I'm pretty sure the targeted audience for this article was parents with teenagers or parents who just want to know what to expect when their kids hit the wonderful age when they officially become teenagers, but here I am. A teenager who stumbled upon this article and read for the fun of it. I can relate to some things mentioned in this article and others not so much. I was definitely able to relate to being locked away in my room for hours at a time but I wouldn't say it's because I'm trying to "loosen the ties" with my parents. I just have to get away sometimes, that's all. Personally, as I'm getting older I feel like I would rather strengthen my ties with my parents than anyone else. I mean, being an adult is hard. When you finally get out into the "real word", as most parents say, who's going to be there for you and help you more than anyone? Parents. So strengthening the bond my parents have is a main concern of mine in my teenage years. Other than that, I can agree with this article. But this article really gave me some insight on how parents feel when their kid shuts them out or starts doing stuff more independently. Just keep in mind though, not all teenagers are alike. For the most part, yeah but not always.
2
I first thought this article would interest me because it would enable me to counter on what I assumed would be another article about stereotypical moody teens. I thought I would be able to stand up for the teens of the world against this all to well known cliché. However, and although I cannot relate to all of the claims, for example my mother and I have riveting conversations about sexual health that I do not attempt to flee from a moving car to avoid, I would actually have to agree with most of the claims made in this article. As a teenager it can be incredibly frustrating, especially during the summer, being with your parents that often. It seems that all your parents want from you is to get a job and be more independent, but you still have to worry about their rules and opinions. They tell you to do the laundry, but you don't understand why it can't be done later as long as it gets done warranting the "because I said so" argument that makes no sense to teenagers. This, in turn, can cause bouts of eye rolling, complaining, and a need for "alone time" but as Damour says it is not because we hate you or do not appreciate everything our parents do and sacrifice for us. This article is interesting because it honestly made me realize that although I may be frustrated with the way the world works at my age, my parents are just doing their job and it isn't fair that they take the brunt of my teenage wrath.
No, Your Teen Doesn't Hate You. It's Just Summer
By Lisa Damour
No, Your Teen Doesn't Hate You. It's Just Summer
By Lisa Damour
2
I am very interested in this article because I can relate to this on a personal level.I can relate to this because I do this not only during the summer but during the school year. Even though I am not home during the summer, I even act this ways towards my parents. When I am at camp during visiting day I usually retreat to spot on camp and go on phone instead of hanging out with parents. Even though it seems like I hate my parents by doing this, I don't because this is the way our life's revolve around. Now as teenagers we live in a society where technology is a major part of our life. We use our phones to keep in contact with others, to keep us occupied, and so much more. So i understand why parents would think that we teenagers hate them, but we don't its just the way our life's revolve.
You might think about whether or not this is a GOOD way to have your life revolve. Or if there might be a better way...
1
So let me get this straight. Your parents come to see you on visiting day, and you don't meet with them? Would hate to see what it would be like if you actually didn't like your parents. I'm sorry, but that's kinda weak...
1
Maybe your teenager with braces doesn't want to talk because their whole mouth HURTS!
5
I finished this article as my teen emerges from six hours of binging on Netflix...
6
An article normalizing white people and their disconnection from their family is of no use or interest to most or all non white people. Our kids aren't expected to, nor do they act that way until that becomes told to them that it's the "normal" way for teens to act.
3
By making it about race when it has nothing to do with race only diminishes our arguments when it is about race. This could have easily been written about my son.
7
From what I understood in this article, "No, Your Teen Doesn't Hate You. It's Just Summer.", the author is emphasising the new generation of teens, who are being rushed in some ways to maturize, and change their ways of life for the good. That might not always be sucessful in some cases, since the author of this article explains that us, as teenagers begin to become closer to outside peers more than to our own parents, who have always been there for us, for any of our "cries for help". Adults and teenagers both begin to jump to conclusions, instead of communcating with each others, strengthening the bonds between a parent and an adolescent. Parents are not the only ones who feel ignored and less important, since most teenagers love coming to their parents first for anything, which show signs of a healthy relationship and bond between the parent and "dramatic" teenager. Not all of these outbreaks last. They usually get passed by. To conclude, I strongly agree with this article and I would love to read many more.
