That was where - Bates - my mother dropped me off in 1979 - acorn idea - brilliant, wish I had done the same.
4
Dropped three of them at college with varying scenes. First one was happy to join a H.S. friend/roommate. Drove home crying.
Dropped second one 500 miles from home. She was scared, I was anxious, we fought, then hugged. Drove home crying.
Dropped last one an hour from home. She seemed nervous but excited. Drove home crying.
All are doing well. I didn't cry long and am enjoying the empty nest.
Dropped second one 500 miles from home. She was scared, I was anxious, we fought, then hugged. Drove home crying.
Dropped last one an hour from home. She seemed nervous but excited. Drove home crying.
All are doing well. I didn't cry long and am enjoying the empty nest.
10
This was my story last year, Long Island, NY to Columbus, OH, sans gummy bears....and the fact that my ex, not a real rock star, just one in his own mind. The rest of the story, nearly identical, your father = my adult daughter. Being the primary caregiver (aka parent) has some unique characteristics that become apparent when the children reach this age.
Terrific piece.
Terrific piece.
7
Laurie, thanks for sharing, that about sums it up. We just dropped our freshman daughter off in Charlottesville (48 hour event) and I kept thinking how different this was than when I was dropped off in 1979 (1 hour event, max). Here's the conversation I remember "do you need any help with your bags? No, I'm fine, I'll call you next week. Thanks for the ride!"
5
This piece is precious. My son is now a sophomore, and unlike the frankly awkward drama of last year's requisite family trek to a far away campus, this year he woke himself up early in his own bed, and loaded his car to catch an early ferry. For the first time I had no real job, so when I came down stairs I made him a breakfast sandwich he didn't ask for. I also surprised him with an espresso maker that I bought the day before, he seemed thrilled, but I was desperate for some kind of send off ritual. His Mom came down in time for us to have a Subaru moment as he got into his Outback. I asked him to pose for a photo just like every year starting in Kindergarten. Compared to the in-person drop off of Freshman year I highly recommend this home send off. It's still not easy, but you get to go back to bed.
15
Welcome to Colorado Johnny! And, Laurie you needn't worry as he'll be surrounded by good and decent neighbors. Best of Luck!
6
What a sad night you spent! A divorce is a big ordeal. In such a crisis your father made an important role. You must make a fresh start with his spiritual support.
4
You never gave thanks for the gummy bears....surely, it may be said they got you through this.
4
I was angry dropping my oldest off at college... it was the only way I could deal with it. But she has has thrived and I have I survived. Now my middle daughter is starting her senior year and I am sentimental but trying to enjoy every part of her until she leaves next year. This is almost harder than then first...Thanks for a wonderful essay about how hard it is to let them go...
4
Thank you.
4
Sweet.
3
"Mind numbing drive across Nebraska". ?
My oh My, have you got a lot to learn.
Please drive through Nebraska on your
next 'to and back' trip
when you next visit your son.
My oh My, have you got a lot to learn.
Please drive through Nebraska on your
next 'to and back' trip
when you next visit your son.
6
Sorry, but I have driven through Nebraska. That's an awful lot of corn.
1
I sure would like to be the parent of a room or floor mate and read how you described your child's new home as a "dumpy cinder-block 1970's dorm room." I guess I thought a story about a kid going cross country to start college would be about him, but I was wrong...it was just about you.
1
The story is about them--mom, dad, and son. The mom tells the story from her point of view, which is lovely and funny. Maybe one day Johnny will tell his side of the story, but for now he has other things to do. I bet he's grateful that his mom stuck to writing about what she experiences and not meddling in his space.
11
A whole lot of dorm rooms are dumpy cinder-block 1970's vintage. And, in fairness, it's her story. He can write his.
12
Your son crying into your neck as he did when a baby made me cry as well.
Thank you so very much for this writing from the heart.
Thank you so very much for this writing from the heart.
3
Mistake to think that driving across South Dakota is going to be less mind-numbing than driving across Nebraska. Otherwise, congrats. It was good and thanks for sharing.
3
Wow. As a SD resident, I am stunned that these folks drove either through or around the Black Hills twice without stopping. Amazing. What a wasted opportunity.
5
Rock star husband? Huh? Who is Westerberg? Sounds like a tv repairman. Never heard of him.
2
It's not a story about Paul Westerberg. It's about divorced parents dropping their son off at college.
You can pretend the dad is Jon Bon Jovi if that makes you feel better.
You can pretend the dad is Jon Bon Jovi if that makes you feel better.
13
He was in the Replacements, one of the great alternative bands of the 80's. Sorry you missed them.
If you've seen the movie Singles, two of Paul Westerberg's songs were on the soundtrack.
He also has a great head of hair. Definitely not a plumber.
If you've seen the movie Singles, two of Paul Westerberg's songs were on the soundtrack.
He also has a great head of hair. Definitely not a plumber.
6
Parents today are to involved with every aspect of their children's lives. In my day when you went off to school you had one bag, a plane ticket, and that was it. If you can't stand your ex-husband, why are you doing a 16 hour drive with him. It will only torture your child.
6
People need to get a grip. Almost 50 years ago my father dropped me off on the sidewalk in front of my college and said, "let me know how it works out". It worked out OK, Dad.
20
Thanks for that off-to-college vignette from the distant past. It reminded me of my father dropping me off at the bus station once and then expecting me to make my own way after that. Returning to college in the fall was always my own version of On the Road.
5
I just did the exact same thing. Ten hour car trip with my ex-wife to drop our eldest daughter off at her first year of college, with little sister in tow. There have been lots of low moments with my ex over the last 4 years of our separation and divorce. The way things have gone I would have expected little coordination or interaction between us, just happening to be in the same place at the same time, shunning each other, at this life landmark event. But it actually went pretty well. We drove in tandem (took two cars) and stopped to take breaks and eat together, stayed at the same hotel, and even shared a room some of the nights (me on the pull out). We worked together to set up our daughter's room, get her situated, ease her in, etc. Stayed up and talked at nights (haven't done that in 4 years) including discussing a "I wanna go home" text in the wee hours from our daughter her first night in the dorm. Our daughter ended up settling in fine, went to parties with her roommates (she's in a quad), and seemed good with everything. My ex and I went to a fun dinner with all the parents of her 3 roommates. The final departure from our daughter was a little emotional, but not bad. I think we all were ready. But I think she appreciated that we came together for her. On the drive home me and little sister bonded and experienced the total eclipse outside of Nashville (mom was back to work).
All in all our fractured little family pulled together and it warmed my heart.
All in all our fractured little family pulled together and it warmed my heart.
16
Dropped our son off at college in 2003 and having mixed emotions about him leaving I snapped out of it when I thought about the parents who had sons and daughters leaving for Iraq. Snap out of it folks and get real. It's college, probably the best time of his life!!
8
Don't know who wrote the subheading lead-in for this article on the front page ("Um, no problem"), but it's sad to see the Gray Lady descend into tacky People-magaziney crewspeak.
2
I laughed so hard that I cried, we, the baby boomers, had the good times, the best of times. I would not want to be a young person, entering the real, mixed up, crazy world in 2017 - peace be with you!
2
Curled up in the back seat eating dope-laced gummy bears while daddy drives. So much for the strong woman narrative...
My father died when I was 20, and my mother when I was 39. Even if they had still been living when I was in my mid 50s, I would not have reverted to a childlike state.
My father died when I was 20, and my mother when I was 39. Even if they had still been living when I was in my mid 50s, I would not have reverted to a childlike state.
4
This is a lovely piece. I do enjoy College....and MaryJane.
1
Did mom and son not use their cell phones several times during mom's trip back home with grandpa on the wheel and singing along? Was the son just left in college after the big goodbye that morning and not heard from again? I doubt it. Only in literary renditions. In real life they must have talked several times that very same day to report back to mom. And then on day #2 and #3, etc. With technology these days the separation is really not that dramatic. Only in fiction and in days long gone by was that goodbye a real goodbye. Or perhaps mom ate too many wicked munchies during the drive back and does not remember. Nice piece, though.
3
Lovely essay.
The drop-off is a lot different when the adolescent years have been a hell. In such a case, no matter that you love your child, it feels like a release from prison.
The drop-off is a lot different when the adolescent years have been a hell. In such a case, no matter that you love your child, it feels like a release from prison.
Just dropped off our only child, a son also, at college in Pittsburgh. Today I began straightening up his room and got so sad. I miss him. I miss his voice, I miss his waking up late and entering the kitchen. The reality is...no matter what, from now on he only visits here. I'm happy for him and proud of him but boy is this tough.
8
Two kids, I have done this twice now. It gets better. Looking forward to my daughter's wedding now. Hang on tight.
3
We take our oldest this Wednesday... I've been feeling excited for her until I read this. Now I'm a blubbering mess. Beautiful piece. Especially the last paragraph, full circle, baby!
2
It is nice to see that you and your ex traveled together. I was married for 26 years and then divorced for 23. But throughout these 23 years we have remained friends, and my late mother always treated my ex-wife as her daughter. (But then we are Indians and in our country, ahem. women are loved! Don't listen to the biased account - based on cherry picking - which the NYT is constantly telling you!).
We recently spent two weeks in London. I have been to London before but it was my ex who dragged me along to places like the British library, the British Museum, Westminster Abbey and to the nearby resort of Brighton. I showed her Oxford where she had never been before.
After all, she is the mother of my two children, so she will always be a relative.
We recently spent two weeks in London. I have been to London before but it was my ex who dragged me along to places like the British library, the British Museum, Westminster Abbey and to the nearby resort of Brighton. I showed her Oxford where she had never been before.
After all, she is the mother of my two children, so she will always be a relative.
6
I've read a bunch of these "taking child to college" and this is the best one.
2
Well written, though I was left feeling rather sad. I suppose it is less self indulgent to create a life and story that leaves parents primarily feeling happy as their children are off to live their own lives. Why are parents so sad about what's really a success? Stop overthinking and get busy doing. Something is off about all this sadness ... a kid going to college is not an imposed tragedy but an opportunity resting on achievement.
2
I recently heard about a family friend in the UK whose daughter was going to film school in Canada, at the age of 26 ... Her mother flew to Canada to help her move in to her apartment and get settled! This is what happens when you hold those kids hands for too long. Farewells should take place on the doorstep, period.
2
Just in case no one has told you, "Good Job"! Oh, and in case you didn't get the memo, the " empty nesting thing" is real and will take time and an occasional glass of wine! Best advice I could give, if anyone asked me, is to find something to do that you enjoy! Learn something new, challenge yourself and remain viable! The possibilities are endless!
2
Mine is twenty, generous of spirit, kind of heart. She is also brilliant academically and got into an Ivy. I like it when she talks about the smarties she goes to school with. I particularly like it when she looks at them and says, "So you are smart, so what?" "How you fixed for common sense and empathy?"
I laugh because she refuses to be intimidated. I am also reassured because I
I do not regard myself as in any way smart enough to have achieved what she has already achieved. God smiled on me---if only he could have slowed down how fast it has all happened. When I thank her for being who she is we both just get awkward. Anyway---your thoughts are very appreciated. thank you.
I laugh because she refuses to be intimidated. I am also reassured because I
I do not regard myself as in any way smart enough to have achieved what she has already achieved. God smiled on me---if only he could have slowed down how fast it has all happened. When I thank her for being who she is we both just get awkward. Anyway---your thoughts are very appreciated. thank you.
1
Your child in college is like the old saw about owning a boat - a hole in the water into which one pours money. You could tour the country non-stop for what it costs to send a child to college.
1
I would like to know when my comment will be benign enough to pass the moderators "standards" for publishing?
College is good Johnny has a sweet mom. This was a touching article. A lovely piece.
Thank you Ms Lindeen.
College is good Johnny has a sweet mom. This was a touching article. A lovely piece.
Thank you Ms Lindeen.
1
This is excellent writing. I hope Linda Lindeen will be writing like this at age 80, full of wisdom, empathy, and gummies.
2
When it was time for her to go to BU, being in NJ, my ex came to get her to go. I could not bear to see them drive away so I took the car and went somewhere. Then when I got back, I felt such unresolved closure, the next day I drove up to Boston to say good luck As I am waiting for her to come to her brownstone dorm, I see my daughter, a six foot brunette beauty turning heads as she walks along the sidewalk. I fear for her now in this new life because in my mind, she is still a little girl. I cry all the way back to NJ. BUT there is a web cam facing Marsh Chapel and Student Center at BU. For the next four years, every morning at work, I watch the students. There is a statue in the courtyard so one day I emailed, "Becky go make a sign that says Hi Mom and stand by the statue. I will catch it as a screen shot' Her reply to me?
"Are you going nuts?"
"Are you going nuts?"
5
Be reassured about empty nesthood. I have been at this for 17 years. You will soon learn it's great. Relax and enjoy.
" ... I’ve shared my gummy-eating indiscretion with my dad ... My dad insists on driving all night."
Car accidents have increased in Washington State and in Colorado since they legalized recreational marijuana. I'm glad your dad insisted on driving the car, himself.
Car accidents have increased in Washington State and in Colorado since they legalized recreational marijuana. I'm glad your dad insisted on driving the car, himself.
3
Pass the kleenex please. #beautifullywritten
My takeaway from this is that Paul Westerberg is single -- ladies!
Well, that got me on the edge of weeping. You're lucky that everyone in your family is normal enough to love and feel. For me, I wish your father had also hugged your son.
Wishing you all the best.
Wishing you all the best.
2
Ok..a bunch of middle class identifying with each other. It was a random act for the 11 of us in my family to head off to college. No fanfare I can remember....being the eighth sibling: my mom said bye...haven't the foggiest what my dad was doing or where was at the time....older brother drove my sisters' car to take me to school...2.5 hours north of the Detroit....back home by Thanksgiving......for that four day holiday...The Jerry Lewis MD telethon played all day in the dorm lounge, the weekend that I began my academic pursuit.
What a wonderful piece. I was never blessed with children and so won't ever experience this, but Laura, you made me cry. I just recently lost my dad, and bringing your dad into the mix added a certain poignancy. Thank you.
Towards no end in particular this reminds me about the time I bought a basketball and on the way home I saw Bill Bradley pick up his daughter (I think it was his daughter) from an NYU dormitory. I think (this is how rumors start) his daughter had just graduated. It did feel nice seeing him.
1
What do you mean, "a rock star in the literal sense?" Is he an actual star made of rock? Is he a geologist? I can't believe you wrote a whole book without knowing what "literal" means.
1
Nice story.
3
My son is 8 and for some weird reason he's very curious about college already. He's been talking about it almost non stop for three days and all I can say is that the experience will be a bittersweet one for both of us.
