Mom,
Even though this article came out a year ago, I’m just now reading it because I wasn’t ready to read this. Its inspiring to read about your work and dedication to making sure others can get the proper help they need to overcome mental illness and see that life DOES go on.
24
@Ian Freedenthal-Gutierrez,
Wow, Ian, I didn't know you'd commented here. I happened to see your words, weeks after you posted them, just by coincidence. Thank you so much for sharing your support here. I'm grateful to be an inspiration to you. I'm also very grateful that my life did go on, and that it led me to you. (And to Dad, too! And to our many pets. And to far more than I can name here.) Indeed, life DOES go on.
18
Stacey,
I am glad you survived and are devoting your life to helping others through your counseling and research endeavors... Way to be a voice...
https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
3
I am happy that your life turned out the way it did. But people should know that a change of heart during a suicide attempt doesn't always mean that person has changed their mind. My sister attempted suicide twice within a twenty-year period and finally succeeded two years ago. The pain of losing her is still as strong today as it was when she died. I understand too well the hopelessness one feels wanting to end their life but the ones that love you will never be the same. It is a lose/lose situation for all.
8
As a disabled veteran who has lived with very severe pain almost every day from Cluster Headaches, which has been described as worse than giving birth, by many women. I have gone to psychotherapy for years, no answers there. I have been to at least 12 or 15 neurologists over the years, and everyone of them looks at her/his computer's list of "potential" drugs and not one ever helped. I have really been a medical guinea pig for years. I must admit that I really do not have much faith in our MD's and PhD's anymore, even tho I am one myself. The only drug that ever actually worked to stop all of the pain was Oxycontin prescribed several times. But, no more due to some fools who got addicted, as if they did not know better, so now all of the rest of us patients must do without the relief. Stupid decision to just stop prescribing it.
There are some great drugs that do "help" but the AMA will not let us prescribe any of them, even though there is a great body of evidence in the scientific research that does show they work. Take a deep breath now. I am talking about psychedelics, like LSD, MDMA, Cannabis, Ketamine, etc.
Go online to "Multidisiplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies" (MAPS) if you want to read about the research results.
There are some great drugs that do "help" but the AMA will not let us prescribe any of them, even though there is a great body of evidence in the scientific research that does show they work. Take a deep breath now. I am talking about psychedelics, like LSD, MDMA, Cannabis, Ketamine, etc.
Go online to "Multidisiplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies" (MAPS) if you want to read about the research results.
5
Thank you for writing this article. It has opened my eyes to a new perspective and I have written a reflection to submit to the New York Times Summer Reading Contest. I have found help in your website as a friend and I hope others can do the same.
2
sorry, but this was a letdown. you only alluded to your suicide "my suicide method involved asphyxiation". if you were to bare all, or reveal your secret, you would truly describe the events objectively, as a scientist would. it was nice of you to highlight your site and allow others thinking of killing themselves a possible way to option out, but as far as a true confrontation of the issue and fully sharing with everyone... it doesn't offer much hope if I were to use this article as a referral to myself if I ever contemplated suicide. why would I cal someone who wants me to bare all when that person clearly hasn't?
Antonio,
I understand your frustration at my not sharing the full details of my suicide attempt. In an early draft, I did describe the actions I took to end my life. Ultimately, I didn't "go there" for two reasons:
One, the media guidelines for writing about suicide specifically recommend against stating the method of suicide, in order to prevent suicide contagion. These guidelines are based on the empirical findings of 50 research studies. You can read these guidelines at reportingonsuicide.org.
Two, along the same lines, the method I used was very specific, and I shudder at the thought of giving any vulnerable readers out there instructions on how to kill oneself.
As a result, when weighing the balance of protecting others or going into more specific detail about my suicide attempt, public safety won out.
I understand your frustration at my not sharing the full details of my suicide attempt. In an early draft, I did describe the actions I took to end my life. Ultimately, I didn't "go there" for two reasons:
One, the media guidelines for writing about suicide specifically recommend against stating the method of suicide, in order to prevent suicide contagion. These guidelines are based on the empirical findings of 50 research studies. You can read these guidelines at reportingonsuicide.org.
Two, along the same lines, the method I used was very specific, and I shudder at the thought of giving any vulnerable readers out there instructions on how to kill oneself.
As a result, when weighing the balance of protecting others or going into more specific detail about my suicide attempt, public safety won out.
28
I'm sorry but I doubt the author wants to feed details to someone else who might be in search of a workable method. To want MORE details than that shared here is simply macabre and would not add more to her story.
I appreciate so much your thoughts and honesty - being suicidal is truly a very scary experience...to realize how close you've come to ending your life. That you were able to shock your body back to life is amazing. I'm sure your relief was not immediate but it got you back on track toward finding a solution. Hopefully others will find their way before going quite so far as you.
I appreciate so much your thoughts and honesty - being suicidal is truly a very scary experience...to realize how close you've come to ending your life. That you were able to shock your body back to life is amazing. I'm sure your relief was not immediate but it got you back on track toward finding a solution. Hopefully others will find their way before going quite so far as you.
17
Thank you so much for publishing this moving and unflinching piece. By sharing your story, you are working to help dispel the stigma surrounding mental illness.
12
Sorry, I did not move, nor did I flinch. I believe that this article oozes self-pity, and it perpetuates the very "stigma" which it purports to diminish. We all have far more control over our thoughts and feelings than we've been lead to believe. And, the drugs ("meds") are far less effective, far more dangerous, and far less necessary that PhARMA would lead us to believe.
3
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences about suicide. I am a student in Beirut and I am going to write an article about suicide. I hope I can get support from you by telling me where can I publish it or if I can share my work with you and you publish it.
3
So happy to see this essay. Speaking more openly, and knowing whom we can safely speak openly with, removes a major stressor for people who are feeling suicidal and very much alone. Many of us have been there, including me. Let us feel healthy and confident about being able to say so. The alternative can be crushing. (And thanks to the Times for keeping comments open for so long.)
8
Cara Anna,
Thank you. It's wonderful to see your comment here. Looking back, even though you were a complete stranger at the time (and I still have never met you or spoken with you beyond a few emails), you were a great model to me for "coming out." Your frank posts on your websites talkingaboutsuicide.com and attemptsurvivor.com help many, I'm sure, as they helped me. Thank you for being one of those who inspired me!
Thank you. It's wonderful to see your comment here. Looking back, even though you were a complete stranger at the time (and I still have never met you or spoken with you beyond a few emails), you were a great model to me for "coming out." Your frank posts on your websites talkingaboutsuicide.com and attemptsurvivor.com help many, I'm sure, as they helped me. Thank you for being one of those who inspired me!
6
Thank you for this article. I just learned that a young colleague killed himself. You were no doubt saved by the fact that you did not have access to a gun. Republicans in bed with the gun industry have passed a new law allowing people with diagnosed mental illnesses to buy guns. How Republicans can live with themselves is beyond me.
14
Research shows that 85% of those who use a gun to kill themselves die. Of those who survive, many experience permanent injuries, such as blindness or paralysis. No one who is suicidal should have access to a firearm.
16
Type your comment hereSo-called "mental illnesses" are imaginary "diseases" which were invented to serve as excuses to prescribe neuro-toxic drugs. When we medicalize, and pathologize, our normal thoughts and feelings, we become easy prey for the drug profiteers.
We all have far more control over our thoughts and feelings than the "mental health industry" will ever admit.
We all have far more control over our thoughts and feelings than the "mental health industry" will ever admit.
2
Bill Bradford,
You are very, very fortunate to not have firsthand experience of mental illness. I suppose this is an ironic example of "it takes one to know one" - it takes a person with mental illness to truly know what a mental illness is. Everything else is conjecture, hypothesis, speculation, bias, or ideology.
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are problems in psychiatry and the other mental health professions. I know that misdiagnosis sometimes occurs, that some diagnoses in the DSM are questionable even when applied correctly, that medications are sometimes prescribed needlessly, and even that some mental health professionals are abusive toward those who come to them for help.
None of that negates the fact that mental illness truly does occur, that it is profoundly painful for those who endure it, and that it causes some people to kill themselves. It is a tragedy, one deserving of compassion, empathy, and efforts at understanding, not magical thinking or propaganda.
You are very, very fortunate to not have firsthand experience of mental illness. I suppose this is an ironic example of "it takes one to know one" - it takes a person with mental illness to truly know what a mental illness is. Everything else is conjecture, hypothesis, speculation, bias, or ideology.
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are problems in psychiatry and the other mental health professions. I know that misdiagnosis sometimes occurs, that some diagnoses in the DSM are questionable even when applied correctly, that medications are sometimes prescribed needlessly, and even that some mental health professionals are abusive toward those who come to them for help.
None of that negates the fact that mental illness truly does occur, that it is profoundly painful for those who endure it, and that it causes some people to kill themselves. It is a tragedy, one deserving of compassion, empathy, and efforts at understanding, not magical thinking or propaganda.
