This story, as with others of it's ilk, is at least tacitly predicated on the absurd premise that watching porn and having mutually fulfilling, loving sex with a partner are equal options for men and boys.
Of course the porn watching experience is solipsistic! Of course Pornhub has more daily traffic than Tumblr or PayPal. It's not an accident that a disproportionate share of bandwidth is devoted to delivering porn. The fact is that most men want more sex than is generally available to them. This is true for men in loving committed relationships, and is of course doubly true for adolescent boys. One might say it's one of the defining aspects of the male experience.
When this is acknowledged in pop culture, the effect is generally to depict men as objects of humor or outright derision, pathetic dupes being led around by their genitals. I'm not here to defend porn, much of which is every bit the corrosive influence depicted in this story. But is it any wonder so much mainstream porn is shot from the male perspective and depicts male fantasies of power?
Again, not disagreeing with with premise that early exposure to porn can negatively impact adolescents. But let's not stand around clutching our pearls and being wilfully obtuse about why it exists in the first place.
38
So depressing I couldn't even finish reading. I hate the idea of censorship, but I don't think anyone can deny our ubiquitous porn culture is screwing up people's minds, their self-esteem, their ability to connect intimately, etc., etc.
Important reporting, thank you for it, but a hell of a way to start my Sunday.
16
That's what we need is a reporter cherry picking data. She cite's Debby Herbernick's 2015 report that 70% of women experience pain with anal sex and most hetero couples don't make it a regular part of their practice, she purposely avoids that same report cites 37% of women report lifetime practice of anal sex. The article gives a false impression of the data that was even reported in the summary. Not porn is the best vehicle for sex education, but we are stuck with it. Let's not blow out credibility in listing its deficiencies.
10
A whole area not explored here is teenagers and gay porn.
12
I'm 59, but look much younger. I have been involved with younger men, but I draw the line at men who learned about sex from porn, and it is blatantly obvious.
I'm so glad my first experiences were with boys who wanted to be great lovers, like they saw in non-porn movies. I pity the younger generations. When you're missing out on something like real intimacy, you're missing some of the best experiences this life offers.
14
This was a great read. As an 18 year old myself who watches porn, this article surprised me-simply by seniors that didn't know what lube is for example. I have always realized that porn, is not real life, and that it's focus has always been on the male and his desires, so I strive to do he opposite. All of my friends realize this as well, and in reality we place the girls needs first, and always ask what they want and ask if every action we take is ok, verbally. Some may think it "ruins the moment" but it's important your partner and you are on the same page both having a good time. The only class we ever had dealing with sex was a generic Sex Ed class, explaining STDs and the basic organs- but nothing more -- and too late in 8th grade. As a son of divorced parents and living with my mom, I never received "the talk" and was left to figure it out via porn and friends. I found friends, who had their first sexual activity mere days before my own to be the best form of education, but porn has always been a tool. Teenagers and kids are capable of being good partners without proper sex Ed classes,but I imagine it would be much better for all of us, if our first introduction was not through porn but through a class like that in Boston. As inaccurate expectations and wants can develop.
15
To be honest, I do not think that porn should be the main source of sexual knowledge for kids... but just because most of it is made on the cheap and with no care - especially the run-of-the-mill, heterosexual fare - by people that clearly do not know better and "has no skin in the game".
Which is probably why the perception of the role of "gay porn" seems a bit more positive... the "gain matrix" there makes for a couple producers with a vested interest in not making total crap, compared to the market geared towards hetero-sexual males (who gobble up absolutely anything). It is little, but little sometimes may be enough.
In general, the only somewhat trust-worthy porn one can find is on the fringe, when creators have something to tell about what they portray - because it is part of their own sexual life. The rest is like most Hollywood Sci-Fi: ludicrous to anyone with a modicum of knowledge.
On the other hand, it is not like BEFORE the widespread availability of porn, things were really any better.
The inability ( or unwillingness? ) of society as a whole to teach young males how to properly interact with women long pre-dates it, and was shared by most, even among those who had little to no experience with porn.
It wasn't porn to teach me that women are a bunch of whores unworthy of respect, and that had to be treated with constant suspicion - it was my parents.
(Who positively loathed porn, by the way).
As far as I am concerned, porn is already a step forward.
3
It's all terribly sad...monkey see, monkey do. Do they even stop to think and to feel and figure out what is actually pleasurable to themselves and to inquire what is pleasurable to their partner?
Women blamed for their own discomfort (actually euphemized pain) with perhaps lube offered as an aid. Wow - the question that can lube even be "natural"?! And no apparent explanation that except for anal, natural lubrication is the sign that a woman is excited. And the point where discussion is halted is when talking about the clitoris, of course - which is just about the only hope women have for an orgasm.
No apparent mention of foreplay to counteract that women get 0-30 seconds of it in porn but it's a really good thing in real life? This class is better than nothing but may leave kids with another set of issues. I'm so very glad that the porn I had access to was relatively mild and was exciting to me without pressuring me to do horrible things only for the guy.
4
I think porn is much more realistic than it used to be. In the 90's, it was all thin fake blondes with gigantic breasts squealing in high pitched voices. Now with the internet, porn producers get instant feedback on what people want, and there is a much larger variety of actors and frankly, way more vanilla and amateur porn than was available 20 years ago.
3
If you want to know the effects of watching porn at an early age, check out yourbrainonporn.com, which is a great site for learning what porn does to the the brain. Basically, in young people, it wires their brains to become stimulated only by imagery; hence more and more young men in their 20s are seeking help at sex clinics, needing viagra or cialis, because they can't get an erection in the presence of a real human being. Sad stuff.
9
Apart from being much too long and repetetive, Maggie Jones's article surprised me in a number of ways. Does she not count masturbation as a sexual act? I grew up in London, UK, and was 14 in 1944. All my male friends wanked before the age of 14 and a great many of them had had sex with a girl by that age. Quite a few had also engaged in mutual masturbation with another boy. Has human nature changed so much?
As for those who have strong opinions about the negative influence pornography has on the real-life sex-lives of the young (and rarely innocent),
should not be much more concerned about the kind of influence which the
endless violent and graphically ugly movies, videos. video-games, t-shirts
have on the social lives of all those embarking on their own real-life lives from the age of 10 or 12 onwards?
8
Go figure: teenagers who watch porn are more likely to "try anal sex." That you have to trivialize and distort the noun sodomy to bizarrely attach it to the noun sex, in order to create the Frankenstein oxymoron "anal sex," says all we need to know about the NYT's mindset in this area.
Sodomy is sex the way a frog is a vegatable.
5
One assignment I give my college students is to look up accounts by former porn actors. Almost invariably, they find PTSD, inability to enjoy sex, addictions, etc. Their argument tends to evolve from one that sex work is empowering to the opposite. It is eye-opening and useful to learn that they have been experiencing pleasure at the expense of others' mental health.
6
Media's first mistake, many years ago, was to reference porn people as stars.
7
There’s an inherent assumption in this article that men enjoy sex naturally and women are the holdup. While I agree that women are more often victimized by sex crimes than men are and that porn unhealthily portrays and objectifies women, this article briefly addresses stereotypes of men and does nothing to address it. Yes, women’s issues are important and worth addressing, but the effect of these unrealistic expectations on men should be addressed as well. The article tries at the start and end but I feel does an insufficient job.
Also, (a small hill to die on but I’m still here), why does Kyrah’s body type matter in this article? This was about half-way through the article, during the part about the porn literacy class. Her feminist views are important to the context and her age matters too, but there is no constructive reason to include her build. In contrast, there are no descriptions of men’s bodies.
11
maybe we should have a warning on all porn videos much like the warning that comes with cigarettes. Warning: the sex acts depicted here are for entertainment only and have no bearing on real life situations.
5
Oh my goodness, what will the poor perpetual victim victimhood crowd do without 24/7 protection from the big bad world?
5
This piece had the potential to be an interesting look at an important social topic into which many adults have little insight. However, I was struck and disappointed by the lack of empowered female teen voices, aside from the singular "A". It seems to me that this piece falls into the same social and sexual narrative that it denounces in porn: one focused on men, with only a glancing, superficial look at the diversity of female sexual tastes and desires. Moreover, the general tone feels quite shaming and dismissive of those who might have more divergent sexual interests (such as those detailed in this piece as giving teens unrealistic ideas about sex), which I find unhelpful to a conversation about healthy, consentual sex.
11
Recipe for NYTimes think piece:
Bury the good news: sex among 9th graders has decreased drastically in the last 20 years; obfuscate causality: does early porn consumption lead to rough sex? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯; implicitly endorse repellant policy: 10 hours of porn literacy training for 10th graders!
What could go wrong?
9
This story has legs but I wish it would go away. It's apparently like click-bait and the general interest in pornography keeps readers commenting on it. Personally, I do not like the frank and open way it is written. This article demeans meaningful consensual relationships and gives entirely too much information on the dark side of sex.
5
Richard Thompson's song "Read about Love" said it more than 25 years ago:
Asked my daddy when I was thirteen,
"Daddy, can you tell me what love really means?"
His eyes went glassy, not a word was said,
He poured another beer, and his face turned red . . . .
And now I've got you
(Read about love)
Where I want you
(Read about love)
I got you on the test bed, test bed, test bed
So why don't you moan and sigh?
And why do you sit there and cry?
I do everything I'm supposed to do
Something's wrong and it must be you
I know the ways of a woman
I've read about love . . . .
5
I am not even slightly concerned about the specter of harm that porn might do to tender developing sexualities.
Teenagers know that what they see in movies isn't the real world. They will learn about sex from having it, and that will correct any misimpressions they may have acquired from porn, books, TV, or rumors they may have heard.
4
My sex 'education' came around 13 when my mother handed me what was known as a 'romance' magazine - at the time pretty tame descriptions of physical attraction, compared to today's novels and movies and porn. My dad never mentioned a thing to me about sex. He was too embarrassed.
I was shy as a teenager and went through the usual angst associated with dating until a cheerleader taught me how to please her, though we never had sex - and it did not involve many of the things today's young people can watch routinely. There are movies that show long foreplay, gentle, erotic sex and mutual satisfactions, but 98% of porn is nothing but junk and it saddens me that teens could come of age thinking that's the way the real world works.
5
I don't think parents can be objective when it comes to their own children. Several commenters here (and the research bears this out) were surprised to find their kids were first seeing porn between ages 8-13 years old, but most of us still see our children as innocent babies at that age, and would have a hard time discussing sexuality. Even the European porn film producer proves this point in the article:
"I asked Lust if she would steer her daughters in that direction when they are older (they are 7 and 10). 'I would recommend good sites to my daughters at age 15, when I think they are mature enough." By that age, they have probably not only seen a lot of porn, they have likely had sex as well. That is why the schools are the best place for this kind of education, because they have a more objective view of children and their actual level of development. We parents are lost in a past that is gone, and forget just how young we ourselves were when we encountered sex. We don't WANT to think about our kids being exposed to it, but that is selfish of us and harmful to our children.
7
WHY does this article make a point on commenting on a teenage girl's body when sharing what she said in her high school sex ed class??!
"Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete’s compact body and a tendency to speak her opinions, didn’t hesitate."
Not only that, but "a tendency to speak her opinions". Clearly all the children quoted, like most people in the world, have a "tendency to speak their opinions".
Every single part of this sentence is problematic. Do better NYT.
14
As sociologist, Michael Kimmel tells us in his powerful book, Guyland, the woman in porn is both always accessible and always ready for sex. Anyone who watches a lot of porn might internalize these damaging messages; we desperately need porn literacy--BRAVA to these educators!
5
It's rather funny that, even in an article condemns porn, the New York Time still manages to glorify homosexuality. Feminist and gay porn are somehow more noble because they make young people feel they're not alone? Come on, guys. It's porn. By definition, that means it's an objectification of what should be an intimate act. It would really be nice if the Times would employ maybe one journalist who takes a more objective view toward gay-spectrum issues.
4
Pornography sells not only on the internet but in the NYT.
3
Over a lifetime I learned that the caring and loving that is seldom depicted in porn is what makes for the most enjoyable sex for both partners, however "mild," "wild," or "adventurous." Porn doesn't offer young men and women any more realistic depiction of how to have enjoyable sex than Grand Theft Auto offers usable driving lessons.
3
"Girls" by Lena Dunham is what the late '70s & '80s art porn scene had been about there on your HBO television set.
You had to go to an X rated theater to see sex movies. The VHS porno industry kept a lot of those stores going.
& there was that book: "The Joy of Sex". Porno movies existed on Super 8. I once found a reel in the dirty snow gutter near the TV station in downtown Rochester. That movie was all the way like normal fun sex with the woman as the star.
I am certain that women are not that much visually stimulated. Men are way more stimulated by what they see than women. The Utility of sex movies can be great.
Learning & knowing how to do anything is best learned peer to peer. "What's your thing." was and is about in intimacy knowing your partner's thing.
Love acts come from that.
2
Ms. Gallop, in her 50's,only dating men in their 20s, is part of a wide spread contradiction. She created her porn site, Ms. Gallop says, to counter the narratives, stated as fact, by the writer, of porn being male driven, with men in need of "re-education", towards "real" and "good values".
Yet, the 50 shades phenomenon was female driven porn, as are the cougar 'values' Ms. Gallop lives by, part of a societal set up of little concern to women (and men, of course), who profit from it, and, embraced by media at large, in the porn this hypocrite lives by, in her youth, and, today. Simply, it is money and market driven. Why not better parental controls?
Why does the bigger picture not factor in, as to this topic? Given selective ignoring enabling the behaviors, the movies, the books, the television, the business models, there is selective preach, given practices. Even by Ms. Gallop, and by the author in taking the 'male driven' narrative, which, 'works', right or wrong, or, we would have a different 'market'. MeToo is well meaning, but, as does the premise of the article, the movements, against real abuse, and to solve real issues in objectifying women, or men, too often over corrects, blame only given to men without addressing the core issues. The porn reform movement, also, it seems, lacks self reflection in not asking women if the double standard is of their own enabling, as well, sticking only to the idea if only men were 're-educated', women would be rescued.
3
As always, follow the money to see why support systems are not in place: "Globally, porn is a $97 billion industry, according to Kassia Wosick, assistant professor of sociology at New Mexico State University. At present, between $10 and $12 billion of that comes from the United States." (2015).
https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/things-are-looking-americ...
1
American porn is pure poison; it's a lie. Trump is more authentic than American porn, and Trump is a conman. I consider this a national health emergency which requires the government to speak up. This is one case where just say no (i.e. don't look at it) is actually justified. Pictures of naked, adult men and women is (mostly) just fine and really all the porn anyone should need.
1
The absolute worst thing is for the government to get involved through their indoctrination centers in government schools. They already have an active male self-hatred brainwashing system in place, so the only thing you can do to protect your sons from the haters is to get them out of government schools no matter what it takes.
1
This generation needs their Dr. Ruth and less online time. Just my opinion.
2
Sex education sounds seriously lacking in the United States. I'm thankful for having gone through a much more thorough and robust sex education program throughout my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood here in Ontario, Canada.
The U.S. should take a page from our curriculum and also get a hold of Sue Johanson's sex talk radio and tv shows.
Kids need a healthy education that includes a rigorous sex and sexual health education that goes beyond simply advocating for abstinence. Abstinence-based sex ed does not work.
2
The barber shop I patronized when I was a kid in the fifties was owned by a guy
named Lou. Lou kept a supply of racy magazines on-hand for his customers. Police Gazette, Playboy and some others. He also had a supply of dirty joke books and packs of playing cards with naughty pictures on them, the kind where the men were all wearing black socks and the pictures were so bad you really couldn’t make out what, if anything, was going on.
Lou didn’t allow these materials to be viewed by just anyone. You had to be at least 15 years old. Lou, you see, had standards and knew right from wrong. He wasn’t going to allow any of the young kids in his shop to get hurt. He understood what the boys wanted to see and was ready to supply it, up to a decent limit and no further.
I miss Lou and his limits. The plague of raw and gross internet pornography that is now engulfing the nation ruins countless lives and greatly debases the culture. I’ll go further and say that no man like Trump could ever have been elected President in the Age of Lou.
2
I hadn't heard of the website Pornhub until reading about it in the NYT recently. I was able to access the website easily without any pre-conditions such as age, country ID number etc. What I saw horrified me. Im not sure how to respond. I'm not religious and don't belong to a church. I was the first in my company years ago to hire women engineers and technicians. As South Africa moved out of its apartheid years I am proud of the multi-racial teams I trained. I have family members I love in the LGB community. My two daughters and two sons received similar university degrees and are all professionals today. I guess in the USA I would be considered a liberal. But I have four grandchildren, all young, and the thought that they can all so easily access sites like Pornhub, or see them on friends smartphones, nauseated me. Picture after picture appears as one scrolls down,each converting into a shortened video clip, each what we would have called revolting in an older, maybe more honest age. I think my liberal tolerance has just come to an end. I don't,under any circumstances, want my grandchildren to see what is now so easily available and what I have just seen. Porn as graphic as this may be explainable to teens, as the article suggests, but may leave lasting scars as children head into the world of longterm relationships, such as a marriage of twenty, thirty or longer years. I cannot see how the images can be erased, once they have entered a young mind.
5
CYBER NYMPHS
Contracted to our brief demanding view
Youth and beauty pass in bright procession
And in perfection is this world untrue
As thumbnails click in scant obsession.
Fold of golden apricot and blush of peach
A hint of downy light on spray-tanned skin
Seemingly awakening to a touch
As dawdled fingers to the left breast run.
Come-hither eyes which beckon bright but bored
Feed the flames with self-substantial fuel
And so abundance swells its own reward:
None here can kiss but none it seems are cruel.
Where fairest creatures our desires increase
Alone the webcam screens rehearse the lie
That as the tender works towards release
The image fades and leaves no memory.
Pity this world but still its glutton be
Are there any you could love that now you see?
While learning something about the unreality of porn is probably a good idea, I think the lack of agency among the teens is a clear signal that young people need to understand that their bodies are theirs to make decisions about, to be clear about what they like and don't like, what they find interesting and what they don't want to try. We all experience situations where we are faced with something new, and to be able to say ... let's talk about this, or I want to find out more, or this makes me uncomfortable with you or ... some other assertion of personal awareness and control is what we should be encouraging in these programs. Also, there are some great sex ed programs out there that are not abstinence-only that should have been included in this article for parents interested in providing that option to their children. This article is eye-opening and extremely important.
As Cole Porter observed,
In olden days, a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking.
But now, God knows,
Anything goes.
Thanks for an interesting article. I have often wondered how the youth of today cope with what seems to me almost a world out of science fiction, with its extraordinary pressures technological and social, of which pornography is both. After reading this piece, I am encouraged that perhaps, with a little help, they will sort it all out.
1
The only paragraph worth reading in this article is the last one.
Learn to life with respect, love and curiosity, and set aside other people’s images of how to do it.
Takes courage and vulnerability.
I might have missed it, but it appears that only one student's body was described in this article -- despite the multiple boys and girls interviewed:
"Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete’s compact body and a tendency to speak her opinions, didn’t hesitate."
There were many useful explorations in this article, but I was troubled by this sole physical description's inclusion and what it still may suggest about how we portray men, women, boys, and girls in media.
4
The days when all we had were magazines seems so quaint now by comparison.
maybe they'll end up with fewer destructive phobias and hangups than their parents. let's hope so!
If you want to know why American teenagers are growing up with a distorted understanding of sex, the comments about this article speak volumes. As a Canadian, it is frankly shocking to read such conservative responses to a thoughtful, balanced, articulate piece of writing. Clearly there is little understanding that if you are one of the many readers who is “disgusted” by a piece like this, you are propagating the culture of censorship around sex education that is at the very root of this problem. The saddest part is that this conservative response comes from a relatively liberal readership; the true conservatives would never even entertain this topic in the first place.
2
Why would you describe the student Kyrah’s body (“athletic and compact”) when no other students’ bodies are described, nor is it relevant to the article at all? What a sexist use of language. That made me terribly uncomfortable as a reader.
5
What we really have here is a culture of the exploitation of sexuality, and it has been going on for a long time. Entertainment is increasingly hyper-sexualized, as is women's clothing. Feminists have bought into this by promoting the rhetoric of "sexual self-expression", in other words being sexy as self-empowerment. So, porn is the new norm in America. Were anyone to say that it depicts "unnatural" sex, that person would be derided as a bigot.
I see this cultural shift as a reason for the growth of Islam around the world, because it represents an extreme counter-view of women's sexuality and its expression. We view Islam as oppressive to women, but the fact is that many women are happy with Islam, and perhaps because they fear the porn culture of the West.
3
I have nothing at all against pornography but for a young person to only have the "guidance" of porno as a reference for sexual behaviour is obviously misleading. This emphasises the importance of real, uninhibited sex education from parents and educational institutions. Unfortunately sex education is woefully backward. Until sex and relationships are dealt with in a positive and straightforward way countless young people will have unnecessary problems with their sexuality.
Here is the most important quote in the whole article "fewer teenagers have early sex than in the past (in a recent study, 24 percent of American ninth graders had sex; in 1995 about 37 percent had), and arrests of teenagers for sexual assault are also down."
That is an AMAZING improvement. Perhaps the sexual release provided by porn discourages a lot of much more negative paths to sexual release?
2
As a teenager myself, I thought I would offer my perspective on this article. For one thing, I am 14 years old, but I have never had a sex education class in the supposedly open and forward thinking school I attend. We have spent hours talking about the dangers of drugs, but sex is still too taboo of a subject to breach. We have not even learned about anatomy or sexual safety, let alone gotten into subjects like porn.
There is one simple reason teenagers seek out porn: because no one acknowledges that we are becoming curious, sexual beings. You are expected to somehow go from an innocent child to a sexually active adult without any guidance or advice along the way. It is beyond confusing. My classmates watch porn because they are curious. We want to know things about sex, yet teachers and adults are the ones who refuse to recognize that and have mature and informative discussions. As a result, they get these preconceived ideas about sex from porn. Recently, there was a bit of a school scandal when a girl gave a boy she barely knew oral sex. Do you think this would have happened had someone actually spoken to us about sex? Adults can decry porn all they want, but in order to actually address this problem, they will have to acknowledge teens’ curiosity and sexuality instead of skirting around the issue.
10
I love the young people in the story and I wish them many, many years of fun, silly, tender, crazy, curious, adventurous, consensual, enjoyable sex. They deserve so much more information than anyone is giving them and yet, I believe they will figure it out and perhaps even find a way to teach good sex to the next generation.
34
The dialogues that begin this piece do not ring true. They are obviously not quotes but memories of conversation recorded by a female teacher. I am most alarmed, however, at the panicked tone of this piece that ttreats and views most boys as sexual predators in waiting with the added sense of emergency that they are somehow being brainwashed and controlled by porn. Ridiculous. Treat boys and men like people and not dupes just sitting there waiting for today's dose of mind control from a website in wherever. Maybe you wont have to worry so much about some garbage they find on the Internet.
20
...Did we even read the same piece? This article does far more than treat the young men as dupes. To the contrary, they obviously are bright, inquisitive teenagers that are sorting through and figuring out their own opinions and preferences. I'm an adult woman and I found them deeply human and sympathetic.
5
I didn't get a sense for that tone at all. This is wasn't an alarmist article telling people to take up arms against men and/or the masoginistic porn industry. It's important to discuss how these things shape young men's minds. Do I think every young man will be tainted somehow by their porn viewing habits? No, and neither does the author I'd argue. But it certainly can and your hostile response to this seems over reactive to me. When I reflect on what I saw when I was growing up I think there seems to be more aggressive things put out there these days and the greatest way to ensure this doesn't affect young boys and men is discussion. Not telling people not to worry about it or essentially ignoring it. No one here is saying young boys need to be saved from themselves or else they will be deviants. Your interpretation disturbs me a little to be honest. Open and honest discourse will always help things no matter the subject.
2
The next step for the #metoo movement will be to criminalize or attach shame to male sexual pleasure & fantasy.
2
Have there been any studies done on people in their early-mid 30s who were exposed to internet porn during college (when the majority of people become sexually active)? I am interested in knowing if the porn-effect wears off as people mature.
7
I’ve been watching porn since I was 12 years old. I made my first bucks ripping out pages from playboy and selling them on the bus for a dollar a page. I’ll say this, the direction and availability of porn bothers me. When i was growing up there was a lot less “hardcore” porn. It’s gotten rougher and more racist over the years- as much as I like sex, I do fear for our nations youth. Im 31 now, so not that old. I’m just glad that I was blessed with a lot of female friends who icould ask questions of and they kind of set me straight on how unreaistic most of it is. Talk to your kids, I’m going to talk to my son when he’s old enough.
21
Sex education needs to be more informative and in depth going farther than basic reproduction. Parents can also play a pivotal role in the development of how young adults view and understand relationships and sex. On the other side of pornography being an influence or educator for young adults. Porn can be a helping hand in understand an individuals sexuality, finding a reassurance that there are other people that share their preferences (kinks) making the idea of sex less alienating.
3
Our Bodies Our Selves should be part of any sex ed and /or porn ed class, especially for female students!
10
I think many people are missing one of the most important messages in this article - that in the absence of meaningful sex education in this country - porn has become the default educator of our youth with regard to sexual matters. Teens are almost all sexually mature by age 14, but we try to pretend that sex doesn't exist for them until age 18. How many of those 80 million daily visitors to PornHub has had a meaningful, honest discussion about sex with their child? We pretend we are Puritans and then behave like Hedonists. Is it any wonder why we are struggling as a country with our intergender dynamics. I am all for bringing the discussion more into the open. Banning things rarely works, at the end of the day, most of the young adults mentioned in this article had a much more negative view of porn than they did at the start, and for much better reasons that they came to on their own.
38
What is really missing here is the fact that it's the Men who are allowing their reproductive instinct to be exploited for money. The narrative of "Men are cheap, violent and dirty" while "Women are innocent, pure and victims" is being force fed into the heads of our young children by an educational system led and influenced by the female gender. A discussion needs to be had. Our young Men need to educated that our strong reproductive instinct is powerful, valuable and should be treasured. The recipient of our reproductive attention is a direct reflection of the value we place on ourselves. Sensitize our young men to how woman harass these instincts for their own means by flaunting their sexual prowess. Then they can chose to avoid becoming modern-day slave hands at the hands of nefarious females who peddle that narrative.
10
"Flaunting their sexual prowess"? Are you the type who thinks the women who came out during the #MeToo movement were asking for harassment?
Who approved this rambling, perfunctory excuse for a comment?
28
Weird!!!!
What absurd drivel. Thank you for the laugh!
1
I am astounded that in this day and age we still don't have universal sex ed in all schools. It is the presentation of facts. Children should know the facts about their bodies and sexuality. I feel lucky that I got sex ed in 7th grade, not a moment too soon. It was factual and judgment-free. The transmission of values around sexuality is the parents' job. They can do that by example. Too many parents are not table to talk to their kids about sex. Of course kids turn to porn to learn about sex. We can do better. Sex education and education about birth control leads to less sex among teenagers, delayed start to sexual activity, and fewer unintended pregnancies.
11
What is not discussed is the power shift between men and women that much of heterosexual pornography depicts. Contrary to feminist hype that porn represents an extension of female enslavement where rape and violence play out a male dominated fantasy, it’s actually an upside-down world in which women are very much in control. That’s not just in the material, but in the industry itself, where women make far more than male actors. It is most definitely speech, and part of what it communicates is that women can be in charge.
7
I feel sorry for teenage girls and guys today. Things just seem so much more complicated to navigate. They all seem anxious about how to do things "the right way" or "the hot way", because they all have some idea (from porn, ugh) of what sex should look like. My biggest sexual anxieties in high school (back in the late 1990s) were "Does he like me? Will we make out tonight?" and "When should I finally have sex with my boyfriend?" I had no preconception of what sex would be, except that it would begin with making out, and that both of us would try to pleasure each other. When I finally did have sex, it was really special and loving, and because we were in a long term relationship, we got to explore what we liked and didn't like together in a really organic way.
Now (many years and several boyfriends later), I'm a parent. I hope porn and porn access change by the time my kid is a teenager, but I'm not holding my breath. My approach is just to try to teach him from a very young age to respect his body, his pleasure, and likewise a partner's body and pleasure. And that sex is best with true intimacy and fondness for the person you're with (truly!).
16
An understanding of statistics should be part of this discussion, too. People in porn films are nowhere near a random sample of all adults, and hence one shouldn't draw conclusions about "what most people do" based on porn. Yes, this is obvious to many people, but people also tend to have a really poor understanding of the importance of statistics, especially when things portrayed in mass media -- including porn -- are involved. Young people should be encouraged to think about the fact that most of the people in porn are in porn precisely because the things they are willing to do on camera are NOT typical; they self-select into the sample. If young people understand this, they might at least feel less pressure to do some of the worst things that show up in porn and might be more likely to really get the fact that the way porn actors approach sex in general is unusual.
4
February 9, 2019
What they are not learning is how to adapt to both the physical and the emotional intelligence integration in what is basic conversational language - body language is not superior to knowing how to communicate with your companion and understanding that erotic expression is not ever going to complete the meaning of enjoying another human being for historical and sure aesthetic beauty and truth is one.
All is about smart effective maturing language and instant gratification that is worthless and might one say evil?
jja Manhattan, N.Y.
1
I grew up Catholic and got absolutely no education from anywhere other than a few cursory lectures from the biology teacher in my all boy high school.
Even we non parents can see that there's not a lot of rationality from parents when it comes to their children's sexual education. Mostly it seems to me that social conservatives want to ignore the whole issue and leave their children to lead dysfunctional ignorant and sexually inept lives. Its horrifying that so few states even mandate that sex education have to conform to scientific or medical facts. These are people who want their children to be educated and informed and skilled in every other area of their lives, supposedly. But not here. Just another example of the fundamental ineptitude of social conservatives when confronted with messy ambiguous facts that don't fit with their dogmas. I feel so bad even for the straight kids. The queer kids have it so much worse. The Catholics had nothing to offer me as a queer teen or man other than hate shame isolation and despair.
11
You want to teach teenagers something about porn? OK. Teach them how it demeans and objectifies women. How it reduces perhaps the most intimate act humans can have with one another to a crude form of entertainment. How it compromises their ability to have healthy, loving relationships because of distorted perceptions about what a relationship really is. How it damages men in ways they aren't even aware of and will not pact their relationships many years into the future. How it is a multi billion dollar industry built on the misery and desperation of real people. You want to teach them something about porn?Teach them the truth.
17
There is nothing inherently wrong with showing explicit images of sex, on a web site, in a theater, or on the pages of a magazine. The problem with the porn industry is that all the images follow a few basic scripts, as if some central authority has created a list of body types and actions, and this is all you can get. Pick from the menu or forget it. Never mind that the body types are unrealistic and that the actions are often demeaning and gross.
This might truly be an example where the search algorithms have dominated the choice of content. Maybe there is some diversity being created, but you won't find it online as long as the search engines decide what you can or can't watch.
That said, it is only proper that the search engines should intentionally filter out evil and illegal scenarios, such as those involving children or bodily injury. But otherwise, they should allow for a greater diversity of content, as long as someone is creating it.
What is demeaning and gross is in the eye of the beholder. Millions of consenting adults engage, with gusto, in practices that you would probably consider demeaning and gross.
Watching people getting killed and wounded from needless war is the worst pornography I have ever seen!
7
What should the youngsters think when mums bra is filled with plastik and saltwater
3
Perhaps porn should always carry the classic warning, "I am a professional. Do not try this at home." Not-so-common common sense should tell these adolescents that their would-be female partners are no more like the adult actors in porn than the adult male actors are like the guys. The foulest thing about porn is that it encourages people to look at partners as objects for their use rather than as other human beings with their own needs, wants, insecurities, and fears. It is a lot more difficult to have sex with someone when you actually have to think about their feelings instead of mindlessly getting off. Until you're ready to have sex while thinking about another's feelings, you're not ready to have sex.
8
fascinating topic. i'm an adult male. have been married twice, to women. both women (one in 40s, one in 30s) have the stereotypes the boys in the article worry about. both women needed the man (*me*) to take lead in initiating sex and carrying out, expecting it was man's job to do this, man's job to be tough, man's job to pursue, etc. Both women very much expect man to be dominant, rough even, but not abusive or criminal. in other words, the fears these boys express are very real and the idea that porn is hurting the boys does not of course address the other side of the equation -- the reality that many women are perpetuating the stereotypes. I should mention that both of these women are very intelligent, liberal, feminist, etc.
6
most important issue in a teen's life remains how will i make a living. sex is really a secondary or tertiary issue.
3
Seriously? Do you have teenagers?
