I just had a new granddaughter and am getting used to 3 dogs coming and sniffing her and being around her. Her parents consider the dogs a big part of their family and introduced the baby's used clothes to them the day baby was born. Each dog came and sniffed her when baby came home. Since the baby was born via C-section, I feel good about the dogs and the general mess in the house as the baby grows older. She definitely needs a real germy environment to build her immunity as well, not a sterile one. Lots have changed since I raised my girls.
2
I saw a lady in synagogue let her kid eat a lollipop that was rolling around sticky and wet on a dirty floor with mud and snow from the storm on Saturday. He plucked it up and put it right in his mouth. The mother did not bat an eyelash. She just went on helping the kid read his book and play with the little brother. That to me was great mothering and I told her how refreshing it was to witness it.
1
There can be all kinds of toxins in mud and snow, such as motor oil, gasoline, and - the most dangerous of all and one that kills - anti-freeze. The mother was reckless.
A great advise that makes grand-parenting enjoyable and keeps peace in the family; "nodding and shutting up."
5
I feel like you are writing for me. My family is sure of it. The images and your insights resonate so much, that even the baby toys seem ripped from my grandson’s box. I look forward to your new column/blog.
Your mom raised you ok - you raised your daughter ok - and she will raise her daughter ok. Things change - that’s ok, too. Relax and enjoy each other.
4
"In fact, nodding and shutting up should probably be your default response to just about everything."
Wise words to live by.
14
My 31 year old daughter (who gave birth last year to my one year-old granddaughter) just texted this article to me. After reading it, I texted back, "I wrote this under an alias, right?" It's 100% true and accurate. Thank you! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
9
You should not bring children into this world. Not the way it is today. Lets face it, most children are spoiled, wanton, bullying, entitled, selfish human beings like their parents and are not taught grace, acceptance, empathy and understanding. They also lack listening skills, patience and the desire to be good to others for the sake of being good. You think you are raising angels. Teach girls to not worry so about looks and what others think. Teach boys to respect themselves and the women in their lives. Teach yourselves not to protect your angels when they do wrong and give to the human race, human beings who will do some good if you insist on giving birth to them.
1
Clearly, you've met different children that I have. Most I run into are kind, with sometimes clumsy attempts at empathy and radical swings between their own urgent desires and an urgent desire to please those around them as the grow to be the wonderful adults I now know.
I've met a few of the wrong kind, but perhaps the problem is the eye of the beholder.
b
16
Since when is licking an urban swing a good idea? NYT making it sound like this is what people should let their kids do. There is rat poison all over city parks, pesticides/fertilizers for grass, lead residue etc. There's a big difference between exposure to, say, farm animals and good microbes--as current science suggests--and allowing kids to suck on known carcinogens and heavy metal residues. Common sense, people.
11
LOVED IT
8
Your wonderful piece made me smile. Not my usual reaction to a newspaper article these days. My three grandchildren are the lights of my life. Being Bubbie to them is the most rewarding 'job' there is. I stayed with my daughter for three weeks when my granddaughter was born. I followed orders, as you did, and loved every second. Thanks for the memories.
9
what an adorable and beautiful article! My father has taken a year off work to watch over our firstborn; he lives in our ohana unit and while we are at work, he takes baby to the library, the beach, the playground. Long walks to look at birds and dogs. He's taught him to clap, sing, crawl and walk. He has tolerated my insane paranoia with a noncommittal "hm, okay." I can't express how grateful I am for people like him, and you - but when I try to thank him, he says, "ah, what's one year out of eighty?". Thank you for all you do.
20
Paula,
A friend of mine, in his US Navy days, served on a nuclear submarine. During the months at sea, he and his mates breathed purified air in an ultra-clean environment. Returning to normal life, they then caught every illness going around. His advice: "Don't fear germs!"
