I've found 2 secrets: TRUST your heartfelt intuition and be compassionate toward your SELF: Go with the flow of your authentic learning curve.
I had this experience in reverse. We moved to the US when my eldest was 2... I had never even known his percentile nor much about milestones. Here the doctors instantly freaked out. He was small ( I’m five feet tall.... no surprise there) and was behind on speech so he was swiftly diagnosed with a developmental delay and we constantly had the failure the thrive threat over our heads. He’s still small ( as am I surprise surprise) at 5 but he’s smart, thriving, and fluent in two languages with no traces of delays. I’m so grateful to have become a parent outside the US. There’s so much anxiety about everything here and I can’t imagine not having the benefit of knowing it doesn’t have to be this way. When pregnant with my second child, I was taken to speak with a counselor about the risks of drinking coffee after I confessed to my ob that I drinking a single cup a day. I just shrugged it off and stuck to my one cup a day. He’s fine. I’m fine. Everyone’s fine.
Reminds me of when I went to Nigeria and my sister inlaw set her 2 kids free to run around our other sister inlaws wedding and I was in total culture shock be cuase our sons were both 3 and I swore my so would get kidnapped r get run over by a catering truck she told me to let him be but I was so high strung that I couldn't enjoy the wedding. I laugh about it now but I almost gave myself a myocardial infarction. Im a little uptight thinking about it as we speak. lol
Great article, thank you!
Yes, it's something that's hard to prep for. You just gotta push and love through and follow your instincts. This kid is going to be ok with the Brooklyn parents and stuff.
Yawn!! So boring couldn't even finish this article. So what are you trying to tell us...Relax?? You could write it in 2 paragraph besides you don't need to go to India to learn that. Since you were born in India, you knew that you were not raised like that so ...eh. Ok article
And this is interesting how? You're describing the new parent experience. Just because you're a millennial doesn't make it life-altering for the rest of us who have been through it.
Unfortunately, the competition (among moms) has just started. All too soon they'll be comparing notes on whose child rocked the gifted-and-talented test (taken at age 3), which child won the science fair (or, more precisely, which parent won the fair, since the parent did the project), which child earned a patent before high school, which child won the national young artists concerto award, or danced the Nutcracker, or broke the pole vault record... enough. you get the idea. It's hard NOT to join the competition -- but very worthwhile.
Interesting reading about parenting differences between Mumbai and Brooklyn broken down into not enough fancy cribs or designer baby food in India. Here is another difference that perhaps the writer, whose parents are well known economists who work on poverty in India, might have pointed out. Maternal mortality - about 8 times higher in India than in the U.S.
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Lucky you have an easy baby. At least that’s what it seems like
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Ms. Bau
I enjoyed reading your boob The windfall. I thought you were a keen observer of human nature and the absurdities of modern life. Surprised you bought into the madness of treating the word parent as a verb. It is not. Just chill. The good news is your baby will grow up despite your "parenting" performance.
Dear Ms. Basu,
I am a 68 year old who has a son who is 41 years old and 6 foot three inches tall. Yes, they adore awakening at 2:00 A.M. or thereabouts, when the mood suits them. Yes, they love conversation nd minding everyone else's business by interjecting conversation that you will decipher with time. As I heard from other moms with boys, breast milk is the food of choice until they are wean-ready at about 2 years old. Yes, they love listening to the human voice and being read to or spoken directly to because they want you to know they are participants in human life. BTW, open their little hand in the palm of your hand. They grow up so fast that once you have opened that little hand in yours when the little one is an adult, you will always remember how small the little dumpling was, so long ago. And yes, your grandma was right to laugh at feeding schedules, they will create their own meal times. Our baby would want to breast feed whenever we ate and whenever he felt inclined. Relax, you are a great mom because the you possess the 2 most important components to child rearing . . . love of your baby and putting your heart and soul into protecting her. Now all you need to do is to relax and enjoy the wonder with which she will explore and embrace her world. All the best, young Mommy and Daddy.
7
Remember--if you buy something coming in a big box, the kid(s) will love the box.
Also kids need to grow antibodies. That's why farms and daycares are great--they get antibodies for everything--gifts from the kids, animals and the soil.
