Language is a tool (it can be a weapon). It doesn't create reality, but it does help us think about reality and interact in it.
Giancarlo, I don't think you were deprived of terms that would have helped you understand yourself. I think you've been unsettled in your body for many years. To finally feel at peace is only a good thing; I find it sad that you are bitter after your amazing journey.
4
Gioncarlo Valentine is entitled to gender and pronouns of choice and the author seems to have made peace with both.
One wonders though how anybody can expect anybody to be sensitive to so many permutations of individual choices, needs, desires, expectations etc. when it comes to the use of language. One would need the proverbial scorecard to keep track.
7
Sounds like somebody eventually grew up, and found his place in the world... Good job! Now aren't you glad the suicidal thoughts weren't acted on, and you didn't resort to hormone-altering medicines to change the real you? So many people are either goaded into becoming something they are not, or grasp at magical cures to change their outer selves, without fully understanding the hard work it takes to come to grips with your complex inner self. (This isn't limited to gender dysphoria, btw.) Speaking of, has anyone checked in on Caitlyn Jenner lately to see if she is still happy with the family-altering changes she made to herself via surgery, prescription medicines, and the attention initially showered on her for making drastic changes to her outer appearance? I seriously worry about her health, like I do people who have tummy tucks, plastic surgeries, etc., only to find out later that the instant fixes they thought would accompany these actions do not come without addressing the inner causes. That's America though: we treat the symptoms, and expect the internal health automatically follows. Just the opposite, some times.
14
Many people, myself included, do not understand this gender identity issue because gender is something we simply don’t care about. Your gender pronoun or identity does not in the least alter how we see you or treat you, or how we we want you to treat us. And so it’s difficult for we gender-agnostics to empathize with your situation.
This is very much like hearing from someone who really really identifies with a professional sports team, when I myself am not into identifying with any particular team. I want to support your glory and ease your pain when your team wins or loses but, sorry, I just don’t “get it”.
I want to empathize, but I just don’t understand why you care. Perhaps we gender-agnostics and gender-identifyers will never understand one another fully.
Still, it’s always best to treat someone as they wish to be treated, even if I don’t comprehend their thinking. So I try, very hard, to remember people’s preferred pronouns, sports teams, names, whether they like cream in their coffee, and so on, but that’s a lot to remember.
For the record, I don’t at all care what pronoun or team you use with me, so long as there’s cream in my coffee.
8
I’m a gay man, and I will no longer donate a cent to any LGBT organization that endorses this anti-science, anti-reason, offensive, trivializing worldview.
30
While I empathize with your suffering (most of us have are own, around other issues) No one is ever going to be happy when they're depending on the words of others for their happiness. As this issue settles as you age, there will be plenty of other situations where people treat you differently than you'd like. I don't think PC language saved you, just time and the nature of things changing. Work on your own mind, not on changing others so much, it's a much better bet and a bigger payoff for all involved.
15
Thank you for your beautiful essay. The bulk of the comments make me so sad as they feel dug in and closed-minded, missing the heart of your piece. Language is powerful. We all need a world that allows room for the names we call ourselves and that expands with us as our names multiply and as we grow. The world and all of us in it get to be so much bigger and truer and more interesting this way.
7
It seems to me Gioncarlo doesn't have a set gender.It's fine with me but don't expect me to be able to guess it as you transition.I will address you as the way you appear that day.I dress and look like a man and prefer to be addressed as such.If you call me call me anything but a man I don't get upset.Chill.
8
With respect, if language alone can cause so much confusion and pain, I question whether language is the issue. After all, the argument given here is not that language per se is the issue, but that the individual does not "identify" with any of the relevant words (pronouns, etc.). That is not an issue of language; it is an issue of self-identity.
Consequently, demanding that all of humanity treat an individual(s) in a different way from all the rest of humanity based on, for lack of a better phrase, 'personal linguistic confusion' is to demand special treatment.
Some might find that to be far too much to ask. Others, such as myself, wonder if capitulation would not be negative in the long run as such an individual as the author would perhaps have not had to deal with "himself".
And again, with respect, your last two paragraphs are simply opinion. That is well and good, but it does not make it true in any sense, except for you.
Note how I keep coming back to "you"? Note how these words, whether one uses "he" or "she" or "ze" or 'X' merely refer to you, to the person.
So be the person you are, and stop fixating on language, and stop fixating on what you believe those words mean.
And fyi, he/she are fairly inarguably based upon biology, not gender identity or anything else. Have a penis? Then you are "he". Have a vagina? Then you are "she". Beyond that, you are who you are, and indeed, words do not matter.
14
Gender isn't a spectrum. It is a binary classification scheme developed over millennia by society in order to promote the dominance of male-sexed people over female-sexed people.
2
No, it’s a matter of evolution and biology, not some “classification scheme”. In most species throughout the animal world, males were bigger and stronger and therefore their dominance was natural. There was a role for each sex to play in the preservation or growth of their species. Humans were no different for like 99% of our existence as a species. It’s only in the last couple hundred years that society has changed to the degree that traditional roles could be questioned and adjusted.
9
If you have two X chromosomes you are a woman and if you have XY you are a man. FACT. End of story. The rest is a collective lunacy, nurtured on college campuses by sociology professors who live in ivory towers. Sorry but I don't plan to amend my language to include "Zi " or whatever else the PC brigade dictates, and neither is most everyone else.
26
You have absolutely lost the reality plot if you think I'm going to
* use the plural - they or them - to refer to an individual
* phoney made-up nonsense of zi or zer or whatever that blather is
Biologically there are only 2 sexes - male and female. Occasionally -as in something like 1/2 of 1% of the time - nature messes up and a person comes out neither completely mal physically nor completely female physically but some kind of mix of the 2.
Reality = biology - real physical biology that can be tested (genes, hormones) and examined (look at a picture of male and female and then look at your body - pretty easy actually)
The language that has worked for hundreds of centuries do describe the 99%+++ who are physically one of the only 2 sexes does not need to be changed to make some reality-impaired and rather extremely delusional people happy - a group who are less than 1% of the population
I will no more cater to delusion that a biological male is woman or that a biological female is not of the female sex than I will play along with someone's delusion they are a duck or a rabbit.
If you are a biological and anatomical male you have ZERO business in the women's communal open changing room at the pool. Making women tolerate your presence in such a setting is sexual harassment of women.
30
Well, you have really taken a strong stand on that, haven't you, Ann. I wonder why so sensitive - hmmm.
4
Who “flinches” at a pronoun?
13
As chance would have it, earlier today I was reading Mark Lilla’s ideas about how the adoption of identity politics is killing the liberal cause in the long run, keeping us from sustained power and actually harming the causes we espouse. Giancarlo would be welcome at my table any day, whatever identity, clothes, or otherwise she chose to use. As the grandfather of a transgender grandson, I have at least a slight understanding of the territory. But, like other commenters, I balk at the manipulation of language. The English language I’ve inherited is one of the greatest cultural achievements in human history and I intend to “own” it for myself. It is so versatile in its possibilities to express nuance and sensitive topics that we really have no business forcing the vocabulary of identity on it.
10
Much of what what people like Trump and his supporters rail against as being "politically correct" amounts to little more than what once would have been regarded as good manners. Calling people what they wish to be called and identifying them as they wish to be identified isn't a matter of political correctness: it is a matter of basic human decency and respect for others.
14
As a girl, I longed to have delicate hands and small feet, a smaller head, be shorter. But none of this could ever happen. I tried to accept myself as I was, but I still sometimes mourn my features, now wrinkled and old.
But I never demanded anything from society to make it right for me.
16
I'm sorry you have lived through so much pain and strife, yet find it hard to grasp why you were so sensitive to the non-derisive word "transgender," or the common male/female pronouns. The are not words of hate.
Personally, I'm happy to call you whatever you wish, but, for your own sake, I hope you are able to grow past your hypersensitivity.
As an older person who has lived though a lot, I can assure you that life will deal you much more serious wounds than any word can inflict. Certainly, words can sting, but they can't compare to, say, bone cancer, the loss of a sibling, or any real-world life crisis. Best wishes to you, I hope 2018 bings you peace.
18
"Political correctness" is the catchphrase of people who resent having to check themselves on the racist, misogynist, homophobic, hateful speech that used to be allowed to flow freely. Deal with it.
10
Nobody mandates my pronoun usage.
9
Ok, but what if someone ASKS you to use a specific pronoun? Will you be gracious and comply, or is that too much of an imposition?
5
I would answer no, because I wouldn't be helping them by perpetuating and further encouraging their sensitivity to the issue.
we all need to let go of what others think or say or don't think and say
about us and learn to love ourselves beyond that.
5
What is the difference between being "a gay boy" and "a beautiful girl," as you described your feelings on different days growing up? Can you answer that question without any gender stereotypes, like wearing makeup or cutting your hair short?
