It is difficult to have such a bondage but it is worse to be without one, Elizabeth.
Several years ago I got an email from a former colleague back in the 90s. She told me another (former) colleague just lost his only child. The boy was hit by a car while riding his bike on college campus. The parents were devastated.
I have been emailing him (and his wife) around this time and on X'mas every year since. We just corresponded last week. He said their sadness has faded a little and they are trying to continue their life journey. I suppose they are not going to get over it but perhaps they have gotten used to it.
If life could be relative, even they are the lucky ones because they are still together. Losing a child could also tear a marriage apart. Sadly, I have also witnessed the drama unfolding about three decades ago. Sadly, the world ends not with a bang but with a never-ending whimper
1
I'm surprised you didn't get an exterminator. Flea infestations are nasty and difficult to get rid of without pros. I've been through it.
1
Lovely piece, but as a veterinarian it was hard to get through an article that included a flea infestation and no mention of a flea preventative for your cat. Adult fleas only represent approximately 5% of the flea population in your home. The other life parts of the flea life cycle can survive for months in the house with the right conditions.
3
I applaud the author for sharing her difficult feelings in an open forum such as the Times. I think that instead of criticizing her actions, we allow for a fellow human being to share her own personal experience without judgement. I think there is a spectrum of behaviors and feelings on the part of parents who sent their kids off to college. Some of us take it harder than others. I really grieved the first two of my kids going. Maybe the last two will be easy. Who knows? And about the fleas, I think it was part of the comic relief of the piece. I wish all parents peace, wisdom and a hug when they reach this stage.
4
Charming piece. Hope you "do some writing" beyond this short start and retain the natural flow. Kinda rare for me to get held by subject of flea infestation but the overall concept nails engagement.
Thanks for a nice offering of a positive slice of life.
3
Beautifully written. I'm not sure why commenters react with such vitriol about your struggle with separation. Both my husband and I had similar struggles when our two children left for college. Every parent/child relationship is different. There is no right or wrong way to "feel" when you watch your child move on...and your lovely writing elegantly captured your experience. I look forward to reading more of your writing. Best of luck to both you and your daughter!
2
Wow. I can't relate to one word of this article (except the parts about the fleas). When I left home (I'm an only child), I didn't look back, and if my parents missed me, they didn't say. What would it be like to have your mother miss you? Or to miss her? I wish I knew.
13
Sarah, I'm so sorry that your experience with your mother leaves you feeling unattached. Please believe me that this has nothing to do with you or your value as a person. Some parents have their own issues that prevents attachment with a child, and it can take time for the child to work through that. But please believe in your lovableness and importance as a person. You are worthy of unconditional love and you will find it and give it. The way you were parented isn't your fault.
1
Sorry, I mean: Sasha.
Beautiful!
7
This is a similar situation to the helicopter parent who has no life outside the child. Being over protective hurts the child's ability to function in an unfair and competitive world. This absence was no surprise and could have been planned for but it s a bit cringe-worthy thinking of your daughter saying to her friends, "My mom is nearby in a hotel in case I need help." Mom is the one who needs help. She presents a pathetic example to her child of a needy person. Instead of the fleas, get a boyfriend or a job. Just get a life already.
10
I kind of agree. Each of has our own life, and even if we do "share" our life with others, as we obviously do, so we are each largely responsible for our own "happiness." Still, when someone important in your life leaves it is sad. It can be joyful and sad, at the same time. Confusing and sad too, at the same time. But the helicopter parent is an unpleasant, grating, and oppressive image. For myself I have told the girls that there are no rules for them, because if there were rules they would occasionally break them, and then I would be expected to somehow punish them, which I don't want to do. In my view they seem to react positively to that, and they are both helpful and good to be around. I enjoy being with them. They are funny and sweet.
1
Helicopter much?
7
When our oldest left for college, I kept his room untouched, a shrine, for many months. When his younger brother left, I rearranged that room the next day.
7
The most proud, tearful image that is seared in my memory is of my daughter walking back, by herself, to her Montreal apartment, after spending the wknd at a hotel with her visiting worry-wart mom, aunt and grandma--(three blocks away from her apartment!).
She was fine, headphones on, on the busy sidewalk. We were proud.
4
My son went to college, my husband went on a trip, and one of my dogs died.
Sort of like the fleas. The other dog and I spent many nights snuggled together mourning. Eventually things evened out.
