I lost my wife, the mother of my two oldest boys, when she was 33. They boys were 6 and 4 years old. My experience is that no matter how you try to keep the children's memories of their father strong, it is impossible. Yet, they will also never forget him just as they will always yearn for him. My advice is to focus more on showing them that it both OK to profoundly miss their dad, and it is natural for some memories to fade, yet at the same time, teach them that life can still be great albeit in different ways. This belief in the promise of life is the true root of resilience. Resilience is not holding on to a past, or keeping the past present, rather it is believing that every new day can be better than yesterday.
34
"Do I make a difference to others?"
==========================
Wonderful thoughts. But let me suggest that a key way that kids can make a difference to other kids is by sharing helpful ideas and school lesson.
As students, we spend years absorbing knowledge, without giving much back. This can create feelings of worthlessness and stress. But, if students are encouraged to share with other students something of what they learn, then they know that they matter, RIGHT NOW. They don't have to wait until they graduate to teach what they know.
I believe that many failing students can become motivated to succeed in school by constantly sharing with other students. But this is not taught...
==========================================================
I csll it the GOLDEN RULE for SCHOOLS
Let Students teach other students for motivation...
==========================
Wonderful thoughts. But let me suggest that a key way that kids can make a difference to other kids is by sharing helpful ideas and school lesson.
As students, we spend years absorbing knowledge, without giving much back. This can create feelings of worthlessness and stress. But, if students are encouraged to share with other students something of what they learn, then they know that they matter, RIGHT NOW. They don't have to wait until they graduate to teach what they know.
I believe that many failing students can become motivated to succeed in school by constantly sharing with other students. But this is not taught...
==========================================================
I csll it the GOLDEN RULE for SCHOOLS
Let Students teach other students for motivation...
50
The commentators attacking Ms Sandburg here seem to me like the bullies who wrecked that child's robot. Take what you like and leave the rest! Just one man's opinion.
141
"Do I make a difference to others?"
==========================
Wonderful thoughts. But let me suggest that a key way that kids can make a difference to other kids is by sharing helpful ideas and school lesson.
As students, we spend years absorbing knowledge, without giving much back. This can create feelings of worthlessness and stress. But, if students are encouraged to share with other students something of what they learn, then they know that they matter, RIGHT NOW. They don't have to wait until they graduate to teach what they know.
I believe that many failing students can become motivated to succeed in school by constantly sharing with other students. But this is not taught...
==========================================================
www.SavingSchools.org
==========================
Wonderful thoughts. But let me suggest that a key way that kids can make a difference to other kids is by sharing helpful ideas and school lesson.
As students, we spend years absorbing knowledge, without giving much back. This can create feelings of worthlessness and stress. But, if students are encouraged to share with other students something of what they learn, then they know that they matter, RIGHT NOW. They don't have to wait until they graduate to teach what they know.
I believe that many failing students can become motivated to succeed in school by constantly sharing with other students. But this is not taught...
==========================================================
www.SavingSchools.org
7
Instead of using your limited free time writing another book (ironically, about how to help your kids overcome loss), writing op-eds and flying around the country promoting it -- why not spend that time with your kids?
170
The NYT times comment picks are overwhelming flattering of Ms. Sandberg. Yet, many comments raise some real questions regarding the piece. Why is that?
106
How fortunate your children are to have you for their mother. It most likely doesn't make up for their loss, but it surely must help.
66
Sheryl thanks for sharing your insights. I must agree with many of the commentators that perhaps it's too early for you to give guidance on this subject. I also don't think that the negative comments are because people are being envious or jealous or mean. I think they are simply being real. Several of the coping methodologies you have outlined just aren't going to happen for most families - for example, I think most people's friends and collleagues are too busy trying to survive themselves than to create, record and share videos of their memories of daddy. Importantly, I suspect just like for many of the commentators, this is personal. I lost my mother at 14. That was almost 40 years ago. It still feels like yesterday. Always has. Always will. I survived, maybe even thrived, since that time. Your kids will as well. Perhaps the best approach is to simply accept that it is a huge loss, it will always play a major role in their lives and trying to smooth it over through pseudo coping techniques is sub optimal. How about just be aware, be engaged and expect to have many challenges managing this situation as it will not be easily resolved. Ever. No different than many / most Americans have to be aware, engaged and know that they have to manage life, every day, as it's a constant challenge just for them to survive, with or without daddy ...
112
A reminder that highly successful businesswomen like Sheryl Sandberg are multifaceted, caring human beings that face many of the same family hardships we all do. Yes, she has an awesome pulpit. And thank goodness she is using it.
126
These comments bashing Sandberg are nasty and vile. Come on people, be gracious - Ms. Sandberg, I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing with us what you have learned from it.
135
Recently I met a remarkable woman whose parents abandoned her as a child. She has twice survived cancer and undergoes continuous kidney dialysis for lupus. Last year she was brutally raped at knifepoint by four thugs and her body was found unconscious in a park, slashed all over. Somehow she manages to maintain not only her dignity through it all but also a cheerful disposition. She did receive counseling after the gang rape, but I don't think any amount of "resilience" training could ever prepare anyone for real life tragedies which no decent person would wish upon their worst enemy.
42
Oh Sheryl, You've come so far, once a Charger from South Florida and now a Silicon Valley Hero. Everyone suffers. Death comes for us all. This was a good start for you but where will you take it. Two years does not make you an expert; not by a long shot. So the criticism is reasonable especially because of your hero status. What will you do....donate your money, your time, the proceeds from your book? I for one would like to see you become a great philosopher / spiritual leader. I think the combination of Judaism and Buddhism would work for you.
45
My mother was so devastated at my father's death when I was 13, that she fell apart herself, so there is much she wasn't able to do for years afterward. And it was a different time. The minister advised her to send the 2 youngest kids to school the day of the funeral because they were "too young to understand" (7 yrs old). She had (luckily) started back to a full time job just before his sudden death, but just THAT was a huge adjustment for her and for the 4 of us kids. She worked to support us and even put us all through college with minimal help, so she did an amazing job. She tried to keep our father "real" to us by telling stories about him (though he came out pretty idealized). I in many ways became the emotional parent for the 2 youngest, while my brother disappeared into sports. She did work to hook him up with a coach for some male role model. We started a ritual on Sundays of closing our eyes, sticking a pin into a county map, and driving to that place, which was a fun bonding time, and extremely helpful to me in hindsight. Her sister lived in the next town, and spending time with her gave some stability to our family. None of the other talking and emotional support described in this article happened, however, and I had quite a lot of emotional work to do as an adult, to come to terms with my father's loss, after falling into self-destructive behavior myself. I did never doubt that my mother loved me, though, which I think was her greatest gift to me.
87
Way too much bitterness about Ms. Sandberg's social and economic status. She suffered a devastating loss that her wealth couldn't protect her from.
Is this really who so many Times commenters are?
Is this really who so many Times commenters are?
86
The death of a breadwinner would plunge most American families with children into terrifying poverty. Dear God, the medical bills alone from a spouse's final illness...and the loss of health insurance, which stops when the employed person takes their last breath or can't keep working... I've literally known a family that landed in a homeless shelter after one parent passed away. The mortgage bank doesn't give a damn about your need to teach the kids coping skills, and your boss might give you a week of bereavement leave, if you're very, very, very lucky. Most American families don't have $400 for an emergency. When people in my circles lose someone, they have to ask around for help from family, friends and church just to see them buried.
So no. No, advice on dialing up the family's on-call shrink from the plane is not relevant. And frankly, Sandberg's advice is creepily, disturbingly corporate. She handled grief with consultants, color-coding, and checklists, in the most effective and well-researched way?
This whole thing left me with a pit in my stomach. This kind of grief should be the one place where the .01% and the rest of us could share a human experience and a common tragedy, but instead I'm left with a disturbing impression that humanity among America's ruling oligarchs is a thin, hard, monetized thing. Not to mention the arrogance that says we should all be grateful to listen and learn from our betters, yet they can't be bothered to know how we actually live.
So no. No, advice on dialing up the family's on-call shrink from the plane is not relevant. And frankly, Sandberg's advice is creepily, disturbingly corporate. She handled grief with consultants, color-coding, and checklists, in the most effective and well-researched way?
This whole thing left me with a pit in my stomach. This kind of grief should be the one place where the .01% and the rest of us could share a human experience and a common tragedy, but instead I'm left with a disturbing impression that humanity among America's ruling oligarchs is a thin, hard, monetized thing. Not to mention the arrogance that says we should all be grateful to listen and learn from our betters, yet they can't be bothered to know how we actually live.
194
I run a camp for grieving children which Sheryl Sandberg's children attended last summer. The kids at our camp represent every type of socioeconomic background, race, and type of loss, and they come together for a week each year and establish deep bonds because of what makes them the same. They have all lost someone meaningful to them. Those connections help normalize their feelings and make them feel less alone.
The conversations initiated by Option B and this article will help people who are grieving feel less isolated. It will remove some of the stigma of grief that comes from other people's discomfort and a society who largely believes that grief has to look a certain way and last a certain period of time. Her message does not apply to just one type of person or one level of wealth. Grief sucks no matter who you are.
I am grateful to Sheryl for having the courage to tell her story with such raw and honest emotion and for encouraging others to move forward and find meaning in their own adversity. I hope that message trickles down to our youngest grievers to help ease their way through adversity as well.
The conversations initiated by Option B and this article will help people who are grieving feel less isolated. It will remove some of the stigma of grief that comes from other people's discomfort and a society who largely believes that grief has to look a certain way and last a certain period of time. Her message does not apply to just one type of person or one level of wealth. Grief sucks no matter who you are.
I am grateful to Sheryl for having the courage to tell her story with such raw and honest emotion and for encouraging others to move forward and find meaning in their own adversity. I hope that message trickles down to our youngest grievers to help ease their way through adversity as well.
72
I think this is a case of 'both and' - basically, YES we need a culture that supports families and YES all of what Sandberg is saying here is applicable to families of all economic backgrounds. It's not a given that 'children have to be resilient through hardship because they have no other choice'. The idea that folks from working class and poor backgrounds are tougher 'because they have to be' is one of the biggest myths and I'm tired of seeing it perpetrated. It's striking to me how all the comments from people who have lost someone when they were young are thankful to Ms. Sandberg, while those who have not are simply judgemental. I have known plenty of people from middle and working class families (as well as upper class families) who struggle with resiliency, because they were not told or shown that they were loved after a loved one had died, because they were not given any space to grieve or understanding of their grieving process, because they were basically told to get on with life. Grieving is definitely extremely more difficult when a family is dealing with multiple economic stressors - and this has to be acknowledged and - but suffering the loss of a loved one is something that everyone will experience.
44
Thank you for this. You lost your husband suddenly, and so were plunged into a situation for which you are not prepared. I don't know if I am more or less lucky. As I come to grips with my husband's terminal illness, I struggle to know how to prepare our children. On the one hand I do have the "luxury" of preparing. On the other hand, their last memories of him will be if illness and disability. I will often be distracted with providing he care he will need.
How will I balance his needs and theirs at the end? How can I possibly take care of myself as well? How will we do this without a large extended family to help us? Cancer centers often give these problems little attention. Insurance companies should insist the family receive this kind of instruction. It could help prevent a lifetime of illness for all of us.
How will I balance his needs and theirs at the end? How can I possibly take care of myself as well? How will we do this without a large extended family to help us? Cancer centers often give these problems little attention. Insurance companies should insist the family receive this kind of instruction. It could help prevent a lifetime of illness for all of us.
50
We must hope that the children of the future will be raised -- not "built."
31
Sheryl gives great advice. I know her new organization is pairing with Good Grief, a charity in NJ born out of the 9/11 tragedy that provides free grief counseling to children. I give her many kudos for that move. We have participated with Good Grief and the insights their research imparts on participants - in line with Sheryl's piece here - helps people from all walks of life. Loss and adversity cut across class lines. Everyone can benefit from learning how to better cope.
55
My husband died and left three children who loved him unconditionally. We don't have a lot of money. And we always made time to sit down to dinner together, every night. It was a priority. We also made damn sure our children knew how much we love(d) them. Sandberg's message, in my opinion, has NOTHING to do with how much money people have, in order to reinforce, and help build resiliency. It has to do with time and effort and sharing and conversations and breaking bread together. My children are in their 20's. Fortunately, for me, they STILL want to sit down, as often as once a week, and share a meal. They are very close in age and relations. I am glad my husband knew the importance of getting home as early as possible so we could have a meal together, with our children. And I am glad that my children were able to hear him say, "I love you" often. I'm sorry that there are people who equate "resources" with love. The two are mutually exclusive in my opinion.
145
Sigh. I bet that if this was a rich, influential *man* that wrote about how he dealt with his children's grief after the sudden passing of a loved wife, he would have received far less vitriolic responses.
Sexism is real.
Sexism is real.
2
What a lovely essay.
38
Resilience - mmm....I didn't lose a parent as a child; I never had a (loving) one. My mother was disinterested, critical or abusive (emotionally and physically.) I rarely saw my father. Once, when I was already in college, my father (a rare instance) asked me a question: "When are you going to graduate high school?"My parents constantly argued. I was compared to my "perfect" older sister. I had no relatives or other adults for support. My dog meant everything to me. I'm 80 years old, and have a dog. I should have named him "Resilience!"
72
Ms.Sandberg,
I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my Dad when I was 13 NOT a fun road.Thank You for this piece, for some of us it is appreciated.
I apologize for my fellow human beings whom have forgotten how to be humane.
May they find kindness.
I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my Dad when I was 13 NOT a fun road.Thank You for this piece, for some of us it is appreciated.
I apologize for my fellow human beings whom have forgotten how to be humane.
May they find kindness.
70
No matter what kind of house you live in, resources for parents, teachers and caregivers are precious enough. Now they will be cut, and really only for spite. As Neil deGrasse Tyson put it: cutting these programs (for us secular folk of course)......relative to the budget as a whole....is like deleting teeny weeny TEXT files to make room on a hard drive. They cost so little and do so much to help a parent and help a kid. Why something like a Head Start program must go is beyond me. Now: the Department of Education is cut. Education experiences are only a part, but what else besides the community of learning gets a kid's head up and looking around again. Heck, in the old days a library has saved many. We owe them that.
36
Thank you for sharing!! May we all find strength and kindness in your words!
17
I went into this article thinking 'Oh no.. now supermom is going to tell us that we are all doing grief wrong' (and was feeling bad for thinking that way).
I came away hoping she runs for office - preferably President - some day.
I came away hoping she runs for office - preferably President - some day.
16
Wow. Some of the comments here are shameful. Someone writes an opinion about their experience with grief as a family and too many want to a) shame the writer because she has a good job (?!?) and b) condemn the writer for taking the time to write as it may take time away from her kids and job (?!?!).
Who are you people?
Everyone deals with challenges differently. Some NEED to reach out and research and talk with experts. This is one approach - and one often used by educated people as it comforts them to hear others. Just because this woman makes a good salary means nothing. Absolutely nothing. We walk in our own shoes and contrary to progressive thinking, everyone has challenges - the rich, the poor, the white, the black, the muslims, the christians; everyone. You cannot negate theirs because, in your opinion, you don't have as much.
Who are you people?
Everyone deals with challenges differently. Some NEED to reach out and research and talk with experts. This is one approach - and one often used by educated people as it comforts them to hear others. Just because this woman makes a good salary means nothing. Absolutely nothing. We walk in our own shoes and contrary to progressive thinking, everyone has challenges - the rich, the poor, the white, the black, the muslims, the christians; everyone. You cannot negate theirs because, in your opinion, you don't have as much.
65
I find it interesting that there are a number of snarky comments saying Ms. Sandberg's advice is suspect because of her wealth. An element of resilience is being able to go from the general to the particular, to apply lessons to one's particular circumstance. Otherwise only deaf and blind people could relate to Helen Keller and only girls shot in the head could relate to Malala Yousafzai.
35
So many of us have lost loved ones suddenly and without warning and
without resources. And we have learned to cope survive and thrive.
Like any grieving spouse and mother Ms. Sandberg deserves compassion.
But an op ed to shill a book that only amplifies HER billionaire self importance to "help others" is an insult to every widowed working parent living paycheck to paycheck.
Let's hear from someone else please instead of another self important elite who feels her pain is so special that she needs to share it with all of us
without resources. And we have learned to cope survive and thrive.
Like any grieving spouse and mother Ms. Sandberg deserves compassion.
But an op ed to shill a book that only amplifies HER billionaire self importance to "help others" is an insult to every widowed working parent living paycheck to paycheck.
Let's hear from someone else please instead of another self important elite who feels her pain is so special that she needs to share it with all of us
57
I was 6 when I lost a younger brother. This loss was a part of my family as much as my brother's complicated brief life. But what Ms. Sandberg says is so true, and my parents were wise enough and compassionate enough to make this clear to me and my still-living other younger brother:
"We can start by showing children that they matter. Sociologists define “mattering” as the belief that other people notice you, care about you and rely on you."
To the bitter and cynical commenters here, my parents weren't wealthy. They didn't consult experts. During and after a huge loss, they showed compassion and kindness to themselves and us, their children. That is the essence of Ms. Sandberg's advice and does not deserve comments so nasty, hollow, lacking in decency or compassion. Ms. Sandberg needs no one to defend her. But as a society, we need less brittle, mean-spirited commentary and a lot more human decency and compassion.
"We can start by showing children that they matter. Sociologists define “mattering” as the belief that other people notice you, care about you and rely on you."
To the bitter and cynical commenters here, my parents weren't wealthy. They didn't consult experts. During and after a huge loss, they showed compassion and kindness to themselves and us, their children. That is the essence of Ms. Sandberg's advice and does not deserve comments so nasty, hollow, lacking in decency or compassion. Ms. Sandberg needs no one to defend her. But as a society, we need less brittle, mean-spirited commentary and a lot more human decency and compassion.
210
My heart breaks for you and your children. I lost my father when I was nine, and I dreaded anyone new in my life asking me about him. I would get a rush of heat throughout my body, as I had to explain to them that I didn't have one. As the oldest of six children, I was forced to become a man way before my time. Sheryl, what you're doing for your children is admirable, strong and will help them through this unimaginable tragedy. You're all in my thoughts.
110
By definition, resilience requires resistance. Lifting a weight for someone fails to make them stronger, whether that weight is real or metaphorical. I empathize with Ms. Sandberg's children, who have to deal not only with the loss of their father, but also with the pressure to make them "resilient." Perhaps it is this pressure above all that will ultimately spark their resilience.
