I am the babysitter for my grandson, age 13 months. I moved from east coast to west and live 1/2 mile from my daughter. If I hadn’t done this eight months ago, my grandson would not even know me. I love that little guy at all my heart. He has changed my life immensely in a good way.
My son recently told his kids that grandma want always so much fun. Ha! I frequently comment that being a grandmother is the reward for not killing your teenagers.
4
My wife and I are physically far removed from our grandchildren. Facetime is fun but not really an adequate substitute. Still, whoever in my generation would have thought we could have daily photos and videos of our little ones? We miss being with them, but also appreciate they are well cared for. As they get older, we plan on taking trips with them in order to close the familiarity gap a bit before they are in there teens (God willing). I agree with the author, it is very different being grandparents rather than parents. We, and our circumstances, are very different than when my wife and I had a todler of our own. I was personally self employed for many years. It was fortunate for me to have time to spend several hours of most days with our daughter from the time she was a baby. Late in the afternoon, my wife would take over when she returned from her work. Today, we live far from our grand kids but somehow manage to stay relatively close through technology and periodic visits. My daughter is especially careful to tune us in when it counts throughout each week. We are truly blessed.
I don’t think too many young people look ahead and think, “I can’t wait to be a grand parent!”, especially in our youth obsessed culture. I was certainly not thinking about it. What an unexpected joy it has been to become one.
My wife and I provide a lot of childcare for our grand children. I can be exhausting especially as we age. But we love it and look forward to being with them.
There is nothing better than the front door bursting open and having three little beings rush into the house as I kneel down so they can all jump into my arms and hug me.
There are so many joys at this stage of life. Grand children are one of the best.
2
Grandchildren are the most wonderful gift to us who reach this stage in life.
My maternal grandparents were very involved in my life and if I’m being honest were the only consistent, rock solid source of love throughout my life. I don’t know if anyone will ever love me like they did. I in turn adored them, though I wasn’t always as good to them as I should’ve been. My grandfather passed away before I grew out of my unstable young adult phase, but I got to return some of the love and care my grandmother gave me during the later years of her life. I miss them and think about them every day. My one year old is named after my grandfather, and I hope he grows up to emulate him. The positive impact grandparents can have on their grandchildrens lives is immense.
5
Our 3 sons have given us with 2 lovely, funny, smart granddaughters act, the oldest of whom is starting kindergarten on Monday. There’s nothing I’d rather do than play and read and run and ride bikes and swim with those girls who are the light of my life.
2
Sadly, our grandchildren live in another state. We are not allowed to have their cell numbers, and literally have no direct contact. Their mom has forbidden them to call us or our side of the family. For years we’ve sent cards, money, packages with little or no thank you. We’ve missed grandparents day at school. Now teenagers, it is a rare occasion when our son will call- last time was Mother’s Day and allow a few moments of conversation with the kids. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. They have taken away all the pleasures of grand parenting.
2
Love the relaxing life of no grandkids. Been there, done that.
Our offspring are so much better off not having to raise kids in these trying times of no playtime and over scheduled free time. I feel sorry for all the newborns and afflicted teens living thru these times. We thank our offspring for not procreating and adding to the world in turmoil and they are happy giving much needed homes to many pets. We also respect those elders reliving their parenting years giving grandkids lots of love which they seriously need.
3
'It’s still diaper-changing and storybooks, so why does it feel so different from raising our own kids?'
I'm guessing the sense of control and freedom of choice.
Parents with non-stop screaming kids at tantrum time on any day's witching hour might feel horribly trapped in an out-of-control situation they don't remember signing up for.
Grandparents who can walk away and relax without further expectation that day can feel the joy of shared moments with precious young ones.
I didn't have kids, but volunteered for 5 years with after-school childcare for 5-11yo kids.
One day a small girl who enjoyed my company went red-faced angry when her father walked in and said to her 'hurry up let's go' then went to stand away waiting for her to drop everything
she flushed for a few moments, then perhaps feeling my silent company as support, stormed over to her father angrily to show she was not ready to leave, then came and sat down beside me in a huff and continued her not-yet-finished craft.
the father, feeling admonished, first stood off for a bit, then edged closer, finally looking at what she was making before meekly suggesting a choice of colour for the next bit
well - that changed everything - within seconds she dropped everything, reached her arm up to take her father's hand, and walked off happily to go home
she had been acknowledged and loved him for that.
asserting a free choice, she left of her own free will - feeling empowered, happy, loving.
6
I have a 5 month old grandson and have been pondering on how I could love someone I’ve known for such a short time so much , and how the time, when I’m with him, just flies by.
For me it’s a combination of reliving my own son at that age, not being exhausted and feeling things will work out. The worry, the sleepless nights and the feelings of inadequacy are absent thus allowing me to enjoy every moment and knowing that each stage is so brief and must be enjoyed. I can’t remember feeling this much joy in such a long time.
6
Yes, definitely feel like being sillier, singing out loud with my granddaughter (her sister is still too young for singing, but we will), having long sometimes nonsensical conversations. I am in love with them. It’s so true that my kids ask me if I remember this ormthat about their childhood, and sometimes I am really stumped and they roll their eyes at me. I didn’t forget it, I may not even registered it at the time, I was consumed with raising them, feeding, washing, housekeeping, school work, my own job. It’s good to read I’m not the only one who can’t summon up some of those memories, but I am savoring the new ones now.
4
I am a young MiMi, and am thrilled that my grandkids spend a lot of time with me! We play in the garden when they come over, and they can tell the difference between potatoes and tomatoes, and know that hollyhocks are the gigantic flowers, and sweet peas are the climbers, and that everything does better with as much water as they can spray or lug over in a watering can. I cook them eggs over easy, and they play in the back room.
They are my happy place. And I am their silly place. And we love each other so much.
4
My only granddaughter, born just before the pandemic, is the love of my life. When her mother returned to work (both virtually and physically), I cared for her for 4 days a week. It was exhausting but delightful as I watched her change right before my eyes (so it seemed.) I’ve determined to be the warm, loving grandparent that I missed out on as a child; I want her to know that she is always loved and wonderful just as she is.
2
We made post-pandemic flight to see grandkids back east while parents took brief getaway. Granddaughter, 5, had made an outdoor Fairy Garden that was muddy, bug-filled mess. While they were in half-day camp, I remade the garden with colorful gravel, seashells, blue marbles for a lake and so on. When she saw it, our granddaughter shrieked with delight. “The fairies are so kind!” she exclaimed. Her 7-year-old brother looked me straight in the eye and asked if it was “really the fairies.” I shrugged and said it must have been. I thought the jig was up. But he raced into the house, returned with armload of action figures and began construction on a “Superhero Garden.” He explained to his sister that now they would “protect the fairies.” I could have died right then, feeling my job on earth was complete.
11
It feels different, a lot more relaxed because you know that you are the one that the child depends on totally. Whether it is visit or babysitting duty, you know that the parents are the primary caregiver, so you can relax and enjoy the child.
"Grandparents and grandkids get along so well because they have a common enemy: the parent," is not entirely in jest.
My kids are only teenagers but already I dream of the days when I can be with my grandchildren, and love them without all the pressures of parenting.
3
My life for the last 19 years has been blessed by the opportunity to help raise several of my grandchildren while my daughter achieved her teaching credential and established herself as an elementary school teacher and gig string player! I even had the priveledge of holding my sleeping grand-daughter while her mom received her undergraduate degree! Ironically I am finding it a challenge to communicate my accumulated wisdom to my now 7 grandchildren (via son as well) as at 84 I scare the baby!
