Any plans to publish this in your Spanish edition? The woman I plan not to marry doesn’t read English but I think she’ll love it, and I couldn’t read it to her without cracking up or battling tears. You’ll do a great AP service if so.
16
My childless marriage lasted 4 years. And that was only because the divorce took 2 years to complete. My childless nonmarried relationship has lasted 36 years. So yeah, I know what I am missing and would prefer to keep missing it, thank you very much.
25
My daughter has been happily “not married” for 27 years. I have two grandchildren. My only problem has been seeking a correct and comfortable way of addressing this man in my terms. My Putative son-in-law? My Virtual son-in-law? What I am after is a descriptor that begins with the possessive pronoun “my” because all other descriptions tag him as my daughter’s something (Partner? Special friend? Possession? Language is complicated for the rest of the family, if not for the couple.
11
In some states, you'd be legally married because you have been living together long enough. I believe it's called "common law marriage."
8
Here's what can go wrong...
When my youngish, fit, vegetarian 'husband' of 18 years, Michael died suddenly...it was even more horrifying because we weren't married.
Although together everyday, we had separate residences. When Michael didn't come one evening, I called him. When he didn't answer...I knew...I just knew...we were each other's heartbeat... I called the police, the ambulance, but nobody would do anything bc we weren't married... finally police called his sister in another town the next day and went in with her. Standing outside, I was able to kiss his cheek as the men wheeled him by, dead. I never saw him again. His sister & family wouldn't tell me where they had taken Michael! When I called around, wanting to find & sit with him, stroke his hair, talk to him...the crematorium said I couldn't, I wasn't family...
Everything was taken...his family took over.. the worst was his hundreds of hours of recorded music and songs...like a daily diary, he also recorded conversation with me and verbal snapshots of our lives and love before and after whatever song he was working on. Many of his compositions were love songs...his family took everything... Michael had a beautiful voice and played guitar, and was always singing...it was sheer heaven... silence descended upon me.
Michael's father had also died suddenly, youngish, nobody knew why until Michael died of HCM...an inherited heart condition that can fell those seemingly healthy and fit.
66
I suppose everyone has an opinion on this. Here's mine. I never wanted to be married. I met my husband when I was 23. My husband said to think on it as a commitment made in public. I still wanted to be with him but didn't want to be married. Then my mother said, I see he WON'T marry you so I went ahead. We are still happy after 47 years but somehow I still resent parental pressure to over ride my 'principals'
5
It is striking that in the article and in the top rated comments, there is no mention of children.
The perspective is all Me. Me. Me.
Children generally fare better when their parents are married.
BTW, people also tend to live longer and happier lives when married.
12
My now-wife and I had been together 31 years, had owned two houses and a vacation home, several cars, coparented an adopted daughter, and had no legal relationship to each other. When I had cancer, I would shake in terror not that I was going to die but that if I did my daughter would literally have no legal parent, and if I could not work due to the illness, my partner could not cover me (or "my" daughter) under her employer's health insurance plan. When we had been together 31 years, The Supreme Court of the United States finally allowed us to get married. We were so stunned that it took us two more years to make the decision. We got married in a courtroom on what was otherwise a horrible day, January 20, 2017, after 33 years of partnership. We both cried through the whole ceremony and the family and friends present with us cried too. Our stoic college-age daughter had tears rolling down her face. I now have a wife. You bet it makes a difference.
46
I used to feel the same way.
We were together for 18 years and then he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We planned a small wedding ceremony just a few weeks later. He passed away two years after that, and now I wonder why we waited so long.
21
I was married once. We lived together for two years and then, bending to convention, got officially married. It turned out to be a disaster and the divorce after seven years together was the most devastating experience of my life. Now I am entering my 32nd year of living with my son's father. I feel more married than when I had a marriage license. I refer to him as my husband because that is simple and easy for everyone to understand. He does not refer to me as his wife but as his honey. I wear a diamond on my left hand that I inherited from his mother. He does not like jewelry so he wears none. We did register as domestic partners so he could be covered by my employer's health insurance plan. We have wills, health care trusts and other legal inheritance documents that spell out what we want to do financially when either of us dies. Sometimes I think we should marry before we get really old just to simplify end of life matters. At other times I figure, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I enjoyed reading Ms. Zevin's article as well as the comments it provoked. Love is grand whether or not you are married. The good times are better because you have someone to celebrate them with you; the bad times are easier to bear because you have help to carry the burden.
28
The author takes for granted a right that my wife and were denied through the birth of two children. I had no legal rights when my wife had an emergency C-section giving birth to my biological child. The nurse called my wife's mother as "next-of-kin". When that child was hospitalized as a toddler I was denied access to her. Hopefully the author and her partner will be hearty elders who never have a medical issue and die simultaneously in their sleep at age 100. Best of luck.
25
It will be 36 years for me and my consort this year at Christmas. And I think the author is right about choosing each other daily. In a sense, we are still courting. It helps keep us from taking each other for granted so much, we retain a personal autonomy I don't observe in my married acquaintances, and we just seem to appreciate each other more.
I don't recommend it if people have children. And society doesn't make it easy, especially as we age. But skipping the contract sure has worked for me.
12
Thank you Ms. Zevin, for your personal take on commitment. Some of what you fear in making your relationship legal in marriage, sounds downright superstitious. I personally have little time for such thoughts and have little time for religious dogma and rituals.
The consequences of not being married played out to me recently when one of two of my friends, a couple, died of cancer. There was a will in place, but it was viciously contested with a dozen or more law suits from a family member of the deceased. The result is I see a friend who is devastated by loss and emotionally and financially debilitated by a legal attack that is cruel and heartless.
After witnessing this, I now believe I would be inclined to consider the confirmation of rights that marriage provides if I had the situation to consider.
There are many ways to show love - but caring for one another when something unexpected happens is something you have to have the right to do, legally. We never know what the future will bring - but good and bad and a lot in between will fill a marriage, just as it will a relationship without marriage.
Best wishes to you and Hans...
17
I have three sisters who have had very long-standing relationships but never married or had children. Why, I have no idea. Our mother, while alive, called their partners her common law sons-in-law. My husband thinks of them as brothers-in-law. Our children were probably a bit confused while growing up, but now just shrug. They are every bit as married as my husband and me, and for almost as many years.
Their lives are no different than ours. They experience the same ups and downs. Though they have no legal contract, they have an emotional contract.
The biggest concern is the legal ramifications in times of sickness and death. For that reason, and especially since we are all in the last quarter of our lives, it might be wise to "put a ring on it." Although nobody seems to be moving in that direction. So be it.
20
They can make legal arrangements without getting married. It's more complicated, but doable.
But that's their decision to make, not yours. It sounds like it's time for you to make peace with the fact that your siblings have different priorities than you do. Worrying about what difficulties they may face won't accomplish anything but make you worry all the more.
5
You are exactly right. It's their decision to make, not mine.
6
No matter how much you think you know someone, you don't know them at all, lest yourself, which is why I personally would never consider marriage. I've come to the conclusion the elderly widowers have absolutely mastered relationships. It's all about companionship and nothing more. Not being alone after the loss of their spouses. No need and or desire to remarry, define or label it.
4
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
7
Newsflash. Making a daily choice is exactly how people stay married. This article is a perfect example of using a false narrative as rationalization to confirm ones own bias.
29
You sound happy and content and in love with a good person. I wish you both another 20 years together. Thank you for sharing.
5
I have been in a relationship for the past 14 years. I got in with the intent of a marriage someday. Someday has not happen. I am in a constant debate about it with my partner. The relationship has had its trial period of ups and downs, but has been stagnant when it comes to marriage. Each time I approach the subject it becomes a battle.
My partner was fully aware that I was interested in marriage the second year into dating and he shared the same views. So, I have made it my mission to torture him until he does. It is not fair that he has lead me on for so many years and do not think there will consequences. Yes, I could have left the relationship a long time ago, but it has been good.
Unfortunately, "the secret to marriage is never getting married", is not a solution for me.
5
Why would you want to marry someone who isn't against the idea of marriage, but does not want to marry you?
It's not a matter of fairness. This sounds like a battle for control, and the one you're torturing most is yourself.
19
Honestly, let this one go. No matter the years, the fun, the love. He is not your husband. You want to be in a marriage, you want to be Mrs.....You want a house and home with your wonderful husband. He is out there and no matter your age, etc. you will find him. Be grateful you have what you had with this man, a wonderful love and a wonderful memory but stop bothering him about it, you are wasting your time and creating negativity. Go out and get what you want and do not be afraid to be alone in the meantime.
21
Don't get it! Most couples wake up and say the same thing except for the unhappy ones. Silly. PC.
4
I'm confused what the boyfriend's credit score had to do with anything. It's not like your scores merge together upon marriage.
Seems like it was a convenient excuse for him not to propose.
8
Just a brilliant little piece, both touching and hilarious. Thank you Ms. Zevin.
(marital status withheld by submitter)
2
In general, married or just living together doesn't much matter. It's a commitment. When society, as in the law, gets its nasty foot in the door than all hell breaks loose. Taxes, for sure. If one of you wind up in the hospital, better have all the legalities worked out ahead of time because you might not even be able to visit your 'significant other'
2
Oh boy. It’s 2017. Float whatever boat makes you happy! Sometimes these columns are such navel gazing ego trips — news flash: marital (non-marital) status isn’t a red badge of courage. Glad to know the author and Hans are living their dream, but honestly, who cares if the author believes in marriage? The most important thing for a long-term committed couple is a clear legal arrangement so that whatever your situation is you can care for each other without outside interference.
17
The Secret to Life is matching your expectations to your surroundings then your choices become your achievements.
Glad it works for you, Gabrielle.
4
Overthinking. Stay with him or don't, marriage doesn't Isn't what builds the life together. But when the system punishes you for not being married--when you can't make the decisions about life-support or can't inherit or whatever--it's just overindulgent hubris to think the piece of paper is anything more meaningful OR more unnecessary than a driver's license. A passport doesn't make you more or less a citizen...but if you can't travel without it, pointless philosophizing Isn't a better option than just getting the document.
11
The secret to successful marriage is to not get married, yes! But to live in the same home...and to share the home with young children: SECRET. Separate bedrooms. Each adult has a private bathroom. Private bedroom. Have frequent “dates.” When children are over 18, buy separate homes...0.5 miles apart. Each spouse decorates the home to her/his taste. One can live in an urban area. The other can live in a suburban or rural setting. For some people...one partner for ages 20-45. And then a different partner for 45/infinity. I had a dream to marry in my late 20’s have 2 Chiron in my mid-thirties and grow old together. Lifetime soul mates. Didn’t happen. But at age 74, having separate homes while sharing many interests is paradise. No more compromise while buying a sofa or painting for the entry of a shared home. Joy beyond joy!!!
21
whatever your relationship to the law or a church, your credit rating or career crunches it is or should be no more complicated than "you have to choose each other every day"...at once a vow and a renewal.
3
I got married in 1959, I was 22 (naive and like today's 10 year old). Had 2 kids by the time I was 25. I thought my life was over. He was the wrong choice, but divorce was not on the table. I came from an abusive home, no support system. Never lived on my own. Never knew anyone who was divorced. It was a taboo, shameful. I spent the next 23 years in an unhappy marriage, with a narcissistic husband and 2 kids like him. Took me a long, long time to figure things out, but "better late than never" is my mantra. I just turned 81 and happier than ever!
19
Sad, really, reading this, my wife is my love, my life, my partner, my best friend, and yes, my sole mate. I have no doubts about my priorities and live every day to be a good life partner and don’t fear my promise. I work to be better, not to worry about ending. Life is hard and short, as you get older you understand what is real, if you are paying attention. If you only marry to see “how long we can go” don’t. Sure, it is not perfect every day, but it is much better then the alternative for 33 plus years. We really are a great team, and I have gotten so much more then help at customs (you are kidding, right?) So, get real, stop making excuses and decide what’s important. And yes, a statement of that love is a promise and true grace. Btw, all people should marry who they love independent of sexual preference. Love is two souls.
7
Unfortunately there are so many women just looking for the financial parachute a guy has to wonder. A young woman's life is, thanks to our culture, all about looks and as life has become easier for all of us, that is, no slaughtering chickens over a dirt floor-nor scrubbing clothes by hand-their major concern is living well. Look at the yoga and massage boom, etc,etc… They want the easy life and the Range Rover. Look on Match .com and see what they are looking for. Travel, at your expense, nights out. Not one has any mention of intellectual thought. They have been to into themselves, "improving the look but not the mind", staring in the mirror. There is a void out there.
5
True but lots of men with means are looking for exactly that, the trophy wife, the beautiful woman with a gorgeous body so there is a match in this.
14
People who aren't married but have chosen to live together for many years are kidding themselves if they think that splitting up is any less complicated and painful for them as it is for married couples. The pain of loss, the disappointment, the need to accommodate to a single's life, and the complications entailed in splitting mutually acquired property are just as hard for them as they are for married couples. And if they are children in the picture!! The writer is fooling herself, and others who think that the marriage license is the problem.
9
The author avoids the most important aspect of a legally committed partnership: children. Neither she nor her significant other have children. They have dogs. And because they do not have children together, their "constant" ends with death, for they have no progeny to carry on their dna. The other thing about legal marriage you don't have to "choose each other every day." You are free to be bored with each other, angry with each other, stick around and let the moment pass and rediscover each other, because you are still there.
9
For some of us, passing on our genes is not a good or realistic goal. Is a marriage between people who can't have children less meaningful in your eyes? If so, then you need to broaden your worldview. There's more to life and marriage than producing children, though I realize that for many people, it is the most meaningful thing they do, and I admire people who are good parents!
9
It seems the author suggests legal ties harm a relationship and that married couples no longer have to work to love one another, because they have made the BIG commitment in front of the state [and church for some]. Then, because of this absence of attention, the relationship withers. This is extremely reductive, and it falls into the same trap set by those who question the author's relationship.
A cohabitation ties partners together in many of the same ways as legally married couples; a longterm relationship that dies will die the same way for both the longterm cohabitating couple and the longterm married couple if their is not a daily commitment to the other person.
For those who do grow old, perhaps having children, with their partner, they should consider the end-of-life ramifications this might have, legally. There is no secret to wills, hospitable visitation, and other messy matters that will occur.
1
Many married people DO start taking each other for granted, and stop courting each other. I wonder if it's true that long-time unmarried cohabitators are less likely to do so, though. Perhaps many of them commit the same mistake, and end up splitting up once the kids have flown the nest, just as many married couples do.
3
Shortly after getting married, I was in a new doctor's office, filling out the requisite forms. There were two boxes in which to put an "x." One said "Miss" and the other said, "Ms." I crossed both of them out and wrote "Mrs." I like it when I walk out of the elevator and the doorman adresses me as "Mrs." Maybe it's because I married later in life, but taking my husband's last name felt good to me. It felt like I was leaving my family of origin and starting a new family unit. And, it's lovely, when my husband puts his arm around my shoulders and introduces me saying, "This is my wife, Kathryn." I know it's not as fashionable, but I don't think these actions or feelings make me less of a feminist. And, I have to imagine that standing up in public, whether it's before a magistrate or a crowd of 200, pledging one's troth, makes many people feel more seriously committed. Yes, of course, there's divorce. But, when my husband and I argue, in the back of my mind I think, "We're going to work this out because nobody's going anywhere." Everyone gets to do what makes them feel comfortable, but I cast my vote for the institution of marriage!
11
It's been my observation that marriage is another of those things that relates deeply to personal temperament. There are people for whom being formally married will assist one or both parties in staying with the project -- not just the romance or the friendship but the whole commitment to the connection, the home, the children, the long-term interrelation of their families of origin and their shared friends. Then there are people for whom formal marriage is something chafe against. For people in the latter group, a formal marriage will likely erode the relationship; for people in the former, it can safeguard and deepen it.
9
In all the "usual suspects" arguments here, both pro and anti marriage, I haven't yet seen anyone mention spousal privilege as a pro. In most states spouses can confide in one another their deepest darkest secrets, whether illegal or just aberrant, without fear of reprisal. Spouses cannot generally be compelled to testify against one another.
That guarantee of intimacy purposefully given by the government goes deeper than what cohabitation can guarantee. A live-in partner can still be compelled to testify, or be thrown in jail for contempt of court. Is that what you'd want for a life partner?
We are incentivized by the government to marry because, statistically speaking, married couples raise more stable, productive children. It is government investment in a more stable and productive future for the country.
4
Generally if you are with someone who NEEDS the spousal privilege I would say find a new partner. Lol
13
Hilarious!
1
My husband and I lived together for eight years. I am a professional; so was he. We never were unhappy with each other though quite different in vocations and our passions. We loved the differences; they were areas to unfold for each. So, why did when we marry at 69 and 71? The legality of marriage is exceptional. We had legal wills drawn, powers of attorney, medical directives. Our parents lived long lives; we expected to also. But 16 months after our marriage, he, out of the blue, was diagnosed with a gliablastoma multiforme brain tumor, a death warrant. I cared for him at home with hospice help without interference because we were legally married. I sold a car, two boats and trailers, a gun collection all because I had the legal authority to do so. We made final decisions together legally. I made medical decisions he could not. He died June 17. I shudder to think what an untenable situation we would have had, if not for the legal bond. Often during the care, he told me "I don't know what I would do without you." Without my care and steadfast refusal to place him where he did not want to be, his children from a former marriage would have placed him in an institution where he would have died of heartbreak. We loved each other dearly--we married because we wanted the legal bond, but we also married to protect each other and to assure that no family member interfered with our bond.