10
A loss is a loss is a loss for a family. An adversity is an adversity for a child. They all need to cope, regardless of social or financial stature of the affected family or child.
The article gives useful insights about building resiliency in the kids against all adversities. I am certain that most of us can think of a child or family facing the hardship and relate this article to them in ways it can be of help to them.
I am taken aback by the negativity many of the opinions have brought out towards the author.
The article gives useful insights about building resiliency in the kids against all adversities. I am certain that most of us can think of a child or family facing the hardship and relate this article to them in ways it can be of help to them.
I am taken aback by the negativity many of the opinions have brought out towards the author.
32
I did not know of Ms. Sandberg's tragic loss and am deeply moved by her capacity to share and tell the story of her family's gaping loss and tragedy in a way that inspires and moves one to realize that children do indeed have tremendous inner resilience and adaptability.
I see that strength and wisdom in my child-centered family law practice every day. And it is thanks to the sage and mature behavior of the adults in those strong children's lives, that family traumas such as those experienced by Ms. Sandberg's kids are not more deeply etched in the survivors' psycho-spiritual DNA.
I see that strength and wisdom in my child-centered family law practice every day. And it is thanks to the sage and mature behavior of the adults in those strong children's lives, that family traumas such as those experienced by Ms. Sandberg's kids are not more deeply etched in the survivors' psycho-spiritual DNA.
9
This may be hard to believe, but as I sat looking out of the window yesterday here in New York, an ambulance drove by with sirens blaring, and I actually thought of you and an article that you had written shortly after your husband's passing. I never forgot some of the details of your article, including how you will get out of the way of an emergency vehicle even quicker now than before (or something to that effect). Then incredibly, just today I see and read your latest article and it is one of those coincidences that probably doesn't mean anything, but is nonetheless powerful and moving. I am touched to read of the progress that you and your family are making getting through something I imagine can never really be fully gotten through. As you continue your journey, just know others out there have you in their thoughts and admire your strength.
70
I'll admit, I've not always been a fan. I read "Lean In" and thought: "that's easy for you -- you won the trifecta in life's lottery -- beauty, brains, and powerful male mentors". But then when your husband passed away, it was all so visible, and I saw how you grieved, coped, and comforted your kids, and I changed my mind. Because it's only in adversity that you see who someone really is. All of us are going to face the death of a loved one, and your book has a lot to teach ALL of us. I'm now your biggest fan.
17
"She said that the most important thing was to tell my kids over and over how much I loved them.."
She watches too many movies in which "I love you" is the denouement.
After Cinderella's wedding her life might be Diana's!
Look the word up--which sense is apt?
Is the trite phrase a momentary feeling report?--feelings change like the weather.
Is it predicting that the feeling will recur--when the circumstances are right? What if they don't?
Is it a promise to have the feelings? Can you really control them?
Or is it a promise to care--regardless of how you feel about it--much like contracting to do a job well. Saying "I'll be there for you"--regardless of how often-- will fall on deaf ears unless you actually do it--just as promising to do a better job next time won't reassure your boss.
Someone should tell her "Actions speak louder than words"--though as indicated saying is a form of doing.
Also--read Janette Walls, Alexandria Fuller. Better yet--have the kids read them--or read them to the kids.
She watches too many movies in which "I love you" is the denouement.
After Cinderella's wedding her life might be Diana's!
Look the word up--which sense is apt?
Is the trite phrase a momentary feeling report?--feelings change like the weather.
Is it predicting that the feeling will recur--when the circumstances are right? What if they don't?
Is it a promise to have the feelings? Can you really control them?
Or is it a promise to care--regardless of how you feel about it--much like contracting to do a job well. Saying "I'll be there for you"--regardless of how often-- will fall on deaf ears unless you actually do it--just as promising to do a better job next time won't reassure your boss.
Someone should tell her "Actions speak louder than words"--though as indicated saying is a form of doing.
Also--read Janette Walls, Alexandria Fuller. Better yet--have the kids read them--or read them to the kids.
12
I admire Ms. Sandberg for realizing the importance of her role in helping her children cope with the death of their father and remember him. But I find it discomforting that she has published a book about resilience and joy a mere two years after such a huge loss. Having suffered through a shocking family death myself, grieving is a LONG process and it doesn't go in a straight line. This book was obviously being written well before two years had passed. Between working and raising two grieving children as a single parent, where did she find the time? Was "resilience" keeping herself so busy that she didn't have time to be sad? That's not resilience, that's avoidance. I wonder if her perspective will be different five or ten years out.
54
I'm lucky to be a freelancer, because it's allowed me to be at home for my son. I'm unlucky because my unstable income has kept us impoverished for most of his life. I've managed to raise him, by myself, ever since his father left us when he was six and the court allowed his dad to pay NO child support. My boy is now 18. He was all right until he was severely bullied in the fifth grade. From then on, his grades took a nosedive. Access to help was severely limited, because reliable, regular counseling is not available to the poor. When he was a sophomore, I was diagnosed with cancer. His grades stayed in the basement for a good year and a half, until I was finally out of the woods. Since then his grades have climbed back up, but the damage is done. He was rejected by nearly every college he applied to, even though all of his teachers assure me that he is good college material, a smart kid capable of much better than his grades indicate. What would be most helpful? A large amount of money, because then he could go to one of the colleges that accepted him but didn't award him enough money to attend, because of his poor grades. But that money is nowhere in sight, and this is where I realize that my son, despite everything I have done, will remain disadvantaged all of his life, in comparison to your children, who will be able to attend college regardless of GPA. Money eases kids' paths through life in every way, from access to tutors and schools, to counseling and medical care.
66
Money would help, of course, but so is a realization that no setback has to be permanent or damning. You and your son have looked Death in the face and made it blink! I know that that shared experience will ultimately mean more for your son's future -- and yours -- than any winning lottery ticket ever could.
17
I commend Sheryl Sandberg for turning her focus on the devastating impact of loss and grief. Regardless of her wealth and privilege, and that of her children, loosing one's partner and loosing a father is one of the most devastating things in the world. She has all my sympathy and compassion.
So why all the harsh criticism towards Sandberg? Here's my POV. Much like in Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg continues to center the narrative entirely on her existance - this time she has turned the universal topic of grief, mourning, and resiliency on her existance as a wealthy, white female. Though Sandberg has certainly demonstrated an expansion of her understanding of the experiences of those less privileged than herself, her references to the experiences of those who are disadvantaged is still little more than a name check.
Over and over again, Ms. Sandberg can't help but remind the reader about her privilege. She talks about being on a solo vacation with her husband without her kids (and many readers can imagine that she probably was on a private jet rather than stuffed into a commercial economy seat). She talks about reaching out to colleagues or friends who are world class experts in grief management. Most of us have to pay out of pocket for professional help. Few have the luxury of generous insurance benefits to cover what came free and easily to Ms. Sandberg.
Ms. Sandberg can't help center herself in the middle of everything she writes and that's the problem.
So why all the harsh criticism towards Sandberg? Here's my POV. Much like in Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg continues to center the narrative entirely on her existance - this time she has turned the universal topic of grief, mourning, and resiliency on her existance as a wealthy, white female. Though Sandberg has certainly demonstrated an expansion of her understanding of the experiences of those less privileged than herself, her references to the experiences of those who are disadvantaged is still little more than a name check.
Over and over again, Ms. Sandberg can't help but remind the reader about her privilege. She talks about being on a solo vacation with her husband without her kids (and many readers can imagine that she probably was on a private jet rather than stuffed into a commercial economy seat). She talks about reaching out to colleagues or friends who are world class experts in grief management. Most of us have to pay out of pocket for professional help. Few have the luxury of generous insurance benefits to cover what came free and easily to Ms. Sandberg.
Ms. Sandberg can't help center herself in the middle of everything she writes and that's the problem.
56
While I commend anyone willing to open up & talk about their feelings,I have concerns with being "deemed resilient" after just two years.I have studied resilience in my own graduate work,worked with trauma victims and those who have had life-altering grief and loss,& most importantly experienced the loss of my own father suddenly while on vacation nearly 30 years ago when I was just 13.Resilience does not build overnight or even in a year or two.It is a life long process of trial & error, adjustment, & choosing to purposely put one foot in front of the other every day.In a year or two that resilience muscle hasn't been built to its fullest extent.From my work & personal experience one is only resilient after cumulative challenges & joys,struggles & successes.This is particularly true when one has limited resources,supports,or points of meaningfulness in their lives.People do need to talk,find support & meaning after the disruptive nature of grief.One needs time to work the resilience muscle through a new reality,find bearings,& mobilize resources & supports in order to truly be resilient.Those of us who have survived childhood grief & come through the other side nearly 30 years later can offer this perspective.I certainly wasn't resilient after 2 years,nor are the families I work with (even those with reasonable means).We are learning every day to navigate a new reality.Resilience is a life long process where one looks for strength in the brokenness with hope & perseverance.
33
When I was growing up, my mother repeatedly told me there was nothing I could do that would make her stop loving me. She made me believe, and she never acted contrary to that assertion. She'd get mad at me when warranted, of course, but the love was always there.
That love was a powerful shield to take into the wider world. I believe it helped make me the successful, well-adjusted adult that I became.
That love was a powerful shield to take into the wider world. I believe it helped make me the successful, well-adjusted adult that I became.
18
I have read the article several times now to try to find out what the complaints are about. Nowhere does the writer mention anything that could not be done by any surviving parent regardless of financial means.
A nephew lost his father, a union worker, suddenly when he was only 5 and his heartbreak is almost unbearable to witness sometimes. Money has little to do with your heart aching missing your father -- or a survivor's heartache dealing with a spouse's loss and the heartache of a child.
And a vacation without children is not uncommon. I'm not rich and we always went on a vacation when the kids were at camp in the summer.
And, believe me, I have no liking or admiration for the rich.
A nephew lost his father, a union worker, suddenly when he was only 5 and his heartbreak is almost unbearable to witness sometimes. Money has little to do with your heart aching missing your father -- or a survivor's heartache dealing with a spouse's loss and the heartache of a child.
And a vacation without children is not uncommon. I'm not rich and we always went on a vacation when the kids were at camp in the summer.
And, believe me, I have no liking or admiration for the rich.
19
Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you, Sheryl.
7
For a period of years during my police career, I was a child abuse and child sexual assault investigator for my department. It was not an easy detective assignment, and after interviewing countless child victims of rape and physical abuse, I could not help but note how resilient children were in dealing with emotional trauma. I came to believe that this was Nature's way of helping them survive what is in most cases, a rough childhood.
I thank Sheryl Sandberg for her insight in how she has dealt with the trauma of her children accepting their father's untimely death. I believe that if we take on the responsibility of having children, we must ensure they have the tools to emotionally survive their formative years.
I am not sure I understand the negative commentary I have read from readers in response to her op-ed.
I thank Sheryl Sandberg for her insight in how she has dealt with the trauma of her children accepting their father's untimely death. I believe that if we take on the responsibility of having children, we must ensure they have the tools to emotionally survive their formative years.
I am not sure I understand the negative commentary I have read from readers in response to her op-ed.
30
Thank you for sharing your experience. Loss transcends money and influence. Whether you have plenty of both, does not mean you feel the loss any less or cope any better.
11
Cheryl -- I am so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your experience. I want to bring attention to this passage: "The next morning, he returned to find his robot had been destroyed: Bullies had taken only his apart." -- this is an example of the systematic dumbing down of our country, where Bullies reign supreme over those of us who dare to become intellectuals.
10
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I can't even fathom how difficult the loss of your husband and your children's father has been - I remember reading about his death 2 years ago and my heart breaking for you and your family, as it does now. Thank you for using your influence and reach to share the steps you've taken to help your family move forward and remember him. I am a young mother with a toddler, expecting our second soon, and you are a role model for me in many ways. Thank you for continuing to provide guidance to other families. Sending our love and encouragement to you.
57
When I was 12, my father suddenly died from a heart attack. My mother was 53. I was her 4th child, born later in her life, and the only one still at home. She disappeared into her grief, abandoning me to cope with mine on my own. All her conversation was about what she had lost, not what we had. As I turned 13, I met up with some kids that weren't the best influence, but they paid attention to me. I turned to alcohol and then drugs at a pretty early age, while my mother continued to sit in the dark at home, consumed by her depression. I managed to graduate from high school, but it wasn't until I was in my 20s that I realized I had to pull myself together in order to live a meaningful life. I went to college and graduated, married, worked. I moved all the way across the country from my mother, who grieved for 30 years until she died, never really recovering. It affected everything in my life. I wish my mother could have been resilient enough to deal with her grief, and help me with mine.
105
Having lost both parents before I reached age 23 I have to say that resilience was not a matter of finding the right psychologist to console me. I think one simply has to admit that the loss of one's parents interferes with resilience and can cause depression no matter how many books we read, no matter how many psychologists we consult, no matter how how much we matter to others.
79
Sorry for your loss. Sorrier for your kids' loss. Losing a parent, especially at such young age, is difficult. Very difficult. You come across as a compassionate, loving mother, who puts here kids' needs and emotions way up there.
But - you and the rest of us are apples and oranges. While we both are fruit and grow on trees; you are a world influencer with infinite resources. Your advice, however eloquent and well researched is not applicable to any of the widows I know and/or their orphaned children. I had a bitter taste of "let them have cake" which I know was not your intention.
If I were you, I would just focus on my own kids, nurture them to adulthood and help and love them along the way. Your advice will just draw fire at you and upset your kids, who definitely do not need (and want) this kind of attention.
But - you and the rest of us are apples and oranges. While we both are fruit and grow on trees; you are a world influencer with infinite resources. Your advice, however eloquent and well researched is not applicable to any of the widows I know and/or their orphaned children. I had a bitter taste of "let them have cake" which I know was not your intention.
If I were you, I would just focus on my own kids, nurture them to adulthood and help and love them along the way. Your advice will just draw fire at you and upset your kids, who definitely do not need (and want) this kind of attention.
63
As a psychiatrist and a father, I was greatly moved by Sheryl Sandberg’s op-ed about her family’s journey after her husband’s death (How to Build Resilient Kids, Even After a Loss, Monday, April 24, 2017). By sharing her experience, Ms. Sandberg offers help and hope to others raising children after the loss of a parent, or other traumas.
However, parents cannot raise resilient children by themselves. Schools must support parents and teachers in their efforts by providing education, training and raising awareness.
There is much evidence-based research showing the importance resilience plays in adult success. But, as Ms. Sandberg correctly points out, it is a trait that must be learned and fostered. We need to support additional research on how we can help children become resilient.
Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D.
President & CEO
The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation
However, parents cannot raise resilient children by themselves. Schools must support parents and teachers in their efforts by providing education, training and raising awareness.
There is much evidence-based research showing the importance resilience plays in adult success. But, as Ms. Sandberg correctly points out, it is a trait that must be learned and fostered. We need to support additional research on how we can help children become resilient.
Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D.
President & CEO
The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation
46
Two years ago Sheryl Sandberg and her children became members of a group that no one wants to join. 26 years later, I've learned from both personal and professional experience that the experience of Resilience is only a part of the grief journey/process. I hope that others (both men and women) will not "measure" their "progress" against Ms. Sandberg's.
It takes more years (than she may realize right now), to integrate the loss of a husband/wife and father and that there is no right way or wrong way to "do it". Her children's understanding of the death of their father (at different developmental stages and milestones) and their needs, will also be different from hers and each other's. The grief process is also impacted by the nature of the death (sudden or long term illlness-suicide-murder and the age of the person who died).
Amy Liebman Rapp, M.S.Ed., CT
The Sanctuary National Grief Support Network
The Sanctuary for Grief
Larchmont, New York
It takes more years (than she may realize right now), to integrate the loss of a husband/wife and father and that there is no right way or wrong way to "do it". Her children's understanding of the death of their father (at different developmental stages and milestones) and their needs, will also be different from hers and each other's. The grief process is also impacted by the nature of the death (sudden or long term illlness-suicide-murder and the age of the person who died).
Amy Liebman Rapp, M.S.Ed., CT
The Sanctuary National Grief Support Network
The Sanctuary for Grief
Larchmont, New York
66
Ms. Sandberg should be commended for being open, starting a nonprofit, succeeding in a man's world, giving back to society, and being a thoughtful parent, at the very least! People are wondering why this article made people angry. Ms. Sanberg is telling people how to raise resilient children. In my situation, I grew up poor and on welfare with a mentally ill mother. My stepfather was physically abusive. I had a boyfriend who committed suicide in jail after breaking into a restaurant with a boyfriend. Both of my parents died 30 years ago. My son has autism. I later became a professor and my son is doing well is college. And, my story is not unique. I remember being in a college class where a college professor pointed at me and said “We have someone in here who has a story to tell about the difficulties of her childhood.” I was mortified until I realized he wasn’t pointing at me, he was pointing at a girl right behind me, an orphan who escaped from Vietnam during the war. Everyone suffers in different ways and can handle different levels of trauma. People are angry at this article because Ms. Sanberg doesn’t come across as understanding what living in America is like for a lot of people. And ultimately, who gets to speak? Who gets a voice in this country? It’s always the celebrity and the rich people.
122
Kudos to the author for trying to turn the loss into something of benefit for others.
Some may find the insights and advice beneficial. Some may not. That is true of advice regardless of who the author is.
For those who can't get past the author's wealth, 5 thoughts come to mind:
1. The poem of John Donne: No Man is An Island. Read it and listen for the tolling bell.
2. There is a reason that Envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins.
3. Reading the comments of those carping about her wealth reminds me of the bullies who destroyed the kid's robot.
4. If you can't get past the author's wealth, don't buy the book.
5. We must learn to evaluate the message apart from the messenger.
Some may find the insights and advice beneficial. Some may not. That is true of advice regardless of who the author is.
For those who can't get past the author's wealth, 5 thoughts come to mind:
1. The poem of John Donne: No Man is An Island. Read it and listen for the tolling bell.
2. There is a reason that Envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins.
3. Reading the comments of those carping about her wealth reminds me of the bullies who destroyed the kid's robot.
4. If you can't get past the author's wealth, don't buy the book.
5. We must learn to evaluate the message apart from the messenger.
32
It's always amazing how adults, having been children themselves, don't give children credit for being a lot less fragile than they're purported to be. The idea that children can be strong in the face of challenges seems a perception to be shed like baby teeth. But even Bambi got over his mother's death. It's one thing to watch for warning signs that children could use a little help coping with a not-nice occurrence, and certainly encourage them to express their feelings; it's quite another to be so overeager to comfort them that you anticipate their falling apart to the point where you virtually make it happen.
You don't "build" resilient kids. You let them be resilient. They don't need the band-aid until they actually bleed.
