He’s No Longer My Ex-Husband, He’s My Co-Grandparent

It would be difficult to refer to the ex-husband as a co-grandparent as he has never been a co-parent to our children. His resistance in assisting to raise two daughters was the position he maintained, consistently throughout their life. He was disengaged throughout their growing up years, as well as today. When one daughter was planning a vacation at age 19 to a dangerous location, I sought his help, and in seeking his support to "talk to her and help change her mind", he sent back an email saying he was "on vacation, himself, and did not want to be disturbed." He actually "blocked" any communication from me, the mother of his children. He remains, as a "distant uncle", with the occasional visit, once every two or three months, if convenient. It saddens me, as it has always, that we could not "co-parent", and despite our particular differences, remain devoted to the well-being of our children. But I have come to accept that it takes two people to cooperate and want to work together for the good of their children. You have to love your children, more than you "despise" your ex partner. And although I am totally willing and have always been willing to co parent and maintain the best possible life for my children, I have had to accept, there are some things I can not change.

My husband's parents split while we were in middle school. They got back together when we were out of high school: me college, him Navy. They got back to together shortly after he joined. He joined 1998. He thought they got back together cause he joined, he did not tell his family. Sadly son in Navy during 9-11, and an older brother eventually having 2 grandchildren he left again. Grandkids not keeping him around, unfortunately he was around enough for grandkids to miss him. Unfortunate his brother and wife had to come up with stupid excuses why he no longer comes by. We don't have kids, but we do almost anything allowable to show we're family and love them. Happy this family it changed things.

surgeon, real estate developer, political parties, I don't cook, all could have been left out - we get the picture.

Love the adaptive rename, co-grandparents in place of ex. This story highlights the importance on focusing on improving family outcomes beyond the date of the divorce.

It is a pity neither of my girls are likely to be parents, at least not any time soon for a variety of reasons. My ex is still angry after 15 years even when she should be happy because she chose to leave with for her new hubby. Insisted she would not attend my youngest daughters wedding if I was invited (so I chose not to, because I thought she should be there) If only parents behaved like Parents and not brats and served as an example rather than a warning. Well who knows, maybe one day.

funny, the birth of our grandson and the necessity of raising him for the first two years of his life brought some happiness and purpose to our lives. no one ever said marriage would be easy, but that kittle boy was our salvation , our second chance. thank you Lord, even tho' he's a sullen 16 yr. old teen now. oh well ...

What a beautiful piece! Flexibility, the ability tolerate delayed gratification, and self-regulation are all wonderful traits we all strive for in order to be healthy, resilient adults. As we age, we have the opportunity to let life teach us the importance of accepting imperfect situations we value while not getting caught up in unimportant matters. Dr. Taitz's parents clearly value their relationship with their children and grandchildren and are clear about their priorities.

I could not read after this line. Life is not in black and white and people are not defined by their political choices. "My mother, Jo, is a fiercely independent surgeon who voted for Hillary Clinton. My father, Emanuel, a real estate developer, has a tendency to take charge, and he cast his vote for Donald Trump"

"I don’t cook..." Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but how do you get through life without cooking? Maybe I'm not sure what the author means, but it's a basic life-skill. Perhaps her husband does the cooking, but...really?

Thank you for this wonderful story, Dr Taitz. Nice to read a positive story instead of the usual round of draining stories that fill our media. I wish you and your family all the best of happiness.

Although this would never work for me, I remember a time that both my parents, divorced for many years, came together to a musical performance of my son’s. I remember feelings of regret washed over me when I saw them together. This was the dispelled the next day when I asked my mom about this unexpected development and she responded that because my dad had a handicapped parking permit she did not have to walk with us the long way from the parking lot. I laughed, she smiled, and my dad, who would have married her all over again, looked happier that night than I’d seen him look in years.

you’re so lucky! my husband’s parents have been divorced for 40 years and still cannot be in the same room. we all have to choose who to invite to gatherings. our kids are teens now so co-grandparenting sadly did not happen. it probably doesn’t help grandad has been happily remarried for 30 years while grandmom has been alone and seems bitter and lonely. i needed to limit my kids’ exposure to all that bile. it’s a shame, i think if they could have overcome their differences the extended family would all be happier.

I wish my own grandparents had been able to find this kind of peace with one another. They split up when my sister and I were young, long after my father and his sisters had left home. My grandmother made a real effort to stay part of our lives, my grandfather less so. And when they were both in the same place (bat mitzvah, graduation etc.), it was especially hard. One of the last times I saw my grandfather before he died was at my younger sister's bat mitzvah. I had my learner's permit and drove (with my father) to the hotel where they were staying (separately) to drive them back to our house for dinner. My grandmother was on time and sat in the back seat. When my grandfather arrived, he said "who is that in the back seat?" and then wouldn't speak to my grandmother for the rest of the weekend. It was painful for all of us.

