We are members of the animal kingdom, and like most females they will do what it takes to protect the family and themselves and most males will attack to get something they want including supremacy. We see this continually in all cultures like in times of war, domestic violence and just plain office politics. One is defensive in nature and the other is aggressive. Anger is an instinct.
3
I read Leslie Jamison today with such hope.
After 33 years of marriage, my husband abruptly/shockingly wants a divorce.
We live(ed) a blessed life. We have great kids, enough money not to worry about retirement, travel or helping out the adult kids if needed.
Our community is largely a community of retired folks. Golf, tennis and drinking seem to be the top 3 activities (not necessarily in that order).
I do not drink more or less than our friends, but I do take a prescription medication that can increase the effects of drink. So while people can (and do) drink Bloody Mary’s at a morning game day of golf, they also have no conflict drinking through an afternoon game - at of course at the (19th Hole).
Realizing my alcohol/medication “issue”, I don’t have a glass of wine before 6pm. These neighbor get togethers can last hours. Hi-balls, Manhattans, vodka and the ever present wine choice of the day.
I’ve never lost my temper with our children or friends, but I am guilty of being very snippy with my husband. I probably embarrassed him more than once with my lack of patience and a sharp tongue.
I could never figure out why I behaved like that. Everyone has always considered him “the nicest guy ever”.
Through therapy the last few weeks, I’ve learned that his Passive Aggressive behavior to me has frustrated me for years and my angry retorts to him were a reflection of his behavior.
Anger is not always angry-sometimes it frustration.
9
Cain expected equal, or at least fair, response to his offering to God but was disappointed. In his anger he slew his brother. God sent him out away from his people, but marked him for protection. All sorts of people find their expectations thwarted and have to cope with anger. The justice side seems to call for revenge, the mercy side love. We might be able to discern loving people who have risen above anger, and angry people who have risen above love.
1
It took more than three years after my narcissistic, abusive, angry, bully boy husband died for me to turn to professional help to guide me through expressing the corrosive anger I was feeling. His emotional abuse was the most consistent part of our marriage. His most egregious acts took place ten years before his death and for many years I was being treated by a different professional for my 'depression'.
One factor for my delay in getting the right help was fear that once I uttered even a sentence expressing anger I would utterly lose control and never be able to stop. Another was fear of a physically brutal reaction. Another, and a hugely powerful one, was that 'everybody' thought I was a nice, kind and gentle person and expressing anger would change this perception completely and forever.
It took fifteen months of intensive expert psychotherapy before I could believe that the release and expression of anger could be a marvellous and beneficial and life-changing experience. No I didn't turn into a gorgon, or attract any physical retribution, or become a nasty, unpleasant individual. Instead, I am learning to address situations which may be a cause for becoming angry with an appropriate and measured response. It's not necessary to lose one's head over every small thing and realising that there are times when it may be necessary to allow a degree of anger over an injustice or unfairness to show, to be acknowledged, and possibly commented upon changed my life utterly.
7
I agree with Aubrey's assessment of this article as a "long, winding, dilatory, ...of an essay". I would add that the lack of focus is partly the results of the simplistic view of anger. Apparently nothing more than an explosive reaction, sometimes well explained by previous abuse (as in the case of Tonya Harding). I was surprised to never have seen "righteous anger". Contrary the analysis on anger in this essay, and the long digressions to equalize the right of women to explode just like men with equal acceptance (Serene Willams vs John McEnroe - neither was acceptable, but perhaps more was done about Williams'), righteous anger is justified and well managed it is constructive, getting the required urgent attention to right the wrongs. This is the real pathos of "anger discrimination" - that women are not socially allowed to show righteous anger and are force into depression when facing abusive situations.
3
I suspect this loooooooong piece (What's with the rambling and badly structured op eds and reviews, NY Times?) could have been condensed into, "It was easier to be passive and depressed than get angry." In 1980, a brilliant Rochester, N.Y. therapist taught me that one of the cures for my depression was to get mad about the things I was depressed about. I tried it and it worked. (This is not to say that there isn't clinical, neurological depression.) These days I am frequently angry about how the hard and innovative work of us Second Wave Feminists seems to have been forgotten. I taught women's workshops in the early 80's on feeling our anger. What happened? I hope today's angry younger women don't allow their rage and power to be co-opted and commodified.
4
Not every angry woman is a reincarnation of Medea. THERE are numerous very good reasons to be angry like physical abuse to kids animals women minorities the environment.Moral and political corruption . Inequality, greed. Why wouldnt that make one angry? If it does not then you are complicit Depression is anger turned inward against oneself
HOWEVER anger is a motivating force and can be either a creative force or an agent of change like art and the revolution take your anger and use it to bring about positive change in society did Tonya have a point to make ? If only she could have channeled her rage in a more productive way would you beleive her rage to be justified? You decide
3
I am so tired of hearing about angry women. Get over it.
5
I actually do not find anger very helpful in any area of my life. I used to try to control my anger but now I try to replace anger with detachment and curiosity. It restores self respect and agency and you are much less likely to be in the wrong or hurt someone you love. You will suffer less, like yourself more and be more effective. I have to work at every day. This perspective has helped me speak up and respond more effectively and others are better able to listen. I am a 60 year old professional woman.
6
Male comments of female anger are just as astute & useful as male comments on female organsm.
Thanks, guys!
26
I really enjoyed reading Jamison's article and admire her candor and ability to plomb the depths of human emotions. However, I kept bumping into the same question: Why does she view women as prisoners of a patriarchal system (and its nefarious generalizations about them) that so many have worked to dismantle in the last 50 years? Of course much remains to be done but so much has also been accomplished.
There also seems to be a cultural aspect to Jamison's perspective. Growing up in an Italian family and community, I was used to women having a leadership role, not just as mothers and homemakers, but as workers, professionals, volunteers, household financial managers, agents of change, etc. They were women who also got angry and yelled and no one questioned it or thought it was unfeminine. It was who they are/were and they remain (some living/some deceased) legends in our families.
I lived for many years in France and in the Arab world and there again I discovered similar women -- agents of self-determination. Again, people may tend, for example, to generalize about Arab women, but I found them to be strong and outspoken and enraged when provoked. Again, this leads me to question if there isn't something cultural in Jamison's perspective.
As a writer and musician, I also tend to wallow in sadness as a response to conflict -- it is the marrow of creativity, especially when rage fails. So I understand what Jamison is saying, though I'm not sure all women are the same.
6
I am an emotion-centered psychotherapist who also writes to educate the public on emotions and a tool I call
The Change Triangle. One of the ways I believe I help people the most is by teaching them how to safely experience and make constructive use of the core emotion of anger. Because of societal shame and lack of adequate emotion education, anger is suppressed by inhibitory emotions such as anxiety, guilt and shame. Most people fear anger because they equate it with destructive actions. But anger can be asserted with kindness or at least with skillful communication and not overt, unthought out aggressive and destructive behavior. Education on anger and the biology of emotions in general is a public health need and has the power to change many societal ills for the better.
4
I can only think of a handful of times in my 44 years where I have gotten angry. Since it's not productive and didn't positively impact any outcome for me, I just don't get angry anymore. I either let it go, or get even if it's possible to do so. Much more satisfying.
4
Anger is one of the seven deadly sins with good reason. It may be in the top 2 or 3. While a stated justification for anger is it leads to motivation, anger is completely different. Motivation is internal and frequently is about doing good for others. It is a good thing. Anger is almost always a bad thing. Anger is about self. Anger says I am hurt and I want others to know. A little anger in very limited situations might be effective. Very few of us can stop there. The chemicals, a gift of evolution to save a life from immediate danger, are too powerful, toxic and may be addictive if used regularly. Anger’s destruction to self and others almost always outweighs any benefits.
Truly professional soldiers almost never get angry, at least in battle. They know how counter productive it is. The berserkers of the Vikings only worked when you could achieve victory with rabid males swinging axes in every direction. The last thing modern society needs is more berserkers.
2
I was wondering when this extremely important issue would start to see the light of day....THANK YOU. I have composed a similar piece in my mind for 25 years. But women and authority figures need to examine their willingness to throw anyone exhibiting the remotest glimpse of anger under the bus. And as a culture we need to learn more and look at other cultures where women's anger is not indicitive of personality disorder, a sociopathic personality, etc etc vs. how angry men are percieved. Of course their are sociopathic and damaging expressions of anger and contiuous, victimizing anger is harmful. But we have harmed ourselves by being more than willing to take a pill rather than confront our own anger and being unwilling/unable to tolerate justifiable anger in our women/girls. Expressions of anger are reserved for those that know how to manipulate others and those who have a lot of power. The female (and male) adaptation to this that has become socially acceptable is to get someone else angry, then the focus is off of the person claiming innocence and victimization and on tbe person who fell into tbe trap.
1
Sometimes there is the tendency to over-analyze. I'm usually guilty of it, so I can relate.
The fact is, there is massive inequality in the world, typically borne of the insecurity of one societal element compared to another, which usually results in the insecure people attempting to subjugate and show their superiority over the other.
I think it is perfectly acceptable, human even, to feel anger when one is so subjugated. It's what we do with that anger that ultimately matters. Rely on it as a resource for strength against hypocrisy, unfairness, duplicity and outright lying, and you will feel better and maybe get something good done.
Suppress it, and you own it alone, you suffer with it, and you get nothing done for the greater good.
3
Anger not only wears the mask of sadness, but the mask of addiction. Particularly, benzos, opioids and alcohol. How many women drink a glass of wine BEFORE their husbands come home?
7
This thoughtful and impressively introspective article talks about female anger as anger that females feel, but does not consider whether female anger is qualitatively different from male anger -- except that the anger women feel may get warped because it is repressed. Perhaps it's not prudent to ask the question?
Women are entitled to a lot of anger these days, but when I see protest signs that read, "men are the enemy," and "the future is female," I feel like I'm a kid and Mom's got a headache. Surely we all want a future where the opposite sex is not the enemy.
5
I was once chastised I should join a march, that it would somehow improve our lives, that somehow, not going was an acceptance of a terrible situation and outcome.
Unfortunately, since I talk to the "Deplorables", I know that all the marches, Black Lives Matter, Occupy, Women's, all of them, only serve to antagonize them and drive them to the polls. In essence, macro expressions of anger are just as ineffective as personal expressions of anger.
The most effective approach is what they do in late night TV, consistently point out the truth, in an effective voice.
2
Is it possible that the weight issue in The United States of America is a result of people stuffing their anger and eating instead?
Yes. Take action to preserve/restore democracy - human rights and social/economic justice - in America. The pounds will melt off.
The Power of One is awesome. We must each use ours for a better, more peaceful and equitable world.
5
Female anger directed at males accomplishes little except self gratification. Men respond to female anger by walking away from the conflict or, worse, responding with their own rage. That's called escalation. There is a reason the first line in the Iliad is about make rage.
8
Erratum: the first line in the Iliad is about Male rage, that of Achilles.
4
After interviewing hundreds of depressed women, mired in anger at husband, parents, boss and/or nameless forces oppressing them, I've gotta go with E. Tolle on this issue. Too often anger is self-destructive. Anger can be ego's attempt to fuel its uniqueness, even when the emotion achieves nothing else. Anger fools us into legitimizing a sense of victimhood. Ego--and its tool anger-- thrive at the expense of self-liberation, authentic communication, mental health, and happiness. The power of now is the freedom to take stock in the present instead of relying on past grievances for an identity, a story called 'I Have a Right to be Angry.' But first one must accept a sense of entitlement to worth, to value, to uniqueness, to life and liberty...to the *agency* feminist writers advocate.
3
It would help immensely if so many women themselves didn't admonish other women for being angry, or for not smiling ALL the time. This happens a lot.
15
Whether it's a man or a woman, anger does not help solve problems. It only destroys communication and relationships and injures the person whose angry
4
It’s OK to get angry at prejudice, inequality, unfairness. Two points:
1. It’s OK to be angry at injustice across the spectrum, whether it be cruelty to an animal, or as our most recent experiences have publically highlighted, sexual repressions (we all knew though, privately).
2. It’s OK to be angry about social intolerance and poor public behaviour. Now, at more than 70 (years) I speak out at episodes that I consider outside reasonable behaviour, such as on our local commuter train service recently. More than a dozen drunken young men (for want of a better term) created such a foul mouthed commotion that the station announcements couldn’t be heard over their vocalising. The scenario made me angry that such strongly abusive behaviour can be ignored and in the process seen to be condoned. Am I angry? You bet. Am I addressing the matter? You bet. Do I deliver, do what I say I will do? You bet.
12
Anger is a protective mechanism found in all animals. Once activated it is hard to turn off because chemicals cut in that over-ride logic. It is part of our complex biology to assure survival of the species. Culturally, women are better at controlling anger than men who are expected to react violently to show that they are in control. This too is biological in that women know that once they go into defense mode there is no stopping them, but men often do it just to for show, with no intention to do harm. However, as intelligent creatures, we pretend a lot, thinking we are different from the rest of the animal kingdom, We aren't.
4
Very provocative essay. I liked it. I struggle with anger and conformity.
2
Some wisdom that has helped me get through this life:
1. You can say anything you want, as long as you don't get angry.
2. Depression is anger without enthusiasm.
6
Emotional responses to any situation are a combination of nature (biochemisty); nurture (parents / caregivers) and socio-cultural. I was raised Irish-Catholic where an angry woman is seen as mentally unstable. Show anger & she writes herself a ticket to the mental ward. THEN as a young woman I became romanticaly involved with a Greek man & after that ended went to live in Italy for several years. Greek and Italian society are sexist patriarchies - but the women allowed to get angry. In these cultures anger is considered a "normal" response. It indicates you're truly engaged (ie care about) the subject at issue or the person who has caused your anger. When an Italian woman finds her husbands is cheating on her, she's allowed to break every dish in the house. She's not allowed to leave him, and therefore she loses the power of the ultimatum - but she's allowed to express her anger. Buddhism and developmental psychology has also informed my "relationship" with anger. It's a human emotion; human emotions can not be judged as "acceptable or not acceptable." For to be human is to be capable of enlightenment. Once we accept an emotion as a healthy response, we can "walk through it" - we can delve deeply into it's true source. E.g: anger is usually rooted in fear, a heart broken by infidelity is afraid to go on without the love of the adulterer. We build strength within and find it possible to go one without the fear and the anger it produces.
5
I have been raised in a family of angry women. Not grammas, but mother and three sisters. And with a father I have seen slightly angry only two times in my whole life. The anger of my mom and sisters had no reason, and it was very self-destructive. It did not have anything to do with abuses on them or on other women. They were free, cultivated, had money... But they were anger worshippers. For them, it wasn't anger but their right and their way of living. They created havoc around, but it was invisible to them because they were angry. They were and are victims and executioners, and that brought and brings a sense of completion to their lives.
5
What seems even worse to me than women's problems with anger and repression of anger, is men trained to repress sadness or tears. Somehow, as a woman I've had discussions and times to discuss how angry I am, with my friends and my spouse, too. But I've recently learned how much bottled up sadness and grief my husband has, and he was taught this (not to cry, not to allow sadness) so severely as a child. Both sexes should be given freedom to accept of these walled off feelings. It opens up life, to have a fuller range of feeling. This article probably can spark some discussion, thanks. I also think there is some wisdom in not acting in anger, so Uma Thurma sitting with her fury for a while, seems like an intelligent choice.
5
Beating things, not people, to a pulp: highly recommended. Digging holes: very therapeutic. Shouting outdoors, especially orders: cathartic and good for the lungs. Forcing, banging, wrenching, slamming, hammering: good, clean fun. Oh, how I miss the joys of wood butchery. Soon, very soon, I shall pleasantly be so engaged once again.
As a once extremely angry person, age has since mellowed me, I can highly recommend a hard sweat and a bashed finger or three as an excellent outlet for existential rage. The most difficult type of anger to deal with is the justifiable kind. As someone who believes in the premise of the warrior gene, I take to heart the quotation from Zapata: "It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."
7
I think this is a beautiful and thought-provoking article, and to me, raised very much in the WASP tradition, extremely relatable. The comments though! Wow. We have really wandered far from a place where people can discuss, disagree, contend without being really mean to each other...and we don't even know each other! Certainly bears out the author's point that female anger makes a lot of people really angry.
8
Reading this article brought to mind the Furies of ancient Greek mythology. From theoi.com, "The Furies were three goddesses of vengeance and retribution who punished men for crimes against the natural order." Interesting to reflect the centuries of anger, especially the possible connection of anger with justice or retribution.
What I missed in this article was a better choice of graphics. The photos said to me "split personality" - which might have been the intention, given the content of the piece. HOWEVER I missed seeing a 10x10 grid of female anger in some of its thousands of manifestations. Not one of those photos looked more than half-awake, and none had power, suppressed or visible.
3
I was raised in a family of angry women. Not my grammas, but my mom and three sisters. My father was an incredibly quiet man, I have only seen him sort of mad two times in my life. Our family was educated and money or education was not an issue. However, women were incredibly unsatisfied for no apparent reason. They have created havoc around, in all senses, with a selfdestructive tendency, not directly suicidal but in every other imaginable way. For me and my brother has always been a conundrum. Personally, I think that the unsatisfaction is linked to some deep sexual complex, never fully treated. Call me freudian, but Leslie doesn't mention sex (not as a practice but as a complex, personal and social) but I think that stays at the bottom of lots of anger and sadness.
3
I used to get angry at my ex husband, yell and throw things etc. but somehow, came to think that it was a waste of time. The anger I learned to repress became depression which is much more debilitating than temporary anger. The fact that more women than men, suffer from depression, makes sense, since we are pretty much raised to think female anger isn't generally acceptable. It appears that we are confronted with a new age where anger may be just the right emotion to confront mansplaining, men who are clueless about when sex is appropriate and men who want to use their power over women to get what they want.
7
I wonder what general Politics of Affect we might need. I propose instead a politics of thinking. Feelings mediate between persons and the thinking that matters. Anger is the emotion that corresponds to the thought that one, or someone one identifies with, is victim of injustice, and in a way that should not be tolerated. It is a basis of the political.
Our behavioral expectations that still can differ between the genders can be unfair, even if prejudices are as always confirmed by examples. Women are still all too often and much expected to be nurturant and "nice," and since men are expected to be courageous and strong, it is often easier for a man to get angry. Though the prevalent social codes do allot to women opportunities for anger, often involving putting some badly behaving man in his place, and this is often done poorly or with horrible excess.
A person of either gender should be able to get angry when the injustice they lay claim to seems true of the persons they accuse or reproach. I have long known (even) as a man how much getting angry can cause me to be punished for doing so.
But let's get beyond the simplistic ways so common now in our liberal culture of attaching particular personal attributes, including notions about emotional states and the propriety of their being felt or expressed, experienced or observed, to particular types or groups of persons. This can quickly become quite fascist.
Don't feel the thought, think the feeling.
We learn young that men are the emotionally strong ones and women are the weak ones. Women do have a lot to be angry about and pretending otherwise is likely resulting in a plethora of health problems. Acting nice is not the solution to the misogyny and sexism women are subject to.
A healthy human being experiences the full range of emotions and pretending we don't is harmful. Lashing out angrily is not necessarily the answer (though sometimes it is necessary). Anger can be channeled in ways that hopefully result in change: we can speak up, challenge unfairness—in society, in the government, in workplaces, in courts. We don't accept our position as doormats.
We live in a society that punishes unacceptable emotions. Men are not supposed to cry; women are not supposed to be angry. Allowing everyone to be a full human being may take us a while, but we have to get there, for the well being of all.
