Zack, your story is one of HOPE, believe it or not. The fact that you wrote it and it is published gives witness to the mind boggling power "we bp's" can harness and use for good. Keep writing, dig deeper, show us more!!! Please!!! We need your experience, strength, hope and eloquence!!! Love you Man!!
22
Great to see someone with the courage to speak out on this devastating illness. Thanks.
9
Welcome to the club, Zack. Definitely some downsides, but most people will never know the ecstasy of a manic high or have the ability to outwork everyone in the office. Once you get steady on your drugs and spend some time with a good therapist, your life will be better. Much better.
8
Heartbreaking but hopeful, and I do believe the world could benefit more from your writing than maybe your lawyerly presence in court...steppers keep on stepping and writers keep on writing...
Every Gorilla needs its Bird ~I admire you both and am cheering you on...
16
Thank you, everytime anyone speaks out we all get a teensy bit healthier. I am 60 and still worry that I will lose everything because of my chronic depression. Please take hope that it can get easier, be vigilant but smell the roses too. I finally got used to the fact that staying healthy was my job.
Sylvia Plath wrote a poem called Black Rook in Rainy Weather. She did not win her fight in the end but she left me a road map. Unipolar and bipolar have different chasms waiting for us but if you can hang on until
"a black rook ordering it's black feathers can so shine as to seize my senses, haul my eyelids up and grant a brief respite from fear of total neutrality"
Those moments are precious and worth living to see. All the best and again thank you.
12
I suspect my oldest and best friend is bibolar. I stood by him for decades, I just couldn't take it anymore. I am not his Bird, and he doesn't have one. He is lost, or society failed him and millions of others just like him. I still care, but it's just too hard. If we had Medicare for all I truly believe he would have a chance at a better life.
24
I recommend this opinion piece to any reader.
To the writer, you passed through a very hellish experience. Cheers, Cheers! Stay with the law.
5
I read this and felt instant shame for hitting "decline" on my cell phone when it rang, because I wasn't up for speaking with my mentally ill sister. What a pathetic and disgusting person i've become, thinking my burden is somehow greater than hers.
Thank you for this, Zack. I needed to hear it.
34
Thanks so much for sharing!
8
Zack, thanks for sharing. Your words helped me understand how my brother thinks he can control his own mental illness after 30-some years without success. I'm glad to see you have a strong support system in the Bird.
8
Thank you for sharing your personal story. We need more people like you to bring these true life experiences to light. Mental illness has a bad rap in terms of people not truly understanding it. I like how you especially explained that your behavior during your breaks were symptoms that you needed help. You also bring hope to those that suffer that there is light at the end. Peace be to you.
11
Such a thoughtful piece, thanks for sharing your brave story.
9
I became psychotic and was hospitalized in 2007 after a stressful period. There I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and put on mood stabilizers. I was 46, single mother and 15 years in recovery from substance use disorder. I took a year to stabilize by avoiding as much stress as possible, by spending little money, not working, and taking good care of myself with diet and exercise, therapy and friendships. I then got a $10 hour a job as a tech in the field of substance abuse and went back to school. I obtained first a bachelor, then a master's degree in social work and have had the fortune to work in the psych ward where I had been a patient. I have had one more psychotic episode in the last 10 years and it was about two years after the first and was again during a stressful time-a patient had committed suicide, I was quitting my job and school was challenging. I have learned that self caracoles above all else or I cannot function and become a danger to myself and others. Yoga, abstinence from all mind altering drugs, therapy, medication adherence and clear monitoring, as well as helping others lead meaningful rich lives have made the difference for me.
24
Sadly, for me this article reinforces the image of those of us with bipolar disorder. We are not crazy, mad, or manic - we suffer from an illness beyond our control. We need to start thinking of ourselves in more positive terms. Undoubtedly, Zack's experience with the disorder is very painful. But bipolar disorder is manifested in many different ways, and some of his statements imply that our symptoms are all the same. Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2 present a very different swing in moods. Our 20's is not a standard age. I experienced it beginning in my teens. Being a teen and being bipolar was pretty brutal. One of the things that one experiences in a psychiatric hospital (I made four trips) is the discussion of medications. Specifically, the need to try many different drugs, so we are not in a numbed state. After several different drugs, I found one that allows me to function as best as one can with the disorder. I encourage Zack to go back to his psychiatrist and as to try another. Yes, bipolar 1's will miss the highs but keeping our emotions in a narrower range is a better state of living. I have suffered from bipolar disorder for over 30 years and lived undiagnosed for 25 years. It, too, has damaged my personal, professional, and financial life.. Don't confuse self-pity with self-acknowledgement. Let's give ourselves a break - we are not mad or crazy but controlled by this damaging mental illness. There's plenty of time left to find hope and realize dreams.
17
Your fine, insightful, but no-happy-ending article triggered an anxiety attack for me. I, too, had to exit a profession I loved because of mental disability (Major Depression and chronic pain in my case), and have had to bear up under the belief by many that mental illness is a character flaw that you SHOULD be able to "snap yourself out of." Your article tightened my stomach because a part of me always suspects that the ignorant are correct, that for some reason unfathomable to me I have sabotaged myself. Thank you, Zack, for being so clear about the fact that mental illness is not a choice that anyone makes but something that happens to a subset of people on this planet through no fault of our own. Writing that--reaffirming that central truth to our struggle--has helped me tame the anxiety. Keep writing, brother. It's important... your message is SO important...
32
zack baby, real, deep and highly appreciative thanks for this. super article. and it's the right thing to say: i'm not good at this, nor do i want to do it, and it's not good for me. aligning your self with what you are good at and makes you satisfied really can lead to happiness/fulfillment. keep it up. also, you really got lucky with your mom, she sounds great, i'm going to use some of those gorilla metaphors. thanks, again. well said and true and useful. you are helping others.
7
For how many more years will be told that half the people in prisons are mentally ill? Why have we not done anything to change this bizarre system? If I were having a breakdown I think I would rather find myself in a psychiatric ward among people who were trying to help me rather than be treated like a criminal and be expected to follow a set of rules I would probably be incapable of understanding. How do we put an end to this? Anyone?
18
Stay healthy and strong Bro. Mental illness is far more common than people realize and the millions of us that have suffered ,and will suffer from it need all the understanding and availability of support resources we can get. Let's get rid of the stigma so people will go get the help they need.
12
Thank you, Zack. The fact that you know what to do now, after everything you've been through, is a very hard-won victory. There are many organizations out there working in support of mentally ill people, but so far not enough to influence public opinion, witness the fact that despite that the jailhouse as asylum thing is known to political and legal experts, there is no popular outcry for it to stop. I look forward to your book, and hope it helps. I'd be willing to aid that.
7
Excellent essay that gives insight into a not so uncommon problem. I hope everyone who needs it can get the medication they need. This story exemplifies why healthcare is a right not a privilege.
11
Zack, I wish you the best. I'm sure that your road is difficult and I hope that it gets better.
After reading your essay more than once, I am still waiting for you to answer the question that I have always wondered as the partner of a bi-polar individual:
How can you so easily dismiss the pain and humiliation that your actions cause those who love you and are left to handle the messes during these episodes with, "I had no control over it"... In your mind does lack of intention obviate the pain?" Do you have any idea how dismissive that statement is to those who wake up and have to deal the the with the uncertainty of who will "show up" every morning?
I'm not trying to be harsh or insensitive. I'm glad your mom is your rock, however i think it it was a spouse/partner it might be a different story.
10
I have 5 ex's + innumerable partners who by the very fact that they were with me and escaped attests to that simple truth. Yes, blood is thicker than mental illness. There was ABSOLUTELY no rational reason for any of them to be victimized by my dis-ease. My Mother was not a "Bird", she suffered from the same affliction as me. Therefore she had her own struggle.
Zack, your story is one of HOPE, believe it or not. The fact that you wrote it and it is published gives witness to the mind boggling power "we bp's" can harness and use for good. Keep writing, dig deeper, show us more!!! Please!!! We need your experience, strength, hope and eloquence!!!
6
You've found your new job as a writer. This Op Ed was an honest, heartbreaking and hopeful piece. You are a brave incredible writer and the Bird is a rockstar goddess mom.
16
I think that you are a brave and courageous person.
I believe that they key is recognizing that you have an illness and adjusting your medication until you get the right "cocktail" for you.
I wish you good luck on your journey. I know that it's a difficult road that you travel. Godspeed.
6
Thank you so, so much Zack.
7
I am very moved by this essay. Even as a retired clinician, this piece pierces the idea that someone can control their mental illness. The profound pain that Zach expresses should make all of understand the need for better mental treatment for everyone who needs it.
19
Hang in there Zack. My Mum and brother (and countless other relatives) are bipolar. It can be a burden, but it can also be a vehicle for art and achievement. Although your way in the world is not the way everyone goes about life, it can still be beautiful and fulfilling. Much love from Shelley
10
We have a bipolar person in our family that was also "saved" by their Mom...those of us who had no prior experience with it, kept thinking it was just "acting out" or all of those other judgemental opinions that people who haven't learned much about mental illness don't understand...and we couldn't (or didn't want to) consider that there was something much bigger going on. Thankfully, this Mom never gave up on her child...and helped the adults learn something in the process.
9
I hope you recognize just how valuable your willingness to share your experience is. I hope society learns to become more accepting and finds better ways to engage fully with individuals who suffer from mental illness. It would be to everyone's benefit to really know what it means to be human, however difficult that may be. Thank you.
10
I wish that along with mental illness, society could also learn to engage with those who have autism and learning disabilities, and do a better job of diagnosing both conditions early in life (autism in particular) so that said people don't end up being misunderstood and messed up by society as they grow up (not all high-functioning autistics like myself succeed in life, and need income supports to live, like I do.) And some of us also get bipolar disorder, like I have right now.
I'm glad to hear that Zack has been able to recover from his bipolar disorder, and I wish him well in the future.
5
I admire your bravery. After my "episode" at work nearly six years ago, I wasn't a stepper. I was a hider. The anxiety kept me in a self-imposed prison. But like you, I had a loving family who held me up until I could walk on my own again. Best wishes to the Gorilla and the Bird!
9
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your story. I know it had to be hard.
I am a 63 year old with a history of depression, hospitalizations, and suicide attempts.
I have left behind more than a few jobs because I could not bear that first day back. The gossip and whispers and furtive looks; coworkers walking on eggshells, unsure of how to approach me, trying to act like nothing had happened. And worse, management's concern about my ability to handle the workload. I felt like I had to prove myself all over again.
We need to talk about mental illness, and make a better effort to destigmatize it.
12
Honest, beautiful, harrowing, encouraging. Mental illness is so tough, no matter what one's situation is, but it's so, so, so tough to be dealing with it as a young adult in this country these days. Thank you for putting your story on paper.
11
Thank you. I'm bipolar too. And very healthy through my meds...life is very good now. Thank you for your words.
6
thank you for shedding light on mental illness, the bravery and courage that people who have this disability show every day, how the tremendous power of family's love and strength make a difference, and destigmatizing this disability one story at a time
6
I could have used a Bird when the same thing happened to me. Except when my break happened I was 37, married with two kids, and already on hiatus from my career as an attorney. So no income of my own. My husband filed restraining orders on behalf of my kids to keep me away from them, and my parents (who live in the same town) changed their locks and refused to answer my calls. I racked up over $10,000 in credit card debt traveling to strange places, sleeping in my car or in fleabag motels, but at least I had the credit card to fall back on. Don't know where I would be now if I hadn't had it, because I certainly did not have the support of my family.
I'm ok now, 5 years later, and even mended fences with my husband and moved back home in the year following my break. I really would rather not have ended up back home, feeling like a total alien, but I am with my kids now and being without them is not something I am willing to endure again.
I live in fear everyday that I will break again. I haven't gone back to my career; I just don't trust myself enough or even know how to pick back up where I left off. Nor do I trust those around me to stick by me if I fall down again, given how they treated me the last time around. It's a lonely existence, lived on tenterhooks, trying not to show the least bit of any emotion that could be interpreted as a symptom of bipolar disorder. I take my medicine and stay nice and quiet like a good little girl. It's not the life I expected to lead.
21
zack, this is an exemplary account of mental illness, honest and scrupulously accurate. for me, what you write here rings true, clear as a bell.
i'm a few decades older than you, so perhaps i've done some thinking along the way which you too may come across. that is to say, your reference to your manic/psychotic break as merely an artifact of sickness seems perhaps a bit innocent; in my experience, bipolar disorder is a lifelong challenge, not something easily taken care of "one and done" style. once again, for me health has become more a matter of managing, mitigating and integrating my unique mentality rather than breathing a sigh of relief that the troubles are over.
of course, it's impossible to have insight about something which affects your insight. still, i've come to feel that manic crazy me (and evil twin depressed me) are just as real as nobel prize-winning me. (oh wait, nobel laureate me is a figment of manic me.) none of us may have an indivisible, unitary self, but we bipoles especially are communities of selves. the trick is to keep the caretaker self in the foreground while letting the worse behaved ones have free rein on the internet.
13
Addicts who share steps help society step forward.
1
This is NOT about addiction, though.
6
Zach-
2 things - some advice and a question
1) It's so obvious that you're brave enough, smart enough, and honest enough to do anything, and do it successfully.
2) Being a legal aid attorney isn't job or a career, it's self inflicted punishment to try to atone for the most painful failures of our system to care for our own people. People who can actually do that job successfully have got to be much much stranger than you, or much less caring.
3) Lots of people (100s of thousands, if not millions) have walked away from the pressures of a legal practice, most of them not as vulnerable as you, nor their practices as stressful. (ask me how I know.)
4) I forget the other thing.
Question: you think I should trim this beard more often? I do once in a while, but it's been growing for 30 years now, and, beards are in, and I kind of like it scruffy.
11
Thank you for sharing your story. I think your level of honesty about your situation is healthy -- may you continue to be blessed with the ability to honestly acknowledge the impact of bipolar disorder on your life.
I know someone with bipolar disorder, but he is unable to fully acknowledge that he has this disorder. Though he is pretty good about taking his medication regularly, he is unemployed, does not do any paid work, and lives on disability income. He attends community college, which he has done for the last more than 7 years, --often struggling to complete one class. He often takes the same course over several times -- and is under the delusion that he's going to become a PhD in his chosen field in science -- seemingly unaware that those who complete a doctorate degree and then work as professors or researchers do not struggle indefinitely with basic coursework in community college, much less do this for 7 or 8 years.
So even while medicated, there is some level of grandiosity and delusion that accompanies him every day of his life.
4
Has ANYBODY truly tried to help this person other than give him meds? Like, maybe suggest (and guide him onto) vocational training for a skilled technical trade? Something with less hard coursework than science?
This is the kind of person for whom a GAI (Guaranteed Annual Income) would be good for, but our (North) American society would never consider anything like this, even if to help a person going through what this young man is going through. We need to treat those with mental illness better than we treat them now.