I was lucky, I had a job I had to do, that helped a lot. If I had to organize my time without that, it would have been much harder to fill the void.
6
I drove myself to college in 1971. So did many of my peers. These days, my 50 year old sister-in-law drove her son to college and also stayed over. Her 6'1"son! Mommies and doting Daddies need to face that seem to be moving backward as examples of mature parenting.
16
I mother is heart broken because her very young daughter has gone away to college. Another young woman is now happier because she came back to a home, a stranger’s home, from college. I never went away to college, my family couldn’t afford it. I slept in my parents living room while attending the local state college and working fulltime. Was I denied a great life-changing experience by not going away? Or did I gain more by staying close to parents who supported me without money, watching their daily sacrifices?
I think my own kid is going to stay nearby and get a part-time job. I could send him away, but I don’t have a clear reason why I should do it. What do you think? I'm open to your thoughts. Thanks!
9
You asked for advice....let him do what will challenge him.
1
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Signed, A dad with similar feelings now but no flea bites.
4
I helped raise my niece on and off elementary through college, living with me (later putting up with me) at home. During those years I missed her when I was at the the office. She's in her third year of Med School in Denver now. I still miss her.
9
Beautifully written and funny! I found it especially moving and reassuring to read of the good fortune of a fellow American who welcomed into her home an Egyptian student lodger whose generous, can-do spirit was a balm and a blessing. It's a great lesson to share at a time when our nation is losing out and shrinkingly spiritually as we indiscriminately exclude people like Reem, who come here hoping to better themselves and seeking an elusive sense of "peacefulness" and acceptance.
11
I remember when at the age of 8 or 9 my father all of a sudden would not take my hand in his when we were waiting to cross the street. "You're a big girl," he said. "You're old enough to cross the street all by yourself." I remember how hurt I was at first, but I looked both ways as I'd been taught and we crossed the street side-by-side.
As I grew older I was given more chances to demonstrate to my parents that I'd learned what they'd tried to teach me. I remember the first time I was given a pre-signed blank cheque, and how carefully I wrote in the correct amount that was to be paid to my school for some fee or another. I remember the first time I was allowed to go to a train station and book a round-trip ticket so I could visit--on my own--family friends who lived a couple of hours away. I remember being in a foreign city and allowed to explore on my own (I was sixteen) for the day, meeting my parents at the agreed-on time and place for dinner. I remember calling my father from a friend's home (this was long before mobile phones) to let him know I'd be home late--and coming home to find that he'd stayed up to wait for my return. ("I was reading this book and it's too good to put down" was his excuse. Yeah, right.)
And when it came time to leave for university, I left with confidence. My parents gave me every chance to succeed, and I am grateful.
22
Thank you, so moving.
My sons are 5 and 2. I tell them they are allowed to go off to college at State U, but then they are to move back to our home city and Mommy will choose their wives. So far they are agreeable. I aim to get away with this as long as I can.
10
So glad I'm not the only one.
1
I love these "Leaving my child at college" stories the NYT has been publishing this time of year. Each author has shared an experience from their own unique perspective in a beautifully written essay helping readers to feel less like a voyeur and more like a friend. The stories have relevance to any parent whose child marks adulthood with physically leaving home, but for many readers these stories simply recall lovely memories of their own first days at college or their own first days with an empty nest.
For those of us who are childless, the stories are a glimpse into another world like the countless conversations we listened to but could not participate in throughout the years. Yes, we did get our "revenge" with the news of high-achieving nieces and nephews as well too cute pets, but it was never the same. So we read these stories with a sense of awe and we wonder at the grief for a nest that is "empty" when the child is simply a text or a call away. Of course we think self-righteous thoughts about "helicopter parenting is so damaging." and "my parents simply took me to lunch and said "Good Luck!"
In these days of tumult, "empty nest syndrome" seems like such a "have too few real problems" issue. It is, however, a real issue with significant emotional impact for those who do feel grief when their child leaves home for college. And this collection of stories is a lovely autumn tradition.
21
Your comment is lovely. Thank you!
6
Funny- having had a magnificent college experience myself, I was excited for my daughters when their time came. We drove them to their dorms, helped unpack, went out to lunch and drove home in high spirits.
