I have short hair. I am constantly assumed to be gay. i usually don't bother to correct people because I don't care what people think. But, for the record i have never ever been attracted to women, i am drawn to men. I just like short hair, sweats and jeans. Never assume tom boys aren't as fem as frilly dress girls.
100
This article and some of the comments take me back, not in a good way, to my own tomboyish youth. To me, "tomboy" was and is a word with a double-edged meaning: in many cases, it means "girl who looks dangerously close to being queer, and we hope by labeling her a tomboy instead of a lesbian, she'll grow out of it." The "she'll discover boys" narrative I'm seeing in some comments can be really damaging. Some people do; some don't.
Looking back, I had a very, very clear idea of my gender identity and orientation at age 4. I did "boy stuff" and may have even expressed wanting to be a boy at some point, but if anyone had offered to help me transition, I would've known that wasn't what I wanted. I also knew I mostly liked girls, although I had no word for it. The notion that kids can be "confused" about their gender identity is farcical, and insulting to transgender people. Kids know who they are. They might not always know how to express it, but they know.
To the author: kids are much more perceptive than you think. Listen to your child. Don't speak for them. They are masters at absorbing the subtle messages adults send them, and by saying loudly everywhere you go that your child is a girl, you may be unwittingly sending a message that you have an expectation about how they will turn out. Tomboys can grow up to be cis, trans, gay, bi, or any combination thereof. All of those things are ok. Remember that your child doesn't belong to you, and only they know who they are.
Looking back, I had a very, very clear idea of my gender identity and orientation at age 4. I did "boy stuff" and may have even expressed wanting to be a boy at some point, but if anyone had offered to help me transition, I would've known that wasn't what I wanted. I also knew I mostly liked girls, although I had no word for it. The notion that kids can be "confused" about their gender identity is farcical, and insulting to transgender people. Kids know who they are. They might not always know how to express it, but they know.
To the author: kids are much more perceptive than you think. Listen to your child. Don't speak for them. They are masters at absorbing the subtle messages adults send them, and by saying loudly everywhere you go that your child is a girl, you may be unwittingly sending a message that you have an expectation about how they will turn out. Tomboys can grow up to be cis, trans, gay, bi, or any combination thereof. All of those things are ok. Remember that your child doesn't belong to you, and only they know who they are.
65
This article brings up so many important questions about what is gender normative. Hopefully we are evolving away from gender normative and more toward our own personal individuality regardless of gender.
42
I loved this! How refreshing to find a mother who understands her daughter's rejections of girly stuff, "princess" stuff. The label, "tomboy," is old-fashioned, isn't it. But that young lady sounds healthy and living in a healthy environment. Republicans in North Caroline know nothing about healthy environments as they adhere to old labels from the 19th century. My god, who would want to live in such a state.
25
Amen. She sounds a lot like how I was at that age- and both of us were lucky enough NOT to have mothers who made us wear pink, forbade matchbox cars (I still have mine somewhere), always wear girly clothes (only sometimes), take ballet (my Mom let me quit fortunately), and not think past the gender norms being forced upon us. I ran faster than most boys in school, but I liked boys in high school, and I am most definitely a woman now.
48
When I was growing up in the forties and fifties, I wore simple cotton dresses (sewen by my mother) to school but when I came home I wore jeans and shirts, gender-neutral because that’s all there was. A favorite outfit at age six: cowboy shirt, jeans, cowboy boots. Modern commerce sells parents of daughters signifiers of gender by offering princesshood: tutus, sparkling wands, little crowns, girly clothes often in shades of pink, makeup, even little bows for girl babies. It’s no wonder some girl children are attracted to the comparative austerity—and better taste—of boys’ clothing.
75
WOW !
12
I was born in 1953 and never was a girly girl. I am mistaken for a male when people don't look closely. I am fully woman and this is what woman looks like (thank you Gloria!). Androgeny is liberation!
53
Asking is fine, but continuing to ask and even to pressure after getting the answer that is not the one they expected is conveying the message that she should want not to have to be a girl, that to be a girl is to be inferior. Not cool.
43
The author's daughter is my shero.
28
Well said, Lisa Selin Davis.
18
The best thing to do is let kids be kids and find their own way. Just because a boy whose 6 and wants to wear a dress and be called a girl doesn't always mean they are transgender. Odds are if left alone they'll put away the dress and go back to being a boy all on their own.
They're experimenting and finding out who they are. Don't force them to make a choice either way because the child might not know themselves yet.
The worst thing that can be done is for the parents to go all out and legally change their gender, order the schools to do so as well, etc. What if, after all of it, the child wants to go back to their birth gender? Do they feel pressure after all the things their parents did not to rock the boat? That could lead to serious issues down the road.
Unfortunately some parents, a low number but they exist, treat their child explorer as a new 'status symbol'. Those are the one you see having their own 'reality show' on TV.
In the end, the best thing is let children be themselves and accept them for who they eventually find themselves to be.
They're experimenting and finding out who they are. Don't force them to make a choice either way because the child might not know themselves yet.
The worst thing that can be done is for the parents to go all out and legally change their gender, order the schools to do so as well, etc. What if, after all of it, the child wants to go back to their birth gender? Do they feel pressure after all the things their parents did not to rock the boat? That could lead to serious issues down the road.
Unfortunately some parents, a low number but they exist, treat their child explorer as a new 'status symbol'. Those are the one you see having their own 'reality show' on TV.
In the end, the best thing is let children be themselves and accept them for who they eventually find themselves to be.
72
I would take great offense at anybody who questioned my child's orientation, that way lies creating those things that they desire. I see plenty of girls who compete in various college sports who are in great physical shape and if you did not know they were female you might not be sure. Girls today can be anything that their talents, ability, and drive can take them.
24
THANK YOU for writing this piece! I could have written every word of it, inspired by my daughter. Just last week, a total stranger in the grocery store called my daughter a boy, then I corrected her - "She's a girl," a daily occurrence. Then, this woman looked at my poor kid and said, "Oh, are you one of 'those'? You go both ways??" which was met with total confusion (and internal distress). Many people we encounter seem to struggle when a child falls outside typical gender roles/styles/expectations, which I can forgive. But I can't forgive them forgetting their sense of humanity and respect in the process.
85
The writer reminds us that it's important to not fall into the trap that gender identity must be "binary" (either a male OR a female); there are many expressions of gender and not every kid or teenager who embodies a non-conventional gender is trans.
"Tomboy" was the identity I had (as a kid) and, somehow it fitted me perfectly as the athletic, boyish girl that I was. And I always did feel like a girl.........we should not "lose" those gender possibilities in our quest to be trans-sensitive.
"Tomboy" was the identity I had (as a kid) and, somehow it fitted me perfectly as the athletic, boyish girl that I was. And I always did feel like a girl.........we should not "lose" those gender possibilities in our quest to be trans-sensitive.
69
“Tomboy” is a pejorative word. It means a girl who is dressing or acting like a boy. Imagine that! She wants to wear comfortable shoes and clothing, and does not find it necessary to define her sexuality with tiaras, sequins, and mommy’s high heels. If she prefers a game of soccer that makes her a tomboy. If she loves tea parties, she is a princess. Is she allowed to like both without a label?
Ms. Davis should not be proud that her daughter is a tomboy, and should stop stuffing her into an outmoded definition. Instead she should celebrate her independent thinking, without pushing her into a category. Would she be happier if her daughter grows into a young woman whose ultra high heels will ultimately cripple her feet, and who will be expected to wear clothing that displays either her cleavage or breasts, or both, for public delectation.
The statue of that defiant little girl facing the Wall Street Bull is a model for girls. I suspect she would have been dismissed as just a tomboy if she were wearing jeans instead of a skirt.
I am a married octogenarian with children and a granddaughter. I loved to wear jeans and slacks as a child, way before pants suits became a fashion choice. I also was an excellent athlete and deeply resented that my skill was diminished with the epithet “tomboy.”
Ms. Davis should not be proud that her daughter is a tomboy, and should stop stuffing her into an outmoded definition. Instead she should celebrate her independent thinking, without pushing her into a category. Would she be happier if her daughter grows into a young woman whose ultra high heels will ultimately cripple her feet, and who will be expected to wear clothing that displays either her cleavage or breasts, or both, for public delectation.
The statue of that defiant little girl facing the Wall Street Bull is a model for girls. I suspect she would have been dismissed as just a tomboy if she were wearing jeans instead of a skirt.
I am a married octogenarian with children and a granddaughter. I loved to wear jeans and slacks as a child, way before pants suits became a fashion choice. I also was an excellent athlete and deeply resented that my skill was diminished with the epithet “tomboy.”
27
These overzealous attempts to be "openminded" are just as oppressive as the hardcore traditionalists who insist birth certificate gender is the only determination. Shows how any basically good, well-meaning, idea can be taken too far.
64
Wonderful. It's great to see a kid being herself. It is regrettable that many adults cannot take what you or she says at face value. Strikes me that she has more fortitude than the incredulous adults.
30
In the middle of 7th grade I moved to a small town. I found out later that the girl who lived next to me called her friends to tell them a really cute boy had moved in next door.
The lady at the movie theater asked, "What can I get you young man" ?
I never corrected these people, just let life roll along until they realized their mistake. I had perfect confidence in me and what I was about. Ended up a Chemistry professor and happy wife and Mom. Sometimes the less said, the better.
The lady at the movie theater asked, "What can I get you young man" ?
I never corrected these people, just let life roll along until they realized their mistake. I had perfect confidence in me and what I was about. Ended up a Chemistry professor and happy wife and Mom. Sometimes the less said, the better.
68
You lived what I wanted to say. Lincolesque
8
I know this is counter-feel good; I too am trans. I mean really trans. I wore dresses every chance I could as a kid. Okay.
But this piece is throwing up softballs for Times liberals to hit out of the park. As far as I know girls never got too much grief for dressing and playing like boys. Try it the other way around with boys that want to play traditional feminine roles. Hmmm.
I consider myself a feminist too, but there are enough real gender discrimination issues in the world without breaking our arms trying to pat our own backs.
But this piece is throwing up softballs for Times liberals to hit out of the park. As far as I know girls never got too much grief for dressing and playing like boys. Try it the other way around with boys that want to play traditional feminine roles. Hmmm.
I consider myself a feminist too, but there are enough real gender discrimination issues in the world without breaking our arms trying to pat our own backs.
18
I agree that females have fought and achieved a broader range of acceptable behavior than men have been able to achieve. Imagine that I fought in the 60s to wear pants to high school !
I am hoping men push for wearing skirts because it is so enjoyable.
I am hoping men push for wearing skirts because it is so enjoyable.
16
When I was her age I had girl friends who played in the creek bottom, woodlots and hedgerows with me and my male friends. Nothing weird. Here in SE Alaska it's the odd girl or woman who doesn't play as hard as the boys and men.
16
Male, female...its really not that complicated. If people want to look a certain way, so what? That does not mean gender has to be attacked because there are people who have their own personal issues with it. So tired of this conversation.
15
More and more I become convinced that the bill of rights is more of a dream sheet. Not what we live by, but what we aspire to be. How can it? Slavery was still practiced in this century even though we want to live in a country that treats everyone as equals.
Prince had a song called "controversy'. Very telling lyrics. In this free society, freedom of choice and freedom of religion, we are still obsessed with color, gender, race. Nope we're not there.
Your daughter sounds wonderful and perfectly normal. She's on the right track mom. I hope you teach her patience. From that she will develop tolerance on her own. Later when she's older, you can tell her how idiotic people in a free society can be..peace!
Prince had a song called "controversy'. Very telling lyrics. In this free society, freedom of choice and freedom of religion, we are still obsessed with color, gender, race. Nope we're not there.
Your daughter sounds wonderful and perfectly normal. She's on the right track mom. I hope you teach her patience. From that she will develop tolerance on her own. Later when she's older, you can tell her how idiotic people in a free society can be..peace!
10
isn't your rejection of the princess look exactly what you're complaining about?!!!!
7
No, she's not a "tomboy."
She's a girl. Even you--so modern and aware--trip on this pothole.
Female daintiness was a pretty--well, no, ugly--modern fiction. It should not be some revelatory discovery that women are physically active, strong, hearty--insert adjective of your choice--beings. For most of unrecorded and recorded history, we gestated children while doing more than a full day's work; gave birth; went back to the fields or put dinner on the table, etc. etc. etc. We invented plaiting so we could keep all that hair out of our way while we did all that.
It is too bad that in the rush to get on the politically-correct bandwagon du jour, too many "progressives" are truncating the full spectrum of femaleness. Many young people struggling with an understanding of their place in the world are being pushed into expressing an identity that--without a medical diagnosis--has no basis in fact.
Children can only express themselves with the language available to them. If they absorb--and they're learning from birth onward, remember--the idea that boys occupy strictly defined spheres and girls occupy the opposite, they may indeed insist they are something other than what their biological identity is.
Perhaps a simple question--"why do you feel like a boy/like a girl"--rather than a rush to "accept" what a child actually may not be saying--would resolve a lot of confusion.
She's a girl. Even you--so modern and aware--trip on this pothole.
Female daintiness was a pretty--well, no, ugly--modern fiction. It should not be some revelatory discovery that women are physically active, strong, hearty--insert adjective of your choice--beings. For most of unrecorded and recorded history, we gestated children while doing more than a full day's work; gave birth; went back to the fields or put dinner on the table, etc. etc. etc. We invented plaiting so we could keep all that hair out of our way while we did all that.
It is too bad that in the rush to get on the politically-correct bandwagon du jour, too many "progressives" are truncating the full spectrum of femaleness. Many young people struggling with an understanding of their place in the world are being pushed into expressing an identity that--without a medical diagnosis--has no basis in fact.
Children can only express themselves with the language available to them. If they absorb--and they're learning from birth onward, remember--the idea that boys occupy strictly defined spheres and girls occupy the opposite, they may indeed insist they are something other than what their biological identity is.
Perhaps a simple question--"why do you feel like a boy/like a girl"--rather than a rush to "accept" what a child actually may not be saying--would resolve a lot of confusion.
32
I was so thrilled to read your article. I was born in the 1950s but was blessed to have a Dad that recognized I was drawn to train sets, race cars, and space ships rather than Barbie and Chatty Cathy. When I asked him about it just a few years ago, since in many ways he was a very conservative man, he explained that he simply presented me with a choice of objects to play with and honored my choices. He also raised me to be the urban equivalent of a cowgirl, not a cupcake. I have never wanted to be a boy, or later a man. I have always been quite content being myself, being a girl and then a woman who is confident, self-assured and completely fearless. If people have a problem with how I am, I know that is their problem.
42
I'm a girl who grew up in the "non-enlightened" era (40s - 50s). I had no gender dysphoria but also no interest in frills, high heels, or makeup; further, I was always interested in new adventures and pursued those interests. My dad, who in his youth had spent time as a cowboy in Montana and a sailor around the world, once said to me, "You shoulda been a boy." I took that as a compliment!
24
Similarly, many people are being misdiagnosed as having Asperger's just because people who are simply shy or reserved.
People nowadays look for ways to categorize everything, instead of respecting and appreciating true individualism.
People nowadays look for ways to categorize everything, instead of respecting and appreciating true individualism.
61
I'm a "girly-girl", always have been, but as a kid I liked a lot of "boy things", just because they were interesting and fun. I would wear jeans and sweatshirts for some activities, and then pretty dresses for others. I didn't see what was so odd about that. Then at 14, my mother talked me into a "pixie cut" hairstyle (she thought it was cute). All of a sudden, when in my jeans doing "boy stuff", I wasn't seen as very girly, and once, I was even mistaken for a boy! Even worse, it was in front of my dumb younger brothers and their dumber friends! I was mortified. My parents thought it was funny. My brothers were in hysterics. I could hardly wait to grow out that haircut... I still like a lot of "guy stuff", wear jeans and stuff for that and nice, ladylike outfits as appropriate, but I wear my hair long.
8
I am a 68 year old woman who has always been more interested in "what men do" as opposed to "what woman do". My hair is shorter than my husband's and I don't own any makeup. I wear mostly men's clothes because I have large shoulders and the shirts just fit better. Men's pants actually have pockets. And frankly the quality of men's clothing is just better than woman's clothing. I can install a toilet, replace electrical outlets, hang ceiling fans, and do a multitude of other things that are considered "men's work".
My mother never really understood that for me a great shopping trip meant going to the hardware store to look at power tools. She used to look at my unmade up face tell me that no man was going to want a woman who looked like me. My mother was wrong. While she saw a woman who do not conform to what society expected of it's females I found that a lot of men like women who know which end of the hammer is supposed to hit the nail. I have a great husband who sincerely appreciates my money saving "handywoman" skills.
Your daughter is lucky to be growing in an age where she will have a chance to do "a man's job" if that is what she wants to do. And she is even luckier to have a mother who will support her right to be exactly who she is.
My mother never really understood that for me a great shopping trip meant going to the hardware store to look at power tools. She used to look at my unmade up face tell me that no man was going to want a woman who looked like me. My mother was wrong. While she saw a woman who do not conform to what society expected of it's females I found that a lot of men like women who know which end of the hammer is supposed to hit the nail. I have a great husband who sincerely appreciates my money saving "handywoman" skills.
Your daughter is lucky to be growing in an age where she will have a chance to do "a man's job" if that is what she wants to do. And she is even luckier to have a mother who will support her right to be exactly who she is.
31
We get this all the time - my 14 year old daughter plays ice hockey at really high levels and has to put up with a lot of stupidity from parents, coaches and unfortunately, her teammates and opponents at times, including being told that girls shouldn't be playing on a boys A team. Of course, they then have to pick themselves up after she knocks them down...
19
I thoroughly enjoyed this article. Way back when...in the 1960's I was a lot like your daughter sounds: gender ROLE non-conforming, a term that didn't exist then. I was told that I was a tomboy...which I was not...I did play with dolls, but I set my dolls up in front of me and I said Mass in front for them. An aunt cut my hair short like a boy to make me look more like a boy supposedly to keep the boys from being interested in me as a girl. I was in the second grade. In our conservative religious parish, girls were sexualized early on to keep us from being sexual. It was an oppression from which some never emerged. Yet, I wondered when I first heard Chas Bono speak years ago on NPR about how much more logical, gadget oriented and less likely to put up with drama he was after taking testosterone to transition, if gender roles and stereotypes don't still rule us.
8
I can't begin to guess what the future holds for this child and whatever her path is I wish her well. However I am concerned about a parent sharing personal information about a young child. The child is too young to consent to such publicity and may be resentful in the future. Her story is hers to share or not when she is of age. Her story doesn't belong to her parent.
22
Tomboy . . . just another label you're trying to stick on a box . . . and just as damaging. I know; my (embarrassed) family tried to stick that label on me. I'm 64 year old woman who loathes being fashionable/frilly and all of the discomfort that goes with it. Jeans, overalls, tee shirts, boots and sneakers --that's what's in my closet right now. Proud to say I've never worn high heels, nail polish or suffocating 'shapewear' (LOL).
13
I've always felt like women are expected to be female impersonators, putting on their face in the morning and wearing clothing and shoes that restrict movement. So I've never done it. My feet are not beat up from wearing high heals and I save ever so much money by ignoring whole categories of merch, such as make-up, fragrance, jewelry and hair products. It saves a lot of time too.
We categorize people too much. Can't we just be the freaks we are in the bodies that we have?
We categorize people too much. Can't we just be the freaks we are in the bodies that we have?
38
Why is asking a big deal?
My cis-male 14-year-old son is mistaken for a girl everyday. I'd much rather people ask how he identifies or which pronouns he prefers than to have people constantly misgender him.
My cis-male 14-year-old son is mistaken for a girl everyday. I'd much rather people ask how he identifies or which pronouns he prefers than to have people constantly misgender him.
7
I am 70 y/o...I was a full blown "tomboy"...I had a twin brother but truly that had nothing to do with my wanting to play ball, cut my hair short, wear dungarees and t-shirts and I did...and I still do. Sometimes though with all of the "transgender" awareness - when I go into the ladies room I know people are questioning my "sex"...I am often asked "yes sir" when being served...I NEVER wear make-up but I occasionally enjoy getting decked out. I so enjoyed this article and love your daughter's bravado!
11
Where's the "gender fluidity" with the term "Tomboy"?
Wouldn't the term "Suzieboy" be more apropos ?
Wouldn't the term "Suzieboy" be more apropos ?
7
I'm happy for the author that her daughter is well adjusted. On other levels, however, this is a very disturbing piece. The fact that this little girl's gender identity is questioned at every turn implies that there are just too many folks out there on the lookout for signs of gender transition... to encourage! If the author's point is to encourage adults to be more comfortable with varying identities and roles, the real solution is to let kids be kids rather than trying so hard to reclassify them, let alone aiding their transition prematurely. Too much adult-created gender confusion just makes it harder to identify and counsel those who truly suffer from gender dysphoria, in my opinion.
30
My daughter was a tomboy as a child, or a she liked to say a "tomgirl ." Children need to explore and play and be kids without anyone judging them.
18
I remember standing in line at a department store a few years ago and being confused because a clerk's gender identity was ambiguous to me. It bothered me for a minute; was that person a man or a woman? Then I realized: IT DOESN'T MATTER. Not only that, but it was none of my business. The bottom line that mattered was we were two human beings in a 30-second transactional relationship, and just as I don't want people judging or labeling me, I had no right to judge or label them. Since that day, I've seen many more people who defy labels, for all sorts of reasons. And I'm grateful that I had that ah-ha moment that's helped me to see their humanity first, not their gender.
Lisa, your daughter is a fortunate young woman. Thank you for your support and love for her, and for sharing your experience. My hope is that just as little girls should feel safe in their love of toy trucks and skateboards, boys should feel safe if they want to play with dolls and put on mom's makeup. Let them explore and express the fullness of who they are. Suppressing those curiosities and urges has unhealthy consequences, and I believe our society as a whole will be healthier when we as individuals feel free to follow what feels good, right, and natural.
Lisa, your daughter is a fortunate young woman. Thank you for your support and love for her, and for sharing your experience. My hope is that just as little girls should feel safe in their love of toy trucks and skateboards, boys should feel safe if they want to play with dolls and put on mom's makeup. Let them explore and express the fullness of who they are. Suppressing those curiosities and urges has unhealthy consequences, and I believe our society as a whole will be healthier when we as individuals feel free to follow what feels good, right, and natural.
8
All this transgender nonsense is the height of liberal overreach when it comes to good intentions. You almost could not come up with a better satire of liberal excess to stoke both conservatives and ordinary common sense people from recoiling.
Here's the deal: males have always been particularly concerned with creating and enforcing strict gender codes, and requiring mandatory dress codes as a signifier so they can tell whether someone is male or female from a hundred yards away. That's because males are concerned, on a primal level, when they see a new person whether they should be trying to mate with them (fertile or about to be fertile woman), fight with them (another male), or ignore them (child or older woman no longer capable of fertility or older male no longer capable of fighting).
This has never been much of a female concern. But every culture run by males always enforces strict gender roles and dress codes, and the more males have power in a society, the stricter those social codes are. Men also love dress codes to signify rank and whose team one is on. Again, so they know who they might fight with.
The dress codes and requirements are extremely arbitrary. Those who don't live up to the standards of their sex (i.e. a slight, passive male or a tall, broad-shouldered larger woman) might try to pretend to actually be the opposite sex, since it would help them fit into the social code and enhance their status. It isn't a medical issue. It's a social issue.
Here's the deal: males have always been particularly concerned with creating and enforcing strict gender codes, and requiring mandatory dress codes as a signifier so they can tell whether someone is male or female from a hundred yards away. That's because males are concerned, on a primal level, when they see a new person whether they should be trying to mate with them (fertile or about to be fertile woman), fight with them (another male), or ignore them (child or older woman no longer capable of fertility or older male no longer capable of fighting).
This has never been much of a female concern. But every culture run by males always enforces strict gender roles and dress codes, and the more males have power in a society, the stricter those social codes are. Men also love dress codes to signify rank and whose team one is on. Again, so they know who they might fight with.
The dress codes and requirements are extremely arbitrary. Those who don't live up to the standards of their sex (i.e. a slight, passive male or a tall, broad-shouldered larger woman) might try to pretend to actually be the opposite sex, since it would help them fit into the social code and enhance their status. It isn't a medical issue. It's a social issue.
23
I remember a church-pew-shaking moment when my sister and I got the giggles after I remarked a bit too loudly "Let me guess, she's a girl" about the couple seated in front of us with a newborn decked in a flowered pink headband proclaiming "THIS BABY'S A FEMALE." Why are some parents so obsessed with defining gender?
15
I wish your daughter and you the best. I was a tomboy too, and grew up at a time when girls had to wear dresses or skirts to school. Was I was in second grade I told my parents that I wished I was a boy so I could hang upside down on the monkeybars without my underpants showing. I'm glad no one took me at my word, as I am very happy to be woman. It seems strange and sad that a more liberated view of gender identity comes with more rigid stereotyping of gender roles.
17
Thanks for the article. Sounds like mom and daughter are very lucky. But don't be too critical of those who ask for guidance. You live with this wonderful little girl every day, and you thought there might be more to her life than just the `tomboy' narrative. You said so: `I will research puberty blockers and hormones (more than I already have). ' More than I already have? Sounds like even you had questions. And there is nothing wrong with that. Enjoy your wonderful child.
1
Oh Lord deliver me from contemporary liberal American culture.
How did it come to this?
Who are these people?
Where is the common sense that my grandmother taught me because it was uh...common...back...then...
I was a tomboy, and ,many girls have often been thus.
I wanted to be a boy for a brief confused spell at about 7. But only because they had all the fun and freedom and power, not because I wanted a penis grafted on to me. I didn't even know penises existed.
I grew up, straight, female, and only wanted the freedom, power, and fun that men had, not to BE one.
This trans insanity is out of control. So much attention to .0003% of the population.
OY.
How did it come to this?
Who are these people?
Where is the common sense that my grandmother taught me because it was uh...common...back...then...
I was a tomboy, and ,many girls have often been thus.
I wanted to be a boy for a brief confused spell at about 7. But only because they had all the fun and freedom and power, not because I wanted a penis grafted on to me. I didn't even know penises existed.
I grew up, straight, female, and only wanted the freedom, power, and fun that men had, not to BE one.
This trans insanity is out of control. So much attention to .0003% of the population.
OY.
44
Most of the "tomboys" I knew grew up to be lovely feminine women. Back then no one cared. Today, because of the liberal fascination with gender and the bizarre concept that gender is fluid, we have members of society poking their nose in your business.
20
I have a daughter pretty much like Lisa's daughter, but she is not a tomboy. I would not call her that. The term is derogatory, pejorative. Girls like these just do not conform to the traditional definition of gender and that is about it.
Girls who prefer blue or purple to pink, dragons and rockets to dolls, pants and shorts to skirts and dresses. Tennis shoes to high heels. And all that is perfectly fine. They need to grow up knowing that their choices are perfectly fine, and to feel well and happy in their own skins and with their own choices. Teachers, family and friends should be supportive of them, and not disruptive just because these girls don't fit the stereotypical image of a girl that they have in their minds. All girls are NOT Barbies.
Girls who prefer blue or purple to pink, dragons and rockets to dolls, pants and shorts to skirts and dresses. Tennis shoes to high heels. And all that is perfectly fine. They need to grow up knowing that their choices are perfectly fine, and to feel well and happy in their own skins and with their own choices. Teachers, family and friends should be supportive of them, and not disruptive just because these girls don't fit the stereotypical image of a girl that they have in their minds. All girls are NOT Barbies.
15
The trend towards gender role rigidity actually isn't coming from trans people or their supporters, despite most commenters seeming to think that's what's happening. Rather, rigid gender roles are being enforced in pushback to the increased awareness that trans people exist.
Access to hormones, legal gender changes, and surgeries are tightly restricted based on whether a person seems to "really be" the gender they say they are. This normally means fitting into gender roles that would have seemed restrictive in the 1950s. You go to your therapist and you're not wearing a full face of makeup, or you decided not to wear a binder that day, you could be set back /months/ in your transition. You could be denied a refill on hormones you've been taking for years. Trans people are coerced to be highly gender-conforming; they also have to present their childhoods in a certain way. Trans men have to say they've never liked any "girl things" while trans women have to say they never liked any "boy things." I was pretty gender-conforming as a kid. I could never figure out fashion and I was into sci-fi, but no one ever mistook me for a boy. If I were trying to go on T right now, I probably wouldn't be able to say that.
Some "tomboys" and "sissies" grow up to be perfectly content cisgender people. Some "girly girls" and "macho boys" grow up to be trans. But trans people are often only allowed to present one narrative about their lives, so this fact becomes lost on well-meaning cis adults.
Access to hormones, legal gender changes, and surgeries are tightly restricted based on whether a person seems to "really be" the gender they say they are. This normally means fitting into gender roles that would have seemed restrictive in the 1950s. You go to your therapist and you're not wearing a full face of makeup, or you decided not to wear a binder that day, you could be set back /months/ in your transition. You could be denied a refill on hormones you've been taking for years. Trans people are coerced to be highly gender-conforming; they also have to present their childhoods in a certain way. Trans men have to say they've never liked any "girl things" while trans women have to say they never liked any "boy things." I was pretty gender-conforming as a kid. I could never figure out fashion and I was into sci-fi, but no one ever mistook me for a boy. If I were trying to go on T right now, I probably wouldn't be able to say that.
Some "tomboys" and "sissies" grow up to be perfectly content cisgender people. Some "girly girls" and "macho boys" grow up to be trans. But trans people are often only allowed to present one narrative about their lives, so this fact becomes lost on well-meaning cis adults.
19
Wonderful story. Why do we need to put everyone into little boxes with identifying tags on them? Whether the tag says "straight" or "transgender" or "LGBT" they are nothing but little prisons that only limit rather than expand the possibilities that reside in each individual.
5
>" She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams,"
To help her understand this, make sure she does NOT sleep through biology class.
> why women earn less
To help her understand this, make sure she understands it is due to the CHOICES women make. Nothing else. If she wants to make a lot of money, she has to be willing to do the dangerous work and work for longer hours, just like a man does.
> "and why they don’t run our country."
This is just because you're not teaching her what voting is. Why not?
To help her understand this, make sure she does NOT sleep through biology class.
> why women earn less
To help her understand this, make sure she understands it is due to the CHOICES women make. Nothing else. If she wants to make a lot of money, she has to be willing to do the dangerous work and work for longer hours, just like a man does.
> "and why they don’t run our country."
This is just because you're not teaching her what voting is. Why not?
7
Demanding that children state whether they are boys or girls is ridiculous. Growing up in the 50s and 60s, most girls in California probably called ourselves tomboys.
One of my sisters said she was a boy until she was 14, then (finally) realized she was actually a girl. The other sister had very short hair and a lot of sass and a lot of people--men, especially--thought she was a boy.
The sister who said she was a boy was so fortunate that nobody was researching hormone blockers and sex-reassignment surgery in that era. She might have been subjected to some truly horrific "treatment" that she certainly did not need and eventually did not want.
One of my sisters said she was a boy until she was 14, then (finally) realized she was actually a girl. The other sister had very short hair and a lot of sass and a lot of people--men, especially--thought she was a boy.
The sister who said she was a boy was so fortunate that nobody was researching hormone blockers and sex-reassignment surgery in that era. She might have been subjected to some truly horrific "treatment" that she certainly did not need and eventually did not want.
20
Sounds a lot like my awesome 12-year-old daughter.
2
I thought about these questions when people attended my school to discuss gender roles. By creating the idea of transgender, aren't we validating the fact that there are two different genders and giving in to the societal ideas that gender is rigid? Shouldn't biological girls be able to keep their body parts and act however they want without saying they identify as men because there is no construction of women vs. men?
I also think it is interesting that many woman who wrote comments about having similar interests as the girl who was discussed in the article clarified that they were married to men. I used to think about gender in the sense of sexual orientation, but I learned it's different when I read a piece somewhere that said, "My body has a biological reaction to someone with the same sex as me. It is not a choice that I am making to be homosexual." This stuck with me. One's sexual orientation does not make them a woman or not.
This article deals with a fundamental question about what makes a girl. Is it interests, body parts, or a choice we make for ourselves?
I also think it is interesting that many woman who wrote comments about having similar interests as the girl who was discussed in the article clarified that they were married to men. I used to think about gender in the sense of sexual orientation, but I learned it's different when I read a piece somewhere that said, "My body has a biological reaction to someone with the same sex as me. It is not a choice that I am making to be homosexual." This stuck with me. One's sexual orientation does not make them a woman or not.
This article deals with a fundamental question about what makes a girl. Is it interests, body parts, or a choice we make for ourselves?
10
How about... I'm just happy to BE. ?. But, yes, we are people and we will create issues. Frankly, it's completely unnecessary, and quite distracting from the stuff of humanity.
1
I love this post. I was a little like this girl: wanted to wear pants and short hair, play cowboys and Indians, and have a toy guns. I was thrilled to occasionally be mistaken for a boy because I thought it was an extra string in my bow, something I could use if I ever wanted to run away and have adventures (like the girls in lots of books I read). I also was perfectly comfortable with my body being what it was. I never really wanted to "be" a boy.
I cherished this Louisa May Alcott quote from Jo's Boys: "Tomboys make strong women."
I cherished this Louisa May Alcott quote from Jo's Boys: "Tomboys make strong women."
10
It's important that children understand that gender expression (connected to how you dress and behave) is socially constructed and for all of us to embrace all expressions of gender (so boys know they can wear dresses and be boys and society accepts and embraces this, and girls can be tomboys and not be pressured to identify as a boy.)
It's also important that children know that biological sex and gender exist on a spectrum, and that there are some children who are intersex and there are some children who are assigned the wrong gender at birth and transition to their correct gender identity.
Biological sex, gender expression and gender identity all exist on a spectrum. This means we shouldn't assume that a boy who likes to wear dresses should be placed in the 'girl' box. And that we shouldn't assume that just because a child is born with a penis that they should be placed in "boy" box. The thing is we have kids who are intersex, we have kids who are assigned one gender at birth but who are actually another, we have kids who identify with one box and yet are gender creative in their expression and we have kids who don't identify with either box. We need a find a way to let all of our children know they are seen and celebrated!
It's also important that children know that biological sex and gender exist on a spectrum, and that there are some children who are intersex and there are some children who are assigned the wrong gender at birth and transition to their correct gender identity.
Biological sex, gender expression and gender identity all exist on a spectrum. This means we shouldn't assume that a boy who likes to wear dresses should be placed in the 'girl' box. And that we shouldn't assume that just because a child is born with a penis that they should be placed in "boy" box. The thing is we have kids who are intersex, we have kids who are assigned one gender at birth but who are actually another, we have kids who identify with one box and yet are gender creative in their expression and we have kids who don't identify with either box. We need a find a way to let all of our children know they are seen and celebrated!
5
It's pretty strange that we focus so much on young girls who want to dress in gender neutral clothing given that is how a goodly proportion of adult women dress no matter what their sexual orientation is. Tee shirts, sweat shirts, hoodies, fleece tops, sweat pants, sports gear, cargo pants, jeans, dress pants, short hair are all ubiquitous among women in everyday America. A little girl looking at the world around her surely must notice that very few women and even most girls their age and older walk around in princess gear. Not only that, an awful lot of "dressy" girls clothes are made of cheap polyesters that are hot and scratchy and difficult to play in. The other day I was at meeting for an arts organization with at least 30 women of a range of ages. The only women wearing makeup were a few of the youngest women in the group. Almost no one had dyed hair beyond a few purple or blue stripes. No one wore high heels or dresses or any stereotypical "girly" clothes. A young girl seeing these active, happy women living their lives in comfortable clothes might very well want to emulate them.
13
I am a lifelong "tomboy", and although I'm not into sports, I have always preferred male fashions to female ones, detest makeup, dresses, and fancy shoes, and have had as many male friends as female ones. As an adult, I have worked for many years as an often solitary woman in a field dominated by men. From my experiences as someone who moves in both male and female spheres, I know that men and women have much more in common than most people think.
After all, we are all human beings, each of us with our own distinct personalities, desires, and strengths. Some of us are good, some are not, some are selfish, some are generous, some are ambitious, some are lazy, some muddle by as best as they can, and we all have different combinations of hobbies and interests -- all of these traits are independent of gender, sex, sexual orientation, ethnicity, political party, or race.
I often wish more of us would concentrate on what we have in common instead of trying to create unnecessary divisions between us, and I wish that we could all just be ourselves instead of trying to conform to an arbitrary standard based on biological differences.
After all, we are all human beings, each of us with our own distinct personalities, desires, and strengths. Some of us are good, some are not, some are selfish, some are generous, some are ambitious, some are lazy, some muddle by as best as they can, and we all have different combinations of hobbies and interests -- all of these traits are independent of gender, sex, sexual orientation, ethnicity, political party, or race.
I often wish more of us would concentrate on what we have in common instead of trying to create unnecessary divisions between us, and I wish that we could all just be ourselves instead of trying to conform to an arbitrary standard based on biological differences.
15
It's strange that after the 60s, 70, 80s, 90s and 00s we are STILL having this conversation.
14
Tomboys are great. I have one. She is 47, four successful kids (youngest 17), owns and operates a dog kennel and grooming business.
3
Why is it that gender identity, where a 5-year old can somehow know that they identify as a boy or a girl?
I feel like there has been an explosion of this, and that adults have become a bit more allowing of this, mainly in defense of their child.
I'm 35 and I feel like some of these kids know themselves better than I know myself.
I feel like there has been an explosion of this, and that adults have become a bit more allowing of this, mainly in defense of their child.
I'm 35 and I feel like some of these kids know themselves better than I know myself.
4
I hope your daughter continues to be free to be exactly who she wants to be. I am 100% a woman and love being a woman. I also play ice hockey (men's teams) and just about any other sport there is, and I love fast cars and fixing them. I am a scientist/engineer, was a volunteer HAZMAT responder for 20 years, and a mother. I do some girly things and I have a few women friends and I have men friends.
I am in my 50s and had to fight to get out of the secretarial high school program and into shop classes but I had teachers backing me all the way. I was a rabid feminist until I realized that I did not want to be known as the female computer engineer or the female hockey player. I just want to be an engineer who plays hockey. Feminism is so limiting and I have never had to fight for my Constitutional rights, I have only had to exercise them as they were already there. Now I did have to fight for opportunities, but so does everyone else. I also strongly support men's rights because they should be able to choose their own path free of forced gender stereotypes.
Three cheers for your daughter. It makes me feel good that I was not a one off and there are likely many others walking their own path.
I am in my 50s and had to fight to get out of the secretarial high school program and into shop classes but I had teachers backing me all the way. I was a rabid feminist until I realized that I did not want to be known as the female computer engineer or the female hockey player. I just want to be an engineer who plays hockey. Feminism is so limiting and I have never had to fight for my Constitutional rights, I have only had to exercise them as they were already there. Now I did have to fight for opportunities, but so does everyone else. I also strongly support men's rights because they should be able to choose their own path free of forced gender stereotypes.
Three cheers for your daughter. It makes me feel good that I was not a one off and there are likely many others walking their own path.
10
None of my business, what style somebody has, if it is in accordance to society norms or not (e.g. Girls wearing short hair and baggy pants), and what gender s/he identifies with, but what is wrong if people ask? At least they don't make mistake and force "gender labels" on somebody... And at least they are not mean/hateful, etc
3
I'm glad someone wrote this because it mirrors my own misgivings about the trans movement. I worry that rather than learning to accept that girls can like traditionally masculine things like toy cars or my own love of video games, or that boys can love traditionally feminine things like pretty flowers or wearing cosmetics we are moving toward a society where children are forced to conform to traditional gender norms, even if that means being pushed to change their gender so it aligns with their interests.
And yes what is normal for each gender can vary wildly between cultures. Pink is a feminine color now, but use to be masculine due to it being related to red, a masculine color due to it looking like blood. Samurai use to put on nail polish before going out to battle. If I had a dollar for every male JRPG character that clearly wears lip coloring I'd be able to buy another game. Wearing colorful clothes is unmasculine in the US but typical in other cultures.
And yes what is normal for each gender can vary wildly between cultures. Pink is a feminine color now, but use to be masculine due to it being related to red, a masculine color due to it looking like blood. Samurai use to put on nail polish before going out to battle. If I had a dollar for every male JRPG character that clearly wears lip coloring I'd be able to buy another game. Wearing colorful clothes is unmasculine in the US but typical in other cultures.
18
I'm glad this writer and many other parents can accept their kids for who they are, even if friends and strangers strangely have problems themselves judging and labelling others.
However, I'd like to have seen the writer put tomboy in quotes if it needed to be used in the title. Even though that term seems less derogatory than the common labels used for boys who go outside the narrow or traditional gender roles, tomboy is a subjective, pointless word that should become obsolete sooner than later, as should girly girl, imnsho.
However, I'd like to have seen the writer put tomboy in quotes if it needed to be used in the title. Even though that term seems less derogatory than the common labels used for boys who go outside the narrow or traditional gender roles, tomboy is a subjective, pointless word that should become obsolete sooner than later, as should girly girl, imnsho.
4
It's gotten so confusing that everyone has to justify first what they are instead of who they are. I am sure glad your daughter has taken it so well and putting the onus on the small-minded. Her attitude that those who question are the ones with the problem, no skin of her bones. More power to her for being herself, tomboy!
2
This is my story - but in the 1950's. I had short hair, wore jeans and tee shirts as much as possible, had a "suit" and wore Buster Brown lace-ups (needed corrections to straighten gait). I loved baseball, football and basketball. I made airplane models and when there was nothing else to do, I would play with a doll, although she usually ended up naked on her head in the corner after about 10 min. I grew up just fine - had two children, taught my son how to throw a football and baseball overhand (he hates the fact that I could just throw a curve ball). I taught him to cook, and my daughter how to hear if her car needed oil. I've worked and supported myself for years, and yes, I am a feminist. I am married to a lovely man who now is crippled with MS, and he's thankful that I can lift him in and out of his wheelchair, take care of the financial stuff, and make sure the car gets serviced (he can't drive and has short-term memory issues as well). Daughter is no worse for the exposure - she has four sons, and my son has 3 lovely daughters. In my day, if girls wanted to be boys, it was because it was a more regimented world of boy's things and girl's things, and clearly, boy's stuff was more active and fun. Thank goodness for Tom Boys!
10
What a wonderful kid. What a wonderful mom. What a wonderful op ed. Seventy years I was that little girl. I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up, not because I didn't want to be a girl, but because women in cowboy movies were all wimpy and always in need of rescue. Had I believed I was a boy trapped in a girl's body, I would have been out of luck in those days. Delighted those mores have changed, not by magic, but because conscious men and women fought for the change.
2
How did this happen? When I discovered feminism many, many years ago, I stopped wearing makeup, cut my hair short, and started stomping around in boots. I wasn't transgender or lesbian, I was just having fun.
14
We are all "gender nonconforming" to one degree or another. There is no man or woman alive who expresses all the thoughts, attitudes, preferences, and behaviors "expected" of his or her gender. Many of these arbitrary assumptions and strictures are contradictory, so no one could fit them all even if they tried. In the name of inclusion and respect, it seems like we're taking a big step backward and proclaiming that there is, in fact, one correct way to be a boy (or man) and one correct way to be a girl (or woman).
10
By now we know identity, and sexual identity in particular, is a fluid mix that only the individual can unravel. Labeling at an early stage may be more harmful than good, reflecting the labeler's predilections than the labeled. Let the child, and adolescent, explore and be. Que cera cera.
1
So tired of the labels.
As a scientist, people are male, female, or rarely some genetic amalgam like XXY. If people want to undergo plastic surgery to change their appearance, have a party. Whatever makes them happy.
However, you cannot force me to change my definition of gender. Jenner is a male who choses to look and act female. And I wish him well.
As a scientist, people are male, female, or rarely some genetic amalgam like XXY. If people want to undergo plastic surgery to change their appearance, have a party. Whatever makes them happy.
However, you cannot force me to change my definition of gender. Jenner is a male who choses to look and act female. And I wish him well.
50
Yes, exactly my thoughts too. (Got biology?)
6
As a fellow scientist, a phenotype does not emerge from genotype alone, especially not in such a simplistic way as you are implying. It is the product of the interactions among all the genes and the environmental factors that modulate their expression. Prenatal environment in particular has a big impact in many species, including humans, on determining the degree of sex-specific traits of various organs and tissues, including the brain. Biological processes alone (not anything to do with culture) can create an organism with a more "feminized" brain, a more masculine body, and either a masculine or feminine genotype. Where does such an individual fall in your simplistic model?
Beyond that, if you're completely okay with people making their own lifestyle choices appearance-wise, how does it hurt you so much personally to not use whatever pronoun they prefer? Is your insistence on being the most "right" on this issue more important than another human's feelings, wherever those feelings come from?
Beyond that, if you're completely okay with people making their own lifestyle choices appearance-wise, how does it hurt you so much personally to not use whatever pronoun they prefer? Is your insistence on being the most "right" on this issue more important than another human's feelings, wherever those feelings come from?
2
"So tired of the labels."
"I will not give up my labels."
Something tells me "logician" is not one of your own.
"I will not give up my labels."
Something tells me "logician" is not one of your own.
2
I could be wrong, but being a child in the 80s felt a lot less like you were put in boxes. Our toys were generally primary colors, not pink or blue, I had toy cars and dolls, built forts and put on tea parties, climbed trees, skinned my knees, and had a favorite green velvet dress. I think we should let kids play and be kids. They need to figure out who they are. Putting labels on them to make things easier for us is silly.
41
r saint clair, You are describing what it was like to grow up as a girl in the 1950s, too. Building forts, climbing trees, riding bikes, playing with dolls, all mixed together. Pink and blue were not recognized as colors that referred to gender and nurseries were not decorated according to the sex of the baby.
I think a lot of putting people in boxes reflects product advertising and media focus.
I think a lot of putting people in boxes reflects product advertising and media focus.
12
Yes! People need to work on expanding their gender role definitions for children and adults.
Let's spend less time trying to figure out "what" people are and more time understanding "who" they are.
Let's spend less time trying to figure out "what" people are and more time understanding "who" they are.
22
How about we cease defining at all? Are we not secure enough to be there yet?
