Exhaustion is not a badge, It's just exhaustion.
Perfect timing for me as I too don't quit & that's not something we should be proud of because it means we continue to slug away at the wrong things versus moving on to things that give us more pleasure in life. I should have left IBM when I came home from Tokyo ... instead (due to family priorities) staying & getting laid off 6 weeks before retirement eligibility.
I did learn & sold my first business after 8 years ... and recently decided to leave my husband after 42 years of marriage. Too many people stay in relationships that drain them & I'd rather be honest than live a lie.
Thanks for your encouragement that others are making similar choices.
Wonderful to read your article.
To "quit" is a prerequisite to make choices.
When we choose something we need to let go others. It is a very basic understanding but in our society nowadays we are told to do everything - and that´s impossible.
So you choose health and let competition go? That´s fine. So you choose children and let go work, that´s wonderful. Is not the choice in it self, because it can be different to each person, but the power to be brave and uphold what is and what is not important to you.
2
The writer has had a successful career. She has a supportive network of family and friends and enough money to quit her job while, apparently, still young.
So what makes her story worthy of publication when, as others here have pointed out, many more people can't quit even when they hurt?
Is her experience valid? For her, sure.
Is it worth running in a paper of record like the NYT? Nope.
1
I agree. Along with all the qualities this writer tells us she possesses, is the other one she doesn't dwell on: EGO.
of the American type. So smart, so successful, and so unaware that there are other ways of living and looking at existence. My next assignment for her is a 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat. That'll blow your little mind even more than not being able to run 10 miles.
As an old Spanish saying goes: "How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward."
I vividly recall Hillary Clinton giving a commencement speech at one of the big women's college and a thematic point she eloquently and emphatically made was that while these young women had fantastic career potential and opportunity ahead of them as well-prepared graduates, they should not confuse their "work" with their "life." Those were surprising and wise words.
Of course, you may be disappointed that people around you don't understand or honor your decision, when you lean out. We really don't have the language for it, true, but I fear we also lack the generosity of spirit to embrace a "live and let live," "to each their own" attitude towards our fellow man. We don't have the philosophical and social structure to make these decisions easier and par for the course, the way our european neighbors do... instead Americans, and the like, attach labels of moral lapse and turpitude, psychologically undermining the effort to fit a moral narrative.
We make it materially and psychologically hard for people to move flexibly, successfully between work and personal life at the exact time that the very idea of work is poised to undergo radical change, as the future of "work" may be obsolete for large parts of the population. Jennifer Phang's disturbing film, Advantageous, captures the pathos and anxiety surrounding the future of women and work, a brilliant prescient film.
3
This speaks of privilege and it is rather a downer as most women cannot take a day a month to be quiet ..nor cut down on their work hours.
Give me a break...really ?! I am not sympathetic about the author having to quit running a marathon..Really ???
6
What I find interesting is the concept of having to schedule down time. If you have kids, take a long hike through the woods. If you have a job, schedule a dress down day, turn up the tunes, and completely clean your office. If you drive to work, stop off at a House of Worship for an hour.
An hour or two by yourself is certainly useful, but I don't know that we need to actively seek it out. We can merge this into our current lives.
I loved reading this. I’m from the generation of women who thought we had to do it all. Home, family, career. We had to wait for some “future time” to even consider our own health and happiness.
I was able to retire when I was just 55. I know how lucky I am. My career in a male-dominated field was a dead-end. And health issues made it impossible to deal with the physical and emotional stress.
But I often felt uneasy and guilty. I even went out and found a part-time job, thinking it would make me less guilty. But it didn’t.
With the help of a tremendous life coach, I am learning to accept I can no longer do everything — nor should I expect to be able to do everything. I have changed my priorities to family. I’d like to think I am a world-class grandma and I couldn’t have done that just 10 years ago.
5
I am of your generation. After two degrees from top tier schools, I decided at 35 to work 30 hours a week and pursue my art and have a "life." Yes.
The more I reflected on this essay, the more dyspeptic I feel about it. Between Bader (Amazon by way of Yale MBA) and her husband, Chitty, (Goldman Sachs via Oxford), their personal economics puts them in a position to make decisions that are categorically not on the table for 99% of the rest of families. Women don't need to be told to lean in or lean out by a class of writers from the 1%.
I have tired of the NYTs personal essay. I used to appreciate it as a format to convey lived wisdom or just a platform to showcase life's rich pageantry of experiences. Increasingly, though, the only people who can make a space to write are those with the bank account to allow it, and the content suffers from a lack of perspective. Yet another trite personal essay from yet another wealthy person.
This essay suffers from a dollop of narcissism and a heaping scoop of "what will I tell my busy, wealthy friends we, me and my stay at home DH, do all day that still has a ring of cache'? Oh, I know, I'll jump on the personal essay bandwagon."
I didn't buy Lean In and won't be bringing home Lean Out either. Please, wealthy writers, do what you are going to do in life, but stop reflexively trying to convince the rest of us we should pay attention. I quit.
Lately, it is only the rare NYT essay that hits it mark and this one does not.
13
Just a dollop? I'd call it a motherlode.
1
Enjoyed this, can relate, agree completely.
At the risk of seeming like blatant self-promotion, 20 years ago a friend and I wrote and recorded the theme song for us radicals who have decided to slow down and enjoy life:
"Underachievers Anonymous."
Track #3 if you care to listen:
https://store.cdbaby.com/cd/gregtamblyn1
Ahhh, the wisdom and gravitational pull of age-appropriateness.
Taking time out is important. The time you have with your kids will never come around again. Good for you for quitting.
3
This whole post is how I feel about graduate school. So much mental anquish. I know I need to stop but it is just so hard to let yourself wave the white flag.
Thank You for sharing this with the world.
I feel ya. Once we glimpse the egotistical futility of our made up activities like marathons and book writing, it's hard to continue. Push, push, push, never stop, never reflect, just run, run, run like a lemming. It's a beautiful place to sit still and watch the energy in your body but not react to it.
2
I'm having an issue seeing through this. This looks like an either/or switch.
I work, but still make time for the family, and trips to the gym, and a walk in the woods. This is kind of comprises life. No one can do 26 hours of activity in a day, so we pick and choose.
It just doesn't feel pronouncement-worthy. The author is cutting back on some activities because time doesn't permit. Everyone in the world does this.
4
men need to learn these kinds of relaxation techniques. until they do, the average woman will live longer and there will continue to be a "gender pay-gap".
Luckily, for me, I've never been an over achiever or a perfectionist, but I do know people who are. They often don't know when to stop or to accept that nothing in life is ever going to stay perfect, even if it seems so for the moment. I have seen these people lose relationships, their health, etc. because they can't stop. Being happy with yourself, just relaxing with the family or reading a big book are easy solutions. Life and people won't always wait for you while you choose to do more than necessary. Take a break, it's not a sin.
4
This applies to institutions as well. For instance, the only focus of any so-called successful business is supposed to be "growth." But why? If you run a company well, and it employs however many people well, and you are satisfied with your income and lifestyle, why do you need to grow it? For small businesses, this idea affects quality of life as well as rates of success/failure--in theory, taking a no-growth approach would allow other companies to thrive, too. But it has had HUGE consequences for our economy overall in the public-company sphere, where shareholder value (i.e. growth) is all that matters. Employees are now just sunk costs, to be minimized whenever possible; inequality reigns. We'd ALL be better off if companies of all shapes and sizes made enough to support their employees and shareholders within reason--and then spent the rest of their resources on human well being.
4
The guy that owned the local laundromat had a decent business, and so it was always crowded. The joint next door closed down. He could easily have taken it, but didn't. Less than a year later, a new laundromat opened a block away-new machines and twice the space. I don't think the old space stayed open two months. It's a nice thought to be happy with what we have, but there are plenty of people that will want what you have.