You don't "build" resilient kids. You let them be resilient. They don't need the band-aid until they actually bleed.
30
At face value, this article is fairly uncontroversial. Raw, infinite grief is a shared human experience, and Sandberg's new book undoubtedly has good advice. But how to account for all the criticism here in the comments? I don't think it is envy. I think the disparity between the rich and everyone else is now so obscenely high, that people are simply fed up. Our government is becoming a plutocracy, and the power of extreme wealth can be seen everywhere, even in the tiny corner of getting a self-help book published and promoted.
97
I feel for your loss, but if you look around you, in your state, country, and the world loss is part of life, and the enormity of global suffering from loss is hard to comprehend. However, the unfortunate few billionaires who experience tragedy, will recover and for the rest of us we know this simply a bump in the road for them
38
The emergent self does not wait till toddlerhood!
It begins on Day One, when body sensations of discomfort or fear cause fretting or crying and someone comes to alleviate the discomfort and regulate the baby.
Babies learn they matter from focus, attentiveness, empathy, and company.
It begins on Day One, when body sensations of discomfort or fear cause fretting or crying and someone comes to alleviate the discomfort and regulate the baby.
Babies learn they matter from focus, attentiveness, empathy, and company.
7
I read the first 25 comments. It's interesting to note the form of address used. Most people wrote to Mrs. Sandberg. There was one Ms. Nobody wrote Sheryl. That's a strong departure from what I see in most comments. I suspect the formality is because so many cannot relate.
Folks, this is essentially free PR for a book that I have no intention of reading. I consider Sheryl Sandberg to be a brilliant, successful woman. I don't see her as an expert on grieving or raising children. She has generalized from her singular experience to suggest that how she coped is how everyone should.
I think we all know that no two kids are alike. What works for one may not work for another even among close siblings.
Folks, this is essentially free PR for a book that I have no intention of reading. I consider Sheryl Sandberg to be a brilliant, successful woman. I don't see her as an expert on grieving or raising children. She has generalized from her singular experience to suggest that how she coped is how everyone should.
I think we all know that no two kids are alike. What works for one may not work for another even among close siblings.
70
agreeing with 'tell your kids how much you love them'
my parents both died when I was 15 - mom had cancer for 3 years - the morning of her funeral my father dropped dead of a (second) stroke seconds after he had tried to hug me (something he'd never done before) - so a double funeral was hastily arranged and made the front page of the newspaper.
but - knowing this was likely - they had put me in boarding school a couple of months before - so there was really no change to my daily life - so apart from sobbing all day when I heard my mom had passed - I was fine.
So my takeaway is - the major trauma of loved ones' passing is the change to one's daily life - I have seen older guys living with their mother who were shattered when their mother died - so I'm guessing minimising that transition by keeping whatever stable routine
that failing - being surrounded by loved ones - who reassure that they're always going to be there for them - may be the best
after my parents' funeral, a group of relatives I hadn't seen much were sitting around - and one older male said to me 'if there's anything you want, let me know' - feeling alone in the world having just lost both my parents and not knowing where my next money was coming from I said 'twenty dollars would be nice' - everyone chuckled good-humoredly - but I was serious ! My new legal guardian obviously gestured to him 'don't worry - I'll take care of it' - but he didn't say that to me - I just felt abandoned.
my parents both died when I was 15 - mom had cancer for 3 years - the morning of her funeral my father dropped dead of a (second) stroke seconds after he had tried to hug me (something he'd never done before) - so a double funeral was hastily arranged and made the front page of the newspaper.
but - knowing this was likely - they had put me in boarding school a couple of months before - so there was really no change to my daily life - so apart from sobbing all day when I heard my mom had passed - I was fine.
So my takeaway is - the major trauma of loved ones' passing is the change to one's daily life - I have seen older guys living with their mother who were shattered when their mother died - so I'm guessing minimising that transition by keeping whatever stable routine
that failing - being surrounded by loved ones - who reassure that they're always going to be there for them - may be the best
after my parents' funeral, a group of relatives I hadn't seen much were sitting around - and one older male said to me 'if there's anything you want, let me know' - feeling alone in the world having just lost both my parents and not knowing where my next money was coming from I said 'twenty dollars would be nice' - everyone chuckled good-humoredly - but I was serious ! My new legal guardian obviously gestured to him 'don't worry - I'll take care of it' - but he didn't say that to me - I just felt abandoned.
84
I think I prefer to read about Trump. I can feel self-righteous .....this just makes me relive everything I did wrong with my precious children.
9
Thanks for taking the time to write and share this, Sheryl. I think we can all relate to the desire to "matter" in each others' lives.
8
Expressing skepticism towards Ms. Sandberg's latest project is seen by some as "being harsh" or "acting jealously". However:
1) If Ms. Sandberg had not experienced a truly terrible tragedy resulting in life as a single parent, she wouldn't have said - as she (finally) did last May on her Facebook page - "Before, I did not quite get it. I did not really get how hard it is to succeed at work when you are overwhelmed at home."
"Lean In" was published in 2013. If her personal situation had not changed in the interim, make no mistake: Ms. Sandberg would be on a book tour right now touting a sequel, "Lean In Even More."
2) On this publicity tour, Ms. Sandberg is finally saying "Leaning In" isn't working for a lot of women, including in management. Yet even now if one clicks on the link at the bottom of this column, you'll see a website already telling you how to set up your own "Option B" group - just like with the Lean In craze/fad (because that's what it was).
Option B is a beautifully packaged product release. (Is it really a book?) Yet once again, Ms. Sandberg doesn't get it. She's an extremely powerful and well-compensated Silicon Valley COO - and her world-changing milieu is called...Facebook, not Lean In or Option B.
Facebook's got some problems right now; I'm sure she's noticed. How about working on some needed changes to the world she actually has a hand in controlling - and which influences perhaps a billion people - before she tries to change anything else?
1) If Ms. Sandberg had not experienced a truly terrible tragedy resulting in life as a single parent, she wouldn't have said - as she (finally) did last May on her Facebook page - "Before, I did not quite get it. I did not really get how hard it is to succeed at work when you are overwhelmed at home."
"Lean In" was published in 2013. If her personal situation had not changed in the interim, make no mistake: Ms. Sandberg would be on a book tour right now touting a sequel, "Lean In Even More."
2) On this publicity tour, Ms. Sandberg is finally saying "Leaning In" isn't working for a lot of women, including in management. Yet even now if one clicks on the link at the bottom of this column, you'll see a website already telling you how to set up your own "Option B" group - just like with the Lean In craze/fad (because that's what it was).
Option B is a beautifully packaged product release. (Is it really a book?) Yet once again, Ms. Sandberg doesn't get it. She's an extremely powerful and well-compensated Silicon Valley COO - and her world-changing milieu is called...Facebook, not Lean In or Option B.
Facebook's got some problems right now; I'm sure she's noticed. How about working on some needed changes to the world she actually has a hand in controlling - and which influences perhaps a billion people - before she tries to change anything else?
79
I read Sheryl's first book, Leaning In, found it interesting and insightful, and thought critics went overboard in expecting it to be a book that addressed the different situations of all women. It was a good book and I highly recommend it to young women starting out on a career.
However, this article struck me as um... lame with a dose of talking-down. Really, "mattering", "companioning".. these sound like pyschological terms for what I hope the majority of parents instinctually know. Love your kids, spend time with time, listen to them, support them through tough times. I hate to say this, but could it be that when you are a busy exec, this seems like new found wisdom?
Despite this, I still recommend her first book.
However, this article struck me as um... lame with a dose of talking-down. Really, "mattering", "companioning".. these sound like pyschological terms for what I hope the majority of parents instinctually know. Love your kids, spend time with time, listen to them, support them through tough times. I hate to say this, but could it be that when you are a busy exec, this seems like new found wisdom?
Despite this, I still recommend her first book.
Thanks Mrs. Sanberg for a thoughtful and warm message of hope.
12
I have 6 and 9 year old daughters and as a result of my Stoic philosophical beliefs, my daughters know that I and their mum will die one day and that day could be tomorrow.
The point of the piece is simply to reinforce to kids under stress that they matter. Its odd to me that so many people focus on Ms Sandberg's income as a negative and take her article as some kind of condescending piece. They seem to be saying, "So what, we've suffered adversity too" Everyone is so wrapped up in caring about only themselves. This must be why I have to listen to so many full length journalistic pieces on NPR about the most miserable, poor, decrepit members of society...because people naturally just don't want to hear about other people unless THEY can feel superior, JUST as they are accusing Ms Sandberg of doing. TOTAL Hypocrites.
What some people should recognize is that money and success does not make you less of a person, and just focus on what she's saying instead of being so self absorbed.
What some people should recognize is that money and success does not make you less of a person, and just focus on what she's saying instead of being so self absorbed.
1
How sexist is our society? So sexist that a woman writes a book to help children who have suffered loss and she is attacked because on her accomplishments. The US has a long way to go.
39
Thank you Ms. Sandburg. I am going to share your essay with my colleagues, who are Suzuki violin, cello and piano instructors at a private music school in New York City. We recently lost a beloved colleague at the school whose students and their parents are trying to cope with the loss of a teacher who was like a family member to many. Since we become extended family to our long term students and the students of our colleagues, we are also trying to lend loving support to the children who are adjusting to a new teacher and holding on to their love and respect for the one who has departed. Teachers really do matter in the lives of their students and their families.
79
My dad died when I was in 6th grade and my mom permanently checked out on me. I am consequently made of titanium; nothing can hurt me and I do everything by myself with as little help as I can get away with.
As an adult I am obsessed with making sure my own kids never have to endure the certainty that nobody can help if there's trouble. Despite trying not to "helicopter parent", I think I do too much for them (for instance, I carry their backpacks for them and don't expect help around the house). The fallout from a stressful childhood is felt right on through the next generations.
As an adult I am obsessed with making sure my own kids never have to endure the certainty that nobody can help if there's trouble. Despite trying not to "helicopter parent", I think I do too much for them (for instance, I carry their backpacks for them and don't expect help around the house). The fallout from a stressful childhood is felt right on through the next generations.
21
Thanks for writing this piece and sharing your thoughts on building resilient kids. Your article evoked powerful memories of my mother's strength and unshakable love when my dad died more than 50 years ago. Like you, she had two young kids - nine and thirteen. Five years before his death, my father had a stoke and was paralyzed. Those years were challenging for all of us but looking back, Mom bore the brunt of it. Somehow, she managed to carry on and instinctually knew how to make all of us feel loved. Thankfully, we had the support of extended family as well. Our elderly relatives (from a child's perspective!) were great storytellers and helped instill a sense of place and history.
While reading your article I realized how proud I feel of what my mom accomplished through instinct and common sense without the advantage of psychological research. We had some rough, challenging years but what I remember most was her steady love, support and resilience.
Best wishes to you and your family.
While reading your article I realized how proud I feel of what my mom accomplished through instinct and common sense without the advantage of psychological research. We had some rough, challenging years but what I remember most was her steady love, support and resilience.
Best wishes to you and your family.
17
Knowing that they matter is very important not only for kids, but for the elderly, too. When my father died, I thought that one silver lining for my mother would be that she would be relieved of the burden of being his sole care-giver. However, although in weak health herself and in her late seventies, she kept repeating that her greatest wish was that she wanted to be useful.
12
I thought a well written article but feel perhaps more humility of what makes up the human psyche and thus resilience. How many of us know siblings raised in the same household where one child thrives in the face of adversity and another withers. Ultimately resilience is a trait that comes from within and is in a large part mysterious. Studies and experts all look at things in the short term and looking back 20 or 30 years things might look much different.
13
Many have commented that Ms. Sandberg's experiences are not easily generalized because of her vast wealth and the attendant resources at her disposal. This is certainly a valid criticism of this opinion piece. However, some have suggested that these comments raise to the level of attack and wishing Ms. Sandberg ill. In my reading, this is simply not true. Most who are critical are questioning her expertise to provide a recipe to "build resilient kids". No one is questioning her heartbreak, and her sincere efforts to protect and guide her children. The issue is: does Ms. Sandberg have the experience to advise all the rest of parents, or does her experience lack the financial and practical limitations - even though her story and her strategies are interesting and emotionally compelling. Personally, I think not.
49
Ms Sandberg,thank you for sharing your experiences of living with grief and loss. So many experience loss in so many ways; the death of those we hold dear will always be with us, and I applaud your generosity in sharing your story and your concern for how the young experience the same. May you have no more sorrows. On a personal note, I find the teaching of the Dalai Lama most directly helpful: 'may we all be free of pain and suffering'.
5
I wonder what Ms. Sandberg will think of her own book in three, five, ten years. As someone who suffered a grievous, traumatic loss five years ago, I cannot fathom imagining that I have a handle on my own grief--let alone the ability to guide others--less than two years in.
41
I tend to believe I didn't learn resilience from my own family at all. It was only after I went through my largely incomprehensible twenties living alone that I came to terms with how to be content, and how to bounce back from setbacks. I've noticed that into my middle age I now see how much my thirties formed who I am today, and of that I'm grateful--on the other hand, I may not have gotten here without that dark period. In learning how to deal with this adversity--tragic as it is--Ms. Sandberg's family has been given a gift.
2
Most of us believe that when bad things happen in our lives, they happen because of us. A low grade was earned because we are stupid or lack the motivation we should have. A relationship goes south because we are unlovable. Our parents divorced because of us.
I think of this narrative as the myth of inadequacy. It is a powerful story that each of us tells our Self over and over about not being enough to control our environment, and in truth, we have very little control over the external world. Granted we may experience the illusion of control, but, as managers, politicians, teachers and parents know in their hearts, the 'control' only works if others choose for it to work.
The myth for most humans, is not true, and yet, we begin to behave as if it were true. We settle for less. We play small, so to speak, avoiding challenges because failure would be proof of our greatest fear-we are not enough.
Resilience, the ability to regroup and try a different process, can and should be developed. We waste untolled amounts of potential, because we will not risk failure. Even our "best and brightest" report that they stay in safe, comfortable zones of effectiveness, lest they fail at a new venture and their inadequacy is outed.
The magic is that we are already enough. we just need to behave as if we are enough.
I think of this narrative as the myth of inadequacy. It is a powerful story that each of us tells our Self over and over about not being enough to control our environment, and in truth, we have very little control over the external world. Granted we may experience the illusion of control, but, as managers, politicians, teachers and parents know in their hearts, the 'control' only works if others choose for it to work.
The myth for most humans, is not true, and yet, we begin to behave as if it were true. We settle for less. We play small, so to speak, avoiding challenges because failure would be proof of our greatest fear-we are not enough.
Resilience, the ability to regroup and try a different process, can and should be developed. We waste untolled amounts of potential, because we will not risk failure. Even our "best and brightest" report that they stay in safe, comfortable zones of effectiveness, lest they fail at a new venture and their inadequacy is outed.
The magic is that we are already enough. we just need to behave as if we are enough.
9
Far too many messages pound into us that we are inadequate, when in truth we are better than "enough."
4
I'm reading through the comments here and you've come in for a lot of criticism based on who you are and your status but I read your piece never having heard of you before and as someone who lost her mother at 10 years of age, your story moved me, most of all because my own family didn't deal with her passing very well, we just tried to ignore our grief and muddle on through as best we could as that was how death was dealt with in Ireland in 1991. No counsellors, no psychologists, no talk with teachers or family on coping strategies. We bottled it up and we all paid the price down the line when the delayed grief finally kicked in to the point of it becoming too much to cope with. Reading your post has given me advice on how to not make that same mistake again when I lose another loved one, even now as an adult. Lovely piece of writing and my sympathies to you and your children.
236
Amen, sister! :-)
3
The advice is helpful, but I think I'd feel good about this essay and book if I knew she was giving the profits to, say, a charity for children coping with grief.
25
What's with all the aggression in these comments, and all the thumbs up for the aggression?! By my reading, there is nothing in this piece that smacks of out-of-touch privilege. On the contrary, Ms. Sandberg's accounting of resilience appears well-researched and relevant to society at large.
People suffer. All people. Time to check our cynicism, perhaps?
People suffer. All people. Time to check our cynicism, perhaps?
312
I am writing as a mother, grandmother and still a daughter of a 94 yr old Holocaust survivor, I identify and observe that many of the coping methods you have learned are derived from our Jewish tradition.
Resilience in children comes as you say from " understanding of their family’s history — where their grandparents grew up, what their parents’ childhoods were like — they have better coping skills and a stronger sense of self"
"Zahor" Remembrance is one of the most powerful driving forces for a child as for a people. Sometimes we don't need to reinvent but can go back to our own teachings and traditions and learn them again.
Resilience in children comes as you say from " understanding of their family’s history — where their grandparents grew up, what their parents’ childhoods were like — they have better coping skills and a stronger sense of self"
"Zahor" Remembrance is one of the most powerful driving forces for a child as for a people. Sometimes we don't need to reinvent but can go back to our own teachings and traditions and learn them again.
99
Where was this article when I needed it 55 years ago, err 19 years ago. So much for families sticking together during good times and bad. So lucky I am to have a supportive wife. My father died for an eternity. I was never prepared for it. I was a kid and didn't know him well enough. Told to get over it by my mother who contended that at 7-16 I was mature for my age and a grown up, I tried. Bad advice.
41
One of the best things you can do for your children is to let them go through hard times and learn to deal with challenges. Parents too often want to rescue kids and prevent any and all suffering. That is a horrible lesson for real life. Kids who have endured challenges and difficult times will be much better prepared for real life.
7
Maybe kids find it easier to persevere when the loss of a parent doesn't mean the loss of an income, the loss of the home, the loss of a school district and the loss of access to medical care for at least one member of the household.
65
Oh so true! My son's second grade classmate lost his police officer mother when she and 3 fellow officers were shot and killed over their breakfast a few years ago. This child had to move far away, then, to be with his father, uprooting him completely, although thankfully he had both father and wonderful stepfather who wanted him as well.
11
I know it sounds strange, but be thankful that the kids didn't have to watch their Dad suffer with a terminal illness like my 13 yr old son did 2 yrs ago. He has been resilient and luckily has a lot of support from male family members. That helped the most.
6
All of us must deal with loss. I'm grateful to those who share how they cope. And I'm sorry for those doomed to spend their lives in criticism rather than appreciation.
10
Ms. Sandberg's children may have fallen upon emotionally hard times but they will NEVER fall upon financially hard times. Which very often is the case when a family loses their father/husband. I'm sure that her children will also receive the best mental health care possibly available. Good for them.
The rest of us in this country will just continue to suffer during crisis after crisis.
