Fine piece, though I imagine Vlad also would want to address the need to undo NATO since his boy didn't quite succeed the first time around.
4
For all Mr. Trump knows, he could have been speaking with the Kremlin janitor.
12
Obama: Yeah, congrats Vlad on winning that free and fair election!
Putin: Yeah, right, it was just too great!
and Obama grimaces and snorts and Putin laughs, because they both know they're talking about a sham.
Trump does not understand, he doesn't get it: the above exchange would go right over his head while he grinned and nodded; then he'd get upset because his name wasn't mentioned.
Excellent piece, by the way!
5
For a minute there, I thought I was reading a Gail Collins' column.
Slam Dunk!
19
That’s really impressive!
I know it didn’t happen ,however one possibility of a murderer and tyrant Putin
Stroking someone trying so hard to please his “Daddy figure” is so we’ll done!
Anything is worth keeping that love alive.Is it sickening? Yes especially when our Democracy is for sale for Putin to help Trump put us in the sewer where they both live.
3
When you address what Bob Corker Senator of Tennessee told us: that your GOP/G?P party (that you worked hard to make over the last 25 years) is now dead from the neck up and slave to "tribal" no-information, Trump-no-matter-what (!!) thinking,.......then i'll stop laughing at this piece.
5
And now, enter John Bolton...a monsters ball before our very eyes.
17
that's exactly the way I heard it... surprise, surprise !!!
2
I hope this is not real because if it is we have a very unstable and almost traitorous president. I would hope this is a joke. If not it validates my feelings that if we showed him a map of the world he couldn't find Georgia---either the state or the country. It is so sad that a wonderful country such as ours displays such ignorance. It wasn't always this simpleminded. Thanks to all the electronic idiocy and the disappearance of reading. It is so rare that I see a person without a phone to the ear.
12
there are many hilarious dialogues one can imagine betweeen Trump and his superior, Vladimir Putin.
Laughter aside, no true American can continue to justify support for Trump. He fooled millions of voters in the US who can't tell a Reality TV show from reality itself, but Trump is a huge embarrassment to our country on the world stage. Our nation is a laughing stock made far worse by Trump's open adoration of Vladimir Putin and massive Russian interference in our electoral process at multiple levels.
The Republican Party is owned by the Kochs, Murdochs and Mercers. No doubt about that. However, the greatest harm the GOP servants of the ultra-rich are doing to our nation is allowing Donald Trump to remain in the Oval Office while continuing to make a mockery of all Americans with every Tweet he makes, with every word he utters. We see the GOP lust for money for what it is, but what is incomprehensible at any level is the total lack of concern that Republicans have for the security of our nation. How can they look the other way when they know like we all do that Putin controls Trump.
We see what has happened to the Republican Party. We see them clearly for who they really are: power hungry, greedy, shameless cowards.
56
I don't believe this kind of discourse helps. The problem is not just Trump, but the people who voted for him and still believe in him. For any of those readers, this piece will strengthen their belief that they did the right thing by voting for Trump. Trump voters didn't have malicious intent, just that their belief system has been strongly influenced by the rhetoric of hatred and "small government". And not only by Trump.
Any criticism of the current government must be based on indisputable facts, even in opinion pieces.
3
Outstanding satire!, Mr. Stephens. Thank you for a chuckle amid this disaster that is #45.
4
I am a Bret Stephens fan - and even I must say - "boring and childish".
1
I am gratified that President Trump is preparing to mend relations with Russia. We tolerate and do business with far worse tyrants than Putin and far more brutal destructive regimes than that of Russia (e.g. Saudi Arabia).
The Democratic/Liberal base has been whipped into a state of war-like hysteria over the bogus Russian election-meddling narrative by the Party establishment and their tools in the media.
War with Russia would be an absolute disaster for humanity. It would be particularly tragic if it were to be precipitated over the loss of an election by a deeply damaged and flawed politician like HRC.
“Natürlich,” said Putin? I think Ian Fleming had a character in one of the Bond books say that in every field in Russia there was a corner that was forever German. And maybe the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons were onto something when they portrayed Fearless Leader as a monocled Prussian-style military leader with a dueling scar.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fearless_Leader
So. Sober principled pundits on the right nowadays often defend the basic integrity of public servants and the necessity of the work that public servants do. Therefore I’m going to just ask: does this mean y’all will in the future call out political campaigns that riff on Reagan’s laugh line “I’m from the government and I’m here to help?”
2
I lean so heavily to the left that I sometimes fall down, so I admit this fellow Bret Stephens is necessary reading to maintain one's balance.
7
President Putin: But please one more item, Donald: Miss Stormy Daniels. You of all people know I love the collusion. I would collude with Miss Stormy in a Moscow minute. Sudovol'stviem! And look at you! Details, please.
The President: I have no idea what you're talking about, Vladimir.
President Putin: Donald, it's me. Come clean.
The President: Let's just say it wasn't textbook generic. I've never read a textbook in my life.
President Putin: That I believe! You're one of a kind, my friend. Let's plan a "summit" in Crimea. It's like one big Mar-a-Lago, but on the Black Sea. And I paid less for it. Until then, do svidanija!
13
You are frightening me with the truth
20
Rep Claudia Tenny, GOP, New York 22nd congressional district, agrees with Donald about that Deep State threat to democracy. Having a JD from UCincinnati does not preclude being crazy and stupid, any more than inherited wealth. This scenario would be funnier if it weren't likely to be accurate.
13
Bret's imaginary scoop of the Trump-Putin call is more entertaining than The Times' supposedly straight news story and supports my take on the subtext—"it takes one to know one."
But both Bret and Mark got one of the ones wrong. Putin had sensed a kindred spirit, although it didn't take Kasparovian genius to identify the Stalinist in the 2016 race.
Bret is too harsh. Trump, like Obama, will have "more flexibility after the election"—or after he disposes of Mueller—whichever comes first.
That said, words are cheap. Trump, *by his actions*, is causing Putin real damage right now.
For example, consider the effect of Trump's energy initiatives, even without the sanctions. Russia is a failing gas station masquerading as a failing Second World country pretending to be a superpower.
As for Trump's strategic arms race with Russia, it is analogous to Reagan's with the Soviets. And we all know how that one turned out.
3
This routine was worse than even SNL!
2
You know, for satire to be funny, it has to be far enough away from the truth that we know it will never happen. This is way too close to accurate.
36
Whew! I was afraid it was much worse. So this is good news - better than I thought!
Putin: You know, Donski, I still enjoy looking at those pictures of you.
Trump: You mean those pictures of you & me shaking hands?
Putin: No Donovich, I mean those other photos.
Trump: Oh. Those.
41
Not many agents can talk to their joes so openly. But then again, not many have to explain their instructions so s-l-o-w-l-y.
6
In the final Clinton Trump debate, Hillary called Trump, “Putin’s puppet”.Trump lost it in that exchange. She was correct again when she said in a different debate that Trump is “temperamentally unfit” to be President.
The Bernie supporters, the Jill Stein supporters, are you happy that you made your point, by not voting? Thanks for your gift to our country.
39
A few more tactics that escaped mention:
1) Operate in secrecy - Trump has his non-disclosure agreements for those who work for him.
2) Make sure your wealthy friends are handsomely rewarded for supporting you, and punish those who don't.
10
While it's gratifying to see at least some conservatives admitting that Trump has crossed a line, the fact his approach to gov't is simply an extension of practices that have been bedeviling the Republican party for a while.
Much that is wrong with the modern Republican party started with Newt Gingrich, who ushered in an era of partisanship and an increasing lurch rightwards, by doing things such as taking the Republican congressional freshman to their own orientation by the Heritage Foundation,
destroying gov't expertise by gutting the budget for congressional staff, https://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/29/gingrich-and-the-destructi..., and in general, arguing against the need for expertise by arguing for very strict term limits, which send a signal that a political career is at best a stepping stone to bigger and better (i.e. more profitable) things.
Republicans have also been waging a propaganda war against other kinds of expertise such as in science and journalism. They showed a willingness to cultivate conspiracy theories with the Clintons - Remember the stories about the murder of Vince Foster? They lied about healthcare. They made mountains out of small symbolic gestures - saluting the flag (or wearing one on your lapel), saying Merry Christmas. supporting our troops by singing endless praise and yellow ribbons. So along comes Trump - the master manipulator and checks all their symbolic and superficial boxes.
