When I watch a nature program and see the mating dance rituals that male animals perform to attract the opposite sex, should I be viewing that as sexual harassment? I need to be sure to re-calibrate all my senses.
5
Men think about sex all the time, so if men didn’t think about sex, they wouldn’t think at all.
3
I loved the way it ended alluding to chaos created by the so called most powerful head of a nation.
Also the #metoo campaign has infuriated some like me. The guilty must be named and by just posting #metoo we are exonerating the wrong doer in some sense.
3
During the post-election outpouring of stories about male predation that occured on facebook because an admitted predator had just been elected president, I posted about some things that had happened to me. Additionally, I wrote that I had never talked to another woman who’d not been harassed or assaulted in some way. In reply, a male friend said his wife had never—ever—experienced anything like that. He’s a smart guy. I took his word. But, there she was, a few days ago, “me too.”
30
First assaulted at 11 by an older boy I'd been hired to tutor in math, raped at 15, propositioned endlessly at my fisrt science conference because the male attendees assumed I was a 'booth bimbo', a stream of other instances large and small too numerous to count.
I lived in the invisible cage for years...always afraid to be anywhere alone.
As I got older, I consciously asserted my independence and refused to let fear rule me. I am vigilant, but I go out alone.
Now, at 50, I often travel for business alone in a field highly dominated by men.
Business travel can be all airports, taxis and conference rooms and I lament that I never really get to see the places I've traveled to in any meaningful way...so I walk for an hour in the early morning everywhere I go.
Last April, I was stalked by an older man on a bike in Tainan. I kept evading and changing directions, but he eventually confronted me. I tried to be friendly, smile, presume he was just interested in the obvious foreigner since I was surrounded by the bustle of a busy street. No go...he tried to kiss me and drag me down an alleyway. I was bigger and stronger and easily broke away...and made a beeline for my hotel.
My reaction surprised me. I was not scared....I was furious. Really?!? I'm 50! When is this ever going to end?!?!?
I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl, and I have talked openly with both of them about my experiences. I have shared my stories with my, mostly male, colleagues. We must.
34
The #MeToo is fine as far as it goes. But for real change to happen, women (and men) are going to have to have the courage to come forward and name names. Holding people personally accountable for sexual predation, molestation and rape is the surest way to end it.
The Weinsteins and Trumps of the world believe they are invulnerable. Let's prove they're not.
24
Hashtags do little to change the minds of people, this accomplishes nothing.
3
If the source of the 'me too' idea as it came to be attached to this moment has any importance in the historical record then it should be pointed out that a full week before Alyssa Milano called for the use of the hashtag, I had written the following in the comments to the Lena Dunham piece published in this very newspaper.
jammer los angeles October 10, 2017 "Here's what really needs to happen now. Every woman who has ever been presented with a career/sex quid pro quo in the entertainment industry should come forward and simply say, "Me, too."
In the article published today on Tarana Burke, the originator of the first 'me too' movement, Ms. Burke said this.
“Initially I panicked,” she said. “I felt a sense of dread, because something that was part of my life’s work was going to be co-opted and taken from me and used for a purpose that I hadn’t originally intended.”
After 12 million shares on Facebook utilizing the #metoo hashtag in the first 24 hours from Ms. Milano's call I have had feelings similar to what Ms. Burke expressed above.
On the one hand, who could not be overwhelmed by the number of women who have utilized this moment to express their own experiences through this hashtag. That is so incredibly important.
But when I called for women to come forward with a 'me too' I was hoping for something that would specifically reveal the vast numbers of women who had been faced with a sexual quid pro quo while pursuing their careers in Hollywood.
#alsotoomany
4
We are nowhere near removed from the days of "Mad Men" as we would like to think.
6
Can someone please explain how boys and men come to believe they can do the things women have been revealing as part of #MeToo? I'm 61, and I shared four of my own #MeToo experiences with my college-aged son two days ago. He was "shocked." They included a piano teacher who pretended to "hypnotize" 11-year-old me so he could put his hand up my dress and kiss me on the lips, and a stranger in an empty underground bus tunnel in Boston who sat down next to 18-year-old me and masturbated. Were these men and all the others like them parented poorly? This behavior mystifies me. How do we prevent boys from becoming men who do these things?
19
Women, please stop saying you are not brave! Avoiding activities because you fear being attacked has nothing to do with being brave. It isn’t your fault that you don’t feel safe doing certain activities alone; it is the fault of every man who has ever harassed, threatened or assaulted a woman. This isn’t about what we are or are not, it is about men who are predators.
23
Trump, Trump, Trump it is tiresome. what about bill clinton? feathers did;t fly?then Hillary clammed up to further her future run fort he presidency
5
Always remember that it is *never* your fault if you have been sexually assaulted.
Never.
18
American women have reached their limit. For most, falling over the tipping point was first and foremost, the Misogynist-in-Chief. It was unfathomable...unbelievable,his words and action would have been condoned. So Weinstein, did not have a chance. Money, accolades, fame ...Sorry. We are simply finished being told to smile & get over it. Your turn,big guys.
10
my girlfriend has a black-belt in Judo.
end of story.
ok, she can also talk her way out of nearly every situation.
3
Thank you for speaking your truth - THE truth.
2
Unfortunately it hasn't alleviated the pain of Trump's victims, who were no only abused, they were called "horrible women" and are to this day snubbed by the NY Times who seem to be acquiescing to the President's wishes in order to secure the occasional interview.
I'm tired of Hollywood-ghazi. It's a problem that needs to be dealt with, but not if it means ignoring the bigger scandal in DC.
4
all too true the woman’s predicament age old...but the cop out thst you put off stuff put off because the kids needed this or that is irrelevant to the gist and a guilt dump on the kids.
I just turned 64 but I was a very pretty young women.
I was harassed and often threatened by men
almost my entire including best friends father telling me
he was in love with me, to the lab assistant at the Ivy League
women's college I attended nuzzling my neck as I
dissected a frog, to being followed in the street, sometimes grabbed or even assaulted , to the daily litany of comments
in the street, it's too extensive to explain ,
But I never complained because I just figured that's the way
things were. I think this is most young women's
experience of being female in, and I hate to say,
a patriarchal culture.
I am horrified by the republicans moves to take away
our hard earned rights and I'm certain misogyny played a
HUGE role on the vilifying of Hillary Clinton.
When I heard about Weinstein I thought
So what else is new? And after alll, we have an avowed
misogynist and sexual predator in the White House.
So I ask: what are women to do?
17
I am a woman, and I am surprised by the stories being told with the hashtag #MeToo and by the sheer vast numbers of them. More than surprised -- I am devastated, horrified, shocked. Not all of us have normalized such behavior in our own lives. (And that is not a consequence of being lucky enough to have escaped such harassment either -- if only!)
5
As a male, I'm all too aware of what men can be like. It's why I put my daughter into Jiu-jitsu at the age of 3 and was unhappy when my wife took her out, thinking that it's too unfeminine. I dislike when men or women infantilize girls and women. I dislike most of the female role models of today which are over sexualized. I want the female role models of the 70's which advocated for strong powerful women, not the Lady Gaga's or Miley Cyrus' of the world. I try to teach my daughter that she needs to be aware, strong, and responsible. Men are not going to resolve women's fear nor their responsibility to protect themselves and each other. It seems many women wish what we don't always have to give you, protection from other men. There seems to be some misconception that we walk around in full confidence without fear. There is a reason men buy most of the guns, fill most of the places in the gym or martial arts classes. The male world is an intimidating world where violence and threats of violence almost always exist. So I, and most mature men, fully understand why you didn't travel to Europe alone - smart move.
13
The #MeToo movement is just another fad fueled by social media. In six months it will have faded into oblivion as people realize that there are many more important things to be concerned about. People are tired of hearing all the complaining from various victim groups. Time for a break.
Brilliant and moving. Margaret Renkl provides insights and new and nuanced meanings to the phrase "it's not easy being a woman." When you have to think hard, make calculations, about what should constitute mundane life behavior in order to feel safe and secure, you are being conditioned to be brave or careful. This has to be exhausting and/or disheartening. Thanks to all the #MeToo posters for their truths. Each story is one demonstrating courage under fire.
8
I have two daughters. We raised them to laugh it off, tell a guy no, don't go into a guy's room when you're drunk, and get out any time a guy acts improperly. They have no problems at all. None. Attempts, sure? Problems, never.
There are many many reasons why some women get into these bad situations. You can't generalize about 160,000,00 men without engaging in the same stereotypes and profiling that feminists complain about.
Also -- will someone please remember that actresses fake emotions for a living? That is all they do. So of course most of these storie are true to some degree, but please. Acting is "make pretend."
As for the normal women making less than $20 million a year, if a man commits a crime with you, call the police. If he's been crude, leave him. If its a lewd boss, quit. But come on, not all women are victims of events they can't control. That;'s why individual cases are important, not all this sweeping silliness about "men?
6
Never thought about how limiting it is as a single women to ensure your safety until reading these comments. It becomes second nature, you just simply don't go places or do many things alone. I have been lucky to avoid the experience so many detail, but I also missed out on plenty of experiences staying safe.
13
I have had so many friends throughout the years account their stories of sexual abuse. Abusers were fathers, brothers, uncles, friends of brothers. I also cofacilitated a support group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These women were traumatized and carried their scars into their adult life. Parenting their own children helped them to open up about their own sexual abuse. It is a horrendous society problem that not only surfaces in the workplace but in many homes, schools and churches. We owe it to our society to end this epidemic no matter where it happens and to who it happens to, females, males or non binary people.
13
FWIW, we were almost equally protective of my son and daughter when they were children. We were alert to the possibility of sexually based shenanigans for both and we talked to them both about that. I was more protective of my son for awhile during and after the time he was bullied by kids of both genders for a couple of years when he was a small child and I was taking him with me out of town on weekends to help cheer up my folks when they were sick and needed help.
We were much more protective of my daughter during adolescence, letting my son but not my daughter roam the town with a cell phone.
I sent them off to college with identical advice, telling them both to watch out for various kinds of sexually predatory men and sexually predatory women. I think they both got hurt in college relationships but hopefully not too badly. Can't live their lives for them.
After college I've had one discussion, with my daughter, about gender dynamics with colleagues. A man said something about his wife that offended my daughter, but the precise nature of it made me think the man and his wife both worked out in the world but the wife thought she should still have the same prerogatives her grandmothers had at home. I told my daughter that she should not put up with any guff but approach the problem diplomatically and be sensitive about backing the guy into a corner or dissing his contributions.
