Criticism of the author's stereotyping of "Duck Dynasty" lookalikes is equivalent to saying that there were "very fine people on both sides" of the Charlottesville incident. The Duck Dynasty show is explicitly intended to stereotype confederate-flag-waving bigots, and anyone upon whom the shoe fits through behavior such as the harassment described deserves no sympathy of any kind.
30
Something does not seem right with this story, which reads more like fiction than fact. I know we live in an age where every accusation must be accepted as true. But news today is really entertainment, and very profitable too. We hear some say the reports are creditable and vetted, but that is a fiction, as the private world will never be reliably reported or verified. (A gas station receipt is not enough.) This story and its cast of characters seems straight from a grand gothic romance or horror story, with the same link to reality. Even the drawing with the story would fit well on the cover of a gothic novel with it blatant phallic image. Late night radio has its tales of fantastic encounters, a more fitting place for this than the New York Times.
23
The latest attack on LGBTQ people is that trump wants to delete, erase, make Transgender people. He wants to pretend we do not exist. His hate goes so deep he wants to remove us from humanity.
10
We have now experienced two years of Trump’s hate filled candidacy, and now leadership, that has taken us back to a time of entitled white, heterosexual, gender choice intolerant, and misguided Christian supremacy. Jesus would never have supported such values. This is not America. It’s certainly not a “Great America”.
Today I am not able to feel pride in being American. I’m ashamed of what our country has become. I’m ashamed to be associated with bigots. I’m ashamed of our bigoted President. I’m ashamed of our collective cowardice that allows all of this bigotry to happen. I hope our nation can find the strength to stand up against Trump’s propaganda of hatred. I don’t believe we have any hope of healing while Trump remains in office.
23
Believe it or not, and may disappear at any minute, but the FBI does publish statistical tables by state/locality of "Hate Crimes," including those against LGBT. [Table 14]. Not comprehensive, of course, because of voluntary reporting, but a start and better than no info at all.
9
I’m disappointed to see the sarcastic, snarky responses here, ranging from “You are making this up,” to “You are making a mountain out of a molehill,” to “Why don’t you just stay home?”
I had long hair as a kid, when the Vietnam war was raging and long hair was a political statement. I had an experience very similar to these ladies when riding my bicycle with a friend on a long-distance trip near Lake Okeechobee. We were 16. A grown man in a pickup ran us off the road and then made a U-turn to come back around at us.
My friend and I ran toward the lake and hid behind a large earthen berm which (back then) surrounded the lake. The driver stopped his truck by the side of the pavement, took his rifle from its window rack, and began shooting toward us. He was probably not trying to hit us, but to scare us. Which he did.
Although that was the most serious reaction, we had people run us off the road for no reason, make hateful remarks that we could clearly hear, tailgate us for miles, etc.
The writer’s point is well taken with me: our so-called President’s rhetoric has emboldened those who would discriminate against our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. And there are plenty of cowards out there who will act more aggressively because of it.
I don’t think our writer should have to stay home or keep the rainbow off of her bumper. I think rednecks should learn to act a little more like the Jesus Christ that they claim to worship, and less like the Satan they all claim to fear.
48
I know that on the left we're not supposed to be gun people. But since the election I've had some close calls with white people telling me to "go home" and calling me any number of names. I'm good with guns having spent time in places like Afghanistan and Kosovo. So now I have a carry permit and take my Glock wherever I go. If you feel comfortable with guns and if have the knowledge and skill set, carry full time. These people have guns. Don't bring hope to a gunfight. Good luck out there.
22
Re: Dan Stackhouse's comment.
When driving alone in the south, I temporarily attach a bumper sticker, readily available, that says "Want my gun? Come and get it."
I promptly remove it once back home in Nebraska, or north of the Mason-Dixon line in the east.
17
It’s amazing how much hatred there is in the Bible belt. And how much indifference there is in so many other places around the country to the hatred
I don’t know which is worse.
14
This saddens me deeply and frightens me for transgender relatives that live in NC. Why are we so afraid of difference?
10
I think the author's experiences might be a bit different if she had a partner who wasn't transgendered. As a lesbian who has been out since the 1980s, I've yet to encounter any open hostility such as what the author described, including while I've traveled with various girlfriends. But then again, we're nothing as fancy as "queer", we're just lesbians.
10
I hope that this article provides motivation for anyone who feels threatened on the road to earn a pilot certificate. A modern four-seat airplane can deliver nearly 20 mpg while cruising at 170 mph. An airworthy four-seat airplane can be economically rented from a flight school or purchased (used) for less than the cost of a monster SUV. The unplanned and undesired close encounters on the highway that the author describes are illegal by FAA regulation (see FAR 91.111: "No person may operate an aircraft in formation flight except by arrangement with the pilot in command of each aircraft in the formation.")
The gay pilots whom I know report being warmly welcomed at thousands of airports all across the U.S. So I am hopeful that you and Lara can "enjoy safe travel across the United States" as long as you relax the constraint that travel must be directly on the surface.
5
I'm kind of shocked by all of the microagressions in the comments here. In Trump's America, is it really unfathomable that an LGBTQ couple would feel threatened while travelling through the "It's not Adam and Steve" bible belt? I would somewhat equate their stereotyping of the Duck Dynasty-looking crew to a white person being called a cracker by a person of color. It's not exactly the same affront when the oppressed is mocking the oppressor.
6
Why do people feel the need to "proclaim" their sexual preference, as one commenter said?
Yes, for hundreds of years, a small percentage of men have bragged and bragged over their virility and "conquests," but the rest of men - 95% - considered them bores and idiots.
Two men can go on long car trips much more safely than two women. I am sure two young heterosexual women driving alone in rural area or crime-dangerous urban area are in even more danger of being followed and harassed by rogue and possibly criminal males than transgender couples.
You know, women, homo sapiens have been around 100,000 or 200,000 years, depending on which scientist. You do realize it's been only in the last 50 years that society has evolved where women can wander around alone or in pairs in relative safety. This is tremendous progress. But it's "relative" safety. Men and women are all happy about this progress, but it's dangerous to take it for granted.
9
I thought about driving across the country and ditched the idea because I don't believe america is safe to travel alone if you are single, old, or present a target of opportunity in any way. And I'm not lesbian or transgendered. I just happen to know that the dark side of america is violent, abusive, opportunistic and rapacious towards anyone or anything that comes along.
16
This is really disturbing. And I have absolutely no doubt is painfully and repeatedly the experience of LGBTQ citizens moving around in America. I don't know what it is going to take for people to stop feeling entitled to bully, harass and threaten people they judge to be 'different' or powerless. Certainly having a harassing bullying President sets a tone of permissiveness for this disgusting behaviour. But even when an utterly decent man like Obama was in office there was too much small-minded hatefulness in this nation.
Joanne and Lara.. fear should not be your companion when you travel.
9
I'd also like to add that as a transgender woman covered in tattoos who is married to another transgender woman, I have had worse experiences in cities than I ever have in a rural area. I just spent 10 days consulting in Kentucky and had a wonderful time with no problems beyond the usual stares. I live in a rural area that the author would probably describe as dark and scary, and the people here embrace and accept us.
Traveling while queer can be dangerous. But so can going to a bar while queer or brushing your teeth while queer.
Being followed is definitely my worst nightmare and I would imagine is super traumatizing, but some jerk in the city can shoot people like Lara and Me for being trans anyday.
I don't let fear rule my life. If I'm going to be killed I hope it's in Colorado where I can take out my pistol and fire back a few rounds.
Also, county-by-county LGBT reviews would be awesome. There are queer people everywhere I would just find them and buy everything from them on my trip.
8
Alarmed by how many folks are recommending that people pack heat when traveling. That's what Republicans and the NRA are fighting for, and encouraging: Carry a gun and all will be better.
Let's be honest. The incident described by the author was in her imagination. No white supremacist racists out for blood take the time to follow folks for more than an hour with no overt aggression, no road rage, no shouting, no words exchanged whatsoever, no pulling alongside Thelma and Louise style and making crude gestures with tongue and spread fingers. My gosh. Have we entirely abandoned common sense? Yes, homophobia and bigotry are issues in America. Big issues. But a much larger issue is the proliferation of firearms based on an absurd Constitutional amendment that holds that the right to possess instruments of death are right up there with freedom of worship and freedom of speech.
The gun you stash in your glove compartment or in your dresser or in your desk or wherever you think you might need it because someone is gonna come gitcha is way more likely to be used in a suicide, or found by kids with tragic results, or stolen and then used in a robbery or a murder, than it is to stop someone who is out to harm you. Or someone who didn't look like you who got you all paranoid when you stopped for gas.
Repeal the Second Amendment.
4
We must come to a common conclusion. When LGBT Americans are attacked and routinely denounced by politicians, and most savagely by “religious” sharia law bigots we are all under attack. LGBT, Black, Hispanic hatred is terrorism. Male supremacy is terrorism. Monuments that celebrate racism, law and policy that deny anyone equal rights and pay are terrorizing to those denied. Equal justice is justice denied and is routinely exploited by the White male ruling elite for political power. Republicans actively recruit hateful fearful racists, xenophobes, misogynists, and and gender bigots. Democrats deny justice by considering “tradition”, “culture”, “religious beliefs” instead of denouncing the terror that the tradition of male female marriage, Confederate monuments of racists, xenophobic lies exploitation and demonizing, enforcing religious beliefs as if America was a theocracy are all terrorism. Democrats routinely give Republicans a pass and we are all abandoned.
LGBT, Blacks, Hispanics, women, elderly, sick, hungry, poor people suffer from our failure to recognize that ONE group benefits from our divisions. The “church-state” separation is under attack by politicians who use beliefs to oppress women, LGBT persons, Blacks, and Hispanics and manipulate the religious beliefs of members of the oppressed to act against each other. Enforce the First Amendment denounce Sharia Christianity. Unite with your brothers and sisters who are oppressed and demand DNC war on terrorism.
5
‘The price of freedom is eternal vigilance”
8
Who doesn't have a friend or family member that they are fearful for today.
My sister lives in what she calls a gay ghetto, with no intention of ever leaving.
I have come to believe she is right.
I almost weep at the thought when I think how backward we have gone.
6
it's not easy being me or you
2
Great column. Thank you!
3
I don't get the desire to roam the great frontier. I understand a love of nature, but there are many wilderness areas in progressive states and nations. It's a big world out there and its filled with bigots. I fully believe it will still be that way 500 years from now. But each place will change in it's own way, at a different pace. I would love to visit Belize, Morocco, etc. - but I won't (Homosexuality is a crime in all of them). Ditto the too many states to list here. LGBT travelers should spend their money exclusively on trips in places where they are welcome. It's easy to find out where to go and where to avoid in this day and age. I hope all the godforsaken boondocks of hate someday change, but in the meantime, I'm doing all I can to collapse their economies by not going to them. Just a little push, but the less money they have the less power they have in the nation and the world. Wealth shouldn't be so bound up with power, but it is, so take advantage of the ugly truth and stay away from the towns, cities, counties, states and nations that aren't worthy.
4
What does being “queer” have to do with anything here? Do you think two straight women on a car trip report a different experience than you? I’ll bet the world is far less interested in your travel habits than you think it is.
14
Boosters like to say ours is the greatest country on Earth. Stories like this prove that it is not. We would, of course, welcome your diversity in Boulder.
4
As is common with articles of this type, there is never a lack of smugness, stereotypes and bias in many of the comments. Some people really seem to believe that only in the south, for instance, could such bigotry (if that is in fact what occurred in this instance) occur, never in some “enlightened” place like a Boston, NYV or LA. Or that the only threat one ever need fear is a white male - and of course, a Christian, as all of its adherents are, to believe some accounts, are hate filled ogres.
Note how the author mentions some countries which have national anti-gay laws without ever admitting that every nation with a death penalty or similar punishment for gay “crimes” is Islamic, sad to say. She then compares that to bathroom bills in the US. I’m sorry, but that is hardly an apt comparison.
So the bottom line is anyone who is a white male, or drives a pickup truck, or has the misfortune to look like a redneck ala “Duck Dynasty”, or lives in “the South”, or was so beknighted as to vote for Trump (any of the above us enough to assume they did, of course) is a danger without question. And yet we’re lectured about stereotyping. Hmmm....
12
I don't understand why you think you were being followed because your girlfriend is Transgender and not because you were just two women out on the road alone?
9
This piece reports a bullying incident. Ms. Spataro focuses on her reaction. Lara is her girlfriend and travel companion. Ms. Spataro tell us, "Lara is a transgender woman of color". This raises an unanswered question. Was Lara's transgender identity as apparent as her racial identity?
Ms. Spataro believes that the bullies were motivated by the couple's queer identity, but that may not be accurate. The bullies gaydar may not have picked up Lara's transgender and lesbian identity, but their eyesight probably detected Lara's racial identity.
5
During the sixties while traveling non-stop from the northeast to Florida for spring break, we, all white young women, catholics and jews, came across large bill board sign in South Carolina that said You are in Klan Country. It was 2 o'clock in the morning and it felt pretty scary. We thought how do live in this enviornment of fear. We were shocked and had never experienced anything like this so for those of you who question the writer's observations, try and put yourself in their shoes.
6
Life is too short to live in the Southeast.
7
I find it remarkably depressing that you recommend special traveler's guides that will provide information to LGBTQ people about where it is safe to go. From 1936 until 1966, there existed the The Negro Motorist Green Book. It was published by Mr. Green and it listed the safe places for the African American driver to go. It listed where one could get gas, food, a bed without danger and what road/area were the safest to drive on. It looks like we are coming right back to those times.
12
This article is poorly argued. One isolated incident does not make a pattern of ‘risks of traveling while Queer’.
1-how does anyone know you’re queer? I see women with women, often hugging and laughing, and can’t assume they are lesbian.
2-how do you know that person following you is not going to the same place? Highways are by definition long journeys. And I’ve met many obnoxious people who insisted on ‘following’ me with high beams. It is human nature to lock onto the car in front of you and follow it when on a dark road at night. The assumption is that the car in front will avoid potholes and roadkill so you only need to follow them to be safe.
3-If you feared a hate crime, turning off the highway is the dumbest thing possible. Nobody will assault you on a Federal highway. If you turned off and stopped along some dirt track in Redneck State Z, you’re much less safe.
4-If they really wanted to harass you, they would be flashing lights and honking to get your attention. They might tailgate and roll down their windows to yell and give you the finger. Harassers always want to be noticed. Your description does not fit my idea of harassment.
5-Ever considered alternative explanations? I know an elderly Jewish couple, accountants. Totally mild and pleasant. But they always drive with high beams at night and are ultra defensive, including following the car in front religiously (at a safe distance). Some elderly people really need these lights.
14
You're living in the wrong part of the country. It's that simple. People self-segregate for a reason.
Of course, if you're black, you're not safe anywhere. It would help you to put your predicament in perspective.
12
Black travelers from about the 40s to the 70s relied on something called the "Green Book." The book identified towns where it was safe to eat, refuel and stay as opposed to sundown towns where "Negroes" could be lynched if caught there after sunset. It's sad that with the advent of Trumpism a similar publication might be necessary today.
8
My own experience is similar to Lara's. Transgendered, M to F, I came out of the closet, a few years ago after I retired. Out of the closet but oh so leery of how people around me respond to my presence. I live in a small area, so I'm constantly on the look out for people who recognize me but don't know about me.
I'm 68, have been on hormone replacement therapy for 2 years, am tall and do not 'pass' all that well. However I've taken the attitude that I am, have the right to be, and act like I belong wherever I am. Therefor I've taken the outlook that I do 'pass' because it's who I am.
The last experience of unusual treatment, or harassment, was in a Walmart. This fellow, about my age, had me tagged from down the aisle and stared at me as I passed. Another time also in a Walmart, the clerk at checkout, called me sir, despite my dress and makeup. But I've also been yelled at and hooted by a group of young men after leaving a store and stared at in restaurants.
So, no, being queer isn't fun. Acceptance and inclusion of people different from others shouldn't be a political issue--it should be a right. So called 'social conservatives' are haters and bigots, and all too often hypocrites. It's fine to make political issues out of economics but not out of basic human rights. I think a sea-change has taken place; so many people are accepting, but there are still haters out there.
2
Sundown town information and US database:
https://sundown.tougaloo.edu/sundowntowns.php
As sundown towns built their reputation--- and higher property values--- on decades of extra-judicial violence against AfricanAmerican people, those same places may still be dangerous to people who are marginalized in some way: poor, non-white, non-Christian, non-straight.
1
Don't think you're the only ones. I'm a straight white man who almost got assaulted by some nutjobs in Idaho for driving with California plates. This was in the '80s.
7
Imagined dangers.
Do 2 straight women traveling alone face any less danger than 2 queer women alone? ... No.