1
I don't see any hostility or condescension in the article towards people who don't have the option of quitting. Almost all of us, at some time in our lives, have been in a situation of *voluntarily* doing something that we should have had the sense to either quit or cut back on much earlier. Yes, there's much more flexibility for people who have a lot of money. But I grew up among working-class people who slaved away, usually out of family guilt, at activities that were *not* their jobs, and were *not* providing any real benefits either to others or to themselves. Those things are optional, and if they start to hurt, it's time to drop them.
2
Last year I quit the gym and got a puppy. I have spent the past months outside walking, getting to know more neighbors, stopping to watch the birds - noticing anew what the puppy notices as she discovers the world. I've stopped watching television and started reading more. I cook at home instead of eating out. I spend time with my last child at home before she heads off to college next year - well, as much time as she can afford me. I go to bed early, sleep well, and wake early. I'm building new habits of slowing down, making time for people/animals, and feeling comfortable with slowness and quietude. It has brought me so much contentment. Put down the screens, buy less, shut out the world of advertising, and get outside. It's the only way to live!
15
One simple way I've cut down on phone/screen time is to wear a watch (that only tells time), especially when I'm away from work.
Too often I pull out my phone to check the time and out of habit end up looking at messages, etc.
5
Is there something wrong with looking at messages? One of the issues I have with the column is that, in attempting to restructure their lives to make their lives simpler, all they are doing are restructuring their lives differently. While it is entirely possibly that too many people are texting you for unimportant stuff, it doesn't mean that you should look at your texts; simply that you need to restrict the number of incoming texts to a manageable level.
Aha! Thank you. I needed to read that right now as it proved to me my decision was right. I also just quit something. Others had pulled me into something that wasn't feeling right and threatened to consume my precious little free time. I had to choose me, not them. I don't know what I want yet, but I have a pretty clear idea of what I don't want. I don't want to become so busy there's no time for solitude. I embrace the concept of kairos!
5
Caught your post while on Mozilla for another task. It struck off guard, as I thought personally I was going nuts thinking of doing the same thing. At my age of 62 with 3 small grandchildren I've decided to take advantage of Early Retirement, but I will continue to work part time for as long as I am able. After a lifetime of working past my limits, raising a daughter on my own without the assistance of a spouse, and the many hours of volunteer work, I just decided that it was time for me. My health has taken a back seat while doing everything else in life, so it's time for me now. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I'm beginning a new journey. I'd love to take a road trip across the U.S. again and visit corners I've not seen before. Maybe I'll write a book, even if it's just for me. I'll walk more, take some Ti Chi classes, possibly teach some Handwriting to children, laugh more, enjoy talking with complete strangers like always, and just find time for me. Maybe I'll find my Knight in Shining Armour along the way. All I know is that I need more peace and contentment. I am respected by my peers, and CPA's are enthralled with my craft of Accounting. There will always be a place for me in the work industry part time. Enjoy your family and experience all you can in life with them. What an exciting decision you have made by learning to quit. You are ahead of the game for sure! Best to you and everyone who decides to take a step back and smell those roses!
3
A day of silence/month would require being away from my family. But I love silence whenever I get the chance. An hour now and then can be quite calming.
2
People do not understand the periods of rest and rejuvenation anymore and that is the reason we find so many depressed people around. We are not machines though the modern civilization tries to turn us into them.
Rest and rejuvenation is not making hectic plans and going out on an event filled vacation. It is just doing nothing and spacing out. My minds needs space to keep pace with the external changes in our life. We all have this inner life that need to be in sync with the external.
When we do not let our minds and bodies rest and heal we invite a low quality life. A lot of people think multi tasking will help and will never be able to provide complete rest to their bodies and minds. We are not talking about charity or people doing something for the world...we are talking about people not being generous with their own minds, bodies and feelings. What they can do for the world outside is really debatable.
Depression and lack of enthusiasm is a direct result of a life of constant busyness to pay bills. Ninety percent of the people if I am not wrong live just to pay bills. And that is really miserable. One should break up life goals into small achievable targets and after reaching each small target should be followed with a period of rest. Rest should mean really rest and not just some fad.
There is a much bigger root issue we face behind all this. This is the attitude of compromise and not doing anything fully. We cannot do anything fully and that is the core issue.
7
So much seething hostility in some of the comments - is it wrong for a mother to want to spend time with her kids during their pre-school years? If she's raising twins, she's not exactly loafing!
The French know how to savor life: I've watched them at their many open-air markets, chatting with the merchants, or taking time to catch up on the local news at a café, or just strolling (flâner) along, window shopping. Maybe we could all learn something from them, and from the writer of this article. "Consider the lilies."
17
I've always had those friends/teammates that try to tell you that you must push through the pain to be a great athlete but that is definitely not always the case. Especially with marathon training. That kind of distance running puts a tremendous amount of stress and pounding on your bones and joints. There's no way around it. Increasing your running mileage should be done gradually. It is a process that can take many months before your body can handle that many miles without stress injuries.
I've always been a distance runner, but typically never raced more than 5k or 10k. I started getting stress fractures once I hit 65+ miles a week, they kept coming back each time I tried to get back into it and I had to quit too. If you love running, how about trying some 5K races and keeping your weekly mileage under 50? If you can handle these races with no injuries it may still be very fulfilling for you. Plus the time spent running/training will be much less at those mileage levels.
Either way, do what's best for you and your body. There's no reason to have to fight through pain! I wound up finding a new hobby, weight-lifting, and haven't had a single injury from that in many years. I couldn't imagine trying to do a marathon, I would fall apart.
Best of luck
9
As a recovering type A (and former marathoner as well), and someone who has lost loved ones to illness much too early, I am re-training myself to say no, quit, take care of myself, do nothing once in a while. And more so, not to feel guilty about it. Life is short - and often cut short. A post-it on my fridge says "Things that matter." (To me, "winning" or "being the best" is not important. Doing a good job and being a good person is plenty. David Brooks had several columns on this a few years ago). And yes, there are privileges such as the ones the author and some readers note, in being able to quit or take time off, but many of our hardest working, poorest ancestors took siestas every afternoon and spent entire long weekend days sitting, eating and enjoying the company of family and friends. Sure, these are the things that not everyone values or needs to value, but I say go for it when you do want these things.
5
It's easy to appreciate the value of quitting when what you're quitting is a physical exertion that taxes your body beyond its limit. Marathons are hard and so is training for them. But what about people like wait-staff construction workers, whose daily exertions are exhausting, plus inherent to the jobs they are required to do to support themselves and their families? This article is a little too precious because not everyone has the luxury of a Sabbath, let alone a sabbatical. You can afford to turn down work? Lucky you.
8
That is a valid point that this article and the concept of Sabbath are for individuals who have the privilege of it. However, the author is speaking from a perspective that she can afford to do this because she has worked hard while having good fortune/luck to be in a place where she can take time off from work. Perhaps it is better for us to appreciate her success also.
7
Quote from article: "I know that it is an enormous luxury to be able to choose not to work for even a short period of time."
1
I hear you, and that's a sad commentary on our economic & social system - everyone needs a break, and no one should be working seven days a week.
After practicing law for 25 years (I am 50) I am taking a two-month sabbatical this summer. I’ve been feeling quite guilty and wondering if it is the right thing to give up this income. Perhaps while I’m off, I’ll be able to get a better feeling for my ideal plan for the next 25 years.
5
Do it. Don't regret the income. The way I look at it, you can't money to the grave with you. If you've been practicing law for that long, I'm sure you'll be able to get something later on if you choose. I just came back from a four month sabbatical myself and I wouldn't trade in a salary for the experiences I had during that time. I wish I would have done something like this sooner (I'm 35) because I think it would have probably planned my life differently.
4
I would think in terms of how much you need for retirement before doing anything. The ultimate form of worldly freedom, imho, is to be able to do whatever you want. Without the bankroll, you might be feeling the squeeze ten years from now.
I'm not suggesting you have to work forever, but you could be living the life of your dreams, living in the Rockies, but if you have to count every penny, I don't think you'll get the same level of satisfaction. When I opt out, I don't want to spend a minute thinking about money.
