Many "non-mothers" are mothering. To be a mother is about behaviour more than a relational title. We would do well to honour anyone that does mothering.
5
The English language does let us down on this one. Even without the Cinderella reference, "step-mother" the term provided for our son's wife, just sounds clunky.
Zimbabwe, the country of her birth, has another. "Mainini," pronounced "my-nee-nee." Literal translation from Shona is aunt on mother's side or mother's younger sister, like a little mother. It is used for women in mothering roles.
It has a melodic sound and when our grandsons say "Mainini" it's clear she is one of their mothers.
We need a lovely word in our country for all the women who manifest mothering for the children in their lives. Maybe it could be Mainini.
8
I am a Nonmom. Like the author, I had step-daughters whose removal from my orbit and loss of their affection upset me more profoundly than the divorce from my ex-husband ever did. They were very young at the time and I was unsure how the passage of decades would shade their recollections of me as a part-time maternal figure, but twenty years on, they both communicate with me via the magic of social media and have expressed their gratitude and love for the brief time we spent as a non-nuclear family. Nonmoms matter!
5
I have observed many times how important and valuable for their self esteem it can be for a child to have quality interactions with adults who are not their parents. It makes them feel valuable and helps them develop their independent sense of self beyond their just being someone's child. So we should absolutely celebrate those adults who give this gift to children.
4
Mother is a verb.
5
What a sad story, for the kids as much as for you.
>> Me? He’s asking for me? I was not the boys’ mother — they had one of those; I was not even their stepmother. But, I was something.
A pity you did not get, from the getgo so to speak, that you were a parent to them, without question.
Do you keep in touch with them? Can you, still, now? Feeling hopeful for someone so alert.
2
I'm a transgender woman married to another transgender woman. The sexual revolution led to a diversity of relationship types that just have no lexicon. Are we lesbians? Transbians?
We are also polyamorous. For the last two years we have had a relationship with another couple, a transgender man and a transgender woman. What are they? Normal? Hetero? Gay?
What are the four of us? A herd? A bunch of queers? A gang? A love square?
I actually dont even like this whole transgender bunk. Cisgender people hate being called cisgender, so why not just call us all Third Gender? You cisgender people don't have to be cisgender and I can be third gender and no one has to care after that. There's an easy lexicon fix I've been trying to spread since I realized how much cisgender people hate being called cisgender lol.
5
Mere days ago, I was reamed out by my fiance's ex for having the audacity to volunteer for an hour at their son's school. Nevermind that he lives under my roof 50 percent of the time, I've been a part of his life for over four years, and I'm marrying his father in five months. I too, am "something," and I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
47
It has been a source of annoyance to me when mother is referred to as mom -- like "my mom". In my time, she was always "my mother". The author of this article refers to her as "my mother". which shows some respect for her parent as well as being grammatically correct. But today it's "my mom". Mother is who she is. Mom is the name you might call her. A few might even call her Mother. So far, we have not called it "Mom's Day" but I guess that's coming. It's all part of our dress down society like young children ("kids") addressing adults by their first name. Respect has been thrown out the window.
4
I think the word you're looking for already exists: It's "parent." You may not be one by birth, but it doesn't matter; you parented them nonetheless. I'm sorry for your loss.
5
What about "second mother"?
I call myself my husband's adult daughters second mother.
I am and have been an accomplished mother-in-love for over 25 years and both an adoptive and a biological mother for 40.
The children call me mom, I call them children, and any other naming suggestion near-stupid.
2
Why do you care what the busybody man in church thinks about you? You don't have to tell him to mind his own business, but you can think that. And then walk out the church door and enjoy the beautiful day.
2
Hi, this is apparently going to blow your mind, but you are known as what is called a STEP mother. That's what we call the spouses of divorcees who have children that they help raise. STEP parents.
The more you know *rainbow*
2
Not to worry...
1. DNA will catch up with the guy and his hurtful ways...Chances are - you weren't the only one...
2. You and the kids - you're on the front page of the NYT...It isn't the WSJ - but it is something...
4
Jody Day, who founded, "Gateway Women," writes (and speaks) extensively about the experience of being childless by "circumstance," on both the personal and societal levels. She addresses how difficult Mother's Day can be for such women, the common societal assumptions and total lack of awareness and sensitivity about the experience, and the need to change the narrative.
3
Ms Carter: You're not a "Mother", but something else. Maybe a "Nother"?
13
When will we assume all men should he fathers to complete their lives?
I am so tired of the mother label being applied to ALL women. In 2018, motherhood can be a choice, yet so many women still feel compelled to explain that there is nothing wrong with them for not having-- or god forbid-- not wanting children. Articles like this still perpertuate the sterotype that women should be SOME sort of mother- you have step kids, or nieces or dogs....you are a mentor or teacher. This is ridiculous and frankly antiquated. It puts women on the defensive to explain their choices.
If women are really to choose the life they want they need to be free of labels. I have never heard a man share his story about being prayed for, due to lack of children and then going on to explain all the ways he is a father.
4
Women in the US, still expected to have children and when they don't, something's wrong w/them, their life... And, it's WOMEN and men who judge you! So, archaic!
5
Not a "mother" by choice. I have zero interest in raising children & zero interest in contributing to the human over-population which daily rapes our planet. My career is centered around families & I have never seen such a group of self-absorbed, mean, hateful & manipulative people. Being single is bliss to me.
3
Hmmm, someone at a church offended you with narrow-minded views. What a shock. If this had happened in Berkeley, then it might be surprising.
3
Bonus mother!
4
The correct term is mother. The fact we make a distinction for "biological mother" supports this. If the stranger who came up to you was thinking "biological mother," you aren't obligated to inform his misguided concern and intrusive lack of awareness.
1
My son is soon to be married to a wonderful woman who brings with her her 6 year old son. This little boy calls his new family member his Bonus Dad. What a wonderful and positive message he has chosen to convey!
1
You mothered. You were a mother. You should have stood up. Mothering contains much more purity than mere biological connection.
19
On father's day does this same man ask the men who don't stand up what's wrong with them? What's wrong with just being a person? Yesterday the press reported on a possible shortage of Epi-Pens. The reporter stated what will families do. I use an Epi-Pen and always have 2 on me. I am a person who needs this drug, not a family who needs it. The drug was prescribed to me a person. We are all individual people, not mothers/fathers/families. By making everything "family" related, you go along with a Christian dictation that only families matter. We are people and we matter, all of us.
8
Biology doesn't make a parent. My Daddy was not my father. He is, and always will be, my Daddy, or Dad, even though he died long ago. My father, on the other hand, was somebody else's Father-Daddy. To me he was just the transporter of a lucky sperm who gave me a thick head of hair, short fingers, and turquoise eyes.
I am not who came before me if they did not participate in my life. At some point, their guidance helped me to pave my own path through my life and become who I am. I am the final result of my experiences.
My oldest biological daughter use to call me Mommy-Sue. She felt she had more than one Mommy. That was ok with me because it is really difficult to raise a child alone. She chose what to call the other adult females in her life and only 4 were, including me, were Mommy-___.
An adult who loves a child should be able to send that child letters, gifts, and cards, share phone calls, and hopefully be able to see them occasionally. The only exception to that rule is abuse.
I'm sorry for your loss but perhaps you should contact your son's mother and father and see if they are open to you continuing the relationships you built with your boy-sons.
I told my children: My titles are Mother because I gave birth to you. Mom because I raise you. Mommy because I love you. There are others along the way but all except 'Mother' I have only because you love me. Thank you.
The word is "allomother", and allomothering -- the care of the young by adults other than biological mothers -- is common throughout the primate world. I highly recommend the books Mother Nature, Mothers and Others and other work by Susan Blaffer Hrdy.
1
I was the oldest of 8 children. I started helping my mother when I was 6 yrs old when I surprised her by changing my baby brother's dirty diaper...cloth diaper, real pins. I had stood by her side and watched her so many times. I had a warm washcloth ready so I could make him nice and clean. I even knew how to put my hand against his skin under the diaper so as not to accidentally stick him with the pin. And when I was done, I rinsed the diaper in the toilet with my bare hands before placing in the diaper pail. I was so excited to show her what I had done and she gave me a hug that I remember 54 years later. She told my father when he came home from work and from that day on I was Mommy's helper. I couldn't wait to someday have my own babies. At 24 I met and married a divorced father of two. We saw his daughter and son on weekends. They were very nice to me but they already had a wonderful Mom. They didn't need another. I wasn't a step-mom. By mid-30s I was still not able to conceive. How many times did friends, family, and strangers ask when I was going to start having children? I've been in that church on Mother's Day, sitting there while others stood. Ashamed, embarrassed. Only now at 60 can I look people in the eye and tell them I was not able to have children of my own. And then I tell them about my husband's daughter and granddaughter with whom I am close. It makes people feel less awkward about having asked such a personal question. I guess it makes me feel better too.
7
I would think you were/are "like a mother" to these children.
1
Thanks for sharing. Have to admit, not something I had ever thought about before.
Ms. Carter, you ARE a mother. Not a near mother. But a MOTHER. You cared for these children and you had a relationship with them. I would say the same of my children's stepmother. She is also a mother. To my children.
4
It is also OK to not be any kind of mother. As I am not. By choice. We really must stop defining women this way.
11
I’d be all over parenthood if I could be a father. This is what I tell people who ask me if I am a mother (I am not, and will not be). Women laugh and nod in response; men change the subject as quickly as possible.