Stop making imagined arguments that hurt the real cause.
13
Mark Knopfler describes interstate travel in America in his song "Baloney Again"
'We don't eat in no white restaurants
We're eating in a car
Baloney again, baloney again
We don't sleep in no white hotel bed
We're sleeping in a car, baloney again
You don't strut around in these country towns
You best stay in the car
Look on ahead don't stare around
You best stay where you are
You're a long way from home, boy
Don't push your luck too far
Baloney again'
2
Learn martial arts. It can't protect you against a gun, but it can against a fist.
The man who had to endure the mocking with the limp wrist thing: I am totally on the side of the LBGQT community. But you are going to have to learn to be tougher and not let this nonsense get to you. You sound like whiney 9-year-olds, not empowered adults. Get tough and ignore them - it will make them mad and they will have no place to put their anger.
4
Seems like there's a fair amount of hyperbole in the story,
11
Ah, and as for a LGBTQ travel guide for places to avoid in the U.S., there's an easy generalized one available. Have a look at the electoral map, and any place that voted for Trump by a significant amount, LGBTQ people should steer clear or at least exercise caution. Any place that's a blue country, abuse will probably only be verbal at most; but of course there are no guarantees, as there are homophobic idiots everywhere.
5
Joanne: Perhaps you would like to get some snow tires and an engine block heater (look it up) for a move to Canada.
Things are far from perfect here and, sadly, incidents like what you wrote about do occur. Nevertheless, I am confident that you will find a much friendlier, open and supportive environment. I am proud to say that our government, at all levels, is aware and responding to the concerns you share in this article.
Take a deep full breath of the cold, clean air of freedom here. Peace, Order and Good Government.. (and no angry orange haired idiots) Imagine that!!
I am hopeful that there will be a "help wanted" sign out there somewhere in this large country for you. I remain confident that you will ALL be welcomed and well looked after here. It's a really nice place, why not check it out?
4
We need to know we are war with Christian conservatives and evangelist led by a racist president. Until Trump and Pence are removed from the White House there will be no such thing as equal rights.
5
My family members are not "lesbian" nor "gay" nor "bisexual" nor "transgender" nor "queer" nor "homosexual" nor "straight" nor "heterosexual." My family are human beings whose ancestors began in Africa 300,000+ years ago by biological DNA genetic evolutionary fit natural selection to crave fat, salt, sugar, habitat, water, sex and kin by any means necessary including conflict and cooperation.
But they are all colored yellow, beige, brown and dark brown as a result of our shared mixed color aka race African, European, Asian and American ancestry. Color is an evolutionary fit pigmented response to varying levels of solar radiation at altitudes and latitudes primarily related to Vitamin D production and protecting genes from damaging mutations. Human gender identity is determined in the womb when gonads develop and then the brain. "Mistakes" are naturally made.
Being the heirs of enslaved African property in America along with the separate and unequal while black in America has been the historical essence that has defined my families lives. There is no closet to hide in that conceals color unless you are light enough to pass for white. And the white LGBTQ are just often just as bigoted and privileged as whites who are not.
To be black and LGBTQ in America is to be doubly bedeviled. Homophobia is as rampant in the black " Christian" church as it is among white evangelical "Christians." Knowing the LGBTQ among my family has softened but not eliminated their bigotry.
3
Not to down play the real violence toward LGBTQ, but being a woman of color probably had something to do with the hostility you faced in Whiteville.
5
A phrase, “it gets better,” is a self-reassurance in our GLBTQ community. Sadly the graph depicting our ascent towards first-class citizenry falls back when the country is led by a malignant bigot the likes of Donald Trump.
When we return to growing enfranchisement for all?
1
It is sad that people can't be safe because of who they are. Unfortunately, as I am sure the writer knows, the harassment and violence is not limited to travel outside of familiar surroundings. Hate crimes against gay people continue in NYC. See the NYPD stats which show about 20 complaints a quarter in 2017. https://www1.nyc.gov/site/nypd/stats/reports-analysis/hate-crimes.page
1
You have every right to be upset and angry after being harassed on a public highway by a total stranger. Lately the general harassment, especially the sexual harassment, of women has emerged as a much bigger problem than most Americans thought it was. As a man I have great respect for the brave women who are now speaking up. However, as I read your account of what happened to you and your friend the element of harassment aimed specifically against L.G.B.T.Q. seems to be missing. How would the harassers have known you were "Traveling While Queer" as you put it? Two women stopping for gas doesn't signal your sexual orientation. This seems more like a case of old fashion "redneck" harassment of outsiders passing through their turf than it does a hate crime against L.G.B.T.Q. people. I make no excuses for the actions of the harassers...they were wrong and you have every right to be angry.
2
"Prius hunting." It was dark and little traffic on Hwy 40 between Hickory, NC and Black Mountain, on my way to a social work conference this November in Asheville, NC. I'm in the right lane, going 75ish and an older truck with 3 people in it pull up on my left. They turn hard right, cutting me off, sending me scattering, swerving off the right side, just missing an bridge abutment. I make it back on the road, my radar back up.
2
'A woman in the passenger seat and the man driving the car put out their wrists and let them go limp, the chiding, stereotypical gesture for a gay man. “It just kind of reminded me of being bullied,'
It IS being bullied and it is a direct product of our Beast in Chief who sanctions this and many other depredations.
Yet, all of us, LGBTQ/AEWI (And Everyone Who Isn't) should distinguish the insult of a limp wrist from the real moral and physical transgressions perpetrated against those perceived to be different. Those transgressions include discrimination, physical threats and murder--simply because someone doesn't conform to another person's idea of what is OK.
While the article inspires sympathy, it confuses plebeian social slights with some of the truly awful travesties perpetrated against those who are different and makes a weaker case where a stronger case would be useful.
2
I hate to say it, but move somewhere progressive with awesome gayborhoods where this kind of inane ignorance and hate reside in higher concentrations. I have a number of LGBT friends from small town America who are much happier now (and safer) after moving to a big progressive city.
The cultural divide that exists between small town/rural America and most of the big cities is striking in its depth and breadth. As a native of Seattle who has spent half of his life in NYC and a few years in SLC I can say we would love to have you! The more open minded people the better!
3
So, any doubt based solely on the facts as described is " straightsplaining' and you're sure that the author is right solely because she is gay?
So, any negative comments from straight people are a priori invalid and any perceptions gay people have are, also a priori, entirely valid?
Surely you recognize how appallingly biased that is? Surely you understand that any analysis cannot be dismissed or validated based solely on the race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. of the idea's proponent?
And even if not, surely you recognize that you have no idea as to the sexual orientation of most of the negative commentators? You just assume, that if it does not agree with the authors, they must be straight.
5
If an angle sat on my shoulder 30 years ago, telling me the state of my life as a gay man in the USA today .. and the world. Would have brushed that little angle off my shoulder as a fraud.
I travel all over the USA ..and the world ... I can think of very few situations where I have had issues. Is the world perfect? No .. Do transgendered people have it harder in the (current) education of America .. yes.
The key is to never think of yourself as a victim -- when I think of all the people that died forcing the world to understand ... I can't view the current state of my life as anything but positive.
The world is not perfect ... I include the reference to "duck dynasty"
1
The Trump administration just issued a directive that the CDC is forbidden from using the word transgender (in addition to many others like evidence-based). That pretty much sums up the executive leadership of this country and is why the majority of this country needs to be mobilized to vote. https://www.vox.com/2017/12/16/16784498/cdc-seven-words-science-transgen...
4
So, the groups from "Duck Dynasty" without any words exchanged, and with one of you still in the car, deduced that one was transgender and both gay. One then followed you down the highway, but was so good at it that you couldn't tell for an hour. Then drove similarly, took the same exit, but instead of confronting you or making any attempt at contact, ignored you, and drove away. Well, yes, your explanation is one possibility. Another is some different vehicle came up behind you on the highway an hour later, disliked some aspect of your driving and then acted like a jerk until he came to his exit. Or some different vehicle was unaware their high beams were on and copied your motions because they are mimic drivers, and got off at your exit. I tend to get paranoid about certain things too, based on past experience, but often I am wrong.
9
America is a country of over 300 million people. You'll never having 100% agreeing on any issue, including human rights. Very conservative states have millions of people who are kind, decent people who would never hurt anyone. There are always a few cruel people in every state, even liberal new york and california. You need to take caution wherever you travel. Sad, but true
3
This experience is unacceptable. Two people should be allowed to travel safely and without harassment anywhere in our nation no matter their color or sexual identification.. I had a similar experience in the 60's traveling as a white woman with an eastern Indian woman of a dark complexion. We had stopped late at night for a meal and were refused to be allowed in the same dining area as she was told to go to the negro section. We left after a light weight protest and realized we were being followed. Up the road a ways in dense fog a truck was blocking the road. It turned out to be unrelated and our followers disappeared into the fog. The terror we experienced haunts me to this day. Thank goodness, our outcome was similar to this one but the scare scarred me deeply. It was absolutely primal.
3
If you are on the highway and suspect you are being harassed or followed use your cell phone to contact the state highway patrol. Additionally, don't make yourself further vulnerable by getting off the highway at a rural exit. Finally, NC is a concealed carry state. It is your human right to defend yourself.
8
A couple of others have pointed out the Duck Dynasty reference and stereotyping. It’s been my experience that I get along pretty well with people that don’t look like me once we get past the gift wrap and bow.
6
There is another issue here that bears further consideration. A man puts a rainbow decal on his car, openly expressing his opinion to all and sundry, whether they want to "hear" it or not and whether they agree with it or not. Then a car pulls up and the occupants express their opinion to him, in a fairly mild, also non-verbal way. Not threatening, just letting him know their opinion of his opinion.
This was hardly bullying, no more than his displaying the rainbow decal is bullying of those who don't happen to agree.
Opinions expressed, they both go on their way.
Your expression of an opinion does not entitle you to expect others to not give you their own non-violent response, however unwelcome it may be to you.
8
OK that's true. But what about being followed by a truck for 30 miles?
1
Note that the “guide for travelers” suggested by the author existed for decades for African-American travelers for use in the southern states and elsewhere. Probably still exists. How horrible is it that these things are necessary.
4
I'm disgusted by the number of commenters who minimize or explain away any danger to "another" . And by politicians like former Gov. McCrory who demonize and endanger others for a few quick political points.
9
I've been harassed bc wearing glasses, having an accent, being skinny and timid, wearing "weird" hat, etc etc...
That is what (some, in fact many) people do.
Why? Because they are humans, a species made of crooked timber.
And traveling outside the US, the "danger" described herein are way way worse.
3
Intimidation and violence against LGBT people often happens in murky circumstances, to the point where you're not quite sure if you were targeted or not. And with our unhinged president having recently appeared at a meeting sponsored by the Family Research Council, an anti-LGBT hate group, potential perpetrators undoubtedly feel empowered to come out of the shadows. I would take every precaution and trust your instincts, even if you're erring on the side of paranoia.
8
oops, lower concentrations! not higher
It amazes me that some of the comments on this think it's really a women's issue, not an LGBTQ issue. I don't know (actually, can't tell) if this is a way to sweep the persecution of LGBT people under the rug but I suspect it is. Maybe this is one of those "who can write what" pieces, and maybe the next time you solicit an op-ed on this subject, have a white man write it. Before you decide this is a sexist idea, consider that that way you won't have people saying this is a gender or a race issue when they comment on it.
1
It’s sad to see so many snarky comments here. We human beings are so ready to “ diminish and deride,” to quote Joni Mitchell. This country is polarized and rife with stereotypes, reflected even in the comments of sophisticated NYT readers. Can you discern my ethnicity, skin color, sexual identity from my comments? I think not. America is not immune to intolerance and tribalism, contrary to the propaganda we’ve been fed for generations. Any person of color, anyone disabled, anyone whose physical appearance belies their inner identity or proclivities in affairs of the heart or sexual yearning knows this. There is a lot of provincialism here, just like in other countries. If anything, our current political and social conditions have put this in stark relief.
Whenever I bump up against intolerant people, people who frighten me, and my own intolerance and prejudices, I go back to this poem by Miller Williams:
Have compassion for everyone you meet,
even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,
Bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign
Of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on
Down there where the spirit meets the bone.
11
There may come a day that he State Department no longer provides the service of travel warnings for LGBTQ travelers. Beware, Be aware!
As an American who lives abroad, I see these articles and wonder why people stay in the US who can be mobile? Canada, Europe and much of Asia simply isn't like this. Most of the civilised world does not pray to guns, hate gays nor does it try to minimise minorities and the weak. The Economist newspaper rates America as a "flawed democracy" behind 20 places that are true democracies. After having seen what real democracy is like, I have to agree.
There is love in my heart for the US, but it will be a long time before the really disqualifying flaws are ironed out. Honestly, consider leaving. This stuff never gets better--only worse, until there is a sea change. If the Obama presidency taught us anything, it is that the haters will lurk in the weeds and get stronger until they can strike back. America has chosen a heading. Be realistic. Sure, it is fine to fight and fine to cluster in New York/Boston or the West Coast, but why? Why stay when the nation is clearly sending signals it hates you and wants you hurt, minimised or even dead? Move on. Life is too short. Our people went to the US to find liberty--it just isn't there anymore.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
9
While our current President has taken the lid off of simmering hatreds for people who are different, the hate has always been there. Just this past Tuesday we saw the narrow defeat of a popular candidate who all but endorsed the institution of slavery!
Decent people can fight back by being polite and decent to everyone, by making positive assumptions upon meeting strangers who look different. But that will not change the real threats faced by L.G.B.T.Q. people and people of color, who are targeted by hateful people simply because they look different.
The unsatisfactory but real world solution is avoidance. Avoid dangerous areas and try to blend in to the environment if avoidance isn't possible. Tint your car windows. Take off the Obama and Hillary bumper stickers. Stay on Interstates and eat at McDonald's.
1
Back in the day, long-haired hippies were abused, taunted and sometimes spit upon. Life can be difficult. People will always feel threatened by differences.
3
There are fools, hatred, bigotry, anger, and more all over this nation, if not the world. Certainly, we should all do what we can to prevent it and to stop such idiocy.
But with respect, we need to stop it for all people. Not just LGBTQ, not just minorities, not just women.
It is past time to stop focusing on those things that set one apart in ironic attempt to be "equal" or "just like everyone else," as if some people or groups are more deserving or vulnerable than others, as if minimizing other's pain and issues is okay if it benefits you.
We all deserve respect and tolerance, and must give the same to everyone else. So better to focus on a universal message of peace, tolerance, respect, and personal responsibility for and by one and all.
2
One personal experience and one political observation:
1) Your experience, sadly, deviates dramatically from my own. Many years go, I drove from New York to New Orleans with two lesbians and one other guy. The two lesbians were very demonstrative in their sexual affections, carressing one another in service stations in rurul parts of Alabama and Mississippi and nothing happened to them or us -- with the exception that some locals advised us to be more cautious because some people, they said, would become rabidly violent at the sight of them.
The poliitical observation:
2) Sometime in the 1990's the state legislature of Coloroda did something, or failed to do something, that was seen as anti-gay. It was so long ago that I don't recall exactly what it was.
Some gay activists -- including, if I recall correctly, Barbara Streisand -- recommended a travel ban against Colorado.
I don't think it got off the ground. The travel ban seemed unwise. The sorts of Col spots that gay people tended to visit were more hospitable to homoseuxals than Col as a whole. Accordingly, if gay people had nixed Col from their travel plans, gay people and gay friendly people in Colorado would have been penalized by a measure that, supposedly, would have advanced gay interests.
Also, the idea of a travel ban or advisory stikes the wrong note. It conveys fear. I would be in favor of more militance and pugnacity -- such as martial arts training.
4
I never thought I'd say this, but I am contemplating buying a gun, learning to use it and applying for a concealed weapon permit so I can keep it in my car. Over the past year, I've gotten more and more worried about the anger and divisiveness in the country and the random shootings that have taken place. I have stopped going out in public as much as I used to. I used to enjoy trips to the mall, but no more. I try to avoid driving on freeways, because of the increase in road rage incidents. I look at the people around me when I'm out and I can't help but wonder who among them is armed. What if I unwittingly do something that angers one of them? It's terrifying. I'm 65 and have never even seen a gun in real life. But, I am starting to think that being one of the few people that isn't armed is foolish. Otherwise, I may have to stop going out altogether. Nowadays, anyone can be a target. America is a very dangerous place to live.
8
I am a gay woman, (saying that up front lest someone comment that I don't have the same lived experience as this author, and subsequently dismiss my comment). There is zero evidence (that you present in this essay, anyway) that you or your partner experienced any kind of harassment or were in any kind of danger. There is, however, clear evidence that *you* made unwarranted assumptions about people who looked different than north-east-coasters. Of course, you felt threatened once you made the assessment that these "duck dynasty types" were threatening. In the same way, we gay folks seem threatening as soon as someone makes the assessment that we are 'those folks who have an agenda to make kids gay across America' etc. Take a look at the man/woman in the mirror.... start there and be the change that you want to see in the world.
