So, I’m working in business and this woman comes up to me and says her supervisor chased her around the table and she barely escaped. I went to the guy and told him that I’d knock his block off if he ever did it again. Problem solved.
Men are raised to be physically aggressive at times but do we want to raise girls that way? We, men, are prisoners of our genes. Our bodies are physically larger and we are typically stronger in the chest. This must have had some survival advantage in the past, but now this aggression needs to be channeled away from war and violence against women.
I propose we form ‘packs’ at work to protect ourselves. We are after all pack animals, just like the chimps we evolved from.
2
"Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression"
Yes indeed, but the question is why?
The answer is uncomfortable but true: men in our culture (in almost all cultures in fact) are rewarded for this behavior. This competitiveness is de facto required to succeed both socially and in a career.
The truly inconvenient part is that a big part of that reward comes from women themselves.
Women find these very behaviors attractive.
Women largely judge men on their ability to succeed in this social competition. Success, money, and power are considered highly desirable traits in a man.
Even in our supposed egalitarian society, women expect men to court them, to be the active one who takes the risk in asking for a date. The man is expected to pay for the courtship and it is considered boorish if he doesn't.
Not much will change until women themselves start choosing men based on other criteria.
I don't see any evidence of that happening.
23
Just wondering about the relationship of Weinstein, Franken, Rose, and the many other predators, especially with their mothers ... mainly "broken" marriages?
Go into any girls' clothing section and you'll find scores of dresses that include sparkly-tulle princess outfits to lacy/leopard print onesies. Why? Because they must sell very well. Starting out in life being dressed as Tinker Bell's and vixens doesn't exactly exude an expectation of being encouraged toward hard academics.
It doesn't help when in politics, women Democrats don't simply play the woman card, they hit you over the head with it. Hillary Clinton assumed all women would vote for her simply for being a woman.
Michelle Obama admonished her post-election women audiences for "voting against their gender".
Sorry, you can't have it both ways. Demanding to be taken as seriously as men and then demanding a vote "because you're a woman" is nothing short of thriving on the victim mentality--"boo-hoo, they didn't vote me for me because I'm a woman, and I had to remind them umpteen times, boo-hoo-hoo".
However, the Left loves to hammer conservative women. Apparently conservative women candidates ARE seen as mens' equals.
For the Left, men are pigs if they don't vote for the Democrat woman candidate, and they're still pigs if they vote for the Republican woman candidate.
15
Well then, what are princes?
1
I will catch flack for this but .......estrogen hard wires women (as a group) to be more caring, more empathetic, more into 'consensus, more willing to take a back seat so others will feel better.
When estrogen levels drop in mid-life, women start caring less who likes them, become more aware of how the deck is stacked in favor of men (even dumb ones), and become way better at asserting themselves. Menopausal women are a force to be reckoned with, but ageism and sexism pose huge obstacles. Ask Hillary.
11
I have always been bothered by the “pink aisle” in so many stores.
Who decided that pink=girly? And who is forcing it down our throats?
Enough of the pink girl already.
5
An excellent article.
3
I would draw your attention to the fact that Jill Filipovic is wearing make-up in her picture, and looking feminine and beautiful.
6
You know, I read so many comments or letters from fathers talking about "their daughters", I have to wonder if anyone has any male children anymore.
Of course, I suppose they do, but, y'know, they are just "there", not really worth mentioning. Or maybe being males, they don't need much attention or encouragement, sort of like the plant you might have in your house that gets watered whenever you happen to think of it.
3
As long as we separate with pink for girls and blue for boys combined with religious socialization, this will continue to happen!
2
There is absolutely no space in our society for children. People should either think about that prior to having them and understand what they are going to be up against or, better yet, we should all consider whether we might be able and willing to subjugate all of our unhealthy, prurient, violent, morally bankrupt, hyper-sexualized interests for the sake of the health of everyone including children.
Children are not small adults. They are tender and impressionable and exposure to unhealthy stimuli are going to form and shape them forever. I'm so sick of hearing adults claim there is no "proof" that a steady diet of filth we could all live without is harming children. I assume adults go along with this theory because they are too lazy or selfish to consider curbing their own preoccupations.
And, no, I am not a conservative, right wing fanatic. I am a progressive, liberal democrat who believes that promoting healthy, progressive ideals and activities in the public square is the true way forward and that if we really care about protecting the excessive "rights" we have in America we should consider cutting back on the abuse of them voluntarily.
7
Not sure how old the author is? I grew up in suburbia and graduated high school in 1993. Not one woman I know was taught that being “good” meant being quiet. Boys weren’t praised for putting in effort. It was an equal playing field, in which I never saw boundaries.
However, at Barnard College—all female—I saw vitriol hate toward men. Women professors who didn’t think you drank the koolaid retaliated against you. I was shocked. When did the world become Men vs Women? Why not the best person successes?
Fortunately that’s the life I lead now. A business where gender doesn’t matter. It is about getting a deal done. Money trumping gender.
9
Wow. Is this what wealthy families are paying $300,000 to send their kids to Wellesley to learn in Gender Studies courses?
10
Here's a neat Global study of prevalence of sexual harassment, worldwide
http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/25/health/sexual-harassment-violence-abuse-gl...
It is a problem, endemic to being human, it appears. Patriarchy seems to compound the problem. Only a handful of matriarchal or matrilineal societies exist, today.
3
Maybe, just maybe girls ARE different from boys and boys ARE different from girls.
Ever hear of testosterone and estrogen?
13
3/4 of Republican men do not say that sexism is a thing of the past. Not sure who you spend your time with. But i suppose you received your information from outside sources rather than experience. Feminism is sexism, and the men in my family are very aware of it. Especially lately. They are using the victim mentality and running men out of jobs - like my husband. He's unemployed because last week a sexist liberal woman accused his boss of sexual harassment. When he demanded a polygraph, the company fired him and promoted her to take his job in a frenzy so as to avoid a scandal. His boss is a family friend, father of 3 adopted children and recently lost his only biological daughter in a car accident. So, no. You're mistaken.
8
Article fails to acknowledge external factors... the vast majority of these high profile sexual misconduct cases involve men preying on women. Men and women are treated differently.
2
"When children see the men around them in positions of power in the office and relaxing at home while the women are packing lunches, planning birthday parties and scheduling appointments, they internalize the message that men lead and women help"
hmmmm, I have been in the role of SAHM for 9 years and I find the above quote incorrect. I run this household and everything in it - doesn't that make me the leader?
7
"Biology certainly plays a role in development and may also influence gendered preferences, but we are fundamentally social creatures who form identities in relation to our families and communities; whatever natural differences do exist are magnified, and often totally invented, by how we’re nurtured."
Says who? You? And the scientific basis for that would be ...?
While genuflecting to the fact that men and women are biologically different, the author then ignores the obvious conclusions, because they contradict her ideology.
Feminists are delighted to contend that women are different, when it works to their advantage -- advocating for the election of more "progressive" women, on the grounds that women bring something special -- but react with vehemence when it doesn't.
Simply put, if you acknowledge that men are more aggressive, and that there are times when that's an advantage -- or that women, being smaller and having attributes certain criminals value, are much more likely to be victims than are boys -- the argument becomes silly.
6
"Good" girls are women that are taught to remain celibate until marriage. The role of a wife and mother is much more valuable than that of a corporate drone. It is essential to the survival of the race that we reproduce. The traditional division of labor between the man and the woman is most efficient. From a purely mathematical persepective, consider the value of a woman that becomes a doctor and earns millions during her life, versus a woman that acts as a mother, has several children, each male child producing millions in value, and each female child producing another generation of children. There is no contest.
5
With all due respect,
the writer betrays her own ignorance of biology. The writer keeps saying how people are shaped by outside forces, while being ignorant of the extremely potent internal forces of our genes and our hormones. This kind of biology denial is rife in people "educated" outside of STEM fields, or real fields as I call them. With some selected quotes, it's easy to diagnose her:
"gender biases of the adults around... indelibly shape our paths"
"Men... have been raised to"
"Girls are... raised to"
This is all a pure social constructionist view of human behavior. It is contrary to everything we know about actual humans. It is a view informed by radical politics and not actual science. Please, Ms. Filipovic, read up on actual psychology before making such comments on a subject you are entirely inadequate to discuss.
13
Excellent article, although I wish it would have insisted more on how men should be raised differently. One of the major fault lines in our society is that there are no good models of masculinity that do not depend on strength and aggression. Young men are being taught that they should be respectful, in theory, but in reality, most images of masculinity they are exposed to emphasize aggression, power, and unyielding behaviors. When boys face those conflicting messages, no wonder they feel alienated. It is tough to grow up as a woman when this potential for aggression against you is always a threat, but it is even harder to grow to be man, when if you are not the aggressor, society is telling you that you are not a "real" man.
2
During the Vietnam War, soldiers were selected only by their size for the very dangerous job of ferreting out the enemy in the maze of cramped tunnels they dug to evade our attacks. Small men were ordered to enter them. If women of the 1960s had been truly "privileged" as men, then they would have been more often chosen to stalk these dark tunnels due to their smaller frame on average. Be careful what you wish for. Besides, my observation is that women want the privileges that tradition has held for them - they expect men to still open their doors, they expect men to pay for their date, they expect men to give them the contested parking space, and they apparently still make more excuses than men.
8
Genetically females and males are different and constantly evolving ever so slowly. In society, females and males remain chained to the "boys will be boys" theory allowing boys to do as they wish while girls clear the table. Until that changes and the "boys will be boys" theory is forever tainted and never repeated, nothing will change no matter how many Weinsteins are revealed.
3
The author not only misses biological differences between genders, she also omits the substantial influence mothers have on their daughters. I am a boomer who pursued a career in medicine with the support of my first generation parents. I was their only child; they survived 2 world wars and the Great Depression. My father’s WWII tour in the Philippines delayed their marriage 4 years. They saw my survival tools as an education. “Don’t major in English,” my mother would say, “Study science and math, and get a good job. Be able to support yourself, so you are never too dependent on a man’s income.” My mother’s lifetime was littered by stories of men who mistreated their wives; these women were doomed to abuse and/or poverty.
Fast forward to my millennial daughters, who both have achieved PhD’s and are hustling careers. I have coached them how to manage the workplace up and down, to behave within its emotional boundaries. Different rules of behavior are required in the workplace compared to the home such as times for assertiveness, collaboration and mentoring. My point is that the behavior and attitudes of mothers can be a central focus on how daughters compete on the workplace. Three of my daughters’ friends practiced briefly as lawyers, only to get married and stop working; their mothers were all cared for by prosperous husbands. Mothers are central models for daughters and can impact their appetite for risk-taking.
5
I am the parent of a Millennial, and I recognized an important background fact/issue/concept/problem in the anecdote that Jill uses to begin her piece. At the time she was "about 10," American parents - Boomers - largely were not still keeping their daughters intentionally from adventure and growth and fun. The Boomer parents, to be honest, were terror-stricken that BOTH their daughters AND sons would be kidnapped and killed, thanks to stories that were magnified and spread around the country via the media. Many of us Boomers fell for the fear-mongering that was everywhere, and all but sequestered our children in the house, in a day camps, in all kinds of activities to keep them inside. The truth is that there were no kidnappers, there were no child killers. At least no more than in the time of Jill's grandparents or great-grandparents. I'd posit that her father surely did want to keep his daughters from danger, but she probably didn't hear the other part of the dads' conversation about making sure his sons were not done in by some roaming stranger. The fear of losing your kids if you let them out of the house, out of your sight, was an epidemic among parents.
1
I don’t know if Ms. Filopovic has any sons, but I do – three grown ones. And I have five young grandsons. When she writes, “Men…have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression,” all I can think of is how my wife and I worried about what dangerous things our sons might do as they got to be teenagers, if not before, and we constantly cautioned them. And I can see my sons and daughters-in-law dealing with the same thing with their sons. It turns out that boys and young men often have a predilection for dangerous behaviors; far more of them die in accidents than girls and young women. A lot of parents don’t at all encourage dangerous behaviors in their sons; they do what they can to discourage it.
And Ms. Filipovic is off on something else as well. She writes, “If a decade-long pattern holds, more young women than young men will walk out the doors of their college in the spring with a degree in hand.” Decade-long? Actually, it’s been more than three decades. Given the importance of a college degree in terms of earnings and other benefits, this is very significant in terms of how our boys and men are doing.
But Ms. Filipovic’s piece, as well as so many other opinion pieces in the Times, continues the focus of the academy and the media on where girls and women are hurting, with scant attention being paid to the very real problems facing our boys and men --including their higher rates of suicide, addiction overdoses, incarceration, and the like.
7
The author clearly does not have children of her own. I am a father of three young girls and I can tell you that there are two factors at play in a child's upbringing, nurture and nature. The author seems to want to think that nature has absolutely no influence in how we treat our children, and that's not true. I'm all for women's movements, and progressive trends, but the realty of the matter is that girls and boys are different. It doesn't matter that you wish it wasn't so, they are different. That doesn't mean that one is better than the other, or one should be given different opportunities than they other, it just means that nature has produced two different type of people. My girls are everything to me and I will do everything in my power to give them every opportunity to get the most out of this life, but do I think and behave differently because I have girls? Am I a little more protective because they are girls? Yes. Yes I am. That is not a learned behavior, it's part of human nature. A tip to the author, children are not utopian experiments in nature and gender social/physiological differences. They are humans that we parents are so fortunate to have the joy and responsibility to raise into happy, healthy and successful adults. Instead of casting a universal gender-less profile on our children I think we should appreciate and celebrate the differences between girls and boys, the way nature intends.
11
Jill, you are very lucky to be a young woman of the Millennial generation. Things are so very different for you and my daughters than they were in the early 80's when I began working in an office. No, they're not perfect, but I marvel at how self-assured and confident young women are today.
3
A few thoughts on gender differences.
All the mass shootings we have seen have been by men.
My guess wars have been almost always caused by men.
Prison population is 82% male : 18% female. And I would bet that if you look at violent crimes, not low level drug use and prostitution, it is higher.
Not all men are like this, nor even most men. But most of the bad things done in this world are done by men.
By the way, if Trump wants to ban all Muslims because of possible terrorism, maybe we should ban all white males because of possible mass shootings.
12
According to FBI statistics, 40% of domestic abuse attacks are perpetrated by women. Not all mass murders are committed by men. Most are. Women, by and large, are the ones who commit mass murder when they kill their children. There have been plenty of them in recent years, especially in Texas.
2
Scintillating masterpiece. Could serve in English classes as an essay example. May signal this is a breakthrough time. About "princessification", by feudal english custom, the sons of the lords of the land were free to ride up on their horses and rape girls at will. Vassals and serfs prepared their daughters to survive better with the "prince charming" fairy tale. Enough of it. Very young girls have trouble reaching light switches, shelves; using adult toilets, reaching coat hangers, manipulating coat buttons, opening jars. Then if they are not among the first to grasp math and science they may decide to defer and depend on male authority on that as well as on male strength and size. Wind up religious and conservative for operating world view and life plan. Special very early attention and accomodation suggested.
5
My high school juniors will be reading this tomorrow and writing a summary and response later this week.
1
"Well behaved women rarely make history"
4
The author concedes that biology "certainly plays a role in development," but that we're "fundamentally social creatures."
Well, um, yeah, duh--and at the same time, um, huh, what? The absence of a serious reckoning with male and female biology renders the author's generalizations worthless.
3
Well look on the bright side. If girls were “socialized” to embrace risk (really?)there’d presumably be similar outcomes in violence, in accidental deaths, in substance abuse, in crime. I mean, since it’s all a matter of being socialized, you know.
5
Where is the research coming from in this article? It reads like some scenarios out of the 1970s or 1980s. Not an up to date reflection on parenting kids of any gender at all
3
I write from an island in Sweden and read this line by Jill Filopovic:
"Raising children without gendered roles and expectations seems to serve those children well, but that’s tough to do outside of Sweden."
If one or two readers have wondered why my blog is Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com, there in Filipovic's single sentence is a clue. Never in America (I grew up there) can we enter the later 20th Century and don't even consider the 21st says Filipovic.
She says no more about 21st Norden (Nordic countries) and I cannot in the 940 characters remaining so I do this:
Read Anu Partanen's "The Nordic Theory of Everything".
Ask the Editors to bring back Partanen to do what Filipovic does not.
And learn about #metoo in Sweden. Here is a start:
As soon as #metoo hit Sweden, Swedish females of every age and category wasted no time. They are out there showing the rest of the world how "good girls" can bring bad news to perhaps change Sweden forever.
One of many extraordinary "good girl" journalists is Matilda Gustavsson at Dagens Nyheter. She has rocked the Swedish Academy (they hand out the Nobel Prize in Literature) to the core. She got 18 women to tell their stories about being maltreated by a man we call "kulturprofilen" who for decades has been supported by the academy and notably by 3 male members who see him as a model in the world of high culture.
Want to know more, ask me, Gmail at blog (see above)
also-
Dual citizen US SE
1
Such complicated issues. This article pairs with one published in the same NYT issue on the male libido, and inspires some of the same critique.
But it resonates so much for me. Growing up in the 50s and 60s, I was regularly reminded of the things I couldn't do just because I was a girl. Much that I aspired to was outside of the realm of things that "people like us" were allowed to dream of, and my mother informed me explicitly that the only way I could get the things I wanted was to marry a rich man. My mother was much more comfortable being chauffeured around the city by my gay brother because he was a man.
She herself was damaged by this same mentality. As a young woman in the 20s and 30s, she wanted to pursue a business career. Though she and her sisters were unusual in that they were sent to college, her father told her that the only career suitable for young women was teaching. When forced to teach, she conveniently lost her voice.
Her sister was forced to quit the girls' basketball team because their father would not allow her to go on the overnight team trips.
I fought the restrictions in every way I knew how, but still feel timidity and anxiety, fear of risk-taking, that can easily be ascribed to these messages. Or am I somehow biologically built this way? I don't know.
I do know that I cannot go hiking alone without fear of coming around a bend in the trail and encountering not a bear or a hungry mountain lion but a solitary man.
10
“You know, I think if they were boys, I would probably let them play a little farther down the street,” my feminist-minded dad said, in a moment of father-bonding frankness. My sister and I were incensed, and when we got home, we let him have it — how dare he suggest he would treat us differently if we were boys?
-----
So a parent cares more about his daughters than his hypothetical sons, and Jill Filipovic decides this is just one more example of the largely imaginary oppression of girls.
Women in the West already do better than men, often far better in 11 of 12 essential quality of life areas: Longevity, health, health care spending (even after accounting for maternal and reproductive health care), suicide, homelessness, alcoholism, drug addiction, education, favoritism in the criminal justice system, violent crime victimization, reproductive rights (men have none, of course).
Girls in the West, and the women they grow into are the most privileged demographics in human history. Today women are safer even than children, but that hasn't leavened the hysteria any. Men die 10 times as often at work as women, but when it comes to work, we only talk about women's feelings on the job.
Nearly everything most of us think we know about the oppression and men and women is wrong. It's forty years of columns such as this (but never their refutation) that perpetuate the fraud that is a feminism having devolved into mere, special interest advocacy on behalf of girls and women.
5
But the sad truth here is that males (boys and men) do in fact engage in much more dangerous, stupid behavior. That behavior is by and large directed at girls and women. It’d be stupid not to teach each other to be protective and avoid taking risks among thugs. The issue is how can we eliminate this kind of behavior in men, not to encourage it in women!
5
Ignoring the genetic differences of males and females undermines this Opinion.
As a group, males are bigger,stronger, and more aggressive than females.
Females carry developing humans for 9 months and nurse and nurture the newborn.
Females and males differ emotionally and mentally due to genetic differences also.
Testosterone is different than estrogen.
Sexual harassment and abuse needs to be condemned and the perpetrators punished, but expecting males and females to act and behave the same is non-scientific and irrational.
8
Wow. Your father did what he did. To claim that all/most fathers do that is a leap.
I sang to my son, read to him, spoke to him analytically as well as emotively, taught him to take reasonable risks dependant onon his abilities as I saw them. sent him to learn martial arts and practiced with him, pushed him to succeed in school, to follow directions as appropriate (somewhat problematic), etc.
I had no problem with the items he wanted to play with as a child and would have been happy had he chosen dolls or similar - he wanted only huge trucks and the largest water gun in the store. He had a few dolls given by relatives and used them until age 2, then set them aside. In a judo competition at age 7 he had one fight against a girl his weight who almost beat him at the opening; the audience erupted in cheers for the girl. I shouted to him to fight with her as if she were a boy; he proceeded to a choke; she tapped out.
But - the audience was disappointed, the girl lost.
The only sexism I have come across in the past decade is that of "feminists" who are OK with discrimination as long as it is against men. I briefly dated one who was furious when I said equal pay for equal work and divorced parents get 50% of the kids and contribute equally. Vesuvius!
No!!! "Kids need mothers, not fathers" and "You only want the kids so as to not pay support".
Nothing like equality is there?
4
let's not forget when women seeking equal rights in the 60's conveniently "forgot " about the wonderful man's Selective Service !!
2
Ed Watt: They let 7-year-olds do chokes and armbars these days? I thought these techniques were prohibited until the kids were older.
1
This gender bias continues throughout life. When, in my late forties, I married a man in his mid-sixties, I was met with questions that would not be asked of a man. "Are you still working?" That question, from a politically liberal, female psychologist in her late sixties, rankled. My husband was and still is working. He had and has a very good salary. The idea that his wealth would somehow drive me to quit a successful career at such a young age, hogwash!
3
While I liked your article overall, I was somewhat surprised by your opening about your dad. As a dad myself, I agreed entirely with his comment, but not because of some bias against my daughter, but rather the realities of child abduction. Almost 75% of stranger abductions are of girls. Moreover, almost all of them occur on streets (http://www.parents.com/kids/safety/stranger-safety/child-abduction-facts/). Consequently, it is more dangerous to allow young girls out of your site than young boys.
8
Exactly. I have 3 daughters and 1 son. I worry far less about my son being abducted than I do my girls. That’s just statistical reality - not gender bias.
1
This piece, and The Unexamined Male Libido, are two thoughtful examinations of our current male/female social environment. Both editorials are useful philosophical road maps for parenting. I believe my social circle attempted these models with our own, now grown children. Progress may be slow, but it's still progress. Thank you NYT and Jill Filipovic.
I like the essay and most all of its points. I love the writer's honest and caring father: having two daughters, 10 and under, seething over an instance of their father's imperfect feminism meant he had been doing most everything "right."
There is a lot of lip service to equal treatment, but reality is stuck in a time warp, with massive resistance to women fulfilling roles of power and leadership. In the US we now have to watch as a misogynistic man models bad behavior to inspire the worst.
One specific thing I don't agree with is that risk taking and aggression are learned behaviors. You can learn to fake them, or learn to get them under control, but wide variation exists which is hard wired into us. One difference - men on the whole are exposed to more exposure to testosterone,which affects even simple body structure - e.g., length of fingers, the prototypical masculine square jaw) - and aggressiveness.
A high level of risk taking is NOT always ideal in life; it may be requisite for founding a new company, but an obstacle in future planning - or in relationships. There are different skills; ideally children should be shown how to use ones they have - and how to complement them.
When parents and teachers act according to inner biases they are shaping future behaviors to conform to those biases. It is NOT that boys have it easier; it's that girls are pinioned by social mores to be nice in social situations when they need toughness, and the ability to hold their own.
2
Thank you for this wonderful article, excellent observations and recommendations about reconciling the male female double standards. They are a result at work and at home from nurture, not nature.
I had hoped things were changing when it came to how parents take care of children in the younger generation, but twice this year I have witnessed up close, young families in which the mother is clearly the almost 100% caretaker of the children.
I watched a young couple at a party in which the father spent 100% of his time playing music and socializing with others while his wife spent 100% of her time taking care of their infant son.
On a long plane ride from Europe to the US, I watched a young family with two children, one a baby, the other a 3-year-old and for almost eight long hours the mom was the one who held that baby. I think the father held the baby for about 30 minutes. I would've been ready to go insane by the end of the flight if I had been that mother.
I know those are only two examples out of the millions of couples out there but it is disheartening as they were both highly educated professionals. I don't know what needs to happen for things to change, but they must.
3
I think when the woman stays at home in the beginning, which often makes sense for infants, the roles become further entrenched to an unhealthy extent. With no maternity leave and one (likely demanding) income which cannot be jeopardized, the return to work becomes sort of a mirage and increasingly difficult. It seems like demands on both breadwinners as well as mothers today are heftier than they were in my parents' times.
1
This article is overly simplistic and very naive. I have two daughters (no sons), and from the beginning I tried to raise them to be more independent and aggressive (in a positive way) than the traditional female norms.
Things did not turn out as planned. They possess most of the characteristics that the author describes in being a "good girl." However, in retrospect, I'm not surprised, as they seemed to possess innate "female" characteristics from the get-go.
The differences between the genders is not just anatomical, and we are doing our society a disservice by not accepting that inconvenient truth.