15
Thank you for your courage and honesty.
5
Thank you for this honest article. If you are a sane person, it is impossible not to have thoughts of leaving this world. While it holds beauty, joy, love, and experiences of great wonder, it is still filled largely with injustice, blame and judgement, guilt, and loneliness. We are lonely because we believe we are separated from each other and from our Source. Until we address the crux of our problem, which is the mistaken belief that we are not intimately connected to this each other, this earth, and all life, we will continue to hold insane beliefs about our place here.
2
I agree 100% - suicidal thoughts are very normal, and treating them as a "mental illness" prevents this kind of discussion from happening. In fact, labeling adverse experiences and difficult emotions as "mental illnesses" has no grounding in science and is actually a huge barrier to healing. I've helped dozens, maybe hundreds of depressed and suicidal people over the years, and the number one most helpful thing I've done is to help them see that they are not alone, that other people (including me) have experienced similar feelings and that there is NOTHING wrong with them for feeling anxious, depressed or angry about the difficult circumstances of their lives. The entire thrust of the "mental illness is just like physical illness" propaganda is destructive and needs to be scrapped in favor of a more humane approach that acknowledges strong emotions as normal responses to the challenges that life offers us.
1
Steve,
I agree that suicidal thoughts often are a valid response to suffering, in the same way that post-traumatic reactions and grief shouldn't be always be pathologized. But would you say this is true 100% of the time for people with suicidal thoughts? At the extreme, I think of a person with intrusive, unwelcome, obsessive thoughts of suicide (perhaps even command hallucinations) who desperately wants to survive despite their mind’s machinations and who feels, against their will, compelled to act on the suicidal thoughts. That is, of course, one extreme. Between the two extremes - the person comforted by thoughts of suicide during a difficult night (a la Nietzsche) and the person hearing compelling commands to die by suicide against his or her will - are many, many gradations, some of which, in my opinion (and in various empirical studies' findings), are indeed pathological.
I agree that suicidal thoughts often are a valid response to suffering, in the same way that post-traumatic reactions and grief shouldn't be always be pathologized. But would you say this is true 100% of the time for people with suicidal thoughts? At the extreme, I think of a person with intrusive, unwelcome, obsessive thoughts of suicide (perhaps even command hallucinations) who desperately wants to survive despite their mind’s machinations and who feels, against their will, compelled to act on the suicidal thoughts. That is, of course, one extreme. Between the two extremes - the person comforted by thoughts of suicide during a difficult night (a la Nietzsche) and the person hearing compelling commands to die by suicide against his or her will - are many, many gradations, some of which, in my opinion (and in various empirical studies' findings), are indeed pathological.
5
Hi, Stacey,
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I was perhaps being slightly hyperbolic, in that there are situations where command hallucinations can take over, or where a person believes suicide is the answer to some non-existent problem they believe they have to solve. Yet even in such situations, it is possible to understand the motivations of the person, to either end the voices or solve the "problem" they think is so threatening.
That said, I've talked to probably a couple of hundred suicidal people in my career, and coached volunteers or other counselors through hundreds more, and validating their fears and their hopelessness has almost always been the route to a healing discussion. And labeling the person as abnormal and invalidating their experiences, even delusional ones, has been uniformly unsuccessful in bringing about any kind of change. I'll admit, there have been a few over the years I've been unable to connect with, but percentagewise, my record speaks for itself.
So yes, it's not 100% normal, but even when it's not, I've found good listening and normalization of emotional reactions to difficult circumstances, whether real or imagined, to be the best approach to the overwhelming majority of suicidal clients.
Thanks again for your thoughts - would love to hear any further feedback!
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I was perhaps being slightly hyperbolic, in that there are situations where command hallucinations can take over, or where a person believes suicide is the answer to some non-existent problem they believe they have to solve. Yet even in such situations, it is possible to understand the motivations of the person, to either end the voices or solve the "problem" they think is so threatening.
That said, I've talked to probably a couple of hundred suicidal people in my career, and coached volunteers or other counselors through hundreds more, and validating their fears and their hopelessness has almost always been the route to a healing discussion. And labeling the person as abnormal and invalidating their experiences, even delusional ones, has been uniformly unsuccessful in bringing about any kind of change. I'll admit, there have been a few over the years I've been unable to connect with, but percentagewise, my record speaks for itself.
So yes, it's not 100% normal, but even when it's not, I've found good listening and normalization of emotional reactions to difficult circumstances, whether real or imagined, to be the best approach to the overwhelming majority of suicidal clients.
Thanks again for your thoughts - would love to hear any further feedback!
2
We ought to explore further the brain and gut connection. How our micro biome affects our brain. Can we tweak our individual micro biomes to maximize our brain functioning? Perhaps the ancients were onto something. In an ancient Ayurvedic system, the physician examines individual pulse and is able to determine at that time what the individual is missing in terms of diets nutrients and according he or she prescribes foods to avoid or foods to encourage. There are no blood tests or fancy gadgets involved. And no side effects from tailoring an individual's diet to ones own specific need.
Unfortunately the British thought Ayurvedic medicine was primitive and they banned the practice. The practitioners survived by going underground and keeping the system alive. The Chinese did not have to undergo such bans. Today folks like Dr Andrew Weiss study these systems.
Unfortunately the British thought Ayurvedic medicine was primitive and they banned the practice. The practitioners survived by going underground and keeping the system alive. The Chinese did not have to undergo such bans. Today folks like Dr Andrew Weiss study these systems.
3
I often think of Seymour Philip Hoffman who had left a message to a friend asking for his company before he apparently overdosed. I loved this actor's portrayals and had no idea he was so vulnerable. In this case, I can only imagine an if only his friend had heard the message. I am glad you are giving so much to others and are well.
6
Thank you for your honesty.You will continue to help many patients.Wishing you peaceful thoughts, and hope.
8
I was absolutely totally private about my depression and bi-polar and the drugs I was on for many years. But then I started telling people about it - only that I had it, no gory details - and the relief was amazing. It's still only a handful of people who know; I don't wear it on my sleeve. But I would recommend sharing some information about one's condition with a very trusted friend or family member. But the stigma is very real, so I understand that someone wouldn't want to take the risk of telling others.
Suicidal thoughts or intentions are somewhat different. I only confided that to my therapist. It seemed that telling anyone else would put them in an extremely awkward position, giving them rather dire information that they couldn't really act upon, while still wanting to be of help. The standard advice of "if you know someone contemplating suicide, contact (whatever service or hotline) immediately" can be just the wrong thing to do.
Suicidal thoughts or intentions are somewhat different. I only confided that to my therapist. It seemed that telling anyone else would put them in an extremely awkward position, giving them rather dire information that they couldn't really act upon, while still wanting to be of help. The standard advice of "if you know someone contemplating suicide, contact (whatever service or hotline) immediately" can be just the wrong thing to do.
4
Stevenz,
I agree about the value of telling someone. To be known and seen, and still accepted, is liberating. Sadly, though, some people get rejected when others come to truly know and see them, which causes the walls to go even higher.
As for your other point, it is often hard for lay people to know how to respond to someone who is suicidal. (It's hard for many mental health professionals, too, but that's a different story.) I hate the idea that professionals are the only ones to tell, because feeling connected with friends and family can itself lessen a person's suicide risk. My hope is that friends and family can respond by listening to a suicidal loved one with empathy, curiosity, and compassion, and without guilt trips, anger, or denial.
I agree about the value of telling someone. To be known and seen, and still accepted, is liberating. Sadly, though, some people get rejected when others come to truly know and see them, which causes the walls to go even higher.
As for your other point, it is often hard for lay people to know how to respond to someone who is suicidal. (It's hard for many mental health professionals, too, but that's a different story.) I hate the idea that professionals are the only ones to tell, because feeling connected with friends and family can itself lessen a person's suicide risk. My hope is that friends and family can respond by listening to a suicidal loved one with empathy, curiosity, and compassion, and without guilt trips, anger, or denial.
7
Someday robots with AI will be our mental health practitioners. Most individuals that work in mental health either had a stricken family member or themselves are ill. Many of them change for the worse, being constantly exposed to mentally ill patients is extremely difficult. Someday health care will be a civil right and mental health care will be unstigmitized, but not before the extinction of many more life forms on our blue planet. A few less humans is the least of our worries.
As a Mental Health professional myself, dealing with self-care and juggling work I had to take time to figure things out. Which I am doing now because, how can I bury myself in others lives and do so well yet feel depleated mentally and physically? I applaud you for pushing through the darkest hour and now sharing your story! I look forward to one day telling my story and do wonders in the world! I love my profession and people and I need to learn and practice what I preach!