15
Ms. Spataro writes an intelligent, subjective analysis of her experience. I am certain it was terrifying while it happened. It may be of little comfort, but keep in mind that behaviors she describes are motivated not only by ignorance but also stupidity , and mostly by fear. Sadly, we do see the rise of anger and incivility in the past two years . Keep going forward. It's how we get there.
1
First, this happened. It's not fiction and claiming the author did not understand the situation is silly. There appear to be two kinds of posts here. Those who wish to minimize of dismiss what was described and those who have had similar experiences.
Next, would have describing the group as a "bunch of good ol' boys" have been better? Maybe " stereotypical in appearance for a casting call on Duck Dynasty." How about a more detailed individual description? Look - duck Dynasty has a very specific look and feel.
Finally, there are places you cannot safely go after dark and sometimes during the day either. It's wrong, it's sad, and it's reality. Not always in the boondocks either. Long ago, I was talking to a local about Key West and I directly asked about safety at night. His reply was to the effect that it's a good sized town and use the same judgement you would in any urban area. Being LGBTQ or a minority adds to the risk already present.
3
This is a good column for LGB people showing their difficulties. Unfortunately, T people, especiallly Trans women, have more difficulties — we can’t hide from public approbation. It’s pretty clear who we are just by seeing us.
3
I'm a Native American woman and have traveled alone many times in my life, long road trips being one of my favorite kinds of journey. I'm thankful that I've never had any trouble in recent years, now that I'm older and drive a conventional sedan. When I was younger, though, I was pulled over by police a few times--once for a taillight that was out, another time when a small light burned out that illuminated the license plate on the back of my older pickup truck. A big white man once rode the bumper of my old Ford Mustang till I pulled over in a "wide" spot on a narrow mountain road. He pulled over too, slammed out of his truck, and stalked back to my car. I rolled down the window as he came up. He glared at me and my sister, then craned his head to see who was sitting in back--my mom and my aunt, both in their 70s and busy crocheting afghans. "Someone's been pulling down mail boxes on this road," he barked, frowning, "and whoever's at it was driving a Mustang!" We were all quiet a moment, stunned and surprised. Finally Mom declared in her polite voice, "Well, it wasn't us." The man huffed, fuming. He hesitated, as if he believed we were somehow hiding the culprit among us, maybe under one of the expanding afghans. At last, his belligerence mollified, he gave us permission to continue. "Okay," he said grudgingly, "You can go."
3
As a older gay Puerto Rican man I have had my more than enough shares of experiences that would scare the most valiant of men or women, and to add to what has been written here: often, when travelling with, otherwise supportive heteros, they have not been able to understand my fear, placing me in very dangerous situations.
2
Aside from the class prejudice displayed in this article ("I saw a group of people who could have been extras on 'Duck Dynasty'...") I think the writer has provided an important perspective on the problems that confront LGBT people. As a Christian, I believe that wide embrace of The Golden Rule would prevent these appalling situations from arising in the first place.
1
Humans need to be humane.Fellow travellers on the planet need to cultivate a high degree of calculated indifference to personalities around them.
No two person are the same & this should be celebrated rather than deprecated.
Joanne Spataro is a truly sensitive soul looking for a peaceful living in an vast land such as hers.Instead she is subjected to much psychological & physical intimidation.
Human beings have an intrinsic right to live a life of freedom from fear,this need not be enshrined into the Constitution but should be etched into the hearts of all fellow travellers on the planet Earth.We are mere mortals with limited time space.
A very poignant story,reflecting an sad era of human intolerance.
Living in Key West makes me unaware of how cruel people can be. Years ago, this town adopted the moniker of "One Human Family." The LGBTQ community is very strong here and can be a haven for people who are unwelcome anywhere else. Come down here. We would love to have you visit or live.
1
I will join the chorus saying this is a pretty weak example of risks while traveling.
Dirty looks? Maybe, but so what. I'll ignore the paranoia of a car traveling in the same direction and then ..... nothing.
I'm a straight white male and have experienced far worse than this example. I guess that's because I'm privileged.
5
To all who wonder whether Spataro's account of the specific incident described was an actual threat, you are missing the point. The fear of being harassed, stalked, assaulted is real. Those who readily dismiss Spataro's concerns create a bubble where they do not have to acknowledge their unexamined privilege.
3
I appreciate your right to be your own realized self, but if driving cross-country frightens you, how about some defensive costuming? Dress for the occasion. This isn't about prejudice or blaming the victim but practicality - there are probably things you could both do to make yourselves blend in better and attract less attention.
3
I think it is probably important to recognize that humans are part of the animal kingdom if you are very different from the norm in whatever locale you find yourself in.
For example, if a white wolf from a distant wolf pack is dropped into a gray wolf regional area, and, that white wolf seeks social contact with a gray wolf pack, it will be attacked, and, it will only be accepted by, very likely, having to kill one of the larger gray wolves.
This is viewed as normal behavior in the animal kingdom.
So, I don't recommend drag queens stop at gas stations in small rural towns near the duck dynasty family.
Unless you are prepared to have to kill on of the larger versions of them to become accepted.
1
My advice: try the same trip,wearing a yarmulke and get back to us on whether that goes better or worse. In my experience, it will be the latter.
3
Thank you for speaking out about very real threats that LGBTQ folks experience on the road and otherwise from people who persistent in prejudicial actions in the form of physical and verbal abuse and/or in the passive denial or skepticism of such threats. It takes courage and candor to speak out in these times -- and so necessary if we are to maintain the civil rights protections that have been so hard won in this country over the last fifty years.
Driving while queer, driving while black, driving while female, depending on where you're driving (anywhere in the US when you're black) all carry the same and frankly bigger risks than those described here for those of us judged by the attacker to be a target. I used to frequently drive long distances, often at night, and at least three times during those drives I was not just followed, but trapped (by blocking my lane, sideswiping, tailgating etc.) to the point that I was incredibly fortunate to make it to an exit and peel off before the stalker could follow me. Then I'd call 911 and wait in a gas station or truck stop until I stopped shaking. I'm a plain white middle aged basically heterosexual female driving an unremarkable car. My point is that these risks exist for all of us who are perceived as a potential victim by those who victimize. They existed before Trump, only now the victimizers are emboldened.
6
This is only one examples of the way Trump and his buddies and enablers have changed our culture.
It has become OK to reach for the worst in oneself and let it rip.
It has become not OK to try to reach for the best in oneself. Reaching for improvement and moving on from lapses in thoughtful and considerate treatment of others is now condemned.
The fish stinks from the head.
6
I travel alone quite a bit and often find myself in the red part of red states. I seldom if ever have issues.
But, then again, I'm a white male who goes out of his way to blend in to the background since the best way to draw unwelcome attention to yourself is to stand out from the crowd. So I tend to pick bland rental cars with in-state tags and dress pretty generically in muted colors. This tends to work pretty well; people leave me alone and I don't really worry a whole lot about my personal safety, which permits me a degree of what I'd call relaxed vigilance regarding it.
Now here's the thing: I'm gay and have a black husband with dreadlocks. Things are different when we're traveling together and personal safety becomes a very salient issue for us. I raise this because I have questions about how much the author experiences is homophobia and how much is simply old-fashioned American racism and how much is a foul combination of both. You can't hide being a woman or being a person of color, which matters a lot.
The other thing I'd add is that people in blue states shouldn't be too smug about conditions there. We've had some unpleasant experiences in Massachusetts and New Hampshire and California and great experiences in Georgia and Louisiana. There are racists and homophobes everywhere, even in so-called "progressive" places. But there are also really decent people in the red parts of red states. Some of them even look like they could be cast members on "Duck Dynasty"...
62
I'm disappointed at the number of snarky comments I'm reading in the New York Times of all places!
4
Whiteville. How fitting.
2
Why does the NYT always insist running stories like this? They are just as destructive as a "gay bashing" story one would see in Breitbart.
I get it! We have an active LGBT community in this country. For the life of me, I want to see better movie roles for transgender actors and more LGBT owned car dealerships- more than anyone! But these vignettes, these "lay a guilt trip on the straights" don't help. For a group who is always clamoring about "fairness and equality" and wants to be treated like everyone else- these selfish expose stories serve little or no purpose. Fine- you're gay! You are going to run into some ignoramus every now and then- we all do. Now what more do you want from me?
4
As a gay man traveling with my partner in the US and abroad, I am wary of staying in places like B&Bs, unless a web search has identified it as gay-friendly. We tend to stay in cities or in resort areas which we know to be liberal-minded. Risk of violence is the extreme, but rudeness or just bad vibes can ruin a vacation too. I can remember in my college days backpacking through Europe with male buddies and staying at budget places where we often shared beds, because that was what was available - our age and grubbiness identified us as students, not gay men. I miss the freedom of being able to travel and stay anywhere without worrying about how my companion(s) and I will be treated.
3
I’m trying to find a sentence here that says you were attacked.
4
As a resident of the very near vicinity of Whiteville, this news particularly alarms me. However, it isn't limited to that area,or NC, or any geographic location for that matter. And it is not just against LGBT people. Google how many inmates are on Death Row in California alone. The world is full of predators. For that reason, I never go ANYWHERE unarmed. I am a gay woman, a black belt, and a damned good shot. Be careful, be vigilant always. There is no safe ground.
2
Below @Aaron Adams has the problem solved.
You won't believe it's 2017.
It doesn't get much more repugnant them this.
"Keep the pride flags off your car and no one will know or care." He has 142 "recommendeds." Not much ambiguity. "Shut up and get back in the closet. Why do you people have to parade who you are? And make the rest of us feel angry at how strange you are? If you don't stop we're going to kill you."
Mr. Adams actually says "some" people are frightened of the transgendered, "some" presumably meaning him. Myself, I'm more frightened of people with guns and baseball bats.
The Trumpist message is now the de facto law of the land. "Black people, Muslims, gay people, probably Asians — don't travel where you're not wanted. It's okay to kill you now. We will." Myself, I would no more drive-through Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Tennessee, or North Carolina — daytime or night time — without a gun to my head. Actually, that's probably how it would happen.
Leave your rainbow flags at home. It's 2017 in what used to be the United States of America.
4
As a queer man currently living in North Carolina and with many relatives in the Deep South who I visit, I find the newly emboldened conservatives repugnant and the anxiety I have while driving through some of our rural areas to be a nuisance. However, I think your alarmism about simply driving through the South is really unfounded. I see cars with Equal sign bumper stickers, stickers supporting Obama, and many other liberal causes and many times they are driving through a very countrified area. Most people will leave you alone, approving or disapproving. I think you will find that North Carolina is a great deal more normal and welcoming than you would imagine, and there are many people here with varying degrees of experience with LGBT people who support equal rights. Some people might still believe stereotypes, but many are decent people who support and celebrate equality. I don't agree with them, and sometimes I find them difficult to talk to, but I have even come out to *gasp* Trump supporters, who have not treated me any differently. Believe me, it's not Gilead here yet, and there are many, many people who will fight to prevent that.
1
Visitors to Thailand will notice large numbers of transvestites and transgender persons who are called ladyboys. Not only are they tolerated, there are ladyboy beauty contests held in public. One airline hires ladyboys as flight attendants. Whereas North Americans tend to be immature and insecure in matters of sexual identity.
2
Newfie
Well that's kind of the ironic point, isn't it?
These big, burly, macho American men are really a mob of sissy-pants, frightened to death of anything that wasn't staring them in the face the day they were born.
If they been among the pioneers, the US would end at Boston.
All Trump, and the GOP, and the NRA did was give them unfettered access to the guns that make it safe for them to come out of the closet.
What's really frightening is they honestly seem to believe they're the real, the only Americans. McConnell/Ryan/Trump are happy to help them believe it, because they're sacred, too.
1
The same problem exists for minorities, Jews, and Muslims (and anyone who might be taken to be one). And even "liberals". Harassment not stopping at murder.
1
So nobody cursed you out. No one threatened you with violence. No one used slurs. No one assaulted you.
You THINK that someone was glaring at you and you THINK that someone was following you. And somehow this says something about the high risks of being queer? How do you know that the other people were even following you? Maybe, just maybe they weren't even thinking about you when you stereotyped them as "Duck Dynasty" extras.
Unfortunately they won't get previous space in the NYT to talk about that time a woman glared at them.
5
"You THINK that someone was glaring at you and you THINK that someone was following you. And somehow this says something about the high risks of being queer? "
Yeah, that and a long and growing history of dead guys stapled to fences, dragged behind trucks, stabbed to death in bars, or mutilated because some lonely macho man made the mistake of thinking he was hitting on a really hot babette.
Sure, the Duck Dynasty comment was way, way out of line. Disrespectful and every bit as prejudicial as anything Spataro might hear. But it was a comment made to the air, not shouted in somebody's face.
And let's remember the Senior Duckster is on record blaming gay people as a prime reason for "160,000 murders" and threatening to "rid the earth" of them. Offensive it may have been, maybe even mean-spirited and certainly, as I say, based in prejudice. But not without some ground in reality.
I hate to say it because I know you probably don't like guns, but go get you a Glock (I would suggest 9MM) and a concealed carry permit. It will give you peace of mind.
1
What is the point of stating that the men looked like they were extras from Duck Dynasty? Sounds like a blatant sterotyping, maybe even racism. Are the guys from the Duck Dynasty show known to be racists or Klansmen? Or are they simply white guys with beards? Even hippies? The whole story sounds made up to me, another agenda pushing article.
6
The Duck Dynasty guys you encountered sound like nasty, aggressive jerks .... But I don't think we can conclude they acted that way toward you and your girlfriend because you are gay, and/or because she is transgender... How would the guys have even known those details? Sounds to me like all they saw was 2 women in a car ... and acted badly based on that.
3
Do you think a Trump supporter can wear their MAGA ball cap and safely travel to a college campus, or through the streets of San Francisco and not get hissed at, called a racists and sexist by mobs of SJWs? You think white guys can venture into big city black or Hispanic neighborhoods and feel safe?
5
I find it difficult to vizualise how they would know anything about your gender as you drove into the gas station. You fill the tank, she sits in the car... Sorry to say it; really, but this bit of your story sounds a little like paranoia.
7
I think this column should have been renamed "The risk of thinking people are thinking about you when no one actually cares about you." In think in psychiatry they call it paranoid delusions...
5
perhaps duck dynasty is a bit stereotypical, but then if the shoe fits... reminds me of my gun-toting, trump-voting, nra member, younger brother. you should have been in charlottesville last august. these dd lookalikes were there too. carrying confederate flags and wearing all sorts of nazi regalia. not on a duck shoot, they were armed with sawed off shotguns, ar15s, glocks, nightsticks, baseball bats, different kinds of hand grenades (smoke, tear gas, concussion). but the actual murderer of Heather Heyer wore a white polo shirt and khaki slacks and killed with his sporty transam fastcar. also, racists who tried to kill DeAndre Harris, beating him with all manner of clubs and kicking him, (NYTimes Oct 17) were dressed as though they'd just come from either a tennis match or a construction worksite. so, racist, trans-homophobic, anti-semitic bigots dress as they may. just take a look at the marchers in the torchlight march the night before Heather was killed and DeAndre near beaten to death: these handsome young white men chant, "Jews will not replace us!"(cnn.com/2017/08/12). i am transgender and from kentucky, I don't even dream of going home for the holidays. my older brother, an evangelical christian thinks trump (the brutal misogynist) is a manifestation of satan, sure 'nough, but he's doing god's work: an instrument of god. when i told him i was transgender, he asked, "on judgement day what are going to say to god?" a bit taken aback, i said, "i'll say, 'hi,mom.'"
I couldn’t get gas in Alabama cause the pump jockey thought my friend and I were gay. We weren’t, spooky place.
2
What in the name of logic, makes you think it is your sexual proclivity that caused the glares and threatening behavior of the yahoos from Whiteville?
Any interracial couple, "partners" or simply two folks, one black one white, in the front seat of a car in Whiteville, would have caused the same repulsive behavior on the part of "Duck Dynasty" stand ins.
It is YOUR self consciousness about who you are as a couple that led to your false conclusions about why you attracted attention.
5
Blacks have lived with similar risks since the Civil War.
Cry the beloved country!
3
The risks of "traveling while queer appear to be very minimal. Someone may or may not have followed her, and someone feigned limp wrists to a gay guy. She built an entire essay on THAT, and the NYT published it? Oh, the humanity.
1
Ahhhh, the south. Still so intolerant and unenlightened. So pathetic.
