It is indeed a hear warming essay. Bat as some of the other readers have already commented, it will soon become banal. Mark this date on your calendar, and you will from now on, start getting recommendations from janitors, maids, shoe-shines, buskers, etc. sending recommendation. As this is America soon such recommendations will start costing a fee. Then there will be race to see who can become the first millionaire flogging recommendations which warm the cockles of the heart. And the sellers will advertise their product as as: Good for the candidate, good for for proud producer, good for the school, and thence good for America.
45
Wow.. what a refreshing and heart warming story. I never forget kindness in my interactions and in fact were the basis of long term friendships! Thank you Ms. Sabky for this beautiful essay.
16
My son is entering this rat-race in a years time.
"Until admissions committees figure out a way to effectively recognize the genuine but intangible personal qualities of applicants, we must rely on little things to make the difference""
The problem lies in the admissions committees themselves. Many of them do NOT look for "genuine but intangible qualities", because they ARE only looking for the fantastic. The word among my son's group is that the "big universities" always give preference to alumni, sons of alumni, or relations of alumni. And money talks. What do I tell him?
"Until admissions committees figure out a way to effectively recognize the genuine but intangible personal qualities of applicants, we must rely on little things to make the difference""
The problem lies in the admissions committees themselves. Many of them do NOT look for "genuine but intangible qualities", because they ARE only looking for the fantastic. The word among my son's group is that the "big universities" always give preference to alumni, sons of alumni, or relations of alumni. And money talks. What do I tell him?
46
Interesting. As a Harvard College alum, I did interviews in Los Angeles in the '90s. All six kids had great grades and scores. Five of six were interesting, personable, and some even had politics. The sixth was a high-tech grind, superior grades and test scores, working at TRW after school, almost zero affect. He's the one who's going to get in, I told myself. That's exactly what happened, and I never interviewed for Harvard again.
46
I had two experiences this week that could
punctuate this lovely article. A parking patrol lady
in an underground area of a large shopping
mall in LA was trying to protect me from a van
and nicely told the driver that he was in the wrong
lane. Rather than complying, he screamed and cursed
her as he sped away. Thanking her, I noted
his rudeness. She shook her head saying it happens
all the time. In another case, at Costco, a man in
line screamed at the cashier as she was doing her
money transfer. Feeling humiliated for
her, I noted his meanness. She
said it happens all the time, that I wouldn't believe
it....(He then stopped screaming).
Kindness does need to be noted and rewarded.
Perhaps the college admissions process
of seeking goodness in prospective students
will be meaningful. I hope that
the boy who returned her granola bar gets into
his first choice university.
punctuate this lovely article. A parking patrol lady
in an underground area of a large shopping
mall in LA was trying to protect me from a van
and nicely told the driver that he was in the wrong
lane. Rather than complying, he screamed and cursed
her as he sped away. Thanking her, I noted
his rudeness. She shook her head saying it happens
all the time. In another case, at Costco, a man in
line screamed at the cashier as she was doing her
money transfer. Feeling humiliated for
her, I noted his meanness. She
said it happens all the time, that I wouldn't believe
it....(He then stopped screaming).
Kindness does need to be noted and rewarded.
Perhaps the college admissions process
of seeking goodness in prospective students
will be meaningful. I hope that
the boy who returned her granola bar gets into
his first choice university.
29
To be cynical about it, you took the bait. Probably some admission consultant suggested the family to get an unusual letter. Now, service workers have to help rich kids to get into an ivy league school.
80
Sounds like this student was a wonderful person, and smarter than all the other butt-kissers, too. Nevertheless, cue the flood of annoying recommendation letters from custodians, lunch ladies, bus drivers, crossing guards, maintenance workers...all the people in jobs that our future Ivy League grads will - for the most part - never think twice about again. It's sad how stratified our society has become. I bought the cleaning guy in my office a cake for his retirement, but my coworkers don't even say thank you to the staff. It is their loss (not the staff's!).
For one of my application essays, I had the annoying "if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, fictitious or real, who would it be and why?" Rather than write some drivel about Ben Franklin or my dead grandmother, I wrote about Cindy Crawford. It was 1994, and I was a 17 year old boy, and the truth of the matter was that I WOULD have picked her over Le Corbusier or Christopher Columbus or even God, and I figured a little honesty would be refreshing. And Penn agreed.
For one of my application essays, I had the annoying "if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, fictitious or real, who would it be and why?" Rather than write some drivel about Ben Franklin or my dead grandmother, I wrote about Cindy Crawford. It was 1994, and I was a 17 year old boy, and the truth of the matter was that I WOULD have picked her over Le Corbusier or Christopher Columbus or even God, and I figured a little honesty would be refreshing. And Penn agreed.
69
While I understand the general thought behind this opinion piece, I have trouble with the idea that you can form opinions about a person on their email address or if they have a bad day and their mother is bugging them about the college they are visiting. That seems unprofessional at the least, however if we gloss over that part and go to the main issue: that you educate leaders and academics rather then everyone. I am always amazed on how the US acts when it comes to higher education. I get that there will always be elite schools, and the need to pick the best applicants, however the way this process is explained in this piece seems sort of useless. Kindness has nothing to do with being a good physicist or scientist, nor has it anything to do with knowledge. I get that kindness is not the only thing they look for, but it seems like they are looking for personalty rather then aptitude. Take this for what it is, my opinion.
19
The good news is that a degree from a so-so school won't hold you back once all those coal mines start hiring again.
24
Wonderful story. Clearly this student was raised well. For other parents who would like to raise their children to be responsible, kind, capable people, I highly recommend Julie Lythcott-Haimes' book "How To Raise An Adult." She is the former dean of freshmen at Stanford. Like this writer, she has seen a lot of gifted young people, who may or may not have the personal qualities that we all know, in our hearts, lead to personal and professional happiness.
8
Hurrah for the custodian! I wonder if the applicant even knows of the custodian's letter -- it makes it all the more heartwarming to think it was private correspondence for which the custodian did not expect anything in return, not even a thank you.
3
Once, as a young administrator at an ivy league university, I was asked to join a group of faculty and administrators on a search committee for a very high level position (a vice provost). We had at our disposal the services of a consultant from a search firm, who developed a list of candidates for us to mull over and eventually invite (some of them) to campus for interviews. I never forgot his telling us that one of his vetting methods is to investigate how candidates interact with and treat support/clerical staff in their current jobs. He placed emphasis on this and, and a consequence, so did we.
49
This essay brought tears to my eyes. It's so true that the quality of kindness, is something that should be given equal weight along with the high test scores, cumulative average, extra curricular activities and community work. Those are the kids who should be given the chance to succeed. One look at the people who run corporations and our government should indicate how far we've fallen from this standard. It's time to evaluate character along with scholastic achievement, just as in the old days, as we prepare our children to lead us into the future.
32
I thank Ms. Sabky for this essay. Kindness and good character count, not just achievement. Colleges and employers should take note. We'd all be the better for it.
14
Bet no custodian ever wrote a letter for Trump's admission. Imagine what would happen if schools could accurately evaluate character as part of admission. Then imagine if character was considered the most important qualification for admission. Perhaps then we would have honest, kind graduates going into business and government. Of course, this would mean the end of the GOP as we know it today. It would certainly change Wall Street too.
21
Good point!
1
Kindness counts even beyond school. I've always believed my ability to get things done in the workplace -- From minor things like getting help with audiovisual equipment to getting hold of important people - stemmed from trying to treat everyone with respect. It's no accident that bosses often ask their administrative assistants or receptionists to help them decide whom they should hire or trust.
9
...and from now on, no application will be considered complete without the letter from a custodian
8
What a great essay. That is the mark of true character and education, how a person interacts with anybody which is in a weaker position, be it a janitor a homeless man or a person with a disability.
1
A Servant's heart , should never go out of style.
10
To me, this column exposes one of the problems of admission directors -preconceived ideas of what constitutes exceptionalism. A case in point at Dartmouth where I graduated and was a varsity athlete...one of the author's predecessors at Dartmouth denounced athletics, and indirectly, me. The same could go for an admissions officer minimizing any of the plethora of skills applicants present for their judgment because of bias. This can work in reverse with over-valuing something that, while nice, shouldn't outweigh other factors that are equally or greater in importance in determining admission. I never would have been admitted had that admissions director been in office when I applied, even if a cafeteria worker had written how polite I was. While I believe in the time-worn saying that "it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice," that still doesn't change my belief that niceness is in the eye of the beholder and shouldn't be selectively used as a factor in an admissions decision at Dartmouth or any other institution of higher learning.
11
Beautiful piece.
10
I used to be the director of the grounds crew and the custodial crew at a public university. What a difference these little acts would make to a custodian! On behalf of everyone who has ever been in the industry, thank you to that student. Thanks also to Ms. Sabky for giving such a public forum to this situation. Any pat on the back, however indirect, you can give to a custodian, do so! These people aren't your mother (usually), and they still pick up after you, for little pay and even less thanks!
42
I agree wholeheartedly. The custodian letter is wonderful.
Dartmouth is consistently rated as a top school in US. However I would hope that students who receive " I regret to inform you" letters are not too disappointed.
Why? Because the school does not make the person. A young person can go to most any US University and be extremely successful in life and career if they approach their college years with the right attitude.
Dartmouth is consistently rated as a top school in US. However I would hope that students who receive " I regret to inform you" letters are not too disappointed.
Why? Because the school does not make the person. A young person can go to most any US University and be extremely successful in life and career if they approach their college years with the right attitude.
28
I hate to say this but the people you describe as leaders are the next generation of takers...trained to believe that they are better than everyone else. They strut and preen. The person who gave you your bar would nat have a chance but I'd prefer a leader like him or her.
19
It really says something that basic human interrelations make a college applicant a standout.
19
The college application process has become a nightmare for most students and their families. Even kids with great grades, all the necessary extracurricular activities, and real talent will be rejected, and rejected at so many schools it is heartbreaking. I know first hand, having watched the process as my son applied this fall. He is not the same person he was when he started to apply. Some of his light has been unfortunately extinguished. And he would have been the kid to pick up a dropped granola bar, and return it to a speaker. He is the kid who tutored others in math, science and computer programming for nothing more than a smile, who plays jazz sax and sings all the time, and who would do anything for a friend.
My comment to D: it isn't legacy admissions that is undoing college placement. Most of the top universities have eliminated that. Yes, big donors can often get their less deserving children in. The crazy thing now is a combination of enormous grade inflation and the process of cramming for standardized exams. If a mediocre kid with a good memory and lots of cash can study up for AP exams, SAT/ACT tests, and other supposed measures of future success, and then have straight As because of grade inflation, a brilliant kid with natural talents will be rejected. I'm sorry, but this is just wrong.
My comment to D: it isn't legacy admissions that is undoing college placement. Most of the top universities have eliminated that. Yes, big donors can often get their less deserving children in. The crazy thing now is a combination of enormous grade inflation and the process of cramming for standardized exams. If a mediocre kid with a good memory and lots of cash can study up for AP exams, SAT/ACT tests, and other supposed measures of future success, and then have straight As because of grade inflation, a brilliant kid with natural talents will be rejected. I'm sorry, but this is just wrong.
21
Lot of classist and unkind assumptions about custodians- clearly you buy into the idea that people who are not in white-collar positions are just there because they're uneducated and lazy.
18
Thank you for this piece. I like to hear when good things happen to kind people.
5
I don't know what the newer generation was taught but as a baby boomer, we weren't taught to blow our own horns and place ourselves ahead of anyone else. At least that was the understanding in Vermont with a Roman Catholic upbringing. We were too busy feeling guilty for everything wrong in the world.
My recommendations for todays students would be do good acts from the heart. Don't let your peers or others influence what you feel on the inside. Just be yourself. If your parents did a good job of raising you, and even if they didn't, your conscience is your guide. It matters not what college you go to, it matters where you can shine, and grow. Setting a rigid path for your future guarantees a rigid future, not a happy one. I was not admitted to my first choice as I was not mature enough to achieve. After one year of college and three years in the working world, I became much more focused. Please yourself.
My recommendations for todays students would be do good acts from the heart. Don't let your peers or others influence what you feel on the inside. Just be yourself. If your parents did a good job of raising you, and even if they didn't, your conscience is your guide. It matters not what college you go to, it matters where you can shine, and grow. Setting a rigid path for your future guarantees a rigid future, not a happy one. I was not admitted to my first choice as I was not mature enough to achieve. After one year of college and three years in the working world, I became much more focused. Please yourself.
6
The true measure of a person is when no one is watching and when a beneficiary of 'goodwill' is in no position to reciprocate. ["Why didnt you cry when you fell down. Because you werent home to hear me cry."]. When one admits a mistake [cheating etc] rather than let a friend take the fall.
Kindness and patience of adults passes through to their childten; rudeness does too! Your childten will learn from your behavior, and much less from your exhortations.
Kindness and patience of adults passes through to their childten; rudeness does too! Your childten will learn from your behavior, and much less from your exhortations.
4
Right now all over America, ambitious, privileged parents of ambitious, privileged students are ghostwriting letters for school custodians.
Faking kindness: the latest trend in college admissions.
Faking kindness: the latest trend in college admissions.
40
Yeah, that's rough having so many qualified applicants. I'll bet there's severn other schools in your sports league that can totally relate. Get ready for recommendations from lepers -- although if kids are nicer to them, I guess that's a good thing. It's going to be a race to the bottom though. BTW, I suspect former Presidents, famous golfers, and Olympic athletes are all busy people. Why not free them, their acquaintances, and everyone else who doesn't have the juice to force them to write letters for their kids and say you don't accept recommendations? Can you really tell the difference? I'll bet your school would be quite popular with both the applicants and their parents.
8
Kindness is extremely undervalued in America.
23
Get ready for a flood of letters of recommendation from school custodians.
6
Really, the only good acts in life are the ones you are sure you will never get credit for.
19
Many years ago on a "dark and stormy night" I arrived to teach my evening humanities class drenched from head to toe. I asked the class if anyone perhaps had an extra pair of dry socks. One of the young women in our class, who was very kind and very bright, said "I drove my husband's Jeep to class and he always keeps a pair of dry socks in it. A few years later my chair asked me about this young women when she applied to our graduate program. I said "she's a wonderful and conscientious student and she once even loaned me a pair of her husband's socks." My chair said "you'll have to explain that one."
31
Elite college admissions are a game the rich play to win and -- like in most other endeavors -- they get what they want. Admissions officers, whether they would like to admit it or not, have one primary goal in mind when they assess applicants: admit those who -- as alumni -- will make the greatest positive impact on the school, either in money or prestige.
If you are a person who is truly full of grace, you may very well want to opt out of this exceedingly shallow game.
If you are a person who is truly full of grace, you may very well want to opt out of this exceedingly shallow game.
25
You have given me a valuable opportunity honor Bill Stierle, head of maintenance for what in the 1970s was called Chaminade High School for Boys, in Hollywood, Florida. “Pop” also was an advisor for Chaminade’s camera club, and when Chaminade’s sister school refused to equip an existing darkroom on its own campus, Pop took pity on me. He taught me the basics of photography, as well as how to develop film and print black-and-white. (I had solo access to Chaminade’s darkroom only long after school hours, of course, and more than once I had to climb the high chain-link fence around the campus in my uniform because I lingered on after the gates were locked.)
Pop didn’t have to write a reference for me to change my life. He inspired a love of photography that lasts to this day. When it came time to apply to journalism school, I did so with the fundamentals of the craft already in my quiver.
Some folks in Hollywood know Pop as the traditional, Catholic dad of eight who eventually came around to support – fiercely – his son Edward’s pursuit of a dancing career. And when Edward died young of AIDS, Pop became an advocate for education and awareness.
If we’re looking for people to name buildings after, Pop Stierle is first on my list.
Pop didn’t have to write a reference for me to change my life. He inspired a love of photography that lasts to this day. When it came time to apply to journalism school, I did so with the fundamentals of the craft already in my quiver.
Some folks in Hollywood know Pop as the traditional, Catholic dad of eight who eventually came around to support – fiercely – his son Edward’s pursuit of a dancing career. And when Edward died young of AIDS, Pop became an advocate for education and awareness.
If we’re looking for people to name buildings after, Pop Stierle is first on my list.
19
Although I think of myself as kind, I ran into another barrier last year when I joined a high end sports club with plenty of custodian/workers. My initial desire was to blend in with the members, and I feared that being overly friendly with the custodians might harm my "status." So months into my membership, I pulled back a bit.
This lasted for a few weeks. Then, I realized that the custodians were no longer so friendly, so welcoming to me. I asked myself whether I missed their warmth (I did) and whether this colder person was whom I wanted to be. (It was not). After that, I reversed course. Now, I can probably tell you more about their lives, fears and desires than can many others.
The key for me was to realize that personal insecurity and class consciousness can get in the way of real interaction, which is at the heart of kindness, of being a good person. Especially with class consciousness on the rise in this age of income inequality, it was a definite learning lesson.
This lasted for a few weeks. Then, I realized that the custodians were no longer so friendly, so welcoming to me. I asked myself whether I missed their warmth (I did) and whether this colder person was whom I wanted to be. (It was not). After that, I reversed course. Now, I can probably tell you more about their lives, fears and desires than can many others.
The key for me was to realize that personal insecurity and class consciousness can get in the way of real interaction, which is at the heart of kindness, of being a good person. Especially with class consciousness on the rise in this age of income inequality, it was a definite learning lesson.
17
Because of an acquired [permanent] disability, I've had the privilege of serving three stints as both a full-time AmeriCorps/VISTA and AmeriCorps/State volunteer (stateside Peace Corps) over the last 20 years. As a reward for each, an educational grant in the amount of $5,250.
State Rehab Agency paid for Community College; Business degree Univ of Houston; graduated debt free.
On a college application the service speaks for itself. Just like I planned it.
State Rehab Agency paid for Community College; Business degree Univ of Houston; graduated debt free.
On a college application the service speaks for itself. Just like I planned it.
6
How many thousaonds of high school kids who read this article (mostly at the insistence of their helicopter parents) are now aware of a new way to game the admissions process?
16
Exactly. My first thought reading this was, what a clever student. Second, is the author sure she didn't get gamed?
5
Apropos of nothing, I'm in my sixties.
No kids.
Most of my friends did have kids.
One couple's kids stood out the most.
Their parents had trained them to always address my wife and I, and all adults, as Mr. and Mrs. (Surname).
It reminded me of my own upbringing.
I miss civility.
No kids.
Most of my friends did have kids.
One couple's kids stood out the most.
Their parents had trained them to always address my wife and I, and all adults, as Mr. and Mrs. (Surname).
It reminded me of my own upbringing.
I miss civility.
11
When I was training to become an Army officer, one of our NCO instructors gave us a piece of advice that I have never forgotten: "Be nice to people on the way up as you'll likely see them again on the way down." As evidenced by some of the responses to this article, basic human kindness and courtesy are often greeted with suspicion. How sad. Whether such kindness and courtesy should be a determinate for college admission may be debatable, but we could certainly use a bit more of it in our every day lives.
24
Universities have become brands, no different than Google, Coca-Cola, or Nike. They invest a lot of money cultivating their brand for a reason, and that reason isn't the intellectual pursuit of knowledge or truth. Prestige means big donations and better odds of recruiting the hot researcher who get published. It all feeds this myth that an undergraduate education at School A is better than one at School B. Even when they use the same curriculum and the same textbook.
My wife grew up poor and worked like a dog to be admitted to Princeton, where she watched the rich and well connected privileged class drink and rape their way through school. Her peers continue to be rich and well connected. If she had it to do over again, she says she would have chosen State U. instead. A good school in its own right, and one that would have allowed her to save money blend with a more diverse group of people.
If you think there is a difference in the quality of undergraduate education for most majors, you're fooling yourself. Before getting lost in the pursuit of a fancy name, consider the possibility that you've been duped by another slick advertising campaign. Helicopter parents write fake essays and create fake business ventures in order to purchase a Ferrari, when the Honda Accord would have delivered their graduates to the same exact location at the same exact time.
My wife grew up poor and worked like a dog to be admitted to Princeton, where she watched the rich and well connected privileged class drink and rape their way through school. Her peers continue to be rich and well connected. If she had it to do over again, she says she would have chosen State U. instead. A good school in its own right, and one that would have allowed her to save money blend with a more diverse group of people.
If you think there is a difference in the quality of undergraduate education for most majors, you're fooling yourself. Before getting lost in the pursuit of a fancy name, consider the possibility that you've been duped by another slick advertising campaign. Helicopter parents write fake essays and create fake business ventures in order to purchase a Ferrari, when the Honda Accord would have delivered their graduates to the same exact location at the same exact time.
24
Nice essay. If the business world, our society, valued niceness as the number one trait, and not money, we wouldn't be in the pickle that we're in today. Higher education would be a great place to start such a revolution.
15
My dad was the school janitor. For most he was invisible, and I was the kid who was in the private school do to charity, therefore the lowest kind despite my good grades. This was in a catholic school. The harsh lesson that Christianity was more a theory than a practice was taught every day by the actions of my peers. Very few knew my dad's name or acknowledged him, but the few who did got to know a great guy. The others lost out.
54
Nice, DJ. It seems that some good comes from almost everything that happens. Your experience gave you valuable insight into Christianity. I know your dad was proud of you and no one can take that reward from you.
9
It has been said that a great person is the one who treats those below with the same interest, integrity and sincerity as those above. This young man stands out not because of his behaviour but because of the "Its all about me" attitude of his peers.
8
Acceptance and rejection from a selective college is fraught with emotional turmoil. Being an admissions officer is a tough job and the custodian's letter was extraordinarily helpful.
However, having graduated from an Ivy League school and taught part time at a California State College, there are some advantages to the public venue: The student bodies are more diverse and less imbued with the illusion of being special. They are more reflective of the diversity of this nation and they have as much to learn from each other as they learn in class.
Those not selected by Ivy League schools need not mourn their rejection. They will find rewarding paths to their future and will contribute to the well being of our civilization. More than ever, our democracy, needs thoughtful, informed citizens.