However, in today's PC world, you are required to be labeled, whether you want to be or not. This is my problem with that community these days. Everyone who might be gay or trans gender must behave according to certain strictures put out by these communities. It is these communities that reinforce stereotypes.
I mean you can't be a gay man who enjoys sports, politics, and technology. You have to be involved in the stereotypes that gay men have about women (They are bitchy, care only about hair clothes, and makeup, etc). You are not allowed to be an individual by these communities. So you are ostracized again.
I mean you can't be a gay man who enjoys sports, politics, and technology. You have to be involved in the stereotypes that gay men have about women (They are bitchy, care only about hair clothes, and makeup, etc). You are not allowed to be an individual by these communities. So you are ostracized again.
24
You must not know very many gay men--or lesbians. Not everyone fits a stereotype. The tech world is full of gay men by the way.
I think you understand neither the meaning or value of what you dismissively term "PC" nor the enduring and crushing nastiness of what it replaced.
Every day I am thankful for political correctness. I am thankful (even though it is no "favor" but simple justice) that it has become socially unacceptable for other people to cast slurs my way or try to reduce me to stereotypes, that instead they will meet with social criticism and condemnation. I'm happy that, because I have allies who will stand up and raise their voices on my behalf, there now is some relief to the constant pressure and burden of having to prove my basic humanity or justify my existence.
Civilized values and rationality alone did not provide these protections under the old regime. We needed a movement and an ideological shift to guarantee them.
I love political correctness.
Every day I am thankful for political correctness. I am thankful (even though it is no "favor" but simple justice) that it has become socially unacceptable for other people to cast slurs my way or try to reduce me to stereotypes, that instead they will meet with social criticism and condemnation. I'm happy that, because I have allies who will stand up and raise their voices on my behalf, there now is some relief to the constant pressure and burden of having to prove my basic humanity or justify my existence.
Civilized values and rationality alone did not provide these protections under the old regime. We needed a movement and an ideological shift to guarantee them.
I love political correctness.
9
This is silly. LGBT are way more accepting of differences among there members that the straight community is. They're the ones with the idea that LGBT people are this way or that so that's how we're represented in the media.
6
I think back to Katherine Hepburn and her manner of dress, speaking and bearing. There was no question that this was a strong, confident, purposeful woman who did not need a man's approval for her right to be herself.
38
More important than knowing the gender preference of someone else's child is knowing that it's none of your business. My mother taught me more than five decades ago that other people's business is not my business, and I would never be so rude as to ask a parent about their child's gender preference. What has happened to manners? If something is important enough to others that they want me to know it, I'm confident they'll tell me.
37
What an excellent post. I was raised to treat people as human beings deserving of respect. If someone thought I needed to know they were straight, gay, trans, or whatever, they would tell me. But today it is different as many will get highly offended because I used the wrong pronoun when talking to them. Like I should magically know this. I want to tell them what it was like to be call Zebra and Oreo and worse by my own family and that they should just lighten up because I did not know to say per or ve.
I have spent my whole life wanting people to just see me. Not a female, engineer, bi-racial, tomboy, short, or anything else other than just Sierra one of 7 billion human beings on this planet.
I have spent my whole life wanting people to just see me. Not a female, engineer, bi-racial, tomboy, short, or anything else other than just Sierra one of 7 billion human beings on this planet.
8
I personally use they for everyone unless I hear otherwise.
Thank you Lisa! This describes my daughter to a tee. Boys basketball shorts, tee-shirts, short spiky hair and a baseball cap are her uniform of choice. She is a confident girl that knows who she is and what she likes. End of story.
22
I usually don't stand up for guys,but women and girls have been wearing men's and boys sports and work clothes for a very long time and nobody cares. However, when males wear female clothing,many people immediately think gay or transgender
22
Yes, and this is precisely why the vast majority of trans people are males who desire to appear as females. Because culture is so punishing to males who can't live up to macho standards. For such men it is literally better to pretend to be a woman than -- god forbid -- a man who doesn't conform to social expectations of masculinity.
It is not nearly as punishing of women who "act like" men. Though it is, once again, for very large/tall women. Who again might prefer to just pretend to males rather than go through all the social insults and taunting of being a large woman.
It is not nearly as punishing of women who "act like" men. Though it is, once again, for very large/tall women. Who again might prefer to just pretend to males rather than go through all the social insults and taunting of being a large woman.
3
Gender is different than anatomy... and they don't have to match.
Blue suits do not have to be worn with blue ties.
The Bible says that God made us is God's own image... male and female... not male or female.
Blue suits do not have to be worn with blue ties.
The Bible says that God made us is God's own image... male and female... not male or female.
5
So which is God? Male or Female?
1
The teachers and doctors asked as they were afraid of being sued if they referred to her as the "wrong" gender. It's a pity things haven't changed since the 70's when my father had to hide the remote control race car I wanted from my step mother who thought a girl shouldn't have one.
And as for her questioning the need for separate sports teams the girl will be disappointed soon enough when she sees how biology shorts the female of the species.
And as for her questioning the need for separate sports teams the girl will be disappointed soon enough when she sees how biology shorts the female of the species.
12
Biology shorts females? Really? As much as ignorance?
1
"My daughter is happy with her body and comfortable with the way she looks, "
End of story...beyond that it is "others' problems."
End of story...beyond that it is "others' problems."
19
This hits on one of my major critiques of the transgender movement. It tends to use very superficial notions of femininity and masculinity to define whether you are, in fact, male or female. Just because I don't wear make up and hate shopping doesn't mean I'm actually a man, and just because I have a friend who played with dolls when he was little doesn't mean that he's really a woman. For all its progressive support, this logic reinforces the reductionist notions of gender that feminists have traditionally fought against.
68
No logical trans person considers female=likes to wear dresses. This is a strawman arguement.
1
That is a ridiculous comment. The movement as you call it, is about equal rights, not style. Sheesh...
1
Well said.
3
Good for you. As a girl who had both tonka trucks and barbies, I'm sure my conservative parents thought I was gay. I preferred to hang with the boys who ran around like maniacs throwing rocks instead of putting on frilly dresses and giggling at boys. Flash forward to middle age. I am a woman who love her Yves st. laurent lipsticks, handbag collection, and am a regular happy woman. Not everything needs "treating".
25
I love this article. Lisa Selin Davis sounds like a very supportive mother, and her daughter sounds like a delightful young girl. On a slight tangent, I have always wondered why in today's society it's okay to say that one's daughter is a Tomboy, yet it's not okay to say that one's son is a sissy? I wish we were there now, but maybe one day we will be. I needed that to be okay in 1970 when I was a young boy.
18
Robert, I wish you could have grown up with our "clan" of kids. We joked that where we lived was the Island of Misfit Toys and that was the coolest place to be because we were able to be who we wanted to be. One of my good friends was so handsome and nice, that we always invited him to our girl's parties. It never struck us that he was anything but a super cool guy that loved to hang out with us. Parents always welcomed him. Maybe for kids being born today things will be better and they will if we do our part to make them better. Peace be with you.
1
Androcentrism and misogyny. If male = neutral, female is other.
It doesn't have to be this way, but we live under a system that values men more highly than women, literally. We're still fighting for equal pay, for goodness sake. So girls who look like boys are praised, but boys who act like girls are shamed.
The system's name is patriarchy.
When you call things by their proper names and see how they're interconnected, you can begin to understand how to make change for social justice.
It doesn't have to be this way, but we live under a system that values men more highly than women, literally. We're still fighting for equal pay, for goodness sake. So girls who look like boys are praised, but boys who act like girls are shamed.
The system's name is patriarchy.
When you call things by their proper names and see how they're interconnected, you can begin to understand how to make change for social justice.
11
My ex's mom had a term of endearment for those kinds of boys:
"fudge-makers."
(Just meant in reference to the fact that those boys would prefer to stay home and bake with their mothers.)
"fudge-makers."
(Just meant in reference to the fact that those boys would prefer to stay home and bake with their mothers.)
Well-said! It is difficult for most of us to move out of a rigid and confining perspective on gender, and you have captured one of the strange and painful consequences of some of the current efforts to do so. (By the way, some of the most masculine men I know wear pink dress shirts with their suits.) Your daughter is very lucky to have you for her advocate as she works to find herself as a girl, a woman, and a fully-realized and complex person in this complicated world that we live in.
8
I was a tomboy. I skateboarded played street hockey and soccer, climbed trees and join the boys football team in the tenth grade. I dressed like a boy, wore pants all the time and tied my breast back so they wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I rode my BMX bike around the the construction sites in Los Angeles and did tricks in the dirt.
I married a man had a daughter wore a beautiful wedding dress. I am a girl. I still wear pants and no dresses and no make up...
I married a man had a daughter wore a beautiful wedding dress. I am a girl. I still wear pants and no dresses and no make up...
14
I hope this girl isn't railroaded into the transgender stampede by allegedly well-meaning teachers and doctors. When the medical establishment gets on a trend they do not give up easily. Right now, being transgender is the accepted diagnosis with all the hormones and disfiguring surgery that go with it. Doctors are supposed to do no harm but they frequently jump on a bandwagon and are loath to get off. When I was younger appendectomies were common. ( I know a burst appendix is dangerous.) Hysterectomies were all the rage for a while and are still performed too often. In psychiatry, there was a time when they thought almost everyone could benefit from Prozac.
Now, there is a lot of hype about transgender children. In the past, letting nature take its course was a solution, not the problem. Even though Caitlyn Jenner and Jazz Jennings choose to broadcast their medical and psychiatric problems does not mean all are like them. The last I read, the former Bruce Jenner still is attracted to women. Mutilating his male body has not made it align with his thoughts. I hope the tomboy in this article can be a tomboy, not a mutilated trans boy against her will.
Now, there is a lot of hype about transgender children. In the past, letting nature take its course was a solution, not the problem. Even though Caitlyn Jenner and Jazz Jennings choose to broadcast their medical and psychiatric problems does not mean all are like them. The last I read, the former Bruce Jenner still is attracted to women. Mutilating his male body has not made it align with his thoughts. I hope the tomboy in this article can be a tomboy, not a mutilated trans boy against her will.
36
Yes. When I was a child, tonsillectomies were all the rage. My brothers and I were probably the only kids in town, and were definitely the only kids in the neighborhood who did not undergo tonsil removal surgery, thanks to my solid sensible parents whose attitude was: 'If it ain't broke, it don't need fixing' and "Nature would not have put it there without a purpose.' Humanity, after all, managed to survive for 100,000 generations without tonsillectomies.
Back then, the doctors and "experts" were saying that tonsils were unnecessary and served no purpose. Now, we know tonsils are part of the immune system and the first line of defense in fighting throat infections.
These days, the medical profession is making money by doing mutilating surgeries on the bodies of people with gender dysphoria and the delusion that they were born in the wrong body. Instead of treating the dysphoria and delusions with therapy or, where appropriate, hormone-balancing, people are being subjected to mutilating surgeries that are clearly without therapeutic value, given that the rates of suicide and depression for transgenders are equivalent pre and post surgery.
Beware medicine. Beware surgery. Any surgery carries dangers and the risk of infection or death. Kanye West's mom died from liposuction, Joan Rivers from cosmetic surgery. Some patients simply never awaken from anesthesia.
Using surgery to address a mental issue is like using a nuclear weapon to kill a fly.
Back then, the doctors and "experts" were saying that tonsils were unnecessary and served no purpose. Now, we know tonsils are part of the immune system and the first line of defense in fighting throat infections.
These days, the medical profession is making money by doing mutilating surgeries on the bodies of people with gender dysphoria and the delusion that they were born in the wrong body. Instead of treating the dysphoria and delusions with therapy or, where appropriate, hormone-balancing, people are being subjected to mutilating surgeries that are clearly without therapeutic value, given that the rates of suicide and depression for transgenders are equivalent pre and post surgery.
Beware medicine. Beware surgery. Any surgery carries dangers and the risk of infection or death. Kanye West's mom died from liposuction, Joan Rivers from cosmetic surgery. Some patients simply never awaken from anesthesia.
Using surgery to address a mental issue is like using a nuclear weapon to kill a fly.
9
The illustrates why transgender.ideology is at odds with feminism. it conflates gender with gender roles. it tells women and the larger culture that women can basically be boiled down to a wardrobe. I have never encounter a "non gender role confirming" transgender person, and done expect to. The authors daughter is being told quite plainly that she can't be a girl, because she doesn't mesh with traditional expectations of femeniny. and these is a supposedly liberal position now.
27
Transgender people are just as nonconforming -- and as conforming -- as the rest of the population.
An individual's style of gender presentation has very little to do with that person's values and political beliefs. You can rock high heels or work boots or both, and be a feminist. Wearing certain clothes doesn't preclude belief in the right of each person to equality and self-determination.
An individual's style of gender presentation has very little to do with that person's values and political beliefs. You can rock high heels or work boots or both, and be a feminist. Wearing certain clothes doesn't preclude belief in the right of each person to equality and self-determination.
1
I have a cousin who's a tomboy and who has been a tomboy since she was very young. She's also a Ph.D. candidate in biology at the University of Idaho. But as far as I know, she's not transgender.
8
Ms Davis, you sound like someone I wouldn't mind having a beer with. Oh, and quite a good job of mothering you have going on there. Your daughter sounds like a very cool kid.
9
Being a tomboy is every little girl's dream!
7
Thanks for stating eloquently something I have been thinking about a lot. A lot of gender non-conforming(not all) is really gender-STEREOTYPE nonźconforming. so easy for a small child to get confused if asked... so why ask this at all? Leave them alone to be & evolve as they will.
18
"She is not gender nonconforming. She is gender role nonconforming. "
THIS.
Thank you!
THIS.
Thank you!
26
Thank you!! This is my daughter too - who is now in university, following her path, still rocking her own non-conforming style, and in a relationship with a guy who thinks her strengths are very cool lol.
Your daughter is lucky to have your support. Wish you both all the best!
Your daughter is lucky to have your support. Wish you both all the best!
12
The way the article is written, it implies that this girl has been the victim of fallout from the fight for transgender rights.
"Can't she just be who she is?", sounds strange to me considering no one is really stopping this girl from doing that. While at the same time, it is an affront to all those who don't really have that right.
It's the same as someone saying, indignantly, "I'm not allowed to pray anymore!", when a school tries to stop people from practicing religion on public property. It's a false premise.
I have no problem with tomboys. From an early age I always admired their freedom in their sense of self.
But, to suggest that a tomboy has a hard time getting along in the context of the transgender issue, well, it sounds like Trump complaining about how much he pays in taxes.
To put it in perspective, in many countries, transgender people can be put to death. Not so for tomboys.
Power to her. But not the false, denigrating, equivalence.
"Can't she just be who she is?", sounds strange to me considering no one is really stopping this girl from doing that. While at the same time, it is an affront to all those who don't really have that right.
It's the same as someone saying, indignantly, "I'm not allowed to pray anymore!", when a school tries to stop people from practicing religion on public property. It's a false premise.
I have no problem with tomboys. From an early age I always admired their freedom in their sense of self.
But, to suggest that a tomboy has a hard time getting along in the context of the transgender issue, well, it sounds like Trump complaining about how much he pays in taxes.
To put it in perspective, in many countries, transgender people can be put to death. Not so for tomboys.
Power to her. But not the false, denigrating, equivalence.
2
False. Girls and women are killed every day all over the world for being female. You shouldn't need an Internet commenter to remind you of this.
15
In many countries female fetuses are aborted for just being female. Transgenders in those cultures are allowed to be born because most of the time they are born male. You can also just not dress as a transgender. It's very hard for women in those cultures to even leave the house and changing clothing doesn't change their status in society. Sorry but the violence women face in those same cultures is far above what any trans person experiences.
5
I've often wondered - how many people identify as transgender because they feel their physical gender doesn't match their mental gender - and how many identify as transgender because society tells them they can't be a woman and be analytical, physically active, strong and determined without being called a bitch, can't be a man and be compassionate, in touch with your emotions, interested in arts and music without being called a .... well - the worst insult there is from many men .... a girl.
How many are maybe not exactly transgender - just thinking there is no other way to escape society's stereotypes for their gender other than proclaiming they are the other gender? How many would be good with their biological gender without society saying that this one chromosome is supposed to dictate their hobbies, personality, career, and ability to dress and wear whatever they feel good wearing?
This young girl is strong enough to say that she likes who she is, and never mind those who think she can't be a girl and like "boy" things. I think that's wonderful. I hope that can be true someday for everyone WITHOUT needing to claim a different pronoun in order to have society accept it.
How many are maybe not exactly transgender - just thinking there is no other way to escape society's stereotypes for their gender other than proclaiming they are the other gender? How many would be good with their biological gender without society saying that this one chromosome is supposed to dictate their hobbies, personality, career, and ability to dress and wear whatever they feel good wearing?
This young girl is strong enough to say that she likes who she is, and never mind those who think she can't be a girl and like "boy" things. I think that's wonderful. I hope that can be true someday for everyone WITHOUT needing to claim a different pronoun in order to have society accept it.
24
Very few, I would think. Let's be real. Changing genders is a huge thing to do. We are not Saudi Arabia where women's lives are utterly controlled and confined. Most women find a way to be themselves in careers and social relationships and clothes.
2
When I was little my father (who had wanted a boy but never got one) bought me miniature Army fatigues, jeans and flannel shirts and cowboy boots. I loved them all, particularly for running around the farm or climbing trees. My grandmother bought me velvet dresses with big lace collars and a "Gone With the Wind" dress with a hoop skirt--and I loved them too. They were my church or special occasion clothes and made me feel very pretty. I don't remember anyone ever questioning my choices--they just let me be who I was. Sometimes I was referred to as a tomboy, and it didn't bother me. I seemed to have more in common with the boys until we hit our teens, when all the rules seemed to change. I'm still comfortable in either Levis or velvet. Who makes up these stupid rules and thinks we have to fit into some box?
16
If she does not understand why there are separate male and female sports teams, someone needs to explain biology to her. There is a reason women do not play pro football, and that reason has nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with physical reality. Also, being delighted that the girl rejects princesses means that you would be disappointed if she loved princesses. This mother claims to be open-minded bu it's clear that if her daughter were a girly-girl interested in frilly dresses and princesses, she'd be disappointed. Underlying all the praise of her tomboyish daughter is a clear disapproval of girls who aren't tomboys.
14
Tell her that there are gender specific sports teams because society king who recognized that without them, developing young girls and women would not stand a chance against far more powerful boys and young men. Why do we have softball? So women can play and get scholarships in a sport (baseball) where they would be thoroughly dominated otherwise. Same with soccer. The young ones may be on roughly equal footing, but once the testosterone kicks in, a good high school boys team will stomp a women's Olympic team (5th ranked Australia beaten 7-0, 2016). We do this with basketball, where a good boys AAU team has more players who can dunk than the entirety of the WNBA. It's just a fact.
We have sacrificed scores of boys - and men's college teams - in an effort to create maintain places for these women's teams. Please don't intimate that there is no use for them.
We have sacrificed scores of boys - and men's college teams - in an effort to create maintain places for these women's teams. Please don't intimate that there is no use for them.
12
As a "girl" who has played on boys teams my whole life (in my 50s now), I was not gifted a roster position, but earned them. I won 2 state championships on a high school boy's hockey team and yes, I did play. I also won state championships in gymnastics. I played baseball because I thought softball was insulting to girls. I played football too. My best friend wrestled around 160 pounds and won High School boy's state titles. Nobody in school messed with her because she could beat them to a pulp.
So just because there are girls and women who choose to play with other girls and women and those of use who don't; do not lump us all into the "females cannot complete and beat men because we are not physically capable" category. Billie Jean trounced Bobby Riggs mentally and physically. And the retired NHLers of similar age never took it easy on me and yes, I could beat them.
So just because there are girls and women who choose to play with other girls and women and those of use who don't; do not lump us all into the "females cannot complete and beat men because we are not physically capable" category. Billie Jean trounced Bobby Riggs mentally and physically. And the retired NHLers of similar age never took it easy on me and yes, I could beat them.
2
The late great actress Katharine Hepburn sounds like a role model for your daughter. Perhaps she should tell people she's like Katharine Hepburn and they'll let her live her life in peace. Good luck.
4
As a mom, I've been continually surprised by the ways in which society's ideas about what a girl should look or act like seem to have regressed since my childhood.
When I was in elementary school in the 60's, girls did have to wear skirts to school, but there was little else that was gendered about the way we dressed. Our clothes, like the boys' shirts and trousers, were always in strong primary colors, mostly blues, reds, greens, or yellows. Frills and glitter were considered inappropriate for anything except ballet lessons or Halloween costumes. Pink was for pajamas.
By the time the 70's hit and we were allowed to show up in pants at school, we stopped putting on skirts or dresses for anything but mandatory formal occasions. Our uniform was jeans and t-shirts. Shoes were desert boots or sneakers. We laughed when one of our friends started experimenting with eye shadow.
I'm not just talking about how one or two "tomboys" dressed--this was the "look" that seemed normal to most girls then, at least in my schools. It had the advantage of being practical and comfortable, and leaving us free to think about other things besides clothes and makeup: school, books, bikes, hikes, horses, camping trips, skating parties, plays, silly games. And yes, boys--but it seemed natural to expect the boys to like us for who we were, and not just how we dressed.
So many things have improved for women since then. I'm not sure they have for girls.
When I was in elementary school in the 60's, girls did have to wear skirts to school, but there was little else that was gendered about the way we dressed. Our clothes, like the boys' shirts and trousers, were always in strong primary colors, mostly blues, reds, greens, or yellows. Frills and glitter were considered inappropriate for anything except ballet lessons or Halloween costumes. Pink was for pajamas.
By the time the 70's hit and we were allowed to show up in pants at school, we stopped putting on skirts or dresses for anything but mandatory formal occasions. Our uniform was jeans and t-shirts. Shoes were desert boots or sneakers. We laughed when one of our friends started experimenting with eye shadow.
I'm not just talking about how one or two "tomboys" dressed--this was the "look" that seemed normal to most girls then, at least in my schools. It had the advantage of being practical and comfortable, and leaving us free to think about other things besides clothes and makeup: school, books, bikes, hikes, horses, camping trips, skating parties, plays, silly games. And yes, boys--but it seemed natural to expect the boys to like us for who we were, and not just how we dressed.
So many things have improved for women since then. I'm not sure they have for girls.
30
Yes - agree 100%!
5
Heck, I was a teenager in the 90s, and I dressed in jeans, flannel, band tshirts, and doc martens, and this was considered pretty trendy (think Claire Danes in My So Called Life). Look at any TV show from the early 90s and sexualization of most teen girls was not really a thing (maybe with the exception of Married With Children, where it was played for laughs). I miss those days.
5
This girl is not conforming to the attitudes of people who are certain that behavior always conforms to a person's gender identity, shame, shame. So we go from the conviction that gender identity is determined by sexual organs to the conviction that gender identity may not be determined by sexual organs but is determined by behaviors which cultures associate with one gender or the other.
The problem is that some people fail to understand themselves. In this case some people who rely upon others reported perceptions of themselves to be the way that they see themselves cannot understand people who see themselves from their own perspectives and do not feel obliged to satisfy others expectations of how they should appear. These other directed folks cannot understand people who do not feel obliged to conform to others expectations about how they ought to think and act because they never do.
The problem is that some people fail to understand themselves. In this case some people who rely upon others reported perceptions of themselves to be the way that they see themselves cannot understand people who see themselves from their own perspectives and do not feel obliged to satisfy others expectations of how they should appear. These other directed folks cannot understand people who do not feel obliged to conform to others expectations about how they ought to think and act because they never do.
6
I have no idea why it always has to be one or the other. I was a tomboy who enjoyed playing with my wooden sword, but I also liked paper dolls. Why do we insist that girls who like dinosaurs are somehow boyish? Where does it state that dinosaurs are for boys? I'm an adult woman who loves military history, computer programming, and martial arts. But I also love ball gowns. Aren't most of us a fascinating combination of masculine and feminine attributes rather than walking stereotypes?
25
These have been my thoughts for a long time, as a parent, since the Transgender issue became really prescient and center stage--how by this burst of new-found labeling gender choices are being pressed on children who are essentially fluid, as children are. When I was little I had different stages--at 5 dressing entirely in 101 Dalmation dresses, at 8 wearing only sports jerseys and basketball shorts, though I had my hair long, by 12 putting on more makeup than I would ever try again, but then that ended, abruptly, by 14. Later I dated boys, but also girls... when I was with a girl I cut my hair very short, the idea of appearing and playing dominance in a relationship, of being a male-like, caressing, coaxing figure was very appealing to me. And then it passed, I fell in love with a man and casually, hopelessly fell into my groove, into my womanhood. How would any of this have been possible if I had been early on pushed towards an irrevocable gender box? As a parent it somewhat terrifies me, not the trans part, but the gaiety with which permanent medical changes are being administered on the youngest and most vulnerable of us, who should feel free to shift roles throughout life. In certain Native American cultures there were more than just the two genders--there were people with "two spirits", that's probably how it should be.
23
I fell in love with a man, and casually, hopelessly fell into my groove, my womanhood...?
No, it's been called compulsory heterosexuality, (great article by Adrienne Rich by that title) and men and society groom women into it and traditional roles. It feels effortless because not doing this is to be swimming upstream if we don't see the harmful sexism in it and that comes with it, and resist it actively.
No, it's been called compulsory heterosexuality, (great article by Adrienne Rich by that title) and men and society groom women into it and traditional roles. It feels effortless because not doing this is to be swimming upstream if we don't see the harmful sexism in it and that comes with it, and resist it actively.
3
Here here! Girls can be tomboys and boys can be sissies! Let them explore whatever feels good to them and adults should step back.
13
It's wonderful that your daughter has such a strong sense of self! There is such a wide range of male and of female - I've never met anyone who conforms completely to all gender stereotypes. As a child, I loved playing with dolls and princesses, but I also loved adventure games, toy cars, and Legos. As an adult, I almost never wear make-up, never wear high heels and don't care about fashion at all, but I feel - and think I am usually perceived - as feminine. Most of the women, men, boys and girls I know fall somewhere on this spectrum.
The big problem for me with these gender expectations is the bigger cultural implication. While people may expect girls to look "girly" and reward them for it, we still consider stereotypically male behaviors like assertiveness and (over)confidence to be positive, whereas stereotypically female behaviors are often associated with (negative) weakness. For me, that's the reason why women march: so everyone has the same opportunities, is considered and valued the same, whether they are loudly assertive or quietly brilliant, wear make-up and high heels or a suit. So that we achieve a culture in which it's normal for both genders to be in the boardroom, and also expected for both parents to take equal turns staying home with sick children or getting up early in the morning to do laundry, and both sides are valued. We need to acknowledge that there are "male" and "female" behaviors and capabilities in all of us.
The big problem for me with these gender expectations is the bigger cultural implication. While people may expect girls to look "girly" and reward them for it, we still consider stereotypically male behaviors like assertiveness and (over)confidence to be positive, whereas stereotypically female behaviors are often associated with (negative) weakness. For me, that's the reason why women march: so everyone has the same opportunities, is considered and valued the same, whether they are loudly assertive or quietly brilliant, wear make-up and high heels or a suit. So that we achieve a culture in which it's normal for both genders to be in the boardroom, and also expected for both parents to take equal turns staying home with sick children or getting up early in the morning to do laundry, and both sides are valued. We need to acknowledge that there are "male" and "female" behaviors and capabilities in all of us.
9
Great article, yep, she's a girl and shouldn't have to defend herself as such....
7
HI,
gender role non conforming and gender non conforming.
Is the same thing.
Please educate yourself on the topic. I understand you are learning more labels but you cant decide what your daughter's gender is.
If she is a tomboy now thats great. But may not be the case tomorrow.
gender role non conforming and gender non conforming.
Is the same thing.
Please educate yourself on the topic. I understand you are learning more labels but you cant decide what your daughter's gender is.
If she is a tomboy now thats great. But may not be the case tomorrow.
2
Uhh, the daughter herself has definitively decided that she's indeed a girl, and that's exactly the issue this article is addressing - because she's not conforming to traditional gender ROLES, her gender IDENTITY is being questioned and doubted by the adults in her life because they are conflating gender role nonconforming and gender nonconforming (which are definitely not the same thing, and shouldn't be regarded as the same thing).
7
I don't agree - you can be gender role non conforming (a woman who mows the lawn, loves football and wears no makeup) - while still being gender conforming (still see myself as a woman).
4
You go Girl!
I'm 67 and have been infuriated by TV commercials depicting young girls in princess paraphernalia. I can hardly believe that it is 2017.
14
Because princess dresses get in the way when you're trying to climb a tree, but not when you're at a party. Because party shoes don't work in the woods, but do at the opera (though never high heels). Because it's easier to bike in pants, but dresses are comfortable in summer. Because why disguise that you're smart, though there's nearly always someone smarter around. Because fieldwork requires stamina and patience and so does marriage and child rearing.
Growing up as an active "tomboy" who also liked sewing and crafts in a family that downplayed gender roles, I discovered it doesn't have to be either/or in any direction. And my husband and I raised our children that way.
If only we could get past the habit of hard binaries in our thinking and expectations! In so many areas!
Growing up as an active "tomboy" who also liked sewing and crafts in a family that downplayed gender roles, I discovered it doesn't have to be either/or in any direction. And my husband and I raised our children that way.
If only we could get past the habit of hard binaries in our thinking and expectations! In so many areas!
22
I grew up following my dad around, carrying his tool box. At 61, I can still fix most things around the house without having to call someone else. It was more fun than dolls. Never had a baby doll carriage, didn't want one. I wanted a tool box like my dad. In college, I carried a large bag - it was full of plugs, connectors, adapters, cables. I was on the AV crew. I could set up a camera and VCR (old reel-to-reel) and get the mics ready. Loved every minute of it. My friends were all guys. After a while, I was one of the guys and never felt out of place. Great training for business.
8
100% tomboy here. The boy scouts went camping and the girl scouts made arts and crafts. What a colossal disappointment for me. I knew from the start I was going to have to chart my own course. So, i did. Later, along came a guy who wanted a tomboy girlfriend. We've been happily and adventurisly (I think I made that word up) married ever since. My experience has been that guys love tomboys. They also love really girly girls. Men are great about this!
9
Hah! Men like women who put up with them! Nothing more, nothing less.
2
Well meaning adults need to be very careful with their questioning and leading. I was a tomboy and often mistaken for a boy. I definitely did not want hips or boobs or to grow up to be a woman. I was happy being a girl. I hate to think what would have happened to me if I had been pressured into taking on a different identity. How about we just let kids grow up as they are without feeling the need to label them? It all works out (for the most part) just as soon as puberty and hormones hit, anyway.
23
You are absolutely right. What's crazy is the trend toward irreversible medical "treatment" of children who say they're the other gender. It probably should not be allowed except in cases of ambiguous genitalia or hermaphroditism.
9
"In fact, I love correcting them,"
Yes, I see that.
I absolutely agree with the author that her daughter, or any person, should not have to adopt to traditional gender norms. However, it seems to me the author is going out of her way to grinding her axe against teachers and other people who are just trying to do their best to adapt to rapidly changing social norms and understanding about transgender people. Based on the author's anecdotes, those people clearly weren't trying to force her daughter to wear pink and play with dolls. They were just trying to do their best for the author's daughter by making sure she was in fact a tomboy rather than a young person with gender identity issues.
Yes, I see that.
I absolutely agree with the author that her daughter, or any person, should not have to adopt to traditional gender norms. However, it seems to me the author is going out of her way to grinding her axe against teachers and other people who are just trying to do their best to adapt to rapidly changing social norms and understanding about transgender people. Based on the author's anecdotes, those people clearly weren't trying to force her daughter to wear pink and play with dolls. They were just trying to do their best for the author's daughter by making sure she was in fact a tomboy rather than a young person with gender identity issues.
6
So, after six months, why are they still asking? It does seem that they're not satisfied with the answer "I'm a girl."
11
I was a tomboy too, better at sports than most of the boys, frequently up trees and outspoken and I said frequently that I wanted to be a boy. I knew I wasn't a boy, but in 1950s and '60s America, is that such an insane thing to have wanted? When I hit puberty, my attitude changed and more than anything I wanted to be a girl like the girls the boys all wanted, but was too tall, too skinny, too not flirty, etc. It worked out over time.
My point is that I agree with the writer: outlier girls are GIRLS unless they say otherwise. Let's add that detail to our growing -- and very welcome -- sensitivity to gender identity, please.
My point is that I agree with the writer: outlier girls are GIRLS unless they say otherwise. Let's add that detail to our growing -- and very welcome -- sensitivity to gender identity, please.
8
I love that younger generations are using new terms and language to describe their gender and sexual identity and showing their desire to nonconform to hegemonic ideas of gender/sexuality through their actions, attitude and dress. What I've found particularly interesting is that these terms are often hard to define as there are multiple similar yet different definitions, and sometimes people use them somewhat incorrectly. Additionally, some people don't understand what they mean at all. This language is still changing and developing as it comes into popular use, and I think the general public needs time to grasp what it means and what it looks like, as well as the fact that young people don't see their sexual and gender identity in clear, categorical form. I would query why the author didn't focus on a discussion of gender in general, since gender composes three interrelated ideas - biology, performance and identity, and her daugher's experince might have been better broken down using these three points. Biology is the sex you are assigned as birth (male/female/intersex) ; performance is how you preform gender (masculine/feminine/androgynous) and a person's dentity can be described as (female/male/other). This would have been a perfect moment to educate the public on what intellectuals, academics and theorists mean when they say 'gender'. Also, google the gender unicorn and see GLAAD's website for working definitions
1
"Biology is the sex you are assigned as birth "
Nobody assigns sex. Sex is material reality. All the other stuff you mention is post-modern nonsense.
Nobody assigns sex. Sex is material reality. All the other stuff you mention is post-modern nonsense.
10
Wow. Thanks for this breath of reasonableness in these complicated times!
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
http://www.thecriticalmom.blogspot.com
5
I hate this article so much its making me cry. Reading all these comments, its so incredibly depressing for a transgender woman like me.
This article has nothing to do with transgender people, yet it paints parents who support their transgender kids as child abusers. I wish my parents had helpped me instead of telling me that all transgender people are prostitutes and if I became transgender that no one would love me.
The comments section actually made me vomit. People were just so happy to finally get the freedom to express their thoughts on how insane transgender people are, how liberals think we promote mysoginistic ideas and enforce gender roles. Its like this article was the cue for PC liberals to drop their lies and say what they really think of people like me. Like I always say, transgender people are the last group that it is ok to hate.
This article, the author, the commenters, and NYT just has no freaking clue about why transgender people exist or why we transition. They judge us based on what the media says and promotes, while never doing any independent research, or god forbid, meeting a real transgender woman.
I am just so tired. I wish liberals and conservatives would just leave us alone. WE ARE NOT A THREAT TO ANYONE.
God this article really took the sails out of me. I need to stop commenting or Ill just keep crying. These comments dont ever accomplish anything anyways, whats the point of even trying? Its all just virtue signalling or hatred.
This article has nothing to do with transgender people, yet it paints parents who support their transgender kids as child abusers. I wish my parents had helpped me instead of telling me that all transgender people are prostitutes and if I became transgender that no one would love me.
The comments section actually made me vomit. People were just so happy to finally get the freedom to express their thoughts on how insane transgender people are, how liberals think we promote mysoginistic ideas and enforce gender roles. Its like this article was the cue for PC liberals to drop their lies and say what they really think of people like me. Like I always say, transgender people are the last group that it is ok to hate.
This article, the author, the commenters, and NYT just has no freaking clue about why transgender people exist or why we transition. They judge us based on what the media says and promotes, while never doing any independent research, or god forbid, meeting a real transgender woman.
I am just so tired. I wish liberals and conservatives would just leave us alone. WE ARE NOT A THREAT TO ANYONE.
God this article really took the sails out of me. I need to stop commenting or Ill just keep crying. These comments dont ever accomplish anything anyways, whats the point of even trying? Its all just virtue signalling or hatred.
10
People are free to debate the ideology around gender without "hating" transgender people. In fact, the issue is only being discussed because it is affecting the rest of us- pushing us to replace sex with gender identity is NOT a "live and let live" approach. You cannot expect people to not discuss it. People support transgender rights when it comes to jobs and housing and letting them live their lives. But when you start demanding we replace our own biology with sex stereotypes, a discussion will ensue, especially among people who see how damaging sex stereotypes are to women and girls.
8
My life has been changed by the transition of a longtime friend who thinks -- and writes -- beautifully about the nuances of transgender identity, feminism, and the right to self-determination. Not everyone is as lucky as me to have a wonderful, openly transgender person in her life. Our active, ongoing friendship has allowed me to see gender more deeply and to evolve.
I, too, find many of the comments here mean-spirited and hateful, but please don't think that those expressing their own confusions and distress speak for us all. As transgender people come into their own, politically and socially, please know that understanding will follow. Please keep making your voice heard.
I, too, find many of the comments here mean-spirited and hateful, but please don't think that those expressing their own confusions and distress speak for us all. As transgender people come into their own, politically and socially, please know that understanding will follow. Please keep making your voice heard.
1
Jacqueline from Colorado stated: "...This article has nothing to do with transgender people, yet it paints parents who support their transgender kids as child abusers...."
I'm a straight male going on 70, with no awareness of the trans world beyond Christine Jorgenson until recently, but my reaction to the article was much the same as Jacqueline's. The article seemed to be written from a place of resentment toward trans people and toward those who want to support them. The author seemed determined to assert that her daughter was not One of Those People. Rather, she maintains that her daughter is a picked-on minority because she is a tomboy (huh??) whose oppression is made worse by adults who are learning of the need to respect and protect trans people.
Of all the wrongs that will be done to that young woman in her lifetime, I think that the over-solicitousness of a few teachers, etc., ranks quite low.
I'm a straight male going on 70, with no awareness of the trans world beyond Christine Jorgenson until recently, but my reaction to the article was much the same as Jacqueline's. The article seemed to be written from a place of resentment toward trans people and toward those who want to support them. The author seemed determined to assert that her daughter was not One of Those People. Rather, she maintains that her daughter is a picked-on minority because she is a tomboy (huh??) whose oppression is made worse by adults who are learning of the need to respect and protect trans people.
Of all the wrongs that will be done to that young woman in her lifetime, I think that the over-solicitousness of a few teachers, etc., ranks quite low.
2
I have four daughters. They rock climb, mountain bike, play soccer, ski, cliff jump, dirt bike, run and even sometimes play Xbox. A lot of their friends do as well. Last year, we had birthday party stitches when one of the young women shut a door into another's face. If you ask me, I would not worry about your daughter, I would worry about your friends and strongly consider a move.
3
As a former tomboy, I find the trend of conflating being a tomboy with having some deeper gender identity issue to be very irksome. A while back, there was some hoopla around that absurd "Bias Free Language Guide" from the University of New Hampshire. One of the "problematic" terms it listed was tomboy, and insisted that the correct way to refer to a tomboy was as a girl who was "gender nonconforming"/"gender-variant". Whoever wrote that guide didn't seem to understand that being a tomboy doesn't mean you automatically have gender identity issues. The teachers and doctors in this story don't seem to understand that either (or they do, and are just being exceedingly cautious). There is a HUGE difference between a girl who really does feel like she's supposed to be a boy and a girl who just wants to do boy stuff. It's wonderful that the former girl can now get timely help and accommodation for transitioning, but at the same time it's frustrating that the tomboy definition is getting swept up in this gender-identity-issue-labeling frenzy when tomboys just need to be left alone so they can go stuff more live frogs into their cargo pockets and not be made to doubt who they are or think that being a tomboy is wrong or weird.
Myself, I never wavered in my identity as a girl. I just thought that dresses weren't very good for climbing trees and that dinosaurs and BB guns were more fun than Barbies and playing house. Much simpler than the adults in this article are making it.
Myself, I never wavered in my identity as a girl. I just thought that dresses weren't very good for climbing trees and that dinosaurs and BB guns were more fun than Barbies and playing house. Much simpler than the adults in this article are making it.
18
All I have to say is, I can't believe the error "milleniums" wasn't caught before this was published. I mean, really?
3
This article really hit home. Thanks! As my in-laws are non-native English speakers, my daughter thinks the she is a "Tom-Girl". :)
4
It's apparent that your daughter knows who she is. Whether the adults in her life (aside from her parents) do or not.
2
I was very interested to read this because similar thoughts have been on my mind lately, about my own childhood. I was born in 1972 and had an older brother and boy cousin who I thought were the sun and the moon. Because of this, I wanted to be just like them. From about age 3 to 6, I told everyone I was a boy. Many girls of that time had short haircuts just like boys, so if I had on boy-like clothes, I definitely passed for a boy. I had huge tantrums when my mother tried to get me to wear dresses and would wear my one piece girl's bathing suit rolled down to look like the little boy speedos of the times. I was active and outdoorsy and most people just considered me a tomboy. My parents didn't say anything about it other then when my Mom tried to get me into a dress. I have no idea what their thoughts were about it and they are no longer around for me to ask.
If a grown-up had asked me during that time if I wanted to be a boy, I would have definitely have said yes...until I was about 7 and then something clicked in my brain. I "realized" I was a girl and was not bothered by it. It just was what it was. By middle school I was into boys and make-up and am now happily married to a man, and still outdoorsy, active, and prefer jeans to dresses.
What was going on with me at that early age was no more than me just wanting to be exactly like the people I idolized at the time...and climbing trees was more fun than playing with dolls.
If a grown-up had asked me during that time if I wanted to be a boy, I would have definitely have said yes...until I was about 7 and then something clicked in my brain. I "realized" I was a girl and was not bothered by it. It just was what it was. By middle school I was into boys and make-up and am now happily married to a man, and still outdoorsy, active, and prefer jeans to dresses.
What was going on with me at that early age was no more than me just wanting to be exactly like the people I idolized at the time...and climbing trees was more fun than playing with dolls.
17
Sounds to me like the kid is just trying to have a good time. Too bad the grown ups are trying to make that a big deal, including mom. She is 7 years old and the adults in her family are already researching hormone blocking therapy because she likes to play in the dirt and looks like the Dude from the Big Lebowski. Would the hormone therapy make her a better boy? Leave the kid alone to enjoy her life without all this strange adult baggage.
16
Can we please, please retire the word "tomboy?"
10
And use what instead? The word has always meant a girl who is adventurous, sports-minded, dresses very casually and boyishly, was willing to take physical risks. What's bad about any of those traits?
4
When girls are labeled "Tomboy" it raises their status. There is no corresponding "Tinagirl" complimentary label for a boy, because of the inferior status of women. A boy who "acts like a girl" lowers his status. From elementary school to the board room, a girl or woman who behaves with traits that we label male raises her status. Until she oversteps, and then she becomes shrill where a man is authoritative, aggressive where a man is assertive, bossy where a man is considered a leader.
At the root of much of this discussion is the denigration of women and misogyny. If women were allowed to be human beings, then this little girl's behavior wouldn't be perceived as male. Active? Curious? Comfortable clothing? Why is that male? A woman who leads, has a deep voice, laughs and doesn't giggle, wields authority -- why exactly is that labeled unfeminine?
At the root of much of this discussion is the denigration of women and misogyny. If women were allowed to be human beings, then this little girl's behavior wouldn't be perceived as male. Active? Curious? Comfortable clothing? Why is that male? A woman who leads, has a deep voice, laughs and doesn't giggle, wields authority -- why exactly is that labeled unfeminine?
36
My 15 year old daughter loves make up and is always fixing her hair but if you saw her 5 or 6 years ago you would have thought she was a boy. She wore cargo shorts and John Cena shorts. Her bedspread was WWE and had tons of John Cena posters. All of her friends were girls panting their nails and and different. But she was happy and fun. It was a phase and nobody questioned her. Do some kids grow out of it ? Yes. But some kids do not and find themselves differently. Parents should be supportive and patient. Some people dont actually know what they want in life until their late 20s or so. Appreciate the person within and not the appearance on the outside. Thats what confuses people.
11
In 1966, I, a tomboy also, was 6 years old.
I asked for a bowtie and promptly received one. I already had a very short hair cut, never wore dresses, cried when my favourite aunt gave me a doll because I thought she knew me better than that... I gave it a short haircut too... lol
I played with little trucks and guns, Lego, built stuff, and also wanted to be a doctor so used toilet rolls to "fix" my Teddy bear's "broken" legs...
My parents let me play with the toys I wanted to play with, I am so thankful for their love and forward thinking!
My parents were the best, as are all parents who let their children be themselves!
I also had crushes on girls and am a lesbian, a "characteristic" also supported by my parents. They were intelligent enough and educated enough to know that one cannot change one's sexuality!
I also know plenty of women who were tomboys and straight!
We, all of us, are who we are! Period!
It is high time we let people including children of course, enjoy what they enjoy and be who they are, society will not crumble.
It will only (continue to) crumble if we are criticized, made to feel bad, put down or forced to be what we are not!
I asked for a bowtie and promptly received one. I already had a very short hair cut, never wore dresses, cried when my favourite aunt gave me a doll because I thought she knew me better than that... I gave it a short haircut too... lol
I played with little trucks and guns, Lego, built stuff, and also wanted to be a doctor so used toilet rolls to "fix" my Teddy bear's "broken" legs...
My parents let me play with the toys I wanted to play with, I am so thankful for their love and forward thinking!
My parents were the best, as are all parents who let their children be themselves!
I also had crushes on girls and am a lesbian, a "characteristic" also supported by my parents. They were intelligent enough and educated enough to know that one cannot change one's sexuality!
I also know plenty of women who were tomboys and straight!
We, all of us, are who we are! Period!
It is high time we let people including children of course, enjoy what they enjoy and be who they are, society will not crumble.
It will only (continue to) crumble if we are criticized, made to feel bad, put down or forced to be what we are not!
6
Third child in four years - and only girl- and the epitome of a "tomboy" much to the consternation of my beloved grandmother (a tomboy in her own right) who would say, "She's just like the boys!" --shaking her head at my many scrapes and cuts from following my older brothers in whatever shenanigans they were up to.
It was also the fifties. So I stood out. A lot. Still remember the ridicule I endured wearing my brothers' cast off "play" clothes- especially their high top sneakers which I loved.
