Dear Career Counselor: I would like a job applauding for Dear Leader every time he signs the executive orders he so loves to scribble his real name on. I am also very accomplished at smiling and nodding while clapping, and I can make up fake compliments with the best (although the competition in that department is very fierce); I will practice, practice, and practice some more!
14
Here's a proposal that would simultaneously eliminate the WH employment problems and the national debt.
Have Trump do a WH timeshare-conversion/reality show whereby anyone with the requisite $20 billion can be "President for a Day."
This scheme would simultaneously pay down the entire $21 trillion Obama debt in three years—assuming no vacancies—and relieve Trump of stultifying quotidian tasks like having to hire the help.
It would likely require a constitutional amendment, but everyone will be on board, I am sure.
11
I misheard the name over the radio of Trump's newest appointee, Mr. Kudlow, and thought the President had named the actress Lisa Kudrow as his new chief economic adviser. Then I realized that even if she were interested in working for this particular administration, and had taken a course or two in the field, she'd be way overqualified for the job compared to Trump's other appointees to important positions.
17
"What has deVos got that I have not got?" asks one job seeker, a teacher none the less. The very incomplete answer was 5.4 billion dollars. While most of us would like to be billionaires, the other qualifications for jobs in this administration are things we are glad we are lacking. A complete ignorance of the agency and how it works. A brain surgeon at HUD; an oil executive at State, a governor at DOE, and Betsy DeVos. I could go on. Gov. Perry deserves some credit since he admitted he was surprised to find out what the Dept. of Energy did, and said that he was in a learning process, which indicates that he is listening to the career experts, and which is more than you can say for the others. But then I remember he wanted to get rid of the agency in the previous election cycle before he know what it did.
14
Dear Career Counselor,
I want a job like the one Gail Collins has - shooting fish in a rain barrel.
Signed,
Old and in the Way
13
Thank you Gail, as always. for your incisive wit.
14
I try to remember Ms. Collins writing scathing opinion pieces about President Obama's team when they launched Obamacare.
Ooops, that's right. I forgot, President Obama was brilliant. And a man as brilliant as him would have only hired equally brilliant people.
4
HR motto at the White House "When being the best of the best is a bust!"
A job at the White House might be easy to get, but it's hard to keep -- or even to want to keep. And remember, there are ten "bests of the best" just salivating at the prospect of applying for administration jobs from which the previous "bests of the best" just got fired.
It isn't easy being the best.
7
Dear Career Counselor,
I was the fairest of angels working for a dude in a very high place who had to take credit for everything. When I spoke up I ended up in a lower place where the climate never changes, the rules are flexible and I am in charge of a legion of fallen angels. But I am bored and looking for a challenged talent to advise and assist.
- Light Bearer
5
We must play out any chaos game that is currently taking place in Government -- President Trump's government or anybody else's. Prior to the Trump Admin. America was stagnant, dysfunctional, way off the tracks, had already become Third World in classification.
It takes the chaos of chaos to clean up a situation such as the one we have been in for decades. If we have to go a little further down the tubes, then sobeit. Mr. Trump knows how to play the game and can be his own man and guide how things are going to go to get America back on track and functing properly again. The first year of his Administration has not been smooth, easy, necessarily winning, but it has been adventuresome and has woken up people who need to be engaged -- that's us, or U. S.
I would be very happy to work in the administration, in a role where my training and experience would be of benefit. Many of those political jobs need to be unfilled, they are worthless.
I clean toilets for a living. I think that makes me eminently qualified to work in this administration.
I'd still rather just clean toilets for a living.
22
If you want to move up, get promoted, from your current job, you should give the trump white house a pass. It will be a definite step down, and a resume killer. Just check with Rex.
5
Dear Career Counselor,
I am a retired chicken-sexer and I would like to offer my services as a body double for President Trump. People say I bear a remarkable resemblance to our Commander in Chief: small hands, missing bone spurs, a bald patch which I cover with an old raccoon, and a 6.2 body frame which can just squeeze through doorways when I suck in my breath. I am also highly intelligent. My mom told me this when I was 3 years old and I never forgot it, even if she did. Like the president, I love healthy farmhouse cooking from McDonalds and I insist on two scoops of ice-cream when eating in company, especially with my dog Ranger.
Seeing how busy Mr Trump is these days, what with inspecting the state of American golf courses and taking calls at all hours of the night from his good friend Mr Putin, I would be proud to take some of the burden off our hard-working president by covering for him at official functions and pen-signing ceremonies. My tiny hands are ready and willing.
Yours sincerely,
Ronald Frump
21
You're overqualified.
7
'Hello, American voters. I'm not an economist, I just play one on TV! But I'll be senior White House economist from here on out; so be sure to catch my evening commentary on Fox News for all the fair and balanced details.'
Your faithful servant,
Larry Kudlow
17
Just like Donald, I graduated from "the best schools" and I have a "very high IQ -- one of the highest IQs there is. People talk all the time about my high IQ." In addition, although I have been seeing a therapist for the last 10 years, my problem of lying and exaggerating all the time has not been cured. (I know Donald has that same problem, although he has not seen a therapist for help). I never read because, like Donald, I prefer to get information in picture form (but not any pictures that are in the possession of an adult film actress). And I also don't like to have to write; I think anything can be explained using 140 characters on Twitter. Do you think I could get a job in The White House and, if so, do you think my brother and his wife could also get jobs?
13
But trump wears his IQ on his shirt cuff, and tries to flash it from time to time.
45
7
Unless you have the education and training (or equivalent skills) to build a robot, program it, repair it or replace it, you're not going anywhere. The days of working with your hands and earning a middle class income are gone. Either you have an education or you don't and there's nothing Trump can do about that!
2
'The days of working with your hands and earning a middle class income have come and gone.'
Really? Gee, I wish you'd explain that to the guy who charges $100 an hour to work on my BMW; and the plumber, the electrician, the drywall guy...
5
Question: Does the White House employ all of the Tweet Ghost Writers or can an unpaid volunteer get a password to represent theirself as The President of the United States?
My favorite Ghost Tweeter is the president's personal lawyer, John Dowd, who told CNN on 3 December 2017 that he wrote the tweet about the firing of former White House national security adviser Michael Flynn.
"I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI. He has pled guilty to those lies. It is a shame because his actions during the transition were lawful. There was nothing to hide!"
Dowd declined to answer additional questions about whether Trump reviewed the tweet before it was posted. "Enough already," he said in an email. "I don't feed the haters."
https://www.cnn.com/2017/12/03/politics/flynn-firing-dowd-tweet/index.html
John Dowd is 'the best'. He writes just like Donald Trump speaks. Uncanny 'talent'.
8
I'm retried and have little to do. Do they need a White House greeter?
11
It's only a matter of time before Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest from Fox and Friends are working in the White House so they can "inform" Trump every day so that he needn't bother watching them on TV. There are plenty of openings so he can just plug them in wherever and ensure they are available to do the daily briefing for him each morning.
10
Thanks for several LOL moments!
14
I'd like to ask, what is it that people in this administration, people like Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson, Rick Perry, Scott Pruitt, Jared Kushner, Wilbur Ross, Kellyanne Conway, actually do? Does any one really have any idea?
I mean, it's a 40 hour work week, after all. I had a job once where I had to fill out a time sheet explaining what I did all day to justify my existence.
I would like to see this bunch's time sheets.
20
Betsy Devos is busy crossing low performing schools off her list of "must visit" destinations. Ben Carson is busy picking out furniture. Rick Perry still hasn't figured out he's not in Austin anymore. Scott Pruitt is busy finding out what the Koch bros and Exxon-Mobil's CEO really want him to do. Jared Kushner is busy trying to cover his tracks to Russia and apparently, failing miserably. Wilbur Ross is busy trying to help large corporations and banks find ways to legally give the public the shaft. Kellyanne is flying private charters at the taxpayers' expense. All in all, an extremely engaged and busy group of people.
10
Did you ever see "The Sopranos"?
When they were going to infest a construction site, the Mafia divvied up the "no-show jobs" and the "show but no work jobs" and the occasional slug got a "show up and work job"...the poor schlub!
6
"Or what about the young man who carried around extra pens for the president?"
I think you mean extra crayons.
twitter: @rodthorn
18
Dear Ms. Counselor;
My psychologist suggested that I write you because it would appear that I have the absolutely perfect skill set and demeanor for the Trump Administration.
You see Ms. Counselor, I am bi polar (you should see me when I am on a roll), in addition to having a messiah complex to boot. I know Ms. Counselor, a unique combination and, even better, I do not take meds because it interferes with my messianic outbursts.
Perhaps President (for life) Trump can create a brand new position for me, something akin and equal to my unique skill set. For example, he can name me Pope of the United States.
Think of the possibilities Ms. Counselor.
I can give inspirational speeches just like our president and forgive everyone right on the spot, thus insuring a steady stream of sin.
He can build me a replica of St. Peters Basilica right next door to Noah's Ark and the Creationist Museum in Kentucky and instead of stepping on dead popes, President (for life) Trump's flock can step on dead liberals, thus giving his flock a sense of power they never had before.
We can even give out tiki torches and parade throughout the land with a sense of self righteousness and all that is good in the world.
Last, but not least, I have seen every episode of The Apprentice and Celebrity Apprentice multiple times and bed wet so he does not have to hire hookers.
So, can you put in a good word for me Ms. Counselor. I just want to serve my country in the best way I know how.
Thanks!
13
The Rick Saccone joke was quite good; until GC proceeded to, inexplicably, *explain* it in the next paragraph.
If your jokes need explaining, they are probably bad jokes.
If you think your readers are too slow, or not sophisticated enough to get your subtle humor without explanation... that's probably even worse, no?
I actually found the explanation the punch line in this instance
4
I am a white (seems to be a qualification), slender woman who is willing to spend hours in front of the mirror. I do need a few sessions on styling my hair (the boss likes big hair). And I need help with spending more than two minutes on make up. And please don't ask me to "enhance my looks with surgery". For the right price, I could just read the Travel and Real Estate sections of the NYT but if required to watch FOX, I could only do that, muted! I had experience watching Polish TV overseas where we made up stories to fit the images. That seems like a good fit for your administration. But Mom taught me to be thoughtful, kind and open minded so I guess that part of me is a bad fit. I think I could furnish my new office nicely from IKEA and have even sewn my own Roman Shades with a 40% coupon from JoAnn's. That will go over well in areas like Pennsylvania 18. So where do I submit my application? Oh, sorry I am old but there are parts of me that look like Ivanka.
48
Brilliant.
3
My son is currently working for a company that pumps out septic tanks. He wouldn't mind working for the president but wonders if he would be advancing his career. Now that's a difficult question to answer.
27
Question: Is the IRS audit of Mr. Trump's 2015 tax return been completed yet?
I'm sure it must be. And, I'm sure he would be more than willing to release it.
Aren't you?
7
I have a very, very high IQ and my mom tells me that I'm the best she's ever seen at everything I do. I'd be happy to work for Donald Trump as Director of Communications or, it the position should open up as Vice President, I could fill that position, too. As a matter of fact I can do a lot of things just like the president's son-in-law Jared. I could be Vice President AND make peace in the middle East while reducing the government's costs by restructuring the whole Caboodle so there aren't any excess costs while draining the swamp. I have my own sump pump and would get to work right away on that. The president would finally have someone who could do everything he could possibly want and I'd be a one-man cabinet because I'm just THAT GOOD. I'm an excellent cook and I know a thing or two about how to keep the White House spotless. In addition, I could take the place of all his Secret Service agents in a pinch.
16
america is indeed a joke. But you are the punchline.
#calexit - because the world is laughing at the united failed states.
11
Memo to job applicants:
If you get invited to join the Trump team, please do not quit your day-job.
19
Thank you Gail!! Your humorous satire on this impersonation of an 'American' president and his crimes against his own appointees and hires always makes me laugh.
Fifty Trump people gone in 13.5 months due to being fired because they wouldn't sign an "I love Trump above God and my country and my mother!" personal pledge of allegiance or fired due to one of his nasty turns against someone probably brought on by "an undigested bit of beef", or fired because they were facing criminal charges, and there are those who resigned and ran for the door because they couldn't stand being tortured by Trump any longer. They had reached the "nadir of their sufferings".
13
Based on the unfilled vacancies and extreme turnover, it appears to me that Trump is doing his best to increase the unemployment ranks.
But, while I am not an economist, Trump should hire me to reduce the US debt. I would start by charging him and his spawn for all their golf outings, Trump/Kushner shopping, vacation and personal business trips, and bill him the cost of the increase in national liquor consumption and alcohol treatment, since he snuck into the White House.