However, having graduated from an Ivy League school and taught part time at a California State College, there are some advantages to the public venue: The student bodies are more diverse and less imbued with the illusion of being special. They are more reflective of the diversity of this nation and they have as much to learn from each other as they learn in class.
Those not selected by Ivy League schools need not mourn their rejection. They will find rewarding paths to their future and will contribute to the well being of our civilization. More than ever, our democracy, needs thoughtful, informed citizens.
38
Lately I've been going through a lot. I'll skip the details. But every day I say to myself, "Just continue to be a good person. It will all work out." We can't control others, but we can control our own actions. Maybe it's because I live in a land of karma, I know that there is nothing more I can do.
Thanks for recognizing that it's all any of us can do.
Thanks for recognizing that it's all any of us can do.
24
When I was in high school back in the 70s all the custodial staff were very respected people. Two were former appliance repair men back in the day when the repair man came to the house to work on your appliance, when appliances were still made to be repaired instead of sent to the scrap heap when the planned obsolescence date was reached.
Long hair and the 60s were just getting to rural Kansas in those days and I think those guys were pretty disgusted with a large portion of the student body, given the ridiculous clothing youth were wearing at the time and unbeknownst to most of us, the country was already stepping down the path towards out-of-control consumerism, rabid individualism, and the glorification of greed, none of which make for showing respect to the "lower" strata of society.
Even now those talented and knowledgeable workers, without whom you would freeze in the winter and bake in the summer, die of food poisoning, or live in several inches of backed-up sewage are now seen as appendages of the technology they maintain for us, mere human switches to be called upon in an emergency and then forgotten. They are well paid as far as blue color labor is concerned, but are not accorded the respect they so deserve.
I wonder then, if this kind student who is so out of step with the machinery of the world he or she is stepping into won't be crushed to pieces by that machinery? Will the kind edges be worn off in order to run with the rats? Does burn-out await? I hope not.
Long hair and the 60s were just getting to rural Kansas in those days and I think those guys were pretty disgusted with a large portion of the student body, given the ridiculous clothing youth were wearing at the time and unbeknownst to most of us, the country was already stepping down the path towards out-of-control consumerism, rabid individualism, and the glorification of greed, none of which make for showing respect to the "lower" strata of society.
Even now those talented and knowledgeable workers, without whom you would freeze in the winter and bake in the summer, die of food poisoning, or live in several inches of backed-up sewage are now seen as appendages of the technology they maintain for us, mere human switches to be called upon in an emergency and then forgotten. They are well paid as far as blue color labor is concerned, but are not accorded the respect they so deserve.
I wonder then, if this kind student who is so out of step with the machinery of the world he or she is stepping into won't be crushed to pieces by that machinery? Will the kind edges be worn off in order to run with the rats? Does burn-out await? I hope not.
8
I don't know, at my medical office the building manager (essentially does all these roles) is pretty much royalty as far as respect. It sure doesn't hurt that he does a fantastic job. As we get older, we have been around long enough to know who really makes things work in the world.
9
After witnessing a sweet music teacher being disrespected and mistreated by her 5th grade classmates, my daughter came home upset and crying. I told her to write a note to the teacher to express her feelings. She did. At graduation he came up to me, patted his suit breast pocket and said that it meant the word to him and that he had carried the note with him that day. In high school my daughter made genuine relationships with the custodians and one was considered for a recommendation. She is now at Stanford. Sometimes there is kindness in this world and sometimes it is rewarded - yes, even by elite schools. Character counts.
30
I liked this story, but I am afraid this will become just another way to game the system, I can see high achieving parents all over the world finding people (likely with bribes) to tell how their kid was so kind and respectful now, the top schools will be flooded with 'human kindness', the way in recent decades they are flooded by kids who have this immense curiousity about everything, do all these wonderful things, yet who in real life only care about one thing, getting into that 'elite school' so they can become an investment banker and become rich.
Admissions has turned into a game. In their pursuit of finding an easy way to admit people (and ironically, show logical reasons to admit kids among cries of nepotism and classism), they focused on test scores and grades and AP tests as the prime measure to get in, when that was gamed, they then came up with the EC hustle, to show character, and so forth..that got gamed (having seen the EC hustlers up close and personal, take it from me, they don't give a crap about what the EC is, only that it looks good on paper). Now we see cries of discrimination from high achieving Asian students who have all the checkmarks, and a court could rule that only stats need apply, not heart.
Having seen many of the kids who wanted to go to an ivy to reach for the brass ring, I can tell you the one thing most of them lack is a heart.
Admissions has turned into a game. In their pursuit of finding an easy way to admit people (and ironically, show logical reasons to admit kids among cries of nepotism and classism), they focused on test scores and grades and AP tests as the prime measure to get in, when that was gamed, they then came up with the EC hustle, to show character, and so forth..that got gamed (having seen the EC hustlers up close and personal, take it from me, they don't give a crap about what the EC is, only that it looks good on paper). Now we see cries of discrimination from high achieving Asian students who have all the checkmarks, and a court could rule that only stats need apply, not heart.
Having seen many of the kids who wanted to go to an ivy to reach for the brass ring, I can tell you the one thing most of them lack is a heart.
74
This is what interviews are for. In fact, this is what interviews should have always been for. Savvy interviewers should be able to flesh out what kind of high schoolers are in front of them, presuming they care to probe for the right things.
Your cynicism is palpable, but, to quote Mohandas Gandhi, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."
Your cynicism is palpable, but, to quote Mohandas Gandhi, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."
7
I wonder whether anyone from the admissions office bothered to call the author of the letter, to check on the circumstances that led to its writing and transmission.
Remember that some parents hire coaches to help with their children's admissions process. I am given to understand that some of these coaches are very creative indeed.
Remember that some parents hire coaches to help with their children's admissions process. I am given to understand that some of these coaches are very creative indeed.
23
I'm bothered by your use of the word "bothered." I see your point about coaches and other methods of gaming the admissions process. At the same time, though, my understanding is that admissions committees work very hard to see through such stratagems.
6
Yup, these coaches help your student's application STANDS OUT amongst the pile of applicants. Here in this northwest suburb of Boston, parents have the means to not only send their kids to private schools (even though the public schools are among the best in the state) but also pay hefty sums to college coaches. They literally outsource the application process to the coach.
The stress and competition is so high, that some towns have to find ways to help their students cope with the stress. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/05/education/edlife/overachievers-studen...
The stress and competition is so high, that some towns have to find ways to help their students cope with the stress. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/05/education/edlife/overachievers-studen...
12
I once valued kindness as an innate quality. In my older age, I have come to realize that it is very much a product of the environment a person grows up in and the circumstances they go through. Everyone has kindness in them and need to be treated with respect, patience and love or even the very kind can become bitter and discouraged, or be repeatedly taken advantage of, or bullied because of their kindness. It is difficult to be an accurate judge of whether another person is truly kind of what is truly in their heart. I know many teenagers who put up a front or cover of toughness because of being harmed when they were too nice. I read somewhere a true leader is one that brings out the best in others.
16
As a person who's been rejected numerous times throughout life, I find this essay reassuring. I've always considered myself kind and thoughtful. It's enough just to know some people notice. Have a wonderful day.
19
What a heartwarming essay! On a day when my heart was heavy with the appalling news of the nation and the world, this almost feels like the missing ingredient that could change everything. If we could once again elevate those precious qualities of humanity -- kindness, generosity, and good will -- and aspire to them, value them, look for them when we are choosing leaders or jobs or products we buy, would that not transform every story in the news?
Very sweet story about one college applicant who was courteous to someone of perceived lower status. Let's assume it can all be verified and a great kid got a strong boost on his college admissions quest. Thanks Dartmouth! Now how about Dartmouth naming one of it's buildings after a real dedicated member of their maintenance, security, or administrative staff. That would really make an impression on students, and be a real boost to staff moral.
23
I always taught our kids "It's nice to be important but more important to be nice." The message clearly worked.
9
I live in Utah and I believe extracurriculars are a back-door method for favoring religious applicants. The Mormon church arranges activities for members. Individual kids put fantastically little work or thought into the projects. They show up for an hour and list it on their resumes.
An example is sod-laying for a local hospital a few years back. Nobody knew about it except Mormons and the local paper trumpeted that 500 volunteers showed up. How many do you believe got dirt on their hands?
An example is sod-laying for a local hospital a few years back. Nobody knew about it except Mormons and the local paper trumpeted that 500 volunteers showed up. How many do you believe got dirt on their hands?
13
Sometimes I think admissions departments ask the wrong questions. If you ask boilerplate questions, you'll receive boilerplate answers. Describe a challenge. Discuss an accomplishment. Share your story. How many students opt to write an essay on a topic of their own choosing? You've already funneled the conversation into a format that's uniform by design. I believe the technical term is selection bias.
Fortunately enough, admissions departments do get it right sometimes. I'll give you an example. My best friend in college was admitted solely on his essay. He wrote 500 words on how much he likes ice cream. Personally, I was rejected initially. I met with an admissions staff member to appeal the decision. Apparently something about my degenerate youth resonated with her. Maybe she spent time in Irving Plaza with a fake ID too. Either way, I eventually got in.
Fortunately enough, admissions departments do get it right sometimes. I'll give you an example. My best friend in college was admitted solely on his essay. He wrote 500 words on how much he likes ice cream. Personally, I was rejected initially. I met with an admissions staff member to appeal the decision. Apparently something about my degenerate youth resonated with her. Maybe she spent time in Irving Plaza with a fake ID too. Either way, I eventually got in.
7
I agree in theory, but I can envision now an entire cottage industry built around packaging students as "good, kind-hearted individuals"--complete with bus drivers, mail carriers, the guy who cuts the lawn, all heaping praise on some 16-year-old for being the next Mother Theresa. With millions of kids applying to colleges every year, it all rings hollow once anything becomes a trend. Dig ditches in Guatemala! Weave blankets in Nepal! Serve soup to the homeless! Once it becomes just another checkmark on a resume, it loses its altruistic credibility and lends itself to cynicism and skepticism: Kids going through the motions of "good" rather then actually knowing what good truly is.
16
When I was a journalism student at Drake University 50 years ago one of the most popular classes was radio and tv production. The professor was dynamic and the class was fun. It was an "easy A" -- except if you forgot to thank the crew after a floor exercise. Then, you flunked. It was a good lesson for me as I began my career. It's "the little people" who can help you out and, besides, it makes working more pleasant for everyone.
15
I have struggled a bit to pinpoint why I find this column so unsettling. Perhaps it's the thought of a mass of affluent teenagers in full suck-up mode mobbing a top-tier college admissions administrator. Or perhaps it's that a generation of affluent parents, having shut the door on social mobility for most Americans to protect their own privilege, produced a generation of cookie-cutter offspring so indistinguishable from one another that the guy who treats a minimum wage worker like any Sunday School graduate circa 1930 would have done, really stands out. Or perhaps it's the fact that our nation's elite university have employed a cadre of overpaid bureaucrats to make admission decisions that would be better left to an algorithm or random chance.
Which brings me to another point. Why not just leave admissions to a random draw among applicants who meet the university's academic standards? Is a university student body "great" because it's composed solely of insufferable, people-pleasing do-gooders? And why should applicants be expected to meet Ms. Sabky's definition of good character? Is "diversity" really just a matter of ethnicity, or does inclusion mean accepting applicants other than your standard-fare affluent with a long history of "working with" this or that socially acceptable downtrodden group?
Which brings me to another point. Why not just leave admissions to a random draw among applicants who meet the university's academic standards? Is a university student body "great" because it's composed solely of insufferable, people-pleasing do-gooders? And why should applicants be expected to meet Ms. Sabky's definition of good character? Is "diversity" really just a matter of ethnicity, or does inclusion mean accepting applicants other than your standard-fare affluent with a long history of "working with" this or that socially acceptable downtrodden group?
58
Why not leave admissions to random draw or algorithims? Because you end up choosing numbers, not people. You end up rewarding statistics, not accomplishments. The nature of the person would be replaced by mathematical chance. Its not fantasy baseball- the Almighty A+ is not a legitimate mark of one's character, you know.
3
I disagree with much of your commentary -- but I like the idea of testing a truly random draw! It would be fascinating to see what kind of student body resulted. It might, however, be difficult for college orchestras, bands, choirs and sports teams trying to fill out specific parts of their rosters.
2
A post led me to thinking...why do college applications ask for ethnicity, and can we assign a number to each application so the applicants names do not give away their ethnicity? If they base their admissions on merit and are not biased (by race, religion, etc as they claim) I would think this would be one step in the right direction.
Also, I think it is best if people on the selection committees do not come out and write books or articles on what they are looking for or impressed them, to avoid those that "game the system".
Also, I think it is best if people on the selection committees do not come out and write books or articles on what they are looking for or impressed them, to avoid those that "game the system".
4
I know it's hard to judge, but just the fact that you recognize the importance of kindness and generosity.
You may worry that you mostly won't be able to tell the difference - but here's the consolation: most of the person's friends and colleagues will be able to tell, and they will reciprocate. Chances are that people who are naturally kind and generous will live happier lives, with more friends and stronger support systems.
You may worry that you mostly won't be able to tell the difference - but here's the consolation: most of the person's friends and colleagues will be able to tell, and they will reciprocate. Chances are that people who are naturally kind and generous will live happier lives, with more friends and stronger support systems.
9
This is very refreshing after often witnessing in my suburban town students who were nasty to other students benefitting in the college admissions rat race from supposedly benevolent activities that were actually done almost entirely by their parents.
17
Thank you for this article. Emotional intelligence and empathy (especially when combined with a strong education) are forces that change our world for the better every day. I applaud colleges and universities for valuing these characteristics, as our world needs more empathetic leaders. This type of character development is something the Jesuits have long valued and worked to instill in their students.
Thank you, Ms. Sabky. You brought back fond memories of the humble custodian in my elementary school in rural Maine. Mr. Bolduc was wise and funny and knew all of us by name. He treated us with kindness and respect, and he may well have been the favorite adult in the building. He led by example and I'm truly fortunate that I was raised among people like him. It's harder to absorb a worldview of kindness and respect among the entitled silver spoon crowd.
13
Anybody applying to a university like Darmouth has done their homework and if they are any good, knows how to play the game. What the author of this essay describes is nothing more than a very good move by one of the applicants and she felt for it. If anything, this applicant deserves admission not because the custodian says the kid is kind but because this kid played this admissions officer, someone who should be able to see thru gimmicks like this, beautifully. Just the kind of devious, manipulative and conniving thinking you need to succeed in the United States.
14
I'm sorry that you are so cynical. This is a lovely article.
1
That is certainly a possibility. But why assume the worst? What would it take to convince you that the student was genuine? Life gives us many opportunities for cynicism, but not all of them are justified. The kid returging the granola bar, for instance, didn't hang around long enough to self-promote.
9
Why so cynical? Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
9
I have found no truer indicator of a person's character than how they treat others, especially those without status. For those who say this is not a good criterion for admissions, I would reply that it's a strong signal of how much they will respect the educational opportunity they are given.
21
What drivel. We all know what counts in Ivy League admissions: legacy and money.
Anyone who thinks it doesn't is lying to themselves, or is a complete sap.
Anyone who thinks it doesn't is lying to themselves, or is a complete sap.
8
That's the case for some but not all alumni. Sorry you didn't get in.
5
My father went as far as the 10th grade and worked as a house painter. I graduated from a high school in the Bronx. Harvard gave me a full scholarship. This seems to blow your theory.
8
Unless you were selected for that purpose, as a token.
5
As the Ethics teacher in my high school, I am proud to say that I witness this from freshmen to seniors on a daily basis. We are a "true community" where everyone is valued. There are always teenage moments, but the overarching generosity and kindness warm my heart.
Thank you for this wonderful article.
Thank you for this wonderful article.
3
Wouldn't it be nice if this were a requirement? "Sorry, you haven't demonstrated enough sincere kindness so far". True kindness demonstrates empathy, both of which are sorely needed today.
12
If we had two hundred million more people like this student our country wouldn't be in the mess it's in.
17
If we accept that there are actually very, very few geniuses then can we move beyond the simplistic belief that only people with SAT Scores in the 98th or above percentile and with 4.57 G.P.A.'s and who have founded two "Start-Ups"
and three Orphanages in Sub-Equitorial Africa deserve admission to your
"Highly Selective" University.
Is there really that much difference between a High Scorer and "Do Everything
and Anything" applicant and a Lower Scorer who Mowed Lawns during his Summers ?
What ever happened to the Creative Minds that gained entrance to Universities
without outstanding 'Credentials' ?
Please accept more kids, and that is what 17/18 years old are, who think for
themselves and are quite willing to justly question the "Status Quo".
and three Orphanages in Sub-Equitorial Africa deserve admission to your
"Highly Selective" University.
Is there really that much difference between a High Scorer and "Do Everything
and Anything" applicant and a Lower Scorer who Mowed Lawns during his Summers ?
What ever happened to the Creative Minds that gained entrance to Universities
without outstanding 'Credentials' ?
Please accept more kids, and that is what 17/18 years old are, who think for
themselves and are quite willing to justly question the "Status Quo".
15
There are more "geniuses" then you expect, even if we accept that only the top 5% of IQs would be considered genius level, that is still, roughly 16 million people.
The problem is that people think genius only appears in one form, and that is over achievement and high test scores.
It doesn't. It comes in many forms. It comes in kids who are really strong in one area and really weak in another.
And often, people miss it when they see it.
My oldest son is a genius. Not just gifted like the rest of the household. He sees things and approaches things very differently then the rest of us, in ways we wouldn't even consider.
For example, he is taking AP English Comp this year. They were tasked with reading a book and turning in a response to the book. The response could be in any form. So my son decided that because he likes creating music, he would compose a song based on the emotional swings in the book. (mind you he has basically self taught himself to compose music, just as he is teaching himself to play the piano, and he's doing it in the same way he taught himself to read at age 2).
The teacher completely missed the genius in what he did (and focused on the fact that she didn't like the book choice).
The creative minds gaining entrance without outstanding credentials are out there.. but many of them just have very different ideas on what they want their further education to look like. And often it doesn't look like an Ivy league school.
The problem is that people think genius only appears in one form, and that is over achievement and high test scores.
It doesn't. It comes in many forms. It comes in kids who are really strong in one area and really weak in another.
And often, people miss it when they see it.
My oldest son is a genius. Not just gifted like the rest of the household. He sees things and approaches things very differently then the rest of us, in ways we wouldn't even consider.
For example, he is taking AP English Comp this year. They were tasked with reading a book and turning in a response to the book. The response could be in any form. So my son decided that because he likes creating music, he would compose a song based on the emotional swings in the book. (mind you he has basically self taught himself to compose music, just as he is teaching himself to play the piano, and he's doing it in the same way he taught himself to read at age 2).
The teacher completely missed the genius in what he did (and focused on the fact that she didn't like the book choice).
The creative minds gaining entrance without outstanding credentials are out there.. but many of them just have very different ideas on what they want their further education to look like. And often it doesn't look like an Ivy league school.
Reminds me of my daughter's answer to a question on Stanford's app and I thought back then (2015), "Oh, she'll never get in with that answer" but I didn't suggest she change it; I thought she really gets it ("life"). Ends up UCLA got her - she's super happy and kind!
From Stanford app: What matters to you, and why? (100 to 250 words)
Kindness. It’s a quality I look for in everyone I meet, every friend I make. If I could accomplish one thing in my life it would be to continuously exude genuine kindness. Growing up in New York City, it isn’t rare to run into a fair number of jaded souls, run down by the constant blare of car horns, subway delays and city crowds. Meeting someone who doesn’t think twice about giving a compliment or holding the door open is a novelty. It raises my hope that there is more good in the world than bad, and it pushes me to be a better person: to smile more, to listen rather than hear myself talk, to overpower the pessimism with optimism. Kindness is power. Kindness is confidence. Accomplishing a sense of consideration for others is not just about being outwardly kind; it’s about changing my mindset so that the negative thoughts that occasionally sneak up on me happen less and less. As much as I want to contribute to the medical world, improve upon my skills in the arts and sports, and lead a fulfilling life, if I could succeed in only one area of my life I would like to forever be a kind person, with a generous heart, with ease, above all else.
From Stanford app: What matters to you, and why? (100 to 250 words)
Kindness. It’s a quality I look for in everyone I meet, every friend I make. If I could accomplish one thing in my life it would be to continuously exude genuine kindness. Growing up in New York City, it isn’t rare to run into a fair number of jaded souls, run down by the constant blare of car horns, subway delays and city crowds. Meeting someone who doesn’t think twice about giving a compliment or holding the door open is a novelty. It raises my hope that there is more good in the world than bad, and it pushes me to be a better person: to smile more, to listen rather than hear myself talk, to overpower the pessimism with optimism. Kindness is power. Kindness is confidence. Accomplishing a sense of consideration for others is not just about being outwardly kind; it’s about changing my mindset so that the negative thoughts that occasionally sneak up on me happen less and less. As much as I want to contribute to the medical world, improve upon my skills in the arts and sports, and lead a fulfilling life, if I could succeed in only one area of my life I would like to forever be a kind person, with a generous heart, with ease, above all else.
41
Your daughter is eloquent as well as wise.
7
I feel compelled to share this story. At the small alternative school were I taught we had an interesting custodian who went from Catholic monk, to a successful stint on Wall St. and then to us (long story). The local newspaper ran a contest for high school students on success at making stock market predictions and returns. Ed (everyone knew his name) decided to start a class with a small group of students. What a rag tag bunch they were, but for every class Ed wore his suit. These kids during free time were pouring over the Wall Street Journal and other financial publications and their enthusiasm was real. Well Ed and his bunch of misfits took first place. I just loved the picture of the group in the newspaper...must have shocked a lot of people. These students would never get into Dartmouth, but oh how they shown. Here's to all the great custodians in this world and to kindness wherever you can find it.
23
If you want to be a rebel, be kind. ~ Pancho Ramos Stierle
Live that mantra everyday. Why not, best way to live.
Live that mantra everyday. Why not, best way to live.