1
This article stood out to me the most, because this is what i'm going through right now. During school, when my mom asked me "how was school?" I would always reply with "good". She always got mad at me for my one word answers and she thought something was wrong. The title of the article drew me in and related to me very well. As a teenager I need space, and some parents don't get that. This article proves that we do what we do, it's not that we don't want to talk, it's just a natural part of life.
4
I have two sons, seven years apart, one now in his twenties. My life with my eldest echoed the broad topics outlined as "normal" in this article. However, having such an age span between my children gave me lots of time to reflect and prepare how I might do things differently the second time - tweak my approach to parenting, so to speak. What I've discovered the second time around with my current 16 year old, is that your teenager wants to talk, you just have to know how to be open to receive it on their terms. I ask questions all the time. We might start a conversation talking about one of his friends (which is easier than launching right into himself) but that always evolves into discussions of his own feelings about issues his peer group is facing or about social/political issues. And I could not agree more with the author's cautionary statement to be prepared for what you might find out; teens are thinking about and dealing with sensitive stuff. The hardest part of raising a teenager, I've discovered, is actually hearing the choices and struggles he is facing on a daily basis. I find my heart being ripped out sometimes, but I never let on. I listen. I give advice when asked. I caution. I don't judge. I let him talk. I invite more dialogue. Raising a teenager is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Teenagers are amazing creatures, and what they have to offer in thought and action should be celebrated not dreaded.
13
I'm a helicopter parent, curating my kids' lives. I admit it. Our 15-year-old son is going on a tall ship this summer, crewing in the Great Lakes and St. Lawrence. He's also got a part-time job and it doing three weeks of counsellor training at a day camp. He'll spend a week with my parents out east. To get there he takes a cab to the airport and flies by himself. He started flying alone when he turned eight. His biggest complaint? He has no time to go to play video games with his friends. I'm not sure where the balance is between pushing my teen toward responsibility and independence and letting him just be a kid, staying in his comfort zone, but my fear is that if I didn't push he would play CoD all day and never leave our basement.
5
Adolescence is when teens and parents both slowly discover that the other is imperfect.
9
I'm glad I am not the only parent experiencing this "summer phenomenon". As a teenager, I was rarely, rarely home during the summer months; but that was before the advent of cell phones and laptops. My teen is holed up in her room six hours or more per day, even though she has access to a vehicle and could easily be out and about. This article made me feel better. Thank you!
9
I thought this piece was very relatable to my life and myself because more often than not, I too become frustrated with my parents and answer with one words and give plenty of eye rolls. It is also definitely frustrating as well when truly nothing in specific is wrong, but my parents think just because I was aloof or gave them short answers, I am failing a class or broke up with my hypothetical boyfriend. However, it is in reality that i am just merely trying to cope with the hardships of bring a teenager in the twenty-first century. I think it is important to have many parents read this article so they know what teens mean by their actions.
8
Holy smokes, there is hope if a teen is reading the Times! Brightened up my day after reading the front page stories of the horrible health care bill!
7
When I was a fairly new and young mother, my Grandmother gave me the best advice I have ever been given about parenting. She said," Try to never forget what it was like to be young - especially your teenage years. That way, you'll be better able to understand your children". I never forgot that advice and it did help me a great deal. We survived five teenagers who grew up to be surprisingly normal and well-adjusted!
9
Isn't it strange how we all forgot what it's like to be a teenager?
10
Ummmmm, yes it is.
2
The fact that non communication, withdrawal, and whining about chores may seem like a norm, does not make these behaviors acceptable. The addicting affects of today's electronic devices make these antisocial behaviors much more profound and long lasting. Condoning this behavior as a phase writes off the parental obligation to teach children to care about something and someone other than themselves and that they will never find true happiness in life by playing computer games and texting.