5
Sue,
Yours is the other side of the story that also needs to be acknowledged. The experiences of mental health professionals with trauma, depression, and other mental health challenges can enrich their work, but those same experiences can do harm to clients if professionals do not take good care of themselves, monitor their blind spots and boundaries, and bring a healthy perspective to the room. It's great that you recognized the need to take care of yourself. Your insight will help both you and your future clients.
Yours is the other side of the story that also needs to be acknowledged. The experiences of mental health professionals with trauma, depression, and other mental health challenges can enrich their work, but those same experiences can do harm to clients if professionals do not take good care of themselves, monitor their blind spots and boundaries, and bring a healthy perspective to the room. It's great that you recognized the need to take care of yourself. Your insight will help both you and your future clients.
6
Hello Sue!
You sound like you're on the right track but my story, which I just spilled into a journal entry entrants me to ask you to try to tell your story sooner. It may help you find more meaning in the work and keep you going, at your career and in life! Best wishes!
You sound like you're on the right track but my story, which I just spilled into a journal entry entrants me to ask you to try to tell your story sooner. It may help you find more meaning in the work and keep you going, at your career and in life! Best wishes!
1
I got as far as leaning out the window, almost far enough to let gravity take its course. I feel extremely lucky that I pulled back. In my case, I knew even as I was leaning toward what might have been a point of no return, I was realizing that I wanted to avoid the excruciatingly painful emotional situation that had driven me to want to kill myself. I then reminded myself of pleasures I'd never experience again if I died: music, sunsets, chocolate, red wine, sex. I pulled back.
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
5
I'm sorry things got so bad for you, and I sure am glad you pulled back. Thanks for sharing.
4
Roses, pineapple, Cap'n Crunch.
4
Every time one of us who lives with a DSM-V diagnosis or two, or three discloses what's going on inside our heads, we give someone else the encouragement to seek help.
Your article helped people. You probably will never know how many, but you helped people.
Your article helped people. You probably will never know how many, but you helped people.
19
That's a great way to put it - sharing our own struggles frees others to acknowledge and seek help for their own. Thank you.
4
Type your comment hereThe DSM is a catalog of billing codes. ALL of the so-called "diagnoses" in it are bogus, and they were all INVENTED, not discovered. They serve as excuses to write prescriptions for neuro-toxic drugs, and to bill insurance and Medicare. So-called "stigma" is an imaginary artifact, and is no more "real" than presents from Santa Claus. Psychiatry is a pseudoscience, a drug racket, and a means of social control. It's 21st Century Phrenology, with drugs.
Bill Bradford: It is unfortunate that you have never seen or experienced the power of psychiatry to save a lives in the 21st (or 20th) century. Many people do not accept psychiatry for religious reasons or stigma, etc. To me, fear of psychiatry is as sad as refusal of insulin for a diabetic, or railing against medicine for epilepsy. (Oddly enough, some of the anticonvulsants can work for a person with bipolar disorder). I hope that the fear and hatred of psychiatry will be rendered as outlier,...To whom do we turn when someone is in the throes of a psychotic break with reality? Modern day medicine. Lockups? The days if Bedlam are over. Anti psychiatry is dying if not dead in many cultures and many different swathes of our society today. Psychiatry saves lives....
6
What an important conversation this is.
The phoenix of compassion and empathy rises from the embers of pain and suffering.
Thank you for your testimonial. You should be proud, not ashamed.
The phoenix of compassion and empathy rises from the embers of pain and suffering.
Thank you for your testimonial. You should be proud, not ashamed.
9
I guess the body wants to live more than the mind wants to die. It makes sense in a way. I tried to kill myself at one point with drugs. I took what the psychiatrist had told me would be a fatal dose. I checked and it was supposed to be. I woke up the next morning, unsteady, with lousy motor coordination, feeling like my synapses weren't firing correctly and went to work. The difference was that no one noticed or, if they did, didn't care enough to say anything.
The problem with being suicidal is that people, even friends, don't want to help or be there. Go see a therapist they say. What do you expect from us? Sometimes nothing but friendship. Being depressed and suicidal is not a good place to be. But in America, we don't do very well with mental illness or distress. We tell people to get over themselves. We threaten to hospitalize them or sometimes we walk away from them leaving them feeling even worse. What used to make a difference, community, friendship, caring, isn't as common as it once was. We communicate more easily with people halfway across the continent than we do with our own neighbors or family. Add to it the fact that we're all expected to be "on" all the time and you have the recipe for extreme depression and loneliness. When we can't be ourselves or we don't feel acceptable for long periods of time suicide does become an answer.
The problem with being suicidal is that people, even friends, don't want to help or be there. Go see a therapist they say. What do you expect from us? Sometimes nothing but friendship. Being depressed and suicidal is not a good place to be. But in America, we don't do very well with mental illness or distress. We tell people to get over themselves. We threaten to hospitalize them or sometimes we walk away from them leaving them feeling even worse. What used to make a difference, community, friendship, caring, isn't as common as it once was. We communicate more easily with people halfway across the continent than we do with our own neighbors or family. Add to it the fact that we're all expected to be "on" all the time and you have the recipe for extreme depression and loneliness. When we can't be ourselves or we don't feel acceptable for long periods of time suicide does become an answer.
20
Hen3ry,
I'm very sorry that you made a suicide attempt and then nobody acknowledged that you were unsteady, etc. That's a very painful and lonely place to have been, or to be still. Even though it sounds like some people have let you down, I hope you will continue to reach out to others. And I hope some will reach out to you.
I'm very sorry that you made a suicide attempt and then nobody acknowledged that you were unsteady, etc. That's a very painful and lonely place to have been, or to be still. Even though it sounds like some people have let you down, I hope you will continue to reach out to others. And I hope some will reach out to you.
12
I have been in your shoes and have loved ones who will never get what made me try to end my life the way I would like them to understand! In the big picture, that's too hard a task for all of us but leaves me sad!
I still am in terms of the struggle to fit and be myself and be either seen as disturbed or disturbing!
But occasionally, there are those few who I can be with and feel touched with their special something!
Wishing you those better moments hen3ry!
I still am in terms of the struggle to fit and be myself and be either seen as disturbed or disturbing!
But occasionally, there are those few who I can be with and feel touched with their special something!
Wishing you those better moments hen3ry!
5
So, the reason to live is giving other people a reason to live who then go on to encourage other people to encourage other people...
Does this Ponzi have a best-before date? #theemperor'sreallyoldclothes.
Does this Ponzi have a best-before date? #theemperor'sreallyoldclothes.
5
In the scheme of things, that's a much better reason to live than buying more electronic stuff, and watching Netflix all day.
6
I'm a budding mental health professional in progress and despite my heroes like dr Jameson, it still frightening to me as someone with ptsd, bipolar l and definite suicidality in my hx. You're candid exposure gives me much hope. I wish more therapists worked through disclosure as I know it's a finicky issue. It's powerful that you work against suicide so active yet it's not like you could easily apply it to yourself. People who haven't been there are clueless and people attacking you before.... well, people on the internet are hypocritical cowards hiding behind their screens looking for someone to pounce on! Thank you so so very much for opening up about this. I plan to five this to my therapist.
14
Wishing you success and a long rewarding career and life!
1
Stacey, I'm glad you didn't make it - killing yourself, that is.
Everything is a two edged sword. The best therapists tend to have personal experience - and come through the other side. And there is not necessarily a live-happily-ever-after. Relapse is not unheard of. So I hope you are a maintenance program going on.
The psyche is strange beast. Knowledgeable in the subject matter matters little. A lot of times, patients know all the tricks in the book. Why, had the intellect alone been able to fix the psyche, David Foster Wallace would have still been alive!
Honesty and humility are powerful weapon against the darkness. A friend of mine also tried asphyxiation. He abandoned the attempt when he saw his cat. His depression was driven by alcohol abuse. So he checked himself into rehab. He has been sober and doing his AA for the past 29 years. Shortly before his attempt, he got wind of the fact that I was a hotline volunteer - about which I rarely disclosed to insure of my anonymity with the callers - and he told me he felt guilty attempting it without talking to me. Perhaps it was a fortuitous moment in time.
Of course, when someone is determine to commit suicide, one may pick a method of finality. However, as you may know, suicidal impulse spikes and recedes. Depriving a lethal means like guns in the house is part of suicide prevention. After all, asphyxiation or wrist cutting can be remedied but there is little one can do once the bullet passing through the barrel
Everything is a two edged sword. The best therapists tend to have personal experience - and come through the other side. And there is not necessarily a live-happily-ever-after. Relapse is not unheard of. So I hope you are a maintenance program going on.
The psyche is strange beast. Knowledgeable in the subject matter matters little. A lot of times, patients know all the tricks in the book. Why, had the intellect alone been able to fix the psyche, David Foster Wallace would have still been alive!