3
What extraordinary courage -- bravo, and good luck to you!
6
Thank you for shedding a little more light on this disorder. I'm glad you had a supportive Mom who was always there for you...many are not so fortunate. I hope you can find a place to utilize your education and your compassion. Thank you again for sharing your story.
6
And just think, this fellow struggling human being will most likely be denied mental health coverage if the current "on the table" plan gets passed..... This is literally life and death for some people.
17
Zack I loved a man for 50 years who was bipolar.I felt he never forgave himself or could believe how I did. He died and left me in deep mourning three years ago. It still hurts how much I love him and want to know that he realizes he was good and could love and forgive himself.
Did anyone ever put you on pure B6 and Zinc? I saw it work a miracle once.
9
This fellow needs to spend some heavy time with Michel Foucault, Ian Hacking, Richard Rorty, and maybe some Zizek. Maybe some trips into the Men's Movement writers from the late 80s through 90's - Robert Bly, James Hillman, & Tom Moore - would help too. Brother you might as well look at this as an initiation as well as a psychosis. Couldn't hurt to add some depth and suitcase full of ideas to the experience, because clearly there is some sympathetic introjection going on.
Currently, mental health care for brain diseases such as Bipolar Disorder are a covered benefit under the 10 points of coverage mandated by the
Affordable Care Act. At this moment, this benefit coverage is in danger of being removed in the health insurance program that is being promoted by Senators Graham and Cassidy.
We need to continue to move forward in covering the treatment of brain disease/mental health. Too many lives are at stake.
22
Thank you for reminding everyone of what is necessary. treatment save lives. people who need it must have access. period.
5
Thank you! I was moved by your story and I wish you all the best.
I must say thank you again.
8
Wow! I'm a clinical psychologist- seen it all and heard it all. But your writing is very impactful. You've come so far but have more ahead of you. Please, whatever you do, do not stop taking your meds. The highs (mania) of bipolar disease can be very seductive and some patients stop their meds in order to experience the high. This is especially true when you are cycling on the depressive end of the illness.
You are absolutely right- many jails have become de facto mental hospitals. Just ask Sheriff Tom Dart who runs the Cook County Jail in Chicago. He can tell you a lot about it. I was a psychologist in a maximum security prison and about 20-30% of the prisoners were diagnosed with one or more mental illnesses.. The difference is that they were in prison long term (most were lifers) so it was easier to get them on a stable drug regime.
Keep writing and telling the story of your illness. People need to recognize that mentally ill people are our spouses and siblings, our parents and neighbors, our co-workers and friends. Your mom sounds terrific. Keep listening to her 'cause Steppers keep on stepping!
13
Why aren't most of these mentally ill people in mental hospitals instead, I wonder?
1
The hardest part about mental illness is finding the courage to get off the couch and face the world again. Thanks for sharing your story.
67
Thank you, Zack, for sharing your story. I truly wish you and your mother all the best. She sounds remarkable. And so do you. Your courage in sharing your story will give so many others strength. You're a lucky young man to have the Bird. And I suspect the Bird feels lucky to have you.
11
Zack,
I admire your incredible bravery and honesty. Instead of trying to cover up painful times, you opted to share your story to help others. And, this story will help others. All the best to you.
13
Like others who feel there is no way out, I attempted suicide and ended up in a facility. I received little to no sympathy from my family. My sister screamed at me "how could you do this to us?" The day I was discharged, she took off on a driving vacation with her put-upon husband and left me all alone in my apartment, despite my pleading that I didn't feel safe, and please wait a couple of hours till a friend got off work. Nope.. Never even called after she left.
My mother was just embarrassed and wouldn't ever talk about it. So what saved me? The other patients and a couple of dear friends. The patients gave me comfort and acceptance --- though some were so ill they spoke in word salad. I knew they cared for me, and that helped immensely. Other patients taught me how to laugh again and gave me courage to go back to work, knowing I'd be the center of attention at my high-tech company. With my sister now, I am politely distant. She never apologized and never will. But maybe she wonders sometimes why I never call her...
25
If you've got to disavow family that abandoned you in your time of need, you do it. You can always treat those fellow patients (and friends) as family instead of the one you were born into.
6
I was pushed out of my job in March, when I turned 40, and became very depressed. I felt my life was over. I drank an amazing amount and couldn't stop shuddering. My dad said I was a train wreck and checked me into a treatment facility where he used to work. On entry, he said "no drugs".
I had huge reservations, but once inside, I liked it. It was very peaceful and I did a lot of work with my therapist. The place was like a five star hotel and I could rest and be free from worries. I would think about what my therapist had said and I would read a lot. I would plan the rest of my life. I got better quickly and left before I wanted to. My home life would have suffered if I remained away for too long.
I had decided to go to the third world and teach, but I learned this is not an easy gig. I could not find a position, even if I accepted no compensation. After a few months, old friends offered me a a very ordinary job, but one that I am very happy with. I am now OK.
My ordeal wasn't nearly as bad as the one described in the article, but I would urge anyone having problems to seek help. It really helped me.
13
Great essay Mr. Mcdermott, you're a good writer. You handled a difficult situation with courage and grace and the love and trust between you and your Mom was uplifting to read about and did my heart good. I look forward to reading your book.
13
@barbara8101 -
Not everyone is willing to be labeled as "ill" just because they are prone to extraordinary perceptions and associated behaviors. The result of such labeling can be forced medication that is itself quite harmful, sometimes to the point of lethal organ failure.
I agree that we should help people find the cause of such differences when they are willing to investigate them. Thereafter, addressing the organic causes of those differences instead of using chemical sledgehammers to knock down symptoms of those impacted by infections, genetic anomalies, and metabolic brain injuries would be beneficial. Somehow, the caregivers one encounters do not even recognize such possibilities in most instances, however.
The standard party line is that we do not know what causes mental illness, we hardly know how psych meds work, a cure is not possible, but everyone should take the psych meds they prescribed and hope there symptoms remain tolerable for the patient and, especially, those around them. Imagine we approached heart disease and cancer that way!
Fortunately, with painstaking research and trial and error, my partner was able to subvert the dominant paradigm, find the causes of her bipolar episodes, and find treatments directly corresponding the sources of her episodes and extinguish the symptoms they cause. Too bad that is not the ultimate aim of our mental "health" institutions. Instead, we are stuck on a course of managing behavior for the benefit of others.
5
You are brave, Gorilla. Every day is a struggle, I know. Every day that you show up, every day that the Bird answers the phone - every day is a gift. Keep on enjoying yours. I look forward to reading your memoir.
10
It must have been really tough to go through all this. However, there is one thing that I think could be helpful for the people in author's situation, which is to accept the people around you irrespective of what you think they think of you. I understand that the daily struggles put you in a far more delicate position but I can assure you that many people do not realize or perhaps know what you go through. I know that because once I was severely ostracized for responding to someone in my usual pluck while that person was struggling with a life-long mental disease. The whole episode made me so wary of him that I began avoiding him with a ten feet pole. I know that I shouldn't do that but I grew more concerned about when and how he would take an offense.
5
Thank you for writing this. Many/most of us "suffer" from various life issues, but few have the courage you have shown in sharing your story. Keep stepping, you are a stepper. Thank you.
7
Thanks, "Gorilla." It makes a difference to others that you're sharing your experience.
7
I'm not too sure how therapeutic it is to broadcast this type of detailed information about one's illness. Moving beyond embarrassment seems like a victory but this piece seems almost.... uninhibited? It is one thing to advocate for one's self and one's illness, but this piece has the author "flying the flag of himself". One cannot help but wonder, is he OK? Is going back to work at the old job the best of moves? I gather it did not work out entirely well.
3
Patty Duke was just one of the growing number of people who have openly talked about their bipolar condition. I gather she made a real point of it. My father and his generation didn't benefit so much, but I and my generation are better off for the attention, improved diagnosis, and treatments.
"Did not work out?" As others have commented, bipolar illness is something to address and manage, not to be cured of (yet). The question is how well do you live given the hand you're dealt. In that regard, Zack and I are no different from you. We're just dealing with the cards we're dealt, and there are no bright lines to distinguish between the varying hands.
10
Somebody has to walk to the edge and be honest.
11
Thank God for your mother,"Bird" - and for all the mothers that stand witness throughout their childrens' illnesses - mental or otherwise. They don't always receive the acknowledgement they deserve.
15
Thank you for sharing. Mental illness is all around us. If only we were more comfortable talking about it, then we would have a climate where people felt supported rather than like a nonperson.
4
This is a courageous article to write. I wish you all the best in combating this poorly understood and horrible disease, which as you say, afflicts one for life. There is no cure. I have only one suggestion. Start calling diseases like bipolar disorder "brain diseases," not "mental illness." The brain is a physical organ just as a kidney or liver is. This may help for these diseases to be better understood and less stigamitized.
12
thank you.i have the feeling legal aid and your
clients lost a huge talent. I know that noble awful pressure of perfection in advocacy for those with no one to speak for them.bless you for taking care of yourself and turning that huge talent to focus on an equally important problem.can't wait to read the book.
5
Zack - thank you for your stunningly honest article. Know that there are many people who you are educating and who wish you the best, one day at a time. Take good care! Ann
6
I often wished that I instead was an alcoholic or addict, so that I could go to meetings and be given a chip and run through the 12 steps, and that there was this ritual of not "cure" but acceptance and acknowledgement of having taken these steps and being now allowed to move forward. I found working in "progressive" non-profit, do-gooder organizations (I was a lawyer for environmental groups, like the author was a lawyer for Legal Aid) to be of no more benefit than a for-profit corporation in terms of acceptance or accommodation for a disability when in came to mental illness. I worked in an environmental law clinic for a prestigious, top 20 law school (in a certain mid-west city experiencing racial strife at the moment) and was asked by my supervisor if I had mental health issues so that they could help me; said that I did; and was fired the next week in a very hostile manner (and I had not acted out at all at my brief time in this new job, but some scuttlebutt from a previous job must have reached this employer who just a month earlier had recruited me to leave my prior job that I was stupid enough to allow myself to be lured away from by this prestigious university because the supervisor there had been willing to deal with my issues because I was otherwise effective at what I did). And the for-profit company I worked for subsequently had an HR department that dealt with a supervisor that wanted to drive me out of my job because of the challenges of my mental health.
3
You rock buddy. Thanks so much for sharing. So inspiring to see someone who is surviving, staying positive, AND offering the light to others.
7
Good luck with your book, Zack! During the writing of it, you may want to check out the work of The Foundation for Excellence in Mental Health Care, which is examining, exploring, piloting newer, better best practices in the area of mental health. The effort is a hopeful one.
1
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your journey. Keep on steppin'!
3
Here is a tip that can safely benefit just about everyone, but is especially important to those with bipolar diagnoses. Artificial lighting in the evening can disrupt sleep cycles due to specialized cells in our eyes that detect blue light and influence the timing of melatonin releases. By blocking the blue light with orange glasses, it is possible to minimize the harmful effects of night time lighting.
Those exhibiting bipolar symptoms will be interested to know that controlling the timing of light and darkness to improve the regularity of sleep has been shown to be as therapeutic as some psychiatric drug regimens. But we all need consistent quality sleep and most of us are exposed to screens and lights at night, so blocking blue light is helpful to all.
I first learned about this while researching bipolar mechanisms and therapies on psycheducation.org, which is oriented toward bipolar II conditions, but proved helpful in understanding and treating my partner's bipolar I symptoms before we discovered the primary organic causes of her manic episodes and other conditions (neuroborreliosis and genetic abnormalities having to do with detoxification and methylation -- a very unfortunate combination, as it turns out).
You can learn more about the science behind this and which glasses and other products work by going to the "Bipolar disorder, light" section of the website. I am not bipolar, but I sleep much better now that I wear funny looking orange glasses at night.
7
You are so brave. Thank you. I have tears in my eyes as I write this.
1
Wow Zack, thank you. I have Bipolar I, too. Life is definitely turning out a little different than I had imagined for myself, but the silver lining to my disease is getting the chance to hit reset and focus my time doing things I've always really wanted to do (gardening, cooking, white water river raft, etc.) instead of being all consumed by work in a high-stress environment. I hope you find your balance, too. (By the way, It's clear that the CRAZIEST thing about your situation is our incarceration system locking up the mentally ill because there aren't facilities to help them) You sound overly-prepared to make an impact in this arena, if you want to be. Otherwise, take it easy, spend time on a river. Best of luck!
5
Zach, thanks for being the fine writer you are. Thanks for being the peer you are, and helping me to better understand who I am. Sorry for the rip-roaring turmoil you experience. Hang in there always. Best to you and wonderful friends and family.
4
You are so courageous to share your experience. I see that many people appreciate your generosity. All my very best to you.
5
Thank you for sharing your story — which will surely resonate with many. I lost my son to acute bipolar disorder four years ago. His prescription drug regime, and its various side effects, proved too much for him, and he eventually sought relief in illicit street drugs. A fatal overdose followed soon afterward. I believe my son, always so ferociously Independent and private, felt there was no ‘Bird’ upon whom he could rely to see him through his roughest times. That is now my burden to bear; I’m glad you have a loving champion to help you bear yours.
6
I am very sorry for your circumstance, Jackson. I know there is no way to change the past, but I do hope your experience helps others explore opportunities they might otherwise miss. Blessings to you and your son for all time.
6
How terribly sad. I am so sorry.
6
We are so sorry for your loss, writing from my home in Oakland CA.
1
Gorilla has my sincere sympathy. At the same time, his narrative lacks any recognition of the disturbing truth that his struggle to continue practice, however brave, conflicted with his ethical obligations to his clients. His humiliation at being asked to provide a doctor's note illustrates his inability to reach past his all-absorbing crisis to see the larger implications. I know this sounds harsher than it's meant to be. I want him to have all the help he needs, but I want his clients to have the same.
1
A fine & brave piece of writing.
Congratulations!
3
Recently I started seeing the mentally ill street people I see in my town in a different way. They are just like me, except they've had a psychotic break. I'd be just like them, except I have been lucky enough not to have had one. So far. Every American, for the most part, started in the same place. For example, most of us went to third grade (or at least we did until home schooling became the rage). But our paths diverged later, and often (I'm finally understanding) not due to the fault or failing of the person I see talking to himself under the cardboard box.
11
35 years ago I lost a man I loved to suicide. His family, from whom he was distanced due to his employment, had only partially recognized his problems. He'd disguised them well from me for nearly a year, and when I finally realized the extent of his mental illness, I reached out for medical assistance for him, but it came too late. The experience broadened my understanding of mental illness and the difficulties in dealing with it both for the person and for those around him. No society seems to have an adequately enlightened response to mental illness, and ours is nothing to celebrate - just look at our jail and prison populations, which are the modern equivalent of madhouses.
9
You have demonstrated the "courage to change". You are not alone and your experience has the power to positively impact countless human lives. Blessings to you as you "trudge the road of happy destiny". The best is yet to come.