Let's not kid ourselves, money ALWAYS cushions the blow of hardships, of any kind.
The rest of us in this country will just continue to suffer during crisis after crisis.
Let's not kid ourselves, money ALWAYS cushions the blow of hardships, of any kind.
64
I daresay my kids would be pretty resilient if they never had any money worries. So would I. It's really easy to write this sort of thing when you're not doing so on five hours of sleep over a lousy six weeks of maternity leave.
37
To the author and her family: my sincerest sympathies for your terrible loss.
14
The vitriol directed at Sheryl Sandberg is nothing more than envy disguised as self-righteousness. Any one of these commenters lambasting her for being rich and telling others how to live would swap bank accounts with her in a New York minute. Ms. Sandberg's writing is, indeed, an act of generosity. She doesn't have to take the time to put herself out there and share her story, and yet I am glad she does because if she is helping even one person by doing so, then it is valuable.
29
Not only is it envy disguised as self-righteousness - it's sexism masked as faux feminism. Patton Oswalt has spoken and written about his new life as a sudden widower raising his young child (a girl about the age of Sandberg's daughter). The online feedback for his articles - and articles about him - is suspiciously absent of the vitriol here. Readers of those articles don't ask Oswalt why he's naval gazing, how he's spending his money, or when he'll spend his fortune on political causes. It's almost as if they don't expect one man's experience to mirror everyone else's. Interesting...
15
Agreed. The vitriol is disheartening!
9
Good advice but it's a bit shocking anyone would need such advice. Pay attention to your kids? Make them feel loved and valued -- by loving and valuing them?
How many books need to be written to flesh out "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?
I'm glad she's thrown her hat in the ring, but for god's sake, what is wrong with people such that they need this advice?
How many books need to be written to flesh out "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"?
I'm glad she's thrown her hat in the ring, but for god's sake, what is wrong with people such that they need this advice?
14
My first husband died when our daughter was 4, so I have a lot of sympathy for what Sheryl and her kids are going through. There was a lot of tumult in our home for at least a couple of years including door slamming, not all of it my daughter's. I certainly took advice to keep up a routine, reassure her I wasn't going anywhere (inshallah) and many of the other suggestions Sheryl gives. My daughter is resilient and we have a close bond.
But I wish you, Sheryl, had just taken the advice and been with your kids instead of researchingand writing about it as well as all the time that goes into your high-powered job.
But I wish you, Sheryl, had just taken the advice and been with your kids instead of researchingand writing about it as well as all the time that goes into your high-powered job.
28
Long term, this will be hardest for the mother, because she is right - the children are too young and will forget. She needs to be careful not to force her need for them to remember (showing videos, etc). Eventually, they will say, yea I know - I've seen the videos 100 times. The videos will become their own entity. The mind forgets, especially when we're talking about things/people from childhood. Sad.
I don't begrudge Ms. Sandberg's wealth or think it makes her out of touch with the problems of people who aren't billionaires (ok, maybe a little: she kind of lost me at robot camp, which costs about $1500 a week in my area. If a boy is upset *months* later because "bullies" wrecked his robot (rich kid problems), he has other issues that need to be addressed). And I know Facebook is all about oversharing aspects of people's lives (which is why I am not on it), but this essay and her book feel self-serving and self-promoting, and like she is capitalizing on a devastating loss, which makes me feel a little squeamish.
55
Ms Sandberg states: "As a society, we owe all our children safety, support, opportunity and help finding a way forward. We can start by showing children that they matter"
This, as President Trump proposes to eliminate $1.2 billion in grants for after-school and summer programs that mainly serve the...
"Two out of 10 children in the United States live in poverty. More than 2.5 million kids have a parent in jail, and many endure serious illness, neglect, abuse or homelessness" as Sandberg writes.
Guess these kids don't "matter" as much.
Maybe Ms. Sandberg, you could "set out" to learn and do something about this.
This, as President Trump proposes to eliminate $1.2 billion in grants for after-school and summer programs that mainly serve the...
"Two out of 10 children in the United States live in poverty. More than 2.5 million kids have a parent in jail, and many endure serious illness, neglect, abuse or homelessness" as Sandberg writes.
Guess these kids don't "matter" as much.
Maybe Ms. Sandberg, you could "set out" to learn and do something about this.
There was nothing moralizing in Ms. Sandberg's essay, the approach of which is entirely a combination of "here's what research shows" and "here's how it applied in my family, i.e. why it makes sense to me". And yet most of the responses so far pour out vitriol as though Ms. Sandberg were singlehandedly responsible for economic inequality.
Liberals -- do you suppose we can all Grow Up ? Stop taking out our anger at any convenient target ? Address the content as warranted, and the tone only when it's actually insulting ?
Liberals -- do you suppose we can all Grow Up ? Stop taking out our anger at any convenient target ? Address the content as warranted, and the tone only when it's actually insulting ?
10
Ms. Sandberg has a lot of time on her hands to plan feel-good projects like these, certainly something worthwhile, but out of reach for single parents who aren't sitting on a billion dollar net worth.
24
I'm sorry for Ms Sandberg's loss and I'm happy for her that she's working her way through it. But let's be honest. Most people don't have the time, connections or resources to get counselled and advised by a psychologist/professor or ask friends, work colleague and family to sit for video interviews recounting their memories.
Ms. Sandberg made her fortune by vacuuming up as much personal information as possible about you, me and everyone else on Planet Facebook and then selling that information to the highest bidder. That requires many skills but empathy isn't one of them
Ms. Sandberg made her fortune by vacuuming up as much personal information as possible about you, me and everyone else on Planet Facebook and then selling that information to the highest bidder. That requires many skills but empathy isn't one of them
63
Beautiful. As a grief therapsit this looks like a must have as a resource. Thank you. I especially like the videos.
5
Thank God for Sheryl.
Before her, I never realized I could elan in.
Now I am doing it all the times, especially when patronizing snooty restaurants or pushing through the hoi poloi at Broadway Shows.
Heretofore when friends or relatives died, I didn't know the correct way to experience grief.
Now I've got that covered and, sometimes, even check the obits in order to practice for future opportunities.
I am looking forward to focusing all the exigencies of my ongoing life according to Sheryl's exquisite advice volumes.
Before her, I never realized I could elan in.
Now I am doing it all the times, especially when patronizing snooty restaurants or pushing through the hoi poloi at Broadway Shows.
Heretofore when friends or relatives died, I didn't know the correct way to experience grief.
Now I've got that covered and, sometimes, even check the obits in order to practice for future opportunities.
I am looking forward to focusing all the exigencies of my ongoing life according to Sheryl's exquisite advice volumes.
30
I feel for Mz Sandberg and her family for their loss. Like millions of other readers I grew up in a single family home having lost a parent to an incurable illness. The cynic in me says this was only published because it was Sheryl Sandburg but any one who shines a light on kids dealing with loss is welcome. If the NYTimes is really interested in this issue then I hope they reach out to a lot of others, especially those who can't raise their kids with the privilege she has, who can write OpEds about this too.
15
I am a mother of a five year old and two year old. I am also a cancer survivor with many health problems, in and out of the hospital about once a month. I have this feeling in my gut that I'm not going to be on this earth when they will need me to help when they have babies of their own. I hope to make it to see them graduate from high school.
Since they were born, I've been preparing my kids to be resilient. I talk with my five year old every time I get home from the hospital and he sees the bruises from the IVs.
But I think the most important thing I've done for them is to create a journal of their lives. I write about every silly thing they've done, how much they weighed at doctors appointments, how they did great in a soccer game and a lot of my feelings of how much I love them. My son had 200 pages so far and my daughter has 100 . It's my way to be with them when I might not physically be here for them. I hope one day, if I'm not here, and my daughter or son has a sixteen month old and needs advice, then they can check what mommy wrote about them at that age and also find all the love notes I'm leaving in it. I hope this helps them but it has been so therapeutic for me as well as I know they'll always have the voice of their mommy with them.
Since they were born, I've been preparing my kids to be resilient. I talk with my five year old every time I get home from the hospital and he sees the bruises from the IVs.
But I think the most important thing I've done for them is to create a journal of their lives. I write about every silly thing they've done, how much they weighed at doctors appointments, how they did great in a soccer game and a lot of my feelings of how much I love them. My son had 200 pages so far and my daughter has 100 . It's my way to be with them when I might not physically be here for them. I hope one day, if I'm not here, and my daughter or son has a sixteen month old and needs advice, then they can check what mommy wrote about them at that age and also find all the love notes I'm leaving in it. I hope this helps them but it has been so therapeutic for me as well as I know they'll always have the voice of their mommy with them.
296
For my son's 37th birthday gift, I went through my journals and chose to give him a record of personal vignettes from his 1-10 years. It's a treasure that I happen to read often.
5
When my boys were 3 and 5, I was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and my fantasy was to see them graduate from high school. The lessons I sought to impart were for them to be willing to feel, aware of their feelings, navigate them in a skillful way, and participate in the truth of their lives as an operating philosophy. I also wanted them to have a strong work ethic to ensure their survival. It's been 17 years now and despite all evidence to the contrary, miracles happen.
11
Beautiful!
1
My daughter's good friend list her mother at birth. The spiritual struggle this must engender - "Did I kill her?"- - leaves us all struggling in the wake of a woman we never knew.
When small I took the two girls to the zoo, and the child had a very horrid temper tantrum when I refused to buy her a toy. We all know we shouldn't spoil them, so it was the obvious thing to do. But it was not at all easy. It made me wonder if we shouldn't just spoil them all rotten since the only guarantee is that life will beat them down plenty.
Keep going. Persist.
When small I took the two girls to the zoo, and the child had a very horrid temper tantrum when I refused to buy her a toy. We all know we shouldn't spoil them, so it was the obvious thing to do. But it was not at all easy. It made me wonder if we shouldn't just spoil them all rotten since the only guarantee is that life will beat them down plenty.
Keep going. Persist.
44
This is an excellent article but it overlooks one thing that many single parents live through: the loss of the late spouse's income and the subsequent decline in the family's standard of living. For families who are just making it the trauma of losing a home, a school, friends, and a neighborhood can be overwhelming. In these cases resilience is irrelevant due to what may have been happening all along. Having wealth provides one with a cushion that allows for the processing of grief. In neighborhoods where there are always victims of some sort of tragedy resilience is often replaced by despair, numbness, and later on, cynicism.
On a personal note I can say that resilience goes only so far when your life isn't working despite your best efforts to make it work. When you are downsized on jobs, lose medical coverage and can't afford to take care of yourself, are told to hide your self, your work experience, your age, in short who you are to get a job and then criticized again for not being able to find a job, being resilient is hard. So is hoping. Our society needs to change how it views people having a difficult time whether they are children or adults. In other words, a bit more sympathy and understanding about how life can wreck plans rather than blame for not thinking of every possibility or every choice a person makes based on the information they have would help.
One can remain resilient only when it's accompanied by some positive results.
On a personal note I can say that resilience goes only so far when your life isn't working despite your best efforts to make it work. When you are downsized on jobs, lose medical coverage and can't afford to take care of yourself, are told to hide your self, your work experience, your age, in short who you are to get a job and then criticized again for not being able to find a job, being resilient is hard. So is hoping. Our society needs to change how it views people having a difficult time whether they are children or adults. In other words, a bit more sympathy and understanding about how life can wreck plans rather than blame for not thinking of every possibility or every choice a person makes based on the information they have would help.
One can remain resilient only when it's accompanied by some positive results.
77
I can see that we share a life experience, about which you eloquently write. These days I’ve reached an age where I can simply say, “I’m retired”, which has brought more relief than all the perky thinking strategies suggested such as, “when you’re given lemons, make lemonade!”. My tart answer was, “Not if you don’t have any sugar”.
19
I am pleased that Ms. Sandberg has managed a way to navigate through her and her family's grief, but really, this is all common sense to those of us who have raised children. "Mattering," "companioning," etc. are all just fancy terms for being a good parent.
I did have one question: why did it take an outsider -- in this case, a former teacher -- to rescue the young boy whose robot was destroyed by bullies? Why did a former teacher have to spend time with the boy? Where were the boy's parents?
At work, I'd guess, making lots and lots of money to support their lavish lifestyle.
I did have one question: why did it take an outsider -- in this case, a former teacher -- to rescue the young boy whose robot was destroyed by bullies? Why did a former teacher have to spend time with the boy? Where were the boy's parents?
At work, I'd guess, making lots and lots of money to support their lavish lifestyle.
7
This is very good and very sensitive advice. I do not have much to add, even though I lost a husband to cancer when our two sons were only seven and nine. One thing I can add from our experience: if death is going to come from a disease such as cancer, be truthful to the children. Mine now tell me how helpful it was that I did not lie when they asked whether their father was going to die (he had terminal and very painful cancer of the nasopharynx). It would have been impossible to lie, since his pain was apparent to all -- in those days before we had Hospice. By being truthful, I seem to have kept their trust -- even though the actual death was still very painful to us all when it came. He had been a good father who had spent much time with them, and the loss was a keen one, but at least no one had misrepresented the case to them. Children in distress can bear truth, and they want it.
12
I am so tired of reading how Sheryl Sandberg is "out of touch" or her advice is "irrelevant" to large swaths of the population. I could not believe the harsh, negative reaction to her book, especially by women. I can't think of a single male business leader, many who have written books, who have received the same fate. Indeed, sexism is alive and well. I am not a COO, wealthy, or particularly ambitious. But when I read Lean In, and this article I can take her advice and experiences, use a little imagination and apply them to my career and to the way I parent my kids. I am not sure why there seems to be this constant need to remind Sheryl Sandberg that she has more resources than the average woman. She knows. These constant rebukes not only scream sexism to me, given her male counterparts have not received the same criticism, they scream resentment, especially among her female critics. As a gender, we have to ask ourselves why.
27
Character in children differs child to child. Some are very independent; others much more needy. I contemplate the problems esp. those of boys in schools -- stemming from the need to move or problems focusing. (I experienced that once in my own lif, when I simply could not get my brain to work.. Thank heavens a single dose of Ritalin helped me find my "thought center." Everyone needs what is called resilience and community (not everyone has a supportive nuclear family).We all need to be supportive, respetful , kind (a la Ellen) to other p, eople -- in the current political situation now more than ever. And clubs, churches, community building activities are all essential in this. On this note, aren't there groups for families that have lost a significant member? Perhaps this is the 10-12 session evidence based (huh?) group that is referred to in the article that apparently have been studied as to their long term effects? (However, people who are willing to participate already have a leg up. This would not be double-blind.
BTW no mention of pets here -- are there pets? very impt to kids.
BTW no mention of pets here -- are there pets? very impt to kids.
2
A lovely, courageous, and useful column. I would emphasize that positive reinforcements are necessary but not sufficient: kids need specific examples and guidelines for socialization, actions they can take to make friends and deal with bullies in particular. The teacher mentioned in the article who helped the withdrawn boy make new friends is a sterling example. Telling a kid he or she is great isn't enough. You have to show them how to interact positively, especially if they're experiencing problems.
6
As the mother of a dyslexic who went on to graduate from a U.S. Service Academy, endurance in a child is critical for their success. Having experiences when they fail but pick themselves up and try again are necessary so that they taste failure but know that they can restart and try again. And grieving is another form of loss or stress that can be survived. Give them time, either with their grief or with their struggles in overcoming or dealing with life's obstacles.
3
Ms. Sandberg's writing about resilience in children after loss places enormous pressure on her children to hide whatever problems they will have lest they feel they have failed to be 'resilient' or made their mother seem like a failure to the world. That is an unfair burden to place, intentionally or not, on one's children.
11
You must have missed the part in the article about the family rules Ms. Sandberg and her children developed. They're given the freedom to express their feelings, sadness and anger in their grief. And to ask for help. That lifts the burden by not having to tamp down the pain, and knowing that others will understand, accept and support those children to grow their resilience.
4
Hard as it is to step outside of themselves at that moment, a child who is being bullied needs to understand that bullies are frequently "mean", because they are themselves caught up in their own web of neediness and destructive situations and are acting out as a way to make themselves feel better. Something is desperately wrong with a child who bullies others. It's not personal, so much as a way for the bully to himself/herself feel needed and accepted by acting out. In addition to telling our own children that they are very loved, and not alone as they face the world, it's also important to help them understand that they are not actually the real target.
2
Bullies bully for many reasons. Some are troubled, some are turning around what's been done to them, and some are just mean kids who will grow up to be mean adults.
6
As someone who’s lost a beloved wife, written an award-winning grief memoir, led workshops at bereavement conferences and volunteered for the past 5 years at a free children’s bereavement camp, Camp Erin NYC, run by the COPE Foundation (www.copefoundation.org), I want to add one thing missing from Ms. Sandberg’s Op-Ed.
The importance normalizing the grieving child’s experience. On some level, they feel their life is ruined. Grieving the loss of their mother or father, brother or sister, their lives are shattered, their dreams gone. At school, they feel different…and ultimately alone.
But at camp, they're surrounded by other grieving children who understand their pain and share the terrible rupture in their lives. Suddenly they’re not different, not alone.
I and the founder of COPE have wanted to create a book for grieving children that would consist of quotes from celebrities who suffered a childhood loss. If bereaved children knew that many of their idols had been like them, it would be an inspiring example. If grieving children could see that their heroes weren’t broken by their losses, it would give them hope that their own lives were not irretrievably broken and that they can still realize their dreams.
We’ve compiled a list of hundreds of celebrities. Ms. Sandberg, perhaps you would help us with your considerable celebrity and access to create this healing project for grieving children. Contact: [email protected]
The importance normalizing the grieving child’s experience. On some level, they feel their life is ruined. Grieving the loss of their mother or father, brother or sister, their lives are shattered, their dreams gone. At school, they feel different…and ultimately alone.
But at camp, they're surrounded by other grieving children who understand their pain and share the terrible rupture in their lives. Suddenly they’re not different, not alone.
I and the founder of COPE have wanted to create a book for grieving children that would consist of quotes from celebrities who suffered a childhood loss. If bereaved children knew that many of their idols had been like them, it would be an inspiring example. If grieving children could see that their heroes weren’t broken by their losses, it would give them hope that their own lives were not irretrievably broken and that they can still realize their dreams.
