I am making no resolutions for 2018 during the era of Trump, but I know what I like and plan to continue liking for as long as I can.
Here is a partial list:
Texas, U.S.A. and Israel.
Books by and about Abraham Lincoln, H.L. Mencken, George Orwell, Ezra Pound, T.S. Eliot, James Baldwin, Scott Fitzgerald, Theodore Dreiser and the U.S. soldiers who fought in World War II.
Audio recordings of old radio programs which I listen to while going to bed. (Gunsmoke, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow, Boston Blackie, Jean Shepherd.)
Goldenberg Peanut Chews, Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bars, Mr. Goodbars.
Willie Mays.
Beef tongue sandwiches, extra lean, on Jewish rye.
Big dogs, preferably weighing more than 120 lbs., with heads the size of garbage-can lids, like the one here in the picture.
Cats who like to sleep on your feet on cold winter nights.
Plastic Man comic books.
Citizen Kane, Treasure of the Sierra Madre
Kosher hot dogs wrapped in bologna, topped with sauerkraut and deli-mustard served on an old fashioned Kaiser roll along with big dill pickles and extra-thick, hand-cut onion rings.
Spaghetti Caruso.
Caesar salad prepared in a good Italian restaurant with checkered tablecloths by a waiter who knows what he’s doing.
Boys' regular haircuts.
Blue blazers, blue button shirts, khakis, striped ties, cordovan shoes and belts.
Tortoise shell eyeglass frames.
Women who wear just a touch of makeup and never wear dangly earrings.
More to follow, if they allow it.
63
Famously, David Hume wrote that “reason alone can never be a motive to any action of the will,” & that reason alone “can never oppose passion in the direction of the will”. Still, as you suggest here, clever reason may set up other 'passions', to displace present ones. We learn to treat ourselves as we do children, by redirection.
Eg many mornings you don't feel like doing yr exercises, so you tell yourself, 'I'll just do a couple of easy ones today, or I'll feel bad.' Once you do those, & are in a posture, it's easy to do a few more.... Again, 'I'd like to have another cup of coffee, tho' I sh'dn't.' "Well, tell you what: you can have another, but first do a couple of easy things that need doing." Chances are, after doing 'em you'll have forgotten the extra cup. Over all: we often *use* our brains.
40
My 2018 New Year’s resolutions: to not make any New Year’s resolutions.
18
What a great and insightful article - it makes a lot of sense that feelings such as gratefulness and companion improve ourselves and therefore impact one's self control - but in the spirit of the busy lives we all live, I was hoping for a bit more on how we can apply them to our daily lives. I was hoping of tricks on how we can execute them to actually improve our commitment to save more, eat healthier, and exercise more. Thoughts?
38
I’ve lost 25 pounds - roughly 10% of my body weight - in the last year. My lipid profile has improved immensely. Here’s the deal folks: it’s called self-discipline.
I love pizza, pasta, anything chocolate. I love sandwiches, subs, burgers and good bread. But I finally got to the point where I was just sick of being fat. I was sick of my knees hurting at the age of 41. I was sick of wondering whether I could fit into my clothes. I was sick of not liking what I saw in the mirror. And so I did something about it.
I went to a diet of mainly meat, foul and fish with a ton of fruits and vegetables. It was hard at first. But I tell ya what, when you crack a “level” - for me they are 5-pound increments - it is a powerful motivator. I started at 242.2 pounds. When I hit 235, it felt like I’d lost 50 pounds and run a marathon. That was the reward feeling that I got. Then you crack 230, it’s amazing. 225? Holy cow, I’m doing awesome! And so on.
Now, I cheat. Sometimes I’ll eat pizza. Every other weekend or so I’ll go out and get a burger and fries and pound it down. But 9 times out of 10, I’ll pass. And when you do, looking at the scale vthe next morning reinforces that behavior: I know if I stay disciplined, I will be rewarded.
And it’s interesting, this attitude has translated to other things as well, such as my finances. I pass on things now that I would have bought in the past. It’s just good old self-discipline and seeing the rewards for your effort. There’s no “secret”.
79
The problem is that all "resolutions" involve "I" and "me"... if society would focus less on I and me, and resolving to do something that helps others, the rate of achievement would increase. Here us a variation of a a story I once heard:
Three men are working in quarry breaking huge boulders. An onlooker asks the them, " What are you doing?". The first man says, "I am breaking stones", the second man says, "I am doing my job", but the third man says,"I am preparing the stones for the foundations of a new school".... how we approach the demands on ourselves ( in this consumer culture and need for instant results, instant, communication, instant gratification), we need to focus on helping others, and that will help ourselves.
36
I read this with interest, but I still don't get how compassion gives rise to self-control.
91
I'm trying hard to get it, but I don't see how moving my friend's couch is going to help me stop wasting money or cut out the junk food.
57
$18 now in lieu of $100 in a year ??
I'd simply borrow $90 today, use the $100 to pay it back in a year including the interest. Seems we have a bigger problem.
8
Oh dear... yet another who is soooo certain that he is absolutely right....so full of himself
In psychology there is a theory of instant gratification-babies thrive on it -to alert mum that it is time to be fed; to delay that gratification causes conflict and frustration. As the baby grows and matures, the self-gratification can be delayed-a choice the child and later adult makes.
If someone offers me Y if I eschew X for a stated time, my immediate response will be to take X; not because I am an infant in need of instant gratification, but a mature adult who understands that I am not promised a tomorrow-only the time I am in at present.
I don't give because someone gave to me, but because someone else is in need and is probably in distress. It will most likely given to a stranger, not a neighbor.
To change a habit one must have self-discipline, along with realization that the change is necessary to survive. Change of habits cannot be enforced by a society or from some academic who insists he has THE answer (while other academics insist otherwise), but by personal choice and personal perspective.
And by the way, nicotine is highly addictive. Addiction is insidious and not easily conquered.
(Marshmallows are full of sugar and have no nutritional value, not to mention they are bad for one's teeth. Obviously the academics didn't think beyond obtaining the data they wanted... Triste!)
Contentiousness is as bad as pretentiousness!
13
I agree that willpower is insufficient to conquer the mind's tendency to give in to the urge of immediate gratification. The solution to this conundrum, however, is something which I would put in different terms.
The Sufis call the urges of the mind "nafs ammara", the tyrannical self. It could be described as something like the proverbial "monkey on one's back", except that it's not just one monkey, but a whole zoo full of hungry, greedy, lustful, and malicious energies within us which form a complex ecosystem. To understand these forces is to understand oneself, but the moment we recognize them as our true enemies is the beginning of a way out to freedom.
The qualities of compassion and empathy which the writer speaks of can be considered part of our true self, but they don't get much of a chance to shine in us as long as the nafs ammara is what controls our thoughts and our actions.
A radical change in the focus of our life is required, and it's my humble opinion that only meditation and prayer have the power to bring out the beauty in the individual to make him inclined to serve humanity instead of just himself.
Once we have kicked out the "monkey on our backs", we will begin to feel a deep sense of peace, and the compassion which had previously been covered up by selfish instincts begins to flow like a newborn spring.
I very much agree with the main idea of this article. My point is that the journey from selfishness to compassion requires a path, a spiritual path.
13
Two thoughts:
1. The stress of exercising self-control drops like a rock when your desired behavior becomes your routine. Don't think about running - just put your gear out the night before, and do it without thinking about it. As Ovid said, "Nothing is stronger than habit."
2. Join a group! Even an online group provides a tremendous amount of encouragement and accountability.
30
Brilliant article! Agree wholeheartedly. I've been on many diets, now I choose life and health. Life is a choice. And yes, compassion and gratitude are key!
Thanks Dr. Steno, I look forward to reading your book. Happy & healthy 2018 to e everyone!
10
My resolution is to protest The Con Don and his Robber Baron brethren in any way possible, every day, until they are thrown out of OUR government.
Are you opposed to the tax bill? Are you opposed to what The Con Don and his Robber Baron/pretend christian brethren are doing to OUR environment and OUR human/social/economic rights? Do you want to take action? Do you agree that 300 MILLION people taking to the streets at the same time will show the world that WE THE PEOPLE do not agree with the current corrupt regime? You are in luck!
The weekend of January 20/21 is shaping up to be National Protest Weekend. (It might also be International Protest Weekend.)
A Women's March 2018. like the one that day after the sham inaugaration and perhaps bigger, is scheduled for Saturday, January 20 and other events are planned across America for January 21. Mark your calendar and get out there. We need 300 MILLION people acting in unison to protest this shamelessly corrupt, traitorous regime.
NOW is the time.
Here are some links to information:
https://www.facebook.com/pg/WomensMarch2018USA/events/
https://www.facebook.com/Womensmarchonwashingtonstate/?hc_ref=SEARCH&...
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/12/28/1728028/-CUA-Events-Women-s-...
43
Paul Tough addresses the need for trust in others as a prerequisite of grit/willpower. This article also points to the need for the liturgical, or "people's work". It seems to validate the triad of orthodoxy, orthopraxy, and orthopathy, that is the right instruction, aligned to the right practice, yields the right feeling. The only way to get the feedback that drives that triad is in association with others. We are poor judges in our own case, and our need for social approval and reliance on collective wisdom brings to the fore the need for quality interactions with healthy peers.
6
A few commenters have mentioned children's need to trust the people around them. I'd also say that children need hope in order to achieve self-control. If the future looks bleak, why not just seize the day? For adults, this might mean not taking failures tragically, but just trying again and again and succeeding in very small steps if necessary. I quit smoking about seventeen times, but I did quit -- in the end smoking one less cigarette every few days for weeks on end.
10
This is white mansplaining on a grand scale.
As a woman, I’ve been socialized to give to others, don’t take more than I need, tend the needs of people around me, serve the community and put my needs last, to master what the author refers to as "social emotions”. Growing up white and Catholic helped. In many indigenous communities, generosity, interdependence, caring for each other are core values.
Enter: White Men. When white men start writing about how successful you can become if you’re more generous to others, give your time and energy to others, take care of others’ needs before your own, it’s news! Suddenly it’s a crucial ingredient to a successful life and organization! OMG! Who knew!
“Give and Take” at work but give more than you take to help others succeed. Really? What a concept! “Leaders eat last.” Is that right? Huh - mothers and grandmothers have been eating last forever and still do. “…put something else ahead of your own immediate desires and interests — ...exercise self-control.”
This article is the continued colonization of our minds. Until white men “discover" the virtue of relationships and interdependence, it doesn’t register. Until there is “science” and “research” to prove that people flourish best when they are connected to others, it’s “soft skills” and “women’s work.”
This isn't an "anti-male" “anti-white” rant. This isn't "all men" or "all women". It is an observation about power, privilege and who gets credit for what in our culture.
225
Uh, that's not what the article is saying at all. As a feminist who is actively involved in many communities of color, I can say with confidence that we all suffer from the dominant culture's punishing idea that if only we had enough self control and willpower we could change our unhealthy habits. Instead, this article reinforces the idea that the community values of giving and gratitude can hold the key to helping us change personal habits. This article is actually pretty helpful and gives me hope.
30
It does read like a rant. Supported maybe by the points made but opening with “mansplaining” made it clear what form the rest would take.
19
In the immortal words of Gorgeous George:
"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat."
3
People believe in free will only because they have no choice.
7
"Can I still call myself conservative?"
Sure. You can call yourself anything you want. But calling yourself one doesn't make you one. Obviously you're NOT a conservative, but go ahead, call yourself conservative: we ACTUAL conservatives CAN tell the difference, so we're not worried about any possible confusion.
2
In our house we 100% believe that all of these traits (gratitude, hard work, grit, self control, emotional intelligence) can and should be taught. Our kiddos are 6, 8 and 9 (to be 7, 9 and 10 in the spring). Birth order is Boy, Boy, Girl.
At dinner we play "roses and thorns" and we eat dinner together a LOT.
We pick who goes first and ask...
What was the rose of your day? (what good things happened)
What was the thorn of your day? (what bad things happened)
What was the beaver of your day? (what did you work hard at)
What is your marigold? (what are you grateful for)
The rules...
1) There must be an equal number or more roses than thorns
2) You can't use one of your answers to torment a sibling
3) Everyone stays at the table until everyone has a turn
4) People can nominate others for beavers and recognize hard work, otherwise, no interrupting
44
It's not rocket science, folks.
We would never need NY resolutions if we all just followed the Golden Rule.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Think about it...what an amazing world this could be.
15
Doesn’t the success of Donald J. Trump - an apparently impatient, self-centered, cruel, and arrogant individual - put a wrinkle on all these theories? Just wondering.
19
Many of us, including me, do not see Donald as successful! He is a conman. He is a cheater, a liar...."success" has many definitions and so, he is not successful by my standards, values and definition.
30
Advice for those seeking to start and stick to a NYEARS exercise regimen. I give this advice to my clients.
You have some goals, lose weight, get stronger, run a race, go on a truly active vacation adventure, or just feel better and play with the kids/grandkids. If you're only here to fit into a dress/suit for a reunion, wedding, etc, you likely need a different trainer-coach.
So here's what I want you to focus on. Today, and only the next few days. Keep your sights close, not way out there on the place/thing you fantasize being. Why? That place out there, that's not yet a thing, because the thing you fantasize about being, might not ever be realized. Thats not to say you wont run the race, or finish that strenuous hike - but you might not be in the hard-body "shape" you desire and see in your mind.
Huh?
Yes, your real goal is to be in the best "shape" - fitness-condition you can be in NOW, under the current set of physical conditions. We not gonna focus on out-there, as you are not ready for that...we're gonna focus on here, right now. So if you can only do 5 of exercise X, we're doing a really hard 5, and adding another 2-3.
Progression, focus on being the best you can be NOW, not worrying all that much on where you are not now, and frankly might never be. You're 5'6" slightly overweight, under-muscled guy, who likes to play basketball, but you are never gonna be Lebron, period. But You will play much better as the 5'6" leaner, more muscled guy 6months from now.