All of this was informed in part by my own experiences, stories I could tell.
1
I cannot see this as solely a women's issue, lest we forget Matthew Sheppard, or the recent revelations about Dennis Hastert's crimes against young men.
Not seeing the larger problems risks distorting this one, and losing the power of the alliances we could make.
Having said that, I will never forget how scared I was leaving the main library every night at midnight to go home to my dorm. I rode my bike as fast as I could, and would never have been able to do it on foot. Even though I did very well in school, I know this affected my education. College was where I experienced the deepest fear of my life on a regular basis, and it lasts for years.
5
I have a close relationship with my mom and brother. They've heard EVERYTHING -- from the time my mom refused to let me work a job as a teen when the male boss leered at me to the time I was stalked in college to the time when an older friend's male friend lured me to his house (originally, the invite was to have lunch with him and his wife) and made a pass at me. This is probably why my brother is the type of guy who took women's history in college, contributes to women's causes, and has many women friends.
Your call for women to share their stories is important. I bet the men who deny never having witnessed sexual harassment and don't know their part in it (see the Roxane Gay article) have never really sat down and spoken/ listened to their mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, or other female friends or colleagues about it.
8
I love everything you wrote but I want to challenge the last sentiment, which amounts to: it’s not that big of a deal (compared to everything else).
Your compassion is a credit to you, but if we want to ensure the safety of women we have to prioritize the safety if women. I like to experiment with doing just that: paying women equally, treating them as humans with agency over their bodies, interrupting men who interrupt women and allowing the woman to resume making her point, and believing the (often horrifying) accounts of rape, molestation, and harrsassment. It’s never been done, but I’d like to see what happens to those other problems AFTER we establish equanimity of women.
9
As the doting child-free uncle of two teenage girls, I am saddened (not shocked) by the #MeToo campaign, knowing so many women who have been violated on this horrible way, and hearing all the stories coming to light.
I'm glad that the issue is getting more recognition and exposure now. And I worry that the girls are growing up, and about to enter the world full of unscrupulous people.
4
Women are among the most beguiling, intoxicating creations that some supreme force has bestowed upon man, right up there with very old scotch, Porsche roadsters, cash windfalls and powerful explosives. A wise man learns to handle all of these matters with great care and respect because as joyous as they are on so many levels, any one of these things will bring about a man’s destruction very quickly and efficiently. A man who does not respect the beauty, intelligence, and individual nature of every woman is like the man who overindulges in old scotch or plays with explosives. Sooner or later he’s going down. Guaranteed.
6
I was sexually assulted by a 35 year old woman when I was 15. And all the me too movement did for me is remind me of what happened and it made me feel worse.
4
#MeToo momentum began with Hollywood, Weinstien and powerful show biz men. A flood of stories. Attention being paid. From day one, Hollywood was a location site for sexuality and scandal. Mae West made a career playing the erotically-interested "forward" woman. Lustful doings of stars and wanna-be stars have thrilled audiences and tabloid readers. On screen, women have appeared in "revealing" costumes of all kinds. The Hays office was created to censor propriety-challenging productions. After Hays, and more and more in recent years, women actors have appeared without benefit of costume, films have added explicit scenes to rival the porn industry as the picture industry "grew up." Now, with so many "Harvey Girls" breaking silence and denouncing sexual harassment and more, it occurred to me to ask: What part have actors played in fostering a climate of sexual misconduct by appearing in explicit scenes complete with fake climaxes that, when shown worldwide, are obviously intended to stir sexual feelings in viewers? Most men, perhaps unfortunately, are stimulated by women in many ways. Advertising proves: Sex Sells. Women have always been Objects Of Desire. Most men, by nature, are stimulated by women in oh so many ways. As justified as are their criticisms and demands, have Hollywood's women, intentionally or not, helped create the harassment monster? Is the question I'm asking off limits? There was no nudity in "Citizen Kane, " in "Casablanca," in "Singin' in the Rain."
7
Interest supposition but pretty much completely missing the mark.
The Me Too movement actually started 10 years ago to draw attention and support for women and girls (mostly of color) who have been sexually abused and assaulted.
4
You've just pointed out one of the advantages of learning self-control and respect for women. A "sentimental education" is a prerequisite for enjoying the art of most of European cinema, and most serious literature, for that matter. That way, a person can watch a film with nudity and understand why it belongs in the story. Or read Faulkner and not get the wrong idea. No, the scenes are not there to titillate or to provoke anyone to do the wrong things.
On the other hand, a real philistine might see in Hamlet, and most of the rest of Shakespeare, permission to degrade women. Do women who take the role of Ophelia unintentionally support domestic abuse?
1
I want to say "me too," but that sounds disingenuous. There have been many times I have chosen not to do something, not to take a trip overseas, for example, but I would be an older woman alone.
There have been times I have been blamed for the behavior of others when I wore a short skirt, just like the other girls and women. There have been times I have been frightened of men, including my own husband.
We need to keep this story alive and we need to teach our sons and our daughters that respect is a two way street. No woman deserves violent behavior, sexual or otherwise, simply because of her clothing or the fact that she is female.
28
The other night I got off a plane at the Austin airport and went to the restroom. I had been to that same restroom hundreds of times, but because it was late at night and probably because of all the talk about harassment and the me too campaign, I was struck by how dangerous the bathroom location was. It was at the end of a hallway, and you have to walk right by the men's room to get to it. Because the airport was almost empty, I thought how easily it would be for a man to trap me in the hallway on my way to or from the bathroom. This airport was not designed by a woman, I thought. A woman would never create a corral where other unsuspecting women would be particularly vulnerable. One of the small but important ways that more women in positions of power will make lives easier for other women.
59
This article brought tears to my eyes. Finally we are ALL talking about it. Raising two daughters, (all forms of) sexual assault has been on my brain. We talked about it in a 'not talking about to' manner - in the way they dress, in the time that they were expected home, in the mode of travel, in the company they kept. But I never talked about my own experiences and that I regret. I posted #Metoo on twitter but did not describe the how and the where. Am I still ashamed? YES, Though i know and have always known that THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!
Do I have to be famous to spell out the words of my experiences? Maybe so, maybe not- I honestly don't know
24
I hear you. It is so complex, so humiliating, so infuriating, and so regrettable. One thing I trust is this wisdom: I don’t need to forgive rapists, molesters, or harassers; surviving it is enough.
In that vein, talk about it likes it is K2. People never think poorly of a person talking about how they survived that climb.
2
I understand your reticence. It's brave of you, though, to open that door.
1
After a number of seasons I finally could no longer stomach the TV show Big Bang Theory where a recurring theme involve Penny, the blonde shiksa who can't no to even the most sleazy and inept male characters.
When is the last time you saw male characters on tv treat women respectfully?
Start the conversation with that.
15
I reluctantly offer these comments. Readers should know I am the father of two strong, beautiful daughters and the husband of a wise, professional woman, who gave up her profession as an educator to guide all three of us down our individual successful paths. She is the office manager of a (my) fairly successful practice. I will never have any association with the NRA.
I have tried to impress on my daughters that though it is indeed good to WANT a man, it is not a good idea to NEED a man. I've encouraged them to enjoy romance but find a good sperm bank (you can get a full personality profile of the donor now) if you dream of the "ideal" father for your child. All other relationships will be at least slightly flawed, and take lots of work to be actually fulfilling for both members.
In the mean time they have all learned self defense, from being verbally assertive to employing the sensible use of personal firearms. They live in fear of no man - even the brilliant psychopaths the NYT cannot seem give enough print to.
8
Well maybe women need to start telling their stories to their sons. How can you educate if you don't speak up?
19
Echoing the realization of the camping trips I never took.
When I was in my early 30's, we lived in Brookline, MA, and liked to take the writing courses at Cambridge Adult Ed. in the evening. My husband and I used to fight about the trip home, he always wanted me to take a cab. I refused to surrender the freedom to ride the subway and walk through my neighborhood. But there were lots of places I didn't go, things I didn't do, dresses I didn't wear, all out of fear of predators.
The lost potential of what women surrender to "be safe" astounds me, because we're not safe, and the perps all around us, hidden in plain sight.
23
I’m 34 and just now beginning to dress how I want because I’m no longer in contact with lots of men, being a stay-at-home-mom. To this revelation my dad said, thinking he was being complimentary, “oh you can wear whatever you want.”
If only. My dad was trying to tell me I’m pretty, but the disconnect was major. I’ve worn things that keep me safe from men. I cannot wear whatever I want because if I do I get grabbed.
6
I'm confused. Do they mean pain, as in 3 years in a Nazi concentration camp, or pain in the sense of now its fashionable to claim trauma because some men I went out with were crude with me?
I can see trauma from rape, but really, come on, this isn't trauma in the sense of what real trauma is.
8
I got a similar sense in reading this piece.
I also got the sense that a lot of what is being written in this vein has a lot of the sense of "convenience" and "being noticed".
The reader is not the author's therapist.
2
And hurricane Irma was not as bad as hurricane Katrina...unless of course you are the people experiencing the devastation. Probably best to acknowledge the trauma, pain, heartache, that one is enduring, offer what comfort and compassion you can and in a global way work to address the root causes of the trauma.
9
Thank you Allan H!
1
On the internet, no one has to know you're a dog."
Similarly, this hashtag demonstration proves that people can write in and say metoo! But, I don't know if they are men, women or the entire men's choir of the FSB in Moscow-some of the most flagrant of all the planet's abusers of women outside of China and Korea.
I'm sorry, but I don't trust movements based upon the declarations of individuals who insist they be taken at face value. This is how the very charge of rape lost it's power among most adults to incense and outrage. Far too many people recall all the times that blacks or even white "drifters" have been railroaded on charges of murder and rape, or rape for just looking too hard at a white woman.
I was stopped on Park avenue at E. 90th street,my own neighborhood since the 3rd ave. El ran), a few years ago, by a young white mother, who demanded I surrender my camera because, she thought, I might have secretly photographed her daughter on the street. I refused, as is my prerogative and right, but I recall smelling a waft of red wine as she screamed at me, "You don't know who you're messing with!" and other inane threats made to my back. I hoped she was screaming through her hat.
