The UK study where men are more comfortable confiding in other men is just sociologically and emotionally false. First, 30 men is a tiny sociological sample size. Absolutely minuscule. Ask a couple thousand men in America if they would rather cuddle with their girlfriend or the best male friend, and I would say upwards of eighty or ninety percent would rather cuddle with their girlfriend.
Allow me a personal anecdote about touch. As a Catholic, I hand out communion during church. When someone is not Catholic or doesn't want to receive communion, they put their hands cross over their chest. When they come up to me, I put my hand on their shoulder and say "God bless you." And that's that. Recently, however, the church has been advising us to not touch people at all during communion. I thought it was odd they were training the eucharistic ministers to not touch an occasional person lightly on the shoulder. Why, as a society, are we becoming so isolated when it comes to touch?
As a believer in physical touch, I ignored this direction to avoid physical contact. When blessing people at the last mass, however, I found people pulling away and spending two sometimes three feet away. Not only is the system becoming more touch averse, but the people as well!
10
I still wonder how even this article can be used as a swipe at President Trump. Sad!
2
There was research done on rhesus monkeys, separated from one and other and kept isolated so they could not touch or groom each other. The results were stunning. The monkeys were severely affected mentally. They could not stand not being touched or being able to touch. Essentially, they went insane from being deprived of touching. I am so fortunate and grateful that I grew up in a household where touching was a natural part of our day. My parents were extremely affectionate people, not only to each other but to their children. My sisters and I (there were six girls, no brothers) were always hugging one and other, holding hands and walking arm in arm, thanks. their example of showing physical attention and affection. I wish my children were affectionate with each other but they are not and it makes me sad. I have two sons and it would be a rare day if I saw them reach out for a hearty hug. But...that's what the story is about, right? Men not being able to connect through touch. I do hope a lot often will read this beautiful and very important story and will think about how important it is to reach out and touch somebody as often as possible.
8
When my father-in-law passed away he left his wife of 63 yrs. They were the perfect love story. Being incredibly dense I did not realize what she had lost, or worse yet, what she needed. My son-in-law upon meeting her immediately walked across the room, sat beside her, put his arm around her and held her hand. She melted into him. It was...touching!
21
I teach high school in a small town in one of those curious counties that shifted from blue to red in 2016. Overall, the boys are very affectionate with each other--and without any reprisal from their peers. In fact, no one bats an eye. They will sit very close to each other, massage each other, and hug freely. Let's hope that their behavior is part of a larger generational shift in the right direction.
15
Slightly off-point, but I find it ironic that we famously germphobic Americans greet one another with a handshake -- by far and away more likely to spread pathogens than a hug or those little cheek-kissies the French do.
4
Having gronw up in Bolivia, am used to shaking hands on a daily basis, and freely hugging friends, men and women, as a matter of course. Human touch is the most noble and natural way to communicate and feel at one with our fellow human beings. Here in these United States, we seem afraid of touching, ever suspicious of possible ulterior motives, a true poverty of feelings, a sad detachment of the richness of being comfortable with each other. I suspect this starts from infancy, worsening by the day now, as we replace a hug and dedicated personal attention by a smart phone and a TV program as replacement of the real thing. The prospects look abysmal, especially when we deny being sexual beings in need of social outlets for self-expression and solidarity. This is pertinent to everybody, but I agree it seems more pertinent for us men, lost in limbo in regards to 'touch'. Even afraid, in this time of reckoning, women telling us that the abusive macho style behavior is over. I wish.
6
Please identify Dr. Tiffany Field as a NURSE. She is a world-renowned nurse-researcher in the area of massage therapy, an independent nursing intervention.
4
Take that up with Dr. Field, who identifies herself on the Institute's page as a PhD but not as a nurse.
2
@KM, not mutually exclusive - there are PhDs in Nursing Science. The distinction made when a nurse says "nurse not a doctor" is RN/APRN not MD rather than RN/APRN not PhD.
However, it doesn't appear that any of her training is in nursing (psychology, OT, and psychology) though her research has obvious implications for nursing.
1
I was looking at some old pictures recently and came across some of my father-in-law with some of his army buddies back in WWII. They were draped all over each other and I thought it odd and, frankly, suspect in terms of his sexuality, which was solidly hetero to my knowledge, and nothing in his life history would indicate otherwise. I decided it must have been a different culture back then, and apparently it was.
9
Tough, life threatening experience such as a war brings people togehter.
5
Kudos for reaching for your father's hand. As a physician I touch everyone I meet in the course of a work day, particularly the elders. Non-sexual touch is part and parcel of the comfort we provide each other. Holding a hand, reaching for a shoulder or forearm, stroking the hair or face of the agitated or dying are more effective than medications.
24
In other cultures, men will often walk hand in hand. When I was in Iraq with the Army, I lived with nine Iraqi soldiers. At first, I was put off by hand holding and sitting close together on the couch watching Lebanese music videos and soccer matches while smoking hookah. Americans definitely have a need for personal space and at first this lack of personal space was a culture shock. Soon, it became fairly normal for me. To this day, I count that as one of the formative experiences of my young adulthood. This cultural perception and experience also came in handy when I was in Afghanistan and the men at district meetings sat even closer together. People in those cultures seem more connected to each other. There should be studies done to see if lack of touch contributes to the rates of mental illness in the United States. I read a few years ago that there are professional snugglers available for hire in New York City. Paying another human being for what should come naturally is sad, an outgrowth of our rugged individualism. If you love your male friends, hold their hands.
12
@JM Hopkins Lack of touch and emotional connection (repression) contributes highly to depression, anxiety, mood disorders, etc. Very regrettable that something that should be natural is being tried to be cure with psychiatric meds. From own experience.
3
I'm struck that that this is a particularly important need among men who "are overwhelmingly male, straight, educated, divorced and in their early 50s".
I know a number of 50-something, educated men who are divorced or have failing marriages. They all complain about being frozen out by their wives - the lack of touch is killing them. I have sympathy but only up to a point - many of these same men have been selfish and untrustworthy spouses. Who wants to touch or share a bed with that?
7
So they deserve it because men are bad people?
6
Dear "sister": Don't miss any opportunity to take a swipe at those bad, bad males of Homo sapiens,
1
I think of the film Frankie and Johnny where Pacino pays a prostitute to hug him while he falls asleep.
It is hard to be older when spouse, siblings and parents are all gone. A quick hug of greeting just doesn't do that much. I miss touch every day of my life.
10
I recently flew on a middle eastern airline on a very long flight and my fellow passengers were many members of a large Arab engineering society going to a conference. These men were up in the aisles, seeking out their friends, gabbing together in groups, often laughing and warmly hugging. The handshakes seemed like sincere expressions of friendship. These guys behaved more like a group of warm American women. It was interesting!
11
mother will tell you, some babies are cuddly, and others are not. What grandmother of old did not say, make extra efforts to touch.
3
Yes, it's too bad America has taken this strange turn toward less touching. I remember working as a camp counselor in the States for six and seven year old kids and being warned I must not touch them! It felt so odd to comfort a child with words when what they really needed was hugs. I'm so happy my children were reared in Hungary, where a hug from a teacher through most of elementary school and even in high school if its too comfort someone is perfectly commonplace and natural. Boys here too, however, are less inclined to touch as they get older but the girls touch far more than in the States, and while I won't say clickieshness doesn't happen here, I've rarely seen it reach the cruel extremes it can in the States (I taught in a Hungarian high school for ten years). I wonder if the touching among girls doesn't improve their relationships with each other and create greater camaraderie. It certainly appears that way. As for male touching I wonder if studies have been done on how it affects the well- being of men in, say. Korea. I just returned from Japan and langauge wasn't the only way to distinguish Korean tourists from the Japanese locals. The Korean boys and men tended to touch much, much more, noctieably so. Actually the Japanese men don't seem to touch at all. Americans would be quite comfortable in Japan.
8
Other commenters to this essay have mentioned that male friends often hold hands in India, but they are hardly the only ones. Hand holding among male friends and acquaintances is traditional in Arab countries as well. Strolling hand in with colleagues was something to which I accustomed myself during my Peace Corps service in Morocco.
6
Part of the problem is that men's emotional lives and expression aren't validated. When two women hug it is considered an expression of something called "friendship" and is considered normal and a good thing. When two men do the same it is considered an expression of something called "bromance" and is mocked, by women and men both.
Shouldn't the hug mean the same thing, regardless of who is involved?
21
Beautifully written and so on the mark. I encourage my husband to continue his few very close male friendships, which is clearly a wellspring of contentment for him (and them.) There is sharing of emotional and physical closeness which obviously heals his soul.
12
Some of these comments are interesting, while others stray from the topic in discussion: the article is about caring touch between men, not the inarguably huge problem of men harassing women with unwanted touching/assault. The article is about men touching other men. In a non-hitty, non-creepy way. From some of the comments, it is clear that the author is onto something in pointing out how taboo the underlying issues are for people.
For me, the article seems to highlight that it is important for men to be able to RECEIVE touch, not just go around touching people willy-nilly as they please. Again, the readers who are bringing Dominance Studies in their readings of the article might be missing the point somewhat - there seems to be a real health benefit to receiving kind, intimate touch. Although I never like to rely on a biologically essentialist argument, it does seem that the human animal requires physical affection. Which has been studied and proven countless times at this point.