Until the youngest one. Okay, the fact we were dropping her off the afternoon before a hurricane probably added to the tension. We went home and hours later the storm came. The college had planned for it: food had been delivered to the dorms since it was unsafe to walk across campus to the cafeteria, and the kids had flashlights. I was, however, a madwoman walking around my now empty house worrying myself into a panic.
Long after the hurricane passed, I worried on. It made no sense: the first two had done fine and there was no reason to suspect #3 was any less prepared for the challenges of college. Finally my husband pressured me to really get a grip. Why was I so nutty the third time around? It made me feel old. Simple as that.
My mothering years had wound down, and I never again would have them living under my wings. How I had loved it. Truly. My moping was dopey, I know, because what is a mother's job after all but preparing the kids to be independent, productive, generous, hard-working and to strike out on their own.
But I did feel old, in a kind of wistful way. Now my youngest is in her third year of teaching and just completed her Masters degree. And I have found ways to feel young again. It was all in my head. My 60 year old body still has a lot of zip!
14
I am for from being a empty nester, but I have heard similar stories like this. Mostly it has been divorcee stories due to the husband and wife having their whole life revolve around the children, then once the kids bounce from the house the marriage is over. This is due to the marriage being a child focused home. I am a father of 4 kids and i put my wife first, and the kids come after that.
5
While I didn't experience the flea infestation, I understand the feelings of sadness and wistfulness associated with the kids leaving home. We did not take in human substitute; instead, each time one of my sons left for school, we adopted another dog. Three dogs are too many!
5
An entertaining read, Ms. Cohen. As a parent of twenty-somethings who are out of the house, and as a homeowner who has grappled with the flea problem, I enjoyed your article.
5
Articles like these are challenging for special needs parents to read. We see how regular parents are just so blind to the miracle of regular life, whether that be a child's first words or taking the SATs. Elizabeth, enjoy the blessing of a daughter who is going to college! She will be independent, wow! Our child will not be going off to college, in fact, we just had to face a judge to get full guardianship for him so he is protected from predators and making health choices that are too hard for him to understand. It has been a difficult milestone to face despite the need for it.
14
How can you be so blind to the miracle of being a parent? Many adults are imfertile and will never be able to experience the excitement of pregnancy or the birth of their child.
My mother "replaced" me with a student going to secretarial school down the street from us when I went off to college. I don't think it occurred to her how odd and removed I would feel coming home to someone else of my age living in my bedroom, but your story brought it all back. She probably did it for the money, but to me it was like Peter Pan seeing bars on the windows.
17
She was probably lonely. Get over it.
I read this & now I better understand what a mess parenting is for so many these days. Parents who don't know what they'll do without their children's presence; parents who stay for days in a hotel near campus "just in case" - GROW UP, PARENTS, and please let your children do the same. If necessary, depressed parents should seek professional counseling. If you have no self-worth other than as a parent, you definitely need help.
Fortunately, my mother was of the "bring 'em up and turn 'em loose" mindset. I went to college without any trauma on her part or on mine. Yes, I had to adjust, and I did! I knew myself to be competent to handle most things.
All the hovering, crying, depressed, clinging parents make me think two things: first, that they don't trust their parenting, AND second, that they don't have much faith in their children's ability to cope with the world. If you've raised your children the right way, this should not be so!
38
Agreed! I remember being surprised when my roommate's parents assembled her furniture and even made her bed for her. My parents stayed long enough to help schlep the stuff into my room, we had a nice lunch and they took off with no drama, crying or lingering looks (from them or me).
It's no surprise that my roommate had long, teary phone calls home - she even had her parents intervene in a housing dispute. Good grief. My parents would have laughed at me if I asked them to call the RA to address an issue I was having.
6
Your opinion of the author of the article is incredibly narrow and demeaning. It seems no matter what kind of parent a mother is, she's WRONG about something...or everything.. she does as a parent. Every family structure is different. Expression of love for children is different in one family than another. But almost without exclusion, it's mothers who are beat up for missing their children when they leave home...or not missing their kids enough when they leave. The author's sadness and depression are are a normal, short-term reaction to her adult child moving away into the adult world. For goodness sake, it's not as though the author moved into the dorm with her daughter and refused to leave! Park your criticism of this mom and her sadness about her daughter moving off into adult live. It is ok for parents to miss their adult children. It doesn't mean the parents / mother's are emotionally broken and young adults will be failures in life. Just STOP with the mother / parent bashing.
