Sleep is a factor for sure. But I doubt it's the real culprit. The real killer in a relationship is contempt, divisiveness and anger. If one person feels nothing but contempt for the other person it is the death of empathy and understanding which, ultimately, are the keys to resolving conflict. It took me 30 years to figure this out and rid myself of this rot. Now I sleep just fine.
8
My husband has had insomnia all of his life and stubbornly refused to seek help or solutions. Once an acupuncturist actually "reset" his body to start sleeping 8 hours - he didn't like it and went back to have the "reset" undone! I learned pretty early on that to argue with him on a day when he had had less sleep than usual was useless and refused to engage. This kept the calm, but the relationship was never good. Now he has dementia...
6
My husband worked nights for many years but never really adjusted to it. He rarely got adequate quality sleep during the day.
A few months after he had started the day shift, I suddenly realized I was now married to a much more pleasant and reasonable person.
12
Is it possible that the more irritable couples are irritable due to the volume of their burdens and/or quality of their burdens, perhaps more so than the lack of sleep? Also, a larger volume of burdens can cause more stress, contributing to less sleep, as well as the time it takes to deal with their larger volume of burdens (or quality of those) can decrease physical time devoted to sleep. If those variables were controlled for, it wasn't mentioned in the article.
5
And what groups are more likely to be sleep deprived? Low-income people and other marginalized groups. They often have longer commutes, multiple part-time jobs, lack of adequate childcare resources, etc. The headline "Try Getting More Sleep" presents this is an individual choice that people can just make, rather than a societal issue.
21
Sleep might be a factor but in my experience how a person argues is much more important. My ex argued (and still argues - just not so much with me any more) to win. Discussions are disagreements which are arguments which are fights which are wars which are all-out, scorched earth, take-no-prisoners, wars of destruction/extinction.
Fatigue made things happen faster. Fatigue could make what would not necessarily be a casus belli into one. But that slope, regardless of how steep initially - always led to the same place.
Some causes:
Suggesting we sit to discuss how to use $$ sent us as a gift from my family ("It's our money, why should you decide").
Playing happily with our child when she returned (jealous, nothing).
After we decided where we would buy a house, her mother disagreed in a phone call. Call ended, screaming started.
Etc.
Sleep?
Nah ... it's problem solving style. When the "solution" is death to the other side ... things do not work out well.
Fatigue made things happen faster. Fatigue could make what would not necessarily be a casus belli into one. But that slope, regardless of how steep initially - always led to the same place.
Some causes:
Suggesting we sit to discuss how to use $$ sent us as a gift from my family ("It's our money, why should you decide").
Playing happily with our child when she returned (jealous, nothing).
After we decided where we would buy a house, her mother disagreed in a phone call. Call ended, screaming started.
Etc.
Sleep?
Nah ... it's problem solving style. When the "solution" is death to the other side ... things do not work out well.
12
This article's premise that poor sleep adversely affects relationships seems backward to me because my experience is that relationships adversely affect sleep. Both my ex-husband and my previous boyfriend made it impossible for me to sleep due to snoring, all night tv, and late night habits. I am now very happily, devoutly, single and sleeping 8-9 hours a night.
19
Thanks to this article, I found something great to introduce to my students. In an English textbook of Japanese senior high school, there is a topic about "sleep".
Just after summer vacation, there are some (or many) students who are reluctant to participate English classes. Some still stay up till late watching the Internet sites or chatting online. In this case, the class tends to get into a mess.
This article suggests not only couples but also all people including young people who cannot control their time management.
Thank you.
Just after summer vacation, there are some (or many) students who are reluctant to participate English classes. Some still stay up till late watching the Internet sites or chatting online. In this case, the class tends to get into a mess.
This article suggests not only couples but also all people including young people who cannot control their time management.
Thank you.
10
Lifelong struggle to put enough hours of sleep together.
Here are some musts:
white noise machine of some kind,
No phone calls after 8:15 at night,
sleep in own bed,
Listen to soothing audiobooks (nothing unfamiliar) or classical music for those periods of wakefulness in middle of night to distract rampant thoughts
Excellent pillows, ditto mattress
No distressing TV or movies in the evening
Here are some musts:
white noise machine of some kind,
No phone calls after 8:15 at night,
sleep in own bed,
Listen to soothing audiobooks (nothing unfamiliar) or classical music for those periods of wakefulness in middle of night to distract rampant thoughts
Excellent pillows, ditto mattress
No distressing TV or movies in the evening
15
Ugh, I'm not sure I can think of anything worse for sleep than background noise all night. Maybe floodlights.
