As a young social worker years ago, working with the elderly, I was surprised at how just under the surface, and painful the loss of a child still was. It didn't matter that it was 50 or 60 years ago, the tears fell so easily. As an older mom of an only child of 19, it is a fear that is always there. It is every parent's worst nightmare.
23
Fourteen years ago, my wife and I lost an infant daughter and toddler son, together with my wife's mom, when our family home inexplicably caught fire. My wife and I were at work, and for some reason her mom wasn't picking up the phone. No cause was ever determined definitively. I remain broken in ways that cannot be fixed.
My heart does out to anyone who has lost a child, and especially those who have lost more than one.
49
As a bereaved parent for over 35 years and a grief therapist for close to 40 years I agree - the trauma of having a child die does not go away. So much of psychology's focus through the years has been to to bring the suffering of those who mourn to some resolution. The intensity of feelings may change over time but there is not a resolution. I share my experience in my book "Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss". I encourage those who grieve to know all the feelings they experience from their loss is an intimate story based on the love and attachment they had to their loved one who died. Grief is not an illness to cure or a problem to resolve but a story to embrace.
22
Firstly, my condolences and heartfelt sympathies to Mrs. Giotta and Mr. and Mrs. Koontz. Only those of us who have suffered this unthinkable loss can truly understand the depth our souls experience.
I lost my sweet, loving, kind son 2 1/2
Years ago. He suffered relentlessly for 15 years with schizophrenia and chose not to live this way anymore. He was the bravest young man I have ever known to have put up with the constant torment in his mind. No meds, Dr.s, hospitals, could alleviate his pain. While I know people try to be kind and sometimes say "well, at least you have 2 others", that's not helpful as it diminishes the life that has been lost. I've been lucky to have wonderful support through family and friends, but it was clear many people find the death of a child, particularly a suicide, most uncomfortable and don't know what to say. I've written articles addressing this issue and received great appreciation from readers who just didn't know how to handle talking to the grieving parent.
Briefly, there really are no words when trying to comfort a grieving parent. But ignoring the issue is worse. A small note, a tight hug, even saying "I don't know what to say", is better than avoiding it. You have no idea how a look in the eye and a squeeze of the hand, can mean so much. And even a visit, just showing up and being silent if you're not sure what to say, says what you mean.
48
Toby, I am so sorry for your loss. We, who have lost children, belong to a heartbreaking fellowship. Through our mutual grief, we can help each other.
11
My mother is 89 now. Five years ago she lost her youngest daughter, my sister who was 53, a year later she lost her son, my older brother. That same year we moved her from her home to a wonderful community. The love and support of so many others dealing with all the challenges of aging was the best thing we could have done. Yes, she was depressed, but she had the bravest cohorts drawing her into conversations, activities, into sharing. It was tough on my sister and I. We went from being a large family to a small one. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry about losing my sister.
20
My only sibling - my older brother by one year and one day, passed away December 1, 2016 of asymptomatic heart disease. He died in his sleep. He was 50 years old. Three weeks later my mother died of double-hit lymphoma. I believe, after losing her only son, she lost her will to fight. The devastation in her eyes will always bring me great sadness. My father is 82 and now we walk the journey of grief together. For me, there are a lot of tears and for him a lot of prayers - we hold our memories close and tight. But grief is complex and often very lonely. I would like to learn more about these stories and what others have sought out as useful references and support. Thank you NYT for telling Anne's story.
23
My brother died when he was four. My mother never recovered. She tried, for twenty-seven years. She raised us, she worked and helped a lot of people, but his loss killed her. She was a doctor. She wrote the prescription for the bottle of pills she used.
For those here who lost a sibling, I found the book The Empty Room helped me a lot, decades later. It addresses losing a brother or sister at multiple ages.
29
I lost my younger daughter when she was 14 through parental alienation. It was almost 10 years ago, and we have had no relationship since she and her father moved out. I missed all of her high school and college years (I found out where she went to college on Facebook). She has never answered a card or a letter or a text. She has not accepted any gift. Her sister will not talk to me about her.
I have finally begun to recover in the last two years. I live a pretty good life now, with a home and a job and a good relationship with my remaining child. But I have not experienced a single day of joy since the break. I have not been glad to wake up in the morning since that time. I do have faith in God, but my more immediate higher power is an antidepressant. Every day I feel the effect of having my heart soaked in cortisol for these many years. I am soon to turn 60, and I doubt very much I will see 70. The way I assess emotional risks is to remind myself that my heart is already broken.
Well-meaning people say to me, "Well, at least you still have hope." Believe me, hope can really suck! Every single morning, "Is this the day?" Every single night, "No, not today."
There are no rituals to help bear this loss, and no companionship. There is no vocabulary. And there is the constant knowledge that others are thinking (as I used to before this happened to me) "Well, you must have done something wrong."
I no longer seek out death, but I will welcome it.
16
I am so sorry, December. Losing someone you love through alienation is torture. Having to ask yourself, What did I do that was wrong, how did I hurt her? and not finding any answer from self or others is torture. I hope you find the answer and reconciliation soon, and peace.
9
My sister lost her first baby at birth. She got to hold her for a few minutes. We'd been waiting and waiting for her, named her, couldn't wait to see her; and then she was born and then she died.
My sister never recovered. She married, had lovely homes, two beautiful, intelligent, loving daughters, many animals; her garden.
Last year my niece had her first baby, the first grandchild. She is so beautiful.
A few days later my sister hanged herself.
13
I am so sorry.
17
Oh that is so sad, Sophia.
12
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child.”
― Jay Neugeboren
67
Good point.
We hear even less about losing an adult child.
Nearly two years ago, my devoted 46-year old son, who had never been sick before, died after a 19-month battle with bile duct cancer, a rare cancer. He left 18-month old twins and a three year old. He was in the prime of his life, a successful and hard-working businessman, beloved by all who knew him.
I still can't think of him with tearing up, and I think about him everyday. The loss to our family cannot be measured. HIs wife now raising the three young children alone, even though we all try to help as much as we can. But as much as we all suffer his loss, our lives go on. It is his life that was cut short, robbed of enjoying everything he had worked so hard to achieve. That to me is the biggest tragedy.
Still, we have tried to turn our grief into something positive. Over $200,000. has been raised in his name by his many friends and family to support research into the deadly cancer he had.
20
When I was 22, my first husband, 26, died of cancer. His mother refused to have anything to do with me. She forbade his younger brother from having anything to do with me. I was left to fend for myself. I was in a deep, dark hole for 10 years. Eventually, I remarried. Our second child, a son, also died of cancer, at age 17. I knew it was coming and armed myself with an anti-depressant, which I believe is saving my life. I swore when my son got sick, that if I had to lose him, I would not...no...I COULD not spend a huge chunk of my life in that darkness again. Help was available and I took it. The pain is never gone, but at least I can function.
63
I will never forget the morning my father, a widower and who, at 92 years of age, was awoken at 4:30 am by his dog revealing that a Highway Patrol officer was at the door with the bad news that my 46 year old youngest of the family brother had been in a fatal accident earlier in the morning. I was quite the shock, I have never seen such sadness and such loss in his eyes. He had me take pictures of my deceased brother at the funeral home in the casket as we did not have any contemporaneous pictures, and for years he would display non-stop in one of those electronic picture frames albums. When my other brother died last year, it was decided that we not have a viewing and my sister ordered him cremated (to my and my nieces shock) without any ceremony. I commented to my father that it was good idea to have four children, as he still has two left to take care of him, but my lamenting had little effect on him and on the sadness of the loss of my youngest brother years ago.
11
We are the products of our times. Before Modern Medicine, *most* parents worldwide regularly lost children. Concepts of "childhood" only came about when we could reasonably expect children to grow up. In too many parts of the world, inadequate access to drinking water, medicine, sanitation and education contribute to infant and child mortality. In San Antonio, maternal mortality is rising. I too would be devastated to lose my child.
18
I've only known one person who lost a child.
But he told me, years afterward, that the pain was still raw.
I remember writer Roger Rosenblatt saying how the death of his child had caused him to reevaluate his beliefs.
He said he became an atheist because he only have two options:
1) Believe that God is evil for killing children, or
2) Believe there is no God.
I chose 2) and I agree with him.
30
God doesn't kill children, if there is a God. I hope there is a loving God, but as I grow older, I doubt the evidence more and more.
16
My family can unfortunately relate to the story all too well. My 60-year-old brother died suddenly three months ago. My parents are devastated and I am the only surviving child. He was the older and the wiser, the peacemaker and the doer. Everyone looked up to him. Now I am left facing the future alone. It’s scary and so sad and lonely.