3
I agree with the overall message here. I assume this will be an unpopular comment despite coming from a liberal queer man but: doesn't this sound like racism or sexism more than homophobia? I somehow doubt anyone was chasing the author because they somehow surmised the two women in question were girlfriends rather than girl friends. How would they even figure out that connection, much less act on it? Sorry if that's offensive and I do agree with the overall point. But I'm having a hard time believing two women taking a road trip are being stalked by angry queer hating men. Those idiots would probably rather watch a lesbian porn pic than go on a road chase after women they somehow managed to guess were gay.
6
This isn’t new or surprising. During segregation blacks had the Negro Motorist Green Book which told them what hotels/homes would allow them to stay during road trips. What needs to continue is we call these folks out on their hateful behavior and make note of those that approve and support their views. This way we stop financially supporting them. They want to live by the sword of bigotry let them starve and die by the same sword.
2
Once that here was once a green book for Black travelers. Sad that we must now insider a purple book. When will this ever end?
2
It has never been safer to be a gay person in America than today.
3
You are not traveling queer, you are traveling interracial. Two of my daughters are married to white guys. They are both fine young men. They have stories similar to yours.
11
By this statement: "As I filled the tank and Lara sat in the car, I saw a group of people who could have been extras on “Duck Dynasty” gathered by two pickup trucks." you're guilty of the same profiling and pre-judgement that you describe in your article. Rural folks with low education don't take well to people who aren't like them but isn't that exactly what you did too? You picked up on people who are different from you and reacted if only in your head but the onus is on you and your friend to set an example and walk the walk yourselves. You're no different from the rednecks and vice versa.
6
Gosh, I have a a lot of trouble with social code language. From the context, "woman of color" means not lily-white? LGBTQ means what? I don't watch television, so what is "Duck Dynasty"? "Queer" used to mean 'strange' or 'odd' but of course particular social groups used the term internally to describe their hive and from there it entered into the vernacular.
Like, this article is sloppy writing filled with its own stereotypes.
Of course, the emotion comes across. Two folks felt vulnerable because some yahoos glared at them. But the example of being followed is not at all convincing because when they pulled off the road and stopped (a dumb move if they were truly being stalked) the vehicle kept going.
I'd suggest if these two gentle folks feel they are truly in jeopardy from creepy social elements that they exercise caution by traveling in day light hours and make their stops in slightly upscale areas. If they have to travel at night, make those pit stops in well-lit areas that are not close to seedy sections of towns.
I'm a well built muscular guy, and sometimes I'm a bit nervous around late night drunks and bozos who gun their cars and trucks.
3
I know I shouldn't, but I find this essay to be extremely irritating and whiny. I'm gay and grew up in Oklahoma and I understand firsthand the insidious effect of homophobia. Until I moved away I listened to my elected officials treat my community like a case of herpes. I understand what it means to have to watch pronouns, to cautiously approach work colleagues, to not demonstrate the slightest affection in public.
I also know that if some loser in a pickup truck followed me and then sped off, I would not carry that around with me for more than the time it took me to look at my wife and go "good grief what a moron." It might spark a conversation about the dummies of the world and how they probably voted for our clown president, but seriously that's it.
I have dealt with Westboro Baptists in my face and strange looks from hotel clerks and countless other (mostly just irritating) interactions with hostile or ignorant folks over the many years I've been alive, and I don't doubt the sincerity of the author here, but a guy making a limp wrist gesture? Please don't lose any sleep over this.
I know many people will read this and say, "but how do you know your safety is not at risk by the guy in the pickup truck?" "It's never okay for a bully to intimidate you!" I get that. I also know that I've been gay for 44 years and I choose to not let people control me. We do need protections but we also can't live in fear. I wish the author good luck.
8
Micro-aggressions don't matter: limp-wristing, stalking, etc., ho hum. Is that what you are saying? I don't know, that I agree on that. Certainly, don't be controlled by others or let it make you feel controlled by others.
1
The lesson I’ve learned living in the rural south for most of my life as an atheist is to keep quiet and don’t stick out. I think the same applies to anyone who’s gay - although obviously it’s much harder. At the very least, I’d recommend removing any bumper stickers or other overt signs. No, it’s not right, but you can’t fight all the idiots in the world.
2
You were in Wilmington? I suppose my question applies more to Lara than you.. Anyway, your story sounds as though you happened upon a sundown town. Perhaps the LGBTQ community needs its own Green Book for travel around the US. Until then, be safe.
"What do you have to lose?"
-- Candidate Trump to LGBT voters in 2016
Don't worry, Tump'll take care of it for us!
In this story (and that's all it is from the humorist and aspiring memoir writer), we have a woman and a biological male (who thinks he's a woman)...so a straight couple. Who feel the need to say that they are "Queer" -- a term that many actual homosexuals (myself included) find offensive.
This woman then goes on to compare the fact that homosexuality is punishable by death around the world...with the "bathroom bills." As if they are in any way related. As if they are in any way comparable.
It is way past time for the Trans/Queer/Gender brigade to go their own way and fight their own battles with their own money. It is way past time for us to separate the notions of Sexual Orientation/Homosexuality and Gender Identity and end the LGBTQ+ nonsense. We are not stronger together. We do not fundamentally believe the same things.
Either biology dictates whether we are men/women/boys/girls...or behavior and belief does. Both sides can't be right. And if we as a society believe that a little effeminate boy is maybe actually a girl...is that really progressive? Is that freedom? Is the end result any different than the countries that criminalize homosexuality?
The notion of a "Queer" and "LGBTQ+" community is anti-gay and lesbian. The Left needs to wake up and see what it is doing. What it is becoming.
14
That this type of behavior should have increased in 2017 is not a coincidence, I fear.
Right now, on this very web page is another story: “How a president’s name became a racial jeer: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/16/us/trump-racial-jeers.html?hp&act...®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news
It is not a coincidence! And I lay this firmly at the doorstep of Trump.
He is the one who should be apologizing to you and your girlfriend. But he won’t. So I will:
I am distressed and embarrassed to live in a country where the two of you cannot travel safely - even 3 hours from your home. I am sorry the country that gave birth to me has allowed me to live to see a day where racism and bigotry are on the increase. If it were in my power, it would be on the decrease. I am ashamed of the pervert and bully in the White House.
Please stay safe!
5
-
Why do you think they call it fly over country?
1
I'm sorry you feel unsafe traveling by car, but would like to point out that anti-gay prejudice and Duck Dynasty both pre-date the Trump administration.
2
Confirmation bias.
There is no reason to believe that a trans person was being targeted. How would anyone know she was trans just by looking at her?
There is no reason to believe that either or both women were being targeted for being queer. How could anyone know just by looking at them they are queer?
There is no reason to think a group of people who look like characters on Duck Dynasty think, believe, or would behave in any particular way. (This is simply bias.)
There is no reason to think this story is LGBTQ related.
More parsimoniously?
A couple of women traveling alone attracted unwanted attention; even attention for being a mixed-race couple of women in the South.
Does the author-or the reader-simply believe you can tell a queer or trans person just by looking at them?
Tragically, this story fuels the victimology mindset by accepting confirmation bias as fact https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201504/what-is-confi...
Moreover, putting this story in an echo-chamber will have a resounding resonance with other biased persons. Here is a way to stop the noise: https://blog.deming.org/2016/12/countering-confirmation-bias/
Do not choose “The Reassuring Lie,” you’ve seen that movie. https://blog.deming.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/inconvienent-truth.jpg The Reassuring Lie is also distributed as Truthiness.
8
This is common for African Americans and other people of color in sundowner towns across the country. Don’t be out after dark.
Thanks for writing about this important topic!
Words are not violence.
4
Joanne, I am so sorry this happened to you two and that parts of our beloved country are in such a backwards and hateful condition. As you stated, our "president" obviously has a lot to do with it. He has emboldened bigots. But he won't be around forever. Please take heart in knowing that these awful people are a minority and as President Obama often says, quoting Dr. King, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." Safe travels.
4
I live in NC. If you are so worried about your safety then why didn't you just drive on the Interstate ( I40 and I85) from Wilmington to Charlotte? I have driven that route many times and can assure you that if you had stopped at a gas station along the way no one would have looked at you twice. I am an educated liberal democrat and I am tired of the entire South being categorized as a bunch of red neck Duck Dynasty types. It just ain't true. Plus, have you even ever watched Duck Dynasty? I doubt it. The characters on that show do not match the stereotypes you are ascribing to them.
17
No matter what you think of this essay (I have problems with it as well), the answer is never "drive a different route."
Gays know that we need to keep ourselves safe, and we do, but this is a temporary measure. The longterm solution is to change the culture. Your glib response is not helpful.
1
True dat. The Duck Dynasty guys are the last ones you would have to fear. However, taking a more traveled route and using busier gas stations is wise.
Is Trump the cause of this increasingly hate infused society that is America or merely a symptom? Are the hate warriors inspired by a sense of the demise of their narrow minded culture or just angry because an increasingly technology driven world renders them increasingly useless?
Or perhaps it is the result of the right wing political propaganda machine cynically exploiting the inherited resentments that began even before the Civil War but crystallized into a devastating political force after the federal integration of the south under LBJ.
At any rate, you don't have to be a southern "queer" to be victimized by this hatred- it is crippling our entire country by dividing people whose political interests should be uniting them.
But then again, almost 50 years ago, I was a long haired hippy hitch-hiking from Lexington KY to Palm Beach Fl. the first time I had visited the south (before the Allman Bros). The hostility of people driving by was remarkable- people screaming and me and my friend, throwing things at us and finally drenching us with a bucket of used transmission fluid. Maybe rural, white southern culture has always been hostile to outsiders.
4
Why didn't you shave and cut your hair?
I especially worry about this now that I'm married and my wife travels with me. And yes, straight women who travel alone or in pairs have to worry too, but the danger is different when you are queer and people can tell that. I have very short hair, wear "boy's clothes," and have androgynous features so they happen to assume correctly I am gay. And this puts me in more danger then the average woman because I am also a queer one. A percentage of men either want to have sex with me (read rape me) or beat me up when they learn I'm gay. I am also threatened by other women as. Women often assume I'm a boy when I first enter a restroom and then they get nasty. It's not as bad in Seattle as when I was a kid, but it is anywhere else it's pretty bad. People just treat you poorly in general.
My wife passes as a straight femme lady, but when she's with me, she doesn't have that protection. Once, in Seattle, she pecked me on the lips on the sidewalk. A group of six men wolf-whistled at us and then proceeded to follow us for 3 blocks. I was very scared. So yeah I agree with an earlier poster- it is travel, but it is also about how we live safely anywhere in this country (obviously some places are safer then others) especially when our government is intent on destroying our marriage rights and our right to equal service, and purging information about/for us on government websites.
3
first you say that "Travel advisories and bans may seem like strong measures but the don't really protect..." and then conclude with "we need traveler's guides ...on a county-by-county level". So which is it??
While I agree with your initial statement, aside from my disgust with the idea that travel bans similar to State Department statements about third-world countries, are even needed, my guess is that the latter suggestion will be something created by a group of angry LGBTQ's who've discovered a new way to vent their disgust.
You may fantasize about everyone's total acceptance, or better still, lack of opinion, of your particular situation, but this is the real world, and even worse, the Trump world, and you're going to have to live with it.
1
Wait til it happens to you one day. Maybe you are straight, Christian, white cisgender and have “correct” politics and so you’ll never be a target. Lucky you.
You could try having some empathy for those of us who face these risks.
As for “learn to live with it” - here’s what I do. I carry a handgun with me all of the time. I never owned one before my gender transition, but after an incident where someone showed up to prey on someone who was trans in a likely location to find us and preyed on me, I started carrying one.
At this point, if someone tries something like that with me again it better be worth a fight for their life because if i have ANY opportunity at all I won’t hesitate to take their life. I don’t like guns, and I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like always being on edge when someone is rude to me because I’m trans - is this just verbal aggression, or are we going to have a blood bath?
You try living with that everyplace you go in every situation you are in and see how you like it.
The party of Trump enabling hatred, divisiveness, racism has brought our nation down.
1
Goodness, I must have missed the "fact" that until January 20, 2017, there was no hatred, divisiveness or racism in the Obama ear or before.
2
It is certainly understandable that you feel upset about the "Duck Dynasty" following you. I, too, am suspect outside of the city due to (I guess) my short hair and urban clothes. People are tribal. Those not subject to difference on a regular basis can behave badly in the face of it. Humans are animals and they are territorial.
In other words, if you want them to understand you, you've got to understand them. I've spent a lot of time in the gay community, but have shockingly found myself resentful of the rainbow flag recently. People also behave territorially when they feel threatened. The bathroom issue is not, as you put it, a hateful act. It's far more complex and to be perfectly frank, where you think you should use the toilet of your "choice" I am being forced (at my workplace) to go out of my way to use single-stall restrooms because there was no CHOICE for most of the population when they made the bathrooms gender neutral. It is NOT my choice to share the bathroom with men so that YOU can have a choice. And this attention-seeking campaign at children's schools -- where the schools offer the single-use, the campaign is that this is somehow "bigoted" and then -- again -- kids are forced to share it with the opposite sex.
The myopia of this movement, and its ad hominem "arguments" have even turned me against a group that I used to feel proud to call my friends.
4
Mr. dbsweden, If the antagonizers in question had been black and described as "looking like extras for a rap video" would it still be explanatory and not insulting?
7
Reading the responses to your piece, I am appalled though not surprised at the amount of criticism you are receiving. People who have not been victimized just don't get it. I was once driving alone up to a campsite above a lovely, gay-friendly town in N. Ca, and was stalked all the way up the narrow winding road by two complete strangers, men. The stared at me at a stop sign, then turned and followed me. I knew the road well, so I sped up the road, heart pounding, then backed into my campsite so they would not recognize the rear of my car. I grabbed my dog and we went and hid in some trees near my tent.The men turned off their headlights as they drove slowly around the campground, shining a flashlight out their window at each car. They then parked and walked back thru the campground quietly. My dog and I crouched quietly waiting and listening; they finally walked back to their car and drove away back down the mountain.
My advice; if your gut tells you they are following you, then act as if they are. Your life could depend on it. I carry a gun now, and know how to use it.
This country is full of people who have no concept of genuine personal power, and will seek to get a little moments rush of feeling power at the expense of someone else. Then it wears off, and they have to go get it again. That is what sexual predation is all about. And our president is clearly one of those people, giving license to others to be predators also.
Trust your intuition...
5
I get your point, but in all fairness, the victimization was all in her head. We see no actual actions by the supposed offending parties. Whether or not she was actually followed is, as numerous commenters have noted, unsure.
We should absolutely address bias and threat, but we cannot use bias as a judgement (pick up truck, "Duck Dynasty" type, etc.) or basis for action, or the mere perception of something that might not be intended or real.
2
Joanne, its not just you and your partner. I am a Stanford educated, lawful immigrant of color from a Muslim country. In other words, I am a "fair game" for Red Necks and Confederates. We considered driving from New Jersey to Florida, but I refuse to take my family through the heart of the Confederacy.
3
It will seem more than just "mere" bullying if the Supreme Court decides to allow businesses to discriminate against gay people on the basis of religion. It will seem like a prelude to genocide.
2
Whiteville ??? Well, there's a clue. Now, I wonder just what has happened to make the haters and abusers crawl out from under their slimy rocks??? They seem gleeful, almost giddy in their little performances, as if they are seeking attention and applause. Like they are going to be in a video, on FOX " news". Thanks, GOP. YOU OWN HIM.
2018 is almost here. Get to work.
2
As a member of PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family allied with the LGBTQ community) I can only hope that more parents will come out of the closet and watch out for theirs and other parents' LGBTQ children. #YouAreLoved
1
Even here in rural southern Vermont, I am encountering unsavory groups of people from time to time. Recently, I stopped to buy gasoline and use an ATM at a small supermarket/gas station about 20 miles away. The parking lot was populated by numerous people who seemed to be neither going into,or coming out of, the store. In other words, they were just loitering. Two were hanging around the outdoor ATM machine. I used it anyway, and was given no trouble.
Many, if not most, small towns in southern Vermont have no local police. This can embolden people bent on no good. But here, whether you are out on the road, or in your home, you are pretty much on your own. Cell service is spotty, and if you called 911, nobody would show up for a half hour at least in most cases.
It is not surprising that many choose to carry a pocket pistol, keep a loaded gun in the home, or otherwise act to protect themselves. But our city friends, who live where a 911 call will summons three police cars within three minutes, see us as a danger to them.
5
The current political climate just exposed what has always been there simmering under the surface, but has now been unleashed as acceptable. I have lost faith that his country will ever find its way in its present configuration. Our only hope is to become 4 or 5 smaller countries. I'm a married gay man and I live in New York City. No place is safe now (the "bad" parts of the country are clouding everywhere else), which is why my husband and will be moving to Switzerland in a month with no plans to ever look back.
