Who Decides What’s ‘Sexy’ — And Who Pays for It?

It is interesting to me that for all the talk about "The Male Gaze" and objectification, on and on, that it is women who buy make up, who buy sexy dresses, who buy high heels (which have to be even more torture than neck ties), who support dozens of publications on everything from how to be the perfect housewife to how to catch and hold your man. Can we agree that no woman should be forced into sex or a relationship she does not want? That respect for each other is the foundation for good business and friendship, that teaching the incoming generation is good for the organization and must never come with conditions. Can we also agree that pushing sex into the shadows rather than celebrating it as a glorious part of life is the cause of much of our problems? That if this were something that was part of everyday life, that much of the coercion, would go away? Our existing way of dealing with the relationships between men and women in the public sphere does not seem to be working. Perhaps its time we looked at the underlying assumptions.

While it may be true that women's curves often define sexy, I disagree that men's faces define their sexiness. Mark Wahlberg is not sexy because of his face. And when any lead male not in a comedy takes off his shirt, it is expected he should reveal a chiseled triangle shaped chest close to washboard stomach, and in America it should be hairless. There are expectations for men's bodies too. And it is a Michael Phelps Ryan Gosling Brad Pitt He-man chest. (Even the photo of Jeff Bezos in this Sunday's newspaper features a triangle chested man who looks like he would would look good with his shirt off.) Sorry but Seth Rogen will never get to play Darth Maul. If the dad body is having his day so too are the voluptuous figures of Mindy Kaling, Rebel Wilson, and Melissa McCarthy--all comedy.

Women do not owe men their beauty. I have said for years that if women just stop spending their income on the unattainable demands of men they will reap the world.

I find myself in the odd position of standing up for Blake Shelton. Last year I was walking through Disneyland with my teenage son and my sister. We saw a small group moving through Tomorrowland with bodyguards and the Disney tour escort (not unusual here). The man was absolutely mesmerizing and many fellow Californians stopped to stare at his blazing smile, long limbs and shaggy hair. I had no idea who he was. I soon realized that Gwen Stefani was part of the group. I recognized her, but she was a muted presence beside him despite her full hair, make-up and shiny black boots. That man will electrify you in person. Consider also the Blake Shelton references in the Amy Schumer episode that parodies 12 Angry Men. I seldom see People magazine, but I'm all for women disputing their judgment of sexiness. On the other hand, seeing Blake Shelton in person might change anyone's mind!

The sad fact is that "sexy" often means reduction to object. Although the article focuses on the curvaceous body image, one has only to pick up most any "women's" magazine and one is struck by the anorexic, in some cases opiate addicted mimic, body form in ads for clothing, cosmetics, travel, etc. Men are similarly judged, though a lot more is forgiven the wealthier or more "powerful" he is. Thus, the origin of arm candy. In America ads from my childhood emphasized the sunny tan (ignoring the melanoma that results); still does, but with some limitation. In Africa, skin lighteners are sold, products which contain carcinogens and other toxic chemicals. Brown up in America, lighten in Africa. The objective is to create dissatisfaction with who we are. We need to accept people as they are, not how well or poorly they fit into some ridiculous stereotype of what is beautiful, or handsome, or strong. It is a sickness that infects the whole of our assessment of our fellow human beings.

A bisexual friend's take on this (discussed a couple of years back): Straight men's arousal tendencies are pretty standard: Take apparent youth, a fertile appearing body, and whatever fetish(es) that the guy possesses and you've pretty much got it. Straight women have far more varied tastes and desires. Post-adolescent youth, good hygiene, a deep voice and not too short seem to be commonalities but after that, anything goes. The point made was that most straight men find very similar women desirable but straight women views of desirable (discounting power and money, which when women posses them, don't appear to be aphrodisiacs for men) are all over the map. Personally, this straight woman finds most of the supposed "sexiest men" not that attractive (especially male models who look bizarre to me). So I may be part of the proof that our attractions are all over the map.

No matter what is being called "sexy" male, female, automobile or home, it is always for the male gaze and that irritates me very much. Blake Shelton is non-threatening. He's the guy next door that you hardly notice. And that is so men won't feel threatened. It's as if women and what they want doesn't exist. It's as if women don't have jobs and money of their own. The advertising/entertainment industry is odious.

Sexiness is an energy that comes from within. I think it is total complete confidence in one’s sexuality, self, abilities etc and perhaps it is being one’s true authentic self. Case in point, about a decade ago, myself and some girlfriends took an intro to pole dancing class. The instructor comes into the room. The instructor was a “voluminous” woman, think Venus of Willendorf with 20 extra pounds. I thought I do not want to watch a fat person pole dance. This was back when I was younger and thought I knew everything. Well the woman got on the pole and proceeded to move in a way that could only be described as true, raw, unadulterated, authentic sexiness. While I didn’t learn to pole dance that night, I did learn that outside appearances do not create sexiness. This woman had proved my belief that outward appearance determine sexiness untrue. If it doesnt come from outward appearance (this woman was overweight, may have been borderline obese and was not a shape i considered sexy), then where does it come from?? Its an energy that comes from within. Most people are a long way from accessing this from within themselves, which is why marketing sexiness is successful. Regarding sexiness, marketing resonates with and exploits the self doubts and unassuredness “baggage” that block that beautiful vibe called “sexiness” that is in inside of each and every one of us. Until people look within for sexiness, there will always be a market for lipsticks, push-up bras and Rogaine.