Now I make it a policy to ignore anonymous accusations, demands & assertions by people who might not exist. I have seen that the rush to accuse and demand instant justice,(a rope on a tree?), is as alive on Park Avenue, among women in the E. 90's as it is in American boardrooms.
19
Great, someone who doesn't believe in believing women. No one is saying we should lock up the men mentioned in the article just because a woman said they harassed her, but if millions of women are telling you the tales of their everyday harassment, they might not be lying about this being a very common experience for women.
A fair right to trial and a legal innocence until proven guilty is a separate concept altogether from your argument, which essentially comes down to, "I don't believe millions of women, because what if it's all a hoax?".
10
Wow, meloop.
Millions of women write their experiences of sexual harassment and you dismiss us because you "don't trust movements based upon the declarations of individuals who insist they be taken at face value?" You are able to somehow diminish this outpouring as "anonymous accusations, demands & assertions by people who might not exist?"
How many of us need to speak up for you to hear us?
Do you need to actually witness some lucky woman being asked to have sex in order to keep her job before you believe this happens?
What on earth would it take for you to believe that sexual harassment is real, is rampant and that probably every woman that you know has been harassed?
13
I don't think men are all that surprised. Men were boys once and while I'm pretty sure all girls get a talk about their burgeoning sexuality and their responsibility to themselves and others, few boys do. Boys are left to learn about sex in the locker room, from friends and sadly today from the internet where women are depicted as things to be ogled and used. I don't know how you break the cycle given the images children are exposed to. Even sex education is more about the mechanics rather than the intricacies of relationships and emotions.
Unhappily there will always be men who think they are God's gift to women and men who hate women or themsleves on a subliminal level but these are truly the exceptions, not the norm. Unfortunately they won't be carrying a sign and they can do a lot of damage as evidenced by #MeToo.
9
Yeah, but I hope we're moving towards a time when good men tell boys and other men, "Stop it. This isn't okay," rather than laughing at the locker room talk, or staying silent when a woman is harassed.
A good man is indeed God’s gift to a woman, I met mine at the age of 51 and I am counting my blessings!
1
One might also point to the necessity in advertising, television, and movies...as well as books and fashion...of using "sex" to sell.
While "sex" is often a good sell, "the consumer" must also understand the social consequences that go along with the campaign.
Until society comes to grips with the messages that are sent by the millions every hour of every day, the issue of sexual abuse will never get resolved...
And unlikely even then.
2
It is not about racism alone in our society.
I wish we'd concentrate on sexism more.
It is time.
12
You should have told your sons that their risk of dying violently is four times higher than a female and being assaulted is three times higher. You should have told them that they are incarcerated at 12 times the rate.
You should have concluded that throughout their life that they will be held 100% accountable for every bad decision a female makes - regardless of whether they live within a 1,000 miles of said female.
5
Anyone who calls women "females" doesn't appear to see us as human beings.
We're not livestock. Don't refer to us as though we are.
6
Yes, they're at risk of being assaulted *by other men*.
Toxic masculinity is still the basic problem here...
1
I don't know what you mean by your second paragraph, but as to the first one...what is the percentage of men who are doing all this violent killing and assaulting? I rest my case.
2
Women are not surprised by the sheer volume of these stories, but I can tell you they are angry at other women for "making a big deal" about it. I have been at the brunt of these comments and attacks, during the most recent #metoo phenomenon and any time I broach the topic.
Misogyny knows no limits of gender.
14
As are most women, I am a MeToo - several times over, with the most destructive happening when I was four. But I was also raised by an enlighten father who taught me the same things he was teaching his five boys, and I knew in my bones that "girls could do that too" - so I've gone on many adventures alone. Here are some rules that I've learned along the way:
1. It is much safer to sleep overnight in your car at a rest stop (IF you are able to hide your identity from someone peering through the window), than it is checking into a motel. When I've checked into a motel, it is presumed that I am a prostitute, and unwanted males start appearing, so then I have to ask for another room, and explain that I'm not a prostitute, and if anyone wants to know what room I am in, they are NOT to tell anyone, etc. - such a hassle!
2. When camping, drive through the campground first and choose a spot next to the family with small children. Be sure to introduce yourself to this family and the old couples. Sleep with a knife under your pillow, just in case. If there are no families or old people to camp next to, sleep in your car. Your car is much safer than a tent.
3. Set up a team of people back home to check in with. Before there were cell phones, I used pay phones. I also took a CB radio.
4. Get a dog, and take your dog with you.
5. Don't travel by yourself to areas where women are considered delicate or 'revered'.
17
Sometimes I feel so tired of reading such Op-eds. Why are we still writing about this? It wreaks of victimhood. While on the one hand, we have come a long way from the front desk jobs and are now showing our mettle in every major field, we have become so used to sexual harassment that it has kind of become part of the deal. Recently, my junior colleague faced an inappropriate situation from a senior colleague which I witnessed. I advised her to confront him, but it never occurred to me to report it to higher authorities. It took another male colleague of mine (who found out about this matter) to report it and get the person fired. For me - I never considered it such a big deal ---- even though it was. I suppose my own sensitivity to it has been blunted by repeated exposure.
So yes, #metoo is important, but only if it leads anywhere. Otherwise it is just another futile scream in darkness.
6
What is sad about the #metoo campaign is how silent the "metoo-ers" have been.
Tackling a problem when it shows up is far more effective than whining about the problem years later.
1
The #MeToo that has affected me the most as a mom of a daughter in college is Monica Lewinsky's.
That so many still revere both of the Clintons after that, combined with all of the other women who tried to come forward, sickens me and confuses me, especially since some revile Trump for what he simply said to other men.
Clinton and Weinstein both preyed on very young women and Clinton's wife defended him. At least Weinstein's wife drew the line and filed for divorce.
Even Jimmy Kimmel played a "What's in my pocket" game with an 18 year old girl on tape. Where's the outrage about that tape?
12
It sounds like you mistakenly see this issue through the lens of your political affiliation.
4
I wrote an earlier comment but as I read the comments here -- and because my daughter said my previous comment makes me sound like a wimp -- I would like to note that I was only harassed once and I took such revenge that I think it is likely that boy never sexually harassed anyone else ;)
Not all women have lots of horrible experiences. And a lot of the time we can stand up for ourselves, too.
4
And the message, C, should always be stand up for yourself when the conditions of your safety and security permit.
If they do not permit, get out of the situation as best you can and THEN stand up and speak to the authorities that are responsible for taking action.
It is the silence that allows the abuse to continue. It is the strong voice that puts an end to it.
3
Here's the thing - I stood up for myself and I was still raped.
What I don't want to see is this idea that you just need to _____ (fill in the blank) and you'll be okay.
14
I’m pleased to see the success of th #metoo awareness campaign. That said, I would have preferred to see the current level of women’s outrage over sexual assault during the 2016 presidential election. In the run-up to that election then candidate Donald Trump was repeatedly shown bragging that he had sexually assaulted many women over many years— and he then went on to receive over 40% of the total women’s vote (52% of white women’s votes) in that election. That result remains absolutely astonishing to me— not only is it a little less than inspirational, it seems to indicate that nearly half of all women are entirely willing to overlook (indeed, even support) sexual assault within some contexts. As a man who finds sexual assault/harassment deplorable, I believe men should call out other men over this subject. I’d also suggest there are more than a few women who could benefit from some enlightenment as well.
15
Only 40 % or so of Americans voted.
3
When I was traveling alone in France in 1994 i was walking near a cathedral in broad daylight when an Arab man grabbed me and tried to drag me into a car with 3 other men. At first I tried to be polite but it took a minute for the danger of the situation to penetrate my mind. When I started screaming obscenities in English at the top of my voice the buddies dragged him back into the car and they took off. I never told anyone. As a stranger in a strange land I didn't think to report it to the police. this was just the sort of thing that happens and I escaped and it never occurred to me that anyone would care. That same trip an Italian tried to molest me as I slept on a night train. When I started yelling the conductor came by. He spoke no English but when I pantomimed the man's actions a look of disgust came over his face and the man was escorted away. This is just what happens, everywhere. Boys are not cautioned against these things as they prepare for their adventures because these are the things that happen to women. Yes, of course things happen to boys and young men, but it's a small fraction of what girls may expect. No wonder men are surprised that this is the rule, not the exception.
20
I'm sorry, but why would you think the authorities in France would not care about an attempted kidnapping?
I'm genuinely baffled. Your remark is somewhat reminiscent of the report that there were "no-go zones" in the Paris region, which of course turned out to be false.
Paris itself has a woman mayor, by the way. Anne Hidalgo, whose family escaped Franco, has been mayor of Paris through all of the traumatic terrorist attacks of recent years.
Thank you for your essay. I did talk with my son as he was growing up as I thought it could be one of the most powerful and hopeful things i could do to change the behavior of men and to help him personally be a good man. It was awkward at times, having conversations about things I never thought I'd talk about with him, yet it was also deeply rewarding. He is now in his early 20s, and is more aware of the world and how women are treated than many of his peers. He is a normal, outgoing guy in a healthy relationship with a strong young woman. Our conversations didn't shock or scare him, they challenged him - and me - to think about how we could both make the world a better place.
13
Thank you for talking about this with your son. I wish more parents would do the same.
5
I talked to many Asian women who were never subject to such harassment, but went about their job. well respected and promoted to the highest ranks. Even in India, Pakistan and such "backward" countries there have always been women bosses, prime ministers, presidents, etc.
As we go through life we are all subject to various degrees of bias, pain, and encounters with non-desirables. However, I guess lots of noise makes publicity. I am just worried that all this "me too" would yield a backlash from the great silent majority who wish they could complain - with their own particular brand of grievances, but never can!
All hail "passive agressiveness"!
5
Feminism: the idea that women are human beings and have civil rights.
84
Female Lives Matter.
14
The Me Too Movement is encouraging and should keep up the pressure to boost awareness especially while the iron is still hot from the Harry Weinstein debacle. We live a world very much still male dominated and we are less as a nation as a result of that. That being said, to say that we live a 'Rape Culture' is taking things way too far and just doesn't help a worthy cause. Guys, if you want a place to start, ease up on the porn. It perverts and distorts perspectives and attitudes about women and sex.