16
I fully agree. Trump is hopefully the pinnacle of GOP drivel. They have spent so long in the attack mode, Newt Gingrich personified, they have no idea how to govern. They fooled the Trump voters with their alternative universe, conspiracy theories and apparently themselves as well. God help us if the US public doesn't finally realize the GOP is locked into perpetual games of bait and switch.
4
I started this thinking it was the real thing. That's so dangerous and shows you what a perilous time we live in.
11
Bret, I wouldn't be taking any vacations to London. Seriously.
11
Words are not emerging from my mouth, much less my brain! Thanks for an excellent article.
Yes, it is a spoof/satire and it pretty much keeps me semi-sane these days, and then the grief/anger sets in, while wondering, what shall I do?
Many of us in my circle are wringing our (arthritic) hands about it. Those of us who have faithfully done our service jobs, taking care of patients and students and this forth. left the work of politics to other politicians. That was a mistake.
11
This is sophomoric.
Trump’s in his sophomoric year.
Vyperdysh - nailed it.
9
Brilliant column!
6
Sean Hannity is indeed vyperdysh.
10
Putin: But enough about me. I am popular. For whom else Russians would vote? For Navalny with 2% of popularity? but you Don...How did you manage?
Don: Easily. First, you should never introduce this stupid rule of majority voters needed to be a President. That is for losers. Then you eliminate any serious political party from consideration by blackouting them in the media. Media is actually our friend, they gladly do it for us. Then you have just one opponent. And all what you need to do, is to make sure that the people in certain states hate the opponent more than they hate you. And vu'a la, you are a President, no people's love is needed.
Putin(smiling): Wow. You are genius, Don.
8
Putin ( looking puzzled):
But Don have you forgotten that we "rigged" the USA election for you.
6
Trump: That was not necessary, American system did it for me already.
2
[President Putin: Donald, like with security services, same with news media. You have caused revolution in legitimacy. All that was previously trustworthy and reputable is now disreputable and untrustworthy, and vice versa. You promote crazy conspiracy theory and shift burden of proof to your adversaries. You replace honesty with authenticity and policy with drama and reality with manufactured reality. These are correct moves.
But you can go further. To enthrone yourself you must completely dethrone truth, facts, proportion and objectivity. This is how I became president-for-life.
The President: Well, I’ve been doing it. You know: “FAKE NEWS!”}
Fantastic summation of the entire Trump trajectory from campaign to illegitimate win through the incompetence and disaster of first fraudulent year in the White House.
6
Too soon, Bret.
This is piece is so funny, yet so tragically sad.
6
Seriously it took me a moment to realize this was a spoof. That's how far gone things are with Trump and Russia thing - this is totally believable as an actual conversation.
16
Putin's goal has been to slowly, but surely, destabilize the middle east, and western Europe. He has embraced the continued civil war with Bashar Al Assad, in Syria, making parts of the country unlivable for the foreseeable future. Yes, understanding the ruthlessness, and cunning of people like him, and unfortunately, there are more and more of them on the world stage, is a job for men that are at least as bright as Putin, a lawyer, and well schooled man. President Trump is not that man, I am sorry to say!
10
A real threat to our supposed democracy encapsulated in satire. Oh how we laughed before the fall.
6
And how others are laughing at us!
2
Q: Is this satire or a real transcript?
A: How can one tell?
67
It is obviously satire, because Trump's vocalization of concepts was too sophisticated.
17
I think the question was rhetorical.
Funny and sad at the same time since the writer just might have captured the essence of how Putin is playing Trump and Trump's certain proclivities prevent him from seeing it. But, the bigger picture is here too, and that is our own country is being undone from within.
40
I can't believe how many commenters are confused and upset because they can't tell that this is satire. Really strange.
20
Amazing, isn't it? American gullibility, ignorance or what? Helps explain how 45 was elected. And I'm afraid would be again.
4
Truth coated in mirth:You should occasionally sub for Andy Horowitz in The New Yorker.
14
Truth is, that's Andy Borowitz.
3
Indeed. Sorry for my typo.
1
It seems more often true that the converse “However stupid a fool's words may be, they are sometimes enough to confound an intelligent man.”
― Nikolai Gogol
13
Bravo, Mr. Stephens! Your Putin-Trump exchange is pitch-perfect.
“He is what Russians call Vyperdysh. I cannot explain meaning of this word.”
In case you're wondering: vyperdysh is a slang coinage derived from the verb meaning “to break wind” and modeled on vykidysh (aborted fetus). So the meaning is literally “one expelled with the wind.” It’s an insult of choice for very unattractive persons. We have a rough equivalent in English, which Trump might have been tempted to use in his tweets, but then he’d forfeit his Twitter account.
19
I had read 1/3 of this piece before I realized it was a spoof. It's terrifying that it was believable.
22
I'm almost wondering if this is real and not satire. That's how bad things have become with this presidency!
13
No one faulted Obama when he congratulated Putin but after the Russian interference in our election for Trump to do so was just bad optics. We laughed when Romney said that Russia was the greatest threat facing our country. Oh how Putin must be enjoying watching his cold war enemy who celebrated the fall of the USSR self implode under this presidency. Trump is the gift that keeps on giving and Putin is enjoying every minute of it.
10
I realize that this won't faze, but a) President Obama said something very different in a very different context, and he still took a fair old amount of flak over it, and b) global warming, China's expansionism, and North Korea are still much greater threats to this country.
And what's most recolting about Putin is that at bottom, he's just another tin-pot dictator and thief. The reason he's a threat is that we have an electorate that's flipping out a out the ways the world has changed and unbelievably gullible about the "answers," our own tin-pot dictator and thief has provided.
1
Obama did not congratulate Putin. He congratulated the Russian people on having completed an election. Subtle difference, but different nonetheless.
9
Ami, the tactics used in 2012 election were not as obvious as those used in 2018. Prior to the 2014 Sochi Olympics, Putin was not acting badly in such a public way. He only went in to Crimea after the Olympics. He then later went in to Eastern Ukraine. Only later did he give the rebels there a surface-to-air missile and he much later went in to Syria. He was not interfering with European and American elections. Circumstances have changed and Obama did not congratulate him; he called him ten days after the election to discuss business. For you not to mention these significant differences is, one word, well "deplorable".
3
Spot On!! Bret Stephens... more please.
6
Is this serious? if this is really the transcript, I am horrified at the words of an American president all over again - it is a daily onslaught and embarrassment.
1
This device is only effective every couple of years.
Astonishingly, a number of Trumpists are now complaining that Stephens needed to warn people that an editorial on an editorial page might just be satirical, lest the proles take it for fact.
Hilarious. Less funnily, the party line also seems to be that Stephens is a divagationist and traitor or a lib'rul or something.
Good column, Mr. Stephens. Hate to say it, but it was actually funnier than Ms. Collins' column today. I particularly liked that it wasn't subtle at all, pretty much just a case of hitting two hammerheads with a hammer.
30
It is absolutely brilliant. Trump is 100% real, but you are too kind to Putin, putting big vocabulary in his mouth. His language is much simpler, more vulgar, even filthy at times. And the Russian word that you presented here is exactly what he would say. It's a pity most readers don't understand it. Extremely disparaging and offensive.
23
Referring to Sean Hannity as a Vyperdysh is perfect.
22
Trump reminds me of what Ted Williams, the Splendid Splinter, used to say: “If you don’t think too good, don’t think too much.”
9
Tell us how your republican fiends are talking with trump.
We want to see the real you, Mr. Stephens. You are, after all, a republican. And your stripe likes to hide and obfuscate.
2
Donald tweeted about how he would demolish Joe Biden in a fist fight, but our self-proclaimed tough guy president doesn't challenge Putin on anything. Time to confess, Donnie, which side are you on?
20
Seriously? Is this real?
I don't know what to think if it is. This is simply insane.
Not real....only believable. That, in and of itself, is sad.
26
Well Trump is a Putin Puppet and lover but just another tool or weapon to be used against democracy by Putin. Putin is not a Trump lover, just a Trump user and he must enjoy a daily belly laugh about how well his campaign against America has worked. Mostly thanks to Trump himself, his Cabinet of saboteurs, and the number of Putin lovers in the GOP who have surrounded themselves with wealthy oligarchs in a salute and tribute to Putin!
The NRA has been Putin's friend too as one of his oligarchs funneled money through them to Trump, and they have been supporting the GOP for decades. Putin can watch from afar as Americans turn weapons upon themselves, especially the military assault weapon of choice, the AR-15.