We’ve compiled a list of hundreds of celebrities. Ms. Sandberg, perhaps you would help us with your considerable celebrity and access to create this healing project for grieving children. Contact: [email protected]
13
My dad passed away in 1959 when I was 5 years old. My mom was left with 4 small children to raise by herself at 27 years of age. After my mom passed away more than a decade ago I spoke to my siblings about our relationship with her and we all agree that none of us got any personal attention from her. She was too busy making a living and raising 4 kids by herself to spend time with any of us individually. She treated us like a group. But she was kind to us, provided a good life for us, and took us camping every summer. I suffered terribly for about a year after my dad passed away and never spoke in depth to anyone about it. But I was lucky because I had some good friends who helped me, simply by being good friends. In most respects I think I was a normal kid; but I always felt different - the kid without a dad. It was a lot less common to grow up without a dad back then. It wasn’t until recently that I learned that I grew up with an unconscious fear of intimacy - a mental condition linked to the loss of a parent at a young age. From what I have read, that could have been avoided with proper attention, including the things the author did with her own kids. I often wonder how my life would have been different if I had received that kind of attention after my dad passed away.
26
Obviously the loss of a partner/father is devastating to any family. It is great the Ms. Sandberg is reaching out to help others based on her experience.
That being said she kind of loses me when she talks about "Flying home (from vacation) to tell my 7-year-old daughter and 10-year-old ..."
Why would parents leave their young children behind when they go on vacation. In my middle class peer group this is unheard off. So when she talks about showing kids that they matter, a good start would be prioritizing them when it comes to family activities like vacations, and dinners, and sports activities.
That being said she kind of loses me when she talks about "Flying home (from vacation) to tell my 7-year-old daughter and 10-year-old ..."
Why would parents leave their young children behind when they go on vacation. In my middle class peer group this is unheard off. So when she talks about showing kids that they matter, a good start would be prioritizing them when it comes to family activities like vacations, and dinners, and sports activities.
17
I think that a healthy couple should take some vacations without their children. It helps them remember who they are as a dyad and also shows the kids that Mom and Dad have a relationship which came before them and will (hopefully) remain after the kids are grown.
12
I'm sure lots of parents travel without their children. (I suppose I'm middle class, or used to be.) I'm about to go on a trip for almost two weeks without my three year old (she'll be staying with her grandparents, who are happy to spend time with their sole grandchild). It's called a well needed break!
12
Parents can prioritize their kids AND go off on vacations on their own so they can prioritize their marriage. Both relationships are important and need nurturing.
6
While I agree with MIMA that we don't need a whole army of people to be invested in our kids, it's really helpful to have a village. The more people who are connected to our kids, who care about them, who provide a safe place to go to when things are hard at home, the better for them. To create that, we will need to change the way we parent, believing the nuclear family is the best way to raise kids; it isn't (and never really was). Throughout history, parents had lots of help — alloparents in the hunter-gather days, othermothers and fictive kin for African-American families who were torn apart during slavery, wet nurses and nannies for the wealthy, multigenerational households for many. Even J.D. Vance in "Hillbilly Elegy" spoke of how important it was to have someone else to give him love and stability that wasn't based on a parent's romantic life. We could create that kind of society, a society of caregivers/mentors — what I call carenting. Kids from all backgrounds would become more resilient, and there would be more safety nets for at-risk families. In other words, everyone would benefit.
4
Thank you Sheryl (may I call you Sheryl?). Much of this is so very important. Many comments centered around the author's wealth and her out-of-the-ordinary ability to find & pay for resources most of us can’t imagine. Some wisely point out that the thrust of this op-ed is not about throwing money at problems. Insight, empathy, love, kindness, and being honest and caring, and allowing others to be just that is what matters most.
One critically missing part that might help still the criticism of being a billionaire-in-grief is to firmly acknowledge life’s necessities while still trying to help our kids (and others) find their way. Like physical pain, some problems suck all the air out of the room; you simply cannot think beyond it. For those without even modest resources and stability, the overwhelming, air-sucking realities of just providing food and shelter can be so all-consuming, all-encompassing that no other thoughts can get through the mire. Like physical pain, it dominates everything. This piece is positive and worthy of more thought and practice, be that a tragic loss of a parent or the destruction of a precious robot. But sometimes the most loving and devoted person, say the surviving parent working 3 jobs and still in poverty, can't find the space or words or time to sit and talk about all that Sheryl suggests, albeit important advice. Had she immediately acknowledged that, this piece would resonate with more, without the wrongful criticism of elitism.
One critically missing part that might help still the criticism of being a billionaire-in-grief is to firmly acknowledge life’s necessities while still trying to help our kids (and others) find their way. Like physical pain, some problems suck all the air out of the room; you simply cannot think beyond it. For those without even modest resources and stability, the overwhelming, air-sucking realities of just providing food and shelter can be so all-consuming, all-encompassing that no other thoughts can get through the mire. Like physical pain, it dominates everything. This piece is positive and worthy of more thought and practice, be that a tragic loss of a parent or the destruction of a precious robot. But sometimes the most loving and devoted person, say the surviving parent working 3 jobs and still in poverty, can't find the space or words or time to sit and talk about all that Sheryl suggests, albeit important advice. Had she immediately acknowledged that, this piece would resonate with more, without the wrongful criticism of elitism.
18
There seems to be a lot of resentment towards Sheryl Sandberg (and her significant loss) owing to the fact that she is rich and powerful. As if money mitigates grief. It doesn't.
On the other hand, there does seem to be something annoyingly arid about the essay. Pardon the obvious pun but it reads almost like an algorithm: if you do this, then that will happen; if you don't do that then this will happen. And the stakes involved seem so dire: childhood depression, substance abuse, isolation, mental illness and so on.
Children are by nature resilient. They have to be not only out of necessity but out of their humanity. We humans are hardwired this way. But in todays zeitgeist everyone is a victim-of-something rather than a participant-in-life. The opinion pieces and slice-of-life essays of the Times, well-meaning to be sure, are so often overtly or otherwise odes to victimhood.
Two examples from Sunday: Mark Oppenheimer is offended that people refer to him as being "Jewish" rather than being a "Jew." Frank Bruni is incensed over the fact that thirty years ago the obituaries of the renowned chef, James Beard, did not mention he was gay. And of course Nicholas Kristof is in a league of his own as the designator victim-maker. By all means, let's take care of one another. Let's champion equal rights for all people. But also let's get off the victim bandwagon. It's dividing us and its weakening us.
On the other hand, there does seem to be something annoyingly arid about the essay. Pardon the obvious pun but it reads almost like an algorithm: if you do this, then that will happen; if you don't do that then this will happen. And the stakes involved seem so dire: childhood depression, substance abuse, isolation, mental illness and so on.
Children are by nature resilient. They have to be not only out of necessity but out of their humanity. We humans are hardwired this way. But in todays zeitgeist everyone is a victim-of-something rather than a participant-in-life. The opinion pieces and slice-of-life essays of the Times, well-meaning to be sure, are so often overtly or otherwise odes to victimhood.
Two examples from Sunday: Mark Oppenheimer is offended that people refer to him as being "Jewish" rather than being a "Jew." Frank Bruni is incensed over the fact that thirty years ago the obituaries of the renowned chef, James Beard, did not mention he was gay. And of course Nicholas Kristof is in a league of his own as the designator victim-maker. By all means, let's take care of one another. Let's champion equal rights for all people. But also let's get off the victim bandwagon. It's dividing us and its weakening us.
27
I don't know if it's resentment or simple disinterest. I know I find it tiresome when one of life's occurrences happens to someone famous/successful (birth, death, divorce, etc.) and they suddenly become "experts," appearing everywhere telling the rest of us how to act in similar straights.
I'm sorry, but this is what friends and family are for. I don't harbor any ill will toward Ms. Sandberg and wish her well, but really, is her husband's early death at some luxury resort any more tragic or are her observations any more enlightening than your widowed neighbor down the street who didn't get a book deal out of it?
I'm sorry, but this is what friends and family are for. I don't harbor any ill will toward Ms. Sandberg and wish her well, but really, is her husband's early death at some luxury resort any more tragic or are her observations any more enlightening than your widowed neighbor down the street who didn't get a book deal out of it?
38
You wrote: "Is her husband's early death at some luxury resort any more tragic or are her observations any more enlightening than your widowed neighbor down the street who didn't get a book deal out of it?"
No. But celebrity is America's royalty. They get to be important to more people than the average citizen. The widow down the street might have something profound to say about her husband's death but the celebrity gets the book deal. If the simple widow was offered a book deal you can be sure she would take it too. In fact, there are no doubt thousands of self-published books just like Ms. Sandberg's. Maybe you should read a few to test your theory that wisdom abounds in those pages.
No. But celebrity is America's royalty. They get to be important to more people than the average citizen. The widow down the street might have something profound to say about her husband's death but the celebrity gets the book deal. If the simple widow was offered a book deal you can be sure she would take it too. In fact, there are no doubt thousands of self-published books just like Ms. Sandberg's. Maybe you should read a few to test your theory that wisdom abounds in those pages.
9
So, um, what happened to the camp bullies? This example of why kids need to feel that they matter only tells half the story: how and why he came to feel so wretched. What did his parents do in response? When your child is picked on you better be prepared to fight back for them. The end result of not fighting back against such power inequities is a political culture that rips off everyone but billionaires and millionaires. This commentary is about her family but does Sandburg think that only children suffer from such losses? We need to build resilience in everyone in order to have a resilient society. We don't do nearly enough. Perhaps we just don't care enough or think it costs too much money.
4
Most single parents are not so lucky as Ms Sandberg to have a support structure to lean on to help children see a way forward through adversity. As most people, most times, we all just stumble, get up , try something else, and experiment ways that make life more manageable for our children and ourselves.
Used to be that children's universe was restricted to their nuclear family, and their teacher. Not any more, these days kids get information, their inputs, from well beyond the home - from friends, other relatives, and of course, Kids TV and the Internet - and, no, it is not all bad.
My kids ask for the new PBS kids shows, and ask to be taken to the library. They are not interested in many of my intellectual hobbies, even as I try for them to be. And, of course, Star Wars provides the religious education in choosing the Way of the Force, of the Jedi, and rejecting the Dark Side, despite the many temptations.
Parents are only providers of nourishment and enforcers of what is eventually learned elsewhere - to paraphrase what was said about teaching - Parenting may be almost useless, except in those happy circumstances when it is almost superfluous.
Used to be that children's universe was restricted to their nuclear family, and their teacher. Not any more, these days kids get information, their inputs, from well beyond the home - from friends, other relatives, and of course, Kids TV and the Internet - and, no, it is not all bad.
My kids ask for the new PBS kids shows, and ask to be taken to the library. They are not interested in many of my intellectual hobbies, even as I try for them to be. And, of course, Star Wars provides the religious education in choosing the Way of the Force, of the Jedi, and rejecting the Dark Side, despite the many temptations.
Parents are only providers of nourishment and enforcers of what is eventually learned elsewhere - to paraphrase what was said about teaching - Parenting may be almost useless, except in those happy circumstances when it is almost superfluous.
4
It's a shame that the most highly recommended comments are so bitter toward Ms. Sandburg. I'm not the biggest fan of Lean In, but her insights here are valuable regardless of how much money she has. Nothing here mentioned as means to build resilience and make children feel they matter depends on extreme wealth. So, I welcome Ms. Sandburg's insights into how to cope with adversity. Remember, she has the resources to turn to the experts and get the best info. And she's sharing what she learned in doing so. So, thanks, Ms. Sandburg. And well wishes to you and your family.
462
Pointing out inequities in financial and career realities detrimentally impact childrens' access to excellent mental health care isn't "bitter". Social determinants of health are very real in the US, and I will give pediatricians and psychologists who try to mitigate the social determinants in their practices more credence than Ms. Sandberg. The more we pretend that net worth and class are irrelevant--the wider the disparities will grow.
9
As one who lost my father at an early age, I would say that Ms. Sandburg is doing many things right to help her children adjust and deal with a loss that will be with them all of their lives. For that, she is to be commended.
Now that she is more acutely aware of the things that make a positive difference for children dealing with loss and trauma, I hope she will use her considerable resources, energy, and influence with political decision makers to help less privileged children in our communities who deal with loss, trauma, and even PTSD every single day of their lives. Simple things like affordable day care, living wages and humane work schedules, and access to affordable mental health care all could help the parents, and by extension, the children of the millions of struggling families in our nation.
Now that she is more acutely aware of the things that make a positive difference for children dealing with loss and trauma, I hope she will use her considerable resources, energy, and influence with political decision makers to help less privileged children in our communities who deal with loss, trauma, and even PTSD every single day of their lives. Simple things like affordable day care, living wages and humane work schedules, and access to affordable mental health care all could help the parents, and by extension, the children of the millions of struggling families in our nation.
38
As a therapist who worked with underserved families as well as providing grief counseling for children, I applaud Ms. Sandburg's efforts to learn about grief, support her children through a very difficult time and plan specific steps to provide opportunities for connection and remembering. So bravo.
What I understand less well is why Ms. Sandberg is now qualified to co-write an advice book to other parents. Her situation is personal and unique and her knowledge is not deep. It is, frankly, tone deaf to allude to the challenges of poverty, abuse, absent and jailed parents etc. and then pivot to the idea that the solution for all children is to make them feel they "matter".
Yes, feeling you matter builds resilience. But if you live in poverty, are hungry, attend an unsafe, failing school, have no preschool, are lead poisoned, witnessed your father harm your mother, saw your parent jailed, lost a parent to AIDS or murder, or are being sexually, physically or emotionally abused, then feeling you matter will need to come after feeling you are safe, achieving food security, receiving basic, adequate health care and having a secure relationship with a trustworthy caring adult. Finding out you are not the only one to whom these things happened is also critical.
This book might be very helpful for some. But Ms. Sandberg should stay away from discussing poverty, abuse or jailed parents. The needs of our most vulnerable children deserve a much deeper, broader response.
What I understand less well is why Ms. Sandberg is now qualified to co-write an advice book to other parents. Her situation is personal and unique and her knowledge is not deep. It is, frankly, tone deaf to allude to the challenges of poverty, abuse, absent and jailed parents etc. and then pivot to the idea that the solution for all children is to make them feel they "matter".
Yes, feeling you matter builds resilience. But if you live in poverty, are hungry, attend an unsafe, failing school, have no preschool, are lead poisoned, witnessed your father harm your mother, saw your parent jailed, lost a parent to AIDS or murder, or are being sexually, physically or emotionally abused, then feeling you matter will need to come after feeling you are safe, achieving food security, receiving basic, adequate health care and having a secure relationship with a trustworthy caring adult. Finding out you are not the only one to whom these things happened is also critical.
This book might be very helpful for some. But Ms. Sandberg should stay away from discussing poverty, abuse or jailed parents. The needs of our most vulnerable children deserve a much deeper, broader response.
322
Ellie, perhaps you could invite Sheryl Sandberg to co-author a more comprehensive work or, better yet--a highly readable and inviting version for parents in more challenged socioeconomic circumstances, and importantly, for parents who do not have a strong reading habit? A book that is concise, attractive, inexpensive, and uses plain language could be stocked by counselors, social workers, physicians, and others.
5
I disagree entirely. I see kids who are older and have come out the other side of horrible experiences with success. For some reason, they have been able to convince themselves that they can matter -- maybe not much at the time, but as adults, they will matter. That has given them a belief that they must survive and work to get in a position to matter.
Sometimes, the impact of a teacher is obvious. Sometimes, it is a religious community or a parent or grandparent. Often, though, it isn't clear why they developed what probably seemed like an irrational belief in their ability to matter. Nonetheless, it is that belief that came first, that gave them the strength to struggle and the will to navigate a very difficult life. Perhaps if Sandberg had used the term "self-esteem" instead of "matter", I think her article would have seemed more obvious, because there is a lot of work that shows that self-esteem leads to a host of positive behaviors even in difficult circumstances.
Sometimes, the impact of a teacher is obvious. Sometimes, it is a religious community or a parent or grandparent. Often, though, it isn't clear why they developed what probably seemed like an irrational belief in their ability to matter. Nonetheless, it is that belief that came first, that gave them the strength to struggle and the will to navigate a very difficult life. Perhaps if Sandberg had used the term "self-esteem" instead of "matter", I think her article would have seemed more obvious, because there is a lot of work that shows that self-esteem leads to a host of positive behaviors even in difficult circumstances.
Ms. Sandberg wrote a book about her experience of grief and is sharing what helped her and her children. Why do people like you require her to solve the entire world's problems with a single book? Do you require that of other authors of books on niche topics as well? Or just rich successful female authors?
5
Thank you, Sheryl. Ideas in this piece can help us all build resilience, whatever our challenges. To critics in this comment section: I assume Sheryl knew she would receive the sniping and she sees the envy.
6
Having worked as an elementary school counselor for almost 20 years, i can agree with most everything that Ms. Sandberg writes. Depending on their developmental level, children grieve in ways significantly different from the manner in which adults grieve. Well-meaning care-givers must recognize these differences and act accordingly. Not everyone has access to a friend who happens to be a professor and/or psychologist. However, most schools have persons who are knowledgeable about grief counseling. Children are resilient beings. Kindness, listening, empathy and understanding can do wonders for a wounded soul.
11
Beautifully written. My tears are unashamedly running down my cheeks.
3
2 years ago my husband died... we had 2 children, a girl and a boy... similar... and yet very different story. We were in the middle of a divorce when he found out he had pancreatic cancer, we stopped the divorce... and he died 10 moths later...
Our children were 19 and 23... there never is a good moment to lose a father... and like your children they have had to deal with so much, and that fear of forgetting or of moving forward...
I agree with you that friends, specialists and counselors help, they were essential to us. It is very difficult to help them as we deal with our own feelings and grief...
But I think, and from what I read in your text, that our children, yours and mine, have been lucky in having strong women as mothers... locomotive-moms who have pulled them forward...
Our children were 19 and 23... there never is a good moment to lose a father... and like your children they have had to deal with so much, and that fear of forgetting or of moving forward...
I agree with you that friends, specialists and counselors help, they were essential to us. It is very difficult to help them as we deal with our own feelings and grief...
But I think, and from what I read in your text, that our children, yours and mine, have been lucky in having strong women as mothers... locomotive-moms who have pulled them forward...
17
Thank you for sharing Sheryl. This is a lovely piece.
7
Thank you Sheryl for sharing your experience and strength. We just lost someone very special, and your words provide comfort and hope. I commend you for expressing your feelings, and make them available to others that might be going through the same sense of loss.
5
Outsiders who saw me in 1952 might say I was "stricken" with polio. From my perspective over 60 years later, I would say I was graced with polio. Sure, it was a difficult struggle to learn to walk again, to adapt and overcome, but I did gain resilience.
