I am 60 and training to be a CNA in a long term care, skilled nursing unit. Elders need assistance. It's good work, and if anybody out there has the time and energy, please sign up!
26
Gratitude is a key ingredient for happiness. Many of the 85+ year olds in this article seem to possess an abundance of gratitude. Perhaps it is related to the fact many were born in the 1930s (as young children, they may have learned values about gratitude from parents who suffered during the Great Depression).
I am interested to see what happens in 20 years with the next generation of 85+ year olds (the Baby Boom generation). Will they also be happy and exude a sense of gratitude? Or will they feel a sense of entitlement and therefore anger at the gradual loss of independence?
18
Curious this article discusses the future only as it is focused on the elderly. Don't they have worries and aspirations for their children and grandchildren's future?
I'm 50 and likely 30+ years of life. However, I am horrified at the world I'm leaving behind to my daughter and her children: a nuclear armed N Korea ( Iran will likely follow N Korea's lead ); an emerging superpower in China; the rise of AI and machine learning which may render human work moot; the nonstop race to annihilate the earth through climate change; the fifth mass extinction; the rising income inequality; etc.
Perhaps these folks are optimists which may explain their especially sanguine outlook. Perhaps I'm just a pessimist but history tells me before the ship is pointed at the proper star, it is first misdirected somewhere else.
8
"Happiness"is a difficult emotion to define. It's been defined in many different ways by many different people similar to the saying: "What's one man's trash is another man's treasure."
I recommend a less robust word and concept :"contented", a word whose meaning is simpler; a concept that is longer lasting than the flash and dash of happiness.
Me........at 79.........I'm contented.
30
Love this story! It was uplifting and hopeful. Thank you and your marvelous friends.
12
"Want to Be Happy? Think Like an Old Person" I guess the author's middle name is Pollyanna. At 91 my father did indeed make puns for the nurses while on on his deathbed, but every day in the 2+ years since then, my 89-year-old mother has begged to die, even though she has a private apartment larger than mine in an assisted living facility.
20
Wait, these healthy, happy, interesting people are not driven by greed, "winning", defeating enemies, lying about achievements, covering up physical aging, aggressively lashing out, and eating junk food?
Isn't that the current prescription for 70 and over now according to the big boy in charge?
13
No elders in my family were ever happy. Ever. They believed they alone bore the burden of suffering and sacrifice. And they let everyone know. My last biological elder still living has - after hardships many people face - financial security, a loving spouse, a comfortable home and a passion for the environment. Not happy. Nothing is right. Everybody else is wrong. And still spits venom about the divorce 40 years ago from the now dead ex-spouse. It took me many years to free myself from a doomed, fear-based, everybody-has-it-better-than-me mindset and create an abundance-based thought process to know happy. Not all old persons think and are happy. But reading about those who are fills my heart with joy. I am older than I have ever been and happier too, a feeling I plan to build on as I age.
42
Having been passionate about - no, obsessed with - contemplative living, since my late teens, I remember trying to reorient my life toward That, which included contemplations of things like old age, sickness and death.
Now, in my mid 60s, death being an ever present reality, the sense of deep contentment and acceptance, while (paradoxically) being more passionate than ever about giving to others and to the world - it is so very clear what a gift it is to be older.
You may have heard about it when you were younger, but you can see it, crystal clear, not only do you not need anything to be happy, it is that very need that obscures the happiness and profound, quiet joy that is ever present.
I wonder sometimes, if I could tell my younger self what I have learned, would he be able to truly hear it? He knew all these things - at least, he had heard all of them already.
No, all of the detours and byways and failures were all absolutely "right" in their time and place.
This is true not only for individuals, but you can "see" it in villages and cities and nations and throughout the world. We learn what we need to at the right time and place, and it takes a long time (Confucius felt that he had just started to "get it" when he turned 60).
Bobby McFerrin's "don't worry be happy" is not as puerile as it may at first appear.
www.remember-to-breathe.org
17
Years ago when my father was in his 80's I would ask him "pop how do you feel" he would answer " woke up this morning and saw the ceiling and it was a good day then I got out of bed by myself it was a Very good day" Now as a Senior Citizen I can understand his statement and live by those words today.
23
I've always been something of a rebel and at this age - 86 - I find myself much
less in sync with things. I don't have a loving family surrounding me - lived an
"independent" life which I enjoyed and don't regret. I don't find anything good about being old - it sucks - and with the country in the state it is, with an idiot President, with the lack of respect for all I hold dear, if you have half a brain left you can't think this is an uplifting time to be alive in America. I try to be hopeful that this bizarre period in our history will evolve into something more decent and just, but I may not live to see it. We will need to be led out of this desert - it's almost biblical. Your 90 yr. olds are living a dream in my opinion.
34
I think a big factor that wasn't mentioned is financial security. As I left the work force, which I always struggled within to have a decent income, then got my SS, and then enough inheritance to last the rest of my days living frugally, clouds lifted.
I own my own home, free and clear. No job, no bosses, do a lot of volunteering. No worries, essentially. One can cope with a lot of problems if the wolf isn't at the door. One way or the other (SS, private pensions, savings), all of the six people here know that they have that security that frees one. Which on a larger scale, the democratic socialist nations in Europe understand.
I'm close to 72, so I'm not in that article cohort. I have that security I mentioned. I am healthy, I have a beautiful (much younger) fiance', she, too, has that security although still working. I am very healthy, and I am having the best sex of my life!
So, yeah, what's this about old age?
14
As someone older than dirt, I am extremely grateful having lived such a wonderful life. Our greatest fear is what the future holds, a future which is rapidly shrinking. There are more days behind us than in front of us. But those days can be the best years of our lives if we have our health.
It is said "Youth is wasted on the young". That does not have to be. I can recall even in my youth I realized how fortunate I was. This Actualization is the result of my parents. They never failed to convey how thankful I should be, no matter what age. I am an only child. Back then that was considered "weird". Some would perceive I was a spoiled child. Although I did have more "material things" than friends who had siblings, it was ingrained in me not to boast, gloat, not to "showoff". I was fortunate.
"Give me a Boy till he is Seven and I will give you the Man". I believe in that axiom. I continue to be grateful for my life. I am still in good physical shape, with the help of a Good Doctor. And this I know, unlike many of my elder peers, I have had the "good fortune" to not suffer like so many other seniors do.
I use the word "fortunate". Some equate "fortune" with wealth. They are horribly wrong. The current resident of the White House thinks this. He hasn't a clue. Being fortunate means so much more. It is reaching self-awareness, nirvana, a point at which you are contented with your life on this planet. Some wealthy folk will never reach this level. How unfortunate.
16
I have just turned 74 and am so happy to read this article. Looking forward doesn't have to be scary. These people all seem to enjoy what they have have in their lives, not what they haven't. I always thought it was the little things that count. This article is so life affirming, even at the end.
15
When I first met Faye Richman in St. Louis, she was wrapping my holiday gifts at a local mall for donations to her charity (B'nai Brith). Faye was half a foot shorter and a good 10 years older than her fellow senior package wrappers, and yet she stood out in the crowd for her vitality and ebullience.
I asked Faye, 88, what was her secret to living long and well. She didn't take but a moment to answer. "You've got to keep moving, honey."
18
Who in this,group is going to admit to anything but cheerful, happy thoughts. Read poetry for truth. Read the NY Times to maintain your illusions in tact. Americans have a right to happiness . Sadness is for losers.
8
Your story evoked my late father. He was 93, not well but completely cognitively intact. We were talking about the best way to die. I said "at 103 in your sleep." "No," he said, "not if you have something to do the next day."
21
Way to go seniors!! I'm 75 and more contented than I've ever been, though I still am prone to being depressed on occasion. But anyone young or old can occasionally "lose it," especially in a world being defaced by graffiti and The Orange Scourge aka Trump. The thing about old people as profiled in this article is their determination to hold on to the attitude that works best--a positive one. This comes from experience, right? Many of us also grew up on FDR, and songs like "The Best Things in Life Are Free," "Pennies from Heaven," "Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative," "The Sunny Side of the Street," "Zip-a-Dee Doo-Dah," and the most treasured, that sums up a life of beautiful memories, "The Way You Look Tonight."
10
Most people, especially young people, do not understand something that the folks in this article have learned - it so obvious and simple that the reality does not hit young people in the eyes and stare them in the face until it's too late to enjoy and relish the meaning of life, namely, that without health you have NOTHING, and that you only understand this when you have a bad day at the doctor's office, at which point your life changes at once, or never in the event you die suddenly without advance warning.
In America, it is like greeting a friend, a relative, even a stranger with the words, "How are you," and not absorbing its meaning, or sending a card that ends, "I wish you a healthy and a happy new year."
Happy new year to all in the article and everyone who reads this comment.
18
Make it a point not to be bitter, resentful and argumentative. You can control the way you view the world. Nobody wants to be around a sourpuss, including me.