- quotes borrowed from The Serenity Prayer and The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
3
Thank you for your courage and insight in sharing your story. My brother had this disease and it wasn't discussed openly and we didn't always know how to help him. He died at 47 nearly ten years ago and we miss him every day. Sharing your story is so important to bring this illness into the open and offer people the help they need and deserve.
11
Thank you for writing this Zack. It took guts. I can't imagine it was easy. A truly moving story and it forced me to sit back and have some introspection.
25
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are a wonderful writer and I hope that you make that part of your life in a big way. We need more brave writers. I've suffered from depression my entire life and I've never talked openly about it without going through a fraction of what you describe. I really admire you and we are rooting for you. Good luck and please write more.
23
Thank you, thank you for this.
7
Great story. I'm glad we're finally acknowledging, talking about, and destigmatizing mental illness.
16
I cannot believe that a psychiatrist would not know a patient needs a letter releasing them back to work after a serious illness. Furthermore, Mr. Mcdermott has a chronic disability that can be managed and he might be able to work with job accommodations. Identifying these accommodations in a work release letter is something a psychiatrist should also do.
The Americans with Disabilities Act provides significant protections to the disabled who can do their jobs with reasonable accommodations. Too many employers are not familiar with this law and do not do their part to help disabled employees remain on the job. Physicians do not always know the details of the law, either, although they should know the basics. Mr. Mcdermott could put his legal skills to good use as a disability law attorney, should he wish to return to the field.
21
i too thought it a bit strange that his employer did not let him know what was required upon returning to work.
2
Employment Law is very different and more progressive in California as it pertains to any and all illness. Article One Section One of the California Constitution guarantees privacy, and that privacy arose from the rights of people suffering from Aids, needing protection from employers who might fire him or her for having the disease. Then, FEHA expanded to include the rights of the able-body person who suffers a "disability" or challenge to work a regular job, with some accommodation.
Yes, California disability law (Fair Employment & Housing Act) does differ from Federal disability law (ADA) in that disclosure of a diagnosis is not required. The same is true for the CA version of the Federal FMLA, the California Family Rights Act.
In California, those disabled by mental illness can assert their need for symptom-mitigating accommodations, without having to disclose their diagnosis. This is helpful as so many in society stigmatize those with mental illnesses.
I did not know that this protection was borne out of the AIDS crisis. Thanks for sharing.
1
I was a first year law student from Kansas when I was embraced by a study group of New Yorkers like an alien from another planet. Of course I was included in the plans when "Steve" got engaged. We, and 500 of his closest friends, celebrated the engagement at a Queens wedding hall (my first Viennese table) and all planned our return trip for the summer services. Then Spring final exam time came and Steve started getting agitated and, well, a bit weird. The night before our Torts final he was found driving down the highway in his bathrobe at 100 mph. Unfortunately, Steve had no "Bird." His family swiftly collected him and despite our best efforts we never heard from him again. Gorilla ... thank you. I think of Steve often and hope he has found a bit of the peace you have worked so hard for. He would have made a great lawyer but I hope he has become a great man... like you.
38
Wow. Thanks. This is so helpful. I hope it was helpful for you too.
Wow.
Keep showing up and keep writing.
12
How do you know you are sick?
The first time I was forcibly confined I took the medications and nearly lost my mind. And then somehow I got off them and was fine for ten years. The second time I protested my imprisonment: the "danger to myself" boiled down to a changed personality and inviting homeless men into my life. A judge released me.
Dealing with mania---a wholly natural adaptation of the human mind---is a learning process. Most of us have an invisible Overseer who restrains us. Suddenly losing that overseer opens up vast reserves of energy and cognitive power, because most of your brainpower until that point was spent on unconscious obedience---but you careen around like a car without brakes. You are truly "born again", but our society is absolutely unforgiving of adults who act and learn like babies.
To survive as a so-called "bipolar person" you must rebuild your brakes from scratch and pass as normal, when every moment is open season on you: by everyone from the petty psychopaths in your life to well-meaning lovers of the old you. Not many make it through that gauntlet intact. The Overseer can even return and induce apoptosis. But some escape to tell the tale.
The man running naked through the streets so long ago was *me*, and I am not the least bit ashamed of him. I was born naked, and I am reborn naked.
Tolerance and compassion are the only true medicine for the awake. Algorithmic minds are incapable of it. But everybody understands handcuffs.
16
Dio,
Thanks for your informative, humane, and courageous perspective. I can second your emotion ... see my comment 4 or 5 down.
2
Yeah. Just wait until your invisible Overseer takes another vocation, and you decide that you are going to become a billionaire by building an emu farm. A foolproof plan that absolutely cannot fail. The UPS delivers thousands of crates of emu eggs at your doorstep. Your life and retirement savings are gone (perhaps your kid' college money and your house too?). The Overseer returns, but it is too late, you are left destitute. If you think that sounds far fetched, something very similar almost happened to a bipolar friend of mine during a manic episode. Only the forced court-ordered hospitalization prevented him from flushing several hundred thousand dollars of life savings on just such a "foolproof" grandiose scheme. Oh yeah, he also had a near fatal accident on an interstate, during that period and was really lucky that the police arrested him and confiscated his license. The Overseer was not there to control his explosive anger at all the petty psychopath drivers around him, but hey, he was just experiencing a perfectly natural adaptation of the human mind.
4
Good job, dear. Every day is a good day to be alive. Report back.
10
Zack, you write really well. Glad you are pursuing that! Best wishes from someone else diagnosed with mental illness (depression).
8
I understand... bi polar I & II run in my family. Needless to say, it's been pretty traumatic. All I can say is that I hope you are able to control your illness and find people who can accept you for who you are, which is MORE than your illness. Peace to you, Zack.
9
One of the most shameful aspects of American society is its unwillingness to treat mental illness as the illness that it is. Those who suffer from mental illness must also suffer through societal intolerance and incomprehension of their conditions. They must also suffer through the lack of adequate health care coverage for what is, after all, a sickness. If our society had adequate health care coverage for mental illness, its sufferers would not end up in our prisons, where their suffering increases exponentially. The government entities that should be providing health care for the mentally ill have come to rely on the prison system, which taxpayers seem to be more willing to fund than medical care. We should be ashamed of the absence of resources devoted to the care of the mentally ill and also of the continuing veil of shame and secrecy that seems to surround the fact of mental illness. Would we treat cancer the same way? Hemophilia? Quadriplegia? The sooner we recognize the need to treat mental illness as the congeries of diseases that it is, the closer we will come to being able to call our society civilized.
19
Small wonder so many choose to struggle alone.
6
Zack, along with others who have responded to your story, I am impressed by your fortitude and candor. Yet, as a man with a similar history to yours, I would like to add a perspective that is rarely mentioned: namely, mania can be a blessing. The manic experience saved me from a life of deep and bitter depression and I am thankful to the illness for revealing a meaning and purpose in life, where prior to this ecstatic event I saw no reason to continue living.
Now that I have reached my seventies, and in fact long before this time, I have no need for any re-occurrence. (Not that it is completely in my control.) Once you have been to the mountaintop, it seems there is little reason to return -- and mainly because the societal costs are too high, as you are well aware.
I hasten to add that I do not wish mania on anyone, because I understand that it can devastate a life, and it may be that my experience was unusual. Still, vive la difference.
12
Thanks for this story, Zack. I'm pulling for you and your work.
11
You are a hero for speaking out. Please remember that. Thank you.
11
Heartfelt and touching.
The problem with mental illness is that it is not real. These "psychotic breaks" are actually signs of demon possession, something our forefathers were acutely aware of. Drugs and sedatives may put the demon to slumber, but he remains within awaiting his next turn to lash out and jeopardize its host body.
This man needs faith and love, not medication.
2
No No No No. Medication is a miracle worker. There are tens of hundreds of newer psychopharmalogical medications that can be targeted, refined ( in dose) and directed to specific events and overall conditions.
Never dismiss the immense benefit of modern ( post 70s medications sans electro shock treatment), psychopharmacology.
9
Medication and counseling by a professional is what people with bipolar disease need. You diminish the agony of people with this very real disease. As a person whose sister committed suicide as a result of NOT seeking help and in fact, being in denial of the disease, I take offense with your attitude.
1
I'm not religious in the least, yet I want to say God bless you. It is so amazing that you are sharing your story, a story we all need to hear. And being open and vulnerable (a word so many people hate - because they don't want to feel it themselves). Some people are afraid to even say they feel scared, alone, depressed and then have no opportunity for real connection. Your openness is a gift for anyone who has struggled with deeply painful things, not only mental illness such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I'm glad you have Bird in your life. And we are all lucky that you have the courage to tell your story.
3
Beautifully written. As a medical professional as well as a son whose mom suffered a psychotic break through bipolar disorder, this hits home so well through your wonderful writing. Hats off to you for your courage, your humor and realism in addressing this common stigmatic issue.
20
Zack, such a moving essay, thank you! All the best to you and your mom. Wishing you lots of success with your upcoming “A Memoir of Madness and a Mother’s Love”. Good luck!
6
Life is too hard to have to be mentally healthy enough for two people. When your partner needs a bottle of pills to barely function mentally, you should think again. Well-meaning pats on the back for being a great supporter aren't enough. They aren't meant to be. That's just well-paid strangers shining you on. It isn't always your turn, either.
7
I feel fortunate to have had major depressive disorder for over 20 years with no psychotic features but at least five suicide attempts. We are in the same section of the DSM 5 along with schizophrenia. I say fortunate because your suffering is more than one should have to bear.
Perhaps it is because I live in a secluded area of the country where NAMI is not active, but there are no road races for mental illness, no fundraisers for people with mental illness, no social support for mental illness. No one ever says that we "battle" mental illness , fight mental illness. We are the crazy uncle Fred in the attic. Thank you for your courage to come forth and let uncle Fred out of the attic.
20
There is more awareness and support groups for people with mental illness than forty or even twenty years ago, when it was all such a horrible secret. Hopefully more people will recognize that mental illness is like other diseases that affect one's ability to function properly. This disease, though, requires a very great deal of compassion.
In my original post - I discussed my education because the definitions of most mental illnesses have officially been changed by the American Psychiatry Association in conjunction with European Psychiatric organizations.
"schizophrenia" is now an affect, an outward type of manic depression, a phase if you will, and
The US has adopted the term bi-polar to describe that which was in the past diagnosed as schizophrenia.
To read up on such changes, which are vast, I recommend journeying to the above mentioned organization's websites for their authoritative findings.
I believe from my reading that "schizophrenia" no longer exists but rather there are phases of being manic, catatonic, and psychotic, along with euphoria and clarity in a person who suffers from such an illness.
3
Chris,
I believe that your understanding of the DSM V is not an accurate one. Schizophrenia does continue to exist as a distinct diagnosis. It is not an "outward type of manic depression." Bipolar Disorder, formerly known as manic depression, is also a distinct diagnosis. Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder are not the same diagnoses.
8
A great essay, and important to help people without known mental illness to understand what it is like to have an "invisible" condition that needs to be managed for the rest of your life. Thank you for speaking out and being an advocate for yourself and others. I'm glad you have a close relationship with your mom, that's got to help a lot. Love is everything.
7
What a heartbreaking story and so courageously told. I commend your honesty and efforts to help others. You are getting treatment and, while not a miracle cure, it is the best you can do. I have enormous admiration for the Bird for providing honest and tough support in a horrible situation.
I had a sister who was mentally ill, but my family was unwilling to acknowledge her mental illness. In their view all her problems, and there thousands of them, were due solely to terrible bad luck. My mother discouraged my sister from seeking treatment – there was nothing wrong with her.
The situation was codependence on steroids: my mother did everything she could to avoid the possibility that there was anything wrong with my sister.
When my sister’s house was filthy my mother cleaned it. When my sister’s clothes were dirty my mother washed them. When my sister had no food my mother cooked meals and brought them to her. My sister was a lawyer and worked for Legal Aid, but was soon fired for non-performance. My mother thereafter paid my sister’s expenses.
When my mom got old and sick she gave my sister sole power of attorney. My sister used her POA to steal all our mom’s money and dump her as a ward of the state. Things would have been so much better with treatment. My sister feared physicians and, shortly after our mom died, she died as well of a readily treatable illness.
You and the Bird are doing a great job in a terrible situation. Congratulations.
15
What a well written piece: a contribution to society that you are more qualified to make than most.
Thank you for giving a glimpse of the talent, intelligence, heart, torment, and grit that can go hand in hand with mental illness.
We can't help our genes. All we can do is support each other and make it possible for people to get the medical care they need. What a timely reminder.
11
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Zach. Yours is an oft-repeated, but rarely heard, tale of how stigmatizing we treat people with mental illness. I am happy to hear that you are finding your comfort zone and continuing to help others, while letting others help you. Bless you.
6
Thank you for your inspiring, brave and beautiful writing.
I now know that I too, am a BIRD.
7
My son is going through the pain of recovering from of a psychotic episode. He is currently a student at GA TECH. Unfortunately a few days ago a student at GA TECH was shot and killed by police. The headlines read "Suicide by Cop" as the student had a history of mental illness that included suicide attempts, and yelled at the police to shoot him. Hopefully more awareness of mental illness will lead to fewer tragedies like this. Police need to recognize mental illness and be trained to overpower the person instead of killing him or her. I appreciate the writer and the New York Times for bringing light to mental illness
13
Yours is the fear so many of us with bipolar and schizophrenic loved ones bear. When they are adults out in the world, exhibiting strange behavior, arranging the help they need to stay safe without getting them injured, killed, or unnecessarily committed to a facility can be incredibly stressful and difficult to achieve.
5
I'm a mom of a suffering 17 year old son. I hope that your story will help create a more understanding, tolerant world for him to try to survive in. Thank you for blazing this trail, there are others behind you stumbling in the dark and we are grateful for the light that your perspective can bring.
9
Zack thanks for sharing. Your courage and intelligence are rare.
6
Thank you! As one who has tried to be Bird for my beloved sister who has lived with bipolar I disorder for fifty years, you give me comfort that maybe I've helped, though it's never felt like enough. Carry on. There is still such joy left for you.
9
"At times, I felt like electricity was shooting through my spine, that I was breathing in secrets of the universe." I remember feeling exactly like that and now - with some time under my belt - it's a rather good memory. I loved your story and as a Mom, I was so happy (but not surprised) to hear that she is your rock. What works for me is, take my meds, exercise, eat well, get as much sleep as possible and have a routine that is manageable and not too stressful. You've got this.
10
From what I've learned over years, that's a great list of techniques, though I have to admit that they are too often 'aspirational' for me. But the one about 'take my meds' is my hard-headed rule. I've told professionals repeatedly that I will never change or stop my medications without consulting with them. And though, being human, I've missed an occasional dose, I have never broken my rule. The doctors and meds don't rule me (I do), but I need them on my side.
