I grew up in a family where people did things themselves. Painting the house, inside or out? Cleaning the windows? Growing veggies and flowers? Changing the car's tires, oil, or spark plugs? All done by family members. Never mind the minor stuff like cooking, cleaning, doing hems ....
So imagine my guilt when I, first, stopped making my elementary-school-aged kids' lunches, and started paying for the school caf (non-subsidized, ouch!). Then got a cleaning woman to do the 'heavy cleaning' once every two weeks, then every week!
BEST money I ever spent! Such a relief to simply have that extra TIME each day, and each week, usually used to get other important stuff done. Wow. Who knew that those twinges of guilt would seem so small compared to the pleasure of feeling less stressed and rushed....
5
costs of doing this probably about equal to that cable TV. Bet no one complains about the expense of the latter.
1
Wow, talk about rich people problems, even with the token disclaimers. Did they interview any of the Task Rabbits to find out how their relationships were doing?
1
We used to call the tax accountant our “marriage counselor “ because going to him every spring certainly saved us from potential divorce!
1
Great. Now we could argue about the crumby job the robot does, who gets to terminate it and who got it in the first place. Such joy.
1
I agree completely. As a dual income couple we fought a lot over housework. We each had demanding careers and neither of us wanted to spend our limited non-work time on it. Once we hired a housekeeper to come once a week, the difference was dramatic. Our weekends were ours to spend as we wished (spent on activities we enjoyed as a couple) and since this was our number one cause of arguments, the fighting was greatly diminished.
4
I find this surprising: "spending $100 to $200 per month on timesaving services maximized satisfaction, but spending more started to reduce it." - A once-a-month housecleaner is already in that sweet spot. I find it hard to believe that spending more (the occasional babysitter and/or dinner out) would decrease my happiness. In fact, when I think of my colleagues (and myself), I'd be surprised if we aren't all already spending far more than $200 a month on things like babysitters, housecleaning, lawn care, oil changes, dry cleaning, coffee, amazon-delivery (instead of going to the store) etc. Which is to say: I'm skeptical of the $200 limit; if that really is a limit, it seems like the story should be that we're spending too much on timesaving services, and not too little.
2
Shiny happy people
Easier said than done. I couldn't afford any of that stuff, or marriage counseling. Most people can't.
4
We have a housekeeper come once a month to bring us up to "baseline" cleanliness. It's money well spent.
1
Before my wife and I had kids, we didn't really outsource any of our chores even though we could have afforded it. Now that we have two kids under the age of 5, our time is much more constrained - not only the amount but also the flexibility. I asked myself - do I want to spend a beautiful summer evening mowing the lawn or do I want to go for a bike ride with my daughter. Do I want to spend half a weekend day cleaning the house while we ignore the kids or pay someone and come home to a clean house every two weeks and use that weekend time to do something fun.
The article doesn't say you should hire a butler - it's suggesting that spending even a small amount of money to outsource your least liked chore can help your overall happiness. Can everyone on the planet afford this? Of course not, but that doesn't mean that the people who can afford it should deprive themselves. Other goods and services don't receive this treatment, why should help around the house?
2
I could not agree more with this article! and thank you so much to the NYTimes for publishing pieces like this, apparently of not much importance but that, for people like me, serve as a back up to what my gut has been telling me for month: that paying someone just to help with some house cleaning would highly help us to reduce stress! I finally convinced my husband to do it, and he is now happy with the decision.
1
There's a certain irony to being so time constrained because of work demands that you need to buy free time. People chose long commutes so they can afford big houses, then have to work even more to buy stuff to fill them up and hire people to clean and maintain them. They take increasingly high pressure jobs with more and more responsibility to keep up and expand their consumption in pursuit of some nebulous definition of happiness. Instead of trading all your time for money, then trying to buy what precious little remains back, why not cut the hours and the commute and learn to live with less money but more time?
3
I'm not surprised that someone actually poured money into studying this, most likely it was a millennial. Roll up your sleeves folks! Marriage is hard, raising kids is hard, life is hard...and messy and certainly not harmonious most of the time. Don't be so scared to get your hands dirty and don't be so scared of hard work and conflict. Dare I say...you might actually get something out of it!
3
Yuppie solution. OF COURSE if you have more money you can make problems go away, you don't need a PhD for that. This cluelessness is why Trump won. Aren't we lucky.
3
Apps like TaskRabbit are making outsourcing more affordable? Of COURSE they are. Next up: A penetrating NYT expose on the evils of the gig economy.
Oh, New York Times, I love your generally intelligent reporting. But most of these lifestyle and travel articles are so incredibly tone-deaf.
3
Interesting that this article falls under "New Healthcare." It is worth mentioning that privileged individuals, typically white upper middle class, are "outsourcing" labor to colored women for menial pay. Where is the the "new healthcare" impact analysis for the relationships of these women?
6
Two quibbles:
1) Calling this a "first world" solution doesn't really capture how clueless this article is. Even in the "first world", most people do not have the option.
2) I would not really consider eating in restaurants a time saver, unless you call fast food joints restaurants. Preparing and eating at home, takes less time that driving to a restaurant, finding a place to park, waiting for service, waiting for food, etc. For people I know, restaurants are a social or recreational activity, not a time saving activity. If you include eating in fast food joints as a time saving activity, then one is saving time at the expense of health and longevity.
4
Widows, widowers, divorcees, and singles don't have the luxury to fight over chores and who does what.
2
Not true. I am single and even when I was not, I had a house cleaner. I never clean. I could probably get a cook too. I work 50 hours a week in tech. Time is precious.
3
This author has clearly never heard of "the global care chain" (please read Rhacel Parents and Arlie Hochschild's thesis)https://www.wikigender.org/wiki/global-care-chain/ where women in high-income countries pay women in low-income countries (immigrant women who shoulder most of the burden) to clean up and care for their children at very low costs while they depend on women in their countries to clean and care for their young and old. This is often considered modern-day slavery. So being conscious of this cycle of poverty and exploitation should not afford people "more time" to be happy and carefree.
6
The NYT is elitist and tone deaf and should have spent more time on disclaimers concerning the costs.
But I have to say that if you can afford it, a cleaning service is definitely a stress reducer.
1
Nobody divorces because they can’t decide who has to take out the trash. Just because people claim this is a reason, doesn’t make it so. Housecleaning is a safe proxy for other serious issues that might not want to be said or which can’t be articulated. I mean my own ex outright refused to do cooking or any chore he personally disliked but that’s because he was a narcissist. Hiring help wouldn’t change anything. Also - it’s hard to believe this needs to be said - but most of us can’t afford any help at all. For people like me, reading these articles is like saying ‘having a second house at the shore will help your marriage’ or ‘going on four first class vacations a year will help!’ It’s all out of reach for us. This is the vast majority of us.
16
If there’s at least one teenager in the house there should NEVER be issues regarding clean up etc.
Teenagers should be utilized by their parents as a resource. The problem with parents today is that they are afraid to ask their offspring for help around the house. Apparently It’s an archaic expectation to think that children can do chores.
I’m 62 years old and in a late in life relationship. My partner is in her late 50’s and she had a family late in life. I’m the step parent & resent having to take the garbage out & bring the cans in & empty the dishwasher. My own mother wouldn’t let us out of the house on the weekend until our chores were done. Why do today’s parents not realize that they have an under utilized resource in their midsts that in fact needs to know how to properly wash a dish & sort & do laundry ? We’re breeding a bunch of lazy domestic incompetents if you ask me.
4
Beginning at age 8 I was responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry. caring for siblings. Did it till I left at 18. I hated my mother for it. Due to that I admit I did not "make" my kid do much. Part of that conditioning I always ""had to redo" what ever is done because "it was not right". I lowered my standards some when I fell in love with a man that is sloppy, a bit lazy. I knew what I was getting into with him, he has more pros then cons. Our kid knows how to clean house, do dishes, laundry as such, not to my standard but she and husband are happy.
2
This is not smarter living. Indulgence leads to an underachieving, self centered individual with a negative attribution bias.
If you are fighting over chores, you have a problem. If it works for any person in your family to use a mood or violent, antisocial or threatening behavior to ditch maintenance and care of the household, you are strengthening those negative behaviors. hat your family members are learning is it works to be difficult. That is the kind of person you are creating and putting out in the world. You are increasing the odds that this person will fail to thrive and end up dependent on you.
And this is a huge problem.