7
Better hope you never have a major life change hit you when you're single and basically unemployed. Ugh, I'm glad she made it through as well as she did, under those circumstances. She kept her sense of humor, too.
4
There is no mention of a husband so we are left to assume a single-parent household. In my family it was the father's responsibility to lovingly but firmly insist that the mother let go.
2
Ms. Cohen--My suggestion is to also introduce (if you haven't already) your own Jewish traditions and holidays to your new substitute daughter/roommate. You seem really excited about throwing a party for a Muslim holiday "right in my own little Jewish house." but don't appear to have any desire to exchange religious traditions. Why is that? Surely your new housemate/friend is just as eager to learn about your Jewish religion, right? It shouldn't be a problem--it's your house, after all. Or am I missing something about this story?
5
Good job, Elizabeth, on all counts!
18
Beautiful story, thank you!
16
Quirky, funny, and reflective.
12
I am a psychologist. Many the parent I "helped" deal with empty nest. Then my own two went off to college. And suddenly I realized what a fraud I had been. I had no real idea of the pain involved. I found myself saying to friends, "If I knew it would hurt this much, I am not sure I would have had children." And, of course, I survived, my children thrived, we all matured as we should. Soon it will be the grandchildren leaving for college. We are all deeply connected while living in different states. It is how it should be. I love them, and they me. Life is good. And I am glad no fleas were involved.
52
Yes, it is excruciating. My suggestion is to plan several years in advance for something to fill the void after your beautiful child leaves for their big adventure. This new activity should be something that is magnificently fulfilling, so it has to be totally customized for YOU. Do your grieving in advance, while your child is still around to hug, and when they leave, be ready to start your own adventure.
23
I see your point, but I did just the opposite--I waited until my child was gone before I grieved. I did not want to waste one second of our dwindling time together fussing over when it ended, as there would be time for that after it had. We were both moving on, both facing challenges, them no less than me. Any time I felt sorry for myself, I reminded myself that my child was going through the same thing--their world was changing in new, wonderful, scary, unpredictable ways. If they could do it, so could I.
8
Did the writer's daughter mind that another young woman was, in some sense, taking her place in the household?
Yes, best not to fill an empty nest with fleas.
Speaking of which...
At the risk of sounding overly practical + prosaic (and oblivious to the larger metaphor), I can tell you that, in my own experience, extreme vigilance through an abundance of lightbulbs-over-waterfilled-pans, vacuuming, fine-toothed fur combing, bombing, and flea-powdering did not eradicate our flea problems. (These things helped, but up to a point.) We found that the only way to completely zap a flea infestation is to successfully treat the pets themselves. Apparently the fleas in our area have become resistant to the classic topicals: Revolution, Advantage, and Frontline. But (and not to plug this product) Cheristin finally did the trick with our cats, thank goodness. Our vet tells us there's a new product (it might be Bravecto?) that lasts three months -- and has been getting good results. As for its toxicity -- and the toxicity of all these mainstream flea-o-cidal topical agents -- well, that's another conversation.
Anyhow, glad the writer was able to address both problems -- killing two flies, so to speak, with one stone.
13
It's Bravecto, and it worked for me. And you're right, the fleas have become resistant to the other topical treatments you mention.
4
I don't know about fleas, but we never delivered any of our five children to college (much less hung around afterwards). At 17 they were capable of getting there, and back, by themselves, in some cases abroad.
Always give children a little more independence and responsibility than you think they are ready for. They will grow into it.
51
Yes, exactly. I left home for college, 2,000 miles away, at the age of 17. I flew there myself. I didn't know a soul there, but I survived and thrived. And I was an only child.
Children will never learn independence when a parent refuses to let go because they "can't handle the emptiness." Don't these adults have a life of their own? It makes me wonder.
13
I drove myself to college my freshman year. My parents no more would have gone with me to "set up my room" at the fraternity than they could fly, and i wouldn't have wanted them to.
Staying in the same town with your college freshman for five days? Seriously?
4
Where, exactly, did it say she didn't let go as a parent? Or that her child didn't become an independent young adult? The author simply openly revealed her internal, rare experience of her daughter moving off into adulthood. Unless you've raised children of your own and sent them off into the world, you should withhold your opinion. You don't have the life experience to understand the view of a parent. Further, just because a parent drives their child to college doesn't mean the parent is squashing the kids Independence. Just STOP with the mother bashing. There's nothing wrong with a parent missing their child/ren when they move off into adulthood.