Ponies are better than bikes or motorbikes; ponies may have more brains than their riders. And they teach lessons of patience, mutual respect and TLC----bikes don't care.
One more thing--all sports are risky--more or less; but without them and the arts and sciences, life loses its luster.
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Didn't know there was a feeding app. I thought the current trend was baby led and staying away from schedules. The first couple of months of my now 3 year old's life I did keep track in a little notebook of the time and length every feeding and diaper change. I found it soothing to write down all the little numbers, now if I look at that notebook I have no idea what any of it meant or what the point was.
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Thanks for sharing your personal experience and journey with us.
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Orientalism, banality and narcissism all in one excruciating article. Sigh. Switch off the phone, listen to your child. That's all.
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This isn't about location as much as it is about the author herself and how she reacts to change and losing control.
Having a baby is the ultimate lesson in losing control and those beginning months can be really terrifying. Some women react by researching everything thoroughly (obsessively), document, record, an analyze. Others, do not.
This author may have - slowly - reached the same place in Brooklyn as she did in Mumbai because as a mother becomes more confident, she learns to let go.
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So many of these comments state that a parent and child mostly just need love, patience, and support, and then go on to judge and belittle the author for her choices. We can all be different parents AND be good parents. The least helpful thing an anxious person often hears is “just relax!”
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Is it possible that someday you will publish articles about motherhood by women who actually have to GO TO JOBS -- real jobs -- not freelance authors or writers or creative folks who can say "I have the LUXURY of working at HOME" -- which is probably like 0.1% of all moms????
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Your article was so exhausting that I could not finish it!
What in heaven name is a feeding app????
You are as tightly wound as a rubber band around a walrus.
Your daughter is going to be fine. The person who is losing out is you. You are losing out on enjoying your child and being enthralled by her amazing life.
Most of the time I am just watching awestruck at how my 2 year is changing everyday, learning, growing and loving.
I have one phrase to describe motherhood
“ I am incandescent in love “
Let yourself fall in love. And everything will fall in place.
12
Lol, I thought Berkeley was bad when my kids were born. Insanely expensive Euro-strollers and apps! It makes the organic everything and carry-your-baby around until your discs herniate seem quaint.
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I don't have any advice about your actual parenting. On the other hand, listening to an apparently over-the-top competitive online mothers' group for advice will drive you crazy. It's your child, not theirs, so there's no reason you should pay attention to what "everybody else" is doing.
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I'm SO glad I had my children 45 and nearly 48 years ago! Other new mothers were very helpful and supportive - there was NO competition. The same was true for my two children - they own children now in their teens. When did this all start? Feeding apps? If the baby is still quite young/little, if it's been more than two hours since the baby has nursed, nurse the baby - the baby is most likely hungry. If less than 2 hours, perhaps a bit fussy.
Who care how many wet/dirty diapers the baby had in a day? Who had time for that when I had babies? I had cleaning/shopping/laundry/cooking to do! What's wrong with these people? Sounds like too much time and too much money. I pray this nonsense has passed before my grandchildren have their own children.
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I think it depends on where you are/who you know. Everyone I knew was pretty relaxed about babies, and I was pretty relaxed too (well, I have anxiety, so maybe "relaxed" isn't a great way to describe me, but still, I didn't/don't stress about things like this author is talking about). But then again, I've been working ever since I had my baby, so maybe I haven't had the time or energy to stress about a bunch of silly stuff. I'm very glad I'm not in the same social circle as this author, even if being in it would mean that I would probably be quite a bit wealthier. Thanks but no thanks!
This is the perfect age to start reading to your baby. If anyone tells you otherwise, cut that person out of your life forever. Block their phone number. Call the police if they come anywhere near you or your house. Babies begin processing language much earlier than some people think.
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...."Some nights she wakes up at 2 a.m."....maybe, she wants to tweet to her friends--or enemies?!
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When you say you feed the baby hearing the beep from the feeding app, you invite yourself for a walk in the road of paranoia. Well, there is no secret strategy for anything in this world to be mistake free, let alone parenting. You feed something to Baby and it gets diarrhea, we learn and not feed that next time and move on, thats it.
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This essay just made me feel kind of sad. Why are you using a feeding app? Why not just listen to your baby's needs? All the parenting stuff in the world won't speak to you the way your baby's cries and coos will.