9
LOVE background noise especially white noise, fans. Really helps me sleep. And yes great pillows and mattress very important.
13
Not sure why this needed a study. Tired people are grumpier. Hungry people are grumpier. People with financial or other worries are grumpier. Is this rocket science?
33
people in pain are grumpier too -
14
You sound grumpy :)
6
Can a similar analogy be drawn for poor relationships due to lack of eating/starvation ie. when people are on a diet? I often find that people who deprive themselves of food ( voluntarily I mean; not talking of people who cant afford to eat due to being poor) are crabby, irritable and easily get angry.
Perhaps a study could be done on this!
Perhaps a study could be done on this!
8
We just celebrated our 19th anniversary, a happy one. I have an excellent husband who is a doting father, providing he had 2 sleep aids at bedtime.
8
The difference between a bad dream and a good dream is interpretation.
3
There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.
Wm Shakespeare
5
Excellent article! The analysis applies to the workplace as well. Colleagues get snippy when they're sleep deprived, and the snippiness escalates unless one is rested.
6
The article mentions some couples sleep better when they occupy separate beds. That doesn't help if the husband snores. And please do not suggest ear plugs or any of the other silly remedies people throw at you. The only way to deal with it was separate bedrooms. I spent the first 25+ years of our lives together with a constant sleep deficit. When the kids left I moved into one of their rooms. Now I can sleep with an open window for fresh air, which also helps me sleep more soundly.
And... to respond to your next comment.... he does not have sleep apnea. The doctor said so.
And... to respond to your next comment.... he does not have sleep apnea. The doctor said so.
17
Thank you! Separate bedrooms is the civilized approach. I too, after 23 sleep deprived years, moved into my own room. You can always bunk together for special occasions:-)
7
Queen Elizabeth and her consort Prince Phillip discovered that early on when they decided on separate bedrooms. How many marriages could have been saved by that simple move is unknown.
18
Ask the doctors again. Snoring that bad is almost definitely apnea - took 2 studies before mine was caught, despite the obvious struggling for breath sounds.
6
I was just reading another article in the NYT about the most recent midnight tweet from our unhinged president and I said to myself, "He needs to get more sleep."
Then right in the same issue was this article about how we need to get more sleep! Our "relationship" with this president would probably improve a lot if he did more sleeping and less tweeting.
Then right in the same issue was this article about how we need to get more sleep! Our "relationship" with this president would probably improve a lot if he did more sleeping and less tweeting.
28
Your comment made me wonder if Trump's tweeting might be a new variant of sleepwalking to add to sleep eating, sleep driving and sleep sex (yes, sleep sex). Sleepwalking and its variants entail carrying out complex, goal directed behaviors while asleep and, amazingly, with accuracy and without injury. Trump often tweets in the wee hours -- while asleep?
4
When my husband and I find ourselves getting unreasonably "snappy" with each other, we will often take a pause and then list all the things going on: didn't sleep enough, routines being disrupted for various reasons, etc. And then we'll often agree to postpone discussion of whatever issue caused the problem until a time when we are better rested.
As long as we make sure to pick things back up when we're in a better frame of mind to deal with them (vs. using this to avoid difficult issues), we find we can discuss things more calmly and find solutions that work for us both.
As long as we make sure to pick things back up when we're in a better frame of mind to deal with them (vs. using this to avoid difficult issues), we find we can discuss things more calmly and find solutions that work for us both.
25
When I was a younger lad, I had a brief relationship with a beautiful, smart, demanding lady. The reason the relationship was brief was that she would poke me at about 3 AM and demand sex. I did what I could, but at that time I was also having a relationship with the Postal Service, whereby I had to show up at the Post Office at 5:30 AM. After a few weeks of such, my life began to go downhill that all the coffee in the world couldn't cure. And so we broke up and I finally began to sleep through the night. Sex is good, but sleep is essential.
43
What about lak of melatonin in individuals with sleep problems? In addition, CVD/CAD, T2DM, and Cancer can occur exclusiveli in individuals involved by related Constitution-Dependent, Inherited Real Risks.
