Beka found out who she was really married to. That explains her ability to let him go. I'm sure the thought of him disgusts her. As for befriending Elizabeth, she is protecting her children.
2
What a joke. She claims she agreed to see him (despite supposedly not wanting a relationship with him) because doing so was easier than explaining why she wouldn’t see him. What is simpler than “no thanks, you’re married”? How complicated is that to utter?
2
Elizabeth let a married man hit on her and agreed to have an affair, then a marriage. Can much good come from anything that begins in such shameful dishonesty and self-delusion? Beka is doing what she can to protect her children from seeing bitterness all around. I hope Elizabeth enjoys her two minutes of public fame and shame.
I don't think Beka is an angel here. What has she taught the kids ? All it shows to me is that everything is disposable. But of course the last inviolable link is between a father and a mother - really ? That is the next domino.
I don't know that there are any devils or angels in this story -- mainly three human beings (five counting the kids). I do think Beka made a laudable choice in demonstrating support of a women who, through no choice of their own, has become a large part of her daughters' lives (for however long the new relationship lasts).
2
First of all, I am GRATEFUL for this follow-up as it answers a few questions and puts the range of comments into perspective. I find it a complex, multi-layered situation, though, that has implications beyond the extremely admirable and loving civil behavior of the adults toward the children (and apparently each other). I attempted to articulate all of that here: http://biggreenpen.com/2017/12/03/marital-infidelity/
1
These people need some tough love- for their drinking and emotional immaturity. Shocking really.
3
I think that people who choose to get married and promise to be faithful should do that. If, in the course of the marriage, they find they no longer want to to do this they should say so instead of sneaking around and betraying their partner. Lots of things in life are grey. Some things are quite black and white. This is one of them.
5
As a child who grew up with divorced parents, I respect this family for their actions. My mother had not been so kind to my fathers girlfriends, so I missed out on getting to know a few other women to be "loyal" to my mother. This also of course caused me to have unspoken tension with my father, and I'm sure frustration for him and his girlfriends. None of the girlfriends were successful, and my mother stayed single as well, filled with resentment. Some people were commenting that they thought the children would grow up to lose respect for Beka for being "weak", but on the contrary, I would have been filled with respect and admiration for my mother if she had had been able to teach me this level of art of forgiveness, acceptance, and selflessness. I also would have had a lot less stress growing up, and would have understood a lot sooner you don't always have to choose a side to be on in life, you can support multiple parties without losing loyalty.
3
It does seem that you had a difficult time due to your parents' behaviors. Understandably so. But, in truth, you have no idea what the outcome of a more amicable relationship between your divorced parents would have meant for you. Because it didn't happen. It is your fantasy that it would have been better. But you simply do not know.
This is not to state that open hostility between divorced parents is a good thing. But it seems to me that it is entirely possible that children learn valuable lessons in morality and in navigating life by using examples of adults WHO DO NOT LIE. These lies are not just from the cheating parent while the exit is schemed and negotiated, but subsequently from that person and lovers and enablers who continue to twist or ignore responsibility for the childrens' predicament. When I hear a divorcee spouting self-congratulatory comments about their "blended family", I think liar. I hope that you can find a way to forgive your mother.
1
I found the column disingenuous like many other readers. In my case, I think that if Josh found his marriage to Beka lacking and unfulfilling, then he should have split with her before starting a new marriage. I am suspicious of divorces that don't take the time for the spouses to recover their individual senses of wholeness. Before a person is ready to get married, the person should be happy alone. Josh was unhappy with Beka, but before recovering himself he simply jumped into a new marriage, and he didn't split with Beka in a way that respected their marriage.
14
My experience (I'm 77) with men and divorce is that most of them don't quit their marriage unless they have a girlfriend waiting in the wings. Men are strangely incapable of being alone and will often end up in a horribly inappropriate and often punishing second relationship
10
Change “new marriage” to “new relationship.” The essay writer was the new girlfriend. I think she was jumping the gun in that respect.
This was a story of a vaguely unhappy husband and father, trolling around (in bars) for interested women. There’s no dignity in it. The man is simply a cad. He didn’t have the fortitude to abandon his wife until he’d built himself a lifeboat. That’s cowardly.
I told my husband before I agreed to marry him: if you think you would rather be with someone else you tell me and we will separate. You don’t go behind my back. He agreed. We have stuck to that promise.
I said it when the essay ran, but I’ll say it again — I have great respect for Bekka. The ex-husband and his girlfriend are sneaks.
4
The original story was too facile by half.
As a man, something makes me sure in my bones that Elizabeth wasn’t the first woman sitting on a neighboring barstool that Josh managed to convince that he wasn’t a cheater, just before he cheated with her.
21
I thought the same thing. I’ve seen men do this too often.
3
“She and Josh and I have done everything we can to shield them from the anger and damage so common in divorce.”
Until they are in middle school and some callous classmate digs this column up and taunts them over it.
17
Altruistic, yes. Realistic - improbable. I'm betting with time lapsed that Beka - depending on her own renewal - will reshape her vision of the story. Her selflessness and generosity are commendable and that we should all do as she did is something to aspire to.
But human memory is long and usually less selfless.
3
I too, was upset with the column. But agree that Beka is the hero in the story. She is an example of integrity and her focus on her children inspirational. You don't need to judge anyone to share the following: in the words of a wise woman long gone, "you can't build a life of happiness by causing others pain and grief ."
11
I am largely in agreement with WC Fields on this subject when he quipped that "a thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for..."
But of course most people don't feel that way and whether they know it or not hew to the position of the Vatican City weekly, L’Osservatore della Domenica's 500-word “open letter,” to Elizabeth Taylor during her affair with Richard Burton.