8
Nicely expressed, and I doubt there wouldn't be concurrence that your words deserve the will, and courage, of proper action, so women can become co-equals with men, truly free of the shackles a macho society imposes on them. Just look at the beauty pageants we have created for our benefit, treated as cattle to be bought and sold at our ill-will. The abuse of power denounced recently as sexual harassment has nothing to do with the beauty and joy of sexual activity, when consensual. We are sexual beings, social animals that ought to derive pleasure from a man-woman interaction where freedom and justice are but pre-conditions, so to exercise fully what life has to offer, where touch is required to show affection and our feelings of love towards each other. The brutality being denounced, although culturally accepted thus far as just 'pecadilloes', must be harnessed until the time comes, perhaps in a generation or two, when we parents are educated well enough to impart parity in how we raise our children. We humans are really a man-woman duality, co-equal opposites that complement each other fully, able to transcend our imperfections and insecurities, and grow to maturity with mutual support. I know, hope springs eternal. Still, worth the thought.
1
FINALLY someone is writing about what I've been saying for decades - Baby Boomers created this mess by raising girls differently but not boys!
I wrote a comment a few weeks ago about my husband's obvious privilege which received several comments asking why I'd married him. Perhaps those replies are answered now with statistics, considering one of every two men my age that I'm likely to meet believes I should exclusively be "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen."
I won't be surprised at all if the number of "fatherless" artificial insemination babies born in the next decade skyrockets.
2
Horrors, the sexes are being treated differently, despite being identical in all respects. Can't imagine why.
3
Two hundred years ago, women in the home were caring for and often educating huge broods, processing raw foodstuffs for consumption and executing other countless largely human-powered processes. Now, by comparison there's hardly anything left for them to do. As for modern upper middle class women who invest most of their energy in developing hyper-successful children, their efforts are catastrophic for the social mobility of the classes below who cannot compete with the time investment. At the same time, women's considerable talents are urgently required beyond the home. And they are occupying a huge proportion of valuable slots in university programs.
So, while borderline-chauvinistic feminists such as Filipovic frequently have me gripping the arms of my chair and howling with outrage, I actually get to the same place as this piece, via a very different route. I care not a fig for gender equity, per se; but I believe that talented women are a highly valuable resource who cannot should be squandered and need to be channelled into more valuable undertakings.
The jury is clearly still out. In a hundred years more our descendants will know whether women's preferences and interests proved to be sufficiently culturally malleable that girls could be shaped to take up a proportion of positions in high value, intensely abstract and analytical fields commensurate with their talent. But it's worth a shot.
In the meantime, girls should indeed be raised to be ferocious competitors.
1
The rather tiresome aspect of otherwise excellent articles, such as this one, is that when discussing all the work done at home by husbands and wives, there is incessant cant about the difficulties of packing lunches, doing laundry, cleaning, changing diapers, and making meals but nary a word -- much less a paragraph -- about cleaning gutters, changing oil, fixing bicycles and raising their seats, changing furnace filters, emptying pipes clogged by hair, coaching teams, teaching daughters and step-daughters (and sons) how to change a flat or shoot a squirrel, buying sports or musical equipment, and on and on...all after a full day's work, as well. The notion that women do so much more in the house seems to so often -- preposterously -- negate the work men do outside the house and to simply keep that house standing. If we're attempting to abolish cliches and stereotypes for the betterment of both girls and boys, why not chuck that one onto the dung heap of ill-begotten parenting beliefs, as well.
7
I understand what you’re saying about traditional gender roles in the home. Perhaps you should consider different examples. The tasks you attribute to women are daily, hourly. The tasks you attribute to men are seasonal. That comparison is not helping your argument.
6
Not really. As anyone who has ever had kids and/or owned a house knows, what you dub 'seasonal' activities are a never-ending cavalcade of responsibilities: Does cleaning the gutters take just one day? What about fall window cleaning and applying storm windows, on top of the gutter duties? Then, of course, fall also brings raking the leaves, (right?), which is never just one day or even one week, but goes on for several weeks. Of course, one must also trim branches hanging too close to the house that might fall in a winter storm. Well, getting up into a tree and doing the cutting, not to mention the subsequent hauling (as well as a trip to Home Depot because your chain saw needs a replacement blade) is likely a full two or three evenings, or a Saturday into Sunday. But you can't just do the trees, because you are also coaching the daughter's flag football team on Saturday mornings in the fall before going to the twins' orchestra practice in the next suburb. But, then, your wife's car needs an oil change this or next weekend, because she just went past 3000 miles (a non-seasonal occurrence, particularly since she travels).
And that's a tiny sliver of autumn, which doesn't even address the fact that the pilot on the furnace keeps going out and needs to be addressed, particularly as temps are dropping, etc.
Do we really need to look at the next season that you say doesn't help my argument? Winter, shoveling, basketball, wrestling. It never stops and it's just as grueling.
3
Implicit in your message, Rebecca, is a denunciation of the importance of those, what you call, merely 'seasonal' tasks, which implies a denunciation of the role of men in the home environment, because the 'home' has traditionally been defined as meals, kids, laundry. Don't we all know that 'home' includes garage, pipes, burners, tables, chair legs, bicycles, refrigerator coils, leaky roofs, mowing, shoveling, driveway re-coating, mailbox fixing, washing machine leak-fixing, gluing ornaments that some kid knocked off the tree, cleaning the ash out of the fireplace, hauling 8 tubs of ornaments up from the basement (and back down, come Epiphany), and on and on? Isn't it slightly naive to think that diapers or meals are any more significant to the well-functioning home than fixing broken latches on kitchen cabinets, building the kids' tree forts, rewiring the new DVR in the family room, and teaching teaching Suzie how to repair her own flat on her bike?
2
A very good article. A couple of points that seem to have gotten less treatment are 1) Boys also can be victimized and many may be, and 2) a lot of the harassment that we see in today's culture is part of the socialization of boys and girls. As long as fathers back-slap their boys and tell them "attaboy" when they accomplish sexual conquest, the notch-in-the-belt culture will continue. The author here addresses the "nice" girl phenomenon that inhibits girls from going after what they want in every arena, including sex. Americans are prudish, and our sexual interactions are stilted, which seems to enable much of the power play type of interaction we see today in our culture.
1
While I agree on the whole with Jill's points, as the parent of boys, I've been on the sidelines watching what I can only describe as a massive effort to address the social pressures/issues that young women face. Meanwhile, there's a lack of recognition that the same issues apply to boys. Far down in this article, she makes a reference to that then quickly moves back to the girls, girls, girls theme. I do get that. I was raised with all of the gender stereotyping she describes. But we as a society have to also face the fact that we push boys just as hard to fit into the masculine, boy mold. Any sign of sensitivity is stamped out, for fear our sons become the target of ridicule. If you're lucky enough to live in a semi-enlightened area of the country, your kids might escape this fate. But on the whole, America is not comfortable with anything other than a boy-boy. One who plays sports, ideally very aggressively, talks smack and keeps any softer feelings he might have to himself. I cannot tell you the number of times I've watched other boys and other parents more or less tell my more sensitive son to "man up" and "quit talking like a girl." Until we stop coaching our young men to channel all emotions into anger, we will continue to have to prepare and protect our daughters from aggression. That's the bottom line.
82
Thanks for pointing this out. I couldn't agree more.
3
Lipstick, mascara, and other make up, perfume, jewelry, ridiculously unfuctional clothes and shoes all for the purpose of looking attractive. And the long hair. You should see the hair on the women. All the men at work have shaved heads, crew cuts, or very short have because it is functional. Women can't help but to try and attack males and the author dismisses biology as almost an after thought.
And women are much more emotional. Who can honesty say they have never had a bed experience with a woman, be she a wife, girlfriend, mother, sister , classmate, co worker, etc. who was having her period?
2
As a woman, I have always wanted to avoid the lipstick, mascara, clothing, shoes, etc. that are culturally defined as "feminine". However, I also needed to be employed and socially accepted and women who don't don this uniform of supposed femininity are rejected as aberrant, probably by guys like you.
Oh, and more "emotional"? Who can honestly say they have never had a bad experience with a man, be he husband, boyfriend, father, brother, classmate, co worker, etc. who felt entitled to express his anger when something didn't go his way?
4
Without entering the nature/nurture debate, It's important to carefully consider the environment within which we are raising our children; the real one in which we currently live, not the environment in which we might want to live. The most recent news reported by the NYT among other media tell us that this environment is far more dangerous for some than for others; and that these differentials are not random but depend on, among other things, race and gender. To ignore these differences is irresponsible. Kudos to the father who kept his young daughters closer to home than he might have kept young sons. Kudos to the Black parents who teach their children the pitfalls in maneuvering through a white society.
1
To some extent, behavior shapes biology. We know that in the developing brain, stimulation of some centers of the brain causes them to grow more than other centers so that they are more active and produce greater brain activity. But the reality is that women and men are biologically different and that hormonal differences are a significant factor in behavioral differences. No amount of effort to stimulate stereotypical male behavior in women as group will overcome these hormonal differences in the group. It may have a difference in a few women who might want a career in male dominated occupations, e.g. Infantry marines. Women dominate certain professions like nursing and teaching. But I never hear feminists arguing for increasing the number of males in those professions, only that we need more women in STEM jobs. Children aren’t balls of play dough, which parents can mold in their own self image or in the image of the life they wish they had. Let kids be kids and give them the freedom to find their own way in life. No girl should feel that if she wants to be a Mom and a wife, there is something wrong with her.
1
I hope women will continue to be women, and behave like a woman. Robots are coming along but the world will still need real women. I am a man, and proud of it. I make no apology.
1
What if we had more discussion on how we raise sons instead of how we raise daughters?
We can start by recognizing our biases in how we treat them and protect them over our dsughers, sisters, and other women.
I've seen mothers quick to defend their sons while expecting more of their daughters. Loyal and long suffering daughter in laws of 20 years tossed aside during divorces. Parents stepping into deans offices to request pardons for their sons while their sisters suffered for lesser infractions. Overlooking their son have sex in high school, but closely monitoring their daughter and shaming her for months.
We can also stop mixing our messages. To this day, many men, young and old, seem to feel shame and confusion over stereotypes they believe they should fulfill. Negative consequences can be depression, addicttion, and poor relationshiips; there have been expressions of destructive public rage.
Are young men in this 'enlightened' age still told one thing...that they can be whatever they want to be, but get competing messages? Are 75% of men breadwinners because they feel they must be?
Boys need the right conversations so they will become men who grow up knowing their boundaries and who are less confused about who they are supposed to be as mates, sons, and ptofessionals.
If we refocus on boys...
Might this be a better solution for workplace issues?
Happier men...happier families.
3
The volume of strong psycho-active chemicals each gender consumes daily from their biologically different body parts impacts their strength, size, shape, and sentience. Welcoming the differences and nurturing both is a difficult role for parents but yields so much for society we must promote it. Statistics and bottom lines show the benefits of "Girl Power" everywhere in business and culture so let's make our world a joint effort.
The real issue is not whether some or most girls are different from some or most boys because of nature or nurture. The real issue is one human being taking advantage of a more powerful position to exploit, demean, and dehumanize another and society condoning it. Powerful people in our government and Hollywood not only condone such exploitation, they brag about it. Look at glorified "Casablanca." With whom does Bogart walk off into the rain? a sexual predator.
4
Scratch beneath the surface of a North American male and you will find sexism. I wanted to be a tool and diemaker but the union said nobody would take a young woman as an apprentice. I was the first female in my high school to get into a drafting class. The school wouldn't let me take the automotive repair class. I was constantly being told I couldn't do this or that and the reason was because I was a girl or female. All of this combined made me question authority alright... male authority. And at 68, I still do.
8
This article drew attention to something beyond the nature/nurture debate; it pointed out the complexity of being subjected to rules of behavior when they do not correspond with the whole of one's nature.
2
What is a successful life? Is success individual? Are genders different? In what ways? In what ways not? My wife and I benefited much from C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity. We found a way to be equal and different. Take a look at Ephesians 5 and see which gender has any advantage. I'm not a good example of a husband, but I've had an ideal to shoot for: self-sacrifice to the point of death... for the good of my wife. She's a strong woman; she'll tell you the truth if you ask. Without some exterior, objective notion of what men and women are designed to be and to Whom we owe our opportunity to live a life, we won't understand what stewardship vs self-centeredness is about.
2
It's time to revive the Equal Rights Amendment. In light of the current debate on sexual harassment and unequal pay for men and women, why is it that no one, not even the woman who ran for president in 2016, has troubled to mention the ill-fated Equal Rights Amendment. Until that is revived and fought for by men and women alike, we will continue to muddle through in this aggressive and selfish American society. We will continue to passively allow our children to be used as cannon fodder, continue to minimize the importance of universal education, and to refuse health care for all. We, both men and women, have currently opted for a society of winners and losers, not a society of morals and manners. That is why so many women voted for Trump, despite his track record with women and business.
4
Thank you for this article. Yes, the gender roles are engrained, but awareness is the first step in change. The more we discuss and ponder, small shifts in attitudes will take hold. It is not a picture in black and white as generalities tend to suggest, but I am hopeful that the floodgates that have opened up from women sharing their sexual harassment stories bring about serious aha moments and deep reflection of our existing norms.
14
Good piece.
Respect for the individual, where and when appropriate, should
inform all mothers and fathers in their parenting experience.
May be wishful thinking for this device driven era.
Good luck to all.
1
Mother in law who is 85, was utterly fond of her father as a young girl she would rush to greet him when he came home from work, always surrounded by relatives or co workers (he was a senior official and a workaholic). He would immediately shoo the little girl away, go inside, go inside, girls should not be heard or seen. The consequence of this repeated daily encounter was that my mom in law could never be comfortable in mixed company and she struggled to shed her shyness in the presence of her husband of 60 + years who was very social, colorful, humorfull and gregarious and loved to surround himself with folks of all stripes, their house being a revolving door with one guest after the other.
3
I have no issues with the REALITY of being female, but from the time I was a small child, I have resisted the artificial restrictions imposed on us. I just don't play that game. If anyone has a problem with that, well, it's HIS problem, (or, sometimes, her problem), not mine. I'm happy with my situation.
There were some little girls collecting at a local grocery to fund their cheerleading ambitions. I didn't contribute, but neither did I tell them why. The "why" would be: when there are little boys out there collecting money to fund their cheerleading for girls' teams, I will contribute to both. Not until.
The business of being an adjunct or auxiliary to male endeavors? No, thank you. I have my own things to do.
4
There are seriously important issues that Ms. Filipovic raises in terms of our society and how we comport ourselves as men and women. However I take some issue with the notion of equality that she puts forward. It rings of "sameness". It is as if each person is stamped out of a mold. My point is not to so much to disagree with Ms. Filopic as to the frame the issue as one of respect and individuality rather than equality. After all we are raising human beings in contexts that are continually in flux.
3
The conflicting messages of: Be mighty and be good. I'd definitely add to that ..."and be beautiful." As much as parents don't want this to be true, girls get this message all the time as they grow up, and also inadvertently (or more directly) in their own homes.
14
My! This article shows what a dreary, over-ideologized world we live in! I want out!
The real issue isn't gender equality. It's economic equality. While we chatter on about gender identity, the plutocrats are taking over the country, and will turn practically all of us into wage-slaves, male or female.
12
Enough idealizing Scandinavian countries as exemplars of all that we should emulate. "In 2016, more than 80% of managers at listed Swedish companies were men and not a single new business on the stock market had a woman boss...women still take more than 80% of a couple's parental leave while their first child is under the age of 2. Women also remain much more likely to work part-time than men. When it comes to the wage gap, Sweden is close to the OECD average and drops to 35th place on the World Economic Forum's gender equality ranking."--BBC
8
@ Carolin Kost - All the author did was name Sweden, nothing more. I have a comment waiting review, will link here when accepted.
I am on a ferry so cannot provide a full reply so just one mini reply. You note that those who take paid parental leave in Sweden are mostly women. So tell me about paid parental leave in Florida.
Only-NeverInSweden.blogspot.com
Dual citizen US SE
Many of the comments seem unduly focused on the biological differences between the sexes. Such differences are undoubtedly present, but lots of other biologically influenced variables (such as temperament) also have a big impact AND at the same time are shaped by social learning. Ultimately, women and men are far more alike than we are different and there is no reason we can't learn to communicate better -- especially about sex. Unfortunately American culture continues to be very squeamish on the topic and young people don't have good models for how to have respectful yet matter of fact conversations about even the most basic things such as consent and birth control. As a result, confusion and misunderstanding grow and the gulf can widen over time.
While it's true that better communication and understanding would not stop the Harvey Weinsteins of the world, neither will thinking of each other in terms of "predator and prey." I appreciated the author's point about sharing our own biases and attitudes. Approaching each other first as *people* seems an important element in fostering gender equality.
5
Excellent. Very much needed. Timely. This is not just about feminism;it's about being fair and impartial. There is still work to do in our society.
3
Alas, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
2
Women still allow men to define their acceptability as females. Men tend to be intimidated by assertive women. There cannot be two men in the family so to speak.
And another article blaming all women's problems on others, usually men. Perhaps someone will have the realization that the real breakthrough with sexism will be when we stop blaming and let people take responsibility for themselves.
6
Articles like this hurt women. By claiming that differences between men and women are strictly about how they are raised, they once again, for the umpteenth time, put the blame for everything on parents, and in particular mothers. Boys and girls are different, their bodies are different, their minds are different. You can't "raise them" in a way that will make those differences moot. Every society in history has had to treat men and women differently, and to find ways to protect young women from aggressive male sexuality. To pretend that our society does not need to find a method to do so as well is pure fantasy. It burdens both young women and their parents with impossible expectations.
12
Yes, men who are aggressive jerks succeed at a greater rate than women who are the same. Yes, there are more of them too.
But who doesn't like a nice guy? Despite the old adage they don't always finish last. Many men use manners and social and emotional wisdom to succeed. We like them better too.
It is reasonable to want this from all people regardless of gender.
A desire to achieve is not exclusive of good people skills. Girls and boys ARE different and they can both succeed on their own terms. Yes, there are biases. Let's not make it a monolithic issue that they can't.
This article stated many 'facts' with no attribution at all, but they sure sound like cliches I've heard many times. It's a huge topic and deserves better treatment than this simplistic and stereotypical article.
2
karate and judo lessons for "Good" girls is the answer.
4
As a male physician, I have to say that well more than more than 50% of current medical school students in the US are women, and have been in that statistical majority for the past several years. I work every day with talented, brilliant women, and I think of them as peer physicians, not as "female physicians." The reimbursement from Medicare and insurers does not take into account the physician's gender, so payment is inherently equal. Any differences in income are therefor manifestation of differences in specialty choice and choice of hours worked, not any inherent gender-based inequality of pay. In addition, most physicians today are employed and are on productivity-based compensation, with no built-in payment enhancements for any seniority. I get paid the same per unit of work (called RVUs) in my 25th year of practice as someone in their 1st year out of residency. I cannot speak for other professional fields, but where I practice, 3 of our hospital CEOs are also female, so any reference to old models of built-in gender bias no longer applies in 2017, at least not where physicians and hospital CEOs are concerned. One might raise the point that most of the burden of child-rearing in their families still falls on the strong shoulders of professional women, but I also know 2 female ob/gyn physicians whose husbands are stay-at-home dads because those women are the income breadwinners in the family. So the demographics have already evolved, at least in medicine.
10
For a doctor you sure do generalize. I have female friends in medicine who had to take time off in crucial parts of their career to give birth and attend to ailing parents. I don't think the picture is as rosy as you paint it.
1
Agree -I see the same.
The author seems to consider many of our gender biases as the responsibility and fault of the parents. As parents, my wife and I thought a great deal about this issue when our oldest daughter was young, but no matter how hard we tried we could not get her to prefer blue jeans over pink dresses. It was one of the many things she has taught us: As parents, we are not in control of her gender preferences.
I also think that wagging the finger so violently at parents for not raising their children "better" when it comes to gender biases perhaps inappropriately raises gender issues above more universally important parenting concerns. And the supposition that all parental relationships would be better if they modeled gender equality for the children is simply not true. There is no "one size fits all" rule to relationships. Humans are too wonderfully diverse for that, be it male or female.
10
I am struck by how many of the comments harp on the centrality of biology as something that is immutable. The question I would ask is where do we place transpeople who resist binaries? Their presence illustrates how "biology" is itself constructed and that we should hesitate before assuming that the body and instincts are "natural" and inherent. I am, of course, giving a simplistic version of Judith Butler. But behind all these claims about the importance of biology, I sense defensiveness. All those progressive readers (myself included) want to avoid admitting that they have participated in little sexists acts and comments. Each by themselves are easy to toss aside. Together they reveal how systemic sexism is. In terms of the structure, they are a part of the edifice in which assault and harassment reside. All those successful female professionals out there, terrific moms, both...all have resisted, deflected, and endured microagressions. But just because you are successful, does not mean that the patriarchy isn't stacked against you. Thank you Ms. Filipovic.
7
Biology is not infinitely mutable. A simple thought experiment. Evolution by natural selection is well established. If women chose mates who were kind and empathetic then men with aggressive behavior would not exist in gene pool today.
It doesn't mean biology is destiny. As a society we have tamed quite a few repulsive biological instincts - slavery for example. But we never eliminated it completely. Our biology is imperfect and ignoring it won't get us to where we want to be.
6
This article reflects the pervasive view in our society that women are caring, sensitive, wonderful people, etc. This is utter nonsense. For example, I can remember, in elementary and high school, females bullying other females and, where possible, males. I actually reported one (teenage) girl for bullying a younger female and then (teenage) girl then started trying to bully me (ie. spreading lies). That is the true face of women. They can be just as self-centred (or not), ambitious (or not), etc as men.
Contrary to this article, there are lots of examples of men not being aggressive. For example, Kevin Spacey has a huge number of male victims and these (male) victims reacted the same as Harvey Weinstein's (female) victims. Being male did not give them any better methods of protecting themselves. I know that feminists hate this, but it is reality.
18
Certainly women have been systematically oppressed throughout the ages. Things are (slowly) getting better.
Seems to me that boys are needing the real attention these days. Girls outnumber them in college and professional schools. Girls have substantially higher graduation rates from high school and college. Good for them! But something is wrong with the way we're rearing out boys.
2
Dare I say something that's not conducive to the current social media sensibilities?
As some of the comments have alluded to, why isn't enough attention being paid to the biological argument? Are all the current crop of accused - Weinstein, Franken, Rose, and the not so famous ones - result of "wrong" upbringing? Is it possible to treat their transgressions as a biological abnormality, as defined by the current societal norms - a form of mental illness?
I don't think we will ever to be able to resolve this fully without understanding the biological underpinnings. A good hint is that it happens in other species too. How can we protect women while accommodating the biological diversity in men?
- in the short-term we have to advise our daughters to be careful in the world they way it is and raise awareness of the issue as it is happening now
- in the medium-term society has to further stereotypes that respect personal boundaries - from parents to their sons, in pop-culture, through role models; it's misguided to "turn" boys into girls or the other way
- perhaps they should have social clubs where the men who need it can act out their aggression in a fantastical environment
- in the long-term women should "choose" to mate with kind, empathetic and compassionate men; that would be biologically sound and will eliminate aggressive mutations for good from the gene pool
2
How about the uncountable number of women who use their looks and sexuality to advance their careers? Do we talk about/criticize that or are we just letting it slide in light of this newest wave women-are-perpetual-victims movement?
16
Add to that the token women. What I have seen through my career is that independent women hardly compete with man directly; men always put another token women in between to defend their benefits. So it becomes women against women, with man collecting all the benefits.
2
Not to mention all those books on “success in stilettos.”
1
I get the author's main points and agree with some of what she has to say, but her lead example is a poor fit. Nothing about young girls or the way they are raised can equip them to reliably fend off (or even recognize) an approach by an older, criminal-minded, testosterone-driven male. Oh, and then there is kidnapping for sex enslavement. These are key reasons fathers (and mothers) worry over the whereabouts of their daughters.
1
I feel lucky to have been raised by an overextended single dad. He needed my sister and I to take care of ourselves because he often wasn't there to help us with every flat tire. Not only did this teach us autonomy, we were raised without any notions about the roles men and women "naturally" fall into. I'm not always dainty or agreeable, but I'm also not helpless. So that's something.
6
As a millennial woman, I relate to this on so many levels. My parents both worked full-time when I was growing up, and they told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, which is the same advice they gave my two older brothers. Although I still constantly receive reminders from my parents to “always be safe”, “stay with friends” and “text me when you get home” that I doubt they send my brothers
Now, as a physician, even though women make up almost half of current medical students, we are still subject to subtle societal pressure to choose specialties that are “family-friendly”.
We have come a long way in the past few generations, but I know we still have a ways to go before we can truly say that society treats all genders equally.
7
Your article suggests that girls need to be given the environment that will allow them access to what can only be interpreted as the “superior” male world. And yet women who manage to inhabit that coveted universe, frequently choose to leave it when the demands of motherhood call. Our socitial ills will not be cured by buying trucks for little girls, but for valuing the roles that women already fill. Men and women are not the same, and maybe don’t want to be treated like men. They should , however be treated as equal.
13
In his homily during Thanksgiving Mass in the Albany, NY, cathedral, Bishop Edward Scharfenberger struck a theme of civility and warmth, and made a passing reference to the recent advice by the Girl Scouts that girls should not be told or encouraged to hug people. (Advice with which I heartily agree.) I winced when the bishop said, "I don't know why the Girl Scouts had to say that." (And a double wince for that coming from anyone in the Catholic hierarchy, with its recent and appalling history.)
