The headline for this article, but more so the comment section should be “Old Man Yells at Cloud”
44
This was like that overly thought out excuse by my 9 year old daughter for why she can’t eat her peas. Yes, your thoughts make some sense. I have had to make concessions at a restaurant on occasion and have seen that lone shrimp get stranded.
I think you just need to get over it and stop being a complainer (and possibly even selfish!). Eat a little faster or just pile up your “share plate” a bit more so you can eat slow. It is in and it really isn’t that big of a deal...And, maybe you’ll have fun if you let yourself.
8
Oh come now, Alex. Surely you can spare a bite? Personally, I love shared plates for the simple reason of: I want to try everything, but my metabolism won’t let me. The first bite tastes like the last, after all. If I go out, I’m prepared not to fuss over cost equity. Sounds like we wouldn’t be good dinner dates, you and I. Smash the patriarchy! Share a bite!
I did truly appreciate the cultural context of dining history though - great read!
4
Sharing plates at the dinner table creates connection and encourages idea sharing! As a proudly efficient (fast) eater, i find that sharing inevitably results in a more democratic meal pace where no one need suffer “the slowest eater I’ve ever met!” Seriously, spare your friends and family the self-righteous indignation and enjoy your meal - together!
6
Next step for the befuddled masses, you must feed your table-mates. Think about how good it would feel to stick your fork into someone's mouth!
16
I prefer splitting large meals in half too much food usually, but sharing is another story, and why do people feel the need to try others food. If they wanted to eat my duck they should have just ordered it themselves. I want what I ordered, most of us go out frequently at the next dinner order what you want, it won't kill you if a mistake is made and you don't like it. It's not like anything is that unique and you won't get the opportunity again. One time at a dinner - I wasn't feeling well and eating slowly one of the guys asked me if he could finish my dinner since I didn't look like I was going to finish it taking sharing to another level.
16
This is one of those articles that gives voice to something that's been on my mind for years, so thank you, Alex Williams. My annoyance with sharing in Western-style restaurants is wrapped up in memories of eating out with my parents, for whom offering up a taste of anything you ordered to everyone at the table became a kind of ritual starting in the mid-90's. The author nails just what I most despised about this phenomenon with the word "Kabuki." The weird theater of it really got to me. Oh, you must try this! Oh this is delicious! It turned courses into these phony meet-and-greets with everyone's plates and tastes, and peeled valuable minutes off the conversational game clock.
However, when I go to, say, a Thai or Chinese restaurant, where family-style eating is culturally sanctioned, there's none of this discomfort. Everyone knows the deal and there isn't the need to go through all the mugging, oohing and aahing. I think it may be as simple as the setup–when everyone has an empty plate in front of them and the to-be-shared dishes go in the middle, sharing works great.
I guess that Service a la Russe thing is very defining. If I'm going to play that game of sitting up straight and minding my manners and enduring all the decorous waiterese, don't make me screw with the whole system by trying to share within that rigid facade. Let's keep our silverware in our hands and have the kind of European-style conversation we're pretending we have at home.
23
I don't like ordering food to share. I may let someone try a shrimp or a chunk of chicken, but generally, it's my food, darnit.
28
Love it!
I hate to share. You need to make a choice and stick with it. I don't want your fork messing up my plate and I especially dont want food unceremoniously dumped from your plate in mine. No No No! If you are afraid that you will miss out on something then order more for yourself or maybe just get enough maturity to understand that you cannot have everything all the time.
33
I don't like sharing. I don't like meat and I love carbs, which most people seem to think are toxic. Last time I went out to eat with a group, my part of the bill was $30. I got 2 bites of an eggplant dish and then ate when I got home. I kept saying that I'd just order my own meal so as to not get in the way of the meat fest but the group was insisting there would be "lots" for me to eat. I wanted to stab everyone at the table with my fork!
73
I loved this story. So true, on so many levels. I can’t stand ordering plates “for the table.” There are always people who get more (greedy), people who get less (afraid to be greedy). I want to eat what I want to eat, and not share something I would never have ordered in the first place. Please, just let me order my own food, as untrendy as that may be!
68
A number of years ago my late husband was diagnosed and treated for esophageal cancer, which resulted in the removal of ~2/3 of his stomach and 3/4 of his esophagus. When we went to a restaurant for dinner, we shared an entree so that he wouldn't be tempted to overeat. (He grew up in a "clean plate club" home.) It worked for us, but I occasionally wished I could have my own meal, and I'm pretty sure he did too.
7
There's a difference between a tasting menu and sharing food communally, which is often done in Chinese, Italian, Indian and Turkish restaurants. Restaurants that offer "tasting" or "small plates", I have found, are often charging for each plate nearly what a full entree would cost. And with each diner being "encouraged" to order 3 or 4 plates, that adds up. Great for the restaurant's bottom line, not so much for the customer. If dining out is a very occasional pleasure, one may not want to run up such a big tab and risk still going hungry. I have found that more than 4 people at a small plate type eatery creates an unpleasant feeding frenzy and a very crowded table. If the waitstaff doesn't clear as needed, the table becomes cluttered & uncomfortable. Whereas in family style eating a la Italian or Chinese one can order starters for all or some to share, then a selection of entrees to share. It's also a great way to introduce children or timid eaters to unfamiliar dishes without ordering a whole serving of something they may not like. I've found even people who might not like sharing are happy with family style because they can get a regular portion of what they like without feeling they're depriving others. And there are always serving utensils provided. That's often not the case in tasting or small place eateries. It' great way to share a case of the flu.
21
The comment about no one eating the last forlorn shrimp reminded me of a skit by the English comedian John Finnemore. He imagines a group of logicians having tea and there are two biscuits remaining. No one would be rude enough to eat the last biscuit, but then they realize that no one would be rude enough to eat the penultimate biscuit, which has become the last feasible biscuit to eat. However, that means that the third-from-last biscuit is similarly proscribed, and working backwards like that, no one could eat the first biscuit. Therefore in a shared meal everyone goes hungry.
21
Sharing meals with my boyfriend makes me eat to fast. I ended up with gastro issues. If we do share now, before the first fork goes into it, I split the course evenly onto separate plates. No more heartburn and I can enjoy the meal at my own pace.
7
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hate shared plates. I want to eat what I have selected. Even in a la Russe settings, I don't want to give up what I have chosen to taste a morsel of something I don't like or don't want. And while we are at it, I wish people would stop aggressively pushing others to try whatever it is that they are eating. I don't want it.
There is also the issue of quantities; with shared plates, we always end up with too much food. You don't know how big a serving is; is one plate about the size of one normal appetizer, bigger, smaller?
Is there any way to get this article to every small plate restaurant in North America?
25
Oh, how interesting! I always hated to share food, even as a child, I still hate it. As a slow eater, I always end up hungry, if we share!
13
Couldn't love and agree more with your thoughts on this subject. Just last week had a small plate dinner with girlfriends at a hipster restaurant in the city. Of the party of 4, one friend is dairy and gluten free, so every decision was ran past her as to a yay or nay. She insisted to get what we wanted but no one wanted to be "that selfish". Each person paid $73 for dinner and when I came home starving, I pulled out the saltines and peanut butter and had at it. Tired of this trend where I eat one bacon wrapped date, a skewer of chicken satay and a bite or two of something else and that's my dinner out.
46
Maureen - I agree with you - I hate to share because I am that person who is gluten free & dairy free! (Not by choice.) I don't want the guilt of anyone needing to accommodate my food restrictions. Please go ahead and order what you want and I'll order what I want and we'll all be happy! Sharing with a group is awful.
18
All true.
7
Thank you, Alex Williams, for saying so well and politely what I've been thinking in thoughts that have occasionally verged on murderous. I don't want to cater to anyone else's GottaHaveThats, I want to eat what **I** want to eat. All by myself. No sharing either wanted or required. Anyone who dares to try to steal one of my beloved deep-fried baby artichokes is liable to get a metaphorical fork plunged into his/her hand. And I no longer go to a restaurant with a friend who took it as her due that she could fork up food off my plate, always without even asking permission. Service à la Russe is an eminently civilized way to dine.
23
The “small plates” concept — basically Spanish tapas-style dining writ large — has several downsides.
Start with the cost. Small-plates is not being driven by a desire to create “communal energy” or “culinary literacy” or whatever hipsterism is being attached to it: it’s being driven by money. If a restaurant prices its small plates at $10-$16 each, a table of four will order 12 to 16 dishes, or even more. That translates into at least $30 a head, without alcohol, on high margin dishes.
And no one seems to know how to serve small plates correctly. Whatever happened to serving utensils? You know, so I don’t have to watch my friends serve themselves with their eating forks before passing a dish to me. And, as other commenters point out, plates shouldn’t appear in random order.
Then there’s the problem of divvying up dishes that don’t divide up easily. At one small plate restaurant, we had to appoint someone at the table special “pork-back-cutter-upper” just so we could share a dish that resembled a solid piece of hard-to-cut shoe leather.
Small plates dining strikes me as a trend that’s been created for the benefit of owners, not their customers.
37
If someone thinks the hot chicken Milanese at Popina is too hot, maybe instead of ordering for yourself you should just find a new dining partner.
2
Restaurants also push sharing because it is so much easier for the kitchen and waitstaff. Instead of carefully coordinating the timing of courses, the kitchen can put out dishes whenever they’re ready (with the convenience of making multiple orders of the same dish at one time) with no consideration of whether the table is ready for more food or not. It makes it difficult to match wine with food, and it often results in a table loaded with more food than the customers can eat at that moment. I hate the whole concept.
