Better yet, pick the right partner.
29
I love this piece. Thanks so much for your wit and your ability to capture it. "I'm a harem." Wonderful.
63
My wife & I celebrated 41 years of marriage this weekend. We have known each other for 45 years. Change abounds! We consciously drive the change as we strive to be better partners, better humans. The great thing is that we get to do this with someone we love. We get to laugh at ourselves, learn from each other, help each other, heal one another. Yay!
68
My wife and I have lived and worked and raised children together for 40 plus years. Lots of fights, lots of problems, lots of love, and lots of forgiveness. I appreciate all the wisdom in these comments. There is a lot to be said for tolerance but also for independence. There is a lot to be said for comfort but also for struggle and change. There is no one way. Seek what works for you but only with full awareness of your ego and its selfish needs. Give your partner room and hope or demand the same.
When the pain of a fight is greatest try to step back and allow the emotions to find acceptance.
We humans are still evolving.
When the pain of a fight is greatest try to step back and allow the emotions to find acceptance.
We humans are still evolving.
75
Most 30 year-olds are still adolescents and they fall in love with other adolescents 30 being when a lot of people get married) Many people grow out of adolescence, that is, sex-crazed, rock climber etc. Adolescent love is about the mirror of one's own ego, mature love is not. Since we're hardly the best we can be at 30, one would hope to change.
28
I love this article and the comments too.
Laughter and liking - several commenters mentioned that. My wife and I were friends for 2 years, dated the next 2 years, lived together 2 years, then got married (the "2 year" thing didn't continue, exactly, though 2 years later these two near-life long New Yorkers left - just 6 weeks after 9/11). We wrote a book together, created a website together, are almost finished with our e-course, and like each other even more than we did when we met 24 years ago - and love to laugh together.
A few months back, we were walking downstairs from our condo to the parking lot, and a neighbor smiled and said, "Date night?" We laughed later, and evidently both had exactly the same reaction - "Date night?? every night is date night. 'Date life' is more like it.
And the other comments on knowing when a marriage won't work were spot on as well. I wouldn't say, about my first marriage, it was exactly that we grew apart - it was just clear we were best of friends but that friendship didn't work in the marriage context. We separated 27 years ago but remain very good friends.
And we've all changed.
That's life.
www.remember-to-breathe.org
Laughter and liking - several commenters mentioned that. My wife and I were friends for 2 years, dated the next 2 years, lived together 2 years, then got married (the "2 year" thing didn't continue, exactly, though 2 years later these two near-life long New Yorkers left - just 6 weeks after 9/11). We wrote a book together, created a website together, are almost finished with our e-course, and like each other even more than we did when we met 24 years ago - and love to laugh together.
A few months back, we were walking downstairs from our condo to the parking lot, and a neighbor smiled and said, "Date night?" We laughed later, and evidently both had exactly the same reaction - "Date night?? every night is date night. 'Date life' is more like it.
And the other comments on knowing when a marriage won't work were spot on as well. I wouldn't say, about my first marriage, it was exactly that we grew apart - it was just clear we were best of friends but that friendship didn't work in the marriage context. We separated 27 years ago but remain very good friends.
And we've all changed.
That's life.
www.remember-to-breathe.org
24
When my husband and I were contemplating marriage , we asked a friend with a long and happy marriage for advice. He thought for a few minutes and said, "Avoid diverse growth rates". We have found this very valuable over the past 38 years.
32
I LOVE this article - thank you! I've been married 3 times, the 3rd time for 27 years. Your point is well-taken!
13
Ada Calhoun, I love your wit! I expected the majority of comments to be about that.
It's good that your husband is an adept rodent-catcher, because I can tell you that it doesn't add 5 years to a relationship when the woman is the adept one.
It's good that your husband is an adept rodent-catcher, because I can tell you that it doesn't add 5 years to a relationship when the woman is the adept one.
20
what do you mean
7
I wonder if curiosity is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. How well do you know yourself? How could you possibly know everything about another? If you're present, every day is different - the laws of impermanence irrefutable. Maybe curiosity keeps the spark of Eros alive, too.
12
Sometimes people's values, interest, and politics diverge to a degree that the marriage cannot and should not sustain.
39
I married my best friend in college. We started out just friends and I eventually recognized that she was perfect for me, even though she was nothing like me. We are still together and still best friends. I cannot imagine life without her. She is my rock. I think the secret to our 25+ years is communication. After all these years we can talk about anything for any length of time, plus just being with her in silence is fine too. I am completely at ease around her.
41
I agree that we are always changing. Just don't think you are finished. My one and only hubby and I are entering our 60s and we are different people than we were 10 years ago. And I'm glad. Have to keep growing!
23
There is truth to this. I am recently divorced to a man who was afraid of change. He was unwilling to see or accept how our lives, our relationship evolved. It was a painful process, but I am happier now. I am dating again, and seek out people who are interested in learning, changing and evolving. Who can talk about their interests and what they want to explore next. We cannot predict how we will change, and if we will like who our partner will become. However, partnering with someone who embraces change might help weather the storm, I hope.
23
Unless you are Sleeping Beauty don't expect a Prince Charming.
19
“Love is an act of endless forgiveness; a tender look which becomes a habit.”
― Peter Ustinov
― Peter Ustinov
66
My husband and I were married 37 years (he died recently) and when people ask the secret of our long marriage, I tell them the truth: When we married, I was 35, he was 40, and we were already too old and tired to run away. We were not too old to have unrealistic expectations, even though he had been married before and I had had my share of boyfriends, but we quickly dispatched with those (too old, too tired to fight reality). Changes were fast and furious (his heart attack and delinquent teenagers, our new baby) but somehow we weathered the storms, possibly because no matter what, our mindset was the same: we had similar interests and got each other's sense of humor. (Our wedding vows: I asked him to promise that if he lost his hair, he would never wear a wig; he asked me to promise never to go on the Gong Show.) We laughed all the time, even when we were banging our heads against the wall. Marriage to me is an ongoing dialog, a conversation (not always with words) between two people who are providing sanctuary for one another in the turbulence of life. What I miss most about my husband is our daily talks punctuated by loads of laughs. (This is a great article, and isn't humor as a sustaining feature of a long-term marriage obvious?)
133
Such a beautiful post Vespasia! I laughed so hard after the Gong Show line. Still laughing. I loved every word you wrote. Deepest condolences on his passing. May you never lose your sense of humor, even if it's on the back burner for a little while right now. So very sorry for your loss.
19
This is wonderful, Vespasia.
10
beautiful
4
I recently divorced my husband because I had changed so much. I am the one who asked for the divorce. I think this article misses that it's also fine if people change and grow apart and just can't fit that change into their marriage.
My ex-husband is still my best friend in the world and we talk at least once a week. We sometimes even still say "love you" before we hang up. Our divorce was a true testament to how sometimes change is the end of a marriage. Divorce is still tragic and of course I wouldn't have wished that for us but sometimes there is enough change to simply make it the only option.
My ex-husband is still my best friend in the world and we talk at least once a week. We sometimes even still say "love you" before we hang up. Our divorce was a true testament to how sometimes change is the end of a marriage. Divorce is still tragic and of course I wouldn't have wished that for us but sometimes there is enough change to simply make it the only option.
41
Heather, I think you are so spot on with your observation and comment. One of my best friends was married to her husband for a long time, but over time, they gradually could not make the marriage part of their relationship work, for whatever reason. They divorced, but remained each other's best friend until he died a few years back. My girlfriend was so devastated, but only by his sudden death, but because she was no longer his wife, she had no say on any of the funeral arrangements. She had no barring on the entire service. She said she never felt more alone in her life than at his funeral. Sometimes marriage isn't the answer for two people, but those same two people can still be the best of friends, especially after the divorce. It also helps that neither my girlfriend nor her ex-husband ever remarried. That tends to keep things more simplified. Thank you for your comment. It is an extremely valid and important aspect to take into consideration.
18
Any kids?
6
Fine writing with some real insight, but the bit about the expert tossing of a cereal bowl onto a scampering chipmunk is so obviously made up that it makes me question the truth of the rest of the details. Sadly, the exaggeration that the author thinks she needs to make her story more compelling only distracts from it.
13
I don't think it's obviously made up. It's exactly the kind of thing my husband might do.
28
It is exactly how my ex-husband and I caught a mouse that was brought live into our house, by our cat, who wanted to play with it, before killing it. In our case it took a couple of tries to trap him with the bowl and while he (the mouse) scampered back and forth I was laughing so hard it was hard to keep hold of the broom I was using to coax the little guy out from under the furniture. In the end, my ex got him with the bowl - and with aplomb - I might add. With the help of the cardboard that little mouse was safely released far away, from our house and the cat. One of our fondest and funniest memories from that marriage.
15
This is wonderful.
Love is saying all three:
I accept you the way you were.
I accept you the way you are
I accept you the way you will becoming.
The Spanish for love is "te quiero," so it's also:
I want you the way you were.
I want you the way you are
I want you the way you will becoming.
It was easier to "want" than to have to "accept."
The former indicates desire, lust included.
This is automatic, subconscious in all of us.
The later means faith and trust.
This takes maturity and lessons from painful experiences, to not just "stand there" but not to also falter.
Faith and trust will rule the relationship in the later years.
Love is saying all three:
I accept you the way you were.
I accept you the way you are
I accept you the way you will becoming.
The Spanish for love is "te quiero," so it's also:
I want you the way you were.
I want you the way you are
I want you the way you will becoming.
It was easier to "want" than to have to "accept."
The former indicates desire, lust included.
This is automatic, subconscious in all of us.
The later means faith and trust.
This takes maturity and lessons from painful experiences, to not just "stand there" but not to also falter.
Faith and trust will rule the relationship in the later years.
21
Laughter is the key for us. Married 44 years and we can still make each other laugh. We have survived many things including my spouse's physical and mental deterioration from MS. Five years ago, he went about about 18 months barely speaking, no smiling, unable to make a joke or laugh, due to an attack of MS. I became a mean frustrated person I did not recognize. He recovered into a semblance of his old self. He can once again make a clever joke and laugh at my jokes. I recovered also and we are
10
Add this to my previous comment....and we are reasonably happy once again. But without laughter, who knows what dark place we might have ended up in.
16
After submitting my comment, I read many of the other comments (to pass the time while prepping for a colonoscopy) and scanned much of the rest, so I may have missed something. But I am surprised that I did not find mention of sense of humor, laughter, or laughing. Surely we are not the only couple that finds laughter important in a relationship.
29
I can imagine how long it might take to read all of the 279 comments which were submitted. But trust me, there were a lot of them that mentioned laughter. If you get a moment, go back and finish reading the other comments. Every one of them has something extremely valuable to say. Good luck with the procedure. Hope all went well.
22
It did go well. By the time I finished the prep I felt like something the cat dragged in, but the procedure itself was a snap. The endoscopic center has the process perfected.
7
"When we got married at the courthouse so he could get his green card (he was Canadian)..."
How would this essay have been different if the Canadian detail was omitted? Why do you think it was it included?
How would this essay have been different if the Canadian detail was omitted? Why do you think it was it included?
9
Because when he dropped out of college his student visa became void. You can stay as a visitor for certain time but you can't work w/o social security #, etc. Hence the semi-legal wedding.
I wouldn't call this a marriage at all. More a solution to a problem.
I wouldn't call this a marriage at all. More a solution to a problem.
20
It's a lovely article, but I am getting sick and tired of the fetishization of successful long-term monogamy. I really appreciated the Times series 'Unhitched' which explored successful divorce and life afterwards. I understand that culturally we have made monogamous marriage the mainstay of our community, but why is there so much judgement of or 'silence' from the people who accept that sometimes relationships don't last forever and it's time to try something new? One comment from 'Unhitched' that struck me was a woman who mused that as a society we are now marrying in our 20s and living into our 80s, so she suggested we need a new paradigm for starting and ending 2-3 successful relationships in a lifetime. I like the sound of that, especially for those who successfuly 'uncouple' but still feel the sting of judgement from smug 'married-forty-years' types.
49
I don't judge those that do not marry, marry multiple times, or have an open marriage. However, I do feel judged and marginalized for my choices.
What I can say after 30 years of a loving monogamous marriage (only half way "there" I hope) is that some evolution is actually a huge improvement. It's not all loses. In addition, every day requires a renewal of commitment. It could end after 60, 40, or 30 years just as easily as it could after 2, 5, or 10. So a relationship is not a static thing. It's a living and changing dynamic. Some changes are easy while others are hard. Expect a shock or two along the way. But I've gotten a lot of peace and sunshine in my life, which is what I choose.
What I can say after 30 years of a loving monogamous marriage (only half way "there" I hope) is that some evolution is actually a huge improvement. It's not all loses. In addition, every day requires a renewal of commitment. It could end after 60, 40, or 30 years just as easily as it could after 2, 5, or 10. So a relationship is not a static thing. It's a living and changing dynamic. Some changes are easy while others are hard. Expect a shock or two along the way. But I've gotten a lot of peace and sunshine in my life, which is what I choose.
12
I've been married for over 50 years now! BIG surprise to me & also my friends & family! I happen to connect with this story in many ways! I have often said "I've been married 4 times, just to the same man!"