On my way out, I told the bishop, "Here's why the Girl Scouts said that: They are preparing little girls for a life in which most of them will have at least one episode of abuse, assault or inappropriate behavior. My own list of those incidents, bishop, is about two feet long." To the bishop's credit, he apologized.
I am female, 60, and learned a long time ago that being a good girl gets you nowhere. Had I been fortunate enough to have raised a daughter, I would have taught her to be on the lookout always, never put up with rude remarks on the street (I am still telling men what to do with themselves when these remarks come my way, which they still do; the ferocity of my response never fails to shut them down) and be prepared to protect herself and head off aggression the minute she sees it coming. She might not have been popular in school or at work, but she would have been tough, which is what you have to be to survive.
10
Though this essay has a lot of optimistic and practical suggestions, one constant and very real danger seems to be papered over. "What girls don't learn is how to be the solo aviators of their own perfect, powerful bodies," and etc. in that paragraph.
In every species there are predators and prey, and I think this is not going to change. Females are generally physically weaker than males, and they need to continue to be taught that physical attack is a very real possibility walking alone at night (even sometimes in the day), hanging out in a bar, or angrily telling off a guy who's just made a lewd remark or action. And yes, young women (alas, girls of 13 and 14 as well) in thigh-high, spandex skirts/dresses, low-cut or tightly-fitting blouses/sweaters strutting their stuff in the mall may well catch the eye of a predator. (Please no screams about covering up--there can be a balance, and more importantly, an awareness.)
Some of my 20-something feminist friends are outraged when this kind of suggestion is brought up. Shouldn't they be able to go where they want, when they want, dressed as they like, and say what they want? Well, sure. I'm all for should. It's just that everyone's not signed up--i.e. the predators.
I live across the street from a beautiful park. Sometimes late at night, I look out at it and long to cross the street, lie under a tree, and contemplate the stars. I don't do it. Shouldn't I be able to? Yes. But it's not safe.
8
CMK: Check out my comment, above yours. I have been angrily telling off men for lewd remarks and comments for years. I have threatened to call the cops if they persist. Well, I have been doing this for 40 years, and I have never had one of these men come after me; in fact, they back off immediately. I think that my actions send a strong message that I'm ready to defend myself, and that I'm not easy prey. Ignoring these jerks doesn't shut them down; spinning around and telling them you're about to call 911, with your phone in hand, and asking them if they want to hang around and get arrested, never fails to shut them down. What did I do before we all had cell phones? The exact same thing. The threat to call the cops does not shut them down; defending yourself and making it clear that you are not going to tolerate their crude remarks does. As a former reporter, who did a lot of police reporting, I had to go into "bad" neighborhoods, alone, often at night, all the time. I'm of the "Take Back The Night" generation, but that attitude has worked for me. And yes, I also backpack the Appalachian Trail solo.
3
_Life_isn’t safe. And conditioning girls to constantly be afraid guarantees they’ll be afraid to meet neccessary life challenges no amount of sheltering can protect them from. Better to risk (and possibly die) on one’s feet than live on one’s knees—and that’s true for women as well as men.
2
This article spoke to my life.
I was raised to be a "good" girl. Had a blissful childhood with a stay at home mother (ex teacher) and working class father. My extra curricular activities were piano, swimming and tennis. I couldn't live without my dolls, books and painting set. As I got older, my academic ability was nurtured and I was always told I could be anything, to strive to reach the top of the corporate career ladder. Graduated from one of the top universities in the country. Entered the finance industry and despite having out-performed constantly based on numbers, have spent my time (figuratively) banging my head against a brick wall to get recognized and promoted - while constantly being punished for not fitting into the "helper" role. The only successful women I've seen have removed almost all their femininity to "fit in with the boys" and many of them grew up playing aggressive contact sports which I am certain has helped their fearlessness and assertiveness.
12
"While girls are being taught to be emotionally competent, they also learn to be responsive to the needs of others — not a bad thing in theory, except that it can cross over into subservience. When boys aren’t learning the same, it’s adult women who end up serving as caretakers for adult men, both in their homes and in their workplaces."
This is a shortsighted observation. For example, prior to the inventive organizational skills and trail blazing work of women like Florence Nightingale and Clara Barton it was men who traditionally took care of the wounded men of war. Florence Nightingale essentially invented the practice of nursing as we know it today. It became a woman's profession through her efforts.
2
But Nightingale and Barton were outliers. The vast majority of women were taught to be angels of the home and live under a man’s protection. You can’t judge how all women live by those who break the mold—the exceptions always prove the rule.
2
What we have here is a problem with reading comprehension.
It doesn't matter if they were "outliers", or not. That is not the point of my comment.
"Biology certainly plays a role in development and may also influence gendered preferences, but we are fundamentally social creatures who form identities in relation to our families and communities; whatever natural differences do exist are magnified, and often totally invented, by how we’re nurtured."
You are a very intelligent person. Please add this to your contemplations, from a biologist: Our "Biological" aspects are so deeply basic that- we rarely talk about them, or consider how they might be different. Far more "basic" than our sociological components - which are almost the only thing we talk about, think about, and think should be different.
The larger amount of talk does not make the sociological components bigger or more important- and certainly not more basic. The two are just different- and we deal with them very differently.
That often leads to false perceptions, and false hopes. We could- talk about the biology more- but the current push is to ignore it, and claim that we humans, superior species that we are, have now transcended it.
That can never happen. Biology is with us all our lives long- not just "in development." We don't dare forget it.
6
I agree with so much of this article; however, the sad truth is that because it is more dangerous to be a girl out and about, parents do have to be more cautious with a girl coming home late alone than with a boy. I hate that this is a fact, but it is.
4
It is much more dangerous to be a boy and be out and about. Male violence is much more dangerous to other males than to women, especially when it comes to being out late at night.
1
I am a female PhD Biochemist. My progressive parents said I could do anything and encouraged me to follow my dreams. Reality smacked me in college/graduate school. Professors, not all but enough, would speak condescendingly to me while my male peers enjoyed their praise. In graduate school, a professor had an affair with a fellow student, got her pregnant, and then tried to cut off her funding when she refused to terminate the pregnancy. The school, fully aware of the situation, did nothing. He was an esteemed professor and she (and I, who was dependent on his lab for my degree) was a lowly female graduate student worth little to the school. I fought to complete my degree and then, still naive about gender/discrimination biases, headed off to a highly regarded institution on the West coast. Bam, more of the same. And sadly, this fiery “little girl” learned that I had to be gentle and acquiesce and smile; otherwise, I was labeled difficult. I was truly confused, and I questioned myself constantly. As the years passed and several career steps later, I often hear, “She is politely aggressive.” In meetings, I push forward-I speak my mind but I am always aware and wary of the males around me who interrupt (and hit on me). I have two sons now, and I hope that I can teach them how to be respectful of everyone - every color, every race, every religion, every sexual preference, every gender-and recognize that everyone has value and worth and can contribute to the world.
24
I believe your story.
I always think that academics are more egalitarian in general than the rest of the world.
To whatever extent they are, it is not enough.
And terribly disappointing.
We are cheering for you even if it cannot help.
6
Ah, saved, only daughters. But they all are very different from each other. Now what is the explanation for that?
3
So many commenters here, in objecting to the author’s assertion that nurture plays a large role in determining how boys and girls’ behavior are shaped, make sweeping statements about how boys “naturally” are and how girls “naturally are.” Do not imagine you are able on your own to detect and account for the constant socialization and gendered influences acting on your children from all sides, even almost certainly from you, despite your professed feminist beliefs. The truth is when your daughter destroys another child’s LEGO creation in public with other adults looking on, you probably respond subtly differently from when a son does it, despite your best intentions. These gendered influences are constant and ubiquitous and send strong messages to children who are sponging up adult guidance in learning how to act.
Also, supporting these biological claims with statements like “women are weaker than men” misses the fact that any such claim is only at best an average. While I am physicallystronger than many or even most men, there are plenty of women who are physically stronger than me. Individuals are not averages - there is no need to pre-judge them based on their sex or gender. We can simply assess their strengths on their own terms. There is no need to use their sex or gender as a shortcut when deciding how to treat them.
5
Maria - such assumptions and stereotyping. Yes - most of the women I know WOULD LOVE TO STAY AT HOME and raise their babies. They feel conflicted working rather than being at home with their babies, especially during the first couple of years until their kids are grade school age. They also feel as if they are working TWO full time jobs - away from home and then when they get home to the kids.
6
Great article.Despite having grown up with extreme gender bias in the South, I wanted to be like my brothers: well educated, athletic, intellectual and most of all- respected. I have litigated sexual assault cases,been guardian ad litem for abused children-babies-, represented abused women, fought racial discrimination all the while representing businesses large and small.I mentored both women and men.The gender bias in the courts, medicine and all of business was overwhelming at first. I had to dig deep and think of my brothers.
My husband and I made sure we educated our sons to appreciate "women" and respect them for both their intellectual and feminine qualities. Appreciating women's sexual qualities came naturally,but we made certain they understood that "no" meant no.They learned that males were just as adept at cooking and washing clothes as women. Women were treated with equality and respect. That said, in individual relationships we advocated that there was room for negotiating. Sadly, gender bias continues unabated. Many women like it and fail to see that it is in fact harmful. The psychological impact wastes the lives of many women and robs our country of needed talent.The converse of that is the negative impact gender bias has on men. The men are robbed of truly meaningful relationships with women both in friendship and sexually.Our society and culture are the real losers: how many real princesses do you know?
11
The article makes me uneasy. While the theme seems praiseworthy, the arguments are couched in identity politics. The article says we should not generalize about girls, but then it proceeds to generalize about everyone else. There has to be a more useful way to move this conversation forward.
13
Another whole aspect of this is the way that the shift into adolescence seems to harden boys. Despite the common differentiations between fashion, toys, activities, and general personality/emotional expectations that children face as children, it isn't until adolescence that boys often face the harsh social exclusion of being anything less than traditionally masculine. Over the course of ages 14-18, I found that less and less boys my age seemed open to being emotionally transparent in the way they were in late elementary school and part of middle school. It wasn't until I moved from my home suburbs to a major city that I found men (many in the arts or lgbtq communities) who seemed okay just being more transparently emotional in social situations.
I wonder to what degree we're really discussing urban vs. suburban and rural life in these discussions of gender right now. As much as I grew up in a liberal place with theoretically pro-gender equality/LGBTQ views, it wasn't until I moved to a city and began to coexist with people of more diverse identities and gender expressions that these ideas actually impacted me.
11
We have two daughters, one a civil engineer, the other in sales. They are both different and unique and live their lives in entirely different ways (other than both have children and both work). The message from us to both of them growing up was the same (as far as we can discern) and they still took entirely different paths. On my side of the family, the women have been strong and independent, working outside the home for four generations. On my wife's side, all stay at home mothers. Both daughters were encouraged in being themselves and not be affected by peers or societal norms. Who knows which influenced our daughters?
8
My 10 year old granddaughter dresses in boy's clothes and has short hair. She is frequently mistaken for a boy. I have been surprised at how differently she is treated by strangers ( at the park, fast food counters, etc.) when they assume she is a boy. When they think she is a boy, she is called Buddy and talked to with camaraderie and treated as a young man. When she looks like a girl, the talk from adult strangers is more condescending and about her appearance rather than abilities. It has been very eye opening for me, and i understand why she wants people to assume she is male.
64
We are all born into a less than perfect world.Boys are brave,girls are sweet,old people are confused,dogs are not free ,the rich sometimes have bad parents and the poor struggle to survive.Life is a tough thing and everyone has challenges some more,some less. That is the deal and it is not my fault or yours.Would you rather be the daughter of rich sexist or the son of poor revolutionary? I raised my children to expect hard things and learn that the choices we make are constrained by a fear of pushing back against the barriers we all face. Perhaps the fact that this article is in Times shows us that growing up as a girl America is not really so limiting. I am tired of #poorme.
20
The writer seems to attribute everything to nurture, neglecting half the equation: Nature. Let's start by recognizing fundamental biological differences between male and female and direct our efforts to bringing the best out of both. Let's work to develop character and community, honor and respect for both genders.
33
oh, it's half the equation? Please cite to the scientific peer reviewed research stating that genetic differences account for "half" the differences in men and women's behavior.
Thanks in advance.
3
When men give birth it will all change.
10
Are you willing to give that up, and stop being a martyr?
This can be turned around:
"When women start dying, on average, at least a decade earlier than women, it will all change.....".
1
As a female worker in a highly male field I can attest to this treatment. I am expected to be the "good girl" which means I should not dare give my opinion. Just be a good soldier and do as I am told. I have ventured to the "bad girl" realm (e.g. started giving my opinion, speaking up at meetings) and paid a dear price to my career. I was looked at as a rebel. Oddly enough I did nothing different than the men at the table but apparently I'm not "supposed" to do that. I am deeply troubled as to how or if this type of behavior will change. As the article says, my bosses wives are mostly stay at home and I feel their is some sublimal power struggle going on. I represent to them someone who should either not be in the work force or just executing their orders. A very confusing circumstance for women in today's society indeed.
44
If you think all the men at the table are doing “the same thing” you had best stay quiet until you learn better just like every other rookie who doesn’t know up from down. Any man who brought that attitude to a table of men would not last a month.
Use competence as an end run in the way too pink world. Wires, electrical, car repair, tools, spread sheets, accounting and any other skill (often taught to boys, not girls) plus go for sports that have no gender requirements (curling has waiting lists in MA).
I did this by accident when I assumed the car repair manual (it came with basic tools) with my VW bug in the 1960s meant I was supposed to take out spark plugs and change tires.
Having been robbed three times (luckily at knife point) I can tell you the guy lost. If you love a fight it helps. You exude that. The sexual predators have antennae for that too and don't try. But guns win tho and no one pulls one fast enough to defend themselves. So does big money and career destruction.
7
AS the sister of four brothers who were all equally expected to excel professionally in the outside world and be kind, respectful and responsible individuals, I can only say, what is wrong with people. It is not that hard to think about do unto others. Simple and concise.
In the 1960's when they told us we could "have it all," I smirched and said "Nay, we are just going to do it all." Certainly turned out that way for me, but not for my brother's wives and daughters.
I am almost 70 and frankly i worry about our sons more these days than our daughters. We taught them all to be assertive and never tolerate abuse. However there are predators on both sides of the fence. Folks, just all be careful and kind.
20
“One of my mother’s best friends, who was an elementary school teacher, used to say that she liked the “bad boys” the best. It always proved to me the assumption that it was better and more fun to be bad than to work so hard to be good. Our early education hierarchy is still mostly female. But pointing fingers doesn’t help because children spend time at school and at home. Parents and teachers, men and women need to be a team working on education and self-awareness. There are charter school testing grounds for this type of teamwork going on all around the country now. Time will tell if it is working and supportive interest will help it to go on. “
2
I'm all for questioning gender roles, but the problem starts with patriarchy -- with the system of masculinity that privileges male authority, We raise girls to be princesses because women are more likely to "succeed" in patriarchy if they look and behave in particular ways.
It's our boys we need to raise differently. Whether it's sexual predators, mass shooters, or terrorists, you see men who believes they're entitled to something better than they have. Nothing will really change until we fix the problem of modern masculinity.
27
Male authority—if we choose to embrace that half baked concept as a universal prescription, which grown ups do not— privileges competence. Above all.
It is easy to understand why.
Assume you are in Syria or Iraq on any of the billion sides of the conflict. Would you prefer to be led by a competent leader in combat or an incompetent one? In politics?
1
Sexual predators, mass shooters, and terrorists pose problems for all of us. They comprise, however, only a small percentage of us. Pretending that calling these outliers examples of, rather than exceptions to, modern masculinity will help solve anything is unhelpful. Most men, like most women, generally live unexceptional, relatively orderly, and decent lives. Most men, like most women, suffer ups and downs at school and work, many of them undeserved. Some women, like some men, believe they are entitled to something more than they have; these people are unpleasant for all of us. None of this is to say there are not real problems and real unfairnesses that women face in particular. However, asking us to pull together, to be for each other, to be accountable to each other, might be more helpful than proclaiming that princesses, terrorists, and mass shooters define the problem.
Growing up with 3 brothers I learned to stand up for myself. I was far from a "good" girl. Parents were divorced. Our father was not in our lives at all. Our mother was tough which toughened me to where I became the woman I am. Have a daughter that was raised to decide for herself what she was interested in. Never put any gender expectations on her. She grew up with a mother that was an aircraft electrician. So she knew that she could do ANYTHING! As she told me, "you were a bad ass, steel toe boots, jeans and tee shirts working on airplanes, no one I know has a mother like you". Her father and I made sure she could change a tire, jump start a car, and mainly not be take advantage of because of her gender. I have and will always fight/stand up for woman who need the "push".
25
About a year ago, I read in these pages that men prefer daughters because teaching the codes of new masculinity, which they may not have themselves mastered, to sons proves too fraught and the consequences too dire if done incorrectly. Which is it, NYT?
7
This is the opinion section. The answer is "both".
13
Can you name all the metrics by which boys are trailing girls?
6
I'm one of three daughters raised by black parents. My dad did the cooking and helped us with all things school-related; like making our lunch and seeing us off to school. At home we never got this gender-apartheid message at all. None of us ever got or owned a doll. Dad bought us trucks or musical instruments or sports gear for Christmas. My mom worked and we were raised to be prepared to take care of ourselves. I don't know how common an experience that is but when the default expression of white people's (usually white men's) misogynoir is to say Michelle Obama/Serena Williams/Maxine Waters/insert competent black woman name here/ is a man then what you're describing--being granted certain graces for your womanhood-- doesn't sound so bad.
16
Take home messages:
1. If you don't want your sons to be sexual predators, raise them up to act like girls. (Hogwash)
2. Dads should do their daughters a favor and engage them in physical play and roughhousing....really rough. (Hogwash)
Men and women are different....period. This is good, not bad.
14
Your comment affirms exactly what is being discussed in this article. Namely, that boys should be taught to be as emotionally intelligent and reflective as girls, lest they miss the point as you have clearly done.
37
There is a bell curve of masculine and feminine traits. All women are not ... and all men are not ... Why do they have to be?
13
“boys should be taught to be as emotionally intelligent and reflective as girls, lest they miss the point as you have clearly done.”
Mirror, Joanne, Joanne, mirror.
If “girls” had superior “emotional intelligence” to “boys” then we would not have another column that assumes the “girl” writer knows all about what the “boys” do when the writer and most commenters do not grasp the basics of boyhood realities and how things get done even as they lecture out if cluelessness. Even with some women who know their own fathers and brothers and sons saying, wait a second. You got this wrong. This is superior emotional intelligence?
Privilege is earned.
The father was trying to protect you. He was not trying to give into some cultural bias. For heavens sake.
Equality is all very well, but it’s wrong to tell women that they can ‘have it all.’ If you are going to have children, you will need someone to support you during the times when you are ill and pregnant and can’t go to work, or when your kids are tiny and need lots of care and you can’t work. This isn’t sexism. It’s just biology.
26
Why does a woman need to be supported when she has young kids, but you assume a man does not?
Why assume a woman can't work when she has young kids?
Newsflash: your assumptions, which are totally wrong, are sexist. Thanks for your valuable contributions to equality.
Hello, men have kids too. Why aren't men held back by having kids? Oh, right, because men have set up the world such that women take on that entire burden and men don't have to. (And then, cleverly, men have even convinced women that this burden is THEIR fault and THEY should suffer the consequences of childbearing--lost wages, lost jobs, lost career opportunities, because they "chose" to have kids. Ha! What a racket.) Until men stop insisting that women bear and raise their children as free labor, there will never be equality.
7
So you got angry because daddy felt more protective of his little girls. What a stupid thing to get indignant about. I was married for 15 years, and I know women have strong bodies, but still my heart sank like a cement block one time when my wife fell and let out a big yelp. If it had been, say, a brother falling and yelping, I wouldn't have had quite that level of horrible feeling. So men can't help it. Is it because they think you're inferior? No, it's because we can't stand to see a girl or woman get hurt. Why not get over it instead of looking for new things to complain about what you perceived to be condescending.
18
Wrong "Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression."
Your whole article on how boys are raised does not apply to all of them by any means. These guys out there that have been and are doing these things to Women are pigs! They are not real men nor are they even close to being a Gentleman. However, most females seem to be attracted to jerks and not the guys that are nice. And some of us nice guys couldn't talk when we were young as we were shy around females. And would have never treated a female in the manner of what's going on. When is the media going to get as concerned about Men that are sexually harassed?
8
Any man who declares that “most women like jerks” is a man who 1) knows nothing about real women, 2) thinks being “nice” entitles him to women, 3) isn’t really nice.
2
Filipovic writes that girls should, "feel entitled to sex they actively desire themselves, instead of positioned to either accept or reject men’s advances." But would she write the reverse: that boys should, "feel entitled to sex they actively desire themselves"? And isn't that feeling of entitlement part of the current boys-will-be-boys problem to begin with?
22
Your whole underlying premise is that everything is socialized
What if you're wrong
57
In regards to humans, there is almost nothing that is instinctual with regards to behavior. Humans even have to learn to take care of their young from other humans, it is not instinctual as it is with animals.
Phew! good thing we have actual scientific research to tell us she's right. I'm sure you're relieved now. No, actually, I'm sure you're just irritated because you want to believe that all gender differences are biological, and therefore you can continue to perpetuate sexism in society and not have to evaluate your own behavior or attitudes. Great.
3
There is no evidence that socializing boys to be non aggressive has ever made them as aggressive as girls. There is not a single demographic of the world that has ever shifted any measure of aggression to demonstrate the possibility of the roles being reversed. There is however plenty of reason to conclude producing 10-20x as many anabolic steroids in their blood generally makes boys more aggressive. Just look at the huge gender gap in scandanavia. By all means treat children the same, but don't act like women have a harder time talking about sexual abuse because of sexist socialization. That premise is completely false and self serving.
Quite obviously men have a much harder time talking about sexual abuse then women. Does that mean we are actually socializing them to be too passive? Or do you throw out that line of reasoning for boys, and blame socializing them to be tough to account for their unwillingness to admit to being abused? Because that is the definition of using irrational means to rationalize the preconceived bias you're attempting to prove in the first place.
1
This is an insightful article about an important topic. However, I wish the victim tone were a little less obvious.
Women need to take more responsibility for what is occurring by perhaps dressing more modestly (TV anchors sleeves, puhleeeze!). Also, might be helpful to cut back on the makeup obsession, which leads to vanity and not necessarily science projects (see "Young and in Love … With Lipstick and Eyeliner," NY Times, by JULIE CRESWELL NOV. 22, 2017).
And, if Harvey Weinstein, or some such creep, violates you immediately go to the police.
Finally ... why Charley Rose's producer Yvette Vega (a woman!) gets away with excusing his behavior by saying: "That's just Charlie being Charlie" I'll never know.
Stick together ladies. We are stronger together!
13
Maybe it's just me, but I don't notice when women on the news are, or are not, wearing sleeves.
4
Everything written here could have been accurately espoused in 1977.
5
Ah, petit bourgeois America, land of superficialty! The radical feminists who included my best friend's Mom, head of the Pennsylvania chapter of NOW during the 1970s and 1980s, would have put it more succinctly. Mommy can do everything that Daddy can do, in every way, except that Daddy can't carry a baby for 9 months. All this hyperventilating over pink aisles and microanalysing every interaction between the genders won't help. Because America is threatened by its own terminal shallowness and the lack of intellectual curiosity evinved by everyone who spends more time playing with an electronic toy in social media, points to our inevitable decline.
9
In a weird way I appreciate my horrible dysfunctoonal family because I was never trained by those people to be a good girl. I wound up doing all kinds of risky guy-type things like working on the Ski Patrol, working in a bar owned by the Mafia, going to graduate school in physics, and sleeping on top of Half Dome when a storm was on its way. I have so many incredible memories, I would never trade my life for the life of some corporate good girl.
5
Not so keen on the blaming of sexism on stay at home moms. Maybe the problem is that our society devalues unpaid work.
145
Thank you. This really sums it up pretty succinctly. This is a complicated topic and could be covered so much better. There is nothing feminist about devaluing childcare and the work women have traditionally done, and it's a trap so many people fall into when criticizing sexism, ironically. We can acknowledge some gender differences without enforcing them and without devaluing them.
5
I'd recommend Ivan Illich's neglected classic "Shadow Work." In the prevailing pseudoliberal order, being outside the cash economy is a sentence to oblivion. Of course, it takes time to assimilate countercultural insights, no matter how obvious. Illich's critique of the cash economy appeared only about 37 years ago. Our "nimble" culture will get around to addressing some of the major points . . . sometime soon.
1
Yes. The work that women have traditionally done is not seen as real 'work'--childrearing, child education, home and family management, community building. In the feminists' idealized world, there are two parents whose primary function is to be economic engines, and all those chores are outsourced--to low-wage women.
4
Girls aren't forced to act this way (good and powerful) at school. They choose to because they are hugely rewarded for it and it suits their natural talents. Any decent high school student gov. now is run by girls; they dominate AP courses, college admissions and degrees.
Boys for at least a decade or two, are clobbered by the structure of schools.
12
“Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression. Girls are taught to protect themselves from predation, and they internalize the message that they are inherently vulnerable; boys move through the world not nearly as encumbered and certainly not seeing their own bodies as sources of weakness or objects for others’ desires.”