The porn industry is about money. There is so much to be earned by exploiting victims that new ones will be recruited as long as demand is high.n drug addiction, and prostitution are similar issues historically. Maybe gov't can tax it high like liquor and tobacco. There seems to be an insatiable appetite for it on the web. People who care can put filters on their internet, and just like we try and keep drugs, tobacco and liquor from kids we can ry and do the same with porn if there is the will. It seems to me that the more exposure to porn the more difficult it is for one to utilize sexual relations for true intimacy, but seems to me most people are not troubled by that price.
3
I hate to say it, but this comment is so 20 years ago. So much of the porn that is available these days is wholly amateur exhibitionism, or one shot where a couple or a girl films a scene for quick money, or camgirl live streaming porn where a girl or a couple or friends do what they want in the privacy of their own bedrooms and collect money for doing so. No director, no producer, no paid male co-star, no nothing.
if we're going to talk about porn literacy, at least let it be about what the bookstore so to speak actually looks like these days.
a modest proposal ;
stop worrying about your guns
stop worrying about abortion
stop worrying about LBGT rights
start TALKING to you children
2
What happiness can there be while thinking only of yourself.Sex is made for two
Make someone you love happy sex and love go together.
"Can they be taught to see it more critically?"
They have already been taught to think "critically" by years of standardized test taking and emersion in STEM courses.
Distinguishing 'good' porn from 'bad' porn should not be a problem.
2
could it be that we the parents started to talk about sex to our children... both the mechanics and the emotional side
we, us'n folks in the US have made sex dirty.. and now we are trying to blame ALL our problems on someone else
1
So how is it? When Hollywood, TV production and "action" video game makers defend sexual and all other violence in what they sell as not being harmful because "everyone knows it is not real life" ... they get away with it with billions in sales and even some read carpet Awards fame to boot.
Now, Maggie Jones, is telling us that porn videos or photos actually and for life damage teenage boys (and their future intimate partners).
So how is it?
Everything, every "value judgement" seems to be driven by politics and dictum of political correctness in particular.
Sad indeed.
2
The government needs to step in and restrict online access. The technology is there. We are talking about children, not adults. Allowing unfettered access to pornography is absolutely not a free speech issue. That argument in both intellectually and morally devoid of reason. Adults have the right to see anything they want, but not our children. Our collective moral collapse is creating a wide range of sad, dehumanizing eventualities.
1
Demonizing porn because it isn't "realistic" is like attacking movies like Star Wars because it doesn't give children an accurate picture of the world around them. Porn is fictional. Yes, you should teach your children not to take porn literally, but ultimately it is the responsibility of parents to educate their children. If you want to stop your children from looking at porn, fine, but when they turn 18 they will have access, so you should be talking to them now about it. Don't attack porn because you haven't taught your child about sexuality. It isn't porn's responsibility to be realistic any more than it is a movie's responsibility to only show modern technology.
7
Please, NO!! This is the most brutally sexist and disgusting industry in existence. It preys on teenage girls, and is essentially legalized sexual abuse. This should never be acceptable and the NY Times should be ashamed to suggest that parents should ever allow this in their home. There are plenty ways that parents can block this. Porn is not a "teaching moment." It is a dirty, filthy business that has no place in a teenager's life.
8
You can ban porn from your home but you can’t ban it from the world your children inhabit. By just saying NO you will ignore your parental duty to help your kids figure out what is going on in the world outside your home.
Just wishing it away is willful ignorance and will do little to help your children grow into healthy adults.
I worry for our future that children are being misinformed about life and love through many media misrepresentations, porn only being a part of the social narrative. If I had a kid I would most defiantly talk to them about the messages in pornography - which is all around them. Including advertising.
To suggest The NY Times is being irresponsible by broaching this subject is ridiculous. Go stick your head in the sand and see how that works.
Porn is an emotional chemical addiction since using it causes your body to release endorphins and dopamine under false circumstances. People who have respectful, mutually satisfying emotional, logistical, physical relationships tend to have more day to day satisfaction. There could be more about the emotional, logistical situational foundations of sex that go with the instruction manuals, but then people who get the relationship aspect it, get it. The Movie Men Women and Children (2014) uses dark comedy as it explores #VirtualImmersion in online porn, and how the consumption of this products effects the lives of the families examined.
More Reading
American Psychological Association. (2014). Is pornography addictive?
Grant, J. E., Potenza, M. N., Weinstein, A. & Gorelick, D. A. (2010). Introduction to behavioral addictions. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 36(5), 233–241.
Love, T., Laier, C., Brand, M., Hatch, L. & Hajela, R. (2015). Neuroscience of Internet pornography addiction: A review and update. Behavioral Sciences, 5(3), 388–433.
Dawson, G.N. & Warren, D.E. (2012). Evaluating and treating sexual addiction. American Family Physician, 86(1), 74-76.
2
Here's a truth you can take to the bank: The worst lovers are those who are the biggest consumers of porn. This article explains why.
17
Oh, Denise. Sounds like you've had your fair share of less than fulfilling intimate experiences with partners you've found to have watched porn. As a male, I've found the same with some, but not all, women. Those, who were truly great intimate experiences were those who wanted to be with me and me with them; not somewhere else. Perhaps, Denise, these men just didn't want to be with you. Contrary to what you've stated, here, both men and women can, at will, separate fantasy from real life experiences.
4
The most ironic part of this whole "porn as the benchmark for what men expect from women these days", 99.99% of males out there would indeed have no other option than solo sex if we, women, would also use "porn as the benchmark for what women expect from men" because when it comes to size and endurance, 99.99% of men out there, not even close.
4
porn stars perform a great service to humanity. they are definitely my favorite kind of television. they should be protected and well paid in my opinion. most people know they are fake-ish, but they serve a purpose. Combined with true sex education and good role models at home I believe porn can be an additive spice to ones life both alone and during intimacy with others. no need to hate.
4
"Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete’s compact body"
The only teeanger whose body is described is a young woman. Really?
"studies show that for gay and bisexual youth, porn can provide affirmation that they are not alone in their sexual desires"
Takeaway: Hetero porn bad, gay born good. Really?
7
Yeah - that assertion is ridiculous.
I see all male porn that i have definitely worried what impressions it’s making on young gay boys. It’s the same course, rough, demeaning, and other-worldly kind of stuff as in straight porn.
There may be a few days when a young boy is happy to see some gay sex for a minute but don’t imagine that somehow gay guys are immune to the ill influences this article suggests stem from porn. That’s a little dismissive of queer feelings.
I’m all for sex positivity and porn is a part of that. But we need the talk about it and think about it and be careful about it.
Treat each other right and be nice to each other.
1
At any one time something like 70% of internet traffic is PORN. I can't get my head around that figure. How is it even possible?
2
University Broadband
1
10th grade Drew sounds a lot like 10th grade SXM, only 30 years ago. 15 year old Q sounds like 15 year old SXM only 30 years ago.
30 years ago, as a 15 year old, I saw porn. Figured how to rig the playboy channel, had friends with mags, typical 15 year old stuff. Heck, one mag I was shown involved animals.
Only difference I see is personal grooming habits have changed. And access is easier.
It comes down to character, and whether one can distinguish between fantasy and reality. Yes, in the wrong hands, bad things can happen. But even the Bible has been used to justify bad things.
I thought the antidote to porn was the quote, “Tell them if you want to be a lazy, selfish lover, look at porn. If you want to be a lover where your partner says, ‘That was great,’ you won’t learn it from porn.”
Any woman can fake orgasms but no one--man or woman--should feel compelled to act. Sex is so intimate, so vulnerable that such dishonesty would taint the relationship. Finding pleasure in giving pleasure is its own reward.
2
The news regularly reports on the problem that children deak with. They are like fads. One week the coverage is on bullying, then gangs, then drugs and alcohol, now pornography, and so forth. Rather than addressing these problems one at a time as they draw our attention, there should be a curriculum in k-12 addressing them. Call it a curriculum in character building, morality, life lessons, ethics or behavior, it should be ongoing, not occasional seminars or guest speakers. Ideally the issues would be addressed by parents or churches. But, some parents don't have the skills or time to address the issues, and a majority of families do not attend church regularly. We need to teach children more than math, science, history and English. We need to teach the subject that supports all the other subjects, "how should we live?".
How very idealistic and removed from reality.
But yeah - great idea.
Now - since we have people who run this society and our educational systems who can’t agree on a single fact of life - and issues with regard to sex is only SLIGHTLY politicized ....
Good luck in fantasy-land !!
1
So, after wading through all the latest therapeutic and "non-judgmental" jargon so ingrained in today's academia, (where the only sin is to have objective standards or to suggest something might be inherently damaging, or heaven forbid addictive for some males), I finally came to Mr. Vernocchio's statements. At last a ray of common sense and light.
Yes, says he, it is misogynistic and false and a barrier to healthy relationships. It should never be a form of healthy sex education for adolescents, who should learn about tenderness, care, mutuality of pleasure, and respect for women. They should learn about the plumbing to be sure, but also how to have safer sexual contacts and only fully consensual ones. STD issues should also be in the curriculum.
To think before reading this article I considered myself a moderately hip middle aged married woman with kids in their 20's and had no idea what a "facial" was... I think I was better for it!
6
re: About two dozen selected high school students attend every year, most of them black or Latino, along with a few Asian students, from Boston public high schools, including the city’s competitive exam schools, and a couple of parochial schools.
This selection of predominantly boys of colour is concerning.
When I was on the board of a local outreach program for sex workers I often heard women commenting that it was the white university student johns you had to watch out for when it came to being assaulted on a "date".
On occasion at school, my 14 year old son who is originally from Ethiopia is singled out along with his fellow classmates of colour for "special" events. Most pertain to issues faced more by people of colour but from time to time this kind of misdirected selection for programs related to some form or another of behaviour not sanctioned by society., occurs. Rightly so, at those times my son asks why the white kids aren't involved too. He never gets a straight answer. Sometimes, he is able to summon up enough courage to refuse to participate for that reason but these activities can take place without the foreknowledge of parents (a generic consent form signed at the beginning of the year is said to be sufficient) and he finds it extremely difficult to not simply go along with what the adults in charge have set up. In the end, he is left feeling angry and humiliated.
3
Pornography and erotica have been part of human culture since we developed creative powers in pictures and words. Both form a part of the human response to sexuality, and a large part of their appeal is that they are subversive. It was true 500 years ago, and it is true today, except the subversive quality bucks the blanket of political correctness dictating what is acceptable in sexual relationships, hetero and otherwise. Most functional adults recognize the difference, and for most a few years wrestling with the demands of adult relationships and domesticity informs us that the infantilism and caricatures of sex in porn and erotica are, well, dumb. But so is the view of relationships in treasured fairy tales like Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or in deeply romantic films and literature.
The problem isn't that porn and erotica exist, but that children and adolescents have been abandoned by an adult society no longer comfortable about rules and constraints to hold back adolescent sexuality until youth are more mature. Adolescent brains do NOT function the way adult ones do: there is a very significant shift in judgmental capacity between 16 and 20. The adults, to be fair, are on the losing side of mass advertising/entertainment/technology making billions off the sexualization of youth.
There will always be a side to sexuality that finds expression in porn. The id is not politically correct. The abandonment of adult responsibility for youth is by far the greater social ill.
6
I am so glad you wrote this. I don't know how to talk to my two sons about it since the last thing they want to do is hear it from Mom. I am sure it is true that the porn influences the kids (boys and girls) regarding what they think they are "supposed" to like, even if they don't. Girls have a hard enough time already telling boys what they do or don't like. This makes it much worse. For everyone.
11
When you go to the theater and see, for example, Sweeney Todd, you don't then turn around and start murdering people, because you understand that theater is fiction, not reality.
In my psych classes they taught me that it was absolutely normal and indeed common to have sexual /fantasies/ about behaviors you wouldn't try and wouldn't enjoy in real life. Normal people, of both sexes, can even have /rape/ fantasies, and that's perfectly okay -- as long as they know the difference between fantasy and reality.
That's the central point about pornography that kids won't get without an explanation: The /point/ of porn is to embody our fantasies, not to embody our actual behavior. Just as in any other play or movie, the actors are /acting/. It doesn't matter that porn is (often) gross, and I think it shouldn't even matter so much that most porn is misogynistic, as long as you don't take it as a guide to action.
Maybe what adults need is some education on what it means that teenagers have to be protected from sexual fantasies, but it's fine for them to see fantasies of violence, all the way from cartoons for little kids through video games to R-rated (but teenagers see them anyway) horror movies.
18
A few recent opinion pieces explained the perspectives of grown women who developed early on a language for understanding relationships and sex from perspectives that respect women and their needs. When they were teenagers, they read romance novels. Perhaps these teenagers should get a few of those to read instead of watching porn. Even better yet, the sensitive young man who is interested in exploring with a girlfriend might read with her!
4
And then she can watch porn within him, I suppose. Neither genre is any more realistic than the other.
3
What are we doing to police the internet for children? We should all be ashamed of ourselves for letting it get like this. We protect kids from guns, smoking and drugs by (hopefully) not making them readily available, yet we buy them phones and computer are given at school which provide instantaneous constant access to this garbage. It really needs to stop ....parents have to demand legislation and better control features from phone manufacturers. Believe me, the type of parent control tech that's out there is not effective.
9
When you find a girl you like and might want to get very close to, look into her eyes as you kiss the inside of her wrist. That could be the beginning of a truly mutual relationship.
5
Sexuality Takes No Prisoners Part I
I think there should be an after school program that teaches students how to critically examine cultural assumptions about pornography. That said, Jones’ article uncritically reiterates the ancient complaint that pornography is antisocial and thus dangerous. Anti-pornography feminists and the most puritanical of puritans share the belief that pornography erodes social bonds by influencing people to act on their desires rather than repressing them, causing society to deviate from its intended path, whether this takes the form of unintended pregnancy, divorce, or venereal disease. As Robin Morgan said, “Pornography is the theory and rape is the practice.”
The dirty secret about porn is not that it isn’t realistic, it’s that our sexual desires are not realistic, and that sex itself is anti-social. Indeed, for all the article’s emphasis on how porn isn’t realistic, it never makes sense of the fact that realism is irrelevant to porn’s efficacy (except if realism is what turns you on). Different people are turned by different things, and sometimes those things do not quite jibe with bourgeois respectability. Furthermore, Jones, as countless others before her have, puts all the blame for unhealthy expectations about love and romance on pornography when culture at large, the dream factory, pumps out fantasy after fantasy to the impoverished consumer (see the line where the film Mr. & Mrs. Smith is mentioned in the same breath as pornography).
14
Indeed. Superman wasn't realistic either,
but more than a few of us grew up with him --
happy, productive, and with healthy ambitions
to propel us faster than a speeding bullet.
7
Beyond developing a skewed understanding of actual sex and of real women as human beings, I wonder if many young people come to rely on the pleasure of self-gratification with porn (which makes no demands and can be experienced with a feeling of total safety) at the expense of forging and maintaining healthy, real-world intimate relationships (which can be difficult and demanding, albeit much more deeply gratifying). Yes, there might not be data demonstrating that porn is "addictive" (whatever that means) but one could still argue that it subverts normal human sexuality by providing an alternate pathway to a different (shallow and temporary BUT guaranteed and available-on-demand) kind of pleasure. It's worth observing that the interests of the porn industry dovetail with people's being isolated with its images and not their communing with partners. (I'm assuming that the two modes usually are, in practical terms, mutually exclusive.)
8
I'm shocked and disappointed to hear that sex education isn't required nation-wide.
In Chicago in the 60s-70s, I had it at my Lutheran grade school in third grade. Then at my public high school in 10th grade and also at my public university senior year.
Surely, our nation has gone backwards.
9
Too much information.
3
Complaining that porn reflects male fantasies is like complaining that romance novels reflect female ones. It's kind of the entire point of the genre. Erotic material is not necessarily good or bad. It all depends upon the person viewing it.
10
Thank you for this article. One day after I read this on NYT, my 7-grade student mentioned about porn and how one who ever watched would never forget about it.
I think he's clueless on how he should react to porn and his hormones. He's also curious on how adults react to children knowing about such stuff. He's a typical naughty young teenager. And somehow I think he needs more explanation than just a shrug or scolding.
He's just a kid in 7 grade after all.
4
Is pornography legal? In any case it should be removed from the internet.
The internet will eventually have to be under government control, as it is in China now.
Our freedoms will be curtailed but losing porn will be one benefit.
Cold but necessary comfort.
The interweb has been abused for politics, porn, false advertising and more. Something must, and eventually will be done.
Let’s figure out how do do it without becoming an autocracy.
3
“There’s nowhere else to learn about sex,” the suburban boy told me. That's the problem. If kids were taught about healthy sex in specific terms then porn would have much less interest. It's hard to imagine that happening in this prudish society. However, unless we get over thinking that kids won't have sex if we don't talk about it, porn will continue to be sex education for American teenagers.
11
I felt sick to my stomach when I saw this. I took me a couple hours before I could get myself to read it. And when I did I had to print out a copy (without the pictures that triggered old images in my mind of porn that I was exposed to when I was a sophomore in high school).
The objective of the "Porn Literacy" project by Emily Rothman is shocking. It "takes the approach that teaching them (teens) to analyze its message is far more effective than simply wishing our children could live in a porn-free world." That may be true, but the proposed alternative still misses the mark.
Porn addiction is merely symptomatic of a greater problem; the distortion of sex and the objectification of people. But the roots go even deeper than that. What studies get to the root of the issue? What is the heart of the issue? Is it not an issue of the heart (i.e. the deepest part of the human soul)?
1
Very little can be done about teenagers watching porn. Clearly problematic.
Greatly skeptical that well-intentioned academics have a good solution.
2
I doubt you have any solution to offer at all.
There's a podcast called 'the Butterfly Effect' with Jon Ronson; a fascinating look into the origins of Pornhub and how it has (mostly) adverse effects. It brought up some very interesting facts, like how today's youth are more likely to be impotent, its correlation to porn addiction and how the inability to interact with real women becomes more widespread.
7
While those teen males, (even young still bad men and in need of being reprogrammed by women, ideally feminists) watch porn more than teen girls, and thus developing "inability to interact with real women" ... difference in rates between sexes is not that great .... so can that be that women "have inability to interact with real men"? Or it all, yet again, goes only one way? Really?
1
I just watched On the Waterfront, considered a great film. Marlon Brando has made Eva Marie Saint afraid of him, and she locks her apartment when she realizes he's coming over. He kicks the door in. She runs for the bathroom, screaming for him to stay away. He catches her and grabs her and pushes her to the floor. Their lips meet and they grab each other in bear hugs and kiss fanatically. One of Hollywood's great love scenes, but a crime today.
6
Unfortunately our youth are targets for Drug sellers ,booze sellers and sex sellers . Porn is plain nasty ,there's no education there for youth. I always thought first base was a fine place to start ,if one could make it there ,leaving it up to the young girl you may be enamoured to . and Bernsteins West side story is far more romantic than the jingle jangle stupid sounding porn tracks. I ve never lacked in the sack much and Ive never liked porn nor found any need for it.
4
A lot of gay anal porn is also really bad and takes advantage of a lot of young men. Anal is a very high risk activity. In addition, anal is not necessary since men who have sex with men can engage in consensual frottage (e.g. genital rubbing) instead of anal. Males who are anally-receptive also experience pain a lot. In addition, like women, they may also have to deal with things like anal fissures, torn rectums, injuries (and sometimes even the need for surgery), the need for medical treatment, AIDS, Hepatitis C, the need for a liver transplant and/or expensive medications, incontinence/leakage, and other STD's, infections, etc.
8
Safety from porn for kids is a sad joke in the extreme. The old idea that money is at least a barrier (pay to have access) is equally unrealistic. For example, as anyone who has a Tumblr account knows, porn material and images, on any conceivable sex practice known to man, is available for the effort of looking it up in Google + "tumblr.com" - and there it is. Stuff that was available in vast quantities ten years ago, is now quantumly increased in quantity and variety, but now with no real walls or barriers whatsoever.
It's not about kids watching porn anymore. It's about keeping kids from tripping over it. Just wandering around on the net is now all it takes. Education is a must, as morally sound family principles or not, kids surfing some of the most popular sites out there are going to find hard core, even the most brutal stuff, very close nearby.
It's not much of a stretch to say, if your home is on the net, then porn is in your home already. The sooner education and open discussion acknowledges this fact, the better the response will be.
5
While I have some sympathy for the goals of "Porn Literacy" it seems a bit over thinking. Can't you tell teens that porn is acting. Leaning to have sex via porn is like learning to drive via "Fast and Furious" movies. Neither is a realistic depiction.
6
For many, in particularly young males, who are - as we all know - more visually oriented than females - porn videos are to a logical sense a useful "How To" technical manual. It might sound like "women objectification" but while girls are, not only in K-12 "creative writing" class "more expressive" in describing heroine's or actor's feelings, those simpleton boys focus on "action", technical parameters of tools involved.
Then, not only one of the biggest money making, female dreams pumping up Hollywood romantic porn, 50 Shades, shows, both girls and boys, young and not so young, what submission even today "cool woman" desires.
So, there you have it. Again.
"Can't you tell teens that porn is acting" somehow brought to mind the image of Nancy Reagan in the 80s with her "Just say "NO" campaign. It makes for good soundbites but lacking any discussion of the reasoning behind the statement, it's generally ineffective. The program described addresses the reasoning in a way that has students actually involved with arriving at the conclusions
If it’s illegal and immoral to have sex in public then so it should be on a screen.
The phone screen is now public, not pubic, space !
1
This reminds me of an incident about 20-25 years ago when I was on a crosstown 23rd street bus in Manhattan.
As we passed the local Time Warner cable studios across the street, one of a bunch of 12-14 year old boys on the bus exclaimed "hey that's where the Robin Byrd show is." The Robin Byrd show was (and maybe still is) the "Channel J" (local access) porn show, with Robin Byrd hosting it in the nude, as best as I can recall.
I remember thinking to myself that I could only imagine what it was going to be like to later be one of the poor girls who had the misfortune to date one of these boys, who I suspect were getting a lot of their "info" on male/female relationships from Channel J.
1
You are apparently not - among other things - not a parent or parent of a boy, otherwise you will not let out such sexist, offensive nonsense.
1
Kind of bizarre that in this entire article involving porn, sex and education, there isn't a single mention of HIV/AIDS, HIV transmission, safe(r) sex, etc. Why? Are educators that blithe and out of touch today? Because people of all ages, including the young, are still seroconverting to HIV, often because of inadequate education about how to prevent it.
6
The pictures in this article and the other article the NYT is running on teen porn consumption show pictures of sex acts where the image of a woman, presumably in the throes of ecstasy, is prominently displayed. There’s another article in the Times about exercising that shows a row of several people in a spin class. The one woman in the picture, sweaty, lithe and wearing only a sports bra, is in the front obscuring the men in the shot. I see a pattern and I don’t like it.
36
But as you might know, media business is, especially now, extremely tough business to make living in, so .... standards go to lower common denominator.
1
Perhaps she was leading the class.
1
These misguided kids are what a society gets when it hides away the whole world of normal sex (birth, menstruation, copulation) as if it were something shameful and disgusting. The wages of Puritanism is desperately pornographic joyless sex. Where’s Margaret Mead when we need her?
[18.0208:1638]
22
This ridiculously long and graphic article is absurd. I'm not a prude, but I've got to ask: is this really what passes for journalism these days?
20
Is there anything in this article that doesn't correspond to your criteria of "journalism", and if yes, what?
As to its length: it's a NYT Magazine article, and newspapers publish magazines precisely to be able to go more in depth and publish longer articles.
Finally, how do you want an article about porn and what adolescents think when they say it and do with what they say, somehow avoid words that to you apparently are "graphic" ... ?
The only way to make men understand what is acceptable, when it comes to having sex with a woman, and what isn't, is to educate them. As the #MeToo movement has shown, doing so is extremely urgent, as there are clearly a lot of things going wrong here.
So the only way to stop man from DOING "graphic" (and immoral) things, is to start TALKING about what they're doing, so that we can learn where exactly things go wrong in today's sexual education, and how to correct them. This article simply allows adolescent boys to "tell it like it is" for them - even though for some it might not be "politically correct" ...
13
You are oh so unoriginal to say, even on this topic that "we need to educate/remake/train boys and men".
Fortunately, in this "culture" one gender is always virtuous, the other one always villain or bad need of reshaping.
Besides: Who raised those bad boys/men especially at their most formative years? Fathers are not allowed because they have to "provide for the family" so that their wives "don't need to count every penny" and can afford things as the businessman's wife next door.
Eye catching stuff is a command: Publish it or perish.
1
The Author failed to mention how Rap music has objectified and violence toward woman
Recently I was in a trendy hip place having dinner and they had hip hop rap playing ..... "bend dat ass and POP it" with a deep bass beat over and over . Teens listen to this in an almost Pavlovian way . For me looking into my bowl of chili and listening to these lyrics made me push my chili away
34
The locker room is now a very quiet place.
The young have reacted to the outsize expectations from hip hop and other music lyrics by becoming shy. Everyone wears towels compulsively and very few chat except for the foreign language speakers. They seem more immune from this social weirdness.p
5
You dare not to criticize rap and hip hop "music" or "culture" as not treating women right or teaching men to be bad, also toward women. Rap and hip hop is after all "towering achievement" of a culture and if one find anything not exactly right, or sexist etc. in it, I am sure PC will explain you it is inevitably white patriarchy's fault.
5
You are right in your observation. We are back in Puritan orthodoxy, this time driven by litigation and political correctness run amok.
1
"...I might say, ‘I’ve seen this in porn — do you want to try it?’"
"Sex" can refer to a form of reproduction (meiosis vs mitosis etc.) and its anatomical dimorphisms--male vs female (only two, hermaphrodites excepted).
"Sex"also refers to a form of play--Orgasmic Play (OP). Madam Mother Nature tricks "breeders" (as homosexuals say) into the former by wanting the latter. Homosex is dysfunctional--as reproduction but not OP.
Male/female (a dichotomy) relates to reproduction; Masculine/Feminine relates to OP and is spectral--from hyper to hypo. Their distribution in a population is mapped by overlapping bell curves--hypo masculine is feminine and vice versa. On average men are bigger faster and stronger (BFS) than women. But the BFS women outrank a huge % of men. Masc/Fem applies to most human attributes from head to toe and to total packages. Supermodels are rare and hyper.
Gender art traditions from surgery to makeup, costume, song, dance, scarring, piercing, tattooing--aims at enhancing Masc/Fem and OP.
OP--is "play" as in (a) for fun, (b) ritual/drama/game/courtship behavior (c) playing instruments. We (and captive animals) learn to play mind-bodies (his/hers) by trial and error and by watching movies--from Disney to Porn. We learn to play the plays, who gets off on what, while looking for kindred spirits.
But even non-violent fantasy OP can be addictive and destructive of real mind-body OP--by displacing it. It can insult those displaced by virtual cheating.
5
I hope no one is actually shaving a vulva. Check the anatomy. Yikes.
11
October 11, 2017 NYT Magazine cover story: "More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety." Little wonder.
9
I don't have kids, thank god! I think the salient point of this article is that internet porn is so ubiquitous and available that it's really difficult for young people to ignore. And if they can't ignore it, it's going to influence them one way or another.
As a non-parent my observation reading this is, parents don't talk to their teens about sex. They will deflect to other side topics like abstinence, or chastity pledges or threaten their kids not to get pregnant (my parents) or not to get a disease, or be a slut, but they don't get 'technical' with their kids. And I understand and sympathize with parents this must be really difficult for them to talk about. My parents didn't! But this *is* the parents job. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to teens.
11
I am not so sure (your "Thanks God" for being childless) that when you will be at your late years you will feel that way. It will require a lot of denial as continuity of life is natural and deeply encoded in us.
Hope that your parents do not tell you they wish not to have you.
Anyone who watches Sports Center and believes that a whole major league baseball game will be filled with just as many thrilling moments needs a lot more than a Sports Literacy Class. Anyone who watches a professional porn video and thinks that real sex will always be like that needs a lot more than a Porn Literacy Class. And any journalist or educator who lauds gay male porn that is full of anal penetration, as a confidence builder for gay teens, but decries heterosexual porn because of a rising amount of anal penetration, needs a refresher course on taking bias out of his or her writing or teaching.
8
I actually wonder that your - extremely relevant comment - made it through the "review".
1
It’s important that porn consumers understand how much of it is smoke and mirrors. (My experience is with gay porn but some it has got to apply to straight porn.)
Take height. The average male porn star is probably 5’7”, but the audience doesn’t know any better because all the actors are short; there’s no frame of reference. This is important for a couple reasons. First, it gives the illusion of a bigger penis; the same size appears disproportionately large when it’s attached to a much smaller body. Second, it is much easier for shorter men to build muscle mass. That’s one of the reasons so many look like extras from 300. Studios reinforce these illusions by explicitly lying about the stats of their models. 5’7” becomes 5’11”; 6” becomes 8”.
The other reason for godlike physiques is steroid use. It’s rampant. I’m guessing it plays a role in the increased mortality rate of male porn stars. (Thirty year olds should not be dying of heart attacks.)
The illusion also includes narrative. For example, a lot of gay men fetishize heterosexuality, probably in part because of the lack of out and proud conventionally masculine celebrities/role models. (There are no gay “leading men” because coming out is a career killer.) Studios, especially the faux-reality/“amateur” kind, concoct these absurd “straight” backstories for their models. It’s super unhealthy.
It was only after trysts with a few performers that I realized all this. The majority of consumers never learn the ruse.
9
If pornographers realized how many women watch porn, the would make it more equitable. Statistics anyone?
5
It’s such a sad sad day when a reputable newspaper must publish an article that is itself practically pornographic (complete with images) to convey a critical issue: that porn secretly and systematically destroys society by undermining dignity, familial relationships, self-respect, and love.
I’m glad the NYT started the conversation, but could not stomach this disgusting and overly graphic article. The article is traumatizing enough. On the other hand, perhaps some people needed a wake up call to see where society is going? Still much of this was not in good taste and seems too aligned with the agenda of porn-education, which is ultimately pro-porn. Children should be educated in RIGHT and WRONG and then PROTECTED to the greatest degree possible, not armed only with some silly “education” in how to tolerate and discuss inhumane deviance and then just surrendered to this greedy industry. It’s time for a crackdown on this industry which exploits men, women, and children. We are all victims (I’ll always remember my college friend crying and crying feeling so shamed and personally demeaned after her group of guy and girl friends sat around laughing at a pornographic movie that showed violence to a woman). Enough innocent children violated! Enough women subjugated! Enough men addicted! Enough HYPOCRISY among so called feminists! Enough is enough!
13
I believe it was Grace Slick who said, “After twenty minutes of porn, you want to have sex like crazy. After two hours, you never want to have sex again.”
18
Of course they are watching, I would have too. On the positive side, they are pretty good sexual anatomy lessons. Who knew what or where a clitoris is? Not part of my school education. Porn with no relationship skills outside of physical is not productive. I recommend an appropriate film, which got little notice: "Don Jon" wherein Joseph Gordon-Levitt learns how to progress past his porn fixation to a real love life. An excellent film for young men and women.
5
I recently started dating a man who I dated for several years back in the 80s. I knew he had an interest in, let's say, more creative intimate activities.
He is much more interested to explore these things (not that there is anything wrong with that) and I wondered if it had played a part in his long marriage. His response, "I've watched a lot of porn and I guess I am a lot less inhibited."
4
I find it perplexing that we are becoming so civilized that we cannot simply fix our eyes upon the source of the problem and address that. We have become the people of pedestrian and confused paths. You cannot do and watch. You are either on stage or in the audience. When so much of our civilization is watching screens, rather than doing the daring do's of this life, non-life pedestriana is a natural result. This is not good.
Also, people are taught to be passive in the raising of their children because others know best. When parents have been taught to let others teach their children about so many things, is it any wonder that others also must teach them about the most fundamental aspects of being human?
The fact of the matter is this--young men are being sent mixed messages, and the future will reap the consequence. Porn ought to be abolished. It is a warped commodity peddled by the crooked to the crooked and to those they seek to make their disciples. The quiet victim of trafficking is not the willing participant they portray, but the woman who stands with upraised arm and gets paid well and proclaims it equality and freedom for her sex is duplicitous in their endeavors and is guilty of teaching young men a warped view.
The only reason porn has not already been abolished is that far too many men, far more than are willing to admit to it, are watching. Now it isn't just someone else's daughter, mother, or wife suffering for their pleasure. It is also their children.