Honesty and humility are powerful weapon against the darkness. A friend of mine also tried asphyxiation. He abandoned the attempt when he saw his cat. His depression was driven by alcohol abuse. So he checked himself into rehab. He has been sober and doing his AA for the past 29 years. Shortly before his attempt, he got wind of the fact that I was a hotline volunteer - about which I rarely disclosed to insure of my anonymity with the callers - and he told me he felt guilty attempting it without talking to me. Perhaps it was a fortuitous moment in time.
Of course, when someone is determine to commit suicide, one may pick a method of finality. However, as you may know, suicidal impulse spikes and recedes. Depriving a lethal means like guns in the house is part of suicide prevention. After all, asphyxiation or wrist cutting can be remedied but there is little one can do once the bullet passing through the barrel
6
As a holistic psychotherapist for over 40 years, I have always been a big advocate of self-disclosure.
When I was trained in the '70s, and for most of the years since then, self-disclosure of the therapist's own struggles was seen as untherapeutic, even unethical. In many circles it still is.
I believe sharing honestly and openly, without making the session about the therapist, sets the stage for honesty and openness in the patient.
Similarly, when we all own our issues they become part of being human. The first step to de-pathologizing them. This takes away a lot of the shame that keeps people sufffering in isolation, while increasing the compassion we can have for ourselves and others.
If this approach speaks to you please check out holistic divorce counseling. It offers 100% free support, resources, and comfort for all life's issues and transitions, not just the cosmic hazing of divorce.
When I was trained in the '70s, and for most of the years since then, self-disclosure of the therapist's own struggles was seen as untherapeutic, even unethical. In many circles it still is.
I believe sharing honestly and openly, without making the session about the therapist, sets the stage for honesty and openness in the patient.
Similarly, when we all own our issues they become part of being human. The first step to de-pathologizing them. This takes away a lot of the shame that keeps people sufffering in isolation, while increasing the compassion we can have for ourselves and others.
If this approach speaks to you please check out holistic divorce counseling. It offers 100% free support, resources, and comfort for all life's issues and transitions, not just the cosmic hazing of divorce.
8
Here in this affluent town northeast of Boston, we don't know anyone who hasn't been touched by suicide. Every year parents organize walks for suicide awareness, school counselors stay on guard and vigilant at any sign the students might exhibit (pressed by social or competitive pressures). We had a visit from a Tibetan monk who had escaped from Tibet to Nepal then India, at a young age, with just the clothes on his back. He had an arduous journey and even after reaching safety, he struggled for food and shelter. He was both baffled and amazed that people in these town had all material comforts, plenty of food clothing shelter heat warmth. But still there was unhappiness and at times depression. Was it a chemical thing, what was missing he would ask. And then he understood what Buddha had always spoken about, the very nature of human beings is discontentment, unease and dissatisfaction. Even amidst abundance. And more so despite it. People in Bhutan are supposed to be among the happiest in this planet, simple lives, uncomplicated lives, good genes.
13
It's always wonderful to see bravery.
The purpose of life is to continue.
The purpose of life is to continue.
11
Dr. Freedenthal, I am grateful for your willingness to be candid and vulnerable about your struggle. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts are difficult subjects to discuss on their own, let alone open up to a friend or loved one about our personal crises. Your example has given me a fresh resolve to show tenderness and compassion to the medical professionals who are guiding me through a dark, numbing time in my life. Thank you!
12
This stuff bears saying. There's a sort of authentication that needs to take place, whereby one person establishes their bona fides to another. It's difficult to take someone seriously, even with a degree, because of the deeply emotional (and visceral) nature of the matter.
4
It's hard because everything in this country is tied to money. We get therapy only if we can afford it. We get the medication we need only if we have the money to cover the costs. But people who are severely depressed or suffering from other mental illnesses are not always working, not always covered by insurance or Medicaid, and often overlooked because the assumption is that they could work if they had the mental toughness to ignore their problems.
It's as if the availability of mental health professionals frees people from feeling that friendship does encompass more than just going out for dinner, a movie, or texting.
It's as if the availability of mental health professionals frees people from feeling that friendship does encompass more than just going out for dinner, a movie, or texting.
5
Thank you for writing this. All of us need to learn as much as we can about suicide. I've known several people who lost loved ones to suicide -- a parent, children.
I spent a period of some months, many years ago, trying to work up to committing suicide -- making attempts and pulling back at the last moment. Contemplating suicide gave me a feeling of choice, of control, which was sadly lacking in my life. Each time, I pulled back because I was a coward, and it is only due to this cowardice that I still have my life. I was in a very dangerous state -- writing the notes, trying with a knife (too hard), then bridges. The walk, the distance, took too long and I always calmed down by the time I got there. Other times I had that terrible impulse, fast and firm, that I know would have carried me over, but I wasn't near anything that could do it. I got really lucky in that. I also live somewhere where guns are very difficult to get -- and it's a little harder to do the deed without a bullet.
At the time I didn't feel depressed, as I understand depression. I wasn't laying in bed all day. I was in a difficult situation that I was powerless to change. Where my perception was wrong, was I didn't give myself any credit for the things I was doing; I didn't feel the good within me. Eventually I talked to a therapist and it really helped.
To anyone contemplating suicide, I want you to know that I'm so, so glad that I didn't do it. You are worth it; please stay.
I spent a period of some months, many years ago, trying to work up to committing suicide -- making attempts and pulling back at the last moment. Contemplating suicide gave me a feeling of choice, of control, which was sadly lacking in my life. Each time, I pulled back because I was a coward, and it is only due to this cowardice that I still have my life. I was in a very dangerous state -- writing the notes, trying with a knife (too hard), then bridges. The walk, the distance, took too long and I always calmed down by the time I got there. Other times I had that terrible impulse, fast and firm, that I know would have carried me over, but I wasn't near anything that could do it. I got really lucky in that. I also live somewhere where guns are very difficult to get -- and it's a little harder to do the deed without a bullet.
At the time I didn't feel depressed, as I understand depression. I wasn't laying in bed all day. I was in a difficult situation that I was powerless to change. Where my perception was wrong, was I didn't give myself any credit for the things I was doing; I didn't feel the good within me. Eventually I talked to a therapist and it really helped.
To anyone contemplating suicide, I want you to know that I'm so, so glad that I didn't do it. You are worth it; please stay.
18
Thank you so much for writing this Dr. Freedenthal. As a psychiatrist in training who has dealt with my own severe depression and anxiety, I really appreciated your bravery and willingness to share your story. I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone but it gives me hope that you were able to use your struggle to help others. I'm still trying to get back on my feet so I haven't quite reached that point yet but many people have told me that the experience will give me a valuable perspective with future patients. I hope thats true. The unfortunate part is that I'm still struggling with my own shame. Its terrible how so many of us, including those in the medical/mental health fields, have so much trouble accepting our own mental health struggles as valid and not something to be ashamed of. I'll remember your story in the future and I suspect I'm not the only resident/trainee who really identified with what you said. Thank you!
26
Thank you so much for your comment, Alex. It's heartbreaking to hear that you've been through something similar, but it's also gratifying to hear that the essay touched you in a hopeful way.
I do think that having a mental illness can enrich and deepen your work with others who struggle. It's a very complex issue. It's not that people who haven't experienced mental illness can't also be helpful and effective. And it's not that experiencing mental illness makes one helpful and effective. But living with a mental illness can sometimes provide a level of understanding, empathy, and nonjudgmentalism that might not otherwise be present.
As for your shame, it's so sad that this shame stalks people who have mental health challenges. You don't say above if you've had suicidal thoughts, but perhaps my blog post about shame and suicidality will convey to your experience as well. You can find it at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/13/shame-stigma-and-suicidality/
I hope that you are able to find peace and healing in the months and years to come.
I do think that having a mental illness can enrich and deepen your work with others who struggle. It's a very complex issue. It's not that people who haven't experienced mental illness can't also be helpful and effective. And it's not that experiencing mental illness makes one helpful and effective. But living with a mental illness can sometimes provide a level of understanding, empathy, and nonjudgmentalism that might not otherwise be present.
As for your shame, it's so sad that this shame stalks people who have mental health challenges. You don't say above if you've had suicidal thoughts, but perhaps my blog post about shame and suicidality will convey to your experience as well. You can find it at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/06/13/shame-stigma-and-suicidality/
I hope that you are able to find peace and healing in the months and years to come.
8
Type your comment hereGreat. The LAST thing we need is more psychiatrists. Psychiatry is a pseudoscience, a drug racket, and a means of social control. It's 21st Century Phrenology, with neuro-toxins. The DSM is a catalog of billing codes. ALL of the so-called "diagnoses" in it were invented to serve as excuses to sell drugs, and bill insurance and Medicare. So-called "mental illnesses" are exactly as "real" as presents from Santa Claus, but not more real. Please visit >madinamerica.com<, for a truth injection.
I want to thank Ms. Freedenthal for sharing her experience. I believe this is vitally important.