It has been amazing to see the shifts for women in the professional world the past few decades, and the discussions around #metoo; will parenthood be the next frontier for change? Dare to dream.
As for what to call a nearly- or former-stepmother: I think that is a remnant of many non-mothers feeling judged (commenting non-mothers, you’ll notice, frequently mention how much they love kids/are caregivers). This is another place (says the admittedly crazy feminist) to take a lesson from the men around you: don’t listen to the chatter. It is just noise to be ignored.
3
If mothers did not give birth the human race would die out. So in theory that sacrifice is worth honoring. Then there are all the contingent scenarios as well. Also honor those. But let's not get so pc that we lose sight of the fact that the reproductive act is a selfless sacrifice. And btw, as one who has given birth my pelvic area is a prolapsed mess, just saying.
2
Many years ago, when my husband and I were dealing with infertility, we went camping and the man at the next site asked where our children were. When I explained we didn't have children, his face turned stoney, and he said, "Some people are so selfish." I was blown away by his assumption he could infer anything at all about me by my not having children, was tempted to embarrass him with the truth, and decided he wasn't worth it.
6
Wow, what a beautiful and powerful essay. Thank you!!!
1
Oh for heaven's sake, OF COURSE you were a step-mother. If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ...
Just use the word for what you DID. Paperwork certainly doesn't matter in families - all the many many kinds of families we have.
Here in Quebec, marriage is so rare nowadays, and it's one of the few jurisdictions in North America with no common-law marriage either. (And when marriage does happen, it's often w/the 10, 11 and 14 year old children of the couple (one of whom is from a previous relationship) participating in the ceremony). So we just use the words for what we DO, and they work just fine.
Of course, don't get me started on the fact that 'step-mother' and 'mother-in-law' are the same words in French .... Creates a fair amount of explaining!
1
A wonderful provocative piece. Thank you for it.
In the queer world we have many options for words, titles, labels. We have Mama and Mommy as co-parents, and Mom and Mum, and Dad and Papa, and Poppy and Daddy, etc etc. What struck me in the article and in the comments was the absence of conversation about this in families. I kept wanting to hear the story of a person sitting down with their spouse/partner's child or children and talking about this and asking "We are a family. And I'm wondering if I more to you than just a person you live with, a person in your life, a person attached to your parent? I am so very fond of you and wonder - would you like to call me something? I would like to come up with a title for you?"
Children are such special creatures that it’s easy to fall in love with them and their trusting hearts. All of my neighbor kids and my son’s friends now feel like nieces and nephews to me. I too would have been shattered in your shoes.
You were not a “near mother” you were a bonus mother or an extra mother. I’m sure the kids felt that way. And also very sad to lose you.
I’m an adoptee. All my life, there have been nosy people who have told me my birth mother must have been a bad person, and that my adoptive mom and dad were not my “real” parents. So in brief encounters with strangers I just don’t address the facts at all.
5
I was in a situation similar to yours. The question is not what you should have said to that clueless man. The question for us is why we don't feel entitled to stand up on Mother's Day. I saw my boyfriend's daughters through high school. One year on Mother's Day they gave me a card--the only one I've ever gotten. They wrote, "We don't know what we would do without you." I treasure it.
??
4
You are something and something noble. You are a volunteer. The world is full of them and cannot function without them.
Nothing required you to give one minute of your time, one iota of your love to those young children, and yet you did so.
In a society where monetary remuneration and social status count for so much, it is no surprise that a specific name for your beautiful hours with “someone else’s” children does not exist and therefore confers nonexistence upon you.
In a different culture where such willing, unpaid, caring service rises to a level where it can be seen, it would soon enough be named and revered. Maybe even Hallmark would notice.
Meanwhile, you do have what all the brave and marvelous volunteers possess. The knowledge that the time you gave to those kids could not possibly have been better spent.
Well said. Your self-worth is independent of all the potential things you have done or become. You are an individual whose value is determined by yourself, and the rest of us certainly appreciate your interest in communicating how you feel and how your social intercourse influences our lives. After all, we are all in this together, with our unique individual gifts on offer, rich in our diversity.
Conversely, I haven't experienced much social stigma by being a 55 year old man with no children. A couple of raised eyebrows, maybe a question, but no uncomfortable glances or looks of pity. Society is still skewed in it's perception of the sexes.
4
Well, we are all “something,” aren’t we?No one who had gone forth and multiplied, or adopted, or married into parenthood, is any better, more important, more valuable, more perceptive, or more compassionate than a person who is not a parent. When I hear someone preface a comment with some equivalent of, “As a mother...,” I get so furious I want to scream. The implication of that preface (and the equally annoying “as a father”) is that parents feel more fully, or know more, than non-parents do. So a TV reporter does a man-on-the-steeet interview about a school shooting, for instance, and the woman being interviewed says, “As a mom, I am so devastated...”. Oh? Everyone hurts for the victims and families, so what makes this woman assume she has a special take on it? The self-annointed sainthood of being A Mom. It’s so tiresome.
I am a child-free woman. My dogs are neither my children nor substitute children. They are animals I care for because I like the species. I am not more selfish for not having procreated (in fact, I am far less self-obsessed than any mother I know). I am not fatally flawed for not having babies, or adopting the offspring of others. I don’t need anyone’s prayers. Women are so much more than their uteri or maternal instincts. Who needs these labels?
6
I think maybe you should have stood also. You were obviously important to those boys, you were a quasi-mom. You were like a step mom, the good kind.
Mothering is more than a biological or familial thing. It is also an emotion. You should define yourself according to your own feelings, not the rigid technical definition of strangers.
1
Our culture is so ridiculous- people who offer love to kids in this world deserve our thanks. It is well known that even one sane adult can change a kid’s trajectory for the better, even in pretty bad circumstances. Even if you could not be in that kid’s life forever, the love and concern you built into a youngster at any point as a caregiver is/was important. Buy yourself some candy and flowers and enjoy your day.
4
I always thought Mother's Day was about honoring your mother - not about being a mother.
7
Exhibit A as to why single parents shouldn't revolve boyfriends/girlfriends in and out of their kids' lives.
If you have kids and experience a split or are widowed, date discreetly until the chilren are adults. Sorry if it chafes to put your love life on the back burner but that's what you signed up for.
2
May I offer you some advice, Ms. Carter? For every child you do not have, you will have anywhere from $125,000 to $200,000 more for yourself when you retire so that you will have the resources to take care of yourself and not be a burden to your children in your old age, which seems to be a very common and selfish reason people give for having children.
NOTE: The above figures represent a child with routine and ordinary medical issues and who is not in trouble with the law.
Kids are the worst ROI possible. Do not be mommy shamed by ANYONE, including parents who think kids are the greatest thing in the world, or who question your existence on earth if your mother thought that way or those who tell you that you are being selfish.
5
My boyfriend once took me out for brunch on Mother's Day because he said I was a good dog Mom. I thought that was sweet of him.
5
My husband's grandsons were about 3 and 6 years old when they decided to call me "Grandfriend". It stuck. And I love it!
33
I look forward to the time when more and more woman are willing to say to the rude, nosy Neds and Nellies, who pretend to be concerned but are actually judging them to MYOB!
2
I used to call myself a "pseudo-parental unit".
Observation: if you're a woman who doesn't look heteronormative, people don't care nearly as much if you don't procreate.
I have short hair, short nails, little makeup, androgynous clothes. I look like I might be gay.
This means that some people (men) have felt it's okay to call me "lesbian!" on the street (in Berkeley, no less!), as if that's some kind of slur, lol. However, people have never demanded to know why I didn't have kids—because they're probably glad I didn't.
A different type of non-mother experience.
2
Why must we insist on labeling humans? Liberals are on a constant quest to find an “outsider” to form yet another marginalized group, thus dividing us into more subdivisions.
3
very moving; something I had not thought clearly about before reading this.
For those of us sans enfants, an appropriate word comes to mind: Free.
23
In Danish, such parents are known as “bonus parents”. Bonus for everyone! And not w-out challenges all around, just like life.
24
Here’s a well articulated place of existence many of us are not aware of let alone the depth and contours of that experience.
There are still other OTHER KINDS of very emotional experiences people live with yet most of us are not aware of.
Take, for example, PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN. We find many heart warming stories of supportive parents but what of those parents who genuinely feel that they LOST THEIR CHILD to gay culture. They are deeply saddened by what they feel is their loss, the “worst thing that ever happened” to them. There are many stories like that.
Does The New York Times care to investigate that side of gay culture?
1
I am happily married 25 years and we have one daughter. After struggling through miscarriages and infertility, she was our special blessing. But people, when they ask how many children I have, always respond with " only one?" One person had the audacity to say that just did not make me a "real" mom. That comment cut through me like a knife.
People are cruel.
7
We could expand the concepts of Mom and Dad, and Grandma and Grandpa, etc. They are roles, not biological relationships, as most adopted people who find their "birth parents" know very well. The law still places biology ahead of actual relationship. It's past time for these roles to receive legal recognitoon and rights.
So, Paula, I think you were a Mom. It's sad that tne broken engagement entailed a broken relationship with the boys, who I'm sure remember you as an important person in their lives.
I never married and never had children. My life took another turn and I'm content with that. I was part of the adventuresome women who rebelled in the 50's and experienced life via a career, travel and self-exploration. After college, when I moved to my first apartment, I recall an aunt angrily spouting that I was going to be a "fallen woman". I sure was, and had a great time all those years with experiences so different from motherhood. I didn't think I'd never
marry or have children, it just didn't happen for me and I had my standards for that, I could never compromise and marry for any reason other than love. I am so glad that women have choices today and are not constricted the way my generation was.