17
Thats nice ...but how is it going to help someone stay on a diet or stop smoking? I do nice things for people often, but have no willpower.
21
Yes, the article is interesting, but does not at all explain how these social emotions can help me stick to something, especially when it's only I that will benefit from sticking to it.
23
Some advice for those seeking to make diet, exercise/fitness goals. A simple message/thought exercise I offer my clients.
Be focused more on being in the best "shape" - fitness you can be, IN the shape you are now, and less about being in the "shape", fitness you wish to be, or might never be in!
So you can still be overweight, unable to run that marathon (half, or even a 5K) but you can be in better shape right now then you were last week, last month and year. And better then those around you doing nothing but complaining, or incessantly talking about the diet they're gonna start next week, or their messiah-like return to the gym.
Its a shift in focus to the now. Focus on the work you can do, and have done, not on that stuff out in the future. Maybe you will run a marathon...but not yet. And all the work out there in the future depends on the smaller efforts now.
Use whatever analogies best suit you...work related, school...any project that depends on the groundwork to reach the final product. You cant present a thesis without the basic research. You cant present a sales-projection without the How to get there. You cant get the leaves in bags and on the curb without the basic raking. Bag #1 is key.
Same with your fitness goals. Focus on the current, and what you can alter NOW, not on where You dream to be. Especially IF your dream goal is foolish. If you're a 5'6" male, and under-muscled, you ain't gonna look like a tall jacked, Le Bron James. Stay in the now.
6
At 71, i’ve Quit drinking and smoking years ago through the cold turkey approach, motivated by knowledge and fear that I was killing myself. Doesn’t work the same for losing weight....sadly
12
-
“Humans are notoriously bad at resisting temptation, especially (as research confirms) if we’re busy, tired or stressed” DeSteno
Let’s hope that too many research $$ were not used to prove or dicover this self evident fact.
The Crazy Ape is out of joint with the world, and this new year will only shovel more ridiculousness on top of the pile.
“Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness our home?”
Cioran
Now that is something to hope for.
1
Grit or resilience is necessary of course to survive on planet Earth, but without gratitude and compassion we would create nothing of lasting value. To paraphrase an eminent poet, “To know that one life has breathed easier because of you, that is success.”
4
Yes, I too wish that I could reduce something as mushy, nebulous,
multi-factored, and complex as human motivation down to one factor. It's
certainly a interesting exercise, but I use a pound of skepticism per ounce of
theory. I feel futility for those poor souls who think they can measure such things in the "lab".
1
Willpower may not be a panacea for changing our behavior but I'm glad I had enough of it to finish this officious article. Seriously though, social emotions are the key? Sounds like Dr. DeSteno is showcasing his role as director of the Social Emotions group at Northeastern. He should go back to his lab and demonstrate out how pride, gratitude and compassion help someone quit smoking or drinking. Better yet, he should get out of his lab and study some real people in the real world.
11
Hi Karlene, actually "pride, gratitude and compassion" are key elements of Alcoholics Anonymous. Combined with other foot work and a "one day at a time" attitude our resolutions have come true! Happy New Year!
10
My wife would be the first to admit that she has trouble keeping resolutions. But earlier this year she had remarkable success in taking the Water only challenge. The aim was to spend one month drinking no fluids other than water. No tea, coffee, soda etc. The aim was to raise money for Wateraid a charity that sank bores and purified water in 3rd World countries.
She was very successful. And we all were very proud.
And yes we are sure her selflessness was a major factor.
Peter Rennie leadershipaustralia .
10
The converse of what DeSteno is saying is true as well. Positive social emotions can help channel our energy in the right direction, but social distractions and negative thoughts from others can just as readily derail our intentions.
4
The very idea of a New Year's resolution is a head fake. What am I doing when I decide, say, on December 7th, that I will make a New Years resolution to stop smoking? I am giving myself three weeks in which I can smoke to my heart's content without a bad conscience.
3
One New Years, many years ago, I made a resolution to not make any New Year resolutions again.
I've kept it.
8
Gratitude and the Law of Attraction:
Focus on the specific things, moments, or feelings for which you are grateful and you will attract more of the same.
4
New Year's resolutions--resistance to temptations--are more easily kept by having gratitude and compassion, which connect us to others, and make us think of the future, than by applying willpower?
This course of life might work for the average person, who is connected to people rather easily anyway, already, but I have difficulty seeing it applicable to a person the more they have a high degree of intelligence and the more awareness they have, capacity for truth.
Also, I have difficulty seeing this course being applicable to people who struggle with basic morality in the first place, who whether they apply willpower or attempt to act in precisely described moral ways (such as showing up on time) are unable to "resist temptation".
It seems, again, applicable only to the average of the population, and ironically the average itself in its morality is a system of temptations and lackluster response to such (so many people use excessive energy in house, overeat, do not exercise, watch too much television, litter, and so on).
The greater the intelligence and awareness of a person, the more the person is going against the grain of the average, and no matter how much gratitude and compassion they manifest in going against the grain of the average, the average is all too likely to see them as not only not manifesting gratitude and compassion but awareness of other people's lives.
The big question is what enables a great and harried mind to persevere in all the trials of life.
4
This author's theory about the relationship between gratitude, willpower, and long-term focus explains a lot about the Donald Trump and his miserable decisions based on impulsiveness and lack of compassion or gratitude. So in the end, will it be his impulsive decisions and short-term view that cause his demise? He is a classic case study for testing the theory in this article.
5
Success does not come from no-doing, but by doing. Bill Gates did not get where he is putting off things he enjoyed, but because he did enjoy creating and running a successful business: "the best job in the world" he once called it. In the marshmallow test the successful "self control" kids distracted themselves by doing other things, presumably things they enjoyed. So making a resolution to do something unpleasant or not-doing something enjoyable probably will not work unless it is made enjoyable in some way. Since we tend to be social creatures, doing this with others can make it more successful. I do not like going for walks for exercise, but my dog loves them, so I get pleasure from his enjoyment and get more exercise as well.
4
With respect to public policy, those who claim to be "self-made" and therefore deserving of specially beneficial treatment from government don't show gratitude for the help they received along the way and that they continue to receive, but do exhibit arrogance. No one is self-made. Our government would benefit from more gratitude and humility on the part of our leaders, and rewarding of these traits in others.
5
When I follow my heartbeat, my breath, I discover gratitude not for my life looking like this, resembling that, but in the marvel that I am here at all.
When I lose sight of that---and I will intermittently lose sight of it---I hijack my usefulness to myself and others. I lose sight of the vulnerable adults that I serve during the day, the chemically dependent that I serve at night. I lose awareness of my own needs, lose sight that I am part of consciousness itself.
So, in this early morning, I wallow not in the anxiety of the coming new year, or in the regret of the last, but it in the gratitude that I'm alive at all.
When I'm fully aware, and not held hostage in my own head, the "should be, could be" is a given. Ironically, I'm free, because I don't give myself the choice not to be....
9
This is old wine in a new glass. To succeed takes planning and discipline, in any endeavor. Make a plan, and stick to it.
1
It is an ancient principle that the key to self-improvement begins with putting one's self second, and directing one's energies outward rather than inward - quite the opposite of "grit". As Lao Tsu reminds us, “By letting go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let go.”
7
The Australian poet, Adam Lindsey Gordon captured the essence of what is worthwhile in life in verse.
Life is full of froth and bubble
Two things stand alone,
Kindness in another's trouble
And courage in your own.
I want to bring more of these behaviors / values into my life and have decided to sign off with
Journey with courage and kindness,
Peter Rennie leadershipaustralia
6
A pointless essay filled with dubious assertions and assumptions. Discounting willpower because it might be "stressful" undermines real change, which is never easy. If you really want something, you will move heaven and earth to get it.
Losing weight (a common resolution), absent underlying medical conditions, isn't rocket science. It's doable.
Addictions like smoking and alcoholism are different, requiring
much more than willpower, but this is obvious.
6
A friend's wise motto: "May your gratitude exceed your expectations."
5
I've found my answers towards inspiration and resolutions from Hollywood. Despite their obvious shortcomings in many areas, their stories often resonate simple truths and simple ways to some form of happiness. I rarely leave a good movie uninspired or without feeling like I just walked a mile in someone else's shoes. What matter is the form that you receive inspiration if it makes you feel good, makes you a bit more educated than you were 2 hours ago? I get it, books are firmer records of information, I enjoy them too, but books and some of the people turning their nose up to us movie goers is equally obnoxious.
I'll make the recommendation of probably two, 2 Star movies. "Yes Man" with Jim Carey and "Liar Liar" with Jim Carey. I love the messages within. They are not hidden, it's not a quest to understand what your Father's childhood sled means. Say yes more and don't lie. To yourself and others.
1
Thanks for that...it affirms exactly where I am at today. Three years ago I became a widow. There are no children and extended family are in the UK. I'm not a joiner so it was an extraordinary string of events that led me to volunteer work and fulfilment of a kind I would never have dreamed of at a nearby senior's residence. I run a Poetry Workshop - me?! Again, why is complex. I write good doggerel but my familiarity with 'poetry' was no more than the obvious greats. I gave up trying to be intelligent and opted for the Poetry of Life. We have a blast - yes, yes we do write poems too, usually quite droll. As you've probably guess, the group give me far, far more than I can ever give them...and on top of that (as I keep telling them when they thank me) they've given me a raison d'etre for hours and days of research, planning and hunting out the best of "Life". I've never been so content, and they - as happens - have become family. Their wisdom astounds me - they teach me whilst I try to make them laugh. It's an extraordinary and joyful mix of giving, gratitude and love. There's nothing like it.
27
This article is the best antidote for the commercialization of Christmas. Without specifying any one religion, it is the most spiritual article of the season.
11
This is a lovely essay. Feeling self-worth, compassion and gratitude are important and should be cultivated as habits of mind. Friendships should also be nurtured. However, for myself I have found that portraying self-confidence has drawn the wrong kinds of people to me. I attract those with low self-worth, perhaps because they think my confidence will rub off on them or they suspect I can help them in some way. They don't have gratitude. I am attracted to others with self-confidence but they often don't have compassion. I ultimately end up dropping all these people as friends. In short it is very difficult to find others who have self-confidence, gratitude and compassion. It is a rare mix, I believe.
6
There might be further illumination gained from a study of people who take Social Security at age 62 vs. those who wait to 65 or, especially, 70. My anecdotal observations are that there is a vast difference in outlook between those who take at 62 vs. later among those I know who have not needed to take at an earlier age due to economic circumstances.
4
There is an emotional surge when I have the courage to ask for help. Usually, this addresses what to others might be routinely handled, but for whatever reason, I find a wall in front of me. Asking for help-whether from God, a family member or friend rarely has anything to do with money. It's more like coming clean with how vulnerable I am and the acceptance of humility. I am no longer surprised to learn that others are often like minded, even eager to reach out and embrace a floundering soul
8
The article is repeating what twelve step programs have been helping addicts and alcoholics understand for almost 100 years. And we do not "make" people feel compassion. The implications for social engineering always hiding in plain sight in studies that try to explain our humanness is frightening. That said, the children who can wait a year for $100 may just be greedier or have felt less deprivation than the other children. The thinking in the article mixes up all kinds of aspects of humanness, trying to tease out values from "behavior," which is never the best way to come to understand how we can live good lives.
3
At about 60+ days ago, at my 66th birthday, I decided to give up alcohol completely. I regularly swim 3x/week, eat pretty well(at high school weight-class of '69), and take NO prescription pills. I wasn't an abusive drinker but felt that I could feel better and should try to MAXIMIZE my health. Much of success in life is all about cultivating good habits. I'm still mired in the age thing but feel much more lucid without alcohol in my life. When I enter the local Kroger, I see a wall of alcohol, front and center. When you abstain, you realize how American society encourages drinking at every turn. May 2018 be healthy and kind to all.
46
Great article. I suspect the strongest social emotions are those most intrinsic to being a social animal -- camaraderie, loyalty and, maybe most important, just not wanting to let your friends down.
The military seems to play on those feelings to get people to make the most significant sacrifices. And I suspect if the marshmallow experiment had been done as a team competition, with teams composed of friends (and assuming the team really cared about winning), I suspect the kids would have had even better results than just the promise of an extra marshmallow.
I've read there's also a correlation between a person's gaining weight and the weight of their friends. (Of course, losing weight is a lot harder.)
So maybe the best New Year's resolution we can make is, like my mom used to say, avoid the kids who are a bad influence: hang out with a better group of friends.
4
The resolution I’ve adopted, not for New Year’s, but in life is to be kind. That’s it.
58
that's it! and remember also to be kind to those who are unkind...to those you don't like...and to those with differing points of view. namaste _/|\_
4
Evolution does not mean perfection and it indeed bestowed us with self control. Human beings have more self control by far than any other animals. They had to, in order to hunt faster and more powerful animals and therefore survive.
And yes, you can transcend your urges by putting yourself in service of others. But that is not a product of evolution. It is more of a liberation from the evolution, a spiritual/religious experience, than a product of evolution. And it is rather ironic to use that for the selfish reason of furthering yourself with self control. I suspect that is self defeating: you want to quit smoking because you care about your family, but you can't care about your family in order quit smoking.
4
I think this argument iis better than nothing, but overall I found his reasoning to be convoluted and unconvincing. It wasn’t gratitude or compassion that kept those kids from holding out for marshmallows.
People can be grateful and compassionate and get things done, sure, but they can also be grateful and compassionate and get nothing accomplished.
For one thing, he fails to say much about people who do achieve goals, with will power as a key tool. This is many, many people. In fact, will *is* our primary tool to get from A to B to Z, so throwing it out isn’t reasonable, and it makes no sense. He doesn’t say this this, because it would undermine his argument that willpower is for chumps, but he’s really talking about how we create an *environment* in which to successfully deploy our will.