My father's generation had less chance. They barely knew what the condition was, that they had it, or how to deal with it. He didn't follow my one rule. He was hospitalized a few times. And still, I'd say he was lucky too. It can be worse.
4
Wow. Two impressive people. Wishing you all the best.
5
Dear Gorilla, I saw your first break before I read about it--you didn't sound at all stable to me. My daughter was diagnosed I at age 19 in her freshman year of college and spent 16 days in the hospital after her first (and only, knock wood) break, during which she ran into traffic to escape my son and I, who she thought were trying to kill her. We tried to get her to voluntarily admit for 7 years--total mishandling by the hospital staff--before this happened and I had to call the police/crisis center. She, too, was sedated and took days to come out of that.
She finished college, works part-time and tries to find work in her field.
Medications mostly work but we've had a tough go lately. They're imperfect and many are required for a single disorder. It's scandalous, really.
I am her Bird. My biggest fear comes from knowing this Bird isn't going to life forever.
I am glad you are better and I look forward to reading your book.
7
Don't give up on finding other medications. The Neuropharmacology Department of the University of California at San Diego is world famous for its research on psychiatric treatments - varying doses, combining medications, and targeting the medication for an exact condition. Read, research, CATLINE, MEDLINE. Travel to a university hospital library. Get a Library Card, access the medical databases, learn to read the peer reviewed technical research; it's the only way to make a difference when seeking out a better medical solution.
At least your loved one is open to trying something else.
6
Meant to say we tried to do a voluntary admit for seven hours as the psychosis worsened leading to needing to "arrest" her. And that I am not going "live" forever, not life. Very stressed, obviously.
2
Thanks...research is my field...we've got some good help but honestly none of the meds have been studied in combo. Appreciate your thoughts.
1
Thank you so much for sharing this. My ex-husband is bipolar and I watched him struggle for years with his mental illness. He's brilliant - two Master's degrees. He's highly successful in his career. He hides his mental illness well. No one knew for the first 45 years of his life - including his parents. But he could not hide it from me, and ultimately, it led to the demise of our marriage. I am so happy you found the right meds to help. That is something he has struggled with. It is a relief to see more and more people bringing mental illness to light in publications like this. The more we talk about it, the more people will understand it. Thank you again for your courage in sharing this story. Best of luck to you!
8
Thanks so much for sharing. I completely understand that (justified) fear of facing work colleagues after having said or done some bizarre things. I don't have bipolar disorder, I have chronic severe major depression (official diagnosis), but back in college I had a psychotic break as bad as yours sounds. I should have transferred but didn't. It's always painful to be identified as the girl who went crazy. That was a very long time ago, and it still embarrasses me to think of some of the things I said and did during that break.
6
As someone who helps a badly ill person this country's medical structures for helping the mentally ill are disgraceful. Even with disability, hospitals tend to be revolving doors, the transitions to outpatient programs ill-fitting or missing and the programs themselves mind numbing and inadequate. The result is often that hospital stability rapidly decays back into out-of-control.
The lack of programs increases the resistance to seeking and accepting treatment. The criteria for involuntary treatment is so narrowly drawn around suicidality and danger to others that the merely mad and disruptive are most likely be only punished as criminals.
4
This was wonderfully uplifting, and beautiful;
Having gone through similar times in life, has me appreciating your word that much more - I'm very glad the Gorilla had his Bird.
5
Thanks for sharing this, Zack. You are incredibly brave for telling your story and my heart goes out to you for what you have been through. I do research in a Psychiatry Dept at a large university and I hope you know how hard people work to understand the brain bases of mental illness and how we can help people and families who suffer from them. Peace to you.
5
This account is so honest and right on for those of us who've watched a loved one attempt to put one foot out into the world after the devastation of a psychotic break. NAMI family to family classes helped us all appreciate just how traumatic these episodes are, and sharing our genuine fear and despair with people going through similar episodes has helped as well. Thank you for sharing your story. The pain of a chronic disorder like this is life-long.
5
Kudos to you for your story and battle. More power to Bird for hanging in there. I divorced my ex 10 yrs ago almost to the day, he with bipolar disorder (his psychiatrists would never agree on the diagnosis...schizoaffective or bipolar.) I watched him tear through three high powered jobs in engineering , government and the private sector, each time lasting less time amidst delusions of grandeur and paranoia. The front door lock was changed twice weekly. The password on the computer- to just access it- was 45 characters long. I was met halfway home from work with a loaded rifle and accusations that I was sleeping with my coworkers, or neighbors, depending on the week. I would eat meals in the car to stay away from home, and my work in an extremely high stress life and death environment was a Haven for me. I had to wait for my ex to want a divorce so that I could safely get out. I get Bird's 'phone distance' because it isn't safe or sane for her otherwise. Untreated, unmedicated bipolar patients will drag down and destroy everyone around them who try to help. My ex was an extremely intelligent and unfortunately very dangerous individual due to this illness. I hope pharmacotherapy advances so that the medications are not part of he disease.
8
Zack, I am so sorry you have to live with this. My daughter does too. After struggling during her college years--failing courses, losing jobs, cycling through highs and lows while refusing to acknowledge there was anything wrong--she had a psychotic break and checked herself in to the hospital. Visiting her in that mental hospital was one of the most painful things I have ever done. When I married her father I did not realize he had a mental illness; his family hid that from me. It was only when she was a toddler that I found out, and I had feared since that she too would inherit his terrible disease. She went back for that last semester she needed to graduate, soldiered on, and then moved home with me. This month, we are celebrating the first anniversary of her current job. She goes to therapy, to her psychiatrist, and takes her medication. She is more stable and happier than she has been in years. She has started looking for her own place, and she is in a relationship. So life is good. For now. But her father has disappeared. She hasn't heard from him in over a year, and thinks he has stopped taking his medication again. I hope that researchers find a cure someday soon, so bright, caring people like you and her, like her father, and so many others, don't have to struggle their entire lives. And so we, the mothers who love you, can worry a little less. My heart goes out to you and your mom. (I'm a teacher too.) Wishing you the best in your struggle. Jennifer
12
Thanks for sharing. My brother has bipolar disorder. It's difficult to process, and cloaked in self-doubt about how to help. Stories like yours are helpful in feeling less isolated. Good luck in your recovery.
7
Thank you for being brave enough to write this excellent, honest and accurate piece and thanks to the NY Times for publishing it. It's time we brought the reality out into the light.
6
What a moving and eloquent piece. Zach, you are a natural writer and you have an important story to share. It seems through writing, you are finding your own path to the Bird life. Helping others is a powerful stabilizing act. I wish you well and I will buy your book, partly because I have struggled with my own, at times, nearly debilitating anxiety, and also because the small bits of dialogue in this piece lead me to believe that within the fabric of your story I'll find refreshing humor and beauty. You can't fake character, and clearly you and your mother have a lot of it. Best of luck to you.
5
Bless you, Zack, for sharing such an impossibly difficult journey with humor and grace. You've done more good than you could know. It does get better.
7
Zack, you are exceptionally courageous. Thanks for writing this.
7
I am bird to my wife as she is to me. Her path has taken her out of the workaday world with a diagnosis of Bipolar ll, rapid cycling. Under the care of an excellent, talented, highly-trained and personally committed psychiatrist, she Is Largely high-functioning .Which is not to say that we don't have our periodic hospitalizations. I work, with adjustments to my medication regimen. It is a forever disease, but two people can love each other. The bravery and optimism in this article is encouraging. We also do not keep our disease a secret.
12
I'd only been on the job a few weeks, my health insurance benefits had just kicked in, when I was admitted to the psychiatric ward at Roosevelt hospital at 2am. I'd tried to overdose on the meds that were supposedly keeping me sane, yet sent me overboard.
To outsiders, everything was great. A nice apartment on the UWS, a job at a good company. But I was alone, without a Bird. After not speaking for nearly a decade, my father was suddenly by my side, fighting for my release, but my psychiatrist wouldn't take me back. She'd made a mistake, she said, and could no longer treat me.
My first day back at the office, I swiped my badge, the door to my department unlocked, I stuck out my chest, smiled widely, and informed everyone that a pizza lunch was on me. Inside, I was empty, but pizza, somehow, would fill the void I'd left them with, and the void within me.
I provided my supervisor with the certification that I was not certifiable. Received the negative performance review due to my 'prolonged, and unplanned absence.' Then, I was sat back down at my cubicle, hoping, pretending, that no one knew. I lasted two more years before they'd had enough.
My mind and I still quarrel. But, in the past decade, I've surrounded myself with birds who chirp when they don't hear from me. I've built a nest with the sticks each bird brought me, and helped me place in just the right spot.
You are not alone. I admire your courage, which has given me strength as well. Thank you.
16
You have a nice descriptive and imaginative writing ability. One of the type I envy!
4
Good essay. I just wish that employers had a program for both the workers who return to work after treatment and their coworkers. I have a co-worker who for 2 years has come and gone with breakdowns. She has done things at work that frighten me and my coworkers for her and for ourselves. There is no program here to help.
8
There are mental health based programs available for instructors to educate and train people on how to recognize behavior changes, including if a person is at risk of harming themselves or others, and how to communicate and be safe until appropriate help arrives.
3
"Our symptoms are our behavior, and the disease makes us do humiliating and dangerous things."
Back when I was counselling families about their elderly relatives affected by dementia, I try to say something along these lines. Their relatives' problematic behavior, ranging from wandering to cursing to repeatedly asking questions to being mean when they weren't before, were often manifestations of the illness, not a reflection of the person they knew previously and loved. That was a revelation to many people and helped them cope with their family member.
To the healthcare professionals who deal with psychiatric or neurological disease, you are in a unique position to educate family members, employers, friends, etc. about a person's disease. What you say/ write can have a huge impact on how they are viewed/ treated.
12
So much courage. Such beautiful generous writing. It takes a lot to make me cry, but I have tears in my eyes. Only those who live with an unruly nervous system know what it is like. Thank you.
31
Thanks for this essay. Just a thought, a wonderful outlet on the road to wellness is pursuing stand up comedy. Crowds are very supportive and making and hearing laughs is a natural high.
Good luck.
7
I am impressed by your story -- by you and your mom. Beauty is truth, truth beauty, etc. Thank you for sharing this.
26
This is a beautifully written brave and honest essay. Thank you for sharing.
41
Very moving. Thank you for the courage to share your humanity.
25
Last year I took a several-week leave from my job due to a serious relapse of lifelong depression. I'm lucky: my employer's leave policies are generous, and my colleagues were reasonably understanding. I'm a very capable person, and I decided I could handle whatever stigma or bad feelings might result.
But it was still hard. Our local HR office was oddly clueless, and some of my colleagues felt resentful. It's complicated.
71
Great for you. I have a mental illness myself - OCD - but at times it feels like something worse. It's "pure-O", not the compulsive hand-washing and doorknob-cleaning routine that everyone knows about. And that makes it harder to deal with, and dealing with a job on top of that can seem like hell on earth. But I did it, working for the state registry of motor vehicles, and I took early retirement when it was offered by the governor to all eligible employees to save money. I have some idea of what you went through and are going through. Just keep up the good fight. You have a great friend in the Bird, more than many people have. You will find your place, just hang in there.
45
Your bravery makes me ashamed that I have kept secret from my co-workers the fact that my mother, in the vice-grip of paranoia, clinical depression, and personality disorder. lived in a camper on her beautiful property amidst a sea of cats, clothed in filthy, peed-up rags and probably eating nothing but cat food. I had asked a social worker to intervene, but my parents refused the help. Later, when my father had a heart attack and was hospitalized, I went to the police to tell them of my mother's deplorable living conditions and that she wouldn't eat the food I had brought her. At first, they harshly accused me of not helping her. I was finally able to convince them that, by not eating, my mother was doing harm to herself. According to NY State law, that’s the only way they were allowed to help her. They dragged her out of the camper while she was screaming at them, calling them Nazis. Dead cat carcasses were discovered in my parents’ house. It took all this to get my mother into a hospital to receive her diagnosis.
Our society is so Puritan that some people think a mentally ill person’s behavior is their fault. Others deny that their loved one even suffers from an illness. Instead of letting mentally ill people rot or go to prison we need to provide help for them and for their family.
300
Hugs to you! I went through that with my own mother from when I was a child through age 18 (1965), when I finally managed to get her committed to the state hospital. It's rough, for sure. And feeling like you don't dare tell a soul is also hard.
6
thank you so much for the hugs! Same to you. I'm sorry that this tragedy happened during your childhood - that must have been really tough.
What made it especially hard for me was being an only child and having to go to the police by myself - actually, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. My friends were at work. That's why people in this situation need a hotline to call.
4
My twin sister is mentally ill and currently enmeshed in the criminal justice system in California. Before landing in county jail and eventually being transferred to the state psychiatric hospital, she was homeless. I am surprised to hear that you were able to convince the authorities in NY that your mother was harming herself. In California the bar seems unreasonably high for that determination. When my sister lost her job, one year before she finally lost her apartment, I thought: this is how mentally ill people become homeless. And there was nothing I could do about it. Despite having made threats against me and my children, she was never determined to be a danger to herself or anyone else, until she was arrested for assaulting someone she believed was intending to harm her.
3
The mettle that exists within you and the Bird is extraordinary. If I could be half as good a mother as the Bird, I would count it as an unqualified success. I am rooting for both of you with every fiber of my being.
72
I think everyone who read this is pulling for you and for everyone struggling with such issues. And respect to your Mom! Good luck.
102
Very true. A brave and inspiring article. Good luck to you and your mom!
...and pulling for all the dependents of people struggling with those issues. As 'preservationist' said, the US must get over its Puritanical ideas about mentally ill people because the ruin that they can bring to a family and those around them is indescribably -- and it can be prevented.
3
Thank you for sharing your experience with Bipolar disorder! I am a Bird to a teen who has recently been diagnosed as having Bipolar I and can identify with many aspects of your story. It's comforting to know that we are not the only ones out there experiencing this illness. May your writings lead to better care for the mentally ill in both hospitals and prisons where they indeed don't belong in the first place. Many blessings to you and your mother!
173
Yes, heartbreaking and brave. I too am a Bird to a son with BD1, and this article tore my heart apart and at the same time made me realize my son--and I--and my husband--are not alone. Hoping for both medical advances and more social understanding. One thing missing for us is a cadre of people going through what we are.
2
"bipolar disorder is something to be managed, not cured."
My partner, who was diagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar I, was told the same thing. No one could explain why this was happening to her, but as she noted, no one seemed to be looking for the cause. The mental health professionals had powerful drugs to overwhelm her mania while causing other mental and bodily disorders. She could take them or leave them.
Mostly she left them before returning to a mental hospital in a police car. In between these terrifying episodes, we noted all of her symptoms: fatigue, abnormal heart beats, visual difficulties, muscle stiffness, nerve tingling or numbness, and other phenomena that seemed to come and go at random but with careful tracking were seen to covary with every other menstrual cycle.