I'm a gay man, so I have my own thoughts on the topic as it pertains to any kind of Gay Panic. I'm also incredibly lucky in that I had a very affectionate father, and (straight, even!) male friends that are very openly affectionate with me, and I with them. But in all cases, these were and are men that had decided to drop a lot of the macho cowboy nonsense as described in the article. They are happier in their lives because of it.
14
The book mentioned in the eighth paragraph does not exist. The link given is to an article called "Bosom Buddies: A Photo History of Male Affection," on the website www.artofmanliness.com. The photos referred to in the Times article and shown in the linked article are from the book "Picturing Men: A Century of Male Relationships in Everyday American Photography" by John Ibson.
2
The author is wrong. “No homo!” doesn’t mean, “I’m afraid of physical intimacy with other men.” It means the only thing worse than being a woman is being a man who behaves like a woman. Let’s be clear about who first and foremost suffers from this attitude.
5
What silliness. "No homo" is a way younger hetero men half-jokingly shield themselves from suspicion of homosexuality when they compliment or touch another man. "He's a good looking guy - no homo!" It has nothing to do with wanting to avoid the appearance of behaving like a woman.
14
Lots of comments here from "I simply must tell you about my vacation" types on how marvelously uninhibited men in certain other cultures are about touching each other. Couldn't help but notice that these cultures are also among the world's most machismo- and homophobia-ridden. Please advise.
14
I guess I'm the outlier on this issue. As a woman, I am hugged all the time, by acquaintances I barely know as well as complete strangers. To me, a hug expresses affection, and although I may have cordial feelings for some of these folks I don't have affection for them - I don't know them well enough. So this embarrasses me, since it seems hypocritical.
Touching also implies familiarity, so when someone with whom you aren't familiar hugs you, it conveys a status imbalance. As a matter of course, most people would not hug the Queen of England or massage the shoulders of the Chancellor of Germany, or even put their arms around their boss at work.
4
As an Emotionally Focused Psychotherapist whose practice if founded on Attachment Theory, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this article which so resonates with the loss I feel in many of my male clients, and by relationship in many of my female clients. If men were given this gift of nurturant touch as children, I do believe it would go a long way to undoing the toxic effects of the Patriarchy, the pernicous force lurking at the base of all the cases of unwanted sexual advance on women. Thank you, Thank you!
8
I would be interested in knowing whether petting or grooming a domestic animal satisfies the need for touch. I know that people with pets have been found to benefit from them but I wonder how much of that is due to physical contact with the animal.
11
I'm surprised you have to ask, considering the dual meanings of the verb "pet" as it applies to animals and people. There is nothing more therapeutic than a lapful of purring cat....if you like cats. Currently petless, I seek out a "fur fix" any time I can.
5
Is it weird that when I am away from my pets for long periods of time I often feel compelled to buy a cuddly stuffed animal to have under my hand as I fall asleep at night?
3
As a licensed massage therapist, this article covers no new territory for me. I don't know if the confusing mindset regarding touch goes back to the Puritanical foundation in our country or what but many people have issues with touch. Many people erroneously equate touch with sex. I applaud the author for having the courage to follow his heart in touch. Maybe it will empower others to do the same.
14
Thank you for this article. Men need touch, support and affection from other men. This does not have to be sexual. Men need to discover their own emotional life, and nurturance. Women are chasing the jobs. Men need to discover their own emotional value, and relationships. Getting past traditional roles is not just for women. Instead of only focusing on money, let's all support men in developing a stronger sense of emotional well-being!
3
I hate being hugged. It feels like the person doing it is crushing me or squeezing the life out of me. To each his own but ask before.
6
Are you a man or woman, STR?
1
My mother was born and raised in Europe and came to the US as a young adult. She was influenced deeply by the Catholic Church and, after each of her children reached the age of around seven, she stopped touching us. She never said "I love you". Her American children had to teach her to hug and say "I love you" when we became adults. Our American father was absent, leaving her to raise us.
My wife, with two American parents, both craves and fears my touch. She craves for touch as any person might, but fears that any touch from me might be sexual, and is vigilantly suspicious of my intentions.
I have tried various forms of non-sexual touch, which she does not trust, and, lately, very little touch, none initiated by me. That seems to make her less anxious, even as she wonders why I don't touch her much. Discussing it is dangerous because it might suggest that something is wrong.
My point? Human relationships are complicated and no amount of longing for the affection we project onto the children or adults of other more touching cultures will make it any easier. Counseling can help, but we need a combination of practice, patience and guidance to move past our individual and cultural wounds. Some people aren't much interested in that, as it is too hard, like doing math or learning another language. If only we could just blame our culture of indifference to touch for our sense of loss. It goes much deeper.
12
"When faced with stressors, they tend to turn cowboy, growing stoic, emotionally withdrawn and, too often, isolated"
when i went through three major life changes over the past 12 months i've reached out to various close people (women and men) only to find that no one wanted to really support me through talk or touch. i don't know that the problem is men not seeking help, but not receiving it
9
Somehow I think this is more about American WASP culture than only about straight men. As an Italian man comfortable with embracing as a greeting for loved ones, it always struck me with comedic pity how stiffly and uncomfortably my WASPy inlaws greet my hugs. I've persisted and now they even seem to enjoy coming to me for a warm embrace when we greet, whereas WASPy family members typically go up close to greet then back off without touching. Truly, they seem conflicted, wanting to but warm physical affection seems out of reach for them.
3
How odd to read a piece on touch that does not address the findings of research about the power dynamics of touch and who touches whom. Research shows that touch is an indicator of power relationships, that the powerful feel free to touch the less powerful and not vice versa. And so adults touch children, teachers touch children, men touch women, employers touch employees, coaches touch players; those who hold socially superior positions touch those perceived to be inferior.
Touching offer the toucher a way to establish and convey dominance. "When touch is uninvited and non-reciprocal, it becomes both a violation and a status indicator. The higher status individual has the social right to breach the spatial boundaries of the lower ranked." Power, Dominance and Nonverbal Behavior, Ellyson & Dovidio.
Being by nature hierarchical and into dominance displays, males understand that one who initiates touching holds the power and the dominant position. And this explains why males are averse to the touch of other males. Each wants to be the dominator and to be touched indicates that he is the dominated. This is also the dynamic in unwanted touching of females by males: the males are signifying that they are dominant and superior and have the right to manhandle females, whom they perceive to be inferior and basically subhuman.
5
It is not only about power - it is also about openness. The person with more status may feel more secure in their position, allowing them to reach out. That does not mean the are trying to dominate everybody, they may want to connect.
4
My god Earthling, I feel sorry for you, if this is the way you interpret life.
11
Dear Earthling, not in everything is there a sinister meaning.
3
American male culture is profoundly pathological when it comes to physical touch. On the one hand, the culture is informed by a sexually repressed religion that see the body as evil and women as inferior temptresses of men; on the other hand, there is the Playboy porn & hookup culture that views women as objects to be exploited for male sexual titillation and gratification.
Many women recoil from male touch, because they have never experienced male touch that was not meant to dominate or be a prelude to sex, rape or other violence. Many children, boys and girls, have known the violence of male touch and have no trust of male touch, nor any desire for it. This male writer is able to say that male touch is "free, widely available and lacking in harmful side effects," because he does not even bother considering the amount of sexual violence men do to women and children. To a female, male touch is rarely free: it means the man wants something, usually access to her body, and signified domination and sexual aggression.
A Groper-in-Chief occupies the Oval Office, a man who brags about grabbing women's genitalia and imposing unwanted slobby kisses on them. White men overwhelmingly voted for the Groper, signifying their approval of his antediluvian view of women ad the use of touch to signify dominance and supremacy.
Women would prefer men keep their hands to themselves, or unleash their physically aggressive touch on men instead.
21
I have known the violence of Female touch. When I was small, my aunt molested me for years.
1/3 of child sex abuse victims are boys, according to feminist writer Naomi Wolf. 40% of those boys (and 15% of girl victims) are attacked by women.
That means that about 1 on 5 child sex abusers are women.
Let's not forget them, or their victims.
4
What exactly happened to you to hate white men in such a generalized and unfair way? I've seen some of your other comments--that all men are dishonest, want to murder and rape, etc.
If something bad happened to you, please do your best to project your rage towards those who are responsible. I haven't done anything to you. What you are doing is making white men reciprocate your anger indiscriminately.
It's the anger created through falsely-assigned blame and indiscriminate hate towards white males from third wave feminists that spawned Trump-supporters in the first place. That anger towards feminists was necessary to elect Trump. The initial hateful comments towards the white males however were not necessary. It's ultimately destructive to the feminist movement to attack men in such a generalize manner.
10
This article is about creating another kind of touch. You may have something to learn here.
8
I was traveling in Southern India this past spring when, from the back of a car, I noticed two men, well-dressed Sikhs, holding hands. I saw it in Northern India in New Delhi, too. I learned from colleagues there that it is common for men to hold hands in friendship - and it has nothing to do with their orientation. It’s amazing how we view touch through the prism of our own cultural experience.
11
Speaking for myself, of course -
I am an extremely affectionate person. I love hand holding, hugs, cuddlin', being close. But with women only, and I'm not talking about sex.
