One initial authority on resilience is Dr Robert Brooks, an insightful psychologist and speaker with a number of books specifically on that topic.
His work is accessible, practical, and extensive. I highly recommend, having heard him speak numerous times. Great advice about kids as well as adults.
www.drrobertbrooks.com
1
This is a good article, and even with now 13 years of experience we are still learning, as each child is different.
With the older one I have to be careful not to let him know that his feeling bad makes me feel bad. I agree with the statement that 'I'm only as good as my worst kid', but I think you have to be careful not to guilt them into hiding their feelings, so that you as a parent can feel better. If you have a sensitive kid who aims to please, that's the risk.
On the other hand, I have a nine year old who tends to go and hide when he gets upset, closing himself in his room. He is also a champion at carrying a grudge, able to give his older brother and us the silent treatment for longer than I would have thought possible.
I usually go to him, encourage him to talk, tell him it's okay to be mad/sad/disappointed with other people, that it's normal sometimes, because I think he is really overwhelmed when he feels negative emotions.
I think it is sinking in, even though I haven't seen any results, but does anyone have any good suggestions? As role models we try our best, but engaging directly on conflict issues doesn't come naturally to either one of us.
15
To be a resilient parent, we must first learn to parent ourselves. Coming from a dysfunctional family system, I found Dr. Erin Leonard’s book (How to Raise a Secure Child, Parenting with Empathy) helpful in understanding how my parents could have responded with more empathy and less negativity. While her book is an easy-to-read parenting manual (e.g. do this, not that), thoughtful readers will become more resilient themselves in the process of learning to parent with empathy. Empathy is a super power. And her book helped me understand how important it is to empathize (not sympathize or criticize) when your child (or inner child) is in emotional distress.
13
Thanks for your reference, I started reading the book yesterday, and it's indeed very interesting, and very easy to read.
This is clearly *the* perfect book on this issue for anyone who isn't interested in scientific references and long descriptions of scientific studies, and who immediately wants to know what to do, concretely.
I also never thought about the interesting distinction empathy-sympathy mentioned in the book.
All too often, we indeed tend to react to other people's suffering (adults as well as children) with sympathy, feeling sorry for them, whereas it's obvious that empathy ("mirroring" what they feel through feeling it yourself) is not only more challenging (you need to have trained yourself enough to be able to respond to the suffering that empathy provokes in yourself with resilience), but also much more helpful for the person who's suffering, as it's precisely the resilient answer that soothes and encourages yourself not to give up, that the other person can then mirror in turn ...
Thanks again!
4
On one of the first things I learned when I began my teaching career back in 1974 was the importance of making rules. It wasn’t how to make the rules themselves. Rather, it was the realization that when you made a rule, you had to be prepared, absolutely and totally, to consistently enforce that rule. They are easy to make, but if you can’t (or don’t) enforce them, rules quickly become meaningless, followed inexorably by the diminishment of the rule-maker’s implicit authority.
So, decide what really and truly matters and makes a difference.
Then the next thing I learned was that if you allowed yourself to become angry when rules were violated, then your chances of success were instantly and severely compromised. Children break rules, period. Sometimes they do it carelessly, but sometimes the do it purposefully. They do so because they are testing the limits of your authority, not just because they want not to be limited by the rule’s constrictions, but also because they implicitly understand that you only bother to enforce the rule because you care about them. Lack of enforcement implies lack of caring, so if you don’t care about it, they won’t either.
It’s hard to remain dispassionate about meting out justice–often extremely difficult. But it is critical. Paradoxically, the less emotion you convey when enforcing the rules, the more it communicates that you care enough to make them behave properly.
12
Very interesting, thanks for sharing this!
I have to admit that I never really understood why kids would want to "test the limits" of adults. It's certainly true that certain behavior can have as an effect on an adult that he/she feels pushed to his/her limits, but that's something very different than having a child WANTING you to feel like that.
What you're saying here makes much more sense to me: children vitally depend on adults, so it's equally vital for them to try to figure out whom they can trust and who might tell them/do things that are actually bad for them.
As the rules imposed on children often cannot be understood by them, they'll follow them or refuse to do so in function of whether they feel they can trust you when you tell them that it's for their own well-being.