35
Neither my late husband nor I are/were sharers. We dined out one night with a married couple of not-particularly-close friends (people new to our social network) who, when the food came, started feeding off each other's plates, and had the temerity to plunge their forks into our food. I nearly jabbed Janet with my fork but said, "Please don't do that -- if you'd like a taste -- I'm happy to give you some." She got huffy. It was our last meal together.
33
Yeah you do just sound like a stodgy cultural reactionary. Especially the part about how fine tuned and wonderful traditional American dining is. It seems very ethnocentric. Just because you’re used to something and grew up with that and can’t change doesn’t mean people who enjoy food all have to be like you. Also the jab at reviewers on instagram. Online media is the new newspaper. Every generation when they get older is appalled and has a tendency to reject the advances and changes of younger ones. There were people against paper in school because kids couldn’t write on slates anymore. Now we have people against computers because people don’t have elegant penmanship on paper. I’m sure voice dictation will be the next thing underfire because people won’t type as well anymore. If you want to be stodgy and stuck in time great but don’t put others down for being progressive.
2
It's not progressive to eat off someone elses plate or insist they order something you like to "share" - it's just rude. Manners have no half life, they don't go out of style -sorry.
65
So many thoughts. Where to start? I think the author forgot to mention one of the main reasons why restaurants are pushing the "sharing" thing: So that they can sell larger, more expensive plates. First, they made almost everybody fat with their three portion plates served individually. When people started to complain, instead of making the plates smaller, they introduced "sharing."
The only thing I can share with friends/acquaintances is pizza. With my husband and daughter, we tend to share the huge main courses in an attempt to keep our calorie intake under control. But I do miss getting my own choice, as my daughter hates seafood, and I would sometimes like to have scallops or octopus (at some restaurants, appetizers will solve this issue). I love French restaurants because their portions tend to be so small, that they are not "shareable." They are also very rational calorie-wise. The downside is that they tend to be expensive.
Going to a restaurant is supposed to be a pampering experience, something to enjoy, not to have to silently tolerate. If I want to share, I might as well stay home.
To the restaurants I say: It is about time you offered balanced individual portions. Forget the sharing, forget the overload. I am there for quality, not quantity. For a culinary experience shared with others through each of our INDIVIDUAL, decently sized, plates.
26
Well said! “...when sharing you are probably going to end up with a little of what you do want and a lot of what you don’t want.” Seems to be the nature of compromise. While on a tour of China, all the meals were family style. I grew so tired of it, not because I didn’t like the food, but because I never got enough bites of the things I liked and wasted, obligatory bites of whatever was spinning around the lazy susan. Sigh. I don’t mind sharing if we order large quantities of just a few things—my choice, of course!.
15
My preference is the middle ground - I am ALWAYS happy to "share" i.e. give a taste to anyone at the table of what ever I am eating. A taste. NOT 1/2. And if someone has ordered a dish that they love it is fun to "share" theirs. So I know what to order next time. Only my brother orders food and refuses to "share" and it is indicative of his personality. Communal dining works well at ethnic restaurants and we NEVER hesitate to order seconds of that one dish that disappears immediately. Eating should be communal and well organized.
9
YES! I absolutely agree. I am delighted that someone voiced my own thoughts on this nonsense of sharing all the time. Hands off my plate!
15
Why is it your wife Joanna's job to apologize on your behalf? Why don't you just speak up and say that sharing is not your preference?
35
The author is the slowest eater he's ever met. I tend to be a fast eater. Doesn't your food get cold if you eat very slowly?
3
Thanks for, um, sharing. Makes me crazy when I'm pushed, even gently, into watching someone else's fork, even someone I like a lot, slither into the dish I've chosen and my then having to gamely stick my fork where it really doesn't want to do. I will admit that sometimes, out with just my husband, whose tastes and dining behaviors closely match mine, and when two things on a menu sing out to us both, we'll share, but not even always with him, my BFB (Best Food Buddy). Don't mind splitting the check down the middle, just not my dinner!
9
AMEN. I hate tasting menu's. If I am going to fork over a ton of money at a fancy place I want what I want to eat. The only sharing I condone is when at a Chinese or Italian restaurant and we eat family style. At least I can have what I want and there is enough to share and my family can round out with what they want.
13
I was once with a group at a Chinese restaurant where the conventional suggestion was made to order several items and share. Well, no, I protested, I wanted to order what I wanted and to eat it. “Oh, Robert”, said one woman, “I’ve been wanting to say that for years.” (I also am a very slow, conversational, eater).
14
A soul mate! I simply tell my friends that I don't share. They can do their thing, e.g., split 5 asparagus spears 3 ways, cut that last shrimp in half, reluctantly eat sesame tofu 'cause someone else wanted it, etc. No thanks to the prolonged discussion of what to order and then the prance of how much to take, who got how much and leaving hungry?? I just want my meal, thank you.
21
I fully agree .... until I have my next Paella craving.
3
Dear Alex Williams.. thanks for making me laugh! Your humorous article was completely on point for some of us! Even little people like me don’t want to share at times.. especially when the items aren’t shareable! The last restaurant I went to suggested sharing a bone in pork chop.. for a table of six. What? No!! And maybe I want all the lovely scallops to myself! So what? Well done. And for those who are dolefully sorrowing for the selfish author or bemoaning his friends.. lighten up, y’all, this piece is clearly satirical! Thoroughly enjoyed.
12
This is a slippery slope. Next thing it will be sex. I pass.
6
How about when no one "wants" dessert and you order it and the waitress brings your dessert out with 4 spoons. You know what happens next.
36
Do you have a large appetite? What's wrong with tapas?
One meal main serving most often is far more than i can eat. So hello doggy bags (no, no dog where i live). Share yes--less waste.
3
I eat out quite a bit and have travelled quite a bit around the world. I've lived abroad and spent a lot of time in rural Mexico and also some in Southeast Asia. The whole "this is how the rest of the world eats" bit is a yuppie slogan designed to appeal to consumers' notions that they are somehow eating like everyone else as they pay $16 for a plate of stuffed figs. Give me a break.
In rural Mexico, people mostly eat family style. You make a big pot of something and then you have your own plate with your own tortilla(s) which simultaneously serves as a plate/utensil/staple. In Southeast Asia, you have your own bowl, which you fill with rice and then you eat this with what you want from various larger pots. In Europe, you have your own plate and people mostly do not share. In none of these places do people all eat from the same plate (okay, Ethiopian food aside). At restaurants in all these places, people order what they wish to eat. Small plates or street food (which we mostly lack in the US) is cheap and personal. It's not shared. This line about "communal existence" is a way to get millennials to pay lots of money because you can appeal to some fabricated notion of authenticity.
36
I really like sharing two entrees between two people--but that's because you still get a ton of each. Very unsatisfying to get just two bites of each delicious thing. That thing the chef called "getting bored" after a few bites--that's what makes me feel satisfied--satisfied, as in, "Okay, now I can stop, because I don't WANT more."
5
This whole experience is foreign to me. I eat out with friends once in awhile, but we've never shared our food, aside from small offered tastes. Everybody orders what they want, and then eats their own dinner. A dessert might be shared, or not. I feel like my friends and I must be a bunch of grumpy old weirdos...
8
I don't like, "Chef recommends ..." I ask the server, I discuss, and I build a meal, sharing a few appetizers and perhaps sharing a main .... I don't like lengthy multiple course meals. French Laundry was excessive, the staff rather obnoxious .... and I occasionally ask the kitchen if the chef can alter a main to suit my tastes .... I return to my favorite haunts, remember, the computer software in the restaurant keeps track of you!!!!
4
Amen! And an extension of this argument is that not everybody needs or wants their meal to be a giant tasting experiment. I love food, love it passionately, eat adventurously, consider cooking to be one of my great joys in life... but I don't feel "curious" about food in this way that is now de rigeur. I seldom feel that I need to taste everything or get a sense of the chef's "vision." There will always be more. For now, just give me one delicious plate of my own that I can quietly enjoy at my own pace. Communal eating is the great province of dinner parties, where (hopefully) we are sharing large platters rather than saucer-sized plates. And don't even get me started about how unappetizing these restaurant fork orgies can be for the germophobes among us.
15
I don't care for sharing at restaurants - at home we share as there is usually one meal prepared and therefore we are "sharing" - something for everyone but not necessarily your favorite every night. When I go to a restaurant it is a treat - which means that I get to choose EXACTLY what I want to eat. If there is an ingredient I don't care for I don't have to eat it! If there is something I ADORE (say - TRUFFLES!) I can savor its deliciousness slowly and mindfully. I'm to big on slugs and suction cups (clams, squid,etc) and invariably multiple people are so the "shared" starter choices are automatically reduced. If I speak up then I appear picky and difficult. Why is it necessary to "out" your dislikes at a restaurant - I prefer ordering what I like, knowing my secret culinary prejudices and am happy to 'share' a bite if someone is particularly interested in what I am eating -
8
So-share some of the time but not all of the time. Agree on what those times are.
You're the client, you're the customer and you pay their wages.
So why apologize?
7
No thanks! The plates of shrimp and cheese-stuffed peppers I ordered disappear quickly, and all that's left is the now-cold chorizo that somebody else ordered and didn't eat (and which I hate)! Eat your own chorizo, and I'll eat my shrimp!