Trump and the GOP don't seem to mind at all that Putin hackers corrupted our U.S. election in 2016, and working on this one in a big way, plus breached power plants, the aviation industry, some commercial industries, and our infrastructure. They have thrown out patriotism and replaced it with a Russian welcome mat at the front door of our WH.
114
Bret, well done and spot on. May I suggest you write a companion piece explaining "kompromat" and how the Russians (and Chinese) play the long game when it comes to spycraft?
24
Thanks for the cancer, nytimes. Should I send you the medical bills?
5
TRUMP:,...OH..and Vlad, about those videos.....
21
Totally terrifying.
8
At first, I thought this was from the Onion. Sadly, it wasn't.
12
Very cute, Bret! It kinda made me sick as I have an awful feeling it isn't very far from the mark. Our bumbling, ignorant leader is being led for sure and he may or may not even know it. However, I think he does know and doesn't care as long as when this whole presidential thing is over he can make really "huge" deals with Russia and get rich (I think he isn't that rich now) off of the backs of the American people. So what, right Donald. Who cares? Every man/woman for him or her self.
19
Wait, this isn't an Onion article?
8
I would pitch this as a series called The Back Channel. The show would feature conversations between trump and putin as they react to the weeks news interspersed with the chaotic comedy of errors that is the trump administration. Putin would be the puppet master, the straight man and trump would be the comedic idiot like the Russian character, Yemelya who falls ass backwards into unexpected success all the while seeing himself as a genius.
22
The President: Vlad, you’re former KGB, you would have the answers to both these questions. First, where ARE Moose and Squirrel? Second, what do you do with reporters and pundits who annoy the hell out of you?
President Putin: Simple, Donald. Moose and Squirrel are in London, and they’re on my list. Second, I send reporters and pundits who annoy me to London and PUT them on my list.
14
Bret, I so look forward to your columns. Despite your thoughts on climate change I am still a fan. I get up in California and click on my digital NY Times and search for your opinions. Thanks.
5
What ?
"You know, I also won 77 percent of the vote, if you don’t count all the illegal Mexicans who voted for Hillary. Plus the gays and blacks. "
Is this really real !??
A president who swore to protect and uphold the constitution denigrates the minorities in his country.
6
This is a satire, Bruno. A satire. Although probably a lot closer to the truth than most satires........
12
Spot on, this frightening satire nails what at least appears to be the sad truth, Trump's useful idiocy exploited by a smarter, more craven and successful, criminal manipulator.
16
Great analysis of the relationship between the bros. Why is it that Republicans in Congress are blind to the reality that we have a president who is totally beholden to and compromised by a foreign adversary?
17
Excellent. Could you give us regular updates, at least until you disappear??? Just saying.
31
"The President: Love that. It’s like, “Lock her up,” Russia-style."
This could be an SNL skit.
So, it's another day in the White House. The schedule calls for the President to call Putin. Someone has to bring in his talking points, for DJT's review.
Then, DJT reads, "DON'T CONGRATULATE PUTIN."
What does DJT say;
A. "Oh yeah, good idea."
B. "Who is Putin?"
C. "Whoever wrote this is F I R E D."
3
So, who is the person that tells DJT what to say?
The voice in his head.
3
I know it's supposed to be funny but it basically made me want to kill myself a little.
24
Interesting---ONLY 60% of the Russians actually voted. Maybe, Putin should question why 40% were NOT going to the polls. Thus, 77% times 60 would come to less than 1/2 of all the Russians. SHOULD PUTIN BE CONCERNED????
7
Kind of scary that I thought it was real until Putin's 3rd line... he is smart enough not to say what he really thinks, unlike our Dirty Old Man in the White House.
8
I think it's hilarious that the only Trumpist responses have been one pretty lame, "Hey, Obama did exactly the same!!" and a forlorn, "Stephens, that lib'rul, is a big cheater because he didn't tell everybody that he didn't have no transcript really and nobody else but me, PhD, is savvy enough to know that this is, like, satire!!"
I'd like to think that even Trump people are starting to gag on all the rotted fish, but I doubt it. I mean, as Vlad often tells Rushbo, "Dude, your audience will swallow ANYTHING! Is making much jealous."
21
For some reason I don't find anything funny about this 'Transcript'. Credit is due to Bret Stephens for giving it a good try, while I cry, but far more amusing to this American was David Brooks' effort to write a fairly honorable Dickens essay where the tone was right.
By the bye, whatever happened to Edward Snowden? Notice there is no mention of 'Lamb' in this exchange. Trump's obsession with Hillary Clinton is unnerving.
Putin has enough brain cells not to count his power chickens before they have hatched. 'Lock her up' brings to mind the doomed Queen of France. Let me tell you if I lived in Russia I would fervently love Putin too.
Let us not forget the possibility of 'War under Trump', which was once a forgotten notion of 'not in my lifetime'. Lots of testimonies from survivors, one who died recently, an American of Mexican descent arrested in 1945.
When WWII was over the Nation was in a celebratory mode, while all over the world when barely ten years after this fight for freedom, there were people sick, afraid and despairing, and the President of Brazil shot himself to death.
Times are changing slowly. We have just voted in our conservative town for younger persons trusted to understand that pot-holes in the road do not mend themselves, children need more education, and that what has 'Always' worked, eventually needs to be restored, or enhanced for the better of All.
Poor Trump, where he is caught in a desert sand storm. America is rising again.
6
Miss Ley: " We have just voted in our conservative town for younger persons trusted to understand that pot-holes in the road do not mend themselves, children need more education, and that what has 'Always' worked, eventually needs to be restored, or enhanced for the better of All."
Where do you live, and are housing costs less than astronomical? I'd pack my bags in a minute. Please enjoy the wonderfulness of living in a common sense community.
1
Love the last line!! So over Trump's head!
6
This conversation reads like an Onion article. The banality of evil in all its glory.
5
It was very smart of you to use that actual transcript.
6
The conversation ends, the telephones hung up:
Trump: Ivanka, he likes me, he really likes me! I will be greater than I think I already am, maybe even president for life. My minions will worship me. Begone, FBI, commie red liberals, that gnat Pelosi. Thank you, my Lord and Master, my brother, my BFF across the sea.
Putin: Ivan, scratch off that fool in the White House. We got him right where we want him. He adores me, he really adores me! I am his Lord and Master.
21
Hardeeharhar. Now, I can't wait for hilarious recaps of the conversations between presidents of the United States and dictators & authoritarian leaders on every continent who have benefited over the past sex decades from the machinations of the Granddaddy of election meddling: the Central Intelligence Agency.
"The past sex decades," considerably enlivened this tired rehash of many Trump comments, and I recommend developing such wit further.
3
Beg pardon ? "You think the Unites States is so innocent?" .. one of the accuracies of the broken clock before heading to the dustbin.
But, Vlad, I have a porn star problem, what do I do?
2
Nevermind, vyperdysh perfectly describes Hannity.
2
Ah, Mr. Stephens: You have the edited version of the transcript. The intercept from which I quote is verifiable:
DJT: Hey, Vlade! Congratulations! My advisors told me not to call you, but what do they know? Even that wimp, shot-down, broken-down John McCain. Can you believe it? He went to war and got captured and tortured for five years. I got out of because my father’s docs fixed it.
VP: You’re a true American, Donald.
DJT: Howdja like the way I fired the number two guy in the FBI two days before his pension kicked in? Neat, huh?
VP: Number two, Donald? Do you mean you treated a bureaucrat like you’re going to the toilet on him? That’s so, ah, how do Americans say...?
DJT: [Interrupting] Yeah, yeah, my base wants me to use these deep state guys like toilet paper and...
VP: Donald, pardon me for breaking in but what are you going to do about your social media giants? They—and we—got you elected. America suspects the truth. You can’t go on with “fake news.” You need to take decisive measures to control—how do you say—the narrative.
DJT: Do you mean suspend cable TV—except Foxy Woxy—and newspapers and put them in prison?
VP: Ah, Donald, you catch on fast. It’s one reason we knew we could do business with you?
DJT: What should I do about North Korea? I bluffed when I said I’d meet Kimmie. What should I do?
VP: Pull back a week before you promised. It will create excitement and hide Mr. Mueller’s stuff from getting out. He’s getting close to you.
DJT: Really?