4
I was a single parent for years and I stressed about everything. My daughter's childhood is a blur in my mind (with a few cherished memories). When my granddaughter came along, I never knew what I was missing. I say. "being a grandparent is the best thing ever." Although I have a crazy work schedule, I still manage to spend time with my four year old granddaughter every week. When I retire in 2 years I hope to volunteer in her classroom and just be present to savor the precious moments.
2
The Grandparent experience is particularly sweet for those of us who married into somewhat older stepchildren and missed the "earlier years". Now I am enjoying the toddler years of a little fellow who according to his Grandma, is a lot like his dad was as a kid.
3
I do agree that so much of the utter enjoyment of grandparenting has to do with being older, wiser, and more sure of what's important in life. On the other hand... now that my oldest granddaughter is becoming a preteen with all that goes along with that age, I find that I worry about her at times, as well as worrying about my daughter, her mother, and how she is as she parents her. So yes... so much enjoyment, sometimes double the worry.
3
Ms Span is lucky to be living near her grandchild. For those of us who live in another country or in another city far away, Zoom visits are a poor substitute for spending time in person and there are no hugs and kisses that make it through the screen. I suppose the technology provides some fleeting contact which would not exist otherwise, but it doesn't allow for a genuine connection. And when, on the rare occasions (particularly because of the two year pandemic separation) we manage to be physically present, the grandparent - grandchild relationship has to be re-established from almost zero. It's very sad.
1
In this crazy world that we live in today, where I read the New York Times daily to make sure we still have a country; the one thing that puts an instant big smile on my face is the many pics, videos and facetime calls of my precious grandchildren that live in another state. (age 5 & 7) Having my 3 children was one of the most wonderful experiences in my life; I cherished every minute of it, even though it was totally chaotic. But....when I see those two little grandchildren, my heart just melts.
3
I have several grandchildren, but I had the most day to day contact with the oldest, who is now seventeen. I moved to be close by when he was born (from Vermont to Atlanta) and got to see his milestones firsthand. A few weeks ago I saw him for the first time since December 2019. We both made note of the fact that we felt as close as ever, in spite of the time lapse. Just as it is with good friends. We text, we talk, I follow him on Instagram, I coax my daughter to go easy(er) on him. It's so beautiful to see him becoming a man knowing I may have had a little something to do with it, and having faith that he is becoming someone I really like, not just love.
6
And wonderful for us parents of young children, and those children themselves, to be able to have these models of patience and appreciation in care giving. Thank you to all the grandparents out there for your role in all our lives!
4
Excellent article, but I live 150 miles from my grandchildren. I cared for them immediately after they were born and occasionally when their parents were out of town. But I didn't have daily duty or contact as they grew up. So the years plus their teenage obsession with high tech put some space between us. We are becoming closer now as they mature and I have traded my profession for retirement time.
2
That illustration. Why the typical gray haired woman with a grandfather clock?
6
I have one 4 y/o granddaughter, lucky to have her living next door. I see her daily! As with my own kids, I would walk over hot coals for her! She is the loveliest human on the planet.
3
What a great article and so true. When you have grandchildren, you live in the moment. I was present at three of my five grandchildren's birth, and I took care of them because their mother was at work. I have a visceral love for them all, but beware, once they reach puberty, poof, they're gone. They can barely lift their heads when I see them. They're on their phones. Hi grandma they say, and go right back to their phone. Still, I know they love me, and I understand and accept that we live in a different world now.
2
I absolutely adore being a grandparent (7 and counting!). As both a teacher and a single mom for many years, I was too focused on my children’s achievements, or lack there of, and now I just laugh, smile, and realize that most things work themselves out just fine without my intervention. It’s all of the fun and little of the worry and I cherish the moments knowing how fleeting life is.
4
As a grandfather of five, I have experienced the joy of being with grandchildren, who are affectionately compared to "compound interest" earned, in the Indian-American community. However, I do have problems when the elderly are used as daily babysitters or nannies even if the parents can afford to hire help. Often the grandparents who are unhappy or tired continue to "work" because of emotional reasons or not being able, to tell the truth to their own. In many cases, the husband and wife live in different cities to take care of different sets of grandchildren. In short, the elderly are taken advantage of. Naturally, that is not the case for Paula, but my guess is emotional and physical misuse of the elderly, especially when it is not required for economic reasons, may be present in many immigrant communities.
1
My first grandchild, now one, has indeed been a magical experience. I have given a lot of thought to why this is. Much of what the author says here resonates with me. But, also, this experience has connected me with the future, in a way I had not been before. I understand better long arc, the trials and wonder of family as I think about my granddaughter learning to drive, going to college and maybe having a family (likely after I am gone). She has also given meaning to me as I look back on a long career of hard work, much of which was not fun, but gave me the ability to know spend days hanging out with my granddaughter with no agenda other than to have fun and nuture here. This connection with the future is very meaningful to me in a spiritual way, and one that is hard to fully explain. My granddaughter was a COVID baby, and I am so grateful for this blessing
3
@ NY Reader. Your greatest blessing is being allowed to be a grandparent. Not all parents welcome the relationship.
4
Hi Paula Span:
Irene Dicker, "The Martha Stewart of Interactive Grandparenting" and author of "HAPPY Grandparenting" shares 12 strategies that enhance the grandparenting experience.
Being a grandparent allows us to learn again from our grandchildren... from their interests, from their communications and many questions, from their successes and their challenges, from what makes them happy and sad, and their ever-changing lives at home, in playing, at school, and with their many activities. When they explore they take us along, and we gain tremendously from participating together in the experiences.
5
Yes, very very true. However, I disagree with the hypothesis that the "Joy of Grandparenting" is largely due to not having to multitask-- being a "step away from the worries about everyday struggles." I was a full-time stay at home mother of two in the 70's and 80's. That time at home, although difficult and demanding, felt well-spent even at the time. It was personally fulfilling mostly on an existential level. It was a good choice for me.
And yet I feel many of the differences described in the article. I think that with my grandchildren, it's the perspective of life lessons that has changed. Yes, I'm less anxious than I was (Laura Carstensen's finding is brilliant). Maybe it's because I know I can have a rest "tomorrow". But mostly I think it's because I have a distance that comes with maturity, knowledge of people and life. Often it's the ability to laugh at what 30 years ago was annoying. Now it's funny (not always cute). I can see what they are telling me with their behavior. No longer a primary goal to get them to do what I want.
It's also fun to see the aspects of their parents reflected in the growing grandchildren. And finally, it reminds me of what it felt like to be young--changing diapers and pushing a stroller are behaviors that are embedded in the identity of being a "young parent." Whether it's remembering the feeling or actually HAVING the feeling of being young, I don't know. I just love the time with those grandkids.
3
This is just lovely. Sharing with my children's own bubbe -- having lost my dad, too young, when my oldest child was two, I am SO GRATEFUL she's here! (And her Bubbe Day is Tuesday.)
3
Deep, broad, honest, written with a delightful touch of good and self-effacing humor. "All the joy and none of the worry" says one granny. Lucky Bartola: Thursdays with Bubba! And lucky Bubba that she can pay such rapt attention to her charming granddaughter! -- More great, great writing by the inimitable Paula Span! -- Maya Angelou was right about Paula: "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have."
1
Lovely article. Same goes for being a real or an adopted uncle.
2
Pitch perfect Paula Span. I love this column. Keep ‘em coming!