9
Thank you! I do not want to share, I do not want you to taste my wine, I do not want to pay for your very expensive entrée either. I want my own dinner, and please a civilized portion not for the whole football team. And I want my own check, and I do not want to drink the white wine that you all I adore, I want my red wine. And yes, I do want your company, love your company, and no, I do not want to share my pie or ice cream or whatever with you. Thank you!
31
When I go out, i have a certain thing in mind. I don't want anyones well done steak or lobster thermidor or kale salad with pickled caterpillar larvae ( i kid, but you get the idea) . I want exactly what I order, served hot and cooked to my taste. If someone offers a bite of something that I absolutely have to try because it is the kind of food that never comes around again- ok, I'll take the bite, but thanks I'm happy with my preferred meal. I'll split the check evenly even if the other diners dish/ cocktails/ dessert is more expensive- thats what friends do but share my exquisite rare calfs liver with a wine reduction, carmelized onions and mashed potatoes? nope.
7
An easy solution would be to tell the server that the tip will be shared, and that you will be doing the sharing among all the restaurant staff.
4
No need to punish an individual server who has nothing to do with two decades of dining evolution. Yell at the manager, post a negative Yelp review etc. But to immediately kick the low man on the totem pole will get you nowhere. You're aware that these folks make sub minimum wage before tips, right?
20
For the first part of my career, I worked in had to entertain food editors and clients at many restaurant meals. The food editors all loved to share; my clients and I, not so much. Left hungry at many of these so-called meals. The worst hazard in all of this is akin to the "eating amnesia" that results when one is so engrossed in finishing work on a deadline in front of a screen that a series of snacks is inhaled without paying attention to the quality and quantity of the food consumed. Substitute "mindless stream-of-calories" for sharing and tasting (not to mention double-dipping saliva-slathered forks and forgetting what you ate) and it's easy to conclude why obesity is so prevalent in the U.S. Many people who watch their weight keep a food diary. If you're one of them, you hate sharing because you feel either deprived or over-stuffed on food you really didn't want in the first place, snack mindlessly when you get home, and then read (and weap) as you realize all you consumed.
8
When we first moved to this area, we discovered a great steak (and schnitzel) house about 45 minutes away from our home. There is a separate bar menu for those seated in the bar area (along with the regular menu). Bar tables are close to one another. We privately commented on the red cabbage that we saw on the schnitzel plate of one of our neighbors and were promptly offered a bite. I still remember my husband recoiling from the offer.
We no longer sit in the bar.
9
It depends. With BF, who vacuums his food, we DO share on occasion, but usually divide halfsies when the dish is brought, otherwise I would starve to death. With others it depends on the type of food, my mood, and the closeness of the dining partner.
3
Cooking at home, and usually when I go out, I want to prepare/order enough of each dish that everyone gets as much as they want. This goes for New Years Eve, with filet mignon and Alaska king crab, to meals where I prepare jambalaya or lamb shanks. In my mind, that is the communal dinner where I put out all that my guests might want. So nobody has to worry about the last shrimp, because there are a dozen or more left, or feel guilty such that they must eat the last piece of andouille which they are not fond of. That is a big communal dinner to me where everybody eats at their own pace, drinks at their own pace, lingers at the table to talk and drink coffee and other beverages, and leaves the table pleased.
4
I feel sorry for the author and people who have problems sharing a meal. Growing up Asian-American, this was the norm and I don't think I've ever encountered a meal with the type of tensions described here. A lot of it is communication: what's wrong with talking about what some people can eat or not and deciding what to order? Want the last shrimp? After everyone's had their one round, ask if you can finish. The point of a communal meal is to commune, not necessarily to vacuum up the best dishes or leave super-full. If I had friends who split bills down to the last cent, were overly concerned about eating too fast/ slow, insisted that every dish must suit everyone, etc. , you can guarantee I would not be eating a shared meal with them. In those cases, yes, order and confine yourself to your own dishes. Fortunately, most of my friends are accommodating people.
19
Thank you and well said. I prefer to share a taste of what I have ordered if I share at all.
10
When I don't feel like sharing, I just say I'm sticking with my own entree, thanks. never had anyone say anything about it. If someone objects, then find a different dinner companion.
15
there is a time and a place for each style. If I am feeling a symphony in my stomach, it is definitely no sharing. I want my sequence appetizer with cocktail, entree with wine and dessert with port.
If stomach is feeling Fusion music with some arablc or asian flavors, then definitely open to to sharing.
4
Apocryphal maybe, but it's said that Julia Child would insist that everyone order one of the same dish so as to preclude sharing.
3
If I'm out dining with my fiancé, we share an appetizer and taste each others' main dishes and that works for us. In a group of four, though, it becomes a free-for-all at the table and I feel as if I just want to have my own plate of food and not go through all the grabbing and calculating how much I should eat of each dish. Then there is the sanitation aspect of this; what if someone hasn't washed his hands and proceeds to touch the food that I may end up eating? No thanks.
16
Here's the death of a shared meal for me.
1. You order things I clearly don't like-and I say I'm uninterested in.
2. You can't figure out that if there are four people, you should only eat one forth of something . . . until more is offered to you. . . . especially the one shared plate I PICKED OUT!
I don't mind sharing. I don't like other's who don't understand how to share. That's the end of a fun dinner in my book.
15
Thank you for speaking up. Did you mention the people who consume all the good stuff as soon as it arrives. Also, sharing inevitably leads to double dipping and that can be truly off putting.
36
So spot on! But, with ridiculous portions abounding out there, it does make sense to "split the salad" or a few other things that are easy to divide in the kitchen, and simply too much quantity for a normal person to consume.
1
when diners share, restaurants make more money.
6
I love this article and I laughed out loud! I am a server at a buzzy restaurant that features tattooed servers, craft cocktails and lots of sunchokes and grass-fed beef and we do suggest sharing dishes. There have been so many instances of forlorn shrimp left behind and I've always wondered why this is -- your article absolutely nails it and I now wonder how many of those would have preferred ordering their own dishes! Ha!
39
I don't like sharing because I want what I want and I want all of it. If I wanted other peoples' food I'd have ordered what they ordered. Now that I have Type 1 diabetes I don't have to play the sharing game anymore. Thank goodness. I simply say, "No thanks, I can't eat that and I'm limited to what I ordered." Over and out. There IS an upside to certain health issues!
39
I had gastric surgery to lose weight. I am tired of explaining to waiters why I only want an appetizer and not an entree (because my stomach cannot hold much more than the very large appetizers served). Still, I do not like sharing. I wish restaurants would stop insisting to serve a main dish to everyone. Those who say it is not profitable to sell just an appetizer, go ahead and offer a fixed price full course menu, I will make sure not to stop by. But if you give me the choice, don't push me to eat what I don't want to eat.
4
Upside of Diabetes? Lol
1
I want one composed plate of food that I selected for myself. I cannot stand "sharing" dishes with everyone doing the boardinghouse reach across the table, and I don't like piecemeal dining. And I order my food based on what I want, so if you want the same thing you can order it for yourself!
77
Thanks for writing about Thanks for Not Sharing. Love your article.
It all becomes too complicated, stressful and somehow I never feel I've had enough of what I truly like. And there's always "that last shrimp, sitting forlorn on the plate , because everyone is too polite to snag it"
Yes to offering a taste occasionally but no to the sharing epidemic.
PS: I'm tired of being pressured by what The Chef wants.
31
I read this while observing some crows sampling the hors d'oevres on the ground outside. The snow is gone here now, and the menu is extensive. They seem to eat at their leisure- walking and hopping around, some arriving late, others briefly departing to branches nearby.. all very dignified compared to the rabble at the communal feeders on the other side of the house. I've seen possums, raccoons, turkeys, and deer grazing there below the so called higher-class birds, but never a single crow.
10
The only time sharing in a restaurant is appropriate is when you can order anything and as much as you want, with some rich person paying for all of it.
14
Gotta love all the opinions! When I lived in the states, (and now when I return to visit) 3-4 very good friends and I, all women, would order tapas at a local restaurant to share off of the starter menu. We would discuss and choose together and carefully split what arrived at the table, ordering more if it turned out not to be enough. The chefs knew what we were doing and provided extra plates (big size!) and kept 'em coming at a perfect pace. And it was a talk-fest, too. It was fun and delicious! Then once, we included the hubs and, boy, did things go south. Not enough food, didn't feel like a real meal, men glaring at their too small plates, yadda, yadda, yadda. Could it be an American guy thing, not sharing? Just wondering.
10
Mindy White - Tapas are perfect for sharing and it sounds like you ladies have a great time getting together and enjoying tapas. Next time leave your husbands at home with plenty of leftovers.
6
For years, I have hated the "sharing" option while dining out. I have food allergies, and invariably when I order a dish that I have altered to remove allergens, my coworkers will want to "take a bit." They then remove half the dish, and offer some of theirs, which of course I cannot eat. On the other hand, while dining at Chinese restaurants in the San Gabriel Valley, I have taken pity on coworkers who order food that is too spicy or just tastes horrible to them, some of my plain food .
11
When someone wants to share an order (other than my sweetie) I inform them that I am a bad sharer and will eat it all if I enjoy it. To alleviate the tension I further inform the table that I was very good at school and the only blemish on my elementary record was during kinderten when I received an "Unsatisfactory" in "Sharing."