I am describing Baumrind and Olsen's research on parenting. I am passing along replicated evidenced based research on how to raise a healthy, resilient and productive human being. I have no idea where this writer is getting their big idea. Appeasing one's lower nature is an insatiable journey. People who do not participate in a meaningful way in the care of themselves and others become irritable, restless and discontent.
What's needed? Systems, commitment, and competency. These are the three components of accomplishment. I speak as a woman, a business owner, parent and human development specialist.
Just stop yelling. That is stress. If there is a chronic breakdown in family support systems, be accountable. What is the actual barrier? Order is the first principle of the universe. Skip a chore once in a while, no biggie. No chores, big problemo.
2
A robot vacuum sure helps!
2
They needed a survey to discover this? As my professor husband once said, “it may be sociology, but it ain’t news.”
2
I live in a third-world country and positively know that had it not been for the cleaning lady all these years I’d been divorced ages ago!
5
In what alternative universe can I hire out “a few tasks each month” for “about $100”?
Try getting anyone to come to your house to do any work for $100.
This may be a helpful solution, but only for those who have the money to buy their way out of life’s routine responsibilities. Money thrown; problem solved.
4
When did everyday things that need doing become 'jobs', 'tasks', 'chores', 'challenges', 'work'? If something needs doing we do it and move on. Mind set is quite important, if you benefit someone or yourself by your actions it must be better than thinking of it as unpaid work. When I retired from real work it was essential that I kept active, NOT gym time, hiking, running, swimming, shopping and similar manufactured and often expensive activities (though I do all of these in moderation). What is being considered boring, time consuming, mundane and a 'chore' is the essence of life. Maybe I am a glass half full person, optimist and all round helpful guy but my life is immeasurably better when I do these things with a smile. People in general seem to like me, not because I am a pushover to do their jobs, but my attitude.
8
Just like all things in life, if you like doing it, why not? We have enough saved and could hire everything done but do it ourselves and enjoy most of the supposed chores. We both love to cook, garden, yard work and have the rest of the chores down to a few hours a week. It is how we saved all that money. I wouldn't mind someone to come in and do the cat litter box.
5
So how does one deal with a partner who loves doing chores, no matter how unnecessary or mundane and expects you to take part in the "fun?" Believe me, these types do exist to the detriment of others. They always need to be "doing."
8
Those of us with less disposable income can gain free time by lowering our standards; I simply gave up on a clean house when my son was young.
(I'm a cleaning lady.)
21
The entire premise of this article is SO tone deaf! It paints both the author and the NYT as blind to how so many of our fellow Americans actually live.
Just where does this JERK think the money is supposed to come from?
9
that is it. don't save money. hire others to do work that you do not like. don't send your kids to college. let other persons who pay taxes do it. this might save your marriage for whatever it is worth.
3
My hubby and I have joked that paid cleaning help is much cheaper than divorce.
14
And paid cleaning help is cheaper than therapy... if you can afford it.
2
I was the main cleaner in our household when our children were growing up. I used to feel resentful. I read a book called, "Shelter for the Spirit" by a woman who loves cleaning. The main point of this book is that cleaning is an act of love you do for your family and yourself. It demonstrates care and love. Now when I clean I feel good. Meditation on love while cleaning, mindfully attending to the physical things which support you and your loved ones is not an onerous chore. It is a chance to turn your mind away from the mindless chatter that tells you this is worthless activity and onerous.
9
Shelter for the Spirit is one of my favorite books of all time. I've read it and re-read it many times, and it sounds like it may be time to take it out again.
2
Great idea! I recommend it to men everywhere.
23
People just need to realize there is monetary cost and then there is time cost. For instance, storing something means it will cost you time to move it, keep track of it, keep it clean, on top of valuable space to store it. Chores cost a lot more time. We only have so much time to live, making it very valuable. So instead of looking at an expensive robotic vacuum, think how much you'd pay to have time to do something else.
4
Most people, BEFORE they can 'think how much,' have to 'think where the money is supposed to come from!'
This article is like Mitt Romney not knowing how to use a scanner in a supermarket.
2
That's true, many simply can't afford it or dont wish to sacrifice other spending, but they wouldn't even be concidering it. I think this article is aimed at the middle class or what's left of it anyway.
I don't mind doing laundry -- in fact, the matching of socks, folding of jeans and so forth jibes with my slight (though increasing with age) OCD inclinations. Cooking, too, still has its charms for me. Housework, however, holds no allure nor does it for my partner. Hence, the hiring of a twice monthly house cleaner has made all the difference. He is as beloved to us as we are to each other.
6
I am fortunate enough to have someone come in 2x/month to do the "real" housecleaning - the mopping, scouring, etc. I would gladly trade other discretionary spending like meals out to keep this, as it enhances my family's life greatly. It also motivates us to keep things relatively tidy in the interim, since normal "straightening up" is not one of the services we're paying for. It works for us.
6
In scenarios such as this, the argument quickly falls to, "make the kids do it". The same gets said in my own home when I ask for housework. However, what happens when they leave? I certainly don't plan on them living with us forever so they can do our housework. Nor do I want to teach them that their kids will be housekeepers so that one parent can get out of doing housework.
6
Our family life would be improved by having the money to hire a cleaner, but the economy is not thriving here.
2
The sad reality is that even though many if not most married women in the United States have full-time jobs, married men generally do not do their fair share of housework.
Hiring outside help can bring more happiness to a relationship, but this is not always a practical solution. Not everyone can afford the cost . Further, there are often complications since the paid help must be reliable, honest, trustworthy, etc.
For many working women who also have a family and must take care of the house, there is nothing more romantic then being married to a man who does the shopping, sweeping, vacuuming, cooking, laundry, Etc. Gentleman, if you want more romance in the bedroom, create a romantic and welcoming bedroom atmosphere by changing the sheets, cleaning the floor, dusting the furniture, and making the bedroom inviting.
24
I think it is important to note that in most households it is the women who are expected to do the chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. As a psychotherapist and marriage counselor I can attest to the tensions that result from this, especially when each partner has different standards or expectations regarding the outcome. For this reason, I often encourage couples to outsource their chores. Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers are a lot more costly.
13
You need a study to believe this? Well that's a first world problem right there. Hiring other humans to do one's chores is prevalent in the poorest parts of the world and is found all through history
10
Paying for a cleaning service reduced our arguments about cleaning almost entirely! It was a constant source of bickering...for so many years! For now, we trade our vacation money for cleaning services and we both feel it is entirely worth it.
11
What I believe this article is saying has been replicated in other studies on happiness and satisfaction: paying for experiences results in more satisfaction than paying for things. Outsourcing housekeeping is really paying for experiences -- the experience of time spent playing with the kids, spending time with the spouse, pursuing other activities. We drive cars that are +10 years old, buy new clothes every 2-3 years, have +6 y.o. cell phones, etc. I generally don't replace items until they break or wear out, not because they are the newest or most up-to-date, i.e. my +5 y.o computer & big butt TVs. We use the money saved from not having the newest and most up-to-date items on a cleaning service. It's a matter of priorities. I'd rather have time than things, and am willing to pay for it. My cleaning service didn't save my marriage but made it more satisfying and enjoyable. I'll adjust the household budget to make sure that the cleaning service shows up twice a month. I really ENJOY coming home to clean, sweet smelling house that I didn't have to clean. While my husband has neutral feelings about a house cleaner, he loves coming home to a wife who's guaranteed to be in a good mood at least twice a month. Happy wife, happy life!
12
I totally support Sunrise's comments. I drove a 14-year old car and never had cable (my roof antenna works well enough) and I stream shows, music and movies from my Amazon Prime membership. I do a passable job at housekeeping and laundry but could never keep up with the yardwork. I've had a gardening service for the past 10 years and it has been a lifesaver. My theory is that if a professional can do the work better for an acceptable fee then I'd use that service, and save my energy by accomplishing the work I know I can handle well.
2
This is the type of research that drives me mad. Of course we would all be happier and our partnerships therefore more harmonious if we never had to do a task that was distasteful to us! There was money spent on a research product for this? I have a bridge to sell to the body who funded that project.
4
When I was a teenager, I babysat for a family with four kids--the youngest was probably 3 or 4, the oldest 12. The mom was very organized with age-appropriate household chores for every kid. The little one gathered up the newspapers every day and put them in the trash, while the oldest dusted and vacuumed. After their baths, each kid went to the basement with their dirty clothes and put them in a color-appropriate laundry bin. The mom didn't have outside help, but she made her life a lot easier by harnessing the kid power in her own home. Her house was spotless.