So, in my view, the question isn’t so much about “grit” and will power in life achievement, or making it “for chumps." It’s more about understanding the environment we create in order to deploy our will: how we construct our goals, what our personal ideals are, how much we trust the world and others to support us, how well we tolerate discomfort, and our own personal stories and experiences.
I’m not throwing out gratitude and compassion, at all, they are unbelievably important frames of mind (the lack of which is pathologic). But, to me, they are oblique routes to getting things done, and serve to motivate in very specific situations.
14
This resonates so much. I hate exercising but if I'm running with someone, I won't give in to my aching body cause I don't want to let my running partner down. In team races back in high school, I wasn't motivated by personal bests, but make sure I didn't let down the team.
11
As a recovering alcoholic who made heavy use of AA and group therapy to stay sober over a decade (and counting), I can assure you that social bonds, deeply-felt gratitude, and compassion are far more helpful and beneficial than willpower is when it comes to changing ingrained behavior. Perhaps just as important (which seems lost on some of the commenters about announcing their New Year’s resolutions to family members or coworkers) is to understand that those social bonds must be constructive and supportive, not shaming or punitive; and that gratitude and compassion are amplified by service to others, not comparison to others. For me I am at my happiest when I am asking what more can I give or do, not what more can I get (or what am I not getting)!
49
Great article. I did not realize how much what I was doing worked and it made it difficult because I did not know. If I wanted to try something, like giving up alcoholic beverages in January or for lent, I would struggle to do so and found if I publicized what I was doing with friends and family, I did better. So, whenever I kept something like that secret, I could give into and fail without that failure known to my friends. In such efforts, there always is the temptation and that little voice saying, wine with that stew would make it all better etc. But if my partner in life, my wife, understood and gave me that look, I could go forward. I also like the feeling of accomplishment after a success but did not understand I should use that instead of stress during the period. Only thing is, what about changing habits totally. Again, I did not realize that by putting my daily mileage in my shared calendar I was sucking my wife into my attempts to get 5 miles each day. And I do better when I do this. She said the fitbit records it and it is a waste of time, but I now know better. Again, thanks for a great article just before my Dryanuary coming up in two days! I believe there will be less stress this year because of the article.
13
This is a great article on the importance of gratitude and compassion for making us happier. But how will they keep me away from the Hershey kisses?
17
Dear New Years Resolution,
It was great while it lasted.
Sincerely,
January 2nd
4
I wonder: is it the feeling of gratitude per se, or is it the feeling of connection with other people?
14
I've that the secret to happiness is human connection and that's something I've been trying to live by.
Than you for such an inspiring and well-argued thought!
It provides us with a most natural and beneficial way to a healthier and therefore better/happier way of life.
8
The happy effects of positive social relationships are well known. Now, this bears on my resolution to read fewer self-help articles how?
5
You have to learn to defer gratification and in most families, the opportunities don't exist.
7
Fredda, I don't even understand what that means? Do you mean families are all about instant gratification? That they are enablers of the most extreme sort?
Huh...not mine. Not the one I grew up in. Reasonable limits were set, known, and mostly obeyed. Same today. We're not wild animals, we're civilized people. But even wild animals are not in a state of constant self-gratification...far from it.
1
I was hoping for some practical advice in this article but, alas, I didn't find any.
43
Nice sentiment as to personal sentiments and, perhaps, even happiness.
Not so good as for keeping resolutions. In fact, I have noticed the exact opposite of what this Review piece states. From my experience, friends, family, assoicates are most commonly enablers, not lifestyle changers. Whether dieting, exercising, quitting smoking, etc, people in general do not want other people to change much, despite what they say. The familiar is comfortable, and this is why obesity, addictions, etc., are so easy to continue with.
When I attempted to quit smoking at the age of 20, I encouraged a group of fellow college smokers to join me. We all succeeded....for one month. I have not smoked since (41 years), but all of the other friends took it back up again immediately, and the majority have never fully quit. If I had joined in, smoking yet again, I would have been more accepted, more cared for, more integrated, and more belonging. What kind of solution is that?
Instead, what got me to quit, and what has always worked for any self-discipline, is that it is an intensely personal decision to change one's lifestyle. Viewing it any other way invites co-dependent neuroses as to the 'why' of what you are doing. 'I'm doing it for persons X, Y, Z' is fundamentally a cop-out. Effectively, it is saying that one is fundamentally weak and flawed and that in another's influence is salvation. This the AA schtick, and it is nothing more than substituting one form of dependence for another.
18
Maybe I’ve missed something but I’m deeply suspicious of any idea of ‘success’ particularly when applied to our selves. If I (but who am I?) can be emotionally successful doesn’t that imply that I can be an emotional failure? Isn’t this just helping create another layer of anxiety? Yet another area for people to congratulate themselves for their extraordinary compassion or chastise themselves for their callous indifference? It seems to me that it is only once we’ve become aware of the fact that what we regard as ‘I’ is just a series of contradictory opinions and values accumulated randomly depending entirely on the accident of our birth and only when we understand that we are all in the same boat that we can start to ‘let go’. This frees room for compassion which is surely a byproduct of authentic self knowledge and not another imaginary realm to excel (or fail) in?
9
May, my deepest condolences for your unthinkable loss. Only those who have lost a child know the searing pain that plants itself in our gut , quietly rumbling on some days (when we're lucky), exploding every inch of our bodies the on others I understand, as my son took his life 3 years ago.
Be grateful..... no, I don't think so. Grateful takes on a whole new meaning for those who lost a child. I'm grateful I have 2 other amazing sons, of course. But for us, we can only give half of our
hearts to the word grateful, because our other half lies with our children.
May, I wish you peace in this holiday season remembering your sweet son's memory.
9
Thank you, this is a wonderful article. My only criticism, if it can be called that, is about the title. When I first saw it, I thought Oh well, or maybe Oh no, not another New Year's Resolutions article. But in fact, it seems to me to be an extremely suggestive direction of research and a seemingly much-needed change in thinking. I'm glad to find it at the top of the most emailed list. My only concern is that people will remember it as a New-Year's resolution article, rather than what it seems to actually be - a step toward a necessary change in psychological understanding. I hope to see more articles exploring and expanding on this topic in the future, as I believe we will.
3
As someone in the past who has experienced grit and perseverance at all costs including my health, I agree with what happens when your rational about your New Year's Resolutions. It's never worked for me nor do I believe will work for others and why I discount keeping resolutions at all. I prefer "word of the year" it takes the stress off having to work towards something and failing at it soo well. Nobody likes to feel a failure at least I know I don't. Emotions are what builds relationships and really like the concept to use your emotions however in a 9-second type of life in social media while working towards our resolutions and everything else on our list how much time are we willing to invest in having to build relationships with others? The reason I use twitter v's facebook is due to the time and effort you need to invest on Facebook. I love people don't get me wrong I just much rather use a word I will focus and laser on to keep me accountable therefore building relationships will not seem a duty or a job due to a NYE resolution. It will just feel natural. Do people really have time to support my goals or vise versa?
2
I have a New Year’s wish for all of us. I would like to get up every morning and go to a place where we could discuss ideas, maybe even change the way we look at life, and make the world a better place to live. This would be a place where the exchange of ideas would be as valuable a thing as the exchange rate of the dollar. A place where thought is as valued as skill, where intuition ranks high and spiritual insights are our gold standard. A place where actual money has little if any effect on human lives. A place where a person’s soul can live out its natural days without grievous outside activity wearing it down. A place where we can all begin a better life. This is my wish and hope for 2018.
40
If and when you find where this place is, please let me know... I'm in!
7
Oh my gosh! Well put. Thank you for those thoughts!
I’m posting them on the door of my 5th Grade classroom when I return to school on Tuesday.
1
"Working hard to keep up your end of a deal.... In exchange, you reap the benefits of those strong relationships down the line." Or not. Sometimes, willpower comes from accepting that we strive to be "fair, honest, generous, diligent and loyal" even when others - kin, colleagues - can't or won't.
Thus what we're most grateful for is our own capacity for resilience and self-reliance, remembering that we've been through worse than whatever the present demands of us. If we seem "warm and justifiably confident," maybe that equanimity comes from being able to to play the appearance-of-reciprocity game: Give, and do for others, but don't expect much in return, and know also that nobody else will keep those resolutions for you.
6
Gratitude, compassion, generosity - all central elements of the great religious traditions. As a Jesuit, Catholic priest I’m delighted to read this article, and I’m grateful for a tradition that combats loneliness not with possessions or self-reliance, but communities of support that encourage compassion, forgiveness, and generosity to those in need. I think of Jesuit Refugee Services, Catholic Relief Services, and volunteer corps of all religious stripes—all done for the glory of God *and* the care of people in need. No church is perfect, but at their best, communities of faith offer structures and language to cultivate the ideas mentioned here. Communities of faith also keep us from growing cynical when will power and grit (almost inevitably) fail us on January 8! AMDG
26
Those who make changes based in deeply-rooted moral convictions don't wait for New Year's. They make them the moment they realize they are necessary.
28
Exactly. The artificial starting point of January 1st encourages us to put their lives into a kind of limbo prior to that. Thus we are all susceptible to the excesses of the merry-making season.
The only way to keep your resolutions is to change your thinking from "I have to do this" to "I want to do this". Just list the positive benefits that will come from following through on those resolutions and you are 90% on your way to success. Then watch the compound effect spring into action.
42
"Our tendency to be shortsighted — to value the pleasures of the present more than the satisfactions of the future — comes at a considerable cost."
That statement encapsulates the American business model. Shortsightedness is rewarded; long-term vision is not. If it were, we would not have people in so-called leadership roles who ignore and deny the reality that they are contributing to the environmental decline of our shared world, let alone our shared society. Republicanism and unfettered markets that call for ever increasing competition and consumerism are antithetical to compassion, gratitude, and appropriate self-esteem (here referred to as "pride"). They are truly making us sick. Sick from high levels of stress; sick from low levels of social connection and sharing.
Are people who express dominance, competitiveness, and greed happy? Example A is the so-called president, a self-proclaimed billionaire who never seems to laugh or even smile. It is more of a grimace. The Christmas day photo of Trump and Melania was telling. Each sitting on a chair, phone in hand, and turned away from one another. I thought, "Gee, has anyone thought to introduce these two strangers? They in the same room and oblivious to each other."
In our lives, we should count our riches in the number and strength of our relationships for they outlast all things material. The author speaks of valuing the future, but I think compassion and gratitude are their own reward right now.
8
Republicanism is not Trump. Democratism is not Clinton.
2
Agreed and I did not mean to imply that for either.
Republicanism is vile on its own. It doesn't need Trump.
Clinton is what used to be called a New England Republican, liberal on social issues and joined at the hip with capitalism.
6
Trump is the perfect example of Republicanism: "Got mine; screw you."
5
My graduate students and I have been studying immigrant savings circles where a group of 10 or so sets aside $100 per week with each getting a payout of $1,000 every ten weeks (can be more or less than theis). Disciplined savings, mutual accountability and mutual support ae the secrets of success. In almost all the groups we studied the other members help out in case of illness or a death and meetings are a chance to share a meal, celebrate traditions from their home countries. So there you are all in a package community, gratitude, making a difference and reducing stress with a cushion of savings or starting a business. Seems to hit all the reward buttons - both "grit and grace" illustrated in this DeSteno's excellent piece. The title of my upcoming piece "What Immigrants can Teach Us About Achieving the American Dream."
20
On a broader spectrum, few can find the emotions to pay tax increases to benefit future generations, cost increases to reduce climate change, or make personal sacrifices to benefit the world’s poor. When the right thing calls for donating money for remote benefit, the necessary emotions seem to be extremely rare.
11
The only way I keep my New Year resolutions is to not make them.
12
Most people set goals too high and stop out of frustration. I break all jobs into many then I do one thing every day that I don’t care to it’s slow but it works and it doesn’t hurt to be obsessive.
8
Nice article. After having read dozens of books on the topic of success I’m thankful for the research and its findings. As a young man my grit, discipline and strong willpower propelled my from my Bronx roots, through a very good University to a good living. But I’ve found that the will power waned and waffled and began a cycle of blame and doubt. I’ve clinged to the tough-it-out mental mindset too long. Recent reading and a gratitude journal are bringing me around, though slowly. Thank you for your work.
29
Hmm. But what advice do you have for those who find it even more difficult or impossible to practice gratitude and compassion?
6
"Hmm. But what advice do you have for those who find it even more difficult or impossible to practice gratitude and compassion?"
Do it anyway. Practice gratitude for being able to be warm and safe when you see a person living on the street. Then follow it up with compassion by opening your heart and your wallet to ease their suffering. You will be sincerely thanked almost every time, and you will feel better about yourself in the process. It isn't a gift you give to the recipient; it is a gift you give to you.
12
Gratitude is very closely related to hope and is probably one of the deeper foundations of most religions (fear coming as close second). Actually, one can put aside religion of any sort just by allowing oneself to appreciate and feel grateful for even the seemingly most insignificant or trivial aspects of life. Dwelling in it as much as possible nurtures an enduring peaceful ecstasy that helps overcome much of the suffering which is a necessary part of life. It is the quiet force that makes for resiliency in the face of the inevitable flow of bad news in one's personal life as in the world around us. This being said, I still struggle with tobacco addiction, but I am grateful for this article, which might help me put to this particular use a resource which I credit for most of what is valuable in my life.
7
Be kind to yourself when you think about quitting tobacco. You are not addicted because you lack will power; you are addicted because the product is manufactured to make it as difficult to quit as possible. Recovering heroin abusers have told me that quitting heroin was easier than quitting tobacco. Think about that for a minute.
When you do quit, you will stumble and use again. Each time, remind yourself that relapse is a normal, expected part of recovery. It doesn't mean you have failed; it means you are on your way out of addiction. Start over again each time. The relapses will get shorter and further apart over time until you realize one day that you no longer think about smoking - or drinking or overeating. It is the same process for everything.