27
"[H]how the meal MIGHT have turned out..."
3
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! I am so tired of being the grumpy person at the table who doesn't eat octopus and who likes boring, traditional items. We were at a steakhouse in a fancy hotel recently when those dreaded words were spoken -- REALLY? YOU RECOMMEND WE SHARE A NEW YORK STEAK BETWEEN FOUR PEOPLE? And how would we like that prepared? 1/4 medium rare, 1/4 blood, the rest well done????
31
It's disgusting.
14
I agree Blair! It is disgusting this hip practice.
3
In a restaurant where it is natural or agreed on to share I don’t have a problem with sharing. I can’t stand someone’s fork diving into my plate for a taste without asking.
22
This article made me laugh—thank you!
7
One of the reasons that one goes to a restaurant is to get the food that you want, prepared for you in congenial surroundings. I don't care for dessert, so I will often order an appetizer to end the meal. I don't know anyone else who would care to share my plate of escargots with their profiteroles: not even my wife
Please don't get me started on sharing the check...
18
one of favorite quotes, heard at the so-called "loony noony" AA meeting in waltham mass decades ago...."I grew up in America. I don't know how to share."
7
An amazing amount of complaining about something that can be addressed by saying up front: I am going to order one meal and not enough to share.
Talk about first world problems.....
8
Yes! I come from an Asian society where ordering shared dishes are the norm. And upon the arrival of each dish we make sure to ask and see every single seated person has gotten similar if not equal serving portions! We deal with it well because all of us grew up with the whole hubbub of asking, passing, and accepting while managing a conversation I guess. And often, if one in a group of friends doesn't want to share, he or she shall speak up and most people will willingly oblige! I feel like the writer's really complaining about the company and not the way food has been served.
7
I don't like sharing with random people I don't know, for the reasons outlined. But if sharing with people you know and like causes stress...it may be time to find some new people you know and like.
2
I'm going to assume that this is at least partly tongue-in-cheek, but still ... way to massively overthink things. Some eat fast, some eat slow; some like to share, some don't. There is no moral superiority attached to either method. Do what you like. People who don't like to share aren't "cold and selfish" (I've heard this, along with "there must be something wrong with someone who won't share food"); people who like to share aren't hogs slopping at a trough.
Just enjoy your food and your company without attaching moral judgments to whether people are willing to have their companions nibble off their plates or not.
12
I don't share food and I have no problem letting others know. I don't understand the discomfort expressed in this article. "I don't share."...that's all you need to say. No excuses necessary. I order what I want and then I eat it.
12
I dislike sharing food, perhaps because I am the only-child of two only-children-- also because it is decidedly unhygienic. If you have some microbe in your system, you expose others to it by the act of dipping into the shared platters. Hepatitis can spread this way quite easily, as can myriad other diseases. If you really like what's on my plate, order your own, please.
16
Perfect argument + charm = you win.
I was ready to march on your table with my fork held high - I hate uptightness, especially at restaurants. But this is smart and valid on a whole 'nother level.
More Alex Williams please
13
Easy. Become a widow or widower, like me, and dine in the restaurants you want to go to alone. End of problem. I'm part of the "family" at a couple of places I go to regularly, and I even developed a food blog out of my dining habits. I know, this sounds harsh, but in my case it was more making lemonade out of the lemons life gave me.
4
Don't know why but i'm no fan of sharing, either. I recall going out to dinner once with a colleague who was reviewing a restaurant and who told me in advance that we had to order different things and pay for the wine which (unusually) the publication would not reimburse. Fine with me until half way through the meal he informed me that we had to swap the half-eaten plates so he could taste my dish for himself and give an honest appraisal to his readers. Yuk. Appetite killed. Haven't seen the guy since.
10
The underlying premise -- and one you fail to grasp given the articles's narcissistic tone -- of sharing is that it is not all about you.
4
Huh? Share the wealth, share the love, share your knowledge, share your your last rations on a dinghy lost at sea. Plenty of things that are, appropriately, "not all about you." But why do I have to share the food I go out to eat (and pay for)? Yes, in this situation, it IS all about me!
14
No. It actually is all about you when you go to a restaurant. You order from a menu, and they bring you what you ordered. Would you go to a clothing store with friends and then share what each of you bought? No- you buy your clothes; they buy theirs. I don't see why wanting to eat a particular dish you ordered is suddenly narcissism. So everyone who ate continental-style meals in the 19th and 20th centuries were narcissistic? Grab a dictionary.
15
Sorry to read you haven't shared clothing--had two dear friends and we passed clothing back and forth. It was sweet; I've enjoyed wearing this but it looks like you. We also shared food.
1
I agree with another commenter who mentioned ordering one or two appetizers or small plates for everyone to share and then each person can order his/her own entrees or small plates. I love eating tapas and become territorial when another fork is headed towards my scallops or bacon-wrapped dates.
7
I don't care for potlucks which sharing can become. I am not opposed to offering a small taste but it must be offered. Don't put a chunk of beef in my delicate sauce and request one of my precious scallops.
Small plates to share? Isn't that an paradox?
I announce, "I am ordering a small plate of scallops becasue I want to eat two scallops"
6
I loved this article because it gave voice to my middle-aged impatience. I just want have to dinner, not a wrangle at the beginning of the meal about what and how much to eat, and at the end of the meal about who should pay and how much. And inevitably there is always one person in the group who says, "I only want X dish." Having dinner with more than four people at a small plates restaurant results in brain damage. Besides the higher margins, chefs love serving small plates because it frees them from pacing. Delivering a table's entrees simultaneously is hard. But small plates makes the chef's life easier because the kitchen can send out dishes in any order that suits them (they aggregate the orders and then prepare and serve all the same dishes at the same time).
20
It's not really the same but my mom had a weird quirk when dining out -- she needed others to validate that she truly did order the most perfect meal. She'd make comments like, "Please try this, it's the best" and "you should be sorry you didn't order what I did!" It bugged her so much when others were satisfied with their own meals, which they'd ordered to their own preferences. Humans are weird.
7
I grew up in small family I'm only child. Sharing toys is ok but food sharing not so much. My partner loves to share food he grew up in a larger household. He's the oldest of four. The problems tend to start the minute the menus are handed to us. He wants to share this or that thing. But I want something completely different, something that appeals to me and my food mood. Sharing, like drinking should be done responsibly.
15
So many great points in the article and in the comments. Just the other day I completed an 8-hour public health sponsored food handling course mandatory for anyone working in the restaurant industry. Based on the info therein, some of which is quite terrifying, I'm surprised that sharing and family style service is even allowed in restaurants. Me and my fork stand proudly alone, thank you..
35
I don't mind sharing sometimes, if it's that type of restaurant. What has happened at times though, is that, say, 6 people think sharing 3 meals is enough, and even with my small appetite, I'm left hungry. Ordering anything else at that point is awkward, because then either everyone digs in and I wind up with 2 extra bites (not enough) or I eat it all and people feel the need to split the cost of my dish, too.
2
I've been a waiter for 12 years and a manager for 3. The trend comes from the younger generations (of which I unfortunately belong) who like the experience of trying lots of things. Did we order enough food? 9 appetizers and 5 entrees for a table of 8? Probably not, but you'll certainly whine about it on yelp regardless of whatever I say. Is the salad enough for 6 of us to share? No, it's a starter meant for 1 person who's also going to eat an entree and a dessert. I eat before I go out with my younger friends. I do love them, but not their dining habits. When I really want to dine I take myself out and sit at a bar, or go to my butcher who I'm on a first name basis with and cook.
13
One additional comment to this funny and insightful article: the return on investment with small plates! I remember originally thinking small plates = lower cost. That's just not true most of the time! The small plate is a few bites and still costs $10-14 per plate. It's easy to go hungry and broke at a small plates place! At least with a "one plate/one diner" type meal you can estimate your budget and stick to your ground when it comes time to settle the bill (always stressful if you're not Bobby Axelrod). And not go hungry!
13
I have no issue with sharing if we agree in advance, as at my family's annual Christmas Eve meal at a Mandarin restaurant,
But don't tell me that you're not going to have dessert and then stick your fork in for "just a taste" of mine.
By the way, who told the waiter to bring dessert utensils for the whole table?
31
I've noticed that - my pal and I eat out together regularly, and we generally share dessert because they tend to be huge. But I've observed that we don't even have to say we're sharing for the waiter to bring multiple utensils.
I suppose it's easier for them to do it that way than to only bring one, and then be asked to go get more.
4
1. The restaurant-industrial complex needs to stop conflating shared food that's brought to the table in serving dishes, to be self-portioned onto individual plates, with those that are simply brought on individual plates.
2. Influenza much?
3. Absolutely the main effect of crosspicking and passarounding is to destroy any chance of civilized conversation.
21
I'm sorry that you find sharing dinner items so complicated that you are unable to converse simultaneously. I've never experienced that myself.
4
But just because you've never experienced this doesn't mean that your experience is a standard that others should be meeting. I'm sorry that you don't understand that people can have different experiences. You have yours; they have theirs.
10
I couldn't agree more. I actually wrote a song last year called, "Why I Hate Small Plate Food", which I have shortened to simply, "Small Plate Food". In it I describe similar angst and dissatisfaction with over paying and leaving hungry. I also mention that the tapas customs in Spain are generally singular in portion, unless ordering a "racion" or ration. The norm, however, is you get a small plate with your drink for YOU. Don't touch my tapa!