As clueless about mens and boys lives as a born blind is about sunsets and sunrises.
But the born blind typically don’t lecture on seeing. The adult onset American careerist feminist is different.
And for those who do not know feminists come in many non American careerist types, one word: Read.
7
Seems you are as clueless about the lives of girls and women as you claim the author is about boys' and men's lives. Or, more likely, you really just dont care...
6
Amazing to see such ugly backlash to the idea of feminism in 2017! Far from outdated, it seems that gender inequality has worsened in our culture since the 1970s. The dismissive comments on this page are good examples.
10
Debussy
I don’t care for anyone who first chooses ignorance and second lectures others and third gives themselves a win for being more caring. Regardless of sex or gender.
Firstly, there are biological differences between boys and girls; both in their bodies and brains. One is not better than the other, but there are things that (on average) one sex will do better than the other.
Second I believe the major problem with the younger generations in this country is the family structure itself. How do we expect to raise gentlemen if the examples for men in important and desirable positions are creeps? Bill Clinton was president. Actors and musicians are idolized for bedding dozens of women.
Who do young boys look up to? This is how we get to the current "hook up" culture.
Yes we need to raise strong women that will speak up and fight against sexual harrassment and assault. However until we teach our men how women should be treated this behavior will continue.
Unfortunately many feminists would take offense to that last part as patriarchal.
7
One word: Trump. And by NOT saying that one word yet pointing fingers at feminists, you've revealed your true colors and intent. Patriarchy, anyone??
10
Andy, you get one thing almost right. No one, male or female, young or older, should be looking to certain cultural icons as true role-models all the time. Role models for their industry? Maybe...maybe, but not across the various spectrum's of importance. Unless, these people show extraordinary examples.
Case in point. Athletes can be role models for those wishing to pursue athletics, either professionally, or as a means to enjoy team play in school or otherwise. An actor can be a a role model for those wishing to act. And even a politician too.
BUT no one, in any profession should be seen as perfect, even in their own professional endeavor, but most certainly not across all important spectrum's. No matter how much they hype themselves as perfect in all spheres of life. No athlete is a perfect person off the field/court. Actors are only actors of make-believe, and not arbiters of morality, or whether or not children should be vaccinated. And politicians should not be moralizing from their perch.
But the key to knowing this - IS THE FAMILY. It is the PARENTS,Aunts, Uncles, Grands, etc- responsibility to point out that their children's "heroes" are not heroic, and certainly not perfect.
The whole notion of role-models is over-hyped in the US. We give too much power to individuals who might do well in their profession,but are like the rest of us.
And we abuse the term "hero"in the US. Its like the word "love" and adjectives like, "tremendous, awesome, bigly," etc...
1
I don’t know how popular or well known “Pippi Longstocking” of the deceased Swedish author Astrid Lindgren is in the US.
I loved it as a child just as my son did. I can only recommend the book & movie with the underlying message “girls are strong, do not mess with them”.
Seeds of self respect and self worth are planted early in life and this is one fun instrument to help doing it.
12
Time for equal pay for equal work.
9
I know plenty of stay-at-home mothers who are raising fantastic, kind, sensitive, sweet boys AND girls. Maybe they don't want to drop their kids off at a daycare at 8 a.m. and pick them up at 6 p.m. just to look "strong" to their daughters.
15
When I was a little girl, I knew I could be anything I wanted to be: dragon-slayer, explorer, leader. As a precocious reader, the line spoken by the wraith-slaying princess from The Lord of the Rings, “I am no man”, before she cut off its head, is still my favorite.
Yes, girls are different. I found this out when I started growing breasts, and the gut-wrenching cat-calling started. This is when I started dressing like a boy. I was going to be a leader. I didn’t need to be degraded in this way. Dressing like a boy helped, but it didn’t keep my physics professor from trying to cop a feel when I was 17, and it surely didn’t keep me from all the nay-sayers in my life who laughed at my interests in becoming an academician, which I ultimately became. When I was raped at a meeting, I was reminded how different men and women are, yes I was.
Respect really doesn’t care which gender you are, folks. I resent those who say boys and girls are different, the tone somehow suggesting that we can and should objectify and take power from girls. I am excellent at what I do, in part because I am female and how I see things as a woman. But my world tells me that the work I do is less relevant, less important, less worthy because I am female. Folks, work is work. As long as we downplay what women are and what they do, we all suffer. We all deserve respect, we all should be heard.
26
Two men finish college for every three women who do so. Men are over 9x more likely to be incarcerated and 6x more likely to be shot dead. There are lots of things to improve in society's treatment of girls and women but the larger loss of human capital and bigger concern should be for boys and men.
6
Also what percent of mass murderers are men? If not 100% then very close. We've had our time and don't deserve any help. Perhaps women can save our country and our planet if it is not too late.
5
As the mother of a grown son and daughter, I can tell you that the difference in childrearing attitudes was down to rape. My son could walk home at 3 am without fear; my daughter had to be alert to sexual predators. Of course i transmitted my fear to my daughter -- that's reality. It's a reality that follows every female into the street, the workplace, and even the home. It is folly to pretend otherwise.
15
And the author's point was that we fail to teach our boys NOT to rape. We do, in fact, raise them to think they are entitled to control women's bodies; some take that entitlement too far. Our daughters would not have to cower at 3am had society done its job properly. THAT is the column's point and that is the reality.
9
Teach them not to rape? You think rape occurs because the rapist doesn't know any better? I understand that young men can and do take advantage of the sexism stemming from the good girl/bad girl paradigm (that, yes, is alive and well on high school and college campuses ). However, a criminal fringe group of males chooses to act as predators because it turns them on. You really think there can be a world free of danger to women walking unprotected at 3 a.m.? You think there'll be a day when there is not violent crime? We can just teach people not to commit such acts? Teach all you want, but society will always have some predators, and women had better never lose sight of that.
1
Is this a joke? What parent raises his/her son to believe that a woman’s body is his? Maybe it’s the movies? Japanese anime? A missing biological chip? But I do not know a single parent raising a son to believe a woman’s body belongs to him.
You don’t mention a salient fact about kids: raising them is an interactive process that depends very much on their own individuality. They’re forming themselves more than you’re forming them.
As to women conditioned to acquiesce to men, a college girlfriend was systematically abused as a child by an adult female relative who sometimes had charge of her. One could observe and she acknowledged that she had real problems asserting herself with women, especially alpha females, but was hypercritical with men. When I suggested she give the criticism a rest to keep the peace (as I did) she pronounced the idea ridiculous. She once said she needed assertiveness training to deal with men but you couldn’t prove it by me.
Boys unencumbered? At 16, never having had an encounter with police, I was taken with a bunch of other somewhat rough looking guys to tour the Texas prison for 1st offenders. From 16 - 24 I got rousted (no arrests) about once a year.
Boys allowed full expression of rage? Not hardly, that leads to hospitals, morgues, prison.
You say “[G]irls don’t learn ... to feel entitled to sex they actively desire themselves.” (1) Entitled? You might oughta rephrase. (2) Clearly many have, and when as women they bring alcohol or undue pressure to bear (I’ve experienced both) it’s just as problematic as when a man does it.
4
Here in rural Montana, girls are raised to be independent, assertive and risk takers. My friends and I are farmers, ranchers, IT techs, doctors, law enforcement, carpenters, hunters, engineers, etc. Some are teachers or nurses.
At least here, most men don't seem to expect (or want) a princess. Perhaps if girls had to participate in something like the Israeli Defense Forces, they would get over the publicly assigned girlie role and learn to be independent and capable. And the boys and men would take it in stride.
15
I don't know about you, but I was born 60 years ago and my parents taught me to kick, scream and slap any man who got 'fresh' with me - especially if it was in public. Politely excuse myself when a man is disrespectful?? I don't think so!
20
More victim-blaming and blanket generalizations, I seem. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but conflating rape and sexual assault with someone getting "fresh" is disingenuous at best. Insulting, invalidating and insinuating are more appropos descriptions. Oh, and some of us have even more age than you and don't cop that outmoded, backwards attitude that excuses the male's role and puts the onus completely inthe female.
4
Cool. I'll scream and kick my boss if he "gets fresh" (you sound like my grandma, and that's not a compliment) with me. Let's see what happens next! Oh! I'm unemployed! Weeeeeeeee!
Thanks for the phenomenal advice!
1
Thank you for making a nuanced argument; some men are indeed swines, and women indeed are socialized differently, face inordinate visible and invisible biases. Neither do we live in a fair, gender-neutral environment. All true.
As a guardian, I do worry about my daughters more than my sons when it comes to sexual harassment and personal safety. When I say: "please behave" to my boys, I mean: "please try hard not to hook up a NO2 canister to the intake valve because you think that is hysterical." When I say "please behave" to my girls, I mean: "please avoid dangerous boys, use protection or just please abstain, and call me anytime if you need a ride home."
About as guilty as your parent, perhaps much more so.
But honest conversation about gender is impossible today; the hysteric reaction from the "axe to grind and know nothing else" segment drowns out reason. I am in favor of throwing the book at men who hurt women.
What I want to know is, what is done to women who hurt men?
Did you really think "he looked at me funny" statement by a crying girl will not precipitate a lynching today? All depends on what the crying girl and the presumed "looker" look like, and where she screams. I live in dread that some female I am talking to will suddenly scream "rape" and no one will believe me. Hence, I am never alone with any woman who is not my wife or daughters. These issues are not equivalent; but this is real too.
Kalidan
11
Men and women are physiologically different. Our sex hormones shape different developmental pathways for not just our bodies, but our brains too. The resulting sexual asymmetry creates a lot of the friction that we’re describing in the media nowadays. These gender dynamics are as old as time, and the result of billions of years of evolution. They have allowed our species to flourish against innumerable challenges over eons. While rape and assault are crimes, and should be punished, different approaches to sexuality aren’t bad or good—they’re simply different. Too bad some people can’t appreciate this innate tension for what it is—nature.
6
We cannot possibly know how different they truly are because women's sexuality is repressed and used and controlled by men and society from day one. Pointing to "how things are" as proof is entirely overlooking that it only proves "how things are" in society.
1
Jill sees a problem : male success. She assumes men are raised to be this way. Nurture and not nature. What if she's wrong and Nature dictates our basic behaviors? Jill's answer is to raise girls to be aggressive self-centered beasts.
5
SF the fact that you think the author finds "male success" to be a problem says far far more about you than this piece. Your sense of unearned male entitlement is screaming between the lines!
6
You did mention our culture which is a big part of what we learn and do.
ARE all men really "raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression" though? There are plenty who are not, but they are, coincidentally, always ignored by the girls.
Boys and young men simply can't win. Women have bad interactions with men because women care so much about trying to associated with handsome, wealthy, or powerful men. Newsflash! Those men are the least likely to be kind men.
If women are so annoyed with the way men treat them then maybe they should stop seeking out the men most likely to treat them poorly? Women love to complain about how terrible men are and then they go and date and marry the most terrible of men, usually for money and status. It's the same as those men out there who complain that women are "crazy" and then go on and date and marry those same women, usually for the woman's beauty.
This gender tribalism is getting tiresome.
14
I have trouble reconciling the belief that differences in behaviors, interests, and careers between women and men are solely due to cultural factors with the fact of transgendered individuals. If male and female brains are no different, than how would someone born with an XY chromosome feel like they were really a XX person, or vice versa? The genes say one thing, and that genetic makeup would be reinforced by societal expectations. Yet despite all that, some people feel very strongly that they are of the opposite sex. How can this be true if there are not differences between the male and female brain?
3
It's no big deal, really, that the Boy Scouts will now allow girls. I want the boys to join the Girl Scouts. Boys have more to gain (and it will benefit the girls as well) from learning how to work together, respect every individual, discipline their power/sexual drives, listen to others, serve others - the list could go on.
3
I'm a transgender woman and I wish I had a gender neutral upbringing.
I knew I was transgender very early on in my soul. However, I convinced myself that I couldn't possibly be actually transgender because I didn't like girly stuff.
See, I liked trucks and fighter jets and playing in the mud. I loved skiing and camping and Boy Scouts (I'm a Eagle Scout). I loved guns and risks and being loud. I always raised my hand first and I loved competition.
As a teenager I was so confused. I knew inside that I was a trans woman, but it didn't make sense because I didn't fit into the gender roles society told me to have.
It took me until I was 25 to finally transition, and it was the best decision I ever made. Today I am happy trans woman who still likes shooting guns and being loud. I love 4x4ing and own a custom Jeep Comanche. I wear mostly jeans and don't ever wear makeup. I'm even dominant sexually a lot of the time with my transgender wife.
I realized that gender roles are a bunch of bunk, and I'm proof of it. If someone can still be transgender but basically hate all "girly" things, then gender roles are made up by society.
3
The media, advertising and entertainment industries also need to change how they present women. They are often the sex object or if they are the main character in an ad or film, they are one that is chasing a man, wearing short skirts or covered in makeup, cleavage exposed. Halftime shows of football games often feature a group of women in tight outfits dancing, while the men compete. Pop and rap songs often feature lyrics about what a man is going to do to a woman. Pop culture, informed by media, advertising and entertainment, do our daughters and sons an enormous disservice by reinforcing awful stereotypes and visions of what a popular girl/woman is. Parents can do their best- I know I try hard with my daughter- but our culture fights us every step of the way.
5
Wow! I didn't realize that by staying at home to raise my children I was ruining their chances to be free of gendered stereotypes.
I thought that having a loving and respectiful relationship with their father, having my contributions to our family respected as much as his, and presenting myself as a strong opinionated woman who had expectations of both of them to succeed and be kind and loving people, was doing the best I could.
I guess instead I should have worked full time while advocating for better childcare and hoping that the inadequate childcare available to me was good enough for them in the meanwhile,,gosh I feel so foolish now, thinking I could make a choice for myself and my family and STILL be a feminist. Just sending the wrong message I guess. I should probably call them up and apologize for burdening them with traditional gender roles. I'm such a dumb bunny. I should have realized that raising children was such a pointless waste of my time. Gosh...I feel pretty bad about it.
11
You realize you are imposing that interpretation on yourself? And that outside the north country you might have made different decisions?
6
You realize I was being sarcastic and am happy with my life choices and how great my children turned out?
And yes in other areas it might have been sooo expensive to live that we never could have afforded to raise a family unless I went to work outside the home.
But why is it not feminist to want to be able to choose how you live your life without the work that you do being considered devalued and a BAD EXAMPLE to your children because it falls into traditional female roles. Isn't that devaluation of the work involved in having families and children a lot of what holds women back? Either they do what I did and are subject the simplistic scorn of women like our young writer here, or they struggle against a society that supports their families not one whit.
4
Only a completely unfit parent would not teach their child, girl or boy, how to protect themselves in the real world. The talk was the same for boys and girls in our family. I do not understand why Mr. Filipovic feels it is right to NOT tell girls to watch their drinks, don't walk alone, and so on. I see that as failing your daughters to the extent that one might consider that you dislike them. And yes, the boys in the family were told the same thing along with do not touch a girl/woman who has been drinking or might be drunk. They were told to call her parents, her sober friend, or us to come get her. We also told them to leave because it was too dangerous for them to be around drunk women. We also tell the girls it is dangerous to be around drunk people.
We need to stop this girl/boy sexism thing. It is really easy, treat everyone as a human being. Set rules of what human beings do and don't do. Then set consequences for not following those rules. Laws need to be followed and law enforcement must act to prosecute those who break the law. All human beings must ensure this happens. But we will see no progress as long as we insist that there are women/men instead of human beings. We also need to have more, not fewer, parents teaching their kids how to protect themselves.
5
I hate the good girls. Ever since I was unfavorably compared to the local good girl at age 10. That eye batting, smiling little manipulator that was held up as the shining example of what good girls should be. But as we all know, good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. I've been everywhere. It's been a great ride.
5
Why can't women (and men) be mighty *and* good?
When I went to see Wonder Woman, it wasn't seeing a strong woman wield weapons and fight that brought a cheer to my heart, it was was seeing that strong woman declare her dedication to standing on the side of love that did it.
A feminist all my life, I am done with the twin canards that plague women; that they can't and shouldn't compete with men on a level playing field and that they must cease to be "good" in order to do it.
This idea that good = subservient has got to go. Yes, women need to stand up for themselves. Yes, women have to be aggressive when the job calls for it and they must not be ridiculed for doing exactly what a man is expected to do in the same situation, because they aren't living up to some artificial standard of femininity used to block them from accessing positions of power.
But the road to empowerment for women must not mean having to giving up the strengths that being good gives people. Women must refuse to let the traits that make the feminine side of humanity strong, powerful, and nurturing be trampled as they compete for jobs and authority with men. Men, too, benefit from not having to constantly put down their own gentle strengths.
Women must bring their own strengths to the table. The world needs more goodness, not less.
6
As a child I was such a good girl at school that teachers would punish bad boys by seating them next to me. (No one seemed concerned about what kind of a message that would give me!) I admired the boys who acted up at school, and wanted to be like them. The only reason why I was a good girl was because I was too shy to be bad at school. At last, after 22 years of single parenthood and being taken advantage of by repairmen and contractors in my own home all those years, I can stick up for myself. I hope it won’t take the girls and young women of today as long as it did me.
9
One of the judges on the appellate court before which I practice once asked my boss, a man, why I was so aggressive. He told the (woman) justice that was my job. Somehow the spine I developed from some hard knocks growing up and from watching parents who stood up for fairness and justice was not appealing ( no pun intended) to an appellate court. Why was my outspoken advocacy challenged and not respected? Probably because I am a female. You know what? I don't care. I advocate for the people of my state, seek justice and make sure my ethics are sound.
16
No.
Appellate courts don’t like overt aggression. From any of the sexes. Ruins the courtroom hush. The justice with a blindfold. Courtrooms where Roe v Wade went down many a year ago and may soon be undone.
It is worrisome that a practitioner doesn’t grasp this. It ain’t personal.
1
The world has gone mad if a father cannot protect his daughters without people taking offense. Mine died way too young, but told me quite clearly that I could be anything I wanted to be. A child can be protected and encouraged at the same time. And no, boys and girls are not the same.
9
You clearly missed the message. No one said it wasn't OK for fathers to protect their daughters. What's wrong is encouraging girls to be meek and compliant while encouraging boys to be brash risk-takers. No one said boys and girls are the same - just that they should be treated equally. Why is that a problem?
4
This article contains the assumption - totally incorrect - that it is men and not women who are teaching girls to be "good girls". The sad, demographic truth is that mothers and female teachers are overwhelmingly the carriers of the "good girl" illness.
As a full-time father, I quickly accepted that mothers have felt free to intervene with my child as they would not with another mother. While moms look at their phones, and I play with the kids (hover) apparently it's not closely enough. As boys dangled from monkey bars and kicked each other down the slide, it was my girl who needed rescuing.
This is not about blame. I appreciate the extra eyes on my little risk-taker. American women haven't enough examples of responsible and caring fathering in their heads. And they have not seen my girl at the rock climbing gym.
Nationally, 40% of women who are not employed at work do full-time child care. Just 5% of unemployed men do. I suggest that FULL TIME childcare as a norm for men would change the dynamic. Can childcare be a "real job" for a man?
In should be. Time-constrained mothers with too-high internal standards leave their girls no real choice but to be "good". Girls catch on to emotional reality fast. Dads come to childcare with a more "kids-eye view". Our models are coaches, camp counselors, and the dad at the pool who always had time to toss the kids in the air.
I agree with this though: don't teach girls to rape whistle BEFORE you teach them to fly.
7
I'm a stay at home Dad as well and felt the same way about the article. My sixth grader has not had a male teacher yet, except gym. When my wife is traveling for work, my son makes his own lunch. When she's home it's more complicated.
Within the same 24 hours, the energy that requires being recharged, and the limit of being in one place at one time, what we choose to do, whom we choose to serve, and where we are physically present should be safe choices for all humans. This is not a liberal, feminist, or political issue. It is a humanitarian mandate.
This to me is the perfect example of feminist ideology failing to understand reality. Girls should not be told to protect themselves? Do you really think boys are not taught the same?
There is reasonable risk taking and foolhardiness. Every time I read a story about a woman taking some type of foolhardy risk with her safety, and under circumstances that would make even the most courageous of men balk, all I could think of, is "why?"
Without question, this type of feminist ideological thinking that has no connection to the reality of the world, is arguably the reason why.
Try raising sons and daughters in a big city like Boston or NYC with that type of attitude. See where it will get you!
7
The world would be a better place if nearly all elementary teachers were women and men made up 41% of all college students. Wait, that already is a reality. I think 41% seems to be an equal and just percentage, don’t you.
3
Jill, maybe you should read some of the other articles in the NYT. A couple of days ago there was one about young boys now wearing full-on eye makeup. Contrary to your conclusions, they may not want to roughhouse with Dad for fear of messing up the greasepaint they so painstakingly applied, likely paid for with their parents' money.
My point is that I am no sociologist and neither is the author. It's pretty easy to make sweeping generalizations that start with the phrase "Boys are raised to. . . . ." Today more than ever children have choices to make as they grow up and search for their place in the world. But ultimately, it is up to the parents how a child is raised. So long as a child is raised to be a decent human being and respectful and tolerant of others, it is not for me to tell parents how to bring their kids up.
4
I have girls and boys. Love them all. But the boys were so much easier, especially about 13.
2
"Easier." So you were part of the problem....
1
footnote to my last post
so by learning the arts through trial and error without distractions by boys and girls being separated to focus on all they had to learn by the time that would come for all to come together there would be far more reasons for them to be attractive toward each other yet the ability to hold their own with an eye toward wisdom and a heart for love.
This opinion seems to speak to what appears to as an overriding view in much writing from feminist culture: that a majority of men are the quarterback, high school bully, silver spoon Donald Trump types.
Certainly, those types exist from lessons passed on in early life. They are then buoyed in adolescense by adoring women who follow them for their whatever self affirmation drives them- often at great cost to their self respect or even traumatic experience.
This type of man also has his set of minions: those that are rewarded for their loyalty to him and allowed the trappings of keeping proximity to the 'dominant male'. After witnessing how he behaves and how he is rewarded- lets face it, in adolescence, straight men are driven primarily by how females are perceived to respond- these minions tend to emulate his behavior when they fall away from his orbit. Many of them are duly rewarded in campus and 'locker room' culture.
There's no problem with trying to work an issue from both sides, but lets face - how can you expect a plurality to agree on the need for greater empathy from men when the current 'dominant male' is so well rewarded after his obscene behavior against women came out directly. Even before that, he has a series of attractive models lined up in his wake despite decades of boorishness. He was even supported by 40% of women! If even women are willing to reward (or at least, look past) such behavior, what would entice men to do differently?
4
Start with yourself and hold each individual -- yourself included --
accountable... Blaming feminist litetature for centuries-old stereotypes is a red herring at best
3
I sympathize with and largely support everything that Ms. Filipovic advocates, but continue to be frustrated by the consistency with which she and others, particularly feminists, blatantly ignore the obvious truth that males and females are different. What those differences are and what that implies for our social conduct, of course, is sure to be disputed, but the fact of difference itself cannot be disputed. I, for one, am unwilling to accept the implicit assumption that it doesn't or shouldn't make any difference, in practice if not in theory. Thank you, Ms. Filipovic, for ably articulating the many differences that pervade our culture, but shouldn't. Now please help me understand what the legitimate differences mean for living life as members of the same species, and please don't tell me that can wait until all the legitimate differences have been resolved.
6
"Feminism" isn't the problem. Your narrow-minded, cookie-cutter definition of it is.
6
I learned a long time ago that being a "good" girl was of limited value. Men (and women) respect you a lot more if you have a mind of your own, cultivate it, and speak it when necessary. The idea that men prefer a docile, obedient partner is simply not true - at least not for the self-assured, confident male. There is nothing more attractive than a strong female who lives and speaks her truth. And quite frankly, we don't have time for anyone else's idea of how we should be, so save your breath.
20
This is a lot of half-baked pop psychology. It doesn't even accurately or fully report the research it relies on. The reason why girls are "more likely to be praised for 'being good'" is not because parents are overprotective of them, but because (according to the linked research) "as young girls, they learn to self-regulate (i.e., sit still and pay attention) more quickly than boys." The plain implication is that boys would also be praised for "being good" if they were as quick to learn to self-regulate.
Why do feminists let their ideology blind them to the obvious truth that the differences between boys and girls are (statistically) often innate and have relatively little to do with how parents bring them up? Everyone else has figured this out.
18
"Why do feminists let their ideology blind them to the obvious truth that the differences between boys and girls are (statistically) often innate and have relatively little to do with how parents bring them up? Everyone else has figured this out."
Citation needed, and not from your MRA reddit site. Actual peer reviewed studies, please.
Spoiler alert: everyone else has not "figured this out" because it's not true.
1
I think there is underappreciated is that, as social expectations for women have evolved, women have now begun to overtake men in many work settings, sciences and technology. In coming generations males may well be a "second sex".
5
And do not think that many men are not aware of this, some consciously and some unconsciously. This is why men kept women out of many professions for so long—fear of being displaced. The “old boy’s network” will eventually crumble.