7
Ever since I started my own dental office three years ago, I have seen more than 2,000 low-income children. Many of them grew up in broken homes, foster care, or with undocumented parents. Many of them have suffered physical or emotional abuse and have behavioral problems. It takes much time and effort to gain their trust so that they allow me to help them. There are tears, misunderstandings, frustration as well as laughter and appreciation in my office. Above all, there is tremendous satisfaction to me.
I don’t have children of my own. Many times I’m actually glad that after a long day at the office, I can come home and enjoy the space of my own. To my surprise, my young patients brought flowers and cards for me for Mother’s Day. Therefore I must also be some sort of mother.
18
Being a mother or father is a title you earn, not from simply being participant to conception and birth processes. As long as the children consider you a parent, you are one. Individuals meeting that standard are called to stand with birth mothers and fathers in our church for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day Masses. Still, people like myself that do not have children should not feel excluded while others stand. We did not choose or could not choose to bear the burdens those persons did. That is not to say our burdens were less. They were different. In some other way, we get to stand at another time. Just not this time.
3
I second all the posts that say essentially, "in the most important way, you *are* a mother" -- perhaps not their 'real' or main or birth mother, but for sure it sounds like you played a motherly or maternal role for the kids, and you and they both appreciated it!
I'm an adoptive dad, a very engaged uncle, and an active mentor to college kids. I'm also part of a large "family by choice", created when my parents made a lot of friends in a new country, and the families' kids all grew up together. I cried when I found out the other kids weren't my "real" cousins. Now, to our great joy, our next-generation children think of each other as "cousins" too. All these roles and relationships are valuable, whatever you or others call them. And of course, as so many people point out in these comments, they're fundamentally optional -- no-one *has* to choose any of them.
But in the end, as a recent Nobel Laureate sang, "you've got to serve somebody". I was very touched by your story of serving those kids, and by your loss when you moved on without them. Thanks for sharing.
3
A long time girl friend and I have lived on opposite coasts for many years though have been steady pen pals all the while. Several years ago my friend, a mother herself, sent me a Happy Mother's Day Card. It was so dear and I was so touched. I've never been a mother but some how in it's own way, it fit. I will never be a mother, but in my own ways have been mother like in many moments of life. Loving and caring, extending beyond...
4
The author was not the stepmother, just as she was not the wife. Of course, love is not dependent on our official titles or our legal status, but yet so much else is. When a couple splits up, even when they are married, the stepchildren are often (usually?) lost forever to the entire extended step-family. Step-grandmas are lost in an instant, cousins, aunts and uncles, the whole shebang.
It hurts.
9
We all nurture those we love and support--no biological or legal relationship is necessary. Conversely not all mothers and fathers deserve to be celebrated. What we should be celebrating are all individuals who genuinely give of themselves to others whom they love and care for. Why does our society operate so often on superficial assumptions? After all, "what is in a name?"
8
Paula: I chose not to have children. By grace, I have two adult stepchildren and two adult godchildren and feel blessed to have via them four "grand-somethings". I sometimes get four cards. I think that's cool.
I do not feel sad that I did not have children. I am not worried that I have no children for my "old age" nor do I feel any source of loss even though I have no siblings and my parents are long passed. In the baby boomer generation women were supposed to be able to say no and many did. We are not "less than" because of that choice. If I am asked, "Do you have children?" I say, "No" because that's all I need to say. No explanations necessary but sometimes, if I feel like it, I add, I didn't want them. Then I change the subject. : )
9
this touched me very much. I've been married for 20 years, no kids, prior to that was in a relationship with a man, and i have to say also his kids. I really loved them, and he told me they asked about me after the breakup. Thanks for giving some of us a voice
10
At my church the request-to-stand applied not only to literal mothers, but anyone who had been in a maternal role to somebody. (It may be significant that the wording of the request was by a female minister).
14
Sweden uses the term "bonus children" for step-children. Perhaps we could call stepmothers "bonus mother", for these relationships only add to the circle of adults caring for our children.
18
Mother's Day is a strange relic from an era when men were the breadwinners and the traditional role of women was idealized. The loss of contact with children you once cared for as intimately as any mother is an experience replicated in other circumstances. Possibly it is how divorced men feel when they are cut off from contact with their children. Grand parents may find that they are no longer in touch with much loved grandchildren. In these cases where we look back on several formative years in the lives of children, we can be confident that our loving work has gone into the mix of making these young people into better adults.
7
I should add that moving forward in this whole question of important people in children's lives should mean abandoning the "fake" Mother's Day routine and devising alternatives.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's a growing section of America. I miss my stepdad that my mom eventually divorced. It's complicated ~ but we were family. Where does that go after people part ways?
I feel you. I see you. I am now going to get your book.
11
I remember a Mother’s Day several years ago when I had finally decided to stop fertility treatments, still childless. I was determined to make something positive of the day and went shopping for flowers to plant. I love gardening and was enjoying my outing when a man brightly wished me a happy Mother’s Day, then looked shocked and concerned when I told him I wasn’t a mom. I am now a mom by adoption to 2 amazing girls but can still viscerally feel the pain of struggling to maintain my composure in the face of a stranger’s assumptions about my life. Heading into Mother’s Day weekend I hope this essay inspires thoughtfulness in people in how they might approach the childless, child free, near parents, step parents, estranged parents, and all the all flavors of being in this beautiful mess. Peace to all who are searching, and strength to those who struggle to feel validated on their paths!
23
"Mom-Like Person" That's what I came up with during my relationship with and subsequent marriage to a man with 2 kids. I was fortunate, he did not want me to interact with them much at all and his custodial ex made that simple by moving out of state. But for a few days here and there, over 12 years, I was a slightly terrified, very awkward, mostly fun Mom-Like Person.
8
"At one point in the service, the pastor asked all the mothers in the congregation to stand. My mother stood up. One woman after another rose to her feet. It was a nice tribute, an acknowledgment of all the things mothers are and do."
Many people are turned off by a set and established ritual. Actions are dictated. Much of the history of religion can be seen as a struggle against or reaction to the dictates of ritual practice.
But established ritual has its benefits. Among them is that it takes the gestures out of the hands of individual clergy. Acknowledge mothers in a sermon. Standing, pointing them out: in poor taste.
12
I adore my nieces and nephews. I don’t understand the desire for children. Period. Neither did my mother. She just wouldn’t assert herself with the old man. There’s too much of that going around. She also told me I should stop telling the guys I dated that I didn’t want kids, so one would marry me, then practice contraception without telling him. Eyes on the prize. I didn’t do it.
12
Good for you. Your mom's an idiot! As a married male (22 years), I can understand living a happy live without children, but to deprive your spouse through deception (and intentional ommission is deception) would likely end in divorce. Make no mistake about it, our lives are better because of our daughter, but it was my wife who pushed for a child not me.
Another no-name concept: there is no word in the English language for a parent who has lost a child. We have orphans, widows and widowers, but no word for what is considered the most devastating concept for any parent to have.
32
I am not a mother, step-mother or a near-mother. But I am something. As with the man at church saying he'd pray for the author, any marginalization those of us who choose not to bear or care for children is outrageous.
28
The term parent helps define the role. You are not step/mother or step/father, but you are a parent to the child.
11
You know what would have been better than these kids having a close relationship with their father's live in girlfriend? Their actual parents living with each other.
Failing that, you know what would have been better? Their father marrying another woman so they had a permanent step mother, not a revolving door of live-in paternal partners. (What number is he on now?)
The continuing erosion/destruction of marriage in the West causes great suffering for children but also, as we see from this article, for adults as well.
10
I feel sad about the assumptions and judgments in your comment. I hope your personal relationships are and continue to be as ideal as your remarks imply. For others, the damage of staying together in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of the children can be extremely damaging to all parties, including the children. Let's not assume that we know what's best for complete strangers.
22
"I was a surrogate mother for many years!" I would have answered to the stranger. You were the chosen mother, a very high compliment.
9
Those poor little boys. Suddenly deprived of a loving relationship that lasted half of their short lives, because the adults couldn’t make a commitment after five years of living as a family.
Despite distance, relationships with the children can continue via phone calls, video chats, texting and gifts on special days.
If any adult stands in the way of that, they are cruel indeed.
11
You should have stood because you were a mother to those boys. One need not give birth to a child in order to be a mother because mothers come in all forms. Whether you are mother to foster children, a mother to your siblings, a mother to your friends, a mother to the woman who gave birth to you or a mother to the animal kingdom ---- you are a mother and deserve the credit for this --- the most selfless form of motherhood.
15
She was their dad’s girlfriend, not their “mother.” Any more than I am my neighbor kids’ mother because I am pleasant to them and take care of them sometimes.
Words have meaning.
1
When I lived in Palestine I experienced their version of Mother's Day. It seemed to me that every woman who cared for folks was honored. I had been a teacher and as I pulled into the parking lot of the Girls' School where I taught, my 7th and 8th grade students would greet me at the car saying "Happy Mother's Day, Teacher!" It was actually pretty cool! (Mother's Day in Palestine is March 21 so it was a school day...)