26
I grew up in a large family where I was forced to share food and hated it. So now that I have the means to order my own plate of food, I find myself feeling obligated to share and am back to square one. Luckily, I've learned to speak and be misanthropic at times and luxuriate in not sharing.
15
There's nothing misanthropic about not sharing. Presumably your dining companions are not sitting there starving because they only came along (penniless) in the hopes of something off your plate. Never apologize for the preference of not sharing (unless you genuinely do feel some hatred for your dining companions).
I say this as a person perfectly comfortable with sharing. It's only a preference, not a virtue or a sin.
6
This reminded me of my first serious conversation with an adult when I was young (outside of my parents or grandparents). I kept burning skin off the roof of my mouth whenever we had pizza for dinner, so I asked our family dentist how to stop it from happening. The dentist patiently explained that I just needed to cool off the pizza before I ate it. I told him-NO WAY! We have five people in our family, and a pizza only has eight slices. If I wait for it to cool off, I won't get a second piece because it will be gone!
My little sister was even more scarred by the pizza trauma. She's the nicest person you'll ever meet - but, to this day, if you try to snag something of her plate, her fork will come down like a dagger. Beware!
74
I have scars on my left hand from reaching for the last ear of corn. There were 4 ears for 3 people, I was a teenager on a growth spurt, and I was ravenous. I called dibs on the last ear at the beginning of the meal, but when I reached for it toward the end, my father stabbed my hand with his fork and drew blood. (Yes, he was that kind of guy.)
6
Because the loud music, people yelling into their cellphones, ill-mannered children and dishes being slammed around your head, the only way diners commune is to eat each other's food. This is a poor substitute for conversation and being present while celebrating the food we as a society take for granted. I realize I have a choice where I dine: home.
10
I agree whole hog. In my family, we all order what we want and ask for / offer a taste. Best of both worlds
10
Yes. Good manners goes a long way. Ask.
2
Two thoughts come to mind:
1) As mentioned in the article, you can find out who your dining partners are by how they share, or worse, how they dominate the better dishes; what do you do when one in the party insists on eating more than his/her "share" of the best dish? And what is the appropriate "share"...one small nibble, one regular bite (whatever that is), etc.? Who decides, and who speaks up when the "rules" are broken?
2) This by-now-trendified and silly joke of "sharing" does one thing - it totally blows away the stuffy idea that one, and only one, wine is best with the meal. However, it can become another bone of communal contention - who decides what wine will be ordered (assuming the "sharing" concept carries over to drinks as well)? Is this another damnable committee meeting? Deciding on a bottle of wine with only two people has often de-escalated into conflict; what happens when there are 6 or 8 votes, especially involving such reverse-elitist snobs, as so many fad followers tend to be?
What a mess - why not order your own meal? If another person at the table expresses interest in your order, you may offer a sample...or not, at your discretion, nothing wrong with that. It is your food, after all. One can still share, but in a manner less like that of a bunch of first-graders at school lunch.
15
But you know- I don't want to find out "who [my] dining partners are by how they share, or worse". I order my food and eat it; they order their food and eat it. Dinner at a restaurant doesn't have to be a sociology class. It can just be dinner and conversation. Ta Dah.
7
Could not agree more.
5
I am a sharer with my boyfriend but when I DON'T want to share, I DON'T want to share. Communal sharing is a cute idea but you DO always get the person that can see what he or she really likes and dives in multiple time for it...or someone like me who likes most everything, or at least wants to try just about everything, and if I like it, its on! Then I wind up "watching" who goes in for what I like and now I'm ticked off. Let me order my own food. I'm with you Alex...you're eating the entire port chop not only because you LOVE it...but because you can!. Chow down!
17
This feels like a bad take; why not just... order what you want and tell your folks "Hey, get what you want, I'm good with this." You need to be an honest communicator, which, judging by the line about your wife needing to apologize for you and then you not communicating that you'd be happy with a pork chop alone and subsequently asking the waiter about the spice-level of the ordered food, is something you might just need to practice.
13
Dixified Italian? Just what is that?
7
Pasta with mayonnaise?
3
Sharing is for Marxist and Leninist. It is the dumbest thing to come along in the last hundred years, or so. Maybe the only place left for fine dining is in Paris, France.
8
In Spain, Portugal and most of France it’s common to share a starter and split a desert, and order your own main dish, be it a typical neighborhood family restaurant or the most expensive Michelin star. And it works well for two or twenty. It’s always been that way in most of Spain and Portugal as long as I can remember, and became widely accepted at the top tables after the crisis hit in order to keep the restaurant in business.
The Spanish, Portuguese and French tend to dine out far more often then their American cousins and sharing helps keep the cost in line when ordering a more expensive meal. In parts of Portugal you share because of the size of the dishes; a family of four can easily share one order. You don’t share when ordering the fixed price menu, or menú del día, unless it’s to sample what someone else ordered so you can try it the next time.
Also, dining in Spain, Portugal and France is typically considered a social activity, where you sit down with friends and family, not a fuel stop, so communal dining is quite normal.
7
On a recent stay in Lisbon, the "stranger" we were seated with provided tastes of his meal - graciously accepted. But it was offered, and the offer was genuine. I thought later how weird that would have seemed at home, and how it made us feel like family there, for just a while.
3
Dining out was a special occasion when I was young. It's where I could choose my very own meal. Now, that was special! For gatherings, my family would serve large dishes of food in which the guests could choose what they wanted and how much. There was an abundance so that no one would ever leave hungry. Looks like that's what's missing in the small plates for a crowd style restaurant. Realistically, there's not enough food and a lot of anxiety. Doesn't sound like fun and the restaurant wins charging more for small servings. And what about the picky eaters, slow eaters and time to converse? Pretty counterproductive all around I'd say. Dining out is supposed to be about pleasure. Exploring new food prepared by professionals, choosing your favorite and savoring it! Only if the pacing of the meal is calm, it is likely to be memorable. When we are out with friends, we are having a blast but I hardly remember the food. We often dish out a taste on another's plate. No dipping into one. I guess it depends on what type of dining experience you're after.
8
Thank you! I can't stand small-plates dining. Too much negotiating over too little food for too much money. Can't wait till it goes out of style.
68
I think the bigger issue here is (the lack of) trust and understanding among you and your co-diners. Clearly they don't understand your dining preferences, and it seems like you don't understand theirs. Trust stems from knowing each others' palates and preferences.
I frequently go out to eat with my wife and her sisters, and we'd never not share, only because we understand what each other wants, notwithstanding extenuating circumstances like an illness or recently-acquired aversion. This trust and understanding came only after years of dining out at varying scales of price, fanciness, and cuisine type.
That said, I'd not share at a business meal or with unfamiliar dining companions only because, candidly, I don't trust anyone beyond my small circle to order properly in terms of item type (I once saw a friend of a friend order salmon at Versailles in Miami), price consciousness (your lobster example), or appropriateness for the table.
4
How gauche! Ordering salmon at Versailles in Miami! Why is salmon even on the menu at Versailles in Miami?
er... what am I supposed to order at Versailles in Miami?
8
I googled Versailles in Miami and was equally confused about what one is supposed to order there...
3
Sangria... Plantain chips with garlic sauce... Fried plantains... Cuban steak... Flan... (I so miss Versailles!)
2
Thank you, Alex. I am not a food sharer. I don't want yours and I don't want you to have mine. I do not apologize either. I eat out rather often (too often!) so I know how to curate myself a dinner that I want, including omitting courses if I am trying to eat less. (I am always trying to eat less.) Once I've decided, I'm done and satisfied. If you eat my dinner, I wonder, why didn't you order what I got? Because I also pretty much want it for myself. I do not eat off of other people's plates, so I think this is fair. I do enjoy sharing meals with friends, but that does not extend to sharing food at those meals. I never take an offered bite and I do not offer a bite either. Conversation? Let's share that!
50
Sharing is wonderful for many couples dining together. We tell the waiter we are sharing the two entrees. The smart ones get the chef to divide it in the kitchen. (They get bigger tips.) The others bring extra plates or bowls, sharp knifes and serving spoons without additional prompting.
With more then two people, it can become burdensome.
7
If it feels like a "smash and grab," you're dining with the wrong group. I definitely have nights I want my own plate, no sharing. But with a good group of friends, sharing can be fun. We each have our own plate that we can fill from the shared plates - easy to get a portion of everything I want to try and then I can take my time in actually eating it while enjoying the conversation. No worries about last bites - we're friends so no shyness about who gets what or really wants that last excellent bite of .
4
I am a chef and partner in a group of restaurants and we work tirelessly to train our kitchen and serving staffs to pace a meal properly. We use technology to help us manage the time in between courses as we are (thankfully) very busy at most meals. That said, our efforts are not pursued by many restaurants now prevalent in Southern California. Mr. Williams has presented quite well the arguments I now make for NOT visiting certain of those restaurants. I have actually been told by a server that, "We bring out the dishes as they are made. Is that okay?" When I say, "No. I'd like my blistered shishito peppers first, with my smoking cocktail; then I'd like my pasta (known as a 'primi', or first course, in Italian dining); then my entree/main course." The server is flummoxed. He explains that's "how we do it here." I ask, "Well, then why did you ask me if it was okay?" I have resorted to ordering in stages, when I have time, so that my starter will come out first, my main course next and my dessert at the end. The small plates stuff is fine every now and then, but few restaurants and chefs seem able to construct the order of tasting well enough so that the dishes follow a logical order and build to a great overall experience. Congratulations to the ones who can do that well, but I'd rather just order what I'd like to eat and keep it relatively simple.