15
Why can’t they put Ms Moses and Mr Zeimer in the same room together or next door to each other at least?
32
I’m approaching age 60. I hope to feel more positive and hopeful as I age, but right now I can’t see it. The world has become so tenuous.
Sadly, I have not seen a lot of good examples of latelife positivity in my own family circle. I have seen so much bitterness, regret, disappointment, substance abuse, and dementia that I am frightened of what old age holds for me. My grandpa was content, I think, in his last decades, but he was of a generation that aspired to more simple attainments. He never had to worry about access to health care, either.
9
John Leland, this article is a joyful gift. I smiled all the way through, and I'm smiling now. No kidding. I've bookmarked the page and will visit and reread it several times during 2018. And 2019. And 2020 (Trump willing).
Thank you!
7
I echo one of the writers who expresses that no matter how bad things are becoming. so what, he won't be around to deal with it. I am speeding toward the nadir of my life at still a very vital 69. I am so glad I don't have children to whom I would be leaving a decaying government, planet, and a myriad of other things. I lived in the best of times. Even at 69, I am ready for the ice flow. I have done enough, seen enough, etc. Congratulations to these elders for their attitude, but unless you are willing to take living or not into your own hands, you might as well cultivate a positive life.
6
My dad passed away in July, at the age of 95. He was a Brooklyn resident in the same apartment for 62 years, spent his childhood in the Bronx. I moved him to NJ a few years ago so I could be nearby to help. But he was a NYC guy through and through, and I wish he could have stayed there - it was the place he loved, NYC was his home. Your story made me think how my dad never had a bad word for anyone, never complained when the skills of daily living became so hard... you really nailed it with this story, thank you for it.
12
I’m only 89, living alone and content with memories and stuff that i’ve collected over the years. My family is not nearby, many of my friends have died. I would like to work part-time - I need the discipline and income. My husband died over 30 years ago, left me only enough for a 30 year bond that has matured. His schools will benefit from the principal. However I love my apartment with its partial view of the Hudson, the seasonal changes, my 2 trips to different parts of California to see my successful daughters and their wonderful husbands. The future will come and bring changes; now I will enjoy life, though I worry that I will see cuts in Medicare and Social Security.
30
My parents both lived until 90 and died a couple weeks apart. Mom first, then dad. They ate an average diet and had a healthy-sized Southern Comfort drink after every dinner. What they also did almost on a daily basis is swim. I think this gave them tremendous vitality which allowed them to lead independent lives, filled with pursuits and activities almost until the end of their lives. It’s the model I now follow.
17
I found that in my early sixties I started to have a 'short-timer's attitude' --- about life. When I would read something about this or that being the reality by 2050, I'd think, "well, I'll either not be around or I'll to far too old to care." Now, I'm a happy, contented, healthy, active 68 year old. I may live to 105. It's just that I've also been a realistic person - about life and death. Some of that distant future is beyond my life span and that's ok.
I embrace being "old" by acknowledging that that is what I am (though a 'young-old') with aches, pains, and stiffness on a daily basis - and though it may change month to month it is there far more consistently than it was 10 years ago.
My random access memory has become a bit more random, so when I can't think of a name or a piece of information I have no 'it's on the tip of my tongue' or 'it starts with' - I've simply got a good, solid blank. Since I also have a great sense of humor, such moments are more for a good laugh than for concern or stress - it'll come to me later (or there's always google).
Being a realist helps. We age. We can try to stay healthy and active so that we age well, but we cannot stop the clock. The choice is to be miserable and make those around us miserable or to embrace this life stage & live into and embrace the joys and interests and friendships we find along our way.
37
Anne-Marie Hislop: "My random access memory has become a bit more random, so when I can't think of a name or a piece of information I have no 'it's on the tip of my tongue' or 'it starts with' - I've simply got a good, solid blank. Since I also have a great sense of humor..."
You do, indeed, have a great sense of humors. Thanks for sharing it - I laughed out loud when I got to your good, solid blank.
3
I am crying laughing at your comment about your memory-no tip of the tongue moments, just a good solid blank. lol!!! If I am lucky, sometimes it’ll come to me later-usually too late. But it’s a relief to know the information is still rattling around in there somewhere.
3
The stereotypical traditional nursing home experience is fortunately being replaced (albeit it in varying degrees depending on your locale) by more varied support mechanisms and facilities that embrace the continuum of care older adults may need or seek as they progress through their later decades. Hopefully, this will allow more people the chance to live life to its fullest (as they define it) every day that they remain with us.
9
Really enjoyed the article, but I'll propose an alternate theory. I've known both positive optimistic, octogenarians and cranky, complaining ones. So I don't think it's necessarily true that older people are happier. Perhaps it's that those with a positive outlook, live longer as a result of their healthy attitude and that's why there are more of these good people still here.
One of my oldest friends is 96, blind, a cancer survivor and has outlived a son (murdered) and a granddaughter(died of lupus). But somehow he wakes up everyday with a smile and a laugh. He's active in his church and has won awards for his artwork (done blind). I think these role models are probably in the minority but live longer because of their wonderful outlook on life.
26
Each Tuesday I attend a Pastel And Oil Painting class where the teacher Jack, is 93. One of the newer students in his class is his friend Irving who is 96 years young. What a lesson we (15 students) have learned from these two gentleman. Humor, kindness, spirituality is so pivotal in their lives. Although I am increasing my education about Pastel Art, I find that I am learning more about the art of aging gracefully, developing a passion later in life, and contributing to others that is the true basis for a life well lived.
32
I am blessed with a wonderful, loving 94 year mother. She has some physical challenges but she remains upbeat and practices gratitude. It’s her love of life and thankfulness that gets her through each day plus a love of pasta and crossword puzzles. What the world could learn from from these ambassadors of life.
17
l am 83 years old immigrant from middle east and a proud American from 1960, l have cancer, a bad heart, a bad right lung, l am loosing my left eye but l still live all by myself , my chose , l walk all most every day 3 to 5 miles , l swim play with my grand kids, and l am not scare from death, l thank god that l am in America and l am living like a human been, l know the other side, Trump or no Trump we are having a good life in this country, l wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR and NYT is the best
173
akin caldran, thank you for a wonderful post. May you, too, have a Happy New Year.
Patricia
6
Over 90 and, luckily, in good shape, I would probably feel miserable if I thought like an old person.
True, I no longer sweat the small stuff and there's a lot to be said for that. But young people have
futures to contemplate and this makes all the difference. Physical and financial considerations aside, curiosity is one of the greatest assets anyone can have.
36
Great way to end the year. I cried when the one woman showed the picture of her and her husband on their wedding day.
9
The moron that came up with, "your golden years" must have been in his 20's and, I can guarantee you, you don't want to know what I think.
7
At 92, my father is a kind, gentle, intellectually engaged soul despite his physical frailty. In contrast, my mother at 91 has become even more controlling, mean, and shallow. Both have long been remarried to other partners, and the differences in how they have aged serves as a lesson for me. It seems you have a choice when growing old: you can nurture openness and caring in yourself despite increasing vulnerabilities or you can clutch your ego-centered desires in a death grip. It's up to you. I'm working hard to follow my father's path.
49
Think like an old person? Seriously?? I say think like a 20 year old when you are old to stay young.
4
There is absolutely nothing good about being old. The process of ageing is about rot, decay and misery.
8
You should be content at 90. Not at 25 or any other age up to 90. The young are supposed to be discontent. It’s how the world moves forward. It motivates us to do more and stay vital. Complacency is stagnation.
15
Ah, the annual, feel-good, didactic, "Lessons from Our Elders" article.
I'm glad the subjects of this series have medical care, a safe place to live, and families who care about them. Many do not.
And I really don't need to read, for the nth year in a row, that the key to happiness is forced optimism and not sweating the small stuff. These elders are lovely, but this piece is a cliche.
14
I'm guessing you will be even crabbier when you age. Bah, humbug.
4
It seems that resilience and optimism are important qualities to bring into getter older. I believe that resilience includes being inner directed and making decisions about one's own life and aging. It means not depending on some outside force to get us through. Here in the bible belt it is all about religion as a crutch that can excuse everything and that people truly believe is the reason they survive. It does not always work. It was interesting to see that religious fanaticism was not found in this article. Around these parts it would have been first.
21
I lost an old and close dear friend, despite the distance that almost always kept us apart. I mean geographical distance, since he lived in New Jersey and I live near Rio de Janeiro. He was 94 when he died this year and we met 20 years ago, when we were both traveling with our wives in Chile.
Albert was a shy, though humorous guy, difficult to approach at first, but a wholehearted friend after a while. While he could, he was always reading and discussing about the world, the science and politics. He was sad sometimes - he was never a Trump voter - but was always eager to embrace things that he thought could help improve the world and that he could do. Furthermore, his love for Lillian, his wife, was unquestionable and he was always showing it in the little acts of everyday life.
