This article (which could have been written by Krugman) concludes: "The stable two-parent family is what we want. A few economic support programs and a confident social script could make an enormous difference in getting us there". Exactly how much in handouts do we need to provide? The Government has been providing ever increasing handouts since the Not-So-Great Society started, and all we've gotten is more social decomposition and dependency. That's the Leftist solution: Implememt even more of the Leftist programs that have already failed.
28
To better understand the economic impact of economic inequality on family structure, read Andrew Cherlin's Labor's Love Lost. This is a complicated situation, but the lack of good paying jobs for men (and women) with less than a college education is an important contributor to the parenting and relational problems discussed here, and one which we can all affect through our politics and our consumer choices. Marriage creates financial responsibility for the spouse, which is rightly of concern if that person doesn't have stable and decent-paying job opportunities. We need US employers to step up to the plate and start creating work environments and salaries that can actually support healthy families.
38
I've had full custody of my two children since they were 3 and 4. They're 11 and 12 now, the younger being a special needs child.
In my case it was the mother who couldn't commit to the restraints of couple/parenthood. Everyone in my small town expresses admiration for me saying that a lot of men wouldn't do what I have done. I don't get that. How can you not be a father, a dad?
Being a dad is the best gig you'll ever get. I guarantee.
In my case it was the mother who couldn't commit to the restraints of couple/parenthood. Everyone in my small town expresses admiration for me saying that a lot of men wouldn't do what I have done. I don't get that. How can you not be a father, a dad?
Being a dad is the best gig you'll ever get. I guarantee.
84
Has the author ever visited the Judicial System in this country? How can women possibly get a fair break if women only represent 1/3 of state and federal court judges in this Country?
3
David Bonderman, former Uber board member, re more female board members and its effect: "Actually, what it shows is that it's much more likely to be more talking."
David Brooks, re busy mothers and their thinking about life partners, "Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?"
Inexcusable conjecture and the Times should know better. This is an infuriating whinge and I can't even imagine how men must feel about the generalizations and sexism Brooks is spewing on them in the same article. The rariefied air Brooks is breathing has addled him.
What a waste of editorial space; Paul Krugman better hurry up and return to the office. And Happy Father's Day.
David Brooks, re busy mothers and their thinking about life partners, "Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?"
Inexcusable conjecture and the Times should know better. This is an infuriating whinge and I can't even imagine how men must feel about the generalizations and sexism Brooks is spewing on them in the same article. The rariefied air Brooks is breathing has addled him.
What a waste of editorial space; Paul Krugman better hurry up and return to the office. And Happy Father's Day.
66
The article states, and I have seen it myself, that men will leave any number of children because they are convinced that the mother is not their "soul mate". However, this is not responsible or realistic for many reasons. First, being a father to your children is more important than having a woman who caters to your ego or sex drive. Be married to the mother of your children, and choose to be married to a woman who wants to be a good mother. Second, the best thing you can do for your children is love and respect their mother. The fact that she bore your children should be enough to command that, and if she is taking care of them then she is probably taking care of you as well. Third, if you, the man, would look around carefully and stop fantasizing, you would realize that women are pretty much alike, in what they want in a man and in life. If you are concentrating on coming through on that, then things will probably fall into place, most of the time, and you will get as good as you were ever meant to, without compounding your problems or the number of people you disappoint.
86
Only solution is mandatory sterilization after the second child, regardless of gender
22
Was it Donald Trump jr. or sr. who said he'd never changed a diaper?
27
This opinion is completely dishonest and we can expect a much higher standard from Paul Krugman. It reeks of "women are exaggerating, in fact it's their greedy fault." I particularly cringed while reading that perhaps the stories the kids repeat are exaggerated too - their mother must have manipulated them!
The men I know who abandoned their kid fit the initial step - an unplanned pregnancy they definitely did not avoid. However the similarity stops there. During the woman's pregnancy they took time off, for themselves, to continue their previous life: leaving the house for nights or days without notice, drinking, working too little or too much. And that behavior was - observantly - interpreted as a lack of the urgently needed commitment. Which caused the couple to spit up.
Your article is so gender biased it has no place in the NY Times.
The men I know who abandoned their kid fit the initial step - an unplanned pregnancy they definitely did not avoid. However the similarity stops there. During the woman's pregnancy they took time off, for themselves, to continue their previous life: leaving the house for nights or days without notice, drinking, working too little or too much. And that behavior was - observantly - interpreted as a lack of the urgently needed commitment. Which caused the couple to spit up.
Your article is so gender biased it has no place in the NY Times.
67
You know I just wonder if Hillary Clinton were president instead of Donald Trump, would Mr. Brooks be meandering through the realm of the social sciences, or busy castigating and criticizing her the way he did Barack Obama for 8 years? Just a thought.
34
The next to last paragraph of your article said all that needs to be said on this subject...you can scrap the rest of your column. Abandonment of parental responsibilities is the result of selfish, immature laziness and plain old fashioned stupidity. You can tap dance around all the neglected childhood and socio-economic issues until your head blows up but this problem is, and always has been, selfishness and immaturity from mothers and fathers.
5
WOW! From a Republican no less. I'm blown away! Bravo!
3
Unstable breeding practices justified so-called white flight. Thirty years living in condo mostly white/Asia I've never encountered a pregnant Asian teenager.
21
Good Lord. Children have been a father's "property" since biblical times. so have women. How low can the NYT go by allowing this unabashed paean to irresponsible fatherhood? Wait. The writer is also an unabashed Republican, from the party that loves the unborn child but ruthlessly denies food, health care and public education to children in their country and all over the world!
60
This is a very one sided sympathetic article that avoids addressing so many men both Black and White who are interested only in "planting their seed" in a bunch of dim witted women who just go on to make more babies with different men because they know our American Welfare system will support their decision to make a bunch of babies.
Come to Ohio and see evidence of this but it's everywhere.
Come to Ohio and see evidence of this but it's everywhere.
21
...and there's another question I'd like to pose: why doesn't the (Republican) village want to help raise needy children, regardless of why they're needy? Dude, turn the mirror to yourself. Your priviliedged-conservative-white-man-with-a-substantial-public-platform-self writing about "other (poor) people's children."
This essay reads like someone who's just started thinking about why (low income) people have children they can't afford and don't get married. Dude, there's a world of research out there.
This essay reads like someone who's just started thinking about why (low income) people have children they can't afford and don't get married. Dude, there's a world of research out there.
31
Jim here (not Richard). Some dads are pushed out.
11
Did you interview Trump???
15
This is mother-bashing.
30
Yeah, about this, my sperm donor is just a dead beat...
8
Come on Mr. Brooks! One of your three solutions is that women should assess the partner before they get off the pill. How about the guys should put on a condom? Sometimes your sexism peaks out of your generally good hearted analysis.
55
Aww...poor guys. Never their fault.
Ladies, hang on to your contraception until 45 pries it away from you. Fathers are allowed to change their minds--you aren't.
Ladies, hang on to your contraception until 45 pries it away from you. Fathers are allowed to change their minds--you aren't.
78
The answer: sex education and free birth control
starting at age 12 which is when many kids become sexually
active. Cash payments for vasectomies and tubal ligation a.
But republicans are hell bent on closing birth control clinics
and outlawing sbortion. Go figure.
What the world does not need is more people
and no matter what they legislate, people will have sex,
Get used to it.
starting at age 12 which is when many kids become sexually
active. Cash payments for vasectomies and tubal ligation a.
But republicans are hell bent on closing birth control clinics
and outlawing sbortion. Go figure.
What the world does not need is more people
and no matter what they legislate, people will have sex,
Get used to it.
43
One can only imagine the conservative breast-beating that would have occurred if Barack Obama had run for President as the father of five children from three different women!
78
Don't have unwanted children you are not prepared for. In this day and age, getting pregnant is a choice. Often, an irresponsible choice. Don't blame others. Women know how to NOT get pregnant -- or to use plan B or have an abortion if they do have 'poor choice sex". If they don't they have made a CHOICE to have a child irresponsibly . Are we shocked at the consequences???
17
David - did you follow your own puritanical conviction, waiting till you were married to have intercourse? Nah, i reckon not. Yet you didn't have unwanted children because you had access to reaonably intelligent sex ed and contraception. End of discussion. Look at the cohort which has access to those 2 social elements; enough education and healthcare access. 'Abstinence' - what a foolish thing to be touting. Though that's not the word i chose originally.
16
If women could get the abortions they want without guilt or shame, they might have a better chance of parenting with a soulmate. Thanks conservatives for cutting off this option!
28
One reason this sad familiar story is endlessly repeated is that Sex Ed is sterilized of Sociological Ed. Tell boys in 7th grade that once sperm meets egg, egg holder has choices but sperm donor only has responsibilities. Tell girls that having a baby by an unreliable partner pretty much destroys their chances of finding a reliable partner in the relatively few years of their life in which they'll be able to attract one. Tell boys how they'll be judged by themselves and others for failing to meet responsibilities to their children. Tell girls how difficult it is to enforce child support rulings. Read kids this article. Tell boys that baby mama turns into baby daddy's unquittable horrible boss. Let's even do the unthinkable and alert boys that there are women out there seeking to entrap men into parenthood. Tell girls that a pregnant woman is our society's most likely murder victim. Tell them the story of Ray Carruth. Are we keeping these things secret to help insure the continuation of the species? We won't be able to reach the die hard knuckle heads, but we'll put a dent in the problem. Kids, partnering in parenthood with someone you don't absolutely know you want to partner with in life is a DISASTER ! Here's why.
20
Well, how about women deciding not to poach the fathers of other women's children? Because those guys are more than willing to be poached; to escape the reality of the hard work of family building and sustaining; because they'd much rather believe it was the fault of that awful woman they were dumb enough to get roped in by instead of examining themselves.
In my middle-class Jewish neighborhood of the fifties, divorced women were not infrequently taking up with the husbands of their soon-to-be-former best friends. They were pretty energetic in excluding his kids from the grand new life they were building with their dad, and not all that infrequently, he then moved on from them. And then there were two families of abandoned kids, and counting...
Stop blaming it on economics, and how our miserable racist system is stacked against those poor black guys.
It's a hefty percentage from every demographic and income level; the ones who can easily pay; the ones who could pay if they just learned to budget for their obligations; the ones who don't ever worry if they can afford any kid at all.
In my middle-class Jewish neighborhood of the fifties, divorced women were not infrequently taking up with the husbands of their soon-to-be-former best friends. They were pretty energetic in excluding his kids from the grand new life they were building with their dad, and not all that infrequently, he then moved on from them. And then there were two families of abandoned kids, and counting...
Stop blaming it on economics, and how our miserable racist system is stacked against those poor black guys.
It's a hefty percentage from every demographic and income level; the ones who can easily pay; the ones who could pay if they just learned to budget for their obligations; the ones who don't ever worry if they can afford any kid at all.
1
Why did the NY Times feature a photo of a white father & son? Why didn't the NY Times feature a photo of a black father & son? Everyone knows, black males comprise the vast per capita majority of fathers who routinely abandon their offspring. Of course, responsible tax paying citizens are left to foot the bill for their offspring. Of course, there is no excuse for a father to abandon their children. Of course, there is no excuse for a father who fails to financially provide for his offspring. These (men) are the most despicable of the (human) race. In a just and righteous society, (men) who abandon, fail to support their offspring should be hunted down, forced to work under police supervision. Or would this have disparate racial impact on America's 'protected class?'
11
We live in a Puritanical country fascinated by porn and sex, as long as we don't talk about it or deal with it on a realistic level. We are now even more Puritanical as we are ruled by the GOP. Many people who voted for Trump voted ONLY because they knew he'd put an abortion foe on the Supreme Court. The current GOP health plan will allow insurers to opt- out of providing birth control. GOP defunds Planned Parenthood because they provide abortions, yet NOT ONE American tax dollar has gone towards providing abortions. Our Puritanical bent continues with overseas policy defunding efforts by underdeveloped countries to even provide information about birth control and abortion. Please, Mr. Brooks, let's talk about the reality of why men are so often even put in the position of becoming fathers: total lack of interest in sex education in the schools (in fact in some cases not allowing it); and keeping birth control and abortion out of reach.
25
Every family dynamic is different. Sometimes a father has so many walls thrown up by an ex wife that years go by as the father gets a lawyer, tries to state his case and gets knocked down again and again. Sometimes a father just can't face an ex wife or girlfriend's rage and disappointment. Sometimes a wife or girlfriend wants to be with another person, and blocks the father's attempts to be a father. Sometimes a father really does just want a new life and leaves everybody high and dry.
6
Humans are animals. This may sound cold and it isn't meant to be so, but we cannot understand who we are without understanding that regular old animal biology does apply to us. In the mammalian world it is fairly unusual for the male to hang around for the rearing of the young. If the human mating partnership splits up it is almost always going to be the mother that stays the course with the young. The mammalian mother is the one who ensures their survival. Millions of years of evolution are not going to be wiped out just because our society has other expectations now. There is no judgment against men or women in this. What we're seeing is biological behavior.
6
My father had two masters degrees and a good job. But he drank, became mentally unstable which led to violence and and awful living situation.
He left, stopped paying child support and didn't come to my or my two sisters graduation. Forget college. Ditto for weddings etc. We lived on unemployment for a year as my mother struggled to find work and take care of us.
I tried hard in Middle School and High School to have a relationship with him. He tried on and off and eventually just gave up. I envied people whose Dads actually planned time to see them.
I adore my children. And with the love I feel for them I cannot believe he did what he did to us. Agree with all the comments - they do it because they can.
And he hid his treatment of us from friends and colleagues. I can't remember how many times people asked my how my father was and I had to tell them I had no idea.
He taught High School and Middle School in my hometown.
Please Mr Brooks - you are grossly over generalizing.
He left, stopped paying child support and didn't come to my or my two sisters graduation. Forget college. Ditto for weddings etc. We lived on unemployment for a year as my mother struggled to find work and take care of us.
I tried hard in Middle School and High School to have a relationship with him. He tried on and off and eventually just gave up. I envied people whose Dads actually planned time to see them.
I adore my children. And with the love I feel for them I cannot believe he did what he did to us. Agree with all the comments - they do it because they can.
And he hid his treatment of us from friends and colleagues. I can't remember how many times people asked my how my father was and I had to tell them I had no idea.
He taught High School and Middle School in my hometown.
Please Mr Brooks - you are grossly over generalizing.
38
When young men cannot find living wages how can they expect to bring anything to the table in a relationship? All the emotions described of these young men in the piece (and in comments)--excitement and commitment towards a new baby, pride about being a father, ambivalence about monogamy, irritation with partner, substance abuse, anger, divorce --occur in every man across every stratum of our society. The men who have resources can withstand the trials and tribulations that these conflicting emotions incur. The rich doctor has three ex-Wives and many children yet can support them all and still maintain a relationship with his children. Some people might look askance at his behavior, but it is socially acceptable, not abandonment. How about the serial cheater who still is a strong family man by all outward appearances? His financial position enables him to hold these conflicting roles simultaneously. He manages these divergent drives without abandoning his children. Impoverished men and women are competing for ever scanter resources. the women seek men who have jobs and men must find income. They abandon not necessarily because of a lack of love or interest in fatherhood or ambivalence about being a partner, but because they are losing the competition for jobs. An income is the base upon which all else may be built.
14
To fathers who say that mothers prevented them from having a relationship with their children, maybe you haven't worked that hard! My parents separated (there was no divorce in Brazil in the 60s) when I was 9 months old. My mother's family brainwashed me against my father. Every other weekend that I was supposed to spend with him (yes, he sued) I was terrified. I would scream as loud as someone possibly can to not go with him. He patiently kept showing how much he loved me and eventually I could feel who he really was and loved him back. My father died very young (48 yo), I feel so blessed he didn't give up on me!
12
Fast forward 5 years when the child enters school. He/She feels abandoned, discarded, and worthless. In addition, their language skills are lagging, having heard far less positive language in the home, no reading takes place, and rarely is there a quiet place in which to do homework. Imagine you are a small child and you feel abandoned and your father is nowhere to be found. That child is either withdrawn or angry, take your pick. This is not a recipe for success in school: the one sure way to exit from poverty. So people, it's not the schools. It's the broken families where support for the child's growth, especially intellectual growth, is ignored.
19
I grew up in a landscape littered with the aftermath of privileged white fathers who couldn't be bothered to stand by their children. Your piece appears to believe that this is only something which happens to young people of color in "bad" neighborhoods. In the case of all the families I knew which were headed by single mothers, the poverty only hit once the fathers had moved on. This is a very, very narrow slice of a narrative that affects millions of women and children of all races, from all walks of life. I wish you had tried to address that.
5
The fact is that a pregnant woman is viewed as damaged goods. Guys leave because they have no investment, and, more often than not, a total lack of care for any concerns beyond their own. "If only," a man once said to me, "you didn't have to deal with children until they were 18 years old."
That pretty much sums it up.
That pretty much sums it up.
11
This article doesn't even touch on the vicious and corrupt court system that plagues all fathers. Somehow because a woman is a mother she is exempt from hardships and responsibility. Fathers are money machines that are forced to pay out as soon as the relationship disoolbes, even if he didn't want it to. Let's talk about 50/50 shared parenting and custody. It's never mentioned because women are too afraid to lose that monthly income. You call dad's deadbeats but when he has to work 60 a week and can barely see his children or pay his own bills nobody cares.
1
As if there is some kind of formulaic process and explanation that answers the question "why fathers leave their children." I find this a ridiculous title.
Whatever.
And: the stable two parent family is what "I" want would have been more honest, David.
But you're divorced now so not sure how that fits with this. I don't know if you have kids or not, but really, it doesn't even matter how old they are or if you have them.
Look at the part YOU played in your divorce, forget all the limits of your wife and look at yourself and your limits and you'll have a better grasp of some of the intricacies you wrote about.
Make it hit home and reflective of your personal challenges in relationships.
Otherwise it's just a form of lecturing and really is getting quite boring.
Whatever.
And: the stable two parent family is what "I" want would have been more honest, David.
But you're divorced now so not sure how that fits with this. I don't know if you have kids or not, but really, it doesn't even matter how old they are or if you have them.
Look at the part YOU played in your divorce, forget all the limits of your wife and look at yourself and your limits and you'll have a better grasp of some of the intricacies you wrote about.
Make it hit home and reflective of your personal challenges in relationships.
Otherwise it's just a form of lecturing and really is getting quite boring.
2
divorce can be a discombobulating experience for fathers... we fight for as much custody as we can get, as if the proceedings are a verdict on our human worth. yet we are confronted by irrelevance as we enact the time we've won. after all, what good is a father? 'a man loves his children by loving his wife' -- now there's a dandy day brightener for after the crying's done.
1
This column assumes a great deal about 'what kind of dad' is doing the abandoning.
I knew a terrific doctor, a specialist in a major city, financially successful & highly regarded at a teaching hospital. We were friends. He was in his early 40s, married to a nurse & had 4 young children. They lived in a gorgeous home in a fine neighborhood. To me, he seemed one of the most intelligent, sensible & stable people I'd ever known. Anyone would have envied his job & his family.
I was in his office one day when he announced that he'd "met a little girl & we've fallen in love & I'm going to leave Melissa."
Plenty of people are immature psychologically. Including this physician. He got divorced, married the new girlfriend & is still with her 20 years later. He stayed relatively involved in his children's lives. But I remember the time when he tore his home life & family apart over an affair & he seemed to have little understanding why his soon to be ex-wife & kids were so angry & hurt. & I'm guessing he's not as close to his kids as he would have been if none of that had happened. His adult children still don't appear to trust him much.
Men - all men - are more likely to walk away because logistically it's easier for men to abandon their kids. & it's not just uneducated men in dire economic circumstances from single parent families. Educated people w/ professional success can be just as stupid, immature & selfish as those Brooks is describing.
Stereotypes are bad.
I knew a terrific doctor, a specialist in a major city, financially successful & highly regarded at a teaching hospital. We were friends. He was in his early 40s, married to a nurse & had 4 young children. They lived in a gorgeous home in a fine neighborhood. To me, he seemed one of the most intelligent, sensible & stable people I'd ever known. Anyone would have envied his job & his family.
I was in his office one day when he announced that he'd "met a little girl & we've fallen in love & I'm going to leave Melissa."
Plenty of people are immature psychologically. Including this physician. He got divorced, married the new girlfriend & is still with her 20 years later. He stayed relatively involved in his children's lives. But I remember the time when he tore his home life & family apart over an affair & he seemed to have little understanding why his soon to be ex-wife & kids were so angry & hurt. & I'm guessing he's not as close to his kids as he would have been if none of that had happened. His adult children still don't appear to trust him much.
Men - all men - are more likely to walk away because logistically it's easier for men to abandon their kids. & it's not just uneducated men in dire economic circumstances from single parent families. Educated people w/ professional success can be just as stupid, immature & selfish as those Brooks is describing.
Stereotypes are bad.
40
Commitment...a much too often neglected idea in today's society.
10
He says in his article that part of the problem is that someone decides to come off the pill. Actually, a man can always choose to use a condom and that is the best way for him to exercise his choice of whether to become a father. That is always in his control. Not wearing a condom is choosing to not take responsibility for one's paternity.
37
I realize this is all about fathers, but I've known three females whose mothers abandoned them. Seemed to me that each mother just could not be bothered. Probably the bottom line for most of the men as well. No need to search for a deeper meaning.,
5
Someone, possibly George Bernard Shaw, suggested that at puberty males should provide a sperm sample, then be sterilized. Then, at 35, the male could use that sperm sample to become a father if he chose. Obviously this isn't feasible, but as Brooks points out, most of the pregnancies in this situation weren't planned. The fathers might indeed have been happy, even overjoyed, but they weren't mature enough for the long haul. That is the major problem, more than money, more than jobs or education. And I don't for one minute blame their children for hating them.
10
Read 'Iron John, A Book About Men' by Robert Bly. Using the Grimm brothers' fairy tale as a metaphor, he argues that one fallout from the industrial revolution was the removal of the father from the home and the farm. The new factory skills were not ones a father could pass along to his children. Especially among black youths, with the absence of a father at home Bly sees a hole in their souls that is filled, unfortunately, by their peers.
3
My father left my 25 year old mother in 1964 with a toddler and a baby. He had already left three children behind when he left his first
marriage. He proceeded to have five more children with five more women during his lifetime. He did not pay child support for any of his progeny. He was an upper middle class white man from Darien, Connecticut. His family made excuses for his inexcusable irresponsibility. I met him at 23 years old and asked him why he abandoned us. His answer: "I knew your mother could handle it". Doesn't that say it all?
marriage. He proceeded to have five more children with five more women during his lifetime. He did not pay child support for any of his progeny. He was an upper middle class white man from Darien, Connecticut. His family made excuses for his inexcusable irresponsibility. I met him at 23 years old and asked him why he abandoned us. His answer: "I knew your mother could handle it". Doesn't that say it all?
34
They had an idealized vision of marriage and knew she wasn't it. There it is. The crux of the problem. Men willing to have unprotected sex with a woman they don't believe is wife and mother material.
17
I made a conscious decision at 21 to avoid dating until I could financially support a family, should the woman turn out to be worthy of marriage. I went 100k into debt to finance my education. At my current job, I have the time and energy required to work 60 hours a week and now earn around 80k a year and will be debt free very soon.
The excuses are incredible. The fact of the matter is that I chose to sacrifice sex and the enjoyment of relationships until I could handle the consequences and thats how you build a stable family. Why is this so difficult for other people? Why should I have to pay more in taxes when people make poor life choices? As a younger person, I notice the kind of guys that knock girls up out of wedlock. They probably should have spent more time in class or at work than getting instant gratification from 20 different women. There are obviously cases where there are unfortunate outcomes and circumstances, but the reality is that most caved to their lust and didn't have the patience to find a woman worth having kids with. That's what I've seen, at least.
The excuses are incredible. The fact of the matter is that I chose to sacrifice sex and the enjoyment of relationships until I could handle the consequences and thats how you build a stable family. Why is this so difficult for other people? Why should I have to pay more in taxes when people make poor life choices? As a younger person, I notice the kind of guys that knock girls up out of wedlock. They probably should have spent more time in class or at work than getting instant gratification from 20 different women. There are obviously cases where there are unfortunate outcomes and circumstances, but the reality is that most caved to their lust and didn't have the patience to find a woman worth having kids with. That's what I've seen, at least.
1
"The stable two-parent family is what we want."
Tell us more about your own divorce, Mr. Brooks.
Tell us more about your own divorce, Mr. Brooks.
28
There is a reason why the phrase Deadbeat Dad exists. The can just walk away from their children from pure self serving motives. I saw it when the married for 10 years man dumped my friend and 2 great kids to move in with a new girlfriend. He no longer wanted the responsibility and just simply left.
15
It's the poverty, stupid!
Irving Howe described, in "World of our Fathers". how one third of Jewish immigrant fathers around the turn of the century abandoned their families because of the devastation and shame of not being to support them.
And these were MARRIED fathers, Mr. Brooks. While the circumstances in no way justify such abandonment, miserable conditions, human weakness, and their devastating consequences are universal and not limited to the contemporary urban poor so condescendingly described by Edin, Nelson, and Brooks.
And one more thing: I would love to hear an honest expression of anger against Trump by one of his children of his previous wives for his having been such a rotten, lecherous philanderer who bought his way out of any emotional commitment to their family. Money can apparently buy silence, but it can't completely bury the hurt.
Irving Howe described, in "World of our Fathers". how one third of Jewish immigrant fathers around the turn of the century abandoned their families because of the devastation and shame of not being to support them.
And these were MARRIED fathers, Mr. Brooks. While the circumstances in no way justify such abandonment, miserable conditions, human weakness, and their devastating consequences are universal and not limited to the contemporary urban poor so condescendingly described by Edin, Nelson, and Brooks.
And one more thing: I would love to hear an honest expression of anger against Trump by one of his children of his previous wives for his having been such a rotten, lecherous philanderer who bought his way out of any emotional commitment to their family. Money can apparently buy silence, but it can't completely bury the hurt.
13
Of course, as many commenters here have noted, absent fathers are not just relegated to the poor... rich dads also just leave their family to turn in their older model trophy wife for a newer model and then proceed to start a new family with the new trophy wife. Trump is the poster boy for that behavior- children with 3 different women.
Can you imagine what hatred and vitriol the GOP would have thrown at Obama if he was in the same circumstance with kids by 3 different women? I think Newt Gingrich would have been the first to throw stones along with Trumpo- their hypocrisy knows no limits.
Can you imagine what hatred and vitriol the GOP would have thrown at Obama if he was in the same circumstance with kids by 3 different women? I think Newt Gingrich would have been the first to throw stones along with Trumpo- their hypocrisy knows no limits.
21
I sincerely think that much more research has to be done.
At least they should pay their fair share
At least they should pay their fair share
excellent thoughts on a troubling problem. a goood friend who serves various types of court papers tells me the same thing; that dads want to be dads but are prevented from seeing their kids til the check comes. and for here, far more women are served for preventing the father from being around than vice versa.
but the bottom line is it takes two to tango and reliable birth control (and I dont mean condoms) have been available for decades. they're just not used or conveniently "forgotten" and its gotcha time when the hormones do their thing in late teen and twenty-somethings.
and while misreading some idealized idea of a beaverhood life clouds the judgement, you still gotta pick women based on the most available one. any woman can get a date offering just one thing but you want more if not for you than more for a potential child. and what of the choices of women who allow theselves to be involved with irresponsible men whoalready have 5 different baby mammas? fathers day in those neighborhoods must be amusing.
so no hillary, dont tell me "it takes a village" to fund the irresponsible family planning of rudderless 20-somethings. not my responsibility to subsidize your poor decisions. and as always who loses? the kids. despicable.
but the bottom line is it takes two to tango and reliable birth control (and I dont mean condoms) have been available for decades. they're just not used or conveniently "forgotten" and its gotcha time when the hormones do their thing in late teen and twenty-somethings.
and while misreading some idealized idea of a beaverhood life clouds the judgement, you still gotta pick women based on the most available one. any woman can get a date offering just one thing but you want more if not for you than more for a potential child. and what of the choices of women who allow theselves to be involved with irresponsible men whoalready have 5 different baby mammas? fathers day in those neighborhoods must be amusing.
so no hillary, dont tell me "it takes a village" to fund the irresponsible family planning of rudderless 20-somethings. not my responsibility to subsidize your poor decisions. and as always who loses? the kids. despicable.
7
What I don't understand with today's easily accessible birth control, is both men and women who are so clueless and so caught up in the lala land of baby making that they fail to realize they are only bringing children into this world who by all statistical accounts generally end up living miserable lives on the dole. Even more mystifying is upper and middle class young professionals who have babies while unmarried. They are not ready for the commitment of marriage, but they are okay with having a child? And here's a newsflash for poor women if the middle class woman is out there working hard to help support her children with her husband what makes you think that your prince charming is going to be able to support you and a child without you also working? In what sort of reality are these people living?
6
And then there's the population of men not focused on: the man who grew up with both parents in a loving, stable environment, but pushed for the abortion of his own child, threw a fit because the woman refused, then walked out because, yeah, he actually doesn't care about the child. At all.
16
:The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion."
No kidding! From conception on--it's all women's work.
Misogyny starts with that extra x chromosome.
Mother Nature's discrimination?
Or does she just lack confidence in men?
No kidding! From conception on--it's all women's work.
Misogyny starts with that extra x chromosome.
Mother Nature's discrimination?
Or does she just lack confidence in men?
5
It's not Brooks who nails it--it's the authors of that study. It strikes me as very true and honest.
2
Ugh, as a social scientist, I feel ill reading this article. I get it, there was some research done and these are the findings. But you are taking the results, separating them from the important details about how this research was created, and then talk about the findings as if this is true for all men. It's a trend seen in this research, and it is valid, but it is also written in an unprofessional manner that sensationalizes and supports the common but habit of distorting information we receive by generalizing, distorting and missing information.
What is sad about this article is it isn't reflective of the way this research is received by people in the field. We get that people are complex.
Also, the article totally falls down in it's shift to what to do. The reason is the research was about what is happening, not why - It would be useful, dear writer, to report on that. Then, you go off and do some interviewing to talk about the why, but you failed to interview social scientists. Because there is a lot of fascinating information about why and what to do about it that is missing. And you know what? This is a big deal, what is happening to men in this country and it is a very important topic. So, dear writer, start digging - Dr. Cookston, SFSU - fun start.
What is sad about this article is it isn't reflective of the way this research is received by people in the field. We get that people are complex.
Also, the article totally falls down in it's shift to what to do. The reason is the research was about what is happening, not why - It would be useful, dear writer, to report on that. Then, you go off and do some interviewing to talk about the why, but you failed to interview social scientists. Because there is a lot of fascinating information about why and what to do about it that is missing. And you know what? This is a big deal, what is happening to men in this country and it is a very important topic. So, dear writer, start digging - Dr. Cookston, SFSU - fun start.
14
With quite acquiescence of the public policy pundits and poverty industry pundits, we have created a culture that tells fathers it's OK to abandon their kids because "they did their best" or they had "other priorities." Taking a stand against such policies is deemed culturally insensitive and politically incorrect.
9
I wish this article had explored the phenomenon of absentee fathers across socioeconomic groups, rather than fixating exclusively on poor fathers. Plenty of middle class and wealthy men abandon their children or have children by multiple women. Take our president, for example, who has five children by three different women, the youngest of whom he isn't even living with. Why not do an armchair anthropological op-ed on that?
31
Birth control is the answer. Birth control for women is expensive. It requires a doctor, a prescription and/or a procedure and medical follow-up care. If you want to give lower- to middle-income children a chance then please allow family planning either through Medicaid, Health Insurance (whether subsidized or not) or a charitable organization such as Planned Parenthood.
26
This story only casually touches on the main reason 27 million children are growing up without both parents in their lives - the state sponsored trafficking of children happening every day in this country's broken and inherently corrupt "family" courts, which separate children from their fit parents for no valid reason or cause other than to force the payment of unnecessary child support so the states can receive SSA Title IV-D federal grant dollars. Our tax dollars are being to provide financial incentives to the state to separate children from one of their parents - usually the father. All of this supported by a $50B Divorce Industry which has turned divorce into big business for attorneys and the state - promoting judicial corruption. This is being exposed for what it really is using the power of social media. Search for and see Divorce Corp's and Erasing Family's web sites.
2
The answer to David Brook's question is right here as to why fathers leave their children. They resent paying "unnecessary child support ". Child support is apparently a conspiracy to separate men from their money. If you were still living with the other parent and the children, wouldn't you support them? Every parent is responsible, not just the one who stays.
21
being a father means being willing to sacrifice some of one's ego in order to make the relationship with the mother/wife work. one of the biggest single reason couples get divorced or leave each other is that there is insufficient giving in to the other especially when the matter is basically trivial. in most situations there are usually many ways to accomplish the same task or reach the same goal. all wont be equally optimal but most are adequate. giving in, acquiescing, coming around to your partner's point of view goes a long way towards build trust and maintaining affection. Dont always insist on doing things your way or always being right. and do it with out building a reservoir
of resentment. once compromise becomes a habit it will become a mutual habit for both of you.
of resentment. once compromise becomes a habit it will become a mutual habit for both of you.
6
That's not the way it was with me. My son's father found a new woman, and she lit up his life, not our son, who he also didn't support. And he was cruel to my son, who, at the age of 10 told me he never wanted to see his father again. That lasted for 5 years! They made up, but the gap of his own father in his life affected my son to the fact that now, in his 50's, he never had children of his own, with "made up" reasons.
15
yes, dad got a new woman who did not want his child in his life ... happens a lot. I learned from that ... brought up four step kids.
2
I worked with unmarried pregnant women for thirty years. My experience, for the most part, included women who had no expectations of their baby's father and men who saw the baby only as evidence of their masculinity. This is reality in many circumstances.
28
"can I trade up to someone who will?"
Says it all. After that calculation the notion of fatherhood is immaterial. It's the same calculation the state make and men are relegated to one that pays and one that goes to jail irrespective of ability or choice.
Choice, right, isn't that what women rights advocates want for women and pregnancy? What choice are men given?
Says it all. After that calculation the notion of fatherhood is immaterial. It's the same calculation the state make and men are relegated to one that pays and one that goes to jail irrespective of ability or choice.
Choice, right, isn't that what women rights advocates want for women and pregnancy? What choice are men given?
1
Men are to be responsible and accountable for their part in any relationship process with a woman. And visa versa.
Coequal in all aspects, I don't care if they met in a bar and then jump in the sack which is stupid but people do it every single day. If they are willing participants they'd better be ready for the outcome.
Not that you said this but NEWS FLASH: there is no such thing as an unintended pregnancy. If a man and a woman, or a boy and a girl have SEX, it's not unintended.
If you have sex you better be ready for the consequences of pregnancy, it doesn't matter if your male or female.
Coequal in all aspects, I don't care if they met in a bar and then jump in the sack which is stupid but people do it every single day. If they are willing participants they'd better be ready for the outcome.
Not that you said this but NEWS FLASH: there is no such thing as an unintended pregnancy. If a man and a woman, or a boy and a girl have SEX, it's not unintended.
If you have sex you better be ready for the consequences of pregnancy, it doesn't matter if your male or female.
11
Make an appointment at Planned Parenthood. They'll tell you.
7
What is the "stable two parent family" that Brooks claims we want? Do both parents have to live together? Does one stay home while the other works? Do they both work, but come home to the same house? Granted that men should be responsible for the children they produce and women should beware of getting pregnant if they are not willing to chance bringing up a child alone. Maybe it is responsible parents we want, regardless of the configuration of the household.
7
I have not read the other responses, but surely someone has said that learning right from wrong when it comes to sex is important--and sex for the conquest or a few moments of comfort will lead to grief and degradation, virtually every time, and too often, unplanned and unwanted children. Impulse control is important. Most children do not hear this at home, or at church/synagogue, or in school, and certainly not on TV or movies or song lyrics. In fact, for entertainment, the exact opposite. Innocent children then bear the brunt of their parents' resentment and inability or unwillingness to care for them properly, physically or emotionally abandoning them.
3
We live in a country where sex education consists of telling people not to have sex, where Planned Parenthood is under regular attack from Republican politicians, and where we don't provide low cost or free contraception. And then we're supposed to be surprised when couples have unintended pregnancies or when there's an STD outbreak? The people advocating these policies then attack the individuals as irresponsible. Please.
When Colorado provided free IUD's the unwanted pregnancy and abortion rates were halved and program saved Medicaid $79 million. Predictably Colorado Republicans have fought funding the program. If you want to reduce unwed fathers try providing effective birth control.
When Colorado provided free IUD's the unwanted pregnancy and abortion rates were halved and program saved Medicaid $79 million. Predictably Colorado Republicans have fought funding the program. If you want to reduce unwed fathers try providing effective birth control.
43
Interesting narrative, but sounds mostly fictional.
The answer is much simpler for families on the economic edge: Social programs for families assume that if there's a father in the house, he's able to provide for the family -- and the family loses its benefits. Moms and dads have a strong incentive to not live together. It's hard to hold a family together under those circumstances.
The answer is much simpler for families on the economic edge: Social programs for families assume that if there's a father in the house, he's able to provide for the family -- and the family loses its benefits. Moms and dads have a strong incentive to not live together. It's hard to hold a family together under those circumstances.
6
Please, David, get a grip. In a previous profession life, my responsibilities included the collection of child support on behalf of children who received public assistance and who were living withone parent, typically the mother. Overwhelmingly, the non-custodial patent, most often the father, not only resisted paying the support amount calibrated to their actual wages, they also continually proclaimed it was the mother who really wanted the kid(s).
The fatherly parental love this study claims exists even for a short while, often stops or ends in the face of real financial obligation to the kid(s). The experience and backgrounds of the authors of this study should be explained before you go and accept their finding nags wholesale because it fits your political view of the world.
The fatherly parental love this study claims exists even for a short while, often stops or ends in the face of real financial obligation to the kid(s). The experience and backgrounds of the authors of this study should be explained before you go and accept their finding nags wholesale because it fits your political view of the world.
48
A thoughtful column. It and the many comments provokes another question: Why is it that many men do not abandon their families?
4
I can't speak for all men but my husband, and the fathers in many of the families we know, love their wives and kids. They enjoy spending time with them, and they like the feeling of accomplishment that caring for family members gives them. My own father marvels at this, telling my brother how weird it is that my brother longs to return home to his family after taking a short trip with our dad. He tells my brother he found every excuse he could to be away from us. He didn't desert our family -- my parents didn't split until I was in college -- but for him, family life was an uncomfortable fit he wanted release from.
5
You are forgetting one important thing. Fathers get to walk away. They don't have to worry about childcare to be able to work, no judgement on them when they show up to school as a single parent. They get to try again, and again, in many cases. If a mother isn't going to put their child aside for the next guy that shows up then they don't keep someone to share the joy, the pain, the fear with. They are on their own.
I was in a committed relationship. We planned a family and then he walked out when our son was 4 months old. He didn't want to be committed to the child, too much work.
The child is now an adult and the father doesn't understand why the child doesn't respect him. He doesn't understand that all those holidays with a letter from some vacation spot and a present from a cool place the child would have liked doesn't fill the void of being abandoned.
Even though I never left him he still felt his father abandoned and it took me 18 years to find out that is how he feels. I went from planning a family to being a single parent at 24...its been 30 years and I am still angry about it.
I was in a committed relationship. We planned a family and then he walked out when our son was 4 months old. He didn't want to be committed to the child, too much work.
The child is now an adult and the father doesn't understand why the child doesn't respect him. He doesn't understand that all those holidays with a letter from some vacation spot and a present from a cool place the child would have liked doesn't fill the void of being abandoned.
Even though I never left him he still felt his father abandoned and it took me 18 years to find out that is how he feels. I went from planning a family to being a single parent at 24...its been 30 years and I am still angry about it.
29
Potential mothers "get to walk away through" abortion, men not wanting fatherhood get stuck.
4
If I could I would share this with my late father in law who walked out on his wife and 5 boys to live with my mother laws best friend. When he tired of that he moved out of state because back in the 60's and early 70's states did not bother to hunt down dead beat fathers. My husband was raised on welfare, food stamps, the free lunch program, and Medicaid. His father was able to retire at 50 from the phone company. He would not even cover the health insurance for his own boys.
Thankfully, my husband obtained an education and today is solidly upper middle class.