12
Very amusing, even if not factual or even remotely fair. The usual Trump hating dogs who are the vast majority of the NYT audience and commentators will jump higher than at the latest Maureen Dowd Trump Slander Column. (like the one calling him the "First Porn" president? I always thought that was Bill "Bubba" CLinton. Or was Bill the first rapist President, Bret?
I liked you better when you were on the WSJ Editorial board and shows.
President Putin: For my part, Donald, it is hardly the beginning. You know, Donald, we will always have the Moscow Miss Universe… how, you say… beauty pageant… just between us. I’m sorry I couldn’t meet with you back then, but I watched the videotape later… if you know what I mean? That was some show!
4
The next script should be about the Saudi's wanting to have Nukes and to also produce all the materials to make them. I think that conversation has already happened. Like Leobowitz says: "Trump's stupid and that's scarier than nuts"
3
This column appears irrefutably in the New York Times with text stating it is a transcript, which is not funny. Its appearance in the NYT makes it ripe for an undeniable claim that the paper prints false news. The reckless comedian who wrote it and the editor who enabled its publication should be writing for Comedy Central rather than "the failing New York Times".
2
Are you serious? Satire is not against the law. Get a grip.
9
Very nice use of humor to make the very serious point that Donald is a clear and present danger to the security of the United States and needs to be removed from office as soon as possible. We can deal with the mediocre stupidity of pence.
7
Natürlich? from a russian?
3
I read this and because I thought it was a transcript.
Change the headline. Mildly annoyed.
2
This is an amusing read and since its in the Opinion section I know its not actual news but I would prefer if the NYT only printed serious opinions least some amongst us (including myself) might be fooled into thinking this was real.
3
Great job, Bret Stephens. It takes a true satirist to imitate life so perfectly. Or does Trump imitate satire? Either way, great work.
8
You guys are going to have to start putting a big label on pieces like these: "This is NOT ACTUALLY TRUE." I had to read it for a while before I didn't believe trump actually said these things.
Like Anderson Cooper's dig on CNN, "Where's Putin's Nickname?"
Maybe Ivan, or Genghis, or Stalli, Pretty, I don't know.
2
Trump clearly has a crush on Putin. It could be that our President is beholden to him in one way or another; perhaps the Russians have dirt on him, perhaps they more or less own his business empire. Regardless, I think it has as much if not more to do with envy; envy that Putin is a relatively more powerful leader in his own country than Trump is in ours, Putin can "eliminate" political opponents in ways Trump wish he could, Putin is likely much more wealthy than Trump. The only way Trump could be more like Putin is if our country was more like Russia and our President seems hell bent on taking us there in his constant attacks on our various intelligence institutions and democracy itself, the ways in which he has rewarded the rich and shafted the neediest. It is treasonous; November won't arrive soon enough.
4
This is a waste of my subscription dollars. NYT’s is clearly anti-Trump and far from ‘fair and balanced’.
The writer is a conservative.
13
Horrosho.
2
Bret Stephens is off this week. Thank you to Maureen Dowd for filling in.
2
Brilliant!
2
The "Rocky and Bullwinkle" dialect is mildly offensive but otherwise the criticism is well stated. Cheers.
This is really funny. i laughed - until I realized it's real.
2
You do realize that if this Transcript goes viral on Facebook more than half the people reading it would believe that the phone call actually happened this way word for word!
5
Only a 2 on the comedy meater.
But, congratulations! on the last part showing the intricacies and interplay of various international issues. This is not a moment for idiots like the little boy in the oval office.
The world is, unfortunately, not all comedy.
Ummm, was I not supposed to say congratulations??
The President: I know I can make this work, Vladimir, I have a very good brain.
President Putin: Da, Tovarich, and nothing could “kompromat” my respect for you.
2
Trump:
'Ask not what your Country can do for you.
Ask what your Country can do for your LLC's.'
2
How is the Republican Gerrymandering, voter suppression, and trashing of the free press different from the kind of thing that goes on in Russia? The Republican Party offers a kinder and gentler version - call it Russia Lite, but they clearly wish to rule in the style of Vladimir Putin. Trump lacks the strategic wherewithal to keep his admiration for the man hidden, causing the party some embarrassment, but it is what it is.
4
Shame* on the author for so brilliantly mocking reality.
* "Shame" really means congratulations.
2
Bret, you probably realize your take on these best buds conversation is not that far from reality. Not Reality TV, but real reality. I'd be chuckling if it did not hit so close to home. How many Americans does it take to make an idiot president? Over 60 million and Electoral College loophole.
Now that puts any other ethnic joke to shame. Shame on you, America.
DD
Manhattan
8
Are you stealing from Gail Collins' shtick?
This column by Brett Stephens brings me to the following conclusion:
Love Putin? Vote Republican!
4
Why do you NYT types even try humor like this, now that Twitter exists? There's vastly funnier, vastly more cutting satire just flooding my feed... this article has all the knife-fighting venom of a powdered donut.
So use Twitter. Big difference between snark and satire you know.
2
Think out of the box! Trump leaked this info to control the conversation. Now we are hearing less about his hookers.
Comrade Wolf and Vladimir Solomonovich Pozner as the Hannity go between. Comrade Pozner can help polish the Hannity rough edges with a suave sheen.
The message repeated over and over gives the big lie traction. - J.G. Reich Minister of Propaganda and Popular Enlightenment.
Latest secret back channel between Donald and Vlad intercepted by US intelligence:
Donald: Congrats on winning the election. Not as great as my win since we have a dishonest press.
Vlad: Yes our press is honest and say exactly what I want them to say.
Donald: How do you think I’m doing Vlad?
Vlad: Perfectly. Just as we colluded, I mean as we consulted.
Donald: So we’re cool. No leaks coming from Russia, right?
Vlad: Not a leak my colorful comrade. Anyone who leaks gets Novichoked.
Donald: You mean they get strangled?
Vlad: Ha ha, my naïve American. It’s a nerve agent.
Donald: Did you use that to kill the spy in Britain?
Vlad: What do you think?
Donald: I think you did.
Vlad: It was the Jews.
Donald: I knew it. I never should have had Ivanka do that merger, I mean marriage with Jared.
Vlad: I have a good read for you Donald. It explains everything, I’ll email you a copy of Протоколы сионских мудрецов (The Protocols of the Elders of Zion)
Donald: I’ll keep it by my bedside with my copy of Mein Kampf
Vlad: And thank you for the autographed copy of Art of the Deal. It is now required reading for all the members of the FSB.
4
never try to outdo the best.
Give it up. Thomas L. Friedman is the only one who can do that kind of comic ventriloquism right. Still, I liked your Vlad suddenly slipping into his old KGB second language: natürlich.
1
Bret,
Was the portion about Stormy Daniels and Playmate censored or redacted from the transcript by the white house before release to the NYT?
2
OK. But not really funny. Stick to Journalism
Sadly, the congressional GOP has neither the will nor the integrity to confront this blight on our democracy. If anything, they run interference for Trump. This does not bode well ...
6
This is good. Trump's program to neuter and silence us. What kills me is he's getting away with it. Like when he said he could shoot someone in plain daylight and we'd still vote for him. Congressional leaders, where are you? Why the silence?
91
Well done. This should run once a week. Smart and entertaining, and instructive. I'm so exhausted by the chaos that is our country (and our world) that this helped organize it a bit for me so I can get a handle on it, briefly. What else you got?
34
Susan Fr - drink a smoothie, an energy drink, maybe a Bulletproof coffee, or eat some protein...knock that exhaustion back! Exhaustion is a desired reaction...Trump has been exhausting opponents his entire career...he knows how to run people down...
Dont succumb!
6
Brilliant piece of satire. There is always truth in jest... And I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not fertilize it!
3
Not a big Bret Stephens fan but this piece is right on the money. Presented as satire and Trump certainly is incapable of coherent speech or thought but this is the reality we live.
42
A fine column. Still, I'd feel much better if the public had the actual transcripts of any meeting or communication between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. Any reason that would be a problem for the President (ours, that is )?
2
Bret missed one crucial aspect of the trump/putin conspiracy, that is that trump is already in putin's pocket. trump is now in the qou portion of quid pro quo. trump does not want to be president for life, he's only in it, to quote Zappa,"for the money"!
14
It is covered in the last Putin comment, "...it is hardly the beginning."
Actually I think the reference you identify means putin has been working at his misdeeds. The implication being trump has no prior history in the conspiracy, when in point of fact their relationship began most likely in the 90's.