Not everyone gets it back. I know of people that made serious money on Wall Street. When they got laid off, they were getting offers for 25% of their previous salary. My previous boss, with better credentials than me, was off for a couple of years.
Just imho, I wouldn't take anything for granted in my 50. The up side is a few more enjoyable years in your 50s. The downside is 30 years of counting every dime.
I like very much the words "steady diet of spaciousness". They can mean many things. Literally, they will refer to sparsely furnished rooms and half empty closets and cabinets. Metaphorically, to uncrowded days and minds.
I believe that if I pay attention, I can achieve both even while working.
Josefina Alvarez
Santa Fe, New mexico
8
Thank you for this. I was registered to run the 21 miler yesterday. Like you, in training and after a half marathon PR, the chronic arthritis in my hip exploded, and I grieved this past weekend. I’ve seen this as a spiritual lesson in letting go, while I consider life after a hip replacement. It’s clear for me how much of my identity is wrapped up in overcoming challenges. Whom will I discover when I let go?
9
Here’s what I have learned: stress is stress is stress. The body feels stress whether physical or mental or emotional. Our job as humans is to balance it. When you have a very sick child, for example, the body might rebel against you running that marathon. I learned this the hard way. Know thyself. Give what you can give - first to you then to others. A blessed balanced life to all!
7
When I read an article, I always ask myself whether there are parts to which I can relate even if some parts are not practical for the demographic I am in. While most people cannot just quit their jobs, there are many areas of our lives in which we might be able to say no to something because it is one thing too much, the cost in terms of our health and safety exceeding the benefit..
Sometimes people persist with some undertaking because of the time they have already spent on it. As time is valuable for most of us, does it always make sense to finish reading a book or watching something you are not enjoying or learning from at all? To say yes to every favor that is asked of you? To try to meet impossible or impractical expectations?
A related idea is how hard it is and how necessary it sometimes is to ask for help- to quit trying to do everything oneself when help is potentially available.
10
I am a veteran high school teacher currently on medical leave after experiencing multiple illnesses due to exhaustion. After spending my summer recovering from breast cancer surgery, I had to return to work for financial reasons. But my schedule was so intense that I simply couldn’t keep up and nearly broke down physically. My doctor pulled the plug, imploring me to use these next few months to rest and reflect.
Like the author, I embraced challenges. Last year I ran 12 half marathons in a year. I worked long hours creating new lessons for my students. Now my body is so tired that a good workout for me is a long walk with my dog.
Being able to take a break is imperative to our physical, mental, and spiritual health. However, not all of us are so lucky. I have to return to work in August for financial reasons. However, I am seeking alternatives.
The author did recognize her privilege in being able to quit work. I recognize my privilege in having disability insurance to take a few months off. I have a deep admiration for those who cannot, and bravely soldier on.
What I’ve learned so far is that society’s pressures, and the pressures we place upon ourselves, are crazy. I need to make some changes in my life.
21
We wish you the best as you heal, Wendy.
10
Perhaps I'm advantaged. If advantaged means working from 14-61. If advantaged means returning to work after the birth of all three children. If advantaged means struggling through marriage ups and downs, single advocate parenting, life challenges... but enough now. I quit.
I quit my corporate career almost two years ago, my consulting career a year ago, helping a friend's business almost two months ago. We sold houses and bought a new one in another state, all cash, no mortgage.
I'm volunteering, sleeping in with my husband who retired after forty years taking care of animals, walking with our dogs, exploring our new home, making new friends, walking through a museum mid week in the middle of the day!
I quit... but the future is so bright, I have to wear shades!
28
I recommend to practice what Master Tolle says in the book "power of now".
Or maybe watch any of his many videos available in YouTube. Who knows maybe it can be of help to anyone.
reading some of the comments, i offer this to all of those with an unhealthy dose of Liberal privilege-guilt: there's probably a pill for that. as big pharma says, "ask your doctor."
3
Initially felt sympathetic - until she revealed she was an Amazon executive. Amazon, a company whose lower level employees are famously permatemps, surviving on zero hours contracts and food stamps, with no medical coverage, let alone vacation time. Yes, she's in a great position to lecture them.
31
A. Amazon employs more than a half a million people. A half a million people who willingly applied for and accepted their positions. My guess is that most of these half a million people could have secured employment elsewhere. It seems extraordinarily unlikely it was "work at Amazon or work nowhere else." They're not enslaved.
B.) The author was in no way "lecturing" them. Get a grip.
10
I love the part when she says about her "corporate salary".
Can't she be more humble?
Why does she need to mention that?
Obviously there's a latent inferiority complex behind all the article.
Master Eckhart Tolls teaches many things about how the unobserved mind (Ego) works....just grab a copy of "power of now"
I love the part when she says about her "corporate salary".
Can't she be more humble?
Why does she need to mention that?
Obviously there's a latent inferiority complex behind all the article.
Master Eckhart Tolle teaches many things about how the unobserved mind (Ego) works....just grab a copy of "power of now"
As a fellow IT band sufferer, I can authoritatively say, you really can’t run through this injury when it’s bad. The good thing is that it’s curable, at least, by rest and PT.
9
PS. Save up for a lot of therapy bills and buy stock in liquor companies. I cannot imagine how your hormone charged teenaged twins are going to feel ten years from now and find your reference to them as "blobs". Should make for years of tense Thanksgivings and other family holidays.
4
Wow! What a critique - most people can agree that newborns are helpless blobs...
12
There are many people and other animals who would love to hibernate but just don’t have the time nor the cumstances to quit. If your children are starving, go ahead and sit down and say I quit.
4
i wish i had the money to do very little based in seattle.
16
I really do not understand the level of vitriol in these comments against the author.
Modern American culture is focused on keeping us all running around like chicken with our necks cut off - always competing, "maximizing", over-achieving, etc. I chose long ago to forego opportunities that may have paid me more money. We live in a lovely house in an interesting neighbourhood on the "wrong" side of town. (My work colleagues would visibly raise their eyebrows if I mentioned it.) Rather than work to pay a mortgage (as my colleagues all do), we bought a house where we knew we could easily pay off the mortgage in a few years. We paid it off, and now are debt free. But thats because we don't "want" a lot of things. We share a 10 year old Honda. I bicycle to work. We have our own garden. We are focused on the joy of everyday living, and not on accumulating wealth or possessions. (And we are definitely not hippies.) Our big splurge is travel to distant and exotic lands.
Everyone can start to take back control of their own lives and get off the treadmill. I just wish I had done it sooner.
82
I too share a 10-year-old car with my husband and also have a garden. I live an everyday life in a small rural community where we have farmers who are on the treadmill 24/7, poor people who work two and three jobs to make ends meet and would probably be happy on just one treadmill, well-to-do second home folks and retirees like me who get on and off the treadmill at will, and a growing population of opioid addicts who can't even find the treadmill to get on.
The reason this article is getting pushback is that while it is challenging to make the choices the author wrote about, it pales in comparison to not having the luxury of choosing.
I have a 65-year-old friend who has waitressed her entire career. She doesn't have enough money to retire completely even with Social Security. Her knees, her hips, her back, have all been compromised in her service to people like you, me and the author.
36
Americans can't stop competing. The author wrote an article on something that was important to her. 25 years ago there would not have been a market for her story other than to friends and neighbors but ease of media use makes everyone a player today. Everyone picks a side -usually based on their own situation- and then posts it. 25 years ago this would not be happening because everyone was too busy with their own lives- jobs, families, recreation. Is this the progress we want or need? I don't think so.
2
I tripped and fell on a sidewalk two and a half weeks ago and have a nondisplaced rib fracture. I've had to stop my daily 30 minutes of swimming until the pain goes away. I tried some easy laps earlier this week but the pain I felt a few hours later made me realize that I needed to wait longer to get back into the pool. When, as you say, the pain comes back, one ought to pay attention to what one's body is saying, no? Framing that as "quitting" sounds as if you are casting yourself in your personal remake of "The Triumph of the Will." I'm about to retire so think of yourself as a retired long-distance runner. Think of the career of the late Roger Bannister, M.D., and enjoy your twins.