I think the math has already been done. In a way it is rocket science. Think of the book Flatland.
It is about two subset of humans, out of the zone of busy ness, who experience time differently than the subset of the ones in the middle.
That is enough for me to extrapolate. The rest is mystery to fill in with love or indifference, either way is possible depending on your own Weltanschaung. I do not want facebook or science to solve it more than that.
I like to experience children on the lowest rung of physical need. Shelter, clothing with minimal laundry, and food the only consumerist requirement. Perhaps a stick and a string to perform crafts or make a bow and arrow. And while it is excellent to enjoy books, it is even more exciting and good mental exercise to just tell a story, one from your own imagination, or one that is memorized from a library book. This is not what has been marketed toward grandparent Happiness.
And, yes, at the ages between 7-10 or maybe the age of electronics, they start to Balk. If I am lucky, i get 7 days a year to do this on my terms, my home, my rules. Sometimes that is not always possible. I’ve been at this for over 13 years. It has its joys. It has its disappointments.
1
I’m a fairly new grandparent. I don’t really want to hear how advanced, intelligent, precocious my friends’ grandchildren are so I don’t talk about mine, nor do I carry my phone to show pictures or assorted other things. I just say we had a nice visit and the kids are great. Yours are adorable.
But am I wrong to want to tell my child and spouse that I think bringing an iPad to every meal is not a good idea? Without the iPad there is screaming. But my suggestion is shut down and I’m told I don’t know anything about parenting today.
The habit will be more difficult to break each successive day and I can see how it interferes.
I’m eager to see my grandchildren whenever there’s an agreeable opportunity but in the iPad situation it is certainly less enjoyable.
Shouldn’t grandparents get a little respect in these cases? Isn’t an occasional suggestion on an important matter deserving of consideration?
7
I guess it it deserves a full fledge smile/laugh that my dad would have to remind my kids at every meal,
“NO baseball caps at the dinner table!”
when my mom would call them in for supper.
1
You might refer the parents to recommendations by the American Academy of Pediatrics on strictly limiting screen time for children, based on their ages. No screens for under 2’s, for example. Sometimes people are more receptive to the same message if it comes from an expert rather than a family member.
1
The one thing the article did not mention was just how important grandparents are for the natural development of children even when both parents are available. I don't believe science has paid enough attention to this reality. I didn't come to this realization until i became a grandparent myself.
3
Isn’t this as much about your age as it is about your status as grandparents? It sounds to me like the simple fact that you’re out of the workforce, less concerned about everyday stresses of life, and able to give all of your attention to the single task at hand is what brings out most of the joy. I wonder if you had your own child today, might you feel the same way.
5
We have 3 wonderful grandchildren. The 2 who live the next town over will be joining us in our camper for a few days on the Cape this summer, the third summer for the older, the first for his sister. To hear the older tell his sister all the things she was going to experience was so gratifying. They will be learning and doing things with just us and making memories that will last a lifetime. And we can’t promise to be held to the “one sweet a day” rule! We will make our third photo book of our adventures, one for them and one for us. We wouldn’t have it any other way. I only wish our other grandchild could be with us too.
1
My only grandchild is a 3 year old boy and I am so lucky in that I have him with me one day a week while his mother, my daughter, works. He is extremely active and in constant exploration mode. Raising her prepared me well ! He was helping me vacuum last week when he took the opportunity to remove and partly empty the bag less canister on the floor. I turned and said : " Oh honey, I wish that you had not done that. " He said : " Well, Grandma, it wasn't obvious. "
I was so entertained and proud of him for his ability to use the word " obvious " correctly and his nimbleness in defending himself is such an advanced , mature , reasoned way. As a young and much more harried and busy parent my reaction might have been more about the mess and the time consumed by it.
I do think that this is one of the lovely differences in grand parenting. If you are very lucky you might have the time and opportunity to truly slow down and watch the child unfold in all his wonder. And I did try hard to consciously make time when my own children were toddlers. But it was more of an exhausting blur.
I don't relate to the comments from grandparents who say they can't stand the whining and bickering and don't enjoy the grandchildren. Tell them to knock it off at your house. Adults being consistently in charge is good for children and everyone is happier when children are civilized. This is a group effort.
12
My own grandfather Harry played such a huge role in my first 10 years. While my parents were too busy with work it was Harry who picked me up from school, took me to PO, to the hardware store and around town. He spent hours with me talking about science, doing word and numbers puzzles and so much more. Now, in my sixties I cannot wait to be a grandfather too and with the first of my three kids getting married this fall I just might get the chance someday.
5
I tell them that they are perfect. Even if that is not quite true, I want them to know that someone thought that they were. They love my stories about penny candy and ten cent comic books. They love to sneak looks in my purse when I visit to see what goodies are there for them. I look at these beloved little people and think to myself "Were it not for me, the world would not be blessed with these glorious beings." They are without a doubt my greatest accomplishment and easily the most fun any human being should be allowed to have.
9
My grandson, 18 months old, is the joy of my life. I grew up on a small Pa farm and my grandparents lived on a nearby farm. They loved me without reservation and I them
I believe that wisdom comes with age. I realize now how unimportant most of the things are that parents worry about. Maybe my grandson and I are at similar places in life. What does it matter if the kid drops food everywhere. The dog cleans it up. Kid pukes, dog cleans it up and we laugh. I am teaching him the skills he needs to survive on the farm. Today, he learned to wave gnats away . I taught him to pick blueberries today, only the blue ones. While picking the blueberries, he waved his hands and said, "gnats" . This being a Pa Dutch area, he added a curse word in German after gnats. Honest, I didn't teach him that. Honest! How can I do anything other than love him completely, and that love is returned a million times over.
19
Deep, broad, honest, written with a delightful touch of good and self-effacing humor. "All the joy and none of the worry" says one granny. Lucky Bartola: Thursdays with Bubba! And lucky Bubba that she can pay such wrapped attention to her charming granddaughter! -- More great, great writing by the inimitable Paula Span!
3
When I became a Grandma at 64, two years ago, my first thought was that , by the time Ellie is a grown woman, I’ll probably be dead.
Yes, I’ve always been a glass half-empty girl.
But, the take away is that I am seeing the future. Whatever is left of me when I depart this world, will, in some small way, go on through this wonderful, beautiful, happy little bundle of energy.
I find I am more patient. I am more giving. I would die for her, as I would for her daddy, but it takes on another meaning.
Her parents get to do the hard stuff..the “bad cop”, so to speak. Be the disciplinarians.
I can be her knight(ess) in shining armor and show her the magic of the world. And just reap the hugs and smiles and love.
Life doesn’t get any better.
5
Got two grown kids. Raising them was on balance less than satisfying. Don’t know how I’ll feel if and when they have children. Not holding my breath for it though. Too much else in this life to do
3
Parenting is work. At its best, grand parenting is play.
But I give a hearty shout out to the grandparents who are actively parenting a second set of kids. I hope, in the midst of the stress, they might be able to savor some of the joy that more privileged grandparents have.
14
With my youngest heading off to college this fall, the thought of an empty house fills me with sadness. As a working parent, I too missed many milestone moments with my children that I was probably too busy to notice. My kids were in the sweet and adorable stage before cell phones had cameras. Another poster noted that we had to remember to buy film, bring the camera, get the film developed etc... My mother, also a working mom but retired since my kids were tiny, was great with the sewing machine. One Halloween she made a Mary had a Little Lamb costume for my four year old daughter and a little lamb costume for my one year old son. The costumes were adorable! I got film and remembered the camera. I remembered to drop off the film for development. I was too busy and stressed out to remember to pick up those pictures! To this day I think about how cute those pictures must have been. Of course, I now have a thousand pictures of my hilarious dog on my phone -- and even a few of my cranky teens when they will hold still for a sec.