13
yesterday I was out with my friends buying a Mother's Day gift for a 88 year old lady, who lives in our compound.She is our friend and constantly shares the meals she cooks for herself and her two children's families.Let us not be defined by definitions, customs and rules set up by male dominated clergy.
7
Sorry to disabuse you, but yes, you're a mother. You are a woman helping to raise kids. Somehow, people seem to feel that being a parent is merely about the reproductive biology. There are plenty of men out there who may have sired a child, but were never involved in raising them. Those men are sperm doners, not fathers. My wife and I adopted a wonderful, beautiful girl (now 26). Genetically, she's not related to me. But I'm the only father she ever knew. I was the man who raised her: I am her father.
15
But you are a mother. Those children loved you and you them. Even if you're not a mother in the narrower sense you interpreted the church meant, I would say you had every reason to stand and be recognized and honored.
7
It’s so funny to me that our society treats women with such disdain..especially mothers (lack of paid maternity leave, etc). But then when you don’t have or want kids you’re an even worse kind of woman. Do 35 year old single men feel as ostracized on Father’s Day? No way.
36
I was in a card shop last weekend shopping for a nice card for my mom and it struck me the paucity of cards celebrating mother's day for people who are not traditional or biological mothers but serve the same role in people's lives. It was all the more striking because I live in a very liberal part of the country with all types/ configurations of families.
There were a few cards for grandmothers, one for a lesbian couple, none for male homosexual couples, and none for men (single fathers, uncles, grandfathers, etc.) or non-biologically related role models (teachers, supervisors, etc.) who more or less have served as mothers for different people. I'm sure I miss a few examples there but you get the point. If I were a card company, I'd seriously think about making cards for these groups or even just a generic card thanking someone for being a mom surrogate.
8
Or people could exert their brains and write a note onna blank card, despite the lack of a twee Hallmark-sanctioned label.
2
My sister, who is quite a big younger and whom I raised after my father married a crazy woman, sends me a Mother's Day card each year. I never had biological children, but I cherish those cards.
Well, yes, there are plenty of cards for gay men who are parents or care for others. Happy Father's Day.
One should take very good care to avoid societies so limited in perspective that being a mother in some way or other is a must. There is a better life elsewhere.
14
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers past present and future without you, many of us would not be here.
2
Conservatives envision a society of equals in which people make responsible (or irresponsible) choices and bear the consequences of those decisions, rather than using government force to coerce complete strangers to make up for their shortcomings.
The problem is that we are not a society of equals. The playing field is tilted from the moment we are born due to genetics, racial and other social biases, etc. That’s the fundamental flaw in the conservative point of view. But I don’t think their failure to recognize that logical flaw makes every single conservative a malicious monster who only enjoys inflicting cruelty.
Two of my experiences that have no name: a person whose sibling has died. A person whose foster-sibling has been disappeared by a dishonest bureaucracy (Catholic Charities, c. 1969.) (There is also no name for a person whose child has died, nothing to parallel widow or widower.) (I remember asking a colleague if she had children: her answer was that her only child had died at age 5 of leukemia. How many times did she have to tell that story?)
16
We don't know if the definition that man in church may have used for Motherhood was similar to the way you describe and explain but it was nice of him to notice and ask you.
1
It wwasn't nice. It was stunningly rude of him to ask. Why in the world do you think it's ok for a stranger to ask you if something is wrong because you don't have children. Children and issues of reproduction are private.
I've been in churches all of my 65 years. My husband is a pastor. I am still surprised at the obnoxious behavior people try to pass off as "nice" because it's church.
In my church we offer our thanks for mothering. Meaning all the women who manifest love and care for the children of the world.
4
There is in fact a term--you are an allo-mother. Mothering is much more than biological, though the biological gives it its most visceral expression. Mothering is as big as the world--and boy, does this world need some good mothering! Thank you for what you did with those little ones!
6
This proves that relationships themselves are important -- and the terminology by which we identify those relationships is not.
Re: the man in church, people can be oblivious to their insensitivities. Someone who would never ask a woman why she has a lot of children might think nothing of asking another woman why she has none. I've been at functions where no one asks certain people why they're drinking to excess, but ask everyone who's not drinking why they're not indulging.
Let it go. If you're happy in your own skin, or your own situation, don't let strangers ruin your day.
14
@D Price: But the man in the church didn't ask her why she had no children. He only asked, "Is everything OK?"
Makes me think he noticed she looked sad, which clearly she is over the loss of these children in her life. Did he read that on her face? Maybe.
I dislike all those familial qualifiers that create distance: step-, adopted, -in-law, etc.
I believe in a common-law version of parenting. If you are taking care of the same children year after year, they're your kids.
8
Someone will always be left out when a group of like members is given tribute. Do we stop giving tributes all together because not everyone is entitled to receive them?
9
I don't think that's the author's point at all. Rather, that she has done quite a bit of 'mothering', despite not being biologically a mother or legally a step-mother. And the other that the man who spoke to her in the church assumed there was something 'wrong' that she didn't have kids.
I think she actually WAS entitled to that tribute, though.
7
@Karen White: The man said three words: "Is everything OK?"
Those are words we often use when someone looks sad or upset. This man sounds like he was sensitive and reading the look on her face during that moment.
Now, he might've assumed that pain came from a different place. Infertility. Miscarriage. Still birth. Loss of a child. Loss of one's mother. Loss of a child to adoption. Loss of a biological parent due to adoption.
There are a lot of reasons women could be sad on Mother Day's. Expressing concern for someone who seems sad, giving them a space to talk if they feel like, and offering to keep them in your prayers if you're both part of the same faith community hardly seem like that's assuming something is wrong with her because she doesn't have kids.
1
An individual's worth is determined by their own action, not what others think.
5
Thank you for naming something that I have struggled to name for a decade. My experience is largely invisible at this point, because the kids whose lives I was a part of for years that I think were important to all of us are not present in my life now. And so the real answer for me when someone asks "Do you have kids?" is "It's complicated." But because my story is not one that is "inside the lines," and because the kids are not in my life now, mostly I just say "no."
To all the women who share this experience: yes. We *are* something.
49
I'll never understand how people can come up to perfect strangers and ask them deeply personal questions like why don't you have children, why don't you have a husband and etc. it's no one's business to ask about these things. I finally realized (I'm unmarried and have no children) that just because someone asks something doesn't mean you need to answer. I have had people tell me oh that's a pat answer. My response well that's my story and I'm sticking to it even if you don't like it.
21
You were a mother to those children. What you described is what a mother would do. It's a shame there isn't a word for it.
13
My children have both a stepmother and a stepfather, and I am deeply grateful for both. Having one stay-at-home parent plus three full-time salaries is about what it takes to raise children anymore. And double the love and attention has to be a good thing.
12
Thank you. After several false alarms, much longing, some praying, and a long-ago relationship with a man who was the father of a little girl (it did not work out, he went back to the girl's mother), I am Something.
Occasionally, at times like this, I will find myself telling someone no, I was not blessed with children.
They can deal with it, or not.
My current boyfriend is the first man who ever expressed any understanding or sympathy. At our age, there is nothing we can do about the situation. But it was a comfort.
18
My ex-fiance' came into my life when my boys were 8- and ten-years-old and that first year she was anxious as to what her role should be but now, ten years after our parting, she still plays a loving role in their lives. Back-in-the-day she was quick to point out blind spots in my parenting and though I typically resisted her insights, she was almost always spot-on. It's one of my great pleasures to still discuss "our boys" with her.Thank you, Paula.
96
This was a moving piece that really resonated with me. When I was in my twenties and studying in New York, I babysat a lovely toddler named Jacob fairly regularly. He would sometimes call me mommy in an outburst of affection. After a couple of years I was taking care of him less often when one day, as I was walking home from the subway, Jabob's twelve year old brother approached me and wrangled me into visiting Jacob at the day care. Though I didn't think it was somehow "necessary," that visit was important, as well as being the only time in my life I was completely taken over by unconscious emotions. Jacob was sitting on top of the cubicles, his male babysitter watching him carefully, when I found myself bursting into tears, taking him down from the top and holding him, crying: "Jacob, Jacob!", as though he were my long lost child. He looked startled, but not, thankfully, scared. His mother and I spoke on the phone that night and I resumed caring for him for a while. I picked him up the next day and we stopped several times on the way home so that he could say "I love you, Jenny." If you care for a child - no matter what the situation - and there is a mutual love, it is a powerful, meaningful bond - whether anyone else - especially a man - understands it or not.
25
I'm going to get pilloried for saying this, but single parents should not live together with their significant others outside of marriage. Children experiencing the impermanence and loss of beloved parental figure in this way is an avoidable trauma. Why risk it? Particularly when the child has already suffered the loss of his/her nuclear family? I get that second marriages fail, too, etc., etc., but, if you're not committing to your significant other until death do you part, why in the world would you let your children get attached to them and love them and think of them as a parent? My answers is that the parents are selfish and thinking only of themselves, not contemplating the pain and loss their children will feel when dad decides to get a new girlfriend.
I think the author's piece is beautiful, though, and she sounds like a lovely person. I am sorry for her pain.
23
They were together for five years, that's longer than a lot of marriages. I would agree that you don't introduce kids to everybody date, but at some point the value of seeing a relationship in action outweighs the possibility that it may end some day.
12
Until.death do you part is not a part of modern marriage. Many marriages are over before the child is out of diapers, many living togethet situations can last for 10 or more years and lead to marriage or at least provide stability.
1
Everybody’s life has static.