We are a work in progress still and I truly liked reading about the changes that take place in relationships whether you are with the same or "new" partner in life!
For me it's all in our attitude and how we learn to work on ourselves and not the other person!
I liked the humor in her story which may have been dry but when she says,"I'm good for the next 5 years!"I got it!
Great article so thanks.... hope I see more!
We are a work in progress still and I truly liked reading about the changes that take place in relationships whether you are with the same or "new" partner in life!
For me it's all in our attitude and how we learn to work on ourselves and not the other person!
I liked the humor in her story which may have been dry but when she says,"I'm good for the next 5 years!"I got it!
Great article so thanks.... hope I see more!
10
So what works for you is a good thing, and what works for others (long-term monogamy, for example) is a smug fetish? You're the one who is judgemental.
I was married for 15 years and have been happily divorced for 38 years. I have had other relationships but never considered remarrying. Officially hopping from one to another made no practical, financial, or emotional sense for me. Raising my children, growing professionally, etc., has been at least as important as new injections of emotional intensity when the mood strikes. I have friends who have been married for decades and are thoroughly happy and don't feel boxed in. Good for them. There is no awkwardness between us.
I was married for 15 years and have been happily divorced for 38 years. I have had other relationships but never considered remarrying. Officially hopping from one to another made no practical, financial, or emotional sense for me. Raising my children, growing professionally, etc., has been at least as important as new injections of emotional intensity when the mood strikes. I have friends who have been married for decades and are thoroughly happy and don't feel boxed in. Good for them. There is no awkwardness between us.
20
Wonder how much of the relationship problems stem from the too-frequently espoused pseudo-wisdom that we should assume our prospective spouse will never change? When, in fact, it's the opposite - we should assume he/she will and ask ourselves if the attributes we enjoy the most disappear, will we still want to spend the rest of our lives with him/her.
6
You can have 3 spouses: When you are 20-40 your lover, 40-60 the parent of your children, 60-80 your best friend. If you are really lucky they will be the same person.
49
Only the mother of your children after 40? Yes I hope she is the same person.
5
So true, Gordy. After 42 years of marriage, my wife and I love each other's company and companionship more each day. As I tell friends, "There are basically two aspects to my life. I'm either with her or waiting to be with her."
14
Thank you for sharing not only your story but some really sound advice on coping with relationship changes as we age. Looking forward to future chapters as they occur!
5
My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years now and reading this article was a truly inspiring. We needed this! We have both changed so much over the past 6 years that, at times, neither of us knows the best way to deal with the other's frustrations and or issues. "You aren't the person I married," one of us might say, while feeling completely defeated and confused as to what to do next. Several arguments (that probably shouldn't have occurred) break out because there is a totally lack of understanding--and miscommunication.
Reading this article, though, really did help to shed some light on things--a lot of things, actually. Knowing what marriage REALLY is, as opposed to what you THINK it is, is eye-opening and has helped me to really reevaluate my approach to a lot of the pettiness that often turns into big deals. The line "Don't just do something, stand there." really does sum it up for me. I have to learn to embrace the changes we are going through and love the women that is my wife, which I do, tremendously!
Great work. Thanks for sharing this. (I think we've gained at least another 6 years after reading this.)
Reading this article, though, really did help to shed some light on things--a lot of things, actually. Knowing what marriage REALLY is, as opposed to what you THINK it is, is eye-opening and has helped me to really reevaluate my approach to a lot of the pettiness that often turns into big deals. The line "Don't just do something, stand there." really does sum it up for me. I have to learn to embrace the changes we are going through and love the women that is my wife, which I do, tremendously!
Great work. Thanks for sharing this. (I think we've gained at least another 6 years after reading this.)
21
Love it!
13
Having been married for about 48 years, it
is not who makes more money.
Mutual understanding and adjustment in a non-selfish way is the key for a marriage forever
and adjustment is the key to success, marriage forever and long life.
is not who makes more money.
Mutual understanding and adjustment in a non-selfish way is the key for a marriage forever
and adjustment is the key to success, marriage forever and long life.
20
After reading the stories it just sounds like people broke out the old black book when they felt lonely or out of options and checked to see what the old flames were up to. Just remember sometimes the old black book people arent available anymore. Also people sometimes build resentment over the years.
Have fun.
Have fun.
5
We've been marry 48 years, and so have our friends of thirty and forty years. We have not been married when we should have been divorced. We just shake our heads that others have not been as fortunate. Our friends siblings, divorced. Two and three marriages. Marriages of convenience. Jobs and sex brought them together. Then the affairs became went from fantasy to reality after marriage, the whole thing fell apart. I am no longer Adonis. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm amazed.
19
I agree with the final statement. Some moments really stand out that make me fall in love with my husband all over again.
39
Alcoholism has been like a third party in our 28 years together. Even though he is now 16 years sober, there are still episodes that just don't make sense unless viewed in that context, the "dry drunk." Sudden anger, inability to discuss anything without making it worse. Not what I would call abuse, just a feeling of walking on eggshells. My best friend just died a week ago and I could talk to her about anything. I wonder if I will ever have that again.
64
I feel for you my friend as I am in a similar situation.
11
I don't know.. to me people never change. I mean hobbies and interests might, but not the person. My parents have always been the same, so have my friends, some of who I have known since elementary school (I'm 45). My wife is certainly exactly the same she was since we started dating 18 years ago..
10
johnj - I tend to agree with you to a point. I think certain intrinsic characteristics don't change in people, but what can and often does change is a person's attitude and outlook on things. I think a person can develop a kinder or more gentler approach to certain situations, become more calm and understanding with other situations. Often times maturity and common sense develops with age. My mother used to say that a person can't change most things in life. However, what a person can change is how he or she reacts to those things.
The closer my husband and I get to life's finish line, the more we appreciate and are grateful for things that we used to take for granted. Sometimes just waking up on the right side of the grass is enough to celebrate the day.
63
You are lucky. My ex went through a complete metamorphosis after our second child was born. She became selfish and narcissistic, like her father. She had not always been that way. Perhaps it took the aging process for that bit of her DNA or genetic code to activate. In any event, she was not the same person I had married.
11
The biggest change in our marriage was retiring and moving to another state - one move I didn't want to do but said little about. There's little health care where we moved, and now I have some health issues that absolutely need to dealt with. He's healthy and hike/walks at least three miles a day with our 84 lb. rescue dog, who hates when I sleep in the same bed and often pushes me to the floor. My husband thinks it's funny; I don't.
This is NOT the man I married; we've both had professional careers, but I would have pursued my career for about four more years until we both retired because I wanted to. I'll stay, of course, but depression is a lousy way to get older...
This is NOT the man I married; we've both had professional careers, but I would have pursued my career for about four more years until we both retired because I wanted to. I'll stay, of course, but depression is a lousy way to get older...
45
RAS - I almost cried while reading your post because my heart was breaking for you. I sincerely hope you find a positive and nurturing outlet for your depression and that your health improves. If you were my friend, I would be giving you the world's biggest hug right now and would tell you that you are in my thoughts, hoping things will get better for you.
66
You need to have a serious talk with your rescue dog. Maybe with your husband too, but for sure with the dog.
I hope you'll make new friends and will be able to take care of your health. Don't put those two things off.
I hope you'll make new friends and will be able to take care of your health. Don't put those two things off.
25
She told me "I'm quitting you". No counseling ,no separation, no taking a break. "you will be served Friday, be at the house." 30 years gone. The thing is I didn't do anything wrong, I was sick/hospitalized for several times over 2 years she realized I wasn't necessary to her. Our dreams had always been different so that had a lot to do with the outcome.
19
I've been divorced for nearly 4 years and at age 58 am starting to date again for the first time in more than 35 years. I was married for a long time ... my ex lost interest in me and lived a parallel life for about 15 years. We had small kids so I stayed.
Dating at my age is at once terrifying and exhilarating. We are all a lot smarter and wiser, but also fearful of repeating mistakes made the first time around. Misjudging the other person, not taking enough time to get to know them, sleeping together prematurely. And of course fearful of the change that the author speaks about.
Dating websites facilitate the process, but most women I have met have posted photos of themselves that are at least 5 to ten years old. Deception is very unappealing to me. Yet these women fear that no one will find them attractive if they reveal how they really look.
Smartphones that allow us to text also allow us to create virtual intimacy... close contact with another person without being in their presence. Its a dangerous phenomenon. Lots of woman like to text -- I personally do not.
There are a lot of preexisting hurdles at our age to forging relationships. Yet had I stayed married I would have died prematurely.
The lesson I take from all this is: if you want kids, but do not care if you do not know yourself, get married young. If you do not want kids, wait to get married till you are more settled -- late 40s, early 50s. I know that this will not work for everyone.
Dating at my age is at once terrifying and exhilarating. We are all a lot smarter and wiser, but also fearful of repeating mistakes made the first time around. Misjudging the other person, not taking enough time to get to know them, sleeping together prematurely. And of course fearful of the change that the author speaks about.
Dating websites facilitate the process, but most women I have met have posted photos of themselves that are at least 5 to ten years old. Deception is very unappealing to me. Yet these women fear that no one will find them attractive if they reveal how they really look.
Smartphones that allow us to text also allow us to create virtual intimacy... close contact with another person without being in their presence. Its a dangerous phenomenon. Lots of woman like to text -- I personally do not.
There are a lot of preexisting hurdles at our age to forging relationships. Yet had I stayed married I would have died prematurely.
The lesson I take from all this is: if you want kids, but do not care if you do not know yourself, get married young. If you do not want kids, wait to get married till you are more settled -- late 40s, early 50s. I know that this will not work for everyone.
32
Wow, what a treat: well done man. Seems men have been a bit marginalized in the 'I'm a victim' rage of the day. However, when your (soon to be) ex wife says "The only thing worse than being married to you will be being divorced from you", it becomes clear that some marriages need to end. Sometimes it's the man who needs to escape the abuse.
11
@ Frank Haydn Esq. Wow! This is an introspective comment and really good advice. Sounds like your wisdom is hard earned. Good luck.
14
Or you could do what my wife and I did. Get married in our 30's (me late 30's, her 30), have kids a few years later. Ours will graduate from college before my retirement age. Most of my friends from college are in a similar situation.
8
something about this article annoyed me. I found the comments more enjoyable.
29
comments are always better! but the article gets things going..
44
My first marriage was a terrible mistake, the I met him and there were 29 wonderful years. The he started to ignore me, then got mean. After two years of grief I moved out. Eventually it became clear it was the start of Alzheimers.
30
It's not your fault.
22
Communication.
16
Good article. Marriage takes a good bit of effort and long-term commitment. But it's so worth it. Be flexible. Embrace change, not only in your marriage, but in life. Life is change. I believe having a long term partner makes the journey so much the better. The key, as Grandma told me, is communication. Talk to each other, honestly. Build trust. Remain best friends. Support one another, no matter what. The pay-off is really worth the effort.
44
When we married 35 years ago, I quit my job to become full-time home maker: after all, he was making so much more money than I could even dream about. When the kids were born we made a deal: the parent who could earn more would go to work, the other would raise the kids: he went to work. Now, with only one adult child at home (when she isn't at work) I am making more money, he works part-time: I come home to a clean kitchen (cleaner than I ever had it!)and dinner made many nights. The thing that hasn't changed? He still makes me laugh!
104
I love your story and your post!
35
sounds like two emotionally mature people got married that day :) congratulations!!! i lost the man who made me laugh (to another woman & other things) almost 35 years ago. it took a very long time to find another, and we are & will always be, just friends. So grateful!!!
22
NYCSandi , wow - 35 years of wedded bliss. I always told myself laughter is best medicine well I guess you said it is true for staying married too .
LAUGH and stay married . Cheers to you and your 's.
LAUGH and stay married . Cheers to you and your 's.
14
The biggest point in this article, change your environment and your life changes. Moving to a completely new way of life, is what perked up their marriage.
17
Once at a conference, I was the only therapist at dinner who wasn't at least on a second marriage. So I got to thinking, there at dinner. And suddenly realized I had, by then in my 40's, already had several "marriages." That instead of divorcing, when we got to a crisis point, we had reworked things, renegotiated. And catapulted into another "relationship" - so to speak.
So imagine my surprise to read, in this article, that others have come to a similar conclusion.
We're now in our 50th year of marriage. My husband on oxygen now, so not very many more years left. But, having moved to a retirement community, once he was diagnosed with a progressive lung condition, freed of many cares and duties but mostly entertaining ourselves with reading and talking and relaxing, we are having an unexpected second honeymoon.
So much joy - in the midst of knowing our joy will be shorter than we would have wished for. But probably even joyful because we've come to a point of just treasuring our time. Time left. Time to reminisce. Time to think over our lives, childhood, college, different places we've lived or visited. Career changes. Personal changes.
We still have our disagreements. But there's more laughter now, when that happens. We review old problems we used to have, seeing them differently or understanding each other with more compassion. We seem to be learning so much about each other. You think we'd reach an end to that. But it gets richer. In old age.
So imagine my surprise to read, in this article, that others have come to a similar conclusion.