I don't know if anyone feels strongly enough about pronouns to tell a whole group of people how they can and can't be addressed. Some people are stubbornly resisting a kinder, more inclusive culture. But there are other people, like me, who wonder why you need a new language to refer to what was only supposed to be a binary, biological designation, not a description of identity. I welcome the progressive evolution of our language and culture. I worry about the definition of being a woman, and the ways in which our society strains to define us by delicacy, submission, appearance, and subservience to men. Please don't turn trans identities into more gender stereotypes.
13
"I am completely at home now with my male identification."
Sounds like you grew out of a phase. Not politically correct to say so, but, there it is.
18
When did someone make up the so-called words "zi" and "zer"? Wasn't "cis" bad enough? Maybe we should just call everyone by his/her given name so we can stop torturing the language.
13
If you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen. Short, tall, too fat, too thin, too beautiful, too ugly all get stared at. The proper pronouns may not be on everyone’s lips and they may be just honestly confused and embarrassed. That’s not hate, fear or discrimination - it’s just plain human.
9
I feel attacked if I am forced to accommodate everyone's personal gender pronoun. I need you to grant me trigger warnings when you want to say words such as "zi" or "zir" or "zim" or whatever. It agitates me and makes me afraid. So, please use your new words only in the privacy of your own home, and do not use them around me or expect me to use them. I feel they oppress me and denigrate my gender.
15
It's unfortunate that there are those out there who can't tell how many genders there are.
5
I'd support genderless pronouns. It would be interesting to try them in the workplace, where gender works against so harshly against women (and LGBTQ!).
One day as some kind of gag I forget what, all the women on our team donned fake mustaches. What was strange was that at the meeting that day, I would swear it seemed the women had more credibility, just via Speaking With Mustache. Weird.
What I don't get about the whole LGBTQ thing is this obsession with how the person is viewed by others, and on presenting oneself. Seems to me both greatly overrated concepts. Be. Be yourself. I don't care what you look like, nor what you do with your sex life, and I think most others would agree. Isn't it more important, and healthy, to think more about how one can help others, work with others, and generally do their part to make the world a better place? When Bruce became Caitlyn it sure seemed like the focus was all on Jenner. Isn't there more to think about?
10
Simple: How are gender neutral or gender specific indexicals politically correct? Makes no sense. That’s like saying being straight or being gay or being whatever is politically correct. This is embarrassing.
3
wow. everyone's an expert here. a lifetime of prejudice is all it takes.
Let's just stand back and let people be who they are. If you don't understand it, how is that different from not understanding Latvian?
5
So he-she and it are bad, but they/them and zi/zer are good, or in this author's words "glorious and complex." Makes lots of sense.
6
Maybe you haven't had the words on time, but you do have the opportunity to raise your voice now. Remember that language does not evolve at the same pace as society does, but you've momentum. Fortunately or not, you're living a transition period. Sooner or later, transgenders will become something mundane, and probably we, straight people, will be the weird ones. So, keep doing your job, cause you're doing it very well.
5
Political correctness is just a derogatory name for cultural norms. If you disagree, explain the difference.
1
I will call a transgender man “he” and a transgender woman “she”, but if you can’t figure out, day to day, how to identify, that’s on you.
13
It appears the author still has a problem with words: "I started to wear my clothes a bit looser so that people couldn’t identify my gender."
This is incorrect because it's not your gender that would be revealed by tight-fitting clothes, it's your body/sex. Your sex is your body, your gender is your mind/presentation/pronouns.
Language here also has has significant impacts; conflating the terms sex and gender impacts upon whether the class of people who can be covered by various legal protections and medical services will be determined on the basis of their immutable sex/reproductive capacities, or on the basis of their social presentation.
Anyone can change gender, no one can change sex (the change is only simulated.)
7
Pardon us all over the place! The author didn't know who he/she/zed was, yet everyone else was supposed to have it down pat already.
Change has been blisteringly fast in so many areas, yet some want to accelerate it into warp drive. Don't be surprised when the pendulum swings the other way. If you don't remember to duck, that pendulum will knock you for a loop.
12
To me, being "PC" has always meant doing my best not to offend others by being thoughtless. It might not always be possible, but it seems to me to be worth a try. It's not that hard. The snowflakes on the right who take such great offense at having it pointed out that they are being offensive ought to give it a try. It's a lot better than being angry all the time.
5
Language is meant to express our collective meaning. It’s a very self absorbed view to want language to express your individual meaning of a word. Common courtesy should always prevail, but if no mal intent, the word is the word.
10
"As a society, it seems sometimes that we have no desire to grow. Any hint at change is met with aggression. "
Change suddenly and aggressively forced on people will always be met with aggression. No one should be surprised that the government seemingly out of nowhere started forcing people to accept that biological males could actually be females and allowed into womens' locker and shower facilities was met with hostility.
5
What if I'm a zi but occasionally feel different. Am I then a zizer?
6
Yeah, wow. This is such a new concept, socially, it's difficult to imagine how many people gave up on possibilities in their lives, because they didn't know how to talk about it.
1
These comments are really something. The author says a change in language would have helped him as a young person. Commenters decide they know his life better and it wouldn’t have helped him. Wow.
6
I fully accept that gender is a spectrum. My issue with PC is that it has made every conversation a mental steeplechase. I find myself consciously evaluating words while I speak, for fear of causing some unintended offence. We have over generations agreed on some conventions to make conversation simpler, and we should probably stick to those. It is impossible to find a solution that will satisfy every single human being so we have to find the common ground that applies to most people. For everyone else, it would probably be best to not be offended by commonly used words or phrases when there is no actual intention to offend.
6
Language is meant to be inclusive? Language is a hostile place. No amount of concerted engineering is going to transform it into a perfectly comfortable utopia.
1
Language is, definitively, descriptive, which is why it's constantly evolving and expanding. "A hostile place?" I shudder to think what you've been reading.
5
I'm thoroughly confused. I don't understand what word he wants to be identified with. I don't even know if "he" is the right word. I knew (I think I knew) what gay was and what lesbian was. Maybe we need another article that defines all the new and old words, with examples of when they are appropriate to be used. I think there must be a lot of people like me.
4
In my experience, when people challenge "political correctness," (PC is usually, in reality, about being sensitive to others' feelings/realities), it's because they're bigoted; they are used to using language that belittles others. They don't want to be told what to do. This attitude is incredibly self-centered. As you say, they are usually the ones with power over others.
Keep on doing your good work, for being honest and helping to educate us.
4
Unfortunately for some who might like it to be otherwise, there are still only two genders - male and female.
4
Maybe someone can explain to me why obsessing about how people see you, whether pretty or ugly or male or female is not incredibly vain. Dress as you like but within societal norms. Be a good person. Treat your friends and lover(s) well and strangers with respect and dignity. Let the rest of it sort itself out.
7
This author doesn’t need a different language, he needs intensive sessions with a psychiatrist. It’s outrageous to expect the rest of us to go along with such lunacy, and to act as if it is normal, and further to imply that there is something wrong with us if we don’t. Some people hear voices that compel them to do things, some people believe they are from another planet, and still others believe the government is stealing their thoughts and erasing their memories. It could go on and on or it could stop. Let’s stop it now.
12
Unfortunately, morphing English this way requires changing the primitives of the language. It is essential, for the purpose of eliminating ambiguity, that the language be able to distinguish grammatical person, gender, number, and case.
In colloquial speech, there won't be a problem beyond, perhaps, a too-small table when the progressive host infers that "waiting for them" is one's singular companion.
In situations in which ambiguity is simply unacceptable--law and medicine, for example--I suspect we will never incorporate these proposed changes. I hope everyone understands that this is not an affront.
The kicker is that we do, in fact, have the appropriate pronoun, but nobody likes it. It's understandable. I'm okay with singular they as long as you keep the rest of the features of the language. "They want pizza" means several people want pizza. "They wants pizza" means the individual wants pizza.
2
“I’d flinch if a girl referred to me as she or her; women often weaponized these pronouns against me when they viewed me as a threat or wanted to make fun of me. But I’d also cringe when boys referred to me as he or him, because those words felt too sharp, as if they were being used to remind me of my place.”
Or maybe people simply were not sure what pronoun you wanted? People are allowed to be confused and make mistakes.
There is no shortage of mean people in the world (especially in high school), but you need to understand that it can be difficult to know what someone straddling genders wants to be called. Where they lie on the spectrum of gender and identity. I encounter many transpersons dsily. I have watched people I know only superficially (cashiers, baristas, etc.) transition, and I am often not sure where they are in the process of self-identification. It’s not my business to ask, so in cases like that I will reach for the neutral “person” when I need a label.
4
The real thing about language is to not do harm. God isn't worried about what goes into our mouths, but what comes out of it. Lies, mean-spirited talk, rudeness, derogatory words, and more can ruin people's lies, sow dissention, and tear apart families and cultures. But there are sometimes when effective communication and honesty must take precedence over politeness, however, that's only in extreme cases. People should be polite whenever possible, but that's not always going to happen.