37
"we also married to protect each other and to assure that no family member interfered with our bond"
... as family members have been known to do, in ways big and small, regardless of the consequences. I am so glad you had the strength and will to care for your husband in the way that you both wanted as your last great act of love. Unfortunately, many a novel could be written about the actions, whether blithe or willful, of intrusive relatives who try to undermine the marital bonds of another. But I think karma is always at work and their reckoning will arrive, even if as more of the same unhappiness that lead them to violate those relationship boundaries is the first place, as such people are damaged and unhappy already. I applaud you for protecting your love, literally and figuratively, as is sometimes necessary. That you did so while grieving as a caregiver to your husband is an inspiration to those who may have to navigate such a complicated scenario in the service of caring for their loved ones.
4
" We had legal wills drawn, powers of attorney, medical directives." My domestic partner and I have all of these without being married. But thank you for sharing your story - you made other points that are worth considering. And my sympathy to you in the loss of your husband.
4
@ Harris - Thank you for sharing your beautifully written story and I am so sorry for your loss. I have worked in multiple hospitals and I see the story you are describing (between you and your late husband) all the time. For myself, I am not a big advocate of marriage but from my work I know the legal protection is so important. No one wants to talk about illness and death until it's too late. Fortunately, you and your partner worked it out before it got to that point. Your story emphasizes how important it is.
6
We lived together for almost 7 years and now we've been sweetly married for 30 years. We don't think weddings have ANYTHING to do with marriage.
It's all about what the couple feels between themselves and NOTHING else. I salute and respect your choice. Thank you for sharing your authentic history.
More lovers should listen to what their blood whispers to them.
6
In my mid-20s, I realized I had no interest in marriage. This epiphany came after observing sisters and friends who had taken the plunge and come up diminished. Husbands controlled finances and otherwise restricted freedoms and possibilities. The term "my wife" implies possession far more than "my husband" does. And while women have supposedly become liberated from the old ways, many of them still, sometimes desperately, seek husbands above all else. "Marriage" means different things to different people, but it is primarily a social convention - very important to most, but unimportant to some. Live and let live.
7
Your sisters and friends chose badly, unfortunately. My husband doesn't control our finances, and I have my own income and credit. We lived together and owned real estate together before we were married, and the wedding changed little about our financial practices.
3
Several years ago, the Times ran an article from someone who pleaded the case that people SHOULD get married, arguing primarily on the legal protections accrued to couples. The article was based on the author's mother's tragic issues around her dying lover and his family (as I recall). In the interests of fair balance, and the young people who may be reading this, the Times should run that column.
7
Bravo! My wife and i just celebrated being married for 30 years, and still I’m not George Clooney. That’s only been funny to us for a very long time.
4
It's quite a refreshing story. Honestly, I would like to do this, not get married. To be able to have the choice and than chose everyday to be with the same person.
6
Don't change a thing. You're good.
While it is true that having a ceremony and a license, perhaps even a shared surname, "feels like something has changed in a significant way," the large number of formal dissolutions, less formal separations, amicable estrangements, unapologetic infidelities & even discreet alienation within an outwardly unperturbed family unit provide incontrovertible evidence of the fact that in a substantial proportion of legally recognized marriages at least one party sooner or later changes their mind. People come together & stay together for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes, the perfect couple, who were in some sense 'made for each other' in cosmic terms, never even get past the handshake.
Enjoy what you have, since you both cherish each other. Just make sure you both have formal wills drawn up by a good lawyer, or perhaps travel with a power of attorney document naming the other person as spouse or trusted executor, in the event of an emergency.
All sincere Love comes from God, and is a blessing.
4
Marriage is a legal contract. Because of various federal and state policies it has some practical value, perhaps especially if you want to have children. But after 25 happy years sharing an apartment, three meals a day, pretty much all our thoughts and feelings, and constructive emotional and practical support, my partner and I feel no need for legal coercion to perpetuate our daily pleasure.
1
Hey, whatever floats your boat. I'm married 20 years to someone I've known for 44 years and who said "I don't!" the first time I asked her 41 years ago.
That makes our marriage all that more meaningful to me. We made a legal and spiritual commitment to each other in 1997 and I feel the bond is even stronger now.
If the author is happy with her non-marriage, she shouldn't feel obligated to explain it to anyone. This essay is written as if she feels some guilt about not having a marriage license. At this point, what does it matter? And how would having a simple civil ceremony really change anything in the relationship after 21 years?
3
She probably feels that way because people make her feel like she needs to apologize.
I've been with the same partner for nearly a decade. People ask me constantly why I don't nag him to get married. "Don't you want a fancy ceremony?" "If you get married, you can stop working and take half of his money." "It's selfish of you not to get married and deprive your friends of a big party." "If he really loved you, he'd put a ring on it." Marriage is deeply engrained in our culture, and people look suspiciously on those who buck that trend.
5
A friend forwarded this article to me. Like the author, I am 20 years into a relationship I cherish; I am not married.
When friends say ‘you are basically married’ or ‘what’s the difference after so many years?’ I clarify. There are differences.
- We don’t combine our finances (although I’ve met married couples who don’t either)
- We don’t have children
- We have no anniversary date, nor marriage paperwork that provides benefits of inheritance, legal and medical representation
We get around some of the hurdles. (There are papers signed, like medical proxies and financial beneficiary statements.) Our parents, friends, family, accountants/financial advisors bring up the many marriage benefits brought by people commenting on this article. We know them but still don’t feel the lure of marriage.
If I had to pinpoint one reason I think I pick the facts that we are both fiercely independent and that so far, this relationship has worked out great for us. We have some benefits of successful marriages held in contemporary high esteem: feeling safe, secure, and supported. My boyfriend has for decades been the most-often-there witness and biggest supporter of my daily life and the goals I pursue. This relationship is one of the best decisions of my life.
Some relationships (married or not!) work great; others fail, or finish. I appreciated the author showing that there exist authentic, nonmarriage successful alternatives. We are out there, and genuinely happy.
10
She says she knows the accountant is right about marrying, but she does not "like the math." She says that if they marry, and start the number of years over at "1," the previous 21 years will not count; will not exist. Well, no... Just as she is unmarried but "married,"she could get married and, when asked, say truthfully they have been together 21 years and more. The math is not the issue.
The piece reads as if she wants to get married at some level, but is conflicted at another. The conflict may arise, in part, from her stereotype of marriage as not being an ongoing choice. But, it often--though, not always--is. Yes, some couples may go through years on cruise control or come to take the spouse and relationship for granted. Marriage certainly has its ups and downs, dry spells, crises. But staying in a marriage or leaving one are certainly choices.
This is a lovely piece in that her love for Hans shines through. Marriage is not necessary for her continuing to love. But the piece is also a bit sad because she MAY be holding back from marrying, not because she wants to hold back, but because she is afraid that marrying would invalidate the years that came before. But that will only happen if she and Hans let it.
11
To those of us with a Biblical worldview, marriage is God's design and plan. If you have another basis for your belief system this may sound like utter nonsense, but to those of us whose beliefs are Biblically based, it makes perfect sense.
35
Then follow the teachings of the bible, are you then to slay the non-believers, as long as religion exists, ,men will suffer. It is a fairy tale.
22
Roughly 1/7 of long-term pairings are truly soul-connections like the ones in this article and many comments. Roughly 3/7 end in a split-up. That leaves 3/7 that dwell in a sort of half-happy, half-sad purgatory for decades, feeling bound by duty or by the unwillingness to do harm.
Whether you call it marriage or not, we get together for a live-in partnership, sometimes have kids, and a minority of us are fortunate enough to do so in a state where most of it is joy. By far the majority of us end these partnerships, or put up with them, never feeling truly fulfilled, until we die.
It would be much better to follow this couple’s advice for most of us, choosing each other every day if we can, or moving on if we can, without judgment or stigma either way.
6
It's easier to give up if you're not married. I was in a relationship and my partner wanted to get married - I hesitated. 5 years later (after 10 years) we had a big fight and broke up. If it hadn't been so easy to walk away (no family or real possessions together, no paperwork required) I think we have worked through it. And I'm sorry we didn't.
6
Because when the law doesn’t bind you as a couple, you have to choose each other every day. And maybe the act of choosing changes a relationship for the better. - I think this is the rationale behind most successful relationships, whether married or not.
10
I have been married over 40 years. For various reasons, I needed that documentation. But in all this time, over and over and over, I have never been asked to produce the actual document; just saying 'we're married' seems to work; try it, you and your accountant might like it
7
Love this article! I total agree w/ the author's point on choosing her partner every day. I feel that many people simply view getting married, as opposed to being happy, as a goal. Of course, this has dire long-term implications, as many are likely to change once they have achieved their goal of getting married. For some, this means less incentive to be a good spouse (i.e. less sex, cooking, etc.).
7
Wow, that was a great piece. You have a wonderful relationship!!!
4
What a lovely piece. I think society puts too much value on the cart of marriage before the horse of true love.
4
It’s no one’s business whether you are or are not married. Or whether you have or do not have children. Or if you are or are not gay. Etc.
8
Someone has to mention family law. If non-married spouses separate (or one dies) the financial impact could be grossly inequitable. Non-married spouses should educate themselves about this and consider their situation carefully. Things can change, unexpectedly, and the financial arrangements during the relationship might greatly favor one spouse. This varies by jurisdiction but almost always differs from rights upon separation when married.
70
Case in point-women are looking for the money, money money… and we wonder why fewer are marrying, the cat is out of the bag.
This comment mentioned nothing about gender. Only a sexist would make the leap you did.
20
I'm fascinated by the amount of people who take offense. Marriage has only relatively recently taken on romantic connotations -- lest we forget that marriage used the be a trade of the daughter for a dowry, what we know to be love existed prior to marriage and often despite marriage. While it's true that, in America and many other countries, benefits are extended to married couples that aren't extended to domestic partners, the author seems to be less preoccupied with the economic practically as she is with the elements that make her relationship with Hans meaningful, one of those being "choosing to be there day after day" (sorry I paraphrased). I'm romantically inclined to agree with her on this point. The article (as other commenters have noted) is not representative of every modern couple, but it nonetheless calls into question marriage-as-necessary-proof-of-your-commitment.
100
My nephew at 6 said one day on a train platform: "I know you are married." I said, "Yes, privately. We're privately married."
Because of the laws in Europe, we might marry in old age to be able to care for one another better (with fewer questions asked), but given that marriage is a holdover from women-as-property, I'm happy not to be a part of it. It's a WASP bias, but why shouldn't everyone seek to be and stay financially independent?
In the author's relationship, Hans was exploited and responded in a gentlemanly way, but to me it's no wonder a woman wouldn't want to be legally connected to that family.
5
WASP bias? Haha. Marriage is everywhere... Being financially secure (not the same as independent?) is all good, but the question you pose is a rhetorical straw man. Ideally marriage is about many things. Not being "independent" would be one, I guess. :)
4
The author seems sweet but strangely oblivious for someone past their 20s. Dependent kids benefit for stable married households. Sick and elderly parents (and other kin) benefit from the legal powers marriage gives to spouses. The "institution of marriage" (which always makes me think of that sassy paraphrased remark by Mae West) provides shelter and many benefits for a family. And it's essential if you want to marry someone from another country and not just share a suitcase on a trip overseas but a whole life together.
It's not just about you. Wouldn't it be lonely if it were?
It's not just about each day. But the ones you don't know yet.
18
If you are paraphrasing Mae West, you may be of a certain age. Dependent kids benefit from stable households, being married does not make them stable. Commitment makes stable households. The institution of marriage does not provide shelter, a house, that I own myself, provides me shelter. And at this point in my life, divorced, retired, happy it is all about me. I am now with a man that I was always supposed to be with, like puzzle pieces, different but we fit. We love each other, period, end of story. Marriage, there is no need for us. We are on the same page about this.
6
Agree, sweet but oblivious seems to be an accurate summary. Also the author seems to have too much free time; else why write an article basically rationalizing your lifestyle choice. Nobody cares, just live your life.
Unmarried living together without benefit of clergy. So last century. I haven't seen my wife but half dozen times in the last 5 years and we are still madly in love. Married living separately without benefit of lawyer. So this century.
3
Married people choose each other every day as well. Like most of us, this woman appears to know a lot about her own life, and very little about anyone else’s.
85
she wrote that "married people probably feel the same" this is not about you
19
Choosing every day just sounds stressful. I would rather be married and be there everyday.
6
Sw...its a metaphor. You know for being present...being conscious everyday. Try it.
5
A couple I know wear wedding rings and refer to each other as husband and wife, even though they're not married. They were both (really) married to other people once before, and have been together for 20 years or so.They find it easier to introduce each other as man and wife.
Thoughts on this?
6
it's because society values those who are not married differently. As a person who has been in a 13 year relationship without getting the government involved, I have experienced it too many times that people look down on my relationship, treat it less serious. This is infuriating, especially when it comes from people who have been married for just a few years.
14
I was married for almost 30 years. I don't think that a marriage certificate (or lack thereof ) contributed to the dissolution of our marriage. It was his having an affair outside of our marriage. No piece of paper -- nor lack of paper -- could have saved our marriage.
9
Makes sense to me! Everyday is a renewal to your commitment and you're not bound by a government of church contract. It was my ideal in the 70's but somehow I got old and married.
2
I think the author has a really shallow, transactional, understanding of what a marriage is. It is not only a partnership, that is way too narrow. It is not lust or passion, it is love derived of commitment. It would be foolish to say that marriage is a one-size fits-all solution. Definitely, marriage is not for everyone. If you think your career defines you, marriage is not for you. If you spend countless hours before a mirror or in the gym to improve your looks, marriage is not for you. Marriage, when not arranged or o obliged (millions of women and girls are still subject to these practices around the world) is essentially a selfless act, only behind responsible parenting. IMHO.
11
It seems a lame excuse the credit card story as we all know credit history disappears in a few years, even bankruptcy goes away in 7 years. And I can think of many ways to work out with the credit card company a solution like placing the person who committed the fraud responsible for a payment plan. It seems a lame excuse to base the whole article. The same with the accountant excuse, there are thousands of ways to arrange after death, with a will or a trust. It seems that they are forgetting the main reason for marriage and that it is a contract, a long term commitment, it is a legal document that shows the intention of the parties at an específico time, the real intention, at least for that particular moment. It might not work, as it happens a lot, but it is a commitment and a deterrent to change it at the first problem. The only reason not to marry is for keeping your options open. One interesting observation is that mostly happens with women allowing it, not men. I also noted that mostly women placed comments in this article???????
4
I see the fraud story as an illustration of the problems with official marriage. You may trust your partner, but not the family he or she came from. Of course, it is better when you do -- getting along with his or her parents has long been a sign of long-term compatibility. But some good people are born into dysfunctional families. That also happens. So you don't need to get officially married.
4
Sends thank-you cards,a terrific conversationalist and can bake a pie.....what a catch!
4
I can't help wondering what Hans thinks.
10
Probably "Whew, she bought the whole identity theft excuse so many years ago!"
2
Sharing the rituals of daily life with someone, married or not, is always a choice.
9
Marriage is great to protect rights in the event of illness or death....really no better protection.
A wedding is not a marriage and some people (like the writer) have very successful marriages without a wedding.
11
Sings the songwriter, "we don't need no piece of paper from the city hall, keeping us tried and true..."
It's easy at 40 to feel like you don't need a legal relationship, you're a long way from retirement, most people's health is still pretty good, if you don't have children and both work the issue of your household isn't at the forefront of your thinking.
9
What an old-fashioned piece! Who knew that people were concerned about these labels anymore?
1
35 years married. I'm fairly convinced that marriage is 80% a societal and sociologic convenience, 20% relationship facilitation. And it too often fails as a facilitator.
The nicest thing about marriage is that it lets you take someone's love as a given. But the tails side of the coin is that it lets you take them for granted.
Our partnership seems to work best on the days my wife and I both remember that marriage is only a first mortgage to each other. You never, ever get the deed. The secret to keeping it fresh is, there is always another buyer out there, eager to outbid you, emotionally, sexually, financially....
The problem is that the piece of paper deceives you. The mortgage isn't the deed. Confusing that leads to trouble.
14
My 27 year marriage kinda fell apart a year ago.
I become more feral by the day.
(husband)
9
Hang in there. As painful as things are right now, let this "upack" itself and keep moving forward with an open mind and an open heart. Wishing you peace, healing and hope.
8
......I hope they realize that if they aren’t legally married they will miss out on the $255 spousal death benefit from social security. Yes , $255 for a lifetime of bliss.
3
that's the issue. why does the government give preferential treatment to legally married people, it's not only discrimination against those who are in relationships without government involvement but also of all individuals who for whatever reason are not in a relationship.
6
married families, statistically or in the aggregate, stay together longer and provide better stability than unmarried parents raising children. this unit of generational and community stability is rightly seen as in the best interest of society and the state. not complicated. that's why marriage is preferred and valued more. it's wonderful that people have options though!
5
It's only supposed to offset funeral costs.
1
Interesting that there is no discussion of children (and what might be best for them) in the article and little mention in the comments.
3
That might be another article, by another person, someone who has children. But children can be raised well and with structure, apart from government involvement.