It's unfortunate that you say "...the woman who cried harassment versus the woman who bashed kneecaps." What Harding actually did do is unclear, but she didn't physically attack Kerrigan.
2
I have a lot of rage. I was abused as a child. I was told as a girl child by my parents that it was not nice to be an angry girl. I've had partners comment on my "anger" because women aren't supposed to be angry. It's not attractive. I sometimes feel that if the wrong person pushed the wrong button, may rage would come flooding out and it would be very messy.
2
I believe we are all processing anger at some level much of the time. Not only do African Americans harbor anger that apparently promotes hypertension but anyone fighting with their spouse still maintains for several hours afterwards a higher potential for a deleterious cardiovascular event. The current level of anger against sexual harassment is in part screaming for the need of healthier, vulnerable, honest communication between humans. Perhaps somewhere between a closer relationship with our maker and productive behavioral therapy lie the answers to our male/female and racial difficulties. We must get better.
2
There is so much literature and culture that indoctrinates all humans, and the disempowered, to repress their justified rage and righteous anger.
From Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew”, a study in how a politically and legally disempowered woman is emotionally abused by her husband. To the New Testament, and “turn the other cheek”, The Beautitudes (“the meek shall inherit the earth”) which is a study in how the disempowered should not fight back. It is no wonder that Constantinople took up Christianity as have subsequent rulers, as a great assistance to maintaining his rule.
I love Shakespeare, I’m a somewhat practicing Catholic, but I can see clearly how much damage such constant brain washing has done to women, and all those who are not the powerful.
7
Middle class North America is one big ball of anger. It's deeply pathological, especially considering we're the wealthiest people on earth.
I lived for several years in a so-called Third World country that is about 96% of African descent. I don't recall anyone there being angry about much of anything despite the fact that they probably had a whole lot more to be angry about.
11
How many words in the essay?? Exactly what is it abot? And is there only one "anger?" annoyed, enraged, incensed, eruptive, angry to tears, aggressive (mothers used to spank shildren with hairbrushes; principals used paddles. Degrees of anger. Angry about what?? Agry for what effect? Anger expressed how? Anger acknowledged as occurring because>
Angry men and women do terrible destructive things. from murder to mayhem. A choleric person might push a button.. What Uma Thurman clip? Tonja was not onl young but undboutedly had warched way too many ganster movies.. or so had her boyfriend; Nancy Kerrigan was recorded muttering about how stupid certain aspects of fame thrust upon one.
The baby angry to be born cries now having to exist on her own.. People are sad and then angry that that wasterd time too much time during their lvies and yet there is no way at all that every minute can count. of her
What are we trying to do?? Control our world? There is somthing called utilitarianism a kind of philosophy...
Anger/ envy, angrilly eating oneself to death... Angry at being lonely... Anger has a zillion causes... And it isn't necessary to express it by yelling or crying (drama queesn are tedious), try staring, cold-sholuldering, not reacting... huge topic
Please no wine while replying!
3
the men's comments in here did not disappoint... tell us more !!
2
Thank you, Leslie Jamison.
2
To me this is not a meditation on anger but a meditation on image - our self-image and that we project. What do we find attractive, what do we find repulsive, and how much of how we behave - what we allow ourselves to feel and what we choose to express - is affected by how we think others will perceive us? I guess I'm more interested in being aware of how I feel, in understanding what my feelings mean for me, and in dealing with them productively than I am in anyone else's opinions about my feelings.
4
Not an expert, just a person, now elderly.
Anger can be normal (for men or women). How you deal with it is important.
Stuffing it may be necessary, but doesn’t feel good.
In the few I have acted on my anger, my behavior was a spontaneous bodily response rather than calculated.
Doesn’t usually lead to a “fix” for the issues/events involved.
3
Re: anger and sadness - my understanding is that they're both physically-felt forms of resistance to the idea of something you don't like. One is more active and the other is more passive. While useful in that they alert us to something that's bothering us, neither one is conducive to clear thought or careful action. Which is why I will say "I'm angry," or "I'm sad," but try to wait for the physical reactions that accompany anger and sadness to pass before saying or doing much more. I think whether we respond to something we don't like with anger or sadness has to do with our perceived level of control over the circumstances. I have had anger give way to sadness and vice versa, as my perception of a situation changed.
1
Anger is the basest of emotions; the first layer of consciousness. It is a catalyst, but not an agent--impactful and meaningful change comes from a space of vulnerability that allows compassion for the perceived other. We must eventually elevate the dialogue.
6
Anger is the basest of emotions; the first layer of consciousness. It is often a catalyst, but is never the agent--impactful and meaningful change comes from a space of vulnerability that allows compassion for the perceived other. We must raise the dialogue.
1
Excellent treatment of women's anger. I also naively imagined I didn't get angry just depressed. When I read Dorothy Rowe's "The Prison of Depression" anger being turned inward and it's mental and physical destruction, it all made sense. Anger I do feel may be a secondary emotion to sadness at some violation. We are uncomfortable and afraid with strong emotions and I've found Susan Davids research on emotions very powerful and persuasive. I love literature and the arts and really enjoyed how you link our subconscious understanding of how to behave womanly in culture.
So eloquent and filled with all truths I relate to as a baby-boomer. A new feminist manifesto. Required reading for any woman who has ever been angry, in love, or simply alive. A great beginning to dialog with any man, woman or child. Today I embrace and accept my anger and sadness. Thank you.
3
As a woman, my experiences have been radically different from the author's. I was raised in an Italian-American home, where dinnertime chat was conducted at very high volume. Whoever yelled the loudest, male or female, was the winner. Everyone could participate. Twelve years of Catholic parochial school, same thing: nuns in high dudgeon over the slightest infractions. My college years included some intense antiwar demonstrating, with plenty of angry female participants. So I never saw female anger as necessarily taboo, only something for both genders to (hopefully) outgrow as they enter the work force. Although, over the years, I endured a few bosses, male and female, who could only exert authority by yelling. But, that's just me!
4
Beautifully written. Articulated the exact pressure points that my female friends and I have been mulling over in various text and verbal conversations. Yes, we're millennials. We won't apologize for that fact.
While it's sad that the current political and social climate had to bring these feelings to the surface, we're united and emboldened. Now for action.
1
Thank you, thank you. What an impactful read. I’ve been punished and shamed over the years for expressing honest anger and reading this piece was like being warmed by a radiant sunbeam of shared understanding. I hope our feminist grandmothers, mothers and aunts can come to support those younger ones who are less afraid to be honest and let go of a focus on appearances and reputations that may have dogged them but which we have outgrown and cannot be held back by.
2
I'm puzzled as to why anyone is noodling about this? Women get angry. Women are human beings. We are capable of all complex emotions. Does this need to be debated, analyzed, sorted out, justified, conflated in anyway? Anger is fine. What we do with it is another thing. But we all get angry.
6
There's not much room for debate in the fact that women typically have been discouraged from showing anger, that anger is accepted in male politicians but not female ones, and that many women feel alienated from their anger, like this author. In my personal life, I've found more women who expressed anger than men, and more strongly. In the workplace it's been about even. I've nearly always experienced my own anger as depression or anxiety, and I've gradually tried to accept that underneath the depression I've often been angry...or should have been.
So I guess the thing about gender norms is what's true of norms in general. By definition they reflect the majority, or at least plurality, of experience. But there are have been large minorities of people who fall outside the norm. Susan B. Anthony, Emma Goldman, and Rosa Parks were all famously angry, and successful in driving change. And many women have expressed anger in their personal relationships, probably in every era.
3
I cry when I'm angry, although I say I'm "just frustrated." When I was a restaurant manager and handling an emergency, I'd almost always be stopped by a guest who wanted me to know I had a beautiful smile and should smile more. They meant well and I wasn't offended, but it got old. This is just my face when I'm thinking about a serious matter.
I enjoyed your article immensely. As we continue on in this new world for women, we need to own our bodies, our emotions, our self-worth and so much more.
3
I could have written this. Word for word. I thought about the countless times, always men I didn't even know, passing me by on the street and say, "Smile - it's not so bad!" The possibilities for the non-smiling face are endless: I'm about to take a huge exam; I'm about to deliver a presentation; I've got the flu, someone I care about has just died. The same, non-smiling face on a man, would never elicit that comment from another man. But the over-arching reason for an unsmiling face walking down a city street for many years is, egad, I've gotta walk through this gauntlet of construction workers again, or semi-inebriated boys huddled together on a street, or name-your-cluster of boys or men who feel entitled to tell you how to look and feel. It's called self-preservation.
1
This is incredible. I have been thinking about this since my own experience in the Women's March in DC a year ago. Gloria Steinem said "use anger as an energy cell" She wrote that in Revolutions and Everyday Rebellions in the 70s. In the Egyption coup, a study showed that the resistance movement was able to act without fear of repercussion from the government or what they call a 'high context' environment because anger and being apart of a group. So yes, aggression as with any conflict is so powerful because it is our oneness crying out to be recognized. I absolutely love how she ties together all these other studies about anger from UC Berkeley to Audre Lorde! Magnificent. Thank you for this piece. Excellent and intriguing.
1
I appreciate many of the comments more than the article. Anger isn't good - gender neutral. Repressing or indulging anger is almost always very unhealthy; a better reaction is to winnow out the factors that are contributing to anger.
Of course, sometimes we lead stressful lives, and that tensioon can erupt. But anger is a secondary emotion, a response to other, deeper feelings - fear, sadness, loneliness, exhaustion, etc. These feelings can be identified with introspection and mitigated with lifestyle changes.
I used to be much angrier, but always disliked that. I drastically changed my diet, my exercise, and my work. Focused (mostly) on my family's happiness instead of my own. And I got older. All of these things slowly, over years, have quelled what anger was there.
For anybody, man or woman, embarking on such a journey, I highly recommend Eastern philosophy and a knowledgeable teacher. Also wish you the best of luck and perseverance.
2
I believe much of the repressed anger felt by women is taught not only by society but also by religion. I see my religious friends grapple with their order in this world when it comes to feeling overlooked or outbid at work and home, all the while teaching their daughters that they must "submit" to men, based upon their Sunday sermons and religious doctrine. Until we reject these teachings, women will continue to struggle with how to handle their emotions in a world that expects them to acquiesce.
3
A lot of people of my vintage grew up angry: about the war in Viet Nam, the outrage of Watergate, the sorry state of race relations in America, the inequity and rigidity of gender, the required invisibility of gayness, and the hypocrisy of many clergy. Most vessels of authority were being challenged. And this before the toppling (by news report or internet trolling) of many public figures who had served the many as heroes or role models. Such was the troubling context of our individual lives, and we each had, too, our myriad of personal relationships, both decent and troubling.
Also, like many, I had a penchant for hopeful philosophies, and tried to deny the Shadow its energy. I saw a psychoanalyst in my mid- twenties whose two most helpful observations were that (1) I seemed to prefer being "confused" by things than allowing myself to be enraged and (2) that I needed to learn to sit on my anger like an egg in my nest, to let it be --in all its discomfort-- until it hatched into something alive, something with meaning.
It is her advice --as well as the (Hindu) wisdom that creation, preservation, and destruction are all sacred forces-- which keep me sane.
I am sometimes angry.
2
I really want to respond to this article -it's a big topic, and very relevant to all of us, not just women. For me, it's hard to stay within the context of the article- there are so many reasons why humans are angry, so many factors, so most of us have tried to learn ways to mitigate the harm that can result when anger is unleashed rather than learn better ways to express our anger. Acceptance of the state of anger without being judgmental, without denying, without endorsing it, without developing it or justifying it is not easy.
In these pages I have allowed myself to express anger over political and social developments that I think endanger me, my family, and our communities, such as GOP refusal to acknowledge and address climate change. Although it is possible that it is only self-indulgent and has had the opposite effect, it has been a deliberate choice to express my anger, to inform those who might be on the fence on issues like carbon pollution that women are not just coolly and politely disagreeing with killing pollution regulations, or that we are not just sad that CO2 pollution is now over 400PPM higher than it's ever been during human civilization, but that we are outraged. We are in fact, at least in part, deeply angry at GOP leadership which says scientists are wrong or lying, or that it is some kind of a hoax. The GOP had been in the pockets of fossil-fuel industrialists and by their inaction and doubt-mongering have sentenced us and our children and grandchildren to global warming and all its destructive results. For better or worse these comment boards seem incomplete when we limit our remarks to expressing sadness; it seems quite right to me, and tells the whole story in my view, to also say we are angry.
1
Anger is evoked by unmet expectations. Understanding our anger can lead us to setting new goals, ending relationships with toxic people, and helping us crawl out of sadness. Anger isn't negative but how we express it can cause problems.
3
If you're reading Nussbaum, you might want to read the Stoics--notably Seneca--whom she usually cites on the topic: "Humankind is born for mutual assistance, anger for mutual ruin: the former loves society, the latter estrangement. The one loves to do good, the other to do harm; the one to help even strangers, the other to attack even its dearest friends." When we're angry, we wish to harm what we believe has tried to harm us. Its feeling of glory in the self can be addictive.
1
Kailash Satyarthi, who shared the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014 with Malala Yousafzai for his work as a children's rights activist, gave a Ted Talk in 2015 titled, "How To Make Peace? Get Angry." In his talk, he said:
"Friends, maybe one of you can tell me, what was I doing before becoming a children's rights activist? Does anybody know? No. I was an engineer, an electrical engineer. And then I learned how the energy of burning fire, coal, the nuclear blast inside the chambers, raging river currents, fierce winds, could be converted into the light and lives of millions. I also learned how the most uncontrollable form of energy could be harnessed for good and making society better.
...Anger is a power, anger is an energy, and the law of nature is that energy can never be created and never be vanished, can never be destroyed. So why can't the energy of anger be translated and harnessed to create a better and beautiful world, a more just and equitable world?
Anger is within each one of you, and I will share a secret for a few seconds: that if we are confined in the narrow shells of egos, and the circles of selfishness, then the anger will turn out to be hatred, violence, revenge, destruction. But if we are able to break the circles, then the same anger could turn into a great power. We can break the circles by using our inherent compassion and connect with the world through compassion to make this world better. That same anger could be transformed into it."
Ideas. Action.
2
Anger is a protective mechanism found in all animals. Once activated it is hard to turn off because chemicals cut in that over-ride logic. It is part of our complex biology to assure survival of the species. Culturally, women are better at controlling anger than men who are expected to react violently to show that they are in control. This too is biological in that women know that once they go into defense mode there is no stopping them, but men often do it just to for show, with no intention to do harm. However, as intelligent creatures, we pretend a lot thinking we are different from the rest of the animal kingdom, We aren't.
1
As a woman whose was raised by "liberal" parents who wanted me to be a good girl, I am filled with anger. I love my family but felt powerless against many expectations. At 58 I would say to young girls/women go with your true desires and leave the rest behind.
1
Yes!
For me, the double standards and confusing messages of my liberal but demanding parents made me crazy. I was a very angry woman. Or at least, I had a lot of anger, which I expressed in so many ways. It's hurtful when kept inside, not expressed, but when we get all these mixed messages about being nice, good, kind, tolerant, easy-going on top of being given many reasons to be downright furious- then we can understand what Leslie Jamison is talking about- binds that can kill you. And letting out dammed-up energy that could kill you is sure to be just as much a mixed cocktail as what created it and how it feels to hold it in. Where I come from, this is called Samsara. Other readers have written about developing the wisdom and skill to know how to work with this.
The weak cannot risk expressing their anger for fear of not being able to deal with its potential consequences. Thucydides said it best when he wrote that the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must.
It isn't about gender; it is about power and the willingness to grow strong enough to take it on its own terms from those who possess or have mastered it. This is something most women do not do, yet there are remedies they could employ if they had the will.
3
Being allowed to express anger (i.e. aggression) is a measure of one's ranking on the social hierarchy.
Subordinates do not get to express anger. Subordinates are intended to be docile, pleasing, submissive, understanding, cater to the needs of others, and never ever ever angry or displeased. If they are not those things, the superior on whose goodwill the subordinate depends may decide to just get rid of them.
Superiors get to express whatever displeasure or anger they want. It is actually quite a good clarifying test of relative power, to get angry and see how others react. Don't forget that power shifts by context and isn't steady. Plenty of people have to suppress their anger around their boss all day long and then express it freely to their spouse or children at home.
Those at the apex of the power hierarchy do not ever have to regulate or suppress their anger, and many will choose not to.
If you suppressed your anger it's because you were subordinate, whether voluntarily or involuntarily. Dominant and independent people don't really care if others like them. They don't have to.
Look at Donald Trump. He's the angriest, least liked person in the world (not even his wife or close allies actually LIKE him), and he gets almost everything he wants.
Many women might be surprised at how much they can get their way by giving up caring so much about being well-liked. One doesn't need to actually be liked to be respected.
2
Wow! Some writing!
Let's get to it. Truth-speaking at the deepest levels and the embrace of its consequences.
The 'problem' is tension of creative dynamic: the sensitivity to The Self's truths and to the truths of The Other. Having worked with both groups of all men and all women, I believe this gender-biased problem (the expression of anger) is one of a mirror projection. The "disowned" rage and power (in women), grief and vulnerability (in men), are both hidden and held by the 'other'. This divided state is enforced and institutionalized by schools, legislatures, courts, churches and prisons.
Audre Lorde has been one of my guardian angels for many years. Her writing shares in fierce beauty both her anger and her passion. (Read "The Erotic As Power" to experience the fruits of that marriage.) It is worth noting that she was profoundly androgynous.
1
So many comments here reflect a deep misunderstanding of anger. Anger is a normal emotion. Like pain, it tells you that something is wrong. It’s what we choose to do with it that gets a bad rap. Another reason anger gets a bad rap is that often, people lose control when angry. An important tip: when angry, breathe deeply a few times, and try to focus on what you are truly angry about. Often anger is really fear in disguise. The energy derived from anger can then be used to fix the situation, or find an appropriate solution. But anger shouldn’t be repressed, ignored, or vilified.
2
I've always wondered why it is that every photo of the feminine icon Marilyn Monroe is so compelling and enchanting and I realized it's because you never see a photo of her where there is even a glimmer of anger. Perhaps you will find one among the thousands taken of her during in her lifetime. How did she display such perfect gentleness so consistently? Despite her stardom, her life was no cakewalk. She learned early what people wanted, particularly what men wanted, and they wanted an impossible woman, a woman who could perfectly pretend and never tire of pretending. She died by suicide at 36.
1
Seems to me that the anger a lot of females feel is in some ways similar to the anger that people who are "left of center" feel.
People on the right take advantage of any vulnerability in the fabric of society and use it to advance their interests. This is done in a myriad of ways.
At the extreme, and you see this all the time, it involves complex conspiracies and a vast array of law breaking, but generally in ways that are not prosecuted. For example, there is a lot of compelling evidence that the 2004 presidential election was stolen based (in part) on late election night voting system fraud in Ohio. If that doesn't make you angry then you are missing something.
For other examples, please watch the video Project Save Justice on YouTube (there are 3 parts).
I get the gendering of anger.
But many men, like me, see my anger as an aggression or provocation rather than a reaction or even an intended response.
We should REPEAL THE SECOND AMENDMENT and let anger be channeled into protest, symbolic or streetwise. No cars running into people. No murder threats. Even if people break the rules, strict gun control would prevent so much malice -- a real human emotion represented in literatures and cultures throughout the world -- from becoming something further with MASS consequences, almost undirected, nihilistic and precise.