5
Gratitude is very useful in reaching a number of goals, including lowering levels of depression and increasing levels of wellbeing.
Nonetheless, gratitude must be paired with a goal and a method to achieve it. It is not enough in and of itself.
For example, if I want to lose weight, I find that small goals of 1-2 pounds a week, a healthy and sustainable goal, work better than thinking of 25 pounds in two months. At the same time, rather than put off pleasure in eating, I must focus on it. A small piece of pie or one chocolate candy can be as satisfying as much larger portions if I really focus on the enjoyment of eating them. Rather than self-control or willpower, I rely on living in the moment. It works.
19
Spot on!
There is a finite supply of willpower. One can only white knuckle things so far.
Each time I have given up a vice, I did so by filling my head with so much information that my vice was powerless to overcome it. Each time I gave something up, I became a different, better person. I packed my head with information + it flicked a switch. I cannot believe that I was ever a:
-3 pack a day smoker (I went through a 7th Day Adventist weeklong smoking cessation course, and learned how valuable B vitamins are... they are nerve calming)
-problem drinker (I tried everything. Moderation Management. Wellbutrin. Half bottles of wine. Then I read Rational Recovery, identified my beast and drove my spouse bonkers by snickering and saying, "Heh heh. It wants a drink. But I don't drink!")
I gave up drugs like 35 years ago.
I quit smoking 28 years ago.
I quit drinking almost 9 years ago. Oh, at last, soon will come the day when I can say, I gave up alcohol TEN years ago!
A few years ago I confessed that very occasionally I "wished", say at Christmas Dinner, or a wedding, that I could have one glass of wine. But I recognized it recently as more of a wistful feeling, and have not even felt that for the last few years.
When I quit smoking, so many people told me I'd never get over it, that I'd always miss it + always crave it. But I'm here to tell everyone: You will forget. You will be someone new.
69
Another way to hold this idea to the light: if we can be gentler, less forceful, more reasonable with both our expectations and the fluctuating results of our developing capacity ( for whatever our goals are); if we can, as my counselor puts it, “hang out with the good feelings of self compassion first, of moments say after exercising instead of pushing the afterglow down in order to answer a text; if we can enjoy the good moments by actually feeling them, then we might gain the experience/ memory of what joy feels like, which we can then share...with others, oh, yeah, and meditating, that’s another way to learn about yo self ...this is shared wisdom.
12
one only need look to AA and other 12 step groups to see social bonds, gratitude and self sacrifice producing positive outcomes for people for whom will-power failed.
15
This piece has political implications as well. Gratitude, compassion and (earned) pride are in very short supply in our political leadership; rather, the opposites of resentment, hate, meanness, and arrogance are daily modeled by the current president, his administration, and many of his supporters. To have a society that works, we need social relationships based on trust and genuine regard for others, not only on a personal level but on an institutional level as well. In doubling down on divisiveness and contempt, by measuring human worth solely through monetary income, and by substituting false claims of "victory" over real accomplishments, Trump and the Republicans in Congress threaten to destroy our ability to maintain a liveable society.
22
It's hard to argue with a column which promotes cultivation of "the social emotions": bonding, compassion, empathy...but "willpower, grit and rational thought" take a bit of a hit in helping to achieve difficult but worthwhile goals. The latter are apparently recent constructs.
"From an evolutionary perspective, the fact that exercising willpower doesn’t come naturally to us makes a lot of sense. For millenniums, what led to success wasn’t the ability to study for exams.... For most of our evolutionary history, none of these self-focused goals mattered or even existed".
If studying for exams is your criterion for willpower, sure. Our early ancestors were hunter-gatherers, living an unforgiving existence. Willpower, in the form of persisting for days or weeks in pursuit of a goal despite discomfort and fatigue, must have been paramount. Failure to plan for the coming seasons, rationally, would again lead to starvation and death.
Surely compassion, bonding and empathy are not forces opposing rational thought and grit. Perhaps they should be used together.
12
https://www.newyorker.com/cartoon/a20684
Can't resist posting the above link for anyone who missed this New Yorker cartoon, which shows Chief Justice Roberts administering the marshmallow test to the Donald during his Inauguration--that one with the record-breaking attendance. This one's for you, Betsy. Just do your best to keep laughing.
26
This article feels like it was written by David Brooks, the Times’ resident moralist.
There is nothing high-minded about what plays as human unselfishness. It might not be actually calculable, but it is instinctually calculated by all social animals, the group of which we are members.
It is true that self-control has played no part in our success and survival as a species, but social controls have been with us since before language. We are punished and rewarded by the collective. We are conditioned by our group. Our troubles mushroomed with the size of our collectives (civilizations and cultures) and the introduction of the concept of the individual. That’s why we say it’s “spirutual” to forget the self and feel one is “part of something larger.” It’s not spiritual, it’s just less stress being less individual.
3
Hah-Hah! Make no promises, no vows, no resolutions -- this is the only way to live life free of a feeling of guilt. Then, when you do something that you believe is good, you can pat yourself on the shoulder and enter a fat red dot in your diary.
5
“It’s far more likely that what led to success was strong social bonds — relationships that would encourage people to cooperate and lend support to one another”. This is the point at which this article veers off into supposition and never recovers. It is a flimsily constructed argument to support the author’s idea of what constitutes the origin of morality (in his view, morality arises from self-interest), and sort of makes the case that morality is implicated in the survival of our species. In an amoral universe, this preachy essay reeks of tired seasonal tropes. Probably ordered to fill space in the Times with something seasonally appropriate. Bah.
6
“Always love. Hate will get you every time”. ~ Nada Surf
And by hate I mean the efforts to force, fix, will, and otherwise aggressively control ourselves. Such avoidance motivation depletes humans and activates stress physiology with harmful consequences for body, mind, and behavior. In contrast, approaching what we care about for those, including ourselves, whom we love motivates, energizes, inspires, heals, and supports conditions that lead to creative and healthy change.
Beautifully written Dr. DeSteno! Creating conditions for friendly and loving relationships will surely “give us not only grit but also grace…” & the evidence is abundant in support of this!
6
How dos done separate gratitude from resentment?
1
can't help but think this book has already been written in 1978: The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth
Book by M. Scott Peck. just simple delayed gratification IMHO
6
Was it the compassion and gratitude that Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin felt towards the Axis Powers, or to all those in and out of uniform fighting against Hitler and his chums, which led to victory?
Was it compassion and gratitude that led to the defeat of Da'esh in Mesopotamia?
Of course not! To defeat evil, to avert disaster, to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat when facing overwhelming odds, to rescue a child from a burning house, to defend oneself against assailants, compassion and gratitude will not suffice.
To overcome adversity, one must have a solid, well-thought out plan, have sufficient experience, wisdom, insight, resources and power, and then put that plan into action bringing all one's resources, power and the rest into play.
Often, the process is even simpler. To defeat Trump and his minions, for example, the solution is straightforward. Those entitled to vote must vote. That is all that is needed.
7
Colseno,
Yes, at root, it was compassion for those who were tyrannized and gratitude for lives of freedom and tolerance that gave strength to those who successfully defeated the Axis powers.
1
Would you like to have a few more jobs today or a livable earth in a hundred years? Choose wisely.
24
Want to know the "best way to increase our self-control?" Walk into a doctor's office when you're, oh, 62. You've just dropped 45 pounds, exercise daily and except for a few bouts of dizziness, you feel great. After an echo-cardiogram, you're told that your right carotid is 80-90% blocked; a subsequent visit to a vascular surgeon lets you know that the artery has to be cleaned and a stent inserted to open it up so blood can flow more easily to the brain. You have to stop smoking so you hand your cigarettes to the doctor, go home and throw out the last remaining pack from a carton. You find out that those "bouts of dizziness" accompanied by something called "hooding" - when your vision is limited for several seconds to seeing things only below the horizon - which were, in essence, several mini-strokes. Keep smoking? Die!! 1,039 days without a cigarette and no more blockage; there's your self-control!!! Now, about those 45 pounds.....
160
The only way to keep your resolutions? Don't make them.
3
Including drink more beer and eat more BBQ is also effective.
4
I'm in complete tune with the theme and (gentle) force of this piece, but one thing the author doesn't touch on is that acquisitiveness and material ambition tend to take a backseat to gratitude and grace as the years pass. For most human beings, anyway (it doesn't seem to apply to certain government "officials" who will remain nameless). Wisdom accumulates and comes to the fore as we're forced to look backward while the "forward" reveals its temporal limits. Perhaps it's a coping or survival mechanism, but at age 57 I find myself leaning more on friendship and family for signs of "success" these days, just as my Dad did at age 51 when he woke up one day, coughed up some blood and quit smoking on the spot after ripping through three packs of Tareytons a day. That took a powerful combination of fear, willpower and compassion, as I was only 11 and my brother was 9. He wanted to stick around to see us grow up into men. He sacrificed immediate pleasure for a longer-term gain. That's tougher for the younger, striving set to attain, and I understand why. It's human nature.
2
I really wish that the Times would push contributors to offer more balanced and carefully argued pieces on social science. I realize that this is an opinion piece but the author refers to research without really describing it or offering alternative theories as part of a balanced account. This piece boils down to arguing that social factors can be strong motivators or reinforcers and that most resolutions are not kept. Wow, who knew?
21
Allan Carr's "Easyway" approach works for me and reinforces much in this essay (etoh).
This is some sort of liberal trick that will culminate in a low-paid, low-skilled job or worse, life on the dole. I'm grateful for Fox News for imparting the wisdom to me to spot this misfeasance. Recommends commence.
The book, The Polsh Peasant, records this battle in the words of the peasants. Success is oppossed by the family which seeks relationships to be maintained within the family patriachy leads to ACE. Important for you to distinguish famly from success wihout leading society back to family power and corruption.
1
Thank you, Mr. David DeSTENO! :-)
I have failed with the willpower approach, especially when it comes to eating and saving money. I am also deeply mindful that unlike most people in the world, I have what I need to thrive. So here's my way forward for 2018, given the advice in this piece:
1. I am grateful for my body and how well it works. Therefore I am going to take better care of it by eating less and starting strength training.
2. I care about my children's long term health, so I am going to model better eating habits.
3. I appreciate all that my parents provided for me, so I will set aside more for my children's college funds.
We'll see. This has been a helpful exercise for me! Would love to hear how others are doing it.
9
It is amazing how often these so called expert articles are just flat out wrong. I can only guess this is the result of naked careerism on the part of the “experts”—publish or perish, as they say in academia. For my part, thirty years ago I finally did what few accomplish—I quit smoking. And I’ll tell you, will power and gratitude had precious little to do with it. What did work were fear, self-manipulation and substitutive behavior. First, I allowed my own fear of sickness and death to be fully frontal—no attempts to put a smiley face on the loathsome physical effects of smoking and my own experiences which such things as a series of small strokes behind my right eye. Second, I changed my identity—I became a non-smoker and a particularly obnoxious one at that. Everything about tobacco use—the filth, the stink, the humiliating dependence—became odious, as did the pathetic lowlife who used it. Third, I conned myself with substitutive behavior. Every time I grabbed for a weed, I found something else—like a carrot stick or a toothpick. And I made sure that at my favorite times and places for smoking, I was somewhere else—instead of happy hour, I was taking a walk. And so forth. Well, I’m certainly no expert—except that I’ve been free of that filthy habit for thirty years. So good luck with those resolutions. I hope you find something that works…but it probably won’t be in this article.
133
Congratulations on a remarkable accomplishment. You might try applying some of the ideas in the article in other areas of your life. With your determination you might be able to make them work.
2
Each to his own. I prefer gratitude, humility and concern for others - starting with my family - to be a better course than self-condemnation and angry criticism of others. Calling out "lowlife" to motivate my efforts to improve would seem a shame.
9
In early days I heard the story of the young man who repeatedly banged his head on the floor. When asked why he replied, 'It feels so good when I stop'. And not only, that head banging probably helped him ignore larger issues of life, like who am I, why am I here, what do I owe to life? Gratitude, pride and compassion are elements of survival in that context.
1
This article tries to explain, somewhat incoherently, what 12-step programs have always known. The way to maintain abstinence (or to stick to a resolution), is to 1) ask a higher power for help
2) be humble and grateful
3) perform service for others
Thank you, Bill Wilson.
213
And for those that don't believe in a "higher power"? I have never needed to believe in a mythical creature in the sky to be diligent, delay gratification, assist others, and feel and act on empathy.
10
A higher power in this context can be anything that frees you from self-centeredness. It's kinder to not belittle those who find a traditional understanding of God helpful. Not part of how I move thro the world, but there's room for other ideas
3
There is no denying that 12-step programs are some of the most striking demonstrations of the power of self-compassion--and of social compassion. I credit the article for also addressing the flip side of the issue--that strict self-discipline is not always effective or healthy, either for individuals or society. I believe that we'll all be better off when both of these points are more widely acknowledged and appreciated.
4
The only way to keep one's resolutions is not to make any. One does not have to resolve to be a better person in order to be a better person.
4
Yes Yes Yes......
Paramhansa Yogananda (author of Autobiography of a Yogi) said that will power is all well and good but it is better to be around a community of like minded people. To help with the exercising of moral actions.
Benjamin Franklin also thought Church congregations to be an important element in village or township life because when fellow members are keeping their eyes on each other they tended to live a little better in the community.
One way involves using compassion to help get to the goal, the other uses guilt. Both involve interaction with one's community.
I was given some great advice by my dear friend Swami D....... who said when a person reaches his/her 60's the chances of a real change in habits or personalities is pretty slim; but he said, living in super consciousness no matter what one does is a valuable exercise in living well.
80
Nice to hear a spiritual take.
The assertion that church congregations keep each other in line through guilt shows a profound lack of understanding of the actual dynamics of a successful congregation. While guilt has made for some great literature and theater, the more typical mutual support, spirit of open inquiry, and true community of a healthy congregation isn't as entertaining. It is, however, vastly more satisfying for those participating.