In adulthood, these same children experience high levels of stress because they are ill prepared to deal with the messiness of real life. Consequently, they retreat into more mature but equivalent cocoons of escapism.
In adulthood, these same children experience high levels of stress because they are ill prepared to deal with the messiness of real life. Consequently, they retreat into more mature but equivalent cocoons of escapism.
18
Couldn't agree more. This article doesn't acknowledge the idea that we millennials are harboring antisocial behaviors. These habits begin when we are teenagers, when we exceed our allotted texting limit, become addicted to games like "CandyCrush", and start managing our social media image. And the addiction strengthens with time. Next comes arguing via Facebook messenger, checking our emails 30 times a day, and swiping through people on Tinder in lieu of boredom. This is a real problem. Recent studies have shown, for instance, that just having your phone be visible during a conversation makes you more distracted and changes the substance of what is talked about. I don't think claiming, "teenagers act like teenagers" gets to the crux of the issue. The problem of teenage angst and immaturity is rooted in our eroding familial ties at the hands of technology. We have forgotten how to talk to each other! This is not so much a phase as it is a new paradigm of human interaction.
22
After a long hard year of struggling and constant worrying about our expectations as well as our parent's expectations, we teenagers forge a schema in our mind that summer is a time where you can finally let go of your anxieties and principles set by school and authorities (teachers and parents). These times can be hard as a parent to deal with due to the teenager's hostile attitude. As parents, they should understand and tolerate their children's behavior through sympathy, knowing that they once had to go through the same predicament. During this time, a parent's understanding and compassion can come a long way in overcoming this predicament. This article is essential for parent's to read so as to make this difficult period of their life to something beneficial and worthwhile.
14
"Think of it this way: Teenagers are charged with the impossible project of becoming independent while still sleeping under our roofs."
&& they are seeing that the prospects for jobs are limited, as older brothers, cousins or online friends are in the same position, living under their parents roofs while trying to be independent, after 4 long hard years of college became a worthless degree.
&& they are seeing that the prospects for jobs are limited, as older brothers, cousins or online friends are in the same position, living under their parents roofs while trying to be independent, after 4 long hard years of college became a worthless degree.
4
Just what I needed to read today! Since reading UNTANGLED on spring break my life with a 14 year old girl has become much more manageable. Your advice - especially the "What do you think?" - has turned things around in our household. Mostly, all the personality swings you articulate makes me realize my daughter is totally on track. Thank you !!
9
As a 19 year old I just want to point out that articles on this topic are usually painfully patronising, it's refreshing to find one that isn't.
14
This parenting game is endlessly humbling.
The parent of some toddler is reading this and thinking "it won't happen to me" - hah!
It's a brutal job and we get the added pleasures of phone/over my data bills, credit card bills, cash handouts, meals & snacks and rides for the friends. And we are told we are always wrong.
The parent of some toddler is reading this and thinking "it won't happen to me" - hah!
It's a brutal job and we get the added pleasures of phone/over my data bills, credit card bills, cash handouts, meals & snacks and rides for the friends. And we are told we are always wrong.
39
My four children are now 28, 26, 17,& 16. Living with teenagers is more challenging than any job I've ever had in the workplace.
19
As the parent of an extremely cute small dictator I find it entirely plausible that she will do all these things as a teenager!
My slightly older son has moved out of that phase and lulled me into a false sense of security!
My slightly older son has moved out of that phase and lulled me into a false sense of security!
2
I picked my son up on 'my day' the first week of middle school. He was twelve. . After years of having him overnight ten times a month - after years of him kissing me on the lips and saying 'I love you , Dad" , he said - "you're mean to my mom and I don't want to see you anymore. " Three months later I had to give up my overnights with him. It's been four years since he called me Dad.
Last week, at sixteen, he said shyly, 'I think I'm ready to call you dad again."
And then he said "I'm sorry it took so long. I'm sorry I resisted." And he put his arms around me and hugged me close. When I dropped him at his mother's he said, "By Dad."
it's been a long, slow process - and we're not finished.