31
This rings true to me, also. I can’t put my shoes inside those of a parent who has lost a child. But I certainly lived most of my adult years with two of them. My older brother by 10 years, died suddenly at age 32, now going on thirty-three years ago. It devastated my parents, and my widowed mom through today. I as survive sibling always feel a sense of that survivor’s guilt, and that pressure my poor parents seemed to have to wrack their brains as to what they could’ve done differently that may have somehow prevented my sibling’s death, as well as to double-up the expectations, attention, and needs for and from me, the surging sibling. I wanted always that my mom and dad realized that, no matter what happened or didn’t, they were loving parents who tried and did their very best and that I know that my late brother felt very loved by them, as a result.
21
My deepest condolences to Ms. Anne Giotta and Mr. and Mrs. Koontz. To lose a child is to have your heart ripped out and put your soul in permanent suspension. It is an agony to be known only by the actual experience of your child's death. No book, no conversation, no article captures what every parent whose life was altered by their child's death knows. I have worked as a grief therapist for over thirty years but the loss of my own child, Katie, eclipsed every previous grief. I write articles and have a book. I facilitate a group only for bereaved mothers called "Mothers Finding Meaning Again" on Facebook. Why do I do this? Because I don't wish to drown in my own loss. I want to make the grieving world feel they can make it. We parents need ongoing support and compassion. What happened today in Las Vegas is a monumental nightmare. Please reach out to every bereaved parent you meet or know and do something lovely for them. Life changes in a second. Be a kind soul who makes a parent whose child has died better. Don't be afraid, be brave, reach out. Kindly, Mary Jane Hurley Brant
43
I was looking for deep insights in this article, but it is a potboiler of statistics and proclamations drawn from a pool of obvious observations. This article is symptomatic of what has been happening at the Times over the last 15 years...too much writing to fill the endless voids of the virtual world, and the printed page...and too much writing that is really bush league in quality. Sorry to be critical, but that's how I'm calling this one.
8
May you never know the sorrow of burying your child. There can never be enough words and sometimes words are all a person has. Try having
some compassion.
12
I thought the article called attention to an issue most people don't think of, really. I have in-laws who lost a baby to SIDS many years ago, and this article opened my eyes about losing a child later in life. Both are tragic in their own ways.
11
Such harsh criticism, for an well-written article about a difficult subject that is rarely discussed. I'm glad she wrote it and I'm glad I read it.
13
Much to my regret I never married so I don't have any children. I am a bit too old fashioned to have a child out of wedlock. My sister did get married though and she has two daughters. I can tell you her whole life has centered around those two girls. They were so spoiled that as they become teens they were horrible to my sister and did things that hurt her immensely. Still she loves them and I really believe if one of those girls died the shock and grief would kill my sister. I am the primary care giver for my mom but even if I died before her I have left money in the form of insurance and retirement accounts with clear instructions to my brother on how he is supposed to handle it. First and foremost he is to liquidate the home mortgage. Then he is to to take ownership of my home and move in to take care of our mom. After she dies he can do whatever he wants with the assets. Let's hope we never have to put that plan into action!
10
I lost an 17 year old sibling to stray electricity in the water in 1970. My parents, both combat WWII vets (Army nurse; soldier in 3rd Armored Div) somehow persevered. I always wondered how they held it together all those years. I guess life is fleeting and a gift. I have lived my life quite differently from my peers as a result.
21
I have almost no family. Lost most when I was a young child. Add abuse and neglect to the picture. I don't have children, so cannot lose one. The loss of a child must be searing and devastating; I am always struck by their beauty and fragility, and feel a pang of worry. There are so many of us who have experienced unspeakable pain and unbearable loss and elicit no sympathy or empathy, because we are invisible. Like those from the news, in devastated, war-torn foreign countries.
51
Been through this myself. Only in America do we seem to have the expectation that just the good things will to happen to us in our lives, and that there is something abnormal and fundamentally isolating about the rest--possibly from the relentless marketing and advertising--while most of the rest of the world expects hardship and heartache as fundamental to living a complete life.
34
Yes, during times of hardship many so-called friends and associates scatter.
11
Dear God, to read this on the day of the terrible shooting in Los Vegas! There is so much sudden new grief that will emerge from this event - the dead, and wounded both...
I am beyond words...
24
I suspect a lot of us are feeling that way. We all carry wounds as it is, and seeing the devastation in Puerto Rico and fearing for the people there and of course for the victims of fires and floods and Irma and Harvey; but now the shooting - and this reminder of life's fragility -
It feels, lately, as if the very pillars are shaking.
7
Last September, my 84 year old father died of complications from heart surgery. 6 months after that (almost to the day), my youngest sister died at 50. She had been mis-diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and Myasthenia Gravis (by some of the top hospitals in the DC area), but shortly before her death she made it to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN where she found out that she had Multiple System Atrophy (MSA), which is pretty much what it sounds like. She traveled so far, even in terrible pain and with constantly fracturing ribs, because she wanted an answer for her 13 year son as to what killed his mother.
My 83 year old mother was a rock through my dad's hospitalization, driving into NYC from her home in NJ every day for a month to see him. And she traveled to MN with my sister - I joked with them that sis had a perfectly functioning brain and mom had (amazingly) a near-perfectly functioning body. Between them, they made one full person.
My mom is slowly, inch by inch climbing out of the hole that, by her own description, she fell into after my sister's death. She doesn't cry quite as much. An artist, she has resumed painting, and this past weekend she completed her first new work since my dad's health started to fail.
But just yesterday, she said to me: "I still can't believe I'll never see the two of them again." I told her what I always say - that both of them lived very full and rich lives, and left their mark on the world. And I hugged her.
45
My husband died at the age of 51, leaving behind not only his teenaged son and me, but both of his parents. To be honest, his parents have still not recovered from losing their only son. For that matter, neither have I. The cause was cancer but it moved so quickly nobody had the time to process what was happening. It's been nine years and his parents have been slowly putting together the pieces of their lives. But it is clearly a pain that will never go away.
26
My son is a 34 yr old only child and his father died when he was 3. He and his wife have no children. If anything happened to him I would hope to die.
19
About 20 years ago, a friend and I went to Scotland and spent some time walking in an old cemetery. One large monument recorded the names of four brothers who were killed in WW1. As we were reading the names and the inscription, a man in his 50s came in to the cemetery and walked directly to a small stone. He knelt, hugged the stone and wailed. It was excruciating to listen to his pain. After many minutes he got up, wiped his eyes and left. On the way out we stopped by the little grave -- it was an infant daughter who had died more than 20 years before.
78
I exclaimed aloud on reading this, it stands out even among the other harrowing stories of grief here.
18
This is so incredibly sad. My heart hurts reading this.
8
Interesting quote from a bereaved Wisconsin couple-it almost seems as if they’re more upset at the thought of not having grandchildren and being the “odd ducks out” in their community, as a result than they are about their son dying, though maybe the quote was taken out of context. Even so, how did they know they would have necessarily had grandchildren even if their son had lived?
5
I can't speak for anyone else, but the way I read that aspect of their grief was that their hope for the future, and future happiness, died with their only child. Part of imagining the future was the possibility of grandchildren and the happiness that they might experience with their son. There are no guarantees, and it didn't sound like a demand, just a loss of hope.
34
I am seeing this happen in slow motion with my in-laws, whose son/my husband has suffered several catastrophic illnesses and is almost certain to die before they/I do. He lives in a nursing home now and is very unlikely to make a full recovery. They are in staunch denial about the severity and irrevocability of his illness, and will brook no discussion that he will not make a full recovery. Inasmuch as I can, while struggling with my own grief and likely early widowhood, I feel awful for them. They have now devoted themselves nearly full-time to his needs, have already been estranged for a decade from another child, and live far from the third. Their grief is entirely internalized. If they acknowledge it, they seem to believe, they will make the worst happen. I cannot do the same, for my children's sake, and for my own. I wish it were not so for them. I worry what will happen with them when he dies.
22
My husband and I each had uncles who died very young--they even had the same first name. My uncle, who died at the age of 16 from a heart ailment, was always spoken about by my mother and her sisters. My lone surviving aunt is now 86, and when I visit her she always wants to talk about him. On my last visit, she said that my grandparents were never the same, that in fact on his deathbed nearly twenty years later my grandfather said he'd been waiting for death since my uncle died. When my grandmother died the following year, she said much the same thing.
My husband's uncle died at the age of twenty. He is buried in the family's plot, but off to the side. There are no photographs of him, and his brother, my father-in-law, shot me down viciously when I inquired about him. My husband said that his grandfather also wouldn't speak of his uncle. In my father-in-law's obituary, it mentioned that he was preceded in death by his parents and wife--nothing about his brother. After the funeral, we found out why from an old family friend--his uncle was shot to death in a brothel, and my husband's grandfather never forgave him for that. When I read the part of the article about there being no casseroles or condolence calls when someone dies from censured behavior, I immediately thought of our two uncles.