11
Lovely piece. My mother, a psychologist who researched alcoholism in women, among other things, once told a group of fellow academics that she used to nurse her firstborn while drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. She had to flick ashes off the baby's head every now and then. "And he turned out fine," she claimed (actually he's had lifelong asthma). Not sure what happened in my infancy, but I was encouraged to 'go play outside.' In my 40s I developed a, thankfully mild, case of IBD.
Perhaps the association between cleanliness, dirt, and the microbiome is irrelevant. It may be the tons of chemicals in our food, air, and water that shapes our immunity. And to fix that, we need to change our government, not our personal sanitation.
10
Actually, it is my understanding from my daughter and her three children that "propelling food into baby" is also a thing of the past. All three of my grandchildren nursed until they started feeding themselves. My daughter simply put soft/appropriate/healthful foods on the tray of their high chairs, and they ate until they were satisfied. Not one of them was ever fed by an adult with a spoon saying, "Here comes the airplane! Open wide!," like I did. So much easier and better for baby. But there seems no avoiding getting food everywhere no matter what.
7
Our first children were identical twin girls born in Rome, Italy, which cost us a signature on the hospital discharge documents. (We have universal single-payer health care which also covered a stay of about eight days for my wife in the luxury of the department for mothers nursing premature babies in incubators.) In the twin stroller we would often walk them up beyond Circus Maximus to the well tended Orange Garden on one of the Rome hills. I repeatedly attempted to convince other mothers to allow their children to GET DIRTY! “Pietro! Non ti sporcare” I would hear someone shouting (“Peter! Don’t get yourself dirty”) They would also chase a child dedicated to play to force baby food into their little mouths when the kid was obvious not hungry! And on television, we would see ads on the array of products to use to STERILIZE bathrooms and the entire home. Our grown girls and two sons arriving later have immune systems of stainless steel!
5
Thoroughly enjoyed your comments which brought back memories of my grandmother's admonishments. The warning sounded like this: "shporki, shporki" as she descended upon us with a washcloth. In our family, fighting dirt was an industry. We lightened up as time went on, but I became Mrs. Tiggywinkle.
3
Several years ago, there was an article in The New England Journal of Medicine entitled: "Let them Eat Dirt"!!
4
Grandparents are our future.
9
I remember my mother, after having 3 sons and one daughter, telling me that, over the years, her newborns were delivered to her, in the first instance, me, being brought to her all cleaned up, sparkling 'newness'.
And then, her last baby, my sister, being brought in to her, fresh from the womb, plastered with the wreckage of being born.
Things have changed.
9
I couldn't help notice the juxtaposition between this opinion piece and an exposition in tonight's NY Times: A Gun to His Head as a Child. In Prison as an Adult.
I wish as a society we could focus on the light-hearted caring and learning offered in Paula Span's experiential learning for grandparents.
Sadly, though, too many children are raised in families where these perfect reflections don't exist. In fact, there is cyclical pain, suffering and abuse that is immeasurably harmful to the child, the child's eventual children and so on.
Our goal as a Society should be to help these children of hurt overcome the pain and abuse they've received as children so that they can break the cycle of hurting their children. Organizations like Nurse Family Partnership help single-mothers learn to be a wonderful loving parent, so their child can grow up to to be a loving parent and grandparent too.
If we all tried to understand and help those less fortunate than ourselves, perhaps the world would be a better place and there would be many more happy, educated children, parents and grandparents.
12
And yet another statement of affirmation: I found out that I broke every last one of those sterilizable bottles… So the pressure cooker/autoclave had to be given away to scrap metal. So now I enjoy a robust immune system w/ no asthma or allergies. Plus with a strong affinity for poison oak and things like that, I never seem to suffer the effects from exposure and rashes anymore.
I'd like the part about changing diapers as if only yesterday and not 30 years… luckily, I get to practice on myself occasionally, so as not to even have to worry about "practicing" on a grandchild for in the future when I might become incontinent.
2
We are in our seventies, with three precious grandchildren, two of whom are still toddlers, and find the rules have changed so much, we are amazed our own kids survived to adulthood.