2
I told my daughter who lives in Queens, I in Manhatten, that I want to be more a part of my only 4 year old grandson’s life. Pick him up from Nursery school once a week and do whatever he wants ( within reason). We don’t need a car, everything is walking distance. I was told I wasn’t capable of doing that with an active child. ( an excuse obviously). It is so much more fun spending time with him on his turf.
He not an overly active child, he’s typical, creative, smart and well behaved.
. My spending time with the parents, myself and him, at a restaurant, where I am expected to pay the bill, listening to them talk to him and to each other, criticizing me for what I say and not including me, is far from being emotionally involved. It’s shameful , so sad and insulting.
I envy the blessed grandparents who are a part of their grandchildren’s lives. ( must be something I’ve done wrong). I was looking forward to this part of life
12
I am so sorry your daughter did not take you up on this. I would see this as a win-win-win situation.
4
Not only don't I have grandkids, I don't even have kids. This is joy, believe it or not!
13
@Eddie Oh, you don't realize all the joy you have missed! I feel a bit sorry for you.
Grand children are better just like girlfriends are better than wives. You’re not stuck with them 24/7.
6
Being a grandparent is divine! It transports me back to when my own children believed in Santa and the tooth fairy and I get to participate in that magic all over again. To hear my granddaughter yell , “nana!”and throw her arms around my knees, is to experience pure love and joy and I feel very honored to be included in her joie de vivre.
24
I used to babysit and only once that a grand parent really involved with their grandchildren’s life. Every time they were in town , they were happy to take over and gave me day or two offs. Most was happy to be done with it ( raising children that is). One was coming from California to NY, but only came at the end of the day. I and her grandson don’t see her all day, and it’s like that the whole week she spent here....that she was seeing friends.
2
I am truly sick and tired of what people in brooklyn think and do. How about leaving your New York bubble and discover how non nww Yorkers think, feel and do. From an x New Yorker.
1
It's called the New York Times, not the Omaha Times, or the Boise Times.
26
Do you think grandparents outside of New York feel differently? I live in Nashille, and I feel exactly the same!
14
Guess what, I'm a Parisian Nana and just as delighted to spend time with my three year old grandson who's growing up bilingual. This spring I bought him an English children's book about Paris and we're playing being tourists in our own city taking the bateau bus on the Seine to take us to all the museums that run children's programs. "All the joy, none of the responsibilities" applies internationally. I'm a writer and not always generous with my time but when I hear daycares are going to be in strike I'm delighted to come to the rescue.
7
When you are a 20 something first time parent it is daunting, to say the least. When the first grand baby arrives it is so simple compared to teenagers, you know all the tricks. Besides kids just like old people. When the boy is here we focus on him, they savor the attention.
8
There’s a good reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well: they share a common enemy.
57
Thanks for some welcome joy in times of sadness and rage. I have step-grandchildren, whom I love, and am proud of. This also reminded me of times with my grandfather. He smoked a pipe, and kept a meerschaum pipe in his rack for me to "smoke" bubbles beside him when he paused for his own smoke.
11
We missed being stay-at-home parents, but are now joyful stay-at-home (part time) grandparents. The parents are wonderful, we give them a well deserved break while we get to share the upbringing of their/our child. For grandparents who are remote, we suggest an app called Tiny Beans. Parents can post cell phone pictures and short videos to a calendar. Even for us, it is amazing to watch his development day by day. We recommend it.
10
My expectation of grandparenting was based on the history of my own children, whose close relationship with my parents was cultivated and supported by me. My son calls me almost daily to chat (and I am very grateful for that), but neither he nor his wife care one whit whether I ever see my grandchildren. I know others to whom this has happened, and it is very painful and unexpected.
14
If I had known how wonderful it is to be a grandparent, I would have had more than one child!
19
I'm a great aunt. SO much fun, and I didn't have to endure parenthood to get the job.
11
We have been privileged to be caregivers for almost all of our grandchildren--from when they were three months old to three years old.
Our oldest grandson just got married, but I still remember asking him "what does the bird do" (in Hebrew) when he was one and a half, expecting him to say "cheep cheep" and he answered (also in Hebrew) "It flies"
We currently have a group of two and a half to almost three year olds and a nine month old--all girls--who danced and pranced at their cousins wedding.
It has been truly magical--as raising their parents was in a different way (now there is no laundry) We await our forty-first grandchild with the same anticipation and excitement--maybe even more than we did our first.
13
Grandchildren are the most beautiful love story of your life.
52
What a beautiful comment.
15
Wonderful article, except for one foolish sentence: "Grandparents who are distant, geographically or otherwise, probably also have different experiences." I assume the author has not experienced this (yet?). No amount of Skype or Facetime equates to a hug, or to the simple unstructured bliss of just "hanging out" with a grandkid.
6
True, but thank heavens for skype anyway. Watching it, I got to see my granddaughter take her first steps from 2000 miles away. It beats a phone call.
9
Best expression about being a grandparent was from my family doctor when he said you are now the candy. But the biggest joy also is witnessing your own kids being a parent
31
We new grandparents watch with wonder a kind of time lapse photo sequence—the joy of moments without most of the messy parenting stuff in between. How lucky we are if we have the time, resources and adult children willing to trust us with their magical child.
7
Ah that is sweet .. I see grandparents with their kids most days .. and always have thought how serene they appear compared with the young parents with their kids under 5 and their often anxious faces .
Makes sense .
Cultures that revere old age - or used to - appreciated the wisdom of old age ( yes they are definitely the wise ones in many ways are they not ? compared to the iPhone lugging millennial crowd) in dealing with little ones.
4
My son and daughter-in-law have been very clear that they will never have children. And that is their choice and right. I don't argue with them about this. Their life is theirs to live. Not mine. But, I found it interesting that when I did tell my son during a mother-son chat some years ago about a wide range of things that "I'll find some kids to grandparent," he was hurt!
I guess it had never occurred to him that the World of Mom didn't stop with him. Or that she (still) has lots of love to share and would like to nurture and enjoy some little ones for the next 30 to 40 years.
36
I have experienced the exact same situation, when my son informed me that his fiancée didn’t want children because of her experiences in nursing school. I was devastated, selfishly so, because it never occurred to me that the decision wasn’t his...or mine...to make!
6
Not yours to make I get it. But not his decision to make?
Well, firstly, he may have decided he doesn't want children but also doesn't want to have others attempting to influence him. Some people have boundary issues especially when selfish issues like children are involved, and won't stop harassing no matter what. Removing agency is a convenient deflection, or may be the only "polite" solution available.
Secondly, if his fiancee's decision not to have children is even true in the first place, but he wishes to have children, he can also decide to find a partner more compatible to his life goals. But there are other explanations for his choice. He might not want kids, or the couple might have fertility issues neither wishes to discuss. Etc, etc, ad infinitum. It's none of your business, really.
Your sole responsibility here IMHO is to ensure your child can see his choices clearly and exercises agency.
1
You are right,being a grandparent is the best. For me it opened a whole new level of love I didn't think was possible. Every time I here, " Gigi", that level of loves goes beyond measure!
3
The day after her parents brought my first grandchild home from the hospital, I dropped by, picked up the baby, held it for a few minutes, gave it back, walked out, and thought "YES! That worked just the way they said it would!"