The dialogue statement I found most interesting was:
"President Putin: You must continue this, Donald. After Comey and McCabe it is essential to gain total control of security services."
If it means what I think it means then this could well be Trump's weakest link in his chain of deceptive actions that will take him to becoming a Putin look-alike, namely a dictator.
Wanna be Dictator-in-Chief Trump is on the road to establishing a dictatorship in this country.
He has started with the elevation of Pompeo from the position of CIA Director to the position of Secretary of State.
Pompeo does not have the background of experience necessary for this very important diplomatic position.
In addition Trump has the gall to promote Haspel from CIA Asst. Director to the position of CIA Director.
Haspel has a background of promoting torture as a workable CIA policy.
The warning signs of dictatorship have now become dominating as well as indicative of Trump's true agenda.
Trump is a self-promoting egomaniac who has his own view regarding his role in the governance of our country.
The GOP must put a halt to Trump's agenda, meet in a smoke-filled room, and insist that Trump resign.
Otherwise Trump will take down the GOP - an entity he very likely views as a group of useful idiots.
This is how the electorate has begun to view the GOP - and rightfully so.
The GOP must remove its blinders and act to thwart Trump, for only they can curb and end his agenda.
28
...and pigs must fly....?
4
Bret: you were in the executive residence in the White House for the phone call. You were the leaker of the conversation. Bad, Bret. Bad. Now tell me more.
24
this says it all.
"President Putin: We believe your most brilliant tactic is when you bait media into nonstop hysteria over your deliberately stupid Twitter comments so that journalists chase ghosts, people stop reacting and nobody sees your true intention. Bury signal in noise: Very clever!"
Be noisy, distract and dodge.
Its okay for the media to cover the tweets, counter their false claims - but they have to stop obsessing over them, and move on to what he and his appointees are doing. And doing wrong.
45
In Russia, elections are a pokazuka -- a faked show. 77%? Does anyone really think as the Russian economy and democracy has declined and repression increased the Russians love their president more? All the 77% shows is that the election workers think it is a more credible number than 99%.
16
Brilliant and will be shared.
However, it should be stated that this is satire given that NYT has printed other transcripts of Trump speaking with leaders of other countries (Australia, for example).
15
All you left out was Putiin's use of assassins to quiet and distract the opposition.
22
Too close to the truth to laugh.
31
There was no way I could laugh at this. It just felt too real. And therefore, terrifying.
15
President Putin: On second thought, Donald, I think a summit is good idea. How about we meet instead in Sochi?
The President: I haven't heard of that country. Is it far?
President Putin: No. Not all all. In my country but great seaside location. Plus, I will bring Olga and Natasha!
The President: Both?!?!?!
President Putin: Belief me!
16
"President Putin: We believe your most brilliant tactic is when you bait media into nonstop hysteria over your deliberately stupid Twitter comments so that journalists chase ghosts, people stop reacting and nobody sees your true intention. Bury signal in noise: Very clever!
The President: I do that? Great!"
Perfect. And thank you Mr. Stephens for a rare, genuine laugh out loud moment.
19
Sadly, this op-ed piece may resemble truth.
More than ever . . . VOTE on 11/06/2018!
34
An astonishingly well crafted, close to the bone column.
24
Other than President Obama made approximately the same callback in 2012 There's nothing wrong with this column. https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/barack-obama-vladimir-putin-congr...
I take it you somehow missed the part about fake facts and collaborationist right-wing media. Not to mention refusing to read what Obama actually said.
4
A lot has happened since then.
What geopolitical events have occurred since 2012 that might have made a congratulatory call inappropriate in 2018? Let's see..
Well, Modi and Xi and Raul Castro also congratulated Putin. I take it that you also have transcripts of THOSE calls? Give me a break!
"Narendra Modi congratulates Vladimir Putin on re-election as Russian president"
"African presidents congratulate China's Xi Jinping, Russia's Putin"
This whole Russia business has become - to me - a proof that the American press has become expert at inventing fake reality. And in this case, given Putin's command of over 6000 nuclear weapons, a dangerous fake reality.
Trump IS a lecher. He does shoot from the hip when he talks. And he is given to insulting people right and left.
All these things are true. But the entire Russia business looks like an invention of Trump's enemies and a dangerous invention at that.
I wish you would stop. I do not expect that you WILL stop.
1
Why does Trump find Russia, of ALL PLACES, compelling?
Russian/Soviet history is a hobby of mine...I'm fascinated with that large nation's general if not horrific failings...Russia has no glory days...It's the definition of a Benighted Country...About as unglamorous as can be...
What's the appeal to a philistine like Trump?
4
Uh...money?
5
What a Coup! How did you get that passed WH security? Who leaked that ? Was it the ghost of Rosemary Woods? Was it Snoop Doggy Dog? Ah, I know, it was Donny, Jr. thinking is was something that could hurt Hillary.
5
" To enthrone yourself you must completely dethrone truth, facts, proportion and objectivity."-Bret Stephens channeling Vladimir Putin.
If you substitute "your party" for "yourself" in the above quote, Mr. Stephens, haven't you really summarized one of the central tenets of the Republican Party since, say, 1994?
13
It is utterly irresponsible of NYT to publish this piece in this manner. Not everyone is savvy enough or astute enough to pick up on the fact that this is meant to be "satire" and that it is found in the Op-Ed section (and, hence, that this is not actually a NEWS article.) In particular, Stephens writes, "President Trump spoke with Vladimir Putin on Tuesday and, against the advice of national security advisers, congratulated the Russian president on his re-election to a fourth term. The New York Times has obtained a transcript of the call, published below:" In so writing, Stephens risks allowing readers to think this actually IS a NEWS item. To be ethical and to maintain its good reputation as a legitimate news outlet, the NYT needed to state clearly and up front that this was satire only.
7
Being 'satire-challenged' is the point.
4
I know education in this country is not what it used to be, but I sincerely hope we have not reached the point where satire has to be so designated! At least among subscribers of the NYT.
7
Is this comment satire?
4
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
4
Vote in 2018 and 2020.
If you can and want to, you can also donate to and canvass for politicians whose priorities and values you support. Help get out the vote. Voters have power. Everyday Americans are not powerless to do something to change the direction of the political leadership of this country, and our states and localities.
Vote. And get further involved if you want to.
5
How craven is the GOP to allow Trump another day in office?
9
Mr Stephens your satirical transcript of the
phone call between Putin and Trump is not funny.
It is actually very scary!
Now imagine Trump's meeting with Kim Jong-Un.
Downright Frightening!
12
First he took out the executive branch with his corrupt election win and fills cabinet with bunch of incompetent yes men.
Next he took out legislative branch because Republicans were too scared of him and his base to oppose him.
Now he’s trying to take out judiciary by having a flunky in charge and by firing Robert Mueller.
Once he’s done that his next step is to muzzle free press then onwards to full authoritarian control.
2
Sure sounds like the deep state released a transcript of actual wire tapped call. Yeah deep state !
2
Stop giving him ideas.
5
This article makes it sound like Bret wishes that Trump would become a Putin-like leader of the US. Really, Bret?
Enough the Trump Putin Bromance. Everyone suspects something kompromat between these two.
What we or should I say Mueller should be looking into with a deep dive is the GOP party relationship with Russia and or Russian money. With new information regarding Cambridge Analytica and their 'service' to various GOP candidates and causes combined with possible Russian money being filtered through the NRA to the GOP candidates and causes, there is now new areas for concern.
Paul Ryan was caught on tape asking for 'family loyalty' not to speak about Russian money for California representatives and Trump. And Paul and Mitch are way to sanguine about Trump and Russia.
Does the GOP party welcome more Russian interference in our elections? It did help in 2016 and the assumption is Russia would help only the GOP again in 2018 and 2020.
The GOP uses Trumpian tactics to hide the real source of their contributions. As with Trump, follow the money. Trump and Putin are the window dressing. There could be deeper relationships hidden from view.
1
The next satirical conversation Bret should do is Mitch McConnell talking to the ghost of Henry Clay, the great Ky senate leader and Pence talking to God.
6
Oh so brilliant, Bret Stephens.
4
Bravo. This is genius.
4
This is priceless ... and likely not far from the truth!
3
I’m painfully wincing in recognition this morning at the dark comedy from the conservative voice, Bret Stephens, formerly of the Wall Street Journal and now with the New York Times.
1
I can already hear the cries of "Fake News" from Trump supporters.