I also loved my long hair tucked up into a cap or swept off my forehead; oh, happy day when it was finally cut short!
And the saddest day was when I stood staring through the fence at the little league team. No girls allowed. None.
(Even though I could pitch and bat as good as a boy. Maybe better.)
But I also loved dolls. And tea parties. And was fortunate to have a mother who just let me be-sometimes hanging upside down from a tree branch; sometimes quietly reading or playing house with a doll nearby.
I'm a grandmother now and happy to report my own granddaughter is simply who she is meant to be: she runs, climbs and plays and is happy. Sometimes she wears blue and boys' clothes.
(Right now she enjoys playing "pirates," along with sighting the Jolly Roger. ) She also loves wearing tutus.
My wish is that every child- and adult-be as carefree and and comfortable as my granddaughter- whomever they choose to be, too.
It was also the fifties. So I stood out. A lot. Still remember the ridicule I endured wearing my brothers' cast off "play" clothes- especially their high top sneakers which I loved.
I also loved my long hair tucked up into a cap or swept off my forehead; oh, happy day when it was finally cut short!
And the saddest day was when I stood staring through the fence at the little league team. No girls allowed. None.
(Even though I could pitch and bat as good as a boy. Maybe better.)
But I also loved dolls. And tea parties. And was fortunate to have a mother who just let me be-sometimes hanging upside down from a tree branch; sometimes quietly reading or playing house with a doll nearby.
I'm a grandmother now and happy to report my own granddaughter is simply who she is meant to be: she runs, climbs and plays and is happy. Sometimes she wears blue and boys' clothes.
(Right now she enjoys playing "pirates," along with sighting the Jolly Roger. ) She also loves wearing tutus.
My wish is that every child- and adult-be as carefree and and comfortable as my granddaughter- whomever they choose to be, too.
10
We may be doing more damage to little children than we can possibly imagine. This hyper sensitivity to gender is alarming. Why? WHY should we be so concerned about this, when we know how pliable the human condition is? "Transgender" is something affecting an extremely small number of people and yet, because of the growing awareness of this condition, we are so eager to brand anyone not abiding by the social norms accompanying gender. The social norms are our heritage and it's compelling to abide by "tradition", but children need the room to discover themselves, not be worried about conformity!
22
excellent article. Yet another example of how most PC liberals in our society put on Airs of having Common Sense decency to other humans but fail to grasp the content of it.
5
I was the same way only I had long hair so those questions werent asked of me. It bothers me that hair would make a difference in how kids are
treated. I had 6 brothers and played sports. I thought I looked like them.
My heros were all men because I didnt know grown women like me.
It wasnt until I had a gay woman gym teacher that I felt I could be myself.
Im not gay. Im married and have 2 sons and 2 grandsons and Ive coached thousands of boys in hockey. Its OK to be a tomboy. Ive had the best life.
treated. I had 6 brothers and played sports. I thought I looked like them.
My heros were all men because I didnt know grown women like me.
It wasnt until I had a gay woman gym teacher that I felt I could be myself.
Im not gay. Im married and have 2 sons and 2 grandsons and Ive coached thousands of boys in hockey. Its OK to be a tomboy. Ive had the best life.
5
The entire concept of "changing gender" seems to have become more of a trendy fashion than anything else. It's time to put a stop to this nonsense. Sure, there are some people who genuinely feel trapped in the wrong body, and these people need to go through the necessary steps to change gender, if they wish to do so. But this recent idea that children can swap genders and even invent themselves into new weird "cross-genders" on a whim is, quite frankly, complete rubbish. I am as liberal and open as anyone else, but this whole "trans-gender" thing has gone way too far.
When I was in high school I remember very well some kids who today would be pressurized into this new "gender swap" fashion. I remember a tough girl who always kept her blonde hair cropped short, always dressed in athletic apparel and competed in all the toughest, male-dominated sports that she could get into.
And where is she now, 30 years later? She didn't change gender. She wasn't even a lesbian (which we all assumed she was, since she had no interest in boys as a teenager). She is a tall, beautiful and very athletic 44 year old wife and mother who runs marathons, works an executive job managing an office full of high-testosterone men, and is perfectly happy at being who she is: a tough, competitive lady who won't be beaten into submission by any man. And if you try to ask her if she'd ever wanted to be a man, be prepared to receive an uppercut on the jaw.
When I was in high school I remember very well some kids who today would be pressurized into this new "gender swap" fashion. I remember a tough girl who always kept her blonde hair cropped short, always dressed in athletic apparel and competed in all the toughest, male-dominated sports that she could get into.
And where is she now, 30 years later? She didn't change gender. She wasn't even a lesbian (which we all assumed she was, since she had no interest in boys as a teenager). She is a tall, beautiful and very athletic 44 year old wife and mother who runs marathons, works an executive job managing an office full of high-testosterone men, and is perfectly happy at being who she is: a tough, competitive lady who won't be beaten into submission by any man. And if you try to ask her if she'd ever wanted to be a man, be prepared to receive an uppercut on the jaw.
21
As a not particularly "girly" woman I can relate. I've taken a lot of heat (and been the subject of gossip) over the years for not being feminine enough. As a child I had short hair and liked to wear my brothers' hand-me-downs. I played with boys and girls. We played with cars, climbed trees, roller-skated, rode bikes, played with dolls, had tea-parties, and dug in the dirt. I grew up, married my husband and had a son. I wear dresses occasionally, but still enjoy wearing men's big shirts.
5
Both children & adults today dress in unisex fashion most of the time. At 9, (1950s) I wore jeans & an old shirt of my fathers after school, as did many other girls. No one ever asked any of us if we were boys. So your daughter must be very androgynous looking. Still, the questions about gender are likely to stop, once she develops breasts at 12 or 13.
3
Thank you! My son has a beautiful face and long beautiful hair and is a boy through and through. Regularly he is mistaken for a girl. He takes it in stride and frequently displays an excellent sense of humor about it. Curious world we are living in that it is such a primary issue in relating to people that we must first understand their identity and not appreciate their humanity.
5
The author correctly states that young girls' rejection of femininity is only rarely due to a transgender identity. But as a former tomboy myself, I recently came to realize the reason why I and many women throughout history have tried to pass as male - because of the limited roles available to women in our society, and because of the way our society often devalues femininity as frivolous or less good than masculinity.
Of course many women and girls prefer a more masculine of gender neutral style. But would I still have pretended to be a boy if I grew up in a culture where girls and boys were equally valued? It is impossible to say.
Of course many women and girls prefer a more masculine of gender neutral style. But would I still have pretended to be a boy if I grew up in a culture where girls and boys were equally valued? It is impossible to say.
12
You daughter sounds so much like mine when she was your daughter's age. Which is why I feel a need to warn you: unless things change quite a bit (which they might) before your daughter reaches puberty, she may give in to the pressure to identify as transgender. This happened to my daughter. Like you, I was supportive. I bought her expensive breast binders (which I have since found out cause digestive and respiratory problems, as well as bruised/broken ribs). The one thing I did, and which I strongly recommend to you, was refuse to allow her to take puberty blockers or cross-sex hormones. Puberty blockers can cause long-term bone damage and can lower IQ (research Lupron) Testosterone causes liver damage and increases the risk of cancer, among other health problems. I told my daughter she would have to wait until adulthood before medically altering her body. By the time she was 17, my daughter had outgrown believing she was trans, despite intense peer pressure to transition and maintain her transgender ID. Protect your daughter's health. Research the profits to be made by giving puberty blockers to kids and putting them on cross-sex hormones for life. This is not about kindness or civil rights. This is about medicalizing gender non-conforming kids and huge profits for the pharmaceutical industry. Protect your daughter.
30
Let's get it straight. Pound for pound, if trained or doing hard, manual labor, men usually are stronger in the chest muscles than women. And that is about it for men. Women, if doing heavy labor, other than in the chest muscles are commonly stronger, pound for pound, than men.
A. 5'7", 39 years old, 40 lbs over her NSAA finalist 200 m and long jump, and not in competitive or heavy labor shape, standing vertical leap matched her age. 39".
At 18, other than the chest machines, only one U.W. football player could match or beat her in the other nautilus machines. As a track star, yet cannot be banned from the weight room by the football coaches.
L. 5'7", 135 lb, 6 months pregnant, bored and very tired. Worked full time two jobs and in graduate school, needing sleep, puts one leg on the universal gym leg press bar, set at 750 lbs, knocks of 10 reps of single leg presses, then other leg for ten, back and forth, non stop for 30 damn minutes.
Stick to the facts.
Then over to bolted down bench for the lat machine, grasps bar at the wide grip, casually warms up with the max, 10 reps of 220 lbs, apparently effortless. Football coaches ban her permanently as she has crashed the testosterone level for all but the one guy who loved it.
USU hammer thrower, basketball center previously at BYU, best Pow Wow dancer in 4 states, ten reps full bench press of 275lbs with no fat body of 6'1", 350 lbs.
A. 5'7", 39 years old, 40 lbs over her NSAA finalist 200 m and long jump, and not in competitive or heavy labor shape, standing vertical leap matched her age. 39".
At 18, other than the chest machines, only one U.W. football player could match or beat her in the other nautilus machines. As a track star, yet cannot be banned from the weight room by the football coaches.
L. 5'7", 135 lb, 6 months pregnant, bored and very tired. Worked full time two jobs and in graduate school, needing sleep, puts one leg on the universal gym leg press bar, set at 750 lbs, knocks of 10 reps of single leg presses, then other leg for ten, back and forth, non stop for 30 damn minutes.
Stick to the facts.
Then over to bolted down bench for the lat machine, grasps bar at the wide grip, casually warms up with the max, 10 reps of 220 lbs, apparently effortless. Football coaches ban her permanently as she has crashed the testosterone level for all but the one guy who loved it.
USU hammer thrower, basketball center previously at BYU, best Pow Wow dancer in 4 states, ten reps full bench press of 275lbs with no fat body of 6'1", 350 lbs.
1
No, no and no. Stronger quads legs and biceps, just to start. Larger lungs and hearts. One or 2 anecdotal tales of unusual strength (if you are to be believed) do not make a universal truth. Maybe an alt truth though.
7
to add to neal...
Men have...
proportionally longer femurs and humerus bones, which equals differing leverage. Less porous bones. Stronger but less flexible ligaments and tendons. Narrower and more upright pelvis with different attachment angle to the femur, which changes gait from being inward to straight ahead. Different metabolism which uses oxygen and fuel more efficiently.
It's not just estrogen and testosterone that regulate and create these differences between men and women; every cell in the body is encoded with difference in function and structure.
Men have...
proportionally longer femurs and humerus bones, which equals differing leverage. Less porous bones. Stronger but less flexible ligaments and tendons. Narrower and more upright pelvis with different attachment angle to the femur, which changes gait from being inward to straight ahead. Different metabolism which uses oxygen and fuel more efficiently.
It's not just estrogen and testosterone that regulate and create these differences between men and women; every cell in the body is encoded with difference in function and structure.
8
She can do as she likes, and later, if she does seek gender reassignment, do remember your supportive words of the moment for those who do. Sometimes the family is not the first to know.
1
My beautiful older sister always preferred trucks to dolls, pants to dresses and hunting for bugs over playing house. She's never worn make up or high heels nor wanted a manicure/pedicure. She is married to a man who thinks she walks on water and adored by her stepson, whom she dotes on. She has a hard-earned PhD to go with her huge heart and joyful spirit. She is my hero every day, and heaven help anyone who tries to tell me she isn't woman or girly enough! Keep telling your daughter to stay her own path and be her own person. I think it will bring her much joy in life. Reading about your daughter gave me such a big smile today, thank you for writing this.
10
Labels are for adults. Take away the labels, and nothing is confusing anymore. People are just who they are.
16
Tomboys? They're a national treasure. And not only in this country. Never met one I didn't like. And, no, I'm not gay.
10
"She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams"
Teenage boys in club teams have regularly destroyed national women's teams in soccer.
An Under-15 team demolished Australia's Women's National team 7-0 a few months ago. Yes... boys under the age of 15 beat one of the top ranked national women's teams.
The US women's team, the top-ranked in the world, lost 8-2 to a U-17 group of boys.
Sweden's Under-17 team beat Sweden's Womens National team 3-0 in 2013.
Maybe it is different for 5 year olds.
Teenage boys in club teams have regularly destroyed national women's teams in soccer.
An Under-15 team demolished Australia's Women's National team 7-0 a few months ago. Yes... boys under the age of 15 beat one of the top ranked national women's teams.
The US women's team, the top-ranked in the world, lost 8-2 to a U-17 group of boys.
Sweden's Under-17 team beat Sweden's Womens National team 3-0 in 2013.
Maybe it is different for 5 year olds.
7
Duh, yeah, Julio, it IS different for 5 year olds. At that age, they can compete relatively equally, and they're not considering the possible post-pubescent size and strength issues.
Here's a big surprise for you - soccer isn't the be-all and end-all of sports.
Take a look at equestrian events, the only athletic area in which men and women compete on an absolutely equal basis, up to and including at the Olympic level.
Check out the USET website to see that being a "girl" isn't an impediment to beating the "boys" - and if you wonder if equestrian athletes are really athletes, feel free to take a horse over a cross-country course. around a dressage ring or over an Olympic jump course and check back with us...it's not your tourist beach ride.
And. as another shock to your system, there's tennis: remember Billie Jean King against Bobby Riggs in 1973? No, probably not - I'll bet you're too young. Hint: she beat him in straight sets.
So perhaps you should reconsider questioning why a 5-year-old would wonder about different men's and women's teams for most sports. There will always be extraordinary individuals, extraordinary teams, and on any given day, anyone can be beat...or win.
Here's a big surprise for you - soccer isn't the be-all and end-all of sports.
Take a look at equestrian events, the only athletic area in which men and women compete on an absolutely equal basis, up to and including at the Olympic level.
Check out the USET website to see that being a "girl" isn't an impediment to beating the "boys" - and if you wonder if equestrian athletes are really athletes, feel free to take a horse over a cross-country course. around a dressage ring or over an Olympic jump course and check back with us...it's not your tourist beach ride.
And. as another shock to your system, there's tennis: remember Billie Jean King against Bobby Riggs in 1973? No, probably not - I'll bet you're too young. Hint: she beat him in straight sets.
So perhaps you should reconsider questioning why a 5-year-old would wonder about different men's and women's teams for most sports. There will always be extraordinary individuals, extraordinary teams, and on any given day, anyone can be beat...or win.
3
@newyorkaise - The fact that you can only dig up a tiny number of women beating men in professional sports proves that women-biological women- deserve their own sports teams.
5
I sooo wish we faced the challenges you do. My 7 year old dresses the same and professes to want to be a boy. It's going to be an agonizing journey for all of us as we wade through the un-navigable waters of puberty blockers, hormones and fear of all the unknowns. Enjoy your situation, cherish your child and feel lucky! Being the parent of a transgender kid is even more about being wrong than most parenting. Sigh.
If your child wanted to be an astronaut would you buy her a rocket?
Or would you advise her to wait until she's old enough?
Or would you advise her to wait until she's old enough?
7
It is going to be an agonizing journey only if you make it one. From reading your post is appears that you have a problem, not your child. Being the parent of a transgender kid is not about being wrong. Perhaps if you educated yourself many of your fears would disappear.
Do not give in to the social/medical pressure you will encounter. Your daughter needs to live her life in her body while she is a child. If as an adult she makes other decisions, okay. But don't do the medical thing that you will be pressured to do.
Trust those of us who grew up in the 50s and 60s and encountered this same thing, girls who wished they were be boys (perhaps most of us did) and said they were boys (my sister did). Eventually, reality sinks in for nearly all of these girls. The opportunities your daughter will have will NOT be enhanced by giving in to the pressure to do the hormones and surgery while she is still a child.
Trust those of us who grew up in the 50s and 60s and encountered this same thing, girls who wished they were be boys (perhaps most of us did) and said they were boys (my sister did). Eventually, reality sinks in for nearly all of these girls. The opportunities your daughter will have will NOT be enhanced by giving in to the pressure to do the hormones and surgery while she is still a child.
3
How unfortunate in this society people are still supposed to conform to a certain look or behavior that has been enforced by generations for centuries. Kudos to those who just say no.
5
Whatever she is or isn't, she could at least, as a person, still have a name. Or is that sort of thing irrelevant these days? It seems people don't matter anymore as people, only instead society's take on them. I wish Society would just learn to mind its own business.
2
Perhaps her mother is protecting her from future scrutiny which may, for some inexplicable reason, be judgemental. Those parents who put videos of their children on YouTube are, in my opinion, abusive.
5
Iver, the writer is probably concerned that putting her daughter's name out in public might subject her to ongoing scrutiny by the kinds of creepy people whom one would prefer not to have slithering after her for the rest of her life.
This is, after all, her mother's version of the story - who knows what the child thinks now or will eventually remember? Why would giving her a name change anything in this essay?
This isn't about "Society", Iver. It's about protection.
In this age of "social media", I question why anyone would think that giving out a child's name - or photograph - would be even remotely safe, Without knowing her name, someone like you may think she's being represented as less than a person, but in my view, she is also far less a target.
This is, after all, her mother's version of the story - who knows what the child thinks now or will eventually remember? Why would giving her a name change anything in this essay?
This isn't about "Society", Iver. It's about protection.
In this age of "social media", I question why anyone would think that giving out a child's name - or photograph - would be even remotely safe, Without knowing her name, someone like you may think she's being represented as less than a person, but in my view, she is also far less a target.
3
Your little girl reminds me of my wife. People comment on our marriage all the time, because I'm the cook and grocery-shopper, while she is the repair/handy person around the house. For my birthday, she's liable to get me a particular pot or set of chef's knives; for her birthday, I got her a particular table saw.
She told me on our first date, "I really like you, but you need to know right now I'll never wear high heels or makeup. If those are dealbreakers, let's call the whole thing off." They weren't - we didn't. I will love her until I die.
She told me on our first date, "I really like you, but you need to know right now I'll never wear high heels or makeup. If those are dealbreakers, let's call the whole thing off." They weren't - we didn't. I will love her until I die.
33
We have become a disturbingly narrow-minded society when it comes to gender role issues, particularly for children. When I was a boy in the 1960s I had a friend who was similar to the girl in this column. She played with the boys because she liked the things we did. Like the boys, she went shirtless all summer until her body changed. She was strong and fearless. But no one doubted that she was a girl, leaving her free to do what she liked. Last I knew she was a mentally and physically healthy woman with children and a husband. How sad it would have been if she had been pressured to "act like a girl," or to become a boy.
18
My goodness... This hit home for me in so many ways. I was (am) a Tomboy, who has grown into a strong, independent, and fully capable woman; I work in a male-dominated industry, am lax about feminine beauty standards (minimal, if any makeup, rarely a pair of heels, etc.), and most of my friends are still male or male-identifying, but I've gathered a small clutch of women who will forever be dear to my heart. During my teen years, I tried to play the part of the 'good' girl and went against my nature, but it never quite stuck and I invariably returned to the more androgynous styles that I loved as a child.
Like your daughter, I was incredibly fortunate to have a supportive mother. She never denied me any interest as being too masculine and always respected my choices. Unfortunately, that same courtesy was not extended by all of my family and, as a shy, sweet little girl, it was very hard. It makes me happy to see that we've progressed to a point where we can have these conversations about gender and its fluidity in the public sphere, but the challenges your daughter faces—not entirely different from those I remember—reveal that we still have a long way to go.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you; someday she'll be grown and realise just how much it mattered that you were always her biggest champion. Thanks for being the best kind of mom, Ms. Davis. We need more like you.
Like your daughter, I was incredibly fortunate to have a supportive mother. She never denied me any interest as being too masculine and always respected my choices. Unfortunately, that same courtesy was not extended by all of my family and, as a shy, sweet little girl, it was very hard. It makes me happy to see that we've progressed to a point where we can have these conversations about gender and its fluidity in the public sphere, but the challenges your daughter faces—not entirely different from those I remember—reveal that we still have a long way to go.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you; someday she'll be grown and realise just how much it mattered that you were always her biggest champion. Thanks for being the best kind of mom, Ms. Davis. We need more like you.
14
The TG bloc has intentionally shamed everyone around them to shatter their "normal" view of life in the world, and this is the result: Teachers and other adults hoping to avoid offending anyone by either acting or speaking "inappropriately" as if that can be determined by looking at someone's appearance.
The end result of this will be a dumbing-down of life, because the only way to look at everyone and see them as exactly the same is to become a part of Orwell's "1984". Watch the original 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial if you want a vision of life where everyone is exactly the same. Because that's what awaits.
The end result of this will be a dumbing-down of life, because the only way to look at everyone and see them as exactly the same is to become a part of Orwell's "1984". Watch the original 1984 Apple Macintosh commercial if you want a vision of life where everyone is exactly the same. Because that's what awaits.
16
My daughter wore dresses every day, took ballet lessons, and loved Barbies as a child. She is 27, married to a man she loves, wears booties with a heel and makeup when she feels like it and is pursuing her Master's Degree in entomology (icky bug stuff) and works full time as a research scientist. This article was a breath of fresh air. We should all remember that "girly" girls are just as capable of defying gender roles in the workplace.
6
There are many components to sexuality: gender, gender identity, sex-role orientation, and sexual orientation are the most prominent. There are as many combinations as there are people. Many people find sexuality confusing and try and fit people in neat boxes. It doesn't work well. There isn't any good reason for girls or boys to be locked into roles which don't fit them. Some boys enjoy doing things that are traditional for girls to do and vice-versa. What the writer is advocating for is letting children define themselves; they don't need adults to define them. They need adults to listen to them and to admire what they can do and who they can be.
4
Thank you for this. I've always seen gender as a spectrum - truly. What has upset me about the way the transgender rights movement is messaging is that it's actually (IMHO) reinforcing gender stereotypes. That if you want to wear a dress then you're a girl instead of someone (regardless of gender) who likes to wear dresses. And vice versa
Similarly, I've seen a butchy lesbian friend of mine feel pressured to identify more "male" in this current climate, even altering her name. I know her - this is not a pattern that has emerged in her life, it's social pressure.
I feel that the transgender movement is really more about expanding acceptable male ways of being. The only ones who want to go into the men's bathroom at this point are macho men (which is a big clue) and I think what needs to change is men's perspective/expectations of their gender. Why can't a man born with that equipment be a nurturing ballerina and still be a man? Women have a much broader spectrum of expression - we've tried to give images of doctors, scientists and stay-at-home-moms for our daughters to choose from.
I feel that instead of trying to push people into neat little boxes, we should spend more time doing the inner work so that we can accept all people as they are in the moment.
Similarly, I've seen a butchy lesbian friend of mine feel pressured to identify more "male" in this current climate, even altering her name. I know her - this is not a pattern that has emerged in her life, it's social pressure.
I feel that the transgender movement is really more about expanding acceptable male ways of being. The only ones who want to go into the men's bathroom at this point are macho men (which is a big clue) and I think what needs to change is men's perspective/expectations of their gender. Why can't a man born with that equipment be a nurturing ballerina and still be a man? Women have a much broader spectrum of expression - we've tried to give images of doctors, scientists and stay-at-home-moms for our daughters to choose from.
I feel that instead of trying to push people into neat little boxes, we should spend more time doing the inner work so that we can accept all people as they are in the moment.
15
I am amazed, after reading this article and many screens of comments, that no one has mentioned the obvious asymmetry here.
Simply invert the gender references of the title: "My Son Is Not Transgender. He's a Sissy".
For all of the perfectly valid observations by the author and many women with similar indifference (or even antipathy) to femininity, tomboys have always been vastly better accepted than their male counterparts. The tomboy can be "just as good (strong, smart, whatever)" as a boy and be admired for it, even growing up unencumbered by the demands of beauty and such to have happy, stable heterosexual marriages as well as notable careers.
Defying or discarding feminine "inferiority" to aspire and reach up to masculine "superiority" does not support feminism; it reinforces it by maintaining the idea that femininity holds women back. But let a biological male aspire to a more feminine model than the crude maleness standards that pervade our society as much as ever, and all hell breaks loose, from parents to teachers to peers to siblings.
Relatively masculine females have ALWAYS had a better lot in life than relatively feminine males, yet neither this article nor any comment I've seen appears to recognize and note this imbalance.
Simply invert the gender references of the title: "My Son Is Not Transgender. He's a Sissy".
For all of the perfectly valid observations by the author and many women with similar indifference (or even antipathy) to femininity, tomboys have always been vastly better accepted than their male counterparts. The tomboy can be "just as good (strong, smart, whatever)" as a boy and be admired for it, even growing up unencumbered by the demands of beauty and such to have happy, stable heterosexual marriages as well as notable careers.
Defying or discarding feminine "inferiority" to aspire and reach up to masculine "superiority" does not support feminism; it reinforces it by maintaining the idea that femininity holds women back. But let a biological male aspire to a more feminine model than the crude maleness standards that pervade our society as much as ever, and all hell breaks loose, from parents to teachers to peers to siblings.
Relatively masculine females have ALWAYS had a better lot in life than relatively feminine males, yet neither this article nor any comment I've seen appears to recognize and note this imbalance.
20
I feel you may be missing that what you are speaking of as "feminine" is what is imposed - we must be more passive, more supportive, less able to take care of ourselves. These are not inherently due to our biology - they are societally imposed. So, yeah, stepping away from the traditional femininity is strength - because those were roles that very much were created to be inferior.
4
The fact that the writer is even thinking about puberty blockers and hormones for her daughter is disturbing and not exactly consistent with the point she seems to be trying to make. And why even refer to her daughter as a "tomboy?" That label should have been discarded decades ago.
I think transgenderism is getting much too much attention lately. It's a rare condition that affects a tiny portion of the population. Those few individuals who as adults feel a need to change their sex physically and legally should be accomodated, but they are not necessarily going to be satisfied with the results or any happier than they were before. Gender reassignment is not a panacea for gender dysphoria and should not even be considered for children.
I think transgenderism is getting much too much attention lately. It's a rare condition that affects a tiny portion of the population. Those few individuals who as adults feel a need to change their sex physically and legally should be accomodated, but they are not necessarily going to be satisfied with the results or any happier than they were before. Gender reassignment is not a panacea for gender dysphoria and should not even be considered for children.
46
This liberal left, overblown infatuation with gender identity has to stop! This is why Democrats keep losing elections! We are 5 years away until schools start calling parents, "Mrs. Johnson we noticed 2nd grader Jimmy playing paddy-cake and jump rope with the girls today instead of kickball with the boys- we have reason to believe he may be TRANSGENDER! Mark my words it will come to this!
17
All those teachers are being confused by political propaganda. "Oh, if a girl acts like a boy we are supposed to call her a transgender boy".
The Times needs to stop talking to political lobbyists who make up new rules, and talk to real people who "get it". A tomboy is a girl who is fond of sports, period.
The Times needs to stop talking to political lobbyists who make up new rules, and talk to real people who "get it". A tomboy is a girl who is fond of sports, period.
11
Why do you care what other people think? Tell them to bug off. You and your family should live your lives as you see fit, and so should everybody else.
3
"She does not understand why there are separate men's and women's sports teams, why women earn less and why they don’t run our country."
Who is it in your household that has gender issues again? Are you sure it's your kid?
Why would a seven year old have any concept of (wrongly perceived, widely disproved) gender (in)equality issues?
What else are you brainwashing her with?
You appear to be white, is she? Why aren't you telling her about her white privilege?
You seem to be a fairly successful author so it may be safe to assume you are financially comfortable. Do you make less than male novelists? How much does she know about her class privilege? Does she question why it is she is so comfortable while others suffer?
Women don't run things? Have you ever told her about Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren or Kirsten Gillibrand or Nancy Pelosi or Queen Elizabeth or Theresa May or Benazir Bhutto or Marine Le Pen or...? Your first novel was published by Little Brown. Did you tell her about Reagan Arthur, the woman who runs Little Brown?
She's American, right? Why doesn't she question her first world privilege?
There's nothing wrong with your daughter. She sounds like a wonderful kid.
You may want to re-evaluate how you indoctrinate her into your twisted worldview, the one where you are always a victim based on your gender but ignore your own privilege based on your class, race, and ethnicity.
Who is it in your household that has gender issues again? Are you sure it's your kid?
Why would a seven year old have any concept of (wrongly perceived, widely disproved) gender (in)equality issues?
What else are you brainwashing her with?
You appear to be white, is she? Why aren't you telling her about her white privilege?
You seem to be a fairly successful author so it may be safe to assume you are financially comfortable. Do you make less than male novelists? How much does she know about her class privilege? Does she question why it is she is so comfortable while others suffer?
Women don't run things? Have you ever told her about Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren or Kirsten Gillibrand or Nancy Pelosi or Queen Elizabeth or Theresa May or Benazir Bhutto or Marine Le Pen or...? Your first novel was published by Little Brown. Did you tell her about Reagan Arthur, the woman who runs Little Brown?
She's American, right? Why doesn't she question her first world privilege?
There's nothing wrong with your daughter. She sounds like a wonderful kid.
You may want to re-evaluate how you indoctrinate her into your twisted worldview, the one where you are always a victim based on your gender but ignore your own privilege based on your class, race, and ethnicity.
11
Her kid could just watch the evening news. It is suggested in school. Then family members answer questions.
At 7 her gender matters. She won't be playing baseball at school. When there are school programs, it will probably be suggested she wear a dress, obliquely. Or when parts are handed out & she wants to be a Native American warrior, she will never be picked. An Italian boy will have a better chance. These are the things that teach a young woman such as herself, that being a girl is still on the side of being a second class citizen. She doesn't need her mother to tell her, she just keeps her eyes open. But, she isn't breaking down & following all those stupid rules. Just because some women are outliers & have made it pretty far in a man's world, doesn't mean it is so for run of the mill women. Or minority men. She should be told that white men are no longer the majority. That if you take all minorities, a few of which are: people of color, different ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, ableness (God I hate that one, though I am disabled, ableness is not a word), age, religion or none, ect, & add them together, which we are learning to do, WE are the MAJORITY. You are just another minority. As it should be. But you believe the majority rules. So, WE WILL, JUST WATCH US!
At 7 her gender matters. She won't be playing baseball at school. When there are school programs, it will probably be suggested she wear a dress, obliquely. Or when parts are handed out & she wants to be a Native American warrior, she will never be picked. An Italian boy will have a better chance. These are the things that teach a young woman such as herself, that being a girl is still on the side of being a second class citizen. She doesn't need her mother to tell her, she just keeps her eyes open. But, she isn't breaking down & following all those stupid rules. Just because some women are outliers & have made it pretty far in a man's world, doesn't mean it is so for run of the mill women. Or minority men. She should be told that white men are no longer the majority. That if you take all minorities, a few of which are: people of color, different ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, ableness (God I hate that one, though I am disabled, ableness is not a word), age, religion or none, ect, & add them together, which we are learning to do, WE are the MAJORITY. You are just another minority. As it should be. But you believe the majority rules. So, WE WILL, JUST WATCH US!
I remember having a pretty clear understanding of gender and power from watching my parent's marriage as a child. No one indoctrinated me. I just kept my eyes open. Many of us see the same thing but draw different conclusions.
It's true: this article didn't also include an intersectional analysis. It's one mother's experience of one daughter. Let's hear some more stories of real people's lives.
It's true: this article didn't also include an intersectional analysis. It's one mother's experience of one daughter. Let's hear some more stories of real people's lives.
2
No matter what others say or think, you are not different, you are just you.
2
ah, the intolerance of liberalism
8
Good goin' mom! Your attitude is the best!
1
Thank you.
2
"Hero" is good.
Nope. Your child can't just be a tomboy. She must be classified as she identifies herself. Otherwise you are insensitive mean spirited and bigoted.
3
She classifies herself as herself.
2
Who wrote the headline for this piece? Using "Tomboy" to label girls who are sporty is part of the problem this piece is addressing.
10
Is it? The author uses the word quite a bit, so while it might be part of a problem you've identified it doesn't seem to be part of the problem the author writes about. When did we decide that all descriptive words are pejoratives. Long before many people learned to accept LGBT people as normal, the word Tomboy was used, often with pride or affection to who was deemed well within the norm, even in those days of far more restrictive norms. The author, who seems to be a caring mother seems to be alright with it and her daughter would prefer "tom girl" it does not appear that she's much bothered by it.
4
Tomboy does not mean only girls who are 'sporty'.
I was a tomboy, I climbed trees, had plastic soldiers to play with, had a cowboy outfit (skirts are very unpractical to play in), I did play basketball with the boys, not because I liked basketball, but, because I had the only hoop, & the majority wanted to play basketball, they couldn't if I didn't. Dad's rules. Most sports were boring to me. But, the guys and I played croquet, cowboys & Indians (I had a cowboy outfit so was stuck being a cowboy). I was a kid, they were kids, the fact I was a girl, they were boys didn't enter into it until we were in about to go into. 7th grade, though a girl had moved into the neighborhood in 4th grade. She was mostly boring. Until 7th grade. When boys started to be boys, & girls started to be girls, & neither liked each other much. During that younger time I was stuffed into uncomfortable clothes on fancy occasions, so were boys, they hated ties, I would have traded a crinoline skirt for a tie any day. One time I snuck an old one out to show the guys. After that they agreed with me. Torture devices. After that, we decided kilts must have crinolines, as the Scotsmen were tough!
I was a tomboy, but, not sporty. To be a tomboy it can't all be about sports, but, playing whatever the 'gang' is playing, boys are not all sports all the time.
I was a tomboy, I climbed trees, had plastic soldiers to play with, had a cowboy outfit (skirts are very unpractical to play in), I did play basketball with the boys, not because I liked basketball, but, because I had the only hoop, & the majority wanted to play basketball, they couldn't if I didn't. Dad's rules. Most sports were boring to me. But, the guys and I played croquet, cowboys & Indians (I had a cowboy outfit so was stuck being a cowboy). I was a kid, they were kids, the fact I was a girl, they were boys didn't enter into it until we were in about to go into. 7th grade, though a girl had moved into the neighborhood in 4th grade. She was mostly boring. Until 7th grade. When boys started to be boys, & girls started to be girls, & neither liked each other much. During that younger time I was stuffed into uncomfortable clothes on fancy occasions, so were boys, they hated ties, I would have traded a crinoline skirt for a tie any day. One time I snuck an old one out to show the guys. After that they agreed with me. Torture devices. After that, we decided kilts must have crinolines, as the Scotsmen were tough!
I was a tomboy, but, not sporty. To be a tomboy it can't all be about sports, but, playing whatever the 'gang' is playing, boys are not all sports all the time.
2
Love it!!
But when a little boy wants to wear dresses and play with dolls, will the opposite happen? We cheerfully call him a "tomgirl" and no big deal? I think not. Why is that?
Imagine what a boy who adopts a "too feminine" role goes through.
9
WHAT A GREAT MOTHER!! How many transgender persons, or even gay persons have been (somehow, who knows how?) convinced by their peers, parents, teachers, doctors, etc.., that they are what they have been suspected of being based upon a boy's predilection for dolls or jewelry or other "girly" stuff. In kindergarten, Milton, a boy, SHOCKED the teacher and most of us little kids, by playing in the life sized doll house and coming from behind the flat house dressed as a girl in oversized high heels, a very baggy dress and a gigantic hat. He was sent home immediately, never to be seen again. Did he turn out gay or transgender or just thoroughly confused as to what to wear come prom night years later? We are told that these things, who we love and with which gender we identify, are decided in the womb. Yet I wonder if the people around us give a big nudge one way or the other when they decide if a boy is too feminine or a girl too masculine? As it stands today, in the USA, it has been decreed that men who like Streisand must be gay; therefore, women who like Sinatra are lesbians? Are their men who really are not gay living as gay men (does not seem possible), and are there women who are doing the same, living as lesbians, who are not? Men who wear dresses are immediately labeled as ________. Women who wear pants are_______? SNL had the "effeminate heterosexual" and "Pat," whose gender was always questionable. Makes the head spin.
5
In my neighborhood Milton would have been playing with everyone at dress up. One family had trunks full of old dressy clothes. Yes there was a tuxedo, it NEVER came out of the trunk. We all both girls & boys preferred the gowns. One year in the 4th of July horrible parade we did a wedding party out of those trunks. A girl was the groom, a boy was the bride, complete with a clowns face full of makeup, everyone else was a bridesmaid. The girl/groom didn't use the tux as we couldn't figure out where all the parts went. But, a dress shirt (with cufflinks), a vest, & her summer shorts were fine.
No one screamed, or dragged their impressionable kids away. We won in fact. We kept on a couple more years, then all of us outgrew it. I feel sorry for Milton. Whoever he grew up to be didn't matter. He was just playing dress up.
No one screamed, or dragged their impressionable kids away. We won in fact. We kept on a couple more years, then all of us outgrew it. I feel sorry for Milton. Whoever he grew up to be didn't matter. He was just playing dress up.
2
Lisa, you go girl!
HEAR! HEAR! She should be and do as she wishes and every body else be damned. She is my hero too but I want to express my admiration for you as well. Keep up the great work. Good luck gj
What would the headline for this piece be if the subject were a boy—"My Son is Not Transgender. He's a...Sissy"?. There is no equivalent affirmative term. There is "Nancy boy" (hmmm, why not Nancygirl), but that does not carry the proud heritage of tomboy. Boys or men cannot even be allowed the descriptive "feminine", but instead get tarred with "effeminate", which is a term of absence (he's unmanly).
10
Thank you!
4
Thank you!
3
Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. She sounds like a fantastic person -- and very much her own person.
5
why do we keep attempting to out rationalize nature? I am a pretty liberal person but I feel that the current trajectories of social definition we are engaged in are fool-hearted at best. Children are not born "feeling" like a woman or a man, however they are born with sexual organs that place them in one of these categories. Gender and sexual identity should not be treated as this variant that has no fixed definition. As hard as she will try to she will never prevent her menstrual cycle, as hard as we try women still are the only people capable of gestation of children. As hard as we would like dressing up like a woman does not make you one, motherhood, dignity, eloquence nurturing qualities make you a woman not a dress or what kind of mac makeup your wearing. We need to stop attempting the deliberate delegitimization of our BIOLOGY. That child will grow up with the potential to bear our next generations whether or not she does is her choice but we should not make it seem like this is not a fixture in ourselves. The woman woman's body and male body are distinct and unique. This insidious attempt to some how eliminate these distinctions are a unique level of psychosis.
17
Guess you've never heard of the babies born with full sets of both male & female genitals. By your ideas we should let them be, so they can have the joy of having periods & wet dreams? It's classified as a birth defect. Now most birth defects have a range of severity. Trans might just be on the easier end. Only one set, but, the wrong set. Well, when surgery first came along, doctors decided they would make them all female (cutting off being easier than making from scratch). As these first kids got older, it became obvious some were boys. Doctors had told the parents to raise their little girls frilly, pink, crinolines (it was the 50's), thinking as such went in those days that giving these kids no other choice they would BE girls. There were suicides. Some just stayed away from people. Any people, because they didn't fit. Then they decided to wait around 3 years to see if they could tell which were girls & which were boys. Can you tell at 3? Had to be kept a secret, even from the child. Always have surgery before school. Outcome wasn't much better. Now, they wait till the kids have some idea. Not how they act (some who identify later as girls were tomboys), but, as they got older & could talk about how they felt inside, often didn't match what the doctors & parents had thought. Many don't get surgery as it isn't always paid for by insurance, & is always expensive. Same with trans kids. Some get hormone treatment now as teenagers, some later. Some go completely & get surgery.
Thank you for writing this. My daughter is a tomboy (and mistaken for a boy) on some days and wears dresses on others. Sometimes she wears a Star Wars shirt over a flower dress. Adults find this confusing or want to label it -- kids don't care. If she ever shows any interest in identifying as something other than a girl, we will support her whole-heartedly, but right now she is just being herself. I was the same way as a kid and continue to identify as a non-girly female.
5
Can we do away with labels?
Once upon a time, children of either sex wore what looked like girls' clothes. Go to the Metropolitan Museum and you'll find old paintings that requires reading the little placard to figure out which little child is the boy and which the girl. Maybe that was good.
Kids seem to know, and grown-ups shouldn't ask.
When my cousin, whose doting mother kept him in long curls, was stopped by entranced strangers and complimented on being such a pretty little girl, he would growl, "I'm a boy! I'm a boy!" Eventually his mother got the message and cut his hair.
Let kids run around and be kids.
It would be nice, too, if society would stop sexualizing them. Some of the little girls I see fill me with horror -- all that lipstick, rouge, and preening. Shirley Temple never looked like such a painted doll. And "The Good Ship Lollipop" notwithstanding, she was never billed as a sexpot toddler.
Once upon a time, children of either sex wore what looked like girls' clothes. Go to the Metropolitan Museum and you'll find old paintings that requires reading the little placard to figure out which little child is the boy and which the girl. Maybe that was good.
Kids seem to know, and grown-ups shouldn't ask.
When my cousin, whose doting mother kept him in long curls, was stopped by entranced strangers and complimented on being such a pretty little girl, he would growl, "I'm a boy! I'm a boy!" Eventually his mother got the message and cut his hair.
Let kids run around and be kids.
It would be nice, too, if society would stop sexualizing them. Some of the little girls I see fill me with horror -- all that lipstick, rouge, and preening. Shirley Temple never looked like such a painted doll. And "The Good Ship Lollipop" notwithstanding, she was never billed as a sexpot toddler.
12
I agree it is we that are enforcing these labels in order to appease certain segments of our society
7
Thanks - and yes many of us chose (and choose) to wear our hair short. I was a competitive swimmer and hated caps, but also hated hair in my face. I loved construction toys as a kid, and one of my best birthdays was my 10th when I was given my OWN baseball bat and my OWN glove rather than the hand-me-downs from my sisters and brothers. I also had lots of crushes on boys, played with Barbies and Kens AND my brothers' GI Joes - all in the family you know. I am grateful for parents who didn't flinch, for a father who said I could be anything I wanted to be, and for siblings who led the way. I entered a male-dominated field and enjoyed a 20-year career with that confidence that I really could do anything and work with anyone. There are still too many stereotypes and assumptions made about women who keep short hairstyles and work in certain professions (yes I'm straight), but it's getting better. Thanks to Lisa Selin Davis for encouraging her strong, confident, rockin' 7-yr-old!
9
Some of us actually wear short hair because it is so fine it looks awful long. Hubby wanted me to have long hair, we've been married 45.5 years now, so once I grew it out. When I realized I wore it in a pony tail that gave me the same look as short hair, because it wouldn't do any thing else, I had it cut off again. Told Hubby, that's it. Did get it a bit longer for a while, then decided, yuck, looks awful, needs washing every day & I can't bad skin hates water. The hair dresser asked him if I could get it short. Almost killed her. Love him, he said ask her, it's her hair. The first time I grew it then cut it off, we square danced, went to one, the caller (a friend, I think), started a set with the song, can't tell the boys from the girls, I ignored him. Square dancing requires a crinoline petticoat. Grr. Most have covering over the prickly part at the waist, though.
Hair is hair, it's nice to have some. Know someone who had cancer & hers never grew back. Still years later wears what some would call a hijab. She has a few hairs she has grown long, so that if someone is nasty she pulls it off, & it is so obvious it isn't shaved. I applaud her. But, it looks bad, so she has the biggest collection of scarves I know of. Has since the 1990's. Short, long, in between, it's nice, but, not absolutely necessary.
Hair is hair, it's nice to have some. Know someone who had cancer & hers never grew back. Still years later wears what some would call a hijab. She has a few hairs she has grown long, so that if someone is nasty she pulls it off, & it is so obvious it isn't shaved. I applaud her. But, it looks bad, so she has the biggest collection of scarves I know of. Has since the 1990's. Short, long, in between, it's nice, but, not absolutely necessary.
I am so happy that my mother was a tomboy when she was young. There was basically nothing I could do to freak her out. She allowed me to keep a huge insect collection right in the living room. She kept parakeets and let them fly all over the house. She even let me run my model airplanes - gas engines and horrible noise - right in the living room! When she found out my brother and sister and I had trashed the kitchen with spaghetti, she was cool! (We had to clean the kitchen.) She was free and so was I.
8
Thank you for sharing your story about your daughter. I, too, was a tomboy back in the 1970's, hated wearing dresses (except a rocking maxi-dress one time), cried one morning when getting ready for school and my mother asked me what was wrong, and I said "I hate wearing dresses" so she let me pick out my own clothes from then on (I was in third grade), I climbed the highest trees, swam in giant puddles after rain storms, made mud pies, played with my Barbies and Ken and my "Dina" doll, played chicken fights with boys on the monkey bars, and generally had myself a blast, bending gender roles with a permissive mother and step-father. I got more girly after puberty but still prefer pants to dresses/skirts, love my high heels but also my flats, getting my nails and hair done but wear minimal make-up, and still have great guy friends that I can talk to in a straightforward way and not have worry about hurting their feelings. God bless you for allowing your daughter to be herself, in all her glory.
4
Let's see: Her pediatrician isn't convinced her genitals are telling the truth; almost all of her friends are boys (what does that say about girls?); even her teacher, who not only "sees" her every day but interacts with her, feels the need to reaffirm her identity so as not to offend. I can only think this exceptional child will grow up exceptionally and turn out to be an exceptional person.
1
If some mealy mouthed teacher asked if I really were a girl, I would be offended.
4
My daughter, wears pink, sometimes frilly dresses and sometimes jeans. She also has a large collection of Matchbox cars, which she started collecting as a child; she keeps it in a special Matchbox case. As a child, she had a Big Wheels and she and her friends--boys and girls--would race along the streets of our neighborhood. She didn't go by any label, because it was unnecessary.
3
"The kids get it. But the grown-ups do not. While celebrating the diversity of sexual and gender identities, we also need to celebrate tomboys and other girls who fall outside the narrow confines of gender roles. Don’t tell them that they’re not girls."
Like so many of the other commenters, I too grew up loving Tonka trucks and playing tackle football. I detested dolls, dresses and dainty anything. I guess it's because my younger brother was only a year younger than me and we were the best of friends. We did everything together and were each other's shadow. My choices and behavior did not surprise or even impact how my parents saw me or treated me. I was happy. I played outside. And I stayed out of their hair and didn't get into trouble. I was every parents' "dream child" in that regard and they were happy because I was happy.
