Thank you for a lovely thanksgiving story. Continued blessings to you and Skip.
3
I can only echo what others have said: thank you for this wonderful story! And yes, may Skip be blessed with many more years with you.
6
Amy, your frank and honest portrayal of all of our adolescent lives — the push and pull against those who just consistently loved and believed in us — made me love me parents, and Skip, even more.
4
A must read for all the adolescents -
4
I see that some readers feel that you should feel guilt or should apologize for the nature of your early relationship with Skip. But I believe that he is the only person whose feelings on that matter count. He liked you and loved you and understood you just the way you were. What a simply wonderful man and father. And you were and are a good and interesting girl, and woman, and daughter, prickliness and all! Come to think of it, though, I envy your mother, because she had the good fortune of being part of a family with both of you. Best wishes.
16
Skip IS your father. A great dad, at that. May he live a long and healthy life.
8
Sweet essay. I adopted my stepdaughter. Her biological dad was fun (OK - I'm the only one in the family that thinks that) but not much of a father. He almost never took visits; he'd routinely cancel at the last minute. He didn't remember her birthday. The only time he took her for two nights he brought her to school late. Twice. Finally he was jammed up for back child support, which we'd just match and put into a college savings account, and we came up with formalizing what was already happening.
Kids should remember that stepparents know the kids are part of the package: we're not just choosing your mom or dad - we're choosing to be with you too. Even if you do your best to be stinkers sometimes we love you, at least I do my own kid.
16
This brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of the relationship my daughter and my husband have (who is not her biological father, but her father in more ways that I can count).
9
Thank you for sharing your wonderful family story with us. Yes, there are many ways to become a family!
4
Beautiful.
12
A lovely, happy ending!
5
Best story I've read in a long time; thank you.
13
In the end, it's love, not blood, that makes a family. I'm glad you found that out. May Skip continue to do well.
31
I would’ve gotten her therapy & not let her treat my husband that way. That poor man.
11
A nice write-up. A shining example of what love truly is; freely given emotional and physical support without any desire for reciprocity.
John~
American Net'Zen
5
Thank you, Amy, for sharing your self-aware relationship with Skip, a role model parent from his entrance into your life through his thank you note. It's reassuring to learn about Skip while we're all caught in the nasty, narcissistic climate revealed by Trump, Weinstein et al.
I talk about the two girls our son's second marriage brought into our family as our granddaughters.
9
More people are capable of creating children than raising them with love. Biological parents are important for medical histories, but your *real* parents are the people who raise you.
19
Thanks for the beautiful story. I'm so glad that the author and Skip are well. They were family all along--blood optional.
2
A truly beautiful story.. Thank you for sharing this..
7
While the latter part of the story is very moving, it seems the author missed out on too much early happiness and joy that this exceptional father was so freely giving. The essay also climaxes with the "aha" moment when she finally IS connected by blood. I was adopted, so can recognize the need to identify with a "real" family. In my case, however, my parents were abusive so the issue, it turns out what not whether we were connected by blood. I am now 70, have two kids and three grandkids. Along the way I have had several "temporary" children who are also a part of my family. Several years ago, a younger half-sister located me. She came to visit, and I can tell you that blood connections are not what make people family. While she filled in a family history for me that I had longed for, she was not a person I would have entertained having any kind of relationship with had she not had that small, tenuous connection of a mutual mother (who had already passed away). Family and "relatives" are those who we love and love us, stand by us when we are obnoxious, and offer succor when our hearts are breaking. I am glad the author finally took down the final screen. It is just a shame that it took her so long and that her "father" didn't get to enjoy the gift of a loving daughter during those drives to guitar lessons and when he provided the surprise lunches.
13
I hope you apologize for your horrible treatment of Skip. I have lived in his shoes as the stepmother (their mother deceased) who got long silences, screaming fits at the father, no birthday cards, no Christmas cards, only token Christmas gifts. I did everything I could to be present, to please, to prepare the greatest of holidays, to always send birthday gifts. Yes, my husband should have intervened but he had become unable to deal with their constant complaints about him and our very pleasant life together, so he stayed silent. Five months ago yesterday, their father died of a brain tumor after my nursing him for eight months. I would be so overwhelmed if they would just apologize for their childish, inappropriate behavior--two children in their forties should be able to look back at their behavior and be mortified at their cruelty.
