If you are ambivalent -- I think you are --- start slow with volunteering -- maybe Scouting? after school programs? tutoring?
1
It's interesting to see this article on the front page in the same line of sight as the one about climate change and the perils of overpopulation.
27
@Ali Indeed.
2
Geez, give it a rest.
17
I’ve never quite understood..do those who bemoan the birth of babies (bc of overpopulation) cheer at the deaths inflicted by mass murderers, wars, and natural disasters? Do you sigh with disgust when vaccines are created or seatbelts save lives or there are breakthroughs in cancer treatments? Do these people understand that w/out new generations life dies out?
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Mazel Tov!
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Lovely essay!
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I have three grown children -- a white biological daughter, a Korean/Hispanic adopted daughter and a Black/Japanese adopted son. I'm very close to my son's three Black boys, rarely miss a baseball game, school event, birthday celebration. I worry about their safety in this toxic political climate believing I can protect them from racism, violence if I hover over them. Not so. I don't worry about three white granddaughters safely making their way in the world. I hope all six grandchildren live joyful lives unfettered by ugliness.
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"Only when you have everything to lose, do you have everything."
Wow! What a beautiful thought!!
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“Having everything “ = code for “having children & grandchildren,” apparently — and tough luck if you don’t. I object to this worldview.
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Please do tell how great it is to parent/grandparent to the numerous abused, abandoned, isolated, lonely, hurt, broken, rejected, molested, beaten children who are made so by the hands of their parents.
We all find meaning in different ways. Mine, for example, is partially about critiquing arguments about how great it is to reproduce.
I'll just keep spending my time leading the life I love - sans reproducing - with purpose - to write, to read, to study, to learn, to teach; to fall in love, to be loved by others, to be hated by more; to grow my own food, to share what I've grown with others; to care for stray cats, to help my parents as their lives draw to a close; to own a home,fix it up, laugh at a million stupid things, hate everything Donald Trump touches; get financial security; and to donate time to making people better in even a small way.
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@Erin so no one can write about the joys of parenthood or grandparenthood because some people didn't have children? To say you find joy in critiquing others happy experiences is very sad.
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I never get people like this. People who hate cats commenting on an article intended for cat lovers. A piece on the joys of life in Provence ruined by someone who hates the French. And this rant against grandparents that includes a reference to being hated more as if that were a badge of honor and not a symptom of someone in psychiatric distress.
And the litany of supposed good deeds is pointless. As if people with children and grandchildren don't do all those things as well.
Perhaps you see your post differently, but to the world it screams you "doth protest too much." If you were truly happy, you wouldn't have to tear people down.
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@Erin Well, great for you for standing firm in the decisions you've made for how to live your life, but why do you want to defecate on someone else's joy.
We need more of this in our harsh world.
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I love being a grandparent! My job is to fill my grandkids with chocolate, buy the noisiest toys I can possibly find. . . . . and then give them back! My son asked me: "Dad, why are you doing this?" My reply: "I remember when you took your diaper off to finger paint on the wall, this is revenge!!"
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Being a grandparent gives you that perspective that makes you appreciate every little thing they do. You have the time and maturity to see the wonder of your child's children. Thank you, Jim!
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Grandparents actually get quite annoying to deal with. Wow, how great your kids were fertile!
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While the quote below resonated as true, this piece overall is just too blissful.
“Only when you have everything to lose, do you have everything. That’s what parenting teaches you.”
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Grandchildren are proof that god loves you.
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@FormerPhillyGuy
Grandchildren are the prize for not killing your kids when they got on your nerves!!
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Exactly.
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Amen brother!
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So glad I don't have kids
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And this has what to do with Jim’s experience of grandparenting?
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@Mixilplix: and the world, and all children on it, are even gladder.
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being a grandparent.....like nothing else in the world..
no words
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It is the pure joy of getting to hold and cuddle a darling remnant of your own amazing DNA without having to deal with the screaming, poopy little creature all day, every day.