8
Goodbye innocence, goodbye childhood. How can one be so glib about the emotional and mental well being of our most vulnerable and innocent? Why is it ok that they are given almost unfettered access to information that is damaging to healthy development? This is acceptable because why? They can't drink or smoke but, by god, its ok to have access to porn. Come on people!
12
The pictures with this article though? You couldn't find shots with men's mouths open, their butts in frame? I hope you at least checked to make sure these images were not of underage girls/models/actresses since so much of porn these days is "amateur"- stolen/coerced/illegal imagery of exploited girls.
Where is the analysis on the sheer amount of porn produced and from where/what circumstances it is sourced. I'm an ex stripper pornographer and I will tell you, for every Oberlin educated feminist english major choosing the profession, there are 100 neglected/abused exploited - if not enslaved/trafficked girls/boys/children and women behind the explosion of online porn. The niche of various hardcore or purely violent/rapey material has expanded beyond any market that would occur without porn addiction and the mental illness associated with it. Like phones, games and all the rest- we are dealing with addiction driving a sick market. Think about the army it takes to make all this- not just whether it is a good teacher to good kids with caring parents.
22
Thanks for writing that comment
4
What struck me is the scene of a (presumably) female (Maggie) reporter, likely in her 20's or 30's sitting in a room with 14 year old boys talking about porn and sex.
This is not exactly a controlled scientific sampling, from the sound of it.
7
I weep for our sex addicted society. Hedonism at its finest.
5
Weep again. It's not the sex but the commodification of sex that is most destructive.
1
The scenario in which teenagers are asked how much they would have to be paid to kneel while a goopy substance is poured over their face leaves out an essential aspect of the real-life situation. In the real-life situation, you know you are giving pleasure to someone whom you care about very much (and if you don't care about that person, what are you doing there in the first place?). Not everything can be reduced to physical sensations.
2
I don't want to be a defender of porn, but I have felt, since adulthood, that porn is mostly a teenage obsession. I'd hate to feel that, in the real world, it is only adults that "understand" it. Porn has been marketed, and packaged (Playboy's literature pages anyone?) as an adult thing, like cigarettes, and kids are the ones most likely to be suckered into giving it a try, 'cause "it makes me feel mature". It is a microcosm of the real world. Porn stars are actors, and if they didn't act like they were having fun, they wouldn't have the job very long. It is also a world where "if you can think it up, it can be made real". In other words, it is a world far less based on reality, than on fantasy, good or bad. I am a bit surprised that anybody would think porn really reflects a reality, other than a reality we must face about our own fantasies. There is a lot about porn that I cannot understand, even in my 50s, and so be it. It is an industry catering to many different interests that only shares sex in common. A few years back I watched a couple of porn films and I was disgusted by what seemed to be the trend of gagging during oral sex. If it didn't have some sense of acceptance, it would not be there. I remember being told when I was in college, a second hand quotation from an advertising guru, that if you see an ad on tv more than once, it is successfully selling the product. We don't all like the same things, and that is something we need to accept.
4
"What Drew needed was a girl who was open and honest, as he was, and with whom he could start to figure out how to have good sex. It would take some time and most likely involve some fumbling. But Drew was O.K. with that. He was just starting out."
I'm with Drew. Sometimes nature has a way of teaching us everything we know. I do not know a single person who was thrilled with their first experience. But I also do not know a single person who let it dissuade them from trying it again (and again and again..).
Maybe with the ubiquity of hard-core porn, the equally hard-core education about porn as described in this article is necessary. If so, we really do need to expand the idea of "safe sex" in sex education to include realistic expectations about sex. The expectation that one has to perform like a porn star has to be terrifying whether the novice is female or male.
3
The choice of images to go along with this article have really made me angry. Pornography is seriously destructive and altering the lives of teens and adults. Yet you include images in the article that are cleaned up versions? Are these screenshots? Every image is of a woman having sex. All this talk about the affect it's having and at a time women are finally being listened to. Really poor, insulting choice of images.
19
Thank you, Ms. Jones, for your excellent reporting, observations, and prose. This is a very helpful and (weirdly) reassuring piece for me as a parent, a feminist, and an educator (not in this field). I look forward to reading more of your work!!
7
How utterly heartbreaking that this entire article, and the spectrum of earnest, well-intentioned educators and advocates it interviewed, never once used the word "love." The closest we get is "mutuality" and "connection," and those are distant goals, apparently. And not one of them seemed to understand the fundamental reason why porn is sad, damaging, and degrading: because it objectifies human beings for the pleasure of others. Lowered expectations here, folks...lowered all the way to the gutter, where our children should be taught to wallow "critically" and "with consent."
14
Same as smoking meth, dissolves lipoids in the brain, depletes vital oils in the spine and brain. If you want to be dumb, sick and useless keep doing this. If you want to be one of the great scientists or artists in the World, then don't. There is a choice, it is simple. That is all the article needed to say. Not all that waffle.
7
Citations to articles in peer-reviewed scientific journals, s'il vous plait.
2
Oh, this makes me so sad! I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s during the sexual revolution. Boys had to call you on the phone and actually talk to you. Then if you liked them, they asked you on a date. You got to know each other and if you liked each other you “made out”. If a boy was your serious boyfriend you slowly “learned” with each other. It was so sweet and totally consensual at each step. There was no pressure to know “how to do it.” You let nature and pleasure take its course. I know teenage boys looked at Playboy or If they could get their hands on a Hustler that was really dirty! I am glad I learned about pleasure the old fashioned way.
14
The world has finally figured out that there are humans who have sex before they are married, and even before they are 18. Many of those same humans are curious about sex long before they have it and the Internet is very accessible to them.
I have read some of the doom and gloom comments and know that those people are going to spend the rest of their lives disappointed in humanity.
As for me, I am glad the young people are talking openly about pornography and about sex. The best gift any lover can give is to care about giving his/her partner a fulfilling experience every time.
3
Here's what I learned from online porn. Porn is pretend. Porn is performance. Porn (much of it, anyway) is paid professional product.
Don't watch an MLB home run hitter blast a few, and then suppose you're going to knock one over the wall, as well. It doesn't exactly work that way.
6
Adults - for whom porn is created - understand that porn is fake - it's fantasy. We are all alarmed that kids have access to it now. But blowing someone's head off with a gun, or slitting their throat, or any number of mutilations - is perfectly acceptable entertainment. The USA is very messed up in its love of violence and violent imagery and horror of sex and porn.
8
What does the word pornography mean? It appears to be something that, ironically, is commercially ubiquitous and yet occult. Why?
A broader definition of pornography might be, anything that is taken out of context for the purpose of exploitation, manipulation, or stimulation. Using this broader definition of pornography, eroticism is only one manifestation of pornography. How much of civilized society might fall into the category of pornography, and what does that say about our society?
1
I’m a 30-something that grew up watching porn. Thankfully, My parents were very open-minded and taught me that I should treat porn like any other soap opera and police procedural on television - that it is fake and I should not base my expectations and future decisions on it. Parents need to realize that porn is ubiquitous in the modern age and the sooner they teach their children between reality and fantasy the better.
8
One of the best, most useful NYT articles i have read was the comparison on how Dutch families handle sex education vs American families. The Dutch openly talk about sex with their teenagers, both the physical and emotional aspects. They openly talk about the importance of mutual pleasure and satisfaction. Dutch teens or young adults are likely to talk about their first sexual experience with their parents! As an American female, I found that shocking.
It is good to know that their are other, better ways, to handle sexual coming of age, which I am doing with my child. American culture still has queasy embarrassment, let's pretend it doesn't exist attitude towards teens and sex. Yet all the while sexual images..mainly of females...are everywhere.
We desperately need to change our cultural attitude and give our teens real information on sex and healthy relationships. If we had been doing this all along, we might not have the me, too movement and the daily revelations of sexual exploitation.
12
Too bad sex ed, if any, is hidden from minors when they need the information most. Yet they are subjected to religious indoctrination before they reach the age of consent and old enough to accept or reject religious beliefs.
Healthy porn should have healthy depictions of dialog, situations and elements that lead to 100% mutually consensual sex or that demonstrate a healthy progression that can be slowed or even stopped. Given all the confusing, ambiguous and conflicting signals out there - an unromantic NO could antagonize bad guys who interpret it falsely as actually meaning YES - anything that enhances communication and mutual respect for veto power of NO should be taught and demonstrated. Like Romantic Comedies do for dating.
Male characters in classic movies I see on TCM show men dominating women - even strong women - by forcefully kissing them, with the women melting in their arms. Today it would be considered assault. Al Franken grew up watching such films and male role models, and got into trouble - rightfully so - after emulating a forceful unwanted kiss.
The mainstream media pornography of death and killing is so gratuitous it has become banal. Indeed, it appears all the main characters in crime shows and super hero shows show them walking into any room with gun drawn. Non consensual real life violence seems to have a much bigger effect on our society and on how we treat each other and on woman. Look at Religion's misogynistic treatment of women.
8
Pornography is a great stress relief if you're old enough to recognize male fantasy from reality. I applaud efforts to teach these skills in class.
As for dating, I largely avoided women until mid-college. Until then, I found them to be destructive, feral cats: a confusing, confused, a distraction from academia. To me they remained so until their mid-20s when I found I could relate to them without fear of being attacked.
3
When my sister was around twelve, our cousin, who was in her class, told her that babies are made through oral sex (he had learned of oral sex through porn). She knew nothing about sex, and believed what he told her.
This led to her being disgusted with my parents, to the point of trying to run away (If I had heard the same thing at twelve, when even kissing seemed gross, I'm sure that I would have wanted to get away from my parents too). From that time to around seventeen, her relationship with our parents took a huge turn for the worse... much more than the usual teenager/parent fighting. Their relationship has healed, but only after my sister was able to understand sex as a mature young adult. This was all because of some misinformation given to a child through porn.
I am a 22 year old female and could never be on the "porn is good in some cases" side of the argument after seeing how it led to my sister's innocence being lost in such a damaging way. And I certainly do not think that the answer is to teach kids about sex at a younger age to prepare them.
Let kids be kids! I was still playing with Polly Pockets at the age that some kids are being taught about safe sex!
4
I feel porn is generally positive. It's an aid for sexual expression, oasis for bad relationships, sexual frustration, incarceration, personal ugliness. I see tenderness in porn as well as violence towards women,etc.. I have many of the same criticism of Hollywood movies.
Porn is never going away, when men invented the film camera in the 1800's one of it's first uses was taking naked pictures of ladies. Articles like this attract those with issues, hangups to comment at length. Their conclusions are dubious.
5
I'm reading comment after comment and I have to say they are pretty old-hat and tired. As a young person (25), I grew up with online porn, though it was not as accessible for me as it is today for young folks. With that said I have seen my fair share of pornography and all different kinds of it from about the age of 12 and onward. Today I am happily engaged and have only had my one partner for the past eight years that I absolutely cherish. In no way, shape, or form did the porn I've viewed (and I've seen a lot) alter my view of women and relationships. Porn is fantasy for a reason -- it's not reality and does not reflect reality. Just because I've seen group sex, double penetration, etc. does not mean I expect or want my partner to go through that.
The arguments made in the comment section are reminiscent of violent music and television leading to violence. Not quite. The people who harbor hatred, violence, and disdain for others already have those feelings. No matter of media consumption will give a person these feelings. If a person watches rape, kiddy porn, or any other ILLEGAL activity then they inherently have a problem. From my perspective it comes down to parents teaching their children values and principles. Porn is not the problem, people are.
9
"“Like, how do you really know a girl has had a good time?” he said one afternoon, musing aloud while sitting with some friends before Porn Literacy class."
That's THE most important question here (together with, of course, "how do you really know a boy has had a good time?").
Often parents don't give any answer (probably because they never thought about finding an answer to this question in the first place), whereas sex ed answers all questions except for this one, and porn doesn't even start ask the question.
The answer is quite obvious though: the only way to find out is to TALK about having sex together, and to have a conservation that has exactly the same "quality" as any other conversation with your best friend: one where both partners are deeply interested in exploring each others' (and as a consequence their own) feelings and experiences, without judging, and with a "mindful" attention - as it's precisely this kind of attention that determines the extent to which you're truly touched and moved by the relationship.
Sex is just a different way to learn how to get to know yourself and your partner, so the more you cultivate mindful listening and a passion for respectfully exploring feelings and ideas and bodily reactions, the more each partner will like the way you have sex together.
Which means that of course, being intelligent and sensitive helps, IF you want the sex to be "deep".
Apart from that, each person is different and likes different things, fortunately!
3
The worst part about a teen's sexual ignorance is that sex is the way in which STDs are transmitted.
We (parents, teachers, community outreach programs) MUST educate them to have safe sex and, also, work on conducting mature conversations about this very human, potentially beautiful, act.
"Of the 12 million cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) that occur each year, 3 million (or 25 percent) are among teenagers. About 13 percent of youth ages 13 to 19 contract an STD each year." From The Better Homes and Gardens New Teen Book.
2
I have been out of school for decades, I remember the "sex ed" classes (early '70's) What was taught was not sex ed but reproduction ed. "This goes there and its over". The emotional and enjoyment factors weren't not mentioned at all. Aren't we supposed to enjoy sex? My childhood home never mentioned sex and Dad hid his Playboy mags but not well. So, left to my own devices, I figured it out. Some open honest instruction would have made things much more enjoyable.
3
Thank you, NY Times, for addressing the elephant in the room. Porn used to be largely shameful and hidden, now it's ubiquitous and mainstream. But the mainstream doesn't really acknowledge its ill affects. I'm the mother of two college age kids, a boy and a girl, and I've been concerned for years, yet there's generally silence on this issue -- nothing from school, pediatricians, media, fellow parents. When I bring it up with other parents, they generally deflect it, or seem unconcerned. Meanwhile, there's constant chatter about a range of childrearing issues, such as self-esteem, testing, colleges, anxiety, sports, bullying, etc. Are we not worried about kids as young as 10 seeing hardcore porn, stuff we never saw as children?? I think it's a head in the sand thing. I hope your article generates discussion!
7
I hope they're learning that Stormy Daniels will be the best first lady we've ever had!
2
I can remember when parents showed every emotion from scorn to fear, that us kids found out about sex from the same two sources where we learned "swear words"; from our friends or from "the streets."
Is it just me, or is it that kids like "Drew"
make past generations approach to sex seem quaint?
2
Porn needs to be explained as a means to an end. Teach the perspective that makes sense of it; they're only as real as any other movie.
Sex education should consist of these plain truths:
Men are notoriously unsure of themselves, unschooled, and confused about what's going on the first times they have sex. I knew the mechanics of what to do, but I had no clue as to what happens next. How do I act? What do I say to her? What should my attitude be? What about the next day? Especially the next day, when you're just walking to class together. What, who...not a clue. I was at a loss until I met the right girl. Because girls know.
The thing that boys/men need to know right from the start: Sex is shared equally by the two of you. It's not for you, it's not for her, it is for both of you. She has every right to enjoy it every bit as much as you do, and it's up to you to see that she does. And that's it. You can build your sex life on that; you can build your whole life on that.
It's simple truth, and ought to pass from generation to generation. Imagine the adult males that learn this as early teens. Imagine this truth ingrained in all men. It represents a great change in attitude and I am sure we would not have a societal problem like we do now.
Bonus:
Gentlemen, another truth that will become evident with this attitude: if your partner is enjoying the mutual sharing of sex as much as you are, she may look forward to as much as you do. And that's a bonus for everybody.
3
Porn has gotten more violent and shocking, but that is the point. Once something becomes the norm in porn, they have to step it up to make it more shocking and titillating so porn "connoisseurs" will watch. What new degradation of women in porn will this lead to?
I watched the documentary about Italian porn star, Rocco Siffredi, and was saddened by the very young actresses who worked with him. He made the comment they were the same age as his sons. I wonder if he had daughters instead, what his perspective would be. He gets many letters from boys watching his porn asking what to do about their girlfriends not wanting anal sex. He criticized Italian schools for not offering sex ed to explain that porn was just fantasy. I found that a cop out, blaming someone else for what he was causing.
Wouldn't it be great if "Porn Literacy" was made a documentary and required watching before you signed onto any porn site?
3
Couldn’t even finish this article, talk about TMI. This shows a truly sick and terrifying world in which romance is entirely dead. I’m sad for all those (and perhaps it’s all of us to carrying degrees) wounded by the evil porn agenda, which lures us from a young age, steals our romance and our innocence, renders us addicted and crippled at authentic intimacy and leaves us scarred for life. This is the single biggest blight of technology (far
5
what about husbands who demand more from their wives because of porn? the men who are not necessarily "beginners" but the men who want more as a result of more varieties of porn becoming mainstream. I think the porn industry is not only affecting teenagers but also lives within more mature relationships and marriages. Maybe women feel compelled to keep up with a more sexually active, younger online generation, or simply feeling the pressure to please their husbands increasingly curious desires from what they are accessing more easily online - all the while increasing anxiety, depression and reclusive behavior from unwanted sex acts and demands at home. Is there a #metoo hashtag movement for women inside their marriage? do we owe these experiences to our husbands?
8
This ghastly article makes me glad that I never had children. Pornography is nothing but an evil that celebrates misogyny and depravity.
4
I am a mom and have some advice in dealing with porn and your adolescent. First get netnanny.com, which is extremely helpful in blocking porn sites and also limiting your child's time on the internet. It's best to go on your child's browsing history first and use any porn sites found to help to understand the type of site addresses to block. Then speak to your child - but be understanding and gently vague about the fact that you are blocking sites on the computer. Don't say you found porn, just say you're not sure but you found some sites that "might" be porn (although you didn't look too closely), and this is why you are putting blocking software on the computer. This is less embarrassing for you both. Thirdly, it's good if the Dad and Mom talk separately to the child.
As the Mom, I emphasized that a lot of women (not all) doing porn are poor and being exploited. Also, I explained that porn is often unrealistic and that most women would not enjoy sex the way it is depicted. And finally, the odds on getting a real girlfriend decrease with watching a lot of porn. I used an old "Onion" headline to explain this, which was "Study finds that the number of naked pictures of women found in room is inversely proportional to probability of finding actual naked women in room." As the Mom, I avoided anything graphic in the discussion.
It helps to think of porn like lice. It's not a fatal disease, but you have to do all the tedious work to get rid of it in your house anyway.
8
Homo sapiens like our closest cousins, bonobos, are sexual creatures. Enter modern man. Kids are not sexual creatures. See the problem?
Kids are sexual creatures, they are curious, they have hormones, they are put upon the earth to reproduce. See the problem?
Water. Water will fill a void on this earth given a chance. A void. Kids will fill a void for information with what ever they can easily get their hand on. See the situation?
What America (USA) needs is art, lots and lots of art. Like the art in Europe, depicting the human body in a POSITIVE perspective - paintings, sculptures, murals. Second America needs "this is who we are" education, at school and and home.
Its deplorable we adults, society, walks away from our responsibility to instill reproduction in a positive manner - sexual and emotional intelligence - in our young. We are dropping the ball.
4
What a strange society we are. In High School we teach the students how to do most anything adults do - cooking, woodworking, printing, sewing, driving, reprting and the list grows every day. But the one thing which is never taught is sexual relations of any kind. We consider all sex to be pornographic, and we even refuse to discuss it. But for a great surprise, people, ask each of your friends how they learned about sexual intercourse......
5
THIS is what happens when you let puritanical religious nut-jobs gain extra-ordinary influence in a society: education regarding sexuality, which is one of the most important, complex and pervasive primal urges in our human world, is relegated to a "sex is bad: just say no" position in the public school system and easily-available sources such as the porn industry happily fill the resulting void. It's a well established fact that when children are taught both the general principles and the nitty-gritty specifics of sex, sexuality and healthy relationships, they chose to have less, safer, more responsible and more fulfilling sex than children taught "don't do it: its evil and can give you terrible diseases", and little more. Yet, religious extremists are not interested in facts - only doctrinal and other forms of "purity". Jefferson's proposed "wall of separation between church and state", has in recent years become a crumbling ruin, as the "religious right" becomes more and more involved in politics at all levels, gaining influence FAR beyond their numbers. I firmly believe that information should NEVER be withheld from children on "moral" excuses: it is nearly always desirable for even young children to be well informed, than for them to remain ignorant and to have to go to sources other than parents, teachers, churches, etc, in order to fill the void created by adults trying to keep them as ignorant as possible: ignorance does NOT foster purity - unbiased knowledge DOES.
7
This article needs some serious cutting back. I have a great attention span but found myself yearning for this read to end. Okay, enough already!
It is essential that ISPs give customers the option to filter porn at the network level, so that all devices on the network including smartphones are protected. Presently ISPs only offer filtering on each client, which is easy to bypass with a different device. Porn is silently destroying souls, and the Communication Decency Act should have been found lawful by the Supreme Court.
What is being overlooked in understanding natural desire is 200,000+ years of human EVOLUTION. "Sexual Selection" has created a "dyad" in which male and female evolved together in both physical appearance and strategy. Man wanted a healthy looking woman with a very specific hip to waist ratio in order to perpetuate his genes in the most optimal manner. Women wanted a man that would ward off other men and protect her offspring.
Yes, sex involves aggression, submission and dominance, but that was the playbook selected by BOTH sexes as necessary to perpetuate the species.
1
What I told my grandchild is that porn shows people with very beautiful bodies showing off how beautiful they can be while having sex. When it's real people who love each other making love, there is very little to see. It mostly looks as though they are trying to merge physically into one being.
2
As strange as this may sound, there almost needs to be a rating system specific to porn. I have personally explored about every legal “genre” of it and can see how young kids, especially male, could get the wrong idea. An attractive couple performing any number of sexual acts and positions that are mutually enjoying each other is vastly different from a gangbang that totally degrades the “subject” of the “art.” I really have no problem knowing my teenage son is looking at porn. What choice do I really have? I do have a problem with the content of what he may be watching being completely out of whack with what is considered normally sexuality that he may actually be experiencing sooner or later. I feel that most men that use pornography eventually settle into certain types that “work” for them and they settle into what they use. Kids on the other hand are subject to “trial by fire” of all the ridiculous, shocking, and unrealistic tide of garbage that is available.
1
Oh Brother. I'm sick of this new world. Finding a Playboy under someone's bed was a lot easier.
5
So to write this article, actually a Pornography 101 course, you convey perverted know-how for beginners?
This article is pervert propaganda for those decent people who never came across such disgusting behavior.
Why would you describe in detail the filthy acts and the acceptance of this as normal without condemnation?
There is no "Yum" in peversion.
And no, my dear NY Times editorial staff, presenting this perversion is not going to help parents or friends help those into pornography.
9
There goes the neighborhood Maggie. I have been reading the NY Times for 70 yrs and have read a certain sex act described as oral sex, fellatio but never a bj, spelled out.
I don't know whether or not to congratulate you for breaking new grounds or condemn you.
All jokes aside Maggie. It is the nature of the beast, ie for every action in society there is a equal reaction.
What I mean by this is that in the last 50 yrs. of society, women have probably made more strides in equality than in the previous eight millions yrs.
There is a problem with this. History has taught us whenever you go too fast with progress there is a backlash and progress is greatly delayed.
I think women realize this, ie because of their being tied to the bed and the kitchen, they rebelled with great anger and had their greatest success expressing that anger in the workplace. Men beware! You have to pay for your eight million yrs of oppression!
However after this anger, women come down to earth and realize viva la difference. Women will be women and men will be men in needed areas. Women still want to desired and pursued.
As a result of this, women will temper their anger in the workplace and let men be themselves on the internet, ie the most disgusting things are ok.
I got news for you guys and gals, both in the workplace and on the internet it is wrong.
Moderation on all sides is the answer.
3
I swear, I'm going to have to be the one to fix these issues with porn and sex-ed with the youth...
What is with this unspeakable GREY AREA? It is illegal for minors to watch porn, but hey, GREY AREA, let them anyway and just move on? Underage sex? GREY AREA, let them do whatever?
To protect the youth from being poisoned, the law ensures that any glimpse of genitalia gets censored, but hey, GREY AREA, if television plays videos of bikini-clad women rubbing their butts with songs about sex, they're less suggestive than a bare nipple on a breastfeeding mother?
Children, not just teens, are masturbating to adults having sex. Children therefore want to have sex with these adults or do these things with their peers.
I know this because I've been watching porn since I was a kid; for sure since I was at least 10 years old. The internet is easy: incognito, no problemo. However, porn hasn't given me a misunderstanding of real-life sex. My expectations hadn't been geared toward facials or gangbangs; those are just options.
I am an avid porn-watcher. Now that doesn't say a whole lot of good about me, but that puts me in a whole lot better position of understanding than the majority of you. That being said:
People claim to want to protect the youth, but they clearly aren't really trying. Problems arise when you have inconsistencies-- the GREY AREAS. Things are bad, but they aren't? Make up your minds!
It's not what the youth learns, but how they value the information.
4
This article should begin with a warning that it might sadden you and or disgust you. I had to skip many parts of it (its way too long... it could have made its point a lot sooner).
As a result, I might have missed an important point these kids should be made aware of and that is that many of these people they're watching on these porn sites have been sexually molested and/ or mistreated as children and are more likely to commit suicide as they age.
I hope I can erase the images this article created for me so I can once again achieve an orgasm.
7
Porn is not nearly so evil as the snake oil peddling conducted by the likes of the Graham crackers, the oral Roberts, Swaggarts, Falwell, or the Osteens. We need serious authentic sex education, rather than the “sex is dirty” preached by the mythology nuts. Sex is beautiful but it has very serious responsibilities. Like most young men of my era, born in the 30s, I learned about it from the kids I hung out with who knew nothing. The only valid things I learned was from “on the job” training. There has to be a better way, and religion should butt out.
9
So feminist and LGBT porn good, masculine porn bad. Did I really just read that? Just when I thought the Times couldn’t sink any lower...
11
There are categories of porn that are considered "female friendly". But they are the exception, and do show a focus on a woman's pleasure. Guys that are only concerned about getting THEIR rocks off I would consider selfish in most other areas of their life.
On the subject of educating kids, especially in our porn accessible world, good luck in the schools. A very vocal minority of puritanical parents with heads in the sand can establish policy for a districts sex education, if any at all. Education Boards often cave to these folks. Abstinence is one option, but to teach it as the only answer is a mistake.
5
Porn might be the solution to human overpopulation - how will boys ever impregnate a woman as long as they think her face is the target?
10
I was interested in this article. Very recently my I found my son interested in Japanese pornography. (a.k.a. Hentai) He said that he was bored with real women and that anime girls were "much more engaging." He just loves spanking the monkey to anime tiddies. oh well.
1
Someone I know just died as a middle-aged hoarder so addicted to masturbation that he rendered himself impotent and unable to having sex with real women. His end even more pathetic as he completely disengaged from his family while spending more than 10 hours, day and night, having cartoon cyber-sex while falling "wildly in love" with the "person" behind another cartoon, to the point of "marrying" and "moving in together" with that cartoon in that virtual world, including spending real money to pay for "rent" for their "love nest". All this while in real life he was dying, wasting those last months alone sitting in a room full of garbage and filth staring at a screen for hours having cyber-sex and computer chatting with his cartoon "love of his life" in his virtual romance instead of spending time with his wife and children who were heartbroken by his impending death. He could not care less about them as nothing was gonna get between him and his masturbation "fix". Regardless to what a person might be addicted to, a junkie is a junkie.
3
At least he died happy. (Apparently.)
2
@Isaac, I'm guessing you are an obvious troll the nytimes either didn't pick up on or wanted to print regardless.
Needless to say: speaking about your child's sexual behavior that way is inappropriate and disturbing. You indicate that you 1. Have viewed the "tiddies" your son "just loves" to "spank the monkey" to. Your child's developing sexuality should not be a light fodder for your musings and titillation. You sound flippant and like you don't care about your son's "boredom" with "real girls", so why are you involved at all. Get help and find a concerned trusted adult with boundaries for him to talk to.
4
"...I might say, ‘I’ve seen this in porn — do you want to try it?’"
"Sex" can refer to a form of reproduction (meiosis vs mitosis etc.) and its anatomical dimorphisms--male vs female (only two, hermaphrodites excepted).
"Sex"also refers to a form of play--Orgasmic Play (OP). Madam Mother Nature tricks "breeders" (as homosexuals say) into the former by wanting the latter. Homosex is dysfunctional--as reproduction but not OP.
Male/female (a dichotomy) relates to reproduction; Masculine/Feminine relates to OP and is spectral--from hyper to hypo. Their distribution in a population is mapped by overlapping bell curves--hypo masculine is feminine and vice versa. On average men are bigger faster and stronger (BFS) than women. But the BFS women outrank a huge % of men. Masc/Fem applies to most human attributes from head to toe and to total packages. Supermodels are rare and hyper.
Gender art traditions from surgery to makeup, costume, song, dance, scarring, piercing, tattooing--aims at enhancing Masc/Fem and OP.
OP--is "play" as in (a) for fun, (b) ritual/drama/game/courtship behavior (c) playing instruments. We (and captive animals) learn to play mind-bodies (his/hers) by trial and error and by watching movies--from Disney to Porn. We learn to play the plays, who gets off on what, while looking for kindred spirits.
But even non-violent fantasy OP can be addictive and destructive of real mind-body OP--by displacing it. It can insult those displaced by virtual cheating.
One of the talks I have had to add to my conversations with my daughter is about the distorted and sick view of sex porn shows and that how she will encounter very many stupid boys and men who think that is what sex is all about. Porn is demeaning and an affront to human dignity. We need to teach our young women to bluntly tell these boys and these men-children that they can go "porn themselves" as women are worth too much to be treated as nothing more than holes surrounded by meat ready to take their genitalia and their secretions.
6
Liberal morals at it's worst. Liberal democrats consistently disparage people who over the years have stated and believe pornography is not good for anyone.
4
I'm a male who grew up with the internet. My family was one of the first in our neighborhood to get internet access in the 90's, so we were the among the first in the world to have the internet.
The first time I saw porn was at a friends house, his parents were not the most educated, and they had the premium adult channels like Spice and Playboy. It was a bleached blonde with huge implants, and a extremely muscular white man jackhammering away. After seeing this I was hooked. My family did not have premium adult channels so I would watch the scrambled channels and would briefly see naked bodies having sex and masturbate to that.
Then once I discovered that there was tons of porn on the internet I obviously started looking at porn on the internet compulsively. In the beginning of the internet most porn was locked away in paid porn websites, which made it a lot harder to access. However, free websites with just porn photos started popping up. I would masturbate to those often.
Fast forward a couple of years when free porn videos started appearing on the internet. It was like striking the lottery! You didn't have to pay for premium websites or premium cable channels or buy DVDs or videos in a shady adult store. It was all free and anonymous. The videos were so much more realistic and stimulating than just photos. It was like being in a room, watching people have sex. It is extremely voyeuristic. So I became hooked on internet videos and masturbated to them often.
1
C’mon, Maggie. Give girls and boys more credit. Have you not been paying attention the past two months to the phrase #MeToo? I think the boundaries of appropriateness have been clearly defined well beyond whatever amplification you imagine this story’s ever going to have.
3
When did the Times start using such crude language? And, to be honest, the teenagers "quoted" in this article seem unusually naive and ill-informed. P.S. Were there parents informed of the interviews?
3
'Crude' language to discuss the crude? What else?
3
Of course the Trump administration wanted to eliminate sex education funding. Between the PPs (Puritanical Perverts) like Pence and the Genital Grabbers and wife beaters that comprise this White House, it makes sense that they would prefer porn as the default sex "education" for kids.
10
Really Paul you are going blame trump for kids going to online porn.....
2
Porn is ruining both men and women, because of its rampant and unchecked misogyny and deep, exaggerated gender stereotypes. It's like the whole rest of society is moving forward, fighting for equality and respect for all, and then there's porn, stuck in a time capsule of dominant, aggressive men and submissive, slave women. What's the point of trying to move forward and talk about consent, when our children fall back on porn to learn about sexuality and relationships, undoing all our efforts by absorbing the exact opposite message that porn sends? Especially since most Americans can't even bring themselves to discuss such an important matter with their kids to begin with. We can't expect them to fare well in the 21st century reality, when their understandings about sex and each other come from a fake world of cavemen entertainers.
Neither boys nor girls know what they want or how to act. They're learning that by copying behavior that's actually disturbing even to them, they push past their intuition telling them this is wrong, and mute their empathy towards their partner, ultimately destroying whatever inner potential for respect and self-respect they had. And, thanks to mobile devices and the internet, this is more widespread than ever.
It's high time we start holding the porn industry to the same standards we hold the rest of the entertainment industry. The basic standards of civilized 21st century society, where people act with basic respect, or else they are villains.
21
Teach our kids to recognize that many of the produced images they see on a screen -- any screen -- are staged and phoney, and maybe they will see such characteristics in porn, and abandon it.