So, I discovered today I carry a lot of anger because of the non-resolution of my sexual abuse. I was abducted and molested by a strange teenager as an eleven year old.
We called the cops, and they came back after a few days to show me a photo of a boy wearing the sweatshirt I'd described to them. Military academy down the creek. This kid had got himself caught, but he was not my offender.
Never heard another word. Guessing the cops felt they had to secure the futures of these boys so they could act out those fantasies in Vietnam. What about their domestic victims? Not worth the effort, or were the boys worth more to society than the girls they abused?
I am not looking for vengeance. I want truth and reconciliation. I know my offender was terrified as he cut my shirt off me. He stopped himself. He warned me not to follow him. He was afraid of ME!
I am angry because no one cared what happened to me enough to hold to account the boy who abducted and molested me. I wonder how he's doing? If I ever did that to someone, I'd not be able to live with myself. I bet he drinks.
10
decades ago I had a girlfriend who was passive-aggressive - e.g. saying 'I don't care - you choose' if I asked for her opinion, then flying into a rage when I picked the option she hadn't told me she didn't want.
turned out she had been molested by her father.
6
As a old woman, this article really resonated with me. I remember 30 years a quite good therapist (in all other ways) told me, "Anger is a very off putting emotion". Yikes!
In retrospect - with the additional of several decades - I now know how wrong she was. Anger can be justified and must be expressed to not damage the person (male or female) who is internalizing that anger.
8
A child who attacks a sofa with scissors and a teenager who cuts herself when her boyfriend breaks up with her may be angry, but she is also emotionally disturbed. Are those the same thing? Having raised a bunch of kids—not one a stranger to tantrums—I don’t think so. As an essay about anger, this is one part academic yawn and two parts fuzzy thinking: if this is a personal essay, rather than a generic piece with a timely hook, what’s it about, really? Why is the writer, who is well educated and successful, so very angry? Is it personal? Political? These reflections are what a friend of mine calls white lady stories. And I agree with the commentators who take umbrage at the slap at Uma Thurman. We are trying to undo a culture of violence. Not participate in it.
10
Anger is a secondary emotion, always expressing something else---often impotence at powerlessness. Getting angry, whether male or female, means you've given in to the emotion instead of using cognitive over-ride. Using our brains instead of your emotion means you figure out how NOT to be impotent, how to reclaim your share of the power. Too often anger is used as an excuse to be abusive to someone, instead of taking responsibility for your behavior and finding a non-abusive way to get what you want.
6
The author will undoubtedly raise her daughter as a woman rather than as a human being, so her daughter will also have similar anger issues. Reading this entitlement for anger article, one wonders how much the author's dual personality, nearly schizophrenic between anger and self pitying, compartmentalizing anger in society and within herself is gendered ? The author has the time on her hands to deliberate this issue extensively for the past 20 years, and to create a rogues gallery library of heroines to evidence the societally accepted norms of female anger to her, and how she feels others and herself react to "female anger" in our society. If people were somehow educated as truly equal and not gender specific as women and men, then perhaps this anger management issue would not be such a thorn that we can't watch Mary Tyler Moore in dramatic roles like Ordinary People where the cards are truly stacked against everyOne. Instead of locking into self pity and characters that are trapped in their own shell, why not embrace who Mary Tyler Moore really was, and realize that she was an actress, and that was a role, and that her real career was about female empowerment. And that Oprah came because MTM did it 1st. Society has to change its expectations of how men and women can behave. Sexism starts where it is seeded, role expectations that can and do trap us into who we become. It is our responsibility to be people first, not genders who also happen to be people second. WM
5
I have so many strong feelings around this subject, I find it hard not to devote my day writing about them here. Instead, I will summarize my sentiment by saying- Women, if it is necessary to be heard, PLEASE GET ANGRY!!! You are 1/2 of the people on our planet and your influence (at home, at work, in government... everywhere) is an essential balancing component for the continued, remarkable evolution of our species.
6
Anger has a place, for women to use, in the moment when it is needed, to normalize an unformed moral being, (as too many adult men are) into behaving with civility and respect. We need more angry women. We need more women, and men, to stand up and use their anger, ( righteously) when the time is right.
6
I have long said that the reason women cry at work is because the consequences of yelling or pounding the desk are too high.
8
Isn't this just so illuminating: a brilliant essayist can't even WRITE about anger without being accused of being hostile, hateful, unhappy, or mentally ill. Any wonder why we are angry?
20
What is the definition of “depression”? Anger turned inward.
Is it any wonder, then, that women suffer from major depression at twice the rate as men (according to a Harvard University Health study)?
3
Thank You... I felt every word your wrote, and every experience you described..Thank you for sharing..passing this on 5 *'s
1
I don't get it. I have never seen myself as anything other than a human being with the full range of human emotions, including anger. I have punched guys, kicked in doors, yelled, screamed, and pulled hair, and it never once occurred to me that I was supposed to be ashamed of my feelings.
3
My wife keeps reminding me that depression is anger turned inward. So what is anger turned outward? Mania? Can’t be good for or those around you.
1
This essay was rather long-winded and simplistic. I have experienced much female rage in my life, and I suspect it is more cultural than anything. Women and society’s expectations of them are more varied than this author seems to understand.
4
A lot of men commenting here, telling us how destructive anger is, how we shouldn’t be angry, how there are bigger issues in the world.
Oh, really? Gee, thanks mister! Lil ol me just wants to throw a tantrum and cry and key my ex-boyfriend’s car!
Treating our anger as a simple, childish flaw is exactly what we are angry about. Why not, instead, join us in realizing all (men, women, womxn, femmes, etc) of our multi-faceted, valuable, complicated selves instead of denying each other our own humanity? Why not just listen?
2
Aren't women told in one way and/or another that anger is ugly, and disfiguring, and that it transforms them into unrecognizable beings capable of power and effectiveness instead of the meek, mild, and above all, obedient creatures that other people (men, and other women, too, sometimes) would prefer them to be? Also, that anger coming from a woman is dangerous, irreligious, blasphemous, and wrong.
I am a woman, and that's what my mother told me, one way and/or another. And I know for sure that's what her mother told her. Etc., etc..
2
Pandora's Box. As if those men in power and who also created that power would not eventually fight back. They would. They're men with wives and families to support, and then you'll eventually bring out the men who can't stand women. Do we really want that? Just good ol' feminine intuition has brought more men down than having to put on anger.
" The specter of Dickens’s ranting spinster — spurned and embittered in her crumbling wedding dress, plotting her elaborate revenge — casts a long shadow over every woman who dares to get mad."
Do I detect a hint of victim here? Victimized by Charles Dickens's astute observations of human behavior.
This mad woman still suggests, like Hillary did, that men are allowed to get angry, it makes them manly and strong, etc. but poor victimized, victimized by society, women are still not really allowed to express anger, but men are.
Men are not allowed to express anger either, any more than women are. And men, American men, are certainly not allowed to cry.
You will discover this the first time you get angry with your child. It's the same for men too. It's not allowed, at all. There will be consequences when you do.
2
Sorry, but I do not subscribe to the idea of women as an oppressed minority. Maybe it's a generational thing (I'm in my early 30s), but throughout my life women were always in positions of authority. Every boss I've ever had was a woman, and a few of them were absolute dictators who treated their subordinates like garbage and were prone to angry outbursts. I don't care why these women were angry. Outbursts aren't acceptable, no matter what gender you are.
4
Michael: "I don't care why these women were angry. Outbursts aren't acceptable, no matter what gender you are."
Amen! Thank you.
3
Coming from the inner city, with Italian relatives, this does not describe any of the women I know.
But great. Maybe now women, like you, who wouldn't normally stand up to a man (or woman) who expresses sexual interest, or "makes a move," will deal with it then and there, instead of feeling like a victim; then focus your rage on the threats of life-and-death violence to women and men globally. It's the victim mentality that is most exasperating.
4
https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/09/27/donald-trump-anger-21... details incidents of American president's. anger.
If Ms. Clinton had won and thrown expressed her anger the way George Washington did by throwing her hat on the floor and stomping on it, I'm sure she would be deemed to be weak and exhorted to "speak like an adult you won't be able to use the typical female manipulation techniques." as one reader comments. Not the strong, brave and forceful leader President Washington is commonly regarded to be.
What world are these commenters and the author of this piece, living in? I see women, over the top crazy angry, all the time.
Just driving around. Road rage, far more women then men, will flip you off while driving.
Every nun in my Catholic school could have given a lesson in anger. Their faces, twisted in spitting rage, haunt my memories, over half century ago.
Of course, even with all the rage and anger women and the author claim victimhood because they have to repress all that anger. Even comparing themselves to African Americans who suffer from high blood pressure. Yes, all that repressed anger makes women live longer by about ten years!
Men are plenty angry, but we know from early on that anger can get you killed, beat up, or thrown in jail. So, it's tempered by the reality of our society. Women, romanticize their lives early on and are often, ultimately, disappointed and angry.
Throw in, the personality disorders: borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, the so-called, "Cluster-B," mix that mostly affects women by a huge percentage. Anger, being the most prevalent characteristic. That's a lot of angry women.
5
I have never tried to contain my anger. If you intentionally offend or hurt me, I will confront you. I do not tolerate bullies, never have and never will. I expect and demand respect, take it or leave it, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
3
One-third into this essay, I lost interests. I mean, really? Female rage is a phenom to this writer now? Where has she been all her life, in a shelter little (white) bubble?
I'm a woman, I'm Asian, I'm generally not an angry person, but I can get short-fused (particularly when I see clueless drivers on the road). I have no qualms letting it go. I don't myself as particularly unique or peculiar, although men can throw in a rage far more readily. But I work in a male-dominated field and I don't see my fits of rage as defects of my gender kind. It's just human nature, sister.
What I can't stand, is to read a babble piece attempting to psycho-analyze herself, and then to generalize it as a new-found phenomenon. It's laughable and maddening all at once.
8
The author's writing, though eloquent, reflects a life long problem with borderline personality tendencies. This does nothing but undermine feminism. I'm beginning to think there's a concerted effort to destroy the equal rights movement gains of the last 50 years. Suddenly, within the past few years, media has started advancing this agenda of woman as irrational victims, of everything. And these women are labelled 'feminists'. I'm rejecting this crazy as an oldschool feminist.
4
Instead of making anger OK for women it should be trying to make it NOT OK for men.
3
My childhood coincided with the Second Wave of the women's rights movement. I assumed, with the simplicity and naivety of childhood, that the bad times were behind us, and things would only continue to improve.
Instead, the backlash set in almost immediately. With Reagan's election and the "material girl" culture of the 1980s, the backlash only accelerated for the next 30 years. The Monica Lewinsky scandal resulted in a self-inflicted blow that was nearly fatal, when NOW and other mainstream women's rights groups chose to "stand by their man," Bill Clinton, despite obvious evidence of his mistreatment and exploitation of the most powerless women around him, not to mention his perjury and lies to the American people about it. This opened them (as it did other liberal groups that stood by Clinton) to charges of hypocrisy, which continues to undermine liberal causes and positions to this day.
As a gay and asexual woman, I frankly became fed up with straight women. I became tired of being a voice in the wilderness. Without the support of numbers behind me, continuing to devote myself to the cause of women's rights seemed like a waste of time. I redirected my energies to the LGBTQA movement, and I can't say I regret the choice. I think it's no accident that the past 30 years have seen spectacular success for the LGBT movement, while the women's rights movement has only stalled and then lost ground.
Forgive me, then, if to me this essay seems only to reinvent the wheel.
1
Having suffered physically at the hands of a perpetually enraged woman, I can relate to this discussion.
What is not clearly spelled out here, nor hardly anywhere for that matter, is that women act on rage as much as men do, and more so.
Serious analysis of abuse statistics show that men are physically abused by women as much as women by men. Fact.
The highest rates of partner violence are between bi-sexual or gay female partners.
Look here: https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Intimate-Partn...
The current fantasy that only men perpetrate violence in relationships is just that: fantasy.
2
When a male expresses criticism in a straight forward way, he is a perceptive and strong. When a woman expresses that exact same criticism she is shrewish or judgemental. I have seen this a thousand times in businesses. He will be praised by his superiors and she will get a bad performance review because female anger is never, ever allowed. Guess what? This makes me angry.
I am just so over having to constantly translate my thoughts and perceptions into "female speak" where every statement must be phrased as a question and where every critique must be softened by buckets of false praise. I am fed up with only being allowed into a conversation if I promise to always be warm and nurturing even in the face of treachery and idiocy.
3
So interesting to think about anger and our culture of Botox. Many use Botox so they won't "look" angry.
1
Just wait until menopause. Seriously.
2
Where does this author live that women don't express anger? I want to move there.
3
Amusing how many male responses here make Ms. Jamison's case. Anger is unseemly in a woman. Not acceptable. It is cause to reduce her, to demean her, as though she were dumb enough to fall into traps men are complicit in setting. How stupid it is for her to not avoid the traps. How unfeminine to get angry about them.
It's as though men do not see any faulty expression of male anger at all. From condescension and coercion to rape and war, men give full expression to rage they do not feel responsible for, cannot seem to properly assess, and subconsciously or otherwise fully support as 'natural' precisely because it is so 'male' and thus so self-defining.
1
DMS, the anger issue depends almost entirely on how that anger is expressed. Throwing dishes at a wall because someone insulted you is juvenile. Telling the person that the insult was demeaning and uncalled for, and even that an apology is in order is mature.
You can sound angry, look angry, and make your anger known, but slugging a person or out-of-control outbursts are never OK.
2
You lost me with the Tonya Harding inclusion. I understand much of what you are writing about, but as another poster questions, excusing criminal assault is not OK. By the time I was 28 years old I wanted to assault- no, kill - someone, but a) he was a perpetrator, and b) had I done so I would have been liable to go to jail for it. It is wrong. I too have read recently about Harding (again). She to this day neither denies outright nor takes responsibility for what was done to an innocent person.
We need to march, lobby, protest. sue, run for office (for generations if we have to), vote, volunteer our efforts in the resistance - and yes write about it and do many other things. But not stoop to their tactics, especially violence. If we do, we need to be honest about and willing to be responsible for the consequences of accepting yet more violentce. I’m sorry you negated what good could have been done with your article. I’m a “#metoo” who understands anger at all these levels but agree with “stop the madness”. The alternative is devolution.
1
people who are always giving in to their anger even if justified are boring. Same goes for those who are always sad and depressed. I simply cut them out of my life..who needs the drama
3
The author wrote many words but actually said very little. One of her statements though is very telling and illustrates the wallowing in exaggerated suffering that so many feminists seem to relish. She wrote the following: "the horror stories so many other women have lived through". Presumably she is referring to all the claims of harassment that are the essence of the MeToo group.
It is almost comical what qualifies as "harassment" to feminists like the MeTooers and the author of this article. Now she describes much of that "harassment" as "horror". Well, to be succinct, she is full of it. Harassment is not horror, not even when it crude and lewd, and certainly not when it is the new definition of "harassment" which even includes compliments on one's appearance.
Real horror is that which the Times describes as horror on its front page today.....children chained to furniture, in putrid smelling rooms, nearly starved. Real horror is torture. Real horror is being maimed or killed in wars. Real horror is being imprisoned on false or exaggerated accusations.
But this wallowing author joins the legion of complaining feminists who think they are entitled to lives where their sensibilities are preeminent obligating males never to offend under penalty of severe punishment. To justify the harsh penalties for offense that they demand, these feminists elevate offense to their sensibilities as "horror". It would all be comical if they were not having such success.
5
A wise person once said, "think of your anger as bad breath. Get it fixed, and meanwhile don't spread it around on the people unfortunate to be in your vicinity."
4
I’m nearing age 60. I have been spittin’ mad over gender inequities since puberty. The B word has been thrown in my face more times than I can calculate, but at some point after menopause that too-common insult morphed into one even more diminishing: bitter. I was brought up to be gracious and compliant. To eat my sorrow. What did you expect to grow from those nutrients?
6
Ms. Jamison,
I'm sorry to report to you, statistics that show half of women were "harassed" are irrational , and point to the kind of "irrational" anger you are talking about, yet with real-world consequences to whom you and other child-like non-adults point such serious charges against.
This is what's real: the surreal blur of words. What exactly does "harassment" mean?
To your ilk, it means hinting at something criminal, and embodying basically a all human behavior.
You should really be angry at and about whose tutelage you were under to become such precious - not real - victims
2
This is not a new problem. For those people who went through a higher education let me suggest reading Medea by Euripides, "
Medea: Of all creatures that can feel and think,
we women are the worst treated things alive. (31)
Euripides (480-406 B.C.)
Which is all to say that the abuse of women isn't new and it didn't come from America, it is ageless. Medea's rage and anger was terrifying to the Greeks but it is truth, not fantasy. Now we are finally seeing American anger being acted on. Some say that ancient Greek woman were just a bit above slaves in the way they were treated.
The reaction began in the 19th Century, but has been slow in activating. But read this from Ibsen:
“HELMER: But this is disgraceful. Is this the way you neglect your most sacred duties?
NORA: What do you consider is my most sacred duty?
HELMER: Do I have to tell you that? Isn't it your duty to your husband and children?
NORA: I have another duty, just as sacred.
HELMER: You can't have. What duty do you mean?
NORA: My duty to myself.”
― Henrik Ibsen, A Doll's House
6
It would be super-nice to not even rhetorically accuse Tonya Harding of whacking anyone's kneecaps. She didn't. Thank you.
4
Well, at least you aren't telling everyone Tonya Harding is your hero.
Anger is destructive. It shortens our lives.
We are currently going through a phase of horribly misplaced anger after Trump's installment in the White House. It is misplaced. All the rationalizations in the world won't justify anonymous accusations that destroy careers any more than anyone can make an argument that revenge porn is a good idea.
Not long ago it was campus rape...until we found out that those stats were all self-reported, no scientific basis at all. Then the stories of what "due process" looks like when you take away the presumption of innocence. UVA, Duke Lacross, and now it is "power imbalance."
I love and admire strong women. I worked for, contributed to and voted for one in Nov. 2016. I'm angry that she isn't in the White House. The longer Trump is there, the worse it is going to get. But we keep eating our own. Bye-bye, Al Franken! Why? Well, maybe he touched someone. Toodle-oo, Louis C.K.! We don't care that your shared self-pleasuring experiences were all consensual, it's just icky, so he gets memory-holed. Hasta la vista, Woody Allen! We don't care that the allegations by the proven liar Mia Farrow were garden variety attacks in a messy split, or that actual real pros examined Dylan, who was, they deemed, coached and brainwashed by her mother.
But Donald Trump just laughs at it all. 53% fo white women voted for him. That makes me angry.
1
For decades now, women have been told to be empowered. For quite a while, women have made much progress.
So WHY is it, that we have to have SAFE SPACES on university campuses to save us all from HURT FEELINGS?
The same people that SAFE SPACES are protecting are the same ones whose parents sent them to Leadership Camps, enrichment programs, AP classes, and every kind of music, soccer, skating, sports, theater, etc classes and programs abroad. Yet after all this, these same young women are told over and over and over and over that they are VICTIMS by the Left.
The Left does not want women to feel empowered.
They have more to gain by dictating to women and minorities that they will be nothing but victims, EVER. No matter how many leadership camps you get shipped off to, you must be made to feel like a victim.
Oooooh, you have ANGER!
When conservative women run for office, they are excoriated, drawn and quartered, ridiculed and told they're stupid by the Left.
When democrat women run for office and lose, there are screams of "Misogyny!", "wah! wah!!!!!" "Not fair!"
