This was me. One son and then five miscarriages. I couldn’t give up because I’d had one son and truly believed I could have another. Those years were so hard especially since there would always be a heartbeat at 7 weeks then no heartbeat at 12 weeks. Our families begged us to stop trying because they couldn’t stand seeing us go through the pain. We saw specialists who found no explanation. Finally, after several years we decided to adopt. We were so happy to meet our daughter. By then our son was 7 and it was like raising two only children. in addition, our daughter was diagnosed with autism so the sibling relationship is somewhat strained because she finds it difficult to show affection. Despite it all I’m still grateful for both kids and couldn’t imagine life any other way.
1
My 101 year old grandmother, who is the mother of four sons, told me recently in confidence that she experienced four misacarriages in her 30s and that it was the the most emotionally harrowing experience of her life. Back in those days in Eastern Europe, people were extremely private about family maters. I kept this revelation in confidence, but I realize that it was most likely the first time she had ever shared this openly with another woman, and it was me, her granddaughter, decades later. I am not a mother myself, though I hope to experience this journey one day in life. I will always take my grandmother's words with me and realize that with pregnancy comes risk, but also a lifetime of possible joy should that be ones' wish.
3
How does he know how "okay" it would have been if they have given up and it didn't work out?
I find the nice, neat bow at the end of this piece really tone-deaf to those who didn't get happy endings and clueless. We can never really know what the other ending would have felt like because we don't get to experience both endings.
9
I read that sentence differently. I thought he meant it would have been OK to give up and stop trying for another child.
1
Having experienced this myself I appreciated his story because it’s just not talked about.
2
Another me me me story.
thousands of people try, and fail. what's the point of this essay? another selfish person. you could marry a person of another ethnicity but you couldn't adopt a child of another ethnicity? oh wait, those wouldn't be your genes, right?
2
As an adoptive mother of a child of another race, I respectfully suggest that you haven’t a clue how complicated it really is - for the child as well as the parents. Being the only person of another race in an all-white family is no picnic. My kid could tell you that.
7
I gave birth to a baby at an advance maternal age.Try a combination of stuff if you’re trying-iui, Ivf, Feng Shui, acupuncture. Hope this helps someone.
2
Happy for the author, but please know your story and the title in particular come off awfully tone-deaf, as others have already pointed out. You mention “happy ending” stories and then, incredulously, conclude with your own. It’s not that we aren’t happy for you - it’s that the actual structure of your story and the way you write about your/your wife’s experience comes across as insensitive. In addition, those commenters suggesting adoption, calling those who attempt to reproduce “selfish,” are straight-up ignorant. The comment section of all articles on infertility are basically the same and it is so tiring to read the same points over and over again. Have some compassion for those of us who have gone through multiple miscarriages/infertility and try understanding the experience before chastising us. You really have no idea. It’s like mansplaining but worse.
15
What is a miscarriage but a natural abortion? The author is pro-choice, and which case, why does one child deserve your sympathy (i.e., the wanted child), but another is ignored and thrown out into a PP dumpster? Maybe your discomfort with how to feel about miscarriages is because of this cognitive dissonance between supporting life on one hand, and denying it on the other.
3
I went back over the article to see whether the author had expressed any opinions about induced abortion. I couldn't find any such statement.
Therefore, your attempt to shame the writer for feeling bad about a miscarriage but not about a child he might "throw into a dumpster" is not only cruel but bizarrely inappropriate.
Like the hammer who thinks everything is a nail, I guess anti-choice people think everything is about abortion.
11
Good try - but Ill founded.
I can’t speak for the author, but I see nothing inconsistent. If you do not believe that a “soul” or life begin with conception, then it makes sense that the focus, in each case, is on the expectations of the parents. So the question is whether the parents are or are not looking forward to having the child.
Moreover, I know not a single pro-choice person who does not recognize that an abortion is a loss to the parents as well. Where we differ is that you apparently equate a fertilized egg (with at a minimum 10% chance of spontaneous natural miscarriage) with a full-fledged person, with hopes and dreams, while I do not.
3
I’m an adoptive mom...my 2nd child finally was placed with us after 8 failed matches over the course of 15 months! If people think no one talks about/understands miscarriages - trust me - NO ONE talks about or gets failed matches!
But like the author I have a 2 year old who worships her 7 year old big sister...it’s so worth it though I thought about quitting so many times. For anyone trying to grow their family - you will find your path, be it a biological success or some other means or yes deciding that none or one is enough. It will make sense for you someday! The sensation of wanting to punch people when they announce their ‘whoops’ pregnancies definitely fades!