8
Such a lovely piece, Elizabeth! I don't have children of my own, but reading this brought me straight into your "Kubler-Rossian grief."
9
Great story, every empty nester needs a Reem!
14
I am so proud of my college-aged daughter and my son, who graduated college a few years ago and is happily living in Colorado. There are still occasional tears when I clean their bedrooms or find a decades-old Fathers Day card. But being their father was the most meaningful thing I have done in my life. I try to stay involved as possible and even receive the occasional request for advice. Last night, I recommended snow tires to my son. Life is all about change. But my love for my children will never end.
38
Amen brother-we are living parallel lives--hang in there!
1
1. I once got rid of a bad case of fleas in my basement by sprinkling a box of Borax around the floor-they were gone almost instantly. Would be a little harder to do on wood/carpet but if you are desperate...
2. The summer before my last kid went off to college, I felt each day tick off like a loud, slow time clock...the first week was hard, but I made LOTS of plans with friends, and planned projects, and redecorated...it got better eventually. Just have to live through it.
14
We all go through it. Those of us moms who let go their only, or youngest to the ravages of college and life. When we dropped our younger son off at Texas State University I couldn't breathe.. the dorm was OLD, his room-mate wore a size 13 shoe!, my son had a rocky first year, coming home every weekend (it's only an hour a way). but sophomore year, off campus, ha! only came one once in a blue moon. I can still remember that shock of what I would do without having a child at home. Then routine becomes life and our kids continue to grow up. My son is now 25 and happily ensconced in his career in programming and I have my dog, husband and we live over a thousand miles away from our son, but I always think back to his high school years and am so proud of the man he is now. It's so hard to let them go, but we must.
14
@Katey: "The ravages of college and life"?! If you didn't want your child to experience that, you should never have had a child.
And "The dorm was OLD" - is that a problem? If so, it's a first-world problem. I lived in an OLD dorm and it was great - high ceilings, lots of closet space and a very luxurious old-fashioned bathroom. Most people would give their eye teeth to live in a dorm as nice as the one I was in!
5
The dorms are old but not in a charming way at Texas State. Think low ceilings, cinderblock walls, small windows.
3
Times change, don't they? In my time families were large enough that nobody got much attention, and the kids more or less raised themselves. These days, parents get arrested for letting their kids play in the park without a 'chaperone'. Gasp! It is no surprise, then, that you find yourself so devastated by your child slowly becoming an adult. I'm sorry it is so wrenching.
24
Boy, I'm glad my folks just happily waved goodbye to me from the front porch back in 1976 when a high school friend came to pick me up and move us both to our new college town 100 miles away. What is it with parents these days who don't trust - or can't detach from - their kids during the college transition? Have parents imparted so few life skills to their offspring that at 18 yrs old they can't pack a bag and a few milk crates of stuff to begin creating a life of their own?
49
Oh, and Steve... you're lucky you weren't born about 6 - 8 years earlier. You would have been headed to Vietnam instead of college. Count yourself lucky.
1
You are making false assumptions.
4
@Stephanie: No, he's not making false assumptions. But I think you likely are!
3
I found it helpful to think of the images painted by the poet Khalil Gibran, in The Prophet, who writes that our children do not belong to us, but are arrows that we send into the future. We love and nourish and teach them, and we do our best to see that they fly true and strong into their own destiny.
30
Lovely story, and beautifully written.
One other thought on the fleas, though: Keep Your Cats Inside :-). Beautiful results are (1) no fleas, (2) no dead birds.
17
Indoor cats get fleas too. At least here in FL and they aren't responding to the topical treatments! Flea combing is kind of fun in a semi sick way, borax swept into the tiny spaces in the hardwood floors is supposed to help and going to try the light soapy water thing asap.