4
I just want to point out that I am a 61 year old female, and when I was in college on the 1970s, we were urging people to use gender neutral pronouns like THEY and THEM instead of HE or SHE. We called it the "singular they." Just to say this effort has been going on a lot longer than seems to be acknowledged here. (We were fighting against everything being HE or HIM - which was considered the grammatically correct default.)
5
May your life be happy and full, so glad you came through a dark tunnel and are at peace with yourself, and are kind. Sounds like you have had a lot of love around you, how wonderful.
4
To me this simply is a story of childhood and adolescence - why has it become a gender issue? Nobody has every understood what it means to me Male or Female as a child - you invent your own version as you mature. "He" eventually settled on male. Most people will settle on male or female as they grow up. I never felt completely at home with "Male" normative attributes, I know a lot of others, gay and straight, like myself, growing up in the 70's who just made it work. Gender isn't just an identity, it is also a convenience. You have a ready made set of things to pick from. This is what has always happened.
6
What I've realized about many of the people who complain about "PC" language is that they're threatened because their old ideas of social order - in which their group, of course, is at the top and everyone else belongs below, on the margins, outside the pale altogether, or simply invisible - no longer apply.
They refuse to accept a society that's increasingly diverse and inclusive - one in which people who they consider "other" or "inferior" demand their rights to be treated with equal respect and dignity.
Here's a little experiment I do with people who, for example, object to the idea that we should use names or pronouns for a group that they choose for themselves and avoid the ones they find offensive: I ask them to imagine the most offensive, threatening terms used to describe their own ethnic/religious/social group: the worst being terms used to dehumanize their group, deny them rights, and justify violence against them.
Here in NYC at least, most everyone gets this. Most of us or our ancestors were persecuted and exploited, and the horrible names they were called were a big part of that persecution and often drove it.
Really, is all that difficult to just use the terms or pronouns people request to be identified by? Or if you're not sure, ask?
6
What a beautiful essay. The role of language is to communicate, and the birth of new words is a healthy sign of growth. I hope that young people today grab the new pronouns and run with them fast and true-right towards equality and a better society.
7
Mr. Valentine describes a long and frequently painful journey to find a gender identity that ended with him embracing 'he.' It is easy to feel sympathy for his struggle.
But he seems to want to hold the rest of us accountable for somehow failing to intuit or understand what he himself was not able to grasp at various points along the way. The language didn't fail us or him. How could the language articulate or express what he wasn't able to define or embrace? Adding additional categories of gender to describe his states of passage would have only deepened his confusion during those days.
Had he eventually decided he was more comfortable as she, then everyone should respect that. But asking us all to embrace invented gender gradations along the road to a final identity and assigning them artificial designations like zi or zer is counterproductive.
26
Adding more pronouns isn't going to help. I submit only people immersed in gender identities is going to learn and use them.
I like the idea of a gender neutral language. Any label, including a pronoun, is going to be limiting.
In Game of Thrones, one of the languages is gender neutral. Removing gender from one phrase opens a world of possibilities to a key mystery in the series. It's not a bad convention to adopt.
5
Moving back, 600 fictional years, to embrace a fantasy language, only if you know the show, I guess. We have a language, at least 600 real years old, with accepted norms of human identification.
English is not an easy language to master, even for native born speakers. I know. And, to add to the confusion, everything that has been written and recorded will have to be addressed. Will we have to sub-title everything? Will we need "pre-enlightened" declarations in up coming editions?
Sometimes a brilliant idea loses it's shine after some analysis. This might be the case. If you want to be gay, fine. If you're a girl and you want to be called a boy, fine. Change your name to Larry and rock on. But, if you insist on correcting everyone that gets "your" pronoun wrong, expect some resistance. Not ongoing fights, only, no call backs. Most people don't want to fight with you, but, they see no need for you to correct decades of language normality. This could have career and relationship consequences.
3
Mr. Valentine, I wish you had these words as a child and I hope great things for children today who might be able to find themselves in a shared language and included fully in the community as a result. For those who cannot adapt to a changing language and a changing culture, I hope that they can try not to hurt others in their quest to maintain hegemony.
6
Precise language and PC language aren't the same. Similarly, PC language can be good and bad, just like diplomatic language. Sometimes it's best to soften difficult statements to make them more palatable. On the other hand, it becomes destructive when attempts to be kind make communication impossible. This is the "unhealthy" PC. Words like "non-binary" are not included.
11
To thine own self be true. I chair the Reconciling Task Force at my church; our goal is to make our church welcoming to people of all genders and sexuality. We are involved in a local center for gay youth and host an LGBT teen dance. We also recently hosted a day-long workshop for churches who wish to becoming reconciling congregations.
Naming is a very powerful thing. You gain strength through your name for yourself. Best of good fortune for you.
15
Every good student of social work, when exposed to the DSM (Diagnostic statistical Manual), protests the placing of people into psychiatric diagnostic boxes. Usually, they come to appreciate diagnostic terms as a kind of telegraphing verbiage which can efficiently communicate the most basic clinical picture or pattern. A clinical picture which needs filling in and refining, needs customizing with detail sufficient to paint a portrait, a likeness of someone who can then be seen and cared for by members of a health care team.
Most language is like this -- incomplete, approximate. And it our folly to imagine otherwise. It is true that in response to labels, we can either fit ourselves to them (in response to social pressure for the simplest terms) or we can grapple with what is missing in the language, what is missing in the description of ourselves...
Life is ever so much more fluid than most are taught to think -- be it notions (and I do mean notions!) of gender, race, or religion. All those demographic boxes-to-check have made me want to scream "other" or "all" or "none of the above" since I knew I could. Not only do those boxes constrict our accurate answering, those answers--your identity-- may change over time!
Bless your heart, Giancarlo, for retaining the natural and righteous wish to be who you are.
4
No one objects to the adjective “transgender.” It refers to a person whose gender identify is a mismatch with their actual sex. People object to being told they have to act as if they believe a male has become a female or a female has become a male. Humans are not among the species that can change sex after birth.
No one objects to people using pronouns like “they/them,” either. They object to being required to pretend they believe a single person can be multiple persons.
No one objects to a person describing themselves as “zi/zer,” as long as they don’t have to pretend they believe the person is neither male nor female—a condition that is almost never true.
39
In this matter What you believe is unimportant. You expect to be respected for who you are and the author does too. It’s that simple. No inquisition needed.
5
I support P. C. language to the degree it helps people feel more accepted in our society. But it's a double edge sword. In the U.S. we have become too politically correct. That's reality. I live a few miles from a private college. In the name of safe spaces conservative speakers are banned from campus. Those that come are shouted down, the halls where they speak surrounded by angry protesters who intimidate those who want to hear them. I'm not interested in hearing them talk but I support their right to speak. I support those who want to listen their right to hear them without interruption. I support the right of freedom of assembly, even for ideas I find offensive. Here's where the rubber hits the road. The irrational left in academia does not support freedom of speech or assembly. They never have & never will. PC Language is their way of curtailing these rights. Face it the last thing they want is the spread of free ideas on campuses across the country unless it is ideas that reflect their very narrow viewpoint. The issue isn't and has never been should college students have to accept speakers on campus who question their basic humanity...that is absurd. The issue is do they have the right to prevent people from speaking whose views they hate....they don't. You don't like what they are saying don't go, don't listen, or protest peacefully. The lack of respectful dialogue, the repugnant arrogance, the absolute contempt exhibited by today's student protesters is appalling.
22
There is truth to what you say. I've seen this oppressive thinking come down again and again. Its perpetrators typically think of themselves as exemplary human beings who are far more evolved than the rest of us. Actually, they are terrible listeners devoid of humility. They would have made great Stalinists because they are so completely, totally sure they are 100% right about everything one should do, believe and say. It's embarrassing and frustrating that they have hijacked a major role in how we talk to and about each other, which is genuinely in need of constant work. But not by them.
I say reject their dominance and control, but continue to work for progress.
17
Bill Brown,
That applies also to right-wing politicians, right-wing talk-show hosts, and the mobs they inspire.
1
The only freedom being imperiled is the freedom of never being told you’re wrong or that what you’re saying is hateful. The only people complaining are people whose right to be heard has never been questioned, those who have always held power. Time’s up.
4
I'd like to see us move in the direction of a genderless society, rather than create more subcategories of gender: Just be who you are, wear what you like, pursue whatever interests you have - regardless of your sex.
13
That might work for those under 12 and older than 50. Most people in between, want to procreate. Or, at least go through the motions.
6
Like several readers, I am a liberal (i.e., in the political center, not the hard left). I think everyone has the right to be free from assault or harassment simply for choosing to dress or wear their hair as they please. As some readers have noted, however, some on the hard left take a legitimate concern, overplay their hand, and shoot themselves in the foot.
I once knew a man with a transgender "kid," as he would say - born female but identifying as male. I was told that if I did not refer to his kid as "they," I was literally "harming" his kid. My reaction was that I would probably just avoid his kid, knowing that even if I tried to remember to adjust pronouns I had been using correctly for decades, I would screw it up, and there would be a scene, or at least awkwardness.
