Great article. Just read a few comments and could relate to many of them. It's just so darn hard being talked to like I'm an idiot. It's always such a roller coaster, one minute all is well and were laughing and talking, then the next minute, I'm talked to like I'm the biggest looser. I know it's a phase, but didn't find it this hard with my first daughter, two totally different individuals. It's really hard, i feel like I lost my job of mothering after 14 or so years of being a mother.
5
The best thing parents can do when they sense their teenagers are becoming allergic to them is back off.
2
I appreciated this article as it mirrored the experience I had when my adult children were teens. I enjoyed and supported them in establishing independence. I agreed with the mom who said "you can speak your mind but you can't be mean"--that was our policy.
My son initiated a code in middle school to replace "I love you" publicly spoken and said I had to say "How 'bout them Padres (the local ball team)?" My kids are in their 30's now and we all enjoy hanging out with each other and I still enjoy watching them learn the things common to their stage in life and put their spin and interpretation on it. I find I learn and grow from it.
3
When our kids were teenagers and going out on Friday night, we started playing bridge with our friends who had a daughter about the same age. I have an outline for a book entitled “How I Bridged the Teenage Years,” with chapters such as “How to Finesse.” It was never completed, but would have contained incidents and adventures that occurred during that time. We still play, 25 plus years later, though not regularly, and there are still discussions and laughter as they have grown and have children of their own.
1
This article might ring true for Western people, but it will never apply to Asians. Tiger moms will never let go of their children and will never let them have their own identity. Somehow, every little thing a son/daughter does will reflect on them, even if they are full grown adults. It is maddening.
5
Funny and apt article! Allergy is one way to put it. I’ve described it as the onset of Parental Stupidity starting in a child’s tweens, intensifying and peaking in their mid-to-late teens, after which your stupidity slowly starts to abate. By your kid’s mid-twenties you should be restored nearly to complete intelligence—though alas, never again to that pedestal of adoration you may once have occupied until they reached double digits...
7
Thank you for this. It the outright lack of any conversation and courtesy that bothers me. The lack of saying hello, how was your day when they used to say so much more. In elementary school they couldnt stop talking to you and now yo have to hope for 5 minutes of dialogue--and then your "stupid"
My wife says keep disengaging but he then seems to only move further away
advise?
8
Your wife is right. Back off and be patient. This too shall pass.
(Advice from a grandma,)
3
When my daughters were approaching their teens, I did some reading and some thinking, and concluded that the reason mothers and daughters have a difficult relationship is often that the mothers are enforcers of societal norms. Like sheepdogs, we nip at the heels of our wayward lambs. Or more to the point, we criticize young women’s independent thinking, open-mouthed laughing, crude bold language, piercings, revealing or obscuring sartorial choices, inappropriate mates and new-to-us mating rituals.
And shame on us— or rather, let’s drop the shame, and forgive our mothers, our grandmothers, and ourselves, and open up our daughters’ cages.
I don’t judge my daughters. They are young adults now, and every day I’m startled by their unique brilliance. They are beautiful, free, weird, hilarious, strong people.
My advice: when they’re obnoxious teens, don’t react the way you’ve been conditioned to react. If you find yourself even slightly worrying about what people will think, stop yourself and breathe it out. Laugh with them every day — even if only by watching The Office together. Keep them safe, intrude when your instinct (or proof) tells you they need you, but consider treating them like people you like a lot. With respect, curiosity, an open mind.
And when you have the sex talk, don’t forget to talk about how great it is.
18
None of the teenage distancing and rebellion described here is inevitable. It didn't happen in the household I was raised in, and it didn't happen with our own children. Give emerging adults some independence, a path for growth, real work to do, and the rewards that come with and you may find that the path from childhood to adulthood is a blessing and opportunity for development and growth, and a healthy mix of mutual dependence and independence, for child and parent alike.
10
As the parent of a 13-year-old daughter, I'm left to wonder how any of us survived to 14.
9
Feel free to do the opposite of what this excellent article suggests and you can find yourself with the child who will end up needing that front page article on how to deal with Tiger Parents who view assertions of independence as a threat to them.
2
Please note, that this phenomenon is culture specific, and doesnt occur in this form in most of the world, but mostly in western middle class environments. This article generalized and normalizes an allergy, clearly a symptom of a health problem, and tells us to live with it. In many situations, also in the US, being well integrated in the family is young people's best bet to succeed in life. And why would an emotionally healthy young person want to hurt their well-meaning parents over something like the style of their shoes? Perspective is everything.
9
Because emotionally healthy American parents aren’t threatened by this normal stage of development and don’t even get hurt by their children’s desire for independence.
1
“Go out for coffee with friends whose teenagers also look at them askance and reassure your wife that she’s still got it, even if her dance moves do cause your ninth-grade daughter to break out in hives.” Yes, I’d need to be reassured that I still “have it.” How patronizing. Disappointing.
6
every parent should get a copy of this article when their child graduates from elementary school...
The photo is cringe worthy for teenagers and many other parents, obviating the need to read the report.
1
Definitely a real stage of development, but we found that while there was some distancing between my son and his parents, his displays of love and affection never wavered. Throughout his teen years, he continued to say "I love you" whenever we parted and even in front of his friends. Including his male friends! A good article, but it's important to be aware that this developmental epoch is not same for each child and family.
3
Adolescence at times seems to be about defeating whatever parenting strategy you might implement. One can only choose between bad and worse, when it comes to dealing with the most outrageous teenager behavior. My early teen daughter will from moment to moment switch from, "I hate you! I want to kill you!" to "Love you, Dad!" with apparent utmost sincerity. I find these mood gyrations are extremely jarring and bewildering even though I recognize they
are "normal" teenage behavior. Much of the time adolescence seems to be something to be survived by a parent, not managed or even coped with successfully.