5
Does #MeToo include Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey, Juanita Broaderick and other women who were publicly referred to as "trailer park trash? Does #MeToo include the women whose statements were characterized as "just another bimbo eruption"? The power of #MeToo is diminished when half the men are given a pass, and license to harass, because they are on the "left" side of the political spectrum, or because they do "some good" for women. Maybe we are just paying the price for the atmosphere of the late 1990s, when it was "just about sex" and it was said that "everybody does it", as though that made it ok and good. Maybe "what happened" is that America tired of the Bubba and his missus sexual harassment show. The stench of sexual harassment runs deep in America, and maybe #MeToo is just a first step in the march to making it clear that not "everybody does it" and it is not ok, even if the male perpetrator has not yet been convicted of a crime.
8
The problems come, however, when you get articles published in national journals that make accusations that are proven to be blatantly false.
This happens far too many times and makes it difficult for the stories to be believed.
It has taken a scandal involving Harvey Weinstein to open this can of worms? Harvey Weinstein?
How about our dear leader?
Or the myriad of the other millions of men who have disgraced women and children?
10
Gotta love SJW Amy Siskind trying to take credit for Ms. Milano's idea. Goes to prove that the worst enemy of women are typically women (like Ms. Siskind trying to steal the credit for this).
3
So I guess outing Claude Lanzmann as a serial sexual harasser is not allowed in the NYT, not even by a commenter. I sent you links as backup, but I guess none of you can or are interested in reading Dutch. You are such hypocrites! Can someone at least answer me! You have got my email.
Flights to Ireland are cheap, the people are grand, and the country is gorgeous. I hope you husband and sons send you as a thank you after reading this wonderful article.
10
Sexual Harassment is also a big problem in India, a place I have lived in off & on for 30 years and mostly love. Women there have an interesting come-back to come-ons. Saying "Don't you have a sister or a mother?" reminds men of the women in their families. Now, this line doesn't always work, but it's a response worth considering.
5
I see the comment below that "not every woman" has these moments--but I think that's denial. For years I told myself the looks, the remarks, the flirting, the overbearing moments, sometimes the genuinely inappropriate, went by me, because I pretended at the time these things were not happening--I thought, if a man said something he shouldn't, that I was to blame.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
14
While every woman may not experience rape, what struck me reading this is that everyone has many stories of narrow escapes - from what, you can never be sure. But for every act of violence, how many times have we all snuck away, enlisted a friend to help, found a crowded area or ducked into another room? Too many for me to count. Our lives are circumscribed by the omnipresent consciousness that we are moving targets. Enough.
26
Arthur Ashe said: "everyday you wake up and go to work, every day i wake up and go to work as a black man"
Now we see and hear this for women.
I am sharing all of these stories with my hopefully empowered and independent daughters, know what lurks in our evolving society.
Thank you for expressing it.
27
Thank you for taking it seriously.
2
So, what comes next? Talking with men about what they can do to support their female family members, friends, and colleagues sounds good to me. Supporting each other as women is good and necessary, but if we stop here, that makes this look like a "women's problem," rather than a human one.
So, what can you guys do? Take us seriously when we tell you about our experiences. If you hear or see a guy putting down or harassing a woman, say, "Stop. That's not okay." Help us make treating women like we're no more than sex objects unacceptable.
I thank you for reading this. I appreciate the many good men I've met through the years.
15
In the 1970's my mother was adamantly resolute about sending her children to learn martial arts, judo and then later karate, because "it [was] critical for Jewish children to know how to defend themselves". I just couldn't figure out until much later, (with an adult understanding of what it meant to be a person with so many aunts, uncles, and other relatives gassed to death) how she could keep saying that, when it was constantly so much more threatening to be a girl, than to be Jewish, where I lived.
13
Thank you for this sobering article. In researching Jacinda Ardern to find out more about this incoming Prime Minister of New Zealand, I had the good fortune of coming across her Maiden Speech to Parliament in 2008. This is a woman whose leadership truly inspires the best in humanity. I find her potent strength an important response to the despair that one can feel these days by those who have not found constructive ways to mobilize their power. Here is the link: https://youtu.be/Ht9e5K3Z8Xw
2
I'd like to live in a world where bravery isn't what's needed to sleep under the stars.
19
Me Too.
The more I think, deeply, about this the more awkward, humiliating, sometime very scary incidences/assaults I remember. It seems a new one comes to mind everyday.
Perhaps there are so many because I am 60+, longer life more incidences/assaults. During the early half of my life I thought it normal behavior of these older, overweight, creepy men. The second half I learned to use my voice. Having been a character actor I had command of my voice and I knew how to use it. Needless to say I stop pursuing my art as a performer. As one woman put it (fending) ...is exhausting.
9
I remember when I first moved to Portland from Central Oregon. My brother roamed all over the city by bus and on foot without a care towards personal safety. I on the other hand learned very quickly that a teenage girl didn't have the same freedom of movement. I've been groped, rubbed against, or forced to listen to what some guy wants to do to me.
The sad thing is that women make automatic decisions to protect ourselves. Some only wear pants, others don't travel alone after dark, we may only put our headphone in one ear so we can still hear our surroundings, some take more drastic steps like becoming obese so that men will leave them alone.
I don't think men realize that the burden of protecting ourselves has always fallen on women. Every conservative culture has rules for women that are supposed to safe guard their modesty and ensure that they don't temp men. When will men take responsibility for policing themselves so we can live our lives with the same freedom that you do.
Please understand that women aren't man bashing when we share our stories and vent our frustration. Honestly, we're just tired.
28
That final paragraph is fantastic, lands of the reader like a ton of bricks. Great piece.
6
I too feel excited that so many women are responding to #MeToo with their personal stories of harassment and sexual abuse, as well as the impact of these experiences. The weight of these stories cannot be ignored.
Men need to know the prevalence of these encounters and understand the terrible effect they have on women. For too long men have avoided looking at this problem straight on. Instead they have minimized or denied its occurrence, laughed it off, looked the other way, or blamed the woman. Men have a responsibility to condemn this behavior and to step up together to end these abuses.
10
But what is a woman supposed to do? After being sexually assaulted weekly from 10 to 15 and having the regular "but you like it" and "I don't believe you" treatment, I became incredibly aware of my surroundings. I haven't been molested once since 15 years old and I credit this to my overwhelming constant fear that prevented me from being in the wrong place at the wrong time ever again.
So say I wanted to travel alone. What am I to do? I KNOW Its not safe. I KNOW I'm going to put myself in a situation where that kind of crap IS going to happen again. I want to go travel by myself, but not at the cost of being humiliated/abused/raped.
Tell me, what a woman is to do?
17
Do your homework, and find out how to stay safe. And take a self-defense class.
I nursed my mother into her 100th year, nursed my wife during her recent hellish battle with cancer and am more than avuncularly devoted to our 2 daughters. My closest friends are liberal-minded males. That said, I recall the heady 60s aphorism “Lie down, I think I love you.” Explicit sex has since become so diffused through the general culture that it has lost the charge once associated with the sizzle of transgression. Abetted by lax values of the Hollywood swamp and social media, some battles won by feminism & LGBTs have played no small part in forging our materialistic, sex-obsessed times. It’s ironic that Asia D’Argento has fled Italy because even fellow actresses slut-shamed her after she admitted to granting quid-pro-quo "consensual, non-desired favors” to HW. Some critics stressed that a woman`s ability to make decisions extended beyond the medical clinic. I'm sorry for the writer’s pain but have only known 2 men personally who behaved swinishly toward women in my 60-odd years. The same guys treated men badly, too. (Sound familiar?) Activist battles won in the pursuit of happiness that even children now associate with greed and bizarre sexual fantasies will likely continue to be Pyrrhic victories for us all.
3
People were sex-obsessed before the 60s. It was just kept under wraps.
You're looking at the 50s through rose-colored glasses.
2
In your 60 odd years, it's highly unlikely you've only known 2 men who treated women swinishly. There are more that you don't know about.
5
JDM says they have only known 2 men who behaved “swinishly” toward women. No, you’ve known *of* 2 men doing so. But 1 in 5 women are raped in their lifetimes, and you’ve presumably met thousands of women in your life, so the math doesn’t add up.
JDM, could it be that your attitude alienates people, so you don’t hear from them about their experiences?
Unfortunately, the statistics indicate that a woman close to you has probably experienced assault, too. Why do you think she hasn’t told you? How would she expect you to react? How would you react?
3
#MeToo
6
This conversation is worth having - up to a point. Young women are socialized to be flattered by attention from men; young men often grow up thinking coming on to females is what real men do. It gets out of hand; bad things happen; some (both male and female) are sexual addicts; mental problems of all kinds affect both men and sometimes the women who are #metoo-ing. But when we reach the point that women feel the need to engage in bashing men of all ages and in all places, it's gone too far. We're very close to that line now, if not over it.
2
You feel bashed? As all of my harassers said to me, "Don't be so sensitive!"
19
So sorry if our painful memories of the repeated incidents of harassment (for the luckier ones among us) or sexual assault is challenging to your delicate and fragile male ego.
It's not about you; get over yourself.
14
It's not bashing men to say this happens. If you're not one of the men mistreating women, or condoning those who do, then there's no need to assume the negative comments are aimed at you.
We women are appreciative of men who appreciate women. I hope you're in that group. We're asking for your support.
11
I'm not on social media, so this is my #MeToo. The first time was when I was 5 years old, and blamed for "letting him do it." Decades later, that memory still elicits a sense of shame deeper than the anger that now accompanies it. Fast forward to the men walking behind me on a city street talking loudly about raping me, and laughing when I started to run. That's happened more than once. Remembering that, I feel embarrassed. Will the reader judge me as weak, wonder how I was dressed? Or even, why I haven't just "let go" of these things that happened long ago? How about the time, as a teenager, when I was in an elevator with a man old enough to be my grandfather, who, when the doors opened at his floor, turned and kissed me on the mouth and said "Thanks, I've always wanted to do that."
I could go on.
I suspect that I am not alone in my generation of women feeling the pain of resurfacing memories this week. As I witness younger women speaking up in outrage, I am hopeful. What they are exposing is not new, but what is, is that they are being heard.
22
So sorry you've had to deal with that. Thank you for being brave enough to share the details with us.
1
Let me put in my usual plea - men and women, teach your daughters to take care of themselves: to be cautious, to learn self-defense, to learn to speak up. My grandmother, who was born in 1870, advised me, when I went off to a big university at age 17, to get myself a good long hatpin and not to hesitate to use it if someone grabbed me. I didn't do that until I moved to NYC when I was 28, and rode the subway to get to work every day. We women riders used to joke about the "subway penis" (not the word we used) because we made its acquaintance so often. We joked, but it was a disgusting and embarrassing and frightening experience to be in a crowd and have someone rub his penis against your backside or your leg, like an out-of-control dog. I got the hatpin. And twice I used it, stabbing behind me as hard as I could into the offender's thigh. Or maybe once it was a groin. The response was satisfying. Yes, yes, if it had been on a dark street, the man might have killed me. But you know something? I wouldn't have cared at that moment. Rage, driven by fear, will do that to you.