I will send my job application to FOX 'News where it will get Sony's attention.
18
My brother took Russian in college and I told him 2 years ago to promote himself for Ambassador to Russia. Did he listen---oh no, he just hangs out on golf courses all the time. Right now he's part of the tournaments but when all the golf course workers have been deported he can moonlight as a gardener! As for me, I would like to be First Lady since I hear the position will soon be open and you get to order china and plan parties but don't have to talk to or travel with the President. I would be able to order up a plane and for a mere $64,000 I could get away for the weekend. I am SO qualified to be Flotus
21
Lots of us want to nominate a poet laureate to the White House, to add some dignity and culture. Larry Eisenberg.
21
Dear Career Counselor,
Go ahead and mock - just remember, he who laughs last laughs best. I know exactly what I'm doing. I have succeeded in implementing a radical right agenda that others thought was impossible. I've given myself and my friends huge tax breaks, gotten away with not showing my tax returns, am in the process of kneecapping Obamacare, undoing Dodd-Frank, and rolling back every policy my predecessor enacted.
How have I managed all this? By a combination of willful ignorance of reality and a laser like focus on perception. Salesmen aren't supposed to know too much about the products they peddle. They have to get out there and SELL. And that's what I want in my staff. People who know how to sell - not themselves so much as sell ME and my administration and my agenda, which as of now is the right wing agenda.
The right wing doesn't believe in big gov't, or even good gov't. So what better way to further that agenda than by hiring people whose interests are antithetical to the offices they are hired to run? Why fill positions for jobs you don't want to get done?
I will be laughing last - all they way to the bank. By the time the public fully appreciates the extent to which I sold them a bill of goods, I will be long out of office, and it'll probably be some Democrat who gets blamed for making the difficult choices that my actions will necessitate in the future.
Your CEO-in-chief
Don the Con
39
Dear Ms. Collins,
I hope today's column will be a regular feature like Dear Abby.
While I'm writing, I'd like to apply for a job with the Office of Government Ethics. It's pretty obscure but I Googled it. I have what I believe is a unique skill. Years ago I discovered that when I told little white lies I'd often get caught. However, if I lied about absolutely everything, all the time, people believed me because their brains were overwhelmed by the shear volume of my lies. Why, I'm not even writing this message! Which Trump administration position do you suggest, or does it matter?
Very Insincerely Yours,
A. Gullible Trump Supporter
P.S. Mexico will pay for the wall. I guarantee it!
22
Gail, So what are the job qualifications for Ambassador to Ireland. Would love the job - however, I voted for HRC Madam President and am way to smart to every call Trump any thing but a conman and Fraudster. I'm pretty sure he realizes that is what he does best, and that has worked well for him. Just keep lying to the American people, over and over and over again and they start to believe the lies. A very gullible group. I'm sure the Irish are much smarter and hate Trump as well and more than I do perhaps.
15
Dear Career Counselor,
I'm surprised you are still handing out advice cuz I'd like to complain to your boss. I followed your recommendation and applied at the White House. Got hired too. That was a mistake. Them hiring me and me taking the job. Believe me.
I started out as nothing more than the coffee boy. Then I had to start booking private jet travel. Next thing you know, they wanted me to start learning to speak Ukrainian. That was too hard so they wanted me to draw pictures on the PDB. How are you supposed to draw a picture showing meddling? Especially when the TV is on all day long.
Now, I'm out of a job because I don't know how to plan parades. And do you know how much lawyers cost? I can't afford them!!!!! Believe me. So, I want to write to your boss and complain about you. You need to stop sending people over there.
Sincerely,
Broke
17
Years ago, the 22-year old research assistant in our department observed that a lot of the really good jobs these days are working as a paid liar--sales, advertising, politicians, lawyers, the entire pharmaceutical and fossil fuel industries, the NRA, so-called TV reality shows, PR, Fox News and right-wing media, pundits....
The trend he identified has now turned in an art form and is about to become/is the norm, at least in politics--no better role model than our President and Liar-in-Chief Donald J. Trump. Has any statistician calculated this man's truth-to-lie ratio?
In fact, in the Trump Mis-Administration and with Paul Ryan and the GOP running the country, there is no such thing as truth, and when it comes to job performance, lying and loyalty are absolutely essential.
Watch Sarah Huckabee-Sanders kids to see how it is done. Never flinches, stonewalls and changes the subject, misrepresents, twists the truth into a pretzel with merely a glare and a sneer. And she defends her boss like a pit bull--bosses these days love that.
In fact the entire hierarchical bureaucratic structure often depends on telling your boss only what he or she wants to hear. A mid-level corporate executive told me that back in the 1980s. This may have a lot to do with why we are in such a mess these days.
My hope lies in the younger generation to reject what the GOP-Trump-NRA generation has handed them. Back to the truth! But you may need to start your own job market.
10
"Truth to Lie Ratio"
Great! I will be using that. Thanks.
4
Oh - and I can't WAIT for my Mulligan, or Two or Three, or One-Hundred-Three! That should qualify me for ANY WH posting!
4
Sad but true. Education secretary who knows nothing about education; EPA chief destroying the environment; interior secretary destroying the interior; HUD chief who needs a frontal lobotomy; energy secretary who forgot what he's there for; federal judges who have never tried a case; Fox News blonde as undersecretary of state for public diplomacy; son-in-law in charge of Mideast peace, innovatiion, relations with China and Mexico; financial criminal as "bodyman;" daughter as ??????
22
Gail, we love you. Never quit your day job!
13
I thought "The Mooch" lasted eleven days.
5
Dear Career Counselor,
Are there any job openings in the Procurement of Porn Stars (POPS)? I see there has been considerable activity in this area, but no listings on the job sites.
Asking for a friend
25
Can someone please tweet this entire column to Trump?
# White House Jobs. They're so stupid over there, they might even try to contact some of these "applicants."
13
Dear Career Counselor,
I are graduated from the Trump Unevercity wiff a digree in finesse. I major in bancrupcities and hope you will give me a job.
I broke now and need some cash.
Help!!
25
Lame and predictable... the mean girl has spoken.
Gail hasn't got a mean bone in her body. But she calls a spade a spade.
27
Aww Greg c'mon. Look at the bright side. We'll always have Mar-A-Lago
10
Greg, the guy who has no sense of humour, has spoken.
10
You gotta laugh, or else you cry. Thank you, Gail Collins.
13
Gail,
You're starting to channel Mencken.
Time for a time out.
Get some rest.
Donald J Chaos & Co are the party of wrong. Innocent Black Americans being killed by overzealous police. Solution? Rescind the DOJ police reform program. Result? More innocent Black Americans being killed by overzealous police. Mightiest military in the world. Solution? Give them more money than they can efficiently spend. Result? Same mighty military at an increased cost. Record corporate profits. Solution? Corporate tax cut. Result? Higher dividends, bonuses and stock buybacks. North Korea testing missiles near our allies. Solution? Double dog dare Kim Jong Un to try it again! Result? Appointment in schoolyard after school. School shooters still have easy access to guns. Solution? Rescind Obama executive order against the mentally ill. Result? More school shootings and NRA support. Porn stars being discriminated against for White House positions. Solution? Keep the disclosures of Trumpian marital excess coming. Result? Stormy Daniels, new White House director of communications.
7
Very funny, Gail, but you overlooked one joke still on your plate: To "Z" who's looking for an ambassador job, you might have mentioned minister to Nambia. I hear that post is still empty, too. http://www.newsweek.com/trump-speech-nambia-un-general-assembly-668715
8
Great column, Gail, but if Trump read it, which he won't, the joke would be over his head because he really is that stupid.
13
Jumping into the Trump job pool would be like jumping into a vat of sulfuric acid.
5
And when you leave, ain't a Silkwood shower long enough to get the stench off.
2
Dear Career Counselor:
Have you considered a job in the White House? Perhaps Press Secretary? Position currently occupied by someone with no sense of humor. A perfect chance for you to fail forward.
Good luck. "Fred"
8
Response to my application seeking employment at the WH:
Dear Christine,
Thank you for your application for a position in the White House. We scanned social media and discovered that you have called the President an imbecile, a liar, an adulterer, and a cad in the failing New York Times comment section over the last 14 months. Would you accept an offer of $130,000 to cease and desist? If so, contact Michael Cohen.
22
Dear Career Counselor,
Is there a Cabinet Position in this Administration where the credentials are bootlicking, swatting flies in the Oval Office and nodding yes to the boss?
Additional skills include steaming pants while they are worn? Door Dash experts a plus?
7
OK. I give in. You do not need Romney's dog on the roof anymore.
9
Would you like to know why Larry Kudlow will be Trump's good buddy?
I managed TV news operations for many years. Many great people....the best people. But also many Kudlows.
Troubled by personal issues, addictions, obsessed with image and self promotion, and generally good at talking nonsense.
Oh, and playing at faith when it is convenient and making sure everyone knows they've found the big guy and He is now guiding them. So everything is ok and forget all that mess of the past.
I'm a journalist nerd, so it always felt weird being around these types. And any close interaction made me squirm.
Kind of like some will feel when Trump is a FOX regular.
10
An A+ for all the comments today. Unfortunately that means all of you are unqualified!!!
11
Way to go Gail. The best way to attack someone is thru humor and sarcasm. Mel Brooks has built a career around ridiculing the Nazis.
I'll bet that Romney rues the day he strapped his dog to the top of his car.
We need to laugh at the administration so that we do not cry.
11
Dear Career Counselor, Remember when the prez was asked if the russkies were behind the hacking of the Democratic National Committee? And he said it could’ve been anyone – from the Chinese to a “400-pound guy." Well, yup, that was me. I cut back on KFC so I am down to 310. I would looove to work in the White House and quit living in my mom's basement. Is that job carrying the "football" open. I used to be team manager in high school, so no sweat. Is there a basement room with WiFi in the White House? Sincerely, Chris in New Jersey
18
I think to be in the trump job pool you need to realize a few things.
trump is always right!
trump always wins
trumpworld is the real world
any bad PR is fake news
you cant have any morals
you must be willing to destroy your reputation for trump
you don't need experience or expertise in your job.
13
Calling all cranks, creeps, cheats, liars, thieves and traitors....your time is now.
11
Just install a revolving door to the White House for the duration of this corrosive administration — we can replace it and fumigate after it's all over.
7
Personally, I'd never apply for a job where the boss has the intelligence of a bucket of doorknobs.
15
In Trumneyland, you can be whatever your wee heart desires.
No qualifications? No problem. No brain? Even better. Past your sell-by date? That's okay, just dye your hair a really funny color and comb it over your face. Hides the stitching.
No taste, judgment, class, civility, kindness, empathy, or minimal social skills? Well, some 30 plus percent of Americans think that's just awesome.
Really smarmy? Carousing with porn queens while your young, beautiful wife is alone at home with your infant son? That's the kind of stuff the 30 plus loves. Show women where they belong.
No values whatsoever? No policies? No true beliefs? No problem. That 30 plus percent has none either.
10
Mr. Kudlow is regarded as one of the sane ones. Clearly the White House is Ding Dong School without Professor Cory. Sad!!
4
Boy, just think of the swamp the next prez will have to drain.
12
Trump promised a reality show and he’s giving us one. This is all on the slow-brained ignorant people who bought into it!
10
All I say to everyone hired by trump, take an example from Mr. Gary Cohn , quit before trump fires you in an insulting and humiliating way.
But you Mr. Rex Tillerson, consider yourself being lucky, you did not want this job but your wife asked you to.
So breathe out and chill.
9
Better than diving into his gene pool. Yuck.
5
not funny anymore! Our country is going down the drain.
4
If only these opportunities were around when I was in high school. Alas, we had a working government way back then.
6
IF you wish to PROTECT your careers for the rest of your working days, do not go for a "Knife in the Back" from Trump. His promises are about as VOID as his continuing LIES about everything. He TRIES to talk a great game - but failure follows him/his lies/his performance/his self-praise!!!
3
I have to do things to subsist, but I don’t really have plans to go work for Trump who reminds me of Theophilus Van Kannel, who developed the revolving door, and did so because of an aversion to holding open doors for women and other acts of chivalry. Like Trump a terrible human being. inventing his way out of social phobia.
5
Hah Gail! The USA is the laughing stock of the world. I have a great friend who thinks maybe Trump is good cause he is just so bad. I do not believe this. When I was in Bolivia in 1983 the US embassy had a molotov cocktail lobbed into it, nary a hair of surprise. The US has become the new Bolivia.
3
Mueller! When will you put us out of our misery?