10
I am 65 years old. When I started running at 42, I thought I might last a few years as a runner. Then, in my wild moments, I thought I might run into my 70s. And then recently I developed arthritis in my feet. Admitting to myself at age 62 that I would never be able to run again was very hard. I miss the afterburn and strength, but I can walk.
I wish you well, Ms. Bader, for a great run next year.
11
She talked about what heterosexual men think - and she’s quite accurate. To what degree, that’s debatable, but completely accurate that many - probably most men, did or do, have a visceral reaction. If this lady is so terrified of the thought police politically correct left that she can’t even explain that point , then you guys gotta just give up on the next election. Working people work too hard to get caught up in your nonsensical rules about honesty
2
Your comment seems to say more about you than reflect on the author.
7
Even privileged folk struggle.
22
If you don't learn to listen to what your body and mind are telling you and refuse to slow down or stop completely you will eventually crack from the pressure. Your body will force you to listen. Better to learn to listen before you get to that point. Often you will end up in a better place.
24
I love the messgae of this article. I don’t think it’s about privilege at all.
I am a single mom, self-employed as a web designer, who just finished putting her one son through college with NO student loans. Not a lot of privilege going on here.
Last fall, I lost three major clients. One I fired outright. One I quit when I found out she’d been lying to me all year. The third fired me. At the time, I was redesigning my website as well. After nine years in business, I had to really sit down and think about the kind of clients I want — and DON’T want. Cash flow has been tricky during this down time, but it been worth the effort to redefine my business.
It would have been very tempting to keep one or two of these clients just to have the income. However, the problems they were causing were costing me more money than I was making.
Too many people think they’re “failing”if they have to change something. Change usually involves letting go of something to make room for something better. Losing income, companionship or other signs of “stability” can make change scary — which is why so many people stay stuck in bad situations they know. But like the author, I have found that taking the risk makes the scary part worth it.
Thanks for this article. I really needed this today.
64
What's that saying?
'if you want a fresh cup of tea, you first have to empty your cup'
And emptying your cup, letting go of what you have, can be scary, and daunting and risky. But sometimes it is really the best thing if what you're doing isn't working for you anymore.
5
Love this article and relate so well to it. I have the hardest time quitting anything and become paralyzed by fear. Kudos to the author for figuring it out and then getting (and staying) out.
19
Maybe an equally valid approach is to be more thrifty in taking on tasks at the onset. Quitting does not mean walking out on a job. It can be not worrying about competing on Christmas decorations or losing weight before a school reunion. Yes, as naysayers are quick to interject, people have varying degrees of dropping everything. The counter is that almost everyone has a lot that can be discarded. A subplot for the George Clooney character in Up In The Air was his lecture “What’s in your backpack?”. Way too much and the weight hinders your efforts on the really important things. Be smart and do not put it in the backpack.
7
Except what we know, having watched Clooney's character throughout the film, is that he -- least of all -- knew what was actually in *his* backpack. Utilitarianism is a useful probe, but when does it become a hand tool of our obsession with productivity porn -- i.e., the ideal optimizer. (Ideal for whom? For what?)
Which, of course, becomes its own life lesson.
3
Yep -- it's true. At all ages, it's true. Shouldering through to the end isn't always worth it
9
I understand the gist of your missive.
Everyone, always, has a choice.
But for many , many people the choice of "quitting" simply does not work. I t is the worst of two choices. I think I understand your metaphor. I am college educated and continue to learn but Many people must continue to work (meaning do something they really , truly ,struggle to do)because the rent must be paid.
Do you have rent to pay?
16
What does needing to pay the rent have to do with quitting? The ability to walk away with a deep understanding of yourself, of what really truly is important in your life will provide you with a better understanding of the skills you possess. That information will enable to pay the rent (as you put it) in ways you could never otherwise visualize.
The quiet space inside of you is the most important gift you can give yourself, especially in this day and age of constant bombardment by information on all different levels.
14
"Needing to pay the rent" is symbiotic with if one has a lack of resources and struggles on a level of survival, then the choices can seem not a choice, such as have a terrible job, but can buy food, pay rent vs. homelessness. This does not take away from the great point of this article, but does reflect the impact of one's resources and how it limits or expands options.
5
Have you ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
1
Sometimes "quitting" can be a stepping stone to success. I have started and dropped out of 3 marathons and finished I think it is 12 or 13. In all three DNFs I stopped by 10 or 15 miles because I knew I simply didn't have it physically that day. In one instance I ran another marathon a week later and finished in what for me was a respectable time.
7
I can't think of anything stupider to do in Big Sur than to run a marathon, except perhaps jumping on a cliff into the ocean.
17
The point to this article is listening in your stillness - rich , poor, overworked, or .... making space beyond the doing. Thank you for the mention of Coming Into Your Own and Barbara Cecil. There is gold here, and anyone can have a piece of that, if in just the consideration.
13
Quitting is something you learn after a long life of staying put in jobs, relationships, places, etc that make your life miserable, just because you have to. Some people cannot ever afford to quit a job because it means going derelict. But quitting is not only something the privileged few can afford. Sometimes quitting means cutting with a relationship that takes more from you than what it gives. For those criticizing the writer as entitled, she does not have to make excuses for who she is. This is not about a rich person deciding that she was bored with her job. By sharing her experience she can help others see that you can quit anything and look for alternatives, or at least look at that possibility. You don't need to continue with something you don't like so that others will not look upon you as a failure. I looked at this because I recently walked out of a well paid job and needed some validation that what I did was right. I am enjoying my life as I never had before, and I was feeling guilty for my husband working and I not. I feel better now.
38
I don't think it counts as "quitting" to decide not to race in a marathon when you are experiencing knee pain! That's just making a prudent decision to save your health.
All this hand-wringing...just live and give yourself a break for not doing "it all".
29
Nice piece that helps counter the "you can be anything " mythology. Also appreciated how Ms. Bader credited, by name, ideas from other writers -- a lot of essays don't do that.
19
Learning when to quit is part of wisdom, it involves memory of past experience and consideration of consequences. Age and knowledge of past experience is essential.
When we're young and driven by the sheer energy of emotions, we don't have that knowledge and we push past the point when injury becomes unavoidable. It takes a few injuries to pay attention and become wise. That's how quitting is a learned, acquired skill that only physical therapists know well.
The dilemma is even more acute for high-altitude mountaineering (Himalayas or Andes). There's a point when the summit is near, practically close at hand, but all the signs are warning that pushing for the summit will make the descent too late, impossible, fatal. It's a question of life or death. And only wise mountaineers accept that fact and are willing to quit as the only way to guarantee that there will be another expedition and another attempt.
In marathon running the dilemma seems a little less dramatic, but in essence, it's the same. Being willing to quit when the signs of imminent injury are looming is the only way to guarantee that there'll be another day, another race.
I completed 18 marathons, but once in New York, at mile 20, pretty close to the end, and still so far, I felt awful, as I had never felt before. Something was not right, and I decided right then and there to force myself to quit, without cash or subway tokens, just to tame myself and learn how to quit. I never regretted the decision.
11
The rest of the natural world doesn't come up with silly "to do" lists.
10
After the "to do list" has become the "been there, done that" list, then comes death.
5
To Do lists for me are all about memory and not about motivation. :^)
2
Often it is our self will that is acting
Throw it into the flames and watch it burn
2
Rich person's problems. sigh
27
“. . . bailing . . . Big Sur . . . waves . . .“ Get it?
1
This article reeks of privilege.
29
You know what I would like to see people "quit"? I'd like to see them Quit criticizing everyone who has a different out look or viewpoint.. like so many of these commenters. Leave the lady alone. She wrote a good article and it may appeal to some people... Life is short.. it can end in a blink of an eye... so QUIT.. being so judgemental.