We're now in our 50th year of marriage. My husband on oxygen now, so not very many more years left. But, having moved to a retirement community, once he was diagnosed with a progressive lung condition, freed of many cares and duties but mostly entertaining ourselves with reading and talking and relaxing, we are having an unexpected second honeymoon.
So much joy - in the midst of knowing our joy will be shorter than we would have wished for. But probably even joyful because we've come to a point of just treasuring our time. Time left. Time to reminisce. Time to think over our lives, childhood, college, different places we've lived or visited. Career changes. Personal changes.
We still have our disagreements. But there's more laughter now, when that happens. We review old problems we used to have, seeing them differently or understanding each other with more compassion. We seem to be learning so much about each other. You think we'd reach an end to that. But it gets richer. In old age.
274
Love the bliss you have found together in senior years, and yes, in a retirement community. Your word choices were lovely: joyful, treasuring our time, more laughter, second honeymoon. You give me hope. Thank you.
21
Wow. You just gave me tears. You are very blessed. Congratulations and enjoy your life together.
13
TheraP - such a beautiful and moving comment! WOW and then some. I especially loved the second last paragraph where you wrote about treasuring time for a plethora of reasons. The mere fact that you both are able to appreciate and relish your husband's remaining time rather than feel bitter or anger or sadness because of it is a wonderful lessen to learn from. Instead of wasting time over a situation neither of you have any control over, you both are embracing that time with quality, affection and love. Wow again. Thank you so much for sharing. Much kindness to you and your husband.
14
This would be a good one to do a 3 year followup, see if time and experience has provided the author additional insights (or perhaps the need to make revisions)......
18
I couldn't agree more, and had to laugh at the nature of this set of changes: Like Neal, the Jairo I married had never picked up a rake or a shovel in his urban-raised life. He's now taming the ravine behind our house, studying bulb varieties and spreading mulch and building things and happy as a clam. What matters is he's happy doing it and I'm happy doing my own things and we're enjoying each other's company more after 34 years than ever. No, we're not the people we married - thank gods. Those were children, and we're grown ups.
48
I did not hear how LONG this author has been married. We just had our 37th year wedding anniversary, and we've been together for forty years. I agree with this author though - change, and accepting change is paramount to sticking together. My partner and I are very different people than we were in 1978, but we are loyal to our commitment, and each other. Nobody has my back like my spouse, and nobody has his like me. We know all of each others secrets, and yet we are completely autonomous. Good article, and excellent point about change.
37
This is a great read and I couldn't agree more. To go along with change I would say the biggest obstacle is stubbornness. There are some battles not worth fighting, I feel a lot of times stubbornness goes hand in hand with unwillingness to change. So if you are willing to change, not every battle is going to drift you marriage apart. As other commentators have mentioned, nothing stays the same.
20
I truly appreciate this article! People accept all kinds of mess in other areas of their life, but not in their marriage. Who says your marriage has to look any certain way than it is? Thank you. #15years...andcounting
10
Change is inevitable, as 'life happens' -- its directions are not, nor are the responses of loved ones affected by the changes. Marriages are built in-part on empathy for your partner's challenges, assistance and support in addressing them, and acceptance, respect and, often, admiration for the results.
8
It's possible for a geron to espouse someone a third his age, & for the parties to merge finally in contentment--it helps when a late-arriving daughter boasts all the parents virtues & none of their pathogeny.
11
There may be many species that are hard-wired to be monogamous, but we are not one of them. Look at studies of chimpanzee relationships for echoes of this (e.g. Carl Sagan's Shadows of our Forgotten Ancestors).
Before getting married, ask yourself if you truly believe that in your specific case, your spouse-to-be can forever fulfill all your needs for emotional intimacy. If there is any doubt, please hold off on getting married, because raising children requires a great heap of stability.
Most married readers of this comment will have at one or more points in their lives been confronted with people who could fulfill them emotionally in ways their partner does not. The stability of one's marriage at these junctures depends entirely on how existential the pull towards diversity in emotional connection is. In some cases a cost-benefit analysis completely kills the pull of diversity in emotional connection; in other cases, the pull is foundational and sunders the primary relationship.
Before getting married, ask yourself if you truly believe that in your specific case, your spouse-to-be can forever fulfill all your needs for emotional intimacy. If there is any doubt, please hold off on getting married, because raising children requires a great heap of stability.
Most married readers of this comment will have at one or more points in their lives been confronted with people who could fulfill them emotionally in ways their partner does not. The stability of one's marriage at these junctures depends entirely on how existential the pull towards diversity in emotional connection is. In some cases a cost-benefit analysis completely kills the pull of diversity in emotional connection; in other cases, the pull is foundational and sunders the primary relationship.
7
your comment reminds me that American culture - well, this is changing, obviously - is based on puritanical morals, which seemed Ok i guess, at the time. Before feminism. French culture is quite another thing, from what I can see. A marriage among the upper-middle classes tends to weather all kinds of changes, and the wife is just as free as the husband, to pursue and maintain other intimate relationships besides the primary one. There is an 'understanding'. Maybe i've watched way too many french films, but it seems to me that french women have had, and managed to hang onto, the upper hand. as it should be!!
10
There is simply too much money to be lost in a breakup ... a fact that is a rational and sufficient reason to maintain the status quo.
16
Testimony to the fact that money cannot buy happiness.
4
Try Compassionate Communication, it may help clarify a couple's issues which may or may not help the marriage. If not try a mediated divorce rather than a "lawyered" one to save on the money issue.
5
The true measure of a my marriage coming on 30 years was when almost 2 years ago I decided my husband was no longer able to make me happy in bed and decided to take advantage of the internet. I decided to only meet guys 15-20 years younger to "protect" my marriage. I told him this was not negotiable and we had the biggest fights ever. We have a freshman in college so are all alone at home with each other. I am never away evenings or weekends. Can't imagine how difficult this is for him but he recently said how happy he was I had finally after all these years accepted and enjoyed going on long hikes. He had a business trip in New Zealand and didn't want to leave me home alone. So I traveled with him not once but twice. And for those of you that think that guys 34-40 are amazing in bed far from the truth!
The #1 cause of divorce is marriage.
The #2 cause is preconceptions, "dreams" that are years in the making during one's youth, and un-re-examined expectations.
Life is. Live the marriage you have, not the one you envisioned or dreamed about. If it truly sucks, leave.
The #2 cause is preconceptions, "dreams" that are years in the making during one's youth, and un-re-examined expectations.
Life is. Live the marriage you have, not the one you envisioned or dreamed about. If it truly sucks, leave.
30
ahh the intangibles.."one fling of a bowl probably bought us another five years of marriage"
I love it. working on my bowl frisbee skills now on my check list.
I love it. working on my bowl frisbee skills now on my check list.
12
i don't fling bowls, but i've escorted various critters out using the same jar/cardboard strategy. a bat one time.
9
A static marriage is a dead marriage. The day you marry you begin a journey with another person, and neither knows where this journey may lead. The marriage ceremony should include the words, "I marry you for who you are today and who you will become." And neither partner should imprison the other. You are two separate adults with separate needs and habits. Commitment yes, confinement no.
93
Object relations, object relations, object relations. We tend to marry the person who at some unconscious level feels familiar because he or she to some degree embodies the parent who never quite gave us the love and attention we as children deserved, and we imagine we can receive that love and attention this time around. But the new primary care providing adult in our lives is seldom up to the challenge. Until the origin of that childhood wounding gets brought to the surface and resolved, no marriage or romantic partnership is immune from disappointment, stagnation, erosion, and collapse.
28
A blend of over-simplification and self-indulgence. Of course people change; the issue is why and how. The house is nice, as is the husband's aim; the issue is whether the changes we go through catalyze intractable issues.
27
You are right on ! Not just a bit of oversimplification. ADA CALHOUN's article is empty of meaning. What was the purpose for her to write "To Stay Married, Embrace Change"? If the title by itself is all the message there is, then there was not need to write the story-telling-waste-of-the reader's time. Please, Ms Calhoun, next time, state what message or added value you are contributing that makes the reader's time reading your article worth while ! Thank you.
Olivier (Switzerland)
Olivier (Switzerland)
No doubt valid in some cases, but not the big "aha!" explanation. Your theory is about people who say: she's not the one I married, assuming that change over the years explains it. Sometimes that partner never was that person.
Some discover quickly, some take longer. And then, how long until this discovery is acted on? Some bail soon afterward, others do everything they can until finally giving up, and some never leave.
Some discover quickly, some take longer. And then, how long until this discovery is acted on? Some bail soon afterward, others do everything they can until finally giving up, and some never leave.
9
I may have found and married the one person on earth totally incapable of change. He stayed the same infantile, temperamental, unstable person I had to ignore a bunch of red flags to marry. When I chose him, I was not emotionally healthy enough to choose a good mate. When I began to heal and change, he was incapable of changing with me. When I no longer needed emotional abuse in my life, I left. Change needs to happen to both people for a relationship to work.
34
Just great. Witty and true.
Thank you.
Thank you.
9
Of course people change over time, but in many instances the relationship has remained static. As a LCSW marriage and family counselor I ask couples if they are still driving the same car they had when they got married. If not, why are they still motoring around in the same relationship? The issue is to continue to co-create a relationship that expands and deepens their capacity for intimacy and appreciation with each over time. That's what the Adventure and Glory of Love is all about.
9
People often drive a different car because they dumped the old one as it became too high maintenance. Sound like you're either taking to high net worth couples for whom a car is just another status symbol or you're advocating multiple divorces over one's lifetime.
3
You are a counselor? Sorry I don't get the car metaphor at all..
4
Yes, when things/relationships fall apart it's time to reevaluate together what you want & need in your relationship. That's not easy, but it is very important. It does require patience, introspection and lots of reality checks--Oh,...and it also requires courage, perseverance and commitment.
Retirement brings many challenges that have not been explored much in our society, hence the high & surprising divorce rate. Many professionals lose their identity and hardly know who they are anymore. It's an arduous grieving process.
Retirement brings many challenges that have not been explored much in our society, hence the high & surprising divorce rate. Many professionals lose their identity and hardly know who they are anymore. It's an arduous grieving process.
2
Thank God I didn't act on that big, big crush I had in my 30's. Our marriage wouldn't have handled cheating I know, and this guy is everything to me as we move into old age together.
20
Of great importance is how you and your partner deal with conflict and communicate.
Life is challenging and bad stuff happens to everyone - children add another layer of stress. Other family issues press on a couple. This heats up conflict. If you can talk to each other about what you are feeling - apologize or show empathy, anger and resentment are diffused.
My husband and I are politically polar opposites and this last election almost destroyed the marriage. We had to really sit down and talk about what was more important - our marriage or winning a political arguement. It was hard and exhausting, but respect for our marriage and each other prevailed. It could easily have gone the other way if we had not learned to communicate about our feelings and learned to respect the other's right to their opinions.
Life is challenging and bad stuff happens to everyone - children add another layer of stress. Other family issues press on a couple. This heats up conflict. If you can talk to each other about what you are feeling - apologize or show empathy, anger and resentment are diffused.
My husband and I are politically polar opposites and this last election almost destroyed the marriage. We had to really sit down and talk about what was more important - our marriage or winning a political arguement. It was hard and exhausting, but respect for our marriage and each other prevailed. It could easily have gone the other way if we had not learned to communicate about our feelings and learned to respect the other's right to their opinions.
27
Self indulgent clap-trap. Real first world problems.
Get a grip. Life isnt a bowl of cherries. Take it as it comes and deal with it.
Really !!!
Get a grip. Life isnt a bowl of cherries. Take it as it comes and deal with it.
Really !!!
16
She wasn't complaining! And why on earth would you read a column titled 'Modern Love' and expect - well, I don't know what you'd expect!
1
I know couples with fifty-plus years of marriage. They are grateful and hopeful. My adult daughters are still married. My wife of fifty-two years maintains a joyful exterior and gives me positive support. She has kept me in the fight. We have evolved to this state by sharing (not always at the same time) the heavy lifting and accepting some quirks we could not change. In the classic movie The Apartment, when Shirley McClain runs down the street to Jack Lemon, my life partner reaches for my hand and we shed involuntary tears.
13
My favorite line, and one I completely relate to: "Spread across the years, I'm a harem." Love it.
32
What an amazing piece. There are so many things I can say, but I hope "thank you" will suffice.
11
What far reaching recommendations.... Could this apply to the political environment as well??
Yes, we must all 'embrace' change... Don't tolerate it, embrace it!
And the White Male in the pic is shown to be oh so well turned out....
Yes, we must all 'embrace' change... Don't tolerate it, embrace it!
And the White Male in the pic is shown to be oh so well turned out....
5
Embracing change is important for individual happiness as well as for couples' happiness.
The author wrote, "I listened to one person after another claim that the street was a shadow of its former self, that all the good businesses had closed and all the good people had left. This sentiment held true even though people disagreed about which were the good businesses and who were the good people. Nostalgia, which fuels our resentment toward change, is a natural human impulse."