11
My daughter is almost 17, trying to figure things out for herself, meaning she is back and forth on gay and/or transgender, and learning to drive. We have travelled to Germany and Austria in the past year with no issues, actually feeling very welcomed. When we travel in upstate NY, our home state, there are often curious, and negative looks, which I will often use as a teaching moment.
While she has no intention to travel to less open minded parts of this country, I caution her to be mindful and aware of where she is and who is around her. Yes she has the "right" to travel freely the sad fact is that only one or two small minded people can ruin, or even end her life. So be prudent, plan, and be very thoughtful about where you are.
The sadder fact is that one of the smallest minded individuals in the country is POTUS, and while he might, and only might pay lip service to rights and freedoms of LBGTQ people, the reality is that the message has been communicated that at least for now and the next few tears they are fair game.
37
I'm not sure this is a LBTQ issue. Women traveling alone or in pairs are always vulnerable: that's part of our national conversation. If--to excuse the phrase--two beautiful women are traveling together, or alone a conventionally attractive woman is traveling alone, the risks are huge. Many of us, although not beauty queens, have spent a lifetime when traveling guarding against this: just the other night one of my daughters, who is in her late twenties, was stranded in an airport in the middle and had to make her way to an airport hotel, and--as she recounted it to me--she felt on her guard at every instant. I have spent a lifetime worrying about the safety of my daughters as they gain autonomy. So it may be that the guys in the trucks were just doing what men often do when they see women unaccompanied. I don't know what they saw, or what your partner 'looks like' of course. But the feeling of threat is one that is experienced by women across America, and around the world, every single day. A note to transgender women: welcome to the territory.
51
See comment from band. Your comment seems mean spirited to me. LGBTQ people do experience a deeper level of harassment. The author wish to express that, why doubt it?
1
True, when I used to go jogging or walking by myself I always felt threatened and vulnerable when men in cars slowed down and looked me over.
1
I am sorry if that is how you perceived the comment Of course LGBTQ experience harassment. I was underscoring that all women, everywhere, experience harassment, and that the writer's partner, who now identifirdas a woman, is going to experience that harassment. I doubt that if the writer's partner was male, that the cars would have followed them. I think that we veer into a territory that I'm not comfortable with when we value one person's pain over another person's pain. That does not negate the terrible fact, that trans children and teenagers, especially those of color, are perhaps the highest risk group in our society.
1
The author is sharing her experience and fear and feelings of vulnerability. It disturbs me that some readers feel a need to doubt her, pick the story apart, blame her for her feelings, and declare that such an incident is unrelated to being gay or female or transgender. How about showing some compassion and empathy? I suspect these commenters haven't experienced this kind of fear, but cant they listen to someone who has?
I occasionally have felt afraid as a woman walking or running alone and encountering a man on the street or in a car. I have found that when I tell my story to male friends they tend to doubt there was any danger and add that I shouldn't be out on the road alone. My female friends get it immediately and understand the fear and feelings of vulnerability and simply listen.
Why the doubt and not empathy?
80
You can have empathy for the fear while pointing out that in this case, the fear may have been entirely misguided. That's actually a kindness. Wouldn't it be better to know that perhaps nothing happened than to exist with the potentially misguided certainty that it did?
1
The writer's request for a LGBTQ travelers' guide evokes the history of The Green Book, a guide book of the Jim Crow era for African-American travelers and motorists to help them safely navigate segregated and racially dangerous places. How sad that discrimination and violent prejudice still exist in many forms and places. I would also note that my daughter and I had a very unsettling experience in rural Tennessee, seemingly based solely on our Northern license plate - we couldn't get out of that gas station fast enough. Hate takes many forms these days, thanks largely to the man in the Oval Office.
105
I used to stop for gas, lunch, etc., at smaller interchanges off interstates and to take scenic local roads. No more. The hostility from servers, other customers and other drivers to me, my New York accent and my northern license plates make me feel unsafe. I keep to the interstates, pack my lunches and stop for gas at large plazas.
14
Spot on - the man in the oval office certainly hasn't helped any minorities.
Gay guide books and travel agents catering to the gay community have been around for decades -- the internet and society killed them off (the need)
I understand the fear of this sort of prejudicial violence, because things have almost happened to me while travelling the highways too. Just being with a black friend in rural Utah will do it.
But if it's any comfort, LGBTQ people specifically have been treated worse by humanity in the past, the degree of worse escalating with every decade further back. And in many places today, gay people are killed as soon as they're discovered. I assume there must be some enlightened places, maybe Switzerland, where gay people aren't shown constant abuse by the general population, but there aren't many nations far ahead of America in this respect.
So it's getting better, and once this Trump thing is over with, it'll get better yet. Until then, maybe take the train instead of long drives, if you're gay and in a homophobic state. Or if it's a state like NC with loose gun control, maybe get a license to carry. Nothing wards off casual threats like a rifle slung over your shoulder.
Best of luck to all identifying themselves as LGBTQ in these Trumpish days, and really, I've found that if society isn't enforcing your civil rights, sometimes you have to enforce them yourself. That's kind of what the Second Amendment is all about, at base.
19
(1) That's NOT what the 2nd amendment is about, which is explicitly to enable formation of well regulated militias, not to put responsibility for law enforcement onto the individual victims!
(2) LGBTQ citizens are NOT on their own! It is the duty of each of us to speak out against abuse of others, whether it's civil rights issues, bullying, or any form of harassment.
Anti-LGBTQ behavior exists because it is tolerated. Mr. Trump's behavior isn't the reason; it's the emblem. As a society, we - especially people who aren't personally affected - must stop this by speaking up now.
1
Progress can go backwards easily enough. On the cusp of WWII, Germany was the most LGBT friendly country in the world. Sodomy was decriminalized, Berlin had a flourishing queer community, and there was an institute for the study of homosexuality headed by an openly gay man. A lot of the gay gentlemen ended up in concentration camps and when the Allies liberated those camps, those men were sent to prison. I don't think we're going to end up in that type of situation, but it's a case study of how progress was made, progress was blown up spectacularly, and progress was not restored after a regime change.
It's also a particularly painful time for me because I watched all this progress happen in a short period of time and now it's being stymied or undermined. Even marriage rights. SCOTUS just accepted a TX Supreme Court decision that same-sex spouses are not automatically entitled to spousal benefits. Basically they're saying we'll give you a piece of paper, but forget the rights behind it.
1
"extras on “Duck Dynasty” " - hate, stereotyping, and vilification goes both ways. I wonder what sort of hand gestures you would see with a Trump sticker on your car in San Francisco? Did you ever wonder if the extras on “Duck Dynasty” feel judged by your group? America has become the balkanized land of aggrieved victims of injustice on all sides and all of them are scrambling in a game of king of the mountain for the moral high ground. My group is more victimized than your group , That seems to be true for everyone now.
104
So this woman does not have the right to discuss her experiences because others are also subjects of discrimination? "Just shut up and suck it up" Is that what you're saying?
32
There is a big difference between someone with a trump sticker in SF and someone with a rainbow sticker in NC....the person with the rainbow sticker stands a far greater chance of getting brutally murdered in cold blood than the trump sticker driver.
You know that that is absurd. You are equating victims with those who persecute them.
There are no hate crimes against the Duck Dynasty crowd. Nor assaults by gay people on straights.
The plain fact is that there is a significant portion of the population who live in fear of being attacked in many places because of who they are.
Blaming all sides not only ignores the problem, but makes it worse.
1
I live in a town where any male that's not white could be pulled over at night, and quizzed about why they're here.
I didn't know this about my town when I moved here, until I started working at an organization that pulls in people from all over the world, and our people, driving home after a long day of work, were being stopped for "driving while non-white."
Within a month of Trump's election, I was stopped by a fake police officer. I didn't notice a car was following me, but I noticed that it parked so close behind my car I could barely see the windshield, and then I got a knock on my window.
This big burly white guy talked just like a police officer, and I tried to say something, and he cut me off, so I knew something didn't add up, so I waited until he finished his rant, and I asked the most pointed and important question:
"Are you a police officer?"
He admitted that he wasn't a police officer, and I already knew that, but then he went on to threaten me with his brother, who is a police office, and told me his brother was going to sit in my neighborhood and watch for me, and come after me.
The police chief feigned no knowledge of who this man could possibly be, but this is a small town, so we all know that the chief knew exactly who it was.
Hate and intolerance are growing, ushered in and being fed by the man in our highest office.
We need county by county security alerts, and what good people can do is admit, like I am, that my county needs to be on that list.
85
As a woman traveling alone, or even two non-gay women, we are always concerned about safety, too.
I don't have the freedom at all that a man does to roam. Do dudes understand how free they are? Peace and safe travels.
67
Next time take your road trip up north to Vermont and New Hampshire where most people and businesses are welcoming and really don’t care about who you love or travel with.
71
You did note that they were driving to their HOME from thee hours away, didn't you?
This is well intended, but not really appropriate advice. There should be no state, county, or town in this country where any citizen has cause to fear to travel. That is simply intolerable.
Several comments here associate the present climate of intolerance and empowerment of the intolerant and the bigoted with Donald Trump. He is, however, just one of the empowering agents. How often do "evangelicalist" church goers leave a sermon feeling they have been authorized in some way to discriminate against, to mock, or threaten, or to attack sexual minorities?
Bigotry antedates Donald Trump. He and his supporters have just inflamed and normalized it again.
How pathetic that some parts of this country are degenerating and devolving, just as so much progress has been made in recent years.
I blame Trump, and the hate-mongers who celebrate his crude insults and boorish behavior. They stoke pointless hatred for sport and political gain. What good are civil rights if they comprise a patchwork of 50 different states' laws and countless local regulations beyond that?
We are suddenly going backwards, a culture in which substantial percentages of our population simply rebel against modern life, egged on by phony "Christian" leaders who would make Elmer Gantry blush as they work the rubes for wealth and power over people's lives.
We need to fight this ominous trend to a draw, and then to a prolonged retreat back into the dank shadows where it has festered in disfavor, waiting for an opportunity to crawl back out into American life like a creature from the sewer.
Truth be told, America was never "great". It was built on genocide, appropriation of land, and slavery. Our modern history is replete with meddling in sovereign affairs all over the globe, much of which is kept out of mainstream history and journalism. Every bit of humanitarian progress in our national and state laws has come at a price, hard-fought but (so we thought) permanent steps forward.
We let our guard down at our peril.
67
As a dreaded white male who traveled across the country in the prime of his youth, I can tell you by experience that those who desire to harass you, will. It's a beautiful country but also a dangerous one, for everyone. If you drive late at night on vacant roads whether you are male, female, or LGBTQ, you are taking a risk. For the most part, aggressive violent males actually target other males the most, though that is not to say they will not target anyone else they find around.
46
Seeing as you've never driven anywhere while woman or Black, I'm not sure you can speak to the situation of being targeted for those things.
1
"As a dreaded white male" you have no idea how it feels to have to be onstantly on the alert in some parts of the country simply because you are "different," no matter what time of day it is or how crowded the roads.
It is simply dimwitted to think that the point made by this article is undercut by the possibility that that particular vehicle was not actually following the author and her partner. Their fear was reasonable, given verifiable and disproportionate attacks on women and members of minority groups of all sorts (religious, ethnic, racial). And no one should have to live with that kind of fear.
43
I agree that no one should have to live with that kind of fear, but the author did stereotype the people in the car, which would have added to her concern (and let’s be honest here: we all have the capacity to do that). It’s certainly possible she was in no danger at all, but her assumptions regarding these men caused the concerns she felt.
I see mocking doubt in the comments. Of course I cannot verify Ms Spataro's account, but I assure other readers based on what I've experienced in my 53 years as a gay man that her story is entirely plausible.
61
You sized up people at a gas station as Duck Dynasty types, with the implication that they must be intolerant and threatening. You then conclude that they were glaring at you.
An hour later, your partner concludes that you are being followed by a car because it happens to be going in the same direction as you. You then conclude that they must have been following you since the town where you stopped at a gas station.
You draw no positive conclusion from the fact that they eventually turn right and drive in a different direction when you come to a stop.
You then state that this kind of harassment is on the rise.
Respectfully, there is no evidence in your description of the incident that anything happened at all. Except that, quite possibly, your own assumptions and fears allowed you to project ominous intent onto quite ordinary events.
108
Your take on this is interesting. How would you parse this? I am mixed, but present as either Asian or Latina depending on the state I am in. I tend to forget I am not white.
On a recent trip to a local PA chain diner with my 5yo, we cheerfully asked for the breakfast bar, which we could see in the next room. We told that the breakfast bar only operated the following day by a white hostess and promptly seated. Not knowing the hours of said breakfast bar, we chose to order from the menu. The table next to us was full of white men and their wives who we could see making trips to the breakfast bar. When politely asked “excuse me, sir, is the breakfast bar still open?” and “I see that you have food from the bar, is it still open?” We were ignored-not even looked at-until after 3 attempts their wives rolled their eyes and finally said yes. We had intended to change our order since the 5yo likes the food from the bar. When we asked the waitress if we could change our order since the bar was open, she said it was too late.
When I confronted the waitress with the best possible manners and vocabulary I could muster in this moment, a new white couple was being seated next to us. They didn’t see the rest, but were apparently disgusted that I had been “mean” to a waitress because I was forced to buy something I didn’t want. They also got the breakfast bar.
Racism? Male deafness? Bad timing? Don’t contaminate our food, you non-white person? I live just outside a superzip.
In reply to loaf Chicago
Your comment is the best explanation of what happened to this couple.
Exactly.
It is not about L.G.B.T.Q. It is about being a woman traveling without a man. Period.
28
Not true.
Hate crimes against LBGTQs have risen, while crimes against straight women have remained about the same.
why would you need to stop for gas after only three hours on the road?
13
You miss the point entirely. Why should ANYONE feel threatened by having to stop at any place of business along a U.S. road for any reason? All kinds of people need pitstops after three hours of driving.
I do virtually all my traveling alone because I am a single woman. I'll be driving to Atlanta just next week. I get off the road at dusk because I don't see as well after dark, but no matter. I'm one minor mishap--tire damage, minor engine problem--from having to decide whether to open my car window to the nice guy who offers to help or to hope the AAA driver arrives soon--and is also a nice guy.
This is the kind of world the people described in this article live in. The United States has the capacity to be an exception to the rule that you must always fear the other. But this country lacks the humanity and will.
8
Go back to the football match.
1
And what were you wearing? Really, in that part of the world, weren't you kind of asking for it? (Sarcasm)
1
"This sort of harassment is on the rise."
What, exactly? They pulled into a gas station, didn't like how some people looked at them, and then freaked out because a car was behind them. If this is what rises to the level of harassment, it is no wonder that people don't take their concerns seriously.
65
I am people and I take their concerns seriously.
Money talks. States that pass anti-LGBTQ legislation or that fail to provide swift, condign punishment for hate crimes need to be strictly boycotted in EVERY way possible: investment and trade of all kinds, tourism, sports, cinema, theater... you name it.
19
I'm a straight white guy, and I have been harassed at gas stations for just wearing a pink hat. I can only imagine what others experience.
44
After my husband and I were thrown out of s hotel in TN for being gay (the owner yelled at us,"you people are a threat. Only legal threats made them repay the last 3 nights at a hotel that we had already prepaid) he made a list of states he wouldn't be visiting. Let's just say our trips are mostly out of the country now.
28
I had a group of young men in a huge matte black pickup truck screaming, swearing, and flipping the bird at me because of a Hillary bumper sticker on my car. It ws on I-90 early this fall ion a warm early evening in fairly heavy traffic on I-90 in upstate NY. The guys were weaving in and out of traffic and veering onto the shoulder in their mission to hang out of their windows flip the bird and scream MAGA stuff and swear words at me. I was driving completely normally and was confused about why these guys were so busy, first running up o my bumper in the right lane than pulling beside me whatever lane I was in. Why were they yelling at me? It was light. I go with the traffic speed and don't cut people off or tail gate. Why were they so angry? Why were they screaming at me and flipping me off? They were endangering everyone on the road with their lack of attention to the road and other drivers. Then I finally understood what their deal was. It was the Hillary bumper sticker, the only number sticker on my little Honda. It enraged them. I also finally pulled over after an on ramp where there was a wide shoulder, to let them get far away fro me. I was astounded. So much anger and hate.
71
My experiences on the road include comparably intimidating and threatening behavior throughout my adult life. When I was a grad student, colleagues and I were traveling along the 90 across NY State. I was at the wheel. We, who were in the car, were adult women who came from three different racial backgrounds. At the time, I had a bumper sticker that said, "Biology Is Not Destiny." Whether it was us as women, or as women of different races, or my bumper sticker, a car followed us for about 30 miles. It would speed up and nearly slam into us.