147
There once was a time when it was pretty common to have orders taken in a more leisurely fashion starting with appetizers - I think servers aren't trained for anything but moving food quickly, and moving people along as fast as possible in many restaurants.
6
Some foods are meant to be eaten this way, like Dim Sum for example or Pizza. Or tables of hors d'oeuvre at a party. While I enjoy foods like that, I am also a big proponent of ordering what I want to eat. If I order a plate of food at a restuarant, I'll trade a bite with my wife but that's it. I ordered it because I want to eat it.
38
This issue reminds me of the problem of ordering vegetarian dishes when eating Chinese food, which lends itself to sharing very nicely in general, because other people demanded it. Guess what dishes were always, and I mean always, left over? So the people demanding vegetarian dishes obviously liked our meat dishes better than the ones they demanded be ordered. Irritating to say the least.
5
Thanks for a brilliant article! Funniest thing I've read in ages and right on the money. Needless to say, the dish I order is what I most want to eat. On the off chance that there are two items that look equally good and I can't make up my mind between them, then sure, I'll hedge my bet and share with another person. Otherwise, hands off.
14
I think the spirit of conviviality and sociability that sharing is intended to promote can be achieved by a more limited practice; let's call it "getting something for the table." When I'd go out for lunch with a group of colleagues at work, we'd typically order something as soon as we sat down to be shared while everyone was perusing the menu. This was almost always either stuffed mushrooms, fried calamari, and/or buffalo wings, depending on the size of the group. Then everyone got his or her own entree, no sharing expected or offered. I seldom ordered dessert myself, but if someone sitting next to me did and made the "wanna bite?" gesture, I wasn't above sticking my fork in.
3
Like so much else in life, restaurant dining has gone through many fads, which gradually fade and then disappear over the horizon. Nouvelle cuisine with enormous plates, vertical food, billibi (once the rage), the adoration of molecular cuisine--all gone. The sharing phenomenon will also pass when it ceases to be the "in" thing.
9
It cannot happen soon enough. Also, I think it encourages people to order too much food and to eat too much food. If it's all shared, who gets the leftovers?
7
Thank you for this article; I often feel alone that I do not prefer to eat/share small plates. As others have pointed out it is the additional expense of ordering 3-5 small plates per person and then leaving the restaurant hungry. I am stressed the entire meal and usually go home and have to eat something else. I worry about getting sick, especially being pregnant right now. It seems the food portions of the plates are getting smaller and smaller too. If they would keep the portions larger similar to family style and brought appropriate serving utensils, it would be easier for folks like me. I too have experienced food coming out in any order which I find confusing and chaotic.
When the restaurant/server pays more attention to the types of dishes order and timing of delivery it has been more enjoyable. But most restaurants/servers are not doing that. I don’t mind paying more for a meal if I feel that there was attention paid to the experience we were having instead of feeling like it’s the restaurant’s way or the highway.
15
Thank you for this. I absolutely hate small plates. It seems designed to maximize profits. Also, I spend my work day negotiating with others, I don't want to spend my precious free time negotiating my palate with others. I just want what I want. If I want to taste your food, I'll ask.
97
Sharing is great for any number of ethnic cuisines:Chinese, Indian, Thai, Middle Eastern, etc. where large platters are placed in the center of the table. In those circumstances NOT sharing is out of the norm, I've always felt the person who didn't want to share their Moo Goo Gai Pan or have some of my Szechwan Beef was an oddball. Same applies to a family-style restaurant where a shared meal is implicit.
I, too, like small plates as an alternative to a full-size main dish but a full meal of these dishes to be shared by a table of diners isn't something in which I'd be anxious to participate.
7
We’ve stopped going to small plate restaurants (with the exclusion of places that always had small plates like Turkish mezza’s).
Small plates are an excuse for the kitchen to serve in any order, with any timing. They’re designed for pictures and not for a well paced, well designed dinner experiences.
We recently went to a 3 star restaurant serving Mexican food in small plates (guessing where?). The food rushed out and we were out the door in 45 minutes. I paid $300 for dinner and a drink for 2 and was on the curb before my car was cold.
Not going back there (to cosme) or any other “small-plate-atorium “.
35
I have food allergies and there are some cuisines that I just do not enjoy. Being forced to share a meal that I carefully choose based on likes and limitations is sometimes quite challenge to me. Then, having to share this and not being able to partake of the other diners' choices can make my meal too small to satisfy me. Moreover, how sanitary is it to keep dipping a personal fork into a shared meal, other than with my husband??
14
It took me years to find out that I could order pizza without pizza sauce.(tomato allergy) I ordered a small pizza at my job, while everyone else ordered everything on theirs. When the pizzas came, my supervisor "suggested" to me that I give half my pizza to a co-worker who was pregnant, had taken one look at the "normal" pizzas and said mine "would not make her sick." I was on probation(new employee) so I complied, but have never ordered pizza with co-workers again. I have been there 25+ years and the supervisor and coworker are long gone.
6
I would recommend that you stop dining with people who "force" you to share. This isn't rocket science.
1
I am very tired of this concept of "small plates to share" at nearly every new restaurant in Chicago. The plates may be priced anywhere from $8 to $17 dollars, and then they recommend 3 "small plates" per person! A few years ago at The Girl and The Goat, with 3 other friends, we were told to order 2-3 plates per person, AND we had to order everything all at once, unlike tapas in which you can order a few plates to start, and then order other plates later. We were told that the kitchen needs the whole order to set the pacing of the dishes, which was a joke. So that's why we got a plate of meat first, followed by vegetables, followed by... there was no pacing, the food came out in a random order. We didn't heed their advice, ordered perhaps 7 or 8 dishes, and had food left over. After that experience I have never returned to the G & G! Also, what about trying to enjoy your meal while balancing 10 different plates and dishes at the table? You are afraid that if you make one wrong move you'll send that $18 plate of scallops and $15 glass of wine to the floor.
42
I'm with you, I want to eat the meal I ordered; not everyone else's.
103
Mr. Williams is focused on ‘family style’ meals where a variety of dishes is placed on the table … and all fend for themselves.
As retired senior citizens, my wife & I have travelled the world while living in and around NYC for seventy-five years. We have wined & dined at every level of restaurants from LeCirque (NYC) and Le Cinq (Paris) to Rutt’s Hut and the Tick Tock Diner (Clifton NJ).
I practiced Gastroenterology for over 40 years. My wife and I are now septuagenarians. So, I can attest to the necessity of ‘sharing’. As we age, our stomach capacity decreases. The stomach does not shrink; rather, our appestat simply shuts off earlier … giving us a feeling of fullness which, if ignored, results in abdominal distress. So we learn to eat less.
As a couple we order one salad and one main to share. Or when we are at one of the many Happy Hour venues in the Boca Raton area, we order 3 or 4 ‘small dishes’ … and share them. We do not have to grab … because my wife apportions the food as the dishes arrive at the table. (No sanitation concerns!)
In groups of 4 or 6, we (and our dining partners) pair up, either with a spouse or another at the table. The pairings are not static; i.e., Milly and Billy may share an appetizer, Milly and Tilly a main course, Billy and Jilly a dessert. Each portion is split before arriving at the table … or extra plates are provided by the wait staff. ‘Pairing’ arrangements avoid having to gobble down our meal or vie for a share of each dish.
14
**‘Pairing’ arrangements avoid having to gobble down our meal or vie for a share of each dish.**
Well, manners also avoids that.
3
Why share? Why not take some of the food home? My mother did that for the last 30 years of her 93 year old life.
3
"Why not take some of the food home?"
Even with sharing, we still find ourselves taking food home most nights. But because we eat out five or six nights each week (as do many senior citizens living in socially interactive Florida communities), we find ourselves going through the fridge at the beginning of each new week ... throwing out the accumulated "stuff".
1
Sharing in Asian restaurants work. In all the upscale places I have eaten at usually the small plate is really only enough for a person and a half, it is really ridiculous and obviously figured out they can make more money serving less food. A Japenese Barbecue restaurant has opened near my office and will be open 11 to 11, no barbecue place has enough barbecue for that many hours, low and behold I found out they are serving it in small plates to be shared, totally idiotic for anyone needing a barbecue fix. Etc etc etc
4
Are they nuts? That's all a restaurant needs is a tableful of guests who get the flu or some other infectious disease from eating from each other's plate. Probably not usual, but could happen.
8
Replying to myself and others: yes, there are food types that are shared but not by customers/guests picking it off each other's plates. I couldn't help remembering what ills a mere handshake can deliver. Guess it's old age that brings to mind Gene Tierney's tragedy because a sick fan just had to meet her. The fan had rubella. Miss Tierney who was pregnant at the time caught the rubella and gave birth to a child who would need lifetime special care.
A friend recently had a bout of pneumonia he apparently got from a family with colds in a doctor's waiting room.
So! 'Nuff said, but point made and from other comments, taken.
3
Thank you! I intensely dislike the sharing mandate. I just want to order the meal I want. Return to dining sovereignty!
46
Fairly sure there are no laws or statutes requiring you to share your food.
2
I wouldn't want to share the Hot Chicken Milanese @popinanyc either!