No wonder most women voted for Trump. We are tired of being told we're mindless, stupid victims with no power whatsoever.
Thank you President Trump for the stock market rise which made my portfolio rise substantially in the short time you were in office. I feel more empowered more than ever. Despite the Left demanding that I must feel like a victim. I am NOT a a victim, sorry.
4
Having red this rambling jumble of words I'm left wondering what the take away the author is hoping for.
Initially her point was women's anger is viewed as bad because it's stereotyped as destructive. She then goes on about how when she gets angry she gets destructive...contradicting her previous point.
She then takes us on a long trek through her womyn's-lib reading course. Segueing into her love/hate relationship with Tonya Harding. And after that I stopped reading since this was clearly going no where.
The Times really needs to get some better editors.
5
Wow. A LOT of angry commenters since I last peeked at the comments, many from men, a few from women. It seems that if it doesn't relate to someone's experience the writer is wrong or her ideas invalid. Also narcisisstic, self absorbed etc. I understand polarization in politics, but this is ridiculous. I do empathize with the writer, my experience similar to hers. But can't others just listen? She's not damning anyone, she's just talking about her struggles to come to terms with occasional anger, as a woman. No need for commenters to be judgemental. Honestly, with the attitude of some commenters it's no wonder there are very annoyed women! It's like you didn't even read the article! Women are sick of being dismissed and mocked for their feelings when it's uncomfortable for you.
3
Anger is what took over 5 MILLION people to the streets January 21, 2017.
Anger, backed by action to change is a wonderful thing.
Let's have 300 MILLION people around the world - who are in utter contempt of The Con Don and his democracy-destroying ideas - Hit The Streets this Saturday, January 20, in non-violent protest.
Actions speak louder than words. My sign will say, "NO WW3".
What will yours say?
https://www.womensmarch.com/
19
Anger isn't gender specific but it can be expressed and dealt with differently by gender, as noted in this piece. Male anger has the fuel of testosterone, which doesn't have an admirable history as a positive attribute given that, say, road rage is almost exclusively a male form of anger. Females, however, have much to be angry about.
Of course women become angry. That's hardly a bad thing. The problem is they are not allowed or are not supposed to show it. There's multiple reasons for this arbitrary exclusion that men seem not held to, but in some ways women are more likely to find a more productive, positive way to use their anger for making things better...a talent that men can have but only after they get to vent and act out.
Anger is best used as a motivator for change, but also best managed to maintain civility and focus rather than simply being angry. I love the growing number of female voices that are expressing their anger and frustration. Just don't be like men, who, for all their anger, often don't accomplish much.
Eclectic Pragmatism — http://eclectic-pragmatist.tumblr.com/
Eclectic Pragmatist — https://medium.com/eclectic-pragmatism
10
Did you read the article? Platitudes, no matter how true, disrespect the author if they are not connected to what was said.
11
Sorry, I thought this was a response to Michael Wakely (NYT error), who so inappropriately talks about hate. Another man demeaning women's anger by moralizing about hate, which is not the author's point.
20
Hate is a killing word.
Yes, you don't like some one or something.
Hate can hurt you more harm than those you think you hate.
13
I did not see the word "hate" anywhere in this article.
3
You confuse hate with anger. They are different.
3
Dear Michael Wakely:
I suggest you read the article.
2
Thanks for this article. Lots to be angry about. Also, we're destroying global human habitat. Billions will perish in our lifetimes. Best to all.
27
So, you heard the prep notes for Davos, too?
1
Brilliant! Thank you.
8
Anger usually ends up violent acts and is not healthy both for women and men. Most murders and violent acts are committed by angry people, many of them under influence. Usually weak people get angry be cause of their powerlessness. Nothing to be proud of. Try to get rid of it not to control.
10
So you advocate total passivity, even in the face of injustice, crime, abuse? No. That's what the slave owner says to the slave: just take it. Anger is toxic.
You know what, a lot of things are toxic. Sometimes anger is the brisk wind that blows the toxicity away.
2
My anger (at injustice, for example) fuels my energy to do something about it. Anger can fix things. It’s unfortunate that our culture tries to bury this normal emotion rather than to understand and heal it.
2
On the contrary, when anger is suppressed it erupts in violent acts.
We need to teach our children, girls and boys, how to be angry. Strong people express their anger appropriately; strong people don't suppress their anger and let it fester. Strong people don't feel shame about normal human emotions.
As one columnist in the NYT pointed out recently, the marriages that last are those where a couple learns how to fight fairly and without being personally destructive.
1
No matter what one does, we all feel anger just like we feel any other emotions...ever seen an angry babys face? Yeah it starts early just like a cooing baby.
What is the problem is when people do not know they are angry or they tried to hide it consciously or unconsciously rather than deal with it? Then it comes off even more dangerous as passive aggressive, depression, other mental issues and even sometimes as heart attack.
I heard someone said the other day, that it was easier to cure anger than a childish compliance? No wonder then. And childish compliance is for those hiding under being nice all the time when they are fuming inside.
14
Yes, female anger terrifies people, which may be why so many girls and women turn to self-harm, cutting, biting, burning themselves, or to over-eating or to bulimia and anorexia. This, society (men) tells us, is acceptable. Destroying yourself rather than trying to destroy the source of your rage is acceptable.
Because if women turned their righteous rage on the sources of their rage -- sexual assault, abuse, violence, discrimination, harassment and their perpetrators and enablers -- then those in power might lose that power.
126
You are very right - but in all fairness - and nobody in these rather intelligent letters had pointed it out I think - Women, too, can't deal with other women's anger when it's aimed at them for whatever reason (and yes, women, not being angels, might be the subject of rightful anger by girlfriends or family). There's only one solution to the anger issue. Own your anger with a dash of entitlement and express it with style, grace - and a steely spine :-)
1
Should we assume that rage is always righteous if expressed by a woman? I’ve known a number of quick-tempered women who simply got angry whenever they were frustrated. Needless to say, I’ve also known plenty of angry men and have not enjoyed the experience. The world would be better off if both men and women learned to control their anger.
1
No one in society, male or female, finds cutting as an acceptable form of any kind of expression. Destroying yourself, through whatever means, is your choice. Make better, more productive choices. Take personal responsibility, change everything you need to until you have personal power.
Excellent!
7
Before reading this article and the comments, I was a man, but now, according to this author and her followers, I'm a woman, because I feel sad. I didn't know that emotions have sex. Yes, it saddens me that people can't get over themselves. That a person who can analyze others with such precision can't get to know herself beyond genderized superstitions, symbolism and stereotypes. This thinking is lazy, self-indulgent, narcissistic, divisive and destructive. Thurman was right to restrain her anger. Anger clouds the mind. as do other emotions, like fear and sadness. Giving control over to emotions ensures the survival of injustice. Why can't we all -- men and women -- be more like Ms. Thurman?
16
Obnoxious and patronizing.
1
Ugh. I've been comfortable with my anger since I was three. Why did I waste my time reading a grossly overlong article by a person who's let the system beat her down far more than I ever have? It was like running a marathon backwards.
And Tonya Harding will always be AWESOME in my book, because she threw a MONKEY WRENCH (almost literally) into the works of the execrable, hopelessly compromised "sport" of Olympic figure skating, with all its subjective scoring, emphasis on supposedly "graceful" (read stereotypically "feminine") ballet gestures, drag-queen worthy make-up, revealing outfits, pandering to cishet, allosexual male viewers, and sequins, sequins, sequins, glitter, glitter, glitter!
[fixing error]
52
hmmm. Injuring an opponent is just fine with you? As long as it is a thumb in the eye of us "elites"?
20
You're a little scary.
4
Get your facts straight. Harding did not attack Kerrigan.
2
HR would like to talk to you about your "anger" as directed toward your "team. " Please bring your office keys and lanyard, too.
11
Loved your article. Anger is vital to our survival, it warns us when our boundaries have been violated. Reclaiming female anger as just one of many feelings the patriarchy tries to squash is vital. If I'd heard one more person describe HRC as shrill I wanted to shriek!! And look at the shrieking male baboon incompetent petulant know nothing way less than half of voters put in office. Time to reclaim our anger and dignity and self worth and feelings of empowerment!!!!! Resist and persist and sweep the house and senate and in 2020 the White House!
51
YES! Vote in the coming legislative elections as well as your state and municipal elections. Or run for office yourself.
Make use of you anger to gain power by the means at our disposal.
1
That's a really good point about anger being vital to survival. Like other painful emotions, such as fear, pain, etc., it tells us when something is wrong or some norm has been violated - a sort of warning bell. It can be an important signal that something needs to change, whether in a personal relationship or collaborative effort. Like it or not, many teachers, coaches and bosses express anger to convey that something is important and needs to be remembered and addressed as such. Obviously, without moderation it can be a very destructive quality, but so can any emotion or personality trait. And there are definitely gendered expectations around the expression of anger that limit women from expressing this particular emotion as fully as men (of course in some situations, this may be a good thing...in others, not so much!)
1
“America’s obsession”?
Thanks for the lecture on what shiny objects you have gathered to enlighten on this universal constant of anger and its universal meaning for those with an xy sex chromosome combo suffered to live with so many xx combos. We are all grateful someone made you the one true owner and judge those souls past present and future.
Oh those sisters who came before who suffered so for not knowing what you are privileged to know. And the billions even now who think you full of it if they bothered to give it a thought.
How ever can they thank you other than their complete devotion to your words? And even that can never be enough for the discovery you give them so magnanimously.
Anerica’s Obsession? Mirror mirror on the wall.
3
And what is precisely YOUR problem - other than being a bit overwhelmed, possibly envious?
That’s a fair amount of anger
Where are the women who don't get angry? The ones I've known do a good job of expressing themselves. If a man says the wrong thing to another man they know they can end a freindship. Even brothers won't talk to each other for years. Women say pretty mean stuff to each other and the next day theiy're tal like sisters again like nothing happened. Women should understand men react differently to anger and hostilty. Verbal abuse last forever and men don't don't deal with it well.
There's a famous comedian who's publicity says she's all about love but constantly says she hates men. How twisted we've become when we believe her.
7
I've known many a woman to swallow or mitigate her anger. This is not about mean whispers or unkind asides behind someone's back. Anger. In your face anger. When was the last time you saw that in a sober woman? Our culture tells us that it's inappropriate - unfeminine - for a woman to be angry, and a lot of us believe it. Those of us who are not afraid to show anger are called all kinds of names, female dog not least. Because anger is power, and power in our culture is reserved for those who have a "right" to it: men.
Wow, I wish you'd included a few more sweeping generalizations.
The one about how one man saying "the wrong thing" to another ends the relationship, while women let all kinds of "mean stuff" slide, would strike my mom and aunt as pretty funny.
They haven't spoken since 1989, ever since an exchange of letters in which my aunt allegedly mimicked my mom allegedly bragging about her kids.
1
Women should know that nobody pays them to be 'nice'.
11
If you are trying to promote feminism by endorsing anger, you are hypocritically inconsistent. Men are imprisoned every day for acts done in anger. If you think that anger is a man's domain that must be explored and endorsed, you are fools. Expressed rage by either gender NEVER does good to people or society. Stop the madness.
65
Women’s anger has been suppressed from within and without. Men’s anger hasn’t. The difference is women are using their brains to understand the useful employment of anger as a tool rather than as the weapon it has been used against them by men. But you wouldn’t understand that, being a man and mansplaining how things “work” in the world you guys have imposed on all of us.
Is it just me or are the majority of comments from men here? Seems like they are furtively anxious about what to expect from the new Fempire...
And while we’re at it, when are we going to hear more from male experts about why and how men are natural predators, sexual aggressors and how we can raise generations of men with improved self-control and decision-making skills? You ran a piece some weeks ago that touched on this but I haven’t seen a follow-up. Lots of angry women want to know “why men are like this” and how we can work with and through problematic behaviors common to males. Judging by the comments most of the men here seem to have little to no idea either.
5
Anger doesn't have to mean violence towards another person. Unexpressed rage can be a dangerous thing if allowed to fester too long.
4
A world of difference lies between *acts* of anger and *expressions* of anger (via words, gestures and facial expressions).
This comment dangerously confuses the issues and does the Times readership a disservice. The expression of anger via words and gestures is healthy way of releasing the internal pressure that angry feelings create. It thereby *prevents* the kind of angry *acts* that land people in jail. Not just violent acts that inflict personal injury or cause property damage, but also those (like signing the hated person up for multiple magazine subscriptions, or placing a bag of dog poop on their front porch) that constitute harassment.
I was always taught it was far better to lash out with words as soon as I felt wronged, focusing on the *specifics* of the wrong, at a time when both parties had the facts fresh in their minds. But I was also taught that hitting and other forms of violence are absolute wrongs, and that property damage is an act of profound disrespect, to be reserved for political expression in only the most extreme situations.
I only wish I could say I always followed the first instruction (in some circumstances, such as at my job and with people who work for me, I tend to bottle things up), although I'm glad that, perhaps because of the second instruction, I've never been a hitter or wall-puncher. But in my experience it is indeed healthy to get one's anger off one's chest early on, rather than letting it build up to dangerous levels.
5
Female anger vs Male anger. There is no difference of special rights to either sex. We are all entitled. I would prefer women expressing their anger rather than subjugating their feelings into tears. I would respect the anger more than lacrimal fluid gushing from red eyes.
5
What is it about tears that terrifies men so much (and makes them so angry)? It's a biological reaction, not an emotional one. That's like getting mad because someone gets red-faced when they're angry. The person has no control over it.
Female rage is getting a bit boring, it's splattered all over the front page every morning with the #metoo nonsense getting everybody upset about every little slight, let's get over this
12
#metoo isn't about little slights. It's about sexual assault.
I'm sorry that you're bored, but you need to get over it. I hope women will continue to speak out about assault.
1
Wow. A few months of female rage versus millennia of rape, domestic violence, subjugation, etc., and you’ve had enough. You’d never make it as a woman.
1
Thank you so much for this piece. I've always been in touch with my anger but I learned very early on that my anger was unacceptable to those around me. Too messy. Too grandiose. Too loud. No more. Without my anger, i'd still be in all of the abusive relationships I was in. My anger has allowed me to appropriately set boundaries in every single aspect of my life and to know and understand that my voice and my feelings matter, no matter how ugly and messy they may be.
99
Anger, like envy is a weakness, and it is best not to succumb to such emotions. Any real man will tell you this. Compassion is the key. The world is changing fast. Anger, envy ,greed will grind your soul to a halt. One thing we can learn from nature is evolve or die.
26
Mansplaining makes me angry.
88
Awesome
killing the messenger makes me angry
1
All of us need to stay angry. If anything, the level of rage needs to build until November 6. Then, polling places must be buried in an avalanche of snowflakes and pink hats. If we blow it again, we're finished!
35
The end game of anger is a world in ashes.
11
Really? I thought anger is what motivated the Civil Rights Movement to adopt non-violence as their come back. Use it constructively, not destructively.
2
It upset me when Nancy Kerrigan was misquoted as crying out "Why me?" I clearly recall her screaming "Why, why, why?" I wonder if Newsweek was called to task for its inaccuracy. If it has not happened yet, it should.
20
Thank you so much, Ms. Jamison, for that eloquent, powerful and extremely timely essay.
But please know this isn't only a problem for women.
How many, many times as a boy -- and even in manhood -- when I've expressed justified anger at a hurt or injustice, have parents, teachers, work supervisors and even so-called friends told me, "Can't you just be big about this?" or "Forgive and forget!" or, now, that platitudinous New Age mantra, "Just let it go, let it go ..."
82
This was the most informative, well constructed and elegant piece written about this subject that I have ever read. I learned. I began going back through every relationship, every argument and every agreement and questioned my perceptions and conclusions. I have already read this more than once and I will continue to study this and break it down. I recognize something here that is deeper. The rare and wonderful moment when something rings true. And in this case, gonging like Big Ben, heard by a whole city. Thank you. I will share this because it will give birth to wonderful discussions. Paradigm-changing Insights are so rare these days.
89
Anger is a protective mechanism found in animals. Once activated it is hard to turn off because chemicals cut in that over ride logic. It is part of our complex biology to assure survival of the species. Culturally, women are better at controlling anger than men, who are expected to expresses it in the form of violence. This to is biological in that women know that once they go into defense mode there is no stopping them, but men often do it just to show they are force to deal with, with no intention to do harm.
2
Nice segue from science to nonsense.
2
This is spot on, and it would be interesting to see a comparable article on the male perspective on this issue. Just as women are told to never to be angry, men are told never to be sad. I still remember being ridiculed by my fourth grade teacher (female), who copied my crying sounds in front of the entire class.There is a similar scene in the Godfather, where Brando's character verbally and physically abuses a man for crying. Consequently, when a man has something bad happen to him, he gets angry. This means he finds someone to blame, and often commits violence, verbal or physical, against that person.
I have found it helpful to recognize that whenever I am angry (my default response to misfortune) I also have an opportunity to be sad. All you have to do is stop blaming someone for the problem, and see it as nobody's fault. I have learned how to shift those feelings back and forth, and this helps to dissipate the emotion much more effectively than trying to repress either emotion.
147
I'm six feet tall in flats, and female. It is socially unacceptable for me to express anger. If I raise my voice at all, or even express a firm opinion, men and women act as if I've set fire to the furniture. Every sentence that I utter must be in sunny tones, or have an uptick at the end of it. As for anger, that's something to be kept for times at home - alone.
Imagine the men in your life talking with endless upticks. They'd sound ridiculous, right ?
234
"If I raise my voice at all, or even express a firm opinion, men and women act as if I've set fire to the furniture."
One of the classic techniques of abusers is to mischaracterize the victim's justified, verbally expressed anger, wildly exaggerating it as either out-of-control rage (aka "hysteria," a sexist term) or an act of violence.
It's a form of gaslighting ("Yes, you were screaming."), an instance of mirror argumentation ("*You're* the abuser, not me!"), the flip side of minimization and denial, and a reflection of the abuser's genuine and cherished belief that they alone are entitled to express anger.
5
And yet men do up-talk, especially young men, college men and men, ordained men and men in the "helping professions." Yes, it does sound ridiculous for anyone to do that. But why now? I'm old enough to remember a time when no one resorted to up-talking--certainly not my sister, my mother, my grandmothers. What's going on right now that encourages people to manipulate others in this way? And why women in this age of feminism?
2
Women that speak with upticks sound ridiculous too.
1
We are officially in upside down world. "Grace" is a victim! Tanya Harding is so misunderstood!
Zero personal responsibility.
If this is feminism- I don't recognize it.
10
Ugh. I've been comfortable with my anger since I was three. Why did I waste my time reading a grossly overlong article by a person who's let the system beat her down far more than I ever have? It was like running a marathon backwards.
And Tonya Harding will always be AWESOME in my book, because she took a MONKEY WRENCH (almost literally) into the execrable, hopelessly compromised "sport" of Olympic figure skating, with all its subjective scoring, emphasis on supposedly "graceful" (read stereotypically "feminine") ballet gestures, drag-queen worthy make-up, revealing outfits, pandering to cishet, allosexual male viewers and sequins, sequins, sequins, glitter, glitter, glitter!
6
It's interesting that the illustrations for an article on women's anger do not show angry women.
19
Thanks, I was going to comment on that fact, too.
Another example of how our culture interprets a neutral expression in women as negative. Remember the sexist concept of the "resting b-word face"? Smile, girls!