17
I can vouch for Ms. Sabky from personal experience. My daughter included a letter of recommendation in her application to Dartmouth College which emphasized her kindness above her other qualities. Now she's a Dartmouth '18 (and loves it there).
I'm so glad Dartmouth admitted the young man whose fine letter of recommendation was from a school custodian. What a marvelous indication of character.
Many thanks, Ms. Sabky. Your son has a wonderful mother.
I'm so glad Dartmouth admitted the young man whose fine letter of recommendation was from a school custodian. What a marvelous indication of character.
Many thanks, Ms. Sabky. Your son has a wonderful mother.
4
This kid sounds much better than the recent Stanford admit who merely wrote black lives matter 100 times on his application
9
FACT CHECK:
Barb, I found this claim unbelievable and looked it up. It is all over right wing media, but even there, if you read the *whole*articles and not just headlines, you learn the *whole* truth.
Even the conservative outlets acknowledge that Ziad Ahmed had more than enough qualifications to get into Stanford, regardless of his quirky answer to one application question. His well-documented academic & personal accomplishments are noted below, in media on BOTH sides. Isolating and amplifying a tiny piece of truth and treating it as the whole truth is a form of deceit.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4380076/Teen-wrote-BlackLivesMat...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/ziad-ahmed
know that story is popular in all the right-wing media
Barb, I found this claim unbelievable and looked it up. It is all over right wing media, but even there, if you read the *whole*articles and not just headlines, you learn the *whole* truth.
Even the conservative outlets acknowledge that Ziad Ahmed had more than enough qualifications to get into Stanford, regardless of his quirky answer to one application question. His well-documented academic & personal accomplishments are noted below, in media on BOTH sides. Isolating and amplifying a tiny piece of truth and treating it as the whole truth is a form of deceit.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4380076/Teen-wrote-BlackLivesMat...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/ziad-ahmed
know that story is popular in all the right-wing media
5
Ms.Sabky, you're right in a central way. Kindness seems a bygone quality in this new world led by Mr. Trump. He epitomizes qualities that many parents would hate to see in their children. All through this last election, we saw Trump slash and taunt his opponents in crude language; sadly, the crowd cheered and yelled hateful chants. So, this is the new example by the leader of our brave new world.
Hence it becomes clearly striking when a young student displays a keen awareness of those who are often ignored and treated like backdrops to the comfortable lives we expect.
Commendations are due to his parents who have raised that young man. He will serve his country well, unlike the current boor we have as our president.
Hence it becomes clearly striking when a young student displays a keen awareness of those who are often ignored and treated like backdrops to the comfortable lives we expect.
Commendations are due to his parents who have raised that young man. He will serve his country well, unlike the current boor we have as our president.
11
Isn't that the value of an essay test? I always had trouble with True/False and Multiple Choice Questions in college; because, many were so vague that they could be interpreted in various ways. Also, any professor or T/A in the right-mind, would rather be dealing with some essays, which could be easily ranked, than a bunch of people, playing the Numbers Game (exclude the obviously wrong, and guess among the remaining two).
Also, our education system is so focused on the What and When, rather than the How and Why, and perhaps what that led to. Memorizing when Martin further nailed his 76 thesis to the church door doesn't lead to why that was more important than a religious act.
The Reformation taught Western Europeans to question authority, which led the the Age of reason, Enlightenment, Exploration, etc. That's why the insignificant backwater that was Europe, began to develop economics, science, explore the world, the Industrial Revolution.
Go look for that kid with your snack, and admit him. He'll be a true leader someday!
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
Also, our education system is so focused on the What and When, rather than the How and Why, and perhaps what that led to. Memorizing when Martin further nailed his 76 thesis to the church door doesn't lead to why that was more important than a religious act.
The Reformation taught Western Europeans to question authority, which led the the Age of reason, Enlightenment, Exploration, etc. That's why the insignificant backwater that was Europe, began to develop economics, science, explore the world, the Industrial Revolution.
Go look for that kid with your snack, and admit him. He'll be a true leader someday!
https://thetruthoncommonsense.com
18
I really enjoyed reading this essay. Yes, kindness. So important in life. And some kids, and many parents, have lost sight of that. It is a shame.
I have, in my old HS scrapbook, a picture of me and my cheerleading squad from 1977 with our janitor, Pops, standing behind us. He was always there after school cleaning up messes with a smile and we just all liked him. I think everyone knew him.
Thanks for reminding us what is truly important during all the college application frenzy. Raising kind kids should be paramount. And just yesterday my advice for my nervous, soon-to-be college freshman daughter was, just be nice. Everything else will then fall into place.
I have, in my old HS scrapbook, a picture of me and my cheerleading squad from 1977 with our janitor, Pops, standing behind us. He was always there after school cleaning up messes with a smile and we just all liked him. I think everyone knew him.
Thanks for reminding us what is truly important during all the college application frenzy. Raising kind kids should be paramount. And just yesterday my advice for my nervous, soon-to-be college freshman daughter was, just be nice. Everything else will then fall into place.
11
I loved this essay...
And, y'know, some of us out here do stuff like this all the time; holding doors, letting others go first, going around the neighborhood picking up garbage, keeping an eye on the subway door in case a person with crutches, an expectant lady or an elderly person gets on and would like to sit down, and seeing where, in the course of a day, we can restore someone's faith in the human race by being thoughtful in some way.
I didn't was admited into no collage, though!
Maybe I should build a time machine, go back to 1980 and apply!
And, y'know, some of us out here do stuff like this all the time; holding doors, letting others go first, going around the neighborhood picking up garbage, keeping an eye on the subway door in case a person with crutches, an expectant lady or an elderly person gets on and would like to sit down, and seeing where, in the course of a day, we can restore someone's faith in the human race by being thoughtful in some way.
I didn't was admited into no collage, though!
Maybe I should build a time machine, go back to 1980 and apply!
12
There are now going to be Kaplan classes on how to be kinder.
18
A university that teaches you how to get accepted into a university. Next they'll have Pre-K Pre-college prep courses if they don't already.
Thank God I'm old.
Thank God I'm old.
Most things in the lives of high school students is counted & measured: GPA; Test Scores; if s/he has been a team captain, president of the student body/club/organization & how many; number of hours dedicated to some type of community service. In their quest to reach the next chapter in their lives, either college or a post high school job/career path, qualities such as character and kindness toward others can be lost in the calculus to be the 'winner', get an appointment to a 'named' college.
I highly doubt their will be a flood of letters from custodians in next year's applicant pool. High school students are racing at a frenetic pace to apply to more colleges, do more things. Perhaps it is the time to help them see developing their character & ability to be kind to all around them will in the long run lead to their success in the world.
I highly doubt their will be a flood of letters from custodians in next year's applicant pool. High school students are racing at a frenetic pace to apply to more colleges, do more things. Perhaps it is the time to help them see developing their character & ability to be kind to all around them will in the long run lead to their success in the world.
5
Never underestimate the janitor (see 'Election', dir. Alexander Payne, 1999)
4
It is so wonderful to read something like this, and to see so many heart warming responses. Thank you, Rebecca.
4
I have been witness to many a college applicant, who is a "good person" receive acceptance to a college because their tuition was paid in cash . Their grades ( a "c" average to include average and some below average PSAT and SAT scores ) their entrance essay and, the interview had little to do with them receiving a letter of acceptance. Cash is king.
I am the only one who is witnessing so many "good", bright, talented and motivated young adults being left at the curb? In this 21st century world , a secondary education is needed to enter a workforce that, at the very least can support a middle class living. In addition and, I believe to be the most important; a secondary education exposes a young citizen to social, academic, cultural and intellectual development that encourages and supports the importance of being engaged citizens.
No being a "good person" does not lead the parade to gain access to secondary education.
I am the only one who is witnessing so many "good", bright, talented and motivated young adults being left at the curb? In this 21st century world , a secondary education is needed to enter a workforce that, at the very least can support a middle class living. In addition and, I believe to be the most important; a secondary education exposes a young citizen to social, academic, cultural and intellectual development that encourages and supports the importance of being engaged citizens.
No being a "good person" does not lead the parade to gain access to secondary education.
2
Young adults left at the curb? Perhaps not getting into his or her first choice in elite schools is something other than being left at the curb. Most high school students can and will get accepted to college. Obviously not all will go Dartmouth but they can go on to college.
2
I wasn't referring to others. It's how I live my life. It's normal to me. I wouldn't know how to act another way.
1
As a college professor, I see a range of empathy in my freshman students everyday, from the way they respond in class to the opinions in their essays. Because they're so young, often it's narcissistic. Then last year, three days into the new semester, my father died, and I had to cancel two days of classes. When I returned, a student came up to me before the end of class. He handed me a sympathy card he had signed by every student in the class. His thoughtfulness touched me more than I could say, sadly because it seemed so rare.
28
If students now become overachievers in kindness, the world will become a better place. Thank you.
7
Either the story is fake or this student was purposely gaming the system to stand out. The message from all the elite schools is very clear - we want letters from your teachers - we do not have the time to read letters written by anyone else. If you absolutely must have someone other than your teachers write the letter, then please make sure that you have had a lot of interaction with the person. A custodian clearly does not fit those criteria. So his/her letter should not have had an impact on this students admission. To me this article again proves the random nature of the admission process in some of these institutions where legacy, wealth and connections are placed at a premium in practice but authenticity/empathy is talked about in theory.
Most of the "titans" of the corporate world come from these elite institutions - I may be in the minority here but I cannot see the "empathy" that made them get into these institutions... 99% of them are selfish, money hungry people who only care about themselves. The givings to their alma-mater should not be miscontrued as philanthrophy - they are just doing it to reserve a spot for their kids - so the circle of life can continue.
Most of the "titans" of the corporate world come from these elite institutions - I may be in the minority here but I cannot see the "empathy" that made them get into these institutions... 99% of them are selfish, money hungry people who only care about themselves. The givings to their alma-mater should not be miscontrued as philanthrophy - they are just doing it to reserve a spot for their kids - so the circle of life can continue.
13
For most students and their parents, even if the custodian was their BFF and even if the custodian ASKED to write a recommendation letter (which is extraordinary itself, if true!) -- most parents, custodians and students would never dream it would carry this kind of weight.
I think this was a wild gamble on the part of a clever parent, who knew their nice but unremarkable kid needed SOMETHING -- anything -- to make him stand out. I think they dreamed this up -- wrote the letter themselves (it doesn't sound like the language any custodian would use) and paid the custodian a few $50s to get him to sign it.
Parents try all kinds of things to make their kid stand out and get into the most desired schools -- fake volunteer jobs, fake poverty tourism, fake business start ups (actually run/funded by the parent) -- and at least initially, they DO work -- until 10,000 other parents figure it out and do the exact same thing.
Oh well. It will be a good year, this year, for custodians and janitors with those $50 bills piling up!!!!
I think this was a wild gamble on the part of a clever parent, who knew their nice but unremarkable kid needed SOMETHING -- anything -- to make him stand out. I think they dreamed this up -- wrote the letter themselves (it doesn't sound like the language any custodian would use) and paid the custodian a few $50s to get him to sign it.
Parents try all kinds of things to make their kid stand out and get into the most desired schools -- fake volunteer jobs, fake poverty tourism, fake business start ups (actually run/funded by the parent) -- and at least initially, they DO work -- until 10,000 other parents figure it out and do the exact same thing.
Oh well. It will be a good year, this year, for custodians and janitors with those $50 bills piling up!!!!
7
I find it sad that Sam can't even imagine an anomaly in his bitter world that would allow for the events described, and that his worldview is so threatened that is must be discredited out of hand.
2
Actually, the Dartmouth application has a peer letter of recommendation separate from teacher recommendations.
It can help shed light on another side of the applicant that is not captured by GPAs and test scores.
It can help shed light on another side of the applicant that is not captured by GPAs and test scores.
I was a teacher for 37 years. When I was in college in the late 60's and early 70's one of my professors told the class. "Keep your room clean, do all that stupid paperwork in a timely manor, and always remember the clerical staff and the custodians are the people you need to know if you want to succeed in your career. The rest is secondary." That was the most practical career advice I ever got, and over the decades it proved to be the valuable as well. With all the pie-in-the-sky education theories, administrative initiatives, quests for this or that, in the end the bottom line was always the bottom line.
97
Guess i'm on the fence as to whether this applicant was as good as he seemed on paper. I have been through the process now with three children. People don't volunteer to write letters, you have to ask. You have to think about the person you are asking and what they are adding to your application. It is a very deliberate process. So I hope that this student is the wonderful person you describe. Certainly, genuinely kind, moral young men and women should be rewarded in the admissions process.
19
A sweet story, but in the end just another checkbox now in the monumental effort, mostly driven by anxious, ambitious, and manipulative parents, to game the system and get their kids on the "ladder." The college admissions system in this country is a bust. Parents and students are trying to claw their way to the top of the pile by sending their kids to named schools. And for what? Status? Guaranteed jobs? To breed another generation of students who know nothing and care less about the lives of janitors or all the service workers who serve their needs? Like I said, a cute story. But nothing that will bring about systemic change.
16
But the problem is that today -- more so than ever -- having that Ivy League college on your resume IS a gateway to jobs -- to knowing "the right people" -- to having advisors and professors who can get you internships and job interviews -- "networking" -- and it DOES result in status, great jobs, future success and wealth.
Every single member of SCOTUS went to Harvard or Yale.
Every single member of SCOTUS went to Harvard or Yale.
Right now we live in a world where it is trendy to be in your face. It is the norm to undercut others. Compassion is seen as a weakness. Any means to a selfish end. I remember noticing that this shift in values began in the early '90s. Not sure why, but maybe it was something on television, or some way celebrities behaved. But the shift has brought us to today and a world where it's popular to remove food from elders' tables, stop help to expectant mothers, ship fathers away from their families, and not care in the least who suffers. I hope your essay does start a revolution, a counterculture that once again might value kindness, might value generosity.
imho: W O W
thank you so so much
3
I have been one of the fortunate people. Though not a financial success, I have found my interaction with people to be supremely rewarding. As I ruminate on this essay, I recall the people who showed kindness to me. Interestingly, they did not turn out to be the presidents, senators, rock stars, billionaires, CEOs ... and I did meet many of these. They were the cashier hidden in a cubicle at a 5 star hotel who was in her 80s, a cook who had five children and adopted my puppy who I had to part with, my third grade teacher who, when I was 16 and hadn't seen here for 7 years, recognized me with a hug in an airport in a foreign country, and the unidentified "Santa" who dropped his bag of clothes and wonderful toys, as well as a large box of holiday dinner groceries, at the door of my apartment when I was a struggling single mom. I suppose I must have been kind along the way. But I never thought about it. I just always enjoyed the people who projected the aura of open communication that so many commenters here seem to devalue as riches. I am 70 and have lived a rich life, the bank of which holds the countless pennies of everyday snippets of interaction with people...many of them not identified with names -- just their moments of humanity. It is a shame that so many who comment here are so cynical and jaded that they can only see success in power or financial gain. We need to stop and smell the roses, or even give someone one for no reason at all except to see them smile.
54
Mountain
I want you for a friend! Who wouldn't? Your words are precious.
MIMA
I want you for a friend! Who wouldn't? Your words are precious.
MIMA
5
Janitors at elite high schools across America will be baffled by the number of requests for letters of recommendation that they're about to get.
34
After 40 years of "Me first" and "how to be a winner at all costs" it is immensely important to see the ship of culture turning back toward valuing the virtues of kindness and decency. These are the real bulwarks against barbarism. It's what the Nazis couldn't wipe out in Germany: the people, even when threatened with the death penalty and their own hunger in times of want, who would give a half of loaf of bread to a starving Polish slave laborer or sneak a bag of cookies to a Russian POW. These small gestures affirm we are human.
19
The most important attribute of a leader is also the most difficult to measure, character. Competence is no substitute. Competence trains, character teaches. And, a leader teaches the organization everyday. Too bad there are no admissions departments for CEOs or political leaders.
7
In applying for medical school my son received letters of support from a variety of people. I know in my heart that one of the letters that you'd least expect would be important was one he received from a hospital director of volunteers when he was in high school.
She was effusive in her praise of his kindness,his sense of humor and the fact that no task was too much to ask of him. Everyone enjoyed working with
him.
He's been a doctor for over 27yrs.
This wonderful article illustrates for me what is important for college students to realize. How important it is to take the time be kind. I feel a person's emotional EQ is as important as their IQ.
She was effusive in her praise of his kindness,his sense of humor and the fact that no task was too much to ask of him. Everyone enjoyed working with
him.
He's been a doctor for over 27yrs.
This wonderful article illustrates for me what is important for college students to realize. How important it is to take the time be kind. I feel a person's emotional EQ is as important as their IQ.
17
"But if it means students will start paying as much attention to the people who clean their classrooms as they do to their principals and teachers, I’m happy to help start that trend."
I jumped up and down when I read this. The world has plenty of geniuses, star pupils, athletes, singers, etc. - what we desperately need is more people who care.
I've been teaching in international schools for 5 years now: 3 years in Cairo, Egypt and 2 in Accra, Ghana. Most of my students come from very wealthy families. Many of them behave accordingly, but a very large number of them do just the opposite: they behave with an enormous level of humility and graciousness.
In fact, I've learned a few lessons from several of them - and I'm grateful for all of them.
Thanks for writing what we all need to be reminded of. Hope this catches on!!
I jumped up and down when I read this. The world has plenty of geniuses, star pupils, athletes, singers, etc. - what we desperately need is more people who care.
I've been teaching in international schools for 5 years now: 3 years in Cairo, Egypt and 2 in Accra, Ghana. Most of my students come from very wealthy families. Many of them behave accordingly, but a very large number of them do just the opposite: they behave with an enormous level of humility and graciousness.
In fact, I've learned a few lessons from several of them - and I'm grateful for all of them.
Thanks for writing what we all need to be reminded of. Hope this catches on!!
29
Great kid, a very nice Op-Ed...but I'll be the fly in the ointment for this sentence caught my eye, "There are so many talented applicants and precious few spots. " Did anybody else see this as tragic? Two super talented candidates, one makes it into a top school and the other goes into a State school. The grad from the Ivy or the other top school has a network that catapults him or her into a great job and the State School graduate, might even be a honors student, has to struggle for a few years before the bosses see the promise. Its not merit that works here but connections.
This should be an indictment of our school and collegiate system when we are unable to design a more equitable system.
This should be an indictment of our school and collegiate system when we are unable to design a more equitable system.
24
It's really not the schools or teachers that are the valuable asset here -- it is the network, the favors, the prestige and the friends you make -- who are likely to all be wealthy & influential -- you get the perfect summer internships, that catapult you into the perfect graduate school and then the perfect career at a high paying prestigious company.
Ask Chelsea Clinton.
Ask Chelsea Clinton.
3
Attempting to divine the true nature of one's character, wether from a person's own utterances, or from the scribbles of a third party, as illustrated here, seems like a futile endeavor indeed.
When I was an adjunct teacher, at some point during the semester I would ask my students who they thought were the people who could most influence their careers. Their guesses were often themselves or their bosses, both of which can be true. But I directed them to think about others who would influence them, like the secretaries/administrative assistants and other gatekeepers that surround higher-ups, and the folks who keep your administrative infrastructure, like phones, computers, copiers, etc. going. I advised them to treat these folks with respect, because they were the ones who could keep you from moving forward and upward. I am unsure how many of my 20/21 year old students really paid me any attention, but I hope that it may have resonated later in life.
7
The next trend in helicopter parenting: Niceness Coaches.
9
or maybe just acting coaches to create that aura.
3
It's very simple and comes down to one basic fact: kindness counts. We need to be aware and live by the Golden Rule that is to treat others as you would want to be treated.
7
I love kindness and agree that we should nurture and reward it as much as we can. But we should also recognize that all of these soft criteria for college admission leave wide open the gateway for excluding people who are different or have been treated differently in their life. What about a smart kid who must deal with unrest at home? Should that kid be at a disadvantage because she doesn't have the mental bandwidth to treat the janitor differently? Admitting the people we like lends itself very quickly to admitting the people like us. Tertiary education is the ticket out of economic hardship for most people and it stinks to think that 17 year olds are granted that privilege on a complex popularity contest.
13
I was a university professor for 44 years, and, I knew the names of the custodians and departmental staff. Nevertheless, I don't think that characteristic made me more qualified for my job. Grumpy, introverted, and (yes) selfish people are just as deserving, if they are qualified.
Creating civic minded citizens (nice people) is a laudable goal, but it should not be a prerequisite for college admission.
Creating civic minded citizens (nice people) is a laudable goal, but it should not be a prerequisite for college admission.
12
Indeed. The assumption that you have to be chatty and outgoing to be a 'nice' person is worrying enough in itself, without making it an admission criteria for something completely unconnected.
1
You must have missed the part where the author wrote, "He was clearly bright, as evidenced by his class rank and teachers’ praise." The author's point about the importance of the student's subjective qualities - thoughfullness, kindness - made him a more deserving candidate for admission. Grumpiness and selfishness don't help.
1
Kindness is NOT about being extroverted, chatty, or nice. If you think that, you've been greatly misinformed despite your experiences. Some of the kindest people I know are tough or even curmudgeons on the surface but when you are down and out, need true advice, or someone to back you up, they are there. An example - my demanding unergrad professor who used to disparage my plans about going into medicine -- not real science in his mind -- but when he saw this was what I really wanted introduced me to his colleagues at the med school so I could receive some mentoring from them.
2
Is it really such a good thing that admission depends so much on the feelings of the admissions officer? Happiest with "our kind of people". Just too lovely for words, I'd say.
6
Well, you can certainly see from how the kid from Moose Jaw, Arkansas or Hazard, Kentucky are NOT going to get into Dartmouth -- they don't know the clever little strategies to tug at the heartstrings of the elites who make up the Admissions committees! Their parents are not ingenious enough to come up with this stuff.
They don't have the money for foreign travel or summer internships, because they have to go work at Dairy Queen or Walmart to earn MONEY for COLLEGE.
That's why the most rare and endangered species at Ivy League schools is now "white working class kids from flyover country".