These few sentences in a nutshell explain the appeal of "Make America Great Again." It's a verbal Rorschach test allowing listeners to impart their own nostalgia, which usually comprises their own distorted memories, upon it. Whether examining our relationships, ourselves, or our world view, any desire to recreate the past is a fool's errand. Any trip down memory land turns into one down amnesia lane; we often forget the bad memories and embellish the good ones. "Again" is a myth. We cannot do anything again; the second time is always different. What we can do is to commit to ourselves, our spouses, our partners, and one another to make today and tomorrow great.
The author wrote, "I listened to one person after another claim that the street was a shadow of its former self, that all the good businesses had closed and all the good people had left. This sentiment held true even though people disagreed about which were the good businesses and who were the good people. Nostalgia, which fuels our resentment toward change, is a natural human impulse."
These few sentences in a nutshell explain the appeal of "Make America Great Again." It's a verbal Rorschach test allowing listeners to impart their own nostalgia, which usually comprises their own distorted memories, upon it. Whether examining our relationships, ourselves, or our world view, any desire to recreate the past is a fool's errand. Any trip down memory land turns into one down amnesia lane; we often forget the bad memories and embellish the good ones. "Again" is a myth. We cannot do anything again; the second time is always different. What we can do is to commit to ourselves, our spouses, our partners, and one another to make today and tomorrow great.
67
No story to share, just a comment that I enjoyed this interesting perspective on marriage. Thanks.
24
When we were discussing marriage, my then-boyfriend said, "What if you change?" I responded, "What if I DON'T?" Change = experience, growth, motion. We are each many people over our lifetimes.
I do think it's often a matter of luck when two parts of a couple change in ways that are compatible and mutually appealing. I am now happily single, and can't quite imagine giving up my freedom again.
I do think it's often a matter of luck when two parts of a couple change in ways that are compatible and mutually appealing. I am now happily single, and can't quite imagine giving up my freedom again.
18
Those commenting, "He (or she) changed, but I didn't," are delusional. It's likely you're at most only looking at the surface. This is certainly true if you're not happy about the other's change. Your not being happy about the other's change is in itself a change in your attitude.
In any event, much change is necessary and good. So sure, accept it for the most part. That's the reality of not really marrying the "perfect match." (NOBODY does) If the change is truly horrible you don't need to accept it. You can end the marriage. There are worse things in life.
In any event, much change is necessary and good. So sure, accept it for the most part. That's the reality of not really marrying the "perfect match." (NOBODY does) If the change is truly horrible you don't need to accept it. You can end the marriage. There are worse things in life.
3
My husband has been married for 62 years - 10 of those to me. I married for the first (and I promise only) time at 52, when he was 77. I joke that with the first wife he expected everything (household stuff, home management, etc.) to be a certain way. When she died (after 45 years of marriage) he learned from a second wife that things could be (would be) different. When wife # 2 died, he married me, and learned some VERY different ways. As did I. Our expectations were realistic. We make it work.
22
"Our expectations were realistic" is the key phrase. It seems to me too many young women are all caught up in the romance novels they read, thinking that marriage is one round of getting compliments from hubby, flowers and candy at any small occasion. That may be true aqt th beginning. When passion cedes to everyday life, most see their mates as they really are for the first time. That is when they have to get to work on their marriage, respect their partner for who he / she is and this goes both ways. Childen complicate the matter, too, being a pleasure at times, but very often pests. That too, has to be surmounted. In no way should partners be reduced to "Mommy" and "Daddy" because, as soon as the children are out of the house, the adults may well have become strangers to one another. Keeping a marriage afloat is a lifetime job, and, unless a mate is unfaithful, an alcoholic or violent, it is a job that is worthwhile and has great rewards.
16
so true and i can relate that now my kids are much older now
2
By the time the kids are out of the house shouldn't you be old enough to be maturely grounded and beyond any need for gratification.
3
When a friend says of their divorce, "We grew apart," or other hints of change, I assume there is way more to the story and I mind my business. No one knows what is going on within a marriage, but the two people in it. Some friends shared emotional stories of years of discord in their marriages, as they were going through the separation process. As much as I care for my friends, I always keep in mind I am getting one side, so I listen to their perspective and support them. But I never assume I know even 50% about someone else's relationship.
50
"We grew apart" is definitely code for "It's complicated, both our faults, and frankly I don't have the time or inclination to break it down for you over the course of several hours, so let's change the subject. Please."
24
The writer has missed the point. It's not the issue of change itself, of course we would have evolved and changed over time. That's without question. What matters most, is whether the changes of the couple are still compatible over time. Most of us have our wild days, get busy with career, next comes the kids, and if we still enjoy that kind of domestic bliss (and stress) and childrearing chores that comes with it, that would be a calling card for a successful marriage.
And let's admit it, every one of us harbor some secret fancy. Just ask Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.
A truly happy marriage, staying monogamous and faithful, one that both partners grow and change along the same path through the ages of time is a beautiful and a rare thing. I salute those who succeed in it, but if times call for it, divorce is not the end of the world, it's not failure but simply a natural outcome to most. Only those courageous enough will do something about a relationship that no longer works.
And let's admit it, every one of us harbor some secret fancy. Just ask Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.
A truly happy marriage, staying monogamous and faithful, one that both partners grow and change along the same path through the ages of time is a beautiful and a rare thing. I salute those who succeed in it, but if times call for it, divorce is not the end of the world, it's not failure but simply a natural outcome to most. Only those courageous enough will do something about a relationship that no longer works.
58
It can be the end of the world to your children. Just saying.
20
I think the hardest thing to deal with in a marriage is children. It changes the focus.
I unexpectedly found I couldn't focus on job, kids and wife at the same time.
The job and kids took all my focus.
One day I found out that another guy was giving my wife the attention that women need.
Even though I was still crazy about her I couldn't live with that.
But life alone is more lonely than I expected.
I unexpectedly found I couldn't focus on job, kids and wife at the same time.
The job and kids took all my focus.
One day I found out that another guy was giving my wife the attention that women need.
Even though I was still crazy about her I couldn't live with that.
But life alone is more lonely than I expected.
108
I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope that you meet a great woman soon that gives you companionship and fun!
1
My grandparents were married almost 60yrs and just after my grandfather died I visited my grandmother with my new bride. I asked her how she and grandpa stayed married for so long, and she responded confidently and assuredly "we never fell out of love at the same time". I've long thought about what she told us -- for newlyweds it offered sage advise on a number of levels. First was the obvious, that we all have ups and downs in our lives that we have to deal with. I think though her comment reflected their acceptance of each other's periods when not all was rosy. I think she also wanted us to recognize that its okay to not be in love all the time -- that sometimes we just don'l like what our partner has done, or treated us in some manner. But that doesn't mean that they don't love us -- perhaps we shouldn't be judged during those rough times. I think the most profound message she left me with was the fact that, short of a major break in trust with each other, the commitment is for the long run, warts and all.
178
"We never fell out of love at the same time". I roared when I read your grandmother's comment. That says it all! I learned much about myself reading this essay. Change, of course. It happens over a life time as we grow into the people we are destined to be. My husband and I will be married 58 years in two weeks. I was 21 when I married, he was 28. We learned on the job we were committed to. When the priest said, " till death do us part". I bought it, hook, line and sinker. It wasn't always great, but we lived for our 4 children and now we are blessed with 6 beautiful grandchildren. That' life!
23
Great observation I heard on a recording by marriage therapist Stan Tatkin: "Everyone is burdensome; everyone is annoying; everyone is high-maintenance." We kid ourselves when we imagine it can be otherwise.
6
Most, if not all, of us get married because we fall in love. But marriage (and staying married) requires far more than that. Over time, that feeling of love will subside, get suppressed, or even be gone, before we even realize it. In its stead, we become more like partners, rather than lovers, in life. But living together requires compatibility and compromises. Simple things like, I like my toilet seat down, but my husband never puts the toilet seat down, might be fine when you're in a good mood and tend to forgive and forget. When you're in bad mood or under stress, we always revert to the familiar territory, and simple things like that can add up in a hurry and irk us in ways that could one day explode out of proportion. THIS is something that this the writer fails to address in the essay.
Maybe next time, you can ask your grandmother how she copes with that and made it work with your grandfather.
Maybe next time, you can ask your grandmother how she copes with that and made it work with your grandfather.
10
married. everyday expected to be the 'Ken' doll and 'be' on display. The last straw was the fight to upgrade the wedding ring. This is a great article. Sadly the I dont see the happy ending.
16
We made the promise before God 'n' everbody, as they say, but the promise was not to God, in whom we had grave doubts as to his existence, or to everbody, whom we were not marrying; it was to each other. And we both felt, and feel, that our word should mean something. Very traditional, to be sure, and right for us, as it turns out, since we've had a memorable fifty years and still have lots to talk about every day.
But we understand that times and mores have changed, that not all changes in a marriage are survivable, and that the "worse" may be intolerable. So, no judgment from our quarter, but a realization that we've been very fortunate indeed.
But we understand that times and mores have changed, that not all changes in a marriage are survivable, and that the "worse" may be intolerable. So, no judgment from our quarter, but a realization that we've been very fortunate indeed.
33
Both sets of parents were married fifty years, and we're six weeks shy of that mark now ourselves. Maybe we're like the oldfield mice described in another article in today's paper--genetically inclined to be partnered for life. Feels right.
And then there was that promise, made at the altar of St. Paul's in Aurora: for better or for worse...
And then there was that promise, made at the altar of St. Paul's in Aurora: for better or for worse...
25
That article about oldfield mice resonated with me too. My parents will be married 60 years this year. I will only be married 9 years this year, but that's because it has only been legal that long in California. I think you are right, finding another monogamous mate-for-life partner is part of the key to a successful marriage. Till death do us part. For better or for worse...
26
My parents had a terrible, damaging short-term marriage. I've been happily married for 25 years and my brother for 17. So maybe not genetic but definitely learned from what/who does not work.
6
I wonder why there's such a focus on making marriages last. Why stick with something if it isn't working? I've been happily married for almost 30 years. Our vows were that we would stay together as long as doing so contributed to our happiness. So far it has, but if he or I very badly wanted something new that would be incompatible with the marriage, such as a new lust for money, then I hope we would amicably divorce. I wouldn't view it as a failure or someone's fault, just a parting of the ways based on new priorities that are neither "good" or "bad." I don't view marriage as "work," or something to be proud of. It's probably been a good thing for our now adult son that we remained together throughout his childhood, but I'm not sure that would be true if we'd been unhappy.
36
I would view it as a failure. It's like the heart, if your heart stops working it's called heart failure, and there's always a cause whether it was poor eating habits, lack of exercise or even genetics, something contributed to it failing. With a marriage, if it doesn't last until death frees either party, then it was a failure, it wasn't a success. Our modern day society has been conditioned to not be disciplined anymore and make excuses. The reason previous generations had long successful marriages despite trials and tribulations was because they were determined to succeed, failure was not an option. But now we aren't like that, at the slightest hint of discomfort we say "this isn't for me, I'm out." It's the reason people drop out of school, the reason people can't stick to diets, the reason everyone gives up on New Year's resolutions so quickly. For a marriage to work, both people need to understand from the beginning that it is a lifetime commitment, you're effecting change on another human's life. I've seen nasty divorces and it lives people bitter, especially when children are involved. Couples need to realize that change is going to happen, and if you're not ready to accept that and everything that comes with it, you're not strong enough for marriage.
10
I count my blessings daily.
I love my wife more as the years go by; 37 years and counting.
We came into our marriage on our early 20's and had very little.
We built a very good life together through good times and bad; better than I could ever imagined.
I love my wife more as the years go by; 37 years and counting.
We came into our marriage on our early 20's and had very little.
We built a very good life together through good times and bad; better than I could ever imagined.
50
Left by my first love @ 17 for the Marines, married @ 21 for 20 years but unhappy for much of it... divorced for 10 years...then Marine shows up 34 years later- blissfully married for 7 years now.
We've both changed but the inner piece of who we were in the first round is still there today. Embracing change is important, great lesson.
We've both changed but the inner piece of who we were in the first round is still there today. Embracing change is important, great lesson.
25
My wife has a split personality disorder as do I. Neither seems to have tired of the other because our likes and dislikes change daily – sometimes hourly. Fortunately for us, we both come from wealthy families and we have a great deal of money, large amounts of it provided every two weeks from our solicitors. Beautiful marriage(s)!
20
I hope I am not laughing at someone who is telling the truth, but this is the funniest comment I have seen in years.
36
LOL......
7
I got married for the first and hopefully last at 42.
One thing I noticed is a lot of people get married young with the drive of having families. And a lot of people truly overlook the power of that drive. When the kids are grown, they try to make the most of what is left because they build life together. This is really always overlooked and almost everybody is ashamed to talk about it.
For example, you will hardly ever heard, I did not leave sooner because I really did not want to change my financial life style or get rid of the big house and live in a tiny condo or the horror! rent...These are powerful drives of what makes most marriages.
I choose, personally, to forfiet that financial desire (it is easier to build an empire as a couple) and also give up having children (another powerful drive), and get married only for we are in love today and we like each other every day....and I can say I am so far succeeding. Will it last? Who knows and who cares? I could live without him for over 40yrs and I am ecstatic I met him and love him but I do not own him and he does not and I will be happy the way we are going and see where life takes us but there is nothing keeping us together materially.