20
We also need to teach our sons how not to mistreat girls and women.
3
If you want change then start electing like minded people in local offices and have them work their way up to higher state and national seats. The Republicans have been doing this for the last 17 years and it's paying off huge political dividends. I get the liberal marches, movements, protests, drum circles and poetry slams - those cathartic activities may raise awareness but they don't win elections. No amount of GOP money can withstand the momentum of popular liberal opinion- but those opinions are meaningless unless they are consummated by the physical act of VOTING! Put down the signs and simply head to the polls. You guys make things more complicated than they should be...
10
Aaron,
You are right that those with a different, more open to others viewpoint need to make it to the polls. I have read many times that the deepest cause of HRC's defeat was that many at least opposed to DJT, Jr. did not go to the polls. But to focus on your comment, it's an old saw that you cannot legislate love. And you also cannot legislate warmth, empathy, understanding which all lead to caring for others. So much of the current political climate comes from those that care about themselves and not others. So this change has to come from within a person, and Steve points down below, this starts at home. Let's hope more of this change, basically the respect for others, the deep conviction that one needs to do no harm, can come about. Voting can help, but it's the inner change that makes the difference.
4
But don't stop there. Make sure others are registered. Help them get IDs if they need them to vote, activate the base.
1
Well, this sounds awfully simple until you add in gerrymandering, voter suppression, smear tactics, and the list goes on. Your point about mobilizing is a very good one, but ignores the fact that a majority of us already voted--for Hillary Clinton, by a rather large majority.
9
Some may find the stark language of this op ed to be unwelcome and uncomfortable. Some may see over generalization. But I think the point is that we’ve all got to be involved to make harassment the exception and not the norm. It’s not good enough to just leave it to feminist activists to work out. Who could take issue with that?
9
My apologies. My comment was written for today’s Roxanne Gay op ed, but was accidentally submitted here.
1
I'm adding this only as a reality check. I'm in my 70s and feel lucky that I've never experienced overt sexual harassment. I'm not discounting those who have, and I have been affected by sexism in other forms, but I think that it's important to know, just from a statistical viewpoint, that not every woman has these experiences.
5
Why is it important?
6
1 in 4.
1
"I taught my sons to stand when an adult enters the room. I taught them to look people in the eye and extend a hand when introduced. I taught them to put their napkins in their laps, not to speak with their mouths full, to stand up for children being bullied. What I had not taught them, it suddenly dawned on me, was how it feels to go through the world as a woman, the mental calculations involved in parking a car downtown or riding an elevator at night or taking a walk in the woods."
Just a suggestion, you can make a difference by educating parents everywhere to do just that. Start a movement. Men and boys do not have to behave badly in a society that both educates and has zero tolerance for such behavior. Thanks so much for speaking out. I hear you.
19
So I hope the conclusion also is that the author then TOLD her teenage sons about those stories - to help them understand and be aware and not grow into the kind of men that could do any of those things.
Parents - talk to your boys!
8
I am a white male. I have made every effort through my life to respect and honor all the people around me regardless of gender. I actively try to show through my actions that I am safe and will not engage in any inappropriate behavior. This is and remains a conscience effort.
But despite my best efforts, I still find myself staring too long or thinking inappropriate thoughts. I correct myself immediately, but I fear I have added to the problem.
So if someone like me who is absolutely committed to not being part of the problem fails from time to time, what hope do we really have?
What would you suggest I do, I am listening.
27
You are doing it. You are listening. You are acknowledging the reality.
Say "I hear you" and mean it every time.
Work to have a more equal distribution of men and women in positions of power where women do not have to be "one of the guys" to get things done. Trust me - I'm 99.9999% sure that if more women had that access the world would be an amazingly better place for everyone.
6
This is not the time for upstanding men to fall on their sword! Last I checked, we are all sexual beings and need to do the work to be respectful of boundaries and not abuse power. It is always good to check yourself, but It sounds like you’re doing that. What you CAN do is give frequent queues that you understand what is not OK, perhaps using anecdotal stories or asking the person who has less power in a situation to tell his or her perspective and listening, etc. Also, you can directly call others out who are harassing, or coming close to harassing, e.g. “you might not realize it, but from her perspective…”.
4
Thinking things and doing things are very different. If she notices you staring too long and doesn't like it, then you may get a dirty look. She felt uncomfortable and now you do. Such is life.
I reject this 'what hope do we really have' argument. Yes we all have animal urges. But only when that urge is combined with a certain sense of prerogative does serious harassment or abuse happen.
Perfection may be the goal, but we'll take improvement any day of the week. Do your best and set standards that encourage other men to do their best.
1
Are we women shrinking violets with no agency at all?
Do we not have the power to stand up to men who make inappropriate advances?
Why, as a class, are we purposely presenting ourselves as weak creatures?
None of this is doing a thing to further our cause as equals.
How many of those who have written #Me Too actually stood up to the offenders, who then backed off? If they did back off, are those women still claiming victimhood, still giving the originally offending man who reacted positively to her signal a black mark?
Are there legitimate cases of harassment, genuine stories of women being victimized? Of course, but if we keep portraying ourselves as incapable of defending ourselves, as chronic victims, we risk losing the gains we have made and going back to a past era where women were considered 'the weaker sex'. What happens then is that men avoid hiring us, promoting us, giving us an equal chance in the workplace and in other aspects of life.
Women are trying to make this a class action against brutish men, and those brutes may eventually get the message, but every individual woman has the power to confront every single inappropriate act and word in the moment.
Say NO. Say STOP. Say the words loudly and clearly. Give him a look that he can't mistake. Push him away. And if consequences occur, bring a lawsuit, or press charges.
5
Wow. Yeah. I would LOVE to live in your world. Or take the drugs you're on. I can't even come up with a rational response to this horrid, horrid comment.
7
another apologetics for man behavior. You need to reexamine your own premises.
5
Thank you!!!! My sentiments, too!
My husband and I, both retired, are looking for a house to buy. There’s a certain part of the city we love, but the only walking access to downtown is through a dark underpass. I refuse to look at houses here and have stated my fears. My 6 ft tall husband thinks I’m being unreasonable. There’s not a woman in this country who would not understand.
192
Totally understand...
8
Lots of men would understand too.
3
This story sounds very familiar. It evokes a couple of deeply buried memories I don't relish, but find worth thinking about.
With each new article about the Weinstein effect that I have read, another long-forgotten memory of an incident of inappropriate sexual aggression in my own 60+ years of life experience has resurfaced. I don't think I'm exceptional in this regard. Up until now, however, I've never felt emboldened to share this conversation with anyone.
Yesterday, I confided this to a friend who last week had denied ever having experienced sexual predation in her life. Upon hearing that women in France were reacting similarly to the "Me,Too" campaign, she unlocked a couple of similarly repressed anecdotes.
If this isn't a tipping point, what is? The fact that even a few men are listening and hearing what's being said is great. But it's we women, and our daughters, who must turn the tables on tolerating these behaviors from men. Breaking the silence is a good start.
68
I traveled to Europe by myself between medical school and internship, for 6 weeks. Mostly, it was fine. I'm intrepid in cities, and I can get by in a bunch of languages and I was having a wonderful time. In Italy, where it was finally sunny and bright, I decided to wear a skirt instead of my usual jeans. And so it was in Rome that men first followed me, down a one-way street in reverse gear and when I first felt afraid. Very afraid. I was back in my jeans before the day was over and men ignored me ever after for the pretty, stylish young women that populate Rome. I have traveled a lot since then, on my own until I got married, and when alone, I was always careful about where I went and what I wore. It's really not fair.
75
Another reason why we don't tell our stories is because -- sensing a common hostility even among the good men -- we keep our mouths shut. Every girl and woman secretly wants to be the "cool girl." The cool girl doesn't really exist, as novelist Gillian Flynn explained in GONE GIRL, but social pressure to 'get a man,' which means being amenable, cheerful, accepting of bad male behavior, makes some women, too many women, collude in their own diminishment.
36
If women participate in this collusion, they will reap what they sow. Why don't you be the way you choose to be and stop worrying about "them" whoever "they" might be? Not sure why you are afraid to demonstrate self-confidence, believe in yourself and open your mouth.
1
The male response to women's vulnerability that drives me up the wall the most is this, "Women really need men and should be grateful to men because men protect women." Some do. Maybe. But they protect women from other men. Thanks for nothing.
51
"...What I had not taught them, it suddenly dawned on me, was how it feels to go through the world as a woman, the mental calculations involved in parking a car downtown or riding an elevator at night or taking a walk in the woods. “It’s dangerous for a woman to camp alone,” I finally said at the table that night. “There are women who do it, but I’m not that brave.”"
No. No, no, no. The majority of the #MeToo stories aren’t about parking lots or elevators or woods. Most of them are about business meetings or dorm rooms or a friend’s house. Even *this* writer's stories are about a babysitter and a friend’s brother and her boss at the fast food place.
She seems to have learned the wrong lesson. I can't understand how anybody could come away from the Harvey Weinstein situation thinking, “We need to explain to men why women don’t feel safe going out into the world, that we’re safer sticking to home and work and people we know.”
By suggesting that the danger is "out there," we not only constrain women's lives, but we downplay the much more significant threat (statistically speaking) from the people we work with, live with, date.
32
Actually, I think the point she is making, if you reread, was that because of these experiences, she was afraid to go on trips alone. She did not have the sense of safety a man would have because she already knew the world was not a safe place. She didn't need to try to go camping alone to see if it was dangerous; she already knew it would be.
58
Thanks, Claire, that's a good point. I can certainly understand why women who don't even feel safe on their home turf would be reluctant to branch out. But the statistics suggest that it's not any *more* unsafe to go camping than it is to go about your everyday life. Women are far more likely to be harmed by people we know than by strangers.
I traveled around the world on my own when I was in my 20's, and it was a life-changing experience. I would love for other women to have similar opportunities. So I'd like to see a change in how we talk about what's "dangerous." I think our lives would be both safer and more adventurous if we could remember that the seemingly-charming but slightly aggressive guy down the hall is actually more likely to be a threat than the random stranger walking down the street at night.