The father's basic mistake, I think, was to ignore a basic distinction in both law and ethics between well intended and maliciously intended speech. Another mistake is assuming that asking someone to adjust his pronoun usage for a single person is no different than asking someone to call you a particular name, e.g., my name is John, but I prefer to be called Jack. There's a world of difference between the two: when I see John, I think Jack, but I see only one person, not several, and so I'm inclined by long correct usage to use a singular pronoun in reference to Jack.
We should all respect and have compassion for others, but some on the hard left go too far in trying to dominate others' language.
42
I have a friend whose young adult child is non-binary. For a while we had to say they and them, now it depends on the day if it's he, she or they, and even my friend gets it wrong. There is no lack of willingness on my part, but it isn't easy to get the language aspect right when it changes so frequently. So I just avoid pronouns and follow my friend's lead on any given time I happen to interact with her child.
8
Now I understand Why Trump Won...the amount of Madness on the US left is breath taking
6
Easily solved. When in the presence of ‘the kid’, call ‘the kid’ by name. When talking to the father either use the name or call ‘Josie’ your kid.
I understand it. My older brother was named with a family surname. Problem with that was that that name was the female spelling of the name, not the maie. My brother has gotten mail labels to: Miss, Ms, Mz all his life, he’s 74. He ignored it. Now I’m his guardian, & I can’t seem to. So, I write a polite letter (what’s one more letter when I’m changing his address to mine & adding a Durable Power of Attorney too) to inform them that their female client is male. But, it tells me that I understand how this father feels when his child is misidentified. Never had kids, till now, & he is my beloved brother.
I don't get it. The author claims that PC language saved his life, but goes on to state that the PC language he needed simply wasn't present when he needed it. He then goes on to say that now he is fine referring being a he/him. So how did the PC language save his life? I had never even heard of the zi/zer thing, "Hey I set you up on a date, zi can't wait to meet you".
20
Obsessed with our own discomfort having to live among other people, we ignored THEIR discomfort having to live with us. Everybody belongs to a community of one kind or another and that means we have to "go along to get along." Adolesence is supposed to be an age when kids can test the limits of "getting along," but we often forget that failure to "go along" sometimes gets people killed.
As I write this, Trumpublican reactionaries are burning liberal America to the ground. These folks are reacting, in part, to the attempts liberals made to accommodate people like the author. Comfort for him/her/ter was extreme discomfort for them which they told us, in no uncertain terms, during the 2016 campaign. Did Trump find them or did they find Trump? Doesn't matter, their goal is to "Make America Gray Ash!"
I live in a world where some human cultures sequester their women and force them to wear burqas, where other human cultures mutilate their girl-children's genitals to prevent them, as women, from ever experiencing sexual pleasure. I have read about these things in the New York Times. Why do other Times readers think WE can get away with being casual about our sexuality, homo or hetero?
9
Giancarlo, it might be truer to say that non-PC language saved your life.
Consider if you were a gay child today and were somewhat gender dysmorphic. Would your PC family, friends, and community rush to accept you as transgendered and begin you on a regime in hormone therapy?
And if they did, would what would happen once you came to the realization that you are more comfortable identifying as a gay man, as you ended up doing? How would those years of hormone therapy have effected your biological and emotional development?
It seems in your case, others being non-PC toward you in your childhood and adolescence may have just saved you from a far worse fate than a decade or so of finding yourself.
34
No One "rushes" anyone into anything in the endocrine medical field. Physicians and other health professionals also understand there are many ways a transgender person can perceive themselves. Not all transgender people want hormones or surgery. And for adolescents in puberty there are blockers, which delay onset of gender secondary sex characteristics, which are the same used for precocious puberty, till that point in which the teen can have a safe time and place to understand themselves, protected from society's bigotry. Do research next time before you tell someone how they feel.
3
Nobody "rushes" to help their child transition to the gender they feel more comfortable in. I do know a mom who worked 80 hour weeks to be able to afford insurance to cover hormone therapy and top surgery for her teen who'd become suicidal about the developing body he was forced to live in. And despite how supportive both his parents are of the transition, being lefty San Francisco liberals, NO ONE RUSHED to surgery. I mean, you literally cannot, it requires years of therapy before anyone will agree to performing the surgery, for precisely the reasons you speak of.
Geez.
3
Since no child should be on gender hormone therapy before puberty (a body forced into an early puberty by body or doctor is the worst thing imaginable). Before then it’s the difference between dresses, & pants. In Scotland there isn’t even that difference. Small boys as well as grown men can wear kilts if they (or their parents) want to. Kilts are skirts by another name. Men are most often the bigots when it comes to gender. Girls must be girly girls, boys must be he men! I’ve noticed that men like then are usually very self conscious about themselves with very low sell esteem. So, everyone must conform to what they say, when they don’t know really where they stand.
I once heard from an asthma patient, "you don't really think about breathing until it's the only thing you think about." I feel similar about the LGBT world. saying it all doesn't matter, why can't we forget it, kind of misses the point. you don't really think about the part of you - and society - that's telling you whether your clothes, your hair, your hobbies, your voice, your mannerisms, your fiance, your choice of nickname are right or wrong and what happens when they're not telling you the same thing until you're swimming in it.
8
Humans are hard-wired to resist change. A few thousand years ago (a minuscule amount of time in human evolution) even a small change in weather, or in the habits of the game you stalked, could mean death for you and your clan. Accepting change is recent human behavior. It requires becoming educated to seeing other possibilities in the world around you as being non-threatening, and it requires an internalized sense of security in who you are. Any normal human being can achieve this, with education, encouragement, and self-effort. Without any of these you get the monkey brain norm of flight or fight. You get Donald Trump, Roy Moore, and others of their ilk. You don't have to look too deeply to understand them.
3
I am happy for you that you have found yourself. This is not as uncommon as the present environment would have you believe. Before it was considered ethical to allow people to change their bodies, many, if not most people, came to accept that they were in the right body after. This is borne out by the fact that after many have had gender reassignment surgery find they are attracted to people of the same sex. While there is nothing wrong with being gay, it is strange to have surgery to make it happen. Your most authentic self is the body you have. Use it the way that makes you happy.
7
You speak so eloquently on a subject you clearly know nothing about.
Gender identity and sexuality are two wholly separate things, unrelated.
3
A few years ago I read an article about a couple, married over 40 years, who when the husband died, ‘he’ was found out to be a ‘she’ physically. Oh, his wife never knew, this was back in the late 1800’s. Having a sexless marriage was not that uncommon. The Victorians had all the sexual feelings we do, but, abhorred them. So a father would marry his daughter off to a much older (but wealthy) man. They had separate bedrooms. No children. Loved each other more like parent child or brother sister. But, this couple made the choice themselves, before marriage to live together separately. Sex is not the be all end all for everyone that it is for many who write here. Oh, this ‘man’ was a famous artist, who because of his genre his art would not have been excepted if it were known he was a she. So, he had just moved, changed his name, got married, to a woman, & had a happy life, as she did. Neither were Lesbians. Many couples come upon times when it’s best to have a celibate life. Chronic pain of one or both is a reason,There are others, just as true. But, mention it in public & you’ll hear, ‘just try different positions’, ‘it’s not natural even at your ages to not have regular sex’, your husband must not have to ‘do without’, think of him’, ‘he may go elsewhere’. Let a kid dress, wear their hair, play as they wish. Sometimes we have to be creative. I wanted a truck when I was about 8. Not a girl toy. So I gave my brother one for his birthday. He’s 8 years older than me & not stupid.
Language is essential. It is linked to, if not identical with, thought.
And yet, words are counters, not coins.
So, very leftist as my politics go, I tend to the old school: "Sticks and stones..."
If you want to change the world, then change the world.
The way people talk about the world will follow.
4
Most of the time being PC simply means having decent manners. Call people what they want to be called, it's truly that simple.
I have a strong preference for stability and wish we would just settle on a neutral singular pronoun already. I'd like they/them to go back to being plural only and have ze/zir or whatever finally wins the race to be the singular. Grump.
To the author: You are yourself, please don't worry about being your most authentic self, all you need to do is be. You are: take it from there to the future and don't spend your valuable energy on might-have-beens.
7
This op-ed perfectly sums up the misgivings many people have about buying into the PC language cult. It's all about you. It's an exercise in self awareness but also a selfishness of the ego. It's inherently been burden on you as a growing person, but the burden is also shared with everyone who interacts with you. I'm all for accommodating people's identities and will do so when asked. Don't expect everyone else to not be confused, and don't be offended when they are, because you clearly were confused too for most of your life... The reason there is a backlash against your movement is the way it is presented in the media. Granted, awareness may make the population know about people with this condition. The NY Times, soon after the Supreme Court ruled on gay marriage, turned their sights fully on the transgender community as their new cause of "civil rights". Yet it is a statistically such a marginal part of the American population, but it was being covered and discussed in these pages like the most important and persecuted minority in the country... I don't care what bathroom is used or what you want to be called... its going to take awhile for everyone else to feel that way.