Gads, how times have changed! When I went off to sight-unseen college, I was driven to the Greyhound station in Newark by my girlfriend at the time. An all night journey with a change of buses in Cleveland and then onto Ann Arbor where I missed the campus stop. Getting off downtown, I had to lug my heavy suitcase to my dorm,wherever South Quad was,(no wheels on suitcases then, and no Uber). A phone call to my folks from a phone booth assured them of my arrival.
And I won't wax over the experiences of hitchhiking home for school breaks on the oft-snowy Ohio Turnpike...but what memories!
And I won't wax over the experiences of hitchhiking home for school breaks on the oft-snowy Ohio Turnpike...but what memories!
1
Three years ago my husband and I took our son to college in the same van we bought years before for the kindergarten carpool. A senior now who took himself to school, we've all made it through these transitions. In one week my sister and I will take my youngest to college abroad. I'll miss both of them terribly but am so grateful that I've been able to enjoy these life experiences with them! The empty nest will be new territory to walk through. I'll adjust and thrive just as my kids have!
3
I am looking forward to my daughter going off to college. Three years from now when she goes to the dorm as a junior, it will be my joy to see her as she grows into an independent child...I will miss her, but...time to grow up baby
2
My fondest memory of my mom is when she and I embraced and cried before I drove away to college in tbe old station wagon, 1975. I never told her i cried as far as Madison, WI. Similar experiences with our three children. These moments, while gut wrenching, are so cherished.
4
We all let go. My husband and I drove our son to a school surround by vast rolling hills of nothing nearby, helped him set up his room, hugged him and left him there, surrounded by gothic buildings and fancy new dorms and lots of trees.
We felt like monsters.
But he not only survived, but thrived, as does our daughter at school a mere hour away, available by train. That's why we toss them out of the nest.
I didn't need pot gummies, or even wine. But I did need faith in both my children, that they would thrive in the change. That they would stay safe while they were not under my watchful eye, that they would survive dining halls,, shared rooms, and most of all the stress of managing hard classes and finding new friends by themselves.
They did, and when we dropped them off this year, it was just a chore. Hugs until thanksgiving, and promised to call or at least text. The nest is gone.
We felt like monsters.
But he not only survived, but thrived, as does our daughter at school a mere hour away, available by train. That's why we toss them out of the nest.
I didn't need pot gummies, or even wine. But I did need faith in both my children, that they would thrive in the change. That they would stay safe while they were not under my watchful eye, that they would survive dining halls,, shared rooms, and most of all the stress of managing hard classes and finding new friends by themselves.
They did, and when we dropped them off this year, it was just a chore. Hugs until thanksgiving, and promised to call or at least text. The nest is gone.
1
So lovely.
I dropped off my son yesterday in Poughkeepsie along with my daughter, my ex, and his wife. I was doing fine til we drove through the gates and the older students we yelling "welcome!" and I burst into tears.
It's so true that all of it - the old phases of his life, our family life together, the hurt of breaking apart, the unwelcome addition of the new part, and the nervousness of the transition - came together creating a bittersweet day for us all. I know he's as prepared as he can be emotionally and academically. As for me? I guess, but I could sure use some gummies!
I dropped off my son yesterday in Poughkeepsie along with my daughter, my ex, and his wife. I was doing fine til we drove through the gates and the older students we yelling "welcome!" and I burst into tears.
It's so true that all of it - the old phases of his life, our family life together, the hurt of breaking apart, the unwelcome addition of the new part, and the nervousness of the transition - came together creating a bittersweet day for us all. I know he's as prepared as he can be emotionally and academically. As for me? I guess, but I could sure use some gummies!
1
Like the author, I thought I could get through this piece without breaking down, but I totally lost it at "I love you, sweet baby." And two of my kids left for college years ago. You never get used to this, even when it's happening vicariously. Thanks, Laurie, for a poignant and touching memory; bittersweet is good...
3
Loved this piece. ... and your writing I don't have kids but do have a dad and he would have done something very similar... and the thought of it makes me cry... thank you and bon courage with the nest!
1
Great story! Next summer I leave my oldest -- and only -- child and already feel the flood of emotions.
1
Very moving piece. As a single parent I experienced all these milestones alone. Having just one child, I was dreading the empty nest once he began college. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't cry when it was time to leave. I didn't want him to unduly worry about me. I kept my promise and drove away without crying. I exited the campus, drove one block, pulled over, and let myself cry. After about ten minutes I pulled myself together and began the journey home. I made it a point to let him have his space during that year. He knew I was there to always support him, but I did not try to micro manage him from many states away. We spoke/face-timed weekly and sent texts often. However, I allowed him to grow and be independent. I really tried my best to not be intrusive and I let him lead our conversations. Something I will always treasure is that during the ride home after his freshman year my son told me how proud he was of me! He said that so many of his friends' parents were constantly calling and sending texts asking about every little thing and it made them crazy. He told me that I allowed him to be and to do and that he realized how lucky he was that I supported and trusted him. At that moment I was happy I hadn't made a promise to not cry on the way home...for cry I did! Three more years of drop-offs were easier. Today I brought him to the airport as he is about to begin his PhD. As he walked away I shed some tears, but I am so very proud of the man he has become.
11
I had my kids in my 40s. Too old to have parents around to drive me anywhere. Appreciate having the opportunity to relive your childhood while your child learns to be an adult! My oldest just began her Freshman year of college. While sad, the alternative would be much sadder. No tears. She said goodbye to me at home while my husband drove her the 7 hours to her college. Yes, I felt depressed for a couple of days and can't imagine how I'll feel when my youngest leaves in 2 years. My main concern now is that my child achieve what she must at college. It may sound co-dependent, but if she is happy, I will be more than fine.
It sounds the opposite.
What a beautiful and touching piece that captures the many mixed, layered and poignant moments of sending your child into the world.
7
Lots of mixed emotions - single parenting for 15 years was hard and college drop-off was a relief. The dad who was not involved before did not get involved in college stuff - I don't know if my girls expected it or not - they never asked him to join in. Otherwise I too would have had a smoker in the back seat! Anyway, there should be a happy medium between the mid-70's hands off approach (make bed and then "Good-Bye, see you at Thanksgiving") and the hours and hours parents stay now to make sure everything set up just so (huge car load!), all decor in place for picture perfect dorm room, extra runs to Target or BBB. I wanted to leave and let my girls settle in to their space on their own. Watching other parents helicopter made them want me to do the same! I like my nice quiet empty nest.
1
Sophomores are much easier to deal with than freshmen. In that one year they learn how to take care of themselves and parents learn to trust them to survive. Academics are puzzling to parents - it is a rare parent who understands the benefits of completing the reading, papers and problems that their child is describing over the phone, in a text or over coffee. But academics are what the student must succeed at in order to stay away and pay all that tuition. Listening is a great tool. If real problems persist, it is often worthwhile to recommend the remedies that the school offers for the problems. These kids are actually adults. We need their permission to see their grades, their medical histories, and any records that they create with the "Student Life" people who enforce the rules.
The student may actually ask about the parent's experience and may listen when a parent calmly responds to some shocking report about life on that far-away campus. Some sense that the parent knows something and has experienced something does return as the student actually wrestles with challenges.
Not many of them die in freshman year; not many of their mistakes are irretrievable and your words are worth little compared to their experience. But a calm, trusting parental voice can actually serve the student in ways that you do not expect.
Yes, we miss them. That is baked in. And they have to go away.
The student may actually ask about the parent's experience and may listen when a parent calmly responds to some shocking report about life on that far-away campus. Some sense that the parent knows something and has experienced something does return as the student actually wrestles with challenges.
Not many of them die in freshman year; not many of their mistakes are irretrievable and your words are worth little compared to their experience. But a calm, trusting parental voice can actually serve the student in ways that you do not expect.
Yes, we miss them. That is baked in. And they have to go away.
1
What about a story concerning Freshmen
who do not "go away' to College,
but stay at home and work
and go to Community College,
in order to help their families.
I would be interested in knowing
what percentage of NY Times readers
went "away to college".
who do not "go away' to College,
but stay at home and work
and go to Community College,
in order to help their families.
I would be interested in knowing
what percentage of NY Times readers
went "away to college".
10
Thirty three years ago, I made the choice not to leave, and enrolled in my hometown university, UNC- Charlotte. The son of Greek immigrants, I commuted from home, worked part time in the family restaurant business, got a co-op job with IBM while a junior, and still managed to make the Dean's List most semesters. I did not join a fraternity, did not party like it was 1999, and managed to pay my own way through. I'm sure I missed out on some incredible experiences, but I made plenty too. I also was the first in my family to attend and graduate college, and met my wife at UNCC two years after I had finished.
I just dropped my daughter off for her second year, my youngest starts his journey next year. Both will be about 3 hours away. My best advice, find a school that fits your children's goals AND comfort level, while fitting in your budget. Community colleges are a great option. My daughter would be lost in a campus of 40,000, my son won't consider a "small" school. As long as they thrive, we're good!
I just dropped my daughter off for her second year, my youngest starts his journey next year. Both will be about 3 hours away. My best advice, find a school that fits your children's goals AND comfort level, while fitting in your budget. Community colleges are a great option. My daughter would be lost in a campus of 40,000, my son won't consider a "small" school. As long as they thrive, we're good!
6
Likely pretty high, given the demographics of the Times' readership.
2
ARG,
It seems so.
I am somewhat amazed that it seems universal among the
readers of the Times that you have to go away to college and that you have to go right after High School.
I will dare to pro-offer that most young people would benefit far more in working after High School, attending Community College and finding out what they want to do in life and then
finishing up at a 4 year College - rather then heading off to a Freshman dorm, paying outrageous Tuition/Boarding costs
to be taught the same courses, for the most part, that they could get at a Community College.
It seems so.
I am somewhat amazed that it seems universal among the
readers of the Times that you have to go away to college and that you have to go right after High School.
I will dare to pro-offer that most young people would benefit far more in working after High School, attending Community College and finding out what they want to do in life and then
finishing up at a 4 year College - rather then heading off to a Freshman dorm, paying outrageous Tuition/Boarding costs
to be taught the same courses, for the most part, that they could get at a Community College.
2
Our journey began in Rochester and ended 13 hours later in Madison. At 6:30 am a surly bark rejected my advice on siphoning water from the aquarium. At 6:45 the splash of water on the driveway from the window a floor above, a panicked shriek: "Dad! The fish!" At 8:30 my announcement that this was a traveling seminar with 10 classes on life skills and the learner could choose only the order of presentation. I managed two. (In this, I am an unlikely mentor.) Move-in the next day, surging adolescence in the corridor, in and out of rooms. Then the long drive home. Through Chicago in the afternoon rush, alone but not lonely. That waits for Indiana.
3
Love the many layers and levels of your adventure - parent, child, spouse. A delightful rendition of an interesting episode... and where can we get some edibles here in MN?!!?
3
We just drove our youngest off to a school program. Took the scenic route as it had a great reputation for a lovely holiday. The day we dropped her off, the fog set in and we couldn't even see the road, much less the scenery. My husband's voice was scratchy, and he lost his ability to speak on the ten and a half drive back home that I had envisioned as a time for us to bond philosophically.
Come back and he goes see a doctor who tells him not to speak for two weeks. After two weeks, I get his virus and now I cannot speak. Most depressing month I ever spent.
Come back and he goes see a doctor who tells him not to speak for two weeks. After two weeks, I get his virus and now I cannot speak. Most depressing month I ever spent.
1
But, had you both not gone, you'd have regretted it, no? Get well soon!
I cried all the way through the story and during most of the comments. Thank you.
I took my daughter alone by plane . I was in shock and didn't know it then or for another 15 years through which her father was either having affairs or lying about it . Now I have the most authentic relationship with her I have ever had because I'm no longer in shock. I know I will be a healthier , happier mother of the bride someday , if it happens, because I have outlived the shock . It was sad and wonderful to read about more "normal" peoples experience in seeing their kids off to college. Thank you
I took my daughter alone by plane . I was in shock and didn't know it then or for another 15 years through which her father was either having affairs or lying about it . Now I have the most authentic relationship with her I have ever had because I'm no longer in shock. I know I will be a healthier , happier mother of the bride someday , if it happens, because I have outlived the shock . It was sad and wonderful to read about more "normal" peoples experience in seeing their kids off to college. Thank you
2
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope your son loves Fort Collins and his classes. Plan a special trip for you two. It will give you something to plan together. Best wishes!
1
Laurie, L., you lost me in the second or third graph.
Really, I am not interested in your former husband's issues, nor yours.
I wish all the best for Johnny and you all, too.
Really, I am not interested in your former husband's issues, nor yours.
I wish all the best for Johnny and you all, too.
3
Hey, hey. It's just a story. If you're not interested in reading about the twitchy little details that make up someone's/many of our personal lives, you probably should not read this particular column.
2
Then why take the time and trouble to comment?
2
Our son went to school, my husband went away on a two week business trip, and one of the dogs died. All I remember of that time is that my other dog and I spent a lot of time hugging. It was good to have somethng to focus on rather than the empty bedroom and the lack of loud music eminating from the room down the hall.
It took several weeks to get used to him not being home, then Thanksgiving came and he was back. Surpriseingly I was glad for him to go back to the dorm at the end of the holiday. He was used to living without us, and it was hard for him and for us. We'd all changed. The transition for him and for us was in full swing.
It took several weeks to get used to him not being home, then Thanksgiving came and he was back. Surpriseingly I was glad for him to go back to the dorm at the end of the holiday. He was used to living without us, and it was hard for him and for us. We'd all changed. The transition for him and for us was in full swing.
6
I hope her son okayed this first! That said -- surprisingly affecting, because I'm not a parent. Good work.
4
it's been 15 years since we dropped our first born off at college.
even though he made the right choice, he was stressed out.
me? is was so stressed out I wound up at the er thinking I was having a heart attack.
he still doesn't know this.
even though he made the right choice, he was stressed out.
me? is was so stressed out I wound up at the er thinking I was having a heart attack.
he still doesn't know this.
3
Having just dropped my last one at Harvard, I just could not resist sharing my own sense of understanding and emotion . No weed here, not even alcohol to sooth the heartbreak. I am not looking forward to the empty nest. Luckily I am not separated but still, thanks for sharing!
5
I love the mention of "Harvard," relevant to nothing. Ditto that your marriage is intact.
8
My daughter was determined to attend a big college in a big city. I felt she was better suited to a smaller school, but every time I raised this, she rolled her eyes and reminded me who was enrolling. I never argue with success, but I stayed skeptical.
My wife and I discussed the best way to leave her at school without drama. Her plan was drive to the school, park, unload, meet some students, and away we go. The script was stark, but I agreed with the plan knowing that my wife reads about things like how to drop a kid off at college the first time, and is smarter about how to make a plan like that work. Her plan worked well until I asked my daughter if she wanted to have dinner before we departed. My wife scowled at me, turned to me and said, "I'm not hungry", then looked at my daughter and said (as I recall) "darling, we've got to beat the traffic so give us a call when you're settled."