Additionally, one must be wary of those who want to pathologize these kinds of mood and behavioral anomalies as "bipolar disorder" and those who are so intent upon normalizing them that they overlook subtle signs of a nascent psychological and/or medical disorder. Alas, parenting is a job most of us are
vastly underqualified for, even though mother nature seems to have accepted all or our job applications.
8
Even in step parenting, babysitting or bus driving does having a working knowledge of the fact that teens become suddenly weirded out by viewing adults as awkward do we know that the truth is, they are the awkward ones stuck in a stage of the emotional twilight zone. Knowing that it is a "stage" would be foolish to treat it as otherwise but the advice in this article is very helpful in not letting it "get" to you. As well as not letting disrespectfulness be confused with the right to be awkward. It is good to be uncomfortable but not right to be rude. There is no reason to give up your authority in the household over to a bad attitude.
4
My son once asked me if I took a class in how to embarrass kids. I told him, "Honey, I TEACH those classes! I am a world-renowned expert and much sought-after as a consultant!" Of course you will embarrass your kids. That's your job. Have fun with it!
9
This article was so helpful for me as I continue to feel sad that my daughter of 20 hardly communicates with me. I truly cannot say why she is allergic to me and I don’t think she can either. We were very close when she was young , I have not spent any time alone with her in a couple of years. She is a “ late bloomer” as I was, and her need to separate does feel Like a normal
Teenage attitude, but I am hoping the tide turns soon as I miss her. It’s hard to be around my friends sometimes who all
Seem to spend time with or at least communicate with their daughters frequently. I wait, and I am very careful to not pressure her. She is doing a good job leading her life , she just doesn’t seem to need any contact with me. It’s different than what I expected. That’s life I guess !
12
Many years ago during a conversation about parenting, my mom said, in her very prescient way, "I love you dearly and you have many talents, but you're much too self-involved to have kids. Parents have to give and give, trusting that someday their kids will find their way and give all that love back to them and others." She was right on both counts: I never had nor wanted kids and I wish more than anything that she were still with us so that I could continue to love her as much as she did her kids.
10
Wow, I needed to read this. After bitter court battles, child support, and emotionally charged exchanges with the mother of our child. At the age of 19, she wanted to come live with me and my wife. She said her mom was "crazy." After a year with me, she has basically dropped out of Junior college, gotten herself a minimum-wage job and moved in with a boyfriend who still lives with his parents. I failed to mention that I had been in her life. I had visitations sine she was 2 years of age so I was not a stranger. Over the course of that year with me, I watched her hatred for my essence grow. It eventually got to the point where when she wasn't at work, she stayed upstairs in her room, only communicating by text. One day, I came home and she had moved out and into her current boyfriend's room with his mother. I know about this leaving he nest phase. I went through it myself, just not as abrupt (I joined the military). We haven't spoken. I've tried to reach out. It hurts but I know time heals all wounds. Thanks for the article.
4
Great article! My montra is "we give them life, we are not there life". This phase of parenting, I find to be the most challenging. Being careful to offer guidance and support, without getting my feelings hurt. With the exspence of life today it's important to learn how to coexist. Creating a intergeneratinal relattioship, knowing that these teens may be home till there late twenty's.. Remember to take your allergy medicine folks.
~M
2
My children and I belonged to a Mutual Allergan Society during their teenage years. Seriously, now that my kids are all in their 30s, I look back and am grateful that, while sometimes it felt like we were constantly doing battle, it wasn't permanently damaging to the relationship I now enjoy with each of them. They didn't seem to have the same kind of strife with their father and I did not resent that, as I recognized it was best for all of us that his more laid back style lent a modicum of peace to our household.
1
Outstanding article, and surprise, I just ordered the book about a month ago, my next read ! My parents, unfortunately, lived their lives through their kids and did not allow separation. Great fights. Joyless teen years. They were even sour, when I was in my 30's, that none of their kids had given them grandchildren, jointly saying we all owed them that. That was their sole focus as we aged. Eventually, they got them, but such control, done by meanness, guilt and abusive behavior, left no chance for my being able to relate well to them.
6
Thanks for the article. My son's allergy to me was mild, but my daughter's is full on, started two years ago and shows no signs of abating. I watched Lady Bird the other day and thought, wow, whoever wrote the script knows us! I advise the film to anyone raising a girl -- especially one with a strong personality. I cried my eyes out even though much of it was meant to be funny, but it was cathartic. I'm now trying to figure out what the boundaries are and realizing it's not just her that's struggling to break away, but me struggling to find a way to let go -- so, so hard.
25
Never have an argument (or a discussion that may provoke one) with a teen until after they have eaten a meal. If you must have a discussion during dinner, at least wait until some of the food has reached their stomach.
27
I am in the midst of my 4th teen age allergy season. The first 3 were varying degrees of severity and this last one can be downright dreadful. However important this phase is, it is still difficult and painful to be so powerfully dismissed. My teen is of the "grunt and grumble" sort and not the "slam doors and emote" sort. I'm not sure which is worse but having had both kinds, I'm glad to be going through the last allergy season.
7
I think it would be helpful to distinguish between the experiences of raising a teenage daughter, vs. a teenage son. They are so very different.