So is it change or is it other quantifiable dependencies? Those dependencies include prestige, just imagine a man running for president single....not likely. Or being the CEO of a huge company on Tinder? There are real things that keep people married.
One thing I noticed is a lot of people get married young with the drive of having families. And a lot of people truly overlook the power of that drive. When the kids are grown, they try to make the most of what is left because they build life together. This is really always overlooked and almost everybody is ashamed to talk about it.
For example, you will hardly ever heard, I did not leave sooner because I really did not want to change my financial life style or get rid of the big house and live in a tiny condo or the horror! rent...These are powerful drives of what makes most marriages.
I choose, personally, to forfiet that financial desire (it is easier to build an empire as a couple) and also give up having children (another powerful drive), and get married only for we are in love today and we like each other every day....and I can say I am so far succeeding. Will it last? Who knows and who cares? I could live without him for over 40yrs and I am ecstatic I met him and love him but I do not own him and he does not and I will be happy the way we are going and see where life takes us but there is nothing keeping us together materially.
So is it change or is it other quantifiable dependencies? Those dependencies include prestige, just imagine a man running for president single....not likely. Or being the CEO of a huge company on Tinder? There are real things that keep people married.
23
So true. You say it like it is for a lot of people.
14
Married 25 years, together 27, and while there's always change, at the very core, we in fact are still the same people. Our values are still the same, and we still love and value each other.
27
'We are not the same persons this year as last, nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. - W. Somerset Maugham
I've been married 35 years. This is on my office wall.
I've been married 35 years. This is on my office wall.
54
Great story, very easy to relate to! The squirrel story made me laugh but I could also relate to the writer's feeling of awe.
17
We have been married or together for 40+ years. It has been an amazing run and I like the idea expressed in the article that I have had several marriages with the same woman. Each one better than the last, since each new marriage was simply one more chapter in our lives! One of the reasons our marriage survived and often prospers is that we have usually treated 'love' as a verb. It is an activity. And over the years I have often tried to show her how much I love her. Sometimes a small gift on a non-ceremonial day or a note under her pillow as I was leaving on a trip and simply letting her know how much I appreciate and admire her.
Neither of us are the same person we were 40 years ago (thank goodness!). Yet change in our life was not about becoming someone new; I am still the same 'me' very similar to the 'me' from my teen years. Change was more focused on removing obstacles that inhibited our becoming who we could be. I'm much more confident in who I am and what I'm about. Part of that confidence stems from how I've grown over the year and much of my growth stems from this great relationship. I believe Lynn has experienced similar growth....but that is another story.
PS...I'm posting this under my wife's profile. If there are any complaints...look for mbremer.
Neither of us are the same person we were 40 years ago (thank goodness!). Yet change in our life was not about becoming someone new; I am still the same 'me' very similar to the 'me' from my teen years. Change was more focused on removing obstacles that inhibited our becoming who we could be. I'm much more confident in who I am and what I'm about. Part of that confidence stems from how I've grown over the year and much of my growth stems from this great relationship. I believe Lynn has experienced similar growth....but that is another story.
PS...I'm posting this under my wife's profile. If there are any complaints...look for mbremer.
31
A sad column written as if it were amusing. The changes include a husband married for a green card, a divorce emerging from depression and body weight meandering between 140 to 210. The flirtation with husband number one and especially its inclusion here reflects the underlying narcissism.
23
It's called life.
28
This was truly enjoyable. Thanks!
19
Yes, she's too inexperienced to write that it's all figured out...haha been married 45-47 years now (if you count the paperwork or not) The most challenging part of marriage is getting through stuff like one night flings your going through a midlife crisis of extreme proportions cause that is the way he does everything spouse affects you. You can throw the bum out and put yourself in an apartment and terminally poor for the rest of your life to "teach him" that it was a horrible thing to do. He will have no problem remarrying given the ratio of men to women at later ages. Then you think about how all of your relationships with relations and friends will implode. Sometimes change is a real trial. Having been through hellfire and back we are still together. This is a ten year healing learning and forgiving process. Sometimes the change you deal with has nothing to do with any of your choices. That is truly the test of a relationship.
30
I have a mental exercise I started with our daughter and have since been using with my wife. I look at each and try to see them at all her all ages. The past is easier, but the future is important, too. (And as the article observes, we are not very good at imagining the future). It helps me see what I believe is the essence of their beings, treat their beings with respect and recognize that we are always changing. With deep respect for that being, it is a privilege to be here as the changes unfold. Time to go, my wife just came home and there are groceries in the car, imagine that.
51
Divorce is a major problem in the United States that impacts generations yet we never hear anyone talk about it. There needs to be a serious conversation about this problem. Broken homes are at the root of a lot of problems in America. People need to learn to solve their problems without divorcing each other and hurting their kids for a lifetime. Divorce is the unspoken crisis that no one wants to talk about.
58
This is an oversimplified and unsubstantiated perspective. Opinions like yours are used to fuel sexism and racism. Respect for other beings is the root of many issues, but this is not limited to culturally-confined definitions of commitment.
16
Mere "culturally-confined definitions of commitment"? Then so much the worse for your culture. Face it, we exist primarily to reproduce. Until your culture is sufficiently sophisticated to move beyond this universal, unsustainable truth, you are obligated to place the interests of your children before your own. Otherwise, don't have kids.
8
Personally, I feel Highlander is correct. And I certainly would not call Highlander's commentary oversimplified or unsubstantiated.
14
We've been married nearly 41 years. I tell people that marriages have seasons.
20
What is change? Is it like art, or porn? We know it when we see it. ?? It usually recognized in hindsight. And we always put a value on it. Who gets to put the value (+/-) on the changes? By who's metric?
On the + side of 50, the whole notion of change has me wondering what is it? Do we, should we - all define it the same, and what am I embracing, and how? So I no longer do activity X that in my youth I thought I'd never do without. I changed, right? That X was fun, so is not doing it now as good of a change as I now want to make it?
My partner has changed in appearance and some opinions. None of which is an oddity. As she too no longer engages in her youthful X's. Some of which I never got to experience.
One of the issues I have with our American culture right now is we're backsliding into a meme that we should keep things frozen in a "right and proper time." We hear from some sectors today that they want to return to a time when a certain demographic had more power, wealth and status. They want to roll-back change. Inevitable change. That every culture, every civilization, every power - has been subject to. None managed to keep their status-quo, as such. The status-quo is always fleeting.
So why do we expect our close relationships to stay intact? As soon as we meet our mate, and know it, we've already changed and didn't notice it. Cant even stop it and catalogue whats going on. We're already growing apart...while moving in the same direction.
On the + side of 50, the whole notion of change has me wondering what is it? Do we, should we - all define it the same, and what am I embracing, and how? So I no longer do activity X that in my youth I thought I'd never do without. I changed, right? That X was fun, so is not doing it now as good of a change as I now want to make it?
My partner has changed in appearance and some opinions. None of which is an oddity. As she too no longer engages in her youthful X's. Some of which I never got to experience.
One of the issues I have with our American culture right now is we're backsliding into a meme that we should keep things frozen in a "right and proper time." We hear from some sectors today that they want to return to a time when a certain demographic had more power, wealth and status. They want to roll-back change. Inevitable change. That every culture, every civilization, every power - has been subject to. None managed to keep their status-quo, as such. The status-quo is always fleeting.
So why do we expect our close relationships to stay intact? As soon as we meet our mate, and know it, we've already changed and didn't notice it. Cant even stop it and catalogue whats going on. We're already growing apart...while moving in the same direction.
12
My advice to our two sons was to choose a marriage partner with the idea that you will not be able to change them. They are who they are.
57
Wait...she's only 41! This advice was great and well written, but I was expecting someone married for something like 35 years.
I mean if she's already "been through three marriages" it could get exhausting eventually.
I mean if she's already "been through three marriages" it could get exhausting eventually.
26
I like this essay and Ada's viewpoint. thank you.
11
My dad used to ask, "Would you rather be right or be married" so often that I started repeating the question to my spouse, who ultimately decided that he wanted to be right more than he wanted to be married. It's a good question, and one that everyone might try to answer honestly.
Of course, his honest answer put an end to our marriage, but at least he knew what was more important to him and acted upon it.
It was just too bad that he couldn't take his offspring into consideration, before deciding that his own personal satisfaction came before his family's welfare.
Of course, his honest answer put an end to our marriage, but at least he knew what was more important to him and acted upon it.
It was just too bad that he couldn't take his offspring into consideration, before deciding that his own personal satisfaction came before his family's welfare.
25
My favorite line came to me while reading this..I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong...
20
As a professor who teaches several courses on Marriage, and Male/Female Roles and Relationships, MS Calhoun's observations about change in spouses and marriages over time is something I touch on quite frequently The most classic and enduring article on this is one written by Sydney Jourard in the 1970, titled MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE. I tell my undergraduates that it is the most valuable wedding gift any couple could receive, and one that, as a married couple, should be read together at least twice a year. I would encourage anyone, married or single to download this insightful article.
14
The best advice for marriage is to go into it knowing that it can never end, no matter your changing feeelings. That's where we God-fearers have an advantage. No matter how much my wife and I fight, we know we are joined in an unbreakable bond by God Himself. So, we work through things, our love grows stronger and we learn to put the other first and compromise. Also, secular marriages suffer under the misconception that both partners are equals, in a kind of anarchist collective. That's not quite so, when it comes to, shall we say, the governmental policy of the family. While, as I said, each of us strives to put the other's wants and desires first, there has to be a final decision maker on contentious issues and that is the husband and father.
9
It is good that this works for you. However, for someone who is not reliable and can't hold a job, headstrong, egotistical etc., there needs to be someone else who can make reliable decisions on things that affect the marriage.
Perhaps the males in the group you call "God-fearing" have an advantage.
There is a big difference between cooperation and "an anarchist collective"
There is a big difference between cooperation and "an anarchist collective"
4
Or the wife and the mother, for many of us. Happily, I might add.
My husband died in his sleep after 38 years together. I feel so lucky that we remained so compatible throughout our life changes, and I think it was because we shared our senses of humor and, I like to say, short memories and low expectations. My friends say it's because we didn't have kids but we did turn out to be very good dog parents together. I can still hear his voice in my head and the good memories are priceless.
3
"Now I weigh about 160 pounds. When I left the hospital after being treated for a burst appendix, I weighed 140. When I was nine months pregnant and starving every second, I weighed 210. I have been everything from size 4 to 14. I have been the life of the party and a drag. I have been broke and loaded, clinically depressed and radiantly happy. Spread out over the years, I’m a harem."
Fantastically written paragraph, and I think it captures the experience of many women.
Fantastically written paragraph, and I think it captures the experience of many women.
202
Two questions: How many happily married couples do you know and how many couples are you actually jealous of? Some people are made for it but most aren't.
12
Loved this essay. Married to the same man for 35 years next month; a couple for 40 years. I know I am not always pleasant to deal with; he has his moods, as well. Yet I often marvel at my dumb luck in finding a life partner and best friend all those years ago.
51
It's pretty hard to take any serious advice from a person who admits that she had such little integrity as to marry a guy in order to get him a Green Card.
20
You and I define integrity very differently.
13
Oh, how self righteous! But people change. That's the whole point.
15
And exactly how wise and full of integrity were you at age 19?
44
Embrace change. Like when my husband of 33 years told me he'd decided he'd be happier as a woman, started wearing women's lingerie, and wanted me to treat him as a caricature of a sexually submissive woman in bed? As the Tommy Lee Jones character snaps in "Men in Black" when Will Smith's character quotes, "It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all"...."Try it."
42
Yes I think anyone sane understands that there are limits to someone's change you can tolerate if you want to keep your self respect.
17
Cute article with some wisdom, but it ignores a crucial factor: Yes, people change. Yes, it's great when people can change and grow together. But how do people stay married? The answer is, you have to be committed to the marriage, to the idea of marriage. That's what, you know, "marriage vows" are. The marriage has to be the most important thing. You resolve that no matter what, you will stay together. And every day you give more than 50% to that marriage. You give 75% or more. And if you're lucky and things work out, the rewards are huge. This is not to say that you must stay married to someone who makes you miserable, or is a horrible or abusive person. But really the only hope of a marriage surviving is that both parties must be fully committed to it, no matter what, come hell or high water, through thick or thin. You know, all the cliches. And the longevity and the shared history provide the rewards. Me, I'm in my 34th year of marriage. (Current joke: The first third of a century is the hardest.) That's what's worked for my spouse and me. Your mileage may vary.
108
How to stay married: don't get divorced. IT IS THAT EASY, AND THAT DIFFICULT.
14
Oh so true, but I think it's more like each of you giving 110%
8
These illustrations are so awful!
22
Aww, that's harsh. Brian Rea's work certainly has a folksy and child-like way of rendering the world, which to some may belie the quality of it. It's very stylized, but is clearly that of a good illustrator. I think it lends a nice touch of innocence, and at times, honesty to content that could too easily pair with art that overemphasizes sentimentality.