Ten days later, she still hadn't called. Each day, I noted this to my wife. I asked whether we ought to find out what's up, but all I got was that if there was an emergency, the college knew where to find us. Near the 2-week marker, she called. She forgot to pack a book she wanted. Classes were great, the food okay. She couldn't talk since she and her friends were going out. That was fall 2002. Except for 2 years away from that college, she lives there and works at the University's medical center, having received 2 degrees there. Give children credit. Have a plan and don't panic.
My wife and I discussed the best way to leave her at school without drama. Her plan was drive to the school, park, unload, meet some students, and away we go. The script was stark, but I agreed with the plan knowing that my wife reads about things like how to drop a kid off at college the first time, and is smarter about how to make a plan like that work. Her plan worked well until I asked my daughter if she wanted to have dinner before we departed. My wife scowled at me, turned to me and said, "I'm not hungry", then looked at my daughter and said (as I recall) "darling, we've got to beat the traffic so give us a call when you're settled."
Ten days later, she still hadn't called. Each day, I noted this to my wife. I asked whether we ought to find out what's up, but all I got was that if there was an emergency, the college knew where to find us. Near the 2-week marker, she called. She forgot to pack a book she wanted. Classes were great, the food okay. She couldn't talk since she and her friends were going out. That was fall 2002. Except for 2 years away from that college, she lives there and works at the University's medical center, having received 2 degrees there. Give children credit. Have a plan and don't panic.
5
So many emotions in a jam packed day or three. Makes one think of past, present and death. Most of all it makes me think of what honesty can do for a life well lived.
3
My daughter is my only child, I am a single mother, and her father lived across the country when I dropped her off for college ten years ago. I was actually proud of the fact that I didn't cry, and neither did my daughter. I visited a friend who lived in the area in order to avoid going home for a couple of days, then drove the 500 miles home, alone. I was fine! I walked in the door, opened the refrigerator, saw my daughter's assortment of vegan foods that only she ate, and burst into tears. I went to bed for a week. I've learned, over the past ten years, that our kids will always be in and out of our lives physically, but they are in our hearts always, and they are only a text or a Skype away. Separating for college is very hard for most of us, but it's the proper order of things if we want our children, and ourselves, to live a fulfilling life.
7
It's truly amazing how much better things feel when both my adult children are staying in my home overnight, even if it is the only time all Christmas season, or all summer.
7
Outstanding on many levels. Thank you.
And thanks for the info on the gummie bears...
Keep on keepin' on
And thanks for the info on the gummie bears...
Keep on keepin' on
4
Thank you for the lovely writing and sharing. I sobbed at all three kindergarten drop offs and then again at all three college drop offs. When my eldest finally called home he asked what I was doing and I said "wishing that I could have you back as a 3 year old for just one day." There was about 10 seconds of silence and then he said "wow Mom. You should really get a life." But I had a life, it was him for 18 years and then he was suddenly gone. It gets easier and with each departure comes a certain amount of liberation. But the initial good bye is hard.
6
My son and High School never got along. He dropped out in 9th grade, and planted himself on the computer, spending his days gaming. As a single parent, self employed as a real estate Broker, I left the house every morning and called up to him, "I'm going to work," and he would call down, "Ok, bye Mom". And that is about how it went for about 3 years.
It was too late for him to rejoin High School, and he had no desire to. However, as an avid gamer he found a back door out of high school, the CHSPE test (California High School Proficiency Exam) that he took and passed, with results coming back in July.
About a week later, I was off to work and called upstairs to him, "Bye Brendan, am off to work" in which case he called back, "Mom, I am going to college". This stopped me in my tracks. I was elated, but incredulous. "Am going to Berkeley City College".
I went to work and started making plans. We drove the four hours down a few days later, and he signed up for classes. We stayed in a hotel called The Graduate, themed with a poster from the movie, mid-century modern paintings and a room key fashioned like a vintage student ID.
The following week, went down again, to secure housing. My son's resolve was unwavering, he was going to college. We found a suitable studio apartment, but it is not available until September 3rd. Classes started on August 21st. Found a temporary room on Airbnb, it was a subway away from classes. I go down next week to drop him into his apt.
It was too late for him to rejoin High School, and he had no desire to. However, as an avid gamer he found a back door out of high school, the CHSPE test (California High School Proficiency Exam) that he took and passed, with results coming back in July.
About a week later, I was off to work and called upstairs to him, "Bye Brendan, am off to work" in which case he called back, "Mom, I am going to college". This stopped me in my tracks. I was elated, but incredulous. "Am going to Berkeley City College".
I went to work and started making plans. We drove the four hours down a few days later, and he signed up for classes. We stayed in a hotel called The Graduate, themed with a poster from the movie, mid-century modern paintings and a room key fashioned like a vintage student ID.
The following week, went down again, to secure housing. My son's resolve was unwavering, he was going to college. We found a suitable studio apartment, but it is not available until September 3rd. Classes started on August 21st. Found a temporary room on Airbnb, it was a subway away from classes. I go down next week to drop him into his apt.
15
Best wishes to your son!
1
I feel rough for the both of you. I'm the same age, and our 11 year old is a bit behind yours, but we dread the inevitable. Great that your boy is headed off on his own, just as you and your ex have done.
2
Going off to college is a quintessentially American thing. The country is so vast, the options so many. In Sydney, Australia, in the mid sixties, most of us commuted by train and/or bus to University, a much smaller percentage of the population than here in the USA today. The economics of living at home and attending a nearby school is not mentioned here, but is the norm in many countries.
2
My mother was always stoic - I don't remember her ever telling me she loved me, though I know she did. The day I left for college, my dad was the one who was going to drive me the two hours to campus, so I said goodbye to my mom in the morning when I walked her out to her car. She turned and hugged me, hard. My hands were on her back, and I could feel her shoulder blades sticking out, sharp like wings on a bird. She got in the car without a word and drove off. When I try to think of times my mom let me know she loved me, I always remember that hug.
4
We dropped off my first daughter in Cambridge, where 50 years before, my hubby was born to 2 PHD attending the same institution. I felt completely heart broken driving back to NJ without my daughter in the car, and I desperately needed to hear my mum assure me that my feelings were what she too felt when we all left home. But, unlike the lucky writer, I could not be comforted by a parent. My mother passed away 8 years ago, and so I am left with imagining what my mother's response would be. Cherish the time with family - with kids before they fly the nest, and with parents, before they pass on.
6
I remember dropping my oldest off at college (my wife had to work) and we stopped 1/2 way there a stayed the night a some motel, played mini golf, had a lovely time then went the short trek to college. There, I unloaded and helped her move in and "arrange the double beds" then try and stall for time before eventually leaving. I held the tears until I was away from her but but I cried for miles. Coming over a rise on 101 (yes California) I saw a beautiful big full rising moon through the trees and somehow felt better. It happens, it's wonderful, it's sad but not.
3
Having raised my only child as a single mother, my daughter & I were quite close. We did the 'college tour' together the previous year, she was determined to go to school across the country on the east coast, which I completely supported (given I'd left the country to go to college, it didn't surprise me). She got into the east coast school of her choice.
I dropped her off at the airport (her father was meeting her there to help her move in), like I had a million times during her life, since her father lived out of state & she visited him often. But this time we both knew was completely different. Since she was 5 she'd flown a lot, just wave to me & say 'Bye Mom' before boarding alone, this time though she & I both sobbed as we hugged goodbye.
I don't know how aware exactly she was that 'life would never be the same' but I was all too aware. It was heart wrenching for me, I felt an emptiness that was so deep it seemed it might never go away. I went straight to our local workout club to try to soothe my soul, and ran into my daughter's best childhood friend. We chatted, she made some comments about seeing my daughter back for Thanksgiving and somehow, I felt better. Things were changing, but not entirely.
I dropped her off at the airport (her father was meeting her there to help her move in), like I had a million times during her life, since her father lived out of state & she visited him often. But this time we both knew was completely different. Since she was 5 she'd flown a lot, just wave to me & say 'Bye Mom' before boarding alone, this time though she & I both sobbed as we hugged goodbye.
I don't know how aware exactly she was that 'life would never be the same' but I was all too aware. It was heart wrenching for me, I felt an emptiness that was so deep it seemed it might never go away. I went straight to our local workout club to try to soothe my soul, and ran into my daughter's best childhood friend. We chatted, she made some comments about seeing my daughter back for Thanksgiving and somehow, I felt better. Things were changing, but not entirely.
2
2 years ago I dropped my only son at a college in Florida-we are from Queens. I am also a single parent and no contact with his father. Both of my parents are long deceased. The deep feeling of loss and separation shook my core and I would have loved to have had a parent or parental figure there to comfort me. On a positive note-it gets better. 2 years in, one school transfer (closer to home) it still twinges when he leaves but no where near that first drop off. It's pretty profound. Your story was very heartfelt and lovely.
6
This was a truly interesting piece, and the comments praising it are a revelation as well. This experience speaks to the feelings of lots of people, and I'm glad to learn about what starting college means to families today.
When I went to college, none of these things happened. Nothing here strikes me as familiar. Coming from an immigrant home, tears were for when a person had to leave college, for financial reasons or illness or something like that -- in other words, for something that was not freely chosen but imposed -- and certainly not for the glorious day when a person arrived at college. When my parents were at university, their city was bombed in a blitzkrieg. That is how their professional aspirations ended, forever. Fortunately for them, and for me, their youth ended long before that, so they were well-equipped to resist and survive and one day be parents.
I loved having parents with gravitas. Can't be beat! I miss them every day.
When I went to college, none of these things happened. Nothing here strikes me as familiar. Coming from an immigrant home, tears were for when a person had to leave college, for financial reasons or illness or something like that -- in other words, for something that was not freely chosen but imposed -- and certainly not for the glorious day when a person arrived at college. When my parents were at university, their city was bombed in a blitzkrieg. That is how their professional aspirations ended, forever. Fortunately for them, and for me, their youth ended long before that, so they were well-equipped to resist and survive and one day be parents.
I loved having parents with gravitas. Can't be beat! I miss them every day.
6
This rang very true to me. As a professor at a small liberal arts college I just want to let you know that if you ever become concerned about your child's well-being, you should not hesitate to contact their advisor to get a second opinion on how they are doing. It will benefit both of us, and perhaps your child as well. Helicopter parents continue to be a real thing, but loving parents are something none of us can get enough of. I responded to your piece primarily as a parent, but for me the wrenching moment is graduation, when I have to let go, trust that each of my students will continue to try to be the best they can be, and I am left again to contemplate the choices I have made in my own life. Being forced to do this on an annual basis is one of the reasons I have one of the best jobs in the world.
14
I mean no disrespect to the parents who are dropping off their students at college this time of the year. What struck me as I read the article was how do the parents of non-college students feel and what do they go through as a number of them surrender their 18-19 year old sons and daughters to the US military? Certainly these parents feel similar loss and worry that at least a number of them will not be returning after 4 years of being away from home. God bless all parents and their children!
17
Thank you for this.
We are contemporaries, Laurie. I vividly recall my drop off at college, and doing the same for my kids decades later. As a parent, I know I'll never lose the great concern I have for my kids' wellbeing, just as my parents never did for mine - age, independence and success notwithstanding. This is in our DNA, and is the basis for the survival of our species.
4
It is traumatic when the first child goes off to college. We have 3 daughters. The oldest is a rock, smart, responsible, and always ready to be helpful and delighted.
The day came to drive her to her dorm. The university had told her to arrive around 8:30 am. At 6 am, she and I were in the car for a new adventure--about to close off one chapter and start a new one. Scary
The unloading process was well organized with lots of students to help unpack cars, escort freshmen to their rooms, and we were moved in fast. I was told to move our car to a big parking lot, take a shuttle bus back to the dorm, and join our daughter for a pickup breakfast in the nearby dining hall. After breakfast, we hesitantly said our goodbyes. I chattered away about if she needed anything, don't forget to call, I love you. She bravely walked away to independence.
Finding a seat on the shuttle bus to return to the parking lot, I sat next to another mom looking quiet and contemplative. We said hello; then she started crying softly. I easily cry and joined in. We talked through tears about how much we were missing our first-born children already.
A much older man in the seat in back of us tapped us on the shoulders and said: "Ladies, I can't help but noticing you are crying. Must be your first child going off to college." We said yes. His face erupted into a merry grin, and he blurted out: "This is the happiest day of my life. I just dropped off my fourth and last son for college. Hallelujah!"
The day came to drive her to her dorm. The university had told her to arrive around 8:30 am. At 6 am, she and I were in the car for a new adventure--about to close off one chapter and start a new one. Scary
The unloading process was well organized with lots of students to help unpack cars, escort freshmen to their rooms, and we were moved in fast. I was told to move our car to a big parking lot, take a shuttle bus back to the dorm, and join our daughter for a pickup breakfast in the nearby dining hall. After breakfast, we hesitantly said our goodbyes. I chattered away about if she needed anything, don't forget to call, I love you. She bravely walked away to independence.
Finding a seat on the shuttle bus to return to the parking lot, I sat next to another mom looking quiet and contemplative. We said hello; then she started crying softly. I easily cry and joined in. We talked through tears about how much we were missing our first-born children already.
A much older man in the seat in back of us tapped us on the shoulders and said: "Ladies, I can't help but noticing you are crying. Must be your first child going off to college." We said yes. His face erupted into a merry grin, and he blurted out: "This is the happiest day of my life. I just dropped off my fourth and last son for college. Hallelujah!"
13
wow this is great, thanks Laurie
4
Great read - thanks for sharing your humanity.
2
Thanks Laurie.
I love your husband's music more than just about anybody else's but I can imagine a drive like this (to say nothing of a marriage) with him would have its trials.
A very moving piece. Best to Johnny--still love his contribution (at what, age 9?) to the PW masterpiece 49:00.
I love your husband's music more than just about anybody else's but I can imagine a drive like this (to say nothing of a marriage) with him would have its trials.
A very moving piece. Best to Johnny--still love his contribution (at what, age 9?) to the PW masterpiece 49:00.
1
Exquisite piece -- beautiful writing
4
Oh my! You had me from the start. It's amazing how the raw the memory of dropping of my now 31-year old son is. You made both my husband and me laugh, cry, reminisce. Loved the end...the part about having your father at the wheel, literally. Beautiful beautiful beautiful and a lovely distraction from the front page news.
3
Thank you for this lovely piece. It moved me to tears. Although my son graduated from college a couple of years ago, I shared it with him because he too is a child of divorce -- a divorce which is never going to win any prizes for peace and understanding -- and because, like the author, I love my son beyond any words to tell.
8
The author's dad may not have been all she wanted him to be, but at age 54 she laid in the back seat and got stoned while he drove her home. I wonder how he felt about that, after the second stop for munchies.
Many parents drop their kids off at college. Most don't have to get stoned to deal with it. Is there some lesson in that?