13
It's not always so simple. Our son was, in late adolescence, developing mental health issues. We attributed his distancing, his growing aversion to intimacy, as a bid towards independence and respected it. He was a high performer academically and athletically, so we gave him space. In hindsight his behavior, while difficult to distinguish from what is described in this article, was in fact emerging persistent depression and alexithymia. He came home after a year of college several years ago, still lives with us, and continues struggling to regain his footing. As an adolescent he distanced himself but, as a young man, has not yet been able to return.
How do you know when you should be hands off and when you should intervene? Mental health issues often emerge towards the end of adolescence and into young adulthood. Kids need their parents to understand them and be involved, if for no other reason than for the perspective that parents can bring and their ability to spot trouble. Though, having said that, we didn’t see what was going on with our son until the problem was entrenched. Sure, give them some space, but also keep an eye on your kids (trust, but verify!). One way that this can be important is filling out the necessary forms at their college so that you can check in on their academic standing and grades…
30
Withdrawal and irritability/hostility are symptoms of depression and other mental illnesses. A teen with troubling behavior should be evaluated by a professional who knows how to recognize depression, ADHD, and (most importantly) the earliest emergence of symptoms that precede a full psychotic break (i.e. schizophrenia). Use of cannabis and street drugs can trigger mental illness to onset up to five years earlier than it otherwise might have (see studies in Scandinavia and Israel where medical records are available for the entire population). Anxiety and depression usually precede overt psychosis in the development of schizophrenia, which onsets during late teens/early twenties (a bit later in females) and is exacerbated by stress. Early treatment can provide great relief and prevent further decline.
6
Beautiful and compassionate article.
16
As I recall from undergraduate anthropology, this aversion has an even deeper biological basis than protecting your "brand." And it's no surprise that it starts with the onset of puberty. It's a deterrent to incense.
8
I figured out you meant incest.
3
Incense - yeah that stuff stinks and is a fire hazard.
1
Needless to say that deterrent should be "incest," not incense.
2
My allergy to my own mother didn't start until I was in my early 20's, and at 52, I'm still allergic. It started when I was in college, and my mother didn't want to let me become an individual and separate from her. She still has no understanding of why our relationship went south, still wonders why I'm not like I used to be (She voiced this recently in a letter). I have my own kids now, two teenagers, and I am cognizant of this dynamic, and make a point not to take their allergies to me personally. My 15 year old daughter and I have a great relationship, but I don't want to make the mistake of becoming best friends with her, as my mother tried to do with me. My 17 year old son will be going to college in the fall, and I'm looking forward to him growing into an self-sufficient adult. One of my parenting goals has been to not reflexively pass down my own damaged relationships to them. So far, so good.
30
Sorry you're still allergic Raf. I'm 50 and my parents are past their mid 70's now... I've spent enough time being "allergic" to my mother too, as there was a lot of negative bullying aspects actually to my entire immediate family which set me up for a lot of bullying through school and 2 failed marriages as a result. Not to remain a victim nor telling this story to cause anyone else to feel my victimization is still debilitation as I can assure that it no longer is but rather a fact that I'm stating has brought certain things throughout my life as a reality. I can't remain allergic to them any longer as we are all nearing the finish line. My parents mortality is on their grandchildrens minds now as they need more help doing normal daily activities. I now let mom do most of the talking and I do a lot more listening than ever and if I want to speak kind of chuckle when she gets aggravated that she didn't get to finish her 15 minute long thought process. I just let it go. I'm not going to have her much longer and my entire family lives 800+ miles away from me in another country. I've had to grow up about this regardless of whether they do or not. Forgiveness has been healing and the one thing that turns a survivor into a victor, conquering the past that revisits in other ways. I have this time around married the best person I could ever have and is a kind soul with no abuse on his mind. I'm living proof it can be done.
6
When I get most annoyed, I think back. And I have to be honest, I did all the things my daughter is doing.
19
Hah my son is definitely allergic to me ... except when he's not. Then he talks my ear off, wants me to cook for him, take him shopping and to get his hair cut, etc. Feast or famine. I've learned something I wish I had learned earlier, which is to go with the flow. I agree kids should not be rude, but when my son needs space, I give it to him and do something else. When he needs me I try to be there for him. It works, most of the time.
63
And the parents in turn did the same with their parents and they did the same with theirs. It helps to know that the milestones can be safely accomplished while the family carries with love, kindness and affection.
14
Lets speak the truth. Even though all men come from other men, and they share common genes, it happens that the children might be very different from the parents on multiple levels. Someway we are all born with an X nature, some Y, W, Z. Values, consciousness, habits. The biggest failure of all educational systems is that they dont teach humans they are naturally alone and have to be trained for that. Kids who grow with adults forget they will one day be alone. They dont forget, actually they are not told that. But they should be. If we imitated nature, the world today would be less violent. Birds teach their offspring how to fly. We dont teach ours how to live. I have big conflicts with my parents. I dislike their habits, traits, manners. I am 27yo, they are 71yo and 55yo. I work and help them financially. But it is such a struggle to live under the same ceiling. I am estranged from my only brother. I blame this situation for my poor mental health. I could leave home but they would perish, so I stay. Every man should be pushed to independence and individual life.
7
You're a man, too old to live with your parents. Maybe you could move out but live nearby...you do so much for them already, but you need to breathe. I'm guessing that your parents are traditional and you, being exposed to a more worldly culture are also aware that young adults in other countries, particularly the US, are used to more breathing room. You sound so loving and respectful, but this is a cultural clash that will not resolve easily. Maybe a therapist could help you and your parents reach an accommodation. This isn't an advice column, Fernando, but I hope this helps. 27 is a young adult, you have time to grow and time to teach your parents that you can love them and they, you, at a bit of a remove. Good luck.
13
What a fascinating article. You know, my dog is going through the same thing. Do you have any advice?