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Feeding apps, seriously? Whatever happened to parental instincts? That's the most idiotic thing I have heard in a long time. Seriously you should thank your stars that u got chance to be out of Brooklyn and bring your daughter to a more sane environment..... also just don't worry about bacteria, mosquitos anything.... she might be ill a few times, but it's all good for her in long term... chill and enjoy
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Wanted to add, I am Indian (born in India although raised in the US) but I am hesitant to bring my kids to India until they are at least 18 mos for this reason.
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Bacteria are not always "good in the long term." India is notorious for being a hotbed for superbugs, or bacteria that are resistant to antibiotics. Grown men and women who have travelled to India have been killed by these superbugs, let alone newborns whose immune system is just getting started. It is estimated that 60,000 newborns in India fall victim to these superbugs every year. http://news.trust.org/item/20170228133410-s8ep7
As far as I can tell, the only hard and fast rules with babies are don't drop them, feed them, take them to the pediatrician when your supposed to, keep them more or less clean, and love them. Beyond that, opinions seem to vary.
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I was raised in India in a practically sterile environment because my Mom and elder siblings were obsessed with cleanliness and good hygiene. My husband was also raised in India, though in a town where people did their laundry in the adjacent canal, and where it never bothered anyone that cooked or uncooked food could attract all kinds of insects and creatures. Hygiene was the last thing they thought about, almost a laughable after thought. We both met in the US and our kids were born here. Needless to say, every time we took the kids to my husband’s place in India, I lost a lot of sleep over their food and hygiene. I watched in dismay as the kids played in the dirt and literally counted the hours and days when each trip would be over. After 13 years, I have accepted the fact that kids do have an immune system and don’t just collapse when exposed to unhygienic conditions. While I consider myself lucky that the kids have been doing good so far, a deadly illness can be acquired anywhere. In fact, the one lesson I learnt is that periodic exposures of this kind probably enhance the immunity of the human body, rather than diminish it. While I still wish my in-laws practiced better hygiene, I have stopped panicking about it as much as I used to.
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I think those are almost universal memories for parents - that and hitting their head on the frame of the car as you lean down to put them in their car seat.
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As a new mother of first child,little worry is natural.But don't fear too much.More than a billion people live in India.Your kid will grow in a safe and sound environment.There is no gun culture in India..
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While babies do fine all over the world....in fact, infant mortality rates are higher in the third world than in the US or Europe. Most people in India are very poor, and lack basic things like toilets and sewers -- it is still common in India for people to urinate and defecate out doors in public. Needless to say, this spreads disease.
There are lots of things that can kill an infant besides guns, and your comment shows little knowledge of the US. Outside of the worst inner city slums, gun violence against children is very rare -- probably far rarer than the chances of an individual child in India getting dysentery or malaria.
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I used to let all the well-meaning "advisors" out there get the better of me when I was a first time mother ("I certainly would have put a hat on that baby in this weather"). And believe me, Switzerland has the nastiest old ladies on the planet!
I got a lot of inspiration when our cat had kittens. No apps, no scales, no doctors, no one telling her what to do, she just fed the little ones on demand, kept them clean and warm, and gave them lots of love.
By the time I had my third baby, I learned to relax and roll with the punches. And they all (both the babies and the kittens) turned out all right!
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I came to America in the late sixties and raised two children born here, and have witnessed five grand children who were born in California and Utah. The difference in upbringing in the two states is as much Ms Basu describes in this article. There is more freedom and less worries, less obsession with things going wrong in Utah. California is just like Brooklyn; parents' incessant occupation with safety, health, apps, and universal mother-in-law Alexa.
I bet Dr. Spock is turning in his grave.
I say keep it simple,parents! Common sense and moderation,please.
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America is a difficult place to be a parent. We get little help from trusted relatives and too much help from the internet. In other cultures, it's so much easier with lots of people to chip in when you are tired. And those helpers are always more relaxed because they have so much more experience. But it's true, as James McKenna, the father of co-sleeping research once said,"evolution didn't promise you a rose garden" as a parent so expect to be tired. It comes with the baby. My only advice is to hold that baby all the time. That closeness will make you relax because you'll know intimately how the baby is doing, wiggling or sleeping or just calm and quiet. And then, suddenly it seems, they are 20-years-old and in college and you will, believe me, miss holding them all the time.