1
So why is city after city installing LED streetlights full of the blue part of the spectrum that suppresses natural melatonin production...the mechanism that induces sleep and slows the growth of a number of cancers including breast and prostate? Many cities thumb their noses at those who complain and continue their installations. The LED manufacturers are laughing all the way to the bank with this planned obsolescence.
33
It wouldn't be hard to fix them. I painted some terrible LED bulbs with regular white wall paint and the light is much less jarring, allowing me to get to sleep easier.
3
They can make leds in any color or Kelvin temperature. The people installing these should know this.
5
how about the smell of burnt paint?
Let this be a lesson: perhaps the most destructive thing you can do to your relationship is not honor your partner's need for sleep. I have been in a few relationships where my partner was somehow jealous of my sleeping and did various things to try to keep me awake, including arguing. The fact that I had to get up early the next morning or had just had a long exhausting day did not move her. Of course the times when I tried that because I felt abandoned by her sleeping were not met with equanimity.
None of us have enough time in our lives, and we're all tempted to steal some time from our partners. It doesn't help if there's a baby, of course. It helps even less if there's responsibilities one of the two parties is shirking, or communication difficulties one of them refuses to resolve. And what helps least of all is if one partner is going through something they feel they can't share with the other, which is a surefire way of making bedtime feel especially lonely, because they're going to sense something's up.
And then there's the physical problems: snoring, restlessness, a bed that's too small, one partner demands total darkness while the other needs some sort of light, they want different settings on the air conditioner or heater. Do not feel that it is any sort of defeat if you end up sleeping in different rooms; that's a sign of maturity and compassion. But it's not fair if that means one of you is always on the couch. Make sure you both get the sleep you need.
None of us have enough time in our lives, and we're all tempted to steal some time from our partners. It doesn't help if there's a baby, of course. It helps even less if there's responsibilities one of the two parties is shirking, or communication difficulties one of them refuses to resolve. And what helps least of all is if one partner is going through something they feel they can't share with the other, which is a surefire way of making bedtime feel especially lonely, because they're going to sense something's up.
And then there's the physical problems: snoring, restlessness, a bed that's too small, one partner demands total darkness while the other needs some sort of light, they want different settings on the air conditioner or heater. Do not feel that it is any sort of defeat if you end up sleeping in different rooms; that's a sign of maturity and compassion. But it's not fair if that means one of you is always on the couch. Make sure you both get the sleep you need.
28
Lack of sleep and maybe lack of sex too! The bed isn't just good for sleeping and sleep isn't just good for relationships. Just sayin'
I wrote about sleep and health in a whole chapter of my book Body Kindness, which also covers relationships, mood, food, exercise, fun, and loneliness (TARA, write on that... it's worse for you than cupcakes!)
I wrote about sleep and health in a whole chapter of my book Body Kindness, which also covers relationships, mood, food, exercise, fun, and loneliness (TARA, write on that... it's worse for you than cupcakes!)
3
This is yet another reason why having babies is difficult on couples. Infants don't sleep well at night, so neither do parents.
14
Were overworked slaves bickerers? Putting aside contentious subjects for an agreed about length of time also helps.
1
Throw in complex in laws dynamics and you have even the best couples gasping for breath.
2
These kinds of articles always put words in my mouth that I didn't say, but you say I did, and then you have to storm out and go buy a magazine or do the crossword or something. Good, I can take a nap now.
2
Switching from wireless to wired internet makes a huge difference. Wireless routers put out pulsed radiation that wakes me up. It helps to turn off the router at night. And keep electronics out of the bedroom.
4
Oh wow did not know about this.
1
I have suffered with insomnia since my 20s. I'm 56 now. I can't remember the last time I slept 7 hours. I'm lucky to get 4 consecutive hours with 10 mg of Ambien. I have lived in a state of chronic tired for my adult life. I have two kids (one in college, on in HS), a wonderful husband, two dogs, and tremendous stress in my life that therapy isn't going to help. My work is very stressful and that isn't going to change. I've tried meditation, biofeedback, melatonin, all kinds of voodoo. If I get 3 straight hours and total five staggered over the night, I'm ok. My husband understands. (His snoring is part of the problem.) I'm tired and cranky. My husband still loves me. We work hard to make our relationship work. We'll sleep when we're dead.