This was a self-indulgent essay that said little and taught nothing. I read it twice to be sure I wasn't missing something. I wasn't. It's hard to understand what some NYT editor saw in it, other than the author used to be married to an unnamed rock star (found through Google). It was an uninteresting telling of an uninteresting story.
Many parents drop their kids off at college. Most don't have to get stoned to deal with it. Is there some lesson in that?
This was a self-indulgent essay that said little and taught nothing. I read it twice to be sure I wasn't missing something. I wasn't. It's hard to understand what some NYT editor saw in it, other than the author used to be married to an unnamed rock star (found through Google). It was an uninteresting telling of an uninteresting story.
17
Not everyone has perfectly orchestrated lives with parents beyond reproach. We are flawed and messy, and our stories are meant to entertain, but also enlighten. I hope that Lindeen's story shed light on lives different from your own. Ideally, that's the beauty of literature.
9
I thought it was one of the best essays I have ever read in the Times. No, the family is not white bread and thank God for that.
3
And yet you found the time to read it twice, "Google" the ex's name and post a comment. Hmmm?
3
Should have just gone to the U of MN and saved me from having to plow through this drivel. Probably would've saved on that out-of-state tuition too. I suppose that rockstar salary will pay the bills though.
8
Another one upset that some people have a little more money than others. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if they both don't give a lot to the down trodden or Doctors Without Borders. You know, things like that.
1
I work as a college counselor at an elite prep school. And I'm the parent of an almost-30 year old. Your story rings true on so many levels. Thank you for sharing as it reminds us that despite the madness in D.C., most Americans are carrying on with their lives in very recognizable and heartwarming ways. Thank you.
9
Another way of looking at children going off to college is that they have successfully reached a new stage in life--and how fortunate they are. As my four children entered college I was ecstatic for them, knowing that they were entering a personal time of great discovery, both intellectually and socially, and that I had helped them reach that point.
3
I took consolation dropping my sons off to college in the fact that if they weren't going away to college they would be sitting at home in my basement without a job.
15
my peer group was being shipped off to Vietnam.
Parents, let your kids grow up or after graduation they will be living in your home playing video games for endless hours in the basement.
Parents, let your kids grow up or after graduation they will be living in your home playing video games for endless hours in the basement.
8
This is a lovely, sweet essay. Thank you for sharing such a personal story at a time when thousands of parents are experiencing similar scenes across the country. Thank you also for the example of how parents can put aside their own needs (wanting to blow up at the ex in the back seat when he lights up) in favor of tending to the needs of your child - and making it turn into a pleasant trip instead. Circling around to the drive home with your own father was a perfect ending.
P.S. I thought it was a lovely gesture to quietly slip the condoms in the drawer. It was clearly a statement about your expectations of how he should conduct himself without the lecture.
P.S. I thought it was a lovely gesture to quietly slip the condoms in the drawer. It was clearly a statement about your expectations of how he should conduct himself without the lecture.
21
An annoying, self-indulgent essay running on the same day as would-be op-ed contributors are subjected to a snotty lecture on "good writing." In this case, Ms. Lindeen, mentions that her ex-husband is "rock star in the literal sense," without naming him. As a service to readers, I have "researched" the missing fact: he's Paul Westerberg, lead singer, songwriter, guitarist of "The Replacements." Memo to Bret Stephens, author of "Tips for Aspiring Op-Ed Writers," good writing includes answering readers' obvious questions.
19
Disagree. If she brought in PW by name, it would have shifted the center of gravity of the piece to him.
Let any curious readers figure it out if they want. This was about their son being taken to college by divorced parents, not the Replacements.
Let any curious readers figure it out if they want. This was about their son being taken to college by divorced parents, not the Replacements.
20
I agree with you about the "snotty lecture" from Bret Stephens. Seemed so self-congratulatory and elitist to me. But I must disagree about the Johnny op-ed. I was touched and taken back to the bittersweet times we dropped off our kids at college.
Talk about a helicopter parent! She placed a box of condoms by her son's bed?
13
No, she slipped them into his drawer.
12
My son just became civilized as he left for college. Partly because I felt my job was done and there was no more nagging to do. I miss that glimmer of a young man I knew this summer. And mine was a tigger fan too and how I wish my father was here to me my hero.
10
a wonder story about a pot head mom and alcoholic narcissistic dad dropping their son off at colllege. His "future's so bright that he's got to wear shades."
7
You seem nice. The fact that you need to "Trump"et your tax paying and are from Ohio speaks volumes. One more thing, the people I've come across who like to crow about how hard they work are usually the ones who are more concerned with kissing the bosses' ass than getting stuff done.
24
other than the obsession of NYT readers to mention Trump when there is no connection to an article, your response was spot on.
reading the obsessed writings of nyt readers use to be entertaining. now it go the ignore pile.
reading the obsessed writings of nyt readers use to be entertaining. now it go the ignore pile.
Take comfort in the empty nest if you have instilled intellectual curiosity and nurtured the development of analytical thought processes in your college-bound kid. Too many of his peers will be trapped by their inability to reason quickly and well, if at all, because of their hyperactive texting and gaming activities to the exclusion of all mental maturity.
8
Grammatical indiscretions aside, a nice little anecdote. Liberal grading policies are extended however to raconteurs with rising THC counts. Coming of age regressions nothwithstanding, most do become their parents. Our people were farmers, so are we. We merely grow a different crop.
2
"We are not the winners of our neighborhood’s competition for the best divorce, but we’re on the same page when it comes to parenting."
When a column begins with an untruth, I read further purely for entertainment value.
When a column begins with an untruth, I read further purely for entertainment value.
4
Why do we need to read the therapeutic ramblings of narcissistic, deeply injured people? And why did our generation up-end the role of children and turn them into accidental and unwilling parents for their emotionally stunted mothers and fathers?
14
Moral of the story:
Don't have kids.
Don't marry the bad boy.
Don't have kids.
Don't marry the bad boy.
6
My wife did. It all worked out - Three kids, six. grandchildren. Our oldest is 47. No divorces.
18
Don't live your life? How's that working out for you?
1
"My ex and ME on a cross county drive..."
Grammar matters.
Grammar matters.
3
Not to mention that driving from Minnesota to Colorado does not qualify as a cross-country drive, a down-country drive or an extended road trip.
1
Grammar does indeed matter, and the author's is absolutely correct:
"My ex and I on a cross-country drive..."
Ms. Lindeen and her husband are the subject of the sentence, and there is an ellipsis (implied meaning while omitting a word or words) of the verb: My ex and I take a cross-country drive"; or "my ex and I are on a cross-country..."
Make the subject singular: we would not say "Me is on a cross-country drive".
"My ex and I on a cross-country drive..."
Ms. Lindeen and her husband are the subject of the sentence, and there is an ellipsis (implied meaning while omitting a word or words) of the verb: My ex and I take a cross-country drive"; or "my ex and I are on a cross-country..."
Make the subject singular: we would not say "Me is on a cross-country drive".
7
oh sure, all NYT readers smoke pot heavily , its normative, cool, hip....its hard to sustain a marriage when you are high much of the time i suppose..hippies uniote
3
She said she hadn't partaken in 20 years. But don't let facts get in the way of your stereotyping.
23
I guess this is interesting to yuppies with kids
12
A third of the way through I wondered when Mr. Westerberg will release his version of this in song. Beautifully written. Haven't gotten this choked up since I first heard "Tim" my first year of being on my own in college.
6
His father is Paul Westerberg! That kid has cool written all over him. What a pedigree. Great Mom & Dad.
9
Hate to say it, but Westerberg, despite being a caring father, still sounded like a self-centered, inconsiderate jerk, though there are far, far worse. I don't think I know a single song by The Replacements, but he's of my generation, born in the '50's.
BTW, though she didn't mention it, Laurie Lindeen was also a rock star, a guitarist, before she was a writer.
BTW, though she didn't mention it, Laurie Lindeen was also a rock star, a guitarist, before she was a writer.
7
CSU!!! Welcome to the greatest of all the states young Mr Westerberg. Perhaps permanently as most never leave. My oldest just headed down to Tulane with my wife yesterday. No tears. Happy for her and very proud.
4
Very nice "travelogue"! The trip. The contrast in those involved. The ups and downs of emotions. The gummie bears.
What a trip! And, it seems everyone came out OK.
Nice!
JimF from Sewell
What a trip! And, it seems everyone came out OK.
Nice!
JimF from Sewell
8
Our son, 20, in 3rd year of 5-year "coop" program - finishing up his first 6-month work assignment [paid!!!] - now bigger and smarter than me - product of 20yrs of family stability - I hope he wants to be my friend eventually...
3
I wish I'd had some gummy edibles to eat after driving cross country with my ex to drop my daughter at college last week, or a father still alive who could have driven me home. All of this makes me want to cry.
22
What a sweetly recollected experience. Pot generally gets a bad rap, but it's medicinal in a lot of ways. Bravo!
7
Sure drugs are cool, whatever
3
Nuts to you, Laurie... I'm at work, I can't be seen getting all teary-eyed and sniffly - my workmates will think something is really wrong! Seriously, though, a beautiful piece about such an important time, and a nice bookend to the Chuck E Cheese story. And the image of PW having to deal with Bed, Bath & Beyond is priceless! All the best to you in this new phase of your life.
2
To appreciate this touching story you must know who Paul Westerberg is. Maybe he enjoyed it, but him on a road trip with his ex seems across the plains seems akin to, in his own words, "just like a guitar in the hands of a man who just can't play"
1
Never understood how my parents were able to sleep knowing that their 17 year old college freshman son was free range on the LA Freeway system. Alas, they are now long gone. I think that the author's decision to self medicate (in moderation) with appropriately selected edibles (avoiding the Maureen Dowd syndrome) was wise.
13
Lucky parents of a neurotypical child. Ours lasted 6 weeks before we got a frantic call requesting that we remove him. They provided *zero* assistance and would not even go into his dorm to see if he was ok. Because, you know, he's 18. After they put him in honors housing and gushed about how much support he would have. Nothing. We lost $25k and 9 years later just thinking about Fort Collins makes me furious.
May your life be simpler. May you never have a special needs child who is brilliant but a complete failure as an adult. May you not face retirement with a nominal adult who can't live independently. May you never wonder why everyone else has neurotypical children and what you did to deserve this.
May your life be simpler. May you never have a special needs child who is brilliant but a complete failure as an adult. May you not face retirement with a nominal adult who can't live independently. May you never wonder why everyone else has neurotypical children and what you did to deserve this.
14
Dads are heroes and your kid will always come back!
2
Sorry but the TMI about the condoms took the "helicopter mom" thing to a whole creepy other level I didn't realize existed.
16
Not really. I would think parenting also evolves, just like biology or technology. Just because parents were reserved or too hands-off in the past doesn't necessarily mean their parenting techniques were better. In practical terms, think of it as her helping him practice what good HSchools teach in health (sex) ed class these days anyway.
These days, parents, to my eyes, are excessively involved like servants to their kids when they go off to college. I remember seeing parents on "move-in day" lugging stuff into dorms and other locations, even for third and fourth year students. They can't do it themselves? I have even witnessed the kids going off with friends or to parties while the parents do the work. Being kind and helpful is one thing, but this stuck me as idiotic. Let the kids carry their own stuff after the first year or first semester. Are you going to carry them through life? I guess many parents wish they could do just that.
When our daughter got into a minor bit of trouble at college, I was there to stand beside her and help answer for her. The other kids were on their own, Probably, the parents didn't even know they were needed or others chose not to come. Other than that one time, our daughter proudly made her own way, even taking to pushing around a cart selling Italian ice weekends in her first year (I still wish she hadn't done that, but all work represents experience and learning how to handle responsibilities).
Overall, my impression is that parents are trying too hard to be good guys and even buddies with their kids. College is a half way house between childhood and full adulthood and, with some exceptions, the kids should be left on their own. Let them grow up so they can spring forward at the end of college life.
When our daughter got into a minor bit of trouble at college, I was there to stand beside her and help answer for her. The other kids were on their own, Probably, the parents didn't even know they were needed or others chose not to come. Other than that one time, our daughter proudly made her own way, even taking to pushing around a cart selling Italian ice weekends in her first year (I still wish she hadn't done that, but all work represents experience and learning how to handle responsibilities).
Overall, my impression is that parents are trying too hard to be good guys and even buddies with their kids. College is a half way house between childhood and full adulthood and, with some exceptions, the kids should be left on their own. Let them grow up so they can spring forward at the end of college life.
59
As their new professor, not their parent, I wonder how these young people would have done back when I was a freshman: one phone on a hall for 32 girls to share and long distance phone rates that mandated short conversations whenever you did manage to connect. Or letters? Remember them? My students tell me that they text their parents several times a day and talk several times a week. I don't know whether to be happy for them or worried about them.
16
But it is NOT a stage between childhood and adulthood -- it WAS 45 years ago, when the age of majority was 21 and most students were NOT legal adults.
Today the age of majority is EIGHTEEN and at that age, you can vote -- get married -- sign a legal contract -- enlist in the military (or be drafted!) -- your parents have NO legal authority over you.
Since all but a handful of kids have turned 18 by the time they arrive at college....they are ADULTS. 100% fully adult and not in some "way station" inbetween.
Maybe that is the heart of the problem here -- wanting to keep adult children immature and dependent, incapable of even buying a pack of condoms or ordering their own pancakes.
Today the age of majority is EIGHTEEN and at that age, you can vote -- get married -- sign a legal contract -- enlist in the military (or be drafted!) -- your parents have NO legal authority over you.
Since all but a handful of kids have turned 18 by the time they arrive at college....they are ADULTS. 100% fully adult and not in some "way station" inbetween.
Maybe that is the heart of the problem here -- wanting to keep adult children immature and dependent, incapable of even buying a pack of condoms or ordering their own pancakes.
3
Totally totally agree. After my initial dropoff, sept 1970, my parents NEVER AGAIN appeared on campus at end/beginning of semesters. I was on my own, as were 90% (or more) of us.
I have a friend (from that same university) who is about to schlep to Philadelphia from Rhode Island, to help his son move into an apartment (hey, Prince -- rent a van, like we all did, ask your friends to help, and buy them pizza and beer at the end) -- and he's in GRAD school.
I have a friend (from that same university) who is about to schlep to Philadelphia from Rhode Island, to help his son move into an apartment (hey, Prince -- rent a van, like we all did, ask your friends to help, and buy them pizza and beer at the end) -- and he's in GRAD school.
1
This article really brought me back to my freshman year of college in 1982. I still remember one day that first September going to the laundry room in my dorm and someone's stereo was playing John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane", one of the best song's ever written in my mind. Some of the lyrics capture so well this time of transition:
Hold onto 16 as long as you can
Changes come around real soon make us women and men.
Hold onto 16 as long as you can
Changes come around real soon make us women and men.