If, however, you panic when they start experimenting with disobedience, and get stuck in your own fears (of not being respected, of having no authority, of being the cause of your child's failures, ... ), and then act out those fears rather than being able to welcome them through self-compassion, all that they feel, intuitively, is your own panic, which cannot possibly reassure them and make them understand that you DO impose those rules because of THEM, rather than to use them in order to increase your own self-esteem etc.
In other words, if you can react in a resilient way to your own fears when they disobey, they copy that resilience and see it as "proof" that they can trust you ... ?
6
The best book I ever read about raising kids was The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. By Edward Hallowell, MD. I was fortunate enough to hear him talk when I lived in Massachusetts. I cannot recommend this book enough. It is excellent and helped us raise an emotionally strong young woman. His advice was solid. Just solid. Thank you Dr. Hallowell!
9
I agree. I wish I had read this earlier but I am glad I read it at all. Such an
Important and under rated book. I keep a copy on the “books to borrow” shelf by my first grade classroom door for parents who might want to give it a read.
3
I raised three successful and for the most part emotionally healthy children. Their father, my ex, was severe in his expectations and had no room for coddling. I did not want neurotic, overly emotional children who didn't cope well so I read extensively and paid attention. When not working I was always completely present to interact with my children. They did get time outs which had mixed success. I found the idea of "catch them being good" very useful - don't give attention for bad behavior, instead remark on things that you see them do right. The most important thing I learned was having confidence in leading, guiding, nurturing you child is very important to your child's sense of security. Don't say, we're going to so and so, okay? Give a choice if possible, let them challenge themselves without hovering or calling out encouragement. There are winners and losers in life, congratulate best effort but don't celebrate mediocrity.
11
@KS may I contact you please for some questions about your experience? It resonates with mine. Thank you.
The old adage "what does kill you makes you stronger" has been around for a long time for a reason.
5
one cannot be something they are not. it's genetics.
1
Genetics is a very small part of who we are, and, as scientists already discovered, something that changes during our lifetime, in function of how we live and what we're going through.
At the same time, when it comes not to bodily functions but complex behavior such as dealing skillfully with emotions, there has NEVER EVER been any scientific study, until today, that has succeeded proving a direct link between such a behavior and genes.
There do are already a LOT of studies though that show that learning to behave in a compassionate way, learning self-compassion (= what determines how compassionate you're able to be towards other people), learning to sooth yourself when your brain starts producing negative emotions etc., are SKILLS, not innate traits - and highly trainable skills.
Example: studies have shown that if you meditate for 10,000 hours, your brain changes in such a way that EVEN your bodily reaction to physical and emotional pain, your basic level of happiness etc. become totally different.
Other example: start learning a language, and two years later, your brain has changed too!
Conclusion: now that scientists discovered "neuronal plasticity", it becomes very difficult to believe that who we are is already entirely determined the day we're born ...
8
A child cries. A mother soothes.
BAD mom! Bad,bad mom!
Your child is doomed!
Thanks , NYTimes!
1
If that’s what you got out of this article, you might want to reread it.
22
Also: be a resilient person. Kids notice how you respond to other things besides them. Frankly there were a lot of emotional responses to life challenges that I wish my parents had kept private when I was a kid.
8
"(...) a cultural narrative that suggests that “If the kids are not O.K., then it’s because we parents have done something wrong.”
It's part of our culture indeed to imagine that we can only consider ourselves to be okay (and as a consequence, as Brené Brown explains, worthy of being loved and of belonging) IF the "results" of what we undertake are positive.
As what we accomplish always at least partially depends on factors and circumstances that we cannot control, linking our self-worth to results is THE best way to be constantly criticizing ourselves, and be constantly unhappy.
Even worse: as this article explains so well, it also makes it impossible for parents to actually become "good" parents, because as long as you imagine that you don't have the right to love yourself as soon as one of your children (even after they've become adults) has a problem, you'll tend to see their problems as an attack on YOU as a person, and will try to blame THEM for their problems in order to try to calm yourself down.
And that way, you only reinforce their inner critic, rather than empowering them to deal with the situation in a calm and self-compassionate - and as a consequence effective - way.
My father only discovered this after he turned 70, and after ten years of a yoga class where once in a while emotions were discussed.
So now, for the very first time, he's starting to give me truly useful advice when I need advice, rather than telling me that it must all be my fault ...