We are even more astounded at the differences in must-have gear--which our kids spent small fortunes on in lieu of the old cradle ("a death trap, Mom!") and other things I had carefully saved for thirty-plus years. My husband recently overheard a grandfatherly airline pilot shaking his head over what all they have to deal with these days: "I took my kid all over Europe in an umbrella stroller. These days they come aboard in double-wide Barcaloungers."
14
Too funny. And we wonder why the millennials grew up feeling entitled.
1
I love this article. While not yet a grandparent, my two girls are 18.5 years apart. They are 24 and 5! It's been an interesting experience parenting a little person before internet was a thing and after. You don't need half the stuff people tell you, don't stress out about the little things, slow down and enjoy your time with them, let them eat chicken nuggets and French fries 3 days in a row, and above all else just love them. That's what they remember the most.
20
Bartolo Colon was a much loved pitcher for the Mets who also played for other teams, including the Yankees, and now, the Minnesota Twins. The oldest pitcher in Major League Baseball, he received a rapturous cheer at the recent wild card game at Yankee Stadium versus the Twins. Your granddaughter sounds like a gem.
6
Yes, it is wonderful to rediscover how precious babies are. What I find even more wonderful is finding what true friendship is with my teenage grandsons. They are a delight to cook with, go shopping with, talk sports and all manner of other things. I never knew there was so much to know about sneakers until a precious 17 year old took me by the hand and walked me through five shoe stores. Yep, its great being a grandmother!
11
my mom was long gone before my baby came to us, 21 years ago. I would have loved to have my mom "annoy" me with tips, assistance and love. so to all the new or expectant moms-- be grateful for what you have... and learn to smile and nod yourself when it gets too smothering!
26
When my fussy son was 3 months old, my 60 y.o. in-laws insisted that hubby and me have a date night. Upon return, we find him swaddled in multiple layers and mom-in-law stated, "fussy babies like to swaddled". One week later, my 80 y.o. parents insisted that we have a date night. Upon return, we find our son, stark naked, no diaper, lying on a blanket. My mother stated, "fussy babies like to be naked." Different generations, different styles.
53
When my son was fussy, I took his shoes off, (THey were corrective shoes.)
1
Now, did they every babysit together?
Loved this! Can I be a Bubbe someday even though I'm not Jewish? As the mother of sons, I spend a lot of time nodding and keeping quiet. LOL!
20
I'm not Jewish, either, and requested (25 yrs. ago) to be called, gramma. Wish I could do it again and change it to Bubbe.
2
Our grand babies are the joys of our lives now as our own children were when we were younger. The best part is that I don't need to make parenting decisions. My adult children are very educated about safety and products that can help them parent. Reviews or blogs help them make informed decisions so I don't worry about any of that. I do get calls asking my opinion about real concerns like behaviors or a sick kiddo which I am happy to share my expertise. How they are to be raised? Not my job anymore!! What is my role? Unconditional love, it is so much easier. I have only made a few suggestions and offer mostly support. My children have become wonderful, loving parents and also my greatest joy. It doesn't get any better than that!!
29
Excellent Grandparenting 101. I am socking it away for the day in the not too distant future when my son and daughter-in-law will call on me for, what shall I call it...Zayde duty?
7
My kids were born in the last decade - 2005 and 2007. Some of the practices the grandma notes were done by me 10 - 15 years ago, not 30! I didn't have a smart phone and wrote down nursing information. Video monitors were extremely expensive and I didn't know anyone that had one. I felt like a bad mother for not sterilizing everything, merely washing it with hot, soapy water (I win on that one!). Also, my kids were in day care, which are affectionately referred to as "germ incubators."
4
Speaking of how babies manage to live, even thrive, in a variety of conditions, the 2010 documentary Babies really captures this: it follows 4 babies for the first year of their births: one in the USA (San Francisco), one in Japan (Tokyo?), one in Mongolia and the 4th in Namibia. It's like a nature film with human babies as the subject. There are no subtitles and really very little dialogue. As one critic says, the images speak for themselves. Truly not to be missed.