10
Erma Bombeck once hilariously wrote that her teenage son was "embarrassed that I exist." I chuckled over that comment throughout my kids' adolescence.
28
We tell our children regularly we respect and appreciate them. We're not perfect and make mistakes, and they know that. We make room to listen to them and their concerns and successes. We adjust when appropriate. We tolerate swagger, but not attitude. We have expectations of them. They at times are annoyed by us, but can be annoying themselves...or vice versa. We make connection every day and insist on discussion of difficult issues. They understand we don't want to talk about sex, pornography, drugs, etc. as much as they don't want to hear about it from us, but we do it and they understand why. Because we love them, we want the best for them, we want them to be successful and happy people.
Our children know where the security, stability, love, respect, support and appreciation is. We are by no means perfect parents, but we try damn hard to be loving and respectful ones. They know we have and will always have their backs...well not always. Actions have consequences (for most of us) and they must know that.
But, some decisions require us to suffer the consequences of our actions. I hope and strive to the best of my ability to assure as best I can my children will make good and positive decisions that move them toward whatever goals they set for themselves; that they find purpose.
13
Not all parents are benign, as we can see sadly every day in the news. Perhaps evolution has programmed the adolescent brain so that once kids reach an age where they have some possibility of surviving on their own, they gain the mental ability to detach from parents. That would give them a chance to reject and abandon an environment that could be debilitating and toxic.
20
But then there are the times when you take the kids and their friends out to eat, and they all protest when you try to sit away from them. #reversepsych
13
It is amazing how much smarter your parents become once you grow out of teenagerdom.
11
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." --usually attributed to Mark Twain, but not certain.
39
Haha. I’m going through this with 2 young men right now—18 & 20. I
Miss them sometimes but am so proud of who they have become.
1
Nonsense. You are neglecting the fact that this parent allergy is culturally bound. Teens in other cultures are not "allergic". Teens in our own country a few generations ago were not "allergic". Amish teens are not "allergic". And honestly, I don't think my teens are allergic to me. They publicly tell me they love me when I drop them off for school. They might tease me when I start singing in the middle of Target; but they're just as likely to start singing too. My relationship with my 13yo and 16yo girls is marked by deep respect, not the "allergy" that I see around me.
Our society teaches children to trust their peers more than their parents. Books and television show parents and other adults to be fools or duplicitous or simply absent. Kids in these stories find that they and their peers are the only figures they can count on. Our children absorb that message and take it out into the real world.
We obsess with forcing kids to treat adults as authority figures instead of members of a cooperative society, and reinforce this through punishments to keep kids in their place. Is it any wonder kids hide things from adults when adults have proven themselves to be people they can't trust?
Once you've broken those bonds of trust and established the "us vs. them" structure, kids no longer have any reason to respect and appreciate us.
Don't try to pin our social failures on "natural development". It doesn't have to be this way.
30
Also parents should know the symptoms of depression and seek professional help for an adolescent who isolates, seems unable to enjoy life, and whose demeanor is always irritable or hostile. Those are symptoms of depression.
16
It’s true that in many other countries, teens are not annoyed by their parents and maintain good relationships through the teen years.
8
Couldn’t agree more. Living in Abu Dhabi I certainly see the effects of our culture here, as well as eveidence of teenage push back against parental authority. But also families that come together every week—including their grown children! Multigenerational connectedness CAN be the norm as it is in so so many cultures and we as Americans have lost something very dear by devaluing that connectedness. I hope Many of the Americans who have retained their cultural norms will chime in!
3
"It’s no small task for teenagers to detach from those who have superintended nearly every aspect of their lives so far."
Well then, don't do that!
A child's separation from his/her parents starts SO much earlier than adolescence! It starts in toddlerhood, when the core developmental issues of autonomy and selfhood first emerge. Learn how to respond sensitively and respectfully in the early years -- how to establish a working trust and loving separateness; how to work WITH, not AGAINST -- and the teenage years will be much easier. I actually tell my clients with toddlers to "pay attention to what works well now because it may be the key to an easier time down the road."
My sons are both beyond college, still in their 20s but well established in their own lives. My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed their teenage years. We enjoyed all the years! We still enjoy them. (Another thing I say to parents is that the most precious gift they can give their children is the felt experience that they -- the parents -- genuinely enjoy just hanging out with them.)
Here is what my 28-year-old wrote to me on my last birthday: "I'm grateful to have been -- and continue to be -- shaped by you in so many ways. Thank you for being you, and for letting me figure out how to be me."
I feel so grateful that I understood the importance of respecting, honoring, and treasuring my sons' individuality and separateness from the get-go.
22
My parents were truly amazing. When I went off to college for my freshman year they knew absolutely nothing, and when I came home nine months later they knew practically everything!
22
My mother was a refugee. She endured horror and we shared few cultural reference points, such as even having a mother. As a teen long ago, I would have appreciated reading this article.
16
Yep, as my two boys run away at my very sight, I have one consolation--I am still married to an amazing woman. I appreciate this because it was not the case with my mother, who was widowed at a relatively young age. When I think back to my own self-centernedness, I cringe. If I could go back I would certainly undo some of my behavior during my parent-allergy years...but of course it does nothing to explain this to my kids!
10
I don’t really recognize this narrative too much. Yeah, my kids are changing but the whole thing is such a relief! They can take the subway, they can plan their own ‘play dates’, they can go to the corner store alone!
Okay, some things have changed — they seem to be wearing clothes that I was back in the eighties? But overall it’s a relief that they don’t need me as much. And they have such interesting things to say.