10
Your husband should be evaluated for sleep apnea and treatment to stop his snoring.
5
Earplugs? Separate sleeping quarters? Is sleep apnea involved?
6
I use foam earplugs and over them use I add Sleephones a headband-like device with speakers and on that I play a Snore Eraser soundtrack to drown out the snoring. On he worst nights I add a bath towel. It works pretty well. I hope this helps someone. I love my husband, my sleep and my bed.
3
This is an excellent article, but I do wish the author had drawn a distinction between not getting enough hours in bed and not being able to sleep once there. I believe the former isn't as destructive because it still can lead to a few hours of refreshing deep sleep and the later, insomnia, is light sleep coupled with rumination over worries, guilt and insecurities, all of which feed destructively into the interaction with the significant other the next morning. Some of us lose our way during the initial stages of going to sleep, sleep onset, and become lost in the psychic badlands where thoughts and feelings are so impaired that they have lost contact with reality. http://InPursuitOfSleep.com
10
To avoid reviewing your worries and fears, put NPR on gently in your ear; it must be interesting, to replace your self-destrucive thoughts with someone else's - I just drift off to sleep Thank Goodness, and wake now and then and pick up a sentence or two of another story and then I'm off again. Not too loud of course, sometimes I use ear buds but they hurt a bit.... and no horrible stories of atrocities, just wonderful stories from away. Works well for countless people my age, - 76 and soon..... at dinner parties we sometimes find ourselves relating these stories....that is how I heard about the Indian child adopted into an OZ family, who at 20 found his childhood home on google-world, - I told many people about that after that night, and it was years before the movie was made - just saying, listen to Radio Eireann - (Ireland) who have wonderful stories like that. And you will sleep so well, throuighout it all! I know, I know, it's counterintuitive but you must banish your own thoughts.
12
Sleepdoc here and have been one since 1978. There are numerous primary sleep disorders and medical/psychiatric disorders which impact the amount and/or quality of sleep. Snoring, with or without sleep apnea, are primary sleep disorders which are more common in men and therefore more commonly disturb the sleep of women. Restless Legs Syndrome with attendant Periodic Limb Movements in Sleep can disturb the sleep of one or both bedpartners. Sleep-wake schedule disorders such as Shiftwork sleep disorder, inadequate sleep hygiene and Delayed Sleep Phase syndrome are often double whammys, producing both disrupted and insufficent sleep. Of the 'secondary' sleep disorders, insomnia due to acute or chronic anxiety and/or depression is a product of heightened, 24/7 physiologic arousal that is a core component of both as well as a source of irritability. Caffeine breakdown rates decrease with age so even morning use can affect sleep that night. Insomnia can be precipitated or exacerbated by SSRIs (the Prozac family) and SNRIs (the Effexor family). The good news is that virtually all sleep disorders are diagnosable via a good sleep history and only suspected sleep apnea and narcolepsy require formal sleep studies. Almost all of them are curable, treatable and/or manageable, which is why I find my specialty so gratifying. Primary care doctors have become more knowledgeable about sleep disorders and there are now 1000s of sleep specialists who can help.
34
Doctor - Nothing here mentions hormones. Natural fluctuations play a huge part in sleep conditions for women, especially during perimenopause. No medical doctor, herbalist or acupuncturist, etc etc seems to have a remedy than go on birth control pills or take sleeping pills or sedating herbs - none of which work for me. Yes, I've had a formal sleep study. Not everyone has apnea or someone else's apnea! Sure, we need to make ourselves as comfortable as we can during this stage of life with good sleep hygiene. But we also need medical professionals to take this seriously instead of just saying "get through it." A few nights you can get through. A few years???
5
Sorry to hear you are having problems which I presume are persistent hot flashes interrupting sleep. While they don't work for everyone, the 'Prozac' family of SSRIs (citalopram/escitalopram have the fewest side effects) and the 'Elavil' family of tricyclics (amitriptyline, imipramine), often suppress hot flashes fairly well, the latter in very low doses e.g 10 mg. They appear to act in the brain like estrogen, the hormone that essentially disappears and produces menopause. This is why birth control pills containing estrogen also suppress hot flashes.