10
I used to think I disliked "kiddos". Now I realize it's the parents and grandparents who I dislike. Somehow we've become the culture of Adults should be seen and not heard. I'm glad you love your grandkids but the key word is they are YOURS not mine and I don't share your unmitigated joy in their bad behavior. And No I'm not switching my aisle seat for some random middle so you can sit together.
26
Only a grandparent can know the joy—pure unfettered joy—of having grandchildren. You missed it, sourpuss.
25
If this is the comment you're going to post on an article about the joys of being a grandparent, I fervently hope you don't have have any grandchildren (or children) of your own!
17
Oh just move your seat. Will it kill you, Karen?
7
Woven through this story is the undertone of regret. Maybe we shouldn't shame mothers into working. Maybe we shouldn't tax married couples for raising their children.
8
I don’t know of a single woman who was “shamed” into working. Some of my friends were SAHMs and some worked all the way through their children’s childhood (aside from a brief break to recover from the birth). Each woman made the best choice for their family.
For some of those who worked, being a single parent left them no choice but to work to support their children. Before we judge single parents, let’s remember that single parenthood can happen through death of a spouse, abandonment, divorce, escape from an abusive relationship, or myriad other reasons.
We will always have women working to support families, either by choice or by necessity. Let’s not pretend that there is only one way to be a good parent.
Let’s not judge those who do things a little differently than we did/do. It takes all kinds of people to make our country and world the vibrant, interesting places that they are.
13
I think even SAH parents probably have this experience of grandparent hood. Even if you stay home, the pressures and responsibilities of parenthood make it a different experience than the sweet relationship I see with my kids and their grandmother. The SAH moms I know are just as sleep deprived and harried as I am. And I’m not sure they really get to spend all that much more “wants nothing” time with their kids than I do.
I fundamentally feel responsible for doing what I can to turn them into functioning, responsible and healthy adults. My mom gets to just enjoy their company.
And she has the knowledge built into her bones that I’m just acquiring in hindsight - this time is so short, and the stuff you do doesn’t matter as much as you like to think it does. You can hear that lesson as often as you like, but the knowledge that comes from experience is different.
3
I assure you, it happens at least monthly to my wife. "You're such a talented person, it's a shame you're not using them.", impliying that raising our children is a waste.
8
I just became a grandpa two weeks ago to a beautiful baby girl. This is going to such fun!
23
We are custodial grand/parents — but most of this article still rings true for us. Even though we are raising a first grader who is unpacking an early life spent in violence and chaos, there is something more relaxed about Round Two. It’s an opportunity I wouldn’t have sought but now wouldn’t give up.
72
Kudos to you and the child's grandmother sir. I spend a fair amount of time with my grandchildren, but I am not totally responsible for them and think that I am glad of that fact. I can have a different relationship. I also don't have the energy I did with their parent.
Best wishes, mostly what they need is love and you are providing that.
4
Lots of respect for you. I may be in the same situation soon.
I will be ready and welcoming if it comes to pass.
3
I was fortunate enough to have the choice of staying home with my three children (now 21, 18, 15) and was able to experience their everyday lives as they unfolded. Reading this article really highlighted how lucky I am that I didn't have to wait to become a grandparent to enjoy shadow chasing, silly dances, and endless questions. Watching my middle child gently carry a caterpillar from the busy sidewalk to safety is forever burned in my mind. No video necessary.
One takeaway for stay-at-home and working parents alike is to enjoy the moment, knowing that not everything needs to be photographed for Instagram. I'd fallen into that habit as well, until my young teen recently scolded me for reaching for my phone instead of "just living it." I understand there's a sweetness in being a grandparent (as there was for my mom), but we can all enjoy our children if we relax, put the phone down, and just listen.
21
Yes yes yes! As I tell my son and daughter-in-law who have given me the world's best grandsons, I'm no longer responsible for making them grow up to be good people (that's their job!). I just get to love them. It's bliss.
13
The start of this school year will see my two day a week grandparenting of two granddaughters, now 7 and 5 come to an end.
This year had already brought a big change as the older started first grade but the younger only attended a part time pre school.
You are so right in all you say and I mumble a bit when my daughter asks when or what or if SHE experienced some new thing the girls are doing. I cannot remember because it wasn’t noted? Because I worked and was a bit frazzled? Because I didn’t then understand how quickly the child she was would turn into a teen who did not hold me, her mother, in as high esteem as the little girl she had been, did?
The writer is lucky and I am lucky too. I’ve learned so much these past few years on those two days a week and I am very sad I was absent in many ways when my daughter was doing the same things.
4
What a wonderful and inspiring story.We have two granddaughters now 17 and 19 and have always been part of their life even if we had to travel 120 miles each way to see them or pick them up.They fondly remember nonna's pastina, nonno's piggyback rides,attending Met and Broadway shows with the obligatory meal at Ollie's or Artie's deli.Than the yearly beach vacation on the Jersey shore.Understandably,we don't see them as much now but we feel blessed to have been part of their life an see them become accomplished adults.
13
Actually I never had a nanny and had plenty of 8-hour days with my children, believe it or not.
4
Apparently, being a grandparent is now providing the joy so many missed when their own children were growing up. I was a SAHM and I experienced all these things every single day. It WAS my career and I loved it and was pretty darned good at it as well!
I adore my grandchildren. Two live locally and when they were younger, I saw them almost daily - was there to supervise homework after school through 5th grade. I don't get to see them as much now and I miss them dreadfully. My eldest will be going to university this fall and I am experiencing "empty nest syndrome" all over again! I will miss that boy SO much!
Two live across the country and I don't get to see them as often. I wish I did - they are darling children.
I'm so glad my daughter took my advice and had her children before she was 30. She postponed her career until they were in school and it has not hurt it one bit. And they had HER during those early years! It also meant that I was young enough to help out and be able to be an active grandmother with my grandchildren.
All this postponing pregnancy until late 30's-early 40's, means that time with a grandparent is short and limited in many ways. It's a very special relationship and we will one day have no one remember just how special it can be.
8
My late mother-in-law, who had 3 kids and 5 grandkids, was fond of saying that if she had known how much fun grandkids are, she would have had them first. I can't wait to find out if she was right.
20
You captured the experience perfectly Paula. Nothing beats being a grandparent. It’s the best way in this “mindfulness-centered”era to “be here now”!
8
I like to joke that when my grandkids are around the house I fall into a state of joyful ecstasy .
7
Extremely grateful for NO grandkids--been there, done that and now free to do whatever and no worries--especially sad for kids growing up today with so little play time and no free summers to roam the countryside day in and day out with their friends doing whatever they imagined--we compliment our kids often for not procreating in this enviornment!
They are super intelligent kids!
12
So well-written! Love reading this column by Paula Span. Personal and insightful.
5
If I could offer thoughts to first time parents and grandparents it would be to do the best you can to resurrect your earliest memories of your own childhood. Because that which you remember is exactly where the child's life is. Bring them back to the surface, hold them in your mind and then go play with your child.
That's it in a nutshell, memory and play. You might just discover that there is nothing more marvelous than to find yourself bathed in the laughter of children (all children, really) as you use those memories to entertain, instruct and delight them. That's it; now go play!
John~
American Net'Zen
4
Our first grandchild (a boy) is due in October. Thanks for a wonderful preview of what we can expect to enjoy as grandparents!
3
It has been an utter joy spending time with my granddaughter. To my delight, it has been thrilling to watch my daughter be a mother.