4
It's a shame that people still see only children as needing to be saved "certain desolation and a variety of personality disorders," as Bhasian writes. Recent research has shown that we're actually pretty average, and that there are no disadvantages to being an only child (source below). We're not spoiled, egotistic psychopaths; I wish the world would understand that I too, as an only child, contribute to society, volunteer in my community, enjoy a robust social life, earn a paycheck, don't have a personality disorder, and do not in any way feel lonely or desolate. You're not punishing your child if you don't give them a sibling. I can say from experience they'll be just fine on their own.
Source: https://qz.com/560225/only-children-are-actually-totally-normal-accordin...
7
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I understand your bravery and your wife's bravery. I am very very happy for you both and your little boys too.
3
Apparently you and your wife never heard of adoption? IVF? egg donation? because you actually had a LOT of alternatives to what happened. Luck was with you in the end, and I'm glad it all worked out. But your despair and long wait was unnecessary.
1
@Concerned Citizen: Why does it bother you that they chose a path that's different from the path you would've chosen in their shoes? You can't know why they didn't do IVF or egg donation. Maybe they couldn't afford it. Maybe IVF didn't seem necessary because *conceiving* didn't seem to be the problem. Maybe they had ethical concerns with egg donation. Maybe their religion prohibits IVF.
As for adoption, there is a serious shortage of *babies* and young children to adopt. So unless you're willing to adopt older kids out of the foster care system (usually not advised when you have a young child at home), you're not really helping anyone but yourself by adopting.
It's time for all of us to stop judging people who choose a different path from our own.
15
Yet another story of fertility struggles that ends with a baby. Where are the stories that don't end with a baby?
20
Not sure what the point of the Article was meant to be.
Nick wants us to understand the grief of “self” when is faced with “ones” perceived losses.
Nick sense of loss and family has something to do with his upbringing, social and cultural effects. Article like these belong in blogs as it is more personal than “opinion”.
Oh wait, was this a blog?
3
Each family must choose their own path to be sure, but this life sounds like a horror show. I birthed my first child, then we adopted our second. We had been unsure about having a second child as well, and our ages put us at risk. Both of my children are "my children", equally. I don't introduce them as my birth child and my adopted child, nor do I think of them that way either.
Adoption is a good thing for all involved. There are going to be some issues (why did my family give me up, who am I really?). Every child has some issues, we knew our son's before he did. So what? The idea that making a child is somehow a better path than adoption is incorrect. Adoption holds no stigma, except among the ignorant.
1
Charlie-Have you looked at NYS adoption laws? No stigma? Guess again! The children you adopted have NO access to either their own birth certificates (this is not the redacted false one with your and your spouse's name) or to their adoption records.., without a court order--- and a petition is no guarantee of getting that. I invite you to visit Adoptee Rights Law website where you will find this summary, followed by a lengthy set of adoption rules in NYS: "New York law denies adult adoptees access to their own original birth certificates, except by court order. Based on how judges have handled adoptee requests to unseal records, New York may be one of the most restrictive states in the U.S. on the issue of access to an original birth certificate." No stigma? Read the rest of the information on the site-or go to NYS Senate to read about th newest bill hoping to rescind NYS draconian take on adoptees who are not afforded equal rights under the law.
As for your ignorant remark about issues like who am I, why was I given up, and where did I come from nothing is worse than your 'so what? response' Obviously you have no clue about an adoptee because you have never had your identity stripped from you nor had your genetic family denied you, nor have you been treated as a third class citizen whom the state has imposed a minor forever status commencing with the final adoption decree from NYS via the county of the court of adoption. You, Charlie, are the ignorant one!
3
And all those abandoned children who are in need of adoption are the real lonely ones.
1
Judy, I am an abandoned adoptee who calls your bluff! My abandonment took me forever away form my two siblings, separated me for decades from DNA relatives and conscripted me to adopters who abused me physically, sexually, psychologically and emotionally. this while the courts turned their heads and their sight from my pleas for redress against the grave wrongs done "in the child's best interests"- me being the child who had to endure what the court imposed and enforced on me. Spare me and others your ignorant and simplistic platitudes! One would expect a resident of the city of the famous Harvard Yard to be far better enlightened.
I am surprised by how many commenters are assuming this couple did fertility treatments. I see no evidence in the story that that is how they were trying for #2. Not that it's problematic to try fertility treatments, but the assumption that everyone struggling with infertility is doing fertility treatments IS problematic. There are plenty of us who had secondary infertility treatments who didn't go that route.
Especially given that the woman kept getting pregnant, it would seem she'd be a better candidate for DIY-ing it rather than spending a lot of money. And she did seem to do the wise thing of looking for reasons for the miscarriages rather than jumping to fertility treatments.
Finally, for all you women who are struggling with repeated miscarriages, it's worth getting tested for celiac disease. A simple blood test (provided you are regularly eating gluten) can pretty accurately tell you if you have it or not (low probability of false negatives and false positives). I wish more doctors would test for this.