3
Wow! Just read this without realizing that Gabrielle Zevin wrote this - one of my favorite authors!!
3
psssst... i am a handyman.
she says its the only reason she keeps me around, that and opening wine bottles.
6
One is either free to go or bound to stay. I have no desire to be bound.
1
Lots of anxiety between the lines of this column.
It sounds to me like the author desperately wants to get married but is terrified of upsetting the delicate balance she has achieved after many years.
Madam, your arrangement can collapse at any time. I know because it happened to me and I was married. Death, mental illness, all sorts of things called "life" can interfere.
Will a formal document alter this fact? Likely not, given how people are.
Sounds to me that in the end this piece was a therapeutic exercise for you.
8
Many people are in codependent relationships and cannot be alone and that is why they wed. Vwey few are married to the love of their livers or their soulmate. People stay together for the kids and money. I am not impressed with those married for many years as most should or wished they had divorced and not wasted their lives years ago.
3
Really? Maybe you should get out more. Many long marriages are grounded in friendship. People do find their soulmates--maybe not all at once but over the course of years. And marriages, like any relationship, go through peaks and valleys--some more steep than others. Sure, many don't make it but many also come out stronger and happier on the other side.
7
Fabulous. Thank you.
We've been together 20 years. When people ask me why we aren't married I tell them, "It keeps him on his toes."
141
Hans should propose.
3
Oh for goodness sake. Get married or don't get married. It's not that hard a decision.
5
So where is the most important biological reason we get married? Children?
If you are just looking for somebody to get along, why not live with a friend?
Or is it just to have an exclusive sexual relationship with somebody?
2
"Why buy the cow if you can milk it free?"
3
My MIL was in a long term relationship some years after her divorce from my FIL, and she didn't want to get married, but did want to be with him. We encouraged her to live with him, which I think shocked her, but they did end up cohabitating. Then, she kept putting off getting married with the absolute most hilarious excuses that I enjoyed immensely. Her finace's ex refused to sign the anullment papers, which she knew would happen, and was the direct cause of her insisting on getting married only after an anullment. Her ene
1
Regardless of the marriage certificate, I think all couples have to choose each other, and recommit, every day. To look at the partner and know you still want to be there. This keeps love alive.
6
I'm writing this on my partner's account - we share our subscription. We share a house, a dog and a long life together. We were married once for about 10 years. Then divorced and lived at opposite ends of the world. We live together again and I like it a lot. Have to say I don't really understand why people chose marriage but then I don't know why people eat animals or watch reality TV.
I'm surprised how many commenters rose to defend marriage - implying it's better, smarter, more committed. Hmmm - OK that may be true for you. Quite honestly it makes no sense to me. And I don't need to defend our choice. Just wanted to register one more vote for the "never" side.
105
I’ve lived with people. I’ve been happily married for 32 years. For hubby and me, the commitment did make a difference, but it’s not why we’ve stayed together so long.
Bottom line: If you’re happy not being married and it works for you, great. That doesn’t mean everyone will have the same experience as you. Hubby and I are happy and married; it works for us. That doesn’t mean it works for everyone.
One-size-fits-all doesn’t work, for clothes or anything else in life.
11
Your accountant is correct. IIRC, IRAs and 401(k)s pass to a spouse, where normal required withdrawals can be made at the required time. If no spouse they must be liquidated and taxes on the total must be paid immediately. It’s only money, but it could be a LOT of money at stake.
4
This information is incorrect-while spouses receive special treatment for inheriting a spousal IRA. Anyone may inherit an IRA. It does not have to liquidated. Regular withdrawals need to be made each year and declared on tax forms. But the withdrawals can be made over the projected life of the recipient. I have been the lucky recipient of IRAs so I know from first hand experience.
4
Wow, lot's of negative about marriage and interestingly, since she doesn't mention children, maybe the article should read "The secret to a happy marriage is don't have children" that certainly makes things simpler. As for me, Married 25 years and would pick her again in a heartbeat as she would me. What can I say, if you love someone enough to spend 20 years together, legally binding just takes the strain out of it when things get hard with illness and other life events, as they eventually do.
26
True. A wedding is as different to marriage as a divorce.
If you decide, but remain uncertain, ask one guest for a toaster oven, another for an electric blanket. You might discover (you have discovered by now!) you don't have to choose to have either when married.
If he's "not a handyman" he'd better be a cook. And you may discover you're an occasional plumber. You'll both enjoy finding out. No choice about any of that.
4
I loved this piece. You're an amazing writer. Great insight on how the world views marriage (institutionalized/grandiose) v. how your life is so peaceful without being married (so why bother?). Great humor throughout your writing. It amazes me the way you and your partner do everything happy, from cooking the Blue Apron meals, traveling with one suitcase, and the fact he continually reads and appreciates your writing. Just wanted to note what a great piece you have.
As a side note, I have a law professor who also is not married, but has stayed with her partner for twenty years, due to the headache, and the fact she is happy without it. However, marriage is important for its legal implications. You could possibly have a courthouse wedding (with no announcement), and feel no different. I think this is important because the two of you care so much about each other, and if anything did happen -- you would want the other one to be covered.
11
Loved it. The one thing you might want to consider is give power of attorney and medical determination to one another for a year. Could renew every year.
13
We never had a wedding but he had health insurance and I didn't. Good reason to get married.
7
I have been married and divorced twice - once for 13 years, the second time for 7 years.
Both relationships were fantastic before we got married. Both relationships became mostly sexless, oppressive and dysfunctional after we got married and had children. Multiple rounds of marriage therapy and counseling failed in both instances.
I know no happily married couples, nor of any marriage relationship which I would choose to emulate. Hence, no positive role models. My staunch Catholic parents stayed married for over 65 years, until their deaths - they were miserable most of that time, and set a terrible example of not so silent, long-term suffering.
Married couples mostly avoid me - like I have a contagious disease. I’m 59 years old. The married men with whom I’m friends mostly have sexless marriages of convenience and inertia and staying together for the sake of the children and grandchildren. They lust after other women and some kind of better, more nourishing connection, even at our advancing age.
Being twice-divorced and a responsible, generous Dad and ex-spouse has mostly ruined me financially.
Based on a very small sample size, yet one very well-known and well-understood by me, I would say avoid marriage at all costs!
12
Probably 50% or higher of marriages in which the male partner is 65 years old are "sexless" marriages. And not due to the woman's lack of desire, or her degree of attractiveness.
I daresay I've heard the following rationale at least 3 -4 times. They don't care to explore ED drugs because they are either lazy, comfortable with the status quo, don't want to do the "work" of visiting a physician and bearing the expense of the medication which usually is not covered by insurance.. Never mind the married partner (a woman, of course) who is usually 3 - 5 years younger and still VERY interested in a physically intimate relationship. The male of the species (human) peaks early in life, and also putters out at a younger age than his feminine partner.
3
One of my favorite people, Michelle was in a long term unmarried relationship with someone. They loved each other, they struggled, they persevered. Her partner financially supported her during their entire partnership, giving her a very healthy monthly allowance so she would never have to ask for money. She died too soon of cancer, without a will. Her sister came into their home and took all the things she said belonged to her sister after Michelle's death. It devastated her partner, and those of us who loved her. It was so wrong and hurtful, but fighting the sister would have been worse. He remained the graceful partner he had always been to Michelle. There are drawbacks to not being married. While I think consciously choosing to be with your partner every day is what it takes, illness and other debilitating strains on the relationship might benefit from the safety net of the contract.
23
The EXACT same thing happened to a cousin -- long term relationship, financial partnership/security, a too soon death (not cancer), a rapacious sister, and a gracious gentle almost-widower. I had to check the names, details, and location to be sure you weren't discussing my cousin. Fast forward several years, my cousin found another woman to share his life with ... and they are happily married. A hard lesson about life and people, but one he's learned and rectified with a marriage license.
15
all one needs to do to avoid this is put the surviving partner in one's will. or put the house into a trust and name the partner. one does not need marriage to protect these assets. just foresight.
4
Caring for someone also means caring about what happens to that person in the future. As someone married for close to 40 years, I want my husband to benefit from my pension if I die before he does; he wants me to benefit from his Social Security if he pre-deceases me. As far as we are concerned, loving someone enough to make sure that happens is the true test of a long-term commitment.
34
What a wonderful story!
I note that a lot of commenters are defending marriage. And as an undergraduate in the early 1970s, I wrote a paper for Arlie Hochschild's sociology class on marriage vs. living together. I concluded that it was not marriage, per se, that strengthened the relationship, but the decision to get married.
At this point in my life, I would add that people are so different that I would have to conclude that one size doesn't fit all. Some people undoubtedly have better pair bonds without involving the state.
One other thing: I found the Kristen Schaal thing to be absolutely hilarious. If you want to understand, just watch this short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvd6MBsiDBo
7
Thanks, weird, like many running gags between couples (that are great between them).
1
I like this article because it provides a different perspective that goes against cultural norms. The healthiest couple I know, from my perspective, has a child, has been together over 15 years and is not married. These people are truly thriving in many senses of the word. I haven't been married for 14 years and am happy as a clam. I think it's fantastic that people feel empowered to make the choice either way, depending on their particular values and perspectives.
8
When asked, and its often, about my non-married status...I say; "Yeah...Im not interested in making the same mistakes, once." Its a confusing line, providing all the smoke I need to exit stage-left.
Some people are simply cut out for marriage. More then most would expect, and about a 1/3+ of those who actually get married.
6
Opps.
Some are simply NOT cut out for marriage.
1
Lovely. So refreshing to hear of a coupling that binds because of love and not a coronation, a ring, and a document.
8
Marriage would be better if you got a do-over at seven-year intervals or when the youngest child turns 18 (whichever comes later). Too many spouses (of both sexes, I might add) seem to think that "putting a ring on it" means that you no longer have to stay intellectually interesting, physically attractive, and emotionally supportive. Perhaps that explains why the divorced person in this narrative said she was happy a mere 2-3% of the time she was married.
14
My husband’s brother and his wife renegotiate their marriage contract every year on their anniversary. They are going on 46 happy years together.
2
I'm in a long-term committed relationship with a man who went through a reasonably smooth divorce, in legal terms. He says I'm 'the one' he wants to be with for the rest of his life, though he refuses to ever remarry. I'm still trying to figure out whether I can abide that for the long haul, or whether I'll eventually decide I don't want to die without ever having been married.
I'm ambivalent. I haven't decided whether the institution is important enough to me to walk away from a man who's committed to our relationship up to, but not including that ultimate step. In the meantime, I stick around because he's a good man and my best friend.
I've lived through enough of life to know that the excitement a couple gets from a big wedding day is meaningless when they're confronted by the inevitable tragedies. I know that the true test of a relationship is who you are for each other when those tragedies arise. I also know that in the face of adversity, it's remarkably easy for people of poor character to abandon those they claim they love, whether or not there's a marriage certificate. People can walk away emotionally, even when still legally married.
It depends on the individuals. Some people need that legal bond to hold them together through the rough patches. Others don't. But I don't think those of us who are "committed but not married" necessarily choose every day. Sometimes it's just a habit.
14
I can't think of a single reason to get married at this point in my life. I'm just over 50 years old; I've been with someone for 9 years, but we don't even live together.... and we like it that way. It works well for us. I'd feel differently if we were younger, I think, with kids or potential kids... but kids are about the only reason I can think of to get married. Kids, and health insurance, and how weird is it that THOSE are the 2 best reasons to get married in the US today? I'm just happy that I live in a time where it's (mostly) OK that I'm free to have and to make that choice.
23
Since you two don't live together, it makes no sense for you to marry.
I've been married for 15 years and I think the author hits on the head when she says "legally binding". My wife and I love each other deeply. Whether we were married or not would not make a difference as to the depths of our personal commitment to each other.
However, marriage confers certain very important legal advantages with regards to taxation, health care decisions and death. It also confers rights to property division when emotionally charged people can't agree. This was one of the main driving points to legally recognize same sex marriages.
If you love someone enough that you want to spend the rest of your lives with them, then you should want to legally protect them so they do not suffer when life is at its worst. Nothing can do that better than making your relationship "legally binding".
22
I suggest anyone one the fence undecided on marriage take a close look at what you're in for if it goes south. While we've all witnessed the happy day, and attended the big party at someone else's expense, there is nothing fun about divorce court.
Should one side decide to make it contentious, as in my case, every hearing is a gut punch. Accusations, lies, and the tiniest argument blown out of proportion. When children are involved it's exponentially worse. This drama plays out daily in every family court house in the land. At something close to $300/hour in attorney's fees.
Marriage is to the divorce attorney as skate boards are to the orthopedic surgeon. Both activities are exhilarating until, for whatever reason, you crash. In my experience, I'd rather half a dozen broken arms.
17
Seeing bad divorces affected me to a certain extent. I never wanted to marry officially anyway, and thinking about having to go through a break-up with court appearances and arguments (and costs, though that was the least of it to me) just looked like it would make a break-up worse.
2
The author seems to want the logistical and legal benefits marriage confers.
She should just view marriage as an economic legal contract used by the government and other entities (hospitals, businesses). That’s what marriage was originally. All the rest can be viewed as relatively modern windowdressing. If you want the benefits and responsibilities of that economic legal contract, sign the paper.
12
Marriage is not a commitment about today but instead attempts to bind one's future self. It's inherently about grasping at stability in a world where everything is impermanent. Seeking security in another person can only bring about suffering.
Go to an attorney experienced with LGBT family law. Sign the right paperwork (health care proxy, will, etc.) to ensure that none of the dire consequences other commenters warn about will happen. Then continue to live one day at a time, happily ever after.
17
Why would she need an attorney knowledgeable in LGBT. Isn’t the author a woman in a relationship with a man.
1
Until recently, same-sex partners had to plan for the future without the benefit of marriage, and attorneys helped them with the paperwork.
I I am glad you are happy. But to me, marriage does matter. Not for religious reasons - my husband and I are both lifelong atheists. But just as you can't quite fit some things about your relationship into words, well, neither can I. I can only say that I lived with another man for several years before leaving him, and then lived with my husband for a couple of years before we married, and yes, it felt different. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that living with a man, I always knew I had an "easy out" - that I could walk away without any complications, as we had no children. Choosing to marry my husband was telling him that I never want the easy out, that I will be there for him, through thick and thin, till death do us part. As he did for me. Somehow, to each of us, that was important. 26 years married, 28 as a couple, and I love him more than ever. But that is just how we feel, and for others, it may well be different. One thing I've learned is every relationship is different.
23
I have often read this, that marriage "feels" different. So I accept it, generally. But I couldn't leave my friend in the lurch, even without an official marriage.
Long term relationships are a function of bonding. Whether married or unmarried our physiology bonds couples more and more as time goes on. If they don’t find other love interests or intentionally go about gradually detaching, two people will grow together like two trees and a split leaves an exposed fleshless side and perhaps a fundamental lack of balance. It isn’t a piece of paper that creates a bond. It’s time and our nature, interweaving our subconscious minds until we literally have trouble existing apart.
10
Marriage combines a loving relationship with reality of life. It carries responsibility, financial stability, legal protections & benefits far beyond a romantic facade & pride.
The stability it provides to the children is insurmountable to the devastating effects we see in our society today.
Loneliness & a feeling of emptiness is one unspoken issue in modern society. Ask any middle aged individual.
9
Listen to your accountant. No, getting married will not change your relationship with each other at all. It did not with my husband after a long term relationship either. But no two people live in a vacuum and the truth of it is, that paper is vital in making your relationship permanent legally when bad things invariably happen. You can rail about how it's not fair, and maybe it is not, but it is how the world is set up currently. It's almost adolescent to insist on not being married as some sort of statement when the potential pitfalls in case of catastrophe are so dire. I see the medical side of these all the time with long term boyfriends and girlfriends who are shunted legally off to the side by estranged children when medical issues arise, and my lawyer father has seen even worse messes. You could end up in separate nursing homes at the end of your lives, never to see each other again, because you are not legally married, and no one would have any obligation to get you back together again. These are not pleasant things to think about now but your accountant is doing you a service. Think about it.
103
To each their own. It's my personal opinion, that if two people are not ready to commit to marriage with each other, they have no business having children together. I'm particularly mystified by women who consent to this arrangement, despite the fact that marriage is in many ways designed to protect a woman's interests. Certainly it all works out for some people and marriage is no panacea, but I have lost count of how many people I know (mostly women) who have been burned by "open-minded" relationships. Unmarried, they face all the same heartache and difficulty as in divorce, but without the legal protection. Many ways to rationalize it, but in so many cases, avoiding commitment is a way to shirk responsibility to another human being. Of course there are exceptions, but overall, I'm not a fan.
24
My husband and I are legally married, but very few people know about it. We got married after being in a relationship for 6 years for health insurance reasons and for the ease of getting a mortgage for a house in our name. We didn't want a wedding, we didn't want to be Mr and Mrs so and so, I feel uncomfortable being the center of attention in any ceremony. We like the legal benefits of marriage. I'm sure there is a way to get those legal benefits without being married, like drawing up some contracts and such, but it's probably a lot more expensive.
16
Secrect? There is no secret. Marriage works well for some, and for others cohabitation is better. For me, neither have worked out so well, and I'm happy being single and unattached.
5
I have found over the last 30 years that the only people going on and on and on and on about marriage are unmarried ones. I have observed that they manage to work their unmarried status into just about every conversation where no one would even think to ask, and where in fact no one has asked. Then they go on about how much better off they are for never marrying. I've never seen a married couple, straight or gay, initiate discussion about their marital status.