We compared these symptoms to numerous diseases and syndromes. Some involved genetic abnormalities, so she got tested. Nutrition and hormone testing followed. Doctors advised, misdiagnosed, helped and hindered.
Eventually we discovered she had neuroborreliosis (lyme disease) coupled with genetic variations that promote mania. With a variety of herbs and supplements targeting specific cytokines plus thyroid medication, she no longer has significant psychiatric symptoms, other symptoms have resolved, and she is safely off of psych meds. She is healing, not just managing her illness.
Psychiatric patients deserve competent care. For now, it seems, they must create it for themselves.
46
I am glad you found a solution for your partner, but the implication that competent care will reveal an undiagnosed medical condition, that will explain the mental illness and treatment of this previously undiagnosed medical condition will cure the mental illness , suggests that mental illness is not real as a long term diagnosis. Bipolar schizophrenia and depression are real illnesses in and of themselves.
9
How did she find the causes? It sounds like she must have found some excellent medical care that delved deeply.
The medical system is too quick to declare someone "mentally ill." I'm sorry, but I fully believe that there are many, many people misdiagnosed (as I was) for years before a proper (non-mental) diagnosis. People are just too wedded to the idea that a quick diagnosis is the best. It's not.
I would have died had I not taken matters into my own hands and said "enough." In fact, for a long time even my psychiatrist and therapist raised the idea--very subtly because they didn't want to lose the business (yes, that's what it comes down to) that I had an autoimmune (based on physical tests done while inpatient psyche). That is just one of my PHYSICAL illnesses which manifested as MENTAL. Not once did they say, maybe you should get a complete physical and uncover what's really going on (turned out to be both autoimmune and genetic illnesses). Instead, they were more than happy to take my insurance plus out-of-pocket money for many years.
I had to save my own life and rescue myself from misdiagnosis because no one in the psych system wanted to let go of an insurance cash cow. That is the sad and honest truth which very few people want to face in the light of the psychiatric behemoth. Psychiatry has way too much power and influence.
Thanks for sharing your story. I've struggled with depression and bipolar disorder throughout my life, and at 59, am still alive to tell the tale. Alcohol abuse made everything worse. I've discovered that it's a never-ending journey - finding a safe and productive combination of the right meds, exercise, talk therapy, diet, job, climate, etc., has been exhausting. Most of my treatment(s) were not covered by insurance. It's a miracle that I've managed to have a somewhat productive life. At times, however, I do lament what might have been. The genetic link to mental illness is very, very strong. As many others noted, health insurance support for mental illnesses is still woefully inadequate. I have two wonderful kids that mean the world to me - I hope that things improve should they find themselves in need of treatment.
33
There are some profound lessons in this very personal story we all really need to learn about people we meet on the street and everyday life. I have had my own health issues, mostly physical in nature, but who in pain is not suffering a mental illness? I have battled to think straight like I had been as an engineer. But even when I worked, someone I worked closely with might kid me about my limping. One small company president actually asked me, "Who won?" when my arm was in a sling. Humor done right might catch on. Somehow we must learn.
8
Thank you Zack, for your courage in sharing. Do you notice, as I do, that when health care is discussed, mental illness is never mentioned? 90 percent of internists take health insurance; only 50 percent of psychiatrists do. If you're fortunate to find one, they will be tightly booked, and unable to give attention needed to serious cases, or will not take what they deem as difficult ones. And if you don't have insurance? The system is impossible. I'm glad you got the help you needed; I wonder how you found it.
42
Yes, in the "old days" insurance companies often would either not cover mental health at all, or cover it under different terms than "medical" issues - like higher additional deductibles, higher percent patient responsibility, etc. When equal coverage was mandated, they responded by more or less freezing and reducting the reimbursment to treatment providers, both MD and PhD, to the point that many cannot/will not sign into networks that reimburse poorly. They're still not covering mental illness well, in spite of the data that shows that good mental health treatment reduces "medical" expenses over time. Let alone the deep individual and societal suffering.
24
Very true. I work in an ER. Patients with mental illness and insurance can literally walk in stating that they are depressed and need a medication adjustment, and will be admitted into a bed. Patients without insurance will likely be offered a crisis bed for the evening with psych appointment a few months out. I've seen quasi-homicidal patients be released by the police and human services because there wasn't enough to hold them involuntarily at the state hospital, sometimes the only option for the uninsured.
4
So brave, and such a clear description of just what happens. Thanks, and my best to you. It's a rough road but keep walking it. You have much to give.
30
I've suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder since childhood, maybe from infancy, but I wasn't diagnosed until my late 40s. Until then, I thought my anxiety, depression, irritability, anger and inability to control my temper were failures of character - a lack of self-discipline and self-control - which, after all, is what I was universally told as a child.
In one way, diagnosis did make life easier. I came to a better understanding of my own personality - so much of which grows from mental illness, which resulted from things done to me rather than things I had done. Knowing that made it possible to ease up even just slightly on my own self-condemnation. Ironically, learning that my inability to control my temper wasn't my fault made it just a little easier to control it.
In other ways, diagnosis didn't really help. For instance, although I have good health insurance, finding mental health providers competent to treat my condition and getting health insurance to cover that treatment has been all but impossible. And most physicians seem to have limited knowledge of the connection between mental health and physical health. Turns out that mental health care in this country is in its infancy.
Given my disability and its manifestations in anxiety, irritability and anger, I feel that I've done pretty well in life. But there have been moments when I wondered how much farther I might have gone in a world where mental illness didn't matter.
politicsbyeccehomo.wordpress.com
29
There is still time, and potential. Look up Bessel Van Der Kolk who specialises in the treatment and most importantly, the cure of trauma both adult and stemming from childhood at www.besselvanderkolk.net and, also EMDR which is one of his most effective therapies. And if you have already, perhaps this might be of use to others who suffer from the consequences of Trauma. Today, there is more hope than ever before. Don't despair because many of these cogent therapies are available world wide and are affordable and don't require years and years of costly therapy that most can't afford anyway.
6
Zack, I wish you God's Peace.
20
Awesome insights! Awesome man! I'll get your book to thank you for showing me what real courage and strength is.
25
I lost my bipolar husband to suicide two years ago. Everyone always talks about how bipolar is "manageable" with medication, but what you don't hear is just how many patients don't make it and commit suicide.
56
Susan my deepest condolences to you and your family. Another heart breaking reminder that, in so many cases, bipolar disorder and depression are terminal illnesses.
3
I'm very sorry for your loss of your husband. I'm bi-polar now but I started out in childhood as very depressed. I flipped to manic in my 30s while being medicated for the management of a particularly intractable depression. Now I am rapid cycling between mania and depression. The meds I take are supposed to even things out but in fact they work to restrain manic outbursts and flatten the expression of affect. Being bi-polar is exhausting. And the pain of the depression is very sharp and overwhelming, leading to suicide being viewed as the only way out. Your husband was tormented by his brain chemicals. Now he is at rest. It's not your fault. Bi=polar and depressed people make rotten life partners. Hope you will find happiness with a man without mental illness.
1
Rather than stigmatizing mental illness, maybe it's time for society to recognize the bravery of people who basically have to go to war with their own minds everyday. Of course de-institutionalization, attributed mostly to the rise of psychotropic drugs and HMO's, was badly needed (anyone who doesn't think so should familiarize themselves with the famous "On Being Sane in Insane Places" study from the 1970s), because locking people up had become abusive and a form of social control. Now the jails have become mental institutions. Society needs to do better: it does have some responsibility for the kinds of people it produces and the lives it demands they lead. After society tackles that one, maybe they can get together and figure out how to put bricks together and build houses for people. It really shouldn't be too much to ask.
34
A note to Zack:
Thank you for your honesty, and even more importantly, your courage. Since your first episode with Bipolar Disorder, everything you've done and every step you've taken require incredible courage.
With that in mind, I'd like to tell you that, contrary to your statement regarding being powerless over your illness, you are, in fact, absolutely powerful to mange Bipolar disorder. You have a powerful support system in your mother. I encourage you to expand that support system to include others who are worthy of your trust.
You also have the advantage of medications and much research into brain disorders. The research will advance and you will benefit from it. It does take time.
I think key to longer periods without the ups and downs of Bipolar is to do your best to recognize the signs of pending relapse and have a plan in place to minimize (and even avoid) the consequences of a break.
There is no cure at this time, but you are all powerful to manage the illness. And you clearly have the courage.
Be well as you move forward in a meaningful and satisfying life.
40
Thank you. This is one of the most frustrating facets of bipolar for me because feeling powerless often leads to self-perpetuating victimhood, and victimizing others through dependency. However, it seems some acceptance of the unpredictable nature of this illness is necessary in order to keep moving forward.
My stepson has inherited bipolar disorder. I am trying to teach him the lifestyle tools that will keep him healthy and powerful over his illness. Bipolar seems to fight my efforts daily: extreme impulsivity coupled with memory difficulties mean that he often doesn't connect prior lessons about cause and effect to the situation at hand. He's 17 but his actions often resemble a pre-teen.
I know that being able to manage the illness is an important feature of being functional with the illness, and I often wonder whether self-management is a universally achievable goal for people with Bipolar 1.
Accepting one's powerlessness over one's substance addiction is a pillar of recovery, and I wonder if it might not be a pillar of recovery for mental illness as well: I can see that without that acceptance, some might be prone to self-blame, or even to blaming others because they believe there should be the ability to control the illness.
For many, there's no control because their illness inhibits their ability to control anything. This has caused a great deal of shame for my son, but I feel like the radical acceptance that Zach espouses might help, if he could achieve it.
13
Radical acceptance comes with maturity and from the humility that grows out of experience. His own. Can I encourage you by saying that impulsivity and the inability to learn from what we as adults would consider a no brainer is normal. I and many friends with teenage sons, suffering from different disorders(and you would be surprised at the number of teens who run into serious mental health problems) their age and immaturity contributes in no small measure to the problem. Impulsivity goes with the struggle they go through to achieve adulthood, however frustrating and inexplicable it seems to us. But they do grow, as their brain matures and they begin to accept and recognise behaviour patterns that contribute to their illness. And memory issues abound. Wanting to manage it comes with the insight achieved through maturity and experience. And what is most difficult for us to tolerate and make sense of is the endless, seemingly useless repetition. A seventeen year old boy, is not equipped to exercise the necessary discipline to get control. It doesn't matter that we explain or exercise compassionate listening or intervene. And I revert to the old saying " You can't put and old head on young shoulders ". And that's as relevant in this arena as any other. And try to go easy on yourself. Time helps greatly and he will not fully mature until he's about 25. He will have learned an enormous amount by then. Stick with him and get lots of support for yourself. You're doing a great job.
3
I can so relate to your story. I, too, struggled for over 30 years with episodes of serious depression interspersed with suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations. My family thought I was insane. I attribute much of this to: growing up in an alcoholic family, addiction to drugs and alcohol, and a predisposition to mental illness. I have recovered! I'm now sober almost 8 years, am off most medications, work several 12 step programs, and know in my heart that a loving Higher Power has my back. I feel that God has done for me what I could not have done for myself. (AA Promises) There is hope out there for people like us. Don't give up!
16
Thank you for your raw and honestly told story. Take care.....
19
Funny thing is I had a similar experience as you, Zack, when I was 23 and now at 71 I found myself hesitant to share my experience being concerned about what people might think and how that might affect me. Those thoughts speak to how much further we as a society need to go to arrive at a way of viewing mental illness with understanding and compassion.
In my case in 1970 I found myself sitting on a sidewalk in mid Manhattan meditating. I was taken handcuffed in a police squad car to Bellevue which was full so then to Elmhurst General. On the way I was sure I was being taken to LaGuardia Airport to meet Mick Jagger but instead was locked in the psych ward. I then began a years long odyssey wherein I was fortunate enough to have had the support of some very frightened parents and the help of some very competent and compassionate mental health professionals.
In the midst of all that turmoil I also had a day back to work similar to yours where I had occasion to be holding a knife in my hand(it was a tool of the job) and needed to walk into the office which was adjacent to the shop. The result was some very nervous glances but fortunately things got better with time and I was "accepted" in time if never fully embraced as a "normal" employee.
In the years since I was gradually able to fully "integrate" into society and now am a retired grandfather who is finally is enjoying enough doses of serenity to fully enjoy life. Thanks for your honesty. Keep on steppin'
99
Thanks for sharing this story. I'm so happy to hear you are enjoying doses of serenity and I'm sure you appreciate them so much more than the "average" person. Be well, Ed.
25
I'm sorry to hear your story, and very glad that you've made it this far. I do understand, at least somewhat.
My father was diagnosed Bipolar I, and I've been treated for milder Bipolar II for most of my adult life. I've just gotten to retirement, after a long, successful but uncomfortable career. I'm proud that I've done it, and now very relieved. But I never told people in my office, other than a couple of managers (who were very sympathetic and positive). I expect that co-workers guessed, however. So one time, after an outburst in a big meeting (and I was proven right, later; like that helps), a mid-level manager said, through my immediate supervisor: 'Well, he didn't get up out of his seat. He didn't physically approach that other person. Okay then. Move on.' I was literally hiding in my office, thinking like I'd broken my life. But...move on.
I've been lucky, in many ways, being well-educated and so skilled that my employer really needed me to continue. But it's been so uncomfortable, for years and years, wondering, worrying, second guessing myself. I really doubt that many people could understand. I remember seeing Stephen Fry on video once. He told of a friend who, if I recall correctly, was bipolar and had managed not to kill himself. (No nice way to say that.) His friend told Fry something like: 'If I could trade this for loss of an arm, I'd do it.' I thought, "Yeah, that's about right."
Please carry on. Many more people will support you than you think.
51
I am, right now, someone's "Bird". I am the ex-wife of someone with schizoaffective disorder.
One thing that Zach's story subtly underscores is the need for someone with mental illness to have an advocate throughout the course of their lives - there are times when a broken brain just cannot do the work of being self-sufficient. A common symptom of the disorder is thought disorganization.
The first psychotic break of my husband's that I experienced was due to his acceptance onto Medicare as his SSD claim was accepted. It sounds counter-intuitive, but here's how it worked:
While waiting for his claim to be accepted, he was served by Medicaid, seeing a psych monthly and getting meds free. When he was accepted by SSD, he was sent $13,000 in back-payments, and a thick packet of paperwork with enrollment forms for Medicare Part A, app's for Parts B, D, and Advantage plans.
He freaked out and threw the paperwork away! He couldn't figure out enrollment, or which Part D plans covered his meds, or that he was ineligible for Advantage plans. Coverage lapsed. Manic, and without meds, he spent his check on drugs alcohol and junk in 2 months.
He needed help to find a Dr. that took Medicare; he needed help to pay the $600 donut-hole co-pay for his tier 1 anti-psychotics; he couldn't go in public without a freakout and needed someone else to run his errands.
Our local Area Agency for Aging and Disabilities has social workers for only the elderly and people with physical disabilities.