1
You were an alloparent. "Alloparenting (also referred to as alloparental care) is a term used to classify any form of parental care provided by an individual towards a non-descendent young."
12
Some women brave the stigma, some fight with their own emotions and some do both secretly and quietly. I am the 3rd kind.
I chose love over motherhood and I made a conscious decision knowing it will be difficult journey; a pain that may never go away.
My husband is everything I wanted in a partner but I gave up a lot for this marriage.
I doubt the secret stabbing pain, this vacuum will ever go away. But let this be my fight.
I ask folks to not remind me..the awkward silence after questions of why no kids, the awkwardness of unending questions from my parents of when are the kids coming..
and sadly ignorance towards my existence from my husband's children from his previous marriage.
and all the love I gave to my siblings, my husband's kids is unappreciated.
so I focus on aspiring young talent at work, school who is around me. Any help I can give them and a return of a smile, a note of thanks is what makes me count my blessings.
18
This is truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, I hope sometime soon we have names for these essential roles.
4
I am 58. I have no children. I was infertile.
I have lost track of how many times in my life a woman I had just met had asked me about my children, and then after I told her that I had no children she felt that was a problem that she needed to solve for me. Very personal, private and inappropriate questions were asked of me, judgment passed on me, and I was told enthusiastically that I wasn't too late for IVF.
Three years ago on Mother's Day, I was standing in line for the cashier at the supermarket. The man in line in front of me turned to me, smiled and warmly said, "Happy Mother's Day!" I was stunned. I wasn't aware that people randomly wished women they didn't know "Happy Mother's Day." The man presumed that by middle age I must surely have children. I just blinked at him. He repeated his statement, as if I hadn't heard him. I gently said, "Oh. Um... I don't have any children." His smiled drooped to uncomfortable pity, and he turned around.
I am currently recovering from uterine cancer. I had a hysterectomy last summer. I suppose now that I am in menopause and without my reproductive organs, Mother's Day will be an annual reminder of What Didn't Happen.
All women are Something. Try to be kind, folks.
228
So, is it cruel to wish others whom you don't know "Happy Mother's Day "? It might cause pain, so don't do it?
2
Yes, that's the message.
2
If you don't know a woman well enough to know if she has children, then there is no need to wish her Happy Mother's Day.
3
Remember all the kids in foster care and child protective services with mothers not up to the job while others step up. This kind of thinking makes those who lose the mother lottery, feel even worse. This world needs more caring people of all shades and stripes.
17
When my mother was still alive, we went to the Mother's Day service at the Unitarian church where I had grown up. It's in a well-off area of highly-educated congregants and the minister consequently is often one of the best a congregation can find. In his intelligent decency, he marked the day by noting that among the congregants were mothers, aunts, grandmothers and many other relatives and friends who had filled maternal roles for young people. Never had I felt so grateful for the intelligence and kindness of such a remark. Sometimes an aunt (or uncle) chooses not to have children, finding the nieces and nephews so fulfilling, there is no need for one's own, and those children know that they have, in essence, a second mother. That maternal role can be filled by all kinds of people, and they are not only "something" but they are due respect for the caring they provide, with none of the "glory." (Maybe the author should change churches?!)
104
Some of us have biological kids. Some acquire kids, formally and informally, when they show up in our lives. I have been fortunate enough to have both. But "mothering", or perhaps just "parenting", is something we do.
13
In my childhood in the Hasidic community, we all referred to adult women as 'mammes'. It never occurred to me that we had no term to describe a woman who was not a 'mamme', such women did not exist in my mind. My mother had fifteen children, and I didn't go her way - I left the Hasidic community with my son. And while I'm a mother of one, I often visit my family and come away feeling invisible and inadequate for 'just' having one, for being a 'mamme' without a baby (my son is a tween).
I often think about what naming and not naming something does. As the author so beautifully describes, if we don't name something, it doesn't exist. I've given my heart to so many children, yet I so often feel like I am not enough, because I don't have more children of my own. If only we could all feel more seen for how we help raise a village. After all, I know, as a single mother, that I could have never done it if not for the parental figures in my child's life. It takes a village, and we need some sort of village appreciation day.
24
Bless you for this.
I have never been a mother either, but I was caregiver to my own mother as she lost her health and her faculties, and conversely in childhood was adored by multiple maiden great aunts who enriched my life in so many diverse ways, and I like to think I did the same for them. They were wonderful, lively, funny ladies. Auntie Clare, Auntie Gert, Aunt Charlotte and Cousin Alice.
Yet here in supposedly modern times, I have found being childless as the most stigmatizing and isolating experience of my life as a woman.
I don’t know if this is uniquely American due to the way in which our society over-commercializes every human experience, but I can certainly say I feel devalued compared to women who are mothers.
It saddens me.
78
When I was of childbearing age, remember occasions being encouraged by several family members to have children after I had been very clear that my husband and I had chosen to not have children. It was very awkward and I did feel judged. There seemed to be subtle implications along the way that we weren't really measuring up to the full responsibilities of life, some how lesser than, to never fully mature, somehow. It was stunning. Our choice was a very conscious decision, not out of aversion or avoidance or any thing like that - it was just clear that what was important to us in our respective work and life together, parenting wasn't going to part of our life. Once we were clear in our decision, I never looked back. When I told my Mom, she seemed a bit stunned, but soon enough she accepted it and took it to heart. Have always felt my parents loved our visits, the four of us together. Now, my Mom, she is in my heart always and I celebrate her remembrance each Mother's Day with a deep sense of appreciation, humble gratitude for being my Mother and giving in ways I could never repay.
7
I don't know if I feel devalued so much as...I notice very distinct social lines being drawn between those who are married/coupled...those who are not..and those who have children and those who do not. Many people seem to have it in their heads that couples should only hang with couples... families with families...that they have more in common simply for these reasons. But I disagree greatly. Why should I necessarily want to hang with my boyfriend's friends, and their wives/girlfriends, or think I will automatically like them? I actually prefer mixed groups...singles, couples, with children, without children. I find it makes the dynamic more interesting. Otherwise, everyone is playing their formulaic roles... all the couples acting all lovey-dovey...or the women socializing with each other and the men all talking sports.... I find it all so cliche. My sense is also that many American women have this sorry notion that all other women are their potential enemies/man-thieves, and so any single women in their midst are suspect. I find such mentalities and behaviors very sad and limiting.
6
You hit it- selling merch in America is the idea now. Another tiresome retail extravaganza.
You mothered your mom as her caregiver- that type of mothering counts and so do you for offering it.
4
Years ago, after a short run of personal crises, I sought out a therapist who recommended a group she ran. One of the things that I most remember was describing how humans try to find what they need , and they seek it in families. But, she distinguished between "families of chance," those that we are born into, and "families of choice," those we create seeking the psychological succor that we don't find in our families of chance.
We are all seekers and sometimes we find.
34
I have long thought that bio family is a genetic blind date.
Ilene, love your description. It's a blind date for your parents and siblings too. Every family, even the elusive happy family, is disfunctional in its own special way.
When I reflect on the situation what comes to my mind is the word 'bonus'. I think of those kids as the bonus daughters and bonus sons. And the adults as bonus mothers and bonus fathers. Really celebrates the positive.
24
This article reminded me of the lovely nurse my father dated for awhile after my parents divorced. Once they split up I never saw her again but think about her sometimes. I wonder how the child who asked for you when he was upset feels about your absence in his life? The downside of our modern families.
27
I found this very moving, in all kinds of unexpected ways. Thank you for sharing.
After reading through the comments, some as good as the piece, I found myself wondering if we didn't need something like an "Appreciation Day" - to honor any and all of those who have made a profound impact in each of our lives.
No biological link or limits required, only the desire to reciprocate for the gift of love or kindness given. And if someone wanted to know your relationship a person (and you had to give it a name), you could just say "She's one of my Appreciated."
Imagine what it would be like if we had a national holiday to honor *that*
29
Until the ripe old age of 43, I never stood up - nor did I hold one grain of envy, hostility, numbness or anything else besides joy for the women who did.
I felt the same as if the same as if the preacher had requested all veterans stand up.
In fact, my heart swelled for these women. It was their day of honor.
Within a matter of months, however, through the miracle of adoption, I joined the ranks - and am now a single mom of 3.
I am the mom, 24/7, to these kids. And I will be the mom, anguishing, financing, cleaning up and celebrating for decades to come, God willing!
Please do not dishonor me by suggesting that I share my day a pet owner.
5
Please read again (if you read it through the first time, which appears unlikely) without judgment. Please don't blame other people for having lives and histories that are different from yours. Other people and other people's stories have just as much a right to exist as you do.
Good luck! No doubt you are admirable, but your willingness to leap in and condemn the author with self-righteous indignation speaks volumes.
55
You are right - it takes a very strong and righteous woman to do what I did and continue to do.
One of the greatest books on childcare begins with (paraphrased) “I knew all about parenting until I became one”
2
CB. I'm glad you feel strong and righteous. All my best wishes.
2
Technically, I am not a mother either, but I formally mentored 20 teens while they were in high school in the ‘90’s and continue to offer support and encouragement to many young people today.
I have been told by several of these young people my support of them during this critical time in their lives had tremendous impact. They are part of my “virtual family” and a welcome part of my own family, which includes a husband but no biological children. In fact, many of them reach out to wish me happy Mother’s Day, and I gratefully accept.
73
I am not a mother, but as a lifelong teacher, I have encouraged and inspired the children of many others. This is good enough for me, as for my husband.