For us, maybe part of it is that I think all our personalities are better suited to adolescence. Neither my kids nor I liked arts n crafts, or extroverted noisy group work (the stuff of primary school),or even Santa (there was real fear of that stranger). But they love their high school subjects and the close friendships they have there. Both had severe learning disabilities, too, and they have overcome so much.
Sometimes I think teens create problems because they don’t have a role, so I give them chores and they know we are all part of one team. Every family is unique.
12
I'm not a parent, never have been. I have watched friends & their trials & tribulations with their own kids. I'm in the camp that says good parent or child's friend. Can't be both since being friends undermines your parental authority.
A story from my teenage years: I remember the day my mother, standing at the kitchen sink, told me she wasn't my friend, she was my parent. She had friends her own age, she said.
Still rings true for me.
10
I was a little bit disappointed in the lack of specificity & actionable advice ("neat") in this article but presumably there is a marketing component to sell a book ? In 2018 where the rubber meets the road of course is where and how to draw the line on "acceptable behavior"...conflicted and time constrained parents often dont have the zen and patience to do this carefully and Knapp this out ahead of time. What does the author thinks constitutes crossing the line in 2018 ? Swearing at parents ? I'm always shocked when I see how many "good" teenagers routinely (and get away at) swearing at their parents. Nothing has changed for millennia re the individuation process the authors describes ;what has changed is parents inability to draw that line , conflicted (typically but not always) working mothers living vicariously who are desperate to have their teen child as a "friend" (where doing that start ?) and teens ability to move the goalposts. Because they frequently "dis" their peers and resort at the drop of a hot to F bombs etc in their daily teen patois at school, this behavior crosses over to home and contaminates the interaction the author addresses. When I was growing up this would not only be considered unacceptable, subject to MEANINGFUL consequences ("do you feel me now ?"). Does the author think it's EVER acceptable to swear at parents (and of course vice versa), and if not, what are acceptable limits on consequences ?
4
I don’t know about 18 as being the year of departure but ....
You raise your children to leave you. You want them to grow, my 32 year old son finds me a nice person to be with, my 16 yr old still loves me but would rather be with his cohort of sophomores, he seems to have an objectivity about it.
At the risk of being maudlin....
As penned in ‘The Prophet’ ...
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
22
Nice. Just want to give credit to Sweet Honey in the Rock for that person's quote.
2
I think Sweet Honey got it from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet (1923) it’s online wonderful reading. It’s been a favorite of my family for a couple of generations. I have a copy with mosquitoes crushed in the pages from when my father carried it in WW II as an Army infantryman in the jungles of New Guinea, a present from my mother.
My marriage ceremony included the last stanza of ‘On Marriage’
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Great stuff, very sentimental, if I can interest a few people in it it’s a good day
15
On Sunday she loves me for the reasons she hated me on Tuesday.
22
embarrassed to say i didnt "out grow " my allergy to my mom until my late 20's. She died when iwas 29. all those wasted years... She was so amazing and i missed out.
28
Don't hold your breath ; re "dance moves"
11
Mark Twain on Adolescence. "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
53
I’m haunted by something a couple told me on an airplane once. They were my seat neighbors with college-aged kids while my oldest was under 5. We were chatting and they made a point to tell me how easy I had it then because when something goes wrong even if you’re a noob you know what to do. They contrasted this with angst later on saying the worst part is when you don’t know how to respond. I got the feeling their youngest was off the rails but that word, angst, has stayed with me ever since.
8
Wisdom from 1910 Poland, my aunt's mother: little children, little problems; big children, big problems. True then, true now.
6
I am not a parent, but I am a teacher of teens and I appreciate the insights I gained from this article. In my class, too, I see teens hitting extremes of under-individuation and over-individuation, as they work to establish their own identities. I am almost always supportive as long as my students are not rude or defiant. This article gives me more understanding into the reasons why it is so important for me to be supportive of these developing teens.
16
Dr Damour, I so appreciate your thoughtful book and article. It has been really helpful for me to think of adolescent ‘behaviours’ in terms of how they are necessary for my child’s move into adulthood. Your advice about how to make the process easier for parents is also welcome; you write with warmth, humour, and compassion. Thank you!
13
Growing up I was guilty of the eye-roll and muttering sign. My parents who were both teachers would calmly but firmly remind me that I need to practice self-control. "I hope you don't do this when you grow up and have a job, because your boss doesn't have to deal with this behavior." My parents would also say, "Would you treat your teachers, coach, and friends this way?"
My dad early on reassured me that I was my own person but there we expectations and rules to follow in the house. "Look, I know you are a Dodger fan. We don't have to like the same things. At the end of the day you are still my daughter and I love you." I've heard that teenagers more than toddlers need boundaries and reassurance. Don't give up on them.
22
it isn't an allergy it is becoming independent. if you want your children to be independent, allow them to find their way on their own. that means they have to question all that has been chosen for them in the past. when parents do things like allow their children to pick their outfits they are impeding their child's Independence. let them become who they are and let them know that their family is still there for them. it is the holding on to children that causes many of these conflicts.
12
When my children were teenagers I told them I welcomed their fighting with me because it would encourage them to leave the house when they turned 18. They did and by then I was 38, time enough for me to finish growing up. They are now in their 50s and are simply wonderful human beings. I do admit, however, that a lot of their wonderfulness may have occurred in spite of my parenting...I rather think they created most of it themselves.
31
I grew up knowing I would be leaving home at 18 (I also knew that college wasn't really going to be an option because we were so beastly poor and although I was smart, I was not a good student), which I did by moving from San Jose to Washington DC, and then a year-and-a-half later moving back to California and living in SF for the next 40 years. I don't remember going through a time of rejecting my parents, but it's possible I just can't see the forest for the trees.