Meredith Small, author of "Our Babies, Ourselves; How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent"
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I use a feeding app - I don’t live by it, but I use it. I think it’s interesting to see how often and for how long my baby eats each day. I also use it to track her sleep, and how many dirty diapers she’s had. I mean, why not? I don’t obsess over it, but it helps me identify some trends and patterns, and it’s just plain interesting.
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Of all the stressful things about parenting, the modern-day competitiveness with other parents seems among the most difficult and also the most pervasive. Judgment seems to be everywhere, and someone is always there to tell you that you aren't doing it right or you're borderline abusive if you don't buy a certain stroller or breastfeed or use formula or buy certain diapers or don't make baby food from scratch. Granted, I'm not a parent, but if I were I would care not one whit what another parent was doing or what she thought of my parenting choices, my formula, my bassinet, or my stroller. My focus would be on what was best for my baby, not on the opinions of some snarky mom's group member or the finger-wagging herd mentality that seems to accompany much of parenting in this day and age.
My (non-parent) advice to Diksha Basu: enjoy your baby. Thrill in watching her grow, develop, and learn. Keep her safe of course - let no mosquito get near her and live to tell the tale! - but above all else, enjoy her. Take the good advice from the good-intentioned, thoughtful people and chuck the rest. Your baby won't be a baby forever. Don't let a feeding app or holier-than-thou parenting nonsense get in the way. From someone who would love to have kids but to whom fate may not grant them, my advice is this: cherish your baby and your time with your baby, trust yourself, and kick to the curb anyone and anything that gets in the way of that.
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Yep, "there is no secret to parenting" is a better ground to be on as you move through baby's years. A book on developmental stages still might come in handy. Try Piaget or Erikson.
Wish I’d read this, when I was a young mother!
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You can't re-invent the wheel. My mother would tell me, "...she won't have the pacifier when she walks down the aisle!" Trust your instincts.
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I had an analogous experience and was told "he won't walk down the aisle in diapers". (He didn't.)
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What a great article! I’m Indian and my wife is from Seattle and we live in Brooklyn !
So cool —thanks!
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Attention is the highest form of human love. No computer app can match the real instincts of an attentive loving mother. They have done studies, already while the baby is in the womb, and discovered that everything the mother feels, or doesn't feel during the pregnacy is transfered unto the child.
Babies are magical. They are born with a knowledge we can't even begin to perceive. They will tell you everything you need to know, and exactly when you need to know it, if you are paying attention fully. That is much different than worrying all the time. Babies can sense this as well. Trust yourself. And trust your baby even more. Its simply amazing what they tell you each moment without words.
I had my children very late in life, 39, and 41. They are grown now and leading thriving lives. Since this government gives parents two years, for each child, to stay at home and be covered with health care and monthy payments I had all the time in the world to pay attention through LOVE. A blessing and my greatest joy in life.
Love also means letting go, freedom to be and explore this world. Just wait until they pack your car and take off alone to journey somewhere far away. Your heart is in your throat beating madly as you wave them into this wider world.
Good luck, beautiful family. Enjoy!
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When will American businesses learn that Austria is in the right direction in giving parents that safe space to raise a baby?
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The baby was peaceful 22 hrs of 24 hrs travelling ?
Wow , no screeching, no complaining from front seat to back seats ?
Baby passed with flying colors and yes now in India let it go, there will be so many relatives to take care of the baby.
By the way read :" The Wondfall" a couple of months ago enjoyed it thoroughly and recommended to so many in my book club online .
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A feeding app? How did mankind even survive prior to its invention? Enjoy your baby. They grow up much too fast.
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Anti-bacterial soaps and lotions? In this day and age? Really? Throw them all away, so your babies immune system will thrive. Read Moises Velasquez-Manoff's "An epidemic of absence," and you'll learn that children of immigrants suffer greatly from auto-immune diseases in developed countries. Only the chemical industries that promote the use of pesticides in soaps benefit.
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If you -- or a baby -- is actually DIRTY, then wash with a mild soap and warm water.