I am 56 and I wish I can be like him in my old age, if it comes. When I read this report about older people, I could not avoid remembering him. And I thought it would be a proper place to write about him and pay my tribute. I know that his son, Martin, who also became my friend, share the same sense of loss.
R.I.P., Al. I miss you, my friend.
49
Think like an old person: We are in our second childhood and have amassed enough experience to know what's worth the effort and what's not. And we're free to do as we please because we've earned our independence.
1) It is worth it to have an extra income without working every day for it. My job is to keep my two apartments in good repair so that I can rent them as high as the market will bear. That includes my own apt in which I rent a suite with a share bath/kitchen--a young grad student lives with me. Now that I've gotten the mortgage and utilities covered...
2) Wear your old rags around the house and dress only to go out. It preserves your "good" clothes over the years. I have no recollection of the last time I spent anything for new clothes. I don't need any, and I have three pairs of shoes--two dress shoes and one gardening pair. Some day, one or the other may wear out and need replacement. Affordable because I ...
3) Find bargain entertainment at nearby colleges. Seats for symphony and opera at a nearby college cost $10 or might be free. All faculty recitals are free. Many are held on Sunday afternoon.
4) Get outdoors and enjoy that fresh air every nice day of the year. Realize you get great exercise raking the lawn, digging in the veggie garden, walking to the grocery, and otherwise getting the heck out of the house. (Yes, I rake the yard while wearing my "rags"!)
5) If you live alone, talk to someone at least once per day.
77
"If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by." - Sun Tzu.
33
Good to see that the elderly in the USA are so resilient thanks to the allout denial of poverty and an utterly miserable health care system. Anything better than the socialist ideology of most European countries, right?
23
This article reminded me of two people I knew who gave up entirely when they had to go to a nursing home. They went into a depression and soon died. One refused to eat or speak to her family she was so distraught. Hope I can remain as physically resilient as those in this article. My daily prayer usually includes one for inner peace. If I'm destined to navigate into the 80/90 decades I want as much calm and emotional strength as possible.
14
Attitude is one huge aspect.
Health is another -- physical, mental, emotional.
Financial security, or stability -- an enormous pillar in the whole outcome.
These factors certainly impact the other, can work in synergy or not.
Family is the wild card. Will they, can they 'be there' for an elder?
(Or if one didn't have a family ... that's an entirely different set of circumstances.)
I follow this series and root for these people ... yet agree with 'Catharine' below, this is not a typical set of 'old-old.'
13
Live in the moment.
Look ahead with anticipation.
Look back with forgiveness.
48
These are remarkable examples of those who refuse to go 'gentle into that good night'.
However-survival & quality of life is contingent on more than tenacity...it's also having the good fortune of devoted loved ones to help navigate through a failed long term care system in New York State & especially in NYC. As well, a few bucks makes plenty of difference. Let's get real.
The mean vagaries of aging too often rely on our embarrassing health care system & the NYS Dept of Health which is one of the most reprehensible agencies to claim stewardship over the frail and vulnerable.
Nursing homes run by predatory owner/operators continue to be licensed by the shameful Public Health and Health Planning Council in Albany. Cuomo appointees. The same Nursing Home Operators which continue to overmedicate their patients...understaff their facilities...& 'reward' NYS with the claim of statistics showing that we are at the top of the list for bedsores-a menace to survival-continue to get certification for more places they run down. Yet the same folks keep getting licensed...the same people who buy non-profit financial troubled facilities -shut them down and turn them into luxury housing.
We have little to no outrage here in NY...we love these heroic stories-& why not? We are lulled into a kind of hopeful complacency that when our time comes...or that of our own aging loved ones-we'll figure it out.
No- the system needs cleaning...an overdue wake up call is needed.
38
I agree with the comment that these old people have secure lives. I am 72 and I think I could have been happier when I was younger if I had the freedom and security I am enjoying now. No hated job. Good friends. Good food cooked for me. Sleep whenever I wish. I like to write stories and novels, so I get with other writers to discuss our work. All I miss is sports I have gotten too feeble to do anymore. "Do what you like" is a powerful recipe for happiness. It would be a very different existence if I were cold, lonely, and hungry, as many old people are. Or if my well-educated mind did not provide me with ongoing riches. My mind gives out more slowly than my body, thank goodness. Conclusion: these are very good years for me, too.
29
I have two elderly parents who are not aging well and this article is so incredible not the whole story about aging. "feel good" articles like this are low brow and insulting to readers. It just is not the whole story. I am sincerely thrilled for these older folks who remain positive, etc. BUT geez it is galling to many of us who are grappling with aging parents who arent having a unicorns and rainbows experience in their 80s. Galling.
33
you are correct! everyone thinks their parents are going to be like Betty white and George Burns!!! yes some people do blissfully slip off, but the vibe of never aging, never needing help is contributing to a myriad of problems with seniors. it's usually so upsetting to adult children to have to step in that they avoid, avoid, avoid! as far as "respect" goes, if you are dealing with an impaired senior in their 80s or 90s, giving you a hard time, think back? did they say "no" to you when you were four years old?
7
These wonderful elders made me happy, just that, happy. Their positive outlook and will to live the best life possible filled me with hope and joy. May they be blessed with good lives, they are points of light in the world.
12
A friend of mine in Florida who just turned 93 decided in the summer not to replace her pacemaker. According to her son, she sleeps a little more every day and their morning walks are getting a little shorter. But it looks like she’ll make it into the new year.
Makes me wish I had a pacemaker so I’d have more control over deciding when I want to leave.
22
The people in the article are down to earth. No pie in the sky ideas about what life should be giving them. They accept what life is giving them.
It sounds simplistic but we are all going to die eventually. Why fight it? Live the best we can here and now.
A student of mine told me that I was getting old. I responded that the first breath he took was one breath closer to the grave. That kept him quiet for awhile!
11
Part of aging happily is continuing to maintain social connections. When one's hearing degenerates, without great hearing aids, our aging population will disconnect socially and depression and other challenges ensue.
I've never understood why hearing aids are so minimally covered by insurance and/or are SO EXPENSIVE. It's a downright shame on these for-profit companies to not respect our elders by enabling them to affordably buy hearing aids.
62
Not cheap, but more reasonable by far: Costco for hearing aids.
Yes, you have to pay the 'membership,' but still a relative 'deal.'
Also, some Medicare Adv. plans now cover some or all of the cost of hearing aids.
Just sharing this random info, in case of some help.
16
It's the shame of our country that eyes, ears, and teeth are not considered parts of the body....ya know what I'm sayin'?
What is good health care if the teeth are not also covered? Sight? Hearing? Mobility appliances? How about the brain, in its role as body and mind regulator?
13
In response to jazz one: Thanks for the Costco tip for hearing aids. In anticipation of my job ending today ( which it did) I got new hearing aids at a cost of $6000 minus work and a health care subsidy plus government assistance leaving me to foot a bill of $4000. I'll submit the bill as medical expense for income tax purposes and am thankful I could afford the aids. Hoping these babies last me 10 years; but what then? On retirement income I sure can't afford a big ticket item like that. How do seniors who are only subsisting on a pension make do? Sadly, they may give up being able to hear...a sure slide into cognitive loss and depression.
It's a sweet story, thank you. God bless the people featured in this article, may they live many happy years in the company of friends and loved ones. I remembered my grandma while reading this story. May she rest in peace.
11
Do not COUNT on being happy if you think like an old person. I am one. You may "think" happy, but the pain you live with, daily when you are old, cancels out most if not all of the "happy"....
14
84 is my expiration date. I hope I go out shoveling a huge snowfall with the sun shining. I will never end up in a home for the infirm, not if I can help it.
20
These people are certainly an inspiration but not I think, the norm. As has been noted in other responses, none are living in soul deadening nursing homes, stuck in front of a communal tv, and wearing diapers.
My mother took her life at the age of seven eight. She was not ill, or in any way incapacitated, she was physycally vigorous, had a full social life and a sharp wit. She was in fact a hedonist. She told me not long before she died: 'You know I hate old people and have no intent of becoming one of them'.
I recently turned 71 and do not have a rosy view of aging. I feel that my body is betraying me. Inside I feel that I am forty but apparently my left hip was not on the same plan and had to be replaced. My shoulder is now giving me problems. I am an active person and do not look forward to decaying bit by bit.
I would not contemplate living just for the sake of being 'alive'. Being alive means enjoying life. No dreary facility for me!
I too worry about the world my kids and grandkids will inherit.
21
Actually, at 85 and up, only 11 percent of Americans live in nursing homes or similar facilities and almost two thirds say they don't have trouble caring for themselves. So there's hope!
This is not to say there won't be loss and decline. But we have some sway over how we process this loss. As an instructor of mine says, Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
23
[[Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.]]