7
I too traveled extensively on my own in my twenties, but i realized very quickly how vigilant I had to be all the time, how ready I had to be to fight or flee. It doesn’t take too many experiences of being followed and hounded on busy streets, or being groped on every kind of public transportation, or being cornered in a hallway to sour the adventure of travel. Instead of feeling free to revel in the amazing sights around me, I had to expend so much energy watching for the real threats and trying to make myself an unappealing target of unwanted attention, wearing grubby jeans and the ugliest shoes I could find. I traveled anyway but always wondered what it could have been like to do so standing up straight, wearing attractive clothes, and confident that the men around me didn’t see me as public property that they could grab and use as they pleased.
3
I applaud the Me Too movement for raising awareness, and hopefully urging us all towards a real revolution of gender relations. However much, though, the benefit to society of the volume of this discourse, I worry that putting our faith in social media as the transcendent engaging force will leave many high and dry. We can never really transmit empathy, relationship and compassion fully through the internet; we can never be truly "heard". I've had patients who were triggered by the social media hashtag, and because their issues are complex, they felt unable to air them publicly with a Facebook post, etc. We need to really hear and see each other, in real life, and develop real world antidotes to the all too prevalent power dynamics that perpetuate these conditions. "Me Too and the Limits of Internet Empathy" https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pacific-heart/201710/me-too-and...
12
I don't think the solution is to make women bare their pain in a public forum. Just to admit the assualt or harrassment or hear about it is triggering, not to mention the inevitable pushback from the men and other women who refuse to believe.
3
I can certainly sympathize with how the constant coverage could be triggering for some survivors of sexual abuse and harassment, but others do seem to find a great sense of support and connection from social media.
There is a certain "strength in numbers", and it's been very helpful to me as a woman (and to a number of my female friends in the online realm) to see this sense of support and solidarity emerging from places like Twitter, etc. Some people find it a relief to share their stories, and to be backed up and believed by large numbers of women who've experienced similar situations.
6
I first got a glimpse of the problem 30 years ago. I was at the office late one night when I heard a woman shout no. I walked into the hall and saw a male employee try to grab her. I was a newly minted manager so I did not really know what to do. When the man saw me he walked away. I expected the woman to come to me and complain but she also walked away. The next day I told the man's manager. A day later the manager came to me and told me a that the man had denied it and that I must be wrong. I looked the manager in the eye and said I saw him do it. It made no difference. The other manager was dismissive saying that it was inconceivable that the perpetrator would grab a woman "just for a feel". I was stunned because I realized he simply could not believe me. I am sorry to say I did not take it any further. I did not talk to the woman because I assumed she would have talked to me if she was willing to talk about it. I did not report it to HR because I thought they would react the same way the other manager did especially if the woman did not report it herself. I think it is important that all managers get very clear training in how to handle situations like this so they will do better than I did.
109
My family went camping a lot and I grew up loving it, but as a young unmarried adult I camped alone I had to choose my route carefully. USFS campgrounds had some supervision in those days, and some Indian Reservations were very protective of my privacy and my safety. I don't know what it is like nowadays, but I will always have a warm affection for the White Mountain and Salt River Apache tribes. The first desk computer I ever saw was in their tribal office. They selected a safe camp site for me and treated me with kindness and respect. It was such a relief to be out, alone and secure.
47
As 99% of social media chain letters are little more than junk and noise, it’s astonishing to see the watershed moment of the Me Too campaign. Humanity finally has a use for Facebook.
41
Social media is just one of many methods of communication, like writing a letter or using the telephone. If you follow interesting and thoughtful people, you'll see interesting and thoughtful things.
I never see anyone complain that the telephone is a useless invention because the only friends and family who call them are terribly boring...
It is startling how ordinary it is for women to have to learn to deal with unwanted advances. It is a lifelong problem one which we rarely talk about.
95
It is heartening to see women organizing and looking for ways to shine light on the whole spectrum of misbehaviors a certain number of men feel entitled to.
I would assume that many such men have limited or no strong sense of emotional boundary. These boundaries were never fully nurtured by their parents (or society as a whole).
In fact, in many instances these boundaries may have been broken, literally or emotionally, by a parent or family member.
Shining light at the family, school, state, country, world level is just as important as child inoculations against diseases.
Religious rigor does not seem to work very well especially if churches are out of step. Free counseling in a capitalistic society should be a goal probably unachievable except perhaps if instituted in schools and not subject to budget constraints.
2
I was not surprised at the numbers of women who have come forward with the #MeToo because at 53 yrs old I have never had a job that did not include a man that thought he had the right to make a lewd remark or put a hand on my backside.
My first real job, not babysitting, was as a carhop and I had to deal with “flashers” and men older than my father making lewd remarks in order to earn less than minimum wage because we earned tips that we had to share, while the boys who worked in the kitchen were paid more and were allowed in to keep their tips if they had to help us.
My next summer job was in a factory where I had to dress head to toe in baggy, oversized clothing in oppressive high heat because of the creepy old men who worked there full time. I hated it but couldn’t tell my parents because our creepy neighbor helped me get the job. I was supposed to be grateful. All of these men had daughters who had to go through the same gauntlet.
Too often girls are taught to be polite instead of being taught to set boundaries. We blame ourselves for someone else’s bad behavior. We blame the victims for fear of becoming a victim ourselves. If the victim didn’t deserve it, then it is entirely possible that it could happen to us. If it’s the short skirt that was the trigger, then we want to believe we are safe if dress like a nun.
Sexual harassment is part of the playbook used as an excuse to pay women less, keep us from boardrooms and fields that would allow us to make the rules.
108
You raise a very good point: that people blame victims to perpetuate the self-soothing fallacy that we live in a Just world and people get what they deserve and don’t get what they don’t deserve.
9
300,000 stories is probably just scratching the surface.
Hopefully many more women will step forward, and more men will face serious consequences, so that this doesn't jusf quickly fade away. #IHearYou
32
I wrote my comment too quickly and meant to write 500,000 for the brave use of #MeToo on Twitter - not to mention the millions more on Facebook.
2
i've never waked alone after dark in any place - in either the city of the country - without being afraid, and I never do it at all unless I am certain there will be plenty of people on the street. I can not imagine the freedom of being outside alone at night and not being afraid.
When I first read about African Americans having 'the talk' with their sons about the dangers of being killed for being black, I wondered if they also had 'the talk' with their daughters about never going out alone at night for fear of being raped. Its worse to be killed. But women will never be free either.
101
When I was a 24 year old law student in 1974, I took a 3 week camping vacation by myself. I knew it was a dangerous trip because I was a woman alone. So when I was in the tent at night, I would wake up every few minutes and listen to the sounds outside for warning of a predator, animal or human. I avoided places that required me to be alone, whether a parking lot or a hiking trail.
I understand now that I was brave to attempt that trip alone. But what I know now is that the same undeniable fear that hobbled me then still haunts and restricts women today. Speaking out together is the only way this will change.
24
Yes we do, primarily because statistically Black girls are have an even higher rate of being molested and Black women have a higher rate of being raped. My mother never allowed me to sit in a man’s lap, other than my father. I was the same with my daughter. The talk happens in elementary school and repeated there after.
10
I believed Anita. I believed Paula Jones. I believe them all.
If every woman tweeted about every uninvited sexual advance Twitter would implode.
In another NYT's story today Quentin Tarantino expressed regret for not speaking out about Harvey. I know why he didn't speak out. Money, not conscious. When money enters a room, integrity leaves. Q sold his soul for money.
59
I've also heard sexual harassment allegations against Tarantino himself, so that might be another reason.
3
My default is to believe the woman. That is because I've been molested by male relatives from age 6 on, raped by men, chased around desks by men, gaslighted by men (the old Exxon boys of the early 1980s were really into that), roofied by men, etc etc etc.
I believe women as the default.
9
Since you have endless editorials about sexual harassment and "Dear Men, It's you too," type articles. Let me put the so called unfairness that is sex discrimination in perspective for you. The sexual assault laws in New York City state that consent is defined ONLY by an affirmative response. The law does not accept subtle cues, body language, clear "go's" as consent. Even if a woman undressed completely before you and smiled, it is not consent. Every man in NYC has to ask a women, "Can I do X?, can I do Y?" To which he must receive a "Yes" to proceed with the most natural of human activities, that has become taboo by THIS puritanical culture informed by feminism. Now since that IS the law, it is reasonable to believe that every single man in NYC could be behind bars with a law like that on the books. That is the real gender/sex inequity, and something should be done about that. Only men go behind bars for what is the most natural human action. Actually it is the only action that ensures the human race continues, and it is so shamed. Unfortunately, everything in the NYTimes is against male interest. I'm sorry you were born women, I know it's tough, but I now believe it's tougher to be a man, even though I will be burned at the stake for saying it. Women don't have the fear of being put behind bars for their natural inclinations, men do. We are the only ones who by law, must suppress our natural inclinations. Women do what they want, can't say otherwise.
7
The language in the applicable statute is irrelevant if the law is not enforced. Identify some cases in NYC where a guy was prosecuted for sexual assault due to lack of affirmative consent by a woman.
23
First of all, that's just not true under New York law. (There was a 2015 state law requiring college campuses to implement affirmative consent policies, but that doesn't affect the criminal law, and the definition of affirmative consent under those policies is nothing like the caricature here.) Second, either way, this comment is irrelevant to the current discussion, which is about actions that are not consented to no matter what standard of consent is applied. The point here is simple: no one should be subjected to this kind of behavior.
14
Peter, you must be taking your cues from the sexual assaulter, liar in chief currently polluting the WH with his toxic presence. As a former sex crimes prosecutor, let me inform you that NYC does not have its own "sexual assault laws". The laws that govern sexual assault are the New York State Penal Laws (Article 130), which contain no such provision. So that is a straight up falsehood.
Interesting that you think sexual assault and harassment is "the most natural human action" and a man's "natural inclination." Such behavior is also not in any way necessary for the continuation of the species. Our bodies are not your playground and if you don't like it, tough s**t!
Oh but woe is you, your poor sad little persecuted man! How do you ever get out of bed in the morning? I think I hear the sounds of the world's smallest violin. . . .