I do not have to have genetic offspring in the world, even though I’m sure they would have done well; there are more than enough children on our planet already.
58
“I was going to be a step-mother.” Or the male equivalent of the very statement. Use the past continuous tense.
I understand the heavy emotional aspect of it; I am a step-father to four kids, but I reasonably cannot support the slippery slope of demanding a name to legitimize what is more of a role than an ID (if you’re implying that one cannot have an ID without that certain role). If I were no longer in that formal role (or if I hadn’t taken the step to marry into a family), I would not expect a new word (unless it’s purely an idiom) to be demanded be used to validate my sense of identity.
6
Thank you for surfacing this topic. I too had a caregiving relationship with three children in a decade-long relationship. This story and sentiment very much resonate with me.
Will it give us conversational convenience if we broaden and adopt the term ‘sparent?’ Or ’part-parent’ and ’part-children?’
That said, the root challenge seems to lie in the general human habit of prejudice and narrow scope of vision based on familiarity. What to call things can only play a partial, catalytic role in shifting views away from ignorant assumptions.
With more and more conversations like this on the issue, l am hopeful that we can gradually raise awareness and bring change.
13
Beginning in the 1990's terminology began to take hold in Germany for these types modern constellations: Patchwork-Familie (patchwork family). They are becoming more common in everyday parlance. One of my colleagues speaks of picking up her patchwork child from school, calls herself a patchwork mom. It's a good start.
21
So, am I the only one to have consulted the dictionary? As a noun, "a woman in relation to her child or children:" and as a verb, "bring up (a child) with care and affection:" Oxford English Dictionary.
The woman whose ovary provided the first cell for my being, never really liked me, until I was an adult. With much gratitude, there was a woman my parents had hired to clean our home, who nourished me with food and with admiration and affection. I think of her as my mother.
I've not had children grow inside my body, but I have been employed at teaching (and loving) mothers how to parent their children; I participated in the parenting of 6 nieces and nephews; and I informally adopted a 21 year old woman who had lost her biological mother when she was 11. Many of these 'children' come to me with their problems and their joys, their questions and their musings.
I consider myself "a mother," and whether you consider me as such is not that important to me.
59
I don't have children, but my siblings have some serious issues and so I've had to be their maternal figure for some time now. I have the emotions and issues of a mother now. They will carve their own pathways through your neurons if you act in that role.
Maybe we should call it Mothering Day and honor the caregiving rather than the reproducing aspect more. Because the world could use more maternal care overall.
132
That's a beautiful idea...
6
"Mothering Day"! I love this! Not all women who are mothers, mother. Lots of women who do not give birth to children, mother effusively.
4
Really, this is still something that has to be explained or defended?
I'm a non-mother. There. Done. No need for further discussion!
37
Amen! When I became infertile at 16 after cancer, my gleeful (but unspoken) thought was I can have sex the rest of my life without incurring the burden of children. 25 years later I feel exactly same and have given up enabling the “you can always adopt” crowd.
No man is worth having to raise another woman’s child.
6
The right identification is family. The mobility and proliferation of various ties should make this a natural suggestion. In this case the call to stand should have been made to mothers and family.
3
have you tried telling that to a Judge?
There is so much I love about this post. The love that this writer had for the children of her partner is real and palpable and deserves a name. And the grief she felt at their loss when the relationship ended deserves to be acknowledged.
But I cringed when she wrote about the older man at the church who approached her to ask her if everything was OK after she failed to stand with the other mothers. The author writes: "He’d assumed something was wrong because I didn’t have children."
Why does she assume that? Why not assume that he's actually a sensitive person who sensed her discomfort in that moment? It seems like it is at least as likely that he sensed the author's inner turmoil over the lack of a name for the relationship she had had with her partner's kids -- and also the grief of losing that relationship with the children.
I'm not saying she needed to talk with him if she wasn't feeling ready. But to assume such a bad intent seems misplaced.
40
I loved this post too. From personal experience, I would like to reply that stigma exists about being a straight, childless woman. I'm not sure that this is always apparent to people who are parents. I agree that assuming ill intent isn't always the best approach, but in community settings where people gather (like church), someone who isn't "the norm" is more likely to feel stigmatized. There are so many tribes that you don't and can't belong to when you're not a mother.
81
I was a straight, married, childless woman for about 15 years until I became a mother in mid-life.
I agree that there were some that judged me for it, but I found it rare. Maybe it's because I lived in Seattle most of those years, where being a mother and/or wanting children was its own kind of stigma.
I haven't had much experience with church except for the past couple of years. And I have to say that I've been impressed by how often people will come to talk to you after if they detect sadness/pain/grief.
As someone who was not part of a spiritual community since childhood, I was rather surprised by just how much compassion people can have for people who are otherwise strangers to them. Just sharing a spiritual path was enough to make me "of the tribe."
Maybe that's why I felt like it was possible that that older man was just putting his beliefs into action by checking in on someone who seemed visibly sad during the "mother" event at the church.
The real issue was the pastor who asked the mothers to stand up.
10
His intent may not have been bad--but it was a rude (in my opinion) and strange for him to say something like this.
Why in the world would you say he's a "sensitive" person? Sensitive people do not stick their noses in other people's business or "assume" they are distressed when the other person has not said a word to that effect.
It's no one's business why a woman is not a mother! I doubt a man would be asked if he were a father--in any venue, much less a church.
No one would care to know "why" someone is not a father but they sure have to stick their noses into a woman's private life.
11
In Hawaii perhaps because of the large Asian population we use the word "aunty" and "uncle" for adult women and men who are not biologically related but part of a child's life. It is convenient and captures everything - someone important that is in a child's life. I am in a relationship with a man who has five grandchildren - I am always called "Aunty" or "Aunty + my name." At our first meeting his adult children introduced the grandkids to "Granpa and Aunty". So we have English words we just are restricting our imagination to the dictionary meanings. In Japanese we have the terms for an older man or woman who may or may not be related to a child - Ojisan and Obasan. Children are taught to address an uncle or aunty as Ojisan or Obasan but the terms can be used for a complete stranger or an older couple in the neighborhood. Feel "it takes a village" concept is alive an well in Hawaii - this Aunty has a great role to play with the grandkids.
110
I'm not from an Asian culture ... German-Dutch mostly. But we had the same sort of arrangement. They were referred to as "courtesy" aunts and uncles and addressed as Aunt and Uncle.
21
I am Chinese-American and we have this tradition but I was also surprised to see it in other cultures. One of my friends is Mexican and another one is East Indian: I am designated the "Aunty" to their kids.
7
Not only in Hawaii. When I grew up in the South Bronx in the 1940s, a friend of the family too close for the formality, "Mr. ___," was referred to as "Uncle Joe." (In those days it was unthinkable for a child to refer to an adult by their first name.)
"Aunty Paula" seems right for relationship Ms. Carter describes, until some new more specific terminology comes to be known.
5
Being an ex son in law, (apart from being an ex husband), affected me more then I imagined it would. Then I learned that my ex in laws were also dealing with feelings of loss. And I have remained on good terms with my ex and have occasional contact with my ex in laws. How is it for those who don't and have to go cold turkey?
19
I once worked with a woman who remained close to her ex-husband's family after their divorce. I remember her telling us, "I'm having dinner tonight with my Mother Out-Law." I thought that was great!
2
Just last week someone down the hall at work asked how many children I had. When I answered “None”, her response was “I can’t imagine the point of life without having children.” I wanted to say “Well, then your vision is pretty limited.” This has happened several times. I’m a 62yr old woman and actually wanted kids. I’m pretty sure I would have been a great Mom. It just never happened. And I’m absolutely OK about it. People speak without thinking sometimes. I could have had a string of miscarriages, still births, medical issues, circumstances that were none of their business. Perhaps because I didnt have kids I’ve gotten to travel, have tutored lots of kids and adults, parented dogs. I have a great life and that’s the point of it all!
310
I never wanted kids and am more glad with every passng day that i did not have them.
As the planet gets more worn and used up, as humans compete ever more violently for clean air, water, toilets, food, fossil fuels, as techology evolves to make human labor ever more obsolete -- the notion that everyone should breed and replicate is absurd, destructive and mindless. We need to curb and dwindle the human population to allow other species to survive and thrive, and to make a better life for those who do come after us.
How it is 2018 and automatic human breeding is still considered a virtue instead of a vice is troubling, bewildering and a sure path to doom for our species.
When the urge to reproduce strikes, have a thought for something other than your immediate ego-boost and self-gratification, and refrain. The childfree are the truly unselfish among us.
40
We the childfree need to testify more often - thank you!
36
Bravo! People give me the sad face when I say I don’t have kids. When I say it’s by choice, they give me the incredulous face. I tell them it’s the latest trend!
37
As the one who drives the neighborhood kids home from school, who cooks the weeknight suppers, puts bandaids on skinned knees, helps with homework, gets ready for snack-time, birthdays or bake sales, does the medical and dental appointments, shops for groceries or does CSA pick-ups, and so many other quotidian tasks that keep our family going, I am proud to that my spot on our Mom's Family Calendar is the first column, the pre-printed "Mom" spot, but with Mr. penciled in front of the word mom, of course.
Now that we have marriage equality, gay and lesbian parents finally have access to the acknowledgment and recognition that Ms. Carter references, here in NY state. Both parents's names go on birth certificates, there is second parent adoption, and so on.