32
Ugh, don't remind me. My father passed away at 44, and my then 62 year old grandmother could not cope at all. She has never gotten over it, and she has never let us forget it. She's grown more and more despondent as the years go on, even at 16 years passed she can't enjoy a holiday or milestone without bringing up the loss and pain she still feels. It makes life challenging for everyone around her, especially because no one is allowed to feel as bad as she does, being the mother who lost her baby and we are merely the grieving wife and children. Even with a husband (until he died, her fourth and he was old and sick so an easier transition), grandkids, church, community, doctors, anti-depressants, and netflix, she's as miserable today as she was the day he died. And now she's estranged herself from former step children, the daughter in law who supports her entirely, and some of her grandchildren because of it. What a mess. It feels like I've lost a grandmother as well as my father in his death, and I have no hope at this point that she'll get better.
19
Frankly, sounds like a narcissist.
8
Thank you for sharing your story, Alison. After reading the article and most of the sad comments here, your story resonated with me and, dare I say, made me smile just a tiny bit. ((Hugs)) to you.
3
Hopefully you will never share the grief of losing a child . So until you experience this unthinkable grief, don't judge. Educate yourself on how to speak to people who lost a child, and I'm sure you'll be embarrassed by your thoughtless, cruel comment.
6
My mother, who lived in another state, suffered from cancer for several years, but told no one in the family until after her mother's (my grandmother's) death at age 91. She knew that Grandma's greatest fear was that her children might die before her. I am forever grateful that my mother outlived Grandma, albeit by less than a year. If my mother had died first, I am sure Grandma would have swiftly followed her.
11
the pain is insurmountable. the answers never come. the guilt never eases. the fear never lessens. the panic never subsides. life moves on, but its muted, discolored and untrustworthy. my father is 94 and was 55 when my younger brother died. i found some consolation in the ageing of my dad when he couldnt remember how his son died. for a moment, for that one moment, i felt relief for the first time since i was 11 years old. there is goodness in forgetting. i didnt have the heart to not tell my dad the truth. i only hope he forgot again.
22
I'm only a year into this -- my son died suddenly a year ago. My husband has lost three, in 1963, 1993, and 2008 -- and has moved on far better than most described in these comments. I would like to think I'll get through this and learn to carry the weight, adjust to my new normal, and take genuine joy in our remaining two children and their four kids. These comments don't give me much hope. Sigh.
7
“I’m not ashamed anymore,” Ms. Koontz said.
The death of one's child is painful and difficult in its own right, but for a parent to feel ashamed or guilty because of their death is insurmountable. It breaks my heart when I read that any parent feels either responsible or ashamed. I think the expectation and "natural order of things" that parents will out live their child or that a parent is always responsible for their child, even if that does not make sense, cognitively, emotionally, what parent doesn't feel that way, deep down? Sometimes, arguing with God helps keep one sane after the loss of a child, regardless of their age.
18
My husband and I also lost our son Michael, in December 2015. He was 30 years old and struggled with addiction. Although outwardly I seem 'okay', I know I never will get over this searingly painful loss. I wake up to it and go to sleep with thoughts of my son. Our family is irreparably changed. We do try very hard, however, to focus on our living daughter. God bless all who have taken the time to share on this topic and especially to Mrs. Giotta
47
I am so sorry for your loss.
14
I'm very sorry for the loss of your beloved son, Michael.
8
My brother died at 19. It changed everyone's lives in our already dysfunctional family. My parents had no skills for processing it as a unit, so it continued to reverberate through our separate lives in individual ways. It was awful.
When I read of the people who lost their very young children at Sandy Hook my imagination was that sane people would finally prevail in our broken culture. It was bad enough to lose my brother in a tragic and pitiful way, but to lose a kid to horrible unaddressed violence seems beyond reckoning with.
51
after loss, any change seems to be more fraught with trepidation - am trying to also recall the possibility of improvement as a means to redevelop an emotional cushion
2
There is just so much to say about this article. It is hard to even begin... or stop.
My wife and I lost our only child at 25 almost 6 years ago. We were both 60 at the time and are only children ourselves. What keep us together together is the strength of our bond and marriage. We have always been best friends and now the only ones who understand the other. We grieved differently but the outcome is the same- we're devastated in so many ways and not the same people we were.
Ms. Giotta is correct, this is not the "natural order" and "you lose a part of yourself". Everyone is supportive but, as my wife pointed out at the time and I now understand- everyone's lives move on. Our life is stuck.
Every item of his we throw out, no matter what it is, has no substitute because there is no future to take its place. Our thoughts are always memories that we fear will fade because there are no new memories. If we do not talk about him and keep his memory alive, there is little to no conversation regarding him among friends/relatives. Everyone's life moves on, building new memories, grandchildren, you name it. Nobody is being heartless or cruel but so much else is going on in their lives that his presence fades and less in the forefront.
A friend asked my wife if she would feel not having grandchildren. Her response- I didn't have enough time with him to even think about grandchildren. I think that says it all.
56
Sweet heart.
7
Dear @ArtM from New York,
I don't know why, but I can't stop crying after reading your personal, emotional, touching and heart wrenching post. Your son was so young, too young. You and your wife are so young to endure such intense pain and loss. My brother's daughter was 13 when she died from cancer 8 years ago. He and his wife did the same thing about throwing out a lot of her stuff. But they did keep a few personal items because it was just too painful to throw them out. They keep these things in a cedar chest, at the foot of their bed, and on every anniversary of her death, they revisit those treasures for it brings them bittersweet memories.
Sometimes my brother would say that he and his wife feel "stuck" in a nebulous cloud, being unable to move forward or backwards because they had no other children and often times said their daughter was their miracle baby. Some days it's difficult to just get moving and get by. They still believe she was a miracle, just not one that lasted as long as their hoped or assumed. It's easy to feel robbed and cheated in this life, but my brother always said he would take 13 years or even 13 days of sweet memories of his beautiful girl any day than to not have her in their life at all.
Please note that I grieve for you both and if it were possible, I am sending you both the biggest emotional hugs I can muster. Take care of yourselves. You both are in my heart and thoughts.
20
Thank you for sharing your story. Now, you have told the world. I hope that is something of a comfort to you.
God bless you both.
7
Over the last five years, my mother lost her oldest son at age 61, another of my brothers lost his son at age 30, and my aunt just lost her son at age 45. All medical conditions and two of them expected so allowing time to say goodbye, which is one small consolation.
All the parents are, of course, devastated, as I was at my brother's sudden death. It's shocking how grief takes over your life - it's like a heavy cloak that weighs one down and throws itself over your shoulders on its own time schedule. It gets lighter as the years pass, but it's always hanging in the closet just a thought away.
My sincere condolences to all those sharing their lose here.
19
"To have a child die before you, at any age, upsets what we all consider to be life’s natural order" was never more apparent than when I was employed as a counselor for an agency that "granted" wishes to terminally ill children. Working with so many parents who had difficulty comprehending their child's health and eventual fate was one of the most painful positions I ever held. So many of the kids were tougher and more stoic than most adults I ever knew. Every parent I encountered said their life was irrevocably changed and the loss, the sadness, the emptiness was always with them. I never forgot the melancholy or grief my mother felt her entire life after losing her first two boys shortly after their births. To this day, I can't imagine the courage, the inner strength, and the will to continue after losing a child - regardless of the age. Parents who have survived this tragedy are people I not only admire, but find strength in their ability to keep moving forward, as difficult and painful that is for them.
18
This article rings true for those of us that have lost an adult child. Your family unit is completely shattered. It does take a terrible toll on ones family. You are never the same, I believe it triggers similar symptoms of PTSD.
16
When my aunt died suddenly in her early 50s from metastatic cancer, it upended the entire tight-knit family order for my 80yo+ grandparents and the remaining 5 siblings. This aunt was a nurse, without her own children, and had evolved into the designated caregiver for her parents, going so far as to live with them as their health began to fail. She was also their key estate executor having managed a family business for decades before her death. This was several years ago and the family dynamic still isn't the same. I will never forget the pain I saw in my aged grandfather's eyes as he thanked the family and friends who had done rounds at my aunt's bedside before she died so she wouldn't be alone, perhaps because his health and my grandmother's were too poor to be there more often. So much is undone with the death of an adult child.
42
Where did Ms. Span get the idea that people who never had children "formed the extended social networks that childless people often depend on"? While people without family need "extended social networks," the unfortunate reality is that too many of them (along with the rest of us) lack that resource, and have great difficulty obtaining it.
In youth, people without children miss out on social networks formed around their children's schools and the parents of children's friends. In old age, they can feel excluded when children and grandchildren are the dominant topics of discussion and bonding.
People who never married (another "growing cohort") also face exclusion from potential friends at work, church, and volunteer activities. Married people tend not to welcome single friends, even if they're not occupied with their own families. And singles who marry often abandon their single friends.
It might be most accurate to say that when an older adult loses a child, the trauma is exacerbated by being suddenly thrust into the isolation people without children have had a lifetime to deal with. Or else they're forced to confront the isolation they've had all along, but believed their child shielded them from it.