It would come into the lane next to us, keeping pace with my driving, veering close. It would go in front of us, slowing way down-- if I wasn't careful, I would have hit that car. We did not have cell phones. It was frightening. That was around 1980.
10
They were probably drunk. I've seen a line of people lined up at the local liquor store before it opened, because they have to have that first drink early.
I drove several hundred miles this summer with an opposite sex friend from Wisconsin to western Nebraska to view the eclipse. It never crossed my mind to be worried about being harrassed. We met a same sex couple who'd driven up from Colorado to view the eclipse. Apparently things got pretty ugly for them when they crossed the state line into Nebraska. Now I am a little less naive.
39
It's not only risky traveling, it's risky holding hands walking down the street in this tristate area with my husband. One never knows what will happen. When I see younger, perhaps braver LGBTQ people holding hands I worry about them.
It was only a few years ago a young man, Mark Carson, was shot and killed at 8th St and 6th Ave for being gay. And the perception of being gay resulted in the murder of Jose Sucuzhanay a few years ago.
To be gay is to be vigilant 24/7.
34
I am really irritated by all of the people commentating saying that this article is an exaggeration, that surely these women must have imagined that they were receiving dirty looks at the gas station and that they were later being followed. You were NOT there! Stop trying to explain that these events were a figment of their imagination, by the way that is called straightsplaining. I am sure that the author (like the rest of us and especially those belonging to repressed minorities) knows how to size up situations and attitudes of the people in them. For goodness sake, if they perceived that they were being leered at at the gas station, they probably were. I think in the end if you live in privilege, you might just not have a clue what the rest of people have to go through on a daily basis in the US. My aunts were terrified the day that they went to do the paperwork for their marriage in a southern state, and this fear was not based on imaginary events. All you have to do is google crimes against LGBT community and you will see the appalling statistics of crimes especially those of against of transgender women of color.
63
My thoughts exactly, thank you.
let me, as a gay man, gaysplain: the article, while addressing a real problem, uses a facile and fatuous anecdote where the author engages in stereotyping these "duck dynasty" look alikes. apparently us NYT readers, black and white, gay and straight, can all nod our heads knowing that these men are racist, misogynistic, and homophobic. terrible article for such an important subject.
2
"See her and try to size her up?" So much of the discrimination against LGBT are imagined perceptions caused by racist stereotypes against country folk.
23
Happy talk about 'country folk' is like Archer Daniels Midland lobbying to help the 'American Family Farmer'.
Country is where Trump folk cluster. The Pro-Trump, pro-gun, pro-Nazi, super patriot Americans who believe they are THE super patriots. Believe they're appointed by...somebody...to purify the nation and keep the bloodlines flowing free until needed to refresh the tree of liberty.
Country folk is not a synonym for warm, wholesome, welcoming or generous anymore. Particularly in bigoted hell holes like North Carolina. Or my own willfully poor and under-educated Ohio.
Born among country folk and, because I'm a straight white man, pretty safe. But you can't miss the talk and the rabble-rousing and the incitation of a select few, nor the audience they regularly attract.
Not all 'country folk' are bigots or mean or even Republican. But this is where such folks concentrate, and where they make the big kerplunk that turns into a social tidal wave.
These people believe giving their treasure to the already-ungodly-rich is some sort of juju for good fortune, a stout bulwark against the encroachment of an evil outside.
Don't even suggest that 'outside' has surpassed us in personal well-being or education, economic opportunity, and health care; they're even better than us where it really counts: faster, cheaper internet and cell service.
1
No. That's really not true. That's your opinion, and in states where there are harsh laws and officials who speak out against LGBTQ people, many people who live there feel as though they have the right to harass others.
I refer you to Lisa from Spain's posting immediately above.
I don't doubt for a minute that real cases of prejudice-based harassment and even occasionally violence do befall members of various minority groups travelling through rural parts of the country, though as others have pointed out I think these incidents are statistically rarer than they may feel to the author.
In rural areas and small towns, people sometimes stare at outsiders simply because they are used to recognizing most of the people they see on a daily basis- I think it is often novelty/curiosity that is registering on the faces of those who stare, not malice. Add to this the fact that many of us have a mental image of white supremacists and violent rednecks which bears an uncanny resemblance to the average rural Joe, and it can feel like you are in the opening scene of Mississippi Burning everywhere you go in Dixie.
For those of us used to city life, there is an internalized norm of not staring at passersby -of "minding your own business." In the city staring or making prolonged eye-contact can make others nervous or invite trouble. The social norms are different in rural places, where strangers aren't a constant part of life.
My point is just that I think city dwellers can read too much into the looks they get when in far-flung parts of the country. If you are already afraid of being mistreated or judged, it will seem to you like everyone around you is doing just that, when in fact most are just rubbernecking.
18
During morning hours in New Orleans, total strangers of all races are apt to greet each other with "Good Morning" or "Mornin'".
Try that in Manhattan.
Thank you. It’s really sad and scary such folks are still around. My immediate thought was, how is it, knowing all of these issues, that you didn’t have a full tank of gas before embarking?
8
Blaming the victim, are we?
"though as others have pointed out I think these incidents are statistically rarer than they may feel to the author. "
How rare is rare enough to suit you? Would 100 per year be rare enough? A dozen?
To the victim, the incident they suffered is one too many.
This encounter, assuming no coincidence with the high beams, lane changes, and highway exit, probably had to do more with their being women. I'm a homosexual male. I'll never refer to myself as L.G.B.T.Q., which sounds worse than nails on a chalkboard. I live rural and cross the country without fear. I'm also fit and strong, which helps. The greatest risk of a violent hate crime, though, is in urban areas, because of the statistics of large populations.
I agree that we need to assume some responsibility protecting ourselves. I recommend mastering Muay Thai over having a gun. But being paranoid will do nothing but drive you crazy.
10
If you truly believe that you're being followed and have a cellphone, call the police. I have, when witnessing threatening, drunken, dangerous behavior on the roads and highways while traveling; it works. They have always responded, and quickly.
If you don't have a cellphone, drive to a public area or anywhere with a number of people around.
As to the suggestions some have made about carrying loaded firearms: don't. When on the roads away from your own or a reciprocal state, it's probably not legal. You run the risk of arrest for "brandishing", for posession, or having it stolen.
Finally, you are, after all, driving a ton and a half automobile, itself a powerful weapon.
9
It's really sad, but I suppose not surprising, to see so many comments making light of what the author describes. I suppose these same commenters would make light of what happened to a girlfriend many years ago...while she was driving on an interstate she was boxed in front, rear, & passing lane by three 18-wheelers. They didn't try to run her off the road, or tailgate, or slam on their brakes...but they refused to change positions at all. After a number of miles an exit appeared & my friend got off the highway & the trucks continued on. I suppose the truckers were just joking w/her, or just coincidentally all driving in those exact positions...it certainly couldn't be that they were threatening her. /sarcasm
16
My wife, an unmistakably Hispanic woman, and I, a white male, can relate to this column. Until our retirements last year she was a university English professor and I was a probation officer. There isn’t space here to recount the very real prejudice we’ve encountered during the 40 years we’ve been together, ranging from being refused service in a restaurant bordering an interstate highway in Louisiana to being followed around as we shopped for groceries in Kansas.
We’re not thin-skinned, we’ve always understood persons in relationships such as ours will encounter prejudice. But it is fatuously disingenuous to claim racism, homophobia, and misogyny aren’t still daily realities in America. Worse yet, our present administration has emboldened those who preach and practice their hate-filled ignorance.
50
as a queer black woman who grew up in and returned to the south to work, this resonates painfully. at 55, i am old enough to remember when my family could not use bathrooms at gas stations. keep in mind, that was the 1969s. i know the feeling and the fear of hearing a comment said low or the piercing stares. for decades there was the motorist’s green book, a guide for african americans. in my 20s as a newly-out lesbian i relied on damron’s places of interest to women, a lesbian guide. these guides are about survival.
84
Come visit Massachusetts. We don't care what flag you carry as long as it comes in bright colors and is shaped like an arc.
But seriously, whatever happened to live and let live?
13
News flash: there are bigots in Massachusetts, too.
I believe south Boston is in Massachusetts where my mixed race daughter was just denied entry into a pub and actually told it was because she wasn't white. There's no safe place anymore.
When I read the comments for this article I expected to find a community of reasonable people engaging in intelligent discourse. Instead I found stunningly misogynistic and homophobic responses suggesting the couple should have removed any evidence of their identity in order to travel safely as strangers in a strange land. This in itself may have been good advice; however, the real message to this couple was that it was their own fault for openly being themselves in a supposedly free country. How many Trump voters have been admonished to remove their pro-Trump bumper stickers when visiting New England for a fall color tour?
Had this column appeared in certain less-than-free countries, some respondents might have suggested these women should not have been driving automobiles at all, or they should have averted their eyes, or perhaps they should have been wearing burkas to hide their faces in order to avoid conflict from onlookers unaccustomed and/or hostile to their existence.
Commenters complaining about the "Duck Dynasty" comment have no ground to stand on. Living organisms have innate survival mechanisms that quickly stereotype behavioral patterns in order to identify and respond to threats without having to risk slowing the response process by sorting out details. Taking time to carefully calculate a reasoned conclusion could be deadly. There are few places where anyone would be threatened for sporting a bumper sticker that reads "Heteros for Humanity."
30
Thank you. And it speaks volumes that your comment has garnered a handful of approvals while what amounts to the virtual hate speech of numerous posters has gotten well over 75. Clearly this piece is attracting haters like moths to a flame. Can they honestly be NYTs readers? Paying subscribers? A bit of journalistic digging on this and other Times story might be illuminating.
1
"Commenters complaining about the "Duck Dynasty" comment have no ground to stand on. Living organisms have innate survival mechanisms that quickly stereotype behavioral patterns in order to identify and respond to threats without having to risk slowing the response process by sorting out details. "
Tell me, do you think Jesse Jackson's comment:
“There is nothing more painful to me at this stage in my life than to walk down the street and hear footsteps... then turn around and see somebody white and feel relieved.”
Is racist?
The intellectual inconsistencies of the left are breathtaking.
Keep trusting your instincts. Just having out of state plates is often enough to get you extra negative attention on the interstate system.
20
This is 2 stories in 1. The statistics Spataro reports are appalling, and likely linked to the Trump effect. But most of the article isn't about them, so we can't drill down (sometimes, for example, statistics like these increase because people are more comfortable reporting). The other story is about Spataro's travels. It's incomplete. Many times I've thought someone was following me, when it was just coincidence. One of the most common human attribution errors is to believe people are thinking about you, when they're just dealing with themselves. Of course there may be details not mentioned.
But there's a 3rd issue. Travelling isn't always easy, because the world isn't homogeneous. Thirty years ago few people even knew the word 'transgender.' Twenty years ago a majority in the US, and other developed countries, didn't approve of gay marriage. That's changed, but not everywhere at the same pace. We can't expect universal transformation. Places left behind, economically and culturally, will lag politically. As frustrating as they may be, they're part of our country, and the human condition.
8
What about simply treating people as you would want to be treated? Surely, this edict transcends time and space.
I think there are rural and inner city areas of this country, isolated pockets, where anyone who is an unknown is under threat. Ignorance and violence are the issues, not the definition of who the victim represents. It can be any vulnerable person who becomes the target for aggressive or violent behavior. There are people in America who are hateful and evil and who prey on the rest of us. That is all I see in this story. The LGBTQ community may feel particularly set upon, and in some places that may be true, but it is true also for the rest of us. It is why we have so many levels of policing in this country (local, county, state, federal, private); to keep the peace.
2
.
Yes. My recommendation is to avoid Trumpkin States and/or counties like the plague. Maps can be obtained on google.
5
In years past, my son, a Marine officer, ALWAYS wore his uniform when he travelled by car in the South.
It did not change who he is.
It most assuredly changed how he was perceived and treated by others.
21
I am an elderly white woman. I often travel from state to state with another woman friend. I do not fit into an L.G.B.T.Q. category. I have never felt like my life was in danger or I was being followed when it was just the two of us in a car. I would most likely not even suspect two women traveling together in a car to be L.G.B.T.Q.
I even once toured the south with a black couple (from Africa) in my car. The only place we experienced discrimination was at the restaurant inside the Mammoth Cave National Park. They did not want to seat us. There were plenty of seats. I insisted. There was only one other party seated there. We had to wait for menus, we had to wait for our orders to be taken, we had to wait for the meal to be served. We were never asked (once the meal was served) if we needed anything, if we wanted more coffee or if we wanted dessert. We were stared at. It was unpleasant, but I guess I was just too dumb to think we were being threatened or that our lives might be endangered. It was obvious that management did not want us there. And we stayed overnight two nights at the lodge (in the same room). We visited rural areas of the south and outside of the federal park, we were never harassed.
7
As a member of a queer couple, one of whom is trans, often taking long car trips has concerned me not only for the ‘otherness’ of our appearance, but the general paranoia I feel about potentially needing medical attention if we were to have an emergency. In fact I keep the fear of this a secret from my partner and simply fein disinterest in travel. We all have our often personal reasons why the 45 election was a kick in the gut, and losing ground in the struggle for tolerance was huge for me. It impacts travel both international and domestic and also where we have chosen to live, which I also consider a tax on our lives that seemed worth it.
17
I am sorry that you had to experience such hate. I am astounded at the number of respondents who have no sympathy for what you went through during your travels. I suspect that many of those who accused you of paranoia have been privileged enough to have never experienced hatred based on who they are.
In 1992, I drove my ex across country from California to Baltimore for a two-year research position at Johns Hopkins. While neither of us would have been considered butch, we were too androgynous to be mistaken for sisters - it would have been fairly clear to most folks that we were a same gender couple long before being LGBTQ had been decriminalized in most parts of the country. There were several times when we entered and then immediately left restaurants where it was clear we were not welcome. It does not take overt expressions of hostility to know one is not safe - pointed stares, silence, and negative energy are enough.
Since Trump was elected, I have experienced an increase in hostile, homophobic comments online; I have friends who live in more conservative areas of the country who have experienced increased verbal harassment and physical threats. One does not need to be threatened with murder to feel unsafe or relegated to second class status.
Again, I am sorry both for your initial experience and for the meanness of so many of the comments you have received in response to telling your story.
43
The lack of basic civility in society has led to danger traveling across the country for all people. The interstate systems are safe wherever you go. It is worse now that the GOP, not just the president but the entire party, has given cover to bigotry.
12
It is important that one fit in when in strange surroundings. This goes for everyone.
1
How would you recommend "one" do that when you are a minority?
3
Why? How does how I look hurt another?
1
What did the author and her partner do that did not fit in? Drive a car, stop to get gas? Reads like a quotidian, not-out-of the ordinary, every person experience to me.
Joanne,
I'm sorry to see all the dismissive comments here, the ones that try to undermine, minimize, detract from, and/or gaslight your concerns or your awareness that you were being followed. This attitude is a part of the continuum of backlash against the "me too" phenomenon-- as if, since something never happened to them, it can't possibly have happened to you, even though it's your actual, lived experience.
I think we should always trust our fear instincts. And I don't care one bit about your stereotyping the "Duck Dynasty" people. They represent one group in society, you and your girlfriend represent another, and we know which group has the greater capacity of threat and likelihood to do harm. It's not your obligation to give them a chance, when the risks, as you've pointed out, are so great. They can take the risk to be open-minded; they have less to lose.
28
"It's not your obligation to give them a chance, when the risks, as you've pointed out, are so great."
When the risks are high and safety is a valid concern then I'm not going to blame anyone for stereotyping either. Just remember that reasoning has to be true for all groups or none at all.
I am grateful for Ms. Spataro sharing her experience, and what it must have felt like to be followed and harassed for several minutes (miles?) on the freeway. It is funny to me, how people try to equate her description of "Duck Dynasty" types as the "same time of stereotyping" that she and her partner face. What?! Are you KIDDING ME? Of course, it is not the same, not by a long shot. This demonstrates how tone deaf people are to the experiences and stories of minorities and peoples of color. Yes, my dears, the government does have a role to play: for one, education. If more people were educated about the LGBT community, they would not find us objects of fear, or eerie interest, or feel entitled to wag a limp wrist at someone on the road. We are just human beings, and want to be able to pump our gas, buy a burger, and travel the roads just like everybody else--without having to worry someone might terrorize us because of what we look like, or who we are dating.
16
We retired to Spain two years ago. A relatively small village on the Costa Blanca. We travel a lot in Spain. As a gay, elderly, married male couple, we have never experienced any discrimination of any kind in Spain.