Sadly, that is not the case in many other locations throughout the country ,where parents continue to battle recalcitrant state governments for full parental rights. --Mr. Mom
63
I think it is nice when strangers care whether others in their community whom they don't know might be unhappy. This sounds simply like a caring old man who should be excused for the reach of his caring, for his innocent love of the stranger, a principle that is part of many faiths.
Maybe he approached because the author here did not stand, or maybe he thought he saw a look of sadness.
Either way I think he meant well and that that should matter greatly.
90
As someone who doesn't have children, I disagree. Many people jump to conclusions about women who've not had kids. I've experienced this, and it's tiresome.
64
But we don't know what "conclusions" the older man in this particular story was jumping to. He likely read "grief" on her face coupled with the fact that she did not stand up when the pastor asked "mothers" to stand up.
Clearly you’ve never been on the receiving end of this question. I have. It’s humiliating and uncomfortable and you feel like you have to explain yourself. Please don’t ask us to forgive this man because he meant no harm. A lot of people mean no harm when doing bad things.
45
I find interesting the man in church is interpreted as having certain views on marriage and motherhood, and his approach to you as somewhat unwelcome. If you felt compelled enough to later write a book about losing your relationships with the children after 5 years, perhaps you were subconsciously wearing it in your expressions when the mothers stood up? And the man’s question was one of unconditional concern?
I write this because you go on to suggest society should create yet another designation for people who have a certain experience, as if their wounds are others’ responsibility to acknowledge and heal.
I was fortunate to have a kind woman accept me and show love to me when my mother vanished at a young age. She was not in a relationship with my father, yet her care and love was real and I felt included in this with her own three children. Later on, I had two children out of wedlock. Parents and siblings stepped in willfully to offer love and care. These types of situations have been going on for centuries.
I personally have always been very grateful for what I had as a child and as an adult. I’ve expressed it openly and in private. I suspect it was also a blessing for those who cared for others who were not their own birth children. The children you cared for will not forget you.
Maybe we can focus on having had our opportunities to care and love, and to receive it. To be grateful, not bittersweet, in remembering those chapters of our life is part of the gift.
26
My sisters are technically my half-sisters, but I never refer to them that way because I know calling them my sisters gives added heft to our relationship and I never want anyone to think there's anything less than a firm bond between us.
24
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's my greatest hope that my stepdaughter and son have this same feeling their whole lives. They are brother and sister. Thank you, again.
1
I found your op-ed piece very interesting. I am not a Mother, or a near-Mother. I am a 45 year old woman who never wanted to have children and then had 5 operations to correct and control a 'female' problem. I had my 6th and final operation last year (a Hysterectomy).
I have never ever wanted to have children and I feel quite irritated by the inference from others that I need 'praying for' because of my choice / my lack of children. I also get deeply frustrated when people assume that I don't like children. I love children - that belong to others. I am the best Aunt and Godmother I can be. As one of the other commenters said, there are many great ways that people can contribute to this world..one is being a great mother. It is important for everyone to remember judging / assuming stuff is bad for us all.
201
But wasn't the author herself here judging and assuming? She assumes bad intent on the part of the older gentleman who expressed concern. It seems possible that he could read the sadness and grief on her face and wanted to reach out to her in a very human way.
If people don't want to be judged for their choices, they need to stop assuming the worst of others.
21
She wasn’t feeling sadness and grief. Read it again.
@Janet: When I read this piece, what's so moving is the palpable sadness she feels at being separated from these kids as a result of the end of her relationship with their father.
In fact, she feels this deeply enough that she has written a memoir about the topic and published this essay here.
If this essay isn't, at some level, about grief, I don't know what is. And it is possible that the tribute to mothers triggered *something* in her that was visible on her face, even if she wasn't aware of it.
I'm not saying that was what the old man was thinking -- we can't really know. Just pointing out that it's plausible.
2
Two comments.
First, there are a lot of great ways people contribute to this world. One is being a great mother.
Second, this commentary seems to suggest a hierarchy. Mother, almost mother, etc. That is ridiculous for the first comment above.
12
It's the one day a year we validate mothers. Must we now share that with everyone who makes other life choices?
28
I am a mother but don’t think it’s something to be celebrated. I love my child and am doing everything I can to make her a happy, responsible, independent individual. It’s just what I do. It’s my responsibility and more importantly, it’s something I love and want to do.
However, I am incredibly appreciative of all the people in my child’s life who also love, guide, care and/or teach her. That includes teachers, after-school counselors, the school health clerk, sports coaches, my siblings, etc. It’s important to show appreciation, and I have no problem recognizing them on any day of the year.
19
Why do we need to "validate" anyone for anything?
There is just as much selfishness in becoming a mother as there is selflessness. The planet does NOT need the current rate of population growth; producing offspring is NOT a social good or virtue. Dont pat yourselves on the back too hard.
12
One day a year, truly?
Try choosing a non-mom path & see how much validation you get ;).
14
Can we just leave real mothers out of this? Why does everyone want to have their own participation sticker or dilute other's roles?
17
okay, what is a "real" mother?
1
I too am not a mother . . . in the traditional sense of the word. However, I AM a mother to all of the four-legged cats and dogs who have graced my life over the years and continue to do so.
I used to think I was alone in that thinking, but over the years, I've come to realize that not only am I NOT alone in this thinking but there are many others who share my feelings and similar situations.
I never wanted children - that responsibility is too hard, too demanding, too exhausting, too scary for me. Also, I'm selfish. I want to spend my life with either with my husband, my self, or my cats and/or dogs. I don't have the patience for kids. I'd worry about them every day of their lives. I'd be a terrible mother.
I'm thankful that I know myself well enough to realize what my limitations and shortcomings are and equally thankful for having the ability and capacity to being a loving and wonderful four-legged pet Mom. I'm sure a lot of folks won't or don't understand this, but I'm okay with that. My husband loves me and my animals love me and that's all I need come "Mother's Day" or any day of the week.
98
There is nothing "selfish" about choosing not to be a parent/mother. No one loses because one chooses not to be a parent. I never wanted to devote the bulk of my adult life, resources or relationship to raising children. And no, I don't much like children and didn't like being one, although treat them respectfully if I must be around them.
I am childfree by choice and know many people, men and women who are childfree by choice. I know many parents whose reasons for becoming parents are utterly selfish, "I want... I need..." and although many are good parents, they are hardly "selfless" in becoming so.
15
@Ilene Bilenky
Thank you for a refreshing perspective and I apologize if my choice of word, i.e., "selfish" sounded harsh. I agree with your thoughts. My frame of mind was more of not feeling compelled to follow the expectations of women = bearing children. I just knew, deep down, since I was little, that I never wanted to have kids. You are correct - it is neither bad nor negative to be "kidfree". I was just nervous that I was going to be vilified for feeling the way I do, especially after using the word "selfish". Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful post.
You don't have to be a mother and do not have to make or give ANY excuse for your choice. This is a hot crowded planet with 7.5 BILLION people and western industrialized nations have all abandoned the goal of Zero Population Growth. Every non-parent who chooses not to have kids is doing the whole planet a huge favor.
But please: I love my pets dearly and would run into a burning building to save them....but they are not children. You do them no favor to think of them as children. They are animals.
Own your destiny. Not everyone can or should be a parent. If you are a good person and lead a good life, that's plenty good enough and requires no justifications.
4
I always go with the phrase of 'stepdad' or 'stepparent', regardless of marital status. So long as someone is in a close romantic relationship with someone who has children, to me, that person is a 'stepparent'. Intuitively, all parties involved recognize when this shift in relationship has occurred. Marital status should not matter, and esp in this day and age, be irrelevant.
Also, as all grownups understand only too well, many romantic relationships do not last forever. But must that mean that all the relationships that developed as a part of that....with children...other friends...other family...that all those relationships must be severed as well? Sadly, it's the rare couple nowadays, who can break up, and yet, still maintain civility, and allow for and recognize the need/desire to continue to maintain all those other relationships that resulted. Just because a couple decides they are no longer right for each other as romantic partners, need not mean they must now be at each other's throats, or cannot remain friends with each other and/or extended friends and family. It requires maturity, forgiveness, selflessness, and the realization that life is too short for needless negativity and bitterness.
4
I am not a mother by choice. However, in 30 years of teaching, I have "mothered" some students in important ways, by serving as a mentor, supporter, and guide.
My family had a longtime friend who was like an aunt to us. She was closer and more important to me as a child than many of my "blood" relatives. I considered her one of my mothers, and sent her a card every mother's day.
My older sister has no children, but she has held our family together after my mother's abrupt death from cancer and taken care of my alcoholic sister, who eventually committed suicide through alcohol. She continues to be the rock and support of our family. She is also an "auntie" to the two children who share her duplex in San Francisco. She will receive a mother's day card this year.
I also send mother's day cards to my undergraduate advisor; to a much older female friend who has guided me in ways that my peers cannot; to my psychologist of 7 years.
There are many ways to mother, and all of them should be honored on this day.
171
The best respnse so far to this story. My experience taught me that there are many different ways to mother.
My chief mother figures were my aunt and grandmother.
My aunt could not have biological children. She mothered me and my three sisters all our lives. She and her husband raised the two sons of her brother.
She was always there for us. My teaching profession offered lots of opportunities to mother other people’s children. Because I had biological children of my own, I couldn’t “mother” my needy students in the strong ways a teacher without her own children could if she wanted to.