I had secondary infertility and a very hard time (many years) getting pregnant with my first. No fertility treatments. I discovered I had celiac too late to have a second kiddo, but it turns out that women with celiac often have multiple early miscarriages -- and therefore don't make it to that 7-week heartbeat stage very often. They are also more likely to have late-term pregnancy loss and stillbirths.
6
Thank you fur sharing your personal story of secondary infertility and journey. I appreciate your highlight of spousal struggles and how it can often bring us apart when dealing with infertility. I’m thankful for your happy ending- hopefully others can as well when reading your story.
4
I join the chorus of people who characterize this essay as insensitive.
You both sound pretty intense and accustomed to having things go your way (up until the rollercoaster of conceiving child #2.) The statement that you pretended to be interested in other people's multiple children "while hoping I never had to see them again," shows breathtaking immaturity. Listen, buddy, some of us have gone to baby showers while sitting on maxi pads that were collecting blood from our miscarriages. Some of us have held friends' infants the week after we buried our own. Get a little perspective.
Question for the writer: Are the terrible things you say about only children sincere or tongue in cheek? "A savior from certain desolation and a variety of personality disorders?" If you are even remotely in earnest: YIKES.
25
@Golf Widow: As someone who has also been through secondary infertility (with no second baby to show for it), I did not feel like this was insensitive or immature at all. I find that it's often seen as OK for women with primary infertility to feel the same way about people with kids that those with secondary infertility feel about those with 2+ kids.
Aren't those with secondary infertility entitled to their feelings of pain? I had both primary and secondary infertility (baby #1 took 3+ years to conceive). And I will say that primary infertility wasn't a challenge for me at all -- I was happy to hold other people's babies, get excited about friends' pregnancies, etc. But secondary infertility -- with multiple miscarriages (just like the journey to conceive the first) -- felt almost unbearable.
Also, I'm an only who is mom to an only. I totally get the whole "full-time friend for our son" comment. Especially today, when families are so busy and it's hard for kids to meet up with friends outside of organized settings. The current expectation (unlike in the 70s and 80s) is that siblings are your playmate. No playing outside (or inside) with the neighborhood kids. So being an only is much lonelier for my son than it was for me -- and it was so very lonely for me. I hated every minute of single childhood.
I took the author's "variety of personality disorders" comment to be nothing but hyperbole, so it didn't bother me on first read. But I agree with you that it is insensitive.
6
I am in my mid-thirties with two children (not without a miscarriage in the middle!). Literally every woman I know with a child (and some without) have had at least one miscarriage. I think its wonderful that we can all discuss it openly socially and in the news. You are not alone.
8
We are expected to have sympathy for those suffering from miscarriages, i.e., the death of a WANTED baby. But what about babies in-utero who are UNWANTED? Can a stranger feel any sympathy for those forgotten children, who are discarded like yesterday's trash? I think we should.
4
Why are kids so important? Think of the planet.
11
We really need a world where women don’t have children for a decade. We are headed toward extinction through overpopulation and yet we still have these articles,
Think of the planet, indeed.
Hard for society to continue without children. You were once a child.
5
I am so tired of reading endless articles about people who spend thousands of dollars and endless hours of angst trying to get pregnant. Mother Nature is trying to tell you something! ! Any proper breeder of livestock wouldn't pursue a breeding program like this because of genetic implications.
Now I'm going to say something that will probably make people nuts, but here goes. What makes you so special? Why do these people HAVE to procreate in world that is overpopulated, heading for ecological disaster, and a technological future that will not support a constantly burgeoning population. Adopt...or foster!!
21
@SallyBV: Did I miss something? I didn't read that this couple spent "thousands of dollars" to conceive their second child. Maybe they did, but it sounds like they were DIY-ing their attempts at family building. Don't assume everyone with fertility issues is spending lots of money on doctors and treatments.
6
I would like to hear from the people who DIDN'T succeed in the end. Did you regret "giving up" a year or two later? How did you decide enough was enough of fertility treatments?
18
"Eternal loneliness" ? From being an only child?
How absurd.
27
Fourteen years ago, after a stillbirth in my 30’s and giving birth to a live son, I had 4 pregnancy losses in a row, including one at 20 weeks, and one that tested genetically normal. I waited months to see a star infertility doctor. I came with all my lab results. He walked into the exam room and shook his finger at me.
“What are YOU going to do about all these losses!” I was speechless.
I realized that for the 15 minutes allotted for our appointment it was impossible for him to make sense of the little anomalies hiding in six years of lab reports. I went home, logged into PubMed and started weeks of research into what I could uncover in free online medical abstracts. I came up with anti-phospholipid syndrome. I went to my Ob Gyn and showed him the evidence. He ordered the test for the genetic marker - I didn’t have it.