So David tell it to all the abandoned children that their fathers had good intentions. I'm sure that will be very meaningful to them as the wonder where their next meal is coming from.
Thankfully, my husband obtained an education and today is solidly upper middle class.
So David tell it to all the abandoned children that their fathers had good intentions. I'm sure that will be very meaningful to them as the wonder where their next meal is coming from.
37
Brooks nails it - but fails to mention that oftentimes the mother does push the father out of the lives of children through various means. I have read a lot of comments on this article today and find them to be memes of the day or artificial (or real) anger. The facts, as studied for many years, does support this fact. For failure of being politically correct, this is rarely discussed publicly. But I will say this - many patients tell me they regret pushing the fathers away by continuously arguing with the father or their child. My point: There are many reasons but blaming the father exclusively will not answer the call to action.
3
Amen. Blame doesn't work. I tell my students if parents divorce/separate and father doesn't visit, mother plays a big role in this.
It's a relationship issue between the two parents that they haven't figured out how to deal with. And it can last until death unless at least one of them begins to own up to their part, whatever it is, in what's going on.
Each parent plays a pivotal role in what happens after separation.
And in the case of so called dead beat dads--a searing stereotype that does not take into account the relationship between the mom and dad--you can be sure there is a mom making herself out to be the good parent. Mom always plays a part if father doesn't play a role with the children.
I'm not saying it's her fault, I'm saying they BOTH play a part if father is not involved with the children.
It's a relationship issue between the two parents that they haven't figured out how to deal with. And it can last until death unless at least one of them begins to own up to their part, whatever it is, in what's going on.
Each parent plays a pivotal role in what happens after separation.
And in the case of so called dead beat dads--a searing stereotype that does not take into account the relationship between the mom and dad--you can be sure there is a mom making herself out to be the good parent. Mom always plays a part if father doesn't play a role with the children.
I'm not saying it's her fault, I'm saying they BOTH play a part if father is not involved with the children.
2
If men took true responsibility for contraception they wouldn't continually find themselves cornered into fatherhood. But if all the men I've known only one had a vasectomy, and he was European not American. Even in a happy marriage with the kid thing ticked off the list they still don't do it. "It's invasive!" (And having a baby or abortion isn't?)
And I also wonder truely if women didn't have such great hormones governing their bodies and behavioir to encourage responsibility, stability and sacrifice if they would do any better job at being a parent. Being a parent sucks - it's really hard. And I have 2 amazing kids who I love to death and a great husband and life. But I am thankful every day that I have a biological imperative to be a good mother because if there was the knowledge that someone else would step in and take care of business in my absence, I too might have left. Life allows men to be lame. Darwin rewards them too. There are things the state can do to mitigate human behavior but it's not going to go away any time soon. Free contraception. Massive sex education campaigns. Child support enforcement laws. Free healthcare for all. a living minimum wage. These kinds of policies would ease the burden of fatherhood to a manageable level, but I don't know how far it would go towards change when men don't undergo the body rocking mind altering process that is pregnancy.
And I also wonder truely if women didn't have such great hormones governing their bodies and behavioir to encourage responsibility, stability and sacrifice if they would do any better job at being a parent. Being a parent sucks - it's really hard. And I have 2 amazing kids who I love to death and a great husband and life. But I am thankful every day that I have a biological imperative to be a good mother because if there was the knowledge that someone else would step in and take care of business in my absence, I too might have left. Life allows men to be lame. Darwin rewards them too. There are things the state can do to mitigate human behavior but it's not going to go away any time soon. Free contraception. Massive sex education campaigns. Child support enforcement laws. Free healthcare for all. a living minimum wage. These kinds of policies would ease the burden of fatherhood to a manageable level, but I don't know how far it would go towards change when men don't undergo the body rocking mind altering process that is pregnancy.
13
Yes, until men have babies...
Check out YouTube there are some videos that are really good in which young men are hooked up to machines to simulate having a baby.
Well worth watching...
They get an understanding... it's not the same but even mimicking the birth process is very instructive. All fathers to be or just all men should have to try it out. Might make then think twice about having unprotected sex. Women too...
Check out YouTube there are some videos that are really good in which young men are hooked up to machines to simulate having a baby.
Well worth watching...
They get an understanding... it's not the same but even mimicking the birth process is very instructive. All fathers to be or just all men should have to try it out. Might make then think twice about having unprotected sex. Women too...
1
Men leave their children because they can. Our society (and David Brooks) seems to assume that somehow the child is the special responsibility of the mother. We need to start assuming that children are the responsibility of both parents, and pass and enforce laws to ensure that both live up to that responsibility.
35
Some very interesting insights here in the "why men do things" department--and in the same week we are asking ourselves why men often go on shooting sprees. The commonality in the two is that men are lacking emotional and mental health support. Sometimes the two are the same thing, as could said about the young man who grew up without a father yet desires to be one once the opportunity falls in his lap. As we have seen with women, sometimes one cannot change a pattern unless there is some sort of behavior changed around the type of situation that created the pattern. So a young man who decides he wants to be a good father, but doesn't know how and has his own issues around fatherhood may need some mental health counseling and parenting (fathering) classes to begin to see the patter and make the changes...
Likewise men who see shooting up places and people also need mental health care for them to deal with the anger issues that cause them to use violent means to solve a problem. Many of our shooters--stats have shown mostly white males--seem to have an abundance of anger with no other outlet. They are incapable, unable to properly deal with their emotions. Again, some sort of behavioral counseling (not simply "anger management) perhaps coupled with some trauma counseling or emotion recognition might help.
The government doesn't necessarily have to be the entity that provides the mental health care, but facilitating it in some ways could make a difference.
Likewise men who see shooting up places and people also need mental health care for them to deal with the anger issues that cause them to use violent means to solve a problem. Many of our shooters--stats have shown mostly white males--seem to have an abundance of anger with no other outlet. They are incapable, unable to properly deal with their emotions. Again, some sort of behavioral counseling (not simply "anger management) perhaps coupled with some trauma counseling or emotion recognition might help.
The government doesn't necessarily have to be the entity that provides the mental health care, but facilitating it in some ways could make a difference.
8
If a couple isn't committed to each other before the pregnancy, It's unlikely that they will do so after the child is conceived. If the goal is a 2-parent family, the remedy is for couple to use birth control until such time as they can commit to each other. There are many women who aren't committed to the ideal of a 2-parent family, & would actually prefer to do parenting alone. I say to such women - wait till you're 30, so you can be reasonably certain there is unlikely to be a Mr. Right in your life - only a passing Mr. Fun or Mr. Exciting.
7
I don't even know how couples who aren't committed to each other and their kid(s) make it through the early years of a child's life together. That's a hard work, self-doubt, sleep deprivation, demanding boss time of life that can break people apart.
4
Parents, like all humans, are not perfect. It isn't easy being the child of deeply flawed human. Unfortunately, we don't get to pick our parents any more than parents get to pick their kids.
When I was younger and faced a difficult situation, I would ask my mother for advice. She would often say "Do your best." People that suffer from mental illness, substance abuse, a background filled with chaos, or just not having the tools to make it through life as an adult don't have the same "best" that we think they ought to have. So sad and so impossible to fix.
I found your piece, Mr. Brooks, to be jarringly accurate.
When I was younger and faced a difficult situation, I would ask my mother for advice. She would often say "Do your best." People that suffer from mental illness, substance abuse, a background filled with chaos, or just not having the tools to make it through life as an adult don't have the same "best" that we think they ought to have. So sad and so impossible to fix.
I found your piece, Mr. Brooks, to be jarringly accurate.
4
Back in 1928, when my father was born out of wedlock...a phrase as poisonous as any brown recluse spider is to us all today...he grew into a man pained by the absence of knowing where that half of him belonged, entirely unaware or unforgiving (he would not say it to me) of the affair his mother had, to be born in that way of needing to explain to the halls of the better education his mother sought for him (Catholic, private) that he drank, fornicated, violated persons to have been fortunate for being raised in a two-parent household (a term that is to me as poisonous as a brown recluse spider is to all of us today).
"Find someone you love before you have intercourse."
Assuming this is always a 2 way street, which is the greatest imaginable stretch in our current society. This is stone age thinking.
There needs to be more focus on birth control, making it available, readily & free of charge, to anyone who wants it at any age.
Beyond that, some enlightened colleges offer courses on sexuality & relationships. I don't suppose we'll ever see such courses offered in high school but why not? - like mimicking relationships where teenagers learn what it feels like to always be accountable to your 'other' for where you're going, when you'll be back, whether you keep your job, how you spend your money, what qualities do you value in a relationship & partner, what would you like to accomplish in your life, will having a baby as a teenager or young adult in an uncommitted or semi-committed relationship enable you to get there?
Also an emphasis with people that simply making the same mistakes your parents made but vowing "but I'm determine to do better and not abandon my child" is like believing the tooth fairy is real. Better that people learn to understand their feelings about a parent who abandoned them than deciding they'll do the same thing but have it turn out better.
Education. Birth control. Finances. Helping people learn what a lack of responsibility, commitment & accountability can do to destroy a relationship & harm the children born into it.
Assuming this is always a 2 way street, which is the greatest imaginable stretch in our current society. This is stone age thinking.
There needs to be more focus on birth control, making it available, readily & free of charge, to anyone who wants it at any age.
Beyond that, some enlightened colleges offer courses on sexuality & relationships. I don't suppose we'll ever see such courses offered in high school but why not? - like mimicking relationships where teenagers learn what it feels like to always be accountable to your 'other' for where you're going, when you'll be back, whether you keep your job, how you spend your money, what qualities do you value in a relationship & partner, what would you like to accomplish in your life, will having a baby as a teenager or young adult in an uncommitted or semi-committed relationship enable you to get there?
Also an emphasis with people that simply making the same mistakes your parents made but vowing "but I'm determine to do better and not abandon my child" is like believing the tooth fairy is real. Better that people learn to understand their feelings about a parent who abandoned them than deciding they'll do the same thing but have it turn out better.
Education. Birth control. Finances. Helping people learn what a lack of responsibility, commitment & accountability can do to destroy a relationship & harm the children born into it.
11
Phew it must be awful to be able to have the freedom to get up and walk away from a child you just couldn't figure out how to take care of. I keep telling myself that it is always best to try and educate the worst parts of human nature but I keep coming back to "You Have Got To Be Kidding Me."
12
IUDs or implanted birth control need to be made available to all women period. This means no spur of the moment risky decisions to forgo condoms or forgotten pills etc. And how about some serious research oblong term birth control for men. Maybe we need a coming of age ceremony at 14 where we celebrate the implant...
13
"According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, black single fathers are more involved in their kids’ lives than white single fathers at this stage." The article opens by identifying the children as "poor". At what point does it become about race? I can find no other indication than the sentence above....
5
Perhaps that's the point. Maybe this is not about race. We have a lot of poor people in this country of all races.
1
What man does not want to be a good father? But blaming the child mother as "bossy" and therefore somehow justifies the father who have gotten into trouble with drug, law and order, or another woman does not cut it.Those who want to become good father can do it despite the "bossy" mother.
14
This article is complete nonsense, especially since much of the blame here is put on the female partner. As a three year old child, I was abandoned by my father because he found another woman. There was and there never will be a good excuse to "drop your child like a hot potatoe". Stop providing excuses for men who do not possess integrity, compassion and who do not take care of their own children. Period.
27
For 9 years I lived in Barbados, at Easy Hall, St. Joseph. Our 6.5 acres employed 300. We built to last, built ethically. The Bajun stole, Whites were worse, few were honest, I turned the other cheek, spoke of their children, their women, paid by check, not cash they would distribute to 5, they had not a bed of their own. Easy Hall became their home and pride. I lectured on HIV Aids. Did the math. Asked if they wanted their sons to know their father, for they did not know theirs. Would they perpetuate that pain, I spoke to all. But I ran into trouble with the men... and their women. For the lighter skin gets the better job... out of the sun. Not cutting. So, the women preferred... white men. Rejected, the men moved around... pride in color was not possible. Money driven... color driven... truly sad. But color drives many things... and the men are slammed... as sex is no longer love, sex becomes the means to an end: getting lighter and lighter... let there be no mistake about this... and it's world wide.
3
Being a good father starts with being a good partner to the person who bore your child.
33
The core problem is a lack of male self-discipline. That lack of self-discipline begins with keeping on the condom until marriage. As for other causes, I would say that when the children who grow up with a biological father report a litany of male barbarism, it is the height of arrogance not to believe them.
10
Dare we suggest that the behavior of young women might leave a lot to desired also? Like, it might be a good idea not to roll in the hay with a guy before you marry him. Too much to ask?
3
"Their goals and values point them in the right direction, but they’re stuck in a formless romantic anarchy."
What they're stuck in is the same sexism that women are vocal about fighting, and get called feminazis for doing so. As a society, we harm males as much as females, but in different ways. Any male who isn't a perfect fit for Western Culture's stupid sexist mores (ie. is POC, is poor, is not heterosexual, etc.), faces huge obstacles to a healthy self perception. Without healthy self perception, no human can form healthy relationships. When these young men are faced with parenthood, they turn to the TV movie version of life and expect a montage.
As long as we maintain a taboo around birth control, women's choices to control their bodies, men's rights to emotional lives, men's ability to nurture, and falsely dichotomous gender roles, we will continue to have this problem.
What these men need is to have grown up in a less poisonous atmosphere. If we want to help them, it's time we stop killing little boys and girls by defining for them what they ARE before they have a chance to explore what they COULD BE.
Sexism harms ALL PEOPLE.
What they're stuck in is the same sexism that women are vocal about fighting, and get called feminazis for doing so. As a society, we harm males as much as females, but in different ways. Any male who isn't a perfect fit for Western Culture's stupid sexist mores (ie. is POC, is poor, is not heterosexual, etc.), faces huge obstacles to a healthy self perception. Without healthy self perception, no human can form healthy relationships. When these young men are faced with parenthood, they turn to the TV movie version of life and expect a montage.
As long as we maintain a taboo around birth control, women's choices to control their bodies, men's rights to emotional lives, men's ability to nurture, and falsely dichotomous gender roles, we will continue to have this problem.
What these men need is to have grown up in a less poisonous atmosphere. If we want to help them, it's time we stop killing little boys and girls by defining for them what they ARE before they have a chance to explore what they COULD BE.
Sexism harms ALL PEOPLE.
4
Dear Mr. Brooks,
I'm interested in speaking to you about the shocking prevalence of parents who never left but who have been perversely removed from their children and their homes by corrupt divorce proceedings that are completely untethered to the rule of law. While this can happen to mothers and fathers, I'd be willing to bet that it happens much more commonly to fathers. This is a scourge in America of which many people seem unaware and that must be exposed. I need some help exposing it before I hopefully garner the support to make the legislative changes that are necessary. It doesn't seem like there's a better way of contacting you via the Times website and you, like most of your colleagues, have no email listed. Is there a way I can contact you directly? I hesitate to leave my own contact information in this comment.
Sincerely,
Steve Jasikoff
I'm interested in speaking to you about the shocking prevalence of parents who never left but who have been perversely removed from their children and their homes by corrupt divorce proceedings that are completely untethered to the rule of law. While this can happen to mothers and fathers, I'd be willing to bet that it happens much more commonly to fathers. This is a scourge in America of which many people seem unaware and that must be exposed. I need some help exposing it before I hopefully garner the support to make the legislative changes that are necessary. It doesn't seem like there's a better way of contacting you via the Times website and you, like most of your colleagues, have no email listed. Is there a way I can contact you directly? I hesitate to leave my own contact information in this comment.
Sincerely,
Steve Jasikoff
2
You've told the story of one man as if it is the story of all men. It's a one-size-fits all narrative, or should I call it a "they're all alike" narrative? It's a common mistake. Check this out:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecological_fallacy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecological_fallacy
5
David, I'm a liberal and typically love reading your articles. But this one is a bunch of horse you-know-what. Men leave because it's socially acceptable. Period. How can you bemoan the state of the family in this country and then proceed to make excuses for men who abandon their children? There certainly wouldn't be such magnanimity for women who took off. Misogyny at its finest.
26
I don't know any men who have a romantic idea that they are going to meet their "soul mate" some day. Most men have a decidedly unromantic view of relationships: they want regular sex without having to hunting for it; they want housekeeping services; poor men want a place to live and food to eat. In short, they want Mama, but a sexy mama who they can also have sex with, preferably without a condom and without any ensuing progeny. I'm sure that they tell sociologists something quite different: about how bossy the Baby Mama is. But if you ask Mama, she'll tell you that she literally cannot afford another child, one that weighs 200 pounds and that is sometimes a physical threat to her and the little kids.
21
This well meaning column, breaking the stereotype of the absent father, still sounds like a white man's solution to deep-seated black cultural problems.
Why is it a badge of honor for black women to have children and raise them - on their own. And how does that affect the role of well meaning men? Why doesn't the New York Times devote a fraction of the space given over to the complaints of successful white women - many of whose kids are being raised by these same black women - to deal with the complex issues of black men, and women. And why wasn't our historic black President taken to task for not involving himself in the deep seated cultural problems of his own people?
Why is it a badge of honor for black women to have children and raise them - on their own. And how does that affect the role of well meaning men? Why doesn't the New York Times devote a fraction of the space given over to the complaints of successful white women - many of whose kids are being raised by these same black women - to deal with the complex issues of black men, and women. And why wasn't our historic black President taken to task for not involving himself in the deep seated cultural problems of his own people?
5
Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill.
Are you kidding me??? Get off the pill that you are not on in the first place because the republicans have shut down all planned parenthood medical facilities and they have removed your coverage of that pill under Trumpcare?
You have NERVE Mr. Brooks!
Are you kidding me??? Get off the pill that you are not on in the first place because the republicans have shut down all planned parenthood medical facilities and they have removed your coverage of that pill under Trumpcare?
You have NERVE Mr. Brooks!
21
uh huh uh huh,
"it's not because they don't care"
sure, but the KIDS do
**spoken by 62 year old mother of adult daughters. I can see their father's behavior in their life & life choices.
david, please stop mansplaining everything but this:
why you do you continue to avoid the obvious ... that it's easy to dream up these random pieces while the rest of us work to survive this mess.
"it's not because they don't care"
sure, but the KIDS do
**spoken by 62 year old mother of adult daughters. I can see their father's behavior in their life & life choices.
david, please stop mansplaining everything but this:
why you do you continue to avoid the obvious ... that it's easy to dream up these random pieces while the rest of us work to survive this mess.
11
Maybe a male contraceptive (pill) would help? Oh wait... What a ridiculous idea.
12
The words you're searching for are selfishness & irresponsibility
15
30% of dads raising children not biologically theirs. Fear of cuckholding, manipulative women, man hating mostly female family court judges, generate justified duped dad anger leading to abandonment.
1
.
Yes - the current dysfunction of the American family is not sustainable. So let the “confident social script” begin:
Step1: know yourself
Step2: understand and respect others
Step3: understand and respect your ability to create and affect all life
You will benefit from a model of human identity to get past Step1:
body + soul = being
mind + heart = awareness
self + others = connectedness
You are a being, aware, connected to other beings - now discuss and define. This is philosophy.
Yes - the current dysfunction of the American family is not sustainable. So let the “confident social script” begin:
Step1: know yourself
Step2: understand and respect others
Step3: understand and respect your ability to create and affect all life
You will benefit from a model of human identity to get past Step1:
body + soul = being
mind + heart = awareness
self + others = connectedness
You are a being, aware, connected to other beings - now discuss and define. This is philosophy.
2
Mr. Brooks, gemerally I like you and enjoy your columns. BUT today's article reeks of elite ivory tower intellectualism and is not based in reality. Try raising a family on minimum wage. Paying for childcare, etc. DO NOT blame women-it takes two people to make a baby. Most studies continue to show that women do more than 50% of household responsibilities/childcare even in middle class families. Someone has to be organized and by default it falls to the woman. .BOSSY is one of those terms reserved for women, just like hysterical (ie Kamala Harris). How about using terms as organized, & responsible? IT WOULD HELP IF GOP did not oppose insurance coverage for contraception; make maternity care a pre-existing conditon; push for medicaid cut backs; oppose child care help/credits; and in general only care about rich white people. Descend from your ivory tower! BTW, it was NOT OK on NPR News to give Mr. Gianforte a pass for assault. He is a poster boy for short fuse violence. Do you give passes to those who rape and assault women?
16
Did David Brooks figure all of this out just by watching a movie?
5
The problem begins with mothers not demanding that their sons act like men and channel their sex drive towards marriage and family, and teaching their daughters to respect themselves so that they will not copulate without a commitment. My liberal friends think we are too overtly sexual to restrain ourselves and I am unrealistic. Yet removing shame from society has clearly lead to a myriad of social suffering that is apodictic.
6
Entitlements do not favor the baby daddy if he stays around.
3
Certainly there are many problems here. I think part of what is broken is that child care is not provided by the state enabling either parent to work full-time if they have full-custody of the child. Countries which have socialized child care enable the parents to operate much more autonomously and create a work force with greater participation. Blaming the parents for not knowing themselves gets you nowhere.
2
Hopefully fathers will become increasingly optional. My experience is that men are frequently a pain to have around, and it can be quite a bit easier to get along without them.
3
There are many comments here suggesting that the answer is more birth control. That's fine for those who never intend to be parents, but many women want to be mothers, and many men want to be fathers. The problem is financial. By all means offer birth control services but nothing will change if parenthood is just delayed longer. It might even makes things worse. A college degree that enables upward mobility can end the cycle of poverty, birth control offers a delay at most.
2
On of the biggest problems is there are very few men support groups. Homophobia is part of it, another is, men do not have a right of passage in western culture. Woman know when are women, they menistrat. Boys don't, they remain in their adolescent brain some times for their entire lives. I find it telling that our society is so currrupted by the concepts of "money" that we even think that is the problem.
Sometime you just have to suck it up and stay no matter how hard it gets, and when you do you just might grow into a man.
Sometime you just have to suck it up and stay no matter how hard it gets, and when you do you just might grow into a man.
10
Or just don't have kids in the first place. I prefer not to be what you call a man (I didn't know there was a maturity requirement, where I fail so I must be a mere boy to you) and take care of others. So I didn't have kids. Easy game, life.
2
I'm all for regarding the fathers compassionately as complex human beings; that said, this article fails to notice an enormous privilege they have that the mothers do not. The fathers move on to other women because they "dream of the perfect soulmate" and "know that this woman isn't it"; meanwhile, "Buried in the rigors of motherhood, the women...take a very practical view of what they need in a man." You can bet that every one of those women dreams of a perfect soulmate, too, but tragically comes to believe that she must give up those dreams in order to survive with her child. Love--even the hope of true love--becomes an exclusively male privilege. Whatever efforts are made to give these fathers the "key bridges" they need (efforts which I support), they must come with provision made for the incomparable vulnerability of women.
28
"The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion."
Of course! Men don't have to deal with the physical reality of a pregnancy. For men, especially men who don't live with with their pregnant partners, pregnancy changes very little. If a woman wants an abortion, a man's role should be to giver her support and comfort.
BTW, I'm a middle-age male with a wife and two kids, if anyone cares about such things.
Of course! Men don't have to deal with the physical reality of a pregnancy. For men, especially men who don't live with with their pregnant partners, pregnancy changes very little. If a woman wants an abortion, a man's role should be to giver her support and comfort.
BTW, I'm a middle-age male with a wife and two kids, if anyone cares about such things.
21
What Brook's tries to describe, with commenters assisting, is the paradox of responding to any complex social dilemma--fathers who leave in stages, despite some kind of genuine concern for the child they will abandon. What's missing is any kind of sustainable relationship with the child's mother.
What's to be done? David's solution is that the couple, especially the man, will, in the midst of an unstable transitory relationship, step back in order to recognize "practical bridges" on the path to fatherhood"-- love before sex; years testing a relationship; the logic of 'couple's budget.'
It's heartfelt, without a doubt, but also oddly naive, along the lines of Nancy Reagan's 'Just Say No' campaign. People at that time wondered if her advice was intended for everyone, or just middle and upper-middle class white kids snorting some coke in the suburbs.
Same question for David.
What's to be done? David's solution is that the couple, especially the man, will, in the midst of an unstable transitory relationship, step back in order to recognize "practical bridges" on the path to fatherhood"-- love before sex; years testing a relationship; the logic of 'couple's budget.'
It's heartfelt, without a doubt, but also oddly naive, along the lines of Nancy Reagan's 'Just Say No' campaign. People at that time wondered if her advice was intended for everyone, or just middle and upper-middle class white kids snorting some coke in the suburbs.
Same question for David.
4
Why isn't birth control mentioned anywhere? I see Brooks mentions waiting until you find love before intercourse (that's realistic). Why can't we get these people to have sex responsibly? We know how babies are made. Why do we give them excuses.
7
Today brings us another piece of writing that shows how stunningly clueless David Brooks is, up there in his happy, wealthy, right-tilting tower. Today we find all sorts of excuses for why deadbeat dads are really just great, responsible guys at heart, if only she'd stop being so bossy and so quick to find a "new guy."
My personal favorite from this piece: "The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion." And so Brooks implies that future deadbeat dads are more moral (or right-to-life-ish) than their callous girlfriends.
Well, of course the women are more likely to want to end the pregnancy. They know how Dad is going to react.
And maybe David, just maybe, she's not taking the pill because she lost or doesn't have insurance and can't afford prescription medications. Alas, I can hear the right-wing judgment cry already --- no excuses: personal responsibility! (unless you're a deadbeat dad, that is)
My personal favorite from this piece: "The men are less likely than the women to want to end the pregnancy with an abortion." And so Brooks implies that future deadbeat dads are more moral (or right-to-life-ish) than their callous girlfriends.
Well, of course the women are more likely to want to end the pregnancy. They know how Dad is going to react.
And maybe David, just maybe, she's not taking the pill because she lost or doesn't have insurance and can't afford prescription medications. Alas, I can hear the right-wing judgment cry already --- no excuses: personal responsibility! (unless you're a deadbeat dad, that is)
23
And because right wing politicians are PROUD of closing down Planned Parenthood.
8
To Valerie
I feel that you are inhabiting an ivory tower too, just a different one from the author.
In 25 years of practice I have encountered a large number of single women with multiple children, usually from different fathers. They have Medicaid, CHIP, welfare and abortion available at city hospitals. Yet they have multiple children and depend heavily (or exclusively) on their mothers for babysitting, housing, financial support. They often repeat what they have learned all their life. And that is the saddest story. I have never met a woman who could not have an abortion because of lack of insurance. Maybe California is different.
I am a liberal "progressive": acknowledging these complex and unpleasant realities may help our political goals
I feel that you are inhabiting an ivory tower too, just a different one from the author.
In 25 years of practice I have encountered a large number of single women with multiple children, usually from different fathers. They have Medicaid, CHIP, welfare and abortion available at city hospitals. Yet they have multiple children and depend heavily (or exclusively) on their mothers for babysitting, housing, financial support. They often repeat what they have learned all their life. And that is the saddest story. I have never met a woman who could not have an abortion because of lack of insurance. Maybe California is different.
I am a liberal "progressive": acknowledging these complex and unpleasant realities may help our political goals
2
After my parents divorced I rarely saw my father - perhaps four times while I was growing up and before he died. My sister, who was born with multiple birth defects, never saw her father after that divorce when she was a toddler. It was left to our mother to oversee all of her medical needs.
I don't know if either sent child support - my mother worked as a waitress to support us. They left because it was easier for them and because they could - no responsibilities, no worries, stress or anguish.
Those two fathers were educated, from middle-class backgrounds, Jewish and white. No doubt they too would have pleaded for understanding, blaming circumstances, youth and undying love for their children left behind. Or perhaps they would have blamed my mother for being difficult and demanding, always worrying about money.
But they still left so this column should not reconstruct an ideal that in most instances does not exist.
I don't know if either sent child support - my mother worked as a waitress to support us. They left because it was easier for them and because they could - no responsibilities, no worries, stress or anguish.
Those two fathers were educated, from middle-class backgrounds, Jewish and white. No doubt they too would have pleaded for understanding, blaming circumstances, youth and undying love for their children left behind. Or perhaps they would have blamed my mother for being difficult and demanding, always worrying about money.
But they still left so this column should not reconstruct an ideal that in most instances does not exist.
31
I don't have the answers here, but I'm pretty sure defunding Planned Parenthood, criminalizing abortion, and building more prisons are not part of the solution.
36
My parents were married. My dad came home to get his laundry done and then left. My siblings and I were 9, 13, and 16 when my mom filed for a divorce. We never would have seen him again if his own mother hadn't hired a someone to find him. I was 21 when I saw him again. Once I knew where he lived, I waited in a car for hours just to get a glimpse of him. I knew he went to his lake house every Friday, so I parked a block away and waited for him to walk out his door. I often wondered what it would've been like to have to had a biological father present during my school years. My sister and I eventually met him, but my brother never wanted to see him again. My dad died a few years after we met him again. We were raised in an upper middle class neighborhood down the street from a Senator, so money wasn't the problem. Dad left and never attempted to contact or see us again. My mom never tried to get even a penny from him. And she never said a bad word about him until I was in my 50's. He never had any other children.
14
I wonder if the authors looked at the role of the 'man in the house' exclusion for public assistance that was in effect well into the 1960's?
14
This. 100%. Also why many of these statistics aren't even accurate- because families can't be honest about dad's level of involvement and Kelly their benefits.
2
"The stable two-parent family is what we want." David, you purport to know how others with fewer privileges think and behave. Are you presenting real scenarios or are you free-associating what you assume to be the case? You make human beings' difficult choices and life lessons sound like the robotic options of hopelessly incorrigible misfits. Social engineering, whether from the right or the left, is a modern-day "we know better" nobles oblige. Yes, two committed, loving parents is the ideal but better a loving one-parent household than a violent or otherwise abusive situation with two parents.
4
In the first paragraph you repeat the typical "litany" of complaints, abandonment, physical violence and promiscuity.
In the rest of the article you try to portray a different perspective but only on the abandonment and promiscuity issues. No mention of violence.
We get to hear the fathers' version, their reasons for abandoning the children and mothers. But curiously, we never hear the fathers' version for why they engaged in physical violence against their own children and the mothers.
Why is that?
Did the researchers not ask probing questions with regard to that? If not, why not? Why only part of the story?
If they did ask the probing questions, what were the answers and why were they not repeated in this article?
The irresponsibility on the part of both the fathers and mothers, to NOT use contraception, is extreme, and typical, I would add, of young adults. How many of these parents are young, too young, not attending college and maybe without even a high school diploma?
There is so much more going on here. I feel this "Doing the Best I Can" could probably have been done much better.
In the rest of the article you try to portray a different perspective but only on the abandonment and promiscuity issues. No mention of violence.
We get to hear the fathers' version, their reasons for abandoning the children and mothers. But curiously, we never hear the fathers' version for why they engaged in physical violence against their own children and the mothers.
Why is that?
Did the researchers not ask probing questions with regard to that? If not, why not? Why only part of the story?
If they did ask the probing questions, what were the answers and why were they not repeated in this article?
The irresponsibility on the part of both the fathers and mothers, to NOT use contraception, is extreme, and typical, I would add, of young adults. How many of these parents are young, too young, not attending college and maybe without even a high school diploma?
There is so much more going on here. I feel this "Doing the Best I Can" could probably have been done much better.
9
Honestly, this column reads mostly as if it's a pitch for a screenplay. A good one at that.
However, I think it would be much more helpful to question how many of these fathers just don't want to marry a woman who has a low income or is poor. This is not a new problem. Perhaps these days a college degree is the modern equivalent of a dowry.
I agree marriage and a stable two-parent family is the best way for both parents to build wealth and invest in and protect their family. Perhaps these fathers start with the best intentions but end up pushing much of their responsibility on to the mother and the welfare system. For low income young women it seems there is no guaranteed way out of poverty but to attain a college degree before marriage.
Birth control really shouldn't be valued higher than a proper education. I assume, in general, it's seen as a cheaper public policy option than affordable quality college education, but given all the debates about abortions, taxpayer support for family planning still becomes a political obstacle in many ways.
However, I think it would be much more helpful to question how many of these fathers just don't want to marry a woman who has a low income or is poor. This is not a new problem. Perhaps these days a college degree is the modern equivalent of a dowry.
I agree marriage and a stable two-parent family is the best way for both parents to build wealth and invest in and protect their family. Perhaps these fathers start with the best intentions but end up pushing much of their responsibility on to the mother and the welfare system. For low income young women it seems there is no guaranteed way out of poverty but to attain a college degree before marriage.
Birth control really shouldn't be valued higher than a proper education. I assume, in general, it's seen as a cheaper public policy option than affordable quality college education, but given all the debates about abortions, taxpayer support for family planning still becomes a political obstacle in many ways.
5
Unplanned children born to tenuously connected unmarried couples start out already behind in life. There is no commitment between the parents, and this new baby adds stress, responsibility and expense to the equation.
It is heartening to read that research shows fathers want to be involved in their baby's life and want to be part of it. Unfortunately for the child, there is a certain intimacy and cooperation involved in co-parenting. The adults are in and out of each other's homes and interact with each other's family and need to know a bit about each other's "business." If the relationship was only temporary or casual this starts to grate on people's nerves especially when the adults move on and eventually try to have a deeper long-lasting relationship with someone else.
This child sometimes becomes "baggage" that threatens the new relationship. It is heartbreaking to see the effects of this on children. Some of the saddest memories of my career in early childhood education was seeing these kids shunted aside, resented and neglected when future partners came and left the scene. I dried many tears and did my absolute best but the wreckage was frequently searing.
Any program that can help parents who do not remain couples to cooperatively parent their child and to commit to treasuring this child through all future relationships is worth every penny.
It is heartening to read that research shows fathers want to be involved in their baby's life and want to be part of it. Unfortunately for the child, there is a certain intimacy and cooperation involved in co-parenting. The adults are in and out of each other's homes and interact with each other's family and need to know a bit about each other's "business." If the relationship was only temporary or casual this starts to grate on people's nerves especially when the adults move on and eventually try to have a deeper long-lasting relationship with someone else.
This child sometimes becomes "baggage" that threatens the new relationship. It is heartbreaking to see the effects of this on children. Some of the saddest memories of my career in early childhood education was seeing these kids shunted aside, resented and neglected when future partners came and left the scene. I dried many tears and did my absolute best but the wreckage was frequently searing.
Any program that can help parents who do not remain couples to cooperatively parent their child and to commit to treasuring this child through all future relationships is worth every penny.
6
This seems a rather simplistic view of a very complicated problem. Mr. Brooks seems to forget that it takes two to make a child, and at least two people share the responsibilities of raising it. And why just blame dads? I've seen plenty of women who cut dads out of their kids' lives however they can, including accusations of abuse and neglect. Apparently just to be mean. Or for revenge or payback or money. Two can play at the deadbeat game. Long term, free birth control provided without questions from the age of 16 might help. And maybe some shame (not condemnation) at bringing another life into the world without being in a committed relationship.
2
As a father of three young daughters (7,3 and 1), I cannot fathom how any man would leave his children (or wife for that matter). I love my family to death, I hate myself for working 9-11 hours to provide for them and have my wife stay at home because when I come home I am too tired to give them the love and the attention they need. But still I strive to be present with them instead of thinking of work, sports, movies or other distractions. So my message to all my fellow fathers, and to myself, is to man up. Stop thinking so much about yourself and be there for them, as a saint once said "Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received - only what you have given: a full heart, enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage."
10
More men like you are required. Too bad we have too many man-children.
Until we make contraception, including vasectomies, implants, IUDs and condoms, available for free to all citizens, this national crisis will continue. We must overcome the cultural and religious objections and acknowledge that these are irrational and counterproductive to a vibrant future world.
10
You need to find another word than "biological" father. I grew up without my biological father; I was adopted as an infant.
1
Mr. Brooks us way off base. Can you say "commitment"? First commitment to the man's partner(wife to us traditionalists) and finally to the child/children. It all comes down to commitment and responsibility for one's actions - both of which are in too short supply. Our society needs to remember that there are consequences to every action.
9
Those people are simply not ready to reproduce. It's sad, but they can barely take responsibility for their own lives when they have to be totally responsible for little children. These so called parents are really children themselves. They haven't found themselves and are still developing when they conceived children. They need to grow up before they can watch their kids grow up. We shouldn't encourage unprotected sex to couples that don't want the big responsibility for rearing children. They are not really on the same page. Marriage is a big commitment but bringing children into the world is even bigger. We really shouldn't encourage sex until they have commitment to raising children or access to contraceptives. If they don't have either, they really should wait.
4
"They don’t really talk about pregnancy, but they sort of make it possible."
Talk about understatement.
How about a simple message could send to such folks: DON'T MAKE A CHILD WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOUR SPOUSE. Period. These men should be ashamed of themselves. And so should the mothers. This kind of behavior is nothing less than child abuse.
And society is complicit. Maybe if Mommy took "a very practical view of what they need in a man: Will this guy provide the financial stability I need" BEFORE she decided to produce a child with him, these stories wouldn't exist.
But the more practical view many women take is "Medicaid will pay for the child's birth and medical care. Food stamps will help me feed him. Section 8 will get me an apartment." And etc. And having a husband makes all of that problematic.
So, society is complicit. We condition tens of thousands in handouts expressly on horribly irresponsible behavior. People respond to incentives; provide a huge reward for out of wedlock births, that's precisely what you'll get. On some level, subsidies ALWAYS work.
If stable, two parent families is what we want, stop subsidizing single parenthood.
Talk about understatement.
How about a simple message could send to such folks: DON'T MAKE A CHILD WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOUR SPOUSE. Period. These men should be ashamed of themselves. And so should the mothers. This kind of behavior is nothing less than child abuse.
And society is complicit. Maybe if Mommy took "a very practical view of what they need in a man: Will this guy provide the financial stability I need" BEFORE she decided to produce a child with him, these stories wouldn't exist.
But the more practical view many women take is "Medicaid will pay for the child's birth and medical care. Food stamps will help me feed him. Section 8 will get me an apartment." And etc. And having a husband makes all of that problematic.
So, society is complicit. We condition tens of thousands in handouts expressly on horribly irresponsible behavior. People respond to incentives; provide a huge reward for out of wedlock births, that's precisely what you'll get. On some level, subsidies ALWAYS work.
If stable, two parent families is what we want, stop subsidizing single parenthood.
4
Was reading somewhere recently about many couples not marrying because they would lose various benefits if married.
2
Any social problem? What's the liberal go-to solution? Diverting even more tax dollars to fund usless pie-in-the-sky programs and economic hand outs. What a waste. Let's not forget it was the liberal policies of the 1960s that contributed the disintegration of the African-American nuclear family in the first place. And maybe Mayor Emmanuel should spent less time pandering to dead-beat dads and more time trying to stop people from being shot.
5
American culture force feeds boys a steady diet of Homer Simpson male role models and treats fathers like second class parents and then wonders why so many men fail at parenting.
1
Are you simply casting about for random topics to address instead of the imploding executive branch? Pointless essays on social activists of 1917, fatherless kids. Next week please write about how youth sports provides that social anchor we all need to rebuild a great America.
Also, all of your columns come to the irrelevant conclusion: "It would be great if society could...."
The real problem is economics, David. Wake up. And economics is not helped by Republican tax breaks to the ultra wealthy, when income inequality is at historical levels already, and millions of people cannot afford even the most basic aspects of a stable life.
Millions of people don't have a stable place to live, healthy food to eat, or healthcare, and you want to give tax breaks to people driving $100,000 cars, living in mansions, and flitting around the world for pleasure. And you write essays without conclusions about fatherless kids.
Get off your philosophical emptiness and view the world through the lens of facts rather than inaccurate, vapid and inhumane theories
Also, all of your columns come to the irrelevant conclusion: "It would be great if society could...."
The real problem is economics, David. Wake up. And economics is not helped by Republican tax breaks to the ultra wealthy, when income inequality is at historical levels already, and millions of people cannot afford even the most basic aspects of a stable life.
Millions of people don't have a stable place to live, healthy food to eat, or healthcare, and you want to give tax breaks to people driving $100,000 cars, living in mansions, and flitting around the world for pleasure. And you write essays without conclusions about fatherless kids.
Get off your philosophical emptiness and view the world through the lens of facts rather than inaccurate, vapid and inhumane theories
6
Really, I agree.