Isolation and loneliness are serious problems, as damaging to health as obesity and smoking. But as our Leaders have seized on the criminal justice system as the facile solution for all social problems, they simply ignore any problem incarceration can't solve.
32
One of the things I remember from the podcast "Serial", which revolved around the death of a teen-aged Korean-American girl, was them saying that, in Korea, there is a saying: "When a mother dies, they bury her in the ground. When a child dies, they bury her in her mother's heart."
Now that I am the father of two small boys, that saying is just unbearably sad to me.
31
My 2 years younger Brother died in a Jeep accident, while serving in the US Army. He was my only sibling. My Mother has never been the same, we still cannot speak about him OR look at his pictures without crying.
Almost daily, I sincerely wish that I had been to one to die. Life is a drudgery, with few pleasures. And yes, I am medicated. The worst thing anyone can do is speak about " Gods purpose" or some such drivel. THAT infuriates me. I go out of my way to show simple, common courtesy to people. I always give small amounts of money to people that ask. My greatest pleasure is handing cash to the clerk at the store, when a person in line is a little short. Why??? Because I , or you, can't know what a person has been through. Being helpful, and useful, helps ME.
89
My heart goes out to you. My condolences.
15
Sorry for your loss. Although different circumstances, it reminds me of how unspeakably cruel Trump was to Mrs. Khan, when she said she couldn't speak at the Democratic convention.
17
The death of a child is the most painful and confusing thing that happens in this world.
27
My daughter died over three years ago from a brain tumor. Her behavior had been erratic for many years prior and we didn't understand why she acted the way she did, often angry and uncommunicative. We look back, don't we? We try to figure out the why's and the what's, but no matter, we still miss our child. I miss that little girl I sent off to kindergarten, the girl I went backpacking with, the girl who loved her high school boyfriend, the girl I drove to college. Those memories are really wonderful and help me get through the why and the what.
It's part of life, I tell myself and others who ask how I'm doing. Had I not had her at all, I would never have experienced this profound love. I have plenty more love to shower on my son and his little family, but I do get a bit nervous at his mention of a headache or a long driving vacation or a flight to anywhere. Does this sound familiar?
53
Always be the one to die first. Lost my husband three years ago in an accident; grief is a journey that never ends. The thought of losing one of my children or grandchildren is just not feasible; I cannot even imagine it as the pain is too much to bear. Death is preferable.
18
Platitudes, opinions and advice are meaningless to an older woman who's lost her only child. Two years ago one of my dearest friends, unmarried, lost her 50-year-old son, her only child, to a sudden ravaging disease. After a "normal" period of visible grief, to the outside world today she still looks and acts like the unsinkable Molly Brown she's always been. But as her closest confidante (apparently the only person in her life who's still willing to listen after 2 years,) I know that her soul and spirit died the same day her son did. For her, there are no tomorrows, only the same one long un-ending day ahead. Some days her grief is as raw and fresh as on the first day. She keeps functioning, working and smiling, but she's dead inside, and I'm not sure that she'll decide to keep on living much longer. It angers me that anyone would be audacious enough to advise her on how she should be feeling or what she should be doing. She's doing all the right things but still experiencing quiet eternal suffering, and no one can judge her until they've been through it themselves.
73
Saw this headline and had to read on...we lost our oldest daughter at age 33 to an aggressive cancer. At some level, we (my husband, her husband, our two daughters and son) all knew she probably wouldn't beat it, even though she did go into remission for a while. But the truly gracious and kind manner in which she carrier herself every day through it all, I think allowed us to think everything would be alright, that surely God would hold and protect this young woman, wife, mother of a toddler, who had always tried in earnest to do the right thing, and often chided the rest f us accordingly. Why did God not see fit to allow this wonderful, beautiful person to remain with her son, her husband and family? Her death was four years ago, and it might as well have been yesterday; the loss of, and separation from the baby I birthed and loved dearly is still very fresh. Most days, I am now able to focus on the days we shared with her growing up into adolescence, launching a successful journalism career and becoming a wife and mother. There are still those times, however, late at night when I still feel real anger at God for letting my baby go through this and taking her. And on most of those nights, I am able to get myself to sleep by knowing she went held tightly in her husband's arms, as he prayed over her. So we all just go about our days now, trying to live our new normal as joyfully as she would want us to. Some days are easier than others.
48
Another very common thing is that married couples, even those with solid relationships very often break up when their child is severely injured or dies.
There can often be financial difficulties resulting that can upend their lives too.
The difficult part for the surviving parents is having people, even those who don't know them well, constantly asking them 'how they are doing'. Be sensitive about this when approaching someone who has recently lost a loved one. Especially if you are not close to them. Who has the time or energy to respond to that question. Respect their privacy, particularly in public places.
22
Unacknowledged here are the parents who lose children through miscarriage, which is about the most difficult death to quantify. There often is no funeral, no memorial; it is a nebulous grief that those who try to offer support really don’t know how to address — so they offer passing, uncomfortable condolence (if anything at all) while parents mourn the irreplaceable loss of a child they will never know and a future they will never see. Often, they suffer in silence.
While the pain does ebb over time, it never really goes away. This was your child, and you do miss him or her, even though you had never met. My two sons would have been 19 and 20 this year.
21
My grandmother lost her first two babies. She went to the hospital to have her second baby who was stillborn. She could not reach anyone reliable to care for her 2 year old beloved daughter at that moment. She left her with the next door neighbor who was known to be unreliable. The two year old died from having been fed spoiled milk by the neighbor. These were pre antibiotic times and dysentery could be fatal for toddlers. She went on to have 9 more children. But she was said to have crawled into bed for over a year catatonic with grief. She refused to even look at her 3rd baby and insisted that her sisters care for her. She was eventually returned by her sisters who said after six months; " This is a beautiful, healthy child and she is your baby. You need to rise out of this." This was about 90 years ago and people were expected to soldier on. The relationship with that child was never good. The child grew up to have a good education and a commendable career but there was a lot of emotional damage. The 8 that followed -Wold War II generation young adults - all showed signs of having been emotionally neglected. My grandmother was in other ways high functioning. She kept an orderly house, was president of many civic clubs, was a leader in her parish, dressed well, read the newspaper, promoted her children's education. She even insisted that the girls go to college which was not yet usual. But she never recovered her peace of mind. Some comments here reflect only luck.
32
I will never forget the day as long as I live. It is clear as day to me today as that day some twenty years ago. It was a phone call from the doctor we sent our son to who was experiencing pain. That pain was the result of a cancerous tumor. That day was the beginning of a journey with different paths for my son and I.
My son faught a courageous battle. He would be dead four years later.
I went from helping him fight the battle, to desperation and finally to depression.
To repeat an ongoing mantra, it's not supposed to happen like this, we should not outlive our children. Yet their it is. My son is dead.
I cannot change that. It is part of my life, and I have come to accept that, painfully. It is futile to buy into "deal with it, it will get better," some well meaning suggestions.
I was an emotional wreck after my sons death. I am still emotional now about his death, but focus on the wonderful years I had with him. Do I have moments of extreme grief, of course.
I can still see his beautiful smile, but have forgotten the sound of his voice.
The pain endures, but the smile does also, and that renders the pain useless.
30
This was perhaps the hardest thing to read in this piece: "Neighbors and friends don’t always step up with casseroles and condolence calls when someone dies from censured behavior." Life is difficult enough--must we classify death?
97
Middle aged Americans - white- death are increasin, especially women due to substance abuse and suicide. Middle aged blacks have had higher mortality for some time due to DM, hypertension heart disease at least in part related to less access to healthcare. Imagine the numbers if Mitch et. al had been successful.
5
I have four children, ages 4-24. It is my most ardent wish in life to die before any one of them does.
5
My 43 year old husband died in a car accident. He was an only child to his widowed mother. We live in the same city as she does. Sadly, she never accepted me in the family and was generally rude and unkind toward me. I can only bear to take my 3 children, her only grandchildren, to see her 2 or 3 times a year. Her tone toward me has changed but I have a long memory. If she had been civil to me, she would be invited over more often, we would visit her more frequently and she would be more a part of our family than what she seems like, a distant relative we sometimes visit. I tried to be the bigger person but could not get past the memories of her disrespect and hurtfulness from so many years. I just can't do more than I am doing. Also, she was a miserable grandmother when my children were very little, not at all warm or loving, so I don't think my kids are missing out. All she wanted from grandchildren were photos to give her bragging rights over her friends. It still has never occurred to her to offer me any help now. I know she very much wants to be see my children frequently and be more involved in my family, but I just cannot forgive her for all those years of mistreatment. And, as a sole parent to 3 teenagers, have enough on my plate without worrying about anyone else. What I have learned from this is that I will make a huge effort to get on well with my children's future partners. You never know with whom you are going to be left.
35
Do you think she would respond to a frank kitchen-table conversation over a bottle of wine? Just you two women talking about life?