34
And the point of this article is... ? Maybe you should have found yourself a new job? Many people suffer - I'm glad you have come to that realization - life is hard and the human animal is frail.
The point is the author's humanity. The point is, despite people holding judgmental viewpoints like yours, the author is striving to maintain his own life and contribute to society. The point is, it could happen to anyone, and it will hit the self-righteous the hardest.
26
The point of the article is literally in the last paragraph. Did you read it? Here:
"What I could do, though, was speak and write honestly about being utterly at the mercy of my illness, and being pulled from the brink by the care of one person’s love. And that’s what I am doing now."
Millions and millions of people suffer from mental illness in this world, so this guy is simply talking about it. There's nothing wrong with sharing a life experience and hoping it will resonate with someone else.
49
The point of your comment?
You need help? Or maybe a heart?
39
Excellent piece.
14
It is well past time that we did away with the stigma attached to mental illnees. The way we treat mental illness is a disgrace. Our jails and prisons are defacto mental institutions and our streets are littered with whar are deemed "throw away" people.
18
Practically, this may not matter to you. But maybe the stigma and the irrational inconsistency will hit home. The New York Times takes the position that you should never be allowed to own a gun because of your involuntary hospitalization. It seems like your medication will make your condition manageable. That is doesn't matter. The Times favors restoring rights to ex-felons. And it favors getting most illegal possessors of guns out of jail. But you're a different animal. You're seriously mentally ill and you've been committed. So the Times favors treating you as dangerous for the rest of your life, no matter how well your medication works, Just thought you'd like to know what your "friend"in the media really thinks about you.
2
Ex-felons should have the right to vote, getting people out of jail does not mean giving them guns. Not all illnesses can be controlled or cured. So who should have guns?
Military, police, hunters of food, why more?
8
Why bring gun rights into this discussion when it was wasn't even mentioned in the article?
16
Does this mean that you wish to arm bipolar people? Is the absence of a gun the cause of Zack's discomfort? Happiness is not a warm gun.
9
Brave. Love to Bird.
17
Zack reerrs to *dt as a "madman".
We, the thinking, educated and aware members of the Country see him as a bloating fool, more at home on the elementary school playground than as a national spokesman for America, as he panders to the pathetic 32% who still support his foolishness.
Even W, with his word mangling, was more adept at statecraft than *dt will ever be.
5
This one will stick with me for a long time. Thank you, Zack. Your honesty will save lives. Keep on steppin'. You have much to offer the world.
19
Bravo!
8
Good luck to you. Keep on fighting. And love to your mother.
14
Zack. Have you every considered working for a non-profit that works with people who experience chronic mental illness? I would love for you to work for me as I could use a smart lawyer to fight the truly insane bureaucracy that is supposed to help those it is chartered to protect. This is why our jails are filled with people who do not belong there, but have no where else to go. Your insight is tremendous and it will help you overcome the worst part of this most horrible of diseases in the long run. Good luck to you!
69
Zack,
You may be too modest to let on that to be hired by the NY public defenders' office in the first place, you must be an exceptional applicant among a large pool of exceptional applicants. Kindly don't lose sight of this fundamental fact as you continue to piece your life back together. Also, what you need to do to recover is nothing more or less than what you need to do; there is no one-size-fits-all remedy for where you find yourself, don't trust anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Practice good mental hygiene (rest, lay off alcohol and stimulants) and be who you have to be. I look forward to reading your memoir.
28
Thanks so much for keeping on keeping on! Your writing touches me deeply and you are needed to educate the uneducated. Bravo!!!!!!
15
Best wishes to you, Gorilla. You and Bird are a strong and inspiring duo. You
11
You are not alone.
10
Thank you. Thank you.
11
Right on to you, my friend. You're a good, human being.
8
You have incredible value to a society that does not understand the implications of mental illness. This WILL be your calling. Embrace who you are and what you have. Tell the world. An unknowing and ignorant world. Help them to understand and accept. You are a brave man, Zack!
21
Zack McDermott... copy editors no longer sweat all the details... Ordered your book... tell them how you spell your name... with a capital D.
Having lived in a mental institution for 6.5 years, I need to state the obvious...
We had no drugs... barely an aspirin. That was dogma... no shrinks allowed to peddle.
I also took delight in sorting out the staff, most of whom were troubled and sought our care to deal with their own stuff.
The world is crazy, and your difficulties are amusing, but you would not last long where I grew up. You would get control of yourself or you would have been sent to a lobotomy factory where your mind would have been wasted. That was the routine.
I was asked back to work there, and later asked to run the place.
I chose a different challenge: the corruption and insanity of Wall Street.
I sorted out President Clinton, but The Times did not choose to detail what happened...
Bill Clinton was a sick man. So is President Trump.
Sorting out presidents is not that difficult. But they must learn to listen.
We are dealing with megalomania in some, addiction in others.
These issues are manageable. The press is troubled.
All of us are troubled...
Get married, chose what you love and do it, raise kids. They will teach you what you need to know about yourself.
Forget the law. Lawyers are rarely honest.
3
Life IS a psychotic break.
3
Beautifully written, powerfully evoking bi-polar and compassion for all those who suffer, yourself included. Best of luck to you on your journey.
13
One of the hardest things to accept with mental illness is that while someone who is physically ill, such as a heart attack, cancer, etc. will get a lot of sympathy and support, but if you suffer from depression or bipolar disorder it is much harder because friends don't want to talk about it and they can't understand the disease.
21
Kudos to Zack. This is so beautifully written and heartfelt. It resonates and reverberates.
For me, it makes me think what could have been - if only my father would have been diagnosed in the 1950s, or received the treatment and help that Zack has received today. But it was never to be. Instead, the insanity, the chaos, the manic violence - it took over his entire life, and the life of my mother, me, and my five younger siblings. For 50+ years, I have blamed him in my mind for what he did to my mother and me. I have shunned him and shut him out, and since that day the police took him away, when I was eleven years old, I've had nothing to do with him.
Now he's 87 and the days are short. My sister said recently "have you seen him? There's not much time left."
After reading Zack's piece, I am compelled to re-think it all. Maybe it was his illness that wrecked a life, not only his but also the lives of those connected to him - wives (3) and his children. His antics (as others saw him then) were terribly abusive to those around him -- and left scars that I can never forget, and in my ways, I can never forgive him. In those days, there was no one to help - or even believe. He was brilliant, to be sure, but his disease caused him to drop out of every great opportunity he had - from West Point to Cal Tech. He went through three marriages, and each one left a poor wretched woman barely intact. And no one ever did anything. Nothing. Thank you, Zack. You've made me think.
39
Thank you for your story and courage. I also encourage you and others who can identify with your struggles to try and find a psychoanalytst trained in helping people struggling with psychotic and bipolar illnesses -- it can really help strengthen the self to thrive beyond copeing with emotional storms the medications keep contained.
10
You have my thoughts, prayers and best wishes. Mental illness, here in the Land of the Free, is a looming and persistent problem. One not easily solved, as you point out.
However, I believe that the affective disorders have been made chronic by the very "medicines" that are claimed to successfully treat these disorders. The scientific community has published thousands of pounds of paper which evidence that the the public has been mislead by the pharmaceutical industry as well as the established psychiatric industry, shocking I know.
Space here does not allow me to expand on this and all of my points are well made by others. If we, as a nation, really want to tackle the issue of these affective disorders, it will require a paradigm shift away from the lobbying dollars of the drug industry and a realization that this whole notion of "chronification" is largely drug induced. I know this because I am living it tragically watching someone I love having what was an eposodic condition turn into a rapidly cycling, chronic nightmare.
Everything I say here is documented. You have to dig, but it's all there. The answer does not lie in prison and drugs that don't work (and are proven not to work). You deserve better, we all deserve better. The drug industry's blood lust for money has done lasting damage on an epic scale and yet we still deny. Good luck to you and you have my gratitude for sharing your story.
4
I am a psych nurse. I have cared for the acutely ill, for chronic patients, adult inpatients and clinic patients. From Minnesota, to NY, to now here in So. TX. the differences in accessing services, availability of services, (or the lack of services as in TX.) continues to be inexcusable. Add to that the lack of insurance coverage, the cost of meds then add a hefty overlay of legal requirements to access services (TX requires a judge to sign a warrant to allow a person to be admitted against their will, then the police are required to take that person into custody and escort them to the psych unit. Handcuffs not optional), and we can see that stigma lives. We don't expose diabetics to this kind of treatment, but it's ok if you have a mental illness.
Zack, get involved as a peer specialist. I have had the privilege of working with peer specialists in a recent out patient clinic. All my nursing education pales compared to what I have learned and continue to learn from them. Also, check out Dr. Mark Ragins at the Village in LA. His approach to mental health is light years ahead of everyone else. You have been blessed, Zack , with skills, personal experiences, and insight into what you need to stay on your path. God bless you and your mother.
24
What an amazing, poignant and heartbreaking piece, and how beautifully written. It cut deep into the heart of bipolar disorder, something that most of us cannot begin to fathom. Keep writing Zack.
13
"I knew I had a lifelong disease." Be thankful for that--knowing and acknowledging makes all the difference. My son was diagnosed bipolar as a teenager. Many years later, despite wave after wave of paralyzing, self-destructive, and increasingly delusional mania, he remains adamant that he's fine and everyone else is out to get him. Without self-awareness, nothing short of a total break is likely to bring the medical care that could keep his demons corralled. A mother's love is not, alas, enough.
20
I can read this essay with sympathy and admiration of what Zack McDermott has had to battle through, and feel compassion for the millions who share his disability, and yet if I had met him in his bipolar delirium I'd have run from him in horror, and fervently wished that he be locked up in a prison, a psych ward, somewhere far from me, and from the rest of us "normals". If we are to start treating the afflicted with a more understanding and helpful attitude, then we're going to need a great deal more of the kind of education this article provides. And I don't know how we're going to get it, when so many other pressing problems are facing us. Applying the kind of logic that the present administration is using on the "madman" in North Korea, we'll get nowhere but a call to build more prisons and psych wards -- and privatize them, of course.
8
A powerful and effective piece of writing - kudos!
How ironic that also in the Times today is a sports article entitled "The Lonely Road Back from a Very Public Injury." That could have easily described or been the headline for this article as well!
If only people were as understanding of mental illnesses as they are about most other diseases. If only there was a bit of connective tissue in the brain, a neural equivalent of the anterior cruciate ligament, that could be directly diagnosed and operated on.
As it is, the causes of mental distress remain poorly characterized physically, and far too many people harbor the attitude that those with these illnesses somehow have themselves to blame, that they just didn't "buck up" enough. This attitude is infuriating, wrong and completely unhelpful.
I don't mean to belittle the struggle and pain of an athlete relearning to walk after a terrible injury, but I'd wager that that road back to health is not nearly as lonely as the one described here. There is no shame in breaking ones ACL, nor in being a diabetic or having cancer, but those with mental illness perpetually operate under a cloud of myth, suspicion and incorrect assumptions made by others.
Only open and honest discussion of the realities of mental handicaps, as brilliantly exemplified by this article, will help our society overcome its many prejudices against mentally troubled people
42
Thank you, Zack, and thank you who are naked in your commenting.
No exceptions; everyone who has fully shared her/his life with me has spoken of a time when feeling so utterly unlovable we seriously considered offing ourselves, their stories and mine still continuing because of the Bird or Birds in our lives who continued holding us close as we teetered on the brink.
From the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists: “It is two and a half minutes to midnight…The probability of global catastrophe is very high, and the actions needed to reduce the risks of disaster must be taken very soon.” I also hear, “If not now, when, if not me, who?”
May we then be the Birds we are born to be.
15
Mr. McDermott: I think what you have gone through since your mid-twenties, in order to be functional, quite possibly requires far more of you than anything the vast majority of our headline-grabbing "successful people" -- in sports, business, the arts, politics, science, etc. -- have ever had to go through, to achieve whatever they've achieved. I wish our society could redefine "success" as a function of the obstacles people have to face, sometimes just to be moderately functional, rather than in terms of how much prominence, power, fame, or money a person has gained: by that measure, your history and your ability to share your story make you and your mother extraordinarily successful human beings. I also wish, just as much, that our world were filled "Birds": too few sufferers, irrespective of the sources of their suffering, have lifelines to remarkable people like your mother. You two are rarities. Thank you for sharing the story of your suffering, and for the ultimate love story, about the love between a mother and her child.
- James Murrow is the author of "In Jake's Company"
60
If only everyone had their own Bird!
33
You have found your true calling, this was an incredibly honest, informative and moving piece. Thank you and my very best wishes. I'm looking forward to reading your book.
55
I guess you could say that I am "Bird" also. As I type this, I'm finding it difficult to come up with words with how I feel about your essay. Suffice it to say, I have a lot of love for you and your mom. Mental illness is a complicated, mysterious road that we are traveling. History has not been kind to those that suffer, although I will say some of the most intense, beautiful, meaningful moments have come through witnessing the courage and bravery that my son has shown. Some of the most beautiful works of art, poetry and music have come from those that suffer from what I refer to as "the exquisite pain of living". Finally, I just want to say THANK YOU for sharing this experience. It can only lead to awareness and enlightenment to others, which is a necessary thing.
71
My beloved, brilliant, engineer father's bipolarity increasingly manifested when he was 30, and his manic episodes were disastrous for us, his depressions excruciating for him. I married too young, to escape his household, and after 20 years of intermittent physical and verbal abuse, my mother took legal steps to divorce him, whereupon in a mania he choked her to death. I finally am able to wrote a memoir, Within the Family, a narrative of the ups and downs of his bipolar illness. Author Pat Conroy, who so movingly wrote of his own abusive father and their love/hate relationship, encouraged me. After my mother's untimely (age 52) death my father was properly diagnosed and maintained on lithium, and he was a wonderful high-functioning person, but when he got off his lithium, he was a raging and dangerous man. Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Manic depressives are not to be blamed for their illness, for it is not something they choose; they should be treated with mercy even as we protect ourselves from the havoc they cause.
108
I fear for my young son.
7
Ms Collins wrote "I fear for my young son."
I urge you to call NAMI, National Alliance for Mental Illness 800-950-6264.
Find the nearest local chapter and go to a meeting.
You will find people who have been where you are, just people no different than you and i. They will not have magic answers but they have resources and know the ropes of the "system". It helps put some rationality in an often crazy situation and they are people who care and want to help.
Best wishes of hope, Ms Collins.
12
I wish you good luck.
3
I would just like to post a bit further with regard to our "mental health care system"...