14
Priceless, Gail. Truly priceless.
Right, the Trump organization (it's hard to juxtapose these oxymoronic words) should use one of those jobs services that we always see being advertised on CNN. They guarantee to get the right person, like, f'rinstance, Anthony Scaramucci.
Unfortunately, there's no one in the White House to do the hiring. Once they get that position filled, that grandson might stand a chance. Does he like working two month contracts?
I'm bucking for Ambassador to Bordeaux.
5
Several times I wanted to smile. I really did. But Trump (known in our household as "The Idiot") seems to be realizing that he is president of the United States, and that is no laughing matter. Trump whisperer Hope Hicks is gone. Melania hates him. Cohn and Tillerson are gone. The White House is running out of non-sycophants who might curb Trump's idiotic whims. Space force, anyone? Yesterday he bragged - bragged - about making up facts on the spot while discussing trade with Justin Trudeau. With Canada and the U.S. currently hard at work renegotiating the NAFTA agreement, at Trump's request and while he holds steel and aluminum tariffs to Canada's throat, it was an...undiplomatic admission. And The Idiot is feeling unfettered and cocky. Things are becoming less funny.
27
I'm not even sure Haldeman or Ehrlichman would apply in this White House! G Gordon wouldn't even want this on his resume!
16
Whoever said that you can’t write a parody of a parody never read Gail Collins.
19
Way too funny and way too true. Thx for the morning punch.
16
RE John McEntee - So you're telling me a personal assistant can be fired from the White House over security clearance issues due to taxes, but for the President the only security requirement is whether he can be elected or not, even while intentionally NOT releasing his taxes?
28
This would be funny if it weren't so sad. Working in the whitehouse used to be considered honorable but not under this president. He attracts the bottom feeders because no one worth having is willing to tarnish themselves.
16
If I were a job applicant I would give a shout-out to Betsy DeVos for enhancing my vocabulary. I now have a deeper, more visceral understanding of what a "kakistocracy" is.
21
Dear Career Counselor. ——-Since John McEnroe has been “let go” - “downsized” - “sacked” - I would like to assume his position.
I’m seventy-seven, with a spin serve and competitive appearing volleys. After watching me I’m sure John Macatee and John McPhee would recommend my appointment. I also hold a championship in saying, “You cannot be serious” the most times at the Park District Tennis facility.
Trump would not fire me for at least two weeks / shows or post Un talks.
I have learned the Chicago (by the way no one living or having lived in Chicago never uses the silly “Chi Town”) aldermanic creed “Where’s mine”.
All Best — Dry Socket
9
Gail, please stop making me laugh and fall out of my chair at Pinky’s Stop & Eat. I know, your little jokes are suppose to make me angry and cry, but I can’ help laughing at the truth.
11
Dear Career Counselor:
I am retired but am willing to be drafted for a White House gig. I have never referred to the president as a "moron," at least not on tape. I understand some "communications" posts are available, but my bachelors degree is in English and I don't want to be overqualified, so something working with numbers would be better. And I'm kind of reclusive, so maybe something working in human resources would be a fit. Could I telecommute from west Florida? I could be flown, first class of course, from Sarasota.
Thank you.
19
Dear Career Counselor:
Please attach my application to Jim's. I too have a degree in English and am hopeless in math, so perhaps a position in the Treasury Department would suit me best. I could count money and make sure Secretary Munchkin's signature appears on every bill. And as far as commuting from Sarasota is concerned, no problem. I could fly free as Jim's checked luggage if he has a first class ticket.
Thank you.
6
Brilliant!
3
Bulls-eye! Thanks for the laughs this morning & Happy St. Patrick's Day to you & your family!
5
Dear Career Counselor,
Until recently I had a good job as a writer for TV sitcoms, then some of the female staff conspired against me and I was out the door. I'm sure I can make up better stories than the crew of losers currently camped in the White House. Do you think I have a shot at - oops, sorry, chance at - presidential speech-writer? Or how about press secretary?
Sincerely,
Longing For The Potomac
7
Is it me or does all the real news read like the ONION? Please can we fast forward to November????
14
Your last sentence says it all!
4
Maybe Mcantee can get a job running trumps casinos
4
Linda, in Oklahoma. Keep up the good work. It gives me hope for our “hick” state to see your thoughts.
4
Dear General Kelly: I wish to apply for the unfilled position of White House Science Advisor. I am a former middle school science teacher with experience teaching basic science to 12-year olds.
157
Twelve year olds? Sorry, your experience is inapplicable to your intended audience - unless you've taught at the elementary level, too.
6
Sorry, B Clark - you're over-qualified.
p.
14
Obviously, you are overqualified.
4
Great column, Ms. Collins! Every now and then I write a comment that is published in the NYT comment section - maybe I could do a little moonlighting to augment my retirement income, and write speeches for Trump. Ya think?
9
I heart Gail Collins.
10
Priceless writing.
5
Dear Career Counselor,
Since POTUS doesn’t read, who had the job of taking his exams at Wharton? That must have been his training ground for The Apprentice and the POTUS gig. The first “reader” could give us insight into speaking in simple sentences, using superlatives, gaming the system, surviving in chaos. Please put your best investigative reporter on this.
9
Dear Gail,
I haven't laughed since election day, but today I did. It felt strange. Is there something wrong with me?
Sulky Sam
11
That's not fair to Secretary DeVos. Her father is a billionaire and her brother is Erik Prince.
5
Thank you for the chuckles Ms. Collins.
5
It's a big joke.
A daily clown car skids to a stop
in front of the White House.
Out pour double vetted,
super qualified, highest collective
IQ admin. appointees in the history
of our country. They set to work pulling
apart and destroying decades of
intellectual and physical infrastructure.
Big deal, we can just put it back together
after Trump and his wrecking crew are
gone. Fact, it takes one to two hundred times
longer to build a new bridge than tear down
an old one. The United States of America
is being destroyed by a subset of its own citizens.
All this at a time when the world hangs in the balance of
a pending environmental disaster that soon will be irreversible.
Pity the children.
19
“As for the United States, it is 18th out of 156 countries surveyed — down four spots from last year’s report and five from 2016’s, and substantially below most comparably wealthy nations. Though the economy is generally strong and per capita income is high, it ranks poorly on social measures: Life expectancy has declined, suicide rates have risen, the opioid crisis has worsened, inequality has grown and confidence in government has fallen."
World Happiness Report, NY Times Today
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/14/world/europe/worlds-happiest-countrie...®ion=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well
“We gonna win so much you may even get tired of winning and you'll say please, please Mr. President, It's too much winning! We can't take it anymore!”
---- Donald Trump
So he was right.
With him as President, we have gotten very sick and tired of winning.
So much so that we are now on the verge of entirely giving it up.
12
You’ve nailed it. But, if Trump hears about this he just may offer you a job as a carpenter.
8
Dear Gail: I'm interested in becoming a golf caddy in the southern Florida area. I'm available about 50 weekends a year, with ability to work extra as required.
Know of anything? Thanks.
11
I would never qualify for a job in the WH.
I am sane.
13
Trump is just the hiring manager. If you pass there, it gets kicked upstairs to the Kremlin. Ask Mitt Romney how that goes.
13
I'm wealthy beyond all belief, believe me, and I think Trump is the greatest of all the stable geniuses. So, when what job do I get? And when do I start?
The late Stephen Hawking called Trump a "demagogue" and thought he was a complete idiot. But what did he know? He was just all about space and black holes, and things you can't see. Trump is about real things, like making all the money you can no matter how it effects anyone or anything else. Trump doesn't believe in black holes, unless you're referring to that boondoggle he's been yearning to build in Moscow.
Once Trump makes peace with L'il Rocket Man (just joking), wins the Nobel the hard way (not given to him, like that dastardly Obama got his), he can finally reveal himself to be an agent of FSB and of course he colluded. How else do you think Trump got to the White House?
But of course the collusion thing will be no surprise. The real surprise would be if Mueller finds no collusion between Trump and Russia. No worries, he will. The abundance of riches Mueller has before him will astound. And that's what we who have been against Trump's presidency since June 2015 are waiting for. The cancellation of the worse Reality TV president ever. Be assured, it will bring Trump the biggest numbers he's ever had.
DD
Manhattan
11
Dear Career Counselor,
At the age of three I began building living room forts out of couch cushions and blankies. I graduated to building a really cool treehouse, AND a board and brick bookcase to separate my bed from my sister's who still wets it, gets an allowance without doing any chores, and is a drug addict daily injecting herself with insulin.
So, there you have it. I'm fully qualified to be construction manager of Trump's Wall. He can't go wrong hiring me because I flunked my one semester of Spanish and I hate tacos. Here's hoping you have an in with the dude in the round office.
15
It is quite fun to apply B.D. logic elsewhere:
Book reviewer: I hesitate to criticize your book in general because books are composed of individual letters, numbers, and punctuation.
NRA: I hesitate to criticize bump stocks in general because bump stocks are composed of individual bullets fired in rapid succession
7
Dear Gail,
I'm a failed businesswoman who owes a ton of money to the banks. No one will lend me money for my newest, probably hugely successful idea: training squirrels to fly spy planes over California to see who is helping the sea lions immigrate into our harbors illegally. As we all know sea lions are trying to take over all our marinas and California would be a great test case.
I think that I would do well as Secretary of State because I've been negotiating with the King of the Plankton to set up an early warning system. In fact I've been so successful that he granted me membership at the Slime Mold level.
What are my chances of becoming part of this bigly successful cabinet run by my favorite corrupt businessman Trump? Waiting on baited breath for your response.
If you need a suitable bribe to recommend me I can send you a pair of ruby slippers worn once by that slacker Dorothy Gale.
13
This is one of Gail's best yet !
Suggestion to Human Resources, The White House;
Why not send a HR rep from the White House out to some of the Federal Penitentiaries?
Clearly there would be numerous candidates with all the right qualifications to fill jobs. Think of what a great PR coup this could be in putting ex-cons back to work.
6
Dear Teacher,
Thank you making my day! Remember that old commercial about the shoe people now deciding to make spaghetti sauce?
DeVos obviously has far less knowledge than the average teacher. Anyone in DeVos' position should have been a teacher, also obviously.
9
Fox is the entry level hirer. After a short stint, anyone can move on to the White House, for the president or for the first lady.
10
Dear Career Counselor:
I have hopes and dreams of becoming someone who matters to the White House. I am a young-ish grandmother with a special-needs grandchild, a daughter who works in the public schools system's early-intervention program to help all kids succeed, a son whose job does not offer health care for him and his family, and a daughter who is a newly-minted pediatrician married to a newly minted endocrinologist who works at the VA.
I would appreciate your advice about how to matter to the Trump Family Dynasty. I don't have money, my husband is retiring soon (and we will need his pension, SS checks and Medicare to eat, etc.), we help our kids with daycare so they can save a little of the astronomical fees they'd otherwise be charged, we own a house (well, almost), we volunteer to help those less fortunate than we are, we pray when we remember to do so, and there are no inheritances in our future.
What might help us get the Dynasty's attention? Should we place ourselves in the line of fire at a school? Should we sell everything, ditch the kids, and make a stab at becoming a Dynasty Donor? Should we try to reach them by obsequious Tweet? Or how about a disparaging Tweet?
We await your advice. We just want a nod -- something to let us know that we're still part of this country. Thank you for your time!
124
My wife once had a dream that during a small party at our house our cat leaned over to her and said, "when are these people going to leave?"
This is how I feel now.
22
It used to be such an honor to work at the White House. Can you imagine going there to work every day? Going into that majestic house where Abraham Lincoln and FDR and JFK lived and guided our country through tough times and good times? I know I would think it just an unbelievably wonderful experience.
But these people are all vulgarians, sycophantic, babysitting vulgarians, trying to contain the Chief Vulgarian and they bring dishonor daily to our White House.
Remember the Russians laughing in our White House? That was a very disturbing moment.
Imagine being Sarah Huckabee Sanders and being paid to obfuscate and lie every single day from the press podium, bringing shame and dishonor to that important role. Imagine always playing to an audience of one and having to lie constantly to please that one.
So sad how deeply these barbarians have damaged our country. Our White House is our emblem, 'our' house. It is not their's. But yet they are defiling it on a daily, hourly basis.
We must stymie this president in November, we must wrap him up tight so he cannot do any more damage. We must shove these liars out of our White House.
16
Dear Career Counselor,
So far My life is a serial catalogue of venal sins, occasional lapses of personal integrity, minor betrayals of friends and family as well as repeated but temporary forays into various indulgences: sloth, gluttony, pride, avarice, lust—you know, the usual, along with the concomitant periods of remorse and the determination to do better.