When facing a difficult exam in medical school (see, I told you I overcame things) and watching my classmates agonize over the questions, I did my best and turned in my paper, leaving the exam site even a bit early. I thought to myself, "In paralysis, I have seen worse than even failing this exam or even failing out of med school". I thought it would do me more good to spend that 15 minutes walking in the school's garden, which I did. I did graduate and spent over 40 years in practice.
What we think are life's disasters be they illness, death or financial loss can come to be understood as touchstones to achievement with the next struggle, and the next, and the next...
When facing a difficult exam in medical school (see, I told you I overcame things) and watching my classmates agonize over the questions, I did my best and turned in my paper, leaving the exam site even a bit early. I thought to myself, "In paralysis, I have seen worse than even failing this exam or even failing out of med school". I thought it would do me more good to spend that 15 minutes walking in the school's garden, which I did. I did graduate and spent over 40 years in practice.
What we think are life's disasters be they illness, death or financial loss can come to be understood as touchstones to achievement with the next struggle, and the next, and the next...
28
Totally agree.
2
God bless you, Ms Sandberg. So sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family all the best.
6
I really appreciated this essay.
No matter what tragedy or adversity we (all) face, many of us want to matter, to make a difference, and to contribute in some meaningful way. The death of a loved one is the most powerful reset of those values.
Teaching children, whether they're yours or someone else's, that perseverance is a choice is an invaluable early-life lesson.
Regaining joy after a crisis does not betray or deny the memory of our heartbreak, just as deeply penetrating sadness is not permanent or a sign of weakness or vulnerability. The heart heals. The strength returns.
Everyone will experience this in their own way, and in their own time. Its not just children who need to be told that they matter, or encouraged to listen to their own voice through the thunderstorm of tears.
No matter what tragedy or adversity we (all) face, many of us want to matter, to make a difference, and to contribute in some meaningful way. The death of a loved one is the most powerful reset of those values.
Teaching children, whether they're yours or someone else's, that perseverance is a choice is an invaluable early-life lesson.
Regaining joy after a crisis does not betray or deny the memory of our heartbreak, just as deeply penetrating sadness is not permanent or a sign of weakness or vulnerability. The heart heals. The strength returns.
Everyone will experience this in their own way, and in their own time. Its not just children who need to be told that they matter, or encouraged to listen to their own voice through the thunderstorm of tears.
6
As a nurse who has worked in the hospice field for decades, this is a refreshingly good op piece. And we need more discussion about this. Kids have a difficult time after loss because there is no good direction on how to help them. Grief is complex and different for everyone. No one goes through "stages" of grieving in a certain order. The best advice I have given parents is to allow your kids to miss their loved one. They do not have to "move on". There is really is no such thing as moving on, in my opinion. Life goes on, but you take your loss with you. Many kids fear bringing up how sad they are or how much they miss someone because they are too afraid of upsetting their surviving parent. I have even witnessed, more times than I could have imagined, loved ones telling kids to buck up and be brave because no one wants them to be sad. So they internalize it. This has terrible outcomes. The best advice, and it is in a lot of what you wrote here, is to let them talk. Let them feel sad. Let them be upset because for the Dad/daughter dance they do not have a dad. Let them skip it. It is healthy to avoid sometimes. Seriously, we need to allow a dialogue about death and loss of any type. Our unrealistic idea that we all need to feel happy all the time is making us all mentally unhealthy.
The other day I was feeling sad because I missed my dad. He died in 2001. I was 41 at the time. Someone said to me, you're not past that yet? No I am not. You do not outgrow missing someone.
The other day I was feeling sad because I missed my dad. He died in 2001. I was 41 at the time. Someone said to me, you're not past that yet? No I am not. You do not outgrow missing someone.
297
Having worked, for 30 years, as a mental health provider for young children, I have experienced first hand this concept of resilience. The children I worked with lived in families from all walks of life-single parents with limited incomes and minimal education to two-parent families with strong financial and educational supports. Research suggests that there are factors less tangible, than the article describes, about a child's ability to be resilient, and that some children may be born internally more or less resilient, despite the circumstances they are born in to. Or children may be more or less responsive to external supports and interventions. These are critical considerations for research. I've worked with children, now successful adults, who would have every reason and excuse to demonstrate limited resilience, yet they thrived. A key factor, referenced in Ms. Sandberg's piece, was a community of caring adults, over years, combined with a child's seemingly innate ability to respond positively to adult connections. My best wishes to the Sandberg family, and all families experiencing loss, to have the emotional supports, now and across time, that they need.
14
Schools fail with this self-knowledge kind of resilience learning. They don't help kids find the intrinsic orientation to problem solving that would enhance their abilities of self determination. Unless or until we give our children less of a perfomance position in our inflexible factory structured schools too many children will continue to miss out on too many of the personal characteristics associated with a thoroughly functional personal resilience response.
8
The greatest burden for today's children are the schools. Modern school environments could be unwittingly subjecting children to unhealthy peer pressure and could be fuelling behavioral and mental health issues in children. Children have come to measure their own self-worth through peer popularity and peer opinions. In modern schools, the clamor for social popularity could be undermining academic excellence and pushing children into substance abuse, bullying, and risky behavior.
Not many realize that today’s popular educational and psychological attitudes are anti-intellectual. Many children and adults now view intellect and intellectual inclination as undesirable. Today, educators are more concerned about teaching so-called social and emotional skills than cultivating intellect or imparting subject knowledge. Pop psychology and self-help literature of 20th century convinced many that success in life is simply a matter of having an attractive personality or plentiful social skills, and that a quiet and intellectual disposition is an impediment to success. https://medium.com/@rs3/ad-astra-per-aspera-be7198657e3e
Not many realize that today’s popular educational and psychological attitudes are anti-intellectual. Many children and adults now view intellect and intellectual inclination as undesirable. Today, educators are more concerned about teaching so-called social and emotional skills than cultivating intellect or imparting subject knowledge. Pop psychology and self-help literature of 20th century convinced many that success in life is simply a matter of having an attractive personality or plentiful social skills, and that a quiet and intellectual disposition is an impediment to success. https://medium.com/@rs3/ad-astra-per-aspera-be7198657e3e
11
I'm in my mid-fifties with kids in public grade and middle school. My kids' teachers seem fine. Some better than others, but no better or worse than the way I remember my teachers went about their business. Much is made about the curriculum. No plan is perfect. We also had plenty of peer pressure as well as a healthy dose of parental criticism of teaching methods, etc. My kids's teachers, generally, care about their kids and do a good job. The rest is up to the kid . . . just like when we were in school.
Why didn't Adam Grant write this? Or Jamie Pennebaker? Or any group of people facing the same circumstance but with differing lifestyles and incomes? Or people who have gone on with resilience to share what worked as kids and into adulthood? Or kids who have coped and are resilient? Similar losses are fairly common. And where is the awareness of how little support there is for a widowed parent and their children that face loss of healthcare, income, community and beyond? As a "case study" this is too atypical.
34
Ms Sandberg did not need to use a cent of her money to develop ways for her and her children to cope with this devastating loss. She applied a fine mind, and a loving heart to the challenge. Bravo!
14
Great piece -- I've been there with my children. She's going to help a lot of people by telling her story.
12
From a Christian perspective we know that "pure religion . . is this, to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction." (James 1:27) Thanks to Ms. Sandberg for the privilege of visiting with her through this thoughtful and wise article. Condolences also for her and her children's wrenching loss. Having lost my father when I was a child, I treasure the few remaining artifacts and memories I have and daily wish that the family had kept and retold more of them.
7
No matter how many resources a person might have, grief is grief. Rich or poor, children are children and pain is universal. I have read several of Ms. Sandberg's writings about her experience of her husband's death and its aftermath. I have been moved by her courage, and yes, her vaulted position, to share her experience with a sudden and tragic death of a loved one. Very few people talk about the value of cultivating resilience. I hope that readers can look beyond her financial resources and find valuable takeaways in Ms. Sandburg's article.
30
Having experienced the loss of my wife, leaving me to be a single parent for an 11 year old boy and an 8 year old girl, I appreciate the good words Ms. Sandberg has written. I have done my best to follow a similar road, and the good results have been, to date: 2 wonderful adults who care about the world and about each other, who respect their spouses, and are living lives of worth (including 2 wonderful granddaughters). The little boy is now 38 and the little girl is now 35.......
26
Beautiful, thank you. I am a huge fan of you, Ms Sandburg - I think Lean In is one of the best how-to books ever written for young professional women, and I wish I had it to read 20 years ago when I was starting my career.
My brother died last year, and my 8 year old daughter has struggled at times with the loss of her beloved young uncle. We try to do many of the things Ms Sandburg suggests. But with a messy death and messy extended family (something I imagine poorer kids may have to deal with even more) , creating a narrative to help your child through grief to understanding is challenging. Ms Sandberg's words remind me not to stop trying.
Thank you, Ms Sandberg, for being open and using your tragedy to try to help others.
My brother died last year, and my 8 year old daughter has struggled at times with the loss of her beloved young uncle. We try to do many of the things Ms Sandburg suggests. But with a messy death and messy extended family (something I imagine poorer kids may have to deal with even more) , creating a narrative to help your child through grief to understanding is challenging. Ms Sandberg's words remind me not to stop trying.
Thank you, Ms Sandberg, for being open and using your tragedy to try to help others.
14
I think Ms.Sandberg wrote this book to help others, because she wants to matter. Not in a billionaire kind of way, not in a Facebook kind of way, but really matter. And for that I commend her. Yes, it is much easier gong through horrible loss with money. MUCH EASIER. But still, going by this essay, the advice given is one anyone can use. She didn't have to write this book. It was probably very painful to write, but doing so helps others and thus herself, in a good way.
20
Dear Ms. Sandberg, My intention in penning remarks here is to be constructive and to encourage you and others in your elite class to pay more attention to what I call the "Other America"...
I appreciate that your loss is very real to you and to your children. But as you can see in many of the comments below, you're not alone in your grief and there are hundreds of thousands of everyday people who, unfortunately, have suffered as have you.
The stark difference is that you have resources available to you and your class to make a positive difference in the lives of many of our citizens, our sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers. Yet, from my perspective, it seems that your class seeks ever and always to increase its wealth while denying basic needs of our citizenry...
You and others like you need to lead America away from our current politics of demonizing all who have a reasonable disagreement with your politics.
I ask you to do this not for you but for us.
I appreciate that your loss is very real to you and to your children. But as you can see in many of the comments below, you're not alone in your grief and there are hundreds of thousands of everyday people who, unfortunately, have suffered as have you.
The stark difference is that you have resources available to you and your class to make a positive difference in the lives of many of our citizens, our sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers. Yet, from my perspective, it seems that your class seeks ever and always to increase its wealth while denying basic needs of our citizenry...
You and others like you need to lead America away from our current politics of demonizing all who have a reasonable disagreement with your politics.
I ask you to do this not for you but for us.
31
I agree it is very important to tell children how much they are loved after the death of a parent. My father died when I was 3 years old and my brother was 18 months. I can remember thinking that my mother would be better off if she did not have us to deal with. She did nothing to create that notion in my mind. But it was there while I watched her struggling with my father's death.
6
I am sorry for Ms. Sandberg's loss and appreciate her caring and sharing her story, and wish her and her children the best. The older I get, the more I realize that God is the only sustaining source of a human being's self-worth. Looking to other people to validate one's existence will never satisfy. It's a shame that this aspect of belief is God is not understood. To everyone who will comment negatively: the truth is not P.C.
4
Many families cannot participate in 12 sessions, over six years to develop better stress responses. However, the book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People can be a starting point. Smalls schools within schools can create communities that help surround kids with a more supportive environment. This can be helpful for all kids, including those from disadvantaged situations.
7
It says "when families participate in these programs for 10 to 12 sessions COMMA over the next six years they have...". It's looking at the results within the next six years of having participated in 10-12 sessions prior.
Why are so many readers being resentful and harsh toward Ms. Sandburg? Money, power and status don't protect anyone from death and its ripple effects on children. Yes, her resources may make coping a little easier, but for her and those kids it has to be profoundly difficult and sad nonetheless. And as for the parents taking a vacation without their kids, I think this can be healthy for a couple, who should have a relationship outside of the kids. My wife and I would take occasional trips together, sans children, and then would also take family vacations. The children weren't scarred. I commend Ms. Sandburg for sharing her experience and insights, and I don't discount her advice one iota because she happens to be among the 1 percent. The 1 percent tend to be the smartest, most hard-working and most successful people in society, and we 99 percenters can learn from them if we don't begrudge their success.
121
Ummm, you were doing well until the end of your comment, BarryT. I assume that Ms. Sandberg is, indeed, an accomplished woman, although I'm not familiar with her particular background. And I am very sorry for her and her childrens' loss. But saying the 1 % seem to be the smartest and hardest working among us ignores that fact that nowadays (like in the gilded age), most in the 1% (and particularly those in the .01%) are there because they won the parental lottery, not because of their smarts are hard work. Think Trump and his kids, the Walmart heirs, etc.
26
Only time will heal the pain of the loss of a parent , independently of the economic status .
Children will need love , attention , they must be kept busy in creative chores amd their emptiness should be filled with good deeds.
Giving to the others will make them realize that life goes on .
Children will need love , attention , they must be kept busy in creative chores amd their emptiness should be filled with good deeds.
Giving to the others will make them realize that life goes on .
7
It would be a shame to wait for a traumatic episode like a death to proactively build confidence, independence and a realistic view of the world (e.g., not everyone will like you) into one's children. The world is not a smooth road; children need to understand that early with the security of a place where they are loved that they can return to after a tough experience.
20
Sad that most people is more worried about how rich she might be instead learning from her tough experience and use it to build a better society. More education and less policemen gentleman. The world would benefit from that too.
68
I am truly sorry for your loss and thankful for YOUR resilience and sharing.
I am sure your story will be a source for other families to start the rebuilding process and become mentally and emotionally healthy.
I am sure your story will be a source for other families to start the rebuilding process and become mentally and emotionally healthy.
34
Wow- alot of hate and envy coming ms . Sandberg' way. That is prejudice . Disturbing that some people are so blinded to great, useful advice because they dont like the author. I have the same " issues" with ms.sanberg but i was able to recognize the validity and value of what she shared. When my own brother died young leaving a young daughter, I too tried hard tio get up to speed, even though I am a clinical psycholigist, recognizing that experts in this partucular life challenge had much to offer. It is tragic that people would not recognize the tremendous gift Ms Sandberg has offered here . I had the urge to write a book when my brother died, it was titled "Eulogies for the Living," which I never finished. But it is healing to want to reach out and try to help others as a result of what you were forced by tragedy to learn. For what it is worth, i think that every detail that Ms Sanberg shared was substantively, right on the mark, and extremely useful regardless of socioeconomic position.
63
Thank you Sheryl for writing such a beautiful article.
37
I experienced the death of my brother, who was 3, and I was eight. It's a terrible experience at any age but particularly at a young age. My biggest advice is be supportive of kids at this age.
16
I do not understand the vitriol I see here. This is a lady who lost her husband in unimaginable circumstances. Should it matter that she's a billionaire? Does it make her grief poorer? Does it make her husband less dead? I do not see how what she wrote seems so out of place. Average earners, salaried folks, paper per hour folks, do take vacations without their kids. They also eat dinner with their kids.
This resonates with me also because my dad died suddenly and young. My youngest brother was only 7 AND my parents lived in America but we lived in Africa abd they left when he was much younger. My brother has got no memories of my dad. My mum was a single mother with 6 kids and we were able to join her later. This article resonates with her. We are all grown with college degrees and 4 with Masters. And do take vacations without kids. And are resilient and manage to have empathy for someone trying to lay her soul bare and help people. Pity she's getting snarky comments for it.
This resonates with me also because my dad died suddenly and young. My youngest brother was only 7 AND my parents lived in America but we lived in Africa abd they left when he was much younger. My brother has got no memories of my dad. My mum was a single mother with 6 kids and we were able to join her later. This article resonates with her. We are all grown with college degrees and 4 with Masters. And do take vacations without kids. And are resilient and manage to have empathy for someone trying to lay her soul bare and help people. Pity she's getting snarky comments for it.
120
It continues to amaze me that commentators lash out at anyone
who does not fit into their personal experience. Ms. Sandberg's honest, yet painful
thoughts have at least one element that everyone can appreciate.
We are living through troubling and perhaps dangerous times. I regret that even an
article on childrens' grief creates such polarization and vitriol.
who does not fit into their personal experience. Ms. Sandberg's honest, yet painful
thoughts have at least one element that everyone can appreciate.
We are living through troubling and perhaps dangerous times. I regret that even an
article on childrens' grief creates such polarization and vitriol.
15
I don’t see “snark” in the comments, rather people are simply pointing out that most of the population do not have the resources to begin to access the multiple strategies Ms. Sandberg discusses, starting with personal relationships with top flight professionals. Most comments containing criticism are prefaced with praise for Ms. Sandberg for sharing her insights.
14
Luckily, most parents and children do not have to live through the special and horrible loss of a spouse and parent. It is very different from anything you have ever handled as a parent. Except maybe drug addiction. There is no chapter in any parenting book that tells you how to tell your kids that their father is dead. My children's father was murdered 2.5 years ago. I don't have extraordinary resources. However, I did find out that there are people, resources out there that do not cost much or are free for children such as The Moyer Foundation https://moyerfoundation.org/ - because being able to meet, play, and talk to kids their own age about this personal tragedy is something they need and will help them heal. No matter their race, class, religion, etc.
46
Really? Are you really printing this? I would be much more interested to hear that Sandberg is contributing some of her money to help children who are being yanked from their mothers who have been deported. Or inner city children in foster care. Or children in Somalia. As adults, every one of us has experienced loss. Our children do not escape it. But not many people have the resources to consult world-reknown experts. If we are very, very lucky, we get to spend time with our children in safe, secure environments, and have enough food on the table to feed them adequately, and reasonable schools in which to educated them. While I am sure we are all sorry for Ms. Sandberg's loss, for the Times to be putting her forward (which, of course, is free advertising for her new book) as an expert in how to raise children is at best laughable and at worst deeply insulting and hurtful not only to its readers, but to the body politic. Part of the responsibility of the Times, even in "Opinion" is to maintain some grip on reality, especially in these challenging times. This is full out pandering to the ego of a compromised billionaire.
79
Sandberg was brave to share her experiences. Your snap judgment and misplaced indignation on how she's handling her grief and what she chooses to spend her money on is unflattering at best. She's trying to take care of her children; and she's trying to share the wisdom she knows she's had the good fortune to be able to access. Billionaire or not, it's generous and kind of her to shed light on this issue.