There are a lot of mean, self satisfied, judgmental people in this world, and in this comments section.
I wouldn't wish what happened to me and my son on any of them.
Last week, at sixteen, he said shyly, 'I think I'm ready to call you dad again."
And then he said "I'm sorry it took so long. I'm sorry I resisted." And he put his arms around me and hugged me close. When I dropped him at his mother's he said, "By Dad."
it's been a long, slow process - and we're not finished.
There are a lot of mean, self satisfied, judgmental people in this world, and in this comments section.
I wouldn't wish what happened to me and my son on any of them.
92
Glad he's back, Ian. Enjoy it as much as you can.
9
Husband & I (stepmother) went thru a similar situation twenty plus yrs ago. It was beyond painful. Most of our friends blamed us for the estrangement. Our lives seemed to go from color to grayscale in an instant.
My husband never gave up. I'm sure you didn't either.
So glad to hear things are turning around. You and your son are in our thoughts & prayers.
My husband never gave up. I'm sure you didn't either.
So glad to hear things are turning around. You and your son are in our thoughts & prayers.
13
That's the reality of divorce.
We need to stop normalizing it.
We need to stop normalizing it.
Thank you. As others have said, I needed to read this. A parent keeps telling themselves 'this is ok' but it is so hard to remember sometimes.
21
I want to "recommend" this comment 10 times - exactly how I feel a lot of times!
3
It is not easy becoming an adult human. It takes about 25 years and it's complicated. When all the changes settle down we get about 20 years of incremental change. In the mid to late 40's change speeds up again, oh joy!
18
Summer is highly overrated.
23
glad you said it....totally agree!
As the father of two teenage daughters these words ring true. I just remember that deep down they still want a hug, a friendly word when they come home from school and someone who is there when their friends let them down.
69
Why does the NY Times print articles like these? There have probably been literally hundreds of thousands of books and articles printed on this subject alone. Unnecessary.
6
No, they are necessary because the hundreds of thousands of books have not been read by parents.
27
Well, I came across this today as I'm going through a rough time with my own teen and it helped to put things in perspective. I didn't come across those hundreds of thousands of books today, so their existence had no effect on me. As I'm sure you've read hundreds of thousands of times: if you're not interested, read something else. The internet has quite a lot more content.
63
@EM: Totally untrue. I have a rebellious, moody 17 yr old and this article is pure gold.
I suspect you are not dealing with a teenager at the moment.
I suspect you are not dealing with a teenager at the moment.
14
My parents had an endless supply of terms they added to "Nothing good comes ....." Their favorites were ".....from aimlessly hanging out." and "....after midnight." Anyway, why don't these teens have part-time jobs? Don't we always hear of jobs that go unfilled because Americans are too lazy? If picking strawberries or painting houses is too icky, there are always jobs as camp counselors, lifeguards, babysitters/nannies, etc. If they don't want jobs or are too young for "working papers," they can keep the house clean and cook the family's meals. Am I being harsh? No. Making a contribution is part of life, good for the soul and may result in cash in one's pocket. Sitting around eye-rolling and sighing unhappily benefits no one..
20
um part time jobs are being held by people with college degrees. trickle down theory works, just that this theory is that under employment /unemployment causes those teen jobs to be held by older folk.
8
You obviously don't have teenagers. They still act like that even with a job. Geez. Get off your soapbox
11
How do you know they don't? They can work hard all day and still roll their eyes at you every night.
13
Thanks for this. I don't have any children yet, but I enjoyed thinking back to my own teenage years a decade ago and being able to appreciate all that my parents did during this period of my life.
5
It's really helpful not to forget what a wonderful day at the beach you were as a teenager before judging your teenagers too harshly. Having been down the road with three of my own, I've learned it's a journey - as much for you, as for your children.
It does get better and, ironically, it's often just before they leave home for college or other pursuits; yes, just when most of the kinks have been ironed out and it's finally gotten to a good place.