I've known 3 people who committed suicide. In only 1 case did I know that the person struggled with depression, doubt and guilt throughout his life. Another. like the author, was a psychotherapist who had struggled and sought treatment throughout her life. I was shocked and heartbroken in each case and remain saddened to this day.
I also worked for 12 years as a therapist in a psychiatric hospital with many people who were involuntarily committed for treatment of various kinds of illness. While I agree that it can be traumatic it is not a process that is conducted without compassion (at least where I worked) and the financial issues were addressed by the institution to the extent possible with public assistance programs.
I've known 3 people who committed suicide. In only 1 case did I know that the person struggled with depression, doubt and guilt throughout his life. Another. like the author, was a psychotherapist who had struggled and sought treatment throughout her life. I was shocked and heartbroken in each case and remain saddened to this day.
I also worked for 12 years as a therapist in a psychiatric hospital with many people who were involuntarily committed for treatment of various kinds of illness. While I agree that it can be traumatic it is not a process that is conducted without compassion (at least where I worked) and the financial issues were addressed by the institution to the extent possible with public assistance programs.
8
Daniel--I am someone who was committed to psychiatric hospitals numerous times in the past, so I can honestly say that, for me, there was no compassion present in these places, either emotionally, physically (much abuse goes on that people on the outside--even the doctors--don't see), or especially financially.
I had to declare personal bankruptcy--and I had the best insurance, early on. Later, the hospitals hounded me for money, sent collection agencies after me, even though I was barely working at minimum wage (no one wanted to hire me due to gaps in my resume because of hospitalizations and mental health "care). Even the public assistance programs could not help me. To say that it added undue stress for me would be a complete understatement.
One of the major hospitals where I spent years off and on institutionalized went bankrupt itself because the owner committed Medicare fraud and then skipped town. The one bright spot was that several nurses blew the whistle on him. In another one, a patient sued--and won--multi-millions because they were threatened (with a gun), held captive, told they had been "cannibals" in their previous life, etc--by the therapist who was treating them It was a huge scandal for both of these major hospitals.
The naivety of the general public regarding these places would be laughable, if it wasn't so tragic for the patients.
I had to declare personal bankruptcy--and I had the best insurance, early on. Later, the hospitals hounded me for money, sent collection agencies after me, even though I was barely working at minimum wage (no one wanted to hire me due to gaps in my resume because of hospitalizations and mental health "care). Even the public assistance programs could not help me. To say that it added undue stress for me would be a complete understatement.
One of the major hospitals where I spent years off and on institutionalized went bankrupt itself because the owner committed Medicare fraud and then skipped town. The one bright spot was that several nurses blew the whistle on him. In another one, a patient sued--and won--multi-millions because they were threatened (with a gun), held captive, told they had been "cannibals" in their previous life, etc--by the therapist who was treating them It was a huge scandal for both of these major hospitals.
The naivety of the general public regarding these places would be laughable, if it wasn't so tragic for the patients.
3
Thank you, Daniel, for sharing your feedback. I'm sorry for your losses of friends to suicide. So many people's suicides come as a surprise to those who knew and loved them. Shame, stigma, and fear at least partly account for many suicidal people's silence. A few weeks ago, a university professor, Will H. Brown, died by suicide. He posted his suicide note on his blog, and in it he said he learned long ago that suicide was taboo, not something to be discussed unless you were explicitly condemning it. It is my great hope that this taboo will lift, freeing suicidal people to tell others of their thoughts and feelings in the ways that I myself wasn't able to do for so many years.
11
Stacey, I would very much appreciate a reference for your story about the university professor and his suicide note. Can you post a link?
Thank you thank you thank you thank you for sharing your story.
10
I want too thank you for taking your time and haring your story, and your personal feelings and what had happened to you. that is a scary thing to do and i know because i have friends who have told me that about their friend! thank you!!
4
Thank you, Ms. Freedenthal, for sharing your secret story.
5
Thank you Thank you Thank you for being brave enough to tell us your story. Don't let anybody stop you. Today is the funeral for the son of a colleague. He was 19 years old. Now he's gone. His family is shattered.
12
Thank you for this courageous article. Many physicians, psychiatrists included, suffer tremendously and hide it from their patients, colleagues, even families. I believe that it is important for us to share our personal struggles, because knowing that others may be experiencing similar challenges is often itself life-saving. Additionally, witnessing that others were able to resume productive lives after a suicide attempt may give much hope to those who are recovering from a recent attempt.
9
Type your comment hereThey "hide" because they know that to disclose is to risk personal ruin. That's also why most people fail to disclose. Psychiatry has done, and continues to do, far more harm than good....
Thank you so much for writing this. My husband's closest friend committed suicide nearly a year ago, and my husband misses him terribly; I believe the impending anniversary of the date of his friend's death is weighing on him tremendously. I am certain my husband did not know the depth of his friend's pain, and had no inkling of what he planned to do, and when. His friend also chose asphyxiation, and the circumstances were such that it was clear he had planned this for some time. There are many other points in your story that are strikingly similar to my husband's friend.
HIs friend was somewhat open about his depression, but not the degree of it, and was highly functioning; I know my husband and others in his friend's life would have moved heaven and earth to help him in any way had they known. I think my husband's friend was embarrassed somehow and afraid to share his pain even to those he knew loved him . Your story helped me understand the duality of how one can be so highly enmeshed in the world and love, and yet suicidal. thank you.
HIs friend was somewhat open about his depression, but not the degree of it, and was highly functioning; I know my husband and others in his friend's life would have moved heaven and earth to help him in any way had they known. I think my husband's friend was embarrassed somehow and afraid to share his pain even to those he knew loved him . Your story helped me understand the duality of how one can be so highly enmeshed in the world and love, and yet suicidal. thank you.
31
As an 'always cheerful' hypomanic physician, I experienced a year long depression in my late 40s. Emerging, I found that I was a far better, empathetic and understanding doc. It made me grateful for the experience and allowed me to mentor patients as an addendum to providing regular care.
15
Your article helped me, thank you. I'm a writer who runs therapeutic writing groups in dual diagnosis facilities. I have my own history of depression and anxiety, but not suicide. I'm learning about it and your explanation really deepened my understanding.
I also invite you to read some of my adolescent students' extraordinary writing.
www.wordupkids.com/the-cliff-teen-depression
I also invite you to read some of my adolescent students' extraordinary writing.
www.wordupkids.com/the-cliff-teen-depression
8
Good article.
4
I just want to assure anyone considering suicide that a person never stops feeling pain caused by the deliberate death of a loved one. I write this from personal experience of a parent's suicide decades ago. Don't fool yourself into believing that your family and close friends will just suffer for a while and then move on. Suicide is not a victimless act.
30
You've missed an important point. Someone who is contemplating suicide isn't minimizing the impact the act will have on others. The person just wants the pain to stop, and they honestly believe that it will be better for all involved if they are dead. The intention is not to inflict pain on others. It is only to make their individual suffering stop.
24
I do understand and sympathize with the mental pain that seems unbearable. I still would hope that being aware that a suicidal death will cause terrible, lasting suffering for others might deter the suicide. Rationalizing this won't happen does not make it true.
4
And that is the only reason I stay alive, for my loved ones.
4
Bless you Ms Freedenthal!
4
Great article. I believe that her personal issues with depression DO help her help others, even though circumstances may differ. My therapist always told me, too (as with Susan's remark) that the greatest form of child abuse was taking your own life, and leaving your children with the repercussions. Whether or not that is actually true in every case didn't matter: IT WORKED. It is the only thing that prevented me from letting my dark forces snuff out my life.....
5
What happened remains hidden in the abstraction used to explain your recovery. . I realized, is a mental abstraction. To reach more people, explain the reaction to real suffering not its consequences. You never got the to light, going to the light that is the last kind experience of person who will die shortly as the body can no longer breathe. .
3
THIS. Yes. You are not alone in this secret and struggle with bearing it parellelled with the success of helping others. Thank you for the courage to write this. You captured it so very well. Best of luck in the rest of life! Keep on surviving and thriving!
7
Thank you for this piece, Stacey. You have no idea how many of us in the helping professions can identify with you. Those clients of yours are very lucky.
9
Unfortunately our culture tends to think of "suicide" as a crime, a sin, or something that would only be done by a "crazy" person. Actually, one of the most profound thinkers of our ancient cultures was Socrates, who drank the hemlock after deciding that he didn't want to leave Athens. He was 72 at that time. There are many 72 year-old and older folks who would just love to be able to go to the local Drug Store, buy a bottle of hemlock, and end all their troubles. Instead we have this irrational mind set against personal suicide that keeps us from accepting the fact that many of us would rather not be here any longer.
10
Form what little we know about it, it seems that Socrates did what he did out of respect for the laws of Athens. He had been sentenced to death for supposedly corrupting the city's youth. I know of no particular evidence that he was suicidal because of old age or for any other reason.