Kudos to you for that wonderful adage. Ever since I learned the Lamaze Method of breathing through the pain of natural childbirth, I have taught it to emotionally disturbed children, and I have continued to practice it for arthritis in my hands, shoulder, upper and lower back, and ankle. As long as my physician says "It's only arthritis," the pain is bearable.
5
Since you "hate old people", why should senior citizens follow your advise?
Thank you for this beautiful article. I work in healthcare, and I’ve learned so much just watching elderly patients sit on their bedpans! They are serene with the wisdom only time, and experience can bestow! They are playful in a way children can never be! It’s true what ‘tis often said, that old age is a gift to the recipient, and the beholder.
6
Is it necessary to "watch old people sit on their bedpans"? What about basic privacy for nursing home residents? Actually, I don't understand why incontinent patients are not fitted with tubes like icu patients, because it would solve a lot of hygiene problems.Other than that, don't see your comment as being in the least senior friendly, frankly.
10
My hero is my friend who is 100. She lives alone (her daughter lives nearby) and that's how she likes it. I'm 20 years younger and enjoy life, being with my 5 great grandchildren, my son and the grandchildren that live near. Being with friends, reading, keeping up with Trump and contacting politicians, all fill my hours. Oh yes, I continue to draw, paint and photograph. Like the people in this article, I continue to live well.
16
John Sorenson's last days thanking everyone makes me think of an elderly friend of mine who died in hospice in April. Much of her last days were also spent thanking everyone, which surprised me at the time. Perhaps we don't realize how much we have to be grateful until the very end. I hope to do better and will make that one of my New Year's resolutions (I'm only 63).
26
Four years ago, I spent an afternoon with my Dad, his two sisters, and their husbands. Combined age: 444 years. They laughed, reminisced, gently teased each other, and showed what I can only describe as a wise, bemused acceptance of life's ups and downs. It was lovely and inspiring. (They got in a couple of rounds of Wii Bowling, so it was funny as well.)
10
There is one main part of this story is, in my opinion that these people were always interested some culture, may it be music, theatre, books.
One does not acquire this at retirement, I have always had interest and 83 yrs young continue.
My weekend plans, Saturday afternoon at the Opera, Sunday Peace concert St. John the divine, Monday Philharmonic.
Yes you slow down but your mind must always be occupied, lesson one and very important to any age so life will be great at retirement
ENJOY life from on set not just at retirement.
26
Actually, if one loves reading, history, languages, any music other than rap, and would like to find friends who share those interests, one is going to have to consider at least visiting an assisted living community or nursing home on a regular basis. Because no American under 65 is even remotely knowledgable or interested in ANY of these topics.
1
Not true! Look at the success of The Great Courses Andy the MOOCs
But not like an old republican!
10
The article addresses, above all, the fears of younger people (like myself —mid-50s). Because of our own fear (and disgust) surrounding death and older people, we stereotype and marginalize—but also celebrate those who can do youthful things (write a book, etc). People like those in the article show that old age can be uniquely fulfilling. Others, who need more help, depend on a system devised by a society in the throes of denial. Also: my own elderly parents are living a nightmare, not being blessed with the emotional resources they need now more than ever.
9
"So ends another year for four members of New York’s oldest old: not with a whimper, but with small joys to ease their aches. Each lost a little and moved a year closer to death, as we all did. But each welcomed another morning, the start of another year to come. All had beaten the odds just to get this far.
As Ms. Willig said, “You think we’ll make another year, you and me?”
Yes indeed. Ain't it the truth. Thank you, John Leland.
21
I just turned 65 on Christmas Day so compared to the people in the article I'm a young whippersnapper. But I have already had my share of difficulty to make me older in spirit. At 60 I was forced out of a job I loved and did very well due to office politics---and probably the fact that I was getting old. I do have a comfortable retirement though and recently married a woman 25 years my junior and took on her three kids---instant family so to speak.
due to a chronic skin problem my right foot has been deformed into something like a club foot. The doctors tried to fix the underlying problem but never found a cure. surgery to fix the problem is no longer an option. A new therapy may come along so I wait but right now amputation of the right leg about halfway between the knee and ankle is the only choice---one I told the doctors was out of the question unless absolutely necessary. So I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I've also been certified as a Master Curmudgeon and even printed up a certificate for myself. I have a cat who is at least 15 years old---105 in human years and I am studying at its feet to learn the secrets of life. The cat doesn't bother about a lot of things, knows what it's supposed to be doing and does it. Likes to take it easy, eat and sleep and stay clean and ocassionaly play with me or its catnip mouse.
Sounds like a plan to me for the rest of my life as I try my hand at writing.
Thanks for the help Kitty Cat.
40
Cats are wise teachers of the art of living gracefully. Their needs are minimal and essential - sunshine, safety, affection and sustenance. Their grace and calm is inspiring.
7
I wonder about the nursing home where Ms. Moses and Mr. Zeimer live. Surely, the staff and administration knew of their close relationship, so why would they be separated when the building was renovated, making it harder for them to be together? It's these kinds of little cruelties that I dread about nursing homes. I hope I do not live long enough to have to go into one.
88
Good point. When I was visiting my lover in his assisted living place, we were sitting and talking, holding hands, with, gasp!, the door closed. An aide opened the door and instructed us that we must keep it open. I was incensed.
My friend died a few months later. How sad that some people in these institutions fails to understand the need for being touched, held, loved as long as we are alive.
67
Great point. They needed different levels of care, and when their wing closed, there wasn't a good place for them both.
9
The problem with nursing homes stems from the medical model where the staff "know best". Mostly, they treat the residents as a mild annoyance who are interrupting their work. They have it backwards.
The staff should see their role as serving the clients whose home it is. The staff work for the residents, which is where their salaries come from, not some shareholders. The residents should have a council and establish the direction of services. We should help empower them to be in control of their lives.
7
Today our nation is run on a financial democide model.
Mainly, if you have money you do not suffer as much and get medical care.
Everyone else dies prematurely from easily preventable medical problems and living in squalor with constant suffering, very often alone and in pain.
The only way to life a long, happy life today is to be a millionaire or have a small army of family members who can look after your every need.
There may be some exceptions but not many.
51
I liked your article and its message. At 80, I am now free from some anxieties and envies that once bothered me. However, we are all different. We survivors who are financially OK should still do what we can to help others and should avoid segregation by age. That's my message; I reject the idea that aging is a disease. We are the products of evolution that made us keep pushing, often for selfish and foolish goals.
I do what I can and accept my limitations.
24
In the US, youth is celebrated, and old folks are put in a bracket at old age and separated from the community. Look at other cultures, where old people are respected for their knowledge and advise to the younger generations. Becuase they are the eldest in the family, they get the most respect. Why dont we include them in all parts of your life....these are the human libraries that we can learn so much from.
44
It is because we live in a highly narcissistic, disposable society.
15
My friend, Beverly is 82, 83?? and I always tell her I want to be her when I grow up. Her condo is across the street from the Metro Market and on the bus line. That’s a good thing since she takes the bus to volunteer at the League of Women Voters and at the Unitarian Church each week when she doesn’t walk the five blocks. She literally accosted me at the Metro Market to sign up for the League and later introduced me to her hairdresser (the fantastic “Thomas”) who keeps her hair blonde and in a page boy. (Thomas and I talk about her every time I go.)
Through Beverly I learned about the “On the Issues” lectures at Marquette University and “Early Music Now” concerts (attended by sell-out crowds and sponsored by Wisconsin Public Radio) that were started many years ago by her 90 year-old friend Thallis. (Incidentally Thallis’s late husband started the Milwaukee Community Sailing Club, another democratic - small ‘d’ - institution in Milwaukee open to all.)
My text inbox has pictures of her beloved young relations from around the world; Galia in France at 4 appears wise beyond her years with her grandmother’s knowing look. And then there are the lyrical text messages (it is hard to imagine a better writer) to soften my strident take on our dysfunctional political duopoly.
Beverly is my guide to the years ahead and an amazing friend I can’t live without now. Thank you, Beverly. Luv luv, Ann
47
Mind over body is something we all need to learn and will as we age. The shame is we have to grow old to accept this reality. I trust the strength, fortitude and like it or not luck to bail is still with me when the time is right. No nursing home please.
5
First of all, it is very good and important to have news stories that humanize and explore the dimensions of aging. We need more.
Nevertheless, the Times needs to watch its (unconsciously) ageist language. There is no typical "old" person (in fact, cohorts increase in diversity as they age) any more than there is a typical Muslim, black person, or woman, etc. So to entitle this piece "...Think Like an Old Person" serves to perpetuate the stereotype of the older among us as as "Old", with all the attendant qualities assigned to that category.
Please relate this perspective to your style editor!
48
@Peter Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. A stereotype is still a stereotype, even when on the surface it seems to be a positive stereotype. And condescension is still condescension.
22
Once in the category of “old”, you are forever separate. People talk to you in louder voices, and often, simpler words. Or, just talk to whoever is with you, not to you. They call you young lady, dear, or hon. Amazed that you are able to understand anything! I take care to conceal my age as much as possible. Obviously this does not succeed at the doctors office. It’s a full time job, to live a little longer, but heck somebody’s got to do it!