So my question is what if a little boy wanted to play with dolls and help their mother bake cookies and learn how to sew - what name would he have been given? A Tina Girl? Seriously, my parents were predominately concerned and relieved that their kids did not become ill (like the neighbor's little boy who had cancer) and that we were happy. I don't think my childhood was simplistic, merely uneventful. Expectations and labels weren't as extreme and severe like them appear to be these days. Maybe adults should start listening to kids more and take their cues from them because I think kids like simple and easy and fun. Period.
4
I think one issues that this article brings up and is frequently alluded to in the comments is that all the focus on transgender issues has frequently ignored the fact that gender identity, gender roles, and even anatomic gender are not completely binary. While I absolutely believe that acceptance of people who are transgender and clearly identify as a sex different than that assigned at birth is important, what really needs to happen more generally is acceptance of people and how they choose to navigate life in their interests, career choices, sexual preferences, clothing choices, and to try to avoid the need to box people into neat and discrete categories. While categories have their utility, focusing too much on whether you are gay, heterosexual, bisexual, Cisgender, transgender, etc. can wind up being limiting in how people develop and understand how they best fit into society.
When I think about my 5 year old daughter who loves pink, loves dresses, and loves playing hockey and how she has told me on multiple occasions that she can't do this or that because she is a girl, it saddens me. With all the strides we have made in gender equity and acceptance of different lifestyles it is clear how far we have to go in terms of removing the limits we have on gender roles and perceptions.
When I think about my 5 year old daughter who loves pink, loves dresses, and loves playing hockey and how she has told me on multiple occasions that she can't do this or that because she is a girl, it saddens me. With all the strides we have made in gender equity and acceptance of different lifestyles it is clear how far we have to go in terms of removing the limits we have on gender roles and perceptions.
10
At some point she will need to accept that it's extremely unlikely that she will ever earn a livable wage playing women's hockey. That's not a gender role limit imposed by society. That's a function of biology and market capitalism where getting paid well means you need be among the very best, and biology severely limits the probability that your daughter can compete against men in a job that needs to attract paying fans to pay players.
This of course is just a representative example. I'm sure you will be glad to support her if she chooses to become a construction worker, crab fisherman, long haul trucker, or be in any other industry where men make up 95 % of workplace fatalities and are rightfully compensated higher for taking life and death risks.
This of course is just a representative example. I'm sure you will be glad to support her if she chooses to become a construction worker, crab fisherman, long haul trucker, or be in any other industry where men make up 95 % of workplace fatalities and are rightfully compensated higher for taking life and death risks.
2
It's incredibly unlikely that any man will earn a living wage playing men's hockey either. But kids need their dreams. It's extremely unlikely that any of the kids who want to be a President will succeed either.
2
I hope when your 5 year old says I can't cause I'm a girl, you sit her down & say, yes you can. Maybe not in that pink princess dress, but, playing hockey would be tough in that too. But, as far as I am concerned you CAN do anything. If someone gives you trouble, until you grow up & can handle it yourself, let me know & I will take care of it. That's what dads are for. Just don't say one thing & do another.
I wanted to get a job at 16. I had been raised that I could be anything I wanted to be. Until then. My older brother had a job at 16. I was told "no daughter of mine is going to work". That was a wrong thing my Dad said. Mom later, too much later, told me he told her during WW2, when he was going overseas that 'no wife of mine was going to work'. So, she had to live with his parents, his pay wasn't enough to keep their apartment. His mother hated her. Not good. Had an infant, who was ill. Medicine cost a lot. He didn't always get it. If she had had a job, well? But, he was old school, born in 1910. Women didn't work if at all possible. Poor people, the women had to take in wash or something, but, even they were not encouraged to 'get a real job'. Many did in WW2 & we have never been totally stuffed back in that box since. Though it is still being tried.
I wanted to get a job at 16. I had been raised that I could be anything I wanted to be. Until then. My older brother had a job at 16. I was told "no daughter of mine is going to work". That was a wrong thing my Dad said. Mom later, too much later, told me he told her during WW2, when he was going overseas that 'no wife of mine was going to work'. So, she had to live with his parents, his pay wasn't enough to keep their apartment. His mother hated her. Not good. Had an infant, who was ill. Medicine cost a lot. He didn't always get it. If she had had a job, well? But, he was old school, born in 1910. Women didn't work if at all possible. Poor people, the women had to take in wash or something, but, even they were not encouraged to 'get a real job'. Many did in WW2 & we have never been totally stuffed back in that box since. Though it is still being tried.
1
Your daughter sounds like me!
I've always been an athletic, short-haired girl. I didn't wear makeup until college. I hated high heels. I went through a phase where I wore ties and I STILL LOVE BLAZERS.
If I wasn't getting mistaken for a boy, I was getting mistaken for a lesbian. Sometimes people meant these as an insult - the men I turned down in bars invariably thought I had to be gay because I rejected them.
You find what you love. Now at 26, I still have short hair, play rugby, have a Masters degree, wear makeup, and have a wonderful boyfriend who appreciates women who handle their own. I've struggled a lot with "traditional" modes of femininity before I realized there should be no "traditional" femininity. A girls gotta feel good!
Kudos to you and your daughter!
I've always been an athletic, short-haired girl. I didn't wear makeup until college. I hated high heels. I went through a phase where I wore ties and I STILL LOVE BLAZERS.
If I wasn't getting mistaken for a boy, I was getting mistaken for a lesbian. Sometimes people meant these as an insult - the men I turned down in bars invariably thought I had to be gay because I rejected them.
You find what you love. Now at 26, I still have short hair, play rugby, have a Masters degree, wear makeup, and have a wonderful boyfriend who appreciates women who handle their own. I've struggled a lot with "traditional" modes of femininity before I realized there should be no "traditional" femininity. A girls gotta feel good!
Kudos to you and your daughter!
Well written.I have heard the same comments. Possible suggest get new friends
1
That a seven year old girl is being asked if she wants to be a boy only shows how sick our society has become.
20
I have a 6-month-old daughter. Given how young she is, I have no idea if she'll be a "tomboy" or super into princesses. It does bug me that people have already begun to call her "princess." I know they don't mean anything, and I don't correct them, but it has just struck me how early people start applying these stereotypes. My husband and I have already decided that we will make it clear to our girl that the only limitation on the toys she can play with, or the games she can play, is that we will not allow anything promoting violence. Other than that, who cares! We've already bought her clothes from the "boys" section (as well as cute dresses). :)
5
The term is generally one of admiration for precious royalty. If it really bothers you, simply ask them to start calling her Duke, instead.
2
My Dad called me Lil Sister till the day he died. My brother is 8 years older than me. I miss that. They didn't have 'Big Brother, Little Sister' t-shirts back then.
1
Men's clothing is better-made - especially underwear - and is more comfortable. Short hair is easier to keep decently if you have ultra-fine hair and little money. Make-up is for appearance, not healthy skin. A brain is for thinking, not for hiding under a bushel. Why can't we let our children decide for themselves who they are, and who they want to be? Guidance, not governance.
7
Jean! My long lost twin sister! Ultra thin hair. Just towel dry inch long hair, then add men's gel on top, spike it. If you want a little glamour get some ultra fine craft glitter (I usually use iridescent). Put some in your hand, sprinkle on gel. Washes out easily. Took a cruise last fall & had both men & women pointing me out (in my wheelchair, with the purple glittered spokes) saying, oh, so glamorous, glitter! Set me up for at least a year. Even the ship's show staff stopped me and asked how I did it. So, the old lady can still have it, even if things aren't perfect. Wheelchair, short hair, no teeth (bad jaw, now with no teeth it doesn't hurt), & they thought I was glamorous. (Happy dance!)
1
Many comments to this article go like this: when I was a girl I wore pants & didn't want to wear make up & liked active games. So I was a "tomboy." This isn't rejecting being female, it's rejecting being a prisoner. Binding clothing & high heels aren't feminine, they are limits. What so many women--and the young girl in the article--are rejecting is being told they should wear clothes that restrict their ability to run, should paint their face and bleach their hair, should giggle and be demure. None of that is feminine. It's subjugation.
High heels are just another form of Chinese foot binding: you are hobbled, it's harder to run away. Tight clothes are just another variation on corsets: corsets didn't make women look feminine, they just meant women could't breathe & if their heart rate increased, they would faint. Again, harder to run away, easier to control and label as the "weaker sex."
When I was a girl, I was considered unfeminine because I was tall, deep voiced, read books & didn't pretend the boys were smarter in class. It didn't mean I wanted gender reassignment surgery--I just wanted freedom. I didn't want to be told constantly that there was something wrong with me & it needed to be fixed: nose job, breast implants, false eyelashes. Why wouldn't a female rebel against these cultural messages? As a young woman I traveled alone & was harassed by men everywhere I went. I wished I was a boy, so I would be allowed outside & wouldn't be told I was "asking for it."
High heels are just another form of Chinese foot binding: you are hobbled, it's harder to run away. Tight clothes are just another variation on corsets: corsets didn't make women look feminine, they just meant women could't breathe & if their heart rate increased, they would faint. Again, harder to run away, easier to control and label as the "weaker sex."
When I was a girl, I was considered unfeminine because I was tall, deep voiced, read books & didn't pretend the boys were smarter in class. It didn't mean I wanted gender reassignment surgery--I just wanted freedom. I didn't want to be told constantly that there was something wrong with me & it needed to be fixed: nose job, breast implants, false eyelashes. Why wouldn't a female rebel against these cultural messages? As a young woman I traveled alone & was harassed by men everywhere I went. I wished I was a boy, so I would be allowed outside & wouldn't be told I was "asking for it."
21
While I agree with your main point, I don't understand the view that traditionally "feminine" clothing is subjugation. I wear what I wear because I like the look, not because I've been somehow coerced into doing so. Elevating "tomboyish" behavior and sneering at "girly girl" behavior is entirely counterproductive.
3
When I became a teenager, my father taught me where a knee should be applied if some male told me I was asking for it. It works, though I prefer a hard soled shoe swung as hard as I can at the same place. Shoe works on the nose too. I can't wear, & never liked, heels anyway, but, in really desperate situations a heel applied to an eye, hard, can save a life. Yours. Maiming a man to save your life is NOT being selfish. As I was once told....by a man of course.
1
Man comes after you, you in a tight dress &/or high heels try to run. He could catch you walking, be honest. First a tight dress isn't appropriate anywhere but out on a date. It advertises something that obviously you are not willing to give. Same with stiletto heels, though they are good weapons. Any woman who works in a major city & is ever alone at night out in that city has to think this way, no one will save you, not anymore. No beat cops, cops in cars can't hear you screaming. Others out are more apt to run the other way if they hear you. Both women & men. Somewhere in the last 30 years it's become every person for themselves. So, either dress like a slob when out, or be ready to protect yourself. It just happens to be where former tomboys excel. I decided long ago, if in serious trouble I will kill to protect myself. In any manner necessary. I will worry about the law later if need be. I may be in jail, but, I won't be dead.
2
I'm happily married straight woman & a mother of 2 & am 42 & still a tomboy. I have no idea about make up, I hate shopping & the thought of spending the day at a spa fills me with dread. I love football, both NFL & soccer, I'd watch sports all day if I could. I live in jeans or sweats & tshirts & my shoe collection consists of trainers & Chucks & I wouldn't change a thing!
Well done for not only accepting your daughter as she is but for being proud of her & encouraging her.
Well done for not only accepting your daughter as she is but for being proud of her & encouraging her.
7
Well I'm sorry you feel you have to defend your daughter.
She sounds like many of the classmates I went to school with over six decades ago.
We just called them classmates.
She sounds like many of the classmates I went to school with over six decades ago.
We just called them classmates.
5
Here's my confusion: the author was DELIGHTED that her daughter had rejected princess stuff, but then she wants to send the message that her daughter "shouldn't give in to pressure to be and look a certain way." I think whether you are criticizing girly-ness or tomboy-ness you are still imposing your opinion on a kid.
1
My 8 year old nephew saw me putting on mascara and asked "What is that?"
When I told him it made your eyelashes darker and longer - he said "Wow, it does! Why can't guys know about cool things like that?" I had no answer....
When I told him it made your eyelashes darker and longer - he said "Wow, it does! Why can't guys know about cool things like that?" I had no answer....
6
Because nature seems so good at giving males long full eyelashes & women short sparse ones.
1
What is it about the human condition that makes putting a label on everyone so important? And why can't we evolve past it?
2
The curse of duality in the modern world.
I feel for the writer. This silly confused world we are now forced live in in the United States is causing everyone to doubt everything even a kid's sex! I grew up with tomboys. They were my best friends and went on to become lovely accomplished women. Nobody would ever think to question if they were a boy trapped in a girls body (please!)
What's next? a set of rules protecting the rights of people who are convinced they are reincarnated Badgers? Come on people, only in this country.
What's next? a set of rules protecting the rights of people who are convinced they are reincarnated Badgers? Come on people, only in this country.
14
Scared of others are we? People have differences. It's ok to think, thank God that is not me, I couldn't handle it. Not ok to say it doesn't exist because it makes you nervous. Spiders make me nervous, but, I haven't decided they don't exist. Trans is a very easily believable difference. I doubt any trans would say they are happier because they are trans, instead of like the majority. Same with anything else that is a difference. I'm in a wheelchair. I don't prefer it. Other than, before I got one, I used to lust over baby strollers, cause walking hurt, it tired me out a lot. I wished I was in a stroller. Now I meet kids in strollers eye to eye, & say hi! But then I am secure in who I am. I can accept others differences for that reason. Doesn't matter what the difference is, no 2 people are 100% exactly the same, even identical twins 24 hours after birth (different life experiences). I've found those that hate difference, deny it exists or sometimes that it should be allowed to exist, usually have confidence problems of their own.
When people call my sweatpant-wearing, ponytail only, play with the boys at recess daughter a tomboy, I correct them and explain "No, not a tomboy. She is a badass." Which she is. And happy. And probably the coolest person I know.
8
If a boy is rough and rambunctious he is called violent, and it is a negative character trait. But when your daughter is rough and rambunctious it is called cool, and it is a positive character trait. What happens when she runs into someone in third grade who is a bigger badass than she is? What if his name is Johnny and he beats her up at recess?
Hopefully, having confidence she will give as good as she gets. In my day, if that happened all you had to do is call attention to it & 'Johnny' would be ostracized for life for 'picking on a little girl'. Now, the girl can kick butt. Hopefully someone has told her it's not the butt she should kick, but, someplace forward of there. It's called street fighting, & no one ever said she had to be 'fair'.
I'm a tomboy who grew up to be a lesbian and can't wait until I retire in another 10 years or so, so that I can dress the way I really want rather than conform to what society says I should dress like. In fact, most of the time, I actually DO dress the way I want to.
I remember feeling so powerful wearing a pair of men's-styled chinos. And I look back at my pictures of when I was younger, wearing vests. I have thought how easier it would be if I was a man but I am not trans.
And this girl probably isn't either. She just likes a certain look. She's SEVEN. Thank goodness she has a strong Mom in her corner.
I remember feeling so powerful wearing a pair of men's-styled chinos. And I look back at my pictures of when I was younger, wearing vests. I have thought how easier it would be if I was a man but I am not trans.
And this girl probably isn't either. She just likes a certain look. She's SEVEN. Thank goodness she has a strong Mom in her corner.
9
Thanks for an excellent piece. Cherish your daughter, she sounds wonderful.
Our society tries to embrace everyone's differences but in the process loves to categorize and label to their detriment. It is just another form of stereotyping. A boy plays with dolls? Must be gay. A girl does fit the mold? Must be transgender. A child is antsy in school? Must have ADHD. On and on it goes.
People are just people, all different, all unique. Kids are just kids and do not understand nor care about gender stereotypes until they are taught them by adults, either consciously or unconsciously. My wife was a tomboy and could not be more of a woman with qualities and interests that make her even more fascinating.
When our son was little, we would watch with our friends when their daughter and our son (best of friends) would start taking on gender roles even though we never consciously encouraged it and actively discouraged the separation. It was amazing how kids, wanting to be accepted and social pressure influenced them.
Value the uniqueness and individuality. The fascinating people you meet and drawn to likely are those that deviate in some manner from the "norm".
Our society tries to embrace everyone's differences but in the process loves to categorize and label to their detriment. It is just another form of stereotyping. A boy plays with dolls? Must be gay. A girl does fit the mold? Must be transgender. A child is antsy in school? Must have ADHD. On and on it goes.
People are just people, all different, all unique. Kids are just kids and do not understand nor care about gender stereotypes until they are taught them by adults, either consciously or unconsciously. My wife was a tomboy and could not be more of a woman with qualities and interests that make her even more fascinating.
When our son was little, we would watch with our friends when their daughter and our son (best of friends) would start taking on gender roles even though we never consciously encouraged it and actively discouraged the separation. It was amazing how kids, wanting to be accepted and social pressure influenced them.
Value the uniqueness and individuality. The fascinating people you meet and drawn to likely are those that deviate in some manner from the "norm".
12
"She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams, why women earn less and why they don’t run our country."
Because men and women are different and on average men are stronger to the point high school boys routinely beat professional women - none of this is news
Becuase fewer women work than men, and those women work fewer hours than men. Yet we still insist on comparing all the money women make vs all the money men make so of course the numbers will look off. Roughly 10 million more men than women work, and on average those men work more than 10 hours a week more than women. That is LITERALLY hundreds of million more hours worked by men.
However when comparing for time worked in addition to money earned women in fact earn nearly 20% MORE than men - again not news.
Why dont women run this country. Well first off your premise here is flawed. You need to stop thinking of, and teaching your daughter that, politicians are leaders.
NOW HEAR THIS, POLITICIANS ARE SERVANTS.
As to why there arent more women in office? Great question. After all women outnumber men, more women register to vote than men, women live longer than men, more women vote than men, and women are more likely to vote in blocks than men based on socioeconomic factors.
Want to know something? Men are more likely to vote for female candidates than women.
So why arent their more female politicians? That a question women need to answer, and a situation you all need to stop blaming men for.
Because men and women are different and on average men are stronger to the point high school boys routinely beat professional women - none of this is news
Becuase fewer women work than men, and those women work fewer hours than men. Yet we still insist on comparing all the money women make vs all the money men make so of course the numbers will look off. Roughly 10 million more men than women work, and on average those men work more than 10 hours a week more than women. That is LITERALLY hundreds of million more hours worked by men.
However when comparing for time worked in addition to money earned women in fact earn nearly 20% MORE than men - again not news.
Why dont women run this country. Well first off your premise here is flawed. You need to stop thinking of, and teaching your daughter that, politicians are leaders.
NOW HEAR THIS, POLITICIANS ARE SERVANTS.
As to why there arent more women in office? Great question. After all women outnumber men, more women register to vote than men, women live longer than men, more women vote than men, and women are more likely to vote in blocks than men based on socioeconomic factors.
Want to know something? Men are more likely to vote for female candidates than women.
So why arent their more female politicians? That a question women need to answer, and a situation you all need to stop blaming men for.
7
The fact that men have dominated women for all of time and women haven't even had equal rights for more than 50 years has nothing to do with it eh? The fact that male supremacy leads around the world has no bearing on inequality? Men and women are not "just different" because of our brains is because we are raised to fit gender roles. Which is the whole point of this article that gender roles are just that. Roles. Not biology. Your viewpoints are simply sexism.
2
There is no sexism in the OP comments.
The sexism is in yours, J.
The sexism is in yours, J.
1
Nope JT. The sexism is in your mind. It is there because of testosterone poisoning. Sad to say, all men are so poisoned, many though manage to recover, you sorry to say haven't.
1
Has nobody heard of St. Joan of Arc? The life of St. Joan of Arc was over long before the term "tomboy" came into being or surged into popular use. Yet she embodied everything a "tomboy" is.
Half a century ago, in Catholic School, we were taught to be good girls by emulating the Saints. Those women saints weren't passive, docile creatures who concerned themselves with enhancing their own physical beauty. They were quite the opposite, time and time again. Fearless, bold, hard working and defiant when necessary. Tomboy is fine, if you like the term. I prefer saints-in-training.
Half a century ago, in Catholic School, we were taught to be good girls by emulating the Saints. Those women saints weren't passive, docile creatures who concerned themselves with enhancing their own physical beauty. They were quite the opposite, time and time again. Fearless, bold, hard working and defiant when necessary. Tomboy is fine, if you like the term. I prefer saints-in-training.
11
Letting some idiot kill you as so many of the women saints did, according to the stories, because death was preferable to losing your virginity - not my preferred role model.
1
That is why I advocate teaching all girls where to plant a knee, or a screw driver, or a knitting needle when a nasty man comes calling, in public or private. If you are really short the knitting needle is the best cause it's the longest.
2
I'm really bothered by the idea that adults are essentially forcing their own notions of sexual identity on a child who isn't struggling with gender identity at all from what it sounds like. Why is this? Why do so many adults, perhaps determined to be liberal and open-minded, foist these concepts on children?
As a girl I collected baseball cards, played ball, loved my chemistry set and my brother's electric trains. I built tinker toy and Lincoln log structures, read Hardy Boy and Tom Swift books and had male friends. I wasn't and haven't struggled with gender issues or identity. I had no problem with being a girl and no desire to be a boy. I'm so thankful that I'm older and adults would never have thought to ask me if I wanted to be a boy back then.
As a girl I collected baseball cards, played ball, loved my chemistry set and my brother's electric trains. I built tinker toy and Lincoln log structures, read Hardy Boy and Tom Swift books and had male friends. I wasn't and haven't struggled with gender issues or identity. I had no problem with being a girl and no desire to be a boy. I'm so thankful that I'm older and adults would never have thought to ask me if I wanted to be a boy back then.
21
I think gender stereotyping has gotten worse since prenatal ultrasounds revealing gender have become ubiquitous. When expecting my two older sons in the '80s we chose "neutral" yellows and greens for the nursery and baby clothes. Now parents have to know as soon as possible if they are having a boy or girl so they can have all gender "appropriate" pink or blue items from day one. I wonder how this is affecting kids' perceptions of gender roles from the very beginning.
9
"She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams, why women earn less and why they don’t run our country."
1) Sports teams are segregated on the basis of gender as the average man is physically fitter than the average woman. Therefore in order to give women a fairer chance of winning teams are segregated on the basis of gender. See recent cases of transgender girls (ie born male) are entering female sports and defeating the girls with very large winning margins.
2) The Wage Gap does not exist. If it did business would only hire females. The discrepancy comes from not accounting for difference approaches to work between the average male and female. The average female cares more about work/life balance then men, women will often choose to specialize in areas that pay less, women take more time of work (even after you account for maternity leave.
3) Women do not run the country because not enough women run and win political office like men do.
1) Sports teams are segregated on the basis of gender as the average man is physically fitter than the average woman. Therefore in order to give women a fairer chance of winning teams are segregated on the basis of gender. See recent cases of transgender girls (ie born male) are entering female sports and defeating the girls with very large winning margins.
2) The Wage Gap does not exist. If it did business would only hire females. The discrepancy comes from not accounting for difference approaches to work between the average male and female. The average female cares more about work/life balance then men, women will often choose to specialize in areas that pay less, women take more time of work (even after you account for maternity leave.
3) Women do not run the country because not enough women run and win political office like men do.
4
"Men are on average physically fitter" ??
I believe you mean in general have greater upper body strength.
You make quite antiquated presumptions regarding the "wage gap."
I was fortunate to live in Europe where my husband received paid paternity leave. We both received far more paid holiday (vacation) as well.
I believe males desire as much work life balance as females. It's the grinding "Puritanical" work "ethic" that precludes either gender from pursuing a personal definition of work life balance in the US.
I believe you mean in general have greater upper body strength.
You make quite antiquated presumptions regarding the "wage gap."
I was fortunate to live in Europe where my husband received paid paternity leave. We both received far more paid holiday (vacation) as well.
I believe males desire as much work life balance as females. It's the grinding "Puritanical" work "ethic" that precludes either gender from pursuing a personal definition of work life balance in the US.
4
"Sports teams are segregated on the basis of gender as the average man is physically fitter than the average woman."
That, and the fact that men don't have to devote time to pregnancy and child bearing, is one of the main reasons men are generally paid more than women, even in occupations that don't require physical strength.
That, and the fact that men don't have to devote time to pregnancy and child bearing, is one of the main reasons men are generally paid more than women, even in occupations that don't require physical strength.
No, the OP comments on the wage gap are correct.
kathy, you are being sexist.
kathy, you are being sexist.
1
I hope Ms. Davis is reading the comments! For some reason, humans like to classify people as though they belonged in a file folder. I tell people to get over trying to classify others by gender, race or anything else. Think of them as people and just accept them as they are, period. I am a 60-year old woman who has raised 7 children (not all mine), I have been married to a guy for 35 years. I have favored men's clothing for as long as I can remember - as a teenager I raided my father's closet at least as often as my mother's. I like men's shoes and wish they came in sizes that fit me. I'm tired of squeezing my feet into tiny uncomfortable shoes, and my torso into princess-seamed shirts, and wish shorts worked better on my stout but athletic body. I have friends who cross every spectrum you can think of. And I have a friend, whose daughter I have known since she was born, now has a son. I won't pretend this was an easy thing to wrap my head around. But I have since learned to simply accept and enjoy people as and who they are.
5
Maybe its time to get gender neutral pronouns in the English language so people like this won't have to ask these questions and can mind their own business.
5
8 years of progressive social agenda and this is what we get. a society that, despite what they claim, wants to put a label on everyone. "oh are you a boy or a girl, do you want to be a boy or a girl. and now, even trying to be sensitive to orientation or preference, which is what was pushed for all these past years, the act of expressing that sensitivity is still not pc. laughable. make up your minds and call the kid what he/she is. a kid.
7
I see the language police are on the beat.
4
Yes of course there will always be masculine women along with feminine men who are not trans. There are outliers in every population. However, some differences between men and women actually are biological rather than sociological. One study found that vervet monkeys have the same gendered toy preferences as human children. The male monkeys liked balls and cars better and the female monkeys liked dolls and pots better. "Sex differences in response to children's toys in nonhuman primates (Cercopithecus aethiops sabaeus)" by Gerianne M Alexander and Melissa Hines. http://www.ehbonline.org/article/S1090-5138(02)00107-1/abstract.
One study on monkeys does not validate human gender behavior. You just admitted there are outliers. That disproves your theory.
3
I have a strong feeling that our perceptions have been molded for long by media outlets like the TV and cinema and of course parents. -Remember the saying "girls cannot do that" and "boys are boys" !
So we in USA now think to propose a girl I need to buy a huge solitaire or feel sad.
My life experiences show girls would feel better if her fiance has a good job and she does not have to support the marriage with "money"!
Similarly when a child is born we have only pink or blue for dress options.
Its only in USA I have seen guys really feel weird wearing a pink shirt.
The story goes on and on,.
All we need to do is shut the TV our from our lives - seriously. I only watch weather news and some local sale event ads! we are just good.
So we in USA now think to propose a girl I need to buy a huge solitaire or feel sad.
My life experiences show girls would feel better if her fiance has a good job and she does not have to support the marriage with "money"!
Similarly when a child is born we have only pink or blue for dress options.
Its only in USA I have seen guys really feel weird wearing a pink shirt.
The story goes on and on,.
All we need to do is shut the TV our from our lives - seriously. I only watch weather news and some local sale event ads! we are just good.
7
"She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams..."
She will if she ever tries to compete athletically with males.
She will if she ever tries to compete athletically with males.
1
It sounds like your daughter needs, and is not getting, something that trans people also need.
Namely: When someone tells you their gender identity *believe them*. The first time. And try to remember so you don't feel the need to ask next time.
To me, it sounds like your daughter is gender non-conforming, since my definition of that includes rejecting culturally dominant concepts of gender presentation, including clothing choice. But what it sounds like to me doesn't matter. She says she's a girl? Then she bloody well is a girl. Full stop.
Namely: When someone tells you their gender identity *believe them*. The first time. And try to remember so you don't feel the need to ask next time.
To me, it sounds like your daughter is gender non-conforming, since my definition of that includes rejecting culturally dominant concepts of gender presentation, including clothing choice. But what it sounds like to me doesn't matter. She says she's a girl? Then she bloody well is a girl. Full stop.
It makes me angry that the toy store is so blatantly sexist. All the interesting stuff is in the "boy" aisles. I loved Lincoln Logs. My daughters loved Legos. My grandsons play with My Little Ponies and the Barbie horse and car. Toys should not be classified by gender. And not all girls like pink.
12
Great piece. One issue that will likely happen soon is when schools that require separate uniforms for "boys and girls" have to rethink their operation.
4
Concerning onlookers and controllers, it's not their life. Why ask?
3
I was heartbroken when at 11, I couldn't run around with my shirt off anymore. I wanted to be a boy, but had no gender misidentification. At 40, I still want to be a boy, but for all the wrong reasons: equal pay, preferential treatment, and little fear of sexual harassment and assault.
16
And for being able to easily pee when hiking, on a boat or anywhere.
4
The peeing in the woods thing - not all that difficult. Lean your back against a tree with your legs slightly bent and pee standing up. We're much less vulnerable and exposed in this position - and dryer.
1
This piece is way overdue. How ironic that a typical kid's identity is questioned by relative strangers because there is a very, very small minority of transgender people who have received an out sized amount of publicity. For those who feel they have somehow been born into the wrong gender and wish to go their own way, go for it. But an inordinate fascination of the transgender subject by the media has hijacked the mainstream. Let kids be kids. There is no need for non family people to ask a child about their identity. In fact, they should butt out.
Your daughter is a GIRL. Why are you calling her a "Tomboy"?
There are girls who like short hair and like wearing jeans and t-shirts.
And there are girls who feel as if they are boys who happen to have female bodies.
Perhaps if you stopped referring to your daughter as a "tomboy", when people ask her if she is transgender, she will just answer "No, I am a girl, and this is what girls look like, too."
There are girls who like short hair and like wearing jeans and t-shirts.
And there are girls who feel as if they are boys who happen to have female bodies.
Perhaps if you stopped referring to your daughter as a "tomboy", when people ask her if she is transgender, she will just answer "No, I am a girl, and this is what girls look like, too."
I don't envy the heavy crosses that progressives must bear in all aspects of their lives. Their burdens would exhaust normal people.
9
Boy, have we gone too far with this transgender idea. There were tomboys when I was a kid, a very long time ago, and no one thought they were boys in hiding. What bothers me the most is giving hormones to young kids because they think they are in the wrong body. Who knows anything at that age? Let this girl be who she is. She may actually grow out of it at puberty.
24
I think its great that the author is letting her daughter choose her own path but why does she have to be called a tomboy? Why can't she just be a girl with different interests? Being girly is always equated to weakness and silliness, while manly is strong and serious. Why does speaking up in class make you strange as a girl? Do you lose points if you like science but you also love doing your nails? Why are we so eager to label everything and why are stereotypical masculine characteristics like assertiveness deemed so?
6
Finally someone willing to stand up to this nonsense of gender fluidity. Anyone who has read anything about gender disphoria should know that it is foolish and irresponsible to put kids through the horror of medical gender change based on the propaganda of an incessant media campaign. Leave your children alone and just be loving and supportive parents.
24
A new acquaintance of mine has multiple children and this past Winter I met one of the children at first surprised not knowing my new friend had a transgendered boy. The child sensed my confusion as I stared at him, he at me, then clearly and plainly spoke telling he was a boy. He acknowledged his facial features and long blond hair at this point in his life were perhaps closer in appearance to a girl but it did not bother him nor his friends. I now realize Thor the God of Thunder was a boy with long blond at one point in his life too.
2
Transgenderism in children is really, really quite rare. Let's stop pretending every kid that has a unconventional character or expression is headed for the GLBT.
24
It really only matters what's in the kid's heart. If it's good, who cares how the kid dresses or what the kid does for fun? It's not that complicated.
2
Talk about the buried lede! Your authoress will in years to come write a triumphant piece about how she know this was going to happen, and that she had done her work as a parent by researching "puberty blockers" when her dau- sorry, her son was only seven years of age. Then we'll have a deadname and a photoshoot and Ms. Selin Davis will be lauded in these pages for her progressivism.
How supportive!
How supportive!
6
Why do we have such a problem with people who have decided to color outside of the lines?
In my day, girls who liked to wear pants, study math, play sports, and read books were considered "unfeminine". Nowadays, they are asked if they would rather be boys! This is progress?????????
33
Exactly my thought. increasing transgender awareness and acceptance is great for transgender folk, but does nothing for gender equity.
11
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. And as for my own experience, I expect my nom de plume says it all.
The bathroom incident is a good example of how enforcing entry into bathrooms isn't just a niche issue, but one for all of us. We've seen it before since trans people started getting targeted for using their correct bathroom: this extends to enforcing gender roles and presentation.
Anyone who lacks the empathy to care about trans bathroom laws on their own should take heed: in the Republican ideal world, this girl and others like her who present in a "masculine" way will risk harassment and demands for identification (God-forbid they didn't bring some with them to pee) every time they want to go to the bathroom.
And all the while those same Republicans will be holding them up as the exact people who's privacy and safety are being somehow protected by such laws!
Anyone who lacks the empathy to care about trans bathroom laws on their own should take heed: in the Republican ideal world, this girl and others like her who present in a "masculine" way will risk harassment and demands for identification (God-forbid they didn't bring some with them to pee) every time they want to go to the bathroom.
And all the while those same Republicans will be holding them up as the exact people who's privacy and safety are being somehow protected by such laws!
1
She's a girl. Yes, Mom, I agree: Let her be.
5
Yeah, that must be really annoying... My three year old boy loved pink, and the my ex-wife who's quite "progressive" started buying him dresses. He moved past that stage in a few weeks, but not before she let him wear one to school. What children need is to understand how the adult world works, clear instruction, so they can be conscious of how they are perceived. Sounds like the author's daughter knows exactly how she's being perceived, and just doesn't want to be super girly... Do boys want to be super boy-y? Not always. That doesn't make us gay, or women, or whatever... Yeah, quit being so progressive and labeling everyone to prove how enlightened you are... Let kids move through their stages and preferences and leave them alone until they are old enough to assert their own preferences, and then leave them alone some more so they can change again. All they need is simple information, NOT LABELS.
I had to laugh when I read this! I to was a Tomboy all thru school and college. Today at 57 years old, I sell construction equipment, and never wore makeup, HATE wearing dresses....Not a transgender or lesbian - just FYI!
Actually, I get it. All of it. I just don't care.
2
Boy am I stupid. I thought 7 year olds should be children, not ping pong balls in some ridiculous 'adult' PC idiocy about sexual identity.
17
If you read many comments, you'll see the labeling isn't new.
1
Remember when we were told not to label people? It doesn't matter what you think about your daughter. It matters what the system thinks. Tom boys have been around a long time and mostly found universal acceptence. That changed. Not long ago it was important to define the Charlie Brown character Peppermint Patty as a Lesbian. Now she's transgender?
As schools, doctors, and corporations become more imprecise about defining people and gather more meaningless statistics intellectuals forget what's acceptable today might be violently rejected tommorow. Remember when we were told not to label people.
As schools, doctors, and corporations become more imprecise about defining people and gather more meaningless statistics intellectuals forget what's acceptable today might be violently rejected tommorow. Remember when we were told not to label people.
4
In all this discussion of transgender, we have forgotten transvestites, especially heterosexual ones. Lucky you have a girl, because all of us recognize tomboys and women who just want to wear slacks and comfortable flat shoes. But try telling some one your little boy who wants to wear dresses is not gay? That's almost impossible to get someone to believe. Even in Amazon's Transparent series, the heterosexual transvestites were dissed.
5
It is always good to hear about an American girl that escapes the Disney Princess Pandemic.
4
Only in a very sick society would anyone earnestly ask a little girl if she really wants to be a boy, let alone think about puberty delaying treatment. We will look back on this movement with the same shame with which we now look back on the recovered memories movement and satanic cult frauds that swept the country and ruined countless lives. We have become a nation of sheep, eager to embrace any politically trendy fad pushed by fringe voices. This is child abuse. Millions of kids are being psychologically damaged, and not a few physically or endocrinologically mutilated, by parents eager to jump on this latest bandwagon. Shameful and disgusting.
31
I totally agree. I am aghast at the medical ethics - or lack of them - in the treatment of supposedly transgender children and young people. Puberty blockers are not harmless: the dangers of preventing the brain and emotional development that accompany puberty are significant. Google "Lupron" to see just how dangerous it is. And cross sex hormones on girls can cause irreversible effects - body hair, male pattern baldness, broken voice - after only a few years.
And yet treatment isn't even necessary: research has shown that, if parents and doctors take a wait and see approach, 80% of gender variant kids will grow out of it. Medical treatment creates its own momentum: once started on puberty blockers nearly all of them will continue to hormones and surgery. I don't deny there may be a few acutely gender dysphoric kids who benefit from transition. For the rest, leaving them to grow out of it or, if necessary, engaging in talking therapy is far wiser.
Gender identity is the fashion, even for young teens, and there's a strong element of social contagion. So long as it's confined to labels, clothing and pronouns it's no more dangerous than the teen trends that preceded it. But doctors in the field are reckless and irresponsible. Your comparison with satanic abuse and false memory is well made.
And yet treatment isn't even necessary: research has shown that, if parents and doctors take a wait and see approach, 80% of gender variant kids will grow out of it. Medical treatment creates its own momentum: once started on puberty blockers nearly all of them will continue to hormones and surgery. I don't deny there may be a few acutely gender dysphoric kids who benefit from transition. For the rest, leaving them to grow out of it or, if necessary, engaging in talking therapy is far wiser.
Gender identity is the fashion, even for young teens, and there's a strong element of social contagion. So long as it's confined to labels, clothing and pronouns it's no more dangerous than the teen trends that preceded it. But doctors in the field are reckless and irresponsible. Your comparison with satanic abuse and false memory is well made.
14
Echoed, Sophie.
My low self-esteem, developmentally delayed child with diabetes and a psychotic mood disorder fell into a community where he felt accepted - the queer community - and declared himself transgender.
Without skipping a beat, the endocrinologist we (used to) see at a large west-coast children's hospital for the diabetes began asking at every visit whether my kid wanted puberty blockers, and later, hormones.
She did not note the medications for the mental disorder, or the diagnosis of developmental delay, or touch bases with the mental health providers, or even ask my kid as to whether he was exploring his gender feelings in therapy (which he was attending twice a week for CBT related to the mood disorder.)
Thankfully I was able to get the other set of parents to decline because it might throw the other medical issues off-balance.
However, there were also other adults who went straight for the affirmation route, and declined to dig deeper. When he moved in with us, we found out he was quite aroused by wearing women's underwear, he was participating in transgender sex role-playing online in Furry and Brony fansites, and obsessively watching Futanari anime.
I eliminated access to that and provided a healthy dose of feminism and what it's actually like to be a woman (dashing illusions such as "girls don't get horny" and "women need men to take care of them.") Five years later, he has realized that he can dress however he wants, but that he is really a male.
My low self-esteem, developmentally delayed child with diabetes and a psychotic mood disorder fell into a community where he felt accepted - the queer community - and declared himself transgender.
Without skipping a beat, the endocrinologist we (used to) see at a large west-coast children's hospital for the diabetes began asking at every visit whether my kid wanted puberty blockers, and later, hormones.
She did not note the medications for the mental disorder, or the diagnosis of developmental delay, or touch bases with the mental health providers, or even ask my kid as to whether he was exploring his gender feelings in therapy (which he was attending twice a week for CBT related to the mood disorder.)
Thankfully I was able to get the other set of parents to decline because it might throw the other medical issues off-balance.
However, there were also other adults who went straight for the affirmation route, and declined to dig deeper. When he moved in with us, we found out he was quite aroused by wearing women's underwear, he was participating in transgender sex role-playing online in Furry and Brony fansites, and obsessively watching Futanari anime.
I eliminated access to that and provided a healthy dose of feminism and what it's actually like to be a woman (dashing illusions such as "girls don't get horny" and "women need men to take care of them.") Five years later, he has realized that he can dress however he wants, but that he is really a male.
4
Amen.
And boys can be sissies without changing or worrying about their body parts.
A good start we would be to stop putting gender on birth certificates.
And boys can be sissies without changing or worrying about their body parts.
A good start we would be to stop putting gender on birth certificates.
1
Finally somebody writes about this! Brava! Will all us legions of Tomboys please stand up! And I gotta wonder just how many innocent kids will think they're trans because of these misguided, or miserable, unprofessional adults! Makes the skin crawl to contemplate! Again, Brava to the author, cheers and big hugs to her daughter. NYT should keep this piece on the web a loooong time!
9
Go girl! Go mom!
2
Maybe she's just gay. Or maybe not. But in all our focus on transgenderism we seem to have forgotten about the millions of people who are just fine with their gender. They just happen to be attracted to their same sex.
Seems so old-fashioned now to just simply be gay.
Seems so old-fashioned now to just simply be gay.
2
What is it that Children get, that their Parents and other so0called Adults don't. Are they trying to find an excuse, just because Tommy can not run as fast as his classmate, or playmate, who just happens to be a girl? Or that Mia or Raj get better grades in school, since they are Asian--but, without wondering if maybe Mia's or Raj's family admires eduction, either as much as, or equally as, athletics.
My grandson is on the small side; howe, he is progressing--growing--nicely. His classmates--age 4--don't seem to mind, or care, but Adults raise the issue often. Little kids hear, and wonder about, such things. But, he's well-grounded, and doesn't seem to think about it-- except when stupid--how about ignorant--Adults raise the issue.
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
My grandson is on the small side; howe, he is progressing--growing--nicely. His classmates--age 4--don't seem to mind, or care, but Adults raise the issue often. Little kids hear, and wonder about, such things. But, he's well-grounded, and doesn't seem to think about it-- except when stupid--how about ignorant--Adults raise the issue.
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
In the 50s, most girls wore pants and shorts most of the time. Most girls then did not wear pink ruffles on a daily basis.
Someone I know seems really disappointed that his daughter seems to be attracted to boys sexually but not girls. It seems that this man has issues about how well he fits into society, or doesn't, and he wants his daughter to be gay or trans to justify his non conformance. She's had problems getting her homework done and got some low grades and it seems he wants to excuse that by having her turn out gay or trans. This girl is practically drooling over the really cute boy next door while her father is saying she is probably gay.
Someone I know seems really disappointed that his daughter seems to be attracted to boys sexually but not girls. It seems that this man has issues about how well he fits into society, or doesn't, and he wants his daughter to be gay or trans to justify his non conformance. She's had problems getting her homework done and got some low grades and it seems he wants to excuse that by having her turn out gay or trans. This girl is practically drooling over the really cute boy next door while her father is saying she is probably gay.
4
What '50s are you remembering where we all wore pants? In New York City we had to wear skirts or dresses to school. Even during snow storms.
1
I say ditto for boys that are considered effeminate and yet are comfortable with themselves.
3
There are always suspicions, usually unspoken, that a "tomboy" is a young, not fully developed lesbian. Although it may have become socially acceptable in recent times, only a few decades ago, being a tomboy was deemed to be deviant or even degenerate.
5
Tomboy. It's just another label. What does it mean? A girl who likes the same things boys like? What do boys like? What do girls like? Why do we keep reinforcing these stereotypes with labels?
3
A colleague and I were discussing human sexuality this morning and it evolved into gender identity; then I came across your opinion.
I would like us all to be who we are and comfortable with it but I don't understand the (pardon me) rush or wish to change ones sex. If you cannot change your sexuality, how can you change your sex? What is it in our brain that tells us that we were born the incorrect sex.
I am aware that the mind plays tricks on us and we can get trapped in that dangerous neighborhood, but why?
Our discussion was based on my belief that bisexuality does not really exists. My observations are based on bisexual men I have met who ALWAYS seem to be living with, dating or married to a woman. I have yet however to meet a bisexual man who is living with, dating or married to a man. Why is that?
I would like us all to be who we are and comfortable with it but I don't understand the (pardon me) rush or wish to change ones sex. If you cannot change your sexuality, how can you change your sex? What is it in our brain that tells us that we were born the incorrect sex.
I am aware that the mind plays tricks on us and we can get trapped in that dangerous neighborhood, but why?
Our discussion was based on my belief that bisexuality does not really exists. My observations are based on bisexual men I have met who ALWAYS seem to be living with, dating or married to a woman. I have yet however to meet a bisexual man who is living with, dating or married to a man. Why is that?
3
It's far easier to find heterosexual partners than homosexual, just pragmatically and statistically
1
easy answer:
it's easier to be in an heterosexual relationship in this society than a homosexual one. if you have the choice, why act on your homosexual tendencies?
i'm bisexual (equally attracted sexuality to men and women, though romantically more attracted to women) and mostly have only had the courage to pursue "straight" relationships. i've avoided coming out to my father, stares at the grocery store, etc. i've also avoided being honest with myself about my sexuality, have felt that i've bowed to societal pressure, and believe i would be happier if i truly had the courage to date women (who romantically i'm more attracted to).
it's easier to be in an heterosexual relationship in this society than a homosexual one. if you have the choice, why act on your homosexual tendencies?
i'm bisexual (equally attracted sexuality to men and women, though romantically more attracted to women) and mostly have only had the courage to pursue "straight" relationships. i've avoided coming out to my father, stares at the grocery store, etc. i've also avoided being honest with myself about my sexuality, have felt that i've bowed to societal pressure, and believe i would be happier if i truly had the courage to date women (who romantically i'm more attracted to).
Maurelius -- I find fascinating that you believe bisexuality does not really exist because I know many people like you.
Respectfully, why do you care? If someone feels that he is bisexual, why not just let him identify as that? Why should he be defined by what you think any more than the little girl in this article should be defined by what her teachers think?
Scientific evidence supports the idea that orientation is actually a spectrum with few people absolutely at one end or the other regardless of how we behave. Animals display all sorts of bisexual behaviour. What is it about our current cultural identities that men (especially) find it comforting to believe our desires should pull us in one direction only?
Is that we have better odds of acceptance if identities are clearly delineated and there are no grey areas? It's those grey areas that are threatening. Heaven forbid -- if there were grey areas, we might even have to make choices! And that would be a whole different parade.