33
She is lucky in having such well behaved and helpful children!
1
Grammar nerd here.
Shouldn't the subtitle say "...housework we dislike"
(instead of "disliked")?
4
True, but why worry about grammar when the premise of the article is so elitist?
2
I see it the other way round:
Why worry about non-consequential elitist views when a person lacking command of grammar is writing for the New York Times?
While this article can be criticized as being tone-deaf to class, I don't think it actually is. He's just saying that if you have any disposable income, spending what you have on help with chores as opposed to something else will yield greater benefits. It's a good point, actually. There are many levels of this kind of help now - traditional things such as once or twice a month cleaning services are not actually out of reach price-wise for most people, if they can scrimp and save elsewhere. And as the article mentions, the gig economy has opened this kind of work up on an ad hoc basis as well - e.g., taskrabbit. The folks who immediately jump to the "oh I wish I could afford a maid" mockery are missing both the point of the article and also the technological developments of the past ten years that have made this type of help available to a much greater swath of society than it was previously.
13
If you don't think this article is 'tone-deaf to class,' take another look at the picture.
Would YOU even THINK to buy that robotic pair?
1
Hiring someone makes you a job creator. If you can afford it, you should hire someone to shovel snow, mow the grass, paint the porch, clean the bathroom , cook the dinner, do the laundry, bookkeeping etc.. Too many people refuse to do their part to spread the wealth to those who need jobs. And if you can spend quality time with your family while employing the unemployed, you are a good citizen.
31
Ban self-reliance in the first-world!
3
The article isn't saying to outsource ALL of the housework; that's hardly possible unless you have a live-in maid. A twice-monthly cleaning isn't magic because the daily chores still need to be done, unless you don't use any clothes, dirty any dishes, don't create any dust, and don't walk on the floor, don't use the toilet, etc. In other words, the only way that a house stays clean between bimonthly cleanings is - gasp - if somebody actually does a lot chores in the meantime.
4
What makes you think that house stays clean between visits? That's why they're so glad to see me.
1
We "outsourced" our cleaning to a maid service. Late one Friday evening my wife was scrubbing the bathroom floor. I asked her a simple question, "What is your billing rate dear?" This was a somewhat snarky way of asking, "What is your cleaning up really costing us?" Maid service started the next week.
11
Wow. This article is clearly aimed at the upper 10%, those who have enough income to hire servants. The majority of US citizens are struggling to pay the rent, buy their medications, and, if they're lucky, save for their kids' college expenses.
Sorry, but this is the kind of tone-deaf article that makes people think that the NYT is by and for the coastal elite.
8
I think you missed the point. The author is saying that this is for people with some disposable income (i.e., not everyone). So instead of going to the movies twice a month with your disposable income, use the money for a cleaning service.
In my area it costs 80$ for someone to come. That is $160 per month (twice a week for us). But we don't do family vacations, never eat out with kids, don't have date nights that require babysitters, we have only one 2009 model car. We get our clothes from the thriftstore.
So, of course, we are clearly people that have 160 per month to spend on "luxuries" like a movie, date night, nicer clothes, a nicer car or one car payment, but we'd rather not argue about cleaning than do those other things.
9
Uhmm, my parents did outsource chores they hated. They gave to us.
13
This is SO out of touch with the reality of the majority of the US population.
- The location - a green open space with a bronze statue in the background. Who lives anywhere like this but the 1%?
- No one I know has the room in their apartment for the robot vacuum cleaner, much less the humanoid one.
- No one I know could afford these things, and certainly no one in my walk-up apartment building has $100 - $200 a month 'extra' to outsource house chores.
At least The Times does sometimes. cover 'real' life as well as wedding parties in Tahiti and on the Amalfi Coast, and I appreciate that.
6
You don't have to hire an expensive cleaning service; there are plenty of reliable people who clean for a living by themselves as a business, and they usually charge less. You also don't have to hire ALL of the housework done, which isn't possible anyway unless you have a live-in maid, and almost nobody does that anymore; you can just hire someone to do the heaviest cleaning once a month or so for a couple of hours. For example, have someone give your kitchen a spring cleaning, or clean up your bathroom of all that built-up hard-water scale. So, we're talking about $40 every month or two. On the other hand, if you're good at cleaning, why not become a self-employed cleaner yourself? Don Aslett wrote a couple of books about how to start your own cleaning service just like he did. You just need yourself and some cleaning supplies.
4
I don't know where you live (somewhere there are lots of undocumented immigrants willing to work for peanuts?) but around here a cleaning lady is $35+ per hour - IF you can even find someone. Lawn service is $80+ per week.
1
This is a very silly article.
Suggestions:
1. Live in a smaller house.
2. Require that children share in chores
3. Cook once a week and use up over the next six nights
4. If you really must, then a home cleaning service once a month.
1
I agree with both letter and spirit of these suggestions, but having a smaller house does not mean that it's automatically easier to keep clean!!
4
Yes, it can be harder because clutter becomes more concentrated and there is no place to store extra stuff
Make your kids do it. More chores as they get older and can do more. You're teaching them an essential life skill (both cleaning and time management!) and their future roommates and partners will appreciate it.
Seriously, I am no neat freak but the number of entitled adults who either can't or won't clean up after themselves is appalling. (This is why office break rooms tend get disgusting.) Oh, you're not a maid? Neither are the rest of us.
4
I don't think you're getting the gist of the article. Hiring someone to clean for a couple of hours twice a month isn't going to prevent cleaning between times unless you don't wash clothes, don't walk on the floor, don't create dust, don't use any dishes, don't take showers or use the toilet, etc. Unless your idea of "clean" is a pigsty.
5
Really one of the most ridiculous ideas I've head in a while. Household chores create character and sense of responsibility. House projects can create a greater sense of teamwork and unity. Of course it's easier to be more harmonious with others if all we do all day is sit on the couch. America, time to cowboy up and stop being so lazy. Quit thinking technology is going to make you a better person or make your life more harmonious.
3
I don’t mind housework at all. Is there someone out there who would like a househusband?
27
my basis thesis - each partner does what they enjoy or don't mind doing and do well
My partner cooks delicious food, and does my laundry.
I keep track of money and pay for everything, repair stuff and take out the rubbish.
Whoever's in the kitchen at the time washes up.
When I lived in a share house decades ago another guy hated washing up but enjoyed cooking. So he cooked and I washed up.
As he'd cook basic root vegs like pumpkin and potato, carrot - cheap as - friends were invited to stay for dinner - and we had an average of ten people for dinner every night. They didn't have to cook or wash or pay so everyone loved it. Social central. Ah - thems were the daze ...
1
"Some don’t have the luxury of paying others to cook for them." I got a kick out of that. In the world where I live, MOST don't have that luxury. In fact, FEW do.
4
Do you get coffee at Starbucks? Do you grab a burger from McDonalds? Go to a fast-casual place like Chili's or a nicer place like a steakhouse? You're paying for others to cook for you. If you stay away from those places, cook your meals and bag-lunch your leftovers (and get rid of your cable subscription and stop buying stuff mindlessly - bonus) you'd have plenty of money to hire a cleaning service once a month, or a weekly lawn service. Look at your budget and prioritize on the things that spark joy.
Interesting to read comments from people who probably see value in everyone spending money on things like expensive vacations or going to the movies, but bad mouth hiring someone to help clean the house. I have no interest in much of what people with supposedly little money seem to figure out how to buy, but help cleaning is a priority for me. I don’t judge them, not sure why I wouldn’t get the same courtesy.
10
The majority of people can't afford to go on vacation, and can maybe afford to go to the movies a few times a year. Spending eighteen dollars a year to see one or two movies is not equivalent to spending eighteen dollars an hour, every week.
I have a full-time job and an hour and a half commute, yet take great pride in scouring my little old New England Cape—which I share with four rescue animals—from ceiling to floor every weekend, and admiring my handiwork.