2
It's easiest to express anger with people with whom we feel safe with in terms of potential blowback. Over time, repressed anger takes its toll on the body, on the mind, and certainly on the spirit. In the beginning, expressing anger will likely come out as overblown and ugly, so eating some crow afterwards is likely appropriate in terms of the expression but not the issue that ticked you off, in the first place. Anger is a surge of power that can help us put a stop to feeling wronged by someone or some situation. Making friends with your anger may sound trite but it will help to begin the process of integrating anger and becoming a more whole person who can express anger in ways that you would prefer it expressed toward you.
12
When I began working at a large law firm in the late 80s, a male senior partner gave the first year litigation lawyers some interesting advice. “If you become angry while dealing with an opponent, your advocacy suffers. You can’t maintain control and make a good argument. If you find yourself angry at work, you are doing something wrong.”
Anger and its aftermath are problematic for both men and women.
62
Being an advocate is SUPPOSED to be detached. It's the definition of the role- cooling down everybody so the judge can end up with impartiality. That's why he said, if you find yourself angry AT WORK. Doesn't mean lawyers etc. are all cool and detached in their private lives. Or if they are, they are doing something wrong THERE- not engaging emotionally.
1
The law is supposed to be dispassionate; your general regard for anger is oversimplified. If you’re a lawyer then you should realize that context always matters. Anger is an important tool to be used to protect oneself or others and yes, can also be harming if employed incorrectly.
1
At the law firm where I worked at about the same time a male senior partner yelled and threw a chair during a meeting. He might have been doing something wrong, but it was not clear to me that his cases or his position at the firm suffered.
1
Like with most animals, and we are members of the animal kingdom, females will do what it takes to protect the family and themselves and males attack to get something they want. We see this continually, in times of war domestic violence and just plane office politics. One is defensive the other is aggressive. However, in both cases, our bodies produce chemicals that cut in to insure maximum effectiveness that may outweigh logic.
2
Anger is a normal human emotion. It is neither good or bad.
Chronic anger however is an enormous turn-off. In women and men. I don;t want to spend even a minute in the presence of bitter, resentful, angry people. Why should I?!
We should not encourage people to go down the anger rabbit hole. We should encourage them to be more self aware.
19
My wife's rage is very shallow. By that I mean it takes very little to set her into a rage since it's just below the surface. And it occurs after something happens that most normal women would simply laugh off. Not sure where it comes from but holy cow it's scary.
9
To "get mad" is to "go mad". You are usually punished when you display anger. Which is funny because I went to Catholic grade school and the nuns were always FURIOUS.
14
It's centuries past time that women get angry with the very idea that they are "lesser" beings than men and, for that reason, can be discounted, ignored and abused.
Anger is a great motivator. Rage is a great motivator. However, unlike men, women tend to take non-violent action to make changes. We are seeing a sea-change unprecedented in recorded HIStory.
Women and girls will make it OUR story by taking one-half the power in the world and bringing balance to it. No more hate-anger-fear-LIES,LIES,LIES-WAR running OUR lives and constantly destroying civilization.
Hit The Streets this Saturday to show that WE THE PEOPLE - Socially Conscious Women and Men - will not stand for the world The Con Don and his International Mafia Top 1% Global Financial Elite Robber Baron/radical religion Good Old Boys' Cabal want. Not now. Not ever again.
https://www.womensmarch.com/
25
Most males have a great fear of female anger, because they feared their mother's disapproval. Most females are socialized to cry when they feel angry, and most males to display anger when they feel sad. The healthy way of being is to speak your anger and your sorrow.
36
Crying when angry is a physiological reaction. Most women I know who cry when angry are all the more angry that they are crying, because they know it will be misunderstood and they will be ridiculed for it.
2
@Liz (NY): Anger harms the health of the angry person.
@BSM (MA): Agreed. Keeping it under tight control has consequences.
Anger, released properly heals. Go forth!
10
Anger is not a gender issue, it's a personality issue. It is generally induced when a goal (or goal-seeking activity) is blocked in some way. According to Power and Dalgleish (2016): "Anger: Blocking or frustration of a role or goal through perceived agent." (p. 105)
Cite:
Power, Mick and Tim Dalgleish. Cognition and Emotion : From Order to Disorder. Psychology Press, 2016. 460 pages. ISBN: 978-1-84872-268-2
4
You miss the point. Everyone feels anger, certainly. However, every society has different rules for how men and women are supposed to express/not express their emotions, and judges them differently on violations of those social norms. Women are judged harshly for expressing anger. Black people are judged exceptionally harshly for it. American society gets totally freaked out at the thought of an "angry black man." Her point is the different social acceptability of the emotion, not that people feel it differently.
2
Here is the bottom line gang, imo.
Everybody has hate. It is not right or wrong. The issue is how you deal with it.
As Nixon said, and I am paraphrasing and adding to what he said, if you hate somebody and let it consume you, it will destroy you.
He realized it too late.
4
I feel for this writer. Her torment and the issue she writes about is real. Yet, somewhere in there is also the luxury of intelligence, time and education to spend creating even more self misery.
13
Methinks one makes far too much from an emotion both base and generally vicious (as opposed to virtuous). Outrage, shock, etc., qua 'anger' may indeed be understandable in response to certain circumstances, but anger in general is not a good thing because most often it is followed by action based upon emotional response, not reason, not rational thought. It is not productive, and logically, it entails (by effect(s)) illogic.
This from one who 'self-medicated' with tequila (and more) until 30, controlling that anger, fortifying that sense of self. Quite a waste of time, and were I to still fixate upon anger, it would be directed at my stupidity and blindness.
To put it another way, the only thing for which anger might be said to be good is to direct one's attention to that which seems to be giving rise to the anger, and then either avoid it, stop it, fix it, or tolerate it. But again, often, the root of the anger is oneself.
Enough philosophizing. My tea is now cold, which is wholly my own fault.
2
Stunningly written truth. Thank you.
8
I never knew a woman who had any trouble expressing anger.
10
Expressing it, is what gets you harsh judgement and being treated as if it's unwarranted, and not taken seriously. You are scolded, rather than being asked the source of your anger.
This has happened to be plenty of times. Or someone has accused me of being angry, like an insult or epithet.
Black women especially have had to deal with this. The "angry black woman" is caricature, and an object of disdainful fear this author has mentioned.
Black women deal with greater percentages of obesity, being single, domestic violence and economic disparity...and anger at this, where is it to go?
But, expressing it, only gets you less understanding and results, not more.
I've been there. And all the energy it takes to be angry, is wasted.
"We Wear The Mask", a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar, expresses this, very eloquently.
5
I believe you, absolutely, Yadda...
1
Unlike Jamison, I don’t think I ever had a problem with anger. I grew up on Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know.” There was a time in my life when I woke up every single morning angry — because I was in pain, because I was tired, because I was confined, because I had obligations that chafed . . .
But what are you going to do with that? Anger is inherently dangerous, for everyone. I know someone who freed her anger, helped by feminism, and she hit me in the head — very mature, that.
Anger needs to serve a purpose. No one thought it was ugly when I got mad at a bum getting too close to my children. There is Just anger, and that can be attractive and impressive in men and women.
But anger hurts. And if you can’t do anything productive with it, if you are trapped by circumstance or biology (as women often are), what then? Even political anger is not often productive. I’ve learned to decide how I’ll vote, what I think, and then I do not think about certain things anymore. Who wants to spend their life sad and angry? “God, give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.”
38
Anger is useful. It lets you know that something is very wrong. The point is to deal with the something, not the anger.
20
Agreed that anger is useful. Dealing with (honestly feeling and possibly expressing) the anger is the first step to dealing with "the something."
6
All the great sages will tell you that anger is the fundamental poison that causes war. War is anger.
It gets you nowhere. The other person (or nation) gets all defensive. It kills dialogue.
Acting or speaking when angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I prefer to wait until anger passes until I act. (not always successful !)
Than I am in control, and I can maybe change, or make a step towards changing, whatever it is that provoked me to an anger.
Sometimes it works out that I end up eventually "getting even." Delicious.
4
Actually war is greed fueled by lies and fear (hate).
Anger is a perfectly healthy, normal emotion that everyone feels. i think the problem - not at all caused by some overarching Big Other or Male Patriarchy - is that many women, particularly in the West but certainly elsewhere, are very in touch with their intellect but out of touch with their own feelings. For whatever reasons, they have justified distancing themselves from a range of very normal reactions to stimuli under the guise of being above those emotions. Maybe it's the result of seeing male anger, which is often expressed through violence and yelling. Maybe it's the unwarranted perception that without the physical strength they associate with males (that many women posses as well, mind you) their anger is impotent (which itself is a gendered concept). Whatever the cause is, women who carry the idea in their head that sadness suits them more have cut themselves off from their own humanity and need to reassess their lives. I'm not saying anyone should take to the streets flipping cars over in an attempt to find themselves. Rather, instead of burying that anger, let it out and deal with those feelings. Men do it all the time. You don't have to do it as we do (though it might be liberating for you), but you must find a way to do so to be a complete person.
8
Anger turned inwards too often results in depression. That may be the sadness Ms Jamison is experiencing.
14
I AM AN intelligent woman and doctor who gets overlooked and underlistened to in medicine because of being a woman. I have always cared for the poor both inner city and rural, and when I stand up for their rights or their needs, I get ignored or worse, told it is unimportant. When I complain of a truth or a real need, besides being ignored, I am told, that if I was only "nice" everything would be OK. Whether it is a procedure for a bleeding 16 year old pregnant woman, refusal to use a common drug, or requests for minimal but normal important services for my patients, I am considered angry and aberrant, "feisty", arrogant and nasty and tactless (the last may be true). I am angry that after 40 years in medicine, I and my opinion is not considered or heard because I am female, and that my repeated requests are considered nasty, and thus I am wrong and an abomination. At least no one is trying to drown me as a witch.
227
You go girrrl! From a fellow doc on the receiving end too long. Not afraid of my own emotions anymore, but others might be.
4
Here's my latest and probably worst experience with expressing anger. A female psychiatrist recently made it clear to me that "talking about," or "working through" my anger (which had accumulated from 6 decades of swallowing it to be "nice" " was part of "my work." actually telling her I was angry in a stern, emotionally clear voice was not ok. Yep, I fired her, and not politely.
5
Thank you. Your words could be my own. Keep fighting for what - and who - you believe in. I will, too.
3
"This is a vision of anger as fuel and fire, as a powerful inoculation against passivity, as strange but holy milk suckled from the wolf. This anger is more like an itch than a wound. It demands that something happen. "
Leslie Jamison wrote this in the last paragraph: a perfect summary of how I view anger.
3
Let the "necessary" anger that "demands that something happen" not turn into a political movement of sexual harassment for personal vendetta and profiteering.
We have seen cases of Al Franken, Garrison Keillor, and Aziz Ansari where fairness and commonsense have been absent.
Separating real sexual harassment from acceptable norms of a fair society requires cooler heads and moderation.
5
It's been (and continues to be) cultural acceptable for women to go more the passive aggressive revenge route than to straight up angry responses. And the passive aggressive revenge route is not just against male transgressors.
I think I'd rather have the angry responses. The passive aggressive route is horrible and often abusive.
6
LOL!!!
Check-in with stats on male anger turned towards wives/girlfriends and you'll see how dangerous anger freely expressed is...
Out cultures's main problem is men are not at all encouraged to examine themselves...
15
As a woman married to a passive aggressive man, I disagree with your generalization, Tim.
How many women are murdered in America and at what frequency? Most often by their SO? And how does this compare to female anger?
Master, if I return good for evil, what then have I to return for good? The Master replied: Evil deserves a straight answer; good should be returned for good. - Confucius, The Analects, Book II, v. 3.
I found this essay confusing. When do men express rage without consequence? If they do they are quickly arrested or beaten. You can dance on your hat like Yosemite Sam, but to what end? Wrong deserves a straight answer, not an enraged shout that will do nothing but drive people away, whether it comes from a man or a woman. If you want to be effective, be cool as a pool, tell the truth and shame the Devil, as my mother used to say, and don't worry about what fools think. The problem isn't that women or men suppress lizard-brain reactions to unpleasant stimuli; it's that ranting and raving and spewing and shouting doesn't produce the result you want.
6
If you learn to speak like an adult you won't be able to use the typical female manipulation techniques. You must choose between all the advantages of being a kept baby in a baby society or an adult. Most women are angry, but typically they are incapable of expressing why and when they do they don't like the response. You can't be both a "protected class" and be adults. I think most men would prefer that you lose the tantrums and learn to communicate like an adult. But then, it is not clear that women want to be individuals responsible for their own lives. Thus all the articles written asking why men aren't doing more for women.
In my experience most women are like the Kardashians. All mystery and lies, greed and selfishness. Using sex as a tool of manipulation. That is why they really don't want adult discourse on that topic, because they lose their greatest tool for manipulation.
2
That's a pretty cynical view of women.
15
Spoken like a millennial.
I think misogynistic men don't attract average women, so their original positions get reinforced.
2
Sisters, there is a lot to be angry about.
US childhood poverty is among worst in world.
The United States spends more on national defense than China, Saudi Arabia, Russia, United Kingdom, India, France, and Japan combined.
Joe Biden, "closing one tax loophole could provide the best education for all kids." Our patriarchy is a failure.
15
Allowing any emotion to flow through you to some type of positive action is the result of a healthy disposition, mind and life. Not everyone can do it, and certainly extreme examples lead to destruction of themselves and others.
It is easy to fall into a pattern, where you feel like you have no control and that your opinions, thoughts or actions do not matter. ( especially women, minorities and LGBTQ community that has been downtrodden for so long )
All of these new emotions ( especially anger ) are being allowed to manifest themselves without repercussions now. A good thing and a bad thing.
If ( like I said ) people can channel that anger into something good, then we are all better for it, but if people are just going to walk around angry all the time, thinking that things will magically change by themselves, then we are being set up for a whole new set of problems.
Don't worry, be happy.
4
Anger can be episodic, I don't think the writer is choosing all encompassing anger as a solution. I'm seeing a lot of confused and defensive comments from men here.
7
We are all of two minds. Anger, like all emotions, is a fleeting state of the more primitive parts of the brain concerned with our survival. Our prefrontal cortex can observe this state and decide how to interpret it and whether to act on it. Observing emotion in ourselves and deciding not to act on it, but to let it pass, as all emotions do, is not the same as repressing that emotion. Emotions just are. Neither good or bad, labeled by our often overactive cortex's efforts to dissect and describe them, or left to be felt in all their messy, complex rawness. We feel them in our bodies even if we mislabel them or deny them. It is up to us to recognize our emotional states, often by being aware of our bodies, and decide what to do with them. It begins with awareness of of our body, and our two minds.
5
Allowing any emotion to flow through you to some type of positive action is the result of a healthy disposition, mind and life. Not everyone can do it, and certainly extreme examples lead to destruction of themselves and others.
It is easy to fall into a pattern, where you feel like you have no control and that your opinions, thoughts or actions do not matter. ( especially women, minorities and LGBTQ community that has been downtrodden for so long )
All of these new emotions ( especially anger ) are being allowed to manifest themselves without repercussions now. A good thing and a bad thing.
If ( like I said ) people can channel that anger into something good, then we are all better for it, but if people are just going to walk around angry all the time, thinking that things will magically change by themselves, then we are being set up for a whole new set of problems.
Don't worry, be happy.
1
Thank you Leslie Jamison for this excellent and honest writing, now as we soon again gather in a significant way with other women and those who support us. You use the word "accountability". I prefer to speak of the need for humans to accept responsibility rather than live with blame. Your piece speaks eloquently for responsibility.
And when will we truly be able to see our sisters without the constructs of a patriarchal culture?
Again I thank you.
4
Allowing any emotion to flow through you to some type of positive action is the result of a healthy disposition, mind and life. Not everyone can do it, and certainly extreme examples lead to destruction of themselves and others.
It is easy to fall into a pattern, where you feel like you have no control and that your opinions, thoughts or actions do not matter. ( especially women, minorities and LGBTQ community that has been downtrodden for so long )
All of these new emotions ( especially anger ) are being allowed to manifest themselves without repercussions now. A good thing and a bad thing.
If ( like I said ) people can channel that anger into something good, then we are all better for it, but if people are just going to walk around angry all the time, thinking that things will magically change by themselves, then we are being set up for a whole new set of problems.
Don't worry, be happy.
1
Your final line is so trite it makes my teeth hurt. (And yes, I know it’s from a silly song.)
1
Great article. (I've been in therapy for years over my anger). I just want to comment about Nancy Kerrigan. I remember when hearing Nancy's reaction "why me," -- well, why not you? Why anyone? Those two words were so telling (about people in general - and that's not to say I didn't have empathy for Nancy). Same as the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". I always felt the title of the book should have been "When Bad Things Happen to Seemingly Good People."
Read the article. She actually said “why?” Not “why me?”
1
Being a sociologist who specializes in gender I commend the author on a very insightful examination of gender and anger. However, too many people see this as an individual experience/issue. Understanding the social/structural nature of this problem is paramount to comprehending how to address it, as it is a ubiquitous problem all women experience.
Gender relations are power relations, and for men as a group to generally maintain their privileged position in society requires strategies designed to maintain women's subordination. Such relations operate as if they are "natural" thereby making it exceedingly difficult for the average woman to recognize all the many ways in which she is thwarted at every attempt to be powerful, or at the very least unharmed by gender inequality. If these facts alone do not make you angry then you are still operating within the gender norms that so effectively keep you oppressed as women. Since we women internalize the "reality" that harms us, we must reject that so-called reality and assert realities that empower us. Breaking free of those norms is an initial and highly effective strategy for addressing female depression at a societal level, rather than just individually. Mere individual therapy will not change society for the benefit of all women and, by extension, for all men as well.
68
Can you recommend further readings on this subject please?
I read an article recently that stated that gender was a caste system.
The strategy of pretending customs are "natural" or biologically determined strikes me as reminiscent of the caste system in India, or that of medieval feudalism, where one was born into a status that typically remained immutable for life. Are sociologists analyzing gender customs as a caste system?
1
I recently read another article in another publication about depression which stated that the condition, rather than being an illness, is actually a natural response to a troubling situation. Depression, for example, that stemmed from bereavement being a natural expression of grief. The solution postulated by the author is to change the circumstances and the psyche will eventually repair itself. I believe that this author, as a sufferer herself of depression, is on to something with this holistic response that avoids the chemical route. Perhaps, the same can be said of anger?
It is a natural response to a troubling situation too. It ordinarily spurs the angered to pursue redress, in this way promoting healthy progress. Extraordinarily, where this protocol fails, it enables mass shooting atrocities or lesser forms of violence against the person. This type of anger develops from many complexities, but is characterised succinctly by the fact that anger cannot be healthily ignored or suppressed. We need to become enlightened in our feet of clay society that is reluctant to address the needs of an individual, causing anger in a situation that can be changed and the problem assuaged.
I lost a great friend in the Las Vegas massacre. I could be angry too, but what would that help? I can only seek awareness of a situation in order to understand it and avoid its repetition. We do not need to live in a society that perpetuates survival of the fittest against the survival of everyone
2
Once I was concerned about a female coworker who was smart and endlessly angry. People didn't cross her, so she had 'power'. In response to my concern she said,
"Anger is a normal human emotion."
'True', I reasoned.
But historically women value the mindful channeling of anger. Ghandi understood how to leverage anger and channel it into "peaceful power". There are times to lash out, there are times for all sorts of behavior. But I cherish the role of women as the peacekeepers, the empathetic, the seekers of cooperative humanity.