2
"Teach our kids" is the crucial missing piece here. However, what do you do when so many people refuse to talk about sex with their kids, and refuse to let schools do it, too? Who else is gonna do it? Porn and the internet, that's who. So we should put some effort there, too. It's easier to regulate an industry than to talk sense into the heads of stubborn, squeamish, conservative parents who won't take responsibility for the future rapists and rape victims that they are producing.
1
Don't like it. don't watch it. Don't read it. Don't buy it.
Porn, like any other expression, doesn't need to pass your standard of healthy or good ideas. The idea that porn as a whole depicts "submissive, slave women" just isn't true. Porn comes in just about every flavor imaginable. The only common denominator is that it shows people copulating.
2
Well, we outsource real education to advertising and profit-making, in everything from climate change to history. Why should sex be any different?
9
Just advice the young to watch vintage from 70s' and 80s', where men respected women and women's enjoyment, where actors did act, often better than in current Hollywood movies, where there was film-making, and where, again, people respected their partners, their desires, and were eager to satisfy each other. That it's a serious craft and normal life was the premise of the industry of that time. The problem is in the changed culture, our contemporary culture as whole, not just a sex one.
4
Bringing up children should be done with a single objective in mind, and that is, how to make a good decision. We’ll never be with them 24/7, therefore instill in them at the earliest age, decision making skills.
Works every time.
6
The value of intimacy can and should be taught, and intimacy should not be confused with sex. Too many people confuse sex with intimacy, and the media and advertisers using sex to market products reinforce this idea. They are not the same; relationships thrive on true intimacy and romance. Intimacy forms a deep connection with another person that may or may not lead to sex. Intimacy takes time to develop through close conversations and taking time to get to know one another. Romance is something scared, romantic love - giving yourself to another person - embraces and values the pursuit of self-fulfilment as an individual. This actual goes back to the 12th century and the emergence of romantic love and literature. Ahhh, the poetry and literature of love. Try reading poetry to someone out loud on your first date and see what happens, you will be pleasantly surprised I bet. And in that process practicing intimacy and developing trust and affection.
9
Another strong argument for, finally, mandating well conceived developmentally appropriate Family Life and Human Sexuality education into our schools. If we wait until youngster's are in the 4th,5th or 6th grade and then focus mainly on disease and pregnancy prevention we are doing a disservice to our youth and creating an environment where their only sources of information come from the worst places. We can make a difference if as a society we accept that sexuality is an integral part of who we are as human beings. As such sexual thoughts, feelings and curiosities are normal and natural from the time we are very young. Let's encourage parents to begin communicating with their children as soon as they start asking questions like where did I come from or how come you have hair on your privates and I don't? Parents can provide the ethical, moral and religious framework and then schools can provide a cognitive and skills components to reinforce some of the most important information and context.
9
Spiritual books have mentioned again and again that lust,greed and anger are gate ways to ultimate disaster.Longer it is delayed the better it is for humanity. We realize , however, that on this earth these three cannot be eliminated in absolute.Our young are affected by all these from our TV shows, display in window shopping and anger at home and work places.The society as a whole should work to curb these three as much as possible.
2
It is long past time that we recognize the disastrous adverse social effects that widespread dissemination of pornography has had on society and the minds and spirits of young people. It is soul-destroying. It has crept into all aspects of media and advertising.
We will either rediscover the virtues of modesty and chastity or watch the continued de-evolution of Western civilization.
4
Any parent who wants to give their child the gift of an honest and comprehensive sexuality education needs to find a Unitarian Universalist or United Church of Christ church. These two denominations have created a multi generational curriculum called Our Whole Lives. Age appropriate lessons can begin in elementary and continue through adult. I have taught the middle school curriculum at our church; and although some of those kids went on to make some of the same mistakes we all did, I believe they all had a grounding that helped them grow into loving, respectful partners.
https://www.uua.org/re/owl
8
If there are Ethical Culture congregations in your community, they should be considered, too.
What a helpful suggestion. And the Unitarian Universalists are open to all faith backgrounds.
1
By now, we have over a half century of sex-education "experts" flitting from fad to fad, with the latest being "Pornography Literacy Curriculum."
Yet, if we are to believe the media, sexual crimes permeate our society at unprecedented levels.
Sex education itself is not a bad idea, and in fact, I believe the vast majority of parents would support a curriculum based on commonly accepted values of avoiding teen pregnancy, STDs and abusive behavior.
Sadly, the sex-ed community is not fond of middle class common sense, instead pushing content that embarrasses and offends. Thus, large segments of the population either avoid these classes, or do not actively participate in them, if the classes are mandatory.
So the sex educators end up preaching to the converted, like the sensitive - but credulous - teens interviewed in the article. The rest of the teen population remains susceptible to the main current in sexual attitudes today, which is: "anything goes."
Those teens who are less sensitive and well-meaning, however, folloest of the teen world goes with the dominant attitude to sex in society
How are adults supposed to educated kids about sex when they haven't figured it out themselves? The most any of us ever seem to accomplish is to forge our separate peace with it. And, of course, sex is just the tip of the iceberg that includes generation upon generation delusional confusion over what love and marriage are or ought to be about. Just encourage them to talk among themselves. Maybe their generation can get it right. Though I wouldn't place any bets on it.
5
Home and school education are necessary but "not sufficient". Faith in a Creator who has made sex a wonderful gift for mankind when used properly and within clear boundaries, is the "sufficient condition" that young people need as they enter the age of puberty.
The beautiful principle that mankind was created in the image of God has been dismissed by the secular culture, and replaced by the Darwinian claim that we are nothing but glorified apes.
Unless that claim is challenged, no regulation can stop young people from pornography...
Kenell
Maybe faith is a good thing. But faith has been perverted and made ugly by its most ardent promoters.
Faith has been crushed and thrown from the church by Catholics and Evangelicals of a certain persuasion, along with God and love for humankind.
Today we are plagued with church leaders who demonstrate sex of the basest kind in their daily lives, applauded and promoted by soulless followers
We hear sermons about the venality of secular society and the sin we commit, not following them down their religious rat-holes.
We hear them extol a God who never set foot in a holy place, and damn us from a bible that never existed in heaven.
The church today, the church loudest and most virulent before us, is a nest of self-loving men and women, convinced of their own sanctity and certain they read the mind of God, that they are appointed to judge mankind.
The church today is the new Inquisition, set on forcing its wizened vision on the earth and persecuting all those who fail to agree. It is not a place to send my brothers or sisters, my children for guidance, for comfort, even for safety.
Show me the priest, show me the Evangelical leader who is punished roundly and publicly for his or her sexual sins, and maybe we'll talk.
I hear nothing but degradation in talk of mankind in the image of your God and your ridiculous dismissal of Darwin, a most religious man, as if he too was not a creation of God.
You see devils everywhere, but you never look at yourselves.
2
There is something soul-crushing about being used as an object, something to extract pleasure from. I never felt that way during but sex until I dated a middle-aged frat boy. He was into porn, as we're all of history friends. That's when I realized that porn was having a profound negative effect on not just sex, but relationships between men and women.
My daughter are entering a sexual world where respect for women's feelings is much rarer than it was when I was young. It's not just about sexual satisfaction; porn affects how men think of and treat women in romantic relationships and even in non-romantic ones. Porn is powerful and it's shocking that we haven't addressed its negative effects until now, This article was much needed.
12
Sexual relations are the part of our lives that can be the most consequential for women: disease and severe illness; violent and non-violent objectification; pregnancy; motherhood and the accompanying life limitations which attend its rewards.
So it is important that women be honest with ourselves about if, and under what conditions we want it, and not let some, usually male, societal expectation control our thinking about this. We need to rid ourselves of false consciousness, letting male needs and expectations control our lives.
These people are doing good work in attempting to combat sexual propaganda from structuring young minds while they are at their most malleable.
8
Sad irony:
In the 1950's/60's when many women were still being taught to save sex for marriage and pornography was hard to find in many places (as was much sex education), romantic depictions of heterosexual relationships flourished in popular entertainment, particularly cinema. This combination of prohibition-and-mystery with depiction of emotional bonds as primary was deeply erotic for many women. Had it been paired with an understanding and lack of shame about female masturbation, it could have grounded powerful sexual/emotional bonds between men and women.
So glad not to be young now!
The article pretends to talk about "American teens" but instead it talks solely about boys & their views on girls.
While it's critical to have this conversation - especially how porn gives boys anxiety due to unrealistic body image (a near-uniform 'look' of buff, hairless men with large penises, despite having every type imaginable for women) - it also confirms the subtext in nearly every purported conversation about sex & consent.
The NYT barely interviews girls & the photos are all women. This speaks volumes. Girls have sex drives, & they watch porn too-how does it shape their own expectations? Obviously it gives girls as well as boys anxiety about body image (especially shaving the pubic area so it looks like a little girl).
But my biggest problem with porn is the obvious lack of pleasure both sides get--women obviously fake orgasms & dont look like they're enjoying it at all; men seem to act as robot-servers. Sex is also clearly passive on the part of women, whose only active part is usually oral sex for the man; then she lies back & moans. What message does this send to girls? That they have no agency nor do they have actual sexual desire nor can they articulate & act upon that desire (like, hey, I don't want to do oral sex. Or hey, I really *enjoy* this.) Finally, the women clearly usually want 'dominant' men who are very rough. Considering the popularity of 50 Shades as well, does porn feed twisted gender roles, or do women want 'dominant' men? Ask the women.
36
I'm afraid critical thinking is not on the curriculum for teens, these days, anymore than is literature, art, civics, or history. All they learn is get a job, get a job, get a job. Preferably using a computer. We are raising incomplete human beings.
7
ChesBay--I forgot to mention the lack of cultural literacy, among the young, which enables different generations to communicate with each other, and develop mutual respect.
Why is it relevant that Kyrah, a 10th grade feminist, has an "athlete's compact body"?
None of the boys interviewed were described physically. Given the subject matter of this otherwise well-written and important article, this gendered descriptor is jarring and offensive.
35
I thought this was really weird too -- completely unnecessary information and pretty awkward considering they were describing a child
4
"...eating chips and drinking soda..."
Also unhealthy.
3
I am disheartened at the number of people who equate porn and sexual freedom. I reiterate, all of these problems with porn stem from two aspects, one, a singular disrespect for another human being, and two a remarkable lazy parent population that believes in outsourcing the emotional well being of their children to any other source and then justifying it in pretty words.
I ask the Professors involved in such research and the people who have given their consent for their children to be part of these mind games, why stop at sex as interpreted by a money making market? Why not extend the experiment and now exhibit clips on how to murder classmates with guns or machetes. How to take drugs, where to obtain them. Then let's follow the behavior of this select group of children and see how they develop. Surely if you are parents who believe that ultimate freedom is access to anything that is developed in this world, you would have no objections to such experimentation.
I'll just go ahead and invest my money in the porn and violence industry which will now have the respectability stamp from a group of academics and deluded parents.
2
I feel like this article make the same mistake pornography does: it spends all it's time describing in great detail all the various acts seen in porn and yet never asks sex experts what healthy and life sustaining sexuality looks like. And then goes on to another sex act. And then another.
I would have much rather heard more about what this class is teaching these children about healthy sexuality and less about hearing what children think of very specific and explicit sexual acts in porn.
It also seems to miss the point that the teachers are trying to tell these kids - that it is more important that everyone is okay with participating and that full consent is given before doing any of them. Instead it seems to try to vilify the specific sex acts themselves. It felt really judgemental for the author to talk about some of the things people do in their own bedrooms as gross or degrading.
Anyway, I hope there is a follow up article that focuses more on the healthy aspects of sexuality that we should be teaching our children who have seen this sort of pornography. It doesn't do much good to just say "that's bad!" if you don't have something to point to as "good".
7
"It felt really judgemental for the author to talk about some of the things people do in their own bedrooms as gross or degrading." I couldn't have said it better myself!
The fact that porn stars are actors, and that the intimacy is not "real," makes no real difference to the viewer and the way the imagery invades their psyche. Professional wrestling is fake, elicits only a fraction of the dopamine production as pornography, yet folks all over the Southern United States become very emotional on the issue.
The only thing the article lacks is a discussion of the way an infinite number of novel sexual partners one click away overheats a young brain, leading to intellectual impairment and a brick wall in front of any real intimacy. Once we connect the dots in this regard, the depth of the harm done by pornography to young brains will finally become part of the psychological canon and we can move past this debilitating pastime.
4
I recommend the book Our Bodies Ourselves by the Boston Women's Collective. This book was a milestone in the women's liberation movement of the 1960's and will both educate and empower the young women that read it. American's seem to be woefully ignorant of human sexuality. This book should help.
3
The book would have been more empowering if the title had been My Body, Myself. The actual title that was used opens the door to the notion that individual women's decisions concerning intensely personal matters are somehow other women's business.
Here is another view, courtesy of The Onion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4kwk5jV2nU
There is a satiric point, or warning, to be kept in mind here: beware neo-Victorian over-reactions to what is deemed, sometimes even rightly, to be unhealthy aspects of pornography.
2
I have wondered about my own fantasies, shaped by hellfire and nuns. I'm pushing seventy, lived through the so-called "sexual revolution," during which guys bullied me about being "square," not believing in hippie "free love" unless I had sex with anyone who asked. What times are not confusing. I know what Bernie Sanders and Erica Jong tried to bring up in some of their work are truths we rarely discuss.
And everyone wants to be good at this. I used to buy all the Cosmos about pleasing your man—and I'm sure men buy the Esquires about driving your woman mad.
Some conclusions I'm holding at this point—1: Cosmo has been around for a hundred years. If that man could be pleased, he'd be pleased by now. 2: After two marriages, several affairs and dozens of strange adventures and escapes and attacks—all I know about the art is this: Every time is different. Even with the same spouse of twenty years. Every time is different. Whatever you think you might like this time—you probably won't be in the mood for that next time. So. I would say. To the best of my knowledge—I guess you just have to be aware at that moment of all the emotions and all the context. 3- By the time a woman is good at this—she doesn't care any more.
6
Tell your kids that pornography is like the car crashes you see on TV: sensationalized and highly entertaining but not the same as experiencing it in real life.
2
all of these desires are raw and honest and normal. you can do all these things if your partner agrees and you can take turns who calls the shots. fantasies can become real. y'all should validate these desires like you would for a marginalized group. all men, literally all, have these desires but many won't admit it.
2
I am the mother of a thirteen-year old here in France. I exemplify parental naïveté to the hilt.
I had found out by chance a year ago that my son was looking at porn sites on YouTube - this I had done simply by looking up the video history. Somehow with his unusual flair for IT - he managed to get through my parental control on the page and still access it. I then confronted him about it - he said that he was looking with a friend online and making jokes about their positions and what not. Yeah...right.
I honestly don’t know if they are looking at it to make fun. I had the discussion with him about what he saw...what it all means...why it is in there...that it is an experience meant to be beautiful intimate and not shared with the rest of the world... I also said that it could potentially be a reason why sexual violence and harassment are such a huge problem in this world. I punished him by forbidding access to his computer for a week.
Doing this in a country where the attitude to sex is comparatively more liberalized than in the US seemingly makes my ability to discuss such matters with him a bit more difficult. Porn is much more easily accessible here where I live - newsstands here often have the magazines in full view and not hidden away. Television programs that show sexual content are often shown at times when children are up. My son is not much into TV - he watches YouTube because he says the videos are more interesting.
Wonder what he means by that.
3
What if porn was attached to anxiety related to fear of death? There has been the increase as the world has become more and more saturated by fear of annihilation, whether one walks innocently to class, sits calmly in a classroom, or rides in a car to soccer practice. We are living in a world where death looms. Wage Peace.
Find something that appeals to (heterosexual) men.
Pathologize it. Make all sorts of assumptions about the morals or mental wellbeing of the audience.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
6
I've tolerated porn as a forgone conclusion for its overwhelming popularity, as the right of free speech/expression, even looked at some myself, until a parent with dementia developed an addiction. That'll make you think a little harder. In conjunction with a boss - one would never have suspected - now serving time in federal prison for trading child pornography and then acting on his desires in Europe, I have to re-evaluate the vast ocean of online video prolifically available to second graders v. sneaking the pictorial Playboy or Hustler from under dad's bed of another era.
What rabbit hole can our youngest and oldest, and others lacking in judgment, now find themselves in? What really happens to those 18-year old "actors" in their pending adulthood? Are they all "putting themselves through law school"?
I guess the future will tell us. I admit to not knowing whether this availability is fine or not. Maybe it is okay. I don't know. But I have become skeptical about porn, where I once was not. And I choose not to feed the demand.
4
Porn depicts fantasies -- and that's fine. Saying that it's bad because it doesn't depict real sex is about as useful as saying that science fiction is bad because it doesn't depict real life. The only problem is when people don't understand that there is a form of intimate, caring sex that porn rarely depicts -- but I'm not sure that porn has any sort of responsibility to inform them. This is the job of parents, frankly. If we have a dearth of parents in this country who are capable of such sex, then we need to address this issue directly, not make porn a scapegoat.
8
Great article. By refusing to talk or admit that teens are interested in sex, we as a society have ended up with a huge void and teens learning from the worse sources available. We need to talk to our kids, in our schools, with coaches, and at home, about good sex so that they get a much healthier view of this normal adult behavior. We won't get rid of porn on the internet, but we can balance the information available.
4
The concept of loving sexual intimacy as a component of sex feels so last century.
I'm not saying that's good.
It's another symptom of what we've become.
Rudderless. Disconnected from each other.
Every man for himself.
5
Its a highly unusual article in such a puritan and sex fearing country like america.
1
Kids have no idea how much porn their parents are watching! If the average age for male / female intro to porn is around 14 years as quoted and they become adults at 18 years the vast majority of porn is being consumed by adults. When we start to analyse consumption data of 30, 40, 50 year old people - a third of them women - we can conclude 'the kids have no idea how much porn their parents are watching'. An excellent and well researched / constructed piece Maggie Jones, congrats and thank you. Also love the artwork of Sara Cwynar - do check the 'Nudes' series by Thomas Ruff, an artist represented by uber-dealer David Zwirner.
3
Those who believe that internet pornography is degrading to women and teaches the wrong values to teenagers have an obligation to support pornography that promotes positive views of sex.
For example, the Times once had a story of a Unitarian minister and his wife in North Carolina who said that they enjoyed sex and they were producing videos to show other people how to enjoy sex. They ran in to some legal problems, as I recall.
I asked Andrea Dworkin about this example. She said that she opposed it, because all heterosexual sex is exploitation of women by men. She was a lesbian herself, and she only approved of gay sex.
Some kinds of pornography ares degrading to people and teach harmful ideas about sex. Some kinds of feminism, like Dworkin's, are degrading to people and teach harmful ideas about sex.
If you want to combat bad pornography, you should encourage schools and libraries to provide good pornography to drive out the bad pornography. Ask the Unitarians for advice.
4
We are quick to blame social media, but the phenomenon that teenage boys encounter in high school of girls liking bad boys who treated them badly has been around since time began. The good, sensitive, considerate boys are thought of as nerds and losers, the bad guys who smoke, ride motorcycles cut classes and are last to consider the women they date as equals have more than enough companionship. Too late it dawns on the women who date them that they are indeed the losers.
5
Given that pornography is widely available to young teenagers and is likely to stay that way, perhaps our society should start producing better porn that conveys better attitudes. I'd rather watch a better class of porn than most of what is generally is available, and I've had decades of active sex life. Society has a responsibility to make available images that are not aggressive and overly macho. What would be wrong with having porn that shows equality and loving relationships in which partners are respectful to one another instead of aggressive or passively accepting of being dominated? Just as health care should be removed from the profit motive, so should pornography. We need a healthy pornography that is available for those youth who are watching. Sex is not intrinsically cruel and should not generally be portrayed that way as it is in too much commercial pornography. Given the availability of porn, let's make it a healthier porn, both for adults and for the teens who are watching. This doesn't require regulation, just some people making better sites. I suspect such sites would be quite popular. In fact, it would be much sexier.
5
I find it disturbing that the only student in this article given a physical description is a girl: Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete’s compact body and a tendency to speak her opinions. Why are the boys, Drew and Q, not referred to by their physical attributes?
Also, in the Porn Literacy class, the writer describes that cultural values about how "beauty and bodies" change over time is illustrated through images of women. Are the students shown any images of men's bodies?
8
The article is carefully balanced, suggesting that porn may be used in healthy ways, if we are properly educated as to its potential hazards. We might say the same of cocaine, but we know better. Leaving aside moral assessments, and the relative dangers for children as opposed to adults, it is safe to say that porn acts on the chemical systems of many users in much the same ways as do highly addictive drugs. Porn conditions us to think of sex a means of self-gratification, rather than of sharing and love with another actual human being who also has needs. It makes sex into an end in itself, achieved not with a real person, but with pixels on a screen; into an objectification of a body, rather than a means of communication with another living human being, or as procreation, which after all is its actual purpose in biology. The “feminist” and “loving “ porn mentioned here, while less violent, are nevertheless still damaging, because like all porn, they promote the sexual objectification of people. Driving the popularity of porn are many untruths perpetuated by advertising and by movies and TV, the message being essentially that sex is the most important thing in life, and that we must have it. An honest assessment of porn reveals it to be an extremely dangerous element of our society. This needs to be stated clearly and strongly.
2
If we would bother to teach kids how to have sex in ways most likely to positively received by their partners we would eliminate so many problems. Kids watch porn because they want to know how to do it right (which is a disaster) and sex ed only teaches them about biology, not technique or what actual partners generally find pleasurable.
Why is this? Nobody would consider a driver well educated if they only knew the principles of the internal combustion engine, yet we act as if reproduction and STDs are the only meaningful issues in sexual education.
6
Porn is so popular because it responds to so MANY different needs that people have. It satiates curiosity, provides excitement, offers a release from life's usual constraints, yields some real information, and can distract from life's worries.
But I think it's fair to say that it also causes a lot of pain, confusion, loneliness, and loss.
There's no simple way to judge all the emotions and concepts that go into young people's experience of porn. But I think most people who get involved with it are better served by moving on to bigger, better, and happier things, and leaving it behind.
1
Don’t give your pre-teens smart phones. Push your schools to ban them. I have an 8 year old and am horrified at how our lazy culture has given up on monitoring their intake of media.
3
It's interesting, in the context of this article, that the Times recently published "The Rise of the Social Media Fembot" (February 4).
Women in porn are not agents; they are nozzles and drains, programmed like the voices of Alexa and Siri and countless other female machines to attend to men's desires, no matter how violent or selfish.
I am glad I grew up in the 1970s when there was still hope for actual relationships with real people.
2
There are two approaches to pornography, one it is the evil and the other is that it is not bad for you. The first one it is the denial of puritanism, that every thing that it is not in the bible it is bad. Well the bible was written from verbal versions and many of the modern technology and lifestyles did not exist. So it is pure delusion, pornography in many ways has existed in different forms and flavors from the beginning of humanity. The other side is that pornography it is not good because it distorts many images of what it is a normal relationship, and sexual normal satisfaction seek by humans. It creates stereotypes, and social pressure; to adults and even worst for teenagers, males without frontal lobe and girls that want to be feel important and above the rest. It causes addiction, which it is well documented. Therefore what can be the solution? Maybe a more restrict access to porn sites, in which at least it is like cigarettes and alcohol, you need to provide an ID for age limit, even though with these regulations people are able to buy alcohol and cigarettes. Yes it may be not perfect but it will help many youngsters that are susceptible to get addicted and feel inadequate. It will reduce some kind and level of violence in society. The bottom line pornography it is not going to go away, for many reasons and one of the main ones is what is corrupting and destroying this country:greed, ambition, power and different ways to make money. Those are difficult to fight.
Young people watching porn have zero idea of how it will change them as adults. Addiction to porn is real and starts at a very young age. It changes the brain, like a chemical addiction. And its is as powerful
I was married to, and divorced, two porn addicts. They are very secretive, as they know it is wrong. Their addiction, like all other addictions, leads to issues that ruin relationships, just like with alcohol, opioids, etc.
Porn addicts risk having underage porn on their computers, which can lead to jail time. Downloading free porn is a real issue, as young girls are often younger and not legal.
So if your child is looking at porn, realize that if it is YOUR computer, you could do jail time for it.
6
Of course, the APA does not recognize that porn addiction is real, nor do most properly credentialed and licenses sex therapists. And that's because it's not. The reason people keep their porn viewing secret is because they fear the prudish judgments of others. Secrecy is, of course, bad in any relationship and will always lead to problems (as any form of dishonesty will). But the problem is the dishonesty, not the porn. If people knew how to have honest conversations with themselves and their partners about the kind of sex they desire, that would only strengthen intimacy. But fear of rejection and embarrassment keep those conversations from happening. People who can openly and honestly talk about sex and desire with their partners often have the best relationships. Interestingly, I think you would find that many of those people exist in places like the BDSM and kink communities. Those communities really talk about sex and respect each other's boundaries. And many members of those communities have a level of intimacy and trust with their partners most couples can't even imagine. I think secretive use of porn is merely a symptom of a desire to have a different kind of conversation and relationship with one's partner.
A wonderfully excellent feature article! This article should have been published and republished during the last past two weeks of January during the two largest and well-known "sex conventions" -- XBIZ in Los Angeles and AVN in Las Vegas. XBIZ may have been the more successful or better convention/expo/show this year. Due to the deaths of four to five young female Adult performers over the last three months, there may have been a decided pall especially over the AVN Expo. The reporting suggested that there was not exactly a great vibe there in 2018. The venue(s) were unhealthy with smoke and flu having the event at the Hard Rock is old hat. Industry people want a new venue in 2019.
The industry is not going to disappear, but it needs shaking up, updating, upgrading, refurbishing, remodeling, etc. Adult is a nine billion per year industry which is stumbling a bit. It needs vision, innovation, creativity, and certainly some measure of the "Golden Age" when movies were written with scripts, plot, dialogue, production values and true Stars. No one is going to forget Marilyn Chambers and her peers and colleagues.
The Adult Industry stretches around the globe and far and wide. Even now domestic production is headed to Nevada since "Porn Valley" (San Fernando Valley in California) has closed some doors. There is work in South Florida and even in New York where some of the classics were originally shot by Radley Metzger and others. Adult needs fresh air.
1
From my perspective, this article adds literally nothing new or insightful to the conversation. It's just full of recycled info and data drawn from a myriad of research and discussion circles conducted over recent years. It is now 2018; what would be way more relevant, interesting and helpful in this day and age is research + an article comparing the effects of heterosexual vs. non-heterosexual porn on adolescents' perceptions of sex. Or maybe even how heterosexual porn impacts teenagers' discovery of their sexual orientation. or the differences in how heterosexual vs.gay vs. bisexual porn portray men's, women's or non-binary people's sexual desires. There are so many directions this article could have gone. The fact that this is a "feature" article is disappointing. If we keep repeating the same messages over and over again how can we expect to expand our knowledge?
1
I have had young men confess to me that after teen years of viewing pornography they were having difficulty with real life sexual relationships. Too many years of self pleasure - there are real consequences.....
8
we need to introduce human anatomy and sex education into our classrooms. some parents thought showing our physical build to children would only "encourage" them to have sexual activities. now we know, when children grow, they will be curious about their own anatomy and desire and experiment with them. wouldn't it be safer to teach them the correct ways ?!
Social media demands we discuss every single behavior under the sun. In the past people would not talk about sexual behavior out in the open. People could talk and solve their own problems about sex within their families and friends. Sexual thoughts and behavior is a compliocated issue. In a market based economy companies sell stuff people need and want. Whether people need what you are talking about is their business. As far as teens go, parents need to take a stand against whatever gets in their way of parenting their children. I did and we had few problems in the '80's raising our four children.
The outrage, distaste and hand wringing ignores the fact that online porn is a blessing for those who have spouses who are unable or unwilling to engage in sexual activity and those who otherwise do not have opportunities to engage.
4
The map is not the territory. Teach children how to give back rubs and how to give feedback, what hurts and what feels good. Our Quaker babysitter taught me and my sister massage when I was three and my sister was seven. This had a much greater influence on my loving than porno did.
5
So an article about how porn makes men insecure? Most porn is geared towards men why don't they ask for something different then
2
The sex ed wars will not end until people realize that teenagers are people with a right to have their autonomy respected. They have a right to the truth. They have a right to a sex ed that aims, not to control their behavior, but to give them the tools to make their own decisions. Because they have a right to make their own decisions about their own bodies and their own lives. It is NOT the job of adults to manipulate them into abstinence.
4
I’m not a playboy or a sex addict but I’ve always loved the thrill of adventure with beautiful women; as such, I’ve had a fairly large number of partners over the years. Based on my experience, I can confirm that many women do enjoy and get turned on by exciting, “naughty” sexual experiences. I have had partners who enjoy watching porn and actually want to try out the things they see on screen, “just for fun”. These women are very comfortable with their bodies and with their sexuality. But it would be a mistake to assume that “all women like it”. I have met many women who are much more shy and reserved, for whom sex is not so much an “athletic sport” but a very personal, intimate experience and results from building up an emotional bond and a close relationship.
As a man, you need to understand your partner and get a feel for what she likes. Never try to impose a dominating sexuality on a woman that’s not into that kind of stuff - you’ll just make her experience miserable and traumatic. That’s the problem with exposing teens to pornography too early - they will not be able to understand and respect the different boundaries that individual women have with their sexuality, and will make them into Weinstein-style, aggressive sexual predators incapable of showing respect for women.
It takes a lot more to become a great lover than just learning the moves from professional actors.
8
For the older millennials, who were among the first to experience mass internet porn, sexual encounters have been radically changed by porn. Much like the article suggests, expectations have become warped. It seems to me to be more important to educate, and to this end most classes involving sex fail. Sex-ed was never effective, and in light of the Internet age is completely inadequate. I do not have kids, but someday, I hope to have them and do not want them to engage in the world ignorant of one of the most important aspects of human relationships, sex.
1
a) article way too long b) possible correlation between this information/data and #metoo. perhaps girls like anonymous "grace" learn to give with abandon without the experience of fabulous receiving? they are left feeling exploited by sex, instead of liberated by nature's gift to our species?
Today’s sexual culture has grown out of a confusing, contradictory morass of ignorance, fear, myth, repression, and judgment self-servingly cultivated by organized religion for centuries. Despite how “developed or “enlightened” society has otherwise become, sexuality remains mired in a puritanical fog that discourages discourse, frowns upon feelings, and withholds basic facts.
I’m amazed how many allegedly openminded people, religious or not, still want to keep sexual discourse taboo. Such people often not only want to protect children from sex in society, especially porn, but also demand sex ed be left to families. Many (if not most) parents, unfortunately, are ignorant and uncomfortable about sex themselves, hampering their teaching ability. Thus, even today many adolescents don’t get any *useful* sexual education from an adult in their life, much less a chance to discuss those issues. Is it any wonder they turn to peers and, increasingly, the internet?
We should teach youth that sex is normal and intensely personal, deserving acknowledgement, respect, curiosity, and dialogue, all without embarrassment. Having long done the opposite, treating sex as bad/dangerous/inappropriate and trying to scare/shame kids away rather than teach them, the current porn paradigm is little surprise. In reality our entire society, from kids to seniors, rests on repressive sexual norms. Until we deal with those and untangle sexuality from morality, this issue isn’t going anywhere.
4
Great comment.
The availability to children of free endless amounts of internet Porn is forcing our society to adjust itself. I think bringing sex out into the open, no holds barred is a terrific idea. Giving context to what they see on the internet, just as we do with every other subject.
3
Religious-based sex education in one sentence: Sex is vile, disgusting, and dangerous until you are married then it's instantly loving and beautiful.
8
So sad! When I was a lad, we learned the craft of the artful dodger by surreptitiously obtaining and then trading porn mags
"Can they be taught to see it (porn) more critically?"
The long answer: No.
Do teens also watch more snuff films than their parents? What do they think about "Fifty Shades of Grey?"
And can media stop calling people who perform in porn "stars"? It glamorizes a very sad "occupation" that is not very likely a "calling" or a career "first choice" for these sex workers.
5
I think the problem isn't with porn per se, because individuals with sexual experience and knowledge can filter it, selecting only to watch fantasies that accord with their own tastes (while understanding fully that they are fantasies). But when kids see porn, they have no experience and no filter, and no way to distinguish between fantasies or even to recognize them as fantasies. It is a special case of a more general problem of kids believe they are learning how to live their lives by watching dramatic fantasies on mass media. Programs such as the one described in this article that are specifically aimed at helping identify the fantasies of porn are sadly needed and should be extended to lessons in how to interact with all forms of mass media.