7
control of emotions, (more specifically control of behaviors around emotions), resistance to impulse, handling frustration, are all skills that need practice to be honed. your child can't learn these things if you don't give them a chance to, and they only get that chance when you allow adversity to occur.
12
Mind your own business. Take care of YOUR child.
And, by the way - get back to me in twenty years - let me know how things turned out.
1
It's a relief to see an article in America discussing how painful emotions are a natural part of life, a part of life we can all learn to be with and manage, rather than avoid. My experience as a young widow and as a psychotherapist has led me to see how our culture tries to banish painful emotions, and shames people who can't pretend like nothing hurts.
It's also a relief to see resilience properly defined as the ability to be with and manage painful emotions, rather than to turn away from painful emotions as quickly as possible. The resilience movement has coopted a useful term and turned it into a caricature of what resilience really is. Thank you for using the term to encourage people to learn how to feel their pain effectively instead of shaming people for feeling pain.
An article I wrote, "Resilience: A New Grief Myth That Can Hurt You," says more about this misuse of resilience. https://medium.com/the-mission/resilience-a-new-grief-myth-that-can-hurt...
6
The resilience that you need is the resilience to develop a good relationship. I've raised three kids and I can attest to making some serious mistakes out of the blocks because I focused on behavior and not on the person. I would tell all parents to think about the kind of relationship you want to have with your children when they are adults. Every time you correct, every time you belittle, yell, or punish, you undermine the future.
If you just want them to be successful and don't mind if they hate you then correct them at will. If you want a loving adult friendship where you are included in their lives then perhaps you need to rethink your approach.
20
As a parent you can set the tone within your family that emotions are ok and expressing frustrations and sadness won’t stop the world from turning, but your child’s teachers or peers may respond differently.
8
@LBJ I think we must teach children it's what they DO with these emotions that matters in the end. It's often quite reasonable to be angry, but it's how one handles the anger that is important. Hitting ones sibling or parent is not an appropriate way to handle anger.
It's also not appropriate for me to physically attack my postman for once again delivering other's mail to me and mine to god-knows-where. But It's okay for me to be angry and to call the local post office and make a complaint. I can also calmly tell the postman that his delivery is unacceptable and ask him what his plan is to solve this problem.
When a child sees a parent handling their own anger well, they will learn by example. It's okay to be sad and cry, but not to the degree that one does not go to work or school or fix dinner for the family.
Children learn far more by the example of a parent than just about anything. If a parent is prone to meltdowns, the child will be as well.
8
The photo that accompanies this piece, and the vast majority of other pieces on emotions, resiliance etc. are of girls. Sometimes the girls are in distress, and sometimes they are expressing hope and/or success. (Look at the bottom of the article for the related stories - you'll see what I mean). Furthermore, stories about physical prowess or business success are all about boys - look at the related article down below about risky playgrounds.
At present, boys are facing a resiliance crisis. Just this week the NYT Outlook section had a piece on low income black boys faring worse than their sisters. Boys are attending college at a much lower rate than girls, and the gap is widening. Young men are not showing readiness or willingness regarding marriage, and young women are giving up on them.
NYT - please orient these resiliance articles to parents of male children. Please don't continue the myth that emotions are a female sphere, a problem for mothers are daughters to conquer.
77
So true. Thank you.
3
And it just gets worse and worse.
Parents - You are not "snowflakes."
You can do it.
Keep your own counsel. Do what you think is best for YOUR child.
Disgard unsolicited advice.
In this country - everyone wants a sure thing.
There is no 'right' way, there is no 'wrong' way.
There is only what you think is the best way for YOUR child.
And ,eventually, what he or she thinks is their own best way.
Unfortunately, that leaves room for error.
They will survive. They will live their own lives, both because of, and despite,
your best efforts.
13
I volunteer in childcare - one day in the group I was walking to a park beside a 6yo girl who was known to be clumsy - she was just a little chubby.
As we walked side by side down a concrete staircase she suddenly slipped, fell forward and slid/bounced, on her stomach, down/across the next three steps, before picking herself up from the bottom.
I said nothing. She didn't make a sound - stood up with a serious face, reached up and held my hand, and we continued walking.
After a few seconds she said to me in a quiet voice, as if exploring her own feelings, 'that ... felt ... pain ...'
I said nothing. We continued. I call that resilience.
13
Are you sure you're not confounding "resilience" and biting your tongue ... ?