Why isn't the word SATIRE more prominent in this piece?
2
Critical comment: this should be clearly labeled up front as fiction (sadly, the sentiment and intentions of Putin and Trump in this piece are probably spot on - and so all the more important to be clear about this). The only clue is at the very bottom of the article in the fine print it shows that it is in the opinion section. This issue aside, its a brilliant piece.
1
While this is amusing, it’s disturbing that the paper of record would print it without some disclaimer indicating it is satire. We who read it now know it is (at least I hope so) but that’s not necessarily true in the future. A better intro would have made it clear this is the “supposed’ transcription.
1
Absolutely brilliant!
2
Wouldn’t we love to know who was in the room during the call? Certainly there were others; such an insecure man needs an audience of sycophants.
1
Spot on Bret Stephens! It does assume that 45 has a mentor-mentee relationship with Vlad as opposed to being blackmailed, but high minded newspaper columnists must take that line until Mr. Mueller finishes his investigation.
Even as disgusting, mean-spirited, and unfit as he is, America's problem isn't Trump - it's the people who support him. He'll be gone soon enough, but those who support him will be around for decades, holding America back and making life worse for those who represent America's future.
11
I no longer know what is real and what is satire.
We are now all on the bus to crazyland.
3
How very true it all is.
1
It's not funny that the middle class of the world has been used and abused and is now joining the even worse off poverty class. This is our creation.
This 'populism' that people talk about is totally economic. The billionaires of the world are happy, happy. Corrupt, greedy, bullying, destructive, inhumane and happy. We're complicit.
If we want to change the world then we better change our selfish motivations. When money is the master, our personal goal, then this evil-force-led world is what we get. What else would you expect?
Billionaires are bad for democracy and equality and community. Can't say that? Why? Because our 'freedom' to pillage and steal from the whole is our motto. The so-called communists of China and Russia are as bad as the capitalists of America: all greedy, selfish, vainglorious forces of destruction. Can't say that? Really, why's that?
Greed is a fever, and we've become very, very sick. America, Russia, China, all on the death-bed of humanity. Donald and Vladimir buddies in greed. 'Leaders'? Yes, but leading us where?
3
If it weren't so sadly true, this column would have elicited a slew of ROFLs. As it is, I am brushing up on the "duck and cover" drills I learned as a schoolboy.
1
Is anyone recording these phone calls? I mean like the FBI, CIA or even Melania ?
I'm beginning to feel we should not be reliant quite so much on the Kremlins reports to us!
This piece has a very scary ring of truth to it.
2
Great satire, because it reveals truth.
But please, what is the translation of vyperdysh?
1
Literally: " someone who appears out of farting ". Meaning: a small unimportant person who thinks he's King. Sound familiar?????
3
Americans, you should boycott the advertisers on Fox news as money seems to be the only thing that matters anymore. SAD!
5
The White House and Republicans in congress have succeeded in making
the leaking of "DO NOT CONGRATULATE" more egregious than President Trump's congratulating a murderous, lying, dictator for his "election".
President Trump is incapable of shame. But what is Rubio's excuse?
4
Whomever (of either party) wishes to defeat Donald Trump will have to destroy the hall of mirrors Trump's insanity has created. This piece of satire should in the file. A team of psychiatric experts should be hired - disarming a narcissistic is not an amateur excessive.
It is eerie to read Bret Stephen's satirical piece on Trump & Putin. Allow me to repeat my comment a few hours ago on the NYT Editorial: "Why Is Trump So Afraid of Russia?" I wrote:
"USA had an invasion of the body snatchers experience. What happened to its soul? Not that longer ago (remember Obama?) any American politician chummy with the Russian leader would be deemed a traitor. The whole country will be enraged, with condemnation pouring out all the way from Congressional leaders down to local newspaper editors, in churches and synagogues With Trump it was dead silence. It's scary sci-fi turned into even scarier reality show."
I'll add this coda: the Dark Force triumphed across the globe wherever Democracy American-Style with popular voting system is installed as the political system. The machinery of Democracy saps out kindness, good-will, fellowship, charity and fair-play; it replaces them with cynicism, anger, hatred, ill-will, illicit plots and Me-First selfishness.
In Canada this Dark Force is hard at work. Read this morning's NYT op-ed by Stephen Marche "Will Canada Elect a Tin-Pot Northern Trump?" It's a horror picture show!
2
Putin: And one more thing Donald. Arrest all of Congress preemptively, that way there can be no impeachment.
Trump: Tremendous idea.
94
Trump: And Vlad, you may have poison, but I have non-disclosure agreements. I use them all the time.
What? They never talked Real Estate or bank loans? Aw, c’mon, you know DT’s attention span for all things that don’t make him a buck in the long run is severrely limited. Oh. Wait. That’s what they’ll talk about at Mar-a-Lago, right?
4
Can you add a description to the top something like, “a parody of what the transcript may have looked like”. It’s early here on the West Coast, but, I thought for a moment this was real. The President is low level and outrageous enough that it could be true. It’s chilling to think that we’ve reached a point where a spot meant to be fun and ridiculous is in line with actual events.
2
Thanks very much, Mr. Stephens. I'd signal a "thumbs up," but as the photo painfully reminds us, Trump now owns the gesture and using it is the equivalent of putting on a ridiculous red MAGA cap. Fortunately the use of another digit is still possible and surely the digit of choice in response to this frightful stand-in of a real president (i.e., a FAKE PRESIDENT).
2
A wise man observed that “to think is to suffer,” since, implicitly, thinking involves actually noticing reality for a change. Trumpism is the tragedy of a people determined to demonstrate the accuracy of Swift’s definition of “happiness” as “the perpetual possession of being well-deceived, the serene, peaceful state of being a fool among knaves.” Trump, Fox, and Rush have all hooked our dolts by amusing them to death. Trump’s real charge against Jeb Bush was that he was boring. So were Washingron and Eisenhower, among others. We’re finally reaping the full fruits of the Sixties mantra, “If it feels good, do it.” Soon we’ll find out the cost of living by our Boomers’ Second Commandment: “Don’t worry, be happy.” Trump’s tweets symbolize how he wins with dunces by being more “fun” than Jake Tapper. Besides, the tweets distract the fools from having to face the painful fact that America is now run by Moscow. Party on!
1
Creative satire, Stephens. They're summit meeting will really be a Putin sponsored course on eliminating the opposition. Trump knows he'll need more than Don Rickles like insults to fend off his political foes next time.
The decline in trust for the media is not what worries me the most, the slow maddening slide into an America unlike any I have witnessed in my 68 years. What worries are the changes impacting all Americans, not just the ones who voted for this con man. Dysfunctional congress, crumbling infrastructure, class warfare and attacks on all branches of government from the WH on a daily basis have brought us to the edge of a precipice that the framers of the constitution had foreseen, a king with a court of jesters to entertain him and the citizens admiring his new clothes.
Gone is the statesmanship that the presidency represented both here and abroad, the words/tweet tantrums showing a clear understanding of the impact these messages carry, replacing any possibilities of diplomacy or leadership, while the total lack of any adults in the room is somehow normal, defies reason.
The only way to stop the madness is to VOTE this clown off the island.
1
The idea that paying no attention to the tweets and the ridiculousness would make it better or more focused is, I think, erroneous. We can walk and chew gum at the same time and more importantly I think his crazy tweets actually reveal all the unfitness, corruption, complicity etc in ways that "serious" news doesn't. I know more than a few people who don't pay much attention to serious articles, who were disposed to give him a chance and thought the claims overblown, who felt the tweets revealed his incompetence and unfitness and are now converted to never trumpers. When a president tweets, it IS news, whether reported or not.
3
Funny. Good stuff. Gail and Bret should team up and write Putin-Trump Summit with focus on differences between Russian and US attorneys.
Among other illustrations of the current reality in which we live, Mr. Stephens ' brilliant understanding and exposure of how repressive dictatorial systems operate seem more palatable when done with sarcasm and humor. This is what it is folks. The depth and the nuances are all here in this OP-ED piece.
3
Putin: But if sanctions don't go away we may have to release the Kraken.
Trump: The who? The what?
Putin: The Kraken, Donald. What you call the Pee-Pee tape.
Trump: You mean it DOES exist?
Putin: Yes, Donald. It's right here in the top drawer of this desk.
Trump: I'll buy it off of you! How much?
Putin: Make me an offer.
Trump: One million dollars.