As stated, our family has been remarkably impressed with the services provided by NYC with regard to outpatient outreach through Bellevue Hospital and another outpatient service as an adjunct to the NY State court system. However, mental health services get short shrift under all ACA health plans in NY State. Given the marked increase in mental health issues for young adults, particularly bipolar diagnoses as well as extreme anxiety, depression and a variety of ADHD and ADD diagnoses, the mental health component of these health plans is discouragingly meager at best. As stated, competent mental health professionals in NYC simply do not take health insurance because the payments are a pittance of what they can charge full-paying clients. And we've learned there is no shortage of full-paying clients in NYC. The health insurers will pay for the meds (of course with an annual deductible and co-pays) but seem to dismiss the need for the psychiatric component and continual monitoring of patients who take these very strong psychotropic drugs. Many families cannot get the needed care because the costs are so prohibitive. We can build multi-billion dollar stadia at taxpayer expense, but cannot pay for needed health services. We have lost our way as a populace, constantly being distracted by nonsense and inanity from Washington. Meanwhile, our youth will continue to suffer.
56
Thank you for your riveting account of your illness and recovery, and thank you especially for your courage to self-disclose. The discrimination against individuals with a mental illness too often forces them into the shadows. We need more open conversations about illnesses that affect so many of us, our family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, members of faith communities; after all, bipolar disorder affects about 2% of the population; schizophrenia, about 1%; and that’s just to mention two illnesses.
We need more awareness about organizations that can help individuals and families affected by mental illness. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, has been particularly important in my life, and I hope that one day its name, along with its programs of support, education, and advocacy, will become as familiar as the American Heart Association or the American Cancer Society.
22
Mental illness is especially awful because its fundamental nature interferes with its own treatment: you are INSIDE. But it is an illness, nonetheless. It traps many people in hell because they literally do not realize that they are sick, and/or that something can be done to help them without making them into a zombie.
We too-easily forget that our brains are part of our bodies, too. We forget also that it runs on "voodoo chemistry," able to be affected e.g. by an amount of LSD that fits on the back of a postage stamp. I knew of a person who discovered that his brain was allergic to ... broccoli. (No joke. Many mental conditions have been traced to foods.)
When you finally discover what is really going on, and especially why, you are for the first time empowered to do something about it. Thank you for writing this piece. Perhaps someone else who is now trapped, as you once were, will read it and realize that there is a way out other than death.
15
I can relate so much to your mom. My middle of the night phone calls from my daughter hysterically crying in need of help. You're so lucky that your mom has been there for you but that's what we mom's do for our children. Keep writing and sharing your story. Your're a wonderful writer and advocate for all those suffering with mental illness. Keep up the fight.
23
My mother is paranoid schizophrenic who will not take her medicine. Do you know what has had the most positive impact upon her well-being? A dog. He is there for her when she is at her worst, hiding in the bathtub from the electrical rays. He also helps her socialize--people will talk to the 'crazy' lady with the cute fluffy pup. And he provides her with a sense of routine, making sure she has a reason to get up in the morning, purchase food, and care about someone other than herself. I've seen a few recent studies on the impact of pets upon the mentally ill, but I really think this is something that needs to be studied further.
125
That's a really good idea. Our pets are definitely an important part of my mentally ill son's equilibrium.
9
What would be even more better is for your mother to constantly take her meds, in the same way that a person should be taking their meds if they have a physical illness.
You are brave and honest, and your mother is wonderful. Don't blame yourself for not being able to handle Legal Aid work - it's an impossible task even for people who are considered sane. Just not a fit for you. You're not the first lawyer to decide that line of work isn't right.
32
The problem is, being a lawyer is what he trained and specialized in-a life work that he wanted to do. To not be able to handle something like Legal Aid must be a comedown or emasculating for him, again as this is what he wanted to do in his life.
Hopefully, he will be able to find another profession to do in life (and get training for) that will pay him a good living and not just minimum wage work, which seems (in my observation) to be the only thing that those dealing/recovering from mental illness can get.
Wow! Thanks, Zack, for opening up your soul. Being bipolar and having gone through some of what you went through and are going through, I applaud you for "speaking truth" about what it's like to be bipolar. What you wrote speaks volumes on behalf of all those who suffer in silence, both the sick and their family caregivers--trying to be "normal" on the outside yet knowing that there really is no "normal" on the inside.
I look forward to reading your memoir. Keep on writing and speaking out on behalf of those of us who live in invisible prisons where only the prisoners know what it's actually like "on the inside".
15
I wish the writer had noted the reason why prisons such as that at Rikers Island have become de facto mental health facilities.
With modern psychopharmacology including medications for bipolar disorder (the first specific drug for this, lithium, didn't come on the market until the 1970s), antipsychotics for schizophrenia, and antidepressants for depression, we no longer had to hospitalize people for months if not years until the acute episodes of these disorders passed on their own. However, the money saved by closing hospitals which was supposed to go to outpatient facilities so that those taking these medications could be followed and receive other services they needed such as psychotherapy was diverted for other uses. This was one of the rare instances where government policies of liberal and conservative governors matched (both Mario Cuomo in New York and Jerry Brown in California, those paragons of liberalism, did this).
And, by the way, I don't if the writer is aware of this but there was an Al Pacino movie "And Justice For All" where Jeffrey Tambor played a lawyer who went through something similar to what he describes.
4
Thank you for this brave and honest piece. Families of siblings, children, parents with mental illness can reach out to their local chapter of the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) for help. Their 12 week family support workshop is wonderful. It pulled me through one of the most difficult periods in my life and helped me help my own son develop the strength, skills and courage he needed to survive his own mental illness.
15
Mental illness enters ones life like a hurricane. It rips ones life apart: Friends, Family, community, finances, career, sense of self, trust in others. In the calm after the storm one can feel shame, sorrow, grief, and a deep fear for ones future.
To rebuild a life can feel impossible. The math is all wrong. One must face all the standard chanllenges of making ones way in this life, with much deeper questions of identity, security and competence and knowing that the storm can come again to wipe it all away.
One that has just experienced the hurricane might expect loving get well cards, flowers and community support. But for many/most FEMA does not arrive. Instead we reenter a world that see's us as the hurricane. The one that was ill is to often seen as the threat to be contained. Jails and prisons are full, others self isolate or too often choose to remove ourselves from exhistance.
Yet, we also know there can be gifts hidden in these storms...for some. Bursts of great creativity, insight and clarity. But, how does one prepare for and live knowing hurricane exist and that for others one is seen as a potential or actual hurricane?
I wish you all the best Zack McDermott. Your work is part of my proof that there can be beauty in and after the storm.
180
Rabbit Fence says, "Mental illness enters ones life like a hurricane". It also sneaks upon ones life like an assassin. As with depression, where one goes to ones law office to sleep in ones chair, and on weekends plays golf to avoid human contact.
And the next thing one sees is an extended suspension of one's professional license while under psychiatric care. Perhaps not quite as spectacular as Zack McDermott's but every bit as damaging to him and his work.
Unfortunately, diagnosis is subjective, depending on symptoms, and not objective, depending on tests such as x-rays and blood tests. I still meet people who believe that mental illness does not exist. And there are legislators and insurers who don't deal with these conditions the way they deal with broken legs and cancer.
Much of what is needed is education of those who are relatively mentally healthy, so that those who are not will be recognized will be identified and treated.
6
Thank you. Your well-written piece shines a light on an issue too long left in the dark. I admire your perseverance and am so grateful to you for your willingness to help others. And thanks to Bird for a glimpse into how a mother might help a child in this situation.
24
Thank you Zack. I am deeply moved. The more people talk about mental illness the more the stigma will fall. I have always been impressed with how the gay movement changed laws and minds because people spoke up, families and friends rallied. The more light we shine light on mental illness the more compassion and understanding will follow. Mental illness is with us every day. It is as prevalent as any other common medical diagnosis. The mentally ill spend countless energy in hiding their disease, if and when they can. Let's open our arms.
Thanks again Zack. Not only is your message important but you express yourself beautifully.
41
As an attorney who has specialized in representing disabled clients, and has employed disabled people, including a bi-polar ndividual, Zack's story is an important one. Having experienced my own mental health issues in the past, my advice to him would be to not only write, but also to use his legal training to help others directly by representing them in the much less stressful disability administrative appeals process. HIs personal insights, for example, will enable him to better communicate to the administrative law courts the nature of his clients' disabling conditions, and to increase thereby their chance of receiving the benefits they will need to live in community.
204
I was thinking that all that knowledge and his superb communication skills combined with this empathy would be valuable in a number of different areas. For his own sake, perhaps it should not be a high stress, deadline driven one. Your suggestion sounds like a good one.
1
Great idea! Also, the author points out the high rate of mental illness in correctional facilities. Perhaps he can find a position researching that further. There are moral, health, financial, and other reasons for that type of work, especially now.
3
Thanks for this story. I like your writing style, but I can also relate to your experience with bi-polar brain chemistry and its painful, life changing effects. No easy gig, this life. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding me what's most important. Like you, I have loving family members and decent medical help. I need to swallow my pride and let them help me when I'm not doing as well as I'd like. I'm very fortunate, all things considered. Many people don't have good support systems and that is something our society should care to address, in my book. Good luck and take good care of yourself. Cheers.
35
Thank you, painful as it is to read about how you've suffered. Every day, we watch our (now 16 y.o.) teenage child struggle with bi-polarity. As a parent, all you want to do is just make it better, until you finally understand that "better" is a fairy-tale goal. Only abiding love, acceptance and fealty, as exemplified by the Bird, can provide that all-important safety net you describe so well.
Pharmaceuticals enable the false belief that we are enlightened about mental illness. "S/he's off her meds" has become part of our lingo as if compliance with one's medication somehow eradicates mental illness - instead of dulling its effects. I don't make light of it though as medications have been, and always will be, a necessary fixture in our child's daily life. And we worry, every day, that she will choose mania over compliance, with all its attendant siren calls.
And, yes, there are positives - our child's immense creativity, manifested in her prolific and beautiful art, music and writing, resides firmly integrated within her disabilities, making us even question what "disability" means. That said, an individual's struggles are also a family's struggles and our child has no doubts that she is the light of our life, just as you are the Bird's.
So, yes, thank you for informing and helping us to better educate those who just don't get it, or don't want to. Our best to the Bird, and to you, and may the wind always be at your back as you fight the good fight.
65
I have had bi-polar disorder for over 20 years, though not as severe as yours. I have never had a psychotic episode, paranoia or had to be hospitalized. But I have still lost jobs, friends, apartments and still have to spend literally an entire month in bed several times a year. I am one of the 30% that meds do not work at all and so have to rely on my therapist and many lifestyle changes as coping strategies.
In the past year I have "come out of the closet" and started telling more people that I am bi-polar, though not everybody.
I was surprised to find that almost everybody I told said they had a friend or relative who had a mental illness. That was very comforting.
Hang in then and keep fighting your illness and the lack of understanding of many in the public. Times are changing and someday people with mental illnesses will be treated no differently from people with physical illnesses, like cancer or diabetes.
68
Wow, Zach, what a trip, and honesty to honesty engaged that this regimen works for you. Keep on stepping, Gorilla and Bird! Just goes to show, no matter how much education, or money, or success, we all can stumble, and need the help of our friends and loved ones to keep on stepping, or "trucking" as they used to say back in my day.
10
You've probably got at least twenty years to get things done and many years beyond to be a blessing. Course, the Beatles went so far as to sing 'all you need is love'. At a church class the other night the subject came up of Adam's opportunity to select a helpmate for himself, observing and naming each creature in his search, but without success. I wondered if perhaps they had somehow overlooked the dog. For some reason, Amazon seems to think an interest in your book suggests an interest in 'Afterglow (a dog memoir)' by Eileen Myles. Despite the often quoted, ''For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh', I think it can often be well to go to the dogs.
3
Please tell me all proceeds from the sale of this book will go to non-profit organizations servicing the mentally ill and those who cannot afford to pay for legal representation.
4
And what if the book is Zack's way of supporting himself? What if he has become a writer and that IS his profession? What about HIS future, and his ability to take care of himself as his life progresses. Please hope that he will be able to arrange for his own care, including his medical expenses, as long as he lives. He must be a giving person, as his chosen profession indicates. There is no doubt in my mind that, despite his painful and demoralizing disorder, he is giving everything he has to bring meaning to his suffering, and to be a beacon to those of us who also suffer from bi-polar disorder. Thank you, Zack.
33
It seems to me that Zack needs and has the right to care for himself first before he can care for others. He cannot work at Legal Aid, so has found writing as a constructive way to make a living AND help others with his story. Please do not begrudge him the paltry sums a writer receives when he is already doing so much for so many.
18
Psychiatric care is expensive. A lot of insurance plans only cover 10 therapy visits. If you need therapy every week to keep on an even keel, you might be out of luck. The meds cost money as well. If you don't have a job with benefits or are married to someone who has benefits, you are out of luck.
As Zack points out in his article, when he came out of the hospital, he had a job he wasn't sure if he'd be able to return to, no friends and no apartment. I am glad if he can support himself with his writing. Good luck, Zack!
10
The sheer loneliness of that those with clinical depression sometimes experience, is a terrible thing. It leaves one with the feeling that there are very few good paths forward, even when the rational mind knows exactly the opposite.
It's all about chemicals, and balance/imbalance. Deprive the brain of a fairly constant level of needed chemicals, and it acts different; *you* will act differently.
So, of course, we take *none* of that into account when people violate the law and do 'crazy' things, instead favoring making them take 'personal responsibility', and locking them in a metal box.
In fact, it may be that the reason most societies are so defensive when it comes to recognizing mental illness, is that no one really wants to believe how quickly any one of us could 'act crazy' with just a minor alteration of a brain chemical, all without ones knowledge or control. Ergo, bad actions *have* to be volitional and punished as such.
14
'Steppers keep on stepping'. That is a phrase that resonates with me. Thanks for the inspiration Zack and good luck in everything that you do.
18
Bipolar disorder in modern times?
I have no idea how much of bipolar disorder is something inherent to a person and how much is a reaction to the environment the person is in. Furthermore, there seems little clarity as to the degrees of bipolar disorder, how strongly or weakly the cycling between manic and depressed can exist, not to mention the effect the intelligence and talents of a person can have in manifestation of bipolar disorder.
For example, let's roughly superimpose the quantum conception of particle/wave on bipolar disorder. Taking myself as a particle I can say I am writing now from such and such a room, I am a being who can be placed in this or that environment. Depending on the environment I can feel more or less constricted physically and emotionally and mentally, which is to say a person is not just a particle but acts as a wave physically and is especially a wave with addition of range of mindset and interest.
Society appears with bureaucracy and technological control and workplace to attempt to fix, calculate a human being in particular and wave pattern form; in fact it is much easier to collapse a person into a particle form than to give the person free range of wave pattern movement in both physical and emotional and mental form. Which of course means the more a person is fixed in the environment the more the person oscillates between depression and mania, attempts a free play wave pattern form against being fixed.
I am mad. I do not stay put.
3
Powerful piece, Zack! Thank you for your honest account about something that is so difficult and makes you so vulnerable. I hope your writing (here and in your book) will help others. You write very well, so you have a real chance to connect with others with this illness as well as with those who are trying to understand it.