Then my very wise Ob Gyn said, “In medicine, we are learning new things everyday. I don’t think the treatment will harm you.”
On my next pregnancy, he prescribed a course of blood thinners from conception to birth and at age 41 I welcomed my second son with no complications. Today, from a mail order genetic test, I discover that my ancient European & Neanderthal DNA does indeed carry an increased blood clotting risk.
Yes, science and medicine is indeed learning new things everyday.
14
Ann I was prescribed a daily baby aspirin for apparently something similar. And next pregnancy went to term
Don't give up. As long as you can afford trips to Bali for yoga retreats or birthday parties.
25
The world truly IS better when some of us make a duplicate of ourselves.....
1
It is wildly irresponsible and selfish to have more than one child. The author and his wife should have counted their blessings with the birth of a healthy baby boy and just enjoyed their lives.
7
By the time I was 30 years old, I had endured at least 11 spontaneous abortions, and had birthed two children, both of who were medical challenges, one who lived and one who did not survive beyond 4 months. My daughter had a very complex version of CHD, my son-who survived, complex problems of being born at 26 weeks gestational age. Both of my children were the first humans in my life who were the first my genetic relatives I could hold, see, and love, the first who bore a huge resemblance to me, the adoptee who was never supposed to know who she was or where she came from.
For adoptees, too often it is our children who confirm our genetic inheritance and in whom is passed on the chain of DNA from our ancient and modern ancestors and other kith and kin. I am a grandmother to a toddler who is the spitting image of his aunt, my sister from whom I was separated 70 years ago, and his uncle who had died before I could locate him.
My child has passed on his genes to another generation, and his child and children, should he have others, will do the same. This is the natural cycle of life, whether for couples who are not adopted or those of us who are-to pass on our genetic inheritance. It, this passage, is as old as humanity itself. Something no court can prevent is the chain of DNA passed to the next generation. We do no pass the DNA of adopters who do not share our genetic haplogroups or migratory patterns, but those from generations before us.
2
I enjoyed the honesty of this article. I had a child 2 months before I turned 40 after a miscarriage. As a society we feel very unprepared to talk about miscarriages. It is often a very private loss for the mother who mourns for the child she never had. I remember going for the ultrasound and not detecting the heart beat, crying on the way back in the cab, feeling like my world had stopped. Subsequently when I got pregnant, I remember not being too hopeful .. emotionally distancing myself from the baby in my belly knowing that lots of things could go wrong.
9
My best friend was born to parents in their mid-30s -- quite old for first time parents in the early 50s! -- after her mom had had TEN miscarriages, some of them late miscarriages and very traumatic. Her parents were so unsure that she (my friend) was going to live -- she was premature at about 7.5 months and only about 4 lbs -- that they did not name her for three months. This was in 1952.
1
After three miscarriages I was diagnosed with a borderline auto immune clotting condition. When I got pregnant again, at some point the doctor suggested I take a baby aspirin once a day. That pregnancy went to term and my daughter is a healthy 30 year old. The condition I was treating related to the anticoagulant antibody. Maybe this information will help someone else.
14
Agree that the headline is very misleading. My wife and I endured five miscarriages while trying to have our first child. Luckily, we (barely) had the resources to do IVF, and, yes, there was a happy ending. Still, I find this article insensitive to those who either had an awful time conceiving one child, or never reached that happy ending once, let alone twice. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you, and I respect the pain you and your wife felt, because I know it was real. But I feel this essay was a bit tone deaf.
29
I love the description of your two-year-old. I'm very happy for you and your wife.
When I took my grandson who was 2 years old to see his new baby sister at the hospital, she was in her mother's arms and was crying. Max put his hand on her arm and said in a soft voice, "No, no, Lily, don't cry." It has been wonderful to see the two of them together.
5
The artcle did not mention adoption or being a foster parent. The experience of having two different adoptions at 2+different times gave us a 3 kids, now adults, totally different yet connected in interesting ways
20
As an adoptee I refute your suggestion with every breath in my body and am very confident that most of the rest of us who make up b ut 2% of the global population do as well. We are NOT replacement children for those who loose a child to disease, so-called miscarriages (spontaneous abortions), or as a plaything for the child(ren) you may already have. Neither you nor others who adopt an replace our own genetically related families-parents, siblings, grands, aunts & uncles and cousins who are part of a very long chain of DNA which give us our unique being and in which you and those others had nor have a part in. You are NOT our parents, nor are we your children, despite what a court has ordered. Adoption is as cruel as are the spontaneous abortions which plague many of us (myself included), as cruel as is fostering. Natural children born to adopters who find themselves parents to their own child(ren) are also not our siblings no matter how you may insist that they are.