To the author: If you don't care what anyone thinks and aren't looking for approval, then why bring it up? I have never ever seen anyone cross examine a couple in casual conversation to find out their legal status. If someone does ask for some reason, how about just answering yes or no and changing the subject if you truly don't wish to discuss it?
49
True. People who have never had children are much the same. They have no experience of having and raising children with a spouse, something that is a unique peak human experience unlike anything else life offers and yet they pontificate, advise, judge and even demean parents and families for their challenges and choices (or lack of choices). Like most who pass judgment without insight, they don't even know what they don't know.
I would not trade my spouse or my children for anything. We share a most abundant and full life, rich and challenging.
But why do writers without a marriage or without biological children, way forth on these issues in the NYTs? Because they want to make living writing and it's a subject about which to knock out 1500 words that will get a publication, that maybe they can build into a collection of essays or later a memoir, that will get a publication. Writing is what they do as a job, often a very piecemeal job, and so these articles serve not so much a critical informative role than a PR for the writer who is trying to be heard in a sea of voices. Take them with a grain of salt.
5
The reason you say that is you are married. The never-married, people, whether single or in a committed relationship, are a curiosity to people -- well maybe if you are gay and out people leave you alone. But married people are like vampires and they want to make everyone around them married. Getting married is a hassle and a risk. Getting divorced is a hassle and a risk. Staying unmarriied also a hasssle and risk. And all of these options get you lonesome sometimes. If you believe in committment and don't want kids then you have a lot of options. If you believe in committment and want kids then all your options are out the window. You have a family. Period.
6
Patricia - This tendency you note may stem from the fact that unmarried people are usually under pressure of some kind to get married --- if not from their married friends, then from their married parents. Miz Rix, below, is right: married people are like vampires and they want to make everyone around them married. Unmarried people, especially if they're in a long-term relationship, are under unceasing pressure to marry. That may be why they seem to you to be constantly going on and on about it: they're constantly having to justify themselves to others.
And yes, you have heard countless people "initiate discussion" about their marital status, simply by referring to "my husband" or "my wife" in conversation. It's just that no one ever takes up the discussion: nobody's likely to ask "have you thought about getting divorced?" or "why are you still married after all these years?" When you mention your spouse, you are encapsulating a lot of other things about you: your sexual orientation, your belief in the institution of marriage, and probably your likelihood of hounding your unmarried friends.
For reactionary people, mentioning your husband or wife in casual conversation amounts to "shoving your sexual orientation in everybody's face" if you're gay. It's the same thing if you're straight, but nobody minds.
5
I know people like the author who are in long term, committed relationships - with children even. They behave exactly like every married couple I know. I don’t ask, but often wonder - why NOT marry? I don’t thing the author of this article gives any compelling answer to that question. And frankly, I don’t know if there is one. It seems to me that it makes the author uncomfortable to have to explain the situation to people. And I wonder what the children of unmarried parents are thinking. I’d guess it causes some confusion and possibly a bit of insecurity - and then of course they have to do the same explaining...
14
My husband and I were unmarried for almost ten years, and have now been married for almost twenty. Honestly, I can't tell any difference, except that we are now almost thirty years older.
22
I think your idea is a very interesting one...that couples that are not bound together are together because they truly want to be, and not because one or both feel they are 'trapped'.
I don't get this cultural obsession with folks being married. I think society as a whole pushes the marriage thing, because 'forced coupledom' makes for a more stable, less-threatening society and where folks have obviously gone along with the status quo (and, once married, have a 50/50 chance of remaining as a couple, continuing to fulfill the societal status quo. For some societies, the idea of a bunch of free-thinking single (albeit well-behaved, responsible) adults still feels threatening to them somehow. Some people think everyone should be 'paired-up', whether they are happy or not. Some people would rather be around (sometimes UNhappy) couples versus (potentially happy) singles. Adult singles (esp if never married) 'perplex' their dear little heads.
14
I lived with my partner for 23 years and then we married for one of the reasons your accountant probably mentioned. We've been married nineteen years. Married or not married, it made no difference to our relationship. It was and is a mostly happy one, but I'd hesitate to put a percentage figure on it. It does vary. Anyway, aging is a different country-so it's not a bad idea to have a flexible idea about marriage and relationships.
15
I heartily disagree with this concept. It's been bandied around my whole life. But I've noticed that it is only true for couples who aren't really soul mates. Take the case of two sets of friends of mine, both lived together for 10 years, both with long engagements, both married within a year of each other, both the same age, both sets relatively aethists. One pair were soul mates. One pair were not and it was obvious, but they seemed like any other couple with any other couple problems, so it was not obvious that they didn't have any more of a chance than the other couple. The one pair that were soul mates got closer after marriage. the other couple broke up shortly after marriage like Angelina and Brad. Marriage is more than just a piece of paper, more than just a ceremony, and more than just a tradition. There is possibly something cosmic to it for couples that are truly fated for each other. It may be that couples that don't marry actually put up aspects of their partner that would be intolerable in a marriage because they know they can leave at any time. What sort of life wasted is that though? Hold out for your soul mate. You won't need marriage with them, but if you do it, you'll feel what a wonderful thing you've done.
10
Does she think every engaged couple has two good credit scores? Two people don't share a credit history. I just looked it up. Hans' debt would not become hers, and so she incorrectly thought she had to ask her parents for the money to clear the debt. True she had to apply for an apartment or a mortgage solely in her name, but that doesn't mean she had to remain single. JMO, but maybe this is to cloud the reality that Hans never proposed.
27
You’re correct - she lives in a 50/50 state (I do too), which means that she would be responsible for half the debts incurred after the marriage, but not before.
I have been with my husband nearly a decade, but have only been in a legally committed relationship half that time; first as domestic partners (relatively easy to walk away from), now as a married couple (more difficult to walk away from). We established the domestic partnership for one of the tactical reasons one would get married - he needed my health insurance. We have wills, advance directives and powers of attorney set up, all from that time. In my opinion, it’s possible to get most of the legal protections of marriage from domestic partnership (note we are younger, without children and have the benefit of not being a same sex couple), so the decision to marry was more about making a permanent commitment and less about legal conveniences. Truthfully, I don’t feel much different as a married person than I did at any other point in our relationship.
1
I believe we will be seeing relationships similar to this more frequently in the future. With divorce rates increasing as the years pass on, I think more people are seeing the act of marriage as irrelevant. My grandmother has been with my grandfather for over 30 years and they aren't married. I didn't know they were unmarried until I turned 18 and my father explained their relationship to me. I always saw them as a happy couple who were no different than any others I saw. They have never gotten married and do not intend to because they feel it is unnecessary to prove their love to one another. My sister and her boyfriend are a similar case. They have been together for over 7 years and have a little baby girl on the way in January. Myself and many members of my family have asked before if they intend on getting married anytime soon, a question to which they do not have an answer. My family has shown me that marriage is something that can be something very successful, very unsuccessful, or perhaps very redundant. I believe in the future people will more commonly let their love do the talking rather than a marriage certificate. Sometimes actions speak louder than vows.
15
"With divorce rates increasing as the years pass on," - that's something you made up, though. They haven't been increasing in recent years at all.
1
To each her own. The author did not discuss children, nor did the Reader's or NYT's picks. I would not presume that married couples make better parents, just that the legal rights and protections for both parents and children are stronger in a marriage.
27
My husband and I will be celebrating 30 years of marriage in January. Our marriage has been continually renewed, as we have chosen each other over and over again, despite bad times and conflict. He's the one I love to share a suitcase with.
20
I met my husband when I was 37 and he was 40. Neither of us had ever married. We bought a house and simply lived together, blissfully. We finally married when we decided to have children. I kept my maiden name, our oldest daughter took my husband's name and our twins took mine.
Our arrangement seemed goofy to more traditional couples but it works for us. It is easier for a couple to be married here in the U.S. (tax reasons, survivorship, etc) but I really am not sure we would have married if we had chosen to remain childless.
Love is love and a piece of paper really doesn't change anything in that regard. Every couple should do what works best for them.
32
What a beautifully written piece, your love for Hans is quite palpable. I have been with my love for 25 years. We've lived together for more than that (roommates). I was ambivalent about marriage and, had I had a perfectly sensible reason for avoiding it, like massive debt and horrendous credit rating, I'm sure I'd have also happily continued in a perpetual state of not being married. As it happens, we got sick of the inquiries even after 5 years let alone 21, and we enjoy a good party with friends and family, so we legally hitched. It is a significant difference to people who think it is significant. It wasn't to us; we knew we wanted to be together regardless of legal designation. Our lives together have not always been fun, but even in the darkest times we share the odd bit of Business Time and private jokes to help smooth the hard road of life.
5
Marriage should be an agreement between two people. The government should have no role to play in marriage other than to enforce the agreement in Civil Court, just like any other contract.
4
The IRS has different rules.
I have been with my partner for 33 years without the "benefit" of legal marriage. All of the responses from married people asserting the superiority of their choice make me a little crazy. Please don't try to convince me that what works for you is a universal truth. My relationship is just fine without the sanction of the state. I'm a retired tax professional and he's a retired lawyer and we have the whole tax, inheritance, medical power of attorney, etc. figured out. When people ask my why we're not married I just say "I'm not that kind of girl".
44
Totally agree. I have been married and divorced and can tell you that that piece of paper does not mean greater commitment, there are many many married couples with commitment issues.
For professional couples with two higher incomes there is also a marriage tax penalty which can end up costing couples a lot of money since our antiquated tax laws in this country inevitably see the woman as a substantially lower (or no) earner.
For those of you concerned about medical issues and power of attorney, hire a good lawyer and set up the appropriate arrangements (most people do not).
I have seen far too many divorces among family and friends and one should not assume that marriage offers protection, particularly if you are a woman.
7
we have been delightfully together for 44 years, but only got married seven years ago — we were getting old and wanted to make sure there wouldn’t be problems with social security survivorship and various other legal things. so, when we had our first grandchild in 2010, we tied the knot. that has been fine, but..but... i loved being not-married to my life partner. sometimes i miss the old feeling, in fact. we both do. so there.
47
In the country where i come from it doesn’t really matter legally, fiscally or for the children whether you married or not. Marriage is a choice all people have. And many chose this option for other reasons than mentioned before. But equally many concur with the author and never get officially married, and stay together happily ever after. And the beauty is, this is irrespective whether it is between same sex partners or between male & female. My country has found out long ago that all are equal and should be treated as such. And it isn’t the governments job to discriminate or force people into a position they don’t want. Surely we still got a long way to go and have many flaws. But at least we move forward.
44
I enjoyed the article, and, of course, what matters most is the love and commitment two people share, not the legal or religious framework they may choose to formalize the relationship. It sounds like the writer's advisers have already counselled her on taxes, estates, and such, but I wonder if she has considered that neither she nor her partner would have the right to see each other in a hospital ICU, or, absent a formal document, to make end of life decisions for each other should the need arise. Marriage entails a lot of rights and responsibilities, which is a good reason why same-sex couples have fought for the right to marry. Anyone deciding that marriage is not an unnecessary formality should think hard to assure that they have otherwise provided for all the marital privileges and benefits that are important to life as a couple.
13
Those kinds of things, medical power of attorney for instance, can be set up without marriage. Social Security survivorship is different and they might want to look into that. However, if their earning power is close, it may not matter.
4
In the past 39 years, 38 of them married, there have been a few times when the bond may have been broken, but for the contract and its associated oath. It would have been a mistake. We went from an extended period of "How could it possibly get any better, yet it does," to turmoil that would have tested the depths of anyone's soul. We've come out of it stronger than ever before. Just this morning I looked at my wife as she was chatting and thought to myself "You are so incredibly beautiful."
What percentage? I don't know, I'm not happy with myself at times, but in terms of happiness that she is my partner and that I'm very glad that we're still together? Pretty much all the time. I try to do my part. She makes it easy.
28
What a wonderful love story. Thanks for sharing. You reinforced what I already felt. When love is real you don't need the legal endorsement or tax deduction because it's replaced with sheer happiness.
7
I have watched an overwhelmed 18 year old try to make medical decisions for his critically ill father while the patient's partner of 25 years stood nearby with no legal rights to do so. In the absence of paperwork designating the partner as the health care proxy, the partner had no legal say. This young man whose decisions would be questioned in most other social settings has literal power of life and death over his parent. Although his father had said in the past he didn't want CPR or intubation and although his mother begged her son otherwise, the son demanded aggressive measures. No one is looking forward to breaking the ribs of an unwilling man but the word of this child goes.
That estranged sister whose religious values you hate or the parents who ostracized you for whomever you are now get to make medical decisions that fit their view of life, not yours. Let me say the end of life can be grotesque and the paths taken futile, painful, and invasive.
If your ideological objections keep you from marriage, do the right thing and get a health care proxy document signed.
142
You are so right. My husband got a very agressive cancer when our son was twenty-six. We had been married for thirty years, I knew what he wanted and in addition to being his wife there was a notarized document (French system) confirming I was in charge once he was unable to speak for himself. You have to have been in this situation to realize how tough it is to make those decisions. I can't imagine our totally distraught son burdened with that responsibility.
8
So sorry for your struggle. Sounds to me that you were the right soulmate at end of life. Perhaps end-of-life is the real justification for marriage.
2
Marriage is a fine institution,if you want to live in an institution.
After 34 years of institutional life, I find it a very comfortable,loving place indeed.
14
Maybe the problem is that our memories in our brains are stored as stories. And stories have endings. Books and films, they have endings too. Life has an ending, it is sad. It is death.
But the idea that the story ends, and the couple is “happy ever after”, or they go different directions, that is not really the reality. The reality is tomorrow is another day.
I have been living in France since I was 36, nineteen years ago. People ask me if I will live in France for “the rest of my life”, and for about 10 years now, I see the folly of the question.
The reality is tomorrow is another day.
9
“Well, there are reasons to be married when you are old.”
Getting older may make folks think about the legal benefits of marriage more often. But in reality, death, hospitalization, disability, etc. can happen to young people, too. Not being married might make these tragedies even harder to go through if you haven't prepared for them legally. When children are involved it's even more important.
If the benefits of marriage were trivial then couples who have been denied the legal right to marry (interracial couples, gay/lesbian couples) would not fight so hard for them.
I've been married for 32 years and I'm quite happy about it. However, I have many friends who are either single or living with a partner and they also seem happy. To each his own!
15
My husband was 43 when his glioblastoma was diagnosed. We were not married at the time. We were married 11 months before he died at 45. In the meantime, we had the house repaired, the landscaping finished, and prepared his daughter and mine as best we could for the inevitable. Marriage gave us both peace of mind that I could fight on behalf of his disabled daughter and try to go on without him.
25
Getting married these days is a fiscal nightmare for the person with the higher income stream. DON"T DO IT!
9
You don't want to get married? Fine. But, make sure you see an experienced estate attorney to make sure that, if one of you is in a coma, the right person can make health and financial decisions. The law is not kind to people who don't figure this out in advance. Also, you might want to think about his long-term financial security. If you two don't marry, he won't be able to get your Social Security benefits after you pass away.
25
No, the secret to Marriage is not never getting married. Love, some lust, and lots of honesty, commitment, humor, and forgiveness comprise the magical mixture. Call it what you want.
18
After almost 20 years of marriage, I have a recurring dream that we forgot to get married. Sometimes I want him, sometimes he is chasing me. We always choose each other although sometimes I wake up mad at him for making me wait. Then I see our kids and realize it was just a dream.
What's that about?
Sometimes I cringe when I remember our wedding day. All that naïveté! I have failed him and he has failed me, in all manners of small and medium, and none of that squares away with the young lovers we were on our wedding day.
So when I think of how smug I was.....how innocent, I cringe. Because it has been HARD.
But my God, I love that man.
I love him so much he's like the air I breathe--completely necessary and often invisible, not thought about.... I mean, I think about him, we live together and share a dog, a house, a bed, a remote control and oh, two children. He's an ongoing conversation but even so, sometimes he feels invisible under the mountain of routine, expectations and daily living.
So I almost would like to marry him now. Knowing what I know. I think it would mean SO MUCH MORE if I married him now because I would know what I was getting into and saying yes anyway.
And oh boy, would I say yes. Who would say no to oxygen?
So lucky you---you still get that choice.
75
Get married if you intend to have children. Otherwise don't get married.
There, I figured it out for you.
13
Anyone who's ever been betrayed and dragged unwillingly through a divorce is going to think extremely hard before getting married again.
If you're going to get married, have a backup plan detailing how you are going to handle your divorce. Fifty percent of marriages wind up in divorce court, so odds aren't great that your marriage will succeed.
Has anyone ever met a couple who, on their wedding day, thinks they are going to get divorced? Probably not. Nearly everybody thinks they are going to be the lucky ones who will flout the statistics.
And you can chortle over having made it through thirty years -- but I'm witnessing friends who've been married for that long begin divorce proceedings now. Nothing in life is predictable, especially human behavior.
9
You know that elusive, exclusive, warm, party-of-only-two feeling you get when you think about Hans? It’s called “spouse.” Marriages are as unique as the people in them.
Lovely piece of writing. I especially loved “I have gotten a little bit louder now.” I genuinely laughed out loud.