40
Great piece. This is so relatable and funny and sad and uplifting . I'll be sure to stock up on gummy bears before dropping off my daughter at college next year...
39
Brand new empty nesters - as of today. The whole process is bittersweet - definitely more sweet than bitter but it's such a strange experience to feel both happy and sad at the same time. Both of our sons are now in school and living their dreams (and ours for them) and yet we miss them like crazy.
We love this quote by Stephen King. We first heard a version of this watching Shawshank Redemption with our sons right before our oldest left for college and it's stuck with us ever since. I know so many of you can relate...
"Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. I guess I just miss my friend."
We sure do miss our friends...
We love this quote by Stephen King. We first heard a version of this watching Shawshank Redemption with our sons right before our oldest left for college and it's stuck with us ever since. I know so many of you can relate...
"Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. I guess I just miss my friend."
We sure do miss our friends...
57
Take heart. Mine all came back. They and the six grandkids live within 30 miles.
3
Perfect quote! Thank you.
Awwwww. My first I drove to NYC from Ohio. Cried the first hour and then we got into a huge fight over a shower curtain in Kmart in midtown Manhattan.
I remember a little girl quizzically looking up at this sobbing adult woman , me, hiding behind the display of bathroom essentials.
We made up -the room as well as emotionally and the rest of the several days went pretty well.
The second kid flew off to Tokyo for college . Alone. I remember trying to convince him to go to school in the US because I wouldn't be able to come and help set up his dorm room. Ha! He showed me. Got a tiny apartment, a job and did outstandingly well. And thankfully came home in the summer and I could be a doting mom again.
There is a pot story though . At the end of one of his trips home ,a friend made him pot brownies the day before he was to return to Japan . I was so despondent I ate half the batch not knowing what they contained . I was high as a kite . Laughing hysterically and alternatively furious I kissed him goodbye at the airport . From the car -I was afraid the police would know I was stoned and god knows what would happen.
When I went to his graduation 4 years later I was known as the mom who ate the pot brownies. A dubious sort of honor .
We all survive . Now they're both married . Onward . Forward . With joy.
I remember a little girl quizzically looking up at this sobbing adult woman , me, hiding behind the display of bathroom essentials.
We made up -the room as well as emotionally and the rest of the several days went pretty well.
The second kid flew off to Tokyo for college . Alone. I remember trying to convince him to go to school in the US because I wouldn't be able to come and help set up his dorm room. Ha! He showed me. Got a tiny apartment, a job and did outstandingly well. And thankfully came home in the summer and I could be a doting mom again.
There is a pot story though . At the end of one of his trips home ,a friend made him pot brownies the day before he was to return to Japan . I was so despondent I ate half the batch not knowing what they contained . I was high as a kite . Laughing hysterically and alternatively furious I kissed him goodbye at the airport . From the car -I was afraid the police would know I was stoned and god knows what would happen.
When I went to his graduation 4 years later I was known as the mom who ate the pot brownies. A dubious sort of honor .
We all survive . Now they're both married . Onward . Forward . With joy.
100
Thanks for sharing. I'm in tears having read your story. It's adorable, "mom, who ate the pot brownies." Too funny and so full of real life.
1
Hahahahaha!! (You got in a "huge fight" over a shower curtain at Kmart but soon made up.)
That is *so perfectly mother and daughter. It reminds me of the roaring fight my mom and I had when I was buying my first car, and she was helping shop. (Probably because I'd be driving it out of town to ... new town, new job.)
A raging battle while shopping, soon forgotten: I wish my mom were still here to do it again.
But if she were, I wouldn't!
That is *so perfectly mother and daughter. It reminds me of the roaring fight my mom and I had when I was buying my first car, and she was helping shop. (Probably because I'd be driving it out of town to ... new town, new job.)
A raging battle while shopping, soon forgotten: I wish my mom were still here to do it again.
But if she were, I wouldn't!
Drove my son to college? Nope! I flew to Chicago from NYC on my own 30 years ago as a young woman. It was exciting and just a little bit sad leaving my mom back in NYC all by herself. If I did it and survived, then he could handle it himself too. So I dropped him off at the airport and moved on with my new found freedom. Hurray!
Now he's back for his first college summer and it's just like the words from Cats in the Cradle -- all he wants is my car key...
Now he's back for his first college summer and it's just like the words from Cats in the Cradle -- all he wants is my car key...
41
I used to tell my students (and I still believe) that when you go to college, the distance from home should be measured in time zones: two are better than one, and three are better than two. If out-of-state tuition is an issue, at least try to go to the other side of the state. And go there by yourself. (In other words: parents, send your kid off on his or her own.) If you need a tearful farewell, have it in the departure terminal of your hometown airport.
(I don't have children of my own, but as a child of immigrant parents who went away to college in a whole different country, I guess my perspective is different from the norm.)
(I don't have children of my own, but as a child of immigrant parents who went away to college in a whole different country, I guess my perspective is different from the norm.)
8
I agree Bruce. I had been on my own at a school in Europe for a yr when I flew on my own to CA for college. It was such a relief to arrive with my backpack and duffel and go shopping on my own as my 18 yr old peers had to deal with families and tons of junk.. Freedom is sweet!
7
A nod here on going it alone. I sent ten boxes and got on a plane with a suitcase thirty years ago. Never thought a thing about it!
5
Two suitcases--that was it for me. I was always amazed at the amount of stuff people had.
Dropping off a child at college these days seems to be a rite of passage for the parents more than the child. When we took our second child a few years ago, there were two days of activities/orientation for PARENTS. Not to be too cynical, but clearly the Development Office has discovered that involving parents at the earliest possible moment brings a higher yield.
Nevertheless, it was a wonderful two days, and kudos to our son for tolerating our own separation anxiety and vicarious joy in his new adventure - -college life.
Nevertheless, it was a wonderful two days, and kudos to our son for tolerating our own separation anxiety and vicarious joy in his new adventure - -college life.
9
Well written. The days leading up to the college drop off were the hardest for us and on the arrival day there it was cake. Seems the fear of the separation worsened the sadness despite knowing it is all healthy growth. Raising a child is so fun and so much work, I just wish a do-over was available so I could have done it better. That finitude is the crown of human life that one-shot-at-it deal is what makes us great locking down who we were but allowing us to become something more in the future. Best to All.
7
My wife and I drove our 18 year old to college yesterday. It was a bittersweet experience, as expected, but luckily, she is the second child, so we had experience already with the first one, and also, this one is only about 30 miles away, so we can see her essentially as often as she or us need. With our first child, the situation was quite different, since she attended college 7 hours away, and there was no way to get to her any quicker, as Santa Barbara has no real airport; not to mention the fact that it was my older baby girl leaving her family for the first time. Personally, I think the choice should be a no brainer, in that 18 year olds are still too young to be separating too much from the family, but ultimately, I think it is their choice to make. I am happy that my second girl decided to stay close to us.
8
Thank you so much Laurie for this beautiful article. When we dropped off our oldest son , we were thrilled to see him off to start his new adventure. It was our youngest son who was very sad to see his brother leave. Six years later we dropped off our youngest son at school, settled him in his dorm and then we took off on vacation. To this day he reminds us of this episode in his life. What I loved most in this article was your writing about your Dad. As you said, not perfect but was there for you. A flood of memories came back to me of my Dad, he was always there for me.
8
The kid couldn't drive himself? He's eighteen presumably, but still needs his hand held? My peer group were gone from home the moment high school ended, and when college started a couple of months later no self-respecting guy showed up with Mom and Dad in tow! Times have changed and eighteen-year olds have regressed, so it seems.
9
Drive how exactly?? You can't rent a car or van today when you are 18 and one way drop off is prohibitively expensive in any event. Yes times change. As they always do.
We love college drop off. Parents who don't should drop and run.
We love college drop off. Parents who don't should drop and run.
Bam! Good stuff in the writing and, I presume, in the gummies.
Floating across the American landscape, free momentarily from the awesome drag of memory and the insistent contemplation of a future sometimes as empty as planets sweeping around a distant unknown sun, what more could you ask for? Life is little more than a collection of moments from which happiness or bare contentment is dragged, opening the heart to strive once more for other moments and whatever they might bring.
The first 20 years or so of my own life seemed to be a collection of partings, hellos followed by goodbyes and then off into an unknown and unknowable silence without those who might give and receive the simplest of loves, that of family. I remember one time leaving my father to his work in Cumberland, Md. while we three boys and our mom went off to Texas for six weeks, a near eternity in the mind of a child. Nine or so at the time, I cried like a baby. He, a man and filled with the rough stoicism of hard work, turned away before we were out of sight and went about his business, dropping off the end of my world like a comet into the sea.
When I went off to college, I went alone. I packed whatever I thought I needed in an undependable car and drove more than 1,300 miles to begin my (mis)adventure. By then, the mixture of excitement and the hope that I was truly starting my own life helped to bury some of the ache of parting, but the sadness of leaving again and again still resonates in my heart.
5
The most interesting observation from a human perspective was the surprise shown by the author towards the men that she had supposedly known so well throughout her life.
Of her ex, she seems surprised to learn that instead of being the childish imp that she left many years ago, he is, like her, "sad and stressed" -- and that much more relatable as a result.
Of her son, she tells us that his behavior outright "shocks" her -- she did not expect him to be as vulnerable -- or still as emotionally tied up -- as she finds herself as a parent.
Of her elderly father, she is surprised by the equanimity he displays towards her ex he receives the "unwelcome hug" at the airport -- proof to her that father, imperfect though he might be, is still a bigger man and does not need to make a scene on account of satisfying his own ego.
Of herself, she learns that she is still very much a child -- and even though now fully grown, the final taste of comfort in the protection of her father reaffirms her belief in his unconditional love for her, gummy bears and all.
A fitting denouement to this short story will be her own discovery about the man that her son ends up becoming; she left him as a young boy in Colorado, but it is clear that each man in her life surprised her with their growth and maturity, despite their personal flaws.
What she learns about herself is almost certainly instructive for the rest of us as well. A brilliantly introspective essay.
Of her ex, she seems surprised to learn that instead of being the childish imp that she left many years ago, he is, like her, "sad and stressed" -- and that much more relatable as a result.
Of her son, she tells us that his behavior outright "shocks" her -- she did not expect him to be as vulnerable -- or still as emotionally tied up -- as she finds herself as a parent.
Of her elderly father, she is surprised by the equanimity he displays towards her ex he receives the "unwelcome hug" at the airport -- proof to her that father, imperfect though he might be, is still a bigger man and does not need to make a scene on account of satisfying his own ego.
Of herself, she learns that she is still very much a child -- and even though now fully grown, the final taste of comfort in the protection of her father reaffirms her belief in his unconditional love for her, gummy bears and all.
A fitting denouement to this short story will be her own discovery about the man that her son ends up becoming; she left him as a young boy in Colorado, but it is clear that each man in her life surprised her with their growth and maturity, despite their personal flaws.
What she learns about herself is almost certainly instructive for the rest of us as well. A brilliantly introspective essay.
37
I would say self absorbed more than anything else...
4
Beautiful story.
15
After over three decades of parenthood, I am spending my first weekend as an empty-nester. Now I'm in my first hurricane. Which will be easy-peasy compared to those 30 years.
28
Has I read the article, I hear my seventeen year old in the kitchen happily chatting with the nice girl he met recently. They are going out to a farewell reunion for a friend who is leaving for college soon. The thought of not having him around in a year already hurts. I struggle with the decision we are facing soon: should he go far, or stay close by? We are lucky we have those choices. My friends ask: isn't that his decision? And I think: Isn't it our decision as a family?
Will he really gain so much by going far away? How do I know that what he gains justifies the lost moments with mom, dad, grandparents?
I read all the responses, all the stories of separation and I ask myself: is this really necessary? I don't find a clear answer.
Wonderful article, I'm walking to the kitchen and giving him a hug!
Will he really gain so much by going far away? How do I know that what he gains justifies the lost moments with mom, dad, grandparents?
I read all the responses, all the stories of separation and I ask myself: is this really necessary? I don't find a clear answer.
Wonderful article, I'm walking to the kitchen and giving him a hug!
7
It should be his decision, yes. This is his first act as an adult.
3
My wife was told by her parents where she was going to college because they thought they knew best. She had no choice and no input. They didn't have a clue and she was miserable there. But she sticks to things and finishes them. And when then offered her a fine stipend and fellowship for grad school she took it and finished her PhD there because it was the responsible thing todo. But she missed out on the warm, wonderful college experience I had, my brothers had, and our son and my nieces and nephew had. Yes, it was a fine school, now in the top 15 or 20, but we swore we'd never do that to our kids.
2
I stayed in my hometown for college, but joined the Peace Corps after graduation. I'm not sure if having the buffer of four years of me being semi-independent really blunted the experience of that moment when I stepped into the passengers only bit of the airport for any of us-- there's no "I'll be back for Thanksgiving" to make anyone feel calmer when you're headed for a country 12 timezones away.
7
Beautifully written! Thank you.
7
Very interesting read, being an upperclassmen college student helping new kids through orientation now. I appreciate your perspective and your truly evocative writing.
8
Colorado State, like most universities, has plenty of resources to help kids (and yours is one) adjust to this multidimensional change. Your biggest favor is to make sure he's aware of academic and other forms of counseling, his rights if he's in the wrong dorm environment (although on-campus housing is right for kids), etc.; universities really want students to succeed. CSU is a dynamic place with lots of academic, cultural and recreational choices, and the town is big enough for things to do and small enough not to overwhelm a kid not from a big urban area. Best of luck to him.
4
In hindsight, it shouldn't have been my kids leaving for college that was sad, after all, they were home for plenty of holidays and school breaks. The days I should have cried, but was too confused to, were the days they moved across the country for good jobs. This situation is mighty permanent, and mighty sad.
25
Perhaps the most thoughtful post of all on this article. You will feel this most acutely, trust me, when the grandkids arrive. But you cant always have it all, especially if your kids have an unusual career, or enter a very crowded lane , or you kids grew up/you reside in small town/minor city with limited employment potential. In the end, like friends, dates etc, your kid gets to make the decision, but that doesnt mean you can't influence it. Strive to make your relationships so positive, helpful and sustaining that your kid has to have a REALLY good reason to go far away from school, try to mitigate the "damage" by discouraging gratuitously distant colleges (seriously, is Portland State that much better than Binghamton, Stanford that much better than Princeton ?) and its always fair to bring up total costs including travel/plane fares. And encourage more proximate colleges. And if they do go far away for college try to steer them toward a school that matriculates a national student body or the odds are very high they will only date , and marry, "Townies" who are locked in socially and emotionally to that distant venue. And you are not out of The woods if grad school beckons , and this usually presents fewer options for kids -branding is even more important at grad school, and greater risk to have apply very widely. You can always bribe them if you have the resources (he, if your school is Shing car driving distances, Ill buy you car, but into if you are cross country !