The problem I have is that every person who has ever hit me, choked me, bullied me or hurt me has been male.
You'll pardon me if I don't move in for a hug.
7
This article is trying to create something better
1
So if the only people who hit me in grade school were black, I have a right to racist? Or does that just work if the logic is used against men?
2
This is yet another Times op-ed whose worth is multiplied considerably by the quality of the reader comments.
7
I recently sat in a coffee shop and watched with envy as a dog leashed outside stoicly endured several strange hands petting him.
Why are so much more comfortable with animals than with each other? Why is it acceptable to go around petting strange dogs but not other people? We could all use it. How can we start a trend of human petting?
10
Dogs get affectionate pets because dogs are not likely to rape or murder us, and because dogs are honest and loyal and affectionate and decent. The same cannot be said of human males. Dogs will not call us the b-word or other sexualized slurs, dogs will not underpay us or tell us we are inferior hormonal creatures. Dogs treat women far better than men treat women.
15
It's only nominally acceptable to go around petting strange dogs. If the dog's owner doesn't like it, you'll get yelled at. If the dog doesn't like it, you'll get bit. I think it's likely unacceptable to pet people you don't know because touch from strangers tends to have the exact opposite effect that this article discusses, at least for many people. Even in countries where affection is the norm, affection for a complete stranger who isn't asking for it is still considered harassment or assault. If you'd like to make it acceptable to pet or stroke your friends, I'd say all you really need to do is ask. I'd bet many of them would be quite happy to give or receive the occasional pat, back rub, or stroke of the hair. Particularly if they knew, coming from you, absolutely nothing untoward was intended by it. Unknown intentions behind the touches of strangers make them particularly unnerving for many people.
1
I approach touch by first asking permission, believing this demonstrates respect for all beings, while assuming physical privilege and access to other beings can be a kind of violence. As a teacher of dance, I always ask before touching a student while I've witnessed colleagues assume that privilege and permission. If I come along a dog I'd like to meet, I ask the owner first. If no owner is present then no petting, just a hello and a blown kiss or two. My desire to touch should not eclipse the independence and preferences of others.
1
Could someone sneak into the Congress and the White House with oxytocin? We'd all be a whole lot safer.
7
Human touch, for being the social, and sexual, animals we are, is very powerful indeed. Too bad we men have lost our feminine side in the joy of a gentle touch, given that feelings are really what fill our emotional needs to be recognized and feel accepted as part of the tribe. Nothing more basic that that, and nothing more satisfying. That some of it is explainable by a hormonal drive (oxytocin) is of comfort, but it does not even start defining our pleasure in bonding. Sad to say, those of us who may have been starved from affection as youngsters, may disrupt societal needs indefinitely; how could we give and share something we don't have?
3
Indians can teach us a lot about the healing power of touch, not just about yoga and traditional medicine.
Everyday, hundreds of millions of straight men and women hug and touch each other affectionately. Poor as it may be, India has more happier people than entire populations of western countries, primarily because if its way of life focused on the importance of social interactions involving overt displays of intimacy.
On the other hand, western social interactions are primarily aimed at one of two things: how to make more money, or how to get the most desirable life partner. A distant third is, how to be healthy, which is primarily focused on physical well being. Anything beyond that is considered either awkward, weird, or a waste of time.
While westerners might look at Indians nonsexually hanging over each other's shoulders and ask "What's wrong with them?" it is about time to flip the question on its head and humbly ask ourselves, "What's wrong with us?"
12
Thank-you for this very important piece. My family was largely against public displays of affection, including the home public until later in life. Then we became more physically demonstrative and more loving towards each other. There is a positive feedback loop in that connection.
2
When I brought my first-grade son back to the US after living out of the country for many years, I was shocked to discover that first-graders were not allowed to touch each other at all in elementary school.
In Europe, my son and his buddies flung their arms over each others' shoulders and walked together across the playground, laughing in a bunch. They hugged each other and whooped after soccer victories.
But in the US, it was "keep your hands to yourself," and "no touching." I thought we had landed in some bizarre totalitarian communist country, where kids march in uniform straight lines, hands clutched tightly.
My son actually got into trouble for trying to comfort a buddy by touching him. I had to go to the principal's office and listen to her and the martinet of a second-grade teacher drone on about the school's rule of "no touching."
I told them in no uncertain terms that that was about the least humane rule I had ever encountered in an elementary school, and that they were well on the path to dehumanizing their pupils.
It is barbaric to inhibit children from affectionately touching each other, and I'm convinced it stunts the emotional growth of boys in particular. Look at how many sad and angry young men we have in this country. We need to start treating each other with more kindness.
125
It's good to see the Times give front page coverage to a humor column once in awhile.
"Professional Cuddling Industry": Need a job? Define a new, undiscovered need, and then fill it. Does this have a DSM classification yet, that wonderful jobs manual?
As to platonic male touching, I would be willing to bet and give 100-1 odds that the author never engaged in or has the slightest comprehension of wrestling or other sports. As to his assumption that sports are inherently violent, I can only laugh or feel sorry for his own personal experiential lack.
I wonder if in these politically charged moments a parallel column could be written about men's fears of platonically touching women.
That said, we cannot help but largely view things and project from our own experience. Clearly mine and others have been different, and it is always hard to tell whether one's own experience and consequent perception is the exception or the rule. It is also extremely difficult to differentiate culture and genetics. There is a huge tendency (more common on the Left than the Right I believe) to confuse what is with what should be, to conflate ethical objectives with "normal" behavior.
One last point. Wrestling really is an example of men touching intimately with (in 99% of the cases) neither sexuality nor violence/anger, and I have several broken bones willing to back up that conclusion.
4
I lived in Turkey for 3+ years. Male friends there often hold hands in public, walk arm in arm or throw their arm over a friend's shoulder as they walk down the street.
16
Okay, so this is clearly an identifiable problem, but how do we solve it? How does a society go about collectively overhauling subjective, behavioral constructs in a large portion of its people (especially when only a fraction of the society would be in support of such an overhaul in the first place)? National advertising, laws, secret subliminal messaging over the radio, mandatory elementary school teachings? Nothing will change in an organized fashion if there aren’t organized efforts, national to overturn things, instead of these echo-chamber discussions on liberal news forums.
We are a nation where we as men are being told that any touch, no matter how innocent may years later be described by someone else as a sexual assault. Until the witch hunts and #MeToo wannabes are done, I'm at best a firm handshake guy with everyone except an intimate partner and family members.
16
Ask. Get consent. I always ask for a hug before.
7
it's way out of control....ridiculous
1
I'm a female and a feminist but I'm sorry, when we have to get verbal consent for a platonic hug we've lost our minds. I often do the upper arm touch with close male colleagues, clients and friends, and I do not mind reciprocation. I am socially adept enough to know nothing is meant by it save platonic affection. We don't have to look for offense at every turn.
27
as an old Caucasian male I've always preferred the company and conversation of females
boofy aggressive males fearful of revealing vulnerabilities sticking to sport - 'how about that team score - #number# ?' - I'm thinking 'kill me now' - zzzzzz !
as an armchair psychologist, musician and frequent overseas traveler I've noticed people struggle with language, yet a smile and a gesture and the problem is solved
so these days I often sit in silence - in childcare - I say nothing - just smile and watch - and pretty soon a tiny girl comes up and grabs my hand to pull me over to show me something - or leans against me. Or slaps me as they walk past. No words needed - touch conveying 'hi - I recognise you - good to see you!' - a shared feeling - lovely.
Yesterday visiting a friend's family with 3 young kids - the oldest daughter is lovely and sets a fine example - the youngest is already a strong personality and will be fine - the middle 7yo boy has anger problems - he's hitting out - the youngest girl hits him, he hits back and gets in trouble for hitting - 'but she hit me first' - he is bullied at school and is at risk of violence (his traditional father shows no affection and only shouts at the kids to stop doing whatever) - not a great role model but there you are.
I like touch - acceptable non-sexual zone - upper arm - it conveys 'I care about you' - without scaring too much.
South Americans yesterday - hug and bise/kiss on cheek - 'how many?' - 1-3 depending ...
4
"With doses of oxytocin through the nose, fear is reduced and degrees of trust, generosity and empathy rise."
Well there we have it. Avoid the middleperson. No touching required. Just administer oxytocin nasally to calm your interlocutors. You'll also enjoy the element of surprise.
5
You don't feel anything special at all when it is administered that way. It's usually given to help women with the during lactation to help with the let - down. When you are in that frame of mind, you're usually at peace, and in love with the world anyway.
The first time I went to Europe I was surprised to see men walking down the streets with their arms around each other and even holding hands. It was clear from their demeanor there was nothing remotely sexual about it, but the affection and love was obvious. I wonder how America go so far off the track.
15
I was in India recently where men touching is totally normal. I saw teen boys walk arm and arm, men in villages holding hands, young men at concerts standing intimately close. I confess, it was pretty shocking, And I consider myself left of liberal and fairly progressive. We are failing humankind when touch is taboo.
5
Is the Times trying to get all men fired with this article?
Women are allowed to touch whomever they want.
Men are forbidden to touch anyone ever.
It may be depressing and lonely, but that what it takes to keep a job.
And if you off yourself as a result of all the depression and loneliness, that frees up a position for a more competent woman anyway. Win-win, wouldn't we all agree?