By the way, you might want to check your state's draconian law which denies an adoptee his/her own access to their original birth certificate or adoption records without a court order, and that my dear un-Peace-ful the court will most likely refuse your 2-or three adoptees now adult. NC in its not so infinite wisdom is debating whether to allow an adult of 40 years or older access to the OBC, but only under specific conditions. (One of those conditions is that the adoptee know his/her parents' names.)
I enjoyed this article mainly because the author acknowledges that their decisions were irrational. I don't agree with their choices but I don't need to, they're his and his wife's choices to make.
When I read articles like this though, I can't help but think, why didn't they turn to adoption? Having miscarriage after miscarriage was an emotional toll for the both of them, they're lucky to have made it to the other side without a divorce. And 9 months in the womb by no means make anyone a parent in the true sense--it's everything afterwards that makes someone a parent. Why not adopt a child who needs a family instead of creating another person in this overpopulated world? It'd be different if the author and his wife didn't already have a biological child, I can see why they would want to try for one instead of adopting but for these types of articles, adoption never seems to be a serious consideration for most couples.
16
I have struggled with infertility for years and I can tell you it’s not an easy decision to adopt. Every month, I was faced with a decision on whether to continue with the treatment or not. I knew that my likelihood to success was dependent on age, therefore chose, again and again, to continue. That didn’t leave me any time or energy (or money) to pursue adoption. We were exhausted and continuously disappointed and I know many such couples find happiness in adoption, but please know that not all people are the same. Adoption is a challenging process on its own and please don’t demand that every unhappy couple should embark on it after going through the struggles of infertility. After all, fertile couples with children can also adopt and add to their families. Why doesn’t society place this demand on them? Why are we made to feel bad when we are already broken ?
29
Thanks Meera for your story. I'm sorry that you're going through the struggles of infertility. I do think fertile couples with children should adopt and add to their families and I have the same question when I see a family with 2 (or 3 or 4, etc) biological kids have another biological kid on the way. I have looked into the adoption process for many years and I agree, it's a challenge to say the least and I have known individuals whose adoptions have fallen through, it's painful to say the least. I'm simply saying that I wish more couples (both fertile and infertile) would consider adoption earlier on as a choice and you're right, ultimately adoption may not be the right option for them but in these types of articles, they're rarely even mentioned.
6
I'm an adoptive parent, and my family's adoption experience was wonderful. I am also part of a male same-sex couple, so pregnancy and miscarriages were not things that I had to contend with.
Adoption is not for everyone, and it should not be an automatic plan B for couples who cannot conceive. The process is time consuming and expensive. Adoptive parents need to be prepared to open their lives for examination by social workers, adoption agencies, and courts. Adoption can be an emotional rollercoaster with the risk that the biological parents will change their minds---which is absolutely their right---or may be stringing the adoptive parents along for living expenses when they have no intention of placing a child for adoption. Most adoptions today are open, meaning that there is some degree of ongoing contact with the birth family, which can be beautiful or a nightmare depending upon the personalities and issues involved in the adoption triad.
Before embarking on adoption, ask yourself why you want to adopt, if you are prepared to treat the biological parents with compassion and respect even if their lifestyles and personalities differ from your own, and how the adopted child will fit into the extended family structure.
9
I’m happy for the author and his wife. My wife and I were on this nightmarish roller coaster back in the early-1990s.
But we decided to discontinue that emotionally and cash-draining journey.
We decided to adopt children, and our son and daughter are now in their 20s. They drive us as mad as any ‘biological’ children would, and we love them as much. Perhaps more.
31
I hope the author lives to see his sons and their children coming together. I see our boys and their kids (those precious cousins!) all in one place and my heart catches.
3
This article is tone deaf to those of us who haven’t been successful. You struggled and then *poof* had a happy ending?! Where is your on-going empathy for those of us who didn’t catch the brass ring? Save your *miraculous* story for a heartfelt Facebook post.
42
No need to be bitter.....
1
It's not nice to tease. Not only is this painful for childless couples, but imagine finally getting pregnant and facing raising a child damaged by the age of the eggs or the quality of an old father's sperm. I would not want to raise a Down's syndrome child or an autistic child; that's a hard decision to make after you have one on the way. If you want two kids, get started early. If you are getting started late, use some judgment about "when to stop trying". Sometimes it's time to stop trying before you start.
15
“We decided to try and have a second child so that our first wouldn’t be alone in the world.”
What, the other 9 billion humans aren’t enough?
64
A lot of people have siblings and are not close or even fight.
I know hundreds of such cases. There is no guarantee AT ALL that two biological siblings will be close -- especially if they are five years apart in age.
That is not a good reason to have a baby.
2
Everyone concerned with the environment should reconsider this "sacred cow"; that our purpose on this earth is to procreate. Life can be very full without pandering to the urge to replicate yourself. I have never seen the NYTs address the main reason for climate change: overpopulation, and it's cause: cultural acceptance that life is mainly for reproduction.