6
This article is a gift, and in my experience of elders, rings true. One of the key lessons is that we should all spend more time with those who are in this age range — it will certainly benefit us, hopefully them, and maybe even society as a whole. Honor the elders!
15
If you have your memory, that is really most of what you can ask for; dementia and Alzheimers are what robs many elderly folks from moving more comfortably into their later years. Everyone was young once; if we can remember this, and honor our elders, this would be a better world. I fear the world has become more impatient and less accepting of aging. Articles like this help us in recognizing that just because folks have wrinkles and their bodies are not young anymore, it doesn't mean that someone is less of a person--rather, more so in my book.
23
Alzheimers can be a cruel disease, and there's a reason we fear it. It makes some people miserable. But not all.
People with dementia rate their quality of life much higher than their proxies do, according to a 2010 report by the British Mental Health Foundation, which surveyed forty-four people with dementia about their lives. They judged their quality of life by what they did—spend time with peers or family members, challenge themselves intellectually, enjoy nature—rather than by what they lost. They didn’t think dementia was the most important thing about them.
As the researchers reported, “dementia may not affect a person’s quality of life in respect of emotions, feelings and mental well-being in ways that one would expect.” Even as the disease advanced, their assessment of their quality of life remained unchanged. What’s clear is that dementia lessens the quality of life for many patients’ caregivers, and that these are the people whose voices we most often hear on the ravages of Alzheimer’s and other dementias.
8
Yes, it sounds promising, hearing from the survivors. Maybe luck has something to do with it too? Or maybe this sample seems to represent an editorial bubble of those fortunate enough to have avoided disability and the hazards of "care" in sub-standard if not dangerous nursing homes. Led with a simplistic self-help style headline, it does not dare mention the reality of growing old and infirmed in a nation that now competes with the third world for shortened life expectancies. Our failing health care system, with its maze of for-profit private health insurance and overly prescribed pharmaceuticals is built primarily upon avarice rather than evidence based quality of care. This is no longer geared towards happiness, in my opinion, but towards depopulation.
28
I can’t believe what shoddy reasoning is going on here. Old people have different mindsets and are happier than younger people, so younger people just need to adopt an old person’s mentality to be happy like them??
Some of the quotes from old people make clear how much of a leap this is. “I don’t look at the price when I go shopping. If I like it I buy it. But when I was young something was too expensive I couldn’t buy it.” Would anyone advise a young person with a family to live like this?
And the “matter-of-fact resilience that would shame most 25 year-olds”? Could this not be because old people are ready for the end of their life? I can’t see that being a healthy mindset for a younger person.
The paradox of old age is a genuinely interesting phenomenon but I really don’t think it implies that young people can be happier by thinking more like an old person. Their life circumstances are too different.
47
I agree with the philosophy and lived experiences the writer highlights; however, having worked in a low-income nursing home (two to a room, only one gets the window view, four to a small bathroom with toilet and sink; underpaid CNAs too busy or sometimes too lazy to get people to bathroom or changed; overworked nurses and doctors too busy to explain meds; pervasive urine and feces smells; and really boring repetitive activities) as a chaplain, I see the folks in the article as lucky. Where I worked often no family or friends visited. On the other hand, my husband was a chaplain in a very expensive facility and their situation was almost opposite. This is unfair. Now I volunteer to visit in a low-income rehab nursing home and I see and smell the exact same situation. Please go visit those people!
165
Meg, From my point of view, you are talking about the value we put upon money in our culture. Money is our primary value. If you have money whether you are an infant or on your death bed, you will get good, standard, clean, loving and comfortable care. Without the money, there's not much loving. Compassion is so low on our list of values, we discount it. It's a value for softies. Tough guys go for the bucks. When we debate health care, the debate is ALWAYS about how much it will cost, NEVER about how caring our caring will be for the sufferers, the patients (patient is an old Latin word for sufferer). So, we're living our much vaunted Amerikan values. Maybe if our grand children are smart, they'll do something to change those values and make compassion primary. We are supposed to be a Christian, God loving country, so how about it?
53
Could circumstances you described be improved with more automation/robots etc doing routine physical tasks, since CNA's are overworked?
3
We do that now. A Japanese robot called Paro will comfort you without needing the human touch. There are others. There will be more. They are all cheaper than thee and me.
7
I visit my mom twice a week at her 'independent living' place. I eat lunch with her companions who are all 80 on up. Aging like life is a deck of cards that you are doled out...you never know how it will be for you. This essay though heartwarming and positive focuses only on those that are not truly infirm or who have lost their minds to dementia like my father did. I try and focus my mom and what is positive about her life now, that in some ways she is much better off than so many older folks who have no family that visit them or who are worse off. Iam 65 yrs old and in some ways much happier and content than when I was 30. I find aging to be freeing in some ways, letting go of so much stupid baggage that I carried around when I was younger...its just too bad that as my mind becomes freer my body doesn't, I see my own physical limitations now and wonder how it will be for me if I reach the 80's and further, particularly when I have no children that will help me navigate my old age...all I can hope for is when the time comes is to maintain some positive attitude and die quickly.
72
Not one to make New Year's resolutions, I instead make a life resolution: Be a Jonah Mekas to the very best on my ability!
25
I totally reject this advice. I’m not old but I know that, like everybody else, I am getting closer with every passing day. Nature does not care for me or for anybody else and aging is a painful, depressing and humiliating process that robs you of beauty, vitality and if you are unlucky, your wits as well. Aging is a disease and I am counting on science to cure it, just as it cured the plague, smallpox or syphilis. Until it happens, the only way to age well is to fight every step of the way. I am planning to work in my field until the day I day (fortunately I can). I am planning on having cosmetic interventions when they become necessary in order to keep my looks. And like my grandmother who died at the age of 96, I am planning to think of myself as young until my last day.
10
I don’t agree that aging robs us of our beauty. I have seen 90 year old women far more beautiful than a 20 or 30-something and they do it without the aid of smooth skin.
16
I suspect, Mor, you are too young to know, to have experienced all the colors, the sounds, the smells, the joys that come with every year. Invest in that flow of change, enrich your life. If you do that investing, you'll live a contented life. Otherwise? Best wishes.
13
My joys come from creativity, which is the eternal struggle against time, entropy and decay. As the great poet Dylan Thomas said:
"Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
Going with the flow? Accepting what nature dishes out to us without trying to correct her mistakes? Be like animals in the pasture who live and die without trying to shape their own fates? No, thank you. Best wishes with that.
1
At 90.I share the view of these men and women. I do not like the term "senior citizen." Just include us. Do not put us out to pasture. Save a place at the table of life. We have lots of miles on our old models. With luck, you will too.
109
A wonderful article.
I am pushing 70 and live alone - but have been by myself for many years.
As a professional in the oil patch - have lived in many places. And the industry has been good to make my life comfy.
I do not work any more but with good health - travel a lot.
Have developed my own app (it's free) that documents my travels and folks use it as a forum for travel tips etc.
I have my own channel on YOUTUBE that I call NEILTUBE.
It has over 4,000 videos - all travel - all about 2 minute long each. They have been viewed over a million times and I get feedbacks which are always interesting.
This keeps me busy and in contact.
My hope is to leave a sizeable grant with someone to keep my app alive and then get it adopted by someone else.
Like these folks mentioned here - I rarely look back at misfortunes and keep myself focused on positive and what I can achieve.
If I can do this for next few years, I will then be happy to meet my Maker.
36
You are lucky. And smart. Many people have no opportunities to improve their lives or they have had no role models. We also think of them.
12
bravo to brilliant Kerouac author for this greatness.
1
There is a country song about how everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. Christians have a real hope of a better and eternal life after death but because the Bible is short on specifics about what heaven is like even many devout Christians fear death. For example the Bible never speaks about the reunion of loved ones in heaven even though you hear much about that at funeral services. When one dies he immediately loses all his support systems; family, friends, home, social status, etc. Perhaps old age is God's way of preparing us for what comes next.
7
I was hoping for more lessons. Guess I have to buy the book to get them.
1
Thank you for this article. I will turn 80 next year, and I have never been happier. Like your elders, and like all elders, I have known the loss of people I have loved, including a son and a husband, but two years ago, I published a book, and I am happily working on the sequel. I picked up my East Coast roots and moved to sunny Sedona, Arizona, the beautiful, spiritual center of the world. I have lots of friends and I am healthy. Most of all, I am grateful for everything that has happened to me and the blessings of every day. I am not alone, and I know a peace as I have never known. This article cheered my day and brought me closer to those wonderful people you wrote about, my sisters and brothers in the beautiful sunset of life. Thank you again.