5
This piece comes from a good place, but it is a sophomoric attempt at profundity. For example, the author writes: "Many parents say they want their sons and daughters to be treated as equals in and outside of the home, but their actions don’t seem to match their words. In more than a quarter of American families, the mother is the full-time caregiver for the children; the husbands in these families are less likely to promote female co-workers, and when the sons of stay-at-home moms grow up, they’re less likely to pitch in around their own homes." There has never been a time -- never mind now -- in American history when "the husband" in "more than a quarter of American families" were actually in a position to promote anybody, female or male! Where do these make-believe statistics come from?
The author should speak to her own parents -- mother as well as father -- about how they raised their kids, and tell them how she perceived things from her side (as a 10-year-old and at other ages). That might provide some insight.
The dramatic turn that we are witnessing right now is all about women feeling that they can and must call out men who attempted, successfully or unsuccessfully, to sexually harass, molest or abuse them. These women feel they are finally able to do so because they are fairly confident that the cost that they will pay for doing so has suddenly become much lower. That tells us more about human behavior than everything the author said in her article.
9
Part of growing up as a boy is realizing that there isn’t always someone to help, that you can’t rely on adults or authority figures to solve your problems. Sometimes if someone beats and abuses you, you do have to accept responsibility and fight back hard enough to survive, without expecting that you will be seen as the good guy if you both get caught.
It seems like most adults of both sexes have a hard time accepting that, in order to be equal to men, women have to learn the same lessons the same way. Girls and women can’t be “protected” from taking ultimate responsibility for their own survival, and still end up strong and independent. They also can’t expect approval or praise for defending themselves.
3
Who said women expected either, (except you)??
3
Another op-ed of utterly conventional thinking, relying on worn-out stereotypes. This doesn't remotely describe the world I live in, where the young women I know are every bit as strong, confident, and accomplished as their male peers, and treated with respect.
9
An interesting and perceptive article.
I think there is some confusion in the comments between sexism at an individual level and sexism that is so embedded in social structures it has become ‘normal.’
The reason many people still think that women should be stay-at-home mums, is because in our current society, it works. Being a working mother is a hard juggle of incompatible responsibilities. Even if you are as good or better at your job than the men (with wives) and your childless female colleagues, it is very difficult to compete with them, simply because they have more time and can say ‘yes’ to the extra opportunities that you can’t. Often there is also the perception that you can’t take certain tasks on because of your family responsibilities, which are either never offered to you, or from which you are discouraged to apply. Of course, it is also easier for men if they can just focus on their career without housekeeping or child rearing as well. But, that does not stop them from wanting their cake and eating it too.
I have been criticised by family members for both neglecting my children and for not pursuing my career hard enough or earning enough money. You can’t win!
But, I also think we can get too bogged down by other people’s perceptions and expectations of us. Yes, it is unfair, yes I am disadvantaged, but I am just going to keep plodding along with my eyes on the prize trying to prove everyone wrong. And, who else is going to make it better for my daughter?
6
I was at a Thanksgivimg celebration yesterday where there were various ages of people in attendance. Some were parents of young children both girls and boys and it was interesting to observe their different behaviors. The little girls were all dressed in beautiful frilly dresses and the boys in nicely pressed trousers and shirts.
What was interesting to watch was the difference in their behavior. The girls were feminine and dainty and fhe boys were a bit rough and ready. The parents who are intelligent and have good jobs were fine with this behavior. The boys and girls got along nicely and we're having a great time. These children are happy and healthy and isn't that what counts. We should allow little girls to be girls and little boys to be boys. These children should be allowed to play according to their wishes.
If a little girl wants to be a girly girl and play with dolls, let her. She only has one childhood and should live it her way. The same should be said for little boys. These children hopefully will grow up to be well adjusted and happy and that is what is important.
10
Completely agree with you here. I am an assertive, professionally successful female. I can mostly be found in trousers or jeans simply because they are comfortable for the task at hand. And I absolutely love dressing up in a saree and fussing about jewelry patterns to match for festive and social occasions. All my parents ever did was let me be and support what I wanted to be, when I wanted to be... Girly girl or tom boy.
7
You forgot an operative word: "These children should be allowed to play according to their (PARENT'S) wishes." Because exactly where do you think theses children GET "their" wishes? These behaviors don't develop in an environmental vaccum.
3
If one looks past the oversimplification, generalizations and fingerpointing within this article, there is an important issue at stake. I don’t understand why the writer would be so indelicate to the point of alienating readers but it is a shame because this detracts from the message. The question for me is this: in which ways should boys and girls be raised differently? All of us had childhoods. All of us had role models good and bad.
Some of us have kids. None of us have omniscience on this issue. Yet we must grapple with it. I refuse to suppress my daughter’s innate gifts, or laughter, or sense of color, or sensitivities, to fit certain era-appropriate ideas. I also expect her to apply herself, work hard, take risks, and find her own way in the world. Is it unthinkable that we might find a balance? We raise children one at a time.
8
I wish this could be shared in different languages
"Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression. Girls are taught to protect themselves from predation, and they internalize the message that they are inherently vulnerable; boys move through the world not nearly as encumbered and certainly not seeing their own bodies as sources of weakness or objects for others’ desires."
Is this a theory, with some experimental testing? I suspect it more closely resembles your faith than your science. (Though perhaps the rich are more broadly enabled to adopt this sort of pseudo-scientific credence.)
Particularly in they way you warmly mention your own father, who clearly falls into the bad guy clan of your piece:
"Which is why, 20 years later, I appreciate my father’s candor, even if it wasn’t meant for my ears. First, he named his own bias out loud, recognizing that despite his best intentions, he was perhaps predisposed to treat his girls differently from how he would have treated boys. And then he worked not just to protect us, or tell us to protect ourselves, but to push us to walk a little farther out in the world."
4
“Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression. Girls are taught to protect themselves from predation, and they internalize the message that they are inherently vulnerable; boys move through the world not nearly as encumbered and certainly not seeing their own bodies as sources of weakness or objects for others’ desires.”
While it’s important to confront structural misogyny - it’s not helpful to make generalizations or presume that your experience is or is not shared.
For example, many men could recount locker room experiences where a small group of men felt unencumbered to exploit their bodies - relative physical strength - in a ritual of intimidation, and sexually charged assault. In the men’s locker this sexuality isn’t about sex, it’s about humiliation and power.
Many men know what assault is like. It’s just not viewed or punished as assault to the same degree as it would be if the same thing were inflicted on a woman. So many men learned to cope - by fighting,humor, laying low, or participating.
Some men realized that these abusers were emotional insecure victims themselves (often of abuse at home) and not strong. Some men learned to see aggressive, risk-taking behavior as a compulsion and desire to proves strength despite deep weakness.
8
It's an error to think that merely because some today acknowledge that girls and boys should be encouraged to dream equally and have equal opportunities to pursue dreams, somehow we can just discard child-rearing folkways entrenched for millennia that were based on rigid notions of gender roles. Our instincts are to teach to reinforce those roles. It's only been a few decades since we've been challenging gender role definitions with any success, yet the only guideposts that exist for most parents remain the ancient ones.
And it’s not like girls and women are helping unanimously. The more capable she is, the more insistent on her right to make a place for herself that displaces as much volume as a man’s – and not just any man but those who are equally capable. But the less capable she is, the more she will tend to rely on old models of attaching to a good-provider-male. Those women will favor older ways of teaching.
I see old ways surviving, but with greatly enhanced toleration for capable women, in part the products of enlightened parenting. And we need to cycle-out a lot of dinosaurs: I’ve helped teach a few very capable young girls to be self-reliant and assertive, MANY women to be more assertive, and have made it clear to men that I won’t tolerate predatory behavior. But I still like opening doors for women and picking up restaurant tabs, so I’m one of those dinosaurs.
But even the most capable women also should beware of what one wishes for … for she may get it.
6
I am so glad that I am not young today. There’s no doubt that in my day girls were expected to be what was labeled as feminine. Of course that can be limiting but not everyone male or female wants to be a mover and shaker working 60 hours a week outside the home.
Yes I did get an advanced degree in a field that was traditionally male but I hated every second of the work and was much happier when I returned to a typically female job. And I loved being home with my child. Perhaps that’s why he’s such a great dad today.
I’m not STEM inclined so in today’s world I would have to be abandoned on an ice berg.
16
To be a nice person doesn't mean you have to acquiesce, you can still have drive and still stick up for yourself while being compassionate and kind. And this goes for both genders. Men need to evolve to be more compassionate, despite what the "culture" might be signaling to them, while women need to evolve to advocate for themselves, without compromising their kindness. It's not an all or nothing proposition. The most enlightened people I've known display a healthy mix of compassion and drive, and an uncanny ability to know when to call on those traits.
18
The thing is even in kindergarten, people say kids are good if they sit down and be quiet, and there are no representations of girls doing otherwise. For boys, it's socially acceptable to be a rule breaker, a "rowdy guy", but for girls, it's seen as an inappropriate act of rebellion. Then later, when it comes time to start choosing elective classes, people want to do classes with their friends. For girls, art and drama are seen as more purposeful than coding and design, and the girls who think computers are interesting don't say anything because they don't want to be a minority opinion. Girls don't want to take a class full of guys, where they are the only girl, just like boys wouldn't want to take ballet, because it would be a class full of girls and they would get teased.
4
Then parents need only to teach children to be human able to discriminate for self and not sheep with herd mentality. That single thought will stand girl or boy in good stead through life... Even in cases like I need to drown myself in credit card debt to match peers' lifestyle.
I was one of 7 girls in a class of 51 for information technology at university. Didn't team up with girls only on assignments. Made sure to be a part of extracurricular committees, when other girls would prefer going home, to the hostel, or to the movies. After a while of snide and quite hurtful comments from BOTH genders, you get accepted for just your talent.
'boys wouldn't want to take ballet, because it would be a class full of girls'
I used to play piano for ballet classes and I reckoned any boy who got to learn ballet in a class full of girls was very lucky indeed.
4
I don't buy it. I'm a pediatrician and am frequently consulted by families to diagnose and treat their children for ADHD. The ratio of boys to girls among this population of kids with ADHD is something like 5:1. The (often) mothers who stay at home with their boys and the (mainly) women who teach them are not celebrating these "rowdy" boys; they are calling for them to be medicated.
4
When I was young I watched my mother work in and out of the home while my father only worked out of the Home. I decided that would not happen to me so I married but never had children, sued to get paid a man’s salary, and contracted out housework and home maintenance. Ideal — no, but I would do it again.
36
I’ve spent approximately the last 25 years of my life in environments made up of large groups of ~90% men in STEM fields. What has really stood out is how noticeably different the average person’s behaviour has been, depending on the workplace culture.
In a more cooperative, egalitarian workplace, the people worked better in groups, had more ownership and accountability of their work, took on responsibility more readily, had better coping skills, accomplished more, complained less, and generally expressed satisfaction about their jobs - while working in a very demanding environment.
In a workplace modelled around a dominance hierarchy, the employees were generally untrusting of each other, did not work well in teams, were frequently angry and passive aggressive, belittled colleagues behind their backs, were reluctant to take ownership of anything, and frequently expressed their frustration with their coworkers and unhappiness with their workplace - while working fewer hours and with less demands.
This is of course anecdotal, but the difference was so blatant that it was remarkable. All of these environments were 90% men, which means that the difference in behaviour is certainly not influenced by DNA alone.
66
reminds me of reading about african apes (forget the details) - something about where there was an aggressive dominant silverback male, the society tended to be aggressive and squabbling - absent an aggressive male leader, societies tended to be cooperative and harmonious.
I say this about organisations – as the boss, so the whole organisation – if a cashier is rude to me, I tend to assume the big boss is nasty
hmm - now I'm reminded of your POTUS problem ...
Females are different from males. Testosterone is not the same hormone as estrogen. Women are more vulnerable than men when it comes to physical and sexual assaults. We are not as strong as a man of the same size or weight as us. And our brains are somewhat different because of our sex.
What is not different is our need to be able to support ourselves, be acknowledged and accepted as women who can be strong, can be logical, and can run things. Like the male of our species we need to be loved, cared for, feel safe, and have a purpose in our lives. But we are raised to respect others and to be more empathetic than the males. We are expected to care for our parents and our children. We're told it's natural. Why isn't it natural for males to do this as well? Why isn't it natural for females to want to achieve, to want to succeed, to have enough money to be independent? Why is it still acceptable for a man to make derogatory comments to or about a woman he dislikes with respect to her sexual attributes? Why are men allowed to consider themselves powerful while women need to be put in their proper place (subordinate to the men) in the 21st century? Why can I, over 50 years later, hear the same comments about girls that I heard as one myself? And those comments are not the encouraging ones, the ones that will help a girl grow up to be a strong woman. No, I hear and read the same comments about being careful with the boys, not beating them in games, etc.
51
Why are women not working in construction and mining? 90% of wokplace deaths are men in such physically hard and dangerous jobs. Let's have equality there too. I have never ever heard a woman asking for THAT equality.
Why are women not required to serve in the army? Only Israel does it, and even there females serve shorter times and much fewer are in combat roles. Let's have equality in the army too.
3
Since females do virtually the child care and teaching k-12, these comments are being made primarily by females to females?
1
Amen!
1
"Men... are raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression.”
"Boys move through the world not nearly as encumbered... and certainly not seeing their own bodies as sources of weakness...”
Are you serious? Have you actually talked to any men about this? None of the boys I knew growing up were raised to embrace aggression, and very few were raised to embrace risk-taking.
Not encumbered? What world are you living in? Of all the boys and men I've known, I can't name one who was not encumbered in some way, many seriously.
Not seeing our own bodies as sources of weakness? Didn't you ever talk to any guys in high school? Most of us were not good at sports, not strong, tough guys, and we were intimidated by and felt inferior to those who were.
At any rate, what evidence could you possibly have for such sweeping assertions?
If someone is aggressive, how could you know that this was a result of being “raised to embrace aggression"? If someone is kind and gentle, is that because they were raised to embrace kindness? Or could it be that they saw someone being kind, or were treated kindly by someone, liked it, found that capability in themselves, and decided to be that way?
You seem to have a very odd, ideological perception of men. Most of us are not aggressive, risk-taking, rude, misogynistic jerks. Such generalizing, such stereotyping is intellectually lazy and does not lead to understanding or dialogue.
295
Thank you, Charles! I agree completely with your sentiments.
Many men have made the news lately as a result of their predatory behavior. There is rightful outrage. But men should not be profiled as a result. There are many good men out here.
I have four teenage sons -- all white males -- who are acutely aware that everyone perceives them to have unfair advantages and who often feel they are guilty by association.
My wife and I are working hard to raise them to be good citizens, kind and caring, respectful of others regardless of race or gender. They are deserving of the same respect.
6
And yet a large number of women seem to agree with the statements that you see as preposterous. How could this be?
As a man, I don't disagree with the content of what you write. What I do disagree with is the outrage that is the form of the content. I think it would be much more useful to ask ourselves how these two fundamentally different points of view could possibly be true at the same time - and use that exploration as a basis for a conversation - and connection - between those two views.
6
Paul, it is possible that a large number of women have developed a narrative over the last half century, a group artwork, that involves stating what men and boys think and feel and what their lives have been like by talking among themselves rather than by systematically talking to men or consulting a large number of valid empirical studies.
At the same time, it’s clear that there are a large number of women who take care to avoid doing that or who are willing to reconsider the soundness of doing that when some aspect of the narrative is challenged.
I agree that conversation about all this is a good thing. But it will be hard to convince me that sentences with the structure “Men are like this and men are like that” aren’t just as problematic as sentences with the structure “Women are like this and women are like that.”
1
I am a working mother and also take care of our boys.I choose to do more of the responsibilities than my husband because we both can't, given the demands of work 24/7. Our kids don't see this as a lesser job. They see this as a leadership role just like my husband's at work and mine in the social sector. I don't agree with "When children see the men around them in positions of power in the office and relaxing at home while the women are packing lunches, planning birthday parties and scheduling appointments, they internalize the message that men lead and women help." Who decides what is more powerful or not? Being a parent influencing our children's future and their impact on the world? Or working to pay the bills? We need to make sure there are opportunities for everyone to have these choices to lead at home and at work. That leadership will then be the best example for both men and women. The women's movement as it stands today needs to stand up for mothers and fathers who lead at home as well as at work. At home , we teach our boys to be kind to others, to give back, to have girl and boy friends, to strive for excellence in many fields, traditional or not. Maybe many men and women are choosing and want to choose more to be leaders at home and at work and exemplify this for the next generation. This is ideal. Otherwise, the next generation has parents at work and never at home looking out for the traits that are most influential on the choices of boys and girls.
20
I am a strong, independent, successful working mother, with a husband that doesn’t “help” me at home, but owns the house work WITH me. I work and share child care responsibilities with my husband not only because working gives me pleasure, but because that’s the role model I want to give my kids - equal partners at home and outside of it, mom and dad.
I am thrilled we’re talking more and more about girls independence, but when I think 50% of women in my income range still leave the work force to become stay at home moms, it gives me pause. How many stay at home moms want their daughters to “have education and a career”? Why would a woman who wants to raise a strong daughter give up their voice in shaping society by positioning thtemselves as subservient to their husbands?
Kids learn from example more than words. You want strong daughters, be strong and WORK like your husbands. Want to raise boys who respect women? Walk through like like someone who demands respect.
But when women claim they want equality then voluntarily make decisions that give ammo to stereotypes, then the only conclusion I can reach is that either 1) I’m just different from other women, or 2) women complain about it but don’t really want to put in the effort to go get it.
I hope the next generation of women proudly claims their space in the work force. We need the numbers.
39
Well said, wish more people could understand that!
2
Thank you to the author for pointing out how important it is to change the way we raise boys rather than just focus on how we raise girls which so many of my feminist sisters seem to limit themselves to. If we really want to change the world for everyone, including girls, we need to teach boys that it's ok to have tears, to empathize, and treat others kindly. Not to do this is a disservice to boys and our society.
19
If there is any change to happen, we need to teach ~all~ young people about objectification and commodification of bodies, period.
This would cover teaching them the truth about how they might be conned into participating in various exploitive aspects of our society:
-which uses sex to sell, and which attempts to sell us bodies which we can only hope to buy (Number 12 looks like you!)
-which restricts certain people based on the reproductive ability of their bodies
-which uses the bodies of the poor to promote the goals of the wealth
3
Jill Filipovic writes: "Being a 'good girl' today means sitting quietly at school, following instructions, completing tasks and getting good grades." This is a consequence not only of parental expectations, but also of the atmosphere in the schools, especially in elementary grades. Back when I was in grades K through 6, all the teachers were women. It was the boys who had to adapt or be left behind.
28
Good point, and this is still true where I live. In many ways, elementary school is designed for girls.
9
There is too much here to unpack in a 1500 word comment but one thing that came to mind is the fact that very many women raise their sons to be care takers. Even subliminally make their happiness the sons (young male) responsibility. Ditto for females, so many wait for the male to make them happy or to create the mysterious situation that results in happiness.
It is easy for the authors of NYTs columns to color pretty much everything and anything in black and white, when in fact, real life has infinite gradation. And while I like much of what is said here all along the way my mind was quietly saying; it is not this simple.
20
Regarding different kinds of praise genders experience in education - understand it isn't sexist - it is about common gender differences. Boys (and active girls) get praised for effort - it's a feat they do what they are asked, so they get attention for just trying. Girls (and less active boys) are more inclined to sit and pay attention, so the teacher, not even aware of the distinction or problem in the different types of praise, focus on rewarding girls based on how well they do at the task - quiet students get praised for results, active ones for just trying. It's just a natural result of different types of students.
Developmental research shows how, around fifth grade, quiet students praised for results start shying away from trying new things. Since they get praised for doing well, they avoid learning new skills, associating beginner mistakes as bad. Meanwhile, active students who've been praised for effort do not shy away from trying new things.
This is a crisis for girls, but it also can turn boys into praise junkies - where as adult men, they get mad when others don't praise them for effort. So, yeah, praise for results is worse than praise for effort, but there is a bigger issue here - developing a human's intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation. Our education system is based on extrinsic motivators - I will do this to get a reward, versus being motivated out of interest. Intrinsic motivation results from autonomy, relatedness and connectedness (read "Drive" by D.Pink).
14
Chris, you miss the point of the differing praise. The good students, mostly girls in the younger years, get some praise...but how does it hurt those well behaved students, when the ill-behaved (mostly boys) get praise for merely sitting still? Or actually doing an assignment the right way...? We all work those still stunted guys, where they get praise for simply showing up.
Re; the extrinsic/intrinsic motivators. Survival is the basic motivator. Girls seem to inherently recognize that doing things they are assigned is about preservation, not just a reward. Where Boys tend to see, inherently, that rewards are why we do things at all. Is that nurture, nature or both? Do parents reward boys too soon, bribe them too soon? While with their girls they simply expect the behaviors? And dont bribe them enough?
Girls are actively steered away from taking risks. At a very young age. While boys are literally tossed out into the wild to figure things out. Girls get scripts, boys get to improvise. Girls are expected to be naturally orderly, while boys naturally disorganized. No matter the inclinations they might be showing. If the boy happens to be orderly, all the better. Win for the parents. If the girl is naturally messy, her parents try and break her! While her brother gets away with it...
1
I hear you sharing what you think or maybe heard, but what you say is not anything I can find in the research in behavioral science. One of the tricky things about talking about human development is that very challenge - what we think versus what is actually happening. The point I am making is that the author refers to a particular study on gender differences in education, but she is missing out on a very important distinction about what is happening. I am not saying sexism isn't pervasive, trust me, I'm a woman with a strong disposition and leadership style that landed me in a life side by side with men and oh boy, do I align with her bigger point - yet, at the same time, I know how important it is to develop the critical thinking skills to discern what is actually happening, and while I am not rebutting her greater point, I am clarify the details of this study, because it is important. It is incredibly important, if we want to support equality in education, to recognize how a situation can influence a person's disposition. Like Kurt Lewin points out - B=f(P,E). And the thing is, it isn't sexism. Some young girls are active and some young boys are more sedentary, and their outcomes align with active vs passive behaviors, not gender. An active girl is going to get praised for sitting still, a passive boy is going to get praised for results. That's what that particular study identifies. The generalization is based on the reality that usually young boys, active, girls passive.
Women are not only entitled to shape their sexual lives; they should also be able to command the romantic relationship they want. Women should not have to wait for guys to call, but the heterosexual relationship model is still based on the man being in control. A man can "court," which means pursue, but if a woman sends flowers to a guy she's met or is the first to text something romantic or a simple, "Thinking of you," they are told that they risk "scaring" the guy. Women are counseled not to "push" a guy with questions about where a relationship is heading. While this may not seem relevant to this article, I believe until women are told that it's okay to be honest about their feelings, we will always have women who look to men to show them what behavior is appropriate or desired.
31
you seem to suggest women are disempowered in relationships with males.
I'm a softer gentle male - I've mostly been 'selected' by more assertive females - so my observation is many females select softer males they know they can control - keep that one at home supportive and bringing home the bacon
then ovulation hormones once a month can push women to look for hunky square-jawed masculine males for stronger genes - that only needs ten seconds
so - win both ways - a supportive stay-at-home male - and stronger genes when you want them.
plaintive cries of 'how to behave' suggest a desire for the alpha-male - who is unlikely to be faithful - and has a crowd of aspiring females seeking his attention.
conversely, last night I sat in a night market and saw one attractive young female walking along - surrounded by three males I'll guess all interested in her attentions.
they say at a party all the males will be vying for the attention of the most attractive female - until she leaves and they turn to the next most attractive - while other females are left alone.
Terrible - except the same thing happens to males.
1
Kate - agree! Im a male who loves it when a female makes her "like" known to me. Instead of me having to figure it out...as I might not even be paying attention. Esp. at work. At work I'm 100% hands off...but...if a women lets me know...I'm open to the exploration.
I've always been most attracted to assertive females. I dont mind the chase, its fun, but its exhausting to have to be doing all the "sign reading". Its as fun to be pursued. (not stalked! lol)
When a female has the guts to say; "Hey, lets go for drinks." I breath a sigh of relief. Love it!
1
I don't like receiving flowers.
1
I have no daughters, but my mother was aware enough to raise me without the restrictions that were often placed on the girls that I hung out with. My youth was spent biking all over the county, hiking trails, going to the mall...all without supervision. I took the bus to my grandparents house every second weekend from the time I was 7. Alone. My parents never tried in any way to tell me that I had to act sweet , submissive, or quiet. As a result, I grew up to be confidant, competent, and unafraid . I like who I became.
I have several sons and have raised them the same way I was raised. They are also thriving much as I did. My sons have all chosen women ( and men) that also embrace adventure and experiences over rules and obedience. Parents who insist on hovering and protecting their children regardless of gender are doing them a horrible disservice IMO.
19
This piece reminds me of discussions of ageism, colonialism and, of course, racism. I suggest that the feminists always acknowledge this intersectionality of equality.
On the other hand, equality does not mean equal in all things. So, consider making clearer distinctions between legal, cultural and physical equality. We are living though an age of confusion, so clarity is increasingly important.
7
Equality is nigh-meaningless, because it does not recognize where one group started out; equity is more meaningful.
For example:
Women have to pee about 1.5 as many times as men, because female bodies have organs arranged in a way that results in a gravitational press on our bladders while men's bladders have no such weight on them. In fact, male bladders can expand a great deal because male bodies have an abdominal cavity.