5
Or better yet,have nothing to do with men who are typically strongly socialized from the moment they are born into ''masculinity'',to be nothing like girls and women,and see them as nothing like themselves and to hate them,for no rational reasons,and what is so incomprehensible is that men are born from and nurtured by *women*! In the early 1990's I spoke with Rhea who was an editor at a Harvard University news paper,and now works at Emerson University's news paper, at the sadly long gone Women's Alliance Against Pornography Education project ,and I asked her to send me as much information on the harms of Playboy and pornography in general and she did. She said to me,that most men don not see women as being anything like themselves,they see them as the other,and she said most men hate women and then they marry them and that we live in a very sick male dominated society that hates women and I said to her,well we know why don't we,because men are the one's who run it,and she said that's right.She also always said that the gender differences aren't natural,they have been socially manufactured so men can dominate women.
And she also said back in a 1992 conversation,that there is no such thing as a normal man,studies have found that the average man isn't that different psychologically from rapists,and that it's the abnormal guys who don't have sexist,
3
The legal state of being married will become more important as you age. Since the relationship has out-powered the word, why not do it? This resilient relationship should be able to survive a change of legal status that will become a bulwark against legal chaos in coming years.
I picture you both with open hands, palms towards the sky, the tiny concept of marriage resting, balanced just so on your hands, like little toys. I picture you both closing your fingers on these toys, and putting them in their places, on a table you both cherish, a memorial to the times you've lived, a promise to the times to come. Toys, miniature worlds, just ornaments, four small mnemonic devices to tell the stories of your realities.
2
Why does the author feel that she owes anyone any explanations?
6
As one who has been in a reasonably long marriage and un-married partnership, this is utter nonsense from my perspective. Getting divorced is terrible because people besides yourselves in the relationship are invested in it, your families. And their sadness and loss of a person in their family is very sad. It's hard to be the person causing sadness to innocent in-laws and siblings. The break up itself is easy, once you decide. The same goes in a long unmarrried relationship, unless you've carefully avoided ever getting to know your partner's family, or allowed them to know yours. If I ponder leaving my unmarried relationship of nine years because I woke up no longer choosing him, I immediately think of my nieces and nephews who love my partner as an uncle, and his parents who I value the same. I know that there is more than just us two. Life in partnership becomes complex. Avoiding the entanglements that make staying together a convenience takes more than just not going to city hall.
6
One of my daughters had been in a long-term relationship without marriage. I can tell you that when a relationship ends that has been long term, it effects people and family members just as much as if they had been married.
5
So you decided to be essentially married but for some reason have refused to engage in the legal or religious formalization. Maybe you just want to tell the world how different you are. Maybe you actually fear a legal commitment. Whatever. Your arrangement isn't unusual or particularly admirable.
23
violent attitudes and behavior towards women.I said to her it's mostly because of the pornography isn't it, (before it so unjustly,wrongly was put all over the internet and mainstreamed) and she said it's mostly because of the pornography,but it's also because of other things too. I asked her like what,and she said like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies teaching a violent definition of ''masculinity''.She also said that there are very few men who have not used pornography.
Susan didn't even mention how women are expected to and often do,take their husband's last name,and how this all originated from the woman being owned by her husband as property,and how the father giving away the bride also stems from her being owned first by her father who used to give her away for money to be owned by her husband,and then gave her away for free.That is also why until 1993! it was perfectly legal for a husband to rape his wife in America in all states,it was made illegal in some states by 1988,and it also used to be legal for a man to beat his wife,it was called the rule of thumb law,as long as what he beat her with wasn't bigger than his thumb.
Here Penn State sociology professor Laurie Scheuble explains that the origins of the wife taking her husband's last name stems from her being owned as property just like a cow.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/audio/2016/jun/25/change-last-...
3
If someone told you they were planning to care for a child for the rest of their life but didn't want to formally adopt because "it's just a piece of paper," and "I don't need the government to tell me I'm a parent," you'd tell them they were crazy. You are just as crazy. Speaking as a lawyer, please, go to a registry office this week and get married. Yes, is "just a piece of paper." And so is a green card, an insurance policy, a will, the title to a house.
111
I've worked in the field of immigration law for going on 20 years, and I can't tell you how many long-term couples I've had to advise that yes, I know they've been together for years and have multiple children in common, but immigration is all about the piece of paper. I'm not judging; I'm just a pragmatist by necessity.
12
The writer doesn't seem to get or understand why married people stay together - HINT: it isn't because we have to, either. The writer also has some strange privilege trip in that she doesn't seem to have any need for the thousands of legal rights one gains when making the single legal shorthand to marry. Rights like inheriting your own house without excessive taxes and full medical rights. Gay couples fought long and hard for these.
I know people who have married when they realize how comprehensive those rights are and how much $$ it takes to replace them.
23
34 years married today and I would do it all over again. I choose him every day---marriage would not stop my from leaving him. He says the same. When I ended up in the emergency room and then months in the hospital, we learned how important the marriage certificate was to everyone else. Had I been put on life support and not married to him, my father would have decided my fate. That alone would make me get married all over again!
5
The secret to anything, including whether to get married, stay single, or live in a partnership, just like with any other serious decisions that have long-term repercussions for one's psychological, social, and financial well-being, is making such life decisions with emotional stability and maturity, and then sticking with these decisions with adult responsibility.
6
I am not sure that marriage is much different than a good friend. I want honesty, caring, compassionate and passionate love. I have had that for 43 years. On our wedding night, I told my husband the best was that no matter what the day brought, we would sleep, love and be with one another every night. I joke but it is true--I wouldn't walk down the aisle--I would run. There has never been a day when I was not excited to see him walk through the door. I wish that I could give this secret of happiness away. We fell in love at 16 and 18 years of age, married at 23 and 21 years (I am older). I wish that I could give everyone the magic. I do know that we are both very independent and have never told one another what to do!
19
You are a very, very lucky woman. My parents had that kind of marriage and I envy it.
There is a difference between love, on the hand, and control or attachment, on the other. For the last 40 years I've been telling my boyfriend (now we are legally married but for Social Security and healthcare benefits) that I'd was going to stay with him until I found something better. He said the same to me. That was our vow.
8
We have dear friends who, after respective divorces, did not marry one another but lived together for about 25 years, treated by one and all as effectively married. Then he just moved out, wanting solitude after retirement. He had refused to marry long ago and she accepted his decision. Turns out it was a distinction with a difference. Don't kid yourself. The decision not to marry can well be a very meaningful choice.
19
My husband and I have lived together very happily for 44 years. For the first six years we were unmarried, then we got married for the legal and financial advantages that marriage provides. Some women I knew very earnestly told me how marriage would feel different than living together. Actually, we just went to the registry office with his parents as witnesses, spent 10 minutes with a judge, and that was that. Life went on exactly the same. I've known plenty of married people who got divorced. What makes a relationship solid is the relationship itself, not its legal status. There were also people who told me before I got married that "A relationship is work!" But ours has always been easy and fun.
16
After you have been married a long time, and various betrayals and aggravations have piled up to brush the ceiling, you learn something valuable: that in order to stay married you must choose each other every day. I kind of like the daily check-in: Yup, you're still worth it.
26
After 20 years of marriage, I am at the point where I see the "various betrayals" now for what they are: hiccups. I used to focus on who did what to whom--but now less so. Every day together, is a day together. A blessing.
But that's what 20 years of marriage--and the realization that middle age is upon us--has done......
4
THANK YOU! You put into words, elegantly, what I have been trying to express to others for years (about why my bf and I have been cohabitating for 6 years but see no reason to get married). The pressure to stay together is not the same as choosing to stay together. Kids also mess that up, but my reasons for never wanting children are not entirely related. Anyway, thank you.
8
I feel like Zevin identifies this attitude among many people that a relationship doesn't count unless it is leading to or is a legal marriage. I remember a recent Modern Love column where a girlfriend exclaimed that she had wasted the last seven years of her life dating the boyfriend if he wasn't going to propose marriage to her. Her attitude that relationships are "wasted" if they don't lead to legal marriage vows is so rigid, but I have seen this attitude all around me in contemporary 2017 society. The government, too, differentiates this way by asking for health insurance forms: married, divorced, widowed, or single (as in always single). I am sure these questions are in the backgrounds of many polite minds. I feel like my former employee judged me as "rigid" and "not a team player" because I was still single, i.e. not married, widowed, or divorced. He used those terms at one point to describe me, and I'm sure his perceptions drew on some evidence in my work life. The social flexibility in society to accept different marital statuses is illusory I find, and most people expect the tried-and-true answer of married. Otherwise, they will judge the person as deficient in some meaningful way. Even gay and lesbian couples feel the pressure to get married, and they likewise judge non-marrieds as deficient. Society has not really changed all that much.
4
For me, being married is a wonderful gift. Both partners must feel this way--but if both partners feel strongly about a public commitment and live every day upholding their vows, then nothing could be sweeter. Living together is fine, being married is something entirely different. It is very sad when I see my friends betrayed and the marriage fails, but for the people who take it seriously, it is a very good thing.I think for women who are not Oprah rich it is the way to go, even if it ends in divorce.
6
The fact that money plays into, that a woman should be disadvantaged (and some men have their complaints about the system too) without marriage, seems unjust.
5
I married at 21 and my DH and I just passed our 35th anniversary. We can't imagine life any other way.
When my parents were approaching their 50th anniversary my mom introduced me to the (now very old) preacher who had married them, and invited him to the party. I asked her if she was going to renew her vows. "I renew them every day," she said grimly, and the preacher and I burst out laughing.
8
When I married after 8 years of living with my then-boyfriend, I thought it would be the end of the "So why aren't you married?" question posed by friends, family and complete strangers. The day after the event, I found that it was supplanted by the "So when are you having kids?" question posed by friends, family and complete strangers. It will never stop.
20
@EAW: You're right that one question supplants the other (sometimes even at the wedding reception itself!). The way to handle this, as I remember it, is to say "Why do you ask?" - followed by complete silence on your part. Just let your question hang there in the air, as the other party awkwardly scrambles for an appropriate explanation of their nosiness.
18
People should do whatever they like. What I don't appreciate is the relative and her partner who lectured me on how marriage is a patriarchal institution (just after my own wedding) and then slowly, over the years, took to calling each other husband and wife. They've proven to be very touchy people so I can't exactly ask any friendly questions about this philosophical change. I feel way too churlish to actually refer to them as each other's husband and wife, though! And it does come up when introducing them or speaking of them.
It seems to me if you're not going through with the ceremony then you can't have the titles, maybe?
5
I think you misunderstand the Japanese customs agent. Surely there are plenty of boyfriends/girlfriends etc who share luggage, no?
6
Yeah this works great until one partner is hospitalized; then guess what, you have no rights. Only family is allowed to visit someone in intensive care, or to make legal decisions for them. Your live-in partner is not family, and thus is out in the cold. Yeah don't get married, great idea!
37
I'll bet nowadays that there's some competent lawyer out there who, for a reasonable fee (less than the average wedding) can fix up a contract (power of attorney, surrogate, whatever) to give you whatever protections you need.
3
I'll bet that competent lawyer isn't with you when you unexpectedly find yourself being ignored by hospital employees in a hospital emergency room in some Red State (or foreign country) where you are vacationing ...
in the heat of a crisis, that competent piece of paper is only as useful as the dumbest person reading it believes it is.
3
Look up the story behind the author of the The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. They were together for 30 years but when he died, they were not married. His family came in and took every penny from the sale of that book--and then some. It's a true cautionary tale about legal rights and pragmatism.
4
Before you follow the author's example, talk to an attorney. There are, I have been told, hundreds of legal protections accorded to married couples that do not accrue to non-married live-ins. Research the topic carefully in the state you live in, and then decide.
15
Excellent suggestion. "Not being married" is fine until it's not. If you have accumulated property together, or had children, see a lawyer to understand your rights.
The author seems to be in her early 40's. Things may look different at 60.
5
Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell seem to have worked out 'not married' to
perfection :)
And the author and Hans aren't doing too badly either.
No matter which route people take it's a very individual decision.
9
What perplexes and sometimes offends me is how married people think nothing of asking the unmarried why they chose not to marry. The question usually comes with a heaping helping of judgement (particularly if the askee is female). Some married women view the choice of other women not to marry as a referendum on marriage or condemnation of or statement about the married woman's choice. It isn't. It's a personal choice, that's all.
You don't hear the unmarried asking "So why did you get married, anyway? Do you regret it? What if you regret it later?" No one questions the default of marriage, and if they did such questions would be seen as rude. Because they are.
18
I would not question someone now but when I was younger and had just gotten married I remember asking one established couple about this. They seemed pleased and proud to elaborate (and their explanation seemed to boil down to "we're French"). I wasn't coming from a judgemental place, just curious about other people. It was something different and unusual to me back then.
4
@Kay: I would not be offended if someone asked me why I got married, whether I regretted it, etc. I'd be quite willing to answer those questions. (As for "What if you regret it later?" I've been married long enough that this IS "later," and I still don't regret it!)
And I don't question why others choose not to marry - that decision is intensely personal to them.
BTW, there's a reason wedding vows usually include "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" - because, whether you're married or not, at some point in life, a person is likely to encounter most of those conditions.
6
Don't forget about that other often-asked question: when are you having kids? For some reason, people feel the need to ask this question to anyone who's been married for more than 5 seconds or to any woman over a certain age. One of my cousins, married for the first time at 35, was actually told by people that she was going to have trouble having kids because "you're so old! Your eggs are so old!" In what reality are these appropriate things to say to anyone, at any time? A simple "Congratulations on your wedding!" would have sufficed, but I guess the nuances of polite behavior remain elusive for some people. (For the record, she produced a healthy and very happy baby 10 months after her big day. So much for those old eggs.)
Just like the query about marital status, the question about kids is an equally rude and inappropriate invasion into a person's or a couple's personal life, and random relatives, desperate would-be grandmas, and the general public are not automatically entitled to the answers. Women and men are more than the summation of their relationship statuses or their ability to reproduce, and the busybodies of the world need to mind their business and their manners.
5
Laura and I have her beat: living together - happily - since 1976. After I met her, and things got serious, she said we'd only get married "if it was expedient," meaning if one or the other of us took jobs elsewhere. Neither of us did.
Later, when she became disabled, the 'marriage penalty' would have been enormous, so it was fortunate that we weren't married - she gets better health insurance than I do. In the event of my demise she gets all assets, life insurance, plus my pension which is annuitized in her favor. Note: We both agreed early on: no children. Had we decided differently then, sure, we would have married. Where we live nobody cares. A further note: our parents, between them, had about 8 marriages and divorces so the whole deal was pretty demystified.
13
I don't think marriage is what makes people miserable. Being married to the wrong person is. If you like who you're with, and you're the "relationship type" of course, then spending decades with someone isn't a daunting prospect whether the term marriage is applied or not.
26
When I first got married, I was very happy and wanted everyone to be married. Seventeen years later, I’m still happily married but my attitude has changed. Get married or don’t get married. Do whatever suits you and makes you happy and don’t worry about what other people think.
17
We have been happily unmarried for nearly 26 years (we celebrate the day we met, November 1, as our 'anniversary'). We discussed marriage in our early years, and even started planning a wedding. Then we moved from Washington to Alaska and in the move and subsequent career changes, those plans were delayed and finally set aside. We decided marriage is not for us. Having kids might have been a reason for marriage, but we are child-free by choice. Many of our friends are finally able to marry now that marriage equality is the law of the land, and we celebrate with them. But we don't want it for ourselves. Could we change our minds? Sure. We check in with each so we know we are still on the same page. We've made it through moves to and from Alaska, 2 dogs, career challenges, and cancer. We're doing fine without it.
8
This article is both childish and passe. I lived with my husband for 18 years before we married. When we did so it was indeed for practical reasons--financial, medical, etc. Perhaps the AIDS crisis brought home the fact of how unprotected we and our gay friends were. Neither of us had family we were close to, and there was no question that we considered ourselves a family but unfortunately the state did not. And no, marriage is not about white dresses and roses. We had a small, lovely celebration with friends and we loved each other the next day as much as we had the day before. We went on to have many more happy years together. When the time came last year for a decision to be made to remove him from life support, there was no question that the decision was mine, as he would have wanted it to be.
45
"This article is both childish and passe." My, aren't we judgemental. Why is it "passe" ? Because divorce rates have been declining since boomers have been aging? (If they really have been declining...) Or "childish" ? You have to be married to be an adult? Or at least show the proper homage to marriage in our culture? Social norms notwithstanding, what's right for you and your hubby might not be right for Gabrielle and Hans. What's wrong with that?
3
I have to agree. Marriage is a personal decision. And if someone cares if you are married or not, it's not really any of his/her business. Debating the benefits and "shoulds" of marriage, parenting, really all personal decisions/preferences is frivolous, judgmental and a waste of time.
2
Bless you Theresa, and sorry for your loss
Australian friends of mine who happen to be Quakers issued a statement Down Under because that country is undergoing a postal vote on whether or not to legalize same sex marriage. My friends' statement states their commitment to each other over two decades and further states that instead of "marriage" they have chosen a civil "celebration of love" in order to stand with their LGBTQ friends who do not have the option yet of marriage. Their concern is that people who are married regard themselves as "superior" to others. I note in the case of Gabrielle and Hans there is no mention of children. It is not the marriage or even the legal civil union which ensures a child's happiness and well being, but that word "commitment", in all its manifestations: continuity, predictability, unconditional love, the long haul.