Wonderful piece. Have had the same experience, but from the grandparents' side. It's true that grandchildren can do amazing things--without even trying! Note to artist: possibly this is an accurate depiction of the writer's parents. However, not all grandparents look like they're (we're) from the 1950s!

Thank you for sharing- an uplifting story in an ever fraught world which seems to lack happy human moments.

What a love story! And a patience story too! I was delighted to read how your parents continued to change and grow throughout your lives. This story was a mechaya (ask your dad if you need to...!)

Lovely story. Thanks for posting. I know there are complaints about "too many human interest stories" in the Times. Sometimes they're the only good news I'll get all day, so keep 'em coming!

I love the term 'co-grandparent' and will mention it to my ex-husband when next I see him. We now meet fairly frequently at grandchildren events and both of us have re-married happily. We celebrated one granddaughter's birthday together without the parents and everyone had a good time. It was an acrimonious divorce 20 years ago, but time passes.

I love the term "co-grandparent", which emphasizes the positive. I get along very well with my husband's ex-wife, and I think of her as my step-kid's mother rather than my husband's ex. In fact, my advice for any step parents is to remember that your relationship to your step kids other parent is separate from your spouse's relationship to their ex (this is, of course, assuming that your status is not due to an affair). I had no reason to be annoyed with my husband's ex - I didn't divorce her. She was part of the package that I got when I married my husband, and all sides worked hard in the beginning to be respectful. This spilled over to include me being included in my step kids' holiday events with their mother's family (the only ones who were local) so that the kids didn't have to decide between their mom or their dad. This paid off when my husband and I had a child, and even more so now that there are grandchildren in the mix. Bottom line - respect for the other parent takes precedence over any petty disagreements.

I wish my mother could pivot, but after being divorced longer than being married & having grandchildren in their teens & 20s, she's still openly bitter & angry & will call my dad pretty vile names...in front of the grandchildren. Fortunately we live six hours away & so minimize contact.

I enjoyed reading this article! Insightful, informative, and a beautiful ending. I hope all divorced couples can learn to come together for the sake of their children and grandchildren, although not always easy. A saying that comes to mind is "time heals."

if only.....I could only wish that was my case. So much animosity between my parents. And when it came to my turn, my X was not there as a parent and doesn't even know he is a grandparent. It was nice to read though....

Your Ex is your coparent, as is anyone caring for your child more than 3 hours a day.

Sweet ending. You - and your husband - have clearly had a role in creating this outcome, by being able to accept your parents as they are, and allowing them to grow into their new roles. You've managed to preserve a strong sense of family for your children to hold onto.

My best friend (BF) and his wife divorced over 20 years ago. The divorce was initiated by him and very acrimonious. To be fair they have always maintained a united front on their three sons and reassured them many times they were not the cause. Furthermore my BF spent/spends quality time with each son and now their children. I accompany him on weekly visits and have told him to prioritize visits with his grandchildren. He and his ex-wife are cordial to each other in public and in front of their children/grandchildren. As in a divorce just because you're no longer man and wife doesn't mean you stop being parents/grandparents.

Thanks for sharing this nice story! My parents, who are as different as night and day, divorced when I was in grade school and I spent my childhood/young adult years flying between states for summers and holidays. My parents are hardly in contact some 30 years later. I think the last time they met was nearly 20 years ago at my high school graduation. While life moves on, it's encouraging to read about the possibility of grandchildren reuniting people. I hope this would be the case for us one day.

When family members who can’t stand each other are very consciously on their best behavior in front of others for the good of the family, the situation can feel as if it’s one wrong word away from an epic flare-up. So, if you’re the family “facilitator” who brought them together, it’s your job to anticipate or extinguish the combustible.

Very nice....next thing you know Jo and Emanuel will be taking a cruise together.

The whole family is better off when split couples find a way to get past the split. I was bitter when divorce hit us. But we are both dedicated parents, and divorced people with children have to understand that anything that hurts a parent also hurts the children. In my mind that connection is irrefutable. So even though I was a bitter and angry divorcee, I did realize that it was on me to get over the bitterness. It's been nearly 20 years now, and my ex and I get along great - as long as the boundaries are respected. Our kids are our testament to finding a way to get along: good people that did well in school and are both college graduates. My kids will have their own children in the coming years. And I'm looking forward to cograndparenting

I think it's lovely that your parents get along. No mention of new spouses or significant others. I feel like with my in laws the biggest source of stress is my Father in Law's new girlfriend / partner. She's mostly fine, but she's obviously not as invested as my Mother in Law in the grandkid and my Father in Law appears to follower her lead, which is totally fine. I agree Jennifer, I think your parents are great!