53
This is a beautiful piece. My dad died last month at age 99; in fact, he missed the 100th birthday party we were planning by just 78 days. He lived in a wonderful assisted living center in WI, but my siblings and I always worried about how he was doing even though he seemed happy and positive. He always expressed gratefulness and joy when we visited him, and he never lost his sense of humor (even if that humor was occasionally somewhat politically incorrect!) I guess that if we can awaken each day feeling grateful for the morning, the next determination is to carry forward that sentiment to make our day as positive and joyful as possible. I wish that I could have read this article 2 years ago when our family began embarking on this final journey.
27
These are very lucky people. What about the senior who needs help with all the activities of daily living (e.g., is incontinent and wheelchair bound) and knows she is a huge financial burden on her family with the expense of 24/7 home care if she's going to avoid a grim life in a nursing home that accepts Medicaid? Perhaps it's only in the NYT bubble that one never has to think about money.
48
Helen, one of the people profiled, lives in a nursing home that accepts Medicaid.
12
Not all nursing homes that accept Medicaid are grim, and most people will be on Medicaid since even subpar care costs many thousands of dollars a month. Most run through their savings--including the house--in six months to two years. We should fully fund our social security net since this--not assisted suicide--is our future. Killing yourself isn't a rational plan for old age, or a kind one for your children. Also planning to stay forever in your house isn't really a plan. How do other countries manage getting older?
40
Not all nursing homes are grim but most, in expensive metropolitan areas, are. It doesn't surprise me that NYT found the exception. My 97-year old mother is lucky to have 24/7 help in her own assisted living apartment. But her savings will be gone soon, and we, the children, will run through ours pretty quickly if she lives much longer. In Holland, for example, things would be different. Not in the "greatest country in the world."
5
Inspiring, especially Jonas Mekas wisdom. Thank you!
10
In a way, this is a story about the future. As the boomers slide into elderville, nursing homes will become a huge business category. Since they have an inherent limitation on revenue it's unlikely they will get better than they are now - and likely they will get worse. The income/wealth disparities in our aging country will be ever more important as only the affluent will have decent "homes" for their final decline. Not to put a damper on Mr. Leland's nice story, but this is a looming reality. If you are a boomer looking for a cause, consider putting your talents to addressing this looming problem. Get political!
49
Also practical. We need better public transportation (how do you even get on a bus with a walker?), more bathrooms with those support bars just as part of construction, and more homes/apartments on one floor. We also need more types of less expensive assisted living arrangements for people with physical, but not mental, impairments. There is overwhelming choice, but not so much in cost, and it's difficult to determine quality without an advocate to research quite a bit.
33
The secret to happy old age
Is not thinking it is a cage --
But scaffolding which
Allows me to snitch
a spotlight once more on the stage.
22
Today's my birthday, 86 beginning my 87th year. I've never been more content with life inspite of pains and decay, which are part of the game. No one has mentioned sex, the sex drive. I'm relieved that my body is no longer driven by the sex drive, chemistry. It got me into a lot of trouble. Now that the chemistry has gone away, I smile instead of wink. Oh, Yes, one other thing. We need a new word. "Senior" doesn't get it. I was a senior in high school at 17, a senior consultant, a senior professor. Now that I'm older than all those seniors, I want a description that recognizes my experience; I like "Archiver", holder and protector of life's journeys, experiences, learnings. "Rememberer" would be nice but remembering doesn't work so well anymore. Yeah, keeper of the archives, family and more. And of treasure collected? I could give it all away. Except for family and friends, that is the best part. And what do I do now? Most importantly, I write, for hours a day I write. I'm not very disciplined about exercise tho, but I'm a little better at honesty and transparency than ever before. By the way, my wife's working at her desk as I write this note. She's in her 80s too and often surprised to realize that this magic of love and trust and fun has happened. We've been together for 64 years, married for 62, and illegal for two. It's never been better.
629
Congratulations!
4
Happy Birthday! I am 67. I prefer the word "elder"!
4
God bless you. Your writing brought joy and happiness to my face this morning. Happy new year Archiver.
4
Fresh out of film school 40 years ago, I had the opportunity to work on a documentary by Robin Lehman on active elders called “Forever Young”. Individuals from their 70s to centenarians expressed similar attitudes, each displaying a wisdom and vitality I never thought possible with elders. Fortunately I listened and their inspiration has guided me throughout my adult life.
28
What a wonderful movie! It should be required.
2
Interesting story and a good idea to document stories and perspectives of the elderly.
10
I just spent months nursing someone who refused to accept the fact that she was dying. We were both diagnosed at the same time, with the possibility of imminent death. In my case, I prepared, I was gifted with great news and a great prognosis after surgery. In my friend's case, she never thought about the possibility that her life would end. She kept planning and remained in denial until maybe two days before her death. I didn't die, but I was prepared to, she fought and I think ultimately had a horrible death. Her last words to me the day before she died were that she just couldn't think anymore, thoughts just came to her and she couldn't control them and she was very upset by this. Her stuff was taken by a daughter she hadn't seen in years, her ashes sit in an urn, waiting for the person she chose at the last minute to spread them, she banned me from her hospital room a month before her death, because she thought I was being negative when I said she had to think about the possibility and plan. I was the last person she saw in life. Dying is a part of life and as soon as you get that, all the burdens are lifted off your shoulders. I didn't die, but I was ready to, you need to have a plan and if you don't, I think that the end of your life will be miserable. Some people obsess about living a longer life, some people think death will never happen. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and above all don't stop living your life just because you are old! Live!
190
Exactly: thank you for your insight.
8
This is one of the more profound comments I've read so far related to this article. I appreciate the need to have a positive attitude about aging, but there is far more to be said about having a positive attitude toward dying. The final frontier, the most powerful spiritual experience we are likely to ever have, and how tough it is in this country to face up to it honestly and courageously.
14
What a wonderful article of strength! Happiness is contagious, pass it on!
14
My mother turned 100 for a couple of weeks ago. She lives in Jerusalem, where she moved with my father
from Boston when she turned 80. She does yoga a week, Goes to her book group and the synagogue, attends a board meeting every so often. Still likes going to the symphony even though her hearing is bad. She has many friends of all ages.She says that her life is good and it shows.When asked her secret, she says there isn’t one - just don’t die.
9
I recently had lunch with a friend who just turned 93. Here's a snippet of conversation that I won't soon forget.
" My friends tell me that I should act my age. I've never been 93 before so I don't know how I should act. So I guess I'll just act any darn way I choose."
482
These elders aren’t in typical nursing homes where they’re stuck in wheel chairs in front of a television wearing diapers. They have active, competent, supportive adult children. They don’t mind the losses of health and activity. They are cognitively unimpaired. They don’t miss work and intellectual stimulation.
Some of us want to keep working at real jobs. Some of us would not adjust to nursing home routines. Many of us would rather be dead than institutionalized. And increasingly, when most of us reach our eighties, we won’t have anyone to be our advocate. This handful of non-representative elders should not be viewed as typical or “normal.”
310
@ Catharine:
You miss the point. These individuals *should* be the typical. While aches, pains, injury, and more are part of life, it is not inevitable to grow old and sit in chairs all day in front of TVs or computers. Mr. Mekas still is working, but also adapting.
But if one is not active at a younger age, if not is not attentive to one's diet, mental state, and so forth when one is young, then indeed, one will be today's "typical or 'normal'", which is infirm, probably highly drugged, and waiting for death to remove your misery.
Change is inevitable. Getting older is inevitable. How one does it is largely up to the individual. Get fat young, and you'll grow old and fat; get lazy young, and you grow old and lazy. Quality of life is up to you, mostly.
And I'd bet big money that more than a few will reply with the self-pitying "well, just because you don't have Problem X...". I know lots of people older than myself (mid-50s) who have all sorts of problems, have broken feet, injured knees, digestive problems, etc., but I met and continue to meet these people in the gym, on the track, biking, because they do not give up and whine about Poor Old Me.
And neither do these folks in the article. Good for them. And bless Mr Mekas and his wisdom: "'To go back and introduce into all the schools art, to cut down on sports but bring arts, philosophy back into all educational systems,' he said....'Education is the resistance to everything that is bad today.'"
Amen, brother.
34
I think you misunderstand the ageing process. People sitting in front of a TV in diapers are operating at the absolute limits of their ability. It isn't a choice. At the very least, your brain ages and you lose functionality and you don't get to pick and choose what functionality. My father loved to drive, but at the end of our street he could not decide whether to take a right or a left, regardless of the final destination. He gave up driving. When he fell in the yard and could not get up for six hours, he stayed in the house. So it goes.
17
If you fall and cannot get up or get help for hours ( I have) then you need to subscribe to a BUTTON. I have Great Call that works everywhere.
Falling, especially for the first time is scary. Suddenly the body you have always counted on betrays you. But hiding out in the house is not a solution.
10
I’d bring my mother Esther, the consummate New Yorker, to recuperate with us, in Connecticut, after a fall, surgery or other hospital stay. She’d be able to enjoy trees, flowers, birds and the beauty of the quiet and nature.