Respectfully, why do you care? If someone feels that he is bisexual, why not just let him identify as that? Why should he be defined by what you think any more than the little girl in this article should be defined by what her teachers think?
Scientific evidence supports the idea that orientation is actually a spectrum with few people absolutely at one end or the other regardless of how we behave. Animals display all sorts of bisexual behaviour. What is it about our current cultural identities that men (especially) find it comforting to believe our desires should pull us in one direction only?
Is that we have better odds of acceptance if identities are clearly delineated and there are no grey areas? It's those grey areas that are threatening. Heaven forbid -- if there were grey areas, we might even have to make choices! And that would be a whole different parade.
2
It's about time this discussion happened. I was a "tomboy" as a child and grew up to be a lesbian. I'm very happy with the kind of woman I am now. Back in the 1950's and early 1960's everyone tried to push me into becoming a "girly" girl and a heterosexual. At least they didn't give me electroshock "therapy," which happened to some of my peers. I shudder to think what would've happened if the transgender category had been available, and I'd been pushed into surgeries--which I consider a form of mutilation--and hormone therapies that could be carcinogenic.
11
YES YES YES. I'm "bisexual" and lean lesbian. I was a tomboy then and had grave misgivings about going through puberty.
I now love and accept my body, even if I don't adhere strictly to the gender standards enacted by our still-very-traditional-and-sexist society. I just got out of a toxic relationship with a man who pressured me to wear makeup and more feminine clothes, and is the father of my beautiful baby girl. I suffered bullying in school in the deep south for cross-dressing, and while that was intolerably difficult, and has perhaps had the result of making me pretend to be straighter than I actually am, at least I wasn't pressured into an irreversible surgery and toxic hormones.
II hope I can instill in my daughter the courage in her to truly be herself. Being a woman does not have to mean makeup, nails, docile, and domesticated! It is up to us to change that for the next generation of girls.
I now love and accept my body, even if I don't adhere strictly to the gender standards enacted by our still-very-traditional-and-sexist society. I just got out of a toxic relationship with a man who pressured me to wear makeup and more feminine clothes, and is the father of my beautiful baby girl. I suffered bullying in school in the deep south for cross-dressing, and while that was intolerably difficult, and has perhaps had the result of making me pretend to be straighter than I actually am, at least I wasn't pressured into an irreversible surgery and toxic hormones.
II hope I can instill in my daughter the courage in her to truly be herself. Being a woman does not have to mean makeup, nails, docile, and domesticated! It is up to us to change that for the next generation of girls.
1
People thought i was a boy way up until age 16 and now often think i am gay - they know one girl in the family is and they always think its me and are surprised its my sister who looks very feminine. I did not care what people thought and dressed however i liked. Some people care, others not. I still shop for suits at men's places because they simply fit beter and are much better quality than similar prices women's clothes. When I had bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer at age 29 and did not want reconstruction people again assumed i was gay or going trans. People ajust want people to look like them and fit in a mold. We have to forget about that: i much prefer people who are truly themselves, authentic and unique. Wanting to fit is not only a pain: its a loss for everyone as people lose their uniqueness ans particularities and often, too often, they lose themselves too... it takes courage to be oneself! Let us raise children who have both that strength and freedom!
5
Actually, I think Katherine Hepburn acted like a boy when she was young and asked to be called Jimmy. But I don't think anyone would mistake Katherine Hepburn for a boy.
I grew in the 60's. My father owned a film distributing company, so I was excited by the idea of working with audio-visual equipment (okay - maybe that is nerdy - but I didn't learn that until many years later). I asked to be put on the Audio-Visual Squad in 6th grade. Of course, only boys were allowed on the audio-visual squad - which, by the way, made it only more appealing to me - when they finally agreed. I competed in school for grades - like a boy - and got very little to no support from men or women teachers. I received very little support from men or women teachers. I played tennis well - but, of course, there were no women sports teams in junior high or high school in the 60s - Title IX was many years away. I was always a second rate citizen, so I know how you feel.
I was proud to be my own person and fortunately or unfortunately, my parent's encouraged this - perhaps because they had really wanted a boy.
I grew in the 60's. My father owned a film distributing company, so I was excited by the idea of working with audio-visual equipment (okay - maybe that is nerdy - but I didn't learn that until many years later). I asked to be put on the Audio-Visual Squad in 6th grade. Of course, only boys were allowed on the audio-visual squad - which, by the way, made it only more appealing to me - when they finally agreed. I competed in school for grades - like a boy - and got very little to no support from men or women teachers. I received very little support from men or women teachers. I played tennis well - but, of course, there were no women sports teams in junior high or high school in the 60s - Title IX was many years away. I was always a second rate citizen, so I know how you feel.
I was proud to be my own person and fortunately or unfortunately, my parent's encouraged this - perhaps because they had really wanted a boy.
5
I grew up a "Tomboy" who always wanted to get muddy, who played with trucks, and who played sports with boys because the girls weren't as good at football and baseball. I also occasionally played with dolls, and my favorite tv show was "I Dream of Jeanie". I was aware that many girls wanted to wear pink and stay inside playing house, but that was the last thing I wanted to do. Who would want to stay inside when there was a world to explore outside? I grew up being exactly how I wanted to be, and my parents let me. I support people who truly feel that they are a different sex than they were born and want to go through sex-reassignment surgery. At the same time, I wish that we could all just be whoever we are without some sort of prejudgment or need for categorization. Gender Identity, Gender Expression, Gay, Bi, Lesbian, Transgender, Trans, Cross-Dresser, Gender Dysphoria.... the list goes on and on. How people are in the world, and how they see themselves, has always been along a spectrum; it's society's reaction to people being outside that narrow definition of being a woman or a man (mostly negative in the modern world) that has created the turmoil, both internally and externally. I would hope that someday children can simply be who they feel they are along that wide spectrum, without judgement, and with the support of those around them.
6
Yes, I remember how frustrating it was to be a Girl Scout and not go camping while my Boy Scout brothers got to do camping trips. And to show up to play summer baseball and be sent inside to be with the girls who were making pin cushions out of scented soap! Ugh. And I didn't and don't have any gender issues; just a gal who would rather have been playing outdoors.
5
Gender stereotyping became a hot topic on my recent visit home to see my granddaughter, who's three. Apparently, my son and daughter-in-law were on a mission to make her into a Disney princess - partly, in order to counteract my influence, according to my son - and that was something about which I had a few things to say.
I've had issues with the concept of what a girl is, or should be, my whole life. I took auto shop instead of home ec, and I was never a cheerleader, but I played basketball, softball, and was on the track team for my school. I got a Computer Science degree at a time when there were only two other women in the program at my college, and worked in male-dominated jobs my entire adult life; often, I was the boss and only woman on the staff. I constantly fought against everyone from my parents and teachers to my husband and co-workers about how I should act, dress, and talk, and how, if I acted 'more like a lady,' my life would be easier. Yes, it has caused me some problems, both personally and professionally, but I have no regrets.
Kudos to parents like this who allow kids to follow their hearts and be themselves (and back them up) instead of forcing some agenda or stereotype on them one way or another. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when I wanted to put our son in ballet because he wanted to try it after watching his sister's class, or the funny looks I got when I was excited about my daughter's new job on a construction crew.
I've had issues with the concept of what a girl is, or should be, my whole life. I took auto shop instead of home ec, and I was never a cheerleader, but I played basketball, softball, and was on the track team for my school. I got a Computer Science degree at a time when there were only two other women in the program at my college, and worked in male-dominated jobs my entire adult life; often, I was the boss and only woman on the staff. I constantly fought against everyone from my parents and teachers to my husband and co-workers about how I should act, dress, and talk, and how, if I acted 'more like a lady,' my life would be easier. Yes, it has caused me some problems, both personally and professionally, but I have no regrets.
Kudos to parents like this who allow kids to follow their hearts and be themselves (and back them up) instead of forcing some agenda or stereotype on them one way or another. I'll never forget the look on my husband's face when I wanted to put our son in ballet because he wanted to try it after watching his sister's class, or the funny looks I got when I was excited about my daughter's new job on a construction crew.
8
I love this article. I also was a tomboy as a little girl. I grew up to be a gender non-conforming lesbian. I also know plenty of tomboys who grew up to be straight women. Maybe someday we'll be able to shrug off the label "tomboy" at the societal level and just let women express their individual interpretations of femaleness...
Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.
Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.
4
The story reminds me of own daughter... She was a classic tomboy...page boy haircut....fastest person in her class....great at sports....played on a boy's soccer team when she was 10 and we lived in Ireland for a couple of years. People accused her of being a boy in rec league soccer in suburban NY when she was seven, etc.
But no one who knew her ever doubted she was a girl.
She has grown up to be a wonderful woman and successful business person who along the way was a math major in college and striker and wing for a division 1 soccer team.
I think our society has gone crazy with all the gender/sex nonsense. People are who they are...No need to try to pigeonhole them.
But no one who knew her ever doubted she was a girl.
She has grown up to be a wonderful woman and successful business person who along the way was a math major in college and striker and wing for a division 1 soccer team.
I think our society has gone crazy with all the gender/sex nonsense. People are who they are...No need to try to pigeonhole them.
Undoubtedly, gender role stereotypes may confuse some kids who later decide they can't be comfortable with their birth sex. But, girls have far more leeway than boys; boys with some feminine traits are labeled sissies, and exactly what clothes can a "real" boy with feminine traits wear?
To add to the transgender identity dilemma is that transgender folks can be homosexual or heterosexual. That becomes complicated, and not just with bathroom or locker room issues.
It's still unfortunate to not feel at home with your physical, birth gender and to subject oneself to life long hormone, let alone surgical, treatments. When parents are happy to let their growing children change gender identity, are they pleased with the medications and side effects they are subjected to? Is there no room for something else?
To add to the transgender identity dilemma is that transgender folks can be homosexual or heterosexual. That becomes complicated, and not just with bathroom or locker room issues.
It's still unfortunate to not feel at home with your physical, birth gender and to subject oneself to life long hormone, let alone surgical, treatments. When parents are happy to let their growing children change gender identity, are they pleased with the medications and side effects they are subjected to? Is there no room for something else?
6
I was a tomboy. Short hair, jeans or bermudas, papa's old t-shirts... No dolls, only books and running around... Nearly all my friends were guys... So inevitably I have been called names... Mostly by girls... Worse, my then rare name coupled with my surname resulted in my being noted as master or mister on many documents
Never really much of a problem...
Problem was after marriage, when my short hair became an almighty problem... I was told by my MIL that it didn't matter how good a daughter I was, she could not take before her friends because I had short hair...
So that's how deep humans take what's on the surface... Shallowness abounds
Long run, didn't change my hair or person, just my marital status...
Never really much of a problem...
Problem was after marriage, when my short hair became an almighty problem... I was told by my MIL that it didn't matter how good a daughter I was, she could not take before her friends because I had short hair...
So that's how deep humans take what's on the surface... Shallowness abounds
Long run, didn't change my hair or person, just my marital status...
4
I sense a lot of internalized misogyny in these comments from proud "tomboys". Be who you are, by all means, and don't let anyone limit you or your choices by your gender - but there's certainly no need to dismiss all things typically considered "feminine" as stupid and frivolous. Is playing in the mud inherently better than painting nails? Or have we just decided to frame it as such since we consider traditional "male" activities and interests more important?
7
Painting your nails is already a socially acceptable activity. While we need to be careful to leave feminism open to women who prefer pink, glitter, princesses, cupcakes, home-making etc. and be sensitive to their needs; many tomboys, like myself, were bullied mercilessly by these girls for stepping our toes out of line.
2
I'm 60 - have always been a "tomboy" and have always been heterosexual. Have 2 geology degrees and love earth science, have played ice hockey for decades, have championed women's rights, gay and transgender rights, prefer painting the living room to painting my face or fingernails, will stand up to any man for any good reason, and have a great husband and 2 children who love and support me. Your daughter and you are lucky to have one another. Be who you are -- both of you, and be proud of it. Lastly, give a big hug to one another from me!!!
Sexual identity is not just defined by XX (female) or XY (male) hormones. All fertilized zygotes begin development as female until, at 6 weeks or so, the SRY gene on the Y chromosome triggers a "testosterone bath" and switches the zygote onto the "male" track. I read in a journal of a woman born XY, but whose Y chromosome never expressed itself. She developed as a perfectly normal woman, married, had kids, and would never had known if she hadn't had a DNA test performed for the BRCA genes in her late 40s.
Sex chromosome combinations can vary widely. XX is normal for females, but there are also X0 (only one chromosome), XXX, XXXX, and even XXXXX. Males are typically XY, but could also be XXY, XYY, XXYY, and XY/XXY mosaic.
The standard number of chromosomes for humans is 46, but 47, 48, and 49 are sometimes found.
Sometimes, a single zygote separates into identical twins. Sometimes two fraternal zygotes combine into a single zygote (a chimera) with two different sets of chromosomes.
Each year, our understanding of sexuality and sexual identity grow greater - and each year brings brand new questions to research.
Sex chromosome combinations can vary widely. XX is normal for females, but there are also X0 (only one chromosome), XXX, XXXX, and even XXXXX. Males are typically XY, but could also be XXY, XYY, XXYY, and XY/XXY mosaic.
The standard number of chromosomes for humans is 46, but 47, 48, and 49 are sometimes found.
Sometimes, a single zygote separates into identical twins. Sometimes two fraternal zygotes combine into a single zygote (a chimera) with two different sets of chromosomes.
Each year, our understanding of sexuality and sexual identity grow greater - and each year brings brand new questions to research.
and when discussing DNA & anything not sexual, it's gender not sex. The pervs in the Victorian Era started using sex instead of gender. Basically because they were not supposed to think about sex at all. Neither men nor women. This upper class flukes even had unisex (should be unigender but don't have to be ridiculous) nightgowns with a hole in the proper place for copulating as being naked was frowned on. Even for baths. Sponge baths were invented to still get clean. You weren't even supposed to be unclothed alone, by yourself. That is where this culture is trying to grow from. Got a long way to go. Once we get the difference between the original meanings of gender & sex figured out, we can then move on to gender identity & how it is different than sexual identity. In maybe a millennium or 2 we will be back where we were in pre history. When skin was skin.
Let's just let each other live with passion and authenticity and not infuse sexuality into everything. There is no reason anyone should have questions of gender imposed upon them.
4
My daughter--now mid 30s, happily married to a guy and mother of a son, was first a "tom boy" until past junior high--maybe high school... she did not want dresses ir Mary Janes or ballet lessons...
She was drawn to soccer and other sports... was a letter winner in softball, volleyball and a G/T student...
We were grateful her natural inclinations didn't yearn for makeup or provokative dressing at 10-11 like many of the girls in her school...
Tomboys were much more prelevant and accepted 30-50 yrs ago...
I was one myself...
She was drawn to soccer and other sports... was a letter winner in softball, volleyball and a G/T student...
We were grateful her natural inclinations didn't yearn for makeup or provokative dressing at 10-11 like many of the girls in her school...
Tomboys were much more prelevant and accepted 30-50 yrs ago...
I was one myself...
5
Good for your daughter for being true to herself! I can say from experience how stressful it is to try to pretend to be something else. In my case, I had been trying to hide autism. Not any longer. Life is much better now. You should definitely continue to encourage her to be her real self. The other thing I wanted to say was this: Have you ever considered introducing her, at some point, to the music videos of Annie Lennox/Eurythmics? "Sweet Dreams" might be a good one to start with. Annie has some of the same tendencies as your daughter and her music is excellent. Your daughter might like it. Annie is also a good role model because of all the philanthropic things she has been doing.
3
My mother is the younger of 5 children, and all her older siblings were boys. She remembers that when she was 3-4 years old, she wanted to dress the same clothes as her brothers, play with the same type of toys, etc. One day her grandma found her trying to urinate standing up. Thankfully, she was wise enough not to classify her as a tomboy or a girl who wanted to be transgender. To this day, my mother is thankful no-body at home tried to give her sermons about not being feminine enough as a girl or about her gender identity. She had the space to discover it herself (a straight women who follows her own concept of femininity), without being confused by other people's opinions or ideas of her self.
9
When did parents become so fearful of their children and the opinions of others? I have no problem with a girl who prefers more "boyish" clothes for play, but isn't a parent supposed to teach their children when certain clothes are appropriate and when they're not?
Having just returned from a trip to the UK, I was appalled at how so many people dress on airplanes these days. Now, I'm all for comfort on an 8 hr flight - loose clothing that does not wrinkle too badly is important. But pajama bottoms? Or the woman who actually boarded the plane in Detroit wearing honest to goodness pajamas?
Children need to learn what to wear and when. There are times a dress would be more appropriate than even nice pants, and surely a mother can help her daughter find a more tailored, less frilly dress to wear for such occasions, or a skirt and nice blouse. Asking a child to dress in what is appropriate for the occasion is in no way denying who they are - it's simply teaching them accepted ways that will serve them well in life. A girl can have an easy short haircut that still allows her to look like a girl.
How scary that we've become so obsessed with transgender people (who are in fact, a very small number) that we now feel we must ask people what sex they wish to be called. Then add in parents who appear to feel they must take their guidance from a small child as to what sex they actually are. Talk about confusing a child! Good grief!
Having just returned from a trip to the UK, I was appalled at how so many people dress on airplanes these days. Now, I'm all for comfort on an 8 hr flight - loose clothing that does not wrinkle too badly is important. But pajama bottoms? Or the woman who actually boarded the plane in Detroit wearing honest to goodness pajamas?
Children need to learn what to wear and when. There are times a dress would be more appropriate than even nice pants, and surely a mother can help her daughter find a more tailored, less frilly dress to wear for such occasions, or a skirt and nice blouse. Asking a child to dress in what is appropriate for the occasion is in no way denying who they are - it's simply teaching them accepted ways that will serve them well in life. A girl can have an easy short haircut that still allows her to look like a girl.
How scary that we've become so obsessed with transgender people (who are in fact, a very small number) that we now feel we must ask people what sex they wish to be called. Then add in parents who appear to feel they must take their guidance from a small child as to what sex they actually are. Talk about confusing a child! Good grief!
2
How scary that there are still people (often women) who want to make sure girls know they are 'different' & must dress differently than the boys they know on certain occasions. A girl who prefers pants can now find ones that are just as appropriate for 'certain' occasions as dresses or skirts. Just as it is possible to find a boy or man a formal kilt to wear. The child should have input into which they want. I spent an uncomfortable childhood, full of 'special occasions' wearing dresses with built in crinoline petticoats. Scratchier material has never been invented. No girls clothing maker ever put a soft material cover over the pokey ends at the waist. They poked, scratched, tickled, just plane made one very uncomfortable, the dress wasn't much better, all short waisted, so never felt right, nylon, & stiff on it's own. But, it was appropriate. Since I got married I have never been dressed what someone like you would think of as appropriately. This past year, because I've reached the age I am losing friends & finding myself at more funerals, I bought a nice looking black dress. It is long waisted, soft, comfortable. Even my wedding dress (full skirt, with separate poofy slip was comfortable. I insisted on it.). Appropriate is in the eye of the wearer not the beholder. Get over it.
2
Interesting article, but the title hits the main problem that isn't really discussed: why label everyone, and why so many labels?
Davis doesn't like her daughter being labeled as transgender (because she's not), but she labels her as a Tomboy. She later notes that her daughter wonders why she's called a Tomboy. Why call your daughter by a term that she rejects? Why not just call her a girl.
Later Davis says her daughter is "gender role nonconforming", because she doesn't like the term "gender nonconforming". And these points get at the center of a question that so many people are asking: why so many labels? Why define ourselves with labels?e?
LGBTQ organizations have done so much good to reduce prejudice and fight for equal rights, but at the same time, they are constantly adding so many labels that it's difficult to remember who's, who.
There has been a noticeable increase in the numbers of articles about this topic, transgender, etc., but every time I read an article, I can't help but wonder if the person writing it has really thought through the story they are trying to tell. It's not a popular opinion but it's one to think about.
Davis doesn't like her daughter being labeled as transgender (because she's not), but she labels her as a Tomboy. She later notes that her daughter wonders why she's called a Tomboy. Why call your daughter by a term that she rejects? Why not just call her a girl.
Later Davis says her daughter is "gender role nonconforming", because she doesn't like the term "gender nonconforming". And these points get at the center of a question that so many people are asking: why so many labels? Why define ourselves with labels?e?
LGBTQ organizations have done so much good to reduce prejudice and fight for equal rights, but at the same time, they are constantly adding so many labels that it's difficult to remember who's, who.
There has been a noticeable increase in the numbers of articles about this topic, transgender, etc., but every time I read an article, I can't help but wonder if the person writing it has really thought through the story they are trying to tell. It's not a popular opinion but it's one to think about.
4
"A person should wear what he wants to/And not just what other folks say./A person should do what she likes to/A person's a person that way."
Free to Be You and Me, Marlo Thomas and Friends.
Free to Be You and Me, Marlo Thomas and Friends.
4
She's not a Tomboy. Period. She's a girl who "wears track pants and T-shirts. She has shaggy short hair (the look she requested from the hairdresser was “Luke Skywalker in Episode IV”). Most, but not all, of her friends are boys. She is sporty and strong, incredibly sweet, and a girl." If "we" are having this "conversation" then let it also ring out that girls who like to climb trees, wear loose, comfortable, cloths, who like sports and spitting, are in no way imitating a boy, or is a "tomboy", but a girl. I have come to really dislike the term Tomboy. Please, please, let's support our children to be whoever they are and wish to be. Make sure you frame the discussion and use appropriate terms that liken a girl like the one in the article as having anything to do with our perception of what "boys" are like.
3
THANK YOU.
Gender ROLE non-conforming. Precisely that. This was me growing up and this is my niece as well.
Again, thank you for sharing this.
Gender ROLE non-conforming. Precisely that. This was me growing up and this is my niece as well.
Again, thank you for sharing this.
2
"In many ways, this is wonderful: It shows a much-needed sensitivity to gender nonconformity and transgender issues. It is considerate of adults to ask her — in the beginning."
It is not wonderful at all and it is not considerate. It is terrible.
Never mind the 1950's. Just 10 years ago this never would have happened. Your daughter would have been considered a tomboy and that would have been the end of it. Now the suggestion implies that upon turning of the appropriate age, she may have to go under the knife (and be sterilized).
Ms. Davis, most posters here are appalled by the idea of puberty blockers and hormones. I hope you read every one of the posts, let your daughter be, and keep her a mile away from adults who want to discuss the transgender issue with her.
It is not wonderful at all and it is not considerate. It is terrible.
Never mind the 1950's. Just 10 years ago this never would have happened. Your daughter would have been considered a tomboy and that would have been the end of it. Now the suggestion implies that upon turning of the appropriate age, she may have to go under the knife (and be sterilized).
Ms. Davis, most posters here are appalled by the idea of puberty blockers and hormones. I hope you read every one of the posts, let your daughter be, and keep her a mile away from adults who want to discuss the transgender issue with her.
I think this is a subtle issue. Nowadays, transgender people are starting to win their rights, which I find all right.
Because of that, it is understandable that many people now want to ensure they are being politically correct. However, this appears to be a harmful side effect for "tomboys".
As people automatically apply social "casts", if you want to be accurately identified as of one specific gender, you'd better conform to current social standards. Otherwise you will cause others' brain malfunction.
I'm afraid that's the way we humans work.
Because of that, it is understandable that many people now want to ensure they are being politically correct. However, this appears to be a harmful side effect for "tomboys".
As people automatically apply social "casts", if you want to be accurately identified as of one specific gender, you'd better conform to current social standards. Otherwise you will cause others' brain malfunction.
I'm afraid that's the way we humans work.
1
So often in these stories we're told, "The kids get it. Grown-ups are the ones who don't." Grown-ups should sit down with some kids and get schooled.
1
I always cringe when I watch home improvement shows and they, inevitably, paing the girls room shades of pink. Even for newborns! Why are we forcing this false narrative down or children's throats? Just as the writer stated, we should allow kids to be kids and express themselves however they see fit. And this goies for boys too!
2
Some girls, we must not forget, love pink, princesses, & frills. I wanted a pink bedroom with dark purple curtains. Finally we moved to a new house. Asked what I wanted I said 'pink with purple curtains'. Well, for once Mom listened, but, found a way to keep her discomfort down. I got my pink walls, & purple curtains at the windows. But, she lined them in white. See we had moved to a red house & in those days purple & red were NEVER together. You never wore 2 patterns, white shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, wore wool skirts starting the first day of school, no matter the temperature, didn't go to the beach before 4th of July. No stripes & plaids together, ever. The Easter hat was always straw (even when it was snowing & you had a beautiful fur (faux) hat). After all these years sometimes this rules (no longer hard & fast with you youngins) catch me. I have white sneakers, just had to get a pair (actually 2 pair as I have a foot swelling problem) of blue for our vacation. Know it's stupid. But, at $5.88 a pair it's doable. Still stupid. My husband is always mixing shades of red, as he can't see all of them. I used to nitpick, a rosy red can't go with an orangy red, blech. Now, I keep my mouth shut. Too many rules. About gender, about appropriate dressing, I don't have to be appropriate by your rules, only mine. You have the right to snicker at my choice (pajamas on a plane, lets say), as I do of yours (business suit & high heels).
“More girls should look like this so it’s more popular so grown-ups won’t be so confused.” This is exactly why her teachers want to know if she wants to be a boy because being transgendered is "popular" now and they assume that's what all girls and boys and their parents prefer. Let each be. Some genuine respect for individuality would suite America well.
Short hair and pants don't make you a boy any more than lipstick and dresses make you a girl. Thank you for supporting your daughter's identity without trying to get her to change her name to Tom and take hormones so she can grow a beard. Gender is a spectrum not a binary, just as our identities are fluid and not fixed. Despite good intentions, the transgender movement has reasserted old-fashioned, narrow categories of masculine and feminine (or the totally unhelpful labels of genderqueer or gender nonconforming which just call attention to the rigidity of it all) instead of allowing individuals to fall wherever they will on the gender spectrum without defining them according to sexist and tired ideas of how women and men should look and act.
5
My friend's first child refused to wear "girls'" clothing when she was young, preferring camo cut-offs. (She also frequently insisted that she was a dachshund.)
Now 17, she refuses to brush her hair, wears sweats, hides whiskey in iced tea bottles, is a pain in the neck, and her bedroom is a pigsty. She also makes good grades, and works as a lifeguard after school. In other words, a normal teen-age girl. Maybe she's gay. Maybe not. I've never asked, because I couldn't care less.
Now 17, she refuses to brush her hair, wears sweats, hides whiskey in iced tea bottles, is a pain in the neck, and her bedroom is a pigsty. She also makes good grades, and works as a lifeguard after school. In other words, a normal teen-age girl. Maybe she's gay. Maybe not. I've never asked, because I couldn't care less.
2
I just love species-non conforming kids like your friends daughter the dachshund. These sweet, imaginative children are always a delight.
1
All fine except the whiskey in the ice tea bottle. Not at all normal. Completely unhealthy. A sad life is what may follow, as this is often how the life of an alcoholic begins.
2
Only thing I'd check about is a 17 year old with whiskey in iced tea bottles. Not the bottles, the underage drinking. That could be a problem in the making. Once drinking gets 'hidden' what are the reasons for hiding? On some level she knows she just won't stop, will keep drinking, to excess, hiding the effects? Yes teenagers can be full blown alcoholics. Some are even coming into AA at this young person's age. Luckily. As the longer it goes on the harder it is to stop. If at 17 she thinks booze is necessary for life, she's in trouble. When she's 30, & still thinks it's necessary for life it will be a lot harder.
2
When I was a boy I did not give a second's thought to what were "boy" things to do or "girl" things to do. I built with blocks, played with Matchbox cars and Fisher Price people (we had a woman president of our Little People country), Star Wars figures, Erector sets and I loved to do needlepoint, paint, draw, read and ...I was always a science and science fiction/fantasy buff. Sports never interested me. As I grew into young adulthood, my friends thought I was gay. I never had a girlfriend but I was never really interested in all that. Was never interested in males, either. I am now 50m and still don't ascribe to social conventions of maleness. It's an artificial constraint imposed by an overly puritanical and patriarchal society that gets stranger to me with every passing year. People are....PEOPLE. Why the need to compartmentalize and label at all?
1
Your daughter doesn't really sound tomboyish, her behavior is in line with female gender roles. The reason you think she's a tomboy is because gender roles have become caricatured as something cartoonish and rigid, mostly by insecure older women who don't want to be judged -- and therefore push non-judgmentalism onto their children and others.
Transgenderism, if not a mental disease, is at least a social disease that needs to be marginalized because it tampers with the majority.
If your seven-year-old's politics matches yours, that says more about you than your child.
Transgenderism, if not a mental disease, is at least a social disease that needs to be marginalized because it tampers with the majority.
If your seven-year-old's politics matches yours, that says more about you than your child.
4
Trans does NOT need to be marginalized because it makes the majority uncomfortable. You can always go off by yourselves & never see anyone not exactly like you. The rest of us must put up with your phobias of difference. The fact you think so, means we the marginalized must keep fighting you the totally perfect. Since nothing on this planet has ever been perfect, it really means you are wrong.
It would not surprise me at all if many gender non-conforming 4 year olds are being subtly influenced if "transed by assumption." I am not as convinced as you are that this is always benign.
Bravo to your girl for defining her own girlhood the way that serves her. Not to mention leaves her fertile, sexually intact, and unscarred.
Bravo to your girl for defining her own girlhood the way that serves her. Not to mention leaves her fertile, sexually intact, and unscarred.
7
Ms. Davis,
Congratulations to you and your daughter for letting her embrace who she is.
And shame on those who know her and are trying to assign her a role based on how she looks or what she chooses to wear. Isn't that the antithesis of the whole movement to embrace transgender children?
Please tell her from my whole family, with two daughters, you go girl!!!
Congratulations to you and your daughter for letting her embrace who she is.
And shame on those who know her and are trying to assign her a role based on how she looks or what she chooses to wear. Isn't that the antithesis of the whole movement to embrace transgender children?
Please tell her from my whole family, with two daughters, you go girl!!!
2
People who know they don't know, need to ask, to make sure they don't inadvertently call someone by the wrong pronoun. Asking for information, unless done in a snide fashion, is just that. However, if the same people keep asking (first few times in a program, it can be so many answers & for some reason adults are not supposed to write down the answers they get), then it is possible to take offense & just say, same as last week, or yesterday, or last month, however the meeting takes place.
Yes! Every word, yes. Totally agree.
But I can't help thinking, how much worse would it be if it was a boy how liked to wear dresses and play with dolls. While it may be less used nowadays at least there is a concept of a tomboy. The best a (non-trans) boy could hope for is "sissy," "Cross dresser," other derogatory terms. We have a long way to go before we all can be just who we are without having to fit into one box or another.
But I can't help thinking, how much worse would it be if it was a boy how liked to wear dresses and play with dolls. While it may be less used nowadays at least there is a concept of a tomboy. The best a (non-trans) boy could hope for is "sissy," "Cross dresser," other derogatory terms. We have a long way to go before we all can be just who we are without having to fit into one box or another.
4
I fit that mold in 1948 when, at age six, I realized that dolls were stupid objects and digging in the mud for worms was fun. I still love digging in the mud---my vegetable garden is the envy of my urban neighbors. Jeans are de riguer items in my wardrobe, and I wear men's shoes for comfort and balance.
I also aspired to "men's" career fields during the 1950's, and was ridiculed for wanting to become a civil engineer....."You'll never find work; no one will hire a woman engineer. You're being stupid." Even my female high-school math teachers discouraged me. Well, I did enjoy teaching math in secondary schools...heck of a trade-off.
Not once have I ever felt "wrong" in my female body. Had a great marriage and kids, with equal distribution of housework with my husband. He did the laundry, dusting, and vacuuming; I did the yardwork (of course!), cooking, and grocery shopping.
Make-up? Stopped wearing it at age 28. Felt it was useless because I had confidence in myself and did not need to hide behind "beauty products." I'm still beautiful at 75 and I know it. It matters not what others think, as I am a liberal and would never stoop to asking anyone about gender, race, or religion. I do ask about country of origin, merely because I have met (and taught) so many people from around the world. Love meeting someone from a country I have not encountered previously.
I am woman!
I also aspired to "men's" career fields during the 1950's, and was ridiculed for wanting to become a civil engineer....."You'll never find work; no one will hire a woman engineer. You're being stupid." Even my female high-school math teachers discouraged me. Well, I did enjoy teaching math in secondary schools...heck of a trade-off.
Not once have I ever felt "wrong" in my female body. Had a great marriage and kids, with equal distribution of housework with my husband. He did the laundry, dusting, and vacuuming; I did the yardwork (of course!), cooking, and grocery shopping.
Make-up? Stopped wearing it at age 28. Felt it was useless because I had confidence in myself and did not need to hide behind "beauty products." I'm still beautiful at 75 and I know it. It matters not what others think, as I am a liberal and would never stoop to asking anyone about gender, race, or religion. I do ask about country of origin, merely because I have met (and taught) so many people from around the world. Love meeting someone from a country I have not encountered previously.
I am woman!
6
Hear us ROAR!
2
So she's a 1970s kid, basically. We all looked like her.
I'm in complete support of transgender people to be the person they know to be. But I am tired of the conversation always being about looks and clothing. Can the media find one transgender person who knew they were a different gender for a reason other than "I always wanted to wear dresses" or "I always wore jeans and sneakers"? Because that cannot be what gender is about. Nearly every woman I know doesn't not feel like a woman because she wears makeup and dresses. This is a ridiculous cultural stereotype and it needs to die.
I'm in complete support of transgender people to be the person they know to be. But I am tired of the conversation always being about looks and clothing. Can the media find one transgender person who knew they were a different gender for a reason other than "I always wanted to wear dresses" or "I always wore jeans and sneakers"? Because that cannot be what gender is about. Nearly every woman I know doesn't not feel like a woman because she wears makeup and dresses. This is a ridiculous cultural stereotype and it needs to die.
10
When I was a 7-year old boy my best friend was a 6-year old girl that lived down the street. Like me, she dressed in tee shirts, jeans and beat up Converse sneakers. We rode our bikes together, learned to pop wheelies, set up ramps to catch air, climbed trees, played baseball, crashed matchbox cars, lit small fires and occasionally kissed. I was head over heels for her. And why not? We had so much in common. She blossomed into a young woman, got married straight out of college, had children and, as far as I know, was perfectly happy with that route. I guess it might have evolved differently, becoming transgender or a lesbian. And that would have been ok too. I'm equally confounded by the negative reactions as those the support her march toward an alternative lifestyle permanently eschewing the superficial trappings of femininity, embracing her feminist birthright, progressing toward transgenderism, etc. Maybe she's just a kid on the normal range of individual differentiation. Who know how this will play out? And it's great that her mom seems to be supportive of however it does. But let's not make too much of a child's rejection of -- or more likely, simply not being captive to -- gender roles and gender expectations. Rejecting the gender "box" is hardly the same as rejecting the gender. Perhaps it is merely the path to exceptionalism.
3
What is the equivalent term to "tomboy" for a boy?
I don't know it, but I've grown up hearing "tomboy." Why is that?
I don't know it, but I've grown up hearing "tomboy." Why is that?
Because maleness is the default. Anything else is "other".
4
Because the descriptive words for boys are not spoken in polite society, unless one of the ones it describes can hear or see it. Tomboy is just a word. From the days when even doctors felt that a girl doing things that were usually only done by boys were harming themselves. Like climbing trees, playing ball, running. It was once believed that if a female was hit by a ball or anything else, in the chest area she would positively develop breast cancer. So, girls were not allowed to do anything where that might happen. Now that is just an old untrue myth. But, I bet some Grandmothers still believe it. Councelling girls to stay away from balls of all kinds, as players & spectators, who might accidentally get hit. None of which has anything to do with trans. Daughters like this woman's know who they are, that it's ok, & how they dress is no one else's business. But, trans girls or boys know what they know inside, but, also know that everyone on the outside has an opinion that they feel is better than those involved. Which isn't true. So, tomboys, whether you like the name or not, just be yourselves & if you notice someone being given a hard time for being trans, stand up for them. Will make you feel good, & might help them believe not everyone is against them. Lesson from my mother.
Amen for this essay. There are many people who are gender role nonconforming who have no interest in changing pronouns or taking hormones.
4
beautiful article, very timely. people on all sides show myopia and it is important to expose it in all its forms.
2
I think this is one of those moments where hypersensitivity is creating an issue out of a different issue. If transgender rights weren't at the forefront of heated political debates, would anyone even think to ask that question? Children are often cruel but most people just need a little guidance. Think about when people drop ambiguous names without any context.
Me: What did you do this weekend?
Co-worker: I took my brother's kids, Jamie and Morgan, out for lunch and an ice cream.
Not that gender would be the first thing that jumps to mind but I don't even know what pronoun to use. Language screams for gender associations just out of grammatical construct. English isn't even the worst offender either. I politely revert to the use of plural associations.
Me: I bet they had a great time. You're really nice to treat them out.
Hypothetical co-worker could have helped the conversation by referring to nieces and nephews. In the same way, a parent that's ever received a misguided gender question might drop a hint next time. If you really are dealing with biological gender nonconformity, all the more reason to preempt the awkward question. Most people aren't trying to be rude intentionally.
Which I agree, all women face an uphill battle in gender roles. However, I'll politely point out: No one in my family was allowed to walk out of the house in a t-shirt and sweatpants regardless of gender. You were expected to look presentable. Pants versus skirts was a secondary issue.
Me: What did you do this weekend?
Co-worker: I took my brother's kids, Jamie and Morgan, out for lunch and an ice cream.
Not that gender would be the first thing that jumps to mind but I don't even know what pronoun to use. Language screams for gender associations just out of grammatical construct. English isn't even the worst offender either. I politely revert to the use of plural associations.
Me: I bet they had a great time. You're really nice to treat them out.
Hypothetical co-worker could have helped the conversation by referring to nieces and nephews. In the same way, a parent that's ever received a misguided gender question might drop a hint next time. If you really are dealing with biological gender nonconformity, all the more reason to preempt the awkward question. Most people aren't trying to be rude intentionally.
Which I agree, all women face an uphill battle in gender roles. However, I'll politely point out: No one in my family was allowed to walk out of the house in a t-shirt and sweatpants regardless of gender. You were expected to look presentable. Pants versus skirts was a secondary issue.
2
I often roll out of the house in a t-shirt (graphic, patriotic or place I've been usually), jeans, or in cold weather, sweatpants. As long as they don't have holes in them (and holey jeans are back 'in' for the tween, teen, & young adult crowd, just not me), & are clean. That is more important than what the material they are made of. For any gender.
Oh, I do have a Nasty Woman sweatshirt. Wore it all winter. Though a white sweatshirt is so impractical. I'm not a democrat.
Oh, I do have a Nasty Woman sweatshirt. Wore it all winter. Though a white sweatshirt is so impractical. I'm not a democrat.
As a new transfer student in fifth grade, when my teacher saw me for the first time from behind the counter in the school office, she exclaimed, "Another boy?!" I was wearing a dress, as girls were required to do at that time...but since she only saw me from the waist up, and I did have short hair, she jumped to that conclusion. I am amazed that these old-fashioned notions of gender roles as demonstrated by color/toy preferences, hair style, clothing, etc.) still persist in the 21st century.
Good for her! I was a tomboy. Could beat the boys in running, rock climbing and a few in arm wrestling. Still prefer to not wear skirts or dresses. Lots of nice pants suits and low-heeled comfy shoes for business wear. You go, Girl!
1
The fact that people are asking/wondering shows that our awareness and sensitivity to transgendered individuals has grown a lot in recent years. That makes me very happy.
1
So happy to see a girl (or any child) use her own imagination rather than one that comes in a packaged princess outfit from Target or a packaged preconception from someone outside of herself.
One of my neighbors buys her 4-yr old all of the princess dresses and she is already obsessed with her appearance - running inside to change her outfit several times/day, coming out and asking everyone how she looks - rather than running around the neighborhood making up games w. the other kids.
One of my neighbors buys her 4-yr old all of the princess dresses and she is already obsessed with her appearance - running inside to change her outfit several times/day, coming out and asking everyone how she looks - rather than running around the neighborhood making up games w. the other kids.
2
I've lived my life as a tomboy as well and applaud your daughter for being so forthright and confidant. I had an electric train as a child, played with little boys and also played dolls with little girls (Revlon doll, not Barbie, always thought Barbie looked ghastly).
Bored and stifled with office work (with all the nice clothes), went to truck driving school. Did not last, truck driving is horrific, especially after the deregulation of the industry when drivers are pushed into team driving and kept out for weeks on end, earning less than a living wage (they are non-union).
Was married, have had when younger boyfriends, lifelong runner, skier, climber. Keep hair short (cut it myself), mistaken for being lesbian. Nope, just a tomboy. Never gave into pressures to "pick sides," however for me there has been considerable marginalization including in my family of origin.
Believe tomboys are more interesting than both straight and gay women, but that's only an opinion.
Godspeed to your daughter, may she boldly and apologetically pursue her authentic life!
Bored and stifled with office work (with all the nice clothes), went to truck driving school. Did not last, truck driving is horrific, especially after the deregulation of the industry when drivers are pushed into team driving and kept out for weeks on end, earning less than a living wage (they are non-union).
Was married, have had when younger boyfriends, lifelong runner, skier, climber. Keep hair short (cut it myself), mistaken for being lesbian. Nope, just a tomboy. Never gave into pressures to "pick sides," however for me there has been considerable marginalization including in my family of origin.
Believe tomboys are more interesting than both straight and gay women, but that's only an opinion.
Godspeed to your daughter, may she boldly and apologetically pursue her authentic life!
2
The bottom line is that most people just aren't happy unless they are labeling people or trying to get them to conform to whatever it is they think others should be conforming to. The flip side of that is people scrambling to fit in and worrying if they don't.
We need to mind our own business and stop worrying about fitting in.
We need to mind our own business and stop worrying about fitting in.
Judgment, judgment, judgment. Like many body parts, everyone has one, and seems to be pleased to splatter them all over us.
Kudos from one dad with young daughters to another. Keep working your hardest to never let these crazy humans alter their levels of incredible.
Kudos from one dad with young daughters to another. Keep working your hardest to never let these crazy humans alter their levels of incredible.
My name (Ira) has caused confusion and mistakes in identifying my gender (and religion) throughout my life. The routine reaction by someone who has made this mistake is to suggest that I am the one who is at fault, having upset their assumptions and making them feel uncomfortable. As a young adult I worked at a job where my race was underrepresented and was routinely advised that I was the "wrong race".
I don't see humans getting any smarter but perhaps we can learn to keep our yaps shut once in a while.
I don't see humans getting any smarter but perhaps we can learn to keep our yaps shut once in a while.
1
Oh my word - When are we going to just let people be people. Does everything need a label? Reminds me of my friend's 7 year old daughter - she does the Disney princess thing but her bedroom is all Spider Man. My favorite photo of her, she is driving a small tractor wearing a tiara and tutu. A tiara, a tutu and a tractor! Yes!
2
That was me in the 1960s. I was gender-role transgressive. I broke the dress code by wearing a wool pants suit to school. The principal called up my mom and said, "You need to bring a skirt to school so Sally can be properly dressed."
She laughed. "I've got better things to do," she said.
In the weeks following, the school relaxed the rules, and we girls could wait for the bus without our knees becoming chapped and reddened from the cold. Of course, once we started wearing big skirts that covered us to the ankles, the males in power complained about that, too.
Who would want to be a woman when women had to show off their breasts, lacquer their hair, and smile phony smiles while they scrubbed and cleaned and cooked? Nothing's changed there, only now the hair is straight and white-blonde, the lips are plumped with injections, and the cleaning products have been replaced by sheafs of contracts for foreign trade.
I loved my tailored clothes and boys' shoes and I still do. I'm not a dreamboat flying a flag and handing out tickets to come aboard. Freedom of movement, freedom of thought, freedom of speech—those will be within the young tomboy's reach if she doesn't get too distracted.
This mother's essay is so late in coming, but very much welcome, and refreshing to people like me.
She laughed. "I've got better things to do," she said.
In the weeks following, the school relaxed the rules, and we girls could wait for the bus without our knees becoming chapped and reddened from the cold. Of course, once we started wearing big skirts that covered us to the ankles, the males in power complained about that, too.
Who would want to be a woman when women had to show off their breasts, lacquer their hair, and smile phony smiles while they scrubbed and cleaned and cooked? Nothing's changed there, only now the hair is straight and white-blonde, the lips are plumped with injections, and the cleaning products have been replaced by sheafs of contracts for foreign trade.
I loved my tailored clothes and boys' shoes and I still do. I'm not a dreamboat flying a flag and handing out tickets to come aboard. Freedom of movement, freedom of thought, freedom of speech—those will be within the young tomboy's reach if she doesn't get too distracted.
This mother's essay is so late in coming, but very much welcome, and refreshing to people like me.
We should all care less about who has what genitalia, who likes what genitalia, who likes to dress in what gender-specific clothes, where each person is on that gender or sexual preference spectrum, etc. Let's be humans, and treat each other humanely.
That said, it can hard to navigate human interactions and gender fluidity. Pronouns, names, clothing are usually gender specific. It's hard to not use gender pronouns, and if it is not immediately clear, it can be awkward. Asking can offend some people, assuming can offend some people. Patience, kindness, acceptance and education on the part of all of us will go a long way.
That said, it can hard to navigate human interactions and gender fluidity. Pronouns, names, clothing are usually gender specific. It's hard to not use gender pronouns, and if it is not immediately clear, it can be awkward. Asking can offend some people, assuming can offend some people. Patience, kindness, acceptance and education on the part of all of us will go a long way.
Even the term 'tomboy' is stupid in this day and age. I was called that back in the 50s because I'd rather ride my bike and skate in the street than play with dolls. When my daughter was 7, she fell off the monkey bars at school and broke her arm. The next day I took her up to school so her classmates could see she was OK. A teacher's aide said, "oh, she must be a tomboy." To which I replied, "no, all girl; all very active girl." That was 1987.
Come on, let's stop measuring everything by males.
Come on, let's stop measuring everything by males.