1
Girl. I have no many of my friends like you. Who say they are the ones choosing to be not married. And it's really that the guy they are with is not asking to be married.
I hope you are really not fooling yourself and everything is Kristen Schaal. But I don't see anywhere in this piece that you say, we discussed marriage, we thought once about just going to the courthouse with no fanfare, we looked at rings, or we have joint accounts, own a home together or are somehow otherwise entangled in each other's lives by a bond other than feeling.
It's just not enough. Marriage is more than a feeling. It's a contract. It's the difference between someone you love letting you live in their guest house rent free, and that person actually deeding the house over to you. Both are nice and generous and lovely things to do. But the second person really wants you to feel secure knowing you have the house.
80
Who are you to say someone else should get married just because you say "it's just not enough"? She isn't telling YOU or anyone else they shouldn't get married. She's giving hints about how married people act superior.
And you're doing it again.
Funny. The liberal crowd (rightly) tends to want to have self control over their own personal decisions like birth control, abortion, sexuality, worship, etc.
Why is it so tough for people to grow up and see marriage as just one more such choice?
If she were a conservative saying same sex couples shouldn't get married, you'd (or at least most NYT readers) would (rightly) be having a FIT.
Grow up. Under liberal principles, marriage should just be another choice. Especially for couples who choose not to have children.
5
" Under liberal principles, marriage should just be another choice. " Yes, exactly.
3
It's always the person's choice. But not all choice are wise. You have the right to make a dumb choice, and I have the right to be of the opinion that it is dumb.
2
I think a lot of people confuse marriage with the actual wedding, and don't really think about what it will be like to spend a lifetime with another person. I also think there's so much societal pressure to get married, particularly for women and particularly by a certain age, that sometimes people don't put in the thought and reflection that a commitment of this scale requires. I think that's one, but certainly not the sole, reason for some divorces.
Making a commitment to another person is a wonderful thing, and I personally could care less if the two people doing it are married or not. It's not my business, it's theirs. But I disagree with Gabrielle Zevin that the "secret to marriage is never getting married": I think the secret to marriage is, as she does with Hans, making a commitment to the same person over and over again every day, day in and day out, for years. Married people have been doing this forever, although in my observation it's easier to do if the couple has few obstacles intruding into their married life. Illnesses, job losses, financial issues, problematic children, profoundly disabled children, and meddling, obnoxious in-laws can all cause stress that inhibits any relationship's - married or not - quality and functionality. These days, if you don't have at least one of these stressors pressing on your relationship, you've won the golden ticket.
14
You are so funny! I really enjoyed reading this piece a lot! You brought a new perspective of marriage to my thoughts. Thank you for the laughter. <3
2
During our almost 17 year marriage the most profound discovery, for me, is that my wife has a dazzling ability to tolerate my anger and quick (and unfair) judgments. That would be dazzling whether or not we were married.
2
Except for standing up in front of your friends and family and saying that you love this person and want to spend the rest of your life together and overlooking important legal protections, living together is just like being married.
9
Why the need to stand up in front of friends and family??? Sounds insecure to me. Also, it takes a bit of efforts, but there are other ways to enjoy some of the same legal protections.
2
I'm surprised that so many people deride marriage as an institution, as in many of the comments already published below.
After all, its been around in one way or another for, oh, perhaps 10,000 years or more?
Longevity is rarely an accident.
95
Marriage, as we know it, is only about 800 years old. Still, I am a supporter of the 'tradition' having been married three times.
13
Freedom of choice, however, should be a respected principle of marriage. Just as the bulk of NYT readers would strongly advocate for many other activities. Stop with the mindless social pressure already.
5
Going by the Old Testament part of the bible, slavery's been around for a long time, too. Heckofa tradition. Times change, hopefully.
13
"I wake up in the morning and I look at Hans and think, I love you. I choose you above any other person. I chose you 21 years ago and I choose you today. I believe you to be a constant in my life, and I, a constant in yours. Loving you is the closest thing I have to faith."
That's just beautiful...
9
I think the title of this article is much more annoying than it's content. I'm glad the author found something that works for her and her partner, however implying that it has consequences that reach further than their relationship is just as silly. To each is own. And I choose my husband every day, there are many other endings to a marriage beyond divorce.
4
That credit card story sound like a lame excuse! If they truly love each other, then they should get married and not shack up. Real adults don't fear committment or marriage.
10
My boyfriend of 6 years and I (after two divorces each) always say "Marriage is the number one cause of divorce."
5
I disagree with the author. To each his/her own.
1
If a marriage can be dissolved at any time, for any reason or no reason at all, is it really marriage?
Marriage is a risky form of behavior. For men in particular, it's not worth it.
Perhaps for women who wish to have children it makes sense.
It's not worth it for plenty of women. That's why most divorces are initiated by women. And I agree that the marriage commitment is so easily and often broken that one wonders why people had no it is so permanent.
Not saying pair-bonding isn't important, but to each his/her own. The problem with marriage is that people enter into that legal and social contract unthinkingly. They don't talk about what they really want together first, and assume their partner has the same vision as they do. Marry or don't, but negotiate your relationship openly, and craft what the two of you want as opposed to what society says you should have.
3
Unfortunately the research on this topic disputes you. Men benefit, in terms of health and wellbeing, far more from marriage than women do.
9
In many countries there is the legal concept of common-law marriage. People who live together for a set period of time (seven years in some countries), are considered to be legally married. Personally, though married and very happy, I find the American obsession with marriage and family offputting. Being married is not the secret to happiness; having children is not the most important thing in your life; and staying in a boring marriage forever is not a proof of virtue but of stupidity. For legal purposes, a contract is as good as marriage any time and saves money in case of separation.
5
You love weddings. I hate weddings.
2
Married at 19, mother at 21, divorced with 3 kids at 29 after an abusive faith-based relationship. Marriage, children, anything is not a guarantee of commitment or fidelity. I would choose to marry again, precisely because of the legal benefits of making that kind of contract agreement with someone else. If it were possible to transfer social security, medical, etc, benefits to a partner in another way, marriage would be completely unnecessary except in a religious context. A piece of paper does not define a relationship - the people in the relationship define their level commitment.
5
My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married. We just had our 4th wedding anniversary. Couples who stay together over the long run, married or not, choose each other day in and day out--they put their relationship as a top priority in their lives. Those who get divorced either didn't prioritize their relationship or it was a mismatch of priorities.
I do think the legal benefits of getting married outweighs "just not wanting to." Of course the government/church/department store registry is not going to change the way you feel and behave but some of those legal benefits are very important. For example, my husband and I have talked at length about what we want if we were to, say, have a bad accident and end up in a coma. Do we want to be on life support? For how long? What about organs--do I want them donated or not? If you are not married, you have no legal grounds to fight for your spouse's wishes and I think after spending 20+ years with someone, I would think you would want to honor his/her requests.
Marriage, as an institution, will not change how you feel about your partner. But having legal rights as a married couple may be important/necessary as you get older or on the off-chance that something unexpected happens.
21
I think if you want to have children together, you need to get married because it gives the children an advantage over those whose parents do marry when it comes to inheritance and the transfer of real and personal property if the parents have no will. It also makes it easier to travel in conservative Moslem countries. Being married keeps a couple from being flogged publicly in Saudi Arabia. The legal implications of marriage are real and valuable. None of the other stuff is. You can live with you best friend for life, but when you die, you need to be married to him in order to be allowed to spend your last moments together. She should quit acting superior - she really is just not very smart financially. Even if you only have dogs together, being married helps to insure a more secure environment for your pets. The emotional and social aspects of a relationship are easiy arranged without marriage. The technical, ownership, and legal aspects of marriage are an advantage. That's why so many gay people want to be married.
Thank you Gabrielle! I don't know which of these comments to cheer and which to pan, but you definitely wrote a great, heart-felt article.
3
Stay unmarried. But get the legal stuff regarding health care, health care proxies and a will taken care of. The law may not be so kindly in terms of what happens and especially if your parents or siblings decide differently from you and your partner. Call your attorney on Monday, then just proceed as you have.
11
My husband and I were together for 11 years when we got married. We have been married for 3 years, making it 14 years together as a couple. We are older than the author of this article. I am 57. My husband is 64. I was more inclined to make it official, he was ambivalent. I was worried about the practical realities of illness and death as we get older. At some point he saw the advantages of being husband and wife and we decided to marry. We have been fully committed to each other since very early in our relationship, our marriage changed very little between us. So I was shocked at how dramatically different other people perceived and treated us after our wedding. Friends and family have made many comments revealing that, in their mind, we now have some upgraded status. That part of it has been more strange than interesting or helpful to me. But this new found respect was especially apparent in doctors offices and hospitals. My husband has had several surgeries over the years both before and after our wedding day. When I was his girlfriend I was informed of his condition. Now that I am his wife I am consulted. We now have rights and opportunities to help one another that we did not have when we co-habititated. For me this difference is everything.
25
My wife and I were together for a little over seven years before getting married. Friends and family had all, at some point along the way, assumed that we wouldn't do it and we moved through life much like Gabrielle and Hans.
Of course we were very much in love from the start, and both had our reservations about marriage (both tied to our childhood experiences, in a surprise to nobody!).
The experience of choosing one another for seven years was meaningful and valuable, and I think we just woke up one day and recognized that we were married in the 'common law' sense anyway, that we were happy, and that we had sort of already proved whatever point to each other. So now we've been formally married for a little over five years.
I don't think much changed between us, but there are subtle changes in how we are perceived - as Jeannie Hacket says in another comment we are not "carrying around a drama" for which everyone seeks an explanation. I'm glad we didn't marry sooner. I'm glad we are married now.
I don't think there is anything mystical or talismanic about marriage. What I take from this piece is that people should focus on deepening a connection with their romantic partner, and any formality flows from that. I do believe that too many people begin with grave formality, hoping that deepening love will follow.
14
My wife and I have been married for 45 years. I tell her regularly that I am the luckiest man in to the world to be spending my life with her. She can still make my heart jump when I see her unexpectedly. We treat each other with love and kindness.
It sounds like you and Hans have all the ingredients that a successful marriage has. I wish you two all the best in the rest of your lives together.
30
Yesterday was our anniversary. Twenty-six years. The card I got his said "Love is not in the falling, but in the staying". It's very easy to get "un-married" these days, at least in Texas where I live. File and 30 days later you are a free bird. So why even do it? I think the reason it works for us is that marriage is a safety net that holds us together when we have too many days in a row of having to choose each other. Decision fatigue, maybe? The bottom line is, I know we are deeply committed to each other, more so now than ever, and I like it that our marriage means we are a "unit", that I have a partner for all life's battles we face, and a "home" to come to every night.
7
My wife and I have been together for 5 years and we arent married. Im always surprised at how fast cishet people get together. Its like 6 months and boom they are engaged.
As a transgender woman who couldnt marry until a few years ago, marriage has always looked like some form of ownership, a relic of a time when men owned women.
One of my good friends just ended a relationship only a few months before her wedding date. She said she felt trapped by the inertia of marriage, and she also felt like her fiance was trying to get married so he could finally have a wife gutted and mounted. Luckily, she bailed at the last minute and saved herself from a painful divorce.
I meanwhile, have been collecting gold ore for 3 years now. I plan to smelt it down and cast my own electrum ring to ask my wife to marry me. However, marriage isnt some cementing event for us. We are already well cemented, we will get married mostly so our parents can have at least one hetero-normative event in their childrens lives.
1
Being married is choosing each other every day. That's how it works. If you don't chose each other every day, if you decide it's enough that you chose each other ten years ago or whenever, then of course it is a misery. Love is love whether or not you are married. Same for misery. Making grand statements about the effects of marriage based on anecdotes is just silly, and a little bit rude to those for whom 'happily married' is not just a turn of phrase.
23
"when the law doesn’t bind you as a couple, you have to choose each other every day." Even if you are bound by marriage, the only way to have a content/happy marriage is to choose each other every day.
78
Love at first sight ( ok, lust) 35 years ago. Married 30 years next May. Cannot imagine my life without him.
13
This made me smile. Best wishes to you both.
7
Lot's of lessons here for the married and unmarried. Thank goodness for the freedom to choose.
10
My son and his girlfriend, whom my wife and I adore, have been to so many weddings, and seen so much of the grotesque contrast between the gauzy wedding fairy tale industry and the reality of their friends' "2% happy" lives, that in effect they have been inoculated against marriage as an institution. Instead, each day they choose love and companionship as a way of being. They are growing into an ever-richer adulthood together. Problems tend to get worked out because they could always split up at any time but always choose not to. Meanwhile, my neighbor has been ambushed by the divorce lawyers his spoiled brat wife of three years has hired to try to steal his inheritance, retirement and house. How fullfilling.
8
This is a great article. In addition to the dry wit scattered throughout, the message is a practical and reasonable view and love and commitment. The dictionary has 2 definitions of marriage I came across in a quick online search; in addition to the first (which is the traditional definition of marriage), the second was "a combination or mixture of two or more elements." If we consider Gabrielle and Hans as "elements", then they are already happily married anyway, just not in the eyes of our government (and really - is our current government who we want defining such things???? Train wreck.
I digress though). I was married and can confirm that will not guarantee happy or long-lasting love. I am "not married" now and have never felt more loved or appreciated in my life.
My best to you and your not-husband, Gabrielle.
4
My goodness you definitely are married. Just say it. You are married.
And no one needs to know - not even the pesky customs agent. Just say you are a family. You share an address. They DO NOT care unless you make it a problem.
I have been married for 36 years and lived with my spouse for 40 years. We do not share a name. Yet in 40 years of jointly filing taxes, paying bills, opening checking accounts, etc. we have been asked exactly once to "prove" we were married. It was some crazy state thing (I don't remember what) and that was it. Once. In 40 years.
We chose to get legally married because of the issues that happen if someone gets ill or dies. That was also why we chose to have a wedding, with family and friends. My husband was widowed and knew the issues of what happens when a spouse dies, and also the issues of not having everyone realize he was "really married" (they had a JP and one witness). So there are real logistical reasons to get married.
But that's it. You are really married.
10
This is foolish. This is an invitation to trouble, poverty and heartache. People sometimes lose everything in old age because their non-spouse dies and relatives take away all of their assets.
If you love the person, you should marry. It is a form of legal protection. It is taking responsibility, both in life and after death. It is like buying life insurance if you are the one who earns most of the money.
Romantic reasons to marry are well and good, but even if you do not feel them, there are also practical reasons to marry. You ignore them at your own peril.
41
A current will addresses many of the concerns around inheritance. However, there is a huge tax preference for the survivor in a marriage as assets will be stepped up to current value.
if the incomes are radically different, there is also a Social Security benefit to the lower earner if you've been married 10+ years.
I believe filing the domestic partnership agreement (do these still exist now that gay marriage is legal?) in CA may cover the concerns around hospital access.
3
I knew an elderly woman whose non-spouse died after 30 years of living in the same address. He was wealthy. His will left her a large bequest. His relatives contested the will. After years of fighting, they and the lawyers got nearly all the money.
A current address, a domestic partnership agreement, this or that legal document may help. Or they may not, if lawyers and greedy relatives are involved. Here is what is certain to assure you get the money, and you get to visit in the hospital: marriage. That's what marriage is for. It is not just for romance. One of its purposes is to clarify legal status and to keep people from being destitute in old age.
It may not be fashionable or romantic to say that marriage is a valuable contractual obligation, but it is. Sometimes it is about money, and it should be. There is nothing unethical about marrying to protect yourself in old age. Or refusing to marry for that reason. The world can be a nasty place. People often try to take away your money. You should be realistic and should take steps to protect yourself, especially in old age.
58
It's called a living will.... look into it. :)
And the secret to parenting is never having children. Oh, please.
9
The secret to flawless parenting certainly is! Non-parents nearly always know far more about the topic than any actual parent I've ever met, myself included.
6
Terrific article, funny and with meaning
Thank you
2
When you're for really real married, you have to choose each other every day too.
24
The secret to never getting married? Marriage.
4
I have friends who have been together 38 years without benefit of marriage. They're both lawyers, so they know how to set up the paperwork. Marriage imposes many obligations, most of which are not discussed before the wedding.
2
wouldn't setting up paperwork be equally binding as a marriage contract? is the point to be with someone when you are able to just walk away without any consequences? Maybe I'm just missing the point here
7
it would be great if they would make the paperwork available so others of us would know how to navigate hospitals or inheritances.
1
I think Marilyn is referring to civil partnership, which we have in California. Shares most protections with marriage.
Life is hard. Relationships can be hard. For many reasons people are happier in a non-marriage, because they feel freer or less trapped by conventional expectations. But, for people on the fence, I would say - Why not get married? The legal protections represent the fact that after many years of living together and making joint decisions about where to live and what jobs to take, there really is no "mine" and "yours".
7
If a piece of paper is your definition of marriage, fine. But for those of us in loving and fulfilling marriages (mine 36 years), nothing you feel or think is different than what we experience.
Earth to Gabrielle - you're married.
13
Something that surprised me about my own wedding was how it was so much more than "the white dresses... the roses...the wedding band [playing] 'Shout.'" It meant a lot to have our friends and family gathered together to witness us making a commitment to each other. And it meant a lot to understand that we were entering into a commitment that has a larger significance. Weirdly, though a wedding is inherently self-serving, it was also an act of acknowledging that we are part of a community, that we are doing something that has been done before, that we are continuing on in a tradition and making promises that are not just centered in our own lives, but in the larger mores of society, our religion, our families.