1
Two thoughts:
1) There is something ironic about the implication, both in this article and in the comments, that porn has somehow diminished or altogether replaced sexual interactions based on love, mutual respect, consent, and intimacy. It feels like the liberal equivalent of conservatives' decades-long obsession with 1950s family values. There are plenty of self-respecting adult men and women who enjoy bondage, facials, kinky sex, etc., without being demeaned or dehumanized. If teenagers want to experiment with this stuff, shouldn't that be their right as long as they're communicating their desires effectively? For most of human history, people were too constrained by cultural or religious norms to be sexually adventurous — that is certainly nothing to celebrate.
2) I get that the majority of people are straight/heterosexual and therefore it makes sense to focus on straight porn, but in this several-thousand word article we get *one* sentence about how LGBT youth are using porn. And that sentence concludes that "for gay and bisexual youth, porn can provide affirmation that they are not alone in their sexual desires." Um, hello! This seems important! Maybe worthy of exploration?
5
There are so many comments saying that kids turn to porn for information because we don't teach them about it at school and at home. True enough, we don't teach them. But let's be honest. If they can find porn online, they can also find thousands of other sources of explicit information telling them everything they ever wanted to know. Girls in my high school years (I'm in my forties) read Cosmo and other magazines and the boys, well, we had plenty of sources too pre-internet. I think I knew pretty much everything there was to know about the mechanics of sex by 17, without porn or the internet.
Real sex took a little longer to master, and my wife might say I still have a lot to learn. ;)
My point is, kids could get plenty of information about sex without parents, teachers or porn. There's something else driving them to it, whether it's curiosity/pleasure or the porn industry's relentless marketing.
3
Well, we don't have a generation of males who have gone on to murder and mayhem after spending their youth playing violent video games. I expect we won't have a generation of men and women who think porn translates into real life.
All I know is that sex sells. As evidence, this is the number 1 trending article on the NYT's.
4
This is what happens when we live in a country that cannot decide whether or not sexual education has a place in schools. There is no national standard on what is to be taught in "health" classes and as a result, young people are presented with "options" like abstinence education, or, in the best possible situations, what Dan Savage refers to as "Sex Dread", sex education that focuses solely upon STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
We need a curriculum that speaks to sex, not just heterosexual sex, but issues like masturbation, experimentation, consent, and intimacy. What does healthy sex look like? How can we promote healthy, enthusiastic consent between young people?
Our current system is a failed system in which parents expect the schools to deliver the dirty details and which school expects parents to provide the pernicious aspects of sexually active lifestyles. Everyone expects and everything falls short and our young people turn to porn as an example.
The centre cannot hold.
4
I'm 60 and most of what I get to do in relationships is say no to things. In college (no, stop trying to grope me); in grad school (no, I'm not interested); on the job (no, that salary is too low); in long-term relationships (no, I don't want to be your girlfriend forever, I want a commitment).
A lot of people expect women to say no more often. But here's the thing: saying no is only slightly more empowering than saying "ok". Saying "yes" is a bit more empowering. But true empowerment comes from not simply responding to someone else's request (giving or withholding consent) but in making your own needs clear and asking for what you want.
Women do not have agency on this. We don't get to ask the questions. We get to respond to them. The day that changes, everything else will: porn, sexual assault, sexual confusion, and men looking at women and wondering "is she really having a good time or is it acting"?
2
The difference between porn sex and real life sex is that porn sex is fantasy focused on an individual's needs, while real life sex ideally involves couples who think about each other's needs. It appears that porn sex leads to less empathy, which is not what the world needs now.
2
There's evidence now that pornography reduces sex drive and contributes to sexual dysfunction. So while it may contribute to sexual violence, it might also reduce follow-through and promote passivity. It's hard to say which influence predominates.
We could stand a few generations of reduced fertility rates, however. There are too many people in the world already.
Pornography didn't create, but it certainly promotes, the notion that sex is something you (men) do to somebody rather than with somebody. If you view women and girls as victims of sex, sexual violence is not a big step. In fact, mainstream movies may be more guilty that porn movies of conflating sex and violence (there's not much violence in pornos--that would involve plot development).
2
I'll share here a recent editorial that I wrote that resonates with this same topic: http://www.charlotteobserver.com/opinion/editorials/article198117804.html
1
At one time Playboy was considered porn.
In the late 90s Donald Trump appeared in a Playboy porn video.
Vanna White appeared nude in Playboy.
Was that porn?
Porn has been part of human culture ever since there was a human culture.
Fact starting around the beginning of the 20th century youth has been isolated from sex in any form. Which came first the chicken or the egg and no one mentions the rooster.
Is there too much nudity or not enough?
Phyllis Diller said the only reason clothes were invented was to cover up old people.
Not defending or condemning.
Thank you for taking on this topic.
The world's two biggest lies; Disney and Porn. You do a great job in pointing out how Porn is a lie. I am impressed how the young man questioned if girls would really like and act like in porn.
This, in my opinion, is one of the top handful of serious issues facing society today. The fabric of family and human intimacy and relationships is being stretched and torn by porn. We will see the full result of this influence as the young generation growing up with porn access and repetitive viewing become adults. I would love to see funding of research on this topic so we can see what the correlation is between porn, the breakdown of the family, and violence against women.
In addition to the general impact of porn across the board, it is my opinion that Larry Nassar is the product of his porn addiction. Did he have to act as he did and become an abuser? Of course not. However, I have serious questions about if it would have happened if he were not also addicted to child pornography.
Great article. I would love to contribute to groups looking to support research and reform of laws governing pornography.
2
This article is ridiculous and makes the bizarre assumption that porn, because it is online, is somehow more ubiquitous or 'damaging' to young people than it was in the past. Porn has always been here and always will be. From the late 1800's when the penny arcades displayed crude porn images to today, the delivery vehicle might have changed, but not much else. In fact now, it is in some ways less ubiquitous. Back in the good ol' 70's there were porn theaters everywhere and 42nd St. was the 'playground' that it no longer is today. Nixon's famous porn study found that porn was not particularly deleterious even thought the results of the study were spun so that the Right could claim moral outrage and the sexual high ground. So all you out there, who think you have discovered something edgy and raw and salacious and demonic, relax. We all have a fond place in our minds in which the gutter is familiar and welcome.
2
"porn as a how-to guide"? Oh dear Lord. Our society is in BIG, BIG trouble.
4
What a disgusting article. The parts I managed to be able to read left me with pity for adolescents and disgust for the adults whose adult acts these kids find so mesmerizing. This toxic brew with eventually destroy healthy relationships and attitudes toward human sexuality. The 'free' internet ends up costing us an enormous amount. Lack of self control, immorality and instant gratification are destroying our society.
2
Unfortunately we live in an exceedingly prudish society which makes it nearly impossible for children and adults to learn accurate information about sex, sexuality, and human bodies. This aspect of our society also makes it nearly impossible for sex partners/lovers to easily communicate directly and explicitly about sex--despite the fact that mutually satisfying sex (and any type of truly intimate relationship) requires open and honest communication.
I try to teach my college students to question everything and understand that we are all vulnerable despite whatever masks we may use to make it appear otherwise. I also teach them the basic scientifically established facts about gender, sexuality and sexual pleasure to enable them, if they choose, to become more sensitive and critical thinkers who can sexually interact effectively with others by not pretending to be invulnerable or sexual experts. This requires throwing out the mental schematas garnered from Hollywood and porn films and just allowing your partner to really see who one is so as to build trust over time, as it is trust that enables deep vulnerability/intimacy.
Not surprisingly the research on the topic does not support the belief, too often portrayed in film, that strangers can have great sex--in fact, the research more often shows that married/long-term couples are more likely to have more and consistently better quality sex than singles, particularly singles who have sex with sequential sex partners.
3
We are now living through a great social experiment. What affect does hardcore porn, violent video games and sensationalized action movies have on the minds of young children. The children of today are inundated with the Stuff.
I predict a disaster, with children experimenting with sex at a much earlier age and having no understanding of the ramifications physical or emotional , I also predict more and more school shootings, till every school in America has the same security as a prison
This is a whole new age, the internet and smartphones bring all the worlds information to your fingertips wherever you might be, unfortunately this garden of eden of knowledge comes with a few snakes lurking in the grass, one of which is pornagraphy, which is warping young minds and destroying a whole generation of children
1
-Is grateful that the first time I pushed the "on" button on a computer, I was 32.
Then again, my father wrote for "Cavalier" in the 60s and 70s, so light porn was always around our house.
What was truly helpful were the ten years of Tantra groups I participated in.
Procreation is easy - the dog does it, as does the elephant and the mouse.
Sex is a life-long discovery, with many, many teachings, some going back hundreds of years, to learn how to truly pleasure a partner, and oneself.
It's worth the effort!
Sorry to break it to your dad, but no one actually reads the articles.
There is a world of difference between showing naked women and what we see on the Internet today.
I don't know what you would call Internet porn, but "healthy" doesn't come to mind
Trump is incredibly hypocritical to advocate abstinence education. He is, after all, the guy who claimed that AIDS was his personal Vietnam. He of all people should understand the need for a comprehensive sex ed program.
2
hmmmn, i think it's a pascal quote..."all man's problems come from his (prounoun whatever) inability to stay quietly in his room"....2018..."and off the internet"...
1
This is such a sad story. So many young lives are being ruined by the scourge of porn. So many are being lured by this counterfeit version of what should be beautiful. Instead, they will carry the baggage and burden of this into the future and negatively impact not only themselves but all those they come into contact with. This is truly from the pit of hell.
3
So you are not condemning porn, but you should
All you need is to watch the recent award winning series on sex on Netflix: or shows an insiders view of the industry.
And it is over the top nightmarish.
As one of the hosts of these girls in Florida says in stark honesty, the average lifespan of these girls in the industry is 2 months
2 months
Then they are considered used up and done
Even if they are 17 years old
Meanwhile the very sane just explains and shows the other truths:
He's got an endless feed of applicants
He fools them into thinking they will all he famous (the currency of our day)
After taking them out jet skiing and partying in the first week then they put them to work
After being used and abused
Given diseases etc
They are sent on their way
He estimated after two weeks everyone on their hometown knows what they are doing
These girls start showing up for jobs with one camera in a room and an old man with $400 to pay them as some of their porn jobs
This is a nightmare job, and you left wingers are trying to say it's "work"
Just like that created the promiscuous atmosphere that green lighted the exposed sexual abuse lately , now they are working on justifying one step short of slavery
Jus watch a truthful documentary and learn
4
Porn aside, main stream movies, most marketed to young men, reveal dysfunction. Girl meets boy, doesn't like him. They have an adversarial relationship through circumstance or plot points. Boy aggressively approaches girl and she resists, then inexplicably gives in. They go off into the sunset together. Is it any wonder young, especially white, men feel entitled?
2
I know of a man who's entire life was upended by porn. Addicted to the point where he could not save his marriage. Or, himself. He, literally, married the porn. This infatuation materialized not in the present with visual stimulation streaming free but when he had to sneak around in the 60's and 70's to porn shops and the excitement of Times Square. And here we wonder whether today's kids are being shaped by all this stimuli? We're shaped by our experiences and the people who raise us from birth. Yeah, his troubled mom and dad did set up the stage. The proliferation of the magazines, Playboy bunnies and 'harder stuff' completed the picture. The 'hard porn' taught him it's OK to be misogynistic. He was a grade A student. Once kids are exposed to unhealthy stimuli, it's not something they're going to forget. What does it say that we're panicking to inform these kids that the porn's not real. When we call the 'actors' stars and they get paid by a performance scale. I am left wondering where are the parents, grandparents, caregivers. This overall isolation is plainly the culprit. Otherwise, the kids would have someone to look up to and, more importantly, be there for them when they are confused and answer the complicated questions about growing up.
1
According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) who uses statistics from the Department of Justice:
"The rate of sexual assault and rape has fallen 63% since 1993, from a rate of 4.3 assaults per 1,000 people in 1993, to 1.6 per 1000 in 2015."
Considering the fact that internet porn didn't exist in 1993 and is now available to literally anyone, that is a remarkable statistic.
How can we say porn is turning boys into sexually deviant thugs when the rates of sexual assault are trending down and rates of porn consumption is doubtlessly up?
3
I don't recall the article saying or even implying that porn was "turning boys into sexually deviant thugs." As I read it, it was concerned that both boys and girls mistook porn for real sex, leading to confusion, disappointment and undue pressure for both of them (but especially girls) to act a certain way and consent to certain activities.
I don't think you are making the opposite argument - that porn has led to a decrease in sexual violence against women? Certainly that is due to changes in social mores, including a strong push to educate people about consent.
Porn is no more fake than the paperback romance stories or Romeo and Juliet.
Except that Romeo and Juliet encourage and glorify suicide, a much more concerning issue for teenagers.
Similar to the opioid crisis is the pornography crisis that grips the nation and is changing moral parameters with unknown effects.
The constant non-stop bombardment from commercials to movie trailers to ads. Hollywood has poisoned the American family with their rabid depictions of violence and sex. Even the news shows have the TV anchorwomen throwing their legs at us. This new anything goes, metrosexual liberalized unisex morals will ultimately cheapen the concept of family.
1
Watching pornography leads to unloving relationships. You do not care about the other person, only about how sexual they are. Real life becomes a disappointment. That is what teenagers who watch porn have to look forward to. It should be illegal.
2
Isn’t this piece like twenty years too late? Speaking as a guy in his mid thirties...
I am more bothered by the portrayal of sex in American television, cable and movies. 1)Longing stares 2) Crashing together violently with a teeth shattering kiss 3) Tearing pants off 4) Moaning and completion in ten seconds. Anamalistic, no foreplay, no lovemaking, immediate thrusting (is she supposed to be lubricated already?) Bra not removed. Man or woman who does this or enjoys it? Climax in seconds, a recipe for dissatisfaction.
If this is the sex education for our young people then we are lost. Making love is slow, tender, luxurious, touching, caressing and oral attention all over the body, and naked. Also preferably in bed, not in bar restrooms, car seats, on tables or up against a wall. Yuck.
3
This missed the elephant in the room. The porn industry fuels massive industries of sex slavery, human trafficking, illegal prostitution, and drugs. Watching porn makes you a willing participant in that story, either directly or indirectly depending on what you watch. It's hard to find any ethical justification for feeding that beast.
9
“Let’s move on,” Rothman said quietly. Alder had just inched across a line in which anatomy rested on one side and female desire and pleasure on the other. It was a reminder that as controversial as it is to teach kids about pornography, it can be more taboo to teach them how their bodies work sexually. “The class is about critically analyzing sexually explicit media,” Rothman told me later, “not how to have sex. We want to stay in our narrow lane and not be seen as promoting anything parents are uncomfortable with.” Daley added: “I wish it were different, but we have to be aware of the limitations of where we are as a society.”
And that of course, is where this whole concept of "porn education" is not
realistic.Kids can't be told the truth about the pleasurable aspects of sex
in a realistic way because their parents won't allow it.So here we are back
to square one. The primary object here is don't upset the parents, the needs
of the kids are secondary.Kids really need to know the truth about sex.How else are they going to know the differences between real life and porn?
I think this whole concept is almost as bad as "abstinence education".
2
The pornification of desire is a theme as old as Augustine. Also, thank you Sexual Revolution for numbing us to our humanity:
http://churchlife.nd.edu/2018/02/02/the-pornification-of-desire/
This is one of the saddest pieces the Times has ever published. Porn is not sex education, but fantasy. No wonder young men and women are confused about boundaries.
7
Ultimately, hyper-capitalism ruins everything - up to and including Christmas and the 4th of July - by shoving it down ones throat (no pun intended). Why should sex be any different?
2
How is it possibly legal for there to be no firewall of any sort between young and porno?
1
This article is so puritanical as to be risible.
Well meaning people keep ringing their hands over how “degrading” porn is to women. I suspect what porn gets at is men’s and women’s desire for sex to feel submissive and dominant.
If porn is okay for the LGBT crowd because it makes them feel their desires are normal, why is it not okay for heterosexuals? I grew up in a very feminist, modern environment and felt ashamed that I craved dirty things. The first time I read a bodice ripper I felt so much better.
Feminists can be no different than the Catholic Church in instilling guilt. If your mom and teachers are feminists, then only “equal” sex is okay. The clitoris is sooo important supposedly, and should take precedent over penetrative acts.
If sexual submission is okay for gay men, though, it has to be okay for women. But feminists are not comfortable with the implications of this.
Lots of women want to be submissive in bed, and I would assume that lots of men enjoy (responsible) dominance. Educators don’t have to go around destroying this idea for young people — because that’s what they’re doing. They’re not just destroying porn, they’re helping people feel guilty and ashamed about what they desire.
And maybe liberal, white bread, consumerist feminism does have a problem. Because what if lots of men and women discover that it’s okay to engage in their sex roles? What if women decide to be housewives because it’s hotter? How much of identity is sex & desire based?
5
How much of porn is really about subjugation and cruelty towards women, under the guise of sex? Couple this with the misogynistic gaming culture and the hypocritical religious right that denies youth all responsible, useful information and there you have it: the Recipe for Rape Culture.
Kudos to the porn literacy crew; at 16 & 17 we should be letting kids, not parents, choose what they want to learn in school and make these options available.
2
The current generation of youth, the first to be completely immersed--mired, in fact--in digital technology, can't be blamed entirely for learning about human intercourse, sexual or otherwise, from machinery. (They don't call it laptop for nothing.) It's a shame in a way, but you must admit it's safe--as long as the curious notions of how to treat actual other people porn may inspire are not carried out.
Online porn, easily available and much of it free, won't give you a disease, sue you (unless you try to welsh on the paid sites), wreck your career (unless you're caught checking it out at work, or unless it involves minors), say no retroactively after saying yes, or result in an unwanted pregnancy. The real thing, conversely, has become so hazardous in recent decades that it's small wonder people are taking the five-finger discount on intimacy. But at least the "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" generation got out of the house once in a while.
9
Wait till virtual reality porn comes along with near life-like images. Kids won't stand a chance.
4
What people seem to ignore is that "pornography," as the roots of the word explain, is the graphic depiction of the things prostitutes do to please their paying clients.
These are business transactions in which only the client's satisfaction is important. The prostitute/porn performer is usually pretty detached from the scene emotionally but fakes pleasure because that's what the client usually wants. Sometimes the client wants pain and dominance, and then the pro simulates the reactions appropriate to that scenario. The customer is always right.
This is not a model of a normal human sexual interaction in any way. Most sex acts, at least those not fueled by drugs, don't go on for 30 or 40 minutes at a time. Most men don't want to withdraw at the last moment and ejaculate outside the partner's body, but the porn "genre" requires visible proof of the act's successful conclusion.
Pornography is "performance art." Prostitutes don't do what they're doing with clients because they enjoy it. Pornography depicts sex acts in which one partner (the client) is using the other as a means to his/her sole satisfaction. They do it for money, but a surprising number of people don't seem to realize this simple fact of life. Tell your kids it's a show, not a love affair.
4
I don't know...30 or 40 minutes seems short to me.
1
Read "Grace's" account in Babe of her so called date with Aziz Ansari. It pretty much reads like the script for any porn video.
2
Such a complete article and a must-read for parents. My navigation for porn was the same as Drew's... I remember watching HBO late at night and kept on watching. I have been lucky that I almost at all times, saw porn critically and was "part" of my sex education and the part of the LGBT (I consider myself pansexual) was totally accurate, but I just thought that I would never experience sex with a woman unless I was a pornstar (hahaha...). Porn is a real topic, and if parents/schools won't be open about porn and sex to teenagers (who really are sexually curious) they will still have the same curiosity and maybe find those answers in some other places where maybe respect for the sexual partner, oneself, and other variables might be non-existant. We as a community need to tell the young ones that sex is completely natural, fun, and good; sex must not be taught as a sin (they will still have sex even if they think it's a sin, but probably feel remorse, and guilt and probably be uncare of protection and tests) but that with sex comes responsability/rules as protection (STD's and pregnancy), consensual, and communication.
Sadly, there is an unintended consequence to #metoo. It will ultimately make women even more discardable and it will make men even more sexual isolationists. Why go through the angst of potential sexual miscommunication or the possibility of being falsely accused when one can just dial up ala carte the precise sexual act he desires. In the age of #metoo and Anziz Asari, pornography becomes an excellent less stress low-risk replacement and alternative to women. If you think I'm off kilter, consider the Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Virtual Reality (VR) porn market is exploding. Technology is not only making human beings more independent and insular outside our homes, but it is also making us more insular in our bedrooms. Unfortunately, AI Sex robots and VR sex masks are the future. Many men will view this as a safer alternative. Thank God I'm married and not out their in the dating world. All this would terrify me. If I were still in the dating world, I would wear a body cam, sign confidentiality and liability release agreements, videotape all sexual encounters and only go on double dates that include our individual lawyers.Too much risk to my reputation, finances, and sanity to engage in sex without these protections. Sexual politics is upending gender power dynamics. To many, that's a good thing. To others, all this is a sexual buzz kill. Meanwhile, the porn industry will reap the rewards of it all.
4
It's interesting how few of the comments here are about the content of the article, instead complaining about terminology, the "scourge" of porn, assuring us that sex hasn't changed, telling us what porn to watch...Do readers think this program is taking a good approach? I think it sounds terrific. Kids are going to see porn, most of what they see is going to be pretty terrible and base, and giving them the tools to assess what they're seeing and figure out how they want to approach sex in their own lives is excellent work. Wish it could be offered in every middle and high school.
1
This article made me feel ill. How sad that our insane culture -- in the throwes of the #metoo movement -- ostensibly to end the demeaning sexualization of women -- is, at the same time is trying to normalize pornography.
The Rothman person who "offers information about pornography studies and explaining to them, for example, that there is no scientific evidence that porn is addictive" -- WHAT? how is 'addictive' defined. This is some serious garbage we are feeding to kids. We also tell them smartphones and social media are not addictive. It is an open secret that we all KNOW these things are addictive, and we don't want to give them up so we play along with the crazy that they are not really a problem...fossil fuels, perscription painkillers, compulsive consumption-- we are utter hypocrites and need to wake up and face the music.
The idea they are legitimising porn by teaching a class where they explain the different catagories of it makes me blush with shame.
Children in this story alternate between protesting that they know that porn is not real, but then express doubt about if real people are expected to perform the same acts they see on the screen. They clearly have no idea that their reality is shaped by what they view. There was a time when we normalized and rationalized slavery, rasism, sexism -- how can we send the message that economic explotation and envionmental explotation are wrong but sexual exploitation is OK? If there is buck to be made...
2
Porn?? Near porn?? Way too long an article. Like porn, basically boring. This article was way too graphic for moi -- and perhaps The Times should do sensitivity warnings. Going into great detail, truffle butter (excuse me???),
Don't assue previous generations were innocent either. There was Playboy, Peyton Place -- lots of ideas there... and so far as whenI learned how babies were made and embroyos develop in fourth grade from a book provided by parents.
Kids should learn about birth control and IMO masturbation. Sex or physical release of hormonal urges should not be restricted to vaginal intercourse. (BTW in Arab countries apparently anal sex amongst teens is a way of preserving the hymen).
People should realize that many girls do develop by 5th grade,; some have periods earlier. Group sex?? lots of people are interested in comparison.
Anyone remember Plato's Retreat? swinger parties?
Young people definitely need to know about liabilities and I guess boys are now realizing that their lives can be ruined if they push inappropriately or too hard to have sex with unwilling or unconscious persons. there are boundaries... and perhaps that is what needs discussion.. Not is porn real.
Porn literacy - give me a break.. Like the too long article -- a mult-session class in this is titillation NOT education.. We had the movie and a mercifully short presentation (we did not want to hear an old person talking about sex) in 6th and 7th grade. Peyton Place was better.
1
Ok, good. Gay porn doesn't count apparently since it's without all issues that of hetero porn. It's very different for gay men who see porn and masturbation as a healthy alternative to physical sex.
Judging by the comments it seems as though most Americans are basically at a loss over porn. Moreover, this inability to engage with their own sexual discomfort translates into an inability to discuss with their own children all of the wonders and all of the problem associated with human sexuality.
Gender is a construction. If you are unwilling to deconstruct how it works for you, then you will be a pawn, a tourist of your own desires. The MeToo movement is a reckoning, a direct challenge to how men have used power in the construction of their “normal” gender. This was a good piece. I hope more people read deeper into it.
Hey kiddies, do what I did: find your mom’s stash of Anais Nin short stories( or reasonable facsimiles). instead of watching poorly made and unrealistic videos, try *reading* well written porn. It can offer actual insights into being a sexual human and engages the biggest sex organ of all: your brain
1
"Most women do not have a G-Spot." This woman is teaching sex anatomy?
The size and stimulative reactions of G-Spots vary widely, but every woman I've been with has one. And w/o appearing to sound macho, that's over a hundred. Just a fact. A good database, as it were.
These well intended people seem to focus on professional porn. Productions with paid personnel. That has been diminishing for years, probably most porn now is just totally amateur, people filming each other. All willing participants, consenting adults, money seldom changing hands.
What porn has done is show that we are bonobos in clothing. (And while creating new problems, it's not like coming of age sixty years ago was some idyllic transition w/o many, albeit different, problems and attitudes.)
Many concerns expressed are merely nattering PC'isms. Sex has always been about power, both active and passive, about domination and submission. Always. Women as sex objects? Please, of course! And men aren't, too? Couples deeply in love, as I am fortunate to be, partly want each other for the pleasures given physically, as objects to give that pleasure we all crave.
3
It's not just teenagers. I'm a 30 year old straight woman, and all but one of my sexual partners have clearly been fundamentally influenced by porn. The one who was not grew up in a remote area without internet access. And the influence doesn't end with adolescence and the loss of one's virginity, because (anecdotally speaking) most straight adult men watch porn and masturbate as least as often as they have sex with a woman. Porn doesn't just shape (usually incorrectly) what men think women's desires are; it also fundamentally shapes men's desires and becomes an inextricable part of their sexual identity. While there are many women who also watch porn, many of us do not simply because it has not been marketed to us throughout our lives. Nevertheless, because it has so successfully dominated men's sexuality, we have no choice but to accept it as part of our own sex lives, whether we watch it or not.
There's no point in stigmatizing porn, as it's not going anywhere. I'm relieved to hear that some school systems are stepping up to engage kids on the subject instead of just wishing the problem away. As long as we collectively ignore the problem, the burden falls to straight women to endure terrible sex and the lack of intimacy that comes with it.
1
I didn't have access to porn videos as a teen, but raunchy magazines depicting unrealistic sex weren't hard to find. Let's not pretend this is a completely new issue. And let's not forget that for many teens with active labidos, masturbating with pornography can reduce risk of unhealthy exposure to multiple real partners (STDs, pregnancy, sexual assault, emotional scars, ruined relationships aka "cheaters" & "sluts"). I've had one partner all my life and we have a healthy, satisfying sex life, but I still utilize porn.
1
This article hits me in a place that is troublesome, and brings out of me feelings that I still have not worked through.
A young person still (late 20s), when I was 16, I had my first initiation into sexual experience by a boyfriend who was fond of violent pornography. Had I seen some porn by then? Yes, but not the pain-inducing, violent acts he had been viewing.
He started wanting me on the floor, blindfolded, unable to move, struggling, looking at me helpless while he pleasured himself. I can honestly say that I had no idea that this was not okay, but in hindsight can recall being clear that *I* was to please *him.*
I was 16.
Of course teens are learning what to do through porn. Don't kid yourselves, clips of ejaculating on a girl's face is about the least of your worries. Search for yourself if you don't believe me.
2
I wish the language would evolve. Using the single term 'porn' to cover such a wide array of material is counterproductive, and makes a considered discussion quite difficult.
18
Not sure kids can easily filter the erotica out of the forest of 3 million porn shorts on PH.
No body knows how to talk about sex.
Ask which came first the chicken or the egg, and everybody forgets to mention the rooster.
8
I watched internet porn when I was 12 on a dial up modem. I smoked weed at 12 and drank at age 14. You can't stop kids from doing stuff they aren't supposed to be doing.
However, you can guide them in the right direction. I was guided into realizing that pot was safe while drinking kills, and I haven't drank for years because I think pot is a safe and fun way to relax, and alcohol is bad for society.
I used to watch pro porn and I had horrible anxiety. I hated sex. My partner showed me amateur porn, and I realized that 99% of people are just like me.
Now I post my own amatuer porn for free and love all the positive response I get. I'm evidently even pretty popular because people keep reaching put to me to do pro shots. I won't though. I post all my stuff for free and I don't want the soulless eyes of the pro porn star. I like having normal sex that I enjoy.
So that's my advice. You can't stop kids from doing pretty much anything. You can only guide them to better outcomes.
18
Too many guns not enough sex?
14 school shootings in 2018.
7
Someone should study the impact of interracial porn on the racial attitudes of those who watch it. It seems designed to play on the fears of white males and generate animosity between races.
2
Or, it simply exploits one particularly strong malev cuckhold fantasy at the expense of what you’re talking about
Mainstream porn is dreadful and so degrading to women. It’s as real as pro wrestling. Seemingly every man and woman play the same fake roles - men are callous, selfish domineering brutes and women are submissive sluttish women who exist to please men.
It’s quite disturbing when you realize producers are likely attempting to give men, the predominant consumers of porn what they want.
18
It's probably been noted before, but kids hear that the President had sex with a porn actress while his wife was pregnant with their son. What kind of world are kids growing up in? I'm not asking this rhetorically - have we lost our collective mind?
24
I am 87 years old. Sex is still the same as it was when I was 17. Calm down....it is better to learn from porn than from the back seat of a car......
4
No sex for us, please, we're American.
9
While it is remarkable that the US is so prudish when it comes to sexuality, I think this article is perhaps more about the type of pornography that’s available today. Anecdotally I would say that the porn of today has evolved considerably from when I was growing up, 25 years ago. It’s much more violent now - slapping, spitting, gagging to the point of vomiting. And the equipment, I would say, is much bigger too.
Another commenter made an interesting point: the producers follow the market. Clearly there is a desire for material like this.
Porn is another chemical addiction since using it causes your body to release endorphins and dopamine under false circumstances People ho have respectful, mutually satisfying emotional, logistical, physical relationships tend to have more days to day satisfaction. There could be more about the emotional, logistical situational foundations of sex that go with the instruction manuals, but then people who get the relationship[ aspect it, get it
More Reading
American Psychological Association. (2014). Is pornography addictive?
Grant, J. E., Potenza, M. N., Weinstein, A. & Gorelick, D. A. (2010). Introduction to behavioral addictions. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 36(5), 233–241.
Love, T., Laier, C., Brand, M., Hatch, L. & Hajela, R. (2015). Neuroscience of Internet pornography addiction: A review and update. Behavioral Sciences, 5(3), 388–433.
Dawson, G.N. & Warren, D.E. (2012). Evaluating and treating sexual addiction. American Family Physician, 86(1), 74-76.
4
A round of applause for porn literacy programs! These should be mandatory across the country.
7
I remember decades ago most action movies being very sexist. Male protagonists would always be macho/heroes; females were the victims waiting to be rescued - if they even showed up at all. To a boy, most action movies gave a very distorted view of what it's like to be a man, and many perpetuated misogynistic mores. It would have been easy then to argue that children should not be watching them, because they were psychologically unhealthy.
But then action movies have evolved quite a bit over the years, and they now show more female protagonists in positive/heroic roles, and most action movies no longer promote sexist values. The problem is not that action movies are intrinsically bad, it's that they used to be badly made.
The same goes for pornography.
It's clear many of us don't like the contents of today's online porn. But the problem is not pornographic movies in of themselves. The problem is that a lot of them are just, well, very badly made... It's easy to make pornographic movies that are more balanced and realistic - these do in fact exist. But we are never going to make this healthier kind of porn mainstream if we automatically turn into disgust mode whenever we hear the word "porn". We need to promote good porn over bad porn, not relegate porn to the fringes - where it will inevitably turn bad.
3
Exactly, and why I’ve always liked the movie Blood Simple
The kids are learning about sex from pornography. Can't they get this information anywhere else? I'm being facetious. They need to learn about it at home and through their education systems. When I grew up porn was in little packets of photos and magazines under the counter at magazine stands and the barber shop. Then came Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler. When I knew about my kids accessing porn through their devices (smartphones, pads and computers), I told them that they could ask me about it and I would be as honest as I could to tell them what I knew and what I thought. Porn is sex as entertainment. I dealt with their issues of sexuality, their relationships with the opposite sex. I talked to them about reproduction and required that they raise an animal to reproduction (fish, rabbits, mice). Now, if they get a pet, it's neutered (and what lesson are we teaching with that?). The AIDs epidemic was a way to get into talking about STDs, contraception, sexual partners. But, you have to be aware of the newest information, be clear about your own attitudes about sex and be able to talk about it if you are going to help your children. As they get into puberty, they are going to be curious about what is happening to their bodies, their emotions and relationships. I was prepared and ready. Yes, porn exists but it is sex as entertainment, as fantasy. It is an industry that sells this fantasy because there is a market for it. We should be able to provide better education for our kids.