Maybe that's just as it should be.
It does get better and, ironically, it's often just before they leave home for college or other pursuits; yes, just when most of the kinks have been ironed out and it's finally gotten to a good place.
Maybe that's just as it should be.
24
Yes, talk about teenage people like they are a strange animal creatures whose habits have to be memorized to avoid conflict. Because they're not human people who just happen to be a bit younger than the rest of us, they're a completely different species! So condescend away, and remember: all teens are the same, so be sure to lump them into one broad behavioral category to make things easier on yourself.
8
Found the teenager!
37
@I disagree: Lol. Yup.
4
Slow down here for a second Melinda. Jack, not entirely unreasonably, supports teens and believes that Ms. Damour's article paints them with unfairly broad strokes. He made his point while following standard conventions of written English, though with perhaps more sarcasm than necessary. However, both you and 'I disagree' feel morally superior to Jack due to his perceived youth. I really wouldn't jump in if it weren't for your hypocrisy; even as you mock the teen, you do so by responding with "Lol. Yup." Do you truly not recognize the hypocrisy? Of yours, Jack's, and 'I disagree's' comments, there's only one adult, and it's sure not you or 'I disagree.'
1
Yesterday, my 18 y/o son called to simply yell at me about an incident from last summer. The soon-to-be 16 y/o called yesterday to ask if he could purchase a steak dinner at our local country club with my credit card. I said yes. It's summer. It is what it is....
9
The part about them behaving well outside the home and holding in their frustrations until they get home is spot on--my 14-year-old admitted as much to me just recently. He said that home is a safe place to blow off steam, and I agree. That said, there are lines I don't let him cross, but it is challenging to not push back too hard on this and allow him the room to grow and get past it.
We communicate a lot by text, which is rather fun sometimes, but I've been told to never get on Snapchat (as if I wanted to--ha!).
We communicate a lot by text, which is rather fun sometimes, but I've been told to never get on Snapchat (as if I wanted to--ha!).
25
I don't have that kind of problem with my children withdrawing as such. However I do see it, but I have a great remedy that my parents did with me.
Chores.
Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, especially cleaning the smelly bathrooms. I tell my now 18 year old, that this is what he will have to do when he is own his own. So it's best that he learns it now. Once the chores are done, go be free, come with me to the coffee shop or go play xbox. I give them a reason WHY this is done and explain that you will leave the house one day and you need to be able to feed and clothe yourself.
There isn't a woman that will wait on them hand and foot. They actually have to work in the world and that purpose seems to mitigate some of the surliness.
Chores.
Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, especially cleaning the smelly bathrooms. I tell my now 18 year old, that this is what he will have to do when he is own his own. So it's best that he learns it now. Once the chores are done, go be free, come with me to the coffee shop or go play xbox. I give them a reason WHY this is done and explain that you will leave the house one day and you need to be able to feed and clothe yourself.
There isn't a woman that will wait on them hand and foot. They actually have to work in the world and that purpose seems to mitigate some of the surliness.
40
Wow.
Will make good husbands some day!
Will make good husbands some day!
18
Excellent advice! I tell my children that school prepares their minds for success. I prepare them for day to day life (ie. Laundry, cleaning, yard work, etc.)
5
Best advice ever: Remember, it's not about you. Don't take anything personally. but insist on civility.
57
I am a practicing mental health therapist and have worked with adolescents for 20 years. Three bits of advice I gave to parents are:
1. Don't take it personally
2. Your teen often reserves the acting out with you because you feel the most emotionally safe to them.
3. Adolescents want to be treated like adults one day, and like children the next, and God help you if you get the days mixed up!
1. Don't take it personally
2. Your teen often reserves the acting out with you because you feel the most emotionally safe to them.
3. Adolescents want to be treated like adults one day, and like children the next, and God help you if you get the days mixed up!