3
I think Franklin must have held some complex thoughts on organized congregations (since the quote does make sense to me):
http://www.intellectualtakeout.org/blog/why-benjamin-franklin-hated-goin...
I think congegrations also act as schools of democracy, since many of them are member run via committees, and people get a sense of how to make a motion, vote on it, and follow through.
2
Great. This helps us be happy better citizens and is a strength based perspective of health. But will it help lose weight? Many a resolution for the new year is based on losing weight not on being a better person.
1
Inspiring, thoughtful article, actually summing up what the core of the world's major religions have taught through the ages: "Do unto others" - "Love their neighbor as thyself" - "Better to give than to receive" ... These religious maxims support evolutionary biology----the more you invest in others, the more contentment and support from the group (and ultimately your survival) you experience. 'Tis a shame that our secularized society no longer provides a venue to drill these truths into the heads of our phone-focused young. Of course, religious bigotry (a la Roy Moore) is a downside of the "wrong" kind of drilling. The decline of progressive/mainstream houses of worship in the U.S. and Europe is believed to be responsible for the reported increase in feelings of loneliness and alienation in the Western world.
New Years Resolutions also speak to a very American phenomenon of being superficial and thoughtless most of the time, but then choosing an arbitrary moment to reflect on the big picture and look for a quick fix for it. Starting on this date, youre going to change everything and make your life better right away. It seems so naive. Really we should be reflecting on our lives regularly, and looking at ways to solve the problems in our lives on every day that ends with a Y. If you want to succeed, its clear that the motivation has to come from within, it cant come from an external detail like the changing of the year. When you truly want something, you want it as soon as possible and would never make yourself wait for an arbitrary date, so if you really want that resolution accomplished, start now, dont even wait until January.
3
Our politicians needs to start feeling gratitude towards the people who've elected them, and act accordingly by making long range plans that benefit everyone, not just their donors.
33
A few years ago I started a new New Year's tradition. Instead of making resolutions that don't usually stick I started a gratitude basket. As the year goes on I put special notes, ticket stubs, and other mementos of the year into the basket. Then at the end of December I dump it all on my rug and savor the memories from the year, expanding my feelings of gratitude. Now after reading this excellent article I know that there's science behind my instinct to go with gratitude not resolutions. Thank you!
262
What a wonderful idea! Thank you for sharing. You lifted my spirits, and your idea is the first thing I am putting in my basket. Best wishes in 2018!
6
Thank you, great idea
2
Great idea! We're going to try that.
Valuing oneself goes a long way in doing what benefits oneself whether financially and physically. Also learning from the lessons of others helps a lot - I have seen many who do not have healthy habits, do not plan for the future, etc. There is no need to copy bad examples. I was not the most disciplined person in my youth but I have taken lessons from those around me; in my case I did not learn from the good examples, it was the bad ones that were the best teachers.
1
This thinking reminds me of my military service in the U.S. Marine Corps, from 1967-1970, including two years in Vietnam during the war. In training, we were motivated by fear, mostly, but also by becoming part of a group, and we felt the need to succeed not just as individuals, but also as members of that group. In war, the motivation to succeed, it seemed to me, was almost entirely one of being connected to those with whom we served, and fear as motivation was replaced by the need to work together. I don't celebrate my service; the best day of my life was the day I was honorably discharged and allowed to return home, but I still feel pride in the competence and sacrifice of my fellow Marines, and all through my life I've been able to find the strength I need in my love for others.
20
Please help me out. Still can't figure what the author is saying, or whether he had anything to say in the first place. If the author's point is that positive social emotions are worth cultivating in their own right, I certainly agree but nothing new under the sun, here. If, on the other hand, the author is specifically trying to demonstrate that positive social emotions will lead us "to eat better, to save more money, to work harder, to drink less," then his case can most charitably be described as very tenuous.
22
I understand that feelings of gratitude and compassion can slow your heart rate, lower your blood presure and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. But I don't see how those feelings are going to help me abide by a resolution to lose weight. Because I will value the future more? That seems pretty weak. The point is that there is not one cure-all for keeping your resolutions. Positive reinforcement, feelings of gratitude and compassion and willpower (e.g., "I think I can, I think I can" as in the Little Engine that Could) all have a role to play in helping us keep our resolutions.
8
Perhaps you haven't felt real gratitude, authentic compassion, or true pride for a long time. Trust your feelings.
1
Human frailty can be summarized succinctly in a simple question: Are you a giver or a taker? My 67 years of age and experience concludes the answer covers everything one needs to know about any individual.
Takers are impatient, impulsive, greedy, egotistical and usually self-destruct in the long term.
Givers are patient, thoughtful, responsible and positive towards life in general.
Givers are generally far happier people than takers.
22
I prefer the Jocko Willink approach:"You want to get better? You want to self-improve? Stop looking for a short cut and go find your alarm clock. Find your passion, find your guts, and find your WILL. And then you will find your freedom." Discipline = Freedom.
78
Great! And good on ya. Then do something nice for someone else who might be struggling themselves. Bonus joy points! ;)
4
This is a laudable goal when you can muster the discipline. But this kind of "self"-discipline (or grit, or even resilience) seems to presuppose one person against the forces of inertia or entropy. One person isolated from all of the forces (social and biological) that produced them. This is like flying blind.
In contrast, the writer suggests that the forces that help us succeed long term are rooted in social trust and benevolence. See @Chris T and @Laura Salmon NYT Picks comments for a more detailed explanation.
3
Where do you find the freedom to make mistakes? Where do you find the freedom to fail? Where do you find the freedom to recover?
3
When I first got sober in 1983, I went to AA where I learned a couple of lessons that somehow had never before gotten through my thick skull: 1) estimable actions lead to estimable feelings; and 2) to stay sober you don't have to be graceful, but you do have to be grateful.
We were encouraged to make gratitude lists. While my cynical self found such a task to be remarkably Ward and June Cleaver, I did begin to feel gratitude in that whenever I showed up for a meeting, I was not alone. People arrived who were willing to share their darkest moments and their current states.
At first, I was so filled with rage that the slightest incident (someone snapping gum on a public bus, for example) could set me off. Because I wasn't alone, I learned that if you meet more than a couple of jerks today, take a moment to reflect on who else might be a jerk.
The next step was service, giving freely to others what had been given freely to me. Understanding that I had only my experience, and not my expertise, to share, I did not feel pressure to perform. I was there to be helpful, not to run someone else's life.
From a furious man who drank to escape his own rage, I built a life. Today I have two grown children and recently retired from a service business that I built from scratch. I have so many reasons to be grateful, and I am.
I found out that it is possible to be remarkably flawed, as I continue to be, without repeatedly escaping via self-destructive activity. For that I'm grateful.
939
Thank you for this, Jack. How much life you express in so few words. Raging at gum-snaps on a public bus. Been there. Been the opposite, too, when I could laugh and feel grateful for my human foolishness.
9
Thank you for sharing this brief personal history. I found it very touching, and very inspiring, and very humbling.
10
I wish my alcoholic son who lost his struggle could have met you
6
All true, but personality dictates how it all plays out for any individual.
1
If you value the goal, the effort or sacrifice will be worth it. If you're overweight from eating too many sweets, you've probably already decided you'd rather be overweight and have your sweets than be slim without them. Be honest with yourself! And who ever said what we're told is success = happiness? "Fat and happy" may be a cliché but it's also often true.
2
I had only one resolution for 2017 which was to write and publish my book. I accomplished it by October of this year. So here is what I learned: Make one big resolution and then come up with everything you have to do to achieve that.
The 2018 resolution is to get others to buy, read and practice what's in my book.
4
And what if one fails to nurture these social traits? What if one can’t seem to master gratitude, compassion, etc. in the manner prescribed by yet another self-improvement “study”? The result will be precisely the same guilt and sense of failure that comes from eating that danish you were determined to shun or allowing your gym membership to languish underutilized. Maybe the better question to ask oneself is who’s goals one is striving to attain. Are your goals really yours? Or did some new body of “scientific research,” once again, tell you what your goals should be?
5
Great article.
This seems like good advice for parenting as well. Give your children pride and fill them with grattitude instead of railing them with 'shoulda's'
4
The headline question interested me, so I opened the article, skimmed down to the answer: "Social Emotions," and that meant that I didn't have to read all that verbiage. This is the valuable lesson I learned in college, sixty years ago.
2
Life is too short, especially with Trump. We should just do whatever pleases us within the rule of law
4
Compassion is a wonderful quality to have. The lack of it, to me, would make me feel less human. I'm sorry for the loss you feel at this time.
PEACE
1
I agree with what you say here, but things look quite different in our political and entertainment culture. We have a president and congress who have basically gotten their way by lying, breaking the rules, and giving common people the shaft. They seem successful, even though they are not behaving with the kind of "social emotion" you're calling for.
We're seeing a backlash against celebrity culture with the #MeToo movement, but the icons being shaded right now (and others) used unethical practices to make millions of dollars. They have a nice pile of money to cushion their landing. And, don't be surprised when they re-emerge in the limelight after the #MeToo fever passes.
I'm not being cynical, but my question is how we curb the raw greed of wealthy people who take advantage of the rest of our goodwill, caring, sharing, and other "social emotions." Obviously, appealing to their better natures or shaming them doesn't work.
We need to find ways to build social structures that reinforce the good behaviors we want to see in our society. Instead of giving massive tax cuts to wealthy people, we need to bring that money back down into the lives of everyday people. That will help all of us feel more patient, less anxious, and less depressed.
The lack of self-control is in greedy people and their lackeys. We need to do something about that.
18
In nudging the mind to be more patient and more selfless, they benefit everyone whom our decisions impact, including our own future selves. In short, they give us not only grit but also grace.
Could there be a better example of the the wages of selfishness and impatience than the current occupant of the Oval Office? Grossly overweight, essentially friendless, and terribly, terribly unhappy every minute of the day someone isn't telling him how wonderful he is...
8
I wish our president would follow this advice in 2018!
3
I managed to quit smoking and drinking, 6 years ago, but am still working on my health, and my finances. This article is inspiring. Never give up!
249
It was through the community of Women for Sobriety that made it possible to give up drinking 13 years ago. Now it's on to smoking, but it is hard to find a community to help you get over the mountain. For me it is more difficult. Also you ignore the range of humanity from the outgoing to those like me who are introverts. I luckily and gratefully I fell into teaching and it was a rewarding career that required compassion on a high level Retirement is more difficult. ChesBay never give up doesn't mean success. Self-control still plays a part. All this advise will not help me loose 5 lbs so I can fit into my clothes more comfortably. No amount of compassion and gratitude will make my brain crave kale instead of sugar. There is no one answer.
2
Love this piece. The best example of the author’s thesis is found in the rooms of AA, where people, doomed by addiction, learn a way of life dependent on gratitude, honesty, humility, and empathy, and can leave the drink alone.
1
Nothing new here. Twelve Step programs based on spiritual foundations and principles like gratitude, generosity towards fellow sufferers, and acknowledgement that we can never fully recover from our bad habits and entrenched addictions without also admitting that we have no power over them have been around for many years. There are meetings for everything that has power over us and control us. Food and particularly sugar has always been my drug of choice. Overeaters Anonymous has helped me and has saved my physical, emotional, and spiritual life. It has helped me cope with family losses, tragedies, and just life. My OA friends are invaluable to me because they are the only ones I can turn to at any time and with whom I can fully share my struggles and joys. For the New Year, I recommend that whatever your drug of choice, overspending, gambling, drugs, alcohol, food, or sex, find a 12 step meeting near you and give it a good try. Love to all especially to May!
1
Willpower is not a single talent. It is made up of the executive functions of the brain, which include motivation, initiation, perseverance. Brain Dysfunctions which affect executive functions, such as ADHD and EFD, are going to result in a person appearing to be lacking willpower, not through an unwillingness to do something but through a brain-based inability to activate these functions.
1
I have no doubt in the truth of what the author says, but the closest he comes to linking the 'social emotions' with 'resolutions' (changes in behavior) is a non-specific reference: "gratitude and compassion have been tied to better academic performance...and lower levels of ... impulsivity and tobacco and alcohol use." Well, that's very... nice.
I have no doubt that being conscious of things to be grateful for is good for my mental health. But it's not at all clear or obvious how one uses gratitude and compassion to better motivate oneself to get up early to exercise or practice scales on an instrument.
How does my compassion for the homeless help me avoid too much chocolate ice cream let alone really addictive substances?? Not discussed! No idea.
The article speaks a certain truth, and certainly leaves one with a good feeling, but it basically fails in the explicit goal in the title: The way to keep your resolutions.
28
Agreed. This is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading the article: so HOW exactly is gratitude, compassion, etc. supposed to motivate me to excercise more in 2018?
3
I agree. I am in a profession that requires compassion, but I’m no better at keeping resolutions than the average Josephine. Lots of people who maintain athletic discipline or the like are not, in my opinion, more likely to be grateful. In fact, they generally are self-absorbed. It feels good to do for others and to be in community, but alas, I don’t think it keeps most people from indulgences. Finally, there is also compassion fatigue—too much giving leads to stress and lack of time for self care. A nice article but a long stretch.
Kind of off-topic, but want to point out that the author's use of "grit", if it's supposed to be a reference to Angela Duckworth's research (which I suspect is the case, since he put it in quotes) then he is succumbing to a very common misunderstanding of Duckworth.
"Grit", as Duckworth uses the word, does not mean simple determination and mindless perseverance. It is not "grit" when you doggedly slog your way through boring multiplication tables simply because your teacher told you to.
Duckworth's Grit refers to how one responds to failure. Grit means that when you fail you don't turn to something else in order to avoid emotional distress; you try again. Grit often correlates with what Carol Dweck would call "growth mindset": instead of associating failure with one's own (imagined) intrinsic inferiority, those with grit recognize that failure simply indicates the need for more practice.