Her response, “Susan, if this is the end of my life, take me home. I want to die near Bloomingdale’s.”
She got her wish. She lived to be 94 1/2. She always thought like a New Yorker. “This too shall pass,” she’d tell me. Still miss you Mom. Thanks for raising us near Bloomingdale’s.
401
I love this! Love it.
Inspiring article, great reminder as to importance of attitude. But like some of the other commenters, I'm skeptical that old age makes everyone or maybe even most people happier. Friends now in their 90s, whom I value so much, have always been among the happier, more contented, more confident people I knew. Perhaps that kind of attitude contributes to a longer life.
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My 83 year-old mother-in-law spends much of every day treating a set of lungs that failed her lifestyle more than 20 years ago. I see her pain overcome completely by the pleasure of family. As she puts it, "Who knew staying alive could be so much work!" and then "But my daughters and granddaughters, makes every effort worthwhile." Her intelligence and drive was trained on a successful career at the Social Security Administration, religious visits to most every NYC Museum and near constant reading (e.g., every President's biography), but her greatest passion has been family. She teaches me, my wife and daughters that the investment of a lifetime is one that pays relationship dividends.
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As I observe my parents (Dad will be 95 and Mom 92) grapple with the aging process, I have learned what I need to work on to have fulfilling aging process for myself. My mom's unfailing optimism and encouragement toward my father's encroaching Dementia and his response to her loving concern is a joy to behold. I also learn what parts of my body I need to pay attention to because of the genes we share, as well as upholding the characteristics of compassion, honesty, and strength. Bravo to all those who approach aging as adventurous youths!
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Such a pleasure to read about these inspiring people. Such grace and outlooks tinged with contentment, resolve, and fortitude provide us with a perfect segue into 2018. Happy New Year.
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I was fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by many great-aunts and uncles as well as my grandparents. My family was divided by religious, ethnic and political differences on either side, but one thing all my older relatives had in common was the ability to take pleasure in small things. If it was a nice day, they'd put a tablecloth on the picnic table, eat a modest meal outside and be happy they were able to do so. They lived simply and enjoyed the moment.
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chicken or egg? Happier in old age, or older because they were happier than their peers? Not a criticism of the article; rather an enjoinder to cultivate positive actions and thoughts, particularly in relationships. Hard to do in the post-truth, post-science age of Trump when paying attention to the news is to contemplate armageddon.
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the one point that resonates with me is how those six seniors take events in stride especially sad or negative ones. I worked in senior housing on the day of 9/11 and as we sat watching the TV I was the only one with tears streaming down my face and the rest of the people aged 65 and up just sat there as if it was just another thing.
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9/11 family member here.
This dynamic is so true. Even within our extended family unit ... upon the death of our 25-year old daughter/sister/fiancee/granddaughter/niece/cousin/friend that day, the younger the family member (almost independent of closeness of relationship), the more deeply seared, wounded and indeed disabled in various ways for varying periods of time (which continue to this day).
The eldest of the bunch were the least negatively affected. Either that part of them wasn't as attuned to the horror due to their age, or they had simply had seen enough in their lifetimes -- WWII, etc. -- that that day, even as it cut directly into their family life, wasn't as painful?
That disconnect drove a wedge between some factions of the family ... it was very hard for those hurting the most to understand the more sanguine nature of those less affected.
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Thank you for writing this. My mother, who is in a nursing home, and has been declining since my father died in his sixties, has been resisting and giving up for the past fifteen years. She will be 80 this month, but it's a hard 80, full of pain, operations, and loss. What my mother's journey has taught me, however, is that people should try to control what they can, but not be consumed by guilt or blamed by others when your health goes south. Try to control your weight and avoid diabetes; don't over-comfort yourself with food, alcohol, or drugs. If you have operations, you have to do the rehab, even if hurts. When you force your relatives to make all decisions about your care, you cause resentment, guilt, pain, and may arrive in not the best setting. On the other hand, when you can't walk or toilet yourself, a nursing home is often the better place. After a year, my mother did adjust, and made a good friend. And it's also true that many who do everything right die younger of cancer, etc. We're not going to live forever, despite American fear and marketing. We're not in control of death, but kindness, love, curiosity, gratitude, and persistence, trite as it sounds, are qualities your article brings forth that make a big difference in our lives, and in those that care for us. I always worry about my mother, but I've stopped trying to change her. I just love her, and want her to live! L'chaim!
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I turn 62 in Feb. For such a long time now my mind tells me I am half that age.
My life has never been better: my wife and I just celebrated our 12th anniversary ( my late wife took her life in 2004).i am a grandfather, never having changed a diaper- just like my wife promised i’d be. I volunteer, love my work - and work with people who respect and appreciate me. I am active in my synagogue ( though I am not religious I am spiritual.
And I am working towards a masters degree,40 years after graduating college.
My wife and I read, travel and lead a life I could only dream about, surrounded by love, respect and knowledge.
We are happy; I am happy. Our secret: we appreciate what we have, we are grateful for our lives.anger- i’ll Leave that to those chasing “perfection”.
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What a delightful article! I laughed out loud at some of the things these people said and did. Like the woman who said she wasn't wearing her hearing aids because one had cracked --- "and because she did not like wearing them." At her age, she has the perfect right to do whatever she likes and to eschew whatever she doesn't. Old age should be a time when one is indulged and listened to and respected. It should also include the self-indulgence of doing as you damned well please!
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I’m a senior, over the hill, some would say.
I retired from nursing after decades of working in the healthcare field. But I wasn’t really happy. I missed the engagement of so many years working with patients and families while case managing in hospitals.
So, I took a “little” part time job as an activity aide in a local nursing home/rehab center. I work for what some say is “peanuts”. And you note, retirees often call their jobs “little” to comfort ourselves, I guess.
I started a music group of residents, among other activities. That group of the elderly has probably taught me more about happiness than all my other years of healthcare. The smallest joke is funnier. The tales of reminiscing are sweeter. The highest and lowest notes and engagement of putting our music together is better than Lincoln Center or Carnegie Hall.(no offense)
There is a profound sense of contentment, not resentment, in the present and the past among those people, those seniors, the old, who teach me every day. A sense of freedom comes with getting old. Free to choose your best friends and decide not to bother with those that make you feel bad. Free to express your political ideology; you don’t have to worry the boss will get passive agressive because he doesn’t agree with you. You can be totally free of expressing your love of family - you know time is of the essence.
Even those with disabilities seem happy most of the time.
Happiness? It’s acceptance. We made it there! Happy New Year!
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But not free to do meaningful work for market compensation. Not free to be taken seriously and treated respectfully, not as “cute.” Not free to live independently and die with dignity on your own terms.
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@ Catharine:
you seem to believe that someone forces "old folks" into retirement communities. Perhaps for some that is true, but when "freedom" meant my Old Man could sit at home and starve or bleed to death or otherwise be in pain because there was no one to help him or, more likely, to have an ambulance retrieve his broken body and take him to die in a hospital...well, what do you really think "dignity on your own terms" means? He fortunately had 6 kids, and I suppose he fortunately developed cancer and died in drugged bliss in his own bed. Perhaps that's the dignity you speak of?
I hate "old folks homes" probably as much as anyone, having watched grandparents waste away in them and worked in a hospital that had a geriatric center (I was a cook at that time). Yet getting old means dying, so if one waits until one is old to have dignity and contemplate death, it's probably too late. Best to get rich and make plans now, or at least bury a gun in the woods.
I agree that it would be nice to have national Dying Centers where one could check in and check out on one's own terms, but try to get that idea passed in this world of irrational fear of death and dying. (Alas, I think of the dying centers in Soylent Green; a great idea sans the "food" production, of course!)
Yet...not all "old folks homes" are bad. And if that's the best we've got, we should work to make them really good. Not all folks have kids (e.g., me), and no kid should feel obligated to take care of parents.
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I’d rather bleed to death alone than spend years locked up in a home. Those are my values. They aren’t everyone’s. Read Susan Jacoby’s book, Never Say Die.
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I have just spent a wonderful Christmas week with my 93 year old mother and I wish I had read this article first! I could have been reminded that the only time is now and it may as well be enjoyed. As I ran around fretting she relaxed and went to every social event that was offered. While I worried about food and fun she ate and laughed. I like to think I am a lot like my mother but have a ways to go!
Perhaps the best advice I was ever given by a lively senior was, "When friends come a call'n, put down your ironing!" and my grandmother's advice, "Something always happens and its always for the best."
Happy New Year to all!
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What wonderful stories of resilience and hope! Our elders can be so inspirational.
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God bless them all.
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Jonas Mekas: “Education is the resistance to everything that is bad today.”
An elegantly simple truth.
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Most of my friends are in their 70's now, as am I. One in her 80's took years to tell me her actual age. She seems to have the most difficulty is transitioning from her independent past to living with her daughter who wants her to live in a nursing home.