A splendid article!! Stereotyped gender expectations are still a HUGE part of our society, and probably all will be - but the ultra-liberal, rainbow type of approach to gender is also heavily based upon stereotypes and pre-set assumptions and expectations, every bit as much as the more binary, conservative ones are. If a boy or girl doesn't act the way a person of their gender "normally" acts, then they are labelled as "transgender" or "gender-confused" or some other silly label which is not nearly as meaningful as its supporters think it is. Human behavior is insanely varied and difficult to accurately pin down, categorize or label. We should simply accept each individual AS an individual, without constantly trying to place everyone in a few very specific "boxes" or restrictive categories: just let people be themselves without making so many judgments and assumptions about what they are or what they "should" be!!
8
Thank you for this much needed input. As a happy grandmother and a still dedicated tomboy I have to speak up for less labeling and more acceptance of the various solutions children find to shape their lives. Let them be.
3
yeah! thank you for writing this. My wonderful, can do no wrong in my eyes daughter used to have boys - 7 to 9 year olds - come knocking at the door Saturday mornings asking if she come out to play. She was 12, and could pass that football. I taught her. She drilled bullets through their tiny little chests on pass plays. They loved it. My heart would bust with pride.
The football coach at her high school asked her to join the team after he saw her "toss" back an incomplete pass. - She and her friends happened to be passing by the practice field because she has a crush on one the guys. She did spend that afternoon rocketing passes down field that day.
That evening, I got a call from the coach - and then I spent all dinner begging her to join the team. Even through-in a car as a bribe.
She said no. She didn't want to break a nail. She didn't particularly like football.
I'm quite proud of her. She's married to a wonderful guy - four kids - and a great career as a clinical social worker.
But, she could pass that football.
The football coach at her high school asked her to join the team after he saw her "toss" back an incomplete pass. - She and her friends happened to be passing by the practice field because she has a crush on one the guys. She did spend that afternoon rocketing passes down field that day.
That evening, I got a call from the coach - and then I spent all dinner begging her to join the team. Even through-in a car as a bribe.
She said no. She didn't want to break a nail. She didn't particularly like football.
I'm quite proud of her. She's married to a wonderful guy - four kids - and a great career as a clinical social worker.
But, she could pass that football.
12
In the late 60's when I was in grade school, there were plenty of tomboys in our school. Everybody got along just fine. The girls grew up just fine, married with children today. Nobody questioned their gender. Boys understood they liked to run and jump with the boys vs. the girls. Some of them were the best players on the boys teams. As we hit puberty, many times, these were the girls that everybody wanted to date because of the shared experiences.
6
Thank you for writing this! My daughter too, was and is a Tom boy, at 20 she loves her short hair style (no muss no fuss) she loves screened tees, baseball caps, anime, dungeons and dragons and players roller derby. She doesn't like or wear make up often either. While her friends starting wearing make up and short shorts and began worrying about their hair and boys, she decided not to, she enjoyed the company of boys rather than girls (boys are easier mom, no drama) and she embraced herself for who she was and not what she looked like. As a teen she sometimes got called "him" or "he" and I would cringe, but she did not. She is a girl, she identifies herself as such. I'm proud of my girl as she is a strong woman with amazing values. She fights and believes in the ever continuing battle of women's rights and the rights of human beings whether they dress up in pretty dresses, ties or a screened tee, whether they are LGBTQ, or women looking for equal pay or equal rights. Just because she doesn't fit into the worlds version of a girl doesn't mean she isn't one.. let us all be who we are .. human
5
Ever since DNA has come into the open scientific arena, we know more than ever about the mixture and makeup of individuals when it comes to race, gender, and disease. There is no label anymore, as people are individuals with the role environment plays on top of the DNA one is born with. It is better if we leave all the labels of race and gender behind other than if one wants to identify as such. Generally speaking, babies for the most part are born with the defined genitalia of either female or male, other times, it is questionable. That is up to the parents and professionals to sort it out. Then, when it comes to fitting into a stereotype of who females or males should be, namely; looking or acting feminine or looking or acting masculine, our society has for the most part evolved to the point that individuals get to pick who they are, how they dress, what they do for a career, not based on gender anymore for the most part. The nature of the human animal is to put individuals into neatly defined categories, as they feel safer that way, and it is easier, but in the end it is easier to just let people be who they want to be without fanfare or attention.
1
We had different rules than other families when I was a child. We could wear what we wanted to wear, but we had to be fully independent picking out our own clothes and we, and our clothes, had to be clean without any instruction - and special holidays meant dressing up, in the long dresses we got for Christmas that we loved. One year I wore a Joe Namath #12 shirt the whole year - and grandma's friends called me "sonny" - but then I dressed for my school photo as a native american girl because we had just learned about colonial brutality. Another year, my favorite pants were red plaid toughskins from Sears. Playing in the neighborhood, the other kids and I would use my canvas sneakers to play capture the flag, fish in the swamp, and retrieve balls from the sewer - often losing one or both in the process. My wheeler-dealer mom made a deal with the local shoe guy - he would sell her one sneaker at a time for $2.50, so my sneakers rarely matched.
In 5th grade, I had my first serious growing up conversation with my dad - I told him that at recess I did not want to sit with the other girls on the hill wearing blue eyeshadow. I wanted to keep running with the boys. My dad said simply: keep running.
To me, being a girl meant being independent, strong, fierce when need be, and yes, pretty when I felt like it. I felt like the sky was the limit, and it was a great start in life.
In 5th grade, I had my first serious growing up conversation with my dad - I told him that at recess I did not want to sit with the other girls on the hill wearing blue eyeshadow. I wanted to keep running with the boys. My dad said simply: keep running.
To me, being a girl meant being independent, strong, fierce when need be, and yes, pretty when I felt like it. I felt like the sky was the limit, and it was a great start in life.
7
When I grew up in the late 50's and mid-60's we had girls in the neighborhood who played pick-up baseball, basketball and touch football with us all the time. We never called them Tom-boys or thought about their sexuality, to us boys they were just more players to chose from when dividing up sides. Some of the girls were better than the boys and some of the boys better than the girls. Bottom line, we were all just friends who enjoyed sports.
4
My daughter asks about whether clothes are boy clothes or girl clothes. I tell her that since she is a girl, whatever she chooses to wear are "girl clothes" - whether that is a soccer uniform or jeans or a ballgown. She wants her hair short right now and asked me why some people think she is a boy with short hair. I let her know that boys and girls look very similar in size and shape until puberty, and people look at haircuts and clothes to tell the difference. I don't like this trend of labeling kids' sexual preference/identity before puberty hits. They should be free of labels other than their genetic ones until they are sexually mature. Kids are very open to suggestion and when you tell a young girl that she might not not really be a girl because of a haircut or clothing choice, she begins to doubt who she is or can be. It also limits kids because they feel like they need to choose "boy" or "girl" activities and interests as well as clothes and hair in some sort of gender package that has strict rules defined by nobody know who but that everyone seems to agree on. It's all just current gender conventions that change from generation to generation.
12
My daughter has the same tomboy tees and sweatpants style and has always emphatically rejected princesses and what she deems "girly girl" things. But she very definitely identifies as a girl. Stylistically she expresses this with very long hair and small necklaces. I agree that gender stereotypes are almost getting worse these days. As if all heterosexual girls should live for sparkly gowns and unicorns...
4
Hooray for tomboys! I, too, can identify with growing up in the 50s and having a coonskin cap, cowboy hat, and a toy gun and holster (albeit it was white and not black and also a bit smaller than the boys version--which was good for me). My younger brother was the opposite, he asked for a doll (and got one). Neither of us has gender issues. We are fine, married, he's a grandfather. I opted not to have kids, but did help raise a step-daughter. I praise my parents for letting us do what we wanted. I was never mistaken for a boy, but my mom did have my hair cut very short--out of necessity for my chosen tomboy antics. She also arranged for a date so she could see me attend my prom. I just couldn't be bothered, but ended up the first in my group to marry. So you never know. Today I am a widow and am very happy my dad treated me as a person and taught me how to fix things, garden, and not be afraid of getting dirty--I can take care of myself very nicely. Let kids be kids and let them explore on their own terms and at their own pace. We're all different. But, speaking for myself, my first encounter with a garter belt and stockings--with seams--in the 1950s made me envy my brother. Alas, it wasn't until the 1970s when women were "allowed" to wear pants to work. Don't get me wrong, I love dresses and wearing makeup--but when I want to, not because I must to be considered female.
5
despite the overwhelming number of "media" outlets, I have the feeling that the information filters are in full swing, and if it doesn't conform to the internal, that information falls away, as witnessed by any number of stupid things today's politicians say about women. We don't do well with "different" in 2017 anymore than we did 50 years ago--I think, despite what we say in public. Hate is omnipresent.
It is easier to put people in cubby holes than to communicate and get to know them to see if the cuby hole fits. There seems to be a general lack of knowledge about biology, anatomy, psychology and the scientific community doesn't seem to be clarifying much these days, especially now that the LGBQT is in the news more.
A friend of mine has gynecomastia--moobs in ordinary parlance--and the stares, comments, and avoidance he gets is surprising for such an "enlightened" society. The internet that has seemingly opened the world of information, seems to have made it worse for many people who are now labeled by what others see and hear on the unfiltered cornucopea of regurgitated opinions of the masses.
It is easier to put people in cubby holes than to communicate and get to know them to see if the cuby hole fits. There seems to be a general lack of knowledge about biology, anatomy, psychology and the scientific community doesn't seem to be clarifying much these days, especially now that the LGBQT is in the news more.
A friend of mine has gynecomastia--moobs in ordinary parlance--and the stares, comments, and avoidance he gets is surprising for such an "enlightened" society. The internet that has seemingly opened the world of information, seems to have made it worse for many people who are now labeled by what others see and hear on the unfiltered cornucopea of regurgitated opinions of the masses.
2
"I will research puberty blockers and hormones"?
This sounds like dystopian science fiction. They can identify as they wish, but can't we just let these kids grow up in their bodies as they are. The chemical and surgical alterations are abominable. Teach them to love their bodies--engaging in these "medical" procedures is nothing but our own self-indulgence.
This sounds like dystopian science fiction. They can identify as they wish, but can't we just let these kids grow up in their bodies as they are. The chemical and surgical alterations are abominable. Teach them to love their bodies--engaging in these "medical" procedures is nothing but our own self-indulgence.
15
As a former tomboy, I loved this article and fully support the author (and her daughter). I was mistaken for a boy up until I was 10 years old when I decided to grow my hair out. But I did not want to be a boy. In high school, I again had short hair and wore baggy clothes. I was quite outspoken in my tiny school, and learned that because of these things, I was not seen as feminine. In fact, the senior jokes about what we would all become claimed that I would discover that I'm a man. I found it all horribly hurtful.
I am now 45 years old so I can with quite a bit of confidence say that I am not transgender. Nor am I a lesbian, the other common assumption made of tomboys. I left my tomboy days behind and am now more femme than not, but I am still frustrated by the narrow gender role expectations we place on children.
I am now 45 years old so I can with quite a bit of confidence say that I am not transgender. Nor am I a lesbian, the other common assumption made of tomboys. I left my tomboy days behind and am now more femme than not, but I am still frustrated by the narrow gender role expectations we place on children.
5
As an eight year old in 1939, I wore dresses to school. One day I asked my dad to make a local boy stop knocking me off my bike and pushing me in the hedges. My dad said I should deal with the boy myself. I changed into shorts, tee shirt and clunky shoes and hid my long hair under a cap. I found the bad boy, told him I was my older brother, and shoved him into the hedges. Now 86, I'm still confident.
8
Good onya, mom. Our generation is so obsessed with defining gender. I was a tomboy as a kid and liked sports & fashion, science and art. I wanted to be a cub scout and wear that righteous cobalt blue uniform. I'm now grownup, a feminine straight women who still is a tomboy, one who can think like a man and think like a woman, and that has been an enormous asset to me.
6
Great read. Until we have no more sexism and patterns of male domination it will hard to know how we would be in this world. Boys are humiliated and physically threatened or acted out on if they don't uphold a prescribed position. Those who don't conform to norms of male and female stereotypes are targeted for destructive attacks (sometimes those who inhabit those stereotyped images are targeted too). Girls and women are presented daily with the dangers for just being born female: rape, abusive imagery, sexual exploitation, global femicide, etc. Adults have a hard time noticing how pervasive, stultifying & terrifying this is in most societies. Including now and in this one. There is no dodge, no way around the reality of the different versions of targeting - just the decision to face them and fight them. This girl is pleased with who she is despite all the targeting of her female body. Well done mom. As to any decision that required medical intervention? No, I would let my child rage at me but gently insist that they do not get that 'choice'. Hard perhaps but I think when we express upset about our body as if it was the problem - not the society which has targeted these bodies - my job as parent is to hold a line until work has been done on that. Those who fight for the rights of the disabled long ago recognized that before you consider altering the body you were born into, first you have to fight the message that would say there was something wrong with it.
4
I am reminded of Jennifer Lawrence's statement of hope that girls would want to be like the strong self she is an projects. More power to this young girl for just being herself.
When my younger son was three, he saw some red sparkly girls' shoes on a store shelf and said "Those are beautiful!" The clerk said "Yeah, if you're RuPaul."
He was three. Now he's 23 and he's a wonderful, still non-conforming man, a wildlife biologist who still appreciates beautiful things. He has been involved in men's groups and brings the questions in this article up all the time -- why can't the full range of human emotion and expression be available to men (and women)? When he and his brother still cried publicly at the age they entered elementary school, I told them "sometimes a whole culture can be wrong about something. And the culture we live in will attack you if you cry in public. You are normal that you cry, but this culture isn't normal. So protect yourself and cry at home. But you may not want to cry at school, even when you feel sad." The message our culture gives to boys is: "if you feel lonely, you can express anger. If you feel sad, you can express anger. If you're scared, you can express anger." Thank god this is changing, but it's not changing fast enough to spare men and women the pain (and often domestic violence) that comes from these stunted gender norms. My adult sons couldn't be more different from each other, but neither of them identifies with the male norms of our culture. We need to keep the dialogue in this article going, for boys as well as girls.
He was three. Now he's 23 and he's a wonderful, still non-conforming man, a wildlife biologist who still appreciates beautiful things. He has been involved in men's groups and brings the questions in this article up all the time -- why can't the full range of human emotion and expression be available to men (and women)? When he and his brother still cried publicly at the age they entered elementary school, I told them "sometimes a whole culture can be wrong about something. And the culture we live in will attack you if you cry in public. You are normal that you cry, but this culture isn't normal. So protect yourself and cry at home. But you may not want to cry at school, even when you feel sad." The message our culture gives to boys is: "if you feel lonely, you can express anger. If you feel sad, you can express anger. If you're scared, you can express anger." Thank god this is changing, but it's not changing fast enough to spare men and women the pain (and often domestic violence) that comes from these stunted gender norms. My adult sons couldn't be more different from each other, but neither of them identifies with the male norms of our culture. We need to keep the dialogue in this article going, for boys as well as girls.
11
When my younger son was 4 he saw those exact same sparkly red shoes at Target. And he wanted them, so I bought them for him. They were way too big for him but he wore them for almost a year. When my older son was 5 he put on a tutu at a children's play center and he loved it so much he snuck it home. He wore it for a week before I told him he had to give it back.
What I didn't do is start asking either one of them if they wanted to be called Loretta.
The younger one did, at age 6, once ask me "am I really a boy?" I did not say "I don't know, dear, what do you think you are?" I said "You have a penis. You are a boy. Trust me on this." He never asked again.
They are both adult heterosexual males now. My biggest problem with the footwear of the younger one is that he insists on wearing combat boots to social occasions.
What I didn't do is start asking either one of them if they wanted to be called Loretta.
The younger one did, at age 6, once ask me "am I really a boy?" I did not say "I don't know, dear, what do you think you are?" I said "You have a penis. You are a boy. Trust me on this." He never asked again.
They are both adult heterosexual males now. My biggest problem with the footwear of the younger one is that he insists on wearing combat boots to social occasions.
4
When my daughter was in kindergarten she wanted her hair cut really close to her head, like her teacher. "People might think you're a boy," I said. "Well, I know I'm a girl!" she replied. Gotta love the straightforward common sense of six-year-olds.
8
As the transgender rights movement picked up steam--and I am absolutely supportive of transgender and other gender rights--I wondered what would become of those we used to call "tomboys," who were quite common when I was growing up, far more common than transgender people are even now. Being a tomboy was also, for some girls, a phase of life. I would hate for current tomboys to be led into believing that they are suffering a dysphoria that needs medical attention. They are not, and they should not be questioned by others or forced to question themselves. They are children, and they are what they gloriously are. Thanks so much for writing about this!
6
Interesting. My Mom gave me (a girl) a boy's name and cut my hair short. I was a total tomboy, and I hated dresses and skirts, but I wanted long hair!!!
1
Sounds like me as a girl. "Girl" toys were mind deadening dull. "Girl" clothes were uncomfortable and kept me from moving as I needed. Behaving like a "Girl" meant being still and being quiet, and staying in the background.
I never wanted to be a "Boy". I wanted the "Boy" freedoms and privilege, encouragement. I suffered ridicule and challenges from family, and strangers alike, for more years than I can count.
As I matured, the Tomboy look became a more androgenous comfort, as I realized I was a lesbian. I have never embraced the American feminine persona, but have lived a happy, healthy fulfilled life. At 65, today I am living the life I created and have always wanted.
I am thankful that it might be easier for today for kids who might be a little different from the norm. LGTB acceptance has made huge strides since I was a young woman in the 70's. Cherish all the children.
I never wanted to be a "Boy". I wanted the "Boy" freedoms and privilege, encouragement. I suffered ridicule and challenges from family, and strangers alike, for more years than I can count.
As I matured, the Tomboy look became a more androgenous comfort, as I realized I was a lesbian. I have never embraced the American feminine persona, but have lived a happy, healthy fulfilled life. At 65, today I am living the life I created and have always wanted.
I am thankful that it might be easier for today for kids who might be a little different from the norm. LGTB acceptance has made huge strides since I was a young woman in the 70's. Cherish all the children.
4
With all the talk about gays and lesbians (sexual attraction), transgender people (gender identity), and tomboys, what about the category of cross-dresser? Cross dressing has nothing to do with sexuality or gender identity...it is limited to expression of appearance through clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc. Girls and women can be cross-dressers just as easily as boys and men (though it draws less attention). In bringing up this possibility, I do not aim to label the author's child, but merely wish to point out that this wasn't even mentioned. had she had a son fond of dresses, I believe that cross-dressing would have at least been considered.
What is the point of asking her those questions?
No matter how she answers, at her age, the response has to be the same: let her be herself, love her, support her and wait to see what happens.
No matter how she answers, at her age, the response has to be the same: let her be herself, love her, support her and wait to see what happens.
1
I think that that asking about what sex anyone wants to be, or is, owns, etc. is an incredibly rude question! It's nobody's business. If I were asked a question like that, it would make me very uncomfortable. Most of these comments advocate letting people be who they are. If that happens, the question wouldn't have to be asked.
1
Once it was common to treat preadolescences almost a different category, and accept their choices. It is certainly confusing to expect children to understand the LBGT+ dimension when there isn't a consensus. Let's be kind and let them work it through.
4
In a popular song in the 50', the cool guy wore "a white sport coat and a pink carnation, all dressed up for the dance," and no one questioned anyone's masculinity who dressed the same. And in 1955 the popular color combination was pink and grey for clothing and cars. If you didn't sport pink and grey you weren't "in."
Strange how gender color codes proliferated. But, "the times the are a changin'." Nowadays, the toughest macho dudes wear pink whenever they choose without being cast one way or another.
Of course, females have been wearing trousers for a very long time, but (and this is hard to imagine unless you are old enough to remember) when women very first wore them it signaled generally that they were identifying male.
I'm glad to see signs of gender neutrality, but I don't think we are quite ready for guys to wear dresses. Kilts have been recently attempted, but unsuccessfully. I don't think we'll ever get our heads around males in skirts. Perhaps its best for some bastions to remain.
Strange how gender color codes proliferated. But, "the times the are a changin'." Nowadays, the toughest macho dudes wear pink whenever they choose without being cast one way or another.
Of course, females have been wearing trousers for a very long time, but (and this is hard to imagine unless you are old enough to remember) when women very first wore them it signaled generally that they were identifying male.
I'm glad to see signs of gender neutrality, but I don't think we are quite ready for guys to wear dresses. Kilts have been recently attempted, but unsuccessfully. I don't think we'll ever get our heads around males in skirts. Perhaps its best for some bastions to remain.
1
I was a solid tomboy growing up. I liked things that boys liked and had a hard time making friends with fellow girls because my interests just didn't align with theirs. No one ever asked me about it. It just was what it was. I was never uncomfortable, but in middle school I did wonder if something was wrong with me because I didn't seem to have endless crushes on boys. (that came much later) I grew up to be a straight woman, no kids, and non apologetic for who I am. Parents who hover and worry about every little phase of a girl's life seriously need to back off.
6
I was labeled a tomboy too, about 68 years ago. I was not particularly interested in frilly dolls or fantasizing about princesses. I loved playing contact sports, horses and building things. I did a better job mowing the lawn than my brother did.
Fortunately, my dad saw me for who I really was, and started pointing out strong female role models, including the famous golfer Babe Dedrickson.
At age 27, I fell in love with a woman and felt like I was finally on the right planet.
The female/male continuum is full of mysteries and surprises. You just never know who's going to be attracted to whom, and what kind of work we each like to do. I'm sorry but not surprised that people insist on assigning a particular gender identity to each person. It's much more freeing to just let it fly, and allow for creative change all along the way.
Fortunately, my dad saw me for who I really was, and started pointing out strong female role models, including the famous golfer Babe Dedrickson.
At age 27, I fell in love with a woman and felt like I was finally on the right planet.
The female/male continuum is full of mysteries and surprises. You just never know who's going to be attracted to whom, and what kind of work we each like to do. I'm sorry but not surprised that people insist on assigning a particular gender identity to each person. It's much more freeing to just let it fly, and allow for creative change all along the way.
7
Find yourself and be yourself--And let other people be themselves. How difficult is that?
I grew up with tomboys in the neighborhood and at school, and later was buddies with some of the girl jocks at college. I can't recall ever questioning women who wanted to do things that went beyond traditional, narrowly defined, gender role stuff. My mother made sure that I knew how to cook the basics and mend my own clothes, telling me that she wasn't always going to be around to do it for me, and my dad agreed. Children of the Great Depression who both grew up in single parent families understood that self-reliance was necessary. --No artificial limitations should be imposed on one's skill sets.
So what's with the current fuss? Full and equal rights and respect for all. And understanding of all as well. Let tomboys be tomboys. Same for LGBT people. Understand and respect other people, and don't try to turn them into what you think they should be.
I grew up with tomboys in the neighborhood and at school, and later was buddies with some of the girl jocks at college. I can't recall ever questioning women who wanted to do things that went beyond traditional, narrowly defined, gender role stuff. My mother made sure that I knew how to cook the basics and mend my own clothes, telling me that she wasn't always going to be around to do it for me, and my dad agreed. Children of the Great Depression who both grew up in single parent families understood that self-reliance was necessary. --No artificial limitations should be imposed on one's skill sets.
So what's with the current fuss? Full and equal rights and respect for all. And understanding of all as well. Let tomboys be tomboys. Same for LGBT people. Understand and respect other people, and don't try to turn them into what you think they should be.
3
My son used to get called she/her a lot until the last year only because he had waist length blond hair, he has grown enough physically in the last year, that now it just leaves people confused. One of his best friends is a girl that has short hair, wears rugged clothes, is quite handy with a range of Nerf guns, and a voracious gamer. Particularly for kids in late adolescence and early teens, they do what they want to do, paying no heed to the social 'rules' and stereotypes, unless they were pressed in that direction by their parents. Let them be what they are. My son is no less a young man, and his friend is no less a young women, because of it.
6
I notice several comments saying that the number of people who are trans is "a tiny percentage" and "an infinitely small number" and therefore we shouldn't assume gender non-conforming kids are trans. BUT - that's actually not the case. Current studies say that 1.4% of the population is likely to be transgender. That's neither a tiny percentage or an infinitely small number. That a pretty significant chunk of the US population. I grew up thinking that wearing boys clothes and pursuing traditionally male interests were enough to make my feelings of dysphoria go away - I was a "tomboy" because that was sort of okay for girls to be. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that I acknowledged, finally, that my body shape was the real problem, and just wearing clothes and enjoying interests wasn't fixing the issue. I really think Lisa is doing her best, but she does need to ask her daughter some questions beyond what she's talked about in this article, specifically about how her daughter feels about her body, especially as she gets older and starts changing shape.
1
This is the great dilemma the transgender rights movement has forced on us. You are right to make the argument partly based on the 1.4% number (although I find that number highly controversial) because if there are lots of transgender kids then the situation looks different. Based on your experience, and with help from the 1.4% number, you think you know better than Lisa how she should speak with her child. The upshot of Lisa's writing, and of many of the comments here, is that when parents deploy something as powerful as the transgender binary and ideology on their children there is a great danger of harm, of providing inappropriate categories that can't but seem to be endorsed by the parents, no matter how they couch the questions. The harm is the sexual and gender self-doubt created in children and young people who are at a critical time in their development. It is a huge thing to suggest to children that they are dysphoric and might require surgery and hormone treatment to right themselves.
5
That was me in the late fifties and early sixties. I hate girl clothes and shoes: they were horribly uncomfortable back then. My mother fought me about this my entire life: every time I saw her, she criticized my hair, or lack of make-up, or lack of a bra, or my comfortable shoes, or something. I was always wrong.
I make a lot of my clothes so I can have comfortable, well-fitting clothes. But I was called on the carpet at work because somebody thought one pair of home-made pants was my "pajamas." (I teach at a rural community college part-time. It's not Wall St, y'all.) There was also a false rumor that I had come to school barefooted.
Gender role noncomformity can be a tough row to hoe, but it beats hoeing corn in a girdle and stockings, as my grandmother did.
I make a lot of my clothes so I can have comfortable, well-fitting clothes. But I was called on the carpet at work because somebody thought one pair of home-made pants was my "pajamas." (I teach at a rural community college part-time. It's not Wall St, y'all.) There was also a false rumor that I had come to school barefooted.
Gender role noncomformity can be a tough row to hoe, but it beats hoeing corn in a girdle and stockings, as my grandmother did.
3
I met a few girls like your daughter when I was teaching elementary school. I would never ask a child to define what gender they are or think they are. I think that is inappropriate. The child is still developing an image of who they are. Adults: sit back and allow the child to dress and behave the way they want. Your job is to be supportive of their decisions.
Women are all degrees of feminine and masculine. I'm so glad I'm still a tomboy!
Women are all degrees of feminine and masculine. I'm so glad I'm still a tomboy!
4
I discovered as a pre-teen that the tomboys among us were far and away the best female friends and companions you could find. A few years later, they were also more fun to date. Watching my own granddaughters now, I have one of three who has a good chance of becoming a tomboy. My wife would not self-identify as a tomboy, but her favorite toy as a child was a pile of bricks she would use to construct houses and castles, and her favorite hobbies are probably hiking and travel.
Later, as a hiring manager, most of the women I hired as engineers or technical writers had grown up as tomboys. Some others did not have the chance, but did have the attitude and had to be shown how to "throw (a ball) like a boy" not to "throw like a girl"--by my admin, who was the pitcher on a fast-pitch softball team.
One of the great strengths of this country has long been allowing young girls to become tomboys if they choose. May it continue.
Later, as a hiring manager, most of the women I hired as engineers or technical writers had grown up as tomboys. Some others did not have the chance, but did have the attitude and had to be shown how to "throw (a ball) like a boy" not to "throw like a girl"--by my admin, who was the pitcher on a fast-pitch softball team.
One of the great strengths of this country has long been allowing young girls to become tomboys if they choose. May it continue.
2
In the sixties there were plenty of tomboys at school; woulda been one myself if I could throw better!
I expected then that boundaries would always be expanding for girls -wrong-
Forward to my 4yr old daughter (raised mostly out of country) being called boy even after stripping off (blue) wetsuit and playing bare naked (short hair).
Shopping online for toys, Girls or Boys was the First madatory selection. Boys got 200 more choices. Seriously.
She is a teen now and more obviously a girl despite being a tomboy at heart.
I expected then that boundaries would always be expanding for girls -wrong-
Forward to my 4yr old daughter (raised mostly out of country) being called boy even after stripping off (blue) wetsuit and playing bare naked (short hair).
Shopping online for toys, Girls or Boys was the First madatory selection. Boys got 200 more choices. Seriously.
She is a teen now and more obviously a girl despite being a tomboy at heart.
1
Our heterosexual son decided in preschool that he was a pacifist, avoiding boys whose play involved weapons or rough physical contact. At 3 he announced that "God is a She, of course." In second grade he came home from school, stating the teacher went around the room asking students to share their favorite color. At home we knew he preferred pink in his artwork, but this day he laughed and said, "Mine is still pink, but I said copper, as a diversion!"
3
This article is great. The comments highlight the ridiculousness of our culture: liking cars or ties or dinosaurs or sports is not an indication of gender identity! For heavens sake - in 2017 can girls and women not enjoy short hair and playing in dirt without it being a political statement? What if Rosie the riveter just liked riveting? Can boys not hold baby dolls and make tea without someone questioning their gender identity? Why do we insist that young children model 1950s era interests when most of their parents do not? I've yet to see research associating playing with dinosaurs and any gender identification. I dare to guess many paleontologists would be appalled at the suggestion such an interest sheds any light on gender or sexuality. To be clear, of course greater sensitivity is wonderful, but every passing interest of a child should not be met with the gravity of a life altering decision.
3
I totally agree with this article. But I would go further and connect it to the society's preoccupation with gender reassignment. Tolerance and acceptance of transgendered people is certainly commendable, but surgery --the possibility of surgery-- can become a hammer in search of a nail. Kids like the author's daughter can be pressured to think they have a problem that needs to be "fixed" and that attitude,acted upon or not, can further narrow our concept of what a male or female human being should be. I was very much like this little girl. I hated girls' clothing growing up and favored jeans and work shirts. When I was 13 I got a severe hair cut and I passed myself off as a boy at summer camp --even while in the throws of passionate love for a series of adolescent boys. I hated being the "girl" I was told I had t o be. That is much different from wanting to be a boy ( although there is much confusion on that point even for the young girl). The Women's Movement showed me that my childhood intuition was right: the role of girl was--and remains-- oppressive and deliberately debilitating.
7
Simple question, why is it that the same people who demand we be tolerant spend so much time trying to label people, including children? Simple answer, they drive their political agenda and make money off of all of us by doing so
4
Author writes an entire great article about having a daughter that does things or dresses in ways that are stereotypically boyish, and how that doesn't make her transgender, it just makes her a girl that likes those things/styles ... and then ruins the entire argument by labeling her a "tomboy" in the headline and accepting that label for her from other people (per the article).
The moment the mother still allowed her to be called a "tomboy", she just began conforming to the exact gender stereotypes she's railing against. What a shame.
Get rid of the word "tomboy". Let girls that like these things or these styles just be girls that like these things or these styles. Don't give them a label that STILL makes it seem like they're inherently "boyish".
The moment the mother still allowed her to be called a "tomboy", she just began conforming to the exact gender stereotypes she's railing against. What a shame.
Get rid of the word "tomboy". Let girls that like these things or these styles just be girls that like these things or these styles. Don't give them a label that STILL makes it seem like they're inherently "boyish".
2
Perhaps the teachers and pediatricians have been trained to ask all children these questions.
My hope is that it's explained to your daughter that most likely these people are just trying to help - they mean well - and do not have any ill-intent or bad motives behind their questions. Helping our children to discern the difference between good intentions versus mean-spiritedness is important.
Children who ask might be well-meaning and curious, and your daughter could answer anyway she wants to, or say, "I don't want to talk about it, let's do something else."
As an American Born Asian, I have lived my life with colleagues, co-workers, acquaintances, strangers asking questions or saying things that have offended me, or, could be taken as offensive. Such as "you don't have an accent" (from a person who knew I was born and raised in the US) or "you Asians are born with that math gene" (I wasn't so gifted) or the one question all racial and ethnic minorities have heard, "What are you?"
I've even had strangers (usually white men) approach me and start speaking some foreign language that I don't understand - they assume I am Japanese, Korean, Hmong. Depending on the circumstances, that can be offensive, and when it is, I've said so to the speaker.
But I try to discern the motivation of the speaker before I decide if I'm offended or not. Most times, the speaker is well meaning - ignorant perhaps, or socially awkward - but well meaning.
My hope is that it's explained to your daughter that most likely these people are just trying to help - they mean well - and do not have any ill-intent or bad motives behind their questions. Helping our children to discern the difference between good intentions versus mean-spiritedness is important.
Children who ask might be well-meaning and curious, and your daughter could answer anyway she wants to, or say, "I don't want to talk about it, let's do something else."
As an American Born Asian, I have lived my life with colleagues, co-workers, acquaintances, strangers asking questions or saying things that have offended me, or, could be taken as offensive. Such as "you don't have an accent" (from a person who knew I was born and raised in the US) or "you Asians are born with that math gene" (I wasn't so gifted) or the one question all racial and ethnic minorities have heard, "What are you?"
I've even had strangers (usually white men) approach me and start speaking some foreign language that I don't understand - they assume I am Japanese, Korean, Hmong. Depending on the circumstances, that can be offensive, and when it is, I've said so to the speaker.
But I try to discern the motivation of the speaker before I decide if I'm offended or not. Most times, the speaker is well meaning - ignorant perhaps, or socially awkward - but well meaning.
1
Rather than honoring gender choices, let's disassemble gender roles and the assumptions we make based on them. To do so we would have to treat everyone equally everyone would have to meet the expectations of equality. Girls would change tires and fight wars and men would cook and clean house and vice-versa. No hiding behind gender roles and no abuses of power based on them.
As it is is no one should be trapped in a gender that doesn't speak to them, but gender is tedious because it keeps gender roles alive.
As it is is no one should be trapped in a gender that doesn't speak to them, but gender is tedious because it keeps gender roles alive.
3
I loved your article, and your spirited daughter sounds like a gem.
1
If your "friends" keep asking you if your daughter "wants to be a boy," then it's time to get new and smarter friends.
6
Is it ok that the teacher asked in the first place instead of behind the scene " rumblings " ?
This sounds like my daughter, who at 6, loves all things traditionally labeled "boy" but says she is a girl and has no apparent dysphoria about her girl body. In thinking about transgender kids, I found myself wondering, like this author, if we push many "gender nonconforming" kids too soon into the opposite gender without letting them grow up first and explore the full breadth of what each biologic sex can be. Perhaps if we let boys act like we think girls should act, and let girls act like we think boys should act, without labeling them or gender roles, they can grow into healthy, albeit maybe nontraditional, men and women.
4
I wonder if it is not an invasion of a child's privacy
to write such an essay about one's daughter.
I have no idea if your daughter will have a
"Pink Princess" period or not.
But you seem to have some sort of agenda,
that may not be your daughter's at all,
that you project upon her.
to write such an essay about one's daughter.
I have no idea if your daughter will have a
"Pink Princess" period or not.
But you seem to have some sort of agenda,
that may not be your daughter's at all,
that you project upon her.
2
I am happy for the column but wish it was not necessary.
1
ever think that norms and traditions exist for reasons? Quite frankly, this trans movement seems like it only exists because after gay rights were won, the left needed another way to whip up voters. Wake up Democrats; you basically tossed your election prospects away in non-deep-blue states at all levels!
3
you want your daughter to know she is awesome for not giving in to pressure to be and look a certain way. You tell us how delighted you are she rejected the princess look. What if she changed and wanted to be a model and do beauty pageants? Can you honestly say you would be supportive if she made those choices? If so, you are the awesome mom.
2
Think Jean Louise Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird - Scout!
Finally! The NYT Op-ed highlights something I've suspected. Some educators/school systems are pushing transgender identification on kids.
8
Rock on Mom and daughter. Time for 'adults' to mind their own business and allow kids to be kids while figuring life out for themselves.
1
No two people are alike. Our genomes are infinitely different!
That’s why DNA is a forensic science. Yet society INSISTS on a binary system. Male. female.
We all live on a continuum of humanity. Today the NY Times says that Harry Truman had the “manly attribute” of being faithful to one’s inner beliefs.
Why is that “manly?” How about a human attribute?
Bossy vs assertive. Nags vs positive criticism.
And can the NY Times just get rid of its “Style” section and Society page of weddings? On Inauguration Day more words were printed on Trump’s ill-fitting $6,000 Brioni suit and the First Lady’s style mirroring a Jackie Kennedy than the speech itself! Does ANYONE remember what our 45th POTUS said?
Well Bush 43 was overheard to have said after the speech: “That was weird!”
Let’s step into the 21st century. Puritans came here to America and we have been straining to catch up to reality ever since!
That’s why DNA is a forensic science. Yet society INSISTS on a binary system. Male. female.
We all live on a continuum of humanity. Today the NY Times says that Harry Truman had the “manly attribute” of being faithful to one’s inner beliefs.
Why is that “manly?” How about a human attribute?
Bossy vs assertive. Nags vs positive criticism.
And can the NY Times just get rid of its “Style” section and Society page of weddings? On Inauguration Day more words were printed on Trump’s ill-fitting $6,000 Brioni suit and the First Lady’s style mirroring a Jackie Kennedy than the speech itself! Does ANYONE remember what our 45th POTUS said?
Well Bush 43 was overheard to have said after the speech: “That was weird!”
Let’s step into the 21st century. Puritans came here to America and we have been straining to catch up to reality ever since!
2
What an interesting little essay. And what an interesting discussion in these comments. Both the writer and the responders bring up points that I'd never thought about. Thank all of you!
My son loved to act, dance, sing, and always wanted to play with his sisters' toys. I was deeply uncomfortable at first - and wanted him to be a "boy's boy". I have nothing against gays, but I'll admit I worried about my son turning out to be gay. He's in college now - he's a man - dates a beautiful (and strong) girl, and is still one of the best dancers anyone has met.
1
This is exactly the problem with the transgender movement - the way it ossifies gender roles. Why is it so important to choose one or the other?
3
Sheesh - years ago when I lived in Germany with my German husband, an American friend said something like "You wouldn't believe it, but a bunch of Barbie dolls have captured the feminist movement over there."
American women have perverted gender identity and gender issues to revolve around makeup, appearance, tooth whiteners and all manner of surface "issues" - like so many posting here, I grew up sort of a bookish tomboy, got that chemistry set at age 10, was actually pushed toward a technical career in the 50's because my grades and aptitude when in that direction. I really don't remember anyone questioning my gender, just the occasional outward behavioral choice.
While women in Germany where we lived for 20 years had women's issues, I do not remember any serious discussions with close friends about makeup, shoes, clothes, etc. other than which store had good offerings and the like. Neat and tidy appearance were expected, but certainly not the slavish attention to "fashion" here right now. Women there were also more independent and didn't behave as clique oriented as here where even adult women act like jr. high mean girls.
There are similar corresponding issues now for men as well.
It certainly would help many if we would perhaps look more closely at the PERSON and the CHARACTER and the BEHAVIOR rather than "gender identity". Of course, as with most things - gender identity issues can be monetized and the good old American mantra is "make money, make money".
American women have perverted gender identity and gender issues to revolve around makeup, appearance, tooth whiteners and all manner of surface "issues" - like so many posting here, I grew up sort of a bookish tomboy, got that chemistry set at age 10, was actually pushed toward a technical career in the 50's because my grades and aptitude when in that direction. I really don't remember anyone questioning my gender, just the occasional outward behavioral choice.
While women in Germany where we lived for 20 years had women's issues, I do not remember any serious discussions with close friends about makeup, shoes, clothes, etc. other than which store had good offerings and the like. Neat and tidy appearance were expected, but certainly not the slavish attention to "fashion" here right now. Women there were also more independent and didn't behave as clique oriented as here where even adult women act like jr. high mean girls.
There are similar corresponding issues now for men as well.
It certainly would help many if we would perhaps look more closely at the PERSON and the CHARACTER and the BEHAVIOR rather than "gender identity". Of course, as with most things - gender identity issues can be monetized and the good old American mantra is "make money, make money".
Liberal adults trying to impose their gender identity political agendas on kids. 'Sad.
5
Stand up for your kid. You are doing the right thing.
2
Ladies, I think our next step is to stop referring to ourselves as "tomboys". We are just females. We need to stop justifying our love of sports, and short hair, and climbing trees.
If someone asks if she's a tomboy say "She's just a girl".
If someone asks if she's a tomboy say "She's just a girl".
I used to say "no, she's an athlete".
When I read an article like this it reminds me of how often we Americans get it wrong due to ignorance, prejudice, or just plain stupidity.
Considering all the benefits America has had with education and improved opportunity one would think we would be more enlightened regarding sexuality and parenting.
But just the opposite is occurring with the further dumbing down of America including those who are still celebrating the election of one of the least enlightened presidents ever elected.
Shame on us and shame on a country that is so selfishly squandering the gifts we have received!
Considering all the benefits America has had with education and improved opportunity one would think we would be more enlightened regarding sexuality and parenting.
But just the opposite is occurring with the further dumbing down of America including those who are still celebrating the election of one of the least enlightened presidents ever elected.
Shame on us and shame on a country that is so selfishly squandering the gifts we have received!
1
Bravo. Well said.
I know a woman who went to the supreme court(Canada) as a young teenager to be allowed to play on a boys hockey team and won. Many years later she mentioned how isolated her family felt at the time. Oddly I remembered her case being discussed in the change room of our pick up hockey group. Every single guy thought she should be allowed to play. My daughter currently plays in a league where she is one of two females playing. She likes dresses high heels doing her hair etc but has biceps that would be envied by some men. Cloths don't define who you are.
2
This article raises some truly important questions surrounding social pressure to behave like a "real" girl (or boy). In doing so, it highlights the tension that arises in tandem with the critical recognition of transgender people and their rights, which is that the ability to move to align gender expression with an internal sense of self (critical for many people), at the same time, reinforces the idea of gender as a binary. One is either a man or a woman, and if gender expression doesn't align with morphological sex, the solution is to bring them into alignment. I would suggest that that is only one solution. Another option (not a replacement option, but an additional one) would be to keep working to embrace what your daughter knows: that gender expression can and should be more fluid than rigid norms of what it means to be a "real" girl or a "real" boy.
8
So many of us recognizing ourselves in this childhood experience. I am glad there are and always have been mothers who recognize the wisdom of letting children follow the natural desire to choose their own way. I am glad there are children who continue to do it. And may this young girl always stay strong.
8
Thank you for writing this. My youngest daughter likes cars, trains, dinosaurs, wearing boy shirts and eschews dresses and anything frilly. I really dislike it when people including family members refer to her as gender non-conforming. She is three and she likes what she likes, it's not a big deal and she isn't anything but herself. She isn't transgender, she is her own person and I plan on nurturing her interests and clothing choice. She doesn't need a label, she doesn't need to be lumped into a new category, she is not part of a sub-culture. She is a three year old who likes to play with the boys and has a strong opinion on what she wants to wear. I am so glad to know there is another mother out there who feels the same way.
17
I so appreciate this article. As a tomboy who grew up in the rural Midwest, sometimes I feel like my freedom to be me there was questioned less than when I moved to the enlightened coasts. Your daughter is my heroine -- and my two daughters' heroine -- too.
7
A fascinating and positive article. The desire to categorize brings to mind the question relating to one's ethnicity, "what are you?" which will hopefully someday be considered as bad mannered as "how much money do you make?"
My junior year in high school about half the student body walked off campus to pressure the school to allow girls to wear pants (we won). In high school my son never knew whether his good friend was gay or straight, Filipino or Mexican, because nobody cared. We adults have so much to learn.
My junior year in high school about half the student body walked off campus to pressure the school to allow girls to wear pants (we won). In high school my son never knew whether his good friend was gay or straight, Filipino or Mexican, because nobody cared. We adults have so much to learn.
4
Boys and girls aren't supposed to play on the same sports teams for obvious reasons. Ditto men and women. Otherwise, this article is a breath of fresh air. The current transgender movement has been enforcing sex stereotypes, and, although this article doesn't explicitly state it, the movement is homophobic. Boys and girls who grow up to be gay men and lesbians often don't conform to sex stereotypes, but few ever want to be the opposite sex.
8
While I applaud your commitment to breaking gender stereotypes, as a trans and gay man I'd like to point out that the "trans movement" is committed to undoing the gender binary. Those of us who DO identify with either end of the spectrum yet were born with the physical characteristics of the other side tend to hyper masculinize or feminize in order to be recognized as our true gender. While there is no excuse for doubting someone's identity, there is room for confusion.
I was lucky to be a tomboy who excelled at sports, all sports. When I grew up, married and had children, I still liked to row, run and play games, and my children loved it. Now in my mid-seventies I am reaping the good news from all those sport competitions and exercise. Being a woman doesn't preclude any activities. You can be what you want to be and enjoy it.
6
.
Bravo!
Human identity is more nuanced, complex and multi-faceted than most of us understand. We should avoid shallow definitions and labels -- which is tantamount to mental laziness. Let's consider that we have not had an adequate framework or identity model in the past. Consider this model:
body + soul = being
mind + heart = awareness
self + others = connectedness
This new model can be represented in sculpture by a cube balanced on one of its points. Knowing yourself will help you know others; self-respect and social respect are natural corollaries. Your daughter's example can help us reach for a deeper understanding of each other -- a classic heroine's role.
Bravo!
Human identity is more nuanced, complex and multi-faceted than most of us understand. We should avoid shallow definitions and labels -- which is tantamount to mental laziness. Let's consider that we have not had an adequate framework or identity model in the past. Consider this model:
body + soul = being
mind + heart = awareness
self + others = connectedness
This new model can be represented in sculpture by a cube balanced on one of its points. Knowing yourself will help you know others; self-respect and social respect are natural corollaries. Your daughter's example can help us reach for a deeper understanding of each other -- a classic heroine's role.
2
Interesting article, and good for your daughter!
One comment: You say that "She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams." If she has not figured that out yet, you are doing your daughter a significant disservice by not explaining to her in frank terms the biological reasons and the legal reasons. (Title IX). They are, of course, related.