You're entitled to your opinion, of course. Could say it's strange, a bad fit, not your bag, but maybe leave "awful" for the stuff that's truly awful! (Like the once accompanying the Lamb or Ham for Easter Dinner?! piece the other week. Shining example of awful, that concept never should have seen the light of day.) — Sympathetic Art Director
You're entitled to your opinion, of course. Could say it's strange, a bad fit, not your bag, but maybe leave "awful" for the stuff that's truly awful! (Like the once accompanying the Lamb or Ham for Easter Dinner?! piece the other week. Shining example of awful, that concept never should have seen the light of day.) — Sympathetic Art Director
11
Great piece, thanks. In addition to the other wise commentary here, I'll simply add that compatibility and shared interests can distract from what in the long run is what a marriage stands or fails on: how both of you argue/fight and make up. If *both* partners aren't willing to talk, negotiate, and move to the middle / apologize (even sometimes when maybe they feel they shouldn't have to), if both can't admit that each is (usually) part of a problem, and if you can't fight fairly about the *real* issue at hand (no name-calling, projection, straw man fallacies, etc.), then you are well and truly screwed. Simply put, one has to love their marriage / partner more than they love themselves. Sounds obvious, perhaps, but I have seen many couples fail this basic challenge. My first marriage did. Thankfully, my current marriage is with someone that understands this...
129
This. It's all about diplomacy.
3
I think this is the best, so far. Conflict is inevitable. The way a couple argues determines whether the conflict is in the end productive or damaging.
17
I don't disagree with the conclusion of this author but I don't believe Ada Calhoun has enough facts or even anecdotal information to make a real case that embracing change is the answer. Exactly what is change? Twenty one years ago my first my wife, who I loved dearly, decided to have an affair. Behind my back of course. I was the last to know. What changed? Lots of things but none that would be embraceable. Our children were aged 15 and 19, one in college the other high school. Our business had just failed losing about $3.82 million and my wife's mother had just died. Oh, and I returned to graduate school to change my life at age 49. Now, exactly what part of all those changes should or even could be embraced? Should I embrace my wife's infidelity? How about having to return to college while doing meaningless work just to get by? Or maybe I should have embraced my wife's new lover. But what I would I say to him? Our kids were torn and a once "normal" (whatever that is) home turned into a tale from the crypt. The only thing that didn't happen was some one didn't paint our door posts with lambs blood to keep the angel of divorce and the death of marriage away. The drought of money and the pestilence of being unemployed for a brief period was another plague and surely I didn't embrace that. The only things missing were frogs and boils. Although I wished that upon a few people.
So, embrace what? Stay married for what? Embrace all this change? I embraced freedom.
So, embrace what? Stay married for what? Embrace all this change? I embraced freedom.
107
My sympathies are with you. I wish you a good wiser future.
1
Jay - your final questions completely resonate with me. If you're lucky like Ada you get a person whose changes mesh with your own and you can easily imagine that if everyone just sticks with it, it will all work out. You weren't so lucky. Either was I, who stayed with a marriage for 17 years before finding a better way to live my life. Am I happier now, 17 years later? YES!!!!!! Would I have preferred to stay married to one person whose changes meshed with mine? well of course, but we're not all that lucky and this wasn't just about 'working at it.'
9
From my reading of her piece, I did not get the impression that she was advocating putting up with infidelity. The article was about changes in habits and preferences. So no one is suggesting you embrace awful things. I'm sorry these painful events happened to you. However , I don't think this article was about your type of situation.
15
Laugh a lot. Works for me and my hubby of 24 years.
29
Two becomes one is a myth.
We are naturally encrypted by one face, one body.
Each one of us is plural.
Once you know this. you realize the lies, hypocrisy, and truths that lurk beneath us and can hopefully reset the expectations to which we are prone.
We are naturally encrypted by one face, one body.
Each one of us is plural.
Once you know this. you realize the lies, hypocrisy, and truths that lurk beneath us and can hopefully reset the expectations to which we are prone.
8
"Because I thought you had the potential to become what I need." What crazy kids we were!
12
20 comments about marriage, and nothing about cheating. I was married to a guy who I finally realized was cheating on me when his girlfriend told me I should divorce him. I obliged. (We had no children and I didn't claim alimony.)
Marriage demands trust. If you think you are not monogamous, this is important to share with your spouse before the marriage. I think I could have lived with that if it had been clear from the start.
Marriage demands trust. If you think you are not monogamous, this is important to share with your spouse before the marriage. I think I could have lived with that if it had been clear from the start.
38
There's plenty of columns, posts and blogs going on and on about cheating. Google it, and you could spend the rest of your life reading it all.
Not every relationship is threatened by either party cheating. (sexually, or otherwise)
BTW; You didn't "realize" you were being cheated on, as that would mean you came to the conclusion...figured things out to come to an inevitable conclusion. You were, by your story, duped, and were told the facts by one of the parties involved in the affair. The other woman!
You were duped by your mate, to the point where the other-woman had to tell you, by her very presence as an article of evidence, that you were being cheated on! That's not coming to realize! You give yourself too much credit.
Not every relationship is threatened by either party cheating. (sexually, or otherwise)
BTW; You didn't "realize" you were being cheated on, as that would mean you came to the conclusion...figured things out to come to an inevitable conclusion. You were, by your story, duped, and were told the facts by one of the parties involved in the affair. The other woman!
You were duped by your mate, to the point where the other-woman had to tell you, by her very presence as an article of evidence, that you were being cheated on! That's not coming to realize! You give yourself too much credit.
2
Gotta love the 'high school sweetheart'underdogs who surpass all odds!~
14
Sometimes, I think the best picks are snapped up in high school.
11
...yeah - and this sentiment was best described in the late Chuck Berry's "You Never Can Tell" - love that song and the sentiment, which was embraced by Chuck Berry's widow, who was married to him for more than 60 years. Wow!
There is a certain allure to someone who knew you when you were young and unscarred--before all that other stuff happened. When people reconnect with past loves, I think this is a big part of what's going on.
6
Change, like death and taxes are the only constants in life. There's no escaping it.
22
David is not denying Ada's "personal truth," but perhaps rejecting some of her explanations and opinions. The author comes across as a bit self-serving, which is typical when writing a memoir.
"Personal truth," I have learned, can be extremely subjective and subject to change in a heartbeat.
"Personal truth," I have learned, can be extremely subjective and subject to change in a heartbeat.
7
I believe that we expand and grow in order to build meaningful lives. Since we sometimes move in different directions, or at different paces, we are not always in alignment with our partners. Discovering the right balance between shared activities and those we need for solo development is the challenge in any marriage that lasts and in order to sustain that connection, that balance must continually shift. My first marriage ended when I could no longer bear the emotional abuse (much of it self-inflicted) and my second marriage began when I was able to make healthy choices, including falling in love someone consistently capable of consideration and respect for our relationship. In my experience, becoming our ever-expanding, best selves requires attention and flexibility -- and this often demands recalibration of expectations and needs.
20
we believe living within walking distance of our grandchildren is the 'change' we've embraced in our lives, for they surely are changing in front of our daily lives.
She has changed within the 2nd marriage, but her first marriage right at the end of her teen years, didn't have a chance not just because of Neal's unwillingness to settle down but more so her clinical depression which can not be blamed on him. Being a happy domestic may have been a mask for dealing with the reality of responsibility in a marriage and as an adult. Clinically depressed people cannot be intimate and trusting.
I've been married for 25 years to my best friend. Yes we have changed over the years bur the key is I have never expected him to make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. figuring out what makes you happy is an evolving process. in a good marriage it is a mutual process with lots of discussion and some compromise for the good of the relationship. I also think it is really important to have someone in your like who can call you on your stuff.:good and bad in a loving way. We all have our blind spots. My husband gives me perspective and has truly helped me to become a better person. None of us are perfect therefore there are no perfect marriages. But I am fortunate at the end of the day to have a marriage where we try to maximize the best in each other and minimize our differences. We have each other's backs every day.
83
I am humbled, and uplifted (inspired) by your position.
6
Besides picking partners who share the same moral and ethical values, we both have continued to grow, albeit at different paces and in different ways. We encourage each other to be our best selves, support each other in our endeavors, believe when maybe we don't want to, and participate in each other's interests (Just say 'Yes!').
When I remember that he is his own being and I am mine, I choose to continue being grateful for and love this wonderfully caring, sensitive, giving, complicated man I married. For better or for worse - he is the one who lights up my heart and my days and always will. Marriage is commitment and work but it is also full of joy.
When I remember that he is his own being and I am mine, I choose to continue being grateful for and love this wonderfully caring, sensitive, giving, complicated man I married. For better or for worse - he is the one who lights up my heart and my days and always will. Marriage is commitment and work but it is also full of joy.
35
Having recently divorced after an extended process, and now regaining sea-legs, it is a wistful pleasure to read - in the article and many comments - of long-term marriages that have grown and deepened over time. I love it when I see couples so clearly well-suited; sad because I will never know that longevity. We did not know each other well in some of the ways that count, it seems, and when those essential elements emerged over time - when our beloved band stopped touring and the kids came, and now soon to fly the nest - those fundamental incompatibilities were laid bare. I never thought I could be so lonely inside a marriage. I stepped out into the void because the idea of not doing so, and remaining in the framework of partnership while lacking the depth and intimacy, was too terrible to face. Thank you, happy long-term partners, for sharing those glimpses - like walking down the street on a winters' eve and seeing the warm light from the window of a home in passing. It gives much hope for a next chapter.
129
My sympathies are with you. I wish you a happier less lonely future.
13
Use this time in between relationships (and there will be others) to do the kind of introspection you show here. Learn to enjoy being and doing by yourself and for yourself so that when the Next Time comes, you have that much more to give. Be patient with yourself.
16
Beautifully put. Keep writing, Ramrose!
3
Thanks for this, one of my sayings has always been "the only constant is change" so I'm on the lookout for change.
My husband and I married at age 35, we had both had our "sow your oats" 20s, time to travel, time with little responsibility, at 35 we were ready, we had both owned homes and completed our education and we were settled enough to think marriage was a good idea.
And yes, we have changed since then as well, we have added a baby, now a toddler, to the mix which was a huge change for both of us. At present, we are emerging from the babyhood, trying to get back to active and activity. More than anything I am thankful, and I express it often, to have this man in my life.
My husband and I married at age 35, we had both had our "sow your oats" 20s, time to travel, time with little responsibility, at 35 we were ready, we had both owned homes and completed our education and we were settled enough to think marriage was a good idea.
And yes, we have changed since then as well, we have added a baby, now a toddler, to the mix which was a huge change for both of us. At present, we are emerging from the babyhood, trying to get back to active and activity. More than anything I am thankful, and I express it often, to have this man in my life.
14
Personally, I think gratitude is everything. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for, even at the depths of one's anger or depression or despair, and there is always something to be thankful for to be found in one's spouse, also no matter how angry or hurt one is. I can be spitting-nails angry at something he did or said but focus at least a tiny bit of energy on being thankful that he likes to cook and does so frequently, and that tiny bit of energy will grow.
21
Such a great column! Really a wonderful argument for marriage. I loved being married. Unfortunately, my soon-to-be ex slowly evolved over time into a man generally unable to show me any caring or love.
I'm the one that left, though. He actually wanted me to stay. That way, he could continue to berate me forever for all my flaws and feel better as a result.
My marriage was to different people too. In the beginning, for about 3 years, a wonderful man. Then life, some job and moving, and the man I knew started to view me with utter contempt. It makes me very sad. I hope to have a marriage like one of the commenters here one day.
I'm the one that left, though. He actually wanted me to stay. That way, he could continue to berate me forever for all my flaws and feel better as a result.
My marriage was to different people too. In the beginning, for about 3 years, a wonderful man. Then life, some job and moving, and the man I knew started to view me with utter contempt. It makes me very sad. I hope to have a marriage like one of the commenters here one day.
46
My sympathies are with you. I wish you a happier future.
15
Thanks for the interesting column. I've been married for 32+ years to a fellow who sometimes annoys me, but always delights me. And we always have something to talk about.
24
Beautiful. Thank you.
I'm European, and well familiar with the kind of endurance, mutual patience, giving each other space to change that you speak of.
I'm European, and well familiar with the kind of endurance, mutual patience, giving each other space to change that you speak of.
11
My husband and I have been together for 30 yrs. In my experience, and I see the same around me, my husband never changed much, even though changing circumstances demanded that. I found that my strength and pitfall is my capacity to adjust. This was laid bare especially when we got kids. My husband never really made the transition to fatherhood, despite the fact that we agreed beforehand that we would both work parttime and divide parenthood equally. So once our second child was born it was me that quit my job and started freelancing and became the primary caregiver. My husband had his 'daddyday' on Fridays with the kids, in his mind that was his great sacrifice. When my husband's work took our family abroad, again it was me who adjusted by giving up my work altogether. I became what I never set out to be: a full time homemaker. Untill menopause changed all that too. I woke up one day and asked myself 'What about me?'. That was six years ago. I have once again adjusted, this time to the new, assertive me and so have my two by now adult daughters. Guess who's angry and upset, and (passive) agressively trying to keep things the way they were? Yep, my husband. Several therapists, endless talking and explaining further he still refuses to accept the changes in our relationship. Oh well, just like so many other women, I'll adjust and cope with that too. What else is new.