34
The Mongolian baby "won".
11
Fortunately (I think) I'm such an old first grandparent that I had pretty much forgotten what little I knew about babies. I was only 20 when my son was born and I honestly had little idea what I was doing. I was over 60 when granddaughter was born. SO, I definitely adopted a "beginners mind" and I paid close attention to my daughter and son-in-law's knowledge and wisdom. I've learned so much. It always did seem to me, though, that my granddaughter was not especially comfortable sleeping on her back. Naturally I always laid her down to sleep on her back and she eventually slept. BUT as soon as she was old enough to be capable of rolling over she chose tummy sleeping - so much cozier. Now that she's 5 she sleeps on her tummy, rolls up in blankets, etc. Now she has a baby brother, and it is interesting to see how much more relaxed the parents are about germs. With granddaughter, they NEVER put her into a restaurant high chair without using a quilted cover that "protected" her. They used this until she was at least 2 - maybe older. We went to lunch with the family the other day and I noticed that baby brother, who is a mere 8 months, was slipped right into the restaurant high chair with nary a concern. When granddaughter is at my house and food falls on the floor she'll always ask "is it ok to eat it?" I've yet to say no, but I'm assuming at home it's a different story. Lots of fun to read about Paula's experiences, but also those of all the readers.
10
I have a daughter called Emma and watch her two preschoolers on Thursdays! I have an assistant, my husband, a 73 year old guy who never changed the diapers but was very good at signing them up for sports in later years. Dave has not been accredited or approved for solo sitting. For a while he was taking the sitting in "baby sitting" literally, until the 13 month old tested his omnipotence hourly by such hair raising feats as trying to walk down steps unassisted. Dave also had to abandon his adage of never sit when you can lie, because he would fall asleep next to the toddler, a big no no. Tomorrow is Thursday so we are planning our day carefully!
12
My sister and I, number 5 and 6 of six children, both admit to momentary moments of panic when hearing that our mom wouldn't be around and Dad would be watching the children all.by.himself. Not that he wasn't fully capable -- and the kids were all old enough to forage for food if need be-- but we weren't completely certain that he wouldn't forget he had them
12
This is a good antidote to that article on sanitizing your door knobs and your keyboards. This is the most germophobic nation on earth. Plus that article pushed my stress level over the top. I don't need to think about sanitary door knobs, I need to think about living a good life, with germs.
18
My mother-in-law was a SAINT and had the smile-and-nod method perfected.
Foolishly--so, so foolishly--I steamrolled past the few gentle suggestions she rarely offered.
My own mom mostly kept quiet, unless I called in a panic about something. Then she spoke up.
My children are who are they are today (at 18 and 22) in large part because of their fantastic grandparents.
33
This sounds very much like my inlaws and parents -- they were good parents and wonderful grandparents. It was a bit rocky in the beginning as we all navigated the new relationships as parents of the grandchild and grandparents and I know I steamrolled some suggestions and probably hurt feelings as I tried to figure out how to be a mom. I hope we've got a happy balance figured out after 7 years and I cherish the time each week my son spends with my inlaws. I know that he will benefit immensely from the relationships he has with them and my parents because I was lucky enough to have that with my own.
8
Lovely piece. (Too bad about the headline. It would be great if headline writers took a break from putting "fear" into every headline about babies and parenting. It is obnoxious and in many cases, such as this, it doesn't even fit the piece.)
38
Yes, I have found quite a few NYT headlines lately do not really fit the article that follows...just feedback from a grateful, loyal reader.
17
This is very sweet :-)
7
"In fact, nodding and shutting up should probably be your default response to just about everything." This seems like a very practical approach!
23
All very true and a soon to be Gran I have signed up for infant/child CPR and safety at local hospital. I worked in operating rooms and gave CPR professionally--decades ago. It will be interesting to learn what has changed and medicine being medicine I'm guessing at least some things have been updated. Love happily is SOP(standard operating procedure) for babies and that I know I have in abundance from raising my 3 now adult children to anticipating the next generation. Hugs, from gentle to very strong, work, no matter the age, so long as they are size appropriate.