They don't have the money for foreign travel or summer internships, because they have to go work at Dairy Queen or Walmart to earn MONEY for COLLEGE.
That's why the most rare and endangered species at Ivy League schools is now "white working class kids from flyover country".
7
With so many qualified applicants, who are admissions officers kidding when the try to pick "the best."? The result of this charade is to cause students seeking admission to collect faux credentials that they think will impress.
My wife's solution (I can't claim credit): create a pool of all applicants designated as qualified based on one or more objective factors and then make the final cut by lottery.
My wife's solution (I can't claim credit): create a pool of all applicants designated as qualified based on one or more objective factors and then make the final cut by lottery.
Colleges only have themselves to blame for the robotic, boring, "Stepford", applications that they get each year. They have convinced parents and college counselors that high school should be a long list of activities that they can add to their applications in order to impress a selection committee. I think every applicant should submit their SAT score and their cell phones for review so that the committees can see what students are really up to. (last sentence is a joke, sorta)
8
Nice article, but this business of cut-throat competition to get into the "best" schools is an absolute disgrace. We all know that money weighs more than talent mostly (or kindness). And we should know that talent will succeed with the very available, very high-quality education at schools such as the West Cost public university I attended. Until somebody shows me that having a more impressive educational resume makes for a better and happier life, I'll let others do meaningless padding of their high-school resumes and sweating the admission process. Talent and skill has a way of prevailing, even among dropouts.
5
A couple of generations ago, this essay would be unnecessary . That behavior was expected of everyone. It was the person, regardless of age , who was inconsiderate who stood out. Today, our incivility is the result. I hope the thoughtful students the writer mentions never change.
8
"A couple of generations ago, this essay would be unnecessary . That behavior was expected of everyone."
Well, at least to white people.
Well, at least to white people.
2
It would be interesting to know how and why this student decided to take the unusual step of submitting a letter of recommendation from a custodian. If it was all planned out (not to say he's not genuinely a kind person), then maybe he's even smarter than everyone already thought. If it wasn't all planned out, then what led him to do it?
5
Thank you, Ms. Sabky, for your positive reinforcement of the importance of kindness in the world. I plan on sharing your piece with my 8th graders as they explore careers and the realities of preparing for college or other career paths. Your message also reinforces our school's focus that treating others compassionately, no matter who they are, is the right thing to do.
Yeah, I WISH college admissions were like this.
4
Can we finally stop all these non-sense when it comes to college admissions? This is the United States where money talks so at the end of the day, if you have money, you get in regardless of "kindness". And once you graduate, see how far "kindness" will take you finding a job, climbing the ladder or getting investors. Look at the person so many American voters decided should run the country. He is the epitome and proud product of what the United States is as a culture and a as social group. He and his crew are as far as "kind" or "wholesome" a person can be but there they are thanks to their money.
6
Once in a while I meet the person cleaning the washrooms at a movie theatre or restaurant. I always thank them. They are doing important work. Without them I could get sick just from using a public washroom that hasn't been cleaned. Surely that is a noble profession and should be treated with respect. How we ever got the idea that this is work to look down on is beyond me.
Maybe great schools should revive local interviews by alumni. There's nothing like somebody who will interview a student's teachers, employers, acquaintances. An assessment of manners, kindness and caring seems essential, and a simple inquiry. That got me to Cornell, the best education you could design, though I recognize it is a unique place. Resumes are what the writer wants them to be, makebelieve, nonsense often the result of magical thinking. Like the world of social media and email, the student review process as a form of communication lacks the reality of eyes looking into eyes in favor of the most shallow conartistry possible.
When we were in elementary school everyone knew Mr. Riley and had visited the boiler room. Everyone counts to most little kids. Kindness isn't something learned. It is something not forgotten.
6
Kindness is wonderful. I am 1000% in favor of kindness.
It's just that 99.99999% of the time it will not get you into the Ivy League, nor get you a great job, or elected or any other perk in life.
If anything, kindness is a disadvantage -- seen by many as a "weakness". I wish I had a dollar for every job where I knew the custodial staff, and was kind to them and well-liked, but when the layoffs came 'round, I was the first one out the door.
It's just that 99.99999% of the time it will not get you into the Ivy League, nor get you a great job, or elected or any other perk in life.
If anything, kindness is a disadvantage -- seen by many as a "weakness". I wish I had a dollar for every job where I knew the custodial staff, and was kind to them and well-liked, but when the layoffs came 'round, I was the first one out the door.
4
However "nice" a teenager may be, 4 years at a college like Dartmouth will
teach him that nice guys finish last, custodians do not make opportunities for him, and there is no justice. If he can get out the fantasy wishful thinking world long enough to pay attention.
teach him that nice guys finish last, custodians do not make opportunities for him, and there is no justice. If he can get out the fantasy wishful thinking world long enough to pay attention.
9
Kindness is key in all actions and should be at the core of everything we do each and every day. Truly, no matter the size of the action, kindness is non negotiable. As a college counselor who advises students on the process of applying to college, I find this editorial a vital and inspiring reminder. It's not the best grades, the most number of awards won, it is what is in your heart and head that presents who you are and how you treat others that really matters most. What college or university doesn't want to admit a truly kind, generous, and giving student? Focus on empathy, that will take you far on life's road.
1
What happens to this kind person when she/he discovers that her/his professors are not kind people?
4
or when he/she discovers employers are not kind people?
2
Excellent article. I forwarded the link to my teenage son. Giving respect to everyone is extremely important in like. We in our household never forget to give Christmas cards to all the staff especially the bus driver, janitorial staff along with the teachers every year.
2
Years ago, at a Brown University class reunion, I was walking around with my friend from our undergrad years, Karen ... a union organizer in Providence. As people set up the tents and brought in the food, I started looking for some barbecue. But Karen was saying hello to the men and women who were erecting the tents and carrying the food from vans.
I'm still impressed by Karen's perception, knowledge, and politics.
I'm still impressed by Karen's perception, knowledge, and politics.
3
Beautiful piece! My most memorable complement was from a classmate I was with from kindegarten through high school. I saw him at a 20 or 30 year reunion. He told a story about what had occurred in elementary school (against me) and at the end thanked me for always being nice. I continue to be touched.
I taught this to my children and couldn't be prouder!
I taught this to my children and couldn't be prouder!
1
"But one letter of recommendation caught my eye. It was from a school custodian."
It would be interesting to know how this student fared at Dartmouth and perhaps later on afterwards.
Sending a letter from a custodian is an outstanding example of thinking outside the box but was also a colossal gamble. Sometimes you gamble and you lose.
Does kindness get you through university or is it just an extra or a tie breaker?
It would be interesting to know how this student fared at Dartmouth and perhaps later on afterwards.
Sending a letter from a custodian is an outstanding example of thinking outside the box but was also a colossal gamble. Sometimes you gamble and you lose.
Does kindness get you through university or is it just an extra or a tie breaker?
8
It was clever, and outside the box, but I suspect strongly the idea came from the student's parent -- and that the whole thing was orchestrated.
Likely this student had nothing outstanding in his records -- good grades, but every affluent white kid today has straight As and all AP classes and "the right volunteer jobs".
So the parent tried something new, and quirky -- it shouldn't have worked -- but it did. He won the Ivy League lotto for his kid!
Likely this student had nothing outstanding in his records -- good grades, but every affluent white kid today has straight As and all AP classes and "the right volunteer jobs".
So the parent tried something new, and quirky -- it shouldn't have worked -- but it did. He won the Ivy League lotto for his kid!
5
God, it never would have occurred to me to ask the name of custodians or cafeteria workers at my school. I wasn't a mean kid or snobby. But clearly I was very self-involved--or, I guess, just very well adapted to the advanced capitalist system, in which you interact with roles, rather than with the people occyping them.
When I worked as a school nurse I noticed every once in awhile there would be a student who was genuinely and comfortably kind, unassuming, but confident.
It seemed that type never really thought about "being nice" but did it automatically, not phony, but humbly, and then on their merry way.
Wouldn't we all like to have our own kids thought of like that? Obviously some adult out there did something right.
It seemed that type never really thought about "being nice" but did it automatically, not phony, but humbly, and then on their merry way.
Wouldn't we all like to have our own kids thought of like that? Obviously some adult out there did something right.
6
It's the unassuming part that clicked w/ me: the fight to get into college generally discriminates against those who are unassuming [and not coached to overcome their reticence] and who see respect of others as a given, and would not even think of it as a strength.
1
Second comment: There's a religious quality to this piece. Like Weber's explanation of the Protestant Work Ethic, it reinforces a meritocratic myth about Ivy League admissions.
But let's be real: with the huge volume of intelligent students, from around the world applying, the selection process for any qualified candidate is largely random, gamed by the requirements of politics and fund-raising.
Following this column, I await the appearance of ads for Kindness Academies in the back pages of The New Yorker, preparing high school students saints for their college applications.
But let's be real: with the huge volume of intelligent students, from around the world applying, the selection process for any qualified candidate is largely random, gamed by the requirements of politics and fund-raising.
Following this column, I await the appearance of ads for Kindness Academies in the back pages of The New Yorker, preparing high school students saints for their college applications.
5
Life is a longish journey and that kid who wanted to give her the dropped granola bar? He's going to make his way nicely in the world. Whether he's one of the gifted, or not, if he's kind he's really on his way and far ahead of the pack, tho I'm sure he doesn't think about that. Someone once told me, "In this life you can either be very very smart or very very nice. I decided to be the latter." It worked out pretty well for him.
6
How I should feel about not being admitted to one of the better institutions of higher learning in America today?
Correct me if I am wrong, but the situation appears somewhat mad. Education has become such a force today that it appears increasingly that there is no way to succeed without it. It used to be a person could succeed in various and extremely prestigious aspects of life without education--plenty of writers and scientists and of course plenty of jack of all trades people in the past rose to high position without education.
But now education jealously guards all routes to success. Now one must be educated to succeed at most anything or risk being called an imposter. In fact the concept of the "imposter" has gained great currency over the 20th century precisely because of education existing to separate the real, valid, professional person from the fake, the person merely an imposter.
But what actually IS the education system taking it simply by the numbers? Answer: Increasing power structure which admits a limited number of applicants. A system far from perfect at distinguishing wheat from chaff but which has no problem considering rejects to the system as pretty much forbidden in any way from getting around the system. The education system of course defends itself that it is choosing the best and brightest and kindest or what have you people, but the fact remains society has less and less of a route to success for the rejects of this "Benevolent System".
Correct me if I am wrong, but the situation appears somewhat mad. Education has become such a force today that it appears increasingly that there is no way to succeed without it. It used to be a person could succeed in various and extremely prestigious aspects of life without education--plenty of writers and scientists and of course plenty of jack of all trades people in the past rose to high position without education.
But now education jealously guards all routes to success. Now one must be educated to succeed at most anything or risk being called an imposter. In fact the concept of the "imposter" has gained great currency over the 20th century precisely because of education existing to separate the real, valid, professional person from the fake, the person merely an imposter.
But what actually IS the education system taking it simply by the numbers? Answer: Increasing power structure which admits a limited number of applicants. A system far from perfect at distinguishing wheat from chaff but which has no problem considering rejects to the system as pretty much forbidden in any way from getting around the system. The education system of course defends itself that it is choosing the best and brightest and kindest or what have you people, but the fact remains society has less and less of a route to success for the rejects of this "Benevolent System".
2
For every rare letter of kindness that reaches your desk there are multiple admits who get into these institutions on clout and name. Kushner and Trump lead the pack. Unless all admissions are truly based on merit this article only serves as a mirage in the desert.
4
Using the money from those who have it opens the doors at competitive private schools to those who don't. That's the bottom line.
ONE kid got in for being nice to the janitor -- supposedly -- I think it was a stunt -- but 40% of the entering freshman class were LEGACIES, the spawn of wealthy former graduates.
DO THE MATH.
DO THE MATH.
Intrinsic goodness and morality are generally separate from the traits that make up both intellect and the persistence needed for academic success. But when a person manages to have both - now THAT'S a superpower.
But ehat about when someone fakes being good just for a spotlight, as some commenters are suspicious of in these pages?
My mother used to say she didn't care why somebody did good, as long as good got done. Better than sitting around all selfish, nasty, and Trumpy (I added that last word to modernize mum's idea there.) OR you could say fake kindness until you make kindness.
In any case, we'll need enough people with both brains AND heart to save us from Trump and his father figure dictators, and stop our planet from fizzling out. So get out and make some kindness, all you brainiacs, just like that student did. We've got a lot of work to do.
But ehat about when someone fakes being good just for a spotlight, as some commenters are suspicious of in these pages?
My mother used to say she didn't care why somebody did good, as long as good got done. Better than sitting around all selfish, nasty, and Trumpy (I added that last word to modernize mum's idea there.) OR you could say fake kindness until you make kindness.
In any case, we'll need enough people with both brains AND heart to save us from Trump and his father figure dictators, and stop our planet from fizzling out. So get out and make some kindness, all you brainiacs, just like that student did. We've got a lot of work to do.
6
Considering how cynical parents and students who are applying to elite schools tend to be, I swear the first thought that popped into my mind when I read this story was not, "Awwww...how marvelous! This kid deserves his place at Dartmouth." It was, "Oh, dear, now there will be a deluge of letters of recommendation written by janitors and sent to elite university ad comms describing how Buffy and Muffy are the next paragons of selflessness, the next Mother Teresas."
Watch out janitorial staff, especially staff who clean at elite prep schools. Unscrupulous and hyper-competitive helicopter parents and they're over-scheduled, hot-house-orchid children have now set their sights on you!
Watch out janitorial staff, especially staff who clean at elite prep schools. Unscrupulous and hyper-competitive helicopter parents and they're over-scheduled, hot-house-orchid children have now set their sights on you!
6
Great column! It's pretty easy, and quite common, for ambitious kids from over-achieving families to overlook or even look down on all the "little people." Simple respect, and kindness, go a long way in this life.
Love this article. I was raised by parents who said you could always tell a person's character by how they treated everyone -- most especially those who worked for them or were in positions they couldn't gain by. This may be a bit off-topic, but I've always thought the personal essay that students submit as part of the college applications process should be part of their SAT submission - in other words, students have to submit it in a proctored exam setting. This would eliminate all the essays that get written by others, heavily edited, etc. It would certainly level the playing field for students with limited means to outsource
this exercise.
this exercise.
1
If you read about the crass behavior that young Steven Miller displayed towards the janitorial staff at his high school, you will begin to appreciate the wisdom of this essay. I'd rather risk the creation of a generation of custodial empaths than be governed in my later years by cut throat Darrwinians.
28
Thank you for sharing a very refreshing perspective and poignant look at what truly matters as adolescents make their mark on this world. As a mother of young children I can only hope they learn the importance of human kindness, regardless of where they end up studying.
Let's just hope these values stick with them and bleed into the walls of the workplace. Corporate America could use more kindness too.
Let's just hope these values stick with them and bleed into the walls of the workplace. Corporate America could use more kindness too.
2
And now it's ruined.
The fact that the letter from a custodian won the applicant a unanimous yes vote shows that gimmicks work, admission committees are gullible, and that the absurd college admissions system can be totally "gamed". Do you think a truly kind and humble person would ever even seek out a letter testifying to that?
11
It's a bit horrifying how much power admissions officers have, not just on the lives of the students that are admitted and denied, but in the standards that they arbitrarily create and that all students are then required to follow.
Well kindness is certainly a virtue, my advice to applicants is to not follow the sheep and this advisors every beck and call. Follow your interests and develop them.
Well kindness is certainly a virtue, my advice to applicants is to not follow the sheep and this advisors every beck and call. Follow your interests and develop them.
4
Sweet! Nice, kind, good is definitely more important for life happiness than anything else, including beautiful, rich, smart or thin, but a kid won't do very well at Harvard if they are not sophisticated or MIT if they are not tech-interested and smart. Mostly what I recall of Dartmouth involved drinking; hope that has changed.
2
While everyone in Washington pays lip-service to "the working man and woman" how many of them ACTUALLY truly respect those people? We live in a time when bovine detritus is hurled about how wonderful they are, and how jobs are gonna come their way...if we just poison them some more, prevent them having minimum wage, do away with safety nets, and give GIANT tax cuts to corporation.
To find someone who actually in his actions, not just his words, REALLY respects that is very, very important. We've just gone through a campaign where the candidate who has actually DONE stuff for the working people but doesn't woo them very well lost to the guy who time after time does stuff TO working people, treating them like disposable commodities, or just slaves, but with GREAT rhetoric and salesmanship won. He then promptly has done anything and everything he can to hurt those very people and help the super rich (including himself). Perhaps U-Penn and Wharton should withdraw his diplomas.
To find someone who actually in his actions, not just his words, REALLY respects that is very, very important. We've just gone through a campaign where the candidate who has actually DONE stuff for the working people but doesn't woo them very well lost to the guy who time after time does stuff TO working people, treating them like disposable commodities, or just slaves, but with GREAT rhetoric and salesmanship won. He then promptly has done anything and everything he can to hurt those very people and help the super rich (including himself). Perhaps U-Penn and Wharton should withdraw his diplomas.
3
“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” - John Steinbeck
8
I wish you would have written this commentary before our son sent his applications last fall. Applying to colleges is a nightmare.
Our son was adamant that his parents not help him on his letters--that would be cheating! he said--and we let him write his own and they were good. We could have made them better but, oh, well, he was right. Parents are often biased, but I can say without one ounce of hyperbola that he is the top student at his impressive high school. Yet he was late getting accepted and then at only one of seven schools applied. He has a nearly perfect record, ACT, SAT, perfect GPA+, 5's on APs, and many extra-curriculars, do-good volunteering, you name it. Students who had done less got admitted and let him know his hard work and intellect hadn't paid off. Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah. I hadn't seen my son cry since he was in grade school. We wondered, what more do admissions committees want, something comparable to splitting the atom? Would an IQ score be acceptable on an application?
We see now that showing his compassion, kindness, and selflessness might have done it. What a wonderful way for students to distinguish themselves. They're just the sorts of graduates our country needs in politics right now. Maybe, if this quality becomes the norm for applications, we will see a change in political climate and more civil civic-mindedness in a few years.
Our son was adamant that his parents not help him on his letters--that would be cheating! he said--and we let him write his own and they were good. We could have made them better but, oh, well, he was right. Parents are often biased, but I can say without one ounce of hyperbola that he is the top student at his impressive high school. Yet he was late getting accepted and then at only one of seven schools applied. He has a nearly perfect record, ACT, SAT, perfect GPA+, 5's on APs, and many extra-curriculars, do-good volunteering, you name it. Students who had done less got admitted and let him know his hard work and intellect hadn't paid off. Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah. I hadn't seen my son cry since he was in grade school. We wondered, what more do admissions committees want, something comparable to splitting the atom? Would an IQ score be acceptable on an application?
We see now that showing his compassion, kindness, and selflessness might have done it. What a wonderful way for students to distinguish themselves. They're just the sorts of graduates our country needs in politics right now. Maybe, if this quality becomes the norm for applications, we will see a change in political climate and more civil civic-mindedness in a few years.
103
Naaaahhh. My kid is as smart as yours. She comes from a kind family and if there is a gene for kindness she has it in spades. She eventually got into an Ivy but the acceptance letter sat on top of a stack of rejections from schools that should have accepted her. At the end of it all, like kind people, she accepted the vicissitudes of the process. This was all two years ago. She is fine but I am still angry about it.
At the end of the structure for admission there is only one dynamic---winning.
There is no fairness, big-gun schools want kids who will make them look good ten to twenty years down the road. Admission Departments are in the same business as horse breaders. If you can run with the leaders of the pack and you
Get lucky with screeners who like you, then and only then do you get in. Equally, it is perfectly O.K. to turn away very talented kids for reasons for which there is no clear rationale and put families through meat grinding experiences that leave them angry at the end of it all.
I am guessing that it is all a matter of economics: there is too much talent looking for slots in a system in which there are too few positions.
At the end of the structure for admission there is only one dynamic---winning.
There is no fairness, big-gun schools want kids who will make them look good ten to twenty years down the road. Admission Departments are in the same business as horse breaders. If you can run with the leaders of the pack and you
Get lucky with screeners who like you, then and only then do you get in. Equally, it is perfectly O.K. to turn away very talented kids for reasons for which there is no clear rationale and put families through meat grinding experiences that leave them angry at the end of it all.
I am guessing that it is all a matter of economics: there is too much talent looking for slots in a system in which there are too few positions.
1
This essay is described as "wonderful", "warm", and making readers cry... It frightens me more than anything else. I hope what the author was trying to say is that being empathetic is at least as important as being a mountain climbing, club-presiding, team-leading impetrant but only once SAT scores and other markers of academic performance have met the mark. A useful element would be to say in what order all these qualities would be ranked.
Kindness is to me the most important quality in interpersonal relationships. But I rate an unkind but highly performant pilot or surgeon or scientist to a kind but less performant one.
Should the next generations' leaders be chosen because they are thoughtful and kind? Is that what most commentators here believe will help rise to the national and international challenges to come? Get real, people, keep the fuzzy-wuzzy feelings at bay and start thinking strategically for the next decades. The Chinese, Indians and Russians are doing precisely that.
Kindness is to me the most important quality in interpersonal relationships. But I rate an unkind but highly performant pilot or surgeon or scientist to a kind but less performant one.
Should the next generations' leaders be chosen because they are thoughtful and kind? Is that what most commentators here believe will help rise to the national and international challenges to come? Get real, people, keep the fuzzy-wuzzy feelings at bay and start thinking strategically for the next decades. The Chinese, Indians and Russians are doing precisely that.
3
Define good in objective terms, and while I greatly admire the person who appreciates that the least among the staff are just as essential as the principal, I don't see that as a reason to admit anybody. The as much as possible objective criteria should be first if their desire for an education meets the capabilities of the school and the probability of success. So if you want to be a nuclear engineer you don't go to some college without a good program for that.
2
Knowing the janitor is a good sign for a couple of things. One is practical intelligence.
The janitor at our primary school was a wonderful man, whose attention to us probably inclined us all to get to know the janitor at the next stop. And the school secretary. And the next.