There seems to be a negative attitude among these older friends about the stigma of living in a nursing home. That signifies "the beginning of the end" for them. the gradual loss of independence was not mentioned in the article. I think that is significant.
But the article cheered me a bit when I realize the living in one's 90's is "old" and I am still on my way.
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It’s not stigma. It’s the very real possibility of abuse and having fewer rights than you’d have in some prisons. Bad food. No privacy. Being talked to like a five year old. Being forced to sit in a wheelchair in front of a television for hours. Often sharing a room. Some people adjust well. Many would rather die. We should all have a choice.
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Unless you've personally spent time observing how even the "best" nursing homes often treat people due to constrained resources, you shouldn't assume you fully know why many people don't want to live there.
It can be far more like a jail than any place I'd want to live voluntarily. My father was fortunate in that I could spend significant time with him daily, and hire some additional support to keep an eye on his care and interests when I couldn't be there (i.e. helping out my mom, etc). From what I saw, the number of people with that level of resources/help is tragically few.
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My mother passed away this year - after living for 3.5 years in a nursing home. It was a very difficult decision to have her live in a nursing home - but after years of her refusing to talk about what she might want if she was unable to live on her own, I made the best decision I could on her behalf. Those years in the nursing home were the happiest she had in the 25 years since my dad passed away - she had friends, activities every day, staff who knew her every mood and truly cared about her. In her last couple of days, the staff never left her side, and talked to her about flying through the clouds - my mom was a single-engine plane pilot at age 17 - she slipped away peacefully on a sunny Saturday afternoon. And I was able to have that conversation with my own children - about what I want in my later years.
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Thanks for the attention paid to these very deserving seniors. It is no small feat to weather momentous decades (waking in fear because of WWII PTSD) and face twilight with a tired smile.
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When people ask me how I can be a geriatrician I tell them stories like these. It isn't just sugarcoating. It reflects wisdom and acceptance but usually without surrender of ideals. I disagree with DrBr: these are descriptions of ego integrity rather than despair, in the Eriksonian sense. Meaning and beauty are inherent in these pleasant portraits.
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I agree with Michael Wolff. I have a background in geriatrics also, and for each person, the process is so very different. The people who can maintain an "observing ego," as Wally Weet seems to, seem to fare the best in their last years. This is especially true if they were people who enjoyed life and friends prior to "the beginning of the end." Besides Eriksonian integrity, I'd add that Shakespeare understood this centuries ago.
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I am 62, but I want a geriatrician with an attitude like yours when my Dr retires. Which makes me wonder— at what age does one switch to a geriatrician?
At 87 I will tell you what is good about being old. I don't have to worry about my future because I have none to worry about. No matter how badly Trump screws up, no matter how ornery the little fat guy in North Korea gets, no matter how many idiots get themselves hooked on drugs -- others will have to handle it. I won't be here. Besides nobody is interested in my opinion anyway.
I can't be fired from my job, because I have none. I don't have to worry about my former enemies, because they are all dead. They won't put me in jail because they don't want to deal with my medical problems. What's left to worry about?
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Mr. Surr, I hope when I am 87, that I will continue to have some concern about the future of others that will be here after I am gone. Getting older does not invalidate your right to your viewpoints even if they are not validated by the world. I hope that you and others like you will continue to voice your concerns because they are needed. I believe that worry begets inactivity. When you are an active participation in what is going on, you worry less, because you believe you are making a contribution. My hope is that maybe just maybe with a little help from me and others like me, we will all have less to worry about.
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This wonderful article did not include Donald Surr's solution for personal happiness, but it should because there are probably many more like him. As he points out, one key to happiness is not to care about others, or to write off people who need help as "idiots". Being extremely self-centered is a successful contentment strategy, but it does not work for me. I can't help but love my children, grand children and great grand children. I have neighbors that I care deeply for. I have friends and they have families. I do not worry for myself, but I grieve for this beautiful living planet and everything that lives, and for the difficult and uncertain future the young are facing now. I feel sorry that we didn't do better than this for them. I could be happy if I could only shrink my world to just myself, but for better or worse, I still live on this earth with others and I am afraid of what will happen to them, long after I am safely gone. Donald Surr's recipe for personal happiness is troubling, but it is not that unusual. It's typical Republicanism.
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@Vickie: Thus chastened, if I am still here next Nov, I shall go to the polls to vote against the GOP candidates. That is if I still can remember where the polls are. Participating in protest marches would, I am afraid, prove too taxing. If all else fails I shall attempt to come back in spectral form to haunt them. Old folks gallows humor!
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The theme, which occupies my own thought somewhat, these days, is to the fore in Ursula LeGuin's latest book, No Time to spare. This is one of those books one devours at a sitting, then puts by, close at hand, to come back to repeatedly. Carolyn Heilbrun, Life beyond sixty is wonderful also. My own book is yet unwritten, but I already know its title: Yes dad, you told us that already. But I'll probably have forgotten the title when the time comes.
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The focus of the article was happiness. While important, happinesst seems relatively superficial, an interaction with current life circumstances which change constantly. To me the obvious and more enduring aspect these folks all have is meaning in their lives.
Focusing on happiness is like observing only the surface of a deep lake and thinking you understand the lake, the still depths are being ignored.
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The deep lake is meaningless when staring into the abyss. Happiness in the moment is the best medicine for the soul.
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You couldn't be more incorrect. The mind will go to a lot of dark places if you let it. When you, the observer, recognizing you're thinking bad thoughts, just let it go.
Otherwise, one day you may find yourself drowning in a deep lake of darkness.
Let it go. Think good thoughts. Be happy.
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So you are saying one should avoid the reality of the abyss? Is death the abyss? Or is despair the abyss? What about really looking into the abyss and seeing what is there beyond your personal fear?
Beautifully written. I want to read the book.
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You only wrote after half the story. For every one of these "happy" super seniors you have plenty who are miserable and made life miserable for other people. My friend's mother is age 93 and in a nursing home and made life miserable for every generation of her family.
Bottom line in either case, I believe in the equality of life theory, ie sometimes I call it the Jimi Hendrix/Jack LaLanne theory. If you live like Jimi with wine, women and song (and drugs) you die at 27, If you live like Jack, six hrs of exercise a day, no desserts, no white bread, no flour, no hard booze, clean life etc. you live to be age 97.
Most people choose somewhere nearer to Jack and live to be age 70-85.
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Not everyone can adjust to a nursing home. Not every nursing home is humane.
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No disrespect but Jimi Hendrix will be remembered as a musical genius regardless of wine, women, and drugs.
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Catherine the 93 yr old I refer to, went in a few months ago. She made life miserable for her whole family for the previous 70 yrs before that when she was healthy.
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I may have missed it, but no reference to the longest and largest study on aging by Harvard University. Great study. I keep it in my kitchen, with my cooking books, to read while I'm waiting on the roast. I'm 71 and recently took a stress test and placed way ahead of my peers. I bicycled alone from NYC to the Inner Banks, NC.
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Congrats on that very long bike ride. That is a big accomplishment.
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Thank you for writing this, Mr. Leland.
As a 60 year old with an 86 year old father, I've seen the changes in his health and energy, but he is still kicking. Dad moved out of the NYC metro rat race to a rural area but he still sees friends and favorite towns, eats out for meals regularly, stays in touch through emails and phone calls, and enjoys spending time with family, who live very far away.
When dad was a high-powered attorney, he kept up with his friends, ate out regularly, and stayed current. He is the same now, but he just moves a bit
slower, and rarely complains about health issues, of which there are several.
He went from a fast driver to a volunteer ambulance driver in his 70's, and still drives today, although no longer at night.
His standard line, spoken since I was a child, is let's go, we're on the move!
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I wonder how much of this is simply a desire not to complain? Most of the elderly I’ve personally known were deeply depressed and yet they firmly believed that they should maintain a positive outward attitude for the benefit of other people.
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We do not change our personal charistics as we age...a half-full-glass type personality instead of a half-empty-glass personality ages better. I hope.
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Exactly! What drives a good life is good relationships. It doesn't matter if you're 19 or 91 - if you're a miserable, complaining person you will drive people away, therefore losing opportunities for good relationships. We all need to be grateful for the gifts we enjoy in our lives, and strive to maintain a positive outlook. What a wonderful example to see an elderly man who needs to downsize and move to a less expensive apartment accept that circumstance with such grace; many would be crying in bed with shame and embarrassment. But really, what difference does it make?
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But isn't understanding what you owe other people one of the way to cultivate happiness? I find that saying "it isn't all about me" to myself has a calming effect and helps me moderate my raging insecurities, envy, arrogance, greed, remorseless competitive drive, and a Pandora's box of nastiness. And it helps to sort your higher emotional needs from your mindlessly selfish needs as an organism.
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I am so inspired by this article. What a wonderful group, profiled by a wonderful writer!
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