7
I think at the end if the day, my teenagers want me to slow down, listen and actually hear them. This is easier said than done for me. Parenting, working, driving, organizing, helping etc. requires a lot of hustle. When I stop the hustle, even for small moments, I find my teens are less allergic to me. I also TRY and remember their stories, names of friends and teammates I have never met but hear them talk about, the youtube channel they like and how they like their Subway sandwich (can never remember the sandwich). And I drive them places as much as I can. I am still amazed how much they tell me, unprompted, when we are trapped in a car together.
37
I realized that the "allergy "also enables parents to separate from their children. If they were still so cute and lovable, how could we let them go away to college. By the way they do come back. After many years of "intense allergy "Our 3 grown children just sent us on a 4 day trip to Iceland. Have faith, they will like you again one day.
22
Given the equivalent contribution of Dr. Damour to our understanding of the species, why does she not get the honor of her credential when Dr. Klass does?
12
This is so helpful. Even tho we're thru most of it now, with older teenagers mostly out of the house, the memories of my spouse's and my hurt feelings are still there. It's so good to be told not to take this personally, that it's a process, a natural and healthy one!
18
Parents who give their children room to grow and be individuals separate from them do not experience this to such an intense degree. My friends whose parents were the "cool" parents, are as close as friends.
16
Having been through this with three kids (now adults), my advice to parents is -- don't ever blame yourself, and most importantly don't feel guilty (even if there are ways you could have been a better parent).
Parents should not strive to be perfect. Some of the worst decisions parents make -- such as allow their kids to attend ridiculously expensive colleges that the family cannot afford, or failing to draw appropriate expectations or boundaries -- happen because the parents are feeling guilty.
You fed, clothed, housed, loved your kid, you didn't abuse your kid -- ergo you do not have anything to feel guilty about or worry about. Once your kid leaves the nest, for college or work (and do not postpone this!) he/she will suddenly understand the grownup world a lot better and like you a lot more.
58
Yes, children and their embarrassing parents! My son was an apprentice electrician at a large company, and the electricians wore a company uniform. I was under STRICTEST orders not to speak with anyone wearing an Elektro Winter uniform on the train. Then one day my son said accusingly to me, "You were sitting across the aisle from Giusi and you didn't even say hi!"
They do grow up, and my three children are now among my best friends. I am the president of a public day care center, and it is wonderful having my oldest daughter on the board with me!
33
I also think a big part of it is the subconscious recognizing that a huge separation/transition is coming. It’s easier to leave people if you feel like they’re super annoying anyway. I recognize more snarky and irritable behavior when my teen is tired and stressed. You often see them at their worst because you are their safe place.
63
This strikes me as part of the socially constructed myth about adolescents. It perpetuates their position in society as "less than" or "strange animals." It contains some truth, but misses the great diversity within this age group. Couldn't the same arguments, slightly adapted, be made for newly married couples with their parents or even middle aged adults with their elder parents? 150 years ago all these teens were adults. Adolescence wasn't invented yet. Adolescence is socially constructed. Look at the teens from Florida and their advocacy for school safety. Do they fit this argument? Of course not. Teens deserve more respect.
43
Even Jane Austen recognized that 13-16 was "the most trying age." There is a reason that you didn't come "out" to society until you 16 and mostly past that irritating age. The poor had no choice but to work. But after 16 or so, you were treated as any adult, and expected to act like one.
Today, childhood extends to after college for many kids. They do not socialize as adults in adult society until their early 20's. That is why the Florida teens are shocking - we have forgotten that kids can function as adults far younger than we let them.
47
The onset of puberty is no social construct, and hormones do affect moods, irritability and behavior. And the way that teens are able to behave with adults generally and the ways they behave with their own parents are two entirely separate things.
Adolescence is definitely a process of collecting information about the world and trying to figure out who you are and what feels right to you during a period of enormous physical and emotional upheaval. Separating from one's parents is an important part of that process. It's not a coincidence that in many horror movies, it's children who could not fully separate from their mothers who often turn into homicidal monsters.
15
Mr. Kaster,
With respect, I don't believe you are taking into account the relatively new discoveries about the adolescent brain. While I don't believe that is a reason to treat adolescents like children until middle age, there is quite a bit of evidence that they aren't merely just adults in younger packages.
14
We seem to forget that we are controlled by nature, despite humans trying our best to control the world, we are all preprogrammed. It’s natural for children to find their own identities and to want to distant themselves from their parents. It’s difficult as a parent to accept this, but nature doesn’t care about the parents once the child is ready to fly, we’re obsolete!
10
I remember going clothes shopping with my oldest daughter in her early teen years. She rejected absolutely everything I suggested. Came home and immediately called my mother to apologize for doing the same thing to her decades earlier. She said, "Well I appreciate that, Anne, but I have gotten over it."
On a different note, I didn't use this often, but every once in a while I'd remind my daughters during their teen years that "You know, I have feelings too."
81
I understand the process of individuation - the teenager starting to learn to be a self-sufficient individual away from their parents
I guess the choice between rejecting parents and wanting to be like them would come from habit and good learning experience (why you want to do things a certain learned way - when you know it gets better results)
so - in presence of their parents they may act all creeped out - but in presence of peers they ideally will confidently show off the skills they learned - from their parents.
17
Parents are embarrassing. They’re either hopelessly out-of-date and don’t much care how they appear in front of their child and his peers, or they’re hopelessly trying to remain au courant and care too much about how they appear in front of their child and his peers. But beware: if you’re known as “fun mom” or “cool dad,” it probably means you’re a terrible parent.