18
100% this. The media is obsessed with showing how accepting it is of transgender people. I actually think we could have avoided a President Trump if the coverage given to transgender issues was remotely proportional to their population. To be clear - this is not the fault of transgender people AT ALL. I wish them well and generally support protections for them. But I think there is a perverse need by some liberals to prove how open minded they are by showcasing transgender issues.
7
The community of transgenders are totally diverse. Some transgender people are identified as male or female, gender-queer, or non-binary but as transgender people are increasing in life they still face major discrimination and inequality. Some specific issues facing transgenders are poverty, harassment, lack of legal protection, and barriers to healthcare according to Human Rights Campaign. The NTDS found that almost 20 percent of respondents had been refused medical care outright because of bias. People need to learn to respect others who are either transgender or a different race. If you want to be transgender then go ahead and do it and make sure you feel comfortable with who you choose to be.
Change is definitely hard for people but you have to find out who you want to be and make sure you are pleasant with it and it satisfies you. A person's gender identity and expression is a part of who they are, not a lifestyle choice. Transgender people should be protected from discrimination in employment. There are many ways to end discrimination against transgenders like creating programs to support transgenders who have lost their jobs, creating fair workplaces, or improving schools by writing a policy against discrimination based on gender identity.
2
You know what else is inclusive? Recognizing that a woman can be feminine or not, sexy or not, into skirts or not, sweet or not, flirty or not, into pink or not, into delicate things or not, into nurturing professions or not. And taht men can be all the things a woman can be or not be, too.
When I hear talk about "femme presentations," I hear stereotypes. And I deeply resent them.
There are people who are transgender. And there are people who are gender neutral. But there are also people who find they don't fit into the stereotypes they have in their head and misinterpret both themselves and others as a consequence.
When you look for more inclusive language, please don't forget to take a wider view of your definitions of more traditional language.
33
Yes I am with you there. I really, really resent all these talks about "I knew I was female" and inevitably they are the worst sort of stereotypes. Nobody seems to declare themselves female because they are tough, resilient and can carry water on their head for miles and miles (a traditional female chore). Transwomen don't come out looking like Rosie the Riveter with oil splotches and muscles. And Jenner, the most famous athlete of my youth wasn't featured in athletic wear. No, it's always skirts, heels, fingernail polish and 'softness'. Occasionally, you get a less glamorous look like the meek office secretary,( cardigan's, pearls and knee length skirt) but still always a stereotype. People should be permitted to live their lives as they choose but it is hard to watch them reinforce tropes that have always oppressed me and call it freedom.
28
Us older people tend to see gender in stereotypes because we were forced into them. So, when one of us, say Jenner, switches sides, so to speak, it seems natural it would be from one stereotype to the other. Heap big male athelete to skirts, heels, polish, & softness. It’s what she grew up with as the ‘perfect’ woman. If you are making that big a change, wouldn’t YOU want to make it ‘perfect’? Maybe as our next generations grow up, being able to dress, look, color, & act anyway they wish, maybe those who realize they need to announce they aren’t one, but, the other, can then, just keep on dressing, wearing their hair, acting, competing, any way they want, same as before, different, or whatever depending on the day. Wake up & get dolled up, or put on old ratty jeans, flannel shirt, & go to work in a corporation. Only then will all of us be free.
1
There is language that hurts, and there is language that nurtures. One person's term for something, without meaning to, may offend. Where do we find common ground? Sensitivity to others is always good, but overzealousness regarding language becomes a weapon. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words, and I'll call my attorney, is no way to live. Be loving, show respect for others, find common ground, and the words will follow.
2
If I encountered someone who wanted to be called zi/zer, I would do so, but honestly would sigh a little inside. I don't know their life, but I think as a whole a fixation on gender (by the individual AND by society) is not healthy. This article helped me see how these terms could actually serve an important function for an adolescent who really hasn't sorted out an identity.
9
News Flash!
Everyone (straight, gay, white, black, men, women, etc…) wants to have maximum amount of identities in their lives because it is how we feel alive, how we “maximize” our “life” in the face of our inevitable doom.
We want “more” of life and “feel” as if someone is “robbing” us of our life. Blaming “death” seems innately pointless, so we direct our anger caused by meaninglessness and unfairness of “death” against some one or some group for either "taking"/"destroying"/"not giving" us more identities so we could live more.
If there is no good reason and offending group available, then any reason & group will do.
Those who believe that "straight white men" or any other variation of purported "privilege"/evolutionary advantage experiences LESS anxiety linked to own demise are badly mistaken.
The reality is that WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT. But instead of paddling together, we keep blaming each other for the waterfall ahead!
2
Perhaps it would be helpful if we cared less about what others (and their language) think about us than actually inhabiting our body and feeling into it.
If we give others power over our conception of who we are, as Valentine seems to be doing, then misery is the only answer.
2
Yes, but: Whenever it is decreed that some usages are acceptable and others not, many people who are indifferent or even hostile to social progress will take up the acceptable usages to demonstrate their virtue and feel absolved from doing anything else. Inclusive language may seem like only a starting point, but it is human nature to interpret starting points as finish lines. To take one example: The term "African-American" is now firmly entrenched, but in its infancy, among its most enthusiastic adopters were large corporations (who saw inclusive language as a means of making money) and, in an effort to seem more reasonable, virulent white racists (including David Duke).
"It’s not a coincidence that the people who are most often allowed to deem the world too sensitive and politically correct are the ones who wield power and privilege over others." Absolutely.
Even as a straight, white male, it's obvious to me that complaints about the supposed burdens of being 'politically correct' are just a veiled way of saying, "But I don't WANT to be POLITE to Those People'!
When a person has a less common first or last name, virtually everyone will accept and accommodate how they'd like that name pronounced. When someone has a less common identity that affects how they'd like to be addressed... Well, all bets are off. Suddenly many will be uncomfortable and therefore angered.
WHY is it so hard for humans to accept other humans who happen to be different?? This seems to be, sadly, a nearly universal human 'original sin.'
12
I can accept them the way they are, but that is not what is happening. They are trying to intrude on my space and change the way I live. They are not trying to merely live their own lives. They want to teach my children things I do not believe. They want me to use different words for familiar things for which there are already suitable words and this frightens me and make me feel oppressed.
5
Ambient, absolutely right.
When people complain about "PC" what they're complaining about is that it's longer acceptable in most situations to use derogatory language to address or talk about people they consider "other" or "threatening" and of course, "inferior."
4
Let me provide a different perspective.
Over the last half century (my adulthood) there have been vast changes in gender roles, and the behaviorial restraints that they defined. Male and Female are biological descriptions based on DNA and those qualities defined by a single chromosome. There are also rare (aprox 1/1700 "intersex"conditions) that I would argue should not result in a redefinition of the two sexes.
Any individual should have the broadest latitude in behavior, but to demand also the right to taint a binary terminology that is timeless and ubiquitous should not go without serious consideration. Most of us have public and private lives, which is how it should be. The label male or female, to the relief of all, no longer defines the limited boundaries of my childhood.
I play tennis with a retired marine petty officer who happens to be a woman, and handles having defended her privacy in a combat zone, and being a mom, quite well. And on these public courts are people who are hostile, sensitive, funny, angry, depressed or happy, irrespective of their chromosomal gender.
Language is the foundation of civilization. We can condemn words that are meant to be hateful, but when we attempt to create an entirely new taxonomy that will make hateful expressions impossible, it's a fools errand. It's not necessary, and leads to the kind of backlash that we are living with at this moment in history.
13
Language evolves. Humans should too. Binary is incomplete way to define human lives. Lives vs DNA. get over it.
2
I'm sure it is very difficult for people who fall outside of the traditional boundaries of gender identification. That much is indisputable. Yet, I think in an attempt to become more inclusive, the opposite has taken hold. We have now become a nation of labels. Where does it end? The more labels we bestow on each other, deeper the divide. I wish our legislators would spend the same energy on educating people about different groups of individuals as opposed to simply labeling them. That can make hearts to be more inclusive. Labels won’t do that.
7
Thanks for this.
I generally oppose identity politics and PC; have no objection to being careful about language out of consideration for others; and welcome (except for the fact that it stings) someone pointing out politely but firmly that, though I may not realize it, my language choices might be hurtful.
The main point for me is that the need for consideration is grounded in our common humanity.
I take your point that language must evolve to usefully express the world we encounter. It needs to be done carefully. About a year and a half ago I read someone quote Orwell to the effect that words do a good job describing simple things but when we use words to describe ideas we’ll find that, if we’re not careful, the language we use will start to do our thinking for us.
I often think of a scene from the film Blast From The Past. The young man who grew up with his parents in a fallout shelter says, to someone who thinks manners are just a way of acting superior, that a lady or gentleman is someone who tries to make the people around them as comfortable as possible. Out of consideration for you I’m happy to say instead that a considerate person tries to make others comfortable.