7
Thank you for writing this.
7
Cycling the same thoughts over and over leads to anxiety about both the thought and the lack of ability to control it. The greatest gift to mental health would be to teach people how to get out of mental ruts well before they use suicide as a tool to reconnect with the parts of them that are not cycling.
11
This is a beautifully written, courageous article. However, as a psychotherapist, the author undoubtedly knows that depression can be difficult to treat. "Counseling" isn't magic. For some, meds have nothing more than a placebo effect. In many cities the top therapists simply won't take insurance even if you know who they are. Psychotherapist Paula J. Caplan has written about the negative consequences of simply being assigned a diagnosis and the many instances of flawed diagnosis. Susan Jacoby, in Never Say Die, has pointed out that a realistic lack of hope among the elderly can be misdiagnosed and cruelly treated as depression.
Freedenthal does provide insight into hitting bottom and turning one's life around. She's a brilliant, honest writer and hopefully she'll go on to write more.
Freedenthal does provide insight into hitting bottom and turning one's life around. She's a brilliant, honest writer and hopefully she'll go on to write more.
15
Catharine,
Thank you for your kind words. And you are, of course, correct - depression can be difficult to treat and intractable for some. At the same time, evidence continues to accumulate that therapy and medication, though helpful for many, are not the only tools with which to fight depression. ECT - electroconvulsive therapy - is another tool, but not without significant consequences or controversy. More mundane tools include physical exercise, light therapy, mindfulness meditation, gratitude exercises, self-help books, vitamin D supplements, omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids supplements, and even probiotics. Each of these tools, which are free or very inexpensive, can help fight depression, according to research studies.
Thank you for your kind words. And you are, of course, correct - depression can be difficult to treat and intractable for some. At the same time, evidence continues to accumulate that therapy and medication, though helpful for many, are not the only tools with which to fight depression. ECT - electroconvulsive therapy - is another tool, but not without significant consequences or controversy. More mundane tools include physical exercise, light therapy, mindfulness meditation, gratitude exercises, self-help books, vitamin D supplements, omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids supplements, and even probiotics. Each of these tools, which are free or very inexpensive, can help fight depression, according to research studies.
4
Thank you so much for sharing. So much of your story is identical to my own, including being a therapist with no conversation or acknowledgement in my training about the common experience of depression and suicidality in those who hope to help others. I now, 10 years later and in a director's position, see how common it is for people to enter this field unconsciously to find a purpose to live and be helpful to or needed by others. I wish therapy training programs would set an example on ending the stigma by acknowledging this and creating a safe place for healing students.
19
Thank you so much for sharing this moving, insightful, and beautifully-written piece. As an aspiring clinician with my own complex mental health history, I know, or at least hope, that my lived experience informs my work in powerful ways, and it saddens me that stigma still often prevents me and others from being honest about that lived experience with our colleagues. Hearing a story like yours inspires me to believe that we can continue to work for greater authenticity within our field, even as we seek to help others.
9
Your description of depression's associated conditions (anxiety, rumination and insomnia) charging forward like calvary is a fantastically accurate picture.
It seems relentless and is so hard to weather but I'm glad you've found ways to understand, cope and escape those crushing conditions.
Survivors of difficult personal trauma make wonderful counselors because they've gazed into the black abyss and are here to tell how to conquer the abyss gazing back.
"I'm still here."
The expression I've offered others callous intent - "Every day you wake up is a great day. What comes after is details."
It seems relentless and is so hard to weather but I'm glad you've found ways to understand, cope and escape those crushing conditions.
Survivors of difficult personal trauma make wonderful counselors because they've gazed into the black abyss and are here to tell how to conquer the abyss gazing back.
"I'm still here."
The expression I've offered others callous intent - "Every day you wake up is a great day. What comes after is details."
10
I have the deepest respect for Stacey. She and I are "suicidologists" (yes, that's a real word). Stacey has written highly influential journal articles about suicide prevention programs and the state of suicide prevention education. She teaches at one of the best schools of social work in the country and her blog "Speaking of Suicide" is one of our field's go to resources for information about suicide. I met Stacey before we were all these things. We were students together at UT-Austin's School of Social Work. I didn't know her well - we were separated by a year, but as she wrote in this article, she kept it hidden. I had no idea. Even though we're professional colleagues, I found out about her struggles today, just like you. There is so much discrimination of people with lived experience, coming forward is highly risky and essential in our fight against the 10th leading cause of death in the USA. Thank you Stacey, for once again being a leader in our field.
37
Jonathan,
How wonderful to see your comment here. Thank you for your supportive words. I'm grateful that you and so many other suicidologists recognize the value of coming forward about lived experience, while also appreciating the risks. Again, thank you!
How wonderful to see your comment here. Thank you for your supportive words. I'm grateful that you and so many other suicidologists recognize the value of coming forward about lived experience, while also appreciating the risks. Again, thank you!
7
Depression, even suicidal depression, has many faces, some of which may only be apparent to the sufferer, who almost always feels alone. Recovery requires reaching out and allowing support.
14
Had this person been poor, uninsured, or just unfamiliar with the mental health industry, and had made the call to a hospital or doctor after a suicide attempt, she would not have just received a prescription and went on her merry way; she would have been forcibly detained in a psychiatric facility for days. After her release, she would have been saddled with thousands of dollars in medical bills, and still would have faced the unlikely prospect of securing a decent therapist and psychiatrist. This person's story is unique because she had financial and institutional privilege. For the poor, the uninsured, and the uninitiated, institutionalization is much more common and to their detriment.
29
Way to miss the point.
5
Moira - It is extremely disrespectful to disregard someone else's experience with the mental "health" system.
The truth is that this is exactly what happens to someone without the resources and/or wherewithal to deal with an extremely flawed and often cruel system.
My experience with the mental "health" system was financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual bankruptcy. I will continue to share my experiences as long as I live and I will never, ever, be trapped again in that horrendous, awful, system.
Oh, btw, I was never mentally ill to begin with, but I only discovered that by breaking free of the system which nearly killed me.
The truth is that this is exactly what happens to someone without the resources and/or wherewithal to deal with an extremely flawed and often cruel system.
My experience with the mental "health" system was financial, emotional, physical, and spiritual bankruptcy. I will continue to share my experiences as long as I live and I will never, ever, be trapped again in that horrendous, awful, system.
Oh, btw, I was never mentally ill to begin with, but I only discovered that by breaking free of the system which nearly killed me.
CM,
Unfortunately, I know of many therapists and psychiatrists in private practice who, despite treating people with (as you put it) financial and institutional privilege, rush to hospitalize someone who is considering suicide, even in the absence of immediate and serious danger. A great many mental health professionals are so terrified of having a client die by suicide on their watch that they act out of a better-safe-than-sorry mentality. This helps the professional sleep at night but often harms the suicidal person.
I was very fortunate to have a therapist who did not scare easily. She recognized that being hospitalized at that point in my life would have done significant harm. It would have wrested me from my home, pets, and friends, disrupted my studies, and instilled in me an even deeper sense of shame and failure about my mental state due to the prevailing stigma.
One gift of my own experiences is that I recommend hospitalization to my clients only as an absolute last resort. I am aware that voluntary hospitalization may help some people, but the extremely elevated suicide rates in the days and weeks following hospitalization, combined with the well documented trauma of involuntary commitment, demonstrate the need for tremendous caution in hospitalizing a suicidal person.
Unfortunately, I know of many therapists and psychiatrists in private practice who, despite treating people with (as you put it) financial and institutional privilege, rush to hospitalize someone who is considering suicide, even in the absence of immediate and serious danger. A great many mental health professionals are so terrified of having a client die by suicide on their watch that they act out of a better-safe-than-sorry mentality. This helps the professional sleep at night but often harms the suicidal person.
I was very fortunate to have a therapist who did not scare easily. She recognized that being hospitalized at that point in my life would have done significant harm. It would have wrested me from my home, pets, and friends, disrupted my studies, and instilled in me an even deeper sense of shame and failure about my mental state due to the prevailing stigma.
One gift of my own experiences is that I recommend hospitalization to my clients only as an absolute last resort. I am aware that voluntary hospitalization may help some people, but the extremely elevated suicide rates in the days and weeks following hospitalization, combined with the well documented trauma of involuntary commitment, demonstrate the need for tremendous caution in hospitalizing a suicidal person.