Teaching resilience, in this case, would have been actively acknowledging and exploring her emotions with her, in a compassionate and accepting way, so that she learns how to be with them.
Simply ignoring them (which is the message she might have gotten if as an adult you don't react at all when she tries to communicate about what she felt) might not be the best way to incite children to take their own emotions seriously.
16
@Frank But Frank, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING??? Would you treat a friend that way if he/she had fallen and said "That sure was painful!"? Or would you say something compassionate, maybe "I'm glad you're not hurt" or "I'll bet it was!"?
10
Thank goodness I am a model of self acceptance and endless patience. I can't relate to any of this article!
6
This article has a lot of quotes from books but lacks data. Is there evidence that modeling resilience creates resilient children vs. parents who are resilient due to their biology tend to make resilient children? Studies from adoption and foster care maybe?
As a clinical social worker and parent of two bright but atypically sensitive children, I think about this a lot and haven't found much of an answer. I work hard to increase the resilience of my children but I'll be the first to acknowledge they seem less resilient than average overall (and this runs in both families).
9
From the research I have read, resiliency is an innate trait. Probably you can help kids to develop a resilient mindset, but some kids are just going to take to the message more easily. And, yes, genetics would dictate that resilient parents contribute that trait to their children.
There's actually already a lot of evidence.
You can for instance go to the mindsightinstitute.com, and follow an online course in the latest neurobiology on this issue.
You can also read Dan Goleman's latest book.
That being said, the way you're formulating your question doesn't seem to be very scientific to me.
The question is rather whether 1) emotional states that parents are in when something happens, get communicated to a kid (= the child immediately gets in the same emotional state, neurobiologically) or not, and whether 2) certain reactions that parents may have towards their own feelings of distress, and that fall into the category of "resilient reaction", make a child react in a more resilient way to what he/she's feeling at that moment too, or not.
Those are questions that can be tested and verified scientifically.
The question you're asking is whether reacting in a resilient way to an emotion is something that a child has to learn (= a skill that has to be developed), or is innate and happens automatically.
As it's impossible to find parents who were "automatically" resilient (because as parents they're adults already, so you cannot separate nature/nurture anymore), THAT question isn't scientific.
But there do is already a lot of scientific evidence showing that resilience is highly trainable, AND evidence that shows that if you develop your own resilience as a parent, your children will "copy", biologically, your reaction to a certain extent.
10
@ Cynthia Akazawa
As someone quite interested in this topic, I didn't read any scientific study yet showing that resilience could be innate (let alone linked to certain genes ... especially knowing that there's no scientific method yet allowing us to establish a link between behavior and genes).
If you did, could you please give us some references?
Thanking you in advance.
2
I have seen the unfortunate result of giving in. My wife cannot stand the nagging, whining and persistence of our 6 year old. Granted she spends most of his non-school day with him, however, knowing that he can gnaw away at her armor has created a situation where no means maybe and maybe turns into probably and probably becomes yes. Therefore when I say no he immediately goes to mommy and then my no becomes muted. Any suggestions? My wife understands the idea of consistency but it's impossible to achieve. We have stipulated boundaries but they are constantly being broken. For instance, he's not supposed to watch TV before school. When I came into the living room this morning he was watching Pokemon. Then I asked my wife and she said I told him no. In order to avoid a confrontation, I just let it go but that does not help in setting boundaries with either my wife nor my son. Please advise.
10
It sounds like your wife is exhausted from taking the lion's share of parenting duties. You say that she spends most of the non-school time with your child so maybe she needs you to take a larger role in parenting. If you were home with your child the most, you might find yourself giving in too to buy yourself some peace.
25
How about drawing up a set of agreed, written rules together as a family that you all agree to. A 6-year old is old enough to understand incentives and consequences so once he agrees to the rules, he should be able to understand what that means. So, for example, if you set the rule - written down prominently somewhere in the house - that there is no TV time before school and he breaks that rule, that means he loses TV time at the weekend or afternoon or whenever he's allowed to watch it.
You have to make the decision as a family together and with your son present so he realizes there is a united front.
And I don't think you should judge your wife's parenting until you've walked a mile in her shoes. If you take some days to spent at home with your son full-time, you might get an insight into why she is struggling to be firm with him.
15
(Part 2)
You can only do this, as a parent, when you've learned how to sooth YOURSELF when something is hurting you.