As to "good sleep hygiene" most sleep specialists tend to emphasize sleeping in the dark with no TV or lights on, avoiding caffeine, not exercising too close to bedtime, keeping the room temperature on the cool side and getting up and doing something quiet until you get sleepy if you can't fall or fall back asleep. They mention maintaining a regular sleep schedule without being all that specific about it. In my experience, the times you get into bed and get out of it for the day (NOT the times you fall asleep and wake up) are the most crucial elements of good sleep hygiene. Do the following: go to bed (in the dark etc) and get out of it at the same times all 7 days of the week; to start with spend only 6.5 hours in bed, getting up at the same time every am regardless of how well you slept; do not look at the clock EVER, use it as an alarm. Give this at least 2 solid weeks to work. My patients are amazed at how well it does.
As to "good sleep hygiene" most sleep specialists tend to emphasize sleeping in the dark with no TV or lights on, avoiding caffeine, not exercising too close to bedtime, keeping the room temperature on the cool side and getting up and doing something quiet until you get sleepy if you can't fall or fall back asleep. They mention maintaining a regular sleep schedule without being all that specific about it. In my experience, the times you get into bed and get out of it for the day (NOT the times you fall asleep and wake up) are the most crucial elements of good sleep hygiene. Do the following: go to bed (in the dark etc) and get out of it at the same times all 7 days of the week; to start with spend only 6.5 hours in bed, getting up at the same time every am regardless of how well you slept; do not look at the clock EVER, use it as an alarm. Give this at least 2 solid weeks to work. My patients are amazed at how well it does.
3
You don't mention alcohol ?
I think you've gotten it backwards: constant arguing causes lack of sleep, not the other way around.
BTW, instructing people to get 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night is like telling them to be taller: it's not a decision they make!
www.newyorkgritty.net
BTW, instructing people to get 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night is like telling them to be taller: it's not a decision they make!
www.newyorkgritty.net
7
My husband can go to sleep fine after any sort of conflict between us, or even a non-conflict item like mentioning taxes in the middle of the night (yes! it has happened). We've agreed (though I'm the enforcer) on no serious discussion after 9PM!
7
This is A REALLY important article that is a must read - not just for married couples, but for everyone. Sleep deprivation has a negative impact on judgement, mood, concentration, problem solving, physical well-bring, and eating habits that can lead to weight gain. It makes almost every negative in our lives worse. It is self-perpetuating because the added stress it creates makes it more difficult to fall asleep. It is epidemic because circadian body rhythms are less synched to our choices for using electricity for recreation and work than to the sun. (If we were totally reliant on candles, I suspect most of us would get bored and go to sleep earlier.) As a pediatrician, I saw many parents who appeared to need help from a psychologist whose symptoms improved markedly once I convinced them to nap whenever it was practical.
12
Most working people are "sleep deprived" of some sort. We just do not live in a world where you can sleep as long as you'd like. All that advice from sleep experts: go to bed at the same time every night, sleep until you feel like getting up....who in the real world can do this? What about dreams? How many of us wake up exhausted due to dreams we might have?
This is all very nice, but as long as we live in world where everything—from the moment you wake up until the moment you go back to bed—is determined by competition then none of this will change.
This is all very nice, but as long as we live in world where everything—from the moment you wake up until the moment you go back to bed—is determined by competition then none of this will change.
7
I attempted to tell an ex our woes were in part down to lack of sleep. This was construed as being dismissive of her feelings and saying her feelings were not rationale. Once you enter the Negative Confirmation Bias stage, it's very hard to get back to a good place, sleep or no sleep.
5
Negative confirmation is an oxymoron.
1
I'm a night-owl who works 9-5 jobs, and I lost the last one after I snapped at a nasty nurse. I've known for a long time that I have a harder time controlling my emotions when I'm overtired.
10
This is hardly surprising. Lack of sleep makes *everything* worse!
30
I read somewhere that there should be a rule that you can't get divorced until the kids are at least 3 years old, partly, I think, due to the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation with young children. my husband quit our marriage when our daughter was 2.5... Think of how many couples call out quits before the kids are 3. I bet lack of sleep had a lot to do with it. Part-time parents get a lot more time to themselves to recharge (and nught off to sleep!)
21
Shakespeare said it all - "Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care, the death of each day's life, sore labour's bath, balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast." Macbeth, Act II, Scene II
45
O sleep it is a gentle thing, Beloved from pole to pole....