2
Not for me
I have a very restricted diet so sharing with others simply does not work
I tend to not go to trendy places anyway so it is not too much of an issue
But general I have no qualms about telling waiters how I want things anyway
I am paying for what I want I should be able to eat it the way I want as long as I am not creating a huge mess and bothering others
So silly
9
This was excellent! You made many very good points and in an entertaining fashion. I agree! While reading this piece, I thought back to times I had to agree with the table about what to order, and I felt my stomach drop even though the most recent time was years ago. I hate sharing!
My favorite line: "That may be great for Capitol Hill, but I would rather not run my dessert order through Ways and Means." hahahahaha! Well done!
20
Fantastic read! Not only it is very well-written, the article also captures the agony of the believers of "food monogamy" perfectly. Aren't we already under enough self-inflicted pressure of social media warriors to look and feel well... in a scripted way? Please, don't take away the simple pleasure of eating the way I want to. Bring on the Big Mac or Guy Fieri BBQ please, without the subtle or not-so-subtle hint of being "uncool"!
10
I wish that restaurants knew (or cared) how much we all hate that awful hackneyed script: "Have you dined with us before? Let me explain the menu to you. It's all small plates, meant to share. They come out of the kitchen as they're ready, in no particular order. There are three of you, so I suggest you order at least eight dishes, and then everyone can taste everything."
And then the pile-up begins, with the diner not really getting what he/she wanted, nor in the order it was wanted. I feel like retorting "No, but I have eaten at A RESTAURANT before....this is one, right?" It's not the server's fault - they are told to do this to you. But it's a distinctly inhospitable way of operating, benefitting the restaurant but not the diner. If I recall, though, Popina, which is indeed awesome, thankfully doesn't do this to people. Next time, just order what you want!
16
Thank you for the explanation, waiter. I'll have a double order of tiny plate A. And put that on a single larger plate, please.
6
Sharing is great. However, the down side is the frequent lack of serving utensils provided and unrelated dining partners who stick their own forks in the communal plate.
3
Just remember to end your first sentence with "for me."
9
Eating out is a luxury for me and as such I prefer to savor the specific meal I desire. I may offer a taste to someone, but I'm not interested in two bites of a dozen different dishes. Maybe in big cities where eating out is a daily event with hundreds of eateries to choose from, gobbling down dozens of different foods is the only way to beat the boredom of a single entree.
As a vegetarian in a mostly not veggie society, sharing has other downsides. Even if there are some other vegheads in attendance, the risk of a dead animal tainted serving spoon winding up in the wrong place turns my stomach, as does the inevitable idiot who doesn't use the serving utensil and dips right in with their fork.
Expecting to sample dozens of dishes in a single meal is one more example of a culture that embraces the "more is better" mantra and I don't care to participate.
8
Try to " share " MY food, I'll share my fork. With your hand.
16
i also eat very slowly and like to talk so would be on the losing end when the bill comes in. more importantly, i am a germaphobe, read (nurse), so would never eat a dish where people use their hands to sop up gravies and such w/ bread.
i never see people enter a restaurant and go to the restroom to wash their hands before a meal begins. am i the only person who was taught to do this?
who can forget Seinfeld's 'double dip' the chips episode :)
the same rule applies.
14
Hygiene. That's my chief objection.
Even with designated serving utensils, there are opportunities for "sharing" bacteria and viruses. I don't want to be distracted by watching to see who's licking her fingers, who's touched his phone (everyone knows where that phone has been)...Just the thought of it ooks me out. Yes, I am THAT person.
25
The concept, like many in today's restaurant world, is a dream for restaurateurs and a nightmare for diners.
The willingness of diners to be abused by random rules, impossible reservations, loud music, has created an environment which you can trace back directly to See Martin's great parody in LA Story.
("The duck? With this credit report? You can have the chicken!") I think he referred to it as "the new cruelty".
But a distinction should be made between a communal meal, where small plates are drawn from large platters, and are shared 'family style', and the format where a dish you order specifically is passed around randomly to all. The 'tasting menu' version, where "Chef" decides the timing and order of the delivery, is very much part of the new cruelty. And it's getting old.
17
Oh, thank you for lending a much-needed and humorous critique of dining tyranny, dish sharing at restaurants. Add to this downward trend the notion that “the kitchen will send out the dishes as they prepare them.” No, send the dishes in order from starter to main to dessert the way they are shown and I have ordered them.
20
Why is your wife explaining you don't like to share?
Perhaps you should be doing this yourself.
19
At the lamented Carnegie Deli, where tables were shared to accommodate the crowds, sharing the giant sandwiches meant an extra charge. One day the lady next to me got her pastrami sandwich and her friend took a sliver of meat from the plate. Bam! Down came a second plate and silverware setting. “You tasted, you “sharin’!”, hollered the waitress. A moment right out of Seinfeld.
74
Bravo Alex, for explaining “pacing” to those in need of edification. And what is lost when an exquisitely-prepared meal of several courses is consumed like a communal basket of chili fries.
On the subject of millennial pet-peeves, I look forward to your followup: “‘No Problem’,” You Say? My ‘Thank You’ Was An Expression of Gratitude, Not an Apology.”
39
A nice meal is not a game of 'Go Fish'. I tolerate sharing only if it involves something blended and a serving implement to deliver food to individual plates, like a big bowl of salad. Otherwise, give me a plate of separate foods: classically meat, a vegetable and a starch. Then I can enjoy the use of my fork and knife to mindfully consume my meal at my own pace with dignity. I'll rarely offer a bit to my wife if it's really exceptional. Otherwise, keep your saliva smeared fork away from my plate! A 'foodie' who is bored after his first taste is an impatient child who does not understand a meal as nutrition, as culture, as a time to enjoy peace, community and tradition. They are ill.
29
Huzzah!!
Golly, I would never put a used implement to someone else's plate, nor allow another's on mine! Yuck! There are usually extra unused utensils around -- teaspoons, perhaps, if the restaurant is upscale enough (how do those other places know that their diners will have no need for a spoon?), or even a clean knife to transfer a cut-off bit somewhere else.
1
Sounds like you're doing it wrong--a good shared meal should still have a discernible arc. And if you're finding you have to choose between satiating your hunger and desire to babble, consider ordering more food. Also, who could complain about getting to try the kobe beef? Live a little.
3
Me. I don't eat beef. And I don't want you to have my shrimp.
10
And I thought this practice only annoyed me.
Not to mention that the communally agreed upon list of appetizers ALWAYS seems to include calamari...which I hate. Why is that?
24
Calamari appetizers always consists of numerous individual small pieces, therefore easy to spoon a few onto each appetizer plate with a spoonful of the red sauce next to it.
3
Ize, it doesn't matter what size the calamari is ,JL said they hated it...probably doesn't want to pay for it ,either....
1
Because everyone else loves it.
Sometimes sharing works and sometimes it doesn't, depending on the group. We have one friend who tends to inhale food while still being able to talk non-stop--something none of the rest of us have mastered, so we don't share when this person is with us. But for Chinese, Indian, etc., sharing is almost a must and, besides, it's served with sharing in mind--with a serving spoon for each dish, eliminating double-dipping and other bad culinary habits. As I get older, I see advantages to getting separate bills, too. Fixed income and dining with someone who orders expensively or who likes to enjoy a cocktail or two can be annoying when you find yourself paying for triple of what your meal actually cost.
21
My wife and I dine out only on very special occasions and only sometimes with close friends. Because these are infrequent but very special occasions and people I care very much about, I have a few non-negotiable rules: 1.) We go to a very nice place that we collectively agree upon. That place CAN NOT be one of those snobby places where one has to book reservations a year in advance or where food is served in microscopic portions on side plates. 2.) I pick up the check. Since the occasions are infrequent and the people are dear to me, I don't worry about cost. 3.) Everybody gets indulged, meaning everybody gets whatever tickles their individual fancy. 4.) Anybody who tries snagging anything off my plate gets a fork buried into the back of their hand.
Put me down for no sharing...
20
Please invite me along. I do the same thing on my birthday. My spouse does the same on his. I think our friends love this arrangement, as I'm sure yours do as well.
5
I cannot eat spicy food so when my dining companions want to share various dishes, I opt out. I'd rather split an appetizer or dessert with one person and then order my own dish. I've often been told by wait staff that a dish isn't spicy when it turns out that it is - not spicy for the wait staff but spicy for my taste buds. Family-style sharing is fun and gives one the opportunity to try a few dishes but the thought of dining with 6-8 people and splitting plates and then asking who ate more or less isn't my idea of 'breaking bread' with friends. Comparing how the rest of the world shares food is a cultural familial issue as people on other continents have set meal times and aren't following foodie trends. IMO I believe that restaurant prices have skyrocketed with diners sharing small plates or indulging in exhorbitant tasting menus with accompanying wines. Restaurant dining is now geared for the rich and famous and I'll enjoy dining at a French bistro or Italian trattoria any time over any food palace that starts with a Le, La or Per.
9
At times while reading Mr. Williams column my thought was that this is a very sophisticated humor column, poking fun at both those who share dishes at a restaurant and those whom do not like sharing.
When I read his statement "I am a slow eater and a big talker." I realized that he was being serious. After re-reading it I realized that what Mr. WIlliams would enjoy is an authentic Dutch-Indonesian rijsttafel. Each dinner has a plate and takes small samples from the 30 to 40 small dishes. The dinners' own plates are occasionally changed so that the flavors do not mix. If the party of dinners is large and a particular dish is finished before everyone has sampled it, a refill is provided. Enjoying a rijsttafel is intended to be a 3 or 4 hour event that takes an entire evening.