59
All of life is change. Not just in marriage. Change can be unpleasant or hard or lucky. Everyone needs to be realistic about change. Everyone needs to cope with change or be left behind.
Sound like your husband was a difficult person. Very difficult. My sympathies are with you. If after all that counseling he is still unable to be realistic and adaptable...well, you are in a difficult place due to his unfortunate personality.
Sound like your husband was a difficult person. Very difficult. My sympathies are with you. If after all that counseling he is still unable to be realistic and adaptable...well, you are in a difficult place due to his unfortunate personality.
8
Why do you have to "adjust and cope" if it doesn't give anything back?
2
Aivil, somehow I can see your husband's perspective. What if he feels like his staying the same is a good thing and your changing was something difficult to deal with. Perhaps, if you are each happy with yourselves, then your marriage can bring you joy again. Ask your husband if he can accept your changes like you accepted his stability through all these years. Sometimes it is all a matter of perspective.
3
Nice article. Your last line was the best. I know what you mean.
Last week my husband found out there are going to be some big changes coming in his career. This is following a few rough years for us, due to his work and the demands of it.
We were in a hotel lobby, he was dressed in a suit, looked so handsome calm and reflective as he told me what may be coming, things unknown and challenging. He was the man I admire and love, but I hadn't noticed or wanted to for awhile.
And in that moment I loved him all the more for it. There are just some moments that reaffirm.
Last week my husband found out there are going to be some big changes coming in his career. This is following a few rough years for us, due to his work and the demands of it.
We were in a hotel lobby, he was dressed in a suit, looked so handsome calm and reflective as he told me what may be coming, things unknown and challenging. He was the man I admire and love, but I hadn't noticed or wanted to for awhile.
And in that moment I loved him all the more for it. There are just some moments that reaffirm.
50
In 2008 my husband of 25 years was given a very serious (terminal, but we didn't know it, or comprehend it, at that moment) diagnosis. I was there in the doctor's office with him. The doctor paused for a moment to allow us to process, and David turned to me and said, "I trust you with my life." I still can't communicate what that meant to me then, or since, or forever, especially since he passed away nine months later. But at that moment, 25 years married, I became bound to him in a way I never had been before, through 25 years of a pretty wide range of marital experiences. Watch for the moments, because it's the moments--not the days, or the holidays, or the anniversaries, or the other milestones--that make the difference, and they can, and often do, fly by unnoticed.
129
Reading this brought me chills. I am sorry for your loss those nearly 9 years ago and appreciate that you shared such a meaningful moment with the rest of us.
4
Honestly, I think marriage is a crapshoot. You know couples who it seems are perfect together (or should be perfect) and they're miserable. Then there are couples who seem ill matched but carry on contentedly. I've given up trying to figure it out. I do know that an unhappy marriage is a lonely and desperate place to be, but that seems to be where most end up.
25
Some couples put on a good public. Marriage longevity is not about a good public show.
5
Aside from anything else, this is just beautifully written. Funny in a tender way and that last line brought me to tears.
14
I am still married to my only ever wife of 54 years. And, young people always ask me how and I always say, change.
She is as precious to me now as she was from the start but we are not the same two people.
We have changed and we apparently accept that reality.
She is as precious to me now as she was from the start but we are not the same two people.
We have changed and we apparently accept that reality.
26
Married 29 years. We are so lucky to have friendships with many long lasting couples. Common thread among us all... continuing to make each other laugh.
11
Some years ago, when I just got married, I remember one person (an "old" man) told me: "if you survive the first five years, that will be a great achievement".
Now I understand him.
Now I understand him.
20
Linda, 21 hours ago, quoted Shakespeare's 116th Sonnett, my favorite verses about the beauty and strength of a deep, lifelong relationship. People seem to lose track of what holy matrimony means. It is about change. It's not easy to grow old and to overcome obstacles together but it brings depth to the individuals and the marriage, a holiness, if you will. To drift from that journey is to get lost amongst the weeds.
7
great article. I enjoyed it. loved how it ended.
7
Things change--period. That's life, that's evolution of ideas and people. To not change is denial that we can't stop it. But what my girlfriend and I have realized after 31 years of marriage, is that what keeps us together is the foundation of what attracted us to each other those years ago; the friendship, caring, and common, basic objectives for our own growth. The weight gains and losses, wrinkles, bouts of depression at al, all pale and become weatherable when understanding that we are committed to each other to make it work.
22
My husband and I have known each other since 1981 and been married since 1984, I am convinced that I would not give him a second look today if he were the same arrogant young, know-it-all, recently graduated engineer that he was then. After a lifetime together and the raising of a family, we have changed a lot, and our wants, needs and expectations have changed with us. Thank goodness!
19
I recently reconnected with someone on Facebook who I had a crush on in kindergarten. We grew up in the same neighborhood. He got married at age 20 and had five children. 17 years into his marriage he became a woman. They are still married 35 years now. If that's not embracing change I don't know what is.
39
I, also, have nothing in common with my husband. He's Republican, I'm Democrat. He likes to ride his motorcycle and hang out with the "gang", I like to travel to Europe and knit with my friends. I work full time, he's retired. We'll be married 24 years on April 25. There are times I absolutely hate him and times I really admire and love him. And I like him very much. We've got each other's back. We have never been passionately in love, yet we care very deeply about each other. As my husband says, "You have to be able to carry on a conversation after sex".
32
This was a very good read. And so true. My husband and I have been married for 25 years now and the ebb and flow of marriage can be tumultuous and calming, sometimes all in the same day. You have to go with the flow.
We do discover something new about each other all of the time. And we are always evolving. Now we are sending our only child off to college. It is taking us back to our own HS graduation and college days. Revisiting that just shows us how much we have evolved. Not grown up, really, because in some ways we are still that 18 year old inside with fears and insecurities. Anyway, it is quite a ride and even with its ups and downs we are in it for the long haul.
We do discover something new about each other all of the time. And we are always evolving. Now we are sending our only child off to college. It is taking us back to our own HS graduation and college days. Revisiting that just shows us how much we have evolved. Not grown up, really, because in some ways we are still that 18 year old inside with fears and insecurities. Anyway, it is quite a ride and even with its ups and downs we are in it for the long haul.
8
Define "change." Consider the terms behaviour and personality. I use the analogy of a boulder. Over time it changes shape on the outside and thereby it appears to change. Yet beneath that shallow outer layer is a deep, wide core of the original shape and composition. I believe the core of my life partner of 47 years is the young girl I dated at 15, as I am that boy. Granted that our behaviour has changed as we grew in experience and wisdom, but my deep seated choice of response ( what I really want to say, do, think) is how I always felt.
If my wife became more astute financially and I more nuturing ( what a cliché! ), we both still feel more comfortable NOT having those traits. "Naturally" , she would prefer not to be aware of $ and I am more comfortable being brash/straight from the hip 'honest.' We appear to change, but below the surface is the comfortable original, authentic self. The definition of education is a change of behaviour, but not personality. We educated each other. In terms of Modern Love, it seems we were lucky to have stumbled upon the core of somebody that suited each of us. I needed somebody warm who learned to be more pragmatic, and she needed somebody brash ( outgoing) who learned to be softer. So "change" is how one defines the concept. I just read this (personal) note to her. She agrees, as I knew she would because she is warm and accepting as she was at 15 and I felt the need to write this as I would have at 15 -- just with better grammer.
If my wife became more astute financially and I more nuturing ( what a cliché! ), we both still feel more comfortable NOT having those traits. "Naturally" , she would prefer not to be aware of $ and I am more comfortable being brash/straight from the hip 'honest.' We appear to change, but below the surface is the comfortable original, authentic self. The definition of education is a change of behaviour, but not personality. We educated each other. In terms of Modern Love, it seems we were lucky to have stumbled upon the core of somebody that suited each of us. I needed somebody warm who learned to be more pragmatic, and she needed somebody brash ( outgoing) who learned to be softer. So "change" is how one defines the concept. I just read this (personal) note to her. She agrees, as I knew she would because she is warm and accepting as she was at 15 and I felt the need to write this as I would have at 15 -- just with better grammer.
160
My wife and I have almost nothing in common. Politics, entertainment choices, sex drive, the whole ball of wax. Almost no overlap at all. But here's the trick: it has ALWAYS been thus, and we still love each other.
I have a theory: marriages break up because a couple which once had shared all things and had almost everything in common, they drift apart slowly as they change, and they don't know how to deal with it. While my marriage remains, we have seen countless other "perfectly-matched couples" drift apart and divorce.
If you are getting married because your prospective partner and you are perfectly compatible and your tastes perfectly overlap.. those are the marriages that are most at risk from change.
I have a theory: marriages break up because a couple which once had shared all things and had almost everything in common, they drift apart slowly as they change, and they don't know how to deal with it. While my marriage remains, we have seen countless other "perfectly-matched couples" drift apart and divorce.
If you are getting married because your prospective partner and you are perfectly compatible and your tastes perfectly overlap.. those are the marriages that are most at risk from change.
231
I inadvertently flagged this insightful comment in error. So sorry for the error.
2
You both went into your marriage with the proper attitude toward commitment.
Attitudes are chosen. I learned this from cognitive counseling. No matter what change happens, good or bad, especially bad, choosing a good attitude is the key.
I don't need to wish you good luck, you already have. You chose it.
I like your post!
Attitudes are chosen. I learned this from cognitive counseling. No matter what change happens, good or bad, especially bad, choosing a good attitude is the key.
I don't need to wish you good luck, you already have. You chose it.
I like your post!
5
Social science has established pretty firmly that many basic personality traits and features are quite stable over time. What changes are the challenges we face in life.
My husband is the same man I married 26 years ago: instinctual, upbeat, affiliative, extroverted, narcissistic in a good way (the type who seeks attention through charisma and doing generous things for others so as to become central in their lives – – not the malignant, self-promoting, shallow, lying type – – you can probably think of an example of the malignant type living in DC right now). I am a more evidence- driven, cautious, pragmatic person who leads from the brain rather than the gut. I like other people generally, but if some of them don't like me back I can live with it.
Despite our different personality orientations, our marriage was stable and happy until a major challenge emerged: the kids changed from babies and small kids into adolescents and young adults. At that time, my husband's accommodating and affection-seeking behaviors began to seem to me more like neediness and pandering, stunting the our kids' ability to grow into a strong, independent, accountable adults. The very same traits and behaviors in a new situation changed, in my view, from a positive into decided negative. This has led to very serious and repeated conflicts that have threatened the foundations of our marriage.
My husband is the same man I married 26 years ago: instinctual, upbeat, affiliative, extroverted, narcissistic in a good way (the type who seeks attention through charisma and doing generous things for others so as to become central in their lives – – not the malignant, self-promoting, shallow, lying type – – you can probably think of an example of the malignant type living in DC right now). I am a more evidence- driven, cautious, pragmatic person who leads from the brain rather than the gut. I like other people generally, but if some of them don't like me back I can live with it.
Despite our different personality orientations, our marriage was stable and happy until a major challenge emerged: the kids changed from babies and small kids into adolescents and young adults. At that time, my husband's accommodating and affection-seeking behaviors began to seem to me more like neediness and pandering, stunting the our kids' ability to grow into a strong, independent, accountable adults. The very same traits and behaviors in a new situation changed, in my view, from a positive into decided negative. This has led to very serious and repeated conflicts that have threatened the foundations of our marriage.
89
I really admire your honesty and ability to discern what's going on in your life and marriage. I can also relate to a lot of what you describe.
1
Lydia, you stop your comment at a point of crisis as if to indicate the "foundations" will collapse and you will lose your marriage. At this point I say (to my husband) "We have come this far". The struggle of your adolescent and adult children to find themselves is monumental and iconic in almost any family. I bet your children will be helped more in this by you guys staying together. Just a hunch. They love you both. They know you have different styles. Give them space and even ignore them, let them fail and go off and do things with your mate you find enjoyable. Ten years down the road things will be different again and you'll be glad you put time into your spouse and let the children chips fall where they may.
14
Of course I don't know what your husband is doing with your children. But being gentle with them may not only be due to attention-seeking behavior. He may want to avoid being harsh or domineering, or just unconsciously mimicking the way he was treated as an adolescent. A "cautious" approach may make children fearful. Fortunately, there will be many other influences on the children's growth (teachers, peers, coaches) so their chances will not necessarily be hurt by the various sub-optimal parenting that nearly everyone gets.