42
Please, stop using this discredited argument. The main reason for climate change is NOT overpopulation. It's industrialized, rich countries that caused it, by digging fossil fuels out of the ground to propel economic growth with no concern about the consequences of that growth model. Those countries are home to less than 10% of the world's population. The average American emits almost 20 tonnes of CO2e every year. The average Indian emits just over 1. In many countries in sub-Saharan Africa that number is closer to zero. Fertility rates tend to be low in rich countries, at less than 2 children per woman, which is less than the population "replacement rate". So for every American with a child an Indian would need to have 20 to make the same impact on atmospheric concentrations of CO2. You want to be a responsible citizen of the planet? Teach your children about using natural resources (including the atmosphere) parsimoniously and intelligently. Lead by example and fight for crucial changes in policies (why do we reward polluters by giving them a free pass?). Don't pontificate about your choice not to have children while living in your suburban mansion, driving your SUV and flying around the world for leisure - that's pure hypocrisy. Without mentioning that we desperately need children to grow into smart adults and fix this problem that was created by their parents, grandparents and great grandparents and exacerbated by lack of adequate action.
2
The need to procreate mystifies. Are we mindless squirrels driven by biology? It's as if some have nothing better to do with their lives.
16
I've known quite a few couples with infertility problems, so I clicked on the story. While I was glad the family had a happy ending in this one, I was appalled by the subtle dig at only children (singletons).
I'm an only child and I can't tell you how many times people (adults and other children) assumed I was spoiled, lonely, unbalanced in any way you can think of. My parents were able to devote a lot of time to me but I was hardly spoiled. I was always taught, in fact, to be mindful of other people's needs--to volunteer, be empathetic, be giving, etc. Being without siblings, I was able to develop a inner creative life which has helped me as an adult.
Also, I was puzzled by the pronouncement that the iron deficiency and thyroid problem were of "no concern" in the process of pregnancy and losses. My mother had severe thyroid disease, as well as iron deficiencies. According to her doctors, this is why she could not conceive initially(I was a late-in-life baby).
Lots of people I know hate their adult siblings and now wish they were only children. While I hope the two brothers in this story remain close, there's never a guarantee as time goes on.
55
No, there are no guarantees. I was the second of five children. Today both my parents and my three younger brothers are dead, and I have a few years to go to hit 60. Life often does not go where you think it will.
4
It’s wonderful when stories like this have a happy ending. Sadly, for some there is no happy ending and one rarely reads those stories.
Here is one: in my late 30s, I had nine miscarriages over 2 years, one at 22 weeks of pregnancy....a healthy baby girl. Did we give up? Emotionally exhausted, I would have tried again if my body had cooperated. My last miscarriage took occurred when I was 47, a natural pregnancy that also ended in grief. To those of you who have one child, rejoice in that. If you are lucky enough to have a second child, be grateful. I would never advise anyone to give up, children are life itself. But be compassionate, some of us are not so lucky.
64
I am so sorry for your loss. Early miscarriages are hard enough to but to lose a 22 week fetus -- just short of the age of viability -- must be unbearably heartbreaking.
HOWEVER: did you never consider adoption? or IVF with egg donation?
1
My wife also struggled to have a 2nd child. She had 3 miscarriages in the same year! She got pregnant every time we tried but just couldn’t seem to hold it. After that very tough year she went to a fertility doctor and was put on Clomid. Ironically the first time we tried she did not get pregnant. The second time we tried however she became pregnant with my now 14-year-old daughter. Tragically my wife died of cancer when my daughter was 7. I feel so blessed to have both my kids in my life. Don’t know what I would do without them. Congratulations on your happy ending.
13
Agree with other commenters re misleading title. Should instead be "When Do You Stop Trying to Have a Second Child?" Really.
46
Bali, seriously, Bali? What planet do you live on ? Infertility
Is cruel and painful. It is wrenching to be robbed of something so seemingly natural. I remember watching newly born animals in the spring:horses with foals, ducks with hatchlings, the most exquisite white baby fox dancing in the sun, and not beginning to comprehend my shortcomings. I tried to put the baby fox in my car not realizing it would have been cruel. It ran . Infertility is a true heartbreak. You are never the same person. So give it a break NYT. Rape is not as bad, #metoo and all. It’s biblical in proportions.
I had my adopted daughter and later a son. All beautiful. But has its tentacles stayed with me? You bet.
Nothing heals that kind of pain...even a trip to Bali. If only life were so uncomplicated.
13
The trip to Bali makes sense. So does whatever causes the couple to stop 'trying'. When I was a child I knew a boy who was adopted after his parents gave up on trying to conceive a child. They now had a child so they relaxed. Then she became pregnant & they had a second, biological child. This is not uncommon.