4
I crave sleep and envy its elusiveness. In many of our busy lives, 8 hours of sleep is rare---I know it is for me, at least. The effects of not getting enough sleep are easy to see on the surface; often times my brain is not as sharp, I yawn (excessively), and/or I act hostile to some degree (given the appropriate circumstances). Something I have not given much thought is how my tired actions affect my health. I realize now that a lack of sleep can serve as a catalyst to more harmful issues---health issues.
This article sparked internal questions as well as broader, similar questions I share with other commenters. I question how accurate and credible these test results are because the participants were practically "set-up" to argue. In other words, the argument did not happen organically. They knew that they were being recorded, to my understanding. I believe that this affected the data, but I still believe that the article makes a valid point about the negative effects of sleep deprived arguments. I'm also curious to know why these couples were not getting enough sleep. I feel like these reasons can play a role in the reactions in arguments.
I like the way this article grows from the relationship between how much sleep someone gets and the tone while arguing, to how these arguments can actually be harmful. Harmful not only to the relationship but the partners' health. The Ohio State study especially intrigued me because it investigated something I have never considered.
This article sparked internal questions as well as broader, similar questions I share with other commenters. I question how accurate and credible these test results are because the participants were practically "set-up" to argue. In other words, the argument did not happen organically. They knew that they were being recorded, to my understanding. I believe that this affected the data, but I still believe that the article makes a valid point about the negative effects of sleep deprived arguments. I'm also curious to know why these couples were not getting enough sleep. I feel like these reasons can play a role in the reactions in arguments.
I like the way this article grows from the relationship between how much sleep someone gets and the tone while arguing, to how these arguments can actually be harmful. Harmful not only to the relationship but the partners' health. The Ohio State study especially intrigued me because it investigated something I have never considered.
3
Am I the only one who doesn't want to read people's comments about their own sleep or lack of it? Sleep can be an interesting topic if it isn't reduced to me, me, me.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
6
Since I am a marital counselor, I can attest to this. When I take history, I always ask about both sleep and alcohol and drug use. Couples absolutely quarrel more if they are sleep deprived, for whatever reason - baby in the house, work load, stress. And, when people over-drink, that's often when the most injurious things are said. Inhiibitions are lowered and people say things in an exaggerated, unkind way. It's best to say to your mate, "This is not a good time to discuss this. Can we take this up again tomorrow, when I'm more rested?" Always let them know that you're willing to discuss the issue, just not when you're tired and cranky. PS - drinking alcohol at night actually messes with REM sleep, so while you may go to sleep faster, your sleep quality is negatively affected. I wish more couples were aware of these things, as a lot of arguments wouldn't happen!
22
Seems odd that anyone would not know that lack of adequate sleep makes you cranky and subpar. Not sure if you are getting enough sleep? Try an extra hour or two. You'll figure it out soon enough.
9
Everything is better if you have enough sleep. We don't need a study done to tell us what everybody and every body around the world knows.
12
This article describes my last night. I just could not even get to sleep, plus I had an interruption from my nightly "caregiver" which certainly didn't help.
3
Would like to see a followup study based on profession of the married couples. Some jobs in toxic America are notorious for destroying sleep and marriages.
12
Love that illustration!
2
For those encountering challenges in getting sleep, there is a psychological intervention that is supported by research findings. It is even available free as the CBT-i Coach app thanks to Dept of Defense and VA. Some may need to learn it with a mental health professional though. The app is free to all, including but not limited to those who have served our country.
5
Lack of sleep is indicative of other issues, such as overwork, high stress, or even just too much caffeine. Based on viewing my relative's marriages, stress increases when couples don't manage their money properly and save for a rainy day, or even just save for the sake of saving.
When the 'unexpected' happens such as when the car, air conditioner, heating system, etc. breaks down and funds are low, stress significantly increases and sleep becomes a commodity in short supply. If more people learned to save money when times are good, there would be less stress, more sound sleep, and more folks with smiles on their faces at work and at home.
When the 'unexpected' happens such as when the car, air conditioner, heating system, etc. breaks down and funds are low, stress significantly increases and sleep becomes a commodity in short supply. If more people learned to save money when times are good, there would be less stress, more sound sleep, and more folks with smiles on their faces at work and at home.