At some point in my first academic and then practical career it dawned on me that these were the most important people to know in any business. They know where things are, how to reach people and how to get things done. They also tend to be a lot of fun.
When I went into my own business in a downtown office it was the janitor who was responsible for my finding the house I have loved for thirty years. I remain friends with the secretaries, but with none of the businesses who were my neighbors.
In recruitment, I learned that the secretaries of my clients were often the best contacts. Some of them are also still my friends.
Good luck to the kid, although he won't need it. He already knows who the important people are.
The janitor at our primary school was a wonderful man, whose attention to us probably inclined us all to get to know the janitor at the next stop. And the school secretary. And the next.
At some point in my first academic and then practical career it dawned on me that these were the most important people to know in any business. They know where things are, how to reach people and how to get things done. They also tend to be a lot of fun.
When I went into my own business in a downtown office it was the janitor who was responsible for my finding the house I have loved for thirty years. I remain friends with the secretaries, but with none of the businesses who were my neighbors.
In recruitment, I learned that the secretaries of my clients were often the best contacts. Some of them are also still my friends.
Good luck to the kid, although he won't need it. He already knows who the important people are.
4
College was never an option for me. I can tell you that if you want a pleasant work environment, the office custodians, maintenance workers, and parking lot attendants can make your life easy or hard. The partners I worked for knew the folks in the parking lot by name. (Many secretaries knew the "working folks" but a few snubbed them.)
We had several attorneys and secretaries whose cars would be towed and blocked in if they took a handicapped or reserved space. It was always the same few people. The guys in the garage would let us know because tempers would flare.
If the lot was full, they would take our keys and double-park our cars, moving them as space became available. By the time we left in the evening, our cars were near the elevator.
We had in-house messengers for hand delivery. They appeared suicidal on their bikes. They knew the city, the right doors to go to, and often beat security to save time. My stuff was always on time. I gave them advance notice, so my clients didn't get "rush" charges. ("Rush" doubles the delivery fee.) If I needed a break, I'd go hang out with the messengers. Most were students. All were smart. It's a job that requires fast thinking and a good memory. They can call and save you if someplace changes its delivery rules. Or they can bring the package back undelivered. You choose.
Why make your life hard by ignoring the folks who can help you the most? They're often immigrants. They are good people, often very well read. Just poor. So what?
We had several attorneys and secretaries whose cars would be towed and blocked in if they took a handicapped or reserved space. It was always the same few people. The guys in the garage would let us know because tempers would flare.
If the lot was full, they would take our keys and double-park our cars, moving them as space became available. By the time we left in the evening, our cars were near the elevator.
We had in-house messengers for hand delivery. They appeared suicidal on their bikes. They knew the city, the right doors to go to, and often beat security to save time. My stuff was always on time. I gave them advance notice, so my clients didn't get "rush" charges. ("Rush" doubles the delivery fee.) If I needed a break, I'd go hang out with the messengers. Most were students. All were smart. It's a job that requires fast thinking and a good memory. They can call and save you if someplace changes its delivery rules. Or they can bring the package back undelivered. You choose.
Why make your life hard by ignoring the folks who can help you the most? They're often immigrants. They are good people, often very well read. Just poor. So what?
12
Thank you. You're so right - it's so important how we treat everyone. Wish that was my kid.
1
Your article reminded me of a letter I received after my 6 year old daughter drowned. We received many letters, of course, but one stood out. It was from her school bus driver who told me that she was the first student on the bus each morning and how much he enjoyed the lively conversations they had. I was touched beyond words.
11
What a beautiful story for these troubling times. As a teacher, the students who have stayed in my thoughts over the years are those who were the kindest. They have made the world a more tolerable place.
3
How true, that this world puts all too little value on the very qualities that make our lives together as a species livable. Instead we compete with each other and fail to learn how to cooperate with one another. The result is the mess we find our country in, from Main St. to Congress. Thank goodness somewhere these precious qualities are valued and rewarded. The unanswered question is what can our colleges and indeed our society in general can do more of to encourage and promulgate the type of wonderful human qualities we love, need and aspire to?
This is wonderful. The student's letter from the custodian reminds me of my college roommate, who started a trend in our cafeteria. After finishing a meal, plates, cups, etc were supposed to be placed on a conveyor belt near the back of the room, which would then carry the dirty dishes back to where staff were waiting to wash them. She started writing notes in big letters on napkins: "THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HARD WORK!" and arranging them on the plates she sent back.
I craned my head to watch one day as a napkin-note traveled back--the lady washing dishes almost looked like she was about to cry! Years later, any time I'm in a cafeteria, I find myself writing "thank you napkins." You never know whose day you might make with a simple act of kindness!
I craned my head to watch one day as a napkin-note traveled back--the lady washing dishes almost looked like she was about to cry! Years later, any time I'm in a cafeteria, I find myself writing "thank you napkins." You never know whose day you might make with a simple act of kindness!
40
Beautiful. But admissions departments should now prepare for a flood of recommendation letters from custodians.
3
This essay made my heart sing.
In addition to kindness I would add "without guile" as a trait that pops out and rings true.
A former student wrote her college essay about *walking* from El Salvador to Los Angeles as a 7 year old, accompanied only by a "coyote," a paid smuggler. She told her story with such purity of heart that the essence of her character was undeniable. Her odyssey was harrowing but eventually culminated in citizenship and has thus far brought her to a top state university where she is Pre Med.
Another student, in writing about his prospective field of study, rejected the advice that he claim a flashy major and instead wrote about a field of inquiry at the juncture where science fiction meets science, a vision that could be dismissed as whimsy, but he risked it. In discussing what he hoped to explore, he drew specific and personal parallels to cooking, to painting and to music. His vision was so utterly his own, it was clear that he too, was a heart-centered person. He is currently majoring in Astrophysics with a minor in Astronomy.
But to your point, Ms. Sabky, kindness. Yes. Thank you.
In addition to kindness I would add "without guile" as a trait that pops out and rings true.
A former student wrote her college essay about *walking* from El Salvador to Los Angeles as a 7 year old, accompanied only by a "coyote," a paid smuggler. She told her story with such purity of heart that the essence of her character was undeniable. Her odyssey was harrowing but eventually culminated in citizenship and has thus far brought her to a top state university where she is Pre Med.
Another student, in writing about his prospective field of study, rejected the advice that he claim a flashy major and instead wrote about a field of inquiry at the juncture where science fiction meets science, a vision that could be dismissed as whimsy, but he risked it. In discussing what he hoped to explore, he drew specific and personal parallels to cooking, to painting and to music. His vision was so utterly his own, it was clear that he too, was a heart-centered person. He is currently majoring in Astrophysics with a minor in Astronomy.
But to your point, Ms. Sabky, kindness. Yes. Thank you.
102
I always tell students to think of a non-academic person to write a recommendation. They will know your integrity and work ethic.
1
Interesting, both for the story of the janitor's letter and (perhaps more importantly) the author's comment that she was rejected by the very institution where she is now the admissions director (?). I don't know where she matriculated, but perhaps this shows how crazy the admissions competition is to a very few "elite" institutions. OK, the grads of those schools have the advantage of a great network, but there are many, many good colleges that afford their students not only a good education, but also a solid grounding in life skills that will ensure their success--and I don't mean big salaries--in life.
4
This little essay makes me think maybe, just maybe, we've reached the nadir of our greedy, selfish, each-man-out-for-himself Hobbesian society. How great if next year's application pool to elite institutions is filled with letters of recommendation from custodians.
Worshipping "success," "accomplishments," and "winners" gave us Trump. Time for a new paradigm.
Worshipping "success," "accomplishments," and "winners" gave us Trump. Time for a new paradigm.
13
Considering Dartmouth's shameful history of Fraternity Hazing, the admissions committee has their work cut out for them regarding admitting kind students. Or do the students they admit become unkind when they enter the Fraternity and Sorority system, which thrive on excluding students due to their race, background, or class.
3
Thank you for this wonderful essay. I am the parent of a high school junior so we are just starting the college search process. Regardless of where my dear son goes to college, if he indeed does go to college, I hope that I have instilled him to be kind above everything else. No one is ever "better" than anyone. I hope he goes about his day practicing small acts of kindness when no one is watching!
3
What a beautiful, refreshing change from the feeding frenzy that is college admissions. The world doesn't need more celebrity endorsements singing the praises of a bunch of shallow, entitled brats. What it needs is a few more nice kids who do the right thing even when they think there's nothing in it for them.
5
As a high school teacher, I can attest that there are more people like the student described here than you might think. They're the ones who don't demand attention and aren't hell-bent on padding their resumes with this, that, and the other meaningless extra-curricular activity. If college admissions officers would ask students to submit evidence of only one such extra curricular activity and one sport (literally provide room on the application for only one of each), maybe our students could all calm down a bit and have a bit more time to think about their humanity.
18
Right on!!
Many moons ago I gave admission tours at Dartmouth. Toward the end of every tour, I'd see the person with the worried brow, about to ask the inevitable question, "What does it take to get in here?" My well-honed spiel included the line, "Everyone here is extremely good at something. For some people that's math, or poetry, or hockey, but sometimes the thing they're really good at is being a nice person." No one told me to say that, but looking at my friends and classmates, I knew it to be true. Thirty years later, I'm happy to find out I was right. Kudos to my alma mater.
136
My daughter, who is a junior, asked me recently for three words to describe her for a school exercise on the college application process. Being a former reporter and now owner of a new publishing venture, I struggled at first for the words. I landed on authentic and hard-working. The third was actually the first one that popped into my head but I thought no one would care to know this about her. Kind was the word. Your essay proves kindness is indeed an important characteristic, especially at a time when the world seems to have forgotten its value.
4
Perhaps I am overly cynical, but if the custodian wrote a letter to Dartmouth, doesn't that mean the student in question *asked* the custodian to write the letter? That considerably less heartwarming possibility isn't even addressed. As far as I know, people don't tend to send unsolicited letters of recommendation to colleges...but maybe the letter itself made it clear to Ms. Sabky that it was unsolicited?
12
Yep. Too cynical.
What a wonderful essay. The only down side is now colleges will be deluged by students sending in letters of recommendations from custodians from their High School. So many looking for the edge.
2
Establish minimum academic criteria, then use a lottery. Eliminate the angst on the side of the students and parents, and eliminate the whole charade that college admission committees go through.
Everyone will be happier, and competitive colleges will likely have incoming classes almost indistinguishable than they have now.
The current process is a waste of effort.
Everyone will be happier, and competitive colleges will likely have incoming classes almost indistinguishable than they have now.
The current process is a waste of effort.
13
This essay made me happy to read, and made me appreciate some people I know who are like this, quietly helpful and kind without making a show out of it. You can tell who has a good heart.
3
I once heard a story about JW Marriott, the fouinder of the hotel chain of the same name. When visiting one of his hotels, if he saw a scrap of paper or other debris on the floor, he would bend down and pick it up to discard it. When someone asked him about why he did this, he remarked that everyone in his organization should consider themselves a custodian first.
There are no small jobs, just small people who consider themselves above such menial tasks.
There are no small jobs, just small people who consider themselves above such menial tasks.
304
Douglas McNeill -
I very much appreciate your post, and wish it would be read by our present chief executive. Cheers.
I very much appreciate your post, and wish it would be read by our present chief executive. Cheers.
JW Marriott was a Mormon which may (or may not), have had a influence on his behavior.
I feel the same way. As a brown immigrant from South Asia I feel like I am a living walking ambassador of my former country of birth. I carry that responsibility around whether I like it or not. There are brief moments in the day when I feel free of the burden, but then someone will remind me that I look "different". My kids ditto.
A piece every college applicant and every hovering parent should read. Because I have a very snooty PhD, for decades, kids and more so their anxious parents have badgered me for application essay and recommendation advice. I always disappoint them by saying (1) write something and get recommendations that show who you are, not who you believe they want you to be, (2) the schools that accept you are always the better schools (for you) than those that don't, and (3) the school that offers you the greatest financial incentives is always the best school of all (they really want you). Cruel, I know, especially the bits about the better and best schools. And I'm afraid not one has believed me. I've made no inroads against the thousands of pathetically identical applications admissions officers must read. But I'll bookmark Rebecca Sabky's "Check This Box if You’re a Good Person" for future reference in case she might do better than me.
12
Many years ago, while working late as a software developer for a major pharmaceutical company, I would take a few minutes break to talk with the cleaning woman who emptied my trash can. What a character! She talked my ears off. But it was a welcome break from my geekery.
Months afterward, I attended the wedding of my wife's co-worker, a physical therapist who had snagged a handsome doctor. As I greeted the wedding party in the receiving line, who did I see but my favorite cleaning woman, the bride's mother. We greeted each other as old friends.
So glad that I had treated her like the wonderful human being that she is! As that young man learned, what goes around, comes around.
Months afterward, I attended the wedding of my wife's co-worker, a physical therapist who had snagged a handsome doctor. As I greeted the wedding party in the receiving line, who did I see but my favorite cleaning woman, the bride's mother. We greeted each other as old friends.
So glad that I had treated her like the wonderful human being that she is! As that young man learned, what goes around, comes around.
5
If the person's grades weren't within the range of your acceptance, his kindness would not have been rewarded, because ultimately, top colleges look for those who compete best and competition does not necessarily nurture kindness. However, if you look at human values, kindness probably comes out on top, but it is not a quality that American society fosters. In many cases it is viewed as a weakness. You've created a system where the top dog wins, by whatever means, and then whistfuly wish for kindness. Something has to change then (in the admissions process?) if that's the quality you want to encourage.
11
So, colleges should seek the nicest applicants? How does one measure that trait? How would you feel about your employer switching to that criteria as the most important one of all?
1
A lovely article and a nice sentiment, but it brings up another question entirely. Maybe the whole admissions game is flawed. Why doesn't Dartmouth just set a threshold for credentials and then hold a lottery for an admission slot? the author claims that there are many more qualified kids than there are slots.
I would be willing to bet that Dartmouth would get more good hearted kids using a lottery. There are a lot of them out there and they are probably least likely to win the current game, which is all about climbing the ladder of success, self-aggrandizement, and gaming the system.
I would be willing to bet that Dartmouth would get more good hearted kids using a lottery. There are a lot of them out there and they are probably least likely to win the current game, which is all about climbing the ladder of success, self-aggrandizement, and gaming the system.
12
Thank you very much for this essay. Hopefully all of us can keep in mind the upbringing that allowed for your two examples, and not just the particular examples. It is too bad that in a world that seems to reward cruelty even more these days the foundation of education that allows for this knowledge is even more at risk. Thankfully many parents and and other influencers still instil these values even though most schools are not allowed to include them in their curriculum.
47
First, end legacy admissions. It is unreasonable that wealthy parents who have contributed to their alma mater are allowed to push their C+ average offspring to the front of the line. This only leads to cynical resentment at all levels.
Second, after screening out those applicants who are clearly not qualified, you should run the admission process as a lottery. Randomly admit next year's class and you will be assured of more diverse and interesting freshman in September. No more formulaic essays, carefully chosen extra-curricular activities, ghost-written resumes, and hyper-inflated achievements. There will also be no bitter feelings for those who are turned down.
Finally, letters from major celebrities should not carry any weight at all. Only wealthy, well-connected parents have access to ex-presidents, Olympic stars, or major Hollywood names. (See point #1, above) Yes, letters from janitors should make a greater impression. Even better, the Admissions Office should be able call those writing the letters of recommendation for a one-hour phone interview concerning how well they really know the candidate. Now, let's see if you can get an ex-president on the line.
Second, after screening out those applicants who are clearly not qualified, you should run the admission process as a lottery. Randomly admit next year's class and you will be assured of more diverse and interesting freshman in September. No more formulaic essays, carefully chosen extra-curricular activities, ghost-written resumes, and hyper-inflated achievements. There will also be no bitter feelings for those who are turned down.
Finally, letters from major celebrities should not carry any weight at all. Only wealthy, well-connected parents have access to ex-presidents, Olympic stars, or major Hollywood names. (See point #1, above) Yes, letters from janitors should make a greater impression. Even better, the Admissions Office should be able call those writing the letters of recommendation for a one-hour phone interview concerning how well they really know the candidate. Now, let's see if you can get an ex-president on the line.
296
I'm convinced that the lottery idea would fall afoul of the legal system as soon as the desired quotas of minorities were missed. Still a good idea.
2
As a former director of admission I often called the source of a recommendation for an applicant. I don't recall ever having a problem reaching them and It was always worth my time.
2
D -- This comment made me stand up and cheer. Well said!
I would rather be respected than liked, and it is best to reserve compliments so they are deserved and sincere rather than validating a baseline of expectation.
Doing the right thing is just what you do. Sadly, this has become exceptional.
Doing the right thing is just what you do. Sadly, this has become exceptional.
1
I hate to be cynical, but why would such a kind, thoughtful person ask a janitor to write a letter of recommendation?
7
Dear Cynical,
Why not? What's wrong with asking the janitor?
When I was a kid, Joe Kostansic was our favorite. He came to our classroom to enjoy our homemade pies when we were introduced to fractions, applied first aid on the playground, and helped us in many other situations.
When my kids were in elementary school, Mr. Rivers saved the kids' teacher when an army of preying mantises escaped their "show & tell" cocoon, and wheeled a student wearing a cast up to the concert stage with his hand truck so that he could sing with his class. Janitors perform many jobs not in their job description.
Why not? What's wrong with asking the janitor?
When I was a kid, Joe Kostansic was our favorite. He came to our classroom to enjoy our homemade pies when we were introduced to fractions, applied first aid on the playground, and helped us in many other situations.
When my kids were in elementary school, Mr. Rivers saved the kids' teacher when an army of preying mantises escaped their "show & tell" cocoon, and wheeled a student wearing a cast up to the concert stage with his hand truck so that he could sing with his class. Janitors perform many jobs not in their job description.
The behavior of the young man who picked up the granola bar and of the other young man who is kind to the school workers, knows their names, and cleans up after himself and others - just seems normal to me. The fact that ordinary decency must be called out as rare is a tragedy.
101
If this behavior is normal to you, you are very lucky. I don't live somewhere like that. And when someone is kind, I still find it refreshing. Just today I had someone give me a wave because I let them in front of me in traffic. I can't remember the last time anyone has done that! It was a nice start to my commute.
1
It's kind of a contradiction, though, isn't it? My son is one of those kind young men, but he would never let anyone write a letter about his kindness. I tried to get him to ask the people who constantly told me about his kindness and respect for letters of recommendation but he refused. Kind people often don't like to toot their own horn in that regard, so how many of these students could actually be kind but you'll never know?
246
Colleges only have themselves to blame for the robotic, boring, "Stepford", applications that they get each year. They have convinced parents and college counselors that high school should be a long list of activities that they can add to their applications in order to impress a selection committee. I think every applicant should submit their SAT score and their cell phones for review so that the committees can see what students are really up to. (last sentence is a joke, sorta)
1
That kindness is typically observed by the teachers who also write recommendations and they will probably have some examples of his kindness.
Glad someone brought that up :) Usually applicants are the ones who ask other people to write recommendations for them, and it isn't so easy to ask for this favor in the first place sometimes. I am not sure how you would go about asking someone that has an unconventional position and thus no obligation to do these kinds of things, especially if you are a little bit shy or modest...
1
Sadly, you're now going to see a lot of recommendation letters from custodians.
21
As fine as a story that you have presented here, I now feel sorry for janitors, lunch ladies and the like being asked to talk up students for their prestigious college applications.
At the end of the semester, long ago, I had two students return to discuss their course grades.
One asked me whether I would consider bumping his grade from failing to passing because his father would be unhappy if he had to pay for his son to take the class a third time.
The other apologized for his poor performance. His wife had been hospitalized (a lengthy stay) during the semester, and between caring for her and their three children, he was having a tough time.
It was a jarring juxtaposition, talking to these two just a day or two apart.
One asked me whether I would consider bumping his grade from failing to passing because his father would be unhappy if he had to pay for his son to take the class a third time.
The other apologized for his poor performance. His wife had been hospitalized (a lengthy stay) during the semester, and between caring for her and their three children, he was having a tough time.
It was a jarring juxtaposition, talking to these two just a day or two apart.
45
I wonder, purely based on the snippet of info you've given, if your assumptions and biases bled into your judgement of their situations. I immediately thought from my own experience that the dad might be unhappy to pay again because he couldn't afford to and the son may have had a lot else on his plate, especially if financial insecurity was his problem. Not to assess/compare the worth the two's problems, but I think it can serve to show that the ones with problems often don't like to use them as excuses just as the ones who are genuinely nice likely find it distasteful to quantify their niceness, which is why it is so hard to discern that in college essays.
I think that more than calling for people to "brag" about their niceness to stand out, this article challenges both sides, admissions to ask questions in ways that illicit the kinds of responses that give more insight into students' character and students to think about actually putting their character (not limited to qualities of being nice) into their essays instead of distinguishing themselves merely by the names of awards, clubs, and positions they've done.
I think that more than calling for people to "brag" about their niceness to stand out, this article challenges both sides, admissions to ask questions in ways that illicit the kinds of responses that give more insight into students' character and students to think about actually putting their character (not limited to qualities of being nice) into their essays instead of distinguishing themselves merely by the names of awards, clubs, and positions they've done.
Thanks for the ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day.
This was a lovely and important essay which should give pause for reflection to anyone who reads it. The subject of "kindness" was also movingly explored by the great writer Georges Saunders in the commencement address he gave at Syracuse University in 2013 in which he said "What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness." If you haven't read his speech (it went viral on the internet at the time) it is an excellent follow up to this essay.
29
One of my proudest moments as a parent was when the custodian of the local grocery store said "Your two sons were the two kids that really worked at their part time jobs. Most of the students would try to hide out in the back and avoid work, but your sons were always doing their jobs". Custodians are very perceptive people. and my kids knew that time passed faster when you were busy, than when you were sloughing off.