2
I don't disagree with what's written, but I do think one crucial element was omitted which is LIKING your spouse in addition to LOVING your spouse. I knew my husband when he was married to his first wife. they divorced after 15 years of unhappiness. He and I finally connected some time later and started to hang out for over two years before we decided to get married. For both of us, the idea of marriage was a no brainer. We were both older, knew each other for a long time, and really, really liked spending time together. The romance was the icing and cherry on top of the relationship. We've been together for over 30 years now. We both feel we are each other's best friend. Granted, there are moments when the weather isn't always sunny with blue skies, but that's part of a committed relationship. And a committed friendship. We pretty much live by a few simple guidelines - we tell each other "I love you" every day (a bunch of times really), we often do unexpected kindness for each other, we are respectful and considerate to each other, we apologize when one or the other makes a mistake, and most importantly, we know when NOT to say something that could be hurtful in a moment of anger because those harmful words can never be taken back. And hurtful words tend to fester and erode any relationship over time. Lastly, we both love cats AND dogs together. Life is grand and solid in the Keller family. We honestly think we are extremely lucky - we just click.
404
Hear, hear! Yours could be the description of the relationship and marriage my wife of three years and I share (my third marriage, her second; me, 62, her, 53, first met in and exclusively together since 2010). I can with complete sincerity proclaim that I love her, I'm in in love with her, and I thoroughly enjoy her company as my great good friend. It feels like we've hit life's lottery every single time we share anything, from a good cup of coffee to a great adventure to a deep, unhurried kiss.
1
you are lucky and I wish you continued success
8
Thank you for the very kind and sweet post. Another one of our elder cats passed away today. I have been so sad and torn up about his passing. This post brought tears of joy and a lightness to my soul. Thanks again!!!
8
My husband and I are coming up on three years of marriage, so we're definitely not anywhere near the wisdom and experience of those of you that have been marriage for a long time, but I think the conversation should be beyond physical change. From the time I met my husband five years ago to the present, he has become a deeply spiritual and religious man, while I'm still on the journey to find that relationship with my faith. That lends for some interesting conversation, and also development as I push him toward patience and he pushes me toward personal growth. We are constantly works in progress, and to think that a relationship isn't worth nurturing because in this specific moment we are too different is, I think, short-sighted. I appreciated this honest read; definitely one of the best columns I've read. Thank you!
38
Loved the illustration. After 51 years of marriage I am still a bit alarmed that my husband does this. I used to nag him about such things. After all, I groomed myself in private. And I don't leave my underwear in the middle of the floor or hold my fork like a child or leave drawers hanging open. But after years of grappling with the emotions and problems and inevitable troubles that marriage, children and careers bring the bottom line is that I love him dearly. He is my lover and best friend and we have embraced the changes as well as the routines of daily life. And sometimes silence is the best option.
139
Or, as Ruth Bader Ginsberg observed, "Sometimes in a marriage it helps "to be a little deaf."
39
Sorry, not buying it. Your brother (or a neighbor) could take care of your lawn or hammer a nail or have helped you get rid of that chipmunk. But would you want to hold his hand when you are out in public or curl up next to him, kiss him or, God forbid, have sex with him when in private? Our spouses/partners do one thing for us that others can't-- they satisfy our need for physical touch and emotional intimacy. That's not the only thing they do by any means, but it is their unique gift to us. Accept change from lover to brother/sister at your peril.
71
How can you "not buy" someone else's personal truth about her own life?
204
You're not getting it - she's not looking for a hammer-wielding-chipmunk-capturing handy man to fix things, it's the enjoyable surprise she gets in finding out that the man she thought she knew had such talents.
I would bet any amount of money that the image of the plastic breakfast bowl arcing through the air will be front of mind on many an occasion when she curls up next to him.
Read the subtext.
I would bet any amount of money that the image of the plastic breakfast bowl arcing through the air will be front of mind on many an occasion when she curls up next to him.
Read the subtext.
56
i 100% agree! touch, kissing, intimacy etc is essential in a relationship. without that most men and women stray.........
My husband and I debate the meaning of this sonnet of Shakespeare, but I believe it is is about true lovers growing old together. And yes, we've been married for 40 years, meeting at age 19 in college. Much water under the bridge and over the dam.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
if this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
if this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
188
So different from the notion of love you get in Romeo and Juliet.
This is a beautiful piece of writing.
This is a beautiful piece of writing.
3
My husband and I recited this sonnet to each other when at our wedding ceremony (I did the first two quatrains, he did the rest.) That was 2 dogs, 3 kids, 4 moves, and almost 25 years ago.
6
Nice thanks for that, I have this white gold ring on my finger that is a symbol of a promise. I may not always want to but I keep the promise. That is the point, for me. If I put it on I was not going to take it off. My husband lost his at a restaurant.
but I do see how divorce is necessary and it should be easier so that the acrimony and the kids getting fought over, and the bitterness can be alleviated because if you need or want a divorce then there has probably already been quite a bit of discontent. And it should not cost so much money. All you have to do to get married is get a license from the state down at the Town Hall. Divorce should be that simple.
but I do see how divorce is necessary and it should be easier so that the acrimony and the kids getting fought over, and the bitterness can be alleviated because if you need or want a divorce then there has probably already been quite a bit of discontent. And it should not cost so much money. All you have to do to get married is get a license from the state down at the Town Hall. Divorce should be that simple.
The timing of this article is *perfect.* I'm getting married in a week and I deeply appreciate this reminder that our changes can be marked by joy and curiosity and deepening love (rather than fear).
This was my favorite line. “I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve just all been with the same person.”
What a beautiful, spacious perspective. Thank you.
This was my favorite line. “I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve just all been with the same person.”
What a beautiful, spacious perspective. Thank you.
297
The author brings up some good points in this essay. I am a 48 yo female, never married, so I am no expert. But I have thought a lot about this subject. I think the most important thing is to stay active in the relationship. And I don't just mean physically active, although that helps. For me, it would be important to have continued growth in my partner. I know this is going to sound cold, but I also wouldn't have wanted to marry a person who was active, employed, and in-shape only to find them 10 years later sitting on the couch, watching TV, with no job, and not taking care of themselves. If it's a temporary thing, I get it. But I think each of us has an obligation to maintain our physical/mental/spiritual health and I see so many people give up on that. If someone just "gave up" and expected me to care for them (financially, emotionally, spiritually), I don't think I could handle that. And I see that a lot in marriages - where one person stops contributing and the other is doing a huge amount of work to keep everything together. I never wanted to be in a situation like that. Sadly, at 48, I meet a lot of people who just want to be taken care of both financially and physically and I know that's not for me.
I also think there's no way to tell what the future holds. One hundred years ago, peoples' lives were shorter. Today, expecting a marriage to last 50 years is somewhat unrealistic given the state of our world. I'd say if a marriage lasts 10 years, it's a success.
I also think there's no way to tell what the future holds. One hundred years ago, peoples' lives were shorter. Today, expecting a marriage to last 50 years is somewhat unrealistic given the state of our world. I'd say if a marriage lasts 10 years, it's a success.
76
Well said. Many kinds of changes are fine, good, interesting, or perhaps just an opportunity to learn patience and compassion. However, a change from responsible to irresponsible---not OK.
In reply to M, in Sacramento.
I am also a never married woman of 57. I would have to agree about your comment that the person 'gives up'. That to me would say they no longer have any personal pride or ambition. They got the girl. That would be very disappointing to me, as I have never been that type of person, and could not be around such a changed attitude.
Life is for living, so why give up when married?
I am also a never married woman of 57. I would have to agree about your comment that the person 'gives up'. That to me would say they no longer have any personal pride or ambition. They got the girl. That would be very disappointing to me, as I have never been that type of person, and could not be around such a changed attitude.
Life is for living, so why give up when married?
Such cynicism. 10 years doesn't cut it if children are involved. You made the right decision about marriage.
1
It is true that people change, and staying with people who change is hard work (I am recently divorced). But I think the real question is whether marriage makes sense in the first place, especially when people are living as long as they do now. Some people might be better off just living together. Others might be happier living alone. We need to question our assumption that marriage should be the goal for everyone. Also, why is it so much easier to get married than it is to get divorced, even in this day and age?
Finally, while change is inevitable, how much bodily change we each experience can be controlled to a great degree though attention to diet and lifestyle. Movie stars who have long careers have usually figured this out. If movie stars can figure it out, we can too; It's not rocket science. I advocate a vegan diet, thinking it is probably the one of the surest approaches to avoiding weight gain (and optimizing overall health). Getting enough exercise is also important. Of course, not every movie star is a vegan, so there must be other approaches that can work. (As a rule, I would not look to movie stars for good examples of long and happy marriages. Apparently, even when bodies don't change much, divorce can occur.)
Finally, while change is inevitable, how much bodily change we each experience can be controlled to a great degree though attention to diet and lifestyle. Movie stars who have long careers have usually figured this out. If movie stars can figure it out, we can too; It's not rocket science. I advocate a vegan diet, thinking it is probably the one of the surest approaches to avoiding weight gain (and optimizing overall health). Getting enough exercise is also important. Of course, not every movie star is a vegan, so there must be other approaches that can work. (As a rule, I would not look to movie stars for good examples of long and happy marriages. Apparently, even when bodies don't change much, divorce can occur.)
29
Agreed. I love the idea of having a long term partner but still living alone. After a recent breakup at 37, after living together for five years, I'm looking at everything differently.
Really successful movie stars can hire private cooks who follow dietary needs, private trainers, massage therapists and other just for me goodies. To compare their successful lives to day to day lives of regular Joes and Josephines is nuts. I quit drinking and (surprise) lost a ton of weight. Our celebrities are mostly terribly insecure people who depend on their popularity to message their self worth. Try being married to a circus like that! Seems like we push that ideal on youth today, me me me. So yeah there are a lot of divorces..
2
my ex-husband is a wonderful kind man. but i changed and wanted different things and we unfortunately didn't evolve together. so we divorced and we are very good friends. i just couldn't "use" someone because he had money and it was comfortable when deep inside i didn't feel free/happy. BUT i was the 1% that left the comfortable, safe life. i should have just stayed in it and faked it and had affairs instead of ending things. it seems like in 2017 the way to live is have your cake and eat it too. what makes me laugh and smile when others actually cluck their tongue and feel sorry for me because i left a good, prosperous marriage. in return i ask, are you truly happy? are you sure the other partner didn't/isn't stray? especially with today's technology, cheating is so easy. if you're truly not happy and things don't change why stay in the marriage? because it's safe and easy? sad how humans are programmed that way........wished we were a braver race.......
63
There is nothing more important than financial stability. Some people cannot afford to leave a relationship so staying and straying is their only option. Financial instability isn't brave, it's miserable dangerous, scary, depressing, and destroys your health. You can be quite happy if you have financial stability, even if you no longer love your partner, as long as you have your needs met elsewhere.
11
I have been married for 28 years and yes, we have both changed. Fortunately, we still have many things in common. I think you not only have to embrace change but facilitate it. Small things that open you up to new experiences can keep things from getting boring and solidify a relationship. We started our marriage by taking scuba classes together and now this is an activity we both enjoy. Further along in the marriage we took a wine tasting class and now enjoy travel to wine country. When we first got married, my husband went to the same restaurants over and over, while I wanted to try new places. Now he loves trying new restaurants as well as his old favorites. In this way, we have built more things in common over the years and I think this is one of the key reasons we are still married.
38
This is true of marriage and life more generally. This was edifying to read. Thanks.
22
My first marriage ended in divorce because we truly did not know each other. At the time I developed some rather elaborate theories about the elements contributing to the failure, i.e., I was happy in my job, done with school, and just wanted to make money ,relax and work on the house and maybe have a kid but it was never a priority. She was into her career and wanted to get a doctorate...but all of this was disclosed to me as we got to know each other. Like I said...we didn't know each other very well. Then she got pregnant and we had to factor that in. Our communication skills were nil. I didn't want the things she wanted and she didn;t want the things I wanted. Divorce was the only option. At that age why settle or compromise. In the end the theories were just that. The bottomline? We didn't know each other very well....had we...we would have parted after a few years and called it a day.
36
Divorce is never the only option. You could have gotten to know and appreciate the mother of your child--wouldn't that be worth it?
1
Love this because my husband of 50+ years and I have always been the same book reading woods and shore walking children loving and slightly bohemian couple. We had friends in the East village and uptown. It is our sameness over time and our sameness to each other that sustains us.
26
Got married at 18, my husband was 24, still married 45 years later. We have plenty to talk about everyday. Your marriage is what you make it. We make it fun! In the fall we are going on a cruise, only our second. We like to take road trips, done plenty of those.
110
Change is the enemy and a friend. After 50 plus years together I realize that the boy I met in high school is not the one I am married to. And—it's a good thing. He is kinder, more generous and smarter. Accept the fact that we ALL change, and growing old together is hard but sometimes it just works!
306
And vice versa no doubt!
3
I completely agree with your sentiments Mary. My mother used to say that the biggest gab bags in life were marriage and kids - you never know what you will end up with. Sincere congrats on your 50+ years of wedded bliss and many more.
5
The greatest enemy of marriage is boredom. I have been married twice and divorced my first husband for one reason only - we had nothing to talk about. One day I woke up, looked at the man I had married when we were barely older than teenagers and imagined myself growing old and listening to the same stories and opinions over and over again. Next day I filed for divorce. Now my second husband and I still have the capacity to surprise and entertain each other - and this is all that counts. As people live longer, marriage will have to change. Perhaps the idea of a marriage contract with built-in time limits has merit.
195
But your spouse need not be the source of your intellectual or entertainment stimulation.
7