Additionally, in many cases, women are expected to toilet both male and female young children, breastfeed their infants in the bathroom, or to submit to time-consuming feminine grooming habits in the bathroom.
Does it seem fair that women receive equality to men, with regards to number or size of bathrooms? Or is equity more reasonable?
1
This OP-ED reminds me of what a French author Simone de Beauvoir wrote, "One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” In other words, "One is not born, but rather raised to be a woman" after born as a baby with neutral minds. This is also true for man. But the consequence seems far greater for women.
We, collectively as a society, have a huge responsibility on our next generation.
8
Simone de Beavoir was a Stalin supporter and had ZERO biology knowledge.
2
In our culture the worst insult to a little boy is to call him a GIRL.
As soon as he is beginning to be socialised a little boy is told that if he can't throw a ball, if he cries, if he doesn't want to fight, if he likes art and reading better than football, he is like a GIRL. THIS is where the lack of respect for women as social and intellectual equals, begins.
It comes from fathers, brothers, educators, religious leaders and is so deep within the consciousness of the culture that girls believe it, too. Our culture boxes girls into a restrictive stereotype by describing them as a `little lady’ but gives boys a much more expansive steroetype as a `little man’. The implication is that girls will be rewarded for being passive and obedient, while boys can rule the world.
Is it the fear that given half a chance, women may not be just as good as, but better than men at nearly everything, that drives the misogyny that results in patronisation, suppression of opportunity and the abuse of power leading to the humiliation of sexual assault? That is what sexual harassment is about, the suppression and humiliation of women, and it is driven by fear.
Men’s power MUST be challenged, starting in kindergarten, insisting that to be described as a GIRL or indeed a WOMAN is as much a compliment as being described as a MAN.
The difficulty will always be that, "When you are accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”.
70
It is not, in fact, as you ask: "Is it the fear that given half a chance, women may not be just as good as, but better than men at nearly everything, that drives the misogyny that results in patronisation, suppression of opportunity and the abuse of power leading to the humiliation of sexual assault?"
It is actually the fact that women's bodies are the only way to bring forth the new generation of workers and consumers which our economy and society requires. This is a HUGE power to wield in a capitalist society.
Better to keep the women literally or figuratively oppressed and feeling so badly about themselves and their sisters, that they don't realize what power they actually have and maybe re-enact the Lysistrata!
1
Men are challenged plenty, including by false accusations of sexual harassment by lying females. Duke lacrosse, Virginia U are just two examples. Your message has nothing about equality, but everything about hatred of men.
1
dwalker: thanks. I'm glad you escaped. I WILL live in Seattle, one fine day. That's the only reason I buy lottery tickets. And, the main reason the Engineer has LOTS of life insurance. Just saying.
3
I was a newspaper editor in Elizabeth, NJ, when a riot broke out in Newark. I made the mistake of sending a male general assignment reporter rather than the female cop reporter. She complained and I learned my lesson.
5
Yawn. Can we PLEASE move on to another topic??!
17
Most of the differences between girls and boys is genetic and biological. That will be the finding of science in the coming decades, to the great disappointment of social engineers and gender studies professors.
47
Ah, OK, so there's no such thing as a girl-child who really prefers to build things rather than play with cook-sets, or a little boy who really enjoys sparkly dresses and hates camo-printed pajamas? These kinds of preferences may have some genetic bases but they aren't necessarily linked to the x-y chromosomes.
3
I'm curious--how do you know? Without evidence, anyone can say, "In ten years, this will happen." Without evidence or precursory studies, I can also say that in ten years, there will be genetic, biological, and psychological evidence that there are no genders whatsoever, much to the chagrin of Fox News watchers.
5
I wouldn’t use science that don’t yet exist to justify your own biases. Let people be what they are, stop grooming kids to fit a mold or another from birth and see what happens.
4
An interesting hypothesis based on the Skinner box. A technique now shown to only be partially true. Wish you had some data. It may be that you have to be somewhat special to stand out in this competitive world and I am not sure if it would be a better place if everyone is taught to be an aggressive competitive risk taker. Maybe boys should be reigned in a bit.
4
Werner Heisenberg at one time was asked to evaluate a paper that asserted that the first and second laws of thermodynamics were wrong and that one could build a perpetual motion machine. He didn’t read it. He simply rejected it with the explanation that he didn’t want to waste his time on something he knew wasn’t true. Just so, one of my esteemed teachers had no time for the nonsense that we can shape boys and girls into whatever we like. If this were the case, why is it that in every society that has ever existed men are aggressive and women are cooperative? Surely there would be societies where women were dominant and also societies where men and women were equal in terms of dominance. But not a single one exists. Why is that? The most obvious answer is that the independent variable is not socialization but rather brute physiology and that societies socialize people to conform to these basic biological tendencies. I’m not going to waste my time with articles such as this any longer. Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps one can construct a perpetual motion machine. But I doubt it.
23
Laws of physics are not the same as theories of social behavior. Some time, if you watch subscription TV, find some Scandinavian programs, especially the Danish ones, and watch them. Ignore the content, just watch them for the ways women interact with men. It's different because children there are raised differently. Societal expectations are not the same in all countries.
In my working days as an engineer, the men would metaphorically bump their chests and growl at each other while I stepped back and listened. When they calmed down, I'd summarize their points of view and add my own. Then, we'd all settle down and make decisions together. We don't always value that sort of collaborative interaction in this country. The chest beaters are often looked upon with admiration, the cooperators are dismissed as weak. Maybe that was great back in the cave man days, but in civilization, does that attitude make the best use of our different strengths?
Women are just trying to figure some stuff out. Don't get your shorts in a twist.
4
James, you might be better off if you not only read but tried to understand this article and ones like it. I believe that women are saying men “don’t get it”. It bothers many of us that we are expected to understand men but men so often don’t even try to understand women. Instead of telling us just how right you are, try listening.
1
You can't construct a perpetual motion machine. However, human societies can change. We've changed dramatically in the last fifty years alone. When I was a teenager, it was assumed that boys were physically unable to control their sexual urges, so it was up to girls to prevent sexual assault. Until fairly recently in history, it was assumed that women lacked the intelligence and moral capacity to vote, much less run a country.
In my experience, most men are cooperative, not aggressive. In my experience, most girls can be taught to be assertive (a different animal than aggression). I don't believe in determinism because it's so often proven to be wrong.
1
In much of this male dominated world women are still second class citizens if not mere possessions. It is no wonder that "coping" and not making a fuss has been a central feminine survival trait for centuries. If we are going to make any real and positive change we are going to have to think about making things better for everyone's daughters not just our own.
18
I'm the "difficult" child - the middle one; the second of three. The first was a boy, then I was born a scant year later: a girl. Two and a half years afterward, my sister finished out our family of five. Sexism REIGNED supreme.
My faults? Overachieving, extroversion, a preference for "boy clothes" (jeans - it was the early 60s), and a tendency toward sturdiness. I was (am) a gifted child, reading at three and handling chapter books at five; I thought math was fun. My older brother was dyslexic and hyperactive -- and did not learn to really read until a teacher in grade 7 realized he could not. Ours was a VERY unhappy home. My brother was punished for bad grades/acts and hated me for the joy I got from learning and my successes. He physically abused me. My folks quashed my successes: they weren't mentioned. They refused to allow me to skip grades in school (as teachers/district recommended) as it might "discourage" my brother. He IS the 1st son...
Fast forward 50 years: I'm 55; my brother 56. We haven't spoken in a year, not since he spoke to me at my Dad's last Christmas. My brother was incredibly rude, cursing at me the one time he spoke. Relationship? A lost cause. NEVER.
My father, at 76, finally told me he was proud of me and glad I grew up to be smart, strong, and independent. When I said that I'd had to, he got teary and said he knew; he was sorry, and he loves me. We're doing FINE, now.
My sister and I? BFF's. She says she looked up to me growing up. Who knew?!
53
Life is not fair. This continues to be true. It's hard for me to feel too sorry for well-educated upper middle class women who want to change men instead of girding themselves for the maybe not-so-hard battles ahead of them as grown-ups. You all need to look at the world beyond your own and see how many people have battles much tougher than yours. That isn't to say we shouldn't fight for equal pay and equal rights; that we should endure serious mistreatment; that we should be meek. It is too say that maybe the struggle isn't as hard as you think it is.
26
No, it's not as hard as women think it is. It's much, much harder!
2
The author comes up with a number of experiment to try to achieve some sort of kumbaya outcome. We need to remember boys and girls are not lab rats. I would not try any of these experiments until someone has tested them on a small scale peer reviewed basis. Until such time what the author puts forward are simply opinions and ideas that need to be studied. Look before you leap.
14
Duhhh. I can't believe I am reading this kind of article 40+ years' on. What did people think feminists were pushing in the 60's and 70's? Examine everything - societal, religious, cultural, your very own - fundamental concepts, biases, prejudices. Everything.
Back in the 70's my father, after raising 3 daughters, realized those daughters had already begun to be on the short end of the stick when one day he said to one of them, "Gee, young men your age are enjoying open sexual relations and I am expecting my daughters to avoid those experiences just because they are daughters." Talk about being stunned to hear those words come from his mouth. Here was a man who grew up in the 1920's-30's and was able to examine, simply examine, how he thought about women who happened to be his daughters. It wasn't even the sex aspect that stunned us - it was his ability to examine his own fundamental concepts.
This was no different than realizing one's daughter ought to be able to play farther down the street.
THAT is an example how to examine one's fundamental concepts to see if they apply equally. He set quite an example.
26
I was an under controlled bad girl and yes it is a better way. My parents never tried to protect me from the harsh realities of sexual mores of our society and am I ever grateful.
6
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Until recently the inference here was that rocking the cradle was a mother's job. Currently that role has been superceded by day care workers, fathers, grandparents - a variety.
I'm married to a foreign national and raised our children in his country and it was very apparent how much influence I had determining what sort of cultural mix they would display. It gave me quite a bit of power. I worked in IT before they were born and I had a long career after they grew up and I have often wondered if women ever stop to consider that by giving up the traditional mothering role, their children may grow up straight and tall - BUT without the influence of the mother. By allowing another to exercise that cradle rocking power have we shortchanged ourselves?
9
Thanks for this. The work women do as teachers and nurturers is the most important work in the world. Which contributes more to the human race- manufacturing guns and bombs to kill people, or raising the next generation? Because men are filled with testosterone, they will always be fighting wars and trying to dominate (I'm generalizing - obviously there are many nonviolent men but at least 95% of violence is performed by men). In our culture, the people who make the most money are considered more important but I don't believe this- I think the unpaid work of caregivers is actually at least as important. Ideally, caregivers and breadwinners work together and respect one another for their contributions.
2
I'm the father of three girls (one of whom is an adult) and one boy. I can tell you that far more than the teachings of my wife and I influence our children. My little girl is both feminine (likes makeup) and far more assertive and fearless than her twin brother.
One thing I have found in raising children (and interacting with others in life) is that everyone wants to be special - to be known for something. And though it may sound like an oxymoron, our desire to be known for something often dovetails into the identity we see for ourselves in others. My little girl sees herself as a rebel ... and values the recognition of this (both good and bad). By contrast, my son sees himself as dutiful and careful - and achieves similar recognition.
This feedback response is equally relevant in the gender dissonance in the article. Women (and men) act certain ways because of the roles those around them (not just their parents) expect them to fill. Some of this is biological. Women are simply physically weaker than men. They can become pregnant which carries obvious physical and social stigma. As a result, it's understandable that women will be more selective and careful in sexual exploits. By contrast, men who are not assertive sexually carry a stigma - not just from other men but from women in their lives. My wife knocks what she calls Mama's boys for "not having a pulse". We should not fool ourselves into thinking the gender difference comes solely from parental input.
158
I'm curious what your wife thinks of your son who you say is "dutiful and careful"? According to he is he one of these Mama's boys who "don't have a pulse"?
7
My son IS a Mama's boy. But ask any mother of a Mama's boy ... and while they wouldn't want to date a Mama's boy, they wouldn't have it any other way as a mother. (There's cognitive dissonance for you.) My wife is a Latina. (Puerto Rican.) Our Nanny is Colombian. Apparently, this doting on male children (turning them into Mama's Boys) is VERY common in latin culture.
When I say doting, I need to clarify for the context of this article. Men are encouraged to be very promiscuous. My wife's father who is certainly educated (PhD in Physics from Harvard, MD from U of Minn) kept a room in the back of his office where his young sons could take their girlfriends.
By contrast, girls in the latin culture are often expected to help with cleaning and chores. My wife was expected to baby-sit for her younger brothers for many years. But she was not permitted to be sexually active ... or even social with boys until she went to college. If she had a date, the boy had to come to her house and never be in a room alone with him with a closed door. In this culture, girls would help around the house ... but needed to be protected from outside influences. But boys were expected to conquer the world - even as they were treated as princes at home.
5
Why do you think/say that pregnancy carries obvious physical and social stigma? Why is it a stigma? Do you feel that way about your wife and mother of your four children? very odd. Giving birth is indeed something only women can do, but a lot of women and men too think that's great. Somebody's got to do it and many men seem to think their part in baby creation isn't real. let the women deal with it, but they have to have the baby, etc. etc. takes two, remember?!
Someone posted:
Why should "pink" collar jobs pay any less that factory jobs that are typically male.
Because factory jobs are more physically demanding and unsafe vs pink collar jobs. Older workers typically can't do hard physical labor. One can type and answer a telephone well into one's sixties.
Some people are always trying to find sexism and discrimination where non exists.
15
Actually no, there is more to it than that. Male dominated fields that begin to shift to female domination-the pay goes down. This has nothing to do with physical labor jobs, as you have a clear point on that...this has to do with the gender bias that is in our bones. https://www.payscale.com/career-news/2016/03/when-an-occupation-becomes-...
5
Jobs should pay more relative to the cost of learning to perform them, specifically a college education, and the profits delivered to employers by those so trained. Being physically demanding should have no bearing on the wage a job pays. Nor should working conditions or the hours involved (is, shift differential). That's a result of fate and/or life choices. Most of the difference between blue and pink collar jobs is due to the organized extortion of thuggish unions (see: Amazon walkouts in Germany today).
3
I'd like you to monitor a school playground of 210 very needy eight and nine year olds with only two other adults. Each one of these children has a story - at least some have been abused or neglected at home. Some have, as they will readily self-report "anger issues." Others will confide in you (if you are willing to listen) that they are in counseling for anxiety. Some are on geniuses. Some are on the autism spectrum. Some have been known to try to run away. Oh, did I mention that this school has 75 percent of the kids on free or reduced lunch? Add hunger and not-warm-enough clothing to their list of issues.
You have to be physically fit to be able to help pick up a child that has fallen and needs to go to the school nurse. You have to be on guard - with good eyesight - scanning for runners and willing and able to chase after then. And you have to be physically fit to be able to join in a brief game of four square, kickball, jump rope, hopscotch, basketball or soccer. Kids love it when the monitors join in their games. Playing games with the kids helps build relationship and trust with them.
But more than physical fitness, you've got to be emotionally healthy - enough never to raise your hand in frustration - and to have dealt with your own issues. So when two or more kids are having a disagreement or argument, you mediate and moderate without becoming angry or defensive.
Your local school would probably welcome you as a volunteer monitor. Could you hack it?
11
New just in! Men and women are different. Boys and girls are different. Stop the presses! Men are bigger, stronger and more aggressive than women, and giving a 3 year-old girl a toy truck won't change that. Fathers worry about their daughters walking home alone at night and being pulled into an alley by 2 guys. They don't worry about 2 girls pulling their sons into an alley. If I have to explain that I might as well stop right here. Men and women are differently physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Neither is better, they are just different. As physical strength becomes less and less relevant, and as technology advances, women's talents and native intelligence become more and more valuable and with their great strides in education women are approaching a "golden age" which sensible men welcome.
43
Fathers worry about their daughters walking alone at night because of boys who were raised believing that aggression is their birthright and "pulling" girls into alleys because they are stronger and bigger is acceptable, not because their daughters are lacking in some basic skill or ability.
I find your comment really irritating not only because of the snide tone and sarcasm, great tools at shaming women into silence, but because of your basic assumption that women are to blame for their lack of opportunity and stature in a male dominated world.
Wondering if you actually read this article. "While girls are being told to protect themselves, too many boys are growing into the men they need to be protected from." is one of the better points made here.
Necessary changes to longstanding entitlements will always be resisted by some, using the same arguments you've made, but it won't keep change from happening. Raising our boys differently than you were raised will be the key.
16
No one with any sense faults girls and women for being prudent. Sensible people (men and women) tend to behave sensibly. Some bad guys might want to drag a woman into an alley, but not because they were raised with a sense of entitlement but because they are evil. There are evil people of every race, color, creed, and gender, and if you don't know that then maybe society needs to raise girls differently than you were raised. I don't believe in collective guilt, so your shaming shtick won't fly. Trying to shame all men for the actions of a few is a non-starter. It might work in your little circle but goes nowhere in the real world. Women are making significant progress around the world, why do you denigrate that success? Come out of your silo and try to get around a little more.
Too bad fathers don't worry about their sons pulling other father's daughters into alleys. Do I have to explain that you missed the point of the article?
3
Except that K-8 educators generally do everything in their power to lionize the 'good girl' behavior and demonize the risk taking and assertiveness from any child. And girls themselves value the good girl in other girls. The social pressure from peers to sit quietly in school, follow instructions and get good grades is fierce. Girls who behave 'like boys' are rejected by other girls.
The pressure to be a good girl is far wider spread and deeper than parental expectations.
31
Less subtle: in my 20s, I finally took a serious "model mugging" self defense class in which women got to experience physically fighting back (most for the first time). Many men and women I knew thought this was really strange, even aggressive, hostile behavior. If you think not volunteering to be "the helper" at work irks people, try telling them you've been practicing kicking an attacking man full force in the head. This isn't nice talk. We hear about women being raped every single day, we watch it in movies, it's entertainment. But unless it's a comic book heroine like Wonder Woman (and even this comic book show of force seems deeply disturbing to most men) the predominant cultural message to women in 2017 still seems to be: don't fight back. It's unladylike.
I say all this having just left a job rather than fight back against an harasser, because my female boss was defending him, telling me I was a bad match for the organization's culture, and that everybody loves this guy. You know, it might have just been easier if I could have kicked him in the head. But I couldn't, so I had to leave a job I interviewed 5 months for. The haters still win, and now here I am, a woman who has tried to figure out how to navigate the hating her whole life, trying to be direct, trying to give myself the tools and skills. Here I'm left, feeling like the one who lost. Oh, yeah, and I don't have a job. Remember that question everyone asks "why didn't she leave her job?" I'll tell you why.
142
You should not have quit before you had another job, you also should have filed charges against both your boss and the person harassing you. But it is too late now. You also did not say what type of harassment. Many times people feel they were harassed but in reality, it did not meet the definition. And if your harassment did meet the definition and the company and they refused to do anything, it is better that you left before they trumped up charges against you.
I have had more problems with female bosses than I ever did with male bosses. The men I worked with had no problems with assertive, intelligent, confident women, but the women bosses sure as heck did.
Just horrible and sadly too common of an experience. Don't give up!!
I wish you had stayed, fought the perpetrator and his enabler, found a senior manager to confide in, if need be sought legal advice. it might not be too late for a lawyer.
1
I was raised in a “non-sexist” way that I’m sure Ms. Filipovic would entirely approve of. But rather than feel confident, I felt rejected. I was a very feminine girl and even as an adult that’s not really acceptable today.
In parenting, kind people often respond to what the child already has. If a boy is daring, people will praise him for that. If a girl is “good” — sitting still in class, studying hard — her parents will tell her how great that is. If you try to change kids, it’s unfair. I was never complemented on the girl stuff and I certainly felt bad that I wasn’t bold on the soccer pitch!
In contrast I’ve raised my children in a sexist manner sometimes. But I love when my teenage son insists on carrying all the groceries. Sexism has it’s upsides.
I object, as well, to Filipovic implying that a quarter of families having stay-at-home moms is a bad thing. Being a mother is an extremely powerful role, especially when viewed by children. The mother makes the rules, enforces them, and makes all the decisions of daily life. Often her husband defers to her wishes and judgement even when he is home. The special power and respect accorded to a traditional mother in both her own daily life (more than the average cubicle slave certainly) and with her family is entirely unacknowledged by modern feminists.
32
RE: Girls today receive two conflicting messages: Be mighty and be good.
WOW! This really says it all about the author if she thinks mighty and good are mutually exclusive.
Also a news flash for Jill Filipovic: males are females are vastly different. And no amount of wishing it were not does hange biology. My parents treated the boys different from the girls and rightly so.
12
The author isn't saying that there aren't gender differences. She's saying that we as a society amplify those differences by the way we raise children.
I feel optimistic that we're already seeing changes. My son-in-law shares equally in child-rearing and household chores, and both have solid careers--a model that I think is becoming ever more prevalent in our society.
1
my last GF was mighty good
and when she was bad - she was fantastic !
Just read "The Power" by Naomi Alderman and it convinced me more than ever that our gender roles are socially constructed. It's set in a sci-fi world in which women rule, and do it just as badly as men. Like the adage says, power corrupts. But if women want to stop being victims in today's world, they must grab their power. Men aren't going to give it up. Women must fight back physically, viciously, when sexually assaulted and legally/politically when harassed.
8
We also have to teach girls to respect and be more supportive of one another. Women are very often their own worst enemy. The competition is so fierce. Many men find it amusing too.
29
The majority of white woman voters voted for Trump a known abuser of women. Why. When I was in highschool 60 years I saw many girls with boyfriends who physically and emotionally abused them and I never understood that. As an adult I heard woman denounce ex husbands and boyfriends saying what awful people they were , usually a vulgar description. I would ask why were you with them in the first place and never got a good answer. Woman reward bad male behavior, and as long as they do that it will continue.
12
Millions of men are feminists, and millions of women aren't. That's part of our cultural upbringing too.
2
This piece needs to take biological imperatives into consideration. That it flatly ignores this reality negates its value. Studies show that in the most feminized, gynocentric cultures, women gravitate toward the same work they've always held, traditionally: teaching, care-taking, and anything to do with language development. Hmmm. Wonder why that is.
What I've observed, regarding the "good" assertion, is that women reinforce this rule on other women. Step outside of whatever rules of social behavior have been determined -- and the women will mercilessly castigate you for it. In my own experience, should I so much have ventured an opposing opinion, they'd waste no time exiling me to Risk Island, where thankfully there were plenty of free-wheeling, non-judgmental boys to play with. I don't know what I would have done without them.
And, despite a non-gendered upbringing (where I was praised for my bravery, risk-taking, and assertiveness) I became a teacher of language. I could go on and on about how I've tried to escape the biological realities of my sex, only to have nature remind me, time and time again, that it mostly comes naturally.
On a lighter note, having played mostly with boys, in a gender-non-specific culture perhaps this means that boys can be boys because there are no girls to be "good" around or otherwise suffer severe consequences.
12
Girls and any high affect people move toward caring. We are all born into the spectrum of affect - the complexity of our neural network - the higher the affect the more an individual is compelled to care. Low affect people must develop a cognitive understanding of empathy to care. There are gender norms in affect, but it is like two overlapping bell curves, with standard deviations and outliers - so if you scratch your head about how masculine women who are sexually attracted to women will also be comfortable and seek out the companionship of men and how men with feminine traits who prefer male sex partners but also enjoy the company of feminine women, now you can grok that a little bit more - gender and sexuality are defined by many influences, it is one outcome from many sources, and one source is the level of affect you are born with.
1
It’s mystifying to read female writers discussing what it’s like to be a boy. “[B]oys move through the world not nearly as encumbered and certainly not seeing their own bodies as sources of weakness or objects for others’ desires.”
Certainly? Leaving aside how the author reached this level of surety about the inner life of boys, having never been one, and forgoing any discussion of the countless boys who are sexually victimized each year and how this impacts not just the victims but all boys (as it does all girls), it doesn’t take much imagination to see the faults in the pervasive narrative about the ease and safety in which boys and young men move through the world. Just read the headlines. Trevon Martin. Tamir Rice. Michael Brown. That particular list is long. But it’s not just boys of color, and the constant threat of violence isn’t limited to interactions with the police.
Boys are inundated with violence and it’s threat, their bodies objects that receive violence and inflict it. If one thinks this doesn’t create a pathology of fear and anxiety, one is biasing one’s social observations in favor of convenient political talking points. In a culture obsessed with one-up victimhood, telling stories about other people’s/groups’ privileged lives is as common among the bloggerati as analyses of the roots of the fraying of the social contract.
We don’t need “womansplaining” any more than we need mansplaining. Let’s focus on the problem instead of comparing pathologies.
34
The author probably found "this level of surety about the inner life of boys, having never been one" the same way that transgender-identified males know what it is to feel like a woman.
1
yes - I understand more males die in their youth - it's actually more dangerous to be a male - try edging closer to another male standing at a public toilet urinal and see how quickly threat hackles get raised !
my best friend had his teeth punched in because he was a gay male in a public toilet.
not that many people are looking out to protect weaker males - they're just regarded as dweebs and losers - no vulnerability attraction there - just left alone to be lonely.
Australia I believe has the highest male youth suicide rate - all tough guys ? - except those who don't feel that way inside - and kill themselves because they didn't feel they could reveal their feelings to anyone who cared.