39
I write as an adoptee to refute the ideas of those like DH who has no clue about biology's sub-science DNA which does indeed bind us all to our oldest ancestors, to our close and far relations, and to those who are or will be our descendants. The same DNA that allowed a kidney to be donated to the husband of a woman's mother because of our humanity being 99.5 % similar and only 0.5% different. It is that 0.5% that makes each of us unique and what binds us to our parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles...close family, whether or not DH wishes it to be so, and whether or not a court dares to wipe out the identity of a child separated from that family.
DH and others are pretentious to think that in their ignorance they can alter mother nature for benefit of humanity, or call someone or something by a name not natural to it, making it so. This is NOT Hollywood!
Our genomes rule us-from our physicalities to our likes and dislikes; from the food we choose, to the people we choose as friends; it is our DNA that signals the quest to find our nearest relatives, and to know who we are and where we came from. Ask any adoptee whose identity was stolen and replaced by another. Ask any of us why knowing who is our mother and where are our siblings and our other close family are and who they are is vital to our raison d'être.
The first person I ever met who looked like me was my daughter and then my son.
Il sangue non è acqua. DNA is indeed thicker than water!
1
Please never adopt or become somebody's stepparent. You would fail and while doing so make everyone miserable.
21
Interesting choice of words to say your identity was stolen versus given. I think that’s worthy exploring with a therapist — as an adoptee it is hard to have only your children look like you, but I am forever grateful for my parents who took a chance on me, the child of two teens for whom parenthood would have been overwhelming at best. I feel for them more than for me as their sacrifice gave me the life I have, not one that was “taken”.
1
When my husband started dating 20 years ago, a first conversation about our respective children revealed one daughter was very successful at gas lighting women he dated and running them out of the circle. I felt her and my shared childhood experiences of divorce, maternal abandonment, and both being raised by our hardworking single dads would somehow bridge the gap. How naive. The ensuing years have been a complicated matrix of financial and emotional manipulation, a-lot of hurt, and occasional warm moments. To a stepparent who cares deeply about a spouse’s children, is a source of financial and life-support when the real mother does nothing, the words “you’re not my real mom or grandma to my kids” are a serrated knife in the heart. For my own well-being, and the longevity of my marriage, I have had to embrace that her approval of me as his father’s wife, is irrelevant. With this radical acceptance of things as they are, I have grown to feel compassionate towards her while maintaining a healthy distance from the strife manifested in her life by her own choices and actions. Being a stepparent to teenagers who have been through a lot, is a very tall order. One has to be very prepared that most of the time you are going to be the scapegoat for the problem du jour. The best advice I can offer: Cherish and foster the loving relationships you do have and dispense any need for approval.
15
Loved this! Thanks to the author for sharing her beautiful and well written story. It’s heartwarming to know that these kinds of relationships exist, and that the author was able to express her love and appreciation to her step father. What a gift each has given the other. I would do anything to have a Skip in my life. Looking forward to reading her memoir.
3
Wonderful!
7
Beautiful Article about beautiful people. I am crying as I write this comment. How wonderful to have the chance to recognize your true love connection . Best of good health to both of you.
Of everything I have read this year, this is among my favorites. What a lovely story to start my Thanksgiving week. A reminder of what we should be truly grateful for--love, kindness, patience, generosity. Thanks to you and Skip for showing us the way.
25
This was so lovely, so perfect. I had a lump in my throat by the end. Thank you for sharing. Family at its best.
17
Really beautiful .Normally stepfathers are not portrayed as loving and caring one but this story is special in a way that it shows that they can also give unconditional love . Thanks for sharing.
14
This piece warms my heart.
3
Too bad the mother tolerated such horrid behavior from this child to her husband.
It's good they lived long enough to resolve it with a life or death situation, but a pity a whole lifetime was wasted by Ms. Carlton. The stepfather was a tolerant martyr.
Family therapy might have made life more pleasant for all of them. Time frittered away, a pity.
11
Most teenagers aren't bundles of joy to be around 24/7, and most parents have heard "I hate you!" more than once by then and take it for what it is.