One comment: You say that "She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams." If she has not figured that out yet, you are doing your daughter a significant disservice by not explaining to her in frank terms the biological reasons and the legal reasons. (Title IX). They are, of course, related.
Beautiful piece, thank you. I'm a radiologist who reads X-rays, CT scans, MR scans, ultrasounds etc. Under our skin, all humans look really similar except for a few obvious exceptions that differentiate males from females. The vast majority of our anatomy, though, is extremely similar across the entire species.
Recognizing this, and seeing it daily as I work, I find it hard to understand why some people keep getting so hung up about differences in skin color, in the shape of a nose or of eyelids, or in a couple of other body parts that differ between the sexes, when the vast majority of our parts do not differ.
I think we are slowly growing beyond superficial, petty preconceptions. Your article contributes to that growth.
The newfound wisdom that will arise from a greater acceptance and celebration of our diversity, paired with recognition of our inherent relatedness, can't come soon enough.
Thank you and best wishes to you and your daughter. May she and females of all ages thrive as they exercise the courage to be themselves. And may they help lead the world at all levels going forward. We need their input and contributions.
Recognizing this, and seeing it daily as I work, I find it hard to understand why some people keep getting so hung up about differences in skin color, in the shape of a nose or of eyelids, or in a couple of other body parts that differ between the sexes, when the vast majority of our parts do not differ.
I think we are slowly growing beyond superficial, petty preconceptions. Your article contributes to that growth.
The newfound wisdom that will arise from a greater acceptance and celebration of our diversity, paired with recognition of our inherent relatedness, can't come soon enough.
Thank you and best wishes to you and your daughter. May she and females of all ages thrive as they exercise the courage to be themselves. And may they help lead the world at all levels going forward. We need their input and contributions.
What I wonder about, regarding these matters about what are, in the end, very young people, is what could happen later in life, after they have fully matured.
While supporting trans rights, I also am aware that human beings are not at all as predictable as we might wish. And so someday, I expect to read about a lawsuit brought about by an adult against his or her parents, who, when they were still too young to actually consent, was given powerful life- and body-changing drugs and who know feels they were wronged by that albeit well-intentioned parental choice.
Human sexuality and gender will never become fully calculable and controllable. Is that not the bigger lesson we have learned? We can never solve the mysteries of these things, we can only try to adjust and learn. But adjusting and learning is greatly different from mastering. Some things, one can never master. Beware feeling to confident when dealing with these matters, I would suggest.
While supporting trans rights, I also am aware that human beings are not at all as predictable as we might wish. And so someday, I expect to read about a lawsuit brought about by an adult against his or her parents, who, when they were still too young to actually consent, was given powerful life- and body-changing drugs and who know feels they were wronged by that albeit well-intentioned parental choice.
Human sexuality and gender will never become fully calculable and controllable. Is that not the bigger lesson we have learned? We can never solve the mysteries of these things, we can only try to adjust and learn. But adjusting and learning is greatly different from mastering. Some things, one can never master. Beware feeling to confident when dealing with these matters, I would suggest.
9
Your daughter is the kind of girls that I grew up with, playing sports and all kinds of games. They were so cool to hang out with. And they still are. We boys didn't see them as girls who couldn't do what we did. There was no way that we could put a good team together without girls.
Throughout college these so-called non-conforming girls were and still are some of my best friends, even after they have married and have families. These cool girls apparently had cool parents who let them be themselves, as all parents should do. My girlfriend's favorite store is Home Depot, not Neiman Marcus. She is always building, repairing or decorating and can handle any type of tool. Yet, she is also a gourmet cook and can make clothing, paint, play piano, quilt, and enjoys auto racing. She could be a sports commentator since she knows details and rules of so many after playing them.
Our daughter follows in mom's shadow. She too is comfortable competing with guys in sports or simply hanging out with her many male friends who are like brothers. Other girls have been envious of my girlfriend and daughter as they grew up because they always had the attention of, and could easily handle boys. They are super confident in themselves and do not need affirmation from men to make them feel secure.
Throughout college these so-called non-conforming girls were and still are some of my best friends, even after they have married and have families. These cool girls apparently had cool parents who let them be themselves, as all parents should do. My girlfriend's favorite store is Home Depot, not Neiman Marcus. She is always building, repairing or decorating and can handle any type of tool. Yet, she is also a gourmet cook and can make clothing, paint, play piano, quilt, and enjoys auto racing. She could be a sports commentator since she knows details and rules of so many after playing them.
Our daughter follows in mom's shadow. She too is comfortable competing with guys in sports or simply hanging out with her many male friends who are like brothers. Other girls have been envious of my girlfriend and daughter as they grew up because they always had the attention of, and could easily handle boys. They are super confident in themselves and do not need affirmation from men to make them feel secure.
This article articulated something that has been bothering deeply for some time now. I am female (biologically, mentally) and have never thought myself anything else. But growing up, I loved sports in a small town with few opportunities for sporty girls; so I was the only girl on my soccer team, the only girl in the entire Little League, the only girl who took part in elementary school football tournaments. I was also the top student in math and science all through my school years, and loved physics in particular. I wore dresses to church, pants and T-shirts the rest of the time. I liked Barbies, hard math problems, Girl Scouts, baseball cards, and building secret forts in the woods. I fought physical fights.
Many found me a formidable or offputting girl; others were impressed. But times were different and nobody ever suggested I might actually be a boy. If I had been transgender, this might have been oppressive in itself; we've come a long way, as the article says. But I'm not a boy, and I would have found it deeply disconcerting if people had constantly suggested I was. And kids are impressionable. If it had been repeatedly suggested that my love of sports (and friendship with male teammates) made me "really" a boy - well, it wouldn't have made me feel any more male, but it might have made me quit Little League. I worry that many non-gender-conforming kids are finding their worlds a little smaller, Little League a little less possible, today.
Many found me a formidable or offputting girl; others were impressed. But times were different and nobody ever suggested I might actually be a boy. If I had been transgender, this might have been oppressive in itself; we've come a long way, as the article says. But I'm not a boy, and I would have found it deeply disconcerting if people had constantly suggested I was. And kids are impressionable. If it had been repeatedly suggested that my love of sports (and friendship with male teammates) made me "really" a boy - well, it wouldn't have made me feel any more male, but it might have made me quit Little League. I worry that many non-gender-conforming kids are finding their worlds a little smaller, Little League a little less possible, today.
16
My daughters wore short hair and skinned knees along with nail polish and frills. They enjoyed Tonka trucks, right along with their Barbies. They were fortunate to have grown up in the "Free to Be, You and Me" generation rather than a generation forced to make choices between an infinite array of labels. They were certainly called "Tomboy," but that never made them one. They were, and still are, individuals who feel free to make their own choices about how to express and enjoy themselves and others. The qualities they use to assess themselves and others are not gender based. Growing up in the 70's and 80's gave them that option.
7
We should let kids tell us who they are instead of putting labels and societal expectations on them. We are often told who we are because society tells us who we are or we should be - maybe it's time we evolved and stopped putting people in boxes. What someone wears, what they're into, what colors they prefer, toys they play with doesn't always telegraph who a person is and what sexuality they are - maybe they just like those things? If we stop stereotyping people and just accept people for who they are and allow them to be completely themselves we would be a much better and open society.
4
Perhaps some other commenters have suggested this, but if not,
I encourage readers to try and find, and then watch, the film "tomboy" by
the french director Celine Sciamma (from 2011). It tells the
story of this article with great subtlety and sensitivity.
I encourage readers to try and find, and then watch, the film "tomboy" by
the french director Celine Sciamma (from 2011). It tells the
story of this article with great subtlety and sensitivity.
2
Although this mother is annoyed by people assuming that her gender non-conforming daughter might be transgender, in our current society girls who are "tomboys" are often praised and encouraged for being "sporty and strong". Every day I see campaigns aimed at supporting "mighty girls" and encouraging participation in STEM and sports.
Unfortunately for gender non-conforming boys, there is a huge double standard and these boys do NOT hear praise for liking activities that are stereotypically "feminine" or for things like choosing to have long hair.
How do I know? I also am used to correcting strangers - who mistake my 10 year-old son for a girl 100 percent of the time.
I'm still waiting for public support that embraces and encourages a broader diversity of what it means to "be a boy". The "boy" gender stereotype box is currently uncomfortably small and when boys dare to be non-conforming their individuality does not get the level of support often extended to those "sporty and strong" girls.
Unfortunately for gender non-conforming boys, there is a huge double standard and these boys do NOT hear praise for liking activities that are stereotypically "feminine" or for things like choosing to have long hair.
How do I know? I also am used to correcting strangers - who mistake my 10 year-old son for a girl 100 percent of the time.
I'm still waiting for public support that embraces and encourages a broader diversity of what it means to "be a boy". The "boy" gender stereotype box is currently uncomfortably small and when boys dare to be non-conforming their individuality does not get the level of support often extended to those "sporty and strong" girls.
19
I loved this op-ed, nearly every paragraph made me smile. Enough of the labeling. Tell your daughter every day that you love her and that she is the most special child in the world -- that's what I did and my now nearly 18 year old is totally self confident and unafraid and most importantly can set boundaries.
2
One thing I do wish for is if manufacturers made girl pant suits for synagogue or church. My daughter doesn't love dresses but still identifies as a girl. True acceptance of gender diversity would stop making gender so binary. It's weird to me that the movement to accept and support trans people has also managed to define gender, especially children's gender, so sharply.
3
I turned 67 yesterday. When I was a child, I loved the monkey bars because I liked climbing anything. Most of my friends were boys. And I wore pants any chance I got (though we weren't allowed to wear them to school in my day). I still do. But I wore a dress and heels last night when my son took me for a birthday dinner. Just as I used to dress up as a princess for Halloween when I was a kid. I felt beautiful and enjoyed it. Pants are just more practical for my life most of the time.
I've always been a girl. But, since I grew up, I've always been a strong woman with a career and my own home.
Most of my friends are now women. But they're strong, independent women like me. Not like the girls I thought were silly when I was growing up. I think your daughter will be like us and we'll be glad to welcome her. The world needs more women like us.
I've always been a girl. But, since I grew up, I've always been a strong woman with a career and my own home.
Most of my friends are now women. But they're strong, independent women like me. Not like the girls I thought were silly when I was growing up. I think your daughter will be like us and we'll be glad to welcome her. The world needs more women like us.
3
I really hate this kind of tripe.
"Can't she just be who she is?"
Who is saying she can't? No one of course. It's just another way of denigrating the fight for equality that transgender people are fighting.
"Can't I be allowed to pray?" is the corollary non-existent restriction for people who want to force their religion on others.
"Can't she just be who she is?"
Who is saying she can't? No one of course. It's just another way of denigrating the fight for equality that transgender people are fighting.
"Can't I be allowed to pray?" is the corollary non-existent restriction for people who want to force their religion on others.
1
As the author pointed out, she has had to point out REPEATEDLY to teachers, doctors, ... that the girl just enjoys physically challenging activities.
Adults, especially those in positions of authority, need to learn how to take a hint. By REPEATEDLY questioning the girl and her mother they are pushing their own agenda on that child.
Indeed, she DOES have to fight to be who she is in those situations.
Adults, especially those in positions of authority, need to learn how to take a hint. By REPEATEDLY questioning the girl and her mother they are pushing their own agenda on that child.
Indeed, she DOES have to fight to be who she is in those situations.
2
Are you suggesting that the author is lying and she has not been asked to confirm her daughter's gender repeatedly because the daughter likes sports and doesn't dress where typically "girly" clothes? Or are you suggesting that the daughter is, in fact, transgendered and the author won't accept this fact?
Either way, your comment is written in bad faith. Transgender issues are not the only gender issues that we are allowed to address in public fora in this country.
Either way, your comment is written in bad faith. Transgender issues are not the only gender issues that we are allowed to address in public fora in this country.
3
There are things in the 21st century - as there are in all centuries - that will be looked upon with horror by people of succeeding centuries. Many of those practices which we find abhorent today were visited on humanity by practitioners of the mental health professions. These have included hysterectomies, electro-shock therapy, insulin-shock therapy and lobotomy. Homosexuals were chemically castrated thanks to the ignorance of psychiatry compounded by the ignorance and cruelty of the law. Today we give children drugs to prevent the onset of puberty and when the time is right we mutilate their bodies to treat a condition which is in essence one of the mind. There is something almost biblical about it:
"If thy right eye offend thee pluck it out and cast it from thee for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not thy whole body be cast into hell" - Mathew 5:29
Psychiatry isn't all that far removed from religion is it? Postmodern theorists claim that language creates reality. They would be more accurate in saying that language warps reality. Psychology and psychiatry have trapped us in words with no concrete reality but significant social reality. You can no more find the id or the ego in the the human body than you can find the soul. Gender is just one more word creating its own reality. Let the girl be a tomboy.
"If thy right eye offend thee pluck it out and cast it from thee for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not thy whole body be cast into hell" - Mathew 5:29
Psychiatry isn't all that far removed from religion is it? Postmodern theorists claim that language creates reality. They would be more accurate in saying that language warps reality. Psychology and psychiatry have trapped us in words with no concrete reality but significant social reality. You can no more find the id or the ego in the the human body than you can find the soul. Gender is just one more word creating its own reality. Let the girl be a tomboy.
9
Unbelievable. Why don't all the politically correct, over-intellectualized pinheads just leave this girl alone? Why try to place her into the new asinine categories that have been created by the thought police who have sadly emerged in the past several years?
So she wears her hair short and she likes to do things that appear to be counter to what "normal" girls do (whatever that means).
Good for her. Let her thrive as s human being who has made her own choices. And for those of you who don't understand, get a life and mind your own business.
So she wears her hair short and she likes to do things that appear to be counter to what "normal" girls do (whatever that means).
Good for her. Let her thrive as s human being who has made her own choices. And for those of you who don't understand, get a life and mind your own business.
7
It's not the girl who needs to be redefined.
It's the idiots who keep trying to pigeonhole those who to have their own path to walk who ought to have a cowbell dangling at their necks.
Wysiwyg: The child's herSELF fer bleep's sake!
How about "Myob" (mind your own business) as a name for those who need a unique handle to navigate their beclouded, fefuddle, bemused way through the universe?
It's the idiots who keep trying to pigeonhole those who to have their own path to walk who ought to have a cowbell dangling at their necks.
Wysiwyg: The child's herSELF fer bleep's sake!
How about "Myob" (mind your own business) as a name for those who need a unique handle to navigate their beclouded, fefuddle, bemused way through the universe?
5
This was me growing up in the 60's. I was never a girlie girl. I am heterosexual. Always had more friends that were boys. I never understood the all girl only parties and things.
6
Thank you! Why must everyone have a label? Why can't we take each individual on (there's the pronoun problem) his/her/? own terms and look deeper into the person.
I had a friend who presented herself as a woman, but who was heterosexual with male genitalia. She did not like to label herself and that made it harder for others. But the hardest part was that she, a brilliant academic, was denied employment and that, and other issues, not the least that it's even harder to find love the way she was, led to her suicide.
Let us try to take every person as uniquely precious and look beyond labels.
I had a friend who presented herself as a woman, but who was heterosexual with male genitalia. She did not like to label herself and that made it harder for others. But the hardest part was that she, a brilliant academic, was denied employment and that, and other issues, not the least that it's even harder to find love the way she was, led to her suicide.
Let us try to take every person as uniquely precious and look beyond labels.
Not all men are attracted to girlie girls, some of us like a woman who can change the oil in her car, does not life her life in fear and if trump every grabbed her crotch would give him a quick knee to his.
20
Who cares what men are or are not attracted to. That is not a good way to look at this. It's about what she wants, not about what might or might not make her pleasing to a man.
1
I know some pretty girlie girls who would also give a quick knee to a groper.
Its easier to not live in fear when you don't live somewhere with a high violent crime rate. Many women who are feminists who express no need for protection are likely protected by their community, the authorities, and loved ones, even though it may not be apparent. There are communities where women have little to no protection, and they face higher risks.
2
The problem is muddled by concrete thinking. Most children & adults achieve formal operations and a capacity to think abstractly, metaphorically- consider meaning beyond the immediate Thingness of stuff.
The concept of ambivalence requires more than concreteness of thought.
So the new embrace of the rights of the tiny% of people determined to use hormones & surgery to change their bodies has to recalibrate.
Imposing a concrete determination on a 7 year old may reflect a problem in adults and some clinicians.
Gender, sexuality, psychology, mentality--these are all in flux, along a spectrum.
Most mature & thoughtful adults imagine having what they don't - a penis or a womb, a dress or pants. This imagining is not a thwarted pressure to become transgendered.
Yes- there are true tomboys, gentle boys, metrosexuals, lovers and celibates, femmes & butches...folks who flip.
Maybe it is time to expand the defense of transgender rights to a broad recognition of nuance, individuality-- not with special mandated pronouns- but with a humane retreat from judgment. This would mean the ambivalent are not scolded, the elders are not tarred & feathered for stumbling over using 'They' for a person.
Open-heartedness must be broad.
The concept of ambivalence requires more than concreteness of thought.
So the new embrace of the rights of the tiny% of people determined to use hormones & surgery to change their bodies has to recalibrate.
Imposing a concrete determination on a 7 year old may reflect a problem in adults and some clinicians.
Gender, sexuality, psychology, mentality--these are all in flux, along a spectrum.
Most mature & thoughtful adults imagine having what they don't - a penis or a womb, a dress or pants. This imagining is not a thwarted pressure to become transgendered.
Yes- there are true tomboys, gentle boys, metrosexuals, lovers and celibates, femmes & butches...folks who flip.
Maybe it is time to expand the defense of transgender rights to a broad recognition of nuance, individuality-- not with special mandated pronouns- but with a humane retreat from judgment. This would mean the ambivalent are not scolded, the elders are not tarred & feathered for stumbling over using 'They' for a person.
Open-heartedness must be broad.
12
I am quite well charmed by the warm attitude shown by those who want to be sensitive to the girl's gender decisions. I applaud them for asking and her mother for supporting her. I also can't wait until its over.
It is so clear to me that gender is a cultural construct in the same way that race is. The physical characteristics that supposedly define either of those are actually cues that mislead as often as they inform.
Dark skin doesn't mean African or athletic or anything else. Penis or lack thereof doesn't mean tough or sensitive or anything else either. These things actually don't matter at all in the performance or character of a person. The girl in this story is just being herself in a way that fits her self-image and current needs. She's not 'being' a tomboy.
In our future utopia, when people have become their better selves, we will stop having male and female sports teams (the big, heavy person football league and the smaller, more graceful one, heavyweight and featherweight?) and we will no longer feel comfortable thinking about people in categories. Gender will be like clothing, what you choose for now.
People are infinitely varied and changeable. I can't wait for the time to come that we will all accept and honor them for it.
It is so clear to me that gender is a cultural construct in the same way that race is. The physical characteristics that supposedly define either of those are actually cues that mislead as often as they inform.
Dark skin doesn't mean African or athletic or anything else. Penis or lack thereof doesn't mean tough or sensitive or anything else either. These things actually don't matter at all in the performance or character of a person. The girl in this story is just being herself in a way that fits her self-image and current needs. She's not 'being' a tomboy.
In our future utopia, when people have become their better selves, we will stop having male and female sports teams (the big, heavy person football league and the smaller, more graceful one, heavyweight and featherweight?) and we will no longer feel comfortable thinking about people in categories. Gender will be like clothing, what you choose for now.
People are infinitely varied and changeable. I can't wait for the time to come that we will all accept and honor them for it.
5
Thank you for writing this. I was your daughter in the early 1970s. Turned out I am gay. And as a member of the LGBTQ community I have worried quietly about this issue for a long time. I knew that I was a "tomboy" and not trans, always happy, even proud, of my biology. But I also understood, and understand, that others could not necessarily see that. I can see, that for trans kids, pre-puberty treatment can be a godsend. At the same time, I do worry that we are so generally confused and ignorant about the subtleties of gender and identity that kids who are quite fine with their sex but don't give a damn about gender could be misdirected down an irreversible medical path.
20
We wonder why these kids are so screwed up, this generation of parents, mostly the far left, have pigeonholed, labeled and have made up so many imaginary phobias that the kids can't get out of their own way.
9
Who in the hell, even a teacher, ask someone else's kid if they would rather be a different gender? If they bring it up, it's a different deal.
Let's leave a few boundaries.
Let's leave a few boundaries.
24
Now 68 years old I’ve been a tomboy forever.
Would I like to have been a man? Hell yeah!
Let’s not look at this “sexually.” I wanted AND did play with the boys--scraping knees, always bruised, I played sandlot baseball, football then as I grew up I hiked, backpacked, skied down the steepest slopes with “the guys.”
I so wanted to be able to become a priest as a child in Catholic School--saw no reason why I couldn’t. Seethed when my brothers were able to play golf at our parent’s country club while my twin sister and I had to sit in the car. Could NOT understand why my mother said “College tuition would be wasted on girls. They just want their Mrs. degree.”
I wanted to study physics, chemistry, math ( I placed 10th in the state of Ohio on math tests.) In college at Utah I was the ONLY girl in pre-med. Why were they “men” and I was a “girl?” And even though I graduated summa in Genetics I wasn’t allowed to go to med school! “You’d be taking the place of a man who needs to support his family.”
I LOVED golfing...but wasn’t allowed on so many courses. I won our state’s amateur championship but wasn’t allowed to call for a tee time! My husband had to call! (Yeah I married and LOVED sex with men!)
I wanted to be a jet pilot in the Navy, go to Annapolis yet was met in the 1960s of “you’re just a girl.”
I hate being judged on my looks when I WAS good-looking and refused to wear make-up. But I COULD dress up as needed.
It’s a Man’s world--I wanted to at least be equal!
Would I like to have been a man? Hell yeah!
Let’s not look at this “sexually.” I wanted AND did play with the boys--scraping knees, always bruised, I played sandlot baseball, football then as I grew up I hiked, backpacked, skied down the steepest slopes with “the guys.”
I so wanted to be able to become a priest as a child in Catholic School--saw no reason why I couldn’t. Seethed when my brothers were able to play golf at our parent’s country club while my twin sister and I had to sit in the car. Could NOT understand why my mother said “College tuition would be wasted on girls. They just want their Mrs. degree.”
I wanted to study physics, chemistry, math ( I placed 10th in the state of Ohio on math tests.) In college at Utah I was the ONLY girl in pre-med. Why were they “men” and I was a “girl?” And even though I graduated summa in Genetics I wasn’t allowed to go to med school! “You’d be taking the place of a man who needs to support his family.”
I LOVED golfing...but wasn’t allowed on so many courses. I won our state’s amateur championship but wasn’t allowed to call for a tee time! My husband had to call! (Yeah I married and LOVED sex with men!)
I wanted to be a jet pilot in the Navy, go to Annapolis yet was met in the 1960s of “you’re just a girl.”
I hate being judged on my looks when I WAS good-looking and refused to wear make-up. But I COULD dress up as needed.
It’s a Man’s world--I wanted to at least be equal!
30
My elementary school playground was segregated by gender (in a Louisiana public school in the early '80's). It was also, informally, segregated by race. The white girls stood around tittering about things that bored me. The black girls played double-dutch, which I was embarassingly bad at.
So I moseyed over to the boys' side and joined a game of dodgeball. They accepted me without fanfare, but after a few minutes, the teacher spied me.
My punishment for breaking the rules was to stand alone in the sun for the remainder of the recess with my nose pressed against the hot brick of the school building.
After that, I just brought a book to the playground, and found a place on the edge of the girls' side where I wouldn't be bothered.
So that sucked. But after school, I had so much more freedom than many of today's kids seem to. I climbed trees, rode my bike, explored the fields behind my house. There seemed to be less fear then, if not less danger.
And when I figured out a few years later that I liked girls, I resisted the constraints of the gay community there too. I wasn't into softball or country music. I wasn't quite butch, and definitely wasn't femme. I resented having to choose among what felt to me like two ill-fitting costumes.
These days, I find myself in meetings that seem to be run by recent college graduates. No matter the topic, the meeting starts with a recitation of everyone's preferred gender pronouns. I just say my name.
So I moseyed over to the boys' side and joined a game of dodgeball. They accepted me without fanfare, but after a few minutes, the teacher spied me.
My punishment for breaking the rules was to stand alone in the sun for the remainder of the recess with my nose pressed against the hot brick of the school building.
After that, I just brought a book to the playground, and found a place on the edge of the girls' side where I wouldn't be bothered.
So that sucked. But after school, I had so much more freedom than many of today's kids seem to. I climbed trees, rode my bike, explored the fields behind my house. There seemed to be less fear then, if not less danger.
And when I figured out a few years later that I liked girls, I resisted the constraints of the gay community there too. I wasn't into softball or country music. I wasn't quite butch, and definitely wasn't femme. I resented having to choose among what felt to me like two ill-fitting costumes.
These days, I find myself in meetings that seem to be run by recent college graduates. No matter the topic, the meeting starts with a recitation of everyone's preferred gender pronouns. I just say my name.
11
Unfortunately in our society nowadays, we act as if we live in a Stepford Wives society,
People aren't supposed to be different, it confuses the masses, even as we preach individuality.
Truth be told, we don't know what the hell we want.
People aren't supposed to be different, it confuses the masses, even as we preach individuality.
Truth be told, we don't know what the hell we want.
8
I recently had a job training election poll workers. The first step of helping a voter is to check their registration in the database. We always told the poll workers not to address the voter as "Mr. Voter" or "Mrs. Voter" or sir or ma'am, but to use gender-neutral language, such as "Thank you" instead of "Thank you, sir," because you never know from looks or from a person's driver's license. Refraining from using some kind of gender-specific pronoun or word was very difficult for many people, who thought they were being impolite by not saying sir or ma'am. Younger people, however, had much less difficulty with this, and frankly didn't care much what "gender" someone appeared to be.
1
Lovely article, and one that struck home for me. This could describe my own DAUGHTER down to the smallest detail. Thank you for sharing your family's experience.
2
My two-year-old son was pretending to be a dinosaur the other day. He roared like one and wore dinosaur clothing and wanted to eat dinosaur food (whatever that means to him). My wife and I are seriously considering whether he should be forced, against his will, to identify as a human going forward or should instead embrace his identity as a Saurishian dinosaur. We decided that we must identify him, whether it's necessary or not, as a Saurishian dinosaur hailing from the late Cretaceous epoch. We also decided that we would be sure to emphasize this identity at every turn and that his pre-school teachers are aware of this and only refer to him as such a dinosaur.
I kid. There is some obvious false equivalence in comparing, indirectly, a dinosaur loving kid with someone who truly believes he or she is a different gender. Nevertheless, I believe that forced identification is unhealthy and unnecessary especially with kids. In my view, it's far better and healthier to let kids engage in the activities they enjoy without the pressure of having to decide once and for all whether they see themselves as belonging to a particular gender. They will have their entire adult lives to sort through those questions.
I kid. There is some obvious false equivalence in comparing, indirectly, a dinosaur loving kid with someone who truly believes he or she is a different gender. Nevertheless, I believe that forced identification is unhealthy and unnecessary especially with kids. In my view, it's far better and healthier to let kids engage in the activities they enjoy without the pressure of having to decide once and for all whether they see themselves as belonging to a particular gender. They will have their entire adult lives to sort through those questions.
13
Many women share a similar story about their childhood, and I'm no different.
I had more boy friends than girl friends. Playing bare foot down by the creek playing with tadpoles and minnows, climbing trees, and playing marbles were a major part of my repertoire growing up, as were scrapes, cuts and stitches. My older brother was so busy playing team sports that I was the child helping dad with household repairs and lawn work. By age 11, I was pushing a lawn mower house to house, while lugging a can of gasoline and a broom, looking for work (with my dad's full support.) On the other side of the coin, you could find me playing with my Barbie dolls, doing cleaning chores, and helping my mom cook in the kitchen. It was never as much fun as climbing trees though.
No one ever told me I had to refrain from doing the things that made me happy. Adults need to stop pidgeonholing children based on their gender.
I had more boy friends than girl friends. Playing bare foot down by the creek playing with tadpoles and minnows, climbing trees, and playing marbles were a major part of my repertoire growing up, as were scrapes, cuts and stitches. My older brother was so busy playing team sports that I was the child helping dad with household repairs and lawn work. By age 11, I was pushing a lawn mower house to house, while lugging a can of gasoline and a broom, looking for work (with my dad's full support.) On the other side of the coin, you could find me playing with my Barbie dolls, doing cleaning chores, and helping my mom cook in the kitchen. It was never as much fun as climbing trees though.
No one ever told me I had to refrain from doing the things that made me happy. Adults need to stop pidgeonholing children based on their gender.
6
Why would anyone ask such intrusive questions in the first place? If I worry about someone's gender or proclivity (baby, child, adult, whatever) I just hold back tactfully until they choose (or not) to volunteer information. Same with country of origin, race, etc. (although I can't resist asking about language because I love talking about language.) You can have great conversations without ever coming near these identity markers.
4
I love this! As a girl, I was definitely a "tomboy" and was often mistaken for a boy, but I always corrected the error. Today, with all the attention given to transgender children (whom I support 100% if that's how they self-identify), I've been wondering how people would have treated me if i were a child today. Your essay gives me a good idea.
3
Wait, did I write this about my daughter while sleeping at my computer?
Brilliant op-ed, I agree on all points. Thousands (or more of us) have little girls just like this and we too are supportive of who they are.
Brilliant op-ed, I agree on all points. Thousands (or more of us) have little girls just like this and we too are supportive of who they are.
5
Unfortunately, people need to organize their world into definitive and easily absorbed categories. It's taken us so long to accept and add to our list of categories gay, transgender and other forms of sexual orientation, well.....some of us at least. But we become wedded to our definitions, and pigeonhole we must. We must learn that all individuals are unique and have a separate path to follow: socially, psychologically, spiritually and of course sexually. We can never know or accept our fellow human without that vital realization.
3
Thanks so much for this piece...of sanity. Thank you. Thank you.
5
One would hope that very soon terms such as "tomboy" would be obsolete. Girls--and boys--have many options in life and should not be hindered by labels that seek to "explain" or categorize the child. And while I do not purport to have a deep understanding of transgenderism, that phenomenon is something entirely different from girls--or boys--taking advantage of many options in life without being hindered by people trying to pigeonhole them.
2
I think it's not especially healthy to get so much satisfaction out of displacing others. That's not to say that displacing one's beliefs based on faulty assumptions isn't important. There's nothing wrong with asking for someone's pro-nouns if you're not sure what they are. Which is why it's important that your goal not be "so that adults aren't confused" and can readily identify your daughter's gender without hesitation. There should always be hesitation. The problem is people wanting hold onto certain, distinct categories of gender that are readily identifiable. It's these distinctions and desire for certainty that control "what a girl should be" and "what a boy should be."
1
The culture of boys-are-better-than-girls starts early and appears often, and is sometimes so subtle we hardly notice. When I was called a tomboy, I turned what first felt like a put-down into a compliment, because it made me unique. I decided it meant I was as good as or better of a (scholar)-athlete as any of my male grade school classmates.
I didn't want to be a boy, I just wanted the freedom to wear what I wanted, to play sports I was good at, to go camping, to have fun outside. In the '90s, when office dress codes allowed more comfortable clothing--pants!--I never wore pantyhose to work again.
Men still consider me a good athlete, for a girl.
I didn't want to be a boy, I just wanted the freedom to wear what I wanted, to play sports I was good at, to go camping, to have fun outside. In the '90s, when office dress codes allowed more comfortable clothing--pants!--I never wore pantyhose to work again.
Men still consider me a good athlete, for a girl.
5
I don't own pantyhose. When I wear skirts they are long & I wear knee hi's. So it looks like I have the dreaded 'hose' on.
I'm old enough that I hate regular hose too, & garter belts. Don't own them. Buy skirts/dresses thick enough so I don't need slips either, though I own one, I just found out cleaning a dresser. My husband had to ask me what it was. As I don't wear them.
I'm old enough that I hate regular hose too, & garter belts. Don't own them. Buy skirts/dresses thick enough so I don't need slips either, though I own one, I just found out cleaning a dresser. My husband had to ask me what it was. As I don't wear them.
She is not transgender. And she is not a tomboy. She's a girl. She is gender nonconforming. So why attach a label? She has the right to engage in any activity, wear any style of dress or hair, appreciate all regardless of gender typing or labels to explain her actions. I too was considered a tomboy and resented the phrase. My comeback to those who called me a tomboy, was No. I am a girl. Not a boy, tomboy, or any other type of boy.
10
Gender non-conforming is a label. Just a long one compared with tomboy. But, like totally conforming in all ways, never non-conforming in any way, people want to pigeon-hole you, it is sometimes easier to pick which label you want for yourself, & fly with that. I was a tomboy. It was as non descriptive of me as some were descriptive. I was small, very short hair (in those days called a Pixie), preferred pants or shorts to skirts (can't climb trees in a skirt). Put that all together & everyone said I was 'cute'. Gah I hated that. Messed my hair up all the time (hard to do that short, but, I managed it), didn't skip, tried keeping a mad face on, but, I loved life & rarely was angry. Finally just stopped seeing myself through others. Good thing too. At 15 I fell down a flight of outside steps on my face, on old cracked dirty cement. I didn't look in a mirror, or look at others looking at me for a solid year. Fall took all my skin off 1/2 my face, finally all the scars disappeared (though I was warned 2 would show up again as I got old, one has, so what?). But, having learned that what others saw was not ME, I managed to escape being traumatized (except I am extremely careful on stairs), about my looks. So, now I'm getting senior, wrinkled (don't lose weight when getting older, makes for more wrinkles), & mostly satisfied. I wear jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts, & often 2 different sized sneakers (one foot swells) same color & style. Oh, I make jewelry, often crystal, for others.
I read this article with a combination "smirk" and a smile. When I was about her daughters age, and for a good many years after and before, I was a TOMBOY! I loved it, playing with the boys in the neighborhood (actually there were more boys than girls), climbing my favorite trees, exploring caves and playing detective. My mom kept my hair short so it wouldn't tangle in the limbs. When I, on the rare occasion, played with my Barbie doll, it was to design clothes or some such. I would rather have lived in my Jeans, but my mom said they were only to be worn at the stables or playing in the snow. I "lived" at the stables, or on the tennis court, or swimming or playing soccer or softball (although my dad kept telling me I threw like a "girl", yes and even dreamed of being a dancer. Then I turned 11 and I became a bit shy. These guys, who were "Just The Guys", became "BOYS","GUYS". Puberty hit and I became shy! Good news - after a while I became myself again. I never had a problem hanging out with or meeting guys. I flirted like only a southern girl can. I grew up as a Daddy's girl, and every guy, then man, I went out with worked on being "best friends" with him, figuring it would score points. Back in those days, too, teachers, neighbors, family, never questioned my sexual orientation image. My girl friends didn't either. The social norms and pc culture have gotten to be too much. I admire this young woman's mom and her daughter. Gal power is great, celebrate! (I am in my 60's)
How sad that the current panic over transgenderism makes people unable to accept that this child is a healthy, quirky girl like millions before her (including me--a kid who preferred catching frogs to dressing Barbies). I wonder, if the world had insisted upon pestering us with "concern" about our "gender identity," how many of us would have fallen victim to the suggestion (and the lure of a subculture eager and willing to celebrate us as heroic for our courageous "discovery")?
1
if all people were perceived as flexible individuals who don't fit anybody's pigeonholes in all facets and moments of their lives, we would all be better off.
2
Why why do we do this to our girls. I lived with the label tomboy in my youth (1960s) but actually I was just an athlete. Most of my friends were boys growing up, we had more in common. What are the Red Sox standings and are the Celtics in the playoffs is not a question my neighborhood girlfriends were at all interested in. I never owned a Barbie, though I did have trolls, but I lined them up to play sports. Five on five, jump ball. So now I am a mother in a blended family of 4 kids and 4 grandkids. And look back fondly on that part of my childhood as growing into my budding athleticism. I played football (tackle) in the neighborhood field till middle school. I was always picked 1 st or 2nd in neighborhood pickup basketball games. I railed against a system that at that time only let girls play half of the floor in basketball with one "rover". In high school I tried out for the boys tennis team (there was no girls team) and made lifelong friends with the "boys". I understand your daughters indignation at the unfairness of economic opportunity for women. I have stood up for myself at at every level of life. I find this is much easier to do in the north, I am from Maine. In the south, even here in Florida there is an ingrained barrier to climb against sexism. Good luck with your daughter. I hope she has health and happiness, sexuality is just a concept, but with your support as a mom she sure has a great start.
2
Valerie, I was a tomboy. I climbed trees, played with boys (more boys in the neighborhood & they sot me out as I had the only basketball hoop) up through grade school. But, I have never been a good athlete. Slow as molasses, & basketball was played that way too when I was in school. Plus girls' basketball rules made us hit the backboard before the ball went through the hoop. I could not do that. Had learned boys basketball, net all the way. Neighbor had a croquet set out every summer, & at least once a summer, as I ran through that yard I would catch my foot on a wicket & go down, usually on my chin. Everyone thought I was cute but clumsy. Turns out that I had a severe astigmatism, so severe it couldn't be totally corrected, though they tried. Nothing was exactly where my eyes said they were, so I walked into doors, walls, furniture, wickets, roots, all my life. After cataract surgery last year, most of the astigmatism is gone, just a little, correctable one in one eye. Now I don't trip or walk into things. Still live with the chronic pain left from all those years though. You can disable yourself with many, many smallish accidents rather than one big one.
Kudos to your daughter for being brave enough to be herself at a young age. I grew up in the 50's and 60's when in some ways things were much harder for girls who didn't want to conform: we were required to wear skirts or dresses to school and the only "dressy" clothes for women were skirts or dresses. But in other ways, it was easier too. The princess culture was not omnipresent. Sure we were read fairy tales, but we didn't expect to dress up like Cinderella at the ball. When we came home from school we changed into "play" clothes which were pretty genderless (jeans and polo shirts or simple cotton shirts) and play most often meant child organized games and riding our bikes around the neighborhood and beyond.
In some ways we have come far, but in other ways not so much. I'm glad that people are far more open to children who are trans, but there is something pretty scary when we assume children who don't fit into a very narrow cultural preference for certain clothes want to be a different sex. That's just as confining if not more than our old preferences.
In some ways we have come far, but in other ways not so much. I'm glad that people are far more open to children who are trans, but there is something pretty scary when we assume children who don't fit into a very narrow cultural preference for certain clothes want to be a different sex. That's just as confining if not more than our old preferences.
6
Thanks for the article. It reminded me of my daughter, who is now a 27 year old woman. People called her a "tomboy" and questioned her when she went to restrooms--and she still gets that from time to time, since likes her hair short. But she's definitely a young woman, no more or less than any other, and that's how she sees herself. She's smart and creative and charming, just as your daughter is destined to be. I find it amazing that even a physician has a hard time accepting girls who don't fit gender stereotypes.
5
Your daughter seems quite normal for a prepubescent second grader as most Tomboys simply turn into teenagers, a different species. "I will research puberty blockers and hormones (more than I already have)." leaves me worrying about the author and what she is teaching this very young girl.
Glad my mom left me alone, with a simile, when I was seven uncertain about my planned career choices of forest ranger, spy, astronaut or brain surgeon. (Ended up in the computer business, not my plan at seven.)
Glad my mom left me alone, with a simile, when I was seven uncertain about my planned career choices of forest ranger, spy, astronaut or brain surgeon. (Ended up in the computer business, not my plan at seven.)
5
Oh for goodness sake. If you make an issue out of it, it will become one and your daughter will suffer. Just answer the question and say: she also has a personality, isn't that great?
1
If your goal is allowing your daughter to be herself and not face the scrutiny of other adults, I'm not sure writing about it in the NYT is your best choice.
6
I have always been attracted to tomboys. I like that "can-do" spirit and the fact that they are seldom quick to wither under stress, whether emotional or physical, even while remaining sensitive and kind.
I don't view it as "manliness." I view it as capable. And I have also noticed that their more adventurous and enthusiastic nature makes it more fun to share certain activities that are difficult to describe in family newspapers without drawing the wrath of the censors.
I don't view it as "manliness." I view it as capable. And I have also noticed that their more adventurous and enthusiastic nature makes it more fun to share certain activities that are difficult to describe in family newspapers without drawing the wrath of the censors.
4
Adults need to mind their own business.
It's just plain obnoxious that while things seem to get better things actually don't.
Your story is an old one for me. A different generation, but same nonsense, albeit with added complexity. I can remember when I was a 'tomboy' girl who refused to wear dresses at age 10, and the foolish adult members of my family, and their foolish friends would repeat, over and over, that I should have been a boy and my gentle little brother, a girl.
People are as inclined as ever to be simple. And they want all of us to be wrapped up in neat little packages so that they do not have to go through the trouble of really and truly expanding their conception of what a human being is and can be. It's reductionist thinking, and by the way, bigotry too that reduces all of us.
A favorite quote, a paraphrase of a longer quote from Einstein, seems appropriate here: "Make things as simple as possible but not simpler." It means that the model you construct should accurately reflect the complexity of the thing you are talking about. implied here is that one needs to think widely, and also really know what one is talking about. In this instance who a girl or boy really is, not just what they are.
Like you said, there is a definite difference between role, gender and identity. There is also a difference between people and packaged ideas about people. Would that people knew these facts and kept them in mind. It would save us the trouble of stating the blindingly obvious. Over and over.
Your story is an old one for me. A different generation, but same nonsense, albeit with added complexity. I can remember when I was a 'tomboy' girl who refused to wear dresses at age 10, and the foolish adult members of my family, and their foolish friends would repeat, over and over, that I should have been a boy and my gentle little brother, a girl.
People are as inclined as ever to be simple. And they want all of us to be wrapped up in neat little packages so that they do not have to go through the trouble of really and truly expanding their conception of what a human being is and can be. It's reductionist thinking, and by the way, bigotry too that reduces all of us.
A favorite quote, a paraphrase of a longer quote from Einstein, seems appropriate here: "Make things as simple as possible but not simpler." It means that the model you construct should accurately reflect the complexity of the thing you are talking about. implied here is that one needs to think widely, and also really know what one is talking about. In this instance who a girl or boy really is, not just what they are.
Like you said, there is a definite difference between role, gender and identity. There is also a difference between people and packaged ideas about people. Would that people knew these facts and kept them in mind. It would save us the trouble of stating the blindingly obvious. Over and over.
3
Good article. This is a perfect example of how the politically correct snowflakes have hijacked reality. We have become so concerned with coddling a fraction of a fraction of 1% of the population that we have forgotten about logic and common sense!
7
Reality was never the 1940s and '50s war and postwar conformity. That wasn't reality economically, it wasn't reality racially, and it wasn't reality sexually. It was disenfranchisement, apartheid, subjugation. It was the opposite of what our founding fathers designed our constitutional republic to do, which was to protect the rights of the minority from the tyranny of the majority. Transgender may be a fraction of 1% but LGBT as a whole is a much more significant minority, and those whose families and loved ones don't turn their backs on them make it a significant percentage of the population who is LGBT or has someone who is in their immediate family, circle of friends, or neighborhood. How in your estimation is this child not "coddled" by having her parents cater to her every whim about how to dress and wear her hair, despite the ugly reality that there are others such as yourself calling her and her loved ones names like "snowflakes."
There are millions upon millions of tomboys out there. Almost none are never mistaken for boys. If I were you, I would acknowledge that my daughter isn't a typical tomboy, because she obviously is not.
2
It sounds like the mother is confused. She welcomes some attention that her daughter could be transgender but doesn't want too much. She is part of the problem that liberals created by demanding the majority accommodate the minority.
6
What accommodation? All it takes is an open mind to see that no one fits completely into rigid gender roles.
5
The mother welcomes the sensitivity people display when they ask what gender her daughter identifies with, but she is also concerned when some of those people use outdated gender stereotypes to conclude that her daughter is a boy. Discussing these protocols and norms, with some people messing up the vocabulary and assuming the wrong things, doesn't add up to a cultural war. It's just well meaning people trying to figure out how to get along and accommodate each other. It takes some messy communication for people to get it right. So yes, it's still a great idea for the majority to offer protections and sympathetic considerations for a vulnerable minority. In social interactions, the cost for going that extra mile is often just another conversation.
This has nothing to do with liberal-conservative. This has to do with people listening to and supporting kids without assuming anything, like the way you assumed their political opinions and the mother's behavior even though neither are started in the article. Let's stick to facts
Ha! I was a total tomboy as a kid 60 years ago. Always dressing in my older brother's hand-me-downs and following him around and playing with him and his friends. I remember wanting to be a boy, not because of any gender confusion, but because boys had more freedom. I thank my lucky stars no adults suggested to me that I was confused. I'm happy as a woman and a mother. :)
1
The Tomboy! What a glorious state to be in as a young girl! While I was growing up, there wasn't a line drawn between activities that were defined by gender, and this meant that I could gain the skills that both of my parents had to offer and as they all totaled up, the result was the freedom to feel competence. I could thread a needle and a worm on a fishing hook. Materials and tools and implements and processes didn't have maleness or femaleness, they were all simply vehicles to explore. The end result was that I never believed it when anyone told me that I couldn't do something because I was a girl and I relished proving them wrong. I had no idea what they were talking about. As far as I knew, I could do anything because I was offered all the tools and methods to figure anything out.
My wish is that the line drawn that keeps children from disappearing into the world of exciting discovery of abilities and mastery will disappear!
My wish is that the line drawn that keeps children from disappearing into the world of exciting discovery of abilities and mastery will disappear!
Thank you! This piece is wonderful on so many levels. I'm seeing the pressures to conform to gender stereotypes played out with my daughter right now, and I don't like it one bit. Thankfully, she has a strong sense of herself and pushes again the blatant pressures to dress a certain way, and the more subtle signals to avoid math, etc. She wants to play baseball and can't understand why her school doesn't have a co-ed team. I'm sorry that your daughter has to deal with such ignorance; but, as you say yourself, it seems that this experience is shaping her into the wonderful person that she seems to be.
19
You go girl!