Not a terribly important distinction in terms of the article, but this common misunderstanding of Duckworth has resulted in a lot of bad practice and policy.
17
There is much truth in the finding that happy, and self confident, people have relatively less self control. One reason many rich and successful people, especially those who have achieved wealth easily, tend to do wrong things because they can't think bad behavior have consequences. They think no matter what future will be manageable. Their ego makes gives them a false sense of security; rules of life don't apply to me. So it is possible the author is right about "social emotions" being more helpful in keeping New Year's resolutions.
3
Isn't the "marshmallow test" as much about trust as self-control? A child who doesn't believe the promise of a second marshmallow later, or thinks that someone will take the first marshmallow away, is likely to eat immediately. In the absence of trust, self-control is irrelevant. Is the later success of those who wait for the larger prize really about trust?
539
That shows precisely why we are wired to want instant gratification. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially if obtaining those two in the bush depends on the questionable trust of another person.
3
Trust is the foundation of everything good.
3
Rather, trustworthiness is the foundation.
To May and Mary,
You have suffered an egregious loss, and you are entitled to feel the entire range of emotions, even the so-called taboo ones, such as rage and loss of faith. No one can tell you what is appropriate, no one. And beware of the bromides that you receive from those who have not suffered the same loss that you have suffered. You cannot focus on gratitude prematurely, though something like it will come eventually.
My own mother found solace in speaking to a woman who had also suffered the loss of a son, and in knowing that grief was the price she had to pay for loving so profoundly.
Reading the accounts of other woman who had suffered such a loss gave her a sense of cameraderie with all the mourning mothers of the world and consequently a kind of strength.
May, you say that your dear son was your greatest accomplishment. Maybe that is key—that wherever these things are counted, the names of you and your son appear together, what he meant to you and what you meant to him. Not even death can take that from you.
I pray that making meaning from this tragedy will ease your grief over time. Each person does it in a unique manner.
Bless you both.
30
sage advice. And it makes sense. We are always our better selves when focusing on the needs of others. Someone should try to express that to the horror in the Oval Office.
Happy New Year
6
It can be summarized so simply: Are you a giver or a taker? My 67 years of age and experience concludes the answer covers everything one needs to know about any individual.
323
Thanks, indeed! (and a long overdue apology for having doubted you in the past, and said so, without understanding ...)
1
Thanks, Susan, that's a nice compliment coming from one of my favourite commenters. Wishing you a great 2018.
Hamid, my 95 year old mother always says that as well - whenever I would complain about someone's actions - "Some people are givers and some are takers. That's just the way they are. You can't change them."
2
I have been on a diet since 1964. Losing 20 pounds is an annual resolution.
But occasionally, I can overcome my willpower and eat a sticky bun.
After many decades, I conclude that I have always kept my resolution to lose 20 pounds. Had I failed, I'd have to lose 30.
5
I have always had extreme anxiety about flying. When my wife became ill, she had to fly from Boston to Houston for treatment. The reason I was able to go with her was because I felt I had to, as you suggest, out of compassion for her. Although I don’t like to travel and I’m uncomfortable being away from home, I stayed with my wife in Houston for four months, as her caregiver during her treatment. Again, this was never about will power, but because of my love for her
24
I like this positive take, I agree that pure willpower doesn’t work well, and that gratitude and compassion can be very positive forces in a person’s life. But even they have to be taken in moderation. If you’re too compassionate, people may take advantage of you, and their burdens will weigh you down. In fact when I’m stressed, sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to be a little less compassionate to everyone else’s problems and focus on my own needs, and that can help. Similarly, excessive gratitude can turn a person into a grovelling lapdog, crediting everyone else but not feeling confident in their own abilities. Sometimes just realizing that you did it yourself, and you don’t have to thank anyone else, is a very motivating feeling. Social emotions are important, but can have their downsides, and I think what works best varies a lot from person to person.
3
The rise of Donald Trump disproves both self-control and social bonding as the course to improbable success. I appreciate the lengths to which David DeSteno went in ignoring the role of unbridled self-interest in getting what you want, but as someone from a disadvantaged background, I've found that when I lost a certain arrogant belief in myself and my "right" to succeed, I stopped walking over others to get what I wanted … and I stopped succeeding.
I'm talking about professional and material success, of course. We need to be honest about the ethical compromises these kinds of successes really require. But maybe that's where "social bonds" come in: you have to set aside your individual code of ethics and morality and accept that, for instance, your boss requires you to do things you find at least mildly reprehensible because it's good for the corporate hive.
Sorry to be cynical, but as I enter the last quarter of my life and reflect on where I went wrong, the answer that I arrive at often is that I naively internalized the same values of personal integrity that kept my parents in humble circumstances. Those willing to cut corners or hawk destructive products (fast-food franchise owners are typical middle-class successes where I live) do a lot better than those who are averse to doing others harm. So as we conclude the season of "It's a Wonderful Life," it's about how you define success.
29
I love the message of this article that might seem counter intuitive but is simple and logical. The smart, happy people on this planet naturally (or learned) to think in the short term and not about themselves. Picking a job for just the money as opposed to making a difference is a message not heard often enough in my opinion. I tell my students all the time that the fun part of school is learning and thinking and "just" good grades are not reason enough to stay up until 2 am every night. No suprise that the grit to power through a class they don't like to get the grades to go to a good college yada yada yada is occuring in conjuntion with a significant increase in the mental wellness issues reported by colleges (and high schools). Interestingly enough, to address the issue of women not embracing engineering, a few schools (I can't remember the names) renamed the classes or even degree programs from something like "Enviromental Engineering" to a more tangible "Helping People Gain Acess to Fresh Clean Water." Supposedly the enrollment rates shifted toward a 1:1 ratio. Women seem to choose more meaningful (not about me) careers such as social work, teaching, nursing etc which might have something to do with the fact that women outlive men. Finally I want to express gratitude to the author for sharing this article!
16
To maintain a resolution, I follow American philosopher and psychologist William James’ method, what he called “the gospel of relaxation.” James claimed, and I think correctly, that we Americans are too tense, exhausted, suffering from what he called “jerkiness,” and that we need to take life a little easier, not to fret and stew so much, in a word, we need to “relax.” So, following James’s guidance, I make a vow to change, imagine the change as already having occurred in me, and then I relax in the knowledge that some of my vow will come true, and if I’m really lucky, all of it will become true. This little trick of the mind works well for me. Using it, I can toss out the complications (and anxiety) associated with understanding, and failing to understand as they operate in me, the sensations of gratitude and compassion, of will-power and self-control.
20
To thine own self be true. Try that for a resolution this year. Determine your goal and try to get it without causing harm to others. Self-control or self-discipline is essential in succeeding in that quest. Being selfless might be a great trait in making friends but it doesn't protect one from those who have no intention of following those rules and take advantage of your good nature, wherein if they win you lose. But to be true to yourself, you must know yourself. That is the hardest thing to do.
7
It would be interesting if someone were to use the insights of this thoughtful article to evaluate and theorize about the mental state of that singular psychopath currently occupying 1600 Pennsylvania. Gratitude, compassion, social emotion, all seem to be missing from that tortured soul. The greatest social experiment in history, democracy, has been pulled out from shore into deep waters, where a malevolent presence is trying to drown it in cold waters. How do we apply the hopeful outlook of this opinion piece to our country in danger? I feel good, and experience a personal satisfaction when I help a friend or colleague at work on a shared project, or at home when I help "move a couch", take on some of their burden, help my local community, cook nourishing meals, and try to provide solace when I can. The well-being I feel from those interactions is ripped away as soon as a national news source finds its way into my thoughts. Advising us to hide ourselves away from the news and just not read or watch it is not possible for those of us who've always been aware. We are currently living in a state of national PTSD. (Actually, not so "post" at all). How do we convince a diverse nation to reach out to its own brothers and sisters, in order to a strengthen a national sense of social intelligence and justice? Imagine what we could accomplish on this earth if....
How many among us feel that the second marshmallow will still be there, if we don't grab up the first one immediately?
168
Great comment, Betsy. You should be a columnist!
1
A both and approach seems prudent in resolutions. First make a practical resolution that can be accomplished. Make a will if you do not have one. It protects your loved ones from financial loss and estate chaos and helps charities. If it does not provide gratitude today, your family will be grateful one day. Or volunteer at least once a month for a specific task such as the food pantry, wild care center, library, or the like. Sometimes generating virtues is the best resolution. False gratitude is off putting and often PR-like, while virtuous acts are not. Working with others in virtuous acts cements warmth.
Will power is a zen. You eat well and exercise as a zen. You question and explore ideas as a zen. You remember the gifts of those who have died as a zen to pass on their gifts that survive them. Avoid Calvinist thinking in resolutions as it really is a source of stress. Not sure what I mean? Look at a well behaved dog in the first snow.
4
John Yates, for many years a neuroscience professor, has in recent years been focusing on what happens in the brains of those who are able to successfully transform their consciousness.
Regarding the ultimate integration of consciousness which is sometimes referred to as "awakening," he likes to say, "Awakening almost seems to happen accident. You can't make it happen, but you can make yourself accident-prone."
The core of wha Yates and many of his students have found successful - in terms of becoming more "accident prone" - is creating intentions to use one's attention and awareness in a particular way. And one of the most important - perhaps the most important - contexts for creating these intentions is in giving to others.
In other words, using will power (intentions) to create a context where self-giving leads to a transformation of consciousness.
Dr. DeSteno - ironically, as his focus here seems to be using an outdated, erroneous definition of willpower - is saying essentially the same thing as Dr. Yates.
This may sound complicated, but to take May's comment: "Gratitude is the antidote for self-pity" - (intentionally, i.e. using willpower, for) "practicing" gratitude, takes attention off the brain-constructed self, and transforms consciousness to the extent that the barriers separating us are thinned enough to see the world as one inseparable whole. From this, gratitude, care, love and kindness flow naturally, spontaneously.
www.remember-to-breathe.org
3
This needs to go beyond New Year's resolutions to eat better and exercise more.
I feel humanity must harness gratitude for this beautiful world and compassion for our children and grandchildren and get our collective act together to rise to the challenge of confronting, mitigating and reversing Climate Change for future generations.
C'mon people, we can do it! For inspiration, read Drawndown: the Most Comprehensive Plan Ever Proposed to Reverse Global Warning, edited by Paul Hawken.
5
Being grateful shouldn't be too hard, given how little control we have of what is going on, and worsened by taking ourselves too seriously. Of course, we live via our emotions, and feelings, and use reason mostly to justify what we did (or didn't). This is not to belittle reason nor common sense nor introspection, or knowing the wisdom of listening more, or refraining from speaking nonsense 'a la Trump'. We ought to enjoy the beauty of nature by asking ourselves the 'why's and the 'what if's' that make things so. It has been said that happiness does not consist in doing the things we like...but in liking the things we do. And a conscious effort to stop being tribal, so we can feel part of the whole, social animals that we are, and the joy of knowing we are contributing to the well being of our neighbors. This is what we call 'prudence', doing the right thing no matter how difficult and/or hazardous. At the end, it's the small things that count. And they are mostly emotional, of which we may be humbly proud. For that, a healthy self-regard is essential, as you can't give what you don't have. And saving for the future, by delaying gratification, makes a lot of sense; it's discipline is what gives us the freedom to act, and allow a pause on the road, and smile, and smell the roses. Life is too short for much else.
3
The problem with your argument on saving for the future just isn't possible for so many people. We truly need to change our culture to fit the biology of the people that live in it.
1
Gratitude and transparency...cultivating these two makes a significant, positive difference in the quality of my life.
2
You might be right. Most of the people I know who stopped smoking, did it for their children or had a new baby. I have helped a number of people declutter their homes and the ones who really do it tend to be the ones who's work benefits others (not leaving the mess for their children to deal with/clearing out the space to bring their parent into their home). People who lose a lot of weight and keep it off tend to be the ones who want to be around to see their kids graduate from college or to enjoy retirement with their spouse. It seems if you can link a benefit to you to an benefit to another you are more likely to succeed.
11
Let us not discount desperation, perceived or real, in driving our actions. In the adult marshmallow example, if I owe someone $18, I’m going to take the money now; it doesn’t matter that I’ll get more later. Same for weight loss. When I get home from teaching, I’m starving at 4 p.m. and snack exactly like Cookie Monster. I’m not exactly sure where generosity or selflessness plays into any attempt to avoid scarfing at this point.
10
Studies show that we have about 60 seconds of self control. It gets shorter in the evening. So, the trick is for you to use that crock pot in the morning, so soup is waiting for you when you walk in the door.
4
These are good comments but not all cases where self control is needed are cases where there is a social reason to be self controlled. Quite often, by not exercising self control you are only harming yourself and no one else.
So a more general tool is needed.
3
Fascinating article. Thank you, Professor DeSteno.
Anyone interested in this article will find "The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why it Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It," by Kelly McGonigal, PhD, quite compelling. The book discusses the key studies on willpower, including studies conducted by the author, and offers new ways to think about willpower and steps that can be taken to increase willpower in positive ways.
It turns out that willpower only appeared in humans as our pre-frontal cortex evolved. Willpower would not have been a good thing for early humans; if you held off eating that four-legged critter as soon as you killed it, you might die of starvation because you never knew where your next meal was coming from.
It also turns out that so much of what we do to try to exercise willpower is counter-productive and/or based on erroneous thought processes (example: "I'm just going to force myself not to think about eating that piece of cheesecake.") Furthermore, we have a limited "supply" of willpower, and the more we draw down that supply, the harder it is to meet whatever goal we've set.
New Year's Resolutions are often about willpower. Before making those resolutions and then failing to keep them, it might be a good idea to learn more about how willpower actually works.