14
The problem here is that male touch and sexuality is being categorically criminalized
4
I'm a high school English teacher and I can vouch that adolescent boys have no trouble lightly punching, grabbing, headlocking, what used to be called roughhousing, each other. "Hands to yourself," is a constant admonishment in my classroom, in the halls, wherever they congregate. If the girls shared that degree of physical contact amongst each other, the boys would be quick to label them as gay or exhibiting homosexual behavior (not that there's anything wrong with that). The double standards of what constitutes platonic touching thrive in high school.
2
This article is about caring touch, not roughhousing
2
You've got to be kidding! What world are you living in where boys can touch each other and girls can not? At best you are being dishonest.
1
I am so sad to not have hugs and regular touch and yes I love when I can do that platonically with my male friends. I miss my friends from South America it was more normal to be more physical.
2
This strikes me as making a powerful case for general social dance, a tradition that has pretty much disappeared in Canada and the U.S. as far as I can make out. Unfortunately we're left with ballroom, tango, swing, salsa/mambo etc. which just forces people into a specific dance culture.
4
This comes across as just another attempt to bash straight American men. Yes touch is important. Many straight men get the touching they need from women. They do not wish to spend a lot of time touching or being touched by other men. And there's nothing wrong with that. Physical affection from adults towards their children or other young relatives has nothing to do with the author's suggested platonic affection/talking between adult non-related men.
Why are there so many opinion pieces telling men that they need to be more like women? What's the agenda here?
6
@Lilo
It's only your imagination that construes this article as "another attempt to bash straight American men." This article is based on solid scientific research. Science doesn't care whether or not you believe or accept its results.
1
I think this applies more to white American men. I just read an interesting article somewhere about the affection that African American men show each other, both physically and verbally. Also, while I think homophobia may be part of it, how to explain how men from other cultures —cultures that are equally or more anti-gay than ours—still hug and kiss?
When does this happen to boys? My own young teenage son and his friends continue to touch in subtle ways: sitting on the couch with the legs up on an ottoman intertwined as they watch sports or movies on TV;lying on the ground between soccer matches, a boy will rest his head in the lap or on the back of another; and styling each other’s hair (sometimes to be silly but other times not).
4
I used to hug all my colleagues (male and female) who I knew when I saw them once a quarter. At the meeting last week, i shook hands with everyone. Given the current environment, I have no idea whether they want to be touched or not and I am not taking a chance of being sued by someone perceiving a hug the wrong way. A pity...
6
No one gets sued for hugging. This is male paranoia.
The US Supreme Court has made it extremely difficult for a woman to prevail in a sexual discrimination or harassment lawsuit. In 2013, the Supreme Court per Justice Alito decided that liability was limited to supervisors with hiring and firing power, placing new obstacles on employees harassed by coworkers.
Recent cases from the ultraconservative US Supreme Court have created a legal environment that encourages victims of sexual harassment to remain silent.
Just like most rapes go unreported because women know there is no justice for them through the courts, so do most cases of sexual harassment go unreported. The injustice and your culture grows ever more coarse, mean and degenerate.
But keep spreading male paranoia about things that are not real.
Yes, they do get sued for hugging. Any unwanted contact is sexual harassment. It's clear you have no idea what is real.
This is just too simplistic. The author is ignoring the power play that can be effected through touch - "you are on my side, because I know you" sort of non-verbal thing, Look at Trumps weird handshake - it is all about power play and passive agressive friendlness. Also, I hate speedos, most bodies in the world cannot take that level of scrutiny - why torture yourself when you can be comfortable, and with pockets? I personally wear shorts and a shirt when swimming, and am quite comfortable - the womens version of speedo is NOT for me, I am not Charlize Theron not even close..
2
Speedos are for racing. If you are not a competitive swimmer bent on shaving a second or even .5 seconds off of your time, then you have no need for Speedos. Shaving off all body hair and other things to make your personal best record would probably not be your thing either. I don't know why you are bringing up Speedos, unless maybe you have observed some young swimmers who hang around the pool after practice for some relaxation time in the pool ..Maybe you have a friend who used to swim in competition and just never bought a baggier bathing suit?. Competitive swimmers are not so aware of others' style of bathing suits as you probably are, unless they see one that might help shave even more time off of their personal record, in which case they would probably come up to you and ask where they could find one to buy. Just like shoes -- not sexual.
Athletes in the pool likely don't want the distraction of flapping shorts or swimwear strings. I know I don't. Once I start exercising, I don't want to be aware of my clothing. The pocket issue is taken care of with lockers. Also, many boys and men in competitive water sports wear long, tight shorts. Wearing a tshirt and shorts also makes it harder for a coach to see a person's body position in order to provide feedback.
Depending on the circumstances, touching another person can result in serious legal problems for the toucher. In American culture, merely touching another person without that person's permission may be deemed assault and battery under the law. It's also called "unauthorized touching." Only consent from the touched person renders the touch lawful. Knowledge of the potentially unpleasant legal consequences of touching another person tends to create a sense of alienation from others, especially from strangers.
5
Platonic physical contact?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Hahahaha!
5
For myself, the difference is clear. Intimate acts are OK if the intimacy is shared and it is clear between both parties. If however, you are intimate with a man or woman who does not share those feelings, in America, this is wrong.
Men with economic or political power need to heed this factor. Not every person wants the intimacy you desire. Jumping into a kiss or squeeze suddenly is a BAD situation unless that person shares intimacy with you. It always has been and always will be because in America personal power is easy to grab. Witness our President, Herr Trump.
5
I do not dispute the benefits of touch. However, it is a total non sequitur to say that people need to seek, or even permit, any sort of touching from persons of the same sex, as for most people, especially in our society, there is no shortage of persons of the opposite sex who are able and willing to step into that role.
2
Who cares what sex? And would it matter if the person were gay or a-sexual?
1
If it doesn't matter for you, fine. However, that is something that every person must decide for him/herself. The whole tenor of this article is that persons who choose, for whatever reason or no reason at all, to engage in certain behaviors exclusively with members of the opposite sex are missing out on something, which they are not. Further, many of the comments posted here have included gratuitous judgmental remarks about other people's intensely personal choices.
Of course, whatever works for people, consensually.
Hmm, well I am an elderly 30-something so can’t comment on ‘the kids’ in Britain these days. But with my male friends, the only occasions non-sexual contact (hugs, backslaps) occurs is after the consumption of several pints of beer. Sober, firm handshakes occur on greeting/goodbye and sometimes - depending on individual - a bear hug. I seriously dislike any non-sexual physical contact outside of a relationship and select friends and family who initiate a hug. A shyness thing? Trust thing? Personal space?
‘Bromance’ is quite true, though all of us have certain red lines and so any emotional openness might go quite deep but only so far. I find I plumb greater emotional depths with female friends, even though I may have a better connection with male friends if that makes sense. With women I find it may be a more cerebral conversation over coffee for a few hours, but with certain male friends I’ve spent entire days and nights sat playing on the Playstation talking absolute nonsense interspersed with “deep and meaningfuls” and lines from the Simpson’s. How that makes for a close friendship that’s almost telepathic you know each other so well, I don’t know. But it does.
3
I guess I am blessed and did not know just how much. My Latin-American background makes me so sad for North American Males. I was brought up to find it normal to hug and kiss my whole family, father and brother included equally. I love my very few North American buddies now but never hug them as it makes them feel awkward and that is too bad. I must comment on the term bromance I do not like it because of the "romance" implication. Why not refer to it as brotherly love? A hug between brothers and male friends is nowhere near a "romance" for me, it is an expression of love of caring, not romantic involvement. Psychologists would do well to drop the term altogether or risk perpetuating awkwardness between heterosexual male friends.
103
Canuck in Ottawa,
On the other side of the river we hug and touch because that is what we do
7
@Canuck Economist Exactly! Thanks for stating this very clearly.
That's why getting a dog is the best thing you can do for your help. You can touch your pet as much as you want and he will love it and want to touch you back.
53
With all of the craziness going on lately and the headlines, can you blame people for keeping their hands and body parts to themselves?
13
Perhaps a page from the border with Mexico might be helpful. The "abrazo" has been long part of the male and female interactive scene in South Texas and undoubtedly elsewhere, where institutionalized touching between males and females doesn't draw any frowns or stares but rather understanding nods. Touching can be a device for communication that often surpasses mindless words.
7
Normally it's northern European males who like a lot of personal space and a level of formality that precludes touching. There are many diverse cultures in the US so some men from other cultural origins are okay with this. Perhaps the aversion to touching traces back to Puritan times. There seems to be less aversion to (straight) males touching when a father and son are involved. Some men don't seem to be able to communicate without touching another man and I cannot fathom why this is the case.
2
Not so much normally as formerly. In the remote rural community where I life, my male and female friends and neighbors pretty much all hug at the start and end of informal get-togethers. This is true of rich and poor alike, the widely traveled and those never who’ve never roamed. It’s quite a new phenomenon, something I’ve noticed only in the past five years or so. We no longer shake hands after the first few encounters. A hug seems more natural in the meantime, and perfectly normal.
The worst thing is meeting your daughter-in-law during Christmas dinner. You have to put both arms around her, and she then doing the same, then pretend to kiss her, then disconnect the non-connect. Spoils my meal every single year.