110
Says the woman judging others.
4
Two words: Sanctimonious. Entitled.
27
It's called exercising adult discretion and judgment. To quote the late Joan Rivers"Oh grow up!" How does it justify this essay?
9
This kind of tale is why Donald Trump was elected.
But please keep on publishing this stuff.
7
Her tagline says she's doing nothing in Seattle. Raising 5-year-okd twins is hardly nothing. As every stay-at-home mother knows, working is easier than mothering on many days.
32
I agree. Mothering is definitely something- especially if you are doing it well. Perhaps the writer would feel less guilty about things if she saw it that way too. I have a feeling one can still lead a pretty amazing life without having run a marathon.
10
Many young persons now spend more time on their electronic devices than they spend being with their children, even when they are actually with their children. It's pathetic to see a young parent push her/his shopping chart through the supermarket with a child on board...as the parent chats or texts on a device and ignores the child.
9
I am one of those mothers. But please consider- I am home all day with my little one. When we are out and he is observing the world, I take a moment to myself to catch up with my friends and family. Before you judge me, I dedicate most of my time to my child. I’m sure you don’t begrudge a few moments of me feeling a bit more connected?
6
Great article. This lesson is almost impossible to learn unless you're older and have obvious examples around you. I remember in grade school how dedicated I was to playing the trombone. No one ever told me it was not an instrument that one can play six hours per day, like I did. (I joke to my friends now that I was a "Shiite trombonist".) The more relentlessly I practiced the worse my playing became, but I stuck with it, determined. (My long-suffering parents!) Before I finally quit in college, it would take me about three hours of warming up, to break down my (musclebound?) lips, before they could buzz again. Now I know that I probably suffered something referred to as "embouchure collapse". It makes me wish I would have just quit and switched to piano, because then my efforts would have paid off.
It wasn't all a waste. I emerged from this ordeal with superhuman patience.
13
Thank you for your comment. I’m 65 and have spent 40 years regretting that I didn’t practice trumpet 6 hours a day. I’m finished with that regret starting right now.
10
I read this article and thought of the idea of 'self care.' It didn't rub me the wrong way at all. It seems that people are quite ready to get their backs up about someone publically saying that their well-being is worth spending some time on. Maybe that is case of, 'if I can't have it, why should she?' Then she is excoriated for her privilege. This does not hold up, in my opinion, because people who take time for themselves are more able to give of themselves to others. It's not one or the other.
28
My mixed message comment:
This piece reminds me of my late first wife. She worked herself to death. Fortunately we had no children together. I believe she achieved that mindset out of her alcohol addicted father's neglect. He had trouble giving her the emotional support that a young person needs. She spent her remaining adult years trying to prove that she was worthy by neglecting to smell the roses from time to time.
My one criticism of your piece is, and it has been reflected by other comments, is that it makes you come across as being very out of touch with other peoples real life commitments. I suggest your rework it to make it better. NO, that was sarcasm. As if it your assignment was to be all inclusive...
I think its great that you have a network that helps keeps your machine going; but like most machines that gather speed, rarely do people ask who or what is in charge of regulating how much it does. You stepped in. That's a excellent message to carry forward.
I too have given up marathons/running in general. Cycling is better on my bowlegged joints.
4
Different strokes for different folks. Not everybody has to (or can) do everything. I started running seriously at the age of 38, doing a 5-mile circuit through the streets of Schenectady, NY almost daily then. Now, at the age of 75, I still enjoy running with a dog in a forest near our Maryland home. But I surely would stop if running caused me pain or other evidence of harm.
4
In other countries, it's far more common to take a sabbatical - a breather to both still the mind and inspire new personal and professional explorations.
By and large, our culture isn't morally comfortable with that, because our high cost of living and huge inequities between the 1% and the rest of society prohibit this kind of break.
Instead of castigating the writer for her "first world problem", let's understand, instead, that it's our society's problem that the U.S. - with our increasingly widening gulf between the haves and have nots - is really not a "first world" country anymore.
57
"Corporate social responsibility ". Oxymoron much? 'Nuff said, fade to black.
12
And for Amazon yet!
4
Yes, enjoy what you have - who ever you are and how ever much you have.
Be content, be compassionate.
19
I trust that the author is a kind, good person, 100%, but this rubbed me wrong.
First of all, she has the perfect husband, perfect support network, and no immediate need for income from the Greatest Job In the History of Mankind, or it least that’s what I gleaned: the best company on Earth (Amazon), apparently has a group dedicated to “corporate social responsibility” (okay, like, charities? Global warming? Elephants?), with “managable” hours (sweet), a “corporate salary” (sounds like six or seven figures to me) and the author “got the chance” to “lead” that group. Sooooo....Jeff Bezos put you in charge of giving away his money? Whatever this job is, I’m jealous.
And this marathon-quitting thing, I dunno. First of all, she got injured. In war they give away medals for that kind of quitting. And why include the impressive pre-quit training details (a 17-miler and a 10-miler), or drop terms like “iliotibial band” as if we all know what that is? And, I’m sorry, when the author drops that she actually HAS done a marathon, the year after her twins were born, while writing her first book, I mean, c’mon.
You know what quitting looks like? I once vowed to run a marathon, but after stumbling home fewer than 3 miles into my second training run, holding my gut like I’d been shot, I decided watching TV, eating cheese popcorn and drinking New Zealand sauvignon was preferable. Now THAT’S quitting. That’s the type of quitting — by true lazy slobs like me — I’d like to read about.
97
I for one, salute you, sir.
16
How about you write an article? Or does that kind of invalidate your lifestyle choice :)
14
Best laugh I've had in years!!Thanks
5
this is a thoughtful article for the top 1% and a tone-deaf solipsistic screed for everyone who has to work for a living
46
A day of silence a month?
With a demanding legal job and 2 small kids- this is a joke
This whole article infuriated me. My husband and I are public interest attorneys, and we can barely afford any housing in our area
In these times of no middle class and everyone’s not being able to afford anything- this author should get out of her bubble and advocate for someone who is struggling- a single mom for example in her area. So many people are hurting now because of the economic inequalities
41
Wish I had the luxury to quit.
19
Interesting how much some people require applause and recognition…
30
Completely agree with all of this. However, when it comes to quitting toxic work situations, current reality really doesn't allow it for most people who are a paycheck away from economic disaster. If only the gig economy worker could do this! The housecleaners, the food workers, the retail folks... Much also depends on age. The people I know who are in their 40s, 50s and up---once they leave or lose their professional jobs, they disappear into the ranks of permanently unemployed or work in retail.
21
If you walk away at 50 (no matter how grim the job or unreasonable the boss) you won't be allowed back. I get your point but this reads more like a prosperity gospel....
31
Some people have raked in so much cash that they can walk away at age 50. However, those people usually have not really done any useful work for most of us. Certainly police officers, firefighters, teachers and nurses can't walk away at age 50.
11
Chicago public school teachers, police officers, firefighters, and Cook County employees can retire after 30 years of service with a very generous pension (70% of the average pay of their last 5 years of service). In some cases this is as early as age 48 or 51 depending on the age when they started working. They retire all the time and find a new occupation.
Wayne Muller is also hilarious and the book is a gem. He reminds us that remembering sabbath is a commandment, it's not optional. You know, like not killing, not stealing, not sleeping with your best friend's wife. Finding a way to do sabbath is part of being human and it requires choice which requires saying "no". Good for you.