1
I am a practicing child/adolescent psychologist with 40 years experience living and working in Fairbanks, AK> Porn is a public health mental health crisis. It is now responsible for a significant portion of adolescent sex offending in my experience and it is not being recognized for the threat it has become to our children.by the institutions responsible for protecting and punishing them. Thank you so much for this article. It is what I have heard for years. Porn is our new sex ed.
10
Well, this is what you get when you have advanced minds like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and the rest. They created the computers and software and the rest is history. Now the genie is out and you cannot put it back in the bottle. There is no answer to this scourage. Society is doomed and this poison has spread worldwide. You can all the #Metoo movements, ain't gonna help one bit. Bad time to be a woman.
5
Some of my porn videos I made for the fun of it have 60,000 or more views. Meanwhile, my YouTube videos max out at 1000 views.
I like making porn for fun. I used to hate my self and my body because I didn't look like the girls do in pro porn. I'm not a supermodel. Amatuer porn showed me that 99% of people are just like me. When I got 10,000 comments of people saying I'm the hottest thing ever, now that's some real data I can rely upon. If you got 10,000 people on every video saying you are the hottest thing ever, eventually now matter how deep you are as a person you are going to feel better about yourself and your body.
That's what I would suggest. You KNOW every teen with a smartphone has watched porn. I'd tell them that pro porn is all lies and those girls like nothing they are doing. Amatuer porn, on the other hand, is real people. Scenes last 10 minutes. The man and woman actually like what they are doing and you can see the authenticity in their eyes.
I mean, that's what all these generation alphas want, authenticity. Since they are going to watch porn no matter what you do as a parent or teacher, why not just tell them that if they want authenticity to watch amateur porn.
I don't make money off the videos I post. I post them because I love knowing that 60,000 people will view my video in the next 2 weeks, and during that time they will see real good sex instead of fakery and lies.
7
Again, porn is not and is not about sex.
4
I've given up on sex. Porn kills intimacy.
3
Sex Education, OMG, please, the religious types trying to run or ruin this country will never go for it, too much loss of control.
They are fighting Abortion, even birth control, Sex is the next frontier for them, if Pence become President, sex will be forbidden, unless you are mating....
What a crazy, narrow minded country huh
4
Watching porn is isolating and can be addictive, why no mention of this? Surely the rates of young people smoking pot and watching porn has sharply increased. This has got to be more of a problem than how and what they are learning about sex!
4
Is it just me, or was anyone else hearing Trekkie Monster and Kate Monster from the play "Avenue Q" singing "The Internet is for Porn" while reading this? ;-D
BTW, in my teens I got a great deal of mostly accurate sex ed, such as forms of birth control and their advantages and disadvantages, STIs/STDs, and some info about how to communicate with a partner, from reading women's magazines such as Cosmo and Glamour, which were readily available in my local library. The internet was in its infancy then, but a teenage girl could read those magazines and nobody knew whether she was reading the sex stuff or the fashion and beauty tips.
7
Child Sacrifice "Worth It" in America, A Generation Warped;
Pied Pipers Walk Free
Of course teens are curious. Sexuality is fundamental to human neurology and physiology. Meanwhile, with no government restraints, American technocrats are preying on teens and children. Teenage brains (whose developmental flux was omitted in this article) are no match for this literally addictive content (disingenuously denied by a single unchallenged source). By not reining in the Pied Pipers of Porn, we're permitting them to *institutionally* abuse (these terms not chosen lightly) our very own children – Sandusky would be awed. There is no question that the precious lives of teens, children and adults are being warped by access to online porn, as this article pruriently details. The effects are overwhelmingly evident in our polity.
On its face, this is a "human interest" story. However, factoring in the ideological underpinnings of American hedonism ("consumer freedom"), the hypersexualization of our society, and the profit motive of the purveyors of addictive stimuli in every form are critical to understanding the why of it. Imagine how much richer Drew's, Q.'s, Kyrah's and Tiffany's lives would be if our society's values weren't those embodied by our literally pornographic "First" Family.
And how about some statistics on STDs in America, journalist Jones? Here you are, from the CDC's "STDs Increase Across the Country for the Third Year" (2016): https://www.cdc.gov/std/stats16/default.htm
5
I believe excessive mobile phone use in general leads to disconnection from oneself and others, let alone watching porn. I have no doubt it has a negative impact on the way young boys relate to the opposite sex. Perhaps they are learning how to shoot their classmates and make bombs too? We need to teach children about love and intimacy and lead by example. In the meantime, let's use technology that is already available and block this junk from reaching our precious children.
3
If an American parent watches British crime series such as Line of Duty or the Swedish-Danish series Bron now in its 4th and final season then they cannot maintain that they never knew that teenage boys watch porn. A standard scene in almost every such series is "parent opens door to boy's room and boy shuts down computer".
I know nothing about sex education state-by-state in the US but I doubt that it is done well in most, if any, states. Perhaps scenes from the crime series could be a starting point for parent group discussions. Here the parents can be shown what the best of such series report as standard behavior. Next question: Look famliar? Next question,what then?
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Dual citizen US SE
2
Porn Literacy for adolescents, together with far superior, pleasure-oriented sex ed (along the lines of Al Vernacchio's approach detailed in the article) are urgently required. What's also required is the development of better, enlightened criticism for these genres that would promote progressive values of authenticity and realism, especially as regards women's pleasure. Given the cultural reach of porn, why is it that mainstream media outlets (including the NY Times) fail to provide the cultural criticism accorded to television and film genres that have far less cultural impact?
Major newspapers should each have a porn critic who writes items highlighting examples from both the video and the romance literary genres that provide progressive, authentic depictions of seduction and consensual sexual pleasure. This would go a huge distance under our current circumstances to providing better models to our young, improving the quality of our sex as a society, and possibly even reducing the incidence of the regrettable/unethical (and sometimes criminal) encounters so often lamented now by despairing voices in the #MeToo movement. Clearly, it is not sufficient to condemn; what's required is positive, authentic modelling of ideal behavior.
7
Teenagers.... and grown men! So many adult men incapable of outgrowing that distorted view of sex they learned as teenagers thanks to porn.
7
What I wish I had read more often as I perused this article and the subsequent comments is that there's quite a difference between having sex and making love, that the latter requires intimacy that only comes from getting to really know and deeply like the partner. One reason divorce rates are so high, imho, is that we continue to get our interpersonal relationships going based on sexual attraction, which is not the same as being attracted to the other person's non-sexual qualities. Porn does not help this situation. Porn is, ultimately, a drag to me, who has looked at far too much of it, because there is no intimacy, there is only sex. If you don't really have deep feelings for your partner after the sexual act is over, it's like you have less than what you had before you started, and where's the value in that? There's great power in the phrase 'friends first'.
3
I am thankful I came of age in the 50's and progressed from first kisses to intercourse over a period of years. A journey of discovery by increments. Thinking of young people viewing porn makes porn makes me sad.
2
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, my parents had a rule: If I saw a toy advertised on TV, I couldn't have it. They explained that advertiser were trying to get into my mind and waro my desires.
That made sense to me. I was then, as I am now, quite suggestible. So even as a kid I watched very little TV.
Seems like a similar rule, with similar reasoning, applied to porn could be mighty effective...
2
As a teen in the late 70s, I didn't "know" anything about sex except the necessity of birth control...I took that one Sex Ed lesson to heart...For last two years of HS I had sex 6 days a week ...With great enthusiasm & caution...
Intellectually didn't see much connection between porn & real life...Still don't...
Schools must teach birth control...The ramifications of porn on the young mind is wildly complicated but likely doesn't inform real-life behavior...
4
So, the bottom line is that we're going to get a generation of kids who grow up knowing, from the get go that there is a LOT more than missionary sex and timid blow jobs out there. I'm thinking back to my teen years, the choices I made about partners based on my Victorian and sheltered ideas about sexuality, and trying to figure out EXACTLY how I'd be worse off now if I had known then what I know now as a 50 year old BDSM top.
In what other area do we tell young people "this is going to be incredibly important in your life and the less you know about it the better." In any other pursuit that would be patently INSANE. Yet it's a cultural standard when it comes to Sex.
The only remote argument for keeping teens ignorant about sex is the primitive notion that they are more likely to become pregnant if they know about sex. That has been disproven again and again.
The other idea is that teen men will *demand* or *expect* perverse services from porn which women won't want to provide and thus will become predators or sexual outcasts. This comes from a narrow Victorian assumption that men are the only ones who want sexual variety when, again, actual science shows the EXACT OPPOSITE.
In particular there is a presumption that an interest in (safe, consensual) rough sex is an outlying interest for women. In fact as Seth Stephens-Davidowitz recently documented in his studies of online searches, the majority of people searching for violent porn are...women.
7
The article doesn't really say what you're suggesting it says. It's about teaching young porn viewers how to discern and take a critical stance toward what they see, and to begin parsing the distinctions between mainstream, jack hammering porn and their own real desires. No one is talking about REAL dominance or power play here, no one is suggesting that women don't want variety, and no one is suggesting that dominant men are predators.
4
So you would have absolutely no problem with your daughter/sister/mother/significant other becoming a porn sex performer? Yeah, did not think so. Porn is not a way to "learn about sex",. It is a way to get a very distorted, sick, unhealthy, unhelpful view of what human sexuality is all about. Learning about sex from porn is like learning about driving from The Fast and The Furious. And the saddest part: so many grown men who never outgrow this teenage fascination....
4
Deeply disturbing. Maybe a class in Tantric spirituality should be required; once a person realizes just how much pleasure can be had through real intimacy and kindness, porn just goes out the window.
7
I don't know where you got your info about gay porn, but the male variety is not much better than the straight porn. You still have unrealistic body types (including genitalia that create an unrealistic expectation of what's normal). You still have stuff like choking. You still have things like gang bangs and double penetration fairly common. Facials are still the norm. The positions are still not possible to do unless you're particularly athletic. The emotional intimacy is still not there.
I do think that these problems aren't as severe as they are in straight porn, but they are still very much present. There is some movement on some of the paid sites towards a healthier dynamic, but on the whole, the porn industry is mostly a cesspool of dehumanization and exploitation, gay or otherwise.
2
Are there any videos, to be shared with teenagers, that show (at least one person's version of) mutually pleasurable sex? Psychologically and physiologically, that seems like the best remedy. It's a tall order for the human animal to scrub images -- in this case porn -- with abstract ideas, however sound those ideas are.
2
This isn't just confusing for young people, older people - mostly men who watch a lot of porn (yes, I know a few) and who are in their 50's and 60's - still try to ape porn hyper-aggression during real sex. Never mind that neither of the participants aren't as fit or flexible as they once were, for some men, it's all about trying to continue being the guy who can go on like he's 25 yrs. old.
I watched a lot of porn when I was much younger, but not necessarily because it turned me on. The talent pool was smaller, you knew their names and you generally saw women (and men) in a more natural state. Nowadays, porn women are pruned like trees, inked to death with tatts and pretty much all look alike with fake this, that and everything in-between, rendering most of them virtually indistinguishable from each other. The men are a total afterthought until the money shot.
Maybe I'm just aging out of sex, but even with so much available for free, it seems to me that if you're watching porn regularly at any age, then you're still receiving signals that pretty much say, "monkey see, monkey do" and until that changes, sadly, we women still get, ahem, the short end of the stick.
6
When my son was 11 and in the 6th grade at a private school in rich Portola Valley, the talk amongst his peers was dreaming of oral sex!
I didn't even know about oral sex until I was 19.
1
I'm just so thrilled to know that this program is offered through a city program. I'm somewhere between Andrea Dworkin and Ron Jeremy on porn: I've enjoyed it in the past yet and I know (and always knew) it's degrading. So I won't get into all that. What's incredible to me is the politics of this class being offered and funded. I see from a Google search that the awful Daily Caller is griping about it, presumably the result of this article. I'm sure there'll be other opportunistic partisan grumbling. But that it was created at all is awesome. Public education is good!
2
If there is any good that comes out of this, it’s that young people talk openly about sex now. When I was young no one did. It’s good to drop the shame.
What bothers me most about the effect of (hetero) porn on young viewers is the age-old trope that (hot) women serve (virile) men. Unless it’s dominance themed, most of this rubbish shows women as objects to be used and commanded. It’s alarming how common it is for really young girls to think they have to perform oral sex on boys.
This is something that needs to change. We need to teach our kids that consent and respect are part of healthy sex. The pleasure part of the activity they will figure out for themselves, as they always have. But they need to be taught where the thin line between mutual pleasure and non consensual abuse lies. Ideally, that education would come from a parent or guardian. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen in a lot of homes. So it’s up to the schools to fill the need.
2
My ex-husband had a porn addiction. His dad brought him to a live sex show in Paris when he was 16. We married when he was 24, and had an M.S. in computer science. His love of porn was just a symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder.
The years I was pregnant and caring for toddlers he amassed a large collection of porn. I went to HomeDepo to get large plastic trunks to get him to organize and hide it all. At one point in his collecting (I found them all over the house), I noticed they were all mailed to a post office box. In my name. He acquired a P.O. Box in my maiden name. I asked him why and he told me it was because he didn't want a record of his purchasing them.
Many years and long stories...he spent many thousands on prostitutes, (he liked 2 women, $300-$400 each, at once). I skimped and saved and raised 2 kids. The most profound consequence was that he treated me like a chattel. Our intimate life was devoid of affection. Just a sex show and a lot of work for me. He had no idea how to love a woman as a result.
He never had my back and I rescued him from many situations. My point is that porn, the tendency to become obsessed and addicted to it can destroy relationships. I was trapped and hated our sex life. I endured it for years. He loved the porn thing called, "a pearl necklace". It was demeaning for me. I am aware of my 19-year-old son's use of porn and don't know how to tell him that it's not loving, it's not real and could damage his relationships.
5
I think those banal, mind-numbingly boring movies with B actors on Hallmark Channel do as much harm to women’s views on life as porn. All those white peoples! Love at the end! All the POC best friends who aren’t allowed to be the main characters! Perfect hair, perfect homes, perfect children, perfect lives. All those women who decide they cannot be a lawyer or doctor or successful business women if she’s going to get the man.
How about we teach teenagers how to cast a discerning eye on ALL media & how to be thinking consumers of what’s on the screen?
15
The thing that seems to have gotten forgotten is that porn and masturbation are fun. I don't consume a lot of video porn and stick to other genres, but the point remains. The issue with claiming that its evil, as some comments do, is that that message won't resonate with teenagers who realize that it is enjoyable. Luckily, Porn Literacy seems to avoid having a negative message.
7
Another overlooked aspect is that occasional porn viewing can, for some, fill a void in relationships that is safer than prostitutes and less morally challenging than affairs.
7
Empower your daughters by being honest with them about the way that many boys and men will view them. Teach them to be assertive, to separate the wheat from the shaft, and to never be afraid to be alone, if that is what it takes because of slim pickings.
Dads, don't let your girl grow up to be a "daddy's girl," because that is exactly who some sexual predators look to abuse.
9
Hollywood sells Porn in almost every production and so does Madison Avenue. Dems make money off Porn. Sex porn is barely a blip to them, they have been watching gore and sexual filth their entire lives on public TV. his is a non issue RE the internet, the filth and gore is how the Hollywood Dems make their wealth.
All they need to know - the teen boys - is that their equipment won't work correctly if they watch too much porn. They'll soon be making jokes about guys who get "porn ED" and they'll all quit watching it.
3
That's a dumb question. Teenagers + raging hormones + porn = disaster. This is another thing #metoo and #timesup should tackle- the demeaning of women by pornographers. Not too long ago a study was done with regards to how much time the average male office worker sitting at his desk spent watching porn. Some 2 hours a day from what i can remember, correct me if i'm wrong. Almost all pornography degrades women and where women are made to be viewed as objects for males to do as they please. #metoo- where are you? Not a peep regarding this important matter.
4
This piece totally underplays the harm that pornography does. It fails to address that many female porn performers were raped & sexually abused as children, that most porn performers are also prostituted, that many performers are sex trafficked & exploited, many are addicted to hard drugs, that anal rape is common in porn.
Jones wholly fails to address the medical contraindications or dangers of anal sex: anal fissures, prolapse, infection, the epidemic of girls presenting in emergency rooms with anal bleeding & tissue damages (colostomies not being sexy). Jones fails to note that a big reason that women last only six months in porn because their bodies, including their anal sphincter muscles & rectal tissues, are ruined. Maybe teens should be told how anal can lead to the need for adult diapers. A quarter of American teens have an incurable sexually transmitted infection.
This article fails to note that men who rape children often use porn to groom children, showing them porn to convince them that sex acts with adults are OK. And in reality , virtually every serial killer of women, from Ted Bundy to the Green River killer, was an avid consumer of porn.
Egregiously, this piece ignores the researchers & writers who have documented the harm porn does to the bodies & minds of 'performers' and to the hearts & minds of porn users. How about giving ink to the work of Gail Dines, Sheila Jeffreys, Robert Jensen or Jackson Katz who have documented porn's predations and harm.
6
The long-term effects of watching pornography will most likely be to turn off future generations to the performance of the sex act (as we know it anyway) as they become inured to it in ways we cannot conceive. Procreative sex will then be more likely be a controlled (genetically & otherwise) activity in any case. We are a nation obsessed with sex in so many forms, the true heirs of Puritanism. I would think that cutting teens off from pornography would only increase their urges & frustrations. Would banning the violence in Hollywood’s most popular films cut down on street shootings? That’s probably more likely than banning porn changing the behavior of men towards women (or boys towards girls). How about encouraging a more gentle, genteel if you will, *erotic* porn for both genders’ consumption? I guess in many peoples’ minds that would be like making heroin legal.
2
“Blow job: $300,” Daley read from a list. “Anal: $1,000. Double penetration: $1,200. Gang bang: $1,300 for three guys. $100 for each additional guy.”
$1300 for a gang bang? That's outrageous!
Stop blaming the producers of porn. They do it for money and they produce what sells. The villains, if any, are the viewers that encourage producing this stuff.
1
Perhaps because I’m bisexual or because I’m non-religious, I’ve never had the hang ups about porn that many of the commentators on this post have. As a 20 something women who grew up in a catholic household, I started watching porn infrequently around the age of 13-14. It really helped me become comfortable in my sexuality and provided a refuge to express my identity.
To me, knee-jerk reactions against porn are the hallmarks of a deeply conservative & puritanical culture that at its heart views sexuality as shameful. Yes there is a negative side of porn, but what’s wrong with women getting paid for jobs they consensually want do? Yes porn can perpetuate stereotypes, but how is that any different than the fashion or movie industry? If we want these things to change, we need to recognize that porn is not inherently immoral.
20
No. it is a matter of self-esteem and human dignity. I am a liberal, atheist and do not find having three guys shoved their genitals into every orifice available while pouring their secretions on every skin surface available "comfortable" Porn is not sex. Porn is the use and abuse of sex performers bodies, especially female bodies, for profit. "Consent" among these performers is relative as I betcha a heck of a lot of them would leave "the job" pretty quickly were they be offered a different opportunity to make a decent living and an education. It is not a matter of "morality". It is a matter of the kind of society we are where some people have to resort to be treated so badly to make a living. Again, think of yourself, your daughter/mother/sister/significant other being put through the kind of acts these sex performers are put through and then tell me "it is comfortable".
6
"In addition, some girls may view anal sex as a “safer” alternative to vaginal sex, as there’s little risk of pregnancy." Did someone edit this article? That would be zero risk. While there is a lot of interesting info here worth discussing and I applaud the Boston program, the images in the article are from the same male gaze POV as in the vast majority of straight porn. This is an opportunity lost.
1
Looks like someone didn't get proper sex ed. The risk of pregnancy from anal sex is very, very low, but sperm is quite mobile and there is the possibility that it could unintentionally make its way into the vagina to impregnate a woman.
2
Ahem, Sam, I hate to say this but heterosexual anal sex does not have zero risk of pregnancy. Liquids can drip and flow, especially if the female partner rolls over onto her front after. Teens should be aware of this.
1
now it's internet porn. In a few decades (or less) will be able to call up holographic sex actors that look like the real thing. Or robots that are impossible to tell from the real humans among us and are willing to do...whatever we want. YES!!!!
Back in the day (19th century) we had lots of porn too. Read something like -- My Secret Life -- which I had the great honor and privilege to read at age 14 after an older neighbor boy found a copy -- I believe the abridged version. My goodness gracious. Talk about hard core entertainment.
Of course, when it's just a book you don't have to see how you stack up against actors and actresses -- but you may have to wonder if you can handle the, diversity, shall we say, of sexual activities.
In short, porn has always been around. People find sex interesting. And teenage boys have been seeking it out (sex and porn) for thousands of years.
Of course, some sex on the internet may get a little crazy. However, my experience has been that real life sex with real women often involves some pretty crazy stuff --- often at their initiation (so I've been told).
While we need to keep porn out of the reach of children, we also need to recognize that what two people (or eight) do in private is up to them as long as everyone consents and no one gets hurt (too badly). And remember. What you think is kinky and cool and a real turn on I might find perverse and disgusting. And vice versa. Live and let live.
4
A healthy dialogue with mom or dad is wonderful, accent of relaxed. Kids are ready to deal with sex differs between kids. Some are very young and others are not comfortable with getting involved wth performing sex as early as others. What is sad is that women are treated so badly in the majority of porn. It is not easy to find a video that is erotic but not abusive. For a young boy having learned what he thinks is cool from porn.
1
This is a thoughtful article. But it fails -- as such articles usually do -- to make any distinction between "porn" and "erotica."
And that's vitally important. Truly erotic art (including what's called "softcore") is consistently much more positive than crass porn, not depicting the rough, degrading activities that give teens a distorted view of sexuality.
How to tell them apart?
Pornography is focused on genitalia and genital-oriented outcomes. But erotica is holistic, featuring entire bodies as a givers/receptors of sensual pleasure while often emphasizing the emotional/psychological arousal of the characters.
Porn films invariably employ brightly-lit closeups of breasts, penises and vaginas. (Similarly, porn writing rushes into graphic descriptions of sex acts.) Erotic cinema favors wide shots of the performers' entire bodies in subdued lighting and sensuous shadows. (Erotic literature employs carefully-crafted descriptions, building the characters' emotional arousal in the intimate act.)
We can't prevent young people from being exposed to porn junk. But most of them -- and adults, too -- are scarcely aware that the kinder, gently category of "erotica" even exists and that it overwhelmingly depicts encounters that are emotionally engaged, mutually satisfying and freely joined.
20
I am halfway through this.
It is bringing up a lot of valid points about sex education, power dynamics, and teenage agita.
However, it is belying its own bias. Why are facials frowned upon? They don’t lead to pregnancy, and ejaculate, to borrow an NYT approved phrase, tastes like egg drop soup—it’s not toxic. Furthermore, why frown on anal? The anus, the prostate, the posterior vagina are all sexual organs. (So is the anterior vagina, but I’m trying to lessen average penis size shame). For some of us LGBT folks, anal is the only “capital S” Sex we can have.
2
I think the point was that most girls said they did not enjoy those activities and that they felt pressured to engage in them. I don't think anyone implied that they are per se wrong.
The problem is with the assumption that "all" women "enjoy" having men's ejaculate all over their faces and men's genitalia shoved up their anuses. I am not sure if you do but imagine if every time you meet another male, he would ask you to do that and get mad and "indignant" at you for saying no, for not "enjoying" being the recipient of somebody else's secretions and genitals? Well, that is what we women have had to deal with for a long time and what our young girls are nowadays mistakenly thinking they "must" enjoy or do. BTW, some of us do not always think about "ways to avoid" pregnancy when it comes to sex practices and are open to demeaning, abusive, plain disgusting thing to avoid it. We, women, have been known to also enjoy sex with a grown man who knows how to be a true lover, and who knows how to treat women beyond his teenage porn fantasies.
1
In college (just a few years ago), I was part of, then later led, a student group that ran sex-ed seminars on a variety of topics for other undergrads and grad students. Our talks ranged from non-"abstract" ways to ask consent, bondage basics, how to respond to & support someone confiding in you they've been sexually assaulted, lube and condom basics, asexuality, and yes even talks about myths in porn. We stressed communication, consent, respect and being caring.
This is an age group several years older than in this article, so there were some differences, but still—many only had the information they got from abstinence-only high school classes. From my experiences talking to so many fellow students, I think when people grow up in an environment where they don't feel comfortable discussing sex (even with their peers or partners), they wonder, "What am I supposed to do in this situation? How am I supposed to have sex when the time comes?"
They never realized—and porn never teaches—that a better first question is, "What kind of thing do I want to try? What kind of person do I even want to be?"
Our society & mainstream media fail to teach that as long as it includes communication, consent, respect, and being caring, then you can be whatever you want to be. If there was a Mr. Rogers of sex, we'd all get along better.
14
I don't know what to say. The raw, brutal, emotionless porn found on Pornhub and other sites on the Internet is simply beyond my comprehension. I can find no value or usefulness in the still images and videos. If I was a teenage today (I was one in the 60s) I think I feel totally overwhelmed. Maybe embarrassed and ashamed too. I wouldn't want anyone to know I visited those sites. The thoughts that most come to my mind is the sense of falseness and lack of emotional connection between the people having sex. They are machines. The titles of the videos are meant to entice viewers with come-ons like "Teen Hottie has Passion Filled Sex" or "Young Babe Gets Hot Hole Pounded for the First Time". There is every description of the act of sex possible but it always comes back to people simply having emotionless, head-banging sex. Penises are thrust into vaginas without love, without caring and without meaningfulness. Its boring. Its stupidly boring. Its totally senseless.
What teenagers learn from on line porn in my view is how to be callous, cold, indifferent and removed from reality. Women are objects to be played with. Men are just handy to have around and can't show love, affection, caring or real feelings. Women are left laying on beds, couches, kitchen tables, the floor, desks, chairs, park benches, buses, and on beaches, lawns or the edge of a back yard pool. They look spent, bewildered and miserable and alone.
I went to college and learned about sex the old fashioned way.
6
80 million human beings want to look at porn every day. By definition porn is violent, degrading to women, encourages unhealthy sexual practices and is humiliating to everyone.
People have to realize that children are not just smaller adults. Unfortunately adults have crowded out the public sphere with their own unfortunate tastes and they need ALL the space. There is no place left on earth for children thanks to the beloved internet (the devil's tool). I regret bringing a child into this world even though she was lucky enough to have a somewhat reasonable childhood since the internet didn't take over until she was in college. The idea of her having a child gives me shivers. What can a parent possibly even say to children today that isn't a raw, flaming indictment of the whole human race?
What happened to "making love"? What happened to sex being an intimate expression of love for another person and not a damn blood sport? "Spice up your sex life"? I love my husband, I don't need to "spice up" my sex life.
Thanks Tarrantino . . .and the people who willingly acted in his films, by the way.
2
Who cares? Every generation gets to go through the awkward teenage years in their own way. It was screwed up in the early sixties too. Thank goodness for hippies!
1
We could have more ethical porn industry with more productions from women's perspectives and educational value. But no one really wants to pay money to watch anything online whether it's porn or not so I don't think porn industry will change much. Porn is the only sex information young people have, unless they have access to other materials with sex scenes that aren't only phonographic but educational. Or people could google how to have sex and read articles instead of looking at porn videos. Porn is for lazy people to learn about sex. Many children don't even learn about personal finance from parents so I wouldn't expect anything from average parents. Some parents became parents through lack of sex education anyways. Delayed marriage and parenthood is probably needed in this world and if that includes more casual sex for pleasure's sakes, so be it. I worry about the mental or physical health of anyone who practice fornication regularly without bonding with their partners. Your sexual satisfaction shouldn't be the only goal of your relationship with someone. Real people should think about the other person during sex not just your own pleasure. I thought porn was for lonely people who wanted to masturbate using graphic stimulation. I'm not sure if I want regular porn users to reproduce either.
1
There's another aspect to young men watching porn: they're often watching and masturbating from an early age, and this can imprint their libido in a way so that, for example, masturbating while watching a handcuffed woman being anally penetrated becomes the most pleasurable sexual experience for them. There's already a cohort of 20-something-year-old guys out there who prefer porn and masturbation to having sex with a real woman.
4
Oh no, it is not a problem with just 20-something-year-olds. More and more middle age men are suffering from erectile dysfunction these unable to perform with real women. Nothing sadder than a 50-something year old man addicted to cyber-sex with a cartoon in a virtual world and masturbation, as it was the only "sex" he could pretty much have, completely unable to perform with a real woman.
We have come full circle. Porn started out by making mainstream movies with plots and actors with sex scenes. Then it graduated to the hardcord stuff. Now, we have Fifty Shades of Grey that is really a porn movie portrayed as an ordinary movie.
The fact that this is multi-billion dollar industry that is bigger than Hollywood or sports tells you there is a market and audience for this that is not limited to minors. What we have here is a bunch of prudish people who are uncomfortable about sex.
3
Here’s what we learn from porn: Men have a thing called a penis and they desire to put it in any orifice a woman has, with the object of stroking it back and forth until ejaculation occurs. That is all. But human beings are much more than physical actions. And women are much more than vehicles for the release of male urges. We are spiritual and mental and vital beings as well and without these parts of us, without communication on all levels, sex is reduced to a pleasurable but empty, and in the end, boring mechanical function. How do you teach sharing and trust and loving tenderness to the kids? Do the courses tell the kids that the most fulfilling intimate relations are in long-term committed relationships? I fear sex-by-the-numbers courses are woefully, even dangerously incomplete.
3
Adults in general and men in particular, parents/teachers/mentors have to take more responsibiltiy teaching young boys about sex instead of leaving them to their own devices to learn and we, women, need to take more responsibility elevating our own and our young girls and women's self-esteem enough as to be able to say "No, I do not want to do that" and to tell boys/men to go"porn themselves" and not be afraid of walking away. There are plenty of grown mature men out there that know better.
Porn is not an educational tool. It is a tool to satisfy male libido in the solitary act of masturbation. Teenagers should be taught to understand that sexual relations are and should be complicated emotional and physical engagements where you treat your partner the same way you want to be treated. Becoming a good lover is a process that takes times and curiosity about your lover, so realistically, like an investment, sex should only get better with time if both partners are focusing on keeping each other interested.
17
Anything, including porn, can be used to educate if handled thoughtfully. The teens are learning critical thinking skills about something directly relevant to their lives and that they have already seen. I fail to see the problem with this.
I kept hoping that this article would describe my experience with porn and sex, but it never did. I watched porn as a teenager and well into my college years. What I found was not that it made me disrespect women or want to act out extreme sex acts but something closer to the opposite: when the opportunity to have real sex came, I didn't enjoy it. It wasn't the same as the "sex" that I had been practicing by myself, in front of a screen, for years. At age 24, I struggled to maintain an erection, and I couldn't achieve a climax from intercourse. Later I learned from online message boards that my experience wasn't uncommon, and that an entire porn and masturbation abstinence movement called "No Fap" ("fap" being onomatopoeic for male masturbation) was being spearheaded by young men who had "cured" themselves of ED and desensitization.
Now, a few years later, I'm not convinced that porn is as bad for dopamine channels as the No Fap crowd insists, nor that there are enormous untold social consequences, as many here in the comments seem to believe. But I do think that limiting one's consumption of porn, especially when beginning a new relationship, is a good idea.
35
Issues like this need to be discussed in detail even if a parent is uncomfortable. As parents it's our job to make sure our children are aware of a variety of issues that could embarrass them or us to talk about. But we should do it anyway because it's part of raising a well adjusted child.
3
This article repeatedly refers to "best-selling" porn videos, noting how prevalent aggression and other behaviors are in best-selling videos. I think it is a safe guess that most porn that is seen is not paid for. This is probably especially true among teens. Most paid-for porn is probably purchased by adult men, whose tastes are likely to be somewhat different from those of teens. What teens are watching may differ markedly from what is "best-selling." Many porn sites have "most popular" or "most watched" sections that may give a better idea of what is most likely to be seen by teens. What boys watch probably differs somewhat from what girls watch.
In any case, it is worth noting that teen pregnancy rates are at a record low. This may be because info about preventing pregnancy is now more readily available thanks to the Internet. But as this article notes, porn is the de facto sex education for many teens. For all its distortions and imperfections, porn may be contributing to the reduction in teen pregnancy rates. Say what you will about porn, but if porn helps to reduce unwanted pregnancies, then it deserves a hand.