2
I am 62 years young, a FurMom to three precious labs, live on 2.5 acres, do yard work, sew, cook, workout, do the wash, and up until 3 years ago, cleaned our home. I couldn't keep up with myself, and I wasn't able to enjoy the property, or enjoy sewing time. It was a race almost every day. While I enjoy our housekeeper every two weeks, and yes, it's a relief for both of us, I am grateful, at a, young age, my Mom forced me to learn all the above, please how to clean house- especially bathrooms. I worked for a florist, and knew most of the flowers/plants, and landscaped our houses. I worked for a 5 star hotel, specializing in weddings. I understood menu planning,
hors d'oeuvres, and wines. I actually took fabric from my home for a chuppah; my bride was so pleased! I felt proud! Will I ever clean my home again! Probably, but for now, I will enjoy the breeze (and the view of red hydrangeas) with a glass of wine, and sew another dog bed. woof woof! Oh, I how I miss my Mom! :-)
14
Generally i think that hiring people to do cleaning or yard work chores is a sensible thing to do , especially for those in jobs with long hours, lots of travel, or other stressors. However, I didn’t see much about the role children can and should play in helping to maintain a house and home!
For about 10 years, our 5 kids did most of the housekeeping chores in a very large house with one dog, including the dishes after dinner, and they did them very well indeed. Allowances depended in part on getting weekly chores done before being able to do other things, such as sports. They still remember 30 years on what was expected of them, albeit sometimes ruefully
But those with kids of their own today sometimes lament that their own progeny don’t pull their own weight around the house and yard. Absolutely mystifies me as to why not - but i think something has indeed been lost over the years in terms of what parents can expect in the way of contributions from children to a well-cared-for home and a close-knit family.
4
Even single women I knew sometimes saved their sanity by hiring a modest amount of household help. They didn't have anyone else to get angry at for not helping --
In the relationship I had, this would definitely have made more and less stressful time for family activities, as well, which is so important when no one is home until late or totally exhausted on weekday nights.
11
Tremendous news. Paying for all the chores we really hate will save many marriages.
What are children being taught if cooking, cleaning, and other task a family shares are considered to stressful and result in divorce. Oh, but there are people who will perform the work and are just so happy to save their parents marriage.
Children will grow up believing they can be happy at work and home if only work as a family...just play.
Another separation of those that have and those that serve the upper class.
5
Judith, thank you for pointing out the effects on children of their parents' role-modleing. Not only would the outsourcing of chores deprive the family of the opportunity to teach cooperation and industry, it would teach these children that outsourcing is the right way to manage a household. Underlying it all is the notion that the family lives in a "house" (or apartment) not a "home." Caring for a house is work; caring for a home is love.
2
And what makes you so sure outsourcing isn't the right way to manage a household?
2
This post made me recall my teenaged years (late 60s/early 70s) and washing dishes with my sister. We would listen to the hit parade on the radio and talk about all the stuff that happened at school, etc. Not only did we get the kitchen cleaned after dinner, it was a great time for us as sisters.
1
This is a great idea, and it might well have saved my marriage.
When I was raising my son, I spent time with him, volunteered at his school, cooked 20 fresh meals a week, built a house, and managed our investments. Then sometimes in the evening my wife and I would argue about who should clean up after dinner.
Now I realize that it would have saved so much stress on our relationship if we had just hired someone to help with the housework. I wonder why we didn't do that.
Oh, now I remember, we couldn't afford it!
13
I guess your wife cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, dusted, changed sheets, did the grocery shopping, brought your son to his activities and doctor's appointments, helped him with his homework and so on, but you still haven't noticed.
9
If you had enough money that you needed time to manage investments, you could have afforded a cleaning service a couple times a month. And you would have had more time with your son while he was growing up, and and there could have been less tension in your marriage. That time is gone; and the pile of money won't compensate for that.
The new health care? I don't think so. It's a slippery slope of insatiable quests to attempt to appease our lower ordered nature of sloth and the like. Less effort is simply less skill building. This just isn't going to end well. This could also be a recipe for permissive parenting style which results underachieving, self centered children with a negative attribution bias, according to Baumrind, Olsen and other research coming out of developmental psychology.
Is it possible the parents are not equipped to be calm?Lack systems? The three components of accomplishment are commitment, competency and systems.
The recipe for healthy human and group development consists of five ingredients:
1. A safe base through caring relationships that generate a sense of belonging.
2. Skill building: emotional, physical, mental and social
3. Relatable and Attainable expectations that are clear and high
4. Meaningful participation
5. Community Involvement.
Avoiding conflict is not a remedy. Conflict resolution can be reduced by having clear boundaries, and if the kids can fight there way out of doing chores, is that because they are oppositional? Feisty kids need structure and direction. Order is the first principle of the universe, people. Stop being lead by your mood. A sense of accomplishment is satiating. What we do around here is have fun. We pump up the music once a week and do the deep clean. We all cook once week too. And also pick up as we go. No biggie. You can do this.
2
I no longer do laundry. Once a week or so, I put the laundry in a big cloth bag, a young man picks it up, next day he brings it back, clean and folded. Well worth the money. And I’m retired.
20
Intense commentary here. I will say: my wife and I are not wealthy, but we pay a local woman to help us clean twice a month. We both work, and care about each other’s careers. When we break down the time we’d spend mopping or scrubbing, it’s worth it to us to build the expense into our budget. I’m not sure the outrage over paying someone to clean is warranted. We pay people to stock the shelves at the grocery, or pick the fruit we eat, or paint the lines on the roads we drive, or remove our waste from our driveway. There are thousands and thousands of people who make income from cleaning. Not paying them to clean doesn’t elevate their education or get them another “better” job.
31
Most of us don't fix our own cars, paint our own houses, or sew our own curtains and preserve our own food anymore, either. It would be nice, though, to pay a living wage to those we hire.
2
The big question of morality for the authors and researchers is only in part hiring someone to do undesirable work. It's suggesting that households should hire people to do their chores, as if everyone can afford such services. Some can, many cannot. Suggesting money can, indeed, buy happiness? The rich are not like us, they can afford staff?
3
I worked with low income families. The possibility of paying rent, or house payment and enough good food for the month made the whole family happy.
1
How amusing! I understand the value of finding someone else to take on chores, but in two-earner households - which are the only ones where $100-$200 per month could be spent without pain - eating out or pursuing food delivery services is the norm, often at great risk to family finances. Suggesting that even more money can easily be carved out of the family budget to pick up other chores is, for these families, a dream.
The alternative - preparing dinner at home, every night - takes time, which can be a challenge when both spouses work no matter your generation.
Home cooking is fun, can be relaxing and might even have meditative value. But if your family wants dinner when they are hungry at the end of the work and school day, timeliness rules.
There is ony one way for super-busy families to meet the timeliness requirement: discipline, which is easily the most difficult skill no matter the setting.
3
I wish I thought cooking was fun. I want to get better at it, but there's so much invisible work to it. I can manage it twice a week, tops.
5
All the moralizing in these comments! Maybe it is wrong to hire people to do routine maintenance, although I know people with very modest incomes who do so. But much maintenance is not so routine. Instead of getting mad at the other spouse for breaking a bathroom fixture -- extra mad because neither has the experience in fixing it (which may involve driving to Home Depot) -- why not pay one who not only knows but may be doing this work partly because he/she enjoys mechanical problem solving, or at least likes demonstrating their skill. More routine maintenance like indoor painting and yard work can be done with more satisfaction and better results by an experienced person. I'm sure there are many people working in morally compromised jobs like marketing who would rather spend most of their days doing gardening professionally. Concerning food preparation, people may cook at home most of the time,but paying someone fairly often could result in more variety of tastes as well as less stress.
More people could thus have jobs that they like. This could especially benefit people without great credentials, although there is the issue of encouraging more illegal immigration.
The moralizing comments tend to minimize the issue of overwork endured by so many in American society. And I don't see the economic problems being as serious as many here do. For example, I don't see a lot of junker cars driving around.
12
Sometimes the spouse and I have a money-fight where we throw fistfuls of money at each other and have a good laugh. Then we get the maid to clean it up for us.
25
Studies have found that male spouses who share household chores are rewarded with more frequent sex. None of those studies studied me.
7
I have a cleaner come twice per month and it has saved my family life. I no longer feel aggrieved that I am the ONLY one who notices the dust bunnies and does something about it. The bathrooms, kitchen and common areas are cleaned, bedrooms are up to the kid who lives in them - the only rule is that laundry goes in the hamper and vacuuming is done once per week. My cleaner is a local woman whose business I am supporting. I don't feel guilty since she relies on her job and my house for her income - which is cleaning my house - and she is worth her weight in gold.
49
Thank you for referring to her as a 'cleaner'. It's really time to drop the word 'maid'.
1
The "We" here is an absurd elision.
1
While working full time, I suggested having someone come in and clean - at least once a month -- and HIS response was --NO, he would do it and "we" should pay him. I should have divorced him sooner.
70
Correct
10
JaySUOOOZ!
I kinna believe it!