I was born in Texas. We have no plans of ever returning there, nor to the South. The atmosphere in the USA appears to have become even worse than before we left in many areas.
15
Lots of comments here in the vein of “all drivers matter.”
When every single individual in the LGBT community can share multiple examples of this sort of thing, my only takeaway from that sort of reaction is that a large part of the population is willfully trying to minimize or deny our experiences, or, in same cases, wish us worse.
But of course I must be overreacting.
93
When you report conclusively on the experiences of every single member of a significant percentage of the worlds population based on nothing more than truthiness, you might be overreacting. Or just wrong.
1
No - not 'all drivers..." just a general and over-riding fatigue about the scramble to reach the summit of the pantheon of victimhood
I sometimes wonder why individuals must espouse or advertise ORIENTATION, or even NO ORIENTATION (it does occur).
We live in a world where, for many, orientation IS their ENTIRE IDENTITY and preoccupies them to the exclusion of much else.
39
It's part of the extreme self obsession and self indulgence that has gripped the US in the past generation or two. It's the same with tattoos, another sign of self promotion and self focus. The vast majority of people in this world are scrambling every day to feed their children and provide a decent future for them. No one cares about your bedroom habits and what you want to have inked on your skin.
9
I don't think it is a conscious choice as you are implying. And why should it need to be hidden, anyway? Do we or do we not live in a "free country"? You're kind of blaming the victims here.
10
@srwdm: Did you read the article? These two actively sought to _avoid_ attracting attention, and still were subjected to threatening harassment.
Anyway, do you think people should only be treated in a civilized manner if they conceal who they are? Should gays have to pass for straight? Should Jews have to pass for Catholic? Should blacks have to pass for white?
3
"I saw a group of people who could have been extras on 'Duck Dynasty' gathered by two pickup trucks. I could feel them glaring at us."
How is this not stereotyping in the same way that the author complains about being stereotyped and victimized because of the way she and he girlfriend appear? I was not there, but the story doesn't have me convinced that this wasn't an incident that was as much in their heads as anything else.
I don't doubt, at all, that LGBTQ people are subject to harassment and violence due to their sexual orientation. But the example provided here seems a thin one. And, I'm sorry, but a county-by-county guide for LGBTQ travelers? What good is that going to do except make vulnerable folks feel even more afraid? The government, much as we might like, can't fix everything.
I don't have the answer to discrimination. I haven't walked a mile in Ms. Spataro's or Lara's shoes. I don't know how to fix folks whose ignorance and prejudice is horrifying. But, if you want to see real violence on public thoroughfares, try long distance bicycle touring, or even riding across town. You'll hear enough screamed insults, have enough trash thrown at you, put up with enough horns blaring and say enough prayers as motorists in four-ton cars decide it's cool to play chicken with someone on a 24-pound bicycle to last you several lifetimes. That's been going on for as long as there have been cars and bicycles, and no one has figured out a way to deal with that, either.
185
Mr. West...See my response to Drawde. Your comment an example of people believing what they choose to believe.
The fact of the matter is that tons of research demonstrates that society's attitudes are changing for the better. Just because something has been true in the past doesn't mean that it won't change in the future.
13
I married my husband in 1974. He's black, I'm white. When we needed to travel south of Washington D. C., right or wrong, stereotyping became our #1 protective mechanism. We were adept at knowing who was likely to present imminent danger to us. We especially avoided young and middle aged white men. If they were drinking we'd we were doubly careful. Sad to say, not much has changed.
12
What is different? They were a GROUP AND they followed them.
1
Come visit Canada. We’re far from perfect but most of us would love to have you come up for a stay. A tourist dollar is a tourist dollar, regardless of who has it in their mitts.
69
No decent human being will tolerate intolerance of the private preferences of other human beings: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/news/gay-bashing/
I must be missing something in this article. If two women are travelling together cross country how would complete strangers know that they were LGBTQ? Keep the pride flags off your car and no one will know or care.
173
It´s complicated. Two women traveling together who obviously aren´t blood relations, may set off some peoples´radar. Plus, we often dress somewhat differently. And our body language is subtly different, that´s something instinctive. Perhaps L women traveling in the unfamiliar sticks, should wear dresses and heels? All this said, I´ve always thought I´d probably run into trouble anyway in a culturally different environment like rural America, since I´ve been raised and schooled in Northern Europe and have a basic expectation of having equal status to men.
19
But I gather from your comment that if they do know at least some will "care" - caring here meaning taking negative action of some kind. Guess that's all right with some in the land of free speech. Just the usual Animal Farm: All are equal, but some are more equal than others.
5
Or we could all put pride stickers on all of our cars, in support, and people would get more used to seeing them.
8
Please feel free to migrate anywhere near the Boston area. Just be polite and reasonably productive and nobody will care who are. As a bonus, a strong education system, almost universal health care, sensible gun laws and a healthy economy. Maybe all those things are related.
146
New England is beautiful. But the Boston area? Unaffordable housing and Massachussetts taxes.
4
Cannot confirm. Lived in the Boston area for many years. "Above the neck" people spoke liberal diversity. "Below the neck" it was apartheid in all it's glory. Racial busing battles in the most liberal of liberal suburbs were intense, although conducted in P.C. code. Maybe it has changed. Hope springs eternal, it is a nice area.
Polite? While driving? In the Boston area? Come on!
1
It is depressing that The Bible Belt has not figured-out the meaning of The Garden of Eden. God should start charging the haters land tax fees, since they don't follow the rule of Human Rights.
27
God doesn't tax; he/she (?) is a libertarian.
Many of the people I know who drive long distances carry a loaded firearm and know how to use it responsibly.
There are threats of all kinds that can happen to anyone, and not limited to LGBTQ people. Anyone who travels in areas where you feel threatened should consider carrying a loaded firearm. If you're LGBTQ, don't think you're singled out simply due to being LGBTQ.
There are several carjackings every day in Chicago. Chicago is an alphabet friendly city. If you're LGBTQ in Chicago and get carjacked, I'll guarantee it isn't because you're LGBTQ.
Crimes happen to everybody. This article is pretty dramatic. Why am I not surprised that the author is "working on a memoir"? I think some of the "memoirs" will contain a few embellishments and might more properly be placed in the fiction section.
60
Age 75, never owned, carried, or wished I had a firearm.
Guns are a greater hazard to the owners than to anyone else.
3
Yep, Civiliazation (read civil behavior) has already apparently peaked here in America, and has now indeed degraded into the wild west of the olden days, where nobody is really safe without guns (or even with them, actually). Hope it doesn't continue getting worse and end up like Road Warrior.
4
I was going to suggest the same thing. It is no crime to arm yourself when you have a reasonable fear for your life or safety. I don't carry because one look at me and a creep would move on. If you are justifiably frightened, the picture is different.
Ms. Carlisle, I think you may have provided some good advice.
3
CCW
9
People who have never had a bad experience in their lives, do not know how easy it is to see muggers in every shadow. All it takes is once.
47
Reminds me of folks "driving Black" in the South in the early 1960s: Had to plan routes carefully to avoid some places; plan bathroom and food and gas brakes to correspond to "colored" amenities. Local police were not there to protect you, but to enforce segregation laws. To the extent that those fears have been relegated to the history books is due almost entirely to federal law. We need federal civil rights law to envelop everyone in civil society.
135
Larry: Some blacks still face "driving Black" problems, probably many actually.
1
Except nothing of the sort happened here.
Nobody was following the two women. Nobody harassed them. Nobody refused to sell them gasoline or Cheetos. Nobody refused to rent a motel room to them.
Nobody so much as looked sideways at them, except in their imagination -- fevered by years of watching shows like "Duck Dynasty" or old films like "Deliverance".
NOTHING HAPPENED.
2
This reminds me of the recent opinion piece by the cat-hating woman who lamented she would die alone. The author and her friend had a three-hour drive to make, and they chose to leave in the late evening. Of course, people should be able to travel the roads after dark without fear, but as the saying goes, 'nothing good happens after midnight.' If it was also a Friday or Saturday night, you naturally have a greater number of intoxicated people on the roads. I want to suggest that under those circumstances, an elderly couple, or even a single male could become objects of interest to those interested in making trouble. Make your journey in broad daylight and you'll have nothing to fear is what I would tell this young couple.
30
28 transgender individuals have been murdered this year. Some by family or friends, some by police, some by strangers, many in broad daylight. Broad daylight does not protect individuals from actions fueled by prejudice and hatred.
10
Maybe stop telling people how to live their lives?
In another world.
We moved to florida last year, Tarpon Springs. Nice house. Neither neighbor talked to us in two months. Then I was sleeping at the pool heard what BIG AL, the board president said: That's how it starts. First they send the girls in, then the men." The homophobia was shared community wide and shunning had occurred. That night, i told my husband and we moved selling the house at a 10k loss. We moved to a loving community in Cape Coral and are very happy. the happy omen was a woman in her 70s with bright purple hair riding her bicycle.
73
As my wife and I get ready to travel to SC to visit her family, this essay is a critical reminder. Thank you!
43
This whole thing sounds made up. Someone was "following" you for an hour. Uh maybe they were going in the same direction. I don't like to drive at night and often will follow a car. And if it changes lanes figure there is something in the road which is why they changed lanes.
131
P.S. And if I had I dollar for everytime I or someone else accidently had the high beams on or when a car (with what I suspect was an intoxicated driver or older driver like me who does not see well at night) was "following" me I would be rich.
4
Ummmm. Well, when I was a teen, we used to follow people for fun sometimes. We called it "harmonizing". That said, you're probably right about the hour bit. Next time I advise the author and her friend to log the time using a quality stopwatch and a dedicated notebook: "Creeps begin following 20:45:27.19. Turned onto hwy17 @ 21:17:46.73, entered time in log. Stopped at 21:32:22.27. Creeps in truck continued on." That way, we're not making unlikely claims in editorial articles.
but the point is:
1) even if this was simply a misapprehension it signals a fear that is real (consider the frequency with which people of colour are killed in the USA when they are travelling)
2) why assume that your expectation that there is no danger (which is what your comment suggests) is not a mark of the lack of danger but instead a mark of your privilege to travel in the USA without the expectation of harassment or murder?
10
Let's call out bullying or threatening behavior against LBGTQ people by recording and publicizing these bad actors. We have seen how personal testimonials by women and cell phone videos of police brutality have focused national attention and nudged the national will to do better. Perhaps a quick upload to a friendly website could also alert kindrid spirts in the area who might be able to help, document and deter bad acts. An app with "Alerts near me" could make it accessible for caring neighbors to document and stand up for respect and civility for all people in our country.
15
It is definitely getting to be a complicated world. Long gone apparently are the simple days of just flats and overheated radiators. Perhaps this is why I prefer to stay home. I doubt if life is ever going to be fair with us in it.
6
In those "simple days" black people and LGBTQs were in even greater danger of being harassed, attacked, and killed.
Funny, I feel uncomfortable riding a subway in NYC. Often, somebody is staring at me. I think they might rob me. Or assault me. I never stand too close to the track when in a station because they might push me. It must be because of who I am and what I represent.
43
So you once got scared that someone was following you... and it turned out they posed no threat to you at all and you have no evidence at all that you were followed. So now it's a national crisis?
I also want to put the 29% rise in single-bias incident reports into context. I clicked on the link you provided. There have been 36 total homicides based on HIV and LGBTQ status so far this year. I haven't taken a math class in a few years, but I believe that means that there have been about 10 more such crimes this year than last. To be clear, obviously, any one of such crimes is a travesty. Consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want to do in the privacy of their own bedrooms. But does an increase of 10 total LGBTQ murders from last year, in a nation of some 350 million people, mean anything? Is that statistically significant? Is 36 the number of these murders that happens every year, or does that number often change year-by-year and it simply happened to increase this year, as may be consistent with past trends? The same can be said for hate crimes- are there actually more hate crimes? Or are more reported now that people are looking more in the age of Trump?
In summary, all hate crimes are despicable. But you do not make any kind of convincing case that more hate crimes occur because of Trump.
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I am so glad you pointed out the new Age of Aquarius that is the Trump era, now everybody is one big happy family again.
4
And yet, as a gay man, I can tell you my experience is that the advent of the maniac in the WH has emboldened haters of all sorts. So yes, to you last paragraph, just yes. And I would venture to guess that not one of the 71 people recommending this post is LGBTQ,
1
Yeah, nothing Trump has said or done could possibly be encouraging hate crimes.
/s
I am a cisgender female with a non-cisgender spouse. Immediately after the 2016 election, I noticed a dramatic difference in the public behavior towards my trans partner and our friends. Gone were the open curiosity, high-fives and compliments from strangers. In its place were glares, sneers, laughter and whispers. The difference was stunning, frightening, unkind and depressing. Some people acted as if they now had a license to be hateful.
I have may friends who are Trump supporters (I live in AZ) and I know firsthand that not all Trump supporters behave so egregiously. The hate that was subdued in many people over the previous 8 years has been emboldened during the Trump reign. And our travels have shown us it is far more common in states that gave their electoral votes to Trump.
We have gone backwards so rapidly and forcefully that I fear it will take ages to recover our humanity as a nation. Essays such as Ms. Spataro's are essential to that recovery. Thank you.
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Why would Trump's election have the slightest thing to do with transgender acceptance? Trump was nothing but friendly to LGBQT, including waving a rainbow flag and telling Caitlin Jenner that "he could use any bathroom in Trump Tower that he wished".
Trump has no personal history whatsoever of anti-LGBQT animus.
That people would change towards you abruptly, on one day in November 2016, does not seem credible.
I face discrimination as a gay man daily at work in Washington, DC, which voted heavily for HRC. This discrimination is not exclusive to then"hinterlands."
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"...But until then, the only people who are going to save us is ourselves."
And this is different how? That's why people support the 2nd Amendment.
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1. The second amendment can be interpreted many ways. Believing everyone should be allowed to carry a handgun in their car is not supporting the second amendment; it's supporting one reading of what the second amendment says.
2. There is a clear, strong correlation between guns per Capitan a gun deaths per capita, whether you look country by country or state by state.
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There are only two ways to read the 2nd amendment: the right way and the wrong way. Your glove compartment is not a militia.
5
Ummm - getting into a shootout with a bunch of gun totin' country types that can shoot the eye out of a gopher at 300 yards seems like a bad idea.
4
"Because such incidents often involve interstate travel, there is a role for the federal government to play, as well as state and local authorities. "
"Such incidents" was a limp wrist out the passenger window of a passing car. Yeah, we really need the federal government as well as state and local authorities to get involved. What if the riders in the offending car had flipped them off? Get the U.N. involved?
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For many in the queer community, limp wrists out car windows are a cruel way of bringing up past traumas. For many people of color, racial slurs or racially charged gestures bring up past trauma. In both cases, the act itself poses no physical danger. In both cases, the act taps into a history of oppression and violence that cannot be understated.
1
Yes, wait until someone drives you off the road into a ditch and ties you up and shoots you before you start complaining!
2
Behavior like this are indicators and precursors to other more harmful violence.
Example: https://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2017/09/spd-hate-crime-unit-reviewing... .
1
Does castle doctrine or 'stand your ground' come into play? Let's see - armed LGBTQ people freely exercising their rights to travel and defend their person when they feel their life might be threatened. Likewise for minorities. I think the laws might then have to be changed or else people would have to start respecting each other much much better.
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What would have happened here, then, was an innocent motorist would have been killed. The author was not attacked!
1
As a hetero male I want to help. Is there something I can do (maybe a car sticker?) which might display to anyone who needs to know that I am safe and can be trusted if someone needs help or an ally when threatened?
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Andrew, I am unsure whether you're genuine or sarcastic in your comments but assuming the former. Your bringing up "ally" strikes on something important. Whether the threat the author wrote about was real or perceived, it isn't baseless - that fear possibly grounded at least in part in the belief that there were few allies in the parts where she and her girlfriend were traveling. That is not to say allies of LGBTQ persons and other groups don't exist in places like where the women were traveling but the immediate inference gathered from things like, media about bathroom laws, election result maps and ... history ... easily say otherwise.
To those who've advised the author to not travel to certain parts ... in her own country?! Is preposterous, completely saddening and while "wise" only confirms there are parts of country that are heartily intolerant even to the point of harassment and murder.
Privileged is the commenter who is indeed free to travel about the country unburdened by the fear of being harmed because of how they look or who they love.
Fear, yes, is a choice. But take a look at history. At least acknowledge it. As the author provided statistics on hate crime, that fear while not experienced by many who've commented on here, is not unfounded. Your allies are many. Increasingly, for others it appears they are not.
Rainbow stickers could help, or draw unwanted attention to you, if people are being rude. Perhaps a sticker for Lambda Legal fund, or the HRC.
These women do not need your help. They want to be able to live their lives without being harassed, threatened or erased.