5
I have PTSD so I'm chronically sleep deprived because of either nightmares or waking up with panic attacks. I always move down to the couch if I can't sleep at night. It used to hurt my fiance's feelings, but I told him that it's much better for our relationship if only one of us is sleep deprived. So far that seems to be working out for us, and I'm glad to read an article that supports that stance.
What I would give to be able to sleep at night...
What I would give to be able to sleep at night...
19
Jenny,. I am so sorry to hear about your PTSD. I am married to a Vietnam vet who hasn't slept well in decades. Recently the VA prescribed Gabapentin as an off-label sleep aid. For him, and me, it has been a miracle. I admire your approach; don't give up searching for treatments that will work for you.
4
I might add that it's probably best if the spouses sleep at the same time. My first husband stayed up late, slept late, and took regular 2+ hour naps during the day on weekends and vacations. I was the opposite and it drove me crazy because I'd always be ready to do something and he would be sleeping. It was worse with kids because it meant that I was often alone doing activities with them which wasn't great for "family togetherness." Now I'm married to a man who is exactly like me in terms of sleep patterns. We go to bed early, get up early, rarely take naps, and have lots of time to enjoy spending time together on work and play.
61
So true. Sometimes I feel that my wife and I could save some room in house and get a single bed. She often goes to sleep just when I'm getting up.
3
No mention of why some couples got less sleep than others. Were they under financial stress? Had they so little impulse control that they couldn't turn off the TV and get to bed on time? Maybe the doubtless deleterious effects of sleep deprivation were only part of their problem.
Editor’s note: This comment has been anonymized in accordance with applicable law(s).
5
SLEEP
8 hours is ESSENTIAL
7 hours is MINIMUM
6 hours is CRITICAL
Anything less than 6 hours of sleep is DANGEROUS !
8 hours is ESSENTIAL
7 hours is MINIMUM
6 hours is CRITICAL
Anything less than 6 hours of sleep is DANGEROUS !
68
Tell that to my insomnia!
12
I'm 74 years old. I exercise daily but still need 10 hours of sleep each night.
6
Ive averaged between 5-6 hours of sleep during the work/school week since my teen years ( I am in the late 40s now ).. I guess this is why I have been perpetually single for most of my life, then hunh??
I'm wondering if there is a correlation between lack of sleep and the number of children within the relationship? Perhaps strained relations increase exponentially when there is first- a lack of sleep and second- a child or children are present. It's one thing to not sleep and quarrel with your partner directly, but it's another thing to be sleep deprived and now have a family to manage, causing more strain and frustration. Would love to see a follow up study using this data and including the family makeup and comparing sleep deprived couples with kids and those without kids.
24
I am divorcing a man who doesn't believe sleep is that important. There are other reasons, but during our marriage, one significant repeated event was when our daughter was a baby - he would wake me up 1-2 hours after I had gone to sleep to have sex. I would be so angry at being awakened that I could not return to sleep for a few hours. I was chronically sleep deprived. My husband refused to stop doing this, saying he wanted us to be close. For the sake of the marriage, I gave in but it had a huge impact. That was several years ago. As a result, I was grumpy with my young children during this period and for that I can't forgive myself.
102
Please forgive yourself. You were in a "damned if I do and damned if I don't " position.
Glad you are moving on. He sounds incredibly selfish.
Glad you are moving on. He sounds incredibly selfish.
79
That's abusive,, even if you were a stay at home mom.
21
That is not being close. That is being a controlling and self centered. You find time for closeness at periods where the other person is not wiped out from caring for a newborn.
14
It's 1 am -- I better get to bed now. No Comment.
8
So much for the old saw never go to sleep mad. Go to sleep. Pick up the fight in the morning, assuming you remember what it was about.
31
Great point!
1
My spouse is a night owl and I'm an early to bed, early to riser. We argue and the effects of sleep deprivation impact us differently - I get crabby and he gets sullen. It's not a pretty picture. The upside is we don't argue near the knives....
20
Also watch out for the hungover partner or the grieving partner.
8
I could not agree with this finding more and see it reflected in my marriage. My husband is definitely more annoying when he doesn't get enough sleep. Oh wait, maybe that's me!