Such "outsourcing of housework" existed before I was born, Frakt. itm was called maid service.
The idea of doing your own came in when the hippies in the East Village- then occupying some of the future's most valuable small apartment real estate in NYC, they might have kept and made their own for 2 figures, when it was rent controlled(40 to 80 dollars a month), but almost nobody down
in the village below 14th st., wanted to do the dishes, no one swept or cleaned the bathroom and the roaches ran wild with rats in undiscarded garbage. This made for non existent relationships and no one who lived on east 3rd street and avenue A renting an apartment in 1966 is there now.
My mother, who came from Australia had maids to clean house but it didn't save the family, and it merely left holes in the day during which, otherwise inteligent and loving adults could argue over who did what when, with whom, and lots ot time to call other people's lawyers who made their livings tearing the flesh and life out of salvageable marriages and then gnawing their bones, all so they could ensure they could buy a third home, new cars and Harvard educations for their kids.
Learn to do the laundry-it might teach you why to use cold water and why low suds are bet. Do your own floors, it's good exercise, besides taking your minds off the penny-ante complaints couples or adult friends come up with in the absence of honest sweat and labor.
3
Sorry, but if you can't figure out how to share the vacuuming between you, you've got bigger problems than lack of a housekeeper.
8
We must be an unusual family. My husband and I chip in pretty evenly on taking care of the home, and it's not that big of a deal to us. I actually like cleaning, to some degree. It's relaxing and I have a feeling of accomplishment, considering that my work that I get paid for is research, teaching and writing - i.e. work that can be very sedentary and never feels like it's complete or satisfactory. I like the feeling of putting care and time into our home, and I don't feel like it takes time away from our family; we chat, listen to music, and hang out while cleaning.
10
All very well - if you can afford it. Many can't and just have to work, not only around the house, but on having harmony in their marriage.
7
Wait, research shows that having enough money to pay for things you don't want to do makes you happier? What a REVELATION! Wow, if only we all had extra money to outsource unsavory household chores - we could all have happier marriages. This research is only barely useful to the 10% of people who have enough money to do this but aren't doing it. The rest are either wealthy enough and do it already, or the bottom 40% of income earners (which probably don't read the New York Times to begin with) who make less than $50k/year can't afford to follow this advice. People are already thinking about this and making trade offs to save for college, pay off student debt ahead of time, save up for a house, etc. Thank you captain obvious - now subsidize my maid service to save my marriage.
This research and the context in which it is presented here is elitist at best and completely blind at worst.
11
Really? One quarter of divorces happen over housework? How small, insecure and petty can people be - that they would destroy the most important relationship in their lives over this? Life is messy, and you need to clean up after yourself and your offspring. You also need to teach your kids to do the same. If you can't, you don't deserve the company of another human being. Unbelievable.
8
I think the argument over housework causing a divorce is not the real cause of discord, just a symptom.
Silly me - I thought I was doing all this work because I couldn't afford to hire someone else.
8
textbook example of first world solution to universal problem?
3
you mean like raising the kids?
How very bougie. I wonder how the cleaner resolves his or her marital problems. We don't have servants (cut out the fancy word "outsourcing") because we can't stand the idea of buying time on the backs of another person.
3
Why do we find it acceptable to outsource food preparation by eating out or getting take-out but criticize those who outsource housecleaning. Both involve paying low-wage workers to do a task you would rather not do.
38
From an economist's perspective, you're correct: labor is labor, wages are wages. And so, yes, we pay cooks to make Thai food or mechanics to change the oil in our car. Thankfully, though, most of us are not economists, and so we know that jobs have meaning. To pay a cook, and to be a cook, means something different than to pay a housecleaner or to be a housecleaner, and to scrub a wealthy person's toilet in order to pay one's bills--that is to clean up after people who are wealthy enough to have the luxury to decide that cleaning up after themselves is not a worthy or cost-effective use of their time. I am not judgmental, and I have no personal objection to the choices that others make about how to spend their time and $$$, but wish only that they would be bluntly honest about their decisions, and not pretend that they are, to use the language of economists and the GOP, "job creators."
7
As someone whose paid work is quite abstract, I've always found it immensely satisfying to clean my own house. In addition to getting me off my backside, it provides me with immediate gratification and a sense of accomplishment. It can also be quite a stress reducer. When things are tidy and attractive, I feel better.
Admittedly, I'm not always in the mood to clean - so I wait until I am.
Maybe I'm nuts but I also have this notion that doing practical things is good for us. I like knowing I can take care of myself.
None of this is to deny that there are moments in life when it makes a great deal of sense to hire a housekeeper if you can afford it. There are only so many hours to the day and it is good to know your limits.
17
If you’re paying for these services and you have kids you can’t complain about college costs. Put the little scholars to work.
7
...and if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. The Jetsons were middle class, back when we Had a rising middle class.
2
I have called our monthly house cleaners our “marriage preservation program,” since early in our relationship it became obvious that our housekeeping styles varied tremendously.
24
Your headline should read, "Family life would be more harmonious if the average American family had the resources to "outsource" the housework we disliked".
12
While you make your hypercapitalist lifestyle more comfortable, are the cleaners being paid a living wage, have access to union membership, health benefits, and childcare while they clean the additional rooms and items you don't need? Are they using non-toxic cleaning products that are safer for them and the environment?
If you're going to outsource what you don't want to do and fall back on the liberal and conservative alike excuse "I'm giving someone a job!!" then at least make it a job that's worth having.
White Americans are raised to believe they're too good for certain jobs. When I suggested the 19 year old who works at our office could do more to keep the bathrooms tidy, the response from my manager was "she's not a maid." The task of taking out an overflowing wastepaper basket is apparently below her pay grade while she plays with her phone half the day.
11
Who would ever contract with a union to clean their personal house? We are talking about basic person-to-person transactions here, there is no need for unions or government regulation of cleaning supplies, for crying out loud!
7
Which "white Americans" are you speaking of? I was raised to believe that there was no job beneath me and there was dignity in doing a job well. We don't all live like the Ewings of Dallas or the Desperate Housewives of Wherever.
4
Why is it that so many people think work that is traditionally considered to be the responsibility of women should be unpaid?
32
The root of this problem is that men are acculturated to value their time and work over that of women, regardless of the dollar amounts involved -- and that many women are acculturated to believe the same. Indeed, both agree that women should not only do the shitwork, but should be grateful for the opportunity. Thus, the woman of the house is implicitly, if not explicitly, left with the tasks of either doing this work or assuming the burden of diverting (possibly scarce) household funds to, and managing, some other person, who, she understands, likes it even less but has less choice, to do it.
This difference in valuation of one gender over the other plays out in many other aspects of life and of our entire social structure; housework is only one arena of disparity. Why, for example, after all the decades of women's struggle, can't we achieve a goal as simple as equal work for equal pay? Why do equally educated women achieve less career success? Why is this majority of the population under-represented in public office? The researchers need to delve deeper to study the broader psychological and sociological context of the housework phenomenon. Even in rich families, there is only so much that can be bought with money.
19
As a single professional, a house cleaner is essential for me.
16
Hated the housework squabbles. Hired a young housekeeper when in our early 30s. We both worked. Problem solved. Still have the same housekeeper 30 years later.
Coming home to a spotless house at the end of a busy work week is heaven. Money well spent.
30
Must be nice to be affluent enough to to afford such help. The rest of us will just have to muddle through I guess, even if it means fighting about the dishes.
3
Gee!! If we all had unlimited disposable income life would be just marvelous and so much easier. A chauffeur to drive the kids to all their events would be great and a real life saver. Articles like this just plain annoy me--my life would be better if there were fewer!
6
Is $100 a month like the article suggest really ‘unlimited’ disposable income? It’s less than two days pay on minimum wage and the vast majority makes well more than minimum! So much emotion in this comment section! Everyone gets to choose how they spend their own money and it’s clear that many here don’t understand the concept of a budget. Cut something else if you want to add something - it’s not rocket science, it’s just math.
17
Demanding jobs prevent us from cleaning; thriftiness and a healthy attitude towards mess prevent us (or at least me) from caring. Somehow, we survive.
6
It isn't that hard to clean a bathroom or kitchen or mop a floor! And it doesn't take that long, either, especially if done regularly. Turn on some tunes and get to it. It's not bad exercise, at that. How about getting the kids (if there are any) to lend a hand? Cleaning up after yourself is part of growing up and taking responsibility for your actions. If two adults can't agree on how to clean up after themselves, no wonder their relationship is in trouble.