If for instance you've learned to link your self-worth to how much you "achieve" in life, your self-compassion will be quite low, so you'll constantly hope that others will tell you that you're okay and that they love you, before you can calm down a bit and accept yourself as you are. In that case, seeing a child cry or become crazy when you say "no" can be extremely painful, as it immediately triggers the thought of NOT being worthy of love (as your child somehow "disapproves" of what you're saying/doing), and even the emotion/recalling of having others refusing to give YOU what you wanted from them, etc.
So I'd suggest that you read some of the books mentioned here, and then regularly try to have "mindful" conversations with your wife, about her own feelings, in order to let her FEEL that you'll be always there for her, no matter how much she "fails", and to let her feel how to embrace her own fears and lack of feeling worthy (as a person and a mother (and a wife?)) in a loving and compassionate way, rather than a judgmental way.
The more she can learn to react in a resilient way to her OWN feelings of distress when your son asks her something that she knows isn't good for him, the more he will calm down when she says "no", and the more she will be able to teach him how to lovingly cope with his own distress when she says "no".
Good luck!
6
When I was rearing my children, a very useful question to ask myself AND to ask my children was "Who owns the problem?" Often, the problem is owned by the child, not the parent, but the parent will jump right in and try to fix a problem they do not own.
Acknowledging that one owns a problem is the first step that must be taken before it can be fixed. When a child recognizes and acknowledges that it is HIS problem, not his mother's/father's, progress will be made. It develops a sense of personal responsibility in a child, and that leads to a child learning to meet a challenge head-on, dealing with it and coping. That leads to resilience.
I still believe the best child rearing book ever written is "Children: the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs. It was written in the 1950's and is still in print. That kind of says it all, doesn't it. It is based on Alfred Adler's philosophy of natural and logical consequences. And it works!
24
Several years ago, my granddaughter (about 3 years old at the time) was hosting another little girl (the daughter of two psychologists) for lunch and play. The visiting girl grabbed any toy, doll, or other object that my granddaughter picked up. She would also try to occupy any chair that my granddaughter sat in and screamed wildly at the top of her voice during most of the play session. Having not experienced such traumatic behavior before, my granddaughter was clearly stunned. All of this occurred while my daughter (my granddaughter's mother) and the father of the visiting child watched silently with no intervention, just with sad looks on their faces. Finally, tired of seeing my granddaughter being bullied in her own home, I stepped in and asked that the playtime be ended and that the bully be taken home. Afterward, I suggested to my daughter that kinder, more "normal" friends and classmates be invited until the other little girl's difficulties were resolved or at least somewhat mitigated. What would you have done?
9
What would I have done? Well, first, I'm not sure I would have mentioned the professions of her parents - I am a psychologist, and our daughter was frequently praised for her manners and kindness by perfect strangers from about the age of 4 -efforts to be kind and polite were part of our everyday life, and she just naturally followed suit. With the situation above, I would have avoided labeling an overstimulated 3 year old a "bully", and instead considered that the parents of the children (who failed to assist the little girl in soothing and settling herself) were abdicating their responsibilities to the two children. Finally, I would have tried to redirect the over-excited girl to her own toy/chair and would have played with her myself for a time, temporarily moving the kids into a parallel play situation and then giving them a chance to come back together. If the problem continued, I'd chalk it up to a bad day and end the date, with the idea of bringing the kids back together another day.
29
Yeah, that’s just what I want - a play date where if my 3 year old doesn’t act ‘properly’ we’re all assessed, scrutinized, banned and then mocked. Jeez - kids are kids, like seriously. Stop pathologizing and judging everything.
13
exactly what you did, only as the mother and after the third instance of bullying.
4
Helpful article for me, thanks. It would have been even better, though, if it would have answered the question, “Why doesn’t my kid put his socks in the hamper?”
12
Choose a good looking hamper, and place it creatively. Life is all about smart design.
9
The answer is, it doesn't really matter if the socks make it into the hamper. A messy life is one they'll have to live with until the day they run out of socks and realize theirs didn't get washed (why? it wasn't in the hamper). And I'm assuming the child is doing his/her own laundry, which helps the lesson immensely (if the child is too young, the non-hampered socks don't get washed; if the child is able to reach the buttons on the machine and handle detergent, it's not your problem at all). There are so many issues to tackle as they march towards independence, and a laundry-filled floor no longer rates high on my list of importance.