3
How truly weird...
29
I love 'hug a hunk' booths or 'hugs for a dollar' booths at gay festivals.
3
The US is the most touch adverse country I’ve ever been in. Men and women seem afraid to to display even the basic affections of a welcoming hug and kiss on the cheek to each other without other people freaking out. My Mother was extremely maternal and all over me as a kid with affection and kisses. As a adult man it is common for me to greet women with a hug and kiss on both cheeks. Likewise with my Daughter who is now 22 we still kiss hello on the lips. OMG you should see people looking! Which says more about their emotional problems when affection disturbs them.
29
We are a violent, hyper-gendered country and this issue is just another reflection. We are more into violence than sex, certainly going as far back to our origins in the Puritans and settling the country with pronounced violence. I find it telling men can be all over each other in a violent context - football - but in no other way. It's part and parcel of the anti-LGBT ethos. America s like a teenager.
32
"Yes, Americans are generally gregarious but, unlike, say, Italians, Greeks, the French or Latinos, that friendly intimacy is largely limited to our mouths. "
You should include the entire Middle East, where straight men walk in public with their arms around each other, in your above grouping. I don't know if they still do it, but at least it was common place before the gay awareness syndrome spread to the region.
9
"Professional Cuddling Industry"
Need a job? Define a new, undiscovered need, and then fill it. Does this have a DSM classification yet, that wonderful job creation manual?
Oh wait, now I get it. The Times is running a humor column to replace the hard investigative journalism of the lamentably departed Gretchen Morgenson. Good, it saves me from having to buy Mad or People.
As to the author's problem with non-sexual male touching, I would be willing to bet and give 100-1 odds that the author never engaged in or has the slightest comprehension of wrestling or many other sports. As to his assumption that sports are inherently violent, I can only laugh while feeling sorry for his own personal experiential lack. And, if it took all these years and beers to give a friend a hug, well he has my genuine sympathy for a stunted upbringing.
In any case, I wonder if in these politically charged moments a parallel column could be written about men's fears of platonically touching women. That would be more "instructive", probably as humorous as this column, and no more a threat to genuine journalism. Maybe there's even a series here: "Touching For Dummies." Sound like good clickbait to me.
6
A rather ...effeminate way of looking at male (masculine) experience. "Fearful avoidant attachment style", really?
The author should read Raymond Chandler more, and Vogue less.
2
I'm impressed. The editors should submit this article to the "Most Cliches per Column Inch Award." A shoe-in. Sheesh.
2
I think the authors hit the proverbial nail on the head. My father is a Hispanic Texan (7 generations). My mother is an immigrant from northern Europe. She always says that she learned to be affectionate from my dad's family where kissing and hugging is second nature among men & women. It is a cultural thing. So if the authors a mistake, it is to equate northern European sensibilities with American ones. Plenty of us Americans males have kept the best of our non-northern European tactilely gregarious cultures.
10
Adopt a Dog. I'm very serious. You are potentially saving a life, and greatly enriching your own. If you are not able to have a Dog, consider volunteering at your local animal shelter. Think Dogs are just " too much work"? CAT, if you must. If Cats were people, they would all be IRS Agents. Joke! Dog person joke! Get a Dog, OR Cat. Seriously.
39
The best for a hug and caress with a big, strong hunka burnin' love is a horse. And they smell so sweet; and that kissable soft side of the mouth.
4
Yes! I think of horses as huge, lovable dogs.
7
My family kept pet rabbits—indoor rabbits with the run of the house. A good friend had horses, and my niece has a horse. We all agreed: horses are huge, lovable rabbits!! They really have almost exactly the same personalities. They are nervous prey animals, but also, perhaps a bit paradoxically, assertive. They like to nibble on hay, carrots, and the clothes and hair of their humans! They have sweet breath and 300-degree vision. They fight by biting and with powerful kicks. The scream if in pain. They keep harems. They love you, but sort of on their own terms. And, they are smarter than you might think!
3
I must be Japanese: I dislike being touched. It's embarrassing. A handshake, with all its attendant bacteria and virus-swapping is disgusting, too; but you gotta play the social game. I always look for a place to wash my hands afterwards, for I have seen where guys put their hands; and most guys do not wash hands after using the restroom. Yuck!
I noticed years ago that my teenaged girls were constantly being hugged by boys. Uh ... I always considered that to be sexual. I know: projection.
To each his own, I guess, but my family didn't touch, and I just am not comfortable hugging every person I work with and see on the street. What are we? Russians? Were John Wayne, Dwight David Eisenhower, and James Dean huggers? No.
Maybe I should wear a sign:
Old School.
Do Not Touch.
5
Very sad.
11
you poor fellow, you're missing out on so much of what it means to be human.
13
Yes, by all means, wear the sign. In the alternative, try working on hugging, for your own personal growth - and for your children.
8
The bitter irony here is if a woman finds a male co-worker funny and attractive enough- she wouldn't think twice if she was hugged innocently by somebody she likes. The problem is other guys see her accepting the hug and emulate the behavior- then she freaks out and runs to HR. So women send off mixed signals all the time. Most guys are oblivious to social, propinquitous cues from women and have no idea that a simple hug or pat on the shoulder could mean the end of their career... well they do now I suppose, for their sake I really hope they understand.
19
That is not women sending off mixed signals. That is men presuming that because one man can platonically hug a friend, they are ENTITLED to hug her if they want to (and never mind if she's okay with it). The problem in that situation lies solely and completely on the men.
6
There's no reason to hug your colleague. High fives, low fives, fist bumps, claps on the back (upper back, not the lower back or butt), clap on the shoulder (clap or pat, then remove the hand--don't leave it there), pat on the arm, enthusiastic handshake--these all suffice as forms of approval/collegial affection/etc. It's really not that complicated.
1
Baloney!
2
I wonder if there's any comparable research into the benefits of close physical contact with a friendly pet.
8
Yes. Stress reduction is major benefit of pets, especially dogs.
The same value is why dogs are used a therapeutic visitors in hospitals, as comforting companions brought to children testifying in courts, and as non-judgmental lap companions to children learning to read aloud in some schools.
2
But hang on, professional women are incredibly competitive and often isolated. Look at Marissa Meyer and her unrelated-ness, Margaret thatcher, Helen Clarke to name others, Evita Peron.... My observation is that women in non-home jobs are not touchy-feely at all, whereas men will bond even with those they compete with. There again, a lot of that female 'darling, I love you!' hugging and kissing stuff is fake, pure show, as any observer knows. Remember Lucille Ball and her female co-workers at the bank, on the show, how they hated each other, like in the 'Arrowhead' episode?
3
I think you draw whatever conclusions you want from this article. Theology often preaches the healing power of touch. Hands have a symbolic relationship to deism that relates specifically to Christianity but also permeates throughout almost every religion. At the same time though, what works for you doesn't necessarily work for everyone.
I remember working in a retail store one time. There was an older gentleman there who was hit by a car while riding his bike in his early twenties. He lost most of a leg as a result. On top, the hospital had given him an un-screened blood transfusion through which he contracted hepatitis. This man is not saint but he had a rough shake. In front of my eyes though, complete strangers had the nerve to place their hands on this man and pray for his disability.
I'll remove my co-workers profanity for the sake of public discourse. However, the basic message I received from my co-worker was: Don't ever touch me.
3
Laying on hands and praying for a stranger in a public place is not the same as giving someone you know an affectionate pat or hug.
8
Yeah, but Christianity isn't deism, is it? Christ interfered with the world directly, in a way that deistic faith says He can't. Jesus interfered, in a good sense, when He delivered me from evil spirits, like the bible records too. Touch, likewise, is interference in the lives of others. As Genesis says ' ...and God saw that is was not good for man to be alone...' amazingly the word God is plural , Elohim, as in muhajadim. The original design of us is for relatedness.
In restaurants, research has shown that elbow touching waitresses made 36% more tips from male customers than non touching waitresses, while male waiters increased their earnings by 22% regardless of the sex of the customer.
4
I don't want a waitress touching me. It's faux sincerity and a business setting.
4
I played high school football in White Plains (1985) with tough guys from a diverse background. We were undefeated. Our sophomore year we were un-scored on. We had played together for four years (most played together through grade school.) We played for a very good, maniacal coach.
We held hands in the huddle both on offense and defense. I’ll never forget it.
21
Ohio State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe should read this article.
He is from Pennsylvania. Further, he has as much right to make decisions concerning his own body, for any reason or no reason at all, as anyone else.
1
Skidmore writes: "As the sociologist Michael Kimmel, who studies masculinity, said in an email, touch between straight men can occur only when physical contact 'magically loses its association with homosexuality' — as happens in sports."
Fifty years ago, a psychiatrist surprised me by asserting that football players are suppressed homosexuals.
2
It's good to see the Times give front page coverage to a humor column once in awhile.
"Professional Cuddling Industry": Need a job? Define a new, undiscovered need, and then fill it. Does this have a DSM classification yet, that wonderful jobs manual?
As to platonic male touching, I would be willing to bet and give 100-1 odds that the author never engaged in or has the slightest comprehension of wrestling or other sports. As to his assumption that sports are inherently violent, I can only laugh or feel sorry for his own personal experiential lack.
I wonder if in these politically charged moments a parallel column could be written about men's fears of platonically touching women.