4
I find it very interesting that people are bemoaning the widespread availability of pornography and connecting it to an increase in violence against women. For centuries, most women were terrified on their wedding night and most were likely raped. No one seemed to have a problem with this, and probably most of their husbands had not viewed much porn. During American slavery and well afterwards, Black women faced horrific sexual violence at the hands of white men. Not a drop of pornography around, and no one was outraged. Until recently, it was perfectly acceptable for a rape victim to have her sexual history used as a means to diminish her credibility. And now that pornography is more easily available than ever, what do we have? We have a national conversation on sexual harassment in the workplace (much of which occurred in the supposed golden days of courtship that many commenters are glorifying). We have conversations of consent in sex education. We have feminist movements that connect racism and economic exploitation with sexual violence--including in industries in which women are sexualized. My point is, things were not better for women in the good old days before pornography. Pornography does not create sexual violence; the propensity for it has always been there in human beings and has been used as a tool by those with power against those who do not. The breakdown of sexual taboos that ushered in widespread porn also helped foster movements for women's liberation.
7
I think its will be several generations before physicians, psychiatrists and historians will be able to judge the long term effects of easily accessible pornography on today's youth.
What is clear, from a common sense point of view, is that something very precious is being denied these children. They are being denied the beauty of imagination. It is a tragedy that will, I suspect, haunt our society for decades to come.
5
This article works to frighten or gross out readers, not mentioning until half way to the end that young people today have sex later and have dramatically lower rates of sexual assault. The author then dismisses these facts without giving any justification, and goes back to sensationalism and inciting moral panic.
No mention at all of the far lower rates of unwanted pregnancies and fewer abortions, along with far less binge drinking, petty crime... higher graduation rates. Etc.
No evidence at all that the great accessibility of porn in the last decade has done any harm at all. Yet it’s taken for granted that something must be done. Why?
It’s true that porn is unrealistic, but what media isn’t? I’d argue the greatest harm is our movies and TV teaching us that violence is without consequence and military adventures always solve problems. I refer you to our last half dozen wars and failed nation building fiascos as evidence. The case there is far more compelling.
I would never claim porn isn’t in poor taste, or that it’s a good use of anyone’s time. But can we remind ourselves of how wrongheaded our whole society was about the basics of sex in the last century? Or the one before that? What golden age of sexual enlightenment is the writer nostalgic for?
At least pregnancies and abortions are down. Gay people are treated with dignity by the young. Millennials have a far healthier concept of consent than their grandparents or great grandparents. Investigate why that is.
7
Interesting. Isn't much more distorted than most romantic movies. Certainly would have provided me much more knowledge than I had on my own in 1967, even if some of it is distorted. I could have avoided years of fumbling.
1
"...it can be more taboo to teach them how their bodies work sexually. “The class is about critically analyzing sexually explicit media,” Rothman told me later, “not how to have sex. We want to stay in our narrow lane and not be seen as promoting anything parents are uncomfortable with.” Daley added: “I wish it were different, but we have to be aware of the limitations of where we are as a society.” This is the real problem. Sex education needs to teach people how to have satisfying sex, just like driver education teaches people how to drive safely and enjoyably. Unfortunately our society is too puritanical for that.
I always thought it was a terrible message my ex wife gave our daughter to abstain from sex until marriage. What if you don't find anyone you want to marry till you're thirty? If you listen to mom, you'll feel guilty. If teenagers were encouraged to have safe, consunsual sex the world would be a happier place with less violence.
3
Fifteen years ago I was in a conversation with a superintendent of schools about sex education. His perspective was that the school would teach the mechanics, health and clinical realities, but "values" were the domain of parents. I held then, and still hold, that values like oxygen are always present in the conversation whether acknowledged or not. This essay's focus is on technique and frequency of specific acts, pleasure, safety, what people are and are not doing. While the clinical components are relevant, and it is vital for teenagers to learn them, they alone are insufficient. By themselves they are a lowest common denominator approach to human sexuality. I recall a recent column by David Brooks in this paper on human touch, its meaning, its impact on the other and ultimately on how we treat each other. Our youth and culture need an exponential dose of the meaning, respect and sacred nature of touch.
2
Sex is a commodity. There is competition between consumers over access to sex. There is competition between those who provide sex.
It is in the interest, therefore, of unattractive females to wage a war, using every means at their disposal, against attractive females who by providing sex directly or indirectly to a large number of males, at relatively low costs, in various different ways, undermine the negotiating power of their less attractive rivals.
As a mother, I say, Yes to parental involvement. I was comfortable talking about sex in gradual steps as my daughters grew; delving into the influence of pornography w/middle & high school teachers would have been surprising but necessary. I used to worry (still do re: single daughter) about porn’s influence on their partners. I emphasize my girls be assertive, confident, comfortable & safe in relationships.
But, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father, w/compliance by my mother, I would NOT have signed up for this class if parental signatures/involvement was mandatory. The dynamic in my childhood house was so dysfunctional, I would have been afraid that sex-ed participation by MY parents would mean I’d be in more danger.
My father was president of an ad agency. He brought home & subscribed to glossy magazines including Playboy; these were just piled in the ‘tv room’ off the kitchen, on the same shelves as Highlights, The Long Island Catholic, Life & National Geographic. He & my mother had infidelities obvious to anyone paying attention, only hidden because we were a ‘nice’ family. Sex was around but not discussed.
I knew my family was sick by observing & verified by hours reading psych books in the public library.
I’m agreeing parents should be involved, but w/a clause that sexual abuse by family be put in the curriculum as well. Tools for reporting abuse should be in sex-ed.
It may seem paradoxical, but it is a sorry reality of sexual abuse.
3
Education and guidance is the key in all facets of life and upbringing.
It does not matter if it just watching the act or actually doing it ~ parents and teachers need to get involved and teach that respect and boundaries are the key to any relationship ~ whether it is just a hookup or long term.
My only advice is that I have found that the ultimate turn on by any partner is when they ask; '' What do you like ? I want to please you... ''
It also works both ways. Good luck.
1
Education and guidance is the key in all facets of life and upbringing.
It does not matter if it just watching the act or actually doing it ~ parents and teachers need to get involved and teach that respect and boundaries are the key to any relationship ~ whether it is just a hookup or long term.
My only advice is that I have found that the ultimate turn on by any partner is when they ask; '' What do you like ? I want to please you... ''
It also works both ways. Good luck.
1
What a great course. Should be part of the standard curriculum. And probably all adults should be required to take it before getting their licenses. No, I guess we don't need licenses for that. Too bad.
These are complex issues that are dynamic and vary in their interpretations as child turns to adult.
Being receptive, patient, non judgmental and continuing ongoing discussions is the best approach to these issues.
In contrast to prior generations, the world is at our fingertips. This demands more parental vigilance than ever before.
My friend and I, both girls, found a Playboy in some bushes near her house when we were about 9. Her mom noticed us looking at it and I still recall her reaction. She asked us how we felt about what we were looking at and whether we had any questions. I don't recall any anger or judgement or shame about it. It was one of the best parent-child encounters I ever had. I remember feeling very grateful to her for her response, which was so different than what I would have seen with my own mother. The only regret I have about it was when I realized we had taken the neighborhood boys' magazine from them.
Kids today...I'm so fearful for my nephews. They have little chance of having the same sort of nurturing parent-child experience and likely exposure to really scary material. The sheer volume is incredible and awful.
1
We are a culture challenged to offer sexual and emotional skills between biology class and porn's often soulless airbrushed performance, often off putting if you are female.
After time in France, a friend's late teen son discovered and refined the joys of courtship, admittedly to pursue girls he was interested in. Picnics, poems, love notes, etc. He enjoyed the emotional dance and what it built in the process. There is something to be said for the older rituals of courtship as emotional training for relationship skills.
1
I'm so grateful that I grew up before porn was so ubiquitous. When my daughter is older, I hope to have open, frank conversations. I'll be leaving a copy of "Come as You Are" -- a feminist book on female sexuality tucked away on a bookshelf. I also think many modern romance novels are great models for both the physics of sex and the intimacy of a close relationship.
Praise to the NYT for reporting on this topic. The causal and proper use of terms, solid peppering of available research, and variety of ideas and questions are exactly what's needed to make this a more normalized conversation.
Let's keep it going.
2
Although they have loads more information available to them, they seem to be as poorly informed as I was in the 1950s.
1
No one seems to think it’s sickening how expectation of undiluted pleasure has overtaken what used to be a caring romantic ideal.
1
This class seems aimed at developing empathy and a sort of gentleness that I absolutely commend.
To any of the young people reading this article, as an adult I would like to say that kindness and respect for others is the first and last principle of leading a happy and meaningful life - in all interpersonal situations. I have definitely had my fair share of times when I’ve made others miserable (and myself ultimately), all of which can be tied back to my own selfishness and inconsiderate attitudes. Constantly learning and practicing empathy seems the most worthy use of our short time in life.
2
This is a real conundrum for me. I would never watch and strongly agree with the censorship of pornography that shows or promotes cruelty toward other people. But I have to be honest and say I have watched mainstream pornography myself for many years. However, I had been sexually active long before pornography became so available to anyone of any age. I do think that the portrayal of women in some pornography today as submissive and seeking only to please men rather than as full partners in a wonderful experience is destructive to both young men and women who have no frame of reference when they watch it. And I don't quite know what should be done.
2
Americans obsess about sex. Pornography, though it has always existed, is today the product of an alienated society where bodies are traded like clothes, the superficial physicality becomes a product and everything is a commodity including our relationships. Porn titillates and provides virtual relations and relief for alienated watchers. How it might affect the developing young is not really understood any better than how constant exposure to cell phones, computers, advertising, militarism and violence do.
It is unbelievable that internet pornography isn't regulated in the same manner as television and magazines. Name/password with age verification is simple protocol at this point.
1
Anyone exploring the VAST offerings of pornography in print or on the web can only come to one conclusion: There is something for everyone.
What we have found is that production companies tend to specialize. X-Art has some fine photography of loving couples sharing the experience. Bellesa does some of the same quality work showing healthy models engaged in lovemaking.
Other franchises show terrible behaviour of young people. CollegeFuckFest comes to mind. It is every father's nightmare of spring break. Reality TV style with no script, no condoms, no connections, just sexual sport. All the models are fully engaged in reckless hedonism.
You can find POV sites, parody sites, vintage sites, interracial sites, groups sites, etc.
Search algorithms make results very discrete. You can search for a single model and binge watch all their films organized by date and watch them grow over the years. You can search just for your race, just your preference, just your proclivity, just your particular fantasy.
Always remember: At any time you can just turn it off and read a book.
Kids desperately need instruction in understanding media. Violence, sex and many other human experiences are exploited for titillation, oversold, and distorted. They need help sorting fantasy from real life. They need to know there is CG drama, editing and acting.
The schools give children computers as young as 6 years old. There are not controls on the computers. Parents do not know whether they are doing homework, playing games, or doing something worse.
The tech companies deliberately make it difficult to monitor the tech devices. The parental controls do not work. They block many school-required sites and require constant parent oversight.
This has been a problem for over ten years. When is the government going to help and start regulating these things?
To older people, it's "satanic" and "harmful."
To those younger, it's informative.
To those real young, it's confusing. That's what this article is about.
With the instant access that the youngest generation has today--something that some of us did not have before the internet--it's important that they're asking questions.
But it's not all or mostly "misogyny." That's a term getting thrown around too much as an explanation for everything. What it is, is...a business transaction.
These are actors getting paid. It's often as real as Iron Man or Captain America.
As long as these kids keep asking questions, they should be all right.
31
I find it fascinating that in today's world, we must hire an "expert" in order to breast feed our babies, and now we apparently need to have classes in order to teach teenagers how to have sex (NOT sex ed - something far more). How on earth have we managed to continue to procreate for all these thousands of years, without all these courses!!!
When I had my babies 45+ years ago, a phone call to a nurse at the OB's office was all I needed if I was having any trouble - it was usually just to reassume me that I was doing this "properly".
And how to have sex? Amazingly, no one ever has seemed to need an instruction manual to do this - hormones have always taken care of this. Yes, I know - there was once a time where a girl's mother handed her a plain book to read before her wedding night, telling her what to expect. That was in such a different era it's hard to even imagine a girl today been that unsophisticated.
Teens should not be instructed in having sex. They are not old enough to be doing this. Oh, I am well aware many ARE doing it, but at what cost? I always told my children and now tell my teenage grandchildren that intercourse is for when one is old enough and financially independent enough to raise a child on ones old, either together as a couple, or the woman alone. Abortion is not a form of birth control and should not be used as such, in my opinion.
Sure, how to have sex on the taxpayer's dime. Great idea!
20
With due respect, this is not teaching teens how to have sex -- it's keeping them from having the WRONG KIND of sex. Porn is not lovemaking. Porn is a business behind subjugation of women AND men; and is a subterranean industry that we want kids not to have to experience; moreover, we want them to learn how to make love, and enjoy the sex act; NOT to have them think that porn is normal -- that ejaculating on a woman's face is normal; or that anal then oral then vaginal is normal. Even anal isn't 'normal' -- it's a one-way, exit only orifice.
Either way, this is instructional -- we hope to be keeping kids from doing this.
3
It's not about how to have sex but rather how to critique porn so young people aren't severely disappointed when reality doesn't match up. I think it's great that someone is trying to help kids understand that pleasure in porn is very different from pleasure in real life, for male and female partners.
1
Whether we like it or not, teenagers are being instructed about how to have sex and what they should expect of themselves and their partners in sexual situations, by pornography. This is why a program like the one featured in this article has become a (sad) necessity. I would happily support this kind of program through my tax dollars if it decreased sexual violence, as well as psychological and physical trauma, to young people.
Hearing the opinions of the students should give us faith in our young people. They recognize far more than we give them credit for if we engage them intellectually. We owe them that. When 10 year olds were polled at my mother's school if "designer babies" and gene editing should be allowed, they were resolutely against it. One student even said "i might not have been selected."
49
In many important ways, our culture is predicated on the pursuit of subjective entertainment. It is stating the obvious that our entertainment options have exploded. Increasingly, we become passive participants watching others "do" something like play football. I can't (and have no desire to) dribble a basketball, but I tremendously enjoy watching professional game highlights online. If for whatever reason I'm unable to travel, I can virtually visit Rome.
The other day my 7-year old asked to watch a youtube video of someone opening 100 packs of Pokemon cards. His eyes were bulging with excitement. Rather than wanting to possess the cards, he apparently wanted to experience someone else opening the packs. Should I consider this innocent online content directed towards kids as a gateway video?
13
I'm not sure if there is any benefit to reading an article that tries so very very hard to paint its subject matter in a negative light.
21
My son was 13 when I received my credit card statement which indicated that someone had signed up for a subscription pornography service. The merchant deleted the charge when informed of the age of the purchaser but then I had to confront my son when he got home. "Oh, thank God" he said, his relief surprising me. "I didn't mean to sign up and I didn't know how to tell you."
He tried to justify his curiosity though with this argument; "Didn't you look at magazines when you were my age?" which is the porn equivalent to "Didn't you try pot when you were younger?"
I said I had, but I said those were pictures, and by and large, far more innocent than video; most of the ones we saw were of naked women. More importantly, I emphasized that what was shown on video porn was not sex, but something distorted, even warped. Finally, I told him that the women in those videos were acting and not like real women, who have an equal role and right in sex that is rarely shown in porn.
It is possible that my words and the way I said them had no effect but 18 years later he is one of the most empowering, caring and sex-positive people I know.
As part of sex ed, include a segment on teaching how to approach online porn, and start at around the age that studies say the children are starting to access it.
87
This subject needs to get far, far more attention. Porn has been around for a long time now. That many sex educators are uncertain about how to address its influence is astonishing. Good for the Times for prominently presenting this article.
A couple of commennts. Education programs will certainly be most effective when they include male facilitators. I hope that becomes a priority going forward.
Also, the fundamental conditioning process of early exposure to porn should be more prominently emphasized. A lot of the article implies that the influence of porn consists primarily of cognitive-type learning, as in learning to drive. I submit that it’s way deeper. Sexual arousal and release are extremely powerful (the most powerful?) experiences. Whatever is paired and coexists with initial experiences of those physio-emotional states has a good chance of defining for a person what is erotic and sticking with that person throughout his or her life - much as the sights, smells, sounds, etc. involved in drug use are life-long triggers. Think partner pain, facials and all the rest. This is very powerful stuff. I hope education will be able to undo the damage. I’m not sure it will.
56
Yes! I can't agree more! When will this piece receive more attention ? It's astonishing that the conversation has yet to reinforce this potentially tragic outcome; the loss of an authentic, present experience of pleasure and intimacy with another human. Erotic literature can inspire the imagination. Repeated viewing of screen images burns into memory, obliterating the subtlety of interior responses. All becomes external fetish. I'm sad for these upcoming generations.
1
Thank you for pointing out the importance and enduring quality of the experiences that become paired with first sexual experiences. I agree that this is something that can be very hard to undo.
1
You are absolutely correct. The formative experiences of initial sexual exploration are very powerful, and we don't want these kids making huge mistakes choosing partners because they were taught that their desires were not as important as following some sick formula put forth by free porn.
Wow. I'm disheartened by the sex-negative attitudes expressed by NYTs Pick comments (How *do* you choose these, NYT's?). Many expressed a lack of tolerance for individual differences in what turns mutually consenting adults on. I completed my graduate dissertation on this topic over 20 years ago and many learnings are the same. Sexually explicit imagery - in and of itself - is NOT damaging. It's the context. Violent and coercive imagery, including depictions of inegalitarian relationships where women have little power - are damaging. Don't automatially conflate sex with violence. Rather, let's talk with teens about how our bodies work, where their personal "limits" are, how to demand respect and equal power, process emotions ... and demand NO when something doesn't feel right. Let's point out, and condemn, unequal, coercive relationships (across "porn", the workplace, school, mass media, etc.). Let's teach our daughters to be informed and assertive, just like AP student "A"! Let's talk about the affects of the latest rated-R "blood and guts" blockbuster. Above all, let's let *empirical data* guide discussions with our teens so that they can make healthy, informed decisions. And, finally, let's please put uniformed, value-laden attitudes aside. I couldn't disagree more with Alan from CT saying that the programs described her are "Horrible, horrible stuff, satanic". I see not much has changed in 20 years. We owe our sons and daughters better.
41
Hetero sex is by its very nature an arrogant expression of male privilege, engaging in a dominant act of physical violence.
After reading this article, it is not hard to imagine why the is so much sexual harassment and abuse in our society. Boys become men and the images stay with them and get reinforced by TV shows (2 Broke Girls, Cougar Town, etc.) and lots of movies and the current president. As Trump would say, Sad.
34
I grew up before the internet was around, there has always been sexual harassment going on.
1
This article is disturbing on so many levels. Maybe I took it wrong but it seems to suggest that frequent sexual activity is just fine for teens and that internet porn is a valid avenue for learning about sex. Social media and the Internet make sexual information ubiquitous but that does not mean that teens or children who see it are ready to be exposed to it or able to interpret it. It used to be that dangers in the world came from outside the home but now it comes to kids at home on their phones; isn't technology great.
15
This reminds me of the recurring scare over ‘violent video games’. Wealthy, comfortable, middle aged and older people love to be shocked at the scandalous and clearly perverting material consumed by their young children. Never mind that when it comes to actual, lived reality teenagers are acting today much the way they did 20 years ago when I was their age (an age in which internet porn ALSO existed!!!).
People, even young people, can discern between reality and fiction much better than most people seem to realise. Arguably the digital natives are better attuned to this than their forebears, which explains part of the severe miscommunication between the two groups. No amount of porn watching will turn an awkward young couple’s first sexual experience into some sort of debauched escapade. Their awkwardness and self-consciousness will get in the way, just as it always has!
The outcry over pornography (yet again!) is just another excuse for older people to feel that most delicious mixture of disgust, moral righteousness and secret titilation that they so desperately crave. THEY are the ones I worry about when any teen sex story comes up. They are he ones with the perverted and dangerous thoughts....not the usually innocent teenagers.
33
Flagged for ageism.
1
Clearly, boys and men need to be educated about porn and its debasement of women. They shouldn’t assume that disrespectful treatment of women, and sexual violence, is okay. We really don’t want these same piggish assaultive men dating porn stars and then becoming President.
Oh wait, that’s already happened!
44
Utterly predictable, gratuitous slam at Trump. Could just as easily been written about JFK or MLK.
It's so ridiculous how the U.S. has become so puritan about sex. If sex was discussed openly and honestly, The U.S. would not have all the sexual bad behavior and crimes. U.S. Parents should take their heads out of the clouds.. If Parents.. if you think your children are not looking at online porn... your only lying and kidding yourself!!!
18
I always joke that I got my sexual information from James Bond. Certainly not remotely as explicit as porn, but pernicious in a similar way. There was the same phony message about being masterful and (hyoer) self-confident, not to mention the erotically tinged patter from the Bond girls. Finally, I remember being shocked, shocked that serving badly made martinis to dubious girls did not lead to sexual conquests. Over the years women have taught me a thing or two, thank goodness, and I am indebted to them.
38
the key to Bond is being 6' 2" and looking like Sean Connery or Timothy Dalton.
I am shocked that gay kids are almost completely erased from this article. The one, quick comment you make is that gay porn helps them know that there are others out there like them. Fine. But beyond that, gay porn creates a whole parallel universe of unrealistic expectations and toxic messages, just as straight porn does. But I guess that's not worthy of discussion. Are gay kids' lives and psyches just not important? (Hey, not *that* many of them kill themselves.) Or is gay porn assumed to be "harmless" because there's no question of a power dynamic between genders? Or is the porn watched by "those people" just, well, you know, "their business"? Why in 2018 is the New York Times erasing gay people?
35
It could also be that LGBTQ teens were not interested in joining these classes. I imagine, that despite the effort made to make the classes safe, it would be very hard to put yourself out there to join a class like this when you're probably still figuring yourself out. also, scientific studies are notorious for primarily studying cisgendered, white males so little information exists about LGBTQ youth regarding their interest or viewing of porn. more effort should probably be made by the writer to comment on this but alas.
It is a cliche, but it starts with parents.
a) Talk calmly and openly to your kids about sex. Create a culture in your house where these topics aren't secret, dirty, or silly. Start it when your children are little and teach them to use appropriate words, to draw boundaries, and to be confident in their ownership of their bodies. Answer questions honestly, from the first questions about "babies" and differences between boys and girls in preschool and kindergarten to deeper questions about sexuality and relationships in adolescence.
b) Demonstrate tenderness and affection in your marriage and relationships. Show them what a healthy relationship looks like.
c) Monitor internet usage. "But but but screens are EVERYWHERE!" Who buys the screens? Who makes rules for their use? Parents do. There is literally NO reason a teenager needs a smartphone - they still make flip phones with call and text. There is a no reason a computer needs to be in a private place in the house - a corner of the kitchen or den for homework is a perfectly good place for a computer.
Parents need to not only learn how to say "no" to screens though. They also need to learn how to provide an alternative to their kids. Take them hiking or to the park. Play board games together on snow days. Talk about and demonstrate the joy of marriage and commitment. Show them what real life and real love and real relationships are about and they won't seek cheap substitutes.
23
I more or less agree with exactly what you say (I'm a bit cruder...), but I'd like to add one more important annotation: slap a Bible in their hands at a young age. Even secularist teens could find surprisingly helpful values without the necessity to confront anyone or resort to the dangerous internet.
Kids much younger than high school aged are viewing this stuff. Where are the parents? I feel there should be more education around limiting viewing esp for younger ones. I fear this generation and the twisted worlds they're being exposed (to pun intended?) to.
11
Reading through the comments, I am struck by how many approve of teenagers use of pornography. Here we are amidst the so-called MeTooMovement, in which women are calling men on even the slightest microaggression that can deamed secual molestation, yet they condone watching porno, so long as it is understood to be false. A constant diet of porno is not good for young people to shape healthy relationships. But the liberal, whose values are suspect, porno is healthy activity so long as its understood. That's one reason why the USA is on the wrong course.
15
Oh, stop it. Liberals and women certainly don’t think porn is permissible for young people “as long as it’s understood to be false”. Liberals aren’t the scourge of the earth, for God’s sake, and blaming women for failing to solve yet another sleazy problem created by men is outrageous.
Since we’re on the subject of porn and young people - and note the remark of one young man in this article that there is nowhere else for today’s teenagers to go for information on sex - allow me to remind you that it’s the puritanical Republicans who are advocating for abstinence-only education and screaming every time anyone tries to introduce comprehensive sex ed in schools. Oh, and they’re shutting down Planned Parenthoods, too, so there’s nowhere for these kids to go to get low-cost birth control or gynecological exams if their parents can’t or won’t take them to the doctor. Your outrage over the fact that young people are getting their sex education from porn is false and egregious if you’re not also equally outraged by the fact that Republicans don’t feel the need to educate these kids in the first place. These reprehensible elected officials, hiding behind “family values” and Christianity, are the reason this country’s on a wrong course. Liberals and women have nothing to do with it.
3
I’m a liberal who is not happy about the incessant use of internet Porn by kids or adults. This is not the Kama Sutra. It’s mostly demeaning or disassociated (from human emotion) sexual acts that can change your own sexual views and behavior. I’ve trained a dog. We use rewards. What better reward than an orgasm. To pretend that internet Porn isn’t effecting society in someway, shaping our sexuality is naive.
I was wondering the same thing. I'm all for sex--real, true, giving and receiving pleasure sex-- but porn is not any of that.
"There’s nowhere else to learn about sex"
This is what is truly sad.
51
Um, maybe they could try their local public library...
Interesting. These women seem to have found the right approach to helping teens to understand the world of sex a little better. I am also very impressed with most of the teens, who seem genuinely curious not just about sex, but about how to interpret the porn that they watch.
Less impressive are the visceral reactions of many commenters here. Despite the massive consumption of pornography by people of all ages, the consensus appears to be that it is "vile", "twisted", or even "satanic"(??), and I have no doubt that many of these posters would vote to censor it from society, as if some puritanical revolution might be able to stuff that genie back in the bottle.
For many of us, particularly those of older generations, interest in sex is still a source of shame. Unfortunately, it is this tendency to hide from the issue that keeps us from rationally discussing the collateral issues, some of which are bad and could use some attention. I am thankful that some people, like those discussed in the article, are starting to look at the issue straight on, and are learning how best to address it.
Parents, trust your teens. If they are raised with good values, they are not going to become selfish jerks simply because they saw some porn, just like they are not going to shoot someone simply because they played a violent video game. Rather than being worried for them, we should be thankful that they seem to have a better comprehension of the subject than we did when we were their age.
16
I'm 66; when I came of age, porn was print matter, and it was the age of Playboy Magazine. My parents gave me fact-based information on heterosexual intercouse early on, but there was nowhere to learn about the social, interpersonal aspect of it, including the right time and mood to initiate any sort of sexual activity.
I realized I was interested in men by age 12, but could not express it until a friend from freshman year at college told me at the beginning of sophomore year that he spent the summer having sex with men. I realized that I was not alone, and "respectable" people from my social milieu could also have same-sex desires--and could act on them.
HOW to act on them was another story. I was VERY lucky in my partners, who believed in tenderness, gently expressing their wants, and putting the priority on the partner rather than the act(s) performed. This stood me in excellent stead, culminating in a 30-year relationship with a wonderful man (we've been married for the past nine+ years).
At our ages, conversation, tenderness, and shared interests are far more important than porn-style "sex."
It all begins with conversation and, truthfully, affection and good kissing. Considering my experiences, perhaps there should be a school for kissing techniques! (I realize my second partner got his from watching theatrical movies, to wit, "Bell, Book, and Candle" and "It Should Happen to You.")
23
We spent the 60's getting here and now you want to throw it away? Who says sex has to be refined, or hard to get, or anything but a turn-on? If you don't want to eat unless you're hungry, then starve yourself before meals but not anyone else.
8
Eating repeatedly when you aren't hungry - especially if you are eating junk - usually leads to obesity and diabetes, among other things.
Healthy eating habits involves regularly eating quality food, when you are hungry, often at organized times to bond with others.
Unfortunately, those who eat McDonalds and Snickers all the time end up not being able to taste or enjoy a gourmet meal or dessert.
14
your comment brought to mind Paul Newman.
He was married to Joanne Woodward but still women would approach him. Someone asked why Mr. Newman stayed faithful.
He said, "Why have hamburger when I have filet mignon at home."
Now that's sexy.
18
Jeanne,
That implies that women who approached him were less attractive than his wife. What if the women who approached him were MORE attractive than his wife? Newman's comment isn't about intimacy. It's about comparative attractiveness.
I love Paul Newman, but if a 30 yr version of his wife had approached him, his comment wouldn't make much sense. It sounds good, but doesn't hold up to any sort of scrutiny.
2
American society is sexually sick. The entertainment industry saturates viewers of all ages with sexual imagery of multiple degrees of amorality - from supposed "true love" based only on sexual attraction, to one night stands to adultery to rape and sexualized murder, to sexually charged advertising to pornography featuring deviant behavior of all kinds. Simultaneously, segments of our population and government work to prevent sex education, birth control, funding for education, health care, and social services, parental leave, abortion, and values education based on scientific fact and the real consequences of immoral sexual behavior.
The "Me Too" movement conflates a lecherous joke or stolen hug involving adults who are perfectly capable of defending themselves, with devious grooming, rape and sexual exploitation of the weak by the powerful. Women who dress and act seductively and/or place themselves in compromising situations while drinking with men are not held accountable for their irresponsible behavior, while men who respond accordingly are ruined for life. Meanwhile, the real rapists, murderers, and exploiters manage to continue their depravity unchecked.
Our children (and all of us) are swimming in a treacherous and incomprehensible sea of contradictions. Perhaps the Creator will realize He/She made a big mistake and remove our species from the planet once and for all. Global Warming may be the solution the Universe was waiting for.
12
Basically everyone in the comments is arguing puritanical ideas that all sex is evil because god, all sex degrades women just because, and all knowledge of sex corrupts children because adults are afraid of sex.
These are all patently false notions created to satisfy the segment of the population that is utterly terrified of all sexual behavior. If any of this bunko were true the human race would have imploded millennia ago.
The cheap American pearl-clutching morality being argued here has an exceedingly short shelf life. If wal-mart decides to raise its prices all these moralists will have something more important to fume about.
31
PORN PRO/CON? Porn is a fact of life anymore. Once I had to evaluate a 2nd grade girl who had asked her teacher if she could stay indoors at recess to use the classroom computer. He found out that she was teaching the other kids how to find porn websites. That was about 12 years ago. Since then I'm sure that kids watching porn has become far more prevalent than that. My observation about what's going on these days is that kids often become so absorbed in the use of electronic devices that they become socially isolated and, hence, often lack experience with peer groups. If kids' social skills are limited by watching videos, the same would hold true, logically, for watching porn online. The descriptions I read in this article confirm that idea. What the kids get experience in doing is becoming familiar with the mechanics of sexual activities in a social vacuum. The intimacy that is the basis for relationships in general and for sexual relationships in particular, is absent while watching porn. Also, rather than going through mutual discovery with a sexual partner, they're watching the actions of actors. Literally, since the sexual experience is based upon visual images, it is, in effect, imaginary. And the kids in the article seemed confused about how the acting the saw reflected or did not reflect their own emotions, feelings, attachments and beliefs about themselves and others. What is needed is learning how to give and receive pleasure through intimacy.
12
Could it be that uptight, Christian parents with their support of abstinence only sex Ed have effectively outsourced their parental responsibilities to talk to their children to pornographers?
26
Every adolescent should take a course like this.
12
Whatever the harm from porn for young people, I hope there is no serious consideration of outlawing it. It will then become another forbidden fruit, spawning violent crime and ruined lives. Some things are less harmful kept legal, even if they have wretched aspects.
Maybe a threat to it unless it reforms as an institution?
2
The ideal is for a child to begin learning about sex from open minded, honest, concerned parents sometime around third or fourth grade, but that is rare for a variety of reasons, most due to timid or ignorant parents. Teens, and preteens, are always going to be curious about sex, and want to learn. If loving caring, respectful sex is not taught by parents, or in intelligent, honest sex education in school (teaching abstinence alone does not suffice), then they will turn to porn sites for their education. There needs to be honest and early sex EDUCATION in school to balance what they learn from porn.
4
I immigrated to America (legally) as a young male from Asia. Before I arrived here, I had no idea that men are supposed to instinctively check out every woman's rear, and picture her in bed. I guess that is America's greatest export today, lack of class and morality.