Perhaps if David seriously looked at himself in the mirror and determined what part he played even in this issue, i.e.: did he raise a son to free wheel around town and sow his oats and hide his daughter in the attic--or did he himself sow his own oats while girls of his age at the the time were told to be prim and proper? this article would have had a lot more value if he had written it from that perspective.
As it is, it's the same old David, waxing eloquent about all kinds of things that he would really like to change about society, but I don't read about him owning up to the way society is structured...and he surely plays apart as we all do. And I don't read how he's going to change himself.
These making society better editorials with lofty ideals are getting boring.
Get real David, that will be much more interesting.
How about writing about how hard it is for you to understand the common man. That would make a great editorial.
Perhaps if David seriously looked at himself in the mirror and determined what part he played even in this issue, i.e.: did he raise a son to free wheel around town and sow his oats and hide his daughter in the attic--or did he himself sow his own oats while girls of his age at the the time were told to be prim and proper? this article would have had a lot more value if he had written it from that perspective.
As it is, it's the same old David, waxing eloquent about all kinds of things that he would really like to change about society, but I don't read about him owning up to the way society is structured...and he surely plays apart as we all do. And I don't read how he's going to change himself.
These making society better editorials with lofty ideals are getting boring.
Get real David, that will be much more interesting.
How about writing about how hard it is for you to understand the common man. That would make a great editorial.
3
Again, I will ask: where does MR. TRUMP fit into this scenario???
Please explain.
Please explain.
2
proof of your theory: Donald Trump.
money - even ill-gotten money - can't buy brains.
money - even ill-gotten money - can't buy brains.
2
Wow, David...you are really giving these self-indulgent dudes way too much credit for any cerebral thought on the subject of birthing babies.
They live in a fantasy culture seen on TV, in films and on video games, where a real man just has babies, does not care for them...that's women work.
They rarely have experienced reciprocal sincere love and therefore don't (can't) offer it.
It starts with young teen males having sex and the girl is left with the results if she has had no protection, the cycle continues into young adulthood and adulthood.
As a man who waiting until I was in my 30s to have children because I wanted to have the ability to financially afford the responsibility, these man-children do not deserve the honor of being called "father." They are breeders.
They live in a fantasy culture seen on TV, in films and on video games, where a real man just has babies, does not care for them...that's women work.
They rarely have experienced reciprocal sincere love and therefore don't (can't) offer it.
It starts with young teen males having sex and the girl is left with the results if she has had no protection, the cycle continues into young adulthood and adulthood.
As a man who waiting until I was in my 30s to have children because I wanted to have the ability to financially afford the responsibility, these man-children do not deserve the honor of being called "father." They are breeders.
5
How to fix? Make some relevant, effective public policy. Get religious fanatics out of the curriculum business and off the school boards. Get real. Sex education. Easy access to birth control. Using the c-word -- CONDOM -- with teens. Biology classes that are actually relevant to young people's lives. Classes that teach life skills, like how to manage money, how to write a resume, how to navigate the world. How to create a relationship, or better, what a relationship is. How to live effectively and thrive
in the modern world. Imagine how many jobs mandatory courses that teach these skills would create. Imagine the consequences. And don't forget that most of the people on public assistance are white. It's not all about poor black people "in the ghetto." It's about everyone everywhere. As a society we need to wake up and realize that we are all connected, and bear responsibility for each other. We are one nation, a big family, and it's time we started acting like it. If it works in Scandinavia, it can work here.
in the modern world. Imagine how many jobs mandatory courses that teach these skills would create. Imagine the consequences. And don't forget that most of the people on public assistance are white. It's not all about poor black people "in the ghetto." It's about everyone everywhere. As a society we need to wake up and realize that we are all connected, and bear responsibility for each other. We are one nation, a big family, and it's time we started acting like it. If it works in Scandinavia, it can work here.
3
Remember the Million Man March? Wasn't it a call for men to rally and become better fathers?
I remember thinking how willing everyone was to condemn this population for bad parenting.
I remember being furious at how certain white guys got a huge pass for the same behavior. Certain white guys got a huge pass. They were fawned over. They were adulated. I remember being revolted by the likes of Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger. Guys who left all number of children in their wake. Same behavior. Big pass.
They should have been shunned. Who are we, us, who participated in this idolizing the rich and famous rock stars and actors? Ashamed anyone??
I remember thinking how willing everyone was to condemn this population for bad parenting.
I remember being furious at how certain white guys got a huge pass for the same behavior. Certain white guys got a huge pass. They were fawned over. They were adulated. I remember being revolted by the likes of Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger. Guys who left all number of children in their wake. Same behavior. Big pass.
They should have been shunned. Who are we, us, who participated in this idolizing the rich and famous rock stars and actors? Ashamed anyone??
5
This is romantic nonsense. Children of the population discussed here are the end result of women ensnaring men for financial support with the help of entitlement bureaucracies, and emasculated men viewing babies as proof of their macho sexual prowess. These are patterns passed down over generations of poverty, lack of hope for a productive future, and zero insight into their own motivations. These babies are objects, commodities to be acquired and discarded for the next false promise.
4
Mr. Brooks, I'm surprised to find your article so sexist, always placing the blame or responsibility on the woman: "the men are less likely to want an abortion" -- how noble of them! Or could it be because they're not the one stuck with the kid to take care of? It's a shame Republicans are against abortion -- as Gail Collins said, the Republicans love you until you're born! And: "These guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives" poor souls -- and the gals grow up in a bed of roses? And "before you get off the pill" -- where's the condom here?
9
Just because you can have a child doesn't mean you should. Support Planned Parenthood.
7
So in a nutshell, the deadbeat dads "care", but not enough to commit to the mother of their child and change their habits.
Cry me a river.
Cry me a river.
13
Shoplifters, pickpockets and other petty crooks have their fantasies, too.
3
My thoughts .. women have babies. With men. So by all that is right and just, the man and woman should be responsible for that/those children they make and bring into the world.
For me ... there is No Excuse .. especially in the USA.
Look at those skeletons walking with babies in their arms in nations , of course not the USA, and they don't give away or kill the babies do they ? no, they hold them in their arms and do everything they can to care for them and protect them.
There is NO Excuse .. NONE ... for any man to leave his children .. money or not, love for the mother of his children or not ... he is leaving his child/children. It is the man ... do not try to find an excuse for a sorry excuse of a man.
For me ... there is No Excuse .. especially in the USA.
Look at those skeletons walking with babies in their arms in nations , of course not the USA, and they don't give away or kill the babies do they ? no, they hold them in their arms and do everything they can to care for them and protect them.
There is NO Excuse .. NONE ... for any man to leave his children .. money or not, love for the mother of his children or not ... he is leaving his child/children. It is the man ... do not try to find an excuse for a sorry excuse of a man.
5
What a refreshing break from all the political opinion pieces! And what a load of bat guano!!!! This "study" focused on only one segment of absent fathers. The poorer ones. The immature ones. The less well educated ones. By focusing on these fathers it perpetuates many myths, particularly at the lower/working class end. As usual, Brooks glosses over the the abusive men, ignores reproductive coercion, and denies the fact that for many of these men it is not so much excitement over becoming a father, as it is proving masculinity by impregnating a woman.
Although income inequality contributes significantly to the limited options & success for these men, we NEED to listen to those children whose fathers are absent about WHY they are absent. Battering, sexual coercion or assault, substance abuse, criminal behavior. Not all to be sure, but many. Did these researchers think they were going to get honesty or the full story from these guys? And what about all the well educated, well employed dads who choose to be absent? You think they're a lot different? The nuclear family is the big problem. Kids don't need two parents. They just need enough loving relatives/adults to meet their needs. Tribal communities have always known this. Extended families not only provide a buffer against the social ills of parents, but can tend to reduce those social ills in the first place.
Although income inequality contributes significantly to the limited options & success for these men, we NEED to listen to those children whose fathers are absent about WHY they are absent. Battering, sexual coercion or assault, substance abuse, criminal behavior. Not all to be sure, but many. Did these researchers think they were going to get honesty or the full story from these guys? And what about all the well educated, well employed dads who choose to be absent? You think they're a lot different? The nuclear family is the big problem. Kids don't need two parents. They just need enough loving relatives/adults to meet their needs. Tribal communities have always known this. Extended families not only provide a buffer against the social ills of parents, but can tend to reduce those social ills in the first place.
3
Ah, this is such classic David Brooks. Take a study, novelize it, then act as if most of the problem is one of culture or morality. Then suggest that most of the solution is culture or moral preaching. Brooks has a slight nod at the end to economic support programs, but it's more like a caveat.
It's the same tired horse I wrote about in 2013, "David Brooks is a Cultural Problem." Just a few updates, same analysis: http://www.livinganthropologically.com/2013/05/21/cultural-problem/
It's the same tired horse I wrote about in 2013, "David Brooks is a Cultural Problem." Just a few updates, same analysis: http://www.livinganthropologically.com/2013/05/21/cultural-problem/
4
It's not just "poor" children's fathers who leave, or who hit their mothers, have drug and alcohol problems, etc.
Seattle, WA
Seattle, WA
10
Paul Krugman is off today...and so is David Brooks. He effectively blames the mother for seeking a stable, financially supportive mate/father for her child. Thank goodness at least one parent is switched on. And as for his prescription for the single parent malady...abstinence and cash. Seriously? What are you on, David, to make you so off?
8
This is the worse case of white bias masquerading as science that I've heard about or read. Single motherhood has as many reasons as stars in the sky. To drill down and find a nugget (women trade up) is idiotic irrespective of early goodwill or not. Brooks, you need to get a job teaching sociology to third graders.
3
Oh dear, why would you inflict him on third graders? He'd do better off with octogenarians, who at least have some mature view of the world.
Eastern cultures stigmatizing multiple out wedlock births generate personal wealth enabling menial employment for perpetual baby momma.
Dog whistling much? So Brooks is suddenly an expert sociologist, with a particular focus on deadbeat African-American fathers, because he read an account based on Philadelphia and Camden? Two cities with substantial black populations?
Is there an editor at this supposedly librul paper? I wonder if Brooks would have written a similar article based on an account of white deadbeat dads from struggling white communities. You know, the places where folks sport "Make America Great Again" hats and t-shirts, too stupid to notice the "Made in China" attachment, or too dumb to care.
Is there an editor at this supposedly librul paper? I wonder if Brooks would have written a similar article based on an account of white deadbeat dads from struggling white communities. You know, the places where folks sport "Make America Great Again" hats and t-shirts, too stupid to notice the "Made in China" attachment, or too dumb to care.
4
Men leave because they can. The mother and the mother's family or friends or the government will step in when they chose to step out. How many mothers leave their child with the father?
7
This entire article is saturated with an inherent ignorance for the women's perspective and feelings in these situations. While you were busy victimizing the experiences of men in this position, not once did you take a look at what it means to be a woman who is looking at the harsh reality of pregnancy and raising a child with a man who may or may not commit.
In fact, the only time you focused on women was to demonized them into this antiquated "gold digger" stereotype. Instead of looking at their pragmatism as something positive and understandable, you once again perpetuated this "poor man" notion by saying women were merely concerned about finances and forced the man out of the equation by being difficult and nagging. Women are only concerned about raising up? How about the women who are solely focused on establishing a better life for themselves and their children by working multiple jobs and being the strong independent role model in the child's life.
I'm also astonished that you would romanticize men looking for love by having children. Repeating the same mistake over and over is not something to be admired. It's irresponsible and selfish.
I'm not trying to insinuate that they're aren't fathers out there who do love their children unconditionally or maybe wished for better circumstance. But what's missing in this article are the feelings of those that truly matter- the mothers and their children who have been abandoned. Not the ones who abandoned them.
In fact, the only time you focused on women was to demonized them into this antiquated "gold digger" stereotype. Instead of looking at their pragmatism as something positive and understandable, you once again perpetuated this "poor man" notion by saying women were merely concerned about finances and forced the man out of the equation by being difficult and nagging. Women are only concerned about raising up? How about the women who are solely focused on establishing a better life for themselves and their children by working multiple jobs and being the strong independent role model in the child's life.
I'm also astonished that you would romanticize men looking for love by having children. Repeating the same mistake over and over is not something to be admired. It's irresponsible and selfish.
I'm not trying to insinuate that they're aren't fathers out there who do love their children unconditionally or maybe wished for better circumstance. But what's missing in this article are the feelings of those that truly matter- the mothers and their children who have been abandoned. Not the ones who abandoned them.
2
Whatever the underlying cause, the woman usually winds up with the children when the partnership fails. And our government wants to get rid of Planned Parenthood, which at least would give them an option when an un-planned pregnancy occurs. He can't provide, or doesn't want to - so she's left raising the kids.
4
Children don't need fathers, and they don't need two parents. Its amazing that "'broken' family shaming" is still acceptable in a world where lesbians can raise adopted kids, polyamory is accepted and people can switch between genders. Yet we have people like David Brooks bemoaning single parenting -- the last family structure that still seems unacceptable in America.
3
"The stable two-parent family is what we want. A few economic support programs and a confident social script could make an enormous difference in getting us there."
All true, but good luck getting "a few economic support programs" out of a Republican administration. Won't happen.
All true, but good luck getting "a few economic support programs" out of a Republican administration. Won't happen.
4
Amazing. One word that never appears in this article is "money." From my experience as a psychologist who has done hundreds of custody and visitation evaluations, having or lacking the financial means to take care of your kids is crucial for father involvement. David Brooks obviously lives a cloistered existence where dealing with the realities of life are not necessary.
Rich, poor and in between parents often have trouble with their emotional bonds and have unrealistic romantic fantasies, whether married or not. From my experience, the vast majority of rich fathers stay in their kids lives because they can afford to support them. Often poor fathers abandon their kids, at least for a time, because they can't support them. It is driven by shame over that economic fact. And mothers often keep them away because they are not supporting their children, not paying child support. These realities also cause increased friction between the parents, further interfering with paternal involvement. This is not an excuse but much more of a "key weakness" than "the parents bond with each other."
Rich, poor and in between parents often have trouble with their emotional bonds and have unrealistic romantic fantasies, whether married or not. From my experience, the vast majority of rich fathers stay in their kids lives because they can afford to support them. Often poor fathers abandon their kids, at least for a time, because they can't support them. It is driven by shame over that economic fact. And mothers often keep them away because they are not supporting their children, not paying child support. These realities also cause increased friction between the parents, further interfering with paternal involvement. This is not an excuse but much more of a "key weakness" than "the parents bond with each other."
12
So fathers leave their children because their situation is difficult and complicated. Well, welcome to parenthood, because it is often difficult and complicated. Women almost never bail, some because they are stuck and some because they love their kids enough not to quit, not ever. So can we admit many dads just don't care enough about the children to work through the problems?
10
So much for adapting preconceived opinions to the facts being presented.
1
There has been a lot of research in this area and one of the findings has been that most men feel no obligation to support their children once they are no longer in a copulatory relationship with the child's mother. This may explain why over half of divorced or unmarried fathers pay no child support at all,
6
Fathers being absent isn't just a minority problem. Divorce is coming, maybe a little later, in white families too. If marriage gets hard, there's always another choice that looks better and easier from a distance. Reliable birth control is the only way to save kids from parents who 'made a mistake'. Young folks who can't support themselves shouldn't be trying to raise kids. They may love the kids but they're not giving them a stable home that they might if they waited and found the loyal mate first.
5
Not it is not just a minority problem but there is a class divide.
1
The laws in this country tend to favor women in a divorce or separation; a big reason why many guys don't want to commit. Also many women use the kids as a bargaining chip to extort money or otherwise manipulate the men. This further drives men away; making it a self fulfilling prophecy.
So, I guess it is a the mother/woman's problem? "She was too bossy" Or "They dream of the perfect soul mate. They know this woman isn’t it, so they are still looking." Being a parent or an adult in general means having some sense of discipline. Leaving a child behind because you want to find a soul mate sounds so immature. Look, Americans need to revisit their views on sex. If you want to have sex with different people then use birth control, including men. If you want to settle down and willing to take responsibly for bringing up a child then you need to talk with your partner - if you can't then you aren't ready for sex and certain not ready to be a parent.
13
Women's body, agency, free abortion choice. Men's role whether supporting, fleeing should be voluntary.
2
WRT poor people having children: How do you tell someone with no money and no power to stop doing the one thing that gives them pleasure?
2
Is that one thing that gives them pleasure still pleasurable when they can't support the child(ren) that their pleasure produces?
"Find someone you love before you have intercourse." Perhaps having sex before you marry is not necessarily a bad idea. Much is revealed about a person through sexual encounters---sharing, gentleness, compassion, humor, values, etc.
2
David, bravo for tackling this issue! I think it would be wise to return to Daniel Patrick Moynihan's controversial (among black leaders) and influential 1965 report: "The Negro Family, The Case for National Action," to see if there is any common ground with "The Best I Can." He maintained that the lack of jobs to enable fathers to support their families would be the biggest factor in the abandonment of their children and would lead to a significant increase in single-parent households, poverty, low education, and other negative outcomes. I do think that one factor normalizing abandonment is the significant role grandparents have in raising single-parent children.
2
the inference in the lead sentence of this commentary is that it is 'poor' children that suffer from absconding papas. hardly. mr. brooks has shown us once again how absent he is from the world outside his particular bubble.
7
Wrong Kate. Do your homework. Problem exists across classes of course but a much, much bigger problem in lower classes. Until we learn to speak the truth, problems won't be solved. #facts matter.
2
I hope I'm not the only one appalled by this article. Once again, the referenced studies notwithstanding, fathers are given a pass.
"The fathers often retain a traditional and idealistic “Leave It to Beaver” view of marriage. They dream of the perfect soul mate. They know this woman isn’t it, so they are still looking." Mothers dream of this too. But they continue to support and nurture their children.
"The father begins to perceive the mother as bossy, just another authority figure to be skirted. Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable in her eyes." Aha. So their dereliction of duty is the mothers' fault. I see. She's bossy. Sad. He has run-ins with the law etc but the problem is that she sees him as a loser, not that he IS a loser.
Mothers have hopes and dreams and visions of picket fences too. But when they're disappointed, they soldier on, behaving like adults. Because society demands that of them. We don't demand the same responsible behavior from men.
Where have I heard this before? It's so disheartening. The old double standard.
"The fathers often retain a traditional and idealistic “Leave It to Beaver” view of marriage. They dream of the perfect soul mate. They know this woman isn’t it, so they are still looking." Mothers dream of this too. But they continue to support and nurture their children.
"The father begins to perceive the mother as bossy, just another authority figure to be skirted. Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable in her eyes." Aha. So their dereliction of duty is the mothers' fault. I see. She's bossy. Sad. He has run-ins with the law etc but the problem is that she sees him as a loser, not that he IS a loser.
Mothers have hopes and dreams and visions of picket fences too. But when they're disappointed, they soldier on, behaving like adults. Because society demands that of them. We don't demand the same responsible behavior from men.
Where have I heard this before? It's so disheartening. The old double standard.
14
Maybe we should start by reintroducing shame into the mix. It is shameful to carelessly produce a child with someone you are not in a true relationship with and do not feel you can create a lasting marriage with. It is shameful not to marry before the child is born. It is shameful to subject yourself and your family to criminal activities. It is shameful to be so careless with yourself and your future offspring that you go around having sex with people you are not on the marriage track with. Decency and standards are not something to abjure but to embrace with joy.
5
Time for young fathers to stop fathering children if they're in tenuous relationships with their children's mothers. Condoms are cheap and plentiful.
4
I think that the Republicans should double tax on men who have children but don't live with the family. The Republicans' policies encourage women to have unwanted children, by reducing options for women, but men are free to walk out any time. Something is wrong with their heads.
6
Poverty has always existed and more acutely than now! In my grand parents days, in the 1920's and 1930's, people were literally dirt poor, people would quit school at the age of 14 or even younger, and yet people in the country side in spite of difficulties most people would not even fathom today, would wait to be married to have children, in other words to secure a breadwinner in the family even if that bread winner could not bring much. This country has so much to offer. Finish high school, attend a community college, get a job.... many immigrants come here, can't speak English, work 12 hours a day, difficult jobs to send there kids to school. There no reason to tolerate irresponsible breeding. Medicaid reimburse the pill, those who can afford a cell phone and McDonald can certainly afford condoms and spermicide. Many women control their fertility without hormonal contraceptives. People cannot expect everything from society without contributing anything to the community.
5
"People are rising up to provide that help." Except that in this conservative writer's view, the appropriate "help" turns out to be recruiting a poet! How about some assistance with housing costs, making health care affordable....oh no, might have to forego some of that big tax cut for the wealthy, can't have that! Get that poet up there, he'll fix it! He can read his poem at Rahm Emmanuel's inauguration! Is everyone feeling better yet?
4
My father abandoned my sister and me before I was a year old. We never heard from him again save for the $37.50 in child support each month. $37.50 a month!! He Went off to Korea, then college on the GI Bill, a profession, a new wife and family. What a rat!
7
They don't become deadbeat dads until they become dads. What do you think would happen if there were an across the board, 20k bonus to any woman who would get a tubal ligotomy at age 18? No questions asked, no qualification necessary? You know what would happen . " Hard Living on Clay Street " would become "Nobody Living on Clay Street" very quickly. But the powers that be who need those sheep to exploit would oppose it vigorously, in spite of the oceans of human misery that would dry up.
2
...and how about 20K bonuses to any man who gets a vasectomy at age 18?? Easier and cheaper than tubal ligations.
1
Fathers leave their children because they are cowards and lack responsibility. They lack maturity and are self centered and will never grow up. If they only knew the adverse effect this has on their children such as insecurity and their repeating this process, maybe they would rethink their position. These men must stop being so self absorbed and realize they are hurting their children and society. Children want to be brought up in a two-parent living arrangement and deserve no less. Stop thinking about yourself and think of someone else for a change.
6
I believe that this article is incorrect and seeks to lift up men who are undeserving. Used to becifvyou got a girl pregnant you accepted the responsibility. You knew back in the day if you got pregnant you were embarassed you had earned a reputation you either went off to aunt Sallys or you got married. That ment you needed to say no and keep your legs closed. I know a guy in my city has somewhere around 30 kids, rarely sees them, pays no support. Men leave women who get pregnant because we have taught them there are no real consequences for their actions. Its so easy to get pregnant and so easy to leave. Unwed pregnancy and divorce were things to be avoided and ashamed of. Stop making excuses for your children raise them to understand there are consequences for the things they do. Teach them right from wrong and to be ashamed when they make a poor choice.
6
As Mr. Brooks pointed out, there is a very simple solution to the problem of fatherless children. Pull up your pants and just say "No." (I'm talking to the guys here.) Don't have sex with women with whom you don't want to spend your life or with whom you don't want children. Nobody is holding a gun to your head, and the odds are very, very good that you will not die if you don't have sex. Or if you must have sex and don't want to take the time, the energy, or give up the money to support them (because even if you live with them, you still have to support them, and the cost to support them while living with them is greater than court-ordered child support), get a vasectomy first. Easy-peasy.
Conversely, if you do get married and have children, learn to control your temper and quit thinking that the world revolves around you. It doesn't. Once you get married, your world revolves around you and your wife and your children, as it should. Women are usually the ones who file for divorce, and there are usually good reasons for that. And it's not because she thinks that once she is divorced, she'll be on Easy Street. If she is willing to divorce you and lose social status, money and implied protection from predators, then the reason is you. It may be your drug use, your alcohol use, your beating her and the kids up, the emotional neglect, the verbal put-downs, your lack of ambition and/or employment, or lack of listening skills, but the problem is you. So don't be that guy.
Conversely, if you do get married and have children, learn to control your temper and quit thinking that the world revolves around you. It doesn't. Once you get married, your world revolves around you and your wife and your children, as it should. Women are usually the ones who file for divorce, and there are usually good reasons for that. And it's not because she thinks that once she is divorced, she'll be on Easy Street. If she is willing to divorce you and lose social status, money and implied protection from predators, then the reason is you. It may be your drug use, your alcohol use, your beating her and the kids up, the emotional neglect, the verbal put-downs, your lack of ambition and/or employment, or lack of listening skills, but the problem is you. So don't be that guy.
4
Oh, no. More poor white guy pity. They really, really want to be good dads. But, they...aren't/won't/don't. Period.
And here we are, everyone else, picking up the pieces. Financially, emotionally, professionally. Most of all, at the children's expense.
Stop excusing men's poor behaviour/racism/child-abandonment/willful ignorance. Enough.
The socio-economic dominant segment of the population doesn't get to complain when the laws, social systems and culture norms they created no longer suit them.
And here we are, everyone else, picking up the pieces. Financially, emotionally, professionally. Most of all, at the children's expense.
Stop excusing men's poor behaviour/racism/child-abandonment/willful ignorance. Enough.
The socio-economic dominant segment of the population doesn't get to complain when the laws, social systems and culture norms they created no longer suit them.
12
"Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill." You imply that birth control is available to everyone. Let's make that so in fact.
6
How expensive is birth control? Go to a local grocery and look. Cheaper than a fast food meal.
What Stella example our current president has set for the country for fatherhood. A philandering social conservative.
Even more mind boggling is women voted for him!
Even more mind boggling is women voted for him!
3
When life moves faster than you’re ready for, you either catch up, or fall behind. There is no sitting still.
1
The needs of men is not the issue here. It is the needs of the children who are abandoned. Let's praise the person who is not worrying about her own needs (the mom). If these men want to be respected parents then they can suck it up and do whatever it takes to stay in the kids' lives. Which is what women do every day.
4
I am, indeed, one of "those dads".
As I read David's article, I literally flashed back to that time when my then-wife and I split. If you have a child, and have been through an ugly separation, you realize that there is no one-right way to make sure that child doesn't suffer even if the parents don't get along. My ex-wife and I were never able to reconcile our differences, and put aside our anger an frustration with each other enough to think of our son first, and the effects of our split, and what that would mean to his life, growing into adulthood. The words, "a long, tragic process" fit exactly.
For me, in looking back, our son's life hinged, for better or worse, on the relationship my ex and I had. We couldn't get over ourselves enough to realize the likely detrimental effect it would have on our son.
At least in OUR case, there was a direct line between our relationship, and how our son made his way through the world. Nearly 40 years on, it still weighs heavily on my mind.
As I read David's article, I literally flashed back to that time when my then-wife and I split. If you have a child, and have been through an ugly separation, you realize that there is no one-right way to make sure that child doesn't suffer even if the parents don't get along. My ex-wife and I were never able to reconcile our differences, and put aside our anger an frustration with each other enough to think of our son first, and the effects of our split, and what that would mean to his life, growing into adulthood. The words, "a long, tragic process" fit exactly.
For me, in looking back, our son's life hinged, for better or worse, on the relationship my ex and I had. We couldn't get over ourselves enough to realize the likely detrimental effect it would have on our son.
At least in OUR case, there was a direct line between our relationship, and how our son made his way through the world. Nearly 40 years on, it still weighs heavily on my mind.
3
This is a great column -- a real public service, Mr. Brooks; the book you reference, "Doing The Best I Can," sounds like a potential game-changer. For decades, the orthodoxy has been that so-called "deadbeat dads" (usually assumed to be mostly African American) just don't care about their kids. As a father myself, I've always found that impossible to understand -- emotionally, I mean. The trajectory outlined here finally makes sense -- tragic for the kids first and foremost, but also tragic for so many of the fathers. And "tragic" is the word, because the love of a parent for a child is, in my experience, the strongest human bond that exists. Breaking a bond so strong tears something raw and bloody from both people; something that may heal but leaves terrible scars that probably never stop aching.
1
In the era of "All Things Trump", and while difficult (as a father of three) to read, thank you Mr. Brooks for writing something to remind us fathers of what is most important.
Best wishes to all fathers (especially those who are the subjects here, facing almost incomprehensible personal struggles) in our duty to actively raise children and share the load (or loads, when it comes to laundry) with our spouces, partners, or others in the quilt of extended families today.
While short term driven self-interest is all the rage, a "family first" mantra will win life's marathon.
Best wishes to all fathers (especially those who are the subjects here, facing almost incomprehensible personal struggles) in our duty to actively raise children and share the load (or loads, when it comes to laundry) with our spouces, partners, or others in the quilt of extended families today.
While short term driven self-interest is all the rage, a "family first" mantra will win life's marathon.
1
Somehow this analysis seems too simple.
It is easier to be a long-term parent than it is to be a long-term spouse. Children will tolerate more dysfunction in their parents than spouses will in their partners.
And it is in our DNA to reproduce. We know many people who intentionally had children but who could not find or who didn't even want long-term marital partners.
There is also that theory that there are two strategies for spreading one's genes: One is to have as many offspring as possible and a high percentage will live. The other is to have fewer and guard them well. Maybe we are up against a reproductive strategy that is built in, and impervious to intervention.
We don't have good historical data, but from what we do know it seems that fathers abandoning children (for one reason or another) has been occurring forever. It isn't a new thing.
We have no solutions. A male birth control pill that could be taken once a month (when one is sober) would probably make a difference, as then each act of intercourse would have a statistically smaller chance of producing a pregnancy.
But Brooks' solutions (find someone you love before you have intercourse, take time, produce a budget) are ones that require long-term planning and ignore the immediate, powerful forces operating on young adults to reproduce, especially after a night of partying.
We're both old, David, but don't you remember what it was like back then?
It is easier to be a long-term parent than it is to be a long-term spouse. Children will tolerate more dysfunction in their parents than spouses will in their partners.
And it is in our DNA to reproduce. We know many people who intentionally had children but who could not find or who didn't even want long-term marital partners.
There is also that theory that there are two strategies for spreading one's genes: One is to have as many offspring as possible and a high percentage will live. The other is to have fewer and guard them well. Maybe we are up against a reproductive strategy that is built in, and impervious to intervention.
We don't have good historical data, but from what we do know it seems that fathers abandoning children (for one reason or another) has been occurring forever. It isn't a new thing.
We have no solutions. A male birth control pill that could be taken once a month (when one is sober) would probably make a difference, as then each act of intercourse would have a statistically smaller chance of producing a pregnancy.
But Brooks' solutions (find someone you love before you have intercourse, take time, produce a budget) are ones that require long-term planning and ignore the immediate, powerful forces operating on young adults to reproduce, especially after a night of partying.
We're both old, David, but don't you remember what it was like back then?
I'm stunned that many men are flippant about using birth control; in effect, they are abandoning their sperm. If it's okay to abandon sperm, then I suppose it's okay to abandon the fruits of the sperm.
Seems to me that kids benefit from loving and supportive men (and women) who are consistently and dependably available, year after year, in their lives and serve as positive role models, cheerleaders, advisors and providers.
Is it that children lack reliable men in their lives or do they lack their specific father? I'd rather have a loving, consistent man in my kids' life than a live-in father who is focused on himself.
Seems to me that kids benefit from loving and supportive men (and women) who are consistently and dependably available, year after year, in their lives and serve as positive role models, cheerleaders, advisors and providers.
Is it that children lack reliable men in their lives or do they lack their specific father? I'd rather have a loving, consistent man in my kids' life than a live-in father who is focused on himself.
I have been a long time fan, reading your stuff, reading your book on character,(!). In this piece, I find you are not the man I came to adore.
1
I don't buy it. It's true that relationships born of unplanned pregnancies are prone to failure, but that does not translate into one parent abandoning the kid. Most of my friends come from split homes, but all of the successful ones have a father that had shared custody (at least). My own father never for a second considered leaving me when his marriage fell apart.
I'm sure that deadbeat dads would like to see themselves as good fathers... But they aren't willing to carry the burden. My cousin's dad is like that. He's got plenty of money and he's a great dad for awhile, but when he gets bored playing house he just moves on. He's done it four times now. Same story from a co-worker's baby mama. I don't get it, but you're not going to fix people like that unless it's with a vasectomy or an IUD.
I'm sure that deadbeat dads would like to see themselves as good fathers... But they aren't willing to carry the burden. My cousin's dad is like that. He's got plenty of money and he's a great dad for awhile, but when he gets bored playing house he just moves on. He's done it four times now. Same story from a co-worker's baby mama. I don't get it, but you're not going to fix people like that unless it's with a vasectomy or an IUD.
4
First of all, he only talks about poor people. Second, it is unlikely that fathers who leave their children "don't care". They "care" it s the level of caring that is the problem. These fathers "care" if they get a dent in their car or if their favorite baseball team loses. Caring about your child means raising her, loving him, sacrificing for him. It means putting that child's happiness ahead of your own. In this culture that expectation usually falls on mothers and society often gives men a free pass. That is true for father's that are rich, poor, black or white. I have practiced Family Law for over 30 years, and I can assure Mr. Brooks that this is a problem that crosses all racial and financial backgrounds.
1
Mr. Brooks, Some middle class and well to do fathers abandon their children also. They might do it for other reasons but they abandon them too. Let's not just make this about poverty or lack of education or resources. It can be one or all of the above but it isn't only the poor who abandon their children.
2
Note the statement "find someone you love before you have intercourse." What exact century are we living in? The next sentence says it right "make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill." Notice how a certain party is trying to shut down all the Planned Parenthood offices.
But then it's also true that planning ahead is less appealing unless you have something to plan ahead for. The problem is less women choosing to be single parents than poverty and uncertainty leading to the failure of love relationships, as it leads to so many other failures.
But then it's also true that planning ahead is less appealing unless you have something to plan ahead for. The problem is less women choosing to be single parents than poverty and uncertainty leading to the failure of love relationships, as it leads to so many other failures.
I work with a young man, well he's not THAT young - he's about 30. He has at least 4 children by three different mothers - and he's expecting another one to arrive any day now with a FOURTH woman. His salary is being garnished to help support one of the kids. He's in the middle of a paternity case of another. So what is he doing about it? He's starting a new relationship with another, very young woman ! He doesn't see the problem. Neither do his friends.
5
The philosophical core of America is neoliberalism it is the core of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders. The core of Judeo-Christianity is balance. We used to live 50 years, now we live 80 years. We used to live with need now we live with excess. There comes a time when roller coaster rides are no longer fun. There comes a time when a rising Dow only means the next decline will take us completely off the track.
Yesterday my wife turned on the TV too early and we got to hear the ignorant words of Chris Matthews talking about how boring Cuba was. I asked myself how many Americans would gladly settle for a lot less excitement in their lives.
When are Americans going to ask the most important question in living living a happy fulfilling rewarding life. Why do I have to run so fast just to remain in the same place?
We live in the richest, safest, most beautiful place that ever was. Our libraries are so full we don't know where to begin . We can watch any movie we want to watch and listen to any music we want to listen to. Why do we stay on this stupid treadmill that tires us out and doesn't take us anywhere? What is wrong with getting in touch with our souls?
Neoliberalism is a horrible disease when you already have too much stuff.
Yesterday my wife turned on the TV too early and we got to hear the ignorant words of Chris Matthews talking about how boring Cuba was. I asked myself how many Americans would gladly settle for a lot less excitement in their lives.
When are Americans going to ask the most important question in living living a happy fulfilling rewarding life. Why do I have to run so fast just to remain in the same place?
We live in the richest, safest, most beautiful place that ever was. Our libraries are so full we don't know where to begin . We can watch any movie we want to watch and listen to any music we want to listen to. Why do we stay on this stupid treadmill that tires us out and doesn't take us anywhere? What is wrong with getting in touch with our souls?
Neoliberalism is a horrible disease when you already have too much stuff.
2
It's easy for men to walk away. Not having carried a child inside them, been the main caretaker for dependent infants, they just don't have the connection that women have. Men walk away and don't think twice about not paying child support and never contacting their children again. They find the next woman, have her have more children for him and are still able to walk away yet again, not provide financial, physical or emotional support, and not feel any remorse for it. Admit it, men: you just don't love children the way women do. It's just too much responsibility, just too much hassle. Women with children are stuck--they have no choice.
3
Like nearly all social problems, this one could be solved by a deep transformation of the souls and characters of every human being. At that point, every pundit will be out of a job, so be careful what you wish for. Another solution in this case would be universal chastity, fidelity and devotion.
Till then, the obvious external factor that could greatly mitigate this problem is expanded use of the many birth-control techniques available.
Anyone who supports the "pro-life" movement should be aware that it is at present inextricably wedded to the "anti-birth-control" and "sex-shaming" movements that preceded it by 100 and 5,000 years respectively.
It is the responsibility of those who oppose abortion but not birth-control or sex itself to declare a loud and public divorce from those who do. David's implied shaming of intercourse before love is counter-productive. I defy you to show me any evidence that one's history of well-protected sex before choosing lovingly-partnered parenthood is any indicator of sub-par parental performance. Conversely, I guaranty you'll find ample evidence that feelings of shame about sex are positively correlated to unplanned pregnancy, and negatively to consistent use of protection.
Till then, the obvious external factor that could greatly mitigate this problem is expanded use of the many birth-control techniques available.
Anyone who supports the "pro-life" movement should be aware that it is at present inextricably wedded to the "anti-birth-control" and "sex-shaming" movements that preceded it by 100 and 5,000 years respectively.
It is the responsibility of those who oppose abortion but not birth-control or sex itself to declare a loud and public divorce from those who do. David's implied shaming of intercourse before love is counter-productive. I defy you to show me any evidence that one's history of well-protected sex before choosing lovingly-partnered parenthood is any indicator of sub-par parental performance. Conversely, I guaranty you'll find ample evidence that feelings of shame about sex are positively correlated to unplanned pregnancy, and negatively to consistent use of protection.
Thanks David.
Some fathers are good, some are bad, most are well meaning. Just like mothers.
All could use help, support, and encouragement, just like mothers.
But all too often we cast the mothers in the role of victim and the fathers in the role of victimizing deadbeat.
Thanks for pointing out that such demonization is nasty and counterproductive.
Instead, let's figure out how to make every child a fathered child. And let's try using the carrot from time to time instead of just giving fathers the stick.
Our society needs present and valued fathers. The kids deserve it. So do the dads. And the moms.
Some fathers are good, some are bad, most are well meaning. Just like mothers.
All could use help, support, and encouragement, just like mothers.
But all too often we cast the mothers in the role of victim and the fathers in the role of victimizing deadbeat.
Thanks for pointing out that such demonization is nasty and counterproductive.
Instead, let's figure out how to make every child a fathered child. And let's try using the carrot from time to time instead of just giving fathers the stick.
Our society needs present and valued fathers. The kids deserve it. So do the dads. And the moms.
Fathers leave their children for many reasons. Our dad left us alone in Glens Falls NY in about 1956. I was 8, my sister 5 and we also had a new brother that just arrived. We had no money, no car, little food or clothing (sometimes none) and the winters in Glens Falls were long and cold. There was little money for fuel oil that we often ran out of. Cold doesn't begin to describe misery.
I wrote earlier but the NYT lost it so I won't rehash it.
Dads leave and leave behind an emptiness that can't be filled. When you're a child and a father leaves everything is broken including a child's spirit. My sister and I made it as best we could. We both operated in survival mode as we dealt with our emptiness and our mother's. What we saw and what we remember, much of it is not repeatable. I'm 69 now and years later it still hurts. Mom never forgave dad. Strangely he came back at the end of 1959 but he ignored me until I was 16. One day I blurted out that I was afraid he would leave again. I hated him for a long time.
Fathers leave their wives, their children, their homes and their responsibilities. They leave us aching and hurt. One Chanukah mom bought my sister and I each a 50 cent toy. Mom cried when she gave us the gifts. It was the best she could do. She said she wanted us to have something. We were both very grateful and appreciative. That was special for us.
I never left my family. I came home every night for dinner. I took my kids to Disney World and cried with happiness.
I wrote earlier but the NYT lost it so I won't rehash it.
Dads leave and leave behind an emptiness that can't be filled. When you're a child and a father leaves everything is broken including a child's spirit. My sister and I made it as best we could. We both operated in survival mode as we dealt with our emptiness and our mother's. What we saw and what we remember, much of it is not repeatable. I'm 69 now and years later it still hurts. Mom never forgave dad. Strangely he came back at the end of 1959 but he ignored me until I was 16. One day I blurted out that I was afraid he would leave again. I hated him for a long time.
Fathers leave their wives, their children, their homes and their responsibilities. They leave us aching and hurt. One Chanukah mom bought my sister and I each a 50 cent toy. Mom cried when she gave us the gifts. It was the best she could do. She said she wanted us to have something. We were both very grateful and appreciative. That was special for us.