14
Yes! I’m so proud of my daughter!
4
Having involved grandparents can be one of the best parts of childhood. But it is getting less common.
People are having children later in life, which means that there are fewer years to be spent with grandparents. I was 37 when my kids were born, and my mother was well into her 70’s. My father had already died. My spouse’s parents were already in their 80’s, and died when my children were little. My mother is essentially the only grandparent my kids will know.
Combined with the fact that many people no longer live near their grandparents, this is a sad generational disconnect. It’s not even about “childcare “, it’s about knowing where you came from. No grandparent should feel pressure to be a babysitter. Some aren’t good at it or just want to pursue their own interests in retirement. But all parents and grandparents should find as much time as possible to be connected to tell family stories and perspectives.
Frankly, I wish I’d had my kids earlier, mostly so they would have had more grandparenting!
40
Aww, it’s sweet of you to think about this. My first grandchild was born when I was 64 and my husband 70. 4 years later our 2nd was born. The other grandparents are also in their 70s. We moved to back to the city where they live to get as much time with them as possible, and be as much help as possible. While we are both still healthy, we are certainly far from as energetic as we would have been in our 50s and sometimes we do wish we could have taken on this gig earlier - Not to mention it’s bittersweet to think of the milestones that we certainly will not still be around to witness. That said, we had actually resigned ourselves to never having grandchildren, and their arrival, even this late, has been such a gift and a joy that we cannot complain. I hope your mom and your children have a spectacularly loving relationship.
17
I too constantly am figuring out how many healthy years I have left to enjoy my beloved granddaughter. I’m 73. She’s 5.
10
I moved from my beloved home in Brooklyn to Cambridge last year so that I could spend more time with my now two-year-old granddaughter, and it has all been worth it. She and her parents come to my house for dinner every Wednesday. It's a joy to be helping them with one of their many chores while I get to see how the little one has changed in just a few days.
While disruptive, this move has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I recommend it to anyone who is missing the grandkids.
16
This was interesting for me to read, because I had the luxury of staying home full time with my children. In some ways my experiences were the same as they are now as a grandparent.
11
There's a flip side to this story: the sadness of parents who are unable to be emotionally available to their children, yet who lavish attention on their grandchildren. I have firsthand experience (my grandfather, and now my mother) in seeing this phenomenon, which can appear like the older generation essentially giving up on building a connection with their own children, while skipping right to their grandchildren.
Wouldn't it be even better, if we could apply some of these lessons, about what makes grandparenting so rewarding, to parenting our own children as well?
44
My father is such a wonderful grandparent to my children. He makes a large effort to reach out to them and inquire about their thoughts and feelings. He spends as much time with them as a cross-country grandparent can. He was a largely absent father, more preoccupied with building his quite accomplished career. It brings tears to my eyes to see the relationships he has with my children for their sake and his.
10
This was a great article. As a first time grandparent, with a 14 month old, very active grandson I now appreciate “The Joy of Grandparenting”.
It is so true this is a much calmer and more pleasant experience than when we raised our sons. We were in our early thirties and should have been more relaxed. With our first child we were always concerned about being “perfect” parents. This wore off to some extent with the second child.
Now we realize it is much more important that everyone is having a good time. So what if there is spaghetti on the floor, our grandson is smiling, heartily eating a food for the first time and enjoying his lunch. We can always clean the kitchen floor later.
We need to read and re-read “Old McDonald” for a third and fourth time. He is engaged, helping to turn the pages and making gurgling noises, a happy baby.
We can’t wait for the next grandchild!
17
Great column. Personal, lighthearted, but covers the subject from every angle and brings in a bunch of interesting voices to bolster her points.
3
" wondered since what makes grand parenting feel so special, in some ways more indelible than parenting itself" so well said!
Of course the context of grand parenting will vary greatly according to the prevailing customs of the society.
I can talk of a typical Indian grand parenting. They play different roles to emphasize their vital link in the family. With the valuable old world experience they are able to metamorphose from advisers and listeners to mediators and friends, to offer support and stability. Do the balancing act all the time between their children and often successfully bridge the gap between them.
Indian culture is rich and varied. Only few children realize its value. It's often left to the grandparents to make youngsters appreciate the values of tradition and the related moral and religious values. Though many customs may seem redundant today, but some have eternal value. Respect for parents, and loyalty towards them is something unique in Indian heritage. Grandparents try to hand down extent possible to the children.
The ability to Love, shower affection, and willingness to help and comfort their grand children has made grandparents indispensable. Their role is as important as that of the parents.
Their life experience, patience and the ability to create a pleasing environment is something that many parents have learnt to rely on.
Role of grandparents in children upbringing can never really be over emphasized.
7
I’ve always wondered why so many of my friends extol the joy of grand parenting and this column and comments explain it. It appears everyone missed the joy of actual parenting! I have four children and was able to be an at home mother. I did it all, co-op preschools, grade school volunteering, all of the things that working mothers were unable to do. I loved every minute of it. Now I have seven grandchildren who I love very much. I will always babysit and help when asked. BUT, I am not longing to spend my days with them. I’ve already done all that and my time is my own!
52
When I had my daughter we were busy working and trying to keep our heads above water. Not every family can live on one salary. Through the years both of us lost jobs, suffered illness. We struggled together and thankfully it all turned out ok in the end.
Now we can enjoy our granddaughter—and our amazing daughter.
4
Whatever makes you happy!
Enjoy your time....
2
Please give input/ or information on those of us who love the joy of grand parenting , but live 3,000 miles away ( soon to be 9,000 when they move overseas). We do the best we can to see each other for 3-4 longer stays each year. We miss out on those holidays, birthdays, developmental years, w gen changes happen so quickly .
all my other friends either live in the same city, or at the very longest , an 7-8 hr drive away. Thank you.
18
I retired three years ago. I have four grandchildren in NJ and two in Alabama, where I now live. NJ grands are 14, 10, 19 months and 5 months. Alabama grands are 4 and 3. My solution to seeing all of them frequently is to visit NJ three times a year for 4-6 weeks each time. I also FaceTime with the NJ grands a few times between visits. It is the next best thing to having them all live within a few hours of each other. It isn’t perfect but I want them to know me, so I travel a lot.
4
We live very far away from the grandparents, and the best thing we've ever done is allow the children to go for a few weeks in the summer...without us. As we speak, they're with my inlaws (my parents live near them too and will see them), swimming all day, traveling with them, attending their church. This has been our annual tradition for years now, and all parties still enjoy it very much.
4
Two articles about the stress of an overlong, expensive summer for parents to navigate. Grandparents are the perfect answer. we call it Camp Grandma. This week, our 8-year old grandson is spending a week with us and it is pure joy. Like many other grandparents, we have no distractions like going to work; paying a mortgage, or worrying about balanced meals. Our days are filled with beach, fishing, visiting farms and playing ball. If you have grandparents available, please ask for help. It is great for all three generations.
16
I grew up without grandparents. They had all perished in the Holocaust. My husband and I raised our son without grandparents nearby to help. (Things would've been different had my mother lived, but she died when I was 18 years old.)
Instead of leaving my baby son in the care of strangers whose care of him would be a paid job, I chose to stay home with him for his first three years. They were a happy time in our lives although we had no money.
I knew nothing about babies when he was born. I had a bunch of books and a mountain of love to help me along. I breast-fed him until he became too busy to bother (at one year of age), sat on the floor with him to watch Sesame Street and build with Legos, read to him and talked endlessly - first to him, later with him.