But lately I’ve felt the overwhelming desire to enter the larger of arena of genuinely corrupt and contemptible behavior. For reasons that I can only guess at, this impulse has been particularly strong for the last, oh, twenty-four months or so. I am convinced that a position in the present administration in Washington is the one place where I can make my mark and would greatly appreciate your help. Of coourse it goes without saying (and I’d deny saying it anyway) that I would be willing to bend any rule, violate any confidence, betray any principle and happily suborn perjury in recompense should you ever need me to do so.
Is there some anonymous dark corner of the soul where we might in private to discuss this matter further?
Sincerely (yeah, right),
Everyman
7
Dear Counselor: I'll take Ireland--gladly. Or Iceland--I can even pronounce EyjafjaÞlajökulł. Wouldn't mind getting into hot water.
6
Advice to anyone looking for a job in the White House:
1. Have a thick skin because you'll find yourself being ridiculed and lambasted by the Tweeter-in-Chief.
2. Don't keep notes lest someone, maybe Mueller or another judge, ask you for that as part of an ongoing investigation.
3. Closely related to the previous point, not keeping notes allows you to say "I don't recall" in response to any question, including your name.
4. Be prepared to be let go via a tweet or carried out by White House security or resign by yourself in about 3 - 6 months.
And the payoff - a nice cushy job in the next Trump campaign, or with the NRA, or Papa Johns, or Hobby Lobby or any one of the many places that'll snap you up right from the exit gate of the White House.
1
Dear Career Counselor, hey I want to jump into the Trump Job Pool! Have heard the intake is bigly sewage. Is this true?
Dear Career Counselor, I defiantly qualify for any jobs available in the Trump administration. How can I get an interview to be Ambassador to the Vatican or to South Korea? Either place would suit me to the moon and back!
Dear Career Counselor, I saw your blog in the "Fake News" tonight! That red jobs jobs jobs cap on President Trump's desk looks neat! Can I buy it. I got fi' dollah!
Dear Career Counselor, can I work for Ben Carson and Mrs. Carson? Seems they need someone to help them buy neat furniture for their HUD office! I could get a real fine dining-room set for under $30,000!
Dear Career Counselor, what kinda jobs you offering? I promise to do any job in President Trump's White House you offer me! Mainly, I don't lie and make promises like he do.
7
The Trump HR Dept. has done an excellent job of replacing some of the country's more colorful, grotesque characters who have faded into history. They did it all in one year.
They hired Betsy Devos to replace Sarah Palin, Kellyanne Conway for Michelle Bachman and Steve Bannon to take Joe McCarthy's place. Then there's Ben Carson and Rick Perry to replace Ben Carson and Rick Perry.
One of their best hires was Neil Gorsuch to replace Antonin Scalia and give Clarence Thomas someone to talk to..
Can't read, write, plagued by bankruptcies, sexual abuse accusations, have a tender spot for Putin ? Don't despair, this administration needs you !!
121
A minor detail.
Even though he is not a Trump hire, Devin Nunes is a Trump lackey and also a good bet as the next Joseph McCarthy.
8
Along with "worst member of the President's cabinet," "Dear Career Counselor" deserves a long, recurring life. Bigly sad . . . but true. Thank you, Gail Collins.
5
You cannot read a biography of a President without concluding that all great Presidents have very deep benches--both experienced and educated individuals who pay attention to the details---they can implement. Trump's bench is both thin, inexperienced, uneducated, and pays attention to all the wrong details---ordering dining room tables or first class plane tickets. The greatness Trump so desperately craves will always remain illusive in White House staffed by the worse and the dumbest.
95
Elusive, too.
4
To work at the White house you need to be very smart but Trump confuses liying with being smart. You all also need to be strong but Trump thinks being a potty mouth bully shows strength. Above all you need to be very ethical but Trump (a Tartuf for modern times) equates morality with not getting caught.
So there you have it, the qualifications for working at the Trump White House is being good at lying, a dirty talking bully, and shelling out hush money to buy silence of misdeeds. Or to in other words be as degenerate as Trump himself.
10
Dear Counselor,
Can we please just fire the entire lot of them, beginning with the impostor in chief, and then just start all over again.
Maybe with a Constitutional Convention that would insure equitable representation in our government between the uber rich, the very stupid, and the rest of US who just want to raise kids and grandkids in a future that doesn't look like one of those dystopian Road Runner things.
Sincerely,
We the People
10
We haven't seen the end of Trump and Trumpismo yet. We don't know how ugly it will be, how damaging to the nation.
Only a crook or a fool would take a job with Trump now. The only "plan" that would make any sense is some sort of "grab and run," stunt: planning to get out before the collapse, get out with nothing sticking to you and dogging you (or worse ... putting you in jail).
The odds of pulling that off are what? You think they are better than zero?
Trump will be the political graveyard of lackeys, toadies, grifters, and sycophantic fools. He's also helping his family destroy themselves. Jared and Little Donnie will be lucky to stay out of jail.
4
Most of the time when you think, "Geez, *I* could do a better job" it is hyperbole. Just a way to criticize another's performance.
Right now? You're right. You could do better. But don't get all inflated ego over it. Trained monkeys are on the short list too. And Stormy Daniels, who may get that Ambassadorship that Grandma is pushing for.
In fact, given that having no qualification for the job is the main qualification for the job, we are all contenders. I have been considering having my retired husband apply. Can you get the pension if you only last a few months? Cycling though the White House could be a much better gig than welfare.
He's a smart numbers guy, very good with finances. I think he'd do well in Treasury, or taking Mulvaney's gig. He'd be excellent in the FTC job too or FCC or any of them really. AND.... he worked for company that has made most of its profit in the last decade or two from firing people, so he'd be able to handle working in an un-funded department, so empty you hear the crickets and the whistling wind in the hallways. Maybe the Consumer Financial Protection Board? That's a great work form home job!
Anyway, think about serving your country. We all of us have what it takes. I am personally looking at HHS. I've worked for a doctor the couple of years. Who better?
4
Can I submit my resume to head up Trump's 2020 campaign? I've got a fantastic song to kick it off.....Stormy Weather!
6
Thank you, Gail, just follow the money trail.
4
Help Wanted: Looking for "the best people" to board a sinking ship.
Must have no shame.
Candidates must provide own knee pads.
Please send resumes to The RMS Titanic 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Washington DC 20006.
15
To Whom It May Concern:
I recently had to give up my coveted position as head housekeeper in the Oval Office to return to my homeland. The pay was good, your generous US minimum wage, with perks like shares in Trump University. Now, they don't provide health insurance, but if you are healthy, you will be just fine! Also, the cz- -, I mean president, can be a little messy. You know...the usual greasy fingerprints on the desk and computer screen from those French fries and bits of onions, pickles, or bacon on the rug here and there. Let's see...oh, you won't need a security clearance either. If interested, please call or text me at... Oops, my service was recently cut off. How 'bout meeting me at that McDonald's on Pennsylvania Avenue at 1 PM this Saturday. I will be the one with the tri-colored, horizontal lined white, blue, and red babushka around my hair. See you then!
10
An assistant in charge of holding the president's pens? Is that a typo? As a matter of national security we really need someone to do that.
5
Good one, Christie.
But the image is ghastly.
3
Dear Career Counselor,
I know absolutely nothing about economics -- can't even make change. But I have a PhD in sycophantics and can cry on cue when glorifying our Dear Leader before a television camera. Should I apply for chief economic adviser to the president?
11
Again you have shown us truth is stranger than fiction, Ms. Collins. The course of the last odd year in Washington (and odd is the operant word here) would be thrown out of a Hollywood pitch meeting yet here we are.
6
Dear Career Counselor,
We just finished a few months of work at the White House. I have noticed that many of us, who used to work here, are handsome and tall. Do you think we could start our own reality TV show called, "Sadism and Smiles - All You Need to Know at the White House?"
Thanks,
Hope and Rob
16
I worked all my life in professional capacities, spent many years in corporate America and in regional and national law firms, and I have never seen an organization so rife with felons, sexual predators, abusers, financial frauds and other various scandals.
Oh, they exist in the private world, but I can count on one hand the number of true scandals that hit the various organizations for which I worked over a 45 year span.
On the other hand, one of the things I learned the hard way over the course of my careers, is that every organization has a culture, a shared way of doing business, a "personality", if you will, and that the tone and temper, and the quality of staff, definitely comes from the top.
The CEO or founding partner hires people they like, obviously because they have shared traits. Those people do the same, and after a while you have an organizational culture based on the personality of the top dog.
It's much like moving to a new place, and finding new friends. You meet someone you hit it off with, and chances are you will hit it off with their friends, and soon you have a circle of compatible friends. Same dynamic.
Here, the personality of the guy on top, Trump, has filtered throughout his administration. He has created a WH and government in his own image, and it is as stupid and entitled and ineffective and toxic - as ugly - as he is, inside and out.
24
If you are rich and have no qualifications, there is probably a job at the White House for you.It helps if you have appeared on Fox TV and are willing to praise the boss no matter what he does.Good luck, especially if you fail the background check which can take months- no domestic violence, no on line gambling and lying to the FBI is a no no.There must be an easier way to make a living that signing on to this train wreck.
7
I was a dopey janitor for a while. A very tough job. In some ways a very gratifying job. You clean a whole building, throw out the garbage and have a real sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately that lasts about ten seconds. As soon as you're finished someone walks into the building messes up the floor or throws out their own garbage and it all starts again. It took me about six months to realize that the way I threw out the garbage as a tenant was the exact way that annoyed me when a tenant in the building I worked did it that way. A valuable lesson that is hard to articulate. One really stressful downside is you're torn between the tenants and the owner of the building. Its a difficult terrain to navigate. Since everyone sees you as a "dopey janitor" and treats you that way. Or worse.
6
My father was in a coma. While I was mopping the floor, a tenant came up the stairs and said, “It's always dirtier when you finish.” She clearly was very pleased with her own cleverness. I glared at her. I was in too much pain to answer. Anytime I would see her afterwards I turned to ice.
I never before had any unpleasant feelings towards her. Seeing a familiar face I smiled. Maybe even hoping for a little sympathy. “How you doing?” “Not well. My father's in the hospital. He's in a coma.” “I’m very sorry to hear that.” Nothing more. Maybe not even that much. A nasty gratuitous comment was the last thing I needed. The violation was clearly greater than the intent. How would she know? It certainly would be a lousy thing to say under any circumstances. But under these circumstances the impact was not one she would have wanted.
A couple of weeks before while mopping the building I accidentally kicked over the bucket and all the dirty water cascaded down the stairs, floor after floor making a colossal mess. I cleaned everything up. But the floor was in fact dirtier than when I started.
I would never speak to her again. I would make way for her on the stairs, looking only at her feet as I continued to mop. But otherwise in no way acknowledge her. I think she may have made little conciliatory gestures towards me. Knowing myself, if she had said what she did at any other time I eventually would have let it go.
3
Isn't it fun when the cartoon depiction of the real world turns out to be less sarcastic than the reality it is trying to make fun of?
10
“As for the United States, it is 18th out of 156 countries surveyed — down four spots from last year’s report and five from 2016’s, and substantially below most comparably wealthy nations. Though the economy is generally strong and per capita income is high, it ranks poorly on social measures: Life expectancy has declined, suicide rates have risen, the opioid crisis has worsened, inequality has grown and confidence in government has fallen."
2018 World Happiness Report, NY Times Today
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/14/world/europe/worlds-happiest-countrie...®ion=bottom-well&WT.nav=bottom-well
“We gonna win so much you may even get tired of winning and you'll say please, please Mr. President, It's too much winning! We can't take it anymore!”
---- Donald Trump
So he was exactly right.
With him as President, we have gotten very sick and tired of winning.
7
So much so that we are now on the verge of entirely giving it up.
7
Bravo Gail! Thing is, I can't decide whether to laugh or cry.
5
Thank you, Ms. Collins, for the laughs. I don't get too many reading a newspaper these days.
4
Dear Career Counselor,
By way of introduction, I am an American with a birth certificate to prove it, and my Christening was apparently quite a splash with a wild Italian princess. Just as I was getting settled into Life in New York, my parent took off to Paris with her little gold Lamb here, leaving her son behind to go to college and become independent. Let me tell you, he never forgave her.
In 1970, I returned to become R. & F (Rich and Famous), my husband was a musician and I became economically responsible. You could live on a shoe-string in those days.
An international children's agency gave me a warm welcome, and after a security clearance of $600, I was stamped and approved. It was my French stepfather of Napoleonic descent who kindly gave a character reference, and he would think I was a proper fool for writing to the New York Times.