The open letter began with “Dear Madam” and went on to say, “Even considering the [husband] that was finished by a natural solution, there remain three husbands buried with no other motive than a greater love that killed the one before. But if we start using these standards and this sort of competition between the first, second, third, and the hundredth love, where are we all going to end up?
Right where you will finish—in an erotic vagrancy … without end or without a safe port.”
3
This story is beautiful and moving beyond words. It tells the greatness of human emotions (Beka's primarily) when conflict is properly managed. I have just one thing to tell Elizabeth: Beka's affection for her is indeed the result of her sheer efforts to regulate and transform her emotions, something essential for Beka to survive this storm. But this does not make the emotion less genuine! Context is always as important as the people involved for an emotion to appear. If something, this complex context makes Beka's bond to Elizabeth rare to find and hence much more special.
The author strikes me as immature - she's writing an afternoon TV drama of her relationship. And Beka strikes me as controlling - instead of standing by while the rug is pulled out from under her, she's taken hold of the steering wheel and decided to keep her enemy very close and intimate. it's the casual reference to drinking early in the day and callous disregard for her children (chatting about the divorce over their heads) that ring hollow, as another commenter noted, and manipulative. Beka's rage and her husband feeling bad about his actions are the only honest moments of this piece, before everyone returned to cliché sex-in-the-city land.
12
It’s “An Optimist’s Guide to Divorce” written by the other woman, not the divorcee. The lies you tell yourself.
15
What is fascinating about all of the morally indignant responses to the relationship of these three adults and the children involved, is the implication that everyone would be better off if anger and bitterness prevailed. Wouldn’t it be nice if all men and women, at all ages of adulthood, and all stages of relationships, had the maturity, insight and self-control to prevent emotions from attaching outside of an established family unit? When this complicated situation arises, as it has throughout human history, it is bound to cause pain. But why
would anyone want the outcome to be a perpetual state of rage and revenge? Couples split up for a variety of reasons. Who in these situations ever benefits from maintaining a self-righteous war mentality?
5
Anger and bitterness are better off aired and not hidden by Oscar worthy acting and phony maturity.
4
I think you are the one mounting that high horse of morality, Oz. You are judging all those who have posted honestly here.
What I see here, and remember from the comment thread on the day the essay ran, is not so much ”morally indignant responses,” but anger. That anger is justified.
For what the three of them want to do, what they want to make public in The New York Times, that is their decision, but in looking at their story, and how it all played out in the reader comments, I would not do the same. They effectively became « real people « . That is to say, not anonymous. Via Facebook, starting with the author, it became possible to see who they are. And they had their version of the story, but sometimes « knowing ourselves » is the hardest thing of all. And many of the readers saw them differently. Differently than the way they saw themselves. I cannot see what value such very public scrutiny was for them. Maybe useful, but certainly not easy. I think the Modern Romance column should avoid stuff like this again. It was interesting in a voyeuristic way, but still, not good.
11
I think--hope--Beka realized that a husband who "falls in love at first sight" with someone sitting next to him at a bar on a combo wedding anniversary/Mother's Day is not someone you want to pin your hopes and dreams on.
I also hope that somewhere in Beka's mind, she's thinking "now he's your problem" when she thinks of Elizabeth.
30
Talbot, I think you might want to read the quote from Beka again. You might also consider why you're so committed to the idea that this must somehow be a story with a rotten core. You sympathize with Beka but hope that she's being dishonest when she says that she's actually friends with her ex-husband and his live-in girlfriend? You think--hope--she's secretly consumed with bitterness? Seriously, sit down and really think about that one for a few minutes.
Marianne, you got all that from Talbot’s jokey comment? I think your scolding is unwarranted and inappropriate.
Of course an ex-wife has moments where she’s glad someone else is dealing with her ex’s foibles. That does not mean she isn’t honest about wanting to be friends.
"Judge not, lest ye also be judged."
3
Why are you rolling out that cliche? Everyone makes judgments all the time. If you're clever, you don't necessarily give voice to them. And what kind of a mess would society be in without reasonable amounts of judgement about behavior?
For a variety of reasons, I struggle with aspects of the story relating to Elizabeth and Josh; however, I profoundly admire Beka's actions. For me, she is the true subject of the piece. I love that Daniel Jones reached out to Beka and find Beka's comments to be inspirational. Perhaps the next time I am hurt and angry, I can reach beyond my current emotions and think about how I want life to be going forward given the situation.
6
I haven't reacted to any of the comments, but I love this one so much that I want to. I wrote this piece with the full knowledge that Josh and I would be judged (rightly) by our actions. This piece is about Beka, and the only way I could tell the story of this amazing woman was to share the circumstances that led to my relationship with her. This was my love letter to Beka, and my desire to publish this (with her full consent) was to let other people know that a person like Beka lives in this world.
3
Elizabeth, don’t you wonder when Josh might decide that he is bored, or that the passion in your marriage has been extinguished (for him, not necessarily for you)?
Old saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Why might you think that it couldn’t happen to you, as it did to Beka?
6
Perhaps you could have waited a few years to see how things work out for everyone.
3
The problem with absolutes is they lack nuance, subtlety and recognition that a myriad of details make seemingly similar situations differ in ways that can profoundly alter what seems obvious. Wisdom is rarely found in endless black and white assumptions and judgments. As someone with two degrees in history, I can note with confidence that the vagaries, foibles and idiosyncrasies of humans undermine any and all attempts to create either-or versions of how life should be lived. We might have ideals, but we know or should know that such expectations often do not reflect choices made and the consequences of them.
Eclectic Pragmatism — http://eclectic-pragmatist.tumblr.com/
Eclectic Pragmatist — https://medium.com/eclectic-pragmatism
4