If only we investigated and addressed the threats reported by the southern poverty law center as seriously as we do Islamic terrorism. How sad that certain parts of our country still remain a threat to the LGBT community and people of color.
Sadly we still cater to and condone prejudice against those who are different. We must protect our religious right to teach our children to hate people based on their sexual orientation.
23
There have been half a dozen columns lately by former Evangelicals who want to leave the judgment and discrimination that have come to characterize ardent Trump followers who call themselves by that label. As this soul searching goes on I am hopeful that increasingly the word Christian will mean acceptance of and protection for the LGBTQ community.
17
Fat chance. The basis of that sect is discrimination and hypocrisy.
1
It's often difficult to distinguish between when one is being paranoid and when one is being harassed. There is no doubt in my mind that it does happen, and having bumper stickers which announce your political or sexual identity entails risk. I have bumper stickers that advertise my Libral political and agnostic philosophical orientation. At least a couple of times, I have been unambiguously harassed and even threatened by work people or other drivers. Unfortunately, it goes with the polarized and intolerant society we have in the U.S. Frankly, I think it would be taking needless risks to travel in deep red territory advertising that you are not a member of their tribe. On the other hand, I have seen people with Republican bumper stickers get harassed in blue territory. It can cut both ways, though more red on blue, IMO.
9
That's why I never put bumper stickers on any of my vehicles -- not pro or con, not political and certainly not religious.
I have never understood why people think a car bumper is an ideal place to advertise their political views.
The article says, “Hate crimes against L.G.B.T.Q. people went up 20 percent in 2016 in nine metropolitan areas.” A closer look reveals that there were 1037 hate crime incidents in those nine major metropolitan areas. The population of these areas is many millions of people. The reality is that your chances of experiencing a hate crime are low, especially compared to other risks. Consider that in 2016 in Chicago, just one of the nine metro areas studied, there were 4,300 people shot (most survived).
The article says one L.G.B.T.Q person is murdered each week. Keep in mind that there is some kind of murder somewhere in the U.S. every 30 minutes. I saw a statistic today that 26 transgender people have been murdered in the U.S. this year. That is terrible. But it is a small fraction (.0026%) of the million or so transgender adults in the U.S. If you kept track of the number of, say, elderly people, or left-handed people, or vegans who have been murdered, you might just as easily be able to make a case that these groups are being targeted.
I am reminded of FDR's statement about how we have nothing to fear but fear itself. If we retreat into our houses, lock our doors and windows, and cower in fear, then we have let the relatively small and weak forces of evil win. Dare to turn off “Duck Dynasty.” Turn off your TV, one of the biggest sources of fear. Go outside. Smell the flowers. Meet your neighbors. You may find that there is a big beautiful world out there.
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If only one LGBTQ person is murdered each week, this shows LGBTQ people fare much better than most other demographic groups.
Gallup data suggests 4% of the population identify as LGBTQ. That means 13 million people. Murder rate for this demographic is therefore 52/13million = 1 in 250000.
murder rate for the nation as a whole is 5.3/100000 = 13 in 250000. Moreover, this figure is well known to be slanted heavily towards heterosexual males.
You are more likely to get murdered as a heterosexual male, than as a LGBTQ.
2
You and Dan both iss the point in a major way.
It's not just that transgender people are murdered, but that they are murdered because they are transgender.
That puts them at more of a risk than say, left-handed people, who are not vicimized because of who they are, or which hand they favor.
2
Educational. I was going to tell you to not live in fear and live your lives normally thinking that things had settled down with respect to violence against the LGBTQ community, but then I just read the NYT article from last year, "L.G.B.T. People Are More Likely to Be Targets of Hate Crimes
Than Any Other Minority Group" By HAEYOUN PARK and IARYNA MYKHYALYSHYN JUNE 16, 2016, and it was actually startling.
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/06/16/us/hate-crimes-against-lg...
I recommend that people read that - has some easy to read graphs that show the risks pretty clearly for various minority groups. I would have guessed that black folks still were the top targets, but Jewish people were highest in an earlier period and now LGBTQ folks top the list, so being black and in that group actually is a high risk.
There are still some pretty backwards folks in NC but also many, many who are not. Shocks me to this day; not sure why. Stay safe.
17
So basically...Jewish people are at much higher risk than lesbians or gays.
I am Jewish, though perhaps I don't look particularly "ethnic". I have traveled all over the USA, including the South and Southwest, in big towns and tiny hamlets, and on the interstates and on "blue highways" and I have never, ever experienced any discrimination. Rude people, sure. Unfriendly natives, once in a while. Mostly people mind their own business. Generally most folks are friendly once you give them a chance.
NOTE: a lot of liberals in big blue cities have weird, very prejudicial beliefs about "those awful deplorables in flyover country" -- and usually, they have never set foot in the places they make fun of, nor met any of the "Duck Dynasty" types that they think are so inferior.
I'm having trouble following the events from the time you said that
a. you got out to pump gas while
b. Lara remained in the car.
c. Then you got into the passenger seat and fell asleep?
Did you both sit up front in the passenger seat? I'm quite serious if anyone can answer.
20
If my wife is driving, then I am sitting in the passenger seat. And I will usually pump the gas, especially if it's raining or snowing.
Is that so hard to understand?
1
Not sure what you are having the problem with. You think that the driver of the car is always the person who pumps the gas? Imagine:
Lara was driving, and pulled the car into the gas station where the author got out from the passenger seat, and pumped the gas. Lara, stayed put in the car, in the driver's seat. The author finishes pumping the gas, and gets back into the passenger seat, and Lara drives off (still occupying the driver's seat). Author then falls asleep (in passenger seat).
The End.
8
a. Are you assuming a person pumping gas can't be a passenger?
b. Lara remained in the driver's seat.
c. After pumping gas, she returned to her previous position on the passenger side.
3
I'm scratching my head at this essay, unsure what the point of it is exactly other than what most of us already know based on common sense.
I took walks in Midtown Manhattan at 2 or 3AM to battle insomnia but I wouldn't dare do the same in South Central Los Angeles. I travel freely to Paris, France and catch up with old friends. But I wouldn't purchase a ticket to Tehran, Iran while being the holder of a US passport. I can navigate any freeway within Los Angeles to find my back home, but I wouldn't hike into a forest without a map or friends who know better.
My point is, the world is dangerous for different reasons to different people. Our sense of safety and common sense simply tells us to avoid those spots and not to venture there. We don't contact the NYT to bemoan our situation and submit an essay about how we're disenfranchised because we know it's not a white or black issue, and it's a not a straight vs. gay issue. It's a human issue so let's not make it anything more than that.
54
Sorry but you cannot compare an American visiting Tehran Iran to an American traveling through the rural areas of their own country. Even your point of not being about to visit South Central LA doesn't compare, that is just a neighborhood! What the authors are talking about are vast swaths of the country, the parts that one must travel through to get from one place to another. Should they never leave their city? That is ridiculous! Shouldn't we try to make these parts safe and inclusive for all of our citizens? Shouldn't we fight against the hate being stoked there by the current president?
3
You're saying that people should just accept the hate and neither comment nor complain about it.
You also seem unaware that LGBTQs are more at risk than straight people simply because of who they are.
Would you have said the same to black people during the days when lynchings were relatively common?
2
That's actually how black people feel still today in 2017 while traveling thru parts of the south, part of this country is actively attempting to regress back to the 1950s, still driven primarily by fear. While the rest of us is trying to move forward into a better future for all, but they will never understand that and we certainly can't understand them.
28
Every year we drive to Florida and back on vacation. We travel through a variety of Southern States -- we take different routes, so it isn't the same precise trip each time. We go through Alabama, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, etc.
I see lots of black drivers. Some are locals, given their license plates. Some are tourists. Some are alone, but most are in family groups or appear to be spouses.
They all look relaxed, safe and happy to me. Do you honestly know black people who are too afraid to drive through the South? Or anyone who has tried this, but received bigoted treatment -- refused service at a gas station or restaurant? in 2017 or recently? I say this because since the 60s, any such denial of service based on race would be grounds for a lawsuit.
Joanne, I was just talking to two friends of friends last night; they're Asian American, and one was saying that she felt the same way you did when they were driving across Montana.
She also added that I probably wouldn't have the same experience, since I'm white. She didn't realize that she was talking with someone in a minority group as well.
It does not feel safe to be out and proud across our country these days. And it must not feel safe to be a member of any minority group--traveling or otherwise.
Sending you and Lara best wishes.
85
Sorry but this is a confusing comment. Is there some reason why Asian American people would feel unsafe driving across Montana? I've driven across Montana, and mostly it is just empty, beautiful, and a little lonely. Is there some rash of anti-Asian violence in Montana that I don't know about? Sometimes the real prejudice comes from city people who stereotype rural people ("the cast f Duck Dynasty") as being eager to engage in bigoted violence.
1
However, unless you're visibly queer (being trans, not cis, etc.) you really will just be the treated as anyone else. Asian people are still at the end of the day not white, and thus will be treated as such regardless. You can't equate sexuality without race, they're entirely separate entities.
If your acquaintance doesn't know that you're gay, why would strangers on the road know?
Given what's happening now in America I'm glad I never bothered to really let any of my coworkers at any job know I'm a lesbian. What I don't understand is my sexuality is of concern to anyone but me or my selected confidants. I don't see why, if transgender person gets out of a car or is anywhere in public and behaving appropriately, someone feels the need to threaten them. What I do understand however, is that in America, unless one is a rich white male with the correct accomplishments, any other white male can come along and make you miserable, harass you, or even kill you.
Welcome to the White Supremacist United States courtesy of Donald Trump and the GOP. Working to make white males in America great.
211
"What I do understand however, is that in America, unless one is a rich white male with the correct accomplishments, any other white male can come along and make you miserable, harass you, or even kill you." This sentence is rather stupid. How would a harasser know anything about such a person other "white". Does anyone track your bank balances and other signs of wealth; accomplishments--who knows, especially at a highway service station; male--I know transgender people who look and dress their chosen roles. Its all about what you choose to show the world.
MAGA: Misogynists Are Governing America
As a financially secure white male I get more than a little tired of being stereotyped myself. A consistent theme throughout this readers comments is that somehow every problem in the world is a result of the existence of rich - whatever that means - white makes. Absurd.
Your essay brought back the memory of my introduction to this subject as an outsider. It makes for a happier anecdote than your account, but an honest one in itself.
This was long before -- think LONG before -- the beginning of L.G.B.T.Q. awareness, especially for such a small child as I was. It was a beautiful midsummer day. Our family was on a trip up the Outer Banks of North Carolina, and the car had gone off on one of those soft shoulders you'll remember so well. My father had more than he could manage alone.
A car passed and stopped just ahead of ours. Out hopped two vigorous young women who had clearly sized up the situation and knew what was to be done. It struck me that they were both kind of like men, and one especially so. A brisk word or two with my father, some judicious car-management and hearty pushing, and soon we were back on the road. Then, not waiting for more words of thanks than they could hear over their shoulders, the women hopped back into their car and tooled away. The last mental picture that stays with me is the Ohio license plate.
Pieces of memory have fallen out of that childhood episode over the years, while pieces of understanding have perhaps fallen into place. However that may be, I'm glad it was there in my mental background when changing times brought new opportunities for me to appreciate the variety of human experience.
143
It's not just travel plans. It's LIVING plans, too.
Where can we live where our neighbors will be welcoming?
Where making friends will be easier, rather than a struggle?
Where can we live that will be safe from police harassment?
Where can we live where our relationship will be recognized in assisted living?
Where it will be honored in a nursing home?
We go through lists of places that have legislated against us.
We mark them off the possibilities, usually with regret.
Where can we go to live out our lives in peace?
A few years ago, I would have answered, "America."
Now... not so sure.
238
Yes, I agree. My daughter who is 17 and 4th generation American is giving serious consideration to Western European or Canada. We are both leaning German and are nearing competency so that really opens up a lot more of Europe esp obviously the German speaking countries but also the Netherlands and Denver as they seem to have a more open minded, sensitive approach to all.
I am hoping more for Canada as I am in my 50s so emigration is really not an option for me, but living in NY going to Toronto or Montreal, or southern Ontario is a lot easier for visiting.
1
Good grief, California is full of places where people could care less about your personal life.
As welcoming as Canada is, it's not that easy to just up and move here. Hopefully your daughter has in demand skills or advanced education to help her in the process.
& if she does move to this country, what she'll find.
Sexual Orientation is protected in our Charter of Rights (since the 1980"s)
Same sex marriage, legal in 2003.
Universal health care.
Politicians who leave their religion where it belongs, at home & in their places of worship.
I could go on, but the vast majority of Canadians are proud of the diversity of our country and the progress we've made.
1
This story seems a little overheated, possibly by repeated experiences of genuine hostility.
But what happened? A car "followed" the author (meaning the car was behind them and changed lanes when they did) and had its high beams on. But when they pulled off, the car turned right and "sped away." Was it possible that the people in this other car were legitimately going somewhere that just happened to track our witnesses? How many other cars were on the road? Was this a big interstate highway? If so, surely there were many other cars. The other driver wasn't a very determined assailant, since he turned and went another direction. Perhaps this is a good thing; perhaps he was never aware of the author at all.
I am a woman and I often travel alone, and I know how easy it is to become frightened. But it would be better I think if we all didn't frighten ourselves over incidents that might be harmless. I don't think pulling off the highway was a good idea if the other driver had hostile intentions; if I were genuinely frightened, whether for good reason or not, I might try to locate law enforcement. Someone who is this terrified by the incident described might try to avoid driving at night altogether.
258
I think quibbling about how 'legitimate' the author's feeling of intimidation was isn't productive.
What sort of proof would you require that the driver was being threatening?
I trust Spataro's own perception, and I don't need to qualify her sense of threat by asserting 'perhaps' she just got it wrong.
17
The author says that they were being followed for over an hour and just so happened to track their movements and then also just so happened to pull off when they did? You're imploring them to be reasonable, but you're not exactly do so yourself. I would argue, too, that pulling off the highway was probably a good idea. If you're on the freeway, there's lots of ways a person could interfere with your driving -- cutting you off, pushing you into another car, etc. etc. Better to slow down and get your bearings and potentially outmaneuver someone.
The law enforcement advice has merit though, for sure, although I think you're being a little flippant with the scariness of the incident. Someone driving aggressively around you, especially in a big truck, is scary even if they aren't targeting you specifically. My condolences to the author and her partner and best wishes.
28
Nice gaslighting. I am also a woman who drives alone and this has NEVER happened to me. If it did, I would identify it for what is was. People KNOW when they are being followed.
25
I live in Boise,Idaho, which is a very progressive and delightful city to live in, where LGBTQ people feel welcomed and empowered. But drive 30 miles out into Idaho, aka "Mississippi with Mountains," and we are confronted by a much narrower, GOP view of the world. As much as I love our beautiful scenery, many of those who populate it seem right our of the film, "Deliverance."
273
Cheers, from 83716! Totally agree.
1
Interesting article. If I was being followed the police would be called on my cell phone or go to a police station. Perhaps in some areas this would happen, but in most two females driving together would not even be noticed. Go to large gas stations by the internet, not something out in the sticks.
34
Why should they have to go to large gas stations by the interstate? That's not always where the sights are or the vacation spot you want to get away to. Why should people who are not straight have to hide themselves or take special precautions when they are not the threat?
94
Many people are understandably fearful of involving the police in any part of their lives, even in threatening situations like the one described.
21
How would they know if they can even trust the police in some areas?
13
I am reminded of the Green Book (I may not have the title exactly right) for black and brown people and mixed couples. Green Book listed safe places to stop for the night esp. cross-country from the South to California.
187
" The Negro Motorist Green Book ". Fascinating, and extremely useful at the time. Now, a great peek at the way we were. And hopefully will never be again. Or, maybe the internet could provide the same service, updated.
2
the green book mostly went away after the passage of the civil rights act of 1964 with the authors thinking it wouldn't be needed anymore. sadly they might have been premature with the ending of the guide just as we were premature with the gutting of the voting rights act. The arguments we hear against LGBTQ rights are nearly identical to those we heard 50 years ago against racial equality.
1
You got it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Negro_Motorist_Green_Book
My husband and I are always cognizant of the fact that how we are treated in the San Francisco Bay Area is not the same as elsewhere. There are certain places to which we would never travel, either domestically or internationally, because of blatant hatred towards the LGBTQ community. I agree with this writer that at the end of the day, sadly, we can't count on anyone but ourselves to keep us safe from discrimination or violence.
322
I lived in the City for 30 plus years as a gay man. And yes you are not treated the same elsewhere, not even in the Bay Area. Count your blessings of acceptance and hope, that in some point in time, this blatant hatred towards the LGBTQ community will be only a distant memory.
6