After a decade of hard work ending in The International Year of The Child, I was accidentally hired by an economist, credited for saving New York from bankruptcy, and he wanted to fire me for the next seventeen years, before he became our Representative to France.
A Globalist, I might be able to tell the President and this Administration to sit up straight and give them some politesse without the use of a gun. It is a beginning. However, after careful deliberation, it might be cause to tarnish a brilliant career by an Administration tainted beyond repair.
With appreciation for your time and trouble, I remain sincerely yours.
5
Fiction writer here. Short story about an old farmer's heroic attempt to save a young climber made it into the Saturday Evening Post's Best American Short Fiction a couple of years back. Always glad to blur the lines between fiction and non-fiction. Personally improved Hemingway's famous short story from six words to four;
For Sale; Baby shoes never worn.
For Free: Crying Baby.
How's that?
Can't do stand up comedy but can feed Sarah Sanders some good ones...
4
The most important qualification is to be able to lie - Trump admitted a bold face lie about Canada’s supposed trade surplus with the US - Trump admits the lie - and that he did not known the truth. Hope Hicks admits lying for Trump, Spicer admits lying. And Ms. h - Sanders? And Trump is the man that your fellow columnist believes deserves the Nobel Peace prize for talking with Korea. As for Pompeo - I expect he will go the way of Sessions if he does not state - “no collusion”!
5
Dear counselor: I used to be a kindergarden tescher, specializing in dealing with 5-year-olds temper tandrum, and taking away their toy cell phones without them screaming at me: you are fired. If the only-adult-in-the-room position is taken in the white house is not open, then I would like to be the secretary of education, since I had some experience.
4
Hey, Elizabeth Holmes might be a perfect fit. Obviously qualified. Can sell coal to Newcastle. And possibly a “10”.
3
So scary because it's so true.
4
Dear Career Counselor,
I am an interior decorator with extensive experience in staging large ships. After watching their recent personnel moves, I believe my expert experience in rearranging deck chairs will be an asset to this administration. I can even provide my own scuba gear.
Sincerely, M.Brown
8
Love that last line! That's why I read Ms. Collins every chance.
5
The mention of the Secretary of Education gave me a thought. Didn't Betsy DeVos win your first poll as the worst member of the Trump Administration? In your last poll, she wasn't even a runner up. Do you think she went on the 60 Minutes interview to reclaim the title?
14
Dear Career Counselor,
Do you think I can get the job of President of the United States? I never thought I would be qualified, but hey the bar is quite low. Also I know a lot more American history than the current guy, like who was the worst president before now, Buchanan. Couldn't we just confine him at Margo a La La and send Pence off on a mission to convert the rest of the world to Evangelical Christianity? Wow wouldn't that be great and everyone would be happy. I quickly would find an ambassador to South Korea. I just don't have the money to actually run so this would be great. Come in the back door and not insult the White House as being not Trump Tower draped in gold, I prefer silver myself. In closing I might add that in my high school yearbook I was predicted to be the first woman president. Now that Hillary is out of the way...Just sign me waiting in the wings in North Carolina (can't wait to get out of here despite my love of basketball).
AMP
10
This made my day. What a clever, hilarious read! Many thanks Gail.
5
The only thing a career counselor ever did for me was expound detached and tangential tirades about my life's trajectory while pretending to be personable. Most days he had me confused with a different person anyway. So I guess my question is this: How does one get paid for faking expertise without joining the White House? That would be useful information.
3
A good career background for a White House job would be as a low level laborer at a circus: the guy who followed the elephants around to clean up the mess they made.
9
Dear Career Counselor,
I'm a former US Air Force officer looking for a government job. I've been married to just one woman in my lifetime and have, to the best of my knowledge, never cheated on her (I think I'd know). I'm also very active in my church.
Unfortunately, I've recently been told by a fellow Pennsylvanian that I hate both my country and God. Should I even bother applying?
Best regards,
A patriotic, moral, but confused guy.
9
I would like to suggest that I could be Cybersecurity Czar (would they like that word?). I have spent much recent time in my basement observing the multiplying dangers of the World Wide Web. There is a picture in which the president appears to pull colored handkerchiefs out of his nose. I had to examine them all to determine their inauthenticity. Then I saw a video in which the president says let's give guns to teachers. Mercy! These things need to be stopped at their source before they undermine his reputation. If we can move my computer from my basement to his, I can continue the work I’ve started.
Thank you for your consideration,
Ernest Woodhouse
P.S. My daughters just convinced me to stop using Internet Explorer, since that browser has the most viruses on it. So if I get offered the job via tweet, I will still see it, right?
3
I think you left out how to get the post-firing next job: either smuggle in a phone or take immediate notes about the conversations you've overheard so that they need you to keep quiet after they've had to cede to some semblance of reality and ditch your unqualified, er, assets.
2
I would apply for John McEntee's old job as personal assistant to the president.
Not only could I supply pens, I could print cue cards like the ones the chief was televised holding in his hands while talking with the grieved high-school students, like "I hear you." He would never be at a loss for words and no one would ever doubt his sincerity.
4
Many great applicants here, but might I suggest that what the White House needs is a Cat? Not an indiscriminately affectionate dog, but a self-sufficient, complicit cat, one that keeps its messes securely in the litter box! Nominations are open!
3
I was just reading another NYT about McCabe and thought that everybody had forgotten about McEntee, with so many more higher-up firings and criminal investigations. To be criminally investigated may not be a requirement for Trump hiring but it seems to help.
Please keep in mind that there will be some more job openings in the executive branch, including chief of staff, some of the Secretaries of State (I refer to the one Kushner holds now) and maybe we will see a reality show to find a younger first lady.
2
Dear Career Counselor,
I’d like to apply for the job of “liaison officer” between Emmanuel Macron and Donald Trump for help in the orgnization of a military parade like that for Bastille Day. Making this “Trump dream” come true is my dearest wish and I believe could go a long way in reestablishing “l’entente cordiale” between our two countries, somewhat tarnished of late since our departure from the Paris Climate Accords.
My qualifications include pretty good French and despite being a few years older than Brigitte Macron, like her (as the president flirtatiously pointed out last summer) I am in (reasonably) “good shape.” I would also charge considerably less for my services than Stephanie Wolkoff Winston.
As I feel sure you will you will look favorably upon my application, I have taken the liberty of approaching Macron’s communications officer and he has has already come up with some great ideas. His suggestion that Trump should head the parade in a golf cart while the leaders of the G7 countries walk behind is the best so far.
I hope you will pass my application on to the Oval Office ASAP as time is of the essence and we wouldn’t want Mueller to rain on Trump’s parade.
À bientôt,
Hopeful in Paris
6
I swear I would have better luck with a dart board.
3
Ah, yes, Betsy "Amway Goddess" DeVos. The Supreme Court bestowed upon the good people (meaning, the donor class--certainly not you and me) the concept that money is speech, codified in the Citizens United decision.
Next up at SCOTUS: Money is now Education. No more books to read, math equations to solve, or Civics lessons to nap through. "School Choice" now means, "Choose your parents wisely."
6
I'm not rich, never owned a bank or laundered money. I love to nap.
4
The primary requirements in working in Trump's WHITEhouse is a lack of character; a lack of morality,; a lack of experience; a lack of critical thinking ability; greed.
3
The main qualification for jobs with the Trump administration is being incompetent and unqualified for the position. Not believing in the mission of your department is a plus also- see Rick Perry, Scott Pruitt, and others. As this administration continues to spiral down the drain, getting even competent workers will be more challenging every day.
The job for the resistance will be to help Americans understand that we can have a competent government that works for us all, but never with this shady bunch in charge.
2
This is an administration that is headed by a guy who said at a recently fundraiser that he just “made up stuff” he said to the Canadian Prime Minister. So, it’s clear that from top down you don’t need to know a thing: it’s make it up as you go along 24/7.
6
Since I once was a student, myself, I appreciate Betsy DeVos's astuteness in noting that schools are made up of individual students.
How many leaders of great nations would have had the courage -- the brilliant originality and chutzpah -- to hire such a person who, without a whit of knowledge or awareness of the world around her, immediately puts her finger on the key to fixing what's wrong with public education in the U.S.?
5
Dear Career Counselor,
I'm honest. I love our country. I also love God. I prefer a comfortable income but do not long for super wealth. I seek a job in public service where I can design and enact policies that benefit the many, providing justice and dignity for all.
I'm willing to work hard to prove myself during the application process, but prefer a scenario where acceptance for all respectable, energetic applicants is nearly guaranteed.
What deep red Congressional District should I move to in order to run as a Democrat?
- Patriotic American
7
Dear Career Counselor,
I have an idea for a new Executive Position, directly attached to the Oval Office. The Procurer. Anticipating and fulfilling the personal needs of the Presidential Apprentice, with upmost efficiency and discretion. NDAs will be negotiable, and expensive. I'm willing, and available. Very experienced.
Thanks for your consideration,
STORMY.
7
People who work or have worked in Trump's administration will soon be like the people who voted for Richard Nixon. They all disappeared, never to be seen again.
4
Mr. President, I don't know about America but I promise to make you feel great again.
Have Mr. Cohen send the necessary forms and a $150,000. Cash.
2
Dear Career Counselor,
I dearly want to contribute to our country's greatness and have been thinking that I might qualify for a position in the Department of the Interior.
I have visited Yellowstone National Park where I saw serveral buffalo. And at the Grand Canyon I got to see real Indians. Furthermore, my brother-in-law makes his living in the oil business and thinks that we should drill for petroleum in all National Parks and Monuments. And he also thinks that the Spotted Owl should be eradicated.
I know that I am perhaps a bit over qualified for a position. Nevertheless, the Administration is doing so much good for our country that I want to be a part. What do you think?
5
If you are seriously interested in joining the Trump Troop, Gail, please say so. I'd be happy to right you are glowing letter of recommendation. You've got the left stuff, girl, and would be a fine addition to the Trump Troop, giving them insights into how a progressive thinks and can't think.
That's what's missing in today's high-powered, non-working politics.
4
Miss Gail Collins
What about creating a task force to deal with the threat number one in our schools according to the Secretary of Education: the grisly bear. To be the head of that task force what will be the necessary qualification?
5
We were jawboning before a university committee meeting the other day that some of the international policy, science policy, and economic policy aligned folks in the room should send our CVs into the administration in time for summer break. We’d all get leave of absences for the summer if hired, flop in a shared house in Reston or the like, take in 3 months of pay, and try to fix as much damage as possible. We figured it would take about 2 months to figure out that we were honest on our CVs and applications that we were highly educated, deeply experienced in our fields, and dedicated public servants before we got canned after a month of hemming and hawing. That’d put us back in time for the fall term. Think of it as a part time Justice League for nerds. Who is with us?
5
Dear Career Counselor,
I am highly educated but have had a few run-ins with the law. I believe my resume is strong enough to have a position in the White House, but the conditions of my parole say that if I associate with any felons or if I am even tangentially involved in any criminal wrongdoing or false statements, I will have to serve out my original 10 year sentence. Do you think I can safely serve in the Trump administration? Perhaps if I serve well, Trump will vouch for me if there are any misunderstandings?
Answer: The answer to both questions is absolutely not. The only context in which you should be anywhere NEAR the Trump administration is as a paid informant.
4
Let's not forget that Johnny Mac made $115,000 a year as the official Sharpie toter for Trump. His qualifications? He could throw a football and knock a book out of a friend's hand from 30 yards away. (Needless to say, he never had the opportunity to try out that trick with the president.)
One hundred fifteen thousand dollars is a lot of (taxpayer) money. But he also had to hang out and chat with the Trump every day. So he was probably underpaid.
54
Sorry, the Wall Street Journal also reported that McEntee's duties included ensuring that the White House clocks "were adjusted . . . for daylight savings time." So there was math involved, making him eminently more qualified for his position than Betsy DeVos is for hers.
41
Great column, Ms Collins, thank you
1
Dear Career Counsellor,
I have done my research. It appears that the best way to get a job in this White House is to hold forth on Fox "News" with a great and certain air of authority batting aside all facts that contradict strongly held opinions.
So, I recognize that first I must get a job on Fox and get on there often no matter how little I know about whatever subject is being "discussed".
How do I get on Fox? What do I need to do to highlight my ignorance about subjects for which I have unwavering strong opinions? Should I hire that communications major as my agent?