5
There is a deep gash, a heart-shredding ache in the hearts of all who share so much here. Yet the real dilemma is not "Who gets to rest and who doesn't." We all need rest. The brittle, jagged, sarcastic pride in working without stopping is no victory for anyone but the corporations who enjoy our righteous sacrifice. For what? No one ses this deep imbalance as an opportunity to join together, look after one another, have one another's back, jointly demand to live honorably in ancient rhythms of Time. Everything precious - Love, trust, family, intimacy, integrity, justice, respect - needs time. robbed of time, we are ALL robbed of what makes Life beautiful, rich, an invaluable gift. We can only change this not by out-working, out-suffering, out-victimizing one another. We shift this by naming the Truth of Time - and all its valuable fruits - stolen from us, unles we claim Time as our collective nirthright. Together. We find authentic rest when we are on one another's side - not on one another's case. Can we imagine our barn-raising lneage as an example of the best of our national ability to join together, imperfectly, sloppily - but together?
There's no need to justify your choices. We seem to have such angst over things that are no one else's business.
9
Socrates says that people make themselves appear ridiculous when they are trying to know obscure things before they know themselves. Plato also alluded to the fact that understanding 'thyself,' would have a greater yielded factor of understanding the nature of a human being.
2
It does seem impossible that an article of this nature will hit the mark with a wide audience, and in the authors defense, it is well written article with a noble intent, but I think the mark is missed to connect with a wider audience and knowing who that audience. If this were written for runner style magazine or given as lecture for a freshman year business class they hey your crossed the finish line. Unfortunately, this newspaper is read by a wider audience that don't have the luxurey to stop working or pass up a dream job. Should we reevaluate our lives? Absolutely. But all lives are not equal and when you want to pass on a bit of wisdom on, being modest in our intent and delivery can go a far greater distance.
24
Well said and I agree. Which is why I gave the example in my post of how I "quit" (not all the time) a habit that so many Americans have: being glued to their phones (and online) and how that damages your relationships, work performance, and health. I see people all over NYC, including transitional shelter residents on the block in my gentrifying neighborhood, glued to their phones. Ignoring friends/family/being present to life. Hunched over so badly that people of younger ages are developing hunchback like 90 year olds and therefore harming their health.
So much harm by this one habit that anyone can cut back on and see improvement to their lives. Too bad the author didn't bring into the article things like this so people could see it extends beyond a life of privilege.
5
Sometimes you just got to sit on the couch for a while.
18
Understandable that you quit Amazon. It's a often a high stress unpleasant workplace. If everyone could afford to quit and enjoy a “steady diet of spaciousness” the workforce would shrink dramatically.
9
Edward Abbey described American Capitalism best when he wrote, "Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of a cancer cell." And well, it's hard to imagine that cancer cells feel good about what they do.
6
Our lives are defined just as much as by what we do but what we do not do.
4
Blaise Pascal said something to the effect that life is not the port from which one departs, the vessel in which one travels, or the port at which one arrives. Life is the journey. I also like Tim Minchin's take on the search for meaning:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoEezZD71sc
1
Philip Shepherd in his recent book, ‘Radical Wholeness’, speaks of how our Western society is unconsciously addicted to ego-centric ‘rational’ thinking, while neglecting, even denigrating as some commentators here, the deeper, emotional-based wisdom of our bodies. It is not a choice of either-or, but a balance of practical assertiveness combined with a depth of accepting compassion and care. Yes, it is the timing, the ‘kairos’ that must be our guide, not our brute determination.
9
Even though this is, as the saying goes, a "first world" essay, I enjoyed reading it. I have been a runner since i started in high school some sixty years ago, which is the only time I ran in competition. Seems that running like reading a novel or an non-ficton book, writing in a journal, or the variety of activities we choose to do for or with family and friends can be more of a cooperative rather than competitive nature, enriching rather than draining a person. The Greeks gave us the marathon, but, as was pointed out, they also used the word Kairos, which some use to mean "moments of grace." As I travel down the road of life, I hove found it more enriching to meet my fellow travelers, rather than trying to get ahead of them. Unless the rains block the road again, Big Sur will be there to experience in many ways.
4
“Bucket list” goals have always struck me as absurd, somehow connected to ego and the impulse to impress others beyond the desire to improve one’s self. Try cycling or walking, and don’t make a public spectacle out it. Fresh air and exercise do not need parameters and structure in order to reap the benefits.
27
That's why I don't do bucket lists. I don't care about impressing other people. I do a No Regret list. I ask myself what will I regret not doing in 10 years? And those things go on my list. They're usually a lot simpler and more "homey", concerned more with relationships and smelling those cliched roses than big, grand gestures. :)
18
I love this! Bucket lists have always felt artificial to me, but "no regrets"? I can completely get on board with that, thank you so much for sharing this powerful idea.
10
I ove this idea! (shuffles off to revamp her Bucket list.)
3
I understand comments about her privilege, but she offers advice to everyone, regardless of status.
Prime example: Unplug from your phone. Years I ago stopped talking while on the street, standing in line; I limit online time (I'm tech-free on Sundays). Result? I'm calmer and more present. Better employee and friend. My creativity, both with my photography hobby and my job, has soared from resting my brain (away from blue light effect). Before you think you're not on the phone a lot, research shows people are way more than they think, including to the point that some spouses feel like the phone is a "third spouse." Watch people at dinner - they're on their phones. Research shows this impedes intimacy, whether spouse or friend.
I live in a gentrifying area with a transitional living shelter on my block; I see shelter residents on the street glued to phones. I see people on the subway with their kids glued to a game on their phones (don't get me started on the effect of being online non-stop for kids, terrible for brain development and developing social skills).
Other benefits? Better overall health. Better posture. Better breathing. Adults and kids are developing hunchbacks from being bent over on the phone which makes breathing shallow which contributes to anxiety.
So yes, anyone with a phone can benefit from her input. It's all about becoming more present to life.
36
A successful life, by my definition, is the maximum collection of good experiences and memories. If you thrive on challenge and conquest (and DON'T hurt others as you proceed), have a party. If you want to lay about and listen to the wind (without being a parasite on society), go for it.
"Success", and how to achieve it, cannot be covered in a self-help book. It's too individual.
15
"A successful life, by my definition, is the maximum collection of good experiences and memories."
Only the memories of others of the dead person have any meaning. The memories of a dead person have NO meaning.
1
By then, I'm dead, and my caring drops precipitously. I submit it's hard to have good experiences and memories without inducing them in others, unless you act as a sociopath.
Sometimes the best option is to do less, not more.
26
Perhaps it's just the mood I woke up with this morning, but reading about someone who has ALL the advantages of life - including a stay at home husband for the twins - really bugged me. So I leaned out and quit reading.
149
I quit running about 28 years ago after a repair of a torn meniscus and started walking, as suggested by my surgeon. That blossomed into Nordic-walking, eventually for distance. Weather permitting, I average 20-30 miles a week and my annual highlight is Dana-Farber's Boston Marathon Jimmy Fund Walk each September -- the whole 26.2 miles -- which I complete in a little over 7 hours.
I also do Project Bread's Walk for Hunger (May 6th this year) for which I organize a team. I do the whole 20 but it's more of a promenade than an endurance as I have teammates to consider....
Learning to 'quit' running ultimately prepared me to leave a toxic work environment.
18
For me, this is something I learned which trascends sports; for that matter, it applies to one of the most important things I have learned in my life: "When to say no".
I learned this (as many people have, I am sure) when I bootstrapped a business in lower Manhattan almost 30 years ago. I had no money, and borrowed $10,000 with a loan (which had to be cosigned by my father), as I come from a pretty poor family.
I learned this very early on In my business. It flourished and grew from 2 people to 2 dozen employees. It also grew from grossing $300,000 per annum, to grossing $3,000,000 per annum.
I now have learned it transcends all forms of my life.
5
I don't know if my point of view makes sense here but I would still venture to voice it. If the pause comes because of internal constraints, rider can still get back on the horse but if the pause comes because of some disillusionment, a different battle begins.
15
Having had the experience of 'time out' forced upon me by a cross country move, and having lived through a series of job losses by my spouse, I think I know what you are getting at. When your move out of 'responsible adult wage earner/spouse/friend" roles because of a decision made by others. the lack of autonomy and the reality that decisions of others can cause dramatic changes in your worldview, finances, etc. is not nearly so empowering and enlightening.