Nothing else is necessary. Anti-bacterial soaps and hand sanitizers are way overkill, unless you are scrubbing up for brain surgery.
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As infants can pick up on and reflect the stress of their parents, the low-maintenance version of parenting is likely the best for all concerned.
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Feeding apps? Seriously? How about feeding them when they are hungry? They do go through growth spurts where they will need more, and times when they are teething when they might only want to eat frozen peas. And, every kid is different.
Glad the author is learning to put the phone down and enjoy the moment.
Even if you have routines, etc. it will be that sometimes the child will sleep well and sometimes not.
Everyone thinks they know best, just follow your instincts as to what is right for your family and you will be fine :)
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I remember being so frazzled by advice books when my now 22 year old son was born. I thought books and instruction manuals had the answers and I got upset when their advice don’t work. I remember finally realizing that he had not read the manual and so they were of limited use. I can totally appreciate how upending your move has seemed. Appreciate the fact that the people around you are affirming your parenting. Parents need to hear they are doing a good job more often!
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I raise my son in the musical equivalent of a foreign land and I believe it's made him a calmer and easier child.
In utero, my son got acclimated to the dulcet tones (NOT) of his half-brother's punk rock band playing in the basement. During his infancy, I would ask the band to stop playing for about 15 minutes to let my son fall asleep. In reality, he only needed 5, but 15 gave me a break as well from a music genre I've never fully appreciated.
By the time my son was a toddler, my step son's musical tastes had changed (improved?), so my son was falling asleep to a jazz trio.
Fast forward to now, and my son is a jazz drummer.
Lesson: Don't cosset your baby. Don't force things, but expose them to whatever exposures naturally happen in your life. You will be happier. They will be happier. And all will be good.
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It's been thirty eight years since I became a very anxious first-time mother. "Oh dear", I thought. Nothing's changed: motherhood is still so competitive, so relentless! But your priceless last line reassured me -- ah, how I wish I'd known! Relax and enjoy -- you've got this!
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Read about the hygiene hypotheses. The dirt and grime in India is actually good for her. She is unlikely to have any autoimmune illnesses like asthma, atopic allergy and even peanut allergy. Dump the Apps - loving parents are the best App any child can hope for.
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An estimated 48 Million Indian children have stunted growth due to lack of sanitation, lack of toilets, and lack of clean water.
It’s one thing to expose babies to dirt and grime in a Brooklyn apartment, but possibly a very different result in India.
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Again, India is not a monolith -- while sanitation is a real problem in slums and rural India, it is very clearly not a problem for the author's child, or others who grow up in modern environments -- to suggest that the author's child may expect stunted growth or have to worry about sanitation, toilets or clean water in a Bombay flat vs. a Brooklyn one is incorrect and a little insulting
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The biggest secret to parenting is to use your own judgement. Your baby is different from your friends' babies; you are different from your friends. Competitive parenting is to benefit Mom and more to the point, Mom's community, to make each Mom feel like a superstar compared to others. My obstetrician told me Type-A and being a mom are a bad fit. It may have been the
best parenting tip I ever received.
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I had to laugh. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting.
You (the author) summed it best with the final sentence. Truly parenting is an individualized pursuit. There's no one way, and no secret, excepting this. Be with your child when he/she is young. Bond with them in that fashion. And when they get older be sure to pull up your own memories of yourself at their age. It will help you to relate, and provide some valuable insights.
Recalling your memories may be the hardest part, because I've found more than a few adults seem to forget their own childhoods. Don't forget, remember. Your own childhood memories, juxtaposed against your now adult insight, can act as an instruction manual and guide to parenting your child along their way. After all, they're now walking the path you have already trod, eh? So you can make their way easier than (perhaps) yours was, or just as good. In any case good luck on your journey. It's one of life's main adventures....
John~
American Net'Zen
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I had to laugh also .... really ... kids and more kids .. just what the world needs . More rugrat kids .. where is my tax credit for NOT having any of the adorable creatures ... while we’re at it how bout a tax refund for my 45 years of paying property taxes which supports public schools which I never made use of ...
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Justin: LOL! Yeah....wellllll...consider your enforced efforts (taxes and such) contributing to the greater good? Those kids very well might support and pay to help you when they're adults and you're counting what's left of your teeth while trying to avoid losing your mind and wearing Depends. File it under what goes 'round comes 'round? Heh!