5
You're doing a great job of stepping back and letting your daughter and son in law be in charge. Bartolo is lucky to have you all and it's sweet to read about it.
10
My mother was a questionable mother, but a wonderful grandmother. She let her own kids eat dirt (they need the minerals), eat worm-contaminated cereal (good protein), and push cockroaches out of the house with their feet.
So as a grandma, she never questioned it when I let my children played in mud puddles, run around in the winter without socks, and climb high walls.
Thanks Mom/Grandma, for giving us freedom to explore!
23
I grew up with a mother who often repeated what she claimed was an old Italian saying (she was third generation and half Irish), "You have to eat a peck of dirt before you die." This was not permission to gobble mud pies, but to not freak out when a muddy hand was put in the mouth. And my sisters and I do not have allergies.
24
I wish people would not use not kids' having allergies as proof that they did a good job parenting. We parents of children with allergies shouldn't be implicitly blamed, as the reasoning behind the development of allergies is still being researched. And, as recent NYTimes articles suggest, half of allergies appear in adulthood anyway.
40
My husband, a first generation immigrant, was born in a house with a dirt floor and so, as I imagine, ate a lot of germs while a growing toddler. He somehow developed allergies (the first one in his family) after his parents moved to the U.S. These slowly turned into asthma into his late fifties, until we realized this was all caused by certain foods, as well as food additives, said to “preserve” and prolong shelf life, but in reality are added to DESTROY bacteria. Now that we are a lot wiser about babies occasionally ingesting germy germs, I often wonder how much of the good bacteria in their microbiome we are killing by feeding them industrially prepared foods...
By the way, ever since we have turned to solely homemade food and no milk products, my husband no longer has seasonal allergies or asthma.
8
I grew up on a farm - altho' not until I was about 4, so perhaps the magic didn't work. Allergies developed after I hit my 20's and was living in CT, where at the time, I think there was heavy industrial pollution which settled out in th Connecticut River Valley.
It is always lovely to read articles about pleasant family moments and the comments that share more lovely memories. When so many big events in the world cause anxiety and it seems so many families are in distress from weather events or violence, these stories offer some balance and hope. Many thanks to Paul Span for sharing her grandchild with her readers and to those who commented for sharing their mostly happy memories.
17
People were horrified when our son was old enough to put everything in his mouth and we let him chew on my husband's motorcycle tools. Yes, he usually had a suspiciously greasy ring around his lips, but he got to spend priceless time around Daddy, watching him earn a living and learning new words (admittedly, some of them unprintable).
He grew up big (6'2", 240#) and strong, fathered two kids of his own and is now a grandfather who still loves tools (hopefully, without putting them in his mouth). Helicopter parenting and sterilizing everything within the child's reach is a luxury most humans either can't afford or consider the height of silliness.
Nodding and shutting up is a skill that serves everyone well in most situations. Children grow up in spite of us as much as because of us, and the child-rearing trends of today will become the jokes of tomorrow.
34
Oh my. Greasy tools? That is really going too far.
6
Thank you for this lovely piece. I'm in awe of what wonderful parents my kids have become--but there are times I need to hold back the advice, and this is a good reminder. I look forward to reading future columns.
21
When I was pregnant, my mom and dad drove down the coast to bring the family crib to their first grandchild -- unsafe side mechanism, wide slats, questionable paint and all. I remember how offended my parents were when we told them it was unsafe. I made up for this offense by using the ugly crib bumpers my mom made. Even though I hated them on sight, they're in a box somewhere for the next generation.
12
That's good, because the colors and patterns on the ugly crib bumpers will probably be back in style by then. Or, better yet, will be seen as "vintage."