4
Best response so far!! But, the author of this article is correct...... a cultural motivation change is in order...........instead of me, me, me.....we need to think, we, we, we...........How do we create a society that insures wellness for all before we've exploited it all for selfish gains?
May I be of service to all sentient Beings.
Karen Horney said when compassion for the suffering self is felt and a desire to do something about it, that change will begin. This is not a goal but a motivation. Less suffering, self relief, a better way. She wrote also of place and position , of piece of mind, self confidence, and the joy of living. Issues dominating our current time as the leisure class recreates itself, and the rest of society becomes poorer, less free, and more frightened. Fear is suffering.
4
Ironic, we say “Happy New Year” but fret about how we’re going to keep New Year’s resolutions. Resolutions don’t really sound all that happy of a way to start the new year.
Wondering if resolutions would have a better chance say, around the 4th of July.
Starting a New Year’s resolution in Wisconsin, in -15 cold, (that’s 15 below, yes), doesn’t exactly give one enthusiasm. Fireworks seems more enlightening!
7
While I don't want to be negative or cynical, I would suggest that the failure of most NY resolutions lies in the well-documented nature of human Habits, the Type-1, "Thinking Fast" heuristics summarized by Daniel Kahneman. Most of Dr DeSteno's recommendations also demand a major change in attitudes and/or behavioirs that are the individual unique habits which our brains use to live our complex lives efficiently and comfortably. Even apparently simple and minor changes of behavior are difficult and prone to failure, any time of the year.
2
Once again, we are treated to a cognitive-behaviorist view of life -- with, as is common these days, an overlay of Eastern-tinged goodness and light. Now, people who formerly castigated themselves for not having enough will power can do the same about having "inadequate" gratitude and compassion (pride is a little trickier -- it is a deadly sin, after all). A person who feels shortchanged by life, is not particularly thankful, and lives with highest-level defenses in place -- because that is how they learned to survive -- may not have the ability, at this stage in life, to go out and relate to people in a way that brings satisfaction. You cannot simply "encourage" people to think this or that (let alone FEEL this or that way) without denying the real character defenses that individuals carry around with them because they need them. I am lucky enough to have much to be grateful for, including my life's work within a psychodynamic (psychoanalytic) framework, which allows people to think their own real thoughts and feel their own real feelings, even if those include rage, resentment, and abject shame (the underbelly, by the way, of pride). Allowing oneself and others to express *all* of that (because 'nothing human is alien to (us)') gives us a foundation of honesty and authenticity, from which we can grow how we grow, without a laundry list of emotions we're supposed to feel "for our own good" #AliceMiller.
8
Interesting, but could gratitude have the opposite effect as well by making people feel complacent? It seems very common for people to give up their exercise goals when they get married or give up their savings goals in a strong economy because they feel that they don’t need to hit those goals any more.
2
Its funny, some people give up on exercise when they get married. Others give up when they get divorced and theres no longer someone to look nice for or to disappoint.
Mishchel's iconic "marshmallow experiments" have also been subject to a good bit of criticism. The scientist has discussed some of these concerns and limitations himself: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/what-the-marshmallow-... .
Mischel states:
"...The most interesting thing, I think, about the studies is not the correlations that the press picks up, but that the marshmallow studies became the basis for testing all kinds of adults and how adults deal with difficult emotions that are very hard to distance yourself from, like heartbreak or grief. ...
...there have been so many misunderstandings about what the Marshmallow Test does and doesn’t do, what the lessons are to take from it, that I thought I might as well write about this rather than have arguments in the newspapers."
I have nothing against immediate consumption of marshmallows during the holidays. I am sure someone will disagree.
3
Dear May--I am very sorry for your loss.
1
Tell me, David, as a matter of actual daily practice, how do I "cultivate these emotions"? Can your manifesto be accompanied by a workbook, please? I belong to a men's group in which each members emails to the group, every day, a list of ten things he is grateful for. I've been sending these lists for ten years. They too often end up being some form of bragging or at best humble bragging. They very seldom make me feel the real thing in any way that affects my behavior. Without at least some indication of a method, this column, while intriguing and full of promise, has the transformational power of a greeting card.
1
May, please let me add my comment as well. Your note broke my heart. I'm a parent of a young adult. While I haven't experienced your loss, I know there can be nothing worse. Nothing worse. Please know, though, that many of us wish you peace as you travel through your life. My most sincere condolences to you and your family.
1
Interesting article. Now tell us what we have to do specifically to keep our resolutions.
An excellent article, with a very refreshing perspective on an age-old concept.
I’ve also found another path to sticking with goals (New Year’s resolutions or other) over time:
Two years ago I gave up all sugar and desserts. Cold turkey. How? For me, simple. Whenever I had finished eating something like cake, ice cream, chocolate, pie, etc., I’d feel like garbage soon after. The pleasure of the dessert’s take lasted a few moments; the discomfort I felt in my body lasted hours. Not to mention the fact that there’s the cumulative effect of eating all these sweets/desserts: weight gain, diabetes, fatigue, etc. Just taking a moment to contemplate how I’d feel after eating sugary foods was enough of a deterrent to get me to stop. Did I miss these foods? Eh, maybe for a week or two. After that, it was clear sailing. I got into fresh fruits, and suddenly I had that sweet taste, but from an entirely different source.
And I felt great. All the time.
I am a healthy male, 6’3” and 200 lbs., so I did not undertake this effort because I had to. I did it because I wanted to, and because I realized how bad certain foods are. Should everyone do this? Of course not. We are all different. Each person must find their own comfort level and optimal mix of regular food and sweets. I just wanted to share this because the “how” (how I did it) has some relevance to this article’s main topic.
To all, a very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year....
1
Rather than thinking in terms of willpower versus gratitude and compassion, it might be helpful to combine them, as in mindfulness training. When practicing mindfulness, people try to maintain mental self-control while recognizing that it's normal to lapse. It's important to not beat yourself up, but allow your attention to shift back to your intended focus. Mindfulness also often includes loving-kindness meditation, prayers for others' well-being. This article confirms the importance of positive thoughts in developing self-control.
2
Thank you for this inspiring piece! I recently cooked dinner for 50 for a homeless women's shelter. While I'm a serious cook of the NYT/ Ottolenghi variety, this was my first time at this scale, which required a somewhat basic menu (Bittman baked ziti, both meat and meatless, salad, frosted bars). I was totally stressed out about the whole thing. In the end, it was the achievement of the holiday season of which I'm most proud--although, as DeSteno says, the vast majority of the experience was such a collective effort/ joy that it's impossible to claim as my own. (The hardest part was indeed the loneliest--shopping in advance for the mountains of food!) From the members of my church with whom I worked, to my husband (not a church member but invaluable), to the women themselves who were vitally present and articulately grateful, so many relationships were animated and will be ongoing. It's truly a revelation to learn that serving others is both a privilege and a personal-collective opportunity.
12
This sounds very useful, even profound, but to whom or what am I grateful, and how exactly does that help me to eat my salad instead of a second helping of dessert?
5
If you have to ask what to be greatful for, then the advice in the column is wasted on you.Try being grateful for a roof over your head while it is so cold for others without one. I do hope you were joking with your comment.
2
I find developing habits works better if they become routine. I want the bed made every morning so I make the bed every morning. Over time it becomes part of my am routine. I want to get more exercise so I take the stairs to and from my car in the parking garage (6 flights), I force myself to get into a routine of taking the stairs down for several days and it becomes routine and simply part of how I get to the office.
6
This is a wonderful, helpful, inspiring piece. Thank you.
7
I am grateful for this thoughtful article and the reference to David Brooks "Moral Bucket List": both provocative and useful.
Lately we're being encouraged to embrace our selfishness and be proud of it. The rapid decline of civil society and the frequency of otherblaming and and the closing of the American mind is scary fast.
Growing up and growing better is hard but rewarding work. When we're told we needn't bother we lose a little bit our our humanity and grace. I've earned this knowledge in the school of hard knocks, and I'm here to report that once I got my round tuit about improving my behavior my self-respect grew and over time it became much easier.
I think it is a fundamental mistake to abandon the quest to care for each other before we take everything we can for ourselves. The gift of perceiving others as valuable is a gift of self-realization as well.
Taking the path of least resistance and affirming selfishness and cosmetic values as central to value and success in life is a deadly path.
24
Sometimes we have to just act *as if* we have good intentions. The habit of doing good to do well is an acquired one, and well worth the effort.
2
I lost weight ten years ago. I am asked how I maintain this. I always answer--I work at it every day. There is something to be said for determination I think. You don’t necessarily lose weight by “eating healthy”, but by eating LESS (and yes, it should be healthy food, but the two, while related, are not the same thing). Eating less on a consistent basis requires daily attention to portion control. I’m sorry, but this takes an on-going effort and a certain amount of willpower.
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Willpower is simply the ability to continually choose one's actions in favor of long or mid-range goals and objectives over immediate gratification. The hard part is to stop or pause before acting so that you can make a conscious choice.
10
You can tell that you’re approaching that dreaded state of being “old” when the rings they would find if they were to cut you open are too numerous to count. The symptoms include a propensity to scream and gibber whenever you hear the tiresome annual high-summer observation on a news-hour weather spot that the perfect temperature outside to find yourself completely naked is eighty degrees Fahrenheit, with the merest of light breezes. And when you read, yet again, the eternal plaint that it’s tough to keep New Year’s resolutions.
The annual billion words dedicated to the tongue-in-cheek analysis of why resolutions are hard to keep, and advice on how to do better, need to go down as the scribbler’s most reliable source of predictable income, after the recent addition of Trump-bashing.
I’ve been as guilty as anyone else through most of my adult life of making such resolutions, then failing to keep them. The big one with me, as it is with many Americans, is to take off and keep off the twenty pounds that miraculously has accreted incrementally to my peasant German body as I’ve aged. And I can testify, as can many of you, that the author’s observation that will power recedes as one ages is accurate.
But the real fear is that you might accomplish all your dreams long BEFORE you die. What do you do then? Punt?
My solution? From now on, I will have only one New Year’s resolution: to cease aging.
13
Hmmmmm, good luck with that.
I think cultivating compassion, gratitude and confidence sounds more plausible and more satisfying.
2
Run out of dreams? Really?
@ May in Paris,
So sorry for the loss of your son, and (along with many, many others) send you love and warmth in this very difficult time.
I've had a not-quite-as-bad, but still significant loss in the past year: Estrangement of my 32-year-old daughter. It's complicated, but due in part to her Evangelical "Christian" faith not accepting my more progressive spirit. So, in that regard, don't consider your "lack of religion" to be a detriment at all. There's as many people these days who use it as a cudgel as who use it for outreach and charity.
Even while reading the story (i.e., before reading your comment) I thought about the words "grit and grace" because that's the title of a book you may want to look up and read. It's by Ken Wilber, one of the world's foremost philosophers who lives in Denver (formerly Boulder--I've seen him around town). Ken was married--briefly--to Treya, his spiritual partner and love of his life. She died, tragically, of breast cancer at an early age. The book is about their time together, discussing philosophy and spirituality. I hope you would find some inspiration and comfort reading about what they *both* went through during her sickness and death. The (exact) title is, "Grace and Grit: Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death of Treya Killam Wilber."
Peace and comfort abide with you in the days ahead.
23
This is such a lovely article.
I hope that readers can keep in mind that most of the time, people do as much as they can for other people. They feel as much gratitude and compassion as the people around them have enabled them to develop over their lifetimea.
The gifts that others have given us propel us all through the days ahead.
7
Thank you for these insights. I have always been the will power guy and have not seen the results. I now I have New Years resolution game plan!
7
When I was a kid my mom taught us to pray by naming all of the people in our lives and asking God to bless them. It was less of a blessing and more of an expression of gratitude that we made each night for everyone we loved. So it turns out, just like so many other things, what was good for us as kids, is good for us as adults.
34
What to add ? As a practicing psychiatrist in Geneva, specialized in war trauma (PTSD), I could make an extensive use of many contents of this articles and the comments it suscited. The "cultivation of social emotions" is of the essence. In brief, thanks for your sharing of so deep thoughts. I try to direct my patients towards more positive thoughts, emotions, and compassion including towards themselves and this article is perfect and... they should read it but usually don't speak English. Thank you ! I had to deal with personal losses in 2016-2017 and send my best thoughts and emotions to my "peers" in that matter.
68
When something I've resolved is about me, I can make temporizing excuses to myself.
When a resolution is for the benefit of someone I love, even an obligation I feel to that person, then temporizing excuses to myself don't have the same feel at all.
What I would like for myself is one sort of thing, but what my kids need from me is another sort of thing entirely. Those excuses have a different ring when I make them to myself.
55
Please show compassion for May, below, who lost her son. Let us all gather around May.
1
Losing a child is a horror.
Wonderful article, very enlightening and thought-provoking. I would add that it's not will power and versus compassion. but instead, the more ideal, evolved process is that they work together. Compassion, willpower, are intelligences that the human beings have involved over centuries.
16
I'm glad to see more research that questions "grit" as an innate quality that determines success. This concept of grit revolves around an implicit core of judgement and blame. It presumes that those who don't succeed are impulsive or weak-minded and, by extension, undeserving. I work with children who endure hardship, and are often considered underachieving by those who have no idea what it takes to persevere in their world. References to the Mischel marshmallow experiments of the 1960s should be accompanied by references to the University of Rochester marshmallow research of 2012. http://www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=4622 Researchers added an element that significantly changed the interpretation of the results: "Children who experienced unreliable interactions with an experimenter waited for a mean time of three minutes and two seconds on the subsequent marshmallow task, while youngsters who experienced reliable interactions held out for 12 minutes and two seconds." In other words, in an untrustworthy environment, children rationally concluded that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. But in a trustworthy environment, children quite successfully delayed gratification. These findings can be seen as consistent with DeSteno's findings. Pride in self-efficacy would equate to a sense of control in the world, and gratitude connotes a supportive environment. In essence, a better world makes it easier to be a better person. As a country, could we please connect the dots?