6
My eldest sister, Maria Mercedes, was almost 3 years old when she unexpectedly died. Our parents kept her memory alive with her only picture and humorous stories about the happy little girl with curls, who sang and danced into their hearts. They protected us from their grievances and taught us to love each other because "there is nothing more tentative than life."
17
We lost our beloved eldest son two and a half years ago, at the age of 30. We were both 61 at the time, and in the very depths of our early, heartbreaking grief, we took solace in 2 things: that we had him 30 years; and that in having lost him at our "advanced age" of 61, we were spared what we felt would be the unbearable grief of losing a child when we were younger......facing what could be half our lives...or more, living with such crushing, unabated pain. Our pain extends to knowing his brothers. and his lifelong friends, too, will sadly have the better part of their lives to suffer his loss and attempt to find peace in their own lives.
14
I sought solace in many places after the swift death (from cancer) of my 34 year-old son, who left behind a two-ear old son and a loving wife.
I found only one writing that has been somewhat helpful and I meditate upon it every day.
It is from an English translation of "Agamemnon" by the ancient Greek tragedian Aeschylus. The phrase which captures my plight and provides some insight is: "...even in our sleep, the pain which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart; until in our despair and against our will comes Wisdom through the awful grace of God."
I think it reminds us that death is part of the human condition and that wisdom will come with time. It doesn't come easy. That I know.
56
Thanks Ben. I find solace with your post.
10
Lost my youngest son, 35, Jan 2017. It is a very difficult journey. He died after major heart surgery. He was my rock...my go to person. It is totally not the way it should have been. There is no "new normal" at least as far as I can see.
27
My parents lost their youngest child at 47, my sister, who lived close to them and spent most Sundays in their company. They were 80. My mother did not make it through this, pitching forward into a depression/dementia that never lifted. My father found meaning in providing care for my mother who he always treasured. He also transformed his (home) office into a shrine to my sister, with many of her most treasured objects on display. He died at 88 from a fall, while my mother lives on at 89, lost in the fog of dementia. Their life was divided in two: before and after. I am grateful for their long lives of considerable goodness and joy, but mourn their last hard days.
76
I almost lost my 22-year-old son to a brain tumor nine years ago. For a year, I cried every day, lost 40 pounds and was severely depressed. Miraculously, he lives yet, but every day is a gift and he may still succumb before me if not from the regrowth of the tumor then from the side effects of treatment. I'm not sure now that I'm a senior citizen, I would be able to cope. It's that devastating to lose a child. What do you call that type of parent? We don't have a name for it.
22
I'm going to start calling this out on every article where I see it:
Was this article about racial issues? No.
Were any "black" people interviewed for this article whose commentary is included in this article? No.
Why point out that this particular negative phenomenon affects black Americans at "far higher" rates than white Americans? INSERT ANSWER HERE.
23
1. Demonstrates the range of human experiments 2. Demonstrates a health disparity between African Americans and other Americans.
Is that sufficient for you? The health disparity is significant to public health researchers and medical professionals.
40
Thank you. It's always like this in the Times with Blacks. Subtle liberal racism.
4
What in the world is the matter with you? Do you think it just doesn't matter if an issue affects blacks worse than whites? Your comment is senseless, and heartless.
20
My daughter died in 2011 at the age of 38 from alcoholism. She went through a divorce and her life was tailspinning to a life of homelessness and mental illness. She had two children, which the father alienated from their mothers family. I rarely have any contact, and thought when they were older I could rekindle a relationship, but it probably won’t happen. I lost my daughter and also my grandchildren. I cannot visit the past, I can only stay in the present to manage the sadness and depression of the loss. It’s not a club anyone wants to belong to. My heart goes out to those who have lost a child.
116
I am so sorry for all your losses. Don't give up on your grandchildren, please. Family dynamics are complicated to say the least, but ideally, working a reasonable schedule of visiting should be a priority for all parties.
24
I'm so sorry.
8
So sad. Deepest condolences to all who've lost a child.
16
My father died at the age of 36. His parents--both of them--lived another 25 years. They never recovered from his death, but they did allow themselves to care for me and my siblings most lovingly and cared for our mother as if she was their own daughter. Moreover, true to their heroic characters, they welcomed our mother's new husband almost 4 years later as their own son, and his children as their grandchildren. But my grandfather in particular was depressed until his own death at the age of 93. It truly violates a law of nature for parents to have to witness the suffering and death of their children, and I believe it is a most singular pain.
128
When my father died my brother and I were not surprised. He was 75, had been seriously ill 21 years earlier and survived by sheer luck. I think we were not surprised because of things he was saying to us. To me he kept on saying that life wasn't any fun any more, that everything was hurting him, etc. He didn't look right any longer and he wasn't the kind of person to go to the doctor. After his illness he hated doctors, medications, everything associated with illness. But his loss was expected and not out of time.
Someone at my workplace lost her daughter when the child was 10 years old. It was completely unexpected. It was her youngest and last child. She was an absolute wreck for at least 6 months. Another woman I know lost her son when he was nearly 60 and she was in her late 80s or early 90s. He was an only child, a widower, and left 2 children of his own behind. But she was shocked too. However, she and her husband were able to say good bye to him in the ER. He died from a tear in a main artery and there was nothing to be done but to say good bye.
I think that Americans do not handle death well at all. We don't handle the very real need people in mental pain have by reaching out to them, offering them an ear or time. The worst thing about my father's death was not his death; it was the lack of sympathy and understanding from people I knew. It's as if we don't know how to relate to each other at all when it comes to grief of any sort.
61
Yes of course the death of a loved one can have an impact, the more you loved them the greater the impact. That said there are ways to deal with that impact and it is a choice if you dwell on the bad or move forward and keep the negative out of your life.
2
If you think depression is a "choice," please do a lot of reading of reputable sources before you go around telling depressed people they're just dwelling on the negative. Please.
36
So what you’re saying is, people just need to get over it.
10
My grandmother had a son and 4 daughters. The son was killed by a granade while training in the army in Brazil. He was 18 years old, the firstborn. She used to say that the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it.
24
Our son Jay was murdered in September, 2006. He was 21, and just starting his senior year at university. After a month long trial, and a million dollar plus defense, the young man who shot him was convicted and sentenced to 27 years in prison.
Fast forward ten years. We have been through numerous appeals, all of which were denied. The latest was earlier this year, and we expect more. All of this in spite of the fact that we approved a plea bargain that would have resulted in a 12 year sentence, which the defendant’s family turned down.
During this ordeal we have had amazing support from family, friends, our church, our community, and people we do not even know. After the murder I thought we should probably see a counselor, in the event any of us had future coping issues. The first three psychologists I called said: “What a tragedy, I am not qualified to deal with this.” And they would refer us to someone else. Our younger son developed sleeping issues, so he followed up with several additional sessions.
We have survived pretty much intact. Our 47th anniversary comes up next year. Our younger son graduated from Stanford with an MS in bioengineering, is happily married with a one year old son whose middle name is Jay.
And I try, at least once a week, to visit the columbarium where our son’s ashes reside, to have a few minutes of peace remembering him and the many adventures we had.
Peace to all impacted by the death of a child or loved one.
161
My family of one daughter, one son, and my husband lost that son one day by drowning on the Columbia River as he was windsurfing, one of his favorite sports. I was 63, my husband was 66, my daughter was 41. Damien was 35, very athletic, and very kind. Oh yes, he was also very handsome.
The shock of receiving the horrible news that our son had drowned was delivered personally that evening by our local sheriff. I could not believe it. My first comment just came out of my mouth, "God took him". Of course there was shock, unexplainable pain, the worst I ever had, and duties to attend to. We went to Oregon and saw our son's dead body in the mortuary. I think I wept most of the next 3 years. Since we believe in the words of Jesus Christ that "I am the resurrection, and the life; he that believes in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live", we have hope and faith in Jesus that we will be reunited when we all pass over from this life to the next. I don't ask why? anymore. God has His ways and His timetable. The grief has lessened over these 9+ years, but will never go away, until we meet Damien again.
41
I am so sorry for your lost, and for all who suffer as you do.
23
This new myth that a parent losing a child is the worst and most painful kind of loss must stop. The worst and most painful loss is born by children who lose their parents--orphans, who just aren't old enough and articulate enough to write about their pain and suffering and muster resources to their sympathies. They are ignored and forgotten, but suffer their whole lives materially and emotionally from their loss. It's really kind of hideous how many articles like these exist and never one that talks about the pain of orphans.
When a parent loses a child the parents' lives are not completely destroyed, they are emotionally devastated, but they don't get their entire lives derailed onto a track they have no connection to being driven by people who very likely don't care much about where they end up. Orphans lose their only attachment, the only love they have ever experienced, the only people they know to trust. There are children who don't even understand what's going on in the world who are suddenly alone in grief and without anyone to love them through it or care about them. Many will never feel loved and safe again. There is a reason why the bible talks of caring for orphans and is mostly silent about the grief of parents. Orphans are the most pained from loss and it's time the media show concern for them; it's also time for parents who lose children to step out of the spotlight. The Buddhist parable on the mustard seed is a better place to seek comfort for their loss.