When my biological mother died, I did not have the deep grief that my aunt’s death caused - a feeling of missing that gets stronger with the years.
But, what if a woman has no need to “mother” although she is always good to children? Nothing wrong with that. She may be using her own special talents in excellent ways.
I’d say the same for men who “father” by helping other people’s children.
Culturally though, people don’t often denigrate men in the same ways.
23
Among my circle of closer-than-family friends, we call ourselves "mothers-in-love," "sisters-in-love," "daughters-in-love," etc, to denote that we occupy the same relative proximity as the in-laws, but by virtue of love, not law.
81
How lovely!
24
What a beautiful idea, JRab.
2
After my kids mother broke up wth the man she had years earlier introduced to our young son's as their new dad, she told the new dad he would never see the kids again. before their breakup, they had all lived together for a few years in his house and my kids fell in love with him. When they broke up, I recognized the importance of that bond and did everything I could during my custody time to ensure it continued. And it flourished. I and my extended family grew to love this man and accepted him as part of our family. Then after five years, my kids mother out of the blue asked a judge April 19th 2018 to prevent the kids from seeing him, and the judge made it an order. The judges basis? That mom has joint legal custody and requested it. The judge allowed for no further comment. and the new Dad? is he a threat? hardly. He's quadriplegic. Whats the lesson to be learned here?
78
I am a mother four times over, but I wince at the ceremony of Mother's Day. I enjoy the day & my children are young enough (and not yet parents themselves) such that I can "demand" that they do something with me on that day. However, it's a personal/family thing, not a thing for which I need or want public recognition.
I have always disliked the "let's give a hand to all the mothers (or whatever title) in the room" or "would all the grandmas please stand" or what have you. Because life is complicated and people who aren't technically something have often played such a significant role (like the author) that they *should* be counted as whatever that is. Instead, it's a weird separation of haves/have nots of been-there-done-thats/haven't done thats, etc. And, it can be hurtful to people who wish they were whatever the celebrant is, but for whom life hasn't worked out in that way.
As another commenter said, the more caring, trustworthy adults in a child's life, the better.
151
I agree that singling out mothers for congratulations can be hurtful to those left out. But that can be said about a lot of tributes - there will always be someone left out. Do we omit all accolades for that reason?
6
As much as society has progressed, we still have a long ways to go. Our day-to-day lives are filled with subliminal messages of how society 'wants' us to be....or 'who' is valued in society more than others. Whether it's 'Mommy and Me Yoga', 'Moms Against Drunk Driving', 'Moms Against This or That', wedding invitations for 'Insert Name Here plus Guest', wedding receptions with a 'single's table', women fawning over other women's engagement rings, couples only associating with other couples (because they supposedly have more in common, by virtue of the fact that they are all in relationships?), subway ads that say 'Still Single? We can help. Call 1-800.....'
We have the phrase 'family man', which clearly implies that by virtue of being so, such a man is by default trustworthy, good, possibly 'god-fearing', etc. A man who is the opposite therefore, i.e., not a family man (not married and/or without children) is therefore presumed to be 'suspect'.... possibly a bad person, not necessarily trustworthy, etc.
12
@Lisa: You start by saying this: "Our day-to-day lives are filled with subliminal messages of how society 'wants' us to be....or 'who' is valued in society more than others. "
I would agree with that. However, I don't see how the presence of a "Mommy and Me Yoga" class is sending a subliminal message that society wants women to be mothers or that they are more valued in society.
In fact, when you look at how our country handles maternity leave, parental leave when children are sick, childcare, etc., I see no evidence that women are valued for being mothers.
And if moms who've lost children in drunk driving accidents want to form a group (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), I hardly see the problem in that. It doesn't mean that they are *valuing* mothers over everyone else. It means they've suffered a particular type of loss and they want to collaborate with others who understand that loss to help prevent more such tragedies in the future.
Sure, I wish it was "Parent and Baby Yoga" or some more gender-inclusive frame. But there are plenty of other situations in which women-only groups form, which makes given that women are generally devalued in our society.
I also fail to see how it's a problem to get a wedding invite that allows you to specify if you're bringing a guest. What's the alternative? To not let anyone bring a significant other (if they have one) to the wedding? Heck, I've been to weddings where your +1 could be a good friend. And
1
My story was similar. I "mothered" a "stepdaughter" for 11 years. When she stayed with us, my ex-partner did nothing except bedtime stories and a little horseplay, so I did all the care- taking. I loved her. I had no trouble breaking up with the man; but I stayed with him an extra three years because I couldn't bear breaking up with the girl. Afterward, there was no one who cared to help us continue a relationship, although I tried. After awhile I saw the writing on the wall - she was off-bounds forever. It made me feel very sad.
171
This is why singletons should enter into "faux step parenting" very cautiously. That child -- even if you raise them for 15 years or more -- IS NOT YOUR CHILD and likely will never be, especially if you do not marry the father or adopt the child legally. You are nothing more than a "really nice friend". And when the romance ends, you'll be kicked out the door for someone else.
4
Why did you see the broken engagement as the dissolution of your relationship with his boys?
5
Because if she doesn't see her ex, there is no plausible scenario how she could ever see his children. There is no legal right to visitation or contact.
33
So true. My husband's ex bore another man's baby while married to him, and he raised the child as his own for 15 months before they divorced. But after that divorce, that baby was no longer any relation to him. Certainly no relation to me when I came along a couple years later, though the ex was gracious enough to allow weekly visitation for five years. One day she decided enough, and that was that, and our.. "near" kid was far.
1
Actually, under the law, he was the father of the baby his wife had while married to him. He can be (and many in this situation are) required to pay child support. If your husband wanted a relationship with this child, he should have contacted a lawyer.
"After the service, an older man sitting nearby came up to me and said he’d noticed that I didn’t stand. 'Is everything O.K.?' he asked."
I can relate. As part of presurgery protocol, I've been asked what procedure I'm there for and, if applicable, right or left limb. I assume the objective is to ensure that the patient is fully on-board with the day's agenda. While prepping for my hysterectomy, my nurse asked me why I was there. After I answered, she asked how many children I had (I was 46 at the time). When I answered "None" her face fell and she said, in funereal tones, "I am so, so sorry." When I informed her that she should not be sorry as this was very much by choice, her manner turned cold and unfriendly. I knew she'd seen my cancer diagnosis in my record; I was astounded that she appeared to believe that my lack of children was a fate worse than cancer.
It's 2018 and women are still judged by their reproductive (or stepparent) status, which is no one's business but her own. I can't tell you how many times people have told me "You'll be sorry" or have asked "What if you change your mind?" I've even had doctors ask that one. I like to ask these people if someone tells them she's pregnant is their first reaction to her news "What if you change your mind?"
I'm still not sorry. And I've never changed my mind. My decision not to have children remains to this day the single best life decision I have ever made -- a decision that should be as acceptable as having them.
246
"What if you change your mind?" My response has always been that I considered it much preferable to not have children and wish I did, than to have them and wish I didn't.
23
My favorite is "You'll have no one to take care of you when you are old."
As if:
a) that's a valid reason to produce offspring -- it's abominable
b) people with offspring get taken care of -- ask any nursing home manager how that works out
c) people who are childfree have no one to care for them. i have lots of young friends and relatives despite being happily childfree by choice
There is nothing, on an overpopulated planet, noble about bio-breeding. It's time we stopped "celebrating" it and time to start celebrating alternative lifestyle choices -- and having the childfree pay the exact same proportion of their income in taxes as the childed. The time to reward breeding financially is long gone.
21
Thank you! Same here. 100% of your comment rings true. We child-free aunties (and faux-aunties: I'm a faux-auntie to several of my friends' children) are constantly navigating these questions and comments as if it's someone else's business. I'm so much more than my ability to produce offspring.
6
That sounds so hard -- I hope for both the writer's sake and the boys' sake, that she finds a way to stay in their lives. After all, most children benefit from having a larger # of loving adults in their lives. Much better than the heartache and confusion caused by a total cutoff. Such a moving essay.
12
I am the mother of a 32 year old. I raised my daughter as a single mother for many years. From birth on raising my daughter was a challenge. Luckily I had the kind of friends who would step in to help whenever necessary. Most of these friends were single and are still single. I will always appreciate the Diana's, Jane's, Pam's and Shelly's who supported me through the tough times.
64
What a lovely, poignant article. Other questions are: When a marriage in which you are a step parent dissolves, are you still a step parent? And what about spending loving time with grandchildren in a relationship between older partners where marriage is not practical. What are the relationships among “near-siblings” or “near cousins” in such relationships?
This kind of acceptance and loving inclusiveness in our culture and between cultures is something that signifies strength, not weakness in our personal and civic lives. It has the power to overcome the hurtful rhetoric coming from the highest political offices, some in the name of religion.
25
I think it’s best to skip the sub-categorized labels and go with something neutral to describe the complicated relationships in blended (and unblended) families. How about we call the whole lot “bonus family,” like they do in Sweden? It doesn’t matter whether you were married or lived together, or for how long, or whether you share custody of the kids or are not (were not) even a legal guardian for them. If the children were part of your family unit — whatever that unit was and however long it lasted — they are still family. Bonus family.
6
People with "step children", married or not, resonate with your feelings and this article. Often these relationships are fine; often they are not; either way for complex reasons and dynamics that hardly anyone understands. The biological parent does seem to have a "forever" connection but even those can break down. Sometimes, compare the relationship to the "step children" to a daughter-in-law...
5