I’ll still oppose using PC as a cudgel and not a way to nurture and defend.
5
A vocabulary of 'correctness' is a poor substitute for social progress. Gender definitions are associated with power and with identity; boys like sports, girls play with dolls. Except some gals like sports and some guys have a collection of GI Joes.
We are most in need of inclusiveness. We have all come form tribes somewhere in our collective past. It would be helpful to recognize we are all one tribe of earthbound mortals with but short time to make things better for those who follow us.
8
Change is hard for humans. It usually engenders fear and aggression or withdrawal. That said, please know that the last fifty years has been filled with a cataclysm of social changes. Most of us are trying so hard to overcome the natural responses to change by substituting compassion, knowledge and empathy. Some fail. What increases our chances for success are people like you who tell us what hurts, what helps, what it feels like and how we could react in a more loving way. As I do not yet know a transgendered person, I am grateful that you have prepared me for that experience so that I can be sensitive to the needs, issues and hurts they have had from the world. Thanks.
6
The pronouns honestly seem more like something to use among your close friends and family, not with the general public. Your gender issues are your private business. I think most people support your freedom to be and do whatever you want, but they don't want to be forced to think about the fact that you feel like a man some days and a woman on others, every time they address you. That understandably makes a lot of people very squeamish and uncomfortable. The way to gain more acceptance is certainly not to force people to use brand new words they don't want to use to describe phenomena they'd really rather not talk about.
23
Why would only this man’s gender be a private issue?
1
It is ridiculous that language is so focused on gender, when in fact it only matters when the discussion is about procreation or something specific to anatomy or health and gender differences matter. Why should we say a man did this or a woman said that? Why not just a person? In romance languages, possessive pronouns reflect the grammatical gender of the items possessed, not the gender of the possessor ("ma maison" works for a male or a female owner of a house), but in English we use his or her. One could argue that it makes a statement more specific to identify the gender of the person involved. But how useful is it to specify that the person was one of billions of men or billions or men? Since languages evolve organically and over many years and attempts to impose changes rarely succeed (use of the term Ms. was artificially imposed and has only gained acceptance in writing), we're stuck with what we have. But it doesn't hurt to step back and get a perspective on our own language.
4
Yes, while some people feel grammatically or socially or religiously inconvenienced by the change from his/her to something like it/they/zer .. in our world of increasingly anonymous interactions (internet and teleworking) and increasingly well educated women and increasing interest in improving the mental health of young people by allowing them some exploration of say wearing a dress one day and manly garb the next ..
why are we using his/her she/he all time.
Does it concern you whether a commentator here is male or female
Do you need info on male/female say to decide if a colleague you have never met is an expert or a newbie .. or do you want to read their comment first
I hear a lot of complaints about PC also in terms of the sexual harassment training that was ubiquitous a few years ago.
In general, it should not put you out to listen to others express how they are interpreting what you say or do ... and then adjusting your behavior appropriately. Maybe directly in response to this article if you see what you think is a boy in a dress, maybe don't use pronouns, or maybe just be a bit understanding .. Maybe in response to being told not to say "my you look sexy today" to your female colleague, just maybe don't .. If she is pretty and works in a male environment (many of us do), she does not want to hear from every guy in the office how hot she looks .. ze probably just wants to be one of the people in the office and be respected for what ze does ..
2
I think the extreme polarization of sex roles/dress in our culture has made many uncomfortable to be either male (must look and act like Rambo) or female (must be cheerful superwoman in stilettos and false eyelashes.)
I hope you will find your way to self acceptance despite our toxic culture.
11
Thank you for this articulate insight into what it is like to be born to a gender nonconforming identity and for sharing your struggle.
2
There are facts, and there are feelings. One is a valid description of reality, the other is not.
There is no language, no special word, no special enlightened thought that will force others to accept your feelings as a description of reality.
38
I honestly don’t know what to make of this. Is the writer being entirely truthful? How can he, she, it, zi mean so much? Is a person‘s sexual identity the absolute core of a person‘s identity? I don’t think it is. I think our core is deeper than our sexual identity, which is so influenced by social constructs that we don’t always see. In all honesty, i would not want to be trapped in a lifelong struggle for my sexual identity. I’d be afraid that I was missing something truer and more profound about what it means to be a person - simply a person.
36
I'm glad the author figured it out for himself, but why does he feel it so necessary that the world "care at all" about how he identifies. To expect anyone to spend even a little of their day figuring out if you are a male, female or gender neutral today smacks of narcissism.
84
First, let me admit to suffering from naïveté and confusion re transgender.
What does it mean to be a woman or a man beyond one,s body parts? Hasn't our society evolved enough to not pigeonhole someone via gender? We have women in the military and male chefs in our kitchens. At different times in our history men were the decked out gender. What does wearing skirts really have to do with who we are?
I suppose it's who attracts us sexually, but how can one not know that? If it is not gender dependent, so what? Must we really have a label for that? It seems to me it's nobody's business except those with which one wants to be intimate.
A female mathematician who is a good cook, has replaced an aerial on her Prius, is out spoken, can sew if need be, and can fuss over decor, the color of the family car, and doesn't think about her gender when thinking about who she is unless dealing with an MCP.
12
Thank you. I think I've begun to understand why names such as "gender neutral" can be empowering. Before I read your article, I confess to feeling that the proliferation of new names for gender was just creating new categories to limit people to - no better than the old "male" and "female". I can now see that these names are helpful in showing people that we're not stuck with the traditional binary opposition.
I also really like the way that you point out that it's the people with power that are allowed to accuse the less powerful of being too sensitive.
9
Don’t confuse gender with gender identity. Gender is purely biological. You either have male or female reproductive organs (or in rare cases, a combination of both). The Left wants to pretend the biological differences don’t exist, which is to deny reality. You can’t come up with “new names for gender”. Gender identity, on the other hand, deals with ones preferences, regardless of their underlying biology.
24
@Cathex. Actually what you are talking about are the difference between "sex" and "gender". "Sex" is about biology. "Gender" is about identity. I also mixed it up at first as a medical researcher putting together surveys but learned otherwise from my colleagues.
2
No, this is all false. Biological sex is different than gender. Biological sex is not as binary as many believe, but it is also not meaningful - in that gender is the set of meanings assigned to a trait of biology.
2
This article should be read by all therapists dealing with transgender individuals. Just because someone doesn't feel comfortable in the narrow box of their gender doesn't mean they will be comfortable in the narrow box of the other gender. The helping professions are too quick to assume gender dysphoria should be treated by transitioning to the other gender, starting with hormones. It's a particular problem on college campuses.
Personally, I think the genders should be big tents so someone can be whomever they are or want to be without concern for the gender on their birth certificate.
59
My objection to this essay is that it reinforces the culture of taking offense where none was intended, and further, that it amplifies the competition among people who perceive themselves as "oppressed" as to who (or whose ancestors) have suffered the most.
Less important, but still significant, is the assault on grammar and the shaming of those of us unwilling to muddy the language further by making the meaning of formerly unambiguous pronouns "them" and "they" (third person plural) uncertain when there was already a perfectly serviceable pronoun, "one," that would have allowed for ambiguous gender without further damage to the clarity of language.
Understandably, this kind of posturing has generated a backlash among well-intentioned people who are tired of being scolded, and it has given the badly-intended on the right that much more ammunition to attack the "politically correct."
By the way, I write this as a gay male who understands discrimination personally, so please take a moment before assuming that I write from a position of heterosexual patriarchy. I want the same legal rights as has anyone else, nothing less, but ALSO nothing more. I do not think that beating people over the head for using well-intended words in their long-held meanings is the way to get and keep those rights.
That said, my wish is that the author overcome the limitations of West Baltimore, do well in life, and find happiness!
370
I am an editor. "Assault on grammar"? Come now. The singular they has been in use as an ambiguous/gender-neutral pronoun for centuries. Shakespeare used it. Coleridge argued passionately for it. If I said to you "my friend just called," you might very well respond "what did they say?" with no compunction whatsoever. Some grammarians over the years have recommended instead that we use masculine pronouns for all situations of indeterminate gender - many of those writers explicitly couched that recommendation in the reasoning that the "male" is the default or superior gender and therefore should be supreme in language - how is that an improvement from the singular they?
Certainly "one" is also serviceable, but would you rather that "everyone should do as he wishes" or "everyone should do as they wish"?
24
"They" has also been used as third person singular dating back to the 14th century, and was used by Shakespeare, among many others. (Although typically used for a non-specific person.) It is perhaps more common in British than American usage, but still is used in the US. It is also is very convenient and avoids the possibility of sounding pompous if "one" is used instead. (One also has more of a feeling of being first person singular.)