23
Wow, there's no grief contest here. This is just one article on a truly significant loss. You don't have to diminish the reality of it, nor can you negate it.
There have been and will be others written on the emotional loss suffered by orphans, which is obviously significant. Hopefully they won't be accompanied by comments similar to yours.
30
Ms. Katz, I can't and wouldn't assert some sort of hierarchy of grief, determining which sort of loss is the worst. I wrote about the deaths of adult children because this column, called the New Old Age, specifically focuses on older adults and their experiences.
Several demographic forces are making this scenario more common, as I wrote, and that has implications for elders' later lives and care. That orphaned children also suffer is indisputable, but not my mission here.
Several demographic forces are making this scenario more common, as I wrote, and that has implications for elders' later lives and care. That orphaned children also suffer is indisputable, but not my mission here.
50
This is not a new myth. Parents whose children die before their time suffer terribly. Just because they are adults when it happens doesn't lessen the loss. Orphaned children, particularly those who lose their parents at a very young age may be raised by relatives or, if there are no relatives to raise them, adopted or put into foster care. But their loss is not ignored. We have a framework to deal with orphaned children. It's not perfect but it's there. We don't have anything in place to help elderly parents deal with, or come to terms with the loss of a grown child. There is something terribly out of place when a 70-year-old parent outlives their middle aged son or daughter.
33
Re: "...To have a child die before you, at any age, upsets what we all consider to be life’s natural order. “You lose a part of yourself,” Ms. Giotta said..."
I have repeatedly, interacted with parents of 'newly-/- unexpectedly, deceased' children during my urban-paramedic career; It's DEFINITELY one of the most, (if, not, THE most...), unpleasant of experiences within that career track!
21
Imagine how "unpleasant" the experience of the parents is.
If you can siphon off some of that pain and offer some comfort to those in need, then that's a noble pursuit of which you can be proud. No matter how unpleasant you may find it to be.
7
My brother, age 18, died in his sleep of a brain tumor 52 years ago. I was 16 years old then, 68 now. I have a twin brother. My parents withdrew from everything, and they no longer socialized with friends and family. I guess you could say they were "frozen". And they had difficulty mentioning his name. They refused grief counseling.
After living through this nightmare for so many years, I decided to see a psychologist. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I had to reprocess the trauma that I had felt when I was 16. I finally felt overwhelming relief after living with the symptoms of PTSD for over 45 years. I only wish that my (deceased) parents could have done the same.
101
I'm not sure there even was anything called "grief counseling" 52 years ago. That was around when my own father died, and we were all expected to just pick up the pieces and soldier on. The less said the better, the fewer reminders the better, and yet I was unable to utter the word "cancer" until I was almost an adult. I remember saying Kaddish in Temple and crying, silently, as did my mother and my grandparents. Nobody said anything, and no one was supposed to. Times have changed, and in this regard for the better. I'm so glad you got the help you needed.
7
When Carrie Fisher died on December 27, 2016, at the age of 60 -- I asked my wife - who has two adult children of her own - about the unimaginable pain and grief which her mother must be experiencing -- and my wife said to me it's every parent's worst nightmare, and expressed concern for Carrie Fisher's mother --
Debbie Reynolds died the next day - December 28, 2016 - at the age of 84 -- of a broken heart...
32
I believe she had a stroke. One can die from a broken heart- Takotsubo Syndrome- but she did not. No doubt though, as you intended to point out, her death was accelerated by her grief which is a risk factor for cardiovascular death.
2
What has happened to this society to allow it to be so very disrespectful, and hyper-characterizing, and worse clueless?
How much more disrespectful can one be, especially one who is no spring chicken herself, than to refer to an older individual as 'old' or 'old-old', etc.? I had an aunt who lived to be 103 years of age and, recently an uncle who died at not quite 93, who were both active and articulate and full of life until either drew in their last breaths. Both of them had fuller lives and far more experiences then most of those who are far younger than they. And they knew that death comes to us all, some sooner than later. Both had grieved the death of spouses and one grieved the death of two adult-children. Had any dared to call them 'old-old' they would have gotten the very rough side of the tongue of the one disrespected.
As for the suggestion that we who grieve the death of a young child simply replace that child with another is the most disrespectful and insensitive statement in this while essay. It is as odious as the petitioners seeking to adopt a child to replace the children never born in their lives while allowing th court to steal that child's identity and to keep him/her ignorant of their DNA inheritance, including sibs and extended family.
My son was not conceived or born to replace his sister who died four years before his birth. But both of my children were the first to come into my life who resembled me, the involuntary adoptee.
9
I don't think the report suggests replacing a deceased child with a new birth. It has stated earlier that older parents have "pragmatic" concerns and count on help from adult children. That said, I admit it is impossible to put the difference in a properly sensitive manner.
9
Amazing to me how self absorbed people are in these comments. Not every Op-Ed printed in the NYT has to be about you, your problems or your beliefs. What ever happened to human compassion and empathy? This is an article about a woman losing her grown son, the pain that resulted and how SHE coped with it. Get over yourselves, open your heart and just TRY to understand. I hope the Universe surrounds her and her family with love.
96
I disagree. I believe that while people who suffer may not suffer less when they hear about people's similar suffering, it is still emotionally helpful to know that one is not alone with one's grief and sorrow. In a sense, even if you cannot see or feel or know specifically about your connections to others, they do exist.
18
I disagree; I believe she wrote the article so that others could share and the world at large would know how very painful many of our lives are when you lose a child. If you haven't walked down that road, it's difficult to empathize. Try.
14
My younger brother died at age 30 of a drug overdose. My mother was 60 then. We were all devastated but my mother never recovered from it. She started taking sleeping pills to get through the night which she continued for 20 years by which time she was addicted until she suffered a massive brain hemorrhage and went into a coma for 4 years before she finally passed. I read her diary and she had written to my brother, "Forgive me and wait for me, I'll be with you soon."
24
God was not responsible. There are scientific reasons why his death occurred. They should have been studied by medical specialists who cared for him, and they should have communicated their results to you. And you needed to ask for medical understanding.
7
Jane, a small reminder: the best scientists had and continue through the ages to have belief in God by whatever name they choose to call their creator.
By the way, your remark is as pretentious as it insensitive. You are in no position to know what Mrs Giotta was told regarding the circumstances under which her son died, nor do you know the questions she may have asked or what her understanding is.
No matter our belief systems-god or no gods-we who suffer the death of a child rail and wail at the fate that dealt the innocent child and we ourselves a heavy blow. More children outlive their parents than don't, so that when the exception to that occurs, some have great difficulty readjusting to a life minus that child's presence.
17
As a parent who has lost a child at age 18 to a congenital defect, I can tell you all the medical reasons why and how, but I still ask God why. I still tell God that while I am grateful for the 18 years we had, I would have liked another 18. Medical understanding does not preempt faith! I find you comment harsh.
29
There seems to be no empathy or compassion coming from you in your comments. Maybe you are one of the fortunate and have not suffered any losses yet in life. Or maybe you don't allow yourself to put yourself in other people shoes and understand how they feel. Or perhaps you just don't let yourself feel.
2
Seen this in my own life as a child, when my parents had me 18 months after the loss of the previous child. The overprotectiveness in how I was raised and I'd guess also some of their depression had to do with my ghost sibling. And as a grown adult, I was almost killed in a car accident by a reckless driver. One of the hardest parts of my recovery was trying to hold it together when I was feeling fragile because she had a bit of a breakdown a couple days after the accident. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just that I was almost killed, but in almost losing another child. Especially the one who came after she'd already lost a child. The one silver lining is that the feelings of vulnerability on both sides has led to some opening up of emotions and closeness that we never had when I was younger.
39
My youngest brother died in an accident when he was just 28. My parents were 56 at the time. Years later I was stunned to hear my father, who always held his emotions so close to his vest, confide in a relative that after my brother died, he'd wait until my mom went to work and walk from one end of the house to the other, screaming and crying. My brother's been gone for 30 years. My dad, for 12. Thinking of this still breaks my heart.
206
My first husband and I lost our second child in infancy 50 years ago. It was devastating and not a day goes by that I don't think of him and wonder what he would be doing had he lived. I grew up in a large family and wanted to have more than one child. Because of a blood incompatibility that would never be. Most people were sympathetic, but couldn't understand why I "took it so hard." (My mother-in-law said "Well, it's not like you really knew him.")
His death made me feel the death of my mother, when I was 17, more keenly. I had a brother who died within days of his birth; my mother would have been the only person who would have known the deep pain and that it would be with me forever.
The pain is not acute anymore, but it's there in the background.
86
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your child.