I went to work when he was three. We had moved to Israel and our son - to a fantastic daycare center, annexed to a scientific institute. Before starting my job I took my son to see where I would work, so that he knows what Mom going to work means.
We never had another child. I could not see giving as much of myself to another child or giving up my job.
My son turned out pretty, pretty well and has always known he is loved and cherished. Grandparents were there for him to visit in the US in the summers.
8
My grandparents were older gp's, very set in their daily ways. They were early risers, beautiful hot breakfasts and lunches, rosary at 12:30, dinner at 4:30. I Ioved spending time with them, I spent a lot of time as a child with them. I got to listen to family history, I tried to figure out what they were talking about when they would switch to French, it usually meant they were talking about somebody, and they didn't want me in the business. I looked at pictures over and over again, helped with the meals, they always had visitors who would get a nice meal. We didn't do outings, unless it was going to church or an activity at the church. Our time was spent at their house, working in their garden, doing chores around the house, watching soap operas, "my stories" as my grandmother would say, the news, and Johnny Carson.
I am now a (step) grandmother to a seven year old. I am 51, I and his granddad each ride Harley's, we work out, we hang at the mall, we go to movies, we play legos and video games. I think he thinks we're cool, although it's not what were going for. I thought my gp's were cool. He loves hanging with us, just like I loved hanging with mine. It is all about the love and the experiences , and ultimately the memories just like I have while writing something like this.
5
I am about to join the club in late August and can't wait. My experiences with my grandparents were wonderful. I loved listening to stories of the old country and trying to interpret my paternal grandmother's broken or nonexistent English. My parents were devoted to our little family of four and without their help we would have struggled as a family. Grandparents make a difference and as I get ready to join the club, I do so with excitement and joy.
19
Paula Span’s column is not only timely for many of us boomers, but also food for reflection and a respite from the constant onslaught of horrid news. This one hit a tender spot. I married late and have no kids of my own, but get to be grandma to my husband’s grandkids, as well as my best friend’s. I am so grateful for the time I get to spend with children. They give me energy and inspiration to continue caring about the world I will leave behind, and their thoughts and observations constantly teach me about that world. Thank you, Paula, for your timely columns. Your topics aren’t debated by pundits on news channels, but they remind us of why we listen.
8
I have two toddlers, but I too find myself in this position of grandparent, in terms of the attitude you describe. Perhaps that’s because my own mother was always too busy to sit down and smell the flowers with me. I understand that she had to work two jobs to support the family, so I’m torn with guilt - on one hand, understanding that what she did was necessary, but on the other hand, feeling deprived of quality time with her and even offended at her priority arrangement. The strive for a spotless house, for example, was unnecessary. It made me feel like the windows were more important than me (she actually washed the windows regularly!) I don’t have memories of playing or reading with her, or even taking walks, always asking for that and being turned down because something needed doing.
That experience has been defining in how I set my own priorities. I still work full time and need to worry about the big stuff, but the time that I do have with my kids - evenings and weekends - is sacred. I’ve cut down chores to the bare minimum. I don’t wash windows. Laundry and dishes get done when we run out of everything clean. My phone stays in my pocket and only comes out to take pictures. Ever. We read books, do crafts, splash in puddles or just lie in the grass counting clouds. It’s so liberating! If that’s what grandparenting is like, I can’t wait! And for now, I’ll make sure my kids remember that I prioritized them above clean windows, and was actually present in their lives.
32
My mother was much the same. Her life was all about cooking and cleaning. Even though she loved babies— there were four of us—by the time we passed being the adorable infant stage, we became just another mouth to feed, body to clothe.
BUT, as much as I wish she had been more attentive, more affectionate and playful, I also know she was a product of her times and of the German culture that believed women were valued only for their spotless homes, punctual meals and well-mannered children. She also none of the conveniences we take for granted— washers and dryers, dishwashers, perma-pressed clothes, easy-to- serve meals.
Strangely enough, when grandchildren came along, she was completely besotted. Spills didn’t matter. Ice cream for breakfast was fine. She’d sing and play games for hours with them. At some point she must have realized what she missed.
At the wedding of my youngest daughter, my mother turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “I wish I had been a better mother”
Yes, that can be a wonderful side of grandparenting— its transformative powers
And I turned to her and whispered back, “You were a great mother.”
And really, she was.
105
That was really a beautiful comment. How smart you are .
8
I agree Olivia, and I understand. My mother was a product of her time, too. That’s why I’ve never said anything about that to her, and always praise her for giving me a great childhood. I wish grandparenthood was similarly transformative for her as it was for your mother, though. But it has in fact made her even more neurotic. She worries herself sick over every little thing related to the kids (that they’d fall off the couch, for example…) Every time we visit her, I have to beg her not to break her aging back licking the house clean. She never listens. She even irons the bedding! So, I guess some people never change. At this point, I’m more worried about her health (including mental health from all this unnecessary anxiety) than spending quality time with her grandkids…
1
SO true! Grandparenting offers all of the joys, without all the angst and constant demands. It is the dessert of the meal of having progeny.
3
I've got no kids, so no grandkids, but that ladybug sticker just made me laugh, too. I had one cuddly, indulgent grandma who, unfortunately, died when I was a young teen. The other (who lived to be 95) was, um, neither cuddly nor indulgent.
6
parents tend to be stressed out saying 'NO!' to their kids
so by logic you can almost say a double-negative makes a positive - and grandparents are more likely to say 'YES!' to their grandkids
parents busy working to put food on the table and look after their kids
grandparents relieved of any such responsibility - seeking only to add joy to their lives and that of their grandkids
little surprise then that kids often remember their grandparents as kindly and loving while not feeling so inclined about their nay-saying parents
ahem - except my father's mother - was a dragon - lost two older brothers to WWI and a young husband to cancer, left to manage 5 kids and a farm by herself - she was fierce and no joy to me - but I understand now she had suffered a lot.
8
Although I have no grandkids so far, this brings back to me the special relaxed warmth I shared with my own grandmothers.
(What I do have is a ’grand-dog’ who spends the day with me. I’d say there’s some similarity there: I enjoy her sweet silly company without the worries of vet visits and nail-clipping.)
7
Bébé Bartola is so lucky to have you close by.
3
Paula,
Exactly.
Peggy
2
Bring a grandparent is the best job in the world. My grandsons adore me....I know they do. My 16 yr old grandson still comes by just to “hangout”. They tell me things....good and bad. My 12 yr old never forgets to say “I love you!”....never. It makes my heart happy to think of them.
39
The relationship between grandchild and grandparent is the best!
9
All well and good unless grandchildren are spread far and wide and even with social media, it is very difficult if not impossible to have the close up contact with them. Growing up, one set of grandparents lived an hour away, came over almost every Sunday, spent the whole day and cooked dinner with my mother.
The long distant relationships just aren't the same as when families lived in close proximity. I try to be a involved grandmother but it is difficult and that warm connection just isn't there.
19
Lucky are the kids who not only have parents who raise them, but have grandparents who devote 8 unencumbered hours out of a week to them. I had that for a time, and it's bittersweet that I can't remember those memories (they weren't recorded)--but I'm sure they left a good influence on me.
9
My mom indulged our sweet tooths a fair amount, but she never dared to offer lollipops before breakfast until my kids came along...
5
That sounds so lovely you almost make me wish I had had children, just for the grandkids. (Almost.) But I've had similar relationships with my nearest niece and nephew. I'm sure I am far more relaxed and curious (rather than pushy) with them compared to what I would have been like with kids of my own.