3
It's real, the cuddling industry. And makes sense in our touch deprived culture which sexualizes touch and intimacy. I would love to try it. Have a safe zone where I can be held without feeling objectified. And go to other countries where men hold hands and touch regularly.
1
Barbara, we all cannot help but largely view things and project from our own experience. Clearly yours and mine have been different, and it is always hard to tell whether one's own experience and consequent perception is the exception or the rule. It is also extremely difficult to differentiate culture and genetics. There is a huge tendency (more common on the Left than the Right I believe) to confuse what is with what should be, to conflate ethical objectives with "normal" behavior.
In any case, thank you very much for engaging.
Oh, one last point. Wrestling really is an example of men touching intimately with (in 99% of the cases) neither sexuality nor violence/anger.
1
Much as it hurts to say this, it is only American men who appear to be taught from an early age that emotions are not something to be seen or heard from anywhere in public space. Which, sadly, means that we also aren't teaching our males, early on, how to manage their inner feelings in a positive, healthy way. And, we wonder why the US is having an epidemic of mass shootings, opioid dependence deaths, suicides?
We are our own worst enemies when it comes to teaching basic life skills to our children. We're far too obsessed with testing scores and consumerism.
69
But nobody really cares, do they? Men are the aggressors and women the victims. If men had a longer life span, were less likely to be killed at work, had numerous choices in all male schools, were becoming over represented in colleges, didn't have to register for selective service while women did, or paid higher car insurance rates, the media and feminists would be up in arms. No one cares if males are ones being hurt.
What a nice essay, perfect for the time but really for any time.
10
Yes. All of this. It's okay, guys. Being friendly doesn't have to be creepy. Or "homo". Or anything "negative". Do a fist bump. Touch a shoulder. Do a "bro hug", or a real hug. It's all okay. Usually, being friendly can just be being friendly.
14
Would you say the same thing to an observant Muslim woman, that there is nothing "creepy" about contact with unrelated men, that "it's all okay," or that "being friendly can just be being friendly?" You would come across as being condescending, or worse. I suspect that we simply respect her choice, and skip the judgmental comments. Isn't each and every one of us entitled to the same respect for the decisions we make concerning our own bodies?
1
Actually no, I wouldn't say the same thing to an observant... This story was about men. And speaking of being condescending... :-)
1
True, the story was about men. Does that mean that giving unsolicited advice to men about intensely personal decisions is somehow acceptable, when giving similar unsolicited advice to women is not?
Sexist cultures like in Sicily and the Middle East men touch each other too much. This trend in Britain may not be a good thing, they should learn to touch their girlfriends more.
1
And men who do not have girlfriends? What should they do? or how about men who want to have physical contact with more than one person, the same way most women do?
6
I can't help but think you're attacking a straw man here.
Are you claiming that someone has actually said to you that you shouldn't have held your father's hand? If so, I think you owe your readers more details.
9
He's not. He's addressing a very real issue.
9
Deirdre Katz - No, I really don't think this author is 'attacking a straw man.'
I once sat down next to my brother during a crowded family Christmas gathering -- elbow to elbow -- and after a few minutes grinned at him and said "Hey, put your arm around me!" He didn't, and I didn't say anything else. Evidently this fleeting exchange bothered him greatly. Months later, he finally referred to it and said "You're my sister, not my wife. I don't want to CUDDLE with you." He apparently regarded putting an arm around the shoulders of a biological relative he's known for 51 years, as a sexualized gesture. Or something negative, anyway. All the men in my family of origin have (or had) this reticence.
13
wow, you poor thing, what a horrible way for a family to act , I hope you've found tenderness elsewhere.
4
too many Puritans, all from Europe
You can take them back!!!
7
Great suggestions - but make sure you get written permission before trying.
8
Just make sure your touch is welcomed by the touchee, no matter what their gender! Platonically rendered or not...
13
In the wake of the #MeToo revolution, V.P. Mike Pence's practice of never being near or alone with a woman doesn't seem so strange after all .. We may as well make it the new normal. The Pandora's box is open- and it's now open season on every guy who does or says something nice or stupid. Feminists have been grappling for this "upper hand" social dynamic for decades, and now they got it. Perhaps in the next 40 years, it will be the women who are accused of groping men.
11
Oy Vey. Nothing has changed except the ones who do things non-consensually are being held accountable. Women still like men, fyi.
7
Everything has changed, or is changing. I'm glad to hear women still like men, but it would be hard to tell from the NYTimes comment sections.
Wow, Reiner, I know The TImes basically requires these pseudo-profound, tie-two-seemingly-unrelated-things-together endings, but you went over the top, prefacing your obligatory conclusion with an entire scene-setting paragraph that made no sense (I kept thinking, you were having beers at your house, or his? Why did neither of you react to the pounding of the kitchen door in your own home?)
Note to Times editors: At the end of all pieces of this type, you should just insert "Many miles away, something crawls to the surface of a dark Scottish loch," and be done with it!
Of course, if I received more physical touch, I might not be so snarky toward random essayists on the internet.
6
It's not just American men who are touch averse. In 1969 I went hitchhiking through Europe with 3 female friends, and we were all surprised to see European girls walking along with interlocked arms. We'd rarely seen that back home.
7
This is true, and I often see Asian women walking arm in arm with their mothers or daughters. Something to emulate.
1
I would also suggest that the irrational negative obsession with homosexuality found in some parts of the society contribute greatly to this problem. Somehow we have arrived at a place where touch is frequently assumed to be sexually motivated so men have become afraid to express physical affection to others - not just other men, but women and children too. And sadly they aren't wrong. We have so sexualized touch in this country that the immediate reaction to two men expressing affection to one another is to automatically assume they are gay - and then to berate them for it. I've weirdly even been on the receiving end of this myself as a female - I was walking hand in hand with my adult daughter in a popular east coast resort town and the middle aged straight couple behind us started making nasty remarks about us to each other, making sure we could hear them. One of the more bizarre and eye-opening experiences of my life. In any case, maybe if we ratcheted down some of this over-the-top anti-gay and hypersexualized rhetoric, we could start being more physically comfortable with each other.
52
And maybe if people pushing for gay acceptance wouldn't be so quick to categorize any same gender contact as "homoerotic", it wouldn't be so much of a problem. While I'm sure they think it's cute and clever, it doesn't help their cause, it just gives them an excuse to feel superior.
It’s always very interesting to me how that the more of why I do things is tried to be explained to me the less it is I want to do those things anymore. Which is maybe why it is I hope I never find out why I’m here to begin with. Because it happened is all I care about, if even.
1
A firm handshake doesn't carry that onus of unmale touchy-feeliness. Neither does a manly one-armed hug or a pat on the back. Maybe it's because these gestures have a tradition of social acceptance behind them. I do feel, though, that a man has more freedom to let his emotional guard down at the bedside of a loved one who's seriously ill or dying.
4
I hug my dad and my son. i get the bro' hug from coworkers for congrats or long time, no see. Personally I haven;t experienced this. Seems very limiting.
4
For a reason I can't remember I once was telling my wife of a scenario in which I rated the importance of each of the human senses and which if I had to choose I would give up. Touch ranked as a strong # 1 ( least preferred to lose).
Also I lived in Europe for 10 years and it was starkly different in terms of male touch and closeness of personal space between people also.
3
Such a great article amd of fundamental importance. I am an artistin the Midwest. I often joke that I am going to host a drawing class for non-artists with a nude model, full-well knowing the response...an uncomfortable laugh based on the sexual nature of the nude. Touch and sight have a primarily sexual implication for the American male. This needs to change.
4
In the last few months of my father's life, as a brutal, grueling battle with lung cancer was winding to its inevitable conclusion, he would occasionally ask my brothers or me (all of us well into our 40s) to snuggle with him in bed. Those have become some of my most precious memories. Heads together on the pillow, shoulder to shoulder, arms entwined. Rarely would we speak. It gave him great comfort to have his children so close again. And what a privilege for me to provide him that solace.
34
I was once at a party in Mexico City with my american girlfriend. At one point she and another american woman were talking about how much the men touched each other, hugging, sitting on a couch with an arm around each other while they talked or leaning against each other while standing. I hadnt really thought about it before, but realized it was true. I asked them if they thought it was weird, they said they loved it. Ive also found that my american (male) friends increasingly touch and hug me and each other. It may be in specific circles only, but it is happening. It only takes a little bit of exposure, and it begins to normalize. It makes you feel connected and accepted.
19
I would never hug an American male, not even a blood relative, but it’s the first thing that happens when we meet our male and female friends in France, Spain or Portugal. It’s seems only natural. And hugging a total stranger in Spain, France or Portugal when first introduced isn’t unusual, depending on where they’re from.
15
Sorry but I don't like being touched by guys. A handshake, that's about it. A kiss? Where I feel the guy's beard brush against my face? Forget it.
Maybe it's like that Seinfeld episode where George doesn't want a massage from a male masseuse in case it moves.
4
This article was written for you :)
10
There is an important documentary making the rounds in the various communities titled "The Mask You Wear". It totally speaks to this.
4
I'm partial to a quick pat and rub to the back of a friend's hand.
6
The temporal juxtaposition of this article with the recent sexual harassment headlines presents an interesting dilemma...should permission to touch (regardless of gender/relationship) always be a necessity/consideration?