136
I couldn't agree with you more, Sharon Williams. Re. your point #2. My third son seemed to turn almost overnight into the rudest, most sullen, rebellious and disobedient person I had ever met and I despaired until I met his vice-principal at a social event. He told me that my son was the most polite, charming and empathetic kid he had ever had in his 25 year career. Someone who was rebellious and disobedient, yes, but one who owned up and faced the consequences without complaint. Phew!
7
I don't question that independence is a fact of adolescent life. But it's also true that disconnection is a fact of adult life in the United States not just adolescent life. If we compare adult expectations and behavior in the United States to Mexico four example we'll find that Americans adhere to behavior considered rude in Mexico. I've lived in US neighborhoods where people barely speak with their neighbors except perhaps their most immediate neighbors. In Mexico by contrast people are acquainted with many people in their neighborhoods and routinely greet each other. And strangers in Mexico interact far more than in the United States. So any standard of behavior that we apply to adolescents in the United States must be seen through the lens of the norms of adult behavior in the United States which are not in my view entirely healthy. It's worth noting by the way that in Latin America adolescents often spend substantial time with their families and it's not uncommon to see parents and adolescent offspring walking down the street arm in arm or arms around each other or hand-in-hand.
99
The Mexican culture, like most of the world's cultures, is more civilized than in tne US. Family and community mean something to most. In the US, we have the ideal of the strong individual which is encouraged to flower during the teen years. We could learn much from or southern neighbors.
16
Yes, I would echo your comment. American norms are cold, frankly, compared to much of the rest of the world.
When my children were young, I often encouraged socializing with entire families of my childrens' friends. Everyone enjoyed it. Now that they are older and busier, it's a bit more difficult. Still, they enjoy family parties (caveat - with cousins of a similar age) and consider them a joy to attend.
I wish the U.S. would change in this regard - more families who get along or who socialize in large groups (so you can avoid the people who bug you and still feel part of a group). Yes, large group family socialization feels good for many - but it doesn't mean there isn't dysfunction and craziness in those families (I guarantee it). It's just a way of a society that is better for us all.
When my children were young, I often encouraged socializing with entire families of my childrens' friends. Everyone enjoyed it. Now that they are older and busier, it's a bit more difficult. Still, they enjoy family parties (caveat - with cousins of a similar age) and consider them a joy to attend.
I wish the U.S. would change in this regard - more families who get along or who socialize in large groups (so you can avoid the people who bug you and still feel part of a group). Yes, large group family socialization feels good for many - but it doesn't mean there isn't dysfunction and craziness in those families (I guarantee it). It's just a way of a society that is better for us all.
9
You're right. Articles such as this one imply that teen angst, rebelliousness, and narcissism are universal phenomena, but I've seen what you've seen, and I have to wonder how much they are the products of our particular culture.
13
Inspire your teens to either work or do volunteer work. The sooner that they learn that there are other people in the world with myriad backgrounds and experiences the better. They learn their place in the world and further appreciate the good fortune that most of us have. Bringing joy to and caring about others develops balanced and caring people.
58
Sorry I can't relate. I have teenagers at home and the opposite is true. They do the typical teenage things like texting, friends etc., but there is still a great connection. I do realize that I am fortunate, especially after reading this article.
25
I was also a fortunate parent when my boys were teens. In fact, they communicated MORE as teens than ever. I think our society sets itself up for failure by expecting the type of behavior described in this article. I, too, expected my teens to pull away. However, because I had worked hard from Day 1 to teach my children how to appropriately communicate their opinions, they always did just that. They knew they were safe to do so. We may not have always agreed, but we communicated. I am very grateful.
19
Open lines of communication are key --- especially when your children are outwardly rebelling against you. With my four children, I've definitely hit unique and challenging rough spots. My husband and I have always reminded them that communication is important.
2
Succinctly from about 13 to 18 (sometimes later) they are in what I call the monosyllabic stage or cave man stage. You have to learn the language of grunts.
Moreover they are sooooooooooo GOOD at being a kid one moment and then morphs into what they call being an "adult."