12
As a member of the male patriarchy I've been made aware of the unequal treatment given to many with the same legal protections that I have. Equal treatment by society is not the same as equal protection under the law. I am also aware that words I consider perfectly fine may cause offense in others and I will not use them. I would not say to them that they shouldn't feel oppressed because there are many who that have suffered more. I wouldn't tell them that they should feel lucky because they don't know what real suffering is.
9
Sometimes, when there is dissonance between how the world is and how we'd like it to be, it's appropriate to try to change the world. Other times it would probably be better to change something within. Our current culture has really embraced the "change the world" position and chafes at suggestions that a person would be better served by changing their perceptions of their own predicament. "We are not bothered by things, but by how we perceive them" (to paraphrase Epictetus). This bit of wisdom might come under attack today for emphasizing 'the victim' rather than 'the system', but sometimes that's the better road to correcting a problem. I don't think a society that has contorted itself to make everybody feel emotionally validated would really be a great thing. Some situations call for social change (civil rights! gay marriage!) while other obstacles are merely a part of one's personal journey. I am glad the author has gotten it sorted out for himself - it can't have been easy, and some people are just going to have it rougher than others.
People are very much caught up in identity these days. Funny how finding out that one is a "he" or "she" person is arguably the least interesting bit one can learn about them. How paltry the knowledge gained from those labels! If you want to develop an identity, start with exploring the contours of your genetic gift basket, and find out about your own values, morals and beliefs. There's so much more there to build an identity out of.
146
Beautifully written. Thanks so much for telling your story. Surely it will open at least a few minds, and hearts.
10
Yes, and probably JUST "a few."
2
Sorry Gioncarlo for your angst. But why did you put so much emphasis on a pronoun? If they called you Zi or Zer and then beat you up would that be better than calling you "he" and treating you like a he that lives a bit differently? It just a word for G-d's sake. I think kids are being pressured with too many decisions. Gender is now being made as important as choosing a major in school. I think we should let people live and love the way they want but really ... changing the language to fit to avoid "pain" is silly ... and just shows you that we are living in privileged times.
74
Language is a protocol decided on by people in a society.
What's wrong with slightly amending the protocol if it effects positive benefits? (If you're uncomfortable with the potential complexity increase, there's another way, which is to use the gender neutral pronoun "they" for everyone, which in fact reduces the complexity of our language.)
1
Be whoever you want, wear whatever you want, date and/or sleep with whoever you want, but don't ask me to customize the English language to accommodate your momentary personal whims.
Your hair was long. Your hair was short. You wore makeup. You didn't wear makeup. You wore a dress. You wore pants. You were "He." You were "She." You were "They." You were "Zer."
Newsflash: Nobody cares.
You can choose to be one person, or you can be a dozen different people every day, just don't expect me to arrange my life around your confusion.
Also: Why does the title speak of "P.C." language saving your life, while the essay describes confusion followed by comfort with the use of the traditional pronouns?
196
How mean and lacking in any sense of compassion this comment is. Those of us who were born with a standard conforming biochemical gender have a moral obligation to show some compassion and understanding to those whose lives must be extremely difficult because they were not born with that biochemistry. I can only imagine how difficult it would be every day to have a physical body that just doesn't seem to fit in with society. The commenter also didn't seem to read the part about the author being suicidal and it doesn't take a genius to understand that inclusive language helped the author to feel a little bit more part of society, which has been shown to be an important way to reduce suicidal thoughts. Shame on anyone who fails to try to put themselves in someone else's shoes and instead says that nobody cares. That is wrong. Many of us care and it makes us happier in our own lives to show compassion to others who are different rather than saying mean and judgmental things. We all will suffer and be on the margins, usually through our bodies' decline, in life at some point. Thank goodness there are many people in this country who are normal and healthy but take the time to show compassion toward those who are not.
8
I have no obligation to either feel or to "show" compassion, and I feel no shame for expressing my beliefs. For those who may not have noticed, the world is a fairly hard and unpleasant place, and none of us would get very far if we had to feel, and express, sympathy for everyone in it who has some sort of a problem.
If I do choose to show compassion, it will be for people fleeing their homes and leaving behind their murdered relatives and friends in places like Syria, Burma, and the Congo, and not for confused teenagers who consider suicide, but live to write columns for the New York Times.
And, please explain to us all which elements of "biochemistry" have been shown through research to cause "gender dysphoria" when they are not properly aligned. The fact is that different people have different likes, dislikes, and interests, some seemingly innate and others molded through experience. There is no need for anyone to claim a different "gender identity" in order to be the person they are, as defined by these characteristics.
10
Eric’s response perfectly captures a rational assessment of the situation, while Anon perfectly captures what it is to think like a snowflake.
6
I'm glad Mr. valentine's life has improved; but I suspect that he misidentifies the sources of his vexation and salvation.
Political correctness is, primarily, a term for a pronounced tendency of the extreme left to subordinate facts to political dogma. (The far right has a similar problem.) The PC desire to control language is largely secondary, a means to the end of controlling thought for political purposes.
It sounds like Mr. Valentine's problems actually sprang *from* PC--specifically the project of forcing an incoherent theory of transgenderism onto society. If Mr. Valentine hadn't been swept up in that fad, perhaps he'd have had nothing to recover from.
Political correctness is anti-rational, antiscientific, and illiberal. Case in point: liberal feminism has articulated a strong case that sex and gender need not go together in the ordinary ways--e.g. femininity in men is unusual, but not wrong. PC transgender mythology tries to reverse the progress by insisting that (e.g.) being feminine *makes* one a woman. This view is to some extent grounded in the abstruse, incoherent theories of Judith Butler--and flirts ever more openly with the antiscientific, indefensible denial of the reality of biological sexes. But PC doesn't *argue* for its positions: it advances them by shrilly accusing any who question them of prejudice--so it is unconcerned with rational defensibility. It weaponizes tolerance by routinely characterizing all disagreement as intolerance and hatred.
50
I guess I don't want to grow, at least not enough to create zi/zer, to replace he/she/it. I get why "it' doesn't work because it is the ultimate way to reduce a person to a thing. And I can cringe, but accept a plural to replace the singular if it makes someone happier.
But what we need to adapt is our thinking more than our language. The author shoots the argument he (now) is making by making it clear that he wasn't sure at one point if he was he/she/zi/zer - how could the rest of us know? We owe him more acceptance, fewer stares, and the anonymity most of us take for granted that no one is really paying all that much attention to us. We owe him the respect of treating him like a full person, not a freak.
But that isn't really a problem of pronouns. It is a problem with our actions and behavior reflecting a hard spot on our souls.
172
But language often leads to and directs actions and behavior. The language we use is not only the message - it becomes the reality.
I thought the author's experiences were a perfect example of this. Gender words, including pronouns, were used by others to define him - and insult and bully him - and influenced how he perceived himself.
4
"But what we need to adapt is our thinking more than our language"
We actually need to adjust our hearts.........
2
Indeed. Well put.
1
Valentine's language is the language of Orwell: Doublespeak. Interestingly, language in his view is designed to affirm what he wants at the expense of suppressing everybody else's speech. Sorry, Gioncarlo, you are male, whether you want to admit it or not, whether you take lots of hormones to pretend otherwise or not, or whether you mutilate your body to "transition" or not. And you are certainly not "neutral." And I will not be forced to deny reality out of political correctness.
60
Gender and sexuality are a little more complicated than you can perceive John. Study genetics or even anthropology or biology and get back to the rest of us when you're willing to admit that for some people, it's not that simple.
2
It's not as complicated as some activists want to make it.
5
Wonder what his birth name was? Interesting progression or perhaps more appropriately movement through self-identification.
3
Politically correct is a leaden, poor substitute for the simple sensitivity and kindness that everyone deserves. Nice piece.
13
The thing that kills me is that PC language was originally borne out of an attempt to be kind and considerate to all. But of course, we humans had to take it too far and start to use it as a bludgeon.
I still believe in its basic idea. As you stated, it's sensitivity and kindness. And I add, consideration of others. :)
1
Let's dump the term "politically correct" altogether. With its Gulag connotations, it does nothing to advance discourse.
2
This is a brave and bold statement of someone looking to find themselves in a social culture that requires a black-and-white (binary) slot into which an individual belongs. We in the U.S. boast about individual freedoms, yet we violently -- in physical, social, emotional -- react against someone who is still becoming who they're trying to be.
Language is our agreed-upon means of communicating -- and when that fails us, as it is doing on a daily basis, we become angry, confused, and righteously indignant, happy to exclude and punish the outsider who drove us to those states of discord. Gender has become a hot-button item, in part because our Victorian history has made sexuality such a taboo topic. And taboos eventually have to be broken.
Who knows, ultimately, why we have to take down those who are different, other than on the grand 'evolutionary' scheme of the tribe trying to cast out those who don't fit the standard type. But again, I applaud Giancarlo for the articulate and honest state of their difficult past -- and hope the future continues to get more positive for everyone struggling not just for acceptance, but love and compassion. We all deserve that.