87
Dear Lynn,
Assuming you're female ("Lynn" is as popular as "Bob" among millennial male babies. Or so I've been told), you can skip the added expense of hiring an agent. All you need to do is pull out your senior prom dress, apply two pounds of makeup, and show up on the set of Fox and Friends. Just be sure your dress is short enough to show plenty of ideological leg. Hemming it up to 6" length is considered perfectly appropriate, if not de rigeur.
6
After all the years, decades and centuries of pretending to be an organized government, it is far past time that we have one that flies by the seat of it pants and is honest about it. All of America is an experiment and American government has tried to operate like a professional, experienced entity for far too long. America is known as a raucous, unorganized or disorganized and now finally a dysfunctional nation. It took two centuries for America to develop this way and this character.
President Trump has only been in office for a little over a year and has accomplished a lot in bringing the reality of government to the American People and to the World. Nothing goes perfectly on any given day in any given business. Mr. Trump is one President who is finally not afraid to pull back the curtain and show us that.
Americans were sick and tired of all the faux Obama polish and all the shiny veneer of all the Presidents that came before Mr. Trump; we voted for him because we recognized him as a day to day realist like ourselves. We have no expectation of any given day in lives going well and we recognized that in Mr. Trump in the run up to the Election. Mr. Trump is the President for our lives and times and he will gradually over four years bring some of the chaos of America to a halt and turn things around.
Neither Rome nor America was or has been built in a day. Mr. Trump, as builder, knows this firsthand. A lot of prep work is going into his first years as President.
9
If I knew this was meant to be funny I would smile.
If I knew this was meant to be serious I would cry.
4
Dear Reggie
The only "Fly in your (President Trump has only been in office for a little over a year and has accomplished a lot in bringing the reality of government to the American People and to the World. Nothing goes perfectly on any given day in any given business. Mr. Trump is one President who is finally not afraid to pull back the curtain and show us that) ointment" is that while yes, things are not always run as well or come out as intended as they often did during the Obama Presidency, they are also not built to be mood driven by a 5 year old's sugar level , nor is the dog to be '"given enough leash" to bite the Neighbor's kid.
Wouldn't life be so much more less stressed without the daily kangaroo-court session? We might actually get back to problem solving vs. problem genesis.
By the time this infant in charge is done (4 years or shorter), he may have succeeded in poisoning every well and blown up every bridge that Society depends on, and that's not a good thing.
Trump is not a "Realist", he is a fictional game show host and a science-fair project at what would happen if we made a poodle president for a term?
So far, the results have been stunning, and not in a good way.
8
Democracy is messy which is why we need leaders who have character, integrity, and a moral compass. Our political leaders are human which means they're flawed like the rest us, but can they at least have a conscience? I look at this administraton and all I see are soulless individuals; how do they sleep at night?
4
The thing about sarcasm is that it doesn't work really when things ARE THIS TRUE.
And SAD.
51
But it's good for a laugh.
2
Dear Career Counselor,
I hear there are lots of vacancies in the Trump Administration and I'm an honors student at an Ivy League college majoring in History and Government. There's only one problem, I have a lot of student debt and can't afford a lawyer. Do you think I should apply?
- Cynthia at Harvard
Dear Cynthia,
No.
26
I am a veteran of the U.S. Army, having been drafted and serving during an time when rich kids were getting questionable deferments. I then spent many years working in the financial services industry, and never once declared bankruptcy. While I would love a government job, with my healthcare and salary provided by taxpayers, I'm afraid that I wouldn't qualify, as I know right from wrong and have a functioning moral compass. Also, I'm not rich, nor were my parents. Maybe there's an opening at the Times?
73
Do you think Trump's bone spurs (which prevented him from being a soldier in Vietnam) were because his daddy was rich? Surely our courageous president would not have been like those rich kids who dodged military service?
3
In addition to "A father-in-law worth $5.4 billion" has she not got a brother who is head of a mercenary army and seems to have done some fairly shady stuff for Trump with the Russians in the Seychelles?
91
Absolutely the work of a genius guidance counselor at the high school/college level...or even elementary, these days. One think, though, that janitor the students says is standing around looking dopey? may be the school resource officer in plain clothes....and, by the way, if grads want to become a teacher, they may have to learn to "pack heat" along with Piaget's Stages of Development/Learning....DeVoss could market the text book on that subject...
9
After 40 years working most of them in management I have seen this story before, an insecure manager surrounding himself with unqualified inferior people because he can't stand the idea that any of his subordinates knowing more or having skills he is lacking. This never turns out well for anyone. What's so funny is as the manager your job is not to know everything but to build a team that does. I always find it astonishing that this simple fact is lost on so many people.
I guess I was lucky and had some good examples to follow. I remember a lunch conversation with a CEO I reported too and telling him I was worried that I could not keep with all the new computer skills I thought I needed. He laughed and said hey I'm the CEO and I can barely do email, he then said hire and surround yourself with people who have what you lack and you will do fine. Still remember that conversation and he was right I have.
249
Chris,
Trump is no middle manager. He is the CEO, and the way he sees it is that the people he hires are there to further his agenda, which is all about expanding business opportunities for people such as himself, and paying as little taxes as possible. I think he sees himself as a genius at marketing this agenda to the working class, and rightly so. He has succeeded where other Republicans have failed, perhaps because he is genuinely ignorant of and unconcerned with the consequences of his actions on others.
So the question then becomes, if your core mission is never to let gov't get in the way of making a profit, what kind of people are best suited to furthering that mission? Think about it. What kind of people would you hire if your goal was to drive home that gov't is the problem, not the solution?
6
This works especially well if you're a man. Which most CEOs are.
1
Chris, I once worked in a place like that. I got out as fast as I could. It never ends well.
2
One other requirement for any cabinet position: absolutely no knowledge about the 25th Amendment.
38
So funny, so true, so sad. We're living in reality TV world!
24
Ms. Collins surely puts a needed humorous spin on this train wreck of an administration. I watch this administration and sometimes I think I am in Fredonia with the Marx Brothers. Other times I think I am watching any of the Three Stooges movies. But I have never even once thought that I was watching competent adults. Those kind of people are hounded out pretty quickly. Were it the other way around.
54
All I want to know, is if Rex signed a NDA...
43
Republicans often campaign on the platform that the government can't do anything right. And then they get elected and prove themselves right.
131
Janitorial service persons greatly needed to work for the current Trump Administration in the White House and the adjacent East and West Wing administrative offices.
There is more than one mess to clean up after and the need is on an ongoing basis.
All uniforms and necessary supplies provided.
21
I just wish we had done a better job in keeping Trump from the presidency, but we didn't. Have we learned anything yet? I'll go first: I've learned not to take anything for granted, ever. But I've also learned never to give up hope.
46
Kudos to each and every one of you who wrote (and are still writing) such inspired humor to the Career Counselor. Sadly, at the end it is still gallows humor until the ultimate change is made. Begin in November, 1018!
25
Dear Career Counselor,
I have not had an affair with Donald Trump. However, unlike Stormy Daniels, who is also said to have not had an affair, I have not yet received my $130,000.
How can I move this process along and be paid for what I didn't do?
232
With Trumps ego I have a feeling the $130K was not to deny an affair, it was to not divulge ugly details.
5
Dear Chanzo,
It is very important that you find a Trump lawyer who you can promise not to discuss what didn't happen. Then he will pay you $129,000. (The other $1,000 he just gave to a homeless man outside Starbucks, because, well, Trump's lawyers are just giving people).
4
I thought the job requirements were limited to unlimited public fawning over the incumbent? Did I miss the tweet that expanded the requirements?
46
Amazing column, everything is covered in an entertaining and thought provoking way. Thanks, Gail!
28
BREAKING NEWS:
Unemployment numbers released today show an historic spike.
Analysts say that the majority of those newly entering the unemployment rolls were former members of the White House staff.
Analysts predict that the trend will continue unabated and perhaps increase once Robert Mueller completes his investigation.
204
If Congress stays Republican no findings by Mueller will make any difference.
2
Sadly, it is highly unlikely that any of these people will find employment in the future.
Dear Gail--
As you may have heard from Betsy DeVos, America's schools are failing, or at least that's what she's heard. So I probably haven't learned much history. But is it true that the USA was once a great global power, respected around the world? That the men and women (the few that were there) in Congress were honest, forthright, noble, decent, and patriots? That the Supreme Court featured justices who cared for individuals more than corporations? And there was a separation of church and state, we managed to respect one another, regardless of religion, country of origin, color or creed? And this nation was governed by principles, not lobbyists or greed? Is that true? And if so, what happened? And is it true that presidents never insulted people?
Will this be on the test? Wikipedia has not been helpful and Ms. DeVos seems very, very contused. And so am I. Please help.
Thank you for helping answer my questions.
58
Coco Pazzo, you have surpassed Mrs. Malaprop herself!
"Ms. DeVos seems very, very contused." indeed.
2
"Grinning like an idiot"... "Schools are made up of individual students" -- I love it.
And secretaries of education should bring half a brain to the job.
I love the concept of failing upward. You know, if Paul Manafort hadn't been indicted, and reduced to house arrest, I have no doubts he'd be slotted back into what passes for an administration, somewhere somehow.
Last night I heard pundits say, with some solemnity, that right now working at the White House is totally "toxic." So, to all you aspiring applicants, remember this: just because you have no talent or qualifications or character traits that would predict success in government, doesn't mean you can't get a job there.
But, in your heart of hearts, do you really want it?
At some point, serving this administration just becomes a hole in your resume, because as Grouch Marx said, "I wouldn't want to be in any club that would have me."
82
Odd that McEntee would have failed a security clearance for “financial issues involving gambling and taxes”. After all, the president himself has spent a life in high-stake gambling efforts, not all of them winning runs, even if some of them were ABOUT casinos yet not quite IN them. We might have cut the kid a break, if he promised to pay the IRS back at $100 per month for the rest of his life.
Dear Career Counselor,
I’m wondering if a White House position might serve as genteel transition to retirement. I have a very impressive résumé: until January of 2011 I exercised real power as our first female speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. I have the honor to be the primary reason a recently (and barely – maybe) elected member of my own party in PA won a meaningless by-election because he wants me to retire. But I’d be very good at toting pens for the president, as legislative liaison for a president who doesn’t really want to accomplish anything legislatively, or I could help Ivanka appraise really good pearls for her branded collection.
Do you think I’m over-qualified?
— Generation Zero.
Dear Generation Zero,
No … but the president might not be quite ready for you, unless for use as an office piñata, just to show that he really does love Mexicans.
Instead, you might consider retiring, dressing in rags and not bathing for a month, then standing on San Francisco corners and haranguing passerby on the benefits of hiding illegal aliens from ICE in their basements.
14
Dear Ramsey Rick:
Please stop trying to be funny. Humor has a distinct liberal bias, as does truth, justice and the American way.
Anyone who, at this late date, still thinks Trump is not a disgrace to our nation, is either delusional, or only concerned with his or her net worth.
Tuesday's election in Pennsylvania is a harbinger of things to come this November.
The only way you are "funny" is in the Joe Pesci way of being funny.
Now please be a "Goodfellow" and go get your shine box.
264
Is there such a thing as "humor" plagiarism? If there is, Mr. L's attempt at humor is the perfect example.
29
After Nov. 6, Nancy P will be 3rd in line to be president, after Trump and Pence. She may be able to move up after the impeachment and conviction of #1 and #2.
22
One town in California ran a dog for mayor. The dog won and served his term out with honor. All services were delivered on time. Nobody died. The dog was always polite and courteous with constituents, well-behaved, efficient, and fulfilled his official duties earning distinction and respect even from countries known to eat his fellows. I nominate this dog for a role in the Trump administration!
152
Come on... That dog sounds way too qualified to work in the White House, unless he shares a lot of DNA with Trump, which is not entirely impossible.
5
"I nominate this dog for a role in the Trump administration!"
Won't work. Trump hates animals almost as much as they hate him and voters might be charged with animal cruelty for sending a dog to the Trump White House.
However voters in SC have a desperate need for good candidates, for governor and on the federal level so please send the dog here.
4
Oh please no! Dogs are faithful, big hearted and loyal. They would rather sit by a friend in trouble and look up at him with understanding, soulful eyes. When dogs transgress, they exhibit shame. If anyone can destroy a dog, it is the Trump administration. Please, let us not run that experiment!
5
One qualification for a job with Trump is to spend way more money than you have while cutting benefits to the poor and disabled. Heck, I could pick out a 31,000 dollar dining room table for HUD, or a 139,000 dollar door for the Interior Department or fly in First Class for the EPA or use a military jet to take my spouse to see the eclipse for the treasury department. Double Heck, I could spend 3 million a weekend to play golf at Mar-a-Lago or 68,000 like Melania did when she used a military jet to visit the spa at Mar-a-Lago. I guess there are no spas in D.C.