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@Margie Moore and even if it's not your DNA because my only grandchildren are the children of my husband's daughter. But I cannot imagine loving them any more deeply.
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@Margie Moore: ACE! it's the best thing EVER!
When they get cranky or tired....hand 'em back to mom & dad.
You sugar them up and then send them home.
You get ALL THE GOOD PARTS and none of the bad parts.
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Being.a New grandparent is a special kind of joy.As a parent you are thrilled with your children but frazzled and fatigued.With a grandchild you can relax and relive your joy of your own children but add a lot more,You can read more books, play more games, go to movies and museums, go shopping and take special trips, so much that you did not have time for in earlier years.Treasure every moment because in a flash your grandchildren, your best pals, are off to college and moving towards the lives they will eventually lead.You cannot go with them and there is a huge hole in your life that used to be filled with their happy laughter.
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Grandchildren are the dessert of life!
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@Daisy
Only one minor problem:
You cannot get to enjoy that dessert first.
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Mr. Sollisch: I, too, am a grandfather, and your article captures our experience perfectly. And so that you know, in my experience, this other kind of joy lasts at least three and a half years, with no sign of diminishing.
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@tmterry my granddaughter is now 8 1/2. The joy does not diminish. It changes. Now we ponder together the big questions "what was there before the first tree?" " What was there before the first mother? Going to the opera. Swimming for three hours on two days straight.
Congratulations, and wishing you the best!
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Oh being a grandparent is the best thing ever! Way better than being a parent (at least for me). My daughter told me that she was never having kids and I was completely fine with that. Then my granddaughter came along and it has been an amazing experience. One that I could have never imagined.
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Thanks for a great essay! As “Papa” to 4 and 2 year old grand daughters, I’ve told people that it’s like falling in love in love in a whole new way. They don’t always get it, but that’s ok too, the little one do!
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As a grandparent, you thinks your grandchild is perfect even though you know that isn't true. When you think of them, a smile comes to your face. A friend told me she didn't understand this feeling until she became a grandparent. It is true joy!
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What a beautiful article. Congratulations.
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I'm a gay man who just retired from a 40 year Pediatrics career. My husband and I never had kids of our own, so I often felt guilty about the fact that being a pediatrician allowed me to go directly to the joys of "grandparenthood," without all of the responsibility, drama and angst that comes before! 40 years of kids in my life and work, infants to teens, all day every day -- what a privilege, a joy, a gift.
Grandparents have so much to offer, not only to their families, but also to kids and families in their communities. Time for me to figure out where to jump in and contribute.
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@Douglas Beautiful!
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@Douglas
Um, yeah, you DID contribute. Hugely.
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@Douglas What a beautiful contribution to our discussion. Have you thought about being a Big Brother?
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Thank you for a much-needed break from the constant barrage of news we have to endure these days.
I wish the writer much happiness this new phase of his life.
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Lovely article. It made me think of my parents who are now the proud grandparents of my 6 and 4 year old. Made me smile thinking they are experiencing the same. Thank you.
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A sweet article on the act of falling into a love that does not concern itself with the Future. However, I think being a parent, a mother, does not prevent one from knowing this bliss. Watching my children as babies has brought me the greatest joy I've ever known, and helped me to turn toward a decidedly more spiritual, open life.
There is a shadow side to the grandparent/baby obsession: my mother was fairly oblivious and neglectful as a parent. Now I see her with my children, noting their every little movement and pattern, and sometimes I cannot help but wonder, "Where was that when I needed it?"
It sounds like that was not your issue as a parent though! Enjoy these years of connection and light; as you know they do indeed go by too fast!
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I think it's age as much as anything. The older we get the more we appreciate the nuance of simplicity and the gift of life. I was 47 when our oldest was born, 51 when our twins arrived. Much of what you describe so lovingly as a grandparent, I experienced, and continue to experience, as a parent. If our children had arrived when I was 27 and 31 it would have been a far different experience for me. I was always in a hurry, putting myself first, rarely living in the moment. Ambition and attainment ruled the roost. By the time I had my kids I was passed all that futility. I cried and cried tears of joy when our kids arrived. And now they're 13 and 9 and I still spontaneously cry when I look at them for no other reason than sheer astonishment.