19
My parents never saw themselves as different from others. My father grew up during the Depression, when "I've got plenty of nuthin" was how a lot of people went through their days. My mother was a little better off, but when the war came, she lost all the family that hadn't come from the old country. I didn't really understand how thoroughly they lived with the understanding that we're all equal until they each passed away, and I saw what a variety of people mourned for them as true friends.
10
I feel like the reason this particular letter was memorable was more due to it having been by a custodian instead of "by people who the applicant thinks will impress a school"
9
I enjoyed this beautiful and thought provoking essay. But the real hero seems to me to be the custodian who made the effort to write a thoughtful letter of reference and send it to the applicant's choice of schools. The student himself was kind but also lucky, in that the custodian knew, or figured out, what would be most helpful to him at this juncture in his life, and made it happen.
65
Many of humanity's greatest traits - kindness, compassion, empathy, humor, openness, sacrifice and forgiveness - are not necessarily the traits that will get you into college or make you rich, but they do deeply enrich the individuals who possess them and then it is all of humankind who truly profits.
44
They should get a student into certain majors like nursing, social work, teaching, etc. Careers where those traits really matter.
Reminds me of a hiring spree we were on many years ago when we were structuring a new department. After we had done interviews with many candidates and narrowed the field to the qualified ones, we sought the impression of our administrative assistant. Because we wanted people on our team who exhibited those qualities of kindness regardless of the individual perceived rank in the organization.
18
When my son was born my aunt asked me what I wanted most for him, , and I answered that I hoped he would be kind. Seven years later and we're still on track!
This is one of the most hopeful articles I have read about college admissions in a while. As a high school counselor I have always made a point in my recommendations to comment on students who demonstrate genuine kindness and caring toward others in their school and community. These are elemental qualities that cannot be "strategized" or "packaged" and especially in these competitive, often self-serving times it is heartening to see what a difference they can make.
8
Priceless...thank you so much for boosting me up during this time of chaos in our country.
10
It's heartening when a college admissions officer shows such compassion for the next wave of college students, reminding them their human qualities can indeed speak louder than their academic statistics. As a college essay writing coach, I endeavor to make students aware and accountable as individuals. It's lovely to see their personal growth during application season.
6
Here's an easy test of universal respect: have a cleaning person present in the office of admission at all times (they could rotate, lest the task become stupefyingly boring) to take notes on whether visiting applicants clean up after themselves at the coffee/hot chocolate bar, how they treat their parents., and, most important, whether they greet said cleaning person. In this vein, at one college my son and I recently visited, we had a lengthy chat with the dining room manager. I wonder if this is a reason he was admitted there, and not at some equally competitive schools.
5
I look forward to the day when kindness and simple, genuine generosity are what humans prize the most in each other. Kindness breeds optimism, well being and broader thinking. Thank you for such an eloquently written article!
12
It's encouraging to learn that kindness makes an applicant--even to a school like Dartmouth, better known for "masters of the universe,"--stand out.
It's also sad that kindness is, apparently, rare.
It's also sad that kindness is, apparently, rare.
11
Many years ago when I interviewed at my now alma mater, the interviewer remarked that one of my teachers had mentioned in his recommendation that I was the only student who volunteered to help clean up after the senior class spaghetti dinner. I've always suspected that helped my application for admission more than my array of extracurricular activities and strong grades.
7
Next year I can foresee a vast increase in recommendation letters from custodians.
6
My father, an Italian immigrant who worked in the garment factories of Philadelphia to support his three children through college and help us through our own full-time work/school schedules, was adamant that his children would never be considered "illiterate" (his word) or "unmannered." He and my Mom taught us from a very early age to always thank and respect the very people that others didn't notice, or that were undervalued. When I was finally able to treat my parents to all sorts of wonderful experiences in New York restaurants, theater, and travel, my father always over-tipped waiters, housekeepers and other service professionals when he thought I wasn't looking - over and above what I had already tipped. He was very grateful to be in America and to honor the contributions of other hard workers. For a so-called "uneducated" man, he was wise beyond any titles, degrees or economic means, and I am grateful every day for my parents' struggles for their family and their exemplary values.
44
This is beautiful and important.
3
As someone who was admitted to a number of Ivy League schools when it was not so difficult as it is today, all I can say to the young person who pulled out the custodian card is: Well played, sir.
What I want from the people admitted to Ivy League schools is cures for diseases, economic progress, works of art and intellect, things that will benefit mankind. Not decisions that make the admissions committee, almost always people who were not qualified to attend the schools they decide the future of, feel good about themselves. In fact, that kind of decision making is an abuse of power.
This corrupt situation is not really the fault of the admissions staff. People of intellect, and in higher leadership positions, do not want to examine what admissions policies should be, what would be best practice through rigorous testing and analysis. So they hire people who do not have the capacity to recognize the fire of intellect to apply untested criteria that feel good, but may not actually be effective for the core purpose of the university.
What I want from the people admitted to Ivy League schools is cures for diseases, economic progress, works of art and intellect, things that will benefit mankind. Not decisions that make the admissions committee, almost always people who were not qualified to attend the schools they decide the future of, feel good about themselves. In fact, that kind of decision making is an abuse of power.
This corrupt situation is not really the fault of the admissions staff. People of intellect, and in higher leadership positions, do not want to examine what admissions policies should be, what would be best practice through rigorous testing and analysis. So they hire people who do not have the capacity to recognize the fire of intellect to apply untested criteria that feel good, but may not actually be effective for the core purpose of the university.
18
I think the point, as the author raised in the first part of the article, is that admissions people receive hundreds, if not thousands, of excellent-on-paper applications. Kids who are so intellectually and otherwise impressive even after the initial sift that the "fire of intellect" and "extracurricular" criteria are no longer useful. When you have one place and 100 extraordinary applicants, how else do you then distinguish among them?
Considering how self-centered and money-driven and corrupt many of our distinguished leaders have become, I'm all for checking for a semblance of humanity at the gateways to the institutions that grind out those leaders. But I suspect, as others here have said, that what we'll now see is little Johnny getting straight As, learning the piano, rock climbing in Australia, and cozying up to the high school janitor or cafeteria lady at the behest of pushy parents.
Considering how self-centered and money-driven and corrupt many of our distinguished leaders have become, I'm all for checking for a semblance of humanity at the gateways to the institutions that grind out those leaders. But I suspect, as others here have said, that what we'll now see is little Johnny getting straight As, learning the piano, rock climbing in Australia, and cozying up to the high school janitor or cafeteria lady at the behest of pushy parents.
Honesty would also be a nice thing to check for. I'd suggest, when interviewing an applicant and they brag about some public service work they've done, ask them, "Did you join this group because you wanted to do some good or because you wanted to impress our admissions office?" Then, only those who state that the latter was their motivation are admitted, because they'd be the only ones not lying.
For that matter, it'd be nice if universities were honest and admitted that their primary admissions criteria are parents' income and parents' credit.
For that matter, it'd be nice if universities were honest and admitted that their primary admissions criteria are parents' income and parents' credit.
1
Imagine if parents spent half each trip to the next soccer game instilling kindness and values instead of adding pressure by piling a life's opportunity into a scholarship that too often never comes?
I wonder how much pushback the student received from the admissions counselor about asking the janitor for the rec?
I wonder how much pushback the student received from the admissions counselor about asking the janitor for the rec?
What a beautiful, important essay! ...& it is really true - there is no one more impressive than the person that is kind to the socially downcast... or who does what is right when no one will ever know. These thoughts will brighten my whole week.... & every little nudge against the world's indifference is a victory for humanness.
2
A lovely essay. Many thanks for sharing your experience.
2
I remember the casual indifference with which we dismissed President George HW Bush introduced his Points of Light initiative. But, oh, how our country's changed since then and how wonderful to feel, in these trying times, a warm glow come over me when I read about "the student and the janitor". We need more of this...a lot more of this.
6
How very wonderful- you had the experience of reading the letter and the student was recognized for being kind.
1
A true test of a person isn't solely how s/he treats a waiter in a restaurant. It's how one treats a person in the most simple and humble of circumstances. Everyone's position is honorable and should be respected. Watch and see how someone treats the clerk at Walmart, the cashier at the convenience store, and the stranger on the street who just tripped and fell. Honorable and noble actions are frowned upon by people who chose not to be honorable and noble.
10
Sounds like a great kid and that is funny your statement "Next year there might be a flood of custodian recommendations thanks to this essay." Hey but if it means more students in HS will be vaguely aware of and polite to the people doing necessary work to make them comfortable, well you have performed a service yourself with this essay Rebecca Sabky.
4
while next year there may be copycat recommendations mimicking this year's success story, in future years there may be a letter acknowledging how a student, concerned that custodians could be out-cleaned by Dartmouth applicants, had the thoughtfulness to replace cleaned trash and deliberately clutter rooms so the custodians could stay employed.
it sounds like the student was genuinely kind, but the custodian recommendation was such a good hook, it's impossible to discount the possibility it was calculated from the get-go. Some take up the clarinet, or even better, an obscure musical instrument at age 4 for college application purposes; helping custodians and greeting by name may be considerably easier. who knows?
one thing that seems apparent is that the applicant deliberately had his kindness reported.
it sounds like the student was genuinely kind, but the custodian recommendation was such a good hook, it's impossible to discount the possibility it was calculated from the get-go. Some take up the clarinet, or even better, an obscure musical instrument at age 4 for college application purposes; helping custodians and greeting by name may be considerably easier. who knows?
one thing that seems apparent is that the applicant deliberately had his kindness reported.
10
Many years ago, I was a teaching assistant for a very popular professor over three years of college. He could have the pick of friends among staff and student body. He advised me that, rather than woo the "deans" of life, I should always aim to befriend the custodial staff. He said they were much more genuine, and (with a wink), I would always be taken care of if I forgot my keys or needed a desk moved.
3
Well, everything about my daughter's college application was about how, when the chips were down, she would always still be there supporting the kids other people conveniently walked away from. She had nearly perfect grades from a very competitive high school. But having the concentration to sit through a standardized test wasn't her strong point and her scores were probably a little toward the left on the array of test scores that Dartmouth likes to accept. I guarantee that the Dartmouth Class of 2017 would be a little kinder had the admission committee been able to see past a number and see the whole, kind, and generous student they rejected.
3
One might call "kindness" one of the "values". In this day and age when the "values coalitions" are Trump voters, god knows we need more of it.
4
Kindness is a laudable trait, but self-advancement seems to be a contradictory motivation. If the author so values this quality, why not teach by example and work towards affordable, high quality college education for the majority? Break the cycle of rewarding those who are already privileged. I'm certain the best universities would survive such a minor sacrifice. That would be a kindness.
2
As someone who reads a lot of recommendation letters and applications, this certainly hit home. It provides some insight for aspiring applicants and a nice example of some of the amazing kids there are out there.
1
I think the young man is a genius for getting the custodian to write a letter of recommendation. Unless Dartmouth does it differently from every school I applied to, people don't randomly offer letters of recommendation to schools, they are requested by the student. Who would think of a custodian? This kid is my hero.
2
I appreciate the goals you set out in your commentary Ms Sabky. l think I look for much off the same characteristics when looking for employee. Major attributes I look for is empathy, a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at their own imperfections. These inner strengths are more important in being a productive person than most other skills. Of course language, intelligence and skills are very important, but without that strong inner person, they loose their value.
18
Agreed! I read applications at Cornell University for four years and the best letter of recommendation (LOR) I ever received - in fact, one of the few that I can even remember - was from an applicant's supervisor at the deli where he worked. It was an honest and thoughtful assessment; I'm sure the deli worker didn't have any other LORs to write and was able to put a lot of time and effort into his letter.
I knew from the transcript and standardized test scores that the applicant was smart! But I learned from the deli supervisor that he was also a hard worker, likable, responsible, mature, friendly and helpful to the customers. (Yes, he was admitted.)
I knew from the transcript and standardized test scores that the applicant was smart! But I learned from the deli supervisor that he was also a hard worker, likable, responsible, mature, friendly and helpful to the customers. (Yes, he was admitted.)
57
I teach at a large state university where there are lots of signs that say "Do not leave your valuables," giving the impression that there is a lot of theft. It is so big that people clique up in fraternities and sororities and political or religious groups and there often seems to be little community feeling (outside of football).
However, whenever someone leaves something in my classroom, most recently an Apple watch, another student will bring it to me. Someone left an iPhone in a hallway and it was 10 minutes before I was able to retrieve it and take it to Lost and Found, but it was not stolen. When Muslim students gave away waffles last year, many people were welcoming. Sometimes we read the news and think things are all bad, but there is a lot of kindness!
However, whenever someone leaves something in my classroom, most recently an Apple watch, another student will bring it to me. Someone left an iPhone in a hallway and it was 10 minutes before I was able to retrieve it and take it to Lost and Found, but it was not stolen. When Muslim students gave away waffles last year, many people were welcoming. Sometimes we read the news and think things are all bad, but there is a lot of kindness!
61
I used to be the director of custodial and grounds at a university. Unfortunately, there is a small element comprised of (alas!) Faculty, staff, and students that cause those signs to be warranted. Like yourself, I saw much integrity, and tried to focus on it, but the sad truth is that those signs are needed.
So now when you don't get in to Dartmouth it's not just because you didn't have good enough grades or test scores and were only student council vice president (as opposed to president), but also that you're not a good enough person? It's well meaning admissions officers like this searching for their culturally biased "intangibles" and character traits that create an environment that requires asian-american students to get better grades and to score 140 points higher on the SAT's just to be on equal footing with their white peers.
Kindness and basic human decency should be their own rewards, not a criteria for admission to an Ivy League school.
Kindness and basic human decency should be their own rewards, not a criteria for admission to an Ivy League school.
26
I mean, don't we all want to surround ourselves with nice people? That's what admissions officers do for a living: create communities. And while it's definitely true that Asian-American students need to outperform their white peers to achieve equal consideration (I left the ethnicity box blank on my Common App because most people assume the name is Italian, but it's really Filipino) I'm not entirely sure what that has to do with being a nice person.
My son applies next yr and he is a benevolent person. Thanks for this article.
12
My Instagram channel was chock full of videos of me helping kindly elderly folks cross the street, but did I get into Dartmouth? "We regret to inform you..."
36
I loved this sweet story. The problem is I'd imagine the most kind & gentle students would never ask the custodian for a letter.
In fact it seems the admission process is so cut-throat now that any sensible, honest, kind and generous team player would not only struggle to fake the requisite application, they wouldn't fit in to the me-first types of students that do bludge their way in. Such kind people would probably be best to leave the Ivies to the excellent sheep.
In fact it seems the admission process is so cut-throat now that any sensible, honest, kind and generous team player would not only struggle to fake the requisite application, they wouldn't fit in to the me-first types of students that do bludge their way in. Such kind people would probably be best to leave the Ivies to the excellent sheep.
41
Very much like EXCELLENT SHEEP in its message. Most students are tracked to be the same and do the same things -- they are often "individuals" in exactly the same way. Of course, that's the world.
10
It’s difficult to overstate the importance of your observations, and the character demonstrated by this student. They speak to empathy in its simplest and most profound form.
My Father (WWII veteran/generation) was this sort of person. He treated everyone he encountered with respect and kindness — quick to engage any and all in friendly conversation. He managed his small business in the same fashion — employees were simply fellow human beings with strengths and flaws, partners in making a go of it, worthy of respect.
Thankfully some of that rubbed off on me.
Given the current social and political climate, seems we might all benefit from a reasoned and generous assessment of one another. Sometimes I feel we are being encouraged — from all angles of the political spectrum — to focus on identifying those we should diminish, denigrate, disregard, fear, or hate.
Empathy and humility seem to be in short supply among the powerful — seeking out and encouraging those traits in the next generation can only help.
My Father (WWII veteran/generation) was this sort of person. He treated everyone he encountered with respect and kindness — quick to engage any and all in friendly conversation. He managed his small business in the same fashion — employees were simply fellow human beings with strengths and flaws, partners in making a go of it, worthy of respect.
Thankfully some of that rubbed off on me.
Given the current social and political climate, seems we might all benefit from a reasoned and generous assessment of one another. Sometimes I feel we are being encouraged — from all angles of the political spectrum — to focus on identifying those we should diminish, denigrate, disregard, fear, or hate.
Empathy and humility seem to be in short supply among the powerful — seeking out and encouraging those traits in the next generation can only help.
11
Lovely, truly heartening.
I am touched by an initiative called Unsung Heroes at my daughter's school, Georgetown in DC. This celebrates the staff working behind the scenes to keep the university running. It has led to helping a janitor set up his own catering business, a collection to send a cashier in the cafeteria home to visit family in Sudan for the first time in 45 years, and much more. This started with a student who started talking to a janitor working night-shifts and getting to know the man behind the uniform. It is now opening chapters at colleges across the US.
There is so much good around us if only we can see it and foster it. Thanks Ms. Sabky for throwing more light on that good.
I am touched by an initiative called Unsung Heroes at my daughter's school, Georgetown in DC. This celebrates the staff working behind the scenes to keep the university running. It has led to helping a janitor set up his own catering business, a collection to send a cashier in the cafeteria home to visit family in Sudan for the first time in 45 years, and much more. This started with a student who started talking to a janitor working night-shifts and getting to know the man behind the uniform. It is now opening chapters at colleges across the US.
There is so much good around us if only we can see it and foster it. Thanks Ms. Sabky for throwing more light on that good.
53
Here's to "Georgetown's Unsung Heroes keeping the school running." Georgetown (everybody reading these comment knows very well, by the way, Georgetown's in D.C.; David Brooks in his fine "Bobos in Paradise" discussed how people need to make prestigious schools they're connected to seem obscure) has been in the news recently because many of these workers' earlier unsung predecessors who kept Georgetown running before the Civil War did so as slaves, then by being sold off (including families separated) to bring revenue for Georgetown's higher mission; they're less unsung now because of the airtime given them by investigative historians determined to expose this embarrassing history (to varying degrees, other Ivies including Harvard, & especially Princeton, have similarly tainted histories).
it's nice that Georgetown is cleaning up its act.
on a related note, a few years back Georgetown Law participated in US News & World Report alumni employment rate surveys to determine rankings; GT knew the day alumni would be asked if they were employed, so the school hired unemployed grads to do clerical work for the day so they could answer "yes."
Georgetown knows a few things about the power of good and bad publicity (Paul Manafort, btw, erstwhile PR chief/campaign manager for the Donald went there; he may soon be going to jail over Russia shenanigans).
That said, Georgetown does actually appear to be a fine institution; I'm sure your child's getting a fine education there.
it's nice that Georgetown is cleaning up its act.
on a related note, a few years back Georgetown Law participated in US News & World Report alumni employment rate surveys to determine rankings; GT knew the day alumni would be asked if they were employed, so the school hired unemployed grads to do clerical work for the day so they could answer "yes."
Georgetown knows a few things about the power of good and bad publicity (Paul Manafort, btw, erstwhile PR chief/campaign manager for the Donald went there; he may soon be going to jail over Russia shenanigans).
That said, Georgetown does actually appear to be a fine institution; I'm sure your child's getting a fine education there.
2
I went to high school with my boyfriend. I was an academic grind along with other ivy wannabes, but my boyfriend knew the name of every custodian & worker in the school. Believe me, I'm the lucky one.
39
what do you mean by you were "an academic grind"? You studied hard to learn material? You had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and enlightenment that made you want to study all the time, and ultimately learn philosophy with Hilary Putnam at Harvard?
or were you one of those people laser focused on your GPA (perhaps asking before any and every intellectual exertion "does this count? - and for how much?") and class rank, seeking out extracurriculars and impressive forms of "community service" or internships that would catapult you to Cornell, eventually pre-med (or pre-law) track?
if the latter characterizes you, I wonder if you are famiiar with Donald McCabe, an academic who has studied student motivation and ethics. (He's actually fairly obscure, but his findings occasionally gets reported in the Times.) McCabe has noted that the pressure to have good transcripts often leads to academic cheating, with a majority of students acknowledging having committed significant or substantial cheating.
I ask this not to pester, but to be honest, calling oneself an "academic grind" is kind of like an Orwellian "Newspeak" (or a meme, if you will) obscuring more than it clarifies.
I wonder if in your modest (probably genuinely so) suggestion your empathic boyfriend's on a higher plane, you weren't hinting you were/are perhaps somewhat mercenary in the academic arena.
or were you one of those people laser focused on your GPA (perhaps asking before any and every intellectual exertion "does this count? - and for how much?") and class rank, seeking out extracurriculars and impressive forms of "community service" or internships that would catapult you to Cornell, eventually pre-med (or pre-law) track?
if the latter characterizes you, I wonder if you are famiiar with Donald McCabe, an academic who has studied student motivation and ethics. (He's actually fairly obscure, but his findings occasionally gets reported in the Times.) McCabe has noted that the pressure to have good transcripts often leads to academic cheating, with a majority of students acknowledging having committed significant or substantial cheating.
I ask this not to pester, but to be honest, calling oneself an "academic grind" is kind of like an Orwellian "Newspeak" (or a meme, if you will) obscuring more than it clarifies.
I wonder if in your modest (probably genuinely so) suggestion your empathic boyfriend's on a higher plane, you weren't hinting you were/are perhaps somewhat mercenary in the academic arena.
1
I was smart, that's all. All advanced classes, an isolated kind of existence. But hardly mercenary and not really GPA-motivated, just buried in reading everything in sight while my parents urged me to go outside and play.
I first wrote academic whiz, then redacted as that seemed over-the-top. Don't think grind qualifies as the meme you describe, just someone hitting the books on a regular basis to the exclusion of other interests. When my boyfriend and I talk about high school, his wider knowledge of the school and surrounding community is a reminder of the many kinds of intelligence traditional education fails to address.
I first wrote academic whiz, then redacted as that seemed over-the-top. Don't think grind qualifies as the meme you describe, just someone hitting the books on a regular basis to the exclusion of other interests. When my boyfriend and I talk about high school, his wider knowledge of the school and surrounding community is a reminder of the many kinds of intelligence traditional education fails to address.
1
You may well get inundated with references from janitors next year, Ms Sabky, but for sure you'll have at least twenty applications from that NJ school that reveal that it was, in fact, the author who gave you back the granola bar!