5
Why not step-up and be a peace-keeper, too?
I'd prefer it if *all* humans worked toward peace.
In fact, as long as peacekeeping remains gendered and "pink," some sexist people -- the Trumps of the world -- will never respect it.
1
Anger is not a virtue. It is to be recognized and controlled before its power destroys positive and rational thinking. It is the most addictive of vices because it is fed by a sense of righteousness, a sense one is entitled to be angry. The continuing embrace of anger as the seminal emotion for the MeToo movement is now turning off the vast majority of Americans. An important point is lost due to the rancor of its advocates. Hardly the first time.
3
You really don't understand. Women have held in their anger so not to be judged, and here they are just talking about releasing some of that when it is appropriate, and you are judging. We don't need your permission, sir.
9
Yes, it's hardly the first time men have leveled the charge of "angry" at women trying to obtain equal rights.
As if there's anything wrong with anger in itself. As if justified anger weren't a necessary first step in taking action to right wrongs.
The implication has always been that "angry women" are ugly. Combined with teaching girls, beginning with the toddler stage at the latest, that it is all-important -- the only thing that matters -- that they be beautiful (or at least pretty), the strategy of men using "angry woman" as an insult has been largely successful. I hope that's finally changing.
1
Anger is a motivating and clarifying emotion. It has helped me identify what my values are.
7
I didn't feel anger until I stopped being depressed and suicidal in my early 20s. Anger is a natural response to boundary crossing, a violation. You have to feel like you're worthy enough as a person to have boundaries that can be violated. It can be difficult for me to cope with rage because I developed more coping strategies for depression rather than anger, but I think experiencing anger is one of the biggest indicators of my healing. I am worthy, and I don't deserve to be treated poorly!
105
You are so correct! Yes, our anger is often deserved, and healthy. Presenting it is the problem...we are expected to smile like cheerleaders while being assertive...how does that work? A sister once said "sometimes anger is instructional". Make it a pointed barb, direct and to the point, when you use it.
2
My rush of anger has saved my life on at least two occasions and saved a friend from physical violence at least three times. Yes anger is a natural response to unfairness, but it is also the start of the "fight response." Who needs that response more than young women? Occasionally I have overreacted (not physically but verbally) in anger. But surely that is natural. I agree that adults should not show their anger to children. But aggressive men are not children. Sometimes a reminder that poor behaviour will evoke a woman's fury is exactly the reminder they need to behave better.
40
The modern woman seems embarked on the perilous journey of using negativity and negative emotions -- hostility, disappointment, anger, rage, vengeance, retribution, and their tactical expressions as shaming, accusing, sniping, denouncing, decrying, condemning -- to guide their social and spiritual path.
I'm struck that these are all profoundly stereotypical expressions of femininity, because they are other directed and expressly other directed at men (fathers, husbands, faculty colleagues, etc.). *You* did this to me, *you* are responsible for my pain, *you* are guilty of transgression ... *you*, the man, the male, the patriarch, the "gendered oppressor."
I don't dispute the healthfulness of anger and the utility of accepting negative emotions as part of progress. I say there's a real focus on negative femininity in the media and social discourse, remarkable since we live in an era when women have more freedom, responsibility and individuality than ever before in human history.
It's remarkable to see "Jane Eyre," the tale of a woman who surmounts social and gender obstacles of every kind with intelligence and character, interpreted in the lurid light of a madwoman's arson. If the author can't see the real moral of that story, how can she find the redeeming and beautiful in her own life?
3
The unacceptability of female anger is what causes us to turn it inward, leading to self-harm, cutting, biting, burning. It's what leads us to overeat or to anexoria or bulimia. Society wants us to turn it against ourselves because if we ever actually channeled that anger -- most of it righteous, a response to the injustice we suffer and see everywhere -- the unjust pillars of society (the powerful, privileged and rich) could not stand against it.
Be warned, I'm not turning anger against myself anymore. Millions of us feel the same way.
71
I believe anger is a secondary emotion--a reaction to pain or fear. Maybe it is the "fight" part of the "fight or flight" phenomenon found in most animals.
I find the emotion of anger to be the biggest impediment to clear thinking and reexamination necessary to solve complex social problems. You cant stop feeling anger, it's built in to you, but you should use the emotion as a sign that you are temporarily impaired by the emotion and need to reexamine the problem in a less heated manner.
33
Interesting - so instead of feeling and validating our true feelings we "should" chill out - calm down until we're not angry and reexamine how we feel in less emotional day. I don't advocate violence, but anger the way children do - feel it, express it and perhaps, let it go.
3
DrF,
You are correct. Anger is typically a symptom of something else, and best controlled. It may expresses as rage, which is difficult to interpret without psychoanalysis. It is also a very volitale emotion, which, in my experience, takes age and wisdom to learn, understand, harness and tame.
Women are taught at a young age to hide not just their anger, but their intelligence in order to be appealing to the opposite sex. This is Cultural Anthropology 101 in my book. But all anthropology is in constant evolution, and so, there is always hope down the road that the underlying societal/cultural forces that confine women from being who they are will change in the right direction. Unfortunately, culture evolution not unlike physical evolution takes a very long time.
14
I am almost sixty. I wasn't taught that. It would be nice if today's generation of women would accept personal responsibility. If you mean "no", say it and follow through. If you are angry, express your anger. If you are smart, use that intelligence proudly. What is up with all these wishy-washy females who seem to want to blame everything and everybody rather than accept personal responsibility? Grow up. You have one life on this earth, use it wisely.
5
You’re referring not to a gender issue but a generational one. Millennials are just like that sadly, males and females alike. What they don’t suffer from is the kind of boot-grinding the male patriarchy of my fathers and grandfathers days. These are happily reaching the end of the road as their days are numbered!
Sometimes a piece manages to peer into your own soul as if you could've written it yourself. (Of course I would be honored to be such a skillful writer)
14
"No woman’s anger is an island."
So true. Thanks for this thought-provoking essay. I have often been called a grumpy girl or even more irritatingly a negative nelly. But I actually embrace both of these sexist slurs because I believe anger and negativity can be powerful forces to right wrongs and move society forward.
"Anger is an energy"' -- Rise (John Lyndon)
23
Oops — obviously intended to type “Lydon” not “Lyndon”
The degree of anger one feels--and displays-- has no bearing on the validity of one's argument.
49
Good God.
2
True. It usually proves that the argument is not a valid one!
2
But certainly indicates the level of harm inflicted (Newton’s law of motion)
I have always suspected that the reason women are more prone to depression than men is not, as pseudo-science would have you believe, because we are more hormonal or more emotional. Rather, I think there is no socially acceptable way for women to express our anger at our subjugated position in society. Constantly coping with male aggression and condescension, not to mention outright harassment, would make anyone angry. Like the increased prevalence of high blood pressure in the black community, thought to be caused in part by the stress of living in a racist society, increased depression in women may very well be the result of living in a misogynist society.
358
I think of anger as our response to injustice. Often, when somebody does something bad (and unjust) to me, my first reaction is fear and "what did I do?" Anger comes later with the recognition that I didn't do anything to deserve it.
If we use anger constructively to pursue justice, it's a good thing. If we use it destructively to lash out at innocent people (or ourselves, like your cutting example) it's a bad thing.
31
This is worth reading, everyone.
I'm gonna guess the distress men feel if a female "abandons" them with anger is what drives this oppression of our feelings. We are the barometers of their success, and our distress means their failure. Do not some men destroy their entire family if they fail them emotionally or financially? Are we all just trying to avoid that very meltdown?
11
If anger fuels action, which it apparently is, then it's good. For those who feel the anger, or felt the anger, repressed the anger or simply ignored the anger while it ate away at your insides, you should feel vindicated and validated. Change takes time.
7
This is a good essay, but it inadvertently points out how our current "multiculturalism" and "intersectionality" are not feminism's friends: Because so many educated young white women are obsessing about their "white privilege," they are ashamed to be angry, as shown by the Nicaragua episode here. They believe only persons of color have a right to be angry. The author inadvertently shows that she maintains this internalized message, as she mocks Gretchen Carlson and portrays her as a perpetrator rather than as a victim. Meanwhile, white men continue to not feel guilty about anything.
61
“Meanwhile, white men continue to not feel guilty about anything.“
Maybe in NYC. Out in the real world, this broad generalization needs to be called out. Try hanging out with different white men.
3
Anne,
You should be ashamed of your racist and sexist condemnation of "white men". Such broad generalizations are never correct.
Perhaps you should apologize.
3
Good point, Anne, and well expressed.
Petty lack of perspective, Alberto. Sure, lots of white men feel guilty about the vast privilege they enjoy because of their social classification as white and male. Sure, generalizations are never correct. Exceptions always exist.
But the exception of white men (and we should add straight, cisgendered and allosexual to the list) who feel genuine guilt is infinitesimally small and, especially now while Trump remains president and the Republicans control Congress, culturally insignificant.
Why don't you get back to us after Trump expresses sincere guilt for colluding with the Russians to steal the election, or for trying to obstruct justice by firing James Comey, or for bragging about committing sexual assault. After Sessions expresses guilt over lying multiple times during his senate confirmation hearings. After Harvey Weinstein expresses guilt for raping and groping women, and making submitting to a sexual relationship with him a condition of success as an actor. And so on, and so on, stretching all the way to the vanishing point.
4
Ms. Jamison’s confessional reads earnestness, honesty, self-progress, if somewhat self-absorbed and sexist.
One reward of age, for both men and women, is the knowledge no one really cares as much about us as we think they do. It’s liberating.
13
Why is it sexist? It's not about men directly, it's about how women deal with anger. How is that in itself sexist?
3
Brilliant :)
1
Deb, not sure how stereotyping "how women deal with anger" wouldn't be considered sexist.
Because the women in my life all deal with anger differently, I wouldn't think of assigning traits to them based on gender.
3
Whoa. This is me. I have long considered myself "anger disabled"--which means that I either get sad or act out.
2
There is a big difference between being angry and being abusive. The existence of abusive, almost always emotional, woman is ignored in the US. There are a huge number of them and this stain on our social fabric is basically ignored because it's not politically correct.
9
Please back this up with your staggering statistics of how men are more abused by women than women (and children) are abused by men.
This is an example of how abusers and their allies turn the victim/abuser status on its head, claiming that the victims are the abusers, and the abusers the victims.
The #MeToo movement has highlighted the fact that millions of men in positions of power, in walks of life ranging from Hollywood producer to coach to senator to journalist to host of a long-running public radio show, have subjected millions of women to rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment. The problem is so widespread as to have been routine.
And yet Mark wants to focus on the "problem" of abusive women, claiming that there are a "huge number" of them that creates a "stain on our social fabric."
It's millennia of epidemic levels of male-on-female sexual violence and exploitation in the workplace that's created a the biggest stain by far on our social fabric. A stain extending to the four corners, which is perhaps why Mark has such trouble seeing it.
2
Yes, anger can be a catalyst for good. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.) proved that, I think.
But anger can be used to control and destroy another person, and we women are usually the victims when that plays out within the household.
I wish the author had spent more time helping us find that line between helpful, energizing anger, and the unhelpful, destroying kind.
41
Are you really certain that "women are usually the victims ... within the household"? Women are more likely than men to be injured if they pick fights with men who happen to bigger or stronger, it's true, but it's not true that women are either naturally predisposed or culturally conditioned to be silent victims (or that men are either naturally predisposed or culturally conditioned to be brutal oppressors). Both men and women initiate domestic violence. There's a huge difference, at any rate, between any cultural or ideological assumptions and reality.
1
I don't think either men or women should ever be angry. There are peoples - cultures - on this planet where anger is practically unknown, or deemed a sign of mental disturbance. Getting angry is a cultural sickness. Nothing more.
4
Your use of anecdotal and unnamed "cultures" is a fallacy (and unhelpful). I have travelled around the entire globe twice and never encountered a culture in which men don't display anger. Please reconsider your agenda in making this point.
4
No!
A male relative-in-law SEXUALLY ASSAULTING me when I was six years old is a CULTURAL SICKNESS; my ANGER (that he did what he wanted to me without a care for my resultant physical and mental suffering) is an APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
3
Really, Dick? What if I told you what you should or should not do? And then had the gall to tell you it is because you show signs of mental disturbance. May I suggest that you consider showing kindness and empathy when there are things you don't understand?
4
Interesting article to ready, especially this week, where I have had several 'confrontations' with men where I have felt disrespected and undermined professionally or asked to aside in favor of male entitlement. And I wonder, would I treated by these men in the same way if I was a man? Would my experience be different? Would I be angry? Is it my perception of men's sense entitlement or is it really a sense of entitlement men have? And, how do I be assertive, stand-up for myself, not feel the instinct to step aside because women are raised to accommodate, without the rage?
43
Anger is a natural response to injustice. Whether and how you express it may have nothing to do with the questions you pose about your perception of men's sense of entitlement versus the reality of it.
I believe that the best approach is to be clear, logical, and direct. Assert that you, and all your colleagues, are entitled to respect and civility. Tell them how their behavior made you feel and why. And ask that they don't do it again.
I hope your situation improves. Disrupting the trend of unprofessional behavior should help. All the best to you.
4
In some cases, it could be your perception of what men feel. You're not a man, and you don't know how men experience the world. I've worked for several women--I was a librarian for many years--and found some of them as abusive as stereotypical men. My bosses counted on my refusal to fight back not only because they had the administrative authority to fire me but also because they had the cultural authority to manipulate me through shame: fighting back against a woman would indicate that I was "threatened" by women and therefore less of a man than those who could "take it like a man" (that is, without complaining). Yes, this "patriarchal" society conditioned me precisely to never be aggressive toward women. Moreover, it conditioned me, unsuccessfully, to BE aggressive toward other men. Harvey Weinstein had a reputation for sexually harassing women but ALSO a reputation for verbally and even physically harassing men.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, or just me, but angry women (and some angry men) have been consistently around my whole life. Seems like any guy with sisters, a mom (or stepmom) or a wife knows all about female rage. I've always thought it an admirable, if scary, trait. Not sure where the author hangs out but not in my neighborhood.
16
The paradox of anger is that we feel more powerful when we control it than when we lose control and express it. By learning to express it appropriately, honestly and accurately ( not did placed), we feel empowered, heard, human and righteous.
7
This is so important to unpack. Women of color especially are labeled "angry" if we are assertive or even unsmiling. The Latina with a temper becomes a caricature and it took me a while to express the anger in healthier ways, sometimes just verbally stating it rather emoting it. Anger is a powerful emotion that lets us know someone has violated our boundaries; this is important information.
Too many women refuse to own their anger and spend entire lives lapsing into depression.
19
I had a male boss once tell me, when I was upset about a real issue and was strongly advocating for my position, "I can't handle angry women. They remind me of my mother", which of course put an instant stop to my speaking. At that moment, I actually felt ashamed, like I had done something wrong. This guy is one of the top people in his field, and is thought of as a leader. Because of episodes like this, I started looking for another job and eventually left. This sort of stuff is pervasive against women, and unfortunately, I adopted it internally myself for most of my life. No more.
218
A boss who "can't handle" an angry employee is unqualified for the job.
5
I once read that a woman seeking spiritual wisdom went to a guru, and confessed her great anger. The guru advised her that her anger was okay, and that she should use it as the manure to feed her garden.
I am an angry black woman. I own it, not the stereotype, but the facticity of my rage. I've been angry all my life. I was afraid of myself, with the magnitude of my rage. It took a good therapist to point out that my anger was a sign of needs unmet, and that I could use my words to express my needs and thus alleviate the need for anger. Now whenever anger rises up, I look at it as a tool, as a sign, to pay attention to what my needs are so that I can take care of myself. I'm way less angry now, as at the age of 47 I have words to use and less fear of using them, but my rage remains a shining thing inside me, ready to be called if necessary, to defend myself and others. My inner warrior princess.
I applaud Uma Thurman's measured response on the red carpet -- not as a suppression of her anger, but as an understanding that while she had a right to be angry, it was highly unlikely that she would say anything constructive or articulate in the heat of that anger. Better to work with and understand that anger in order to approach the situation with calm and focus.
338
I suspect that women who are bullied -- and they are legion -- express their rage not to the bully but to someone who actually cares. Oftentimes that is the husband, boyfriend or mate who has done no wrong. Eventually, he gets tired of hearing the litany of complaint and leaves. That adds to the grievance and sense of powerlessness. The generalized sense of victimhood is assuaged by being globalized and shared with fellow sufferers. But, as most veterans of life know, the world is indifferent to our complaints and will never really change. Finding a "solution" to this problem has troubled philosophers and scholars for millennia. Some social models that appear to ameliorate our tendency toward social conflict, hate, greed, lust and competition include the Amish, who are constantly vigilant against pride, ostentation, grandiosity and competition. As I understand it, they also treat women with respect and seek to protect them from the predators who run our "real" world.
4
Even though Uma Thurman's comments of wanting to talk on the subject when she felt "less angry" had a negative affect - and I agree with the writer that it did - I still relate to Uma. When I'm livid angry, I can't get my words out. I'm too in my emotional brain and want to spew explicatives and can't make coherent, understandable arguments, but later, you bet I can.
5
Great article, thank you! I recognize so many conflicting thoughts and feelings that I too have experienced and your excellent article gives me a new perspective on them that rings true.
4
This is hands down one of the most illuminating, important, and dangerous pieces I’ve ever read. Not just in the Times. Ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Leslie Jamison.
6
"Don't be ugly" (i.e., don't get angry) is something that was instilled in me from an early age. Suppressing it meant putting everyone else's needs and wishes before my own. Sure, I used to be physically present at family gatherings, but I was also miserable. I tolerated a lot of bad behavior from others, which tanked my self esteem and exacerbated my anxiety and depression.
The older I get, the more I realize that anger serves a purpose sometimes. It helped me cut ties with my abusive dad. It made me realize that preserving the illusion of family isn't worth the panic attacks. Shame and guilt never pushed me to say "that's enough."
116
Yours is a most excellent Success Story!
Here-here! That is so many of us, no?
There is a place for anger, in drawing boundaries and calling out what is wrong. The difficult lesson is to learn how to express anger in a way that can be heard, without simply escalating and fueling more anger. We are social beings, and our anger plays out in a communal theater. When I was young, I was physical in expressing anger (and gloriously slapped a mean girl once). Perhaps I was an oddity as a girl who acted out in that way. By the time I was in the professional world, I had honed the craft of delivering the message of my anger without showing my anger. But I never deny that I am angry. Anger is essential to our lives.
7
This piece is a valuable contribution to the discussion we need to be having. It immediately raises two questions that I believe need further exploration:
1) We need to look not only at the right to BE angry, which should not be restricted by gender, but the acceptable ways to EXPRESS anger, which should also be equal. In the drive for equality, do women want permission to behave like men, even when men behave badly, or do we want to raise the standards of behavior all around?
2) We need to look at our gendered approach to children's emotions. Do we put our girls at a disadvantage or our boys at a disadvantage when we enforce compassion and sensitivity on the former and aggression and competitiveness on the latter? Perhaps we are harming all of them.
67
We are seeing the maturation of feminism. Yes, we need to raise the standards of anger. Are we angry with the person, or the system? do we need to make our anger personal? Yes, sometimes it is personal, and sometimes it is the system. We need different approaches to each. And yes, we need to allow men to be sad and women to be angry when warranted.
Anger in the cause of social justice is always acceptable. We need only agree on what social justice is. And, as the MeToo movement has proved, women are angry for social justice. We have a right to this anger.