16
I resonate with so much of the article and comments. We recently spent close to $270 to have our 60yo bassinet (gift from my grandmother to me) accurately tested for lead content in the paint. Of course it would have been cheaper to buy a new bassinet. Baby brain must affect grandmas too! We also had to replace the tea-tree mattress with a firm synthetic one. Can't even use the beautifully embroidered sheets and woollen appliqued blanket that my mum made for my babies. But so appreciative for the advances in knowledge about SIDS prevention that has led to these changes.
2
Crib bumpers are a big no no now. Just throw them away.
2
I recently hosted a party where one couple was frantic sending the husband to a drug store because they had to mix a bottle for the baby using formula but the young mom specifically needed water with fluoride. Wait a minute here, who cares! For one bottle you can't use a normal bottled water?? I had to remind the new mom.."Hello I raised 3 kids! Your kid will have a lifetime of fluoride in NYC tap water. Stop your nonsense! Your kid won't lose its teeth today!"
40
Another round of applause for the "nodding and shutting up" approach. My mother in law embraced it, allowing us to go through our own parenting journey while quietly providing the support and love we desperately needed. Best grandma ever. If I can just manage to pull this off too when it's my turn. Great column!!
88
Perfect article at the perfect time, I leave in one month to stay one week with my daughter and her husband and their first child. I am intent on defaulting to the "smile and nod" when differences occur, this is something my own mother and first two mother-in-laws never did for me. I was made to feel silly, unknowing, and childish when I expressed my thoughts and desires on how to care for my own newborns.
17
Huzzah for a grandma who can actually accept that Times have Changed. It is so hard for older folks to let go of the traditions and procedures that ruled childcare in their day. A grandma who knows the value of keeping her lip buttoned is truly a gift. I know my mom was tormented by her mother in law - family tradition dictated that nobody but the mama touch the baby anywhere but the foot for the first several months! Everybody means well but you have to let the parents parent. Little Bartola sounds like a lucky girl.
34
You nailed it regarding how we were taught to deal with crib and sleeping recommendations. I am still frustrated and confused at times, in what I can ““say, do, how to feed/ give a bath/ change a diaper , etc”. No matter how well intentioned I am, and raised our boys quite well ( my opinion), and may not be perfect, and believe I do a decent job with my grandchildren, their Bubby ( me) still is unclear what exactly/ how exactly I care for the kids. I completely try to respect my children’s wishes, for they are the parents, and it’s their children. Parenting is hard, period. Now , there is more baby paraphernalia, car seat rules, and gadgets for every need. We ( Bubby and Zeidi), are learning parenting 101 again a la 21 st century life. Still grateful we get a lot of time w/ kids and grandkids. No complaints. We are lucky to have this experience.
18
My daughter was born in September, so her first summer at the beach was spent crawling on the sand, stopping every once in a while to take a taste of what was clinging to her fingers. I always say that is why she rarely got sick and doesn't have allergies.
10
A lovely, lovely column. Thank you! Just as wear beige and keep your mouth shut is perfect advice for the mother of the groom, the advice here for grandmas is lovingly given and wise.
Coming to the next phase of grand parenting once the cribs are hauled into the attic is fraught with changes almost too new to imagine! What in the world are "activities"? I discovered they were things like baseball, once done in vacant lots or big backyards; play dates--getting kids together--not just turning them out of a morning and expecting them to find some kids to play with, etc.
Too bad, we think. Where are those carefree days of yore? Bike riding all day, home when the street lights went on.
Now when I wistfully look back, I have learned to actually look at my grandkids, ages 5 and 7. I see two,healthy, happy, creative, loving, articulate kids loved more than life itself. And I know that all is well -- as long as I can schedule in for a play date.
53
Children are extremely resilient. They can be healthy and happy in many environments; however, I things children had a better life when they were free of constant adult supervision so they could run wild in the street and make up their own games and form their own social relationships.
8
I get to be the nanny (granny-nanny) to my wonderful almost-year-old grandchild. I do nod and shut up a lot; I also sometimes do my own thing with my cutie pie. His mother then expresses no manner of delight when she realizes he can actually chew a piece of chicken (which I, of course, had given him weeks before without permission).