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@Bill Simpson: you were incredibly lucky they were healthy and normal. Fathering children at 50 brings a high risk of autism and Down's syndrome.
And of course, they'll take after you and postpone fatherhood until THEY are 52....so you will never be a grandfather.
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Just 5 years ago, I became a grandparent. Now I have 5 grandchildren. I have had the great, and rare, good fortune of having all of them living nearby.
My wife and I can be frequent babysitters, close enough to see the changes, but far enough away to gain some perspective.
It is much easier to see changes and tendencies as positive as your grandchildren grow when freed of the day to day challenges and concerns of parenting. Our almost 2 year old shows empathy for his almost 3 year old cousin, soothing her when she gets upset--and now she, atypically, shares her toys, laps, nap-time and stories with her younger cousin. Meanwhile, their two 5 year-old big sisters are co-conspirators, designing adventures for themselves whenever they are together.
Children are our future. We owe them a planet and life as good or better than the one we have, and the ones we gave our own children.
Grandchildren teach us this with every encounter. We need to learn--and act.
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Just gorgeous. Thank you, and best wishes.
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Jim ... you were a neurotic parent who had trouble relaxing.
This is a very common but disturbing psychological affliction.
It's good to see that you finally grew and up and learned to relax and enjoy life....but there's no reason it should've taken you until grandparenthood to achieve such a simple state of human joy.
Don't let this happen to you, new parents.
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@Socrates right on. I had my kids in my late 40s and early 50s when I was far more settled and so have experienced fatherhood the way this gentleman has experienced grandparenthood. Most men have their children when they're far too young to appreciate the incredible gift that has been bestowed upon them.
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@Bill Simpson
I had my kids between 30-35 and loved every minute of it. Best time of my life. I think it's just a personality type. And women can't wait until 48-53 to have kids.
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@Socrates: Sorry, but in raising 5 children, I don't think Jim was neurotic; I think Jim experienced what's called "parental responsibility" and his children are better off because of it!
Parents shouldn't be so relaxed - and when they are, frankly I worry about the parents. I see too many "relaxed" parents walking around, glued to their phones, not paying attention to their children whether they're on the street, in the park, at a store, or at home.
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That's just lovely. Thank you.
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Lovely piece! Sorry you missed it the first time around.
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Mr. Sollisch has captured the rapture of being a grandparent perfectly. Who could have imagined anything better than raising your own children ... until this unbelievable experience? Thank you for putting it into words.
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When I see a newborn I uncontrollably grin from ear to ear. They are so amazing and wonderful.
In the next moment I think of the world they have inherited and the feeling vanishes.
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@redmist The thing to do is remember that the new being you are looking at may just be the one to do something tremendous to save something in this old world....
Beautiful. My kids are only teenagers, but I can see this day coming!
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Thanks for trying, but as a grandparent I know that trying to explain to a non-grandparent what we experience is impossible! There is no other feeling in life like it, and one has to live it to know it. There's no other way.
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@Sgscalese completely agree. I was told it was the best experience, but I didn't really understand it until it happened to me.
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@Sgscalese: ah, well, I'll boil it down for you then. You get all THE FUN PARTS of parenting with NONE of the bad stuff....no sleepless nights, no labor and delivery....no breastfeeding...no stretch marks...no episiotomy....no caesarean scars....ONLY the fun times, playing and going out for ice cream and getting buy adorable clothes and toys....and now, as an oldster, you have money to spare for just this purpose. And it is irrefutable PROOF that you -- your DNA -- your biological line -- is secured for the future....at least the next 90 years!
YAY!
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"I look forward to learning more about this other kind of joy."
Unfettered. Makes your heart sing.
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