The only qualification to work in the White House is to spend enormous amounts of taxpayer money to have fun or buy furniture. I think I could do that. No, wait a minute, I don't qualify. I have a moral compass.
707
"failing forward" - Gail Collins has a wonderful way with words. It reminded me that earlier today I was playing with another Republican specialty.
How about abstinence only politics. I suggest we abstain from Trump, his kleptocratic buddies, his enablers, and the punters, the people who fall for his cons.
Let's abstain from helping the looters and exploiters. Let's abstain from fake skepticism about climate and environmental facts. Let's abstain from enabling vote cheating, gerrymandering, intimidation, suppression, and dishonest tactics like crosscheck. Come to think of it, crosscheck is like a leaky condom. Let's abstain from putting those "uppity" people in prison. Let's abstain from thinking everybody needs high-powered rapidfire killing machines.
I could go on, but I can see that turning the oppositions' memes on their heads, and eating their lunch, is something humanitarians have been too conscientious to do, and it's about time we turned their falsehoods on their heads and found the truth again.
78
Do I want to dive into the Trump Job Pool? Lol! Good grief, No!!
It’s not a job pool! It’s actually Trump’s septic tank. Get the right mixture of gasbags in that septic tank and it’ll explode throwing shade and human loss across a wide area.
Unfortunately, that explosion is exactly what Trump wants… a war because Trump buys into the myth that “war presidents” get elected to second terms. His septic tank cabinet will likely pick the autumn of 2019, to explode a war.
Ultimately, Trump will be destroyed by all his own septic tank contents, contents made in his own image.
136
You're correct about the "war Presidents" obsession and Trump. He is just itching to attack Iran, which would be a complete disaster. And egomaniac that he is, Trump would probably think it could be easily won and then win him a second term. This is what I find most frightening about this president.
It confounds me that 35-40% of voters still support this man when he poses such a clear and unthinkable danger to the US and the world.
183
It just came to me: at some 30% or so of this country are, or aspire to be like him. I’m no statistician, but that’s the only way to account for this sad and depressing state of affair.
12
They don't have children in the military but have stock in military suppliers. I saw a truck yesterday with a Marine sticker and disabled Vietnam Vet tags...also a Trump MAGA sticker. Guess he couldn't catch a dose of the bone spurs!
3
White House Employment Questionnaire
(Please leave your resume with the receptionist; it should be no longer than 1 page)
True or False:
I am familiar with ethics.
I am familiar with morals.
I read at least one book a year.
I am not a good liar.
There are some things I won't do.
If you answered "True" to any of these statements, you do not meet our criteria.
If you answered "False" to all statements, please continue to the Human Resources department.
320
Except for "I am not a good liar." Trump himself is a lousy liar. You have to be extremely naive to believe anything he says.
The absurdity is in the sheer audacity of the failure! All the "really great" people Trump touted didn't amount to cardboard cutouts! Great and scant and corrupt and special interest have interchangeable meanings in the Trump House, which breaks down barriers separating various criminal and ethical acts, transforming the mosiac of America into a wasteland of wealth, not a dilemma but a paradox built from denial. A blind mule could sense the madness, its psychosis, derangement, hysteria, despite headlines that say Trump is taking control. He is simply slipping further into darkness, dependent upon the bright spots before his eyes. Dependent his rudimentary impulses and the devices of shadows that isolate his acts from logic or consequences, from evidence or proof.
His is ego without enthusiasm, only obsessiveness. His is an America divided. His are blame-claims and harsh insults at slights, the political benefits of grief, the power trips of vacations, a cabinet of thieves and knaves. Reprehensibly carving America into corporate fiefdoms and a military show of might to protect the rich.
There is a new pool of applicants for public positions, thousands across the country who are young and bright. They are eager to serve, but first they want to finish important old business. Once they have cleared the decks, and put in new processes, they will be ready to serve. They are the light of the future. They see justice as opportunity, not as punishment. They build, not go bankrupt.
75
I know some of these lovely young people, Mr. Rhett, and they really won't work for this administration. They are indeed the light of the future, as you so hopefully describe them, but we need to get these guys out of there. They're not going to work, these idealists, for Betsy DeVos or Ben Carson or Pompeo. So we have to wait.
60
To all, thanks!
Martha, you are right! "They see justice as opportunity, not as punishment. They build, not go bankrupt." They speak--and are not silenced by political payoffs!
15
Clever column, but this isn't funny. It's – sad.
47
Let us lighten up, Howard, We are not all going to share The Boat of Despondency as One, but We can take it in turn.
2
There are a few disqualifications: no Dreamers or undocumented immigrants (unless you are a model from a former Eastern European country). Probably best not be Muslim or Mexican. If you are Jewish, it helps to be a family member or from Goldman Sachs. If you are African-American, pretend you are back in the pre-civil rights era. Woman: better be a bully, beautiful, a brown nose, or filthy rich. Or favored daughter. Unfavored daughters need not apply. Remember, the man who thinks he is starring in a reality show called Mr. President is always right even when he contradicts himself three times in one day. So if you are white (white nationalist even better), Christian (evangelical even better), moderate IQ but enjoy or possess the trappings of wealth, go for it. There are plenty of vacancies in this funhouse of an administration.
For all you Mexicans, Muslims, African-Americans, non-connected Jews, women outside the narrow band that is permissible, and US citizens that still have faith in democracy, your time would be better spent working for NGOs, social movements, grassroots organizations, political parties, human and civil rights groups, newspapers, social media organizations, political campaigns, healthcare advocacy groups, environmental organizations, businesses and churches that are committed to preventing the breakdown of democracy in your country. The US retreat from democracy affects every citizen in every country. But only US citizens can vote.
342
About Slovenia being a “former Eastern European country...”
“Slovenia is a small country in Central Europe, but contains within its borders Alpine mountains, thick forests, historic cities and a short Adriatic coastline.”
And it’s a member of the EU.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-17846376
The president of Slovenia Borut Pahor and 2 million citizens would be saddened that their country was dismissed by a comment in the NYT.
1
Dear Career Counselor
I'm a record setting retired businessman with a LOT of time on my hands. As a fellow New Yorker richer on paper than in reality, I'm just the type of guy Trump can relate too. I'm looking for a position that can leverage my background in finance and fiction writing. Secretary of Treasury would be perfect and I'm much better at operating under the radar than Steve Mnuchin. Tax plan adds a trillion dollars to deficit? Give me a month with the books and we'll have a surplus. Jared under water with 666 Fifth Avenue? I have a plan.
Trump said he'd hire the best and I'm the best at what I do. The biggest and best in history if you believe the prosecutor.
Pay and benefits are not important but a certain ethical flexibility would be required. Oh, and a pardon. What do you think?
B. Madoff.
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You're joking, and it's funny. Thanks. But in sober truth, Trump would indeed hire Madoff if he were available, and if Madoff could hide the fact that he's at least a little smarter than the president.
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Mr. Madoff,
While unable to respond on behalf of the Career Counselor, I think you are in high dudgeon along with a list of other dubious persons from here to eternity.
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I'll be happy to write a recommendation for you, Mr. Madoff.
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I think you've found your Seamus!
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Apparently, Ms. Collins, once Trump (and his rubber stamp Senate) nominates and confirms a person to a Cabinet position, one can expect to be shuffled around as if actual skills and experience don't matter. On one day a cabinet member is in charge of the Department of Energy and the next day, he finds himself in charge of whatever open position exists in the Cabinet due to Trump's deciding someone isn't loyal enough. Since the only skill required of Cabinet members is how sincerely they can flatter Trump, I guess which cabinet position they hold is immaterial to him.
How long are voters going to put up with a clearly unfit man as President?
One silver lining is the exposure to all Americans of the myth that the Republican party is good at managing. Whatever this Republican party is doing in Congress, at the White House or in elections, it isn't management with good outcomes for voters other than the 1% who live in their own reality.
Enjoy while they last the bubbles based on wishful thinking that fewer regulations and lower taxes produce healthy economies.
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Dear Counselor Collins; You seem to have your paw on what's going on in DC. I would think a dream job would be official dog wrangler for the White House. Given the fact that President Trump doesn't have a dog I would have extra time to help out in the State Department, Justice Department, EPA, Energy department, Department of the interior, Housing Department, etc, etc. Thanks, sign me, "Just wanting to do my part." PS. Any of the these offices come with kennels? I"ll be bring my pack of illegal Chihuahuas.
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Dear James Griffon, as a gundog you would be right at home in the White House. Perhaps Counselor Collie would append a note to your resume asking Scotty Pruitt to re-purpose his $43,000 soundproof phone booth for your Chihuahua friends?
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LOL
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Dear Career Counselor,
I am a white male with limited skills or education. I think I should have a good chance at job in the Trump administration. Why, you ask?
1. He doesn't hire immigrants, that's for sure. More opportunity for me!
2. He doesn't hire many women. Betsy DeVos doesn't count as a real woman, since she and her husband are worth a few billion dollars and gave the GOP millions to buy her job.
3. He doesn't hire many minorities. Ben Carson doesn't count, because, you know, he's a doctor, and had his picture painted with Jesus.
4. He doesn't appear to hire many competent people. Right up my alley!
5. He likes Russians! I am not Russian, but will wear one of those fur hats and work with Julian Assange and Carter Page if that's what it takes.
6. He likes people who always agree with him and tell him all the time how brilliant and great he is. I can do that!
7. I like Fox News, Breitbart and Alex Jones, just like the President, and also believe everything they say.
Any other advice for me?
Signed,
Hopeful Vlad
*****
Dear Hopeful Vlad,
Assuming you can get your security clearance, you should have no problem.
Signed,
The Career Counselor
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Dear Vlad,
You actually don't need security clearance as long as Kelly doesn't find you
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Gail thanks, one has to admit that it is pretty funny that the trump team is like the contra "Avengers" , no talent, no skills, no brains, no super powers and they probably look terrible in tights.
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Oh why did you have to mention tights? I'll never ever get that image out of my brain.
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Gail,
Would you print the federal website that will take our application for a position in the West Wing?
Thanks.
Ed
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I'm afraid, Gail, that you neglected to mention a sure way to get a job with the Trump administration.
If you appear on Fox News, preferably as a talking head, you have an exceptional chance to get a high level job.
Heather Ann Nauert, formerly of Fox and Friends, was recently named acting Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, after being a spokesperson for the State Department.
The fact that Ms. Nauert had no previous diplomatic experience is no bar.
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I remember when Heather Nauert was a news anchor at Fox 5 (the NYC Foxlical channel).
It wasn’t that long ago.
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Enjoyed this editorial. Just like to comment on a minor detail.
The Frat Brat with the degree in public relations might do better, (White House wise) with a degree in private relations. I hear one can earn $130,000 per hour. You can even use your nickname!
I am a little curious about B. D. Has she ever criticized your writing because each editorial, paragraph and sentence is comprised of individual letters, commas and periods?
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$130k per hour? Thought it may have been $1.56 million/hr. . . .
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JC,
Referring to Stormy's settlement. Thanks for responding.
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It’s truly amazing how desperate those in the gop are to stay in control even throwing our country down a sewer is ok with them. Traitors all!
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Dear Grandmother,
Of course your inexperienced 21-year-old grandson is qualified to be secretary of state. After all, Trump gave a 28-year-old former model for his daughter's fashion line the position of communications director. And he gave the secretary of energy job to a man who graduated college with a C- average in animal husbandry and promised at one point to eliminate the Department of Energy. Heck, your grandson will be one of the most qualified people in the White House.
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He gave Ben Carson HUD and THEN gave, as deputy HUD director, to a woman who had handled Don, Jr,'s wedding.
Absolutely not kidding.
See, this is the thing about making fun of Trump and his Administration. They are a parody of themselves in reality. Very difficult to make fun of such reality.
It's all so flabbergasting in reality.
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Not to mention, . . . Pruitt. . . .
Requirements for working at the Trump White House:
Endless loyalty to Trump, none needed for the truth;
No compunction about reminding Trump how people with hearts talk;
Understanding that Mueller will soon make his way to you;
Scant professionalism, so that you will blend in with the other unqualified people, all the way to Trump;
Comfort with being mocked on Twitter by the boss;
Eagerness to tell "white lies" for Trump;
Fondness for living through bizarre reality show plots;
Very little attachment to your here-today-gone-tomorrow coworkers;
Willingness to see your inevitable termination on a TV or computer screen.