Jeanne Leblanc, thanks for making the distinction between BEING (i.e. 'feeling') angry and EXPRESSING anger. Choosing how to express anger effectively is vital!
1
@Jeanne Leblanc THANK YOU for writing "discussion" and not "conversation."
Yes but still need to be careful with anger and not glorify it too much. Anger is extremely hard to live with for family members who witness it, especially children, even if the anger is justified. Kids can internalize maternal anger quite negatively, no matter its origin. Also anger gets passed on generationally, and can become twisted and magnified in some children. For example, the Boston bomber who grew up absorbing familial gripes and dissatisfactions about the host country. This is an extreme example, but all I’m saying is be careful with anger around kids.
8
It's no better for children to see adults who are scared of their own feelings live in a constant state of repression, resentment, and self loathing. Kids use us adults as models. If the model we present is that our own natural feelings are so terrifying they must be locked away in a closet they'll think that's normal. And that's how you wind up with twisted individuals who, instead of dealing with their feelings in a real way, have huge blow ups and act out in extremely destructive ways. I seriously doubt the folks who participate in shootings and bombings were taught that their anger was something they could give voice to in their normal lives. Instead, they were taught they we bad people for having feelings and left them bottled up until it warped them.
3
Perhaps it's a difference in cultures? The women in my family have no problem getting angry and letting everyone know. Of course, the women in my family have always worked too and also our immediate friends, etc. We're not upper middle-class (well, some of us are now) and I never got any pressure to conform to society's wishes because it was felt that society was not for us. The only pressure I ever received from my parents about college (which I had to put myself through) was to major in something practical like medicine or engineering and not art. Anger can be good, but too much anger is not. Sometimes it's something to be teased out in therapy, I think.
3
Thank you for your writing and your making connections for me to women in recent history.
I especially thank you for teaching. We educators are in a place of great honor and great responsibility to empower and protect our students. This is the work that will guide the next generations of women to take control of their own lives and to lead our society forward.
If, when one feels the rush of anger building, one fails to take an emotional step back and ask oneself why they are getting angry and further search for ways to change the cause(s), anger is wasted passion against whatever injustice or moral/ethical dissonance that perpetrated the rush. Channeling the passion toward a solution, which inevitably requires the aid of others, in a calm, cogent way, is a critical step. If this step is missed, no effective support will be recruited. The injustice will not be remedied.
After anyone, man or woman, has made their palm bleed by digging fingernails or screamed themselves hoarse into a pillow, both of which show awareness of the need for restraint, identify the source, shine a light on the injustice and do something about it. Otherwise anger, both male and female, is wasted passion.
6
What a beautiful piece of writing about something we all need to learn to harness and incorporate into our lives, lest we be consumed by it. Our rage.
2
A good feminist these days can't label herself as such without allowing herself to express a little anger. I guess this is the gist of the essay.
Anger is a cry for your own justice, to at least not take things lying down, when you feel you are wronged. But does it work, not usually.
I am lucky to have a husband where everything is reasoned. It's so easy to simply reason with each other. Not so easy with my family, people who put you at their mercy, and there is no reasoning with them. So they win.
Here in the low-income urban neighborhood I live, people take their domestic disputes out into the street. All the time. Entertaining as it is disturbing, as I lay in bed listening, I wonder how the suburbs are so silent.
1
The homes in the suburbs are better insulated and farther apart. that's all. And if people have more resources, sometimes they simply avoid being with one another.
Are you going to be angry at those who've had nothing to do with your transgression? Blanket anger? That's stupid and not helpful to anybody.
30
If you mean it's pointless to be angry at people who have not transgressed against one's self, a person might agree. However, you state "your transgression" indicating one should not be angry at other people because a person has harmed one's self--a circumstance in which it is also pointless to blame others. In fact, many people use anger to control others (innocent others as well as those who are not innocent) as the author stated, anger can be used as a tool to try to assert power over others.
However, the larger point the author makes is that anger is an emotion that is gendered male and women typically are negatively socially sanctioned if they display anger, no matter how righteous their anger may be. Thus, anger is no mere emotion, but a tool men are allowed to use to to assert and maintain structural power--power explicitly designed to keep women "in their place." To clearly see how this harms women all one needs to examine are the rates at which women suffer from depression, a psychological condition often defined as "anger turned inward."
Alas, gender inequality isn't just about how ubiquitous sexual harassment and assault are, or about pay inequity, it also causes women to unconsciously self harm because most women have internalized to some degree the misogynistic dominant gender norms that compel women to be that which men have defined as appropriate--passive, smiling, and non-problematic "helpmates" who are not allowed to be subjects on their own.
3
Of course, the author suggested nothing of the kind. If you are so ready to blame her for something that she didn't do then maybe you are more deserving of someone's anger than you realize. Speaking as a man, I can say that I get angry, too, and this sort of comment makes me angry.
6
Your overreaction is angry in and of itself. Maybe you need to step back, and re-think. No one is saying all or nothing here. Allow women to be angry when the occasion(s) call for it. We deal with subliminal anger from men all the time. Case in point, your comment. Unecessarily dismissive as well.
7
When I was a suicide counselor, I recalled a phrase “suicide is anger turned inward” when working on my undergraduate degree. At the time, I merely took copious notes while cognitively listening to the lecture. I was not “feeling” that phrase, just hearing it. And then things in college began to unravel, gradually at first, and then to the point where I felt so overwhelmed I attempted suicide. I would have been successful if it weren’t for a friend who literally saved me in time.
While in counseling, that phrase, “suicide is anger turned inward” finally hit home. I understood. I was suppressing, denying, and misleading my own feelings of anger. I learned that it really is okay and healthy to get angry, to get mad. But I also realized that I needed to learn how to productively and positively channel that anger outward, rather than inward, so I would not have a recurrence of a suicidal act. I also had to learn how to verbally express my anger which did not frighten people.
Recognizing the why and the how constant and potentially dangerous anger occurs and continues to build is an important first step. A real key (at least in my case) was figuring out a way to defuse that “white hot” anger and transform that energy into something helpful, constructive, and healthy. Verbalizing important issues that were causing me anger helped and reduced the degree of anger I felt. Sometimes just talking (vs. always screaming) can be effective, helpful and beneficial.
91
I, too, over the years, have turned my anger into sadness, afraid to express it in its full blown fury. But it keeps coming up. Harness it! Use it! This is the energy that you need to become the authentic person that you are!
It's a wild ride, but I'm not hiding from it anymore.
26
I found this to be a very insightful and thoughtful piece of writing. I agree with commenters who mention anger manifests itself differently base on cultural norms. My own anecdotal experience is that there are very few people, men or women, who are able to express anger in a healthy way, meaning not destructive to oneself or others. I gues this healthy expression of anger is considered being assertive, an elusive concept at best. I grew up in a family that repressed anger, my mother expressed it through passive aggression and my father was a depressed alcoholic. My husband allows his anger to bottle up until he explodes and cannot censor his emotions and language to avoid hurting the people he loves. I model after my parents and internalize my anger. Most people I’ve met fall somewhere on this spectrum with women overwhelmingly repressing anger. I am working on being more assertive and it is not easy.
14
I worked at a human service agency for 14 years as the director of an advocacy program for older adults in nursing and rest homes. I was bullied by three different men who worked at the agency at various times. Each time, the verbally violent men were exonerated and not expected to apologize despite confirmation of their threats. I, on the other hand, a confident and capable woman, was expected to apologize for others' behaviors. It was perverse.
Audre Lorde was spot-on about anger re- misogyny and racism. When she took radical feminist icon Mary Daly to task for sidelining women of color, that same white feminist was horrible to Lorde. There was no humility and therefore no room to grow. When we receive anger based on systemic oppression of any kind, we need to listen and not personalize.
These days, men need to take a step back to understand why women are so angry about sexism and misogyny. As men listen, women will respect it. In general, where the capacity for empathy exists, growth occurs. Anger, if channeled productively, is hugely effective. MLK, Fannie Lou Hamer, Rosa Parks et. al. were angry indeed. Look at what was accomplished.
78
You're exactly right and something that has been missing from some of the commenters here (male). It's about listening and not personalizing.
1
Yes, and empathy is something that we all need to cultivate with more diligence, both men AND women. I'm seventy years old, and nothing in my experience of life on this planet--as distinct from what cultural stereotypes insist on--indicates to me that women are better at empathy than men arr. Anger, too, is something that both men and women feel, and neither men nor women are particularly good at expressing anger in helpful ways, whether directly or manipulatively.
1
I’m in my late 60’s. When I was in middle school, a boy referred to me as “the girl who is always mad”. I remember the moment so clearly, and I do believe he was right. I do remember being often angry but I also knew I had no way to figure out how to express it. Anger wasn’t productive and it was stifled.
The thing is that all my anger was channeled inward - as depression and anxiety. What a gift it would have been to know how to express my anger rather than suppressing- indeed killing - the feelings.
Growing through my 30’s and 40’s was difficult, to say the least. Alcohol deadened my inner pain but wasn’t something that enriched my life. I got sober at 49 and finally was forced to confront myself and my anger.
I remember speaking up to a man at my office about 4 years ago whose attitude toward me was one of “just hush because I am a man and I am in charge.” I didn’t hush. I spoke clearly and directly to him. I felt awesome afterwards and he never spoke down to me again. It’s a start.
142
@Janelle Meehan: Thank you for your comment, and congratulations on your movement toward freer self-expression.
One statement that stands out to me is: "I didn’t hush. I spoke clearly and directly to him." The more clearly and directly anger can be expressed -- without the emotive and physical display that we might indulge in privately -- the more effectively it can be used as a tool for understanding, justice, and empowerment. Histrionics do not aid communication, and in fact can discredit the feelings of the individual in the eyes of the observer. This is true regardless of gender. I believe that Uma Thurman's restraint in that key moment was an indication that she was waiting until the heat of her emotions subsided sufficiently that she could express her feelings clearly and directly in a public forum -- thereby giving them even greater force. How we unburden ourselves in private and with loved ones is another matter.
3
I was labeled that way, too: "The Girl that was Always Angry". In retrospect, it was the only defense as a child I could figure out to keep the predators at bay. That a child has to work to survive this way, is no picnic and shapes a life.
3
I once worked on a TV show that was extremely high pressure and stressful. In this pressure cooker situation the men would get angry and the women would cry. It was such a clear delineation of how men and women were socially allowed to vent their feelings.
9
And also how men are expected to vent their feelings. Anger is acceptable for men, but sadness and being overwhelmed not so much.
How about we move toward a day when it's acceptable for everyone to experience a complex range of emotions.
8
“Sloth, apathy, and despair are the enemy. Anger is not. Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have been betrayed. It will always tell us when we've betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us that it's time to act in our own self-interest.”--Julia Cameron
74
Some things I've learned along the way.
You can't help what emotions arise in your consciousness, they simply arise: love, hate, compassion, anger, patience, impatience, calm, anxiety, joy, sorrow and so forth. And sometimes some form of therapy regarding our feelings may be necessary, or at least telling someone you trust what you are feeling.
In any case what you can do is feel them (not deny or try to forcefully suppress your feelings, especially the negative ones) and also witness what you are feeling, you can do both simultaneously with practice. Such a process can be healing.
Whatever arises, but especially if it's hate, anger or rage...you can feel what you are feeling but you don't have to act in the moment on such feelings, harming self or others. You can just witness your feelings until they dissipate a bit & a measure of control returns.
For me, being angry and dwelling on it, continually reliving experiences that caused anger thus renewing the anger, is not at all a good thing. For me, it's like swallowing poison and hoping someone else dies. At some point you have to learn to let it go, and perhaps forgive someone, including yourself.
We're all often complicit to some degree in whatever befalls us. Forgiveness is the ultimate antidote to almost all negative feelings. And it's very hard to forgive another when we've been egregiously wronged. But continuously swallowing and re-swallowing the poison of anger if far worse. It slowly and inevitably kills us.
20
Jean Rhys has always been one of my favorite writers. As a "good girl" from the Deep South, I always identified with her.
BANKED
["Furrow" by Anne Weitzer]
She had been faithful to no one for six years.
Then she met the man who matched her
Brain and body.
All was well until she offered her greatest gift,
Fidelity.
He did not reciprocate.
Needed time to contemplate.
Three weeks, three months, six…
Time enough for lover’s tricks.
Love reduced to an installment plan.
She felt she was an organ donor.
Preferred that to perennial loner.
Her heart was proffered but removed, to a
Jar of something crude.
He wanted the beats, but the connections were questionable.
Always another available soon—fresher, younger, more malleable.
Too much love smashing, supplies abundant organs. Always for him, the
Bank is full.
8
I think that most women DO experience anger, but reject the explosive, potentially violent expression of anger - the quick temper that produces thoughtless action. But rather than accepting and burying our anger, we are learning to think out our responses to situations that produce anger, we are learning to do something about it, take action, change things. Getting physical, or entering into a shouting match rarely accomplish anything. Learning how to channel anger into persistent action that can gain the desired goal is more effective. But sometimes, a good run or a session with a punching bag can burn off that initial explosion of anger/energy until clear thinking can supply a plan of action. Less time smoldering is good for our bodies.
8
I grew up in a very Catholic household and being ‘angry’ was almost considered sinful by the teachings of our local church.
After a few years I noticed that if you were female, then anger became ESPECIALLY SINFUL – that it was not allowed for us, in the same way it was allowed for men.
And since it is unnatural to suppress natural emotions/reactions, guilt would come in as an easy and convenient substitute – sponsored by the Roman Catholic Church.
Today I realize that this suppression of female anger is very well aligned with the concept of ‘Modesty’ in several religious: it is the religious excuse for the oppression of women.
While I am not condoning anger, an emotion akin to drinking poison – I think it is crucial to allow it, to recognize it, and not to suppress it. It is best to experience, acknowledge it, try to solve it and let it go.
Let us be clear in giving a resounding ‘NO’ to a society that tells women what she should and shouldn’t feel.
55
I know many angry Catholic women and they are not angry at Catholicism. I am not saying that your observation is wrong, but as another commenter pointed out, it’s not catholic, little c, as in universal.
Having experienced explosive, seething rage by nuns in Cathoilic school, I find this comment to be a real head-scratcher!
Not Italian or Spanish Catholics! You should have heard the downright nasty insults my grandmother would hurl at my grandfathe. We were all afraid of her and her temper. As a matter of fact, the angry woman of the house is a given in Mediterranean culture.
2
I grew up in a very Catholic household and being ‘angry’ was almost considered sinful by the teachings of our local church.
After a few years I noticed that if you were female, then anger became ESPECIALLY SINFUL – that it was not allowed for us, in the same way it was allowed for men.
And since it is unnatural to suppress natural emotions/reactions, guilt would come in as an easy and convenient substitute – sponsored by the Roman Catholic church.
Today I realize that this suppression of female anger is very well aligned with the concept of ‘Modesty’ in several religious: it is the religious excuse for the oppression of women.
While I am not condoning anger, an emotion akin to drinking poison – I think it is crucial to allow it, to recognize it, and not to suppress it. It is best to experience, acknowledge it, try to solve it and let it go.
Let us be clear in giving a resounding ‘NO’ to a society that tells women what she should and shouldn’t feel.
3
Every line of this eloquent, honest piece of writing resonates with me, as I am sure it does with most, if not all, women.Repression of my unpalatable rage was duly reinforced by the fact that I was not only female, but a woman raised in the southern U.S. Exxageration of the dainty, genteel archetype was tenfold, worn almost as a badge of honor. Anger? Trashy. Restraint? Classy. I behaved.
Raised in a family who discouraged expression of all strong emotions, my mother was worried about my (in hindsight, HER) "reputation." In our small town, everyone knew everyone & gossip was pervasive.I recall the words "nobody wants to hear about your problems" actually come out of her mouth. Translation: honesty about your feelings is socially unacceptable.
Eventually censored feelings became Major Depression, Panic Disorder, & decades of deep despair. Like the author, I related to maudlin figures-more in art than literature. I visited museums & felt at home among the portraits of sad women from centuries back to the present. Their sadness was both mysterious & understandable. I bought art for my home & surrounded myself with similar figures. They got it.
By the time I was 40, I had had enough. A mix of hormones & a lifetime of energy spent keeping the lid on my rage simply boiled over. I admit it, expression of it felt AMAZING. But I was still ashamed after any display of rage. Since then, I've learned to channel it, but uncaging it was the liberating, essential first step.
42
I believe that the reason Uma Thurman's clip went viral was not because she was suppressing anger, on the contrary, she was angry enough but chose her words carefully. This is different from what we are seeing every day on Twitter with women becoming that thing we hate the most: Trolls. Responding viscerally and quickly. Right now the angrier women become, the easier it is to dismiss us. The quicker our responses, the faster they get drowned. I for once, am starting to listen to older women (Atwood) even if their opinions sound like nails on a blackboard at first. They have the experience of having to think and marinate their thoughts for a long time before publishing, unlike today's landscape where one thing happens and the next day there are a thousand personal essays all with the same goal, to widen the divide of us vs. them in every category, between men and women, between millennials and older women, between conservatives and liberals. I was amazed by Uma's powerful choice of words, her diplomacy, her presence. She said it all in very few words. Not in 3000.
96
So very good of you to start to listen to older women.
2
THANK YOU! I'm an older woman! The Millennials are snapping at our heels...
https://grayinlosangeles.blogspot.com/2018/01/timesup-for-shaming-blamin...
1
Two things: First, the older feminists pushed forward during their time with their constraints to move the needle. Kudos to them. They know they didn’t get all the way there but thankfully RBG is on the Supreme Court and we have plenty of intellectualism from the movement. Second, younger feminists are now pushing forward but with the yoke of both past and present constraints; their feminist mothers/grandmothers have lots of “advice” based on how things “used to be” because they’ve”know better” and their fathers/grandfathers are largely the source of patriarchal rancor.
Let the current generation define how things are now (they’ve lived it after all) and let them push far further than their mothers did, with actions both joyful and angry and all without shame, second-guessing and modesty. The patriarchy is very old and on its last legs. They are dropping like flies and will be swept away by us in the next decade.
1
A fine argument for the benefits of women giving themselves full authority to own their anger. Burying/repressing it lets it ferment and damage our inner organs - maybe in blood pressure or depression, or self sabotage of other varieties.
Once a boss dressed me down - his own anger out of control - because the message I had to deliver was distressing. Being generally over-controlled, It was the only time at work that I ever dissolved into tears -out of his view - but it WAS because I was furious -I didn't want sympathy, I needed to be heard.
For a Tonya Harding, anger was the tool that set boundaries, allowing a separate psychic existence, as a child, and as an adult, to separate from the intrusive mother and controlling spouse. If it is the dominant - or the only - strong emotion - it's inadequate. But it is a tool all human beings inherited - and it does have to do with survival - so we need to pay attention to how to apply it in modern society.
I could use a little more of Michelle Obama: she scared quite a few men, because she was clear when she disapproved of something. She didn't attack, but her honesty about issues that upset her terrified a lot of people.
Women often fear of rejection by a lover, husband, family or employer, and bury anger so that they can PASS as cooperative, gentle, and giving, with a smiling face. Passing is a helpful concept stolen from black experience: deny your true self to be acceptable. It is corrosive because festering anger destroys
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Great insight, cheryl! We "pass"for civilized (non-confrontational) while it is the processing of conflict that civilizes us!!