I never left my family. I came home every night for dinner. I took my kids to Disney World and cried with happiness.
12
Society used to frown on out of marriage. Sometime in the late sixities it became the thing to do. I believe it is a losing proposition for all the parties. We could start by not giving government aid to pregnant women. Many young women see pregnancy as a road to independance. She can set up a separate household out from under her mother. The father's role as provider is supplanted by the government welfare office. While this seems like a harsh solution in the long run it will benefit everyone most of all children being raised in one-parent homes.
5
In my own experience, young women without good job prospects are encouraged to get married and not be too choosy. Then these young people are 'dun and growed', and a parent's job is done.
There's no village. I was supporting my younger sister when I was 16, my husband was spanking my six-week-old infant when I was 20. The Mississippi judge said, "You made your bed you lie in it" when I divorced him and there was 'no' child support. I thought I was doing the Christian thing. My son graduated from Yale, it was a long road.
If you really want to change things, provide good jobs to young women. Women with good choices make more good choices, and the men get time to grow up.
There's no village. I was supporting my younger sister when I was 16, my husband was spanking my six-week-old infant when I was 20. The Mississippi judge said, "You made your bed you lie in it" when I divorced him and there was 'no' child support. I thought I was doing the Christian thing. My son graduated from Yale, it was a long road.
If you really want to change things, provide good jobs to young women. Women with good choices make more good choices, and the men get time to grow up.
4
I don't get the point of spending resources trying to get dead beat dads to not be dead beat dads. These finite resources should go directly to the non-dead beat parent and the children themselves.
Spending money on neglectful men only reinforces the message that somehow these men are needed. If they don't care about their children without a "bridge," then the children are better off without them. Let the children get on with their lives without false hope.
Spending money on neglectful men only reinforces the message that somehow these men are needed. If they don't care about their children without a "bridge," then the children are better off without them. Let the children get on with their lives without false hope.
3
Fathers love the stories they tell about their own heroism and the sense of injustice. I am a stepfather and I have heard it every which way but loose about how I robbed a man of his chance to be a father. I only strive to be a positive male role model for my stepsons. That means: having and keeping a job; not disappearing without a trace for months at a time on a week's notice; not trying to buy my kids' affection; not leaving a trail of tears in my wake. I accept that as a stepdad I might really only begin to have a real relationship with my kids when they overcome the feeling of guilt they have over the constructed story their father created about his departure that justifies his lifestyle and why his promises to them have not been delivered. Mr. Brooks would love the stories of these men to be true. The truth is that most men are mere children when they got the opportunity to become fathers. This sense of injustice among men who feel robbed of their god-given role permeates every step of society. You can blame any number of factors for why it happens. Blame the man instead.
8
A good reminder to women that in the end it is almost always the mother who ends up holding the bag. Not that she doesn't love her child(ren), but her options disappear with her partner.
4
I was with my son every dau until he was 9 and his mother and I separated. Judge allowed my son to "visit" with me 1 or 2 days a week. It broke my heart. I had a flexible job, I lived in the same neighborhood as my ex. Thew judge never listened to me in court. Bigotry against men like this would never be tolerated against women.
2
This article is pretty "easy" on a deserting father. The mother expects the father to support the child . . . then the father perceives the mother as bossy . . . then the father has run-ins with drugs, the law and other women, making him "look" more disreputable? Where is the accountability there? Both mothers and fathers often have idealistic views of parenthood - views that often are unrealistic or don't come to fruition - but the man doesn't get any more of a free pass for walking out than if a woman deserted her child. Unfortunately, too many men think that walking out is an option in the end in hard times, leaving a bad situation even worse in his wake.
3
Brooks does not speak of the pressures experienced by both men and women in a society where inequality reigns. He speaks romantically about "bridges" and "championing fatherhood" while omitting the hardships of eking out a living on a minimum wage job. He points the finger at the woman for being "bossy" and not using contraception properly. All this time the republicans continue to limit a woman's reproductive choices, stonewall any attempts to raise the minimum wage and now are intent on cutting healthcare to the most vulnerable, including the very children of whom Brooks speaks. Reproductive choice, a living wage and healthcare. Here are three bridges you forgot to mention, Brooks.
4
Wow, another great piece where David shows his keen understanding of psychology as well as his own humanity. I am struck by the number of Christians in my entourage who do not live up to the credo of their faith. As an atheist I do not believe in the reward of some fatherly figure in the sky to do what is right. It's just that I have to look at myself in the mirror when I shave in the morning. Tikun Olam.
1
American culture sends a relentless signal - through Hollywood movies, popular novels and articles such as this - that parenthood will give meaning yo your life. It won't. We are told to believe that the relationship with your kids is the most significant relationship you may have. It isn't. Before exhorting men to be better fathers, how about asking them why they want to be fathers at all? In most cases, as Mr. Brooks describes, it is because their lives are empty and they love nobody, not even themselves. Teach people that your relationship with your partner is far more significant than your relationship with your childre. Teach men and women how to seek true love and maintain it through marriage. Children are a nice supplement to a full life, not a substitute for it. And I speak as mother of two.
1
My uncle walked away from his wife & infant daughter 49 years ago for another woman and never looked back. Now 80 and widowed, he is alone. His jobs were all under-the-table so as to avoid paying child support. When it came time to collect Social Security, his earnings record was paltry. The loss of his partner's income has thrust him into poverty and he is lonely and becoming increasingly frail. His daughter and four adult grandsons are strangers to him by his own doing. What does she owe the man who was little more than a sperm donor? What do they owe this man they've never met?
4
I find it hard to believe that Mr. Brooks could write an article about fathers leaving their children without even mentioning the Fanily Court system. This system is so biased in favor of mothers that it essentially sponsors parental abandonment, to the detriment of he child. Love before intercourse, family planning, economic support programs , etc mean absolutely nothing when there is no Court to hold mothers accountable.
Let's also not lose sight of the fact that many mothers simply want to have a child, which is for many a lifelong goal (regardless of whether there is a father present), and collect 20 yrs of father- and gov- sponsored child support and maybe alimony. How much responsibility should lay with mothers who push fathers away, many times when the child is young? Then later in life, they're able to craft a different story painting themselves and their children as victims.
Woe is me.
Let's also not lose sight of the fact that many mothers simply want to have a child, which is for many a lifelong goal (regardless of whether there is a father present), and collect 20 yrs of father- and gov- sponsored child support and maybe alimony. How much responsibility should lay with mothers who push fathers away, many times when the child is young? Then later in life, they're able to craft a different story painting themselves and their children as victims.
Woe is me.
2
The fact that couples with a child don't marry anymore is epidemic. There is no social pressure for a commitment. Women accept this and men don't suffer any stigma when they walk away. The courts are embattled and responsible for collecting from deadbeat parents and often it is the child that suffers. And even though I was raised by a single parent, my father, it would have been a big benefit to have had two parents. At least my parents were married. Maybe it's the belief that women don't need men to carve out a life, they are emotionally and financially independent. But, the truth is that women and men left alone to raise a child or children are often in financial purgatory. And a stressed out parent can become an abusive and or emotionally negligent parent. I don't have any answers for this issue. Women still try and hold on to an elusive man by getting pregnant. Yes, even in these post feminist times. Often, it just pushes them farther away.
And then there's the cases of a postpartum period when the mom acts out anger, paranoia and grievances for months. Dad discovers that diaper changes, nutrition and childcare is a timeless joy and suddenly there's a competition to deal with.
Stop empowering the gratuitous "single mom" free pass and shaming Dad. He's out there and he's capable, strong and loving.
Stop empowering the gratuitous "single mom" free pass and shaming Dad. He's out there and he's capable, strong and loving.
Fathers are so important, and they need to hear from mothers (and from society): you have as great a role in your child's life as anyone else, and you can do it! Sometimes moms need to let dads have space to be a parent. (I speak as a mother who sees how much her child and stepchildren benefit from their dad's involvement, care, and commitment.)
Having said that... people shouldn't bring children into the world if they are not ready to be a responsible parent. Birth control and sex ed should be ubiquitous and free. Couples should use birth control unless they are in a long-term relationship and have seriously considered the consequences of having a child together. And men bear responsibility for birth control too! Condoms are advisable, and maybe one day there will be more and better options for male birth control. (The birth control pill has been around for over 50 years; it's crazy that there hasn't been a breakthrough for male birth control.)
Having said that... people shouldn't bring children into the world if they are not ready to be a responsible parent. Birth control and sex ed should be ubiquitous and free. Couples should use birth control unless they are in a long-term relationship and have seriously considered the consequences of having a child together. And men bear responsibility for birth control too! Condoms are advisable, and maybe one day there will be more and better options for male birth control. (The birth control pill has been around for over 50 years; it's crazy that there hasn't been a breakthrough for male birth control.)
1
Mr. Brooks has, in his measured and seasoned way, chosen an excellent time to write about the topic of fathers leaving their nest. One of the most telling of sentences in hindsight of a male is that he was 'A Family Man'. This forthcoming Sunday is Father's Day, not all of us are planning to celebrate the above in style, but this reader is planning to plant a tree in honor of mine and his offspring. Many thanks.
"Pregnancy is rarely planned among the populations they studied."
See lyrics to - I Was Your Steppin' Stone- from that disparaged singing group from the sixties, the Monkees, to get an idea of the psychology of this particular class.
Of course the college girls from the era hedged their bets, balancing desire for a career and/or matrimony. Tough to be a Bohemian with this set. But time marches on, we find a life's work & eventually the pursued becomes the pursuer & we arrive at mutual satisfaction. Wisdom!
For those abandoning ship in our past, log on to Facebook & eat your heart out.
See lyrics to - I Was Your Steppin' Stone- from that disparaged singing group from the sixties, the Monkees, to get an idea of the psychology of this particular class.
Of course the college girls from the era hedged their bets, balancing desire for a career and/or matrimony. Tough to be a Bohemian with this set. But time marches on, we find a life's work & eventually the pursued becomes the pursuer & we arrive at mutual satisfaction. Wisdom!
For those abandoning ship in our past, log on to Facebook & eat your heart out.
1
As someone who was abandoned by both father and mother, I find this article offensive, clueless and a punch in the gut. There is no excuse for abandoning one's child. Be Responsible. A child shouldn't have to suffer because of someone else's irresponsibility.
3
In what universe does not using birth control while having sex only "sort of make [pregnancy] possible"? These pregnancies are bad choices made by both parents, but women get to pay the social and emotional costs of the choice when fathers skip out in search of another conquest. While we are waiting for those bridges (it's been a long time since someone tried to sell me a bridge, much less seven of them) to be built, how about we support the women and children who are affected by male dereliction of duty now?
1
It's dereliction by both people. They both stopped the birth control!
After reading these comments it's quite clear that the biggest impediment to dads stepping up and raising the kids they helped create is - wait for it - the moms! Poor dads! They really do want to help with the kids and make sure they have 2 parents who love them but those mean old single moms just won't let them.
Seriously?
Let me offer up another possibility - you stunk as a husband/partner and father, you don't pay child support or you pay it sporadically, you only want to come around when it's convenient for you and you only want to do something fun with the kids. Does that sound familiar?
Bashing single moms even with an issue that's pretty complicated is lame.
Seriously?
Let me offer up another possibility - you stunk as a husband/partner and father, you don't pay child support or you pay it sporadically, you only want to come around when it's convenient for you and you only want to do something fun with the kids. Does that sound familiar?
Bashing single moms even with an issue that's pretty complicated is lame.
2
A very complex process, an editorial can barely devote enough space to even discuss the idea of beginning a discussion of this topic.
Family of origin, living with challenging economic and educational disparities and a culture that STILL tells boys they can sow their oats(not sure how the new version
Is crafted) and tells girls to be sweet, nice and good, and a plethora of other issues impact this complex relationship process.
Until we start treating boys and girls THE SAME WAY when it comes to SEX this will continue. Add lack of access to birth control and poor understanding of responsibility and what it takes to raise a baby, and, many other factors, including triangling--putting the chikdren in the middle of relationship challenges, and not teaching children how to have a genuine commitment to self and then other, this challenge will continue.
We could start addressing this by looking at our own limitations and work on self and understand our own family dynamics...THEN the research could be integrated into an understanding that might lead to small steps that could begin to address this issue.
Getting rid of healthcare for many will ensure that this problem is magnified. Add significant cuts to education, demonization of birth control and Americans can look forward to more babies, fathers and mothers in this situation.
Whatever.
Family of origin, living with challenging economic and educational disparities and a culture that STILL tells boys they can sow their oats(not sure how the new version
Is crafted) and tells girls to be sweet, nice and good, and a plethora of other issues impact this complex relationship process.
Until we start treating boys and girls THE SAME WAY when it comes to SEX this will continue. Add lack of access to birth control and poor understanding of responsibility and what it takes to raise a baby, and, many other factors, including triangling--putting the chikdren in the middle of relationship challenges, and not teaching children how to have a genuine commitment to self and then other, this challenge will continue.
We could start addressing this by looking at our own limitations and work on self and understand our own family dynamics...THEN the research could be integrated into an understanding that might lead to small steps that could begin to address this issue.
Getting rid of healthcare for many will ensure that this problem is magnified. Add significant cuts to education, demonization of birth control and Americans can look forward to more babies, fathers and mothers in this situation.
Whatever.
1
It is generally considered poor form to announce one's disinclination to participate in the life of one's child. Even among those populations where pregnancy outside of marriage is routine and where marriage is vanishingly rare, most men expect themselves, their brothers, their friends, to step-up and be a dad; a study to determine that men say they want to be dads is hardly revealing. Where the rubber meets the road is translating these nebulous sentiments into the grinding responsible behaviors encompassed in that stepping-up into being a dad.
Making babies is a blast; raising them is not quite so fun. Most young men aren't much enchanted with babies. Sure, he might enjoy showing off with the new baby, but daddy soon finds himself slighted and bored now that his girlfriend's attention is redirected to her baby. New mama is exhausted and overwhelmed and needs money for diapers and too soon, the loving couple are virtual strangers.
And so it goes...This story is everywhere in America, sparing only the affluent or especially religious. Shotgun weddings won't help; fundamentally, these accidental parents lack the insight and capacity to be or become a couple.
We are not turning back time to the days when 18 year olds married and stayed married for 60 years and promoting abstinence until marriage at 28 is just stupid. There are many paths to reducing the number of fatherless kids, but pretending absentee dads care won't get us where we need to go.
Making babies is a blast; raising them is not quite so fun. Most young men aren't much enchanted with babies. Sure, he might enjoy showing off with the new baby, but daddy soon finds himself slighted and bored now that his girlfriend's attention is redirected to her baby. New mama is exhausted and overwhelmed and needs money for diapers and too soon, the loving couple are virtual strangers.
And so it goes...This story is everywhere in America, sparing only the affluent or especially religious. Shotgun weddings won't help; fundamentally, these accidental parents lack the insight and capacity to be or become a couple.
We are not turning back time to the days when 18 year olds married and stayed married for 60 years and promoting abstinence until marriage at 28 is just stupid. There are many paths to reducing the number of fatherless kids, but pretending absentee dads care won't get us where we need to go.
1
Men have been abandoning their families since civilization began. From every socio-economic background. I have doubts most of them are "conflicted". They either want to be fathers without accepting the responsibility of being a father, or they just want to spread their seed. The lesson here is obvious, though: Don't have kids you're unable/unwilling to care for. It's also a reason why comprehensive sex ed needs to be mandatory in public schools.
As a divorced father of 4 young children, I fight everyday to see my kids. During our marriage there was no infidelity on either side, no drugs and my ex was a stay at home mother while I had my career. Unfortunately for me, I believe the best situation for my kids is to be with their mom the majority of the time so they can live in the same neighborhood, go to the same school and have the same friends. I, personally resent this article. My search for a new partner is based on not having any more children. I know men that do not want to spend time with their children, true deadbeat dad's. This is just a generalization and I guess I just wanted to vent the fathers side. The grass isn't greener.
2
There is an insidious sexism in this narrative of the poor, misunderstood father. When Brooks descries the woman who asks: "Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?," he constructs an image from the 1950s. Newsflash: many women do not need men to provide for them. In fact, within the fragile world of masculinity, this is the "problem." Brooks ignores how many women, working and non-working, strive to overcompensate because they can never leave behind the ever nagging doubts of being a good mother. Brooks also fails to take into account abuse - not just physical, but emotional, and abuse that is so subtle that it falls under the radar. Lastly, the "stable two-parent family" Brooks describes is a heterosexual one. Really? It's 2017.
1
I'm curious how accurate the answers to the researcher's surveys really are. I mean, who is going to tell someone "Yeah, I don't really care about the kids, I just wanted to get lucky."?
6
Agree completely.
2
The prejudice against men is absolutely astronomical. Men have been discarded as good for nothing, incapable of doing anything domestic, multi-tasking, being nurturing, being supportive, having feelings or having any other interests apart from quick sex or sports. That combined with elevating all mothers to the level of sainthood evidently makes it very difficult for some men to find the courage to affirm their parenthood. The system is overwhelmingly against men. Giving birth does not make a mom! A lot of women are riding that wave without demonstrating any ability of being mothers but the bias is there, all the way into the deepest recesses of the courts and political wills. Now, in the mist of systematical emasculinated this article on probably the most vulnerable social strata but blanketing a whole gender. Stop the serial bashing. If men had a fraction of the advocacy women have systematically receive in the last few decades we would have a far better society.
Whining about how badly men are perceived misses the point. There are a lot of men who are sexist, aggressive, violent and abandon their kids. Very often, women are left to clean up the mess and support their families. Perhaps if men stopped whining and started meeting their responsibilities, without excuses, they could improve society rather than damaging their offspring.
1
I rest my case, indeed. This kind of comment is not going to bridge the gap any time soon.
As has been obvious for a number of years, Mr. Brooks doesn't live in the same world most of us do. A confluence of wealth, power and imagination has landed him above the rest of us in his imaginary world where everything would be fixed if we had a Republican president and congress...oh, wait!
2
In the late 60's LBJ was trying to get Aid to Families with Dependent Children passed and he need the help of Southern Democrats, who are now the bedrock support of t rump. These fellows did not this largesse to extend to everyone so a provision was included that families with an able bodied man in the house would not be eligible.
Before that Black communities were pretty solid.
Republicans like Brooks seem to think that life happens in a vacuum, in a laboratory if you will, and things go along logical lines to a conclusion. Bad luck and circumstances shouldn't be problems.
Other republicans don't think at all, they just deny, deny, deny.
Before that Black communities were pretty solid.
Republicans like Brooks seem to think that life happens in a vacuum, in a laboratory if you will, and things go along logical lines to a conclusion. Bad luck and circumstances shouldn't be problems.
Other republicans don't think at all, they just deny, deny, deny.
When I saw the title of this column my blood immediately began to boil. I could have written a laundry list of reasons my son's father left. But the truth is he left me. He left our marriage because he couldn't handle it. After fourteen years he walked out and simply said "He's your son, you support him." I did and have for the last 17 years.
When I now see photos posted on my son's Instagram feed with his arms around his father, whom he visits in another state, my heart hurts.
But, I say nothing. Win lose or draw, he is the father and it has been up to my now grown son to maintain the relationship.
Biting my tongue for nearly two decades has been hard. But in the interest of my son's metal health, I continue to remain mute and not bad mouth the man who gave up sole custody of this only child.
Seems he wanted a buddy not a responsibility. He got what he wanted.
My son does not read the NYTimes. Small blessing.
When I now see photos posted on my son's Instagram feed with his arms around his father, whom he visits in another state, my heart hurts.
But, I say nothing. Win lose or draw, he is the father and it has been up to my now grown son to maintain the relationship.
Biting my tongue for nearly two decades has been hard. But in the interest of my son's metal health, I continue to remain mute and not bad mouth the man who gave up sole custody of this only child.
Seems he wanted a buddy not a responsibility. He got what he wanted.
My son does not read the NYTimes. Small blessing.
2
The key idea here is the part where the couples grow apart.
When the women focus on the practicalities of family life, the men's reaction is, she is too bossy.
The men are full of socially-sanctioned self pity and resentment at having lost their sex toy and freedom to do as they please. They know that the best way to punish a mother for attempting to take away their goodies or to hold them to account, is by hurting or neglecting their children.
Sick? Yes, but a society flooded with the idea that a real man is an entitled being who can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, a real man is one who gets whatever he is told to want, however he can, can expect child abandonment and abuse as a result.
Rich, poor or middle, the psychological factors created by the rewards in the culture are by far the most important reason men of all classes and races leave their children.
Ironically, most men do not realize how deeply controlled they are by these social norms, and many deeply regret the decisions they made leading up to the loss of their children.
The most hopeful sign of change in my opinion is the start up of groups such White Ribbon, a group of men seeking to educate young men about the dangers of prevailing attitudes toward women.
When the women focus on the practicalities of family life, the men's reaction is, she is too bossy.
The men are full of socially-sanctioned self pity and resentment at having lost their sex toy and freedom to do as they please. They know that the best way to punish a mother for attempting to take away their goodies or to hold them to account, is by hurting or neglecting their children.
Sick? Yes, but a society flooded with the idea that a real man is an entitled being who can do whatever he wants whenever he wants, a real man is one who gets whatever he is told to want, however he can, can expect child abandonment and abuse as a result.
Rich, poor or middle, the psychological factors created by the rewards in the culture are by far the most important reason men of all classes and races leave their children.
Ironically, most men do not realize how deeply controlled they are by these social norms, and many deeply regret the decisions they made leading up to the loss of their children.
The most hopeful sign of change in my opinion is the start up of groups such White Ribbon, a group of men seeking to educate young men about the dangers of prevailing attitudes toward women.
1
In middle school sex ed classes my children were given care of a "baby" (a four pound sack of flour) for a few weeks. Someone had to be caring for that "baby" every minute of the day. They wrapped the bag in a blanket, carried it to class and had someone mind it when they had various activities. The students went to local stores to price diapers, baby clothes, strollers, car seats, cribs, etc. Class discussions continued over a period of several weeks. Sex and responsibility: lessons learned.
Most of the posts here do not question the western family pattern and the debacle of the so called sexual revolution, which has left us with a predatory society. The assumption still seems to be that the west is the best and that family patterns from other cultures are 100% patriarchal. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I grew up in a child-centered non-western society, where self control was the norm. Couples were expected to be celibate after some years of marriage and procreation. In fact, marriage itself was seen as a level of celibacy. Such self-chosen celibacy (celibacy cannot be induced by morality cops) usually lead to deep love and understanding between the parents who grew into old age with an abiding sense of service to one another.
Besides, the young mother and father were expected to have multiple duties to people beyond the couple -- not just to the child. This cleansed them of the narcissism that so often drowns the couple. For a couple cannot exist in a vacuum.
I grew up in a child-centered non-western society, where self control was the norm. Couples were expected to be celibate after some years of marriage and procreation. In fact, marriage itself was seen as a level of celibacy. Such self-chosen celibacy (celibacy cannot be induced by morality cops) usually lead to deep love and understanding between the parents who grew into old age with an abiding sense of service to one another.
Besides, the young mother and father were expected to have multiple duties to people beyond the couple -- not just to the child. This cleansed them of the narcissism that so often drowns the couple. For a couple cannot exist in a vacuum.
Please. Stop. If a father "wants" his child, he needs to fight for them. The issue is fathers who are self-centered & then want to cry foul.
I had 2 wonderful children & their father wouldn't do ANYTHING unless I scheduled it. He was a biz owner with the ability to do what he wanted- and that was his beloved work & adulation of peers. I left with our children in tow. He said he never loved me or our children. He admitted it all.
After I left, I became the target of a smear campaign I never saw coming. It didn't matter if it hurt his kids or was not true.
They, wear his mental issues. That, is the trouble. Men who won't wear their own issues. We are all scared from his problems.
Imho
I had 2 wonderful children & their father wouldn't do ANYTHING unless I scheduled it. He was a biz owner with the ability to do what he wanted- and that was his beloved work & adulation of peers. I left with our children in tow. He said he never loved me or our children. He admitted it all.
After I left, I became the target of a smear campaign I never saw coming. It didn't matter if it hurt his kids or was not true.
They, wear his mental issues. That, is the trouble. Men who won't wear their own issues. We are all scared from his problems.
Imho
2
The synthesis of the sociology research is well done, but the conclusion off mark:
"find someone you love before you have intercourse. Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill."
The order of recommendations matter. Shouldn't the primary message be: "both partners should practice birth control, which should be freely available. Or, make sure that a financial plan accompanies the planned pregnancy."
"find someone you love before you have intercourse. Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill."
The order of recommendations matter. Shouldn't the primary message be: "both partners should practice birth control, which should be freely available. Or, make sure that a financial plan accompanies the planned pregnancy."
1
I think Mr.Brooks could said it in a brief meaningful way:
procreate the evacuate hurts all us,and costs all of us.
as to the why. i could care less.
procreate the evacuate hurts all us,and costs all of us.
as to the why. i could care less.
Mr. Brooks: I believe it was Learned Hand, a respected Federal Court Appeals Court Judge, who wrote that "hard cases make bad law". Rights of biological fathers fall in that catagory. My solution is hard: no marriage no rights OR responsibilities.
I believe that birth or abortion decisions are totally the choice of the woman. Logic compels me to believe that since it its her choice, it is her responsibility. If she has the child, she has the right to decide who should raise it, or even have contact with it. No woman should be forced into a long term relationship with a man, against her will. A drunken one night stand should not result in ongoing contact with someone a woman never wants to see again.
I find it emotionally satisfying, but logically questionable, to hold a biological father responsible for child support when I would strip him of all rights with respect to his biological offspring. He is nothing more than a sperm donor.
We have a cure for this, we call it "marriage" but any other contract between consenting parties ought to work. Make it clear that sex, without prior commitment, will not create biological rights in the father (unless a subsequent contract is completed). Harsh? Yes. But everybody knows, going in , what the rules are. In no way do I suggest releasing a man from responsibility for any actions arising out of a non-consensual act, and also have no problem denying him any rights whatsoever.
This is clear. It is fair.
I believe that birth or abortion decisions are totally the choice of the woman. Logic compels me to believe that since it its her choice, it is her responsibility. If she has the child, she has the right to decide who should raise it, or even have contact with it. No woman should be forced into a long term relationship with a man, against her will. A drunken one night stand should not result in ongoing contact with someone a woman never wants to see again.
I find it emotionally satisfying, but logically questionable, to hold a biological father responsible for child support when I would strip him of all rights with respect to his biological offspring. He is nothing more than a sperm donor.
We have a cure for this, we call it "marriage" but any other contract between consenting parties ought to work. Make it clear that sex, without prior commitment, will not create biological rights in the father (unless a subsequent contract is completed). Harsh? Yes. But everybody knows, going in , what the rules are. In no way do I suggest releasing a man from responsibility for any actions arising out of a non-consensual act, and also have no problem denying him any rights whatsoever.
This is clear. It is fair.
A significant explanation for the problem is the lack of understanding about the differences in hormonal sex drives between men and women. Women have hormones that affect them emotionally and physically in which their mothering and nurturing instinct creates a powerful drive to conceive a child. The power of that mothering drive is a great miracle of nature and is so deeply bedded in the female psyche that for a woman without a child, it usually becomes an identity crisis.
This characteristic prevails whether or not a woman has been raised in a loving family that teaches the woman good values of responsibility. On the other hand, there is not a similar hormonal drive in men wherein the man wishes to be father. The male hormone drives them to want sex without a strong regard for the fact that they might become fathers. The male hormone makes them aggressive more than caring. The hormone creates a compulsive demand for release of the sex drive. The major mitigating factor in a man becoming a good father, or not, is generally the quality of their upbringing and teaching regarding the fact that love and mating requires responsibility. Without such awareness the cards are often stacked against the man becoming a deeply responsible and caring father.
For men, far more than for women, good upbringing, loving family, and quality role models and education would go a long way to solving the problem of failure in fatherhood.
This characteristic prevails whether or not a woman has been raised in a loving family that teaches the woman good values of responsibility. On the other hand, there is not a similar hormonal drive in men wherein the man wishes to be father. The male hormone drives them to want sex without a strong regard for the fact that they might become fathers. The male hormone makes them aggressive more than caring. The hormone creates a compulsive demand for release of the sex drive. The major mitigating factor in a man becoming a good father, or not, is generally the quality of their upbringing and teaching regarding the fact that love and mating requires responsibility. Without such awareness the cards are often stacked against the man becoming a deeply responsible and caring father.
For men, far more than for women, good upbringing, loving family, and quality role models and education would go a long way to solving the problem of failure in fatherhood.
1
This apologia for absentee fathers fails. Why? The poor circumstances of the fathers are no different than the poor circumstances of the mothers, but the mothers parent the kids.
And, David, I was also quite surprised to find that, of your three suggestions on how to reduce absentee fathers, one is directed solely at women (stay on the pill). At best, that misses the point; at worst, it suggests women are somewhat responsible for the poor personal decisions of these fathers. The latter attitude is tantamount to giving absentee fathers an (illegitimate) excuse for their poor behavior.
Finally, of course, fathers have just as much control (really, more, as men cannot be raped into pregnancy) over whether or not they reproduce. Between condoms and vasectomies, they can prevent fatherhood if they choose.
And, David, I was also quite surprised to find that, of your three suggestions on how to reduce absentee fathers, one is directed solely at women (stay on the pill). At best, that misses the point; at worst, it suggests women are somewhat responsible for the poor personal decisions of these fathers. The latter attitude is tantamount to giving absentee fathers an (illegitimate) excuse for their poor behavior.
Finally, of course, fathers have just as much control (really, more, as men cannot be raped into pregnancy) over whether or not they reproduce. Between condoms and vasectomies, they can prevent fatherhood if they choose.
2
Reading some of these comments makes me realize how lucky I am to have had a father who would have lived in his car in the back alley to be near his children had his marriage not survived.
2
The great irony is that the work your parents put in to build you up in the end destroys you. I feel for President Trump, Kim Jung Un, and anyone else who want to assuage the pain. Misery is their language. All they needed was love.
"Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill."
Then Planned Parent hood should not be attacked and gutted, but praised and supported with tax dollars. If we want stable families, our society should support stable, affordable contraception.
Also, the man has a responsibility to use contraception. It's not all up to the woman and the pill. How about advocating for men wearing condoms in your list of how society could rally around this?
Then Planned Parent hood should not be attacked and gutted, but praised and supported with tax dollars. If we want stable families, our society should support stable, affordable contraception.
Also, the man has a responsibility to use contraception. It's not all up to the woman and the pill. How about advocating for men wearing condoms in your list of how society could rally around this?
3
They know she isn't their soul mate so they are still looking!
That says it all! Regardless of education, job, etc. etc. THEY ARE STILL LOOKING.
That says it all! Regardless of education, job, etc. etc. THEY ARE STILL LOOKING.
2
So, if poverty and stress make it impossible to be responsible, present parents, how is it that millions of men and women managed to get and stay married, and remain involved with their children during the Depression and WWII?
2
A number of surveys have revealed that at least one-third of America's children are now born to single mothers. Not all of these are poor. There are women who have not found "Mr. Right" and adopt or go to sperm banks since single motherhood is part of the norm. Single poor women with children can collect public assistance which is endangered when the father is part of the household. This policy has done more to cause poor and lower income fathers to abandon their children than any other factor.
Yeah David,
I was at a Farmer's Market last night after work, where there was a Blue's Band playing a song about how "My Woman is sleeping with another man", and I saw lots of looked like single mom's with their little babies on blankets around the bandstand. Did they even know what they were sining? They were just talking non-stop with their girlfriends sitting on the grass.
All I could think of, "Where is the Father", maybe couldn't make it, but I am sure some of them were out of wedlock moms.
I have a 3 year old, and would not dream of abandoning her. Probably because I came from a solid family.
David, good to write something about common problems of all cultures in our nation, rather than the din of everything Trump these days, and all the down side he represents. This issue is not political, just real life that most people do not think about much.
I was at a Farmer's Market last night after work, where there was a Blue's Band playing a song about how "My Woman is sleeping with another man", and I saw lots of looked like single mom's with their little babies on blankets around the bandstand. Did they even know what they were sining? They were just talking non-stop with their girlfriends sitting on the grass.
All I could think of, "Where is the Father", maybe couldn't make it, but I am sure some of them were out of wedlock moms.
I have a 3 year old, and would not dream of abandoning her. Probably because I came from a solid family.
David, good to write something about common problems of all cultures in our nation, rather than the din of everything Trump these days, and all the down side he represents. This issue is not political, just real life that most people do not think about much.
1
In all fairness, this is all a bunch of nonsense. I know from my own sister's experience, which I am not proud of. She married one of my best friends from college. With three kids (two still in diapers), she walked out on him and married her out-of-state HS sweetheart 2 weeks after the "no-fault" divorce was finalized. Her ex-husband was slammed not just with the child support, but also with alimony (she never worked in the marriage outside of home). She also took half of his 401K, pension from his employer, forced the house to be sold and proceeds equally divided. My nieces and nephews now live a 9 hr drive away from their dad, who is devastated. Who exactly benefited from all this but her and her new hubby? No-one. We don't talk anymore. I call a spade out when I see one.
2
It's nice that men have the choice to walk away from their children while 'really wanting to be a good father'. The women they leave behind want to be good mothers too, but have no choice, they have all the responsibilities of single motherhood. I am talking about all men here, not just poor black men. In the case of poor black women, isn't it great that various governments, usually represented by men, want to restrict their access to birth control and abortion, thereby creating more single parent families? Men need to start accepting the same serious responsibility of parenting as women do, regardless of socioeconomic class.
Wrong again, Mr. Brooks. Deadbeat dads are the majority, and don't get our sympathy. Men will make any excuse for themselves.
5
Brooks: My dad was a dead-beat. He was also a wealthy lawyer. Money was not the issue. Depending on the year, and where he was on a case (opening it up, in trial, settlement, etc.), he fell someplace between the 1% and the 1% of the 1%. I am also, to my knowledge, his only child, so I'm not sure that the "serial optimist re: kids" argument holds.
This was not a guy who needed economic development, or help disciplining his life. He did not have run-ins with the law. He was adept with authority figures (judges, senior colleagues, clients), so I'm not sure that my Mom posed much of a threat. He was fairly accomplished. He needed a heart.
Also - Bossy. Bossy? Really? It's 2017. Brooks, you write/speak/opine/communicate for a living. I strongly encourage you to find a new word.
This was not a guy who needed economic development, or help disciplining his life. He did not have run-ins with the law. He was adept with authority figures (judges, senior colleagues, clients), so I'm not sure that my Mom posed much of a threat. He was fairly accomplished. He needed a heart.
Also - Bossy. Bossy? Really? It's 2017. Brooks, you write/speak/opine/communicate for a living. I strongly encourage you to find a new word.
4
My brother and his first wife split, then they both took up with others. After about a year of him not seeing his kids, his ex secured a court order to have supervised visits and regain those rights, purely out of spite. There was no abuse, etc. That process, along with continued trashing of each other to the children, was very detrimental to the kids.
In divorce situations, parents fall somewhere on a continuum: on one end are parents who agree that they will do everything they can to love their kids and keep them out of any bickering (child support, your new love is a tramp, etc.). On the other end are parents who've agreed to nothing, and do their best to lay blame on the other for all the failures in the marriage. The children assimilate this into their daily lives, and it becomes a family cycle in their own relationships.
In divorce situations, parents fall somewhere on a continuum: on one end are parents who agree that they will do everything they can to love their kids and keep them out of any bickering (child support, your new love is a tramp, etc.). On the other end are parents who've agreed to nothing, and do their best to lay blame on the other for all the failures in the marriage. The children assimilate this into their daily lives, and it becomes a family cycle in their own relationships.
1
Mr. Brooks' column is deeply disturbing because it places the blame for deadbeat dads squarely on the women. It's the demanding, angry women who drive the poor, confused fathers away from their children only to feed their promiscuity by taking up with other men.
Please. Only once in history has a child been conceived without sperm.
This piece feeds the notion that men are just too overwhelmed by life to ever understand the consequences of their actions. It's the women keep them "stuck in a formless romantic anarchy."
We take away people's driver's licenses if they show they're not responsible enough to get behind the wheel without harming others. If Mr. Brooks thinks these poor men "need help finding the practical bridges to help them get where they want to go," I have a suggestion: get thee to a vasectomy clinic.
Please. Only once in history has a child been conceived without sperm.
This piece feeds the notion that men are just too overwhelmed by life to ever understand the consequences of their actions. It's the women keep them "stuck in a formless romantic anarchy."
We take away people's driver's licenses if they show they're not responsible enough to get behind the wheel without harming others. If Mr. Brooks thinks these poor men "need help finding the practical bridges to help them get where they want to go," I have a suggestion: get thee to a vasectomy clinic.
2
My father once stood in the kitchen of my sister's home and said "I left because I couldn't stand to see my children go hungry." How funny.
3
Brooks' characterization of "why fathers leave" doesn't pass the gender-flip-it smell test. How much empathy would we give a woman with a desire for an unrealistic romanticized "White Knight Prince Charming" archetype who's having "run-ins with drugs, the law and other men?" If culture is to blame, then the elephant in the room here is toxic masculine norms that cause men to hear women with agency as "bossy" and see aggression and promiscuity as pathways to male status.
1
Mr. Brooks suggests to "make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill" - well, fortunately the Republican regime we are under is making this decision for women of modest means, they are taking birth control away from them!
It seems like even with White people with money few romantic relationships can survive a child. It is now the norm for a kid to have two sets of parents if they are lucky. One thing, why does contraceptive use vary so much across the Western world? Kids have sex everywhere but pregnancy rates are much higher in some US states than others and higher than European rates. Anyone who knows European teens knows they are NOT being abstinent. Why the abandonment of contraception? In the US it is associated with a one night stand. Why?
Wants and ifs.
"Deadbeat dads want to succeed…."
"It would be great if society could rally…."
People usually WANT to succeed at what they do. Just as usually, those who fail aren't able or willing to put in the effort needed to succeed. Regarding the societal "if," I'll just say that, if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their butts on the ground so much.
Here's an if: If you want to reduce this problem, improve the educational and economic conditions that produce these unprepared young adults. And while you're working on that, stop denying them access to contraception and family planning information.
"Deadbeat dads want to succeed…."
"It would be great if society could rally…."
People usually WANT to succeed at what they do. Just as usually, those who fail aren't able or willing to put in the effort needed to succeed. Regarding the societal "if," I'll just say that, if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their butts on the ground so much.
Here's an if: If you want to reduce this problem, improve the educational and economic conditions that produce these unprepared young adults. And while you're working on that, stop denying them access to contraception and family planning information.
1
Abortion needs to be readily available. You may hate it, but it prevents 'accidents' from becoming unwanted children who suffer from years because their parents couldn't handle raising them.
I know a great way to improve on the dismal situation you describe today:
let's make it as difficult as possible for anyone, especially women, to get birth control, prenatal healthcare, sex education, and especially abortions, even the plan B drug type.
if they can still manage to get these things, let's make them too expensive for those who need them most, or illegal. possibly both.
as the cherry on top, let's set it up so that if the father stays around, the family is denied social (health and financial) benefits, or sees them greatly reduced.
focus on the family -
then try to destroy it.
that'll larn 'em!
let's make it as difficult as possible for anyone, especially women, to get birth control, prenatal healthcare, sex education, and especially abortions, even the plan B drug type.
if they can still manage to get these things, let's make them too expensive for those who need them most, or illegal. possibly both.
as the cherry on top, let's set it up so that if the father stays around, the family is denied social (health and financial) benefits, or sees them greatly reduced.
focus on the family -
then try to destroy it.
that'll larn 'em!
Men have become expendable. Feminism has crossed into misandry. Matriarchal systems have developed by necessity as fathers become peripheral as described here. Economics and changes in culture together have caused the absence of Dads as a new norm.
"The stable two-parent family is what we want."
So, now, after generations of failure does the Left figure this out. It was not that long ago that VP Dan Qualyle was viciously derided by liberals over his denunciation of the fictional Murphy Brown and her single parent "lifestyle choice."
Perhaps in the retrospection of failure, Mr. Quayle is owed an apology. Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who stuck it out and earned it.
So, now, after generations of failure does the Left figure this out. It was not that long ago that VP Dan Qualyle was viciously derided by liberals over his denunciation of the fictional Murphy Brown and her single parent "lifestyle choice."