That said, my daughter is more of a germaphobe than I am, so I guess we balance it out in baby's life. She wipes his hands a lot; I let him crawl and explore (within reason), never once washing his hands unless they're sticky from playing with his food.
I do insist though that everyone removes his/her shoes before entering my domain as I have insisted all my life. Anybody have any idea how really nasty the bottom of your shoes are? Been in a rest room at a gas station ever? Gross.
Happy grandparenting--the only good reason I can find for living a long life.
21
Doing your own thing with "your" cutie-pie? Giving him chicken to chew on weeks before his mother says (probably with the guidance of her pediatrician) it's OK? Just to prove you know better?
It's time to stop competing with your daughter and undermining her authority as a parent. As soon as cutie-pie is old enough to tell his mother "but granny lets me do that all the time" you may suddenly find he has a real nanny who respects his mother's parenting wishes. (Unless, of course, they can't afford real professional child care and you're holding that over their heads to get your own way, in which case there's a whole other dynamic to discuss.)
66
Oh, for heaven's sake! Lighten up! There is a simple answer to "Granny lets me do that all the time." It is: "And I am not Granny." You don't need to go looking for nefarious reasons everywhere (competing, undermining, etc.) and you don't need to be so heavy-handed and controlling. My own mother was a mean, selfish, cold grandmother who was totally uninterested in her grandchildren and never once offered to watch them. I would have been very grateful if she had any kind of a relationship of her own with them at all.
6
I'll leave the germy floor to others and yes, the nod-and-shut-up may be the best grandparenting advice ever. (Also best advice for mothers-in-law in general.)
But the video baby monitor thing: I worry, a lot, about training young parents to spy on their children. I'd put a video monitor aimed at an outdoor pool in a heartbeat, mind you, but the notion that children should be surveilled makes my skin crawl. There's really no reason to use a video monitor on a baby. What's next? On their play area when they're with friends (and old enough not to need an adult in the room.) On their bedroom during sleepovers? Kids should have an expectation of privacy.
30
Hear your skepticism, but would add that a video monitor can be very useful to parents who are sleep training their children. I would hate to see video monitors thought of as proof of helicoptering when it's about helping to know when your kiddo actually fell asleep or is just playing in his or her crib. Also, the fear of SIDS is real, which likely accounts for many uses other than sleep training.
5
About a year ago there was an article about how some parents just NEVER stop the surveillance. When the kids are babies, they feel it's a safety issue. When the kids get a little bigger, they think it's cute to watch them. When the kids get much bigger (and IMHO entitled to privacy) they want to know what's up. My 5 y.o. granddaughter still has a video monitor on her and I cannot help but wonder when she will complain. She does know; she doesn't seem to care.
11
The incidence of SIDS is real and the video is reassuring. Keeping kids safe is always a huge concern for parents, maybe too much so but very real.
Yes, all good advice, nodding and smiling. I recall that first meeting of my fabulous wonderful grandson in the hospital being much like that described by the author here, except that when I automatically went into the "baby dance" jiggling mode {"When she started to fuss a bit, I shifted without thinking into that jiggly rocking motion that somehow comforts infants, and she quieted.") the nurse told me not to, and mentioned shaken baby syndrome. Apparently, for a newborn, that "baby dance" jiggle is dangerous. So I learned right off the bat that things were different, although the same.
11
When my mother brought me home from the hospital, she was told to boil any water she gave me, which she did for months. At a doctor's visit she finally asked how long she should keep this up, and he expressed surprise she was still doing it. He told her he had stopped doing it when they discovered the baby drinking from the dog dish.
91
You sound like a great Mum and Bubbe. Well done.
11
Ah, yes, nodding and shutting up. A skill I learned quickly, especially given my granddaughter was brought to me courtesy of my son. I, too, found that the parenting skills came back (just like riding a bike). My favorite part of my world now, that little girl. Love hearing about yours!