I married a tomboy: She doesn't wear makeup, very rarely wears dresses, and loves thrill sports. Her hair is short, her body trim and athletic (even at sixty). She also completely identifies with her birth gender and she's never felt any sexual attraction to women. She is who she is: Beautiful, strong, very accomplished professionally, and quite assertive. We have a wonderful life together.
I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I just wanted you to know that there are many of us who find tomboys really fun to be around and, though it's a bit early to be thinking about this for your daughter, there are lots of guys who'd give their right arms to be partnered with such women.
..and with you as her mom, she'll do just fine.
I married a tomboy: She doesn't wear makeup, very rarely wears dresses, and loves thrill sports. Her hair is short, her body trim and athletic (even at sixty). She also completely identifies with her birth gender and she's never felt any sexual attraction to women. She is who she is: Beautiful, strong, very accomplished professionally, and quite assertive. We have a wonderful life together.
I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I just wanted you to know that there are many of us who find tomboys really fun to be around and, though it's a bit early to be thinking about this for your daughter, there are lots of guys who'd give their right arms to be partnered with such women.
..and with you as her mom, she'll do just fine.
39
What a great post!
2
Great article. I've been saying this for years: too many people, lacking the strength and courage to be themselves far outside of stereotypical behavior and appearance, have opted to "change" their sex identity. Thanks again for this excellent piece.
25
It's true. Homo sapiens are blessed/cursed and ravenous with philosophical appetite. It can be abated with intoxication. It can be only partially filled with many "identity" formulae: race, geography, orientations of various sorts, even nationality. The hunger needs more.
Gender identity. Sex only means who you sleep with. Most 7 year olds don't yet "sleep" with anyone. If they do it's illegal. This country is so confused about who sleeps with who, when, how, & why, that the word gender was dropped, even when talking about children, & the word sex became a word that meant what genitals you have, not just who you use them with when adult. SICK.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this piece. It is long overdue.
13
Great article! Like many other commenters, I was a tomboy in my childhood. I did want to be a boy but only because it seemed like boys were allowed to have a lot more fun! I still like simple comfortable clothes and I wear my hair short but I'm a happily married mom.
21
Yes, it's fairly common for girls, even those whose tastes lean feminine, to say they wished they were boys because boys often have greater freedom.
1
Gender role fluid is precisely right. As a little boy in the midwest in the late 60s, I asked for a got an Easy Bake Oven from Santa, loved my flowery bell bottom jeans, enjoyed embroidery, begged for ballet lessons, and was mistaken for a girl all the time. Now, I am a married, heterosexual father of two who can cook, knows what an A-line dress or an Empire waist are, and still enjoys dancing.
52
Thank you for writing this! When I was a child, I was a lot like your daughter. It messed with my mind when people constantly made assumptions about who I was/am. There is too much pressure on girls/women to act in pigeon-hooded roles. Your daughter is brave to express herself as she choses.
Good article. I agree wholeheartedly that kids of both genders should not be boxed in by societal gender expectations. I am appalled that pediatricians and teachers
don't get that and seem to be sowing gender confusing.
But please don't call her a "tomboy". That labels should be banished. She's a girl -- a girl with different tastes and interests than most girls. That's just fine. If you need a label, how bout "rugged girl" ( I looked up antonyms to "dainty" but none were complimentary!)
don't get that and seem to be sowing gender confusing.
But please don't call her a "tomboy". That labels should be banished. She's a girl -- a girl with different tastes and interests than most girls. That's just fine. If you need a label, how bout "rugged girl" ( I looked up antonyms to "dainty" but none were complimentary!)
9
Late 19th century, the term was "hoyden".
It may have its own problems as a term, but at least it doesn't involve classic either-or gender terms and turn a girl into a "boy", the way applying the term "tomboy" does!
It may have its own problems as a term, but at least it doesn't involve classic either-or gender terms and turn a girl into a "boy", the way applying the term "tomboy" does!
1
I know adult women who have been tomboys all their lives. When I was growing up, it was not a problem. Maybe the girl was kidded a little bit, but affectionately. There is too much emphasis on sexual orientation these days. I do wish that would stop, but I don't think I will live to witness that :-(
4
I am disgusted by all this trying to force young people onto one or another track. I recently read an article about their being pushed into thinking about sexual changes, even preparing for them, under 18 years of age. I am horrifiied.
My daughter started playing soccer during her first recreation period in the first grade and has never stopped. She didn't invite girls to her birthday parties until in the 4th grade when it became the fashion to invite the whole class.
I don't think she has a dress but she has two children and is expecting twins.
My daughter started playing soccer during her first recreation period in the first grade and has never stopped. She didn't invite girls to her birthday parties until in the 4th grade when it became the fashion to invite the whole class.
I don't think she has a dress but she has two children and is expecting twins.
15
Regarding the 'boys wearing pink' slot I was reminded of a term I'd not come across since doing sociology at college, of "gender toxicity", from a BBC radio article on naming children, and how once a name is brought more into the feminine fore its use in male circles virtually drops to zero, for example the name Leslie et al.
10
I am from the "Our Bodies, Ourselves" age group with two children now over 35--male and female...
Growing up my mantra was "colors aren't sexist---people are"... still as accurate then as now...
Growing up my mantra was "colors aren't sexist---people are"... still as accurate then as now...
I loved this article. I wish we had more capacious ideas about what it means to be a boy or girl or a man or a woman than we find in entrenched Hollywood and consumer stereotypes. I don't wear makeup or dresses or go to hair or nail salons, which may be why a friend once told me that I wasn't feminine at the same moment that I was nursing my baby. Femininity is about more than hair and makeup, and masculinity is sbout more than cars and fighting. We all lose when we limit ourselves to these stereotypes.
38
I find it Deeply disturbing that people are talking about hormones and treatments for "trans" children.
As I recall it when this was first described as a real thing it involved extensive psychological evaluation of the adults who thought they were trans. Psychology is well aware of the roles we impose that are not necessarily related to gender and this evaluation is meant to parse out what is what in case the person has simply been imposing roles on themselves that have nothing to do with gender.
How can anyone even consider offering a child hormone treatments? What about adults who abuse children? I know for a fact that some of them make children say and do gender role switching things to create the appearance the child is trans. The case I know of was meant to harm the father as well as cause other male role models in the family to reject the child. There was literally no way to know or discern that the kid was just parroting for praise the things his abuser told him to. My experience of how ubiquitous the most hideous of abuses are tells me this is not something rare.
No child no matter how loved and safe should ever be given any kind of hormonal or physical transition until well into adulthood. The very idea should be a disqualifier for anyone claiming to be desirous of helping trans people.
As I recall it when this was first described as a real thing it involved extensive psychological evaluation of the adults who thought they were trans. Psychology is well aware of the roles we impose that are not necessarily related to gender and this evaluation is meant to parse out what is what in case the person has simply been imposing roles on themselves that have nothing to do with gender.
How can anyone even consider offering a child hormone treatments? What about adults who abuse children? I know for a fact that some of them make children say and do gender role switching things to create the appearance the child is trans. The case I know of was meant to harm the father as well as cause other male role models in the family to reject the child. There was literally no way to know or discern that the kid was just parroting for praise the things his abuser told him to. My experience of how ubiquitous the most hideous of abuses are tells me this is not something rare.
No child no matter how loved and safe should ever be given any kind of hormonal or physical transition until well into adulthood. The very idea should be a disqualifier for anyone claiming to be desirous of helping trans people.
11
BTW Ms. Davis, it sounds as if your daughter is doing just fine, nice job there.
I read that there are groups in GB who want to talk to children as young as 2 years old about gender. What an idiotic idea. I get the impression that the translobby is not trying to inform young people, but to recruit them - whether the rest of us like it or not.
4
Well done.
The idea that juveniles are identified by adults as transgender is perfectly abhorrent.
What a tragedy for children being told they are "a boy in a girl's body" or "a girl in a boy's body"! There is where real damage is being done.
The idea that juveniles are identified by adults as transgender is perfectly abhorrent.
What a tragedy for children being told they are "a boy in a girl's body" or "a girl in a boy's body"! There is where real damage is being done.
21
It is tricky. If you define gender as something not biological, then it becomes either psychological or social, and relatively undefined.
If we define gender psychologically, we fall back on each individual expressing what they feel like, but there is certainly no universal definition or expression of what women "feel like." Do I feel the same as Melania Trump? Queen Elizabeth? Beyonce? And that circles back to expressing an inner feeling as a social role.
Kaitlyn Jenner expressed womanhood through dress, hair and make-up. Comparatively I look like an unmade bed. Am I not feminine? And if so, isn't that definition merely social?
We are placing our children into traps - trying to force them to define themselves in a way we have decided socially they must define themselves. And trying to get a young child to explain if he or she feels cis-gender or transgender is nuts.
So how about a new rule? Ignore the question and go with biology until the person himself or herself tells you otherwise.
If we define gender psychologically, we fall back on each individual expressing what they feel like, but there is certainly no universal definition or expression of what women "feel like." Do I feel the same as Melania Trump? Queen Elizabeth? Beyonce? And that circles back to expressing an inner feeling as a social role.
Kaitlyn Jenner expressed womanhood through dress, hair and make-up. Comparatively I look like an unmade bed. Am I not feminine? And if so, isn't that definition merely social?
We are placing our children into traps - trying to force them to define themselves in a way we have decided socially they must define themselves. And trying to get a young child to explain if he or she feels cis-gender or transgender is nuts.
So how about a new rule? Ignore the question and go with biology until the person himself or herself tells you otherwise.
12
Couldn't agree more. Had pretty much the same daughter. What is it with these adults ? It really got old for her, as you say.
Who cares what they are. Let them be. They will grow up fine.
Who cares what they are. Let them be. They will grow up fine.
7
Pink is for girls and blue is for boys. Who started this idea? How is it that if a woman raises her voice, she is being aggressive and if a man raises his voice he is manly? Where does it say that a woman should wear only dresses and not pants to make her more feminine? Didn't the president say that women should dress like women? What does that mean? Does that mean if you dress differently, you are not a woman? All these questions I have about how women should act, dress and talk. Can someone answer for me? We have a vice president who calls his wife mother. Are you kidding? Did she give birth to him? Sometimes I think we have come so far as women and then I step back and shake my head. We are not there yet and this is 2017. But then look who is president. I can't even say his name without shaking my head. Women stand up for your rights and don't be timid about it. Wear what you want and don't even look back.
15
But sometimes if a woman raises her voice she is being assertive, and if a man does he is an ass. It all depends on the perspective, and the individual; it's only about gender if we make it so.
I am gently over 50 and I have been a TOMBOY all my life. I grew up climbing trees, learning to use a slingshot, bow & arrow and a fishing rod. THroughout my life I have been actively involved in a variety of sports but felt more competitive playing on boys teams. There isn't much someone could ask of me that I would NOT be willing to give a hand at or try and fix. I only wish now that I had taken auto mechanics in high school but back then it wasn't an option.
With all the "changes" in what we now consider "acceptable behavior" in our society, I am feeling challenged just being myself. I'm not even sure how people view me these days but often I am misunderstood because of my physical strengths and outgoing personality. I have character traits that seem to keep people at somewhat of a distance and at the same time attract others. It's this "attraction" that I want to clarify......I am a BORN & BRED TOMBOY!!! I AM NOT GAY!
I've been thinking of starting a T-shirt line that clarifies this for EVERYONE. Just because we are being "forced" to be accepting etc of peoples sexual preferences, I too would like some RESPECT for simply being a TOMBOY and very proud of it. I actually look pretty good in a bikini and I can also "doll up" with the best of them. I'm just more comfortable and at "home" in blue jeans, a T-shirt and flip flops!
Here's to all the TOMBOYS out there no matter how old you are! Be proud of it and everything it stands for but understand, WE ARE NOT GAY!!!
Care Bear
With all the "changes" in what we now consider "acceptable behavior" in our society, I am feeling challenged just being myself. I'm not even sure how people view me these days but often I am misunderstood because of my physical strengths and outgoing personality. I have character traits that seem to keep people at somewhat of a distance and at the same time attract others. It's this "attraction" that I want to clarify......I am a BORN & BRED TOMBOY!!! I AM NOT GAY!
I've been thinking of starting a T-shirt line that clarifies this for EVERYONE. Just because we are being "forced" to be accepting etc of peoples sexual preferences, I too would like some RESPECT for simply being a TOMBOY and very proud of it. I actually look pretty good in a bikini and I can also "doll up" with the best of them. I'm just more comfortable and at "home" in blue jeans, a T-shirt and flip flops!
Here's to all the TOMBOYS out there no matter how old you are! Be proud of it and everything it stands for but understand, WE ARE NOT GAY!!!
Care Bear
8
What a relief to read this. I am appalled by hearing of parents putting their children through gender change treatments or declaring their children "transgender". What garbage. Let children be children and don't sexualize them just because so many adults are fixated on sex.
If I were the parent in this case, I would consider changing school It is shocking and offensive that teachers would challenge and question a child's sex because in their sick imagination gender change or reassignment is their idea of what should be happening to a child.
There have always been "tomboys". Let girls be strong, like trucks, reject dolls and become the children they are without challenging their sexuality as if they are about to engage in sexual activity or something.
If I were the parent in this case, I would consider changing school It is shocking and offensive that teachers would challenge and question a child's sex because in their sick imagination gender change or reassignment is their idea of what should be happening to a child.
There have always been "tomboys". Let girls be strong, like trucks, reject dolls and become the children they are without challenging their sexuality as if they are about to engage in sexual activity or something.
12
Let's revisit this in ten years and let the daughter speak for herself. If she's truly a female simply interested in traditionally "masculine" trappings and concerns, more power to her. (As a male I've always felt lucky that male attire is so much easier.) Ultimately she's the one who will determine who and what she is. Even if it happens that the daughter is transgender after all, in ten years it will probably be less of a "thing" than it is now.
One thing she definitely has in her favor, aside from a mother clearly willing to go to bat her her: the tomboy, as a human "type," has always been more highly favored than its male counterpart. That's why we're not likely to see an article like "My Son Is Not Transgender. He's a Sissy."
One thing she definitely has in her favor, aside from a mother clearly willing to go to bat her her: the tomboy, as a human "type," has always been more highly favored than its male counterpart. That's why we're not likely to see an article like "My Son Is Not Transgender. He's a Sissy."
10
Good comment up until the end.
"tomboy" and "sissy" do not have the same connotations-- the first being generally accepted and favorable (up to a certain age); the other always a put down!
"tomboy" and "sissy" do not have the same connotations-- the first being generally accepted and favorable (up to a certain age); the other always a put down!
There seems to be a powerful human tendency to categorize ~ maybe it helps us makes sense of the chaos of existence? So, just when we make a little progress, up sprout new ways to label people.
"Gender-role nonconforming" ~ let it be a meme!
"Gender-role nonconforming" ~ let it be a meme!
3
She's an individual. And she's a good example of why we shouldn't be so busy picking other people apart and categorizing them, especially little children.
7
I disagree that "we also need to celebrate tomboys". I have neither the time nor the inclination to celebrate every manifestation of diversity on the planet. Why isn't "live and let live" good enough any more? As the author says, "the kids get it". I can guarantee you the kids aren't celebrating tomboys.
Parents are nuts. Thank God I'm not a teacher. I'd be terrified of saying the wrong thing. And then when you hesitate or ask a further question, you get a NYT article blaming you for THAT.
Parents are nuts. Thank God I'm not a teacher. I'd be terrified of saying the wrong thing. And then when you hesitate or ask a further question, you get a NYT article blaming you for THAT.
1
A friend of mine. A committed republican, will not go into a target store. Why? The transgender bathrooms. The whole transgender movement seems to be an overreaching attempt by who knows who to create something that is a bit ridiculous. Why not have separate gay and lesbian bathrooms? I mean where does it stop. What does it say about our culture. When do children need to be labeled? Let kids be kids. Their sexuality will determine itself. Usually by high school and certainly by college. Although not always. There were not too many kids in my neighborhood when I grew up. One was a (tomboy) she went on to marriage and children. I never thought twice about it. Stop creating voids that do not exist and when will this world stop obsessing about SEX! Whether democrats want to admit it or not, gay marriage and transgender whatever's, were one of the reasons that conservatives energized themselves to get out and vote last November. Both parties should stop preaching and shoving morality down our throats.
How refreshing! I am happy that there is currently support for transgender people/issues, but I have to admit that it rankled the first time I learned that I belonged to a group called "cisgender." Does that mean I have to like hockey?
7
I was a tomboy growing up in a family of 6 kids. I grew up on a farm and I thought boys got to do all the neat things - stay outside, ride horses, play chase games all day, and then sports, run the tractors and take care of the cows, horses, pigs. I could outrun most boys and was stronger and they didn't mind. I was just a tomboy which I was told my favorite aunt had been. This did not excuse me from having to do housework, cook meals, learn to sew - which my brothers never had to do. But I didn't mind doing as my mother asked. When I was 11 years old I got this mad crush on a cute guy in my class called Jerry. The first of many crushes and eventually full time boyfriends, marriage, kids. Along the way no-one ever suggested I had to use the boys room, or take drugs, or be called a boy. So I think it is unfair that kids are pressured when they are too young to go where a minority of folks are going. There are not a lot of transgender people in the world, see the stats here from Wikipedia - "An earlier report published in April 2011 by the Williams Institute estimated that 3.8 percent of Americans identified as gay/lesbian, bisexual, or transgender: 1.7 percent as lesbian or gay, 1.8 percent as bisexual, and 0.3 percent as transgender. LGBT demographics of the United States - Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_demographics_of_the_United_States."
So, lets just leave the 96% or more of kids to grow up just being kids.
So, lets just leave the 96% or more of kids to grow up just being kids.
7
My father's mother had 3 boys & a girl. She taught them ALL how to take care of a house, cook, sew, & their dad taught them all how to take care of the outside of the house. Why? Well, she figured that at some point any of them might end up living alone, no spouse. One never married, got along fine. When he was in the army during WW2 my dad learned (sort of) how to knit. He did it to pass the time. I say sort of, because when he taught me to knit he couldn't teach me how to end the piece. See, he only had one ball of yarn, he'd knit it up (straight knitting, no fancy stuff), then unravel it, rolling it back up into a ball & start again.
It's a good set of subjects to teach all kids. Not just because they might live alone someday, but, because of illness or injury, they might have to do everything though married. When we married my husband could burn water. Now, that I can't, he is a good cook, can read a receipe (I finally told him to think of them as directions for building something.) He's my hero.
It's a good set of subjects to teach all kids. Not just because they might live alone someday, but, because of illness or injury, they might have to do everything though married. When we married my husband could burn water. Now, that I can't, he is a good cook, can read a receipe (I finally told him to think of them as directions for building something.) He's my hero.
1
Much of what we attribute to a specific gender is a construct of the era and society we live in.
Be who you are. Let it go.
Be who you are. Let it go.
7
"The kids get it. But the grown-ups do not." Sounds about right.
The couple of tomboys in our neighborhood were always welcomed in our 1950s grade-school-age gang of boys which had the run of the forest. They were more like Peter Pan (the one we knew...played by Mary Martin) than Wendy then, and both turned into wonderful adult women/people. They both married and had children but I have no detailed knowledge of their innermost gender identities or sexual preferences. But one thing I learned then, which has only been reinforced over a lifetime...is that almost all girls/women are nicer and smarter than almost all boys/men.
7
Look to the children for answers...
They have usually figured it out before we even realize that there is something that we should be interested in.
They have usually figured it out before we even realize that there is something that we should be interested in.
2
I'm happy to see this story. In the discussions about gender nonconformity there has been so little consideration of the totally unnecessary polarization of masculinity and femininity. Kids--and grown-ups--should be free to present themselves however they want, not forced into ridiculously narrow boys' or girls' styles. Go to a fourth grade classroom and try to find a girl who isn't wearing pink or purple. Look at the wedding pages in the NYT and try to find a white heterosexual woman who doesn't have long hair.
12
Purple is NOT a feminine color. I've always loved a deep blue purple. I now wear it in honor of a male friend who died of cancer. I even have purple stick on rhinestones on the back of my cell, in his honor.
I'm transgender, recently out. It was the endless defining of my gender and sexuality by others that closeted me. The sex and gender police, and make no mistake we all do it. We patrol that border as it was Mexico!
But as trans, I see I must be fully female to conform to other's definition of me still. OK to switch, we're progressive, but you gotta make a clear choice. It can't be both but only one or the other. Androgyny is simply suspect because it plays with peoples perceptions.
Humans see gender as only binary but it's a spectrum, because it is what they can see, though not into one's brain. We're a visual species and evolved to categorize to recognize mates, enemies, tribe members, etc.
As society has allowed me to exist as transgender now, they still demand gender role conformity. Oddly, as we have "permitted" trans people to breathe, we demand the same gender roles.
Long live nonconformity!
But as trans, I see I must be fully female to conform to other's definition of me still. OK to switch, we're progressive, but you gotta make a clear choice. It can't be both but only one or the other. Androgyny is simply suspect because it plays with peoples perceptions.
Humans see gender as only binary but it's a spectrum, because it is what they can see, though not into one's brain. We're a visual species and evolved to categorize to recognize mates, enemies, tribe members, etc.
As society has allowed me to exist as transgender now, they still demand gender role conformity. Oddly, as we have "permitted" trans people to breathe, we demand the same gender roles.
Long live nonconformity!
7
Yes! Thank you!
"She is gender role nonconforming."
Why can't we adults stop laying our sex/gender trips on children and get it through our thick skulls that boys can like ballet and be boys (I was one of those and I am 100% heterosexual), and girls can like baseball and be girls?
It's really so simple, when you think about it.
Maybe someday, once we adults get our head trips sorted out we won't even need labels like "tomboy".
All that being said, having recently returned from 5 years working in the Middle East alongside people from a wide range of Muslim majority countries, socially, we are creating a much saner environment for our children, with regard to gender, identity and sex.
"She is gender role nonconforming."
Why can't we adults stop laying our sex/gender trips on children and get it through our thick skulls that boys can like ballet and be boys (I was one of those and I am 100% heterosexual), and girls can like baseball and be girls?
It's really so simple, when you think about it.
Maybe someday, once we adults get our head trips sorted out we won't even need labels like "tomboy".
All that being said, having recently returned from 5 years working in the Middle East alongside people from a wide range of Muslim majority countries, socially, we are creating a much saner environment for our children, with regard to gender, identity and sex.
5
She can always move to Colorado. Women out here are almost all tomboys. I guess most men (and women) want partners who share interests. Hiking, skiing, bicycling, climbing, etc. are not activities for non-tomboy types.
6
TOMBOY is also a sexist term and misplaced when referring to females.
7
"I want trans kids to feel free and safe enough to be who they are. " and "If my daughter does begin to feel that the gender in her mind and the sex of her body don’t match, I will be supportive. I will research puberty blockers and hormones (more than I already have). I will listen to her and make decisions accordingly, just as I did when she turned 3 and asked for a tie and a button-down shirt."
These statements beg the questions that there is such a person as a "trans kid" and that parents can unequivocally identify them. God help the teenage kids whose parents "assist" with puberty blockers and hormone treatments and who decide a few years later that they really are the sex the vast majority of people assumed they were and the sex which corresponds to their chromosomes. There are even cases of parents letting children have mutilating surgery (e.g. breast removal) who then change their minds about their "gender identity" later. A lifetime of remorse for the indulgence of a mistaken idea.
By definition, a child who thinks they are in the "wrong" body has a disconnect between what his or her body objectively is and what their brain at that moment tells them. In many cases they will "grow out of it" and should be allowed to do so. Putting your child on life-changing drugs or allowing them to undergo life-changing surgery is wrong however much support you get from the trans "community" and readers of the NYT.
These statements beg the questions that there is such a person as a "trans kid" and that parents can unequivocally identify them. God help the teenage kids whose parents "assist" with puberty blockers and hormone treatments and who decide a few years later that they really are the sex the vast majority of people assumed they were and the sex which corresponds to their chromosomes. There are even cases of parents letting children have mutilating surgery (e.g. breast removal) who then change their minds about their "gender identity" later. A lifetime of remorse for the indulgence of a mistaken idea.
By definition, a child who thinks they are in the "wrong" body has a disconnect between what his or her body objectively is and what their brain at that moment tells them. In many cases they will "grow out of it" and should be allowed to do so. Putting your child on life-changing drugs or allowing them to undergo life-changing surgery is wrong however much support you get from the trans "community" and readers of the NYT.
9
Thank you so much for this beautiful article!
I have been the nanny to a now eight-year-old girl for the last 3 years and have struggled time and time again to explain to her why other children on the playground assume she is a boy because she likes to wear Spiderman sneakers. I let her know that her preferred way of dress is HER choice and that she is a strong, smart lady for expressing herself in whatever way she wants. Like your daughter, she rejects dresses and princesses, preferring to wear comfortable sweat pants and wield plastic swords around the house while pretending to be a knight.
Her parents and I never put pressure on her to conform to gender norms. We love her for being the perceptive, creative, go-getting girl who we adore so very much. While she has the support at home to be whoever she wants, I worry what the culture of her private school world will do to her as she approaches adolescence.
I hope we have given her the encouragement she needs to proudly identify herself as a strong girl who thinks for herself, no matter what anybody else has to say about it. Cheers to the next generation of strong, badass women.
I have been the nanny to a now eight-year-old girl for the last 3 years and have struggled time and time again to explain to her why other children on the playground assume she is a boy because she likes to wear Spiderman sneakers. I let her know that her preferred way of dress is HER choice and that she is a strong, smart lady for expressing herself in whatever way she wants. Like your daughter, she rejects dresses and princesses, preferring to wear comfortable sweat pants and wield plastic swords around the house while pretending to be a knight.
Her parents and I never put pressure on her to conform to gender norms. We love her for being the perceptive, creative, go-getting girl who we adore so very much. While she has the support at home to be whoever she wants, I worry what the culture of her private school world will do to her as she approaches adolescence.
I hope we have given her the encouragement she needs to proudly identify herself as a strong girl who thinks for herself, no matter what anybody else has to say about it. Cheers to the next generation of strong, badass women.
8
"She does not understand why there are separate men’s and women’s sports teams,"
Maybe she will understand when she will start playing with adolescent boys in games such like football, volleyball, soccer and so on. Grown-up women simply stand no chance with grown-up man in sports; if there would not be separate men's and women's teams, then there would be maybe 1 or 2 women to 100 male sportsman.
Maybe she will understand when she will start playing with adolescent boys in games such like football, volleyball, soccer and so on. Grown-up women simply stand no chance with grown-up man in sports; if there would not be separate men's and women's teams, then there would be maybe 1 or 2 women to 100 male sportsman.
4
That is changing as more & more girls are brought up to be in fantastic shape, playing sports all their lives. Someday a woman will win the Boston Marathon, not the women's division of. Some female pitchers have faster fastballs & more accuracy then men, today. A few more generations & a fair number of women will be able to beat out most men (who couldn't qualify for any male adult sports team now). Not in football as even sports minded women are not in the group who wants to hurt members of other teams critically, which is why interest in football is going down. There are two baseball/softball fields near me. In the last few years it's gone from majority men's teams, but, some womens. To mainly unisex teams, fairly balanced. It's a start.
I'd really like to see a man like you get pregnant, & carry a baby to term while doing all the things you normally do every day. I doubt you could. Both your body & your brain would break down. So, women are now evolving faster than men.
I'd really like to see a man like you get pregnant, & carry a baby to term while doing all the things you normally do every day. I doubt you could. Both your body & your brain would break down. So, women are now evolving faster than men.
1
Why use the label "tomboy" at all? Your daughter is your daughter, no matter what she likes to wear or what activities she chooses to embrace. Let's drop all labels !
4
Adults who are still agonizing over their gender identification and want to pursue an agonizing sexual transformation, well go for it. But leave children alone! Asking a 6 year old if they want a sex change borders on the criminal. Leave them alone. Let them grow and develop in an atmosphere of tolerance into adults and then make an informed choice about which of all the variations of sexuality humans have fits their desires and inclinations. Leave the children alone.
11
Don't you really mean male bodied children Marv? It's the full castration that makes you sick. The best doctors won't do surgery (going in either direction) on children, even if their parents have insurance that covers it. A percentage of young males have to take hormones at puberty because they begin to grow breasts, would you deny them? It just proves that all fetuses start out as females, then differentiate down the road (hmmm now, could that be considered a defect? Are all babies supposed to be female?), males do seem to have gross deformities on the front of their bodies they feel compelled to whip out & wave around, usually in front of all males, at banks of fake trees. Looking at the walls behind these fake trees, many men can't hit the target no matter how hard they try, & it seems most are probably looking elsewhere while 'going'.
It turns out that what kinds of gender clothes a child wears isn't just a 21st Century thing... Here's an article that explains why boys wore dresses in the 19th and early 20th, http://www.heraldbulletin.com/community/in-history-why-little-boys-wore-...
This whole country is wound a little tight these days. It would be good if we could all just lighten up and accept others at face value without feeling the need to label them.
9
Jonathan, that would destroy the liberal statist narrative, which has now grown to biblical proportions and authority. It is a religion.
So many people in this world who cannot operate without strict labeling. Everything has to fit into a designated little box, appropriately color coded and protected from 'different'. Why does anyone else care what the little girl is or wants to be? What difference does it make? Just let her be her and you concentrate on being you. You spend more time looking inward and learning about yourself, instead of interfering in others lives. Many too many people know more about a Kardashian than they know of themselves. Worry about you and let others worry about themselves.
6
I see that many of the comments here make rosy allusions to wild childhoods, to playing outdoors, and so forth, but this issue is actually dead serious and very political. Increasing vigilance about trans identities and trans pronouns, while important, has to some degree invalidated non-trans non-cis identities. And in some case it has rendered non-trans, non-cis identities completely illegible. As a butch lesbian instructor at a university, I frequently have to explain to my students that I am not trans. They are very literate about trans, but most of them don't know what a butch lesbian is. Trans visibility should not mean that we refuse tomboys and young butches the right to live the way they want to live. Raising these issues within the queer community, however, often garners accusations of transphobia. We need to be careful that caring for trans persons and protecting trans identities doesn't invalidate or erase other identities.
17
The difference is that now the trans community isn't hiding what they are. Where until fairly recently gays & lesbians let it be thought there was only one type of each, the 'mainstream' of gays & lesbians. Therein lies the problem. Your students have had a lot to read & discuss about trans, but, hardly anything to read about differences in the gay & lesbian community. Can't know it unless it comes in front of you. For most that is the MSM. Like here. Maybe you should see about writing an OP Ed piece about different kinds of Lesbians, & get a gay man to do the same for them.
Kids raising themselves in America. I wonder what the mother would do if the child decided to wear nothing to school, or to only eat bananas, or stop attending school. Would she have her daughter conform? Please. Enough with this gender ideology!
4
I had a friend who by 2nd grade had the authority to turn around & go home, on the way to school, on very cold days. There was a little store about 1/3 of the way to school. If on cold days her cheeks &/or nose were numb she turned around & went home. No school for her. She got frostbite very easily. All elementary schools were close enough to the neighborhoods they got students from there were no elementary buses. Her mother had no car, father left way to early for work. So, between her doctor & the school they decided on this. So, she did have the ability to decide not to go to school. As she got bigger it stopped being a problem.
Many if not most kids have more sense than adults anyway.
Many if not most kids have more sense than adults anyway.
Why are you afraid of different, RoseMarie? Somethings you cannot let your child do, run naked down the street for instance, when all it truly means is that most people are afraid of skin. Your skin, my skin. Nudists have no problems. I was a picky eater. The rule was I have to eat everything on my plate, then I could have more of anything that was there. Since I also was small with a very small appetite my plate had a teaspoon of each kind of food on it. I'd eat it (even the bitter stuff I still hate), then pig out of meat, potatoes, another veggie, whatever suited my fancy that night. My doctor told my mother to keep track of what I ate, then asked her how it balanced out by the week. Dumbfounded she realized I ate a balanced diet when looked at that way. Except for bitter foods. But, we found out much later that I am a super taster (& smeller) so bitter tastes a lot more bitter to me, than you. Yuck. So does sweet, but, humans are hardwired to like sweet & distrust bitter (in pre history many bitter plants were poison). Even what one wears often has more to do with comfort than gender. Soft jeans & a flannel shirt are the most comfortable clothes in the universe. Unless it's 110 out. Clothes really do not need to be worn except for comfort (rain gear so you don't get wet & cold, warm clothes in winter, lightweight covering that blocks sun for us fair ones, etc) or enjoyment. Many kids love playing dress up with old clothes & boys often pick gowns just like some girls do.
Some women make a profession of gender 'non-conformity'
http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/24/health/lumberjack-workout/
More than that, the compettion culture that surrounds her just doesn't accept this it embraces and celebrates it.
http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/24/health/lumberjack-workout/
More than that, the compettion culture that surrounds her just doesn't accept this it embraces and celebrates it.
1
The issue today is that many kids similar to this young lady are forced into transgender roles by the politically correct society we seem to be intent on building, including politically and intellectually confused, or maybe bankrupt or inept, administrators of our so called educational system, private and public. And they do this to vulnerable teenagers. If there ever were an indictment of an "institution", this is it.
8
Teenagers are at the age where trying on different personas is their job. Whether that be jock, student, nerd, fashion plate (yes boys can be fashion plates too), or oblivious about everything (me). Every group has unwritten rules for dress, activities, doing (or not doing) class work, etc. The oblivious ones are those few on the outside, don't fit in any group, & pretty much ignore everyone else. One year a bunch of us got together & became out own clique. A first I guess. We started our own club, it was kicked out of school (Theoretical Problems Club, we discussed anything, including God, a nono), but, got our picture in the yearbook under Clubs, no one took us off the list. We got looked at strange, we didn't dress alike, or hang around together much, we were from different classes (another nono), but, the other cliques thought of us as one, so we were more accepted than at any other time. Even the 'misfits' fit somewhere.
Now if someone who looks like a he, wants to be called she, I'd do my best. Pronouns are too slippery anyway. If unsure I call them by name. The name they want to be called. Not necessarily the name they were given. I hated mine, I was named after my mother. Didn't like it as hers, didn't like it as mine. Now I am in a virtual world & the name at the top here is MY name.
Now if someone who looks like a he, wants to be called she, I'd do my best. Pronouns are too slippery anyway. If unsure I call them by name. The name they want to be called. Not necessarily the name they were given. I hated mine, I was named after my mother. Didn't like it as hers, didn't like it as mine. Now I am in a virtual world & the name at the top here is MY name.
Wolfie, non conformity is perfect. Guilty as charged here. Sometimes it is a small thing. I grew up in a school that prized football. I was very good at soccer, eons ago. That was weird then. I scored most of the goals for the school team. One day a bully on the sidelines punched me in the stomach. Maybe he thought I was a sissy for playing soccer. I was scrawny and gawky. The guy was from my school. I did nothing. My teammates did nothing. One day I heard that another guy, who heard of it but didnt know me, told the bad hombre that if he ever touches anyone on the soccer field he will have no teeth. Didnt see much of that guy again.
The administration was not involved. Nobody aked if I am gay, or trans or any of the other sixteen categories that they use as social engineering missiles today. I was none of these, and didnt think that me being a boy was ever in question. Nobody would have thought hate crime. There was no investigation.
It was a simpler and saner world. Nobody pushed me to consider my gender.
The administration was not involved. Nobody aked if I am gay, or trans or any of the other sixteen categories that they use as social engineering missiles today. I was none of these, and didnt think that me being a boy was ever in question. Nobody would have thought hate crime. There was no investigation.
It was a simpler and saner world. Nobody pushed me to consider my gender.
1
This fits perfectly with my notion that, just as sexual preference can be uncoupled from one's physical sex (=homosexuality), and gender identity can be uncoupled from one's physical sex (=transgendered state), so can gender-associated BEHAVIOR become uncoupled from one's physical sex AND sexual preference AND gender identity. Why else would you have transgendered females who are butch lesbians? or "tomboys" such as your daughter who are heterosexual cisgendered females? All of this takes place in the brain, they are independently determined by genetic, hormonal, environmental (pre- and postnatal), and cultural factors, and while in most people the four features (physical, sexual preference, gender identity, and gender behavior) are tightly coupled, they are independent enough that they can all become uncoupled in some way.
I think folks with a "conservative" point of view are unaware of these biologic facts (I consider them to be facts, anyway, borne out by empirical observation if not a detailed understanding of the neurobiology). I think "liberals" tend to jump on a simplistic bandwagon regarding gender identity, which i what you are seeing. It is similar to the phenomenon of talking about surgical alteration of children--we simply don' know enough about the subject yet to make that sensible.
I think folks with a "conservative" point of view are unaware of these biologic facts (I consider them to be facts, anyway, borne out by empirical observation if not a detailed understanding of the neurobiology). I think "liberals" tend to jump on a simplistic bandwagon regarding gender identity, which i what you are seeing. It is similar to the phenomenon of talking about surgical alteration of children--we simply don' know enough about the subject yet to make that sensible.
2
Ms. Davis, if you get a chance to see a production of the play, A Kid Like Jake, I recommend it.
It's called androgyny, and it's a sign of intelligence - male or female.
4
The current op-ed fascination with transgender has left me in the dark. I know the story is about people who dress and act the opposite of the sex they were born with but never know which is which, who's who, or what's what. On he other hand, it's none of my business to begin with.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could amend the English language to include non gender specific words to describe people. Heshe and shehe both sound silly--why is a person's sex (oops, must be PC and say "gender") so important? Aren't there some better, if new, gender neutral terms that can be used to describe human beings?
Maybe not the most important solution to our sex sensitized society , but it certainly would help. And why can't any person be a hero? "Workers" is a much better term than "workmen" or workwomen" and has already been pretty widely accepted.
Maybe not the most important solution to our sex sensitized society , but it certainly would help. And why can't any person be a hero? "Workers" is a much better term than "workmen" or workwomen" and has already been pretty widely accepted.
2
THANK YOU!!!! And how blessed she is to have you in her life.
Nice article.
Just to keep the perspective though: if you think that society still does not give girls who do not identify themselves as transgender or lesbian the latitude to be 'tomboys', or 'non-femenine', etc, imagine for a minute the absolutely refusal of society to give men who do not identify themselves as transgender or gay the same latitude to be 'effeminate' or 'delicate'.
Just to keep the perspective though: if you think that society still does not give girls who do not identify themselves as transgender or lesbian the latitude to be 'tomboys', or 'non-femenine', etc, imagine for a minute the absolutely refusal of society to give men who do not identify themselves as transgender or gay the same latitude to be 'effeminate' or 'delicate'.
5
My 3.5 year old son is just starting to go through this. He is a boy, emphatically insists he is a boy, plays with a wide variety of toys, and just happens to love wearing dresses and nightgowns.
I see no problem with this, although I do wish the grandparents would stop badgering him about the dresses. It doesn't affect anyone, so why comment?
I see no problem with this, although I do wish the grandparents would stop badgering him about the dresses. It doesn't affect anyone, so why comment?
16
Until the early 20th century all children were dressed in dresses. I don't know what age it stopped at for boys.
Please keep the dresses away from you son. What are you going to do when he wants to where dresses to school? And telling him he can't wear them won't hurt him one bit.
1
He has worn them a few times at preschool, with no issues. And if someone did have a problem with it, well, that's their problem.
It's not true that telling him he can't wear dresses won't hurt him one bit. It's completely normal at this age for boys to try on dresses and wear them sometimes, yet it is extremely unlikely that he is transgender (one does not predict the other). But just in case he is, I also know that transgender kids who don't get support from their families are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those who do get support.
I would also never, ever tell my girls that they can't do or wear something just because they are girls. So I won't do that to my boy, either.
I love my kids, just how they are.
It's not true that telling him he can't wear dresses won't hurt him one bit. It's completely normal at this age for boys to try on dresses and wear them sometimes, yet it is extremely unlikely that he is transgender (one does not predict the other). But just in case he is, I also know that transgender kids who don't get support from their families are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those who do get support.
I would also never, ever tell my girls that they can't do or wear something just because they are girls. So I won't do that to my boy, either.
I love my kids, just how they are.
Herein lies the uncomfortable marriage of the concepts of gender fluidity and transgenderism; how can one simultaneously affirm that gender roles are a societal imposition yet also encourage people to conform to one or another based on how they feel inside? Obviously, the logical solution is to stop pressuring people to act any specific way based on their respective genetalia or even what genetalia they want to have. Just be who you are, whatever that means. Unfortunately, appeals to reason often fall on deaf ears when there is dogma to be defended.
33
That is exactly what I was going to say! We struggle to tear down stereotypes, and then point to a stereotype as evidence of a gender realization. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I think it also means that we're headed in the right direction, however. Progress takes time.
1
This is so necessary for people to understand! Especially now, when everything kid-related has been gendered to such a repulsive extreme - the pink and blue store aisles, the pink and blue everything, it's disgusting. Finally there's some pull-back happening after the growing dissent, but we need to keep up the fight and return childhood to the children. All colors, all toys and all clothes belong to all children. Period.
This speaks to me personally as well. I grew up in a time and place where toys were just toys, and clothes were just clothes. It was before the drowning wave of pink. Back then, pink was for babies. I wore all colors but preferred what's now considered "the boy look", "the boy activities" and "the boy toys". My father loved embarrassing me for it, but I didn't care. As an adult, I still hate pink, sparkles and princesses, and prefer working in my woodshop. But I do not feel like, nor want to be, a man.
Similarly, my wonderful manly husband has long hair, dresses with taste, and loves cooking and dancing. Countless people have assumed him to be gay over the years. But he has never felt like, nor wanted to be, a woman, or gay, either.
We have a toddler daughter and a baby son, and can't wait to see what personalities they develop. Our daughter is already tearing down the stereotypes, just like her parents. I'm proud that she picked her own favorite color - dark blue - instead of going with the pink flow like her friends. That's how it should be.
This speaks to me personally as well. I grew up in a time and place where toys were just toys, and clothes were just clothes. It was before the drowning wave of pink. Back then, pink was for babies. I wore all colors but preferred what's now considered "the boy look", "the boy activities" and "the boy toys". My father loved embarrassing me for it, but I didn't care. As an adult, I still hate pink, sparkles and princesses, and prefer working in my woodshop. But I do not feel like, nor want to be, a man.
Similarly, my wonderful manly husband has long hair, dresses with taste, and loves cooking and dancing. Countless people have assumed him to be gay over the years. But he has never felt like, nor wanted to be, a woman, or gay, either.
We have a toddler daughter and a baby son, and can't wait to see what personalities they develop. Our daughter is already tearing down the stereotypes, just like her parents. I'm proud that she picked her own favorite color - dark blue - instead of going with the pink flow like her friends. That's how it should be.
8
i was a tomboy back in my youth. in those days, the 50's, the message was pretty strong that girls were second class and being a boy was much better, but i don't think that was my impulse: i was just rowdy and active. since then, my generation kicked aside the idea that girls are second class. i'm still rowdy, and as active as i can be at 73, but i'm definitely female, and happy being so.
12
A very nice and timely piece. Bravo for you and your daughter.
I'm a 70 year old guy. Reading this brought back a personal memory relevant to these issues: as a 20-something I had to take a battery of tests given to all students in a graduate professional program I was entering. One was a psychological test that positioned the taker on a "masculine-feminine" scale. I was and am still today - very much into - and also quite good at - almost any sport you can name. And I certainly never had any doubts or regrets that I was all boy. So I was quite surprised, puzzled, and downright offended to see that I scored near the middle of the M-F scale. When I asked about what I saw as a very inaccurate reading, I was told that I scored high in my attraction to music, literature, and philosophy - and scored very low (accurately, as my wife will happily testify) in attraction to mechanical things. The former were deemed "feminine" and the latter "masculine". I remained offended and thought that this was one of the stupidest things I had ever heard. It certainly was an extraordinary example of the way supposedly "scientific" characterizations can reify quite adventitious cultural stereotypes.
The other memory this piece brought back to me was that the girls who most attracted me almost always had some "tomboy" in them. I think that was because I want to hang out with people who like physicality, are active rather than passive, and are responsible rather than dependent.
I'm a 70 year old guy. Reading this brought back a personal memory relevant to these issues: as a 20-something I had to take a battery of tests given to all students in a graduate professional program I was entering. One was a psychological test that positioned the taker on a "masculine-feminine" scale. I was and am still today - very much into - and also quite good at - almost any sport you can name. And I certainly never had any doubts or regrets that I was all boy. So I was quite surprised, puzzled, and downright offended to see that I scored near the middle of the M-F scale. When I asked about what I saw as a very inaccurate reading, I was told that I scored high in my attraction to music, literature, and philosophy - and scored very low (accurately, as my wife will happily testify) in attraction to mechanical things. The former were deemed "feminine" and the latter "masculine". I remained offended and thought that this was one of the stupidest things I had ever heard. It certainly was an extraordinary example of the way supposedly "scientific" characterizations can reify quite adventitious cultural stereotypes.
The other memory this piece brought back to me was that the girls who most attracted me almost always had some "tomboy" in them. I think that was because I want to hang out with people who like physicality, are active rather than passive, and are responsible rather than dependent.
11
One of the most famous tomboys in literature is Scout in Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. Interesting that the general view on her was as an ordinary girl growing up in the small town South who had a father who loved her dearly and for whom she loved dearly.
15
Thank you! This has been on my mind for years and. I am a 68 year old (heterosexual) WOMAN, tho never accused of being a lady!! Yes I was a fervent tomboy preferring the clothes games, activities, and companionship of boys over girls. Still do for the most part. I've wondered if in today's world I would be pushed into the trans category before I had time to make up my own mind. When I was perhaps 4or 5 I told my mom I wanted to be a boy, even anatomically. I loved playing cowboys and Indians and was the inseparable companion of my younger male cousin. Somewhere along the way I started dressing in a more conforming way -- maybe it was required at school. But I still tested 'male preference' on aptitude tests, loved science, and ended up in computer science excelling to the highest corporate levels in a male dominated industry - happily as a woman! I never believed that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. Women at work would ask how I managed to be 'one of the boys!' Tho perplexed by the question I would usually respond that I just don't think of myself as less. It seemed that most girls were raised to believe they couldn't compete, and luckily I never was. Just glad no one started redetermining my gender at a young age, as I continue to enjoy being a woman and the company of men!
11