30
The problem the author chooses to ignore is that the pronouns that would have made “his” life easier (zey/zer) aren’t ones that other transgenedered people would want to use. Look online, and you’ll find a long list of “pronouns” that transgendered or non-binary people have put together. How is anyone supposed to know what someone wants to be called? Some people even want to be called something different from one day to the next. That’s the problem with the endless micro-parsing of identity these days (especially sexual identity) it’s impossible to make anyone happy. It’s not simply a matter of being PC or not PC. It’s common sense.
99
Some staff at my university have taken to including "preferred pronoun" in the list of contact information beneath their name in e-mail signatures. Strikes me as a bit TMI.
8
"How is anyone supposed to know what someone wants to be called?"
By asking. It's not hard.
2
Instead of “he” or “she” and their variants, how about referring in discussion to someone by the individual’s NAME? Maybe it will be a bit harder to pigeon-hole the other person that way. It’s worth the awkwardness in matters of such importance.
18
Language is beautiful and ugly - it is truthful and deceitful - it is flattering and mocking - for everyone - and that includes the author - as a writer - how can he not know that?
P.C, language is simply a vain attempt to harness the incredible vivacity and creativity of language and chain it up.
As 1984 tells us: "The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better.” and most sensible folks say no - you can have both.
38
As far as the current hatred of so-call "PC" among a large number of our citizens, most of it seems to be a conscious desire to be as unnecessarily rude and disrespectful of anyone who they don't see as part of their immediate coterie as they want, whenever they want, and don't tell them they can't. Yes, this is a very small and unfragrant part of the grand ideal of "free speech." I won't tell these folks that they can't do this. Rather, I ask them why they're doing it and what good they think it accomplishes. I don't add, verbally anyway, that the glee caused by saying forbidden words seems to me a pretty infantile pleasure.
The founders, I'm sure—and no matter what they may have said about each other in private—had a more idealized version of "free speech" in mind, and hoped the citizens would use this right for reasoned discourse and purposeful argumentation, rather than name calling.
3
Well said, sir ...or Ma'am.
2
People talk about how progressive the new openness about transgender issues is, but I'm not so sure. For some people it certainly is, but in general I find it regressive and sexist. It seems like all the work to eliminate gender roles and teach young people that they can be anything they aspire to has been ignored. I have been told by a teenage girl that she must be transgender because she likes trucks (just like my daughter-in-law does). I'm sure there are also young boys who think they must be transgender because they like ballet. Such kids may (by coincidence) be transgender, but they are not automatically transgender (or gay) because they refuse to accept the opinions of other people about what roles their gender can act out.
309
Yes! And when gender "expression" is all about public presentation (long vs. short hair, make-up vs. none, etc.), it reinforces the very stereotypes that gender-non-conforming supposedly challenges. In the 1960s, men with long hair were mocked as looking "like girls," but as the expression of personal preference was more accepted, that lost force: they were just men with long hair.
14
Steve,
What I can say about my progressive community is that Gioncarlos are simply Gioncarlos as they have always been since my parents taught me to never judge a book by its cover.
2
I can see where you are coming from and agree with much of what you said.
However I would like to add that being transgender for instance also includes deep discomfort and pain at how their bodies don't line up with the sex/gender they truly feel they are. Also gender identity and sexuality are completely separate things.
I wouldn't be concerned for instance about that teenage girl. Just be supportive. She'll figure it out. I think that now gender identity and transgenderism itself are more well known in general that kids growing up are more apt to taking some time to figure that all out just like sexuality. My niece for instance for a while thought she might be agender, but a year later she felt that, yes, she's a girl. She's wondered if she's bisexual and lived her life openly as bi but now she thinks of herself as leaning towards heterosexuality.
I agree about gender roles. A girl who is a tom girl should never be told that she must be transgender just b/c too many people have calcified ideas of how each gender should be. She'll figure it out if she's trans, but also made to know that there's nothing wrong with liking "boy" things. Wish we would start so early on the idiocy of gender rolls with clothes and toys that are meant to be "boy" or "girl." Such things sink in early even though they are so wrong.
7
It’s not a coincidence that the people who are most often allowed to deem the world too sensitive and politically correct are the ones who wield power and privilege over others.
I think that is true. But I also think they are doing that to themselves also. They fear and try to obliterate that part of them that is beautiful and profound, that part of them that is similar to you.
25
Not very sympathetic to this line of thought, I'm afraid.
One's identity is centered on ethical and moral choices as a human being, not on what clothes, make-up and hair styles one chooses. Why is it that this type of article always spills so much ink talking about "dressing up". These are just the superficial trappings of gender appearance. What matter's is what's inside.
The invention of new classes of pronouns, or the introduction of "non-binary" to replace "transgender" is just evidence of an ever-evolving vernacular. Language is a communication tool - it's not deterministic to identity. That the emergence of mere words could alter one's perception of self worth is sad.
And the introduction of "people of color" and "people living in poverty" into the equation in the last sentence is a dishonest feint. Those groups already have plenty of words to rally around. What they instead need is more political consciousness, awareness that the system is rigged, and to get out and vote.
84
I dream of a world where people are born as human and nothing more. I see it much like the alien bar in Star Wars, no one batting an eye as different aliens mill about. How much more productive and peaceful would society be if every human could blossom as their own unique being, and no one would bat an eye.
11
The most important thing is to be comfortable in your own skin and not to feel shame when you look in the mirror. Once you know who you are, it doesn't matter so much what people call you or what you call yourself. I have no doubts that gender is really a spectrum and is not binary. I also believe we are biochemically placed on that spectrum and sometimes will have to make our own words and gender description.
This is not being politically correct, it is being a human being to accept people as their are, not what you want them to be. I wish the author the very best in their/his/zi journey through life.
117
"The most important thing is to be comfortable in your own skin and not to feel shame when you look in the mirror."
Agreed; but it can be very difficult to do when the world teaches you to be ashamed of what you are before you even realize what you are.
Example: it's common to hear "that's so gay" as a pejorative term among children. (Well, not only among children; but never mind.) So as a child you may hear, and probably even use, that term from the age of 7 or 8 on a regular basis, without thinking much about what "gay" means other than "messed up and wrong." Then, in adolescence, you may start to realize that this pejorative term applies to you... while continuing to hear it from your friends on a regular basis, applied to everything from a car that won't start to rules about cell phones in class.
And God help you (irony intended) if you grow up in a religious household.
Fortunately the "It Gets Better" project is still up and going.
https://itgetsbetter.org/stories/
1
Thought requires language. Language will never exactly match the noumenal universe. We sometimes become uncomfortable when it doesn't. But language can change to express improved conceptions, or we can continue to use black and white language even when it forces us into rigid thoughts and actions. The universe is a colorful place that none of us can ever fully appreciate. But isn't it interesting.
17
While I get that there were, in our once more traditional society, folks with dysphoria and a sense of not fitting in anywhere, I also wonder if we create even more of that with the current 'open' climate. It seems that gender has become very much one more thing that young people are feeling they must 'decide' or 'figure out.' I'm a boomer. For most of us there was no such question. Oh, sure, we knew that there were gays (I have a couple among my extended family) and the occasional person who didn't seem to 'fit in.' I'm glad for those folks that society is more open and more welcoming than it once was. That said, I also wonder how many struggling with gender issues are simply caught in the belief that they have to decide about gender - perhaps even young people who would never have questioned their gender identity a generation ago and gone on to lead perfectly contented lives in the gender to which they were born.
150
Are you saying that one of the downsides of trying to make the world livable for some of society's most vulnerable is that more people are going to have to think about stuff they didn't used to feel a need to think about, and that because this thinking can be challenging, we might be better off letting the most vulnerable die?
16
If openness and understanding of the non-fixed and non-binary nature of human gender identity has led to a greater number of young people exploring their own natures in an effort to know themselves better and to be their authentic selves, then this is a good thing, not a problem as you suggest. Your comment is steeped in assumptions that are easily proved false if you could step outside your own skin for a moment and realize that not everyone is like you. To suggest that there are more gender questioning youths now than in the past is to assume that everyone you've known grew up comfortable with the gender assigned to them and the expectations of expression and presenting oneself that gender entailed. You actually make clear this assumption, "for most of us there was no question." Do you also assume there are more gay people now than in the past, just because it's safer now?
You exemplify the author's point that those crying out about the travesty of a changing world are those most privileged and comfortable in the world as it was. You even go so far as to paint the world with a brush of your own experience, assuming everyone was better off before...well, except those few gays or occasional folks who didn't fit in, but there were so few them! They don't count! Surely it's better to pretend that gender is strictly binary and have only those few suffer than to live in a world where everyone grows up free to explore their own identifies in a safe and supportive world. Egads!
19
In other words, those who are simply caught up in the belief they have to decide their gender should just defer that decision to someone else? Whose lives would be contented?
It just seems that gender identity poses a threat to people have had gender conflicts, but submit to others to decide. That is where threats come from. People who just want an ordered world (according to them) should not sit in a chair and second guess anyone who sees the world differently. It is not helpful.
8