6
So pleased the Times continues to run articles like these. Important in themselves, as well as an antidote to the toxic environment of our political (in)sensitivities. (Also, see Robert Bly's "Iron John: A Book About Men.") Thanks!
5
I think for touch to be a truly positive experience, it has to be actually wanted and welcome by the person receiving it. In other words, it has to be consensual and non coercive. And that applies to both sexual and nonsexual touch in my opinion.
14
Absolutely. That's the dividing line between the beginning of a relationship and something that might be forwarded to HR. If it's not wanted, expect the latter.
Hopefully, people can read signals well enough not to get themselves into trouble.
This stuff is gray, speaking of "stuff" well short of Weinstein or O'Reilley and even, I'll add, short of Al Franken or George H W Bush, who must have known their antics at picture time weren't likely to be welcome.
1
Because it’s impossible to know in advance what others consider “wanted and welcome” touches, Zareen, I guess you may have to expect some to not be “truly positive” experiences. Or wear a sign that says, “Don’t Touch Me”, or even better: a sign listing the people who may touch you, where they may touch you, and under what circumstances they may touch you.
7
Excellent suggestions. Thanks, Bob!
3
"affection deprivation" is a great term.We are all so frequently separated and expected to act as lone wolf's,doing our daily tasks and hardly having the opportunity to express that deep longing for TLC.No wonder so many are lonely and depressed when anything remotely showing physical desire(not necessarily sexual) is looked upon as a threat or with disdain and suspicion.
10
james, thank “social media” for creating the false equivalence between online interaction and live interaction, with affectionate touching among its casualties.
4
If anything, cuddle therapy aside, we're moving steadily further away from affectionate, platonic touch as a regular habit with our friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. One gets the sense that satisfaction of this need will become the sole province of those who can afford to pay a professional for it, though even that negates the spontaneity which I feel is a key therapeutic ingredient.
The age of Donald Trump (and no, it's not all his fault, though he is the sum of all Ugly American characteristics in one sad sack of excessive flesh) has dampened both romantic and platonic affection more than we've yet realized. The clear trend is to recoil from the other. And now, I would never dream of initiating a friendly hug with anyone for fear of it being misinterpreted, despite always accepting (cautiously) the diminishing ones I receive.
A dissolving society just isn't much fun. Thank goodness for pets at home and old trees in the park. Both seem fine with being on the receiving end of a long touch.
13
The trend may be to recoil but desire will always be there. I am not noticing an embargo on the part of men but rather an enhanced interest (all the protest out there notwithstanding). Men need women (and vice versa). This movement has the potential to wake people from their stupor and cause them to actually see one another.
2
A few years ago I was sitting in my truck waiting on a friend when a couple of young Mexican guys came walking down the sidewalk. They were far enough away from me that I was able observe them for several minutes. As they walked they fell into a sort of rhythm, bumping shoulders every 15 seconds or so, moving apart, then coming back together to bump shoulders again. It was obviously unconscious as they were both talking and laughing, but what struck me was how happy they seemed to be. Like really, really happy.
120
Beautiful, Robert.
12
It has become a warped "tradition" for American men to fashion themselves as "rugged individualists," stoic islands who are so afraid to be seen as weak that connections and expression are muted if it looks like they might suggest needs for emotional, physical or financial help.
12
Well, but even if they do ask for help, no one will care or help anyway, so why make yourself vulnerable when it only leads to more contempt and more isolation?
In the early 90s, people who worked with children started being trained as to what parts of the body they were allowed to touch.
Forget kids' emotional needs. The most human connections were suddenly liability issues.
So it was very odd to me that Garrison Keillor was pilloried for touching someone in the ONE place I can recall was deemed as safe -- the small of the back.
42
My mother was a nurse and father a neurosis of a different era. They both were trained to touch patients non-sexually. My mother informed me that rubbbing a persons arm from forearm to wrist reduced pain as effectively as morpheme. In moments when possible nurses would pause and take a patient’s hand rub their arm to comfort and relieve their pain, then move on to their other duties. My father still trains medical students and they are continually shocked that he touches his patients during thorough examinations. They are afraid yet he informs them there is no other way to effectively evaluate and diagnose many conditions. Patients have expresssed gratitude often because my father is such a sensitive and effective diagnostician, who could finally help them after being seen by many other doctors. The touch also helps them discuss what they are experiencing... I was personally was saved from late stage Lyme disease, after years of steroid shots, knee aspirations and all kinds of varied symptoms. I accompanied my wife to her OB appointment because we were expecting and her perceptive doctor observed my motions and asked to examine me. She touched my gland areas and asked questions. Within minutes she had my blood drawn to be tested. She was the first doctor to actually touch me after maybe 30 visits to doctors over a 2-3 year period... i’m Forever grateful for her touch. She was a gynecologist and thus was trained and accustomed to touching her patients...
52
My mother was a nurse and father a neurologist of a different era. They both were trained to touch patients non-sexually. My mother informed me that rubbbing a persons arm from forearm to wrist reduced pain as effectively as morpheme. In moments when possible nurses would pause and take a patient’s hand rub their arm to comfort and relieve their pain, then move on to their other duties. My father still trains medical students and they are continually shocked that he touches his patients during thorough examinations. They are afraid yet he informs them there is no other way to effectively evaluate and diagnose many conditions. Patients have expresssed gratitude often because my father is such a sensitive and effective diagnostician, who could finally help them after being seen by many other doctors. The touch also helps them discuss what they are experiencing... I was personally was saved from late stage Lyme disease, after years of steroid shots, knee aspirations and all kinds of varied symptoms. I accompanied my wife to her OB appointment because we were expecting and her perceptive doctor observed my motions and asked to examine me. She touched my gland areas and asked questions. Within minutes she had my blood drawn to be tested. She was the first doctor to actually touch me after maybe 30 visits to doctors over a 2-3 year period... I’m forever grateful for her touch. She was a gynecologist and thus was trained and accustomed to touching her patients...
8
Of course hugging is very complicated because even though it has become a common form of greeting in many circles it is still taboo in others. For instance, many elementary school teachers are either formally forbidden to touch (including hugging) their students or are leery of possible consequences even when there is no strict prohibition, although many younger children benefit enormously from a well-timed hug. The prohibition is even stronger in high school and college and it exists in many other situations and relationships.
On another note, when we were in Africa many years ago I was astonished to see that when two friends, either both men or both women, walked down the street together they often held hands in a casual, non-sexual way-- something I would never have done walking with a female friend at home. The first time I was walking with an African woman friend and she casually took my hand I was shocked but kept myself from pulling back and it turned out to be a lovely, warm, relaxing experience--something we almost never see in this country between friends after childhood.
50
I remember once watching a TV interview with Luciano Pavarotti and the baritone, Leo Nucci. As they strolled through the streets of Milan, they held arms, keeping each other steady, and displaying a deep (straight) friendship.
I was startled at first. Then I thought, they’ve got the right idea!!
16
I once sat in a cafe in a Calabrian town, Vibo Valentia, observing the late afternoon passegiata, the daily ritual of strolling the main avenue by seemingly the entire population. Pretty much all of the men were walking in this same arm in arm fashion. I suspect that that Italian expression “on the arm” somehow derives from this, as in “I will carry you”.
1
"Of course, it would not be surprising if recent allegations of sexual assault by public figures make people even more skittish about initiating or receiving physical contact."
So, that's pretty much the end of the discussion, then? The calculation has been renewed. If you as a male don't want to become 24/7 HAIR-ON-FIRE!!! News fodder, save your touching for legally sanctioned, consensually reproductive (or not) activity, or with the nearly dead, but...related. Phew...that was easy.
21
The Human Significance of the Skin, by Ashley Montagu.
Fascinating insights about effects of touch in modern and primitive cultures.
19
so timely and helpful! my husband is invariably the one who says, "I need a hug." (and he gets it of course, w/ a little embarrassment on my part, for not having initiated it) I'm glad he articulates that need, anyway!
and now that he's ever-so-slowly in recovery from Guillain-Barre Syndrome, and in bed most of the time, I can understand an even-greater need for touch, with all its benefits.
for me, this article was timed perfectly. thanks!
37
Great article that articulates my feelings exactly. My favorite reading includes Trollope and Whitman from the 19th century when male physical contact outside of sports was generally not considered forbidden or at least far less sexually-motivated as it is today, when even touching females has lately become a sign of sexual intent. I also sometimes ponder the crucial fact common to our species that because most men generally experience and often share in violence from an early age, that hope for a future of world peace will still remain just a fairy tale, pun intended.
8
I am more comfortable exchanging touch with females than males. In the throes of #MeToo sensitivities, that would seem to be risky, if not unthinkable, in the workplace, but it has actually worked out well for me.
My workplace employs more men than women, and many of the men fit the stereotypes that cause women to be on guard around them. Myself, I respect women as my equals and I enjoy working with them. Fortunately, that has been recognized by some of the women I work with. Now, when a couple of my female friends at work exchange neck and shoulder massages or applying hand lotion, I am typically included in the mutual care ritual.
We have discussed the implications of this after being exposed to mandatory classes and quizzes about sexual harassment and we agree that it is better not to put up barriers that don't benefit us. On the other hand, we are very clear that nothing sexual is intended or welcomed, and we don't see each other outside of the workplace unless our significant others or coworkers are present.