Really, the article doesn't say anything about the mother's response to her behavior.
8
Die
You summed up my thoughts exactly.
What a shame!
It didn't have to be like that all those years.
Kind of a rotten kid with an ineffective mother in the shadows.
That poor Skip.
5
I am Amy's sister, and I can assure you that our mother certainly did not tolerate any disrespect to our father. Both of our parents were strict and I think what you are reading in the article is a snapshot of Amy's feelings. Feelings, that she was allowed to have as she navigated finding her way, including Skip's new role in her life. Skip was not a tolerant martyr but yet was steady and calm in his approach to Amy and confident his dependable actions and unwavering love would speak more loudly than a shouted response.
28
As a long serving step on father this article left me in tears.This position in the modern family is certainly one of the most difficult and rewarding a man can have. As the years pass one realizes that raising children,whether step or blood, to be loving and successful in their relationships should be the main goal of any parents life and leaves one with a true sense of accomplishment,warmth and wonder.
16
Wow! Thanksgiving and Christmas all rolled up into one...!
2
Now you’ve mingled blood, now you’re family, now he is responsible for avenging the deaths of many loved ones. You do not ask him, because this is not a request: this is a duty. Give him their names. Tell him how he can make it right. Only he can make it right. You will not discuss this again. And get a haircut.
1
A story worth many lifetimes of subscribing to the New York Times.
3
As a stepmother, this story moved me to sobs. Although my son doesn’t call me “mom” or send me a card on Mother’s Day, I know I have had a positive influence on his life. He once told me he wanted a marriage like his dad and I have. And I think he does. For us “steps,” sometimes all you can do is hang in there.
31
It may tickle you to know: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
3
This beautiful article reminded me of my husband's relationship with my daughters. He loved and raised them as if they were his own biological children. He was and is there for them no matter what. Unconditional love from the moment they met. I will always remember, my younger daughter saying that her biological father was responsible for bringing her into the world, but my husband, Sid, is her dad.
18
I felt the same way about my late step-father as your daughter does about Sid. (I can hardly even bear to call him step-father when I'm explaining what he was.) To me, he was, and will always be, Dad. I named my first son after him and am thankful my Mother was wise enough to pick such a great husband and father.
What a beautiful story. It was literally the best thing I’ve read this week. Thanks for sharing.
7
Beautiful. As I get older I discover that there are so many of us who are fortunate to have men who are not are fathers by blood but are our dads by the heart. These dads fill a place in our lives and hearts that would have been otherwise empty.
Thank you for sharing.
16
I have tears in my eyes as I write my comments. A beautifully written article that depicts the step-father's devotion to his step-daughter and the daughter's ultimate gift of life to this beloved man.
5
As a child of a step father and step mother I found this piece very moving. The writer captures the mixed feelings of this relationship perfectly. I'm not ashamed to say I teared up at the end. Great piece.
11
Interesting story. And a great example of how our well meaning family (her melange of aunts, and uncles, and grandparents) can really wreak our lives. Think of everything that she missed out on with her stepfather because of "Blood is thicker than water". The joke in my family is to get into the family, you need to be born into it or be adopted or marry into it or just show up at enough family reunions. I'm glad that Ms. Carleton got her connected at last
PS. The family joke turned out to be true. Years later I found out that someone I though I was related to was my great-uncle's babysitter who just kept showing up at family picnics.
23
Very nice writing.
I cried through this. It made me think of my stepfather Earl, who passed a few years ago. A teenager when my mom remarried, I never called him Dad, but I trusted and confided in him. My sisters and brother did too. Earl was a much better match for my mom than my father was. And for us kids, as my brother said, "Earl, you were always there".
Thanks for this column, both the read and the memories.
17
I look forward to reading the pieces written in this series. And I oftentimes tear up responding to the emotional weight of the stories.
But I do note the tendency of some responders to forget that these are highly crafted pieces of writing whose appeal arises, in part, from that very craft. Take, for instance, the manipulation of the blood=family cliche. Repeated twice in the early sections, the switched-up rephrase provided for a great close to a moving personal essay.
If I were still teaching, I would use this piece as a fine model for my students
12
Thank you for sharing this beautiful and touching story.
1
Such a moving and beautiful story; and a beautiful painting.