12
As was pointed out, we have many concerns along with sexual harassment and abuse. The possibility of thermonuclear war, global warming, refugees, women’s ability to choose, millions of uninsured Americans, and sexual harassment can all be traced back to the problems inherent in the human belief system. Until we come to understand how our many beliefs are manufactured and held, we will continue to endure all manner of unnecessary suffering.
See:
RevolutionOfReason.com
TheRogueRevolutionist.com
2
I think you meant to say "Until we come to overthrow the global patriarchy..."
2
I thought about my college orientation and the 1 hour of information to protect women from being raped. I was scared for a long time after that. But later I became a mother, once, twice, three times; the last birth also birthed a braver me. My youngest was born with health issues and has survived many severe illnesses. But he birthed the bravery in me by making me question professionals, argue with insurance companies and political socio paths.
I’ve won most of my fights for him. Then I turned a corner last year and said now I do what makes me whole. It began with my year of no. It’s very impowering and brave. Dear women - start there, say yes to you and your needs.
28
There are many pieces in response to #MeToo that are powerful and compelling. The quiet straightforward voice in this one resonates profoundly, probably because it is a telling of the ho-hum everyday experiences of every woman, and captures the insidiousness of the constant low-beat drum of "smaller" assaults, the exhausting and relentless weight of the armor we must wear every minute of every day and night. Thank you, Margaret Renkl.
36
Ah yes, female reality. Before reading this article, I was deciding whether to drive downtown alone - and park - tonight to attend a new play - "The Agitators". It's about the loyal but sometimes contentious friendship of Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass, both residents of Rochester, NY.
No man would probably have been debating with himself for 20 minutes about doing this. But parking alone - GASP! Even these tiny decisions have an element of fear.
Thanks for the article - I'M GOING!!
50
Your brave reporting from experience is a sad chapter in human relations gone awry, mainly by us men behaving badly, with sexual urges leading to bullying women into submission. This 'business as usual' machismo is, or should be, intolerable, but goes on seemingly undisturbed until, and unless, you speak up. Sad to say, this gender lack of respect starts at home and goes on at school, and follows at work and even in the bedroom. It is an urgent case in need of treatment now; and ideally, a case of prevention...by teaching our kids since infancy to love each other. And that requires self-respect...before we can recognize the need for reciprocity.
14
It's not a chapter. It's the whole book.
2
Sexual harassment and assault have nothing to do with "sexual urges". They're about exerting power over someone, making them feel inferior, and keeping them "in their place".
5
Whenever I'm out with my small children in a crowded place, I always remind them that if we get separated or if anyone gets lost, they should find a police officer or another mommy with children to ask for help. My husband heard me do this ritual one day and asked why they can't find a daddy to ask for help. Well, frankly, it's because strange men aren't safe. Even known men aren't safe! I think my husband is starting to understand now.
94
“MeToo” needs to firmly,clearly,acknowledge that a daily, violating WE-THEY culture,and range of countries,exist.Have from way back.Enabled by powerful individuals and systems.Fed by documentable,complex processes of complacency.Cooptation.Willful blindness about what is going on-words and deeds-which shouldn’t be.And what isn’t going on,which needs to BE, if menschlichkeit for ALL, is enabled.By equitable sharing.Of available and accessible human,and nonhuman,resources.Needed for achieving and sustaining well being.At all levels.And areas.As a process.As viable outcomes overcoming willful deafness.To a range of unnecessary physical, social, psychological, spiritual, economic,and many other types of pains.As well as those pains which are muted by the often powerless; exhausted, in their helplessness and existential suffering and aloneness. Willful ignorance. Excused in so many ways.Tarantino acknowledges, today, that he “knew enough to do more than he did.”Many knew.Knew more. As well as less.And didn’t DO.People, you and I,are drowning in data.In analyzed knowing.In derived understanding.In paralyzing complacency.In types of ongoing, toxic cooptation.”WHYs" are asked as if their answers, in a range of forums, will result in necessary “doings.” These are the acculturated-faux-concerns. Transmuted into barriers.Protecting a violating status quo.Relevant questions-their inherent quests to explore and make needed doings at all levels-aren’t being created! Asked.Used to do with.
1
Well, some cynical souls are saying: women should not be so beautiful or so attractive. On the other hand we, men, know that there're many in the streets that are not only attractive but provocative. They're looking for trouble some would say. In the cinema industry it's blatantly clear that female wannabe actress are promoted by industry moguls through 'professional' photo editing with evident provocative poses. Problem is, those starlets totally agree with this 'treatment'.
2
They don't agree! What makes you think that the women are complicit? They want a job, and there just hasn't been much of any other way. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Seen Rosanna Arquette or Mira Sorvino much lately? THIS is why. They said No, and they paid for their bravery.
9
You are 100% wrong that women are "looking for trouble" or in any way responsible for harassment based on the way they dress. It is *NEVER* okay to sexually harass or assault someone, even if they're walking down the street naked. Harassers are the only ones responsible for their own behavior.
Your attitude is exactly why more women don't feel safe coming forward and talking about their experiences, because they know there are people out there who will blame them instead. ("What were you wearing?", "You must have led him on somehow", "Well, what did you expect?", etc.) This needs to stop.
13
I sympathize with the sheer number and horror of so many stories, but, as we are often asked in graduate school, so what? What are we going to do to protect our daughters, our sisters, our wives, our and our mothers?
Is this America's Truth and Reconciliation forum? Where we speak up and then forget (and presumably go back to the same behavior?)
Is this the foundation for genuine organizational change? Will companies finally act on reports when they come forward? Will the halls of justice be moved to act on complaints? Will companies remove predators rather than continue to make excuses? Will women feel comfortable moving from twitter and into judicial forums that bring real consequences to those who perpetrate these crimes when necessary, feeling comfortable that officials will listen and act on evidence?
In a sense, we have all seen Harvey Wienstein's ... it's definitely a start to acknowledge what both genders see far too frequently. It feels like there is plenty of consensus that that we need to do more than merely acknowledge. Perhaps the academic question should be, "What now?, rather than, "So what?"
2
I'd like to start with an overthrow of the patriarchy, or at least a more balanced ratio of male to female in the halls of power and commerce. Like, say, 50/50.
6
Thank you for the thoughtful story that rang so true. I hope you made it to Ireland, and if you haven't yet, that you will go at last. Best wishes.
34
Thanks for that article. I have backpacked alone many times, biked around Europe on a few occasions when I was younger, and even hitch-hiked across the country and back. Those trips are the highlights of my life. It is so unfair that women must not only take serious risks to do those things but then have the experience degraded by fear while doing them.
34
Poignant. Relevant. Heartbreaking for women. Will we overcome?
11
Wow! You are so right.
7
I remember the first time I had even an inkling of the level of constant harassment women face - everywhere. I was 23 (and had already lived in NYC for 7 years).
A friend told me of an incident on the subway. She was sitting down when a Hasidic man sat down next to her and started making sexually inappropriate comments. She tried to fend him off, when suddenly he told her to be quiet and sat very still.
Evidently, another Hasidic man had just gotten on the subway, and the first didn't want the second to see him.
A few stops later, the first Hasidic man stood up and left the subway car. The second Hasidic man then immediately sat down next to my friend and started flirting with her in a particularly obnoxious manner.
I was stunned. She laughed, and told me, because of her particular kind of Jewish looks, this happened to her every time she visited NY.
I then started looking around with very different eyes, and realized this was happening everywhere, all the time.
Yet, despite my attempts to be more aware of this, I have continued to be shocked throughout my life when confronted with it more directly. I was just as shocked, some 10 years later, when a female student came to me for comfort, having just been groped by a man on the subway.
I don't think it's possible, as a man, to fully get what women have to go through on a daily basis.
But it's certainly worth making the effort.
229
Pleased stop being shocked. You can be shocked once. After that, you are only pretending to be shocked.
11
The way you'll get it is by acting when you're in the, metaphorical or literal, locker room and the locker room talk starts. Try to stop it - dollars to donuts you'll get an inkling of what women face. And that's merely social standing, not even a risk to your physical safety. It is going to take a whole lot of men who have little to gain (arguably, though one could argue the reverse as well) and lots to lose and no particular reason (other than because it's right or to help people they love) to turn this tide. I'm hopeful. Come on guys, step it up.
13
That is not a very kind answer. Period.
2
Powerfully written. Especially (edited/rearranged):
"We tell the stories that are remarkable in some way, stories that are surprising, utterly unexpected. The quotidian doesn’t make for a good tale. There is nothing unusual about these stories. They are the ho-hum, everyday experiences of virtually every woman I know, and such stories rarely get told."
They have been, now, at least partially. While it is a good thing overall, "#IHearYou" is not enough. Hearing is not enough--listening is more important. And even more so, as a man in this culture, I need to be writing "#IDid" about the actions we have taken to change ourselves and others, to change the laws and the ethos, to change things that have allowed this to hurt so many of the human beings as valuable as us that we share this world with.
9
Two of every six women used to be the statistic....sounds as though that figure should be updated! What a sorry state we occupy when we all know so very many like us.
8
I recently went through jury duty where there were 60 of us in a pool for a felony sex trafficking of a minor case. Every. Single. Woman who stood to answer questions from the attorneys had been the victim of sexual assault or had a close friend or relative who was.
Random strangers from all areas of the county - all ages, races, socioeconomic backgrounds.
Every. Single. Woman.
18
It made me very sad to read that your sons had the impression that their father was more courageous and interesting than their mother. Your long list of the aggressions against you was not just sad but appalling. Yes, most men have no idea what it's like to be constantly vigilant. They don't know how much we think about it, that we have to make decisions all the time about what we can do and where we can go to avoid the risks of harassment and assault.
What a waste of our mental energy! How freeing it would be if we didn't have to worry about getting into the elevator with someone or parking on a dark street or avoiding situations like the ones you found yourself in.
To me the most devastating thing in this otherwise excellent op-ed is this line: "We have bigger things in this country to worry about than whether producers in Hollywood are sexual predators...."
We are talking about acts of violence!! Violence that was aided and abetted by many people. So what if it's "only" Hollywood? It's a blatant example of what goes on all over.
Weinstein's actions were felonies. They constituted serious violence. I feel like we need to say "violence" over and over again so that people take this seriously.
What could be more important than keeping half of our population safe?
I'm more worried about my daughters getting date-raped than about them being nuked by North Korea or killed by terrorists. It is far more likely that they will be victims of sexual violence.
120
Yes, I agreed with the article overall, but that particular line struck a bad chord with me as well.