It is unfortunate that such innocent and beneficial touch has become almost scandalous. Just as it takes something of a breakthrough to normalize platonic touching among men, it is a bit of a mindbender to safely exchange platonic touch in mixed company. Some of our coworkers were suspicious at first, but over the years they have accepted that we are all whole people who can treat each other with respect regardless of gender and set our own boundaries as we wish.
35
1. I hate being touched by people AT WORK.
2. I hate having to try to avoid people (usually women) who don’t understand boundaries AT WORK.
3. I love feeling the warm touch of friends, family, spouse. when I am NOT AT WORK.
20
Thank you. I wish I worked with you and I don't even know you. But you'd at least keep your hands to yourself, as would I.
2
Nice piece. Thanks. I'm part of a (mixed-gender) international folk dance group, using the music and dance of the Balkans, other parts of Europe, America, and some Asian and South American dances. One of the pleasures of our group is precisely that everyone holds hands when dancing in a line or circle. I'm just sure that this is a good (and in fact ancient) thing for human beings to be doing.
76
I am an American living in the UK. I find that British men (as well as continental Europeans) are much more likely to have little worry about physical contact with other men...non sexually. They seem to be much more secure with their own sexuality. I really do notice this when I have gone back to the US. European men are much more comfortable and less stressed I think. I have no evidence....just years of observation.
108
You are correct. I was born and raised in Europe and continue to visit every year, and can attest to that.
Another one of the many signs of American male insecurity is how they dress and groom themselves. Take bathing suits - knee-long, baggy and loose, designed to hide. European men, gay or straight, rock the speedo without any bashful worries. They also dress nicer, and wear tighter shirts and pants as a general rule, not as a hipster exception. They wear bead necklaces and bracelets and put highlights in their hair. They shave their legs and armpits. And all of that is not only NOT bothering them in the slightest, but it’s considered “cool” and attractive to the women (yes I’m still talking about straight men here).
So it’s not just physical contact. American men are astoundingly insecure of their masculinity in general, and so afraid of looking “gay” that they’ve backed themselves into a tight corner of cowboy machismo with not enough room to breathe. And it’s driving them crazy (literally). It’s sad.
181
Men's swimsuit and shorts styles in the US follow fashion trends separate from Europe. In the 60s surfer baggies were in fashion. In the 70s and early 80s men (at least those in good shape) wore speedos. Then hip-hop and culture came in with the big shorts everyone wears now. Look at basketball videos from the 70s. You'll see plenty of leg and super-tight short-shorts.
3
Not a single guy I've asked has cited culture or fashion as the reason they refuse to wear a speedo (and I have asked many guys, in my attempts to try to understand why they are so vehemently against speedos). Every single one of them, however, has given the same reason - speedos are "too revealing". They "leave everything out there". Men should "hide" because seeing any amount of contour is "obscene". Strangely, American women tend to agree, acting all scandalized if they saw a guy in a speedo, while at the same time playing along with the polar opposite of women's swimsuits, where the whole point is to be small, tight and contour-revealing... and for some reason, for women that is okay...
I have strong doubts that men avoid speedos like the plague because of fashion. Fashion does not have such a strong hold over men. Culture, yes, I will grant you that, but only if we admit that the underlying reason for this cultural trend is either the puritan streak in America (however unevenly it manifests itself among the genders), or the extreme fear of being perceived as gay, or, likely, a combination of both. But not a desire to follow hip-hop fashion.
41
I remember learning in ASL (American Sign Language) class the difference between a "hearing person" hug and a "deaf person" hug: the hearing people gingerly bend the tops of their bodies toward each other, just barely touching, and barely pat each other on the back; the deaf roared with laughter at this. The deaf people enthusiastically hug full body. I much prefer the latter.
65
"But research shows that men’s, as well as women’s, levels of oxytocin rise when they receive affectionate touch from their partner — and that with doses of oxytocin through the nose, fear is reduced and degrees of trust, generosity and empathy rise."
as in heterosexual partner? most men like touching women and like women to touch them. and that can lead to problems when the converse is not true. in this case, the action called groping, and the men are called creeps or harassers or just desperate. the power of affectionate touch is especially sexual for men--sexual relations generate oxytocin off the charts--but maybe or maybe not for women.
4
Is it only hugs that help? Perhaps some of the touch deprived people could benefit from legitimate massage too? (As opposed to sexual massage work.) Maybe massage could join SSRI's as a prescribed method for reducing depression?
42
It might be better than nothing, but I doubt it has the same effect as intentional, social touch. Because it's not just the act of touching the skin that works the magic - it's also the message of care and affection behind it. That's what we truly need out of physical contact - the intention and emotional closeness behind it. Touch is just a way to convey that emotion. If it was merely the physical act itself, then we'd be just fine giving our own selves massages and caresses, but that doesn't do it.
59
I had a Rakki massage. (Rakki is not touching) It brought me to tears as it felt my inner person. We ended the session nearly touching all ten fingers, thumbs. We kidded "ET Phone home." This was non sexual in nature, but one of the biggest thrills of my life.
I have seen the lady I had the pleasure to have known, and felt a connection to her like I never had with anyone in my life!
I just wanted to add, I have a boss who likes a high 5. Once I learned that I could appreciate not hugging, in different situations!
I do have other repeats customers to whom a hug is a very welcome greeting. The occasion and recipients do dictate whether hugging is appropriate or not. Try a tap on the shoulder, much less invasive.
I read this book* years ago and found it fascinating. I am so glad I read it before having my children.
*Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin; Paperback; Author ‑ Ashley Montagu
$6.76
Barnes & Noble
12
I've got two words for you, Andrew. Ashland, Oregon. Wants hugs? That's your place.
5
This is an advantage that Gay men have. Even though you would think that a hug between two Gay men would automatically have a sexual connotation, actually, the opposite is true. Whether Gay men have more "feminine" brains, or because we socialize ourselves differently, or because we do have sex with other men, in my observations, a majority of Gay men will greet friends, and perhaps even introduced strangers, with a hug. We don't fear being called Gay, because we are. :)
We are also far more likely to share our feelings with other Gay men, and more able to cry.
I think straight men today, who have contact with openly Gay men, are slowly learning that touching other men is acceptable.
193
Yes, there's no moment of inhibition for gay men, just a natural touch to show your support, your connection. Straight male friends aren't used to that. But most aren't threatened by it; they actually appreciate it, at least that's been my experience.
We're all human beings, aren't we?
45
" .. I think straight men today, who have contact with openly Gay men, are slowly learning that touching other men is acceptable."
Gee, then why did HRC lose the country? She likes that stuff.
(((..silence..)))
1
Oh stop. Doesn't the fact that nobody agrees with you give you a clue?
3
Please check your references. Seattle Pacific University does not have a Medical School.
6
And beets are red.
There are depts of Psychology at hundreds of colleges and universities that do not have medical schools, including the one cited.
4
SPU does have a psychology department. The article says that Jay Skidmore was the former department chair.
Psychology is a social science and not part of any US medical school I know of.
1
Women are given more room in our society to say: “This is how I feel. It may not be ‘right’; it may not be ‘sensible.’ But this is how I feel.” Now, a proper man-hug has you facing each other, each holding the other’s shoulders or upper arms, looking each other in the eye:
—“You all right, man?”
—“Huh.” [alternatively: “Pfft.”]
—“Yeah, I hear you.”
9
"Women are given more room..." Sure - and judged unfit for positions of responsibility or promotion on account of it.
72
You have a right to your personal priorities, but other women have a right to theirs, and their personal priorities might be different from yours. And that is their right.
2
I'm surprised that this article isn't mentioning another troubling American trend - the shooting spree that American men seem to be on, unparalleled anywhere in the world. You have several very American factors coming into play together here - the cowboy attitude of touch deprivation, the wide access to guns, and the entitlement that catalyzes white men's anger into the explosive final result we see on the news way too frequently. Maybe if we taught boys how to express their (negative) emotions and deal with stress in a less stoic way, along with teaching them tolerance and, ideally, restricting their access to guns, we could start to see a decrease in the national shooting murder statistics. A man who can handle life doesn't have to reach for his gun to vent his grievances.
It starts with the children. How many times did you hug your son today?
219
"I'm surprised that this article isn't mentioning another troubling American trend - the shooting spree that American men seem to be on, unparalleled anywhere in the world .."
Yes -- Chicago, Detroit, South Central L.A., and Ferguson are troubling. Also vote Democrat more than 75%. With mostly no respect for the property of others. And many use illegal drugs and high-octane booze.
The good news -- the new president says he won't tolerate violent felons, especially those in the USA unlawfully. That's one big reason why HRC now gets to take walks in the woods -- she would not forcefully stop such bad acts.
2
That's neighborhood crime, a totally different topic about poverty and survival. Bing, she's talking about unprovoked, self radicalized, neighbor next door mass murder events that have no discernible motive or target. Typical right wing false equivalency.
1
American MEN aren't on a shooting spree. I personally know several men who haven't killed anyone (sarcasm in case you missed it). The one group it seems permissible to make gross generalizations about is men. You can say things about men - particularly white men - for which you would be labelled racist or sexist if the name of another group were substituted. Why do you think that is?
4