Perhaps in the retrospection of failure, Mr. Quayle is owed an apology. Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who stuck it out and earned it.
Another reason that father's leave their children, or appear to leave their children, is that the mothers keep the children away from their fathers to punish them and also so they can tell the children that their fathers don't care about them or he'd be around.
People fail to plan. They believe in fairy tales that they will live happily ever after. They fail to understand children cause a strain on the marriage if they do not get on the same page about raising children and how to live in a household together let alone with children. Then when things get really bad they right away split up rather than shut up sit down and both use their head and figure out how are they going to make this work. How do we stop bickering and start caring about each other again and begin to show and live it. If you cannot show and exhibit simple attention and love to each other then you won't your kids either so stop running off looking for dreams. You make dreams come true. You make life what it is. And you got to have a partner that wants the same as you do.Not try to make him or her someone else.
1
Heads up:
You think you are ready for fatherhood?
Great.
Are you ready to throw your old life away and start a new life?
Great.
Do you have a lot of spare time to spend with the child? Because raising a child demands a lot of time.
Now, do you have a lot of money? Because children cost a lot of money if you want to do it right.
And Please, don't count on the Government to help you that would be a large mistake.
And if you're a woman and want to have a child, don't count on a man to help you after the baby is born. That would be a large mistake. If he does end up helping you that is what is called a blessing.
You think you are ready for fatherhood?
Great.
Are you ready to throw your old life away and start a new life?
Great.
Do you have a lot of spare time to spend with the child? Because raising a child demands a lot of time.
Now, do you have a lot of money? Because children cost a lot of money if you want to do it right.
And Please, don't count on the Government to help you that would be a large mistake.
And if you're a woman and want to have a child, don't count on a man to help you after the baby is born. That would be a large mistake. If he does end up helping you that is what is called a blessing.
2
That's not going to happen. Even the basic supports to children are being taken away by those heartless cowards in our legislatures. The continuous assault on women's reproductive lives is going to create more children that people will be unable to care for. It's a yes for Viagra and no for birth control. Huh? This is an important issue but cart before the horse. Let's take care of the basics first.
So dollarnaires think they are entitled to the perfect wife? A woman who will accept all their faults, have low expectations, and not complain? I don't know who raises these men to have such childish notions. Men need to use condoms and women need to use birth control. A baby is not a fresh start for either party. A child needs two parents who will work hard and endeavor to always do their best for that child. People need to work on fixing themselves instead of bringing new people into the world.
Well Duh! Marriage is the path to a stable and loving relationship. Who knew? I am old enough to remember, "first comes love, then comes marriage then comes someone in the baby carriage."
"just another authority figure to be skirted." There is something missing from the get go. We need adults with a sense of capabilty and responsibilty who step up not skirt.
News flash: loads of men in professional and upper-tiers also abandon their kids, fail to pay child support or mandated alimonies, and rarely show up to their kids' events. In common with their counter-parts in this study, they too feel entitled to lead promiscuous life-styles, marry and father serially, and complain about how it's their bitter ex's fault that they are bad dads. They put their jobs and recreation first, and could not articulate their principles if pressed, because they haven't selected any conscious way to live. They haven't made up their minds to be responsible for the consequences of their own choices. They have no idea of what it means to be kind.
A silly column from start to finish. One inadequate excuse after another signifying no excuse at all. The reason fathers leave their children is because the fathers, in their own mind, are more important than the children and the father has great plans for personal glory.
Cry me a river. These poor, starry-eyed, idealistic, well-meaning dudes, disappointed by bossy, exploitive women who don't live up to their Leave It To Beaver soul mate dreams. Make sure you want to be with this person" before going off the pill"? Ever hear of condoms, guys?
At first, a new baby is cute, lovable (so I am told); look at what I made! Then they get expensive and troublesome. And mom is tired, stressed, anxious and not as much fun as she used to be. Guess this was a mistake. So much for Ward Cleaver.
Men walk because they can. Rich, poor, working or not, they can walk. If they truly "believe[d] in fatherhood" as an internalized value, how can the actual children be so disposable? Same way that beautiful girl they hotly pursued into bed is disposable as soon as she puts on a few pounds, can't go out dancing because she's working or facing the morning sickness or is 8 months pregnant, and gets cranky because she's got a sick, screaming baby and not sure how she's going to make the rent or get to work or even just get some sleep.
I don't know what fixes any of this. Besides cheap, effective, safe, massively available contraception. For the men and the women.
At first, a new baby is cute, lovable (so I am told); look at what I made! Then they get expensive and troublesome. And mom is tired, stressed, anxious and not as much fun as she used to be. Guess this was a mistake. So much for Ward Cleaver.
Men walk because they can. Rich, poor, working or not, they can walk. If they truly "believe[d] in fatherhood" as an internalized value, how can the actual children be so disposable? Same way that beautiful girl they hotly pursued into bed is disposable as soon as she puts on a few pounds, can't go out dancing because she's working or facing the morning sickness or is 8 months pregnant, and gets cranky because she's got a sick, screaming baby and not sure how she's going to make the rent or get to work or even just get some sleep.
I don't know what fixes any of this. Besides cheap, effective, safe, massively available contraception. For the men and the women.
2
We do have a confident social script, though long abandoned for political correctness. It's called "marriage". Unfortunately, for all our talk about love, romance, and sex, we've lost the true meaning of marriage.
Take a look at one of the source documents for this concept of marriage, Genesis chapter 2. Go on, and crack the Good Book open, I'll wait. If you're short on time, just verses 18-25 will do. Did you read about "love"? Neither did I. Surely love is implied (and it's mentioned elsewhere in the Bible), but it's not here in Genesis 2. Rather, the main concept is "they shall become one flesh". That's not just a physical statement about a man and a woman joined in sexual intercourse.
"Become one flesh" is the flip side of commitment. We couples say, "We should not separate because we made a commitment." But the Bible says, "You are committed because you are, in fact, inseparable."
Take a look at one of the source documents for this concept of marriage, Genesis chapter 2. Go on, and crack the Good Book open, I'll wait. If you're short on time, just verses 18-25 will do. Did you read about "love"? Neither did I. Surely love is implied (and it's mentioned elsewhere in the Bible), but it's not here in Genesis 2. Rather, the main concept is "they shall become one flesh". That's not just a physical statement about a man and a woman joined in sexual intercourse.
"Become one flesh" is the flip side of commitment. We couples say, "We should not separate because we made a commitment." But the Bible says, "You are committed because you are, in fact, inseparable."
So many generalizations, so little time.
Poverty was only mentioned in the first line, but nowhere to be found among the other explanations for the breakup of families. Financial inability to support a child must be one sharp incentive to leave, or be asked to leave.
Here it is only the poor, that sub-species, that inferior bunch of takers who get themselves into their situations because they had sex before love, before maturity, before they could afford and acquire birth control.
How about the more affluent abandoning their children? How many children of the wealthy are abused and abusive, disturbed, depressed, and self-destructive?
How about the cultural imperative for men to get as many women as possible into bed without love or marriage, the grotesque Heffneresque, men like our dear leader with his stable of wives and subsequent brood of children?
I'd like an annotated bibliography on all of the studies Mr. Brooks has read on those subjects.
Poverty was only mentioned in the first line, but nowhere to be found among the other explanations for the breakup of families. Financial inability to support a child must be one sharp incentive to leave, or be asked to leave.
Here it is only the poor, that sub-species, that inferior bunch of takers who get themselves into their situations because they had sex before love, before maturity, before they could afford and acquire birth control.
How about the more affluent abandoning their children? How many children of the wealthy are abused and abusive, disturbed, depressed, and self-destructive?
How about the cultural imperative for men to get as many women as possible into bed without love or marriage, the grotesque Heffneresque, men like our dear leader with his stable of wives and subsequent brood of children?
I'd like an annotated bibliography on all of the studies Mr. Brooks has read on those subjects.
This myopic viewpoint focuses on a wealth of [mis]assumptions. The problems inherent in the cycle of poverty are not new, nor unexpected. What is so old and tired about reading an article like this is the smug advice to "couples" before conceiving. Am I the only way to notice that way more than half of all marriages not only end in divorce, they end in child abandonment of some sort. Even equal parenting arrangements means that someone is missing out on critical time with their child.
I would argue that the problem is not with socio-economic problems or with lack of planning but entirely with lack of character and moral fiber - something that transcends the borders of rich / poor, educated/illiterate, single/married. Children need two parents, biology did not create this need out of a vacuum. Both sides are needed for kids to have a chance at a semblance of normalcy. I am not discriminating against alternative families either - whoever is involved in the procreation of that child should stick around for 18 years. Outside of abuse, no, you don't get to find a more fulfilling relationship, climb Everest or graduate summa cum laude from Harvard. The child is supposed to be the most important thing until they become able to fend for themselves.
I would argue that the problem is not with socio-economic problems or with lack of planning but entirely with lack of character and moral fiber - something that transcends the borders of rich / poor, educated/illiterate, single/married. Children need two parents, biology did not create this need out of a vacuum. Both sides are needed for kids to have a chance at a semblance of normalcy. I am not discriminating against alternative families either - whoever is involved in the procreation of that child should stick around for 18 years. Outside of abuse, no, you don't get to find a more fulfilling relationship, climb Everest or graduate summa cum laude from Harvard. The child is supposed to be the most important thing until they become able to fend for themselves.
I was in a situation like that once. Age 29 and pregnant with the other party declaring 'not my problem'. I had a abortion and went on with my life without him. Make sure women have complete control over their bodies, and lots of those problems disappear. And yes, I am a really bossy woman. Proudly so.
6
So what you are saying is that the concept of instant gratification is alive and well in the US.
Rather than concentrating on getting an education, learning a skill, and working on a long term, stable relationship, these young men and women unintentionally create a life, then expect society to pick up the pieces.
Is it that hard to remember to use birth control ?
And anyone criticizing these choices is being
heartless/imperialistic/racist/misogynistic....
These young men and women want to be treated as adults but do not make adult decisions.
Rather than concentrating on getting an education, learning a skill, and working on a long term, stable relationship, these young men and women unintentionally create a life, then expect society to pick up the pieces.
Is it that hard to remember to use birth control ?
And anyone criticizing these choices is being
heartless/imperialistic/racist/misogynistic....
These young men and women want to be treated as adults but do not make adult decisions.
Uh huh.
Now let's discuss the middle-class guys--including from those famously family-centered cultures--who repeatedly abandon the children from the first and succeeding spouses as they keep moving on to making new families? I am of mature years now but saw quite a number of those just in my own Noo Yawk extended family and neighborhood, back in the good old days of the fifties.
Men are attached to the woman sexually satisfying them at the time. The children are an adjunct of her. When the guys tire of the gal, they find any and every excuse to not be present for the kids.
Old as time.
Now let's discuss the middle-class guys--including from those famously family-centered cultures--who repeatedly abandon the children from the first and succeeding spouses as they keep moving on to making new families? I am of mature years now but saw quite a number of those just in my own Noo Yawk extended family and neighborhood, back in the good old days of the fifties.
Men are attached to the woman sexually satisfying them at the time. The children are an adjunct of her. When the guys tire of the gal, they find any and every excuse to not be present for the kids.
Old as time.
"Millions of poor children and teenagers grow up without their biological father, and often when you ask them about it, you hear a litany of male barbarism. You hear teens describe how their dad used to beat up their mom, how an absent father had five kids with different women and abandoned them all." Because Mr. Brooks has chosen to focus on people from impoverished backgrounds, his description of fatherhood sounds like something out of the Maury Povich show: "Miscreant, you ARE the father." Appropriately enough, Mr. Brooks' choice smacks of paternalism. If he were to interview children from formerly stable, middle-class families torn asunder by divorce, he would likely hear a litany of pain and loss. Factor in inadequate child support from these "good" dads, and the child's life can edge into the precarious realm Brooks first describes. The fact is, irrespective of class, men leave because they can. What is truly appaliling, however, are the men with the means to do better by their children, who nevertheless leave them to fend for themselves.
1
Well, at least these parents aren't intimidated by the climate change hoax perpetrated by all them liberals. Thank God we have a president like Trump!
Imagine if the future for our children was a world of exponentially rising temperature, rising sea levels, disruptions of ecosystems, extreme weather conditions, the threat of previously unimagined diseases, and so many other dire consequences! Who believes in this nonsense?
Imagine if the future for our children was a world of exponentially rising temperature, rising sea levels, disruptions of ecosystems, extreme weather conditions, the threat of previously unimagined diseases, and so many other dire consequences! Who believes in this nonsense?
You can leave a wife or girlfriend. You can never leave your child. Too many people confuse the two.
What if your child leaves you? Mine did when she was 17 because her mother told her I was not a "good provider" which was a lie!
1
This is an article directly from the Absurdistan News. EVERY state in the Union has strict laws governing "equal partition" of assets in divorce cases. That means, for example, if a mother of two divorces their father; he will pay thru the nose to the mom: alimony, child support, division of assets (read: house equity, cars, income, savings, pension, 401K, etc.) in proportion 3:1. Why feed the public this misinformation, Mr. Brooks?
1
Isn't it in the Bible somewhere: "If it wasn't for real bad choices, I wouldn't have no choice at all?" I'm sure it is.
Many of these issues facing fathers have to do with gender roles. Women seeking someone to take care of them and their children, rather than viewing themselves as capable breadwinners. Yet, a few of the men I know who have left their children don't want equal partners. They have a skewed notion of how relationships should be. They want women waiting at home for them, but also resent women for doing this. Don't know the solution to this quandary.
1
I suspect many of these fathers also don't expect to live to a ripe old age, therefore they have less incentive to form a stable family unit. If they grew up with an absent father, then they may have little idea of what a father should be and do.
Programs for young fathers exist in many areas. They help them learn how to be a good father, how to manage money and how to resolve relationship issues. They encourage fathers to finish their education and to learn job skills.
But women in these relationships also need help. They need education about relationships and contraception, so that they do not become pregnant before they are ready. They also need to finish their education and to know that they can aspire to something more than motherhood and perhaps TANF.
The best education in these matters starts in infancy and continues throughout childhood. Otherwise, people fall back on the role models they know and the cycle begins again.
Programs for young fathers exist in many areas. They help them learn how to be a good father, how to manage money and how to resolve relationship issues. They encourage fathers to finish their education and to learn job skills.
But women in these relationships also need help. They need education about relationships and contraception, so that they do not become pregnant before they are ready. They also need to finish their education and to know that they can aspire to something more than motherhood and perhaps TANF.
The best education in these matters starts in infancy and continues throughout childhood. Otherwise, people fall back on the role models they know and the cycle begins again.
1
The solution no one dares mention here still works. As a Christian, I understand that children are God's creations that he chooses to trust us with. You try to forsake every worldly attraction and personal habit that conflicts with the primacy of mothers and children in your life.
Fathers sacrifice the things they value so that mothers have the time and resources to provide what they need for the kids, and the father is in the best position to set the philosophical or religious tone in the home.
I say this is why the country stuck together so well during the years when American boosted its population with the influx of Judeo-Christian ethic-educated Europeans.
But with the absolute war being conducted on religion and the family structure by the entertainment industry and their cheerleaders in the media, the door is more and more open for fathers to walk away.
The people have to decide if they are willing to pay the movie, TV, and music industries to keep attacking our families, or if they decide to actually discover their personal standards.
Fathers sacrifice the things they value so that mothers have the time and resources to provide what they need for the kids, and the father is in the best position to set the philosophical or religious tone in the home.
I say this is why the country stuck together so well during the years when American boosted its population with the influx of Judeo-Christian ethic-educated Europeans.
But with the absolute war being conducted on religion and the family structure by the entertainment industry and their cheerleaders in the media, the door is more and more open for fathers to walk away.
The people have to decide if they are willing to pay the movie, TV, and music industries to keep attacking our families, or if they decide to actually discover their personal standards.
1
Kudos to David for writing about this phenomenon from a sociological perspective, as opposed to a judgmental one which looks to assign blame and treat it as an inherent moral failing.
But I'm not sure what he means by society rallying around key bridges. Is there anyone who advocates that immature people who aren't emotionally or materially ready to have children do so?
Oh wait, the pro-life movement. Their veneration of pregnancy and motherhood has infiltrated even liberal bastions like Hollywood.
I once had a debate with a conservative about abortion. While not in favor of single motherhood, he also decried women who would have abortions for selfish reasons, and called the child his sister had out of wedlock, the best thing that ever happened to her. Of course, she relied on family to help her. Apparently relying on family for help is OK by relying on gov't is unhealthy.
But I'm not sure what he means by society rallying around key bridges. Is there anyone who advocates that immature people who aren't emotionally or materially ready to have children do so?
Oh wait, the pro-life movement. Their veneration of pregnancy and motherhood has infiltrated even liberal bastions like Hollywood.
I once had a debate with a conservative about abortion. While not in favor of single motherhood, he also decried women who would have abortions for selfish reasons, and called the child his sister had out of wedlock, the best thing that ever happened to her. Of course, she relied on family to help her. Apparently relying on family for help is OK by relying on gov't is unhealthy.
2
While I recognize some of what you write, I was married to a professional, four kids, who walked out and walked away. And he didn't give a fig. Anecdotal for sure. And no help from the Family Support Agency who hired incompetent people, and did things that were counterproductive, regardless of my begging them not to.
I think it would be interesting to compare states that are super strict - like North Carolina, with states that are pretty laissez faire - which was my experience at the time in CA.
I think it would be interesting to compare states that are super strict - like North Carolina, with states that are pretty laissez faire - which was my experience at the time in CA.
2
"The stable two-parent family is what we want."
Seriously? What's the current percentage of marriages that end in divorce? My parents divorced when I was 12. My father put the onus of communication on the children. We called him, he didn't call us. We'd go visit maybe once or twice a year. It was the same for my husband's mother and father. Worse, even. In 25 years of marriage, I spoke with my husband's father once right before we got married. He never knew his only grandson. My husband and his brothers were profoundly affected by their father's abandonment. It's not just young people who accidentally become parents who have these kind of issues.
Seriously? What's the current percentage of marriages that end in divorce? My parents divorced when I was 12. My father put the onus of communication on the children. We called him, he didn't call us. We'd go visit maybe once or twice a year. It was the same for my husband's mother and father. Worse, even. In 25 years of marriage, I spoke with my husband's father once right before we got married. He never knew his only grandson. My husband and his brothers were profoundly affected by their father's abandonment. It's not just young people who accidentally become parents who have these kind of issues.
1
The article is insightful, the comments well meaning. I think we have a much better shot at preventing most of the problem than fixing most of the problem. Solid sex education and teaching what it takes to be parents combined with cheap and easy access to effective birth control seem a practical first step while we try to find longer term solutions. Until maturity has progressed far enough to control biology, let's give it a hand.
6
I echo what a few others have said. Depending on the state you live, it is very difficult for fathers to get custody or even adequate visitation with their child when the mother doesn't want him involved and they were never married. If the father does not have the financial resources to continually go back and forth to court, then the mother can put many barriers in between the father and the child. Legal fees cost much more than what a typical American makes. Even Divorced Fathers do not get equal time with their children and may have to wait years until a child is of an age where he or she can determine who to live with. Children benefit from both parents being involved in their lives. I'd like to see more gender equality in the Family Court System. NY Times, how about doing an article about what it's like being a father facing the family court system. Especially in the most enlightened state such as New York and Massachusetts.
3
In other words our leaders' curious failure to provide adequate family planning education, a basic moral education in public schools and a citizen responsibility to have access to birth control and to use it are the fundamental problem! All the media has to do is repeat and indoctrinate the society with the statement of philosopher Onora O'Neil who wrote "The right to reproduce comes with the responsibility to have a plan to bring the child up to some minimal level" which takes care of the parents really loving, being committed to each other and having the monetary resources to actually raise a child before they have one. And this failure to educate on our leaders' part is in the most evil way intentional for our elites gain ever more power by degrading the working/middle class so there are more desperate people with their hands out for welfare crumbs ... just barely enough to keep them alive so the Democrats the party of welfare can buy more votes. And so both parties can claim to need to bring in many more 10's of millions of immigrants to kill wages down to 3rd World levels, because they have 'taught' the natives to be lazy and have no "family values". And make no mistake about it,this calculated, rigged, brain washed into our society irresponsibility has now degraded our "white" communities to the same extent given all the ridiculous valorizing of teen pregnancy on TV shows and in movies and "trending" declarations like "teen pregnancy is a valid alternate life style".
2
Children having children is a poor recipe for family life. We need to inspire kids to think bigger, envision a better future than being saddled with an infant before they are able to fully take care of themselves. We need to prepare them better for that future too. That future needs to loom far brighter to them than the path to early (and unprepared) parenthood. Giving kids much better opportunities, and educating them about all the negatives of starting a family before they've made the transition to adulthood (meaning, they've completed their education and can hold down a good job and support themselves) and have a life partner to share child-raising with, might serve to make the choices they face a lot starker.
2
I believe that the social stigmatization of abandoning your children was much stronger in the past (distant). A father abandoning his family would have been shunned by church and business communities. Of course, children out of wedlock were much rarer, as was divorce.
3
Many of the comments here are quick to blame the lack of family stability on economic hardship/poverty.
But that is confusing cause and effect.
By having children before they should, these young couples are sentencing themselves to a life of poverty and emotional instability.
While it is not politically correct, perhaps abstinence (or at least a little common sense use of condoms) is what is called for.
But that is confusing cause and effect.
By having children before they should, these young couples are sentencing themselves to a life of poverty and emotional instability.
While it is not politically correct, perhaps abstinence (or at least a little common sense use of condoms) is what is called for.
4
Not abstinence but serious contraception: Female birth control doubled with condoms! And a sense of responsibility, people cannot be breeding without any thoughts about who is going to pay for the children's upbringing. Signed: A taxpayer.
Enough of the stale bromides.
Donald Trump is the product of a stable two-parent family. Barack Obama is not. Go figure!
Donald Trump is the product of a stable two-parent family. Barack Obama is not. Go figure!
14
How many prominent men have a ex or two and children from each marriage? Trump, most famously. But I was surprised to read that my former congressman Barton has a young child. Sure enough, second younger wife. It would be interesting to get statistics on all Congressmen and corporate bigshots. Maybe they didn't quite abandon their children--but many poor men no longer involved with their child's mother haven't either.
4
When I read this article I thought access to birth control should be free and readily available. Hand in hand is better sex education starting at an early age. The cost is minuscule compared to a child living in poverty. Access to high quality day care for children, particularly for single moms living in poverty is also extremely important. How can any mother working a minimum wage job hope to afford child care? It is also an opportunity to get a head start on early childhood education and research has shown this makes a huge difference.
9
"When I read this article I thought access to birth control should be free and readily available."
Sure, but apparently it's not a solution because people don't have the common sense to continue using it. Did you miss the part in the article in which Brooks says: "The couple use contraception at the beginning, but when it becomes understood they are “together,” they stop."
Sure, but apparently it's not a solution because people don't have the common sense to continue using it. Did you miss the part in the article in which Brooks says: "The couple use contraception at the beginning, but when it becomes understood they are “together,” they stop."
1
I assume the noble sentiments and determined efforts found in these studies were self-reported by the men, and that there was not much effort to interview others close to the family to see if such behaviors had been actually observed.
8
I found this piece to be enormously hopeful in a week full of rage, violence and tragedy. To be a society with any sort of future at all, we need to provide the resources to both fathers and mothers to build their parenting skills and stable environments, as well as self esteem and confidence. It will take a combination of government assistance, NGO efforts, and a ongoing message that nobody does this alone, and we should be helping anyone thinking about or facing parenthood to be the best parent --indeed the best humans--they can be.
1
It breaks my heart when people try to blame men (or women) for the current state of single parent children. Far more important than "male sexism" is an economic system that treats adult individuals as interchangeable wage slaves, that schedules humans to changing schedules (all night one week, all day the next), that provides almost no support for allowing parents to take time off to deal with problems of their children (or even themselves). It is not "men" who created this system. It is the system that created itself and used humans to increase its dominance of our lives. As women are drawn into the system they begin to do many of the same things "men" have been blamed for, such as neglecting their children to focus on their career.
Until and unless we begin to value children again, things will only get worse for the majority of children. To blame this on men is not just wrong it is completely ineffective.
Until and unless we begin to value children again, things will only get worse for the majority of children. To blame this on men is not just wrong it is completely ineffective.
7
The solution is bullet proof birth control education practices. I never understood why people who are not mentally or financially ready even take a risk of pregnancy, or desire to have children and then expect society at large to support their needs.
8
Of course. Free and accessible contraception is the answer. So why do Republicans complain about it ?
How much responsibility should be laid upon mothers who push fathers away? Then, later in life, they are able to craft a different story painting themselves as victims.
In addition, I find it hard to believe that Dr Brooks could write an article about fathers leaving their children without even mentioning the Family Court system. This system is so biased in favor of mothers that it effectively sponsors parental abandonment. Love before intercourse, family planning, economic support programs, etc. mean absolutely nothing when there is no Court to hold mothers accountable.
Let's please not lose sight of the fact that many mothers have a lifelong goal to have a child, and 20 yrs of child support is simply a nice add-on.
In addition, I find it hard to believe that Dr Brooks could write an article about fathers leaving their children without even mentioning the Family Court system. This system is so biased in favor of mothers that it effectively sponsors parental abandonment. Love before intercourse, family planning, economic support programs, etc. mean absolutely nothing when there is no Court to hold mothers accountable.
Let's please not lose sight of the fact that many mothers have a lifelong goal to have a child, and 20 yrs of child support is simply a nice add-on.
5
Mr. Brooks, You've oversimplified here in a way that is insulting to mothers, to those of us who had a father walk out on us, and to fathers, too. Even your assertion that the stable two parent family is what "we" want is flawed. Maybe you've tried to fit the great variety among American families and the pressures they face into one tidy article that ends with a moral - It's a mistake.
10
I couldn't agree more!
There is no excuse for not caring for your own flesh and blood . Some humans are incapable of parental love ,it seems .However , all of us, not mentally or physically disabled, can work and provide for our children .If you have children inside or outside of marriage and you are a male of the species ,you are obligated to get off your dead behind and get as many jobs as it takes to provide for your progeny . Period. Anything else is nonsense !
The real problem is that U.S. men have mostly been raised to be entitled little princelings, who view women with same respect they view grocery produce. They view parenting and emotional labor as woman's work, and OF COURSE they're more likely to want the woman's body to do all the work. Society has produced these man-babies, and society can produce ways to help them reach their full potential as men and fathers. Until that happens, single parenting by mothers and healthy, mature members of the village is best for everyone.
11
Touching sentiments, but hard to see how they can be squared with statistics. Compared to other developed countries with no-fault divorce, the United States has roughly twice the percentage of children living without both parents. In winner-take-all jurisdictions within the U.S., such as New York, Massachusetts, California, roughly 75 percent of divorce/custody lawsuits are filed by women (and, in more than 90 percent of the cases, the court declares that the mother will be the primary or "winner" parent). "fathers abandon their own children"? That's a touching story, but if you look at what actually happens a better summary is "fathers discarded by courts as secondary parents".
A shorter summary would be "If you set up a family law system in which the only thing that you want from fathers is cash, probably cash is the main thing that you're going to get from fathers."
(See http://www.realworlddivorce.com/MiddlesexMay2011 for an analysis of a month of cases in a typical U.S. jurisdiction.)
A shorter summary would be "If you set up a family law system in which the only thing that you want from fathers is cash, probably cash is the main thing that you're going to get from fathers."
(See http://www.realworlddivorce.com/MiddlesexMay2011 for an analysis of a month of cases in a typical U.S. jurisdiction.)
3
(I should point out that it is also much more lucrative in the U.S. to get rid of a "secondary parent" than it is in other countries. In Sweden, for example, if it were possible to get rid of a biological co-parent the resulting cashflow would be $2,000/year. The same child might yield $40,000 or $100,000/year (tax-free) in the U.S., depending on the co-parent's income and the state. Americans' behavior in mating and family court is exactly what you'd expect from the economic incentives presented by states. A resident of the U.S. will enjoy a higher spending power by having a brief encounter with a high-income co-parent than by being in a long-term marriage with a middle-income co-parent. Why be surprised that people avail themselves of the higher-spending-power option?)
Seems like there are as many solutions to this problem as there are children in the world. I agree that the father is not always the villain. Unintended pregnancies sometimes require non traditional solutions. It's the biological parents responsibility to find a stable situation for a child. If that means letting people more ready for the challenge adopt, so be it.
As a society, though, we can't judge families through a, one size fits all, mentality.
As a society, though, we can't judge families through a, one size fits all, mentality.
3
Here's a suggestion that might stop some of this behavior--
A recent op-ed about the future Democratic platform suggested a stipend of $250 a month per child. That was widely (and rightly) lambasted as an encouragement for people to have more children irresponsibly. How about doing the opposite? Give each childless person a monthly stipend for as long as they remain childless. Paternity testing now is easy, non-invasive, and relatively cheap. You give birth or father a child, you lose your subsidy (paternity tests are non-invasive, refuse to submit to one and lose your subsidy). The prospect of losing that $250 a month (or whatever the amount) just might persuade some irresponsible would-be parents to use birth control or self control. The cost would be made up by the savings from children we don't have to educate, food stamps we don't have to issue, prisons we don't have to staff.
A recent op-ed about the future Democratic platform suggested a stipend of $250 a month per child. That was widely (and rightly) lambasted as an encouragement for people to have more children irresponsibly. How about doing the opposite? Give each childless person a monthly stipend for as long as they remain childless. Paternity testing now is easy, non-invasive, and relatively cheap. You give birth or father a child, you lose your subsidy (paternity tests are non-invasive, refuse to submit to one and lose your subsidy). The prospect of losing that $250 a month (or whatever the amount) just might persuade some irresponsible would-be parents to use birth control or self control. The cost would be made up by the savings from children we don't have to educate, food stamps we don't have to issue, prisons we don't have to staff.
6
This is a great column with new insights into this issue.
If men with marginal educations and socialization outside the norms of corporate culture and the higher end of the service industry could get jobs that would allow them to own a home in the suburbs as well as support a wife who does not work outside the home and two children, as was the case in Leave it to Beaver, then we probably would not be talking about these problems. Choices are make sure all men are in a position to be viable providers, or government programs, including those that help persons who cannot handle raising children to decide and implement on not doing so. And it's infuriating to note that no one would ever write the same article about mothers, for whom there is no pity if they can't handle motherhood.
2
That's a great idea, A.H., but monogamy would still not be an economically rational outcome. In New York, for example, child support for one child is roughly one third of the defendant's after tax income (17 percent of pretax). Thus, even if someone at the lower end of the income scale earned more, a New York resident would always enjoy higher spending power by having two kids with two different higher-income co-parents than by having two kids in a long-term relationship with a lower-income co-parent. (It doesn't make financial sense to have two kids with the same co-parent because the formula for that is only 25 percent of pretax income.)
Some people will act against their economic interest, of course, but it is not reasonable to expect that everyone will.
Some people will act against their economic interest, of course, but it is not reasonable to expect that everyone will.
1
Why is the stable two-parent family the only answer? Why not think of new models that allow various adults to be involved in creative ways? I certainly believe that poverty undermines the ability to be a successful parent, in multiple ways, and that we need to alleviate poverty. I also think that we prevent men ftom being full oarents and tgat this is bad for everyone. But I also know of a few families who from the outset did not follow the model of precisely two adults who are intensively involved with both each other and the children, as well as biologically related to the children they raised. Wouldn't a variety of models work better for the complex situations we sometimes gat ourselves into?
7
I don't believe the author is pushing the 2 person model, it's more the biological/legal minimal of two person.
Wrong. The problem is a culture of child-men, 30-somethings heavily invested in video games, Marvel movies, man-cave escapes from the family, and generally clinging to childhood decades beyond what is appropriate. Here is why so many fathers leave: As women become farther removed from embracing life in the trenches as "primary care giver," men are not stepping up because they were never raised to do the million messy, repetitive, and boring tasks of parenthood. Many would rather leave. They are just not tough enough for parenthood. It's a real man's game.
16
He left his children when he met a woman who had some money and that was that. He was ordered to pay $50 a month to support his 2 children, a low amount because he was busy supporting her children.
3
Curious how the party of family values makes it so hard for families to survive in America. Health care and education and wages and day care and paid parental leave and affordable housing... none of which are Republican policy matters.
12
No amount of money can make someone more responsible. We teach people they can stay teenagers until they are much older. We teach people that they can get away from anything that is too hard.
I was thinking of a generation who wants safe spaces. You cannot have that when you have a child. You have to sacrifice. Your needs will not be a priority.
In many milieus, it's a pattern that repeats itself. Irresponsible fathers make irresponsible children. It's not society that should take care of these poor abandoned children it's the parents role. So, first let's cut financial aid after one child. One mistake should be enough. To sensitize mothers to financial matters is the way to go.
I have known men who were abandoned and vowed they wouldn't do the same thing. And they didn't. It's the exception. Their secret? A strong mother, going into the army, and strength of character. So, since a lot of men don't have that luck, lack of financial incentives is the way to go. If they don't pay child support, they get cut off from any governmental aid, for anything.
I was thinking of a generation who wants safe spaces. You cannot have that when you have a child. You have to sacrifice. Your needs will not be a priority.
In many milieus, it's a pattern that repeats itself. Irresponsible fathers make irresponsible children. It's not society that should take care of these poor abandoned children it's the parents role. So, first let's cut financial aid after one child. One mistake should be enough. To sensitize mothers to financial matters is the way to go.
I have known men who were abandoned and vowed they wouldn't do the same thing. And they didn't. It's the exception. Their secret? A strong mother, going into the army, and strength of character. So, since a lot of men don't have that luck, lack of financial incentives is the way to go. If they don't pay child support, they get cut off from any governmental aid, for anything.
Each member of a family has responsibilities and expectations whether they are married in the formal sense, a mother, a father and children and these need to be understood and are constantly evolving as the child grows and relationships change. When there is a break up the parents and especially the child are left with shattered expectations and a need to find new grounds for their relationships. Children will not have both parents around all of the time so feel abandoned. A mother and yes the father will have new financial responsibilities. There comes a realization that though you have left you are never 'free' of what has happened and must find away to move on. These are situations fraught with emotions no one was prepared to confront. The blame game does not work and only results in more pain so change will happen and going with that change is absolutely essential.
2
There's a fantastic program in Chicago called "The Dovetail Project" . Run by its founder Sheldon Smith. Groups of father's that want to be good father's learn just exactly how to do that by the mentors who run the program.
"The Dovetail Project" has received accolades from Anderson Cooper through his CNN Heroes program, and many others.
Rahm Emmanuel would do well to check out this program and all it's success and do everything in his power to see that continues.
Other cities should & could learn more about the project and embrace Mr. Smith for setting an excellent example.
"The Dovetail Project" has received accolades from Anderson Cooper through his CNN Heroes program, and many others.
Rahm Emmanuel would do well to check out this program and all it's success and do everything in his power to see that continues.
Other cities should & could learn more about the project and embrace Mr. Smith for setting an excellent example.
2
I wonder how many of the commenters read the entire article. If you read the whole article, it's clear that many of these relationships were quite casual. Family planning was an afterthought, at best. How would having a higher income fix that? N.Y. Times readers are often caricatured as liberals who blame the government, or poverty, for everything. Based on many
comments here, that sounds accurate. I'm politically progressive myself, but it's disturbing to see that so few of the commenters mention the lack of personal responsibility on these parents' part. Getting pregnant is a serious decision. Many of these parents seem selfish and immature. Having a higher-paying job won't change that.
comments here, that sounds accurate. I'm politically progressive myself, but it's disturbing to see that so few of the commenters mention the lack of personal responsibility on these parents' part. Getting pregnant is a serious decision. Many of these parents seem selfish and immature. Having a higher-paying job won't change that.
16
This all revolves around money. In a more just and equal society, this problem will magically disappear. Mark my words. How can you be sure you want to spend years with anybody if you are not sure even where you alone are going to be the next year? How can you create a budget if you don't have a reliable, stable, sufficient income?
2
As I thank David Brooks for addressing this important topic, it should be noted that it's not just among poor children that this happens, and speaking from my own experience as an abandoned child, the scars last a lifetime. ALL men and women need to grasp that bringing a child into the world is one of the most profound things they will ever do.
6
You look to poor young parents to provide what our society refuses: a stable, safe environment for ALL children, with excellent early childcare, education, and healthcare until they reach adulthood, including education for a satisfying work life that allows them to form stable families. And you want them to do this while Republicans, your fellow travelers, deprive ever more of these young parents-to-be of sex education, contraception, and safe, legal abortion.
That position is morally untenable. I think we should provide optional, year-round, excellent early childcare and mandatory pre-K to 12 public education from infancy through high school, which would dramatically improve US education levels. School and childcare should come with 2 free, nutritionally sound meals/day for each kid. so every American child is well fed and no stigma around "school lunch."
Children should have year-round access to free, excellent after-school programs, designed to support the healthy development of bodies and minds, which would relieve parents of the struggle to find affordable childcare so they can work and keep enough earnings to support their households. Children should have access to free pediatric healthcare clinics, including dental care, located in or near public schools. Teenagers should be able to get free birth control through those clinics, to break the cycle of unplanned children.
Kids raised like this in a supportive society have a chance to become responsible, loving parents.
That position is morally untenable. I think we should provide optional, year-round, excellent early childcare and mandatory pre-K to 12 public education from infancy through high school, which would dramatically improve US education levels. School and childcare should come with 2 free, nutritionally sound meals/day for each kid. so every American child is well fed and no stigma around "school lunch."
Children should have year-round access to free, excellent after-school programs, designed to support the healthy development of bodies and minds, which would relieve parents of the struggle to find affordable childcare so they can work and keep enough earnings to support their households. Children should have access to free pediatric healthcare clinics, including dental care, located in or near public schools. Teenagers should be able to get free birth control through those clinics, to break the cycle of unplanned children.
Kids raised like this in a supportive society have a chance to become responsible, loving parents.
6
How about practicing self control over lustful impulses?
1
I don't think that it is "Good news" that these men "want to succeed as fathers". Since they aren't prepared to be fathers it is that "want" which keeps them going on to father more children they will abandon. The mothers "abandon their children too as they shift their allegiance to the next, and, "better" man. A tension develops among the new man, the mother and the child or children from previous relationships. The new man is sharing his wife with children who biologically belong to another man and who are a drain on his, and the family's slim resources - from his point of view. It is difficult to imagine from this vantage point that these ill-prepared parents can ever "pull it together" to take care of the small vulnerable humans that they are meant to care for, protect and teach to be functioning adults themselves. We need to find a way, as a society, to care for all of us. The idea that those who are struggling are expendable multiplies the numbers of those people in each generation.
2
There is another aspect of this that rarely gets discussed, and that is the abandonment of the extended family – grandparents, uncles, aunties.
Many years ago, my brother-in-law decided that he no longer wanted to continue the marriage. My sister was enraged, and the ensuing divorce was nasty. Three kids – ages five through eleven – became ‘possessions’ at that point. What was a pretty great relationship as an uncle got sidetracked, and over time I lost touch. Pre-breakup, I felt that I was almost a daily part of their raising; afterwards it was a struggle just for face-time. Years later, while I still reach out and hear occasionally from all three, I cannot help but feel sadness for what might have been. They’re scattered across several states, now have their own families and struggles. I'm little more than a name in an address book.
Over the years, I know of discussion of grandparental (and ‘uncle’) rights. Practically though, adding more litigation isn’t a great answer. And, there’s a different dynamic between the grandparent/parent and the uncle/brother relationship.
I thank Mr. Brooks for another fine article. Regardless of the cause and circumstance, it is truly tragic that children become essentially collateral damage for the failures of their parents and our society.
Many years ago, my brother-in-law decided that he no longer wanted to continue the marriage. My sister was enraged, and the ensuing divorce was nasty. Three kids – ages five through eleven – became ‘possessions’ at that point. What was a pretty great relationship as an uncle got sidetracked, and over time I lost touch. Pre-breakup, I felt that I was almost a daily part of their raising; afterwards it was a struggle just for face-time. Years later, while I still reach out and hear occasionally from all three, I cannot help but feel sadness for what might have been. They’re scattered across several states, now have their own families and struggles. I'm little more than a name in an address book.
Over the years, I know of discussion of grandparental (and ‘uncle’) rights. Practically though, adding more litigation isn’t a great answer. And, there’s a different dynamic between the grandparent/parent and the uncle/brother relationship.