1
A year ago my ex, my husband, & I all took our daughter to college, six hours away. She had been excited about going to college in a big city for a good two years at that point. During the afternoon we suggested several times that we should take off as we had a long drive, but my daughter kept asking us to stay a little longer. Finally, we had to leave as the first years were all being whisked off to their orientation activities. I gave my daughter one last hug & she promptly burst into tears on my shoulder, saying, "I don't want you to leave me here w/just my peers!"
28
Thanks Laurie for this sweet piece about letting go.........very well done.
12
My divorced parents drove me to college. Mom made my bed. Dad couldn't understand how I could live in my hovel of a from room. I kissed and hugged them good bye. Off they went. Oil and water. Dad had to drive because mom drove too slow. 3 hour drive back to my home town. Dad got 2 speeding tickets within 3 hours. Mom got a great memory. I got an education and a future.
146
I didn't know what to expect from the headline, but this was a beautifully written and unexpectedly emotional read. Thank you Ms. Lindeen!
21
Reading this I found myself alternating between being depressed and sad. So your child is off to college and its hard and that's important to us because...? De trop as the French say.
1
No it isn't important. Certaonly not in the threat of nuclear war sense. But neither is the arts section, the real estate section, the travel section, the book review, any number of op eds or opinion pieces, the sports pages or the wedding announcements. But we dont just read important things. Sometimes, a thoughtful, well written piece on a life affecting many Americans, and NYT readers, this time of year is enough.
70
I'm a Manhattanite of French origin and neither I- nor anyone in my family- would ever say, or even think "de trop" par rapport cet article.
Rather, we would opine that Ms. Mellow (irony of name?) se plante. Gravement.
Thank you for a beautiful, touching essay, Ms. Lindeen.
Rather, we would opine that Ms. Mellow (irony of name?) se plante. Gravement.
Thank you for a beautiful, touching essay, Ms. Lindeen.
4
There are over a hundred comments already. Apparently it IS important to a number of people.
9
Just dropped off my daughter last week. It is a emotionally charged time especially if it is your first or only child. Loved the article and how it captured the emotion. Nice job, Laurie.
18
We have six kids. The third is Johnny. My wife just delivered him across country to his college and flew back last night. No point to make, just sharing.
7
Having taken three to college, made their beds, hugged, and driven away, my seasoned advice: bring a big, concealing pair of sunglasses....and remember, they'll be back.
17
Yes, that's just how it happens. We did it with our only daughter 14 years ago, heading east to upstate NY from Minneapolis. The pit in my stomach that made itself known as we drove away from her dorm has never completely gone away, and it harkened back to how I felt when my parents left for the two-hour drive home from my college campus when they dropped me off for the first time. That one turns out to be the leavetaking that really counts, because home is never quite home in the same way after that journey. You leave home the child you were, but when you return you're not that same child and never can be again. It's the way it's supposed to be, but hardly anyone is prepared for it when it happens. I would have been happy for a few of those gummi bears.
27
She is a talented writer and of course I read the piece to the end. Nevertheless, there is not a strong point in the story. It was disappointing to me.
3
Mom, Dad, younger brother said a tearful goodbye to our daughter a few years back. It was pouring rain, my daughter stepped back from the hug and said "Mom, your blouse is see-through when it's wet," and disappeared into an orientation meeting.
Except the rental car key would not work in the rain, and with a cross country flight to catch, we frantically called the rental car company and were told to leave the car where it was. Sadly, we had stopped in the middle of the drop off loop (absolutely NO parking) at the college's student union. Our daughter reported that it was still there two days later.
Except the rental car key would not work in the rain, and with a cross country flight to catch, we frantically called the rental car company and were told to leave the car where it was. Sadly, we had stopped in the middle of the drop off loop (absolutely NO parking) at the college's student union. Our daughter reported that it was still there two days later.
9
So real. Yanked me right back to the bittersweet trip with my ex to drop off our youngest at college. Even to the cigarettes (no infused gummy bears back then). It was also our final act as a couple, because we had stayed together the last few years until our son fledged the nest. Saying goodby to the last child was hard, but significantly mitigated by my impending freedom from a very difficult man.
65
This hit home. As it happens, I just dropped my daughter off in Fort Collins. Thank you for this.
8
Delightfully written. Though things are not as modern here in Kerala, India, my wife and I had experienced a similar event when our son joined a college for engineering. He had stayed with us his entire student life and this was the first time we are separated.
My wife was apprehensive about him getting around alone and she wanted to move with him. But I coerced her to change that decision. Every child has to someday live on his own and college was the best place to start it.
Now, he visits us on weekends and shares with us the events that happened the past week. I surely know that this weekly visits and narrations will stop once the curriculum demands more time.
My wife was apprehensive about him getting around alone and she wanted to move with him. But I coerced her to change that decision. Every child has to someday live on his own and college was the best place to start it.
Now, he visits us on weekends and shares with us the events that happened the past week. I surely know that this weekly visits and narrations will stop once the curriculum demands more time.
4
Nice story from a parent's point of view. Just to remind you of the other side, when my parents -- still married, so no familial stress there -- dropped me off at college, and the door closed, and I was finally alone, on my own.... The very first thing that popped into my head was "No one's looking." My parents were not even back to the car as I opened the course catalog and promptly changed everything they, relatives, friends, my teachers, the interviewers who approved my scholarship, everyone expected me to study. I'd lied to them all. And promptly did exactly as I uselessly pleased and never looked back. Of course, that was Berkeley in '74. These days, you'll be lucky if your kid is not back home in four years, living unemployed on your living room couch. My college girlfriend is stuck with hers, even after grad school. So don't look at it as an "empty nest." Enjoy it as a temporary reprieve.
12
Hey RRI in OB - I arrived alone at Stanford in ´73 - when we graduated there were not so many jobs. There was just no way I could go to my former home, that was clear to me and was made clear by my divorced parents. I survived. Thrived at times and at times struggled just like anybody else. Not sure what all this over-dependence is about, luckily I see lots of young people internationally & in the US who accept adulthood with a sigh of relief, shoulder the challenges with the crazy energy one has at that age.
1
Took my daughter (only child) to college with my ex for the second time 2 weeks ago. First time was 2 years ago and she went to a college in another state but she returned home just 2 months later. This time, she is in our state, but the northern part - so just an airplane ride away. Hoping this time it sticks! Ms. Lindeen's story is wonderful and touching.
3
Welcome to Fort Collins!
4
Is your mother still alive? You didn't mention her.
1
As a staff member of the New Student's Program at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst in the 1970s, it is amazing to me, now of grandparenting age, how familiar and unchanging these tales are. In parent discussion groups we always asked the folks who was a first timer and who was sending their 2nd or later off to college.. The staff seldom had to say much in the meeting if there was a "pro" there. Carry on, folks!
3
Wonderful piece brought back memories of the first son drop off, horrible, second son moving down south, horrible, but you have to laugh and then one day they are wonderful men with delightful families. Thanks for the memories Laurie, we used booze instead of gummies.
5
Emotional.
Excited.
Wistful.
Stunned.
Confused.
Sad.
Happy.
Proud.
Empty.
Envious.
Excited.
Wistful.
Stunned.
Confused.
Sad.
Happy.
Proud.
Empty.
Envious.
7
Mind numbing drive across Nebraska? Hey now! Those are my people.
5
On Wednesday we drove 10 hours to Memphis, unpacked the van, set up his room that night, and then our freshman son slept in his dorm room for the first night as we retreated to a nearby hotel. The next morning we hung a few things on the wall, took him out for breakfast, and then drove 10 hours home. I told my wife, "I'm not texting him until he texts me, but you do whatever you wish." As drove from Illinois into Wisconsin, our son relayed the events of the first of many wonderful days as a college student to us as my wife held up her phone and put him on speaker so that our other son and I could listen. It was magical to hear him talk about people he met, things he did, what he was thinking, etc. As we fell into bed exhausted, I turned to her and said, "That was as good as we possibly could have hoped for," and she smiled. One down, one to go. I'm now a veteran.
150
Great piece, Laurie Lindeen. Reading it, one feels every bump of the ride. Thanks for sharing.
6
Pretty decent, as we might say up north.
4
Just over 24 hours ago. We were barely out of the car at the dorm Drop Off Zone when students, abuzz with excitement, swarmed and greeted my son with giant smiles, oozing potential and promise.
I promptly burst into tears. I didn't think anyone could love my son more than his father and I. But in an instant, I knew I was wrong. In the next four years, he will find our replacements. He will find his tribe and continue to fashion a life for which I hope we've prepared him well.
Your final paragraph returned me to 1980 where I'm smoking a cig with my parents who promise they won't see me until graduation because my college is in a flyover state. I thought they were being snarky, east coast snobs. Now I think it was just emotional armor.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience.
I promptly burst into tears. I didn't think anyone could love my son more than his father and I. But in an instant, I knew I was wrong. In the next four years, he will find our replacements. He will find his tribe and continue to fashion a life for which I hope we've prepared him well.
Your final paragraph returned me to 1980 where I'm smoking a cig with my parents who promise they won't see me until graduation because my college is in a flyover state. I thought they were being snarky, east coast snobs. Now I think it was just emotional armor.
Thank you so much for sharing this experience.
10
Great piece. We dropped off our freshman Tuesday - in-state, only 2 hours away, no legal recreational marijuana nearby and no parents whose music was a big part of college a generation ago.
The big shock -- that the digital revolution that has put entire industries out of business has done absolutely nothing to lower the outrageous prices of text books. STILL a huge ripoff.
The big shock -- that the digital revolution that has put entire industries out of business has done absolutely nothing to lower the outrageous prices of text books. STILL a huge ripoff.
7
Wow, lovely. Really touching. I have been there. Life does move on and develop new dimensions.
6
Thought this was such a beautiful article. I read this as my kids are playing in the backyard after their 1st week back in school and definitely hit a nerve.
4
I went off to college in 1966. I got on an airplane, and flew down to Berkeley, Cal. I stayed in a fleabag hotel with a bare bulb and a hot plate, while I went through frat rush to find a place to live. I was real homesick for a few days. I found some great guys and had the great college experience.
By the way, my parents were great people. It would never have occurred to them or me have them drive me down to be dropped off at college.
We've graduated 5 kids from college, and 2 grandkids have graduated from college themselves. Three more will be in college this fall.
These strange emotional crosscountry trips to take grown kids to college are, well, ridiculous. Or, at least, really overwrought.
By the way, my parents were great people. It would never have occurred to them or me have them drive me down to be dropped off at college.
We've graduated 5 kids from college, and 2 grandkids have graduated from college themselves. Three more will be in college this fall.
These strange emotional crosscountry trips to take grown kids to college are, well, ridiculous. Or, at least, really overwrought.
13
I wouldn't say that these trips are ridiculous. Seem to be nice tradition in the U.S. I grew up in Scandinavia and we don't have this. Kids just leave. Although distances are much shorter so we saw our parents every month, even if you were on the other side of the country.
2
Maybe not ridiculous, but definitely overwrought. These are intense, white collar professional, lefty liberal "helicopter" parents. They have a lot of trouble letting go, because they designed and raised their kids to be their "besties" and not independent, self-actualized adults. Also, the parents have sublimated their entire lives for the past 18 years molding these little paragons of perfection. They are overly vested, and have often not maintained their personal interests, friendships, even marriages in favor of the "special snowflake".
Wonderful!
4
I was driving my daughter to college when Nanci Griffith's 'Turn Around' played on my IPod.
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young girl
Going out of the door.
We both broke into tears.
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young girl
Going out of the door.
We both broke into tears.
5
The drive to Fort Collins to drop off our daughter last year was only about an hour for my ex and me, and mabe because of that the break didn't feel that sharp. One of the things I didn't expect is how much she still wanted our help her first year, especially after moving out of the dorms this summer. How to do things like get a credit rating, do meal planning, clean a toilet, and diagnose a dishwasher problem are still pretty new to an 18 year old (at least ours), and she still seems to welcome an exchange of life experience for good playlists.
1
You be me for a while, and I'll be you.
8
Well, that made me cry.
2
I surprised myself with a lump in my throat after reading this article. Shared with my sister and husband. There was something about the re-creation of the moments with her son, ex and dad - how she explored all she is and has been in a single road trip. Such a good, well-written article that gave me pause. Thank you.
14
When my wife and I took our 18 year old out to college, as the new freshman were having the standard parade they do at every school, he broke out of line to hug his mom and me, the only one to do so. Yet when it came time later to say good-bye, he was ready for us to go. He was eager to start his new life! It hurt, a little, and as we walked back to get the rental and return to the airport, we both were a little teary.
But when we sent him across the country a few weeks ago to graduate school, he was a little teary as well. We all spent the summer together for the first time in years, and probably the last time, ever, as his summers will be full with internships and then a career. He and his younger brother had some real quality time. And the whole family just enjoyed being together, both at home, and at our vacation home. It was wonderful, but sending him off was different, as he's not a boy just become a man at 18, but an independent man of 22. Still, we all knew this is a point of change as well, a kind of ending, so we are were a little sad, even if happy for him.
But nothing stops time, and life must progress, and children must grow up and move out into the world. And that's the way of life.
But when we sent him across the country a few weeks ago to graduate school, he was a little teary as well. We all spent the summer together for the first time in years, and probably the last time, ever, as his summers will be full with internships and then a career. He and his younger brother had some real quality time. And the whole family just enjoyed being together, both at home, and at our vacation home. It was wonderful, but sending him off was different, as he's not a boy just become a man at 18, but an independent man of 22. Still, we all knew this is a point of change as well, a kind of ending, so we are were a little sad, even if happy for him.
But nothing stops time, and life must progress, and children must grow up and move out into the world. And that's the way of life.
111
dadof2,
Call me naive, but is it the way of life for child to leave home
and barely see their family again - at age 18 ?
Might have done your son, you and his Mom, and his younger brother
a great deal of good to stay around for a while and experience what
family life is like when you are no longer a child and what the world is like
outside of Academia.
Call me naive, but is it the way of life for child to leave home
and barely see their family again - at age 18 ?
Might have done your son, you and his Mom, and his younger brother
a great deal of good to stay around for a while and experience what
family life is like when you are no longer a child and what the world is like
outside of Academia.
1
Good story. I've been there myself - twice. You tell it well.
6
What a nice story, and how beautifully told! May I steal your memories?
7
This was such a great read- I am also divorced, navigating the emptying nest with an ex who is cut from the very same cloth. I really enjoyed the multi-generational aspects, too. Complicated times, but the transition is the same.
9
When my daughter left for college, I had some of these feelings, but she wasn't going far, and I saw her fairly frequently. When graduated, and got a real job....THAT was when it felt like everything had truly changed.
I agree with the other posters, though, who noted that though there's some sadness, this is the path you want for your kids. The alternative having one home in your basement, directionless....well you certainly don't want to pay that price to keep them around.