I'd love to be able to filter the comments for this article to remove the Concern Trolling and the What-About-The-Boys. At least initially.
12
We've had mountain lions occasionally pass through my state, and black bears are sometimes seen far outside their ordinary habitat. The state conservation department says they are likely young males staking out new territory, sometimes thousands of miles from where they were born. Had they remained in their original territory, they would have faced fierce competition and possible death from other males. Such peripatetic risk-taking and competitive aggression are common among males of many species, not as common among female animals.
I am just pointing this out because the author of this piece declares that male humans "have been raised" to embrace risk-taking and aggression, minimizing the fact that these are innate qualities of the testosterone that makes them male. I'm not saying female humans should be more of one thing or another. But to what degree are roles nature and to what degree nurture? That would be a deeper and more complex discussion.
248
Unfortunately, it's not a discussion that can be undertaken in a comment. However, many boys and men are risk-averse and diffident, so testosterone is obviously not the whole story. We don't yet know the whole story, so I think raising children to be both cooperative and assertive, regardless of gender, is a worthwhile idea.
6
Your point is valid and well articulated, but fails to take into consideration that human males don't face the same threats of regional extinction as other animals who lack the use of language and the understanding of biology --aspects that can be influenced by the nurture aspect you question.
2
A "deeper and more complex discussion" should not start with cherry picking facts about animal behaviors and applying them to raising human children. This opinion piece is about how we condition girls to have a different framing of success than we do for boys and how it hurts girls and society in general in the long run. Your animal fact is about animal reproduction in natural lands.
I am both a nanny and an ecologist and never in a million years would I ever apply what I learned about animal territorial behavior to teaching children of any gender about morality and success. Not the same ballpark, not even the same sport.
6
The reasoning of this column is based on an obvious falsehood: that differences between the sexes are 100% because of nurture, and nature (genetics, chemistry) plays no role at all.
If general differences - including behavioral differences - between men and women weren't related to nature, we wouldn't be here. There would be no humans. We'd have gone extinct long ago.
Males and females are equally important and equally powerful, but generally different by sex, in a natural state.
Of course, every individual is different. I voted for H. Clinton because she was by far the best candidate, and I think she would have been quite good as president (and, not just compared to the disaster we have in the Oval Office these days).
I gave money to a national effort to encourage women political leaders because we need better leaders, not because women necessarily make better leaders than men - they don't.
I raise my two daughters to succeed in life and not be limited by anything other than their own wishes and abilities, and I raise my son the same way, even though I know that my daughters might choose to do the most powerful thing a human can do, i.e., create another one, while my son won't ever have that choice on his own.
The falsehood that sex differences are all from nurture, not nature, (Oh, and BTW, if there are problems, blame the men) is so often repeated by interested parties, and it's so obviously wrong, I'd call it a motivated lie. Please stop.
246
Astrochimpo, women most certainly can blame the men for the patriarchal systems promoted by western culture for centuries that basically enslaved women to men through marriage and legal restrictions that relegated women to the status if children. Women and girls could not go to school, inherit or control property, travel independently, vote and were barred from a whole array of professions based on the premise that it would have been "unnatural" for women to do so....so spare me the lecture and the whining about being "blamed." Talk about a "motivated lie." Open your eyes.
9
It's essential to remember that not everybody is fortunate enough to be raised by a parent such as yourself. As much as I can understand your perspective, it seems you and people who think similarly forget that most of the world do not raise their children with the values you have instilled in your children, which renders your comment as close minded and insensitive.
4
Bravo. How refreshing. I hope you get your wishes for your children and that ideologues -- either of left or right -- don't put them in boxes.
Despite the seemingly slow pace of change, attitudes toward and of females are changing. My mother, born in the '30s, was the first in her family to go to college and the only one at graduate school. She was opinionated, loud and not afraid of speaking her mind. She didn't believe in women wearing make-up or dying their hair as it perpetuated the "fairer and younger-looking sex" stereotype. But ironically she believed in raising her daughters to be "good" and stayed at home most of her career to care for her family. She spent most of her life feeling unfulfilled, depressed and angry. My dad, on the other hand, was a force of nature, said what he wanted, did what he wanted, rubbed people the wrong way and became a luminary in his field because of it. AND loved every minute of it. It was a no brainer that I wanted to grow up like him.
I have worked my whole life and married a mostly stay at home dad. I played competitive sports, that has helped with my confidence in the workplace and taking risks. I still try to be feminine and "good"---my mom's teaching hard to shake.
My elementary school daughter won't wear "pretty" clothes, roughhouses with her dad, likes baby animals, befriends mostly girls and identifies as a girl. Yet she wants strangers to think she's a boy, but hates being called "buddy" as a result. She wants to be POTUS, a Supreme Court judge and a CEO at the same time. I hope society doesn't get in her way.
142
Papaya - WOW! I loved your comment more than the article (no disrespect Ms. Filipovic). I think your elementary school daughter has some awesome role models in her life and will end up doing and being wherever her heart and mind and brain take her. Why not all three? However, being the POTUS, SU Judge and CEO at the same time could prove to have some conflict of interest issues going on in the background. Anyway, I truly enjoyed your comment and your spin on things.
1
I have always disliked "buddy".
2
A female who did what she wanted and rubbed people the wrong way would have a hard time surviving in the workplace, let alone become a luminary in their field.
This is a thoughtful and compelling commentary—and it rings true for my cultural milieu. The problem description is especially apt. The briefly stated solution, however, needs something more. It’s not enough to teach our children how to be empowered in a future society. We also have to prepare them to live in the existing jungle. For girls and women, pepper spray, both literally and figuratively, has to be in the mix.
3
Most women I know who have children are an equal bread winner alongside of their equal bread winner husbands. They would LOVE the opportunity to stay home and raise their kids but cannot because both incomes are a necessity in today's household and economy.
My only question throughout this entire essay is this - nothing is ever mentioned about the child's happiness. The given "good girl" model of being "well-behaved, college-bound A students who played sports, had a full roster of extracurricular activities and were expected (by our parents and ourselves) to be moving toward successful careers" is all fine and wonderful, but a key ingredient that seems to be missing is asking and observing whether or not the daughter OR son are happy. Shouldn't the intrinsic qualities of a child be as important, if not more important than merely getting A's in school, being well behaved and having a ton of extracurricular activities?
37
Really? They would LOVE to STAY HOME? It's mostly poor women who lack childcare who care full time for their babies.
"Men, on the other hand, have been raised to embrace risk-taking and aggression." Yes, that's true. "Boys move through the works not nearly as encumbered." Yes, until they are incarcerated or incapacitated by severe injury.
A good deal of the etiology of male behavior comes from the teleological effects of testosterone on their bodies, and the synergistic effect of testosterone with neurotransmitter substances.
We cannot undo mother nature. We can have strict laws against sexual harassment, equal pay for women, and more encouragement for women in science and math for women.
You observe young boys and many like to tussle and fight and break things. I have never seen girls with that penchant. Hence, perhaps we should make it a priority in electing women as legislators and heads of state.
Ms. Filipovic describes the differences in the female ontogeny as a disadvantage in their lives and careers. Today in many cases, it is. However, female traits may also be the strength and salvation of our society.
37
"A good deal of the etiology of male behavior comes from the teleological effects of testosterone on their bodies, and the synergistic effect of testosterone with neurotransmitter substances."
Nice, big words you got there. No science to back them up, but big words and just-so stories. Citations needed.
3
"A good deal of the etiology of male behavior comes from the teleological effects of testosterone on their bodies, and the synergistic effect of testosterone with neurotransmitter substances."
Does the difference in testosterone explain the different selection of toys marketed to female and male toddlers?
3
Women raise their sons to be the men those women eventually detest. "Big boys don't cry." "You're the man in the family while Dad is away." etc.
My husband and I are cisgender parents raising a transgender child, and it's an eye-opening experience. When we all were working together on a house-construction project last week, my husband got irritated that our son (assigned female at birth) stopped helping after 20 minutes. I asked my husband if he'd have been annoyed at that if our son were (still) our daughter, and my husband didn't have a ready answer. Just now our son came in to show me his latest Lego creation--a set of housecleaning implements (broom, vacuum cleaner, mop) so his Lego people could clean the house for Thanksgiving. But since my husband does the lion's share of our housecleaning, I can't tell if this kind of play is gendered or not. We worry about our son's safety more than we did before his transition, but for different reasons (men in restrooms, bullying, hate crimes, risk of suicide), and we're equally protective but feel less effective, probably just because our child is gaining indepence, as kids do.
Parenting a gender-fluid or transgender child calls all of one's assumptions and biases about gender into question, and has convinced me that gender is both an artificial social construct (and changeable) and rooted in biology (and unavoidable). I wish everyone could know what it's like to be constantly aware of the gender spectrum. It's like being a mantis shrimp, able to see more colors than we ever knew existed.
38
Thank you for the post and for giving witness to the loving care, the constant reflection back on how you handled situations, and foresight you are bringing to bear on what is a new situation for many of us. I commend your living witness to the good that come when couples, schools, communities, a nation starts to change. May your son and you both thrive.
16
You failed to note how old your child is but perhaps your husband's upset was with the mere 20 minutes of effort they put in. I began spending weekends cleaning offices with my father (it was the second of his three jobs) at age 10 and quickly learned that everyone needs to pull their weight. Anything less was met with obvious disappointment. It was an important life lesson that I have followed in the 50 years since.
1
Way to be awesome parents! My Mom and Dad just told me over and over that I couldn't be a girl ever. I ended up eventually getting kicked out of MIT for being a drug addict and ended up almost dying.
Today Im a very happy trans-woman who makes great money and is married to another transgender woman. I own my own house, my wife and I both own businesses, and we are going on a 20 day vacation to Hawaii in January.
When I was growing up I loved boy stuff. I'm actually an Eagle Scout. I love 4x4s and guns and the outdoors. I thought I couldn't possibly be actually transgender for the longest time bc I didn't like ANY girly stuff.
Today I know better. I actually think transgender people are "allergic" psychologically to the hormones of their birth sex. I've talked to hundreds of trans people and the number 1 thing they tell me is that the second they started hormone therapy they felt better. Most trans women I've talked to said that testosterone felt like poison. For me, spirolactone and estrogen saved my life. Within 2 weeks I felt like I was finally myself.
It's not the gender roles that make someone transgender. I don't wear makeup and I don't wear fancy cloths and I'm definitely not passive. Yet, I'm still transgender.
Here is my one piece of advice. Find other transgender people for your son. Almost all of my friends are transgender or queer. My wife's apprentice is a transgender man. Trans people need to band together to survive and thrive.
1
As the parents of two girls we avoided most of the stuff you lay out here, which I know from experience is the nurturing experience of most girls.
Both of us were educated in the Humanities and were very much involved in the liberal arts. We were what was called non-conformists, hence the avoiding of things like forcing our children to like and participate in"sports", or "cheer-leading" which in my opinion is one of the most sexist things going and the seed bed of all kinds of sexist behavior training for both boys and girls.
What I am missing in this otherwise good piece are couple of things.
1. Parents, a man and a woman, are the product of parents, who were the products of parents and so on. So what we are dealing with is more of a cultural thing than a sex driven thing.
2. The generation and imposition of female and male roles on our children is changing rapidly. A huge factor in the change is that consciousness in women and men is rapidly expanding. Many, not all by along shot, but many parents are actually developing relationships between them selves that are based on their common humanity rather than their genitalia. This fact apparent also in those who are single. People are beginning to identify as human beings first. this fact is also behind the explosive elimination of homophobia, and the huge shifts in racism. These diseases of ignorance, all of the "isms", will rapidly, considering how log they have bee poisoning our lives, dissipate.
13
This column underestimates the contribution to biology to gender differences. Just look at the differences in behavior for other mammals. Men and women are different, and no amount of social engineering is good no to change that. To think that, just because we have self aware brains, things will be different for our species is naïveté.
21
Not at all. For example, just because a female can get pregnant, doesn't mean she's going to be a good, or competent mother. Nor should social engineering force her to think that her only worth is to be able to get pregnant or raise children, even against her own instincts to NOT want any children.
Social engineering has been more the arbiter of lost potential in children of both genders. Rather than respecting what's in the individual through opportunity for all.
9
Citations needed.
Just so stories aren't science. Oh, and you might look up how hyena families work - might enlighten you with actual facts.
2
This was the stock response of many lawmakers at the beginning of the women's push toward the franchise in the late nineteenth century. These pioneers were often considered unnatural women pursuing unnatural goals, since a husband represented his wife's interests and most women were thought to have no interest in the world beyond their families.
I think many readers are throwing up a red herring; the author doesn't claim there are no gender differences. She's arguing that we should allow all our children--male and female--to reach their full potential without our biases interfering.
2
If we as a society really want to do something about this, I propose that we start at the root: names.
Our prevailing patronymic system sends a very unsubtle massage to young boys and girls that the former are better or more important in some fundamental way that seems to be accepted by everyone in our society.
Our two daughters have their mom's last name and my last name as a middle name. If we had a son we would have switched. (You don't even want to know what hyphenation would have looked like). 27 years ago, before #1 was born or we even knew the gender, we agreed that this was a sensible way to provide some continuity, predictability, and most of all gender equality in how we name our children.
I wish I could say we started a revolution, but among all our wonderful friends and acquaintances, including couples where the female kept her last name, I know of only one couple who legally changed their daughter's name after hearing the idea, another who independently arrived at the same idea, and no others who adopted the same or maybe a similar approach.
By the way, #1 is finishing her PhD in nanoelectronics and runs ultramarathons in her spare time. #2 is doing a Master's degree in space physics and is an accomplished photographer. Both are very independent and self-assured women. They may have encountered some societal gender-specific resistance along the way, but I hope and believe that the way we named and raised them contributed to their self-confidence and success.
31
Are there any long term studies about how gay couples (female or male) raise their children and how gender roles come into play?
7
I have long been grateful that my first-generation Italian immigrant father didn’t get a son until way down the six-children line. He and my mom raised us up strong and independent as well as “good,” and I personally benefitted greatly as he and I are intellectually and temperamentally very alike, and to this day we enjoy a pretty special bond. But it might not have happened if my one brother had been born first. That’s sad to acknowledge, but probably true.
31
America hasn't move more than an inch or two from the definitions I was told in 1960:
A good girl goes on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. A nice girl goes on a date, goes to bed, and goes home.
Our goodness is assumed to depend on whether or not men see us as "easy" sex partners.
8
Hopefully some of the events of 2017 will have changed much of that.
So....playing with dolls is "quiet, care-taking" play but the things boy play with are superior, build strength and power and character?
Except nearly every little boy I know today plays almost exclusively with electronics -- video games, Xbox, Playstation, etc. -- indoors -- on computers or tablets for HOURS daily.
How is this not quiet? how is this not simply a different kind of role-playing, adult-modeling behavior?
The days when little boys were "rough & tough" and ran outdoors and played with forest and pretend guns, and did simply sports (not organized) like sandlot baseball or "dodge ball" -- are long, long over. This is not 1950 or 1960 or 1970.
BTW: colors have no gender.
14
Equal Pay laws and passing the ERA ... would be real signs that women and girls are to be respected and have the same worth as a man or boy.
I could go on, but those steps would have real world impact on the status of of a majority group of the American population who remain unrecognized as worthy of constitutional protection.
308
Equal pay laws and passing the ERA would also induce parents to fully embrace the fact that their daughters are equal citizens under the law. Thus the parents would treat them as equal to boys, not as little princesses who need to find a man to take care of them.
2
What legal rights do men have that women don't have?
A lot of ERA supports somehow think legislation will negate biology.
A sad day indeed when the ERA failed back in 1982. We learned then that women are simply not thought of as equal to men. Still true to the extent that Donald Trump is the president and apparently immune from the charges of sexual harassment and assault that are bringing so many others down. this country has become so weird I barely recognize it. Starting now with Alabama...
2
Here’s a whole other perspective on this. I completely agree women are expected to be ‘good girls’ while guys get extra glory for less effort, and I work in tech. BUT men have been my biggest champions professionally. Much more so than women. Only women have sabotaged me professionally, not men. Women perpetuate too much of what holds other women back. And it must be difficult for men trying to lead a team or a company to see the subversive damage that *women* do to other women. I know plenty of women who have a bias against other women. They exist. How do you call that out?
147
I was harassed and made miserable by my last boss, a woman. I called her, a Junior Man, a republican, and thought people could pull themselves up by their bootstraps. She ruled by humiliation and then she'd go into her office and I could hear her laughing and joking with the 'in-group' she had with her subordinates. The cruelty and callousness of this was pure nastiness.
You are absolutely right. Some women learn the patriarchal model. This one was a Queen bee and no one in management ever addressed it.
"They knew and they let it happen." (Comment made by a sexual abuse survivor of pedophile priests from "Spotlight", a movie about the team of reporters who broke the story of the Catholic Church's perfidy in the Boston area).
4
How about by not generalising on the basis of gender? How about identifying -what- is being targeted and -why- it's being targeted rather than by automatically going into a gender-based 'my kind versus the other' battle? You think that might work?
2
@Studioroom: Maybe make some better friends?
Throughout my career the only people who have ever taken an interest or encouraged me have been female. Most of my male bosses never even bothered to talk to me. Every time I had a female boss, I was promoted; no male boss ever promoted me.
I have had men at work or in school tell me to shut up, to "stop talking so much," "quit begging for attention," and so on. Women, on the other hand, have encouraged me with praise, sought my opinion on many issues, and been loyal to me throughout my lifetime. I have had some women friends for more than thirty years, and still work with many women who are wonderful people.
So ... my anecdotal evidence basically cancels out yours, and I would suggest that you have not yet encountered the many great women out there. Time to go find them.
3
What an article. I thought I had picked up a paper from 1970. What's next, the breaking news that it gets dark at night? I had hoped we'd be far past this ridiculous misogyny when I started law school, but it's worse than ever. I've practiced law for 34 years now, and again this morning, I had to assure a gentleman that, yes, I was a "real" lawyer. We're second class citizens and, face it, we always will be. The concepts of race and nationality will fade in 100 generations, but the distinction between male and female is eternal.
27
I fear that what you say is true. It's no surprise that we elected a black man as POTUS before any woman.
3
I remember my grandmother telling me that she would never go to a female doctor because she wanted only the best. Now her great-granddaughter is a doctor.
We're changing, but it's slow.
2
Ok well and good. I'm on board. But shouldn't there be an article about how to bring boys along given how many are falling behind. As noted in the article boys/men are falling behind and guess what happens when men fall behind, they get a lot more dangerous and violent. I think for the last 30 years we as a society have focused on lifting women up, maybe not to the detriment of men per se, but we have diverted our eyes form men to more closely focus on women. These men are becoming the Trump voter, angry, misogynist and violent. Just a thought.
39
If men are becoming increasingly angry, violent and misogynistic, that is not the fault of women taking what is theirs but rather the entitlement mentality that such men are somehow owed good jobs at good wages and all the trappings without the natural competition of the global economy. I was recently getting a company car serviced at the auto service department of a national retailer that has long been in steep decline. One of the oil change "specialists" was complaining to a co-worker that he hasn't had a raise in three years and therefore couldn't afford to take his girlfriend to Orlando over the Christmas holidays as he'd hoped to do. I was trained as an auto mechanic forty years ago and knew then that doing such work shouldn't provide any more than basic survival since it doesn't take four years and a quarter million dollars of college education to perform. What have we been teaching these snowflakes in the last four decades?
5
One thing that feminism has taught us is how much men suffer from toxic masculinity, too. By encouraging emotional intelligence development and caretaking skills in male children, as I observe is happening (at least in my corner of the world) among the very young today, I hope that the lag will start to fade. The angry men who feel the world is leaving them behind are vestiges of the insidious parenting philosophy the author describes, which I'm sure still exists in many places today. I can report, however, that in my anecdotal experience, at least, that a lot of the gendered behaviors among the very young children I saw growing up are less pronounced among the preschool-age-and-younger children I know today. I hope this leads to better outcomes for everyone as these kids grow up.
1
Having recently retired, I think there is some truth in your last remark. I think some become extremely jealous of a successful female boss and will erupt in a surprising jealous tirade. But the same person really doesn't want to work very hard and put in any extra hours. I'm afraid I didn't have a lot of sympathy for people like that.
With all due respect, the writer must not yet have children. My daughters aren't utopian experiments. They are real people living in the world as it currently is - which means that in my desperation to keep them safe (which will most often be from the men they know - and not strangers) I need to arm them with the judgment, knowledge and skills. Furthermore, this diehard feminist who never once wanted or owned a doll, let alone a princess dress - is the first to acknowledge that boys and girls emerge from the womb different, as a general stereotype. My sons impulse toward destruction is fascinating to me, while the girls rarely tear down, bang and destroy. It's fine to acknowledge these differences - the problem lies in the differentiated value our society and culture pay to the different skills and abilities. Why should "pink" collar jobs pay any less that factory jobs that are typically male. Nursing and teaching are highly skilled jobs that require a university degree. They are devalued not because of the skill set required, but because of how our culture values those skills. We need a society that values the work women do, regardless of the profession, not more women in welding
801
Sorry, but you have some lingering "essentialism" at work here. That's the idea that girls and boys are different in most important ways. There is nature and there is nurture and it's the jobs of parents to model and channel our children's energies so that respect for all is engendered in them. Yes, of course there are differences but not as many as you apparently think. The idea that boys are inherently inclined toward "destruction" is dangerous and IMHO anti-feminist.
6
My son wanted a tea set when he was 3 and a doll when he was 4. We lived in a rural area and there weren't a ton of kids his age around. He like what he liked. I admit that while I bought him a baby doll, it wasn't a big doll like he probably wanted and like I would've bought if he were a girl. I took him to get a tea set at the toy store and I was a little taken aback when he didn't go for the primary colors one. He liked the pink one with a face that sang "I'm a little teapot" when it was tipped. When we got it home, the boy next door, who was four, loved it too. Then my son went to nursery school and learned that boys were "supposed" to like different things. Nobody said this explicitly, they just made assumptions and steered him in the direction they thought was "obviously natural" and appropriate. He picked this up pretty quickly and for the most part conformed. But I think he missed out on some of his own personal joy by making this adjustment. I agree that babies are born with their little personalities already pretty developed. But I wouldn't be so quick to discount the overwhelming message of appropriate behavior, colors, toys etc. from infancy onward that influences choices, including behavior choices.
14
"I wouldn't be so quick to discount the overwhelming message of appropriate behavior, colors, toys etc. from infancy onward that influences choices, including behavior choices."
Correct, but you neglect to ask where those messages come from.
Hint(s):
All children used to wear the same clothes -dresses- until the ages of about 2-8 yrs
Men were the first wearers of high-heels
Boys commonly wore pink until The Gilded Age.
Unisex toys weren't color-coded until the late 70's
Gender-coding is a great way to make a new(!) product and sell unnecessary duplicates of it. Gender-coding is a great way to tell someone that they're inferior and must be sold a method of changing; it is a great way to convey expectations for behavior - "choosy moms choose" a product- while dads don't have to care?
Gender-coding is also a great framework to brainwash people into believing certain things about themselves - that they must or must not belong or conform to a certain group because of the gendered choices they make, even going to lengths to make expensive and dangerous changes to their bodies.
Abolition of the unequal gender framework will require conversion to an economy which has as its purpose NOT the unending pursuit of growth and wealth,
but
a society with the express purpose of making it easy to live in balance with one another and nature.
7
In this society girls and boys both need to be protected. My wife and I both cautioned our sons at an early age not to get into cars of people, who aren't parents of friends that we know etc. When my younger son was four I asked him what he would do if a man said, "come over here, I have a toy for you." He answered, "I'd go see what it is." Buzzer, "wrong answer," I said." I then told him why. Fortunately he's now 37, successful, as is his older brother, and both are joys to be with.
18
Like it or not, Hollywood sets the tone for a lot of people's perception of how men and women behave. TV and movies hyper-sexualize women and create macho he-men that children and many adults view and try to emulate. We see fictional female homicide detectives on TV and movies running around in push-up bras, stilettos and low cut tops - male fantasy "tough girls". We get pink drenched princess movies and gun-toting male vigilante movies where women are decorative accessories to be brutally murdered or protected because they are so helpless. It is relentless. The few exceptions where women get to be the strong ones, like Hunger Games, are remarkable for their rarity. Too many men who think like Harvey Weinstein (even if they don't behave as badly as he did) get to set the narrative of how men and women should behave in 21st century America. That is a scary thought.
The entertainment industry is a cesspool of sexism and people consume mass quantities of it, from the time they are toddlers. Until that industry stops it gross sexual (and racial) stereotypes, it seems to me parents are fighting a very tough battle against gender assumptions and prejudices.
55
Just look at the difference between our previous kind, thoughtful, intelligent President - and the ignorant, impulsive, self-centered bully who currently occupies that office. How boys are raised matters.
185
Sorry, but Obama's "thoughtful" manner concealed a ruthless statist who wanted the federal government to intrude upon and take over every element of our lives through executive orders. I'll take the guy with a big mouth who wants the government to leave us alone over the polite guy who wants it to run our lives.