Ha I tell them they have the luxury of switching on and off the kid/adult mode. Moi? I am stuck in the adult mode. But oh how I would love to revert to the kid mode sometimes. Rolling eyes!!!
Moreover they are sooooooooooo GOOD at being a kid one moment and then morphs into what they call being an "adult."
Ha I tell them they have the luxury of switching on and off the kid/adult mode. Moi? I am stuck in the adult mode. But oh how I would love to revert to the kid mode sometimes. Rolling eyes!!!
12
Ingratitude could be a warning sign that someone has or is learning bad manners, and worse, doesn't know it..
12
@Riccardo who posted: "Ingratitude could be a warning sign that someone has or is learning bad manners, and worse, doesn't know it."
Possibly but not necessarily. My kids went through all the behaviors described in the column when they were adolescents. Their behavior as described can indeed seem bordering on rudeness to the parent. It's hard for a parent who previously had very close ties to and communicated very well with his pre-teen kids.
But repeatedly when my kids were this age, their friends' parents and teachers told me how polite and engaging my kids still were in their homes and classrooms. Of course the parent then thinks: that's great, but why can't I experience that behavior at home?? They do outgrow this phase, as the column says.
I now go out of my way to tell parents of polite and engaging teens what great kids they have. I needed to hear those comments back then.
Possibly but not necessarily. My kids went through all the behaviors described in the column when they were adolescents. Their behavior as described can indeed seem bordering on rudeness to the parent. It's hard for a parent who previously had very close ties to and communicated very well with his pre-teen kids.
But repeatedly when my kids were this age, their friends' parents and teachers told me how polite and engaging my kids still were in their homes and classrooms. Of course the parent then thinks: that's great, but why can't I experience that behavior at home?? They do outgrow this phase, as the column says.
I now go out of my way to tell parents of polite and engaging teens what great kids they have. I needed to hear those comments back then.
17
What a perfectly timed article, as school has ended, the internship haven't started, and I'm convinced my kids are living a dissolute lifestyle that will end in no good. THANKS.
25
This advice is fine for parents who are not raising entitled children. However there are far too many well meaning but overly indulgent parents who should be concerned about the attitude of their teenager.
16
Agreed. Part of this is the desire to be friends with one's child rather than do the actual work of parenting.
3
Not necessarily. Before I left my apartment to go to a meeting this morning, I reminded my teen that I had left a list of things for her to do before I got home. The list included folding laundry and walking the dog. I got a grunt and rolled eyes in response. But when I got home thee hours later, the list was completed and she was back in her room, texting her friends. Entitled, no. Teenager, absolutely.
4
Parents these days seem to expect that their incredible parenting skills are going to result in them avoiding all the issues that they had with their own parents growing up. Their attitude is that they are going to do a much better job as parents and so they expect different results. It's really hard not to laugh out loud when these same people are shocked at their child's behavior once when they hit 13.
Get over yourselves people. Adolescence is mostly biology, not much you're going to do about it.
Get over yourselves people. Adolescence is mostly biology, not much you're going to do about it.
44
Glad to know my son's grunts and disappearing act to his room are normal. I figured as much. The funny part of all this is that my 6 foot plus son still sleeps with his stuffed Elmo from when he was a baby.
106
Mine had Green Dino and Lambie. And I had Night-night (a shredded baby blanket). Until I went to college I still had to have Night-night on the bed or I [thought I] couldn't fall asleep.
I bought myself a small fleece blanket on impulse one day when I was in my early 50s, and whaddya know. It helps me settle into sleep just like it did when I was young!
I bought myself a small fleece blanket on impulse one day when I was in my early 50s, and whaddya know. It helps me settle into sleep just like it did when I was young!
12
Mine has a pink stuffed elephant.
1
My son has a dark green velveteen iguana named Fred, a gift from the Easter Bunny when my boy was three years old. They have been constant companions for 17 years. Fred has been through the wars; dragged around, puked on, mutilated by the dog (which required painstaking, but successful, plastic surgery). I suspect that, like the Velveteen Rabbit, Fred is on the verge of becoming Real.