I agree with the other posters, though, who noted that though there's some sadness, this is the path you want for your kids. The alternative having one home in your basement, directionless....well you certainly don't want to pay that price to keep them around.
8
This is great. That is all. Oh, and thank you for writing and sharing.
5
So easy, so happy. My son is ready for this next stage. The funny thing is that a good friend of his from camp (the greatest experience ever for my son) was randomly assigned to be his roommate! Although they toyed with the idea of rooming together, in the end they decided to chance the lottery, how funny that their school put them together. I have never cried when my kids went off to college, I was only happy for them. Although I miss the past, I embrace the future--it's like being newlyweds again!
5
Saying good by to the kids is hard and sad. However, think how much sadder the alternative would be: our kids NOT going to college for lack of resources, illness, or other untoward/terrible circumstances.
60
With a 17-year-old taking standardized tests tomorrow and with less than a year before we will likely embark on our family's version of the author's journey, I am wiping away tears and sniffles.
My tears represent the anxiety of letting go bit-by-bit as well as the joy of anticipation for my child's future. They also reflect my dismay that, in these divisive times, some of our leaders would denigrate the value of higher education rather than making it an attainable and affordable option for as many of our nation's children as possible. They finally reflect my gratitude to my own parents for always emphasizing that the most important tools they could provide us were a love of learning and the best educational opportunities they could muster and for their affording us the opportunity to pass on these same values to the next generation.
My tears represent the anxiety of letting go bit-by-bit as well as the joy of anticipation for my child's future. They also reflect my dismay that, in these divisive times, some of our leaders would denigrate the value of higher education rather than making it an attainable and affordable option for as many of our nation's children as possible. They finally reflect my gratitude to my own parents for always emphasizing that the most important tools they could provide us were a love of learning and the best educational opportunities they could muster and for their affording us the opportunity to pass on these same values to the next generation.
14
Lovely, humorous, and poignant essay. The author nailed it on all three fronts! I smiled at the condom scene. Last year, at Target I bought my younger son a box of Trojans and asked him if he wanted the "optimistic" size box. My message to the author: rest assured, the nest doesn't stay empty for long. They come home for summer internships and/or jobs, and it is wonderful to see them grow each year. (And it sounds like your son has already surpassed his dad in emotional maturity- there is a similar dynamic in my family). No matter what, our kids are still our kids for the rest of one's life. Someday they'll be caring for us.
10
My granddaughter is being dropped off this weekend as we speak. I am an emotional wreck (waves of up and down) just recalling my daughter's college years. Like this author, I too was divorced from my daughter's father and he believed that he and his wife and their "cruise-ship, vacation couple buddies were the reason for all celebration and he ran the show.
My husband and my daughter's son were not invited to graduation parties at the hotel and restaurants in college town. My daughter had to wave to us as she was hearded off because their dinner reservation was running tight.
I am helping to support my granddaughters college experience in a generous fashion and once again I have been slighted - the "real family grandparents" were invited to go to orientation weekend and dorm shopping (I just gave my daughter checks for shopping) and now they are loading up the wagon for this weekend.
I can assure you that I did not fall off the truck and I am laying down to be walked over this time. I am a handsomely paid prestigious professional with a long accomplished career and I will fly down and crash whatever gathering is taking place and take my granddaughter to Europe each summer for a break in Paris. My how things change.
My husband and my daughter's son were not invited to graduation parties at the hotel and restaurants in college town. My daughter had to wave to us as she was hearded off because their dinner reservation was running tight.
I am helping to support my granddaughters college experience in a generous fashion and once again I have been slighted - the "real family grandparents" were invited to go to orientation weekend and dorm shopping (I just gave my daughter checks for shopping) and now they are loading up the wagon for this weekend.
I can assure you that I did not fall off the truck and I am laying down to be walked over this time. I am a handsomely paid prestigious professional with a long accomplished career and I will fly down and crash whatever gathering is taking place and take my granddaughter to Europe each summer for a break in Paris. My how things change.
9
Forgive me. My second paragraph should have read "my husband and my daughter's BROTHER were not invited ...
5
We dropped our oldest son off at college on Wednesday. It was not too far away unlike the trek my parents made with me when I left for school many years before. I was hoping I would not fall apart in front of my son, when it struck me that this was my 18 year dream come true--my treasured child was off to his chosen program in a great school. It was what I had hoped we could help him achieve from the time he was born. He had made it to college because of his hard work and for that I was grateful and happy even though I knew I would miss him.
10
I have read these stories about taking offspring to college for past twenty years and continue to wonder why my husband and I shared our daughter's excitement when she was dropped off at the university she wanted to attend. We had no tears or sadness on the five and half hour drive home - just happy recollections of our thrill of independence when we arrived at college (via Greyhound bus!). She flourished from day one.
11
I think you answered your own question: )
4
I always knew it would be hard. I have twins. The day I dropped them off at kindergarten my best friend asked me if I cried and I said, honestly, "No." But I was keenly aware that I only had 13 years left with them and I'd be leaping into an empty nest. There would be no easing into it.
So a few weeks ago we dropped my son off at Colorado College. He started early because he was invited to attend a special program for certain scholarship recipients & other students. We had an evening meal with all the scholars & their families, then a counselor gave the final speech of the evening. All I can say is, I think he must be a pastor in his second job. He spoke about how it wasn't "good-bye" but "see ya later" and how much our kids were going to change over the next four years. Somehow I kept it together and said "see ya later" to my son without losing it, but even now just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes.
In a few weeks we do it all over again with my daughter. We drive her out to Stanford and will have to say "see ya later" to her, knowing she's so much farther away from us than she's ever been before. That's going to be hard, too.
So a few weeks ago we dropped my son off at Colorado College. He started early because he was invited to attend a special program for certain scholarship recipients & other students. We had an evening meal with all the scholars & their families, then a counselor gave the final speech of the evening. All I can say is, I think he must be a pastor in his second job. He spoke about how it wasn't "good-bye" but "see ya later" and how much our kids were going to change over the next four years. Somehow I kept it together and said "see ya later" to my son without losing it, but even now just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes.
In a few weeks we do it all over again with my daughter. We drive her out to Stanford and will have to say "see ya later" to her, knowing she's so much farther away from us than she's ever been before. That's going to be hard, too.
20
C'mon. He's 18, an adult. Sure it's a big life step, but when I dropped my kids off at college I could only feel excitement for them. Took them about a week to adjust. Just wait until he comes home at Christmas break - he'll know more about life than you ever will (or so he will think!).
20
Very nice. Congratulations AND condolences. And I have to laugh--have parts of this same story in my family past: sharing school/parent events with my ex on a more or less cordial basis; driving son to Colorado College (and he now still lives in CO--be warned that they often don't leave!); doing some Colorado pot tourism (also gummies) while visiting son; and flying people in and out of Denver to help with the drive one way or the other. It flies by in a flash, and then you'll be spending a three-day weekend at graduation with the ex (which might require more pot tourism). You captured it so nicely!
11
Warning to readers: The gummies can't be taken across the state line! And especially not to the airport.
There are stories of the Nebraska highway patrol stopping cars for searches (to be sure, there has to be some reason to stop, mostly young male drivers!).
There are stories of the Nebraska highway patrol stopping cars for searches (to be sure, there has to be some reason to stop, mostly young male drivers!).
1
Just dropped my eldest off at college for the first time. I was utterly unprepared for how heart wrenching it would be.
56
Thanks for a lovely piece. We bring our oldest, our (only) daughter, on Friday. I have been tearing up at least occasionally throughout the summer - I am not sure yet what Friday will bring. To cope, I have been trying to focus more on how exciting this all is for her, rather than how lonely I will be. And tell myself, it is all as it should be (if she WASN'T able to attend college, that would be far more troubling). So, that approach works at least some of the time for me.
You mentioned replaying your son's childhood - I know I will do that in time, but if I do it now I fear I will start crying and perhaps never stop.
You mentioned replaying your son's childhood - I know I will do that in time, but if I do it now I fear I will start crying and perhaps never stop.
75
I would say cry if you must, it's ok, but don't grieve because there's nothing to grieve about, it's the way of the world.
Grieving is for the bad and horrible things that happen, which we hope and pray we taught our kids to be wise and wary of. It's not for the loss of childhood and growing up.
Grieving is for the bad and horrible things that happen, which we hope and pray we taught our kids to be wise and wary of. It's not for the loss of childhood and growing up.
2
Lovely, sweet and sad. Our tangled collection of personal historical complications always seem to bubble to the surface at these life milestones.
16
I am always fascinated with people that are repulsed\irritated by smokers around them, but then partake.
Anyways, I sympathize with a kindred spirit. I am roughly the same age, have children nearing that age for college, and have many a memory of flawed parent(s). ( especially the part where several times we drove from coast to coast across Canada, all the while they chain smoked in the front and I huddled as close to floor in the back )
I want to thank you for the cathartic little essay, and allowing us into your thoughts and feelings. I am sure commendation is in order for your patience as well. ( offering a virtual hug from a stranger )
Getting them to college is no easy battle. I am sure there were plenty of sacrifices along the way. You did good lass.
Anyways, I sympathize with a kindred spirit. I am roughly the same age, have children nearing that age for college, and have many a memory of flawed parent(s). ( especially the part where several times we drove from coast to coast across Canada, all the while they chain smoked in the front and I huddled as close to floor in the back )
I want to thank you for the cathartic little essay, and allowing us into your thoughts and feelings. I am sure commendation is in order for your patience as well. ( offering a virtual hug from a stranger )
Getting them to college is no easy battle. I am sure there were plenty of sacrifices along the way. You did good lass.
22
Anything unexpectedly difficult about a college drop off experience? Well, it was not my own child, it was my nephew whom my parents and I were dropping off a few years ago at a university one state away (his parents are on the other side of the country and, due to unfortunate extenuating circumstances, were not able to make that voyage). My nephew had so many odds against him in life and yet persevered to make this education possible. It was such an emotional moment for him to be there, and I wanted to find the right words for this achievement. And, abruptly, an upper classman (he must have been at least fifteen years younger than me and not accustomed to tact), overseeing the freshman welcome, very unceremoniously cut in and announced that we had a choice of two locations to say goodbye, just like that. Of course I held my tongue and complied (and didn't get the private family words, either), but I fantasized about telling that guy off the whole ride home!
3
Oldest left for college in 2015, our youngest, just 3 weeks ago. My wife and I have now transitioned to empty-nester status. If i had to describe it in one word...it would be - "QUIET". The house is simply quiet. Every noise in the house is now more pronounced. The good news is that the kids will be home again soon and, while we'll be ecstatic to have them home, we may long for some quiet.
8
I have cried three times in my adult life. When my father died, when my mother died, and when my oldest got on the bus for kindergarten.
62
what does that have to do with a college drop-off?
Watching them get on the bus for kindergarten is harder than the college trip.
4
facing this in the not too distant future, I must say that I would be teary but okay if I were facing an empty nest if my child's father was alive. in my head I had us dropping her off at college and getting on a plane for a nice long vacation. but I never expected to be doing it alone. it will kill me but I do intent to let her go - far away from home. I would be doing her no favors in life by keeping her close.
55
I did college admission work for years. I was surprised year after year at how many students wanted to stay close to home. Each kid had a different reason, but they were all good. Yours is lucky. If she decides to go far far away, you'll support that choice. In either case, I'm sorry you're doing this alone.
5
What a touching narrative about the bonds of parenting. Your tenderness for your son mirrored your father's care for you.
And for whatever conflicts you and your father experienced - as all mere mortals are apt to - you also shared a moment of affinity as parents.
Best of luck to Johny in college and beyond. He is fortunate to have parents who love him and were determined to be there for him on this momentous occasion.
And for whatever conflicts you and your father experienced - as all mere mortals are apt to - you also shared a moment of affinity as parents.
Best of luck to Johny in college and beyond. He is fortunate to have parents who love him and were determined to be there for him on this momentous occasion.
33
Same experience dropping off our daughter at school. Felt like I was leaping into a void. Cried much of the way home.
19
Thank you.
7
I echo the thoughts already shared. Such a touching little story, and I can't quite figure out why it made me cry, too. Guess there was something touchingly honest, and that poignant combo of sad/happy, and a sense that we're all on some similar kind of trip, which drew in the reader. Made me miss my parents, both long gone, and being a young parent myself. My grandchildren are now teens and in a not so distant future, will be taken to college by their parents and so it goes. And so it goes. Thank you so much for your tender story.
20
Well communicated, Ms. Lindeen. I was especially appreciative of the realization that "Rebels don't ask."
Your son is well, held gently in the hands of Life.
Your son is well, held gently in the hands of Life.
11
First girl I ever really fell in love with was when we were streaking at CSU. Wonder if they still have streaking........ Trip would never have happened for me. Anyone lights a cigarette in my car, the car stops, the door opens and the person gets out.
2
I've done it with two daughters. I'll never forget the oldest as she walked down the sidewalk away from me in Lawrence, Kansas never looking back. Got to let those little birdies fly, mom. What's wrong with pancakes slathered in whipped cream and strawberries ? Surely you weren't micromanaging his diet right up until Fort Collins.
9
Entertaining and touching article. But please tell us you did not cross Colorado borders with those gummy bears. Don't get in trouble right after you dropped your kid off to college.
7
love
6
I'm 5 days away from my own cross country drive with my only son... It's good to see one can survive this dreadful moment...
9
Very sweet!
3
I loved this....thank you.
5
The trick is to remember the times they were such brats and just be grateful they are finally out of the house. Oh, and don't worry, there is every chance they will be back after graduation...
7
On my drive half way home of a five hour drive, my son called me sounding lost and confused after I dropped him off on campus his first day of college. When I asked him if he wanted me to come back and get him, he said, "No, this is something I have to do on my own." I was never so proud of him. Four years later when I flew with him to London for grad school, he was ready to navigate the underground and the British museum himself.
36
"I was never so proud of him. Four years later when I flew with him to London for grad school, he was ready to navigate the underground and the British museum himself."
I would hope so after 4 years of what was, most likely, an expensive education!
I would hope so after 4 years of what was, most likely, an expensive education!
3
I remember it
4
"That was a lot harder than I thought it would be."
Yes, this. Perhaps because my oldest has always been so independent I was somehow unprepared for how emotional it was to let go when the moment came last week. I wish that I had had some gummies for the 1800 mile drive home.
Lovely writing. Thank you for this.
Yes, this. Perhaps because my oldest has always been so independent I was somehow unprepared for how emotional it was to let go when the moment came last week. I wish that I had had some gummies for the 1800 mile drive home.
Lovely writing. Thank you for this.
10
My God, this is sad. All the writer can do is talk about how people disappoint HER? She sounds like she disappointed her parents. And what is this weird ritual that parents are lately making the college thing into? For decades and decades, people have been going off to college. It's not sad. Parents should act as if it were a normal thing, as my parents did in the late 80s. Because it is. If you smother your kid, they will never grow up. Speaking of growing up- I'm so glad I moved out of Denver before the pot rush there. Marijuana gummy bears? Seriously?