17
Dear Margie,
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Your story struck home for me as I had a blood incompatibility with both my sons. I was closely monitored. These days they have treatment for this and both my children are fine.
Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for the medical and scientific advances that allowed me to have children. I am so sorry it didn't come soon enough for you. I sincerely hope it is of some small comfort to you to know that now mothers like yourself are being spared this pain.
5
Would the emotional pain be somewhat more bearable and less life-threatening if the U.S. was like other affluent nations in taking care of its people? For a work-related project, I recently researched countries with the healthiest and happiest citizens. Among nations that came out on top were those whose people are cared for in old age by their government. The U.S. was not among them. Although population homogeneity used to be the excuse given for the better standard of living in these countries, influxes of refugees have made their populations more diverse and this excuse no longer holds up. We need to face how primitive and selfish our great nation can be when it comes to meeting basic human needs for our elderly.
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As far as the older parent's loss of a child that was already or would eventually become 'caretaker', this is one more reason why, in many ways, I feel lucky to have always lived alone, and with no mate/children. It may sound 'sad' to some, but I have had to be totally self-reliant my entire life and cannot relax for one minute, insofar as I know fully well that there is no one I can lean on whenever the urge may strike me. That's not to say that I don't have a wonderful family of siblings and nieces/nephews, or that I don't have wonderful friends. But...it's just not the same as when one has a spouse or children who are often a part of your day-to-day life...who you either talk to or see most days, who stop by the house, etc. Living as a single in NYC, most interactions with friends are 'planned' and sporadic. I suppose things might be different if I were born in NYC, and also had family here. But alas, most of my family live in Massachusetts.
Anyway, I feel that in many ways I will 'survive' much better than those who've grown accustomed to having someone else to lean on....to depending on someone most of the time. I've never had that, but feel I am stronger and more resilient for it.
62
Good for you!
8
Only a question unrelated to me ( no children ) .
If someone's son or daughter is convicted with a life sentence, is this considered death ?
In a way I think it is .
15
You can still visit them at the prison, if you cared too.
10
When Dean Martin's son was killed it was said he never recovered from it.
15
Paul - I recall reading the same thing after Dean Martin passed away, that he was so distraught, so heart broken, he never recovered from his grief or depression. I can fully understand that level of despair and pain.
2
My sister is one of those elderly women who lost a child. But in her case, it happened almost forty years ago and the child was stillborn. She never recovered. The event not only left a hole in her family but it affected her behavior permanently. Her over-protectiveness towards her 'replacement' child left her with a lonely husband who knew he could never fill the void, and a college-educated middle-aged son who has never worked and never left home. He's safe, but he's ruined.
Grief. A destructive and sad force.
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But a force that can be worked through and used as a vehicle for growth and developing compassion. Someone mourning a stillborn for 40 years is not grief, it's pathological depression and should have been treated. Our culture telling parents that their grief is the worst and unrecoverable from is part of what locks parents like your sister into her grief--because we've created this myth, parents who might otherwise move on to be happy, and loving parents, feel that abandoning their grief betrays how bad they're supposed to feel. It's a terrible cycle and it shouldn't be considered noble or normal to stop living, stop caring for others, because one has suffered this one particular type of loss. You can't compare adult grief over the loss of someone beloved and declare that one is more worthy of sympathy or hurts more. The idea that parents losing children is "unnatural" and that is the reason for prolonged grief is absurd. What of a husband who's wife is murdered? Is that not also unnatural and understandably devastating? Comparing pain the way this article does and the way commenters are serves no useful purpose at all, and in the case of your sister, probably has contributed to losing out on 40 years of life in order to continue kindling the fires of her grief because that's what she thought she was supposed to do, or no one ever got her the help she needed because they accepted that as normal. So very sad.
11
Ms. Katz, for the parents I know who've lost a child, it certainly is the worst thing they've gone through. I do not think you, or I, or anyone can call it a myth. And no one is saying it isn't terribly devastating to suffer other profound tragedies.
14
I agree NorCal Girl. My mother lost 4 of her 11 children over her life time. What made her pain all the more extreme is that she was 24 when she married and began to raise a family. Her own mother died at the age of 36, when my mother was only 11 years old - no sisters or aunts or grandparents. Just herself, her older brothers and her dad who was mean, cruel and heartless. So, with all due respect, please do not begin to compare and/or judge the kind, level and degree of pain and grief one feels and experiences due to the death of a loved one, especially that of a child - whether that child is one hour old, one year old or 30 years old. Thank you.
12
When I was 37, I lost my favorite cousin to ovarian cancer. She was 47. The next year her father died, cancer was everywhere in his body. My uncle's family had a history of cancer deaths, but to this day I remain convinced his daughter's untimely death hastened his own. My aunt, who died a few months ago at 96, was frequently seen staring off into the void. I knew what she was thinking. I'm not a religious person, but still I hope they're together again.
14
This hit me in the gut:
"Rising rates of drug-related mortality and suicides in midlife are making early deaths more common among whites (blacks have long experienced premature deaths)."
So casually tossing out yet another factor that has wreaked havoc in African American families and communities. And so casually indicating another case where it's not so study-worthy until it's white people affected.
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Not to down-play the disparities in healthcare between whites and blacks but there are lots of studies on earlier mortality in African Americans. It is a well documented phenomenon. Part of it has to do with the fact that until relatively recently, clinical trials and studies were done with white men and then data were extrapolated to AA and to women. Then somebody decided to check and found out that woman and men are different... and not all e.g. blood pressure medications work the same in all people. Now we are getting more data for what works better in these "other" groups. It will take time to catch up but hopefully analytics and population health will accelerate the process.
11
Thank you for drawing attention to this. As though the long term suffering of African-Americans makes their pain less noteworthy.
I'm not black but this struck me as a racist aside on the part of the writer.
8
Religion is not a "crutch" to those who believe.
16
True...it is a good thing like two glasses of wine. However when you go to the third glass or more it becomes abuse.
I know, I was abused by religion.
20
Poignant and thought-provoking as usual, Paula. My maternal grandmother was 21 when my twin aunts, then aged 6 months, died. A month thereafter, my grandfather died, leaving my grandmother grieving with a 4 year old son and a baby girl (my mother) in untero, plus an ailing father and sister. My mother had mental problems and she died when my grandmother was in her early 60s, still caring for her sister (which she had done her entire life). Her rock-solid Catholic faith kept her going and, while I am not religious, I always felt it was a blessing to her. She lived with grief but she also lived with love in her heart and laughter on her lips. She was amazing. I have a friend who died at age 97 having outlived both of his children and two wives (including my dearest friend who died at age 58 of cancer). Life really is a challenge one way or the other.
20
My husband and I lost our only child 17 years ago in a car accident. I was 2 days away from my 47th birthday when the accident occurred. I am 64 now and although things have gotten better my husband and I will never get over this loss. So much happens after an event like this; there are both physical and emotional tolls that are hard quantify and some of these never go away. To be old and have this kind of trauma may be something a person cannot recover from. I totally understand Debbie Reynolds passing away only a few days after the death of her daughter Carrie Fisher.
204
My heart goes out to you.
8
I have a son with schizophrenia. Someone described this as mourning that never ends. No cards or casseroles for this either.
173
I understand your situation. Mental illness holds such a stigma...your struggle is a lonely one without others in your situation to confide in. I hope you find some support from NAMI or other groups in your community.
32
So sorry. It seems like we don't even have the vocabulary to talk to or offer sympathy/help to parents of those suffering from schizophrenia (among other disorders), but we should. The chapter about schizophrenia in "Far From the Tree" made me so sad.
6
Everyone who has been through it - as have I and countless others - must find their own subsequent way through this ' vale of tears' (as Abraham Lincoln called it).
17
How traumatic is the loss of a loved one, parent, spouse or child. I imagine the loss of a child is particularly hard because it steals the parent's hope and vision of a future after they themselves pass away. The Lord provides us a hope and a future. Isaiah 46:3-4 promises us that "to whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and carried since birth, even to your old age and gray hairs I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." When we lose the ones we love, the Lord provides comfort and rest to us.
12
Amen to that. Isaiah 35:12-4 also references things that never happened or were said by fictional characters made up to control us as well.
5
Death of a loved spouse also brings lasting trauma. And, yes, there are people out there who loved their spouse.
18
Of my aging relatives who have experienced trauma - from the death of a child, an abusive spouse, wars, or other sources - many appear need to work through the trauma as they get closer to death. Do their souls need to make peace with what happened? Is it a cognitive sorting out? Do we need to change the way we deal with unresolved trauma as we reach our last few years? Who knows? Others may find acceptance and resolution earlier in life and others may never have the personal resources to deal with the pain. There are many good questions to explore.
13
Our son, Jacob, died in his sleep at 43. Now, 7 years later, his daughter is to be married. We do not have a relationship with our daughter-in-law, since their divorce, years ago.........dr. Says I'm not well enough to make the trip to Israel, it is very long. And expensive, too.