I thank Mr. Brooks for another fine article. Regardless of the cause and circumstance, it is truly tragic that children become essentially collateral damage for the failures of their parents and our society.
6
Mr. Brooks has an *interesting* read on this phenomena, which he rather wishfully attributes to good intentions to all parties and has, as its covert thesis, that the dissipation of partner bonds among the lower orders is inevitable - they're not that smart, they're not that committed, they mean well but just can't do it.
This is no different from Victorian attitudes towards the same in indutrial revolution London, and is just as incorrect.
When people lack economic security at any level, and (for some populations, notably PoC, but also the desperately poor whites of the former interior of the US) are depicted as hopelessly unable to adapt and better themselves, they'll seek solace in whatever's available (and cheap), be it sex or drugs or whatnot. The right wing in this country has demonized abortion for so long (for no other reason than political convenience - look up Paul Weyrich's choice of abortion as an issue in the 1970s) that many women do not consider it.
In many cases, it would lead them to demonstrably better opportunity sets - they would not have children as dependents and would have, at least, the option to educate themselves and possibly find a way out of crushing poverty.
But the US, as a society, thoughtlessly praises people who have children (and opprobrium on those who elect not to do so) and so we perpetuate a cycle in which people who live in poverty have children and so lock themselves into further poverty - and teach their children the same.
This is no different from Victorian attitudes towards the same in indutrial revolution London, and is just as incorrect.
When people lack economic security at any level, and (for some populations, notably PoC, but also the desperately poor whites of the former interior of the US) are depicted as hopelessly unable to adapt and better themselves, they'll seek solace in whatever's available (and cheap), be it sex or drugs or whatnot. The right wing in this country has demonized abortion for so long (for no other reason than political convenience - look up Paul Weyrich's choice of abortion as an issue in the 1970s) that many women do not consider it.
In many cases, it would lead them to demonstrably better opportunity sets - they would not have children as dependents and would have, at least, the option to educate themselves and possibly find a way out of crushing poverty.
But the US, as a society, thoughtlessly praises people who have children (and opprobrium on those who elect not to do so) and so we perpetuate a cycle in which people who live in poverty have children and so lock themselves into further poverty - and teach their children the same.
2
Many men are too narcissistic to think about the impact of their leaving on anyone else. They try to justify it in various ways - usually by criticizing their former wife or girlfriend as 'crazy, demanding, incompatible, unreasonable'. However, it's often the case that they really didn't mind her much when she devoted all her attention to him, but now he feels displaced by the child(ren).
I wish NYT would focus more on the impacts on the children. The children have to cope with lifelong fear of abandonment, and it can really affect their own ability to form relationships. In fact, some of them will repeat the same behavior when they have their own children, because that's the example they saw, or will avoid commitment out of fear of the same outcome.
I wish NYT would focus more on the impacts on the children. The children have to cope with lifelong fear of abandonment, and it can really affect their own ability to form relationships. In fact, some of them will repeat the same behavior when they have their own children, because that's the example they saw, or will avoid commitment out of fear of the same outcome.
12
A marriage works when the wife puts the husband first, and the children second, and when the husband does the same for the wife. If you are dumb enough to displace your husband for your children, you deserve what you get. Children need order, security, stability and love. They do not need to be turned into status symbols for Mommy, or fetish objects. Exactly how do you justify to your partner pushing them down to the bottom of the priority list when you have children? What does that say to them? How do you think that feels? I travel a lot and I am appalled by how often I see mothers in airports who are absolutely focused on themselves and the children, and struggling along behind them is the father, basically alone, who is now a combination of pack mule and annoyance. If you ignore your partner in favor of the children, he/she is going to leave, eventually.
Becoming Dad, written by the pulitzer prize winning columnist and author, in 1999, provides illustrations of individuals engaged in this struggle as well as advice on mechanisms that might be useful to men caught up in this debilitating syndrome
Research or no research, this explanation of parental abdication seems highly romanticized.
"On the contrary, three-quarters of the men in Edin and Nelson’s research were joyous at the news." I find this difficult to believe.
"On the contrary, three-quarters of the men in Edin and Nelson’s research were joyous at the news." I find this difficult to believe.
8
Yes, and why no mention of the fear the new mother might experience along with joy. When are we ever going to get that having a baby is fraught with emotions of all kinds from delight to dread.
Sir: just where does the vilification of contraception fit into this scenario??
I suppose Women are to abstain from sex, forever. Fine with me, I'm going thru menopause, and I'm nasty. In the real world, until " conservatives" get over their fixation on control of WOMENS' sex lives, this will never change.
Drive- Thru " fatherhood". Fast Food Breeding. Allow Women to control their OWN bodies, finally, and this will change. For the better.
I suppose Women are to abstain from sex, forever. Fine with me, I'm going thru menopause, and I'm nasty. In the real world, until " conservatives" get over their fixation on control of WOMENS' sex lives, this will never change.
Drive- Thru " fatherhood". Fast Food Breeding. Allow Women to control their OWN bodies, finally, and this will change. For the better.
11
Yes; any article that has as its *first* practical recommendation, "find someone you love before you have intercourse" is wildly delusional. We need long-acting reversible contraceptives (LARCs) given to *all* young people free of charge, *as well as* condoms to prevent the spread of STIs. I'm nearly 50 and there's no way I'm waiting for love before I have sex again; I do not expect a teen to exercise more self-control than I am willing to. Sex is fun; enjoy your life, and do it as if you're going to live to 100.
1
No one is stopping women from using contraception. It's silly comments like this that demean the very idea of a woman having control over herself, personal responsibility and all.
The black youth unemployment rate is 25% while the Fed says the economy is approaching "full employment". The 18th and 19th century government institutions we have do not nurture the economy, create jobs, nor allow fathers to work to support families.
China has built 12,000 miles of high speed rail while we don't have a single mile of high speed rail.
The government's published unemployment rates are fiction. The jobs that are created are low-wage, and unskilled.
For 100 years each time the economy starts to grow and wages increase, the increased wages are labeled inflation and the Fed increases interest rates to stifle growth and pay the banks. This anti-wage policy has flat-lined wages for decades. There is no policy of a living wage.
China has built 12,000 miles of high speed rail while we don't have a single mile of high speed rail.
The government's published unemployment rates are fiction. The jobs that are created are low-wage, and unskilled.
For 100 years each time the economy starts to grow and wages increase, the increased wages are labeled inflation and the Fed increases interest rates to stifle growth and pay the banks. This anti-wage policy has flat-lined wages for decades. There is no policy of a living wage.
4
“Why Fathers Leave Their Children”
Dear Mr. Brooks,
80% of the time I agree with your analogy, but not this time.
The problem why fathers leave their children rests much deeper. Many fathers are overwhelmed because they never had a chance to grow into adult man and consequently cannot care responsibility. The “Imprint” of their childhood is the real reason. If you like to go deeper on this subject please read: “The Biological Effects of Childhood Trauma” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3968319/
Dear Mr. Brooks,
80% of the time I agree with your analogy, but not this time.
The problem why fathers leave their children rests much deeper. Many fathers are overwhelmed because they never had a chance to grow into adult man and consequently cannot care responsibility. The “Imprint” of their childhood is the real reason. If you like to go deeper on this subject please read: “The Biological Effects of Childhood Trauma” https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3968319/
12
It’s a tough situation. I think the steps that Brooks outlines are positive and could help but they aren’t going to stop anyone from having kids. Having children is just such a wonderful part of the being human that you simply are not going to ever stop people from having kids regardless of their socioeconomic status or the possibilities of a long term relationship between the parents. Having kids is just a universal human desire, and it doesn’t matter if you are rich, poor, educated, uneducated or somewhere in the middle. Regardless of their chosen family structure almost everyone loves having kids and they are going to have them.
I think the prevalence of single moms is due to massive forces in society and very powerful human motives that we really can’t do anything about. I think the situation is what it is and there is nothing we can do to change it. So we should do what we can to better support single moms. I think we should have much much more government social programs in place to support non traditional families, such as a basic minimum income.
I think the prevalence of single moms is due to massive forces in society and very powerful human motives that we really can’t do anything about. I think the situation is what it is and there is nothing we can do to change it. So we should do what we can to better support single moms. I think we should have much much more government social programs in place to support non traditional families, such as a basic minimum income.
1
"The mothers want to trade up"? David, how many of the mothers have you interviewed?
12
Our biology cares only for reproduction
I was a quant in child support enforcement, drove around with cops to enforce child support warrants, I'm a PhD Social Science researcher. The GF, an attorney, does 'matrimonial,' both sides, dads or moms, (in quotes b/c many of the pairs were never married)
Dads leave for many reasons, upscale and down, moms leave dads for many reasons; the financial hit on mom is always harder
Neo-local nuclear family is one of many forms, these moms are as likely to seek sperm donors and nothing else, as to grieve over dad's departure; extended matrilocal families of kids, moms, and grand moms are surely normative
Given the normalization of pregnancy termination, and de facto full availability, all such children are, after conception, chosen to live
Dads have a genetic reproductive imperative for hybrid vigor, multiple pairings for multiple gamete mixing, to maximize survival of each DNA strand
It might well be that the neo-local nuclear family is an artifact, a 'luxury' item
As a social scientist, I seek to 'locate' these dads sociologically, age income race education employment social competency, criminal records, social integration, all that stuff we pointy-heads use to pin the butterfly on the specimen board
The lineage, multiple generations of abandonment, is likely a correlated variable
Such abandonment seems to date from the Great Society 1960s when we improved our lower classes with assistance
Also ask about the dads who stay
I was a quant in child support enforcement, drove around with cops to enforce child support warrants, I'm a PhD Social Science researcher. The GF, an attorney, does 'matrimonial,' both sides, dads or moms, (in quotes b/c many of the pairs were never married)
Dads leave for many reasons, upscale and down, moms leave dads for many reasons; the financial hit on mom is always harder
Neo-local nuclear family is one of many forms, these moms are as likely to seek sperm donors and nothing else, as to grieve over dad's departure; extended matrilocal families of kids, moms, and grand moms are surely normative
Given the normalization of pregnancy termination, and de facto full availability, all such children are, after conception, chosen to live
Dads have a genetic reproductive imperative for hybrid vigor, multiple pairings for multiple gamete mixing, to maximize survival of each DNA strand
It might well be that the neo-local nuclear family is an artifact, a 'luxury' item
As a social scientist, I seek to 'locate' these dads sociologically, age income race education employment social competency, criminal records, social integration, all that stuff we pointy-heads use to pin the butterfly on the specimen board
The lineage, multiple generations of abandonment, is likely a correlated variable
Such abandonment seems to date from the Great Society 1960s when we improved our lower classes with assistance
Also ask about the dads who stay
5
You have resurrected the old tropes and male expectations of a subservient and pliable wife or female partner. The "Leave it to Beaver" fantasies of men need to be critiqued as what they are. Male domination of a professional life, male privilege and power, and the "little woman" waiting at home to serve his every wish on his return home. Ridiculous and oppressive. Then you make women seem mercenary in their hopes for a different man who might actually provide for the child. And of course you fail to acknowledge that is almost every case the woman is expected to keep, care for, and raise the child. There may be fathers who want to be a part of their children's lives but the sexist assumptions in this piece are deplorable.
8
Right on.
Fabulous wringing Mr. Brooks. Raised two sons as a single mom -one who is a father of two and is doing a wonderful job on raising them with the great help of his wife.
I though I would never praise your column!
I though I would never praise your column!
"Pregnancy is rarely planned among the populations they studied." Which is why we need more of Planned Parenthood and fewer apologists for the position that comprehensive sex education, easily available contraception, and legal early abortions are evil and to be eliminated. You have been a fellow traveler with those folks, Mr. Brooks. Fathers who planned ahead to be fathers when their bond with the mother-to-be was strong enough, and their economic situation stable, rarely abandon their children. Every child SHOULD be a wanted child, even before the start.
4
Did you read the article?
It's encouraging to hear that many of these fathers actually want to be good dads to their kids. The problem seems to be the immaturity of both parents. If these "couples" used birth control, children would not be born into these sad situations. Getting pregnant is, or should be, a serious decision. The failure to use birth control reveals these parents to be very immature and selfish. But the situation will be worsened by the Trump administration's reducing access to birth control and abortion: Love the fetus; children, not so much.
6
you're breaking my heart...
"These guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives. The child is a chance to turn things around and live a disciplined life. The child is a chance to have a respected role, to find love and purpose.".
Children should not be used to cause grown-ups to act like grown-ups. In a parent-child relationship, there is room for only one child: the child. Regardless of real difficulties in navigating to provide consistent parenthood, it must be done. If the progenitor is not responsible enough to cope with these challenges, they need to zip up - problem solved.
"These guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives. The child is a chance to turn things around and live a disciplined life. The child is a chance to have a respected role, to find love and purpose.".
Children should not be used to cause grown-ups to act like grown-ups. In a parent-child relationship, there is room for only one child: the child. Regardless of real difficulties in navigating to provide consistent parenthood, it must be done. If the progenitor is not responsible enough to cope with these challenges, they need to zip up - problem solved.
5
Raising children is challenging, even when they are wanted. Nearly half of all pregnancies in this country are unplanned. Until family planning education and all birth control is free and universal, we will continue to have endemic levels of child abuse, child poverty, and parental abandonment.
And the first thing you Republicans what to do is get rid of Plan Parenthood, Republicans are such great opinion writers.
7
As a welfare caseworker, years ago, a family had to be 'fatherless" in order for mothers to qualify for benefits, including the critically important medicaid. I know families, today, who are not married because the woman needs the prenatal care that she can only get from being unmarried and on medicaid.
4
Why is she pregnant at all if she can't afford it? Birth control is cheaper than a child.
1
Just because a man is a biological parent does not mean that having them be in the child's life is a benefit to the child. In many cases they are doing the child a favor by vanishing. It is sad when this happens, and it leaves behind a huge hole while the child is growing up - but is it really better to have a "father" there who is distant, abusive, addicted or unable to show love and compassion for the child? Many men, my son included, will come forward to fill in the gap that the absent "father" leaves behind and will take on the role of daddy and adopt the children and be everything a father should be. My son is doing that right now for his non-biological son he is adopting and giving his name to. Some children are far better off with a parent who loves them with all their heart, no matter if the child has their DNA or not.
5
Arguably, unwed pregnancies are one of the greatest ills plaguing American society. Maybe we'll begin to take it seriously before it's too late. Education from the sixth grade onwards should focus on this, since parents don't, as if teachers and administrators needed another responsibility.
6
I'll bet good jobs at decent pay for everyone would go a long way to stabilizing families around the country.
3
The standard visitation (that word says it all) for a father who worked outside the home is every other weekend. Such limited contact between a father and child is a relic of those long ago times when fathers came home, read the paper, ate dinner, and maybe read his children a story. Fathers are much more involved with child rearing, but family law and practice hasn't caught up. Every other weekend simply isn't enough. That's not a reason for a father to leave, but it is a reason for the father-child connection to wither, which contributes to father's leaving.
2
Paul: Of course you are right about the predictable effect of demoting one biological parent to an every-other-weekend babysitter. However, the winner-loser parent and every-other-weekend outcome is no longer "standard" in every U.S. state. Pennsylvania, Delaware, Arizona, Nevada, Colorado, and Alaska have moved either by law or custom to a 50/50 shared parenting default. (See http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ for the details.)
Thank you for including the oft-overlooked reality that black single fathers are more involved their children's lives than their white counterparts.
It's time to also address another overlooked reality. Millions of non-poor fathers leave their children, too. One who is currently running our country. By all accounts, Mr. Trump funds Tiffany Trump, his daughter with Marla Maples, but rarely sees or parents her.
He and many others are default role models for poorer peers, and millions of children--especially boys.
Poor families deserve our understanding and support. And perhaps we should reseach those poor (mostly black) fathers who remain to parent their children. But it's a mistake to ignore wealthier absent fathers, even if they constitute a minority for the moment.
They are, I'd argue, a harbinger of larger familial and social issues.
Where is the research (in our capitalistic country) that asks why wealthy fathers abandon their children?
Which of their concerns relate to their poorer counterparts? Which don't? Which serve as implicit male modeling for all men and boys in all realms? What are the implications for a society when it's most financially stable men physically and emotionally abandon their children?
How will these future leaders -- perhaps paid for by their fathers, but, otherwise impoverished of paternal presence -- follow (or avoid) the lead of their primary male role models? And what impact will that have on our country and world?
It's time to also address another overlooked reality. Millions of non-poor fathers leave their children, too. One who is currently running our country. By all accounts, Mr. Trump funds Tiffany Trump, his daughter with Marla Maples, but rarely sees or parents her.
He and many others are default role models for poorer peers, and millions of children--especially boys.
Poor families deserve our understanding and support. And perhaps we should reseach those poor (mostly black) fathers who remain to parent their children. But it's a mistake to ignore wealthier absent fathers, even if they constitute a minority for the moment.
They are, I'd argue, a harbinger of larger familial and social issues.
Where is the research (in our capitalistic country) that asks why wealthy fathers abandon their children?
Which of their concerns relate to their poorer counterparts? Which don't? Which serve as implicit male modeling for all men and boys in all realms? What are the implications for a society when it's most financially stable men physically and emotionally abandon their children?
How will these future leaders -- perhaps paid for by their fathers, but, otherwise impoverished of paternal presence -- follow (or avoid) the lead of their primary male role models? And what impact will that have on our country and world?
4
Family dynamics are an eternal problem but more so because we human are more aware in every aspect of our existence. A tradition is no longer the only yardsticks with the help of communication and instant messaging. So is a two parent always the best? Cross culturally, it is not necessarily the case. Part of China has been a seafarer culture. Children are left behind while the fathers sail the four corners of the world. There may be eventual re-unification when the fathers settled. Their family structure is not necessarily bad though. But the recent phenomenon when immigrants sending their children back to China to be raised by their grandparents is highly questionable.
Back to a more American mainstream issue. Are single parent households worse than abusive parent households? I don't think so! Obviously, single parenthood is not homogenous. High income vs. low income.
Finally, how about kibbutz? Community parenting?
We live in interesting times, Mr Brooks. Maybe our future parents are AI and robots
Back to a more American mainstream issue. Are single parent households worse than abusive parent households? I don't think so! Obviously, single parenthood is not homogenous. High income vs. low income.
Finally, how about kibbutz? Community parenting?
We live in interesting times, Mr Brooks. Maybe our future parents are AI and robots
1
Bos: Studies of children raised in kibbutzim indicated pretty strongly that they had a powerful group identity but weren't as able to form strong intimate stable longterm relationships. There's no substitute for the nuclear family, no matter how flawed it too can be.
3
@SCA - but what does "intimate stable longterm relationships" mean? Obviously, we have heard of enduring romance when husband & wife died within an hour of each other. Alas, the flip side of jealousy and possessiveness is also true.
My point of my lengthy original comment is that social models are nice until you dig deeper into other cultural artifacts.
As a rock n roll song goes, "love the one you are with." Anything wrong with that. Maybe, maybe not. There are many levels to every configuration. Obviously, deadbeat parents, father or mother, to be fair, are terrible. But it could be worse. Saying a single parent family is the root of social ill is at best too simplistic and very often being hijacked by reactionaries against social progress. That's all I was trying to convey
My point of my lengthy original comment is that social models are nice until you dig deeper into other cultural artifacts.
As a rock n roll song goes, "love the one you are with." Anything wrong with that. Maybe, maybe not. There are many levels to every configuration. Obviously, deadbeat parents, father or mother, to be fair, are terrible. But it could be worse. Saying a single parent family is the root of social ill is at best too simplistic and very often being hijacked by reactionaries against social progress. That's all I was trying to convey
Great article. I see only one bridge - stay on the pill until you have an established career.
6
"In truth, when fathers abandon their own children, it’s not a momentary decision; it’s a long, tragic process"
I'm skeptical that this statement is true in all cases. My father (and mother) abandoned me when I was an infant. I lived in foster care for 9 years until he decided he wanted me me back which the courts agreed to. Then he abandoned me again as an absentee and abusive parent. There was no long tragic process. I was the victim of a very immature person acting upon their own selfish impulses. He was a college educated person who never grew up. In the end he was an alcoholic who blamed me for his miserable life.
The events that saved me were interacting with other adult figures that did show me love and gave me positive reinforcement. I met these figures through school and after school programs that were supported by the federal government. Children need unconditional love, and if their parents aren't providing that, other caring people can make a difference so when these kids grow up they don't pass down the same mistakes their parents made. Teachers and caregivers should be making $150,000 a year. Hedge fund managers should be making $30,000.
I'm skeptical that this statement is true in all cases. My father (and mother) abandoned me when I was an infant. I lived in foster care for 9 years until he decided he wanted me me back which the courts agreed to. Then he abandoned me again as an absentee and abusive parent. There was no long tragic process. I was the victim of a very immature person acting upon their own selfish impulses. He was a college educated person who never grew up. In the end he was an alcoholic who blamed me for his miserable life.
The events that saved me were interacting with other adult figures that did show me love and gave me positive reinforcement. I met these figures through school and after school programs that were supported by the federal government. Children need unconditional love, and if their parents aren't providing that, other caring people can make a difference so when these kids grow up they don't pass down the same mistakes their parents made. Teachers and caregivers should be making $150,000 a year. Hedge fund managers should be making $30,000.
12
How can Mr. Brooks write a piece so glaringly narrow? This study was about a certain segment of the population. Surely they don't stand in for everyone. Ask someone if he would like to be a good person in any regard, and by and large you'll get a yes. Words are not actions. I am sure my father, highly educated as he was, who left his five children for drinking and sexual freedom, would have said he wanted to be a good dad. He wasn't. Thanks for making excuses for him, Mr. Brooks.
39
My highly educated white father left my mother and their four children for another woman. He never seemed to understand the emotional loss we all felt. I look at pictures of me and my siblings when we were very young and I have to wonder what he possibly was thinking to leave us and not care for us. He never grasped fatherhood and we all were the poorer for it.
12
My great-grandfather left his family of six and never looked back. This was in the 20's I think. 5 girls and 1 boy. They never spoke of him to anyone and if you made the mistake of bringing the subject up you could expect an icy stare and the abrupt end of the conversation. He started a family somewhere else (in the same town in NJ, if you can imagine!). They never recovered, financially it devastated them and psychologically too. Such awful selfishness.
Though this issue doesn't involve me personally, I'm glad this article has been written. There are plenty of deadbeat dads, but also many dads who expected a lot more from fatherhood.
They have to deal with women who don't want them around, women who mistreat them and question every step of their attempt at fatherhood. Very often the dad moves away not because he wants to leave his kids, but because he can't handle the mother.
They have to deal with women who don't want them around, women who mistreat them and question every step of their attempt at fatherhood. Very often the dad moves away not because he wants to leave his kids, but because he can't handle the mother.
5
During an engagement in child advocacy for 40 years I must have participated in hundreds of planning sessions to deal with the issues presented here by Brooks, as the issue touches criminal and juvenile justice, school dropout and discipline, welfare policy, employment, social work and housing issues. When I retired someone asked me what the biggest take away from years spent in policy making and juvenile court endeavors. Especially when considering the abuse and neglect cases I sigh and consider how many children should not have be born at all through better sex and consequences education, planning, and social policies I found the fundamentalist churches and draconian political views of the Right as obstacles to sensible policies on sex education and contraception. One universal policy recommendation in crime prevention, drop out prevention, abuse prevention was in regard to preventing the birth of children in circumstances that have proven indicators of such failures. That discussion seemed as salient as the socio economic one in dealing with the issues on a macro level. And as progressive as I like to think I am I left the field with a renewed respect for marriage and family planning.
9
A number of years ago, one of my uncles gave my father a little gift for Father's Day, a sign that said, "The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother." That rang true to me at the time, not only because a man who loves his children's mother is more likely to stick around, but also because it puts the relationships in a good order when the parents focus on their own relationship.
That said, a friend of mine was recently divorced. She has two children, one in high school and one in middle school. Their father has made clear he has no intention of helping pay for their college costs. I know this is just one story out of millions, but it strikes me that this has often happened in similar situations. Parents divorce, and one member of the former couple, usually but not always the father, decides that parental responsibilities are no longer operative.
That said, a friend of mine was recently divorced. She has two children, one in high school and one in middle school. Their father has made clear he has no intention of helping pay for their college costs. I know this is just one story out of millions, but it strikes me that this has often happened in similar situations. Parents divorce, and one member of the former couple, usually but not always the father, decides that parental responsibilities are no longer operative.
6
It's nearly father's day and how nice to focus on fathers. I found the research fascinating and the comments thought provoking. Since I am female, my suggestion is that while we work on these men, we teach women to use and guard their birth control as if their entire future depends on it. Because it does.
11
I think for many of these young women that is all the future they envision.
Pediatricians need to reach out to the fathers of their patients, during the American Academy of Pediatrics' 'Pre-Natal visit." Keeping Dad firmly in the orbit of their respective child's care gives them confidence to bond, and be a part of the infant's life.
2
"Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable..." Worded as if it's out of the guy's control--bad luck or systemic oppression. But they're decisions the man makes, and he can decide differently. As a father, he has a RESPONSIBILITY to decide differently, even if he doesn't live with his baby's mother. Both parents are making decisions with little consideration of the long term, from having unprotected sex with folks without vetting their parenting and partnering characteristics to conceiving, delivering and keeping babies they are not financially or emotionally prepared to parent to jumping into subsequent relationships for immediate gratification, disregarding signs that the new partner is no more appropriate a mate than the last. At the risk of being vilified as a eugenicist, I continue to urge everyone to use contraception religiously, avail yourself of abortion services (while and where you still can) if you have an unintended pregnancy, and only have unprotected sex with a partner whose genes and traits you would like to see in your child and who demonstrates the qualities you would want in a parenting partner. Eschew unprotected sex if you aren't financially self-supporting. Don't risk procreating with someone who abuses substances, shows a pattern of criminal activity, shows signs of severe mental or personality disorder, or demonstrates a lack of honesty and poor conflict resolution skills. Teach your children this.
5
The elephant in this room is affordable and easy access to contraception as well as access to the "morning after" option. Men who do not want to be fathers or who are not sure their partners want to be mothers should use prophylaxis...period.
7
Do you really expect factual insights from emotionally immature. serial deadbeat dads who beat women and abandon their offspring ?
8
Proper, widespread use of birth control would eliminate a great deal of deadbeat dads and abandoned mothers and children. Why isn't this a part of the discussion?
11
I'm sorry, but good intentions are not an excuse for irresponsibility, by either men or women. Call me old fashioned, but in my day
- couples didn't engage in frequent unprotected sex without first marrying or at very least making a permanent commitment to each other;
- even after they were committed to each other, couples routinely put off having children until they had the financial stability to make this practical, without depending on government assistance to support their family;
- couples who had unexpected pregnancies before they were ready to have children either aborted the child, gave it up for adoption (sometimes by a family member with a more stable home situation), or accepted the responsibility to stay together and raise the child as a family;
- responsibility for a child one has parented trumped the selfish search for a "perfect soulmate";
- one who shunned these responsibilities was in turn shunned by the community at large.
- couples didn't engage in frequent unprotected sex without first marrying or at very least making a permanent commitment to each other;
- even after they were committed to each other, couples routinely put off having children until they had the financial stability to make this practical, without depending on government assistance to support their family;
- couples who had unexpected pregnancies before they were ready to have children either aborted the child, gave it up for adoption (sometimes by a family member with a more stable home situation), or accepted the responsibility to stay together and raise the child as a family;
- responsibility for a child one has parented trumped the selfish search for a "perfect soulmate";
- one who shunned these responsibilities was in turn shunned by the community at large.
6
I'm sorry to say, but those standards are gone. We live by them and hopefully our children (now young adults) will, but talking to my kids, these are things that are long gone.
Family law is set up in an explicitly amoral fashion. And certainly politicians love to celebrate "single parents" without asking how these voters came to be in exclusive possession of children. So beating the 1950s white-picket-fence drum doesn't work. Consider a guy who gave up his career because his wife was a successful physician. He goes into a typical state's family court saying "I discovered these two attractive 25-year-olds on Craigslist and that's why I would like to get rid of my 55-year-old wife" will be warmly welcomed and given half of what the wife saved over her career plus 50 percent of what is going to be earning going forward and 50 percent of her retirement savings. Nobody is going to scold him for failure to adhere to "old-fashioned" values.
2
Mr. Brooks, I must say..you seem to take a look at these men as if they don't know HOW women get pregnant. Child rearing is not for the faint of heart...that's why most women do it because it's hard.
9
Sorry, no excuse, except perhaps mental illness/addiction. It's one thing to leave a wife, or girlfriend, but inexcusable to abandon one's children.
6
The blithe postscript of "a few economic support programs" is infuriating.
Bring in year-round schools, GED programs, job training programs and tax relief for companies to come in and train and employ workers. That will break the cycle of poverty, and will go a long way toward building healthy *sustainable* families who won't need public assistance later on and have the luxury of parenting their kids.
You see, Mr. Brooks is not qualified to judge "they" and "them". He has no idea what it's like for "them" to go to a school where gangs and metal detectors are a way of life - and where kids in the summer beg to come to summer school so they don't have to sit in unair-conditioned apartments while their parents struggle to make ends meet with two or three low minimum wage jobs. Pretending to know how you would handle growing up in poverty is like pretending to know Russian or Chinese or Greek. You can't fake it or you will completely embarrass yourself when you speak it.
No, Brooks does not have the right to judge. He should use his column to propose real solutions instead of wasting valuable real estate in these pages.
Bring in year-round schools, GED programs, job training programs and tax relief for companies to come in and train and employ workers. That will break the cycle of poverty, and will go a long way toward building healthy *sustainable* families who won't need public assistance later on and have the luxury of parenting their kids.
You see, Mr. Brooks is not qualified to judge "they" and "them". He has no idea what it's like for "them" to go to a school where gangs and metal detectors are a way of life - and where kids in the summer beg to come to summer school so they don't have to sit in unair-conditioned apartments while their parents struggle to make ends meet with two or three low minimum wage jobs. Pretending to know how you would handle growing up in poverty is like pretending to know Russian or Chinese or Greek. You can't fake it or you will completely embarrass yourself when you speak it.
No, Brooks does not have the right to judge. He should use his column to propose real solutions instead of wasting valuable real estate in these pages.
3
I know nothing of Mr. Brooks' background, but I grew up very poor and I can tell you now that the poor kids of today are their own biggest problem. If they don't feel like working then they just don't show up. Education requires effort and most of them don't want to bother. It's so much easier to get welfare then to actually make an effort. They spend what money they get on tattoos and rims (and reefer, of course). None of them are ever married, male or female, but plenty of 'baby daddies' out there. Please don't condescend to those of us who know what it's really like. If the schools have gangs and metal detectors, whose doing it? Someone from afar? An unknown land that attacks with impunity? Mr. Brooks has as much right to judge as anyone who pays taxes in America.
Mr. Brooks' thesis defies even casual observation, and while there may be useful information obtained from talking with both sides in any kind of human interaction, one should look at the outcome as perhaps more informative. Listening to fathers' numerous excuses for disappearing into the ether without a deserved measure of skepticism is foolish.
It's also clear that the author has no first hand experience with real dead-beat dads. I do; my father left when I was 11, and while I'm sure the process was longer than I was able to perceive, the end was sudden and unexpected. He never came back, and despite having the ability, he never sent a red cent for the upkeep of either my brother or I. Years later, when I was in my 20s, he tried to reconnect. I allowed it, to a degree, but listening to his excuses was laughable. Yes, couples may be incompatible, and breaking up is the right choice when fighting and constant discord would be the result of not doing so, but there is never a rationale for not supporting your offspring and for not maintaining contact. I saw this many many times, and my conclusion is that despite what they may say, many fathers simply want no reminders of a past they may see as a bad time in their lives, and just walk away. As a father myself, I decided I would never do that, and my children never experienced the shock and deprivation of their father excising himself from their lives. My brother, on the other hand, did exactly what my father did....
It's also clear that the author has no first hand experience with real dead-beat dads. I do; my father left when I was 11, and while I'm sure the process was longer than I was able to perceive, the end was sudden and unexpected. He never came back, and despite having the ability, he never sent a red cent for the upkeep of either my brother or I. Years later, when I was in my 20s, he tried to reconnect. I allowed it, to a degree, but listening to his excuses was laughable. Yes, couples may be incompatible, and breaking up is the right choice when fighting and constant discord would be the result of not doing so, but there is never a rationale for not supporting your offspring and for not maintaining contact. I saw this many many times, and my conclusion is that despite what they may say, many fathers simply want no reminders of a past they may see as a bad time in their lives, and just walk away. As a father myself, I decided I would never do that, and my children never experienced the shock and deprivation of their father excising himself from their lives. My brother, on the other hand, did exactly what my father did....
10
Being a father while black African in American is a unique socioeconomic political educational challenge. That is an enduring legacy of slavery and Jim Crow upon a physically identifiable coloree minority.
I am the first born black child of my fifteen siblings-8 brothers and 6 sisters- by my recently departed father by four different wives and two known mistresses. I was born full term six months after my parents marriage. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 years old. My father left and his parents paid child support to my mother.
My father was born in Atlanta, Georgia- the baby of his college educated black parents- who moved to Chicago when he was five. My father was raised on the South Side of Chicago and served in the U.S Army during World War II. My father worked for the U.S. Post Office but he wanted to make a living as a artist.
My father hated being black in America during the Jim Crow era and thus concocted a fictional exotic African identity that remained unknown to my father's last two wives and all of my siblings until 10 years ago. Finding out that he and they were black in America was a mental and emotional shock that continues to reverberate.
Physically leaving your kids is the lesser evil that is not resolved by money. The ultimate absence is emotional and mental withdrawal by a father. The criminal justice and welfare systems conspire against black father's presence in tandem with white male supremacy to steal housing, education and healthcare.
I am the first born black child of my fifteen siblings-8 brothers and 6 sisters- by my recently departed father by four different wives and two known mistresses. I was born full term six months after my parents marriage. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 years old. My father left and his parents paid child support to my mother.
My father was born in Atlanta, Georgia- the baby of his college educated black parents- who moved to Chicago when he was five. My father was raised on the South Side of Chicago and served in the U.S Army during World War II. My father worked for the U.S. Post Office but he wanted to make a living as a artist.
My father hated being black in America during the Jim Crow era and thus concocted a fictional exotic African identity that remained unknown to my father's last two wives and all of my siblings until 10 years ago. Finding out that he and they were black in America was a mental and emotional shock that continues to reverberate.
Physically leaving your kids is the lesser evil that is not resolved by money. The ultimate absence is emotional and mental withdrawal by a father. The criminal justice and welfare systems conspire against black father's presence in tandem with white male supremacy to steal housing, education and healthcare.
3
Your thesis is not borne out by the evidence. During the 1920s and 1930s, when things were certainly more difficult for African-Americans due to the enduring legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, and then the Depression, black families were just about as stable as white families.
5
Sure. It's all the fault of the majority culture. Guess what--there is no majority culture. "White" people aren't just pieces of bread sliced from the same loaf. The culture I grew up in is nothing like the culture predominating where I live now, though you would apparently just call all of it "white."
Try looking at the lives of ethnic/religious/cultural minorities in other countries far worse than ours (though I do not minimize American failures).
It comes down to character; it may also of course come down to undiagnosed/untreated/untreatable with available therapies mental illness, exacerbated by life stresses.
Your anger is justified but there are many reasons for your own family's tragedies.
Try looking at the lives of ethnic/religious/cultural minorities in other countries far worse than ours (though I do not minimize American failures).
It comes down to character; it may also of course come down to undiagnosed/untreated/untreatable with available therapies mental illness, exacerbated by life stresses.
Your anger is justified but there are many reasons for your own family's tragedies.
4
Blacks are smart and wise enough to know that they have no idea what it feels like living while white in America. Too many aka a majority of whites presume to know what it feels to live while black in America. Borne of a combination of condescending paternalistic liberal pity and conservative contempt that presumes that being white is supremely normal and best.
My siblings and I who were physically emotionally and financially abandoned by our father the most have done the best. We learned the kind of man, father, son and brother who we did not want to emulate.
My siblings and I who were physically emotionally and financially abandoned by our father the most have done the best. We learned the kind of man, father, son and brother who we did not want to emulate.
1
Having worked for DCFS in Chicago for a while; there were numerous times I had to go to jail and get the fathers to sign away their parental rights do to sexual and physical abuse. I helped mothers and their children get a caseworker and stabilize them in an apt. (out of the shelters they lived in) and into a better schools. Many of the mothers had stable jobs but needed that assistance to get started in a better direction. It was the proudest work I have ever done.
4
Glad to see dialogue on this issue move from simplistic "deadbeat dads" to a more comprehensive level of discourse.
It's the nature of Man, of men specifically. We men, who have such little to contribute to making a baby, enjoy the pleasure but not the pain of child labor, yet have not learned the responsibility that comes long after the pleasurable moment fades.
It is a wonder most women would have anything to do with us men. We will say, do, almost anything to initiate the act that nine months later may culminate in a child's birth. Yet many of us are long gone when the due date arrives. Why is that? What is so wrong with many of us daddies, who have no sense of scruples, who can place such little value in the glories of fatherhood?
President Obama, so much more of a man than the misogynist Trump, grew up a child of a delinquent dad. It inspired Barack Obama to write a moving story about his father, yet throughout his life, Barack has expressed the power of the women in his life. It was the women who made him the person he is.
As President Obama so frequently joked, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, the fact that the White House was inhabited by women, that he was the only male occupant. When I think of President Obama's words, I hear in them a sense of wonderment that women played, and continue to play, in his life. Mothers by nature seem to be so much more important in the parental equation. We men need to step up our game. We who spend more time playing games of Sport need to spend more time on the game of Fatherhood. It's the greatest game there is.
DD
Manhattan
It is a wonder most women would have anything to do with us men. We will say, do, almost anything to initiate the act that nine months later may culminate in a child's birth. Yet many of us are long gone when the due date arrives. Why is that? What is so wrong with many of us daddies, who have no sense of scruples, who can place such little value in the glories of fatherhood?
President Obama, so much more of a man than the misogynist Trump, grew up a child of a delinquent dad. It inspired Barack Obama to write a moving story about his father, yet throughout his life, Barack has expressed the power of the women in his life. It was the women who made him the person he is.
As President Obama so frequently joked, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, the fact that the White House was inhabited by women, that he was the only male occupant. When I think of President Obama's words, I hear in them a sense of wonderment that women played, and continue to play, in his life. Mothers by nature seem to be so much more important in the parental equation. We men need to step up our game. We who spend more time playing games of Sport need to spend more time on the game of Fatherhood. It's the greatest game there is.
DD
Manhattan
5
Thank you. This is research we all need to know about.....
dont know where to start- they just "casually" go off the pill ? culture matters doesn't it .... Actions have consequences, no mater what ones age gender, race or ethnicity or even employment status......its pretty to think otherwise, but there is no substitute, no government program for personal responsibility...
3
Men walk away from their wives, the women they sleep with and their children because they can. This has been going on for thousands of years -- well before modern welfare. It would be interesting to find or conduct a study in a country with extremely strong social programs such as Sweden. Would there be fatherless families as well?
9
Lots of pretty words to explain a very simple reason some young parents leave their children...they selfishly demand from others validation of their existence. When this demand is challenged by the appropriately selfish demands of an infant, that validation ceases. If one can't love themselves, they can't unselfishly love a child. Parenting requires unselfish love from both parents for their child and each other. In other words, deal with your own issues and get to work (yes, sometimes it's work) caring for each other and your child(ren).
3
Brooks identifies a critical pieces of the tragedy: lack of birth control. These dads aren't ready to do the job. If women have free access to long-acting birth control there would be fewer feckless fathers and fewer fatherless children.
3
Did you read the article? They both stop using birth control. "Free" birth control is not going to change the culture. I put the word in quotes because someone is always paying for it, nothing is free in this life.
So Mr. Brooks - why such a depressing article on the eve of the Father's Day weekend? I realize that the "Ward Cleaver" stereotype no longer prevails in many a household, but seriously, this sad and deplorable topic was one article I wish I hadn't read today. It brought back less than happier memories for me.