8
As far back as high school, I remember for years holding on to the idea that suicide offered a possible escape /relief from, what I now believe, was just angst of a lonely kid, with no real serious problems. Nevertheless, it was always in the back of mind as a "safety valve" which comforted me. In my late 20's, my New Year's Eves written resolutions began to include the "promise" to myself that if things didn't get better in a year, I'd allow myself to give up. In my 30's with three very serious depressions, I'd get to the point of planning when and how I'd do it. Medication each time brought me back to sanity. On Labour Day 2002, I was suddenly much closer to doing it than ever before, but luckily called a sister and admitted that I felt I was in imminent danger of hurting myself. That seemed to be the turning point, and with great help from a good therapist and drugs (which I expect I'll take now for the rest of my life), I truly can't imagine ever feeling that way again - which is a miracle. In the meantime, I lost a very close friend to suicide - someone who hadn't tradionally struggled with depression, but who didn't have the luck to respond to drugs as I did, when it did hit her. Unlike an earlier poster, I believe your experience gives you tremendous empathy and hopefully a non-judgemental stance that I'm sure helps your patients immensely. I appreciate you telling your story and thank you for using your experience to help people who are in such pain.
16
Thank you for sharing your story. I've struggled with suicidal ideation for most of my life and in those dark moments I have to remind myself that this is for now not forever.
13
What an interesting article. Shedding light on a life altering event is certainly therapeutic.
I see suicide as two faces of solution. The first is a response to hopelessness of one kind or another: very valid when there are no answers or solutions available.
The other side is not based on futility but rather on something as simple as having had enough. Period. I’m an 80 year-old widower, in pretty good health, leading a pretty active life. If there is a bottom line, it would be that I am not interested in continuing too much further into my dotage.
Sadly, I can’t go to my doctor and say I’ve had enough without setting off intrusive alarms. The need for acceptable options is critical and there won’t be any offered.
I see suicide as two faces of solution. The first is a response to hopelessness of one kind or another: very valid when there are no answers or solutions available.
The other side is not based on futility but rather on something as simple as having had enough. Period. I’m an 80 year-old widower, in pretty good health, leading a pretty active life. If there is a bottom line, it would be that I am not interested in continuing too much further into my dotage.
Sadly, I can’t go to my doctor and say I’ve had enough without setting off intrusive alarms. The need for acceptable options is critical and there won’t be any offered.
23
beautiful writing about such an ugly subject. as a clinical psychologist who works with a very difficult and challenging population, i have struggled with such feelings of despair on and off my entire life. the depression has been treatment resistant and although i am amazed at how many people i have helped throughout the years, i still am haunted by similar thoughts as you have described. thank you for your honesty...
7
We are all human and really so many humans have felt this terrible despair. If we cease to be afraid of this darkness then we can make huge steps in helping ourselves and others and seeing there there is an end to even the biggest of emotional waves. Thankfully, your story is not over, and thank you for writing this.
6
I've had two friends complete suicide---after many previous attempts for each of them. Therefore, I personally don't understand the "estimated 90 percent" theory (of those who attempt once, but do not go on to die by suicide). That seems off by a certain percentage, imo.
There are some people whose lives are too broken (as was the case of my two friends). They simply cannot live without pain--either emotional and/or physical, usually both.
I do not feel anger toward my two friends who took themselves out of this life, and only hope they are at peace. Although I wish I could still see them, talk to them, I know they could not stand the pain any longer and there was no more hope after countless hospitalizations, pills, therapists, psychiatrists, specialists, you name it. Yes, I completely understand why they decided to end their lives after years of struggle.
Sometimes, there will be nothing that holds a person to this life. Nothing--and no amount of "understanding" will ever be the magic key if a person is simply done with this life. I'm not quite sure why that is so difficult for most people to comprehend.
There are some people whose lives are too broken (as was the case of my two friends). They simply cannot live without pain--either emotional and/or physical, usually both.
I do not feel anger toward my two friends who took themselves out of this life, and only hope they are at peace. Although I wish I could still see them, talk to them, I know they could not stand the pain any longer and there was no more hope after countless hospitalizations, pills, therapists, psychiatrists, specialists, you name it. Yes, I completely understand why they decided to end their lives after years of struggle.
Sometimes, there will be nothing that holds a person to this life. Nothing--and no amount of "understanding" will ever be the magic key if a person is simply done with this life. I'm not quite sure why that is so difficult for most people to comprehend.
7
Norton,
I extend my sympathies to you about the loss of your two friends to suicide. You have witnessed all too well the forces that can lead to suicide.
The 90% figure is empirical; the link in the essay provides further links to several research studies that followed people who survived a suicide attempt over many years to see what percentage ended up dying by suicide. Although I find it very hopeful that most people who survive a suicide attempt do not later take their life, a suicide rate of 10% is still exponentially higher than that of the general population. If someone you love is in one of those who dies, percentages don’t really matter. Again, I'm sorry for your losses.
I extend my sympathies to you about the loss of your two friends to suicide. You have witnessed all too well the forces that can lead to suicide.
The 90% figure is empirical; the link in the essay provides further links to several research studies that followed people who survived a suicide attempt over many years to see what percentage ended up dying by suicide. Although I find it very hopeful that most people who survive a suicide attempt do not later take their life, a suicide rate of 10% is still exponentially higher than that of the general population. If someone you love is in one of those who dies, percentages don’t really matter. Again, I'm sorry for your losses.
4
This was a beautiful article, full of truth and full of understanding of the difference between wanting to commit suicide and simply not wanting to exist anymore. I am happy that you've gone on to help people suffering from this excrutiating pain and in turn, helping yourself. I was interested to read the paragraph on dissociation and the shock of the suicide attempt actually reuniting body and soul. Wonderful, timely, and so important. Thank you.
7
My great-grandmother, Beulah, was interrupted in her first suicide attempt, but used the same method successfully (gas oven) two years later. She had many deaths in her family and was separated from her children after the first attempt. Some problems do not go away.
4
Something that has always helped me, at least as long as I've been a mother, is the conviction that no child ever really survives a parent's suicide, at least not well. Even a child too young to realize what's going on, or an adult child, or one who understands the parent's misery.
9
As the middle-aged child of a suicide, I can attest to the accuracy of your conviction. I can also attest to that conviction's power to deter the act.
6
Beautifully, honestly, bravely written. Thank you.
68
As a psysotherapist I had no dea what I was dealing with until I developed a psychosis from a drug. Areal PHD education!
25
First, o not think that her experience with suicide and depression necessarily adds to her insight and ability to help others. Her experience is unique to her, and not necessarily others. Yes the will to live is strong, probably hard wording our brains, but life and the distortions that depression create can wear down even the most life-loving individual.
I was particularly struck by her comment that 90% of people who make a suicide attempt do not eventually die by their own hand. It is hard to reconcile that with statistic that there are more gun related suicides than homicides using guns, more women are using guns to commit suicide, and more middle aged people are successfully committing suicide. People using guns a very highly successful. We also know that many people try to commit suicide before they actually succeed. Their will to die is greater than their will to live. Finally we know that young people are often highly impulsive suicides and if they do survive, they certainly can benefit from counseling.
People with suicidal thoughts don't need a website, they need one on one interaction with a person who can get through to them that they are important to them and that all hope is not lost. Depression is highly isolating, and suicidal thoughts only get built up and keep compounding. A website is not going to do much for someone in severe pain
I was particularly struck by her comment that 90% of people who make a suicide attempt do not eventually die by their own hand. It is hard to reconcile that with statistic that there are more gun related suicides than homicides using guns, more women are using guns to commit suicide, and more middle aged people are successfully committing suicide. People using guns a very highly successful. We also know that many people try to commit suicide before they actually succeed. Their will to die is greater than their will to live. Finally we know that young people are often highly impulsive suicides and if they do survive, they certainly can benefit from counseling.
People with suicidal thoughts don't need a website, they need one on one interaction with a person who can get through to them that they are important to them and that all hope is not lost. Depression is highly isolating, and suicidal thoughts only get built up and keep compounding. A website is not going to do much for someone in severe pain
10
A lot of people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts will actually go online seeking information and that often leads to help. Discovering that you are not alone can save a life by encouraging you to get help. These websites are very helpful for both the person who is suicidal and for Family or friends who need to know what the warning signs are.
14
I mean no offense by this, but perhaps your experience doesn't necessarily translate to others either. Perhaps for some people a website IS helpful. We are different.
4
First, you need to read more carefully - the statement was an estimated 90 percent who survived a suicidal attempt - NOT 90 percent who attempted (and presumably many succeeded). I agree with your statements that people need someone who can get through to them their importance - one on one....but if a website can make them think that maybe, just maybe, they can find that person, get help, get medication....then it is worth it. It can't be the solution, but maybe it can be a start.
6
Brave, beautiful, and poignant. I am a clinical psychologist, and I thank you both professionally and personally.
57
Good read. I've found that many who go into mental health do so because they themselves struggled. They often make the best therapists because they understand. Never assume someone has had a pain-free life! It's usually the other way around!
55
What I've found through experience is that those who go into mental health are also some of the unhealthiest (emotionally) people you can find. I've had horrendous experiences with psychologists, social workers, and even psychiatrists who did not have their own acts together and proceeded to cause me great pain.