And if you are over 40 you are considered 'old' when trying to get back into the world of work.
1
It is enlightening in some sense. At least, nobody can make us feel guilty by saying that you are not striving to work for humanity since nobody is. By working for human causes, God knows how many big feet you will end up trampling, so we live our lives responsibly leaving the world to its own devices.
One can become addicted to strenuous exercise and the brain misses the "high" but it's not so rigid that it would rather have severe pain. You may have stopped in time to avoid long term damage to your feet, knees, hips, lower back etc.
14
Learning to "just walk away" from intractable situations that cause physical, mental, or emotional pain is a gift not to be discounted.
109
Enjoyed your article. If and when you might return to running...it too is best with specific techniques. Check out Pose running and hopefully it will minimize stress on the body.
4
Nice article! I also got an injury while preparing for a marathon I never runned. As a result of dropping this, I complemented my life with coming back to swimming, started cycling and learning to play drums. I am much better now with myself now since then!
13
"Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life" by Richard Rohr provides an extended view on these issues.
13
l left my hard - earned promotion job to save my life. My babies also had turned into actual people and l cared about them most of all, in conflict with my expectation that l "must" fulfill my "responsibility" to my career. I left the position after 2 years literally sick from my psychic conflict - chronic migraines and low back pain, daily stomach upset and undiagnosed diabetes. l ate fast food and smoked cigarettes daily. After quitting, l slept for a year...all day while the kids were in school then all night. You are right that we must listen: to our bodies, to our self - talk, to our inner conflict.
71
oh my, first world 1 percent problem and solution. However, I am grateful for "ripeness" and "unripeness", for these are measurements even two job plus people like me can make use of. I love running across an idea just when I need it.
21
Some professions (clergy, academics) offer sabbaticals so people can refresh. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if most of us had that option! Instead we feel fortunate if we can take some kind of family leave, usually during a period of stress, and usually without full pay. As a manager, I always respected my staff taking occasional mental health days, which I took as well. Sometimes you just need to relieve the pressure.
We’d all be better off, more productive, have healthier families, and have more people employed if we reduced the work week to 32 hours. Instead we are headed towards more people working 60 hour weeks, robots taking over jobs, more outsourcing, and diminishing employment opportunities. The corporate world puts short-term profits over long-term success. They have lost any sense of responsibility to community and family (the next generation of employees).
108
As I read your piece, a thought kept nagging me: What has this woman really done for the world as a whole? And the answer, which I struggled to suppress, kept creeping back in: Nothing, really. Frankly, I found your essay mostly a love-fest about yourself, one of the most self-obsessed and narcissistic articles I have read recently. Well, you can change that now. Now your have time to enter the world and really understand it. You have time to see how, increasingly, a good share of the world, including many Americans, are living lives that are, indeed, nasty, brutish and short. Maybe now you can really help others in some more productive and selfless way. Once you've done that, write us back and tell us what you learned. THAT would be truly interesting.
84
Well, for one she's written books and articles and given many talks that influentially encourage companies and their managers toward more sustainable, ethical practices.
She's also been an activist with civil rights and social action, and served on numerous boards of non-profits pushing for positive, ethical social change.
She's also served as an instructor and scholar at the university level.
And she's raising two twins, that if done well, can also grow up to be influential positive change agents like their mom.
That's more than most of us, and more than I and likely you have accomplished.
Really David, what more is needed before one can write a useful thought piece about the importance of stepping away from goals, taking a break, and re-assessing what we spend our short time on earth doing (however privileged that may be, which she forthrightly acknowledges).
215
You are very judgemental. Perhaps you are jealous?
2
And have you asked and answered for yourself what have you “done for the world” before you put that requirement and responsibility on her? She has worked in corporate responsibility for a decade and a half for one, and wrote this piece about the importance of slowing down and reflecting that overachievers frequently deny themselves, so there is that..and you, what have you done?
3
What self-indulgent, rich-kid twaddle.
Most people have to work. How about what to do when you can't afford to quit? What about some new-age principles and philosophical retreads for people who can't afford domestic help, be it a spouse or otherwise?
83
Hey, you take a break or a break takes you.
Just a thought: Big Sur has shorter events that happen at the same time as the marathon. I did the 10.6 mile distance a few years ago, and friends of mine did the 5K. I have no idea if the organizers would let you change events, but if your knee is up for it and it's something you want to do, it might be worth asking. Good for you for thinking hard about what deserves your one and only life!
8
I saw her piece as broader than you did. It wasn't about quitting work, it was about the value and permission to quit something when your soul is not in it and you have the ability to do so. That may be true for only some people's jobs or careers, but the message is as relevant to all of us in all kinds of spheres: should we take that promotion or not, should we join or not join a project (even if its good for our career or pocketbook), should continue certain friendships or hobbies. And so on. Our culture is obsessed with goals, moving ahead, and persistence. Very many of us get trapped by our 'shoulds' which are often far far more optional than we realize they are. There is huge value in considering the alternatives.
127
Oh....clearer now: San is her husband....
2
Thank you -- this was how I read the article too. And I have to say I'm disappointed (but not surprised) in all the snarky "white privilege" comments. Can we not appreciate what's being shared here and leave it at that?
But - why tell me?
Oh, of course. You've written a book.
It's always at the bottom.
Do what you do - and be still.
24
So, in contrast to the ridiculous article last week about why women 'don't quit" --- i guess they do.
27
Clearly so many of the respondents don’t get it. They are the parents pushing their kids not “to be a quitter” when they barely have time to eat or sleep. That was the mantra I heard from fellow parents when raising our kids. To allow yourself time to dream, to process emotions isn’t white privileged or any privilege at all. It’s the definition of being human.
63
Excellent and timely article that addresses an issue not faced by many people but enough to be important to those who have it and/or will face it at some point in their lives: Is the goal of life (and definition of success) to achieve for achievement's sake or is achievement finite? In other words, when is enough enough? I think that "enough" can be defined by each individual on a purely subjective basis. I have done that several times in the past, and, every time I had reached my own definition of "enough" for any activity whether work, personal, sports, I quit and moved on to something else.
17
Full disclosure - I know the author - and I know she is well aware of the privileged position she had in order to to leave her job. The point she is trying to make, I think, is that we as a society are taught to go and go, push harder and faster, to fake it till you make it, etc. Yes, it may be a luxury for some to be able to say no, but wouldn't it be great if we as a society recognized the value of slowing down, just a little, and taking time to recharge? Thanks Christine and I'm sure you'll enjoy the beauty of Big Sur even if you aren't running!
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I don't know the author. But I know where she lives because I live there too. Although she has chosen to defer the well paying sweat-shop known as Amazon, it is blatantly clear that is is another sad attempt by another transplanted white Seattleite to justify their perch or "extra" time to raise kids......out of touch can't even describe the vomit written here. A lot of us have kids, and take months or years away from generating any income. Join the club, stop whining.
Ben Franklin once said "speak little, do much." I see an author speaking a lot about justifying privilege and doing little to mitigate it. But maybe this is why she was provided access to write this garbage in the first place?
8
Yeah, it would be great. Unfortunately it is not going to happen and to write about her priviledge to do so is sickening. We have families with food securities and a government wanting to take away SNAP funding. What she is able to do is pipe dreaming for the underpriviledge underpriviledge TalkPoverty.org
No matter how busy people are, everyone could volunteer 1 hour a week of service in their community.
7
You are so utterly, completely wrong. (Or is your post meant to be ironic?)
Once again, @ChristineBader inspires me with the power of a seeker's very public, authentic vulnerability.
9
What's the difference between the before and after.
Nothing.
10
Must be nice to walk away from a well paying job w/o wondering how you'll pay your bills, buy groceries, etc. First world problems.
173
Throughout history and throughout the world traditional societies have incorporated cycles of rest and activity. How it is accomplished varies, especially now, but the process - and need - is invariant of the specific implementations. This account simply uses one example from one particular context to illustrate the deep fact that the cycle is fundamental and needs to be addressed in today's world.