7
No one says it’s hard, but it is empirically unpleasant and time consuming. What’s the point of working your butt off on overtime at a high-skill job if you wont spend a little bit of that hard earned money on small quality of life improvements? It’s just a little spending to reduce stress on low-skill stuff that has to be done. It doesn’t matter who does the work.
14
I am trying to understand the mindset of the commenters here who apparently feel that they are too good to clean up after themselves. They apparently believe that their time is so valuable that they should pay recent immigrants or other low-wage workers to clean up after them. I can understand why people who can afford the expense make this choice, but I hardly consider it admirable.
6
The answer is not to hire help. That does not solve the problem of couples not being mature enough to just do what is necessary to keep a house clean. At work one doesn't refuse to do a task because you don't like it. You just do it. The same should be true at home. Mature adults who have chosen to live together simply do the necessary tasks because they truly comprehend the value of housework as well as saving the energy they might spend on fighting about it for the fun things in life. If they can't do that then marriage counseling, not a housekeeper, is the answer.
4
In 21st century America, standards for everything are pretty high, and it's not easy to give up control over "all these things" even if we resent the time we spend on them. In an ideal world, everyone in the house takes care of everything in the house, because the sinks, the floor, the dinner and the laundry are used and owned by everyone, not just Mom. And yes, it takes time. Kids do need to know how to clean a sink and a floor and make dinner and wash clothes and know you don't just snap fingers and it's done.
I would recommend we find a new time for things that look like this: "sharing apps like TaskRabbit." There is NO sharing going on here. None. The gig economy offers people the opportunity to do work at prices generally lower than or at just about the same as minimum wage. More like low-level pink collar. If you care about other human beings, don't use these.
And regarding the Stanford staffers who were rewarded with time saving services for doing good works: An interesting and nice experiment. And then what happened when it went back to the original system?
2
Life in totality is better outsourcing housework. I have had a maid service for 20 years and would never think of doing myself (no help from husband). My shutters and furniture are dusted keeping me from an asthma attack if I had done myself. My stove looks like new despite a few years of usage. My baseboards are clean. In general, so worth the money and keeps your house in model condition. The only ones that disagree with me are my two cats who hide behind the sectional for 2 hours every other week.
14
One thing I would advise young couples is to budget a regular housekeeper if at all possible. The main recurring fight in our young marriage was solved by hiring a housekeeper. After some trial and error we found a good one who has worked with us for over a decade. It's worth every penny. If you asked my wife she wouldn't even be able to tell you the last time she mopped, vacuumed or scrubbed something. Those aren't life skills- they're unpleasant but necessary menial tasks. Free up your Saturday morning to do something more pleasant and support a small business who is grateful for the work. Win-win.
31
Cleanliness isn't the issue; it's the often different definitions and degrees of spotlessness and organization that is.
A husband may put forth a good faith effort to clean up and the wife may find it unacceptable and not up to her standards, resulting in a fight where one doesn't feel appreciated and the other doesn't feel listened to.
Even as a grade schooler, I remember being flabbergasted at the neatly organized pencil boxes of the girls in my classes.
I think the roots of the problem (if that's what it is) begin around there.
7
They began before that in terms of the expectations from birth for little girls to be quiet and neat and little boys to be loud and messy.
The pencil boxes are a reflection of that.
18
Yup. I once tried to file my spouse's endless papers. That didn't go well. 15 years later, I can find any record or document of mine within seconds. My spouse has to hunt for days to find important papers. I tried.
1
My house got cleaner the older my kids were. They stopped leaving things everywhere, stopped things like seeing exactly how much water fit in the tub before it overflowed, and started doing the daily and periodic cleaning. If you have kids, skip an afternoon activity or two and teach them how to use a mop.
16
I love having a house cleaner. Life is short, and I have better things to do than cleaning toilets, and so does my husband. When I was younger and married to another man, we did not have enough money for a cleaner and I begrudged every moment spent doing household chores, even though my then-husband helped. The stress of housework was not the main reason for our divorce but it did not help. I would much rather pay somebody else to clean, and I don’t feel guilty about it. There is nothing demeaning in doing housework or childcare for others. It is a job like any other job. I pay my cleaner well and treat her with respect. The outrage some people express over the idea of having servants is an index of American Puritanism.
56
Had the same service for 20 years. Thanks to Reagan the owner is a citizen. She came here at 16 in a car trunk and worked hard to develop her business. She is now a grandmother with 3 children born here.
28
I have cleaners come in every two weeks, and a lawn service that mows weekly, and shovels snow. They are all well paid and I am thrilled. I do plenty around my home, run my own business and have an aggressive work schedule. For me it is more cost effective to outsource this work, and anyway, it makes me happy. I love a clean house, hate to clean it. I love tending a garden, but hate to mow. This makes me happy so don't try to give me guilt.
54
That's what we call an effective and efficient division of labor! Well done!
6
Or, how about just grow up! We all have obligations we don't love. That's life.
As for disagreements over housework causing divorces, are the sociologists who study this issue so naive? These points of friction are merely the manifestations of deeper issues, most likely rooted in the the partners' immaturity and lack of insight into themselves and their spouses, and if it weren't housework conflicts it would be some other issue that would manifest the underlying problem.
Talk about first-world issues! Sheesh!
19
I agree with what you are saying; but I would just point out that servants or maids or whatever variation on the status and terminology you want to use, are really common in non-"first world" countries too.
10
Very much the first world solution to the problem: “Simply hire a brown person to do the chores you dislike.”
So you can get on to the truly important things in your life, like saving your dysfunctional marriage
18
The problem may be marriage in the first place. Anyone who believes staying with one partner their entire lives and only having sex with that person for the next 40 plus years is living in a fantasyland.
5
I grew up in a house where my mother often had a housekeeper come in, depending on where our military family was located. She did not work outside the home, either. The times we did NOT have a housekeeper everything was fine: you wouldn't want to eat off the floor, but we all survived it.
Cleaning, cooking, laundry, lawncare, gardening, etc., are all life skills that everyone needs to learn. We are all better at some than at others.
Perhaps the readers of NYT have more disposable income than most. If you don't, do what you can, ask your partner to do what they can, and LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. My former partner used to snipe about how the things I did weren't up to par. FORMER partner.
23
I find a house cleaner to be a huge help in getting my spouse onboard with household work. He’s the first to gripe about s dirty house and the last to pick up a sponge and do something about it. Paid help gets him picking things up and getting ready so they can wipe off and vacuum. It definitely saves time over attending counseling!
42
A housekeeper also helps get the kids on board with keeping their room(s) picked up: “Mary’s coming tomorrow, so get your stuff together or she won’t be able to clean” motivated our kids for years. If Mary couldn’t get in to clean their rooms, they had to do it themselves on the weekends, to my standards.
Mary cleaned for us for almost twenty five years and was our kids’ preferred sitter. We recommended her to friends, so she had a steady stable of customers. We paid her well and sponsored her for citizenship. When we moved out of state, it was like leaving a member of the family behind.
5
In a nut shell. Family hated doing dishes and woud fight constantly about who would do. AHA! They purchased a dishwasher. Voila! Now they argue about who will load/unload...
Doing chores in the family helps everyone be a part of the whole, it can teach responsibility and it allows the family to engage and work out problems...all skills that humans need. Whats all the fuss about?
7
The fuss is that it is common for certain members of the family to not clean up.
Hiring a cleaning service is one way to cope with that.
21
People who divorced over housework (a) had bigger problems and (2) need to ponder marriage more beforehand.
7
Fighting and divorcing over housework is just a symptom of the inability to work together for reasonable solutions that take both people into consideration. What blocks that is the problem.
The topic doesn’t matter. It could just as easily be sex or inlaws or money. But chores are not inconsequential to the person who is left to do most of them without that agreement.
It’s the disrespect felt that is often the real issue causing the divorce.
24
This article helps me understand why the proletariat revolted against the bourgeois.
34
And doesn’t it also help you understand why the same proletariat went back to a capitalist economy after seventy years of being the dominant class in the USSR? Perhaps it’s better to clean toilets and be well paid than to engage in sloganeering on an empty stomach.
9
That's how I feel about Betsy deVos (and the Mnuchins, for that matter), like the French revolution makes more sense to me.
6
I find that it makes my life much easier to have a smaller house and a smaller property to take care of, and assign tasks to each household member. Part of the problem of housework is the insane size of houses and the demands that non-native plants be maintained over excessively large properties. This also causes sprawl, traffic, hateful commutes, etc.