4
So basically the message is that a billionaire doesn't have a right to share some very useful insight to how
to teach resilience to small kids, confronted to a very tragic loss? You are right that children will experience loss, but not of their father, that is not normal (as it isn't to bury your child). We all know that can leave scarring consequences. If she is a billionaire, good for her, it is not that she inherit that money....
to teach resilience to small kids, confronted to a very tragic loss? You are right that children will experience loss, but not of their father, that is not normal (as it isn't to bury your child). We all know that can leave scarring consequences. If she is a billionaire, good for her, it is not that she inherit that money....
How do you know that Ms Sandberg isn't donating significant funds for social causes? If she mentioned that, you'd probably be complaining that she is advertising her generosity, and that you would expect her to be doing that.
Maybe you need lose your spouse or child to gain some perspective on the validity of her story. Or instead, maybe you could appreciate that she is on a journey that none of us would ever want to be on, and realize that we are already blessed, no matter our financial fortune.
Maybe you need lose your spouse or child to gain some perspective on the validity of her story. Or instead, maybe you could appreciate that she is on a journey that none of us would ever want to be on, and realize that we are already blessed, no matter our financial fortune.
6
Children managing adversity have to have a solid attachment before they can even talk, for these messages to be a effective. If the attachment is not secure, or does not progress, many of the interventions don't wok. A lot of money, so Mom doesn't feel completely stressed about survival helps a lot too.
14
Sheryl, if I were a typical NYTimes reader, I would say that your kids will survive because you are a millionaire; but that would be a cheap shot. You clearly put a lot of thought into your writing; and, although I cannot say I agree with it all, you are working hard at it. For me that's more than enough.
I don't know how many family dinners you need to miss to run Facebook...I know I missed more than I would like to be at the lower end of the Top 1%, so I cannot imagine the pressure you confront as a global executive. What I would encourage you to remember is that very few people get to the end of their lives wishing they had spent more time at work.
Dial back. No one wants to lose a partner, to death or even to serious illness that leaves them here but significantly changed in their ability to maintain their share of the responsibilities. You have enough to really free you from "working to live", and your kids will take much from your example and willingness to pivot in their direction after the loss of your husband. I hope you can enter a new dimension in sharing love that those of us who have experienced loss have found so meaningful.
I don't know how many family dinners you need to miss to run Facebook...I know I missed more than I would like to be at the lower end of the Top 1%, so I cannot imagine the pressure you confront as a global executive. What I would encourage you to remember is that very few people get to the end of their lives wishing they had spent more time at work.
Dial back. No one wants to lose a partner, to death or even to serious illness that leaves them here but significantly changed in their ability to maintain their share of the responsibilities. You have enough to really free you from "working to live", and your kids will take much from your example and willingness to pivot in their direction after the loss of your husband. I hope you can enter a new dimension in sharing love that those of us who have experienced loss have found so meaningful.
16
I read only your first sentence and then stopped because that opening clearly showed you to have some sort of bias. I am a longtime NYT reader and by no means a millionaire. I started reading the paper in high school when my history teacher recommended it as a way to build vocabulary and learn more about the world. My family couldn't afford the subscription, so I walked to the library when I could to read the paper there. When I got my first full-time job as a public school teacher (a millionaire's job track to be sure), I was proud to be able to have it delivered to my rent-controlled studio apartment. Money doesn't shield anyone from tragedy. I learned that by reading the NYT.
2
Sheryl -
Thank you for your column. There is more wisdom here than I can name. My own father died suddenly when I was 15. I soon discovered that few adults in my life talked about him with me.
At the time I took it as a cue to stuff my grief in silence. What I only came to see later was that many feared that they would "make me feel bad" if they spoke about him in front of me. All the while I was longing to hear stories about this man that I loved, who as a young teenager I was just coming to really know.
I hope that your words will help to break such silences for others. Thank you!
Thank you for your column. There is more wisdom here than I can name. My own father died suddenly when I was 15. I soon discovered that few adults in my life talked about him with me.
At the time I took it as a cue to stuff my grief in silence. What I only came to see later was that many feared that they would "make me feel bad" if they spoke about him in front of me. All the while I was longing to hear stories about this man that I loved, who as a young teenager I was just coming to really know.
I hope that your words will help to break such silences for others. Thank you!
49
I'm terribly saddened by Sandberg's family's loss. I would add one element to the steps needed to help kids build resilience in the face of such loss: the conviction that they are contributing substantively to the family's restoration.
Rich or poor, a parent ought to let the children know what is needed from them now. Each child should join the effort to rebuild. Sacrifice will be required. Much will be expected from each family member.
Sandburg writes meaningfully about assuring our children feel they matter. When they know they are playing a positive role in sustaining their family, they become aware that they are needed. They feel they matter because they do.
Rich or poor, a parent ought to let the children know what is needed from them now. Each child should join the effort to rebuild. Sacrifice will be required. Much will be expected from each family member.
Sandburg writes meaningfully about assuring our children feel they matter. When they know they are playing a positive role in sustaining their family, they become aware that they are needed. They feel they matter because they do.
19
Victor, your advice about giving family members a role in rebuilding and coping was the best part about reading all of this. I am taking your excellent advice.
6
The message to women in this article actually is: have a career yourself in case something happens to your husband. If you don't have resources all this advice is moot.
37
And you do need that or some way to earn money to take care of ourselves. And this is not to diss families when one partner stays st home. It's a mindset that reminds "I must know how to manage things " while alongside my partner. No one gets to pick when death will knock on the door.
We all benefit from being able to take care of ourselves. Relying on someone to be the caretaker can occur in any income bracket. And it's not healthy. Or self sustaining. Being self sufficient while in partnership, is a great gift you give to yourself first and then to your partner and then your kids.
Each one of us benefits by standing on our own two feet.
Not sure how her essay is only for those who don't have "resources." Resilience is not about money.
She taking about personal qualities, not money. Those are the resources that I read about here.
We all benefit from being able to take care of ourselves. Relying on someone to be the caretaker can occur in any income bracket. And it's not healthy. Or self sustaining. Being self sufficient while in partnership, is a great gift you give to yourself first and then to your partner and then your kids.
Each one of us benefits by standing on our own two feet.
Not sure how her essay is only for those who don't have "resources." Resilience is not about money.
She taking about personal qualities, not money. Those are the resources that I read about here.
2
Good God - losing a parent at any age, but especially as a young child, is horrific and it doesn't matter how much money you have. What has become of us that we cannot read a column about terrible loss and just empathize? Why must some people criticize the writer's position, wealth, looks, family, yada, yada? It's a very sad commentary about what we have become. The anonymity of hiding behind made-up initials or an alias seems to give people all kinds of license to criticize others or just be cruel. Reading comments on Facebook often makes me cringe - seeing how hateful people can be to strangers and how vicious people can be to others who don't think exactly the way they do. Please, people - can't we just be nice to one another?
Ms. Sandberg, thank you for writing this and trying to help others who are facing heartbreaking challenges. I hope you and your children continue to heal.
Ms. Sandberg, thank you for writing this and trying to help others who are facing heartbreaking challenges. I hope you and your children continue to heal.
425
I haven’t read anything “cruel” in these comments, but people who can’t stand criticism should not publish their opionions in the NYT. Hopefully, Ms. Sandberg has the required resilience to accept and ponder on constructive criticism.
14
... and the irony here is that Sandburg makes her money off the backs of children and adults addicted to social media and digital technology. Facebook is taking advertisement revenues from companies like NYT. It is the go-to source for fake news. It helped Trump win the election.
48
No, the irony is that the negative commentators can't look at simple advice and appreciate it. She's not recommending jetting off to Paris, she's reminding people that something as easy as paying attention to a kid can make a difference in how the child responds to difficult situations.
5
Sure its important to tell kids that they matter, to give them our undivided attention, and to listen to their problems no matter how trivial they may appear to be. But it's going to be really hard for these kids to reconcile the fact that their father died while their mom and dad were taking a vacation without them. My aim is not to be bitter, and I absolutely do not begrudge Ms. Sandburg her wealth or prominence - she has earned both these through sheer hard work. But i have seen only too many times how sad kids become when their parents as much as go to a movie or a dinner without them, leave alone a vacation. Once you have kids, how can you even fathom taking a break without them? The message is that parents come first, and that kids are a chore. So pardon if I say that this article is a bit superficial.
65
"Once you have kids, how can you even fathom taking a break without them? The message is that parents come first, and that kids are a chore."
I disagree. Please don't go down the road of making parents feel guilty for making time for one another. Romantic relationships are just as precious as parent-child ones, and in fact, I've observed that the parents who have regular date nights and take little vacations together are *happier* parents with strong family bonds because they take the time to enjoy their marriages as partners in it.
Also, yeah, when I was very little I missed my parents for maybe the first 10 minutes of them leaving to go out and see a movie (and this is when I was age 3 or under). Then, I had so much fun with whoever was staying with me, I forgot all about it! I don't think kids get as sad as you seem to think.
I disagree. Please don't go down the road of making parents feel guilty for making time for one another. Romantic relationships are just as precious as parent-child ones, and in fact, I've observed that the parents who have regular date nights and take little vacations together are *happier* parents with strong family bonds because they take the time to enjoy their marriages as partners in it.
Also, yeah, when I was very little I missed my parents for maybe the first 10 minutes of them leaving to go out and see a movie (and this is when I was age 3 or under). Then, I had so much fun with whoever was staying with me, I forgot all about it! I don't think kids get as sad as you seem to think.
8
It is good for most marriages for parents to take a break and vacation alone with each other! Good for the marriage is good for the kids!. Many not rich people do that! Sometimes they leave the kids with the grandparents or friends. I did that -- my kid had a blast.
9
My husband and I made a habit of taking short vacations without our kids...and, yes, plenty of childless movies and dinners, too. This is not a sign of bad parenting. To the contrary, maintaining a happy, healthy marriage is one of the best gifts we can give our kids.
15
I'm always so grateful when NYT commentators speak truth to power here. Whether it's a billionaire giving advice on grief to the 99%, or the NYT hiring a conservative writer, or the 1% taking their newborns to work & writing about it, my fellow commentators are not afraid to critique & criticize. Thank you. You usually say what I'm feeling, but more eloquently. The privileged have enough power as it is. Let us hold the NYT's feet to the fire & remind them that normal people (particularly those out here in the fly-over part) read the paper too.
478
Ms. Sandberg has suffered a greivous loss. I am impressed by her resilience and fortitude. But she is out of touch with how people live and the resources available to them. This makes her advice particularly out of place on coping with family tragedy. I do not want to take shots at her but perhaps she is not ideal to tell the masses how to manage. The clue that is troubling is that on that particular vacation her children were home with the help, not with her and her husband. Something that would never occur in my family at that stage. Something is off here. I suggest she stick to advice on social media. They do need help.
363
My sister is an accountant. So is her husband. They've got two kids. They go on vacation alone. So do some of my friends. I don't see anything eyebrow raising about it. You don't have to be a billionaire to afford a few days of vacation without your kids. I'm sick and tired of people taking potshots at Ms. Sandberg because she's rich. Grief is a great equalizer. Actually, I loved this piece. Thanks Ms. Sandberg.
57
I know plenty of parents of 7 and 10 olds who have taken vacations - with and without their kids. My parents did not have nannies nor did I go to day care but they did take some " away time" with each other now and again. It didn't make me feel less loved.
Sometimes we had family vacations, sometimes not. Why is Sandberg getting raked over the coals for taking a vacation with her husband?
Sometimes we had family vacations, sometimes not. Why is Sandberg getting raked over the coals for taking a vacation with her husband?
27
That jumped out at me, too. I'm lucky in that I haven't had to live through losing a parent or a partner, so my heart goes out to her and I can't presume to know anything about her experience. And she doesn't say why the kids were not with them, so maybe they weren't in fact "home with the help," but then again why weren't they with their parents on vacation?!
3
The death of her husband was certainly terrible for her and their children, but the fact is she has billions of dollars to help her raise her kids unlike millions of Americans (many African Americans) who live in neighborhoods beset by violence. In that context her story seems pretty trivial.
95
It the messages contained in her story can be used to help all those children who don't have the same financial resources, but can be given access to emotional resources
6
I see nothing in the column that is specific to Ms. Sandberg's social class, and I see no advice that couldn't be put to use in other contexts. The business she's in is problematic in many ways, but that doesn't lessen her family's grief or mean that she's unable to speak about it in a way that may help others.
Ms. Sandberg: My mother died when I was 4 and I am sorry that your children have also lost their father at such a young age. But - your children really need you now as a mom and Facebook (where you are COO) also has a lot of problems, primarily its role in the spread of fake news and illegal weapons - and its recent use as a medium for someone to live-stream the murder of an innocent person. Your husband died 2 years ago in May 2015. I just don't see how you have had the time or perspective to write a book advising other people on how to deal with death ("Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy"). And you don't know how resilient your children are, as its only been 2 years and you haven't even started the challengng teenage years. Most importantly, grief is a very personal emotion, in some ways the most personal emotion there is in life. I'm sorry - but there is something a little unseemly (and Harvard-like) in your efforts to repeatedly tell everyone else how to succeed like you, first at work and, now, in our most intimate emotions. Please focus your attention on your own children and your own job. Those are both very big responsibilities, especially right now.
529
Well put, DWS. The idea of making a business success of something as personal and intimate as grief is off putting at best. Especially from someone who is not a psychologist nor has any background other than personal experience to recommend them for advising on this (and as you point out it has only been 2 years and her kids aren't even teenagers yet). Her advice does not seem particularly profound, and I hope that, as with her first book on her business success, it does not serve to make those who do not have her reservoir of financial, emotional and intellectual assets feel guilty that they cannot be as 'successful' in managing their grief and their children's grief as Sheryl Sandberg is.
11
This book is out much too soon. She'd benefit from time off work, since she can afford it, to reflect and just be. With hersel and her kids. Resilient is the word of the moment but a child experiencing the death of a parent has far deeper reverberations that resound far longer than two years.
4
Dear Sheryl,
Thank you, once again, for sharing your thoughts and experience.Though selfish, but its is comforting to know that you are not alone trying to struggle with loss and pain. Your articles are always inspiring, especially for young women with similar stories. Request you to continue sharing and writing your experiences , as for many its an exemplar of resilience, and taking control of life in the toughest of conditions.
Thank you .
Thank you, once again, for sharing your thoughts and experience.Though selfish, but its is comforting to know that you are not alone trying to struggle with loss and pain. Your articles are always inspiring, especially for young women with similar stories. Request you to continue sharing and writing your experiences , as for many its an exemplar of resilience, and taking control of life in the toughest of conditions.
Thank you .
13
During my nursing career I worked as a school nurse in a school where poverty was the norm. Also the whole school district was a minority, on a Native American reservation.
I wrote a grant for a program called Families and Schools Togeter, FAST. I believe this program is still going. It had expanded throughout the US and around the world. It indeed brought families together.
The program was a success at our school, bringing about more parental involvement than imaginable. The at risk kids not only benefitted, but so did the school and the community.
One memorable point of the grants I wrote was about resiliency. If I could emphasize that point here - it only takes one person to help kids become resilient! The studies I used for my grant writing indicated and supported that which I found surprising, but gratifying.
If you think you need a whole army to help kids out - it may not be necessary. A single person may help. Do not be afraid to reach out to a kid in need. It does not have to include a great amount of time or money. It needs your heart, your genuine ability to just let that kid know you care.
I think Denzel Washington is on to something with the Boys and Girls Clubs. But we don't need only clubs. We need the mindfulness, constantly. And we need to know, yes, that minute's investment of concern goes miles with kids.
Go for it! Help make a kid resilient! The best part: it teaches them how to help someone become resilient too!
I wrote a grant for a program called Families and Schools Togeter, FAST. I believe this program is still going. It had expanded throughout the US and around the world. It indeed brought families together.
The program was a success at our school, bringing about more parental involvement than imaginable. The at risk kids not only benefitted, but so did the school and the community.
One memorable point of the grants I wrote was about resiliency. If I could emphasize that point here - it only takes one person to help kids become resilient! The studies I used for my grant writing indicated and supported that which I found surprising, but gratifying.
If you think you need a whole army to help kids out - it may not be necessary. A single person may help. Do not be afraid to reach out to a kid in need. It does not have to include a great amount of time or money. It needs your heart, your genuine ability to just let that kid know you care.
I think Denzel Washington is on to something with the Boys and Girls Clubs. But we don't need only clubs. We need the mindfulness, constantly. And we need to know, yes, that minute's investment of concern goes miles with kids.
Go for it! Help make a kid resilient! The best part: it teaches them how to help someone become resilient too!
298
When children lose a parent, they need to see two things from the surviving parent -- strength and guidance and personal grief. It seems to me that Ms. Sandberg is trying too hard to be strong for her kids and is not sufficiently communicating to them her own personal loss.
10
I appreciate the sincerity in Sheryl Sandberg's appeal, and empathize with her loss. But once again, the people at her level of economic privilege never really seem to understand that the conditions for which they advocate are in fact the function of economic privilege.
These folks never seem to recognize let alone work for the kinds structural economic change and parity that are key. About that, they remain in denial.
These folks never seem to recognize let alone work for the kinds structural economic change and parity that are key. About that, they remain in denial.
215
Wait a minute. Ms Sandberg wrote an essay that provides sound advice for families that have suffered a loss. None of the advice hinged on economic privilege. Any family could take time to reassure itself that they would stick together during this trying time. Any parent could take the time to give attention to the kids when they need it. It doesn't take money. It takes effort and an adult who has the insight, from an NYT article perhaps, that the kids need extra support.
4
The things Sheryl Sandberg calls for her.....does Facebook provide them to EVERY employee? The secretaries? Janitorial staff? the new hires? the H1Bs? or is it just for the executive staff?
She never even mentions this.
Other people don't get lengthy time off, and unlimited resources for psychological counseling. They are very lucky if their company gives them ONE WEEK to bury a spouse -- most companies give 3 days of "compassionate leave". Sometimes, this is UNPAID.
Most people don't have great wealth, and many people don't even get life insurance when a spouse dies -- or just a token sum.
Most of us don't have nannies for our kids, nor a houseful of maids, housekeepers, personal chefs, drivers, gardens, pool cleaners and other staff to help out, and ensure the surviving parent can carry on, without the home life falling into chaos.
Ms. Sandberg did NOT have to get up, the day after her husband DIED, and do the laundry for the family....cook dinner, pack lunches....mop the kitchen floor....clean the cat litter....shovel snow off the driveway....but that's what millions of OTHER widowed women have to do. Every single day. BY THEMSELVES.
She never even mentions this.