The interesting thing about all this is the unstated assumption that "sexy" is mainly a visual thing. Understandable, given that celebrity culture is overwhelmingly visual, but probably deeply misleading, given that more and more research suggests that visual stimuli are only a small part of what determines sexual attraction in humans, smell and sound being apparently at least equally if not more important. Some research suggests this is particularly true for women. In other words, if we really wanted to find out who the sexiest man or woman alive is, sniffing them would probably be more useful than looking at pictures of them.

Thought experiment...is a process of defining masculinity and "acceptable" masculinity going on in a manner now that mirrors the definition of feminity and "acceptable" femininity that we have been unwinding for that last 100 years at an accelerating pace. Another thought experiment...is masculinity in contemporary culture being cleansed and purified with the same frenzy as heresy during the Inquisition. Is the male now to feel guilty for having a male gaze? Should males look at women with the female s3lf-reflexive gaze alone?

Looking forward to a world in which comfortable shoes and clean plastic-free faces are the norm. It'll be quite a revolution.

What Ms. Roberts seems to say is that women want something other than sex (wrong: women want sex too). Women have always more--sex and spirit and personality (not to mention intelligence). It is only that women have recently achieved political and economic power such that those choices are more readily recognizable. What Ms. Roberts seems to be describing in hopeful terms is what the market will ultimately serve up so long as women continue to gain that power. Is it any wonder that all those iterations of the male gaze were on billboards, screens and commercials when female labor participation rates/compensation parity and political representation were and are still lopsided? We have a long way to go, baby.

There is a major difference in what drives straight male sexual arousal and women based on my experience. Most men are visually oriented and enjoy viewing attractive women. This is a major turn-on. From what i can tell, women's arousal is way more complex and the visual is only one factor. Not all of us are sexual predators, "undress" women in our minds or have rape in mind. We like looking at attractive women solely for sake of their appeal. I think this can interfere with women's equality in the work place. We males have to be conscious of separating out our emotional bias in dealing with ladies.

sexy - a Hollywood construct - the way Marilyn Monroe could turn on 'sexy' breathy voice and wiggly walk ? cultural differences - I recall when most people in India were hungry, their female movie stars were mostly 'plump' - ooh, I want what she's having ! (more food) hormones and DNA drives - young males may walk around lusting after anything that moves - as an old guy my lower testosterone has me appreciating beauty without the pressure to score. sexy advertising - I recall tyre shops with pix of lingerie-clad females draped across the tyres - that got males attention - feel like you want some of this ? - yeah ! - one set of tyres please ! advertising in general - create an urgent desire ? - for the spend-most 18-35yos - sex can help - or at least it did in my youth - not sure about free internet porn's influence on reduction of unrequited lust these days. create anxiety ? - 'imagine' these beautiful people - you're not one of them - right ? Maybe if you buy some of these shiny new expensive toys ? to which my frugalista recalls - 'most people driving shiny new cars are not millionaires - most millionaires do not drive shiny new cars'

"Sexiness" has basically become an advertising construct having little to do with actual sex and more to do with an idealized vision of sex and, as Naomi Wolf would observe, our frustrations at not being able to attain it. Sexiness is used to manipulate both women and men. Men, because we swim in testosterone (at least during that period of life when we are a 'target market'), may be more easily manipulated by images. Women, because they've been taught to be insecure, may be more easily manipulated by the dream of making themselves more attractive. Far from limiting the influence of sex, sexual taboos have made us more vulnerable to that sort of manipulation. We are a society in flux--maybe permanent flux. Technology (birth control, communications, etc.), changes in life styles (from agrarian to urban), and the influence of multiple cultures have all called into question our sexual mores and roles. We will continue to struggle with this, I suspect, until more mature attitudes develop, if ever.

Ms. Roberts, the female gaze does exist, has gained force in the digital age. Head over to Tumblr and type “Benedict Cumberbatch” into the search box. Or another appealing male star. Enjoy the rabbit hole.

What is sexy matters most to unrequited, fanciful imaginations seeking assurance of normality. Rubbish, you say. Indeed, its on the DNA and nakedness is practically a universal norm. Besides, what would the world be like without Madison Avenue and slick advertisements.

To paraphrase United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, you just know Sexy when you see it.

Advertisers decide what is sexy in that they try a bunch of things and see what works best to sell garbage to stupid people. Hollywood knows what is sexy in that they try a bunch of things and see what works best to sell garbage to stupid people. We are only consumers to those that work in the manipulative industries. We are not even human beings. Of course, many people think it's their duty to be a good cowed consumer of garbage. Their belief that they are patriotic in their consuming is confirmed for them by the manipulative industries. The question is rather childish and insulting. But then childish is what most people have been trained to be. I guess you were talking to them because you have some garbage to sell.