Get thee to Amsterdam, go. Farewell. To Amsterdam, go, and quickly too. (Apologies to Shakespeare.)
6
Anywhere in the Netherlands, really. I have some Dutch relatives and the first time we visited, each family put its best foot forward -- with rijsttafel. We had it several nights in a row at different houses, after going to a rijsttafel restaurant the day of our arrival. And the best part was, the meals were all different!
It's like a buffet on your table. Hmm. Wonder if there are any rijsttafel restaurants in my area?.... Sadly Yelp says No.
1
I once attended a dinner with eight others at a very good restaurant with the small plate model. The food was stellar but I would not repeat the experience. Four seems to be the optimum number of diners for tapas or small plates which is not the same as 'family-style' dining.
2
YES!!
It too does keep my stories short or my waist line narrow.
But I am so tired of eating almost all the, good for me, broccoli and not much of what I really wanted because all 11 of us decided that, to their surprise, it was delicious.
Maybe limit shares to one or two minor items?
8
Never liked group sharing. I want to eat what I want, not what someone else wanted. My friend and I, both very senior, usually share as most servings in restaurants provide more food than we can eat and we disdain doggie bags. We usually share an appetizer and order separate entres. Conversely we also do the reverse, share the entre and order separate appetizer. We always share a desert if we're having one. We always share between ourselves. If we're with a group we may sometime share the same way with a friend. Never will go to a restaurant with a sharing charge
5
Disdain doggy bags? Why?
7
I disdain doggy bags too, and for the same reason that all refined food cultures do. They're vulgar. They're perfect for people who eat at TGIFridays or Olive Garden. They encourage waste and overeating, and blur the line between a fine meal and a feeding frenzy.
1
I have no objection to going with a group to a tapas bar or a Lebanese restaurant with a big platter of mezes to share, but I am really tired of the 3-star version of small plates, which is usually presented as "lighter." Yes, each course is slightly smaller than a traditional course, but the longer meal allows for more interstices to fill (or stuff) with a succession of amuse bouches, palate cleansers, etc., etc. before you reach dessert and the two or three post-dessert goodies.
I am not a heavy eater, and I have chronic back pain that gets worse and worse as the banquet goes on. Some servers refuse to take no for an answer if I ask to skip a course, and, unless I'm alone, I still have to wait for everyone else to finish. Several times, including one birthday dinner, I have finally left the table with back spasms and nausea, feeling as if I've fled a Roman orgy where the participants were encouraged to vomit so they could continue to eat and drink all night.
This is not my idea of fun.
9
Upon occasion, I agree with sharing, while eating Ethiopian food, for instance, as this is the culturally communal way of eating it.
However, my tastes are my own and sharing food tends to diversify the menu in ways I may not like, or care to pay for. While I risk sounding like a barbarian, I have been known to point my fork at those attempting to take a bite from my plate. Both actions are not welcome at a dinner table.
13
Isn't there a sanitation concern here? Why would I want to dig into a dish in which two or three other folks already have wiped their forks? It seems kind of disgusting, not to mention dangerous. One thing I do disagree with in this article, however, is the idea that a meal is only three courses. It takes five courses to make a meal -- soup, salad, appetizer, entree and desert. Anything less is merely supper or a snack.
7
that's what the little plates are for, so everyone can serve themselves a little portion with a separate, neutral serving spoon/fork/knife.
4
One of my most memorable evenings of food came at a tapas restaurant in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where some friends and I visited years ago. A fellow foodie agreed to share several small plates of more "exotic" fare with me than the rest of the table wanted. We enjoyed both good conversation and discovered some real treats. I don't mind sharing if my companion is someone I am happy to share with.
7
And we don't all require the same amount of sustenance, I usually consume half again what my husband consumes, not just because I'm somewhat larger (and I'm not fat), but my metabolism is higher. I can't live on nibbles and lettuce. We ate at the French Laundry once and I was starved for the first 90 minutes and to me that is not the a good dining experience: pasta as a starter plate for me!
6
I don't have a problem with the concept of sharing: it's great to be able to taste everything, and most of my dining companions are respectful of fair portioning and not double-dipping with used utensils.
But what really annoys me is restaurants that encourage sharing but create dishes that are impossible to divide. I was at one recently that served a single piece of crostini that, when we tried to cut it, cracked into bits and flew off the plate.
At another place, the dishes could easily have been structured to divide easily, but weren't. For example, a dish of croquettes with aioli and micro herbs. We were two people, and they served three croquettes. So we each had one, then tried to split the third, only to have it fall apart and ooze all its cheese filling onto the plate. How hard would it have been to serve four croquettes?
79
excellent point!
4
Dishes that are impossible to divide drive me crazy too. Three were sharing a dessert that had two rasberries. I asked for one more raspberry and were charged $2 extra for it.
11
We tried this new fad last year. Completely agree with you. You have no real sense of how much you are eating; you have to worry if you are having too much of the tastier item; it's kind of gross to actually share the food on the same plate - yes? It costs way more. You have to coordinate with everyone else to accommodate the vegans, vegetarians, allergies. And then there's the big eaters. What do they do? Thankfully there are plenty of other awesome restaurants.
89
I think it's clear: The customer at a restaurant gets to decide.
You get to do what you want.
Why is there a big discussion about this? My wife and I, my family, my 14 Grandchildren share many things: work, cooking, eating out, cleaning up. I hope you have people to share your life with.
8
"Small plates" means big bills and going home hungry. And then there is the noise--if not "music," then bare floors and "stamped" ceilings leading to everyone shouting. Eating out is generally an unpleasant experience. I must be in the minority as the restaurants in my town are packed.
94
The noise at many newly popular places is unnerving. It not only prevents conversation I think it raises stress levels (mine, anyway) which is the opposite of what I am seeking. I'd love to see some researcher try to discover if loud noise actually interferes with smell and taste - it wouldn't be surprising.
15
I agree. It's stressful and unpleasant - but I suppose that's the point. The restaurant wants you to eat and get out so they can make money off someone else. Places like that, I don't go back.
13
The next movement will be the weighed portion option. In this digital age, all portions consumed can be weighed and billed directly to the individual diners ticket...and they pay according to how much they ate. Dining will be a whole new experience.
9
That already happens if you order fish, which is often sold by the pound, not the portion.
2
This is how much of the world eats every meal. I work with refugees and most of the time there are communal platters of food. They offer me a plate, and occasionally will have a bowl for soup, but usually all eat from platters. They usually use a piece of a flat bread like pita or bigger ones to pick up food. Soup and ice cream are of course served in individual bowls. Most of the time the food is already cut up. Sharing probably precedes cooking. This doesn't mean we have to do it in restaurants, but it is a practice with deep roots,
39
There is a difference between a "communal platter" and the "small plates" phenomenon. A communal platter is typically large, and is intended to feed multiple people. Most families in the US eat in this fashion too, it isn't just refugees. Think of Thanksgiving or almost any home cooked meal where the food is served from a common platter or bowl and people serve from that onto their own plates. Small plates are the opposite - they are such small portions that your party needs to order a bunch of them, e.g. 3-4 per person and the expectation is that the already small portions need to be subdivided even further so everyone can get a bite.
20
Aha. Someone with as virulent a prejudice against sharing as the author.
It's remarkable how much emotion seems to be invested in a personal choice.
3
"...it is a practice with deep roots..." So are community outhouses. We are not a Third World Country (yet!). We have been eating with individual portions now for centuries. Why do we need to change?
36
Thanks for this. Really enjoyed it, and it is very true. I also am the one who talks, while others eat. I find it turns a leisurely event into an anxious one.
Inevitably, there is the meal ending, "You only had one of these," or "Did you have one of these?", where I wonder or forget what "one of these" is/was and whether I wanted it in the first place, while the questioner has their fork poised to grab it under my nose.
I usually demur in the anxiety of the moment, leaving the restaurant wondering what I ate and feeling dissatisfied.
80
I agree,thanks for presenting the argument! In addition I despise buffets, the "sharing" trend is just a variation on its theme. I believe in a well composed meal where ingredients work together not against each other. While some of the cuisines mentioned are shared, more often than not what appears to the uninformed is a composed meal not a mish mash.I rather prepare and eat at home than share a meal for all the reasons listed in the article.
38
Well said except you forgot cravings. If I've craved persimmon tofu for 3 days in anticipation of this dinner out, I want to eat and savor it. Someone else's selections just aren't going to do it for me.
25
In many ways I love sharing...it allows you to sample a lot of options at places that have interesting menus. Also, I often find main courses far too big and so being able to pick a nice variety of small plates means I usually can eat less. However - I have found small plates are a huge mess if you are with a larger party (meaning anything over 4 people and even that is pushing it)...you never know how many plates to order and invariably you don't get enough of something you really enjoyed..also I often find the bill is large but I don't feel like I necessarily ate a commensurate amount of food. Basically small plates require rules: 4 people or less, very similar palates and/or food sensitivities and an ability to not be selfish.
47
Yeah I agree. I'm trying not to overeat and restaurant portions can be huge so I like the small plate trend in general. My only issue is that I don't eat meat so that makes it tricky; I end up footing the bill for people who do eat meat and generally speaking it's more expensive.
9