Putin: Hah! Who are you: Doctor Evil? What do I need with a million U.S. dollars? I've already got more money than you can ever dream of.
Trump: What then?... My soul?
Putin: Hah! Can't give me something you don't have.
Trump: Then...what?
Putin: Last-born man child.
Trump: Barron?
Putin: Yes, to raise as my own. To grow up big and strong and live forever as my heir. Like in Stephen King story.
Trump: You drive a hard bargain. Melania's gonna give me hell. But OK, I'll Fed-Ex him over to you as soon as I'm home.
Putin: Karoshay! Now sign on dotted line, and not write "David Dennison".
Trump: Done. Now give me the pee-tape.
Putin: Here it is. Nastroviya!
Trump: Great. So we're all set, right?
Putin: Da. Unless, of course, you want me to destroy all the copies of that tape.
Trump: D'oh!
139
If only it were funny. - We've ended up at a spot where people now have only a menu of conspiracy theories to choose from, with the truth being one of them and the least appetizing to those in positions of power and influence.
12
When truth is stranger than fiction personifies American life, things will only get worse.
12
I can't laugh at this. It seems too close to what likely happened.
55
The problem I have with all the hand-wringing over the phone call and Trump's decision to ignore the DO NOT CONGRATULATE directive is this: as it bounces around the echo chamber, there seems to be some suggestion that Putin would never have won his re-election if voting had been fully fair and free. That is pretty clearly nonsense. Putin may have only won 70% of the vote, but everything I read says that, for better or worse, Putin enjoys very broad support in his country.
I get that Trump's positioning vis-à-vis Russia and Putin is a head-scratcher. But let's not delude ourselves as to Putin's popularity at home.
4
The ONLY way to measure Putin's support is with a free and fair election. There were only two other potential candidates. Given that Vlad murdered one and levied trumped-up criminal charges against the other, winning a landslide victory is - how you say - "fake news".
3
I first thought of proposing the adoption of this article as 'required reading' in in my college across all curricula. Succinct, funny, rapier wit.
But I do see some challenges. The left wing will immediately oppose this. Because the article is not dolphin safe, written by a Caucasian male, who is likely rich. Knee-jerk rejection will occur; fruit will be flung at me.
The right wing will label me a communist, of course. Demand rapid deportation. Or, failing that, having me serve as lion fodder.
But the middle does not offer much hope. Most are unlikely to read this fully. I can predict the emails I would receive:
"Do I have to read this?"
"Will we be tested on this?"
"What exactly do you want me to know?"
And if I were to test comprehension, I risk the likelihood of finding out that the irony was lost on one too many.
I.e., one too many a reader might regard it as a true transcript, reflective of what occurred, and infer that the Russian president is indeed a great admirer of Trump, their hero.
I can see why democrats are perennially whining; I would too if like Sisyphus, I had the boulder running downhill all the time regardless of how hard I pushed.
Kalidan
9
How many Republicans besides John McCain can you name that you are certain are not secret admirers of Putin? Trump's admiration for authoritarian leaders is pretty obvious, but I bet Ryan, McConnell and Sessions all dream about crushing the free press and rigging elections.
29
"but I bet Ryan, McConnell and Sessions all dream about crushing the free press and rigging elections."
I believe that too.
1
I can't imagine Trump saying, much less properly pronouncing, the word "Pozdravlyayu."
Otherwise, the rest of the conversation seems reasonable, if not probable.
16
And the GOP Congress and his base just shake their shoulders...Unbelievable we have an obvious Manchurian candidate in the Oval Office and yet, no push back..In fact quite the opposite, we have Representatives in the House actually vilifying the FBI and "documenting" Trump's being framed. November can't arrive too soon.
28
Bret, perhaps your intent with this piece was to be humorous, but although fiction, I find no humor in this. Especially when I think about the attacks against President Obama not being an American Citizen. This went on for years and individuals named in this column championed that piece of fake news not because our former President is a Democrat, but because he is Black. As you are well aware, Fox News still manipulates the truth and does not apologize for doing so. The only take away from this piece for me is the fictional assertion that we will become desensitized by this administrations antics. To the contrary, we will not. No matter what economic class, race, religion or gender we are, we have relatives or people that we know who have fought and died for this country. We may not all agree on policy, but we will not watch our country go down in flames by this divisive, ungodly, greedy administration who doesn’t believe that all people were created equal and fails to protect our country from a hostile foreign power. As an independent, I tried to stay high while republicans went low, but enough of this hypocrisy is enough. If Obama had done 0.3 percent of what Trump is doing he would have been gone. Our Rich White President can do anything and mums the word? This is not the America I once knew. Yes, we have 99 other problems Bret, but Trump and Republicans who aren’t defending our democracy are huge ones! Not amused Bret.
22
Here is the question:
How is it that no republicans are willing to say this? Every time I bring this up to my Trump loving friends, they attack Obama, and the site tax cuts.
Trump's actions represent a clear and present danger to our democracy.
If Mueller finds something, Trump and his lackeys will scream deep state conspiracy.
The republicans will hesitate to act, and this country will be in grave trouble.
The only way to protect against this: implement real term limits, so congressman will stop trying to be reelected and rather do what is right.
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Trump's strategy of gaming the media is so absolutely true. He's been a master of this for 30 years. Cable news talking heads have been talking about this since at least late 2015, and yet their panels of mini talking heads go right back to shouting their outrage -- for hours and hours -- over each of Trump's latest tweets. Much of what Putin advised him to do, Donald has already accomplished. Most of the Fox News "opinion journalists" have been reading from his play cards for years and his tweets can totally control the news cycle on CNN and MSNBC whenever he chooses to do so.
Way too many performers masquerading as "journalists" these days. Not so sure they will ever wake up to how easily manipulated they continue to be. For Donald, these guys are child's play.
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Ward,
Pretty abstract thinking with little realism. So what CNN should do? Ignore Trump completely? How about the right wing media complex that controlls the political narrative in this country? In Democracy it is people who can change everything and take control, isn't it? Of course, if they are informed and competent to tell the lie from truth, and able to tell evil from the good. In our Democracy people lost those abilities and tend to blame everyone else but themselves. They are well primed to follow demagogues and this has nothing to do with CNN or MSNBC.
So Vladimir speaks through Bret Stephens
Explaining to Trump that his reasons
For using deception
Is not an exception
But a tactic used in all seasons
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I agree with many others who have commented that this is a brilliant piece. And exceptionally chilling because, as so many have said, it sounds a clear note of truth in the static that has been created. I would like to emphasize that the use of phrases like “deep state” and “lock her up,” amongst others, were created and vetted by Cambridge Analytica. A company largely financed by the Uber rich Mercer family, solid Trump supporters; and upon whose board Bannon used to sit. These facts — facts — should not get lost in the static. These are calculated moves that were designed to manipulate Americans and to elect Trump; and we know the Russians had been grooming and seducing (double meaning intended) Trump for years; and we know the Russians interfered with our elections. Add in that Putin is a master former KGB, playing Trump — we are in dangerous times indeed.
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Cambridge Analytica was instrumental in helping push the Brexit, a favorite project of the European far right, white nationalists and Russia.
Dang Stephens! You have an extension on your desk? Sounds too accurate to be invented.
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And I was wondering how long it would take for someone to point out, whether in the service of satire or otherwise, that, by holding back on the sanctions until days before the Putin election, Trump was helping Putin win.
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You know what the definition of Reality and Un-Reality is? Trump supporters will believe that this is exactly what took place. So sad.
Worse yet, they'll just shrug their shoulders.
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SNL, take this directly to a skit! These kinds of satires are an excellent way to get the truth out.
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Unfortunately the reality is worse than the satire.
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It's all about The Art of the Deal. Not the substance. You want people to ignore what's actually happening. Focus on how skillful you are at negotiating detente with Russia, which is once again rising as a world power thanks to Trump.
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Well written dialogue that captures the essence of the most serious threat to American institutions and democracy itself. Trump is the embodiment of what they have in Russia: a population that has bought into an authoritarian strongman who promises to make Russia great again at the expense of human rights, fair elections, and the very truth itself. Unfortunately, a sizable minority of Americans would be just fine with this situation while a larger majority does not even consider it to be an existential threat.
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I groaned when I saw the headline. Oh no, I thought. A column that telegraphs its satire. Political satire is hard to do, and I never thought of Brett Stevens in the same company as George Orwell, Hunter S. Thompson, Christopher Buckley, or P.J. O’Rourke. But this turned out to be one of the best pieces around on Trump’s plans for political distraction/destruction. Thanks, Bret.