23
It would be great if the world really worked this way. But it doesn't. Ask Dartmouth Board of Trustee Member Greg Maffei how he made his way up. He's now CEO of Liberty Media. Hint: It wasn't by being kind.
44
I thought this lovely essay would be good to retrieve in Spanish, for a couple of custodians I know. It's not showing up in the Spanish-language version of the NYT, though. Can it be found somewhere in Spanish?
16
Very nice article but I am sure Dartmouth does not care much about the kindness of legacies they accept no matter how less qualified than the many students they do not accept. How kind is affirmative action for rich connected people?
11
Actually, being a legacy is nothing like the bump-up it once was. There are no more "Gentlemdn's C" Dubyas at Yale.
Fully 40% of the seats at Ivy league schools are held for "legacies" -- children of former graduates.
Many people who claim to have gotten in on their grades, really got in as legacies.
BTW: if your parents are wealthy enough today, they can buy you good grades too. Grade inflation is tremendous today. Almost every kid I know (including my own grandchildren) are straight A students, in "gifted & talented" programs, AP courses, etc.
It doesn't mean remotely what it did 30-50 years ago, since virtually every affluent white kid has this.
Many people who claim to have gotten in on their grades, really got in as legacies.
BTW: if your parents are wealthy enough today, they can buy you good grades too. Grade inflation is tremendous today. Almost every kid I know (including my own grandchildren) are straight A students, in "gifted & talented" programs, AP courses, etc.
It doesn't mean remotely what it did 30-50 years ago, since virtually every affluent white kid has this.
1
This is so refreshing. I love what the custodian said....."even when no one is looking." And, kudos to the custodian. What a sensitive person.
15
One of my daughter's recommendations came from a school administrator who shared an anonymous kindness she did for a disadvantaged classmate. She did not get into her first choice, was waitlisted at her second, but received a generous scholarship to her "safety." Someone told me today that she swouod be making a mistake going to such a "sub-par" school. Somewhere in the US this fall, a "safety" school will be getting a high caliber young woman on campus; they will reap the benefit of her presence, and she will get a quality education and experiences that will help her grow into a uoung adult. I don't fear for the lack of a "elite" school on her diploma, but I sincerely fear for the culture of false priorities that surround her.
83
I'm sure you daughter will do fine and that she is a lovely young woman.
However, in our status conscious society, NOTHING guarantees you success in jobs and income like having an Ivy League college on your resume -- and the biggest reason for that is the networking and contacts you make that way.
The biggest scholarship in the world at a 3rd rate safety school cannot give your daughter that. Sorry.
However, in our status conscious society, NOTHING guarantees you success in jobs and income like having an Ivy League college on your resume -- and the biggest reason for that is the networking and contacts you make that way.
The biggest scholarship in the world at a 3rd rate safety school cannot give your daughter that. Sorry.
"I know firsthand how devastating the words “we regret to inform you” can be." I enjoyed your essay, but the quoted words get everything backwards. There are so many ways to succeed in life (and so many ways to fail, also) parents and counselors should never make students feel devestated because they weren't accepted by one of their first choices. You, as an admissions officer at an Ivy League school, should realize this and should certainly not support the devestation idea. This view of elite schools has gotten so ridiculous that 5 year olds are made to feel devestated because they didn't get in to the right kindergarten. Let's stop teaching people how to be neurotic. Society will be much better off.
31
Well done, James.
5
*devastated
Thanks, Socrates
This is a beautiful article about a beautiful young man. I was glad to read it...made me smile...gave me hope...even in this era of Trump. I wish this was the norm, that this article about this young man was not unique. All of us need to exercise compassion more frequently, and kindness needs to be held up as the behavior that is expected from everyone. Children need to be shown early on, that this is the right path. Caring, putting others first, watching out for the other guy, and doing the right thing - even when nobody is looking.
Awesome.
Awesome.
10
Reference letters, even ones that pull your heart strings, are poor evidence of achievement and integrity. Most are just cheesy advertisements.
7
Remember many affluent white parents today are themselves products of this system, and not all that many years ago. They learn all the tricks from OTHER parents in their upscale neighborhoods! I assure you that some clever person dreamed up the "custodian" letter and wrote it themselves, and slipped the custodian a couple of $50s.
The thing is: IT WORKED! so next year you'll see a lot more folks trying it just based on this NYT article.
It started years back, with parents orchestrating the "volunteer project" in Africa building wells, or the "semester mentoring poor kids in the inner city" or whatever is the flavor du jour of "looking good on paper".
That's all that counts today: the perfect resume, with all the correct bullet points. And many wealthy parents themselves work in media, PR, advertising -- or know others who do -- they are VERY clever and resourceful, and have deep pockets.
The thing is: IT WORKED! so next year you'll see a lot more folks trying it just based on this NYT article.
It started years back, with parents orchestrating the "volunteer project" in Africa building wells, or the "semester mentoring poor kids in the inner city" or whatever is the flavor du jour of "looking good on paper".
That's all that counts today: the perfect resume, with all the correct bullet points. And many wealthy parents themselves work in media, PR, advertising -- or know others who do -- they are VERY clever and resourceful, and have deep pockets.
I’m an older new widow. Still volunteering in a free clinic. I’m really happy being able to help people but at times...all people think: Do people know I’m alive? Then sigh and go greet the next family with a smile, sit, listen.
Last night I HAD to stop and get groceries before the store closed. I had two cases of 12 pack canned dog food and a 35# bag of kibble on the shelf under the cart. I got up to the cashier, turned and watched as a young girl, no more than 10 picked up the canned dog food and kibble and placed them on the conveyer belt for me. She then withdrew and stood by her mother.
I was stunned...speechless. Before I thanked her I looked at the mom, whispered and mouthed the words..”Nice job mom!”
Then I looked at the girl, smiled and thanked her. I even said “Ever considered running for mayor? Governor? President?”
As I was heading out to my car the girl asked how she could help. “Well how about holding my service dog for me?” She beamed “May I?” (She even spoke English beautifully!) But she stopped and said “Let us help you put the food in the car first.” They loaded up my car. I showed the girl how to hold my Sammy’s leather harness handle as she had him sit, stay, down, and heel. She was so excited and I thought she would squeeze the breath out of him..then she hugged me.
My tears welled up and I could only mouth thank you as they left.
Einstein said “Role modeling isn’t one way of teaching. It’s the ONLY way.”
Thank that child’s role models!
Last night I HAD to stop and get groceries before the store closed. I had two cases of 12 pack canned dog food and a 35# bag of kibble on the shelf under the cart. I got up to the cashier, turned and watched as a young girl, no more than 10 picked up the canned dog food and kibble and placed them on the conveyer belt for me. She then withdrew and stood by her mother.
I was stunned...speechless. Before I thanked her I looked at the mom, whispered and mouthed the words..”Nice job mom!”
Then I looked at the girl, smiled and thanked her. I even said “Ever considered running for mayor? Governor? President?”
As I was heading out to my car the girl asked how she could help. “Well how about holding my service dog for me?” She beamed “May I?” (She even spoke English beautifully!) But she stopped and said “Let us help you put the food in the car first.” They loaded up my car. I showed the girl how to hold my Sammy’s leather harness handle as she had him sit, stay, down, and heel. She was so excited and I thought she would squeeze the breath out of him..then she hugged me.
My tears welled up and I could only mouth thank you as they left.
Einstein said “Role modeling isn’t one way of teaching. It’s the ONLY way.”
Thank that child’s role models!
298
What a lovely story. Thank you for sharing! And thank you to that little girl and her mom for their kind hearts. I hope I can be such a mom to my own child.
It WAS nice. However, I wonder why the mom let a 10 year old pick up your 35lb bag of kibble and big packs of dog food -- and SHE did not raise a finger to help?
Kindness flows from example, not just from prompting your kid "go help that handicapped lady".
Kindness flows from example, not just from prompting your kid "go help that handicapped lady".
1
To quote a previous commentator:
"But using working class people as a means of launching oneself into an elite institution by getting them to write a letter of recommendation is a disgusting form of manipulation."
In my opinion, this statement is true and the fact that the admissions officer who wrote this essay missed the manipulation inherent in this maneuver is both disconcerting and frightening.
I wonder/worry about the future machinations of the individual (i.e. it may not be the student him or herself) who is responsible for this strategy.
"But using working class people as a means of launching oneself into an elite institution by getting them to write a letter of recommendation is a disgusting form of manipulation."
In my opinion, this statement is true and the fact that the admissions officer who wrote this essay missed the manipulation inherent in this maneuver is both disconcerting and frightening.
I wonder/worry about the future machinations of the individual (i.e. it may not be the student him or herself) who is responsible for this strategy.
14
The manipulation WORKED, that is the thing - -the committee approved this kid unanimously! which is pretty rare, I imagine.
I assure you next year, every application to an Ivy League will have a custodian or janitor letter in their packets.
Some clever parent thought this up, and pulled the strings of the easily manipulated admissions folks!
I assure you next year, every application to an Ivy League will have a custodian or janitor letter in their packets.
Some clever parent thought this up, and pulled the strings of the easily manipulated admissions folks!
1
LOL Would like to see the reaction of the pushy parents at my daughter's G&T school!! Kind to the lower orders? Good grief!
13
Gin & tonic school? I would have enrolled there!
Anyone who would sees this piece as a form of now and future manipulation of working class folks, ie like hard working custodians, is nothing short of intellectual claptrap! How this lovely, kind-hearted letter that exposed what a thoughtful young man was to this insightful custodian blows my mind, but is not as uncommon as one might think. I personally taught and coached for 35 years and was many times awed at the kindness and character of countless young people. And as many now know, these kids so show themselves the complete antithesis of our now President.
15
I loved this essay. I wish everyone's child would be someone who makes the maintenance staff feel appreciated and brings a stranger their dropped snack. Heck, I wish we all would. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place?
6
I hadn't known that my son had spent any time in India. Till we ate out on New Years Day this year. At an Indian restaurant. Later on he told us this story.
He had been hired to set up lighting for a concert at the Taj Mahal. He had been supplied with a crew of Indian laborers, whose work ethic amazed him: they never complained and they did whatever they were asked.
The first day, around noon, he said: "Let's break for lunch." Whereupon, instead of heading over to the food tent, they all sat down. He said, "Let's go and eat!" They told him: "We're not allowed to eat."
My son went over and had the following conversation with the person in charge. He insisted his crew was going to eat with him. That if they were not allowed to eat, then the concert would have no lighting! That they were working for him and they would eat with him. Or no lights!
The rules got bent! They ate every day they worked with him.
That, to me, is the best thing I could ever tell you about my son. He didn't think he'd done anything special. But, wow! There's nothing I could be more proud of. Nothing.
He spent all his free time there getting to know India. Even was invited by one of the workers to visit his home village.
Being kind opens a lot of doors.
He had been hired to set up lighting for a concert at the Taj Mahal. He had been supplied with a crew of Indian laborers, whose work ethic amazed him: they never complained and they did whatever they were asked.
The first day, around noon, he said: "Let's break for lunch." Whereupon, instead of heading over to the food tent, they all sat down. He said, "Let's go and eat!" They told him: "We're not allowed to eat."
My son went over and had the following conversation with the person in charge. He insisted his crew was going to eat with him. That if they were not allowed to eat, then the concert would have no lighting! That they were working for him and they would eat with him. Or no lights!
The rules got bent! They ate every day they worked with him.
That, to me, is the best thing I could ever tell you about my son. He didn't think he'd done anything special. But, wow! There's nothing I could be more proud of. Nothing.
He spent all his free time there getting to know India. Even was invited by one of the workers to visit his home village.
Being kind opens a lot of doors.
55
Truly thought-provoking. An unexpected, simple paean to the things that matter. Like the piece that makes the rounds that starts with "I learned everything I need to know in kindergarten". It's especially important nowadays with all the chaos and crass materialism around. Another think I notice: 10 of the 12 comments so far are from women. That is one thing that I really like about women, their tendency towards compassion. Men have a lot to learn. I truly believe that the world would be a better place if the leaders of all of the G8 nations were female.
4
One of my professors who had worked in finance had talked about the most coveted prize awarded in his firm was his boss' mug; not money, or fancy meals or vacations. A dirty, used mug. Small actions and gestures may seem inconsequential in the moment, but it's often the small, genuine kindnesses that truly win us over and remind us all that there is a person behind that application, that Starbucks barista hat, or on the other side of that phone call to India.
4
Wait on now...you will get a ton of recommendation letters from custodians sooner than you know...
2
Thank you for this. Sometimes reading is such a lovely, simple pleasure.
Maybe it's just the change of season but in the last few weeks I'm beginning to detect a new attitude in people, even in the comments section of the Times. A turn toward generosity of thought, kindness of words. Maybe the level of political anger has finally begun to exhaust the ones that are so full of hatred, right and left. Maybe Mr. Trump will go down in history as the pivot around which the nation turns toward something better.
I'm convinced, always have been, that the great majority of Americans (the real "silent majority") are decent, kind people. Someday we will move past the red state/blue state divide and become the nation that Lincoln dreamed of. I just hope I live long enough to see the results.
In the mean time, for each of us, there's a class room that needs tidy-ing or a little tree that needs some water. It's a start.
Maybe it's just the change of season but in the last few weeks I'm beginning to detect a new attitude in people, even in the comments section of the Times. A turn toward generosity of thought, kindness of words. Maybe the level of political anger has finally begun to exhaust the ones that are so full of hatred, right and left. Maybe Mr. Trump will go down in history as the pivot around which the nation turns toward something better.
I'm convinced, always have been, that the great majority of Americans (the real "silent majority") are decent, kind people. Someday we will move past the red state/blue state divide and become the nation that Lincoln dreamed of. I just hope I live long enough to see the results.
In the mean time, for each of us, there's a class room that needs tidy-ing or a little tree that needs some water. It's a start.
9
As a new mom (a life event which provides an entirely new perspective on the world), the author of this article, I believe, is appreciating & honing in on one of the most important and perhaps overlooked character traits she wishes could be more easily decerned from the supposid rarefied applications she reviews in her admissions job at a top U.S. Ivy League college. Simple kindness; doing the right thing even - or most especially - when no one is looking is an expression of pure goodness present in the world. It gives one hope. What new mom doesn't wish most fervently for a society riddled with kindness & character instead of self-interest, cynicism and greed.
7
Thank you so much Ms. Sabky for sharing this story. In these tenuous times reading something so positive helps to make the day a little brighter. Again, thank you and do hope that the young man is made aware of the goodness and thoughtfulness others see in him. It does not go unnoticed.
3
As a freshman at Dartmouth, I can see the level of forethought the admissions team put into their decisions: I am lucky to say that my friends resemble the young man who Ms. Sabky spoke of.
8
Custodians and other laborers are not going to write letters for snotty kids. Have no fear. There won't be a flood of letters.
There's an aide to Trump who's actually remembered for his rudeness to custodians and janitors in high school. That's what we let get elected. A bunch of really low-class folks who are just mean.
Watch your backs.
There's an aide to Trump who's actually remembered for his rudeness to custodians and janitors in high school. That's what we let get elected. A bunch of really low-class folks who are just mean.
Watch your backs.
88
My guess is that a lot -- not all, but plenty -- of custodians, janitors, bus drivers, school nurses and the like would write such a letter IF PROMPTED and if they were reluctant -- a wealthy helicopter parent could slip them a couple of $50s.
1
A wonderful column, and an antidote to the relentless barrage of partisan politics.
Thank you.
Thank you.
4
If we really want to "make america great --again" a good starting point would be to respect each other as individuals. It really is okay to be someone other than a white anglo saxon american. It really is okay to be a member of the LGBT community. It certainly is okay to be a non citizen residing in this country. Respect and courtesy are far more valuable than amassed wealth and social status.
10
Just lovely, a "thin slice of joy" in my day. Thank you.
5
This article hit for me the perfect timing.. Whenever I will fail in life, I will remember this article and remind myself that what really matters is that I'm kind to others and that I try to help. Thank you so much.
5
A kind-hearted kid will grow up to be a kind-hearted
adult who everyone wants to be around. This trait can
move mountains. I can count on one hand the
number of truly kind people I've met in my profession
and they were all successful, humble people.
adult who everyone wants to be around. This trait can
move mountains. I can count on one hand the
number of truly kind people I've met in my profession
and they were all successful, humble people.
4
Rebecca "Betty" Fox, my aunt, a New Yorker for more than fifty years and someone who lived more than ninety years but recently passed, had a motto I heard often growing up, "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice."
I know she lived her life that way and Ms. Sabky recognition of kindness reminded me of her. Thank you.
I know she lived her life that way and Ms. Sabky recognition of kindness reminded me of her. Thank you.
27
Well, it does not get much better than this essay. Thank you for reminding all of us what is important in life and so often overlooked. Bravo!
10
Now, hapless school custodians will be deluged by ambitious pupils pestering them for recommendations, all thanks to you. Nice going!
4
Bravo! Thank you so much for sharing this. I spent my entire professional life in admissions. Much of my time was spent advocating for the personal qualities that one could "divine" after years of experience both reading the applications and doing interviews.
One of my favorite moments was when I presented a study (done on my own time) to my dean. It showed our wait list candidates who were admitted and enrolled performed at a higher level academically than our "regular" admits, and were more involved in life outside of the classroom. It was an abject lesson that not every decision should be based on some admission algorithm.
Give me a kind, empathetic, grateful student any day over the academic "superstar" easy admit.
One of my favorite moments was when I presented a study (done on my own time) to my dean. It showed our wait list candidates who were admitted and enrolled performed at a higher level academically than our "regular" admits, and were more involved in life outside of the classroom. It was an abject lesson that not every decision should be based on some admission algorithm.
Give me a kind, empathetic, grateful student any day over the academic "superstar" easy admit.
16
Yes, we need to prioritize being conscientious and kind. But this custodian recommendation took guts and creativity on the part of the student and his team of college advisors. Would the first generation valedictorian from a small town high school in Nebraska have the same gumption? Sorry to be a cynic, but this strategy is clever because it showcases an attribute many applicants may share.
That all said, it's high time this admissions craze was completely overhauled. It's creating a stress that trickles all the way down to our elementary schools. I live in Palo Alto, the backyard of Stanford University, where young students have math, coding, Mandarin and every other tutor from the time they are learning to read. Parents, and, as a result, their children are running around trying to win this college admissions crap shoot. I do hope that Princeton is forced to release its admissions data, so we all have a bit more insight into how admissions decisions are made.
That all said, it's high time this admissions craze was completely overhauled. It's creating a stress that trickles all the way down to our elementary schools. I live in Palo Alto, the backyard of Stanford University, where young students have math, coding, Mandarin and every other tutor from the time they are learning to read. Parents, and, as a result, their children are running around trying to win this college admissions crap shoot. I do hope that Princeton is forced to release its admissions data, so we all have a bit more insight into how admissions decisions are made.
11
My late husband was a secondary, independent school math teacher. He was known for his politeness and the respect he showed toward the custodial staff at every single school at which he taught. He always addressed them as "Mr Smith" and "Mrs Jones", never using their first name (unless asked to do so), unlike calling a servant by his first name.
They adored him! And guess whose classroom or dorm apt repairs got done first! That was NOT why he did it - it was just his kind and respectful way -a man of deep humility, in spite of a privileged upbringing. Not an entitled or arrogant bone in that man's body...
They adored him! And guess whose classroom or dorm apt repairs got done first! That was NOT why he did it - it was just his kind and respectful way -a man of deep humility, in spite of a privileged upbringing. Not an entitled or arrogant bone in that man's body...
13
Your husband had a rare gift. As a new teacher at Westlake HS in Atlanta I was not given a key to my classroom but had to wait for a passing school time custodian to use his key and open my classroom door. This was not good for instilling respect among my students as we waited outside our door.
The students quickly got used to my insisting that they clean the floor and chalkboards before the bell rang at the end of class and at the end of the day.
At first some students were indignant. "That is what the custodial staff are paid for." I soon found in conversation that almost all the custodians had college degrees and were working as custodians after school because it allowed them to take their graduate courses for doctors of divinity or masters of counseling or similar degrees and actually were better educated than most of the teachers. I shared that with the coaches and with the science teachers, most of whom were surprised but impressed. Many started leaving their classrooms cleaner at the end of the day.
About three weeks after I started teaching, the locksmith for the district quietly came across town and made me my own key, asking that I quietly give it to a certain vice principal at the end of school year. My students were impressed by the results their help had brought about. We now all had no waits for entry to our classroom.
The students quickly got used to my insisting that they clean the floor and chalkboards before the bell rang at the end of class and at the end of the day.
At first some students were indignant. "That is what the custodial staff are paid for." I soon found in conversation that almost all the custodians had college degrees and were working as custodians after school because it allowed them to take their graduate courses for doctors of divinity or masters of counseling or similar degrees and actually were better educated than most of the teachers. I shared that with the coaches and with the science teachers, most of whom were surprised but impressed. Many started leaving their classrooms cleaner at the end of the day.
About three weeks after I started teaching, the locksmith for the district quietly came across town and made me my own key, asking that I quietly give it to a certain vice principal at the end of school year. My students were impressed by the results their help had brought about. We now all had no waits for entry to our classroom.
1
Wonderful piece. So true. I remember the little kindnesses shown to me in life and your essay reminded me that there is goodness in the world too. I wish that everyone knew the name of staff and were kind when no one was looking. To hear about the thoughtfulness of the student, and the custodian in writing in support of that student, was heartwarming.
thank you.
thank you.
3
Wonderful essay, Ms. Sabky! Wonderful! May I turn the coin over (so to speak) and take a look at the other side?
Two of the finest human beings I think I ever knew in my life were custodians. Let me talk about one. I hope he's not reading this because he might be embarrassed. But here goes.
He had been a master sergeant in the army. Retirement came a year early--because they proposed to send him on his last tour of duty to Africa. He couldn't bear the prospect. Himself part black and part Cherokee, he quailed at the memory of poor African children scrabbling at the tarmac (where a plane had just landed), scrounging food--a bit of cake, a half-eaten sandwich. No--that he just couldn't take.