Other people don't get lengthy time off, and unlimited resources for psychological counseling. They are very lucky if their company gives them ONE WEEK to bury a spouse -- most companies give 3 days of "compassionate leave". Sometimes, this is UNPAID.
Most people don't have great wealth, and many people don't even get life insurance when a spouse dies -- or just a token sum.
Most of us don't have nannies for our kids, nor a houseful of maids, housekeepers, personal chefs, drivers, gardens, pool cleaners and other staff to help out, and ensure the surviving parent can carry on, without the home life falling into chaos.
Ms. Sandberg did NOT have to get up, the day after her husband DIED, and do the laundry for the family....cook dinner, pack lunches....mop the kitchen floor....clean the cat litter....shovel snow off the driveway....but that's what millions of OTHER widowed women have to do. Every single day. BY THEMSELVES.
19
Why does the NY Times fawn over this billionaire? I'm sorry, but fatherless and motherless children are commonplace and invisible. They rarely benefit from the best schools, doctors, psychologists, security and a Teflon smooth path that the mega rich enjoy.
Ms. Sandberg, if you want to be taken seriously, give your money away to help the poor children. There are many.
Ms. Sandberg, if you want to be taken seriously, give your money away to help the poor children. There are many.
317
How do you know she doesn't? Or do you mean she should give everything away? I don't get your point.
9
"... fatherless and motherless children are commonplace and invisible." And yet here's someone who makes that a little less true, regardless of her personal circumstance. I see very little in this piece that couldn't be applied to people of all backgrounds. Nearly everyone has access to video recording, and everyone can talk to their kids. Yes some people have more resources, but that doesn't render Ms. Sandberg's experience useless. If sharing it helped another family, I'd say it's done its job.
3
This is a touching and insightful story on loss. Just yesterday I visited my mom's grave- I miss her every day.
Thank you for your strength and your own resilience, Mrs. Sandberg.
Thank you for your strength and your own resilience, Mrs. Sandberg.
17
A COUSIN'S Wife died several years ago, a brilliant woman, a pediatrician, during a third attempt at heart valve surgery, leaving a widowed husband and their three teen and preteen children. At the memorial ceremony we were all asked to write to the grieving family to share our ideas. I wanted to offer support to the children, who are now all thriving (though I am sure still saddened by losing their mother), by telling them that their mother was part of every cell of their bodies, since we all get 50% of our genes from our mothers and 50% from our fathers. I also wrote that they wish their mother would be present by being alive--clearly their most natural wish. Our cousin, their father, is fortunate in having a resilient temperament. So he's carried on his former wife's legacy by healing along with his children. In their family, Love conquers all.
10
Loosing a father also means loosing part of the family's financial status. Compounded with a drastic change in income, the trauma of a role model gone, and sheer sense of loss can be extremely traumatizing. Many families eventually spiral down into poverty with few ever noticing the effects this has on a child. Easy for many wealthy people who have trust funds, stocks and fat life insurance policies to psychoanalyze these issues when they have a large rib of support while the working class, or working poor are left with little but only worrying how to support themselves financially without loosing their children. It was a good article but should have discussed the ramifications of lost finances.
73
I hope Sheryl's kids continue to be like their dad - and I hope they are also like their mom. Yes, this is a woman born into privilege and now has a level of power, wealth and control that most of us cannot even conceptualize. But none of that protected her or her family from catastrophic loss. Through this, Sheryl and Dave's kids are learning how to be resilient, but also how to be strong and positive parents and partners later in life. Those kids lost their role model of how to be (and have) a father/husband/partner - but Sheryl Sandberg has done her best to fill that void, and for that she should be applauded.
44
Nice idea: kids matter. Unfortunately, it is too true considering how children are mostly ignored and belittled during childhood. If they had more power and authority over their own environment and decision making processes they might turnout better. However, today, they never growup or leave the nest. Children are the future but they are coddled to the extreme and have their nose wiped a million times protecting their fragile maturation until they reach incompentance and dependency.
6
in the context of children who have suffered significant loss, such as the loss of a parent, your comment is way out of line. Children who have suffered such a loss cannot be "coddled." Get back to me when you've parented a child who lost a parent from murder and whose life, emotions, wellbeing, and grades fell apart for a good part of a year. And now, finally he's doing better and definitely more emotionally mature & independent.
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Losing a parent is life altering. Thank you for sharing this. It's good advice for children of all ages.
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One of my favorite parenting guides is "Lead by example." I have come to see how much our children will mirror what we do in their adulthood. However we handle stress, ups and downs, and our own lives will be how they handle theirs as well.
Taking care of ourselves before we take care of others is one of the best ways I have seen we can develop resilience. If we are exhausted, stressed out, sleep deprived, or unhealthy, we have very little fund of resilience or positivity to impart to our kids when they need us.
I have been following Sheryl Sandberg for years now - through Lean In, her terrible loss, and her path to healing and redefining her purpose. Every word is always full of insight and deeply appreciated
Taking care of ourselves before we take care of others is one of the best ways I have seen we can develop resilience. If we are exhausted, stressed out, sleep deprived, or unhealthy, we have very little fund of resilience or positivity to impart to our kids when they need us.
I have been following Sheryl Sandberg for years now - through Lean In, her terrible loss, and her path to healing and redefining her purpose. Every word is always full of insight and deeply appreciated
14
I agree that children need to know that they are loved and that they are not alone in the world. And I also agree that children need to build within themselves a strong sense of self esteem, self worth, and understanding that family sticks together. I might start by not leaving young children at home when you go on vacation.
28
Yes indeed.
4
Wow! What an unkind thing to write!
10
Oh please. This is inappropriate.
23
No matter our circumstance, making sure that kids know they matter is the take-away. It is easy to do. Just look at that child and make sure they know that their voice counts and they make a difference. We are all responsible for building resilience in kids; parent, teacher and family. I would add, hug daily! Caring about kids and their social, emotional and intellectual growth is the job of all adults who are connected to kids.
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Lesson number 1. Never assume to know exactly how and what a child is experiencing. Adults too often force their feelings onto their/other children.
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All of this is excellent advice. Would it were that the other 99.9 % of the world's population had the resources to uncover it.
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How small of you. Why do I think that if Sandberg had sent in an article about nuclear fusion, or a recipe for chocolae cake, jealous people like you would find fault and say it was only good because she is in an elite group of successful people.
Maybe the reason she's in this group of 1%ers is because she goes the extra mile with things : her career, her relationships and, probably, even chocolate cake.
Maybe the reason she's in this group of 1%ers is because she goes the extra mile with things : her career, her relationships and, probably, even chocolate cake.
23
Yes that's true, but maybe she also grew up in an upper middle-class or wealthy family that always provided plenty of "support".
7
What she was able to learn about loss was incredibly valuable for her and her family. It is a positive thing that she is willing to share her experience with others. At the same time, it is also appropriate here to recognize that she is a person that grew up with significant advantages and is the possessor of unfathomable wealth. Very few in this world have the kind of resources she employed to ameliorate her significant loss. Perhaps what concerns readers the most is that as a select few in the world have become obscenely rich, and as government continues to retreat from the responsibility to care for its people, we are at the mercy of the Gateses and Sandbergs of the world, to share bits of there largess. And it is not small to note that this bit of sharing didn't cost her a dime.
6
Nice piece. Having infinite resources such as a professional counsellor to children suffering loss at one's call must make the uncertainty and horror more manageable. Also, knowledge that the loss of the children's father didn't mean that they would have to lose their house, school, way of life and friends too must have helped this family focus on how to approach and memorialize his memory.
So I guess I am saying that while I appreciated the article, it was not inspiring, and in fact was actually off-putting.
So let us conclude with a tear of sorrow for the loss of their husband and father, an inspiration of a man who brought us Survey Monkey and thus made all our lives just a little better.
So I guess I am saying that while I appreciated the article, it was not inspiring, and in fact was actually off-putting.
So let us conclude with a tear of sorrow for the loss of their husband and father, an inspiration of a man who brought us Survey Monkey and thus made all our lives just a little better.
185
This is kind of nasty in tone -- and besides, the author of the article is sharing what she learned, for free. Time for you to go read Charles Dickens.
15
"Off-putting" because Ms. Sandberg had resources and had the strength of character to use them well? What little niggling sense of comfort do you get from inserting this nastiness?
4
Your tone is offensive. We're talking about kids who lost their father. Whether they are rich or not doesn't make the loss any less real.
3
Dear mrs. Sandberg,
thank you so much for this message. It shows that, even though this is not as easy for everybody, given their personal circumstances, we can make a difference purely by showing attention to other people. Make them know that they matter. that they are noticed.
thank you so much for this message. It shows that, even though this is not as easy for everybody, given their personal circumstances, we can make a difference purely by showing attention to other people. Make them know that they matter. that they are noticed.
29
I like to think of parents as coaches. They are here to help, to correct deviations, celebrate with players when they win, and encourage them when they fail. Make them ready to face the inevitable blows of life, and keep them focused on reality.
When I think now of my parents, I cannot blame them for their limitations. They loved (and love) me. I just wish I can improve what they did.
When I think now of my parents, I cannot blame them for their limitations. They loved (and love) me. I just wish I can improve what they did.
7
Thank you for this refreshing theoretical focus. This tradition of expertise, however, sometimes leaves room for ambiguity regarding certain principles. For example, when you say "It’s O.K. to be angry and jealous of friends and cousins who still have fathers.", is that advice unbidden, not specifically asked about by the child? Because surely there are children who would not automatically feel that way. And to say such a thing to them would be tantamount to placing in their grieving minds unnecessarily destructive thoughts.
24
She said the kids wrote the rules.
This is a beautiful article. I lost my mother as a child and it took me many years to recover fully. The article mentions pretty much all the things that have helped me. I work with children now - thank you for reminding me how important it is just to show them love and listen to their stories.
146
So much bitterness from envious commentators...
242
I don't see it as "bitterness," but rather I think these readers are tapping into what seems to me to be 'fake resilience' - so much coddling and resources and 'tools' that it takes away from what you're actually trying to promote.
18
it's not envy, while I'm sure Ms. Sandberg meant well, most people commenting probably have had as or more compelling experiences developing resilience with far fewer resources. Her addressing this subject to a broad audience like that of the NYT is tone deaf.
43
Agreed. I'm a staunch lefty, but I'm starting to feel like the Republicans are right, and we on the left simply hate and resent success. Is grief mitigated by money? Is Ms. Sandberg's position in life or her way of coping with death somehow yours to judge? Who else to write this article, except someone with the economic freedom to reflect on life as it happens to her? How about you head on over to her childrens' school and explain them that because their family is in the 1%, it's OK that they lost their dad, and there's no value at all to be found in their experience. What is wrong with people?
7
I hardly knew my own biological father -- I was born in wartime Saigon and he died when I was three. Soon after, my mother immigrated to America - to a country where she did not speak the language nor had any relatives -- with me and my brother. So I was forced to develop resilience and coping skills early on.
1) Tell your kids they will survive this. Not to be unsympathetic here but they are not the first nor the last kids to have lost their father and done fine in life. Other kids may not have survived losing their dad but have survived other types of trials. Few people have perfect lives. My mother did not tell us this explicitly but we knew plenty of people who had been through similar or worse circumstances than us yet thrived.
2) Set a good example for your kids. My mother encountered all sorts of obstacles, including poverty and discrimination, but she showed us how to overcome them through a combination of hard work and a positive attitude.
3) Remind your kids of challenges they have overcome, minor or major. Whenever I came across something I thought was too challenging, I reminded myself I had overcome other things before and that this time would be no different.
4) Allow and even encourage your kids to do things they are NOT good at and will likely fail at. This permits them to build resilience.
1) Tell your kids they will survive this. Not to be unsympathetic here but they are not the first nor the last kids to have lost their father and done fine in life. Other kids may not have survived losing their dad but have survived other types of trials. Few people have perfect lives. My mother did not tell us this explicitly but we knew plenty of people who had been through similar or worse circumstances than us yet thrived.
2) Set a good example for your kids. My mother encountered all sorts of obstacles, including poverty and discrimination, but she showed us how to overcome them through a combination of hard work and a positive attitude.
3) Remind your kids of challenges they have overcome, minor or major. Whenever I came across something I thought was too challenging, I reminded myself I had overcome other things before and that this time would be no different.
4) Allow and even encourage your kids to do things they are NOT good at and will likely fail at. This permits them to build resilience.
581
Re: point # 1: In helping your kids know they will survive whatever their particular tragedy, disappointment, failure is, absolutely do not make comparisons with other people in the same or similar situations. That diminishes your child's experience and his or her feelings. And don't just brush off the failure. I remember once in my teens, I was rejected for a prestigious "award" in favor of another student (the committee had to chose one or the other of us based on various elements, none of them quantifiable). My Mother's comment: It builds character. Yes, it may, but the comment completely ignored how I was feeling. Don't ignore your kids feelings. Validate them somehow before you move on to "you will survive this" language.
3
This is exactly what one needs on a Monday morning: one of the richest, most powerful women in American business to tell us how she dealt with adversity. How galling.
478
I guess the resentment is inevitable, but isn't it possible that she still might have something of value to share?
244
Some people become successful by a combination of innate brilliance, sustained effort, and a certain amount of chance. Ms. Sandberg is a classic example of that. Anyone may have more or fewer of those or many other factors working for them, and even the most favorable tailwinds provide no guarantee.
One factor that works against so many people is jealousy or, more generally, an unfulfilled sense of entitlement. What does it take away from anyone to learn from someone else who has done well? Ms. Sandberg has access to resources others may not have, knows how to put them to use, and has shared what she has learned. In this case, for example, if a family can't have dinner together every night, then have a special Sunday breakfast or create some other ritual instead. Or they can sit and grump about what someone else has. Which approach is likely to produce a better result?
So many people are unable to control their feelings of inadequacy, leading them to reflexively reject good information for bad reasons. Our recent election (yep, went there) has already shown us the cost, which we will be paying for decades to come, even centuries in the case of the lost opportunity to control our damage to the planet.
Even rebooting the global ecosystem will be nothing new under the sun. Yet people squander their precious energy on petty vendettas. Sad.
One factor that works against so many people is jealousy or, more generally, an unfulfilled sense of entitlement. What does it take away from anyone to learn from someone else who has done well? Ms. Sandberg has access to resources others may not have, knows how to put them to use, and has shared what she has learned. In this case, for example, if a family can't have dinner together every night, then have a special Sunday breakfast or create some other ritual instead. Or they can sit and grump about what someone else has. Which approach is likely to produce a better result?
So many people are unable to control their feelings of inadequacy, leading them to reflexively reject good information for bad reasons. Our recent election (yep, went there) has already shown us the cost, which we will be paying for decades to come, even centuries in the case of the lost opportunity to control our damage to the planet.
Even rebooting the global ecosystem will be nothing new under the sun. Yet people squander their precious energy on petty vendettas. Sad.
46
Do you really think that her kids don't have the same feelings other kids have because her mother is wealthy? As someone who lost a parent young everything she said resonated with me. She's right on - it would be a shame to lose this wisdom because of her professional success.
60
This is an insightful and emotional essay. I cannot imagine the strength and fortitude she must possess. Her children have suffered an incredibly loss, but they are very lucky to have their mom. Thank you for sharing Ms. Sandberg.
54
Thanks for sharing your story. I think that as long as we show our kids that it's ok to grieve and that it's ok to move forward they will be OK. Issues arise when kids are denied the right to grieve or are forced to stay stuck in the past rather than being allowed to move forward with their lives as it is now not as it once was. Plan B isn't ideal, I'm sorry for your family's loss.
151
More than 30% of American children are living with just parent or with no parents, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's 2016 survey. Most of these children do not live in households with Sheryl Sandberg's resources. Too many of these children do not want to keep their fathers' memories alive: on the contrary, they want to forget them, and for good reason. With all that said, my heart goes out to Sandberg and her children, and I hope her children will continue to be just like their daddy.
177
Ms. Sandberg I am deeply sorry for your children's and your loss. However, as a working mother who is a salaried employee and not a senior decision maker like yourself - therefore not possessing any real influence or job security - I cannot relate to much of what you wrote. My children have to be resilient through hardship because they have no other choice. I cannot take time off of work to give them the attention that you can. A family dinner is unheard of in our house because my husband and I both work so late - not by our choice - but because the people who pay us demand it - that we cannot be home at a decent hour to sit with our children as you can since you are the boss. So - I would argue that resilience is a trait that most American children already possess by necessity and that what our society really needs is not so much more understanding of grief and resilience but rather a culture that empowers parents and caretakers to take the time they need to be with the people for whom they care when they need it - including a family dinner at least one day a week.
1376
I agree that Ms. Sandberg and her children have access to many different resources that most working families do not and as a boss she has more leeway to set her own hours. I do find the claim that she has more time to spend on childcare absurd. As Facebook's COO, an author, an activist, and now single mother, I am sure her schedule is extremely packed and I find it commendable that she can find time for family dinners.
Regardless of her wealth, the strategies she uses for helping her children do not cost money. As a daughter of two parents who worked constant long hours as a child, I can attest that it was the quality of time that they spent with me that mattered not the quantity. Even if we didn't have time for family dinners,they took the time, as Ms. Sandberg said, to make me feel like I mattered. Even in a resource or time limited setting, her strategies can be applied. Thank you Ms. Sandberg for sharing about this difficult time.
Regardless of her wealth, the strategies she uses for helping her children do not cost money. As a daughter of two parents who worked constant long hours as a child, I can attest that it was the quality of time that they spent with me that mattered not the quantity. Even if we didn't have time for family dinners,they took the time, as Ms. Sandberg said, to make me feel like I mattered. Even in a resource or time limited setting, her strategies can be applied. Thank you Ms. Sandberg for sharing about this difficult time.
11
Absolutely agree. I too lost my father at a very young age and my 40+ year old mother had to go to work. It was tough. My father's business was failing and there was no life insurance. We survived and eventually thrived, but Ms. Sandberg comes from a privileged position that most people can only dream of and while I feel sorry for her loss, she really has no clue how the other more than half lives.
mother had to go to work. Fortunately my parents owned the home we lived in...but it was tough. (this happened in the 1960's by the way). My father's business was failing and there was no life insurance. We survived and thrived....but
mother had to go to work. Fortunately my parents owned the home we lived in...but it was tough. (this happened in the 1960's by the way). My father's business was failing and there was no life insurance. We survived and thrived....but
5
"As to the great mass of working girls and women, how much independence is gained if the narrowness and lack of freedom of the home is exchanged for the narrowness and lack of freedom of the factory, sweat-shop, department store, or office?"
Emma Goldman, 1906
Emma Goldman, 1906
9