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This isn't satire. It isn't funny. It is the cold, hard truth.
It's brilliantly done for this reason. Most people like and respond to a story, a narrative. They don't want to be lectured to, (Obama). They don't want to be schooled in facts and figures. They want to be told a story. Bret Stephens just did that.
In fact, since the beginning of humanity, oral story telling was the primary means of spreading information. That's all we had. Perhaps our minds have not yet evolved sufficiently to identify and process news yet. People would rather learn about the world through stories. Life lessons are better taught through stories. The Bible is structured in that fashion.
We need a modern day equivalent of Aesop's Fables entitled Trump's Follies to get the message out about how dangerous Trump is and the damage he has done to our nation. I think it would be effective.
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You've got it right, Bruce!
(And I'll include this in my course on persuasion and rhetoric this semester!)
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Good idea, but what species of animal needs to be denigrated by representing trump?
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Bruce:
You could kill a Henny Youngman joke.
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"You replace honesty with authenticity" ... that's good! Trump lies as much as he likes, and as long as he looks sincere, his supporters don't mind.
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Remember "truthiness" Steven Colbert's construct? An essential tool to understand the battle over Fake News. This piece is masterful. Sounds like it actually took place. The use of Russian idiom etc.... Spaziba Brett.
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This "interview" is spooky in that it rings so true.The most chilling statement is Mr.Putin's caution that to "enthrone yourself ,Donald, you must dethrone the news".In this piece Mr.Stephens shows us in stark terms what we are struggling with when we try to make sense of the Trump behavior.We should read it and reread it carefully.
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Sadly, I read through the first part believing it!!! It's really not out of the realm of possibility, however, especially with Jared's pre-arranged back channel.
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One of the protagonist is not bragging at all what makes the fictional dialog unbelievable.
10
The brilliance of this column: it expresses the reality that Putin knows exactly what he's doing, while Trump is just being Trump. It's a pure expression of the Putin Doctrine, an updated Machiavelli treatise on how to use kompromat and intimidation and disinformation to seize and retain power.
By default, Trump being Trump applies the methods of a Putin, but without understanding how or why. So he is and always will be outgunned and outmaneuvered by the Wily Vlad.
Sadly, a mean-spirited, self-centered doofus can also take over and ruin a country. He doesn't have to be cunning, just intent on imposing himself.
Our country, with its serial bombers and school shooters and corrupt politicians and vampire capitalism and crumbling infrastructure is in a downward spiral already, while Trump preens and struts in the Oval Office with the sole goal of gilding his self-image.
There's financial bankruptcy, an art that Trump has perfected in skating free from his debts four times already, and then there's moral bankruptcy.
Can America skate free from that?
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No, he's the tip of the spear.
4
What I find refreshing about this transcript is that nothing was lost in translation!
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Sadly, this seems all to believable.
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This was frightening perfection. Well done, Mr. Stephens.
Let us write, read, resist, march, run, and vote our way out of this Orwellian nightmare.
171
Reagan got rid of the fairness doctrine. Fox News paved the way for the belief in the deep state. I don't see any easy way to undo 30 years of thought manipulation in such a big portion of our electorate.
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The so-called Fairness Doctrine didn't require fairness in the sense you mean. It required access to what was then scarce TV signal - 3 networks + PBS - to diverse voices.
In short, it was a rationing scheme.
But TV signal isn't scarce anymore. I get a hundred channels over the air, for free, where I live. And then there's pay TV, where Fox News lives.
If what you want is a Truth Doctrine, then say so. But that's a dead letter, too, for a completely different reason.
1
Trump should say to us, the American People: My fellow Americans, I am sorry. I realize that Russia, and others, including some running my campaign, including some in my family, colluded to manipulate the election so that, while I did not win the popular vote, I "won" the electoral vote.
Consequently, for the sake of the well being of our nation, I am going to meet with members of the House and Senate, and also hold public meetings, which will have the purpose of forming a coalition government. I believe the outcome should be that for the remainder of this presidential term, a Republican should be president and a Democrat should be Vice President . And, starting now, this new presidential administration and a collaborative Senate and House should openly explicitly plan fair and safe forthcoming presidential election. And, I ask your forgiveness, as I resign the presidency, and as I reduce my private holdings so I have just enough to live very comfortably. But neither I, nor my children, nor anyone else, need unnecessary and obscene amounts of money and wealth. Finally, I will join in the meaningful and reasonable and ethical project of quickly ending poverty as well as marginal wages and benefits for all Americans. I apologize. My children apologize. My in-laws apologize, They are joining me by reducing their monies and wealth, and in ending poverty in our nation, and around the world. Your humble servant, Donald Trump
Let's take it: sanctions on North Korea for lifting sanctions on Russia in the Ukraine. That's a good deal. Who really cares about the Crimean peninsula except the Europeans? Why must we always do what Europe demands? What has Europe ever done for us?
2
Please look-up "Neville Chamberlain" and "appeasement".
3
Perfectly done. Insightful, incisive, detailed & clear. And I am, of course, someone who is appalled by Mr. Stephens' politics. That should tell us something: communication is possible, even under the regime of the Trump noise machine.
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"We believe your most brilliant tactic is when you bait media into nonstop hysteria over your deliberately stupid Twitter comments so that journalists chase ghosts, people stop reacting and nobody sees your true intention. Bury signal in noise: Very clever!"
Great column--Bret Stephens, you're the voice of Putin. Well done.
According to this "progress report," Donald Trump is more than halfway through his pact with the devil. Now the devil is upping the ante, getting to the heart of the matter: sanctions.
Could it be that lifting sanctions is the tradeoff for ensuring Putin never reveals what he has on the Donald?
Stranger things have happened. But since we're dealing with Mafiosi, just remember this: he who has real power will keep increasing the terms demanded of those in its thrall.
So long as Donald Trump fears Putin, for whatever reasons, Putin has the upper hand. Could anything be clearer?
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I think it's worse than fear - although I'm sure Trump fears Putin - he actually admires him, wants to emulate him. It would be bad enough if he merely feared Vladimir Putin but I think he wants to be him and that's why we're in terrible trouble.
I think that the statement at the top suggesting that this is a real transcript is going to cause the NYT problems, even though it is on the opinion page. Mildly amusing at best, but that blanket statement "The New York Times has obtained a transcript... published below." is a bad idea.
84
I agree. I was scrolling for confirmation so that I did not assume it real or unreal.
3
The "Opinion Page" is noted as such for a reason. Please try not to confuse the work of columnists and reporters. You don't get news from anyone's column, you get opinion.
Bravo Mr. Stephens.
21
Thank you for pointing this out Anne-Marie. More juvenile beating the drum for war with Russia and bemoaning the loss of the election, facile meanderings on the level of Fox News, and not the least bit constructive.
1
Enjoyed this column.
The cautions about the dismissal of Andrew McCabe are especially shrewd.
81
This is not at all funny.
1
Not a big fan of Mr. Stephens.
"faux & firends" will have a field day with this. It'll be interesting to see how fast it makes the rounds. On April 1st it could be excused, but considering the current state of affairs, I don't find it the least bit amusing.
8
My comment has nothing to do with the contents of this article, it's merely about Bret Stephens.
I first heard about Mr. Stephens when he was a panelist on Bill Maher's show, Real Time. I was very impressed with the way in which he presented facts and articulated his conservative views. Much to the chagrin of my liberal friends, I do believe we need conservative voices like those of Mr. Stephens so that we understand what the political views of those who we disagree with are. It's only through dialogue that we will eventually make politics less toxic. It's also heartening to see the kind of principled stance taken by Mr. Stephens on a lot of issues - proving once again that truth and integrity have no bias.
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Well put.
I like Bret.
Most conservative policy positions don't stand the test of empirical scrutiny (trickle down economics, climate change denial) but some of the ideas on individual freedom and limited government intrusion are worth integrating into our political discourse. (Individual abortion rights and personal flag protesting not included obviously. Maybe those are what they call "carve outs").
Bret, like most articulate conservatives, makes a good case - just discernibly dubious at times.
But, credit anyway!
25
I fully agree. His appearance on Bill Maher was fantastic.
8
Bret Stephens and Dave Brooks are both class acts and add balance to my thinking. But i'm still correct and they are Right.
37