1
For far too many of these people, the mistake was getting pregnant and then having the child. We need more sex ed, we need to give kids more information about just how hard, how expensive, and how time consuming it is to have a child. We need more Planned Parenthood clinics around to provide inexpensive birth control and abortion services. The young women - because they are the ones getting pregnant - need to wise up here. There is no decent affordable child care readily available in the US. So, unless the parents and grandparents and other family members of these pregnant teens are there and able to help, well, they are in trouble. And the cycle seems to repeat itself over and over... Mom has a kid as a teenager, her daughter has a kid as a teenager, her daughter does the same etc etc.
The US pays lots of lip service to the wonderfulness of having kids -- but provides virtually zero support to those who do. It is not just the fathers who are trapped in this mess.
The US pays lots of lip service to the wonderfulness of having kids -- but provides virtually zero support to those who do. It is not just the fathers who are trapped in this mess.
4
And what a coincidence within this article; Sunday is Fathers Day!
While the article is focused on African-American fathers, the photo at the top is of a White Dad and child. Why? It's very jarring to see the photo after reading the article. It seems to imply that in order to draw readers in to read the article, they need a photo of white people.
1
I do not believe the article suggests the research is about African-American fathers.
2
Sterling--yes, this is an article about the poor. I noticed, as I was reading, that pains were taken not to paint this picture as specific to race.
Oops, inadvertently hit Enter before finishing my comment, so here's the full version:
The impact on boys of being fatherless is hugely costly not only to them but to society at large and immediate remedial action is possible while working towards decreasing the incidence of fatherless families. There is a mentoring program called Boys to Men, with affiliated programs in many locations in the US, canada and elsewhere, that provides such boys with positive role models and support through building ongoing relationships with adult male volunteers. It appears to be having considerable success.
This link – http://btmcanada.org/ - provides more information on how the Boys to Men program works, specific locations where it operates, and the encouraging success it has been having.
The impact on boys of being fatherless is hugely costly not only to them but to society at large and immediate remedial action is possible while working towards decreasing the incidence of fatherless families. There is a mentoring program called Boys to Men, with affiliated programs in many locations in the US, canada and elsewhere, that provides such boys with positive role models and support through building ongoing relationships with adult male volunteers. It appears to be having considerable success.
This link – http://btmcanada.org/ - provides more information on how the Boys to Men program works, specific locations where it operates, and the encouraging success it has been having.
There is a segment of our society in which young men, starting in their teens, have multiple children with multiple women and by the time they're 30 it is not uncommon for them to have eight to ten children, some have even more.
Mostly these are urban, gang related members who have a short life expectancy and they know it. So while they're here on the earth, (and not in prison), they procreate as often as possible. And for some reason or another they find willing partners, although I'd be willing to guess many of them were not.
How do you stop these men? Does this ever get addressed? Especially by those members of that society. Nope. It would be considered racist.
Mostly these are urban, gang related members who have a short life expectancy and they know it. So while they're here on the earth, (and not in prison), they procreate as often as possible. And for some reason or another they find willing partners, although I'd be willing to guess many of them were not.
How do you stop these men? Does this ever get addressed? Especially by those members of that society. Nope. It would be considered racist.
2
Some people accept responsibility for their life choices others make excuses. Which one would you rather be?
4
As a single father I pay far in excess of child support guidelines to support my two sons. I save for their college educations, I take them away on vacations a few times per year and they stay with me close to 40% of the time. I dont resent a single penny that this costs me. If you met their mom you would understand my point very clearly. Frankly I would have paid more to be done with her. Thank god almighty for divorce.
A deceptively empathetic article. I personally feel this article is another way to chastise poor people in general and Black Americans particularly. We know who Brooks is speaking about.
There are many reasons why relationships fall apart, but it takes two people to make a single parent.
The best way to remedy this is comprehensive education on family planning including birth control and abortion.
Good luck with that with this incompetent and backwards administration.
There are many reasons why relationships fall apart, but it takes two people to make a single parent.
The best way to remedy this is comprehensive education on family planning including birth control and abortion.
Good luck with that with this incompetent and backwards administration.
3
Infuriating.
I grew up without my father, and I'm doing fine. He left the picture when I was three. I was raised by my single mother, who was more than capable of doing it all.
What David Brooks is doing here is shaming people like me, my father, and especially my mother. "The stable two-parent family is what" he wants. I think I grew up in a terrific arrangement. As an adult, I'll celebrate my 25th anniversary next year. My wife and I like being married. Not everyone does.
Brooks should keep his public moralizing to himself. Single-parent families are not inherently inferior. People who hypocritically moralize and tell others how to live are.
I grew up without my father, and I'm doing fine. He left the picture when I was three. I was raised by my single mother, who was more than capable of doing it all.
What David Brooks is doing here is shaming people like me, my father, and especially my mother. "The stable two-parent family is what" he wants. I think I grew up in a terrific arrangement. As an adult, I'll celebrate my 25th anniversary next year. My wife and I like being married. Not everyone does.
Brooks should keep his public moralizing to himself. Single-parent families are not inherently inferior. People who hypocritically moralize and tell others how to live are.
2
A question was posed - Why do women really stay and men walk out?
My first husband - a Stanford educated MD walked out on his children and marriage after 19 years for another woman. His reason for abandoning his children, "It's too painful to see them". I guess it was also too painful to pay child support! But you know what - I raised those three to be outstanding citizens and parents. Men walk out because they can. Women stay because they want to, because nurturing is part of their fibre, becuase survival of the species is more than just prodiucing another baby. It's about raising children capable of giving and receiving love , living with dignity, showing respect for all life. 30 years on my now adult sons and daughter demonstrate all the above traits. It's his loss. By no means am I raging against men. In the past 30 years several good men have been integral to affirming the values my children demonstrate now. Just so happens they were not "dad" but they were and are darn good father figures. Choosing to walk away is just that, a choice.
My first husband - a Stanford educated MD walked out on his children and marriage after 19 years for another woman. His reason for abandoning his children, "It's too painful to see them". I guess it was also too painful to pay child support! But you know what - I raised those three to be outstanding citizens and parents. Men walk out because they can. Women stay because they want to, because nurturing is part of their fibre, becuase survival of the species is more than just prodiucing another baby. It's about raising children capable of giving and receiving love , living with dignity, showing respect for all life. 30 years on my now adult sons and daughter demonstrate all the above traits. It's his loss. By no means am I raging against men. In the past 30 years several good men have been integral to affirming the values my children demonstrate now. Just so happens they were not "dad" but they were and are darn good father figures. Choosing to walk away is just that, a choice.
9
The tone of the article is awful. It describes a single profile of a human being and suggests that applies to all men who leave their children. For example:
"In truth, when fathers abandon their own children, it’s not a momentary decision; it’s a long, tragic process."
This is a ridiculous generalization. There are all sorts of men and women. Some are kind, thoughtful, mentally healthy, generous and capable of sacrifices of parenthood. Others are none of those things. Some have personality disorders and violent tendencies that make them utterly unfit as fathers or husbands.
On thing is for sure. The US has one of the highest rates of unintended pregnancy in the industrialized world. That has terrible consequences for children. We have to reverse that starting with ensuring women's access to health care.
"In truth, when fathers abandon their own children, it’s not a momentary decision; it’s a long, tragic process."
This is a ridiculous generalization. There are all sorts of men and women. Some are kind, thoughtful, mentally healthy, generous and capable of sacrifices of parenthood. Others are none of those things. Some have personality disorders and violent tendencies that make them utterly unfit as fathers or husbands.
On thing is for sure. The US has one of the highest rates of unintended pregnancy in the industrialized world. That has terrible consequences for children. We have to reverse that starting with ensuring women's access to health care.
41
Poverty, lack of education/skills, poor role models, lack of community support for young parents- yes, they all contribute- but let's put the brakes on the " blame mama" train right here. She makes you feel small because you don't provide? She hooks up with another man after you've split? It's not about you, it's about the kid. Show up in his/her life. Phone. Go to school functions. Contribute what you can financially. Offer to take the child for afternoons, overnights, school holidays. Celebrate birthdays and holidays. Send cards, letters, emails, pictures. Make sure the child knows his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Get over the pity party and put the child you helped bring into the world first. That is what "fathers" do.
3
In poor neighborhoods, for the first time in human history, over 80% of Black men have no family responsibilities - like wild west outlaws.
Hard labor for low wages requires intense motivation. Before the welfare entitlements of the 1960s and better jobs for women, a father’s paycheck was necessary for his family to survive. Now - no longer necessary - millions of unmarried men need not work to feed, clothe or shelter families. They need never face their hungry child or suffer tender emotions.
They need not be deterred by a prison term, nor fear the drug lifestyle - nor cling to a job. Poor Black boys know this to be their future.
How’s about making it more profitable for Black mothers to need and want these men in their families? Let’s start with a livable minimum wage.
Hard labor for low wages requires intense motivation. Before the welfare entitlements of the 1960s and better jobs for women, a father’s paycheck was necessary for his family to survive. Now - no longer necessary - millions of unmarried men need not work to feed, clothe or shelter families. They need never face their hungry child or suffer tender emotions.
They need not be deterred by a prison term, nor fear the drug lifestyle - nor cling to a job. Poor Black boys know this to be their future.
How’s about making it more profitable for Black mothers to need and want these men in their families? Let’s start with a livable minimum wage.
What a wonderful article to eliminate the concept of personal responsibility from the lexicon.
"Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable in her eyes"? No, it makes him more disreputable in fact. Once one becomes a father, one needs to put away such childish behavior and grow up.
"He believes in fatherhood and tries it again with other women," Again, grow up and be a father to the child you helped create. If at first you don't succeed is not a philosophy suited to the creation of a human life.
"Typically the parents are in a semi-relationship that is somewhere between a one-night stand and an actual boyfriend-girlfriend bond" And the moderns wonder why some of us are in favor of marriage and reversing the removal of shame from extra-marital relationships? Both partners need to grow up and face the fact that, yes, children can result from sexual intercourse.
Basically, both men and women need to grow up and realize that actions have consequences. It is easier, but no more forgivable, for men to abandon these consequences. Those that do so do not deserve sympathy but condemnation.
"Run-ins with drugs, the law and other women begin to make him look even more disreputable in her eyes"? No, it makes him more disreputable in fact. Once one becomes a father, one needs to put away such childish behavior and grow up.
"He believes in fatherhood and tries it again with other women," Again, grow up and be a father to the child you helped create. If at first you don't succeed is not a philosophy suited to the creation of a human life.
"Typically the parents are in a semi-relationship that is somewhere between a one-night stand and an actual boyfriend-girlfriend bond" And the moderns wonder why some of us are in favor of marriage and reversing the removal of shame from extra-marital relationships? Both partners need to grow up and face the fact that, yes, children can result from sexual intercourse.
Basically, both men and women need to grow up and realize that actions have consequences. It is easier, but no more forgivable, for men to abandon these consequences. Those that do so do not deserve sympathy but condemnation.
Hey Mike...why is it that it's ok in society for men to walk away from their responsibility leaving it up to the woman to do ALL the heavy lifting but if a woman leaves then she is a HORRIBLE person? Should women be responsible and be on birth control? Yes. Should men be equally responsible?
I can understand the risk/reward judgments of selfish men who impregnate women and abandon them. I cannot fathom why their partners would forego birth control with such men while witnessing the long-term negative consequences of those decisions in their own families.
1
So we are supposed to absolve these men of responsibility who get overwhelmed by the stresses and strains of the relationship, parenthood, and their lack of leave-it-to-Beaver potential? Women may feel all these things, too, but they don't have the option of walking away. So, yes, of course they approach things more practically. And yes, they are more likely to want an abortion. Duh. The story is framed in centuries, probably millennia.
1
I guess only poor men abandon their kids. I guess women are the only reason why men abandon their kids. I guess the only "proper" families involve two (presumably hetero) parents. I guess they only "good" parents are two people who "love" each other (vs. loving the child) and are "committed" to each other (vs. committed to raising the child no matter what). I guess I'm going to go have a long, stiff drink now ....
6
sips tea while watching the thrice married, 5 kids w/ 3 different women president....
There are really only 3 ways an unplanned pregnancy can occur:
1) don't know how sexual reproduction works
2) reckless sex
3) birth control failure
1 can be solved through early education, ideally starting when children are 10-12.
3 can be solved through better science and technology.
2 cannot be solved. At the end of the day, free will is in a fact a thing. Don't drive drunk, don't have sex on drugs. Sometimes common sense is the only answer.
1) don't know how sexual reproduction works
2) reckless sex
3) birth control failure
1 can be solved through early education, ideally starting when children are 10-12.
3 can be solved through better science and technology.
2 cannot be solved. At the end of the day, free will is in a fact a thing. Don't drive drunk, don't have sex on drugs. Sometimes common sense is the only answer.
Not one of your finest.
3
Please continue to cling to dreams of the past, and write about stripped-down, simplistic versions of real human beings that never existed. You can have your two-parent stable family ideology forever and ever if you ignore reality - your forte, Mr. Brooks. So empty. So hollow, your musings.
The key point of this opinion piece is in the last few paragraphs. t's WONDERFUL to see this published, especially in the NYT! Successful, sustainable cultures require strong, effective family structures that can nurture our future citizens. We need to stop celebrating the hedonism, debauchery, and selfishness that lead to single parenthood and contribute to the dysfunction that is steamrolling across so many layers of our society.
I think many people should not be parents. Not because they are horrible people, but because it's just not the thing that will fulfill them. We are presented in this nation that being a parent is simply the best job you could possibly do -- but sometimes, often, for certain people, it's simply not. But due to lack of education, free contraception and family planning, and economic stability and employment options, many folks don't get to really contemplate what parenthood entails and whether it would be good for them, at that moment or in the future. The tragedy is that oftentimes parents learn they hate parenthood after the baby is born -- men are just more able to leave while women mostly can't. I can't tell you how many stories of terrible childhood parenting I have heard, where really, the parents just weren't meant to be parents. Not bad people, just not parental material. And a two-parent home is not always the best solution: in one instance I know of, the child might have been better off if her mentally-ill, critical and unyielding father had actually left! With more support for education, family planning, contraception, many of these potential parents could at least have some tools with which to consider more options for themselves than parenthood.
1
This reminds me of the first scene in "Idiocracy".
Excellent insight David. I'll share this with my group of incarcerated clients and expect it'll provoke some interesting discussion.
Basically, the missing fathers are missing because they lack jobs or have poor paying jobs. This is the essence of poverty : broken families due to lack of work. The answer is to have a governmental jobs program - giving work and training to folks that lack it. Whether Mr. Brooke's would support that is another question.
Take a look at the military's program: they take the enlistee and his or her family, house them, and send their kids to on-base schools. Problem in school , parents are called in(parent involvement!).
A highly regarded program. A civilian version of this is what is needed.
Take a look at the military's program: they take the enlistee and his or her family, house them, and send their kids to on-base schools. Problem in school , parents are called in(parent involvement!).
A highly regarded program. A civilian version of this is what is needed.
1
my dad worked in trades. I have lived in 27 houses in 43 years. Many years my dad worked over 500 miles from home. My mother was our primary caregiver due to this. She knew she would be doing it alone due to his nature of work. Was it good for our family? No. Was it necessary? yes.
Why do fathers leave their children? Apparently because, at least in part, the responsibility gene has atrophied in the male of the species. It's a variation on the "slam, bam, thank you ma'am" meme. If they really, really cared so much about their progeny they could easily play their father roles without being married to the mother. There's nothing to prevent this except their own attitudes and lack of spine.
Another book report by Brooks.
So many of his opinion pieces are just a report on what he is currently reading (or his aides?) and do not reflect an actually opinion by Brooks.
Believe it or not, I find this intellectually lazy. What an incredible job he has where he gets a great deal of money for his book reports.
So many of his opinion pieces are just a report on what he is currently reading (or his aides?) and do not reflect an actually opinion by Brooks.
Believe it or not, I find this intellectually lazy. What an incredible job he has where he gets a great deal of money for his book reports.
3
Because they hire a writing assistant for their book about character.
3
Why are these pregnancies quasi-accidents? Birth control doesn't interfere with a relationship. It simply prevents pregnancy. Why would anyone "get off the pill" unless they wanted a child? The only explanation is the individual doesn't have access to birth control or there's a mitigating health concern that makes the drug unsafe. Sorry. Religion is not an excuse. You're already having unprotected sex outside of wedlock. Let's not get into the serial marriage types.
There's obviously a problem here. There's either not enough access to birth control or not enough education. Maybe both. I doubt many parents and teachers take the time to truly sit down with young adults and explain the full financial and personal hardships of parenthood. The conversation is awkward for both parties so the topic is intentionally avoided. Young adults are left with internet, television, and their limited social experience. Normalization through witnessed behavior.
Men are clearly naive when approaching these interactions. The burden obviously falls disproportionately on women. A strong personal safety net is left to catch the fall. You mention many women become pragmatic after becoming pregnant. Why not before? There's room for social intervention for both men and women here. The easiest solution is to destigmatize birth control and make it universally available from a very young age. You can then try to educate both men and women about the "right time" to stop using the drug. Done.
There's obviously a problem here. There's either not enough access to birth control or not enough education. Maybe both. I doubt many parents and teachers take the time to truly sit down with young adults and explain the full financial and personal hardships of parenthood. The conversation is awkward for both parties so the topic is intentionally avoided. Young adults are left with internet, television, and their limited social experience. Normalization through witnessed behavior.
Men are clearly naive when approaching these interactions. The burden obviously falls disproportionately on women. A strong personal safety net is left to catch the fall. You mention many women become pragmatic after becoming pregnant. Why not before? There's room for social intervention for both men and women here. The easiest solution is to destigmatize birth control and make it universally available from a very young age. You can then try to educate both men and women about the "right time" to stop using the drug. Done.
1
I tend to believe you solve this problem and you solve most other problems.
Key background: this columnist cheated and ran off with his research assistant, abandoning his wife of 27 years and three children in the process. Now he is claiming wives make their husband cheat on them. It's the wives' fault really that those cheating fathers had to abandon their children. Seriously?
4
Wait a minute David? This is kind of the pot calling the kettle black. I know you did not walk out on your "young" children, but you still walked out. Divorce is divorce no matter when it happens
1
And the child? What choice does the child get to make in all this? "Pregnancy is rarely planned among the populations they studied". Therein lies the real problem. It is the specific choice to not have sex responsibly, with no thought as to the consequences, that leaves thousands of children abandoned. The couple don't "sort of make (pregnancy) possible", they don't care if a child is conceived, and give no thought as to the impact on a child that is conceived. Both partners in the relationship are at fault.
We need more sex education as to the consequences of unprotected sex that leaves children abandoned. Birth control should be free, and Planned Parenthood should be fully supported.
As to fathers who abandon their children, in the end they do it because they can, and the child gets no say in that decision. Just like abandoning a pet. It may tug at your heartstrings, but your own need for freedom from responsibility comes first. The clue is that some men go on to become "serial fathers" leaving numerous children abandoned in their own search for some ideal woman who doesn't exist. If some kind of role model father mentoring program can help stop children becoming the abandoned consequence of someone's selfish desire, it should be fully supported.
We need more sex education as to the consequences of unprotected sex that leaves children abandoned. Birth control should be free, and Planned Parenthood should be fully supported.
As to fathers who abandon their children, in the end they do it because they can, and the child gets no say in that decision. Just like abandoning a pet. It may tug at your heartstrings, but your own need for freedom from responsibility comes first. The clue is that some men go on to become "serial fathers" leaving numerous children abandoned in their own search for some ideal woman who doesn't exist. If some kind of role model father mentoring program can help stop children becoming the abandoned consequence of someone's selfish desire, it should be fully supported.
Do not forget to mention, women who will not let the dad see the kid. Or put up so much hassle all the time. It is particularly hard for dads that live out of state and are depending on holiday visits and summertime for extended stay. I know a lot of women who just ignored all this and it costs money to go back to court, money that could go to the child.
Parenthood is a skill.
1
This theme is so beautifully addressed by Paul Robeson (1898 - 1976) in his song ¨Little Pal¨. Warning: it might bring some tears.
The absolutely most short-sighted, stupid, cruel thing we do as a society is not throwing in 100% behind an effort to make long-acting contraceptives easily available to all women. Listen to the debates we have. We actually quibble about whether insurance should have to pay for contraception. That is NUTS. We should have billboards, tv ads, school information, grocery store flyers---all telling people to be responsible and wait to be parents--and offering birth control.
No, we just pretend people should be abstinent and blame women when they are not.
No, we just pretend people should be abstinent and blame women when they are not.
David, the way you describe this...it seems focus on the requisites of marriage or at least better birth control would help solve this.
They leave because they can't man up.
"It's because he didn't like the woman!" How foul and twisted a logic is this, and allowing so much pain to the child and to the mother left raising them. How mysogynist, after all. Still, in our society, any act, no matter how immoral, can be justified if the demeaning act of cooperation with a woman was/is the alternative. And most of you heartily chime in in agreement. Enjoy your current president. But another symptom of your, I generously call it, thinking.
Welcome to the cost of individualism drive in today's society. One comment I always made is you can see the quality and stability of a society based on how that society raises boys to become men.
Until people realize that women need to be raised up protected and allowed to be fully empowered in all societal aspects, they also need to realize that men need a lot of assistance in filling the large gap and hole that is in nearly all men around emotions and vulnerability.
As boys now have the ability now to take care of their personal sexual needs for free and at will without having a partner around, I am 100% certain that the whole situation was devolve a bit more. What was a full right of passage and empowerment with dating and "mating" from an early age through early adulthood is now a "catagory" experience off a tube site. I am not a prude; however, there are consequences to every situations and action.
People will say "men need to do better", and while that is a partial truth, the reality is look around and see what society values from men. It isn't fatherhood, or "dad" like views. So now if women are interested in relationships and partners over a full arc of a childs life, the reality is she only has a 10-20% chance of having that happen at best.
I want women to be happy and empowered and able to do anything they want; however, just be aware that has come at a cost of a lot of men. It maybe just, but it will have social consequences around these areas.
Until people realize that women need to be raised up protected and allowed to be fully empowered in all societal aspects, they also need to realize that men need a lot of assistance in filling the large gap and hole that is in nearly all men around emotions and vulnerability.
As boys now have the ability now to take care of their personal sexual needs for free and at will without having a partner around, I am 100% certain that the whole situation was devolve a bit more. What was a full right of passage and empowerment with dating and "mating" from an early age through early adulthood is now a "catagory" experience off a tube site. I am not a prude; however, there are consequences to every situations and action.
People will say "men need to do better", and while that is a partial truth, the reality is look around and see what society values from men. It isn't fatherhood, or "dad" like views. So now if women are interested in relationships and partners over a full arc of a childs life, the reality is she only has a 10-20% chance of having that happen at best.
I want women to be happy and empowered and able to do anything they want; however, just be aware that has come at a cost of a lot of men. It maybe just, but it will have social consequences around these areas.
1
David stop being an apologist for men's failures and weaknesses. Patriarchy sets the rules of dominance and then breaks the rules when it suits. Men never seem to have obstacles finding new partners. I know this first hand because I had a deadbeat dad who never really cared enough for his children to be a meaningful part of our lives, but when he aged and had no one to care for him he turned to us for help and we gave it to him, though undeserved... but that's because we were our mothers children. Men only feel responsible for their biological children when they are partnered with the children's mother's. Sex is one of the few ways men experience intimacy and bonding. Once with a new partner they bond with her and her brood. Of course there are the exceptions that prove the rule. For all of its modernity, US society is deeply misogynistic and backwards. Notice that there seems to be an abundance of 'forgiveness and compassion' for men's violence, abuse and abandonment of women and children but never that same sentiment for women. She often gets blamed and bears the brunt for everything, from getting pregnant, to even being assaulted. Time to give women full autonomy over their bodies and hold men accountable not just financially but morally for the violence they perpetrate both physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I do believe that abandonment of children is a form of emotional violence. That is the only way forward to healing the damage of patriarchy.
3
Now that you're no longer apologizing for Republicans, you're making excuses for irresponsible dads?
2
This change in behavior would require leadership.
Instead, we have Black Lives Matter.
Instead, we have Black Lives Matter.
Hey, Brooks, when are we bring back the dunking chair? How about the stocks? Deportation still on the table? Maybe we could sell the rights to a reality TV show. How many dunks will X survive? Do an over/ under.
Disgusting column by the king of pretension.
Disgusting column by the king of pretension.
This is a pattern I've witnessed firsthand, described articulately and sympathetically. Thanks for the insight, David.
As a society, we seem to be going backwards. Many of our political leaders believe in Immaculate Conception and Original Sin. With sex and reproduction so split from each other, is it any wonder that pregnancy "just happens"? Part of the solution is to increase relationship education and sex education. Also make birth control and abortion available.
our political "punishers" are misogynists
Dear David; This is a terribly narrow slice of "parents" in one category of people/peasants & serfs in our society. How about a broader view that includes our kings & queens, lords & ladies (political leaders, the wealthy .01%, Hollywood stars, etc) & the vast middle class, in which Dads universally "leave" their children to be raised by Moms? Biologically, most of the animal kingdom knows the bond between mothers & children is the strongest one of all - no matter what sociologists, disgruntled dads & their lawyers would have us believe.
2
Mr. Brooks and his GOP cohorts have apparently decided that way society should fund programs that prevent unwanted pregnancy, make it easier for parents to raise healthy, educated children, and to address mental issues is to enact tax cuts for rich people.
See, when rich people get yuuuge tax cuts, everything flows down to other people and everything is much better. The problems found in 'trickle down' economics were because the tax cuts weren't big enough. Make the tax cuts much bigger so we can have 'flow down' rather than 'trickle down' economics.
That's the ticket.
What could possibly go wrong?
See, when rich people get yuuuge tax cuts, everything flows down to other people and everything is much better. The problems found in 'trickle down' economics were because the tax cuts weren't big enough. Make the tax cuts much bigger so we can have 'flow down' rather than 'trickle down' economics.
That's the ticket.
What could possibly go wrong?
People must be willing to refuse to have sex if the partner is not willing to allow or to use birth control. The decision to have children without the certain means to support them is selfishness in the extreme.
18
The way that the courts brutalize dads is another facet of why dads disengage and resort to avoidance coping. Whose bright idea was it to leave family crisis to a bunch of lawyers whose solution is to charge by the hour rather than by positive outcomes?
1
David, I generally like what you write, but this is the biggest cop out I have read in the NYT and that is saying something.
The implication in all of this is we should somehow feel badly and excuse the fathers because while they are failures, they really aren't bad guys?
As a father of two young boys, I know first hand how difficult, and rewarding, it can be. But my cross to bear is nothing compared to my wife's. The fact of the matter is that the mothers have no choice to get up and leave. The fathers do. And in the cases of unwanted pregnancies, it seems that no matter what the intention is, the fathers generally are gone by the second birthday.
Maybe instead of feeling sorry for these guys, we should start holding them responsible for their lack of accountability. Your attempt to make them a sympathetic character does nothing more than put the full extent of their failure on display.
The implication in all of this is we should somehow feel badly and excuse the fathers because while they are failures, they really aren't bad guys?
As a father of two young boys, I know first hand how difficult, and rewarding, it can be. But my cross to bear is nothing compared to my wife's. The fact of the matter is that the mothers have no choice to get up and leave. The fathers do. And in the cases of unwanted pregnancies, it seems that no matter what the intention is, the fathers generally are gone by the second birthday.
Maybe instead of feeling sorry for these guys, we should start holding them responsible for their lack of accountability. Your attempt to make them a sympathetic character does nothing more than put the full extent of their failure on display.
2
"Find someone you love before you have intercourse"???
This is the received wisdom?
Thanks. While I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony.
This is the received wisdom?
Thanks. While I'm dreaming, I'd like a pony.
2
Is it just me - or does it sound like Mr. Brooks is describing the mating habits of some newly discovered indigenous people? Is this racism? Paternalism? Or just good old condescension? Tell us, oh Great White Hunter.
David Brooks,
You have an amazing GOP-esque ability to turn a blind eye to male power and domination over women: maybe it's so common place to you and fits so neatly in your perceived ideal world order, that it's in your own best interest to look for and find data that fits your kind and compassionate view of men and families. Don't bother listening to the children victims. You have a study! Feel free David Brooks to be kind to men. And feel free to disregard the rape culture that is so prevalent in American society, from the current President - elected with everyone knowing he was a fan of rape culture, to all the young guys "just being guys" in virtually all fraternities, sports teams, tech companies across the country. Go ahead, do the kind thing for men because it's Fathers Day! Well, I choose to celebrate Fathers Day by applauding men who stay through thick and thin, who respect their family members, who don't beat or hit, who contribute strength of mind and character.
You have an amazing GOP-esque ability to turn a blind eye to male power and domination over women: maybe it's so common place to you and fits so neatly in your perceived ideal world order, that it's in your own best interest to look for and find data that fits your kind and compassionate view of men and families. Don't bother listening to the children victims. You have a study! Feel free David Brooks to be kind to men. And feel free to disregard the rape culture that is so prevalent in American society, from the current President - elected with everyone knowing he was a fan of rape culture, to all the young guys "just being guys" in virtually all fraternities, sports teams, tech companies across the country. Go ahead, do the kind thing for men because it's Fathers Day! Well, I choose to celebrate Fathers Day by applauding men who stay through thick and thin, who respect their family members, who don't beat or hit, who contribute strength of mind and character.
I'm kind of surprised at the comments I've read on this. People want to skewer rich guys that leave or it's about poverty and lack of good jobs. It seems to me that the reason most of these fathers leave is that they were never COMMITTED to being with the woman. Their big mistake is to stop using birth control. Access to long acting implants and IUDs should be free (paid for by the taxpayer, a bargain in the end).
Also, for everyone who has the idea that better off people abandon their children at the same rate read this (just one article in a growing mountain of evidence):
http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/12/04/education-and-marriage/
Also, for everyone who has the idea that better off people abandon their children at the same rate read this (just one article in a growing mountain of evidence):
http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/12/04/education-and-marriage/
1
I'd like to point this out from your link:
"College-educated women have an almost eight-in-ten chance of still being married after two decades."
That demographic topped the list. Solution to problem: give all women a college education. That's the ticket!
"College-educated women have an almost eight-in-ten chance of still being married after two decades."
That demographic topped the list. Solution to problem: give all women a college education. That's the ticket!
Taking on responsibility of any kind, and more importantly, taking it to the logical conclusion, is not naturally a strong suit for many people. Parenthood is one of the biggest responsibilities in the world. Facrd with it, many just skip out. That is when a man shows he's no better than many a beast - mate, reproduce, leave.
Societal pressures - "do the right thing" or "what will people say" - used to be a strong fotce. Not really anymore.
Frankly, it would just help with many of the social, economic, even environmental problems if people just understand and ensure that sex is not equal to baby.
Societal pressures - "do the right thing" or "what will people say" - used to be a strong fotce. Not really anymore.
Frankly, it would just help with many of the social, economic, even environmental problems if people just understand and ensure that sex is not equal to baby.
Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you stop using condoms.
1
"Or, make sure you want to spend years with this partner before you get off the pill."
Not to nitpick, but this seems very one-sided. How about also suggesting that men always use condoms? It takes two...
Not to nitpick, but this seems very one-sided. How about also suggesting that men always use condoms? It takes two...
2
Woman's agency, body, mode of protection
Supercedes male reproductive culpability. Women also have abortion option, men likewise should have free parental choice including abandonment.
Supercedes male reproductive culpability. Women also have abortion option, men likewise should have free parental choice including abandonment.
These days IUD's work for years and eliminate periods entirely. They need to be made free and widely available. Then anyone who wants to have a child has to take active steps to get pregnant versus "just letting it happen." Every child deserves to be wanted at least that much.
1
I'm afraid Davids column sounds entirely anecdotal and sounds like the story dead beat dad's tell themselves to feel good.
5
Worst Father's Day Column ever! This is all fiction and speculation. All of these couples have the same story?! All the dads are just honestly holding out for their dream women as they have multiple kids they never raise? Yeah, quality women are attracted to that kind of guy.
I especially like the part when Brooks says that by the time the kid is one there is another man living in the home. Let's be real. Poor men with spotty employment records and multiple kids are not Gold Digger Bait.
Relationships are hard. Co-parenting is hard. I'm not interested in shaming and blaming. If you are a dad, please do your job and have a Great Father's Day!
I especially like the part when Brooks says that by the time the kid is one there is another man living in the home. Let's be real. Poor men with spotty employment records and multiple kids are not Gold Digger Bait.
Relationships are hard. Co-parenting is hard. I'm not interested in shaming and blaming. If you are a dad, please do your job and have a Great Father's Day!
2
Economics are certainly part of it, but not the whole. Part of it is also our culture's unrealistic expectations about love and marriage. David Brooks is correct when he points out that many men (and women) are looking for perfection, an idealized "soul mate" that doesn't exist. No partnership is perfect. It takes work, maturity, and the ability to accept the difficulties and work through them instead of thinking it would be easier with someone else. Certainly no one should stay in an abusive relationship, but many fail because the partners don't have the commitment, conflict resolution skills, and emotional maturity to work through lesser problems. Money would not change that.
In my view, Mr. Brooks has omitted enough mention of deadbeat dads' addiction to substances.
All the deadbeat dads whom I've personally known are nice enough fellows. Yes, they love their children. Moreover, not a single one voluntarily abandoned his family (or families); instead, they were tossed out by their wives (or significant others).
What led every one of these deadbeat dads whom I personally know to become deadbeat dads was addiction -- usually to drugs but sometimes to alcohol. In every case, the mother of one or more of his children tossed him out the door because of the substance addiction. The financial and emotional impact of deadbeat dads' substance addiction led their wives to save themselves instead of to remain co-dependent and an enabler.
Mr. Brooks writes: "It would be great if society could rally around the six or seven key bridges on the path to fatherhood."
The first such bridge may well be deadbeat dad addicts stepping up to get clean -- and stay clean. Most of all, deadbeat dads need to be held accountable for their recreational choices and need to assume self-accountabillty.
Mr. Brooks writes: "Buried in the rigors of motherhood, the women, meanwhile, take a very practical view of what they need in a man: Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?"
Blame the mothers of the deadbeat dad's children? Really?
Let's not turn deadbeat dads into victims and saints. They are not.
All the deadbeat dads whom I've personally known are nice enough fellows. Yes, they love their children. Moreover, not a single one voluntarily abandoned his family (or families); instead, they were tossed out by their wives (or significant others).
What led every one of these deadbeat dads whom I personally know to become deadbeat dads was addiction -- usually to drugs but sometimes to alcohol. In every case, the mother of one or more of his children tossed him out the door because of the substance addiction. The financial and emotional impact of deadbeat dads' substance addiction led their wives to save themselves instead of to remain co-dependent and an enabler.
Mr. Brooks writes: "It would be great if society could rally around the six or seven key bridges on the path to fatherhood."
The first such bridge may well be deadbeat dad addicts stepping up to get clean -- and stay clean. Most of all, deadbeat dads need to be held accountable for their recreational choices and need to assume self-accountabillty.
Mr. Brooks writes: "Buried in the rigors of motherhood, the women, meanwhile, take a very practical view of what they need in a man: Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?"
Blame the mothers of the deadbeat dad's children? Really?
Let's not turn deadbeat dads into victims and saints. They are not.
18
This was a great article until the last two paragraphs. David, did you seriously just throw a Hail Mary? I mean, you've got to be kidding me with this essay middle school conclusion.
2
My parents split up when I was nine. My father married again a few months later. He also drove two hours each way one day to go to a father-daughter dinner at my school. What is different about him and all these other stories? Perhaps there ought to just be some support for men to do the right thing besides just demanding money in a custody agreement. I would think that if men in these situations felt needed by their kids, they would participate. Mothers of kids need to encourage the fathers in helpful ways too. My mother never said a bad thing about my dad - despite the likelihood that he left her for another woman. I'm not even sure that's what happened, as no one ever said so explicitly. But these are social issues, and not legal ones.
I don't know of any state where the father can't go for joint physical custody. Or even sole physical custody in some cases. This has been the default for divorce for some kind - this isn't still the '80s Kramer-vs-Kramer days.
This minimizes if not eliminates child support - that in itself incentivizes fathers to do the right thing.
So, what's really going on in any specific case? It's of course hard to tell unless you're very close to it. But there are checkbox-fathers: father-daughter dinner check, piano recital check, Cub Scout weekend camp check. But daily bedtime-homework-hassles-and-tears cramp their style way to much for actual physical custody.
This minimizes if not eliminates child support - that in itself incentivizes fathers to do the right thing.
So, what's really going on in any specific case? It's of course hard to tell unless you're very close to it. But there are checkbox-fathers: father-daughter dinner check, piano recital check, Cub Scout weekend camp check. But daily bedtime-homework-hassles-and-tears cramp their style way to much for actual physical custody.
1
We need to give out free birth control.
7
How about taking a cue from our Swedish brothers who takes a full year class in middle school about taking care of kids and raising a family?
Btw- "staying in the pill?" Ever hear of condoms Mr Brooks?
Btw- "staying in the pill?" Ever hear of condoms Mr Brooks?
4
Another column by David Brooks, where he reads a book and suddenly has the answers. David, talk to your Republican buddies to gain insight, don't read a book. Write a column about what Republicans are doing to the fabric of this country, and why so many people support this venal, depraved hypocritical party - and do include Democrats.
Come down from your ivory tower and experience something uncomfortable and then tell us about it.
Come down from your ivory tower and experience something uncomfortable and then tell us about it.
4
this just oozes with oblivious condescension. its almost satirical. i thought brooks was trying to get in touch with the america he knows nothing about?
6
Shorter Brooks: bossy women force men to abandon their responsibilities to their children. I can't even believe I'm reading this puerile nonsense in 2017.
14
It is curious how the majority of comments "picked" by the NYT focus on middle class issues, while Brooks' column focuses on where the great majority of child abandonment happens, among the poor.
1
Why do old white Republican guys always insits on explaining things they know nothing about? They explain women's reproductive rights, they explain about black families, poverty and homosexuality, all things most of them (unless closeted) would never do or are simply unable to do, like have an abortion for example or take birth control pills. This is called whiteguysplaining, not journalism and it is insulting and paternalistic. Cut it out Brooks and NYT, you know better too.
8
It's really unfortunate that this administration is doing everything it can to shut down groups like Planned Parenthood and make obtaining family planning services harder. How is this position of the Republican party and the Catholic church a compassionate approach to family values? Conservatives are not the only ones that feel sick at the state of the American family. As a progressive, I want to see more stable, functional families too and that's why I think we all need to rally around family planning providers and and the feminist movement.
3
10 years ago, I adopted 3 white girls, siblings, ranging from age 11 - 14. They came from a family where they were abused and neglected. Their Mom had died when they were very young from a drunk driving accident, and their father was mentally ill and abusive.
I tried my best with these kids. I fixed their teeth, sent them to good schools, hired counselors and tutors, took them to Disney World, you name it. I spent the better part of 10 years on these kids.
It was a complete waste of my time and money. 2 have already spent time in jail for felony theft and drunk driving. They youngest is the least screwed up, but lives her life crashing on one couch or another while stealing from friends and family.
They all hate me and I don't know why.
If I had to do it over, I wouldn't.
My conclusion? You have to get these kids away from their toxic families MUCH sooner. Those ways of thinking are learned very early on. We have to break the cycle by placing these kids up for adoption while they're still young enough to imprint a different way of life. A GOOD, long term foster home might even work.
If 6th grade is too late, what's the right age? I don't know, but let's start with fourth grade and if that doesn't work, try younger.
I wish I had all the time and money I spent on these kids back.
I tried my best with these kids. I fixed their teeth, sent them to good schools, hired counselors and tutors, took them to Disney World, you name it. I spent the better part of 10 years on these kids.
It was a complete waste of my time and money. 2 have already spent time in jail for felony theft and drunk driving. They youngest is the least screwed up, but lives her life crashing on one couch or another while stealing from friends and family.
They all hate me and I don't know why.
If I had to do it over, I wouldn't.
My conclusion? You have to get these kids away from their toxic families MUCH sooner. Those ways of thinking are learned very early on. We have to break the cycle by placing these kids up for adoption while they're still young enough to imprint a different way of life. A GOOD, long term foster home might even work.
If 6th grade is too late, what's the right age? I don't know, but let's start with fourth grade and if that doesn't work, try younger.
I wish I had all the time and money I spent on these kids back.