76
It's not either or. My oldest son brands me as 'fun tiger mom'. It's worked out well.
I remember from about age 10 - 15 I thought my mom was SO LAME. Her looks, haircut, clothes choices, the fact she didn't paint her nails a color other than clear, didn't highlight her hair, drove a minivan (to cart us ungrateful kids around), didn't wear enough makeup, etc. Ha! I was awful! Fast forward to late high school and college and my mom was one the most trusted people in my life and someone I would come to for advice, and still do! Now I have my own kids and know they will go through the same thing... I was SO SO critical. She is a wonderful woman, sacrificing for us and it was just me trying to separate myself from her. Side note - I never felt these strong critical emotions about my dad - I wonder if it is more pronounced when the child is the same gender as the parent?
65
In response to your side note: I think maybe it's with the primary parent. At the time it was usually the mother, now it could be either or both.
10
Same thing in my house. I'm the person designated to get the most criticism, while their father is left relatively alone. I've asked them about this, but all I get is blank looks! They are both male and female, 1 daughter and 2 sons. My youngest is a junior in college right now and is becoming much nicer!
5
I was an only child to a doting single mother and my allergy began around 9 or 10. It continued into early adulthood into my early 20s. Now that I'm in my mid thirties I suspect that while some of my embarrassment was adolescent angst, some of it was justified. My mother is often inappropriate and inconsiderate when speaking to and about people and as a result has almost no friends and never thrived socially at work or elsewhere. I feel more pity towards her than pure cringe and her shameless bigotry and pettiness should embarrass someone, if not herself. Sometimes kids can serve as checks on our ignorant behaviors and attitudes.
46
Sounds like your Mom may have been autistic. Mine was and it wasn't until I was grown that I understood why she was socially awkward. Mom did not have any close friends beyond the family. When she was about 75, she sent me an article describing Augsberger syndrome and said it described her.
9
Eric, this is so true. My parents found me difficult at 13 but in retrospect I realize it was actually a difficult time in their lives. What changed when I turned 14? I made a very sanguine decision that I needed them and wasn’t going to run away. I (mostly) gained some needed distance and I figured out how to manage them. Sometimes it’s the parents and not the kid.
5
I became allergic to my mother around the same age and at 40, I'm still allergic to her in public to some degree. However, this is because she is a narcissist and can be extremely rude and inappropriate in public, and at times has even thrown toddler-like full blown screaming tantrums when things don't go her way. It's greatly embarrassing to be associated with her in any way still, although, as she gets older now, onlookers do seem to look with more pity like she is getting senile, without realizing that she has been like this her entire life. However, it was really challenging as a teenager because a lot of behavior with my subsequent embarrassment or reaction was played as me being a very difficult teenager or it being my fault or provoked by me, and it took me until well until adulthood to realize that the problem really did not primarily with lie with me at all. This doesn't even take into account that I would almost die of embarrassment, to say the least, going into public with my grandparents, because they would loudly voice very bigoted language, but again this was posed as a problem with me, not them. So as you say, Eric, it's not always the kids who are at fault: consider sometimes what you are saying and doing.
When parents never or rarely engage with their children in any way other than to issue orders and disciplined often demanding behaviors they never met what do they expect when the kids begin to become autonomous semi adults.
Ad to this the discovery that parents are not all they advertised, have clay feet, and worse. Many kids reach teen years and see dishonest hypocrites, how do you expect them to behave? Especially when for the entirety of their existence they have been the designated problem and all of a sudden they understand that it is not true, that the parents created most of the friction. That they had just tried to get along while the parents sabotaged the family all the way along.
It has always made me sick to see parents blaming their children for problems in the family. The worst thing they could do is to be unable to own their part in the family dynamic.
40
How sad that you have been exposed to families like this. Not my experience.
7
Fear not, the aliens do bring them back. It can certainly be frightening and sad when they don't want to spend time with you as much anymore. But hang in there! When it got really bad I told my son it was ok, because his prefrontal cortex was not yet fully developed. That quite often ended the teenage word salad streaming at me. Looking back it was all great fun. Try to enjoy it, it goes by in a heart beat and you will miss it very much. Like the old saying - the days are long but the years are short.
116
It's important to acknowledge that this is not a phenomena everywhere--it's culturally bound. It should be noted that in the U.S. we expect this sort of separation and individuation from parents, not globally and not even among all cultures in the U.S.
103
Could you please give a few suggestions of where separation isn't a 'thing'? Would love to see how that happens. thanks.
6
I think the research shows that separation is a thing in most cultures but not to the extent or degree it is in the US. Our children live in a highly individualistic culture but to some degree, even communal cultures have some aspect of teenage identity development and formation.
24
I’ve been wondering about this so much lately as my youngest is about to leave! I was thinking this morning that somebody should do a study comparing this with other cultures because it really is weird.
2
One morning, my friend's sixteen-year-old daughter, S, realized she'd forgotten to pack her athletic gear for her the week she'd be spending with her dad. It was a Saturday and so my friend and I decided to drop off the gym bag while we were out running errands. When S approached the car, she took one look at her mom--who rarely wears jewelry or makeup but just so happened to be doing both on that day--and said, "Wow, mom! You look so pretty!" The look they exchanged was one of pure love and mutual admiration.
35
Great article. I have a 15 year old son who is fine overall (great student, great grades, involved in lots of activities) but is definitely showing "allergies" to his parents. I know it's normal, but the anger and disrespectful behavior is impossible to take. Knowing it's okay to ask that it be delivered in a polite and respectful manner really, really helps.