He was a custodian at the elementary school where my children were educated. Oh what a man! Very military on the surface--firm, unsmiling. Underneath he was brimming with love and compassion. A profoundly caring man! He spoke to the kids. He shared with them. Literally!--Christmas and holidays saw him handing out candy canes and small candies.
And by the way--he was a superb custodian. I did such work myself once--in the high school, not the elementary school. But I stopped in to pick up my own children and the two of us would talk. "It took me three years," he told me, "before I got these floors the way I wanted them." And they glowed! They were perfect.
Oh how rare such people are! Maybe I'll be one someday. Someday.
Two of the finest human beings I think I ever knew in my life were custodians. Let me talk about one. I hope he's not reading this because he might be embarrassed. But here goes.
He had been a master sergeant in the army. Retirement came a year early--because they proposed to send him on his last tour of duty to Africa. He couldn't bear the prospect. Himself part black and part Cherokee, he quailed at the memory of poor African children scrabbling at the tarmac (where a plane had just landed), scrounging food--a bit of cake, a half-eaten sandwich. No--that he just couldn't take.
He was a custodian at the elementary school where my children were educated. Oh what a man! Very military on the surface--firm, unsmiling. Underneath he was brimming with love and compassion. A profoundly caring man! He spoke to the kids. He shared with them. Literally!--Christmas and holidays saw him handing out candy canes and small candies.
And by the way--he was a superb custodian. I did such work myself once--in the high school, not the elementary school. But I stopped in to pick up my own children and the two of us would talk. "It took me three years," he told me, "before I got these floors the way I wanted them." And they glowed! They were perfect.
Oh how rare such people are! Maybe I'll be one someday. Someday.
19
Character can't be measured.
But its beauty is unmistakable.
But its beauty is unmistakable.
13
In the next round of college applications and for several years thereafter, admissions officers will see recommendations from custodians and cafeteria workers. Fifteen years ago, it was all about service abroad. Meeting the Dali Lama was a slam dunk. Now it's helping ones immediate family and working locally: the more humble the better.
The Ivy League and Little Ivies set the trends and US News magnifies them. Lovely young people are turned into competitive blow hards. Look to the Canadian college admission system: scores and grades determine admissions. No baloney. And guess what? Their students are just as nice as those in the US.
The Ivy League and Little Ivies set the trends and US News magnifies them. Lovely young people are turned into competitive blow hards. Look to the Canadian college admission system: scores and grades determine admissions. No baloney. And guess what? Their students are just as nice as those in the US.
7
No, actually, the Canadian students are nicer.
10
I love everything about your essay, Ms. Sabky. As a former high school counselor, I hoped that admissions counselors would recognize the students who shone with kindness and integrity. I tried to convey those qualities in my letters of recommendation. It's the small, everyday gestures, done without thought of personal gain, that characterize these kids. One of my favorites was a girl who confided that she was always on the lookout for turtles crossing the road so she could stop and carry them to safety. These are the young people who already make the world a better place.
13
A couple of years ago we had a young woman who was driving along a highway. She stopped rather abruptly for some turtles who were crossing. As a result, two motorcyclists who were driving behind her, crashed into her car, were thrown a fair distance, and died. She was convicted of manslaughter.
I'm all for kindness. But first do no harm.
I'm all for kindness. But first do no harm.
Wonderful, but I think a great kindness is for students to help other students to learn. That is, students can teach one another, so they can succeed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not only is it a kindness for students to tutor other students, but this can motivate them to learn more. Instead of simply learning for grades and advancement, students can learn to give what they learn with kindness.
I call it the Golden Rule of learning: Learn in order to Teach.
=============================================
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not only is it a kindness for students to tutor other students, but this can motivate them to learn more. Instead of simply learning for grades and advancement, students can learn to give what they learn with kindness.
I call it the Golden Rule of learning: Learn in order to Teach.
=============================================
4
Being a nice and kind person is a trait that is modeled for you. It's not about a competitive college application. It's a trait that is natural and pays off for you your entire life. I've been a very successful person in my field. I graduated from a small liberal arts college in Pennsylvania. It felt right for me and it was. It was the only school that I applied to despite my guidance counselor arguing with me that I could get into much better schools. In my career, I've met many successful people - many of whom went to local universities. People are successful in life because of their character traits - not which competitively crazy school they attended.
14
As a parent of a daughter who spoke of kindness in her high school graduation speech some years ago, I heartily agree with Ms. Sabky. She got accepted at the college of her choice whose reputation is one of happy students who compete with themselves and not each other. Perfect fit!
Most applicants' chief talent is puffing themselves on their applications.
Parents should not, not, go on the campus visit. Aside from multiplying the expense and embarrassing the applicant, their presence deprives the applicant of the opportunity to mix with students and see what the college is really like.
Nor should the applicant go on the campus tour---slick puffery that tells nothing useful about the institution. The tour guides are telling half truths and trivia (no one needs to know where the gym and cafeteria are, and how wonderful they are, before he enrolls) to distract applicants from the less-than-perfect reality they could see by spending time with students and sitting in on classes.
Do you deliberately drop your snacks to see if someone will retrieve them for you?
Parents should not, not, go on the campus visit. Aside from multiplying the expense and embarrassing the applicant, their presence deprives the applicant of the opportunity to mix with students and see what the college is really like.
Nor should the applicant go on the campus tour---slick puffery that tells nothing useful about the institution. The tour guides are telling half truths and trivia (no one needs to know where the gym and cafeteria are, and how wonderful they are, before he enrolls) to distract applicants from the less-than-perfect reality they could see by spending time with students and sitting in on classes.
Do you deliberately drop your snacks to see if someone will retrieve them for you?
10
I can't help but think: Top 1% SATs scores. Check. Leadership position in Significant Club or Activity. Check. Sports or Music or Quirky Hobby to Show I'm a Well Rounded Individual. Check. Volunteering Activity in Community Service, Preferably Related to My Major. Check. And... Verified, Certified Thoughtful and Kind Person. Check.
The application process is so regimented and so artificial that I am amazed that any genuine aspects of the applicants' personalities shine through (Show Sense of Purpose and Sense of Humor. Check.) Kudos to all of you out there sorting through the stacks and not just tossing darts at or making mulch of the inundation.
But if you can sort through and figure out if the author of most of the essays is generally kind or unkind, I'll punt my cynical attitude about college applications.
The application process is so regimented and so artificial that I am amazed that any genuine aspects of the applicants' personalities shine through (Show Sense of Purpose and Sense of Humor. Check.) Kudos to all of you out there sorting through the stacks and not just tossing darts at or making mulch of the inundation.
But if you can sort through and figure out if the author of most of the essays is generally kind or unkind, I'll punt my cynical attitude about college applications.
7
Very nice, but wait one minute.
Someone did ask the custodian for a letter of recommendation. And it sounds like it was quite well written. Hmmmm.
Kind or Kalculating?
Considerate or conniving?
Take him or taken in?
Time will tell.
Please find that kid in four years and report back!
Someone did ask the custodian for a letter of recommendation. And it sounds like it was quite well written. Hmmmm.
Kind or Kalculating?
Considerate or conniving?
Take him or taken in?
Time will tell.
Please find that kid in four years and report back!
5
Or perhaps the custodian just offered to do it. Some people, having seen a kindness done to them, are eager to repay it.
11
@Joel: anything is possible. But the more I think about this, the more contrived it sounds. Not many custodians would think that "yup...a recommendation from the janitor for a kid who is trying to get in DARTMOUTH -- that will do the trick!"
I doubt most custodians even would think about writing a letter of recommendation, and many are probably lacking in formal writing skills.
I wonder now if the whole thing was a stunt cooked up by the kid or his clever parents -- and they wrote the letter themselves and got the custodian to sign it?
I doubt most custodians even would think about writing a letter of recommendation, and many are probably lacking in formal writing skills.
I wonder now if the whole thing was a stunt cooked up by the kid or his clever parents -- and they wrote the letter themselves and got the custodian to sign it?
1
This piece broke my heart, and unfortunately left me in no way reassured about the college admissions process.
I am an alumni interviewer for a college not unlike Dartmouth, and went out of my way to make sure I accurately portrayed the luminous kindness and other-awareness of a special, academically strong candidate to the committee in my report. The candidate was denied.
It made me consider that perhaps what colleges consider to be valuable in an eighteen-year-old is not aligned with what I consider to be valuable, and has impacted the way I will advise my own high school kid: Know your value. Articulate your values. Look for opportunities to increase your challenges and improve your skills, in geographic regions and educational settings substantially different from what you have already experienced in high school.
Your growth depends on it.
I am an alumni interviewer for a college not unlike Dartmouth, and went out of my way to make sure I accurately portrayed the luminous kindness and other-awareness of a special, academically strong candidate to the committee in my report. The candidate was denied.
It made me consider that perhaps what colleges consider to be valuable in an eighteen-year-old is not aligned with what I consider to be valuable, and has impacted the way I will advise my own high school kid: Know your value. Articulate your values. Look for opportunities to increase your challenges and improve your skills, in geographic regions and educational settings substantially different from what you have already experienced in high school.
Your growth depends on it.
29
For every admissions committee who saw this "custodian recommendation letter" as the deciding factor in admitting a student -- there are 5 others who would laugh at this, and prefer to hear from the Senator of that kid's state, or a famous golfer.
Is kindness at last back in fashion?
Will courtesy now end tooth gnashin'
Will empathy be
Like a high SAT?
Concern for others be a passion?
Will courtesy now end tooth gnashin'
Will empathy be
Like a high SAT?
Concern for others be a passion?
35
As usual, our Homer hits the nail on the head!
4
This article and the comments by most readers have exercised me so much I want to make a second comment.
Apparently, even the supposedly intelligent readers of the New York Times are so besotted by the Ivy League admissions process that they think it must be the ultimate test of human nobility and ethics, not just a means of gauging who would do best in college, which after all concerns only one aspect of any (upper middle class) human life.
In my view, the notion that college aspirants should go on a "be kind to the lower orders of humanity" binge shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the concept of human dignity. Of course, students should treat everyone in their schools, including janitors and cafeteria workers, with respect. As much respect as they would treat a teacher or a principal. But using working class people as a means of launching oneself into an elite institution by getting them to write a letter of recommendation is a disgusting form of manipulation.
"Selling oneself" in the US is more important than respecting either one's own or other people's dignity. That is the reason why the President of this country resembles, in the words of scientist Jane Goodall, an aggressive male chimpanzee.
Apparently, even the supposedly intelligent readers of the New York Times are so besotted by the Ivy League admissions process that they think it must be the ultimate test of human nobility and ethics, not just a means of gauging who would do best in college, which after all concerns only one aspect of any (upper middle class) human life.
In my view, the notion that college aspirants should go on a "be kind to the lower orders of humanity" binge shows a fundamental lack of understanding of the concept of human dignity. Of course, students should treat everyone in their schools, including janitors and cafeteria workers, with respect. As much respect as they would treat a teacher or a principal. But using working class people as a means of launching oneself into an elite institution by getting them to write a letter of recommendation is a disgusting form of manipulation.
"Selling oneself" in the US is more important than respecting either one's own or other people's dignity. That is the reason why the President of this country resembles, in the words of scientist Jane Goodall, an aggressive male chimpanzee.
145
"But using working class people as a means of launching oneself into an elite institution by getting them to write a letter of recommendation is a disgusting form of manipulation."
I hope this rather bitter was not intended to reflect on the student described.
I hope this rather bitter was not intended to reflect on the student described.
4
Promoting kindness and empathy as criteria for excellence is a huge deal. High schoolers are still children and raising children to think of volunteering and kindness as your keys into the Ivy Leagues is a serious paradigm shift from even a decade ago. Maybe you are lucky enough to live in a society where everyone treats people they think are working for them with respect but I'd say you're a minority. Making something like this a norm or a standard is huge.
4
What about kindness and empathy as something you do just because you are a decent human being and not because it will get you into an Ivy League? If anything, this essay is disgusting as it "celebrates" advertising something should not even be advertised. Giving people gold stars for something they should have been or done anyhow is sad.
1
"Next year there might be a flood of custodian recommendations thanks to this essay. But if it means students will start paying as much attention to the people who clean their classrooms as they do to their principals and teachers, I’m happy to help start that trend."
Oh, my goodness (to quote Donna, below). How pathetic! If custodian recommendations become the next flavor of the month for ambitious Ivy League aspirants, a lot of hardworking people are going to be bothered with requests from students who suddenly "care for" them - until cynical admissions officers realize it's just another ploy to grab their attention. The idea that college admissions should capture "the whole person" including their capacity for empathy is just another of those shallow and disgusting ideas we should be rid of as soon as possible. Custodians have enough work to do and problems to deal with, without adding to their burdens. How about increasing their wages instead?
In East Asian countries such as Japan and South Korea, you can't get into elite universities without passing a battery of examinations that test mostly factual knowledge, not the "whole person." The system has big problems, but at least it doesn't turn candidates for university into disgusting brown noses.
Oh, my goodness (to quote Donna, below). How pathetic! If custodian recommendations become the next flavor of the month for ambitious Ivy League aspirants, a lot of hardworking people are going to be bothered with requests from students who suddenly "care for" them - until cynical admissions officers realize it's just another ploy to grab their attention. The idea that college admissions should capture "the whole person" including their capacity for empathy is just another of those shallow and disgusting ideas we should be rid of as soon as possible. Custodians have enough work to do and problems to deal with, without adding to their burdens. How about increasing their wages instead?
In East Asian countries such as Japan and South Korea, you can't get into elite universities without passing a battery of examinations that test mostly factual knowledge, not the "whole person." The system has big problems, but at least it doesn't turn candidates for university into disgusting brown noses.
81
You missed the point entirely, sir. The FIRST one to have a custodian recommend him is the one that points to character, to have someone say "This kid does the right thing when nobody's looking". When I was a small child, the elementary school custodians were as much a part of the staff as the teachers, though they told us to call them "Mike" and "Sam". They were well-liked and commanded respect from the kids. I entered that school in 1960, and by Middle School, that ethos was gone.
How many people have you seen in your life who suck up to people "above" them and treat those below them like dirt?
My dad taught me that ANY job is a good one if the dirt washes off at the end of the day because you're doing honest work. My siblings and I learned from him to ALWAYS respect honest work. We all went to college and graduate school, but that lesson stuck with all of us. So when a college admission officer finds a kid who out of the blue learned that lesson, I'm DELIGHTED that she and her colleagues said "Yes! We WANT this kid!" Since Dartmouth is the home of the most conservative elitists like Dinesh D'Souza, it's a breath of fresh air that they WANT to matriculate someone who actually respects working people, not just pays vague lip service to it while enacting policy after policy that hurts them.
How many people have you seen in your life who suck up to people "above" them and treat those below them like dirt?
My dad taught me that ANY job is a good one if the dirt washes off at the end of the day because you're doing honest work. My siblings and I learned from him to ALWAYS respect honest work. We all went to college and graduate school, but that lesson stuck with all of us. So when a college admission officer finds a kid who out of the blue learned that lesson, I'm DELIGHTED that she and her colleagues said "Yes! We WANT this kid!" Since Dartmouth is the home of the most conservative elitists like Dinesh D'Souza, it's a breath of fresh air that they WANT to matriculate someone who actually respects working people, not just pays vague lip service to it while enacting policy after policy that hurts them.
18
If even 1 child who would otherwise walk around totally oblivious to the people who work these jobs becomes a "disgusting brown-noser", then it's worth it. Trends towards kindness should never be discounted or treated with the holier-than-thou attitude in your comment for the simple fact that they improve lives.
Do custodians deserve more pay than they get now? Of course. Will treating them with respect improve the way they feel about their jobs? The answer is obvious.
I don't think you'd be so quick to discount this idea if you yourself were one of the people working these jobs.
Do custodians deserve more pay than they get now? Of course. Will treating them with respect improve the way they feel about their jobs? The answer is obvious.
I don't think you'd be so quick to discount this idea if you yourself were one of the people working these jobs.
8
We call the that the ACT and SAT.
2
What a simple, beautiful, wonderful essay you wrote, Ms. Sabky. It should be read by every high school student and anyone who judges anyone.
I am absolutely sure that your son is going to be brought up the right way.
I am absolutely sure that your son is going to be brought up the right way.
339
This wonderful story reminded me of the kindness our family experienced from the admissions department of one prominent University. As the parent who paid the application fees to 22 highly ranked US and Canadian colleges and Universities, including Dartmouth, for our 3 overseas IB educated children, one will always have a special place in my heart. Cornell sent back the application fee along with the rejection letter.
4
Oh my goodness! This essay made me cry. What a sweet kid! I agree that this look into his character was unique. He will so well I am guessing. My daughter is a high school senior, so she is done with the process and it is over for us (thank goodness!).
Thank you so much for writing this.
Thank you so much for writing this.
131
this is wonderful. our society is so cursed by celebrity and class ( see the current, temporary occupant of the White House) we lose track of what really counts---human respect, dignity, caring and compassion.
this is an extremely important piece i will share with all my children and students. we are all equal in this world, with only temporary, superficial advantages and differences between us. i hope to meet this applicant, and many more like him, and will share this article with my classes this week.
for solartopia!
this is an extremely important piece i will share with all my children and students. we are all equal in this world, with only temporary, superficial advantages and differences between us. i hope to meet this applicant, and many more like him, and will share this article with my classes this week.
for solartopia!
116
What a wonderful article. Thank you. With the meanness launched by our national clown it is great to see there may be other role models in the making.
477
Thank you for this. Despite my natural and enthusiastic " smart- aleck " political views, I try to be compassionate and generous. What I would want my tombstone to say: She was kind. PEROID.
103
What I would want my tombstone to say: "She was kind. PEROID."
With that epitaph, you would surely be in a class by yourself : )
With that epitaph, you would surely be in a class by yourself : )
2
Empathy, ethics, and kindness are what we need to teach and value now more than ever.
208
I don't want my doctor to be full of kindness and empathy, I want my doctor to know how to treat my heart problems.
College is for learning, not how to play with others. I can find some homeless in our town who are very kind, but I wouldn't hire them.
College is for learning, not how to play with others. I can find some homeless in our town who are very kind, but I wouldn't hire them.
1
@Shamrock: nobody is arguing for stupid people to get into medical school and become doctors.
I want a doctor who is smart AND kind AND empathetic. I've had some brilliant doctors who were harsh and had no patient skills. The surgeon who repaired my knee was very smart and capable, but cold and lacking in compassion -- when I was suffering terrible pain after my surgery, and asked for pain meds, I ended up talking to his nurse, who said "yeah, Dr. So-and-So really doesn't sympathize with patient DISCOMFORT -- he doesn't "baby" his patients!" (Yes, I finally got pain meds, but only by repeatedly asking and pointing out my SEVERE pain -- not an addict -- I only needed the meds for 5 days!)
Shamrock, you are pointing out one of the many flaws of our "dog-eat-dog" system -- the rewards flow to smart, cruel, competitive types who don't care who they step on, as they make their way to the top.
I want a doctor who is smart AND kind AND empathetic. I've had some brilliant doctors who were harsh and had no patient skills. The surgeon who repaired my knee was very smart and capable, but cold and lacking in compassion -- when I was suffering terrible pain after my surgery, and asked for pain meds, I ended up talking to his nurse, who said "yeah, Dr. So-and-So really doesn't sympathize with patient DISCOMFORT -- he doesn't "baby" his patients!" (Yes, I finally got pain meds, but only by repeatedly asking and pointing out my SEVERE pain -- not an addict -- I only needed the meds for 5 days!)
Shamrock, you are pointing out one of the many flaws of our "dog-eat-dog" system -- the rewards flow to smart, cruel, competitive types who don't care who they step on, as they make their way to the top.
4
I was so happy to read this article. I truly do not understand why, as a society, we seem to be intent on moving backward. Stand strong kind ones--it matters.
274
I want smart people find cures for horrible diseases way more than someone to hold my hand as I die of a treatable disease.
2
Shamrock - "smart people" have endless options in our society. It's the ones who are both smart and kind who seek cures for horrible diseases. Smart and selfish people only seek to enrich themselves, either directly or through recognition and status.
5
Shamrock:
Kindness and brilliance are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes it takes an altruistic worldview to dedicate one's whole life to curing a disease rather than to profiting from redesigning a current treatment. While I am pretty sure you consider yourself "smart," having a nasty disposition does not guarantee that a person is "smart".
Kindness and brilliance are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes it takes an altruistic worldview to dedicate one's whole life to curing a disease rather than to profiting from redesigning a current treatment. While I am pretty sure you consider yourself "smart," having a nasty disposition does not guarantee that a person is "smart".
3
I feel for high school custodians. They are now going to be swamped by the kindness of strangers :)
305
They should be.
5
What a great essay. Reminds me of that old saying about going on a first date: "Observe how he treats the waiter." The respect and kindness given simply because it's the right thing to do - we need more of that, especially at a time when our country is hard and cold towards so many.
445
Even more revealing: "Observe how she treats the waiter." I have noted far more instances of condescension and rudeness in this scenario from females than males.
As a Dartmouth alum in the class of 1966, I found this article to be especially heart-warming. As a life-long academic who taught around 4,000 undergraduates, the kind and generous students stand out in my memory even more than the brilliant achievers. And the overlap between those two groups was significant.
262
That's interesting, that you observe the two groups to overlap. I wonder whether the brilliant achievers are so secure that they just don't feel they need to compete. So they are comfortable being kind in a way that those who only wish they were brilliant achievers are not.
3
I LOVE THIS ARTICLE! Kindness, indeed ... a gift to every living creature .. and even more so when no is looking ...
98
Oh, golly. I really hope admissions offices around the country don't start getting flooded with letters from custodians because of this. No doubt some high paid admissions counselor will read this and suggest something like it.
It is nice some people still value kindness. Genuine kindness.
It is nice some people still value kindness. Genuine kindness.
212
...on the other hand, the job of high school custodian might just get a lot easier.
10
More concerning is the condescending attitude of the college. How quaint that this lowly custodian vouched for this (likely) privileged child, they say.