It's so painful to know that Jake's kids live on, one boy and one girl, thank G-d, and we cannot hug them. Paper grandchildren and I only have one photo of them, grown up.
The untimely death has lurched us into old age. Poor health. Bad choices? Grief is not good for your health.
May you be inscribed in The Book of Life, for this coming year.
76
Thanks for this article. I'm sorry for this woman, sad for her to lose her son and apparently someone she could count on in a pinch - her safety net. It may be that her circumstances will now have to change to live closer to another child but what about those of us that don't have children or spouses or family? We have no safety nets. My cat will probably be eating me before anyone notices. I don't want to think about it but it does happen. People have direct deposits and auto withdrawls to make things easier but that might not help someone realize somethings wrong. It's possible no one will care enough to even check cause they are too busy with their own lives. This article and situation makes me feel we should have a National Registry of some kind where people can sign up to be virtual adopted children/parents and get matched to a local person. Just calling people who are alone to check in on them maybe even give them a ride every now and then, a birthday wish, change a light bulb etc.. I'd be happy to adopt a parent as mine are gone. Maybe this would be a good way for people to help take care of each other and pay it back if you will. SAD state of affairs we have these days with many misplaced priorities like what kind of car you drive, clothes you wear or latest iphone model you have. We are capable of so much more!
135
Not having children is not the same as having no safety net, unless a person has not made connections through life. As was mentioned in the article people without children may be better equipped to survive in old age than those with children who have died. I have an 87 year old neighbor with no children whom I make a point to call frequently, though I have to say she's such a pleasure to be around, she has no lack of callers and visitors. I have no children but am blessed with nieces, nephews, godchildren, and friends I make a point of spending time with. Not with the ulterior motive of having them care for me in old age, but because I love them. Also, as an RN who has worked in Nursing Homes, children are no guarantee that you will have family there when you need them.
47
I've had the thought of an adoptive parent exchange many times, but mostly from the perspective of orphans who never got to have an adult relationship with their parents and feel the grief of their loss their whole lives. Perhaps feeling empathy for orphans would help these parents realize that their loss isn't the worst possible. Buddha told a mother in grief over her dead child to go collect a handful of mustard seeds, but only from homes that had not experienced loss. She couldn't find a single seed to bring back to him. As an adult, you can make a choice to understand that grief is universal and any great loss of someone we love can devastate us, but that is the nature of loving and loving is worth the risk of loss. An orphan doesn't understand her grief or loss, which is the only love they have ever known.
5
Missingout, It has been done. In the early 1950s my mother had a part time social work job in Dayton, Ohio, running a volunteer operation called "The Friendly Visitors Bureau". The volunteers got some training and then were assigned a "shut-in" whom they were to visit periodically. Mother's job was to debrief them by phone after they had made the visit and to coach them. I don't remember a lot of details as I was a toddler at the time. [I did learn at age 3 to answer the phone professionally when she was tending to my infant brother.]
If you look around your community you may find there is something similar. I would start at your local United Way. Or Google.
2
In no way to I want to minimize the grief of parents that have lost a child. Fortunately, that has not happened to me.
But - I think it is relevant to remember. Prior to the 20th century, virtually every parent buried children, probably 1/2 of them.
And even today, outside of 1st world countries, I would bet that burying a child is still a very common occurrence.
55
Are you trying to bring comfort to the bereaved by your observations? Statistics do not make the personal loss easier. I know.
There is much historical and literary evidence pointing to the fact that parents in the past suffered just as much. A simple google search will reveal that parents in any country mourn with the same intensity.
9
Natalie, I don't think that is what rsercely is gettng at. The point is, this traumatic and devastating life event used to be---and still is in many places--a common event that most people went through.
The frequency of losing a child has been dramatically reduced due to scientific and social changes--a fact which, the last few years confirms, can easily be forgotten by some, with very negative consequences.
It is important to acknowledge this.
6
Yes MA. You have clarified my intent. Thanks
2
I've known far too many people who have lost a child and many who have lost adult children. My maternal grandmother lost all 3 of her adult sons before she died at age 87. She had recently lot her youngest son and said she now had no one to live for. Her three daughters took umbrage, but she explained that they had their husbands and children but that "her boys needed her".
I have two friends who have lost 40 yr old daughters to breast cancer - a horrible tragedy. Often, one also loses access to a grandchild at the same time - sometimes relationships with in-laws are difficult.
It's the very worst thing that can happen to any parent and my heart aches for my friends who have experienced such a loss. It's a pain that will never go away no matter how well they cope superficially. As my grandmother said, "It's against nature"...
48
I lost my husband to addiction several years ago. I had my own pain, compounded by the pain of our young children as I helped them navigate their grief. But the suffering endured by his parents was different. It was quieter. It seemed to blanket their very existence and subtly mute even the smallest joys of everyday life. They now live a dual existence of finding constant comfort in their son's memory and felt presence, and experiencing an excruciating sadness because he is physically gone. My heart aches for them.
179
Dear Lucinda,
my sympathies. The caliber of your clear soul to think of his parents in the depths of your loss speaks volumes. He had a finer kind: he had you. May you and your children live and thrive, in the clear bell of your soul.
" ..but what are we, without love in our hearts..."
Truly yours ,
Wolf Campbell
38
Dear Lucinda, I'm sorry for your loss. Your children are suffering more from the loss of their father than your in-laws, even if they aren't able to make it as apparent to you as they do. Your heart needs to ache for your children and you need to understand how a primary loss at that young age can impact them throughout their lives, especially with the added issue of addiction. You're a good person for caring about how your in-laws are doing, but need to think a whole lot more about what losing your husband means to your children and worry about that.
Julie, no offense intended, but does Lucinda sound like someone who needs your advice? The children are lucky to have a mom with such empathy and depth.
24
My greatest fear...
My son of 46.
I'm 64.
It could happen.
8
I am older (62) and my kids younger (19 and 22), as I had them fairly late in life. But losing one of them is nonetheless my biggest fear. Every time they get on a plane or do anything else that could be considered risky. Maybe irrational, but that's the way it is.
6
Greatest fear indeed. In fact I always think twice about reading an article that involves the death of a child. Sometimes I would rather avoid thinking about it.
2
It's been over two years since the death of our 43 year old eldest son. Sometimes I hear my husband sigh or he hears me sigh. We look at each other and know the pain is not forgotten.
254
A beautiful, poignant article, Paula. As we live longer, families shrink and disperse. You created masterful blend of hard data and compelling stories that draw the reader in. As for Herself (Anne, my ma), the religion she was raised with is a salve for her grief.
So was writing about her son.
Her grief is real. It is assuaged by religion and realism. She wants to live because life is for the living.
His name was Michael.
We miss him every day.
We laughed like hell, too, because, as she said, "Ach, sure, me and Michael in the New York Times! Can Ye imagine? He always wanted to be famous."
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," I replied.
"Aye," said Herself. "Sure it's about damned time!"
I've never seen a picture of my mother's exposed strength, until now.
She is a powerful life force.
She made a decision to live.
Thank you, Paula.
Thank you Misha.
237
Before the advent of widespread sanitation (running water, flush toilets, window screens, garbage pickup), antibiotics, childhood vaccinations, and other 20th century public health accomplishments, most parents could expect to lose at least one child in infancy or early childhood. Three out of my four grandparents lost at least one baby/child sibling.
Now, in rich and even middle-income countries, infant and child mortality is rare, *and* people are living much longer into old age. So now, parents outliving a child means "elderly parent outlives middle-aged child" - and that is completely different, historically unprecedented, and, I think, even more devastating than losing an infant, especially now that it's not the norm to have five or six kids and lose one or two. One could outlive a middle-aged and only child.
An excellent and much-needed article. Thank you, Paula.
32
It is beyond me that people who lose loved ones try to assuage their grief with religion. Religion is just a set of opinions; it doesn't do anything at all. The only way I know to deal with grief is to let it overwhelm you and cry your heart out. You will never get over the loss of someone you love, but you will come to see more and more how beautiful life was with them and how beautiful it is now because of their love for you and your love for them.
21
Larry, all I can say is that it is inappropriate (not to mention inaccurate) for you to instruct other people on how to live, how to feel, how to grieve. If you only know one way to grieve you don't know very much.
Anne Giotta knows that death is not the end, that she will see Michael again. That is much more than "a set of opinions." It is faith, and certainty. That you don't personally have that certainty does not make you right. From one point of view you might be a man who, having lived his entire life in the desert, does not believe in the sea.
71
Being an atheist, I'm with you. But each to his own way. Whatever get's one through grief. Who'd begrudge anyone their way of grieving a child?
86
I have to second Susan's comment. It's is highly inappropriate to criticize someone's grief and chosen coping mechanisms that are NOT harming you or anybody else. Just like you wouldn't want to be preached to about your dead loved one being called by God to the infinite, you should respect this family's way of grieving.
39