42
Right. The lawncare problem could be solved by planting a no-care meadow or, as I did, clover. The bees are happy, the rabbits are happy and I am happy not burning fossil fuel and spewing pollution or wasting water. My lawn is the prettiest on the block, too, with no chemicals and no watering.
16
You needed a study for this? Of course. However, most people cannot afford to do this.
10
I worked for a year in Kuwait. If you want to see the end state of inequality and a servant-master mentality I suggest you go for a visit. The year I worked in Ethiopia I was able to control my own housing and thus I cleaned my hotel suite every weekend, without the help of the great people working at the hotel.
Have traveled around the world a bit for work and much more for exploration and adventure. There are better ways to structure an economy than requiring 30% of a society to work as an underpaid servant class.
All humans deserve as much dignity and value as we can make happen. Every human that physically can clean their own toilet should clean their own toilet.
40
This the best comment. No one is too important, or too busy, to clean up after themselves. Yet, every society with which I am familiar assumes women into a social, financial, political and moral underclass. Men can do this because they are physically stronger, and women are further disabled by childbearing. A vast structure of laws and customs designed to keep half the world enslaved by the other can easily be enforced with those two advantages. But, as with any enslavement, the best tool is to avoid the need for costly and time-consuming physical brutality by making the captives believe this is what they deserve.
1
We fought a lot over housework in our first year of marriage. We didn’t have much money, but we paid for a house cleaner. 30 years later, still happily married and still with the same housecleaner. A worthwhile investment for sure!
44
We fought a lot over housework for awhile after getting married. Then we sat down as a couple and talked about it, agreeing that both of us wanted a reasonably clean and neat house, that both of us contribute to the need for cleaning, deciding how we would schedule and divide up the chores between us because we did not have enough money to scrounge up for a house cleaner or other outside help. Still together over 20 years later, both still pulling our own weight in keeping the housework under control, acting like responsible adults who can take care of themselves just fine. This article and paying anyone to research this is barking up the wrong tree.
17
My husband and I are both slobs and were unable to tolerate each other’s messiness. Our children, now in their 20s, are neat people and will never need a house cleaner. In fact, our kids sometimes tell us to clean up when they come over. We could never have pulled off being “responsible adults” when it came to household chores. I’m glad my kids are though.
3
Many our lives could be much more harmonious,
If our bosses were generous, not parsimonious.
The problems for most of us are not the dishes,
We have bigger problems, we have grander wishes.
I'm worried much more about Trump's daily tweets,
Than I am about which of us launders the sheets.
25
Sounds great -- but for the rest of us, who don't have lots of extra money to throw at our problems, perhaps we need to reframe unpleasant chores in ways that make them more pleasant (and sometimes just buck up and do things we don't enjoy, like the adults we're supposed to be)...and be willing to let other things slide.
11
If people could just pay for housecleaning, then I don’t think they would be fighting about it with their spouses.
3
I clean my house for 30 minutes every day. I grocery shop every day or two. I cook every day. I change the sheets every Friday. I do laundry every 10 days (I hate laundry).
It is my exercise and so I do not belong to a gym. The time and money saved on going to and from a gym and the onerous fees is a win in all ways.
16
Shortly after we married, it became clear that our marriage would not survive the differences between my wife and me regarding housekeeping expectations and standards. So we hired a cleaner. That was over 40 years ago. We're still married.
58
Most people have the same 'standards'. Some just don't want to do the work to achieve them.
Our family employs someone to clean our house and we consider it money extremely well spent. We are generous employers (paid days off, holiday bonus) to someone who is very happy to have the work and we don't argue about chores.
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"One survey found that 25 percent of people who were divorced named 'disagreements about housework' as the top reason for getting a divorce."
Whoa. What kind of people have we become?
I agree with a previous commentor, that "housekeeping" is a basic life skill, and in my case, anyway, one that takes me one remove from the more stressful aspects of my working life - perhaps something like zen and the art of carpet vacuuming.
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Read between the lines: men were not trained to do housework, and many were trained to just expect that it would get done by *somebody*, generally *female somebody*. Women are pushing back and it takes a generation or so to clear the backlog of expectations.
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Perhaps on your and their planet, but I was always given chores when young, many involving "housework" ... and I'm 62 now. So, are these the same kind of guys who freak out over changing diapers?
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This seems to leave out the emotional content of family-related work as demonstrations of feelings for the other (either positive or negative), in addition to
the issue of over-load and need for rest.
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I have always considered 'housekeeping' to be a basic life skill. BY housekeeping I mean cleaning, laundry, cooking, lawn care (if necessary to residence). All 3 of my kids, 2 boys, 1 girl, were brought up learning these skills with no gender differences applied to tasks. They all learned everything.
As adults they are now able to take care of themselves irrespective of income or size of living space.. They also know the time each task takes and can schedule accordingly.
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I made my two sons learn to clean -- vacuum -- do laundry -- cook basic foods (nothing fancy) -- because I didn't want them to live like swine at college or as young single men. Their dad also taught them how to operate a lawnmower and do simple car maintenance and other home repairs. We taught the same stuff to our daughters.
These are basic life skills that EVERY ADULT needs to know. It is not about gender or sex roles. It's about basic competence.
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It'd love to hire someone to help with cleaning, laundry, or garden work but we can't afford it. And that was that.
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The very idea of hiring someone to clean up after you would have made my mom and grandma laugh their butts off.
If they HAD that extra money -- which they did NOT -- they would not have spent it on something as simple & basic as house work -- but on some luxury, like a vacation.
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These women likely worked unpaid in the home, thus had time (and societal obligation) to clean. If they worked out of the home today, they would have much more money and much less time. Both are luxuries, just balanced differently over generations (and genders).
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I hope that it works for people. For some families this would be a major expense. I suspect that for some other families fighting about housework is more about power (even about the cost of outsourcing), social expectations, or that the family wanted to fight and housework made an extremely convenient battleground.
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I find it bewildering that we are supposed to feel guilty for hiring people to perform work. What is accomplished by self-righteous refusal to offer employment to someone on the theory that somehow, income inequality makes the exchange immoral? Are the people we don't hire somehow, mysteriously, better off for not having the work?
My husband and I, retirees, have a cleaning service every two weeks. The people who perform this service are paid on the books, receive sick pay and holidays off, and are clearly pleased to have the work. We give each of them a bonus for the holidays, and no, we don't feel guilty in the least.
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Full disclosure: I am privileged.
Things I outsource: twice monthly housecleaning, pool cleaning, part-time nanny for kids’ school drop-off, lawn care, and taxes
Things we DIY: laundry, grocery shopping, cooking (homemade dinner every night), kids’ school pick-up, kids’ sports/homework/bedtime, and seasonal landscaping.
Even with all the things I outsource, I still feel pressed for time. My spouse and I work full-time, have two children, and we have no family in town. Fortunately the things I outsource allow us time to socialize as a family with other families on the weekends. This precious time keeps us connected to our community. I wish every family had this time.
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Mentioned by several, it is easy to see how services are often performed for low wages. This country, as it transitioned from manufacturing to services, never protected the rights of service workers, denying them a decent wage and some semblance of health and retirement security. By services can be unethical, unless you consciously choose to doouble the amount of money paid.
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If you choose a company that is licensed and bonded to perform these services, you will be paying a lot more.
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The survey didn't show housework disagreements were the reason for divorce, it showed toxic masculinity and selfishness were the problems - they just manifested in housework.
Also who's gonna do the work? Someone well paid, and therefore expensive, or affordable and underpaid?
Learn how to share life responsibilities like equal adults.
This article. Oof.
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There is no reason to judge how people choose to spend their own money. Both my husband and I work long hours, have young children and don't have any family nearby. We outsource many household chores and enjoy having time to play with our children as a result. We are perfectly capable of making dinner and cleaning, but we only have so much time and would prefer to spend it with our family. The people who offer these services seem to prefer to have a job than not. I wonder if you apply the same judgement when you buy things with your money. Do you make a point to ensure that the clothes and household goods you buy are made by people who are well paid, or do you reserve your judgement for other people's choices?
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I was the cook and house manager for my physician wife for 42 years. I enjoyed cooking, did not mind laundry but hated yard work. So we hired out the yard work. She was a brilliant Doctor but a terrible housekeeper, so we hired out house cleaning. As she slipped into dementia I was her full time caretaker. With Psychosis she is now in an institution. I never regretted a moment when I could buy time with her.