50
As a family therapist, I've often helped families through the stages of adolescence. Three missed points:
1. Parents who begin guiding and modeling behavior like "Don't be rude," when the young person is a teenager have already lost half the battle. This kind of work is to be done early and often. Age three is a good time to settle this point, kindly and firmly.
2. Parents are often the problem more than their teenagers. A teenager is likely to end up rolling her eyes every now and then. Parents would do well to not overreact to this. Parents who take every minor provocation personally are signalling to their teenagers that they are so very powerful that their every move can destroy their parents' day. That's a foolish message. The teenager is implicitly asking, "Can I still trust you to be strong?" The answer should be "Yes, you can, as evidenced by the fact that you can't rile me up." Absolutely, correct behavior that is intolerable. But ask yourself why it's so intolerable and what you can do to let go of what you don't need to freak out about (Hint: most things).
3. Another way to understand teenage "allergy" to parents: teenagers are changing, but in their view parents aren't. That mother is the same woman who dangled the teenager on her knee a few years ago. This contradicts the teenager's inner mandate to individuate. That's why they demand that parents drop them off around the corner from school. (Don't, but don't freak out about the request.)
155
"That's why they demand that parents drop them off around the corner from school. "
Me, in a nutshell....at 14. I was "grown" and while I appreciated the ride, GAWD, I didn't want to be "seen" as a kid.
3
A dad of a teen on my daughter’s soccer team told his wife, “Don’t take the bait” whenever the teen said something to get a rise out of her. I always remembered that. No need to escalate petty grievances.
6
Hmmmm.....You're a family therapist. Sounds like you tend to blame parents for normative development behaviors rather than support them....
3
A conversation in a diner
Matt, age 45 is cutting his pancakes, he stops and looks at me.
' am I doing it right?"
' What, cutting your pancakes?"
' yeah, because according to my 13 year old, the way I do it is very annoying."
' That's nothing my 14 year old got upset the other day because of the way I was buttering my bread."
" Jack?"
"Yep, Jack."
"The same kid we use to call tag along, because he'd always be by your side."
"That's the one, it use to be-I want to do with daddy, now it's -do I have to go with ....him!."
"What happened to us, when did we get to be so uncool."
" To be honest i take it as an insult, like he looks at me and he's thinking I don't want to wind up like that, 45 married, developing a paunch, boring job, not famous, just struggling through life like everyone else"
"I think they are in a stage where there are moving from the fantasy filled imagination of childhood into the cold fear of reality. In their fantasies they are still slaying dragons, but now they know there are no more dragons to be slain, it's quite a let down you know?"
"What?"
"Life."
"You have older kids, does it ever get back to like it use to be?"
"Never, but it's cool. Would you really want a 20 year old tagging along with you wherever you went."
"so, I finally get it, this separation in the relationship isn't just for them, it's for us too, so we can get on with life and actually become our own person again."
" Now you got it. Pass the syrup...but do it cool."
207
Perfect.
3
Excellent, this sums it up.
Another theory to this allergy could be that they are at the stage of life when they are really beginning to understand that childhood is over and what comes ahead is pretty stinko. They realize they are not going to be the next Lebron James or Tom Brady, or a famous inventor, in fact they might not even have as good as their parents. The girl they like doesn't like them, and only a handful of kids in school are happy, the pretty ones, and if your not one of the pretty ones, you are going to have a lifetime of not being one of the pretty ones. School gets tougher and tougher, chemistry and calculus and Trigonomentry and Physics, and they are falling behind some of the others. As bad as school is, once its over, then the hard choices begin, College, a job or the Military, and the family has no money for college. And some how if you make it through, find a girl who will actually marry you, and don't get cancer, or shot or if no idiot pushes a button that sends the Nukes skyward. and you get to be an old man, all that's left is death. No wonder they are upset with their parents, they didn't ask to be born, and all their years growing up, the blissful years of sweet childhood, when life seemed nothing but playtime and chocolate cake, and birthday parties where everybody you knew was alive and healthy..nobody ever told them how it really was going to be, except maybe that one sad Aunt, who gave them the best advice of all..." don't ever get old."
91
Yikes, Thomaspaine17, that's a dismal view! How about this...kid realizes his parents have worked hard to give him opportunities, which he appreciates and takes advantage of. Kid does well in high school on the steam of his own motivation, gets into a good college (earning a scholarship), and continues to do well. Gets an internship in his area of interest, which turns into a job. Meets a great girl with similar interests. Finds joy in the little things...sunset, time with friends, a hike. Life is good and he still likes his parents. An alternate reality that's playing out with my son right now.
43
Congratulations! I am similarly lucky with my two now adult children. Frankly I don't how I (WE) did it, but we did. The past twenty or so years have been a blur. As parents we set high expectations for them and they have done their best to live up to our expectations. Both were good students and did well in college. Both have a solid sense of themselves and are beginning to pick their way through adulthood. Both of us parents (we are a split household) get credit for raising a couple of pretty good human beings. I'm resting now... ;)
15
Fine, but you must be aware that most families do not enjoy this level of privilege. Many families struggle to meet the minimum daily requirement of simply appearing to be normal. Great numbers of parents are so stressed they can barely house, dress, and feed their kids, forget about shared positive experiences or support.
26
Great article. It helps to be forearmed and aware of what is coming so that we don't take it personally when our teens are offended by the mere sound of our voices.
11
This is Mom: What we found funny--and fortunately so did our teen--was after a major fuss and door-slam, she emerged: "Mom, don't take it personally!"
Acknowledgment of what was said above...
11
Richard, you are obviously blessed with a great and insightful kid.
2