FYI, I have a college son, a high school senior and a third in junior high. It was amazing how the older one started cleaning up once he was on his own, and I expect the others to follow suit eventually. And if not, I simply can't care if their dorm rooms are messy, as my empty nest will be clean!
10
I don't agree with you at all. However, I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I am still laughing as I type. Smart Design indeed.
Depends on the age of the child. Let’s get serious.
5
Studies show that it doesn't. It even works between adults. See Dan Goleman's latest books, and the many studies he mentions and explains.
Resilient Families (haiku duet) "Before you tell your - angry child to take a - breath, take one yourself"; "If you want your kids - to get a life you must first - get yourself a life"
9
I think one of the most important things in raising children is not to try to be the perfect parent, but the most authentic one. If you’re mad, say so. Express proportional emotion. Be fair. Say what you feel. But, let the emotion settle down, and go back and show your child you’re not angry, disappointed, whatever. Show them you can reset the tone to normal or neutral. Then, pick up where you left off. Kids cannot read your mind and often over-interpret silence or emotional distance with withdrawal of love. It’s threatening to them. And unfair. Don’t let the clouds hang over them too long. It will make them anxious and insecure. You’re not raising kids, you’re raising future emotionally healthy adults.
87
For some of the very best work on resilience -- in children, adults -- read Dr Robert Brooks' work. He's been writing and speaking on this for some time.
2
Kids need to see functional adults functioning to learn how to be functional adults themselves, rather witnessing dysfunctions handed down generation after generation play out before them. It's a tough gig being the responsible adult in the room. It requires that parents make a concerted effort to tackle their own issues and break free of their own dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors.
56
Having raised three children I have seen parents who think arguing in front of their children is problematic. I call them the ‘Pollyanna parents.’ They create an entirely fake representation of life to their children where nary is there a negative word and the world is just full of joy & nothing else. That is not preparing your children for a world that is actually very competitive, hard, and often cruel. As parents our job is to prepare our children for life as adults. Safe spaces, participation trophies, and Pollyanna parents do nothing to prepare our children for the ‘real’ world.
39
My husband and I don't fight much - we discuss things that we don't agree about and we do so with a basic level of respect for each other. When either of us is truly angry we almost always wait for the emotion to calm down and then talk about the issue. I am not sure that you are really suggesting that parents should model the hard, cruel world (as you see it) through their interactions with each other but if so - that is one sad picture of parenting and marriage.
16
Great advice. Too much "yessing" kids by baby boomers has given us a narcissistic culture full of unhappy teens and young adults. I can't wait for the pendulum to swing. More maturity in this culture would help solve a lot of today's problems.
35
Kids these days are fantastic. Less likely to be addicted to drugs, have sex early, more empathetic, more connected with their parents. Raising them without the fear of being hit or punished all the time does mean that kids today talk back to their parents in a way I would have never spoken to my mom (for fear of a spanking). But I think they are better human beings for it - and the point of raising children is not to raise a well-behaved child, but a well-behaved adult.
Almost every time I lose my cool with my kids and yell at them the way I was yelled at, I regret it. Firm “no”s and sticking to it calmly and compassionately, and standing firm but calmly in the face of disappointment (and screams) is where I always get my best long-term reactions. When I listen to voices like yours that crop up inside my head (“how could you let your child speak to you that way, what are you, a doormat”) is where my worst parenting comes out.
77
That's interesting. It's many of the older adults in this country that I find to be narcissistic and unhappy (angry Fox viewers, ample in family, come to mind).
33
Dear USA, Where did you get your statistics? "Less likely to be addicted to drugs, have sex early, . . . "?
5
Anger, sadness, and frustration are acceptable responses to repeated bullying at school, hurting one's self in a soccer game, or finding out that you didn't get invited to a party. Anger, sadness, and frustration (beyond mild disappointment) are not acceptable responses to being told to clean your room, eat your broccoli, or you cannot have that toy. These instances do not warrant a dialogue.
We cannot give children the message that every feeling they have regardless of circumstance is acceptable to express. Context is key. Despite popular culture admonishments, it really is ok to ignore negative feelings. They are often temporary and subside with distraction in the same fleeting way happiness does.