6
Grandparenthood has been the unexpected joy of my life. My heart has exploded. Nothing like it. A great bonus to growing older.
101
Yes. My mom, grandmother to my three kids, seems so much happier and more relaxed than when I was a kid. And of course it's understandable; she visits us, but my husband and I are going to work, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, packing lunches - all of those chores parents do - and also thinking about the big picture for our kids (screentime, how are they progressing with their reading, etc). I love being a mom, but day after day of that can lead to occasional grumpiness. :)
29
Quite true. I am so much more present with my 2 year old grandson than I could be with my kids, when life had so many more pressures and demands. When I am with him I consider myself his assistant, helping him with whatever he wishes to do. His parents can worry about setting limits. I have no program for him except to do whatever I can to keep him safe and make him happy.
66
I think Ms. Scott-Boria put her finger on the heart of the difference, at least for me. I am more patient, more open and less nervous about my grandsons than I was with my sons. I am also much less busy, no longer working, so I have time to give them my total attention and to listen to whatever they wish to talk about.
In some ways, I am more cautious about their physical safety. I wouldn't think of letting them do some things I took for granted in the small town where I raised my boys. I stay with my grandsons at all times.
They are a joy in my life, perhaps partly because I am not consumed with the daily minutia of their lives, but with the hope that I can enhance their lives with my presence and my being.
59
What struck me as I read this is that we, as grandparents also have a responsibility to use our voices to push society to offer more family friendly policies that can ease the burdens our children face when parenting. While it is good that we "pitch in" to help with our own grandchildren (in the face of their work-pressured parents' lives), what if we took one morning a week to contact our congressional reps, state legislators, and corporate heads to urge more family-supportive policies in the workplace? Might result in changes that help our children have more relaxed time with their own children, so that they could notice the joy of discovering shadows too!
166
In this day and age I think it is important for us grand parents to lobby for a decent life for our little ones too. I want them to live in a democracy, not an oligarchy or theocracy, I want them to have clean air and water and safe food.
I want them to be able to experience wild places that have been set aside from commerce.
I want them to have a good, affordable education and to be able to live in a civil society that cares for all it's members.
If we don't do this, who will?
14
Something is wrong with me. I am a 78 year old grandfather of 8. I can't stand the bickering, selfishness, whining and moodiness of young children, grandchildren or not.
To be sure, there are times when they are cute and fun to be with, but still ...
44
Yes. There is definitely something wrong with you.
21
I think there is something wrong with people who can’t accept opinions different than their own. Not everyone loves kids! Get over it.
9
Dear Tom,
Please consider trying, in whatever way you can, to forge a bond with your grandkids and let them know they are loved. As a kid who was raised with inattentive, absent parents, as well as little-seen grandparents, I can tell you with sincerity that your attention means a great deal to your kids and grandkids, and affects how they see themselves in the world.
A lack of time and attention speaks volumes too. Being a man of 78 years, I don’t imagine you’d like to be forgotten by them in your near future, either. The selfish, bickering phases children go through eventually end, but if older generations don’t model for kids how to get through those phases, what’s the use of having kids and growing old in the first place?
11
This is a beautiful article and I look forward with joy to being a grandparent and pitching in where needed/wanted. We should remember that for most young couples, financial stressors are HUGE, due to the lack of sufficient paid family leave, skyrocketing house prices, no paid child care, public schools that undermine good parenting, etc. I would like to ask those grandparents and older persons who are sitting on a lot of wealth to actively look for ways to help a young family, financially. Don’t wait to give it away in your estate. If you take the kids for a week or 5 days each summer, the young couple may get a little vacation. If you can commit to pitching in for school or college tuition, better yet. If you set aside one half day a week when YOU take the child to swim lessons or whatever, you are amazing. Thanks.
85
Well said. We're a dual career family with a 2.5 yo and a father who is just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It's very tough juggling work, child care, marriage and now cancer, and almost impossible to enjoy parenting. Still we have it pretty good (understanding bosses, a roof over our head, health insurance, paid vacation) and I try to hold on to that thought as often as I can.
7
@LeAnn B. People with a "lot of wealth" can afford to be generous. But people who are middle class or even edging into upper middle class may get into trouble giving away too much money. Many baby boomers in particular are giving too much money to help their adult kids vs. making sure they have enough to retire on. Old age and illness consume a LOT of money, sometimes in a short amount of time -- at the end of life in particular. Few people have long term care policies or ones that will really help the way they think they will. Your generosity could end up rebounding by later forcing your children to take care of you in old age and ill health.
Dear Mel ---
You are dealing with a whole lot.
Will be holding you in my prayers.
Take good care.
5
The biggest thing for me watching grandkids is it feels like time travel, I am 25-32 again. I remember my kids as youngsters but when the chin of my infant granddaughter quivered I was transported. And it continues now that she is 3 1/2 and my grandson is 2 1/2. I agree with the comments in the article about being focused on the kid rather than all life’s pressures. One disadvantage is it is harder to get off the floor now.
65
@Peter
This article ignores a significant population of grandparents FORCED to be parents again because their children are incarcerated, absent or dead from substance abuse or--a more positive reason--deployed in the military. It would be interesting to hear their views, as I have seen several stressed and exhausted elders trying to raise young kids in our neighborhood.
3
I think part of it is that grandparents have learned that every moment and decision is not crucial so they can be more easy-going. I remember seeing my mom who was very stressed and controlling when we were children with her grandchildren; she was laughing and playing with them, and if they broke a rule she did not explode. I remember asking myself -- who is this person? Certainly she changed since our childhood. Maybe old age, but maybe having seen us grow up without turning into delinquents she realized everything doesn't have to be perfect.
19
Actually I am really tired of the current grandparent generation and their over involvement with their grandkids. It's all they talk about. It's all they care about. It preempts anything. It's like grandkids are the sole joy we can expect from life once we hit a certain age. I think it's lazy, just like many of our other cultural norms. Just, please, stop talking about your grandkids all the time. Get some hobbies.
33
Wow, cranky, cranky. Didn't you ever hear: If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing?
28
@Steve: Do you know how boring it is when a person has only ONE topic they're interested in discussing? (The answer is: VERY!)
6
@Phil
This was never our problem. We started young, with the result that we had 6 grandkids by age 50, and 6 more over the next few years.
I was still in mid-career, as was my wife, so the pleasures of grandparenting were never exclusive of everything else at all. By the time we retired, most of our grandkids were adults. There's a lot of pleasure involved with hiking, camping, skiing, and traveling with grown grandkids, as well as with the younger ones.
A few months ago, one of those grandkids became a grandmother herself! It's all good, and at 73 we hope for a few more years of it.
1
I look forward to this myself, although not for some time yet, as my own kids are just entering young adulthood. I save special books for the time when I can read them to grandchildren as I did to my children. My own parents had very little regular interest in my children; they lived in another state and rarely visited. What relationship they did have was completely built by me making the effort to drag three children through airports a few times a year to see them. When we were together, they all enjoyed each other, and I know they talked about my kids with pride to their friends. But they made no effort to have the kind of special relationship you and others have described. When they traveled, which they did often, they went to exotic locations on expensive guided tours, on their own.
Sadly, in my late mother's last year of life, when she was bedridden, she told me she wished she "had been able to spend more time" with my children. I refrained, of course, from pointing out that she had consistently made the choice, for 20 years, not to do so. I just hugged her and told her how much they and I loved her. But I won't make the same mistake.
25