Thank you. I took my son to college on move in day with hundreds of other parents,mini fridges,cubic yards of their favorite foods,and any number of other artifacts. The day after leaving him I flew to Amsterdam to stay with an old college room mate. I stayed for almost three months traveling,visiting,and at the same time giving my son the room to be his own man. I was lucky enough to have the means to do this. I am sure you will never hear a flea story and not be remembering this wonderful rite of passage for you and your daughter. Thank you for sharing
15
As the fifth kid, my Mom and Dad had the drill down. Move us in, meet the roommate, go out for lunch, then take off. I remember how hard it was to go into the big city by myself. My Mom and Dad? Not so much. They were finally child-free for the first time in 28 years, and they were having a good time. My Mom left for a week to go antiquing, my Dad went to the lake for a week to fish. When they showed up for about the 2nd football game, they were holding hands and kissed - IN PUBLIC. I remember being appalled, but now, I see that they were enjoying not having the kids around. Not saying they didn't struggle when my first sister went to school, but by the time I came long, they were ready!
33
When my parents took me to a state university for the beginning of my first year, my mother insisted on making my bed. The word "humiliation" acquired a new definition.
15
I never experienced this to a great degree because I was a college teacher dealing on a daily basis with very needy first-year students. My own daughter seemed incredibly competent by comparison.
What lies ahead for many of you are grand-children, and you won't have those unless your let your own kids out into the world to form relationships. Grand-children are an unbelievable joy, and they more than make up for the empty nest, even if you see them mostly on Facetime.
9
Fear not. You'll get used to them being gone, and by the time you do, they'll be back.
15
Fleas or children?
26
Lovely read. I don’t usually smile this early in the morning.
8
Lovely piece. My middle one was the first to leave my nest and now as she finishes her final year at Cornell I still cry when she comes home and when she leaves and sometimes I just cry when I realize how much I miss her. And no, I' am not depressed, I think crying can be healthy in certain situations especially when you feel a void after 18 years of raising a child. It's a wonderful thing, as you describe, to raise a child ready for the world. It's the greatest achievement us moms can attain. Congrats to all of us :)
27
Fathers go through a version of this, I just wish more of us would own it.
And yeah, I'm dealing with fleas right now....
16
Folks (mainly, Moms), don't worry. My college graduated millennial son has a full time job and is back home living with us. He's my guitar teacher, sports buddy, concert buddy, and on and on. All is right with the world.
12
Today would have been my mother’s 94th birthday. She’s been gone more than 5 years and I still get that urge to pick up the phone and call her about something . . . so it’s not one-sided. And I still remember the lump in my throat as she and my father drove away on the day they took me to college.
Kudos to Elizabeth Cohen for inviting Reem into her home, because, when all is said and done, there is never enough mothering to go around in this world.
48
It is family legend that, after dropping me, the baby of the family, off at college, my mother spent 3 days doing nothing but crying and turning my bedroom into a sewing room for herself. . .
20
The flea problem could have been solved in a week using one of the modern flea products (Revolution/Advantage/Frontline) on the cats. "Bombing" the house is what was done 30 years ago and killing the fleas one by one is what was done 100 years ago.
43
To which "modern flea products" are you referring? Inquiring minds want to know.
Then there might not be such a wonderful column. I'm glad they did it the slow way.
4
Thank you. Are you and I the only ones who seem to think that the real problem in this story is the FLEAS?
4
To all you Moms out there missing your kids: become a CASA! There are kids who need you to hover, very badly, and you already have the skill set!
51
Great suggestion, Megan. I thought I would add the CASA website for anyone who is interested.
http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301303/k.6FB1/About...
5
This makes me feel kind of sad, but I'm glad the writer found another good person to live with and help. For myself, my twin daughters, now 16, are probably soon off to somewhere. Change. That's what life is about, really. But I know I will miss them, so I make sure each day they know how much I care about them. In a gentle way, I hope. Their mother killed herself a few years ago, in a fit of depression and drugs. Leaving me, the father, in charge. My wife was a miserable mother. The girls miss her, sort of. But they know she was not well. My girlfriend has a daughter, now 8, and I suppose I will get to have these feelings of impending loss again, in a few more years. I'm 72 now, and a step daughter before left home for college 20 years ago. The same feelings. Hard to explain. You want to see them have their own lives, and they are gone so soon.
27
You shared some very deep and devastating circumstances for all of you in your household. As a 70 year old myself, now grandmother of young teens, and in a family where there have been various manifestations of mood disorder, I recommend the girls have each their own counselor if it can be arranged. Going away to college can really be traumatic even in the best of circumstances. Students should know there are counseling services on campus. The other side of this story is that some students go into major depression, feeling they cannot live up to the expectations and money invested in them, lonely as Frank Bruni recently wrote about.