Regards!
John~
American Net'Zen
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As a father of four, you are so right that there is no secret to parenting.
The agressive mothering you've seen in Brooklyn hopefully will open itself one day to the wisdom of fathering (and trips to India).
Fathering and mothering are equally parenting but fathers are often momterrupted and momplained aside.
Perhaps you'll now extend your acceptable range of parenting to include fathering as equally valid with mothering?
2
Oh my goodness. Please tell me you’re joking about using a feeding app and also about the American obsessive pediatric weigh in? No. Just to be with your baby and let them be your guide. You’re there for the big stuff! Carry your newfound attitude forward with you as this child grows and you’ll both be fine.
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Confessions: My infant child rolled off the couch onto the carpeted floor while I slept. I cut my son's tiny finger and made him bleed while trying to snip his minuscule fingernails with miniature clippers. I shut the same child's hand in the car door when he was about four.
I am still agonized with guilt over these.
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you must be my mom reincarnated -(she did all that and even dropped me once) don't feel guilty. I turned out okay ;-)
4
Rolled off (fill in the blank) and onto the floor? Check
Cut the finger instead of the fingernail? Check
Shut a hand in the door? Check
...Add to this: Missed the Parent/Child lunch at preschool; Can't recall any teacher's name from 1-4th grade; Didn't realize my son's pants were too small (not just too SHORT, but too SMALL, like he couldn't even get them ZIPPED) until we were in the middle of the store.
But, guess what? All three kids lived without any significant or long term damage and are now awesomely amazing adults.
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Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood: Worry.
I think the best advice is to trust your instincts. I can look back on some pretty big mistakes my parents made based on "professional expert advice." I made my own share, but discovered that a lot (dare I say most?) of the "professional expert advice" was bugwah, some dangerously so.
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I don’t know what my parents were like with my older brother, but by the birth of my younger brother, they, too, would’ve laughed—and taken a sip of something. A big family is the secret of parenting.
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My mother in law is one of 11 siblings. My father is law is one of 12 siblings. My own parents come from large families. By the time you have your second or third child, you won't need any apps or routines or parent groups and self imposed pressure of preconceptions of how parenting should be or should not be.
Do keep an eye on mosquitoes...especially the day time ones, those carry dengue, the night time ones carry malaria.
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Here is the thing: When you have to worry about clean water / clean air, all other concerns become ancillary at best. Brooklyn provides both (and to those who say oh the air in not clean etc., please pay attention to the quality of air next time you visit Delhi); so parent's minds wonder to other area such as food and strollers.
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I think it's fair to say that it's mostly mothers minds that wonder not "parents" minds. Often the wisdom of fathers doesn't get caught up in competitive parenting or imagining that there is one truly "right" way.
But she didn't mention visiting Delhi, an entirely different city in an entirely different part of India. A privileged mother who is buying fancy cribs in Mumbai isn't worrying about whether or not her daughter has access to clean water. Perhaps you should give thought to the variety of experiences one can have (even in the developing world) before assuming that all Indian mothers struggle to provide their children with basic necessities.
2
Except that NYC tap water has fluoride. Need an RO filter...
I had a conversation with my sister-in-law who bore and raised 5 (youngest now 17) about baby monitors. She didn't have one and said, "I don't want to know ever time they whimper in their sleep."
Unlike computers (and apps) babies are not programmable. The best thing a parent can do is listen to and look intentionally at their babies. A baby/young child can tell you when they are cold (learn the signs), hungry, wet, in pain, unhappy. They come equipped with cuteness, but also a great set of lungs and extremely reactive faces. Don't drop them, put them near a flame, or feed them unknown substances. Keep them adequately warm, dry, and fed. Cuddle them. Most mistakes beyond that will not do permanent harm.
85
I live in Brooklyn and can't imagine raising a child here. Over-parenting is taken to an art form and, somehow, children have become more important than adults. That will not be good for anybody, especially the children themselves.
12
I had assumed that this article was click-bait for people to share amusing stories of Brooklyn (Park Slope) parenting. I hope we'll get some of those!
1
No wonder people are cautious in the company of "overparented" Brooklynites!
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