15
"What I felt when I first met my granddaughter, hours old and sleeping off the rigors of birth, was a bit different: familiarity. Cradling her, instinctively supporting her wobbly neck, I thought, Oh, right. I remember this."
I so relate to this. I'm not a grandparent, and in fact my daughter is in her late 40s and parenting is not in the cards for her, but that familiar sense memory of her snuggled against me as a baby is so clear to this day. What a lovely article. Keep 'em coming.
21
Ah yes, "nodding and shutting up"--it's wise advice.
46
We are due to become grandparents in three weeks (not that we're counting) and I can't get enough of these columns. Could The Times run these more often? This one, in particular, resonates. We wanted to hand down the crib where our babies slept peacefully 25 to 39 years ago to our son and his wife, only to find out that it's unsafe for today's infants, according to federal crib safety standards issued in 2011.
20
As a nurse in the maternity field and a grandmother much has changed. You'll also find there is a gadget for everything including a bottle warmer and too many rocking machines to count. Parents are reading reviews on all these items and wanting feedback on what works best. Safety recommendations are the most important to know and your children will be taught these or learn from other parents. Don't worry too much about keeping up with all the changes. Your job now is just to love them as much as humanly possible. Not a bad gig!!
Excellent article! Reporting like this is why I keep my subscription to the Times.
8
Years ago a nursing mother would put a safety pin on her bra to let her know which side to begin nursing on the next time.
59
yes, a diaper pin. relic of another time
16
Actually I was given this advice as recently as 2015! But I wasn't organized enough to find a safety pin most of the time so I would just transfer a hair tie from one wrist to the other.
9
Often, with grandbabies, I found myself looking for a diaper or diaper pin...not for their bottoms. Both of these objects were handy, multipurpose "tools."
5
What a lovely article - bravo for being so open and enthusiastic about "new" ways of doing it. And I love your nickname for your grandaughter. Our toddler's favorite song is called "Bartolito" -- search for it on google video. It's a delightful Spanish song about a little rooster.
15
I can only hope that the new parents will have learned from the parents before them to not be helicopter parents as well. This is just as bad as sterilizing their baby's environment and not allowing their immune system to become strong. Parents need to teach the children to become fully functioning adults rather than trying to assist them in everything without letting them learn for themselves, and yes, sometimes fail.
42
I'll stick with cleaning my babies' bottles well, thank you. Hope that's not too coddling for you!
6
My grandmother and others of her generation (and many before) always insisted that babies be placed on their backs in their cribs. In the 70's and 80's, pediatricians began telling parents to place the babies on their tummies to prevent choke. Then they realized that this position was dangerous because very young infants don't have enough strength to push themselves up or rollover, which increased the risk of smothering. So they scolded new parents, telling them to never place an infant face-down in their cribs--just like grandma.
18
Even infants a few days old put down on their tummies can migrate across the crib to get their heads against the side or jammed into a corner...which they like for some reason. Bumpers can tangle them...I noticed my kid doing this 35 yrs ago and adjusted. The first week, we washed her Nook, then after a lot of that, just rinsed it and plugged it back in....saying "More antibodies."
7
"In fact, nodding and shutting up should probably be your default response to just about everything."
This is pretty good advice for just about all of us in just about all situations. If only more of us, and I'm particularly thinking of myself here, would heed it there would be a lot less noise in the world and lot more understanding.
141
Another wonderful column from an amazing Bubbe!
15
Keep plastics out of their mouths.....that is my Abuela advice.
We used driftwood toys rather than pacifiers. I am being sincere, not jesting.
We have seen BPA and the like as the enemy of normal puberty and have avoided it. Of course living on an organic farm helps with the immunity but even my NY grandkids avoid plastics in the mouth.
30
"You’d have thought we were going to plop her down on a subway platform." Ha! My kids plunk themselves down on subway platforms all the time. Strangers sometimes inform me that people have urinated there, to which I say ... city kids. What can you do.
49
Aww, very sweet! Thanks for sharing your experiences!
12