20
The influx of ever more graphic, violent, readily accessible, porn deserves far more scrutiny. It's correlation with sexual abuse of our female population and growing misogyny amongst all ages of men and boys should not be under estimated. Several years ago a Bay Area public radio station ran a two hour in depth expose about the rampantly expanding and prosperous pornography industry (wish a could recall the station). I was shocked to learn that day that pornography is at the tip top of revenue producing businesses in America. If it's true we need far far more in depth reporting across the media landscape. Thanks NYT for opening this forum to discuss this hugely consequential issue!
15
Maybe.... Maybe.... This is not as bad as it looks. Before the industrial revolution, that is when people were living in small towns and villages, young people got their first sex lesson from to domesticated animals copulating in streets and in farms. Perhaps porno literature and videos help people to get rid of their sexual frustrations which I believe is widespread. Without the porno's peaceful outlet many people would perhaps would be compelled to do worst things such as sexual abuse and violence.
1
Add to internet porn, apps like Tinder and Bumble, the function of which is facilitate casual sex between strangers, and it is easy to see how young people may learn that relationships involve the objectification of women and the short term gratification of sexual urges. Young people can learn intimacy through their parents if their parents have loving relationships. But where does that leave the legions of kids who come from dysfunctional homes?
I once heard an interview with Mythbuster Jamie Hyneman whose young daughter had stumbled on a porn site. As he struggled to explain to her what she had seen he said he just blurted out that the internet hates women. Unfortunately, for many kids who have no role models for intimate relationships, the horrible example of internet porn may play at least some role in forming their attitudes about relationships.
10
It's interesting that we seem to take the ubiquity of Internet porn as a given. The rules governing TV and radio were formed during less libertarian times, so we have at least some minimum bar of acceptable behavior in those media. Why have we ceded the debate on unrestricted access to legal, but demeaning Internet porn? It's only too late if we believe it is.
7
Unmentioned here in any way: how porn is about hating women. Popular culture saturates the lives of girls with image after image of misogyny, a term no longer used, referred to now as gender sensitivity. I have seen a number of young men bored by vulgarity toward women. They can't make friends of girls or fall in love. Any clinician in practice will tell you how the male clients see degradation as boring. On the dark web now, they seek thrills with snuff porn. The young women are less inclined to use men for sex yet seek this as a behavioral ideal. They are losing any appetite for a partner and many opt to focus lives on building careers. We have a huge crisis. Callousness is very "in" yet the kids ache for connection. Any word about STDs here in this high school course?
12
When violent rapes are now being 'live streamed' on Facebook, if is of major concern to everyone. Whole new deal going on here in today's world.
It is NOT sneaking peeks at Playboy centerfolds or Nat'l Geo anymore.
It is much, much more nefarious and dark.
23
Incredible that women being paid to appear that they enjoy something isn't even brought up in this or considered by the kids.
15
Uh, the entire ARTICLE is about how women are paid to fake it. They even discuss the prices.
1
Along with porn, the influences of violence in music compound with social media to numb this generation to human feeling.
Or, they sense that it has intimidated them and made them afraid. They know this has made them shy away from social contact.
The locker room at the gym has become a very quiet and less social place.
6
The world is not as the TV shows Show it. I did not watch a lot of TV as a kid, one main reason is that My parents did not watch much themselvs. But one day in West Germany, On base, The German TV had nude people doing things that well, I am not sure what, the TV was turned off and I don't remember seeing it on much after that. I was 7 when we left Germany and It remember only having like an hour of TV a day. The first porn I saw was print. But as soon as I got of the age my parents sat me down and we had talks. Not that I remember them much. I was exposed to how my dad treated my mom and the knowledge of the internet was not my first teacher.
Sad that the core Teachings is the staged actions of staged sex. That isn't the real world, so now we get the warped ideas, and all the good bits about sexual awareness is lost in the vaporware...
2
Porn addicts don't know what they are missing.
4
There is no reason to think that Pavlovian conditioning does not take place with porn. It's a powerful stuff: you see all these images while your pleasure center is turned on. It must have some effect on the preferences and expectations on women, if not the sex behavior itself, of the boys. If it does, it may not be all that innocent as some people claim. It may have a social implication.
19
The old ladies of (banned in Boston) fame were right. Progressive hippy liberals of the 60 and 70's (of which I was one) were dead wrong and the cause of this mess...
4
I wish my kids had had access to a class like this, it would go a long way towards building knowledge and confidence in their sexuality, an understanding of the sexuality of potential partners, the dynamic of how sex is portrayed in the media- porn included- and how it unfolds in real life. This knowledge would hopefully result in more functional relationships. It's too bad that our society is so uptight about sex that it hasn't implemented full blown sexual training for all people, imagine how much better our relationships would be!
4
When I was a kid none of us had any knowledge about sex. And then in due course you figured it out. While we tend to be prudes when it comes to sex here in the US this may not be a bad thing - let kids figure it out for themselves within the basic safeguards of teaching them about pregnancy, condemns, STD's etc. Not everything has to be analyzed and notated on and put into a scientific journal - leave some mystery and the fun of figuring it out themselves in sex.
1
NOOOOOO! I cannot believe there is a pilot program that believes newly minted teenagers are capable of analyzing and understanding visual pornography. And this from misguided university profs who have to justify their existence in the field of kinky psychology. I am liberal enough to believe in live and let live but this crosses many lines.
The way to stop kids from having the wrong fantasies about what boys and girls need is not to slam sex education in weird titillating ways at a young age. But to educate kids from the elementary schools onwards about having respect for each other regardless of gender, race or culture. I find it puzzling that folks here with such plentiful resources would focus on a stupid passé idea that school is the ground to groom children to start perfecting a mating ritual. THIS HAS GOT TO END. The world of knowledge is evolving and we are still stuck with ancient thoughts on how children should be molded. Each and everyone of us needs to take responsibility over why your child might or might not gravitate towards abuse/violence that is always going to exist. But first establish strongly in their minds that men and women are equal and compassion and respect go hand in hand with any dealings romantic or platonic. This necessarily starts at HOME.
8
This behavior is very disturbing and unhealthy for young people to be engaging in. I do not know how viewing of pornography can make teenagers happy and not negatively affect their self esteem. This is just so unnatural and to have it part of a school curriculum is very upsetting. I guess I am a bit prudish but I think this is so wrong to be encouraging our young people to be looking at this smut. It would be interesting to do a follow up study of these teenagers ten, twenty years from now and see how they are doing psychologically after this constant barrage of filth.
You have another article in today's paper about a woman who has written a book describing her experience in the pornographic movie business. Apparently it did not turn out too well for her and I do not think it will turn out well for these young people either. This is a big mistake and to encourage this risky behavior is just plain wrong.
5
I want to make an important correction to my comment. The woman who wrote the memoir, Erica Garza, was not a pornographic movie star. Ms. Garza, the writer, was addicted to pornography lots of it and hookups. If this memoir does not convince you that pornography is harmful and destructive nothing will.
Do you really think these young people will stop once they become adults? If you do, you are very naive. This is a sickness as Ms. Garza so aptly describes.
Sorry for the error about Ms. Garza.
Very difficult to talk about, much less research and report accurately, anything about sex and younger people. After all, it's a criminal act.
The current approach is deductive (what do we expect to find, and test it). That's great if there's a robust debate around theory and data. But given the restrictions, legal, moral, and pyschological, on this subject's discussion, inductive methods are needed.
The numbers in this article are OK. But they're presented as deductions: a sex practice is defined, and some quantity is counted to demonstrate. Instead, show the numbers first: what quantity watches what, prioritized by volume, and broken down by attributes like gender. That puts things in perspective, before defenses and expectations kick in.
2
Both aggression and sexuality have significant biological and cultural components. If the consumption of violent media over the last 50 years is any predictor, watching excessive porn will have little effect on human behavior.
8
Sweden led the way with porn openness by most progressive standards, That nation seems to be doing just fine by most progressive standards. What do they do, that we don't?
8
Sweden has very high suicide rates.
80 million viewers a day.... think about that, it's the crack-cocaine of the psyche.
3
"Half as many parents thought their 14- and 18-year-olds had seen porn as had in fact watched it. And depending on the sex act, parents underestimated what their kids saw by as much as 10 times."
Not sure I've ever seen so many societal problems packed into so few words. But maybe that's just because I see it through the lens of a high school teacher.
The profit motive seemingly ruins everything that's good about life. Why should sex be any different? I think that has to be the most striking moment in this story: when the pay rates are listed off, it goes from sexy to nasty.
I went through puberty during the 00s' Wild West years of internet porn. We all know what the "e" in eMachines was really for. I still remember that moment of epiphany, when I discovered that actors in gay porn were paid A LOT more. Suddenly it all clicked into place: why they were all so ripped, the absurd screaming, the soap opera quality to it all. They were all straight and getting paid to live at the gym.
The real danger of porn is the same as the rest of the internet revolution: everything is centered on the "user experience". We're all so disconnected from each other that we get trapped in our own heads, unable to see or touch flesh and blood human beings who are inches away. Nothing is real. It is reality TV sans clothing, and we all know the implications of that by now.
3
Just another outcome of the atheist liberal popular culture we are surrounded by with it's easy morals, destructive licentiousness and disregrad for human dignity. As their children descend into this pit, they hypocritically blame all but what is found in their mirrors. Just desserts.
4
Avis,
You too may wish to check that mirror kettle.
Care to guess which states view the most porn?
How about which have the most pregnancies?
Maybe you prefer divorce rates?
How about STD rates?
(Quick answer...it isn't the "atheist liberal popular culture" locals.)
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/Business/story?id=6977202&page=1
https://www.livescience.com/27418-state-teen-pregnancy-rates.html
https://www.ranker.com/list/highest-u-s-divorce-rates-by-state/taylor-ra...
https://www.livescience.com/48100-sexually-transmitted-infections-50-sta...
19
If I were a teenage girl being exposed to today’s porn, I’d join a convent.
18
Or buy "50 Shades of Grey" and go see the movie a few times with your Mom as so many did.
The mixed messages from todays society are pretty irritating.
1
I'll never forget what one writer, Richard Foster, once said: "The problem with pornography isn't that it goes too far, the problem is it doesn't go far enough." We have too often separated the act of sex from the meaning of sex and have missed both its design and intent.
1
I'm not technologically averse, however it wasn't long ago that we all managed to live quite well without smartphones as well as the internet.
I believe this is one of the greater downsides to the technology revolution.
I had never seen anything remotely pornographic until the VCR was available.
Regarding this piece, "Playboy" was "risqué" just a few decades ago.
We certainly won't know for decades the toll this total access to virtually anything recorded will have on future generations.
Imagine that?
4
I prefer not to read an essay with such a title page.
4
I think we might be there. During the next Presidential Election, we should ask the candidates what their favorite type of porn is? This should give us some good insight into their decision-making skills.
4
Porn just isn’t sexy. Sort of like eating junk food for the empty calories.
2
The article is dealing far more with boys than girls - this is unbalanced.
2017 reviews shows more women watch porn on smartphones than men.
And smart phones are what young people use.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4299390/More-women-watch-...
1
I grew up in a small poor S IN town - sex education was non existent. A lot of girls graduated HS pregnant - and that had been done for years. My parents had to get married with me. My brothers and I worked long hours 6 days a week in a grocery store. Finally my brother and I asked why was it we had to go to Sunday School/Church because we knew our Sunday School teacher ran the local hookers in our local resort hotel - all the girls were at least 18 YRS old and the only other work available was minimum wage - $1.25 per hour. We never went back to Church and have not been back in over 60 years and delight in telling bible thumpers this story.
We had availability of condoms in gross quantities for very good prices. On weekends, guys would drive up behind our old clunker car - flip their lights and we would stop and they would walk up and buy their condoms for a very good price as the only other source was local gas station bathrooms.
It is good to see more information available. If the bible pounders get control again, they will make a mess of it. Have not been in a church in almost 60 years and living back in the bible belt once again is an experience.
19
This article is actually a great example of confirmation bias for me, in that pornography is a factory for creating expectations that cannot be met nor ever could be met. The people in real life - their bodies, their behavior - can't compete with the fantasies lived out on screen. And I know of no force more destructive in relationships than unmet expectations.
10
Not that I disagree, but you could make the same argument for Hollywood romance movies.
3
I am a 34 year old educated, liberal woman and I am deeply disturbed by the access to pornography. How is it that you need to show ID for smokes, booze, and - in the past - porn, but now porn is just widely available. I'm concerned about what this is doing to our kids and we need regulations to have all porn sites age restricted. Where are our conservative leaders on that?? I'm also concerned that all women now have to accept that their partners watch porn - sometimes violent, crude, pornography with exploited women. As a society, we need to gets our heads wrapped around this issue and I believe put forth legislation to protect our youth. The onus cannot be on parents who can barely control their own devices, much less the internet access to their kids friends as well. We need a bill that requires prove of age to access online porn, plain and simple.
28
I am a 44 year old educated, conservative man and I agree with you!
Performers are paid to deliver whatever the director wants, not just in "porn" but most movies made today have women naked and falling into bed within an hour of meeting the male lead and that is simply not real life. Many male directors and producers clearly want it that way....right Harvey? Leaving the impression that such fast behavior (although less revealing and less sexually varied than the acting in porn) is normal. It is not...Surprise! most women don't hump anything that moves....nor do they want to (sarcasm intended)
10
Seriously NYT, stop with the nude pictures of women. Twice this week you have posted drawings/pictures of nude women. We do not need the pictures to alert us to the point of the article. In fact in this case it defeats the point.
42
"Kyrah, a 10th-grade feminist with an athlete’s compact body and a tendency to speak her opinions, didn’t hesitate." Could you not, NYT?? This article of all places? I don't see descriptions of anyone else's body...unnecessary.
159
Thank you! This bothered me immensely.
5
Yes! This! I read that twice because I couldn’t figure out why the Times was describing the body of a 15 yr old girl. I thought I missed some relevancy somewhere. Nope! Really, NYT?
3
Thanks for pointing this out. I too wondered why the author felt the need to describe this particular girl's physique. If it were a guy writing the article he'd probably be accused of insensitivity or worse.
2
Why are no girls interviewed?
14
There is, one of them was identified as A.
Read the article.
1
I don't know about intimacy, but the porn from the 80's and 90's I've seen seems to show a lot of female pleasure. The men always give cunnilingus, and the women appear to achieve climax, often by using their hand in conjunction with the man's anatomy. There's also kissing. Maybe current porn is different. Maybe it's more shock porn.
What porn always lack is conversation. If conversation is considered a big part of foreplay, then foreplay in porn will always be incomplete. But if physical tenderness and GGG are the key parts of intimacy, then most of the stuff I've seen 80's and 90's, is somewhat intimate. Threesome porn gets less intimate very quickly.
Some of the more contemporary porn I've seen (research, of course) involves guys paying girls they meet money to perform. That stuff tends to be colder and more brutish. The 80's and 90's stuff is often about spouses reconciling after a fight or a female therapist seducing her patient or something like that. The characters know each other and want to have sex with each other.
The ultimate sex scene in Debbie Does Dallas shows female enjoyment and a man at least trying to please the woman. Debbie looks happy. But it starts with a store owner chasing a cheerleader around his store and blocking her attempt to leave the store. That's a bit like rape. But all the sex after that involves smiles, pleasure, and mutual gratification. The main bad message there is "she'll be into it, if you force her to do it."
1
still fake.
5
as opposed to what? Nothing theatrical is real.
Like I said, many of those pornstars were married in real life. For example, Deidre Holland and Jon Dough were married in real life. Was their on screen sex fake? It actually *appears* to be sort of tender and a little romantic.
Hypatia Lee and Bud Lee were married as well. I saw one sex scene of their in the Ribald Canterbury Tales (an X-rated version of the already ribald Canterbury Tales by Chaucer). The scene was kind of warm and sexy.
A little too much analysis I would say. I hope you're not thinking of doing an illustrated history.
After decades of caring for, and teaching, kids, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that PARENTING is the problem here. Yes, much of this, gun violence, poor learning skills, drug addiction and all the worst of society pass unobserved by most parents. It's not an easy task, but having a child implies certain responsibilities other than birth.
There are enforceable parental controls, infinite learning situations and real-life examples in a family that should, and do in many cases, raise healthy, loving, intelligent children to adulthood. Unavoidable environments aside for this discussion, the average parent is clueless about what their child is really thinking and doing - especially those that communicate via TM across a dining table (if they even have one and sit there) with their kids. Teachers are increasingly frustrated with their students' behavior and the lack of involvement of the parents. There is little they can do without a good parent (and it often only takes one of these).
When I, as a Doctor, know more about my patients than their parents do - because I TALK and discuss stuff with them - we're in depth doo!
14
Interpretation is as individual as a fingerprint.
What horrified one, may excite another.
What one strives to remember, another may struggle to forget.
It's a complicated equation.
I'll save any other thoughts for Kinsey.
6
Porn's effect on gender identity and sexual activity is not a new phenomenon.
Mass entertainment of various sorts is focused on two things: sex and money. Mass media, like broadcast television, has always been dependent on the theme. Unfortunately, mass entertainment is totally vacuous on philosophy apart from attracting viewers to get money.
And, by the way, what do you think is the first human theme of the Old Testament: reproduction! Fortunately, something basic philosophy is introduced as well - it's not pure entertainment.
4
Although this article is intriguing, interesting, and informative, I would be interested to learn more about pornography's effects on LGBT youth. The one mention of LGBT youth and pornography in the article merely dismisses the interaction as positive and reaffirming for them (LGBT youth). I find this problematic because it subtly ties into the narrative that LGBT people are more sexually driven than their heterosexual counterparts; furthermore, it almost allows LGBT youth to be dismissed from having to worry about pornography's influences on their minds. My critique is not meant in any way to imply the article isn't important and provides really insightful information into what is occurring amongst youth and how they are perceiving themselves and others; rather, it is to comment on my desire to ensure LGBT youth's sexuality is not dismissed and they do not just begin to believe they cannot be affected by either pornography or media portrayal of their bodies and lifestyles.
95
Agreed - it also discounts that a VAST amount of lesbian porn is really still aimed at hetero men and their two-woman (or more) fantasies. Fake as it can be, with the women eyeing the camera the entire time rather than paying much attention to one another.
1
Also it seems that the enormous increase of young females, mostly homosexual, who are 'identifying as males' (some schools have dozens) is related to porn exposure- opting out of that objectified class (so they think).
3
(or identifying as 'non-binary'- anything but female)
1
The objective in porn is not sex, per se. It is to be as graphic as possible. Hence you see some curious patterns. After all the sex the guy ends up masturbating. As many fetishes as possible are indulged, like shoes and lingerie. Anal sex is de rigeur. A disturbing recent trend is pseudo rape. The guy wraps his hands around the girls throat. There’s face slapping and nose pinching. Fortunately, for a normal person, the more pervasive porn becomes the more boring it becomes.
8
I taught in a progressive school system that mandated sex education from middle,school through high school,and yet was constantly surprised at how little my students had learned. The risks of STD's and pregnancy were the main focus of instruction. Porn and peer influence seemed to be their main sources of information.
A Dutch colleague observed that if driving instruction was taught with the same approach we used for sex education no one would want to drive.
114
That's the point. The goal of these sex ed programs is to tell kids to not have sex. And they are naive enough to think it will work.
4
Thanks for this piece! Now I’m sitting here wondering: Do I text it to my teenage kids?
13
I did.
"‘There’s nowhere else to learn about sex —..."
That quote says it all; sex ed in this country is in a dismal state for even plain vanilla sex ed. The lack of knowledge in our younger people will get worse if the religious right has its way by stopping sex ed and birth control info and access to products.
Mike Pence will aid and abet this backward looking trend which results in more unwanted pregnancies, spread of diseases, and abortions.
How sad for us all that in this day and age we still suffer the ignorance, fear, guilt and shame imposed on our nation by religious zealots.
13
I'd be willing to wager that objective academic studies could easily show that there are many more important negative influences on the health of young people's views of heterosexual relations, including sex.
Among them: "Sex and the City", RomCom movies, Lifetime and E television, soap operas, Oprah and the "doctors" and products she has promoted, the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, "The Knot", the diamond value-inflaters and, yes, the florists and their $2 Billion/Valentine's Day business.
But the demographic that overwhelmingly supports this garbage, waste and mind-twisting is not the favorite target of social commentary these days.
8
I was relieved to see the focus of this article shifting, about halfway through, to the details of how these movies are made: the "cost" of sex acts and so on. When the teenagers are prompted to think about the actors as people, and imagine what it's like to be in front of a camera, the attitudes toward porn tend to mature.
But I was disappointed that the article -- and the curriculum, as reported -- did not touch on the high level of exploitation in videos that appear online. We do not know how many of the people appearing in sex videos are actually paid. We do not know how many are trafficked people, or coerced people. Many videos that appear these days are "candid," often uploaded without the consent or even knowledge of all parties.
The teenagers speak of the "porn stars" onscreen, and it seems adults, too, are accustomed to thinking of the people they see having sex as well-off, healthy adults who made the choice to get into this "industry" and for the most part enjoy what they do. But it's really not an industry at this point. There is deception and deep harm behind much of what appears on the websites mentioned.
If teenagers -- and others who watch the videos -- keep in mind that the girls, especially, in the videos may be coerced or threatened, or making just a few nominal bucks, they might view the videos differently. Or not view them at all.
Sex trafficking is a worldwide problem, and when we view online videos whose provenance is unknown, we are complicit.
331
I like your comment about recognizing that the girls in the videos may have been coerced or threatened, and knowing this may decrease interest in viewing.
I would also argue that if you view the girls in the video as someone's daughter or sister, it might lessen the allure as well.
3
Where is the realization that probably the majority of online porn these days is "amateur"? No one getting paid (directly, at least) - so the discussion of what each sex act costs is irrelevant. These amateur "stars" have fully incorporated what they have learned online and as "second generation" actors are likely even more persuasive that what they are doing is normative. And indeed, the ripple effects from online learning mean this abomination is truly becoming the norm.
I’m 52 now. Sometimes i think back to 1981 when i was 15 and had my first experience with a female. I was so shocked (and awed) by the fact that i was in the presecence of a naked female that i simply could not follow through. I was too nervous. I think a kid of 15 today is far more sophisticated in the ways of the world.
3
This honest approach to sexual education for young people is welcome.
We in the United States provide many a confusing message to our young people.
Our Vice President believes in the torture of conversion for LGBT youth.
Pornography, for the most part, is demeaning to its participants, especially Women. Even more debasing and sexualizing to Women, is a Vice President who can not share a meal with a woman, other than his wife, whom he calls Mother.
Obviously, we have a great deal of work to do here.
9
I am surprised that a most major principle is not made clear in this excellent rendition of the class: Women put a lot of their emotions in sex, when I was younger it was all performance gymnastics to me. This should be emphasized more than the anatomic theatrics. Great paper, courageous and sorely needed in our current quasi "Christianic republic".
6
Is it good or correct to put emotions into sex? I don't think the answer is as self-evident as many assume. Maybe women are expecting too much from sex. maybe the hold it too high regard and expect something akin to salvation from romance and sex.
I'ma very athletic person, and for me, sex is, perhaps on the the continuum with skiing, running, and auto racing in that it is a celebration of the body and the joy the body can provide. I am very body and sex positive, but I don't experience any metaphysical intertwining during sex, or I have, but not every time. I can't imagine expecting soul interpenetration every time I had sex. It would be like expecting spiritual transcendence every time I hear good music.
2
The best sex I have has been very in the moment--I am as mindful as when practicing yoga or meditation (but in a different way of course)
An important article about complex human behaviors. Well written.A number of additional issues could have been added and briefly discussed.
Consider that" healthy" relationships, between self and others, of whatever gender identity, and being sensitive to cultural issues, is not about the involvement in selected techniques between people (inter)relating as objects."Pornography," a word, term, concept, legal definition, label, process, outcome, etc., expressed in whatever media,neutralizes violating a fellow human being; consent being irrelevant. Consider, whatever the types of research in this area, pornography is not about documented selected sexual techniques.It can be a critical contribution to enabling an ever present, daily, toxic WE-THEY culture of violating selected "others;" be they employed film stars; deployed ISIS sex slaves, as well as those who have been, and continue to be the focus of powerful sexual predators. Pornography is not simply about "coming," or going into.It's about BEING a mensch. It's about mutual respect. Mutual caring. Mutual trust as people, and not simply as pleasure -enabling, or pain-cUsing, sexual objects.Mutual sensitivity. WE-THEY is pornographic!
2
This article by Maggie Jones is very well done. It's a reason why I read the Times. If only sexual behavior were far more universally taught in middle and high schools. Forget about our colleges. They take tons of taxpayer money but disdain a public role like teaching sexuality at this level.
3
Internet porno is another bad use of cell-phones, like using them while driving and crossing pedestrian intersections, which makes porno material easily available and has a natural attraction to young people. Instead of using cell-phones indiscriminately parents will do better by using them only for calling people as we did in older times to give a good example to their children. Cell-phone industry aggressively looks for profit not for the well being of our children.
4
And what about all the violent non-sexual content out there?
It seems that our puritanical society is so sex-obsessed that we obsess about erotica and give a pass to violence.
9
I want to hear President Trump weigh in on this critically important issue.
1
When my daughter was a teen and wanted to see a popular R rated movie, the big question was "is it r-rated only because it shows loving sex?" I could usually get a pretty good answer to that by going to web sites and reading about the movie. Our rule was: Loving sex is OK, you can go. Exploitative sex and violence is not OK.
8
What a fraught topic!
If I were in charge of such a course, I would start somewhere else. I’d start with relationships all children and teenagers have lots of experience with: relationships with animals, with pets.
I’d get a discussion started about how they’d make friends with an animal. Would being aggressive and mean work? How would they touch the animal? Harshly? Softly? How would most animals react to violence? Is violence against animals ok? Would films of violence against animals be ok?
Get some research on the % of women in porn or prostitution who were victims of sexual abuse as children, who may have victims of child pornography, who may have been “taught” to smile and appear to want or like abuse or being photographed while victimized. (Hint: it’s a high%)
Conversations like that, which start with what’s abusive to animals, might be a better way of approaching what’s abusive to humans.
24
There is nothing redeemable in the world of pornography. Women are portrayed as sexual objects for the gratification of men and not as vibrant, intelligent beings. I have personally seen the damage that can be done to someone from being addicted to this garbage. It isn't a pretty picture. He has no idea of what true intimacy can be and he has unrealistic expectations regarding women in general, and sex in particular.
When adolescents grow up reading or viewing pornography, they have a skewed perception of reality. Even if they aren't actually addicted to porn, they see the world as entirely sexual and women as equally willing to participate in their deluded expectations. When women aren't willing to cope with these insane expectations, men frequently, secretly start hating and demeaning women.
While many in our society might think porn serves a purpose, and many people are making billions off its production, the only purpose it serves is the easy sexual gratification of men and it has female degradation at its core. How can any civilized society condone such an abomination?
17
But there would be no heterosexual porn at all if it were not for the participation of women. How about starting there?
1
"Free" pornography isn't really "free". Pornography is a product created, like any other, for the profit of its products and distributors. Websites host porn content in order to earn advertising dollars, collect vast amounts of consumer data, and (for those sites that are vertically integrated) market their own productions. Like many other popular websites (e.g., social media platforms), porn websites are designed to capture consumers/customers so that they spend the maximum time on the site per session, which in turn maximizes the potential ad revenue and user data.
We're beginning to hear satires of how Facebook et al. use these sophisticated psychological manipulation and profiling to exploit our desire for social connection and validation. Those are powerful instincts, sure, but do they hold a candle to our sex drives, particularly among hormone-soaked adolescents? Is there any doubt porn sites are investing in the same insights into our dopamine-driven cravings for novelty and reward to attract and retain users, particularly the 18-and-under market segment?
I am concerned that these techniques are subjecting a generation of adolescents to an unregulated experiment in manipulating our most primordial human instincts, all in service of profit for (mostly) privately held companies.
12
We're beginning to hear STORIES, not "satires." Typed that too quickly.
The one sidedness of this article shows why this approach is social engineering masquerading as sexual education. The program seems to be designed to take impressionable boys and program them to dislike porn, which according the author reflects their intrinsic deep seated desires, clearly a futile exercise in mind control.
If the goal of this program is to manipulate the subconscious mind of young people to meet feminist goals, should not women be equally the subject of such indoctrination ?
For instance the fact that women's main fantasy according to Kinsey is to be raped, should be discussed openly in class. Also why the NYTimes best sellers list is always populated by romance novels, whose themes are of women dominated by powerful men, thanks to its popularity with women, not men.
These young people should also know that 50 shades of grey became a very popular subject of women's book clubs and according to the Times led to a shortage of rope in New York hardware stores due to middle aged women buying them to try out bondage.
Or how disgusting it would be for their parents to find out that this cougar who preys on young men, chose one of the students as her next target, much as we hear about in #me_too moments.
The lack of ethics & morality in this program and the author's rendition of it show clearly why powerful women such as the mayor of Nashville can speak of their infidelities in such prosaic terms.
Don't brainwash children for your revolution!
2
Current research shows that teenagers are having less sex and teenage pregnancy is down significantly compared with 20 years ago, i.e. pre-internet days. Maybe having access to porn is actually better than the days of denial and shame that framed any concept of sexuality previously.
6
You know! When I watched online porn growing up in India, I was convinced that all Americans have that kind of a sex life. After immigration to the US, I am still sure of it (I am kidding). Too bad I was already married by the time i immigrated. I have 2 teenage boys, I have talked to them about genetic evolution induced desire to reproduce as much as possible. I've also explained that we no longer need to increase numbers, meaning that sex is about mutual emotional desire now than reproduction alone. I like porn, I like strip clubs, but, I wish I never had phases of my life when I assumed that all women I met had the same point of view.
5
Isn't this what the internet was made for? Jokes and porn.
Yes, it's been adapted to other uses but these kids are bringing it back to its roots.
3
From social media to fake news to porn-induced expectations, we have an entire generation experiencing life through smoke and mirrors. Is anything real anymore ?
Profoundly depressing.
10
Several years ago there was a NY Times bestseller written by 2 scientists titled "A Billion Wicked Thoughts." It was all about internet porn (a HUGE business) and what we watch and why we watch it. The book could easily be used by any adolescent to question what it is that we ADULTS are learning from online porn. And, more pointedly, what we are revealing by our viewing habits.
Until we can be honest about confronting, or even acknowledging, our own erotic desires, I'm not sure we're in any position to helpfully instruct adolescents.
6
This article describes the porn young people experience. I'm assuming that exposure to porn--thanks to the internet--is much greater than it was in the past.
So, are hangups about sex worse than in the past? Is there more sexual assault than in the past? Are there more abusive sexual relationships than in the past? Is there more irresponsible sex--and corresponding teen pregnancy and STDs--than in the past?
I think the answer is "no". In fact, the opposite appears to be happening. Does this mean pornography is good? No. But it suggests, at the very least, that all of the hand-wringing and demands for intrusive government policy I'm reading over the comments are not built on an urgent problem.
3
Just read all the comments. (There were none when I wrote.)
Please let us not confuse erotic with porn. (Which may be sometimes erotic but should be defined as degrading.)
E E Cummings wrote a ~37 page love poem “Puella Mea” with erotic (like lovingly naked) drawings by Picasso, Klee, and Modigliani. It was beautiful, loving, and wonderful and oh so graphic. In this day of shaving nether parts, we need his loving her “electric fuzz”!
The temple carvings of beautiful, half naked dancing women in Angkor Wat Cambodia and India are sacred and elicit fertility and respect.
~”Noire Amore” some decades ago was a poetry journal of erotic love poetry. We need much more such poems and songs and dance and drama. And we should start soft in grade school language arts and art classes with easy loving to come, to look forward to, to emulate—youthful ‘valentines’.
How bad has it become. BBC just reported young women are bypassing pap smears because they haven’t shaved and don’t like the smell down there! My Lord, millions of years of evolution to create that texture and fragrance and now they have been taught to hate it? And outside the south, God help the lady who doesn’t shave her legs and arm pits! And so help, me the even the men are starting to shave all over.
3
The fact that teens are growing up with completely skewed and perverted notions of sex will lead to the further decline of our culture, but social media have turned teens into zombies who prefer virtual reality to reality anyway, so the bar is set lower than on a limbo line. However, more disturbing to me is that men adhering to primitive fundamentalist religions; yet have internet access or at least a DVD player(think Taliban or ISIS) do not understand that porn actresses are faking pleasure at acts so degrading as to boggle the mind. Instead they believe that all American women are accurately depicted as depraved, sex-obsessed degenerates.
7