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My husband and I keep a chore sheet to ensure that we divide housework evenly. It doesn't have to be perfect but by writing down how much time we spend on things we make it explicit and make sure things are roughly fair.
But we also both work more than full time and don't like doing certain types of housework and we've found that it improves our lives significantly to hire someone to clean twice a month. We found a cleaning service that is a cooperative owned by the cleaners so they are getting all the money they earn and that charges their clients enough for them to make more than a living wage (we pay her $120 for about 3 hours of work). It is a fantastic tradeoff and has improved our lives significantly - we previously would put off housework when we got home because we were tired and didn't like cleaning. Now we have a clean house and get to spend more time on things we like.
I'm writing this to explain that not everyone who hires a cleaner is an exploitative jerk, and not everyone who benefits from outsourcing some housework is in a relationship poisoned by inequality and "toxic masculinity." There are a lot of ways to live life well and morally.
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There are solutions where having someone else do the work is at no cost or even savings, at least for people in Manhattan or New York City in general. One is with laundry, the cost of doing your own laundry is the same as sending it out, and if one is okay with others handling their clothes, a great time saver. Second, food delivery services like Fresh Direct can be less expensive than big grocery stores.
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Well yeah but ONLY because the workers doing the laundry or delivering the food make so little that they can not afford to live indoors.
At least slaves got food, clothing, a place to live but if you are okay for below-slave level wages, go for it.
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Honestly, I was writing about income inequality years before it became fashionable, deplore the loss of unions - service workers need them - and decry the destruction of social welfare in this country. I am not averse to paying more, but this seems to be a problem larger then ourselves, and as long as we have the GOP in power, it will only get worse.
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Many women I know who can definitely afford a cleaner think it's unethical and that a cleaner cannot do a good job. Rubbish! This kind of self-defeating thinking never crosses the minds of men.
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It is not unethical to hire a legal worker at fair wages and benefits, to do a job.
It IS unethical to exploit an illegal alien or very poor person, to do hard physical work for lousy pay, no benefits, no health care, no payroll taxes (so they don't SS in old age) and no sick leave or vacation time.
Most people discussing this will not admit how much their use of "help around the house" is pure exploitation of illegal aliens.
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I can see a few of the posts relate to the social inequalities related to income and gender, both valid, within limits.
Regarding income, paying for help is a solution that is easier for high-income couples. Many Americans are proud of their DIY skills, but I imagine some of that is driven by income inequality, and the need to do the work yourself. Granted there can be emotional value in learning new skills, but I've seen some shoddy DIY work. The monetary equation for paying for services is driven by how long it takes one to earn the amount of money spent.
As to gender, my spouse and I divided work along ability, and since I grew up helping around the house for a working mother, I was better than my wife at beds, floors, and surfaces. It meant that I was spending more time on weekends that she on housecleaning, while she spent more time on cooking and the bathroom.
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When I was young, I had platonic female roommates. So there was no "gender issue". We divided up the household tasks based on "who hates what the least". I loved to cook and do laundry, but I hated scrubbing the bathtub or vacuuming. We each did the tasks we hated the least and the other person did the ones THEY hated the least. It all worked out pretty well.
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Even if it is an extravagance, a house cleaner is money well spent. My 2 cents.
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IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT....you have every right to spend your money on the things YOU want.
But at least admit it is your wealth that gives you this choice.
Also: if you are not honest and forthright about who you are hiring -- if they are legal citizens or green card holders -- if they are working "on the books" -- if they get a fair wage, benefits, health insurance and paid vacation/sick leave -- if you pay payroll taxes on them, so they get SS in old age -- then you are not being honest here.
The problem is that once you pay all those fair, decent things plus a good living wage -- the cost of household is so expensive, that 90% of us could never dream of affording it.
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The study revealed that people who buy time are happier, especially the less affluent. Well, of course they’d be happy — less-affluent people have a lot of life stresses! But, here’s the thing: someone has to do the chores, and I can’t help but think that the people who are hired for the purpose of other people’s happiness probably aren’t going to be able to buy their own. That's a social justice issue.
Perhaps heteros can learn from same-sex couples. Unlike different-sex couples, chores are more equally shared by about 74 percent of gay couples versus 38 percent of straight couples, according to a study by PriceWaterHouseCoopers and the Families and Work Institute. They also more equally shared the responsibility of caring for a sick child, 62 percent versus 32 percent for straight couples.
So why are same-sex couples better at divvying up chores? They talk about it! According to the survey, 20 percent of coupled hetero women said they hadn’t talked about how to divide chores, but wish they had.
Problem solved and happiness found!
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This is exactly what the toxic religious authoritarians fear: egalitarian models for couples. I have heard this expressed explicitly. Of course they don't realize that many of us Gen-X heteros were rewriting the marriage script and having that chore division discussion with spouses and children.
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If someone doesn't enjoy (for its own sake) the ways in which they can give to their spouse, partner, significant other, etc., when opportunities abound, then how will they know how to express love when the way to do so is less obvious how to them?
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I'm retired now, and chores carry little to no weight in my life—my husband and I do not stress over them. But if I had it to do over again, back when my kids were young and my husband and I were working, I would hire a housecleaner to come in once a week and use the time it freed up to start playing tennis thirty years before I finally did. I'd play it with my husband, play it with our kids. We were cautious, and we saved/invested more than enough for retirement, so I realize now that we could have been a little less frugal without being wasteful. Making a different kind of investment in a sport that doesn't cost all that much and that everyone can play their whole lives—that would have been a good thing.
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It makes sense that people would be happier if they had more time to enjoy each other's company than bickering about chores. But ultimately, I feel this is also about short-term rewards vs long-term gains. If a cleaning service costs $100 and you get the service every other week, that's $2,600 you spend in a year. I know that for many families, $2,600 makes the difference of whether they get to go on a family vacation or not. Over the course of ten years, that's $26,000. That's not exactly a small number for things that you could do yourself but just don't feel like it. Yes, you might feel better getting someone else to do the chores or you could both be adults, quit whining, and just do the chores. Make it a healthy habit and stop keeping score on who's doing more.
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" I know that for many families, $2,600 makes the difference of whether they get to GO ON a family VACATION or not."
Only in the world of the upper 15-20%
Don't see much of the real world do you?
$2600 is 4% of the median gross household income of $59000 (and 5.32% after taxes) BTW "median means 50% have more and 50% have less - the TRUE "middle" class)
$2600 a year is not the difference in taking a vacation of not but the difference in
* paying the car insurance and the electric
* doing a major repair on a vehicle
* covering the deductibles and copays for healthcare
* paying the $5640 in ACA premiums for a couple making a combined $59000
We have the Husquvarna Robomower doing the lawn. It was either get the robot at $3200 and which can go for 10 years or pay for a lawn service 20 weeks of the at $80 a week ($16000 over 10 years). And we had to make the choice because of physical inability to keep doing the job (lifetime of allergies/asthma for him & massive orthopedic injury for me)
It has NOTHING to do with self-indulgent "gee let's have more time for other stuff"
The vast majority of the US simply can NOT afford the self-indulgence of avoiding doing stuff they do not like (laundry, house cleaning etc)
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If you are only paying $100 for a cleaning service you either have a very small home or you are paying someone under the table.
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I'm not sure why there are so many capitalized words in your response or why you don't think I see much of the real world given what I wrote.
I picked family vacation because it, too, is an indulgence, just like getting a housekeeper. You'll also notice that I did not say that it would be an annual family vacation but that for some, it would be a family vacation. Everything you listed are necessities--if we're talking about housekeeping we're already talking about extra money families have lying around, not just to make things meet.
I also argued that housekeeping is a lot of money and that people should just develop good habits and do it themselves especially since $2600 is a lot of money for most families.
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Even though we have a 1 BR condo, the hours required weekly to keep it clean was ruining our weekends, so we decided to hire a twice-monthly cleaner. The cost is small, about $70 to $90 per session, but we are both much happier for it. We still take care of minor things around the apartment, but the big tasks, e.g., bathrooms, floors, kitchen, and surfaces, is handled by someone else. It's the same with laundry, in that for the same cost, we can have someone pick up, clean, and return laundry the same day, and when considering [green] clean and press, do a much better job.
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Some years ago a book called, A Housekeeper is Cheaper than a Divorce (by Kathy Fitzgerald Sherman) was published. You can still get it in some public libraries and from online retailers.
I thought it useful then and customer reviews show that readers still like it.
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