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NM,
If somebody were kind enough to explain to Trump that a strong sense of Loyalty takes time, and that his weekly replacing of Office Staff is not conducive to acquiring the above, it might be the beginning of something. Whether he can chew gum and tie his shoelaces at the same time, is another matter to deliberate.
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You forgot to add legal fees to your list. Hefty legal fees. All for the privilege of serving an unfit, illegitimate, possibly traitorous, boss.
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Open Casting Call to the nation's cranks, charlatans, cretins, creeps and ex-cons:
We are now accepting applications to serve his Royal White Hiney in a wide range of compromising positions; we require unflinching loyalty to a raging national dumpster inside the White House, the ability to be thrown repeatedly under a bus for the Royal White Hiney's personal thrill, and a comprehensive lack of subject matter knowledge in basic public policy, representative government, economics, math, healthcare, trade, education, public safety, infrastructure, diplomacy, civil rights, the environment, science, technology, geography, history and language.
Candidates should be well versed in the 1950's and 1960's America and White Wonder Bread mythology and be able to speak 'American'.
TV viewing habits must be exceptional; your brain should be marinated in a thick stew of Fake News and the Christian Broadcasting Network prior to your scheduled interview.
Once you swear allegiance to his Royal White Hiney, we will assign you a position based purely on your loyalty score; your skill set is unimportant.
So don't be surprised if you have a nursing background and are appointed as the Undersecretary of Housing or if you're a welder and appointed to be the Attorney General or an accountant and appointed to be Surgeon General.
That's how we do things here.
Just say "I'm with stupid" and it will all work out in the end.
Send all resumes to the Trump Toilet in care of the Floating Orange Log.
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Just called the Verona Township council to propose erecting a statue in your honor. It will include a clock, mobile digits, and give the flip on the hour.
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Socrates -
Your comments are always an entertaining and usually informative read. But! (pun intended), your last sentence hear was a bit hard to swallow. I was having lunch. It was a rather tasty hot dog. It was the unfortunate "visual" that occurred upon reading that last sentence. Oh well, I'll look at it as having been saved a few calories, courtesy of you. :)
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I'd recommend the nurse for Surgeon General and the welder for HUD, but that may make them overqualified. Otherwise, spot on.
Dear Career Counselor,
I'm retired, but I've thought of going back to work especially in this administration. I think there's a place for me as an assistant to Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That woman needs help. Poor thing can't say anything without being accused of lying.
Or I could work for Jeff Sessions. Poor guy can't seem to do anything that pleases his boss. I could get him a medical marijuana prescription to sooth his nerves and I wouldn't tell anyone. I Swear.
I could take Rob Porter's place, but my wife won't let me abuse her or date other women who work in the White House.
Just don't send me to work for Perry or DeVos or Carson or Kelly or Mnuchin or Zinke or Perdue or Pruitt.
I tend to be a leaker and wouldn't last long.
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Dear Career Counselor,
Who can I see about getting a job as the President’s Dog Walker? I realize that he doesn’t have a dog, but I hear that he never lets facts get in the way once he makes up his mind. Besides, I’ve read that Vladimir Putin has three dogs, so when the President hears about that, he’ll surely want a dog.
— Aspiring Cynophilist
P.S. And I promise never to allow the President’s dog to ride on the roof of the Trump family’s car.
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Jeff Kane,
Anybody, with not only a brain but a mind, is able to determine that 'The Dog' in this story is the candidate who is hired by The White House.
Dear Career Counselor,
I'm deaf, dumb and blind plus I'm 40-24-36. Any job in this administration is perfect for me. How soon do I start?
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April, I've read through a whole lot of these funny comments, but yours' is my Top Pick. Laugh out loud funny and spot-on true.
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I wish I qualified but alas I've never: cheated someone out of their fair pay, never declared bankruptcy and never thought of Putin as a great, strong leader. On the other hand, I have to admit I could use the money. So here are my qualifications: white male, senior citizen (65), and willing to learn how to play golf. Lastly, and perhaps, most importantly, I live in Indiana and survived Pence.
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As a fellow Hoosier, I would give your comment 10 thumbs up if I could. I am waiting for the international incident to come later this week when Pence tries "conversion therapy" on the Prime Minister of Ireland.
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Dear Career Counselor,
My current position is directing traffic in a phone booth, but I moonlight in local bars where I keep the economy strong via nonstop beverage purchases. I don't have a current address, but you can always reach me through my parole officer or call Butch's Bar & Grill in the Bronx.
My dream jobs in Mr. Trump's administration, by preference:
1. Ivanka's gofer, includes holding mirror for hours while she stares into it.
2. Jared's financial counselor. Have own Ouija board.
3. Sarah Sander's staff providing daily pressroom humor.
4. Homeschooling Barron, includes lessons in name-calling and insults.
5. Oval Office Flyswatter. Will also step on most insects. No spiders, though.
--References provided upon request. Or just ask the Mooch about me.
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Dear Gail, I can never say it enough. Thank you! <3
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This stopped being humorous about a year ago.
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I love Gail Collins she is as brilliantly clever a writer there ever was.I look forward to always reading her op-ed..Keep up the great work Gail, America needs you more than ever..Big Hug..
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Got a law degree? I've got a job for you requiring no scruples but plenty of rubles. You can't read an article about Trump without mention of what must be an army of lawyers. New names arise on a daily basis, all in different contexts. This is a carryover from his real estate business which was built on the threat or attrition of endless litigation and not any actual acumen. Singlehandedly, he is keeping the moribund legal profession afloat.
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I would add that no character references are needed for any position at the White House. In fact those with knowledge of how the government actually functions need not apply. Never even had a civics class? Go ahead and apply. Want to close public schools because you think ignorance is bliss? Maybe DeVos will finally be so embarrassed because of her lack of knowledge she will quit, but I doubt it - you have to have a clue to begin with. Think global warming is a joke and pollution is good for your health? Scott Pruitt might be starting to think about a career change after it cost us $43,000 for his secure phone booth. ( Is he a little paranoid or what) Thinking the Attorney General's job might be up for grabs sometimes soon. Now that would be a juicy position for a wannabe lawyer, as long as you are prepared to be Trump's Roy Cohn and have amnesia at the appropriate time, namely appearing before Congress or those pesky intelligence agencies. For anyone who applies for a White House position there is one caveat, you had better be prepared to fall on your sword for Mr. Trump. It is required.
This was a great column Gail! Thank you for lifting my spirits, and hooray for Lamb edging out Trump's guy in Pennsylvania.
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Speaking of the secure phone booth, Pruitt could have gotten a great deal at Universal Studios by buying the old GET SMART cone of silence. I'm sure it's just wasting away in some prop room and it would have cost much less than the $43K that he spent.
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I do realize that a sense of humor is vital to getting through this mess. I love The Onion, and Andy Borowitz, and I share lots of great memes on my Facebook page. But every time I smile at one of these, every time I LOL at a great Tweet comeback to a Trump posting, I hear the haunting refrains of lines from Auden’s “Epitaph on a Tyrant”—“When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter. And when he cried, the little children died in the streets.” With Pompeo moving to Secretary of State, and with John Bolton lobbying for next national security advisor, how long before the little children begin dying?
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Trump never laughs. Smirks, yes, but he has no sense of humor.
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Well, just think how much lower the unemployment rate would have been if good ole Number 45 hadn't fired all these folks.
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if it wasn't so real and sad i would laugh more. Still, it was delightful and you made me laugh!! :-)
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Several of these candidates seem over-qualified for work in the Trump White House, by which I mean they have college degrees, and not even from Trump University.
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Dear Grandmother,
It should be clear to everyone that the best way to get a job in the Trump administration is not to be a good candidate for that job. You don't have to have educational qualifications. You certainly do not have to be smart (in fact, this is a sure disqualification). You don't need to have any experience or particular knowledge in the field the job covers.
What you need to do is to play a person with these qualifications on TV. As a role model you can take Larry Kudlow.
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Scathing. And spot-on. I laughed till I cried. Rather, I laughed through my tears of frustration.
Thank you, Ms. Collins...we needed that.
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Gail, may we talk about my favorite Trumpster, Rick Perry ? I am convinced that good old Rick will be the last one standing. First, Rick has experience dancing, and he's doing a mighty fine Texas two-step, staying within Trumps rapidly vanishing circle of approval. Why, he may even be the next Head of Veterans Affairs. He's qualified, with a degree in animal husbandry.
Whatever that really means, who cares. Also, perhaps Trump really, truly believes that Texas really IS a whole other Country, and wants to remain friends. Or maybe Rick could be the next Secretary of Defense, or Homeland Security. He has extensive experience with firearms, and snakes. Whatever. I just wish we could see, and hear, more from Rick. Imagine the press conferences, and especially the question/ answer sessions. Now THAT'S entertainment. And explosive ratings.
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Gail Collins
Career Counselor Extraordinaire
Dear Ms. Collins,
My uncle Screwtape says I should get a high-ranking position in either the White House, or as part of the Hacking Crew Cabinet of Agent Orange from KAOS.
Normally, I would have the GOP'ers nominate me to a lifetime position in the Federal Judiciary, but there's no need with Scalia's old seat now taken.
I have ample, recent references from duties sowing bedlam and confusion in service with Koch Bros. Inc., followed by phenomenonal success in a Seychelles posting. You are no doubt already familiar with my taping of Paul Ryan and other GOP'ers in the Capitol on July 15 2016, where we got to here the Majority Leader declare he thought Dana Rohrabacher and Donald Trump were being paid by Putin, after which Paul Ryan swore all present to 'no leaks - this is how we know we're a real family here':
https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/house-majority-le...
Don't you just love the delicious irony of my surreptitious recording !
Please contact me ASAP, as I need more successful projects on my resume for professional career advancement, and we both can tell the window of opportunity to participate in this tanking administration is closing.
as always,
Wormwood Screwtape
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R. Law:
This is absolutely superb! Thank you!
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I love this. In these degenerate days, any allusions to literature are appreciated.
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@Gary, Linda - You are too kind :)
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The long-term employment prospects for any of these job seekers would be better if they applied at Toys R Us. And they're going out of business.
Of course the qualifications for working at the White House are far lower, and any embarrassing problems with the law, sexual misconduct, accusations of spousal abuse or utter lack of qualifications are not an impediment to employment.
The benefits are pretty good. You can fly your family first-class on the government’s nickel, spend lavishly on dining room sets and spread fake news thicker than cream cheese on a bagel, as long as long as you can do it without laughing. Having no soul is a tremendous advantage, so be sure to put that on your resume.
Mostly the job involves blowing smoke up the president’s backside. The hardest part of that job is believing just how easy it is. Just make sure you don’t call him an idiot within earshot of a journalist. Save that stuff for the gag reel after he’s impeached. There are going to be so many tell-all books after his tenure is over that they’ll have to add a floor the Library of Congress, so be sure to take notes.
I think there’s a minimum age for working in government. But as far as I.Q. goes, the floor’s the limit. Even if you’re a complete idiot, there’s no need to worry. When Betsy DeVos forgets how to get into her office, there will be a place for you.
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Speaking of the Library of Congress, my mind almost exploded when I put together the words "Trump Presidential Library." Why do I think he'll try to have it operated, for a profit, by the family firm?
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Thanks as always for making me smile.
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Snowbound for an extra day in DC yesterday due to blizzards up North, I did find myself exploring the Library of Congress for a bit, after joining the fantastic kids protesting gun violence in front of the Capitol Building.
What a jewel of an institution !! And just one part of it being Thomas Jefferson’s recreated personal library.
To accommodate these Trumpian tell-all books, the opportunities of a certain displaced class of workers would be enormous, or perhaps bigly.
What ever happened to all those operators of the seedy bookstores and such that populated Times Square a few decades ago?
Well here’s the opportunity to tap into their talents — they’re probably the most capable to convey to the Public the intellectual depth and moral breadth of the Trump administration as captured in these many future books.
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Dear Career Counselor:
Speaker to the Press is my choice
I've a raspy real unpleasant voice,
My memory's faulty
Attitude assaulty
Questions of facts really annoys.
Like Huckabee Sanders I'm mean
On saying "that's all" I am keen,
Of course you can guess
I do hate the Press,
On the President's instincts, I lean.
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Larry Eisenberg -- You are terrific. I fear I've only seen small fraction of your copious comments -- ever thought of collecting them and putting they on Amazon? Seriously. I'm surprised the Times hasn't put you on the payroll. (Or The New Yorker: they've got a guy named Borowitz who is funny-good, but I think you could give him a run for his money.)
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Larry Eisenberg for Poet Laureate!
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Love it Larry! Are you and Gemli related?
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