This sounds slightly suffocating or self-important to explain, but I found it quite moving. Now, seven years on, I'm amazed at the fact that we did all that planning, had our loved ones gather together, stood up there. In our day-to-day lives, our relationship is just about he and I, but being married reminded me that we are part of a larger whole.
Which isn't to say that getting married is the only way to feel part of our larger humanity! It was just an interesting side effect that I wouldn't have anticipated pre-marriage.
24
The writer seems to be conflating a wedding ceremony with marriage.
If she isn't "married" officially in the eyes of the government, then how does she define what marriage is? Is it just the ceremony aka a wedding (in most cases).
If she believes marriage is about a long-term commitment that also has contractual significance with legal and financial protections and not about changed feelings via a ceremony, then why not get married?
14
I do not find it odd not to marry. I find it odd that the author reveals her life history to strangers. A casual "Because I'm not" is enough explanation for overly-curious strangers.
Married people choose to stay married every day. Divorce is what happens when the life without a spouse is deemed better than a life with the spouse.
I have read this piece three times and I still do not understand the connection between a credit card and marriage.
57
@MJM792: The connection between credit and marriage: If one member of an unmarried couple has a poor credit score, the other partner's score remains untainted, which allows a couple to -- as the author pointed out -- rent apartments, get loans, take out a mortgage, etc. Getting married means that the partners take on each other's debts, credit card and IRS problems, bad credit scores, and so forth. It's a big reason why many couples do not marry.
4
Thank you for the explanation because I sincerely did not understand.
Now that you explained the author's thoughts, I have a problem with the couple. I thought they simply didn't want to marry but if credit problems were holding them back, that is different. Hans could have gotten the family member to pay the debt without getting the police involved or somewhere in their 21 years together, the couple could have paid the debt. Plus, in some states, debts can be discharged after seven years.
With or without children, I don't think anyone needs to be married. Plus, adults don't need to justify their lifestyles to anyone.
1
Beautiful column.
There is yet a different way to look at this: a couple of years ago, my brother and my sister-not-quite-in-law of 25 years finally married. It was a quiet, yet glorious summer celebration, with their three children, our parents, and assorted siblings, nephews, nieces, cousins and friends. It seemed we were all celebrating both the past 25 years and all the years to come. Halfway between a traditional wedding and a "renewal of vows", I suppose. Not sure why they did it actually, but they certainly looked happy then and now;-)
9
So many of the unmarrieds' comments here seem to look down on the contractual aspect of marriage and laud their own ability to "choose each other every day." Personally, I think it is pretty special to find someone and want to stand up in front of your family and friends and promise your lives to each other. If you're with the right person, that act changes a relationship for the better. If you're happy not being married, rock on, but don't dismiss marriage as a convenience or strictly a legal decision when you don't necessarily know what you're missing.
48
don't dismiss marriage as a convenience or strictly a legal decision when you don't necessarily know what you're missing."
It would seem that at least 50% (the current divorce rate) of those who were married have decided every day that they WERE missing something. The problem seems to be that most people who get married are TOO young to do so having little REAL life experience and those who live together for decades have lots of life experience and don't need the paper to make it "real". And most people don't have estates to worry about so a plain old legal Will works fine for "give-aways.
1
Part of the reason not to get married: the wedding. All I see is the stress that my friends go through. Wedding planners, guest lists, costs, etc.The parties are fun but I always wonder if they were worth the hassle. Then they get divorced anyway. I have not been married to the same woman for 28 years. We keep trying to plan the wedding but can never decide how to do it. Maybe at our 30 year non-anniversary.
7
A wedding isn't a requirement for marriage.
7
If you don't want a wedding, skip the wedding. Get married at city all for $50.
Frankly, I think this is an excuse not to marry. Everyone knows you can marry without a wedding ceremony.
You don't need an engagement ring either.
15
That's why my husband and I eloped.
Still married 48 years later.
13
My unmarried parents have been together for 45 years (they met when I was 5). The only time it bothered me was when I was asked how long have my parents been together. Depending on the decade...70's: Married for x years. 80's:Together for x years. 90's:Their not married, but he is my Dad. 2000:Forever (Mom is older and I was in my 30's), none of yourbusiness. 2010's: Mom and Dad, please get married so if something happens, I don't have to fight it out with the brothers and the State. Marriage, as far as i'm concerned, is for the paperwork. I got married to my husband because he suffered from blood clots and his parents were from the other side of the country. I think all you need to be married for is for death.
10
Linda S, your last line says it all. The underlying fear is of the finality of marriage - akin to mortality. Those not marrying are in denial.
3
Wanting to marry and being denied that right, having a 33 year "engagement" then finally getting a license 10 years ago, give me a very different perspective than Ms Zevin.
What often matters now, late in our lives, is not so much the financial security, nor the decision-making recognition, but the time far in the future when our public records show each of us existed and we existed, together.
I guess I could write a book and dedicate it to him, but that "would not be Kristen Schaal."
We have never thought we had to choose among others each day. Maybe, since the first day we met, confidence and trust, more than love or faith, were important.
14
I am also unmarried and with my beloved for 23 years. I'll always remember the Joni Mitchell song lyric "we don't need no piece of paper from the city hall keeping us tied and true..."
Fortunately, I never wanted children. If I had, that might have changed the situation...
7
This article summarizes the attitude that my partner and I have towards our relationship so perfectly. We plan to be together, not-married indefinitely or until we need to end the relationship (known as divorce for married people). If we do need to part at least we won't have nearly as messy financial and legal entanglements of most married couples. (We don't plan to have kids, so indeed this does simplify matters). Most importantly though, I do believe that showing up every day because you want to be there, not because you said you would, keeps the relationship fresh and alive.
9
Celebrating 40 years of marriage next weekend. We are together because we do choose each other every day. Best decision I've every made was to marry my husband.
31
That's not the "secret to being married", how silly. It just works for them. I love being married, and have the same kind of relationship she does. It actually sounds like she wants to be married.
Why does there always have to be this competition between married and unmarried, and having kids or not having kids?
Just do what you want and stop telling others that your life is better than theirs.
240
agree. the whole article is silly. wish i could get my 5 minutes back!
i do not question the writer's decision to remain happily unmarried. i question her decision to be with someone who put himself and her through financial purgatory by paying a debt he did not owe, and by unreasonably refusing to hold accountable the person who put him (and her) in that untenable situation. there is nothing honorable about his assuming the debt and allowing the relative/thief to roam free just as there was nothing honorable about the relative/thief's taking his information and using his credit to pay for a WEDDING. oh, the irony.
13
This decency, as she views it, may be the reason she loves him, though clearly many would reject a less vengeful partner. Irony is certainly at play here, when a man who rejects vengeance in favor of forgiveness is judged to be an inferior partner in a discussion of a godly covenant.
3
Whether or not to marry might depend on the phase of life you are in. I married when I was 25. I wanted the whole shootin' match -- children and all. I naively picked the most exciting man I had met, but he had major baggage that never diminished. Fifteen years later, we divorced. Many more years after that, I am professionally successful, financially independent, and a proud grandma. I would never complicate my current situation (personal, financial, legal, social) by marrying again.
20
Until you get married you have no idea what's different from co-habitating. My husband and I lived together for 10 years before marrying 5 years ago. We did it at city hall, not much hoopla. But still, everything and I mean everything changed. Forget that marriage changes your status in the eyes of the world -- drastically. I suppose this was the biggest surprise my husband and I discovered. If you are over 40 and not married, if you are introducing your long-time partner as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and then, in the tedious way this author describes, having to explain the commitment, you seem to carry a drama around with you. You seem to be in transit, even if you're not. You have a story, that is only interesting up to a certain age. And after a certain age, you are suspect, in some way. Alternatively, those dear "husband" and "wife" words are so simple. They solve all problems, socially and legally. They carry one uncomplicated story. They imply stability, whether you got married last week or 25 years ago. People trust you more. But as I said, forget that part. Until you're in it, you don't know how different the day to day feels once you've made that "I do" commitment. The team-ship bond manifests in all sorts of new ways, you feel emboldened to trust each other more and better. When you master -- when you surrender to -- a joint bank account, for example, the energy of shared money becomes another realm of protecting and caring for your loved one. I say, try it!
356
Over 12 years ago, my sister married her boyfriend because she was tired of saying "boyfriend". When they divorced, she had to part with her 50 acre Vermont home, Apple stock and retirement savings. So I don't think marriage solves all problems...it can create more.
This article pretty much sums up my 15 year relationship. If I wanted to be married, I'd be married. I prefer to live separately together. Thank you for legitimizing my choice.
26
If there's drama, tedium, or suspicion, it's not the couple's fault. Marriage is not a magic cure-all. Speaking as a gay man in a years-long relationship, perhaps I view things from a different angle. Marriage is nice, sure, but what if I'm perfectly happy with things as they are? If "everything change[s]" as you claim, what's the advantage when things are great?
16
Wow, until you said all that, I didn't even realize I carried all that bias but you are so right. If I meet a couple over 40 and they're not married, their relationship is not suspect but they are.......
.....which is wrong. I know that. I just never noticed the bias before until you so eloquently pointed it out. (Thank you).
I think, if I dig deep, it is because not getting married implies some sort of a fault or need to buck convention. And subconsciously, you are quite right, it implies less stability.
Now that I am "woke" to my formerly subconscious "marriage bias" I will try to override the instinct. It's really ridiculous to judge anyone on something like that......certainly the facts don't support it.
23
Having been in a relationship with my partner 14 years there has been talk of children and of marriage. 2 houses, 2 dogs later and half a dozen vehicles mostly purchased within the past couple of years we are still a couple unmarried with no children. We used to be a dual income no kids couple and now we are a one income no kids family.
The only advice I would give is to accept without compromise and compromise without accepting.
3
There are financial and cultural advantages to being legally married. The choice whether or not to marry belongs to the individual to decide.
At least you, for your entire life, have always had the legal right to marry the man of your choice. Throughout our country's history, many people, male and female, have been prohibited by law to marry.
Chinese immigrant workers who were brought here by American railroad barons, were not allowed to marry in the US; interracial marriage was illegal in this country not more than 50 years ago. Same sex marriage was illegal until recently.
12
1) At least they save on income taxes; two single people with jobs pay less than a married couple with 2 jobs; 2) Hans is a fool for using his relative's theft as an excuse for things; 3) She could have told Customs: "We were together when packing and each saw what the other was putting in the suitcase." You're welcome.
7
34 years together. When my patients find out I’m not married, the most common question I hear is “Why won’t he marry you?”!
Really, people!
21
I think you should have a 'Not Married' ceremony and Kristen Schaal should officiate and Flight of the Conchords should play 'Shout!'.
92
A great read, a sweet column. IMO, you *are* married, but minus the piece of paper. Marriage is the commitment two people make to each other; the rest is formal paperwork.
I dated my spouse for 10 years before we got married. The first year of marriage was a revelation, b/c in one sense everything had changed - BUT it also felt like nothing had changed: we were the same people, we loved each other the same way, etc. And, BTW, even when the law binds you as a couple, you STILL choose each other every day! That's what makes for a fantastic marriage, at least in my experience.
All I can say is: if you don't want to get married, you shouldn't. I got married and my spouse & I have what we each were looking for in life: love, companionship, a best friend who's always got your back, and a shared history that nothing can ever replace. We were happy together while still single, and have found we're even happier together married.
Finally, as one gets older, marriage does matter in this respect: even though you say you don't believe the government can change the way you feel (correct!), the government may be able to change how much money you may have in retirement - if one of you has a higher social security payment than the other, and that person dies, the unmarried survivor won't get the spousal portion of the deceased person's social security payment every month. Maybe you each earn well enough that this item doesn't matter to you, in which case, keep on enjoying non-marriage!
18
"Loving you is the closest thing I have to faith." Beautifully written.
I have been not married to the same man for over 25 years. We are not religious and do not feel the need to have the state sanction our love for and commitment to each other. And up until 2015, marriage was a discriminatory institution. We always said that once everyone has the right to marry, we would consider it for ourselves. But why mess with a good thing?
10
I felt this way for many years -- the bf and I had a similar deal for 20 happy years. Then we grew older. People around us started getting sick or started to die. Insurance and employment grew uncertain. And suddenly, we found we needed the stability of the institution.
31
I got married a month ago. We are not young, not old. It was a first marriage for me. In the past, I could have tied the knot with other men, but I knew they were not husband material.
One thing I know, I think, is if I had met him years and years ago, I would not have hesitated with him.
Not the we are perfect and don't think the other one will ever be, but we are compatible. Different, but the same: same values and we respect each other. I really like the person he is. He is responsable, mature and I just enjoy his company. So I guess, what I mean is: you know when the person is the right one. Eyes and heart wide open. Willing to allow mistakes and laugh. A lot.
10
@Danielle: Well said! And yes, laugh a lot!
6
This article is prescient. After 17 years, we're getting married in two weeks. Indeed, the reasons are legal. (No common law in Washington state either.) And, of course, there's the opportunity to have a really good party. But we're not so young, and the legal aspects do matter. A lot. Crossing my fingers that not much else changes... Maybe it will matter to you later when you're feeling less immortal. Until then, live the life you want.
28
Bellingham,
I support your decision. It's a wise one.
Seattle
Great story. As partners, we changes very much over the years, both physically and mentally. We constantly have to re-choose our partners all the time, adapting to all the changes and pressures. I've been married for 37 years - to a wonderful partner. I love her and remind myself, and her, of why I love her and choose her. Flowers, romantic notes, cuddles, candle-lit dinners every night. Except when one of us travels to a conference, or is away for some reason.
6
I think what this piece misses is that by marrying, I made a promise for the future. I didn't just choose my spouse that day, and still do so every day, but I promised to be faithful to him in good days and bad days, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live.
I know many couples don't live up to this lofty goal, but this is the covenant you make when you marry. It gives me a reason to make sure our arguments don't evolve into something bigger, to commit to being a better person and making my spouse a better person because I want nothing more than for him to live a life of happiness, and I want to be happy myself.
178
"I think what this piece misses is that by marrying, I made a promise for the future. I didn't just choose my spouse that day, and still do so every day, but I promised to be faithful to him in good days and bad days, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live."
And what you seem to have missed is that unmarried couples make the same promises to one another even if they haven’t stood in front of witnesses and said it out loud.
13
I’m married. My wife is a gift, a joy, a pain in the neck, smart, hilarious, and I love her to pieces. Her love makes me rich - having nothing to do with money. When we weren’t legally allowed to marry (when gay marriage was illegal), I felt the same. We have been together since 2002. We married the very day it became legal in California: June 28, 2013. I didn’t think it would make me feel differently. But it did. Being legally married provided a seal of societal validity that put our relationship on par with my siblings’ marriages, gave us the right to be with each other in the hospital, and so much more. Being married makes a difference. I’m delighted to be married.
161
This makes sense in the context of a same sex marriage. But for a hetero relationship, I think it's a version of the same battle playing out (albeit, at a far lower level). Why do we look at married (straight) people and assume their relationship is more serious / valid than unmarried (straight) people who have been together a long time? Marriages end after 2, 5, 10 years; clearly having a contract (i.e. having the government sanction your relationship as real) doesn't guarantee a couple will stay together.
Just like same sex couples wanted validation that their relationship is as important and committed, unmarried couples may want validation that their relationship is as important and committed. Probably we just need to get out of the business of sanctioning some relationships (the ones that have contractual agreements) over others, altogether.
6
@Turono: Of course getting married doesn't guarantee that a couple will stay together! No matter one's sexual orientation, the basis of marriage is the COMMITMENT that two people make to each other - a very personal and serious commitment that definitely does not involve a church or a government entity. If that mutual commitment isn't there, no outside institution can create or sustain it.
And since we *do* have government, that "legal validation" has meaning in many practical aspects of life for a married couple. If we "get out of the business of sanctioning some relationships ... altogether" then how many ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends would be applying for a given person's social security benefits? They could all say they'd had a relationship with that person!
4
I think your reasons are lovely, but the practicalities of dealing with healthcare decisions and inheritance and the like might be reason to rethink your decision. Everything a married couple takes for granted has to planned in advance for a cohabiting couple. Power of attorney, next of kin, inheritances...as you get older, you might change your perspective. I know I certainly did.
68
Couples who aren't married can easily deal with the issues you listed above. I don't consider them valid reasons for marriage. It might take a little work to get the above issues done, but I have many friends who have done so.
9
@mary barter: You're right, but a surprising number of people never get around to doing the legal work that's necessary for that.
6
It is possible to do the paperwork to confer the various decision-making powers to a cohabiting person - no question.
However (and there always is a however), there are any number of well-documented instances where a person's long-term significant other has been denied access or decision-making power with respect to their other half because of the lack of a marriage cert. Certainly, this has been wrong, and in some cases, the wrong has been rectified via litigation after the fact (with, IMHO, well-deserved large-dollar payouts), but in many cases, a loved one died while in care without their significant other bc of small-minded people - either medical staff or family - who disregarded lawful paperwork. And the pain of such loss can't be rectified with jury awards - no amount of money makes up for not being with the ones you love when they are in extremis and would like you present.
8
I was not married legally for 18 years before DOMA fell and we were allowed to legally marry in the US.