8
Parents in the 80s no doubt had all the same feelings of excitement about their children's launch into independence plus nostalgia and wistfulness for the end of their childhood. Of course it's a normal thing, but that doesn't mean it's devoid of emotion. No need to be judgmental.
11
She used any form of the word "disappointed" once. You used it twice. That's "all she can talk about?" What's wrong with you, atb?
9
It's obvious, isnt it, the real theme of this story is that the parents have never grown up.
1
Thank you Ms. Lindeen. Your story made me wonder how many of the starry-eyed freshmen sitting in my courses last week had experienced what you so poignantly described.
7
For the times they are a-changin'. One more "notch" in the always challenging "parenting belt". You did beautifully. Thank you for sharing.
8
Sad but happy. The drive home with dad shows that saying ta ta for now to a college-bound child does not mean saying goodbye.
12
Thank who or whatever you still have a dad and a crying son ...... and some weed.
8
Thanks for this. My wife and I have dropped sons off at college as a married couple, but for our youngest we'll be doing it as divorced parents - I'm already apprehensive about it. Darn allergy this Friday afternoon...pass me a tissue!
9
I am 6, I am 16, I am 54 . . .
Your age is the hardest age
Everything drags and drags
You're looking funny
You ain't laughing, are you?
Your age is the hardest age
Everything drags and drags
You're looking funny
You ain't laughing, are you?
8
16 blue. perfect.
While it wasn't recent, it was memorable. And it was certainly more "cross country", as we were taking our daughter to Philly from Minneapolis. And, she was moving into an apartment, not a dorm, so she would be living on her own. When we finally left, after getting everything moved in (and after having the car towed), we were pretty sad to be leaving her there. We survived. She turned out great. Have confidence they will get through it.
4
This week, as I was leaving my youngest daughter's new dorm room she looked at me and said "Please don't cry." That was it. The flood gates opened and leaked the whole 4 hour flight home. Damn, I need to go get tissue.
9
As a childless bum happily without progeny my aimless life suddenly feels more meaningful or less daunting.
7
My son was born in raised in NYC and then insisted on going to college in rural Ohio which was a torture for is parents from first visit to last. (I don't think there was any message being given to us necessarily. I think he just liked the vibe of the place which was not all that visible to the casual visitor.)It was baffling but he thrived there and by the time graduation rolled around he moved right back to a big city. By the time kids turn 18 they pretty much know what they want. Then, as this article so beautifully recounts, its time for the parents to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives.
7
I'm married to the father of my children. Our older is on her own, our younger is about to leave for college. My parents are deceased, and just last night I was thinking how I wish my mom were still around to help me adjust to life in the empty nest.
Guess I should look into a dispensary too!
Guess I should look into a dispensary too!
9
Thank you Laurie. So happy I stumbled upon your wonderful piece.
7
Her memoir brought tears to my eyes. My husband flew to CA with my first son when he went to college 2000 miles away and I cried for a while as I watched the car drive away. But 3 years late when #2 went 20 miles away and we moved him into the dorm, I sobbed for 2 days.
5
Beautifully written!
Went through this emotional roller coster last year. This year we dropped our son at the airport and he went alone.
There is so much i want to tell him about life, but there is something about the way that the teenage brain is made, that very little gets in.
I read this snippet recently - " I'm at that age that just when i am realizing the wisdom of all that my father said, i have a son telling me i'm wrong "
Went through this emotional roller coster last year. This year we dropped our son at the airport and he went alone.
There is so much i want to tell him about life, but there is something about the way that the teenage brain is made, that very little gets in.
I read this snippet recently - " I'm at that age that just when i am realizing the wisdom of all that my father said, i have a son telling me i'm wrong "
22
Beautiful essay, thank you.
9
For those wondering, the "rock star" husband in question is Paul Westerberg of the legendary The Replacements.
70
My four children are grown.
It was tough leaving our first-born off at college. I thought it would be easier with his siblings. But it wasn't.
That's a beautiful essay. Thank you Ms. Lindeen.
It was tough leaving our first-born off at college. I thought it would be easier with his siblings. But it wasn't.
That's a beautiful essay. Thank you Ms. Lindeen.
11
Beautiful!
4
I've read so many of these college drop-off essays that just wallow in the maudlin. Thanks for printing one that recognizes the humor, perspective and sense of imminent adventure that can be found in this moment.
18
How beautiful. Just back from the same, with our youngest. Thank you!
3
This is a new chapter, but by no means the end of a parental journey.
8
Of dad, "like all of us, he is a flawed and wounded human being." Truer words never spoken.
Enjoyed the journey with you.
Enjoyed the journey with you.
20
Thank you. Beautiful description of humanity. I cried, I laughed. I sighed. I related. I participated in an unconventional college drop off last year -
accompanying my partner and her son off to freshman year of college. We didn't have gummies - but they would have been helpful!
accompanying my partner and her son off to freshman year of college. We didn't have gummies - but they would have been helpful!
7
I enjoyed both the writing and the fresh take on the dropping-the-kid-off-at-college-is-so-hard theme that has been crowding my facebook feed the past couple of falls. There was no facebook when my age group first started having babies, although the late child-bearers posted voraciously. I guess I'm an inveterate cynic, but they aren't going to the moon. Besides, they are going to text you all the time, anyway. You won't have to call and leave messages with their roommates every month or so to see how they are doing.
My parents drove me across state lines for that freshman drop off, but things were different then. There were no activities for parents, and no need to shoo them away, either. I did not hug my mother tearfully; I was thrilled to be starting my own life. My parents never said it was hard, although they still had two more at home.
They put them on planes.
My parents drove me across state lines for that freshman drop off, but things were different then. There were no activities for parents, and no need to shoo them away, either. I did not hug my mother tearfully; I was thrilled to be starting my own life. My parents never said it was hard, although they still had two more at home.
They put them on planes.
1
Very nice.
Poignant and beautiful.
A lot like life.
Poignant and beautiful.
A lot like life.
11
Thanks ao much for sharing what many of us will face with a sense of humor and love.
3
Beautiful.
4
Nice. Now I want to read your book.
2
I remember the night before we drove our homebody daughter to school 3 hours away. Was doing laundry and I heard her come down the stairs looking for me. Tears in her eyes. I put my arms around her.
"Daddy and I are going to miss you so much. But you are going to be fine. It will be strange at first, but in a couple of weeks you'll know you are where you belong." She nodded, sniffled, went back upstairs.
It didn't take a couple of weeks. She was OK long before I was. Gosh, memory lane. That was 12 years ago.
"Daddy and I are going to miss you so much. But you are going to be fine. It will be strange at first, but in a couple of weeks you'll know you are where you belong." She nodded, sniffled, went back upstairs.
It didn't take a couple of weeks. She was OK long before I was. Gosh, memory lane. That was 12 years ago.
18
After reading this essay, I look forward to Laurie Lindeen's book. How fortunate the passions of our early adulthood are not dimmed by the knowledge of what we will experience decades later! I compliment Ms. Lundeen on parenting a son willing to do just about anything to avoid driving across Nebraska. And I wonder if he appreciates that his mother was responsible enough to include condoms as a freshman necessity.
Laurie Lindeen took a common experience of parents sending children "Off to College" and turned it into a story about the importance of connections between flawed but loving people who show up when life calls. Thank you, Ms. Lindeen.
Laurie Lindeen took a common experience of parents sending children "Off to College" and turned it into a story about the importance of connections between flawed but loving people who show up when life calls. Thank you, Ms. Lindeen.
19
Very well written. Reading about your relationship with your son and with your dad, I felt an unwelcome constriction in my throat and had to go into freeze mode so as not to cry. My dad sobbed for a long time during my drop off. My mom was stern-faced and showed no emotion. When my turn comes, I think I might be like my mom and cry long and hard when the goodbyes are over with and I'm alone.
3
This 70-year-old father dropping off his 18-year-old son the other day (same college for both) was impressed by A) the sheer amount of stuff that today's freshmen bring along; and B) the helpful interventions of scores of smiling undergraduates dressed in T-shirts bearing the college crest. In 1964, the father had dragged a couple of canvas bags with everything he needed. In 2017, the son's must-haves filled a big car and he brought a lot less than almost everybody else. In 1964, there were no helpful undergraduates and nobody in his right mind would ever wear a shirt with the college name on it. Are you kidding?!
I say "in his right mind" because there were no women back then. Almost nobody but white guys, in fact. It's better now, much better, but maybe they could cut back on the stuff.
I say "in his right mind" because there were no women back then. Almost nobody but white guys, in fact. It's better now, much better, but maybe they could cut back on the stuff.
120
@Conn Nugent
You probably didn't have a mother stuffing condoms into your bag and lighting up a joint with your child-father. It will be interesting to trace the arc of these children of moral ambiguity and broken families. I am wagering it won't be a straight line; but, then again, everyone does it. So who cares?
You probably didn't have a mother stuffing condoms into your bag and lighting up a joint with your child-father. It will be interesting to trace the arc of these children of moral ambiguity and broken families. I am wagering it won't be a straight line; but, then again, everyone does it. So who cares?
3
Newly divorced, I am preparing to take my, soon to be 16, gifted musician, only child, daughter to start boarding school at Interlochen Arts Academy. Huge life transition, in all aspects. I thought that I was keeping all the emotions safely under wrap until I read your poignant story. She catches me crying and I confess that I will really miss her. My dad just called to say that he was sending money to help with the tuition. Life has so much to tell us, not all of which is fun or happy. But I cherish my parents and my child and all that life has to teach and at times it can be so hard.
77
Lisa, what a great opportunity for your children! My parents sent me to IAA (5 years) and it changed my life -- opened my eyes to knowledge, culture, science and art, that I could never have imagined! I learned so much, and I learned how to learn and how to think! It was the opportunity of a lifetime.
3
What a sweet story--made me cry in several spots.
10
Very ouch. Very well said. Very personal and individual. No wonder she is a published memoirist. Maybe she could be a counselor--or a screen writer! Grateful reader.
11
Maybe a little too personal. Her telling of the story trumps his privacy of these moments?
I hope their son finds some peace.
I hope their son finds some peace.
2
Cross Country? One whole state albeit a wide state and small parts of three other states is not cross country.
7
It is touching and oddly terrifying to know that my parents may be experiencing something similar when I am dropped off for college a year from now.
235
Bravo for your empathy. Have a wonderful 12th grade - dream big!
9
Thank you!
2
They will, and they'll survive. If you did the "Spring Break Tour" with your parents I hope someone said to you all what they said to my son and me as we neared the end of our tour that took us from North Carolina, to Illinois, to Tennesee:
"Parents and students: Are you still talking to each other?" Everyone looked at their kid or parent(s), rather shamefaced and laughed! It broke the ice and the tension and revealed a truth.
Good luck to you! I'm sure you'll do well!
"Parents and students: Are you still talking to each other?" Everyone looked at their kid or parent(s), rather shamefaced and laughed! It broke the ice and the tension and revealed a truth.
Good luck to you! I'm sure you'll do well!
1
My drive was only 7 hours but I can relate! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
5
That was really great! Well done.
11
Loved this! We're facing freshman drop-off of our oldest on Monday, and your piece really struck a chord with me. Left me teary-eyed. Thank you for sharing.
9
What a wonderful piece! How difficult it is to let a child fly from the nest after all those years of watchful rearing. But you capture the sadness and joy of parenting in all its permutations. Thank you.
20
Beautiful essay, mirroring my experience driving my daughter off last year ...
Everyone's specific situation is a little different (I was driving alone and I was not going back to an empty nest) but the anxiety is the same: a childhood that we vested so much energy and emotions a childhood that gave us a chance to relive our childhood and filled our lives so much is gone, is not around anymore ...
Everyone's specific situation is a little different (I was driving alone and I was not going back to an empty nest) but the anxiety is the same: a childhood that we vested so much energy and emotions a childhood that gave us a chance to relive our childhood and filled our lives so much is gone, is not around anymore ...
7
Beautifully poignant story that left me with a wobbly smile and teary eyes.
31
I never talked about this experience with anybody. I never realized its universality. Thanks.
66
That was a real gift, Thank you. It seems like forever since I read or listened to anyone tell a deeply personal story that is real in the context of most peoples lives. You've given me hope that I too might be able to find balance between the ups and downs I live with.
72
Thank you, Laurie. I'm at the other end; my daughter is turning three soon. In a very powerful way, this piece has encouraged me to savor every moment that we have together, much more so than all of the people who've "told" me to do so.
On a wholly unrelated note, thank you for the image of your ex shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond.
On a wholly unrelated note, thank you for the image of your ex shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond.
90
Tom - I know, right? Just perfect. This was a beautifully written piece, and that image is the cherry on top.
2
Love this beautiful essay, and appreciate your honesty. I have a four-year-old son and already feel time is flying by.
19
I love this piece. thank you.
29
There is nothing quite as touching as good writing. You made my day with your story.
230
Bravo, Ms. Lindeen, what a wonderful column. I am a grown man with little girls of my own and my eyes right now are inundated with tears that refused to stay in. Even through the inexorable march of time, a constant remains: we are always children, and to those lucky enough to be, we are always parents.
125
Beautiful. I just did the freshman drop-off with the ex, sans gummies, and appreciated this.
32
Lovely writing. Your dad may be at times flawed, but he intuitively knew what you needed. Dads are like that.
127
Solution: Put the kid on a plane. If Johnny is old enough to go to college out of town he's old enough to move in on his own.
41
Wow, that's a fairly callous response to a touching piece that misses the entire point about relationships and connections, inter-generational and otherwise.
33
I think you missed the point!
10
Dude, you don't quite get it.
10
Surprisingly casual but poignant story about the generations. Thanks for writing.
52
Short, sweet, and beautiful.
Thank you (from a divorced 50-something with a daughter looking at colleges)
Thank you (from a divorced 50-something with a daughter looking at colleges)
64
This is lovely Laurie!
Thank you,
Danny
Thank you,
Danny
22
You get a B-, you left out a few crackpot nonsense talking points. If you have kids, I hope they break free of the cuckoo's nest.
2
I walked away, looking back once, and then spotted an acorn lying on the ground at the next building. I pocketed it. And when I got to the sign a few miles away that pointed north to Lewiston or south to Boston, I simply had to stop, beclouded with more tears, because for so long my daughter and I had been pointed toward her growth that led her eventually to Maine, and now I was turning south without her, despite my thrill at who she is and at what awaits her.
I planted the acorn because my mother brought me a white oak acorn when she visited me during my freshman year of college. That tree I grew, on the edge of a campus in western Massachusetts, is now some forty years old. Both of my daughters know where it is...and where to find me when they need me.