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Can't say I found much resonance in this long, winding, dilatory, sticky-paper technique of an essay, in which many things (the author's self-analysis, a movie) get hoovered up in service of giving herself permission to have (or feel) a blazing apotheosis. A lot of excess effort there! A lot of simple confessionals about bewing unaware of one's own motives and inner processes. But applying that personal "birthing" to how a sector of society should act, not a good thing.
What she says was "rage" sounds more like "repressed rage" - and truly there is a huge difference. Repressed rage is false, inauthentic, usually passive-aggressive if it gets let out, usually cathecting lots of unrelated things into its centrifugal (self-serving) pull -- instead of straightforwardly dealing with whatever the issue is. Sort of like this essay.
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Well said. The angry women I've known simply wouldn't have had time for this embellishment. However, lots of people must enjoy this sort of stuff, soap operas, and overcooked tell-alls. That cat might have been reading what was on that cellphone and had a very straightforward, if non-human reaction.
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Same. Well said. Although I have to be careful since I am male.
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Or sort of like your comment, in which you speak out critically about essay on anger while avoiding the larger issue of women's anger in society. You don't have to like the essay, but I'm hopeful that a lot of women will be a lot freer with their anger in the future.
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It has long occurred to me that the emotion of anger is seen by the shadowy societal hierarchy that governs us, aka the establishment as an expedient method of social engineering. The cruel irony, and I believe deliberate mechanism employed by said establishment, is that it stokes anger and then passively aggressively berates it. For example, a colleague was unjustly accused of gross negligence that led to his heavy handed termination. In frustration, he yelled at the talking head from HR who was firing him. When he was exonerated and reinstated, he was not allowed back into the workplace until he had completed an anger management course. The establishment got its pound of flesh regardless of its own fallibility.
Anger, by the way, transcends gender. My male colleague was terminated by a female overseer who clearly enjoyed her role and associated power. Her subjectivity was mitigated by my colleagues anger, frustration, and fear, by what was being prejudicially thrust upon him. I realise that the anger this columnist refers to how rage manifests itself in esoteric ways, but we all need to realise that anger is a natural phenomenon and, rather than suppress it, the conditions by which it arises should be avoided in the first place. The more we suppress rage, the more cataclysmic the eventual manifestation. We know where racism, sexism, and injustice reside, so it is possible to defuse all at source.
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Until I stopped numbing myself with drugs and alcohol I never thought I was angry. Once I awoke the rage was infinite. Unleashed by a sense of injustice or unfairness you can understand why I am characterized as an "angry" woman. This ancestral rage is compounded by feelings of powerlessness and frustration resulting in paralysis at times. If depression is anger turned inward, as I've heard it said, then are anti-depressants, the number one prescribed medication for women, really about depression? I can only hope that our collective rage, that has been simmering for generations, becomes transformative as we attempt to de-structure the Patriarchy.
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MJ, thank you for your comment.
I’m unable to totally let go of alcohol and drugs because I’m quite sure I’m not able to keep my anger and rage to a “socially acceptable” female level.
Next time I have a drink, I’ll be doing a silent toast to you because I know I’m not alone with how I feel...and who knows...I may just end up having the strength to use my anger to say “Enough!” and have one less drink than usual.
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One gets tired of all the stories that blame outside forces, e.g., the patriarchy, for one’s behavior.
I grew up in a family of women and experienced a lot more anger than sadness, and the anger was indeed intended to wound or express displeasure.
Should “Women’s Studies” be renamed “Victim Studies?” Seriously, we’re all enmeshed in and in a sense victims of our culture, and to claim that women do not have an active role in creating that culture is just wishful thinking.
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No one here is acting like a victim, so why are you blaming them for just expressing their difficulties in expressing anger through their lives?
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A "family of women" is why you were allowed to get angry. If your household had a dominating father and mostly brothers and only one older female your mother you would have been crushed when you tried to be angry. Don't ridicule women's studies because of your own personal experience. Look around, read some more. My assumption is you must be very young.
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You don't have to be a victim if you accept responsibility for addressing whatever makes you angry.
Little girls are encouraged to hide their anger, just as little boys are encouraged to hide their tears. Neither is healthy. I think the point of the essay is that we each have to free ourselves of these past habits of mind. Of course women, like men, have had an active role in creating our culture, one which is harmful to both genders. Our mothers are at least as responsible as our fathers. They in turn were shaped by their own parents.
Once you're aware of your anger, you begin the long road to recovery.
It seems Ms. Jamison grew up in a very different world than I did. In mine, the women were at least as angry as the men, and often angrier. And this was not an illusion created by confounded expectations: it's just the way it was. Of course, some women like to *think* they're not acting angrily, but they're rarely fooling anyone but themselves. Rage will out, in one form or another.
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Recognize the honesty of your angry feelings, then take a moment to realize that in that moment, tamping down your anger may be the only thing in your power to control.
Life is too short to waste time being angry. Unless you have evidence of been genuinely wronged, anger over perceptions is a needless creation of toxic energy that accomplishes little but make you feel miserable.
Anger never resolves anything. Anger leads to rash, regrettable actions. Resolutions happen only after the anger has passed on all sides.
There is already too much anger and hostility in today’s society. What we are in short supply of is empathy.
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Oh yes, “no, I’m not angry, I’m sad”; how often have I said that during my life? Woman’s denial undoes her strength. For far too long, we have been told to stand down, to be calm, to show grace, to be feminine. As if any of these are exclusive of anger. And hence we have learned to accept the unacceptable which ultimately leads to our destruction. The ME TOO campaign has unveiled what is truly unacceptable and destructive, and is just the tip of the iceberg for all of us. Jamison craftily reveals the complex contradictions of our sad-angry emotions and who knows, perhaps one day men will tap into their own angry-sad feelings.
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It's healthy and good to feel anger, but civility-wise it's the least useful metric for decision making. It tends to interfere with one's ability to assess variables rationally.
Anger can be intoxicating, sort of like being drunk. I had this girlfriend who used to exaggerate events to the point where they could be perceived as slights (against her) in order to feel the rush of her rage.
There are lots of anger junkies around these days.
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How do you know she was exaggerating events? Were you present at them?
Great article. It took me until my 40s to come to grips that I held in a lot of anger, a lot from childhood. An angry parent that created chaos in the household left me, the youngest, trapped and suppressed, as responding only made the angry outbursts longer and more abusive. In college, in the 70s, being "cool" meant never showing emotions such as sadness or rage. You were supposed to "get over it." Emotions were for weak people. Finally I embraced who I was and what baggage came with me, doing my best to understand (with some helpful therapy) why I was who/what I was, and to forgive myself for not being what I thought I was expected to be-perfectly in control. Self awareness is very valuable-knowing your "buttons", the way you process anger (it's sometimes delayed) and to try to have a sense of humor about it instead of being ashamed. But I accept it, try my best not to lose my temper (which is really hard right now with what's going on in our country) and apologize when it's called for.
Fran Lebowitz, in a New Yorker article long ago said it perfectly (paraphrasing) "I'm not a forgiveness fan myself....I believe that holding a grudge is the moral equivalent of having standards." I took it to mean that it's OK to hold people to account, and in her inimitable style she was droll but apt. It's OK to get angry! Women need to learn how to express themselves through anger and not be ashamed or judged.
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You're a great writer. I enjoyed reading this article. I am a 60 year old black woman and what "surfaced" for me in reading this article were the words my mother would always say to me when I was angry which were "you should not feel that way". I found no support for my anger. My acknowledgement was only "you should not feel that way". I was so angry I could have "shredded the couch too." I think my mother was concerned about what happens to "black folks" when they show their anger in this predominately WHITE nation. Her instruct to me stemmed from the "Jim Crow South" experience she was raised in. He instruction to me did nothing to help me utilize the anger "bubbling up and burning inside of me" in any healthy/positive manner. My anger "turned inward" damaging me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Over the years I've learned to "harness" my anger - to funnel it in a manner that is healthy, in a manner that allows me to utilize the energy generated by my anger to get things done, to take care of myself, to make a positive difference in my life and in the lives of others. I am sure that even today my mother would tell me "you should't feel that way" however in my encounters with girls and women who express anger I've been able to be supportive, to be encouraging, to listen and validate their anger.
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Mary, you're my version of a saint: courageous and real. Thank you for doing this important work.
Yes! Men feel free to express their anger at women and children without reservation, while women are castigated by both men and women for this. Accepting women's expression of anger as a healthy is an important part of realigning our culture to be more balanced.
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"True" power is not stooping to the levels of others with undeserved power.
God help the child who's mother hates their father. And shows it.
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LOL
This is a well-written description of how I was taught and shown to feel about anger. As a parent, I have validated and encouraged the full range of human emotions. To my friends in times of sadness, I often assure them that if we accept laughter, we need to accept sadness too. Then, I compare it so many men who are emotionally unavailable and I feel this issue, acceptance of emotions, needs to become part of the public conversation. Acceptance takes many forms and I feel being accepting of the full spectrum of human emotions is another form of acceptance ourselves and others. Thank you for this article.
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Emotion Focused Therapy has been maturing for a decade now. Saved my marriage and my life. It's simplicity is obscured by our inner control freak taking blame for everyone's pain and trying to fix it! Let the people suffer, and witness it. That is all they really need from you, your heart felt acceptance of their full grown humanity.
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THANK YOU! I am quite sure that depression so often diagnosed in women (including myself) has been the result of our being trained to deny and/or control our anger, morphing it into sadness to conform with societal expectations. I am marching on Saturday because I am ANGRY about so very many things.
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Girl, my therapist has been politely knocking at this door for some time, and I am so happy I can kick it in with this article, today!
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I can't say that there are many positive associations with anger - where males are concerned, perhaps the image of the "angry young man" has more power than the female "fury of a woman scorned". I think I see two problems with unrestrained anger: loss of control, and self-absorption. One person's outburst of righteous anger is often accompanied by complete obliviousness to what they might be doing to others in the process. However, I don't think anger is bad - when harnessed, it is an emotion that can drive much-needed change, both at the individual and at the societal level. Of course it's okay to be angry. But sometimes, containing it, waiting for the right moment or avenue to express it, is more effective.
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I think people are misunderstanding about anger. No one is saying be angry and rule the world or destroy but that anger is just as important as joy or happy. No one likes all the time happy person too cause they sort of lose attunement with others. Anger is the same, know when you are angry, and do not assign your anger to sadness or feeling down or anxiety...know it, own it and release it without unleashing on others.
But anger is felt whether you want it or not. What you do with it is another thing.
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Smart! Love what you say.
What a great ,long overdue article ! Thank you Ms. Jamison!
In my 6th decade I've cried more times when I should have been angry. I thought I was being a role model of compassion and strength for my 3 boys, when in retrospect I was not teaching them to stick up for themselves or to hide their true feelings. My sons are now compassionate caring young men, and I hope the women they choose as life partners (should they choose!) communicate their feelings honestly when they feel them, and my sons are mature enough to appreciate them!
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Here's the thing. Anger ultimately harms the health and well-being of the angry person. It's like holding a burning coal (Buddha) and this realization is beyond gender.
While it is undoubtedly accurate to state that societal and cultural factors shape how men and women respond differently to anger, in the end, anger - however manifested (outwardly or inwardly) - does not benefit the angry person.
So, I applaud Uma Thurman. Her response was not a gender response but a mindfulness response (her father is a premier scholar on Buddhism).
She identified that she was angry, gave herself permission to deeply feel that anger, allowed the feeling to lessen and then she took appropriate action.
In the case of Tonya Harding (and I thought the movie was superb), Tonya lacked the skills and the environment to cultivate healthy habits of mind. I left the theater feeling profound compassion for her and shame that I had viewed her at the time of the attack as one-dimensional, failing to recognize the complexities of her life.
Of course, gender was a factor in Tonya's life but poverty and abuse were too.
Ultimately, and I say this as a feminist, it's not all about gender. With anger, there are many factors and in the end, how we identify and handle anger matters more than our fantasies about what we will do with our anger.
Humans are simply too angry. Peace is only possible with healthy habits of mind. We all benefit from a bit more "Uma" in our lives.
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Exactly. Also, I didn't realize Uma Thurman's father is that Robert Thurman.
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What "appropriate action" did she take?
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Way to hit it out of the park, Liz !
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Excellent essay. I will save and reread it for its many points of wisdom. I will also reread Lorde, who I have not read since college, 30 years ago. If anger and sadness would be allowed public expression by women and men, I would imagine we would have more well rounded people in our world.
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What a wonderful essay-there is so much here that resonates. particular taken by the excellent use of cultural and literary references. I loved Jane Eyre as a child but over time, it came to feel emotionally unsatisfying to me. Reading Rhys made me understand exactly why.
It strikes me that despite the loud proclaiming that we are an era of strong female heroines, their anger and violence is so often exercised in defense of someone else - their child, their lover, the world. Caretaker anger.
It is also interesting to me how witchhunt has been repurposed as an accusation against women - an im
This essay feels like something out of the 1970s. I thought we were way past talking about female anger. We are beyond this pyschoanalysis, we are mothers who are empowering our daughters and educating our sons, engineers who are designing machines and writing code, entrepreneurs who are starting companies. This type of navel gazing feels so regressive, if not downright repressive.
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Your ending statement about repression angers me because I feel it denies the aggression and abuse that continues to play out against so many children and adults around the world today. I feel you said this because this article and related conversations in our current culture have minimally encompassed such reasons for anger. These survivors need time to heal from such horrors. I ask that you consider this as you move forward in your life especially when those of us who have such experiences find the voice to speak out in anger that was and often continues to be denied. I would recommend reading a NY Times bestseller, “The Body Keeps The Score - Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
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Given all that has happened in the past 5 years (and been recently documented with the ubiquitous access to video filming), has it occurred to you things have not changed as much as many of us thought? Troll much?
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The author describes her own personal & ethnic & racial & cultural experience *solely* in the lens of her gender. She imagines that because she was unable to experience anger, this was only because she was a woman.
She doesn't speak for me. She doesn't speak for most of the women I know. African American women & working class women & Italian women & Jewish women & individual women get angry. We get furious. We rage. We are aware we are angry. We are not embarrassed we are angry.
The upper class white northern European culture, however---that is the culture of the pressure to not express anger. It is exhibited on men as well as women. When I am in that culture - the town I live in, for example - I feel extremely repressed, from both men & women. Any strong emotion - except, lately, fear & political anger - is viewed with suspicion.
That this author refuses to see social class, culture, etc. & somehow imagines that her experience is universal amongst women (with no data btw). In so doing, she ironically is extremely ethnocentric & classist in the core assumption that it is her own experience that is implicitly & naturally the yardstick of the universal.
No, it isn't.
Anecdote is not data. Personal feeling is not universal fact. Not all women have universal experiences because of our gender -- but not our class, race, &, oh individuality as human beings.
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Exactly! And what about Asian cultures where strong emotions are also considered unseemly, where there is pressure to have smooth non-conflictual social relations at all cost, and being smiling and polite is the ideal for all, male and female?
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Thank you D. You took the words out of my mouth. I’m not sure what world Umma was brought up in, but where I’m from everyone- especially the women - express anger often and openly. As a matter of fact in my Spanish/Italian/South American family we would make fun of the Anglos and their phony politeness and calm. I would invite Umma to partake of Sunday dinner with an Italian family if she needs to see and hear women get angry!
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I mostly agree with you--and I can see why you might be angry about the piece--but I think you're being a little hard on the author. She doesn't presume to speak for every woman (or class, or culture). She is entitled to speak for herself. She does draw on sources from other cultures to flesh out her story. What she has to say is probably helpful to a fair number of women (and apparently threatening to at least some men--so good on her for that). And there are other people who write from other perspectives. And thank you for doing so yourself.
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Fantastic article.
Uma Thurman's father is famed Buddhist scholar Robert Thurman. Uma was raised in a bubble of east coast academic privilege. I'm guessing she was also raised, like me, to think of anger as unseemly and dangerous: something that rational, educated people simply don't feel. In families where people "don't get angry," anger bubbles like a festering wound below the surface, and legitimate anger is treated as dangerously close to insanity. The privilege expressed in that rational statement: "I'm waiting to feel less angry before I speak," also suggests the pain of a woman whose family has never allowed her to express her anger.
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Livie said: "Uma Thurman's father is famed Buddhist scholar Robert Thurman. Uma was raised in a bubble of east coast academic privilege. I'm guessing she was also raised, like me, to think of anger as unseemly and dangerous..."
Since her father is a famed Buddhist scholar, she most likely was taught a Buddhist's approach to anger. Unseemly and dangerous have nothing to do with it.
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Anger is an emotional response that can be controlled effectively without stuffing it down and letting it fester. If more people learned to analyze their angry reactions before acting on them, the world would be a better place. Uma's rational, mature response to not be put on the spot for the satisfaction of the screaming mob, to allow herself to calm her mind before issuing a public statement, shows inner strength and discipline. To call this maturity a mark of "privilege" is ridiculous, suggesting it "the pain of a woman whose family has never allowed her to express her anger" even more so, and you obviously know nothing about Buddhism.
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How did Uma Thurman's statement express "privilege"? She has a right to manage her anger her own way. You are just another example of women criticizing other women!
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Anger is based on the world not living up to one's expectations. You think something SHOULD be other than what it is.
Join the club, but don't let the anger lead to paralyzing depression.
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Fantastic, timely and comprehensive essay.
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Chronic anger, chronic disappointment, chronic unhappiness with everyone in ones life and with oneself is a malady of the emotionally juvenile. It's often the demand of women who want life to go their way when often they cannot even say what that way should be. Perhaps it's a kind of neurosis born of a harried life.
Eric Hoffer once wrote:
"The feeling of being hurried is not usually the result of living a full life and having no time. It is on the contrary born of a vague fear that we are wasting our life. When we do not do the one thing we ought to do, we have no time for anything else--we are the busiest people in the world.”
Anger in men is not "strong" as the author suggests, especially when its a precursor to the bravado of violence born of some social or personal shortcoming or imposition. Male anger is the male form of the emotionally juvenile. In this day and age of showy violence some women emulate men. Most rise above it.
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So beautifully written, so thoughtful. Thank you. Trump seems to have become a catalyst for women to recon with anger, and I think the "women's march" was actually a manifestation of that rage. Walking serves as a productive way of dealing with the energy of anger. Thinking back to walking in Boston 1/21/2017 along with so many men, women and children, including some in wheeling themselves or others, I suddenly get an image in my head of the drone captured pictures of refugees walking, across Europe from Syria, in South Asia, that we see in the news. What propels them, but anger, rage? A protest march symbolizes a leaving, calls attention to a need for change, a propulsion of anger. Anger and hurt as two sides of the same coin.
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True anger is a very dangerous emotion, it should be restricted to extreme personal issues, and not really anything related to politics or to people you don't personally know. Frustration, and annoyance is perhaps a better word for the emotional state that many actions of our government makes us feel. True anger in humans many times results in violence, which we really don't want.
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Agreed. Anger is not a desirable emotion, for either men or women.
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Poignant description of the complicated entertwining of anger and sadness. As a 70 year old woman coming of age during the emergence of a new feminism in the 60's and 70s, I too used sadness as a respectable cover for anger, refusing to succumb to the stereotype of a "hysterical, out of control woman".
Expressions of anger righteously spoken can bring truth and transparency to a society. It can curb the behavior of some to feel emboldened to abuse women and then rely on their silence.
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Anger just is; it is not a synonym for aggression or violence. Recognizing your own anger and figuring out its source can lead to solutions more complex than attacking other people. I'd argue that a lot of people who attack others-verbally or physically - do that to relieve stress instead of trying to understand the reasons for their own anger.
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