I have been Bird for too many years to count, so I empathize with your mother as well. I, too, have been on the phone, one time for an excruciating 9 hour-stretch. I don't get to say much at those times. I just listen. I figure my ear is sometimes all I can give.
I wish you and your mother well. Please read up (if you haven't already done so) on helpful things besides meds and a good therapist: the right nutrition, meditation, exercise, nature—and above all somebody(bodies) who can be there for you, in addition to Bird. That would benefit both of you!
21
I have Bipolar. This was a hard read for me.I remember all those years a forced hospitalizations, the embarrassment of the incredibly weird stuff that comes out of my mouth to this day, and the loneliness that comes from being misunderstood by even lifelong friends.
My psychiatrist was a gift. I have been seeing him for more than a dozen years and his patient, humorous, and always non-therapy therapy. He does amazing therapy by just talking with me about books, movies, tv and his country boy humor. His therapy did not focus on what was wrong with me, but what was healthy and beautiful and good in me. He also prescribed the right drugs.
He's helped me overcome the worst of it. I was able to spend a year volunteering in East Africa two years ago. I have since divorced (#ThanksBipolar) and have managed the transition with no psychotic breaks. (#ThanksDoc).
44
Yes, it is important to note that there are competent, caring psychiatrists, and other professionals who have the ability to save lives. Unfortunately, just like every profession, there are also therapists and doctors who for a variety of reasons (ex. incompetence, greed, and laziness, etc.) do not. Make sure you have one of the former. If you are not feeling any better after 3-6 months, find another doctor.
6
Thank you for your courage and eloquence.
17
That took courage, my friend. My prayers are with you and for you as you face life with this disabiity. Go find your way.
22
Thank you for throwing some light on mental illness. I cannot wait to read your book. Wishing you and Bird all good things.
20
Thank you. Wishing you happiness.
11
I have tears as I write this. What a heartbreaking and yet hopeful narrative. the hope comes from the author sharing his utter vulnerability. I feel such empathy for him. I am certain that is true for many who read his story. The more we listen to those who suffer with with mental illness, the more we will care and understand. It is the only way to shine a light on the terrible prejudices about mental illness still prevalent in our society.
234
Zack, it takes incredible courage to come out of the shadows and capture mental illness as beautifully as you have here. I know it may feel like the rug was ripped from underneath you after you worked so hard to give to a field you were passionate about, but I commend you for your selflessness. Individuals with bipolar disorder are some of the most brilliant individuals in the world, but due to the stigma that comes from being mentally ill, there is a gross misunderstanding and lack of effective treatment when an individual does not have the financial means to manage their treatment. There are many people in your shoes or worse who struggle to find their footing after a psychotic break, yet here you are writing and sharing your story that I know will eventually help others.
I am saddened that our prisons have become mental institutions especially for people of color and I struggle to understand the disparities. In some parts of our country you travel to a NAMI meeting and they are always exclusively White participants. I have wondered why there are access and opportunity gaps for people of color because mental illness does not discriminate and is blind to color, income, education and gender, yet not everyone receives the treatment they deserve.
Finally, you are not a madman, but a man with a beautiful mind who had multiple brain attacks. The good news is you are still here and can continue to give back and fight for justice.
363
As far as I know NAMI meetings don't discriminate based on race.
The sad thing is that studies have shown that there is an even greater prejudice against mental illness in the African-American community and it carries a greater element of stigma there than in the white community.
Mental illness does not discriminate on the bases of race, ethnicity, age, or sex.
5
Mr McDermott's Mohawk
Mr McDermott tells us that he wore a Mohawk.
Wearing a Mohawk can mean "fashion gives me the edge", but also "think about what it means to be different: they exterminated people who once looked like this", in Mr McDermott's case it meant:
"This is my way of saying 'I am an individual who decides who should be cared for' ".
The truth was this was something he could not do or “manage”. Because while his human empathy was real and quantifiable and immense - his own inner self had important unknown unresolved difficulties.
We now know that about half the cause is inherited (he mentions the relevance of an uncle) but the other half is nurture. But what if there is no “nurture” that can negate the genetic inheritance? What negative social circumstances would have to exist that would alter the genome enough to cause a persistent problem for everyone for all time and not just a problem of not enough day light? Communal poverty and imisseration - having no other right but the right to have nothing - nurtures mental imbalance and disturbance. Social and political exclusion by church, family or the state also nurtures mental ill-health.
See Pt2 Below
Part 2
Their is also how a community internalizes their history. One response is to be in a perpetual state of irascible rebellion against social and personal injustice or simply “mad” as the Irish are to the English or worse accepting that there is no remedy (no matter how violent or passive) - that can help—produces life threatening despair and not just to the person who is suffering. But we have come a very long way from the self hatred and violence of the Iceman Commeth - and Miller's catholic-Irish-Jewish families were salesmen also die.
We should never just be thankful and “pass the pharmacology” instead of the ammunition. We have and have need of, Mr McDermott. Those with a profound sense of injustice and those who are deeply effected by the brutalization of others. If history has told us anything it is that suffering will not be ended by excluding or eliminating those who suffer.
3
Thank you for sharing your important story. It moved me beyond words. As the mother of a son who had several psychotic breaks and who was diagnosed with bipolar, schizo-affective disorder, I can feel Bird's pain and love and determination. But our story took a different direction: Our son was 'helped' by his medication for 15 years with a continual changing salad of drugs that never seemed to fully help him function, rather each induced its own set of additional problems -weight gain, sleeplessness, paranoia, etc and then we read 'Anatomy of an Epedemic' by Robert Whittaker and found a worldwide movement that looks at mental illness differently, that re-thinks psychiatry and works with cognitive therapy as an approach to renewing one's life. Our family found a supportive psychiatrist who helped our son, over two long years, to stop taking meds and replacing them with exercise, meditation, support groups, a healthy diet and continued family support. All is not perfect as our son still hears voices, but now he has names for them and ways of dealing with them so that he can live his life, do his work, have relationships and make every day a new beginning. One Day at a TIme. Every situation is different but for us, the movement towards Re-Thiking Psychiatry and working towards no medication has been as our son would call it a GodSend.
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Bipolar and Schizoaffective disorder are two separate disorders. The fact that your son received both diagnoses makes me wonder if he really was properly diagnosed or if he even suffered from either of these disorders.
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As a bipolar individual who has lived successfully and at a high level since my own psychotic breaks when I was in my mid-thirties, I would recommend that we take the advice to "stop taking meds" with a huge grain of salt. My meds have been my very cheap insurance policy for 30 years. I also realize that some bipolars are not as lucky as I have been, but nevertheless, they are asking for trouble by going it alone. This disease is not cured with a talking cure.
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Robert Whitaker, and also Stanislav Grof, are lifesavers. People need to hear the other side of the story before they assume they must be on medication for life. Psychiatric drugs can end up being a trap, and you will find that like the old Lay's potato chip ad said, "nobody can take just one."
Drugs are sold along with the idea that your condition is Not Your Fault; when you have just embarassed yourself this appeal is overwhelming. Unfortunately this is the beginning of a logical thread that unravels your ability to help yourself, and may ultimately take away your freedom. The path I now choose is to accept everything as myself; I would rather ask for forgiveness than a diagnosis. Look unflinchingly at so-called psychotic behavior, and you can find profound meaning that, if you can manage to integrate it, will enrich your life.
The word 'mania' places the sleepless visionary inventor or poet into the same bin as the axe murderer. Put this together with disease-mongering and early intervention, and you end up with troubling implications for civil rights.
You may argue that framing mania as a right ignores the innocent victims of manic behavior. But this presumes that locking people up, dismantling their lives, and drugging them into submission makes them less likely to lash out in the future.
There are stories in these comments of people doing horrible things when they went off lithium. There are a lot of stories like that for morphine too.
Thanks for sharing. Like Bird I'm the mom of a son with this condition. Like alcoholism I believe it's a family disease and we all need education, understanding, hope, compassion and love to cope with it. Writing and sharing your story will help others in this situation. Brave and courageous. All the best.
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You just changed my life. Thank you for sharing your troubled beautiful story with us. May you forever find the peace and love that keeps you well.
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This is an incredibly moving and poignant piece and hits "home" for my family as our younger son, now 24, was diagnosed as bipolar close to four years ago and has had several stays in "facilities", including the world-renowned McLean Hosp. in Belmont, MA. It was extremely difficult for him to accept the diagnosis upon turning 21 years of age (again, not uncommon) in Jan. 2014 and initially he did very well while complying with his medication regimen. He was able to move to NYC, lease an apt. and continue with his education. But he went off his medication, unbeknownst to us, and began a steady downward spiral in the late winter and early spring of 2015 leading to a "psychotic break" similar to the one suffered by Mr. Mcdermott. He spent 6 weeks in Bellevue Hosp. during which time he began to accept his situation and the need for medication. Upon his release in late May 2015 he was able to take part in several mental health clinics and oversight provided by NYC, he has continued to take his meds, and sees a psychiatrist twice a week. While he and we live "day to day", he has done very well as he has learned to accept his condition and take his meds and see his psychiatrist. Fortunately we can afford to pay for his mental health providers because, even with NY State Empire Blue Cross health "silver" health plan, the vast majority of able psychiatrists don't take health insurance in NYC. The reimbursements are a pittance and there are plenty of patients to pay full freight.
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Even with a "Cadillac" BCBS plan, I could not find a single psychiatrist within 20 miles who would take insurance and treat an adolescent. In BOSTON! Living paycheck to paycheck, I often had to choose which bills to pay until the BCBS reimbursement arrived. Not the entire amount I paid out of pocket, of course. And I consider myself among the fortunate to have this health care plan! Far too many people do not have the access they need to quality mental health care providers. Especially those who are under age 18. God speed to those of us who have figured out a way to help our children or ourselves; and all the more so to those who are struggling to find the care they need.
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I "hear" you Vicky. Our son lived in Mass. and he was on our health plan, BC/BS (near Cadillac level), attending Northeastern U. and we could not find a single psychiatrist who took our health insurance for treatment. But McLean did, oddly enough, and our insurance fully paid his three week stay when he was initially diagnosed after his first psychotic break. We scrambled and scrambled to find someone who would take our health plan upon his release, and he was stabilized for a few months to the point where he moved to NYC. But our nation woefully supports those who suffer from mental illness and who knows what will happen if the ACA is repealed and replaced in some despicable manner by the Republicans who simply don't give a damn about the middle class populace.
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OK, that's weird -- that no shrinks took your insurance. Do you know why? where do they get clients, if they DO NOT TAKE insurance? Is it just adolescents they reject? is it all patients with all types of insurance? Do they expect to be paid in cash, with no discounts?
I can only say that I've had psychiatric care -- 30 years ago, after a bad divorce -- and I know people today who see shrinks (*as defined, vs. a psychologist or social worker) and whose kids see a child psychiatrist. They definitely would not do this if they had to pay $200 a session out of pocket.
This is something the NYT should investigate. If you cannot find a doctor willing to take INSURANCE -- not charity care! -- in two of the most liberal, blue, Democratic, populous states with unusually high ratios of physicians of all kinds....something strange is going on.
Thank you for this beautifully written and courageous piece. It shines the light on the need for greater compassion and understanding – of mental illness and of chronic pressure cookers that are unhealthy for everyone. I look forward to reading the memoir about your experience and your mother's bountiful love.
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Difficult to read. People whose brains function in manners that cause them to behave in ways outside the relatively narrow scope of societal expectations are twice cursed; they must not only endure the internal pain and consequences resulting from the way they are wired, they -- rather than the sympathy and support the would receive as, say, cancer sufferers -- must also endure the opprobrium of strangers, friends and family who are fortunate enough to be able to cope with life's demands and who seem to find a gratifying sense of moral superiority in the notion that while they are noble and strong enough to rise above and conquer their challenges, the other-wired perversely and weakly "choose" not to.
One day, perhaps, psycho-pharmacology and neurology will advance to the point that an individual's wiring and chemistry can be exquisitely adjusted; alas for the time being the medical remedies available are akin to sledge hammers when what are required are watch makers tools.
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Writing honestly and with great insight about mental illness will set Zack McDermott free in many ways from its ravages. Bipolar is best treated by the administration of an effective dose of lithium carbonate, the gold standard for stabilising this chemical imbalance of the brain. Once the proper serum level of lithium has been reached, it should help the patient more than a lifetime of Freudian analysis on the couch. Though that component is also useful as a therapeutic tool. Many years may be required to gain stability but it will come with age, as endocrinology changes. The insights one gains from being "mentally ill", itself a concept fraught with controversy, are invaluable but only once the outward symptoms that put everyone off have been tamed. Finding a good psychiatrist, one who has a lot of experience treating this ailment, is of paramount importance to the patient's long-term recovery and prospects for coping with life.
30
Lithium is an orphan drug here in the US. In Europe my husband was able to get a form that caused non of the side effects that the lithium he got here did. However it needed better chemical binding because the amount of pills he had to take to be therapeutic was overwhelming. The psychiatrists he tried to get involved said they couldn't get any pharmaceutical company involved because they could not see how they could make money on it.
1
Finding a good psychiatrist is a very difficult matter. While my situation is much milder than Zack's it is amazing what minor changes in meds can make. Take your time, it is amazing to me how sensitive I am to my circumstances. Changes in weather conditions, atmospheric pressure, temperature, even smoke in the air from forest fires can have profound effects. Try to identify these issues for yourself. Finally, do not listen to the radio, watch TV but I hope for your sake that classical music helps improve your mood. Feel free to write me if it helps. There is little that I can suggest but to find a rural environment and someone to love.
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I'd write if it helped
1
As the daughter and sibling of abusive, mentally ill people, I have (I hope understandably) felt that those who claim mental illness is no different from diabetes or any other number of health issues just don't get it. Living with a person with diabetes is not at all like living with someone who is mentally ill. Your statement that, "Our symptoms are our behavior" convinced me you do get it.
I turned myself inside out to help my relatives, but now, in order to survive, I keep my distance. I am no Bird. I once felt guilty about that, but I no longer do.
What I am guilty of is painting with too broad a brush, of not trying hard enough to put myself in another person's shoes, of not maintaining the ability to be compassionate enough towards those who might share some of the problems of my abusers.
Your writing has moved me forward. While you accept that you have a lifelong disease that can be managed but not cured, you also make it clear that you are worthy of respect and love and have much to offer the world. I am happy for you that you have Bird, and wish for others who are in similar situations their own Birds.
Thank you so much for writing this and helping me not just to understand my shortcomings with respect to this issue, but to feel them deeply enough to attempt to change them.
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Good luck. You deserve good things. Your self awareness and strength are remarkable. Reading about that brought tears to my eyes.
10
To Elizabeth, I too applauded Bird for her support, but I noted that she was supportive at a distance. I wouldn't sell yourself short for saving yourself from being dragged down to what would have been your end. It makes you no less of a person. There is a fine line between being codependent and selfless, and one cannot be selfless all the time at risk of the self. You made the right decision.
5