For most of the author's 21 years there was a privilege of deciding to marry or not marry where as we did not have that privilege - we simply were not allowed to marry.
And so maybe that is why I think this column has a lot of unnecessary hand wringing. Couples in long term relationships choose each other daily, choose to remain in a relationship regardless of the legal status. The legal status conveys rights that I do cherish - the right to make medical decisions for my wife, to visit her in the hospital should she fall ill, to pass money to one another when one of us dies and has nothing to do with our commitment to one another or our love for one another. Paper doesn't bind. Never has, never will.
73
@Kelly: Exactly.
2
I've been married over 20 years. The real bond comes when you have children. If you are married with no kids, a divorce is pretty easy. Married or not, once you add a child you are pretty much bonded for life. So if this author has no kids and only dogs, I don't see anything really very interesting here.
10
There a plenty of couples who don't have children and this is their choice. Why is this boring you?
4
Nice - people without children are less than, they are not really very interesting as far as the character of their relationship. If I need a child to make my relationship whole, there is not much of a relationship.
18
We've been married for 22 years, and together for 30. We have no kids - a succession of pets and occasional waif kids who need help, but no kids of our own. Are we somehow less because of this? Do we somehow lack dedication to each other because of our decision to remain childfree?
7
As someone who has been married for 37 years, to the same person, I can assure you that married people "choose" each other every single day too.
529
Snap - We've also been married 37 years. To a wonderful woman. We still have to choose each other. Every day. We do. And what stability that is for me.
15
Umm, true perhaps - for yourself, but no one can really test free will when they are not truly free to choose.
And, any single data-point such as yourself (no matter how correct that data-point is), doesn't prove any hypothesis.
6
Oscar Wilde said "For one to be in love, one should never get married"
4
@babysladkaya: I wouldn't use Oscar Wilde's advice as a template for a happy life or a happy *anything*!
8
Oh for heaven's sake, some of these comments are ridiculous.
Just because the author says that she chooses commitment every day doesn't mean that everyone who does not marry chooses commitment every day, rather than for the rest of life. I am unmarried but have chosen commitment for life. I just don't see the need to formalize it, but the commitment is for as long a time period as any marriage.
Further, not everyone who gets married chooses commitment for life these days (if they ever did). I know of several couples who have embarked upon marriages that were only ever intended to be for a few years.
19
I think if you believe that marriage is sanctioned by the government or the church then you are clearly missing the point and maybe just don't understand the importance of this rite of passage and of saying the vows to someone you love in front of the people who matter most in your life. It actually has nothing to do with the church or the state. And, once you are married, you still do wake up next to the person daily and choose that person above any other person.
16
What are you talking about? marriages, by definition have to be sanctioned by the State. And married couples derive their preferential legal and financial benefits from "the state." Marriage has everything to do with "the state."
3
Marriage has everything to do with the church and the state.
1
When long-term, co-habitating couples marry, I try to ask at least one of them if that legal contract really makes a difference to their wanting to come home every day. From my anecdotal un-scientific survey, marrying doesn't change the basic relationship.
3
When I read this author's qualified slight-of-hand definition of marriage, her disingenuous-ness would lead her to convince herself, say, on the subject of citizenship, that she's a "citizen of the world", when in fact, the rights of citizenship she which she profoundly enjoys are only found in the US.
Face it, from someone with seventeen years of marriage more than you have -- not only are you married --lock, stock and barrel -- you personify all the trappings of marriage which religion, governments even department stores engender, despite convincing yourself otherwise.
4
Not having been in a situation like yours I can't fully relate. I guess you kind of feel like your are married. But, married or not (me over 30 years), you still have to decide every day if you want to stay with the other person. That's what makes relationships so fun!
1
A well written column with a title designed to get clicks. Marry. Don't marry. It doesn't really matter now that divorce is common. The secret is finding the person you enjoy spending your days with. The person you share your secrets with be they large or Schaal.
17
Having to choose someone consciously every day, and the attendant anxiety and uncertainty, must be exhausting.
12
I am in my sixties and have been with my "wife" for seventeen years. We are not legally married. We have a wonderful and respectful relationship that has withstood the test of time and difficult issues of aging. There are few advantages to actually getting married, and as to taxes the disadvantages are great. And it doesn't matter anyway. She feels like my wife and I call her my wife. Quite enough.
179
Until one gets sick, and ends up in the hospital. And the hospital asks if you are married and, if you dare to tell the truth, they would not let you in to see your loved one in the ICU. Laws, rules and society are jealous of real, true love, and they have a way of letting you know in the worst possible moments. A marriage certificate is there like insurance against floods> You never know when it will come in real handy. Laws and society int his country run far behind love and commitment, but they still call the shots.
2
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing.
5
Married, schmarried. It's not for everyone. Gabrielle, try to find Bill Maher videos online how he talks about the bias against single people. Pretty funny, yet insightful. He says some people think nothing of telling a single person that they should get married. And he says "what if I said you guys should get divorced!"
Not that you're single, but you have your own personal reasons for not marrying. Follow your gut. Some people don't need societal norms to feel complete.
13
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
4
Hi Gabrielle! Just saying hello and that I loved your piece. I felt compelled to comment because I hate that the majority of comments so far are urging you to get married. So don't! Or do... whatever :)
4
Sounds like you figured it out for yourselves - don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
11
If you are happy, I am happy for you. Live your life the way you want to.
7
Being married, I have a partner in all decisions that is fully committed to raising our children and growing old with me. I have abetter half that I can fully involve in every aspect of my life. We make every decision together. Before we were married was great too, but it's different. You can't equate the two, legally or otherwise.
8
We have been married for 47 years with many more ups than downs.
The longer we are together the better it gets. We have a few friends who have been together many years and never have married and are wonderful together.
Society generally doesn't care where we live it's the people that do.
4
Beyond the fact that couples living together without being married is not a big deal at all, I think the premise of the piece is faulty. I've been in an unmarried relationship for ten years. We don't choose each other every day or even every week or month. We have the same continuity as a married couple. And while divorce is obviously more complicated than two unmarried people separating it isn't that much more complicated. People can, and do, leave marriages every day.
The author writes this like a teenager who thinks he or she is the first person to ever have sex.
As to the furious customs agent...furious? Really? Seems exaggerated to burnish the author's victim credentials.
41
I was thinking the same thing about the customs agent. We travelled internationally together many times before we got married and always shared a suitcase. Not once was there ever even a question about it. I don't think I've ever heard an issue about that from anyone. A bit of embellishment I think.
10
My fellow and I, both divorced, in our late 30s, and together for 5 years, have no plans to marry. When people ask us why, I simply tell them that for us, the loving choice and commitment is made everyday when we make the active decision to continue to stay with each other. Getting married makes either of us legally required to be there, so to speak. We feel it's a stronger sentiment of our love and commitment to not be married because we choose the love honestly and openly. Will this change if/when we have a child together? ( He has a son from his previous marriage). Probably not.
3
Similar to the author, my non-husband and I were happily together for over 15 years and felt no need for a piece of paper to validate our relationship. That changed when we started retirement planning in our mid-50s and discovered that we couldn't leave our pensions to anyone but a legal spouse! When are we going to update archaic rules and regulations premised on a family model based in the 1950s?
120
It's not necessarily archaic rules, but the legal requirement to provide financial support to a spouse (or ex-spouse if qualified) that make pensions available to legal spouse and not others. If a couple are not married (including common law in certain states), they have no legal obligation to provide for one another.
If it is a pension that you funded entirely on your own, you should be able to designate anyone to have the remainder of whatever is in the account after your death.
If it is funded by an employer, usually plans are set up so that it could be paid only to a spouse or ex who you are legally bound to provide for (and vice versa) or pay support to. That's why some pension plans (such as federal and other govt plans) require that if an employee chooses not to leave a portion of a pension to a spouse (or ex-spouse where marriage lasted a certain number of years - often 10) is required to relinquish their right to a portion of the pension.
In the case of federal pensions, if someone dies before their share of money input is paid out in form of a pension, the left over money is paid to a beneficiary as designated. Again, a current spouse or qualified ex-spouse would be first beneficiary unless they had relinquished that right. (As an aside, I worked with a gentleman well into his 70s, who refused to retire because his ex-wife would get half of his pension. He had cancelled all insurance and was just hoping to outlive her. )
6
I'm thinking the author is overlooking the most salient aspect of their relationship- the elephant in the room so to speak. ....they do not have children. THAT is the big choice they have made, and it drives so many others, including, as other readers have pointed out, many strong reasons to get married. I always tell newlyweds, with conviction, marriage is easy; but do get back to me before you decide to have kids . THAT is forever...This is also reflected in the increasing numbers of divorced adults , unsurprisingly, over the age of 65 who choose not to formally marry again- I suspect this trend and "freedom": will change as the Woodstock generation hits senescence and discovers the practical and emotional benefits of being actually legally "married" - social security., Medicaid and savings are rapidly being outstripped by the cost of living, and nursing homes care is simply pricing out more of us.
18
We are about to begin our 30th year together as a blissful unmarried couple and we are convinced that the legal and emotional pressures of marriage would have been stressful enough for us not to last this long. As the author states, we "choose" to be together each day, week, and year, which makes being together more meaningful and special than a contractual agreement.
9
Good read, very elegant and thought-provoking. And one of those provoked thoughts is, "It seems they did not have children together...wonder whether children would have changed how they think about this...just conjecturing." Whatever the reasons, they're lucky to have each other to love and hold.
5
Just because you chose not to get married does not mean that is the way for everyone. History shows that monogamy and families create a stable society. People committing themselves. Saying you don't have to get married means you leave the option open that you could leave, which means there isn't a total commitment. That's not a judgment, it's just an observation. Commitment means, I'm not changing my mind, and I make that commitment today for the rest of my life. It's the choice I made in my marriage, it's the choice I make in my faith.
9
But they ARE monogamous, and they ARE a family.
Also, she never said it was for everyone.
8
You assume her relationship is less committed than your marriage. You are being judgmental when you say there isn't a total commitment in her relationship. Getting married isn't the only way to show commitment. Also in marriage, there is an option to leave. It's called divorce, and it's exercised quite frequently as evidenced by the divorce rate. The author never said it has to be her way for everyone. You seem threatened by her choices that she and her partner made for themselves. You can believe in your way, and let others believe in their way. As you say, it was your choice. Your choice doesn't have to be the way for everyone. Live and let live. You want to marry, great, do so! Others don't want to marry? So be it, it's none of anyone's business anyway, and their choice to not marry should not require societal validation or justification.
6
I think the mistake in asking what it "means" about your previous time together - it means nothing to it. It does not invalidate anything.
Meaning is internal, you've already defined your intent, commitment, and desire to cohabitate. The only thing you don't have is the power of law protecting you in a myriad of situations.
It sounds more like you just don't want to become normies, the tryharders, because as long as no paperwork is signed no one ever has to admit to any failure at a future date because they never signaled any intent on paper.
But getting all of the personal upsides without also getting the legal protections simply isn't a wise choice for two people who have intertwined themselves emotionally and financially at that level.
I'd argue that the government shouldn't be in this business in the first place, but that wouldn't change all the other countries lagging behind in social modernization.
I imagine a distant future where people can live for maybe a thousand years or possibly infinitely - and in such a paradigm it is surely absurd to think that you're going to pick someone in your first 30, 50 or hundred years that you actually would like to spend eternity with. I assume polyamory will be the default in such a situation.
4
I understand why many people will have views on the question raised by the author. But, really it comes down to this: If she wants to get married she should, if she doesn't she shouldn't. Her choice as it is for everyone. To each his (her) own.
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Yes, until kids are in the picture. It's not just about you. And wouldn't it be lonely if it were?
The secret to a happy marriage is to behave as if you are on the same team, and feel it. Even when annoyed about something. Absolute commitment to each other being ok and thriving as much as possible.
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If what held you back from marrying was bad credit, it's too bad. My husband and I are buying a new house today -- a house where I'm the only person on the mortgage because I'm the one with the income and credit history to support the mortgage.
As for "committing to each other every day" -- well, we do that too. It would be easy for one or the other of us to walk away. We have no kids, we could divvy up our cats and (for the time being) we'll own 2 houses. But we don't.
We stay together for the simple reason that we still believe after almost 14 years that we are better together than on our own. We made promises to each other -- publicly -- to stick together. And for us anyone, having that tie made us work through some things that might have caused one of us to leave.
PS -- you're probably aware that for legal purposes, your lengthy cohabitation may already have created a common-law relationship that gives you the financial protection of marriage in your state. However, if you own property, you really should consult with an estate attorney about whether you'd be on the hook to pay inheritance taxes. You'd be surprised at how that works.
28
Kind of an ugly answer. The article wasn't about you. It was about them.
10
"you're probably aware that for legal purposes, your lengthy cohabitation may already have created a common-law relationship that gives you the financial protection of marriage in your state."
The author explicitly says "We live in California, which means we are not even common-law married." Your comment is unfortunately not that helpful.
6
In a community property state, both of your names would be on the mortgage.
I don't agree that staying with a person for more than 20 years means you believe in marriage - or even believe that life is better in a pair than it is single. I think it means that staying with THIS person is better than being single, and that you believe that being with THIS person is the right thing for you. Although divorce is common these days, marriage has always meant a promise to stay with the other for better OR for worse - even if being single again would be better. I don't believe you have made that promise, and I commend you for it.
9
The idea that there is a "secret" to marriage is pernicious, vacuous even. Look at the variations in all the marriages around you and there's clearly "no one size fits all" pattern to the successful ones and the not successful ones. And even what constitutes a "successful" one -- does staying married for 50 years in an antagonistic relationship constitute success? Likewise, whatever behaviors help make the successful ones more successful tend not to "secret" -- we all pretty much know things people should do (should avoid doing), including to keep trying when things are difficult.
9
Making a choice every day is quite different than making a choice for life. After 40 years of marriage I'm glad I chose the latter.
156
BUT a choice for life is actually lived out by making a choice each day.
1
I like this column, I just think it's poorly titled. I never wanted to get married but when we decided to have children my husband felt very strongly that they should be born in the context of marriage. In retrospect I agree that it has been beneficial for them - and also for us. But this piece is really about love, acceptance, commitment, life partnership. Those of us who have managed to create this with another person are blessed, whether or not we are legally married.
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I was with my girlfriend for nine years before we got married. It wasn’t a priority and we weren’t forced into it when we finally did get married.
But I love calling her my wife. I love that we got to profess our love and commitment in public, in front of the most important people in our lives.
My feelings for her didn’t change and our lives didn’t change all that much. But it was an unforgettable day. And we got an awesome toaster oven.
248
We got a new answering machine (for my mother), and went to see Tilda Swinton in ORLANDO. Memorable.
The reason, after 12 years "not married" was she would have no say in my medical care going into hospital, and I did not want my Catholic "keep him alive until God takes him" family making that decision. So, it has been 25 years of actually "being married" and it did not change very much--joint tax return, the hospital stuff. Life and love is day-to-day, and I still think government should have no say in how you live your life, single, couple, triple, etc. Health care for all, per person, taxes fair for all, per person. But--children--now there's the rub--who "owns" the kid(s), who must pay, who gets to decide--whatever? Managed to dodge that bullet nicely, thank you. We just lowered the eventual world population by two...
3
I agree with Thomas; it is a piece of paper that provides benefits. The paper isn't the commitment; that is in your daily actions. AND if you got married, you could have 2 anniversaries: the real one and the paper one. (Mine are 41 and some other number that I always have to figure out.)
5
After 21 years together, you are already married. Not in a common law sense, but in the commitment and love you have for each other. And you have been married for all that time. So, getting "married" now is no more than a secular legal agreement, a contract. And official marriage can provide you with around 1,000 legal benefits. View it as protection, almost an insurance policy. But listen to your accountant. Do it. Get married. You don't want to be in a situation later in life where you are unable to provide for Hans, or he for you, because of the archaic proscriptions in the state laws.
And, after another 21 years, you may find that this decision made sense, after all. Don't be afraid of it now. Just be aware of what the consequences would be if you don't do it.
Enjoy.
280
But the author doesn’t trust or believe in the benefits anymore than a govt. issued document. I find the author’s reasoning to be oddly stubborn. Why don’t they want to make their lives easier? They can still not wear rings and even pretend themselves that they’re not married (just like the author’s flexible responses to the marriage question). I think if you put it in straight financial terms her peculiar logic comes into better relief: Accountant: You’re paying too much of your monthly income me to your mortgage. There happens to be a convenient solution to lower that payment. No one needs to know. Author: nah, I’ve been paying this way for 21 years...why change? (Shrugs)
5
Or you can have a will and legal powers of attorney written up. I agree that if you're having children marriage might be easier. Other than that, I don't see it.
I remember thinking like the author when I was in an unmarried relationship that lasted more then six years. And then we got married. And on our first anniversary, we both said at almost the same moment: if we had known it would be this much better, we would have gotten married years before.
The author doesn't know what she is missing.
125
That's great that marriage worlks for you and your spouse. It doesn't work for everybody.
7
...or maybe everyone's experiences with relationships are different and the author isn't "missing" anything. Why introduce needless sanctimony? Isn't there enough of that surrounding the idea of marriage already?
13
Wish you could tell my boyfriend this. He thinks marriage is a trap and that it’s a ball and chain. Almost everything I’ve heard men say about marriage is that it was much better than they thought and they wish they had done it earlier.
1
Thank you for this beautiful and witty piece!
31