14
Sorry, but that is not backed up by data. My husband and I adopted a children then I gave birth to a daughter, and we have heard this for over thirty years. It is not at all unusual for people to give birth to a healthy child after years of trying, and studies have shown that the rate of successful pregnancy are not greater for couples who have adopted.
My husband and I are also biomedical scientists, and I worked for years in infertility. We rely on data to explain phenomena, not anecdote. Telling people who are experiencing infertility that they problems would be solved if they just relaxed is very damaging. Telling people they will get pregnant if they adopt and "relax" makes adoption seem to be another to pregnancy and not it's own beautiful way to build a family.
After hearing for thirty years that our adoption led to our successful pregnancy and having to argue and educate for all those years, I am tired of it. Just stop,
44
It actually IS uncommon, so uncommon that you hear the stories of the people to whom it happened. You DON'T hear about the majority where it DIDN'T happen.
14
The author writes that the internet is full of miscarriage stories that then end successfully, almost as if his story will be different. But it isn't. Why publish another one?
55
I can understand how many readers thought the headline was misleading. I was dismayed to read the same unfounded criticisms vehemently insisting on adoption. Clearly many of these strident individuals know nothing about adoption. Adoption is wonderful, but it is a very complex subject. All of you who insist those who give birth to or are struggling to give birth to a child, are "selfish" and should adopt, should take a powder and keep your misguided opinion to yourself.
24
Adoption is not misguided even if you are against it.
1
Adoption is a minefield, lets be candid and not deceive people. The amount fo self selection that leads a woman to give up a child in the 21st century can only give pause. Caveat emptor was never more appropriate. Its hard enough raising ones one biological child that will more likely than not , with your genes, start off life ok. Anyone who doubts this should talk to a judge who has served in any family court.
3
Easy to say when you are not the adoptee, isn't it?
As Stanley Fish (NYT alumnus) was fond of saying: Better think again!
The article is well written but I did find the headline misleading and therefore incredibly insensitive to people who have not had happy endings. And I am not someone who had miscarriages or infertility issues so I can only imagine how painful this article is to those who have.
68
Taking a relaxing vacation did the trick, a take-home message more people can benefit from. But I think the most important thing in "constructing a family" is the cousin advantage. Just one family reunion a year will create the family context you are looking for; and it doesn't only have to be first cousins; second and third cousins count too.
6
Taking a relaxing vacation did not do the trick, it was coincidence. We should all know by now that correlation does not equal causality. If taking a vacation cured infertility all infertile couples would have babies.
The author's wife was most likely experiencing the difficulties that come with old eggs, and she finally got lucky and ovulated a good one. The fact that it happened in Bali had nothing to do with it.
26
Lucy H, thank you for saying this and being a voice of reason, here. The myth that if the couple, especially the woman, just "relaxed" then they would conceive isn't backed up by science. It's often used as a way to blame infertile couples for their lack of success ("Just relax and take a vacation like we did! Don't be so uptight, it'll be fine!"), or assign causal meaning to something that's correlated. For people who have had repeated miscarriages and also difficulty conceiving, (untrue) statements like that from friends, family or myriad online comment boards are incredibly painful.
3
I went through a similar issue many years ago, and we did, after nine years, give up. I’m happy you have your second child, however, I don’t think your story accurately, or positively, portrays singletons. My child is now a well-adjusted and successful adult. And you should know, not all siblings end up being best friends either.
85
So true!!!
8
Such a nice story. I wasn’t prepared for the happy ending and so glad it ended that way!
2
I am so glad for you that you were able to have these two children, and glad for your children that they have each other.
5
Ugh.
Misleading headline.
Insensitive article.
Reminded me of all the articles of Boomers reveling in how great retirement is while literally every generation after them suffers.
73
So happy for you Nick! You and your wife are truly blessed. I hope your boys will be as happy as mine and more immune to misfortune.
1
To resent people who have 2 kids because you only have one.
Good gravy.
45
I was really looking forward to reading a story about people who have experienced infertility, decided to stop trying, and still have a wonderful life without biological children. The decision to stop trying to have children is emotionally wrenching, a years-long grief that never finds its way into print or popular culture. I am so hungry to read stories like mine. I should have known better. This headline was the worst kind of bait and switch, and the miracle baby at the end of a Bali vacation will be repeated, ad nauseum, to so many people struggling with infertility. “But you never know! Don’t give up! This one couple I read about in the New York Time just had to go to Bali to de-stress and then they got a miracle—and at 40!” My congratulations to this father and his family. But for those of you coming to this story looking for the story about infertility resolution you were hoping to see—and who feel punched in the stomach—I’m sorry.
176
YES! THANK YOU!!