111
I agree with this as it applies to an older child, but what about a two year old? For kids this young, things that seem silly to us can be a minor tragedy for them, and I think it’s misguided to discount or demean that. We have to meet them at their level, then slowly help them grow.
46
Agreed! Take a look at Dr. Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies. As a pediatric occupational therapist, his techniques are invaluable in helping kids with sensory processing issues develop self-regulation.
Kids get regulated when they develop attunement and attachment first. His techniques start working as early as 14-18 months, and they work well with upset people well into grade school and beyond. You just have to modify the language for the person.
6
Completely agree! Excellent books with great strategies that worked and made complete sense to us.
1
I take care of my 3 and 1/2 year old grandson on weekends while his mother works long hospital shifts. He is loving and bright and pro social in general. He also has a ferocious temper and, seemingly, was born with a tendency to lash out when angry. He started hitting at about 6 months of age-just about as soon as he could coordinate those impulses with the actions.
He loves the Chrome book for Netflix Kids videos. These are limited to an hour in the morning but then no more at all for the day. He becomes very enraged by this restriction. He will often hit it or me or the dog at the shut down announcement. This is very upsetting but I do not wish to hit him back and it is hard to handle in a positive way. I love the idea of: " Why " No" is good for you. " I am going to start consciously and directly saying that. I've been saying: " It is time to go outside, to do chores, to walk the dog, to color, to paint, to read, to fold laundry , to rake leaves, to trim bushes, to nap etc." I think that saying : " No more Chrome Book " is good because:... " as a preamble is a great idea. And also asking him to repeat it : " Do you know why no more Chrome Book is good this morning ? " I'm sure it will not be instant magic but it has the ring of something that will work over time. Thanks.
26
@Consuelo, you might want to consider banning the Chrome Book altogether, as there is evidence that the type of disproportionate irritability/explosiveness that you are describing in reaction to being separated from digital entertainment, is evidence of addiction.
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Thomas Phelan’s 1-2-3 Magic might be a helpful resource for you as you help to raise your spirited grandson. When raising my now adult child I found
T. Terry Brazelton, MD, to be a very useful mentor as well. A big “thank you” to all of the grandparents out there who are providing love, nurture, and guidance to their grandchildren.
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I agree - it doesn't even have to be a permanent ban, but giving it a few months' pause until he's more mature might help. I totally understand the value of having an hour to do things uninterrupted, though, so I hope there's something else that grabs his attention but doesn't cause such a reaction when it's taken away.
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My granddaughter fell off a tall stool and started to wail. I picked her up and said are you hurt or scared? She immediately settled down and answered "scared". I told her that was very sudden and scary. Acknowledge and naming feelings for children reinforces their experiences and gives feelings a name. It also helps people know they are being understood.
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‘Another Mom’ I get it, my teen son is high functioning and definitely on the spectrum. The emotional pitch and threat of aggression is part of the background we deal with. Our family is lucky in that it’s basically not often manifested and we’ve been able to avoid medication. It’s a hard very stressful aspect of raising an autistic person along with all the other concerns about how you provide a future. Michelle Garcia-Winner is one of the few authorities I’ve found that provides useful guidance. It occurs to me building resilience is one of the underpinnings of her ideas.
Ive also raised a neuro-typical son now in his 30s who is incredibly resilient and thriving. I entirely agree with the point of the article. You’ve gotta have compassion and no you don’t have to justify every boundary to young children. They need the security that you’re confident in the limits.
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all well & good & it's okay advice for parents of "normal" kids but not at all realistic or safe for parents of 244 pound aggressive violent threatening teenagers on the spectrum
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Just as it took some time before they "acquired" those 244 pounds, it takes time for children to become so aggressive and violent that they become a danger for their parents and fellow teenagers (and as a consequence themselves).
If they're violent, however, it's quite obvious that they didn't learn yet how to be resilient when confronted with negative emotions, so resilience may be THE key skill to finally start developing with them ...
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Ana Luisa please don't judge unless and until you've walked a mile in other mom's shoes. As someone who has experience with kids on the spectrum she has my sympathy.
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@ Bern Price
I'm certainly not judging anyone.
All I'm saying is that if you only start applying these methods now, it's normal that they won't work overnight, you'll need time and patience, and most of all, NO self-judgment but a lot of active self-compassion practice (in other words, accepting self-critical thought without beating you up BECAUSE you have those thoughts).
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