1327
Thank you for this excellent comment. The concept of ‘grit’ needs to be put into context.
10
Well said. If children learn as babies that their needs (food, dry diapers, comforting) are going to be reliably met by their caregiver, they learn trust, which allows them to develop personal restraint. In other words, if the child is hungry, he can calm himself and wait, because he knows mother will be coming soon. This ability to self-regulate is the magic key to their future. Will that child grow into an adult who is an expensive drain on society, or a producer and contributor?
This is why it is so crucial to us all that women not give birth before they are ready to adequately parent the child, and why society should do everything it can to support all women in delaying childbearing until they are ready.
23
Wow. Thank you so much for the link to the Rochester study. As an educator who worked with at risk kids who were characteristically impulsive, so much now makes sense. These kids ALWAYS lived in an unreliable environment at home. Educators' negative responses to their resultant behavior made it worse. They could never win, so why try?
I was successful with most of them because I CONSISTENTLY showed respect first, and created a warm and safe classroom. I listened a lot and rarely raised my voice. Occasionally, I failed to meet my standards. My response: a public & humble apology. All human beings want to be treated this way, but for these kids, it's manna from heaven. Results: even when teaching in a youth detention center, we had so much fun together and learned so much. Years later, running into these kids in a store or restaurant, they tell me how much they loved learning about a specific topic, and then recite information that proved they really had learned. In education, we learn a lot about classroom management strategies. I managed by relationship. I now understand why it was so effective with these students.
I also now know why just teaching about "grit" is nearly useless. I'm retired and regret not knowing about this research while still in the classroom. Rest assured I will pass it along to active teachers. It points to strategies that could help these special kids develop the skills so needed for their success.
Again, thank you so much!
30
What a beautiful (and beautifully composed) article! Like anyone who has felt real love for another person, I can testify to the truth of the principle it adduces. In the past, feats that I now regard as superhuman required no effort at all when they were performed for a loved one--challenges became pleasures rather than chores, satisfying rather than tedious, exhilarating rather than exhausting. And I know that this same logic-defying phenomenon would occur again were I to feel the same kind of connection with another human being that I felt then. When we recognize our links with other people, other communities, other spirits, we access not only a power that is almost boundless but also a deep well of joy. Thank you so much for reminding me of that time and those possibilities as the new year is about to open.
54
How we live our emotions is very personal and defining our feelings is too. When I consider what I’m grateful for, it often makes me think I’m luckier than someone else, which makes me suspicious about the worth of gratitude. My feelings of compassion for others can make me teary-eyed, but rarely move me to act. So what good are they? As for the value of having pride, it’s important for me that the satisfaction remains private. I got that from my father. One day I asked him why he was so vigorously buffing the back of his shoes. “That’s how I know their shined,” he replied.
12
I can't help you with the grateful thing because I'm having the same problem. I guess it's due to not fully grasping what traditions that cultivate it actually mean.
Compassion, however, is not the same thing as empathy.
What you're describing here (becoming teary-eyed when you see someone suffering) is called "empathy". It has been proven to be an innate instinct present in all human beings. "Mirror neurons" would be playing a big role here, and Daniel Goleman's latest book on emotional intelligence shows how your brain automatically synchronizes with the mood of the person in front of you.
Compassion, however, is a skill that we can all cultivate, but if we don't train it, it won't be intervening a lot in your daily life - not towards others, nor towards yourself ("self-compassion").
Compassion is the desire to do something that contributes to reducing the suffering (of yourself, of another human being, of an animal etc.)., combined with the ability to do so.
That's why each time you're having a compassionate reaction to a certain situation, your feelings of overall well-being actually increase (as has been proven scientifically, in the meanwhile) - psychologically (= feeling happier) and physically (aging less fast, having a better functioning immune system, etc.).
Finally, "pride" doesn't have to be exhibited in a public way. It can simply mean being happy about the fact that you just did something that is in line with your deepest values and highest desires.
5
Ana Luisa,
Thanks very much for these kind and clear thoughts.
1
Hi folks - just a slight addition to Ana's excellent comment.
What Ana is describing is generally referred to as "emotional empathy" (and there are actually different kinds of emotional empathy as well - Paul Bloom is studying the kind that causes burnout; when we identify too closely with the suffering of others; but there is also a more mature detached yet caring empathy, the kind which moves one toward the acts of compassion Ana refers to.
And there is cognitive empathy - which is a less emotional, more detached, cognitive understanding of others' states of mind.
It is possible to be a psychopath and have cognitive empathy, so generally, the kind of empathic response that is most likely to lead to compassionate action is a balance of cognitive and emotional empathy - and research almost unanimously, with the possible exception of Paul Bloom who seems to have little grasp of what most kinds of empathy are, shows that the more one can experience healthy empathy, the more likely it will lead to compassionate action, and in fact, compassion is virtually impossible if there is no health empathic response.
Dan Siegel, in fact, provides a wealth of information about what parts of the brain (the insula, in particular, as well as the anterior cingulate cortex, which I might add, has generally been found to be more active in liberals than in conservatives) are associated with different kinds of empathy as well as with compassion.
www.remember-to-breathe.org
1
It’s all well and good to try to conform to evolutionary strategies of enhanced social relationships, but our prehistoric ancestors didn’t contend with our lavish abundance of processed foods full of salt, sugar and fat. Nor did they face the onslaught of marketing campaigns to convince us to buy these things. Cultivating my social emotions seems like a very circumspect strategy for losing another ten pounds. Actually, David DeSteno’s contention that our biology is not properly engineered to today’s world is a bit depressing, which makes me want to head to the fridge. But, I’m willing to give his approach a try. I’ll move a few more couches for friends and family in 2018. I may even burn a few extra calories in the process. But, how do I contend with the bundt cakes I receive in appreciation?
105
Have a party! Share with others what you're grateful to have received. You'll take in fewer calories and give friends and acquaintances an opportunity to feel less lonely. Win-win!
1
Take them to church or a Sierra Club meeting or work or cut them up - and share them with the neighbors. One piece won't kill you now and then, it's the whole thing that does damage.
1
David N,
Better and more frequent social relationships can distract you from both the media pushing ever more consumption and the refrigerator offering more food. Overeating may a symptom of emotional starvation. Try binging on friendships.
1
Keep New Year's resolutions, resist temptation, exercise self-control (which is correlated with academic success and general success in life) not by exercising will power (which seems the obvious solution) but by using the tool of social emotions such as gratitude and compassion, which obviate the need for will power which is obviously taxing to the mind and body?
A solution of social emotions such as gratitude and compassion over exercise of will power seems to me to be sleight of hand, which is to say "if only a person were to have the proper social emotions as described by the average of society, the proper morality, then the need for will power would be unnecessary to resist temptation, and to achieve goals in life."
I think I'll stick to using will power and using my curiosity to aspire as much as possible to a wide ranging and knowledgeable and authentic life over trusting whether my success in life and resistance to temptation is due to my fitting in to what people in general describe as social emotions simply because it seems no matter how much I try to be a decent person people just seem to perceive me as not having much gratitude and compassion, and perhaps after all I have at least a strong component of psychopathic nature (I like bitter things such as black coffee which has been correlated to psychopathic personality).
I just like to think, read and write, go hiking and stuff. I'm not entirely bad, but I certainly seem to have no luck with others in life.
19
Daniel, let me offer an advice which I have started to give myself. Remember that in every encounter with another person, there are two games you are playing. One is a game around the project at hand. The other is a social game between two (or more) human beings.
When you want your order in the restaurant to come more quickly, the project game is one where you get your food faster. The social game is where you make the waiter happy that he waited on you.
At a restaurant where I often eat, most of the waitresses are from Nepal. I notice where they are from, smile at them and try to remember their names. As a consequence, not only do I get good service, they too smile at me.
Be sure to try to win both games, the practical game and the social game and typically, you can win the first game better by winning the second one.
132
Oh hey, we are similar beings then. I do agree with you on the fact that willpower can prove useful in many situations, especially if these situations are more short term (say, examination seasons or just any form of prepping before a major event).
I, too, am a fan of using willpower. However, there are downsides to use only willpower in overcoming obstacles. Willpower is (unfortunately) a limited resource, and while for some people, such as you and I, our willpower pool are more substantial and can last through more tasks, it will still eventually drain out.
That is the crux of what the author is trying to express here. Rather than simply forcing your way through your resolutions, one also ought to employ other strategies to make the process more efficient and less painful.
Consider this: if one is confronting their greatest fear (spiders and creepy crawlies, perhaps), it would definitely feel better to have someone physically near you. This is because we humans are social creatures, and when we are in proximity of other friendly people, we tend to feel safer.
Similar to this, pushing through your resolutions are considerably much harder to do when you are alone, because it feels like there is a lack of warmth and support. When we are going to do things that we dislike, one important trick is to find a slight characteristic that makes you like it more.
p.s. there is no need to "try" to be decent, be yourself. Then, the right people will find you.
2
Daniel, I can't speak to all of your comment, but I definitely agree that there is a "sleight of hand" quality to what the author is saying.
It seems something along the lines of "just be grateful, and you'll (magically) have more will power." I elaborate a bit further in a comment which may or may not see the light of day - depending on how compassionate the NYT censors are feeling today, lol!
4
In setting and reaching self-improvement goals, deriving motivation from positive emotions will work better than constant self-confinement. But the missing ingredient to me is to plan to accomplish these goals for only one day: today. If we have acknowledged the importance of incorporating this new plan in our lives, especially if it is crucially important to our health, our families, our jobs, our friends and our self-esteem, then surely we can make this change for one day. Then you wake up the next day and do it again. The trick is not to concern yourself with the days, weeks, months, and years to come. Just do it for one day: today. It works. Full disclosure: this is not my idea. I would like to provide attribution but they wish to remain anonymous.
121
Agreed. One day at a time is the key to success in many areas.
2
What you describe is the way I quit smoking so many years ago. Each day I woke up and decided to try it again. The thought of never smoking again for the rest of my life made me too anxious.
2
Boy, this will be hard to implement as we automate more and more of our existence. How to feel needed, how to feel gratitude, when we're all unnecessary couch potatoes, dependent on machines but hardly at all dependent on each other?
76
Unnecessary, for production perhaps, but the need for compassion is almost unlimited. It does require some selflessness. It is the same with the economy in that we don't need more self indulgent products, we need public good projects and these require government--schools,parks, roads, bridges, space exploration, environment protection. Did you feel better after the moon landing or after Bill Gates hit $50 billion?
48
As a child of the 50s, one of my concerns is where we will ever find enough caring and kind nurses and caregivers to take care of all of us as we decline into old age. Having just lost my father, I find myself immensely grateful to the lovely women and men who staffed his memory care home for their constant kindness and patience. These are qualities that not everyone possesses and it will be a challenge to staff such places when the huge bunch of my generation needs them. So I have to disagree with Name that we will be "hardly at all dependent on each other" in future--my experience with aged parents is that we become ever more dependent on each other as we age. Now, I wonder if I can use this feeling of gratitude to lose the holiday 5 pounds I gained.
10
VOLUNTEER!
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Let us all gather around MAY, below, in the loss of her beloved son. Let us suspend all other feelings today for her in her sorrow for the loss of her son. I wish every comment made here today would be to comfort her in any way we can. We must transcend all other thoughts about this column or anything else to show May our love. Her heart is broken, and mine is broken for her. Let us honor and bless and love her in every way we can.
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I found this piece enlightening and comforting. It articulated something I knew from experience, but could not have expressed. My New Year's resolution is to cultivate gratitude, compassion and pride. If it helps me to lose weight, be more patient, and exercise, so much the better.
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What a beautiful and much needed article. If we could all focus on the things we have going for us, and the people in our lives and quit berating ourselves for our human flaws and desires I do think we might be happier and healthier in the long run. To have the love and respect of others is so important.
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David you miss the point. Willpower is the necessary force that voluntarily eschews the short term gains that make the more desirable long term benefits much harder to achieve. Once those very desirable longer term gains begin to be achieved, the amount of willpower necessary to keep achieving them diminishes with time due to realization of their superior value.
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Jack, I think you’re missing the key point that willpower and so-called “rational” self-interest are weaker than compassion, gratitude and pride precisely because they are selfish and individual (antisocial) rather than cooperative and corporate (social).
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I wish.
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I'm grateful for the patience to wait for the after-holiday sales to do my holiday shopping. I don't really have the self-control to think much past that right now, in terms of worrying about making "resolutions." I think that's largely what's keeping me more healthy these days.
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Gratitude is the antidote for for selfpity, I’ve been told. However, how do I feel grateful when I recently lost a beloved 29 year-old son ... suddenly, days before he was to visit me in Paris to celebrate his 30th?
I guess I lack the religious foundation required to understand the coexistence of God & calamity.
Sure, I’m proud of my achievements, but I’d always considered my greatest accomplishment to be the mother of a great son. Now he’s gone! Everything else pales into insignificance.
Now, I have greater compassion for bereaved parents.
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I am deeply sorry for your loss, really many losses. It seems to me when we lose someone dear to us, we also lose the sense of who we are, lose our conception of how our world and lives are constructed. The foundation is not what we thought, and chaos and grief loom very large.
And it also seems to me that we humans have an innate capacity to survive these losses and to create/find more enduring meanings. Takes a while to travel through the land of grief, maybe the rest of our lives. Still, that land is varied, surprising, and has its peaceful spots amongst the burnt forests.
May you be comforted a thousand times over.
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May, I lost my 22 year old son in 2015. Everyday since has been a battle to find gratitude. Peace is what I'm aiming for.
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I am so sorry for your loss...I hope your many memories will bring you comfort, but I know too that you will endure so much pain on the way to any kind of healing. I hope you have a community to surround you and carry you through the darkest moments. Sometimes there is no reason nor purpose for why something happens. We have to grapple with it any way we can. My prayers are with you today.
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