*Any* sexual abuse/harassment in any sphere is a very serious matter, and should be treated as such.
1
#me too: These stories have dredged up plenty of stories from my past of boys and men behaving. I just remembered that in 1975 when my sister turned 16 on a hot summer night in Westchester county, we decided to call one of the three major AM radio stations. I took the phone and dialed either WMCA (570), WNBC (660) or WABC (770) -- I don't remember which. I was calling to request 16 Candles or Sweet Sixteen for my sister. My sister and her friends were all giggling. The DJ--yes, THE DJ--a man who I held in esteem because I heard him on the airwaves all the time--started in with a graphic explanation of what he wanted to do to me--and the girls in the background-- sexually. I was stunned...we all were. But, somewhat oddly--but conditioned to-- felt responsible--like I or we had done something to bring out his worst behavior. He obviously couldn't see what we were wearing. Was it something in our voices that said it was okay for him to be a pig?!? He even knew most of us were minors! It was the 70's--I had already lived through plenty of boorish behavior. I am so glad for this movement to speak up. It's been a long time and we need change. Women need to assert their power.
61
I just remembered another thing: Around 1985, a mother of young children in my town called a plumber or electrician and their helper came -- a man who it turns out had already been suspected of murdering another woman. So, he rapes and murders her. My neighbor (a female) says "I wonder what she did to deserve that." I said "probably nothing." The point is how people think women deserve to be treated badly if they are treated badly.
6
I'm sorry but the world is full of predators of boys too. You are promoting a stereotype that this is a girl problem. Boys are even more likely to hide molestation out of macho pride.
3
Oh my goodness. She is not promoting anything. She is telling us of her personal experience and we need to listen. When a male victim of this horrendous abuse speaks, we need to listen to his experience as well. If this dialogue on sexual harassment and assault continues as it must, we all need to listen to everyone's unique experiences.
40
no it is not the same. molesting boys has always been seen as demented and criminal laws have ben enacted by society to punish them. harassment of women has not.we are talking about a woman not being able to go to work or walk down the street without being harassed. our society framed by men, many many years ago, created this environment. it is way more than about a sex act. i do not mean to suggest boys aren't molested and that they are not victim'. the scale of the oppression is different.
43
Most of society's problems are rooted in macho pride. It's women's turn now. Please stop. This is the same logic as white pride and the men's rights movement. Systemic, historical injustice is not the same as individual lived experience.
33
Thanks. Both my teenage son and my daughter were handed this as required reading.
Keep it up, NYT. A free press is a free country.
195
Oh, how this rings true. Women are prisoners without wall in ways most men cannot begin to fathom. A group of us, young college women, walking the streets in Mexico in the early evening; catcalls, whistles, hands...we never went back out. "Nice" girls aren't out after dark....Look at the photos of public places in the middle east - few, if any, women. We need to take back the streets, the countryside, the peaceful, isolated, beautiful places, the thronged places, the markets, all of it. How many lives have been confined because of it? It's insidious and evil.
77
Thinking of all the missed opportunities to do stuff, go places, just BE out in the world alone makes me realize how women are subliminally trained to be less independent. Having that constant nagging fear holding us back! Imagine what women could be and do without that fear in their lives.
58
I was thinking about this the other night - remembering as an early-developed 14 year old being followed all around Italy even with my mother present and how it just went on from there. I sat in my living room and cried.
9
These are exactly the stories that we should be telling boys. When they come from a mother, sister, aunt or grandmother they will have far more impact than anything they might read. They will wonder why someone would treat the person they love like this?
That child's curiosity will open what will sadly, but necessarily become a lifelong conversation. But it will be the very conversation that we need to have to begin to change male behavior.
Children are open and ernest. They want to know about the world around them. Let's not pretend that a vast part of that world is built around male dominance and power over women, frequently accompanied by sexual assault or the constant threat of sexual assault.
For the Harvey Weinstein's it's already too late. They are simply criminals and should be seen as such. But we can and must raise a new generation of boys and men who have a different consciousness about themselves, their sexuality and most importantly about women and girls.
There is a lesson from the lives of African Americans that offers a model. Every Black parent sits down with their Black child to teach them how to maneuver in a world that remains full of racial hostilities. Women and girls of all races face the same thing, only the dangers are around gender and sometimes race and gender
We don't enjoy these conversations because they remind us of how little we have done to make this a safer world. But we must have them and offer them as part of our own vision of equality
22
Thankfully I have a strong wife and as a result two strong daughters! I was struck about, even at 78 years old, how I still haven't fully understood how much women's lives are dramatically influenced by the disgraceful behavior of men! Thank you so for writing this opinion piece,
42
"This kind of activism inevitably moves out of the news cycle when" follows list of scary bad things affecting millions.
Sexual predation of men on women is a scary bad thing that affects billions, daily, hourly. Don't minimize it as you have before in your life. The sum of it year after year is as big as any human rights issue that has ever existed.
32
It is not just blatant sexual harassment that has existed and continues to exist. Women, especially women in the business world suffer put-downs endlessly, almost invariably about their supervisory capabilities. And that includes not just their client base but closer to home, from employees both male and female, and even from their own family members.
I feel sure Anita Hill suffered not just from Clarence Thomas's capers, but in aspersions cast in her workplace.
23
Powerful and so true. #IHearyou
Sorry to admit that most men voted for the madman in the WH even after what he said. I didn't and never would to see a man like trump in this position.
12
As a leader in the movement to end violence against women, I've been asking other women, in both my work and personal circles, if they've ever experienced unwanted sexual touch. Not necessarily an action that would rise to the level of criminal assault, but a man touching them sexually without permission. One woman in almost forty years has said no. One.
65
If we were all totally honest, I bet just about every woman has experienced some form of sexual harassment or abuse. You certainly could not have lived in the 1950's or 1960's without it happening to you. It was a given. Men called their secretary their sexritary and touching or being brushed up against was routine. Complaining would be useless. It is a sad commentary on our country that we have actually made so little progress. It is painful to know my granddaughter will have to contend with it. No one deserves to be treated as a sexual object, to be dehumanized.
162
That is why General Kelly claiming that 'women used to be sacred' is such utter nonsense!
35
There must be some progress because there are so many more women in powerful positions now. I'm a female business owner and, I'm telling you, anybody in my company doing what you described would be out the door so fast, they wouldn't know what hit them. That's because I "get it," and I'm the decision-maker. I believe there's hope!
4
In the 1970s I worked for a county government agency. Two men in the office would pinch my bum as I walked by or press their bodies against me while I was filing; a couple times the presser reached around to cup my breasts while he breathed in my ear and told me what he wanted. I should have screamed but I knew no one would help - I was the only female in this office, the person with the most education and the lowliest job. I went to the head of the division, who sent to me a woman in the county's HR office; she brought out a catalog and told me I should find another job. Even though that experience was more than 40 years ago, it still makes me shaky when I think of it.
To see that there has been little or no change over these decades is - well, I can't come up with a word that expresses the depth of my distress.
10
Thank you for naming these dimensions of female reality so precisely and artfully. Those around us often never hear about the relationships only partially (or never) developed, the places never visited (or exited early), the events never attended, the adventures never explored, the personal and/or professional potential never realized-- all and only because of the absurdly inordinate risk to our physical safety and psychological well being in the misogynistically devaluing, demoralizing, degrading and violent world in which we live. Yes, we expend energy inventorying our courage on a day to day and, sometimes, a moment to moment basis-- and we achieve tremendous things because we leap anyway, we go anyway, we speak anyway, we dare! And sometimes-- all too often-- our "daring" costs us dearly. It should be noted that people of color and other minorities must exercise a similar sort of courageous, calculating vigilance in order to navigate minefields of bigotry and oppression. As the ever changing news cycle sends #MeToo to the dim reaches of public awareness again, I pray that a significant residue of consciousness, compassion and commitment will linger, so we can all benefit from a more just, safe, and healthy human community.
48
My husband is a wonderful human being, a feminist of great character, yet even he did not understand what I was talking about when I tried to explain "how it feels to go through the world as a woman." Until one morning, when we were walking together very early, before the sun had risen. A car came towards us in the darkness, going too fast and veering too close, and my husband started yelling at the driver. This always makes me nervous anyway - we're on a lonely, isolated road, and people in rural PA tend to be armed. This time, after the car had passed, the driver stopped and started backing up towards us. My immediate impulse was to take off sprinting through the woods. Turns out, the driver was a woman, and she was backing up to apologize. When I realized this and came back, I told my husband, "Now do you get it? My first instinct as a woman is ALWAYS to assume that I'm in danger. Always." It left an impression on him.
134
My boyfriend, also an amazing human being and feminist, was stunned that I had actually been called the "C" word for not allowing a man to buy me a drink. More than once. At different locations, in different years.
10
Something about this article really hit me. I suddenly think about all of the opportunities I've missed in my lifetime because of fear of going somewhere alone. How much I would've like to have spent time under the stars in the mountains or woods or beach. How much I would've like to have hopped in the car and visited a park or gone to a town or city I've never been before. Even take a trip to Ireland...Or just spend time outside at night in my own background... sigh. I'm not that brave either. And I shouldn't have to be.
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Yes. The wish to hike alone, travel alone stops with “will I be safe.” Years of abuse by an older brother (11 years difference) has shaped my world view. There were other predators such as walking home with a friend, a car stops, we are asked directions and the driver exposes himself. We were 7 or 8 years old. There was more.
I’m in my early 70’s.
115
Deb's comments finally made the tears fall that had started to form as I read the article. Maybe others have said it but this is the first time I read the account of another woman that articulated the lack of freedom and ease of living women endure. Our choices are always informed by issues of personal safety. We must always take it into account and the restricted choices influence everything. A movie alone. A walk in the park. A spontaneous bike ride. Travel. I can't say it better than Deb. I am fortunate that I have so far escaped great harm but am sad that I consciously and unconsciously constructed my life to try to remain safe from males. In America we like to speak of freedom and look down on how women in other countries are treated. It may look as if we are doing better here but we know now that appearances are not what they have seemed. I hope that women speaking up will continue, as upsetting and unsettling as it is, so that women know that we don't have to take this behavior and that daughters who follow may have the freedoms we knew innately we did not.
142
Thank you for this, Deb. It's very, very sad that we have all had to make these choices, that regardless of all the progress women have made, we still don't feel safe alone.
What freedom men have!
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