Those who have struggled do not necessarily make the best therapists. Often, they are still working on their own unresolved issues. Understanding does not always equal helpfulness.
Those who have struggled do not necessarily make the best therapists. Often, they are still working on their own unresolved issues. Understanding does not always equal helpfulness.
3
I have never got that close to "it" but have had dark brooding moments of intense worthlessness. Now, years later, with a better sense of self, lots of therapy, seems hard to believe how bleak life looked.
I was also involved at that time in work which brought me in contact with others who had committed suicide working in a busy hospital emergency room. Countless patients who had made attempts serious enough to bring them to ER, and hearing bits of their stories. Occasional encounters with families of those who could not be saved, seeing their pain but also often their accepting the decision. The most chilling was when a wife, or girlfriend, or parent or sister would say something like "He had to do it, I knew he was in too much pain with his life."
I was also involved at that time in work which brought me in contact with others who had committed suicide working in a busy hospital emergency room. Countless patients who had made attempts serious enough to bring them to ER, and hearing bits of their stories. Occasional encounters with families of those who could not be saved, seeing their pain but also often their accepting the decision. The most chilling was when a wife, or girlfriend, or parent or sister would say something like "He had to do it, I knew he was in too much pain with his life."
8
Thank you for writing this honest column. Hope it is read by all those who contemplate suicide as a way to end their pain.
17
It may be a while before people recognize that they’ve traveled very far down a dead-end in life (though sometimes there are indeed signs), and it can take even longer to get back to the main road. Hopefully, there is someone to ask for directions back.
21
You have insight from personal experience and heart ache to help those in your professional life in a truly meaningful way. Your personal ethos will surely guide you and your patients to a better existence. Those personal experiences shaped you have or will be tools for your exceptional progress and help with others. Maybe your past has created a person and a passion to effect change in others yesterday and those you have not even met yet. You have been given a gift of first hand knowledge and it is for you to employ to help others struggling above and beyond your peers. Honestly, I do not see any contradiction in your existence, merely access to empathy on a leve3l others will not be able to communicate. Your former self is not a separate identity, it is a stepping stone to a greater level of knowledge and understanding. In other words, you have been blessed with a gift!
23
Thank you! I agree, my experiences, no matter how dark at times, have also come with gifts, even if it took a long time for the nature and meaning of those gifts to emerge. In fact, I wouldn't want to give those gifts up. As you note so well, past and present experiences (and identities) cannot be disentangled from each other. It's a package deal.
19
Thank you for bravely sharing such a personal story. You've no doubt saved many lives after saving your own.
41
Thank you, Megan!
10
So brave and so necessary to bring these experiences and struggles into the light. Having watched my daughter battle depression and anxiety, I feel there is so much we don't know or understand. Thank you for sharing.
45
Thank you, Brooke. I'm sorry about your daughter's struggles. My hope is that the more we can talk freely about mental illness, the more we will come to know and understand.
21
I think suicide is terribly misunderstood. If I could simply fall asleep and never wake up again, I’d choose that in a heart beat. My life isn’t bad. I have problems but they’re not all that terrible. I simply don’t enjoy living and I don’t think that that’s crazy or even mildly out of whack.
I don’t like life. There I said it. When I look back, even to my early childhood, I can never remember looking forward... to anything. Nothing interests me on any kind of profound level. I find life to be boring and bland at best, extremely tedious and painful at worst. That said, why should I be forced to participate in something that I don’t enjoy or desire? All of life’s pleasures disgust me. I am not depressed. Depression takes a degree of passion. Depression speaks of some level of disappointment. I don’t feel that way. I have in the past, but that’s not what this is. What I feel now is a complete inability to muster up the energy to care to relate.
I simply wish that either the death that awaits me would show up very quickly, or that I be afforded to walk out on this boring movie of a life that nobody would ever... EVER watch. And I’m fine with that. Since I was very young I can remember, clearly, wishing that I could just fall asleep and not have to be bothered to awaken.
Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t like life. There I said it. When I look back, even to my early childhood, I can never remember looking forward... to anything. Nothing interests me on any kind of profound level. I find life to be boring and bland at best, extremely tedious and painful at worst. That said, why should I be forced to participate in something that I don’t enjoy or desire? All of life’s pleasures disgust me. I am not depressed. Depression takes a degree of passion. Depression speaks of some level of disappointment. I don’t feel that way. I have in the past, but that’s not what this is. What I feel now is a complete inability to muster up the energy to care to relate.
I simply wish that either the death that awaits me would show up very quickly, or that I be afforded to walk out on this boring movie of a life that nobody would ever... EVER watch. And I’m fine with that. Since I was very young I can remember, clearly, wishing that I could just fall asleep and not have to be bothered to awaken.
Is that really so much to ask?
32
James,
You describe my experience of life to a T. The lack of emotion can be as hard to live with as other mental maladies. Everyone has their own reasons for the actions they take, and they should be entitled to them without stigma.
You describe my experience of life to a T. The lack of emotion can be as hard to live with as other mental maladies. Everyone has their own reasons for the actions they take, and they should be entitled to them without stigma.
2
I may experience, depression never took "passion." It was just there, like my shadow, whether I liked it or not. I hope you will seek out a therapist and speak with them. Maybe you can find the passion! I certainly hope you do.
13
You are describing depression. One of the worse aspects of chronic depression (too familiar to me) IS the absence of the ability to enjoy life. You cannot even fathom what other people mean when they are happy or joyous. For many of us, the relentless weight of depression does not end with physical death, but an emotional/psychological one.
Please try to get attention for your malaise - there are a lot of options and it may take determination, but it is possible to get to a place where you find parts of life which you like.
Please try to get attention for your malaise - there are a lot of options and it may take determination, but it is possible to get to a place where you find parts of life which you like.
17
Two points:
1. Perhaps someone can explain to me why only when it comes to mental illness should the personal experience of the treating health professional become as important if not more important than competence. I don't know anyone who would be more likely to desire a heart surgeon who had undergone heart surgery or an oncologist who had cancer. One would expect someone who had these might be more empathetic but not more competent.
2. If the therapist who prescribed the antidepressant only had the same training in therapy as the writer, she was breaking the law. I assume she was a psychiatrist and therefore a physician and had very different training and experience in the treatment of mental illness than the writer.
1. Perhaps someone can explain to me why only when it comes to mental illness should the personal experience of the treating health professional become as important if not more important than competence. I don't know anyone who would be more likely to desire a heart surgeon who had undergone heart surgery or an oncologist who had cancer. One would expect someone who had these might be more empathetic but not more competent.
2. If the therapist who prescribed the antidepressant only had the same training in therapy as the writer, she was breaking the law. I assume she was a psychiatrist and therefore a physician and had very different training and experience in the treatment of mental illness than the writer.
4
"My new therapist in Austin, a psychiatrist" ... something unclear about that?
Part of the suffering of many depressed people is the sense that they are isolated, that their suffering is unique and uniquely shameful. If a treatment provider's disclosing their own experience helps overcome that, that is a good thing.
It is also simple-minded to separate "empathy" and "competence." You're a man, Steve, so there's a good chance you've never had to deal with a doctor who didn't take you seriously or treated you as if you were outright faking it. But women and minorities have this problem constantly--e.g., studies have shown that black patients are consistently undertreated for pain in emergency situations, because somehow their doctors on average don't recognize their pain or consider it to require the same treatment they'd give a white patient with the identical diagnosis. A doctor who has cultivated empathy is a lot less likely to dismiss the patient's suffering and therefore more likely to treat her according to the actual standard.
Part of the suffering of many depressed people is the sense that they are isolated, that their suffering is unique and uniquely shameful. If a treatment provider's disclosing their own experience helps overcome that, that is a good thing.
It is also simple-minded to separate "empathy" and "competence." You're a man, Steve, so there's a good chance you've never had to deal with a doctor who didn't take you seriously or treated you as if you were outright faking it. But women and minorities have this problem constantly--e.g., studies have shown that black patients are consistently undertreated for pain in emergency situations, because somehow their doctors on average don't recognize their pain or consider it to require the same treatment they'd give a white patient with the identical diagnosis. A doctor who has cultivated empathy is a lot less likely to dismiss the patient's suffering and therefore more likely to treat her according to the actual standard.
64
Thank you Stacey.
8
Thank you for this brave offering of your own personal experience. It will no doubt help many-
18
If it were not for shame, so many problems could be conquered. I urge therapists to banish shame...their own first.
34
This was so profound and as as a therapist/psychoanalyst in training, I learned something important, this idea of suicide as a form of dissociation. Thank you for this, I will make the effort to learn more As a person, I admire your openness and honesty. You did more good today than I think you will ever know. I will carry what you shared. Best to you.
64
Thank you! This is lovely feedback to receive. I'm grateful that my essay touched you like this, and even taught you something new..
27