4
please change the headline of this piece. it's misleading and made me think it's about someone like me. but it's not about trying to have a child. it's about trying to have a SECOND child. for many of us we couldn't have even "a" child, let alone a second, and we did have to make the heart wrenching decision to stop trying.
106
People that urgently want a child but dont consider adoption are selfish. It also demonstrates that the wish to have children is a purely selfish choice. Its to make oneself feel "happy" but its not in favor of the child, its in favor of the parents. These people are not able to even think of orphans. All they want is there genetically own child. Its nature. Its survival. Its hormones. Its want. Its need.
14
Are you familiar with the adoption process? It’s a long, expensive, emotional process too.
52
Aren’t you judgmental? How many children did you adopt? And by the way, I am a selfish human being who preferred to have her own biological children.
16
....and it's not wrong.
While the emotional truth of the author's response to the initial failures is honest and moving, the insensitivity of the ending, once again a success story, is a narrative betrayal to the many who are still asking the question in the headline. Much more important to publish the not so happy ending stories that may provide survival and resilience stories for the less fortunate young families who seek but do not succeed.
90
I agree that those unsuccessful family stories are a necessary counternarrative to allow despairing parents to have a voice and a community.
21
I had 8 IVF attempts and 5 miscarriages. It all went on much too long and remains heartbreaking, even though my husband and I have gone on to have a happy and fulfilled life. I am glad for others who realize their dreams of parenthood, even having multiple children but I don’t need to go out of my way to be sucker punched. I don’t read these stories and I stupidly read this one thinking it was about people like me. Really insensitive NYT.
101
So, I guess adoption wasn't even a idea to be entertained? I'm sorry, but this approach to growing a family - a biological birth, at any cost - seems wildly dysfunctional.
37
I agree that "family" should be viewed as a social construction and not as a biological construction, and parents should not fetishize biological births, but should consider their parenting to adopted, fostered, neighbor kids to be just as real a family as biological connections.
8
Seriously ? Have thought actually raised a foster children ? Or gone through the adoption gauntlet ? Makes NO sense to adopt when you can have a biological child, none.
"She also had an iron deficiency, but that wouldn’t have been the sole culprit either. Both of these issues were treated with medication"
So you treat the iron deficiency instead of looking for the cause? Anyone with an iron deficiency should be tested for celiac disease, as iron deficiency is one of the disorder's top symptoms. And infertility is another common celiac symptom, probably due to the various nutritional deficiencies it can cause.
6
Many menstruating women have iron deficiency. Very very few women have celiac disease. Those with celiac disease are usually ill and know that they are ill even if they may not know why.
16
As someone with celiac that was overlooked for many years, I appreciate what you wrote. If my physicians had taken that perspective when I was younger, perhaps my course would have been different.
7
@Mary Smith. Undiagnosed celiac is common. And they are not necessarily ill. Some are totally asymptomatic.
Women would have evolved to be able to menstruate without becoming anemic. Now it is possible a woman has abnormally heavy menstruation. Then the question becomes why is it abnormally heavy.
The point of my comment is instead of simply treating symptoms one should look for the cause.
1
Singletons of the world, unite! It can be a wonderful thing to have a sibling, but a cherished only child can also have a wonderful experience growing up with lots of love, resources, and attention from the adults in the family or any nearby cousins.
85
Well, in a world of singletons, cousins are rare!
11
This article would have relevance to the subject if written from the perspective of someone who had no children and did have to give up. The article is about "when do you stop trying". Not sure how the article answers that.
111
This piece really resonated with me. After one miscarriage and countless tests, I found myself pregnant with my son at the age of 40. We also felt strongly about having another child. I always knew I wanted more than one, and like the author, the thought of him growing up alone made me so sad. Our attempts led to one heartbreaking miscarriage after the next. Silent mourning, through holidays and other family events. Seemingly everyone around us parading their multi-child families around. Our last attempt with fertility treatments finally gave us our second baby. A surprise pregnancy after him resulted in hope...and then another loss. Heartbroken again, but at the same time, so thankful and blessed to have our two children.
12
I’m tired of these stories that end like this. As a family that tried far longer w/o success, this headline made me think this was a story for those of us without the happy ending. The NY Times needs more sensitivity in headlines so as not to lead the silent group like my family down the path of yet another happy ending story.
187
I think the point of the story is accepting whatever ending your story is or happens to be, and being happy/content with it.
I thought the piece was beautifully written and had a universal message for all: Your story is what you make of it. You can't control the endings, but you can control how you feel about them. Or as my 4 year old says, "You get what you get and you don't get upset."
8
Exactly. Already having a child isn't stopping to have a child. This was hurtful for those of us for whom the baby never came.
48
Ella, that was an incredibly cruel response. How about a little compassion?
19
Beautiful piece, thanks for sharing your story so eloquently.
13