46
So many articles telling us to get more sleep. These articles are adding to my insomnia! Who doesn't want to get more, good, restful sleep?! Right now, on top of my usual insomnia, I have muscle and joint aches and a sinus infection. Do you think it is my choice to get a lousy sleep night after night? Please stop telling readers to "try getting more sleep" as if that's 100% within our control.
53
It is not always in our control, especially those of us who have other difficulties going to sleep.
But, this article is reminding many, especially those who are over-working themselves, by deliberately staying awake. Few even have wrong notions, that, they could get away with very little sleep, for very long.
Less than 6 hours sleep per day, for several days could prove very dangerous too.
But, this article is reminding many, especially those who are over-working themselves, by deliberately staying awake. Few even have wrong notions, that, they could get away with very little sleep, for very long.
Less than 6 hours sleep per day, for several days could prove very dangerous too.
11
Sinus alone would ruin it. I generally sleep well, but there are times I can't because of physical discomforts and have to wait it out. Some people seem to function well without much sleep, although I don't know how.
1
When I have a bad night I try to keep the next day as simple AS POSSIBLE....how simple that is varies a lot. No unnecessary decisions for one thing--can do that no matter how busy the next day has to be.
Which came first, the bickerin' or the regular sleepless nights?
14
Relationship issues? Hmmnn....Donald Trump brags about getting 5 hours of sleep a night. Perhaps Trump's inability to get along with Congress, members of his own party, and anyone actually who is not a member of his family stems from the fact that he is operating on too little sleep. I believe Trump's constant need for attention and his inability to manage conflict is a reflection of his low self-esteem and inferior intellect, but this study suggests his poor sleep habits may play a role as well.
104
I used to invariably get into a nasty argument with anyone before 1030am every day.
Then I heard a French chef on the radio saying people are idiots if they rush out the door in the morning saying they don't have time for breakfast. Get up 30min earlier, enjoy a relaxed breakfast, then you're ready for the day. I started eating rolled oats (1 oz in tiny bowl, just cover with boiling water, wait 5-10 mins, a dollop of yoghurt and a splash of milk) - and my friends said 'what's changed ? You're different - you're so much nicer now.'
I guess that was hypoglycaemia.
Then I heard a French chef on the radio saying people are idiots if they rush out the door in the morning saying they don't have time for breakfast. Get up 30min earlier, enjoy a relaxed breakfast, then you're ready for the day. I started eating rolled oats (1 oz in tiny bowl, just cover with boiling water, wait 5-10 mins, a dollop of yoghurt and a splash of milk) - and my friends said 'what's changed ? You're different - you're so much nicer now.'
I guess that was hypoglycaemia.
71
I know some marriages where all the sleep in the world wil not help.
However, that being said, I do agree I am a much better person after 8 hours of sleep or a nap. And it may be why, when I asked my mom for marriage advice some 25 years ago, she said "sleep on it" before fighting or making a big decision. Sage advice, and I am still happily married some 25 years strong.
However, that being said, I do agree I am a much better person after 8 hours of sleep or a nap. And it may be why, when I asked my mom for marriage advice some 25 years ago, she said "sleep on it" before fighting or making a big decision. Sage advice, and I am still happily married some 25 years strong.
44
There is no doubt sleep, or the lack thereof, could affect not only your emotional but also well being. For example, one good way to lose weight is to have good night sleep. At least for me anyway. However, you have to wonder if the lack of sleep is the cause or the effect, or both in a spiral kind of way. A lot of times people lack sleep because of circumstances. Work too much, other worries like financial concerns etc. Sleep is just one of the effects.
Ironically, excessive sleep is also a problem. Depressed people sleep a lot. Phil Hartman, who was killed by his wife in his sleep, had the tendency to shut out the world by going to sleep. So it can be a defense mechanism just the same.
So sleep cannot be considered independent from a myriad of situations and scenarios.
Ironically, excessive sleep is also a problem. Depressed people sleep a lot. Phil Hartman, who was killed by his wife in his sleep, had the tendency to shut out the world by going to sleep. So it can be a defense mechanism just the same.
So sleep cannot be considered independent from a myriad of situations and scenarios.
21
I live with a man, a night-owl, who never gets enough sleep. Interestingly, he's very nice and congenial whereas I get crabby when i'm short on sleep. Unfortunately, his health shows the wear-and-tear of being chronically sleep deprived. I've observed the the effects of sleep-deprivation on other people and think it's pretty universal.
29