1
It strikes me that this is a pure example of what "white privilege" really looks like: Step out of the rat race just because you want time to reflect, knowing that you can step back in whenever you feel like it. As the cherry on top, publish an essay full of self-aggrandizing explanations of how your behavior is not just time off, but something deeply meaningful -- to be read, of course, by people who have no such option to quit -- not if they want to pay the rent and put food on the table, much less advance their careers.
231
Her choice is NOT "white privilege," rather it is economic realities. I am not white, but three years ago I quit a high paying job, moved to a state with a lower cost of living and work part-time. I know not everyone can do it, but for those of us who can it is freeing. Keep in mind you never know how someone has reached the economic stability that allows it -- don't assume its inherited or a wealthy spouse. I was able to make the change because I lost someone dear to me. I'd rather have him back and be working full time.
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Is there something wrong, as a woman, to work very hard to get somewhere, and then have set up such a life, where one does have that option to press pause? do not put this woman/writer/mother/runner/thinker down. put your self in a position where you do have the power.. examples may be: don't have children, go to school (and, yep, you will have loans, but they are manageable), leave bad relationships, think outside every box set before you, be strong and smart etc etc.. and what exactly is white and what exactly is privilege these days anyway,, kind of an ancient term, that may have no relevance..
17
No, this is "upper class privilege". There are plenty of poor and working class folks that happen to be white that can't do this. Forgetting about them is why we're stuck with Trump.
21
If the author is staying home with twins she is certainly not "doing very little."
Mothering is among the most important, albeit undervalued, work we can do.
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I have twins, another daughter - all under four. I also have 3 advanced degrees, and I am an ESL director in a public system. I would love time to reflect, but who would put food on the table to feed those little mouths? I was turned off by this essay. I am privileged in many ways, but I have a job I have to show up for - could not related to Christine’s ultra privileged life.
7
Honestly, in todays society it takes a brave person to quit.
53
I think a lot of us who are older are facing the issue of when we should quit working. Most of us don't have a ton of money, so that's an issue too. But learning to sit back and figure out when it's time to move on is a skill many of us have not mastered. And I'm sure the young would appreciate it if more of us elders would decide to at least step back and let them have our high powered jobs. There's plenty else out there to do!
38
Many of us get stuck, because we are in management jobs where we have to continue full steam ahead or quit altogether. And, we don’t have the luxury of time to prepare for retirement. Maybe someday it will become possible for more people to taper off gradually, Right now, the financial disincentives and need for most companies to extract every bit of energy from every employee work against any change in the traditional employment model.
10
You do not need to be “trapped” in a corporate management job. I worked my way up into middle management and realized what a soul sucking place the corporate world was. Fortunately, I never spent like my counterparts, with nice homes to furnish, or buying a new Euro/Japanese aspirational-brand car with each promotion. I married a spouse who also had simple tastes and didn’t spend big. We lived in a small ranch home in a working class neighborhood and saved our generous incomes. With our choices in our 20’s and 30’s we were able to make a career/life change at 40. I can now block out my schedule to come home to make dinner for my family and see my children’s sports/ music events. I have 13 year old cars and have never been happier with life. I am able to appreciate the people and experiences in my life rather than “things “.
3
Being an overachiever is a state of mind and regardless of what challenge is left behind, there is always another one looming ahead for the person always needing to prove themselves. Being angry and jealous demonstrates that the core issue remains even though the task was forsaken. Rest isn't a cure because the need to draw significance from our accomplishments is a hard taskmaster and it will wait you out, knowing how badly you depend on it.
14
Yes, many a writer has an element of overachieving compulsion and unhealthy self-regard motivating their work and need to be recognized on a wider field of public notoriety.
I enjoyed this piece and not judging but as a fulltime working mother of 3, who spent decades doing laundry or freelance work between the hours of 10pm and 2am to stay ahead on life tasks and pay the bills, I wonder how one can have so much time to ruminate. I barely had time to think for the 20 years I was raising children and making a career without any hired help. Not being able to run a marathon is a big life issue? Obviously she's been lucky to not have to deal with real big life issues because then having to walk, instead of run, wouldn't have spurred this essay.
109
But you are judging. Everyone's life experiences are different. How do you know she has been lucky not to deal w/big life issues. This article might not be about that. Possible?
2
Judy, Your reply is so spot on and very well put. My thoughts exactly!
3
Judy, Have you ever considered that three children is likely one or two more than either you or Earth can afford?
4
There is some research criticizing the idea of "grit" and blindly sticking to impossible tasks. I find it odd, however, that (1) she got her dream Amazon job (2) she has a stay-at-home husband (3) she still needed to be at home all of the day to take care of her children even though her husband is already doing that. Something in this picture does not make sense. Doesn't anyone love their job beyond its financial usefulness? True her children become "wondrous compelling little people" but are not good jobs also "wondrous compelling little" assignments? Doesn't her job give her joy and fulfillment? If people don't love their jobs as much as their family members, should not they be in different jobs that they do love?
38
Love your job like your family members? Maybe if you are from a horrible family and have an unusually rewarding job, but for most of humanity past and present, that is a resounding "not even a comparison". Do not take my word for it, Barbara Bush, and others, have pointed out what they have learned about this.
The author's unnecessary "humble-brag" (the author of the article, not the "Cynthia, PhD" label) is somewhat annoying and highlights that her situation is not applicable to that many people. However, I applaud her for introducing the bold idea that saying "what I have is enough" can make life a whole lot better for all of us. It is also a nice contrast to the bitterness of another high achiever who did not know when to quit and cost all of us dearly a year and a half ago.
48
If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, it was the Electoral College that cost us dearly, and had we not had that to contend with, our world would be very different and a lot less frightening right now.
It's interesting to me that no one ever questions whether a man knows when to quit.
14
Dream jobs aren't all their cracked up to be. I got my dream salary but the job is sucking the life out of me. If I could do it like the author I would give it up today Especially if I had little kids. Most people I know do not work at something they love. It is merely a means to an end.
3
Beautifully articulated; appreciate that the writer nodded to the privilege of being able to make such choices. I am overcome with jealousy that she will be in Big Sur this weekend! Some of my most cherished memories with my then young family were created there; my kids were around the same age as hers are now. Enjoy.
19
In reality, as I aged, one by one by one a person realizes, it is smart to stop pursuing specific forms of exercise , as in you just can't do them any longer. How many millions used to be a so called jogger, and now walk for exercise? I admire more senior folks who still run etc. but it is not for everyone. Orthopedic surgeons who work with knee injuries , is a big big business, as are physicians who help folks with feet issues, or hip issues.
14
Thank you for this thoughtful piece. As a tiny example I used to feel obligated to finish books I started even if I didn't like them. Perhaps Christine one challenge you could take on with your background in social responsibility would be to help this country give "hibernation" time to those that cannot afford it, e.g. the working poor, people that care for their elderly parents or disabled or very ill children. Republicans mocked the "it takes a village" notion - but it does take a village, doesn't it? Unless of course you have a lot of money.
45
Or, more to the point, rally for working people in our country to have any time away from work at all, from sick leave to maternity/paternity leave.
55
Yes! Thank you.
1
Thank you for this wonderful piece. I am probably 25 years older than you are, and it has taken me to now to even permit myself to think about quitting. It is the hardest hardest thing, especially when the culture surrounding us barely even has a language for these choices. Hats off to you for your courage. Your children are lucky. While it is true that not everyone has these choices, when you do have the choice to deeply listen to yourself, it is a gift. I suggest you read "Maternal Desire: On Children, Love, and the Inner Life" by Daphne de Marneffe. Enjoy your day!
15
Congratulations on your courage to quit. I suspect your new found life will be filled with more meaningful accomplishments. Of course, it will also come with new challenges, but now you wil have more energy and wisdom with which to face those challenges. At least I think :)
19