6
Recently, I flew with our only daughter to college in Paris. It was very hard to get on that plane back to the states without her.
She is growing, but what is hard is that I am no longer an active participant in her everyday life, I am just an observer now. It is a weird transition for sure, with sadness occasionally creeping in with the happiness and pride.
However, I have a friend who recently lost her son. So, I am not grieving over my empty nest because I can watch my daughter from afar and look forward, while my friend can only look back. It really puts things in perspective.
122
I too never got to send my only child to college.. Twelve years ago, he died
of bacterial meningitis at the tender age of 16...
Not to diminish the pain of parents coming home to an empty but all
loss is relative.. I have my wonderful co-workers and volunteer work with
BigBrothers/BigSisters to keep me in the loop with the younger generation.
There are so many young adults in this world who need mentoring..
It could feel a void in any empty nester's life..
30
So glad I read your piece about adjusting to your daughter's absence. Hope your days get brighter as you both settle in.
I recently packed my daughter off to college, too. Now when I sit staring at the piles of clothes and sneakers she didn't bring, wondering if she'll call soon, I can console myself -- at least I don't have fleas!
64
Lucky Ms. Cohen has a guest to fill the void and help her transition. I am almost 75 and my mom used to say, " if you've done a good job as a parent, your children will be able to leave and live their own lives." I must add, she was always a part of our lives but I think it worked because she was such an independent accomplished woman and my dad who too was special never interfered either. I was 17 and had never been away from home and they put me on a plane by myself to fly to Oklahoma to attend college. My aunt and uncle were there to greet me and support me, but mostly I was on my own. It was fine and I enjoyed my first 2 years of college at OU.
17
My daughter has long since graduated from college but this brought back all the ambivalence of those early months when she left for school --- pain, pride, heartache and happiness seesawing day after day as we both found new routines and rhythms. It was wrenching to be sure -- thanks for this lovely piece and the bittersweet memories.
37
Yeah, no one tells you when you are pregnant how head over heels in love you will be, how utterly stretched to the bone emotionally and physically you will be--all for the opportunity to one day say goodbye and hope they don't text back "Stop it!"
Motherhood has got to be the most bittersweet gig on the planet.
123
Oh, they tell you. You're just too pumped up on hormones and expectation to listen.
I remember the first night home from the hospital with my first baby. A friend had (cruelly) given me the book "Someday", which I thought was a cute book to read to my new baby. Well, it turned out to be a book more for the mom than for the baby - about how her baby will someday grow up and leave - and that night I cried my eyes out. Memories of my mom telling me the same came flooding back - "someday you'll grow up and leave". Memories of friends with older children came flooding back - "enjoy them while they're young", "time flies and they grow up so fast", "you'll miss even the sleepless nights when they're gone", and so on. Yes, everybody tells us this, it's just that we don't listen until we actually have the baby, and all of a sudden those statements aren't somebody else's exaggerated emotions, but our own new reality.
I can't say I wasn't warned. And I'm glad I was, because now whenever my little kids are doing stupid annoying little kid stuff, I pause, step back and think of the day when they'll be slamming the door in my face or texting "Stop it!" from miles away. Then, all of a sudden, nothing seems worth complaining about right now. So I give them an extra hug and enjoy the fact that they still let me.
48
Along with Daddy-hood--bittersweet indeed. But the goal is to "work yourself out of a job" and I remember that final "Thanks already goodbye, I can handle it from here" text was followed shortly by an "I love you". Wow, it seems like I had come full circle with my daughter, from being on a pedestal in the eyes of a loving 11 year old girl; to being a hypocrite, a jerk and the "overlord" to my 15 year old rebel, and and then as a 9 yr young women, back again. Actually the job is never finished; the job description and duties just change!
5
This essay was very human, and imho "Stop it!" is much better than "Please can you come and get me?"
"Stop it!" is teen-speak for "I'm ok, you're going to be ok. Let me breathe, I can handle it." And sure enough, her daughter is ok. The kids need to know when they can stretch their wings - and it's easier to do so knowing a safety net is still there.
Parenthood is full of "Stop it!" moments. The first time your child won't hold your hand crossing the street. The time they decide no kisses at drop off. When they don't want you around their friends. When they study late and come home by themselves after dark. All of those are preparation for when they move out of the house to college and onto their own independence.
19