1
Humanswith testosterone in their systems act male - pushy, aggressive, strong, non-verbal. They grow muscles, their voices deepen. Those with estrogens are passive, nurturing and care-giving. They yield and nurse, they talk and listen to each other! The easiest way to equalize sexual behaviors in our culture would be to give shots of the desired hormones to each child.
8
Not true. Millions of men with testosterone in their systems aren't pushy, aggressive, strong and non-verbal. Millions of women with estrogen are anything but passive, nurturing and care-giving. Hormones undoubtedly play a role--especially on the developing fetus in the womb--but we don't fully understand that role yet.
The issue isn't making all children alike. It's giving every child the right to reach his/her potential without gender bias.
2
If women are naturally passive than why is the gold standard for ferocity a "mother bear" or other mother defending its offspring?
And why do we say "boys will be boys" and condone aggressive, pushy, "strong" behavior in pre-pubescent boys when they don't have testosterone until they are much, much older?
It's not simply an issue of hormones. It's an issue of social conditioning.
1
Where is your evidence? Boys are sexually molested. Boys are victims of bullying. Boys can have overprotective parents. Ms. Filipovic writes about gender issues with extreme gender bias and classic stereotypes. Protecting minor children is really a microaggression against little girls? Really? How insane. Little boys are physically aggressive? Well, little girls are emotionally aggressive, especially toward other girls. Mean girls is more than just a movie. And Ms. Filipovic claims that she and others should determine the proper gender roles, and the relative merits of gender roles, because this "mean" girl knows how others should be socialized. Save us from these people, please.
96
I so agree with you. I felt like I was back in 1970!
Things have progressed. Just because it's not a perfect world doesn't mean there hasn't been progress.
3
I've been a teacher for over 20 years and let me tell you that there are as many "mean boys" as there are "mean girls." Boys gossip just as much as girls.
And anyway her article alluded to how we tend to reinforce, value and/or excuse aggressive behavior in boys but not in girls. Did you even read it?
1
Mean girl, bingo!
To the extent that dad's worldview bias - as tinged with love as it may have been - disempowered you...
...read Maureen Dowd's interview with Anne Wojcicki - in this very NYT
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/18/style/anne-wojcicki-23andme-genetics....
To me, it was the most spellbinding and least catty column written by Mo, in the past decade...
Anne had empowered Mo - for at least one article - without her even having realized it...
Read it - and be empowered...
The most powerful narrative - and narratives - are gender-blind...
As far as daughters of conservative men...
Ivanka Trump and Meghan McCain come to mind...
6
Within the family, I helped, because a family is a cooperative arrangement. Outside the family, I was taught to learn and succeed in taking care of myself. Of course, mine was effectively an all female family, three generations of highly educated professionals. That may be the difference.
5
I was taught be nice growing up.
My parents didn't count on that niceness making me a mark.
96
Females are also taught to be ashamed and feel guilty about human sexuality, which makes them more vulnerable to abuse, less likely to get help, and more likely to feel traumatized.
66
At some point we have to accept that Men and Women are biologically different and hard-wired differently through tens of thousands of years of evolution. Some months ago, the NYTimes had an article that a woman's brain literally changes during pregnancy in the months before she gives birth with (being simplistic here), the nurturing brain growing and the analytical brain shrinking. Yes, we should push equality, but also recognize that we are different and these differences are what has led to the survival of the species.
28
This is exactly the problematic thinking that the article critiques. Men and women are different, but that doesn't mean socialization should emphasize difference in turn. It should seek to minimize and redistribute the strengths of either sex to the opposite sex.
13
I never had a child. So what now?
3
This writer so well expresses what I have lived my whole life. I am the oldest of four children-two girls then two boys- who are all back home at our parents’ house for Thanksgiving. All of us were encouraged to pursue our dreams and told we could do whatever we wanted. At home, however, the rules were different for my sister and I because, “when you have girls you’ll understand.” I am 31, a doctor, and mother to a 4 month old. My mother just cooked breakfast herself, then I cleaned it up myself, all while my brothers chatted with my dad about taxes. My sister and I are in “helping professions,” medicine and education. My brothers are in business focused professions. I was praised for being, “so good,” for making my mother’s life easier, excelling in school, and being loved by teachers. My brothers were lauded by my mother for being so bold and outgoing, rowdy and quick, and when they were challenging it was, “boys will be boys.” I can’t wait to share this with them all.
109
hard to tell if you're bragging or complaining. Most men I know have more respect for the medical profession than they do for the CEO of Corp X (takes more smarts for one thing). Not all, but most. Also, were you somehow prevented from entering the business world instead of medicine? And what prevented you from asking your brothers to help with the cleanup if it was bothering you?
Your mother was correct, and no amount of feminist ranting will change the fact that men and women are different, physically and mentally and emotionally.
I appreciate that the author recognizes the need to raise boys with more emotional awareness. Emotional strength is a great resource. This seems to be the balance - women get more public power while men get more strength in themselves emotionally, a core strength that used to be reserved for women. Emotional strength and stoicism are not the same. Do women want this equality?
What the author misses, and what most of the articles in the nyt miss, is that many women do value themselves as 'good', which leads them to project 'badness' onto men. As an example, the nyt just published an article about a Texas Republican who had a consensual relationship with a mature woman. She posted nude photo of him on twitter, he was forced to apologize, and the nyt portrayed his personal life as out of control. When men post nude photos of their female partners online, they are rightly seen as jerks. When women do the same, men are blamed. Consistently blaming men, under all circumstances, is another consequence of the fantasy that women are virtuous, kind, and in need of protection. Are women prepared to go forward without this cultural ideal of women?
11
As an elected leader, he needs to be held to a higher standard, and, he was wrong to use her for his emotional and sexual benefit. As such, he needs to go and the sexists at the US Capitol Police who approached him to initiate an "investigation" need to go too. Women who assert themselves are not criminals.
3
It is not just the women who didn't report the harassment who had been "conditioned for acquiescence to authority and male power their whole lives". It is the same women who are more likely to be harassment. And no, I am not blaming the victim; I'm pointing out the reality that the guys who do this look for victims. Like other criminals/con men, there is an 'interview' stage, where they test the waters, see what they can get away with. A women who lets a comment slide or doesn't react when they stand/press too close, moves on to the possible/potential list. In an organization that has widespread harassment this interview stage is not as common (it is not needed), but in a normal organization, you find it all the time.
12
I agree to some extent. There are people who are easier victims. I am not one of them. I’ve never experienced outright abuse at work but I *still* have to acquiesce, to keep my mouth shut, too often and it’s definitely limited opportunities and money. Being a good girl looses you money in the long run.
2
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ms. Filipovic hits the nail on the head what a wave of social and developmental psychologists, (Pollack, Kimmel, Heldman, Way...others) for the past 20 years has been coming around to, an empirically grounded social science observation that nurture, or the power of social learning, is a much greater force that we formerly gave credence to. Boys will NOT be boys. "Boys will be boys," and "Girls will be girls," because we shape them to be so.
12
Whoa, we've already turned the education system into a "sit down and be quiet" , nothing allowed, quiet room.
No wonder the boys rebel, hate college and act out once they escape. We can do better.
There are gender differences that you can't change.
Its not nature vs nurture, but nature and nurture.
Don't ask why men dominate Engineering without asking why women dominate nursing for example.
We can certainly do better , treat each other better, but some things just aren't going to change.
5
says the man
24
says the woman
4
Cultural and gender biases run deep. Teaching an 8th grade business elective to low-income students, boys volunteer information, make decisions quickly and when handling money, the girls defer to them. I work to change that but by age 13, their world views are forming quickly. That said, all of them want to work hard - they need exposure to broader possibilities than their immediate, challenging neighborhood.
9
When I coached little league and it started to drizzle, the parents of each girl on the team took their child home, but none of the boys’ parents did. I don’t know exactly why that happened. The the girls parents see their daughters as more fragile. Are boys expected to get wet and muddy? Parents were keen on treating boys and girls the same until the rains came.
36
Maybe it happened because coach didn't make it clear that rain doesn't end a practice!
5
In the Amish communities, when it starts to rain, if there are women or small children in the buggy, the top is drawn up to cover them. If it is only men and older boys, they leave the top down and get soaked. Life should not be too cushy for men.
2
I've noticed that even the most independent and outspoken women are happy to let me change their tires if I offer.
3
I was raised to be "a good boy." Years later, I'm bedeviled by memories of times when I was not "good" and even when I was not good enough. Many women throughout history have been successful, able to live not by how they're "allowed" but how they want to be.
Ms. Filipovic seems to downplay that Mother Nature has created female humans different in some ways from male humans. Surely it's not all in being taught, however carefully, that conflicts, differences (vive la) are present. Human individuality can be unpleasant, irritating, unfair, abusive -- but individual differences have produced books, plays, movies, poems, songs, works of art and all the variables we human beings are heir to. Women I admire have not been deterred from "full expressions of rage" when mistreated. However, in the current harassment fury, anger often seems to make every possible mudball into a mountain. There are necessary degrees of difference in both actions and reactions. Does either sex have exclusive rights to being "good"? Have some women learned ways to success by "taking advantage" of male misbehavior? We don't know how many women (and men) owe their eventual success to "going along to get along." If we find that notion distasteful -- others don't. I was taught the importance of "Do unto others" as in "what if the shoe were on your own foot?" "Off with their heads!" demanded by the Queen, won't fit every perceived transgression. "Be mighty and be good"? Is it worth trying?
7
Growing up, I spent hours, sitting in the mud, ramming my Tonka truck into the truck belonging to the kid who lived across the street. After each wreck, to achieve the desired level of gore we'd put ketchup on the "drivers" and compare injuries. Then clean the participants, reset the crime scene and repeat until dark. We were rewarded with sore hands, several arguments, a couple of wrestling matches and 2 toys damaged beyond repair. While this was going on, my sisters were setting up tea parties with their dolls, helping each other set the table, discussing the idiots in the front yard, enjoying a quiet afternoon under a Maple tree, helping each other clear the table before going inside to read. This tells you pretty much all you need to know about Congress.
97
I think this is a good article, however what is missing is a reference to well-designed studies (published in the NYT, even) documenting the biases women face from other women in the workplace, not only men in the workplace. It is a real issue.
76
Ms. Filipovic suggests we raise boys more like girls, sure, but really we should raise both boys and girls with the freedom to take more risks. Growing up, I could roam my neighborhood. With the increased mobility of labor in the last generation, people aren't as connected to their hoods, and so don't feel comfortable letting their kids roam. That needs to be addressed.
In the meantime, adventure playgrounds like this one are a good transition: (https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/03/europes-adventure-...
6
We may teach girls to be "good" or presume that their behavior will generally "be good."
The flip side is the demonization of maleness. Boys are presumed to "be bad" and to be less intelligent. High school boys I have worked with have internalized the message, they routinely say that "girls are smart and boys are stupid." When teachers grade tests with identified student names, they grade girls higher. When anonymous testing is used, boys score just as well if not higher. That sure sounds like discrimination, but it must be ignored to perpetuate the 60-40 college graduation gap favoring women.
Whenever a famous man engages in sexual misconduct, immediately the "men police" come out and say "we can't allow 'boys to be boys'." But boys ARE boys. Using that phrase tells boys that their very being is bad, that being physical is bad, that being loud is bad, and that having sexual feelings is very, very, very bad.
Everybody wants women in leadership in every organization. Men who have a talent for leadership are supposed to do what? Stifle it? Or as Lindy West instructed men on NPR's Morning Edition: "Step Aside."
Do women want husbands who Step Aside? Do women want sons who Step Aside? And how will we treat all the boys and men who Step Aside? I wonder if Jill Filipovic or Lindy West have ever tipped their garbage men? I wonder if they even know who their garbage men are by name?
20
While I have no idea what tipping sanitation workers has to do with your comment, I will say that sanitation workers who are members of unions are well compensated for the work they do, as they should be. As are dock workers. And firefighters. However, most of these workers in these well compensated jobs are men. The “gently bred” women society seems to prefer are still struggling to break into these jobs and remain in jobs where they are paid less for the work they do. The middle of six children, I was fortunate to be raised with a strong and independent older sister and four brothers. I was out in the dirt and the trees with all of the rest of the kids. No “princess” stuff for me.
13
You just equated sexual misconduct with “normal” boy behavior. I expect boys to have self-control. Whose expectations do you think are actually good for boys and men? I manage to have sexual desires without the need to inflict it on other people regardless of their willingness, and you can too. I get hungry like everyone else, but I don’t steal my co-workers’ lunches because hey, it doesn’t belong to me. It’s not that hard to figure out unless you tell boys that it’s ok to *expect* girls to respond positively to any sort of sexual demand from a boy because “boys will be boys”.
17
Another factual misconception. Garbage collectors are NOT "well compensated."
According to US News, in 2015 the median income for a garbage collector was $33,800. The highest 10% of garbage collectors, all in expensive cities, earned less than $59,000. In those expensive cities that is a low-income job if you have event one child.
3
Jill Filipovic brings up excellent points about raising children. For me, the key point she made is that we as parents, teachers and role models need to change the way we raise boys. We must lose the 'boys will be boys' mentality. Boys are allowed to ignore their mistakes while girls take theirs personally.
Movies, games and sports have a huge impact on boys. Ads for movies often focus on guns and cleavage. Games focus on the power you wield when you use weapons that obliterate the enemy. Male sports has become a win at all costs mentality even if you have to injure an opposing player to get an edge. Their point of view is that compassion is a weakness.
With all the recent news of men's aggressive abuse of women, we must not let the 'boys be boys'. It is an opportune time to have these discussions and to act.
96
I am teaching my two granddaughters to be take charge, no nonsense, rebels. What I wanted to be at their age, and am NOW. " Good" girls are compliant, deferential and more likely to be victimized. Hell no.
86
As a recovering Wichitan, I hit the Recommend button on your comments more than anyone else's.
1
dwalker: thanks. Glad you escaped. I WILL live in Seattle, some fine day. That's the only reason I buy lottery tickets. And, the MAIN reason the Engineer has MUCHO life insurance. Just saying.
2
"Well behaved women seldom make history." Laurel Ulrich
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RE: When You Teach Girls to Be "Good" by Jill Filipovic
I agree with virtually all of your column, but I probably become a sexist when I say that I view women as the hope of the world. We men have screwed things up enough over the last five or ten thousand years. I look to women to provide the better half of humanity. To those positive traits that you slightly disparage, I disagree. I think being kind, gentle, thoughtful, and non-aggressively confrontive are the highest behaviors for the growth of our species. If we fail to develope those traits, I do not think we will make it. I actually think it is a miracle we have made it this far.
Kudos to your dad!
Another dad,
Chuck Saxton
35
What a thoughtful piece on what we, as parents, allow girls to do and what we do not. I continually remind my husband when he tries to excuse our daughters from yard chores, "You wouldn't excuse them if they were boys, and that is inherently sexist." He has slowly but surely come to realize the awesome responsibility we have to our future women leaders, blossoming in our home.
42
Sorry, but anatomy is destiny.
A woman was given a womb to hold a child.
A woman was given breasts to nurture that child.
A woman was given a sexually appealing figure to attract men so she can fulfill her main goal as a being of the human species to populate the world.
Anatomy is destiny.
And we are trying to overturn it.
It has only ended in massive failure with Americans divorce rate at 50%.
It has nothing to do with misogyny.
4
Hello Judy, as the father of two daughters, I raised them to know how to operate a paint brush, push a lawnmower, fix their bicycle and other skills they would need later in life.
Like all children, they were unique and one remains much more skilled in the "boy" skills, however the other has become equally skilled in the "girl" skills.
I also think it's important to teach boys the same skills, as well as the "girl" skills such as cooking, sewing etc. We all need a balance of the same skills to progress through life.
8
All women are born with a brain, and many with an intellect that they would like to use. Misogyny is a rather effective barrier to that.
10
"...because women have been conditioned for acquiescence to authority and male power their whole lives..." Really? Not me! I'm 57 and I got in trouble a lot in life for failing to recognize male authority and females were the worst enforcers. They hated that I didn't do the fake nice thing. I'm blunt and outspoken, but diplomatic as needed. It's worked out OK on balance. My mom was a great role model if bad assery, saying and doing what she wanted.
27
Teach people to be Brilliant.
4
Maybe this is true for the upscale white nuclear family. But after my divorce, I had my 2 kids every other week -- one boy, one girl. They got pretty much the same treatment because I had limited time and flew a lot by the seat of my pants. I had a woman friend who was an expert in pink and blue. Everyone liked her, but nobody wore pink or blue.
I made plenty of mistakes, especially that time I didn't think my daughter needed stitches. But my kids were more independent than their nuclear family friends. (Or you could say that they were both a little too stubborn.) My daughter's Barbie stuff got plenty of use. But she also wanted to go to baseball and basketball games. We crashed the local resorts and pretended to be rich people on holiday. And at 1 p.m. on the hottest day of the year -- insanity day -- we climbed Camelback Mountain with maybe fifty others. She had every water accessory known to mankind.
The kids' mother did her thing half the time, of course. I didn't ask too much about that. That's part of mutual respect. I had one brother and no close girl friends growing up. What I knew about raising a girl was nothing. So even if I had wanted to, I wouldn't have had a clue.
My son hasn't abused anyone. My daughter had a professor who expressed his undying love. He's now gone.
Now, if they'll just marry and give me grandkids to screw up.
17
There is certainly a need to review what and how we teach our young girls. But there are two other things we need to consider. First. What is a "woman"? Not just her societal role, but why and how she is different from a man - or is she?(physical differences aside). Humankind, ideally, is inclusive. But in reality, not so much. Second. We need to consider the role of women raising women. There is a great deal of discussion about the father figure. Less about the mother. Women themselves have dramatically different views about their daughters...who and what they want them to be. These are questions that may never be answered, but are at the heart of every issue today when we talk about gender.
9
I was taught well to be sweet and passive, now I am an old, angry lady who was never allowed to be me.
376
Not me! My mom was not sweet and passive. She modeled equality with my dad. She breast fed all 11 of her kids, ignoring male doctors who advised formula. I remember breastfeeding in the he 90s and an old lady telling me she regretted not having the confidence to do it. I told her you shouldn't have listened. My little girl would climb in the monkey bars and the old ladies asked wasn't I worried she would fall? I answered, how will she learn to climb if I don't let her?
30
With the upmost respect Carol, what is stopping you from not being angry any longer? Getting old is something that is out of everyone's control. But making assessments, choices and decisions to live a different life, a better life, is within any one's reach. Lamenting about the past keeps one chained to the past. Why not turn the page, stop being angry, allow yourself to be you, and start anew? Just a thought. I sincerely apologize if I have offended you.
5
It's NOT too late. Seriously.
6
I think the years-long and decades-long delays in the victims of the sexual harassment problems coming forward is telling. I hope more women start to equate being "good" with speaking up and making waves when someone else is doing something unethical or illegal. I can imagine women are taught to be quiet and passive "helpers," and I do think many of the sexual harassment victims kept quiet to keep their jobs and to preserve an image of "normalcy." I am the type of woman who speaks up quickly when I see something unethical or illegal going on, and I am not trying to convey a false image of "normalcy" all the time. In my decades long career, I have been hurt by gender biases, but I have never been sexually harassed.
25
Dr. Cynthia....you may not have been harassed, but you have fallen into the attribution bias trap and seem to blame the targets of harassment: I only wish that being assertive were enough to shield women from certain men's bad behavior. I suspect that many of the women who have come forward are just like you--assertive, accomplished, strong, who would not hesitate to speak up when they see something unethical or illegal. That's exactly what can threaten these guys. We live in a culture of male privilege and power, and some men respond to threats to their own place in this culture with sexual harassment (or worse). Culture change shouldn't just be the responsibility of dads or girls feeling strong in their bodies. Our culture is codified in laws, norms, formal processes, and serious consequences when the rules are violated. As soon as those serious consequences befall the perpetrators of sexual harassment rather than their targets, then maybe we're getting somewhere.
19
This should required reading for every parent, employer, teacher, politician, historian, coach and etc, etc, etc........
46
Excellent article!
16
The article is written from the perspective that thousands of years of gender differences and parenting differences are bad. With few exceptions, the biological differences have social and cultural traditions that should be embraced.
When women try too hard to be like men they wind up encouraging abortion because they are not ready to accept the natural consequences of being a woman. Today only 74% of young adults from the poorer half of society will marry. Family values have been destroyed by gender confusion.
13
So women should be subservient voiceless creatures, repressing all other talents and able to be harassed, even raped without consequences so they'll get pregnant sooner and have more babies?
Seriously dude?
161
Nonsense
86
So the only way for a woman to be "good" is to marry and have children? And maintaining male-dominant "family values" is all that matters?
That you are so sure of this nonsense is the most horrifying thing about your statement.
157
I have mixed feelings about the "princessification" of young girls and was just discussing this with my daughter just yesterday. Her three year old daughter is a huge fan of Elena of Avalor, a teenager who is learning what she will need when she becomes the ruler of her country. She is constantly having risky adventures, solving problems herself without always being rescued by a guy, and has no romantic relationship. She also has very pretty, feminine outfits which my rough and tumble granddaughter loves.
Both my daughter and I feel this princess is a great role model. (There are other new princess characters who are also portrayed as powerful actors.) I am from the generation of women in which many of us asserted their equality by acting and dressing more like men. I think it is healthy that young girls are free to wear pretty dresses but often with leggings underneath so they can play freely. Being successful and strong without giving up femininity can be tricky but hopefully this princess fad will actually help this generation of young girls find the balance.
The only thing that I worry about is the adulation of royalty as rulers. Let's hope this doesn't autocracy acceptable. In the past I would have thought that was a ridiculous concern but given our current politics I am not so sanguine.
284
Boy, your last paragraph sounded like the inner conversation I've been having with myself for the past decade or so. It was hard to watch a Trump rally in 2016 without wondering if what his admirers really wanted wasn't a president, but a good old fashioned, off-with-her-head monarch in the King Henry VIII tradition. Trump would never lead his army into battle, of course, but he would be outstanding at starting wars that increased his personal wealth, and at giving pre-fight pep talks, demonizing the enemy, praising his soldiers and bragging about the beautiful weapons he provided for them.
Everyone else would go hungry, of course. But the crowd that turned up for his coronation would be the biggest in the history of the world!
19
I am not keen on the whole princess thing, being that I am not a fan of monarchy. In these fantasies -- even the adult versions like "Game of Thrones" -- nobody ever stops for even a second and questions "why are there monarchies" or "why are just certain people chosen to rule over us -- usually by accident of birth and not talent or brains?"
But as in fairy tales....at least children are drawn to this because the PRINCESS (or prince or hero or superhero) is THE ONE....the absolute focus of the story. They are the most important person in the universe, and don't have to justify their power or position or existence -- it is just THERE.
You can also see this in "Harry Potter", so it is not all about girls. Harry is not merely a wizard or talented at magic -- he is literally THE most powerful and important wizard in the world, the world literally DEPENDS on him. And even as a child in school, EVERYONE -- other kids, adults, teachers, his enemies -- all recognize this instantly.
This is a common human desire -- to feel we are so unique, so special, that the world will bow down to us. Of course, most normal people are disabused of this idea pretty early on.
I think it is not such a big deal, if a child is exposed to LOTS of different kinds of literature, fiction, role models and stories -- things grounded in reality -- and not just fantasy. Unfortunately for many today (kids AND adults) fantasy absolute predominates movies, books, films and video games.
4
The transformation of princesses is definitely something to celebrate. Those of MY childhood were not women I ever wanted to emulate - they were girlie girls, ad I just wasn't. I'm still not! My husband laughs at me to this day about some of the (funny) consequences of my strong aversion to "princessy" looks. Would that storytellers/filmmakers could figure out a great story line that makes women leaders who are not monarchs. I agree with you 100% about your concerns, especially after listening to my nieces talk about how they wish they could be princesses (and the why). Children understand the privileges and potential abuses of autocracy (and oligarchy) all too well, even if they cannot articulate the form of government by name.
2
Doing away with the wage gap would be a start to a more equitable society. But first we have to do away with how we view the importance of stereotypically men's and women's work. I work at a school as a paraprofessional. Starting wage for paraprofessionals is between $11- $13 per hour with two paid vacation days and no paid general leave days. Overwhelmingly the paraprofessionals are women in the school district. The bus drivers - overwhelmingly male - get $17 per hour starting wage and nine paid holidays and four paid general leave days.
I work on the playground each day where I break up fights and make sure kids don't break their necks on the play equipment or run away... so it is every bit as challenging as driving a bus... Why then am I only paid a fraction of what the bus drivers make? Because our society does not value the work of women as much as the work of men.
On the plus side - I run the school library. And I'm filling the shelves with empowering books about girls and women. My hope is that this generation - both boys and girls - will be raised differently. I'm also holding the boys accountable on the playground when they hurt others. No more Harvey Weinsteins. Not on my playground.
416
Bus divers need a commercial drivers license with a special endorsement for school buses.
5
Paraprofessionals are not people who walk in off the street. There educational requirements for their jobs. In most cases they must have at least an associate degree and training in child development. They must also have training in CPR. The District of Columbia is the process of increasing these educational requirements. These requirements are at least as stringent as those required for a commercial driver's license.
9
In New Jersey, women also drive school buses. I assume, modulo seniority and so forth, they are paid the same as men. I had a friend, a mature woman, who did this. She had to earn a CDL first, just as teachers have to earn masters degrees and such to be better paid.
3