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Thanks.
Well timed.
Well timed.
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Poor parenting is an epidemic. I blame the previous generation ("hippes", etc). My teenagers are well-adjusted and doing fine, because I put in the work to be a parent not their best buddy.
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It's a shame to blame one generation. The so-called hippie generation, a misnomer, learned from the previous generation who learned from the previous, etc.
For example, at the turn of the 20th century, children were disrespected with the adage, "children should be seen and not heard." And there weren't child labor laws. Underage children worked, sometimes 6 days a week.
The subsequent round of generation, reacted to that attitude and tried to improve.
My parents' generation followed the kindly advice of Dr. Spock. Some said he was too permissive and blamed him for the behavior of the '60's. That's over-simplified, as well as faulting one generation.
These children, and I'm one of them, reacted to parents who went through the Depression and World War Two: those parents showed a need for conformity, repression of emotions, seeking of delayed happiness, and the need to compete and anxiously make up for lost time.
Their children reacted accordingly. And so on in history. There are other examples, but alas no space.
For example, at the turn of the 20th century, children were disrespected with the adage, "children should be seen and not heard." And there weren't child labor laws. Underage children worked, sometimes 6 days a week.
The subsequent round of generation, reacted to that attitude and tried to improve.
My parents' generation followed the kindly advice of Dr. Spock. Some said he was too permissive and blamed him for the behavior of the '60's. That's over-simplified, as well as faulting one generation.
These children, and I'm one of them, reacted to parents who went through the Depression and World War Two: those parents showed a need for conformity, repression of emotions, seeking of delayed happiness, and the need to compete and anxiously make up for lost time.
Their children reacted accordingly. And so on in history. There are other examples, but alas no space.
3
Your turn will come. Judge not!!
Hardly.
A quote from my daughter just yesterday: "I'm not asserting my independence, I'm ensuring it." Kinda says it all....and cracked me up!
40
Thanks for this gentle reminder of our children's dilemma.
8
Our fifteen year-old is turning sixteen in three weeks. I needed to read this; thank you... I printed it out, put in on our daughter's bed. I hope she'll read it, too—tho, I doubt she will. How long does summer last?
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She will definitely read it - she just won't give you the satisfaction of telling you so ;)
1
Some friends with a teenager warned us to expect: Where are you going? Nowhere. Whom will you be seeing? Nobody. How was it? Fine. What did you do? Nothing.
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I hear you. Parents need to mind their business, kids think, and they don't want to account for every second of every day to their parents.
5
That was as true when I was a teenager in the late 60s as it is today, and has been true for all time. As Socrates wrote, “The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.”
Mine would never get out of the house if the answer with such vague responses. I want real answers and valid information or you don't go. The reason? Because I care about you and your safety. Why? Because I love you. Now, where are you going....?
8
It's so true that teens still hear you, and in fact, often WANT you to give them those talks. They just don't want to admit that they do, and don't want to appear to need them! They don't want to be the ones to ask. So they'll act all cool and above those things, but at the same time, keep their ears open and soak it in.
I remember those days well, even though they were a long time ago. I remember not wanting to ask, but at the same time, wanting to know. My mom took my resistance too literally and just stopped talking. So we never really had "the sex talk", and I ended up hearing the dirty versions of everything from boys in school, and was traumatized and disgusted by even the thought of sex for a long time. I still hold a grudge to this day, even though we both pretend like nothing happened. Parents, don't give up at the first eye-roll! Teens can't admit that they need you - it's below their ego - but they do!
I remember those days well, even though they were a long time ago. I remember not wanting to ask, but at the same time, wanting to know. My mom took my resistance too literally and just stopped talking. So we never really had "the sex talk", and I ended up hearing the dirty versions of everything from boys in school, and was traumatized and disgusted by even the thought of sex for a long time. I still hold a grudge to this day, even though we both pretend like nothing happened. Parents, don't give up at the first eye-roll! Teens can't admit that they need you - it's below their ego - but they do!
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