3
Beautiful story. Family is never as simple as “parents and child”.
4
As a step-parent to be, thank you for writing your story. And thank you to Skip, for role modeling.
7
Whoa. Tears wet my eyes as I read the last lines to this loving essay-story. After weeks of Trump, Roy Moore, Weinstein, Louis C K, Al Franken, I needed an antidote for life’s sordidness. Thank you.
8
DH - This relationship may have been challenged by "toxic old norms," but it was hardly doomed. Quite the contrary.
1
This is a beautiful article. I'm a step-parent and I know first hand how hard it can be, for the parents and the children. Skip's selflessness and Amy's ultimate acceptance are truly heartwarming. Best wishes to their entire family.
3
This was the first article I read when I woke up this morning. Such a simple but beautifully written story. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you & your father are recovering well after the surgery.
2
I think Skip is a saint. His actions proved he was a real dad and father to his daughter from the moment he married her mom. I cried when I read his note, "To my Daughter, thank you for giving me my life. And for never making me feel like I owe you something in return.” Sometimes DNA isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Thank you for sharing such a touching and rewarding article. I think it's an important story for anyone who is or will be a parent.
7
What a beautiful story, and what a caring father you had. I wish your family the best.
2
Whew! When so much seems broken, to read this story about something, a relationship, a family, made truly whole in a remarkable way . . . so very glad for Amy and Skip and her mother. And Thank you for sharing!
5
I was very touched by this article. How lucky you are to have such a wonderful father and mother. My dad passed away when I was 11 and my mom never remarried. I love them both very dearly. It is so wonderful that your mom and dad found each other and provided support for you throughout your life. Most importantly it is heartwarming that you were able to give a piece of yourself to him in many ways.
7
This was a lovely lovely story but one which as a soon to be divorced father fills me with dark dread. I can only hope to be as good of a divorced father as Skip has been as a step dad. I already feel like a failure to my daughters.
2
My parents divorced when I was 5, and for over 30 years now, I have loved both my dad and my stepdad, albeit in very different ways. Divorce hurts, but if you’re the best father you can be, your daughters will love you and be thankful. You may not always see it now while they are young, but time and love heal the heart. At the age of 35 now, I am thankful to the role both of these men played in my life and try to include them both. Best of luck to you and your family, from a daughter of divorced parents
4
As a daughter of an absent divorced father, my advice is to stay in and take part in your daughters' lives.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
2
It's never too late, AM. Think of this as your wake-up call. Of course I don't know your story, but only you can write the ending.
5
Great story! With all the bad news on men out there at the moment, it is good to hear that there are great men like Skip in the world. I suspect most are.
5
Thank you for sharing this miraculous story of healing. It's never too late.
3
Lovely, heart-warming, every word rings sincere and unforced. So refreshing. Thank you for sharing and reminding us their are good, lovely, mature, decent people in this world.
2
Amy, what a beautiful story and tribute to your Dad. I actually believe water is thicker than blood. I say this because my Dad married a woman with two girls who had Dads, raised his wife’s girls and negated to do anything for me or my brother financially or emotionally. Now as adults, he has continued his selfishness by embracing his step grandchildren and ignoring his biological grands that resemble him. I have endured a lot of pain, sleepless nights and anger as a result of my Dad’s neglect of my children and I, yet I respect that he did an excellent job raising his wife’s daughters. My step sisters worship the ground my Daddy walks on, but for whatever the reason he could never love my brother and I the way he loved his daughters by marriage. I dread the day that my Dad passes before my brother and I because I don’t know how I’ll react to the great tributes they will give to our Dad who we never really knew other than his broken promises to come to our school and sports events never showing up to any. My Dad is and always will be my step sisters hero, but unfortunately he decided to be my zero.
With that said Amy, I respectfully disagree that you needed a blood transfusion to cement your bond because I’ve learned since childhood that water in some instances will always be thicker than blood. I will NEVER know or feel the love of my Dad the way my stepsisters do.
10
Wonderful story!
1
A beautiful story of how love works in mysterious ways.
1
Well done. As a step child three times over and now a stepparent for the last 17 years, this strikes very close to home. Thank you for sharing your story.
1
What a lovely tribute to your father.