1
I am about to sound like a conservative Republican. Bear with me.
There's a solution to all this. The solution is called marriage. Where--in the presence of family, friends, society, and Almighty God--you take vows. You commit to each other.
I know what divorce rates are like nowadays. But vows were made. Break up the marriage and you don't just walk away. There's work to be done. You've got to GET OUT of those vows. Somehow. Somewhere.
I am a retired school teacher. It was a private Christian school. Still is. The wife of our Bible instructor (years ago) was having a child. Young lady approaches Bible instructor. "Well, congratulations, Mr.______________. So you're gonna be a baby dad! Who's the baby mom?"
A little affronted (not much--he knew the way of the world), my friend replied. "No, ____________, I'm NOT going to be a baby dad. I'm a FATHER. I'm married to a woman. She's my WIFE. We all LIVE together--and I'm going to love, cherish, take care of the child she's carrying right now."
The young lady's response will echo in my mind till the day I die:
"Oh. You all LIVE together--loving each other--taking care of each other?
"Yes,____________. That's EXACTLY what I mean."
Young lady (wistfully): "It sounds like a fairy tale!"
"For this reason, shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh . . . . ."
I rest my case.
There's a solution to all this. The solution is called marriage. Where--in the presence of family, friends, society, and Almighty God--you take vows. You commit to each other.
I know what divorce rates are like nowadays. But vows were made. Break up the marriage and you don't just walk away. There's work to be done. You've got to GET OUT of those vows. Somehow. Somewhere.
I am a retired school teacher. It was a private Christian school. Still is. The wife of our Bible instructor (years ago) was having a child. Young lady approaches Bible instructor. "Well, congratulations, Mr.______________. So you're gonna be a baby dad! Who's the baby mom?"
A little affronted (not much--he knew the way of the world), my friend replied. "No, ____________, I'm NOT going to be a baby dad. I'm a FATHER. I'm married to a woman. She's my WIFE. We all LIVE together--and I'm going to love, cherish, take care of the child she's carrying right now."
The young lady's response will echo in my mind till the day I die:
"Oh. You all LIVE together--loving each other--taking care of each other?
"Yes,____________. That's EXACTLY what I mean."
Young lady (wistfully): "It sounds like a fairy tale!"
"For this reason, shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh . . . . ."
I rest my case.
3
Single adults get lonely. Loneliness was the worst part. I hated it. It lasted a decade into my early 30's. Find a girl. Date for a while. Sex. Discover each others imperfections. Breakup. Same cycle every three months for years. There was then and there is now never enough money. Upper middle class and I still want more things. But, I did break the cycle and the loneliness is gone. Found the girl. Married her. Fatherhood. Discovered each others imperfections and joke about them. Thirty years and its still enjoyable. Feel blessed.
2
Some fathers leave their children for all the old reasons: to look for jobs where the jobs are or, as Tillie Olsen wrote in "I Stand Here Ironing," because they cannot bear to share their families' want.
Others just fancy starting new lives with new wives and new babies.
Still others father babies and move on to other women and father more.
What is this column about?
Others just fancy starting new lives with new wives and new babies.
Still others father babies and move on to other women and father more.
What is this column about?
4
It would be great of people could also rally around comprehensive sex education, birth control and access to affordable abortion.
3
Earlier this month, while volunteering with a support group for homeless men, I met a man who claimed he was about to become a father for the 9th time (with different women).
As an infertile woman who has tried unsuccessfully to birth or adopt a child within the bounds of marriage, I was appalled for many reasons.... this man obviously has a host of personal, cognitive and social challenge... while I have empathy for him, I believe that conceiving children you can't care for is totally irresponsible. Also, assuming it was consensual, why would women engage in sex with such a man?
Honestly, I think Brooks' column excuses immature and I thoughtful behavior in the part of both women and men, but especially men. There is NO excuse to abandon a child!
As an infertile woman who has tried unsuccessfully to birth or adopt a child within the bounds of marriage, I was appalled for many reasons.... this man obviously has a host of personal, cognitive and social challenge... while I have empathy for him, I believe that conceiving children you can't care for is totally irresponsible. Also, assuming it was consensual, why would women engage in sex with such a man?
Honestly, I think Brooks' column excuses immature and I thoughtful behavior in the part of both women and men, but especially men. There is NO excuse to abandon a child!
5
MIA DADS Some fathers maintain positive, though limited contact with their kids once separated from their mother. But even those who are present physically are not accessible emotionally. There's a great deal more to fatherhood than the act of procreation. It starts with creation--forming the bond with the mother and child or children. I saw a program about sex education that showed a lesson on reproduction taught to teens in France. The teachers shown, both women, were calm, gentle, supportive and encouraging. In fact, they told the kids, When you have sex for the first time, remember that it's going to be the best feeling you can have. So take your time and enjoy it. Vive la difference!. Here in the US such an approach with kids would most often result in the instant dismissal of any teacher who would try dare to use such a humane approach. We're a minimalist country in the US, including Nancy Ray Gun's micro mini contribution to the wellbeing of the nation with the sum total of two letters: NO! Just say no. Fatherhood is a wonderful experience that can produce great love and affection with unlimited rewards. But it's also damned hard work every single day.
Multi-generational welfare families are a leading cause of this disaster.
And it is not a function simply of welfare and lack of social programs - a recent study in Norway indicated the exact same thing - so this idea that individuals stumble into this irresponsible actions is illusory.
https://academic.oup.com/qje/article/129/4/1711/1852847/Family-Welfare-C...
And it is not a function simply of welfare and lack of social programs - a recent study in Norway indicated the exact same thing - so this idea that individuals stumble into this irresponsible actions is illusory.
https://academic.oup.com/qje/article/129/4/1711/1852847/Family-Welfare-C...
1
One big reason why fathers abandon their children, why so many homes are broken, why so many people live in poverty?
The human sex drive. Apparently the human sex drive is so powerful, so overmastering, that a person is willing to reproduce even though living in poverty and obviously condemning children to a life of the same. The sex drive is apparently so powerful that a person cannot construct a coherent plan in life, get an education, find meaningful and remunerative work, and construct a home which removes the children from an environment of poverty.
Apparently it is much easier for horses to rut than to get the cart in order then attach the horses and give them as their reward for pulling the cart a night of friskiness in the barn or field. Why is it so difficult to just introduce measures into society that people simply will not be allowed to reproduce unless of a particular age and station in life (educated, with employment)? Simply adding birth control, abortion, protection (condom), education is not enough. People must be stopped from bringing children up in poverty--and no, giving people money (socialism) then telling them to breed away is not going to solve the problem.
We need disciplined people--either disciplined inherently or forced to get themselves under control in some fashion--to keep children from being brought up in poverty, broken homes. What kind of person is it that brings a child up in poverty? Is that not hardly different from an animal existence?
The human sex drive. Apparently the human sex drive is so powerful, so overmastering, that a person is willing to reproduce even though living in poverty and obviously condemning children to a life of the same. The sex drive is apparently so powerful that a person cannot construct a coherent plan in life, get an education, find meaningful and remunerative work, and construct a home which removes the children from an environment of poverty.
Apparently it is much easier for horses to rut than to get the cart in order then attach the horses and give them as their reward for pulling the cart a night of friskiness in the barn or field. Why is it so difficult to just introduce measures into society that people simply will not be allowed to reproduce unless of a particular age and station in life (educated, with employment)? Simply adding birth control, abortion, protection (condom), education is not enough. People must be stopped from bringing children up in poverty--and no, giving people money (socialism) then telling them to breed away is not going to solve the problem.
We need disciplined people--either disciplined inherently or forced to get themselves under control in some fashion--to keep children from being brought up in poverty, broken homes. What kind of person is it that brings a child up in poverty? Is that not hardly different from an animal existence?
2
We are social, and sexual, beings, seeking happiness by sharing our individual qualities, however imperfect, and hope for the best. When children 'happen', and financial shortcomings bring us back to reality, and the fact we never really sat down to know each other, things fall apart. And as much as a man wants to be part of his child's everyday needs and wishes, it is usually up to the mother, much more down- to- earth than we men ever could, what's next so to protect the progeny. That we men seek alternatives in all the wrong places, once our job doesn't seem appreciated (especially when reluctant, or unable, to contribute financially), is such a common occurrence, that complications ensue to the detriment of the child. A strong community support may become substantial in ameliorating our shortcomings. A child growing up feeling unloved may be at least half our problems in later life, poverty and violence perhaps the most obvious.
Big fan of DB, but this is a little much. Asking deadbeat dads why they abandoned their kids and expecting a truthful answer? To quote Red from the movie: "I'm the only guilty man in Shawshank".
4
Mr Brooks
Your coverage of "why fathers leave their children" I find to be offensively incomplete. My own experience of abandonment by my father hits none of the trademark characteristics mentioned in the research you have reported here. My father and mother were married, my birth was planned and wanted, my parents were in love, if anyone one was not 100% it was my mother (schizophrenic). My father was well educated and gainfully employed with plenty of supports around him. Why, when his wife absconded with me under some psychotic delusion, did he give up on trying to keep me safe from her unstable breaks from reality? Why did he allow her to keep me hidden away from him and the rest of my family? He knew where she had taken me. He had access, money, ability, capability, and the law on his side. I have heard the expression "I was doing my best" come from his lips in an insufficient attempt to explain away why he did nothing for so long. That is a joke. Doing your best means putting your children first. Having a child means rearranging your life priorities to ensure the safety and well being of your child -- ahead of your own if necessary. There is no doing your best otherwise, the rest is excuses. The rest is being a dead beat dad who abandons his kids. Be careful when you write about what "the truth is", Mr Brooks. Your truth, the truth of a single group of researchers, is not necessarily the only truth that exists.
Your coverage of "why fathers leave their children" I find to be offensively incomplete. My own experience of abandonment by my father hits none of the trademark characteristics mentioned in the research you have reported here. My father and mother were married, my birth was planned and wanted, my parents were in love, if anyone one was not 100% it was my mother (schizophrenic). My father was well educated and gainfully employed with plenty of supports around him. Why, when his wife absconded with me under some psychotic delusion, did he give up on trying to keep me safe from her unstable breaks from reality? Why did he allow her to keep me hidden away from him and the rest of my family? He knew where she had taken me. He had access, money, ability, capability, and the law on his side. I have heard the expression "I was doing my best" come from his lips in an insufficient attempt to explain away why he did nothing for so long. That is a joke. Doing your best means putting your children first. Having a child means rearranging your life priorities to ensure the safety and well being of your child -- ahead of your own if necessary. There is no doing your best otherwise, the rest is excuses. The rest is being a dead beat dad who abandons his kids. Be careful when you write about what "the truth is", Mr Brooks. Your truth, the truth of a single group of researchers, is not necessarily the only truth that exists.
11
Sorry, call me Debbie Downer, but I just can't go for the rationalizations of why men, not just poor men, but men, inseminate women and move on to let them raise the children. Brooks says that, despite our instincts to call these men 'deadbeat dads, 'when you ask absent fathers themselves, you get a different picture.' Of course! What man is going to be honest and say, 'Yeah, I left that woman and my child[ren] so I could chill with my friends and meet other women.' Answer? None.
Brooks opines that 'these guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives.' Oh, and the women, who are born 2nd class citizens, haven't?! And let's not even get into the middle and upper-middle class deadbeat dads who refuse for years to even pay a modest sum for child support. Instead, they abandon their child[ren] *and* leave them in a situation with the parent who is bound to earn much, much less then them by virtue of her gender.
From my point of view, we spend too much time on trying to commiserate with these guys who care less for their own offspring. At the same time, our culture dumps heaps and heaps of condemnation on the women who do their very best to raise these fatherless children. They're blamed for crime, educational shortfalls, societal breakdown, when in fact, they're doing everything they can to keep their family together with no support.
My parents had a vitriolic divorce. Luckily, my father never used that as an excuse to abandon me. I'm forever grateful.
Brooks opines that 'these guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives.' Oh, and the women, who are born 2nd class citizens, haven't?! And let's not even get into the middle and upper-middle class deadbeat dads who refuse for years to even pay a modest sum for child support. Instead, they abandon their child[ren] *and* leave them in a situation with the parent who is bound to earn much, much less then them by virtue of her gender.
From my point of view, we spend too much time on trying to commiserate with these guys who care less for their own offspring. At the same time, our culture dumps heaps and heaps of condemnation on the women who do their very best to raise these fatherless children. They're blamed for crime, educational shortfalls, societal breakdown, when in fact, they're doing everything they can to keep their family together with no support.
My parents had a vitriolic divorce. Luckily, my father never used that as an excuse to abandon me. I'm forever grateful.
4
Sad to say but just as many mothers of unplanned children probably want to leave them, but can't, because the laws treat them much more harshly when they do.
How about this novel idea: not ready for kids? Don't them! Men, use a condos, don't rely on the women. Women, go on birth control, don't rely on the man. And if it ends up happening and you're not ready, terminate the pregnancy immediately. Don't leave an innocent child to the whimsy of your accidental or irresponsible situation.
If everyone could practice this type of "dual control" we wouldn't have as many of these situations.
How about this novel idea: not ready for kids? Don't them! Men, use a condos, don't rely on the women. Women, go on birth control, don't rely on the man. And if it ends up happening and you're not ready, terminate the pregnancy immediately. Don't leave an innocent child to the whimsy of your accidental or irresponsible situation.
If everyone could practice this type of "dual control" we wouldn't have as many of these situations.
2
David,
You're dating/stereotyping yourself....
"Leave it to Beaver". Really?
You can't come up with a more relevant cultural reference?
Golly gee whiz willikers, consider hiring an assistant under the age of 50.
You're dating/stereotyping yourself....
"Leave it to Beaver". Really?
You can't come up with a more relevant cultural reference?
Golly gee whiz willikers, consider hiring an assistant under the age of 50.
OMG. It's come to this. An apologist for a man's ultimate bad behavior. "These guys have often had a lot of negativity in their lives."
Again. David Brooks, you get it wrong.
Again. David Brooks, you get it wrong.
11
Methods of birth control need to be easily obtainable, and people need to be educated about them. That would help the US bring rates of unintended pregnancy down to where they are in Europe already. The government can play a huge positive role in this. Unfortunately, Republicans are doing their best to prevent the government from doing any good for anybody but campaign contributors.
2
I knew you'd find a way to blame it on those "bossy" women.
8
Some of the best analysis of the issue I've read. Thoughtful without the requisite "toxic-masculinity" memes.
Might we consider the term "whitesplaining" as a description of such earnestly paternalistic upper-middle class concern for the lower orders?
If so, then David Brooks is building a formidable relationship as a "whitesplainer."
If so, then David Brooks is building a formidable relationship as a "whitesplainer."
5
Here's a thought: science based sex ed in high schools; free condoms and birth control pills. Paid family leave for one parent for a period after birth. Freedom of choice for pregnant women to terminate unwanted babies.
In my nearly 76 years I've observed that it's unwanted babies that lead men to leave their girlfriends and wives.
The goal of a civilized society should be to FIRST educate high school students how to avoid having unwanted babies with science based sex ed.
In my nearly 76 years I've observed that it's unwanted babies that lead men to leave their girlfriends and wives.
The goal of a civilized society should be to FIRST educate high school students how to avoid having unwanted babies with science based sex ed.
2
The article states that many couples deliberately choose not to use birth control or have an abortion. They think they want a child until they realize that it's a big commitment that lasts for at least 18 years. It seems more like a combination of immaturity and naivety to me.
They should be taught in high school, in my view, the consequences of their sexual behavior.
1
Thank you Mr Brooks for this op-ed which does nothing more than soft-peddles a significant moral issue which is at the heart of many social ills plaguing this nation.These men are simply irresponsible people; an irresponsibility that cuts across racial lines, I have seen just as many, in fact, probably more whites who shun the responsibility of fatherhood because they do not want to be tied down, that someone they will be less of man. His support for social programs to encourage the tradition two parent household, not being specific about the genders of that arrangement, is really out of character by a conservative trained in William F. Buckley mold. Is Mr. Brooks becoming a liberal in his old age? That goes against Churchill's observation that if you're conservative as a youth, then you do not have a heart; if you're liberal as an adult, then you do not have brain. Let's hope Mr. Brooks finds his brain. Cheers!
1
Sex is irrational. Sexual activity is not rational. Procreation can only be decided when it is not a default condition. Reason demands that human beings choose pregnancy because we are genetically predisposed to have sex. In the animal kingdom, sex is what happens when a female ovulates in the vicinity of males. Outcomes are always brutal. In many species, the male's role is completed at ejaculation. In all others, there is no "plan" only rudimentary provisions like a nest. Predation of offspring by males is also a norm in some species. Human beings have "religious" tribal constraints on sex, that don't work, that cause Psychological problems, that result in "unwanted children". Somehow, Brooks presents a narrative that fails to recognize that unplanned children are often unwanted. Instead, we are stuck mulling over how to get men to become fathers to unwanted children.
Reason presents a choice to become infertile until we are in a committed relationship. It's medically possible and with effort it can become inexpensive, safe, and easily reversed. With the onset of puberty all children can be relieved of the reproductive consequence of sex. Given the long term costs to individuals and society, rational responses to sexual imperatives will become necessary. At 7 billion plus, our resources are diminishing and poorly distributed.
Today, men who abandon children could be offered reversible sterilization in lieu of fines and jail to address the harm that this issue causes.
Reason presents a choice to become infertile until we are in a committed relationship. It's medically possible and with effort it can become inexpensive, safe, and easily reversed. With the onset of puberty all children can be relieved of the reproductive consequence of sex. Given the long term costs to individuals and society, rational responses to sexual imperatives will become necessary. At 7 billion plus, our resources are diminishing and poorly distributed.
Today, men who abandon children could be offered reversible sterilization in lieu of fines and jail to address the harm that this issue causes.
So young women are the villains of this story for being "practical" and for failing to be these young men's ideal soul mates? Please. Resourceful young mothers are the heroes here, because unlike the irresponsible young men they procreated with, they can't just walk away, swept up in their own tragic victimhood. Someone has to take care of these babies, and since society (or at least David Brooks) is willing to give fathers a pass, women step up. Biology gives them little choice, especially in a nation where republican legislators are hard at work chipping away at Roe vs. Wade.
12
Of course this was written by a white male.
As if the only deadbeat dads are working class, or working poor, or or or....
Excluded are the middle, upper middle, and wealthy men who abandon their children routinely, as they trade in wives for younger models, or decide that the commitment is more than they care to make -- children are so time consuming and demanding and troublesome.
"The key weakness is not the father's bond to the child; it's the parents' bond with each other. They usually went into this without much love or sense of commitment."
On what do you base this assertion, Mr. Brooks?
Not only is it wrong -- it's downright offensive.
Ask any middle-upper middle class woman abandoned with the children after 8, 10, 15 years of marriage, and if they're honest they'll tell you that the men left because they didn't care about their kids, period. That their marriages underwent major changes once children arrived, and it is the child, or children, who led to the divorce. The father now has to share the love and attention of his wife/now a mother. He's no longer the center of everything. Worse, he's asked to put aside Self First, and help raise his flesh and blood. This is beyond his ken. He's entitled spend his time as he wants to, not reading "The Cat in the Hat" six times in a row.
The biggest lie told to children of divorce is "daddy's not leaving you, daddy's leaving mommy. Daddy loves you, and isn't leaving you." Then he walks out the door, forever.
The Y chromosome.
As if the only deadbeat dads are working class, or working poor, or or or....
Excluded are the middle, upper middle, and wealthy men who abandon their children routinely, as they trade in wives for younger models, or decide that the commitment is more than they care to make -- children are so time consuming and demanding and troublesome.
"The key weakness is not the father's bond to the child; it's the parents' bond with each other. They usually went into this without much love or sense of commitment."
On what do you base this assertion, Mr. Brooks?
Not only is it wrong -- it's downright offensive.
Ask any middle-upper middle class woman abandoned with the children after 8, 10, 15 years of marriage, and if they're honest they'll tell you that the men left because they didn't care about their kids, period. That their marriages underwent major changes once children arrived, and it is the child, or children, who led to the divorce. The father now has to share the love and attention of his wife/now a mother. He's no longer the center of everything. Worse, he's asked to put aside Self First, and help raise his flesh and blood. This is beyond his ken. He's entitled spend his time as he wants to, not reading "The Cat in the Hat" six times in a row.
The biggest lie told to children of divorce is "daddy's not leaving you, daddy's leaving mommy. Daddy loves you, and isn't leaving you." Then he walks out the door, forever.
The Y chromosome.
15
It never ceases to amaze me that men and women need years of training and a government license before they can be entrusted with people's affairs and safety in law, medicine, and aviation, but when it comes to the most challenging role of all, that of parenthood, all we seem to want to do is clean up the human mess after the fact.
5
Maybe we could FULLY FUND Planned Parenthood so everyone has access to contraception and make sure these unplanned babies don't happen. Just a crazy thought.
8
If I didn't know better, I would question whether this whole article was serious. Sympathy for men who father and abandon numerous children whom they never had any chance of supporting? Parenthood is really grueling, and these fathers - and the mothers described too - are obviously just not cut out for it. These people obviously think the taxpayers can always pay for their children's support. Free birth control is needed - plus enormous pressure to responsibly use the damn stuff, and to only get pregnant when it is carefully planned. Garnishing wages should be done more rigorously, and across state lines. Poor people should just not be having children. How can anyone argue otherwise? I don't know how to get them to understand that, but I think that is the key here. (I suspect some trolling may follow this statement...)
2
No trolling here. I was okay with much of what you had to say until the "poor people should just not be having children" part. It's more a question of not thinking things through rather than their not being "cut out" for it. Having children is a natural drive for us mammals. It's up to society to somehow get the message across that planning is absolutely necessary, especially when we've come rather far from subsistence living where the woman gathers firewood, brings water from the stream, cooks meals, takes care of the children until they are old enough to help out while the man goes out and kills the woolly mammoth. Remember: everybody was "poor people" in olden times. What would you like, a law that prevents people from having children because they don't have enough money?
Getting people to think more responsibly about becoming parents is not something that can be covered in one pundit article or one commenter's 1500 characters. But can we all agree that all human beings have the right to reproduce? That would be a nice start.
By the way, I'm curious....what steps are you taking to "get them to understand that?"
Getting people to think more responsibly about becoming parents is not something that can be covered in one pundit article or one commenter's 1500 characters. But can we all agree that all human beings have the right to reproduce? That would be a nice start.
By the way, I'm curious....what steps are you taking to "get them to understand that?"
1
How hard is it for a man to learn the immortal saying, "No love without the glove?
Perhaps "child support" should be tattooed on men in a particular area to remind them.
You somehow have to change a culture where having a string of baby mommas is looked up to.
I have been to funerals where the deceased had 13 children by seven different women. He was a really good guy, but a failure as a father.
Perhaps "child support" should be tattooed on men in a particular area to remind them.
You somehow have to change a culture where having a string of baby mommas is looked up to.
I have been to funerals where the deceased had 13 children by seven different women. He was a really good guy, but a failure as a father.
1
Although we all hope there is an ability to change the reasons fathers leave their children, there is a fundamental change that has to be made first.
And that is the acceptance of responsibility of both parents.
The dilution of individual responsibility in all walks of life today is truly terrifying.
No one is responsible for anything.
We can not continue to make excuses for everything that does not turn out the way we want it to.
Today's young people are offered a way out of every failure, from striking out in the little league to fathering a child out of wedlock.
We may hope to turn some relationships around, but not without individual responsibility.
And that is the acceptance of responsibility of both parents.
The dilution of individual responsibility in all walks of life today is truly terrifying.
No one is responsible for anything.
We can not continue to make excuses for everything that does not turn out the way we want it to.
Today's young people are offered a way out of every failure, from striking out in the little league to fathering a child out of wedlock.
We may hope to turn some relationships around, but not without individual responsibility.
1
"Will this guy provide the financial stability I need, and if not, can I trade up to someone who will?"
No, he can't. It isn't that he would not if he could, he just can't. There is the problem, men who can't possibly make it in the world. There are not jobs they could do that pay what would be needed. Once there were. Now there are not.
No, he can't. It isn't that he would not if he could, he just can't. There is the problem, men who can't possibly make it in the world. There are not jobs they could do that pay what would be needed. Once there were. Now there are not.
3
Brooks completely ignores the deep economic disparities that are at the core of disparate rates of fatherless households for African American households. And let's be real: say "single parent household" in America and Black is most often assumed, even as this is a phenomenon that cuts across class, race and ethnic boundaries.
Black men have been less likely to form families because for centuries they have been denied equal access to the same jobs that white men have used to support their families. And even though legalized job and housing discrimination formally ended 50 years ago, the effects still linger. The FDNY was more than 94% white just a few years ago, in a city that is half nonwhite. New Deal homeowner programs excluded Blacks by design, trapping Black households in crumbling neighborhoods that were then redlined and stripped of education and public infrastructure. The list goes on.
With David Brooks, whenever he is saying something sensible, one must say "let me see your other hand!" Here, Brooks seems to offer compassion and understanding, but by ignoring an essential root cause, he can avoid any responsibility of its own: as a decades-long advocate of right wing and neoliberal public policy that kept public resources from being used to rectify deep socioeconomic divisions, Brooks himself bears some responsibility for exactly the social problems he is now describing.
Black men have been less likely to form families because for centuries they have been denied equal access to the same jobs that white men have used to support their families. And even though legalized job and housing discrimination formally ended 50 years ago, the effects still linger. The FDNY was more than 94% white just a few years ago, in a city that is half nonwhite. New Deal homeowner programs excluded Blacks by design, trapping Black households in crumbling neighborhoods that were then redlined and stripped of education and public infrastructure. The list goes on.
With David Brooks, whenever he is saying something sensible, one must say "let me see your other hand!" Here, Brooks seems to offer compassion and understanding, but by ignoring an essential root cause, he can avoid any responsibility of its own: as a decades-long advocate of right wing and neoliberal public policy that kept public resources from being used to rectify deep socioeconomic divisions, Brooks himself bears some responsibility for exactly the social problems he is now describing.
2
There is a naiveté about you on this topic, Mr. Brooks. I especially love the line 'create a couple's budget to make sure you can afford this.'
OK. I'll play along. Let's all put on our rose-tinted glasses.
Suddenly everyone in America is in a two-parent family. There's always enough food for everyone, Martha Stewart sheets on every bed, a swing set in every yard. Daddy works in a job that pays enough to support all of this. Mommy works too, if that's what she wants, but if she doesn't have to because one salary is all that's needed. (Or maybe Mommy goes to work and Daddy stays home. It depends on what they want).
Possible? It could be.
But, with respect to Mr. Green, it takes more than poetry.
Kids, and that's what we're talking about here, don't wake up one morning wanting, much less knowing how, to create a 'couple's budget'. These things are taught. If their own parents are incapable of doing that teaching, there needs to be a larger community organized to help through education, a social safety net, medical services. Those things so many others take for granted could help some of those kids break through and shine.
It takes will and it takes work if some of those kids are going to break through and shine.
I know you're expecting me to quote Hillary Clinton here, but I'm going to surprise you. I'll quote Pope Francis. 'Pray for the hungry. Then feed them.'
In other words, Mr. Brooks, poetry is nice and wishful thinking is fun, but only deeds make the difference.
OK. I'll play along. Let's all put on our rose-tinted glasses.
Suddenly everyone in America is in a two-parent family. There's always enough food for everyone, Martha Stewart sheets on every bed, a swing set in every yard. Daddy works in a job that pays enough to support all of this. Mommy works too, if that's what she wants, but if she doesn't have to because one salary is all that's needed. (Or maybe Mommy goes to work and Daddy stays home. It depends on what they want).
Possible? It could be.
But, with respect to Mr. Green, it takes more than poetry.
Kids, and that's what we're talking about here, don't wake up one morning wanting, much less knowing how, to create a 'couple's budget'. These things are taught. If their own parents are incapable of doing that teaching, there needs to be a larger community organized to help through education, a social safety net, medical services. Those things so many others take for granted could help some of those kids break through and shine.
It takes will and it takes work if some of those kids are going to break through and shine.
I know you're expecting me to quote Hillary Clinton here, but I'm going to surprise you. I'll quote Pope Francis. 'Pray for the hungry. Then feed them.'
In other words, Mr. Brooks, poetry is nice and wishful thinking is fun, but only deeds make the difference.
4
One key factor contributing to relationships failing and children being left with their mothers is just being young. My parents were highschool sweethearts and had me right after college, when they were both 24. They had had little real life experience before and no real chance to grow. Both remarried successfully in their late 30s. But in the meantime, my mother raised me on her own (with her parents' assistance), because while my father was allowed by the society to grow up and develop as if childless and free from responsibility, my mom gad to grow up herself and develop being a mom.
2
So is he just going to forget about the men that find a woman, marry her because he loves her, has a child or children with her, and leaves her and the kids because he can't handle the situation? I'm sure there are plenty of men that have done that.
At this point it doesn't even matter about the man’s background or if the parents are together or not. A baby is a lot of work and can cause a shift in the priorities of parents and some men don't understand that happens. So they start to feel abandoned by the woman and go out to find someone new to show them the love and while the man is out being selfish the woman is left home to care for the child most of the day by herself. That might be one reason why the man leaves… He finds someone new to care for his emotional needs.
The father could take care of his kids and be in their lives the best way possible, but there is one little breathing obstacle that is in his way… THE MOTHER. Sometimes the mother doesn't like the bond the man is having with their child, because she wants a relationship with the man but he doesn't want to be with her. So she starts doing little things like pushing him away, he catches on to them and he tries to talk about it but she doesn't want to hear anything he has to say. Once he has had enough of it he just stops coming around because of the mom, and now she is left with sad kids asking for their father everyday.
At this point it doesn't even matter about the man’s background or if the parents are together or not. A baby is a lot of work and can cause a shift in the priorities of parents and some men don't understand that happens. So they start to feel abandoned by the woman and go out to find someone new to show them the love and while the man is out being selfish the woman is left home to care for the child most of the day by herself. That might be one reason why the man leaves… He finds someone new to care for his emotional needs.
The father could take care of his kids and be in their lives the best way possible, but there is one little breathing obstacle that is in his way… THE MOTHER. Sometimes the mother doesn't like the bond the man is having with their child, because she wants a relationship with the man but he doesn't want to be with her. So she starts doing little things like pushing him away, he catches on to them and he tries to talk about it but she doesn't want to hear anything he has to say. Once he has had enough of it he just stops coming around because of the mom, and now she is left with sad kids asking for their father everyday.
1
It all comes down to a lack of self-discipline and a willingness to make huge life sacrifices for the new life one has created. That self-discipline starts with keeping on the damn condoms til marriage.
2
Where have I heard this before? Oh, right. This is essentially what Christianity has been teaching for thousands of years. Sex without commitment and love tends to have pretty crappy consequences. You can't outsmart nature, unfortunately.
2
The desire and commitment is there in the beginning, but without love and support, relationships deteriorate and the original intent can rapidly fade
and our idiot president is gutting planned parenthood where women can go for birth control..soon not to be covered by insurance yet men are covered by ins. for viagra etc.so they can feel virile by reproducing themselves and walk it when the going gets tough.The GOP is getting rid of everything that aids the poor.After all,"poverty is just a state of mind"just ask any single mother.
The horrid GOP doesn't care that "we do better when we ALL do better".Thank you Paul Wellstone.
The horrid GOP doesn't care that "we do better when we ALL do better".Thank you Paul Wellstone.
7
I think this is the dopiest piece I have ever read. David Brooks is asked by his editors to write an oped on Fathers Day weekend and he comes up with this mealy-mouthed apologia. Why do men have to be coached by our government's social services on how to be dads?
9
Do the words "Planned Parenthood" ring in our ears and ooze our of our brains? An agency typically thought of as supporting mothers, it is truly an agency for couples, has been, and is about to be decimated. Visits are easy, judgment is low, help with the matters discussed in this article is readily available, and where more help is needed, references are given. A planning reference was offered, almost offhandedly, by the words "make sure you want children with this partner before you get off the pill". This is both logical and typical, but ignores the current assault by Vice President Pence, on any sort of contraception. "A two-parent stable family is what we want". Who could disagree. Planned Parenthood and similar helping agencies that offer these needed social services are now, today, on the chopping block as we read this article and as Republican Senators plot to gut Health Care for the millions who simply cannot afford such services out of pocket. If dads found it difficult in the past, imagine what is ahead.
10
Why do daughters leave their fathers? Yes, it happened to me! My daughter left me when she was 18 also because of money, She only wanted to attend an expensive, private university because of "peer pressure" and the pressure put on her by the administrators of the private, Catholic high school that she attended I was an ordinary civil servant who earned $60,000 a year. Obviously I did not have the income or resources to pay all her tuition and room and board at such a university(she said it was my duty to do so) so she left me in order to qualify for more financial aid. She still needed to take out loans to make up the deficit, now, 10 years later, she still won't talk to me because she still thinks it was my duty to pay all of her tuition and room an board at the university where she earned her Bachelor of Arts. Is there any other father out there who has had a similar experience with their son or daughter?
1
What's all this bleeding heart liberal noise about social programs.
If ya can't feed 'em don't breed 'em.
Nah! Let the children suffer the wages of their parents immaturity and sin.
Make it tougher for poor women to obtain family planning and birth control.
That'll teach 'em.
signed
GOP
If ya can't feed 'em don't breed 'em.
Nah! Let the children suffer the wages of their parents immaturity and sin.
Make it tougher for poor women to obtain family planning and birth control.
That'll teach 'em.
signed
GOP
1
David....do you realize you put the BLAME on women...again!! Help!! stay on the pill....etc...I am 77 and furious with this op.ed of yours;;;you, my favorite Republican. PLEASE read Ben Sasse...Vanishing American Adult...it is the males that are fading away from all responsibility, YET when women speak in Congress or anywhere they are hysterical...wait...I am hysterical after reading your piece...please start over! Walking away from your kids, is NEVER right!
8
David Brooks, you hit a sore point with me when you are an apologist for fathers who abandon their children. In 1969, when I was duly married to a Chapel Hill lawyer, with a family of 6 children (3 mine, 3 his), and pregnant with his, he abandoned me and his unborn child to pursue an affair with his newly-hired young childless secretary. He allowed our home to be put up at public auction because he had secretly refused to pay the mortgage loan (I had made the down payment), he refused to take me to the hospital when I went into labor, refused to see our baby, refused to pay medical bills, told me he hoped our baby died when she went into a coma with cerebral meningitis. A psychiatrist told me my husband was a sociopath with no conscience, no empathy, no remorse. Devastated, with God's grace and the kindness of strangers, I managed to survive with my children and rebuild my life, finding a decent, responsible man who legally adopted my ex-husband's child. Today she has given me 2 wonderful grandchildren; her bio-father is in his 4th marriage, never ever having expressed remorse for abandoning his child. My point is that we mothers do not have the option of abandoning our children, for they are in our wombs and when born are crying for us to feed them. There is no excuse whatsoever for a father not to nurture the child who is the product of his sexual behavior. Abandoning fathers should be incarcerated at hard labor until they can no longer inseminate.
53
Absolutely agree with your thoughts. No excuses to leakers.
Thank you very much.
Having slowly watched as my child's father pulled away from us until his relationship with her is non-existent, there is some truth to these ideas. However, there is both an assumption of the mercenary on the woman's part and of an idealism of relationships on the man's part that overly simplifies the extremely complex dynamics involved such situations. Also concerning is the fact that in Brooks discussion of what might be done to improve matters, he only addresses front end solutions. If child abandonment is a long, drawn out process (such as my experience) aught we not look at addressing it in as many stages as possible?
2
The biggest and most costly mistakes people make are poor choices in marriage or living together. The other disasters can be at least be dealt with, but poor reasons for picking their partner will reverberate longer than anyone's memory of the father's name.
I have to say, that it is good for once to read a David Brooks article that isn't full of hatred for the President the American people chose. For the first time in months, this column doesn't remind me of enemy propaganda during a war.
Now, do we ask school systems to teach parenthood?
I have to say, that it is good for once to read a David Brooks article that isn't full of hatred for the President the American people chose. For the first time in months, this column doesn't remind me of enemy propaganda during a war.
Now, do we ask school systems to teach parenthood?
3
The American people did not choose this President in the normally understood way.
Say "he is the President", say "he won", even "he won fair and square".
But this insistence on your part and many others to allude to some kind of public acclamation of the American people is ludicrous. Stop that, or you'll be reminded each and every time - more people voted for the opponent of this President.
Say "he is the President", say "he won", even "he won fair and square".
But this insistence on your part and many others to allude to some kind of public acclamation of the American people is ludicrous. Stop that, or you'll be reminded each and every time - more people voted for the opponent of this President.
1
I don't recommend teaching "parenting" as some special course like there's only one way to do it. We ask schools to teach all our children how to succeed in life by learning the tools they need no matter what their background. As another commenter pointed out, Barack Obama succeeded despite an absentee father.
But it's not a bad idea to get "parenting" taught in our schools as an addition to the segment of Biology or Health class that deals with reproduction and contraceptive methods, and an additional segment in Household Economics which explains how much it costs to raise a child and how to do financial planning to that end. One of the best avenues to becoming parents who can stay together and support a child until adulthood is to defer that pregnancy until the couple can afford it.
But America seems to want to become a religious nation rather than the secular country we were instituted to be, and from what I can tell those folks want nothing to do with an honest conversation about birth control. "Abstinence" is the preferred method, but good luck with that. We are mammals with sex drives; it's better to admit the obvious and teach our kids what their options are, and hey, I'm not going as far as abortion here. There is much we can do to avoid unplanned pregnancies before it gets to the abortion stage, but many of those same folks who are anti-abortion don't even want birth control covered under insurance programs. We need to be realistic about reproduction.
But it's not a bad idea to get "parenting" taught in our schools as an addition to the segment of Biology or Health class that deals with reproduction and contraceptive methods, and an additional segment in Household Economics which explains how much it costs to raise a child and how to do financial planning to that end. One of the best avenues to becoming parents who can stay together and support a child until adulthood is to defer that pregnancy until the couple can afford it.
But America seems to want to become a religious nation rather than the secular country we were instituted to be, and from what I can tell those folks want nothing to do with an honest conversation about birth control. "Abstinence" is the preferred method, but good luck with that. We are mammals with sex drives; it's better to admit the obvious and teach our kids what their options are, and hey, I'm not going as far as abortion here. There is much we can do to avoid unplanned pregnancies before it gets to the abortion stage, but many of those same folks who are anti-abortion don't even want birth control covered under insurance programs. We need to be realistic about reproduction.
3
by "the President the American people chose" are you referring to the winner of the popular vote? Just asking.
Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, two of the most successful men in the world (who obviously became presidents), grew up without fathers. As this shows, the success of a child depends on several factors of which parenting is only one. Sure parenting always helps, but there's also the quality of the DNA, or genetics. The genes can be very successful and compensate for the lack of parenting. This is something we don't hear about too often. A woman who has sex with a dysfunctional "cad" isn't necessarily hoping to transform him into a caring dad, she's after his good genes, which is an alternative reproductive strategy that can be very successful.
2
More likely, it means lack of a father isn't the determinative environmental.
You needn't lay everything but father-presence at the feet of genetics. Both fatherless Presidents had devoted single parents, and grandparents.
You needn't lay everything but father-presence at the feet of genetics. Both fatherless Presidents had devoted single parents, and grandparents.
1
My grandfather once said, some men don't know how to be fathers. It's true.
3
I don't quite understand this column, a series of psychobabble excuses for irresponsible behavior.
10
It doesn't help these guys that a great many women have learned how to successfully raise their children by themselves.
2
It should "help these guys" in that, for example, they have that stabilizing backup income as they bootstrap in getting a certificate and stable employment.
It should "help these guys" in that they have examples of single parenthood around them.
But, you see that as an impediment. Why? Is a mother's greater desperate need for a partner the only reason fathers should stick around?
It should "help these guys" in that they have examples of single parenthood around them.
But, you see that as an impediment. Why? Is a mother's greater desperate need for a partner the only reason fathers should stick around?
2
Male pride gets in the way of a lot of things, including family stability.
2
Yeah well maybe "male pride" is something to work on, instead of "a few economic support programs and a confident social script".
We're past where we depend on female dependence and lack of other options to hold families together. People need to be grown ups.
We're past where we depend on female dependence and lack of other options to hold families together. People need to be grown ups.