2
Thank you for This! What I would have done if my father had ever cared about me. You are so lucky and so is Skip. Family is so much more than blood. Think about your husband, he is your family too.
3
Like father like daughter, both of them are generous and kind. This is a lovely story.
3
Oh my. What a story. I was crying at the end. Good health to you both -
2
Well I had parents and I was always being told "I bought you those shoes!" and "Why can't you be nice to Mr. and Mrs. Whatever, they've come all this way." The older I get the more fascinated I become with QUIET people, and people who are going about their business, while you know they're dealing with some ordeal or some terrible memory they carry. They're as unusual as jewels. Having to see this blabbing President every day makes people like them seem like another race.
A man who just likes being a father to this girl, and drinks swamp water no obvious reward ?? He's so nice.
13
No matter how old we get, inside us there are parts that remain in childhood. We have childish jealousies, and childish fears, and childish resentments. Sometimes those childish parts stop us from saying, "I love you," or "I'm sorry," or "I need help." But in spite of this, the lucky ones among us still have lives that turn out like Ms. Carleton's. (Lovely story, thank you.)
4
Look like Skip was rewarded in the end for his love and patience and generosity. Your kidney AND your love.
Lovely.
6
Originally, "blood is thicker than water" meant something quite different.
In the days when men pledging each other lifelong loyalty would slash their palms or wrists with a knife and then shake hands (or grasp each other by the wrist), that act bound them by blood. It was considered much more significant than relationship by "water" (amniotic fluid within the uterus). A brother obtained by the accident of birth might sink to betrayal, but a blood brother never would, because of the shared vow.
11
Skip deserves your kidney, and all of our hearts. Bravo to gentle men!
5
This article moved me in many ways, as it reminded me of my own story. I grew up as a child of divorce, living with my single mother and visiting my father on holidays out of state. Though I love my dad, he was always been distant. It was my stepfather, however, who my mom married when I was in middle school that provided the much needed stability and father figure that I longed for in life. Though I never called him dad, John has always been there to help me move into dorm rooms and apartments, to tune up my car, to cook me his famous chicken soup when I'm sick, and to send me nostalgic youtube links of 70s and 80s music performances to brighten up my lunch hour. Although not a talkative man, his actions, like Skip's, speak volumes. I also know that he will be a wonderful grandfather to my children and stay by mother's side through their elder years.
142
I think you should send him this story. He'll love it.
135
Than you!
3
This is the most beautiful installment yet. Thank you for sharing.
76
It's incredibly sad how this relationship was doomed and undermined from the start by the outdated and selfish proclamations of the extended family about blood and water. That was the only thing stopping the author from allowing herself to be happy, and from treating her loving new father with the respect he deserved. Her relatives pretty much ruined this poor girl's chance at a normal, loving, mutually peaceful relationship with a father - a relationship she very much needed and wanted, and so did he. And for what? Toxic old norms need to stay in the past where they belong. The future holds a lot more love and acceptance than that. Very little about "the good old days" was actually good, and the sooner we realize that, the better for everybody.
139
Or maybe she was so hurt by her biological dad leaving that she was too scared to let anyone else get close. In many ways, children don't even know why they would lash out in cases like this.
7
Wow, DH, very negative take on a lovely and positive story.
1
Actually, she sounds to me like a typical adolescent with some family issues thrown in. Perhaps some family counseling would have helped, but that's not something most families would have had in those days. Don't forget we are only hearing the issue from the child's side, which is always the narrowest vision. She couldn't always have been angry at him, or she wouldn't have played school with him, etc. There were good days in there. Family members always see memories differently; you begin to wonder if you were in the same place at the same time. The important thing is, Amy grew up, became a responsible adult, and had the chance to thank a loving father before it was too late. And we got the gift of hearing about it.
9
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.
59
Undermined perhaps. But doomed? Clearly not. There’s a happy ending.
1
This is one of the sweetest stories I have read in ages. The tears poured down my cheeks as Amy read the kind and wise words from her Dad.
89
Anyone can become a parent. It takes someone truly remarkable to choose to be a stepparent. What gifts you are to one another.
185
Your first statement is just false.
1
Beautiful!
37
Closure....so right for both of them...
35